#and i worked so hard on it! i should be proud with myself

[egg-emperor]

this bday feels more special than usual because there's a lot of big changes coming up in my life and this begins to kick that off in a sense so I've been reflecting on a bunch of stuff

I feel like I'm really on the other side of so much bad painful soul sucking shit now. like I feel I can truly confidently say it this time. FINALLY. I held onto bad things that were doing me so much harm mentally and physically for years and I really struggled to finally let go of a lot of things I should have for the past couple. but now it's really all over and like I can start to move on and heal for real

some huge changes to my personal life are coming up, most of which I'm not going to share but I'm pretty excited about and think will have a big positive impact on me. I'm working hard to make beneficial changes to my life in every way I can now in health and living, as exhausting as it can be with my constant chronic pain and fatigue. I finally have the will and determination to try

it's a waiting game in regards to my health with waiting on referrals but I've done what I've needed to so far with appointments to set it in motion and I'm proud of myself. after years of neglecting myself and my suspected condition, I've finally started it! and I've found out that stress factually affects it very badly, so I have to let go of the things that hurt and stress me out for good

I'm also truly accepting that I'm not a very well liked person to a lot of people. it doesn't matter because there are surely as many who like me too. I see kindness and support from others just as much as hate and I need to put all my focus and energy into the former alone. I want to look as grateful and appreciative as I am, not caught up in negativity. my mind can be a negative place but I'm working on it

and of course as usual, I'm going to keep being myself and following my heart and expressing my passion the way I want. because I'm never going to give up the things I enjoy and repress myself because of the disapproval of others

I feel like I can start looking forward and I'm feeling much more positive about things over all. in a few months time my living situation, hopefully my physical health, and my mindset will hopefully be improved. and it actually has me looking forward to seeing what the future holds

I've been through a lot of tough shit and pain and did some stupid shit along the way but I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need through it and I'm happy to finally be making all the right changes. I'm really glad I feel like I'm on the otherside of it, especially after how bad the past couple of years have been especially for me

and I just wanna say thank you to everyone who has supported me and stuck around when I was struggling and will be here to see the better version of myself and enjoy my blog. it means the world to me 💜

now I'm gonna go out and have a good bday today!

[enhanced-operatives-division]

Improvement :3

[spaghett-onaplate]

a celebratory post: i have just experienced the most fruitful writing 24 hours of my entire life. at 3:30am last night, i started a new fic, wrote maybe 3k in the hours before I slept? continued the next evening at 5pm, and since then the document has reached the grand total of... 12.5k words!! :D

[fiftysevenacademics]

When I was a kid, I wanted to be like my father and grandfather, who lived to work, loved what they did, and were honored, respected and loved by the entire family for how hard they worked and being good providers.

When I was a teenager, I couldn't wait to get my first job. I thought people would respect me more, that I'd be so grown up. I also wanted my own money to spend as I wished and was heartbroken when I saw how tiny my minimum wage paycheck was after taxes.

But I had big career goals and always had a job while I pursued the education I needed for my dream career. When that career began to materialize, I lived, breathed, and dreamed it until it fizzled out.

My plan B worked out pretty well, and for a time I had big ambitions for this second career, too. But it's been harder and harder to hold onto those goals or even find any satisfaction in my work.

I'm just tired, burned out, and want to never work again. I do the least I can for the most pay possible and not a lick more. I've never felt the respect I thought I'd get for being so good at doing so many things, for being savvy enough to latch onto good opportunities as they arise, for working so hard for so long and supporting myself and my kids. I've come to realize reverence for "a good provider" only applies to men and if you're a woman, all your accomplishments will always be evaluated next to what aspect of mothering you had to slack off on- it's a no-win situation if you're a woman. The world will always see you as a mother if you have kids, as a failed woman if you forgo them for your career. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So now work is just a thing I have to do to survive and I wish I had some job that demanded nothing of my creativity or mind but at this point I'm going to just stick it out and hope I can afford to retire while I'm still healthy and alert enough to enjoy what's left of my time.

Every work email feels like it's prying tiny chunks off my heart. I'm so, so tired and spend at least a few minutes every day trying not to cry.

[peachcott]

Hi I was just wondering if you plan to reopen your shop sometime? :)

howdy!! yes, absolutely!! i'm so sorry for the delay oTL i expect to reopen in early 2024 (´▽｀)💗 i'm aiming for the first week of jan, but i'm looking into switching platforms (from bigcartel to shopify), so i can't provide an exact date 😭 hopefully i'll have some new designs available too, though!! :D thank you so much for your interest and patience!!

[watch-out-it-bites]

I believe I deserve a sweet little treat [He has done nothing important for the past week]

[rainbluealoekitten]

ok mb for worrying everyone but i actually had a BEAUTIFUL afternoon and am feeling pretty happy rn :D rambling about it in the tags ofc <3

[pepprs]

ok two things. #1 i am IMPOSSIBLY exhausted. just took a nap for a couple hours and have been awake for a bit but i feel like ivr been whacked like a punching bag like good god. and #2 is gonna have to make me delete this post later bc i feel weird and bad and paranoid abt saying it lol but. it’s just fucking weird and bad kinda bc im literally 2 years older than / removed from the students who work closest with us rn (who i spent most of today tabling w) and it’s so awkward bc we’re at the same-ish life stages and ik we totally would’ve been friends if we’d gone thru the same programs together as students but they ignore me / don’t and can’t talk to me like we’re friends bc im a staff member and my attempts to talk to them are lame and weird so idk. it’s just a lot and stressful and sobering

[floorpancakes]

cooked up a little something for the hottest cold weather themed contest of the year!!!

ill do a write up about it later cause I haven’t slept for like 32 hours but for now….BEHOLD!

[traitorsinsalem]

goodness gracious mama mia

[salsadifragola]

.

[starlitsorcerer]

proud of myself for not pulling an all nighter last night to try and finish something that was due tonight, because i really just needed to go to bed lol

[dokyeomini]

i kinda feel like i've been on autopilot for a few weeks now