#but its also got scary levels of instability

[retrograde-raven]

Must I contribute to society is it not enough to have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge?

[liv-of-the-earthkingdom]

azula

from early childhood, azula was already seemingly shaped for royalty, she was her fathers favourite and a fire bending “prodigy.” while no one is born “evil,” azula is a perfect example that a child can be corrupted and became evil through pressure and responsibility. it certainly seems that azula was always supposed to be fire lord and that zuko never stood a chance of becoming fire lord. more evidence backing this up, is the fact that she, not zuko, was named after the current fire lord. while she was in favour of her father, it seemed very clear that zuko was her mother’s favourite and this began to form jealous rifts between the family, which would become a plot point as sibling rivalry between azula and zuko. “my father says she was born lucky, he says i was lucky to be born.”

when we are first introduced to azula, she is a cunning, witty and ambitious leader who goes to great lengths to succeed, yet even as scary as she seems, she still seems like she is trying to constantly impress her father. our first introductory scene of her, is the scene of her practicing on the ship and even one hair our of place is enough to discredit her impressive fire bending she had just displayed as it was not “good enough.” in season two we see her join up with friends mai and ty lee, ty lee who she “uses fear to control” and to convince her to come with her and leave the circus. throughout the entirety of season two, we see her play a steady cat and mouse game with team avatar, while also going after zuko and iroh and turning the dai li against their leader. she takes down aang, proving that she is calm, level headed and extremely smart as no one else made a move to while he was going into the avatar state.  

season three, we begin to see the start of azula’s downfall, especially in the boiling rock episodes. this is a huge turning point for azula, as she loses both mai and  ty lee, but it is more the way she loses them that leaves a larger impact. when sokka and the rest are escaping mai betrays azula and helps them escape, or as she puts it, “saving the jerk that dumped her.” this angers azula and she asks why. mai says “i guess you just don’t know people as well as you think you do. you miscalculated.” for azula, who likes to seem calculated and self-assured a lot, finding out that she was wrong can be very harmful. it is also a parallel from earlier in the boiling rock episodes where she states: “i’m a people person.” mai continues to say: “i love zuko more than i fear you.” which many people have speculated may have been something her mother said to as a child, or may have replicated feelings that her mother displayed to her as a child. it is no wonder that this sparks a tempered, and for the first time, out burst of emotion from azula. “No! YOU miscalculated. You should have feared me more!” which is the first time we see azula lose her unnerving calm. when the girls are preparing to fight ty lee steps in and chi blocks azula. this is very different from mai’s betrayal, because mai was not chosing between azula and ty lee, she was choosing zuko (much like azula’s mother). ty lee was choosing mai. whether or not you ship ty lee and azula or not, you can agree that ty lee plaid an important role in azula’s life, as did mai and their betrayal hurt azula.

now we move on to the final episodes of the series. most importantly the scene between azula and her father. when her father declares that he is leaving alone, azula once again loses her cool. the most fascinating line is: “you can’t treat me like this! you can’t treat me like zuko!” when fire lord ozai yells “AZULA!” the fear on her face is very real and it has been confirmed that she was worried she would face the same fate as zuko, regardless of smiling when he got the punishment. when discovering that she is the new fire lord she seems happier, but not like she would have acted the season prior, almost duller. not the kind of voice that has seem to won and got everything they wanted. 

in the scene where she fires the dai li, she mentions that “sooner or later they all would have betrayed her like mai and ty lee.” is this maybe a sign that she is not as nonchalant and uncaring about their betrayal then she is letting on? this scene is another scene in the same episode where azula is angry, which like afore stated wasn’t at all until boiling rock, because she is cool and unnervingly calm. even the way she’s sitting does not look like she has got what she wants, she looks defeated and empty.

now we move on to the mirror scenes. at first she “prepares her hair to meet its doom” by cutting it off with scissors, this is very far from the girl who wouldn’t have a hair out of place at her debut, considering this is her coronation. 

when her mother appears, azula is very hostile.her mother says she is there to see her coronation and azula says “don’t pretend to act proud, i know what you really think of me. you think i’m a monster.” considering this is azula’s imagination, could this be reflecting how she feels about herself? when her mother points out that azula uses fear to control people, azula says “well what choice do i have? trust is for fools, fear is the only reliable way.” this could be from the fact that the two people she trusted most had betrayed her, or azula has never trusted anyone in her life at all. therefore, confirming she feels she needs to use fear to control people. “even you fear me.” “no. i love you azula, i do.” and despite seeming to want her mother’s love all her life, she smashes the mirror where her mother is standing and falls to the floor crying. which we’ve never seen her do before, and we’ve never seen her this unhinged. 

finally, the final agni kai. the final agni kai, “the showdown that was always meant to be,” one azula had been anticipating her whole life. azula’s fighting type is usually calm and cool and pre-meditated. though, throughout the fight she is brash and not thinking moves through, rather just shooting fire. she is also laughing and seems to be tainting not only zuko, but herself. not to mention that going to strike katara with lightning did seem like a smart and sneaky move, but not really azula’s style, because she knew she was losing. 

in the final moments of the battle, is the final time where we see the complete unhinging and downfall of azula. could this be pent up emotion from trying to be perfect her entire life? we cannot be sure, but it seems highly likely. also to be beat by a mirrored version of herself, both same age and holding considerable power, one having grown up with love, and one grown up with coldness.

azula’s story is truly devastating. but does she deserve a redemption arc? she truly seems at times to enjoy being evil, and she was born and raised with evil and the desire to rule and conquer. she can still be defeated and not need a redemption arc. she is not zuko, she is azula. in the show she grew as a charatcer differently, becoming more powerful, than redeeming. but many people support that mental instabilities reached her to this point, comapring the symptons to paranoid schizophrenia. needless to say, she was a truly broken villian. 

[scarletwitching]

why is house of m offensive?

I’ve typed five different answers to this, and they’re all terrible. Maybe I’m just rusty at complaining about this awful story. I started my blog because I wanted there to be meta about Wanda that wasn’t “House of M sucks and is bad.” Not because I don’t agree with that sentiment – House of M DOES suck and it IS bad – but because that was 90% of all Wanda meta back then. And 90% is probably lowballing it.

I think I’m incapable of giving a good, scathing response because it’s boring to me. What’s bad about House of M? Literally everything. It’s not bad in an interesting way, and watching Wanda’s entire history be deemed meaningless because one (1) white man couldn’t stop masturbating while he was writing is depressing.

About a year ago, I started working on an essay about HOM and elements of its terribleness that I felt like hadn’t been explored enough. Namely, the connection to the Victorian concept of hysteria and the undercurrent of fetishization. I never finished it because I am a quitter and I got distracted. Then, yesterday morning, while researching another topic, I found this paper that addresses, among other things, House of M in relation to the Victorian concept of hysteria and its undercurrent of fetishization.

You should read that. I don’t agree with the way it addresses everything. Among other things, the writer doesn’t know what Schizophrenia is and misuses the term more than once, but it’s a good primer on some of the problems with depictions of women’s trauma and mental illness in superhero comics.

(It also refers to Wanda as a refugee, which is the first time I’ve seen anyone do that and it’s an intriguing idea that I need to think more about.)

There are a couple of other things that are worth mentioning though. The first is, coincidentally, Schizophrenia. Insomuch as HOM is about Wanda (it’s really not), it’s about psychosis and why people experiencing it are dangerous. It’s an extremely brutal, dehumanizing caricature, and the people who defend it don’t seem to understand that.

The easiest way I can think to break this down:

- The media tends to depict people with Schizophrenia and other related disorders as dangerous and specifically as killers.

- Those depictions – and the lack of counter examples – hurt real people. They have done lasting damage, irreversible damage, to the lives of already vulnerable people. This environment where they are seen as inherently scary not only marginalizes them; it also puts them in danger.

- House of M is one of those stories.

It’s a horrible misrepresentation by someone who does not even know what Schizophrenia is. His ignorance doesn’t undo that damage. Other people choosing to not care and view this as some beautiful story about Depression or whatever (we’re back to the fetishization again) doesn’t undo the damage. One bad comic book doesn’t cause systemic oppression, but this comic exists in conversation with many generations of similar stories. The cumulative effect of that conversation has helped craft a world that is hostile to people with psychotic disorders. A conversation that does not include them because it was designed to screw them over. 

And then there is the thing about infertility, which I’m putting under a cut because it gets personal.

So, I have a medical condition that causes infertility.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why House of M’s handling of that issue is bad. There is no reason to think Wanda can’t have children. She was married to a robot. She made children with magic because she was married to a robot. HOM says, nevermind, she made up kids because she can’t have them, and bitches love babies, amirite?

She suddenly gets retconned into the comic book equivalent of the ~barren woman~ who kidnaps someone else’s kid because she just! wants! a baby!!!! Her infertility (which doesn’t exist) and her mental instability and her murderous tendencies are all linked.

No, women with fertility issues are not viewed as dangerous the way people with Schizophrenia are, but we are seen as broken. As incomplete. As pitiable and sad and unwomanly. Wanda gets retconned into being unable to have kids on her own because, in the greater cultural imagination, infertility is a woman’s problem. It is a woman’s failure. Men who can’t have kids are rendered invisible because it doesn’t matter if they can’t have kids. It’s a huge deal if a woman can’t because that means she’s not fulfilling her only reason for existing.

The infertile woman is seen as both sad and suspicious. She is suspicious because she’s sad. How can she possibly deal with not being a Real Woman? She must be very damaged.

House of M is almost absurdly bad example of this mentality. You’d be hard pressed to find its equal. Is there another story where you can draw a direct line from a woman being “unstable” because she can’t have children to genocide? There are a million “it’s okay, Jon Snow will cure you with his penis” moments, in fiction and in life. Those are worth examining too, but HOM is a special kind of awful.

This being an extreme example makes it easier to point to, but there is a pervasive problem with the way we talk – and don’t talk – about women’s fertility that led to that story existing and to people thinking it’s tragic and moving instead of insulting. No one knows how to talk about infertility. I don’t know how to talk about it. We don’t have a proper cultural vocabulary for it, at least not in the US, where I live. 

You can talk to someone about it on a deeply personal, intimate level and feel understood or at least heard. The broader understanding of how to talk about it is not there. We don’t know what not to say or how to fit this into a greater feminist context. Or, if someone does know, it’s not me.

That’s enough talk about infertility. Let’s talk about genocide!!!

Genocides are not committed by a single mentally ill, minority woman who is mad at her dad for something he didn’t do.

That’s not how they work, and depicting them that way is symptomatic of the genre’s desire to play at “real world issues” while ignoring (and sometimes defending) the systems of power that allow them to occur in the first place.

…and that’ why House of M is offensive. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[thespookydoor]

Twilight Zoned

Ever had one of those dreams that invades an important place from your childhood, turning it into a realm of foreboding and impending horror? For most of my life, my aunt M— and uncle K— lived in a nice, quiet little hollow, hidden from the highway by a steep, rocky bank. They lived at the end of a long dirt road, past a few other houses, with a considerable chunk of property surrounding the main house, enough room for a large garage, space for my uncle to park at least a dozen vehicles to ply his trade as a freelance mechanic, and still have several fields of apple and pear trees in the back yard, a side yard reaching up into the woods at the base of the mountain, and even a couple up on the bank. There was also an old, bent apple tree in the front yard, propped up in several places over a picnic table, as it had grown too heavily to one side to support itself anymore. In spring, those trees would be all in bloom, buzzing with bees, and in autumn, all of the apples that M— had no room left for jarring or canning would fall to the ground, and the place would be buzzing with wasps and hornets instead. All summer, you could see the apples grow from blossoms to fully ripened, as well as go and play up along the bank. The house itself dated back nearly a century, starting out as a two-room shack, and had been added on to by successive owners, even including a second floor by the time they lived there. By the last time I got to visit the place (summer 2003), they had even replaced the wood stove in the dining room with central heating and other upgrades. There was also an old outhouse behind the place, despite the fact that the house had a fully functioning bathroom for many years before they moved in. The house was built right up against the bank, with concrete steps leading up to a retainer wall behind it, on the same level as the outhouse. It was high enough that you could actually grab icicles off the edge of the roof in winter, and in the trench below there used to be several water storage tanks from before the house was connected to the local water lines. There were several other outbuildings, including a shed next to the outhouse that was used for everything from storage to a brief existence as a club house, a chicken coop (where M— would sometimes raise chickens), and a door leading under the bank that no one seemed to ever use for anything, possibly due to age and/or structural instability. In those days K— was a volunteer firefighter, making his living from vehicle repair and local plowing and sanding during the winter, M— became the local babysitter after their own children left the nest, taking care of kids ranging from toddlers to grade school age, as well as my sister and I some summers when we were younger. Thus the place seemed to have a bottomless freezer of popsicles and endless pitchers of juice, and she was no slouch at baking, especially during the Holidays. It was also the natural place for family gatherings on that side of the mountains. Though it’s been many years, it holds a special place in my memory, which made it a very creepy setting for something eldritch and disturbing to invade… …A portal to the Twilight Zone is about the best way to describe it, just over the bank, on the other side of the highway. Submitted for your approval: a bizarre border, to a foreboding realm where even the color drained out of everything, where the sky shifted starkly to a shade of grey that only exists in old black-and-white films. No one else who entered returned, and occasionally disturbing things would happen on this side of the line, when the twilight would press in a little further on our side of the line, as if reaching out to claim the last refuge of our everyday reality. A group of locals found themselves trapped in the hollow, seeking refuge on my aunt and uncle’s grounds, for this invading space seemed to cut off the outside world, leaving us all trapped in the face of an advancing wall of darkness. I am part of the only group to enter this realm and return, and we are preparing to enter the Twilight Zone again, to make one last stand against this invasion, and some of my friends are preparing some kind of high-tech gear for me to equip, when things get worse. Up on the bank, where some refugees are camping, a large truck, in the midst of backing up, becomes possessed by an unknown force, running over several people and smashing into several other vehicles that had been moved up there for shelter or something, while the driver can only cry out in alarm and warning and ultimately, horror. And all I can do is run away, hopping a couple gaps that don’t exist in the waking world, and retreating down to the lower level. There is a horrible sense of shame accompanying this retreat, as the people here see us as heroes of a sort, and I have proven powerless against this truck without the equipment my friends are making, which is in one of the vehicles the truck smashes in its ultimately self-destructive rampage. Our numbers now greatly reduced by this assault, and I find myself unable to face the survivors, instead turning back to the wreckage above. As one of the few who had seen it and lived to tell the tale, I know that the other side contains all the scary things from the Twilight Zone, and that even just moving around in the open can leave you subject to all manner of strange and surreal modes of attack. I know the only chance I have is sneaking through the debris and retrieving the gear my friends were making. Still wary of any more animated machinery, I manage to crawl into the camper my friends were working in. I find no sign of them, nor any clue if they escaped or not. There is a computer running, and I can see the display showing a bunch of upgrades made to what I now see is a suit of powered armor, which I proceed to don even as I look over the list of new features. None too soon, I discover, as I look out to see some vast, shadowy form has entered the hollow, apparently seeking to wipe out the remaining survivors, and I am determined not to fail them this time. By now, the Shadow has overtaken the entire hollow, shrouding everything in darkness, and draining the color out of everything, as it had on the other side of the rift, leaving my area a heap of broken silhouettes, which would immediately put my waking self in mind of Limbo (the video game). I quickly discover that one of the new features is a stealth mode that allows my to hide amidst the shadowy ruins, as well as a “mystery” weapon that is apparently my best chance to vanquish the Shadow and turn back this unreal invasion. The last part is the Shadow moving about the hollow, looming over everything, its glowing eyes scanning the scenery, a deep, rumbling voice repeatedly challenging me, seeking to provoke me into revealing myself, even as I try to figure out how to use my mysterious new weapon against it. Knowing, in that way we just seem to know things in dreams, that this gift was no guarantee of victory, but merely a fighting chance… …Much to my annoyance, though, I would never get to find out how this harrowing confrontation ended, as I was dragged awake by the neighboring building’s regular 4-am engine-revving contest. Which may well be part of why this dream still haunts me, even days later, that feeling of being faced with something monolithic and seemingly inexorable, as well as having failed those around me against something that failure might well be inevitable, like trying to hold back a tidal wave with your bare hands. At the same time, though there is also a sliver of hope, the possibility that human ingenuity might yet invent a way to prevail, and turn the tide against the Unknown. To say nothing of the way the setting itself, an important piece of my childhood imperiled, left me with a sense of being challenged on a very personal level. Of all the places for something like that to begin, it had to hit so close to home, as it always seems to happen in the Twilight Zone…

[wildflower8281]

Some of the Crazy Shit in #nunlife

I’m trying to understand why I’m feeling so moved to write (again!) about much of this and share it. I think the answer is 3-fold:

1.) To bring awareness to an institution that is little known and that does a few things well, but a buncha things not so greatly. Incase any friends, parents or girls considering religious life ever read this – I have been and am happy to be available to connect and share more. I’ve been doing this for years offline – just sharing the behind the scenes, so as to remove the idealistic view that this order portrays. People be free to make their own decisions, tho!

2.) For me, there is a release and a letting go that happens when I write and share it out. It’s like the energy of it all is no longer lingering in my body and mind. It’s on the laptop and it’s out in the world. While I’ve had lots of pieces of my transition on my tumblr for years and other #nunlife posts on fb before, for some reason I’m feeling moved to write this way and share now, so here I am!

3.) I think my #conventlife is also like a really good book. You can revisit it at various points in your life and see new things, take in new messages, read the nuances even further. It’s pretty fascinating to me, so I enjoy revisiting, looking at parts from new perspectives, and allowing new lessons and wisdoms to appear for me.

(Below, basketball games and birthday celebrations with some of our very favorite youth and families.) 

In my last post, I shared a lot of what life in Spanish Harlem was like, as a missionary sister, living day to day. Pretty basic nun stuff, even if it was new to readers. Here I’m going to follow-up with some events during my 4 years in San Pablo that I have a love/hate relationship with. I love them because I’m pretty sure without them taking place, I may never have left (and leaving has been all things awesome, so!)….and I hate them because they were truly some of the most difficult, exhausting, dark years of my life on all levels. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it was the Universe going: “Here – you are getting the intensive course on burnout…Imma send you a legit crazy (1 definite, a few mas or menos) and make you literally in charge of everything…for 2+ years. Then, you’ll die, want to leave and get on with your life.” 

I think like any people-pleaser, like anyone who can’t say no, like anyone who knows not their own voice – my story is no different, with the exception that I was wearing a bright blue habit and a veil. The rules were a little more dramatic – to say no, was saying no to God….and quitting was quite literally scandalous….but still, same structure. I think we all have our own levels of what drives us to our utter exhaustion and burnout. For me, it was a mentally ill sister and replacing another who left, with little support in either situation. This is not a complete piece about why I left – as ultimately the motivation was much more interior - but more a list of external events and circumstances that led to my utter collapse on all levels.

How To Get Girls to Leave Religious Life in 3 Easy Steps:

·         Make them Superior. Firstly, being the “superior” of nuns older than you both in religious life and real life just felt uncomfortable. Dealing with the Pastor without having any mission experience was also highly uncomfortable, and it didn’t help that he was the most stoic priest ever and only spoke when necessary. It was annoying and scary at first. (After getting to know him over the years, however, that eased up & I learned he was like a really big-hearted Uncle, who had drank the Stoic Koolaid. It’s cool. I admire him for many things still to this day. He has actually since left the order, but is still a priest!) Being sent to Harlem as superior was like this: “Here, be in charge of all operations in this place you’ve never been to, and be in charge of these people who have been here longer than you.” It was just annoying and stressful!!! That’s what I got for being responsible & docile. Of course, I looked to the sisters who had been there longer for most of my answers in those first years. I knew how to be humble, yo! But still – I really didn’t enjoy being the Superior.. Training was joke – barely a week. It’s “the missionary adventure!” they said. “Trust the Holy Spirit!” they said! “Grace will provide!” they said!  #Koolaid, I say, to help the cray go down easier.

·         Send them a Crazy. My 2nd year there, the Provincial Superior decided to send me a “troubled” sister. Due to my “calm and peaceful nature” she thought I could handle this sister and would be a good superior for her and that I should really try to bond with her, so that she would trust me & get better, etc. This sister was notorious for her emotional outbursts & instability and for having been shipped from convent to convent, because of the trouble she caused....

 Long, long story short-ish – she ended up having Borderline Personality Disorder, which we discovered during her stint in Harlem. (Before I go any further, please know I take mental illness very seriously. If there is any circumstance that made me realize it’s a very serious thing, it would be the one I am describing here. It’s no joke, it’s not her fault, but many versions of BPD do require intense programs to really get anywhere. I learned and read a shit-ton about it all, not to mention lived it on a daily basis in a very intimate way. I am in no way here blaming this sister for her antics, as clearly the #ssvm is to blame for not responsibly providing her the care she clearly needed.) She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist and it was recommended by him (note, a doctor who specialized in treating catholic religious….) that she be put into an intensive treatment program – like a 3-4 day a week program. It was also suggested that she go home to Argentina until she was well, or just for good. Well, the order carried out none of the recommendations of the doctors blaming money constraints and also because “the sick are our chalices” – a brainwashy line in our rulebook to make us think it’s virtuous and saintly to care for every member who is sick in any way, and never send them home. Keeping them with us and taking care of them is like making spiritual bank, basically. So, she stayed in our convent for 2+ years, basically causing unrest on a weekly and, often daily basis. Personally, it was emotionally exhausting for me, as I was the person closest to her & obliged always to care for her (the rest of the sisters basically avoided her and walked on egg-shells around her.) If you know anything about this mental illness, you know that it’s the people closest to them that they manipulate, abuse and have a love/hate relationship with. I think I went to more doctors appointments with her in those 2 years, than ever in my life – every specialist of every kind, there was always something. Basically anything to get my attention. Days when she would cry for hours on end, lock herself in the bathroom, bang her head against the wall, threaten suicide, be totally rebellious….and most of these situations, it was just me and her in the convent. Everyone else was out doing their things in the parish, but I was stuck at home, dealing with her. Despite that though, she found a way to piss off, provoke and drive all my sisters crazy. People with this mental illness are very emotionally savvy and know exactly what to say to provoke and push buttons. The sisters fell for it over and over again, until they finally learned & paid her no mind, which is what she could not stand. Same with me. This is how I learned to not engage. It’s been one of the wisest practices of my life & has saved me a lot of bullshit. The provincial superior, no matter how many things I shared with either of them (there were 2 during my 4 years in Harlem,) never did much to actually help me. It took my spiritual director (priest) to ask the provincial superior to remove this sister from our convent, for my sanity. Did I mention that I was sent with her to Argentina to visit a special doctor?! This was the last straw for me. I ended up cutting my part of the trip short, and flew home alone from Buenos Aires to New York, because she was absolutely nuts and if I stayed any longer, I was going to lose my mind. After that trip is when I asked Father to beg to have her removed from my care and from my convent.  It was emotional and mental manipulation at its best by her, who was ill, and then to feel that my own superiors and order would not remove this situation from not only me, who also had anywhere from 3-5 other sisters to be present to, but would not remove the situation from our house, where it affected the peace and happiness of our convent community.  I am positive it was this situation in particular that really began breaking my circuits. One at a time, the breakers were being flicked off. My brain had less and less mental energy to make decisions. I stopped caring about anything…

·         Add Work, Remove Support. My 3rd year there (still with Sister Borderline), one of our mainstay sisters (the bitchy one) had not gotten laid yet, but had to go back to Argentina to help her mother. She ended up staying there for an entire year and no replacement was sent my way for her. I was asked to take over her parish duties, which was basically a full time job. She was the Director of Religious Education of our huge bilingual program – over 400 students, half on Saturday in Spanish, the rest on Sunday in English. It was a huge beast of a job (like in other parishes, is a regular paid FT job) that I was tasked with, with minimal help. The provincial house sent me 1 sister for a few hours a week to help me, but that was it. This job entailed not only weekend classes, but catechist formation classes (teaching adults how to teach and about the faith) and a ton of reception of the Sacraments, like coordinating hundreds of parents, sponsors and students for Baptisms, 1st Communions and Confirmations with the Bishop and all that insanity. I asked for another full time sister – someone who could really take over and was not given any more help than a few hours a week. Plus, I was still the provincial liturgist, having girls visit our convent, and doing all the things I originally had to do in the parish and as a superior. I was relieved of nothing, just tossed a full time job on top. So, at home I was being driven utterly insane (oh, and of course she was jealous that I was at the parish so much more, so of course she would have bouts of emergency illness, random piercing pains, etc, anything to get me to come back home and check her out, give her attention, make an emergency doctor visit, etc.) and at work, I was overloaded, but expected by Father and the parishoners to keep everything status quo. Not to mention the people of the parish obviously had no idea about the stressor of Sister Borderline and Father knew only minimal information and really didn’t care. He needed shit to get done in his parish and he didn’t care about an angry, whiney, emotional nun in the convent who didn’t work in his parish anyway. Nice set up, huh?

I mean – is it no wonder I left, I don’t like responsibility and I don’t like people?

Is it no wonder I can spot the red flags of people’s bullshit a mile away and be like #talktothehand. Peace.

Is it no wonder I aim to keep my lifestyle simple, free and lighthearted?

Is it no wonder I never want my work or job to become my life?

Is it no wonder that I go crazy when I see people who just don’t say no, and let people or organizations bulldoze over them?

Is it no wonder I never want to be in charge of shit, plan events or do someone else’s work?!

 (Below, amazing youth at my farewell party...I was sent to the mission in Avondale, PA in July 2011 to be a regular sister and take a breather. This breather allowed me to realize and accept it was time for me to go home. Story for another day! Far right is now a NYPD!)

So, like I said at the beginning, it’s a love/hate relationship with these aforementioned circumstances. They totally sucked and at the same time, taught me so many lessons and infused me with loads of insight that I use daily. This is why the children, youth and families of Harlem are my absolute faves – in order to escape the stress and heaviness and utter out-of-controlness of my life, I would just go and hang with them. Laugh with them, eat and play with them. They helped ground me, allowed me to breathe and just always loved on me. And they still do to this day.

How interesting that my own religious family would not support me in these circumstances, and does not see me (or many of us who have left) as family even today? Yet the people of San Pablo always did and still do. I have real friendships with the people I met in Harlem, literally to this day. And when I go back to NY, I visit them. And yet, with the exception of 1 human, no one from the ive or the ssvm would consider me family today. #whoislivingthegospel? #irony

I’m not throwing shade….well, ok, maybe I am, ha! Sometimes, shade’s gotta be thrown, yo! #truth

[rebelsofshield]

I'm in the animated fandom, and I thought TLJ was a pile of garbage. While I loved the creatures, and they are definitely Filoni-esque, I was not satisfied with many of the story decisions in the movie, along with many of the 'jokes' in it. Everyone's going to tell me that "Luke wasn't the same guy he was when he was young" but I can't imagine Luke entertaining the idea of killing his nephew. I didn't like the "Reylo" stuff, or the fact Kylo chooses to become a one dimensional evil tyrant. (tbc)

I’m going to consolidate both into a single post so I can respond to them all at once:

I hated that Hux was reduced to comic relief even though he was a threatening, cunning villain in TFA and in the books. I was so excited about Finn’s arc, and Rose, but that ended up feeling pointless and with no payoff. Rose really came off as boring, they should’ve tied her into the story more than her just being Finn’s sidekick. Oh, and Snoke was pointless. I don’t care if he gets a book or whatever in the future, it still felt like a waste in the film. Also the movie draaaagged. Just a mess.            

First off, I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy the movie. I don’t think it was perfect, but I think The Last Jedi is a genuinely good film that does a lot really well. I’m going to respond to your individual critiques, but I want to stress that I don’t want you to feel that I am attempting to criticize you or change your mind about the movie. If you didn’t enjoy it, that’s totally fine. I can’t change that about you and you’re unlikely to change my opinion of it. Regardless, here are my thoughts.I’ll address the small stuff first.I never really cared for Snoke. Snoke was always a character that was more interesting in terms of what he was rather than who he was. He’s a big scary evil man that tempted Ben Solo into being Kylo Ren, but he doesn’t really serve much else of a narrative function in both The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi outside of this. I think fan’s latched onto him as a concept and started theorizing about him because JJ crafted him as a deliberately vague character. At the end of the day he is an uber powerful Dark Sider that is not very different from the dozens of ones we have seen in the past both in canon (film, comics, television, novels) or the Legends continuity. Kylo Ren as an extension is a newer form of villain and, in my opinion, significantly more interesting. I really enjoyed how The Last Jedi doubled down on Kylo’s varying aspects of instability both in his volatile emotions but also in his unpredictability. He’s a tortured man who is haunted by a legacy more powerful than he is. That’s a more interesting villain to me than another Force Big Bad who seems to demand some complicated origin story. Snoke’s death also doesn’t prevent him from being discussed in future movies. Kylo could just as easily have a line of “An ancient Dark Side prophet from the outer rim discovered me as a child and crafted me into his apprentice,” or something along those lines and it would cover the majority of the needed background.I also never really got the impression that Hux was really anything but a sniveling “Yes, Man.” His biggest moment in The Force Awakens is when he cries delivering a speech regarding the destruction of a Republic government. I also am pretty caught up on the novels and comics and if I remember correctly, he really isn’t featured much. In general, I enjoy the sort of allegory of the First Order being a well-funded fascist organization that is more or less lead by impetuous man-children (Hux, Kylo Ren)  and opportunists (Phasma) who are more concerned with the legacy of a past dictatorial government than in any actual real world politics. Sounds a little familiar right?

The Finn and Rose stuff I do have to agree with you on. I didn’t dislike Rose as a character, but she really failed to make much of an impression on me after my first viewing. I did like Kelly Marie Tran’s performance though and am open to seeing more of the character.

Finn was a disappointment and I totally get why if he was your favorite character in The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi would have been a let down. Personally, I left The Force Awakens with Finn being one of my favorites in the ensemble in that film due to his complicated narrative arc and John Boyega’s incredible energy and charisma. While this remains here, it doesn’t help matters that the narrative Rian Johnson crafts for Finn and Rose just feels like a distraction from the two other narratives occurring which are more emotional involving and more exciting as a narrative. When both characters are playing off the Resistance I think it works rather well, but their sojourn to Canto Bight is by far the film’s low point. That being said, I really dig the fight scene between Finn and Captain Phasma or most of their narrative on the Supremacy.On a surface level, I do understand the frustration with Luke’s portrayal. However, I honestly think it’s my favorite narrative arc for the movie both for who it means for Luke as a character and for the larger meta-narrative of the sequel trilogy. The Last Jedi continues an appropriate reality set up by The Force Awakens where Luke Skywalker is a legend and something approaching a mythological figure: the last of an ancient order of a magical beings that stood at the forefront or a movement that defeated a galaxy-wide totalitarian government. It works because it makes sense in-universe and in our own world because that’s what Luke Skywalker has become for us as viewers. Just as Darth Vader is a paragon of evil, Luke is that light hearted spirit of adventure that ages into adulthood that made the original trilogy so special. He has ceased to become just a person but a larger than life figure, even one that may have something akin to biblical or mythological importance.

However, Luke has always been defined by a push and pull to the Dark Side, even in his redemption for his father there are moments where he hesitates. When he goes to see Ben Solo in his tent it isn’t to kill him but to confront him, but in that moment he is tempted as many Jedi are. He knows that Ben Solo has the ability in him to cause great pain and suffering and to plunge the galaxy into war and further genocide and instability. One of Luke’s defining personality traits has also always been his eagerness and impatience. It’s what Yoda had the biggest difficulty in training him to do. He even has to beg him not to rush off to attack Vader in The Empire Strikes Back before he is better trained because he fears what a conflict such as this would do to him. He is tempted by the Dark Side because of its relative ease and here killing Ben Solo is the quick act that is easiest to solving what he sees as a potential disaster. It’s important here that Luke checks himself though. He feels the pull to the Dark and pulls it back because he realizes that what he is doing is fundamentally wrong. If Luke had gone through with this and tried to actually murder his nephew, than yes, I would be on your side regarding the a potential assassination of Luke’s character, but having that temptation there is important to both him as a character and of the Saga. You can argue that it is maybe a tad too convenient that Ben would wake up to see this and I would be inclined to agree, but hey that’s how stories work.From here I think is where we get into the really meaty stuff with how Johnson and Mark Hamill have characterized Luke here. Luke realizes in this moment that he has failed dramatically. Not only did he let down his nephew, but his sister, his brother-in-law and best friend, and perhaps most damningly this perception that he is some infallible legendary figure. It’s a crushing moment and one that does realistically stick with him for years. What The Last Jedi does that’s really beautiful with Luke’s character is stress just how important these emotional and symbolic heroes can be to those who need them. This is a narrative of Luke coming to understand that he is greater than his failings, but also that the galaxy at large needs heroes like him and that he can still do a great thing for the world and galaxy at larger. So he saves his sister. He saves Rey. He confronts Kylo and he inspires a galaxy. This is what the shot of the little boy at the end of The Last Jedi is meant to symbolize. He’s a young Force sensitive child who carries on through slavery and oppression because of the inspirational symbol of rebellion and of heroes such as Luke. It’s here that The Last Jedi realligns what we know of Luke with what we have come to expect of him. In times like the one’s we are living in now, heroes matter and coming to respond to that and accept that is really beautiful and one of my favorite parts of the film.

[parniarazi]

So...2020 has been interesting so far, right? Although I’ve been wanting to transition from sharing content on this blog to creating my own podcast/vlog in 2020, that’s something that I want to be put more time into thoughtfully creating since it’s new territory to me. Having this moment in time to breathe, spend some time at home, and really feel back into myself and my creative side has led me to wanting to still post on this platform. Just some patterns I’ve noticed lately, feelings the current state of the world has brought up, and lessons the universe has sent my way - maybe you’ll relate, take away something valuable, or at least have a little food for thought.

This year started off in a whirlwind with the tr*mp adminstration coming at my home country of Iran- for most people this is an old headline or moment in the news that is long past- but for Iranian Americans that’s a moment we haven’t forgotten. Being scared for the livelihood of our home country and family members who live there is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and seeing the following protests and both social/economic unrest just hurt my heart. The U.S. creates so much instability and pain in other countries and people here just forget about it and move on the next day, politics as usual. They don’t see the lives and people behind the headlines who are actually impacting by inflation and instability in their country - people who are just trying to feed their kids and live a normal life like the rest of us. These issues run deep, but this has weighed on my consciousness and stayed with me since then.

In February, I was reminded of the people who love me and are there for me on a daily basis. I had a lovely 4th year celebrating Valentines with my man, and my parents also showered me with love despite our distance now. I’m glad I’ve struck a good balance with my family - being close and seeing each other often but still having the necessary distance to grow up and make my own decisons wirhout their overbearing influence. I also got to visit my favorite city, spending some time in Austin again and see my favorite cousin/long distance bestie when she came to visit! School and work are overwhelming at times, but I’m more adjusted and handling my anxiety better. This semester seems near-impossible to handle with 2 internships, 2 graduate courses in a new field for me, and 1 job that I don’t particularly like. But it’s life and I gotta push through it!

Miraculously, things start to align after a pretty shitty mercury retrograde season in which I wrecked my car and dealt with a lot of financial stress. Time seems to be moving faster and I’m just trying to get through my days. I’m noticing this pattern of reconnecting with people from my past - from my old to best friend and neighbor from Kansas, to old internet friends and coworkers, there seems to a pattern of rekindling old connections and friendships. It’s really beautiful and I think a natural part of growing up, because it allows us to see what things change or don’t change over time, the poeple we’re still able to connect with, and who’s really meant to be in our life for the long run. It’s an odd feeling to connect with people from the past, but it makes me feel warm and nostalgic (and old, haha). I’m embracing it with a fully open heart, and I know the universe is sending people, old and new, into my life for a reason and it’s all part of my path.

Then this whole crazy cornavrius and public health pandemic start to get serious. Pavel and I are worried as it starts to rapidly spread and becomes the only topic the news is covering. Houston is a particularly dangerous spot, and we soon have to cancel some concerts we’ve had tickets to for months and our festival trip for our 4th year at Buku. I have asthma and Pavel has CF, so we are both at-risk for serious health complications if we come in contact with this virus since due to our pre-existing conditions.

At first, it’s just dealing with a lot of cancelled plans and upcoming trips - which end up being a blessing in disguise for those financial worries I mentioned. However, it becomes increasingly apparent that this public health pandemic is not affecting everyone equally. There are people who are losing their jobs because of the economic impact of this global issue, my dad even expresses concern over his job and company as the oil and chemical industry takes a hard hit. This breaks my heart because he’s been through a lay-off and recession before and it was hard on our family. He doesn’t deserve this stress or to have to go through that again. There are people much worse off though, people who work hourly and can’t make a living due to more and more businesses closing and events post-poning or cancelling.

The world is actually a mess - schools are cancelling, grocery stores are empty, and people are struggling to take care of their kids and find adequate healthcare if they are sick. Everything is political and how these situations are handled directly affects everyone, but of course those at the bottom take the hardest hits as always. I’m struggling to make sense of everything, as many others are too. To me, the weaknesses of our democracy are glaringly clear at a time like this, and being old enough to truly understand it from an economic standpoint too makes it even worse. Individualism is at its peak, as people hoard resources and allow panic and ignorance to take over. Lives are being entirely uprooted and changed, people are feeling serious and immediate effects of this scary time. Little to no support is offered to those most vulnerable - those with disabilities who can’t take care of themselves, elderly people, poor people without access to computers/internet or the money to bulk-buy food and necessities.

Yet people in this country are still afraid and think it’s too radical to elect a ‘socialist’ leader? The way other countries have taken care of people, provided food and resources, while middle-class Americans hoard toilet paper...I wish people had the capacity to understand what this reaction/situation is revealing about us. It says a lot about the disconnect between the American mentality and the actual reality of collective conciousness with the world/humanity.

There is a lot to be said and unpacked about this situation - politically, economically, and socially. But above all I can’t stop thinking about what the universe is telling us right now. Despite the luxuries we have and what life in this ‘first world’ country looks like - we are still human and susceptible to the same things that harm people on the other side of the world. We are not exceptional or special - we are just like anyone else, we are human, and anything that is a threat to humanity is a threat to us. Having modern luxuries doesn’t make us better than the rest of the world, it’s our humanity that connects us there is a larger ecosystem that governs us above any government that we need to respect. Disrespecting the earth, other countries, and other people will always come back to us.

With businesses being closed and global tourism coming to a halt, it’s fascinating to see the earth healing - from Italy’s waterways clearing up to America’s cities having clearer air than ever - capitalism truly proves to be the real epidemic to the earth. When the earth suffers and when we act like none of the pain and bad energy in the world will affect us, the universe reminds us we’re just human and we don’t have control over everything. In fact, we have less control over our lives than we even think if an invisible pathogen can uproot our entire everyday life. Lastly, we’re reminded of the importance of technology as something we’re seriously leaning into at a time like this. To keep us connected, keep us productive, and keep us informed, our technology is proving to more valuable than ever and it’s something that will grow as the peope socially distance but virtually come together.

The universe really needed to check us - for me this is such an important and necessary time for people to slow down, reflect, and think about what really matters. Our collective humanity. We have more in common than we do differences, and it’s literally impossible for one person or country to be better than another because we are all human and have the same fundamental needs of food, shelter, and healthcare. Any country that doesn’t provide those basic needs for their people can hardly be considered ‘first world.’ When billionaires retreat to their well-stocked and isolated homes, while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills and put food on the table - what does that say about us? Are we willing to accept and live in a world like this? Does any person really deserve healthcare more than another simply because of their economic status? To me, these things are what’s truly terrifying, not the virus itself but the scary truths it reveals about our society.

Personally, like I said I feel like I’m feeling these things on a deeper level now that I’ve moved out and am more aware of what it means to earn a living and the costs of life. I’m in an extremely privileged position, but I’m using that really consider how this affects different people and what it can teach me for the rest of my life.

1. Saving money is everything. You can work your entire life away and your company will lay you off no matter what you’ve done for them, and if you’re old and in need your government will say ‘sorry buddy good luck!’ Individualism kills, but that’s why getting your money right and having emergency savings is more important than anything else! This has taught me to prioritize having some seriously hefty savings before I book another trip or buy something I don’t actually need. My parents often tell me to not “spend like an American,” buying things I don’t need or simply want but don’t actually have the money for. I used to roll my eyes at this, but actually understanding the economic hardships they’ve lived through and the experiences that shape their views helps me realize the truth behind it. The American middle class is the biggest trap ever and can make you feel secure when you’re actually not unless you seriously save money and have it in multiple places. Capitalism perpeutes an endless cycle of desire and making you feel like you always need more, but when it all goes to shit, what will you have and be left with?

2. We need to slow down and tap into our collective conciousness more than ever. Maybe actually think about what other people are going through rather than centering yourself all the time. Other people exist and matter as much as you do, and your actions affect things and have a chain reaction. Not just right now, but always. Anything that affects another human being or harms someone else affects you, too because we’re all connected more than we realize. Energetically and literally! Humanity is an ecosystem, and when one part is hurting or damaged, it will eventually affect everything. The world is more connected than ever and we have to realize this, no matter how much media/politics tries to pit groups against each other and create divisions, we are all literally the same. And everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are and what resources they do or don’t have. We are all more interconnected and we need each other. People cannot continue acting selfishly and greedily the way they have been - our lives depend on the actions of other people and we need each other. We should really start acting like it.

3. The world literally cannot go on if we keep consuming and producing things the way we are. After this event, more poeple will work and go to school remotely, which is great because it results in less traffic, less pollution, and it’s better for many people with mental health issues or disabilities! But there are still serious considerations we have to make about what it means that the earth is finally getting a chance to breathe since we’re large businesses are shutting down. When it comes to travel, tourism, and economics, climate change is literally at the center of all of those issues. This is a manifestation of the earth having enough of our shit to be honest, and I wish more conversations were happening about that right now. The earth is a part of us and we are a part of it, and when it’s hurting that will catch up to us and hurt us back.

I suppose that’s all I have for now, but like I said there is so much to unpack but many useful conversations to be had around this current issue as we’re starting to see it’s effects on our world. I know that personally I’m at a huge privilege to be safe, healthy, have shelter and food, and be with someone I love right now. I hope by sharing this, I’ll spark some thoughts or simply have them to refer back to in the future when this is all behind us. The situation may pass eventually, but we shouldn’t forget what it’s desperately calling on us to shift our attention to. I’m honestly loving this extra down time, that we unfortunately don’t get enough, to simply be human and enjoy the company of our loved ones, sleeping in, having more time for our hobbies, or even doing nothing, as it’s necessary for humans to do sometimes! I hope this results in a shift in our collective conciousness that is desperately needed, but for me it’s affirming a lot of important things I already knew but needed to bring to the forefront of my mind. It’s easy to get overwhelmed right now and there’s a lot of change to adjust to, but the lessons the universe is sending us are invaluable right now and it’s imperative for people to think for themselves and think really critically about what’s happening, both for others and ourselves.

[junker-town]

Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen has built ... a steady program? In Mississippi? Is that legal?

While Ole Miss’ uncertainties continue, MSU’s in solid shape for at least the next two years.

Allyn McKeen led Mississippi State to three straight top-20 finishes in the 1940s and was building something spectacular when World War II broke out. He maintained a high level, but he only lasted nine years in Starkville before he retired.

Bob Tyler pulled off two nine-win seasons at MSU in the 1970s, a time when college football’s elites were at their most dominant. His program also got put on NCAA probation and had to vacate quite a few of his wins. He only made it six years.

Jackie Sherrill lasted 13 years. His MSU finished ranked four times and won the 1998 SEC West crown. He finished with a losing record six times, however, ending with an 8-27 run from 2001-03. His tenure ended under an NCAA investigation cloud, but no major violations were found.

Mullen is entering his ninth season. He has suffered two losing seasons, but neither was worse than 5-7, and he’s taken the Bulldogs to seven straight bowls. He has two of MSU’s five top-15 finishes.

At what point do we start viewing Mullen as MSU’s best-ever coach?

He’s not there yet. McKeen set the bar awfully high. Using estimated S&P+ ratings, he produced five of MSU’s 17 best teams; Mullen has produced just three. So Mullen needs at least a couple more excellent years to have a claim.

None of this was likely. The only piece of the Mullen hire that seemed SEC-like was the fact that he was an Urban Meyer protege in a conference that loves to imitate its winners.

Mullen went to high school in New Hampshire and college in Pennsylvania. He connected with mentor Meyer as a graduate assistant at Notre Dame, and all of his early experience had come well above the Mason-Dixon Line. He is seemingly tied to job openings every offseason, both because of what people assume to be better geographic fits and because he has a good agent.

Still, here this Yankee remains, deep in small-town Mississippi, somehow stable in maybe the least stable area of the least stable football conference. And thanks to a certain rival’s increasing instability, he could be in even better shape.

Of course, this might be presumptuous. Before Mullen can pursue McKeen, he needs to pursue pre-2016 Mullen. MSU struggled through an off year last fall after three straight top-20-caliber performances.

In terms of the S&P+ adjusted scoring averages, the offense regressed by four to five points per game, the defense sank by nearly six, and even special teams fell by two. MSU kept its bowl streak alive by only a technicality — the Bulldogs went 5-7 but got in via solid APR score — and barely beat a sketchy Miami (Ohio) in the St. Petersburg Bowl.

The offensive regression was easy enough to explain. MSU had to replace Dak Prescott, the best QB in school history and the best offensive rookie in the NFL in 2016; Nick Fitzgerald was decent in the passing game and incredible on the ground, but after finishing 16th or better in Off. S&P+ in back-to-back years, there was nowhere to go but down. With Fitzgerald, running back Aeris Williams, and five of last year’s top six targets back, the odds of a rebound are high.

The defense, however, is suddenly a concern. Coordinator Peter Sirmon took over a pretty experienced unit from Manny Diaz and struggled; MSU dealt with a few injury issues, but that doesn’t explain a plummet from 38th to 73rd in Def. S&P+.

This year’s squad is projected to bounce back to a top-30 level, and if former Louisville coordinator Grantham — MSU and Louisville basically traded DCs, as SIrmon’s at UL — is able to approach the top-20 level of defense that he had going for the Cardinals, Mullen could have his fourth truly strong MSU team. If not, things should be in place by 2018.

Of course, this is the SEC West, where a top-30 projection only makes you the favorite in six of 12 games. The Bulldogs play five projected top-20 teams, plus four more in the No. 26-46 range. And for good measure, they play on the road against a speedy, challenging Louisiana Tech.

Still, amid Ole Miss’ perpetual state of chaos, Mullen has turned MSU into one of the conference’s most stable entities. He’s the best post-war MSU hire, anyway.

2016 in review

2016 MSU statistical profile.

It’s been a trend in nearly every SEC preview I’ve written so far: Team A’s offense started slowly but picked up steam just in time to see its defense get torched.

There’s sometimes a relationship between offensive improvement and a defense relaxing, but in this case I’m starting conclude it was more just that seemingly every team in the league had a new QB who found his rhythm. That was certainly the case for Fitzgerald and company.

First 6 games (2-4): Avg. percentile performance: 59% (55% offense, 56% defense) | Avg. yards per play: MSU 5.6, Opp 5.1 | Avg. score: Opp 27, MSU 25

Next 6 games (3-3): Avg. percentile performance: 59% (71% offense, 32% defense) | Avg. yards per play: Opp 7.2, MSU 6.6 | Avg. score: Opp 40, MSU 38

MSU’s overall percentile averages didn’t change all that much as the year progressed, but the makeup of the games changed. In September, MSU lost games while allowing just 21 and 23 points; in October and November, they lost games while scoring 38 and 42.

In theory, if the Grantham hire works out, you could get the offense from the second half of last season combined with the defense of the first. But the Bulldogs have questions in the trenches, and the answers will dictate whether they’re looking more at 5-7 or 9-3.

Offense

Full advanced stats glossary.

Credit where it’s due: the combination of Mullen (Meyer’s former offensive coordinator) and co-coordinators John Hevesy and Billy Gonzales has been a smashing success. This arrangement was set in 2014, and since then the Bulldogs have ranked eighth, 16th, and 31st in Off. S&P+. After losing a fantastic, ball-dominant quarterback in Prescott, they needed about a month to get rolling again last fall.

The fact that they had one of the most unconventional, awesome QBs in the country doesn’t hurt.

Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Nick Fitzgerald

Fitzgerald is a lanky-looking 6’5 and 230 pounds. He’s shaped like a pocket passer prototype. In fact, he was the opposite. He completed just 54 percent of his passes while averaging an astounding eight yards per non-sack carry last year.

It was like opponents could never grasp how good Fitzgerald was at running. About 15 times per game, not including sacks, he would tuck and run. Those 15 carries would gain about 120 yards. One in 9.4 carries would go for a touchdown.

Fitzgerald’s first season as a starter began with a crushing false start. In the season opener against South Alabama, he went 0-for-3 passing with two three-and-outs on his first two drives, and frankly, Mullen panicked, lifting him in favor of Damian Williams. The Bulldogs were upset, 21-20.

Credit the coaching staff for sticking with Fitzgerald after that, though. He dealt with some ups and downs — good against South Carolina, bad against BYU, etc. — but after a loss at Kentucky in mid-October, the game slowed down for him. And for the most part, only Alabama slowed him down after that.

Fitzgerald’s passing, first 7 games (record: 2-5): 56% completion rate, 10.4 yards per completion, 115.2 passer rating

Fitzgerald’s passing, next 5 games (record: 3-2): 53% completion rate, 15.3 yards per completion, 141.0 passer rating

Take the debacle against Alabama out of the equation, and in the other four regular season games at the end of the year, Fitzgerald completed 59 percent of his passes with a 163.7 rating. That’s a positive trend.

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Donald Gray

Fitzgerald’s supporting cast will look familiar. Running back Aeris Williams is back, and he’s important. He basically performs the role of the fullback in a triple-option attack — if defenses have to fear him between the tackles, that will open up room for the QB on the outside.

Williams brought no explosiveness whatsoever, but he gained at least five yards on 45 percent of his carries. That’s all Fitzgerald needs.

Slot receiver Fred Ross is gone from the receiving corps, but that’s basically it. Donald Gray was a home run threat as a No. 2, and that will probably translate well as a No. 1. Plus, junior bowling ball Malik Dear (5’9, 224 pounds) is a lovely possession receiver, and sophomores Keith Mixon and tight end Farrod Green could grow into nice possession roles.

If another youngster emerges — the most likely candidates are either 6’4 sophomore Jamal Couch (eight catches for 113 yards last year) or four-star redshirt freshman Reginald Todd — then this passing game could absolutely sustain last year’s gains.

An awesome line does have to replace three starters, which is a bit scary. But the offense itself could compensate; Fitzgerald and Williams are big guys who can fall forward and generate an extra yard or two (therefore helping the blocking out), and Fitzgerald throws a lot of quick passes, which aids the pass blocking. It’s conceivable the blocking is equal to last year’s.

Really, then, the biggest threat to this offense is a what-if — as in, what if Fitzgerald gets hurt? The only other scholarship QB is true freshman Keytaon Thompson, and while Thompson was a four-star recruit, a) he’s still a freshman, and b) what happens if he gets hurt? This can be a pretty punishing offense for a QB, and just how punishing it is will be huge.

Defense

Based on nothing more than recent track record, Mullen definitely got the better of the coordinator trade with Louisville. Sirmon is regarded as a hell of a recruiter, and he could grow into the role, but his lone season as MSU DC left a lot to be desired.

Grantham has been a college coordinator for seven years — four at Georgia, three at Louisville — and has had only one defense rank outside of the Def. S&P+. (His first UGA defense ranked 44th.) With Bobby Petrino’s Cardinals, he crafted an attacking 3-4 that stuffed the run and took some chances against the pass.

We’ll see how long it takes to create the same identity in Starkville. His first MSU front seven will be pretty green. The line has to replace five of last year’s top eight, while two of the top four linebackers are gone.

Of course, if you focus on who’s here instead of who’s not, you start to see a pretty high ceiling. And by 2018, that ceiling should be even higher.

Blue-chip sophomores Jeffery Simmons (nose tackle) and Leo Lewis (linebacker and Twitter master) should serve as solid anchors for the next couple of years, and another sophomore, Marquiss Spencer, showed attacking potential in reserve minutes. Spencer could end up at either DE or OLB in this system, but either way, he and senior linebacker J.T. Gray will be a nice havoc duo.

Recent recruiting should plump up the two-deep. Mullen signed three JUCO linemen and a JUCO linebacker, and there are some four-star recent signees beyond Simmons, Lewis, and Spencer in the pipeline as well: sophomore end Fletcher Adams, redshirt freshman tackle Kobe Jones, and freshman linebacker Willie Gay, to name three. It might take a year for this unit to grow into itself, but when it does, look out.

Joshua Lindsey-USA TODAY Sports

J.T. Gray (45)

The secondary might be able to pick up the slack if there are occasional breakdowns. MSU was a major disappointment in pass defense last year, plummeting from 43rd to 104th in Passing S&P+. The pass rush didn’t help enough, nor did an injury to 2015 starter Tolando Cleveland (plus a couple of in-season knocks). Still, that was quite a fall.

With the return of juniors Brandon Bryant and Mark McLaurin, I feel mostly okay about the safety unit, but cornerback is a mystery. Cleveland’s back, but last year’s top two (Cedric Jiles and Jamoral Graham) are not, and leading returnees Lashard Durr and Chris Rayford didn’t do much with their playing time opportunities.

If junior Jamal Peters suddenly begins to look like the blue-chipper he was supposed to be, that will tamp down a lot of concerns. Otherwise, here comes the JUCO brigade; Mullen signed three JUCO DBs, meaning he brought in seven transfers on defense. That belies some concern that JUCO transfers only sometimes alleviate.

Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Mark McLaurin

Special Teams

Bad news: MSU’s special teams unit was mostly awful. The Bulldogs ranked 117th in field goal efficiency, 87th in punt efficiency, and 71st in kickoff efficiency. The result was a No. 104 ranking in Special Teams S&P+.

Good news: the return game was pretty good.

Bad news: the return men (Fred Ross, Brandon Holloway) are gone.

Good news: part of the reason for the awful leg work was an injury to punter Logan Cooke. Cooke’s backup (Kody Schexnayder) averaged 3.1 fewer yards per punt, and his backup on kickoffs (Brad Wall) had a touchback rate 25 percentage points worse. With Cooke in there, an at least mediocre special teams rating is possible.

2017 outlook

2017 Schedule & Projection Factors

Date Opponent Proj. S&P+ Rk Proj. Margin Win Probability 2-Sep Charleston Southern NR 25.7 93% 9-Sep at Louisiana Tech 82 11.5 75% 16-Sep LSU 4 -12.2 24% 23-Sep at Georgia 20 -7.2 34% 30-Sep at Auburn 9 -13.8 21% 14-Oct BYU 46 6.3 64% 21-Oct Kentucky 41 5.2 62% 28-Oct at Texas A&M 19 -7.3 34% 4-Nov Massachusetts 111 23.0 91% 11-Nov Alabama 1 -22.9 9% 18-Nov at Arkansas 32 -2.5 44% 23-Nov Ole Miss 26 0.3 51%

Projected S&P+ Rk 30 Proj. Off. / Def. Rk 15 / 65 Projected wins 6.0 Five-Year S&P+ Rk 11.4 (21) 2- and 5-Year Recruiting Rk 31 / 25 2016 TO Margin / Adj. TO Margin* 7 / -4.5 2016 TO Luck/Game +4.4 Returning Production (Off. / Def.) 65% (72%, 59%) 2016 Second-order wins (difference) 6.6 (-0.6)

It’s hard not to notice something when going unit to unit on the Mississippi State depth chart. Here’s basically the entire list of key senior contributors: Gray and Myles at receiver, Martinas Rankin at center, Gray at linebacker, and Cleveland and Durr at cornerback.

That’s it. Fitzgerald is a junior who would be draft eligible, in case he happened to have a dynamite passing year, but Fitzgerald, Williams, and nearly everybody else are scheduled to return in 2018 for what could be Mullen’s next truly awesome team.

This year’s should be pretty good, though. It’ll have to be. S&P+ projects MSU 30th and 6-6, with three likely wins (Charleston Southern, at Louisiana Tech, UMass), three likely losses (LSU, at Auburn, Alabama), and six games with win probability between 34 and 64 percent.

So basically, this season will be defined by how quickly Grantham can find a rhythm with this defense. The offense will be there, but if the Bulldogs rediscover a top-40 level or better on D, they could win four or five of those relative tossups. If Grantham requires a breaking-in year, maybe they lose four or five. The main goal will be to get all the arrows pointed in the same direction for 2018.

Team preview stats

All power conference preview data to date.