#and ey just...casually getting princess treatment everywhere he goes

[homeless202]

that girl is so lucky🫣

[yawnderu]

hello!! big fan of bimbo!reader and simon, i love them so much. i imagine them having a gym they go to together and while simon is doing his workout, getting hella into it, he looks over and bimbo!reader is always just kind of playing on her phone while sitting at a machine legs swinging. or we just follow ghost around so we can stare at his big sweaty muscles for the whole hour. bimbo!reader def makes going to the gym an experience, has to wear a cute lil outfit with her matching water bottle, etc. i’m at the gym writing this 🥲🥲

HII lovely!! thank you so so much<333 answering this along with your other ask!! omg with my last ask, i feel like simon enjoys watching bimbo reader get hot on at the gym. when she turns down goes, she points over to her big buff bf 🥰🥰

The princess treatment applies everywhere. Simon racks and unracks the weights for you, sometimes even adding his own to complete sets after you.

It never fails to amuse him how you can casually do his PR on leg extensions, perfectly manicured nails holding your phone, the strawberry charm he bought you dangling from it.

He doesn't fail to notice how you keep staring at him when you think he's too focused on his workout, muscles bulging out from his tight, black compression shirt every time he lifts the heavy weights. He sometimes gives you a side eye, a small smirk pulling on the corners of his lips at the fact that you're staring so hard.

He's not bothered by it, it's actually quite the opposite— he feels proud of working so hard, keeping his body strong to protect you, and he knows you'll be praising his muscles once you're both back home. He's already aching to feel your long acrylics run down his skin gently, squeezing at the muscle.

Pretty little thing like you, wearing a lovely pink outfit matching with your water bottle. He can't stop himself from staring as you warm up, looking at the way your shorts hug your curves, sports bra exposing most of your back now that the pump cover has been discarded. He watches with amusement as a guy comes up to you, trying to strike conversation.

“Hey, beautiful.” Your face scrunches up before turning around, trying your best to give him a small smile and not look disgusted at the idea of anyone other than your Simon flirting with you.

“Taken.” You point towards Simon, your face lighting up as he makes eye contact with you before turning to stare at the guy, raising an eyebrow. He doesn't even have to make himself more brooding— his size itself is enough for the other guy to simply turn away without saying a word, going to another corner of the gym to finish his workout.

Simon's brown eyes are fully focused on you as you walk to him, standing on your tip toes to give his cheek a soft kiss.

“I'll spot for you, Si.” He doesn't need a spot, yet having you watching him has always made him reach a new PR each time. Anything to impress his angel.

Bimbo!Reader Masterlist

[hoonshouse]

enha hyung line: as fwbs

smut, afab!reader

heeseung: boy is sooooo pussydrunk </3 really puts the "friends" in friends with benefits because he insists on you doing everything and going everywhere with him. if you didn't know better, you'd think he has feelings for you, but he really just wants you in arm's reach at all times so he can get it in at the drop of a hat. he has absolutely no shame. his lap is your permanent seat no matter who's around and he will just randomly start kissing the back of your neck when he gets the sudden urge to have you. if you ever have to bail on a hook up, he gets so fucking pouty like he really acts like he will die if you don't come over and fuck him rn. even when you're not together, you're in constant contact with this dude because all he can think about is fucking like sfjsfj he's texting you constantly trying to rile you up so you'll come to him. 100000/10 fuck though like good luck ever feeling fully satisfied in bed with anyone else after him.

jay: you all knew i was going to say this but a sugar daddy fr </3 always makes sure you eat well when you're with him and if you even casually mention needing to pay for something or buy something, he just picks up his phone and sends you the money without saying anything. you can't have anything weighing down your mind because then you may not have time to see him and he can't have that. buys you the prettiest things to wear but he does that for himself because he wants to see you in them. he'll text you before you're supposed to meet up like "wear that dress i bought you on friday." you'll have to try like hell not to fall in love while you're hooking up with jay because he takes care of you and fucks you like he's in love with you even if he isn't. he doesn't even expect you to leave after like he's perfectly happy to let you fall asleep on his chest and leave whenever you want. you didn't even order the princess treatment but you got it.

jake: so aloof but it only makes you want him more let's be real lmao 😭 you straight up do not hear from this man unless he's texting to arrange something or if you text him first and even then he doesn't have much to say. he's just being careful, okay? he knows feelings can be caught and that's not the plan or the vibe. he treats you like one of his bros sdkfjsdf he's not holding hands or engaging in adoring eye contact but he's giving you high fives and play fighting with you. all that said, you see him a lot. his sex drive is high so he needs you around more often than not. sometimes you'll see him in the afternoon between your plans just to have sex and then he's calling you that night for phone sex because he just can't help himself. he's really good at keeping it lowkey though. when you're around other people, no one has any idea you're fucking because he plays it cool. he's a master at skillfully slipping you away from the group without anyone seeing and fucking you in the other room and then coming back like nothing happened.

sunghoon: possessive even if he doesn't have feelings for you. being fwbs with sunghoon is usually so fun because he really does just treat you like a cherished friend when you're not hooking up. he plays with you, goes to get food with you, and just generally spends time with you with no strings attached. he doesn't need sex to be involved to hang out, though of course a lot of the time it happens anyway. he covers the entire spectrum too—he'll have goofy sex, soft sex, rough sex—whatever the day calls for. always makes sure you're good after because like i said before, you are his friend at the end of the day and he wants to make sure you're comfortable with your less-than-friendly activities !! he gets unbearably possessive when he sees someone flirting with you from across the room or if you mention another guy to him in a more than platonic way. he swears it's not because he has feelings, but because he is simply better than them and insists on proving his point by making you cum again and again until you're crying.

cr. cafekitsune for mdni banners ♡

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

10. Bathroom wall a.k.a. a queen bee, Prince in the shower and a backup Casanova (Part One)

„After all… it could be worse. It’s definitely nicer than the apartment I shared with the Friels in L.A.”

“Spare me the details…” Stone mumbles as we’re walking with our bags and suitcases to our rooms. Every second neon light is flickering, which, apart from making me tic, creates a Hitchcockian vibe here. But we have no choice, this is the only motel in the smalltown in which we are stuck for one night on our way to Charlotte. The tour bus of the crew broke down and after two hours of consultation, the drivers confirmed the case requires a car mechanic. Since we were in the late afternoon, Eric decided to cancel our hotel reservation for this night and we checked in the first and only motel we found here.

“I’m happy we only have to spend one night here. Not that I’m picky but this Bates Motel scares the hell out of me…” Judy glances around nervously, reading in my mind as usual. “It’s that a cockroach trap?” she squeaks.

“Don’t worry, I know how to deal with insects, I grew up on a farm, these bastards show up very often around animals.”

“…aaand that’s exactly why we have to worry…” Stone adds having us in stitches.

“Stoney, your only luck is that I can handle any sort of animals.” Jeff retorts grinning as he walks a few steps backwards to see Stone’s reaction but he tactically waits with his retort for him turning back.

“Oh yeah… and you can’t wait to show her your one-eyed trouser snake.” he mutters and I try to mask my snorts by faking a cough. However much I like Judy and however much I have no idea what’s going on exactly between her and Jeff, Stone’s remarks about their bashful kindergarten romance are just hilarious…

“I’ve got bugs in my room…” Ed shows up in the door we’ve just passed.

“Bugs… and no TV.” Beth puts her head out too.

“Great. All I’ve wanted was to stare random sports coverages with glazed eyes and not to think about anything…”

“Since when have you needed any outside help to do that?” Stone targets our bassist again.

“Well, Mike, you’ve won the jackpot. One night with Stone without a TV… What do you think, Jeff, how long it’ll take until he knocks on your door begging you for cutting his cochlear nerves out of his skull?” she asks raising one eyebrow.

I must admit Stone has met his match in this girl. Honestly, I can’t stand when they are yelling with each other but a healthy level of wrangling can’t hurt. At least he leaves us alone while he’s busy with hating her… and she’s not that damsel in distress what she looks like at first sight, even if Stone isn’t willing to acknowledge that.

“Why does nobody care about ME?” Stone whines. “One night without TV… in the company of Mike McCready’s infamous right hand…”

I jinxed it.

“You know, Stone, I still can strangle you with the left one…”

“EWWW!” the others groan in unison, probably visualizing the scene. Now that I think into it, it’s rude, truly…

“Mike, behave yourself, we have now a lady in the crew; we can’t act like wild boars anymore…”

“But wild boars can’t even…”

“A lady. Of course. And what I am? Or who? Wilma Flintstone?” Karrie shakes her head with folded arms standing in the next door.

“Oh, you’re such a badass that we always forget you’re a woman… Okay, that definitely sounded better in my head.” I duck my head seeing the reproving expression of the others. “What I’m trying to say is that you survived several tours with punk bands, I’m sure we’re innocent lambs in comparison to them…”

“Pure, immaculate babies…” Jeff bats his eyelashes.

“You’d better prepare for getting dirty… since there’s no shower in the rooms…”

“What?” Judy lets out a short scream that reminds me of the squeak of a random exotic bird.

“I’m serious, there’s only a toilet with a small sink.” she opens the door in her room. As I enter to peek in, the smell strikes me. Everything in the room, including the furniture, the tapestry, the curtain is saturated with the massive smell of cigarette smoke. I don’t even know if one could get rid of this level of smell… maybe by demolishing the whole building and sowing salt onto its place…

“Does that mean there’s no shower here at all?” Judy inquires one octave higher.

“No worries, it’s here…” we hear Dave’s voice from the end of the hallway. Judy drops her backpack on the ground and hurries in his direction; after a collective shrug, we decide to follow her. On entering, I count two sinks and a rickety classroom chair in the forefront; I go on with my expedition and find myself in a wider room with each four shower compartments on both sides.

“What do you think, is that the women’s shower or…” Judy wonders. We exchange an amused look before bursting out in laughter.

“Judy, I doubt there’s another one in this building.” Jeff throws one arm around her shoulder. “But I’m sure we’ll find a solution to this problem.”

“S-sure.” she reddens in a second. “D-did I mention I lived in a dorm in my first two years on Juilliard? Actually, there were separate showers for girls and boys but you could never know whom you could encounter there…” she jabbers examining the nose of her shoes.

“And which one did you visit more often?” Stone asks in a phlegmatic manner not showing much interest in the answer since he begins to discover the room with both hands in the pocket.

“Actually, showers have great acoustics so I would use the evenings when everyone was away and sneak in with my bassoon to practice…” her face lights up. The poor girl hasn’t suspected yet what I already know: Stone will use the occasion to embarrass her all the more.

“So you practiced on your bassoon there. Finally, I’ve learned how classical musicians call it!”

“Tell me Stone, what makes you think about penis all the time?” Jeff grins while Judy is only staring in front of herself completely mortified. “We’re talking about animals… PENIS! We notice the lack of TV… PENIS! Judy mentions a musical instrument… PENIS! What would Freud think about that?” he takes his chin between his thumb and index finger and starts scratching it with them, pretending cogitation.

“We should call Amber, the guy needs urgent treatment.” Dave snorts.

“Or I can leave you alone for this evening…” I place my hand on Stone’s shoulder with a meaningful expression.

“Okay guys… I leave you alone and give you five minutes to discuss your pubescent wet dreams or to do whatever you collectively want to, I’m not interested in the details, what happens here that stays here but after the blood returns in your brain, we should decide what to do in the evening since I want to spend here as little time as possible. I saw a bar opposite the motel, maybe they have a TV or maybe we could play pool or foosball…”

“Great idea. Now leave.” Dave tosses her jokingly to the hallway.

I do like her idea, I’d be anywhere but here… but I already know the signs. The knives in my stomach… it’s coming…

***

„Look, Judy and Scully are sitting there!”

“…and that’s why we’re gonna choose another table…” Stone mumbles.

“I tell you a secret: you won’t catch leper just by sitting next to her…”

“I don’t wanna hazard, how would I look with one ear or… whatever…”

“A smaller nose wouldn’t hurt, though…”

“I must say, Stone’s right…” Dave turns back to me. “You shouldn’t breathe down her neck all the time.”

“I don’t…”

“You do.” they answer in unison and Dave goes on like he was the dating guru of the band. “If you like a girl and follow her everywhere like a puppy, she will take it for granted. But if you sometimes act casual and don’t treat her like a princess…”

“… she will have no clue whether I like her or not and nothing will happen between us in the rest of our lifetime.” I cut him off.

“No, it’s all about tactics! You show interest, then you pull back, but you’ve already piqued her curiosity so she takes the next step, then you make a move again and this time you try to get closer than last time, then you take back from the pace again making her jealous… and so on…”

“Come on, it’s not like a basketball match, I hate playing games and dancing things around, I just go and ask her out and tell her how I feel and if she rejects me, at least I can tell I didn’t run circles… I hate making a fool of myself.”

“As you want, Jeff… but one thing I know: the most exciting girls all play “the game”. All of them. I’ll grab the beers.” Dave sums up with a meaningful grin before heading to the counter.

“You should leave her alone. I mean not because of what Dave said, obviously, neither is she exciting, nor is she a player and I’m scientifically not convinced that she’s a girl at all but seriously… you can’t expect much from her…”

“I don’t really care about your opinion, you can’t stand her, fine, but I…”

“… you can’t expect much from her…” he repeats taking a deep breath “because she’s a virgin.“

“Hahaha, Jesus, Stone, forget this bullshit finally, not all decent girls are nuns or spinsters!” I shake my head glancing to the direction of the decent girl in question. Luckily, the TV screen over the counter and the broadcasting of a basketball match on it serve as unquestionable excuse for me following what’s happening at our friends’ table.

“Bashfulness is one thing… and her potato bag-like dresses weren’t designed for seduction either but… I’ve heard something…”

“What? Her reading her gynecology record?” I snort.

“Very funny… you think I’m kidding… it happened at the SNL set. Between our appearances, I went back to our dressing room and when I entered she was… begging Eddie to show her how to use a condom…” Stone gets finally to the point pushing the ash tray back and forth with his thumb.

“Are you high or what? You mean she… she… she asked Ed to grab his dong and…” I’m trying to overcome my laugh attack.

“Jesus, no!!! She wanted him to do it with a banana. Plus, Beth was there too.”

“This story is getting better and better.” I keep snickering as I bury my face in my hand, not that me tearing off my own face would bother Stone in finishing the presentation of his theory.

“Well, it sounds pretty sick at first but if you think into it… she’s inexperienced… she gets on well with Beth… who tries to enlighten her about sex stuff… and she gets the idea that her boyfriend could help her with the male side of the story…”

“Stone?”

“Yup?”

“You’re a fuckin’ perv, you watch too much threesome porn.” I lean closer looking in his eyes.

“Since when has been threesome a perverse thing?” he asks back avoiding my eyes with a lopsided smile.

“I didn’t say that. But fantasizing about Judy discussing sexual topics with a couple who happen to be our friends is definitely only the product of your twisted mind.” I poke him in the forehead with my index finger. “Anyway, this whole incubus is full of contradictions. Like, you know too that Ed can be pretty shy about certain topics, if this scene had happened the way you told, he would have got embarrassed and…”

“I know, it was weird to me too but he even began to joke about it suggesting that we should write a song about ejaculation…”

“Haha, I always thought Mike would be the first to come up with that…”

“You know, some people write songs about it, some people practice it… Anyway, admit it, it makes sense. She’s shy, she reddens all the time, she even makes up a ridiculous excuse just to avoid being kissed…”

“…which is also only your theory, let’s make it clear.” I interject but in the meantime, I catch myself observing Judy’s body language. She talks to Scully with folded arms, as if she was trying to squeeze in and take up as little space as possible. Noticing my distraction, Stone also glances towards them and goes on with his mental leap, not taking his eyes off them.

“Of course… it’s possible that I misheard them. Maybe she was talking about bandanas and I thought it was about a banana. Maybe she didn’t even say “condom.” Maybe she said bottom… or bonbon… or pontoon… or…”

“Just shut up finally!” I grunt still focusing on my target who now tucks both palms under her thighs and listens to our guitar tech with undivided attention. I wish there was a manual on the typical moves of sexually inactive girls… shit, Stone’s tactic works. As always. He’s got that annoying skill to bug with you his impossible ideas again and again until you realize he’s put a bee in your bonnet and crawled totally into your mind. “Anyway, even if you’re right, what does it change?”

“Right about what?” Dave rejoins the conversation and distributes the three bottles of beer before he sits back on his place.

“Whether Saint Judith has already popped the cherry.” Stone grins against the rim of the bottle with sassy eyebrow twitches.

“Geez, don’t you have anything better to talk about?” Dave shakes his head and I reward his reaction by clapping appreciatively. “Anyway” he goes on with a little break while he’s taking a sip “if you’re that curious, why don’t you just go and ask Karrie?”

“I’M NOT CURIOUS ABOUT IT!” I raise my voice. “Excellent idea Dave, I don’t even know why it hadn’t occurred to me before… like, “hey Karrie, has your cousin banged recently? I mean, since she was born?” After all, she would probably only tear my head off and play basketball with it stomping on my dead body. It’d be totally worth trying.”

My reaction makes Dave laugh so hard that he ends up dropping the cigarette he’s just put into the corner of his mouth. As he places it back approaching it with the lighter, I hear a female voice over my head.

“Have you got light?”

The owner of the voice is a tall, slim girl. She isn’t pretty in the conventional meaning but the contrast between her dark hair and eyes and her pale skin gives her a femme fatale look. The red lipstick she’s wearing only multiplies this image; due to the striking phenomenon, it takes me a few seconds to notice the two other girls standing behind her. They are nice but obviously not nice enough to eclipse the vibe of Lipstick Girl. After all, ladies-in-waiting have never been allowed to look better than their queen…

“Sure” mumbles Dave offering the lighter, not that he’s got any choice because Lipstick Girl has already taken place on the fourth chair after her rhetorical question.

Stone and I glance at each other confirming that we don’t have any other choice either than reaching out for each one chair at the surrounding tables and pulling them closer to ours, so that the other two girls don’t have to be standing miserably around us.

“You’re those guys from Pearl Jam, right?” Lipstick Girl inquires blowing the smoke lazily. For no reason, though, since knowing the answer, she goes on with the next question. “And where’s your singer?”

I should have known. They are interested in the famous Eddie Vedder. As ninety-nine percent of people who know the band.

“He stayed at the hotel. With his girlfriend.” I try to answer in a dark voice.

“Oh. That’s too bad. I’m Claudia, by the way.” her face lights up as she reaches out her hand to Stone and I can’t decide whether her sudden enthusiasm is real or she’s a serial killer who’s just found her backup victim.

“That Guy From Pearl Jam.” Stone shakes hands with her.

“And these are my friends, Jordan and Wendy.” she goes on with the introduction, ignoring Stone’s sarcastic response. Wendy can’t help giggling excitedly hearing her own name while Jordan sends a shy smile towards us.

“Actually, we rather call him Stone. It’s shorter and simpler. Sort of… classy.” I explain.

“Yes, and since we’re all “That Guy From Pearl Jam”, we had to find out another names, otherwise we’d never know who’s talking to whom. That’s why we call him Jeff.” Dave points at me cracking the girls up with his joke, of course Claudia’s laughter is the loudest from the trio.

“Actually, we found this dude in a dumpster. We decided to adopt him and named him Dave.” I point back at our drummer keeping our company entertained. Tit for tat. ”By the way, Stone is our guitarist…”

“Rhythm guitarist…” he feels necessary to specify the name of his position.

“Oh my god, I love rhythms.” Wendy exclaims pressing her hand against her chest.

“But Dave is our rhythm master-in-chief, he plays the drums.”

“Actually, bass belongs to the rhythm section too… by the way, I’m the bass player…” I add although I doubt they could distinguish between the types of guitars.

“And aren’t you playing a show tonight?” Jordan finally speaks up but before we could answer politely her dumb question, Claudia humiliates her saying out loud what’s probably not only on my but also my bandmate’s mind.

“Of course they aren’t, what do you think, they have clones or what? Anyway, what are you doing here?” she suddenly turns back into the chatty Catwoman, sending an irresistible smile at Stone. She must be bipolar.

“We’re just hangin’ out… talkin’ about stuff… mostly manly stuff. Porn… tuned cars…” Stone shrugs.

“Oh my god, I love tuned cars!” Wendy clucks in, obviously her sensor for sarcasm isn’t working, in case she has one at all.

“…guns…” Dave adds and despite my expectations, Wendy doesn’t express her enthusiasm this time.

“…and basketball…” I throw in my contribution but I immediately lose interest in the conversation, when Dave nudges me nodding towards Judy and Scully. I immediately decode his signal and glance there too to realize Judy is staring us. And as far as I can see, her expression is curious and confused at the same time.

“You see? It’s working…” Dave mutters between his teeth pretending to listen to the rambling of Wendy and Claudia. “Now make her clear she’s not the center of the universe, you notice other girls too…” he advises pulling out the next cigarette of the pack. As always, Stone reaches out for it too knowing Dave always spares him and pardons his grubbing.

“Wow, may I check your hands?” Claudia uses the occasion and like every time since they joined us, she does what she wants regardless to the answer, which means this time her grabbing Stones right hand and starting touching it enthusiastically. “Your hands are beautiful… how can fingers be that long? And they are so soft!” she also narrates the process, making Stone let out a silent chuckle. Despite being the sarcastic commenter of our life, he can be pretty aloof with strangers and I’m sure he’s embarrassed this time too. Driven by a sudden idea, I basically push my hands in the face of Jordan.

“Look, bassist hands look totally different!”

“Yeah… your finger seems… stronger. I like your rings…” she flushes but I find more interesting the outraged grimace of the girl behind her. Is it possible that Dave was right? She’s flailing as she’s explaining something angrily to Scully, still looking at us… Is she maybe…jealous? Yass!!!

In the meantime, music starts playing from the speakers, it’s Hot Stuff by Donna Summer. Weird choice at a pub without a real dance floor but the girls at our table don’t feel bothered by that fact since they all start screaming grabbing for each other’s hands.

“Oh my god, I love this song!” Wendy shrieks. How surprising.

“I can’t help dancing every time I hear it!” Claudia sighs and in the next second I see her pulling Stone – whose hand she’s still holding in hers ­ in the middle of the bar while our bandmate turns back and sends desperate S.O.S. signals to us.

“Yes, let’s dance!”

The two other girls follow them and they encourage us to do the same by shouting back at us. Dave silently grins at me and I immediately know what’s on his mind.

“No. No way. Forget it.”

“Come on Jeff, let’s finish what you’ve started. Everything for the cause.”

As his smile grows wider I realize I have no choice.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I groan as I pinch the bridge of my nose, even closing my eyes tightly as if it could help me turn invisible. “Okay, let’s do it.” I exhale deeply and drag myself after Dave.

I honestly hope this works… And if it does, I’ll want to get a very generous reward for it.

***

„I gladly help you, Judy but don’t you think it’ll be too much? You want to learn everything at once. I mean, I’m not saying you’re not capable of it but I’m not sure that my experiences would be useful… even Brett’s task is closer to that of Karrie’s, so…”

“The more I work with the team the more I feel that I know nothing. N O T H I N G. Karrie’s done this job for years and I only have weeks to become her replacement… Jesus, I was a goddamn idiot when I said yes.” Judy leans her forehead against her palms with a desperate sigh. “This whole job is about physics that has never been my strength…” she lifts her bottle to her lips, which is a move she’s done very often tonight. Actually, I don’t mind it, she hasn’t been very talkative to me but seemingly, beer proves to be an effective tongue loosener at her.

“Come on, do the others look like rocket scientists?”

“Of course not. But everything what they learned by experiencing step by step, I have to compensate in like… weeks? A degree in physics or electrical engineering would be more useful than my skill to recognize chords by ear or analyze a fugue theme or…

“And why do you think that the guitar tech could introduce you into the mysterious world of sound waves and frequencies? I basically just tinker with Stone’s guitars, prepare him cold beer on the amp and hand him the towel between songs…”

“You forgot to mention your supernatural ability…”

“…which would be…?”

“First, being able no to vomit of the look of his sweaty body… and to bear him, generally. Seriously, man, you should receive the Nobel Peace Prize, it’s some achievement.” she glimpses narrow-eyed at the three-fifths of the band. It’s beginning. They don’t even need to be in any interaction to find excuses for sparring. “Sorry, I know you get on well with each other, he’s your friend, yadda-yadda… but he simply gets on my nerve and he even enjoys it.”

Actually, that’s exactly what Stone keeps telling about her too but I rather swallow my remark. When the guys arrived, I was about to wave them so that they came over but she almost broke my arm and categorically declared she couldn’t even bear the sight of him. I thought her liking the other guys could make her overcome her aversion but I was wrong.

“Karrie hasn’t allowed me yet to do anything with her soundboard during the gigs but she gives me smaller tasks at sound checks and encourages me to experiment with the setups… although I feel like I’m wasting everybody’s time and I’m just pushing buttons senselessly like a lab chimpanzee… I mean, the others tell me too if I don’t manage to do what they are asking me for but I also receive positive feedback from them when I’m accidentally doing something right. But Stone… he basically disagrees only for the sake of tension and he changes his mind in every two seconds… so even if I sometimes start feeling useful, he ruins this feeling with one single word or a smug face…” she goes on talking faster and faster, putting accent on every mentioning of Stone by beating her bottle against the table.

“I don’t want to desperate you but you’d better begin to prepare for new challenges… it’s already April, the season of outdoor gigs has just started… which means you can forget everything you’ve already learned because those are completely different than shows in smaller smoky clubs…” And they give Stone infinite number of variations for finding flaws and mistakes in her work but I keep this information for myself, seeing she’s stressed out enough even without that.

“Great. You really know how to soothe people, you know?” she remarks with a bitter half-smile. “And here we are…”

“What?” I ask and follow the direction of her look as she nods towards the guys who are now surrounded by a few girls, probably local bar beauties. “Oh, it’s nothing serious… it happens from time to time and I’m sure it’ll too more and more often. But they’re not interested in girls who are interested in rock stars.” I shrug.

“ ’Course. Not at all. Guys who are not interested in girls. Sure.”

“I’m serious, I mean, they don’t practice celibacy but neither of them is into hookups with fans.”

“That’s what I’ve heard too. And they do seem to be honest guys but who believes in fairy tales?” As we keep observing them, we witness the ladies settling down at their table and engaging into a lively conversation with them. “You see?” she comments on the scene but despite the victorious confirmation she’s right, I discover hints of other feelings on her face too… maybe… envy?

“Okay, you’re a little right. Dave is a huge flirt. He loves being surrounded by girls, complimenting them, chatting them up and apart from a few exceptions, that’s all.” I admit trying to direct the conversation to neutral fields since I suddenly realize what triggers her reaction. I’m a moron for catching on so slowly but better later than never… She obviously feels neglected by Jeff. They’ve just begun to hang out together, they’ve already had a sort-of-a-date… and now she thinks he’s lost interest in her. “But Jeff is a very loyal type, he’s like a brick wall with bimbos…” I put him on pedestal but she doesn’t seem convinced.

“Jesus, those typical, trivial girly tricks, I can’t believe he buys them.” she goes on as if she hadn’t even heard me.

“I… I wouldn’t think anyone of them is his type, I mean of course I didn’t know all of his exes but…” I babble effortlessly and my words finally reach her brain.

“What? Exes? Whose exes?” she tilts her head furrowing her eyebrows uncomprehendingly. Okay, that’s definitely not what I expected.

“Jeff’s..?” I ask back with the same helpless expression.

“Who the hell cares about Jeff?” she startles impatiently. What. The. Fuck. “I mean of course I care. About Jeff. And when I say “care” I mean “care”, like, we all care about him, right? We care about him since he’s our friend. We’re happy when he’s happy and we comfort him when he’s sad because he’s like our…”

“…brother?” I help her out since her version about the concept of care sounds more and more like the kindergarten edition of Oxford Dictionary.

“Uhmmm…” she hesitates and I’m sure she’s fast-backwarding all their interactions in her head, sorting out the potentially incestuous ones. “He’s a guy who doesn’t owe me anything.” she defines finally the situation.

Thanks, Judy, I feel a lot smarter now.

“Seriously, groping a guy’s hand??? Couldn’t she be cheaper?” she exclaims flailing outraged. As I follow her gaze, I spot a black-haired demon sitting next to Stone who’s playing with his fingers fliratiously.

“Stone??? Were you talking about him the whole time?”

“Of course, about whom else?” She rolls her eyes as if she was just explaining that one plus one is two.

“But you hate him…”

“Yup. I do.”

“Then why does it bother you?” I glance at the hand porn scene.

“It bothers me because he’s the only one of them who’s got a girlfriend and look how he’s behaving…”

“How is he behaving?”

“Are you blind, man? She’s flirting with him and he doesn’t stop her while that poor girl is waiting for him somewhere in Seattle…”

“Look, “poor girl” is the last thing I would say thinking about Amber… Anyway, you don’t even know him properly. He doesn’t encourage girls in whom he’s not interested but the fact he doesn’t take them seriously doesn’t mean he has to be rude with them either.” I defend my friend involuntarily.

“I get it, the only girl with whom he has to be rude is me.”

“What the hell does that have to do with you? And think what you want but I’m sure he’s not cheating on Amber, that girl in Utrecht was only a misunderstanding…”

Oh, fuck, I should have kept my mouth shut.

“THAT GIRL IN UTRECHT? I KNEW HE’S A WHORE!”

She’s probably trying to sound like an enraged lion but she rather reminds me of a furious kitten.

“It was just a stage diver girl… she climbed up on the stage, complimented his guitar play and asked him for a kiss… and since he only kissed her on the cheek, she stole a peck from his lips and then jumped back in the crowd, that’s all!”

Jesus, there’s no chance I get away with this.

“A peck on the lips, an orgy, what’s the difference?” she spits the words disgusted.

“He claimed she had been sweaty and smelled like cheap red wine, he shotgunned three cans of beer until he felt human again, I saw it with my own two eyes!” I lose my temper too and force her with my index and middle finger to keep eye contact with me. By this time we’re basically yelling with each other since the music got louder in the meantime and we have to outshout an evergreen disco hit of Donna Summer.

“Then be ready to spill bleach in those two eyes!” she points towards the guys and I can hardly believe what I see.

The three girls are already dancing in the middle of the bar and… Jeff, Stone and Dave… are joining them?

“Actually, Jeff is a better dancer than I thought, I would have assumed he moves like a bear… but he’s not bad at all…” Judy giggles surprised at our bassist who picked up the rhythm successfully by mixing basic disco dance steps with the moves of belly dancers. Meanwhile, Dave is swaying his hips back and forth keeping his two hands on the nape like a parody of male strippers. The girls appreciate them fooling around, apart from the black-haired one who’s too busy with activating Stone.

“But Stone… he seems to have left his dance shoes at home.” she acknowledges shaking her head with a half-smile. She’s basically reading my mind; he’s the only static feature of the scene, bobbing his head and tapping the beat with his foot, digging both hands in his pocket.

“Well, yeah… he doesn’t feel comfortable without his guitar. I remember them playing a gig in Stockholm when something went wrong with his Les Paul. He couldn’t fix it but his other guitar wasn’t tuned back… and it happened during the last song so it wouldn’t have made much sense to do it, I could have made it only by the end of it… So he put down the guitar but didn’t really know what to do, like you just don’t start to dance to Leash but standing on the stage like statue while the others are playing out of their minds looks also lame… So he tried to move to the music but to be honest, I thought he was getting an epilepsy attack…”

“Hahaha! Truly, he doesn’t seem to be familiar we the concept of dance at all…” she giggles staring at him, while he’s still standing at the same spot as if he was pinned to the ground. Only his bobbing gets more intense as the black-haired girl begins to dance him around with seductive hip circles.

“Maybe we should hang a guitar on his shoulders to make him bounce on one leg at least, as he does it at the gigs… WHOA! This so disgusting and vulgar! Look, how much he enjoys it!”

“How much?” I roar back since apart from the repeating hair flips and the constant smirk, the girl doesn’t receive much feedback from our Stoney. But for some unknown reason, Judy seems to be watching a different movie than me.

“He’s basically drooling…”

“Why? Because he’s smiling? Come on…”

In the meantime he’s forced to make a few almost dance moves in order to keep his balance since his partner decided to stimulate him by rubbing her back to his… which drives Judy completely out of control.

“GET A ROOM!” she jumps to her feet kicking her chair back. “I have to pee.” she announces with a sudden and suspicious nonchalance to compensate her outburst. But after making a few steps towards the restrooms, she turns back as if she realized she forgot to mention something. “To be exact, I also consider puking.” she adds sending a last icy look towards the target of her anger before she leaves with indignant gasps.

***

I still hate public toilets, especially those of bars. The compartments are narrow and dirty, and the bolt is mostly just a decoration without any useful purpose. Just like here. I have to hold onto the door handle, balance over the toilet bowl and try not to bang my head against the door at the same time; of course the seat is missing, not that I’d ever sit on it at a place like this one. At least I can tell I’ve done something for my abs today… Everything resonates to the pulsing rhythm of Hot Stuff; the song that have always landed on the record player whenever Effie or I or both of us have wanted to dance some shit out of ourselves… until now. It’s like it’s got stolen from me, it’s my song, it’s our song, and now they’ve desecrated it. I can’t imagine I could ever dance to it again without seeing that pathetic mating ritual in front of myself. At least the usual obscene drawings and messages on the wall distract me from playing that scene over and over again in my head. I’ve always enjoyed examining the scribbles in restrooms…. The only thing I can’t figure out is the huge amount of phone numbers, what’s the point in writing them on the toilet wall? Has anyone ever called a phone number found here? And if the answer is yes, what might the caller have said? “Hey, I saw your number at the loo while I was pooping and I immediately liked it so would you go out with me?”

Shit, that distasteful squeezing… I haven’t put much past him, anyway but somehow I thought he’s a more thoughtful guy, I mean, he’s a fuckin’ idiot but him being only a stupid fuckboy kind of surprised me. Whatever, it’s not my business. His girlfriend will be certainly happy for the “little gift” he will bring home for her, if he goes on like this…

I’m already with one leg out of the compartment when I hear the door of the room opening and the loud giggle of female voices makes me startle and pull back to cover.

“Oh my God, I still can’t believe we encountered them right here, right now!” a high-pitched voice peeps. It reminds me of the sound of a rubber chicken.

“Yes, I thought they stayed at fancy hotels and went to party to exclusive bars… and yet, they show up in our boring little town… and they are so nice guys!” someone else joins the gushing.

“Oh my God, Dave is so funny!” Rubber Chicken chirps.

Great. I’ve got trapped by the cheerleader group.

“Yes, he is… but I like Jeff the most… he’s got a good sense of humor too but he seems to be a serious guy at the same time… did you hear him mentioning he’s a painter too? Artists are very sensitive people… and Jeff alliterates with Jordan…” the speaking partner of Rubber Chicken adds sighing. “And Stone is a very handsome guy too but I don’t understand all of his jokes…”

You don’t even know how lucky you are, my child…

“That’s not a huge problem, since you won’t talk much with him, he’s mine.” a deeper, confident voice puts an end to the distribution of testosterone. She must be the Alpha Female who wrapped herself around Stone. Jesus, I don’t want to listen to them raping the guys verbally… I take a deep breath and walk out to the sinks… or I’d walk there if they weren’t blocked by the Three Graces who are very busy with fixing their makeup.

“Ahem… sorry…” I clear my throat because my silhouette showing up behind them in the mirror doesn’t really bother them in the process.

“Oh, I’m ready, come…” the admirer of Jeff turns back and sends a smile at me. She seems to be a kind girl, anyway. Alpha Female is still rubbing her eyelids, trying to remove the dark spots of superfluous mascara, while Rubber Chicken is following the procedure with undisguised wonder.

I squint in the mirror as I clean my hands under the running water. Alpha Female is tall, like, very tall, I look like a garden gnome next to her. Her skin is pale, even paler than mine but she’s not afraid to wear dark, smoky eye shadow and fiery lipstick. How do these girls do it? Every time I try to do something with my face, I feel and look like a five-year-old little girl who stole the content from her mom’s drawer. Even the tiniest change seems to be conspicuous and makes me want to tear my skin off… but she looks just gorgeous. It’s not fair.

“Oh my God, Claudia, that rouge looks so beautiful on you!” Rubber Chicken purrs.

So her name is Claudia. Why does that make me think of chlamydia?

“It’s beautiful and very functional.” Alpha winks as she pulls out the item in question of her purse to thicken her juicy-looking lips. “Water- and kissproof.”

Yeah, beautiful. Lipstick on a pig.

“Whadh?” Alpha freezes with slightly opened mouth.

Shit, did I say it out loud?

“Noothing… I just… sneezed…”

“Aha… hey… I shaw you adh dhe dhable widh dhadh dhudhe…”

“Really?” I ask back to win some time to decode the message behind her sloppy articulation.

“Yeah… Jeff said you’re with them too.” Alpha talks on to her own reflection before pressing her lips together for the sake of even texture. “Are you someone’s sister?”

Our eyes meet it the mirror.

“Oh yeah, I am, just like the massive majority of the female population of Earth.” I mumble as I tear a piece of paper towel.

“I mean, the sister of someone in the band or the crew, smarty-pants.” she rolls her eyes.

Oh. So we’re having a chitchat. As always, I start feeling uncomfortably of watching myself too long in the mirror so I begin to check my hair, even if it makes absolutely no sense since I braided it as tight as possible in the morning, my braids could survive even the shock wave of a nuclear explosion.

“I’m in the crew. As a member.”

Okay, I’m only the second cousin of a crew member but I doubt she would understand that degree of family relationships.

“Then you must know Stone very well.”

I know him better than I wanted to…

“Uh… yes, I kinda know him.”

“Ish he shingle?” Alpha inquires still finding tiny flaws in the artwork she’s creating.

“No, he’s got a girlfriend.” I answer quickly. “It’s a serious thing… I mean, as far as I know.”

Okay, I don’t know shit about his love life but he’s been touring for months and they are still together so it can’t be just a fling, I didn’t lie.

“Is she here too?” she turns suddenly towards me, drawing a circle with her index finger in the air.

“Oh no… no… she’s ahem, in Seattle.”

“Hahaha, then he’s single.”

Okay, I can’t really argue with this attitude properly.

“And what is he like? What type of girls he digs?” my interrogation goes on.

Should I say deaf-and-dumbs?

“Uhm… he’s an aloof weirdo so honestly, I have no idea.”

He’s the most distant member of the band and sometimes he does have an alien-like manner, so this time I didn’t lie either…

“You mean he’s shy?”

Jesus, if that’s the equivalent of “aloof weirdo” in your poor dictionary then yes, he’s shy, whatever…

“Sort of…”

“We can fix that, shyness is no problem to me… Yes, the lanky one is mine.” she smacks satisfied at her mirror image, examining the result with a content smirk.

“Do you have further questions or may I…?” I point with my thumb towards the door.

“I know everything what I need. Thanks, Peanut!”

Peanut? PEANUT??? My head is pounding as I escape back to the bar. It takes me long seconds to spot that Scully relocated to the table of the band members, he’s the only one there right now, though, since the others are standing at the counter to provide the supplies.

“Hey, what’s that?” I ask pointing at the shot glass in front of him as I plop down.

“It’s tequila but it’s mi…ne.” he waves resigned since I grab and guzzle it in the blink of an eye.

“Sorry, I needed it.” I shiver and frown. I’ve realized again that I hate tequila but it seemed like a good idea. “I met them in the restroom.”

“Whom?”

“The Slut Squad. They’re about to hunt the guys down.”

“So what? I think you’re overreacting, anyway, they are big boys and already know how to take care of themselves…”

I doubt it… The trio joins the guys and now they don’t even try to hide the official result of the sharing. Rubber Chicken and Jordan at least show some self-restraint but Claudia shifts to next gear, or maybe she even skips a few one since she laughs hysterically at every comment of Stone and tries to mesmerize him by staring at him with an irresistible smile And obviously, she uses every imaginable excuse to touch him. The guys offer their drinks gallantly to their temptresses who are now heading to us with awkward snickering. Of course Claude didn’t forget to stroke Stone’s upper arm to express her gratitude for the beer…

“Shit, they are coming… act naturally!” I nudge Scully.

“I act naturally, it’s you who’s turned into a rabid squirrel…” he grunts back.

“Shh… HI GIRLS!” I greet them hoping my voice doesn’t sound too fake and try to ignore that I can see Scully burying his face into his palms from the corner of my eye.

“Hi Peanut… and…?”

“Scully. Guitar tech.” he waves still keeping the facepalm with one hand.

“Oh my God, I love guitars!” Rubber Chicken exclaims.

“I used to love them too. But if you tune them so many times in a day that you start dreaming about them, taste changes fast, trust me. Nowadays I’m rather into trumpets.” he adds with a serious face.

“Oh… really?”

Poor Rubber Chicken, she’s obviously too slow to follow the usual pace of our conversations.

“Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers plays the trumpet too…” Jordan remarks.

“You’re right, have you heard their latest album? It’s…” I greedily seize the first reasonable topic they throw in but Claudia insists on discussing her project.

“He seems to have taken the bait. Dear God, he’s so sexy, I can’t handle…” she moans.

“And he’s got a first-class butt…” Scully sighs dreamily, which makes me bite my lips to suppress the laughter developing in my chest.

“Don’t torture me… do you think he likes me?”

Yes, I was thinking the same about the quitting of torture, you’re monomania is pure torment to us. But how can she ignore the fact so shamelessly that he’s not independent? Not available, forbidden fruit, taboo…

“As I said he’s got a…” I’m about to remind her of the relationship status of her victim but I realize it wouldn’t make any sense. I fell into the trap of thinking her mindset is similar to mine… motivation! That’s the key, in crime series, police officers always catch the murderer only after finding out about their motivations… And her motivation is… sex, of course. “…a charm. He’s so sweet, right? A real cutie pie!” I groan with the most plastic smile I can put on. Scully freezes for a second, and then almost chokes on his beer, probably thinking I’m losing my mind, but I’ve never been saner.

“Sorry, it’s just my reflux.” he hits himself in the chest with his fist.

“Look at his smile! And his laughter…”

“Yeah, his laughter, exactly…” that is as pleasant to hear as a chalkboard scratching “It’s such a pity for him…”

“How do you mean?” she jumps immediately on my remark.

I take a deep breath. If I go on, there’ll be no way back… and I should think about the consequences… But seriously, Judith Emilia Camden, just think back how he’s treated you since you met! You’re not his doormat. He deserves it, he’d deserve even much more. As I glance at him only to see his smug grin, I already know there’s no point in hesitating, I know what to do.

“I mean such a nice guy… but with his preferences, it’s so difficult for him to find the right girl…” I pretend concern.

“His preferences? What preferences?”

Maybe it’s the anger, maybe it’s the tequila but as I go on, my tongue gets totally out of control…