#and i wouldn't be suffering from constant can't do things disorder with no end in sight

[cryolyst]

~

[isleofdarkness]

Realistically, the Isle kids would possibly suffer from severe malnutrition, have diseases, and most likely infertility. What do you think?

TL;DR- yes, those are almost certainly major issues

Oh, absolutely. I think, at the very least, all of them are malnourished. And because malnourishment is so insidious on the impact it can have on the rest of someone's life, especially if it occurred while they were a developing child, a lot of them would have long-term health issues based on that. As CSA can have an impact on fertility, I figure a good amount of the AFAB people also have some sort of struggle with that. But infertility can also result from malnutrition, as can problems like Ginny has where she can't feed her baby, so that's also a major problem. I also think that the Isle has a huge problem with vaccine-preventable diseases, such as polio, whooping cough, scarlet fever, chicken pox, etc. because let's be real, Beast never sent over vaccines. I also think that rabies is a huge problem due to how highly contagious it is- if even one rabid animal was there even on accident, it would spread like wildfire and rabies is always lethal once symptoms appear.

There's also the matter of mental health, because growing up in a prison colony is obviously going to cause some impact. A lot of Isle kids probably have at least one of the more severe ones (personality disorder, dissociative disorder, psychosis disorder, etc) because growing up on the Isle has gotta be extremely traumatic. The "smaller" ones (anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, and other common but still treatment-needing mental illnesses) would be extremely common. A lot of Isle kids are probably also "emotionally disturbed," which used to be a catch-all term for major disorders that usually impacted someone's ability to function in society. There's probably also a lot of disability, too, both congenital and created by trauma, because stress can have a massive impact on fetal development and the Isle is a very unsafe place, so a lot of people have probably ended up with at least one life-altering injury, even if it was something smaller like a scar causing a facial difference.

Also, I think that every Isle kid knew at least one person who died. Every single one of them would have had at least one friend who died. Because, let's face it, the circumstances of the Isle are extremely lethal. Poisonous food, evil villains, no working anything- those are all threats to life and not everyone would survive them. In fact, most children probably wouldn't. And losing a friend as a child is a very traumatic thing that can impact your ability to connect with others later on if you don't get therapy and don't have a safe home environment with parents who love you with whom you can talk through your feelings and receive sympathy and helpful solutions. The Isle kids have none of that, so a lot of them probably have issues connecting with other people. They probably also have issues with change, as change on the Isle was probably usually a very bad thing. That problem with change may even wind up being an adjustment disorder, which is a big deal and needs treatment because it can majorly impact QoL.

Speaking of quality of life, let's also address how none of the Isle kids have a passable quality of life. They eat trash, they live in constant fear, they get no real education, childhood milestones aren't being met, they don't have a safe home or loving parents or safety at all, really, there's a very real constant threat of death, there's no medical or psychiatric care, and there's all of the child abuse that they have no way to escape. Absolutely none of those are good, all of those bring down quality of life severely. Those alone are literally a humanitarian crisis. Doctors Without Borders is breaking down King Beast's doors and the Internation Red Cross is right behind them.

[kimaratomoya]

I meant to only write a paragraph or so on Jene and WHOOPS my hand slipped (and so did my MADD)

Jene is 13 and a few months younger than Áine, they met on tumblr because that's the website I'm best rehearsed with. Jene was raised by strict parents who pushed her to go above and beyond. Her parents came from a bad background and though they loved her a lot, they always wanted her to be the best in everything and come on top of other kids academically and in many other fields.

Jene felt sometimes when her parents went hard on her, that they didn't love who she was and only loved her if it meant she could reach every one of their high expectations and would allow them to parade her as their perfect trophy child. In reality hey loved her as any parent would do, but they deliberately didn't express that because they believed that she wouldn't push herself as hard if they did. This lack of connection between them and her made Jene insecure and instilled the fear that people would stop loving her if she was honest towards them, and was what first led to her compulsive lying problem.

Jene's parents deliberately set their goals too far out of her reach so Jene would need to push herself to achieve them, believing that the extra training would strenghen their child and allow her to withstand any kind of challenge she may encounter in life. Instead, her constant inability to satisfy her parents led to Jene having a defeatist attitude. She eventually grew to pretend to agree to something, only to decide it was too hard for her and that attempting to do it was causing her pain.

Jene's parents were headstrong, so Jene learned not to argue with them and just lie her way out of situations she didn't like.

At the moment, Jene doesn't have a good relationship with her parents. They've caught onto her lying and faking, and don't have a lot of trust in Jene but are also despairing about how well their child would do in the scary, unknown future when she would rather lie and be 'lazy' rather than put in genuine hard work, and they fear that she will be a criminal when she grows up. Jene thinks this assumption is ridiculous and a breach of trust because she's never deliberately tried to harm someone before, but it's not like she can convince them otherwise now... Jene is facing a situation similar to the boy who called wolf, in that when she tries to talk to her parents about her actual disorders and suffering, they can't be sure whether or not she's lying or not again.

Jene's parents would keep her away from social situations to focus instead on academics, 'grown-up things' and world issues, believing that fraternising with other children would slow her down. In doing this, they unintentionally delayed the development of her social skills. Jene has trouble asking for help from the school therapist as a result, and also trouble making friends. Áine is the dearest friend she has due to Áine's easygoingness and need for company, though Jene doesn't want to tell Áine the truth about why she can't talk with her as much as she wants.

One thing that brings the pair into conflict later is the way how [SPOILER]

Jene is a compulsive liar more than a pathological liar, meaning that she does it out of impulse and doesn't plan them all through.

Jene frequently worries other people find her boring and studious, because of her lack of experience in life. Another reason why she wants to hang out with Áine is that she believes that she can learn to have more of a 'personality' and be creative by doing so, and that her 'boringness' would be cancelled out as a result.

Jene's lying is forshadowed when she tries to lie a couple of times to get Áine out of the pizzeria, but due to Áine being such a close friend of hers, she can't bring herself to follow up on her lies much and ends up backpedaling on them without giving away that she was lying.

Áine next!

Looking good bestie! ✨

[animeyanderelover]

L,misa,and light with a adhd s/o?

could you maybe add ryuk too but make him platonic?

If your okay with more characters then can you add annie(aot),jean(aot),hange(aot),yachi(haikyuu), and kiyoko(also haikyuu)

I never expected this to become such a beloved topic, but I’ll gladly write it since such small things can help other people extremely. Btw, I already wrote about Hange/Hanji with an ADHD s/o.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, paranoia, overprotectiveness, stalking, controlling behavior, harsh behavior, manipulation, gaslighting, kidnapping, ADHD

s/o has ADHD

Light Yagami

✍️Light heard from ADHD quite a lot before, having used the term in school in certain subjects and being very well informed about what it means. So he possesses already a rather huge knowledge about it beforehand, though he might have never met someone before who has ADHD. And whilst his initial reaction to you might have been a rather annoyed and more disrespecting one due to your behavior, it cooled down the moment he found out that you were suffering under this disorder, quickly taking notice that you coudn't really do much against the way you were. He wouldn't form an obsession with you because he doesn't really show interest in you unless he meets you more often. But the moment he does spend more time with you and gets to know you better, he slowly finds himself becoming somewhat drawn to you.

✍️Light ends up pressuring his darling to move in with him, developing over time a certain amount of overprotectiveness followed by his mania to be the one in control which seems to fit very well with his s/o having ADHD. But despite the possibility of him turning into a terrible person, it doesn't have to be this way and in that scenario he appears to be a very structured and organized person, everything you aren't. He keeps in a constant contact with your doctors and ends up more or less structuring your whole day since you keep forgetting things, get distracted too easily, lose focus as well as motivation. It of course pisses him off a lot in the beginning, but Light finds himself forced to expand his string of patience a lot since he knows that he can't really alter your personality. Instead he finds himself becoming the caretaker of his darling, though he also learns to enjoy the huge amount of dependence and control it brings him. But it also makes him more paranoid to let you go out because his view on this world isn't the best and he does not think that you would be able to defend yourself. He views you as somewhat helpless as well as incredibly naive.

✍️If his darling should have the type 2 ADHD, the Hyperactivity without Inattention, Light has a bit of a harder time since your energetic and hyped behavior gets on his nerves a lot. He really reminds himself that you can't really change this behavior of yours and that you must know that the best as well, but he has his moments where he snaps and shortly has to leave before he verbally lashes out on you which he surprisingly tries to avoid. But he can't leave you for too long alone either since you tend to do things which are more dangerous, climbing up cupboards or jumping on the stairs which might end in you getting hurt which he doesn't want either. That said, Light has his work to do as well and can't be always there and whilst Ryuk is always an option, he doesn't really trust that shinegami to know how to take proper care and against his own will to keep you for himself he finds himself asking your family to look a bit after you if he has to go for a bit longer.

✍️Light becomes overprotective most likely because he knows that people can say mean things about your disorder and that you can get affected from this as well. In normal scenarios Light might even be degrading himself, but he won't stand others doing the same thing to you. The aspect of ADHD changes his view quite a lot and whenever he hears someone recommending negatively about you, he starts feeling mad, though keeping his cool and demanding an apology. He feels like you are terribly wrong judged, another thing he wants to change in his new world. Prejudice like this has to stop because those people have no idea from what you're even suffering. Light ends up killing people rather because they poke fun at you without knowing anything than instead because of jealousy. He still uses the chance to manipulate you into thinking that the world is a dangerous place to be in because such rude people are out there and that staying with him would be the safest option.

✍️He starts developing a nasty paranoia due to you having ADHD and it increases his controlling and manipulative behavior by a long shot because he sees it as the only way to make sure that you don't neglect your own health or end up hurting yourself. He still finds it hard to be with you since you don't pay attention to him as much as he would like and, if the hyperactive type, often interrupt him which makes him feel a bit irritated with you from time to time. He's also kind of worried that you won't be able to shut your mouth if you find out he is Kira, though he feels more at ease knowing that you don't focus long on such things. On the othr hand he can freely control your life without you or your parents suspecting too much since you yourself know that you wouldn't be able to do anything without someone doing it for you. The dpendence satisfies Light just a lot and next to that he ends up gaslighting you to stay away from others since they wouldn't like you. Light just views his darling as a victim of a prejudicing sociaty who doesn't bring up enough awareness and understanding. You're innocent and certainly do not deserve all the hatred you get.

L Lawliet

🍰He surely came across the word as well once or twice and has a solid basic knowledge about what ADHD is, but he wouldn't look deeper into it unless it is important for one of his cases. Or if it happens to involve the person who he is obsessed with which turns out to be you. Different from Light, he finds himself getting slightly interested in you when finding out that you have ADHD, your behavior telling him quickly that there was more behind it. It's pure curiosity since L might have never met such a person like you before, he doesn't interact much with people and lets Watari handle it most of the time. But the moment he finds himself obsessing, he goes out to meet his darling more often as well as looking deeper into the topic ADHD. It makes him even more obsessed due to the complexity of it, but it also makes him somewhat scared because whilst he endangers you already with being close to you, your disability to focus for too long or space out can make you even more of an easy target.

🍰L doesn't take a lot of care of himself so he is actually in no position to tell you to watch out after you, but he still does. Due to him being somewhat messy himself, he shows more lenience than Light does, but he still finds himself kidnapping his darling due to getting too worried when watching them just not being able to gather the motivation to do some house cores or even bathe, much less cook. Sure, he isn’t the greatest regarding such things either, but at the very least he has Watari looking a bit out for him whilst you probably don’t, though friends and your family occasionally come over to look after you. But otherwise you’re on your own and L just thinks that you can’t take care of your own so he resolves the problem with abducting you. At the very least know Watari can make sure that you’re being taken care off whilst L finds himself being fascinated by your way of acting and observes you a lot. He lets Watari do for the most part the cleaning and reminding you where you might have put things which you lost. L on the other hand tries to read you and your behavior since he is utterly fascinated with the topic ADHD all of a sudden.

🍰L doesn’t really get annoyed easily as long as his darling doesn’t act up against him or tries to escape and manages to do so. Otherwise he stays calm and for that wouldn’t mind too much if his darling happens to be the extremely hyper type who is driven by some sort of inner motor. He can and will endure your excited ramblings or that you always interrupt him when he talks for too long because you can’t wait for your turn and instead of being annoyed, he’s more interested and watches you just being you. That said, he also will prevent you from destroying things or wanting to try something out that might hurt you and orders Watari to watch out for you as well so you don’t end up breaking your bones whilst trying to climb up the top of a regal. If he has work to do and needs his calm, he lets Watari watch over you for the time being.

🍰Given the fact that he kidnapped his darling, there aren’t many people who could insult you in the first place, L finds it more fascinating than annoying and Watari respects that you’re different from others and tears you accordingly. But there are moments where you’re let out to take a fresh walk, though L and/or Watari will always accompany you so you don’t accidentally spill out with whom you are or hurt yourself. That’s how people might end up making fun of you, only to end with L giving them a weird and creepy look and Watari advising to apologize to you. And if they don’t L might decide to dig out some secrets and create some rumors to cause someone a bit of troubles. L himself never says much against it unless you were about to get into danger and do something which would end up hurting you.

🍰He comes to find his joy in that behavior of yours, it somewhat adds color to his usually grey and somewhat quiet world. He finds it more positive than negative and he knows that he can't really force you to change and he doesn't plan on it either. Instead he thinks of you as highly interesting and likes observing your habits and all the littly things you do. He is a bit better than Light is because he doesn't manipulate you to the extent like Light, he doesn't talk down to his darling only to make them crawl back to him in the belief that he's the only one who truly cherishes them. But he isn't above scolding his darling either if he thinks that they did something of stupid and in that regard he is a bit more annoying. He believes he knows what's best for his darling which can become a bit exhausting from time to time. Because once L has thoroughly informed himself about everything regarding ADHD, it can not be denied that he knows what he does and Watari wil be perfectly structured for it as well.

Misa Amane

💄Misa believes in love at first sight so she will most likely end up falling for her darling before she even knows that they have this disorder. She might have heard from ADHD somewhere before, but different from Light and L she is more clueless about this, not knowing what this is. But it's her darling who makes her interest in it increase highly and suddenly she asks her manager to get informations about it as well as searching in the internet for all kind of websides that explain the topic ADHD and how to treat someone who has it. And Misa's love certainly won't get affected by all of this, she still loves you as strong as ever. She kind of fears that you might be insecure about all of this since she is a famous model, pretty, nice whilst you are not. It's something Misa won't tolerate in the least bit and to prove it, she becomes extremely smothering and just showers you in kisses and love.

💄She can tolerate everything as long as it doesn't involve her darling spending time with someone else or being affectionate with somone else besides her. And due to her extreme obsession and influence she will have in little to no time found it an impressive amount of informations about ADHD, definitely visiting the doctor and wanting him to tell her how to treat you. She's your girlfriend after all and for that feels like she deserves to know what the doctor told your parents because she'll be the one who will move in with you and take care of you. And she most likely pressures the doc if he doesn't want to tell her yet. And Misa quickly finds her love in taking care of her darling and giving them everything they might need without having to try to motivate themselves to doing anything. She makes sure that she'll hire a team of people who do the whole cleaning whilst she ends up cooking and scheduling things for her darling, helping to find things they might have lost or simply buying new ones. She has some money after all. She might feel sometimes a bit sad that you always space out when she is talking to you, but she literally could never hate her darling for it. She finds it even a bit adorable.

💄If you are a more hyped person who can't sit still for too long or communicate rather loudly with people, Misa becomes a bit more hyper herself to match her energy with her darling's. She rarely gets mad at this behavior of yours, actually not at all. She doesn't really want to restrict her daling, fearing that it might end up huerting them and make them feel insecure about themselves which she doesn't want to happen. Misa loves you just as you are and for that would never be harsh or strict with you. That is unless you end up hurting yourself or your hyperactivity leads you to wanting to do something stupid. In that case she will put a stop to things, even if it should upset you a bit. As much as she puts your happiness in the first place, if it ends with you hurting yourself, she'll push it temporarily in the second place. She feels terrible afterwards, especially if you really seem to be sad which leads to her being moe affectionate and doing many other things in hopes to make you happy again.

💄Misa despises it when she hears people making bad comments about you or tormenting you because you can't stay focused or start being annoyed with your energy and the fact that you constantly interupt people since you can't wait. The girl is aware that you heard this most likely already more than you can count on both hands and getting used to something like this will be really hard and for some people nearly impossible. You can't do anything about this, it's not your fault and in her eyes you deservve only the world and not this kind of treatment. It makes her see red, especially if she notices how you seem to shrink together, wanting to disappear. It leads to her throwing a tantrum then and there before grabbing her darling and instantly going back home where she clarifies more than just once that you don't have to listen to such people and that in her eyes you're perfect. Similar to Light she kills more people due to them having been rude to you than having felt jealous. But they deserve it nevertheless.

💄Misa starts being more warily about taking you outside under too many people, fearing that someone will end up insulting you once again. She truly loves showing you off and letting other people see how happy her and her darling are, but she won't risk it if it means that it'll end with you starting to feel insecure and terrible because you have been born the way you are once again. She just can't bear to watch it and feels highly disappointed if some of her fans think the same way, that she deserves something better because she expects at the very least from her fans support. It makes her a bit paranoid because she loves her darling with all their flaws and whenever she feels like that you start overthinking again because of your ADHD, she grows even more clingy, acting all excited and wanting to do something with you to take your mind off things for a while.

Platonic!Ryuk

🍎Ryuk came to the human world for one and one reason only. To finally see something exciting because different from most Shinigami, he wasn't planning on just passing time in his dismal world which is why he decided to drop his Death Note in the human world in the first place, leading to Light finding it and spending the following years with him before he died. And him meeting you might be a very similar story, meaning that he might have dropped his Death Note again just so you picked it up, marking you as the next owner of the Death Note and Ryuk following you to watch over you. He never heard of the word ADHD before. how could he when spending the biggest part of his life in the Shinegami world so you will end up having to explain it to him which seems to fit in perfectly with his interest, knowing that you're different from other humans.

🍎Ryuk becomes obsessive over you very quickly, your behavior differing extremely from the way Light used to act, but it fascinates him much more. Here it has to be said that at the beginning, Ryuk didn't really care that much about you, though you interested him more than Light did, even though you might not even use the Death Note as much as he did. But once he finds himself growing fond of you, which will take him a while to realize until he finally realizes that he genuinely for you, he starts getting quite worried. He suddenly wants you to live and doesn't want you to die, leading him to start actively assisting you instead of just sitting by and not keeping secrets from the Death Note from you. He starts actively giving you advices and hints about where to hide the Death Note and what would be the best choice to make in certain situations since you lose focus quickly. Won't comment about you neglecting to clean your house unless even he thinks that you can't live properly in this place.

🍎The problem of you slipping up is even higher if you should be extremely pumped up all the time. Because then you tend to rumble excitedly about things and might forget for a short moment that you're supposed to keep the Death Note a secret which is why Ryuk accompanies you wherever he go and it might have happened more than just one time that he had to clasps his hands over your mouth when realizing that you were heading with your words in the wrong direction. It might come over strange for people when you suddenly stop talking, but for you it's a reminder that you have to be careful or else you'll get in troubles. In general your bubbly and lively personality fascinates him a lot and he can't seem to leave you for too long, not only because he loves watching you, but also because he somewhat starts at one point to feel like he has to look out for you so you don't tell anyone or hurt yourself.

🍎At the very beginning he might have felt more indifferent about people being mean to you, simply because you were back then just another human who had happened to pick his Death Note up and who was more interesting to observe due to their more manifold personality, though he was still listening when you wanted to talk about it. But once he finally comes to the terms that he actually cares for a human, he feels for the very first time in his life something that humans would most likely describe as malevolence, he doesn't like such persons whilst usually being indifferent to everyone except when they amuse him. Of course he can't kill someone who isn't supposed to die yet or else he would risk himself getting killed too, but Ryuk is venomous and whilst he won't kill them, he isn't above messing with their mind afterwards a bit since everyone who didn't touch the Death Note, can't see him. He uses that to his advantage.

🍎Ryuk most likely didn't expect himself to get stuck in such a situation, developing such an intense interest in a human and caring that deeply for them. He can't help, but start questioning himself if that is how Rem felt about Misa because up until this day he could never fully understand why Rem decided to die for Misa by writing the name of someone who wasn't supposed to die yet down in the Death Note and dying in the process. Suddenly he does understand, realizing he would do the same if it means saving your life. It might exhaust him sometimes a bit since he really has to watch over you, but ultimately he wouldn't have it any other way. He still demands in return for always looking out for you like this to have a lot of apples. Different from Light, Ryuk also provides you with lots of informations and advices, intelligence he didn't use whilst being with Light because about him he didn't really care. About you he does.

Jean Kirschstein

🐴Jean still thinks of his darling as the best thing that has happened to him and he won’t get shaken up by this at all, similar to Misa he still loves his darling very much, though he gets more overprotective when finding out about it. He actually never heard of it before so when he hears the word “ADHD” for the first time, he gets flustered and embarrassed because he doesn’t know what it means and he feels like he should know since it involves his darling and us for that important. It affects your life and your behavior after all and soon he finds himself hidden in some library and reading whatever books he can find about it as well as asking Hange about it since they seem like the person who would know the most about it. But still doesn’t seem to be enough for him since he feels like he still doesn’t know enough about how to treat you good enough which makes him stalk around for a bit until his friends push him to finally talk to you or at the very least to your parents so he can finally ask someone who has experience with ADHD, experience with the person he happens to obsess over.

🐴Jean still needs a lot of guidance, but with a bit help he learns at one point how to deal with you just right so you don’t have to worry about anything and it makes him proud when your parents, friends or even yourself tell him that, your comment about that you feel comfortable around him mattering the most and giving him a confidence boost he needed, though he is still a bit cautious, most likely because he’s scared that he might accidentally do or say something which will end up hurting you. He doesn’t want to control his darling too much, though he finds himself getting a bit more controlling which worries him, but your parents and you tell him that this is normal and that without a bit structure and someone watching, you might just neglect taking care of your house and yourself. It puts him a bit more at ease, though he still tries to not interfere too much. But he definitely comes over more often and has this one day every week where he ends up cleaning your house, having experience from his time with Levi. Would be happy if you assist a bit, but is also not someone to blame you if you don’t.

🐴You’re definitely not the same kind of energetic as a certain boy he knows (or used to know if we’re talking about Season 4) since you aren’t stupid because you want to be. You were just born this way and Jean finds himself still adoring you. You just seem to be a bit more carefree which is so refreshing given everything that happened to the people in the walls and Jean wants to protect this bubbly and hyperactive character of yours. He luckily doesn’t feel offended whenever you interrupt him or can’t manage to sit still for too long, tapping with your feet and bouncing up and down the chair. He learns to have patience for you which he can’t bring up to have for another person. He lets you for the most part be the way you are, but he also has to prevent you from doing something which might end up hurting you. Jean also can’t say really say no to his darling so if they ask him if he can just have some fun with them and do something with them, probably also because his s/o notices that he is a bit stiff or when he had a particularly bad day, he ends up clowing around together with them, but it helps him.

🐴He gets so incredibly and quickly defensive of his s/o whenever he hears as much as someone whispering something behind your back and it can escalate very fast into him starting to shout at someone since he is a hothead and if you get offended, he feels offended as well. Jean is too aware that you suffering from this disorder can lead people to judging you wrongly and simply not thinking too high of you, labeling you as annoying and tiring and whatever other things. But it makes him mad because he hates seeing his darling sad and he might have heard from your parents, friends or even yourself how you are bring sometimes tested from others which makes him somewhat more prone, especially if you are currently with him and people echt to hurt you by saying such things. In that case he is especially easy to set off and it can lead to him throwing actual hands before he quickly leads his darling away and focuses on comforting them. But he holds grudges and will remember that face.

🐴At the very least please understand that neither him nor your parents would ever want you to put your life directly on the line by joining the scouts and either risk getting eaten by a Titan or, if we’re talking about Season 4, get involved in fights with the people from Marley and her shot because especially after Sasha died during the mission to rescue Eren, Jean became a bit more paranoid and whilst he didn’t show it too much whilst doing his job, he definitely had afterwards a small meltdown with you which led him to growing more overprotective over you. Sasha was most likely one of the persons he trusted the most with you and felt like he could leave you in their hands, the other person being Connie so you might mourn together with him over the death of her. And Jean never really liked you near Eren in the first place, but after Sasha’s death he became temporarily extremely distrusting of him and his intentions, making him want you to stay away from everything that was currently starting to get out of hands.

Annie Leonhardt

💗Annie might have been initially more cold as well as a bit mean to you when meeting you for the first time, not because she didn’t like you, but because she was in an unfamiliar place and had to survive in there for god knows how long. So she didn’t know about what you had at first and she doesn’t seem too interested in getting too close to other people either, even not interacting much with Reiner and Bertholdt. She still might overhear someone saying that you have ADHD, but she doesn’t care until she is somewhat forced to get closer to you or you end up being the one constantly approaching her. And Annie just tries to distance herself from you the moment she notices that she fell in love, for your and her sake and it might have ended with her saying the one or another jean thing about you, though she would be more careful since knowing that you most likely are vulnerable regarding this. But once she embraces her feeling properly, she apologizes and promises to be from now on more careful.

💗She doesn’t ask people, she can’t bring herself to be that open with others so the most of her knowledge comes from easing some books about it since she won’t even really ask you about this until she warmed a bit more up to you. In either case, Annie quickly learns that she should be careful with her more harsh language since you can’t really control what you do and she instantly just knows that whatever she might say to you, you heard it probably already somewhere else which makes her regret whatever she might have already spit at you even more and she ends up silently apologizing by doing something for you. Annie sees the need to learn to be less strict and more open with you and she starts doing things for her darling they aren’t able to do, cleaning and organizing stuff for example and she won’t be mad or scold you for it either, at one point she starts to fully accept it. Later on, after she’s been freed from the crystal, she most likely wants you two to move in together, particularly so she can watch better over you. She also learns to live with the fact that you often space out, but she actually likes moments where both of you just sit there in silence.

💗Her darling seems to be somewhat I faced by whatever is going on if we’re taking about the timeline during Season 1 which amazes Annie a bit because it isn’t easy to seem that pumped despite everything that happened. But she knows that this is just how you are and that you have troubles being differently. With such a darling, Annie finds herself getting easier flustered since she is not like them, being more quiet and introverted so she tends to be surprised or a bit startled if you suddenly yell at her or do something in public which might embarrass you, but you can’t control it. Nevertheless, in here she sees the need to become more stern with you from time to time, specifically in such moments where you let your energy get the better of you and are about to try to climb up the walls or might try something else which will result in you hurting yourself. These are moments where you’ll get scolded at.

💗She can be harsh too, she admits it. But she learns to not point anything unnecessary out which you aren’t already aware of and next to that most of the time she ends up lecturing you because she was worried or you’re being overly dramatic with something or did something that was stupid and even you had to know off. But Annie always makes up for it in her own ways. Being downright disrespectful is something entirely else and Annie certainly will not tolerate it. She won’t start shouting like Jean does, her face stays for the most part stoic. But it’s the slight twitch of her eyebrow, the slight frown on her face that tell someone that she loses patience and once she truly is passed, she looks for such a small girl pretty scary and whoever did say something ends up like Eren whilst she used to train with him in the camp with her telling the person to apologize.

💗After she crystallized herself, her last thought was that she hoped that someone would take care of you because she couldn’t anymore and whilst being stuck in the crystal, Armin might have ended up telling her the one or another thing about you since he knows that she cared about you and you might have ended up asking where she was. Annie is terrified that you won’t like her anymore after finding out what she is and what she has done, but as soon as the crystal finally broke apart, the first thing she wanted to see was you and how you were doing. Annie was somewhat ashamed of herself when facing you again because she felt extremely bad for not having told you and regretting in general all she had been forced to do. So it would be such a shock for her to find out that you accept her and still love her, though it also makes her emotional and in return she swears that she’ll protect you and make sure that you’ll live a normal life.

Kiyoko Shimizu

🖤Kiyoko will care and love her darling either way, no matter who they might be and what they might suffer from. She most likely starts as a friend anyways since she isn’t the type to fall quickly in love and needs to share a bond with someone before she can fall for them. And whilst she might have stumbled over the word ADHD a few times in her life and knows roughly what it is, she never took a deeper look which will change the moment she discovers that you have and with the knowledge she has already at that time, she knows that it is some sort of disorder which is advices to have special treatment for. During the first time she ends up reading a lot in books and internet about it before going out and asking you about it if she feels you two are close enough for you to talk with her about it because she would unstable if you don’t want to talk about this with just anyone. The boys from the team, especially the third and second years might start helping her as well with gathering informations once they find out about you and definitely support her.

🖤Kiyoko is structured, she has her experience with the team and for that knows very well how to make a thoroughly planned schedule so you won’t forget doing important things and she most likely designs a plan for every day of the week to be a help for you. Of course she won’t control you because of this, she just wants to be a help for you which is appreciated by you and your parents. She also has at one point a talk with your doctor who has been helping your parents and you for years since she wants professional advice as well, noting everything down and reading through the advices of the doctor, remembering it and using it the next time. Kiyoko still comes more often over to visit you and look how you are and she has most likely one or two days planned in her and your schedule where she helps you tidying up your place a bit so you can live comfortably in it. She stays calm, even if you end up losing your things and she searches often together with you for such things. She also doesn’t mind if you space out, she isn’t the type to hold too long speeches anyways and can summon things for you quickly up some you won’t have to focus for too long.

🖤And she can just manage to stay as calm and collected if you are a total energy bomb because she has a few of those in her team as well, giving her the learned patience with these kind of people. However, similar to Annie, she can get a bit surprised and startled from time to time when you suddenly yell or drag her somewhere because you want to do something with her. Some people might think that given her quiet character she wouldn’t have an easy time enduring someone like you which isn’t true. She finds herself quickly opening up to you and your bombastic personality and for the most part just lets you be the way you are, though getting more defensive when in public because other people might get annoyed by you and your extreme impatience. But just like everyone, she as well will hold you back, explaining to you why you shouldn’t do what you were about to do since it might hurt you seriously. Instead she searches for activities where you can wear yourself a bit out without the danger of you hurting yourself.

🖤Kiyoko is protective over her darling because she knows that there will always be people who simply won’t understand and are just fixed on being mean. She is somewhat more defensive in public since her darling catches the eyes of others, especially when they’re the type to yell or be very active. It’s not seen positive in everyone’s eyes and even if someone knows that you have ADHD, they might still be insensitive enough to say something to you which will tuck on the wrong heartstrings of you and it won’t please Kiyoko in the last bit. She wishes for her darling to be treated respectfully and like a part of the community since they might feel more like an outcast since they were always told they were special. Kiyoko will still be quite respectful when pointing this out to someone and asking them to apologize to you. The volleyball team gets at one point very protective over you as well since you’re Kiyoko’s darling and because they see you as a friend and will end up defending you as well when hearing someone talking rudely about you.

🖤She trusts her teammates a lot with you and most likely wants you to have some more friends who you can count on which is why she introduces you to them at one point, also because everyone has been asking her when she would finally bring you over. Kiyoko also keeps in contact with your therapist and doctor because whilst she is at this point well educated with the topic ADHD, she also will always ask for the advice of a professional if she thinks she needs it. But people trust her with you, especially your family since she’s proven herself countless times before by always defending you when someone insulted you or when you felt yourself down because of the way you were. No one is perfect, but everyone can try to be as good as they can. And Kiyoko loves her darling just for who they are. You actually help her opening up more, especially if you are the hyperactive type because Kiyoko will learn to express her emotions a lot more better thanks to you.

Hitoka Yachi

🍬Yachi can get intimidated by others extremely easy which might have led her to judging her darling wrong at first as well, judging based on appearance. But she felt extremely terrible when finding out what you had, apologizing rapidly for her mistake. She needs a bit to fall for her darling, though it happens quicker than with Kiyoko. ADHD is not an unfamiliar word for her, she read about it before, but similar to many others she knows only a bit about it which is why she nearly drowns herself into books and the internet whilst searching for whatever she might find out. Yachi underestimates herself a lot and feels like if she wants to be a friend, much more being her darling’s girlfriend, she should know perfectly what she is dealing with and you can bet she’s noting everything Rudy and detailed down for her to remember, she always carries a notebook around so she can have a short peak every now and then. She is still extremely paranoid and has a wild imagination and she just imagines that you might be more sensitive about your ADHD which makes her almost walk on egg shells and as soon as she thinks that she has said or done something which might have insulted you, she’s already apologizing to you.

🍬But Yachi tries her absolute best to give you the right treatment and once she actually is close enough to you and your parents, preferably even already your girlfriend and also having contact with the doctor, she asks all of you a lot of questions, being curious, as well whilst writing eagerly everything down for her to remember. She can still misread situations easy and is most scared that she’ll mess up something which has her worrying a lot. But in general Yachi appears to be a very tidy and clean character, probably due to her mother being a graphic designer so she might just organize your stuff at first more out of habit before realizing what she did and apologizing quickly with you dismissing it and telling her if she wouldn’t have done it, you would have never done it as well since you lack motivation. It makes her want to move in with her darling even more because she starts worrying that one day something terrible might happen due to your unmotivated behavior as well as not being focused and she would blame herself if this would really happen. She makes a lot of notes and tapes them in a lot of places where her darling can see them and be reminded that they have to do something today.

🍬She is more scared and easily startled with a darling who is in some regards similar to Hinata, Noya and Tanaka. Yachi is a person who gets easily embarrassed and scared so she often jumps back when you suddenly start shouting at her, being just too excited. She always has a small heart attack when you do it, but she knows that you can’t really control it which is why she won’t judge you. Not anymore. She still feels guilty for judging you the first time without knowing anything about you and she doesn’t want any it to happen again. Over time at the very least Yachi adjusts to the situation and becomes less scared, though you still catch her off guard sometimes. But she finds herself overcoming her nervousness a bit the more time passes by because her darling sometimes pushes her with their extreme activity into scenarios where she has no other choice, but speak up. But she also has her joy with this since you make her more outgoing and whilst she will always be a bit paranoid, she learns to be a bit more courageous and try things she never did before.

🍬Defending you is always a way for her where she has to hop over her shadow, but in that case she finds out they she doesn’t even care if someone twice as tall is standing in front of her, she won’t have someone being mean to you because of your disorder. She is terribly shaky and her imagination makes her quite literally believe that the person might end up killing you, but she proves that she has guts by still defending you and saying to the person that they should apologize which is a huge sign of affection from her side for you and even if she feels afterwards like she just lost ten years of her lifetime, she also feels proud whenever you thank her or your parents say that she was just now really amazing. She still can’t deal with all people, some not being shaken off that easily in which case she asks for help in the volleyball club and they’re ready to help her when someone is just being a bully to you and she tries afterwards always get best to cheer you up.

🍬Yachi ends up gaining a lot more confidence and more trust in her own abilities over time, having to deal with a lot of things, including defending you against those who choose to be rude and perhaps also your excited personality. But she gladly does all of it if it makes you happy and if she treats you right, though she still clings on her darling every now and then. She never stops keeping contact with your parents and your doctor because deep down she still feels like she doesn’t have enough knowledge yet which isn’t true in the last bit, but these are just her old self-doubts talking out of her. Similar to Kiyoko, she also trusts the members of the volleyball club with you, though she’s terrified what will happen if you meet the energetic guys on her team, specifically if you are one as well because it would make a quite troublesome mix up. But she has enough faith to know that they wouldn’t judge you and watch out for you.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Stay With Me (Pt. 02 of 09)

Pairing: Daryl Dixon X Reader

Word count: 2.4 K

Summary: Daryl found you surrounded by the dead, stuck in the backseat of a car. You were wishing for death to take you away for quite a while now, but, as you slid back and forth into consciousness, there was only one thing keeping you alive. Him, the man with blue, worried eyes and kind voice. Your beaten up body was ready to give up, too wounded and broken to keep going. But this man, who went out of his way to save your life is the only thing in the world holding you up. And, because of him, you feel something you haven't felt in a very long time: hope. Wherever he's taking you, you want to get there, and not only to be buried. For what it feels like the very first time, you want to live. He takes you back to Alexandria, but even there, the nightmares and the terror from all the torture and pain you've been through keeps creeping closer, and Daryl, your hero, is the only one who can keep that all away.

Warnings: Mentions and description (not graphic) of past abuse; post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD); some violence at the end of the story (a little bit graphic, but not so much); blood.

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{The Walking Dead Masterlist}

I want to thank my awesome friend @jodiereedus22 , who helped me (and still does) a lot to get this story done. She's also a writer and she's amazing so please go check her work!!

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Fear

As much as you're trying to stay alive, to live, if there's still a life worth living, you have to admit it's hard. It's harder than dying. Death doesn't hurt this much, you think. It's been only a couple of days since Daryl brought you here, and if it wasn't for him, and also Carol, you wouldn't be able to do more than stay in bed.

Your body will take long to heal, says Denise, who comes every day to check on your wounds. The talking soon started. You often overhear Carol in the hall, muttering about how you don't talk. About what happened before. They know your wounds were inflicted. It's quite obvious. But you do talk, just not to her. You have exchanged some words with Daryl, not much though.

Today, after Carol helped you take a bath, you pull the blankets up, over your shoulders. You would like to wear pants, but the wound on your left leg is too deep, Denise said, bone-deep. So she doesn't want anything covering it, not wanting you to move in your sleep and cause the fabric to pull and squeeze it. You don't complain though. This wound is the worst, you soon realized. It doesn't mean the rest is any better, but the leg... It kills you. The painkillers only work for a couple of hours, and you have to endure the pain until you can have the next dose.

It's a nightmare.

It's only worse when you try to sleep.

Whenever you close your eyes, the memories overcome you. Keeping your eyes open in the darkness isn't much better. That's when you realized you don't have to be asleep to have nightmares.

“(Y/N).” Daryl's voice gets your attention, and you roll to lay on your back. He comes in, looking down at you, worried. As usual. “Carol told me ya don't wanna to go outside.”

That again. “No.” You mumble. Carol wants you to get some sunlight, on the porch. But you rather be in here, away from people's eyes.

“Why?”

Breathing heavily, you push yourself up, biting your tongue when pain takes over. Moving backward, you release the air you were holding when your back reaches the headrest.

“Ya need it. To soak in some vitamin D.” He furrows his eyebrows in the end, and you wonder if he's just repeating Carol's words. “Nobody here will hurt ya. Trust me.”

“Would you stay with me?” Your voice still sounds weak for not using it. Looking at your hands, you wonder if you should even ask this of him.

“Wouldn't ya feel more comfortable with Carol?”

Slowly, you shake your head no. Carol has been very kind, but still... You can't bring yourself to feel safe around her. Not completely.

“You don't have to.” Despite the constant need to be around Daryl, to feel safe, you can't force him to be around you. It's not fair. Clenching your hands into fists, you close your eyes. The thought of leaving this room without Daryl makes your whole body shake, tremble. “You don't have to. But I'll stay here. I-if someone out there sees me they will–”

“Hey, hey.” You feel the mattress moving, eyes opening, terror creeping over at the feeling of someone near you. But when you find Daryl's blue eyes, your whole body slows down, and you have to fight back the urge to touch him.

“I'm sorry.” The words come out, but not the sound.

There's a battle inside you. Maybe your mind is way too wrecked, as far as your body, and it's struggling to take a grip on reality. The only thing you know is that you can't go outside without Daryl. He will protect you, keep you safe from anyone who tries to hurt you. And without him... You're an easy prey. You always have been.

“That's not it. I just... I don't get why ya want me around.”

You don't understand him, why he sounds so... Sad. Desolated, even. You haven't noticed until now, but looking further, you recognize something in his eyes. Something you're sure people can see in you too. Pain. Suffering. A past that almost killed you, not only physically.

“You're my hero.” Whispering, you tell him, wondering if you've been looking for too long into his eyes. “I... I know you'll keep me safe.”

“C'mon then.” He finally says after almost a minute of silence.

You're starting to move, pushing your right leg to the floor with a groan when Daryl gestures for you to stop before picking you up. He's careful with the blanket, keeping it around you. A moan escapes your lips when a sharp pull makes your leg burn.

“Ya ok?” Eyes closed tightly, you nod. “Sorry.” He mutters before he starts walking. You finally get a look at the house. The walls are a light pale blue, with not much for decoration. Downstairs, the living room feels cozy, with two couches and a fireplace.

“You got her out!” Carol exclaims, causing you to cling more onto Daryl, heart racing suddenly. “It's good to see you down here, (Y/N).” She gets in your sight when Daryl turns a bit, coming from the kitchen with a smile on her face.

“Gonna stay out there with her.”

“That's good.” She happily nods. “The sun will warm you up.”

You know you should say something. Or smile. Somehow respond to her kindness, but you just can't. You just rest your head on Daryl's shoulder, a hand tugging on the collar of his shirt.

“Alright, let's go.” You're relieved when he starts moving again. Until you're outside.

The sunlight casts a soft, golden light on the street, and a cold wind messes with your hair. This is beautiful, peaceful if you consider the world you live in. But your eyes start looking for any signs of people, anxiety building up as Daryl puts you down on a wooden chair. When he let's go of you, your hands immediately grab the edge of the chair, so hard the muscles of your arms burn.

“Hey.” He calls, kneeling in front of you. “Relax.” Daryl takes both your hands, removing it from the chair. “I'll be right here with ya.” He then stands up, stepping back to lean against the white wooden railing.

With your eyes locked on his, you rest your back on the chair, taking a deep breath. It's good to be out, and the sunlight falling on your face and neck feels nice. You can't remember the last time you enjoyed it, the last time you even had the chance to just sit in the sun. Opening the blanket, you allow the sun to illuminate the skin of your arms. But your eyes start following the bruises, purple and greenish, the grazes and the scratches...

“Daryl.” An unknown voice gets your attention and you turn your head at the source. A man climbs the steps, and you start breathing fast. His beard reminds you of one of them. The one who smiled as he sliced your skin. “Is this (Y/N)?” His eyes fall on you.

How does he know your name?

When he steps in the porch, you look at Daryl, reaching out your hand. It takes a while until he understands, until his hand touches yours. Through the corner of your eyes, you see the man coming closer, and you need to hide, to run away.

In a jolt of adrenaline, you pull yourself up, almost stumbling down, your body finding no other way but to collide against Daryl's chest. A groan leaves your lips as you lose your breath and hide your face. Both your hands grab his shirt, all your weight on the right leg.

“Hey, ‘s alright.” His chest vibrates as he speaks, but you don't move, you just want to disappear, to stay away from whoever this man is.

“I don't get it.” The man says, making you flinch, tears already rolling down.

When your leg gives upholding you up, you almost fall, but Daryl is quick to hold you up. “ ‘S alright. C'mon.” He takes you in his arms again, and you hide your face on the crook of his neck, eyes tightly shut, as if it would make you disappear.

Your body shakes when a sob comes, the image of that bearded man filling your mind. ‘You'll beg me to do this to you in no time. You'll learn to enjoy the blade slicing your pretty skin open.’ He said, laughing, giggling. He holds you down, his body making it impossible for you to move.

“(Y/N).” Daryl's voice brings you back, and you notice you're in bed again, still holding on to him. “Look at me. Hey.” His hand comes to your face, but you can't open your eyes. “Ya need to listen to me. Yer safe here, I promise.”

“No.” You mumble, forcing yourself to look at him, his face close to yours, foreheads almost touching. “H-he looks like that man. He... He...” A hand comes to your side, to the cuts under your breast. “I need you to stay with me.” It comes out as a cry, voice cracking, sobs out of control. If he let's go of you, you'll break down. “Please. Please.”

“Slow down.” You feel his arms around you, and you curl up against his chest. “ ‘M right here with ya. Calm down.”

His arms are the only place you're safe. The only place you won't be hurt again.

“Daryl. Rick wants to speak to you.” Carol says, her voice low and soft, fading in the end.

“Tell him to wait,” Daryl mutters, a hand caressing your hair.

“I'll get her some water.”

“Alright.” He answers, pulling away. “(Y/N), look at me.” Blinking a few times to push the tears away, you meet his eyes. They look like the sky during summer, or like the ocean, steady and calm. “That was Rick. A friend of mine. He's been with us since the beginning, he would never hurt ya.”

“I... I...” Stuttering, you try to catch your breath. You don't know what to say, you just need to stay away from anyone who isn't Daryl. “Don't let him come here.”

“I won't. But I need ta’ see what he wants.” You immediately shake your head no, not wanting to be left alone. “I'll be right there.” He gestures at the door. “I'll be right there in the hall and then I'll come back ta’ stay with ya, 's that alright?”

No, it's not. “Ok.” You tell him, not hearing your own voice.

The cold creeps over your skin the moment he let go of you, so you pull the blankets closer, eyes on his back, on the wings... Until they disappear. Carol comes soon after with a glass of water, sitting on the bed and handing it over to you.

“Drink, (Y/N).” She urgers and you do as she says, hands shaking as you take a sip.

Daryl's low voice reaches you, along with another voice, from that man. Rick. He said he's name is Rick. You never learned the name of the one who cut you, they never allowed you to know anything about them. It was part of the torture, probably.

“She needs to be introduced to the group. They need to know who she is. Who she was before, you know that.” The man says, his voice coming from the hall outside the bedroom.

“She's wounded. Ya don't know how much.”

“I get it, but we take no exceptions. We can't. She's been here for days.”

“(Y/N) doesn't even talk yet.” Daryl raises his voice a little, annoyed. Your eyes are on the open door, waiting for him to return. “Something happened to her. People hurt her.”

“She speaks to you, doesn't she? I heard her–”

“She's not ready yet!” His thunder voice makes you shake a little, and you exchange a glance with Carol.

She gets up, moving to the door. “Could you take this downstairs?” She asks them, stepping back in and closing the door.

You start moving backward, a groan of pain escaping when your sore muscles complain. You wait for it, the noise of the door closing once again, soaking out the light, the click of the locks that imprison you in complete darkness. The cold that hovers over as you wait for the next day. The next one. The next torture.

“Don't.” Daryl's voice cuts in, a force of itself, pulling you away from the memory, back to reality. Daryl holds the door before it closes. “Keep it open.” You don't know how exactly he knows it, but you're happy he does.

Carol nods, returning to sit on the bed. “You two have something going on that I don't know about.” She mumbles, and you look down at your hands.

“She needs time and she'll have it. If Deanna wants to throw her out, tell her I'm out too.” Walking fast, he's soon back in the bedroom, gesturing for Rick to leave. Daryl's angry. You've never seen him angry. “Carol get out.” He mutters, not bothering with her eye roll. He stands beside the bed, and you reach for his hand.

“I'll talk to Rick. Put some sense into his head.”

He doesn't answer, sinking down on the mattress in front of you. His expression softens when you look into his eyes, the anger from seconds before vanishing. “Ya need to talk.” He begins, keeping his voice low. “Ya need to tell me what happened to ya. Who did this to ya.”

Blinking a few times to push the tears away, you look at your hands, clenching them into fists.

“If ya tell me, I will tell the group. Ya won't have to ever say it again.”

The last thing you want is to revisit all that happened. Your mind already does that, a lot, bringing you back to the place where you learned what real fear is. What pain and suffering are. The place where your worst nightmares had to flee. They were nothing compared to what happened there. And speaking of it is far worse. It brings it back to life all over again, make it happen all over again...

But it's better to tell Daryl then than to anyone else. This Rick or this group Daryl talks about. No, that you couldn't. If you tell Daryl, he'll understand. He'll keep you safe, keep you from ever going back there.

“Alright.” You mutter, taking a deep breath, feeling as your ribs ache when the air fills your lungs. Bracing yourself, you start.

×

@funeral-7 @heyyy-hey-babyyy @twdeadfanfic @soraitmnt @winchester-angel @bvbwestfall @shawtygonemad

[mytwistedhome]

Diasomnia members when they find out you have Anorexia

Trigger warning to anyone who suffers with an eating disorder!!

It’s one of those nights again... Writing these headcanons to give myself some solace. 

I hope this can maybe bring comfort to someone else, or at least provide some bit of entertainment. My intention is not to cause harm or trigger anyone. That is the last thing I want.

This time, these headcanons are for Diasomnia members. I’ve already posted ones for Pomefiore and Ignihyde (of which you can see on my blog, if you desire), and the other dorms will likely be posted the next time I need some self cheer-up.

I swear I’ll have some proper writings up tomorrow, and even more by the end of the week. And, I intend to keep my promises this time. Sorry, I’m really not much of an angel if I’m being honest. I sincerely apologize to the friends and the requesters of whom I’ve neglected. You don’t deserve to wait and wait just to see me break a promise and go back on my word. That’s entirely my fault, and with my whole heart, I am sorry.

💚

Malleus Draconia

So this is how humans hate themselves? How horrifically graceful...

Not gonna lie, he romanticizes the idea quite a bit at first

He watches with a morbid curiosity as you quickly grow thinner and thinner day after day, and how you stumble around weakly in a constant dizzy state

He finds it fascinating how a weak human can withstand such torture brought onto them by themselves

It really is odd, isn’t it?

You, a human, already bound to die after several years of life, are hurting yourself even further

You are so delicate... He's really enthralled. It's so strange how you hurt yourself in a sickly yet gracious way, and he cannot help but watch from afar

But, he knows that he cannot simply watch you forever as you kill yourself

He sees how much you are hurting and suffering, and he grows incredibly sad for you

You don't deserve to go through such pain. What ever made you decide to do this?

He can't possibly imagine what it must be like, and he becomes mournful over you

And he's now determined to bring you help, some way, somehow...

He tries to confront you about it. On those nights when the two if you run into each other outside the Ramshackle dorm, he'll make vague, elusive references to your starving yourself

The way he goes about it is oddly beautiful. He says things like "it's been several days since we've talked like this. You've grown thinner from before," and "it's often lonely and empty, the day's without you, much like how your stomach goes empty," or "you always seemed mesmerized by my abilities, particularly when I vanish from your eyes, but isn't it the same when you float through life in a dazed state of mind? From that dizziness brought on by hunger?"

And you're left with your mouth wide open, absolutely stunned. He knows. Somehow, he knows

But you still play dumb, wondering what in earth he means, knowing all too well what it is he means...

Malleus sighs sadly. The look on his face is incredibly hopeless and pitiful (and for a moment, you feel guilty for having brought him to such an emotion) before he crossed his arms and his look turns dour. He's done dancing around this topic

He's very straightforward now, telling you sternly that you need to stop this. Stop hurting yourself, stop killing yourself

He tries not to let his own feelings show, but his jaw softens and his lower lip trembles every now and then

You become overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, and self-hatred. Those are the exact emotions that Malleus was trying not to stir, but you just can't help it as he scolds you so seriously. Just how long had he known? How long had he been watching and worrying over you?

When he's done speaking, you let out a wretched gasp as you clutch your chest, your heart palpitating from the overflow of emotions, and the hunger, and the sudden movement

Malleus reaches out to you, his hands clutching your arms and steadying you on your feet as your knees buckle

He stares at you wide-eyed in shock, unable to say another word. He knows that you are weak and your health is poor, but what caused you to react in such a way just now?

Your stomach feels as if it's caving inwards, and a coldness spreads throughtout your body

Tears begin to well up in your eyes. You know that Malleus is worried for you, and you didn't mean to make him worry, but you really just wish he didn't know... That this could still just be your secret and you would get help on your own when you're ready

Oh, god... this didn't help. Somehow, this whole confrontation triggered you. Now you just want to starve yourself even more, continuing this way forever

But Malleus won't let that happen, even if it hurts you (as in, emotionally) to stop. Continuing this way would break his heart

Lilia Vanrouge

Lilia’s been around. He knows how serious eating disorders can get. I’m sure he’s seen other who have suffered or even died from it.

Actually, he was the one who suspected that you had anorexia

He noticed how you would pick apart your food before eating, how you chew so slowly, and how you are always eager to leave the meal table

Not to mention how you almost cower away in fear when certain foods are offered to you

Also not to mention how you gaze longingly at other people's plates

To him, it's obvious because he can pick up on all the subtle signs.

Confronting you is a bit tricky... He really doesn't know how to approach you about it in a way that will make you open up

When he's around you, he'll begin to ask you questions in concern

He'll often ask you if you're okay, if you're feeling alright, etc. You always lie

He knows you're lying, but he won't mention it. He'll just continue to ask if you're doing okay with sincerity every time he's around you

Eventually, you begin to realize that he is someone who might very genuinely care about you, and you are very touched by his concern. No one has ever been so worried about you before

One day, when the two of you are alone, you say something like "I'm actually not okay..."

And then you vent to him for a very long time

You even start to cry

He keeps silent through your venting, but he listens intently to every word you have to say

When you're done, he gives you a sad smile and tries his best to console you

He lets you know that you can reach out to him anytime you need

Overtime, he convinces you to seek help and receive actual treatment and recovery

Probably the most successful of all the guys in putting you on the road to recovery!

Silver

He is very taken aback

Truly, he doesn't know what to say or what to do

He immediately feels so, so bad for you... His heart mourns for all the suffering you must have been going through

He tries to be sympathetic... He really does

But at the same time, he's a bit worried about getting involved. How are you going to react to his knowing? Will you really take kindly to his concern? Or, will you push him away, as is so common a symptom of this disease?

He subtly watches you as you eat your meals. He's quite good at watching without making it seem so, and he uses this skill to keep an eye on you in concern

He sees how you cut your food into tiny pieces, how you push it around in your dish, hardly ever bringing the fork to your lips...

And his heart breaks. How pitiful it is to see you like this

He wishes he could just reach his arms out and somehow save you, help you... But that wouldn't work, would it? This is a very real problem; he can't just save you in a fanciful way, no matter how badly he wishes

He gathers the courage to approach you about it, just to let you know that he's aware of your struggle and that he's willing to listen if ever you need to talk to someone

He sits down beside you after classes one day as you're doing a bit of studying/reading. You what's you to feel as comfortable as possible, not like he's pushing you to open up if you aren't ready

You smile when you see him come close, happy to have his company

Well, this seems like it's off to a good start!

The two of you exchange a few words of warm conversation, but then a silence falls, and you see Silver's face darken, turning into a sad expression

And, after a bit of hesitation, he tells you that he knows... He knows how you starve yourself, and how you suffer, but assures you that all he wants is to help and be there for you

You are quite stunned, only staring at him blankly, unsure of what to say

It certainly cought you off guard, having him say it just like that...

After a moment, you thank him for his offer and for his concern, and you really do appreciate it

But... You are still very alarmed

You excuse yourself and head back to your firm, trying to take this all in

How long had he known...? You knew he was trustworthy and kind, but you weren't sure if you weren't sure if you wanted to let him in to such a private and major part of your life

From then on, you begin avoiding him, not wanting to let him in. It hurts him to see you hide away from him, but he expected this to happen

But then, one day, you are having it particularly rough, and you feel so miserable... You call Silver, just to hear his voice. Just to have some company. Just to feel like you aren't alone.

And he does everything he can to comfort you, listening intently to all you have to say

He doesn't push you to eat, or urge you to get help, he is just... there. And that is all you could ever ask for

He continues to be the friend of whom you seek out for comfort, and Silver is happy to be there for you whenever you need

Sebek Zigvolt

He finds out after he catches you in his arms upon your fainting

He's used to Silver falling asleep at random, but the way that you wobbled across the room, shuffling your feet and swaying as you tried to walk in a straight line, then spinning as your eyes rolled back, trying to find your balance as you babbled out incoherent sounds before sinking to the ground...

He's certainly not used to that. It terrified him to see you in such a state, and that fear turned into overwhelming worry for your well-being

He had rushed to your side before your head clashed with the hard ground. He wrapped his arms tightly around your shoulders as your head tilted back onto his chest

He gazes at you with absolute panic, his mouth agape and eyes wide with fear

He tries to shake you awake, but your head just bobs and your arms fall limply at your side, your legs having already given out entirely

In panic, he shouts for help while also loudly urging you to get up, wake up, and stand on your own two feet

Luckily, his voice was heard by a couple others (probably just Lilia or another elder student) who come rushing into the room

They see you passed out with your sickly pale and gaunt face, and they advise Sebek to immediately take you to the school's infirmary, to which he promptly obeys and carries you there

He leaves you in the care of the nurses, and the whole time that the two of you are parted, his mind is reeling with worry

He can't bring himself to relax at all. He's all strained and stressed over you! He's unimaginably worried. He really wants you to be alright...

When you finally return to your consciousness, Sebek is one of the first to know, and he immediately rushes to wherever you are, regardless if you're still feeling dreary

He, very loudly, bombards you with questions as he tries to make sure that you are alright

He's still in a bit of a panic... Are you sure that you're okay?

You assure him that you're feeling fine now as you chew and swallow your 180 calorie granola bar

Sebek is relieved, but now he's demanding answers. How did you pass out in such a scary way? What happened then? What's going on with you?

Your head starts to spin once again at his pressing questions. You can't just tell him that you don't eat

Like with Epel, you try to make excuses. First, you try telling him that you were just overheated

Sebek doesn't buy that; he explains to you that you felt cold to the touch and had goosebumps all over your body when he caught you in his arms

You then try to say that you are anemic

That could be true, but now Sebek knows you are lying, and he presses you even further

Tears start to well up in your eyes. You don't want to come forward with this secret!

But he keeps pushing you with his loud voice... You can tell that he cares, and you feel bad for making him worry so much

Maybe you can trust him...

On the condition of him keeping his voice down, you tell him. You tell him that you fainted because you purposefully don't eat enough

He doesn't take it too well... He actually grows angry

How could you do such a thing to yourself???

You beg him to please, please calm down. You try to explain to him that this is something you can't really help...

After you briefly try to explain, his brows furrow together, as if in a glare, but his eyes are so full of sorrow

His chest tightens in pain and pity... Pity and sorrow for you. That's what he feels. And helpless, as well, to your suffering

He pushes you to get help, urging you every single day

He wants to help more. He wants you to just be okay. Why can't you just wake up and not have this problem anymore? Why do you have to be this way?

But he feels like there's nothing else he can do...

[grief-blogging]

My mother was not the only mentally ill person in our family.

I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder as a young adult. Contrary to pop cultural depictions, it's not organizing your bookshelves by color and washing your hands 50 times a day (although I have met some fellow OCD-sufferers with telltale raw, red, cracked hands). It's also definitely not, "Ohmahgahd I haaaate olives in my martinis, I'm so OCD."

My obsessions were a cycling voice on repeat in my head since puberty telling me, "Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself." My compulsions were biting my nails until they bled and the quicks throbbed in pain with any environmental change (being submerged in water, eating salty french fries, stepping outside on a cold day, et cetera), picking my skin so ruthlessly I looked like a crystal meth addict, and ripping out my hair. For many years I had a bald patch on my head that I obscured with hairstyling. A lifelong atheist and critic of superstition, I became obsessed with ripping out my eyelashes and making wishes on them. "I wish my skin would heal. I wish my mom would get better. I wish my niece would turn out normal." You have eyelashes for a reason, and without them my eyes were constantly irritated and watery.

I've always been adept at putting a pretty facade on things. I was careful to leave my bottom eyelashes alone, and I glued strips of false lashes on the top. I skillfully hid the scabs on my face with makeup. My face held people's attention enough that few people noticed my miserable, ragged fingernails.

In my mid-twenties, I started going to a new therapist. I'd been to many therapists before and didn't find them particularly helpful. I was in the throes of the worst valley I'd ever experienced in terms of my mental health. The constant voice in my head telling me to kill myself was as relentless as ever. It felt like torture, like captors blasting death metal at a prisoner so he couldn't have any peace of mind and eventually caved to their demands. I was very, very close to caving to the demands of the OCD voice in my head.

I made a plan for how I was going to kill myself. It took me a long time to think of a way where Nic wouldn't have to find me or clean anything up, and hopefully I wouldn't be in too much pain before I died. I was not resolute. I didn't want to die. Every time I pictured my plan in my head, I sobbed and begged myself not to. It just felt like the only way to get the voice to shut up. I can't describe the voice. It wasn't my own. I tried to figure out the source of it but I never could. It felt like a taunting whisper rising up to me from a crack in the ground.

I made a compromise with myself: we would try therapy one last time. We would give it a good go, the old college try. We would actually put in the work and make an honest effort. We would do it for three months. If I still needed to kill myself at the end of the three months, then it was okay. I was allowed to do it and not feel guilty.

I don't know if it was my own desperation or if she was just that great, but to my immense surprise the therapy actually worked. I feel like my life could be divided into two sections: my life before I met her, and my life after.

Right around the three month mark is when I found out my mom had cancer, and Nic and I decided to move back to my hometown to help take care of her. I talked to my therapist about the upcoming move and she helped prepare me for what I was going to experience. I don't think I would have handled everything as well as I did without her.

For the most part, my life now is not particularly hindered by OCD. I know how to interrupt myself when I feel the urge to pick at my skin or hair, I have long, manicured, well-kept nails, and the voice only makes occasional cameos and I know well enough by now to brush it off.

I have one irrational obsession I haven't been able to shake, and it's a weird one. Much like the fixation with making wishes on my tormented eyelashes, this one doesn't make a lot of sense and will never happen.

I have this scene play in my head at least once a day. I'm home, it's late morning, and I hear a knock at my door. I go to answer it and there is a swaddled baby on my doormat. I recognize her immediately from the photos. I can tell by her giant, blue eyes, the wispy corn silk hair, and delicate mouth. It's my mother. I pick her up and take her inside and I take care of her. She's my baby now. I show her the unconditional love and patience and consistency that she needed as a child and didn't get. I see her grow up well-adjusted, free from the cycle of abuse. If it turns out her problems were more nature than nurture, I don't take the stoic, 1950s Catholic route. I take her to therapy, just like she did for me. She learns how to cope with her mental illness in a healthy way. She finishes college and becomes a nurse, like she always wanted to. She finds a partner who makes her happy. She doesn't have seven children to fill a void in her heart. She faces her problems head on and doesn't die at 66 after an exhausting, ruinous battle with cancer. She has the beautiful home of her dreams. She thrives.

In December of 2017 I had an elective bilateral salpingectomy. I don't want to get pregnant. I don't want to have a baby. There is only one baby I want, and I can't have her, so what's the point?

Nic and I bought a house about a ten minute walk from her childhood home. Sometimes I walk over and take it in. Nearly any time I drive in that direction and I don't have a passenger in my car to ask me why I'm being such a weirdo, I slowly drive past it. I hope the current residents haven't noticed me. I'm not trying to be like, the neighborhood Boo Radley or something. I just like to stop and look and picture little toddler Leslie playing in the grass. I like to imagine her little kid chubby wrists and knees. I imagine how differently her life would have ended if she'd had an easier start.

Like I said, not my most rational obsession. Checking to make sure I locked the front door 37 times would probably be healthier.