#and everytime smth happens im the first person they blame

[daylightfultay]

.

[fullsunstrawberry]

Dude so i have this best friend and we were normal friends before being best friends because she had another best friend but she dropped her and i honestly thought like „oh yeah she probably got tired of her“ and didn’t think anything of it. So we were best friends for a 1 year now and she is one of those people that get mad easily and have communication problems.. and everyone would tell her that but she never did anything about it. So everytime we „fought“ for no reason i was always the one to ask her what’s wrong lets talk about it first. But she would always answer my texts if i ask her. So we are in a friendgroup but around 4 weeks ago she started acting all distant and stuff but i didn’t mind cause she still talked to me normally and we still called everyday and met up. We drive with the same bus and aftee she enters the bus i give her a smile, she smiles back. And since the bus is full whenever someone says something funny, we give eachother looks like sll best friends do, which we did. After going out of the bus she was pissed but i didn’t know wtf her problem was cause we literally called the night before and on the bus everything seemed normal. Regardless since school hasn’t started yet we always go to the cafeteria and i still sat next to her, cause i didn’t do anything. I asked her something and she answered pissed for no reason. In recess we usually go together but this time she just ran away from me, and i didn’t know wtf i did. In art class we sit next to eachother and suddenly she needed something so she asked me. And then i was like dirst tell me what’s wrong wtv and she was like „why are you always looking at me like that” and i was like im literally not doing anzthing and then we talked about it and i had guessed that everyhing is okay again , usually she waits for me but she just ran away again. I still drove the same bus as her even though it takes longer to go home . The day after we didn’t talk at all. So i asked her again like always what’s wrong. And she left me on read this time. Bro i was soo pissed. Then we didn’t talk for a week and 2 days. So as i said we had 4 fridays to go to this other school right. So we got paired up together and talked like best friends again. And everyone was like „omg they are talking again“ etc. after school she texted me smth i answered and she just left me on seen, that was 1 week and 2 days ago and we didn’t talk at all since then she ignored me but keeps blaming it on me saying i talk shit abt her which is bs. I guess she’s just a bad friend, but people still ask me every single day what’s wrong cause they know she wouldn’t answer and since we were known to be best friends. I know shes an asshole but i still miss her😭

Sorry for making this so long, but i can’t talk to anyone about this except for one person and that’s not enough 😭

Also i can’t anon send pictures:( i tried before, and congratulations on your graduation!!!

-d

JUST NOW READING THIS OMG

i know i have no place to say this but she’s really giving fake friend energy!! if she doesn’t want to talk it out, it’s her fault. She would be the one throwing the friendship away :(

do you think she might be in a bad place mentally? maybe some space will help?

i’m sorry this is happening to you, sometimes a friend break up is worse than a romantic one :(

SENDING A VIRTUAL HUGG <3

make sure to focus on yourself too! don’t let this get between you and your health <3

[littlx-songbxrd]

Oh dear I'm late for the party but-

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

You always seemed to me like that big, incredible blog and I always love seeing a post of yours on my feed! That's why I'm astonished, I thought you have around 1000 followers or something, that's how talented and big I think your blog is 😂🙈

What's with ☀️ about Thomastair, 🌱 and.... 📘?

Again, congrats on 300 followers!!!! You deserve them and so much more!!🥳🥳

BTW, What is the chance your particular interest in Puerto Rican history is because of my love and regard, RARA? I learned about Puerto Rico myself because of her!

DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY ON THIS VERY FINE NIGHT BECAUSE I WILL-

I VERY MUCH WILL

THANK YOU SO MUCH AND ILY AND IDK WHY YOU THINK IM TALENTED BUT THANK YOU AND I DONT HAVE WORDS AND PLS JUST ACCEPT MY VERY TIRED RAMBLING❤

You know what Im so touched you get two memes because yeah I can do that

📘= hold on tight im tired enough to share my weirdest tlh theory (that MigHt make sense)

Elias is going to turn out to be the serial killer at some point, since he's under belials influence, and Alastair is gonna be framed or suspected of him being the killer at some point in the book. Personally believe Elias is only gonna be one of the people Belial influences into the muders, but hes gonna be one of the killers none the less. Everuthing about him is fishy, hes been gone for a few months, no one knows of him, and suddenly he comes back and murders start up again. I dont trust him, and I think he'll be the killer. Theres also some foreshadowing of this through Cordelias name, sense she does share a name with the hero of a story with princesses and a king who goes mad. But thats for another day.

Now on to Alastair being framed. I have 0 clue for this rather than overthinking his tarot card, Elias cut out and CCs twitter All the tarot cards have been made to depict smth that might actually happen in choi but his. His is the only one who depicts the card the way the actual tarot is supposed to look like. And even then the tarrot card only binds the feet, not the hands. Alastair is binded with both feet and hands, and his hand are binded to seraph blades, the murderers suspected weapon in the prologue. In the back of my mind I've always wondered if this may be because CC is trying to trick us that its metaohorical, when its as literal as all the others. Also his spears make a target in his back. Something that reminded a lot of the broken spear in Elias cut out. Tbh I would have let it go if not for Elias cut out.

Everything feels way to convinient. The broken spear, the dagger in Elias cut out that shows up on Alastair Chain of Iron card. The fact everytime CC refers to "impossible" things whenever talking about Alastair

Its insane but this is what I think, Elias is gonna use one of his sons weapons while possesed and leave it in the crime scene. They'll find the weapon, trace it back to Alastair and blame him. Thats what all the symbolism is for

🌱= Over quarantine I was really bored and decided "jaja why dont I form a club". Itd look good on my college applications, and I was really bored so I started making propositions and pushing the school board for it. It was all fun and games until....it got approved. I am now president of my schools first Language and Cultures club, as of right now we are learning Portuguese and Brazilian culture

So Como vai?

Also jaja my love for Puerto Rican history comes from being puertorican myself🇵🇷 (boricua como el coquí) but reyna is godtier

ALSO YOU KNOW ABOUT OUR HISTORY???? WAIT REALLY??? OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK TO ME ABOUT IT PLS I LOVE TALKING ABOUT IT

[moonlightjeno]

swashbuckle and islands

a/n : this boy will be the death of me i love him so much. excuse my horrible grammar. my fav gif, and has nothing to do with the story lol but enjoyyy

genre : angst + fluff

pairing : readerxjeno & readerxmark

word count : 2.6k

okay,

okie, be ready for this mess

and excuse any non spaced words my space bar isn’t working properly

cool so your from an island

which imma call Skye bc i can

now your mum is originally from Skye, and had like second cousins of a cousin or whatever to throne but she married you father who was from the mainland 

which is a big no no but at the time she didn’t care bc she was so in love

skip forward a couple of years and the father is a complete ass

doesn’t work or really do much except order your mum around

anyone who has a wonderful father or really good parents im sorry don’t attack me this is for the story

:)

so, mum has had you and your older brother, whom your brother continues to admire your father bc he really just wants love and is hella lost in this mess of a world

Moving on

you used to have a really good relationship with your father until he changed.

cheated on your mother, and would blame it on you mum

in response you really just tried to help you mum get through this mess

big big mess

your brother, at the beginning helped and tried to calm your father  

boy kinda gave up, hela understandable

and left to the mainland to study medicine

wooot go him

but you were devastated because you were now alone 

now bc your brother has left your father has really worsened and blocks your freedom more and more

The point where you were literally only allowed to like go to school, work in the fields and be a servant

sksksk 

now remember how your mum was like the second cousin or smth to the royal crown?

Twas was importanttt

that managed to get you a study abroad year in london, 

queue your best friend mark entering

this boy showed you what freedom was and felt like for the first time since your father went off rails

iss been like a good 13 years and you're like 16 ??

I digress

mark literally made you feel more yourself because of his natural outgoing and easy behavior

It really was pretty amazing

And then the hiding and going out late at night was over

It was back to no friends, working at the field

sad life tbh

I must note, that because mark lived in canada bc why tf not 

y’all couldn’t really communicate

this is set when pirates where a thing, think of pirates of the caribbean 

I love those movies 

okie, progress two years 

of you thanks to you mum’s second cousin related human lol

you became friends with the cousins friends daughter 

y’all really had known each other since they were smol 

but hadn’t really been friends, bc the girl was pretty quite and a beaut

even her own father treated her better than she treated her own daughter

smh, ik this is a cliche live with it

but overall she was a really good person and kinda managed to sneak you around the island when you weren't on “duty” for your father

though its not that you didn’t like working in the fields bc you loved helping out with the animals and occasionally give food to those who were less fortunate than you and really couldn’t afford it

being a trooper, that you are you often told your friend idk wanna give her a name so y’all could come up with one if it were up to me it would be lilith about what you would see around the island and how the country was pretty not doing a okay

she would listen and talk about her own problems and how she wished she could travel and paint everything 

Bonding over traveling yep yeo

one day, you were supposed to work in the fields as you tend to have to do to the cows, and sheep and horses, while picking up the apples? from the trees ??

Idk i don’t farm

either wayyyy

you had finished your tasks early, and had struggled, and i mean stRuGgLed to get away from your father

he was in one of his moods today, shouting at everyone and refusing to admit he needed help

it was a constant reminder of every bad thing every failure that could happen in your life every thing you didn’t want for yourself or your mum who had slowly been getting sick and y’all had some money that could have helped her but your father thought that she deserved the illness

and i quote he said “everything happens for a reason child, if your mother had treated me and had been a good person this wouldn’t have happened to her, but alas some people deserve what they get”

skskskks 

he continued to say how “i on the other hand, have been a good man all my life, have always helped others so i don’t get sick”

this man i swear to god this has actually happened help

being very much done with your father who you really wished would just disappear and leave you and your mom who no longer lived with you but now lived with lilith to be

you had thought of running away for a very long time, though never knew how to get off the island it seemed impossible

sure you knew how to fight, somewhat by watching the guards and the little training mark you had taught your two years ago. 

missing mark hours but it wouldn’t compare to the guards of the royals who would never aid you

and even if they had, you had never learned how to sail which was ironic as the island you lived in wasn’t very large. Your only method of transportation has been your legs and your families faithful horse lethian ?? who really was your favorite out of all the animals 

running away from the trapped life had always felt like a dream, one that you had lived for for the small year in london with mark

you thought about running away again, the idea of sneaking into a trading boat slowly forming in your mind

you could take her your mum and lilith and travel the world go to london again and paris and canada and re-unite with the friend you missed the most

a smile had formed on your previous grim face, the dream something you held onto until your eyes opened and smoke covered the sky

a ringing began in your ears and you tried to stop it, your hands covering your ears in an attempt to stop the noise but the ringing only got stronger

the sky was black, shots were heard were the village people yelled in panic

you looked out towards the sea and could see the outline of a ship

a very large ship

oh shit 

a pirate ship

the flag blew proudly in the boat and from where you stood the bone white skull that contrasted against the black around it was made visible everytime the wind blew 

you gasped, everything anyone had told you about pirates were that they weren’t to be trusted

they were ruthless and would do nothing to stop from getting what they wanted

the stories you'd heard all came to the same conclusion you see the flag you run in the other direction

you pace quickened and in small time you were running towards the blazing village now up in smokes fire and fog covering the bakery, and fields

the school that had taught you the basics of reading and writing until girls weren’t allowed to attend was a blaze royal guards their black and purple uniforms waved their hands around and pointed their too heavy too unbalanced swords not being of much use

mom 

she should be safe

safe with lilith you thought, looking back towards were the small castle stood its bold flag still flying proudly in the grey and black sky

safe , shes safe you keep telling yourself a constant buzz that you repeated over and over to yourself in order to continue moving towards the castle walls

you only lasted a solid five minutes before the guards were holding the civilians back

you sighed angry these idiots being more preoccupied with holding back the citizens who were trying to get to safety behind the castle walls than actually dealing with the threat at hand

who hired them really??

being the stubborn human you are you decided to head towards the back entrance as yuo saw a flash of blonde hair headin towards the back gate of the castle 

oh no was your immediate thought their gonna get to lilith and mum

all the guards had been directed out of castle except a few that had stayed inside to keep the royal fam safe the infirmary had been left unguarded

you looked around trying to look for a familiar face, a familiar guard who youd seen at a practice lilith had dragged you too she had said it was too “admire suitors” you had shaken your head and laughed 

you had no interest in tying yourself to a man that would treat you like something to throw around but you let her revel in her fantasies 

no familiar face was found so you turned and ran towards the blonde head you had seen walk towards the back entrance grabbing a sword from one of the dead guards 

your cursed the clothes women were given making it impossible to run in impossible to fight in 

the blonde boy turned around at your approach, he was young you noticed

probably your age, his grin was deviant and his eyes were mocking as she approached 

“please” you tried “don’t hurt hurt anyone else” 

the boy looked at you with a puzzled look at laughed, slashing away at the thorns and vines that encircled the back door to the castle as he found the lock and tried to break it open

you got closer, looking at the broken glass bottles that littered the floor and torches that lit up the fogged street 

the boy was too busy with the look to realize the girl that had come behind him and hit him in the back of the head with the swords dull pommel the boy let put a yelp before collapsing at your feet

your small victory lasted a small time and before you noticed the boy you had tied with the thorns and vines from the door, which continued to be locked 

your mum and lilith as far as you knew safe

began to stir and as his eyes opened another boy appeared at the end of the alley

his hair seemed to be part of the night sky, falling over his dark eyes. 

“mark!” the black haired boy cried, his hand at his scimitar pointed directed towards you his other hand had managed to slip a dagger out of god knows where and sliced mark’s binds

mark the name sent a shock through you and you took a closer look at the young boy whose eyes were now wide open no anger shown

 but instead amusement and the joyous spark you had once known

he looked so different 

the black haired boy still had a sword at your throat and you swallowed briefly 

“mark?” you gasped feeling the tip of the sword against your neck a small movement and it would nick your skin, blood would swell

‘Mark’ looked at you again and laughed, 

the black haired boy looked confused “let her go jeno” 

jeno was like ‘excuse me ? she knocked you unconscious no i'm not doing that’ he didn't say it but mark understood and laughed again this time it was more mischievous a feral grin adorned his features

“let her go, she’s coming with us” jeno and you were both like huh? has this boy gone mad?

probably letss be realll

“umm no im not” you snapped at the boy you once knew, you glared at jeno who had regrettably removed his sword away from your neck but had placed the dagger threateningly close to your back ashe forced you to move along

you didn’t get an answer from mark who still seemed very entertained by the whole situation

he had changed so much since you’d last seen him *sigh*

you three walked back towards the village and you hadn’t realized how the screams of pain and fear were no longer heard

more than a few guards littered the floors and you tried not to gasp as jeno forcefully continued to move you towards the sea its waters black 

the walk to the pirate boat seemed to last ages, the sun had begun to set in the sky casting dark purple and red shadows above the black water that didn’t reflect any light. It broke your heart to see the usually clear water be black, the animals that lived in the waters probably struggling to survive.

when you finally arrived, the panic began to settle in again. you didn’t know if your mum and lilith were safe, you didn’t know what would happen and the boy you knew two years ago had changed so much that you could no longer read what he was thinking 

the ship loomed in front of you, you hear the small buzz of chatter from the ship and laughter

why was there laughter in such a horrible place ??

“Come on” mark said, already walking getting onto the ship, not looking back at the mess they had left behind

You no longer felt the sharp prick of a dagger or sword at your back, but instead it had been replaced by a strong hand guiding you towards the ship

the contact startled you, and you straightened and continued to walk forward the ship only a few feet away, you still held onto the rock that you had hit mark with, your sword taken away by jeno

you forced your feet to stop moving, because one more step and you’d be on the pirate’s boat, and ducked, and made a weak attempt at attacking the black haired boy behind you hitting him with the small rock you had on the leg

you begin to move away from the boat. The victory lasted a solid second before jeno had his arms around you, pinning your hands behind your back. No longer smiling, or understanding in his dark eyes. you glared at him and then at mark who had finally turned around, a sort of sadness passed over his features before he spoke

“you can’t run away y/n” he said calmly. “remember in london? when you dream about running away, leaving this island and  exploring the world? away from your father?”

his words shocked you, but you didn’t want to leave your mum she had no one else 

“i can’t just leave mark !! my mum, she’s still there and i can’t just leave her with father” a look of recognition and understanding flitted through jeno’s face and reflected in mark

“i know, i know but if you stay here and go back” the boy shook his head, the dark of the night making his blonde hair a dull light in the fog, 

you knew, that in many ways he was right. if you did go back the villagers had seen you with the pirates, being taken by them as the village had burned down and you weren't scared. the worst scenario would be that if you did go back they would imprison you, ask you for information 

hurt mum, hurt lilith even is she was part of the royals

you felt the tears well up in your eyes, and refused to let them fall

“we aren’t all that bad” peeped jeno’s voice who had softened again, until you looked at him and his gaze hardened

you forced yourself a small smile, and placed your foot on the board of the boat 

“Let’s go swashbucklers” you said, 

after all, the stories you’d heard had come from your father, and all his stories were a lie.

a/n : i hope y’all enjoyed that. ik there wasn't much jeno lol but i’m planning on king this a series if you want? send me an ask, if you do! either way, 

peace out luvs,

stay safe

[sleepyreddie]

Richie Tozier X Reader Headcannons (platonic to relationship)

💗Pairing: Richie Tozier X Reader

Requested: YES - yoooo, how about some hc's about richie being fucking flustered when they first met reader¿ like idk at this point they are already teenagers or smth and he is known for being derry's heartthrob or something¿

a/n: flustered Richie is an art in itself. Thats all im gonna say. I love writing for my boy. Thanks for the request! Hope you enjoy! (I am so sorry this took so long oh my god)

🔥 Warning: (aged up, maybe 15-16)

Richie being Richie (aka dirty jokes and semi sexual innuendos)

Swear words

Word Count: 1643 (oh my)

Okay

Richie Tozier was like a magnet

To boys and girls alike

“Derry’s heartbreaker” was an earned nickname of his (along with Bucky Beaver and Trashmouth, of course)

He had built a name, as well as a persona for himself in the small town of Derry, Maine

That is, until you showed up

Because… damn

He had never seen someone so pretty hot

(he was one of the only people you had been attracted to within the first couple weeks of moving to Derry and starting at school because he was very nice to look at)

He was in a couple of your classes and the two of you took to staring at each other when the other wasn't looking

And then glancing away really fast so you weren't caught (spoiler, you always caught him)

The problem, however…

He had never really talked to you, minus simple questions about work

He prefered to admire from afar

Very far

Something about you made him very confused

He had talked to so many other girls before

And when I say so many, I mean SO MANY

But yet, he had never had this problem before

he was always so confident, but everytime he tried to string together a sentence around you he could barely get one word out

And for the first little while, you thought it was because he wasn't interested

You had heard of the rep he had built for himself

Some called him a ‘player’

‘Emotionally unattached’

‘Goes from girl to girl’

you figured that’s just the way he was

(Which was a complete disappointment because you found everything about him really attractive)

Like, e v e r y t h i n g

A n y w a y s

You were pleasantly surprised one day, when a boy named Ben Hanscom introduced himself to you and invited you to sit with him and his friends at lunch after the both of you tried to take out the same book in the library

So, the next day, he found you after class and you followed him to met the rest of the ‘Losers’, as he called them

And you almost felt your heart fall out of your body at the sight of the one and only, Richie Tozier, joking with whom you presumed to be Ben’s other friends

And you would not believe how surprised and excited he was when you sat down across from him

He physically had to restrain himself

Stay cool, Richie

“You guys, this is Y/N, she’s in my language class. She just moved here.”

The kids you didn't know started to introduce themselves - Stan, Bill and Beverly

you already knew Eddie from your science class. He had refused to participate in the frog dissection project, almost throwing up before he made it out the door. You didn't blame him. He seemed weak on his knees.

“And Richie, yeah. I’ve seen you around. We have Soc. together”

Remember how I said Eddie was weak on his knees?

Richie couldn't feel his knees

Or the rest of his body

Forget being cool

YOU KNEW HIS NAME

He was screaming on the inside

Beverly was instantly drawn to you because you were a girl

Richie was 50/50 on this

Because HE wanted to be the one talking to you and making you laugh because your face was so pretty when you laughed

But while you were busy talking to Beverly, he had time to stare

According to the Losers, this boy had no feelings whatsoever

But they had started to notice something different about him

Like he was being e x t r e m e l y spaced out

You didn't really notice, as he was always kind of that way around you

Sort of, a less crazy version

You found it strange, as the Losers always told you stories were Richie would do something crazy and it just seemed so unlike him because you had never really seen him act that way

One day, they knew something was up when Eddie said something that would have normally set Richie off into a spur or inappropriate jokes

This was definitely the day Richie realized there was a lot more to what he thought was just physical attraction to you

So Eddie spoke, and braced himself for Richie’s comments

But nothing

“Richie, did you hear what Eddie just said?”

“... mhm”

And then they realized he was staring

Right

At

You

“Richie, s-s-seriously? She's our friend, stop b-b-being such a loser”

“Shut it, Bill. Your a loser”

“Oh my god”.

“You like her.”

He got all red faced and sweaty palmed

“What? No, thats f-fucking - you g-guys, no, uh, no way w-”

“Okay Richie, you’re starting to sound like Bill”

And then everything kinda made sense to them

How he always stared at you when he said something to get a reaction

Or watched you for surprisingly long as you walked away

Or always seemed to walk next to you any time it was possible

And always talked about you when you weren't around

And that's when his friends realized something was actually wrong with him

Like, who was this love struck teenage boy?

They didn't even know that Richie was capable of feelings

He would have most definitely on multiple occasions bailed on asking you out

Because every time he saw you, he was speechless.

He took to staring at you every chance he got

People started to notice that Derry’s resident playboy had suddenly toned down his endless flirting and had stopped making out with new girls every day

No one, besides the Losers, knew why he had suddenly become so different

Him and his friends would stand in the hallway and you would walk by with Bev and holy shit Bill does she always look that pretty? Like I think those legs would be amazing wrapped around m-”

“Richie I swear to god if you don't ask her out, I will”

Richie knew Bill didn’t have the guts

But he also knew he didn’t have them either

He thought you were so amazing

At least that's what he told Eddie

All. the. Time.

And yet he did nothing about it

He wanted to, so bad

But he was worried he would just ruin everything

You, on the other hand, were convinced that the two of you would never happen

The boy had no problem flirting with other girls

But he didn't even really talk to you

you had given up on trying to make conversation with him

as he always got all... weird and awkward 

But then Bev convinced you otherwise

She knew Richie liked you and you liked Richie, but she found it much more amusing to not tell either of you

The Losers were kind of sick of it, because apparently it was blatantly obvious that the two of you were i n  l o v e

“No Ben, I’m not putting a note in her locker”

“Fine, I’ll get Eddie to do it for you.”

“Ben, no.”

One thing's for sure, he was a confused boy

He didn't understand how one person could make him feel the way you made him feel

He also didn't really understand why when he saw you laughing with Bill it made him want to strangle himself

Which is exactly what he almost did one day when the you and the Losers were hanging out

He didn't, but he huffed and stormed out of the room with a cheap excuse because in the moment you seemed so much more interested in Bill than you ever would be in him

The Losers took one look and you and Bill talking and knew exactly what was up

You, on the other hand, were confused

“What just happened?”

And Beverly just glanced between you and Bill and suddenly you knew exactly what was up so you got up and headed out after Richie into the hallway

“Richie, what the fuck… ?”

“Y/N, why don't you just go back and hang out with Bill, he probably misses you”.

“What? Richie, what's wrong with you?.”

“Whats wrong with me? What's wrong with you?”

“Wh-”

“I fucking like you, okay? I have ever since I saw you walk into school for the first time and I felt like I was gonna pass out because your really hot, and every time I saw you after that I felt confused and fucked up because I actually really fucking liked you, and not just because your hot but because your funny and nice and deal with me, and I didn't know how to tell you, and it's hard enough to hide that I don't like you when you're practically sitting on Bill’s lap and ignoring me”.

Fuck

That was most definitely not that way he was planning on telling you

You were still trying to process everything when he turned and started to walk towards the front door

“Richie?”

“What.”

“Your hot too. And your funny, and smart, and nice. And if you wanna ask me out, you should go for it”.

And with that, you were gone, back to where the Losers sat in Bill’s living room.

And he followed right after you and spoke right in front of the rest of you friends

“So, what, are we dating now?”

You shrugged and nodded at the same time

“What the hell happened in that hallway?” ( = Stan smacking Eddie as Richie sits down besides you)

And this time, as the night went on, the butterflies he got were good

Because he had finally gotten what he wanted

You.

Final a/n: I hope you guys enjoy this! it is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be lol, which is why it took so long, I just didn't know how to finish it lmao. I hope you like it! 👍🏼 I am accepting requests! please send them in!

[czernyxs]

lmao @now-entering-oakland tagged me to do this like 2 months ago,,, whoops anyways!!! ABC tag thing!!! yeah!!!

A- age: 16 B- Birthplace: washington dc C- current time: 18:09 D- Last drink you had: coke i think? E- easiest person to talk to: fuck dude my dog i guess??? F- favorite song: im changin this everytime someone asks me but rn maybe breezeblocks by ∆? G- grossest memory: ive blocked out everything that’s happened to me in the past 16 years dude i have no clue H- horror yes or no?: FUCK YEAH I- in love?: hhhhh kinda? hhhhh J- jealous of people?: yea when i see a hot dude im like ‘damn i wish i could look like that’ K - Killed someone?: jesus christ tumblr no??? like most people???? L - Love at first sight or should I walk past again?: mmmm some ppl are cute but uhhhhhhh,,,, u gotta kno people to love them dude M - Middle Name: daniel. i blame @dir-lucretia PLEASE DANIEL WE CANT KEEP DOING THIS N - Number of siblings: none O - One Wish: to die? P - Person I called last: probably my mom lol Q - Question you’re always asked: do you think??? people talk to me???? wild R - Reason to smile: dogs S - Song you last listened to: im listenin to stayin out all night rn (its by fall out boy and like,,, wiz khalifa or smth?) T - Time you woke up: 7:20 ish? U - Underwear color: black like my soul  V - Vacation: i said this once ill say it again but hell W - Worst habit: blu tac definitely X - X-rays: ive gotten a few, but never broken any bones before! Y - Your favorite food: mac n cheeseeeee

i tag: @yonaga-s, @nootthedoot, @ouma-dabbing-is-my-kink, @yeahiamweird, @stupid-altean-pools, @euvoi, and joseph if u ever check tumblr lol

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.