#and dont really change much of the substance of the fic usually

[ghostlynimbus]

I think im going to hold off on posting Cinnamon Spice stuff until I get a chapter finished, because there's such a history of me completely rewriting the chapters a few times to try out different POV's and stuff

I dont want to end up posting a snippet of a ch from one POV and then realize after that that the POV spoils something i dont want to reveal yet.

[jpegjade]

Confessions - Spencer Reid

frens and ferns, IM OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A MONTH. so here’s a new fic about something i’ve been struggling with lately...

summary: With emily gone, Spencer is having a hard time coping with her death. After a little prodding, he finds comfort in y/n, who is struggling with their own demons.

gender: neutral (i think. i tried not to point to any gender terms so hopefully i did okay at it bc i dont feel like proofreading.)

Warnings: talk of addiction but nothing more

———

Getting home from a case was always, hard on you. There were days when it was harder to get up in the morning because of the physical and emotional toll the job put on your body. Ever since that un-sub broke your ankle, everything has been even harder.

“Y/L/N, nice to see you back." Morgan said as you exited the elevator.

“You too, D." You said, plastering a fake smile on your face. In truth, you wished that you were off for one more week but the world wasn't that kind to you.

The doors to the elevator were slowly closing when you heard Spencer shuffling quickly toward your direction.

Before you had the chance to throw your arm in the way of the elevator sensors, Spencer's slender body slipped through.

You were a newer member to the team. Well... You were the only new member to the team. Being a replacement for agent Emily Prentiss, the team getting to know you was a process. Derek trained you so he already knew what you were like in action but this was the first case the rest of the team saw you on.

The silence in the elevator was loud and thick with anticipation. Spencer was looking over at you in quick glances when he wasn't staring at his converse.

“You didn't press a number." Spencer said, barely loud enough for you to hear.

"Oh... I guess that explains why if felt like I was going nowhere." You chuckled at your joke and winced when you met Dr. Reid's blank gaze.

"Do you..." He paused.

Spencer shook his head, clearing the thought from his mind. You continued staring but he dropped his gaze back to his shoes as if he hadn't started and dropped a question.

The elevator doors opened, showing an empty garage. The two of you gestured for the other to exit first but you ended up going first.

“Did you want to ask me something. Dr. Reid?" You said, watching him hesitate.

"Spencer." He said, ignoring the question. "My friends call me Spencer."

"I didn't think we were friends yet." You blankly. It wasn't meant to be funny but you couldn't help but smile.

“My team consists of my friends. As you are on my team, we're friends." Spencer's face never changed.

"Okay, Spencer." You looked at him. If you weren't so worried about getting home, you would've indulged in the moment. But all you wanted to do right now was be alone with some pizza and take the edge off from today.

"If that's all..." You tried to close the interaction with him by taking a few steps back but Spencer took just as many slow steps forward.

"Actually," Spencer began, "how do you do it?"

You faked a chuckle. "Do what?"

“Hide your addiction so well." Spencer was so pointblank sometimes.

"What are you talking about?" You tried to control the beads of sweat that threatened to pool.

"Everybody knows.” It's your ankle that started the painkillers and you couldn't stop. It took you away from the pain, the humiliation.

“How could you be so stupid as to get caught? You're even dumber for finding solice in the feeling when you've got all of this support around you? You've got a family who..." Spencer trailed off.

Your head was still reeling from the beginning of his statement. Everyone knew... But how could that be? It wasn't obvious but something was off about the distant look in Spencer's eyes. It was like he wasn't looking or talking to you. The anger laced in his tone wasn't for you...

“Spencer," you took a step towards him, "Are you talking about you?" Spencer stopped talking. You weren't used to seeing him so quiet.

"It's been a while." Spencer looked down at his converse. "Emily was there. When it got bad, I would cuddle up with her cat on her couch and try to forget the thoughts. She wouldn't make me feel like a burden at 2 a.m., when I was screaming myself awake. She always told me to stay as long as I needed, even when I was positive she was fed up with me. I wish I believed her. I wish I stayed." Spencer tapered off into silence, sniffling.

A pipe dripping. Footsteps in the stairwell. A car alarm chirping. All of those things sounded louder than they normally would. This wasn't Spencer cornering you. This was a confused and hurting boy that was begging for help. He just didn't know how to say what he needed right now.

“Do you..." You started but stopped because it didn't feel right.

Where do you start with someone who is just like you: broken, hurting, and alone.

How do you comfort someone without enabling them to do something destructive that might make everything worse?

How do you avoid hurting someone when all you wanted to do was hurt yourself, in a way.

"Do you like pancakes?" You asked, startling him out of his thoughts. "Pancakes? Sure." Spencer slowly lifted his head and shrugged.

You started walking to your car, motioning for Spencer to follow.

The car ride with Spencer was filled with silence. The whole time, you were thinking about ways to explain the situation to Spencer without making it worse. Spencer was trying to decide if talking to you was a good idea after all, considering you were taking him somewhere pancake related.

Pulling up to the run-down diner, you looked over at Spencer, who was staring out the window.

"I promise the pancakes are better than the place looks." You chuckled, getting Spencer's attention.

"I wasn't really worried about the taste of the pancakes..." Spencer trailed off.

"Good, I guess." You said, a little bit defeated.

You and Spencer walked into the diner, where you were greeted by a friendly older woman named Janice. She knew your name by heart, since you were a regular, and she seated you at your normal booth.

"Actually, would you mind seating us at 12? This is Spencer, the guy I've told you about..." You blushed, hoping you said everything low enough for Spencer not to notice. His mind was elsewhere so he wasn't listening as he normally would. A part of you was grateful for that.

Janice did a once-over at Spencer, softly grinning, and brought you to table 12.

Despite the outside looking dingy, the inside of the diner was cleaner than Spencer thought it would be. He wasn't really fond of booths but these weren't the pillow seat booths where children could hide things between the bottom seat and the backrest. This was the plastic seats that hurt your butt after a little while. But what he noticed that was different about the seating at the table was that one half was a booth and the other half consisted of two four-legged chairs.

"I know you don't like the germs in booth seats so I figured this would be a better option." You said, unable to meet his eyes.

Spencer was shocked as you slid into the booth seat, avoiding his eyes. Spencer pulled out his chair, temporarily distracted by the fact that he never mentioned how much he hates booth seats. You paid attention and noticed that about him. What else had you noticed?

"So..." Spencer folded his hands in his lap nervously.

"Let's order and then we'll talk." You said, trying to focus on the task at hand.

Placing your orders, you went with your usual breakfast at midnight and he just ordered the same thing you ordered.

"It'll be good, I promise." You said, giving him a small smile.

"You never answered my question." Spencer said, looking up at you.

"I know." You were getting nervous again. The nerves hadn't stopped since Spencer asked that question in the parking lot but you were trying really hard to find an answer to it.

"How do you do it?" Spencer asked again.

"Spencer, it's not that simple. I can't give you an answer like that over something so complex. Why do you want to know?" You asked, trying to focus on meeting his eyes.

Spencer's gaze was intense when he wanted it to be so you settled for staring at the tip of his nose.

"I'm struggling, y/n. Emily was... She was family to me. If Hotch is the dad, Rossi is the cool uncle, JJ is the mom, Derek is the older brother, and Emily is..." Spencer's voice caught in his throat. "Was the big sister. I lost a sister the day she died and I'm lost without her."

"Spencer, I'm so sorry..." You said, wanting to hug him.

A tear slipped down Spencer's face as you watched him frustratedly wipe it away.

"It's not fair, you know?" Spencer continued. "I survived the worst days of my life. I got to live after experiencing torture and she didn't do anything but fall in love with someone who wasn't..."

There was a moment of silence as you let Spencer get his feelings out. While the two of you said nothing, Janice brought your food and drinks to your table. She must have sensed the tension between you and Spencer because once you thanked her, she didn't hover or make additional conversation.

"It just hurts and I don't... I don't want to feel it. I just want to escape the constant pain and be happy again, just for a little while. It doesn't have to stay forever but I don't want this pain to hurt like this for now." Spencer cut into his pancakes, taking a bite. His face changed into something of contentment.

"I come here when I have a... I guess you could say craving." You started, "Carbs and sugar are good for the itching feeling you get when you really need a fix."

A moment passed as the two of you enjoyed the food in front of you. After downing half of your food, you decided to speak again.

"What's your drug of choice, if you don't mind me asking?" You quietly said, your eyes staying trained on the way your butterknife slowly cut into your pancakes.

"Dilaudid." Spencer was so upfront about it. You thought you would have to pull it out of him but he made your job easier.

"Ah... Opioids are a bitch to kick. Controlled substance so I won't ask how you got it but I understand it's not easy. There was this study we had to do in training. This one agent got captured and tortured and the BAU had to watch as he was drugged, tortured, and almost died... I guess you would know them, right?" You asked, trying to figure out which team member it was.

"That was me." Again, Spencer being upfront.

"Oh...Spencer, I'm so sorry... I didn't know." You were remorseful, you shouldn't have brought it up.

"That's where it began. I begged for him not to do it the first time, not wanting the drugs. But after that? After the torture and pain and... Everything? I craved that release. And even after he died, I just wanted to get away from all of the stress in life. Feel warmth in my veins, mentally zoning out for just long enough to reset my mind and be reminded that there was something good in the world..." Spencer looked over your shoulder but his eyes weren't fixed on a particular spot.

That's the thing about being an addict... You don't realize how much it hurts to be alive until the high sends you crashing back down. And, especially in our line of work, all you want is to stay up for as long as possible because the horrors of reality will tear you apart..." You finished.

Spencer's attention came back to you as you spoke, making you a little uncomfortable. You couldn't meet his eyes.

"I went to a couple meetings in the past." Spencer said, thinking about his experiences there. "I didn't feel like I belonged. I have a good life. Stable job. I'm fortunate enough to have a roof over my head. My mom is taken care of by capable people. I don't have to worry about anything. And the guys there? They're struggling in many cases. They're fighting for the things I take for granted and I didn't know how I could stand to be in the same room with my privileges and pretend like my problem was important..." Spencer trailed off.

"Spencer, your addiction is valid." You were finally able to look him in the eyes and emphasize your point.

"Is it, though?" Spencer stared back at you, a challenging tone laced his voice.

"It's not fun..." You started, unable to look at Spencer any longer. "I don't do it for fun or because I want to stay high. I don't do it for the feeling it gives me. I do it because I feel like I have to."

"What do you mean?" Spencer tilted his head like a puppy who was trying to understand a new word.

"After I broke my ankle, I was prescribed these... Off brand pills. They didn't really help unless I snorted them. And even then, they didn't help my ankle or me. So I found something stronger. A friend of mine is a doctor and when I go to see him, I'm able to... I guess manipulate him into giving me the good stuff, the stuff that makes my thoughts slow down, calms the voice, gives me a sense of peace and not this constant anxiety." You said, hands tapping the table.

"Oh..." Spencer said, taking in what you were saying.

"I'm an addict not for pleasure but for pain. And my struggle is no greater or lesser than yours." You said, fingers still tapping away. "I struggle, like you, except the difference is I'm newer to the team so they don't know what it's like to see me in my chaotic neutral state. What did you do when you had cravings before? You must have been clean for a couple years now, right?"

"I went to Emily... I always went to Emily. I play back these moments when I snapped at her for wanting to help and I wish I just..." Once again, Spencer's voice was caught in his throat.

"She was your safe space when you felt like you couldn't turn to anyone else." You said, understanding. "You don't have to be romantically inclined to have a safe space with someone. It's whomever you find solace in, for any reason under and over the sun."

"I wouldn't feel this way if she were here..." Spencer said, more to himself as if he were trying to be convincing.

"Spencer, you have to be honest with yourself. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. And that something else might not have landed you with someone who was willing to assist you in your recovery to stay clean." You said, finishing your pancakes.

"What?" Spencer did a double take. No one had ever offered to help him. He always had to be the first to make the move but even then, everyone was reluctant to take on the responsibility of Spencer.

"Isn't there an unspoken rule about addicts not being with each other?" Spencer asked, genuinely concerned.

He hoped not because he would love to have someone he could finally confide in, someone who wouldn't make him feel like a burden.

"No, that's about addicts not dating each other. But I think that as friends, we can understand each other in ways others cant. We can fight together. Have you notiiced the craving is gone, for the most part?" You asked, sure that Spencers single slice would be gone in a moment.

"Okay. Deal. We can confide in one another and maybe it'll help us get a grip on reality when we feel ourselves slipping.”

“Okay.”

—

taglist: @goldentournesol @averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl

[gunnerpalace]

Hi! Same anon as the previous one. Tbh, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Y'see I do ask rhetorically,too but i could really accept and understand how and why ppl can be oblivious to IchiRuki, and somehow felt that the 'canon' should suffice, even the most excruciating of all is the fact a number found the ending even acceptable (ships aside, too). Again, I could respect that. But it's my greatest bane when ppl ask 'why' and not be clear they are asking rhetorically because I literally will

provide you an actual answer. And I get it, it’s the reason why ppl find shipping wars toxic and silly. But then again, as human, conflicts are always part of us (partly because as social psych explains so, we are gravitated to the negative for that allows us to change and survive), and the reason why “logical fallacies” are coined in the first place. Human will always debate, and argue about something; the only thing we could change is how we approach the opposing views.

Again, I dont condone any way, shape or form of abuse and harm. In some certain extent, I could perhaps understand it’s much harder for some IH to approach the actual argument being there’s either too much noise, and trapped in their own island between sea of salt. Thus becoming too acquianted w/ few IH who shared the same thought until it became their views as the only truth (see, that’s why its important to have debates! it is what keep us grounded and fair! Just like you said)

Who am I to speak though? I never ever challenged anyone anyways. And as you said, you just have to understand things in every way you could possibly think of–endless ‘whys’. Which is where I agree in your reply the most–this silly fandom wars is just the black mirror to every truth that lies beneath human psyche–the dark and the grimy. Heck, being a psych major is like staring at dark hole–at times, good, but most just plain confusing, revolting even or just heartbreaking.

Sorry it’s been long, but for the final of this ask: let me tell how glad I was with IchiRuki fandom I found in tumblr. It was the saltiest I’ve ever been (im not generally a fandom person anyways) but it’s the himalayan salt–expensive and actually nutritive it really deepened my desire to become wiser in general. And you for your wonderful essays, critiques and whatnot. I definitively would love to talk with you more not only about IchiRuki but the wonders and nightmare that us humans! Kudos!

I have sitting in my drafts a post spelling out my thoughts on “canon” (and thus, the people who cling to it) in that as a concept it privileges:

officiality over quality when it comes to validity (thus violating Sturgeon’s law)

corporations (intellectual property rights holders) over fans, and thus capitalists over proletarians

hierarchical dominance over mutualist networking within fandom

curative fandom over transformative fandom

genre over literary content

plot over characters

events over emotions

It is notable that (1) generally degrades art as a whole, (2) generally advances the capitalist agenda, and (3–7) generally advances the dominance of men over women (as the genders tend to be instructed by society to view these as A. dichotomies rather than spectrums, and B. to ascribe gender to them and make them polarities). These form the sides of a mutually reinforcing power structure (in the typical “Iron Triangle” fashion) designed to preserve and maintain the status quo.

Who really benefits from say, the policing of what is or is not “canon” in Star Wars? Disney, first and foremost. And then whomever (almost certainly male) decides to dedicate their time to memorizing the minutiae of whatever that corporation has decided is “legitimate.”

One can imagine a universe in which fan fic is recognized by companies for what it is: free advertising. (Much like fan art already is.) Instead, it is specifically targeted by demonetization efforts in a way that fan art isn’t. Why? Because it demonstrates that corporate control and “official” sanction has no bearing on quality, and it is thus viewed as undermining the official products.

In the same way, by demonstrating that most “canonical” works are frankly shit, it undermines the investiture of fans in focusing on details that are ultimately errata (the events, the plot, the genre), which is the core function of curative fandom and the reason for its hierarchical structure. The people who “know the most” are at the top, but what they “know” is basically useless garbage. And those people so-engaged are, of course, usually male.

To “destroy” the basis of their credibility, and indeed the very purpose of their community, is naturally viewed by them as an attack.

(This is not to say that efforts to tear down internal consistency within established cultural properties are good unto themselves, or even desirable. For example, efforts to redefine properties such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Ghostbusters, for the sake of a identity-politics agenda have largely A. failed as art, B. failed as entertainment, C. failed to attract the supposedly intended audience, and D. failed to advance the agenda in question. Trying to repurpose extant media in the name of culture wars is essentially always doomed to failure unless it is done deftly and gradually.)

(At the same time, this also shows what I was talking about last time, with regard to people seeing whatever they want to see. You will see people complain that Star Trek and Doctor Who didn’t “used to be so political,” which is obviously nonsense. These shows were always political. What changed was how their politics were presented. For example, Star Trek has, since TNG, always shown a nominally socialist or outright communist future, but was beloved by plenty of conservatives because they could [somehow] ignore that aspect of it.)

Of course, almost no one is seriously suggesting that one side of the spectrums outlined above be destroyed, rather merely that a new balance be struck upon the spectrum. But, as we have seen time and again in society, any threat to the status quo, whether that be 20% of Hugo Awards going to non-white male authors or the top income tax rate in America being increased by a measly 5.3% (from 28.7% to 34%… when the all-time high was 94% and for over 50 years it was above 50%) is a threat. This is why, for example, Republicans are out there branding AOC as a “socialist” when her policies are really no different at all from a 1960 Democrat who believed in FDR’s New Deal. (Which they, of course, have also demonized as “socialism.”)

(As an aside, all this ignores the fact that most of the “literary canon” of Western civilization, or at least English literature… is Biblical or historical fan fic.)

And this is when I finally get to my point.

Those people out there who denigrate and mock shippers and shipping, the people who hurl “it reads like fan fiction” as an insult, and so on, are the people who benefit from and enjoy the extant power structure. You will see the same thing with self-identified “gamers” complaining about “fake girl gamers.” Admitting that the hobby has a lot of women in it, and a lot of “casuals,” and is indeed increasingly dominated by “non-traditional demographics” is an affront to the constructed identity of being a “gamer.” They are “losing control.” And they don’t like it.

This exact same sort of population is what the “fanbase” of Bleach has been largely reduced down to through a slow boiling off of any actual quality. Of course they’re dismissive of people who are looking for anything of substance: their identity, their “personal relationship” with the franchise, is founded on a superficial appreciation of it: things happening, flashy attacks, eye-catching character designs, fights, etc.

(What this really boils down to, at heart, is that society at large has generally told men that emotions are bad, romance and relationships of all kinds are gross, and that thinking and reflecting on things is stupid. So of course they not only don’t care about such things, but actively sneer at them as “girly” or “feminine,” which is again defined by society at large as strictly inferior. And this gender divide and misogyny is of course promulgated and reinforced by the powers that be, the capitalists, to facilitate class divisions just like say racism generally is.)

(The latest trick of these corporate overlords has been the weaponization of “woke” culture to continue to play the people off one another all the time. “If you don’t like this [poorly written, dimensionless Mary Sue] Strong Female Character, then you are a racist misogynist!” They are always only ever playing both sides for profit, not advancing an actual ideological position. It is worth noting that there was a push by IH some years ago to define IR as “anti-feminist” for critiquing Orihime for essentially the exact same reasons [admittedly, not for profit, but still as critical cover].)

Which makes it very curious, therefore, that the most ardent IH supporters tend to be women. (Though there are more than a few men, they seem to tend to support it because it is “canon” and to attack it is to attack “canon” and thus trigger all of the above, rather than out of any real investment.) I think there are a number of reasons for this (which I have detailed before) and at any rate it is not particularly surprising; 53% of white women voted for Trump, after all.

What we are really seeing in fandom, are again the exact same dynamics that we see at larger and larger scales, for the exact same reasons. The stakes are smaller, but the perception of the power struggle is exactly the same.

Of course, the people who are involved in these things rarely think to interrogate themselves as to the true dimensions and root causes of their motivations. People rarely do that in general.

Putting all that aside, I’m glad that you have found a place you enjoy and feel comfortable, and thank you for the kind words, although I am not of the opinion that there is anything poignant about the non-fiction I write. It is, as I keep trying to emphasize, all there to be seen. One just has to open their eyes. So, it’s hard for me to accept appreciation of it.

Anyway, don’t feel shy about coming off of anon rather than continuing to send asks. We don’t really bite.

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[jincherie]

Hey , I have read many of your stories on aor, I love them. I just wanted to ask if you tell something about your writing method? And also wanted to ask when you'll be updating well oiled machin?

Hello, I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer this babe! I am so, so glad you enjoy my fics though! An update for awom is coming [REDACTED] so !!!!! yeah !!! As for a writing method, I…. am a bit dodgy LMAO. It changes often, like how much time and detail I’ll give each bit, but there’s a usual process I do.

First I usually just have the concept/idea– even a scene or au or something– and then if I like it enough I see if I can expand it a little. Not really to plot just yet, but to add more details and depth. It is usually after the idea has more substance that I have enough to start building a loose plot.The order changes, but after I have the concept I either usually world-build some more or go into a bare-bones plot. And I mean, bare bones. Like a linear thing of all the important plot points.

Once I have those, I expand and start plotting chapters with scenes I want and the important plot points. I usually aim to have them completely plotted out, but so long as the first few are plotted out I sometimes start writing at that point LMAO I am a little impatient sometimes.

So yeah thats a rough explanation for you! I feel like there’s more but I can’t remember rn, I’m sure it’ll hit me later lmaoo !! I hope this is clear enough! then again the process itself isnt even that clear to me so fhdbgjhbf WE DOIN OUR BEST OUT HERE

Anonymous said: everyone’s so enthusiastic for awom dhsjsjsjsn understandable bc definitely same, but no pressure!! take your time and enjoy the holidays!! 💜💜💜 and relish in the peace of post-final feels lol (er, if youre done yet??im not sure im srry) 

Gah thank you babe!!! I’m super glad to know so many are keen for it, and I’m very thankful ur thinking of me as a person instead of just an author, the source of the writing, in this instance

Anonymous said: awom peep!!! biNCH WFFWTWFTTFEGHEJEJ that hurted so much our poor jungoo :((((((( 

Anonymous said: ohsndndkf i’m so excited for more robokook 

Anonymous said: The well oiled machine sneep peep looks very could. Much excited! Oh boy I’m just shaking right now. Fuck me up baby!!!    

Anonymous said: OMG omg omg OMG that sneak peek of robot kook, DONT HIRT ME LIKE THAT 😭 

KJNFJHBF LMAOOO I asked steph @gimmesumsuga which part i should share as a peep and she said that one SO WE HAVE HER GENIUS EVIL MIND TO THANK FOR UR SUFFERING HAHAHAHAHA ugh fr tho she’s been one of the biggest supporters for robokook (besides our resident and beloved robofucker miss @cinnaminsvga the loml) and its thanks to these two i’m bustin my ass so hard on it!!! I’m putting.,,, such effort in IM RLLY TRYING YALL ughghfbfhbfghbjd I’m going to be so excited when I can finally post and complete it with the second part--- thank u all for looking forward to it with me! I promise this teensy bit of pain is only temporary!

Anonymous said: A well oiled machine was so so good! I love all of your works so much, but i think this and your tae dad!au have to be my favourites. Its really difficult to make a robot au work without being cringe or seem kind of dodgy consent-wise but mc is so authentic in her feelings and robo guk the perfect blend of human/android it all just really works! I cant wait to read more, thank you for your writing💗💞

GAH to be honest, 4 oclock and awom are probably some of my favourite things I’ve written-- I’m still so excited for where I have to go in 4 oclock and the further I get into awom the more I want to weep bc its so fffucking soft u dont even know FFUCK.,,,, but in all honesty thank you so much!!! I really appreciate all u said, I’m so thankful I managed to pull it off!!! Even though I haven’t read it yet bc I apparently enjoy torturing myself, I’m sure Zee managed to execute the au splendidly too!!!! ugh I’m so keen to finally read HER robokook once i’m done ffffUUUCKKKKKK anyways thank u so much for reading and for sending this, my love!!! I hope u have a wonderful afternoon

Anonymous said: Is a well oiled machine based off of Detroit become human perhaps??? 

Haha surprisingly no!! It’s based off of Zee’s innate love for androids and how far up her ass I am LMAO

(i do love dbh tho HEHE)

Anonymous said: OHhhhhhhHHHhh my goodness A Well-Oiled Machine is SO. GOOD. JK is such a cute android and the tension! Especially the ending. I’ll definitely be reading the next chapter 

Anonymous said: Omg, I’m so in love by a well oiled machine 😍…. Girl, you’re amazing! I can’t wait to read the second part. 

thank u both so much!!! I’m super glad you like this trashy lil roboporn novella, I really appreciate that u read it and enjoyed it and proceeded to send this!!! thank u !!!! i love u!!! im super excited for the next part and I hope u are too!!!

[ramabear]

I was prepared you wouldn't consider answering my question but woah! Thanks a bunch:) Nah, for some reason I didn't even think it could affect you to write them the way they were written?.. Guess it just speaks volumes about my own level of being fucked up lmao? But oh well, whatever. It's just that the way I see it, your writing is classy (?uhhh sorry for weird wording, I'm not fluent) and clever, you're not fucking around. Like, you're professional about it, you know? [1/2]

I guess my point was that this 'problematic culture' is really getting tiring and annoying, at least for the 23yo me. Constantly triggered and offended people are no fun. Fiction is fiction, period. Honestly tho topic of obsession and codependency (also choking kink (wait, in siaod it could be actually ~triggering~ since the whole Katsuki guilt thing lol) isn't even THAT problematic? I mean there are so much more dark stuff out here. Nothing wrong with some good old obsession lmao

oh i mention the effect thing bc like, sometimes darker fic takes more out of the author to write? ive read some where the author is apologetic for it taking so long but its partially bc the content of the fic is too heavy for them to work on a day to day thing (which i get, heavy shit is hard to write and hard to read sometimes, and ppl like softer things or just simply need a break, its no big)

and i wanted it to b clear that my hesitance in writing isnt bc its too dark or emotionally draining for me. i rely a lot on the feeling of my writing “going the right way” (ie; this morning i woke up with snippets of dialogue in my head for brotherhood, my current narts fic, and thats one of the signs to me that im on the right path of what im writing, which is important to me mostly bc i made a fairly big plot decision over the last day or so)

so the more smoothly im able to write, the more im sure its the Right way to tell the story. part of why euth’s original version was pulled was bc i was plagued with this feeling that it was wrong and rather than go in and excise the parts that arent what i need, i just decided to start over instead with fundamental changes to this arcs layout

anyway, all that is a long way of saying that my emotional investment in my writing is less about the substance of what im writing and more for the responses that i get. brotherhood is getting a lot of love in the comments so im even more pumped to work on it bc of those replies. they’re part of why i update two or three times a week instead of just the once on “sunday”

also thanks for calling my writing classy. that’s so nice. i definitely do not fuck around when i write haha sometimes, i should write lighter things, but i dont enjoy reading that as much so i usually dont

as for the whole problematic culture thing i mean. idk, i dont see it as much. i tend to keep to my fellows and in my corner of fandom, wherever it is, and thus avoid that part of ...everything. my opinion is that people should be responsible for the shit they decide to read and interact with and since so much of everything these days has some warning or another on it, you can’t get mad at authors for writing something you chose to read and then get upset by. you chose to read that, bro

[jojo-oc-simmer]

Belladonna Analysis: Is she a Mary Sue?

Author's Note: I'm super scattered about writing for Belladonna, so I decided to just compare her to Mary Sues to see if I'm writing a decent character.

Disclaimer" Can't find the person who created this commission for me. Their Deviant account was deactivated. If this looks like your artwork, LET ME KNOW.

First look into the Mary Sue articles on Tvtropes.

"The prototypical Mary Sue is an original female character in a Fanfic who obviously serves as an idealized version of the author mainly for the purpose of Wish Fulfillment."

Wish fulfillment isn't bad when it's meant to be a self-indulging wish fulfillment and is advertised as such. That's why self insert stories and self-ships are awesome. I, personally, just want Donna to be more than that.

Common Mary Sue Traits

1. Donna's Mary Sue Traits

.....if the author likes the canon work, the fic will not change very much of the canon work. The worst Mary Sues of this sort don't have any effect on the canon story; they just watch the plot, correctly guess everything that will happen, and occasionally take over one of the canon characters' accomplishments,

Hence why I prefer post-canon stories. The only Part 5 plot she changes is that she meets Fugo again after he didn't get on the boat. Belladonna's story, Fool's Gold, is more of a spin-off to Golden Wind. Her story doesn't officially meet the Bucci Gang until after Golden Wind.

She's a Friend to All Living Things and All-Loving Hero. Although the other characters are nowhere near as awesome as she is, she will forgive them for all their imperfections.

I'm not really understanding how those are Mary Sue traits. This contradicts the whole "She's superior" criticism of Mary Sues.

She's incorruptible — so much so that she may be unaware of the conceptof temptation.

Sadly, she does have that trait. lol

If a bad guy is violent and aggressive, she can beat him by being more violent and aggressive (with all that entails). It's impossible for her to go overboard because she's protected by Protagonist-Centered Morality.

To be fair, that could be a flaw of Donna's where she doesn't believe in mercy where there should be, because she's so angered by the situation. Kind of hard to give MAPs mercy and it's common to joke about not giving them mercy.

She has a perfect singing voice.

She'd sing for her church, so yes. She can sing.

She will be related to a canon character in some way.

This is where things get super Mary Sue, I admit:

She's a Zepelli.

Her non-related uncle was Abbacchio's partner.

She's either talked to Susie Q, Joseph, or Lisa Lisa. That's Donna's family knew about Air Supplena Island.

Her mom's a Russian hamon user that fought the Russian mafia that had Strohiem's technology.

Characters' previously established personalities change in reaction to her. Proud, arrogant gimps suddenly acknowledge her superiority in everything.

Abbacchio only changes because she's his partner's niece and it pains him to see Donna mourn for her late uncle.

Most characters give her more heed than they normally would. The good guys never stop praising her. The bad guys never stop belittling her (and thus making themselves look bad). They talk about her when she's not present.

She gets that treatment because she and her family are trying to take down powerful child abusers. This task doesn't take a week, unlike's Giorno's Bizarre Adventure. BTW, 99% of the characters in Fool's Gold are OCs too.

She is not bound by the rules of the universe,

Jotaro revived Joseph. I will not listen to Araki claiming the "no revival" rule.

2. Donna's NOT Mary Sue Traits

She has a Dark and Troubled Past,

NOPE! She was blissfully unaware of how broken her family was. She grew up quite happy.

She may be flawed, but these are all Informed Flaws........ This usually leads to "flaws" that never actually hinder the character or make her look bad. If it's something that makes her Darker and Edgier, like substance abuse or nymphomania, we never see any of the drawbacks of it.

I just have to remember "Show Dont Tell". Her strong sense of justice did lead to her spending most of her teen years in isolation from Italian society. Also, after being attacked by Black Sabbath, she was terrified of leaving Air Supplena Island for 3 years.

....expect the Green-Eyed Monster to show up.

No one envies Donna's life unless they come from a broken home.

She just grabs her lover's attention straight away,

NOPE! Fugo found her annoying the moment they met. Even when they first reunited in 2001, he found her to be (less) annoying. It's only after she and Giorno worked together to revive Fugo's fallen crewmate that he developed a crush on her. She had to earn the title of Mrs.Fugo. In my Yandere AU, this triggers Fugo's Yandere tendencies.

She essentially "cures" him of all the angst that ails him.

Donna was never the antidote to all of Fugo's emotional hang ups. Obviously, she does help him in a very positive way, that's why he fell in love.

3. Donna's traits that need work.

If there is a significant Time Skip (usually covering Mary Sue having a child, as the author wants to rush past the squicky parts of motherhood), don't expect her to act any differently than before.

Yeah, I need to develop this part more. I've only been analyzing the Bucci Gang as fathers.

Her skills will generally be inexplicable and poorly defined. Many of them may not actually play any role in the plot.

Donna's skills:

Loves anatomy and wanted to be a doctor.

Cooking and cleaning, yes this becomes important later.

Knowing the Bible, part of her character.

A little bit of Hamon to throw hard and break walls, but it's mainly used in stand for healing.

And she knows martial arts too, part of her stay at the island.

4. Other important information about Donna.

She will always be superior to the canon characters, regardless of what canon has established they can do or whether it makes any sense. Her powers will often be similar to those of the existing characters, only with all the downsides and limitations removed. If the characters need a new skill, she'll often already have it. And even if she does need to learn it, she'll pick it up in no time. This serves to make her indispensable to the canon characters.

Donna's stand only has two OP advantages, surviving Purple Haze (which Giorno can already do) and reviving people. Even then, reviving people causes damage to herself, potentially causing an excruciatingly painful slow death for her. Getting exposed to Purple Haze causes her to become sick.

Relatedly, there's no effort to her skills.

Enduring pain requires a fortitude she barely has. It's similar to the protagonist of Redo Of A Healer (A Dead Dove Do Not Eat series). However, she doesn't just feel the pain of the person, part of the damage appears on herself. She has to remember to steady her breathing to make the healing faster and even that causes her pain.

She doesn't have normal sex; she has the most mind-blowingly divine sex ever. Interestingly, she's often also a virgin at the start of the story, and not for any plot reason, but rather to differentiate her from the other girls in the story. Her lack of experience never diminishes the quality of the sex;

Rest assure. Her first time with Fugo was TERRIBLE. He jackhammered in and finished in 2 minutes. She didn't expect it to be great, honestly. Two virgins were not going to make it work. She was just happy she experienced it with her true love.

She speaks several languages fluently.

She knows Italian and Russian. She only knows Russian because of her mother being Russian. She KIND OF knows English, but her brother knows it better.

She has excellent fashion sense.

I mean.... she's rich. They have to know fashion for their high society social circles. Donna use to be very rich girl preppy, but after taking refuge in Air Supplena Island, she gained a more Lolita style.

She’s uniquely intelligent, often to the point of being a Child Prodigy or a Teen Genius. Her IQ, if it’s mentioned, is outrageously high. Her academic achievements are numerous;

NOPE! Her only academic achievement was being a B-C student in a prestigious primary school. Even Fugo's not that impressed with her intelligence. He just loves that she's a good listener and always willing to learn.

The other characters will constantly bring up how beautiful she is (even if the readers have no reason to believe it themselves).

Belladonna is an average girl. The only hot OCs I have are Mista's baby mamas (I'll talk about them in another post).

She is almost never depicted as putting any effort into maintaining her impossibly "perfect" body. She never has to diet or exercise to stay in fighting shape. She never has to use cosmetic products to maintain her beauty;

She absolutely does train to stay fit. And she does weak makeup when she has to.

Purity Sue

What is a Purity Sue?

"Incorruptible Pure Pureness is the theme here. When considering if a character belongs here, keep in mind that Purity Sue pretty much exists to be loved by everybody for being "perfect" in every way that matters. She doesn't do enough to justify the positive response. If it's less about the character's actions and more just about everybody's fascination with the character, it belongs here."

Basically, I have to remember to write Belladonna's actions proving she deserves the positive reactions she gets. That's fine, because I HATE "informed traits". Show, don't tell.

Other Tv Tropes that fit Belladonna.

Wide-Eyed Idealist

All-Loving Hero

The Heart

Brooding Boy, Gentle Girl

The Ingenue

The Cutie

Proper Lady

Childhood Friend Romance

Patient Childhood Love Interest