#and i will KNOW. and if i *somehow* dont know or cant remember then i get to learn something new about something i love.
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im watching a (slow) streamer play thorugh elden rings DLC and have barely seen anything more but ... i have seen some vague hints on twitter that theres something up with radahns lore and now im WORRIED/FEAR TM
hes my fav and thought that the lore in the base game was all he would get and i was honestly fine with that (heyo another unpopular(?) one to add to my list of favs lol) and was just happy he was mentioned by name bc that one lady NPC at the start-- BUT NOW??? i dont even know if its true but .............
im not gonna say anything more dw, ... i dont even know more anyway, but feel free to tell me bc the not knowing and then see it get discovered on stream might be worse than any spoiler could be (i dont even care about that much anymore)
#ganondoodles talks#elden ring spoilers#??#it seems like something was made weird#BUT I DONT KNOW IF ITS TRUE OR WHAT#i dont wanna google it either bc while not caring much about spoilers ... knowing every boss would be kinda meh#... how would i even google it#pls dont tell me they ruined yet another one of my favs#... i only have so few but somehow always manage to pick the ones know one remembers or that get ruined by later added lore#like im sorry but i love sooga/supa alot and still do but the added lore thing with koga made me feel weird about the ship#and know im having trouble enjoying it anymore#as one example ... though a tame one#someone ease my mind#cant stop thinking about it
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honestly does anyone else think that the what:if routes are perhaps telling us that some sort of collision between subaru and reinhard is just inevitable in nearly every route
#re:zero#my game theory. i mean. light novel theory... is that somewhere somehow down the line subaru will have to face reinhard#and when that happens he will be his worst obstacle yet like in most alt routes#made worse by their relationship at this point#but also maybe perhaps UNLIKE in all the alt routes something will be different#and i dont mean that in a good way. im thinking maybe subaru could finally figure out The Trick to beating the strongest man alive#somehow.#and it might involve garfiel based on some stuff thats been foreshadowed who knows#what exactly would beating entail though? he cant die bc of the divine protection of the phoenix#but that being said if he somehow had all his divine protections taken away i mean... hed actually be relatively weak imo#his body would still probably remember how to move like a sword saint (like therisia's did in arc 5)#but like that can also be a bad thing like#would his body perhaps also forget that he has to ACTUALLY DODGE PROJECTILES bc they wont just magically miss him anymore?#will he try to walk on water only to sink like an idiot?#will he not check the label on the sugar only to find out its salt?#either way he wouldnt be the strongest man alive anymore hed just be a skilled swordsmen. julius could probably match him at that point#which im sure would be surreal to juli after years of admiration+envy+being gay about it
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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gonna sound dumb for a minute.
actually,,,, i dont think i want to do biology💀😭
#i just read So Much#and i cant remember stuff#and its honestly not even that interesting yet at least#and tbh iregret doing this cause wtf am i even doing brooooooo#self sabotaging max#because even if i somehow pull all my exams off and get this qualifications. im not gonna actually Know the stuff#and okay my point was that even if i do get these qualifications and my grades arent low enough to totally fuck up my scores#then im gonna have to move out. Next Year. i cant do that#i cant adult#how are people my age so Grown. wtf im still 8 istg#i dont wanna move out#im gonna have to just change my plan i wanna live at home until i get kicked out#ueydhshebrhryfhry#hey if all fails i’ll just find something else to do. like work in kindergarddn that education sounds more chill#maybe its not idk im not gonna do that#anyway#i lost my point here idk what i was talking about#oh yeah i think i just dont like school#why cant i just be on my phone and have fun looking at gay stuff and talking to my friends like puhleeasseeeeeeed#do u guys think stay at home malewife that does nothing to help out is a possible option
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u kno what......after like 7 months of deliberation i think i can finally truly and definitively say that cc3 > acotar 3.............sorry to feyre and co but they are not giving personality hijinks and character growth.......its been 589394757329 pages and elain still doesn't have any identifiable traits
#like dont get me wrong......bryce pisses me off and the first third of cc1 is some of the most confusing shit i have ever read#but after that??? oh baby at least each character is different#the only thing i can remember from acotar 3 is that nesta kisses cassian#and u kno what??? im not even sure if thats the right book#OH and rip my gworl the suriel died that made me sad af#what was everyone else doin?????#idk fuckin probably#not givin elain shit interesting to do#rhys going to talk to tamlin was somehow also uninteresting#altho tbf i have only read each of these books one time#cant even say i had fun reading the doom and gloom fest of cc3 but at least shit HAPPENED that i can remember#drgaf about those wolves but i was keyed the fuck in for those 800 pages#a court of thorns and roses#crescent city#sorry i know yall forgot that i be deep in my sjm bag!!!!!!!#(no i havent finished throne of glass)
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No one:
Me: so funny how the origins of many of my tags were very random and have ended up sticking and also influencing the tags i made afterwards-
#i am continuing in the tags lmao. this is basically me just wanting to explain why i have named my tags what ive named them. probably wont#remember all but i shall do a few#anyways the 'le' in front of everything is random. when i was young id just add 'le' in front of words randomly and i wanted to have tags#*i wanted >personal< tags that were basically the same as what thet would generically be called but with something added so that it wouldnt#come up for just anyone who searched up certain tags (like personal text posts and selfie tags etc) and so 'le ____' was born#it was only for a couple things and then as time went on i just liked having my tags matching and so added it to other things#my fanart tag is 'fabart' purely because i mispelled it the first time i tried to tag 'fanart' and then kept it because i thought it was#funny cute and i liked that 'fab' kinda sounded like i was saying 'fabulous art' which is indeed what fanart is lmao#for 1d 'the boys' was pretty simple. think i along with every other stan just referred to them as that and so thats why i chose that#and then when they broke up and i was tagging ot4 i chose 'the boyz' because even though its only the 4 of them i wanted zayn still involve#somehow 😭😭😭 so adding a z to their tag it was lmao#thats all the tags i can think of for now but if i ever think of more I'll maybe rb this who knows#anyways thats enough rambling because i cant sleep from me xD#le text post#stop. i just remembered i used to have a tag for pics of harry styles when he had long hair -long hair dont care- i actually miss my 2d days#nEways im sure i have more like that but the fact i cant remember all of them drives me up the wall fhdhfh hopefully more will come 2 me
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One of those nights again where I try to remember things and gets facts in order while my brain hurts because of how much it wants me to stop
#cant sleep 👎#also im googeling the same symptoms over and over again even tho i know its gonna be the same results every time#like doing more research will somehow magically change anything#i think the most frustrating part is the not knowing#bc that means im not really entitled to anything im feeling ? and that im basically just overreacting for fun#i was very upset for a moment bc my parents neglected me growing up but i mean..#if i dont remember or know that anything bad happened bc of that neglect. well then do i even have the right to be upset ?#it feels like accusing them of a crime i was never witness to. just to create drama or something#but from the bottom of my heart! its not like that at all! i truly feel very bad and im just trying to make sense of that feeling#i used to say it was a good thing that i cant remember so much of my past. bc you know. the brain protects u for a reason#but now i don't know ?#not knowing if there are legitimate reasons for my weirdness or if im just being crazy sucks ass#feeling like i can't trust my own reality always has me unnerved#i miss being happy and carefree🥲 i think deep down i knew something like this might happen. i should have never compromised my peace#but now here we are 🤷♀️
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me at 15: I think I have ADHD and autism and ocd and bpd and and and
me at 17: nah I was being silly I don't really have most of those things. maybe ADHD.
me now at 22: yeah no I have ADHD and autism and ocd and bpd and
#like genuinely the only explanation for my behavior the last week or so is BPD#i flipped out and pushed my bf away emotionally cause i assumed he would wanna break up with me#i have rapid weird mood swings#i spent so many days in a row wanting to punish myself by doing reckless shit like drinking heavily or dojng drugs i dont even do#my usual one is overworking myself at work which ismt good either#the ocd i know i have now cause its just reassurance type ocd which explains so much#the more i talk to my bf who is also most likely autistic the more i realize i am definitely autistic#which is funny when i remember when i was a kid and learned about autism and was like 'omg itd be so scary if i had that and didnt know'#i definitely have always had depression and anxiety#only just now realizing my depression is so bad i really do need anti depressants#cause i cant make any decisions or do anything without thinking im a terrible person and wanting to punish myself somehow#which is just. fucked#i cant make a mistake without thinking im worthless#and pushing everyone out of my life so they dont have to deal with me but then being miserable that i pushed them away#and then spiralling from there
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I had a weird dream and it's frustrating to me how little I remember because it was honestly kind of entertaining
It involved someone trying to kill me, me deliberately crashing the car both me and killer person were in. Then me and my would be murderer somehow ended up working together, we were chasing/hiding from someone. They had a massive truck and we were on foot so idk how we managed that
At one point we teamed up with another group of people which included the 5th doctor?? I told him I liked his hair and he was pleased
#the fact we survived the crash was a miracle bc the car literally flipped over#i remember at one point getting out and putting my hands on the other persons face and saying something about how they barely had a scratch#i dont know if i was trying to confuse them or if dream-me cared about this person#i cant even remember who they were#but somehow the disorientation and the exhilaration of surviving that crash made us friendly
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h
#im going nuts. it is 9 am i am supposed to be learning about the design research project#teacher asks us if we know what wireframes are once and i start thinking about how one of my neighbours put chickenwire under their porch#to keep rats out and hearing wireframe made me think of chickenframe. and then some how i remember the fact that chi-chi can canonically#lift goku with her own bare hands and i start thinking about son 'i love my wife' goku from dragon ball z and hes just a silly little guy#i really like goku! and then somehow thinking about chi-chi makes me remember that chi-chi is supposed to be named after milk#because dragon ball characters are named after food for some fucking reason. and then i remember the wiki stated that this is also true in#spanish because apparently its also a euphenism for breasts in mexico apparently#and then i start thinking about it enough times that i start thinking about the song chiquitita by fucking abba#and whenever i try to explain my real time thought process to anyone they always ask me how i jump from one thing to another#its so frustrating!!! its like how i suddenly thought about whether or not whale stomachs are connected to their airways if they have#blowholes (they arent)#and then i spent 20 minutes in class digging into it and i couldnt focus. whenever people ask me what goes on in my head i want to grab#them by the shoulders and shake them furiously like NO YOU DONT WANNA KNOW#yapping#ITS 9AM I CANT DO THIS RN
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Having s bit of a strange moment
#gamer txt.#ive been thinking a little too much recently when i know its not particularly helpful or enjoyable in any way#im not even sure what set me on this route of thinking about it so much#ive just been really really scared of death recently#its honestly kinda funny because ive been thinking about how much of a joy and a wonder life is so much and somehow didnt think about-#-how thats partially because its brief. its so beautiful and important because its fleeting. one day a life will end and nothing can ever-#-replace it. not perfectly anyway. it'll always be different and unique and youre so lucky to exist at the same time because one of you#-will be gone someday#but oddly enough i never actually think too in depth about death#and im realising again why i dont#because i am so scared#i almost wish i could force myself to be religious so i could have some kind of hope about it. not have to fear it maybe even welcome it#but argh. 's not easy#its especially strange though because ive comforted other ppl who were scared of the potential void of death#by talking about how well its just not existing anymore it wont be a void because we wont be conscious#no reason to be scared of a nothingness you wont be aware of#its just like how you dont remember before being born because you didnt exist. same thing#but now i cant get the idea of an endless eternal void out of my head and i dont like it#i cant believe or take solace in my own words now and i dont know why#its not helping me feel any less scared
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scary things are happening .
#i may have a job opportunity but also i may have lied to this person and i dont know if its better to just continue and deal with it later#so like. i was in community college n i kinda lowkey dropped out but not really#like technically im still enrolled but i have not taken classes in a While cause the Life Circumstances were being Difficult .#acquaintance asks what i do. reflexively i say im still a student. cause. kinda true but not really.#we ended up talking abt something related to their partner's work and i mention having experience in a related field. which is true.#and they ask if im taking classes over the summer and i say no. which is true. and theyre like i think u would b great working a temp job#over the summer @ the place where my partner works and they offered to put me in touch w them#which is really sweet but i feel like i dont deserve it cause i feel like a liar. like i didnt lie abt the work experience or anything but#i still feel shitty cause they think im Currently A Student and im not. and i dont know if thats relevant but i still feel like a fraud.#and i cant come clean without feeling like a loser piece of shit. so uhh remember how i said i was a student? what i meant to say is i WAS#a student before my life went to shit and im currently unemployed and not in school and trying to piece my shitty life back together!#u should still give me a job tho! ugh#ugh. i feel shitty. but this is probably a good thing i need a job and i need to get back out there and be a person and talk to people#but its scary and i feel like shit and i dont think i deserve it. ugh. whatever .#if i can somehow pull this off without them finding out i am a loser and a liar and a piece of shit this might be good for me. i hope.#i really hope.
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im going fucking crazy im going to bite someone’s head off kris and noelle deltarune making my brain fucking melt
#i make a post like this like 5 times a month anyways I NEED DELTARUNE CHAPTER 3 RIGHT FUCKING NOW. IM SO SERIOUS#i cannot think about this shit for more than 5 seconds without being filled with a desperate longing for new content#and the problem is I FUCKING THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!#undertale and deltarune are the one thing that no matter WHAT im currently fixated on that shit is instantly my number 1 priority#like with other stuff i'll be like ooh that thing i like cool :) when its not what im currently fixated on#but it does not fucking matter WHAT the current brainrot is if theres any speck of utdr content im instantly there#even when it comes to shit that is not new at all. even if its just me seeing a piece of fanart or something#it sends me into a spiral every fucking time#i dont even remember what caused it today T_T#nothing will EVER make me as fucking crazy as utdr im so serious like. god. this shit is like crack for ambigiously neurodivergent ppl /hj#i could literally watch 5000 videos restating the same secrets and lore connections and shit over and over and over and i'd be happy#and yet theres somehow STILL things i dont know about like thats what rlly makes this shit so awesome is that there is somehow always more#undertale esp like it still awes me just HOW MUCH SHIT is in this fucking game. not even just content wise but in terms of like story#connections and all that shit#all the different unique neutral endings all of the extra dialogue and shit you get on repeat playthroughs and just#everything#and then w deltarune its awesome bcuz there is SO MUCH SHIT but.... its not finished. so unlike w undertale where theories are all more#after the fact stuff. deltarune its like you get to actually try and predict stuff ITS SO AWESOME#anyways if i dont get to see these characters have new little interactions and go on a silly little adventure full of charm and Themes that#has some O_O shit under the surface I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHHHHH I CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!#serena.txt
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Arf
#It's 🤌 the sudden realization living alone is terrible for you#My mom visited and left this morning#I was feeling so great even stopped having insomnia (that i had non stop since august)#(Btw you never realize how tired you are until you sleep soundly for 4 days and feel Normal again)#The weather is probably helping too but thats not just that#And now im alone again in the house and the minute she left i felt i was starting to drift again#Im a freelancer#I work from home so i dont even have work relationships#And depression really fuels itself like if i start being tired again if it stop sleeping again#I will be too tired to go out and i will remain Isolated#Which is pretty much what happened since august#I literally dont know how to form Solid relationships too and not just like having a nice chat with people i'll see once or twice#It's terrible bc i am Not as depressed as before so i am perfectly aware of the tools i can use and i remember feeling so strong#When i was declared 'healed' a few months back. Like it was true and i was about to seize the opportunity#But it was like; snatched from me and it IS even more depressing somehow. It was just here you know?#Idk; idk. I hope i'll keep sleeping so i can go out at least but i am really feeling hopeless and uuuh#Ill-fated?#To the point im on the verge of crying#EDIT WRONG BLOG not that it matters i just wanted to get it off my chest#Adding this too - i immediately started bad habits again. Like playing games in the evening. Bc what else is there to do when you cant '#'Parallel play' with your mom in the living room? Chill while shes watches a show#?#Just chat with her (or anyone else)?#I have no interest in watching tv on my own i just wouldnt focus except if im 200% into it#So being alone in the living room is at best boring at worst anxiety inducing. Im just there. Waiting for something#So before it becomes unbearable i hurry nack to my bedroom and check my phone or go on a game#See what i mean?
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Theres one local theatre in my town thats at the end of the line of the bus route and theyll do throwback movies and a lot of the times its 80s movies and with the new 4k version of risky business on the horizion i desperatly need them to show it
#i need them to show it so i can have the very specific movie experince i have when i go to that theatre#and i do not arrive late to the movies#i walk around the fanciest dollar tree in town and marvel i usually a random snack that ive never seen anywhere else other than here#then ill go across the street and since the streets up there are upkept and paved well its blistering hot and ill been reminded#that i do infact live in the desert but the airconditioning of the fanciest grocery store will save me i will go there and also marvel#and become enchanted by the fresh baked sourdough loafs one of which i will buy and hope the theatre is cool abt it so i dont have to carry#it wrapped in my movie theatre hoodie like a baby if theres time i will go have a slice of pizza at the local pizza place it has not changed#since the 80s and is more humid than miami in the summer but ill sit listen to synth and have my food as i watch the fountain then ill head#to the theatre get a print ticket cause i will NOT leave the theatre without my lil sou ineer and stand in the consesscions line trying to#remember if this is a pepsi or coke establishment but dont worry i got time cause the line takes 45min to get thru somehow even if im the#only one in it ill get mt drink and walk to my seat thinking this place is huge but i did used to be an old grocery store or a staples so ye#ill have a blissfull 2 hrs of movie time come out a changed man my new personality for the next few days is this movie like it always is#ill go nextdoor to the fancy icecream place and get a cone but i always get a plain flavor and ill eat it outside in the wire chairs n heat#this is reflecting time by the time im done its ususlly around 5 which means my mom wants me home asap n doesnt want me sitting in the heat#so ill go back get a stronf coffee n take n uber which will almost always take the long way which means i get looking out the window day#dreaming as i look at the sprawling desert one of my fave parts of the day i will return home w a beadache since my constitution cant handle#anything anymore and car rides make me feel ill but ifs fine cause ill get home n my bed is perfectly msde by my mother whom i love and the#and who sometimes makes my bed for me cause she also know im getting home w a headache and the house will be that perfect temp of freezing#and ill lay in bed w an icepack n my coffee and itll feel the way sundays b4 school used to feel in a good way#and ill still be listenong to the score and reflecting and feelimg greatfull thay i can have my lil movie days n treats and feel so carefree#for a while and feel hopefull n inspired and then ill a nap and wake up feeling refreshed and then ill text my dad n give him my opinons#and rating on tbe movie and then e#he'll call and we'll talk abt 80s movies and ill still have that sunday feeling and ill feel so co ntent#its such an incredibly incredibly hyper specific experince but i deeply cherish it and ill have it abt 3 times a year n i look foward to it#anyways i need to go to bed now but hoping that experince will come again soonish and when it does i hope they show risky business#or ferris bueller
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Oh and ab the Easter Curse thing, my cystic acne is back and its alllll over my face, not just my forehead this time :) so fun
#i know it's bc of stress i KNOW that but still it's not helping#especially when i have to sleep with a bandaid over the cluster of acne bc its painful to lay on just raw like that#id use pimple patches but 1.) im out and 2.) they dont... really help with cystic acne... bc the bacteria is in DEEP under your skin so its#too far for the medicine to reach and its just a waste of the dots :( i have been putting salicylic acid gel on it even though i know its#not gonna get to the actual bacterial ground but im hoping it might help even a bit :(#i havent had a flare up this bad/widespread in 3? years?#you also cant pop cystic acne bc youre again not reaching the bacterial ground 0 so youre just irritating the skin and introducing more#bacteria into the upper layers 😭 fucker#not that i regularly pop my pimples sgdgdggd but i do remember that that helps the pain sometimes#i need like a syringe needle to suck up the yuck. like a dual sided one somehow that can suck up the yuck on one plunger and push salicylic#acid into the cavity after so you know it's going right where you just sucked out#marquilla
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