#and debilitating the last month or so
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#this is petty of me (or maybe it’s normal idk)#but my anxiety has been exhausting#and debilitating the last month or so#and i’m kinda tired of people texting me about silly things that don’t matter#like this is when i really need a friend who has gone through severe anxiety and can relate to me#and knows what to say and what to avoid as to help me during this time#like i don’t need sympathy but just like idk some understanding
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silly doggy save me
#my art#fanart#fetch with ruff ruffman#fwrr#ruff ruffman#pbs kids#hi guys! i have a debilitating illness and it’s called being obsessed with the funny dog show#ive been fixating on it on and off for like um. 3 years now. but this last month has been like a hurricane that swept through my head#now its all i can think about. oops!#i have a lot of art but i prob wont post most of it sorry </3 the world isnt ready for my ideas#maybe once i finish rewatching the show i will post some things#sorry for typing so much in the tags also . im writing a whole essay here whoops
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sorry if I become extra annoying im kinda tweaking over being on my own for the first time sooooo I might let myself become extra indulgent 💔💔💔
#‘aren’t u already super indulgent’ you’d be surprised#everything will be tagged either fanfic bullshit or gayalanwoke if you wanna block 😭#sorry i kinda maybe sorta will be having a moment. for a while.#idk if I can call myself disabled. but like yall know I have diagnosed cptsd and suspected-autism#sooooooo#taking care of myself is. not easy. At all#I can hardly manage with my parents#and now . idk. basically my routine for the past 20 years is being disrupted and im not handling it well#not only that. just.#again like I said taking care of myself in general is really hard#AND I have . college now.#lord 😭#I’ve always been a straight a student in high school and community college right#four months after my cptsd developed? I dropped out of community college 🫠#bc I literally couldn’t handle it#that was last February#now im at a . four year school#so#im tweaking#like actually this time#and since hyperfixations are All Consuming . they are as helpful as they are debilitating yk#so like yes this show/the fic might contribute to education problems. buttttt it’ll also stop me from crashing out!!!!!#so . yeah. yall might be hearing a bit more from me 😵💫#or#I’ll become extremely self conscious and never follow through#sorry#this is so funny I’m freaking out that yall might be angry im posting abt stuff that makes me happy LMFAOAOO#THIS IS LITERALLY ALL IN MY HEAD LMAOOOO#yall: hey gayalanwake! what’s up? cool binder. hey gayalanwake! wanna come over to my house today? :D#me: they alllll hated me 🐺
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#you're taking him with you right#(our other partner will be here tomorrow!)#(then after this weekend the next time I see them they'll be driving me home at the end of next month.)#(I'm kinda tired today which makes me Nervous but. I got a lot of brain-work done this week)#(so that if worst comes to worst my partners can pack most of my stuff for me.)#(and it probably will not come to that. even abled folks have low days.)#(but the prednisone is not a permanent solution and I don't actually know for sure how long it will even work.)#(so. being tired makes me Nervous. but it'll be fine.)#(like to clarify it is a lot closer to Regular Tired than the completely debilitating fatigue I was struggling through last weekend)#(but it still makes me worry a little -n- )
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Breakfast time!
#My turtle chronicles#red eared slider#they love the new pellets#the correct pellets for turtles over six inches#zippy is growing im scared he may be female too.#that will cause problems#im still not sure#dymorphism is prevelant in turtles#the males are almost always smaller#they have a more balanced diet now#their last owner did not care.#he fed them shrimp daily which is a treat not balanced food and once a week raw fish#within a month they killed the magnificent five my five large goldfish in one night of murder#i read up on the red ears and changed their diet#i wont be able to reverse the pyrmiding on their backs as it is irreversable#but i feel like i have at least stopped it in time it can debilitate them.#why would you not read up on an animal you are responcable for taking care of.#he also kept them in a white and blue plastic childrens pool.#with nothing else in there just a blue and white prison with no tank enrichment whatsoever.#dont agree with none of that in my opinion he mistreated them. artemesias brother#his name on you tube is catfishnation#he has a basement full of oversize fish in enclosures that are too small#he loves his fish dont get me wrong#a side note is he went and got more turtles after seeing my set up. i told him look pal i already took 3 football size turtles from you#i cant take any more#hes to proud to admit it but he learned from me#his new tank is much better and lo and behold he put in plants and stones a real environment#so thats good i guess#some people like me love animals some people view them as possessions or tropphies#usually the pit bull owners are guilty of this
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need to get this persona 5/akechi obsession out of my head so I can be normal again. I keep going on to social media wanting to type shit like "damn... remember how akechi had brown hair"
#Last time I had an obsession this debilitating it was when I got my Homestuck obsession reignited last year and I literally stopped talking#To people and doing work for a month because I was too busy thinking about karkat (unhealthy)#anyway god akechi's metaverse prince outfit is so bad. His mask is so scary in that#Double anyway but apologies if u see many more posts. I am reigning myself in the best I can
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Told my boss that NO I cannot take over customer phone calls because my anxiety will literally not be able to take it. And I’m being SO brave about it,
#I say this as I’m sitting here shaking and on the verge of having an anxiety attack. AHA#Shima speaks#She called me yesterday morning and was like. Hey your coworker is drowning and I KNOW you hate phone calls#But she really needs help#And I was like. Yeah okay. Maybe I can do this.#Fast forward to last night. I’m in bed hyperventilating bc no I CANNOT do this#My mental health has already been Bad for the past few months bc I’m already working overtime for this job#And now to take on the One thing I generally get anxious about? Bro. It’s gonna kill me. 100% no exaggeration#So I called my boss this morning and was like hi I’m so sorry I said I would but I actually can’t. I deadass had an anxiety attack#just THINKING about it last night#And she was like omg no I get it. I have anxiety too I know what it’s like. It’s debilitating sometimes#So she said I didn’t have to do the phone calls and now I’m like YIPPEE#And she said hey that was a really brave thing to do. Speaking up like that and making it clear when you’re not comfortable with something#Me still shaking and holding back tears: Thank you I’m being SO brave about this rn#Anyway I’m still coming down from the near panic attack I had before I called her to tell her lmao#It’s been a rough 24 hours. I’m fine (lying)#I’ll BE fine now that I don’t have to talk to angry customers on the phone tho 🥰
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I 🩷 LACTOBACILLUS ACIDOPHILUS
I AM LACTOBACILLUS ACIDOPHILUS' NUMBER ONE FAN
GOD BLESS PROBIOTICS
#i know that this is like mega tmi but i dont even care. I'm starting my period and this is the first one in ALMOST A YEAR???? that i have#not had a debilitating-for-days mega ibs flareup during pms. and its because of lactobacillus acidophilus.#ive been taking it for almost two months now. last months flarup was tolerable and nothing compared to the usual but this month? i actually#feel prepared and able to take on my period. it seems manageable. my body doesn't feel completely wiped out by the time it actually starts#this time!!!! i mustve had a FUCKED UP gut biome tbh#i am literally so pumped#i hope you still think im sexy even if you read this far into my tags about my gut health. lmao
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on my final period, so I'm gonna see if I can bookend this truly by having taco bell and getting myself a pair of shoes (this time snow boots, bc I have to stop borrowing my mom's every year 7c7ctcy8)
#when I had my first my mom treated me to taco bell and a new pair of shoes!#she wanted to make sure I felt as supported and not scared as possible#bc when she had her first she was alone and scared#and had undiagnosed endometriosis so she had her debilitating pain dismissed all the time#now hers is diagnosed and she had her hysto last month. she's doing great ♡#and I'm about to do great in almost two weeks myself >:)
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i got hit with like. nauseating anxiety a couple hours ago and i dont know how to make it stop
#wind howls#i have this horrible scary feeling that something terrible and world shattering is about to happen#and that really makes me feel horrible bc my sister and her boyfriend are abt to travel#and my parents and my baby sister are going on a mini trip this weekend. my sibling is dog sitting for my sister.#and my brother may or may not stay home ? he talks about throwing a party for his birthday but thats next month.#i used to love being home alone as a child. i used to feel like it brought me peace and calm like nothing else.#but nowadays its so rare (what with covid and my parents mostly working from home) that being home alone pivoted to making me scared#which really sucks ! my paranoia spikes up so bad and the dread makes me feel sick to my core !#my mom is going on a work trip to quebec city tomorrow and im also scared abt that because i cant be normal about anyone else travelling#im fine when i travel like on a plane. im okay with buses and train. cars scare me but i tolerate them#but when its other people suddenly i get so paranoid its debilitating.#the sense of dread i feel rarely is justified. i know this. i know this is not rational. i cant make it stop.#why are you so scared ! why am i so scared ! what happened ! i used to be so good at being alone ! i used to be so good !#i loved being alone ! why cant i be that way anymore !#i will try to sleep. please wish me luck. maybe im this way bc i slept like dogshit last night. i dont know. i dont feel good.
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sooo how long after crashing your car do you feel normal again emotionally… how many business days.
#had a full blown panic attack last night imagining me crashing and killing someone#tried hugging a pillow pet that my best friend gave me ans then i thought about crashing and killing her#hugged my cats and thought about accidentally killing them#i barely hurt anyone but i cannot stop thinking what if i did#i HATE that giant death machines are my only mode of transportation i dont live in a city and im an event photographer i HAVE to drive again#and im so pissed about it#i didnt even START driving regularly until like 4 months ago i had genuinely debilitating driving anxiety for years and years#and i fear its back!!!!!! 🙃🙃🙃#everybody i talked to keeps being like ‘accidents happen all the time’ SO IS IT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN????
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#guess who Has A Cyst!#finally went to a doctor ab my wrist and 🙂#am going to see an orthopaedic surgeon to decide what would be best#might leave it alone#might get it drained bc it does limit my mobility and i have chronic pain in it#but i have a debilitating needle phobia so#and also just despise medical things in general#it took me months to work up to even registering w a gp#last time i went to the hospital is was in the emergency room for stitches and it was g traumatic#v*#but the doctor i saw was v sweet and understanding and let my mom stay w me and hold my hand#so that was nice#anyway i’m trying not to think about it#but i need to figure out when i can go to the surgeon bc i’m going back to uni soon and my mom started work last week#so#sigh#just me talking
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I'm literally so fucking nervous, I'm sitting here eating breakfast and doing my best to not start rocking back and forth with anxiety.
#im supposed to get an answer today if im gonna get goverment funding or not#bc i havent been able to get work for the last three years and now im filled with debilitating anxiety#i've living off 50 dollars a fortnight for the last few months bc im not even getting to do paid errands for family anymore#and i mean id love to get the support id love to be getting money id love the help to get a real job#but literally nothing has worked out for me ever so im probably not going to get it#so im just super nervous rn#i dont wanna wait longer than i have to just to be told 'nah u dont qualify actually'
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I'll get my period any day now. I can feel it. Just like I've been feeling if for the past 3 weeks. But. Any day now. Or week. Maybe month. But it will happen and it will f i x me
#pms uncomfortableness is worse than the debilitating pain#it takes forever and makes me feel like life isn't worth living in the slightest because i feel like shit All the time#at least with the pain i know it'll pass within a few days#and I'll be able to feel okay for a few weeks once it's over#but those 2-??? weeks iof Pre period hell are probably gonna end me someday#pain but not enough to take pain killers#my whole body feels just Wrong and Bad#not even exercise fixes it#not even Feeling like exercising (for WEEKS. Like just kill me instead you shit fuck of a broken body)#but any day now. just like I've been saying it for like 20 days now. it's so close#awesome#(probably on saturday when i gotta work the entire day and carry heavy stuff#i expected it to be last Saturday but this week there's another chance for my body to completely ruin my one (1) workday#of the month (for that particular job)#but I'll still be grateful if this means this disgusting feeling stops#void screams
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just figured i'd pop on here and let y'all know that i'm going to be more or less mia at least until sometime next week. got too much stuff going on in my life and in my head lately and it's really just starting to take a bit of a toll.
my queue will still be running so really it won't feel much like i'm gone. but if you don't see me reblogging/commenting on your stuff, that's why.
hope to come back soon in a better mental and emotional space. take care of yourselves in the meantime. 💖
#truth be told i have just felt so overwhelmed and angry and stressed these last few months#and it's all sort of building up and becoming debilitating#so i'm just gonna bow out and lay low for a bit#personal
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I need to get off medication again I can’t do this anymore. My mental illnesses are debilitating but I can’t handle how much medicine has ruined my personality and sense of self like I’m fucking unrecognizable from how I was a little over a year ago and it’s because of the goddamn medicine it’s really fucking awful I don’t want to do it anymore there has to be some other way to manage this shit
#it’s like hmm. ruined personality or debilitating paranoia?#when I was off of meds for a few months last year I actually got to experience Both!#so I might actually just be ruined forever!#woohoo yeah!#spring her voice she spoke#vent post#ask to tag#idk#I feel fucking terrible man I can’t do this
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