#and if they dont go ill have no fucking privacy on the call. which just makes it completely fucking pointless

[toastsnaffler]

will my mum just drop this fucking hell

[n0phalt]

just waffling about my day im being personal ignore me

dear diary (kinda public online space that 21 people have made the unfortunate choice of following but its not a direct person so interacting and being vulnerable does not activate my Instant Dissociation Response) today is a day . i am going to have a challenging conversation i fell asleep thinking about but im slowly figuring my life out :) minor inconveniences keep happening in adjusting to. honestly yeah it is a move. Adjusting To The Move . like i havent had sheets at all, just an old blanket and a mattress. and have run the dryer 6 times on my own blankets and it finally dried but my brothers friend was over so she got them instead so i have to restart the cycle. and none of the foods im used to are here. and i dont have as much privacy even tho it was minimal before (actually. lie. im less alone but i have more private spaces which means a lot more) and i miss my susan and scooby. and the first few days fucked up my carefully cultivated sleep schedule bc alarms went off from 3:30-5:30 and nobody else wakes up to them. but my grandpa may be coming home from the hospital this weekend! and i Feel like i cant draw anymore and i lost that part of myself but i think if i keep trying ill find it. and today if i can schedule it around visiting my grandpa and doing copious amounts of laundry . i will be able to call with a few of my friends and play games ive been excited for all week :-) i am happy this morning i think

[moxfirefly]

B D J O V for Donnie, Karl and Alcina? (yes I am in love, no I dont have regrets uwu)

My 3 loves? Well why not! And pls enjoy the ficlet styles I’m going to opt for when doing dirty secrets! This is a little long so is going under the cut.

🩸🍷Alcina Dimitrescu🩸🍷

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and on the other)

A bit of an odd one here but she loves backs, like your actual back. The line of your spine, if you have those back dimples, ufff. She loves the shape of it if you’re on the more curvier side, she loves the skin, and your rolls, and any stretch marks. Just picture that elegant hand of hers ghosting over your back, nails maybe even claws.

On herself, well Alcina is aware of her assets and she’s very aware of her chest, both she’s quite proud of but she’s really proud of her figure over all.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

There was a pretty seamstress in the village who always was brought up to the castle to help with her dresses. She was a pretty thing in Alcina’s eyes, very much her type. When your making or fixing or measuring a tailor made outfit for a 9ft+ woman well it gets tricky and a little more handsy than usual. Alcina didn’t mind, the seamstress didn’t either. It was interesting following simple commands even if they were asked upon her with nothing but grace and poise.

So as Alcina sat for the 40th time to have something around her neck marked to be fixed, she had to stand between her legs to best approach and see the mistake. Only sitting did she have the best chance at seeing her at a more eye to eye level (well as best as it could be).

She isn’t dumb, she knows curiosity, want and lust like the back of her hand. Sees the nervous swallow of the seamstress whenever hands glide across her chest. The whispered ‘pardon my lady’ when she rests a palm on Alcina’s throat and takes a needle to the neckline with all the gentleness she can muster. Of course it’s the moment to prick her finger, the quiet hiss and scent is enough to alert Alcina and without waiting for her to fuss she takes that bleeding digit and kisses it, tastes the bead of blood, all while looking straight at her. When she still sees lust there, oh does she pull her closer.

One of her maids walks in about twenty minutes later, an array of materials in her arms so she doesn’t quite catch how the Lady of the castle smooths her dress and tries not to laugh, chest heaving a little and legs closing a tad. The maid greets her with her usual honorifics before leaving the requested materials, she notices the seamstress isn’t there and arches a brow at the room. “Lavatory” is all Alcina says before the maid makes a question. She nods but feels something isn’t right with the current picture but still leaves.

Once gone.

The seamstress crawls out from under Alcina’s skirt, mouth shiny, hair disheveled and nice set of teeth marks at her bosom.

It becomes a frequent thing after that.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

It’s not to say she needs to because she sincerely feels she has anybody at her beck and call who is willing ready and able. But on the rare occasion she indulges in some self care, it’s mostly in her luxurious tub. Feeling the warm water, her hair clean and smelling of that weeks chosen fragrance, well it gets her thinking and thinking leads desiring and if there isn’t anybody she’ll handle it. Slow, she loves drawing out her own pleasure, loves to feel that rise but stops before it’s too close. She’ll do that, edge herself a little bit more before biting down on her lip to muffle a more particular louder cry.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Both. She lives for giving it and she loves to receive it. She is just, wow, so incredibly good at it, she’s goes about it in such erotic and passionate way and if you’re not looking like you are being possessed by the devil then she up’s her game to make sure that happens. You can squeeze her head with your thighs all you want, she’s built different lol she can handle it. Don’t yank to much on her hair though, claw at her all you want but easy on the do.

She’s had a few inexperienced lovers which she has to guide when they want to go down on her. She’s very particular of what and how she likes it, but she’s patient enough to teach you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

I’ll do you one better, https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRSKhUoh/

⚙️Heisenberg⚙️

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and on the other)

https://hagelpaimon.tumblr.com/post/661063110466158592/i-wonder-wonder-who-ill-pick-hesi-baby-a

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) shout out to @imthegreenfairy88 for helping me out with this one.

The first few times he indulged in this he was very adamant in keeping it to himself and to himself only (with time and reassurance he chills out) but the first time he tried doing ‘back door’ stuff on himself he was very surprised about how good it fucking felt and every so often he indulged in it. There’s an occasion where he ends up in bed with some tourist, gun to his head he doesn’t remember their name but he sure fucking remember the blow job and fingering combo that they gave him that had him seeing fucking stars. He tensed up at first was about to say something but they crooked their fingers just right and swallowed his cock at the same time and words were out the window along with thoughts.

He was so far gone that it didn’t cross his mind that when he begged for another finger, he gave himself away and if their eyes weren’t indication of how delighted they had been, feeling two more additional fingers really proved the point.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

I mean I’m saying yea, he has to get creative with it sometimes so as to not get bored, but he picks up a few things he enjoys (he is creative after all) he’s definitely ruined his fair share of pillows, loves rutting into them. He has beat off probably in any section of the factory but shower is better for clean up. He for sure has done it outside of the factory, probably relaxing on a chair and if the weather is nice enough, it’s not like anybody is gonna suddenly drop by. He likes a tight closed fist when he’s close but enjoys a teasing touch to start things off, really enjoys grabbing his balls when he does it. Very messy messy boy when he cums.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

This man blows you like his life depends on it. VERY sloppy but it’s really hot, it’s how eager he is about it and how willing he is to suffocate and or choke on it. He’s told you to sit on his face multiple times at multiple moments of the day. He loves the taste of you, loves feeling suffocated by your thighs. You know what they about big noses too 🥴🥴

As for receiving he likes to dish out what he takes. So expect some rough mouth fucking, he will make you gag, he will make you all teary eyed cause he enjoys it. He’s fine with it without to be honest, he much prefers to be balls deep in you but if you enjoy doing it then expect hip thrusting.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Not super loud, but he isn’t mute. He groans and moans but he’s also a talker so expect a lot dirty talk. His voice drops in a way when he’s fucking you that it makes your toes curl. He’s all breathy pants when he’s close. Lots and lots of cuss words.

👾Donnie💜

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and on the other)

https://hagelpaimon.tumblr.com/post/661063462078889985/b-body-part-their-favourite-body-part-of-theirs

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He likes the taste of his own cum.

He denies it, really denies it, just says it’s his way of cleaning you up after a nice romp but he really has a way of proving the opposite. Donnie has ‘finished’ on you in every way shape or form. On your stomach, back, face etc you name and each time he has cleaned you up he’s either wiped it up and sucked on his fingers or he’s just full blown licked it off of you.

And there is something so disgustingly erotic about that you haven’t or don’t want to call him out on it. You’ve gone down on his multiple times and he very eager to kiss you after your done. One time you purposefully left some on your chin and lips to see if he’d clean it up first but nah, kissed the heck out of you. His favorite is cumin in you and then going down on you. The first time he did that, it was enough to make your toes curl till they cracked and just as you were about to say something he was yanking another orgasm from you. The combined taste of his and yours release? Fuck now that was his favorite.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Does it and does it often. He’s not prudish about it, it’s free oxytocin and for a guy who’s convinced he’s never gonna get a shot at being with somebody physically, might as well practice some self love.

Loves visual stimulation but he’s really into audio stimuli. Likes those audios where he feels he’s there with the person or the ones where they give instructions. Donnie is really into edging and if he’s got the time and privacy he can literally edge himself for a couple of hours. Has at times managed hands free orgasms. Has made cock sleeves or basically fleshlights (ah ingenuity), can have his moments where he’s super slow and teasing about it, light strokes and all that. Can also have moments where he basically fucks his fist to the point of making some pretty obscene wet noises. If listening to audios or watching videos he really loves trying to cum at the same time as the person in the vid or audio. Has a bottle of lotion right on the desk but that shit is so cluttered with stuff that nobody has picked up on it and honestly it’s kinda funny.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

GIVE GIVE GIVE.

Oh my lord is he OBSESSED with giving oral. It’s such a big turn on for him. He just loves how intimate it is, he loves how he’s giving you pleasure in such an intimate position. LOVES over stimulating with his mouth, loves feeling thighs trying to break his head, happy to die down the suffocated in his favorite place, loves feeling a hand at the back of his head and pushing him in further.

He’s not crazy about receiving cause he knows his size is a challenge but he’s not opposed to it, he much rather get a hand job from you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Loud and not afraid about it. He enjoys the fuck out of it and is going to be vocal about it unless it’s adamant to be quiet because people are around. His churrs are really nice, deep but not as baritone as say Raph’s, but they feel and sound so good.

[keisurin]

swipe left! smau - ♡︎the wedding

suna rintarou x y/n l/n 

masterlist 

27 // 28 // 29

a/n: super long writing, take a drink and have a seat☺️

(for the people on the taglist, all chapters are already up, use the masterlist or next button to find the new chapters)

“y/n. y/n. Y/N DROP THE BET DROP THE BET YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY ME ILL PAY YOU OH MY,” tendou screeched into his microphone. you just explained how you ended up in this situation where you’re going to a wedding as suna’s plus one to shiratorizawa and everyone, more like just tendou was in a sort of panic state.

“tendou-san, sweetie, CHILL IM JUST ACCOMPANYING HIM,” you screech back. you were currently at a hotel near the wedding venue getting ready for the wedding that was sort of last minute having it just 2 days after suna asked. while getting ready you decided to call the shiratorizawa squad but it went downhill quickly with tendou’s undying dislike for suna.

“accompanying him, what does he also need to be accompanied when he goes to the bathroom?” you could feel the aura of tendou rolling his eyes through the phone. despite his saltiness you couldn’t help but laugh a bit.

“tendou-senpai! why are you freaking out so much? it’s not like y/n-senpai ever falls for anyone, nothing will happen right?” goshiki tried to calm down the fuming red head. tendou wasn’t actually angry he just likes to provoke a bit. you on the other hand, would rather die than admit how you feel for suna.

“pft, yea,” you replied.

“oi y/n you didn’t say anything about you and suna sharing a whole ass couple hotel room,” semi said. you and suna were given a hotel room to share, you were sort of shocked but the suna’s seemed to be richer than expected and the wedding must’ve been a big thing.

“hoi there’s two beds it’s just like a sleepover sem-chan.”

“a wedding, y/n are you wearing a wedding gown?” ushijima asked confused on the situation. “BWHAHAHA SHE WOULD THO,” tendou shouted. “y/n would wear the maid outfit tendou got her, she has no morale,” shirabu coldly said.

“when y/n and i were younger she wore crocs to one of the weddings we went to,” semi brought up. “i did and USHIJIMA-SENPAI, I DONT HAVE ANYTHING ON RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN PICK THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS IM GOING TO WEAR” you excitedly spoke.

“y/n are you naked-“ “hey y/n you said suna would provide a dress, don’t forget that,” semi cuts ushijima off but reminded, what would you do without him. and you were actually wearing a temporary dress just waiting for suna to come back with the dress you’re meant to wear.

“put the circumstances aside, i would say you should wear a green dress, the colour of my crops at home.”

you were holding in your laugh as there was silence as ushijima continued “you can camouflage yourself in the crops.”

“ushijima-senpai, i’ll keep that in mind thank you so much.”

after awhile you heard knocks at the door and the familiar voice of suna spoke “y/n, may i come inside?”

“sHIT I THINK SUNA IS HERE.”

“tell him fuck you,” tendou says. “hey this is a no curse convo, goshiki is here.” you spat back. “what did he even do to you,” shirabu asked.

you ended the call and opened the door for suna.

“what’s up,” you smile.

“hey, sorry did i interrupt something?” suna asks.

“nope, no, this is your hotel room anyways, come inside.”

suna handed you your dress and told once you’re done you’ll go to the wedding venue. you followed through and went into the bathroom for privacy. you were already ready from earlier and just had to slip on the dress. you asked suna if you could go out and he gave you the okay.

there you saw him standing there, his body was muscular from volleyball and that showed through the fitted suit. this was the most tidy you’ve ever seen suna, minus the undone tie around his neck, he looked like this could’ve been his wedding.

“don’t know how to tie a tie now do you?” you softly chuckled. he jokingly pouted, “guessing you do?”

you gave the offer to tie it for him and when that was done you made your way to the venue. the venue was near the hotel so it was a small stroll.

the wedding went by quickly, you sat in the row that suna’s family was on. the wedding itself looking beautiful in the theme of light blue. unfortunately you and suna didn’t pay too much attention to what was happening since the two of you honestly just played imessage games the whole time.

towards the end at the reception, the people started the dancing. first came the hip music for the kids where they all just played around. suna’s sister asked you to join her after her brother told her no. you kindly obliged and joined her and just jumped and had fun, you’ve never felt so young. you didn’t see it but suna was covering his smile from how cute the two of you were. 

in the end they had the having the typical slow dance for the people with dates to come. suna’s sister suddenly speaking and saying “nii-chan, y/n! please dance?” rintarou rolled his eyes and shook his head, you on the other hand wasn’t able to say no to her, so you pulled rintarou off his seat and and got on the dance floor. 

you both didn’t really know what to do except place your arms around his neck. “you really had to pull me into this?” suna said as he placed his hands on your hips. you looked down and bit your lips trying to hold in your laugh since he didn’t seem to hesitant about this. his relatives started to tease and watch as the two of you sort of just awkwardly swayed together. “suna?” “yea?”

you wanted to have this conversation over the phone, it would’ve been less stressful but you couldn’t wait. “suna what do you think of me?” you asked. “eh? did i insult you or something?” 

“what? no i just wondered, are you going to leave me once this is done?” 

suna was speechless. he didn’t think you’d ask something like that. especially in the moment. “why would you ask something like that?” suna sounded almost offended.

“you said you needed a date for the wedding and that’s it, exams are coming close so our tutoring sessions would end, you don’t really need me anymore right?”

suna at the moment just felt sort of hurt but he gets the idea of you overthinking what your relationship is with him. he pulled you into a hug and spoke “y/n, you’re not this much of a dumbass, wedding, tutoring session or whatever, even if that wasn’t there i want you in my life. i’m into you, you know that?” 

rintarou isn’t good with words. if he had to he could reply to anything with one worded answers but he knows what he wants with you. and for you, his say and do anything.

his words fell lightly into your ears, suddenly it felt like your surroundings disappeared and it was just the two of you. you moved a bit to face rintarou’s face, “you’re into me?” you needed to hear it again.

“so into you.” 

you leaned your head into his chest and confessed, “me too.”

suna held your chin and made you face him, “putting all of the dumb bets we made aside, will you be my girlfriend?” you giggled and answered “fuck the bets i’m yours.”

funfact(s):

-the wedding was at a resort a bit far from the hyogo mainland which is why suna recommended that y/n stays at the hotel.

-the miya twins kept teasing suna that he purposely asked to share a room with y/n but no it was completed an accident.

-suna planned on asking y/n to be his girlfriend the night they were in the hotel together but already passed out from the fact he had to share a room with y/n.

-the day before, y/n met suna’s family and they all love her, especially suna’s sister.

-they’re official<3

taglist status: CLOSED

taglist: @02hhsailor @blana @heyheysey @elianetsantana @kritiiiii @dae-kirei @honeydrip @bbymilkbread @cece-lives-here @tsum-tsxmus @sbaepsae @shyroadloverslime @amberalisa @peteunderoos @definitelynotbianca @omibaby @angrylittleriri @good-girlinhell @anngelllla @simpletype @todaysnotmyday @rintarhoes @volleybloop @sunaluver @ssuna @shioriaigasaki @alienvarmint @witcherydotcom @babyshoyo @sickofyourbull @rint4rous @fi-chanwrites @wjsuna @pastel-babes @kellesvt @kathya420 @kiyobbie @vhskenma @yumaryko @420-uwu @kiraakaashi @navymacaroons @icedberrytea @vicassa @euphorin @mint-mai @its-babybitch

[tigerdrop]

okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now 

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........  he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently 

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

[tylerwritez]

Sunday, September 19th, 2021, 10:31 p.m.

Hey guys

I'm here again,,, which, as y'all know, means I've got something to say.

My life has been sorta stupid lately. I dont quite remember when I posted here last, but,,, a LOT has happened since then. I got into a lot of new music and tweaked my image a bit, my parents found out all about my self harm... and now they are being REALLY strict. No closing doors, I gotta do my art downstairs instead of in my room, my messages got searched, my room and bags are regularly searched, its like I have 0 privacy which ie ridiculous because I'm not going to fucking kill myself if left alone for... omg... a few moments :0

Whatever. They're trying. I love my dad. My mom... I love her too yeah, but idk, I have a weird reaction inside me to her touch, I'm like GETOFFME which is so weird???? But it makes me panicky. Idk why. There are so many things I dont know about myself. I proabably have BPD. IM PISSED at my parents for being so strict but I understand why. It's because they're scared I'll hurt myself real bad one of these days and the damage will be hospital/death level.

I haven't self harmed since I cut up my left leg... so that's how long... lemme check

Since September 11th

It's been only 8 days? WHAT THE FUCKKKK??? it feels like so much longer. I guess that's what it's like when you're addicted... time passes slowly. For example, it feels like FOREVER since I last smoked a cig, but it was really on the 17th.

I made a new friend which is cool. I'm going to call them Velo, which is in their disc user but not their actual name. Velo is pretty cool... they're a chill person, and I'm afraid I maybe came off as annoying, but I'm doing my best at social interaction,,, its been a long time.

Velo has been helping my tattoo my arm, I did a heart and they designed a face to go inside the heart. So far it's looking super epic! I also have a smiley face on my knee, a sad face on the other knee, and I'm going to do a sun so i can match my BFF, whos getting a moon.

Wow I'm so #rebellious

ANYWAYS I'm not here to talk about my shitshow life. I'm here cos I'm sad and I wanna talk about that and HONESTLY doing my best right now Not to hurt myself because I WANT TO HURT MYSELF!!!! so badly. But it makes me feel guilty,... my parents were so upset. Crying and shit. It made me feel so bad, but like, they shouldnt be doing all that crying shit in front of me... I swear sometimes they forget that I have feelings too...

Right now, I'm mostly upset about my slight weight gain... I'M FUCKING FAT and ugly as fuck, my acne meds dont seem to be working and I... my fucking face... is shaped WEIRD.... i look at my body and I dont even see anything remotely human it all looks disgusting and fat and gross and repulsive and like some kinda of monster and my skin is disgusting and full of acne like some kinda monstrous thing and I have got scars and scabs and... it hurts. It hurts knowing how fucking ugly I am. Seeing that other kids my age havent got dots all over their fucking faces, it's just me. Since I was 10 years old. And IM FAT holy shit I'm so fat I'm so ugly I dont even look human my lips are gross and my nose is fucked up and I dont even look like a boy becos my thighs and hips are fuckinf massive I hate seeing little blond children knowing theyll grow up without my fuckinf problems, I HATE IT, I HATE CHILDREN I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THOSE PERFECT FUCKING KIDS FUCK FUCK FUCKKK I hate seeing them knowing their family loves them and they never have to question that, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being trans, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being mentally ILL and of having everyone deny your sickness and assume you're a bad person and ruin your ability to trust adult authority figures and ruin your relationship with your parents and ruin your ability to walk into offices without crying or tensing up FUCK if I was a bit more off the rails than I am right now id take one of those little blond kids and beat the shit outta them because fUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU, ,, WHY YOU ??? WHY YOU AND NOT ME? WHY??? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE AS A CHILD TO DOOM ME TO THIS??? and the answer is nothing. It's not that kids fault, or my fault, or some fake gods fault, or my parents fault, or the teachers fault..... its nobodies fault. This is just how things ended up. A combination of faults from everyone. We are all to blame, but in little, complex pieces that make me think that nobody is to blame.

Its sadder having no one to blame. You cant rile up your anger and point a finger saying YOU did this to me, its YOUR fault... you just gotta put your head down on your desk and cry because there was nothing anyone couldve done to make it better for you.

I'm sad.

Yknow tonight when i went to bed, I couldnt find my nice pillow... it's one of those fuckinf memory foam cool whatever pillows with a batman pillowcase. I looked all over for it but then I realized that the pillow in question is the one I use at my DADS house.... and i broke down crying. I was confused, my brain was confused, between my two houses, because it was thinking of it's old life.... in one house... I'm not even upset about the divorce, I swear to god I'm not. It's just sometimes, my brain is confused about where i am... and I just find that so SAD. It's like oh, right, my parents dont love each other no more, I forgot about that for a moment.

Yikes. ANYWAYS. talking about this didn't help much cos I'm still bawling my eyes out. I'd love to smoke some to calm me down but I only have 2 and I'm saving em for lunch tommorow with my friend... goddamn. I give in. If I'm not too exhausted, I'm going to burn myself and then ill cry some more cos I look like freddy fuckin kreuger then I'll burn myself some more.

Goodnight guys... not that theres anyone out there whose even listening, who even CARES. Jesus.

[randomsevans]

a stab to the heart

Captain weekly challenge

@captain-a-rogerss​

@optimistic-dinosaur-nacho​

@donutloverxo​

RANSOM X READER 

a/n : i know i write quite abit of angst but i couldn't help myself , even tho i try to write soft Ransom because i dont think he gets much love , but i just had to write him as the true arsehole he is .

You should know this day would come , why on earth did you fall form him ? ,Trust him ? Believe he would change for YOU !

This wasn't how today was meant to be , it was meant to be your anniversary , A year you have put up with  his shit but you did it anyway because you stupidly fell for him. You've dealt with it all his  shit show of a family ,his drinking , partying. Your voices which you should of listen to from the beginning . After all you should know to trust you gut felling , but your heart just over powered.

Despite all the times he would leave and you wouldnt hear from him for days , or his constant partying with his friends , knowing fine well theyd be girls all around much like it was before you , You trusted him , believed him . After all who are you to call the man you love , who says he love you and to trust him , who are you to call him a liar . 

but that was what he was . 

after all he is Ransom FUCKIN Drysdale . 

you had woken up by a soft pair of lip touch your cheek ,but it wasn't gental or sweet , it was rushed 

“y/n ! im leaving right , ill see ya soon “ Ransom husky morning voice echoed through out your room . Ransom may have said in a harsh tone , but you must of thought because it was so early in the morning and he probably didn't want to leave . After all today is you anniversary . But at least it was an improvement , in the past he would just get up and leave 

“okay “ you grumbled as you rubbed your eyes turning on your back , pulling the sheets with you as you opened your eyes to see Ransom pulling his brown coat over  his shoulder sorting out the collar . A small smile placed on your lips , as you were mesmerised by how lucky you were to have someone as hansom as him . “why dont you say ?” you said softly 

“i cant !” he snapped back , not in such a bitter tone , like he use with most , he has always been kinder to you but it was still enough for you to be slightly offend 

“umm okay “ you nervously said sitting up , “where you going ?“

he let out a deep sigh as his eyes slighted towards you in announce “out ! “ he snapped once again , until a small smug smile place on his lips “iv got something to take care of “ 

you nodded being as naive and in love ,you didn't dare question him further until a wide smile placed on your lips as you remembered what today is “im still seeing you later ya !” you  asked all giddy 

“uhhhh .. it depends on how today goes “ he let out a dry chuckle 

“oh okay “ you though maybe he was trying to wind you up he might have a surprise for you like you do for him , He does remember what today is doesn't he ?

ransom turned the door nob and opened the door , not even glancing at you . “see ya !” it was cold , nothing sweet about it. but before you could answer you heard him bounce down the stair , and soon after heard the front door open and close . 

You sighed , dragging your self out of bed , but still feeling good about the day . He was probably only winding you up . 

so you got up and got ready for the day , 

***************************************************************************************

some time had past , and you were becoming more anxious ,to know if Ransom was actual going to come , of course he would , but what kept him from  not spending the day with you again . Especial today of all days . 

you tried to ignore the little voice in your head doubting him , where could he be ? who is he with ? what is he doing ? did he forget ?

you hide those thoughts in the back of your head , as you reminded your self of the plans you had for him . But you still could not help the gut feeling that something was off . So as you made your way up the stair you rang Ransoms phone , it rang through and went to voicemal by the time you got to the top of the stairs , You decided to try one more time , and as you did you heard a ringing noise coming from your bedroom . You lifted your brow in confustion and headed into your bedroom , The ringing contuined , you quickely glanced around , to see what it was , It was then you saw Ransom phone , was laying on the floor , inbetween the door and your dresser . 

You let out a little giggle , at Ransom for being foolish leaving his phone . It must of feel out of his coat pocket . 

You shook your head picking it up from the ground , you chucked it on the bed , along with your phone and made  your way in to your wardrobe to get ready for  when ransom gets back 

It didnt take you long to get ready , as you had gotten dress , applied little makeup (gift above )

you frowned releasing the time , once again , but you sighed , trying to remain , calm , and have a good day . But as you turned to grab your phone , yu quickly remembered you have Ransoms

you titled your head in curiosity , maybe you could find out what he was doing , or maybe call one of his friend to see where he was . As you grabbed his phone , you suddenly felt uneasy , and no it wasnt your lunch . You suddenly felt guilty for going through his phone it felt like you were invading his  privacy . You nibbled on your bottom lip . Surely it would be fine , its not like he has anything to hide , right ?

so you opened up his phone , and went to unlock it , when you released you needed to enter a password , that you didnt know . You stranded there for a minted thinking with one hand on your hip covered by you silk black robe .Ransom was a very forgetfully person   clearly . So you had to think of something , he wouldn't forget , and it was then you tried his birthday . NOPE didnt work . And then you remembered four number that were more important to Ransom his card pin BINGO you were in . 

But your heart suddenly began to beat fast , now you were in his phone , what were you going to do now , its not like anyone know where he is . So you decided to go on to message and see who it was that last text him , maybe there needed him and thats where he went ? Maybe ? 

so as you pressed the little green bubble at the bottom of the screen , you were met with a string of conventions . Your brows raised , as you saw , random numbers , and anitionals  with little side notes in brackets . The top one was just labelled as J.S? (good when told  ) . You decide to click on it , as a wave  of anxiety  hit you  , 

you saw a short line of blue and white message back a forth  as your eyes bluurd one the words as your eyes become glossed over . while your chest tightend and you colsaped onto the bed . You heart sank , and torn all at once while your head become dizzy . You read through the text to make sure , your eye wernt tricking you 

J.S : Ransom , baby where are you ? you promised       

                          R.D : ill be there soon iv just got to finish up over here first 

J.S :kk ill be waiting 😉😘

                          R.D : oh i know you will be ! 

you  shaking lifted your hand , and click on another , and another conversation , that were just as similair some that had when on longer others that were shorter . Some were similar , a thank you and telling him to call them back . 

A small tear trippled down your cheek ,as you read through the message , you were even be able to find your own somewhere between a 11 digets number and a ALICE ? (decent) 

And you , You were simple save as y/n (err okay ?)

you felt anger rage through you , as you shot up from your bed . 

***********************************************************************************

And thats where you found your self now , just finished collecting all off Ransom cloths and things that he has left over . Watching them burn in the sink , turn to ash as you add to the glowing  flames as you pour the vodka you were currently sipping on , over the fire .  You turned facing away the kitchen isle as you lifted your arm as rubbed your eyes over your silk rob smuging your mascara . 

you looked down towards the cake that you had brought . You honestly dont know why tho .But you couldnt help but star at its delicate white piping around the edge and the swirls . It was kind of funny how you saw your self  in a cake . You was kind of like it before Ransom , sweet , and elegant  and now you were this A girl crying over an arsehole burning his cloths , after finding out he had been cheating . But you were surprisingly okay with that 

But the temptation was to much , you held to much rage with in . That you couldnt help but ick up a knive and stab through the cake  imagining Ransom face . With a harsh bang crumes where flying everway .You could help but laugh at your self , as you  took out your frustrations at on a cake . 

your anger , mixed with vodka made your turn into a fit of gigles that echoed through the kitchen . It was until you heard the openoing of the front door , you stopped , your face dropped as you griped the knive harder . 

“ha babe , i left my ... what the fuck !”

[wavbleu]

So stereotypical- jacob elordi

No warnings or tags

____________________________________

I jumped into a high toe touch waving my green and yellow pom-poms in the air, yelling at the top of my lungs "Go leopards go!" , they were a few points away from winning the game.

The crowd grew in volume as the team worked there way to the touchdown line.

The stadium went silent and the tension was so thick that you could cut it with a knife, everyone was on the edge of there seats, watching the one football player, #25 make his way to the touchdown line, i began to bite my fingernails. We needed to win this game.

Thats when he scored the touchdown, the leopard allies went wild, people were ringing bells and the football players were doing chest bumps. Another L for the Lions.

I clapped my pom-poms and did a back flip, cheering with joy.

After a few minutes of celebration people began to leave, that was my cue.

"Come on girls, back to the locker rooms." I said to my fellow cheermates, the all followed me in a single filed order, back to the locker rooms to change.

(tiny time skip)

It was pretty dark, 11:00 pm to be exact, It was an away game and when you have busy parents they will never be able to show, so i have to drive myself. I always had a strange feeling in my guts when it came to walking in dark parking lots but like hey woman things.

I opened my car door and threw my cheer bag in the passenger seat, thats when i heard a voice call for me, i turned around and saw Jacob, the head of the football team, "#25" he was sitting in the back of his truck, drinking a beer.

Jacobs P.O.V

_________________________________

"Hey." I called out to the pretty girl, she turned her head and looked at me, her eyes widened and her expression grew confused. "Yea I'm talking to you." I would give her a light smirk assuring her that im not some crazy person.

"Hi Jacob." She would come up to me giving me a light smile, "Want a beer? I know your tired" I offered her a beer, "Oh no , I dont drink beer." She waved her hand at it in disapproval.

"I have White Claw if that suits your interest, Princess." A cute, angry face grew, "Im not a princess." I nodded sarcastically and laughed.

She took a seat next to me, snatching the White claw from my hand, I chuckled. "Nice game today." She nudged my elbow "Thanks" i say. The silence was killing me softly.

She then popped open the drink, it let out a loud "szzz" until some of it spilled on her sweatpants and shirt. "Shit." She mumbled frustrated.

We both went to grab the towel, making our hands meet, "Sorry." I apologize, beginning to blush, her hand felt like silk and was small and cute, i could fiddle with her fingers all day. She started to wipe off her hands and her pants and shirt, drying it of the liquids.

"I dont think i really remember your name." I question her, "Was it Y/n" i say with a questionable tone in my voice, she then nodded and gave me a smirk. 

"Oh yea! Your in my chemistry class! i copy off your work all the time." I giggle, "Well i suck in that class so good luck." She stated with a small chuckle.

"But you always get good grades in that class, i dont understand." I commented, "I have my ways." she went to sip her drink.

My mind began to ponder, what the fuck does she do to maintain a 95+ thats when it hit, "Oh my god do you suck the teachers dick?" I scrunched my nose in disgust, our chemistry teacher was old and grainy, his dick must be old and shriveled up to. "NO, My parents are very good with there words.." She claimed.

I didn't buy it, not for a second. "You liar you deep throat his dick every day just to keep a good grade." I snapped at her, " And so what if i fucking did, its working aye!" She argued back.

feisty, i like her.

"I already told you my parents are lawyers and lawyers have a great way with there words." she recited, "Okay." I chuckled, finishing off my beer.

The silence grew again.

I glanced at her and examined her body a bit she was shivering and her cheeks were red, the wind blew cold air right at her and her tiny body couldn't take it .

"Here" I turned behind me and grabbed the large blue fleece blanket, wrapping it around her. "Aren't you cold?" She says in a worried tone, i looked her deep into her big eyes, they were full of worry and care.

"Ill be fine." continuing to take another sip of my second beer I was actually really cold but i didn't want to invade her personal space or force myself onto her, The last thing i wanted was for her to become uncomfortable around me.

"You should go easy on those." she said taking the bottle from me. "You need to stay sober and drive."

I loved how she tried to make it seem like she didn't care but she actually cares, a-lot, she reminds me of.. me.

I tried to hide my shivers but that failed tremendously, "Dude just take the blanket with me." She said opening her arms.

I scooted into her arms and she attempted to put the blanket over me, i was twice her size , it was cute watching her throw the blanket over my shoulder repeatedly.

"How about we lay down instead." I said with a light chuckle, "Please."  she insisted.

We laid on the back of the truck looking at the beautiful stars in the sky, it was like those teenage indie movies but better acting.

"Even though we just had our proper introduction, i really like you, i can kinda see myself through you." I said in a sincere and empathetic tone.

She turned to me and looked at me with those beautiful eyes, i stared right back at her, "You make me feel safe." her glance went down to my lips then back at my eyes.

The moonlight hit her skin, making it glitter and glow, her lips were pink and plump and kissable, her hair was as soft as silk. Her eyes were dark and full of mystery.

I couldn't resist not kissing her, it was a small smooch before i pulled back. Hoping she would consent to it.

She swiftly leaned in for a longer, more intense and passionate kiss, who knew i would kiss a girl i barely knew for atleast an hour, but at the same time it felt like we have been talking for years before.

I began to tower myself over her, the pace of the kiss quickening, i lightly grabbed her neck and began to kiss around her ears, she let out a light, and sexy moan.

"Do you want me to slow down?" i say with heavy breaths following, "No." she says , attaching her rosy and sweet lips back onto mines.

I lowered my grip down to her full, breasts.

"Please~" she softly begged with a neck roll, the need  was filling her up fastly, to keep up I took off the great sweatshirt she had on, revealing her perfect boobs, covered with a dark green laced bra. 

We were really about to have sex in a empty parking lot in the back of a black truck, with no regards.

I went behind her and detached the bra with 1 hand, letting it come lose, I connected my mouth to one of her boobs, she let out a whimper as i plastered bright red hickeys all around it.

"Are you a virgin?" I ask, unbuckling my pants. She nods her head no, i give her a mischievous smirk before i tower myself over her again.

I smoothly slid down her pants, following her panties, she gave my sexy and hungry stare which made me even harder.

I threw the blanket over us for some.. privacy, then i slid into her, she let out a gasp at my size. I felt her hands dig into my back as she moaned into my ear, every stroke i gave her.

I began picking up speed, I grabbed her neck with a tight grip and whispered dirty things into her ear, "You feel that baby?" I say sitting up, holding her legs open, i could feel her wanting to close them from embarrassment of how much she enjoyed it, but i held them wide open. She whimpered as she felt like she had no control.

I pressed onto her pelvis area, i could almost feel my dick inside of her.

While she was in a vulnerable position i took the chance to start rubbing her sensitive clit with my thumb, Her breath hitched at the pain so pleasurable.

I pulled out then flipped her around in a swift motion, she let out a squeal from being so startled.

I slapped her bare ass, it jiggled and left a bright red hand print on it in response.  I slowly re-entered myself back into her tight insides. I put my hands on her waist to arch her back, giving me a deeper thrust right onto her g-spot, the sound of her cheeks clapping and her screams filled the air.

"Fuck me!~" She would yell in a deeper more erotic tone, I could tell and feel that she was close to cumming. Her insides tightened, perfectly hugging itself around my cock.

"Im gonna-" She said before abruptly stopping herself from throwing her ass back onto me, her legs began shaking and her whole body was trembling "Fuuc-" She said with a gasp, i smirked mischievously as i watched her turn into a slutty mess.

I slowed down for a bit to make sure she didn't get over-stimulated, allowing herself to calm down so we could continue.

I lifted her by her throat, sliding my two long fingers down her throat making her gag, "Suck." i would forcefully demand, she obeyed.

I started to pick up speed once again, i was getting closer to my breaking point. She could tell because she began tightening herself onto me, I couldn't take it any more, I put her back on all fours then grabbed onto her waist again, beginning to pound her into oblivion.

"Fuck!" I would grunt as she squirted all over me, My thrusts became unbelievably sloppy, "Cum in me~" She would politely ask.

After a few more deep and rough pounds i unleashed all of my creamy cum into her, I could barely breathe from the pain of that, but it felt so amazing.

I pulled out of her the juices dripped all over the back of the truck. Tired, I hunched over her, laying my head on her back, trying to catch a breather from what we just did.

____________________________________

[moss-sprouted]

im so scared of my mental health ruining everything

im trying so hard to treat myself at home, i cant hear to make a phone call and my anxieties so bad that i cant zoom since i never have before, and ive never made appointments at all no ones ever taught me how,so i cant just go to therapy and i dont have a doctor and there isnt one within 50 miles that will take my insurance and id have to go an hour away to even Go to the doctor and i rely on my cousin to drive me places and even leaving the house for a few hours i get screamed at for it, or my grandma finds some excuse to make things about her and guilt trip me about leaving the house

yet she's a huge trigger in my meltdowns and episodes, because she'll scream at me and not leave me alone when i need to find a way to calm down, and im not even able to close my door in my own room without questions and my privacy being invaded

maybe those are all excuses, but im really stuck

i keep having horrible episodes and intense bpd symptoms, i dont have easy access to a diagnosis or therapy or medication and im so stuck in being dependent on other people and making my own decisions without help makes me extremely anxious and i put it off, and thats my fault but im

stuck and im trying so hard to treat myself at home and ive only really started trying to really redirect my behavior and it has been helping but home is a major trigger and ive been really depressed and theres been too many changes in my life lately and i just have so much trauma

this is getting really hard to handle and i feel so guilty and awful for having breakdowns and horrible episodes of screaming that i physically cant stop unless i bite my hand, and even if i walk away my family antagonizes me and continues on and on until im able to calm down and actually leave the situation

and then when its not irl its online and i ruin whole relationships and friendships and Servers based on my meltdowns or my shut downs or me pulling away because i have So much rsd its almost dehabiliting sometimes

im trying so hard to fix myself and i lean to hard on other people because my whole life people have made decisions for me and ive become so dependent and the focus has always been on other people that my hearing issues are Still being ignored and im being told theyre fake and my hearing is "selective" when my ears are in Pain sometimes, but i cant make a doctors appointment and i Have asked for my grandmas help and my cousins and they refuse to help me

so im stuck, and im so lost and ive wanted to give up so many times

i cant because i have people who want me around

and i dont even need advice i just need to vent and get out of my head before my brain starts to take over again

i feel so disconnected from myself

if i leave ill lose a rocky stability which ive only ever known and if i stay im losing myself but i have such a hard time doing things or changing until im forced to or its gotten to a breaking point Or theres an opportunitity to do something or change

its so isolating and frustrating to be stuck in this

i just wish i was different, i wish my brain wasnt like this

i wish i wasnt so fucking broken and irreparable

im not even a broken cup that you treasure and want to put back together with gold im a chipped dollar store mug whos handle fell off so you threw it away

at least thats what it feels like

[troped-fanfic-challenge]

Chopped Madness Masterlist

To say we are overwhelmed would be the understatement of the year for sure. This challenge was so incredible, the fics we received were spectacular and we couldn’t have been more pleased with the positive and supportive space that we were able to create with your help. During such a crazy time in the world, we hope that this was able to distract you, even just a little, from the harshness of reality, and bring you some level of joy. We received an astounding forty-seven (47!!!!!!) fics in our anonymous collection, that were submitted for voting, as well as four (4) amazing fics that were added to our non anonymous collection following prompts from this event, bringing our fic total to a mind blowing FIFTY ONE (51!!!!!) fics! We honestly cannot even begin to express our thanks to all of you for putting in the time and hard work to share such creative, exciting, well written pieces of fan fiction for this event, and we hope that you all enjoyed it as much as we did! If you haven’t had a chance to read all of the brilliant fics shared with us for Chopped Madness, you can find them all below, or in our AO3 collections, which will be linked at the bottom of this post.

To all of our writers, for Chopped Madness and all other Chopped events, Chopped would not be what it is without you. You take our ideas and turn them into beautiful stories that we are privileged to read and share with this fandom, and we owe you all a huge thanks for everything you do.

We hope you all (and all your loved ones) are staying safe during this uncertain time. Keep being creative, positive, and sharing your art with the world. And dont forget to keep your eyes pealed for the next Chopped events ;)

And obviously, a huge congratulations to our CHOPPED CHAMPION, the lovely @the-most-beautiful-broom​!

We love you all,

Sara & Bailey <3

The image above is not an entirely accurate representation of how each writer was paired up, it was the best we could do considering we shifted the order each round based on the rankings. The number next to the authors name in each bracket is their rank for that round!

———

Qualifying Round

Character Focus: Bellamy Blake

Theme: Canonverse

Tropes:

Fairy Tale AU

Write a Good Guy as a Villain or a Villain as a Good Guy

When the party’s over (Rated T) [Bellamy & Octavia] by safeandsound13 @captaindaddykru​

Summary: Bellamy goes into the anomaly to save Octavia. What he finds, is a trail of bodies. {Or: a canonverse take on Hansel & Gretel}

don’t be who you were (Rated T) [Bellamy & Diyoza] by sapphictomaz @iexasheart​

Summary: Bellamy’s forced to stay in the bunker, alone, for six years. Diyoza trapped alone on her ship. They find a way to help each other survive, because that’s what they know how to do.

Straight On Until Morning (Rated G) [Bellamy & Kane] by she_who_the_river_could_not_hold @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold​

Summary: Bellamy and his unruly band of Delinquents have been living life as they wish. Their days are filled with games and exploring while their nights are spent coordinating attacks against the dreaded Wanheda and her Mountain Men. It’s all fun and games in a world where no one gets older. But then a strange man appears one day and Marcus Kane provides a reality check to Bellamy that he’s not prepared to accept.

Where is the path to Wonderland? (Rated T) [Bellamy x Clarke] by myonetruelove @justwalkedaway​

Summary: Separated from their friends in the Anomaly, Clarke and Bellamy find themselves lost in a world so different from their own.

The Sixth Bride (Rated M) [Bellamy x Roan] by Shen_Gong_Oops @shen-gong-oops​

Summary: For their wedding, Roan gifted him an antique skeleton key attached to a thin, leather cord. Rough, callous fingertips grazed the base of his neck as they secured the necklace in place. While his husband allowed him full reign of the tower, the key provided access to the only room he barred Bellamy from entering. He was never to set foot in the sole room on the highest floor. Into Roan’s private reprieve from the world. And to be fair, Bellamy respected Roan’s right to privacy - for a while.

Gunning for Glory (Rated T) [Bellamy x Gina] by teeandrainbows @teeandsnowflakes​

Summary: While on a routine mission for Kane, Bellamy comes across a mystery girl who points him towards a treasure trove that might prove useful for Arkadia, but danger lurks up every spiraling staircase. It may just be the distraction he needs, though, to get over Clarke leaving.

On the Ground and What Bellamy Found There (Rated G) [General] by elle_stone @kinetic-elaboration​

Summary: Bellamy has a prophetic dream. An Alice in Wonderland AU.

to dream about a life (where you’re the shining star) (Rated T) [Bellamy x Murphy] by ProbablyVoldemort @probably-voldemort​

Summary: Bellamy has been dreaming about going to the coalition’s annual Camp Rock since he was a kid. The chance to escape his life and his step-father and spend his days travelling between clans and singing. This year, he finally has a chance to go–as a chef. Murphy hated what came of Clarke’s treaty with the Grounders, but even he knew it could’ve been worse. But that didn’t mean he wanted to spend his time performing for the people who had kidnapped and tortured him. He could do it, though. He could sing at whatever the fuck Camp Rock was, and he could help pick whichever winner the Grounders wanted him to pick. He could play nice. That didn’t mean he had to like it.

There’s Gonna Be a Party When the Wolf Comes Home (Rated T) [General] by kuklash @kuklash​

Summary: “Dante?” she asks, her voice a mixture of confusion and surprise. Bellamy straightens the nameplate on his desk, and the gold plaque reflects the dim fluorescent lights above him. He taps it twice, drawing her attention to the words “Dante Wallace” written in a fancy script. “That’s what they call me.” A Canon Divergent Fairy Tale AU staring Bellamy Blake

No Ordinary Apple (Rated T) [Bellamy & Josephine] by andthelightbulbclicks @andthelightbulbclicks​

Summary: When Josephine awakens in Clarke Griffin’s body, she has no reason to believe anything about her reincarnation is anything out of the ordinary. Then she learns that Clarke was far from a willing host and meets Bellamy Blake. She doesn’t expect to become invested in their love story, and she certainly doesn’t plan on risking her own like to make things right. And yet, here she is. All in the name of true love.

Brother Knows Best (Rated G) [Bellamy & Octavia] by Dylanobrienisbatman @dylanobrienisbatman​

Summary: Octavia grew up in a cave, hidden from the world, with only her brother to care for her. He kept her safe, safe from a world where people like her, where nightbloods, were hunted and slaughtered. But even with so much danger, she longs to see the world, so when a handsome stranger stumbles into their cave, she makes her escape to spend one night out under the stars. But in just one night, she begins to wonder if everything she’d grown up believing was true after all.

seeds in silence (exploded in riot) (Rated T) [Bellamy & Clarke] by justbecauseyoubelievesomething @justbecauseyoubelievesomething 

Summary: Seeds. Not the modified seeds Farm Station constantly churns out in unending batches. Genuine seeds. Earth seeds. The kind of seeds that the scientists from Alpha will sell their souls for. Doctor Griffin talks a lot about genetics and lost patterns, but Bellamy’s mind is a million miles away. He can get anything he wants for Octavia and his mom. He can make it so Octavia doesn’t have to live in hiding. He can bring the chancellor himself to his knees, if he’s careful enough.

i’ve got a heart in me (i swear) (Rating T) [Bellamy x Murphy] by hopskipaway @hopskipaway​

Summary: Belonging was not a familiar word in the Book of John Murphy. That was a fact that seemed grounded in concrete; what he wouldn’t give to stumble upon a sledgehammer someday and be reunited with his bruised and feeble, but still beating, heart.

2199 Nights (Rated M) [Bellamy x Clarke] by Mobi_On_A_Mission @mobi-on-a-mission​

Summary: Every day, the Commander Bellamy took a new wife and executed her the next morning, until one day his fleimkepa’s daughter volunteered. She kept him entertained with tales of far-off places, sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise…

we’d up and fly (if there were wings for flying) (Rated G) [Bellamy x Clarke] by the-most-beautiful-broom @the-most-beautiful-broom​

Summary: Bellamy and Wells are held captive and interrogated by the Grounders, and when he returns to Arkadia, Bellamy finds some things have changed.

The Storyteller (Rated T) [Bellamy x Clarke] by thelittlefanpire @thelittlefanpire​

Summary: A heartbroken Commander, betrayed by her beloved, vows to slay each and every one of her future lovers after they’ve spent their first night together. Bellamy Blake, the latest to be taken into the Commander of Death’s chambers, will try to save his life by weaving a succession of tales to the woman that lasts for one thousand and one nights.

How to Kill a Two-Headed Turkey (Rated T) [Bellamy & Octavia] by vmreed @vmreed​

Summary: After everyone at camp collapses from a mysterious illness (thanks Murphy), Bellamy and Octavia are sent to hunt enough food for 100 sick teenagers. When they find themselves lost, far from camp, what else can they do but move forward? Thankfully, a kind woman took them in, but all is not as it seems. Anya’s been waiting to meet these Skaikru…

simmer, simmer, simmer (Rated M) [Bellamy x Clarke] by Pawprinter @pawprinterfanfic​

Summary: When Sanctum falls to starvation, it is up to Bellamy and Clarke to find a solution. They aren’t prepared for the horrors beyond the Sanctum barrier.

So Familiar a Gleam (Rated T) [Bellamy x Clarke, Bellamy & Octavia] by Anonymous

Summary: When the dropship first lands, Bellamy is hopeful. It doesn't last. After all, the humans who were left behind, they've been on there own for a while. Things have changed. (Maleficent meets The 100 meets the author's glaring ignorance about either franchise.)

———

Round 1

Character Focus: Harper McIntyre

Theme: Angst

Tropes:

Strangers to Lovers

Road Trip AU

into a cloven pine (Rated T) [Harper/Maya] by justbecauseyoubelievesomething @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

Summary: Maya starts sitting with her at meals, shrugging aside the judgmental looks of delinquents and Mountain Men alike. When Harper tries to delicately suggest that she sit somewhere else for her own good, Maya levels her with an icy glare and threatens to kick her under the table. For some reason, that makes Harper giggle and she figures that someone who makes her giggle must be alright to sit with. So, she ignores Miller’s warning head shakes and Fox’s teary-eyed frowns and she plays footsie with Maya Vie. Life is weird. She might as well just go with it.

I Need You (Like I Need a Gaping Head Wound) (Rated T) [Harper/Echo] *Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death* by kuklash @kuklash​

Summary: “And that was the new track from Lou Bega: ‘Mambo No. 5’ off his new album ‘A Little Bit of Mambo’. Stay tuned for Backstreet, Britney Spears, and The Red Hot Chili Peppers comin’ at’cha in the next hour.” Harper shuts off the radio and leans back in the driver’s seat, taking her hands off the wheel and rubbing her temples. Traffic is worse than normal today, meaning she’s gonna be late. She’s already 45 minutes late getting back from lunch, meaning that Roan will probably call her into his office. That’s the last thing she needs today. Harper nearly jumps out of her skin when the passenger door opens and a tall, brunette woman vaults into the car. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU D–” “Drive,” the woman says, voice barely above a whisper.

venus, planet of love was destroyed by global warming (Rated G) [Harper/Monty] by safeandsound13 @captaindaddykru​

Summary: In a world tainted by darkness, Harper meets Monty.

Take back my life (Prove I’m alright) (Rated T) [Harper/Monty] by myonetruelove @justwalkedaway​

Summary: Harper and Monty have been married for ten years and she is beginning to notice the cracks in their marriage. Will a road trip for a job interview be able to save their marriage?

Like dust behind the wagon (Rated T) [Harper/Monre] *Major Character Death* by teeandrainbows @teeandsnowflakes​

Summary: Harper and her family were in search of a better life in Oregon when tragedy struck. She didn’t think she would ever recover, and then she met Monroe, a lone traveler looking for a ride to Fort Bridger.

you can bloom again (Rated T) [Harper/Clarke] by sapphictomaz @iexasheart​

Summary: Harper’s always been a survivor. She’s survived an orphaned childhood, kidnapping, and torture. When a wave of fire stretches across the sky, she knows that she’ll survive this, too - but when she meets a girl with a smile brighter than the sun, Harper wonders if surviving alone is what she really wants.

The Hardest Thing (Rated T) [Harper/Emori] by Mobi_On_A_Mission @mobi-on-a-mission​

Summary: After shooting Baylis and escaping to the woods, Emori was utterly alone. She travelled through the lands of the Coalition, stealing from anyone and everyone. All of that changed when she met the last sky girl after the Mountain Men wiped out the rest of her people. Harper had a map to a peaceful village across the sea, and Emori had nothing to lose.

Release (Rated T) [Harper/Murphy] by elle_stone @kinetic-elaboration​

Summary: Her whole body is still tense, but this long habit of distrust has been formed in her, is not native to her, and his lazy, laconic air tempts her to put herself at ease. And she is curious. Behind them, the Detention Center is teeming, yet the desolation of the dim light and barren highway makes Harper feel as if they were the only two on the wide Earth. Upon being released from the Arkadia Juvenile Detention Center, Harper takes a road trip to California with an old friend, his boyfriend, and another recently released delinquent.

What the Hell is a Pulmonary Embolism? (Rated T) [Harper & Clarke/Murphy] by vmreed @vmreed​

Summary: Harper McIntyre wasn’t trained for this. She was just a tour guide, how was she supposed to deal with the bus crashing in the middle of nowhere?

something more than momentary (Rated T) [Harper/Murphy] by ProbablyVoldemort @probably-voldemort​

Summary: The first rule of working for the Princess Protection Program was, well, keep your princess safe no matter the cost. The second rule was don’t get attached. Agent Murphy had followed that rule to the letter for years and never had an issue. But now he’s stuck in a car for the foreseeable future with a princess and a gunshot wound, and everything he’s ever believed in just might be changing.

and the road gets tough (Rated M) [Harper/Monty] by she-who-the-river-could-not-hold​ @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold

Summary: It’s the end of the world and Harper McIntyre is done running. She’s done fighting against a life that relentlessly keeps pushing her down. But she has her son to worry about and she desperately wants him to have a new life and to experience it all. When they hit the road, she’s helped by a kind stranger who changes the course of things. Monty Green represents a life she wished she had been able to have, but it might still be too late.

everyone’s a different flower (Rated T) [Harper/Monty] by andthelightbulbclicks @andthelightbulbclicks​

Summary: Harper McIntyre’s life on Earth has been a simple one, and she’s always been happy with that. But with a single diagnosis, her simple life is completely upended. Her best friends think that an intergalactic trip across the universe is just what she needs to get her mind off of things. Raven thinks the change in scenery will do Harper some good. Clarke thinks the girl time will help. (Harper thinks the cute space-botanist she meets might just do the trick.)

I wanna shoot the whole day down (Rated T) [Harper/Monty] *Major Character Death* by hopskipaway @hopskipaway​

Summary: Tell me why I don’t like Mondays...Or Tuesdays, or Wednesdays, or any day since you left us.

Never Gonna Give You Up (Rated T) [Harper/Raven] by Shen_Gong_Oops @shen-gong-oops​

Summary: Unknown: Hey, Monty guilted me into a road trip with those damned puppy dog eyes and seeing as neither of you can be in the same car, I am your road trip Uber. Name’s Raven. Harper: Rookie mistake, you never look Monty in the eyes. That’s how you lose. A road trip, huh?

Macushla (Rated T) [Harper/Monty] by the-most-beautiful-broom @the-most-beautiful-broom​

Summary: Harper Noelle Margaret McIntyre, Countess of Rothes, must survive the unthinkable, when the unsinkable ship hits an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic // aka the Titanic AU that isn’t Jack and Rose

Both (Rated T) [Harper/Monty] by the-most-beautiful-broom @the-most-beautiful-broom​

Summary: “Emori doesn’t understand why I’d want to go back up.” Their backs are against the wicker, just waiting now, as the balloon floats downward. “Emori’s my sister,” Harper clarifies. “She thinks I should be scared, and just leave it behind. But if I left, if I never went up again, then everything I’ve lost would be for nothing.” It hovers in the air, like the snow, like a balloon. “All my life,” Monty says, “I’ve found certainty in science. In numbers, quantifying things. But...this has shown me. You have, I mean. There’s a beauty in the most barren of science, and my equipment and notes cannot account for it. And I thought it was science, logic, before, but now I see: the only person that could’ve taken me to the stars was you.” {a marper Aeronauts AU based heavily off the 2019 movie}

———

Round 2

Character Focus: John Murphy

Theme: Dystopia

Tropes:

Partners In Crime

Bed Sharing

poison but tasty (Rated M) [Murphy & Josephine, Murphy/Emori] by safeandsound13 @captaindaddykru​

Summary: In a world where genetics and individual resilience decide who gets to procreate and who doesn’t, babies are a rare breed. That’s why Murphy gets the lucrative idea to steal one, and sell it. In comes Josie, who kind of, sort of? Maybe? Has the same idea? He figures, what the hell. Might as well combine their efforts and split the profits. or, Two Psychopaths and a Baby.

even heroes have the right to dream (Rated M) [Muprhy/Emori] by justbecauseyoubelievesomething @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

Summary: He doesn’t deal with people one-on-one anymore. He works his shift at the factory. He comes home. Takes his pills. Drinks himself to sleep. He doesn’t go on road trips. Or smuggle little girls under the cover of darkness. Or make small talk with his ex.

don’t mess with the flow, oh no (stick to the status quo) (Rated T) [Murphy/Clarke] by ProbablyVoldemort @probably-voldemort​

Summary: Harper and Monty tried out for the spring musical, and now everything is going to shit. Jocks think they can bake. Nerds think they can dance. Stoners think they can play cello. And Harper and Monty, Jock and Nerd respectively, think they can get callbacks for Murphy’s part. This is not what he wants. This is not what he planned. And, he’s just gotta say, he does not understand.

Good to be Back (Rated G) [Murphy/Emori] by the-most-beautiful-broom @the-most-beautiful-broom​

Summary: Murphy has been out of the wet work game for years now, but when someone from the past shows up at his bar, he doesn’t think twice before diving back in.

make a wish (count to three) (Rated T) [Murphy/Emori] by teeandrainbows @teeandsnowflakes​

Summary: In Alpha City, anyone who isn’t a Prime, the top tier of society, is claimed by a factory to work for a meager living at the age of 18. When Murphy is selected for the factory overseen by the mysterious Alie, he thinks life might finally be getting better…

The Taste of Hope (Rated T) [Murphy/Raven] by elle_stone @kinetic-elaboration​

Summary: Murphy has lived his whole life on Factory 6, stripping the planet of its resources for the benefit of the elite ruling class on The Jewel. His existence has never been more than work, sleep, and the mindless distractions of gossip, drinking, and parties. Until he and his girlfriend, Raven, start to wonder: could there be more?

Survivor’s Move (Rated G) [Muprhy/Emori] by she_who_the_river_could_not_hold @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold​

Summary: In a dying society ruled by an iron fist, it’s crucial to stay low. John Murphy has mastered that, an ex-thief doing what he can to stay out of trouble. But trouble finds him with the arrival of another ex-thief, and more importantly, his ex-girlfriend. Emori needs his help and he finds himself confronting their breakup while also trying to express to her the importance she has in his heart.

Complex Wiring (Rated T) [Murphy/Raven] by andthelightbulbclicks @andthelightbulbclicks​

Summary: According to the Commonwealth of Arkadian, cyborgs have been wiped out from the nation for years, any scientists willing to do the surgeries arrested or worse. John Murphy, whose primary goal in life is to be a general nuisance to the guards in his crummy village, has no reason to believe otherwise. That is, until he unexpectedly meets a group of cyborgs in hiding who are looking for “the Cockroach” to do a job for them.

———

Round 3

Character Focus: Raven Reyes

Theme: Modern

Tropes:

Superpowers

Found Family

if you choose to fly (Rated M) [Raven/Bellamy/Echo] by teeandrainbows @teeandsnowflakes​

Summary: It’s always been the three of them, for as long as she can remember, and she’s happy. Bellamy kisses her forehead and Echo raises a hand to her cheek, reaching across and pressing a featherlight kiss to her lips. A week later, she finds herself missing the tranquility of the moment. or the origin story of Raven Reyes

Hands That Burn (Rated T) [Raven/Clarke] by elle_stone @kinetic-elaboration​

Summary: WELCOME, reads a large banner, hung up between two poles in front of her, TO FLOUKRU RETREAT. The font on the banner matches the font on the invitation Raven received two months ago. Why she decided to attend this particular event, she cannot entirely explain, even to herself. Six ex-superheroes, and ex-best friends, meet for a weekend retreat, ready to confront their feelings and the past tragedy that tore them apart.

Into the Blue (Rated G) [Raven/Zeke] by the-most-beautiful-broom @the-most-beautiful-broom​

Summary: Her name is Raven Reyes. She was bitten by a radioactive spider her senior year of college; for the last two years, she’s been the one and only Spider-Woman. She joined a band, saved her dad, couldn’t save her best friend, so now she saves everyone else. She doesn’t really do the friends thing, not since her last best friend was turned into a giant lizard and she had to kill him, but things are mostly fine, going solo. Until a kaleidoscope opens in the ceiling. She’s suddenly in Times Square, but it’s not, it’s like some Other Times Square. There’s a billboard for Cocoa Kola (what even?) and there’s a Spider-Man (typical) here, and on the Other Times Square screens, she watches Zeke die again, this time as Spider-Man. // or a zaven!into the spiderverse AU

the color of truth is gray (Rated T) [Raven/Murphy] by andthelightbulbclicks @andthelightbulbclicks​

Summary: Raven’s firm beliefs on super villains have held true for as long as she can remember. And she prides herself in being a part of the Spacekru team, protecting their territory in Polis and bringing those villains to justice. But slowly, she comes to realize that maybe their super-powered world isn’t as black and white as she’s always chosen to believe. And maybe a certain villain isn’t really a villain at all. (Or: Three times Raven fights a villain, and one time she saves him.)

And It May Sound Absurd, But Don't Be Naive (Rated T) [Raven/Zeke] by Anonymous 

Summary: "Yeah, well, if life were to suddenly get fair, I doubt it would happen in high school." A Sky High AU where Raven just wants to sit there and do her Mad Science homework in peace, but life has a funny habit of removing that as an option.

———

Round 4

Character Focus: Luna kom Floukru

Theme: Thriller

Tropes:

Parallel Universe

Doppelgängers

Excuse me, where are the dinosaurs? (Rating M) [Luna/Raven/Roan] *Graphic Depictions of Violence* by ​andthelightbulbclicks @andthelightbulbclicks​

Summary: Luna is living her life on the island of Floukru with two goals in mind. 1. Keep her animal rescue up and running. 2. (Somehow) turn her relationship with her two roommates into a romantic one. When the three of them find themselves on a very different version of Floukru where living, breathing dinosaurs still exist, she supposes she should add two more to the list: 3. Avoid the psychopaths who inexplicably look exactly like them. 4. Make sure no one gets eaten by a T-Rex.

we cross our bridges and burn them behind us (Rating T) [Luna/Lincoln] by the-most-beautiful-broom @the-most-beautiful-broom​

Summary: When SHRDR powers up and tears a hole in the world, Luna watches Lincoln die. Three years later, he steps out of thin air and asks for her help. So yeah, that's how her day is going. It's fine. Everything is fine.

Promise (Rated M) [Lincoln & Luna] *Graphic Depictions Of Violence Major Character Death* by teeandrainbows @teeandsnowflakes​

Summary: During the Conclave, Luna and Octavia find themselves in another version of Polis where vampires have been terrorizing what's left of humanity.

Please take a read of all these incredible fics! Leave the authors some kudos/comments! They worked so hard this whole event. Thanks so much!

Just as a reminder, our non-anon collection is always open and we are always so excited to receive any submissions! The Chopped Madness official collection has been CLOSED but if any of our prompts inspire you, please share your fics with us in our non-anon collection! Simple put ‘Chopped_Non_Anonymous’ where it asks for the collection name, and be sure to put what round you are writing for in your notes so we can be sure to tag it appropriately when we share! Also, just as a note, fics submitted to the non-anon collection do not have to follow the word limit and do not require the same strict adherence to the tropes, though we do ask that you comply with our other rules regarding no rape, incest, negativity, and things like that! Happy writing!

Chopped Madness AO3 Collection: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Chopped_Madness

Chopped Non-Anon AO3 Collection: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Chopped_Non_Anonymous

[unfortunatematchups]

(Hello is this blog dead because I haven't seen you post since February)

nope, this blog aint dead. i have it open on a browser tab as long as im online to check on any new asks and messages. im going to leave a short explanation here for those who dont want to waste their time.

weve been busy with other interests and ive gotten something like a writers block. matchup block? since im the primary writer here, theres pretty much no activity as long as im not writing. thats it. no reason, nothing to do with personal problems. just a block. 

keep reading for the real reason. you might not like it, but here it is.

im going to use these john sprites to convey my emotion so it might clear up any doubts on how im feeling. lets start with the process of how i write a match.

this is what a draft looks like. i write out how i would rant about this pairing, errors and all, then i leave it for the next day to come back to this and clean this draft into a polished, three-pointer paragraph. the thing is, im the only one doing this, so its obviously going to take long. i dont mind, i love to type and see something spawn from my effort. 

the problem? these rants are people-specific. right. whatever im rambling about in the draft, its about the ask and the ask only. it wouldnt fit if you crammed it into another ask, it wouldnt make a lick-a-sense if it was used to answer someone else. but, when i start to polish it up with clear and coherent sentences, suddenly it becomes… static. it becomes plain and simple, uninteresting and linear. think of it like youre hearing about a book from someone you know and trust versus a review. the person you know describes why the book is great with a lot of passion and love, but theres a lot of errors in delivery and some awkward bits they havent flushed out yet. 

nevertheless, its enjoying and persuasive, because you can see how they love it so much to the point where it gets them like that. they dont plan out how theyll describe the book to you word by word, because theres no need to. seeing how it gets them excited gets you excited, so you buy their faith in the book. 

what about a review? its clean, its cut, its perfect in delivery. it has a flow, introducing you to the story and overall appeal, then maybe it digs down for a spoiler or two. it gels with you in a simple fashion, doesnt quite have that connection a passionate ramble has. because its professional. 

thats what ive been making this blog to be. professional. i answer the request with a polished, pretty and perfect answer. theres no personal connection. i could take a match, swap out a couple of words, maybe cut out a bit, and it would be clear for another match. it feels static to write those paragraphs, and it progressively gets worse each time i repeat the process. im chipping away at something so close, so personal and unique into something dull and professional because i want it to look clean.

but thats my end of the problem. i dont like how it comes out, so what? people enjoy it. they must be, seeing how theres fifty three fucking asks for matchups and 73 followers. 

i wont show all the asks i have in the inbox, but ill tell you what majority, if not all of them, sound like. 

“I’m bi/pan”, “I have brown hair/eyes”, “I’m chubby/short”, “I like art/gaming/reading/writing”, “I’m shy around people I don’t know, I’m crazy around people I know”, “I’m a nerd”, “I have ADHD/Anxiety”. 

of course, there are some exceptions. not everything i say is as is, but from 50+ asks, these are what about three quarters of them sound like. there are personal differences, like music tastes and obscure hobbies, but the general gist is there. 

im not going to say anything about the sexuality orientation, because im in a friend group where majority, if not all, are not cishets. yes, people like art and gaming. 

but thats it? these descriptors are such shallow answers. i can personalise a match for you, sure, but does it feel like its right? you like gaming. so what, do you like ALL games? from FPS to Dating sims to Horror games to Sports games to Adult games? do you like ALL art? Surrealism, sculpture, comics, abstract, even those where they splash paint and call it a day? really? i dont think im asking for a lot when it comes to being specific. some asks literally just go ‘im a bi female, 5′3, i like gaming and drawing, im sometimes shy but i can be sassy at times’. 

with everyone being so similar and vague, how am i supposed to give a match i feel is right? i might as well take everyones favourite boy david elizabeth strider and talk about how he likes your art and how he likes gaming and oh isnt it so great that you two like music. 

there are some unique ones, and its pretty obvious which ones they are because ive put in more love into them. and i havent been able to do that to many asks. 

and the physical descriptions. while im sure some of the characters do have types and preferences, i dont care for appearances. i dont care if youre fat or skinny, i dont care if youre tall or short, brown hair or blonde. you being morbidly obese or morbidly skinny may affect the match depending on how i feel the characters might respond to someone with those physical traits, but they shouldnt matter. 

i dont need how you look. i dont want how you look. its shallow and unimportant. it takes up space in the ask, because you could be using it to describe your personality or interests in detail. not that youre limit to one ask, you can send in an entire fucking fourteen page essay and id match you, as long as youre telling me something i can pair you with. 

telling me youre ‘chubby’ or ‘blonde’ doesnt help visualise shit. this shouldnt be new information to you or anyone else. writing shit like ‘he loves your curves!’ or ‘she likes how short you are because it makes you cute’ is bullshit and is simply self-serving nonsense. yes, its an additional bonus if your lover likes how youre short or fat, but that shouldnt be why theyre in love with you. a paragraph based on how much they like to hold you are appreciate your body is utter fucking nonsense. you appreciate your own body, and thats it. 

i dont feel inspired when i look at some of these asks. i dont feel like i should answer any of these because a) im not obligated to, this blog is just a side hobby and b) id be writing something i dont enjoy for people who might also not enjoy it. i dont deserve to sit at my laptop and write something i feel doesnt represent my work or ideas well, and the person who im matching doesnt deserve the half-assed boring paragraph of nonsense im pulling out of my ass just to clear the inbox. 

ive taken some time away from this blog and upon receiving this ask, i wanted to use the same old excuse every other blog uses: ‘we’ve been busy, so we went on an unannounced hiatus’. 

but thats not true. with the pandemic forcing lockdowns, theres essentially nothing else for us to do. if anything, this would mean that we have more time to write. 

so there it is. my truthful answer as to why nothings coming out of this blog.

part of this is my fault. i thought that maybe i could force myself to match all those vague asks that feel like theyre about the same person, just with a couple of changes. but i cant. i wont. im not going to keep writing shit i dont like, and im not going to keep giving half-assed matches, giving characters people are at the very least sure to be okay with. 

i want to write exciting, unique and adorable relationships. i thought that with the homestuck fandom being so vast and creative, maybe i would get the chance to meet and write for a couple of people who were just so different it would make pairings id never thought of. 

but nah, it looks like everything is the same. all the anon asks start to bleed together. the responses start becoming the same. im given descriptions that sound so tame, so generalised. like somehow, youre afraid of letting me know who you are as a person. or not, perhaps you just struggle with expressing yourself. thats why youre using anon to send in your ask, isnt it? 

i turned anon on because i wanted to respect privacy. i wanted people to be able to send in each and every detail about themselves while remaining behind a mask so they could get the best match without exposing every inch of themselves on a blog. maybe that was my mistake. 

ill leave the matches open, but im only going to do the ones that interest me. but if you decide that you dont give a fuck about the quality of the match, tell me or something. i have drafts that i can just post. maybe youd like that. 

-pretty obviously, mod olio.

[mithranqueersmusings]

Before This Dance Is Through V

Chapter: 5/16

Rating: M (Smut Warning)

Summary: Ringo's being going through a dry spell for the last year or so and when he regretfully tells his best friend John, he insists on taking them to an all-male strip club for some "fun". Ringo isn't sure whether it's the alcohol, his desperation or a mixture of the two but he thinks he might be falling in love with a stripper.

Tags: AU - Strippers, Modern Setting, Smut, Slow Burn

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Despite what John had suggested, Ringo didn't go back to The Helter Skelter the following week; he'd considered it when John sent him yet another late night text but ultimately decided it wasn't the best idea. Spike had been playing on his mind daily and Ringo wasn't sure he was prepared to face him again. Instead he focused on his drumming and searched for a few more students to teach, which were fairly easy to find. Usually Ringo enjoyed his time off, he understood he was lucky that he didn't have to work a 9-5 job just to get by, but recently he wanted his fill his time up as much as possible, to distract himself.

One of his new students seemed incredibly interested in him, they'd spent an hour just chatting in his living room before they'd even moved over to the drum kit. Ringo wasn't too fussed, he was getting paid by the hour so wasting time was beneficial to him but he didn't want to give the guy the wrong impression. He was a little bit older and attractive enough but Ringo simply wasn't interested.

"Why didn't you just go for it?" John had asked him when they next met up.

"I dunno..." Ringo mumbled, but a part of him knew very well.

He'd given the guy another lesson since then and it became clear that the guy's interest in him wasn't going away any time soon. Ringo felt bad about the whole thing, wasn't he just doing exactly what Spike was doing to him? He tried to act as professional as possible the second time around in attempt to get the guy to back off, considering he hadn't heard from him since he was hoping it had worked. What was wrong with him? Was he really going to make himself suffer like this all because of one guy? And not just any guy, a stripper who had shown absolutely no interest in him at all. It was ridiculous, he kept telling himself, but no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he had to get over Spike, he would still think about him every day without fail. Trying to distract himself with clients had been working somewhat, but it had been difficult, especially when his best friend was John Lennon.

       youre gonna love me

The text came through when Ringo was sat in a café getting some lunch. He'd finished with one of his younger students, a sweet girl who's parents had tried to convince her to try a more 'ladylike' instrument but she had promised only to give up the drums if she was awful; much to her delight, and Ringo's for being able to prove the stereotypical parents wrong, she was pretty good. Seeing her always put Ringo in a good mood, the parents mostly stayed away partly due to the noise but mostly due to disappointment, which meant they could joke around together. Ringo could tell she admired him and he welcomed it gladly, one of the best things about teaching was inspiring others, at least for him it was.

        do i not already?

        well yes         but youre gonna love me EVEN more

        what have you done

        well i happened to stop by the club last night

        oh god what did you do

        wow is that how little you trust me

        can you blame me

        suppose not         ANYWAY i got talking to paulie

        surprise surprise

        do you want the good news or not???

        fine fine sorry

        AS I WAS SAYING i was talking to paulie         and he told me that your special little someone has an onlyfans account

        first of all fuck you for calling him that         second of all wtf is onlyfans

        oh sorry i didnt realise you werent living in the 21st century

        ......         care to grace me with your knowledge?

        basically its a website where you can post exclusive stuff for ONLY FANS to see         its not a porn site or anything but its basically where people sell their nudes         MEANING spike has an account so you can totally see loads of raunchy filthy perverted pics of him

        but i have to pay?

        well weve all gotta make a living

        i can basically see him naked for free

        but this way you wont get all freaked out and embarrassed         well you will but nobody will know at least         so do you want the link or not???

Ringo paused for a few moments, he was gripping his phone tightly in both of his hands as he unblinkingly looked at John's words. If his mind was going to decide to make him suffer by enabling his intense interest in Spike, he may as well get something out of it.

        fine

        where are your manners richard??

        can i please have the link to the strippers nude photos please john please

        alright calm down         let me know if its worth while i might have a look

        idk if im even gonna look at it         paying for porn is a little dated

        treat yourself ringo         id offer to pay but im broke

        if youre broke why were you at the strip club last night?

        well SOMEONE had to go

        they really didnt

        im supporting my local economy

        i dont think thats how that works

        sure it is         anyway here you go

Ringo stared at the link for a while, his eyes even began to blur, he didn't want to risk opening it in public even though he knew there was little chance of anyone seeing. He finished his lunch in a hurry and headed home quickly, only when he was in the privacy of his bedroom did he dare open it. First he had to make an account, when he saw the screen loading up asking for an email address and password he just turned his screen off and put the phone down. This was far too much effort for something he shouldn't really have been doing in the first place. But it only took a few minutes for him to pick the phone back up and begin signing up, he used an old email as it felt less seedy that way and he didn't want to risk his name cropping up anywhere for Spike to see. Now he could load up the link properly and take a proper look at Spike's profile.

Just looking at the small profile picture was enough to startle Ringo a little, the dark eyes looking into the camera with that unreadable glimmer behind them. He was shirtless in the picture, Ringo wondered why that didn't catch his attention first, with the frame cutting off just before it showed anything too explicit. The header was a photo taken from the club, showing him in tight, leather pants and tassels on his nipples which matched the whip he held in his hand. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He'd spent so much time and effort trying not to think about this man, attempting to keep him out of his mind as much as possible. Ringo knew that if he went through with this all that progress would be lost, he'd be giving in to whatever strange obsession he'd developed for Spike, one that no doubt wasn't going to lead to anything good.

Ringo kept staring at the screen as though it was going to tell him what he should do. Spike's profile had no description, which wasn't very surprising, and it dashed any hope Ringo had of discovering something new about him. Right before he was about to put his phone down again, it vibrated.

        howd the wank go??

        john i dont care how long weve been friends asking how my wank was will always be weird

        youre right sorry         so how did it go???

        if you must know         i havent had a wank         i havent even paid for entry

        now whos the one being inappropriate??

        ha ha

        why havent you???

        feels weird

        oh i see         youll consume a bunch of unethical porn for free but god forbid you actually give sex workers any actual money

        you are the last person who can lecture me about unethical porn

        hey now watch yourself         ringo if you dont get a subscription I WILL

        go ahead

        and ill tell you every day what sexy sexy pictures hes posting         ill tell you EVERY SINGLE TIME i have a wank over them

        every time? i dont think youve got enough data for that

        im not joking

        neither am i         you wank A LOT

        ringooooo just buy it i swear to god         if its not worth it or you regret it or whatever ill give you the money back

        on top of the money you already owe me?

        have you always been such a capitalist

        youre not doing a very good job of convincing me

        fine         spikes cock         now are you convinced???

        maybe

        naked pictures of spike whenever and wherever you want them all for the low low price of 10 quid a month         convinced??

        fine fine         if itll shut you up

        im starting to think thats code for 'i really wanna do this but im too embarrassed to admit it'

        i hate you

        now that DEFINITELY code for 'john youre right'         anyway theres no time to be telling me how right i am all the time youve got dick pics to look at         even i wont stand in the way of a good wank         so dont bother replying to me until youve paid for that subscription young man

        im older than you

        DONT BOTHER REPLYING

Ringo let out a sigh and rested his head against the bedroom wall from where he was laying on the bed. He opened up the link again and his thumb hovered over the subscription button, why couldn't he just do it? The money wasn't an issue, it could've cost half as much or be double the price and he'd still be debating it all the same. Somehow it felt like an invasion of privacy, after all Spike hadn't told Ringo about it himself, but then again that didn't necessarily mean he didn't want Ringo to see it. After all it was like John said: everyone has to make a living somehow. Sometimes Ringo wished he could turn off that part of his brain that was so empathetic, so concerned about how everyone felt and what they were thinking. He knew that he wanted this, so why wasn't he allowing himself to have it? Ringo could see that he was being ridiculous, as he was with almost anything involving Spike, and after lying there for a while pondering and debating he decided to flip a coin. Heads would mean he got the subscription, tails that he didn't. He watched the coin spinning through the air after he flicked it upwards, then snatched it and slammed it down onto his forearm before slowly moving his hand away: it was tails. What a relief. Ringo chuckled to himself for being so foolish, settling down into his bed; it was still only around midday but he didn't have anywhere he needed to be.

So why didn't he feel relieved in the slightest?

This whole thing was getting tiring, the constant debate between what he believed he should do and what he wanted to do, and it seemed like it wasn't going to be ending anytime soon. Apparently he was in this for the long run, whatever that meant, but if he was going to turn down relatively attractive guys practically throwing themselves at him, he may as well go all the way. While he was putting in his credit card information, he stopped to think around three of four times, but once he'd finished and the images became accessible to him, his brain was barely able to conjure up a coherent sentence.

"Jesus..." Ringo breathed out as his eyes flicked across the plethora of pictures loading up on his screen.

There was a lot of them, and a lot of Spike was on display. Most of them were pictures taken at the club, either from a professional photographer in the audience or photos he'd taken himself in the mirrors backstage - Ringo could even see glimpses of Paul in the background of some of them. The ones that caught Ringo's eyes the most were those that seemed to be taken in his house, these also happened to be the ones in which Spike tended to be fully naked. It was very different experience to see him like this: a static image that he'd intentionally taken of himself and posted for so many people to see, an image that couldn't look back at Ringo and make him feel that strange mixture of excitement and shame. He began scrolling down the feed which only revealed more and more enticing photos. Ringo began to feel himself hardening, he suspected it had been happening for a while now but he'd been far too distracted to notice. He felt like a teenager discovering porn for the first time, it was difficult to remind himself that this wasn't anything new. Seeing Spike naked shouldn't have excited him so much, and yet it did.

One picture in particular drew Ringo's attention: Spike was stood in front of a bathroom mirror with a loose black tie lying against his bare chest, one hand was holding a phone and the other gripping his cock. He had dark eye make up on and his hair was messy. Ringo wasn't sure exactly what it was about this photo that was so enticing but he couldn't take his eyes off it. The prominence of his collarbones, the faint curls of his dark hair, how his slim fingers wrapped around himself. Slowly Ringo slid his own hand under the waistband of his boxers as he stared at the picture. At first he hesitated, his fingers stopped right above the base. It's not like this would've been the first time he'd touched himself while thinking about Spike, it would've been far from the last he imagined, but this was different. It was more concrete, more of an admission. Nothing felt quite as real when it's only being imagined, the haziness of lust fuzzing up the mind as it so often did, but now with a very real photo of Spike in front of him - which he'd paid to see - the feeling was far more tangible, far harder to ignore.

He'd come this far, he told himself as his hand sunk lower until his fingers were running along the length of his semi-hard cock, he may as well go all the way. To begin with Ringo stayed looking at this single picture as he slowly pumped himself, but as his lust began to grow he perused through more and more pictures: Spike kneeling naked in front of a mirror with a loose cigarette hanging from his lips, lying in the bath with bubbles only just about covering his nakedness, spread out on the bed with a gag in his mouth, handcuffs forcing his slim arms behind his back with his cock throbbing. None of this was anything Ringo hadn't seen before, like most people in this day and age he'd searched through the darker corners of the internet - sometimes willingly, sometimes John was to blame - but to see Spike in such a way was like an entirely new rush. Each picture drove Ringo further and further on, at times he almost dropped his phone with how sloppy his movements were becoming. Who took these photos? Ringo figured it was best not to think about it, the possibility that Spike had a boyfriend who took all these pictures of him would've been the quickest way to kill his erection.

Ringo began moaning and cursing wantonly as he got closer and closer to his orgasm, he had to stop flicking through the pictures because he could hardly concentrate on what his other hand was doing, so he settled on a final one to help him finish; it wasn't particularly strategic but he was definitely grateful that he selected the one that he did. In it Spike was looking directly into the camera, allowing Ringo to gaze longingly into the rich brown of his eyes and how his dark lashes curled beautifully around them. He was shirtless with nothing but a necklace on, the same necklace that Ringo had seen him wearing in the record store and Ringo couldn't help feeling a sense of satisfaction that he'd seen it with his own eyes, as though it meant something. Deep down he knew that it didn't but his inebriated mind was latching onto it. The nudity in the photo was hardly interesting Ringo by this point, although it would be wrong to say that he completely ignored the flatness of his stomach or the faint shadows of his ribs beneath his pale skin, it was the personal aspect which truly affected him.

This wasn't just lust. Lust Ringo could understand, he could compartmentalise it and give into it without much shame or a second thought. If this was just lust, he would've bought the subscription without a care and touched himself looking at the nakedness of Spike's body as though it meant nothing more than a way to get off. Yet here he was on the brink of orgasm looking into another man's eyes, eyes that felt like they were looking straight back at him as though they were sharing this moment together. It wasn't hard to imagine Spike's hand in place of his own, those deep eyes watching Ringo come undone piece by piece. Ringo's hip began to stutter, his leg twitching a little as he had to drop the phone down onto his lap as his head fell back against his pillow as his orgasm approached. It wasn't the image of Spike's naked body that filled Ringo's mind as he came, it wasn't his arse or his cock or even his chest, it was his face, his voice, it was him.

Ringo lay breathless on his bed for a while, the clarity that arrived as his orgasm subsided wasn't welcome in the slightest and he was reluctant to pick his phone back up to see Spike's eyes looking at him once again. There was no use in feeling ashamed about it, no point in trying to deny it any longer: his feelings for Spike were more than a mere passing fancy, that was clear. Exactly what he was meant to do about these feelings was far from clear but that wasn't something Ringo could figure out right now with cum on his stomach and the daylight seeping through his bedroom curtains.

When he'd picked up his phone he'd closed all the apps immediately, doing his best not to catch a glimpse of what he'd been so eagerly looking at before. Just as he was about to step into the shower to clean himself off, his phone buzzed; he almost couldn't hear it over the music he was blasting out. It alerted him for a moment as though it was going to be a message from Spike stating he knew exactly what Ringo had just done - it wouldn't have really surprised him had that been the case, Spike's face almost always looked like he knew something that nobody else did - but fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, it was John.

        sooo how did the wank go

         who knows          but on a totally unrelated note im about to get into the shower

         well before you do that i have even more good news 

         can it not wait?

         NO because you might cum just at the thought of it and then youd be wasting a good shower

         well arent you considerate          and unnecessarily graphic

         thats me          anyway im taking you to the club next tuesday whether you like it or not

         im still waiting for the good news

         well if youd let me FINISH          next week theyre doing a special event and we just have to go          youll never guess what it is

         what is it?

         guess

         you just said ill never guess

         youre no fun

         WHAT IS IT

         alright alright keep your hair on          its a crossdressing event          high heels make up probably a few wigs all that good stuff

         im still waiting for the good news

         OH COME ON youre telling me you dont want to see spike in heels and fishnets with some lovely lipstick on

Ringo gulped. It wasn't a difficult image to conjure up his mind, considering he'd been staring at photos of Spike for the past twenty minutes and it excited him to say the least. He did want to see that, very much indeed.

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves

[zodiacrant]

Stereotypes explained:

Sagittarius

Bites more than they can chew: Sagittarius loves to explore and wants to learn from things but they prefer to go to the top and all the way instead of going slow and learn. So say if they play a new video game they’ll skip the tutorial and play the game on the highest level.

Word vomiting and doesn’t know their place: Sagittarius have a sense of ideals that people may not understand but they apply, so say they heard you talk about someone then in front of that someone you were acting nice they get angry because they feel lied to and manipulated. Sagittarius believes in the hard bitter truth over the sweet lies so they won’t change that just because you don’t feel so, however like any person they can violate other people’s space or privacy but they’ll understand and respect you if you tell them off.

They live in their own world in their head and think everything in there is the same as the entire world logic: aren’t we all? Expect they don’t shy away from it and may over confidently voice it.

Capricorn

Emotionless and cold: “the most ruthless were the most kindest “, something I believe is the case with many earth signs and especially Capricorns. It may seem like they don’t care but it’s mostly a defense mechanism which they use to make sure you’ll go all the way for them so they’ll show you their more intimate self.

Workaholics: Capricorns May be driven towards success but not all their goals and dreams are academic or typical kind of jobs. It may seem to some that all they care about is work but they just want to fulfill their dreams.

Boring: I never understand why some people describe a whole sign as “boring”. Just because they don’t want to party every night or sneak out at night or skip school doesn’t make someone boring. Just because they don’t want to do what you wanted or them having different interests doesn’t make them boring.

Aquarius

Would do anything to be different: we all want to be different in way or the other, however it seems this stereotype comes from either a place of misunderstanding or envy. Aquarius tend to have a lot of eccentric and bold appearance and very off the wall ideas so they tend to be interested in unconventional things like art, which lead them to be quite competitive and frustrated with people not understanding them or people trying to be “cool” by being unconventional and eccentric.

Doesn’t care about anything or anyone: it may come off as such but Aquarius cares a lot actually, from people who drive crazy to those who dont say thank you when you open the door Aquarius cares about a lot of things and how they affect the world and the bigger picture so it may not look like it but they very much do.

Uncompromising and doesn’t give people a second chance: Aquarius expects people to deliver when they ask them for something or they’re working with them, they up hold themselves and others to a standard where they have to make it work or not do it at all.

Pisces

Always daydreaming: I don’t know about this and I have never known a Pisces that daydreams a lot but I have met those who forget a lot, so for as far as I know they might be trying to remember something.

Weak and a sensitive snowflake: Pisces can be sweet but calling someone weak because they’re kind or considerate is a cheap shot.

A stoner: really! Do I need to explain why this one is wrong.

Aries

Angry and short tempered: Aries is a very chill person and if you see them angry often that means they either love you so they show you their emotions or hate you and you piss them off often

Strong headed and likes to be the best: as a cardinal sign Aries is prone to be competitive and wanting to win, however, it doesn’t necessarily means that Aries would tear people to be the best and that they have to. I don’t find being strong headed as a bad thing, I find as an asset that needs to be controlled.

Bullies and dictators: a very disgusting stereotype that was put on Aries, some would even hold them accountable for certain actions that were made by a certain asshole. Stop.

Taurus

Lazy and loves to eat a lot : one of the zodiacs most known stereotype, I actually find it very funny that a very hard working sign get to be called lazy for loving to relax, Taurus is a sign of habit but that doesn’t mean they sit on their ass eating all day in matter in fact most of the Tauruses that I know ended up being successful at a younger age and got their shit together earlier and faster than their counterparts so I find it quite ridiculous.

Hates change and rigid: Taurus is a very stable sign and get very comfortable when they’re happy in their position, however you haven’t lived until you saw a Taurus change up, they changed completely and I mean completely and I am not only talking hairstyles but also friends and styles and even jobs. Yes they hate change but when they do it’s like taking the ground and flip it upside down.

An asshole towards others and doesn’t respect other opinions: as a fixed sign Taurus doesn’t take apposition very lightly, but unless they ask you for your opinion they really don’t want to hear it and unless you’re better than them at that certain thing then they’ll never going to take your advice and move on and I actually like that about them.

Gemini

Always talks and doesn’t shut up: here we’re at the most hated sign. Gemini’s have a very quick yet short term thinking span so when they get excited or talk about something they let it all out so they won’t forget about it or get over, and personally I love someone who can hold a conversation with anyone since I find it difficult myself.

Two faced and cheaters: we need to pump the brakes on this one because it’s very disgusting to call someone these things because of their sign and people actually made a sport out of making fun of Gemini’s. Gemini loves to fly and doesn’t like to be stranded and settle when they think there’s something better for them and if you’re not then they’ll leave.I have never met a cheating Gemini, all of those that I have met are actually loyal to a fault, they stand up for their friends even when they know their friends are wrong, they even stay in a horrible relationship just because they don’t want to break someone heart and give respect to their relationship.

Liars and make stories up: I think we’re all guilty of adding spice or over exaggerated a certain event to make it more interesting but Gemini’s are terrible liars and that’s why they get caught when they do, however that doesn’t mean they’re all liars just because whoever the fuck said so on their page.

Cancer

Cry babies: Probably second to Gemini on the most known stereotype, I find cancer emotionaly intelligent which most people lack. Emotional doesn’t mean someone who always cry but rather someone who understands their emotions and can describe them very well so I don’t see them crying as weakness but rather a way of relief that I wish I had honestly

Always jealous: cancers are known for their protective behavior and sometimes it may come off possessive and that it comes from a place of Jealousy but they mean well as they tend to be fearful of their loved ones get harmed or hurt. In a relationship a cancer wants to be with their partner and experience things with them so they might have a fit if you’d leave them to hang out with someone else and yes they would be jealous over you since they love however it may come off as very ridcal and immature but if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be a pain in your ass

Insecure: just like with emotions cancers are open about their struggles and tend to express them early on more so than the other signs. Just like any person they might feel not good enough or that they’re a failure and so on, but cancers care a lot about making something to fullest. As a cardinal sign they feel insecurities very often and can’t help but express them since it’s in their nature.

Leo

Narcissistic and self centered: a big misconception about Leo’s that they’re self absorbed, think they’re the best and doesn’t think about anyone else, but actually they feel very much like the worst so they act like the best to help them feel otherwise. As of the narcissistic claims Leo’s might be proud but narcissism requires a whole different kind of doucheness, as a fixed sign Leo’s are stubborn and might come off as stuck up but it’s just their confidence and big personality.

Lazy and big procrastinators: like the lion Leo’s have their ways, they love to sleep and eat and chill but when it comes down to it they turn it out and go all the way.

Must be the queen B and demands attention: this one is very stupid in its self because they associate mean girls from movies to Leo’s and I honestly have no words

Virgo

OCD: this is a mental illness and many people get offended by this whether they’re Virgos or someone who actually suffers from OCD, and I don’t tolerate such insensitivities and inconsiderate behaviors.

Stuck up: this might come from Virgos love for success, as an earth sign Virgo might come off insensitive and monotoned but it’s just how they’re and they don’t mean it to come off as such , since all earth signs value work and this might be seen since they have a confident attitude.

The mean kid in school: just because they associate signs with certain movie stereotypes that doesn’t make it applicable to a whole sign.

Libra

Whores: why? No really why? This is very gagging and not in the good way. Just because they love to look good doesn’t mean they’re asking for it.

Manipulative: Libras calm nature and hate for confrontations and loudness make them look manipulative and doing something under the table when all they want is to get out of the situation

Sympathy seekers: Libras are known for their diplomatic approach and because most people are not sometimes they want to feel understood on how they want to be say both of their friends friend but keep out of their drama without looking bad

Scorpio

Any kind of criminal label you could think of: doesn’t need an explanation to see why it’s stupid and unnecessary.

Addicted to sex: sex is a very instinctive thing but we don’t need it. Addiction to sex suggest that there’s a problem hence the word addicted and so also with this I don’t need to explain this besides that people have sex with who they want so mind what’s going on in your pants and you’ll get a significant other instead worrying about others sex life

Satan: .............................what?

So these are all the big stereotypes I know there are more but I wanted the most known and the most disgusting so let me know about other stereotypes and tell me what do you think is the reason behind each stereotype.

(please follow and share your dirt on the signs ☕️. )

[digitalbounce-digitalsound]

Currently on the verge of a massive breakdown my guys 👌👌

Not only have my parents never accepted me for being Non-binary, I find out that as well as my mums being transphobic, my dad is a biphobe?

The thing is, I've been out as Bisexual to my parents (my birth mum and my dad) since I was 14. That's 9 years I've been out. They both didnt care when I first told them and makes sense yeah? I mean, my mum is gay, my step-mum is bisexual and my dad is a transvestite.

But both my mums are raging transphobes so when I came out as non-binary (well forced out in the middle of pride) they didnt take it well. Constantly using my birth pronouns, refusing to use my chosen name (Or even my chosen nickname that I have used specifically to make the transition easier for others) they misgender my trans friends and always look disgusted in me.

My birth mum has always gone out of her way to make me seem like a fucking trender when I came out, nothing changed, I've used the bi label for as long as I can remember and more recently, the trans and nb labels. She will go out of her way to say things like "oh, so you're bi now? I thought you were pansexual like, last week" or "but I thought you were gay" and with my gender identity shes worse saying shit like "if you were really trans you wouldnt wear this." "Your hair wouldnt look like that if you were trans."

What's worse about that is my step-mum joins in. My BISEXUAL step-mum joins in. And if I joke around calling her gay she gets assy. She seriously, to my face, calls my sexuality and gender made-up and then gets assy that I corrected her.

Now, I'm almost used to that kind of shit, I just dont see them often. Clears it right up. But now, I have nowhere to go.

My dad recently told me that he hates that my generation "complicated things" saying how back in his day there were only gay and straight, man and woman. (Not trying to think of all the historical examples I could have given him that he is blatantly wrong).

He said that bisexual is made up by straight people who want attention which is entirely untrue (even more so when you consider I'm a gay leaning bi)

And originally when I told him I was non-binary he straight up shouted at me and threatened me before saying to my face that I'm not allowed to do this because I'm just an attention seeker who is trying to be interesting 👌

My siblings are almost as bad. (More specifically my younger brother.) He has many cis friends, a couple trans and surprisingly enough, some enby friends. He uses their correct pronouns and names but he has said straight to me "I wont respect your pronouns because I dont want to." And yet he perfectly respects my friends pronouns?? I dont understand.

My older sister is not that bad. She is the only one in my immediate family that doesnt know but I think she has noticed something is off. She tries not to use my name and will just kind of gesture? But at this point I'm too scared to say anything because I know she'll probably just be like the rest of my family.

As a quick nudge, both my siblings are straight cis, I'm the only one that doesnt match either of those descriptions. It honestly does make me feel like I am that one fucked up sibling. I dont WANT to be different. I fucking dont! This is who I am and I cant help it. I hate that I'm different but shouting at me and being assholes isn't going to change that.

It's not just my sexuality and gender that they scrutinise either which makes this family feel less like a family and more like jailers.

I dont understand why I try to express myself anymore. My step-mum has said to my face before that my whole family (THE WHOLE FAMILY) didnt believe in me being able to go to uni. They all thought I would fail.

For years, since I was very young, I've been called a Hypochondriac for actually going (and wanting to go) to the doctors when I'm ill. To the point that since I was about 17 I've been terrified to go to the doctors because I never think I'm sick enough or that I shouldn't bother the doctors because there might not be anything wrong with me (this has led to me almost being hospitalized with major infections and health issues more than once)

I struggle to breathe 24/7 and yet I'm too scared to get help for it incase they put me on anything (which I know my dad will guilt me into throwing away which would be a waste of money).

I feel like no matter what I do they're never pleased at me. Those 6+ years I did of dance? My parents hated it so I changed to business and language. Those near 15+ years of music, singing (church choir as a soprano & alto and school choir as an alto) and instruments, my mum genuinely laughed at my music teacher in year 10 for asking if I'll be joining up with the choir again bc my mum thought I couldnt sing.

I like cosplay, making props and costumes (for over 4 years)? Mum tells me I'm shit at it and should put my time into something useful.

I like languages so start it as a degree doing Japanese, Korean and German with extra classes in Spanish and French? My dad turns horribly racist and makes jokes about languages and how they're useless, my mum tells me that languages is a stupid degree to do because there isn't any money in it unless I'm a teacher. (I'm going into translation)

It seems like whatever I do, it's never good enough. My siblings get all the praise and help but I get nothing. Currently, while I'm between my uni and an international uni, I'm homeless. I sleep on a mattress in the middle of my dads living room. I have no privacy and have to clean up their colossal hoarding messes to be allowed to stay. I have nowhere else to go and nearly all of my friends live up north where I belong. I have 2 friends down here and no money to do anything.

Honestly dont even know why I'm on this planet some times.

Sorry. Rant over. Anyone got any tips or whatnot, I'd really appreciate it.

-Killian.

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.