#and i can't stop thinking that maybe i chose the wrong career

[da-proti-toku-grem]

.

[persephoneunderground]

I watched Quiet On Set in one sitting and now I want to destroy something. Thoughts after the cut.

This isn't a hot take or anything, but I had to get some of the screaming out:

Nickelodeon, as a network, should no longer fucking exist. Full stop. It's a house of horrors built on the backs of abused kids and it should be razed from existence.

I just...can't. The one thing that stuck out to me in each episode was how fucking culpable these adults were for what happened to the kids. Like, nearly all of them hold some level of responsibility, whether they want to acknowledge it or not. There was so much repetition of "I knew it was wrong/I felt uncomfortable/I didn't think this was a good idea but I didn't want to say something and run the risk of me/my child ever working in the industry again." Like...hello? YOU SAW THE PREDATORY BEHAVIOR AND CHOSE A FUCKING CAREER OVER ADVOCACY. You had the ability to be the voice a child lacked, and you chose the (potential) money and fame. The kids couldn't do anything, but every adult involved could have, and they chose to do nothing out of "fear." And not fear for their lives, fear for their safety, fear for their well-being...just fear that the roles would dry up, or the position would be eliminated, and the money would be gone. It's fucking vile.

There's so much about this documentary that made my heart ache. It was a hard, uncomfortable, infuriating watch. But as upsetting as it is, I sincerely hope that the coverage this docuseries has gotten leads to further deep dives into the entertainment industry on the whole and the conditions of child entertainers in particular. Maybe the scrutiny will be enough to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.

Now...I'm going to try to shower some of the ick off.

[the-hushed-one]

'Joe left Taylor' what? Oh please. We all know Taylor was the one to initiate the break up. She left him.

She was the one who was always daring him to leave her

"And you can't talk to me when I'm like this Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you" ~False God

And despite this, he did not leave her. Like the media and everyone just tried constantly to invade in their lives and we're still doing it. Now that i realize it, we made their relationship so hard than it already could've been.

Obviously no one would like it if they'd be recognized because of the hardwork of their s/o instead of their own.

Like one day, my friend was stalking my twitter account in front of me and saw that I was following Joe. She said that, 'he is just famous because he's dating Taylor " And that point hit me. Because I know Joe is aware that majority of the people see him as Taylor's boyfriend and why won't this fact bother him.

She herself said that he kept telling her that he loves her. This lyric clearly tells that he kept saying that he loved her and she thought that he he loved her, how can he not see that she is dying.

"How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?" ~you're losing me

Just because Joe didn't dive deep into her emotions doesn't mean he was wrong.

People need to stop saying that he left her. So what if he did not want to marry her? It isn't a really great thing but when a woman chooses a career then people are appreciating her. But when a man does the same these days, why isn't that ever considered as a good thing?

I'm sure if it was someone other than Taylor, Joe still would've denied for marriage. Because maybe he just wants his career to be better before marriage and kids and stuff. and there is nothing wrong with it.

I think swifties just aren't able to digest the fact that this one time, Taylor's ex wasn't at fault. If Taylor wanted, she could've initiated another argument and talked about all of this with him. But she chose to be silent. Both of them are at fault here ig.

[odysseywritings]

The Better Sister

@flashfictionfridayofficial

My older sister came over for the first time since Dad's funeral. We talked about important things over the phone but we stopped being close by the time she moved to the city with a lucrative career lined up for her. It was strange seeing her outside of a holiday, and when I asked her why she visited, she said it was something to do while her boyfriend visited his own family. She helped me pick up branches scattered in the yard after a nasty storm.

"So," Cheryl said in between the cleaning, "have you kept up with painting?"

"A bit," I replied with little energy. "Not many people here really want what I make. And it's hard to get anyone on the Internet unless I'm a great marketer."

She nodded and added, "You know, Dana, if you're looking for extra money, you could go into programming like me."

"I tried, but it's too complicated, even with beginner courses. I just wish there was more stuff here where I could... I don't know, feel successful and happy."

"Honestly, that probably won't happen if you stay here. If you want my opinion, Dana, you should put more faith in yourself. Otherwise, you'll be stuck here feeling miserable."

I don't know why I was so mad at her for that. It wasn't wrong, but how she said it, like it was so obvious. Maybe things were just easier when she was the smarter and prettier one and didn't get why I might've struggled more. I just wish she helped me more before she left. I grit my teeth and put on my best face.

"Maybe. I do try, though. I recently got a raise at my job despite the headache it's giving me, haha."

"That's good to show some ambition. Glad to see you coming out of your shell. Looks like we're done anyway so let's get back inside."

"Okay, but it's not looking good. Mom got worse with the hoarding after Dad passed away."

"God. Is she home now?"

"No, out shopping. Kinda glad because we can just relax."

We walked on a clear path surrounded by mountains of CDs, books, movies, tools, food cans, magazines, newspapers, and other items that merged into towering mounds of junk. I cleared up some room on the couch as we channel surfed. Mom's cat Robert Scritchum jumped up to greet Cheryl with needy affection as she made voices and messed with his fur. I'd feel more like that if we got him while the house and our mental states were in better condition.

We ended up watching a bad b-movie about an alien failing to kill a bird with a laser gun to keep things breezy. The mindless movie just made me overthink about the future. Would things be alright if I moved out and left Mom alone? Should I stay and try to tough out my issues?

I just wasn't cut out for this dilemma with my mental and physical issues. Every view into the window hurt my heart no matter what I chose. Cheryl would've handled this better. She was always the smarter one. The flow of overwhelming thoughts burrowed into my brain with an absentminded "It should've been you who stayed."

I looked back at the TV and then at Cheryl. She heard me say that aloud.

"You want me to stay here?"

My face burned and my gut sank. That wasn't supposed to spill out and now she'd think I was guilt tripping her.

"I didn't mean it, it just came out!"

Cheryl's face was hard to read and fixed on me. Her shoulders relaxed and put her hand on mine to calm my nerves. My heart rate slowed and I could breathe and think easier.

"I just had a bunch of thoughts and one of them accidentally came out. It's like... You were the responsible, rational sister. Thinking about the future of the house and Mom and your career. You would've handled that way better than me. I'm trying, it's just..."

Tears rolled without realizing it, and her hand held mine tighter, and she looked at me with gentle eyes.

"Hey, Dana, look. I appreciate what you're saying, but it's not that simple. I just can't come back to this life. Not with how I've been living now. And you shouldn't have to burden yourself with this. I don't know the right answer for you, but you've got a lot of resilience to put up with a lot of this and still be you. No matter what, Mom and I will support whatever you choose. Just please don't stress too much about it."

I sniffled and leaned over to hug her, trying to not get my runny nose on her shirt. I don't know how much of that solved anything but it was nice to just say it and to hear her without judgement. Whatever tension there was went away as we continued watching the cheesy movie and could laugh more freely. For the first time in years, we felt like sisters again.

[welcome-to-oslov]

You may have answered this before, but curious to learn more about Oslov people's views of the kettle boy profession ("profession"?). Do they see it as a regular job that people could go on to have a normal life after with no stigma? Are kettle boys allowed to give consent/say no, or do they sign that away for the duration of their contract? Are Labourer/Drudges' views different from Upstarts i.e. would lower classes see it as just a job choice (though kinda seedy, maybe how we'd view Only Fans models) while upper classes/raised folks would be more inclined not to respect kettle boys' freedom/autonomy in the same way our society views prostitutes or strippers (like how some guys in our society think of them as "dirty" things who are there to be used)? Bror seems to come from a nice background & envisions himself as eventually having a normal family life later, free to leave this job for a new career at any time. Ansha seems like he may have chosen this job from a more troubled background but still views it as a job he freely chose (I think?) & would be free to leave. Lus is over there a drugged up addict, like our society imagines prostitutes. Artur & Gersha imply that there's an established kettle-boy-to-govt-admin-job pipeline that's somewhat normal. And then we've got Tilrey: whom many many people (from drivers to councillors to fellow kettle boys to randos along the way) know directly or must suspect is not free to leave, free to stop, or freely consenting to his work. So, more questions! Does everyone in general realize Tilrey is a captive, not really a kettle boy? Is it normal for a kettle boy to be owned by/shared among multiple men, or does that set Tilrey off as an unusual situation? Does every councillor know (and love) that they're actually raping Tilrey, or are some genuinely just so not caring about workers/servants at all so it doesn't even occur to them? (Obvi lMalsha's son-in-law, Bersha, Gourmarin, Verán, and most spring fling attendees would be among those who can't deny they know the truth that they've taken a Thurskein boy captive for Upstart use.) It seems clear that Bror at least realizes all is not as it seems with Tilrey, and I imagine he understands it'd be impossible to actually save him since it's the literal people in charge of the country who are holding him hostage... though he does confront Gersha, but he never stormed into Island Party offices to tell them off after the spring fling, an event Bror seemed to clearly call out as wrong? Or confronted Gourmarin after hearing of his "apology"? Anyway, just curious to learn more about what a "normal" kettle boy life is and given that, the extent to which Tilrey-as-kettle-boy catches attention as a not-normal situation (and does it make anyone upset besides Bror and eventually Gersha?).

That’s a great question! I should probably try to clarify the kettle boy role better in the text itself, but let me try here first.

So, kettle boys are holdovers from Feudalism. There’s no official place for them in Whybergian society, though there is institutionalized sex work (the Sanctioned Brothel). Officially they’re classified as “personal secretaries,” and sex isn’t part of their duties. But everyone just accepts that they’re there to provide sex and/or companionship and (usually) to be traded back and forth between Councillors as part of political favor trading.

So, because this kind of sex work doesn’t officially exist and isn’t regulated, it can encompass all kinds of possibilities in the patronage system that actually rules Oslov. For Bror and Ansha, like you say, it’s a choice—a route to a better posting down the line. Bror has strong family connections in Redda, so he’s in a good position to dictate his own terms. (For instance, I think I mentioned he has a relative who works at the Restaurant; Upstarts might not want to upset the person who makes their food.) Ansha isn’t in as strong a position, but he’s willing to put up with some not-great treatment.

But because Tilrey is from Thurskein and comes in with a charge of subversion against him, Upstarts can abuse their power over him without consequences. If you’ve ever read a book about a brothel in 18th- or 19th-century Europe, he’s basically like an innocent girl who came from the provinces and was tricked/forced into it, as opposed to courtesans who have a measure of power.

There’s also some major gaslighting going on in this system. Whenever Tilrey complains, he’s told that he should be grateful for the opportunity to live in Redda, regardless of the price. No one can imagine why he would want to go back to Thurskein, because most of them have no first-hand knowledge of it. They just assume his life was pure degrading toil, when in fact he was at the top of Thurskein’s social structure.

So why doesn’t Bror do something about Tilrey being raped? I would liken this to Mad Men-era America—there was no point in reporting rape unless you were the “right” kind of victim. He could certainly make a report—the way Adelbert encourages Tilrey to do—but the case wouldn’t go anywhere because the alleged perpetrators are at the top of the social hierarchy. They set the terms.

Now I think about it, Bror might be Joan from Mad Men. :) He knows the system is messed up, but he works within it (for now, anyway) and just does what it allows him to do—use his smarts and charm to influence Upstarts when he can. He’s well meaning but somewhat complicit, like almost everyone in the story.

[practicalmagicintuitions]

“Umm noo.... they only want not to be sexualized, harassed or touched on the streets by strangers. Interestingly based on your example above I thought you would understand this”

I do. Trust me. I always agree with your points on this topic and it’s one my favorite things about your blog. I believe there are more woman abusers than are acknowledged and have felt many women have taken advantage of me too to become worse abusers and try and get away with it. I think it’s completely inappropriate for woman to even possessively put both arms all around a celebrity in photos or their hand on their chest because I find it too personal and there are woman who justify it with the same points I brought up.

But my comment was about how I interpreted the article as not acknowledging it as a problem across the board. And I don’t agree that we’ve had as much disdain for the behavior on our behalf throughout history. I personally felt the me too movement was initiated as more of a political move than to come to our aid and get the message out about treating us with respect and not as objects. Perhaps I chose some wrong words but I think we agree on the topic but I saw the article different and thought it may have been what set off the others as well. Each person can be triggered differently based on their experiences. All the more reason I agree that everyone should speak up and conversations should be had on these topics openly with all sexes. It would be very healing for everyone.

"I always agree with your points on this topic and it’s one my favorite things about your blog." Thank you! :))

"I believe there are more woman abusers than are acknowledged and have felt many women have taken advantage of me too to become worse abusers and try and get away with it. I think it’s completely inappropriate for woman to even possessively put both arms all around a celebrity in photos or their hand on their chest because I find it too personal and there are woman who justify it with the same points I brought up."

Agree with this, especially because the harm women can cause is downplayed because of strength. Men in fact way stronger, that's why they easily beat women in sports. Maybe a woman can't beat to death a grown man but they can use a weapon and they can hit and beat them regardless. What I am saying is not that we should forget abused women, I just simply don't think it appropriate to harass men (famous or not) and it's not inappropriate for them to say "please stop, I hate it". And I don't think it's a bad think that magazines are picking in the subject. Especially because there are men like Corey Feldman or Brendan Fraiser who were molested by men in the industry. That's why for me it's not women vs men but victims vs abusers.

"But my comment was about how I interpreted the article as not acknowledging it as a problem across the board."

Okay, I get that now!

"I personally felt the me too movement was initiated as more of a political move"

It's interesting because at that time I felt someone simply declared a hunting season on Weinstein. He deserved it 100%, I want to be very clear about this, but I thought he was too powerful and too big and some people had enough. So they cleared him out. I mean he is definitely not the only producer who did those things. So why him? Why only him? And why after 3-4 decades of abuse? I simply don't believe that was the first time women reached out to a journalist to spill the bean about him. I think they tried before to tell the world but he was too protected. Then something happened and he wasn't protected anymore. Also obviously many people jumped on the bandwagon and the whole movement has become something else. This unfortunately always happens.

And the Weinstein case was also very layered because like it or not ( and this is rarely talked about) some women attached to him weren't forced to do things. They just did it for their career. This doesn't lessen his crimes by any means but Hollywood always will be the magnet of people like Weinstein and will always offer fame seekers to them.

"Perhaps I chose some wrong words"

Don't worry, probably I did too. :)

"All the more reason I agree that everyone should speak up and conversations should be had on these topics openly with all sexes. It would be very healing for everyone."

This matters the most, that people regardless of their gender can speak about abuse and injustice.

Thank you for your messages, I really enjoy the conversation :)

[sadpretty-blog-blog]

i love you and i always will love you but do i love YOU anymore? do i still love the person that you are or do i just feel love for you? do i even like the person you are? do i like the things you like do i feel that i can live up to your expectations of me do i feel like i can give you what you want do i think you deserve the things you want do i think you can give me the things i want in the future do we want the same things in the future? i always said i wanted to be in each other's lives forever i never imagined my future without you in it and if i did imagine that it was out of fear, not curiosity or desire.

do i love the way you make me feel? i don't know. you make me feel bad a lot of the time. i don't even think i'm angry at you at all i don't even know if i care i just don't feel anything. and i don't feel this way about anything else in my life right now i'm not unsure about any of my friendships or about myself or how i spend my time or my career or literally anything besides our relationship. i used to be so sure i wanted to marry you but something in me lately a very small part of me lately keeps making me second guess. there have been a few times in the past few months i almost thought we should break up. but then you say something nice or i get upset and scared because i don't want to accept it.

i don't like the way you think. i think you think you deserve whatever you want from me, no excuses. i don't think you'd ever flat out say it to me but i can tell by the way you react when i tell you no. sometimes when i tell you no you tell me you're not mad or you don't care or it's not a big deal but i have to wonder whether you're trying to convince me or yourself. today i told you i was too tired to suck your dick and you told me not to come over tonight. you made me so upset but i somehow was not 1000% surprised. i was expecting you to say you were kidding but that never happened. you made me so upset i don't think you even fully comprehend why that was wrong of you and that makes me so fucking angry you're an adult and what you said made me feel so disrespected. and yes you apologized you know you shouldn't have said that but why the fuck would you say that? i know why you said it though i know you care more about getting off than i ever have or will in my life and i know you think i owe it to you because you're a good boyfriend to me. you made sure to remind me that you painted my apartment for me and that you bought me groceries and that you did me suuuuch a huge favor by not asking me for head after inviting yourself to my apartment after i worked a 10 hour shift.

i don't like talking on the phone after work anymore but i know i can't say that or you'll get upset and make me feel guilty for it and not take no for an answer and try to change my mind. and my mind will not change but i will pretend it did to get you to stop talking. i don't think you understand at all how emotionally and physically draining my job is. i don't think you understand the strain it takes on my body. i'm not asking for a pity party, i chose to do what i do and i knew what i was getting myself into. i don't want you to feel bad for me. i want you to understand that after work i do not want to come to your house and bend over for you or suck your dick i want to lay down and close my eyes and not move. and i do not fucking want or need deep emotional conversations or conversations about nothing or to hear you complain about your friends who you don't even like at 12:45 am on a thursday night. i spend the whole day being someone else's bitch and taking care of strangers and putting on an emotional show some days. so when i get home from 10 hours of that i don't exactly feel like chit chatting about what you ate for dinner or just sit there not speaking when i have things i want to do for myself.

maybe i am being selfish maybe i am just really tired of feeling like i am walking on eggshells with your feelings and need to appease you no matter how badly i don't want to because i don't want to deal with you throwing a tantrum or turning over in bed and not talking to me for hours. i think you're not as half as emotionally mature as you think you are. i don't think you realize how egotistical you are. you are so egotistical. you feel that everyone owes you something just because you think you deserve it. i don't think you're very patient. i don't think you're open minded or understanding. you always interrupt me. that shows me you don't care about anyone's thoughts but your own. i think when your mind is set no one can change it and you literally cannot comprehend the idea that other people's opinions may be correct if they are not the same as yours. "i don't feel that way how can it be true if i don't feel that way?" anorexics don't feel that they're skinny, is it not true that they are skinny?

[onlytheemrys]

I found recently that the new religion requires I pay penance for a sin I did not commit. Well maybe not found, just finally understood and came to terms with.

According to its pillars, I was condemned from the very beginning of me; before I was formed even or conceived of a thought.

The old religion requires steep sacrifices and has no regard for man otherwise, but I think it's somewhat better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm for neither.

However, isn't it much more cruel to dangle compassion and mercy and offer the concept of belonging as a hoax? At least the old religion would not deceive you into thinking you can be of any importance. If you end up thinking that way, that's entirely your fault and it doesn't mind because then you're gullible and you can be used. The old religion does not offer kinship and when it does, you'd be a fool to take it.

The new religion is not that kind. It calls you friend, daughter, son, child. Asks you to come sit with it and won't you drink? And eat? Dance to holy tunes and make raucous laughter? But oh, you're a sinner by the way, because someone you never knew and would never know happened to partake of hope given by the wrong party - created on the assent of the finding stones of the new religion - who saw a part of the end and revolted and it became for him eternal damnation. And did you know that the finding stones made an enemy of a creature they created just because he chose to be more than what they allocated for him to be and made it the other creatures' problem because like it or not, it's an absolute must that the creatures play according to the script the finding stones had written down and do you really expect them to give you the courtesy of a cursory glance? What if the script changes because a mistake was made? Do you want them to admit to it? Oh sorry, not a mistake, it's all part of the grand plan. Obviously.

(I use finding stones as a play on "seek and you shall find")

The new religion seems to not have a firm grip on its fabrications; at least the old religion did not bother to even attempt to grasp.

And were you not aware the finding stones are holy! Don't touch! Don't even attempt to see! They can't make themselves any simpler! Stop! Instead, they'll make unnecessary sacrifices. Instead they will gaslight themselves into thinking upgrading the products they made would not do the job effectively.They need you to be indebted. So maybe one of them would give up immortality. But not really but also really truly. One of them would become mortal and die because OBVIOUSLY. "Sacrifices and offerings thou wouldest not" "Of burnt offerings and sin offerings thou did not require" - but I'd give my son, but not really. And I'll give you life and ask for it back after you'd made something of it - A fair trade to the finding stones.

The new religion has a pain kink. It has a thing for destroying. Like a little child who pain-stakingly arranges the Lego pieces so they could form an airplane and then, wouldn't it be beautiful to just tear it apart and then giddily it does, just for it to be sad after and to cry. Make a mountain out of a molehill.

The new religion is very dramatic. It talks of new worlds and how the one the finding stones made has been destroyed and instead of fixing it, they decided to make another one. How they were discontent in their state of eternity (but again, not really) so they decided out of the large love they possessed to create a world where they knew the entire play by play just so they could carry out a career in ventriloquism within the pretense of free will.

I once said "Honestly, destiny, magic, balance, are like the gods' cruel way of messing with men; dangling what they most want in front of them and withdrawing it so fast they have whiplash." because like previously stated, the old religion offers no sense or belonging or self fulfilment because it is inherently selfish

But get this: The rules of the new religion include not being selfish, not being jealous, being kind. However, the finding stones are allowed to "I am a jealous God" and smite their creations for worshiping any other thing apart from them. The finding stones have created this elaborate system just so they could have people to worship them just how they want- according to them, they want their creations to be just like them, in every way, so they could see how fulfilling it would be to be worshipped by themselves (but not really) - remember that thing I said about them not having a grasp on their fabrications? Yeah

Oh I forgot, let's dismember 'kind'. The finding stones, after giving their creations life without their consent, and placing them in a habitat where they would have to fight their way through, decides that if they lose, they'd be damned eternally. And if they find happiness along the way they'd be damned eternally. And since they've not sort the consent of the finding stones (consent that will never be given) in changing their identities, they will also be eternally damned.

And the creations have to view that damnation as mercy because the judgements of the finding stones are so high, their creations cannot comprehend it.

At the end of the day. The old religion, the new religion and all that came before and after it should be done away with. Let man live. And if eternal damnation is after, then it is through no fault of mine.

[sherifftillman]

copying ur 2 titles: all your pictures on the floor / this dizzy dreamer

all your pictures on the floor: oh god. i never thought i'd choose to write cheerscoops angst. but that's what that's become

this dizzy dreamer: hmmm. i've been thinking about this one for a while now. and we're getting a chrissy cunningham double feature here bc i wanna talk photocheer!!

send me a fake fic title and i'll tell you what i'd write based on it!

all your pictures on the floor: chrissy's mum and jason's mum had like practically arranged for them to be childhood sweethearts turned eventual spouses and during chrissy's Teenage Rebel phase (at 18) she's like "and why can't i choose who i want to date, huh?! what's to stop me from dating whoever i want anyway behind all of your backs?! isn't that worse?" so laura is like "if you won't agree to a relationship with jason, you're not living under my roof"

so she ends up dating and running away to live with steve. charming, goofy, totally reformed former playboy steve. everything's a dream, at first. she even opts to not go to college so she can just start her domestic life with steve as soon as it starts. but they're both still way too young to be starting a lifestyle like that, and neither of them have had good role models. so even though they do have really good times together, the in between bits are full of little insecurities. any time one of them is home late from work, the other assumes that Something must be happening behind their backs, but they're both so inexperienced in adult relationships that neither of them talk about it. chrissy's fed up of working and being a homemaker but steve never had to lift a finger so he doesn't know how to cook or clean and chrissy doesn't want to have to teach him.

stuff like that builds up until eventually steve cracks and is like "look, you chose to live here, so if you're not happy, you can get out." and maybe this is just before chrissy goes off to work for the day, and when she gets back all her stuff is in boxes outside the harrington house. her family won't accept her back. jason's got a fiancée who he's obsessed with. so she gets a motel room for the night, looks in one of the boxes and sees that steve's given her all of their photo albums, too. so chrissy puts all the photos out across the room, of all the good times that they had, reminiscing of them, wondering where it went wrong, wondering if the "good" times even were that good. and she realises she's faced with the option of either trying to fend for herself with no support network, or going back to steve with her tail between her legs and repeating the cycle of being just like her mother, who she starts to realise was only setting her up w jason bc jason was the safe option she never went for as a kid. and she was hoping not to let history repeat itself. but it did

this dizzy dreamer: au in which chrissy is a popstar, and jonathan works for a music magazine. he takes photos for a piece on chrissy, and they are. stunning. they capture her vibe perfectly, even she loves how she looks in them, and that feature really helps her career kick off. she's about to do her first major all-american tour and she seeks jonathan out to be the photographer for the whole thing. (idk if this is a thing for everyone, but i've been seeing a lot of harry styles' tour on my fyp and he apparently has a photographer called lloyd so that's what i'm basing this off of)

anyway as they're touring, chrissy realises how introverted jonathan is and desperately tries to get him to open up around everyone so that he feels part of the ~tour family~. and ofc he does Not want to do that. but some nights when chrissy can't sleep, jonathan is up, too. except he's sitting on the roof of the tour bus, getting high. he offers to roll chrissy a joint, but she tells him that if she smokes a whole one all by herself it makes her dizzy and throws her off. but she'll stay up with him and talk to him.

he tells her he's up bc he worries about his brother back home. she tells him she has a little brother too. he tells her he knows, they've grown up together and she's never even realised it. that's why he's completely okay with this just being a professional relationship. but chrissy feels bad that she doesn't remember jonathan. but she still finds ways to connect with him through anecdotes like "remember when mike lewenski started that huge food fight in middle school?"

as the tour goes on, she starts getting stressed. people keep writing about her, and being a female in the public eye, a lot of tabloids are judging her, setting expectations for her she doesn't know how to keep. and so to help her calm down between shows, jonathan offers to share a joint with her. she opens up to jonathan on a deeper level about how she's worried that she can't hack it, and that she's gonna have to give up on her dreams. jonathan tells her that it's admirable that she even has one, let alone one that she went for. it makes chrissy sad to hear that jonathan's never had a dream, but he tells her he doesn't mind, he only never thought to have any bc he spent so long taking care of his mum and brother.

chrissy swears that she'll help him come up with a dream to aim for. but, as tour goes on, his work gains notoriety, and he starts genuinely enjoying taking photos of the girl he's falling in love with, he realises he's already living it :)

[mydarksadshadow]

shadow work day 8

date: 20 Dec '22

how much do I think I rely on external validation?

I think if we talk of social media (SM), likes on my posts matter a lot to me still. I don't feel like posting if I think that a post won't get enough likes. but now that Instagram does provide the like-hiding feature, it is so much better, and I will feel free to post shit now without worrying about how many likes it got or not. I recently did post something funny without worrying if people are gonna like it or not (post-wise and otherwise) and it was relaxing that nobody could see my likes. I have never been the type of person to get a lotta likes on my pictures from people I know and it has always sucked for me and sadly still does. So on SM, I shall continue to hide the likes count on my posts till maybe I make fulfilling connections in real life who maybe wanna like my pictures on SM as well. I am aware of how underconfident I sound but that's just the truth.

I do not really care for the approval of people IRL in general (unless I genuinely need feedback from them) but I would prefer to have my loved ones accept, love, and appreciate me for who I am (because I strive to mirror the same), so I don't go around being desperate for approval from unworthy low-life people like I did for the most part of last year (2021) and some of this year as well.

I actually wanna start feeling worthy (of my own self) again before actually caring for others' approval... it is so hard to show up consistently yaar. ekdum fuck up ho jata hai random, silly reasons ke karan. such an idiot I feel like. I just hope I get to get into a routine asap so I start to feel normal again.

do I tend to resist or embrace change?

if it's a type of change that I've been craving then I will embrace it happily along with the obstacles it will bring (big or small). I think I am really good with change; adaptability is perhaps my best quality. I only resist change if it is with/to something that I vehemently detest or do not want. (thinking of my parents as I typed this)

how did my first heartbreak change me?

romantic heartbreak I'm not sure I've had... Love did change me immensely though. what I consider heartbreak in my life is what my parents made me go through with the whole career-forcing situation. the abuse, neglect, and complete disregard for the feelings that I underwent was my biggest heartbreak. unfortunately, I can't say that I have seen any positive changes because of it. it's all negative shit that changed me for the worse; it made me underconfident again (all those years that I spent gaining confidence, all just seem to wash away so quickly), made me lose faith in myself (to trust myself enough to succeed in whatever path I choose, people or career-wise), forced me into lowering standards for people I chose to surround myself with, my confidence to stand up for myself just vanished into nothing, lost all self-belief, and worst of all, I stopped believing that I was hot shit, i.e., special. All cus my parents made me feel like crap for the most stupid reasons that didn't even matter, not then, not now, and they never will matter.

not sure if I will ever forgive them for this. although it doesn't hurt that much anymore. I am done crying over it. I just wanna move on for now. from this, as well as the fuckboy incident that happened last year.

Oh, and one final thing that heartbreak changed about me- losing the ability to cry easily when something wrong happens. I am just so habituated to burying every (little or big) bad thing that happens to me that I just can't seem to get past ANYTHING!! it is so frustrating to cry about stuff that happened ages ago, that I could have stood up for (or solved) right at the moment it happened. or soon after, whatever. I wanna learn to start feeling (and therefore processing) all my feelings again, especially the bad ones. I literally cannot remember the last time that I had a long ass crying session. It is a bit concerning now. I am literally always one inch close to having a mental breakdown at any time during the day (when I have not distracted myself by watching series or YouTube) but then when I actually cry, I can't for longer than a minute. it's so frustrating that it all comes out in a million tiny parts over a prolonged period of time instead of a few big crying sessions which I'd much rather prefer cus crying is relaxing and I haven't actually felt emotionally relaxed in a long time now.

hey, actually I can list one positive thing that came outta this heartbreak- my advanced ability to articulate my feelings in the clearest and most detailed yet concise ways possible. LOL.

[cherrycheridarling]

'someday maybe' | t.h.

tom holland x singer!reader

warnings: one swear? fluff and angst? kisses

summary: you're so close to finishing your second album when your manager pushes the deadline, your ex tom helps you write the final track.

{listen to someday by michael bublè and meghan trainor (if you want)}

wc: 2.1k

"Someday maybe when we're old and grey,"

"Yes, yes. I know. You are not being a very helpful manager right now, Noelle." you spoke to your phone as you paced around the living room, "Okay. I'll get working on it. Bye." you huffed and threw your phone against the couch.

Your album was due to be released in two months and you needed one more song to tie it all together. Your manager, Noelle, was pushing you to finish the song so she could start the promo of the album.

You were incredibly grateful for your career, but the pressure weighed down on you everyday. Never ending.

With a final groan you picked up your acoustic guitar and sat on the couch. Picking at the strings, trying to find a melody. You hit record on your voice memo app before strumming away.

"Someday maybe when we're old and grey, we can be in love once more. 'Till then I won't give my love away. Darling, I'm forever only yours." you sang softly.

You and Tom had a joyous relationship. A love that only ever existed in movies and fairytales. The type of love story that gets told for generations and onwards. But alas, all good things must come to an end.

Your breakup was calm, serene and clean. A mutual agreement as if your whole relationship had been a business deal. There were no loose ends or jealous passive aggressive remarks made. Just maturity and respect for one another.

Your pinky still held the promise ring he gave you. A token of appreciation. A reassurance that he'd always be there for you. And he lived up to his word.

Tom walked in and sat across from you, startling you, "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Whatcha writing?"

"Need a final song for the album. Sorry for showing up unannounced. I just get better inspiration here, with all the memories, you know?" you timidly looked back down at the guitar.

Tom nodded, "No need to apologize. We gave you a spare key for a reason."

You couldn't stop yourself from spilling the words from your lips, "That was when we were together."

You could hear the awkward silence start to fill the room before he spoke again, "Still our best friend, Y/L/N."

The pain that crossed your features was instant. Being addressed by your last name felt like a stab to the gut. Especially by Tom.

You nodded before playing again, "Can I help you write it?" Tom asked as he sat next to you.

"Dancer, gymnast, actor and now songwriter. How many hidden talents have you got, Holland?" you teased making him laugh.

He shrugged with a smile, "It's kind of like writing a poem, right?"

You pondered on his analogy before slowly nodding, "Yeah, it kind of is. Give it a go."

You began playing the melody and he listened intently for a few moments before singing, "I love seeing you happy. I miss seeing that smile. It's been such a long time. A– Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh. I can't do it." he shook his head aggressively with a loud laugh as you stopped playing.

"No!" you quickly protested, "That was amazing! Don't leave me hanging, c'mon." you nudged him with your shoulder before strumming again.

"Alright, alright." he ran his hands down his face, "And although I don't have you, I know now that I need to?" he paused and gave you a skeptical look before you nodded again, "Somehow make you mine. Mmm."

"Oh, okay. He's giving ad-libs and all. Get it." you nodded as he laughed.

You were so engrossed on Tom actually writing a song with you that you didn't focus on the lyrics he was singing.

"And I won't lie, it's hard seeing you with him 'cause I know he can't hold you like I can." his mood seemed to drop by a thousand as the words left his lips.

"When can we meet this boyfriend of yours?" Harrison flicked your forehead from across the booth.

You, Harrison, Tom and Tuwaine were all sat in the local pub. Pints of beer in front of each of you as loud music and chatting filled your ears.

You shrugged, "He's picking me up, so possibly tonight."

Tuwaine's eyes lit up, "Fina-fucking-lly. I swear you've kept him hidden for years."

"We've only been together for three months, T." you laughed lightly with the group of boys.

And they met him. It wasn't the smoothest of introductions, but an introduction nonetheless.

"Boys, this is Kai. Kai this is Tom, Harrison and Tuwaine." you gestured to the parties as they all shook hands and gave polite greetings.

"So," Harrison started, "What do you do for a living, Kai?"

Kai cleared his throat, "I'm a Senior Resident at Kingston Hospital. Working towards being Head of Pediatrics."

Tuwaine and Harrison both nodded, impressed by his profession. Tom's face remained expressionless as he stared at Kai with cold eyes.

"Do you have any siblings, Kai? Any psycho ex-girlfriends? Any wacky cousins?" Tuwaine joked making everyone laugh. "'Cause Y/N has a lot of wacky cousins."

"We could be in love once more,"

"Hey!" you gasped with a laugh.

Kai pulled you closer to him as he laughed, "No, no wacky cousins or psycho exes, but I do have an older sister and a younger brother."

This game of ask and answer continued on for a few more minutes. Tom didn't say a word, just sipped his beer and burned holes into Kai with his eyes. If looks could kill, Kai would be six feet under.

Kai was a sweetheart, but you two ended ages ago. His work got too much for him and your job had you touring and travelling every second.

You picked up after him with the chorus before diving into your own verse, "I remember that love song. I sang every word wrong, but you didn't mind, no, no."

"I love the things you do. It's how you do the things you love. Well it's not a love song, not a love song. I love the way you get me, but correct me if I'm wrong. This is not a love song, not a love song!" Tom belted the 'Austin & Ally' song from the top of his lungs.

"Your turn!" he pointed the pretend mic in your direction.

You laughed, not knowing any of the lyrics, but still wanting to participate, "I love that you not a licket! And you own a watch and chicken! We got a car!" you sang with full confidence, making Tom burst with laughter.

"Yes! Sing it, darling!" he cheered you on, "Absolutely butchering the lyrics, but sing it!"

"Being stuck inside a car. If it's not a doe, don't kiss it! I can't hear a missing, when there's a shoe inside the ceiling! If you really need to fart, you can lunch on a pig farm! Love song! Love song!" you couldn't even hear the song in the background, your voice overpowering it.

Tom was hunched over from laughing before he came back up and planted a soft kiss on your lips, "You are one hundred percent ridiculous and I love it."

You brought yourself back to reality and sang again, "And I'll admit that I miss you, but only if you do. 'Cause you know that I'm shy. And I can't lie, it's hard seeing you with her. 'Cause I know she can't love you like I can."

Tom's eyes met yours as the words fell from your gentle lips. His mouth was slightly agape as you continued to strum.

"You are absolute rubbish. Imagine coming in eighth. Embarassing." you laughed as you crushed Harrison in a game of Mario Kart.

He shoved you with his shoulder, "You're such a try ha—"

"—It's always the same, Tom! How can I trust you? You follow gorgeous models on Instagram and expect me to trust you?" Nadia's voice cut Harrison's words off.

You looked at him with wide eyes, his expression matching yours.

"Those women that I follow have been my friends for ages. Who I follow on a stupid app shouldn't effect how much you trust me."

You paused the game, cutting off the theme song, "How long have they been fighting like this?"

Harrison sighed, a long groan following, "A few weeks. I think it started when she saw that he liked your Instagram picture?"

You stammered, "M-my post? She got mad about my post?"

Harrison nodded before opening his mouth to speak, but Nadia cut him off again, "And she practically lives here! How do you think it makes me feel seeing my boyfriend play house with a superstar?!"

"Aw, a superstar? I'm flattered." you joked making Harrison stifle a laugh.

"I've been friends with Y/N since we were in nappies!"

"I can't be with you if you're going to be friends with her."

Your laughter abruptly died at her words. Harrison stiffened beside you.

"Y-you can't be serious. You can't make me choose between you and her."

"Why? Because you're gonna choose her?" you could hear her voice crack.

"I-" Tom couldn't make out a sentence for a few moments, "Yeah. I'm gonna choose her."

Your heart fell from it's place, stopping at your feet. Harrison brought a hand to his mouth, "H-he chose you. He chose you!" he whisper shouted before you shushed him.

"Of course. I don't know why I expected anything different. I think I'll be going now." Nadia's footsteps approached the living room.

You and Harrison scrambled to look as if you weren't eavesdropping on their argument/breakup.

Tom followed close behind her, "I'm sorry. I really am."

She nodded, hand on the doorknob, "I know. Goodbye." she stepped out of the house, slamming the front door shut in the process.

Tom let out a breath of relief before turning to you and Harrison who were staring at the Mario Kart home screen with the infamous tune playing.

"You guys are terrible actors."

"'Till then I won't give my love away,"

"I'm forever only yours." the both of you finished the song in unison.

There was a moment of silence before you reached over and ended the voice recording.

"T-that was really good. You can change what I wrote, I know it isn't as good as anything you would've written, but I tried. And it was actually pretty fun and I never knew how difficult songwriting was un—"

"—Kiss me." you cut Tom's rambling off.

His eyes grew wide, "W-wha—"

"—Kiss me, Holland."

He swallowed, a small smile stretching on his lips, "Thank God."

And with that, he leaned in and pressed his lips to yours. Interlocking like missing puzzle pieces. Moving in sync like waves in the ocean. Soft and sweet, but filled with passion. You could feel his smile against your lips causing you to grin.

His hand came up to pull your face closer into his. Caressing your jaw, fingertips playing with the hairs on the back of your neck. His other hand holding your hip in a tight grip. Pressing the pads of his digits into your flesh, scared that you might slip through his fingers again.

One of your hands was pressed flat against his chest. Steadying yourself, the heat of the kiss threatening to throw you off of your axis. Your other hand tangled itself into Tom's curls. Pulling and tugging lightly causing small groans to fall from Tom's lips. Your fingernails scratching his scalp. Pulling him impossibly closer to you.

"I want my ten pounds." Harrison's voice snapped you and Tom out of your make out session.

Him and Tuwaine stood in the doorway, shit eating grins on their faces.

Tuwaine laughed before placing a ten pound note in Harrison's palm, "You guys couldn't have waited until next month to get back together?"

"You two were betting on us?" Tom laughed at his mates who nodded.

You shook your head with a smile, "Absolute idiots, all of you."

Harrison let out a happy sigh and pocketed the money, "Today was a good day. Had a sick ass shoot. Got ten pounds. And my best friends are finally together again." he waltzed into the kitchen with Tuwaine, leaving you and Tom alone again.

Tom's shy expression met your gleeful one before he spoke, "Someday came a lot sooner than expected, huh?" he chuckled.

You nodded with a laugh, "It certainly did and I am not complaining."

He sent you a wide grin before cupping your face and connecting your lips to his again.

"Darling, I'm forever only yours."

[catzula]

tell me where you are, honey

So, I should tell you that that this is not my fiction, its heavily based on real life. If you want to check it out, the mentioned band is a Turkish band called 'Duman'.

Genre and warnings: hey guys? This is pure angst. Just angst. Heavy heavy angst. First of all, major character death (not Suna), tw: mentions of suicide, tw: mentions of death, tw: mentions of depression and anxiety, mentions of alcohol, if there's anything else please tell me!

Suna closes his eyes as he sings the words, trying to forget the uneasy feeling stirring in his chest. 

He feels the sweat drip from the sides of his face, making him glisten under the blueish lights of the bar. 

A chilly wind makes his overheated body shiver. Your face comes before his eyes, and Suna can't help the bitter smile finding its way on his lips. He stopped taking song requests a long time ago, so instead, he leans to the mic and asks how's the night going with a broken but charming smile that makes the crowd excited.

It has been a while. Suna shouldn't feel a lump in his throat, a stinging in his eyes. But he does. He can't help it when a fan calls out to him, asking for the song. 

Reminding the rest of his fans of the song, they start chanting the name of it like it's a prayer, holding a rhythm and hoping for him to sing it.

The song he hasn't sang in a long, long time.

The choking feeling is instant, the heaviness pressuring his chest, making it impossible for him to breathe in the foggy room. Atsumu interjects, telling the fans to cut it out, that they are well aware Suna won't, can't sing it.

Osamu sends a glimpse at the lead singer's direction, not surprised to see his fox-like, almost lifeless-looking eyes already damp. Suna runs a hand through his hair frustratedly, Osamu can't tell what he's thinking, but it appears hard on him. 

Atsumu cocks his head when Suna backs away from the mic. "It's okay," he grits his teeth, he looks like he's in pain. "I think- I think I can sing it this once."

The truth is, Suna missed you this song. Suna missed the song he knew that you loved so much. So he sends a smile to the crowd, picking the mic and biting his lip. It was a song he promised he would never sing again, never again after that last time.

But here he is, hoping you could hear it.

"Darling, you are my honey," Suna sings, and it comes out as choked and strained, but the fans are just surprised he actually did sing it.

It's the first familiar chords that cause him to choke on his breath. Suna's already crying, and if the fans looked closely, they could see the others are, too.

Suna's mind wanders off to the last time he sang the song, the last time he spoke those words. 

It's the first big concert his band was going to do. Suna had been trying to make it happen for months now, and if it went well, it would be a big turn point in their careers. 

"Can't you- can't you come a little earlier today?"

"Rin, where are you?" He heard you say from the other side of the line, making him sigh in annoyance. "I've been texting you all day!" Suna pinched the bridge of his nose. He was already aware you were texting him every five fucking minutes, and that was the very reason he hadn't opened one of them. "I'll be home in a few hours." He grumbled, almost inaudible, but you managed to hear him.

He didn't think much about the few seconds of silence that followed his answer.

Your voice was a mere whisper, and you sounded so sad, almost desperate, and Suna closed his eyes. "We have a fucking concert today. We're doing the last cheks." He sighed when you stay silent. "I'll try to come a little earlier."

"Okay, I love you, Rin." He heard you smile, and it made the weight on his chest feel a little lighter. "Love ya too, honey."

Honey. 

It wasn't a word anyone would expect Suna to speak, but it was what he always called you. He always said it with so much emotion, so much thought and love, and it never failed to make your heart skip a beat.

"You taste like honey." He once told you when you asked him, leaning in with a smile and stealing a kiss.

It was your favorite song.

"My soul is already addicted to your taste," Suna sighs the words. The fans are surprisingly silent, watching their favorite singer shake with wtiholded sobs at the lyrics and the love he lost. It's obvious he's out of it, lost in the memories, holding the mic so tight that his knuckles turn white. 

Your love story was one of the most famous ones at the time, more than Suna himself, and was known by almost everyone.

But lately, you had started to feel like it was dying. 

It wasn't, of course. Suna loved you more than he did anything else, and you loved him more than life itself. It wasn't anything in particular that made you feel that way, too. Many little things combined, the depression you were falling into, the stress he was under, the more than often fights happening lately.

Your relationship wasn't the best lately, that, you admitted. Suna was rarely at home. You only saw him a few minutes each day, and that if you were lucky. Even when he was at home, all you ever did was to fight. Not even about anything worth fighting, but they always caused broken hearts on both sides. 

Despite all the stress building over him, Suna was trying to make it better, too. Making compromises of himself, agreeing with you in fights despite your nonsense arguments, not saying anything about you blowing up on the smallest things. 

"Where are you...love..." He cries. He should've thought more, cared more. Suna was guilty of not thinking why you were acting like this instead of how to stop it. He was busy with the upcoming concerts, their band was about to turn the corner, but that couldn't be an excuse.

Suna had gone home after his band practice that day. The apartment was dark, so silent, it scared him until he opened the lights and found you lying on the couch. 

You weren't sleeping, he thought it was because you wanted to see him, but it was because of the anxious thoughts roaming in your mind. Suna should've seen the trembling of your hands, how cold you felt, how limp and numb you seemed. 

"You stink." Those were the first words you told him, your face souring when you took note of the alcohol and cigarettes clinging on him like a second skin. "Did you drink?" You sounded suspicious.

"No, I already told you we were practicing."

"Then why do you smell like this?" Suna gritted his teeth when yiur voice raised, resembling a shout.

"Because we work at a fucking bar? You know all this, why the fuck are you acting like this?" Suna sneered, it was only for a second he had lost control, but it was enough for your face to contort with hurt. 

You felt guilty when he sighed, seemingly admitting defeat. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? But I'm already stressed enough for the concert, and I can't deal with this shit right now." You watched your boyfriend run his fingers through his hair, his words hurting you more than they should. You were acting nonsensible, you knew, but you couldn't stop.

"This shit? You mean me?" Your voice was now a little higher, making him flinch. "Y/N, for fucks sake! You know I didn't mean that!"

"Tell me where are you, honey,"  There were things you were dealing with, shit he didn't know, you hadn't told. He couldn't have known, he couldn't have known, but he should've. If he had, Suna would never have told you all those that day. He wouldn't have made you cry, sob in the room, dark and by yourself. 

He would've stayed with you, told you he was there, that he loved you, everything would be fine. Honey, he would call you. But he hadn't. Instead, he chose to act selfishly.

"Stop being so fucking pushy." He had told you when you asked where they practiced, who else was there but the Miya's, who was that girl you saw in a picture with him, which was taken months ago, why were they standing so close? It was an argument you had gone over five times already, he had told you it was Atsumu's friend and nothing else, but you kept bringing it up.

"Just give me some space, goddammit! You're suffocating me!" Suna shouted. It was rare to see Suna raise his voice, and it made you freeze in your place. You looked in his slitted eyes, only seeing hate, disgust swimming in those greens. 

You didn't say it, but Suna noticed something was wrong, and you were crying too hard, so hard he feared you were going to pass out. "Hey, hey- I'm sorry." He muttered, acting quickly to wrap his arms around your shaking body like he was the only thing holding you together.

You were wrong, and all Suna was feeling was distress, and he could never look at you with anything but love, but your anxiety told you otherwise.

Do you hate me? The question is on the tip of your tongue. It feels like everyone, everything hates you lately, hell, you yourself do, too. You only need an answer, yes or no, since you can't tell by the foggy depression blurring your thoughts.

Do you? Do you hate me? Please don't hate me, I'm sorry, please don't look at me like that.

(he was)

It felt like hours as you cried between his arms, and Suna pressed an occasional kiss to your hair. Neither of you talked, the heaviness of the fight still lingering in the air, and Suna decided to talk about it after the concert. So you just stood there between each other's arms. Maybe you would've told him you felt broken, and you couldn't take it anymore, you didn't-

It was on the tip of your tongue as he pulled back from you, pressing one last kiss on your hair. "I have to go, honey." He told you, checking the time on his phone. "I'm going to be late for the concert."

Suna didn't notice how you flinched when he pulled back, how tears gathered in your eyes, how you couldn't look him in the eyes. "Okay." He heard you whisper. Watching you smile at him, he smiled back when you leaned in to press a kiss on his lips. 

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you pressed your body closer to him, surprising and making him chuckle. It was a kiss that screamed goodbye, but he was too nervous to notice. 

"A good luck kiss, I presume?" He laughed when you pulled back. "I'll see you there, yeah? Let's talk about this after."

"You are with me from now on, honey," Suna should've noticed your lack of response. If he had, maybe he wouldn't be sobbing on the stage now. He feels Atsumu pat his back, Suna's holding on his mic like it's the one thing holding him alive, sobs breaking his words, making him shake.

His fans watch him as he wipes the tears off his face with the back of his hand, the rings adorning his fingers sparkling under the dim light. 

"Tell me where you are, honey,

All the members are crying, not just him. They all loved you, and you were a part of their lives, such a lively, kind person. At the very least, you had managed to tie Suna down.

Its impossible not to cry as people who had heard his cries echoing out of your apartment that night.

You are with me from now on, honey," 

Something was different with Suna's performance that day, and all the others had noticed it. The tired-looking and feeling boy was pumped up that day. He sounded energetic, and Suna gave the best performance he ever had before.

It was all for you, Suna thought. He was singing just for you that day, something he hadn't done in a while. Picking all the songs he ever wrote for you, the ones you liked, just for you, hoping you would feel a little less angry when the concert ended. 

He was smiling the whole time he was singing, but his smile was dropping each time he gazed at the crowd and couldn't find your face, smiling back at him. Were you sitting in the back? Were you that angry with him?

The night proceeded, and the whole band knew it was a success. 

A few songs time left, Suna was frowning since he still couldn't have spotted you. There was no way you hadn't come, but you might have been hiding still. 

Deciding to pull out the big guns, Suna gave the sign to Osamu. They could tell what he had in mind, and Suna smiled with the first hearing of chords. He sang it, sang with a bitter smile, looking at the crowd to finally spot you. 

"You are my soul from now on,

You are my only part that remains alive," 

The concert came to a halt. You weren't in the crowd, and Suna was already in the middle of the song. "Suna- Suna, stop!" Osamu and Atsumu stopped playing, Suna sang the last word alone.

"What the-" He was about to shout at them for making him stop so abruptly, but the terrified look on Osamu's face made him stop. All the blood had left both their faces, and both the twins were shaking, but why were they crying?

It was hard to tell him what happened, and it might've been a mistake, too. 

Wrong time. 

You can't tell a man the love of his life died, she took her own life, right in the middle of the song dedicated just to her.  

What happened after that was a blur. 

Atsumu and Osamu tried to stop Suna from rushing back to the apartment, but he was quick. Suna had no idea how he drove back home, but he was standing in front of the door of your apartment, knocking on the door like a madman, praying you would open it for him. he would see your smiling face, greeting him, or maybe angry with him, crying, screaming- whatever. All he wanted to do was to- to-

He was punching, kicking the door, shouting and crying, crying and crying, and as more seconds that pass, Suna thought he could go crazy. 

It's a miracle when the door opened, and for a split second, Suna thought it was a lie, a cruel joke, a misunderstanding. You were here, you opened the door for him-

It wasn't you. 

You weren't the one who opened the door, but your sister. Her face was damp with tears, and Suna's eyes locked on the figure that stood behind her. 

It was the hardest thing to try and make Suna let go of you, try and calm him, stop him from pulling you back to between his arms, and never let go. 

Osamu arrived right after him. 

He arrived at a scene he would never be able to forget.

His best friend was on the floor, your body limp between his arms. Osamu couldn't hold back his cries when he heard Suna's loud cries, begging and begging for you to wake up, holding your hand, trying to warm you, he was shouting, the pain so raw in his voice, people around him feel tears pricking in their eyes.

"Please, honey, please-" He sobbed brokenly, his body was shaking like a leaf.

He sat there, sobbing in his hands, his agonizing screams audible even from the outside, sending chills down everyone nearby. They think they never in their lives heard pure pain like this in someone's voice.

Osamu and Atsumu were crying with Suna as he finally let you go. He couldn't watch as they took you away, out of the room. 

But they don't hear him crying out your name, instead, it's a sweet pet name they hear. It makes the twins shake with more cries.

honey honey honey

He figured too late, how you were battling with severe depression, how your personal life was a mess, how you needed him to be there for you. He was too late. 

Suna hadn't left the apartment for 15 days straight after that day. He didn't want to speak or see anyone, barely ate and drank. 

He refused to see his family, the twins visiting him.

No one knew what happened in those 15 days, but when he came back out, they could tell by a look he had changed. Not only physically (even though he looked like he was starving and sick), but also mentally.

It was his fault. If he had been more attentive, more at home to see you, ask you if anything was wrong, "honey, are you okay?" maybe it would've been fine. It was his fault.

Even after he left the apartment, even after he started smiling, it was evident Suna was never the same. How could he be? He had lost a part of him, no, he had lost all of him. And all that left was the shell that merely resembled him. 

Suna had tried to sing it more than he could count, but the moment he heard the first chord, he broke down crying. This was the one day he succeeded, and even though it was barely audible, it sounded like agonizing cries instead, he was singing it. 

For you. 

Can you hear me, honey?

honey, honey, honey.

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (SPECIAL CHAPTER)

⇒ a glimpse of life with Jeon Jeongguk now that you can see colors.

Pairing: Dad!Jungkook x Mom!Reader

Word Count: 1.4k

Genre/Warnings: established relationship au, fluff, soulmate au.

Note: This is a special chapter for YOUR EYES TELL so it contains spoiler from said fic.

drabble: your eyes tell - special chapter part 2

The total solar eclipse, a black pearl necklace being auctioned for nine hundred two thousand dollars, and you glaring at Jeon Jeongguk.

These things were rare occurrences, but it looked like the last event you had mentioned would happen more frequently.

"I said no, Jeongguk."

Jeongguk. After being together for half a decade now, your husband still shuddered with fear every time you called him using his given name.

Why couldn't you just call him Gukkie? Did he fuck up so bad that you refused to coo his favorite nickname anymore?

"But—"

Your husband tried to reason out; however, when he saw how your glare became angrier, he stopped for a few moments.

Your cheeks were flushing. This didn't look good. You were making Jeongguk nervous.

"I really wanna move back to Seoul," he tried pouting his lips since he knew you could never resist his cute face.

He knew his plan was working when you suddenly clamped your eyes shut, refusing to look at him.

"I-It's not easy to just go back to the capital, Gukkie. Our life is literally here."

Here as in Busan. You and Jeongguk decided to settle down in his hometown the second you found out that you were pregnant.

You two figured that it would be best to raise your kid in a place where she could interact with nature. Busan was known for its beaches and mountains, unlike in Seoul where you would only be surrounded by tall buildings and hustlers.

Your kid shouldn't be in a stressful city at a very young age. Jeongguk knew this too, this was why you couldn't understand why he wanted to buy a house in Seoul.

"No, it's not." Jeongguk was still pouting while shaking his head. "You're a corporate lawyer and most businesses operate in Seoul. You barely have clients here."

He was right.

"Besides, Red wants to form a partnership with you. You know it's a good offer..."

You stayed quiet for a while, only biting your lower lip because you were aware that he made a point—a good point. But then again, you also knew that he wasn't saying these things for the advancement of your career.

He only wanted to go back to Seoul because "you want Chae-won to be close to Beomgyu, right?"

Chae-won. This was the name of your four year-old daughter. Chae meant color while won meant beginning.

You and Jeongguk thought that the name suited your daughter since Chae-won was made out of love, and love in your world signified the time you began to see the pretty hues.

"W-Well yeah..." Jeongguk was stuttering, trying so hard to find an excuse. "B-But it's also because I miss city life! I miss our friends! Don't you miss Jimin-hyung? Seokjin-hyung? Red?"

Jeongguk mentioned the Kim couple as if he was implying something. Admittedly, he had been trying to include them in literally every conversation you two were having, and the reason behind this was because of Beomgyu, the first born of Seokjin and Red.

Beomgyu and Chae-won were born in the same year. The former being three months older than your daughter. The two of them only met once since the Kims lived in Seoul—which was also the sole reason why Jeongguk wanted to move back to the capital in the first place.

Chae-won and Beomgyu met two weeks ago, meaning it had also been fourteen days since your daughter started seeing colors.

You could never forget that day.

Chae-won came crying to her father, hugging his left leg as if her life depended on it.

"B-Baby...what's wrong?" Jeongguk's face was pale. He could feel the tears pricking at his eyes.

He had always been like this. Jeongguk would cry when he saw his loved ones crying too.

"Appa! My eyes!" Chae-won used her free hand to rub her eye. She was doing it vigorously, as if she wanted to get rid of it.

"What happened to your eyes, my love?" You kneeled beside your daughter, stroking her hair in an attempt to calm her down.

It was obvious that your husband was losing his shit. At least one of you should try to stay calm, right?

"I-It's too bright, Mam..." Beomgyu was the one who answered on behalf of Chae-won.

You switched your gaze at Beomgyu, amazed because of how respectful he was. He was the only kid who called you Mam.

"Oh, my God..." Red suddenly gasped, covering her mouth when she realized something.

"D-Do you think they're..." Seokjin's wife stared at you, eyes widening as she trailed off.

"They're what?" Mr. Kim raised a brow, looking at his son and Chae-won.

"Soulmates?" Jeongguk supplied, unsure.

The four of you remained quiet. The only sounds that could be heard were Chae-won's sobs and Beomgyu's ragged breathing.

The four year-old boy didn't understand why his heart hurt so much just because Chae-won was crying. He wanted to wipe her tears away.

"Jeongguk..." You were the one who broke the silence. You glared at your husband because you felt like he just uttered the most absurd thing ever.

Sure, Jeongguk became a romantic when he finally accepted the idea of soulmates, but...wasn't he being a little too much?

Chae-won and Beomgyu were still young.

"I mean...it's a possibility, right? Chae-won started to cry when I told her to go play with Beomgyu." Jeongguk said, squatting to carry his baby girl.

You stood up, feeling a little uncomfortable with your position.

The six of you were inside the Kims' mansion. Red and Seokjin invited your family for dinner when they learned that you were in Seoul to attend Ji-eun's birthday party.

Actually, you would be staying here in Seoul for three days because Namjoon said he couldn't plan his daughter's birthday on his own. Even after four years, Namjoon was still chaotic as ever.

He refused to date, already happy with his life with Ji-eun.

"So are you saying that the world is so small that the daughter of my ex and my husband's former lawyer is the soulmate of my son?" Red chuckled, amused.

She wasn't sure whether to side with Jeongguk or not. But then again, they just couldn't ignore the mentioned possibility.

Fate always had its way of confusing the shit out of people.

"We can bring them to a doctor, if you want..." Seokjin blurted out, pulling Red closer to him as he patted his son's head.

Beomgyu was still staring at Chae-won, contemplating whether he should embrace her or wipe her tears away.

In the end, the little boy chose the former option, causing Jeonguk's heart to swell with so much happiness.

His happiness turned into joy when later that day, they found out that the kids were really soulmates.

"Of course I miss our friends," you finally answered Jeongguk's question after remembering what happened at the Kims' mansion two weeks ago.

"But I'm happy here, babe. Chae-won's friends are here. Her life is here. You know how much she likes visiting her grandparents whenever she pleases. She's born here, Gukkie."

Jeongguk bit his lower lip. He was the one who couldn't answer now. You made a point too.

"I say we let her decide where she wants to live. Chae-won is smart. She will know what her heart truly desires. Besides..." You went near Jeongguk, wrapping your hands around his neck.

He instantly encircled his arms around your waist, pulling you closer.

"Our daughter is still young. Let her be a kid, babe. We can't force her to seek romantic love just because she found her soulmate,"

Jeongguk looked sad, his lips trembling.

"I-I know that..." He heaved a deep sigh. "I guess I'm just scared. I don't want Chae-won to go through the pain you had experienced because of me. I met you a little late, love. I don't think I can handle seeing our daughter cry because her soulmate is in love with someone else..."

"Oh, Gukkie..." You nuzzled his nose, kissing his cheek.

Jeongguk was left craving for more, and so he placed a kiss on your sweet lips.

"Chae-won and Beomgyu are meant to be together. I'm sure fate will find a way to bring them together..."

"Just like what happened between you and me?" Your husband's eyes were wide and sparkling, like he was seeking your approval.

"Yeah, maybe even better. Maybe Beomgyu will love our precious baby more than we love her..."

"But I am the one who loves Chae-won the most!"

You chuckled because Jeongguk looked so adorable, like he was competing with a four year-old kid.

Typical Jeongguk.

"I know. I love you..."

"I love you too." Jeongguk smiled, kissing you once more. "And I'm so glad you're my soulmate..."

MORE JJK FICS WRITTEN BY ME: EUPHORIA or check MASTERLIST

[lareinenoir]

THE PURGE; Sanctuary C.E x black reader

PT III

60 Days Until The Purge

THEN...

"I'll order take out. I know you like Thai-"

"Don't order anything. I'm actually not even hungry." You said as he took your bag and put it on his shoulder. "What?" He was looking at you weird and it made you frown.

"Where's the rest of your stuff?"

"You asked me to stay the night. That is my overnight bag." You replied folding your arms and walking over to the couch. Your hand touched your forehead and you sighed. You could still feel him looking at you as you tried to relax with your head leaned back. "After I tell Shonda about our situation, you're signing the papers."

"What do you mean-"

"You know what I mean." You shot back

"Ok, well theirs a lot to consider now." He motioned to your stomach and you sat up straight. "We're having a baby, now."

"No no no." You shook your head feeling your petty insides bubble a bit in sarcasm. "I'm having a baby. Me. Just me.”

"Obviously I want to be apart of our baby's life." Chris argued back and you frowned and scoffed. He put your bag down and crossed his arms as you brushed it off. "You can't seriously think I won't. V that's insane."

"You wanna know what's insane? You think you're gonna get anywhere near it. Why in the hell would I allow you and your broken promises anywhere near my child? Do you think I'm stupid? To make the same mistake twice!"

"Again? V what do you want me to do?" He asks throwing his hands up. "Acting is what I do, that's my job-"

"I don't care about that. I'm not asking you to chose your job or me-"

"It damn well near sounds like it. I would never make you choose." He countered back and you gripped your fists together.

"You may not have said it directly, but there have been many times where you have indirectly patronized me. I just found out I'm pregnant and I have been trying so hard to deal with it." you replied watching him pace back and forth and shake his head. "I have been getting the worst headaches, I can't keep any food down and I literally get lightheaded on set every single day because hiding my pregnancy has been a real joy ride." You replied sarcastically with a small chuckle

"What do you want me to do? I tell you to tell the producers, you get mad. I tell you to take a break, you get mad. I tell you to come over and you’re mad.” Chris said in disbelief. “I don't know what you want from me." He shrugs brushing the hair from his eyes.

"Not once since you found out have you asked me how I'm doing? My whole career is at risk I could lose my job. And you don't even seem to care.” You said

"V, I do care." He reached for your shoulder and you took in another breath. "I want you to stop worrying all the time. And you're right, I should be concerned more about you. I should be there for you-I should've been there for you in the beginning.” He admitted and you folded your lips again.

Are For real this time? Should I let it go and move past it? Again? No because it'll start all over again.

"This baby is mine. This is a life changing thing that's happening, I can't let you ruin it too." You spoke

" I'm taking responsibility because this is something I want. Ok? Can't we find some common ground? You of all people should know what it's like to grow up without a father!"

"You know too!" You shouted back. Chris' dad had died when he was younger. He talked about him sometimes but not as much. "I'd rather have had my father six feet under then to have him choosing when it's convenient for him to show up!" You said with your foot down shaking your head.

"Forget the divorce. Me and you living here happily married for the years to come. Whats so bad about that? Why can't I have that? What's so wrong with the picture of two parents raising a child?" His voice was loud and he was getting frustrated. He didn't shout, but you could tell how passionate he was about it. He always wanted to be a daddy, a parent. "Huh?"

"It's not just about you!" You said stepping closer. "Because..." You shrugged feeling your eyes water as you suck in your cheeks. "I knew the kind of man I was marrying. So involved with his job it took him almost fifteen years to actually start dating. It's not about you or your career. This baby is all I have right now.”

He looked confused as he relaxed his brow and pinched the bridge of his nose. From two feet away you could feel his heartbeat and you felt a little bad for how foolish you probably looked. You still loved him, not like you ever stopped, but you remembered that you still loved him.

Because, it's not about me either anymore. You thought

"Forget the papers okay..." You said swallowing your own pride. "just forget it. You’re right. I want our child to have two parents who will love him unconditionally. But it has to stop, because it takes two. I can't have you with one foot in the door." You admitted

“Yeah yeah.” He nodded “yeah I get that. I’m not going anywhere.” Chris said and you walked forward and took his hand kissing his palm as you placed it on the side of your face. “I promise V.” He cups your face and stares into your eyes. His stubble poking at you a bit as you held his wrists.

“I love you.” You said with a small smile

“Still?” He laughed making you roll your eyes as you giggled a little. “I love you too. Are you sure you aren’t hungry?” He asks again

“Yes.” You nodded “now shut up and come take a nap with me.”

NOW....

CHRIS POV**

“Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!” I said throwing the phone on the couch. I had called five times and her phone went straight to voicemail.

“This is not a test, this is your Emergency Broadcast System. Announcing the commencement of the annual purge sanctioned by the U.S. Government. ALL Weapons have been authorized for use during the purge. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime (including murder) will be legal for 121 days. Police, fire, and Emergency Medical services will be unavailable until December 15, 12:00 o’clock midnight, when the purge concludes. Blessed be our new founding fathers and America... A nation reborn. May God be with you all.”

My tv was replayed the message nine more times before shutting off. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Today is august 15, Vanessa’s birthday is tomorrow which was when she’d be 17 weeks. We had marked it on the calendar together. More than half my wife’s pregnancy would be spent during the purge. I needed to find her!

I didn’t support the purge. Something about killing people to be “cleansed” just didn’t sit right in my gut. It made my heart ache thinking about the clean up at the end. I could bring Dodger, but he can only do so much. Maybe he could help track her scent. Grabbing my coat I folded my lips together.

“Fuck!” I shout

With what weapon? How was I going to run the streets looking for my wife without a gun? I loved the idea of owning one, but Vanessa made me swear not to bring one in the house if she was there. So I just dropped the idea. Looking in the kitchen I grabbed one of the Chef knives off the rack. Maybe this would be enough for now...

“Damnit!” I curse looking at Dodger. “She said she was at Topanga Park. Start there?” I asked, as if he’d answer back. I grabbed her bonnet from off the bathroom door handle and stuffed it in my backpack.

I didn’t hesitate l. I locked up everything and jumped inside my truck. Dodger sat on the passenger side and I felt my hands start to shake as I put my foot on the gas. I started to promise god I would go to church if he would keep her safe.

“I don’t even know if you’re even listening or you even care. I love her, I’ve been such and idiot and I don’t wanna lose her.” I looked at Dodger and he was sitting up straight. “I remember you didn’t like her. You wouldn’t let her anywhere near me, you bark and squeeze yourself in between us when we sat down in the room to watch movies.” I chuckle wiping the little tear that slipped from my eye “You stole one of her wigs too.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!” she shouted chasing you around the house. “DODGER GIVE IT BACK! COME BACK!”

We chased him around the house and Dodger thought it was some sort of game. We had been officially dating for a month. I had started laughing when I caught him and held her headband wig in my hand. She stood their with her arms folded while I petted his head and she rolled her eyes.

"I told you he doesn't like me." She said as I stood up and she took the wig from my hand.

"Come on, he's just getting used to you."

"I've been over here every day. Your dog hates me."

"What?" I tilted my head to the side and touch her nose with my index finger. "Deal breaker? If my dog doesn't like my girlfriend, I'm gonna dump her? Tell me where that makes sense."

She walked closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist looking up at the ceiling as I kissed her neck. "I guess you have a point." Vanessa sighed.

"He's just warming up to you that's all."

"What's stopping me from breaking up with you?"

"Over a dog?"

"This is his third assault against me. First it was tearing up my purse, then chewing up my crocs, not to mention the little shit I found inside of them. And now stealing my wig and playing cat and mouse." Said Vanessa as I rested my head on top of hers. "Luckily this is a backup wig."

“Aren’t you wearing one right now?” I asked

“Headband wig. And that wig your dog has destroyed,” she gave him the side eye “it was my favorite and expensive.” She gritted her teeth

“I’ll buy you another one.” I offered

She purses her lips and shook her head. “I don’t want you buying me anything. I’ll just break up with you. For real this time.”

"Fine then..." I baited her shrugging my shoulders. "Break up with me."

“Over a dog?” She frowns mocking me as I smile down at her and her eyebrows bend downward a little as she caressed my face. Her finger was gentle and she stood on her top toes and kissed my lips. “Never.”

...

I look over at Dodger and pat his head. "We'll find her. I know we will." I say trying to lift my spirits.

When we arrived to Topanga Park, it was a sight. I didn't even want to leave the truck. I felt my heart race a little more. "What the hell..."

In the middle of traffic-in between the cars were bodies. Dodger started barking at the train of blood that stained the streets. It was empty, but I could feel a heavy weight on my back. Walking behind me, next to me...it was all around me. I hadn't realized I had my hand over my mouth an nose, it was hard for me to breath as the stench of dead bodies. Dodger kept barking and that led to me chasing after him. I had her bonnet in one hand and I called after him.

I came to a halt when I came face to face with another person. He had Dodger in his hands and I felt my muscle tense up. He was tall and very familiar looking. I swallowed the lump in my throat and held the kitchen knife in my hand with a firm grip.

"Captain America?"

I tilted my head sideways and licked my lower lip narrowing my brow a little. "Yeah, give me the dog and we can go our separate ways. Ok?"

He nodded his head. He ran his fingers through his hair and put the dog down. I wasn't really concerned about who he was I was trying to prepare for a fight. He dropped his gun on the ground and held up his his hand.

"I'm not going to kill you. I'm looking for my wife." He said "She left her watch in that building." He pointed to the school and slowly pulled the watch from his pocket.

"In there?" I asked

"Yeah." He nodded, but I still couldn't shake the feeling I knew him from somewhere. "My name is Jared. My wife's name is Gianne, I'm pretty sure she was with someone else-are you looking for someone too? Maybe we could help each other. There was something written on the chalkboard in there, I wasn't something Gia would write, but she was here. All I wanna do is find her-"

"Supernatural?" I asked turning my head to the side. Vanessa loved that show. Whenever she had spare time she would watch it or on those many night she'd spend the night at my house we would watch it-well not really watch it. The Netflix and 'chill' was emphasized. "You said something about some sort of message on the wall?" I asked motioning with my hand. "what did it say?"

"um, CE equals BE or something like that." He shrugged

I laughed a little. Vanessa Evans plus Chris Evans equals Baby Evans. It was a stupid joke-an Easter egg if you will. Shonda put in the show on the whiteboard in one of our love scenes as a way to announce our pregnancy to the audience. She often left clues to the next episode in every episode except this one was not only in the show but in real life.

"Chris Evans." I say extending my hand out to him. I'm pretty sure he knew by the little smile playing on his face. He shook my hand and nodded his head.

"I know. I'm a big marvel fan, I know all your lines." Jared chuckled and then cleared his throat as he nervously laughed. "Nice to meet you. I'm Jared Padalecki - I know I said that already..."

I introduced him to Dodger and I felt a little more relaxed. I gathered that she was alive and we both came to the assumption that they were traveling together.

"Where do you think their headed?" I asked as we walked to his car which was tricked out and full of ammunition and guns. Not to mention government level protective gear.

"While I was in there, I picked up someone else. Heavy footed and big, traveling with dogs. Hair everywhere." He went on tossing me a bullet proof vest. "You heard of Sanctuary?"

"The safety place? Yeah, but it's hard to find. It's for people who get caught in the Purge right?"

He narrowed his brow and shook his head. "No." Said Jared sharply. "Sanctuary is a secret government funded task force. It started off as a conspiracy some myth to explain all the random disappearances throughout the year. It's a government project designed for population control." He went on

"Ok...what does that have anything to do with the Purge?"

"Everything. An organization designed to control the US population. We're talking Pro killers who were once on a leash, but when that horn sounded and the Purge began, they are just as free to kill anyone they want." Said Jared handing me an ipad. It was a list of celebrities. From pro athletes like Steph Curry and their immediate families to movie stars and singers like Rhianna and Tom Cruise. "There are rumors that they are hunting celebrities. The kardashians and Jenner's are fair game. If not the stars themselves then they choose their parents, brothers and sisters."

"And do what?" I asked quietly as I saw mine and Vanesssa picture

"Most get auctioned off to the highest bidder, I've also heard they kill them on the spot for money or bring them in to fight for the death. Bottom line, there is a bounty on our heads. During the Purge everyone is fair game, their is no protection."

"You're telling me she's out there being hunted by them right now?" I asked

“Possibly. The dog hair isn’t a breed we know. They are a combination of hunting canines, bloodhound, foxhound, Labrador retriever with the built and aggression of a something like a pit bull a Rottweiler.” Said Jared as I looked up from the iPad and gave it back. “You’re gonna need more than a kitchen knife. We find the dogs and the hunter and we’ll find them.”

He held a gun out to me and wiped my mouth with the palm of my hand trying to mentally prepare for what is to come."

“Do you believe in the Purge?” I asked still questioning why his car was full of weapons. “You kill people?”

He nodded his head. “Yes. I don’t believe in hiding or waiting for someone to kill me. We all have the right to Purge."

"What's stopping you from killing me?"

Jared sighed and shook his head. "I'm hunting them. I'm surviving and if you decide to threaten my survival, then I'll kill you." He went over to the driver side of his Ford charger. "Get in. Knowing Gia she is headed for Roberts hole."

"What's that?" I asked climbing in the passenger seat of the car.

“It’s a Cassino for celebrities. Jack Black owns it. It’s locked up right but open to his favorites during the Purge.”

“They’ll be there?”

“Relax.” He out his hand in my shoulder and looked at me as dodger sat in the back seat. “We will find them. You know how to shoot don’t you?” Jared raised his gun in the air and nodded my head.

I guess it wasn’t confidently and he chuckled. “Vanessa isn’t a fan of guns.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll practice. Ok?”

.

.

.

.

.

A/N: Sorry it took so long😬 don’t hate me, please. Lol, I hope everyone is doing well and safe out here. If you wanna be tagged leave it in the ask box, Anyways…Untill next time!

Tags!

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@rosey1981

@toni9

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@Cynthetic

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[heybeybey]

and it was your heart on the line

Rating: Explicit

Genre: Angst/Romance

Pairing: Rivetra | Levi x Petra

Word Count: 8,706

Summary: Turns out, it wasn't a request. It was an order. If he denies again, then it's an ultimatum. Pressured to continue the Ackerman line, Levi is forced to choose between his commitment to giving meaning to his comrades' deaths or sacrificing the future of the woman who have always been devoted to him.

(Anon Ask | AO3 Link)

(It's also Smutty Saturday so here, have smut + ANGST. MOSTLY ANGST THO)

It's been a month since he learned about his true relation to Kenny.

Two weeks since he, Hange and Erwin traced his Ackerman ancestry.

A week since they found out what his last name means and how inhuman his strength truly is.

And two days since he received that fucking memo.

Captain Levi Ackerman,

We were recently made aware of the extent of your capabilities. After much discussion in the court, we believe that you will be doing humanity a great service by continuing the Ackerman line.

We look forward to your cooperation.

A great service his ass.

A few days ago, he, Erwin and Hange found out that the Ackerman line used to be the bodyguards of the royal family in the past and that the reason why they were so skilled is because they are titans in human form. They were then persecuted for shit knows what and the whole clan scattered throughout the walls in the past hundred years.

It also turns out that this ability is accessible to all Ackermans. They haven't found out if it's automatically passed down but Levi noted that there was a time when he felt something jolt in him when faced in a life or death situation (which was almost a daily basis for him back in the Underground).

Now, they want to reinstate the line to help the military progress.

The way Levi sees it, the government basically wants him to breed as if he's a cow in a nobleman's farm.

Levi ignores the memo for the next few days and when they sent a follow up for his reply, he didn't hesitate in telling them to fuck off. That's when things went south.

Turns out, it wasn't a request. It was an order. If he denies again, then it's an ultimatum.

They argued that the captain's citizenship above ground is tethered to his role in the Scouts. Denying this request would be taken as an act of insubordination, no matter how much Erwin forgives the said "offense". Moreover, it's an insult to the crown.

The greedy fucks from the top brass gave him two weeks or he'll be kicked back down to the Underground. Since he's the only known Ackerman, he can't push this responsibility on someone else's plate.

- - -

Only his Special Operations team were made aware of the situation. Erwin said that his squad deserves to know why their captain might be out of commission for at least a week... or why he'd possibly be kicked out of the scouts soon.

Levi silently took in the horror on their faces when he broke the news.

"Captain, are they even allowed to do that?"

"That's just... sick."

"Maybe there's a way to delay it for a few more years, sir?"

The only one who didn't speak up was Petra. She just watched the four men converse, with Levi and Eld discussing what the next steps are in case the captain will be leaving the scouts.

The thought leaves a bitter taste in all of their mouths. Survey Corps without Captain Levi? They can only see their success rates getting knocked down further. At the same time, they also don't know which decision to support, knowing that the captain will be sacrificing himself either way.

- - -

Petra has been spacing out since that day. Sometimes, her squad needed to snap her out of it during trainings. She'd been a total recluse, rarely joining them at the dining table during their morning coffee. She'd still bring the captain's tea late at night but other than that, she looks more like a ghost floating around in their squad's side of the floor. They think it's heartbreak since her admiration for the captain is already an open secret between the five of them. No one would've even imagined what she was planning.

She was able to snap herself out of it two days after, and now she's barging into Commander Erwin's office during lunch time.

"Commander Erwin, there must be another way," Petra pleads. She rarely goes to Erwin's office alone and if she's here right now, the captain must've not been aware that his subordinate would approach this topic straight with the commander.

Erwin sighs. "Ms. Ral, I appreciate your concern for the captain. Believe me, I've personally reached out to Zackley regarding this. There's nothing much I can do. I've already swayed Levi's citizenship to our favor once."

It also doesn't help that the government sees the Scouts as the most useless of all three military branches. Learning about how powerful Levi truly is was the only thing that reignited their belief in their regiment after five consecutive failed expeditions and thousands of coins wasted.

The commander looks at Petra and he can tell from her face that the gears are turning in her head. He frowns, having an inkling of what her next words will be. Erwin knows how loyal Petra is to her captain. It's something that the commander himself leveraged and exploited during expeditions.

"Would... if I do it, will that...?"

Erwin's face softens, meeting her eyes in concern. If they were to ask for his opinion as commander, it would be a waste if they allow Petra to take the responsibility. She's one of the best soldiers in the corps and her ability to sync with any team they place her in was an asset that you wouldn't find in any other soldier.

But as Levi's friend, he'd rather not order the captain around when it comes to this matter. The part of him who's committed to humanity's survival knows what the right answer is to Levi's situation, and he knows the captain will choose what will always be best for his soldiers.

"Petra, you know that Levi wouldn't allow it."

"But does it even matter what we think anymore? Commander, they're going to take the captain away from us."

Erwin is quiet for a moment, careful eyes assessing how serious Petra truly is. "Are you sure about this Petra?"

"You know I'll do anything for our cause." Adamant and unwavering. Levi chose well.

Erwin nods. "I'll talk to Zackley what it will mean if the captain chooses a subordinate instead of a commoner. Normally, sleeping with your commanding officer would lead to a dishonourable discharge."

Petra flinches at that.

"But... we can all agree that this is a different case."

- - -

Petra comes to Levi that night. At first, he just assumed it's their usual evening tea time.

"I-I talked to Commander Erwin this morning," she starts, setting down his tea on the desk. He glances back at her for a moment before turning back to his paperwork.

"What about?" Levi said. "You do know that if you have a concern, you can also tell me. I'm the one responsible for you."

"It's not a concern," she replies quickly. "Well... it is but-"

Her hesitance finally stops him. "Since when have you held back whenever we have tea together, Petra?"

"Captain... I-I can..."

He doesn't turn his chair around, waiting for Petra to speak.

"I'm saying that if it will greatly serve humanity, I'm willing to have-," she gulps, pushing the fear from her face to look at him determinedly. "I'm willing to be the one to help you continue the Ackerman bloodline."

Levi's grateful his back was turned. If it wasn't, Petra would've seen how his slanted eyes widened with horror and concern at her words. He feels a headache starting to come along, and he schools his face before finally turning around, assessing hers. His heart fell when he finds that she somehow looks both determined and scared at the same time.

"No."

Petra deflates a little bit at that, seemingly both relieved and hurt from the rejection.

"Please captain, I don't want you to be forced out of the Survey Corps. The scouts need you. I-" She cuts herself off at that, but her silence was loud. He'd known for a while now the depth of Petra's devotion.

"Petra, are you even aware of what you're offering?"

"Of course I know!" She snaps, so unlike her to disrespect her captain outright. "Captain, I wouldn't have offered myself if I'm not aware of what I'll be giving up."

"Then you're fucking stupid for even wanting to go through with this. We don't even know how many they're demanding from me."

He stands up from his chair and grabs her upper arm in a bruising grip, almost desperate to get his point across. "You'll be forced to leave the Scouts, give up your career to take care of a-"

It's rare for him to be speechless, and he finds that the word baby can't even pass through his mouth these days.

"Sir, I just want to help..." Petra says quietly, gaze averted.

"This is not up for debate Petra." He looks at her coldly. "Leave."

"But captain-" He lets her arm go. Petra's expressive round eyes are starting to tear up.

"I said get out."

He watches her hurry out, trying to ignore the fact that she was furiously wiping her eyes as she leaves.

- - -

They went out for an expedition one morning and Levi was somewhat grateful for the distraction.

Reality only came crashing down on him again when he'd watched another soldier die. He seemed new and young, looking more like a cadet than an actual soldier. Probably fresh out of the training corps but died way too soon because he chose the wrong regiment. If Levi remembers correctly, this was one of the newer scouts who had the guts to approach him with bright and eager eyes and asked for advice.

"What's your name?" Levi asks the soldier. He kneels down beside the younger man.

"E-Ethan, sir," the soldier rasps. Levi silently nods in acknowledgement. He looks up, finding Petra tending to a fatally injured scout. Eld and Gunther was assisting a female veteran who lost a leg. He can't seem to find Oluo anywhere.

"C-Captain..." Ethan struggles with his words and Levi can see how his gaze is starting to lose focus.

"I'll avenge your sacrifice, Ethan." Levi says as he holds the young boy's bloody hand, hearing him take his last breath. "I promise you that."

Levi apologizes to Petra in his own way as they wrap up the expedition. He approaches her as she was about to mount her horse.

"Petra." She looks to him with teary eyes. She does this after every expedition, crying for all the fallen soldiers as her own way of commemorating their sacrifice.

"Yes, sir?" she replies in a gentle voice, as if he didn't just make her cry two nights before.

Levi hands her a white handkerchief. "Here."

She blinks up at him for a bit but accepts his offer. He never says sorry outright, but he and Petra have always had this way of communicating where words aren't needed to be said.

They were running out of time. Levi tried to take his mind off the problem by training until his own body gives up on him. A huge part of him have already accepted that he'll be marched back down to that shithole by the end of the week.

Hell, he already packed up the limited possessions that he has.

"Levi, you know this is for the scouts. Losing you would mean losing a battalion for the Survey Corps," Erwin argued.

"Are you asking me to force a woman to become the government's baby making machine?" Levi snaps. "Because that's sick as fuck Erwin!"

Hange told him once that there was a major decrease in the scouts' death toll since he joined. Levi didn't want to believe at first that a single soldier was enough to make that much of a difference, but Hange's numbers was more than enough proof. Since he joined, they didn't need to send 10 men on a dangerous mission when a single soldier can do all the dirty work and still live.

Erwin pointed out that many would jump at the opportunity to lie with humanity's strongest. Levi just wanted to vomit at the title.

How can something that used to boost his soldiers' morale now turn into a fucked up ultimatum that preyed on his commitment to making his comrades' deaths matter?

He supposes that there are other women. He can even just detach himself from the whole situation after the woman gets pregnant and let her raise the kid.

But Levi has an intimate relationship with abandonment. Of being used and treated as nothing more than just a tool. It was all he knew growing up with gangs in the underground, and eventually in the corps as comrades die and his strength used to the regiment's advantage.

He's not that big of a piece of shit as to use someone and leave a child fatherless until they come of age to become a soldier. If he was going to have a kid, he'd make sure that they at least have a good childhood to compensate for all the shit they'd be pressured in. He'd want to be there every time he leaves the walls—not as a captain commanding his soldier but as a father ensuring his child's safety.

Levi also feels sick at the thought of just bedding anyone. Whenever he thinks of this option, his mind would take him back to a dark closet, deep in the underground, where he'd hide as his mother takes on another client. He'd be no better than the men who he watched come and go from his mother's room in the brothel, leaving her crying and filthy once they're done. It feels as if he'd be disrespecting her memory this way. Spitting on his mother's grave would've been more respectful than this.

The only other option is to drag the woman he'd been secretly throwing longing looks at, so willing and devoted, down with him.

- - -

The night before the government will come knocking on their doors, Petra came to his office again.

"You're up for promotion." This was his last resort.

If she accepts, then he'll be leaving tomorrow for the underground. He doesn't really know which outcome to hope for.

Levi doesn't give her the chance to reply, silently handing her a folder. He wants her to understand the gravity of this situation. Of how much of a double-edged sword her devotion truly is.

"I've already signed it and Erwin's just waiting for you to accept before he approves. We'll be raising your rank, complete with a 25% salary increase. You're still in the Special Ops, but now with the opportunity to command your own team outside of our missions, or whenever Erwin and I see it fit during an expedition. This is a step closer to fully becoming a squad leader two or three years from now."

Petra sighs and shakes her head at that. She didn't even hesitate as she takes away the folder from his hand and sets it down on his office table.

"Please, Captain." Petra pleads, hand moving to delicately hold his. "The scouts need you."

The face of the soldier who died yesterday, (Ethan, he corrects himself) flashes on his mind. Levi's promise to the young man rings phantomly in his ears.

I'll avenge your sacrifice, I promise you that.

Levi surrenders.

- - -

"Captain?" Petra removed the last button of her uniform, her eyes on the floor, leaving her in only her cotton underwear. He watches her while he sits on the edge of the bed, eyes taking in her every move as she shrugs off all her clothing.

"Call me Levi," he corrects her. "Please."

"Levi..." She closes the gap between them, climbing on the bed and reaching out a hand to cup his face to help him relax. Petra gives him a shy smile when he leans closer to her touch, while he settles a hand at the small of her back. She leans forward, kissing his jaw and sliding her hand down to his chest to feel the quick drum of his heartbeat. "It's okay, Levi. I trust you."

Petra settles herself on his lap and gently turns his face up to hers, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. His hands trail up her upper arms and she involuntarily shivered when he cups her cheeks to deepen the kiss. Emboldened by how receptive she is of his touch, Levi trails his mouth from her lips to her cheek, gradually making his way down to her neck.

Petra's eyes are closed, biting on her lower lip. She tangles a hand against his hair to pull him closer, encouraging him further. He feels himself getting hard fast when she aligns the heat of her core against his.

"Do you want me to turn off the lights?" She asks, testing the waters by grinding down on him. He shakes his head no, tucking a ginger strand of hair behind her ear. The last thing he needs is to feel like this is a casual romp with a stranger. He wants to know it's her.

He runs his hands against her bare thighs before twisting their bodies around so she'd end up laying back on his bed. She gave a quiet huff at the impact, but Levi was quick to lean down and kiss her intensely. He fears he might come faster than they need him to if she continues bucking against him and they need to pace themselves.

Levi plans to worship Petra tonight, because she deserves nothing less. He looks down at her and meets her eyes for a bit before he's trailing down kisses throughout her body. When he's closer to her chest area, Petra removes her bra off for him and his throat goes dry at the sight. She looks up at Levi with half-lidded eyes, guiding his hands to knead her breasts. The captain doesn't waste time, groping then leaning down to swirl his tongue over a nipple before tending to the other.

Petra whimpers with his every touch. When he makes a bold move to slip his hand down her panties, that's when she gives a low moan.

"Is this okay?" he asks quietly and Petra nods. He starts to massage her clit, feeling her core starting to dampen as his strokes become more intentional.

He soon replaces his fingers with this tongue, earning him a keening sound from the woman below him. Levi only pulls away when he's satisfied at how much of a dazed mess Petra is, hands gripping his black hair to stabilize herself. He levels himself again with her and Petra latches her mouth against him, once again grinding her naked pussy against his cock, still clothed in his pants.

They've both lost the initial shyness and hesitation from earlier on, now both driven by their eagerness to push their pleasure further. He's hard by this point, feeling the dampness and heat between her thighs through his clothed lower regions. Petra continues to grind herself against him and Levi gets harder at the thought of how she's fully naked and vulnerable below him. She desperately bucks up against his hips, delicate but scarred hands reaching down to finally start unbuckling his pants.

He allows her to shrug off his pants while he removes his white undershirt, towering over her. Petra watches him take off his top with a primal look in her eyes, sitting up and reaching out to pass her hands against the lines of his firm abdomen. Her eyes flares up at the sight of his cock, hand reaching out to touch before Levi grabs her wrist.

"I won't be able to last long if you do that." He says. Petra understands, opening her legs further instead to allow him in.

He positions himself between her thighs and looks at her one last time, making sure there's no doubt on her face. Petra, being the fucking amazing woman that she is, only nods at him with a small reassuring smile.

Levi grunts at how deliciously tight she is when he finally enters her, while Petra's arms found its way around his back to cling to him. It proves to be a struggle because her wet walls squeezes around him and he finds it hard to pull his head out of the pleasurable haze. He tries to pace himself, giving them both enough time to adjust to the feeling. When he feels Petra's hips slightly bucking up as if to egg him on, that's when he starts to move.

It was heaven and hell at the same time. For a second or two, he'd like to believe that this is a moment built on months of romancing and awkward dates. He lets his mind wander away from what it actually is—a task, a burden placed on his shoulders for an ability he never even asked for. And he dragged the bravest and most capable woman he knows down with him, willing as she may be.

"Harder, Levi," she breathes out on his ear, snapping his head from spiralling down in self-hatred at their situation.

Levi gives into her wishes, bracing himself by leaning down and pulling her hips closer. He starts to work towards an almost bruising pace, wanting to find a good balance between pleasure and pain for her. Her arms are encircled around him, hands running up and down the hard muscles on his back. Levi looks at the way Petra's breasts bounce with every snap of his hips, mesmerized. Her mouth was open in an o-shape, eyes unfocused as she surrenders to the heat of the moment, cheeks flushed, nipples continuously grazing against his chest with every thrust.

"Yes yes yes," she breathlessly chants. "Fuck me, Levi."

He'd dreamed of Petra like this in the past. But as her commanding officer, all he could really do is lock away those depraved thoughts and quietly steam in lust over his ginger subordinate. Being with her right now couldn't even compare to the nights he jacked off to the thought of her.

He can already tell that Petra's close with the way she's clenching him. Her pants are more desperate now and she bites on his shoulder blade as she reaches her own climax, and he eventually feels her hold on him slacken. Tired and pleased, Petra allows her head to fall back on the pillow and takes in his face to watch the emotions passing through his face.

The feel of her wet core clenching around him was more than enough to edge him closer towards his limit. The rhythm of his thrusts starts to stutter, his primal need to reach release urging him forward.

Petra starts moaning again, turned on at his uncontrollable lust. He waits until she eventually comes again, watching her fall tiredly on the bed, before allowing himself to let go.

One thrust, two, and then they tip past the point of no return. Petra makes a low noise once he comes inside her, her hips rising to meet his final thrust. Lost in pleasure, Levi had to grip hard on the bed frame above her to compose himself. Petra holds his gaze—a mix of adoration and desperation—through it all.

They both pant from the thrill of their coupling and Levi finally collapses on Petra. She pulls him close, allowing him to lay his head on her chest.

He didn't even know when he started crying. He only realized it when he felt Petra brushing away the tears silently running down his cheek with her thumb.

What kind of lowlife am I? Here he is, crying like a little shit when he was the one who'll be subjecting her to whatever hell that awaits them in the next few months. Female soldiers are normally allowed maternity leave but since his case is different, the higher ups demanded that at least one parent will see through the child's growth.

Everyone assumes that it wouldn't be the captain.

He didn't have to sacrifice his career and position. He doesn't need to sit around and nurture a living being inside him for almost a year. Petra will be the one who'll be taking the bulk of it all.

You're fucking selfish. You're a coward.

"I'm sorry," he whispers softly against her skin. He stays where he is, head laid on top of her bare chest and listening to the thump of her heart. Petra was just quiet for awhile, gently running her fingers through his jet-black hair as she stares up at the window and at the night sky.

"Levi... remember when you told us before to choose the choice that we'll regret the least?"

He doesn't answer back, not really knowing what to say at her hushed question.

"I chose this," Petra continues. "Because you going back to the Underground is the consequence that would kill me the most."

She gently tilts his head up so he can meet her eyes, her hand shaking from the barrage of emotion. Petra looks at his face, awe and adoration shining in her amber eyes as she traces a finger against the frown lines between his brows.

"You're a great man, Captain. I've never met someone who cares so much for his soldiers' lives more than you do." Petra continues. "I truly believe that you'll be the one who'll lead us outside these walls."

"I don't deserve you Petra."

She smiles sadly at that. "You have me either way, Levi. I'm here to stay."

- - -

The next nine months were... Well, they didn't even know how to describe it.

They decided to reveal it to their team on the first month of her pregnancy. That led to Eld's fist colliding with Levi's face. The biggest surprise was that the captain allowed his second-in-command to disrespect him in such a way.

"Eld, no!" Petra screamed.

"Captain, you told me before that you recruited Petra for her skills," Eld said. "I didn't know you'd be the type to take advantage of young girls!"

Levi understood where the younger man was coming from, knowing how Eld and Gunther treated Petra like a little sister. Oluo, on the other hand, just watched the exchange with a crestfallen look.

The guys only believed that Levi didn't force her into anything when they saw how Petra fretted over the captain's bruised face the whole afternoon. She'd constantly throw them a glare as she cups an ice pack on Levi's jaw and would constantly follow him around to make sure that he won't get attacked by the three guys. Not that they would even have the guts to attempt it, nor would the captain let it pass the second time around.

Frankly, Levi's grateful that he has a team who looks out for each other, even when they're not beyond the walls. That's one of the reasons why he trusts them. He doesn't know where he stands now as their captain and he knows these turn of events will greatly shift or even damage their squad's dynamics.

As the month comes to a close and with another mission beyond the walls in the works, Erwin pulled Petra out of all expeditions, much to the surprise of the other Scouts. Her role for the next three months were mostly to brief new recruits along with some clerical work before she closes this chapter of her life.

- - -

On the second month, they traveled to Karanese district to finally tell Petra's father. Levi had never met the man before, and the captain was quiet the whole way to her home town. If Petra didn't know better, she'd think that Levi's nervous.

The truth is that all he feels is guilt.

He knocked up the man's daughter and he was her commanding officer. What's worse is that they didn't do it because they were so hopelessly in love. Come to think of it, it would've been better if they chalked it up to them not being able to keep their hands off each other.

He'd be lucky if Petra's father doesn't assume that Levi just turned his daughter into a breeding stock.

"Petra!" The older man greets them. "Captain Levi, it's so nice to finally meet you. Petra told me a lot about you in her letters."

Levi takes a few moments to revel in the warm welcome, thinking that this day would probably end up in more heartbreak because of him.

"Mr. Ral." He accepts the man's handshake.

"Please, come in! I've prepared enough for the three of us. You're not allergic to anything, right captain?"

None of them mentioned just yet what they were there for and Levi was content just to hear Petra chatting excitedly with her father. Mr. Ral seems like a friendly man, and it's no wonder he ended up having a daughter who's such a sweetheart. The atmosphere in the room was light as father and daughter caught up on each other's lives.

Until Petra has to run to the bathroom to vomit.

He saw the rising concern on her father's face as they listen to Petra retching in the bathroom, and that whole five minutes of waiting for her to come back was absolute torture. Levi, for all his bravery when fighting titans, couldn't even meet the older man's eyes.

"Captain Levi, why are you really here?" Mr. Ral cautiously asks him.

The older man's face cracks when he finally learned the true nature of Petra's pregnancy. He couldn't look at Levi after that.

"Captain, I think you should leave." Mr. Ral says, voice cold that he couldn't believe that the warm welcome he received earlier on came from the same man. Levi didn't need to be told twice.

"Dad..."

Levi sighs as he stands up. "Thank you for the food, Mr. Ral."

"Dad, it's not his fault." Petra tries again as Levi moves to the door. "It's my decision. You know how Captain Levi is important to the Survey Corps."

"But why you, Petra?" Mr. Ral snaps. "You know, I was concerned when you told me that you were the only girl in his squad."

"Please, stop." Petra sobs.

"If I'd only known that I really did have a reason to be worried, I would've demanded you to come home."

Levi silently listens to the whole exchange from outside of the room, eyes downcast.

- - -

Petra signed her retirement on the third month. High from the mood swings brought on by the pregnancy, she cried and even hugged the commander. Erwin just awkwardly patted her head and told Petra that it might be best to let go now before Levi slices his hand off.

She also went to Mitras this month, meeting the people who forced Levi into this situation for the first time. Petra was shaking in anger as she walked inside the room, throwing the officials the dirtiest glare she could manage.

Petra didn't even bother to be respectful that whole afternoon as they brief her on what they expect from her, and what can or cannot be public information.

"I used to hope that the child won't inherit your glare but now I'm more scared to imagine if they got Ms. Ral's," Erwin whispered to Levi, watching as Petra backtalks another official.

Levi shrugs. "You haven't seen her when she gets too competitive during trainings."

On the same month, they ended up sleeping together without the goal of furthering the Ackerman bloodline.

They haven't touched each other since the doctor confirmed that Petra's already pregnant. Her every test was recorded and reported to the fuckers back at Mitras and that thought alone was enough to squeeze out the arousal in Levi's body.

Somehow, they found themselves making out in his office on this night.

"Why didn't we do this during our evening tea before?" Levi asked against her neck, peppering kisses on every inch of skin he can reach.

Petra laughs, elongating her neck further to give him access. "Gee, captain. I didn't know you wanted to be court-martialled so bad."

She's currently in civilian clothing since her last day with the scouts was yesterday. Her dress was easier to access and he'd long since unbuttoned the first few buttons that covered her breasts.

Fuck it, he thought as he moves away from his office chair and settles more comfortably on the couch, with Petra on his lap. He looks up at her, eyes alight in lust as he takes in her breasts spilling out of her dress, chest heaving and orange hair dishevelled. He hurriedly tries to unzip out of his own clothing, eagerly kissing her as she slides down his cock.

After a whole week of sex a few months ago, Levi thought he's already used to the feel of Petra around him. Egged on by their own baser instincts despite the situation, they fucked every chance they can get and it was the closest Levi had to a break. It would've been a blissful escapade if he didn't know any better, and the guilt would eat him raw every time he ejaculates inside her.

But for some reason, sex with her right now feels different. Still heated and pleasurable, because of course— it's Petra, but something has shifted between them. He feels lighter, freer.

He's careful as he bounces Petra above him, but still careful not to hurt her. Levi worships every part of her that he could reach without breaking away from the pace that they'd set, while Petra pulls against his hair and leaves her own marks on his chiseled skin.

It's the first time they had slept together without feeling as if someone's keeping a close eye on them.

This moment together is theirs.

- - -

They feel the baby move on the fourth month of her pregnancy.

Levi was the one who first felt it when he was laying his head on her lap. He was quietly reading a report while Petra was knitting a few socks when he felt a poke on the side of his head that was cozied up to her belly.

"Okay, stop it woman!" He scolds and sits up, thinking that she was messing with him. Levi pauses when he sees that Petra is tearing up.

"He kicked."

"What?"

"The baby." Levi's face slackens at that, eyes wide with wonder dropping to her tummy. She runs both hands over the skin, stops and smiles, before taking his wrist to place his own hand on one spot.

Sure enough, Levi did feel that faint poke. He lifts his other hand so he can place both on her belly. Emotion overwhelms him and he swallowed to keep himself at bay.

"Hey, kid."

On the fifth month, Levi was able to strong-arm the higher-ups to give him a goddamn house. Petra knows that this thought would continue to amuse her for years.

From what she heard from Erwin, Levi demanded that the child needs a nice place to grow up in. Since his salary wasn't worth shit despite his high rank in the scouts, it still would take him a long time to make a downpayment.

They approved the request and they moved in a few days shy of her sixth month. It was a simple house, complete with two floors and three bedrooms. One room in the first floor while another two above. Petra suggested that maybe the third bedroom can be his office but he refused.

"You're thinking of opening a pastry shop once the kid's here, right? You can use that space."

"Hmm... but that will still take some time." Petra answers, her voice taking on a teasing lilt. "Maybe we can use it to store all your brooms and cleaning solutions instead."

They once talked about what Petra plans to do once the child is born. Of course, most of her hours will be spent taking care of the baby but knowing Petra, she's not the type who'd sit around and rely on him for the rest of her life. They're still not sure if she'll be able to rejoin the scouts years from now, even when Levi tried telling her that maybe he can find a way to work around it the top brass' shitty conditions. They decided instead to focus more on what they can control now, and he suggested that he was able to save enough that they can use that as a capital for whatever she wanted to do.

As they were fixing their new house, Petra was also surprised that he was setting up his side on the master's bedroom.

Petra wanted to sleep beside him every night, of course. They've already been doing so since that first time they had sex after her pregnancy was confirmed. But Petra thought that it's just going to be her who will move in because the house was a good two hours away from the barracks, making it a hassle for Levi to go back and forth everyday. Petra tells him that she'd be alright with him only coming home for the weekends if it will save him a 4-hour commute every single day.

Levi brushed off her concerns and proceeded to set up the nursery room instead.

"Will a baby really give a fuck about all these colors?" He crudely asks, looking at all the paint palettes in his hand.

- - -

The sixth month was slightly harder. Petra thinks that it may be because the reality that she's now out of the Survey Corps, the one thing that gave meaning to her life for four years, is settling in on her.

Her closest friends in the scouts would visit her a few times every month. Hange's squad, sometimes accompanied by Nanaba, would drop by and Levi had to control Hange from turning Petra and his child into one of their experiments.

"Aww, Levi. I'm just trying to be a good aunt!"

"By trying to feed Petra one of your shitty concoctions?" He snaps back, taking the bottle with the godforsaken liquid as far away as he can from the mother of his child. Petra has to stop Levi from completely banning Hange from their home after that.

Eld, Oluo and Gunther visit her as much as they can.

"Wow, you look like a ball." Oluo blurts out when he sees Petra, earning him a slap at the back of his head from Gunther.

"Bozado, this is the reason why you still don't have a girlfriend." Eld said, smirking. "The captain has shittier social skills than you and he's now going to be a father. Up your game a bit."

Gunther grunts at Eld's quip, knowing that Oluo would take that differently. "Way to go Eld. As if the cravat's not worse enough."

Their visits make Petra feel as if it's just another morning in the barracks, except she now has a round belly. Gunther always asks about how she's feeling while Oluo would brag that he'd be the greatest uncle the kid will ever have. Eld indulges her in her cravings and always brings a basket of strawberries whenever the three of them visit.

She also learned that Levi never chose another scout to take over her place.

"Captain said that it doesn't really make a difference if he adds another member," Gunther informs Petra. "He screened a few. All of them ran away crying."

Oluo chuckles. "Remember when he screamed at them that they're all useless and would be good as titan shit on the next expedition?"

"Please, we all know he's just comparing all of them to Petra. Man's way too in love with you, Pet." Eld replies and Petra blushes.

"If you're done gossiping about me, you're all free to get your asses out here. It's late." Levi suddenly pipes up from the door. The three men shuts up, salutes and scrambles out after saying their goodbyes to Petra, along with promises to visit whenever they can.

"Welcome back," Petra greets, kissing him on the cheek.

"Did any of them give you trouble?"

"If anything, Oluo will give you more trouble." Petra giggles, having had a conversation with Levi about Oluo's tendency to imitate the captain. "He saw your parenting books by the way. I think he's setting up a budget so he can buy himself some."

Levi groans at that.

Through the months, she'd learned that bright little Nifa was recently selected to be transferred to Hange's team. Nanaba would share stories about her promotion to being second-in-command in Squad Mike. Oluo recently got a pay raise and he enthusiastically boasts that he more than deserved it, but Petra knows he's just overjoyed that it will now be enough to send his younger brother to university. Stories that are worth celebrating and Petra was all too eager to celebrate with all of them.

But when she's alone, she'd sometimes feel that time had stopped for her. She'd realize that this isn't just a simple pregnancy and she's not just on a maternity leave. At times when she really is down in the dumps, she'd bitterly question if the living being inside of her truly is worth calling a bundle of joy.

She'd shake that thought away as fast as it came, of course. She rubs circles around her rounded tummy as if to say a silent sorry to her child for even thinking of such a thing. Petra loves her and Levi's baby with all her heart. She doesn't regret any of it because this baby symbolises that Levi would continue making a difference in the scouts.

Still though, there were moments when Levi would come home and find her asleep with tear tracks on her face, hands clenching on her old green scout uniform.

- - -

She was seven months along when he first admitted that he's in love with her.

Well, he didn't admit it directly.

For someone who can easily throw an insult, Levi's shit at words. He made his love known and he didn't even say it to her.

He said it to her belly instead, and Petra almost died at how adorable it all is.

"Your mom's a handful, you know?" was the first thing Petra heard when consciousness starts to return back to her. Sometimes she'd fall asleep in the early evenings just before Levi comes back home. He'd let himself in on most days so that he won't disturb her slumber.

Hearing Levi talk to the baby wasn't something new for Petra. He started addressing her belly since the first time he felt the kid kick. Sometimes, he'd have (one-sided) conversations with her belly as if Petra wasn't even there. Hell, he was even more talkative to the unborn baby than when he's planning an expedition with their squad.

This was one of those moments.

Petra was about to pipe up and greet him a welcome back when he continued.

"If she wasn't the most reckless and beautiful woman I've ever met, I wouldn't have put up with all that shit she'd pulled." Petra's heart flutters. Levi rarely uses words of affection as his love language. He'd always made his feelings known through late night runs to resupply their strawberries just because she was craving them, or by offering to massage her swollen feet for someone who's a real clean freak.

"Don't tell your mom that I cursed." Levi continues as he settles down on the bed to rub her belly. "She'd have my head."

Levi must've been really tired if he didn't notice that she's already awake. He did mention this morning that Erwin was forcing him to catch up on a lot of paperwork the whole day. Still, Petra kept her eyes closed, wanting to hear what he says next.

"Did you know that there was this time when she broke formation to save a horse from being stepped on by a titan?" Levi said before murmuring to her belly: "I can't believe I'm in love with someone that crazy."

- - -

On the eight month, he proposed to her.

"Levi, you don't have to." She tells him, trying to stop the smile from beaming on her face. Her hand subconsciously goes to her round tummy, as if to share to the little one how his daddy can be so silly sometimes.

"Tch. What makes you think I 'have' to?" Levi says. "I want to. Now, tell me that at least you liked the ring because that cost me three years' worth of budget for our cleaning supplies."

He said it so nonchalantly but Petra can always tell whenever Levi is nervous deep down. She recently learned the truth about his past and she knows that the thought of a child of his being a bastard, the same way that he is, didn't sit right with him.

Petra gives him a peck on the cheek and presented her hand so that he can slide it on her ring finger.

"I love it."

- - -

On her ninth month, Levi requested a paternity leave the week she's due to give birth. It always amazes Petra how someone who seemed so cold can be such a great father before the child was even born.

"Are you sure?" she asks. "You won't get behind on work right? You've always been horrible at keeping up with paperwork."

"Don't get too full of yourself," he scoffs. "Just because you're not helping me anymore doesn't mean I can't get them done."

"I also don't trust our neighbours enough to take you to a clean hospital," he later adds.

Petra was excited because this means she gets Levi for a whole week. The last time they got this much time together she was still in the scouts. So she took full advantage of it, demanding that he take her out on a date.

"You won't reject your wonderful, bloated wife, would you?" Petra waddles over to him, asking him with puppy dog eyes.

"God, woman. Are you serious? What if your water broke while we're having dinner?" He snaps back.

"Come onnn. I've been stuck in this house for a week now!" She pouts. "You worry too much, Levi."

"No, I'm just not as reckless as you are." He tells with a hint of fondness in his voice.

- - -

Petra gives birth to a healthy baby boy on the 9th of June, and Levi spent the whole duration of the labor pacing outside her hospital room. His passive face doesn't reveal much since he looks like he was only frowning constantly. On the inside though, he feels his heart lurch every time he hears Petra scream in pain and exertion.

He can't remember how many nurses he'd snapped at. Some of them would even hurry away when he tried approaching them to ask Petra's condition. The head nurse was adamant he stay outside though, telling him that his wife is fine.

Hours later, they finally allowed him in and a nurse handed him a bundle. At first, he was confused because all he wanted to do was rush to his wife who's currently sweaty, tired and asleep on the bed.

It only dawned onto him that what he's holding is his child.

Levi's whole body freezes, and the first thing that came to mind is Kenny.

I'm going to be a shitty father, he thinks, mind spiralling down to the many ways for things to fuck up. I'm going to end up abandoning him and he'll hate me forever.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when the baby gave a gentle coo, eyes blinking open to reveal amber orbs. Levi stares down at his child and awkwardly reaches out a finger towards his face. His son immediately latches on to his skin, a tiny palm attempting to encircle around his finger, and Levi can feel a ghost of a smile forming on his face.

"Hi, brat." He sees from the corner of his eye that some of the nurses raise an eyebrow at that. He'd been talking to the kid for months now through Petra's belly and this is when he's speechless?

Petra wakes up to find her husband fighting back sleep on a chair beside her bed. His hands were wrapped protectively around what seems like a bundle of cloth and he's clutching it to his chest.

He snaps out of his drowsy state when he sees her eyes open. "You're awake."

Petra hums. "Is... is that him?"

Levi nods and Petra's eyes light up despite the exhaustion weighing them down. He moves to pass on the baby boy to her, leaving a kiss on her sweaty forehead before he sits back down on the chair. He's not surprised that Petra started tearing up.

"Oh, Levi... he's so beautiful." Petra leans down to pepper kisses on the child's sleeping face. "He looks just like you."

Levi had never felt peace like this for awhile. A sick and sad part of him feared that if he'll blink his eyes closed, all these will disappear once he opens them.

He received a congratulatory letter from Mitras that same evening, forwarded to him by Erwin.

"Who's it from?" Petra asks as she nurses their baby. She's glowing, and even though she's a sweaty mess right now, he can't help but think that this is the most beautiful state he'd seen her in.

"Nothing. Just some report from Eyebrows," Levi answers.

He threw the letter away without even reading. He'd rather not have his mood ruined right now.

- - -

"He's awake?" Levi groggily asks from their bed.

Petra nods, rocking little Theo in her arms. "I'm praying that he won't inherit his father's insomniac habits."

Levi sits up, opening his arms to quietly ask Petra to hand over the baby to him. "Go to sleep Petra. I'll take care of him."

His wife hums as her body hits the bed, cuddling closer to Levi who's currently sitting up against the bed frame. She throws an arm around his waist while he holds their 4-month-old child, attempting to rock him back to sleep. Little Theo's amber eyes just stares up at him, black hair tousled from all his fussing.

"Oi, kid. Let your mom rest." Levi pokes his button nose, earning him a cute little giggle from the baby. "I'm blaming you if she gets all grumpy on me tomorrow."

Petra lightly slaps his abdomen, a small smile on her face while her eyes remain closed.

Once his family settles down, with Petra now asleep and his son's eyes gradually getting drowsier as the minutes pass, he allows himself to drown in his thoughts. Having a son was both a joy and a sorrow at the same time.

Hange always teased him at how much of family man he's become, not expecting that a grumpy recluse like him who's willing to kick the asses of recruits would be so protective of his own little family. His motivation now during each expedition is just to come back as soon as he can to his wife and son.

He sometimes daydreams about leaving it all, packing everything up and leaving their home, his position in the scouts and finding the three of them a safe space to stay away from the military's demands and interests. Little Theo wouldn't end up getting pressured to join the Survey Corps or any other regiment once he comes of age and he and Petra can have another child or even two on their own terms.

For so long, his commitment to the scouts' cause has mostly been tied to the past, wanting to give meaning to his comrades' deaths. This is the first time he looked towards the future. For the first time, he's hopes for something—he hopes for a time when his son wouldn't even be forced to join the military, no matter how decorated the title they would give him. Now, he leaves for expeditions envisioning a future where they can go beyond these stuffy walls, where he can teach Theo how to ride a horse without the intention to prepare him for a mission. It's for a future where he'd teach his son to fight, just because the boy is curious and not because he needs to survive.

He doesn't know what little Theo's future will look like. For now, all Levi can do is protect his family.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 20 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 1.6 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

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{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

{John Wick Masterlist}

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His

The moment you open the front door, you know something's off. It's night already, and you're sure, by how dark it is, that every single light is turned off. Keanu was supposed to stay with Liam as you went to your appointment with the psychologist. Another one, someone who will give you a different perspective. So you don't get why the house seems to be empty. He doesn't take Liam out without telling you, and you do the same, always letting the other know where you'll be.

“Keanu?” You call, throwing your purse on the couch and taking your heels off.

Fear starts creeping over your skin when you see something weird on the floor, some feet away. Walking there, you bend over to take it, and at the same moment you realize what it is, you see another, and another, and one more after, forming a trail that leads to the back of the house. Furrowing your eyebrows, you wonder why are there so many red rose petals on the floor.

“Keanu?” You call again, making your way to the backyard, an unusual yellowish light getting your attention. “What–” The words get caught on your throat when you notice more and more the petals, and as you follow and then, raising your head, your eyes go wide at the sight of the backyard, completely lit up by candles.

There's a table set in the middle and roses all over the place. Keanu stands by the table, in a damn suit, which makes him look even more handsome. Mouth half open, you take a look at everything, perfectly set, before starting at Keanu once again.

“Ke... What...” He moves his hand a little and a slow, soft song starts playing. You gasp, biting your lip.

“Can I have this dance?” He asks, and you nod, making your way over him and taking his hand on yours.

Keanu guides your arms around his neck, his big, warm hands resting on your hip, and it burns right through the delicate fabric of the green dress you're wearing. And then, you start moving, from side to side, following the rhythm.

“What's this about, Ke?” You have to ask. It's been a while since you decided to start dating. It does sound silly, given everything that happened, but you both thought it would be a good start. You also promised not to let out what happened between you two, since people wouldn't understand and you don't want to affect his career. You forgave him, wholeheartedly, and you know he did what he did to keep you safe.

“Just thought we needed a romantic dinner.” He simply says, taking your hand and pushing you away, so gently, before pulling you back into his arms. “And don't worry. Liam is with Mrs. Jackson.”

“Alright...” Raising an eyebrow, you look up at him. “Is it a special occasion? Like my birthday or something?” The day you were born was mentioned, but you didn't really pay attention.

“Not for a couple of months.”

“You're oddly mysterious tonight, Ke.” Tiptoeing, you place a kiss on his lips.

“What's wrong with a little bit of mystery?” When the song ends, he takes your hand, guiding you to the table.

“There's nothing wrong with it.” Shrugging your shoulders, you smile at him, taking your seat.

“I'll serve dinner. Give me a minute.” You nod as he walks back inside, taking the time to look around again.

The yard was never so beautiful, the candles casting soft, warm lights. There are red petals, scattered around the place, and roses on the centerpiece. Reaching out your hand, you take one, bringing it to your nose and breathing in the amazing scent.

“(Y/N),” Keanu calls when he's near you, and when you turn around, you don't find anything on his hands. “I was going to wait so we could have dinner first, but...” Taking your hand in his, Keanu pulls you up, and you furrow your eyebrows at him.

He takes a deep breath before searching for something on the inside of his suit, and you feel your blood running cold when he gets down on one knee.

Keanu reveals a small, dark box, and when he opens it, there's the most beautiful ring you've ever seen in it. It shines, lit up by the candles, and you see three stones, the one in the middle a little bigger than the others.

“(Y/N), I know it's only been some months since we started... Dating.” He begins, and you feel your hands shaking. “But everything happened to us in quite an unusual way and I'm completely in love with you.” You're already crying, a hand covering your mouth. “I thought I knew what love was, but I was so wrong. This is love, and it's... Undescribable. The way I feel when you walk in the room is... You own my heart, it's yours.”

Biting back a sob, you let him take your hand in his.

“So I couldn't wait anymore, beautiful. I want what we had while stuck on that lie to be real. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. Forever. So... (Y/N)... Do you want to be my wife?”

“Yes,” you mutter, a little too fast, but since you're not sure if he could hear it, you nod, watching as he slides the ring on your finger.

There are no words to describe this moment. As Keanu stands up again, welcoming you into his arms and lifting you up, and you know this is right. Maybe everything meant to lead you to this moment. You know there are important people you left behind, like Daniel, your first husband, but you can only count on what you remember. And maybe just maybe, this was meant to be since the beginning. And you're happy, beyond happy, to have found the love of your life.

So it doesn't take much until the preparations start. Actually, they start on the very next day. For the general public, you'll be just a wedding vow renewal, since you don't remember the first. But it doesn't matter what they think, only what you know.

Laura is overjoyed, and she takes it into her hands to help you with everything. The date is set for only two months after the proposal, so it gives you little time to put everything together. And Laura is as indecisive as you are about the wedding dress. You do want to know Keanu's opinion, but you really want it to be a surprise, so you manage to chose it without asking him.

Things start getting hectic as the day approaches, but thanks to Laura, and to some people Keanu hired to organize everything, stuff is getting done just in time. When the day comes, there's not a single thing that isn't perfect.

There weren't allowed any journalists, just a single photographer, who's friends with Keanu. You know the pictures will find their way online, and you're well aware of some paparazzi hiding away. But nothing else matters. When you say ‘I do’, dressed in white, eyes on the most handsome man on Earth, nothing else matters.

And when you kiss, sealing your love before all the guests, you finally understand the true meaning of happiness. And as you walk down the aisle, hand in hand with Keanu as he holds Liam in his free arm, you smile at the camera, barely able to believe your eyes.

Sometime later, you're watching Liam playing in Mrs. Jackson's arms as you're seated on Keanu's lap. It was just for some photos, but you decided to stay.

“I have some news. But only if you agree.” Keanu says, low voice on your ear.

“Let's hear it.”

“I thought about a week in the Caribean as a honeymoon. But in November, so Liam is a little older. And if you think he'd be alright without us for this period.” As he speaks, Keanu pulls your hair away, placing a kiss on your neck.

“If we can hire Laura as a babysitter, I think it'll be alright.” Biting your lip, you look down at him. “And you should at least try to control yourself, Mr. Reeves. There are still some hours before we can be alone.” Lowering your voice, you smirk, placing a kiss on his lips.

“Because you're so good on self-control, Mrs. Reeves.”

“Oh, I love my new name.” Kissing him again, you only pull away when a song starts playing. “Ok, we have to dance.” Jumping to your feet, you start moving already, holding his hand as you walk to the dance floor. The song is fast, so you get this chance to be all over Keanu the best you can without letting anyone else notice the teasing.

“Do you really think it's a good idea to tease your husband before the wedding night?” He asks, his huge hands coming to encircle your waist, pulling you against his chest.

“It's the best idea I ever had.” Winking, you turn around, moving along with the rhythm, rasing an eyebrow to see Laura dancing with Robert. That took some time, but you finally see something happening.

The rest of the party goes on wonderfully well, and when it's over, you go back home. Mr. and Mrs. Jackson offered to stay with Liam tonight, so you and your husband have the house to yourselves. You're not entirely surprised to find your bedroom all decorated with candles and roses. You love it, but before actually getting into bed, you completely fail on the self-control thing, joining Keanu in the shower.

But of course, it doesn't stop there, and in no time, the amazingly decorated bed is messed up, once again claimed as yours. And even though you're tired of the party and the ceremony, you can't stop. You can't have enough of Keanu, you can't have enough of finally being his.

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