#and idk sometimes im not sure if ive got that beginning first push in me

[retrograde-raven]

Must I contribute to society is it not enough to have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge?

[dabiapologist]

All of them.

damn alright lol uuuh let’s see where to begin 

- THE BOY IS A TODOROKI

-dabi has a lot of self-destructive habits; smoking, drinking, promiscuous behavior, etc. all formed out of a persistent need to spite endeavor…i mean it’s not canon that dabi smokes but from what ive seen in fanart and fic (including my own) we’ve all pretty much decided that dabi chain smokes and i wont be surprised if we see a panel in the manga of him casually lighting one up with twice and giran soon

i mean he’s already the physical representation of smoker’s lungs so he might as well lol 

-despite his appearance, dabi has a really nice singing voice, it’s kinda rough and soulful, and when he was living at home he used to sing shouto to sleep. I like to think he does that now in the VA. It’s something not a lot of people know about him, and him singing to you is a sign of trust and affection. i have this hc that shigaraki has a lot of nightmares so he doesnt sleep well, but on those nights where he’s feeling bad, dabi sings to him and it puts him out like a light. 

-dabi often goes into protective big brother mode with toga, he cant help but take care of the little psycho lol like sometimes he’ll steal food for her and stuff 

-who do you think introduced shouto to cold soba, hm?

-a lot of people think dabi is homeless; I can’t say I agree tbh I saw this movie pretty recently about people living in a technically condemned building and it was full of really shady people who kinda fell off the grid sidenote: the movie was horrible and disgusting but the idea was interesting and I picture dabi living in a ratty old apartment like that, with bare essentials and around people who wont ask questions cause they’ve also got things to hide

-I think his burns are self-inflicted; the result of relentless determination to master using blue flames and I think Dabi would rather die than use anything less

- i do, however, think he burned himself while he was still at home. I dont believe that shouto was the first to be put through endeavor’s “training” but I think enji gave up on dabi pretty early on, once shouto’s ice/fire abilities manifested, and dabi, desperate to prove him wrong, pushed himself to be better, until the inevitable happened. And if Fuyumi hadn’t found him, smoldering, foaming at the mouth, screaming in pain, that dabi probably would’ve died from his injuries. 

- Dabi officially ran away from the hospital after being isolated in a burn room for months, with only one visit from Endeavor. The sole purpose of that visit being to tell Dabi to his face that he was nothing but a failed prototype. 

-not gonna get too into his backstory!! im working on a fic!!

some hcs of dabi currently in the VA:

-dabi can fall asleep literally anywhere

-how many edgy coats does dabi have? the world may never know

-dabi is a pretty sly pickpocket; he kinda had to learn to get money quick since finding a regular job might’ve been kinda hard 

-when he’s feeling talkative, dabi actually makes for a great conversationalist and drinking buddy; i imagine that’s why him and twice get along so well

- i also like to think that shigaraki occasionally enjoys his company, when dabi isn’t trying to pick a fight with him or insult him

-when he left home, he destroyed all record of himself; dabi made sure he fell completely off the grid

-if you follow me, i assume you’ve read or are at least aware of the shigadabi series i wrote where shiggy is cold and falls asleep on dabi but if ya havent: i like to think that because of his quirk, dabi’s natural body temperature is a lot higher than that of a normal person, which would normally be concerning but in a superhuman society, im sure an elevated body temp that doesnt fry your brain is probably the least concerning thing you’d see in an emergency room but anyways yeah because of this dabi has become the designated space heater and he hates it so much

- dabi has a really high pain tolerance. living with a large portion of his body burned and scarred could not have been a cake walk for anyone, quirk or no quirk, and he’s since learned to live with that constant pain

- dabi may look like a homeless bump but he actually takes surprisingly good care of himself. again, because of the degree of his burns, dabi is particularly susceptible to infection and illness so he has no choice but to be conscious of his hygiene and health. 

-after he ran away, dabi had to give himself a crash course in self-medicating and first aid. Due to burn scar contractures, dabi was often in extreme pain and very prone to infection, so he had to learn how to care for his wounds, how to bring himself relief, what types of aid where most effective, which medications had which effects,how quickly they kicked in, and most importantly, where to get them. 

-in that same vein, dabi has become very knowledgeable on antibiotics and basic first aid; he also knows how to properly stitch a wound and can do it very quickly so he’s the makeshift medic for the VA 

-being a combatant, dabi’s staples get damaged pretty often so he changes them out fairly often and it is absolute agony to remove them one by one, especially the ones under his eyes, so dabi literally has to get himself just drunk enough to take the edge off but still be able to swap them out without hurting himself; this is another reason i think dabi has a high pain tolerance 

-he carries an emergency suture kit in that little leather fanny pack thing; sometimes they get damaged mid battle and dabi has to stitch himself up in the moment until he can replace the staple that came out 

-changing gears a little, personally, i think dabi is a lot like shouto in that he’s funny, especially when he doesnt mean to be funny. dabi has that same aloof personality that shouto has because they’re brothers and he strikes me as the type to have a very dry sense of humor. that scene in chapter 160 where dabi says he gets car sick while completely blank-faced, that’s what i mean lol you cant tell me shouto wouldnt act the exact same way if he were in that situation

-dabi hates the rain; it makes his joints ache and his burns feel more tender and it’s awful 

-dabi likes spicy foods spicy food for spicy boi

-dabi has A Lot of piercings, and he’s done most of them himself 

-since he dropped out of school, dabi isn’t academically brilliant, but he’s a pretty fast learner and is very street savvy. And don’t mistake this for me thinking he’s dumb, because he’s not. Dabi’s a pretty intelligent guy, he just didnt have the opportunity to learn a lot of stuff. I was talking about this with a friend on twitter a while back, but the gist of that convo was that shigaraki is highly intelligent, especially academically and AFO encouraged him to read a lot and learn about a variety of subjects, because knowledge is power and blah blah blah

 so fast forward to the current time, shigaraki often reads the paper and random books (the book in question at the time of the convo was animal farm) and dabi likes to ask him about what he’s reading and is genuinely interested in shiggy’s literary criticisms, ideas, etc. and he learns a lot  

- idk what else to say lmao so i’ll cut off here i guess but yeah i have a lot of thoughts about the dabster

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.

[meateatingorchids]

I got rlly fat like i got a big belly now which is soooo weird and i feel uncomfortable about to the point i hate my self .... 

Like what the fuck is that huge belly omfg like im pregnant and its disgusting.  Im so ugly RN i hate my self sm 

Also i tried to eat fitness food n its disgustingly tasting that i regretted eating it in the first place

Its so bad to the point tge sweet potato is better tasting than strogonoff what

I feel overly full to the point its uncomfortable and rlly  othering me and my face got super fat to the point i dont want to ever go out again

I never felt this ugly since 1 year. This is the most ugly ive felt in one year and i rlly hate myself i wanna kms like i can barely look at my disgusting reflection . I look gross. Im grossed w my self which is unbearable

Like im p sure this is beyond my watwr retention cuz of period i probably did get fat and its disgusting.  I cant look at myself

I hv sm fat in my stomato the point i feel like vomiting when i hv to shower it bothers me to the point maybe thats all ill think about until I lose this fat

I got fat to the point i can't u look and until I lose i won't talk to ppl anymore

My skin got super ugly lately too i bet its bc of that meds I hate it sm I look so disgusting i can't even look at myself anymore I want to burn this body alive lmao

I want to die so I dont hv to look at my reflection. I need to lose weight

My face looks so ugly I want to smash it w a hammer .. i think abt dark things lately.... like harming my self n shit like that 

The other day I couldn't not self harm cuz I was having such a hard time the entire of July so I had to self harm to de stress and now i wanna cut my self more and more like I need to do some harmful thing cuz I hate this body lmao 

I hate every minute of now and ever since I got fat I've been trying to lose weight cuz I want to reach my goal. I want to be skinny and thats the only thing I think about since I got fat. I also say fuck to the world cuz i only want one thing n thats losing this fuckong weight n fats i wanna be skinny again and that is my n1 goal and concern like every thing else is second to that. Idc about med achool or any school right now my main goal is losing this weight and more and more I want to be skinny again like in 2013 when I was happy . Fuck med school or any other stupid mission I only care about one thing.... i hate the reflection in the mirror it is so disgusting. I want to punish my self for getting this fat. This look ain't it and the clothes look ugly on me now i hate my self. I hope whoever haunted me last month gets super ugly n fat. I look so disgusting its gross to exist in such an ugly body n face i hate my looks now more than ever but I've been low-key dissatisfied with my appearance since sometime in june or Smth I hated my getting fat since June and I feel like it is so gross and I need to vent out abt it 

If I end up binging and starbing cicle again I know that i can give up any dream cuz my life will be it, binge and starve ... this is all I do when I'm in the bad place. My entire life is math in my head abt what I ate and how much and counting the numbers weigh in measures and math  here n there and thats so mind consuming thats the only thing I think about and nothing else can fit in lmao this is the life of some ed community girl... sucks but that's all we have. I do feel like purging but I've never been good at it but I hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach and I hate the feeling of full and I hate it with so much passion that I come out lmao and I know unless I lose this weight that food and weight loss is all ill be thinking about so bye-bye med school. 

I even hate the feeling of fat in my calves cuz i feel it got fat and I can feel it and my thighs never looked so gross i hate my own body right now and since June I neen low-key hating it lmao...  welp 

I rlly never felt worse than this... since last june lmaooo I want to kill my self and I'm determined to do it bc that's all I have. I want to be free from this hell.

I have the most violent thoughts for the past weeks and I'm in the i wanna kill mode . I want to harm whoever did this to me whoever disrupted the peace I worked hard to get whoever disrupted it i wanna m*r*** them so much tbh I want to shake it off but the thought of causing as much harm as they caused me keeps coming to my mind I want to kill so much ... lmao I wan awake everything from them bc they rlly ruined my life that was hard to begin with. 

i got the need for an ed blog again cuz my ed is woken again lmao fuck my life. seems like its back i feel my ed waking up for the past months... its BACK i feel sometimes physically stronger as i used to be when i had my ed... even at my lowest weight i had some abnormal physical strength for a girl and now its back my ed... lmao fuckkkkkkkmy ed is strong and has such a darkness, dark mind and violent... idk how will i keep it under control cuz its very hard ... but at least my ed seem to protect me from some stuff... when i become very traumatized it seems to cause it to wake... whoever they were they woke up my demons.. thanks u scum vermin, u ruined the work weve been doing on putting it to sleep for over 10 years and u ruined its work it took 10 fucking years to out it to sleep... now its back and lively as always... why would anyone want my demon to wake why... my ed makes me physically stronger so its super easy to know when its here... lmaoooo im soooooo fuckedddd now ill pray i dont get in trouble much thats it

whoever was that kept pushing her to remember her traume woke the demon now they will have to pay for it

when i was only abt 40kg i had like sm physical strength and i only found out why years later... yeah... idk now what am i going to do i actually do love my demon despite all and were good friends... but sometimes it gets out of control.. its like having a pet tiger or lion tbh its v cute but it needs to be tamed... lmao also why did they disclose my demons name but not my angels lmao.. puzzling it is...

[smengus]

favorite kpop songs of 2017 from a fan who got into kpop the beginning of this year

aye!! 2018 is almost here, and i have been DYING to make a favorite songs/mvs in kpop of this year thing. it has been a fucking ride let me tell you.... first things first, just to celebrate this year and give myself some leeway, there will be 17 songs!! and they are in no particular order!! i am not a favorites person, i have too much love in my pitiful heart.... anyway, lets start!!

17. movie - btob (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42A-rFdralM)     there are many things i love about this song. i got into kpop quite literally the very beginning of this year, and thats wild, but this song was one of the first of many i had heard, and didnt know much about then but love now. i specifically remember going through that one hot 100 kpop song playlist on youtube and finding this one, and instantly love it. its one of the classics of this years, and def opened my mind to a lot more. 

love’s like a movie~

16. really really - winner (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tBnF46ybZk)    ohhhhh my god i could go on and on about this song. out of all the wonderful kpop songs weve been blessed with this year, this is the one that’s consistently stuck, and everyone knows it. its just that song. the music video is gorgeous and diverse but so simplistic with the black and white. dare i say its iconic; all of it.

널 좋아해~

15. rookie/red flavor/peek-a-boo - red velvet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0h8-OTC38I) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyiIGEHQP8o) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uJf2IT2Zh8)    ok, so yall are gonna hate me for literally putting all of their 2017 title tracks but oh my god... every single comeback they had this year was amazing, and id feel like id be playing someone if i just chose one or the other. like most sm groups, its not hard to absolutely love all of their songs. but in terms of aesthetic, sound, and all around look, red velvet killed it this year. so there. hope yall are satisfied with this.

peek a booooo~

14. fine - taeyeon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHXUM-6a3dU)    to keep this b/b/g/g pattern going, im choosing this one next and dear lord. this is another song id heard in the very beginning, and i was... frankly i was shocked. like, btob was surprising, but it was what i expected it be: boy group, fun, catchy, etc., but with taeyeon... god, her voice and the whole video... i was tearing up, not gonna lie. the lyrics especially got to me. its been in most of my playlists consistently this year, and i cant say the rest of the album isnt a must listen, just a recommendation from me personally.

its not fine~

13. dramarama - monsta x (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1afdZk0qcI)

 ok, i had a hard time on this one. its common knowledge they went through 3 major comebacks this year, all of which were amazing, but originally, beautiful is what stuck with me. i love the heck out of that song. then dramarama dropped a little over a month ago and... lets just say thats what convinced me to finally start stanning them for real. i have a thing for story driven music videos (bonus points if the story is actually mad good), so combine that with the absolutely amazing song and choreography, and you get their best comeback yet. honestly, it was so good, i urge yall to check it out if you havent.

dramama ramama ramama hey~

12. cherry bomb - nct 127 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkuHLzMMTZM)

 this song... THIS SONG... oh my god. i dont have an in depth discussion over the music video or the song or any of it but good lord... if youve heard it you know what im talking about. its another one of THOSE songs. its too bad it was generally slept on, but god... can i add i also love the choreography??? like a lot???? im the biggest hit on this stage~

11. palette - iu (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9IxdwEFk1c)

 yall KNOW i wasnt gonna put this one off any longer. this is also the song that got me to start stanning this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, spectacularly awesome woman. she’s great. and this comeback?? ive easily listened to the whole album about 50+ times. i was going to put ending scene instead since i adore that one too, but this is the one that really stuck out to everyone. aesthetics?? on point. lyrics?? poetic. voice?? like an angel. lmao, i really love iu...

i like it, im 25~

10. as if its your last - blackpink (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amq-qlqbjYA)

 ok the best part about this one was... since i was a new baby fan, at the time, the only group i really like, stanned, was bts. but i wasnt shut off from the rest of the music community tho, ofc. thats what im truly into kpop for: the music. so duh, i knew about blackpink and their bops (whistle was a personal favorite of mine). but for some reason, over time, they casually just became another group i was into? like, i knew the names, voices, roles, songs, etc.. so when i heard they were having a summer comeback, while i was free from school no less, i was ecstatic. i rewatched the teaser several times, stayed up and hyped with people online. and it finally dropped and instantly became my favorite song by them. its so goooood. my wife lisa, like, yas baby slay that rap while looking cute af. i love it very much, and im sure other blinks do too.

blackpink in your area~

9. dont wanna cry - seventeen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97cx53Tpp6g)

 yeahhh, im not gonna choose their most recent comeback for this one, sorry guys... its a good song, dont get me wrong but! this one is the one lmao. its so fucking beautiful. when i watched the mv for the first time, i was in awe cause the choreo was so good, and so different from what i had seen before, but it went with the song so well. its a very good listen.

울고 싶지 않아~

8. move - taemin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcEyUNeZqmY)

 yes. yes. yes. this song??? yes. oh my god. so, this next bit is gonna be a bit sad (to read and to write), but just because an explanation is needed for each of these... im a shawol. i was the second i watched 1 of 1. and god, it still hurts so much to think of what happened? but, this explanation is taemin. so, i was into shinee, period. i knew taemin was a solo artist. i dont know why i wasnt paying close attention to it, but one day move just like, dropped. out of nowhere. and i went ‘where tf...?’ and watched it and OH MY GOD. i cant convey on here well enough, but bitch, i rewatched that shit repeatedly. the song was constantly replayed, and it finally pushed me to take the step and go back and listen to all his other stuff (which i love). its just so... androgynous and he dont give a flying fuck how he looks, dances, or sounds, and i adore it. definitely another THAT song of this year, dear lord.

youve got got the rhythm~

7. 1+1=0 - suran (ft. dean) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA6G74gk6R8)

 ok, i was torn over this one. i bet everyone and their mother knows her for her “collab” with my boy suga, if i get drunk today. and YES!! THAT IS AN AMAZING SONG AND IM STILL SO PROUD OF BOTH OF THEM. but bitch, this had dropped sometime whenever, idk when since i dont stan and her, and i saw it on youtube and thought  ‘shes the suga girl, i wonder if thisll be good’. i was so surprised when i listened to it. the music video?? snatched. the song?? snatched. wig?? bitch its gone. lets just say, first listen, i had already loved it way more than the song i originally knew her by. 

1 plus 1은 0~

6. ddd - exid (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axVvZrDz60k)

 i put this one off long enough too. and this is obviously a very split opinion. they also dropped night rather than day which i am also 100% over the moon for. but god, i love sexy exid. and that is exactly what this comeback was. sexy, powerful, and aesthetically catchy as hell. (btw, exid is another group i actually stan, so i had been anticipating this one; i watched it while i was at school dusbgukg). so sad solji couldnt physically make it this comeback, but she was in the album, and that was enough for us. still wishing her the best recovery!

덜덜덜덜~

5. dont recall - kard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41Dp7Q-SM1Y)

 oh kard. the group that had millions of fans before they even debuted... they gave us many tasty treats this year, all of which were total bops, but dont recall... bruh, its just stuck with me. i still know all the others, but when i think kard i immdiately think the of the legendary beat drop tied with the beautiful mv of dont recall. also another THAT song, no doubt. sorry i dont have much for this one, i dont know much about kard, but this song has personally been a go to of mine for the past many months. 

그만해 i dont recall~

4. ko ko bop - exo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdssuxDdqKk)

 lmao, you will not catch me in a 10 mile radius even THINKING about power. i drink to forget. its cute and all but... mmmm.... ANYWAY. im gonna be totally honest, i really love their 2016 year in terms of music more than i did this one (lotto, lucky one, monster, etc., etc., etc.,) BUT! out of the comebacks they had this year, i am 100% 10x more into ko ko bop. not gonna lie, i didnt dig it at first listen. but a little later, i tried it again and... hooo boy, what a good song. i dont know anything knowledge based about music or music production, but i know that ko ko bop is a good song. very good.

shimmy shimmy ko ko bop~

3. gashina - sunmi (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur0hCdne2-s)

 ok. OK! so... yall gonna hate me, but i intentionally put off listening to this for the longest time. why?? i have no clue, its a great song. but i did. so by the time mama 2017 (IK THAT LATE) came around and i found out my boy taemin would be doing a collab stage with sunmi i was like... ‘ok i need to know who this girl is...’ i FINALLY sat my butt down and watched it and BITCH. okokokok, scroll back up, skim that taemin one, and imagine all those feelings, except like, gay. like, instead of thinking it was inspiring, i was just thirsting and being absolutely in love because holy shit everything about the song and the video are perfect????? THE LYRICS THOUGH TOO??? absolute women power i was 100% there for jesus christ.  왜 예쁜 날 두고 가시나~ 2. snow - zion.t (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiGSDywrX1Y)    this song made me cry :( straight up, when i first watched it, i cried so much. it got even worse the second go round when i knew the lyrics. its so.... beautiful. im a big fan of zion.t as well, so this was no disappoint for me. i luv it... and fun fact, its my favorite music video ever, kpop or not. im very into cinematography and photography so it was such a treat to watch it. youd have to watch it for yourself to know what i was talking about. 

눈이 올까요~

1. anything from bts this year (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBdVXkSdhwU << this is dna just cause i dont wanna post 3 songs lol)

 yall honest to god probably hate me. ‘we just read this whole list to get a biased, lazy ass answer?!?!’ but hear me out... lmao thats all i got. bts is my ult group, but ult group or not, every single thing they dropped this year was spectacular. truly honest to god, its probably been their best year yet. jk, idk about that, 2015 and 2016 were pretty good. BUT STILL. spring day, not today, dna (lots of ayes), ALL OF IT SO FUCKING GOOD. gosh, i love them...

 dna~

well, thats all of them! keep in mind, this is a personal opinion thing, and there many, many, MANY songs of this year i loved, but this is a list and its gotta end somewhere, so i chose the ones that really stood out to ME. this was probably a waste of time, and bet this gets no notes, but in my heart, it was worth it. i love writing and ranting out my thoughts. this was my first year in kpop, and while yes, there were a few devastating and heart breaking moments that im still not fine about, it was good. my friends are gonna hate me, but this is just one of many years to come of me being into this shit. hope next year delivers as good as this one did. happy new years kpop fans!

[nancydfan]

I feel like the lies Mia and Chris told Ethan are on completely different levels because they affected Ethan very differently which makes forgiving one person easier than the other. Like with Mia in RE7, as we’ve stated before we don’t know her reasoning for joining and staying with The Connections. But no matter what honestly Mia payed for being in that organization and lying to Ethan. She was in hell for 3. Whole. Years. at the Baker house. Chances are it would’ve been for eternity and tbh Mia seemed to accept that punishment for herself. Like she already suffered for her lies so I mean I think we can forgive her on that. While yes she did play a part in Eveline (idk if it was just escorting her or if she was more directly involved), but it was her companion’s fault (I think his name was Adam?? Idk) for letting Eveline escape. And when Mia confirms this during her flashback and she sounds angry at Adam for doing so. So while yes she played a small part in what happened to the Bakers the blame rests more on Adam since he let her escape. And Ethan’s involvement wasn’t her fault, it was Eveline who brought her there. At the end of the day Mia payed for her involvement and seems sorry for her actions, and for me personally I find it easier to forgive someone when they regret what they’ve done and try to make it right. That’s why I forgive Mia for lying to Ethan the first time. And in RE8 I forgive Mia for lying again because like honestly that must have been hard to realize your husband was infected. And how was she to know that Ethan would have remained fine after she told him?? Like we’ve said Ethan is the first of his kind and Mia probably thought the key to him staying himself was his ignorance. And yes I agree Mia should have told him, but I understand completely why she felt she had to keep it a secret. While yes Ethan probably would have been frustrated that Mia kept something from him again he would have quickly empathized with her and forgiven her. And I forgive her too because dang I am not jealous of being in her shoes when she found out about Ethan.

Chris’ case is completely different. He belittles Ethan the whole game and makes it seem ridiculous that Ethan would want to be involved in getting Rose back even though that’s his family out there?? And they’re literally in this situation because of Chris’ actions at the beginning of the game?? For me Chris felt more egotistic and hubristic because like you said he just doubles down on his actions even though they were clearly wrong. After Chris “killed” Miranda at the beginning he should have given Ethan a quick explanation, even if it was just “that’s not your wife and we need to get rose and you out of here because you’re in danger.” Would Ethan have believed it? Maybe, who knows. But Chris didn’t. He made Ethan think his wife was dead and that Chris and his team were against Ethan when in reality they were all on the same team and should have been working together. The only time Chris is apologetic is when Ethan dies and honestly it should not have taken Ethan’s death to snap Chris out of his mindset that he was right. We don’t even see Chris apologize to Ethan or Mia. And I remember people got mad at Mia for freaking out at Chris when he rescues her and I’m just like?? Imagine being held captive for who knows how long and suddenly the man who promised to keep your family safe is like “hey your husband’s dead and your kid’s gone :(“ like?? Anyone would freak out and be upset? Am I saying that she was right to yell at him no (though I probably would have too lol) but like she’s been through hell again excuse her for having her nerves be a little fried. I also saw someone else say “Chris wasn’t the one who cut Ethan’s daughter up and tried to kill him on multiple accounts throughout the game he was just trying to help!!” And it’s like?? Yes he was trying to help but in the worst way possible?? It’s like saying “no offense” and then saying something hurtful. Just because you said “no offense” doesn’t make it any less offense and just because Chris was trying to help doesn’t excuse his actions. Chris’ lie put Ethan in emotional/mental distress because he thought he just saw his wife brutally murdered AND put him in physical distress since it was his call to escort Ethan and Rose which allowed them to fall into the hands of Miranda.

I kind of put Chris’ and Mia’s behavior as “Capcom wrote them shitty because they wanted to do a whole “Mia’s alive” plot twist and wanted to make the game ✨spicy✨by making it seem Chris was the bad guy”. But whenever I say that people are still like “No Chris did nothing wrong!!” Or “Well you forgive Mia so obviously you’re a hypocrite” and you know I feel like you can’t even compare Mia’s actions to Chris’ because like I said Chris’ actions hurt and put Ethan’s life more in danger than Mia’s did. Yes I can see how Mia’s lie in RE7 put his life in danger but her keeping Ethan’s condition from him in RE8 did not risk his life. And I already said it wasn’t Mia who forced Ethan to come it was Eveline. Plus people forget it was ETHAN’S choice to enter the house. He could have called the police but he didn’t because he loved Mia so much he himself wanted to make sure she was okay. Sorry for getting ranty im just tired of people saying we’re hypocrites when they don’t see they’re doing the same thing themselves.

Thanks for being patient with me! I love getting asks from y’all even tho I’m a little slow sometimes. Aha 😆

I def agree with the differences. Ive been replaying RE7 while I just watched my friend play re8 so the two games are fairly fresh in my mind. Ethan walks into RE7 on his terms and in re8 he’s essentially kidnapped. That’s such a great point and I really hadn’t thought of it. He’s brought into hell differently and I think that is important to recognize.

Mia tried to keep Ethan away from Dulvey and it failed. She didn’t have time to explain and her msg never got through anyway. It wouldn’t have happened if Alan hadn’t messed up with eveline. And Mia absolutely paid severely for it for three years. She killed a person and harmed her husband with scars he’ll always carry. We don’t even know what she suffered with but it was three long years. She’s terrified when Ethan finds her so I’m sure the imagination can cover that further. I’m sure it was hell.

And like you mentioned, it’s Eveline that invites Ethan there, not Mia. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t indirectly have something to do with this. But when shit hits the fan, she owns it which means a lot to me.

I’ve said somewhere months ago I don’t care if Mias motivations were bad when she joined the connections. We’ll probably never know. But we do know Mia’s motivations with Ethan perfectly. The minute her job is gonna impact him (when eveline takes over on the boat) she levelsets. She’s honest w Ethan as much as she can be and then as much as he wants after re7. The whole mold thing just doesn’t count. Y’all really what do we expect her to say lol

As for Chris, watching his scenes again today I’m just so frustrated. I agree Capcom wanted him to be this way to draw out the Miranda Mia reveal and it was a baaaaaad decision on Cspcoms part. Especially when Chris tells him to stay away after Ethan’s taken out a couple bosses already and some minor ones. If they didn’t want the reveal till later, then don’t have Ethan and Chris talk because the first thing Chris tells him was something about being surprised he survived this long shame if you would die. And it’s like no???? This isn’t what we need to be saying rn. Ethan is a rage machine thinking you killed his wife. Maybe just be honest. Chris mentions he saw the evidence of Ethan being there so clearly the man’s doing just fine. And it’s not just my thoughts on this. The game makes it a point to highlight Chris’ mistake. I don’t know why Capcom went this route and I personally don’t like it. But it’s canonically true.

And yeah I don’t think anyone is accusing Chris of actually killing Ethan. We know he didn’t. He just didn’t help. Chris did more in re7. Its like Capcom wanted him in there and didn’t actually know what to do w him. His part was so small I couldn’t believe it was already over. Honestly the last 30 minutes of this game hurts my brain lol

I saw the Mia push Chris thing briefly cause a friend sent it to me and they had some questions about it. But I didn’t spend too long on it cause I guess I just didn’t care what was being said. I figure I didn’t like that Chris slammed his fist at the end in front of Mia when she’s the one who just lost a husband so we’re even.

You’re welcome to rant to me anytime. I hope I captured most of your ask because you made outstanding points and I really agree. Ultimately, it comes down to perspectives here and what people find more severe. One of my best friends doesn’t like Mia and she only saves her cause I’m watching. And I love her w my whole heart. I don’t think it requires defensiveness. We all intake media differently and it’s okay to have flawed characters.

[persional]

im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges  and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don’t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.