#and i imagine talks would be going a lot differently if the decepticons just fucking claimed a planet in autobot space

[birthdaycakeplate]

same anon asking for Blitzbee fic recommendations, tried to message you but unfortunately your account is set to only people you follow doing that.

but hmmm, I'd say my personal taste in fics are actually slow burns, I really like fics that focus on Blitzwing and Bee forming an unlikely relationship based on their 'home lives' in a sense of it, where neither are understood and often viewed as annoyances/loose canons leading both to a feeling of isolation and a mild desperation/willingness to connect with anyone even at the risk of 'treason' for interacting with the other side.

I also enjoy the progression for Blitzwing of seeing Bumblebee as a harmless amusement to him somehow becoming a bit of a hyper focus that causes the big bad con to develop some empathy and *gasp* morals.

Meanwhile Bee is just a cocky little bastard who refuses to accept Blitzwing as the actual threat he is and then feelings are caught when his view of the world is shifted and he finds out Decepticons are also actually just people with complex feelings and motivations (also bonus if break down of autobots 'all warbuilds are evil because' bs is broken down)

I realize now I'm rambling so apologies its just a very fun ship to babble about.

If I was to ask for any fic, if you could set one in your Nemesis AU that be amazing, the size difference you give in that is spectacular like omg I stare so politely.

Also the concept is just very fun to me and I'd love to see that au world expanded.

As for spicy content I don't really have any ideas? Sorry I'm actually terrible at writing it my only preferences are Blitz top and preferably consensual.

for ease if we keep talking like this I'll sign off as

Curiosity

GOD, of course I invited you to talk with me and then blocked you from doing that elekkeem 🌝 I think I fixed my messaging where I’ll get your stuff now, if you’d like to try again 😭 I swear I’m always this dysfunctional.

But anyway, your message here is good, true, andfantastic. I CRY. Your view on the ship is perfect and pure D,8

I LOVE when Blitzwing is stunned when his desire to squash the useless yellow gnat and be done with him is suddenly evaporated by the sudden realization this guy is slowly becoming the only thing in his life fun and full of life (and kind of precious if he’s being honest, ok???). Because their chemistry is crazy- they’re both wrekcless little freaks when left to their own devices, but full time loyal, fucked up little creatures to the ones closest to them. The handful Blitzwing can afford to let in to his life, even if ‘friends’ isn’t the word he’d use, and the few Bumblebee can make real connections with, when he’s a mischievous ant with a complex to make ‘something great’ of himself.

But he already IS great and bad boy Blitzwing needs to make it his immediate life’s goal to get that through to him and give him lots of love. (I ramble, too, you’re in good company)

I’m bad at stating my thoughts, I get overwhelmed when it’s my own emotions. But I typed and retyped something along the lines of how I’m noticing we have lots of similarities here in terms of what our favorite flavor of Blitzbee is 🩷🩷🩷 I bet lots of ppl who read this would agree with you and appreciate you throwing out there the love language of these complete messes of men✨

Does that mean my attempt to translate these tastes into fiction beside my ideas will make for good reading and also provide you a happy source of top Blitz/blitzbee? God, I HOPE so. You deserve it and I’m going to try.

I have the first chapter half written, because-

OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY AUTBOTS JOIN THE NEMESIS AU STUFF EKEKKEE

OoooOOOHhhh aAHHHHHHHH

I SCREEEEEEAM 💕💕💕 thank you???!!! That means so much to ME and makes me insanely happy, because I was so surprised when you said that, and I REALIZED how amazing it is to hear a thing like that. That I’ve got a thing going I didn’t imagine would become liked enough for a fic request for it.

I’m hoping to finish this first chapter by next Friday. Probably sooner than that? But I’m scared life won’t allow it. Thanks for your messages💕

(The other anons who messaged me, too, about some top Blitzwing fic stuff, I see you and I’m elated to hear from so many of you, thank you✨)

[keef-a-corn]

THAAAAAT’S RIIIIGHT! It’s everyone’s favourite time! Keef watches TFP and you just get the notes!

This is for season 1, episode 9: Convoy.

I write down the timestamps, but I watch Transformers Prime on Stan (an Australian streaming service) so they may be slightly off.

Also, I’ll warn, I don’t have a lot to say. (Not compared to other episodes)

~~~~Transition~~~~

00:03 - beautiful scenery- for fucks sake, Fowler.

00:05 - ✨walk cycles✨ I Will never not love the way the bots walk and I will never stop reminding you.

00:12 - hehe, height difference.

00:16 - good. (I don’t like Fowler, he’s unnecessarily rude.)

00:21 - hehe Dingus.

00:49 - Raf’s got his priorities straight.

00:52 - Miko’s reaction

01:14 - you already know that a bunch of children had to ask their parents what Propagate means.

01:28 - Optimus knows Fowler would be a reckless driver. But I can also imagine that it’s just generally very uncomfortable and unnecessary stressful for the boys whenever someone else is driving. If not, then I’m making it a hc.

~intro~

02:53 - WOOOOW FOWLER. JUST WOW.

03:07 - Optimus uses that T.H.I.N.K acronym and I will not hear otherwise.

03:18 - if the yellow dot is where the D.N.G.S is, why is it placed between two orange dots? Bee hadn’t moved in front of Optimus yet.

03:22 - I mean.. the truck’s obviously being escorted by two other cars. Why would they assume that all three are unarmed?

03:42 - that’s rich.

03:48 - damn right, Optimus! Shut him dooown! Also Bee, Get back in the lane.

03:55 - translation, ‘a worse evil’

04:15 - Bulkhead said that, but Stan decided Ratchet did.

04:29 - From what we know, most of the cons are greys, black and purples. These are green. The decepticons have a colour scheme going, why would there all of a sudden be a bunch of green cons??

04:54 - that was what Bee did in the first episode.

05:09 - why.. why was his window open?

06:33 - someone that knows transformers lore, could you tell me.. would Optimus be able to feel that?? At the end of the day, that’s still apart of his body.

07:04 - that made me laugh, ngl.

08:23 - Bee really ain’t doing anything, huh? Like they’re breaking in from behind and Bulkhead can’t do anything.

08:41 - oh yeah, forgot about Arcee.

09:03 - makes the whole thing a lot more twisted.

10:44 - FOWLER. WHEN WOULD THE BOTS HAVE GOTTEN AIR SUPPORT?!

10:51 - that’s what it’s like rocking up at school wearing your uniform.

12:23 - Transformers Running well never not be funny.

12:26 - they look like frogs on two feet.

12:37 - specifically watching Bee fight is so entertaining (not just because he’s a favourite, also because he’s really bouncy during his fight scenes.)

12:42 - Optimus moving as though the punch was a minor inconvenience.

12:43 - then he just destroys the con.

13:25 - the big eyes and the cute wave, I caaaan’t!!

14:01 - “I understand-” d o n k

14:12 - Isn’t Fowler able to.. see the fight? Wouldn’t he have seen Optimus get dinked off the cliff.

14:16 - he was taken down by some wood. If you know, you know.

14:25 - Arcee and Bee jumping is the strangest visuals ever.

14:27 - that’s just a group hug in a buttshell.

14:34 - I would love to hear the bloopers for this. How did the VAs manage to say ‘DNGS’ without dying of laughter.

14:37 - you’re telling me that they didn’t have a backup plan??

14:53 - It’s strange hearing ‘suicide’ in a show that probably has a large child audience.

15:00 - How Ratchet pronounced ‘yours’ sounds so out of character that it made me cry. He cares so much he forgot to be an old man.

15:01 - When you watch this scene, watch how Ratchet moves. Like it’s so appealing the way he doesn’t stop moving.

15:54 - did they seriously only have one person in the cart with the D.N.G.S? Seems very flawed.

16:58 - to be fair… yes. He’s right.

17:14 - I’m so confused as to why they went on the train in the first place. Yes it was a bad idea- OF COURSE IT WAS A BAD IDEA AND IT DID NOTHING!

17:15 - BIG TALK, MIKO! Raf was working remotely and managed to give them more time. (I don’t understand how, though, because it seems that they went a different route)

17:32 - quick shoutout to character design. Look at the detail on Optimus’s helm here.

17:55 - I’m pretty sure that the using a fire extinguisher the normal way is going to prove more useful than whatever Jack is planning on doing.

19:38 - Excuse me, but… what?. Just… what??? Also does anyone else see any parallel between Miko and Jack and Optimus and Arcee? Where Miko’s trying to think of different ideas of how to get out while Jack’s like ‘we may die, but I’m just gonna accept that’. And in Scrap heap Arcee was trying to think of different ways to stay alive and Optimus is just like ‘if I stay here and relax there will be an outcome. The outcome may be death, but I’m alright with that.’

20:09 - Optiman, Optiman, does whatever an Optimus can. Can he swing from a web? No he can’t, but he can stop a fraggin train. Look oooooout, Optimus aboooout.

20:28 - I may have laughed loudly when I noticed the unconscious guy.

20:49 - Silas really went ‘GG but-’

20:53 - no. What. The. Actual. Fuck?. When and where did he get that??

—————

So that was Convoy. Because the episode was more focused around the humans than the bots I always found the episode kind of boring.

But considering the episode is mainly about introducing MECH, it’s one that I would watch in a binge, but not one that stands out.

Although being a human focused episode, I thought that they came off either annoying, dumb and/or punchable (with the exception of Raf, he did a good job), particularly Agent Fowler. I hate him in this.

Also, could someone tell me if I should put screenshots before or after their related timestamp. Thanks!

[rawmeknockout]

Hey, hey! I hope you're doing great. This isn't a request but more of my curious mind trying to make sense of things. That being said; what are your favorite shipping or story trope/twists that you are an absolute sucker for & who of your favorite bots &/or cons match this trops/twists best in your opinion? This can be any iteration of your choosing (pls include where the selected are from, I get a little lost on who's from where sometimes).

Have a nice day/night! 🤗

oh i LOOOOOVE talking about this

for idw

rivals-to-lovers with rodimus and characters like rodimus (but mostly just rodimus); being his rival and someone who antagonizes him but at the end of the day you begrudgingly respect him and know he has potential (which is painful bc hes so stupid) and as you fight side by side and save each other and help each other with your internal struggles, the passion between you blossoms into love

old-flames-who-were-evil-together-but-eventually-things-went-sour-but-then-...-you-reconnect with megatron specifically; someone who was an advisor and by his side before the war, a strategist and a major brain behind the formation of the decepticons iconic evil plots, but eventually you start to despise him for turning this thing you cared so much for into something that you neither of you wanted to begin with but both of you are so sullied by your horrible actions theres no repentance for either of you, you fuck off to some planet to escape punishment bc youre not going down like this, idk you reconnect and although you have a lot of bad blood between you theres still relief that megatron is alive and didnt get executed. in the beginning all you wanted was the best for megatron and your planet now you two are unrecognizable compated to the mechs you were before so you take comfort in each other bc who better to console him and stand by his side than someone just as horrible and tainted.

haughty-diva-and-the-person-they-'settled'-for is also a dynamic i love esp for mechs like whirl and swerve and trailcutter who see themselves as undesirable and perhaps even unattractive to others, but anyone could see they have insane chemistry with this hottie. someone who is also probably pretty bad at expressing their feelings and doesnt know how to say they like someone bc theyre used to being hit on not hitting on others.

old mechs paired with a bouncy youthful personality, opposites attract sort of thing. ratchet and magnus (sometimes megs) are my usual go-tos for this dynamic but it could work for others like tarn or kaon. theres a lot of world weary mechs to go around so i like the idea of someone who isnt so jaded paired with this type of personality, i think it can be very cute.

im partial to maternal nurturing type reader inserts, but im not sure which mech is best paired with a personality like that. a soft mommy dom if you will. not submissive but breedable. along with this, a reserved quiet but thoughtful character who is secretly sort of dumb is cute. again not sure who they would bounce off of, but i like to imagine this reader insert takes care of alien plants and doesnt have an easy time interacting with others. a blunt dry humor. more of a comic relief type.

for g1

ratbat with someone who is very much a bystander on the nemesis, perhaps a no-name maintenance bot, but one thing leads to another and he relies on this mech to be his henchman and obvs theyre gonna listen to him he's their superior but also they arent Built Different they are very much built to standard code theyre not gonna pick a fight bc even ratbat could wipe the docking bay with them 😔 cannon fodder,,,, ratbat is happy just to have someone who wont fight him on this, so he starts to see them as less of a disposable and more of a nuisance (which IS a step up) i think this sort of dynamic is also cute for starscream with a newbie seeker. someone who will listen to him and polish his heel thrusters if he demands it without grumbling and thats rare to find so he treats them to,,, less shrieking than is usual for him. will not let you die on the battlefield even if he complains that saving you is a waste of his time.

sunstreaker and sideswipe in another rivals to lovers scenario, but i see this less as rivals and more as "hardnosed mech who is unrelenting in their principles really hates these two bullies"; starting out from them being absolute menaces and just awful (as per ush) to developing a soft spot for a mech who is just as stubborn and blunt as they are in their approach and who wont leave either twin to waste away on the battlefield from an injury even if theyre like,,, reeeeally awful to them. what can i say i think the twins would appreciate a show of loyalty and camaraderie even if they pretend they dont need that sort of thing.

optimus and a creepy little con. ive done a fill for a request like this. just optimus having a soft spot for this little weirdo who has too much interest in him.

in the same vein, bumblebee with a cutesy creepy little con. someone who is sort of his opposite? the bumblebee of the decepticons, if bumblebee terrified all his fellow autobots. falls in love with him for saving them or something and now they wont leave him alone. he is reluctant to admit theyre cute bc hes a loyal autobot and they also scare him.

megatron and anyone he can hold like this

im always open to more dynamics and tropes bc its pretty clear how i write, i need a base personality to write the reader insert off of and i dont like to leave it as "they love you and thats the most important aspect of your character" i just dont think being loved is an important trait for a character to have, its an important action for them to perform and for others to perform towards them but its not a good basis for a personality

i also love dynamics that can have a lot of depth and backstory added to them so i get a feel for where the reader has been and why they are the way they are (im not partial to shy types personalities tho bc i like more assertive characters that can move the plot more with their actions/words)

[thunderpounce-inc]

Rough draft ref for Cloudy & Orange, my two dumb TFA OCs who still need actual names

Cloudy is actually the transformer in my icon, making the ridiculous facial expression!

There IS a story to go with these guys, though idk if I will ever write it or anything. Said story mostly explores a pre-war spot on the timeline, actually, so there isn't much interaction with cannon characters.

It goes about like this:

Cybertron has a semi-functionist caste system, and Cloudy is a 'war-frame' transformer literally manufactured BY the military, like a soldier ant. Cloudy is an experimental model from a line of attempts at biomimicry, to make soldiers that were even more effective, ferocious, and resourceful than normal

Cloudy is kind of like if the MILITARY commissioned a much more real, much more genetically engineered (which, I would like to note, I headcannon that basically all TFA transformers are genetically engineered; they come in different 'models' and 'upgrades'; and that just sounds a lot like 'we are genetically engineering ourselves and are at the brink of outright cladization' to me) 'cat' 'catboy' than one normally thinks of. Less 'cute NYAH!', more 'scary TIGERboy who could bite your arm off'

also, uh WARNING! (robot) cannibalism is touched on below a bit

Cloudy serves in the Cybertronian military (he was BORN there,,,), during which he is stranded on a ship after a battle goes pretty Bad. Cloudy is the sole survivor of this, and pulled through by drinking fuel from the corpses of enemies (MAYBE fallen allies too, dunno how dark I wanna go). I DO know that even just doing that to DEAD non-transformer enemies would be a big deal, since transformers normally live entirely on inanimate fuels like energon, oil, ect- so I imagine even drinking BLOOD would be indistinguishable from cannibalism to them. Cloudy is literally intentionally programmed to like the taste of blood and this stuff distresses even him (arguably even more so BECAUSE of that)

Eventually the war Cloudy was forged for (most likely conflict with the Quintessons) is won, and he gets to go planet-side while on stand-by. Cloudy tries to do that Civilan Life, but its kind of tough when everybody is smaller than AND and kinda scared of you. He makes friends with this more open-minded motorbike (Orange) while he's there.

(they meet when a disaster of some kind causes a building to collapse, and Cloudy lunges at the nearest way-too-tiny-to-survive-this bot (Orange) to shield them. They get split up after that since Cloudy gets knocked unconscious, and first responders drag everyone off the scene for medical attention. But when Orange next bumps into Cloudy, he's determined to actually talk to him and find out what this 'scary war-frame's' deal is. Which is good, because Cloudy is way too shy to initiate conversation like that, haha)

Cloudy's secret eventually gets out when investigations of the stranding reveal that all corpses had been exsanguinated and gnawed on, all rations exhausted, and Cloudy came back weirdly healthy for a guy who should have starved to death. He's then sentenced to 'you die fighting in the gladiator pits, OR you die right now!' Cloudy gets immediately shipped out to the pits on the spot, and then Orange follows him there because he is a stubborn, loyal little mother fucker.

From there the story is less defined, BUT I know both of them become Decepticons when THAT war breaks out, seeing as both have become quite sympathetic to 'yo the current situation on Cybertron is FUCKED!'

I would also like to note, by 'reptile handler trust-bond', I mean some kind of wacky queer platonic(?) relationship defined primarily by it's foundation of carefully earned trust. I'm not very good in the social department, gonna be honest, but I like animals a lot, so that was the best analogy I had. Cloudy and Orange's relationship isn't romantic, I wouldn't say? It's based primarily in how Orange is one of the very few people Cloudy, who is very distrustful, is willing to trust closely.

[mismagireve]

I would love to hear your tfa megaop au idea please

THE VAGUELY MEGAOP AU AKA THE AU WHERE MEGATRON GETS HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND BECOMES THE LEADER THE DECEPTICONS DESERVE

okay so

our story begins when three autobot academy students arrive not on archa seven in search of energon left behind on a decepticon ship that crashed during the war, but on vector, where legend has it the autobots suffered a crushing defeat.  supposedly, there’s a ship left on vector that the decepticons never found, still filled with weapons and emergency rations, waiting to be brought back to cybertron.  it’s a longer jaunt from cybertron than archa seven is, and it’s outside of the autobot commonwealth, but unlike the archa system it’s not expressly forbidden to go to, so they’ll probably get in less trouble if they get caught

so our three academy autobots, optimus, elita-1, and sentinel head on over to the strange organic world in search of their treasure

and are immediately beset by very angry decepticons wondering why the hell these autobots are on their planet

of the three autobots, elita-1 is shocked, sentinel is shocked and ready to start attacking, and optimus— optimus is not ready to cause an international incident and spark a second war between the autobots and the decepticons

so optimus, calmly and clearly, states that he was unaware that planet vector had come under decepticon ownership since the great war.  all of cybertron’s starcharts show that the system vector is in (a system comprised of vector, orga, and duke, all organic worlds the autobots suffered great losses on and don’t really like remembering) is unclaimed and uninhabited.  they had no idea that there was a decepticon outpost here, they had no desire to trespass, and if the decepticons would kindly allow them to go, they’ll be sure to update their charts so that something like this doesn’t happen again.

the decepticons don’t really believe that these three are the only autobots on vector, or that they won’t come back with a warship, so they end up “escorting” optimus, elita-1, and sentinel back to their ship, where optimus then contacts the first officials he can think of to basically say hey we got some angry decepticons here saying they’ve staked a claim on vector, mind updating the star charts so we don’t fucking die for unwittingly trespassing?

flash back circa 1000 years

the decepticons fought in the great war and fucking lost

they are demoralized.  they are damaged.  they are dwindling.  and they need a strong leader.

thankfully, megatron is an incredibly strong leader.  but this time, instead of focusing his efforts onto finding the allspark and undoing his humiliating defeat at autobot hands—he decides that in order to have even the slightest chance of combating the autobot menace once again, he needs to get his army thriving again.  and that means he needs to get his infrastructure on.

so he pumps what resources the decepticons have into rebuilding the few worlds they have left of their empire.  has them acquire more resources by mining or making factories, trading with other planets, getting the scientists and engineers to find new ways to use what they have.  as the decepticon forces become more and more versatile, the military command structure they used during the war becomes less and less suitable for maintaining order.  they create an actual government charter.

they become and empire in more than just name.  and they start looking to expand to other planets.

after the signing of the tyrest accord meaning the banishment of the decepticon race from cybertron, they largely haven’t interacted with the autobots.  as such, the autobots are largely completely ignorant of what the decepticons are doing.  the incident on vector is the first real contact that autobots and decepticons have had since the war.

and this gets the attention of megatron and ultra magnus both.

flash forward circa, like, a week

the autobot commonwealth is now aware of the renewed strength of the decepticon empire.  the decepticon empire is now aware that the autobots have noticed them.  and both of them are aware that, against all odds, first contact on vector went off without a hitch, thanks to the efforts of a young academy bot named optimus.

diplomatic talks are proposed between the two ruling bodies.  ultra magnus wants to know what the hell a decepticon outpost was doing on a planet so close to the autobot commonwealth.  megatron wants to know how strong the autobot commonwealth is these days.  before you know it, there’s a meeting scheduled.  for the first time in centuries, decepticons will be coming to cybertron.

optimus, probably still frazzled from meeting actual god damn decepticons for the first time in his life and getting tired of hearing shit about it from sentinel (who refuses to hear that going to vector was his idea, and that acting nice with the decepticons was better than getting murdered and sparking another war), gets a summons from ultra magnus.  as the bot who made the first peaceful contact with a decepticon in a millennia, he’s being invited to the summit along with several other important figures in autobot society.  ultra magnus believes this would be a good learning experience for his favored student—and more than that, megatron specifically requested that he be invited.

apparently he wants to know more about the bot that arrived on an alien world, outclassed and outgunned, and had the balls to look a group of decepticons in the optics and say “we come in peace.”

eventually, the day comes when the summit is to be held.  for the first time since the signing of the tyrest accord, decepticons will be setting foot on cybertron.  and optimus is part of the greeting party.  he, along with the rest of the autobots, watch as the decepticon flagship nemesis enters cybertronian airspace and descends to the ground just outside of the metroplex.  the doors open.  their guests have arrived.

optimus, or rather the newly promoted optimus minor, sees the decepticon leader for the first time.  megatron.  the bot that history books and propaganda alike have dubbed “the emperor of destruction”.  the bot that every academy student fights and dies against in simulated combat to test their skills.  the bot that rumors say eats protoforms for breakfast.

optimus shakes megatron’s hand on that day.  and he has one small, but infinitely significant realization:

megatron hot

[libermachinae]

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise 29. Prowl, in profile, looks to the right. Prowl: “I lost my best friend, Prime. Megatron stood at his side and only one of them walked away.” End ID.]

I’ve never stopped thinking about this line, so! What the fuck is up with Prowl and Bumblebee’s relationship? (Spoiler alert: I do not think Bee is another ex 😔)

They first met millions of years ago when Bumblebee went to Orion Pax for help regarding horrible dream he’d been having, and from there remained in each other’s orbits, though not really friends.

[ID: From Robots in Disguise #32. Prowl and Bumblebee stand with their backs to the reader, watching Metroplex lift off in city form while a battle rages in the sky around him. Bumblebee: “Nobody said war’s logical, bud.” Prowl: “That’s my point. We’re going to do stupid things until we die.” Bumblebee: “Primus, Prowl. Lighten up. We’re not like the Decepticons!” End ID.]

During the war, they got along fine, but in the one snapshot we see there’s not a lot of friendliness between them: Prowl is talking about the futility of their war and Bumblebee happens to be someone nearby. There’s a familiarity to the way they talk to each other (I doubt many people would bother or could get away with calling Prowl “bud”), but it’s more like coworkers who have been stepping on each other’s toes for a long time than real friends. The conversation begins and ends with Prowl’s internal monologue, while Bumblebee’s perspective is just a device used to draw out more of Prowl’s thoughts. Little is shown of their relationship because at this point, it just isn’t there.

[ID: Screenshot from The Transformers #21. Optimus stands with his back to the reader in the foreground, with Bumblebee and Prowl in the Background. Prowl’s caption: “That’s when Prime filled in the ‘Bee. He took it better than I expected. Smart questions. No whining. Focused the anger. He’s going to be a great leader one day. If he gets the chance.” End ID.]

(”the ‘Bee” lol Costa’s Prowl is a specimen) Half a million years later, they’re on Earth, Bumblebee has been elected and then demoted, and Optimus is leaving with most of the Autobots while assigning them to investigate the illegal weapons trade. Prowl has thoughts on Bumblebee’s leadership, which will be the ongoing theme of their relationship for the rest of the series. In typical Prowl fashion, he will never speak these particular thoughts aloud. (continues under the cut!)

[ID: Screenshots from Spotlight: Bumblebee. Panel 1: Bumblebee points offpanel with his cane and at himself with his thumb. Bumblebee: “No, wait, hang on, Prowl—I’m in charge here.” Panel 2: Prowl points a stern finger at Bumblebee, offpanel. Prowl: “What? Come on. This isn’t about being in charge, it’s about being right.” Panel 3: Prowl, flanked by two other Autobots, walks away from Bumblebee. Prowl: “’I’m in charge.’ Optimus Prime would never put up with that kind of procedural nonsense.” End ID.]

Spotlight: Bumblebee is basically a story about Bumblebee trying to impress Prowl. It opens by showing us how little respect Prowl holds for Bumblebee, ignoring his orders and taking bots he had already assigned to different tasks. We already know that Prowl is no Optimus fan, making the dig at Bumblebee extra cutting. It also doesn’t hurt that Bumblebee’s whole story so far has been about trying to live up to Optimus, Prowl’s words coming as long-anticipated confirmation that he has failed to do so.

[ID: Screenshot from Spotlight: Bumblebee. Prowl smiles. “Means the little guy’s got more spark than I gave him credit for, these last couple million years. Taking down five bad guys on his own— and blaming himself for not stopping a hundred more? And then coming home and taking control?” End ID.]

“That’s what Prime would do.”

Recklessly endangering himself for the sake of taking down a few “bad guys”? Yeah, that actually sounds exactly like Optimus.

Bumblebee proves himself taking command and earns a little respect from Prowl, even finding the confidence to bite back for Prowl’s “procedural nonsense” comment. It marks a big shift in their relationship, and by the time they’re back on Cybertron in time for Death of Optimus Prime, they’re working together by choice rather than decree. If we’re looking for a point where they become friends, I think this is it, a whole three years before the “best friend” panel above. All it took was a “couple million years” of just tolerating each other.

And this takes us into Phase 2!

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #1. Bumblebee waves a cellphone-like device in Prowl’s face. Prowl: “They’re not my friends.” Bumblebee: “Whatever they are—you keep them in line or I will. You understand?” End ID.]

And also into an ongoing conversation about friendship! 

The pair is back on Cybertron following the events of Death of Optimus Prime and trying to figure out how to bring order to their home, and immediately disagree about the best way to do that. Bumblebee refers to the newly deputized Decepticon enforcers as Prowl’s “friends,” using the word to highlight the unprofessional, independent nature of what is essentially Prowl’s personal anti-neutral militia.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #1. Bumblebee: “Rodimus and his crew died. They were our friends—we can’t—can’t not eulogize them.” Prowl: “They were my comrades—dammit, my friends, too.” End ID.]

This leads into a conversation about the recently-departed Lost Light, for which Bumblebee thinks a memorial should be held. This time, when the word “friend” is used, it’s more sincere. Bumblebee also doesn’t say “my friends”—he extends an invitation that Prowl accepts, albeit clumsily.

Does he mean it, though? Prowl is not so socially bankrupt to not understand how friendships are supposed to look. Even if we dismiss his attitude to the Lost Light as general Prowlishness, this scene is followed by a conversation with Arcee in which he says he doesn’t trust anyone, which is a pretty major hurtle to get over. It’s not a stretch to assume Prowl is lying.

He never makes a move like that without a purpose, though. By referring to the Lost Light crew as his friends, he gets Bumblebee to relax and see things from his own perspective, giving him an opportunity to talk about the more pressing security issues they are facing. This, in fact, is Prowl’s go-to strategy: identify the person in power and get close to them, thereby giving him the ability to watch over how that power is wielded.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #1. Prowl speaks to Bumblebee over his shoulder. Prowl: “Look. every day, I watch the sun go down and wonder if we can make it another night without them. If I even want to.” Bumblebee: “Huh. I mean, yeah. Me, too.” Prowl: “I’m not emotionless, Bee. I care about Rodimus and Magnus and the rest as much as you do. But look at the situation logically.” End ID.]

That said, I don’t think Prowl is lying here. Despite how warped his worldview becomes, I do believe that at his core, Prowl wants what is best for Cybertronians (well, Autobots). Many of his darker plans were created with the intention to keep people alive, so regardless of his personal feelings to them, he is not “emotionless” and does feel something over their deaths.

[ID: First screenshot from Robots in Disguise #2. Bumblebee smirks at Prowl, holding up his electrocuting cane. Bumblebee: “Heh—same old Prowl. Wheeljack whipped it up the other day.” Prowl: I’ve got to have a talk with Wheeljack.” Second and third screenshots from Robots in Disguise #3. Panel 1: Bumblebee frowns at Prowl. “Enough! Prowl—shut up. Metalhawk has a point.” Panel 2: Prowl looks furious. Bumblebee is holding him back from lunging at someone off-panel. Prowl: “Bad move…” Bumblebee: “Down, Prowl.” End ID.]

I don’t have much to say about these scenes, except that I like them as an illustration of their dynamic in this part of the story. Cold, confrontational, and yet with a degree of familiarity I would’ve thought more fitting to a much older connection. I really can’t imagine the Prowl from half a million years ago, talking at Bumblebee about the folly of their commander, allowing himself to be held back and calmly talked down. Through their work together, something is developing that we might almost mistake for genuine friendship.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #4. Arcee: “Come on. I know you didn’t destroy it. You’re not that hard. But you are cold and calculating. Enough that even Bumblebee—even your only friend—thinks you might’ve.” Arcee: “Bee won’t say it. But you know that’s what he’s thinking.” Prowl: “It doesn’t bother me. Bee doubts everything. Even himself.” End ID.]

“Even Bee—even your only friend—thinks you might’ve.”

“Bee doubts everything. Even himself.”

The same phrase is used twice in the conversation to distinguish Bumblebee as an outlier (not the superpower kind, though maybe his ability to tolerate the Worst People should be considered). For Arcee, it’s in his proximity to Prowl. Prowl’s use of the phrase is a little more ambiguous, though. Is he saying that one should have faith in oneself if nothing else? It definitely fits in his worldview. Or is he saying Bumblebee is worthy of being trusted, believed in?

If so, what does that mean? Bumblebee would take Prowl’s endorsement as faith in his abilities as a leader, but we already know Prowl doesn’t view leadership that way. He needs to get an Autobot elected, and Bumblebee specifically, because he needs someone in power he can get close to and control. Bumblebee’s leadership, though perhaps not Bumblebee himself, offers Cybertron a path towards peace. So, actually, Arcee and Prowl mean the same thing: Bumblebee is special because he’s the person Prowl is closest to.

This is also the first indication we get that Bumblebee does not trust Prowl so fully as Prowl wants. As sneaky as Prowl is, it’s easy to forget sometimes that Bumblebee is his own agent with his own ability to measure the facts. He wants to trust Prowl, but that doesn’t blind him to Prowl’s reputation.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #5. Ironhide and Prowl cluster around Bumblebee, who looks contemplative. Prowl: “Think about what they’re say about you in the future, Bee! The Autobot that let the Decepticons go free?!” Ironhide: “He’s right—a little. Think about what the future can be. Cybertron’s our world,and tomorrow’s our day…” End ID.]

We get to see more of Bumblebee soon after, since Prowl gets cerebroshelled. Bomb-Prowl is much more ruthless than the genuine article, expressing little care for the lives of any Cybertronians, but nobody notices it around Prowl’s standard prickly persona. Bumblebee experiences growing unease with Bomb-Prowl’s methods, though interestingly does not dismiss him for it. Consider the above scene: a fight has just broken out. To resolve it, Ironhide, Starscream, and Ironhide recommend removing the Decepticons’ ID chips. Prowl is the sole voice of dissent, and Bumblebee chooses to ignore him while also maintaining their partnership.

Bumblebee can think for himself and say no to Prowl. This situation is not just Prowl manipulating and taking advantage of Bumblebee: the latter is fully capable of making his own decisions.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #11. Bumblebee stands on the left and Prowl on the right. Bumblebee: “Am I wearing blinders because you’re my friend? Are you even my friend?” End ID.]

When Omega Supreme is attacked, Bomb-Prowl accuses the Decepticons, opening himself up for scrutiny: Metalhawk accuses him of killing Ratbat. Bumblebee starts to express his doubts openly and he questions not only Prowl’s innocence, but their relationship altogether. (Also, though literally Bumblebee is asking, “Can I consider you, Prowl, a friend?” his question can also be read as, “Are you who you say you are?”)

Bumblebee’s question doesn’t imply he trusts Prowl. He doesn’t even trust himself: he’s wondering if their friendship has installed in him an implicit bias in Prowl’s favor. There is a possibility his feelings regarding Prowl are strong enough to warp his perception of reality, and he’s worried that he can’t see what's obvious to everyone else. In contrast to previous leaders Prowl has watched over, Bumblebee is aware of his ability and willingness to manipulate those around him. He’s not under any illusion that Prowl is honest with him all the time, but he also isn’t confident enough in himself to remove Prowl’s influence.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #11. Bumblebee: “Then I want to get back to finding Ironhide and the others, because he’s my friend and friends look out for each other.” End ID.]

There is also the matter that he does consider Prowl a friend. Not a good friend (as in caring, respectful, thoughtful), but nevertheless one he does not want to lose.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #14. Panel 1: Bumblebee shoves Metalhawk aside and reaches for Prowl, who is collapsing to the floor. Bumblebee: “Prowl—I—” Panel 2: Prowl lies on the floor. Prowl: “Bee… it wasn’t… wasn’t me… How could you not… see that?” End ID.]

I think the feeling is mutual. Prowl’s not angry at Bumblebee for falling for the Decepticons’ trap.

He’s hurt that his friend didn’t notice he was gone.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #16. Ironhide helps Prowl up. Prowl: “…I’m me.” Ironhide: “Got too much of an ego ta be anybody else.” Prowl: “I—I needed to hear—” Bumblebee (off-panel): “Later, Prowl…” End ID.]

Their relationship starts to go downhill from here. After breaking free from Devastator, Prowl actually tries to talk about his feelings, and Bumblebee dismisses him. To be fair, there are other things going on that need their attention, but Prowl is never given an opportunity to process what he has been through. Bumblebee, who excels at talking to people and helping them through their problems, never offers a space for Prowl to open up about his experience, and it’s the internalization of his trauma that leads to Prowl’s emotional degeneration through the rest of the series.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #18. Panel 1: Bumblebee hunches over his cane, struggling to stand. Bumblebee: “It’s *kaff*… Well, I don’t want to know *kaff kaff* what’s going on in his mind, but… Prowl didn’t do any of the *koff* terrible stuff.” Panel 2: Bumblebee stands in front of Prowl, facing the reader. Bumblebee: “He was *kaff* being controlled by Bombshell. I mean obviously he didn’t *koff* kill you guys—he didn’t blow up the Decepticon pen. He *kaff kaff* wasn’t running a secret war. He didn’t *koff* have Ratbat eliminated.” End ID.]

I don’t think Bumblebee is being intentionally malicious, though. Consider all the times Prowl has had to say outright that he feels things and has emotions: I think it’s more accurate to say Bumblebee didn’t believe him. The doubts he felt about Prowl were never with regard to his intentions, but rather the way he interacted with and understood the world around him. Bumblebee, going by the reputation Prowl made for himself, doesn’t believe Prowl processes events the same way he does, and as a result falsely assume that his mind control and forced combination will have no greater impact on Prowl.

And then even Bumblebee’s faith in Prowl’s intentions is shaken when Arcee reveals he did call for Ratbat’s assassination. Bumblebee is so betrayed he passes out.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #18. Panel 1: Ironhide grins to the side while Bumblebee holds a fist to his mouth, coughing. Ironhide: “Aw. An’ everything was goin’ so well…” Bumblebee: “Prowl. Why—what—*kof kofff* *koff kaf*” Panel 2: Bumblebee’s hand reaches up as he collapses. Bumblebee: “*kaf kaf* Nnnggggh…” End ID.]

The next time they interact is in Dark Cybertron. Getting close to the end, here!

[ID: First screenshot from More Than Meets the Eye #23. Bumblebee points his gun up to the off-panel Titan. Prowl stands beside him. Bumblebee: “What?!” Prowl: “You talked a good game with the Dinobots. But you need to act, too. When you were in charge of the city, you were paralyzed.” Second screenshot from Robots in Disguise #23. Panel 1: Prowl, yelling: “You’re hesitating again! Look at us! We’re teaming up with the enemy and letting Starscream do whatever he wants?!” Panel 2: Bumblebee, with a steadying hand out, stands in front of Soundwave. Bumblebee: “Prowl, shut up for once. All your attitude ever got us was… was the Constructicons.” Soundwave: “The Constructicons stand with you?” Bumblebee: “Long story, Soundwave. And this isn’t a team up. We just happen to have the same objective.” Panel 3: Prowl points at Soundwave. “Then do something! Don’t just let this—this—Decepticon control you!” End ID. Third screenshot from Robots in Disguise #23. Prowl holds up a struggling Arcee while yelling at Bumblebee. Prowl: “You let this happen, Bee! We attack now!” Bumblebee: “Prowl, get your priorities in order—” End ID.]

Evidence of Prowl’s trauma starts to become more visible. The comradery they shared before is gone; Prowl’s methodical approach to problems is gone. Instead, he is scared and impulsive, and he takes out his new anxieties on his “only friend” because Bee is the one thing he’s supposed to be able to control.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #26. Panel 1: Bumblebee and Prowl stand amidst flaming wreckage. Hound (off-panel): “Where’s Megatron?” Bumblebee: “He’s… I think he’s gone. He took the thumb and ran.” Prowl: “Dammit. You should have never done back for him, Bee.” Panel 2: Bumblebee grabs Prowl’s neck. Bumblebee: “Prowl, you smug piece of—” Prowl: “Uk!” Panel 3: Bumblebee releases Prowl. Bumblebee: “I’ve had enough of your self-righteous second-guessing…” End ID.”

But he can’t. Bumblebee has gotten used to ignoring Prowl or refuting him. Add to that Prowl’s heightened emotional state, and Bumblebee responds to his criticism with open aggression. Stuck in crisis mode like they are, there is no way for them to reset and calm down until the Titan is finally taken down and everything comes to a standstill for a moment.

[ID: Screenshot from More Than Meets the Eye #27. Prowl leans close to Bumblebee, gesturing to his head. The Constructicons linger in the background. Bumblebee: “Oh, good. I was hoping your friends would could out of hiding.” Prowl: “They weren’t—I mean, they’re not—They just shared my memories. The Decepticons exploited my—my—my head!” End ID.]

And with this, we cycle back to their first conversation in Robots in Disguise. Before, Bumblebee used the word “friends” to criticize Prowl’s Decepticon enforcers and the freedom they were granted to terrorize the neutrals. Prowl, known to circumvent the chain of command, decided to forgo it almost entirely in that case, creating a violent, lawless group that did not fit into the military structure the Autobots still relied on.

Now, he uses “friend” to refer to the enthusiasm the Constructicons have for Prowl. Prowl’s deceit has been brought into the open, legitimizing Bumblebee’s fears and forcing him to question all over again his role as a leader. The doubts he had in himself and Prowl are tied together, so that even with the knowledge that everything that happened to Prowl was out of his control, he still feels threatened by the Decepticon presence Prowl now carries with him.

And even though he’s met with this kind of hostility, Prowl still comes back to Bumblebee to continue work as his advisor. He’s got a group of bots literally right there who trust him and support him without reservation, but he chooses Bumblebee because he still believes in their power to do right by Cybertron.

[ID: Screenshot from More Than Meets the Eye #27. Prowl stands on the left, Bumblebee on the right. Prowl: “Bee—we stopped his plan, but Shockwave is still out there.” Bumblebee: I know, and you’re totally right, and anything less than a perfect attack plan and we’re sunk—so I need you to come up with one. In the meantime—mingle. There has to be somebody you want to say ‘hi’ to.” Prowl: “Actually…” End ID.]

This is the last time they talk to each other. Prowl reminds him of the impending danger, Bumblebee is grateful for his expertise, and then he encourages Prowl to go relax. There’s something to be said for the fact that upon leaving Bumblebee’s side, Prowl immediately seeks out his ex, but I think it’s mainly just that he’s lonely rather than anything nefarious. He’s lonely, and despite their distrust and criticism and generally poor treatment of each other, Bumblebee is someone who accepts his company, a rare thing that’s he’s going to lose very soon.

When I first read the words “best friend,” I assumed Prowl was lying. I also assumed, even if that was true, it would not hold in the reverse. I think I’ve changed my mind on both counts. Prowl didn’t pursue Bumblebee with genuine intentions, but they both ended up getting something out of it. It’s not a healthy relationship, but at a tumultuous time in their lives it might literally be the best they can do and in their own ways, they trust they’re going to look out for each other.

[ID: Screenshot from Robots in Disguise #18. Bumblebee, with his cane, leans on Prowl as they leave the ruins of Iacon. Their plating bears obvious damage, and ash and dust float through the air around them. End ID.]

[decepti-thots]

💙

[put 💙s in my ask and I’ll tell you an AU I’ve come up with but never written.]

i am taking this meme as an excuse to talk about the time i tried to sit down and think really hard about what you'd have to do to make a faction swap AU for minimus work remotely logically. (in case anyone couldn't tell, i find this idea really interesting; trying to keep a character fundamentally the same character while still logically justifying them being on an ideologically different "side" is SUCH a challenge and i love it, lmao.)

this one will be long. haha.

it's difficult to get to that initial setup, because minimus is someone who sincerely believes that fundamentally, a core part of good morality is following the rules laid down to avoid sending everything into inevitable chaos that hurts people. even when things are unjust or wrong and still "allowed" under the system, his instinct is to find ways to do it "right" within those confines, not to object to the strictures that allow that injustice to exist period.

but i don't think it's impossible to imagine him breaking with that under extremes; strictly speaking, when tyrest was changing the accord/law to allow all his awful bullshit, on luna-1, that was also fully allowed within the system as it was set up. tyrest was, strictly speaking, entirely within his rights to just rewrite the law to make all that objectively evil shit he was doing "allowed". and minimus blew his head off for it when it became clear just how unacceptably far he'd gone. i don't think it's an insurmountable hurdle.

so you get him in there. now what?

there are a lot of ways you could take it, but i think an interesting angle would be that the decepticon army does not have a lot of beauracrats, and could probably desperately use someone who can do that, and do it well. (i'm sure tarn would agree.) this has the added bonus of keeping obsessively moralising minimus away from the worst of the gradually escalating atrocities that would inevitably lead to it becoming unacceptable to maintain his loyalty to the faction... for a time. it's something of a double edged sword for minimus right from the get-go; on the one hand, he would be a very essential part of something that is Important, and he would have absolutely severed himself from his previous life that he has such hangups about.

on the other hand, i've said before, i think an often overlooked element of minimus' characterisation is that he wants to be something bigger than himself. like, that's a huge part of the motivation for taking on the armour. it's easy to see his character archetype and slide into the obvious archetypal idea of "overly strict guy surrounded by reckless idiots wishes they could just have a nice quiet day for once, wants to settle down and do boring shit forever and not get dragged into all this", but actually, minimus put on a dead guy and went out to be a big, dramatic hero and was so distraught at the idea of that being taken away from him he had a fucking breakdown. so maybe being an important but ultimately invisible cog in an increasingly violent machine isn't actually as good a fit after all.

you can make minimus a con, but you can't KEEP minimus a con. that's just not going to be maintainable without fundamentally changing the character. so minimus as a con is minimus who defects to the autobots, and here's a concept for that: he approaches them, and while they're disinclined to trust any defector, let alone with anything of importance, they're running out of loadbearers at this point, and the magnus armour has been empty for a while. it's starting to cause issues. they strike a deal to get him out without getting him on The List: they'll fake his death, shove him in the armour, modify it to make sure if he steps one single toe out of line it'll turn on him, put him under tyrest's extremely close watch, and in return he's their enforcer, with more inside knowledge of the decepticons' movements than anyone, and so he's very, very good at tracking them down.

they probably figured with the way they were burning through magnuses, they wouldn't have to deal with the balance of risk vs reward for very long. unfortunately for them, minimus canonically far outlasted literally every other bearer of the armour, so that didn't wind up being the case.

(one of the concepts i discussed with friends way back when vaguely spitballing this idea was the idea of him as a handler of sorts at some point- specifically, because i think their antagonism is REALLY interesting and underutilised in canon, i was interested in him at one point potentially being a handler for deadlock. that's not a *necessary* thing for this, but given deadlock's defection, it's interesting. minimus meeting drift on the LL and partly hating him so much because deadlock WOULDN'T defect until much, much later? hm.)

for minimus' part, the guilt he'd have at having fucked up so spectacularly with joining the cons would absolutely bring his zealotry about e.g. the code and proving himself to tyrest just up to 11. minimus as magnus has to be the most autobot an autobot can possibly be, and he can absolutely never be minimus, who aided such terrible things, ever again.

the reason i've never committed to writing this despite clearly thinking about it a lot? i just think actually nailing that knife edge balance of not going "ok well for the sake of making it work i'll just fudge the characterisation a little" would be. possible, but very hard. and i am not up to that level of scrutinising my own work right now. haha. but. maybe one day. who knows.

[princewarmachine]

starscream for the character thing?? :3c

Don’t mind if I do

Favorite thing about them?

This is difficult to say. I love, like, everything about him. He's just been a huge part of my childhood and I mean, I loved him ever since I laid eyes on him. Sounds crazy, but it's like we have a strange bond. I guess I love how he can be super complicated, and even in the G1 series you watch how he acts and how he interacts with the world and think, "How did he get to this point?". Something about how he always seems to die, and be resurrected sticks with me. And just every time I see him, I feel so excited. It really breaks my heart when his character is written poorly or treated poorly with no rhyme or reason. There is more to say on the subject, but I have no idea how to put it into words. I love him, dearly.

Least Favorite thing about them?

It's really hard for me to dislike things about characters because I feel that most of the time, in a story, every element and character adds something and is in its place, even if it seems useless. So, really, I don't ever feel anger at a character. But I mean, I am highly empathetic when I invest into fictional worlds. I would say, I dislike how dead end or cut off his storylines seem most of the time. I'm also really tired of the trope of him being abused and getting no sympathy in the writing. Or no redemption arc, when he is clearly set up to have one. I guess I'm saying, the thing I least like about him is his wasted potential.

Favorite Line?

He has a lot of really good lines, a lot of them stuck with me as a child. I would say that a line of his that stuck with me that hardest was this scene in G1 , where he is screaming "I'm stupid! I'm stupid!". It really disturbed me as a child how Megatron was treating him, and the way Starscream was so scared made me really upset. I could never understand why people found it funny. Now I realize that it's probably because the scene and the way he begs mirrored the abusive situation I was watching my parents go through. Weird, right? Otherwise, I'd say my favorite line is "Wanna bet?" :). It's the first time on screen we see Starscream TRULY betray Megatron, and I think it's just fucking crazy.

BroTP?

Sounds weird, but Grimlock and Starscream. This is pretty self indulgent, because Grimlock is my sibling's favorite transformer, and Starscream is my favorite. Also, probably Alexis and Starscream from Transformers: Armada. It really showed an intense friendship, and Armada is just so fucking good. One of the best versions of Starscream I've seen, and Alexis is just such a sweetheart to him and he really becomes soft in their friendship.

OTP?

Well, since I mostly ship G1 characters, there are endless possibilities. The thing with G1 characters is that, anything seems to go. It'll most likely be cute either way. Sooo... most of my ships are crack ships. That being said, Shrapnel/Starscream and Optimus/Starscream. But also, I will probably find most other ships with him in them cute. :)

nOTP?

I'm not a big fan of Megatron/Starscream, unless it's in Shattered Glass. Which is sad, there is so little series where they have a GOOD and healthy friendship, or even dynamic. I'd love to see that change.

Random Headcanon?

Hmm, I always like to imagine that he was a very decent person before the war. He had friends, he had a career in science, he seemed content. Then, with war, he became a much, much different situation.

Unpopular Opinion?

Haha, well I probably don't have a lot of unpopular opinions. Probably the one that fits the most in there is that I don't think of him as having bad intentions/being evil at the start of the war. I very much like to think that he is a very groomed individual, but I think that applies to all the transformers, Autobots and Decepticons. When you look at how all the characters act after knowing what a fucked up situation the military is, especially the US military, it puts it in a bit more perspective how absolutely brainwashed everyone is. Though, I do think that since most of the characters, especially Starscream, did not leave the war, and he especially craved the power the war gave him, the Cybertronian war just consumed their being. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I cannot sit here and positively feel good about my analysis of his character by just thinking "He's evil and a bitch". Though, I am adding a bit too much personal stuff on him, I will admit. Though, here's the thing! If you want to get a better idea on what I'm talking about with the corrupt military and such, you should listen to the podcast Eyes Left. It's two veterans who talk about their experience with being in the military, and why they became dishonorably discharged. For more perspective on how damaging being in the military is, I'd recommend listening to Jacob George's album 'Soldier's Heart'.

Song I associate with them?

There are a lot of songs, but I the first one that popped into my head was A Conversation with Death by Khemmis. I think it really captures some of my strange feelings to his deaths and reincarnations.

Favorite Picture of them?

Hard to choose, but here’s a funny meme @sasukes-divorce-lawyer made a while ago that I love to bits. I just giggle when I see it.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 43: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: This is not an exaggeration, everybody dies.

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon. I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we're going to be talking about episode number 43: The Golden Lagoon. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yep.

O: And today we open with the Autobots walking along a beach and Perceptor finding a rock.

S: And proceeding to nerd out about said rock and its unique properties.

O: The rock has both elements of gold and silver in it.

S: We've struck it rich!

O: [Laughter] 

S: Blitzwing orders Thrust and Ramjet to attack the group of Autobots looking at Perceptors rock, so, yeah, these guys have been lurking somewhere in the background.

O: I have to ask you- or- do they want the gold and silver? Because my good dudes, you just need to sell some, like, patents and shit and you'd be probably all set money-wise. 

S: Bragging rights, maybe? I mean, these guys seem like the sort of dudes that would just go and pick up a mini bot and, like, shake him upside down to get his lunch money.

O: Okay, but you just imagine they basically go back to base they're like, “We stole Perceptor's rock!” 

S: Well, possibly, “We stole Perceptor.”

O: Well, yes, I know but I'm just imagining him just stealing the rock. So, uh, Powerglide takes to the air to fight Thrust.

S: Meanwhile, Ramjet can't win in a fight against a hoverboat, as Seaspray both outmaneuvers him and drives him into the drink.

O: Then we get some tank-on-tank action as Blitzwing takes on Warpath.

S: Oh, Preceptor calls for Beachcomber's aid but apparently Beachcomber has bailed on this fight. I mean, the vibes were just getting him down, man.

O: Beachcomber exits some sort of cave that he apparently entered and then basically enters a lush, verdant hidden glade he calls a paradise.

S: I want to know why no one can see this from the air because this is very visible from the air- you can see the sky.

O: Yeah, like there- and I think what makes this even funnier is, like, at the start of this fight there were literally no less than four fucking planes in the air. 

S: Yep, so our robotic Dr. Dolittle, Beachcomber, speaks birb, fox, deer, bunny, and, somehow, armadillo. 

O: He's even able to pet the deer. I- do you know how skittish those fuckers are?

S: Super skittish. Beachcomber ignores his communicator and investigates a nearby small lake. A small, suspiciously colored lake. 

O: There's no good way to be delicate about this, guys. It's urine colored. 

S: Beachcomber, throwing caution and common sense to the wind, dips his entire hand into it. 

O: It turns gold and he exclaims that, “It's electrum!”

S: We'll get back to this later.

O: [Laughter] Moving right along.

S: Back in the fray, Ramjet gets his revenge coming out of the water underneath Seaspray.

O: The two tanks have to unbury themselves from the sand they have, apparently, inadvertently got buried in.

S: Yep, it looks like everyone's having a pretty bad beach day all around.

O: And then the ground around Beachcomber, in his said hidden glade, begins shaking and he transforms and heads back into the tunnel that he had entered the glade from.

S: Surprised that, uh, things didn't end badly for any of the critters, but I think he would have been very distraught.

O: Probably.

S: As if prophesized, Thrust spots the lake from the air and lands to examine it.

O: He decides he wants to be the shiniest and dives into the lake, turning him completely gold.

S: The Midas touch of robots and also how deep is this stupid thing?

O: Oh, yes, we get- we comment on that later. [Laughter] Beachcomber makes it back and Perceptor is understandably a little frustrated that he had bailed in the middle of a freaking fight.

S: Seaspray is able to shoot Ramjet down but Thrust arrives, seemingly invulnerable, with his fancy new gold coating.

O: None of which stops Perceptor from trying to shoot him with his handy-dandy hand missile.

S: The Autobots attempt different attacks against Thrust but eventually flee, leaving Perceptor and Seaspray behind. 

O: Thrust miraculously grows what we can only describe as claws and then scoops Perceptor up while in jet mode and flies off with him.

S: It's honestly pretty silly looking, if I remember right.

O: Yeah, it looked pretty silly. 

S: Yeah, Perceptor and Seaspray are brought to the Con base. Megatron gloats and Thrust is like, “Hey, guys, I found a ton of electrum.”

O: And then Starscream says he needs proof of Thrust’s claim but Megatron responds with, “I don't care what you need.” You know, it's been a while since I was- I feel like it's been a while since when you've seen these two idiots bicker like this.

S: Yeah, because they didn't really do it during the, um, shoot, the Constructicon brainwashing thing.

O: Yeah, like, you know, normally, I felt like that was a situation where they'd start bickering but instead Megatron was like, “No, no, no, sweetie, we've got an escape route.”

S: [Laughter] Yep, so, yeah, Megatron and Starscream bicker further as they arrive at the electrum fountain.

O: Megatron volunteers Starscream as the first test subject for the electrum.

S: Starscream seems, you know, quite hesitant, dipping one foot into the water until Megatron tells him to, “Go!” And then Starscream proceeds to jump in like a six-year-old: holding his nose and doing a weirdly adorable cannonball. 

O: It is very, very stupidly cute.

S: Mm-hmm.

O: And then Starscream exits and I'm pretty sure Megatron just wanted an excuse to shoot him in the face here.

S: Yeah, yeah I totally agree and, like Thrust, Starscream is invulnerable, even to fusion cannon blasts once he's got his shiny gold coat.

O: The other two Seekers and Megatron jump into the hole, too.

S: And once they're all back out they all proceed to shoot each other to test out their invulnerability.

O: In a shot that truly looks like a rave party.

S: It does- like, there's lots of lasers and glowy lights and everyone's just kind of flailing around like twits. 

O: And it really cracks me up because, I swear to god, the first thing that happens when Megatron gets out of the pool is Starscream shoots him in the face and laughs. 

S: The poor animals are cowering as all of these shots bounce off the Cons and bounce out into the glade itself doing, you know, lots of damage.

O: As you would expect from giant robot fucking lasers. Elsewhere, a group of Autobots prepare a rescue mission.

S: The group is comprised of Warpath, Powerglide, Smokescreen, Beachcomber, and Mirage. 

S: Beachcomber has not told anyone about the electrum spring and is hiding his gold hand. Then, of course, we cut back to the Cons who, we see, have all taken a dip in the electrum.

S: When giant robots go swimming does this count as skinny dipping? Are they now considered to be wearing something if it's a coating?

O: I just have one thing to say to you: GOLDMEMBER!!!

S: Oh god. So all of these, you know, spruced up Cons attack the rescue party.

O: Obviously the Decepticons continue to not take any fucking damage right now.

S: Yep, Mirage turns invisible and heads back for some reinforcements and then, uh, Smokescreen generates smoke and Megatron shows off his problem-solving skills.

O: With enough bullets you can solve anything! Or at least hit Smokescreen in his cloud of smoke.

S: Yep, and the entire group of Autobots is captured, save for Mirage who did make it back to base and rallied reinforcements.

O: The Autobot reinforcements don't seem to be too worried about the invulnerable Cons at all with Sunstreaker's response boiling down to, “Hit them harder!”

S: Yep, he's not thinking with his head there, is he? He's taken out almost immediately and ends up upside down in car mode.

O: So I'd say he didn't hit them very hard, wouldn't you?

S: Well, did more damage to him.

O: So, as their shots continue to bounce off the cons, Beachcomber says that, “They found the Golden Lagoon!”

S: That's not a lagoon. A lagoon really needs to be connected to an oc- to the ocean or some other body of water. I mean, that was a glorified puddle.

O: At best. 

S: Yeah.

O: At the Decepticon base, Starscream is mugging for the camera, singing the praises of electrum.

S: Seaspray and Perceptor, as entertainment, are made to fight each other.

O: Soundwave’s like, “Yo, this is not sanctioned by HR,” to Starscream. 

S: You did not do the paperwork or get the approval for this, Starscream, at all.

O: Nope. And Starscream just sort of waves him off and doesn't seem to care what Megatron's gonna think.

S: Soundwave leaves the room presumably to report Starscream’s aft for HR violations.

O: The few remaining Autobots then ask Omega Supreme for help while Beachcomber heads back to the lagoon.

S: Perceptor and Seaspray shoot out a wall and attempt to escape but are stopped at the elevator when Megatron exits with Blitzwing and Beachcomber.

O: Because if we didn't specify before, Beachcomber got captured when he returned to the lagoon.

S: Yeah.

O: Megatron gets pissy at Starscream for his insubordination and says that he gets the honor of getting chucked into battle against Omega Supreme first. 

S: Even Omega Supreme's blasts are unable to damage the Cons, unfortunately.

O: So, really wasn't much of a punishment. Megatron wants to finish Omega off personally and considering he and Starscream are bickering this episode it's Soundwave that gets the honor this time- go around.

S: Yep, one shot from Megatron's alt mode knocks Omega on his back. 

O: When we return from the commercial break Starscream is standing on top of Omega Supreme, like a big game hunter after a kill. 

S: Yeah, Starscream does not have much in the way of taste.

O: Taste, tact, subtlety... 

S: Yeah, back at the Autobot base, Teletraan I warns the Autobots about electrum and Optimus orders survey teams to be sent out to find it.

O: Powerglide drags his ass out of the water back onto the beach from the beginning of the episode and spots the Cons flying to the Golden Lagoon.

S: He reports back to Prime and then we cut to the Decepticon base.

O: Megatron tells Starscream he can do whatever he wants with the Autobot prisoners. 

S: Skywarp enters Beachcomber’s cell but Beachcomber gets the drop on him and incapacitates both him and Thundercracker... Beachcomber: stealth geologist. Because he was- he was, like, clinging to the ceiling?

O: Like, my boy, you got skills!

S: He does, he does.

O: He then releases Perceptor and Seaspray and they attempt another escape.

S: And at this point they have stolen, uh, some null rays or... the guns the Seekers wear on their arms.

O: Yeah. 

S: This time they succeed because Seaspray is very well suited to be in the water.

O: And the three arrive back at the golden puddle just in time for Longhaul to dump a bunch of empty barrels on Dirge and tell him to fill them up.

S: Everyone's pushing work on everyone else. Dirge is not happy about being left to guard the electrum by himself but he doesn't get very much time to explain or complain about anything as Seaspray pulls him into the bushes.

O: All the scientists are feral this episode and I, for one, love it. 

S: Yup. Perceptor and Seaspray steal both of his guns. 

O: Thankfully, Optimus and co arrive just afterwards. 

S: Then it's time for the ~Autobot pool party!~

O: As they, too, jump in and get all glammed up.

S: The Decepticons realize they've been duped when the Ark is empty and filled with dummies and not even the interesting moving, clothed dummies that, like, were at the beginning of the series.

O: And, no, not the Dinobots, either. 

S: Yep, I think they'd get along with, um, Beachcomber. though.

O: I would hope so, I don't know if we ever really see them interact though?

S: I don't, either, I just- I think they would get along- I think that would be a fun team up to watch.

O: Yeah. 

S: Ah, so the Decepticons turn around and head back for the Golden Lagoon only to arrive to find some glammed out Autobots, including a whole-ass Omega Supreme.

O: I don't even know how they managed that.

S: I guess the water must be really deep because he comes straight out of it.

O: I guess?

S: Or crouched in it?

O: It does not make any sense. Uh, predictably, a fight ensues. Of course, no one's shots are doing anything and further bouncing off of them.

S: And lighting the surviving enviro- the surrounding environment on fire, that wasn't already trashed.

O: The electrum on the Decepticons begins to wear off and the battle changes in favor of the Autobots.

S: Yep. Megatron, much like a toddler, decides that if the Cons can't have the lagoon then they're going to blow it the shit up on their way out. Ah, this reveals that the lagoon was pretty wide but honestly not that deep. Like it certainly wasn't deep enough for Omega Supreme to go sit in it or, frankly, I don't even think that, like, Starscream should have been able to like dive in there?

O: Yeah, I don't know what was going on with this, but the Cons retreat and we end with Beachcomber looking very sad in the destroyed glade.

S: And the music that's happening here really does not match the somber mood.

O: Yeah, because it sounds, like, hopeful and kind of happy. You know, normal end-of-the-episode music.

S: Yeah.

O: That's it for this episode so join us next time for Quest for Survival!  Where Autobots are in desperate need of a gardener and poor Cosmos is stuck in a very unfortunate situation.

S: Yep, some things need some trimming and poor Cosmos is a bit- a bit caught in the middle, yeah. So, today we have two fanfic recommendations. The first is “Favorable Contributions” by Tiamatschild, which is set in the G1 cartoon continuity. It's rated K, it's Gen (more or less) but pairing-wise: it's a Beachcomber and Perceptor, and our characters are Beachcomber and Perceptor. In summary, “Knowing Beachcomber is fraught with peril. Embarrassing peril.”

O: [Laughter]

S: So, yeah, uh, the theme here is it's Beachcomber in nature! Sometimes embarrassing. And it's a one shot. This was something that I read a while ago and it's- it's cute and it's fun and there may or may not be an alligator involved. Or possibly a crocodile? Giant robots getting treed by a big reptile, anyway.

O: Well, we know- do know giant reptiles are their biggest weakness if the dinosaur episode where the Decepticons were getting mowed down is any indication.

S: Yeah, very much so. And the second recommendation is “One Step At A Time” by one_starry_night. Continuity: it's a G1 cartoon continuity, it's rated K, Gen, there are no pairings and the characters are Beachcomber, Perceptor, Powerglide, Warpath, and Seaspray, though Seaspray doesn't really say anything, he's just hanging out. And this is specifically following the events of the Golden Lagoon. In summary, “Perceptor figures out a way to cheer Beachcomber up.” 

And I picked this one because it's an episode follow-up which- Beachcomber getting some closure would be nice.

O: Right!? Right!? Instead of him just being sad.

S: Yep. And this one is a one-shot, so let's go over to Owls.

O: All right! Our fanartist for today is Sarah Stone or Fayren, they do Prime the- the stuff I'm recommending, anyway, is mostly Prime fanart but they are actually an official artist from the IDW Windblade run which is very, very pretty if you have not seen it and I do recommend reading it. Um, Starscream is a bastard but hopefully you're used to that at this point.

S: Yeah.

O: Um, as I said we've only linked some Prime fan arts. Uh, we have a collection of Decepticons in glasses.

S: Nice.

O: And then we have a humanformer Soundwave which might be my favorite humanformer Soundwave design. It's his design from Prime and he kind of looks like a weird sci-fi mage-y thing. It looks neat. Uh, complete with a- with an actual bird Laserbeak. And then, uh, we have Ratchet and, uh, Knock Out in a fight. 

S: Knock down, drag out doctor fight.

O: Apparently.

S: Yeah, they just they both look like they're going to trash each other.

O: Oh yeah, she is a fayrenpickpocket on Deviantart and IInstagram. She is just fayren on Twitter and then on Tumblr- her Tumblr is monsterboysandrobots although, be warned, she has not updated there in over two years, so. I think she's still fairly active on Instagram and Twitter, if you do want to follow her, I would check there first. Any other links will be available on our Tumblr.

S: Yep, and just- I would like to note that her colors are gorgeous.

O: They are. I-I was trying to figure out because I couldn't remember if she did the colors for the Windblade run or if somebody else was the colorist. We can't remember but the colors are super gorgeous in the Windblade run. It's part of why it's so pretty.

S: Yes.

O: Um, so if she didn't do it, whoever the colorist was for that one did a fantastic job.

S: Yeah.

O: Also, you know, just side mention, the cutest Waspinator in existence is in that run, I just want you all to know this.

S: She does have a very cute Waspinator.

O: He's a fuzzy boy!

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few.  And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3!  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: I’m Owls.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[the-odd-job]

Ashes of Icarus chapter 18 - Coming Undone

Warnings: Chose Not to Use Category: Other Fandom: Transformers Characters: Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Megatron, Ratchet Relationships: Megatron/Sunstreaker, Sideswipe & Sunstreaker Additional Tags: Dubcon, Unplanned Pregnancy, Mechpreg, Sticky Words: 2359

( Previous )

Tick tock, the time traveled on—too fast for comfort. 

Sunstreaker didn’t make a move in any direction though. He didn’t announce his pregnancy to the Autobots any more than he told Ratchet about Megatron. And even when the months rolled onward… Megatron didn’t make good on his threat.

But it was anxious waiting, knowing that any single moment the tyrant could. He had no way of knowing, and he doubted he would get any warnings.

He only had to wonder what method Megatron would use to decisively destroy Sunstreaker’s life (further than he already had, anyway). Megatron did everything decisively. There was no reason to think Sunstreaker would be any exception, once Megatron set his mind on him.

Or on the sparkling, rather. Sunstreaker doubted it mattered one bit who the carrier happened to be, just that the sparklet was Megatron’s. What had been the tyrant’s options? Give no fucks and let Sunstreaker do whatever he wanted with it, demand that it be terminated, or… As he had seemingly chosen, enforce his claim and rights to it.

Regardless of what Sunstreaker thought about that.

Was any of this more than a ploy to get Sunstreaker to his side, because that would, by extension, bring the sparkling to him? There had never been any emotions involved in their liaisons, had there? At least there had been none on Sunstreaker’s part—other than lust and thrill, anyway. Physical things, the enjoyment of each other’s frames…

But nothing about emotions.

He highly doubted it was any different for Megatron.

Of course, then that whole thing had led to the creation of new life, and didn’t that complicate things fast and hard. Now Sunstreaker by all appearances mattered, if only because he was the carrier. Still, that was probably the depth Megatron’s caring went, and he’d turn back into nothing but a pretty fling once he’d delivered the sparkling.

That didn’t particularly motivate him to take Megatron’s offer and defect. He had very little hopes of a future among the Autobots… But did he have any more of a future among the Decepticons, once the sparkling had separated?

Weeks went on.

Months.

Megatron never stopped trying to pressure him into some alone time with the tyrant, as much as battles were his only opportunities to even do so, these days. They still didn’t take the longest, riskiest patrols, nor did they stray far from the Ark or populated areas on their time off.

But Primus, the battles. He could hardly focus on the actual battle from the miniature one he had with the Decepticons no doubt ordered to get him within Megatron’s reach. Half the time it didn’t even look like Megatron was interested in being secretive about it—which made sense, considering he’d already threatened to make everything public.

He didn’t know if he was getting paranoid, or if the other Autobots—on top of Ratchet—started to suspect something was up. Was he getting more looks than usual? Did Prowl look a bit more calculating than he always did? Was Jazz frowning behind his visor?

Pits, was he imagining it all or not?

He knew he wasn’t helping matters himself, though. He had barely let up on his bad attitude since they had discovered the sparkling, and for even him to continue with the bad blood for this long… It wasn’t usual. His moods were supposed to fluctuate. 

Now it was always one word away from tearing into everyone.

Primus bless Sideswipe. His brother was the only one that kept him from glitching slagging weekly, always removing him from situations that were threatening to turn too stress inducing, playing the buffer between him and the rest of the world.

No one needed to know how close to snapping he now came on the regular. Ratchet though… He was pretty sure Ratchet suspected.

He got slagged practically every battle, all thanks to the ‘Cons paying way too much attention to him. That naturally landed him into Ratchet’s care.

And whenever he was brought online, Ratchet gave him a look. It could be just about the sparkling… But it could also be about the fact more strings of old, long dormant code were starting to online as the fucking stress in his life kept continuing.  

He wasn’t particularly stable anymore, was he?

It could also be that Ratchet was among those who supposedly noticed the ‘Cons treating him a bit different nowadays. That they for sure slagged him while trying to get him to do as they—Megatron—wanted of him, but never to the point where his life would’ve been at risk. Megatron’s doing too, no doubt. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to his precious sparkling.  

More than once he could feel Ratchet desperate to ask him things, no doubt wanting to know the identity of the sparkling’s sire that he still had absolutely no plans of disclosing.

But Ratchet didn’t outright ask, just talked about other medical things and—when there was no one else around to overhear—updated him on the sparkling’s health and progress.

Everything was going as it was supposed to, on that front. It was doing fine and growing stronger by the day.

One thing he didn’t have to worry about.

Everything else was plenty enough.

--------------------------------------------------------

“You’re avoiding me.”

He started and spun around on his heel as soon as the voice sounded behind him—that voice, his voice. 

Just in time to block the sword that would’ve generously cut into his chassis otherwise.

Sunstreaker swapped his gun for his own sword.

“Damn straight I am,” he hissed back, jumping back from Megatron’s next attack only to strafe to the side and cut into the goddamn mech’s arm when it moved to block the strike of his sword.

Then he was jumping back again. Megatron was relentless.

Apparently they both had some frustrations to air.

“The slag you’d expect after that stunt with Ravage?” Sunstreaker continued, keeping his volume low enough that no one would overhear them. The din of the battle around them at least worked to drown out their voices.

“I wouldn’t have needed to send Ravage if you hadn’t avoided me even before that,” Megatron growled at him. Sunstreaker barely got out of the way of another vicious attack.

Huh. It was almost like Megatron was trying to kill him.

“You sent Soundwave in your place because you were busy,” Sunstreaker snarled right back, returning each and every one of Megatron’s attacks with equal force.

There was no way he was going to let Megatron slag him without slagging him right back. 

“I have a war to win,” came Megatron’s argument.

Not valid enough. “And I’m carrying your fragging sparkling!” Sunstreaker growled out as quietly as he could. That was one thing he wanted no one else to hear. “I think that affords me some additional importance, you fragger.”

“I sent Soundwave because I trust him.” Megatron narrowed his optics at him. “I could have sent anyone else, too.”

“So that’s supposed to make me feel important?” Sunstreaker went back to hissing. Was it clear enough he wasn’t impressed?

Megatron growled at him and his next attack came with such speed and ferocity that Sunstreaker couldn’t avoid the deep cut across his chestplates. He grunted, then glared.

The tyrant already had a topic in mind to discuss next, though. “You haven’t told the Autobots yet.”

“Nor will I,” the twin promised.

“You want me to do it?”

Slagger. “Frag no,” Sunstreaker snarled. “They have no slagging business knowing.”

“They will find out eventually,” Megatron reminded him. “At the very least when your dear medic informs them. Is that what you want?”

“No!” Fraggit…

“It’s you, me, or the medic, Sunstreaker. You can’t hide it forever,” the warlord rumbled at him. Listing his options. Three, now? Wow, wasn’t that a lot.

Three flavors of fucked. 

“Go fucking frag yourself!” This time he didn’t say it quietly, in the way of something that was meant to stay just between them. Oh no, everyone could hear how much he hated the damn mech, as far as he was concerned. Let that become public knowledge.

“It is mine, too,” Megatron reminded him of that fact for good measure, although he had the decency to continue to keep his volume low.

Aside from the angry revving of his engine. 

Neither of them was enjoying this conversation very much, were they?

“Leave me the slag alone, you fragging bastard,” Sunstreaker growled, successful in cutting a deep gash on Megatron’s abdomen.

Denial—wasn’t that a lovely thing. How long could he deny that he couldn’t hide the sparkling forever?

How long could he deny Megatron’s right to it? 

How fragging long would Megatron let him get away with that?

“Megatron!”

...That was probably the first time in his life Sunstreaker was glad for Optimus’ interruption. He disengaged from the warlord when the Prime came barreling to the scene, ending their conversation right there and then.

Well, at least unless Megatron decided now would be a good moment to inform Optimus of what Sunstreaker had been up to behind his back. 

But the tyrant merely snarled at his nemesis and let Sunstreaker retreat from the scene. He slipped back into the rest of the battle, taking out his mounting frustrations on the tyrant’s troops.

---------------------------------------------

He landed in Ratchet’s care after the battle, of course he did. Ratchet was… Surprisingly quiet as he worked on him.

He had also suspiciously left Sunstreaker as the last one to be repaired, even though he wasn’t convinced he was the worst injured. The medbay was now empty aside from him, Ratchet, and Sideswipe.

It had both him and Sideswipe edgy, his brother standing next to the wall with a frown on his face and arms tightly crossed across his chassis. Sunstreaker wished he could have copied the posture, but Ratchet was welding his chestplates back together, undoing the slash Megatron had left on him—that had, coincidentally, cut straight through his insignia.

Or had that been Megatron’s intent? A bit of a hint for him?

Either way, he’d need to repaint it once all of his pieces were put back together. His chestplates were the last thing, so that would be very soon. 

It turned out, though, that he and Sideswipe were right to feel a bit apprehensive. Ratchet cleaned up the weld mark after he was done and made sure his chassis’ transformations still worked–

–And then he leaned on the berth next to Sunstreaker, staring not at Sunstreaker, but at the space between his braced arms.

All was quiet for a tense moment that was only filled by the sounds of their three frames… Then Ratchet spoke up. “It’s Megatron, isn’t it?” he asked. Both twins started, although really… Shouldn’t they have seen this coming?

Everything that had been happening, the Decepticons’, Megatron’s increased interest in him during the battles… And the latest battle where the warlord actually managed to corner him. If it was suspicious to everyone, how much greater indicators would they be to someone who already knew he was carrying? For a Decepticon?

But Ratchet continued with, “Was he the one to force you?”

...That probably shouldn’t have surprised them either. It would be so unlike Ratchet to think the worst of them, and if he thought it was Megatron… Well, would anyone deny Megatron had all the strength required to force even a warrior of Sunstreaker’s caliber? And that he was cruel enough to do so, too?

It didn’t matter what Ratchet thought, though. The truth was what it was, and the truth was that Sunstreaker had been a willing party the whole way.

He couldn’t blame this on just Megatron. He shared equal fault, and he could lie… But just as easily could that lie be proven wrong.

So what was he going to lie about? About who the sire was, or about the method of the sparkling’s conception?

Or would he tell the truth?

“Megatron?” Sideswipe asked incredulously, drawing the attention of both Sunstreaker and Ratchet. His brother blinked at the medic. “Why would you think it’s slagging Megatron of all mecha?”

Ratchet frowned. “Do you want me to list all the reasons for why I think it’s him?”

Sunstreaker growled. “Thanks but no thanks. It’s not Megatron, alright? Primus, Ratch.” 

So. How about he lied about both the sire and the circumstances of his ignition? That was going to work out great for him, right?

Ratchet’s frown deepened, though Sunstreaker wasn’t sure if it was because they told him he was wrong about the sire, or because they didn’t deny that Sunstreaker hadn’t been a willing party in the whole damn affair.

“Sunstreaker–”

“I’m fragging done discussing this, alright?” Sunstreaker snapped, throwing his legs off the berth and getting up. He was repaired already, wasn’t he?

Now all there was to do was repaint the insignia of the faction he had shown thorough disloyalty to.

How much longer would he even be allowed to wear the Autobrand?

How much longer did he want to wear it?

“This whole deal? Doesn’t concern anyone but me,” he continued in a growl. “So mind your own fucking business. Please.” 

Ratchet stared at him for a moment longer, and Sunstreaker glared back. Sideswipe took a step away from the wall, but–

Things didn’t explode, because Ratchet’s shoulders slumped. “Three months, Sunstreaker,” he said, quietly, and Sunstreaker knew exactly what he was counting down to.

Three months until Ratchet would check the spec ops’ records, compare the sparkling’s signature to known Decepticon signatures, and find a match in Megatron.

After they had just said it wasn’t him.  

Sunstreaker clenched his jaw, felt Sideswipe’s question of what to do–

And doubled down. “Whatever, Ratchet. Whatever.”  

Ratchet sighed, heavily, but Sunstreaker ignored that and instead headed for the door. He hadn’t been given permission to leave, but slaggit, he wasn’t staying either.

Not if this was what they’d be talking about.

But Sideswipe glanced back at the door… And Ratchet was still leaning against the empty berth, but now with his optics tightly closed and his face twisted in an expression they rarely ever saw the stalwart medic wear.

Pain.

The doors slammed shut behind them.

( Next )

[hanaby-3]

TransformFriday

Okay, this is an idea that I've been meditating for a long time but I think now is the perfect time to carry it out. Because my favorite comic book (Transformers MTMTE-LL) will soon come to an end, I have decided to carry out this idea: my own Top Ten of favorite transformers... drawing version! The truth is that the end of MTMTE and LL generates me many mixed emotions: on the one hand I am happy because at last I will be able to know the end of the story and I will not observe how my favorite series becomes the next infinitetale (I will not say names ... but we all know who they are ...) but on the other hand I'm so sad about it. This is a story that has marked me and I know that when the comic ends I will no longer be the same person as before. This (at least for me) is a special moment, comparable to when Inuyasha, Death Note and Evangelion ended. I remember fondly when I started reading it: back then I still had the hype of transformers prime and I was looking for more things about it and then a friend in a forum recommended Transformers More Than Meets the Eye and I started reading it (specifically I got it in chapter 18, the house of ambus) and I was speechless with what I found. All the characters were so similar and at the same time so different from everything I already knew. I remember how I was surprised by the lore and all the mythology that had been assembling around the transformable robots and seeing how a world was created so unique and credible with such a cliche premise and yet I fell completely in love with it. I hallucinated with neurosurgery and empurata, I loved how action and psychology were balanced in about 20 pages in such a harmonious way, and the characters ... my god, the characters! I love how James Roberts takes you by the hand and makes you walk the halls of lost light with his characters, I remember being so sad with Tailgate's disease, getting excited about the battle between cyclones and Starsaber, to love and hate the same time to Tarn for his personality, to be moved for the scavengers, the evolution of rodimus and Megatron. For my Transformers it has not been another series of my childhood. James Roberts and Alex Minle have taught me what someone can do with dedication, hard work and a lot of imagination and their comics are not an empty reading. Thanks to this story I have learned so many important lessons from life and myself, I have come to learn how strong and courageous I can be. Thanks to MTMTE I was encouraged to write and draw my first comic, I learned that the hardest It is forgiveness to yourself, I have learned that it is not bad to ask for help and how powerful teamwork is, thanks to TMTMTE I wrote my degree thesis ... My God I can say it, Thanks to Transformers I got graduated! And finally, thanks to MTMTE transformers I still find the strength to continue doing what I like, which is to draw. That's why I decided to celebrate these last months of Transformers drawing my ten favorite characters and of course explaining why every Friday (of course the position 1 and 2 already know them, I'll leave you below the links if you're interested) because the end of this wonderful saga will also mark the end of a stage of my life and is that the truth, without TMTMTE I would be a completely different person and that is why it is and always will be one of my favorite series.

Top Ten

1.-Prowl    

If you have read any of the wreckers comics then you know that Prowl is a bastard. He is not a noble, kind, or honest hero, I can not even call him good. Actually Prowl is a villain who "fortunately" plays for the good side. If I had to define Prowl in a word that would be hate. He hates the decepticons, he hates the new cybertron, he hates his leader/friends for not listening him, even I think that sometimes he hates himself, his life and especially his failures and that's why I love it. I love the contradiction and the final message of Prowl: hatred has turned him into what he most detests. Ironically, Prowl is more decepticon than many cons and at the same time that hate is the fuel that drives him to improve every new plan and fight for a future and a peace that may get to destroy him. He is cruel, manipulative and ruthless but also has moments of weakness and even compassion ................. although he is still a bastard and has not been able to overcome his ex-boyfriend. I love Prowl because he is not a character, he is a person, he is very real and very human and the world and his own decisions have made him into what he is today.

2.- Starscream    

    Leaving megatron aside, my favorite decepticon is Starscream. Either in comics or in the animated series Screamer always amuses me and always manages to make me smile ... basically because I love to see him fail in everything he does. I do not joke, either bad luck or his own ambition always make him fail. If Prowl is hatred, Starscream is ambition. he reminds me a little the homuncle of FMAB Greed, he wants it all, power, wealth, fame, fear, respect and especially the decepticon leadership.

He knows he is the best option to be the leader of the decepticons and he is an incredibly ruthless person who does not hesitate to lie, murder and manipulate everyone to meet their own whims but like Prowl Star is much more than just ambition. I'm not going to say that he's not so bad or he can redeem himself or some stupidity of the style (I really hate that) but Starscream has a reason to be like that. He is an incredibly lonely person who has struggled to survive before, during and after the war. He has learned that he can not count on anyone because sooner or later they will betray him and that is why he only sees the people around him as pawns. He's logic: if you do not approach or attach to anyone they can not betray you. deep down he knows that sooner or later his bad deeds will overtake him and he must prepare himself.

And yet Starscrean has virtues as great as his flaws: he is incredibly determined and hardworking, when he wants something he does not skimp on resources, time or effort in getting it, he is extremely intelligent (probably not as much as Prowl but he is a force to have in account) and he always learns from his mistakes. I would say that's why he has had such a long reign in comics and even has moments of humanity and genuine compassion. Maybe he really wants to redeem himself ... but he knows that he is beyond all salvation and that for him it is too late.

3.-Cyclonus

The truth is that this is a character that I find it hard to talk about, basically because he is someone I love so much and I identify so much that I block myself. 

I will start strong: Cyclonus is my perfect waifu, he is a revision to the classic stereotype of the solitary warrior and constantly reminds us that every age, however dark or terrible it may have been, created beauty. Fuck, Cyclonus loves any form of art: music, writing, architecture and also he is a killing machine that can slice just about anyone, what else could you ask for? And in spite of him being so cultured he has a huge darkness inside him, of course Cy is fully aware of that and always tries to channel it ... with mixed results.

But the truth is that the feature with which I most identify with cyclonus is his sense of honor and loyalty, that is something that resonates a lot with me. The moment that I see Cyclonus is willing to do him on the side in order to ensure the happiness of the person he loves the most is something that makes my throat tighten. Besides that his relationship with Tailgate is the best yaoi I've read, let's be honest and he has the best sentence ever written. you want to know? You will have to read the comic because the spoiler is not from God.

4.- Megatron

Of course Megsi was to be in my topten, he is almost a god in my pantheon (sorry optimus). I love all the incarnations of Megatron except for the transformers prime novel (seriously, a revolutionary who hates the primes but he wants to be a prime …. what the hell?) But my favorite so far is the IDW Megatron , he is a very complex character that goes through different stages: fallen, self-discovery, acceptance, temptation, redemption … all a carousel of emotions. He pass from being a ruthless murderer to a pacifist in constant conflict with himself. Although my favorite aspect about megatron is its moral: we all deserve a second chance … but redeption is not as easy as bowing your head and apologizing. Throughout MTMTE and LL Megs works every minute of his life to redeem his mistakes even when he knows they are too big and as he advances towards his death he knows perfectly well that there is a possibility that no one will forgive him but that does not stop him. Megatron words always resonate strongly within me: We are all work in progress.

5.- RungMy second perfect waifu and a cinnamon roll too pure for this world. Rung is the most adorable autobot ever drawn … until he takes off his glasses and becomes the greatest latinlover ever created. But leaving aside my inclination for robots, Rung is an incredible character, I know that many joke about the theory which says that Rung is the self-inception of Roberts, but I think that rather Rung is the connection with the reader. He is a character that has been kept at bay from most problems by having a very convenient good luck, he is skinny, short, lovable, sometimes too much kind and he prefers conversation rather than confrontation but he is not weak On the contrary, Rung has incredible mental and emotional strength. he has not only endured that everyone, absolutely ALL mispronounce his name at least once, Rung listens to the problems and confessions of others around him to make a living; he literally knows the worst of all, he knows the darkness that dwells within each of his companions … and that never stops him from helping or comforting others. If I had to define the role of Rung in some archetype that would be the maternal one. Of course there are parents in fiction who are loving and protective, but the mother figure always ends up being kinder, the comforter and the one that drives you to improve and that is precisely the raxon for which I love Rung.I have met many maternal characters but what makes the difference with Rung (besides being male) is the moment in which (spoiler alert) during the kidnapping of Fortress Maximus, Rewind reproduces a part of the torture in Garrus 9 and Max, realizing that he is doing exactly the same as Overlord and reliving those horrible memories, he throws himself to the ground to mourn and Rung, with a patience of a saint, despite the kidnapping and even though Max had yanked his thumb out… he surrounds him with a kind arm and tells him that everything will be fine and everything ends for today. That’s something my mother could have done.Because deep down Rung is that, he is kindness and he teaches us the strength found in compassion and as the functionalist universe demonstrates, Rung possesses incredible strength of character and determination and he is capable of giving his life to save those who he care … and that’s a large number of people.

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[seriously-siri]

How would you describe megsies and roddy's relationship? As deep as yiu could make it would be appreciated ^^ thank you! - s

I ran a 10K today and basically spent the entire time thinking about this question. It’s… complicated.

Complicated at the very least. 

For me, it feels like watching a Shishi-odoshi fountain (those Japanese bamboo fountains that fill up and then tilt to the other side, empty, and repeat). There’s all this great stuff that happens; good words and actions and thoughts and decisions. Things that make it look like Megs is actually turning a new leaf and things that make it look like Rodimus won’t fuck up royally again.

And then it all shatters and flips and all that goodness is let loose like a flash flood streaming off the top of a cliff face. The aftermath is a sharp clank, a tidal splash of regrets, and a ripple of second guesses about each other. Then it all starts over again. 

The fall comes from both ends too. Megatron has a lot to “make up for”- really it’ll be impossible. He knows that; Rodimus knows that. Everyone does, but still, Rodimus watched and he yelled when Megatron was wrong and praised him when he was right. On the flip side, Megatron sees Rodimus and sees the outcomes of his snap rash decision and he does the same. Chastises him when he’s about to make a mistake and bows his head when he knows Rodimus is right. 

Let’s look at it from both sides:

Rodimus isn’t “young” and he’s not “inexperienced”, but that’s the way he is most often portrayed and seen by other characters and even the readers. He’s been around since before the war- never forget Nyon. He’s had more than his fair share of dark times, learning moments, and falls. He’s fucked up probably more times than anyone should, but he still goes forward and he still has his friends and supporters. You can chuck that up to his charisma or whatever, but I think it’s because of a number of other things.

Rodimus was a servant to society before he got super involved in the war. He is said to have helped the homeless and lost in Nyon. Nyon was the place to go to “get away from the war”. It was probably overcrowded, underfed, dirty, sick, depressing and full of death and despair. Basically any refugee camp you see on the news nowadays. Hot Rod took it upon himself to do whatever he could to make it a little better. Any better. He learned to persevere and push through no matter what, because if he didn’t no one there would. This sort of mentality, this sort of dedication to work back when he was young I think made him grow up too fast. He didn’t have that “learning stage” in his life. He just sort of looked out his window and decided that it wasn’t the time.

Then the war happened. You don’t get to learn in war. You either grow up and survive or you don’t and die. So now? Welp, he’s learning things he didn’t even know he still had to learn and it looks childish and immature (and don’t get me wrong he has his purposeful moments, but it’s all part of his charm) but more often than not I think Rodimus is more surprised at how far he’s got to go to become something akin to a normal ‘adult’. Even though that is impossible for him and he knows it and most importantly:

Megatron knows of all this.  

Never forget Megatron knows pretty much everything about Rodimus. He had his eye on Hot Rod back in Nyon. He sent Starscream to recruit him. He knew what Rodimus was capable of. He got intel throughout the entire war on Hot Rod and what he did and who he killed and his crazy stunts. Hot Rod wasn’t just some punk who was good with a gun. He was practically high command. He carried the matrix.  To me, it seems like Megatron lets him mess up sometimes. Steps in when the consequences will be bad and gets disappointed when it happens again.

But also? I have no doubt in my mind that Megatron sits back at least once a day, looks at Rodimus, and wonders what would have happened if he had said yes to Starscream and put on a purple badge (I mean, we know purple doesn’t look bad on Rodimus now). Can you imagine? The prospect, the regret, and everything else whirling around as what ifs and could have beens and just how different everything would? That was then and this is now and Megatron dwells in the past too much and he knows it so I’m a firm believer that he’s using this as an opportunity to work with him- like he could have then. Just under different circumstances.  

Rodimus was also a Wrecker. This is so incredibly important. The Wreckers were there to do what no else wanted to- more often than not it was cleaning up someone else’s epic fuck up. He’s good at cleaning up mistakes. He can clean up his own.

He looked up to and learned from bots like Springer, Impactor, and Kup. Kup is so important. Kup’s mantra in life is about giving second (or third or fifth) chances. It’s about seeing the potential in someone and letting it blossom like a flower after the season has supposedly passed. With a mentor like this, Rodimus A. probably knows that learning through trial by fire isn’t always a bad thing (and most of the time the best way), but B. that he should also give second chances to everyone. They can prove themselves or not, but Rodimus always lets them try. There’s Drift, who he became good friends with and then there was… let’s say Optimus who disappointed him again and again and again.

The ex-Decepticon became a better example than his leader.

Megatron’s not so different, ya? Except unlike Optimus, Megatron hasn’t given up. He didn’t leave his people stranded on a hostile planet and turn himself in. He didn’t throw out his name and take off in a spaceship to do whatever he wanted. He didn’t disappoint a whole lot once he joined the Lost Light. Not until that moment on Censere’s world that Megatron fully and entirely made up for.

Starting out the second time with Megatron on board Rodimus, very obviously, wasn’t happy, but it didn’t last long. There were some pissing contests along the way, but Rodimus, I think, learned a lot more about Megatron than he probably wanted, but that surprised him more. Rodimus probably knew about as much as everyone else did about Megatron (except Prime). He’s read Towards Peace and he’s heard the stories and talked to those who knew him pretty well.

Then he went to that other dimension and saw it all. He saw it and realized what Megatron was, who he became, why he became, and who he has now become. Rodimus is a really good judge of character (most of the time) and he clearly sees something that others don’t. And something that some of the others also see.

The only bot that wasn’t exiled from the Lost Light that went to the Functionalist Universe was Riptide and we don’t know why he stayed behind because he’s been glaringly silent. Rodimus is in the company of bots who see the changes Megatron’s made and it probably makes him more comfortable with his choice to trust Megs- even though I think he’d make the decision regardless.

As far as forgiveness goes I don’t think Rodimus has that in him right now. Especially in light of recent events. I do think that Rodimus wants to be able to forgive Megatron. Because of that, he lets a lot slide.

Terminus taught Megatron not to get attached to anything, and that worked really well considering Meg’s attachment to him basically cause the war after his disappearance, so Megatron isn’t going to get overly attached to anyone again Rodimus included. He knows what he might do. What he has done. In a way, I think he’s trying to be what Terminus was to him; just from a different angle.

Rodimus treats Megatron the way he wants to be treated. He gives him all the chances he needs to make up for his mistakes- cause Rodimus knows what it is like to fuck up time and time again and have people turn away. He also knows what it’s like to make up for his mistakes and have people embrace him for it. Because if he can’t learn to forgive Megatron he won’t be able to forgive himself.

They really aren’t so different. Both stubborn and rash and full of both fantastic and abysmal ideas. They see it in each other and both respect and hate that fact.

Yeah, it’s complicated.

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Vigor Mortis

This drag king and burlesque performer has his plate filled right now as the assistant of, and collaborator with, the great “Drag Race” queen Sasha Velour. But the Mister Coney Island 2017 competition is right upon us, which means it’s just about time for Vigor Mortis to take center stage once again!

Thotyssey: Hello there, Vigor! How was your week? Vigor Mortis: Crazy and great! The Velours and I just got back from LA; we were at DragCon, and decided to stay for the week for “Queen Kong,” a show produced by the Boulet Brothers. It was a wild and wonderful.

Tell us about DragCon for a bit! Did fans totally lose their shit for their favorite queens there? It is by far one of the craziest things I have ever experienced. Before they opened the doors to the convention center, you could hear a dull roar. And when they finally let them in, we could feel them running towards us. There were tears, someone almost fainted... I think we all understand how an artist’s work could really speak to someone, but when you see something like that it truly hits home just how much it really can mean. That must have been intense. But it's probably a great feeling to see all that love thrown at Sasha Velour... even if it might be a little terrifying! Haha! I can see how it could have been, but it was really just such intense love, and I totally get that because I feel the same way! Although I do try not to faint; I'd make a pretty rotten assistant! Were drag kings represented there in a significant way?

There definitely were a lot running around; unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to see too many unless they stopped by our booth. But I can tell from creepin' on Instagram that they showed up, and showed out in some amazing looks!

When you see Sasha and other queens going so big and far with their looks and makeup, does it sometimes feel limiting with a king's palette? Not at all! I think a common misconception is that kings have to adhere to any kind of social construct about masculinity. Masculinity can be beautiful, colorful, outrageous, elegant, bold, delicate, and is only really limited by toxicity. That's certainly true! How would you describe Vigor's style? Oooh, that's a wonderfully tricky question. Vigor is drawn to darkness, gore, and everything a little odd, but is also a vehicle for impersonation. I like to put different characters on and see what comes out. I've done everything from Uncle Fester and Chris Farley, to Phil from Disney's Hercules and a beanie baby. So I guess Vigor’s style is “your guess is as good as mine!”

A Man For All Seasons! So, let's get to the origin story: where's your hometown, and what were you into growing up, artistically speaking?

I grew up all over Connecticut, but I was born in Waterbury. It's really not the easiest place to be different. But my parents are super liberal and love the artsy fartsy shit, and encouraged it from a young age. No matter where our family was at--and even if we weren't having the easiest time financially--they would try to choose schools that had strong arts programs, which exposed me to crafting, fine arts, theater and music. I was also part of a children's dance group for about ten years, and actually have several years of experience dancing on Pointe. This helped develop my creative chops and intuition in a very big way. The first time I was ever put in drag was at age 15 I believe, at a summer camp dedicated to Shakespeare. My now-friend/then-teacher Rob asked me, once I had been cast as the role of Don Pedro, if I'd like to try it in drag. I hadn't come out as transgender yet, and was so far away from any kind of gender exploration, that I hadn't even considered the option! I just figured they'd change the characters name to Dame Pedra, or something like that. So we bought an ACE bandage, strapped my chest down, stippled on some beard, and went for it.

It's been a long and winding journey, but somehow I ended up here and I'm very grateful for that!

Did drag ultimately help you come to turns with your trans identity? I know that Theda Hammel, who dragged as Hamm Samwich, had mixed feelings about it because drag is a bit of a parody of gender on some level.

I can definitely see how a person could feel that way. There are some within the drag community that insist on a "right" way to do drag, which requires a performer to adhere to a lot of cisgender, heteronormative, general consumer society standards of beauty, body shape, and behavior. I have definitely encountered many spaces that are not interested in supporting the femininity they portray, or allowing space for masculinity that isn't abrasive and stereotypical "dudemanbro.” This is not the kind of drag that captures my attention really, or that I've ever tried to emulate. 

Putting myself in drag for the first time as an adult was an exploration in how I could be perceived. Being able to change the way I walked, talked, and carried myself gave me space to play with who I could possibly be. It gave me the courage to use performance as a shroud of protection, while I felt that out, and was still there for me when I was ready to come out. Since then, it's really helped me explore my understanding of both the masculine and feminine sides of myself, and still provides me with a space to play!

So, what about the Brooklyn scene first appealed to you? Pure talent, hard work, fantasy, and a punk as fuck attitude. I truly believe Brooklyn drag performers biggest competition is themselves, and they always want to do one better. Because of that, it's a very fast moving scene. You're associated with a drag/burlesque collective called Switch-n-Play, that does shows twice a month now at the Branded Saloon, and other appearances all over. How long have you been with them? I'm actually one of the babies! Switch n' Play was founded 2006, and has since rotated members. All of the founders are still out there somewhere in the wilderness, and it's always a thrill when one of them pops by to see a show! K.James is the longest standing member, he joined in 2008. I joined in 2015. Oh that's interesting, I had no idea they had such a long history! Can you describe a S-n-P show for the uninitiated? Well, I'd certainly advise you to come see a show for yourself. But you are guaranteed to find a show filled with all kinds of queerness, inclusivity, drag and burlesque performers of all kinds. And really amazing french fries. Branded Saloon does not mess around with the fries. That's important! 

So, tell us how you met the Velours, and when did you start performing/ creating art with them? I actually met Sasha at a Switch-n-Play show two years ago. [Her husband] Johnny was still performing on the Disney Cruise Ship, so I didn't have the pleasure until a bit later. Sasha and I were in adjacent scenes for awhile, but didn't really become friends until we came early to a show at Bizarre and hollered about the importance of monsters in folklore and mythology and how it impacts us and our understanding of how they are reflections of "ugliness" within ourselves. We may have been a little drunk, but it felt profound as fuck to us, haha! 

After that she performed a few times with S-n-P, and I performed at her monthly show NIGHTGOWNS, and we began to really notice and appreciate each other in and out of drag. When she asked me if I would assist her and travel with her once she came back from filming Rupaul's Drag Race, I drafted my letter of resignation at my job that day. Over one teeny tiny cup of espresso, she just handed right to me my absolute dream job; assisting one of the most wonderful and talented humans on the face of the earth. I mean, it really doesn't get much better than that.

You're all a great team together... I like that number where you and Johnny are her her backup dancers in suits that you did for the C.L.A.T. release party, it was very old school 80s Downtown!

Ohhh yeah, Le Tigre's “Decepticon!” Thank you! It is such a fun number to do. And this past NIGHTGOWNS at its new home at National Sawdust, your performance was just saw raw and naked and powerful. Is being that exposed on stage, in such a truthful moment, as daunting as it looks? First, thank you so so much! That was a number I sat on for a year before I finally got the courage to do it. That number is less about Vigor and more about me, and I feel like I walk out there with my heart in my hands. If I don't--if I'm guarded or closed off in any way--the number doesn't work. Every time I do it, I'm just as nervous that no one will understand and I'll be standing out there alone, and every time I'm overwhelmed by how people connect to me. It's always scary and always completely worth it. That was a dramatic performance, but for the most part Vigor's drag/ burlesque numbers are comedic? Oh yeah, I'd say so. There are a few dramatic ones, a few sexy ones, a few really just straight up weird ones, but a good majority is comedic. It's wise to have a diverse portfolio! 

Okay, let's talk about some gigs. I see you're gonna be onstage at Rockbar on Wednesday with the White Elephant Burlesque troupe! Have you performed with them before?

I am, I'm so excited! I love Viktor Devonne and the whole White Elephant Burlesque crew, they are so beautiful and talented. I have been lucky enough to perform with them a few times now, and was even nominated for an award at their Silver Tusk Burlesque Awards!

And this is exciting, you'll be competing in Mister Coney Island on Saturday at Coney Island USA, and I imagine that must be the city's biggest male-identifying drag competition! What made you decide to enter this year? *Humble hairflip* I was actually asked to compete! The reigning King Glenn Marla reached out to me after we performed together at the Fuck You Revue at Bizarre Bushwick, and I am so honored and thrilled. 

Also, I believe I am the only drag king competing this year! The other competitors are Mister Strange, Velvet Crayon, Machine Dazzle, Evil Hate Monkey, Hovey Burgess, Eric "Baby Bird" Schmalenberger, and myself. 

It is going to be an amazing and wild ride! Especially since I will be flying to Chicago with Sasha after WE Burlesque on Wednesday, and will return on Saturday, and the competition is that night!

By the way, I see that you're featured in the latest issue of Sasha's Velour magazine, that Sasha and Johnny publish.

I am! It's so gorgeous isn't it? It's such a labor of love between Sasha and Johnny, every page is filled with such dedication and attention to detail. Each issue feels like a queer time capsule. That's a perfect description! Love it! Now let’s dish about Drag Race...  I was wondering if Sasha could make her approach to drag work within the confines of what the show does, and I'm amazed with what she's accomplished so far! 

I am too! I truly feel like she's been able to find a way to stay true to her center, while still playing the game. Which you absolutely have to do if you're on a reality TV show. She keeps taking challenges and making them work for her, just like she promised in her “Meet the Queens” video.

That Madonna look slayed. I I loved her hot-as-hell Madonna look so much! Can I tell you a little T about that look?  So for the gold tooth, the wax wouldn't hold it on properly. Rather than risk it falling out, she super glued it to her tooth! She had to swish warm water around it for so long before it finally came loose! 

Oh dear lord, that is dedication!

So back once more to Vigor... anything else to discuss? Switch-n-Play will be having our Coney Island return show on May 19th, “Creature Feature.” I wish I could be there, but The Velours will be on the road. So somebody go and take pictures for me! We have shows at Branded Saloon every second and fourth Saturday. It's a really wonderful Queer ol' Time, and we love new faces! Okay, last question: What's the best piece of advice you can give to a baby king just getting started? Never stop playing. Try new things, even if they don't work. Ask for and accept critique, but always go with your gut. Don't be appropriative. Do be curious, ask questions, and think critically. Practice in the shower, in the supermarket, in front of a mirror, while walking down the street. There is nothing like the feeling when you find your stride, and you know you're on the right track. Do what gives you joy, and keep doing it. Excellent! Thank you, Vigor!

Vigor Mortis will perform with White Elephant Burlesque at Rockbar on Wednesday, May 10th (8:30pm), and will compete in Mister Coney Island at Coney Island USA on Saturday, May 13th (10pm). Follow Vigor on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter.

On Point Archives

[cybertronianlovenest]

Kiss of betrayal: Part 8

Jazz POV: I sighed as Prowl batted at my aft lightly. 'We should see about meeting up with Sounders and Samantha. The sooner the better.' He nodded his consent, letting me stand and stretch my over worked frame. A hand caught me, turning me before he knelt to wipe away the remains of our interface. Out of all my partners over the vorns I could count on one hand the number I'd had more than a passing fling with. Prowl was different though, not just because he loved me. I knew that was part of it, but I had grown far more attached to him than anyone before him. The gentle sweeps of the rag helped in some small part to soothe my rather scrambled thoughts. There's was still some part of me that couldn't believe he really loved me. I knew that it was true though, he'd given me complete access to his spark and it was impossible to lie during that. "Turn." My thoughts were cut, bringing me back to reality where Prowl had finished my front durning my lasp in attention. A vent was cycled as I did as instructed, letting him finish with me before I took the rag to return the favor... Soundwave POV: My optics swept over the lake as I watched and waited to see if Jazz would come. It had been a few cycles since I'd seen him and I hoped that he would show soon. I didn't want him to stress over being my Sparkmate. The crunch of leaves under ped broke the stillness and I let out a vent, waiting for him to make his way to me. I had thought it would have taken him longer, but I was glad it hadn't. It seemed to take a long time for the sound to reach me and I was a little confused that there were more than one set. Someone sighed before they plopped down next to me revealing Jazz's thoughtful looking face. "Prowl I assume..." A low hum sounded behind me, keeping several yards between us. "Jazz is feeling better?" He leaned into my side lightly. "Yeah. Much better." I glanced towards him but he wasn't looking at me. "Melody will be arriving shortly to release her newest catch of fish. Jazz would like to meet with her?" He nodded, finally giving me his optics. "Yeah. Do ya think she would be willing to meet with Optimus? It could change things, now that Megatron is offline. Ahm sorry it had to happen..." A small laugh escaped and I shook my helm. "The sentiment is appreciated, though unnecessary. Megatron had lost sight of our goals many vorns ago. Melody did everyone a favor." Jazz looked quite surprised but I just shrugged. A light noise caught my attention across from us and I glanced over to see Melody had arrived. She growled low, plodding several steps forward until I held my hand out. "Everything is well. Calm." Jazz shifted slightly but I caught his arm. "Jazz, stay." I stood up, moving between them and her growl gutered out. "This is Jazz." For a moment Samantha just looked between us before shifting from her wolf form. "What about him?" She jerked her helm towards Prowl. "He is a good friends of Jazz's. Melody needs to relax." Her optics darted around our company before she huffed and began pulling bags from her subspace. "So this is the mech that's got you so wrapped around his finger huh? He's cute. I can see why you're chasing him." The bags were set in the water, letting them float as she turned her attention back to us. "So why are they here?" She cocked her helm to the side, stepping towards Prowl, doors canting to the side. His doors took up the same position and he knelt, sitting next to a fallen log as she plopped down as well. At least she calmed down pretty quick. "So that's her huh? She's pretty small." "Do not let Melody's size fool you. She is more than capable of taking any one that possess a threat." Jazz nodded softly, moving towards Melody as I followed... Jazz hummed against my neck as I held him against me. It had taken much less time than I'd feared for him to come around and I was glad. I hadn't expected to be at odds with Prowl over him. He didn't appear to be too concerned right now, but he was good at hiding. Watching them the other day I knew Prowl was quite fond of my Sparkmate. I suspected Jazz cared more deeply than even he knew, but that was for them to figure out. As for myself, I had always found Prowl to be rather attractive and would be hard pressed to think of a reason why I shouldn't keep him around. It would help Jazz a lot and I surely wouldn't be opposed to having them both. Melody seemed to like them OK thankfully. I'd had some concerns over that because of Megatron's treatment of her and the application of the Autobot symbol durning such. He had hoped to program a hate into her that would ensure her to fight, and I guess he got his wish. Just not how he'd hoped. Even through all that her desire to protect and defend over rode the hate he wanted and I was glad. In the end, when she'd offlined him and most of the mechs on base it had been because of my interference. I had attempted to help her and Megatron had caught me. You can imagine how well that went over. Myself and Barricade had been appointed to look after her so she would form a bond to us. That worked far better than Megatron took into account and when he gave the order to have me offlined that's when he found out just how well his project worked. I had even been surprised and I'd spent the last 3 deca-cycle's tending her. She was a force I wouldn't wish to be at odds with should she ever choose to fight. That was something she avoided when possible though. My optics flicked toward her to watch as she dabbled her fingers in the water, letting the fish nibble at her. Her doors swished happily before she finally sat up to look at me smiling. For a moment she just watched Jazz before shifting to wolf form. Her frame lowered into a crouch and she wiggled her but like a cat before pouncing on him. Denta attacked his shoulder lightly as he squirmed away letting her curl up in his spot, tail waging as she watched him from the corner of her optic. I couldn't help but laugh ah her, roughing up her helm lightly. "Melody jealous." Jazz huffed from where he had escaped as she continued to bask in her victory. "Perhaps we should get back. We've put off informing Optimus of Megatron's destruction too long already. He will want to know about her anyhow." Melody's tail slowed to a stop against my leg and she whined. "Apologies Melody. It would be benificial for you to go with them though." She looked up art me and finally shifted back, giving me a look. "You should know better than to think you can hide from me. You're worried that their leader will attempt to have them offlined for meeting with you." I sighed, climbing to my peds to rub her helm. "Such an act could be viewed as treason even though it was never intended as such. Melody's protection would be much appreciated." Her hands fell to her hips. "You could have just said that was what you wanted. Didn't have to make excuses. You're my friend and I don't let bad things happen to those I care about when I could stop it. I'll make sure that the other mech knows not to mess with them." I nodded curtly, giving a few more rubs before letting her join them. "One more thing. Melody plays host to the Allspark. It's energy was absorbed into her from a shard she found. No one else knew that." They both looked at me in shock for several seconds before I stepped by to make my way back to the house... Jazz POV: I'd be the first to admit I was more than a little nervous over finally telling Optimus what we'd been up to, putting it off at this point could only worsen things though. Samantha had chosen to fall back on her human form to avoid a lot of fuse which I was glad for. A deep vent was cycled as Prowl pinged for admission. The door slid open and I stepped in, hoping onto his desk as Prowl took the chair. Samantha was set down as she looked around at everything. "Please lock the door. We need to talk in private Sir." Optimus looked unsure as he hit the button to engage the locks. "So private you bring a human I've never met before into our meeting?" Sam snorted, turning her attention to him which I wasn't so sure was a good thing. "For the last half a deca-cycle we have been meeting with Soundwave." Optimus sat up more straight at his desk, optics narrowing on us and I knew we had his full attention now. "The first time wasn't intentional, that's when ah thought he might have hacked. Wasn't completely honest with ya though Bossbot. He told men that Megatron had been offlined and that transfluid was able to cyberform organic tissue. Ah just figured he was lying so ah didn't bother bringing it up. Know it wasn't meh call but ah made it anyhow. Didn't want anyone walking into a trap on bad information. The second time ah saw him it was when ah was sparkcalling. After that ah went looking." "Jazz was suffering from severe sparksickness and it was clouding his judgment." Prowl interceded on my behalf when Optimus gave me a reprimanding look. "The fourth time we met, meh and Prowl had a spat and ah was blowing off steam by the lake when he showed up..." I trailed off, optics flickering anywhere but his as Prowl caught my hand, continuing where I hear left off. "Soundwave is Jazz's Sparkmate." Optimus straightened even more, looking between us as if waiting for the punch line of a joke. "We just came from meeting him again. This it Samantha, she is responsible for offining Megatron." For several kliks he just stared between us before setting his hands on the table. A low growl sounded from Samantha but he may not have heard. "You have both been sneaking off base to meet with a Decepticon. You do realize what the punishment for treason is..." This time he heard the growl as Sam shifted into a femme. "I fucking dare you to say anything but cookies." "Excuse me?" Her optics tacked him in a way I knew meant trouble if things weren't descalated quickly. "Easy now lil lady. It's alright." I pulled her back a little but she was completely focused on Optimus. "I don't think you understand what's going on here. They turned me into this so I could kill you. He wore your symbol while beating me so I would hate you. The only reason you're still online is because of Soundwave. It was his interference at risk of deactivation that saved every one of you from being offlined. And it so happens were pretty close. Now, having said that, I go the extra mile to keep those I love happy and from what I saw there's two are pretty important to him. So. I dare you to say anything but cookies, because I will ripe your throat out and drink your energon while you twitch on the fucking floor!" She snarled, newly formed tail coiling around itself to reveal a stinger as I held her back. Optimus for his part looked quite unnerved until she sat back, a wide grin spread over her face like nothing ever happened. "OK?" He nodded slowly after a few kliks, glancing toward me as Prowl watched Samantha. "Sorry about that. That was my symibot, Bianari. I wouldn't drink your energon, I'd just take over your frame, make your blow your spark out and repurpose it for more material for my symibots. Being cyberformed, the metal doesn't stabilize and it can destabilize other forms of metal and absorb them. Like you, and the rest of those bastards that thought it was funny to play games with me." "OK, you've made your point." Prowl carefully pulled her over and she went willingly with him to cuddle up in his lap much to my surprise. "Don't make me kill you, it's my day off." Optimus glanced to me and I sighed. "Ah know things could have been handled better, but ah really believe it's over this time. Ah just didn't want to get everyone's hopes up until an knew for sure Bossbot. Things have been bad for a while and that would have only made it worse." For a long moment silence stretched between us before Optimus lowered his helm. "That I'll concede to, but what you did was very foolish and had you both not served as long under me as you had things would mostly likely be much different. As things stand now I'm calling a meeting to announce to everyone that Megatron is offline." Sam chirped softly, turning from her attention to Optimus once more. "You should tell them the Allspark is safe was well. She uses my frame as a vessel since hers was destroyed. I can give her another but she is content with me for now." His optics brightened and I knew he was just as surprised as we had been. After a klik a small smile formed on his face before he reached for her only to be left with several bites for his efforts. She growled low at him, curling close to Prowl as he rubbed her doors. "Its OK. Calm down." I frowned, watching them until Prowl sighed. "Her spark is not yet fully formed even though her frame is. Also Praxian's share some of our coding with seekers so having her separated from me would not be advised." It took a second to process that before I burst laughter making Prowl's door bristle in indignation. "I do not know what you find so funny. The coding demands we find a mate to help raise the youngling and it isn't in the habit of talking no for an answer." I shook my helm, watching him was he glared at me. "Right. Not sure how Sounders is gonna feel bout ya trying to steal away his sparkling. He was doing a fine job at raising her before now Prowler. She's not abondoned, ya need to get a hand on yer coding." He cast me a withering look and I drew back in surprise before rubbing the edge of a door. "We're gonna take care of that eventually, but things got settle down first." Optimus looked confused but I didn't bother to elaborate. Prowl would tell him if and when he was ready. For now, there was a lot we needed to do...

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers (2007): Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: And now I'm just imagining him showing up at this little old grandma's house, ripping up the house and being like, “HOW DARE YOU!?!”

[Intro Music]

S: Welcome... to hell!

O: It’s time.  It’s time for the Bay movies guys.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2007 Transformers film!

O: Shall we talk about giant robots? [dissolves into laughter]

S: Yeah.  Let's talk about giant robots, though we may be very unhappy by the end of this.

O: So first, an info dump, for what is most likely a refresher for the majority of you folks but a- the live-action Transformers movie was directed by [deadpan] Michael Bay and uh, starring Shia LaBeouf.

S: The movie did incredibly well at the box office and introduced a lot of people to the franchise and um, these people may have been unaware of it [the Transformers franchise] before or hadn't seen a prior but it was an introduction at least for most.

O: Which is probably the most positive thing that we can say about this movie.  The movie franchise is likely the main reason we got the Transformers Prime TV series and even brought more readers to the first IDW comic run.  Which maybe wasn't super great at the time the movie came out, but got way better! [laughs]

S: Yeah, I mean, IDW also had comics based on the movie, in addition to the main IDW G1-

O: And I haven’t read those yet, but yeah.

S: I don't think we've made our disdain for this movie a secret but just in case, neither of us enjoy this movie.

O: Like, at all.

S: So if you personally like this movie this episode may not be for you.  Um, we're sorry guys.

O: [laughs] We are, actually, because I- I know there are people out there who like it.  We're not those people, but we will be back for a normal G1 schtick later, so uh, please join us then.

S: That isn't to say that there hasn't been excellent fanfiction based off of this.

O: Eh, fanfiction, fanart-

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh my god, there- there was this one I saw the other day where somebody did like, a Transformers Animated of ah, Last Knight Megatron-

S: Oh!

O: -and I was like, “I legitimately like that!  Good job, you!”

S: There’s some excellent fan work based on these movies.

O: Yeah, like, just hands down, but um...  Well, down to brass tacks Specs, what was your first experience with this movie like?

S: Hmm, ah, well let's go back in time, shall we?

O: [makes woo noises]

S: So I didn't see it in theaters.  Ah, my first experience with this movie was getting it for my birthday... yay.

B: [laughter]

O: Yay.

S: I watched it and um, and was like, “Okay... that was a thing.  It exists, um, Bumblebee peed on a guy.” And I watched this with my parents, I'll have you know!

O: And it- it's way funnier when you know her parents, who are extremely Catholic and her mother who is extremely Irish Catholic and imagining them watching this movie with her is hysterical .

S: My mom doesn't like sci-fi to begin with-

O: Yeah, right!  And then, all of this was happening!

S: Yeah, my- my dad probably enjoyed it more because he likes explosions and stuff.

O: [laughs] He's a nice guy but he is- he- he, he's a simple man.  He has simple criteria for the things he enjoys and I can respect that.

S: He actually really likes Terry Pratchett but let’s-

O: Oh, yes.

S: -let's get back to this.  Uh, I don't think I uh, rewatched it for a while because uh, high school was happening and I had better things to be doing.  You know, like reading fanfic or doing homework. Homework was more enjoyable than this.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] So I found the movie mostly just disappointing.  While it did breathe new life into the fandom it seemed like most of the pre-existing fans that I- you know, knew or followed or was aware of, were disappointed by the designs and the story on like- specifically on the forum that I was frequenting at the time.  Other people loved it and I mean, it did create a new influx of fans, so... that's a positive thing.

I was also super annoyed by the lack of Arcee because there was a decent toy of her and I own it.  It's the only Bayverse toy I own, and then they had Arcee and two other characters that shared the same mold show up in the second movie and then die.

O: And- and these were not the same mold as the toy she [Specs] owns.

S:  Yes.

O: To make this even weirder, like, Arcee did have a design apparently [in the first movie].

S: Yes, she was a nice motorcycle.  She had legs in the first- for the first movie toy and then… then she was a unicycle thing-

O: Mm-hmm.

S: -in the second movie and then they all died.  And I don't own any other toys from ah- from the Bayverse franchise, so let's go over to you.

O: Eh-heh-heh-ha!  So, to my memory I first saw this in high school.  I want to say it may have actually been something they showed at school?  [My SO seems to remember the same thing, so this was probably the case. ~O]

And in direct contrast to Specs, I went to public school in a rural area, no one gave a shit, so...  I- I saw the second one in theaters, but I legitimately do not remember where I saw the first one. Uh, for the record, I thought it was fine!  I had zero reference, beyond a foggy memory of Beast Machines- not even Beast Wars guys, Beast Machines.  And hadn't seen G1 at all.  I very vaguely knew who Optimus Prime was and pretty much nobody else.

No, it would take over a decade before this film franchise filled me with seething rage.

S: And you didn't even get into the fandom, when I tried interesting you in it.  You got into it by yourself!

O: [laughs] I know!  She tried! She tried in college! [laughs] Which is why, I was like, “Hey, I want to watch Beast Wars!” It was like, not looking where I was going and walking off a cliff!  [laughs]

S: Pretty much, and then I just threw TV shows at you.

O: She just like, thew DVD’s down the cliff at me! [continues laughing]

S: And comics.

O: Which I mean...I didn’t really mind...but I love that description so much.

S: [laughs]

O: But, uh, all of this aside, I will be saying my media recommendation for the day here, instead of at the end.  I strongly recommend watching Lindsey Ellis’, “The Whole Plate.” Which is a series about film studies through the lens of Transformers.  Not only is excellent breaking these movies down in the context of film, and film theory, but it's informative and done by someone else who clearly loves Transformers.

Pretty sure her favorite is Starscream, but I also think I saw a Wheeljack in the background of one of her videos, but do not quote me on that.  Uh, it is at least partially due to Lindsey I started watching G1. Uh, the other YouTube culprit I'll likely recommend in a different video, heh, but needless to say she certainly didn't hurt.  I'd been watching her, “Whole Plate,” series since 2017 so... over a year before I made that so fateful decision to borrow Beast Wars.

This recommendation also comes caveat: Because I've watched her videos, I know I've been heavily influenced by them and... it is likely I will talk about some of the same points that she's made... while we're going through this movie.  So just, if- eh, this is me so this is me, um, cite--this is me giving you my citation for ah, my work, essentially.

Go watch Lindsey Ellis’ videos, they're fantastic.

S: And I suppose to counterpoint, I haven't seen any of her videos.  So anything that I talk about that ends up accidentally being something that comes up in here is an accident.

O: The only- I think I showed you the- the Megan Fox video.

S: You might have, but at this point it's been so long ago that-

O: [quietly]  That’s true..

S: -that I probably don't remember, or almost certainly don’t.

O: Fair!  Anyway, definitely go- go, uh, watch her, because she's interesting.  I-I feel like there’s- I’ve seen posts that like, seem like at least some people don't like her.  So, I don't know what's going on there and I don't really want to find out. So if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing and that's fine.    Well! Ready for the movie?

S: Say it isn't so, but yes, yes I am.

O: [laughs] Here we go!

S: [sighs]  We open with some opening narration by Optimus Prime played by Peter Cullen of the da--

O: -of Optimus Prime? [laughs]

S: Well, I was gonna say, “of the days of old.”

O: [laughs louder]  Okay, fair! And I don't- I don’t care if he mostly in a cartoon voice over work, he is too good for this fucking movie!

S: He is.  He gives us the backstory for Cybertron and the Autobot/Decepticon war and I think, you see someone spearing someone else with something in this…

O: It wouldn’t shock me.  Something called the AllSpark is super important and they send it off planet to keep the Decepticons from getting it.

S: The Autobots couldn’t keep track of it either.  They did not think this through.

O: Of course, it landed on an unknown planet, Eii-arth!

S: [snickers] Megatron apparently followed the AllSpark but pulled a Skyfire and got frozen in the Arctic, where he was found by a team of explorers led by Captain Archibald Witwicky.  Doesn't that just sound like a manly man.

O: [laughing]  He is!

S: The part of Skyfire will be played by Megatron in this movie.

O: Make sure to properly chill your Decepticon warlord for at least a couple of decades before serving.

S: Don't you mean a couple thousand years?

O: Shush!

B: [laugh]

S: Meanwhile, Skyfire’s sir not appearing in this picture.

O: Also, don't be fooled by the opening guys!  Sure, Optimus may be talking now but it won't last.  It'll be like, what? An hour before we get any more giant robots talking?

S: Probably.  We cut to the Middle East in the um, ‘present’ day.

O: Well, present day ten years ago anyway.

S: It's soldiers doing transportation stuff on a military base... and a guy wants to eat alligators.

O: Fuck yeah, America- am I right!?!

S: It’s cuisine.  The military partially funded these movies if anybody was unaware this really helps explain their presence in the movie series.

O: That and Bay's HUGE fuckin’ boner for ‘em.

S: The soldiers here are some of the better characters in the movie.  They're funny, they work well off each other, and you know, [gasp] feel like they’re friends.

O: What a concept.  An unknown helicopter lands at the base, transforming into a giant robot and starting to destroy said base.

S: The Decepticons apparently want US military codes or they're trying to find the AllSpark location, or something.

O: I can't help but think of Soundwave was here this would have been done so much more competently.  Even Soundwave- even movie Soundwave is still competent.

S: Oh, probably.  Uh, the Decepticon is Blackout by the way, who- I'm not sure we ever see or hear him talk?

O:  Yeah, like, we might hear him talk in Cybertronian at the very end of the movie like, when it's like, doing the all the Decepticons gettin’ ready.

S: Hmm.

O: Um…

S: Maybe.

O: He never really is a character, um, but I hope you're ready for shaky cam video of this robot and not getting a good look at him!

S: Oh!  Flying tanks, how novel.

O: [laughs] They fail to fight off the Decepticon and a small group of soldiers manages to escape the base, but not without being followed by Scorpinok.

S: Who is released by, um, Blackout cuz apparently he's his pet or something-

O: Something like that.  The only thing you need to remember about this is that the main soldier is Lennox, and he is leading the group.  The other characters have names. I had to look them up.

S: Yeah, they aren’t very big characters, unfortunately.  It would have been more entertaining if-

B: -they were.

S: [sighs] And then suddenly we're at a high school.

O: Following a teenage boy who's gonna try to hawk his great-great-great-something-grandfather’s shit in the middle of class.

S: [sighs] Why is he hawking shit?  Because he wants to seduce the hottie by getting a car, either that, or that is merely a side effect of getting a car that he hopes will happen.

O: Mikaela is way too good for him.

S: She is.

O: He blabs on about how his something-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky was the first man to explore the Arctic.

S: Never mind that there were already people living there.

O: He was the first white idiot to make it up there and not die?

S: Possibly.

O: [laughs]

S: We're introduced to the glasses of plot here.  They're not particularly relevant right now, but they will be later!

O:  Notice those weird etchings on the lenses?  That's- that's a thing!

S: Keep these in mind.  Put a pin in it. But right now, Sam is talking about selling his stuff on eBay.

O: ~ Ladies~ he takes Paypal. [laughs]

S: The bell rings and the rest of the class leaves as Sam talks to his teacher.  Proceeding to be a total freaking dumb ass by guilting his teacher into giving him a better grade than he deserved, because otherwise his dad won't help him buy a car.

O: And remember, this is supposed to be the character we’re identifying with.  Thanks! I hate it.

S: [sighs] You know, and after meeting Sam's dad, his behavior makes a lot more sense.  Clearly he gets dickish behavior from said dad.

O: His dad drives him through a Porsche dealer to make him think he's buying Sam a Porsche, which just kind of seems like a dick move.  They proceed to show up at a used-car lot with, uh, Sam spying a mysterious Camaro, which is Bee in this.

S: Like, Bumblebee was actually following them into the car lot which is kind of funny-

O: Yeah, but- but they didn't really see him until he parked in the car lot.

S: Yeah, I guess uh, they had to make him cooler for the 2000’s.

O: You know, I always liked the little Volkswagon bugs when I was in high school around this timeframe.  I still do, they're adorable!

S: They're cute.  Unfortunately, they're not sexy enough for a teenage boy in the mid-2000s.

O: [sighs] No, but they were sexy enough for a teenage boy in the 80’s.

S: [laughs] Yes, but that was when he knew it was his- it was friend shaped.

O: [laughs] Oh-

S: Bumblebee is-

O: G1 Bumblebee is so friend shaped.

S: He is.  He's friend shaped to everyone except Megatron, really.  Well, all of the Decpti-

O: No, he’s friend shaped to Megatron in the comics too!

S: Oh god, well, are we talking IDW comic or the original?

O: I was talking about the- I was talking about the- the plot in IDW, yeah. [laughs] Mostly I just thought was funny because his design is very, very similar in that toG1-

S: Yeah-

O: And I was like, yeah that’s pretty funny though.

S: Yeah, you're right he was very friend shaped in that.

O: He is friend shaped to everybody.

S: But in the Marvel Comics he's not friend shaped to the Decepticons.

O: Oh no, nobody's friend shaped in the Marvel comic. [laughs]  Are you kidding me?

S: Ah, ah, Bee’s been following this kid around for a while and the car salesman clearly has never seen this damn car in his life, but he's still gonna try and sell it.

O: I-I mean given that it is his car lot, I can’t- I’m not sure I can fault him on this decision really? [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not honest.

O: [laughs] No.

S: And he's like, “I'm honest- whatever.”  I think he has, “honesty,” actually on a sign somewhere.

O: [continues to laugh]

S: I don't know, it's not- it doesn't really matter.  And, um, there's also an ostrich here. Why is there an ostrich!?!

O: I think he has a petting zoo or something, I don’t know.

S: He is down to make that dough.

O: Very.

S: Bee also comes with racing stripes.

O: We all know that makes him go faster, Specs!

S: [snorts]

O: [laughs]

S: Amongst other things, Bee contains a bee air freshener, that says “BEE-OTCH,” a small disco ball, and a weird lion bobblehead, that I thought was a small taxidermied animal at first.

O: [laughs] And we didn’t even see it till our second walk- er, watch through either!  Just to make this more ridiculous!

S: Yeah, it vanishes so I gather Spike didn’t- oh god, not Spike-

O: No, this isn’t Spike, it would probably be better if it was!

S: Yeah.  Sam didn't think it was too hot either.

O: Yeah, but uh, this whole bit, just feels creepy.  Sam's gonna buy Bumblebee, a living, thinking, being, whose intelligence definitely surpasses his own.

S: And let's compare this to Charlie from the Bumblebee movie, who's trying to rebuild a car by herself with no support from her family and then there's Sam.  And I mean, okay, yeah, she does get Bumblebee, basically- basically in a transaction. She does kind of buy him, but when she realizes that he's a person, she treats him like a person.

O: Exactly, and Sam is just this entitled little rich kid living in a nice house and has everything handed to him in Southern California!   I don't know what his parents do, but clearly they make good fucking money!

S: I don't know what they do.

O: Me either!

S: Bee is even parked next to a VW Bug, an old one.  Which he will then proceed to wreck.

O: I feel like this is the start to Michael Bay being like why do you like, “Why do you like that nerdy shit?  Come look at boobs, tits, and nice cars. These are the only things that are really important.” This will be the hill I die on.

S: [sighs] I don’t understand Michael Bay.

O: If you didn’t like this, why did you do it!?!  I know the answer is money.

S: Money is-

O: But you can at least do it enjoyably!

S: Yeah, well, money is the root of a lot of... stuff.  Speaking of, Bee is... very much a dick here. He destroys this guy's entire lot of cars, or at least all their windows.  Because he emits a supersonic noise and you know, busts all the windows in an effort to get Sam to buy him or get the guy to sell him to Sam-

O: For a cheaper price, basically.

S: Yeah.

O: Cutting to the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense is briefing a team of technicians who will be attempting to decode the Decepticon signal they got from Blackout earlier. (Kind of.)

S: One of them is a very intelligent young woman named Maggie.

O: Who will proceed to be shot like another piece of tits and ass, like all the pretty woman in this movie.  Oh, and if you're not young and pretty in this movie series you're basically just a harpy.

S: [sighs] And after this movie we will never see her again.  Which might imply that she has more longevity than Sam.

O: Smart girl.  At Sam’s house, we’re introduced to his mom, his dog, and some casual sexism.

S: We're not allowed to put girl jewelry on a male dog in this house, are we?

O: Of course not!  What would the men think?  That jewelry is awesome and they're totally allowed to wear it.  Yeah, actually let's do that- that sounds way better.

S: [sighs] But don't worry if you think Mojo [Sam’s dog] is emasculated or something.  Later movies will have him humping absolutely everything.

O: Yeah, because that's what I want to watch in a movie about giant alien robots!

S: Admittedly, these movies aren't particularly about giant alien robots.  They’re-

O: No, they're like- about Sam's love life and explosions [snickers].

S: Or whatever the human lead’s love life.

O: [quietly] True.

S: That's- that’s typically how it runs. [sighs] Back to the army guys again.  They're still attempting to escape Scorponok. Except they don't know that Scorponok’s following them.

O: No, but they're like, trying to get away from the base.

S: They're trying to get somewhere where they can contact help, I think? So they're making their way through the desert, with this young kid that showed up at the very beginning of the movie and was like, “Hi!  You're my friends, I'm bringing you something.” And he escaped with them.

O: Yup.  They decide they need to get their intel back to Pentagon as soon as possible.

S: And in our other movie, Sam's friend is a moron, and Mikaela's boyfriend is a dick, just a beefier dick than Sam.

O: So infuriating, this should be relatable.  I was the weirdo in high school! But no, I still just want to strangle Sam with my bare hands.

S: And- well, honestly, Miles (Sam's friend) isn't really a moron.  He's just acting like an actual teenage boy.

O: [laughs]

S: [huffs] He's climbing trees and entering cars through the window and then in the next scene when we see that, the door is open?  So he like, dived through the door?

O: Continuity.  Continuity is not a thing, Specs.

B: [laugh]

S: [sighs] Sam proceeds to bait Mikaela's jock boyfriend to satisfy his own ego, but just barely manages to avoid a knuckle sandwich.

O: UNFORTUNATELY.  Said boyfriend then proceeds to treat Mikaela like property.

S: He won't even let her ride in the front seat of his truck.  She knows significantly more about trucks than you do, you asshole!  She could probably-

O: Oh, she could run circles around this asshole.

S: Well no, I was thinking she could probably you know, set something up so that his truck killed him.

O: Ah-ha-ha, there we go!  That's the movie- that's the movie Mikaela should have been in.

S: Well, I mean, Megan Fox- she is apparently good in Jennifer's Body.  Sam boots his friend out of Bumblebee so that he can offer... Mikaela a ride home.

O: It’s shitty to strand your friend like this, dude.

S: It's especially shitty, because the car has backseat.

O: And he couldn't shove his friend back there.

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: Mikaela reluctantly accepts and Bee has decided to become Sam's wingman, apparently.

S: I'm assuming he knows what teenagers do in cars, but really, does he actually understand what teenagers do in cars!?!

O: [while laughing] Um, I'm-I’m not sure to be honest.

S: Well, considering they apparently learned English from the internet.

O: Yeah, you’d think there’d be some porn thrown in there.

S: I’d assume so.  Um, he breaks down causing Mikaela to open his hood and check the engine.

O: And what kills me, is that she's saying relevant things throughout the scene but the way she's shot, she's not treated like a person, she's treated like a-a-an object to be viewed essentially, and it is very frustrating. I know we could assume that it's from Sam's perspective, but boy does this get old.

S: It gets really old.  Sam asks her about why she hangs out with her boyfriend.  Of course, he phrases it like, strongly hinting that she should hang out with him instead.  And Mikaela can totally tell that he's doing that so she's like, “I'm out,” and starts walking off.

O: But Bee suddenly starts working again so Sam's able to convince her to at least let him finish driving her home.

S: She'd have probably had a better time walking home, let's be real.

O: Probably.

S: Except she might have had really uncomfy shoes...

O: Eh, except like, it was sunset, and it was night by the time they got home.  So I have to ask, how far out of town were they?

S: That's a good point.  Um, and then we get Sam saying uh, [sighs] that, “There's more than meets the eye,” about the Mikaela.

O: Why does this just feel like another slap in the face of the original series?

S: Probably because it is, and on to Air Force One.  Frenzy, who's apparently someone's carry on here, because he's a boombox in this and was actually under someone's seat.

O: Or!  You could choose to imagine him walking onto the onto the plane himself.  Just thing about this little radio, who’s got teeny tiny little legs, and walks on the plane.  It's way funnier!  Also, did he steal Soundwave’s alt!?!

S: That is a fun thing, but yeah.  Hello president who is obviously Bush!  Whose face we don't see, but unfortunately we get to see his besoc- besocked feet.

O: He wants a ding dong.

S: [sighs]

O: Betcha do!  Uh, Frenzy attempts to get data from the military database by way of Air Force One, but he’s caught while doing this, and so the Secret Service shoots at him.

S: The Secret Service apparently didn't get the 4-1-1 on what you don't do on a plane.  You don't shoot shit on a plane. You really don't wanna do that. It just leads for a bad time, for everyone, very briefly.

O: [laughing] Yup!  Very short lives!

S: Either that, or they're lucky and they manage to make a safe landing but... you don't want-

O: Do you really- do you really want to risk that?  No.

S: No, you don't want catastrophic decompression on a plane.

O: No you don’t.

S: I mean, who knows, maybe Air Force One is better... built?  Once they uh, basically, they end up taking the plane down, uh, in an emergency landing, because shots fired or whatever.  Then once they bring the plane down, Frenzy is able to sneak off the plane through the a- he goes down like, the doors that the wheels go out and then it's just funny.

O: It is.

S: Yeah, he goes over to Barricade after that.

O: Barricade’s a police car.  He will be more relevant later, but uh- you have any doubts that this little thing was Frenzy, you just need to see that little walk off the plane and you will know.

S: Cuz he- he's got like, his hand up to hide his face.

O: Yeah, like he’s- he’s like, trying to be nonchalant.  Like, after they thought he was trying to kill the president it is delightful.

S: Mm-hmm and Frenzy is smarter than the- the Secret Service on this plane because he had like, shurikens.

O: Yeah!  Once he's in Barricade he pulls up the eBay listings for Sam's Grandpa's glasses and says, “We must find LadiesMan217!”

S: Why did he pick that username?

O: I don't know, but I legitimately find it hilarious every time a Cybertronian has to shout it in this movie.  I know he said it in like, Cybertronian there, it is still great.

S: Oh Sam’s ego, but yeah, it is really funny anytime a robot shouts that.  At Sam's house, Bee apparently has got places to be. So he just, you know, turns on his own ignition and then drives off by himself.

O: This awakens Sam, who then goes chasing after his own car on his bike.

S: And call- he calls the police.  Sam calls the police to report that his car is being stolen.  Going so far as to remind them that his dad is the head of the neighborhood watch.

O: Well, if you needed a another reminder that Sam is a rich white boy, there you go.

S: [sighs] Yeah…

O: Sam finally catches up with Bee, who's standing some distance away beaming the bat signal- I mean the Autobot signal some kind of signal-er, some kind of signal into space.

S: Sam starts recording all of this on his shitty flip phone, and thinking that he's going to die the first words out of his mouth are, “Porn’s not mine, it's Miles’!”

O: Oh yes, that's the last image I'd want to leave my own mother with. Talking about your erections, lovely.

S: Considering one of the conversations that happens later…

O: It may be were relevant than I want to imagine, yeah.  Mm-hmm. Moving on!

S: Yeah.  Sam is then chased by some good doggos, who managed to get free of their uh, basically they weren’t very well contained.

O: Yep.

S: But the poor puppies are denied their midnight snack as Bumblebee bursts in and save[s] him and you don't really see the dogs go away.  They just start aren’t there anymore.

O: [laughs] And despite thinking his car’s alive, he shouts something that they, “Can keep the car!” and chunks his keys at Bee.

S: I don't even know what the building they're in even is, cuz he goes into a building and then suddenly it seems like they're not in a building anymore and it's... what's going on?

O: Yeah… Um, Sam's arrested when the cops show up for making a false 9-1-1 call because his car is obviously right there.

S: Yep, and it's not like there was any evidence of other people around.

O: There weren’t.

S: At the Pentagon with some assholes, including the Secretary of Defense and our- Maggie, our pretty lady analyst.  Maggie proceeds to sneak into a very high up meeting basically to say, “The system is alive!”

O: Which is completely insane in any other context, except this movie, where she is technically right, but it still sounds like a pretty insane context-

S: Yeah.

O: Er, sane- sounds like pretty insane an idea.

S: She kind of gets kicked out... of the meeting.

O: Yeah.

S: But she's right, and she will be vindicated later.  And, um, I hate the color balancing in this movie everything is so orange and blue.  It looks like everyone's skin tone is basically, you know, orange and like, they all have really bad spray tans?  Or at least all the white people do. None of the black people in this movie really have to deal with looking like an orange.

O: They may still have orange light on them, but it's not quite the same way.

S: Yeah, and now it's police time.

O: Where we've made Sam do a pee test, and then they hold up a bottle that says, “Mojo,” on it and they're interrogating him about it.  Mojo, as previously stated... is his dog and it is very likely that the bottle would say, “canine,” on it because that's how it worked when I had to pick up medication for my cat from the pharmacy. [Well, the cat’s was labelled ‘feline,’ but you know what we mean.]  So they're just being assholes.

S: And I mean, that looks like a legit prescription bottle.

O: Yeah.

S: So, I don't think most people keep their illegal drugs in legit prescription bottles.

O: [laughs] Fair, fair.

S: I mean, I have no personal experience but… [sighs]  And back to the Middle East with the soldier boys.

O: Scorponok attempts subtlety, only narrowly missing killing Lennox.

S: He does however succeed in killing the oblivious glasses guy, or maybe he doesn't kill him, maybe just badly injures him?  I don’t know.

O: I’m pretty sure he's dead because we don't see him for the rest of the movie.  If I'm wrong I apologize.

S: Okay, that's a good point.  The soldiers all book it and take shelter in and around these bombed out buildings.  Which is apparently the young boy's village. [sighs] They have brought hell down upon this small village and this will never be addressed.

O: The dad of the kid that's been helping them seems awfully nice, considering they have brought a giant mechanical scorpion to the front door.

S: Yup, that poor man does not deserve any of this shit.

O: Nope!

S: And here's one of the few legitimately funny scenes in this movie.

O: Lennox, has to call the Pentagon.  Which involves Lennox having to go back and forth with the most bored guy in a call center ever, but he also needs a credit card because it's a long-distance call.  A really long distance call.

S: He's able to get that credit card from Epps, one of the soldiers in his squad.

O: And this is all happening, while they're in the middle of a firefight.  So they're having to yell to be heard and stuff. Epps is also shooting at Scorponok, so Lennox has to grab the wallet off of Epps.

S: And so their conversation on how to navigate this is effectively a something like.  “It's in my back pocket!” “Which one!?!” “Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!” All while firing at Scorponok.  And apparently he's like- eh, Lennox is like, “You have like fifteen pockets!”

O: [laughs]  Which I feel like is legitimately funny!  And I just kind of wish I just didn’t have to like, be concerned, is this racism- with the call center guy looking and sounding Indian and I don't know, because that seems like something Michael Bay would do.

S: Yeah… yeah.  Jets and other military things have apparently been quickly scrambled and show up.

O: Including a military drone, just like what Soundwave turns into in Prime, so I was chuckling.

S: Explosions happen, and miraculously they don't appear to hit any civilians, somehow.  And then there's more shooting and more explosions-

O: And I get very bored.

S: And they're able to shoot off a part of Scorponok's tail, while the rest of Scorponok conveniently gets away.

O: They definitely thought this is important.  The music swells, things are happening in slow motion… you should be paying attention to this.

S: Basically, uh, the military guys get rescued and presumably no one does anything to help repair the damage that…

O: They've done to this village.

S: Yeah, we never hear about the young child again.

O: Nope!

S: [sighs] And back in America, Maggie has stolen intel from the Pentagon and uh, shows up on her friend Glen's doorstep.  And she- she hides it in her makeup case.

O: Which is pretty clever.  Also, he's apparently a master hacker!

S: Yup.  He pulls out some bullshit program that basically auh, you know, pulls, “It's alive!” from the Decepticon audio data Maggie brought over.

O: Which is about the point the feds show up with the SWAT team and arrest them both.

S: Yeah.  Bee shows a back up at Sam's house presumably just to fuck with Sam which at this point really does seem like a Bee thing to do in this movie.

O: Yeah… Bee’s kind of a dick.

S: Sam escapes on his mom’s bike.

O: Why does his mom have a bike that looks like it belongs to a five-year-old!?!  I mean, like- look, I'm not saying don't do you, cuz do you, but- but- but… his mom confuses me.

S: Apparently, she's just a very girly girl who... has a basket that needs to have a pillow in it.  Maybe she takes Mojo for bike rides?

O: I would believe that.

S: I could see her doing that considering that she does put jewelry on him.  She makes him a handsome boy.

O: She does.

S: [sighs] Oh god, so now Sam is running away from his own car, like a crazy person and then uh, runs into Mikaela who's out apparently having lunch.

O: A day, yeah.

S: Well, lunch with her friends.

O: Yeah!

S: She has normal friends, and Sam proceeds to look like a crazy person.

O: He thinks his car is chasing him.  The fact that he's right doesn't really play into how this looks right now.

S: Cuz yeah, he's- he's riding a very pink bike that--

O: Saying his car is chasing him.

S: Yeah.  Bee was definitely driving on the sidewalk, and probably on people's lawns for parts of this.

O: It was funny  Mikaela hops on her scooter because clearly she's like, “I guess I go- I guess I better go help this dumbass.”

S: Mikaela was just a very nice, responsible person.  She's- she's kind.

O: Yeah, she’s not the- like yeah, you don't really see her being mean.

S: She-

O: Even to Sam, even when Sam is being kind of a jerk earlier she's never outright mean to him.  She's done, very done, but you never really see her being mean to him with- unless he kind of deserved it like later.

S: Mikaela is a very kind person and unfortunately she doesn't- her character just doesn't get the recognition that she deserves.

O: No, she doesn’t.

S: [sighs]

O: Barricade catches up with Sam.

S: The police slogan on the side of his police car says- or his police car alt mode says. “To punish and enslave”.

O; What about being undercover, dude?

S: Well, be honest most people don't really pay much attention.

O: [quietly] True.

S: He dicks with Sam for a bit before transforming into robot mode and yelling, “Are you LadiesMan217!?!”

O: Really quickly, and it's amazing.  Sam runs away and knocks Mikaela off her scooter.

S: Sam, you dumbass, you could have really fucking hurt her, you jack ass.

O: Pretty much. [singing] ~Here Bee comes to save the dayyyyyy!~

S: Sam proceeds to pull a, “Come with me if you want to live,” to Mikaela, which... At this point, considering that he has now uh, conflated her with himself to the Decepticons probably- is probably true, yeah.

O: Fair.  They have a high-speed chase, somewhere in Southern California.

S: Bee gets them somewhere relatively isolated before dumping the two of them out and transforming to fight with Barricade and... is this still the middle of the day?  I- no this is at night, it’s night now.

O: It keeps kind of swapping, it's weird.  And then Frenzy hop-

S: How long where they… ?

O: I don't know how long this was going on, because it was like- it looked like it was mid-afternoon and they don't get dumped out till night, like the sun has set, night.

S: Like, jeez.

O: I don't know, heh, but Frenzy hops out of Barricade and attacks Sam and Mikaela.

S: [sighs] Sam manages to lose his goddamn pants in this altercation.

O: Of course he does.  Mikaela, being the badass that she is, grabs a fucking power tool and attacks Frenzy with it.  Cutting him into pieces!

S: Mikaela kicks ass, and she would have been a far better protagonist.  My heart weeps that this wasn't actually the reality.

O: Eh, that's okay they kind of did it in the Bumblebee movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam shows his bravery by... bravely kicking Frenzy’s head away.

O: Frenzy, using a second set of legs coming from his head... walks over to Mikaela’s purse, because she dropped it earlier, and then disguises himself as her cellphone.

S: After stabbing her, you know, her real cellphone.  Presumably to get data from it or something?

O: I would assume?  Yeah.

S: Otherwise it's gonna be a very bad disguise.  She opens it and is like, “Where are all my god damn contacts?”

B: [laugh]

O: Yeah, fair.

S: And then there's some crack about Bee being Japanese, once Sam finally gets his actual introduction to his, you know, ‘not a car’.

O: This should be a tongue-in-cheek reference to the original toys being created by the Japanese company Takara, but given Bay’s track record, I really have to wonder.  I know I keep bringing that up, but like, parts of this movie feel very uncomfortable to watch-

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: -and certain racial stereotyping that he does not only in this movie, but even worse, honestly, in the sequels... just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

S: [quietly] Yeah. [normal volume]  They ride off in Bee, both Sam and Mikaela and not wanting to sit in the driver's seat because Bee is driving and... that wouldn't be polite somehow.

O: I'm not even going to comment on what I'm actually thinking.  Sam tries to pull off a slick move, telling Mikaela she should sit in his lap because there's only one other seat belt.

S: That's bad, if you're in an accident you're both gonna die.  Though, I mean, considering they’re both in a giant alien robot…

O: I mean their driver is a sentient alien robot, who's used to being a car, so hopefully that doesn't happen, right?

S: Mostly I'm just imagining that a giant alien robot car isn't going to have the same sort of, you know, safety tests-

O: Oh, safety precautions!?!  Ha! [laughs]

S: [trying not to laugh] Safety test results that an actual car-

O: [continues laughing]  That’s fair!

S: So who the hell knows how this would work!  Bee takes offense at being called a ‘piece-of-shit Camaro’.

O: Leading to him dumping them out, driving off without a driver, and then driving past a very conveniently placed newer yellow and black Camaro with the exact paint job he wants.  Because Michael Bay cares about very few things in this movie. Tits! And you, yes you! Driving a nice shiny car, because you are a man. A virale, sex having man!

B: [laugh]

O: Or at least that's what he's assuming!

S: Oh, and the way Bumblebee scans this car is kind of ridiculous cuz he’s- he’s up on two wheels driving like half on his side so he’s-

O:  Yeah, like on his side!  So he’s got to scan it with something like, on the bottom of his car mode???

S: Yeah, on his undercarriage and it's weird and silly.

O: And it’s just like, yeah, nobody saw this.  Sure!

S: Like, they're driving in a tunnel, there were definitely other people around, cuz people-

O: There definitely were!

S: Cuz people honked at them, people honked at them when Bumblebee dropped them off.  But yeah, let's go. Bee picks them up and they're like, “Oh wow, you could have done this anytime?” and then Bee precedes to take them trespassing so they can meet new people.

O: Where even are they?

S: I don’t know!  I don't think anyone knows.

O; Valid point.

S: Who knows, maybe they're in Oregon now.

O: [laughs] Yes!  They drove north. Very far north!

S: They could have if they were driving all day, I don’t know!  Either that or they were going around goddamn circles.

O: I'm willing to bet that actually.

S: And finally we're going to get more robots as um, meteorites rain down.  These robots being our Autobots.

O: Who will still not improve this movie enough to matter.

S: Which is so depressing.

O: It really is!

S: Mikaela and Sam hold hands because as uh, movie logic dictates- if you have a man and a woman who spend more than a few minutes uh, with one another they will be in love by the end of it.

O: Who cares!  The Autobots seriously fuck some shit up when they land on Earth!

S: Oh they do.  And not a single fuck was given, because they seriously have no idea what the fuck's going on.

O: A bunch of people are running around at several of the crash si- sites recording things too.

S: Um-hmm.  Recording stuff, and probably putting it on YouTube-

O: I would assume.

S: -or whatever in-universe equivalent of YouTube.

O: I think it's just YouTube, based on a sequel, but don't quote me on that.

S: Who knows, we even see Ratchet’s weird ambulance mode in the background of some of these shots.  So we can see where and when he scanned it.

O: Apparently, according to the TF Wiki, this is supposed to be a Hummer H2 rescue vehicle.  So not even technically an ambulance.

S: And then we see Jazz at a Cadillac dealership.

O: Isn’t he supposed to be a Porsche?

S: Yep.

O:  I mean, [sighs] why start being accurate with alts now, right?

S: Well, I'm going to assume that Cadillac paid for this product placement.

O: [laughs] Yeah…

S: Whereas, Porsche probably didn't give a shit.

O: And Porsche was already in there so they did pay money, but the Cadillacs probably paid more.

S: Probably, I don’t know. He's- yeah, he's not even a Cadillac.  Jazz is a Pontiac Solstice, so why are we even had a Cadillac dealership?

O: Money.  Ironhide however, is a huge fucking truck now.

S: A GMC Topkick.  He also apparently, uh- a little girl mistakes him for the tooth fairy.

O: It’s pretty cute actually. I gotta give them that.

S: Yep. Optimus lands on scams a conveniently placed semi.

O: [It] kills me that they copy the paint jobs.  I think I’d prefer if the paint jobs were something that were like, inherent to them, to their biology.  But no! There's another truck out there with blue paint and orange and red flames on the side, are you shitting me?

S: I mean…

O: Or on the front.

S: [snickers]  It's likelier than you think.  Does this mean that there is another cop car out there with, “Punish and enslave,” on the side, or it- was this some civilian’s idea of a cop cosplay?

O: [sighs] Well, we do see little details change like the Autobot signals [symbols] on Ratchet’s paint job.  So maybe that was a small enough detail to be changed. The only reason we even know the semi-truck’s paint job is because we saw a drive by.

S: Yeah. Uh, the Autobots show up in an alley where they meet up with uh, Bee, Sam, and Mikaela.

O: Optimus transforms, he's a Kenworth W900 truck in the live-action series.  Which looks somewhat different from his design from the cartoon which was based on a Freightliner WFT-8664T.

S: To make this more confusing they used an entirely different [truck] model while filming, but we're going with uh, Hasbro’s official answer here.

O: Namely, the Freightliner was a cab over truck and the Kenworth isn't.  It's a more traditional semi that you see stateside anyway.

S: He introduces the rest of the bots and their robot modes are also terrible.

O: Jazz apparently learned to speak from the Internets and knows the lingo.

S: Well, presumably they all did.  I think Jazz is the one who actually paid attention.

O: Yeah.

S: Ironhide, our weapons expert.

O: “I blow shit up!”

S: And [uneasy laugh] welcome to one of our least favorite lines ever and it's Ratchet’s introduction no less.

O: And I quote, “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.”

S: [quietly] Oh god.  Ugh...

O: I'd like to remind you all that Ratchet is uh, Specs’ favorite G1 character.  So this is particularly ughhh. [laughs] I’m so sorry.  Not like my faves really go- are handled any better to be fair, except maybe Soundwave.

S: We've also got to make it clear that he can't fix Bee.  So Ratchet zaps him with something or whatever.

O: They just need Powerglide to fix him, obviously!  With his magical ray of healing.

S: Yeah that'd probably do the trick.  Optimus puts on a laser light show to explain the plot to Sam.  And I mean, the laser light show was cool but... this seems like a really weird-

O: Weird place to do it?  But uh, he's Optimus Fucking Prime, he does what he wants.

S: This is all funnier to listen to once you realize just how young the Bayverse versions of Transformers are compared to their counterparts in any other continuity.  Optimus is like 10,000 years old, tops? Compared to the G1 versions, where everyone's like, millions of years old.

O: I would love to see G1 Megs’ reaction to us.  “You're how old!?! Sparklings! Why are sparklings in charge!?!”

S: Why are babies fighting?  Oh my god it's the baby war.

O: [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: Oh god, the fact that there are actually, at least, a few crossovers that's basically Transformers babies.  Where they basically took a concept of Muppet Babies and did it with Transformers.

O: Oh lord, oh lord. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

S: Cause it’s- yeah, Megatron is Meggy.

O: [sighs]

S: I read those-

O: No.

S: -way back-

O: No.  I refuse to believe those exists.

S: [starts laughing]

O: I live in a world where those don’t exist because I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t have object permanence!

B: [laugh]

S: Unfortunately, I can introduce you to things that will make you regret this fandom.

O: You would!  YOU WOULD! [laughs]

S: I’ve in this fandom since like, 2002!

O: You’re like, “Bitch, I been in this fandom for decades!”

S: Well, definitely more than decade at this point.  It will be two decades of-um, in like three years.

O: [laughs]

S: Optimus continues to explain that Megatron basically destroyed Cybertron.

O: Oh sure, blame Megatron for this.  Nevermind what we learn about Sentinel Prime later.

S: And in any case it takes two to tango, so…

O: Uh-huh.

S: It may not have been good if they've just rolled over and let Megatron do whatever the hell he wanted but…

O I don't really trust this Optimus either, soooo, you know.

S: Yeah.  It’s a war, both sides are going to do... a lot of shit.

O: Yup.

S: We get a bit better look at Megatron's design in the flashback, as Optimus continues to explain.

O: Thanks!  I hate it.

S: Megatron here just looks like a bipedal bag of knives.

O: And that sounds like the world's worst cryptid!

S: Optimus tell Sam um, that he may be Earth's only hope.

O: Help me Whitwicky, you're my only hope!

S: What a depressing hope.

O: Definitely!  So now it's time for the plot glasses, which apparently were imprinted with the coordinates for the AllSpark when Sam's great granddad whatever found Megatron.

S: I don't understand the mechanism that did this.

O: I don't either, just roll with it.

S: [sighs]

O: The movie is.

S: [groans] You know, the Decepticons could have literally just bid on the fucking auction for the glasses.

O: And I refuse to believe that, that is not exactly what Soundwave would have done if he was here, because that is the perfectly reasonable plan.

S: Or you know, literally just sending Frenzy to infiltrate his house.  Anything would have been better than what actually happened.

O: Pretty much.  But eBay!

S: That would have- it would have been way funnier if Soundwave had done the, you know, bidding on eBay robot- the robot war is literally a bidding war.

O: Yeah, and less things would have blown up. Michael Bay would have died from lack of explosions, but I- I think that's the price I'm willing to pay.

S: [sighs] Maggie and Glen get brought to the uh, Pentagon... maybe?  They're in some sort of holding cell waiting for interrogation.

O: Yeah... I get- I- I think it's the Pentagon, I'm not actually sure.

S: And then Glen proceeds to eat all the doughnuts that were left in um, left there.  And they're delicious, delicious looking doughnuts.

O: [Homer Simpson intonenation] Emmm, doughnut.   And now driving through a quiet suburban neighborhood, late at night- all of the Autobots!

S:  [sighs] Sam tries to convince the Autobots to stay outside and stay quiet, while he goes inside and tries to find the glasses.  And he's actually um, reasonably polite and respectful about this, considering the situation.

O: Eh... but the Autobots are super impatient.

S: [sighs] And Sam’s dad continues to be an asshole.  Basically moaning about how he spent all his money on a car for Sam, and now Sam gets home late and he had to do all of Sam's chores.  Like the KIND person that he is.

O: So instead of you know, just doing something nice for your kid you're going to just- stand out here, at the screen door, having a dick-measuring contest with your teenage fucking son.  Granted it is pretty fucking hysterical that Optimus and the rest are sneaking around the yard while Sam is desperately trying to be like, “No dad, I got this, you don't need to come out here, it’s fine!”

S: [sharp intake of breath] God, if Sam's dad had actually gone outside.

O: [laughs]

S: How the hell would that have worked?  I mean if he'd had booze or something or he had-  he has like-

O: He just looks at the wine glass and walks back inside.

S: [sharp intake of breath] “I've had too much to drink, I'm going to bed.”

O: [laughs]

S: Cuz all of the Autobot stuff is in the background.

O: Of course, they're stepping on things, knocking things over, the whole works.

S: Why didn't they just stay in car mode?

O: It’s a valid question.  I really don't think Optimus would be this much of an idiot and it makes the Autobots all look like assholes who aren't listening to the person who's trying to help them, and what he's asking them to do.

S: And then to make it worse, Ironhide pulls out his gun and aims it at Sam's dog.

O: Which is what, the equivalent are pulling at a freaking pistol cuz a bug landed on you?  What the hell, man!?!

S: Though Ironhide saying, “Bad mojo!” after Sam prompts him is pretty funny.  And the reason why he pulls out the uh, the big guns is because Sam's dog... pees on him.

O: Yep!  But seriously, this is the dumbest plan guys.

S: Yeah, the Autobots have been waiting all this time and apparently they can't sit still for five minutes, because they're all like, giant toddlers.

O:  [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: [sighs] Transformers babies.  I- I am seriously debating finding that and throwing it at you.

O: You're just- you just want to hurt me.

S: I showed you good stuff!

O: Anyway, Optimus lifts Mikaela up into Sam's room and they both began rummaging around his room to find the glasses.

S: Sam shoos Mikaela away from a certain area in his room and um-

O: That's his porn, that's his porn stash.

S: [sighs] So I guess that's what he was referring to earlier.

O: Probably.

S: And now all of the Autobots are in car mode, in the backyard.  Except they've already done a shitload of damage.

O: Um-hm.

S: Except apparently Ratchet... isn't in car mode.  Cuz he uh-

O: Or he transforms from car mode?

S: Yeah cuz he, uh... he walks into a transformer, a power transformer.

O: Ugh, I'm just not fond of the VA they picked for him here.  I know Prime wasn't out yet, but that guy, we need that guy [Jeffrey Combs] here.  I love [that] Ratchet’s voice.

S: So when Ratchet walked into the power transformer, he knocked out the power.  He fell down I was like, “Oh! That was a kick, that was fun.”

O: [laughs]

Because apparently getting shocked for Transformers feels all tingly and fun.

O: [laughs] I mean…

S: Uh, and so- so at this point, the power is out, Sam's parents think that there's an earthquake cuz Ratchet fell down and made you know, shit happen and then they duck under- well, Sam's dad ducks under a table.  His mom is just like, “How did you get over there so fast?”

O: [laughs] I do enjoy that they're like, “Bring the wine!”  Cuz if they're gonna die, they're gonna die happy.

S: They’re all a little slooshed up at this point.

O: They- they are. [laughs]

S: And then Sam's parents uh, head upstairs to check on Sam and bang on his door.

O: And we present to you, the most awkward conversation ever captured in cinema!

S: Sam's parents are like, “Hey, uh, why was your door locked?  There aren’t- no doors are locked in this house,” and uh, decide to assume uh, masturbation was what was going on.

O: I did not need. [Clears throat] I did not need, or want to hear his mom call it, ”Sam’s special alone time”!  Just no. All the no. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

S: Ironhide asks Optimus if you can shoot them.

O: PLEASE!!!  [dissolves into laughter]  Optimus is like, “No, what's wrong with you!?!”

S: Yeah, and then all of the Autobots are trying to avoid being seen.  So, it's like they're attempting to do a Jenga with the house and they're all scrunched up- around and under Sam's window listening in and it's actually a pretty neat shot.

O: It's pretty funny.  Mercifully, Mikaela saves us from this insanity by stepping out and introducing herself.  So yeah, I think they're just gonna assume they were doing the horizontal mambo, if you know what I mean!

S: His parents apologize that she may have heard their ‘family discussion’.

O: Oh, is that what you're calling talking about your son’s WANKING OFF HABITS!?!

S: [sighs] Your son’s sex life, or lack thereof.

O: Why did you do this to me movie!?!

S: And this is where the federal agents come in.

O: OH THANK GOD!  And we have our main asshole FBI guy- oh sorry, I mean Sector Seven guy, Agent Simmons, JOY.

S: Sam's parents take issue with all of this.  Particularly his mom, who's mad that they're messing up their plants. Oh, and at some point, the father looked outside and was like, “Ah!  The earthquake destroyed all my shit!”

O: [laughs] Cuz he thinks the earthquake did it.

S: And at this point I think Sam's mom's gonna be really unhappy when she realizes just how much damage the Autobots did…

O: Yeah, Optimus stepped on her flowerbed.

S: Yeah.  And then the Sector Seven people want to take Sam away.

O: Personally, I think they can just, you know, have him!  Can we follow Mikaela for the rest of the movie instead, please?

S: Unfortunately, Mikaela gets brought along too.

O: Sam, his parents, and Mikaela are shoved into some cars by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh, and the reason that the uh, the Sector Seven people know to take Sam is that they have some sort of uh, thing that reads radiation and Simmons-

O: And he dropped his cell phone, or the cops still had it, so they [Sector Seven] now have his cell phone.

S: That's true.

O: And his recording of Bee, and him talking.

S: Yeah.

O: And him saying his car is alive.

S: Yeah, but they also have a thing that like, reads the radiation.  So Sam and Mikaela unfortunately, are now probably irradiated... somehow.  Which may or may not give them a very good life expectancy. And oh, Sam's terrible eBay user name gets mentioned again.

O: And you totally see Mikaela roll her eyes at it too.

S: Oh yeah, and they apparently have Sam's phone as you mentioned.  Which is how they tracked him down, and when asked about his ‘stolen’ car Sam says, “It came back.”

O: Right!  Doesn’t your car come back when it's stolen, Specs?

S: No, it's not a boomerang.  Though I suppose if a thief stole it [and] they decided it was super shitty they’d return it because-

O: I feel like they wouldn't even return it.

S: Or it just turns up again, like a block away.

O: I would be more willing to believe that.

S: I think I've seen stuff about that happening, but I don’t know.  Agent Simmons decides to lord his authority over them by uh, showing his badge and declaring it a, “I can do whatever I want and get away with it,” badge.

O: More like an asshole badge!

S: He also starts uh, to threaten Mikaela's dad.

O: Because as previously stated, he is a fucking asshole.  It's not even like Mikaela's got much to do with any of this to begin with.

S: People with power are just assholes-

O: Pretty much.

S: -a lot of the time.  And of course, it's um, prime time to bring up Mikaela's criminal record, because fuck you Simmons.

O: And Sam has the nerve to be horrified when finding out about this.

S: Sam you jackass.  You privileged, rich, white boy.

O: Yup.

S: And then the car is picked up and the- the uh, roof is ripped off by Optimus, once they’re in a suitably isolated area.

O: Optimus then kneels down, has an entire conversation with agent Simmons and Co.

S: He gets mad and tells them to get out of the car.

O: What’s left of it you mean?

S: I mean, it probably runs, maybe?

O: [laughs] He took off- like, the entire top half of it off!

S: Yes, but that- that's a not the part that keeps it from running.

O: And dropped it quite a ways.

S: Yeah... that's true, I don't know.  Mikaela finally tells Sam off for shitty comments about her criminal record earlier by asking him, “When have you ever had to give up anything in your perfect little life?”  Mikaela has a criminal record because she wouldn't rat out her dad.

O: Yeah, which- and depending on how old she is this should not have really even been legal to begin with.

S: Yeah.

O: Like, this like, I’m- I'm assuming this happened sometime between when she was 8 and 12 and it means that somebody chose to basically to prosecute her at a higher age bracket.  [My logic for this is that there’s a comment about him not always having been able to afford a babysitter for her so I assume she wouldn’t have been old enough to stay home by herself, but take that with a grain of salt.  ~O]

S: Yeah.

O: Which is shitty.  But, that statement, that line, is the most accurate description of Sam.  Here is a person who comes from privilege, he stumbles upon events that bestow him even more privilege and he acts entitled- so, so very entitled, during it all.

S: Yup, and then we get the part where Bumblebee pees on Agent Simmons.

O: [sighs]

S: [sighs]  It’s just like, whyyyyy?

O: Does this mean he's low on those fluids now?  Is Ratchet gonna have to top him off later? And why is that there?  I mean why does it exist at all sure, but specifically, why is it where a dick would be on a person!?!

S: Yeah, why is it framed like that?  From the perspective of the person being peed on?

O: [sighs] I don't know, but now that his friends are here Sam is going to be as douchey as possible because he orders Simmons to remove his pants.

S: And according to his under clothes or at least his undershirt, Sector Seven sells or has branded clothing items available for their agents.

O: The Autobots leave but, oh no!  They [the agents] were on the phone the whole time.

S: [sighs] Meaning, backup arrives shortly thereafter and the Autobots proceed to hide under a bridge.  Optimus carrying Mikaela and Sam in his arms.

O: Just putting this out there, but I too would like to be carried in Optimus’ big, strong arms.

S: Carried in his gentle, strong hands.  Though I mean, preferably G1 Optimus, or one of the other Optimuses.

O: Yeah, yeah, just not this Optimus.  I want the Optimus from Prime, he seems like a very calm, kind guy to give me a ride on her shoulders, that sounds nice.

S: I'll take G1 Optimus, he's a- he's very dad shaped.

O: He is the most dad shaped.

S: I'd also accept Animated Optimus.

O: Yeah... yeah, he seems nice.

S: Maybe Cyberverse, well I don't know.

O: He seems like, unsure dad shaped, and I can deal with that.

S: Yeah, and I'll leave out all the other Optimi.  Though maybe Optimus Primal might be good for a hug.

O: He would be great for a hug.  Unfortunately, they're not that much bigger than people so it would not be the same kind of ride in his big, strong arms.

S: [laughs] He’s more-

O: It still sounds nice but-

S: -more of a piggyback ride.

O: Yeah.

S: And to get away from our uh, hugging and carrying uh, discourse- there's just so many explosions happening right now.

O: Sure, don't worry about those roads or infrastructure, this is fine.

S: Oh no, Sam and Mikaela almost fell, but don't worry Optimus has slowed their descent with [laughs] his nice soft foot.

O: I guess that this is the one thing they kept from G1, huh?

S: Yeah.

O: [laugh]

S: And apparently Cybertronians are weak to ice and electricity now.  Except... didn't Ratchet think that the power-

O: Think that the electricity was nice?  I don't know, but Bumblebee gets the crap beaten out of him by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh my god, maybe Ratchet’s… [starts laughing]

O: Nope, nope, I think I know what went through your head and we’re not going there.  It was disturbing when Bee got hurt, okay!?!

S: [continued laughter with increasing volume]

O: [laughs] I mean I’m sure Drift would be into it, but that’s not the point!

S: [sustained laughter continues]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image with Starscream and Megatron getting caught up in an explosion, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: [high pitched laughter continues]

[The laughter is cut off, and the same technical difficulties message and elevator music from before returns.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: I am under control again. [laughs]

O: ANYWAY, Bumblebee gets the crap beat out of him by the Sector Seven guys, it's more than a little disturbing.

S: Keep in mind that before this we really only had uh, G1 and Beast Wars as like, the main well-known Transformers things.  I mean maybe Beast Machines?

O: Eh, Beast Wars, Beast Machines, I end to count them together, since they're in the same continuity even though they're different series, but- but I know what you mean, sorry.

S: Yeah, it's just those ones would have been the ones that most people- that would have stuck out in like, the main- I don’t know, cultural hive mind, probably.  Cuz I don't think like, any of the animes would have made that much of a dent.

O: Yeah.

S: So uh, hopefully you enjoy watching your fav get tortured by the US government.

O: And the way this is framed, because Bee doesn't have a working voice box, really comes across that they're like, taking something from Sam.  Not that Sam is worried about his friend! Bee is just treated like property, by both the plot and the framing. And this is in such a stark contrast to the Bumblebee movie.  Where even though he couldn't talk, even though he was a CG character, he still felt like an actual character.

S: Yeah, in the Bumblebee movie, Bumblebee actually had an emotional arc.  When Charlie first sees him, she treats him like a person that needs care and kindness.  He- he still couldn't talk- like, he was immediately showing recognizable and understandable emotions.

O: And body language.

S: Mm-hmm, and then there's Bumblebee in this one where he can't talk, but he's just an asshole and he's gonna pee on things.

O: And you're my new best friend, and I'm gonna keep you safe, you know- just like a fucking guard dog.

S: [sighs]

O: Bee, story wise in relation to Sam, is treated more like a pet, and it is weird.

S: Yeah.  Simmons catches up with the two of them and Bee, continuing to be an asshole and taking another pot shot at Mikaela as they're being taken away.

O: And they're just going to ignore the other Autobots in the distance apparently.

S: Yep, they're still hiding under the bridge.  They're all tucked away under that bridge, which is apparently uh, enough to keep them from being spotted by helicopters.  Oh, and apparently the um- while the Autobots couldn't be bothered about the flower beds before, Optimus can see and gently pick up the plot glasses that Sam uh, well basically Sam lost them when they fell and Optimus caught them with his soft foot.

O: Yes.  And then army talk, army talk, army talk, boy let me tell ya... just how much I do not care.

S: And then the Secretary of Defense was apparently unaware of Sector Seven’s existence until now because he didn't need to know about them.

O: You know, copying Independence Day only with him instead of the president.

S: [sighs] Sector Seven is a special access division of the government created by President Hoover.  Hm...

O: And at Nellis Air Force Base, Lennox and his team are intercepted before they can head home.  Basically they're voluntold they're gonna help with this alien robot crisis.

S: Yup.  And the Secretary of Defense's meeting with the Sector Seven guys and intends to bring Maggie with them.

O: This whole scene feels very much like, “Yes, and…”  The Secretary of Defense wants Maggie to be his adviser, but when Glen asks if he is coming too and the Secretary of Defense asks, “Who is this?” Maggie just responds “He's my advisor,” and he [the Secretary of Defense] just goes with it, brings Glen along too.

S: Glen's getting the ride of a lifetime.

O: Yup!

S: I guess.

O: And finally, we get some of our separate plot threads to come together as Sam, Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and the Secretary of Defense are now loaded up in the same helicopter and head to the Hoover Dam.

S: Weren't Maggie and the Secretary of Defense and Glen in goddamn Washington DC?

O: Yes.  Yeah.

S: Kill me now.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Poor Mikaela, she just looks so tired and done with everything.

O: You just know she hasn't slept all night.

S: Honestly they probably got shoved in a holding cell, so no.

O: Yeah, and then shoved on a helicopter.

S: Yeah, here's some more Bumblebee tortured before cutting back to the Autobots talking about how they must go on and they can sense that the AllSpark is near.

O: With what?  Your bullshit radar!?!

S: Maybe they can sense it with their pheromone detectors.

O: Ratchet, what can your robot eye-

S: [laughs]

O: Ratchet what can your robot nose smell?  Frenzy is tiny, and up to shenanigans.

S: It's time to break into the Hoover Dam!

O: So just getting back to this, because the movie really, really wants to bring this home, Sam can't possibly go out with someone with a juvie record.  He wouldn't you know, want a date below his class, or marry below his class, or god forbid fuck below his class, right?

S: Sam you asshole.

O: Yup!

S: And boom, we have a Megatron.

O: Thanks, I hate it.

S: Still frozen, and presumably unconscious and offline.

O: Sector Seven’s been keeping him on ice for a while apparently.

S: Yeah, and apparently a good chunk of modern technological advancements since the thirties has been due to humans studying Megatron.  Oh god, now I'm just thinking about mechanical television. Did mechanical television come from Megatron?

O: Sure.  Sure. Why not, why not?  “Yes, and.”

S: Simmons continues to antagonize the group.  Who...who isn't a jackass in this group?

O: [sighs] Like, look, I don't like Sam but maybe Simmons, as the fucking adult needs to get his dick out of his hands and stop getting into Sam's personal space.  It's creepy!

S: Honestly, a lot of the adult men in this movie are just creepy.

O: Yeah.

S: I mean, Lennox and Epps and the soldiers-

O: Aren’t-

S: - don’t seem to be creepy but...

O: Yeah.

S: Most of them, most of them-

O: Yeah, like his dad is shitty like... well- I guess Glen and the Secretary of Defense aren't bad?

S: Yeah, but they don't get a whole lot of screen time and also one of them's over 60.

O: That’s also true.  Anyway, it is explained that the AllSpark was hidden and that they built the Hoover Dam around it.

S: How did the Native Americans in the area not know about it?

O: Maybe it was underwater?  If it was visible they absolutely would have but I wouldn't put it past the Army or Sector Seven, or whoever, to conveniently ignore that fact.

S: But, um, would have been a river before the dam was put in and-

O: Obviously, Specs, you’re forgetting how deep rivers are.

S: The fact that you actually spent time looking to attempt to look this up-

O: I tried, and I could not find a straight answer! [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not exactly like they were going around do river measuring in that time period is it?

O: No... I’m still sad I couldn't find a straight answer though.

S: And I mean, who knows, maybe they accidentally made it a huge afterward.

O: I- I do think that would legitimately be funny, is like, some scientist poked it the wrong way and now it's like, “Oops, it just takes up the entire hanger now, sorry guys.”

S: [laughs] It’s like, “Oh shit.  Oh shit, I'm glad it didn't crush me.”

O: Yeah.

S: [sigh] The AllSpark just has random powers.

O: Frenzy now has a body again.

S: Yeah, Frenzy, uh- Frenzy was taken along this entire time in Mikaela's bag, I think?

O: Yeah, pretty much.  Like, he got out of her bag and sort of crawled into Hoover- the Hoover Dam.

S: Yeah, and he's able to signal the rest of the Decepticons with the Megatron's location and then we get to see them finally begin to mobilize.

O: And now, an hour and 40 minutes into this movie, we have a Starscream.  There is no power on heaven or Earth that can make me believe that that is his holoform.  Mark my words, I don't care if IDW never gave him the holoform, but his holoform form would be female, and no one can stop me.

S: [sighs] And then more on the AllSpark’s plethora of abilities, apparently they can use it to turn random electronics into Transformers.  Which... the Autobots would probably consider kind of horrifying, because these are babies and now the babies are dead.

O: Yep.

S: Simmons proceeds to demo this for us by taking Glen's cell phone and zapping it's to life.

O: I will forever be confused for this, why does it seem like the AllSpark always makes stuff that's evil?

S: I mean it's a baby.

O: I know, but it has red optics, I feel like we have to assume it's a Decepticon.

S: Maybe the Decepticons are the last people who had it if they'd programmed it for red optics-

O: [laughs] So you’re telling me it’s stuck on the make evil setting?  Got it.

S: It’s possible!  I don't know how this works, and it’s not like we're gonna get a demonstration of it later, considering what happens.

O: Yeah, yeah…

S: And Simmons proceeds to kill this little phone Transformer by basically electrocuting the shit out of it.

O: We create life, then we kill it, but we're the good guys remember!  And now, finally, Dorito-scream has been achieved!

S: It's just so triangular.

O: I don't know why Starscream looks like a giant flying Dorito in this-

S: It might-

O: -but I find it hilarious.

S: It might be his color scheme… partially.

O: He doesn’t really have a color scheme.

S: Yes, but-

O: It’s just he’s so triangular!

S: Yes, but he's also kind of beige.

O: Eh, you’re right, that doesn’t really help things.  Uh, Frenzy manages to take out the power for Sector Seven’s facilities.

S: How does a dam lose power considering in generates power?

O: I don’t know, Specs.

S: Sorry, I mean, I guess it's possible that he could, like basically prevent water from going through the dam by freezing something, but…

O: I think he actually just started destroying the mechanical stuff, so like the generators and stuff.  It's now time to defrost our Decepticon warlord on high.

S: Frenzy is getting busy in the control room again- again blowing all of the shit up, and then all of the scientists in the main bay when Megatron is being held seem like, super unfazed by the deep thaw that's starting.

O: You guys need to run.  I have zero doubts that Megatron won't kill you out of sheer spite.

S: Yup.  Did you know that there was a whole armoury of bullshit under the Hoover Dam?  Because of all- the soldiers are like, “Pass the guns! Give me that buffet of guns and ammo!”

O: And Lennox is kind of done with Simmons, because uh, yeah uh, violence is uh, implied. I'm so glad that this movie is all violence, no character development, or emotions, or feelings  We don't have feeling Specs, because we are sex having heterosexual men! Hetero men who have sex with women, never mind that G1 is one of the least straight things I've ever seen in my life!

S: To be fair to the soldiers they did not sign up for this bullshit, and then they got dragged into and all they wanted to do was go home.

O: And-and look, I would be pretty upset about being shoved into the same room as Agent Simmons.  So yeah, I can't blame them too much.

S: Yeah.

O: They go to retrieve Bumblebee.

S: And Sam's like, “Stop electrocuting my car!”  Not even, “Stop electrocuting that guy.” “Stop electrocuting my car.”

O: Of course!  And Bumblebee just gives a him a look like, “Dude, I have had the shittiest day.”

S: Yup, and poor dude is like, super jumpy and paranoid but I mean who wouldn't- who wouldn't be?

O: I- yeah, I mean considering he was tortured all night- he's got ever right!  I still legitimately don't know what catching Bee accomplished!

S: I don't think it accomplished shit except getting him to this location, which I guess was the plot contrivance.  And now we've got the magical size changing cube.  As Bumblebee touches the AllSpark and like, pokes it a bit and then suddenly it is like hand-sized, for him.

O: Even their spark of life can mass shift apparently.

S: Oh god. [snickers] It's from a planet of shapeshifters.  Apparently mass shifting is just what this stupid thing does.

O: Apparently.

S: Everybody can just understand Bee now, this is fine.  And, oh, Bee’s been talking in like, radio and music references this entire time, and I don't think we ever mentioned that.

O: [laughs] You're right I don't think we did.  He isn't talking normally, he's using recordings.

S: He talks TV, basically.

O: Pretty much. Well, asshole’s up!  “This is not where I fell asleep, I'll have you know!”

S: He’s a lot less uh, he's a lot less of a morning person than Skyfire was.

O: [laughs]

S: Skyfire was much more genteel about the entire thing.

O: [laughs]

S: Megatron's a jet in this, so we’re- you know just so we're all on the same page here.  He meets up with his second-in-command Dorito-san.

O: [laughing] Dorito-san!?!

S: [laughing] Sorry... He meets up with his second-in-command, you know, the Dorito.

B: [laugh]

O: There's some groveling that happens.  Megatron tells Starscream he's disappointed in him and all I can think is- he didn't even do anything yet!

S: Apparently he couldn't find Megatron, which I guess is what he's disappointed in.

O: I guess?  “Do you realize I had to listen to... Francois talk about his- his terrible wife for three weeks, do you realize that [Starscream]!?!”

S: Simmons, the Secretary of Defense, Maggie, and Glen uh, remain behind when everyone else heads out to go to... stuff.  So while everyone else is going and doing stuff the- [sighs] the dam crew, that's what I'm going to call them.

O: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m here for this.

S: They attempt to contact the Air Force, to try and get some you know, backup for Bee and company.

O: They do this by using some very antiquated equipment, because the Cons have knocked out most communication worldwide.

S: Which is not explored in this movie, let alone any others.

O: Yeah, because this would be like a thing that should affect everybody.

S: Yes, there goes-

O: Or at least everybody in the in the US.

S: Yeah, frankly I'm kind of- well, no, apparently landlines don't work and I don't understand why.

O: I don't either.

S: But yeah, cuz this- this would have wiped out... literally every communication except apparently shortwave radio.  But apparently, yeah, shortwave radio will still work. Which is what they're attempting to use here. They get the brilliant idea to hotwire a computer to transmit a tone through a radio signal, while they're trying to hold off Frenzy who is trying to get into the room that they're- that they’ve holed themselves up in.  Which... it's a weird, weird room.

O: It is, but now back to how sexy the cars are!  Look at the car, so sexy!

S: Why is everything so orange?  I will bemoan the orange!

O: We can’t have no girly colors in here conveying emotions, Specs!  Look at the cars!

S: [sighs] And the Autobots immediately join up with Bee, it's convoy time!

O: [attempts to sing] We're gonna roll this truckin convoy- oh god that’s the right tune.  I even looked it up!

S: Oh!  I've got it on my phone.

[The audio cuts and “Convoy,” by C. W. McCall plays]

B: [singing] “We have a little ol’ convoy, burning through the night!  Yeah, we got a little convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy!  Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U-S-A. Convoy!”

[The audio cuts as a record scratch noise plays]

O: That’s enough of a music break!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Maggie and company began to arm themselves with some of the older guns um, from the display cases in the room they're stuck in.

O: Oh yeah, I'm sure those will shoot just fine!

S: Where did they even find the ammo or…?

O: Yeah!  Because why would the ammo be stored with most of the stuff that's on display?

S: I mean that thing- I mean like, having the ammo for interest but yeah, why would they have ammo or even gun powder in this room?  [quietly] I don’t know. [normal volume] And then it's back to Bee again.

O: Wow, I just don't care!  Even the G1 episodes, where they were constantly swapping back and forth between a bunch of different scenes, are better than this.

S: Those typically have more things happening in them.

O: Surprisingly, yes.  I'd much rather watch Megatron throw shit at Starscream.

S: Honestly, that's more cohesive.

O: And that is saying something.

S: Okay, so one of the Decepticons, Bonecrusher, catches up with the Bots and Optimus transforms into a robot mode to protect the others.

O: He just seems like such an asshole here, they're literally fighting on a highway.  There are so many people that must die here!

S: Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of amused by how it looks like their roller-skating but that doesn't exactly take away from the- oh, there's a terrifying robot deathmatch and so many people are dying.

O: Yeah and but- but thanks Bay!  I'm so glad that this one kid and his mom survived.  Thanks for that.

S: God, so many people probably need therapy in this universe.

O: I would think so.

S: Frenzy is now in the vents.

O: Good boy, you go get ‘em!  Even if the B team is definitely the better… group.

S: He comes out and falls so straight onto a glass case, uh-

O: That's my boy!

B: [laugh]

S: Like, he's using shuriken things, like he was using a shuriken things before, but now he's been like boomerang- boomeranging shit around and he accidentally beheads himself with his boomerang shuricane- shuriken thingy.

O: That's my boy! [laughs] So interestingly (to me anyway), it seems like this- the movie series uh, kind of made the whole- the whole integrated weapon thing for the Transformers more common.  I know you saw it a bit in G1, but it seemed kind of inconsistent in either how it worked or what weapons they had. Ironhide, just Ironhide, right?

S: Mm-hm.

O: Um, but- but this made it more consistent, like especially in Prime you- you saw that consistency and thought applied to the weapons and how that- they access them throughout the entire series, which was really nice.

S: It was also pretty consistent with Animated, which I think came out around the same time as this movie though I don't remember if it was prior to the movie being released or afterward.  

[TFA was released in December of 2007, whereas the first Transformers live action film had been released in July 2007. ~O]

O: Well, and I mean, either, or- either the movie borrowed from it, or it borrowed from the movie with Megatron kind of being that thing that advanced tech for-

S: Yeah.

O: -for humanity, which was just kind of weird, but yeah.

S: Or they both borrowed it from the comics, and then just made it consistent because they do have pretty integrated weaponry in the original Marvel comics.

O: That- that's true I-I meant- I thought you meant the uh, Megatron being- being why we had any technological advancement-

S: Oh-

O: -and I was really confused for a good minute.

S: No, no, no, no, sorry, just the-the integrated weaponry.

O: Fair.

S: Though [laughs] Animated did that Megatron’s the reason that they have-

O: Yeah!  That- that like, New Detroit or Detroit has like all this like, amazing tech.

S: Our convoy enters Mission City, and prepares to hold off the Decepticons to prevent them from getting the AllSpark.

O: Why did they bring this into a city?

S: I don't know, no one explains their shitty decisions here.

O: It gets weirder because apparently, when they were writing or making the movie there- they originally have thought to have the climax in the Grand Canyon.  Which seems like that would make a lot more sense? Like, sure, there's less coverage per se, but way less civilian life in danger!

S: It would have also involved like, immense environmental destruction but that’s not something they would have been concerned about.

O: I just don’t see- I don't see how that would have been more work then the city.

S: They may have had issues actually getting- well no, they could have done it all in green screen but…

O: Anyway, we've contacted the Air Force, so the dam team has succeeded.

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, Lennox and his dudes communicate what they need.

S: Oh honey, that's not the Air Force.  That's really not the Air Force.

O: But only Ironhide seems to realize it's actually Starscream that's approaching.

S: Bee uses a random... well, it's got a Furby on it, so it's the Furby delivery truck as cover.

O: Starscream shoots said truck and send everyone flying.  Everyone else is covered in dirt and grime here- and I mean technically so is Mikaela, but she has an almost angelic glow about her when she wakes up in a pile of rubble looking at Sam.  Sam also has an angelic glow because remember, he gonna hit that.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Uh-huh, Bumblebee has lost his legs in the last attack.

O: And Bumblebee is basically half a bot, let's keep that in our back pocket for later shall we?

S: Yeah.  Mikaela being the badass lady that she is like, “ We're gonna move Bee!  We're going to get this done!” And proceeds to break into and hotwire a tow truck to do just that.

O: Go Mikaela. Bee gives the AllSpark to Sam and conveys to him that he should go on without him basically.

S: And then another Decepticon um, Demolisher, shows up and uh, Ironhide, Ratchet and Jazz engage him.  And I think Demolisher’s a tank?

O: Yeah… and I think that one [the tank] was Demolisher?  I think this is something that really frustrates me about Sam though,  so much what happening- what is happening around him seems rooted in the sense of self sacrifice, but yet he doesn't ever have to sacrifice anything?

S: Like, the only things that he might theoretically have to sacrifice could be his life.  And he never does that, he's never even like, even remotely close to doing something like that except by accident.

O: Exactly.

S: By like, falling off a building.

O: Yeah, like it's never, “I'm going to-,” it never feels like, “I am going to choose to do this thing.”

S: Yeah, and then random boob and ass shot from some random lady who's in danger.

O: And I'm not judging her for what she's wearing, but you just know she got put in that outfit and put into that shot for one reason which was titillation and I'm like, did you have to?  In a movie about giant robots, did you have to?

S: It's only theoretically about giant robots, you know it's about Sam-

O: [sighs] Yeah...

S: and his boner.

O: [quietly] Boner of fate.

S: [high pitched laughter]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of one of the Conehead Seekers in a t-rex’s jaws, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: Megatron lands, and you know, shouts his own name.

O: Why are you- why did he do that!?!  Is he a Pokemon now? “Megatron! MEGATRON!” [laughs]

S: He’s got to announce his presence.

O: [still laughing] Obviously!

S: Poor Jazz attacks Megatron, and Megatron grabs him before flying off and landing on top of a building.

O: And then he rips Jazz in two.

S: Poor Jazz will not survive this.

O: Remember what I said earlier?

S: About Bee?

O: Yeah. [sighs] You- you brought up a good point prior, technically Bee only lost his legs from the knee down, but I'm just gonna say, they are giant fucking robots and I still don't feel like Jazz should have died here.  Also, according to the TF Wiki there was some point during development when Megatron was going to literally, not figuratively, literally, eat other bots’ sparks, so if that had been what had happened- Jazz being dead would have made a lot more sense!

S: How in a movie about alien freaking robots does Bay manage to kill the metaphorical black guy first?  Why?

O: I don't know why he killed anyone here!  We've barely gotten to see the robots at all!

S: Apparently, we have to make uh, make there be some sort of... I don't know, people are dying, this stuff is really real.  Except... no, they use the guy who's- basically Jazz's speech patterns are close- are I don't know, AAVE? American… African-American Vernacular, I think?

O: Eh, it’s- he's coded African American because of his speech patterns-

S: Yeah.

O: -is probably, how I would know-

S: The way, yes-

O: -the best way to say it?  And I'm just super sorry if that's not accurate.

S: Yeah, we- we apologize if this is inaccurate and offends anyone.  It isn't our intention.

O: Yeah.  But- but yeah, like effectively, [sighs] he, ugh, it’s just literally he- he killed the black guy.  I know he's not literally a black guy, but- but that is how he has been characterized.

S: That's just... that's how it feels.

O: Yeah.

S: And back to Dumbass McGee.  Sam is tasked with taking the AllSpark to the top of this building, so that they can hand it off to the Air Force.

O: Did they miss the whole Megatron and Starscream have jet alts bit?

S: I'm gonna go with, yes.

O: Apparently, okay.  Just checking.

S: Everyone is a very, very disrespectful, like they're fucking disrespectful as fuck to Mikaela and no one gives Sam shit but Mikaela trying to get Bee out of the way invites comments.

O: Golly, I wonder why!

S: And Optimus finally arrives.

O: What took him so long!?!

S: He got lost!  He fell off a highway and wasn't sure which way everyone else went, and also, with all the you know, internet and Wi-Fi and everything knocked out, he didn't have any GPS.

O: [laughs] That is the best excuse- that’s the best explanation I've heard. Headcannon accepted!

S: It’s not like he's driven around there before, and I don't think he has Ratchet’s nose. [laughs]

O: No, no, no, nope, uh-hm-

S: [continues laughing]

O: - nope that’s it, I’m leaving!

S: [continues laughing]

O: I’m done, I’me done! [unintelligible] -of Ratchet’s nose!

S: [continues laughing]

[A door slams]

S: [continues laughing]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of Soundwave being thrown into a rocket, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: And then Megatron shows up, transforming into robot mode.

O: So I don’t hate his alt exactly, but I just can't help but think Prime did this better.  Of course his voice was better too, but what do I know!?! Sorry, is my salt showing? Seriously though, I find it funny that both damn times that go to make a Transformers movie, they- they get Cullen to do Optimus, but they don't get Welker to Megatron.  Only to have Welker either return to do the character in the TV show or later in the movie series. Although it's kind of funny cuz they took him out in the movie and had somebody else play Galvatron and it's the exact opposite in the live-action, where once Galvatron shows up Welker is doing him.  The irony.

S: That is funny.  And then Megatron and Optimus fight.

O: Finally!  We get some of that homoerotic fighting this series is so known for!  He's sitting on Optimus punching him, yep.

S: Except a lot of this is done in a shaky cam so..

O: Yeah, so it's still terrible but eh, I mean, at least we're getting... sexual tension now?

B: [laugh]

S: And Sam is somehow running faster than the robots, how???  They have a wider stride.

O: Dunno, but it’s the return of Dorito-scream!

S: And Ironhide tells Sam to run, like he wasn't already doing that.

O: Mikaela however, is a stone cold badass.

S: Her and Bee enter the fray, with her driving backwards and Bee doing all the shooting and fighting.  “I'll drive, you shoot,” indeed.

O: I really feel like they bond here, but we never get to see him be as good friends with her as he is with Sam which seems really shitty.  This scene had actual feelings! Emotions! Characters vibing with each other, dammit! Mikaela's like, “I'm scared, but I can help you and I know you want to help,” and I am here for that.

S: Yeah, they're actually working together instead of Sam who so far has uh, either been chasing the car, or being chased by the car, or possibly driving the car.

O: But not actually driving the car, like all movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam gets up on the roof and uh, manages to set off a flare.

O: But Starscream is RIGHT THERE, so the helicopter gets shot down before they can retrieve the AllSpark.

S: God, there is such a body count in this movie.

O: Right!?!  But it's fine because Sam and his penis, I mean hec-

S: [laughs]

O: Sam and his boner, I mean Sam and his not girlfriend survive.

S: Ugh, Optimus attempts to reach Sam.

O: And doesn't try to stop the falling helicopter at all.

S: It doesn't have the thing he wants.

O: [It’s] so fucked up.

S: Megatron reaches the roof and demands that Sam hands over the AllSpark.

O: Megatron then asks if it's courage or fear that compels him, which I will say- fear!  Obviously! The man has never known courage in his entire life!

S: Sam is- well, ok, so the entire time this exchange was going on, Sam was like, holding on to like, the front or back of this statue that's up on the roof.

O: Mm-hmm.

S: And, uh, basically Sam, and I think the statue, get knocked off the building.  But don't worry, Optimus catches him with his big soft hands.

O: Obviously.  Also, we see Optimus’ battle mask, it's something that was kind of neat.  An interesting idea when done WELL, like say, Prime or even Animated! You can pray this soap box for my COLD DEAD HANDS.

S: It's also not bad Cyberverse, but that's significantly newer.

O: Yeah, but it would be pulling from the other two.

S: Yeah.  And, um, how are people still driving around in this city?  Wasn't- well, I mean, there wouldn't- well, okay, I guess... there may be people who haven't gotten the memo about the giant robot war.

O: I just feel like, maybe they would have seen the smoke, or the explosions, and decided driving would be bad, but I don’t know…

S: I don't know how well sound travels in this city.

O: Who knows.  Optimus and Megatron both hit the street and seem to need a few seconds to shake the fall off, despite Sam being perfectly fucking fine.

S: That makes zero sense.  Humans are, uh... special.

O: [sighs] Optimus tells Sam that if he can't defeat Megatron, then Sam needs to push the AllSpark into Optimus’ chest- to make sure Megs doesn't get it.

S: Like, this is actually something that I think Optimus has said before?

O: Yeah, he- he said it to the Autobots earlier and- and Ratchet was like, “That might kill ya both!  Dumbass.”

S: Yeah.

O: Only without the dumbass-

S: I think-

O: -that’s my addition.  I know how to write Ratchet talking better than this movie does.  Fight me. [laughs]

S: Optimus just seems kind of suicidal at this point.

O: I mean… yeah.  He does not seem happy.

S: Yeah.

O: I mean, like, look, I can't think anybody would be happy in the middle of war or anything, but at least feel like G1 Optimus probably has moments.  Prime Optimus probably at least loves his team, to some capacity. Animated Optimus loves his team. As for as much as they drive him nuts.

S: [laughs]

O: This Optimus?  I don't think there's a single thing, a single spark of joy in this mech’s life.

S: Yeah, and back to the Decepticons, it’s Blackout time.

O: I kind of like how its rotors look like a cape when he transforms.

S: They wiggle.

O: THEY WIGGLE.

S: I- I enjoy the wiggly cape and it-

O: I do too!

S: And it’s- it’s helicopter rotors are like that.

O: Yeah, like, you kind of see with Blades a little bit in Rescue Bots too.

S: Yeah, he's a wiggly boy.  Lennox and company are able to defeat Blackout with some help from the Air Force.

O: Do they kill him with shot to the crotch?

S: [laughs] That’s entirely possible.

O: [laughs]

S: Lennox, I think, ends up taking... I don't know, the thing with- cuz-

O: They like- he slides underneath him and shoots.  So I’m like, “Did you kill him with a shot to the robo dick?”

S: [laughs]

O: Really?  Is that the Decepticons’ weakness?  That’s good to know. Optimus, aim there!

B: [laugh]

S: Oh, um, and so... basically, there's apparently a particular type of round that they have to use. Tha- it's like, a Sabot-something or other at that-

O: I don’t remember.

S: Yeah.

O: And I didn't- I didn't actually write it down because it was not important enough to me, sorry.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Starscream takes out a good chunk of the military reinforcements and so like, at one point one of the soldiers is like, “Friendlies don't fly under building height,” or whatever.

O: They proceed to fly in the building height a few scenes later.

S: Yeah, while…

O: Starscream is transforming in and out of jet mode to take them out.

S: Yes, so yeah, there's- god, there is so much mortality going on here.  Cuz there's like, multiple planes going down-

O: Uh-huh

S: -in the middle of this inner city area.

O: And like, I will say, and we both comm- or I think you commented on like- it is a- it's a good fight like, for how Starscream would fight.

S: Yeah.

O: Because he’s sort of constantly shifting back and forth.

S: Yeah, I think he's choosing good aerial tactics for what he is.

O: He is and it’s really neat, actually.

S: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  From a mortality from human perspective point that's horrifying but...

O: That’s true.  Elsewhere, Megatron and Optimus continue to fight but Optimus is definitely losing.

S: Yeah, and so, Sam's been underfoot I guess, the entire time?

O: And he hasn't been squished.

S: Yeah.

O: Pity.

S: So instead of shoving the cube into Optimus’ chest he shoves it into Megatron's, because apparently Megatron’s spark is just out there on display… somehow?

O: Shit!  We don't know what that does!  What if he accidentally gave him immortality or something!?!

S: Apparently that didn't happen, cuz it seems- apparently that killed Megatron and like destroyed the cube???

O: Ahh?  [laughs]

S: And now Ironhide is walking around carrying both halves of Jazz's corpse like... babies in the crook of his arms.  Before handing them all over to Optimus.

O: That’s not awkward at ALL! [laughs]

S: Sam, Mikaela, and Bee reunite.

O: Exposition by the Secretary of Defense lets us know that the President has ordered the end of Sector Seven and all the Decepticon remains have been dropped into the Linares Trench where the cold and water pressure should keep them entombed.

[I don’t know if we misheard this when we were watching the movie or what, but according to TF Wiki it was the Laurentian Abyss, I’m really not sure where we got Linares from. ~O]

S: [sighs] Later, at yet another sunset, um…

O: [laughs] There's so many of those in this movie!  Optimus Prime closes out the movie, leaving us with a message of questionable hope and alerting any remaining Autobots that they may come to Earth.

S: We'll see some of them in the next movie.  Um...

O: But this is all while Sam and Mikaela are getting hot and heavy on top of Bumblebee’s windshield.

S: Yup.  That's- that's a person guys!  Maybe don't make out on top of him unless this is some sort of really weird three-way.  Which, ok, maybe not so weird if they're into that, but I don't think they discussed it.

O: [laughs] All the other Autobots in the background are totally watching too, so it just sort of feels like, extra level of creepy.

S: Yeah.  It really does.  I'm just shaking my head.  And um-

O: That's this movie in a nutshell, man.

S: The credits roll as the incredibly soothing tones of Linkin Park uh, they- they play and they escort us out of this movie.

O: So let mercy come, except for Decepticons because they don't deserve it according to this movie.

S: A few other scenes are cut into the credits.

O: Mostly involving Sam's parents.

S: It's really unimportant.

O: We do see Starscream escape into space though.

S: So, what are our conclusions?

O: Watching the Bumblebee movie and the entirety of Transformers Prime will get you everything that was pleasant about this movie and be a more enjoyable experience.  Maybe go do that instead? The Prime designs even seem at least loosely based on some of the live-action designs, you know some of the elements [of them] that I actually liked.  Real talk? It introduced some interesting concepts, but overall I hated it pretty much the entire time I was watching it. Specs?

S: I would have preferred to see a different movie, perhaps involving some of these characters but not all of them.  Um, specifically I would have liked to see something starring Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and Miles. Miles would have definitely been like, just you know, the random straight man who has no idea what the hell's going on.  While the other three are hyper- well they're all hyper competent at something, and then the soldiers could have been interesting secondary characters too.

But you know, there were really too many characters in this movie for anyone to have a complete character arc. So it would work better with a smaller cast, maybe just focusing on the first four that I mentioned?  Either that or having a TV series with the soldiers coming in as liaisons with the military kind of like Fowler from Prime. Some sort of buddy comedy with the first four or just a more- actually, something with more of the tone of Prime as a TV series-

O: Yeah.

S: - would have- would have worked well.

O: So like, what robots would you want to see in that?

S: Uh, I mean, if I was going to keep the Bayverse robots... I just want to see more characterization from them and better writing.  But if I could have any character, G1 based Ratchet, uh, maybe Hot Rod or Bumblebee for you know, kid appeal.  If I was gonna pick between live-action Bumblebees, I'd go with the Bumblebee [movie] Bumblebee.

O: Yeah, he was definitely better.

S: A G1 based Wheeljack, Cyberverse Grimlock.  Uh, if it was something that was gonna be more lighthearted, maybe the Rescue Bots, particularly Blades.  Cuz I would like a flight frame in there.

O: Yeah.

S: And… so- Optimus, even if he's only someone who shows uh, sometimes?

O: Periodically, yeah.

S: Optimus would be good.  If this was going to be a heavier thing, keep the Rescue Bots off.  And, I mean, if we're going- going back to the Bayverse thing, if we're going to stick with Bayverse Autobots, just give them screen time and character development.  And also Bayverse Arcee, specifically, the design for the toy from the first movie, even if she was pink.

O: Fair.

S: But as it stands, [sighs] the Bayverse Autobots in this movie are just... Optimus is impatient, Ironhide really likes his guns, Rachet is tactless, and Bumblebee is immature.  And then Jazz is the only person who seemed to actually learn about human social customs in some- in some manner. He doesn't destroy as much shit as everyone else.

O: Yeah, Jazz was definitely the best one.

S: He was!  And then he- then they killed him, he died!  It’s just like, why did you do that?

B: [sigh]

S: If you're going to have characters, please give them screen time and don't kill them.

O: What a concept!  I guess that leaves me to fill out the Cons for this cast.  Uh, Megatron obviously, uh, G1 or Prime. Probably Prime if I had to pick one because they- again, I feel like the Prime characters lend themselves reasonably well to a more, kind of realistic plot.  Soundwave, probably Prime, again feel like he fits better into this. Uh, he needs some of the cassettes though, which Prime didn't really have, but I definitely want Ravage, cuz I love Ravage. Uh, Knockout because he's fun, and snarky.  Um, it's not Cons without a Starscream, so Starscream. But similar what you said, I would literally take just fleshing out the Cons in the Bayverse, because they had so little screenshin- screenshine?

S: [laughs]

O: They had so little screen time, and just no personality, and it was just... depressing!

S: The most screen time that we had for any of them would be Blackout at the beginning, where he's basically just shooting things-

O: Yeah, but he didn't even have any lines!

S: Yeah, and then…

O: Like, in fact, so few of them had lines!

S: Yeah.

O: Like, the way- even the Decepticons, most of the time when they talk, they talked in Cybertronian even.

S: Yeah.

O: And it was translated, it was just like, “On our way,” or, “Megatron has been found.”  It wasn't even- it wasn't character, it was just a statement!

S: Yeah, like none of them had personality and that’s just so disappointing.

O: It really is.

S: [sighs] And it's- we have fanfiction recommendations.

O: Yeah, I know we didn't do this with the other specials but because there is actually fanfic based on the live-action stuff, we kind of thought it was more applicable here.

S: Alright, so the first one is, “The Princess is in Another Castle,” by Bibliotecaria_D.  It's in the mov- the Bayverse continuity, obviously. Uh, rating, PG-13. It's got- it has past slash, so it's not a general fic.  Parings, uh, past Mikaela Banes and Sam Witwicky. Um, characters, Mikaela Banes. And in summary, “Mikaela Banes is waiting” That's- that's the long and short of the summary folks.

O: [laughs]

S: But it's really good!  It’s-

O: It's basically... what did happen to Mikaela, after her and Sam broke up?  And it- and it feels like this very good character development thing for her and it feels- it feels good to read.  Like it feels like- yes, this feels like something the character would have done and it it really gives her more depth than the movies ever did.

S: More depth and agency.

O: Agency, she has goals- that aren’t Sam oriented.

S: Um-hm.

O: It's really nice, I really recommend it.

S: I should reread it it's been a while.

O: I do recommend it like, I’ve read it multiple times because I thought it was really good.

S: Yeah.  So the the rec for it is Mikaela and it's a one shot.  And so our next one is- would you like to talk about it or would you prefer me?

O: I'm gonna talk about it, and I'll kind of explain why I maybe can't give the best in-depth explanation of it.  But uh, our other fanfic suggestion is, “Towards Peace”. It is by ariealbots, the continuity is Bay movies, if- they bring in elements of IDW, it's rated T.  It is slash, but believe me when I say I'm not gonna read this entire list. I'll just tell you kind of the top ones are Megatron/Optimus, Megatron/Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Mikaela Banes/Bumblebee/Sam Whitwicky- so they actually are a trine in this like, they're- they're a poly relationship-

S: Um-hm.

O: -as far as I can tell.  Um, characters... there are so many!  I- like, it would have been absurd for me to try to list them all but basically the Bayverse cast, you get elements of some of the IDW characters thrown in, like Verity.  You get some of the Bumblebee characters thrown in like you actually get Charlie. Um, and they're pairing up essentially with all the bots that are still on Earth and it's really- it's really great cuz I think Charlie gets uh, teamed up with Skyfire?  So like, the- the Russian jet not like the Skyfire from G1.

S: Oh, the guy for the second movie?

O: Yes!  Like-

S: That’s Jetfire.

O: Jetfire, thank you!  I knew the name wasn’t exactly the same and I kept forgetting.  Skyfire actually shows up as a separate character in this and he's more based off G1 and IDW.  But yeah, she- she sort of is paired up with Jetfire and- and it's really lovely and I like it. [laughs]

[Okay, to make this all the more confusing, he’s called Jetstorm in this particular fic, so I just got this wrong in all the ways.  ~O]

S: Except he's not Russian in the second one he's an SR-71 Blackbird.

O: He has a Russian accent.

S: Ah, ok.

O: I don't know why-

S: Well-

O: Like- like it it makes more sense when I read it but-

S: Okay.

O: But anyway in summary, heh, “At the climax of the Battle of Mission City the AllSpark is pushed into Megatron's chest and instead of killing him it does what it was made for, it transforms.  After millennia of slow descent into madness brought by programming corruption the Lord Protector Megatron finds his mind suddenly restored but the memory of what he's done cannot be washed away.  With the war brought to a violent halt both Autobots and Decepticons must learn to coexist if they want to reunite their civilization and restore their dying world.”

S: I like that summary.

O: It's... good and obviously it's because, Bayverse, and it took place right after the first movie so I wanted to recommend it here.  Um, it is multi chapter, it's still ongoing, which is kind of my caveat usually I don't like recommending things unless they’re finished.  And I actually have a hard time following this one- reading it, partially because I have a hard time telling any of the Bayverse bots apart.

Like, I think, I'm actually gonna have an easier time reading it now, now that I had to like, sit down and fucking disect the Bayverse movie, so I'm gonna be really happy to go back and read it.  Um, I think it's pretty safe to assume a bunch of the pairings are like past and stuff, because like, I- I haven't seen hide nor hair of Ultra Magnus yet. Um, but- but anyway it's- it is good and like, the stuff I've read I described it as like, having this very kind of sweet pervasive kindness to it and softness to it which was really nice.  Uh, it was done as part of a Big Bang, I think?

S: Hmm…

O: The Big Bang event.  Like I said, they're not finished yet but I'm interested to see what they do and- and I'd liked a few of the like, characters and relationships particularly kind of with the humans and whatever kind of bot or bots they're kind of closest with.

Like I said with Charlie I'm pretty sure it was uh, Jetfire.  I think Verity might have actually been with Barricade, don't quote me on that because I could totally be wrong but- but I liked it, like it was good on that level.  Um, it's just I'm like, I haven't finished it yet and I haven't even read the most recent stuff so I'm always a little hesitant to recommend stuff I haven't finished reading so you know, with a grain of salt.  But I like what I read.

S: I’m going to have to go look at that, because it does sound nice.

O: It- it- just… I love that a concept.  God forbid, I cannot keep the Bayverse characters straight to save my life.  Uh, Jazz comes back to life though. [laughs]

S: Nice.

O: Because Megatron basically start- like he- he touches Jazz and so Jazz is better now.  “I got better!”

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, but- but he can also sense where like, a lot of the living Cybertronians are so like that's how they actually- they actually go get Skyfire who is in the Arctic in this uh, fanfic so you know, but- but it's good.  Uh... oh! Thundercracker and Skywarp are in it so you have the full- you have a full Dorito trine. Um-

B: [laugh]

O: I like my Doritos in multiple flavors, thank you very much! [laughs]

S: Cool ranch and I'm not sure what the hell Skywarp would be.

O: Uh, cheesy?

B: [laugh]

O: Anyway, happy holidays everyone and thank you for tuning in.  It's been a wild year and we're excited to keep talking about these ridiculous robots.  We will be taking a break for the rest of this month and January to enjoy the holidays but we'll be back in February with episode 26, “Attack of the Autobots!” Oh god, the Ark's only got two beds and there's about to be problems.

S: Oh my god, they were all roommates.

B: [laugh]

S: They are!

O: You’re not wrong, per se...

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

B:  Happy holidays!

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[Ending Stinger]

S: Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2004 Transformers film.

O: That is the wrong year.

S: GAH-

B: [dissolve into laughter]

S: God dammit.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 5: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

Stinger

O: Why don't you tell me one or two of your favorite Transformers ships and why?

S: Half the ships are dead.

[Intro Music Plays]

O: Hello and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast- an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon. I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs!

O: And today we're going to be talking about episode number 5, Roll For It. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yeah.

O: So, last time on the Transformers: Spike was kidnapped, Bumblebees’ memories were dicked with, the Decepticons “perfected” the Space Bridge, and Megatron went on an unscheduled trip to Scenic Cybertron.

S: And that's “perfected” in quotation marks.

O: [Laughter] It didn't go well- is what we're getting at here. Anyway, like any good episode we open with two Jets and Soundwave flying through the sky.

S: And Soundwave’s in robot mode, though it would be super weird if he was flying as a boombox.

O: I swear that happens later. [Laughter]

S: Probably, I mean it would be funny but it would be weird.

O: As they're flying Starscream is espousing about being, “The new leader of the Decepticons!” Uh, He almost hits Soundwave while flying because he's a jackass.

S: Soundwave appears to momentarily consider changing sides because his Decepticon symbol is mis-colored red for this shot.

O: They're normally purple for those of you who don't know this off the top of your head.

S: So purple.

O: [Laughter]

S: They attack a dam, blasting through a plate-glass window.

O: Okay, I think it was like a hydropower plant bu-but to me that translates over as a dam, right? So why are they so obsessed with dams? This is the second time, right?

S: It's just a convenient plot point.

O: Clearly. People freak out and call in a Decepticon sighting, like. Do you think there's a hotline? I feel like, at this point, there's like a hotline to the Autobots that are like, “Holy fuck, there's Decepticons here.”

S: Either that or 911 has actually started, you know, putting together a code for a giant robot attacks and then it gets forwarded to the Autobots.

O: I'll believe it. I'll believe it.

S: Yeah, probably.

O: Anyway, the best part about this that is the security guards attempt to take out giant transforming robots with handguns.

S: Not even like fancy-ass handguns.

O: No, no- they're just little handguns!

S: And then the Decepticons have terrible aim and blow up some barrels and crates but, mysteriously missed those pesky little humans.

O: Starscream proclaims himself as amazeballs. I.E. he's doing an amazing job. No, he's not. And orders Soundwave to begin collecting Energon.

S: And here they have is tape deck open but you cannot see the inside of his chest like, it doesn't exist- there's just a blank blue void.

O: [Laughter.]

S: That matches the rest of, or, well there isn't a void is what I'm getting at.

O: [Laughter] There's no hole. Anyway, Optimus Prime, Cliffjumper, and Brawn show up-- quoting I think Cliffjumper, “Just your friendly, neighborhood Decepticon Wreckers.”

S: Honey, you guys ain't the Wreckers.

O: [Laughter] Right!?! Uh, so the Wreckers are something that will show up in other media later. They’re basically kind of like the Autobot Brute Squad. Sort of?

S: Sort of? Yeah, they're the Autobot-- They're not special operations but they're like the special hit squad or something. It starts out with Impactor and like, Rack and Rule [Rack’n’Ruin]--something? And then the triple-changers. uh, Springer, Sandstorm, and Broadside get added and--that's, that’s neither here nor there. It's not at all relevant to this. So...

O: Basically, it's kind of funny with the phrasing because the Wreckers as, like, a group of Autobots is a thing that exists later. So it's mildly weird that it's used here.

S: In multiple ver-- multiple iterations in this--

O: Yeah, it's a thing in multiple iterations just not, like, in this specific version of G1. So everybody fights and then Optimus and Starscream end up in a tug-of-war match, which only ends when they accidentally blow up all the Energon on the Decepticons were stealing.

O: Yep. And then Brawn, the immovable object, gets a bunch of movable objects thrown at him.

S: One of which is Cliffjumper!

O: Um, Soundwave being the only intelligent one here orders a freaking retreat.

S: And then Starscream flies off past a super pretty rainbow. It's very pretty, honestly. Why did they put so much detail in that?

O: My question is what happened to the other two Seekers in this scene. Like, they just completely disappear- we don't see them flying out of the factory or the plant or whatever.

S: They snuck off for makeouts?

O: [Snorts] Possibly. Soundwave because he can't turn into a jet and, presumably, completely forgot he can fly- makes the goofiest escape imaginable. Running really awkwardly outside, nearly tripping, and then through what looks like a volleyball net?

S: It really does.

O: Presumably it's not, and is supposed to be a fence, but we say volleyball net because, like, the actual, like, grid or net part doesn't stop--start until a good ten feet off the ground---

S: Because it's not--

O: It's like up to his knee!

S: And it's not connected to anything else?

O: It's very strange. I don't know what it's for and I would love to see the freaking, like, show notes for this to know what the heck was going on here. It's a very very strange fence.

S: I'd like to see the show notes for like everything that's happens because this is a trip.

O: So, something that I've heard about said about Jem and the Holograms is like, they'd write something and the animators would do something very strange with it so, like, I look at a lot of the stuff here and I’m like, “Is that what happened?” I'd really like to know or did they just say Soundwave ran off and trips or something-- like what did that look like?

S: Could be. And then Prowl and Bluestreak give chase?

O: Where did they even come from? We didn't see them with the other Autobots, so they just show up the hell out of nowhere. Uh, so they show up, they hit Soundwave who flies into the air, turns into a boombox, and is promptly caught by Starscream.

S: In-in his belly hatch. Is this where he sticks all the Energon?

O: [Laughs] Soundwave is riding cargo, with the Energon. Poor Soundy, he's having a bad day. [Laughs]

S: And then Bluestreak shoots both Starscream and Thundercracker.

O: Okay, but where did Thundercracker come from and where is Skywarp?

S: Uh?

O: Eh? Anyway, when we get back to the Autobots, Optimus Prime is there with Prowl and Bluestreak. When it cuts back, Prowl is standing and Bluestreak is in car mode but Bluestreak is the one shown talking in the next shot. So--

S: Like, you can see his face.

O: Yeah, it's clearly Bluestreak.

S: And it's not like one of the things with-- from Robots in Disguise (2001) where, there's his face in the little stupid dash thing--yeah.

O: Yeah, it was Bluestreak, he was the one standing up there but not in the long shot. Prowl and Bluestreak pursue the Decepticons. Uh, Thundercracker insults Starscream's leadership capabilities as they escape.

S: And now back on Cybertron, Megs wants to go home because Starscream is an idiot.

O: Shocking no one. So, Megatron contacts Starscream and orders him to attack a lab as planned to get the antimatter-- to get an antimatter formula, apparently.

S: And we're back to astroseconds. 5 billion?

O: Why!?!!! Why would you count anything in seconds, Megatron!?!

S: Astroseconds, cuz we’ve got to be dumb robots.

O: [Spluttering] I’m just like--I’m just like, “WHY!?!”

S: And then Shockwave seems way more energetic today. I mean did Energon actually come through? I didn't think anything came through with Megatron.

O: Eh, it could--did, did some of it make it through or is it the fact that his bass--his boss is back? You decide. So, uh, evil Ray of Doom and poof Megatron is back on Earth.

S: Where he is promptly greeted by Laserbeak and Rumble.

O: Laserbeak actually lands on his arm? I still think it's weird he's pretty reasonable with the cassettes a good chunk of the time, given how much of an ass-hole he is to pretty much everybody else.

S: And then Rumble gives them an update, and oh my God, Rumble is so tiny!

O: He is! Like, so, uh, if you ever play the video games it is hysterical if you have fight Rumble because it's like fighting a leprechaun that comes up to your knee. [Laughs] And you're just like oh my God, die!

S: Oh, that's amazing.

O: It- it really is, I'm just sort of like, “Why am I having so much trouble with this thing?” I don't even remember if it was Rumble or Frenzy, but fighting both of them sucks! Anyway, so we cut to a lab, Bumblebee drives up. Bumblebee is apparently wheelchair-accessible.

S: He's really ahead of his time cuz, well, uh, I wasn't expecting a Volkswagen Bug to be, uh, wheelchair accessible, but it's frankly awesome that they did that.

O: Yeah, I like that clearly he had configured himself slightly differently to help Chip out. I think that's actually cool. Um, they're greeted by a guard with really long legs.

S: Just, it looks like you got designed by Clamp. Clamp legs.

O: Super long legs. [Laughter]

S: Yup, and then Reflector observes the guard entering his passcode in the lab. It looks like he's actually taking photos of--

O: Of like when he's pressing the buttons.

S: Yes.

O: And he says it was as, “Easy as a piece of oil cake.”

S: Maybe we should be keeping track of these crumbs of Cybertronian culture, I mean...

O: Do they bake cakes? Like, do-do-

S: Do they--

O: How does that work!?! I want to see a recipe, god dammit.

S: I feel like someone's made reference to oil baths but I mean none of the stuff in here is super consistent.

O: Tch--but that was, that was--Presumably oil baths weren't edible.

S: I know.

O: Or weren't meant to be edible?

S: I know but it's like, variance of oil, is like, this oil for food, is this oil for--

O: Water!

S: I don’t know!

O: It's like, oil bath, mineral bath, same thing. So we're introduced to Chip, a fourteen-year-old, we think, boy in a wheelchair. He will be another recurring human character in the series. We couldn't seem to confirm his age on the TF Wiki [but] he's Spikes’ best friend, so presumably they are the same age-ish?

S: Maybe, at least close in age? He is really adorable and is one of the more appealing characters in the series and he is also super freaking smart.

O: Oh yeah!

S: I think he's smarter than the robots? Honestly?

O: We'll see that later. I-I don't think that's an exaggeration. [Laughter]

S: And Bumblebee agrees with me! And okay, it's kind of creepy, maybe, he's totally petting Chip in one of these shots.

O: [Laughter] I mean it's clearly like, a thing of endearment but yeah, you have the Giant Robot who's like, ruffling the guy's hair. [Laughter]

S: Yeah.

O: As we said, Chip is super smart and, apparently, has had a hand in the antimatter development going on in the lab they've arrived at. He is then handed a bendy floppy disk that will, apparently, allow his home computer to communicate with the lab computer.

S: Which is called, ”Betsy Brainiac,” and it's also Autobot Orange-- the entire interior of this lab is like, Autobot Orange.

O: Of course it is. [Laughter] Uh, as they're leaving they are attacked by Laserbeak.

S: And so they were in the desert but now they're suddenly in a city!

O: Yeah, it's very strange, uh, they escape into, like, an underground parking garage? [Laughter]

S: Yeah, yeah- that scene change was really weird.

O: It was very-- it was not fluid, not at all. [Laughter]

S: Yeah and then Laserbeak reports back to Megatron.

O: I'm serious this is the second time, just in this episode, that Laserbeak has landed on Megatron's arm. I don't think he does this with anyone else but Megatron and Soundwave, correct me if I'm wrong.

S: Eh, as far as I can remember I don't think he lands on anyone else but I haven't watch the full series in a while.

O: I'll make note of it happens again, because I can't remember off the top of my head. Meanwhile, all the Reflectors pose like a weird robot boy band behind Megatron during all of this.

S: This is... surprisingly not the only time some Decepticons look like a boy band. Apparently--

O: I'm not shocked by this at all.

S: They look just like striking some cool poses--look like they're going to lay down some sick beats, I guess.

O: [Laughter] So uh, Chip is dropped off at home where he attempts to warn the lab that they are about to be attacked by Decepticons, presumably.

S: And as Spike and Bumblebee are driving off we get to see Bumblebees’ bright pink seats, again. They tell the Autobots, presumably, that the attack is going to happen and Optimus is heading towards the lab.

O: Meanwhile, Bluestreak and Prowl have caught up with the Seekers and Soundwave who are cannibalizing some Earth jets for parts.

S: I guess they're making repairs? I feel like repairs should work differently from this. It really just looks like they're sticking a new wing on Thundercracker.

O: Yeah, it just-- it just sort of felt weird when like, Prowl and Bluestreak walked in as they're just, like, attaching jet parts to each other. [Laughter] It's very strange.

S: [Laughter] Where did they get the paint?

O: I don't-- [Laughter] I don't know. [Laughter]

S: I mean are--so the way that jets generally work is that there are fuel tanks in the wings. How did they keep the fuel tanks from bursting?

O: I mean, so kinda--just.

S: I also don't know if that's how it works with military jets, but I’d assume so?

O: Eh, maybe. Regardless, I do want to point out that the Decepticons don't really have a doctor so, it's kind of, like the fact that they're repairing themselves-- one) I find kind of amusing, but two) it was also like, does that make Starscream their doctor? Or is Soundwave--

S: A combination

O: -or something?

S: Or combination Soundwave/Starscream, we see what they do in Fire in the Sky?

O: That's true. So it's kind of weird. Uh, later iterations we'll actually get a few doctors, um, one of our favorites is Knockout, obviously. Uh, we don't really get one here, they don't really have doctors oh, so it is kind of like who does repair them?

S: I think the, um, Constructicons are technically considered their doctor when--er doctors when they show up.

O: Yeah, that would be one way to do it, oh, okay.

S: I don't know if they're actually--well, Hook, I think, is a surgeon. Not sure about the others but Mixmaster could probably--

O: Yeah, I wasn’t--I wasn't sure if Hook being a surgeon was, like, a fanon thing that had become really widespread or he was actually labeled that way in the show, but--

S: I don't remember, uh, let me look this up cuz yeah it could definitely be fanon.

O: I like, it showed up in a fanfic I was reading and I, and I honest to God don't know if it, if it's in the actual canon or not.

S: Eh, okay he considers himself an artist, Master Craftsman, let's just-- let me just read the, uh-

O: Fair enough.

S: -the wiki to you.

S: The snob of the Constructicons Hook considers himself an artist he looks upon the rest of the Decepticons almost as peasants, underneath him to a degree. Though full of himself, Hook is a master craftsman, having truly earned his insufferable ego. His high standards that he holds himself and others to means he takes extra care to ensure that even the most simple of jobs is completed to the nth degree of perfection. It doesn't say that he is the-- is a medic but, ermm--

O: So I think it's safe to say we're not sure if it's something that will show up in canon, or not but it is pretty prevalent in fanfiction or in just, like, the fanon with the Constructicons, so we're not actually sure.

S: I guess, yeah, Soundwave and Starscream, they get to be the medics.

O: At least for now.

S: A fight ensues.

O: As it always does.

S: So much fighting.

O: We cut to Megs, Rumble and Reflector who are using the passcode to gain entrance to the lab and I have to ask, why didn't they just blast through the freaking wall?

S: That, pfft, I mean, God, we see them blast through--

O: Yeah, just wait for it.

S: Walls, windows, and everything.

O: Uh-huh, just wait for it. [Laughter]

S: So back with Chip, he's attempting to contact the lab via his home computer.

O: Apparently this is a really nice setup for the time, although I couldn't tell you either way.

S: And, well, you can see a bunch of college flyers on Chip’s wall like, at least one of those looks like it was a fancy tech college or some sort of research college. Apparently the dude's got his future planned if he isn't already taking pre-college courses.

O: Or went through college because he's super smart, you decide.

S: Um-hm.

O: Anyway, remember that thing I asked about why the Decepticons didn't blast through the wall? Now Megatron blasts through the wall. And Megatron demands the antimatter formula from the scientist. [Laughs] He calls him a flesh creature.

S: The scientist deletes the formula, but Meg's calls him out on his bullshit by using his [sigh] psychic hands to determine that he uploaded the formula to someone else I.E. Chip.

O: I have no idea if he'll ever use this random ass ability again.

S: I mean, I doubt it. If they had wanted to be consistent they could have just use that stupid chest tentacle that--

O: Let's not talk about the chest tentacle, ahh! [Laughs] Um, Prowl and Bluestreak continue to fight the Seekers, Soundwave and, uh, now Ravage.

S: Yep, and then Prowl shoots Ravage who goes and hides behind Soundwaves’ legs.

O: Save me Daddy! Uh, Soundwave shoots Prowl, taking his battle computer offline.

S: No one else has one of these, but Prowl, apparently.

O: Prowl uses his ear antenna to hunt for another online computer so he can use it to help fight.

S: Battle buddy!

O: This allows him to link up to Chips home computer--

S: Somehow.

O: [Laughs] Chip remote controls Prowl through the fight.

S: Honestly Chip would own at competitive video games now. He’d probably be amazing, either that or he would totally own at BattleBots.

O: [Laughter] Oh my God, I would love to see that! Although er-- ironically I just like the idea of Transformers building tiny robots to fight like, at, like, human competitions.

S: That would be incredibly entertaining and I could kind of see Wheeljack doing it.

O: Oh yeah! For shits and giggles? Like, I know they don't have the Holo forms, uh, like they do in the comics here but I could totally see him showing up and being like, “This is my robot!” and just like, you know blowing humans’ tiny puny little minds. [Laughter]

S: I could see, I could see Swindle like, setting up some sort of betting thing.

O: Oh god, he would! [Laughter]

S: Yeah, and then Bluestreak looks like he got drunk and lost his chevron here for a bit.

O: Uh, basically his colors are all fucked up.

S: Chip has Prowl use another jet to shoot missiles at the Decepticons.

O: This is a normal people jet, uh, I'm not sure why this is more effective than just, you know, shooting them, but they retreat so, ehh?

S: Oh, oh we forgot, we forgot Prowl is riding the jet here.

O: Oh yeah, like, he like, I mean like, he's fucking straddling the jet, somehow- like, reaching into the cockpit making it fire missiles. I'm like, I don't know why that was Chip’s first instinct but okay.

S: It's amazing and then the-- the Decepticons escape and hunt down Chip, because of course. [claps hands]

O: And Chip, our resident squishy badass, rips up the floppy with his bare fucking hands, that had the formula on it, having memorized the formula himself.

S: And then Ravage just, crashes through Chips’ bedroom wall like the freaking Kool-Aid Man and proceeds to kidnap Chip, wheelchair and all.

O: Door! Technically Ravage did burst down the door, not a wall, he's not a complete heathen, thank you. [Laughter]

S: That's true. That's true.

O: He's oddly careful while doing all of this, uh, besides going wheelchair first through a window, of which Chip is completely unharmed.

S: I wasn't expecting controlled defenestration today.

O: [Laughter] Ravage aims to please. Uh, I- I just think it's weird, uh, the Decepticons are sort of oddly careful with Chip through all of this, like, yes I know they just crashed through window but beyond that like, they basically just, you know drop him into, uh, I think Starscream? And they're off.

S: Yeah, something like that and then Soundwave reads the teenage boys’ mind in order to get at the antimatter formula.

O: Oh, the things he must have seen. I don't even want to know!

S: [Sighs]

O: Autobots then sneak into the lab using the power of Illusions and Rumbles’ own goddamn stupidity.

S: Why are you a rolling rock, Hound? Why? And I mean you can see, you can see Mirage’s footprints.

O: Yeah, it's very strange. Mirage turns invisible and Hound is pretending to be a rock. This is how they get past Rumble.

S: That's rolling! And I think they talked to him?

O: Yes, basically, he- I think, Rumble said something to the effect of, so it must have been nothing and I want to say Mirage uh, was like, “That's the most intelligent thing you've said all day,” and he's like, “Hey!” But he still can't see anybody. So Soundwave then hacks into the computer by shooting a little laser beam from his hand.

S: He goes all rainbowy while doing so, we never see this again.

O: Why?

S: Um, I think.

O: I mean, welcome the recurring theme of this podcast.

S: Yeah.

O: The Decepticons have managed to create antimatter.

S: And then Hound confuses Megatron through the power of Holograms and possibly throwing his voice.

O: Yeah, I would hope so, like, to me I feel like they should be able to tell where the voice is coming from otherwise. Bumblebee and Spike do make it in and they rescue Chip.

S: Bumblebee cradles Chip rather tenderly. I don't know if Chip would have been thrown out of his wheelchair at this point?

O: I think he was. That's why he picked him up but I maybe wrong. So to escape, Bumblebee sort of transforms around Chip and Spike and then books them out of there.

S: By driving up the stairs.

O: Stairs are, uh, of no consequence to a giant alien robot, thank you. They're promptly followed by Hound and Mirage.

S: Who also drive up the stairs.

O: With no problems, yes.

S: I have issues with the Formula 1 car doing this, but okay.

O: [Laughter]

S: Meanwhile the Decepticons fail to hit anything or anyone relevant.

O: And then we get another environment animation sequence and then all three vehicles crash through a window and make a graceful exit from three stories up, surprising the hell out of Rumble. Rumble is also having a bad day.

S: A very, very bad day.

O: It'll get worse.

S: And then Hound is suddenly blending in with the environment, he's apparently decided to go camo.

O: [Laughter]

S: Because he’s very tan instead of green here, oh no, he's cosplaying Swindle!

O: [Laughter]

S: Like two seasons beforehand.

O: [Laughter]

S: Optimus bursts into the lab with Sunstreaker, Bluestreak, and Ratchet in tow. Are they in- Are they in his trailer when this happens and then do they get released from the trailer?

O: Yeah, I think that's how that went. Anyway, while doing this, they hit Rumble in the process. As we mentioned Rumble is having a very, very, very bad day.

S: Yeah. Yep. And then Megatron throws the antimatter, blowing up the entire lab?

O: But not really? It's still standing, I don't really understand.

S: Oh-oh before this we just saw the Autobots burst through walls to confront Decepticons and like, each Autobot has their own individual hole except what appears to be Ratchet.

O: Who we think is actually supposed to be Ironhide through, like, this entire scene but he's colored like Ratchet.

S: Yeah cuz, err, I don't know, later when we get back it seems like Ratchet’s been back at the Ark the entire time, but let's get back to what we're actually at.

O: Back to our--back on our shit.

S: [Laughter] But yeah, so a lot more Autobots exit the lab then we saw entering.

O: And Optimus says, “we’ve suffered losses but we've not lost the war.”

S: Who died Optimus? Who died?

O: I'm convinced, Sunstreaker’s paint job was the only casualty.

S: Yeah, and his arm.

O: [Laughter] Poor Sunstreaker.

S: Yeah and then when the Bots get back to base they act like Ratchet’s been there the entire time like, like I said.

O: Yeah, Ratchet’s just like, “Woah guys, what are you doing? You got blown up!” Uh, so Chip starts to beat himself up, uh, over the, you know, the Decepticons getting the code but Wheeljack’s like, “Buddy, we can use your brain for better uses, let's go blow shit up.”

S: He's so understanding, Wheeljack, he's just, so understanding.

O: I think he just wants help with his mad scientist experiments in the basement.

S: Probably!

O: [Laughter]

S: I mean people give him lots of shit for blowing shit up but we haven't actually seen him blow a whole lot of shit up.

O: Yeah.

S: Except for that one bomb he made we're doing that.

O: Um-hmm. This is about the time Megatron and the Decepticons decide to attack the Ark.

S: And off go the Lamborghinis to fly! And thus Sunstreaker and Sideswipe commit atrocities against jets.

O: Jet Judo! Also, weirdly enough Sideswipe doesn't appear to be wearing a jetpack, but Sunstreaker is?

S: Um, I don't really remember who's supposed to be wearing the jetpack but canonically Sideswipe does have one. I just don't remember who has it in this scene.

O: Like I said I'm pretty sure it was Sunstreaker and I was like, “How is Sideswipe flying and why does Sunstreaker have the jetpack?” But whatever.

S: I don't know.

O: We get some decent animation here as the brothers fight the Jets.

S: There's like some really nice, it’s-it's really nice--

O: This is where the budget went, hello.

S: Um-hm. And nevertheless when they get shaken off by the Jets they have those extremely convenient parachutes like, like what Mirage had after his thing.

O: They all survived! Uh, Megatron then shoves? Absorbs? Antimatter into his chest. What the--?

S: Do The Voice!

O: Oh, okay- I can do that. [terrible Megatron impersonation] “Beware, Autobots! I am about to transform into the most powerful weapon in the universe!” He says, uh, as he turns into gun mode. Which I have to ask, what the fuck even is antimatter!?!

S: Gun Viagra?

O: [Groans] Moving on! Starscream starts shooting Megs at the Autobots.

S: And Hound is trapped by rocks, again? This might be a running theme-

O: [Laughter]

S: -But I don't know he just seems like he's buried in the rocks now like, like.

O: And this is time number three, right? Or is it just two? Starscream continues to fire.

S: And then Brawn hides in a ditch to toss his boss at Starscream. ‘Cause Starscream is on the ground and--

O: Instead of flying--because he's a jet. And no, we're not sure why this was the plan they went with, either.

S: I guess they're just working with their environment since there was that incredibly inconvenient ditch, but I mean how did Brawn get in there? Did he go like the long way around and sneak? How did, how did Starscream not hear him or [claps] see him, or something? Because I feel like Starscream was pretty close to the ditch.

O: [Huff of laughter] Eh, he was too busy getting Megatron off. [Laughter]

S: [Laughter]

O: I knew I’d sneak one in there somewhere. Anyway, Optimus knocks Megatron out of Starscream’s hands. Megatron then gets picked up by Skywarp. Meanwhile, Skywarp is accosted by humans who put on Wheeljack’s device and that device gives them control over Skywarp’s body.

S: They-they just stick it to his leg, like--so how it goes is Spike comes running over with what looks like a freaking jackhammer and then Skywarp picks him up and is like, “Squishy, I'm going to shoot you,” and then Chip wheels over, sticks the thing on his leg, and is like, “No, you're not!”

O: And then they're basically remote controlling skywarp. So Skywarp begins to fire at the Decepticons and random landmarks with Megatron. Uh, Megatron returns to his robot mode because the antimatter he shoved in his chest is about to reach critical mass. [Sighs]

S: Of course it is! Um, so of course this means he's got to start dumping [deep breath] dumping the cubes out of his boobs.

O: Predictably, uh, the cubes explode and the Decepticons retreat, Megatron vows revenge as the episode ends.

S: [Sighs]

O: [Laughter]

S: Is-is this the bit where they just fly away looking really tired, or is that the next episode?

O: I think that's the next one, like, the next episode basically ends very, very similarly, like with a fight with the Autobots vs the Decepticons, again, at the Ark. They start to blur together after a while let me tell you. [Laughs] So--

S: We have some recommendations, there's three fanfiction recommendations and then one piece of art, actually animation that Owls has to recommend. So let me go into the, uh, the fanfiction and then we will get to the animation.

O: [Laughter]

S: So the first recommendation I have for you today is “Always the Wrong Lid” by Bibliotecaria_D, which is sort of an alternate universe of G1, it's more taking everything that happens in G1 and treating it seriously, uh, I guess. It's rated K, Gen, there's no pairings. So, the characters-- Chip Chase, Skywarp, Thundercracker, Soundwave, Reflector, and Shockwave. And in summary, “It's an alien look at human racism, and bodily fluids.” There's an awful lot more in there than that. Um, so our main character that this rec- that this recommendation is based on is Chip Chase and then it's a One-Shot.

S: Um, the next one is “Lockout” by MariaShadow, which is G1 cartoon, rated K, Gen, no pairings. Character- main character is Prowl and then, I believe, there's some human original characters. So, main character’s Prowl and in summary, “Prowl endures for stress leave, and competes in a chess tournament.”

O: [Laughter]

S: Um-hmm, and, er our theme here is Prowl, because yeah, we got to see Prowl do some pretty neat tricks with Chip piloting him.

O: [Laughter]

S: And it's a One-Shot.

S: And our last recommendation is “Snap, Crackle, Pop!” by ShyLight. It's G1 cartoon, rated T, it's General, so there's no pairings. Uh, the main characters are Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and the Decepticons and Autobots. So in summary, “Sideswipe hates teleporting and therefore, by association, hates Skywarp. Sunstreaker unleashes an unholy wrath upon the Decepticon base due to a misunderstanding. No jetpacks or GPS systems were harmed in the making of this fic-- beyond repair, anyway.” And so the theme for this was, Skywarp, Jet Judo and so on and so forth. Also teleporting and things ending up not where they're supposed to be, or people, I guess. And this one is a complete five parter, I think? It's complete. And so those are the fanfiction recommendations done, let's go over to the art and animation.

O: So just a reminder, uh, anything we talk about on here you can find links for on our Tumblr. We're not spelling out names and stuff, but all the links should be pretty easy to find so if you're interested head over there, that way you can, you know check out the lovely fan art, or the fanfic. We're also going to be trying to reblog a lot of the fan art, if it's on Tumblr so that it's easier to see, basically. [Throat clear]

O: So our fanart for the day is Masterpiece Reanimated and this, is someone who has reanimated scenes from Generation 1 but using the Masterpiece figures. We’ll be including a link to a specific scene that was actually from today's episode and honestly it does a better job with continuity than the actual scene, which I find kind of hysterical.

S: It's amazing.

O: It is. So if you remember kind of where we opened up where are the uh, the Jets were in the--

S: Dam?

O: Dam--hydropower plant, or whatever. Uh, basically they do that entire section up until, I think the jets fly off, uh, which also means we get Soundwave walking through the volleyball net- fence whatever and it is delightful, I highly recommend it.

S: And transforming and being caught by--

O: By Starscream-- they did such a good job, you should go watch it! Um, anyway they've got a YouTube, a Twitter, and a patreon and we will post links for all of those so you should go check that out because it was really fun to watch and they actually have more videos but I thought er, we thought this was the most um, applicable one for today. Since it was a scene from the actual episode.

S: Um-hm. Like I specifically look it up to show you.

O: It was hilarious, I loved it! So join us next time for episode 6, Divide and Conquer, where Optimus Prime nearly dies for about the fifth time, um, and the Autobots have to get onto Cybertron to retrieve something to fix him with the help of Chip and there's a lot of random things that happen. Including but not limited to: glue guns, Shockwave can't hit shit and, uh, acid rain.

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today. Remember to check our Tumblr at Afterspark-Podcast.Tumblr.com for any additional information, show notes, or links that we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at Aftersparkpod (all one word) and SoundCloud and YouTube at Afterspark Podcast. Till next time!

S: I'm Specs!

O: And I'm Owls!

S: Toodles!

[Outro Music Plays]