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ofmerrit · 3 years

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* ◜ kristine froseth , cis woman & she/her ◞ * according to school records , that’s merrit antonietta unn hornsby walking on campus grounds with their usual iced-americano from the ancient grounds cafe . they’re known for their long , dark blonde locks outshining their surprisingly tall figure and are often spotted at the versailles garden reading wild geese by mary oliver . almost everyone knows their family is worth like 1.2 billion dollars , so we suspect they’re a member of olympus , you know , the one for old money . do you know where they were the night that the scholarship student died ? they claim they were touring around the campus for inspiration , must be an architecture major thing , right . and hey , don’t you agree that the sophomore reminds you of muffled screams into silk pillows , the bellyache you get after doing something wrong & vacant smiles ? you better watch out h e s t i a before something dangerous happens to you and life ends at twenty-two . * ◜ barb , twenty-two , gmt +3 & she / her ◞ *

alright alright . it’s me , wrinkle free brain bar from gmt +3 !! so pumped to be here w you sexies mwah <3 here’s merrit’s pinterest board if you’re interested ( pls im a virgo n pinterest addict .. lemme make boards for our muses .. id d*e ! ) imma . bore u to de*th w this intro pls .. forgive me .. i only hav 2 brain cells , this is all over the place HDFJK rip </3 tw: kidnapping, death.

starting w the boring statistics : full name: merrit antonietta ‘antonia’ unn hornsby nicknames: mer, antonia, ant, tbc. code name: hestia ; the goddess of hearth , the family , the state & the domesticity. star sign: libra sun , virgo moon , scorpio rising. sexuality: bisexual. favourite literature piece: wild geese by mary oliver , an anthology . “meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of things.”

merrit is the only child of the young hornsby couple. she doesn’t remember much of her childhood, according to her grandma, she was the happiest kid. had everything she could ever ask for and more.

the reason why merrit can’t remember any of this is the beginning of a tragedy — a stormy december night, she and her parents went missing. grandma says they were gone for over five months. a kidnapping case gone cold, they thought. right when the old couple was giving up on them, an angel from above delivered antonia to their door step. malnourished, void of any memory but alive.

life after losing her parents was easier than expected, grandma hornsby ( nee du pont ) made sure merrit would recover from this without any trauma & in a way, she did.

doesn’t have the best relationship with her grandpa, he’s harsh and cranky and too smart for his own good, merrit is lowkey afraid of him lmfao

she’s currently studying architecture — her dream major was interior design but grandpa encouraged her to pursue architecture to follow her father’s footsteps. kinda made sense because she’s fascinated by houses .. in reality the insides, the families living there are the real source of interest for her but she’s happy to settle for outside for now gshdjkf

personality stuff !!!

uMM.... i’d say she’s lowkey a people pleaser sdhjkf like ?? making her grandparents proud is . literally the only thing she’s ever wanted in this world n now she feels the same responsibility for every single soul in her life . a torturous existence if you ask me

can’t say no <3 if she thinks its gonna make u feel a tiny bit better . boom . she’s in .

the friend you’d call to bury a body . no questions asked . she’s pickin up the shovel as you speak asdghfjk unless it’s between her grandparents n you, then *michael scott vc* how the turntables.... sdhjfk shes rattin u out instantly rip

LOVES to talk n listen . fills her heart with joy . a blabbermouth .

an overachiever . doesn’t sleep much, rocks the dark circles 7/24 lmfao works bc doesn’t like the idea of .. wasting life if that makes sense ??

loyal 2 a fault. mostly to olympus. wld do anything to stay in the secret society / establish her place .

extremely gentle n caring . sometimes ?? its just . too much sdjkf like. tone it down <3

likes poetry ,, especially mary oliver n louise glück ! her fav poem is the orange by wendy cope.

i imagine her wearing flowy, tulle dresses with floral embroidery or vintage pieces idk

has shit ton of plants but struggles to keep them alive rip

!!! im . terrible at explaining her fr i hate it here ok i hav a vision but ??? i cant explain it

safe 2 say shes having difficulty deciding who she’s supposed to be . a part of her wants to be the golden child for her grandparents n the other side .. jst wants to live her life y’know ???

UPDATE ! i’ve realised that by hiding her secret, i also unintentionally hid a big portion of her personality and she comes across as the typical, soft & gentle soul. don’t get me wrong, she is indeed gentle and soft but she’s also volatile and deceitful !

connection ideas !!!

childhood friends - except she doesn’t remember any of it. maybe your muse thinks she’s changed. maybe they don’t care. maybe they are no longer friends . idk

penpals - seriously ??? i imagine her as someone who writes letters jst bc they’re nostalgic n cute ??? cld be fun.

a home - i kno home’s not a person but a feeling but tell that to merrit lmao. this person’s probably the only one in the whole damn world she’d choose over her grandparents. platonic or romantic, doesn’t matter.

betrothed - super old school yikes. nt exactly betrothed either .. maybe her grandma thot it’d be better if these two were in a relationship . maybe they remained as friends . maybe they hated each other . maybe they kept the publicity stunt ( cue 2 merrit begging to keep faking the rel so her grandpa wld be happy )

exes - a classic. ts this is me trying vibes . on good or bad terms . lingering feelings ? yes please .

bad + good influence - again, classic sdhjfk

saw u at the garden but cldn’t say hi bc i’m a dumb binch - basically someone she has a minor, unrequited crush on. probably knows this person through her other friends but she’s too damn timid to take the first step

a friend from labyrinth . ok hear me out . this is a big deal for her bc she’s all in for her society n v opposed to the idea of a second one even existing . wouldn’t say shes openly mean or .. rude to labyrinth members but ?? jst . wants to protect her own , so this would be a v secret friendship .

a project - could say she has some sort of a savior complex . wants to ‘fix’ people up .. toxic much, mer? <3 anyway ashdjk maybe she thinks .. she can change your muse ? i truly dont know.

ok final one . its juicy . someone who’s suspicious of her . she has a secret n for the obv reason i didn’t talk abt it, your muse’s suspicious n it’s just . hashtag awkward

these r the only connection ideas i have rn my brain said get tht fire exit door im off im so sorry forgive moi bUT im a sucker for angst : ) so theres that

something inspired by my queen n savior phoebe bridgers or . folklore ?? yeah.

give me noora / william vibes . the ex friends . the dan / blair dynamic . i live for them ok sgdhfjkl

#hqcruel.intro #oke im bit late .. or early idk asdhfkls #no proof reading <3 if u spot stuff .#baby im nt even here . im a hallucination #sdghjfk .. so bad . le shité . i did this . for what ??#tw kidnapping #tw death #intro.

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blue-eyedangel21 · 4 years

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I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr. I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently. And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now. I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation. But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side. You say I can't handle yours when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem. But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship. You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it. So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least 2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least. And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian? I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter, and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face. I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed. But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship. Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships. So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend. I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul. I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully. When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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Hi... I don’t know if you saw my last post, it’s ok if you didn’t, i just want to vent. (I was the closeted person who said they might move in with their grandma if I can’t go back to San Francisco). I visited her today. I realized there’s no way I can move in there. Her (now dead) husband was very abusive and inappropriate towards me. I forgot that she would have photos of him on the walls. She kept taking about him too. It was very triggering for me. :( there’s no way I can do it.

hey yeah god i just scrolled and saw your message, im so sorry i didn’t get back to you sooner !! and that you’re being put in this situation in the first place like fuck dude 😞 i honestly cant imagine how painful this must be right now 😞 i dont blame you at all for not being able to handle living there, like you literally shouldn’t have to?? it’s a site of trauma AND you deserve much more than having to deal with a homophobe every day, seriously. it’s fucked up that your grandma would keep bringing him up. god. i can definitely relate to that. family bonds are just so unbelievably toxic and suffocating at times. you said in your other ask that you could stay with your mum but i understand why that’s not ideal either, however i really don’t think there’s any shame in prioritizing your mental health and safety above all else. even if neither option is exactly preferred. COVID really does have all of us fucked up, especially when it comes to planning our futures or moving around our countries, because there’s just no way to know how things are going to turn out. so i promise it’s alright not to have a plan and to process anger, sadness, disappointment etc at the situation, it’s completely natural. this is going to be a long and arduous period of adjustment in which obstacles are to be expected, both personally and generally. as long as you try your best not to internalize these negative feelings in a way that harms or blames you, then you’re doing better than you realize. instead, i think practicing small but positive coping mechanisms every day and building your routine around them could really help - finding a happy place, meditating, breathing exercises, venting to friends/a hotline/a professional, writing. these aren’t solutions or anything, just ways to alleviate the heaviness. you truly do not have to go through this alone, and it’s not going to be this way forever, alright? you’ll find your new normal again. regardless of what your mind tells you or of how stressed you get, you are worth the world and your past/your abusive family members do not change that fact. i promise. as a side note, i’m wondering if theres any friends you can stay with, or any rooms currently up for rent in your area? i totally understand if you don’t have the funds or the resources etc, but if it’s something you could look into i’d really recommend it, just to have your own space and peace of mind. but if not and if you’re going to be staying with your mum for a while, maybe you could save up for a mattress and start making adjustments/room for yourself so that you’re more comfortable there. idk what your dynamic is like with your mum, but you deserve to feel safe and to have a place to live while the pandemic plays out. it’s totally understandable that you’re completely overwhelmed and that you feel like you’re at your wits end right now. you’ve been through so much and had to deal with stuff no one should ever have to deal with, and i mean it in the least patronizing way when i say i’m v proud of you for being here to send this. your grandmother can fuck off❤️ whatever you need, for your own growth and mental stability, whatever that looks like - it’s possible to find. even if it doesn’t happen all at once. im sending you a lot of love, i really hope you can sort something out that works for you. if you need a friend please dont hesitate to hmu. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love x

#anon

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blushers · 5 years

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i treat this tumblr like a diary so that’s why i spew lots of thing about my life here so. just wanted yall to know.

i went to see the surgeon today because it’s been a day after my surgery and like, can i just say that it was probably the most life changing thing that’s happen to me.

first of all my tiny tiddies are like!!! not sagging like a grandmas!! But truly i have always had small sagging boobs so lets fucking GOOOO. they are perfect & i love them in all their perky tiny glory.

and then i saw my stomach and i have never felt so....like in another planet. mind you, for as long as i lived ive had the biggest stomach. i never was able to even see my belly button. just seeing it...flat...was insane and wild and i wont forget that moment.

i just cant believe how long ive wanted this, how much work i put into it, and how it makes me feel...hopeful? and proud of myself.

im sorry i know im going on and on about this but today is the first day in my life i felt happy and positive about my body and it’s nice. i needed that <3

#weight tw

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7wanderingpaws · 6 years

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Home arrest. (Jinyoung)

Another request yay!

This came quickly so I hope it will still be enjoyable. Please let me know what you think and thank you for reading <3 Have a great Friday and weekend!

Request: - - - Jinyoung x reader - - - (University AU)

The world was an unfair place - that was a fact you knew for a long time being a university student and seeing all the possible disadvantages, etc. However, you could have sworn this one was the worst one out of your entire student life.

“What do you mean you cannot go?” asked your best friend, Nabi. She had this long, black hair that shined beautifully even in the dull lighting of the student cafeteria. She grabbed her iced americano and took a cute sip.

You took off the lid of your hot americano and straight away took one sip. It burned but who gave a damn?! Nabi was about to say something but she almost choked on her own gulp. You swallowed, momentarily dizzy from the burning coffee going down your throat. “Because I have to go to see grandma in the counryside.”

“But can't you postpone it? Come one day later? And that is literally on the other side of the country, Y/N. Changwon is ages away.”

“You know how my father is,” you said, defeated. Besides, you were in quite the trouble at home, being “locked up”. Your father was a very authoritative person that strongly believed in confucianism, therefore there was nothing you could do against him. Yet, you did come home very drunk and very noisy after you managed to nail some hard exams with high scores two days ago. It was like the end of the world at home, but, oh well, you were here feeling very alive.

Nabi made a grimace but didn't dare to comment anymore once the topic turned your father.

Anyway, you were so ashamed about this fact (you being drunk and then you being “imprisoned in your own home”) that you ended up avoiding your boyfriend Jinyoung. And it was his graduation that you could not attend which broke your heart.

As you were just about to continue with complaints, your KakaoTalk dinged. Not wanting to take it right away, you ignored it when another ding came in. Then another one, then another one. You frowned and looked at Nabi but she was staring at something behind you. Who was i-

“Oh, there you are!” said Jinyoung cheerfully, pushing his phone into his pocket and appearing in your eye sight next to your chair. Nabi had heart eyes and you were trying to stop your heart from beating too frantically. “I was looking for you everywhere, sweetheart. Hey Nabi,” he sent her a charming smile. Nabi covered her face, all red.

That “sweetheart” nickname made you want to cry. “What are you doing here?”

“I finished my meeting sooner than I thought, so now we can be together as much as possible,” he said, his voice slightly raspy. He leaned in, supporting himself with one hand on the table and the other one on your chair. “And you are free now as well, considering your successful exam season.”

You swallowed and didn't dare to look him in the eye. “I actually have to go now.” Before he could even realise it, you were pushing him aside and trying to get up. “I desparately have to be somewhere right now.”

“Oh, yes, you forgot about your media meeting again, didn't you?” Nabi played along, nodding.

Jinyoung looked quite like the confused puppy. His head was turning once to Nabi, once to you, but you were already packing your bag, throwing it over your head. “Wait, Y/N, what media meeting? You're not a media student... Bye Nabi!” he shouted behind his shoulder as you made your way out of the cafeteria. “We should talk about tomorrow.”

Oh no. “Sorry, babe, maybe later? This is pretty urgent,” you said in a monotone voice, not even looking at him. “Catch you later.” You started to jog.

“Y/N!” he said louder, but didn't follow you anymore. He stayed there, laughing in disbelief at what just happened. Usually, you would throw yourself around his neck, giving him a loving peck on the cheek and never leaving his side. And now you looked so panicked for some strange reason.

Obviously, you did not have any media meeting. You took the metro line 9 to your house in Gimpo. Once safely home, you were met with delicious scents coming from the kitchen but even now you didn't feel like eating.

“Y/N? Are you home?” screamed your mum from the kitchen.

“Yes, I am.” Taking off your shoes, you almost stumbled over. “Oh, for God's sake,” you murmured, very inrritated.

“What did you say, dear?”

“Oh, nothing. I am home, continuing my home arrest.”

Your mum appeared from the kitchen, looking down the corridor. A typical house-wife, she had her dress and apron on her. “How was it today?”

“I don't want to talk about it,” you said as you went into your room. Your phone was blowing up but you had no guts to answer Jinyoung.

Your mother sighed, worried. “Alright, get your things ready, we are leaving soon for Changwon.”

---

Me (05:58am): Jinyoung, I cant make it today, please dont worry and enjoy it to the fullest. I am sorry

Done. He now was informed that you won't make it and you could just lie in this old bed at your grandmother's and think about the meaning of life... Truthfully, you were so unbelievably irritated, so annoyed and disappointed, you just kept shedding unhappy tears.

Especially the fact that your grandmother lived in Changwon, yours and Jinyoung's birthplace. A place where your friendship and later love began. It made you feel this silly bittersweet emotions that were useless.

Your phone beeped once again but you just got up, knowing well that you couldn't afford staying in bed.

Hard work in the farm began.

---

Three days later, you were back in Seoul. It was very late and you were very tired. You did manage to talk a little bit on the phone with your beloved Jinyoung, but he knew all too well that for some strange reason you were trying to avoid him. He wanted to know why. He wanted to know what happened. It was hurting him so much that you were ignoring him and walking around the issue when he thought you are aware you could tell him anything.

He cared about you so much. He was worried sick you hurt yourself when you fell on that bicycle trip you two took, he hated when he saw you cry for any reason unless it was out of happiness, he was uneasy when he knew you had to face stressful situations and couldn't be there to accompany you. . . He didn't think you were a child or dependent on him, no. He simply, plainly loved you, adored you and wanted to make sure his love is always feeling good and comfortable.

That's why he found himself in the darkness, right in front of your house. It was all silent, your parents probably asleep at this hour. But he knew you would be awake. The tiny light from your nightstand lamp said it all.

Jinyoung was certainly an athletic type, having competed in a few baseball games and much more football games for the university team. He grasped the ladder that your father put there after working in the little garden you had and pulled himself up, making sure no noise was made.

Back in your room, you were neatly folding your clothes, unpacking your tiny suitcase you brought to Changwon. Silent music was coming from your laptop until you heard your phone beep with a message.

You sighed, knowing well who it was but you still took it, reading the message without unlocking your phone.

My love (23:46pm): Open your window

You tried not to panic as your head snapped up looking straight into Jinyoung's eyes. Behind the window. He was balancing, barely managing and you took in a sharp breath immediately dropping the lovely summer dress you had in your hands. You unlocked the window and opened it, grabbing Jinyoung's arm and pulling him forcefully inside, until both of you fell on the floor, him on top of you. Yay, long live the clichés!

You were breathing heavily. “What are you doing here?” you whispered loudly. His eyes bored into you, they seemed so lost and yet so happy to see you after one week of constant avoidance. He pressed his lips to yours hurrily without giving any answer and you immediately gave in, closing your eyes and finally wrapping your arms around his neck. You were trying to pull him as close as it was physically possible.

After a heated three-minute make-out session, you became rather uncomfortable on the floor and squirmed under him.

“No,” said Jinyoung strictly, making you freeze. “You are not going to escape me this time.”

Your chest was going up and down. “What.”

“Why were you avoiding me? What happened?”

“Jinyoung, if my father finds you here-”

“Answer me.”

“He is going to kil-”

“Goddamit, what is wrong?” he said, a bit louder which made you slap your hand onto his mouth. He grinned cheekily and said, muffled: “I will talk louder to wake your father up if you don't answer me right now, Y/N.”

You closed your eyes again, praying for two seconds. “I can't tell you.”

He frowned. No answer came to his mind.

“I cannot tell you, because I am ashamed about it.”

Now he forgot about his little threat and sat up properly, finally letting you breathe. “Did you do something?”

“I...”

“You didn't attend my graduation. You were one of the only people I was hoping to share this memory with, are you aware of it?” Jinyoung's face was torn apart and still managed to look authoritative. “Are you?” he asked again.

“Im so, so sorry,” you lowered your head. “I truly am, Jinyoung.”

“I need a reason.”

“There is no-”

“Tell me right now. Or else,” he started to take in a big amount of breath, ready to shout to wake your father up. Ugh, what a freaking savage tease!!!

“Okay, okay, okay, just shut up,” you said pressing your index finger to his lips. He smirked and gave your finger a kiss. “I am in a home arrest kind of thing and I was ashamed about it so I didn't want to tell you. That last day at uni I was not going to a meeting but home.”

“What? You were in a home arrest?”

“Shhhhhh, don't talk so loudly!” you scream-whispered.

“But you are old enough to take care of yourself now.”

You sighed. “I know, but my father doesn't think that. Anyway, this is the truth, now get out before he discovers you here.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “I don't care. I already spent too much time without you.”

You sighed as he hugged you once again, rocking you from side to side. Suddenly, the entire thing became so absurd for you; you were now ashamed for being ashamed.

“I have an idea,” whispered Jinyoung and pulled away just a little bit so he could see your eyes. “What about spending the summer in Changwon? Your grandmother would be over the moon and so would be your parents. You barely see her anymore, ever since we moved up to Seoul.”

You blinked, stunned at how good that idea sounded. A few seconds of considering, and you both were chuckling. “I'd love that.”

He let out a breathy laugh and leaned in to kiss you, combing your hair out of his way. “Then I guess we have one hell of a great summer coming up.”

#got7 #got7 jinyoung #got7 park jinyoung #park jinyoung #got7 drabble #got7 scenario #got7 fluff #got7 mark #got7 jb #got7 jackson #got7 youngjae #got7 bambam #got7 yugyeom #got7 jinyoung imagine #got7 imagines #my writings

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ot5 · 6 years

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@tllthesundies HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH!!!🎉💖🌸💞🎂✨💌💖💞💗🎊🎉🍾💗🎂💕💖✨🎊💖🌹🍾🎉💘💕💌🌻❤️✨🌷💞🎉❤️💝🎂💘

so for this special occasion i used my amazing photoshop paint skills to make u this taylourry manip since there’s an unfortunate lack of those:/ they’re baking you three (3) cakes how great is that😫 louis, of course, asked ‘how do you whisk’ all three times and taylor n harry just shared a look and fondly rolled their eyes at him. i like to imagine they were singing along to britney classics and also laughing about how louis’ album and lyrics will shake us to our core bc they live for that drama👀 and cant wait to watch us freak out. of course at some point louis started throwing flour at taylor &harry which ended up in a messy kitchen fight.

thanks for reading my mini taylourry fic excuse the lack of angst i kno you live for that shit but anyways as i was saying, happy birthday bith! i hope u have a great one!! i cant believe you've turned 20 today🤧 you were already settling down at the old age of 19 an now you’re entering the final Grandma stage *kylie jenner dabbing tears.gif* as an og violin i feel blessed to have followed ur journey and watched you grow up & to have experienced ur crazy crackhead days which i lowkey miss sometimes it was truly a blast with ur shit posts and you saying things that still haunt me in my sleep. since im getting Sentimental™ you know what else i miss in this chilis today? you getting asks & Interacting on here bc i recall thats what started my soft spot for u. you’re [louis voice] genuinely Genuinely one of the sweetest people ive seen on here like everytime you called someone crouton or replied with a row of heart emoji’s my heart grew 10 sizes bigger💗💗 i hate that my memory is shit and there’s no blog/archive anymore(rip in pieces we’ll get to that later) that i can search thru for those Receipts but i know not one (1) mean word has ever left your mouth, or keybord in this case, those are the Facts #confirmed by me! even back in the day when i was blissfully unaware of any drama and this hellsite was just a happy place u still stood out to me bc when you answered asks or whatever you were just so nice! kind! and sweet! and funny too i feel like u raised me on memes (i also appreciate that u tolerate me w my crusty sense of humor and memes from 2013) and tbh when i saw you were younger than me i was Shook bc you felt like an older sister to me with wise words and just this calm&kind presence on tumblr dot com where everyone always takes offense u were idk the word..... rational/nuanced/patient/understanding? ive thought it many times before but if everyone here were a bit more like you this place would be a nice valley filled with blossoming flowers sawying in a gentle breeze on a warm spring day🌻🌷🌸 (i know u prefer fall so u can represent a Quality Leaf too if u want and i’ll ship you w niall #neaf) anyway as my melancholic ass was saying, i sometimes miss @harryandlouisofficial /harryandlouisau? idk you’ve had your fair share of changes(as i was searching through my own blog for a certain pic i came across some deactivated urls that i think were yours lsdknvds) but that harryandlouis brand™ was truly You and just such a familiarity on my dash and tbh if i come across any blogs that start w harryandlouis im always side eyeing them for that copyright infringement of intellectual property. Even before we really started talking i already felt like i knew you bc you were always....out there...talking, yellin n sprouting bullshit which was [me as that gif of pam from the office tearing up] beautiful😫 like i didnt even know about the existence of the vampire diaries but u were practically screaming about it on a daily basis and lowkey got me to crush on nina dobrev bc of it also ur love for tom odell, soup, domestic hl, Angst, the midnight memories album, that purple suit harry wore to the late late show, birdy, those literature ppl whose names im not even gonna bother with, and of course taylourry & how do you whisk, they’re all filed under ‘Things That Belong To Violet’ and i kno yelling about thing or reblogging ask memes or doing those tag things doesnt go with ur Brand but i wish it did bc there’s so much i wanna know or ask or just see what you think about things👀 u could make a post saying ‘potato’ and eventho id disagree id still be over here giving a standing ovation

this is getting long im so sorry snlkdfnsld i was going somewhere but im kinda losing the plot. So anyhow the point was that ur an angel! and idk also intimidating to me back in the day? ive sent my fair share of anons (nice ones of course nskldnsf) and i vaguely rmr asking for advice a few times too and you were always so kind n wonderful🤧 and then one day i sent smth nice off anon and you followed me back even with the ugly ass url i had back then lfnvslknsd bless you and now here we are:) so i love getting sentimental and reminiscing about the old days but also know that i admire u for jus deleting and starting afresh! kween of rebranding!👏👏 and this tiddiesundays era feels like ur a professional business woman or maybe more like a professional writer who has that clean & calm aesthetic down to a T and i might’ve turned notifs on so i wont miss that one quality (1) post per day sdlknlksdn i love showing my Love thru liking and rb’ing a lot so you make it hard on me sometimes(rmr when we were each other biggest fans? good times😫) but jus kno my heart’s still beating the same yes thats a sad attempt at a oial ref bc that is also filed under the things that belong to u. i dont wanna like, overwhelm? you bc im sometimes afraid ill b too much but know that im always out here rooting for u &hoping that ur doing great bc this bitch has a lot of love and adoration for u!!💗 i know some v sweet people on here but you are just.....on another level like just your presence here clears my skin and puts a big smile on my face esp when u drag me or vice versa for having certain Opinons (like the 1d album or song discourse) dont @ me but ur truly one of my favorite people. One day when you give me the go ahead im gonna send you that card/letter and i’ll get even sappier (yes thats possible!) i was gonna wish you a sunny day but for some reason u love rain so...i hope it rains:’) or else you can move your ass over here so at least one of us can appreciate the dutch weather also i would toast to you but i think ur still not legally allowed to drink which is also a reason to get ur ass over here bc i feel like you’d be a blast to get drunk with (also shout out to you for indulging me in my wine aunt moments u were truly there for me when no one else was🤧came thru with lyrics to tmh bops faster than lightning ill never forget that!) so to conclude this Essay i lov u & hope u have an amazing birthday *serenades you with tom odell songs*💗💕💖💘💗💕💖💝💗💞💘💕💞💖💕💗💝💖💘💞💕💗

#*cracks knuckles* HERE WE GO #u better make yourself a cup of tea and get some snacks this is gonna be a long ride #i feel like i had a clear outline of things i wanted to say but ended up forgetting all of that and instead we got.......this #this MESS violet sweetie im so sorry #i kno this is v Extra already but im gonna be highkey annoyed with myself if tomorrow something pops in my head like shoot i forgot to #mention that! so i might add to the tagsnslkdnvdls idk i love an excuse to show all my love and appreciation😫 and this is IT #also im sorry for being so late this took me a While bc im incapable of simple cutting n pasting in paint or putting my thoughts into words #me: i need to stop this is Too Much #also me: but is it enough?

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sexxxlovemusic-blog · 6 years

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Screaming.....

I really dont understand what is going through my head, because it's seriously nothing.... at all!! yet I feel like I want to cry all the time. And I come home to your arms and it all goes away. I'm going to start these stupid pills again, maybe if they make me sick my mind will understand that I'm okay and dont need them or something so I can stop having this constant war in my head. Fuck I have such a headache.... and all I want is the day to be over so I can fall asleep in your arms, even though I just woke up not to long ago.....

I just want it all to be over in my head. I wish help was more affordable. I could probably really use someone to talk to so I can get over everything from my past. I just want to be completely happy. I want my mind to just stop putting me in a dark place even though nothing is currently wrong. Everything is amazing right now, I live on my own with my one and only true love, I have a family and a job and a couple friends I can count on but dont see often enough... Yet i guess i just dont feel good enough to be a part of it all.. my mind makes me feel like a waste of space or waste of time.....

The other day I got a flower from my man, as I look at it now I feel happier and I know for a fact I am loved. And.... like I said.... everything is fine! So, why does my head hurt and not feel fine? I want it to go away!!!! I want to lift this darkness off my shoulders and just watch it disappear forever. Hmmm... maybe I've got like..... a personality disorder or some shit like that. My mind seriously takes me out of anything and just sticks me in a hole of bad and horrible things. And I can be perfectly fine the next day. And just keep jumping in and out of this hole multiple times through the week........ And I feel like I'd bother anyone if I say another word about not being happy when I truly have nothing to complain about....

So here is my rant of nothingness. Meh.... I know I reminisce about the past a little to much, yeah I miss my past friends and wish I could go back for some things to keep..... like my mom for sure is the biggest one.... And there is a big reason why these "friends" aren't in my life anymore and I just need to move on... I know that's not a healthy thing to do and I just need to keep looking at my future and stop turning back...... But my future scares me, I dont know where I'm going to end up, or how bad im going to mess up, if im going to end up with a cute family of my own, or if my kids are going to hate me, or if im even going to have kids........

Will I end up alone and be grumpy like my dad? Or will I end up traveling the world like I dream of doing and have the brightest of days? Or will life get the best of me at a young age like my mom....... It's so scary to think about.

I hate not knowing... And living in the moment is kinda a drag for me, doing the same thing every day, work, sleep, eat, clean, have sex once in a while, the most amazing sex I've ever had. Haha! But, yeah, idk, mostly the same things every day. Maybe I should get into drawing again. Or writing even... even though i am not good at them in any way shape or form. Haha. There's a reason why i almost failed every class i took ever. I want to see something new, go somewhere i haven't been.

Maybe this vacation next week, instead of going somewhere that'll make me sad, maybe we can go to something new. Granted, this place that makes me sad, it also has some of the best memories, it's my childhood, it's my family, its.......not there anymore.......

And now I'm crying...... oh how I wish it was still there..... How I wish my family reunions were still there, how I wish my man could meet all the people who are now gone forever....... The people who I truly loved most, the ones my dad got alone with, my dad doesn't like who's left as much as the ones who are gone.... I'm not close with the family that I have now. I'm the outcast and I know at least a couple who might be judging me for my decisions.... And all the people that are gone were the outcasts too...... my mom, the gay uncle who gave us the best times at the park, my.... great aunt?? I cant remember, but she was so sweet and lovable and cute and always took care of me when I fell as a kid, when she was gone, the house was gone thanks to her nasty daughter...... Then there's all the others who taught me how to play golf which is the closest thing I now have with my dad...... I'm pretty sure every single one is gone now......

I haven't seen any of them in I think over 10 years now..... sigh....... I wish I could go back and just see them all once more and give them all the biggest hug, I was just a kid back then and never got to tell them all goodbye....... I wish I could walk through our house again, play slapjack in the living room and watch the old VHS movies I'd bring every year...... I wish we could go looking for arrowheads again, and pet the horses or play horseshoes even..... listen to the heavy rains in the trailer. Or be huddled up close to everyone in the house as it hailed..... Listen to my grandpas stories again and pay better attention to them, I was the stupid child who always had headphones in while in the car so I didn't listen........or I wish I could play poker with him and my cousins again... I need to go visit him and grandma soon...... He can hardly talk or walk anymore so his stories are all with him now..... God damn.......

......There's just so much, my family was big and I took it for granted, I thought I'd have so much more time, and now it's not so much and it's going to be separated even more...... I just feel like I didn't get enough time with anyone...... I didn't get as many hugs as I wanted. And I know they are gone and there is nothing I can do.... but I wish there was...... just for a split moment even...... its just to hard for me not to think about them all...... I miss it all so much..... They need to come back.....

So hey..... that's where my head is..... I can probably keep going but this post is already long enough...... I am totally fine in the moment, but my past and my future have me in a turmoil in my mind.... there is to much I wish I could have back.... And to be with them again requires death, which I'm not quite ready for.....

I am pretty, I am strong, and everything is fine in the moment.... for the most part.. I'm gonna go cry for a while before work, then I'll pretend like I'm okay and put that fake smile on my face for the hours I am there. Then who knows..... Come home and cry some more in your arms. Or maybe I'll be okay, we shall see I guess...

I'm sorry this is such a long post. But I just needed to post something. And.... well.... this is it..... Thanks....

#family #mental disorder #mental health #i miss you #love #depression #memories #future

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tottopipichi · 3 years

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Happy 5th Monthsary, my Love.

Isnt it incredible that its already been 5 months of us being together as a team? i still remember the times where we were abit awkward with each other in texts and our first date at Kallang.

now looking back, its been extraordinary for the both of us. we changed and adapt to how different we both are, giving in and changing our lifestyles while on the way too. you have sacrificed so much for me and for that, u deserve a standing ovation as the best girlfriend and my deepest love.

if i could give u the world for every time u make me feel loved and special, u would already have a universe for urself. u are such a selfless person yknow. u buy me gifts, sacrifice ur time, work hard to spend on me and change ur daily routine just so u can fit on mine. for that, i am truly grateful to have found such a remarkable woman in my life.

i know recently, things have not been smooth sailing. we fought, u quarrel with ur mom and sis and the recent passing of ur grandma. im sorry to hear of this saddening news but i know u are stronger that what u are built for. u can do this baby. i know u can. i admire ur strength even tho u want to give up on the darkest times, u didnt. and u shouldnt give up.

for all the times u made me smile, thank u. the times we laugh hysterically in public, thank u. everything u did to make me feel like the most loved man on earth, thank u. its been only 5 months and i feel we met for a year already.

tho 5 months is a pretty short time, we went thru so much together and giving new experiences a shot as well. i have mever regretted telling u how much i love u and making u my girlfriend. u are so amazing and no one has ever loved me like how u do and u accepted my flaws that people cant tolerate. u erase my insecurities and replaced them with a kind and caring touch.

i cant wait for what the future has install, but im sure its a good rollercoaster. i hope u remember that we are a team and we are in this together. u and me, thats all we need. i cant wait to unfold our future together. i will work as hard as u are studying so we can make it easier in the future, insyaallah. i love u so much and i know u know that baby! u know im always here! only 8 numbers or 6 numbers away! happy 5th monthsary and i cant wait to see u on thursday!

pls remember to rest well and also take care of ur health since the weather is haywire! i love u baby!

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harryff · 7 years

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Chapter 2 Aria Part 1.

Trigger warning: Sexual assault, domestic abuse. Please call the 1−800−799−7233 if you have suffered from any abuse.

In the next upcoming months Aria and Harry reconnected. Her album was to be released soon but she longed to go back to the days she sang background for the band.

Laying in bed she remembered the day Liam and Harry got into a fight over whose part she will sing along with and somehow she managed to appease them both. It was the first time Harry truly noticed her as he tells it to people.

It was currently 10pm in New York which meant it was 3am in Manchester where Harry was working on his album. Aria was supposed to be asleep instead her mind raced filled with anxiety she couldn’t relax instead her thoughts took her to the worst possible outcomes for performance the next day. To help pass time she texted him

Aria: I miss you big head lol😚😙😋

Aria: I can’t sleep😣😣😓😓☹

Aria: I wish I could call you but you’re sleeping beauty and you definitely need 6 hours of sleep at least or youll be evil lol 😴😴😴

Aria: Remember the time i made you stay up for 24 hours and you were grumpy the whole day and I had to make it up 😉😂

Aria: I have to perform tomorrow. I don’t want to. I’d much rather go back to the good old days where no one knew I existed

Aria: I still laugh at the memories of you falling on stage…. clumsy prince

Aria: I’m gonna have diarrhea tomorrow theres no way I’m gonna survive

Aria: Sorry TMI 🙊

Aria: Since I cant bug you you’ll wake up to like 20 texts. 😜

Aria: she sent picture of her sleeping with the teddy bear he got her 2 years ago

Aria: Me and Mr. H miss you

Aria: I had to give him surgery awhile back. Roxy the little shit ripped his eye out. I almost cried 😢😢😢

Aria: Imagine me a grown woman crying over a stuffed animal. 😂😭😭😭

Aria: I went into panic mode!! That was not a contingency I planned for she just bit his eye and yanked it out! Then she starts running with it! In her mouth! Chewing it! I never truly knew what panic was till that moment!😲😲😲

Aria: Damn dog😒😒😒

Aria: Arent you supposed to be up running? It’s 3

Aria: I miss you again

Aria: I don’t want to perform Harry

Aria: Will you be disappointed in me if I quit?

Aria: Will you call when you wake up?

When Harry woke up at 5am his time he read the texts laughing she was definitely panicking her nerves were getting to her because she was a chatter box.

He called her via Skype

Her computer facing her she raised up hearing the call she clicked the mouse before falling back in bed.

“Aria” he said watching her move around

“Yes”

“I see Roxy is around Mr.H” he said noticing the dog by her side

“Yes she was on 1 month probation after she did that”

He chuckled

“It’s not funny” she said sitting up

“Yeh ok?”

“No” she said looking down

“Yeh’ll do good!”

“I don’t like performing in front of people”

“Yeh did when we went on tour”

“Yes but no one knew it was me”

He sighed

“I have to perform for the executives at 9. Practiced my ranges”

“Don’t strain your voice”

“I know… what are you doing today besides calming my nerves”

“Just tha'nd recording”

“You’re working on your 3rd album?”

“Yes”

She smiled “you have great bed head”

He laughed “are yeh not sleepy?”

“I am I keep jerking in my sleep”

“Just relax poppet”

“I’m trying”

“I have to go for my run”

“Ok i’ll call you when I get done”

“Ok” he said blowing a kiss

She caught it.

Harry: How’d it go? He asked when she didn’t call by the end of the day he wondered how things went

Aria: 😭😭😭😭😭😖😓

Harry called her

Harry: Pick up poppet

Aria: No 😭😢

Harry: howd it go

Aria: ‘need more practice’

Aria: Tommy said ‘on a scale of 1-10. 1 being pretty bad and 10 being the worst performance ever that was a 7.’ 😭😭😭 I can’t do this

Harry:😒😒 drop him he’s a shitty manager

Harry: Pick up poppet please

She took a deep breath before answering his call

“Hey” she said

“Where are you?”

“At home” her voice broke

“Aww pet”

“I can’t do this Harry”

“I think yeh need another manager”

She sniffed “I wish you were here”

“I’ll be there soon pet”

She remained silent

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

“My voice shook the whole time….sang off key sounded like shit”

“It’s alright Aria”

“It’s not,” her voice was soft. “I’m not made for this.”

“Aria yeh are” he stressed

She sighed “how was your day”

“It was wonderful recorded 3 songs”

“Good”

“My album is done will you listen to it?”

He paused “i don’ kno’ if i should.” He was hesitant. In the past she depended so much on his opinion he got frustrated with the search of approval from him.

“Ok fair enough i’ll have Mr. H listen to it”

He remained silent

“Maybe i can do like a Sia thing but cover my whole body be in dungeon somewhere”

He was still quiet

“Ok Harry good night.” She said ending the call. She knew him too well he was asleep.

As she sat aimlessly looking at the ceiling she contemplated all the different things she could do to put an end to her contract. Get sick with a virus, purposely damage her larynx, car accident etc. When Harry awoke at 3am his time he called her she stared at the phone contemplating whether she would swipe right or left. The screen went dark she thanked the gods for not making her make that decision.

At 10 in the morning she found herself in the studio listening to Thomas or Tommy berate her

“ARIA! Im talking to you!” he said snapping her out of her thoughts

“Sorry” she cowered away

“WHY” he paused “why didn’t you perform like you did in this video? you were so good then what is it now?” he was showing her a video of her singing at a local jazz bar. There were only 10 people, people she would never meet this was different this was executives and produces people who had the power to build or destroy her career with one move.

“I dont know im just nervous”

“ABOUT WHAT? WE HAVE DONE EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN TO GET YOU TO NOT BE NERVOUS? SO WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT NOW?

“EVERYTHING!” She argued back before looking at her phone Harry had called her 5 times already.

Harry: Aria are you ok ive called you multiple times

She recorded Tommy

He hit the wall beside her “YO YOU A FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT IT’S A WASTE OF TALENT YOU HAVE. I GOT A 10 YEAR OLD WHO WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR SPOT!” He walked away from her “…SO YOURE TELLING ME YOURE GONNA LET SOME 10 YEAR OLD OUT DO YOU? DO WE NEED TO MAKE YOU SING NAKED NEXT TIME?”

She spoke softly “Im sorry I can’t Tommy”

“DONT TOMMY ME! TELL ME YOU CANT! YOU JUST DONT WANT TO! YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED FOR YOU! YOU OWE ME THIS!”

She sat silently and hit the send button

Harry: get up and walk away. He texted feeling his anger rise if he was there his fist would be connecting with Tommy’s jaw

Aria: I cant

Harry: Aria get up and walk away

Aria: he’s blocking the door.

She remained quiet waiting for the vent session to be over.

“You have a show tomorrow Chicago Bulls so get ready. Ya ass aint making a fool out of me again” She nodded leaving the studio. She ignored Harry for the rest of the day working on her vocals. She sat at home working on her ranges.

“You sound good Ria” her grandmother said cooking

“Thanks Grandma”

“Whats wrong?” she noticed her behavior

“Tommy screamed at me… told me lots of things i was an embarrassment to him… grandma i don’t know if i can do this”

“Youre too good dont let him ruin you!”

“I know”

Her phone lit up it was Harry texting her.

Harry: can you call me please

She stood up and went to her room to call him

“Aria” he said looking at her on the camera

“Hey” she said getting comfortable on the bed. Her eyes were puffy her nose was red. “How was your day?”

“Good.. are yeh ok?”

“I’m ok” she sighed

“Wha’ happened with Tommy”

“Have to perform tomorrow”

He tilted his head in confusion

“Yea”

“Don’ wan yeh to be sad pet”

“I’m ok Harry. Me and Mr. H will be tough” she joked

He chuckled “I’ll be there soon so save some luvin for me yea?” “No you dont get any”

“Wha’? Why?” he smiled

“Well see me and Mr. H have a bond even you can’t break. I have been there with him through thick and thin” her eyes welled up “and he wont” her voice started to break “and he wont let me down and i won’t do the same to him… sorry i dont mean to cry”

“Aria dont cry pet”

She chuckled wiping her tears “I don’t even know why im crying Harry thats the problem. With Mr. H i know i cant let him down"

“You never let me down" he spoke softly

“I have, i know that, but im trying not to.”

He sighed not knowing what to say. She was always too hard on herself. Her worst critic never letting up on her imperfections. “ ‘M gonna go to bed” he mumbled

“K good night” she said before ending the call

The next day she walked onto the court her hands shaking getting ready to sing the national anthem. Tommy had softened his tone but his words were still harsh. She found herself panicking 30 minutes prior, hunched over with a paper bag to her mouth. The cameras flashed she brought the microphone to her mouth. She closed her eyes imagined she was at home. When the song was done people jumped to their feet cheering her on. She thanked them and rushed off court. It was one of her best performances.

“WHOO!“ Tommy cheered “THAT WAS IT! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!… You sounded so good. Thats what you do in front of the execs don’t worry about them you got this Aria!”

She smiled taking a deep breath in she wanted to leave there was no celebration for her this only meant the inevitable an album release and a music career.

“Thanks Tommy can i go home now?”

“Nah lets go party!” “I really dont want to”

“Look its for your image just one drink” he begged

“Ok” she sighed as they made their way to club she texted Harry

Aria: I think i did ok everyone is happy

Aria: Going to the club with Tommy

Aria: Text you when i get home

It was supposed to be the club but they pulled up to his house, there was a party going on

“Tommy i thought you said club” she said giving him a look

“I know but house parties are fun!”

She shook her head this was her first time in his house “I’m not”

“Please just one drink you promised”

“Fine one drink and i’m done”

An hour passed one drink turned to two and two turned to three she thought. Her head was spinning, Tommy was being too friendly, he was groping her in places he shouldn’t have. When she tried to leave his grip on her wrist tightened when she fought back he put her arm behind her making her face the crowd as he dry humped her from behind. When he dragged her to the bathroom she used the opportunity to escape.

“Come on!” he stressed in a playful tone licking her neck forcing her against the wall

“No stop” she said weak from the concoction she was never a light weight so this was not the norm for her He hit her thigh “I said come on!” his thigh wedged between hers his tone changed he was being forceful

“Stop Tommy” she tried to fight him off

He held her hands above her with one hand while the other groped her body “You know you want this dick, Harry can’t do you like me”

“Please” she begun to cry she was too weak

Abruptly the door swung open. The man looked at Aria’s face “Yooo chill!”

“I’m not doing nothing” he said stepping away from her with his hands up

She quickly maneuvered from him he reached out for her but her arms were too quick on her way out she fell to the floor. Only managing to stand up and rush up the steps she found a room and locked herself in it. Quickly she dialed Harry’s number forgetting he wasn’t in the US, when she remembered she called her grandmother

“Aria do you know what time it is? im asleep!”

“Grandma please come get me” she sobbed on the phone

“Whats wrong?” she sensed the urgency

“He almost raped me i dont know whats wrong with me”

“You stay there i’m calling the cops”

“NO! please”

“Where are you?”

“Tommy’s house on 3rd bellavue house with all the cars”

“Stay where you are I’m coming!”

It felt like eternity waiting for her grandmother. She was finding herself waking up from an unconscious ous state every 5 minutes. She was fighting to stay awake. Her phone rang 4 times before she awoke

“Hello? Hello? Aria!?”

“….Grandma?”

“Where are you? You tell me now or i’m coming in with my shot gun!”

“I’m coming don’t” she said weak

Slowly she stood up her legs felt like jello, she opened the door and walked to the staircase held onto the railing with a death grip the party was dying down. She saw him at the corner of her eye he was mingling slowly she walked down the steps trying her best to not draw any attention to herself. When she got to the bottom of the stairwell. The door seemed so far away there were so many people in the way she tried to quickly move around them

“Aria? Is that you?” she heard his voice

“ARIA! I’m calling you!” fear took over she was pushing people out of the way, when she reached the door she opened it and collapsed her grandmother already standing outside her car ran towards her

“Aria” he spoke in her ear as pulled her up. She winced away

“YOU GET AWAY FROM HER!” her grandmother threatened

“I’m just trying to help her out”

“YOU TOUCH HER I’LL BLOW YOUR WHOLE FACE OFF!”

His temper rose “CALM THE FUCK DOWN OLD BITCH!” “I GOT YOUR BITCH TOUCH HER AGAIN AND YOU WON’T HAVE A DICK” She whimpered standing up

“Aria are you ok?” she spoke to her helping her up

She limped to the car her ankle sprained

When they got to the house it took her grandmother 10 minutes to wake her up

“Oh thank God! Aria what did you drink?”

“I don’t know” she said turning her head away from her

“Let’s get you in the house”

She slumped on the couch her grandmother close by the whole night.

The next morning she woke up with a splitting migraine confused about what happened

She groaned her memory was hazy, she remembered drinking a blue motorcycle and Tommy being aggressive she remembered him walking her to the bathroom his smile on his face his eyes telling her something else

“Oh mi nieta you’re awake!”

Her voice raspy “Grandma what happened?”

“Thomas tried to rape you!”

She thought “No… what?”

“Aria you called me you couldn’t even stand! you need to call the cops i think you were drugged”

“He what?” she sat up needing to piece things together

She picked up her phone there were texts from Tommy

Tommy: i hope you had fun i had too much to drink

Tommy: im sorry about what i did I love you😗 Aria i would never hurt you i was just fucked up Tommy: shit you were too,

Tommy: grinding on me i miss read the signals, you know that right? You know how i get when im fucked up

Tommy: tell your g ma to chill i was fucked up too shit you were too

Tommy: call me when you get this

Miranda: 😁😀YAY bestfriend you did good!

Her mind tried to remember what happened but it couldn’t dnt her wrist was bruised, she rubbed it to sooth the pain.

“Aria you need to call the cops!”

She shook her head “I don’t”

“Well freshen up clear your head”

“How’d i get home?” she looked around

“I came to get you! that rapist was trying to pull you back in”

She stood up and fell to the ground

“Ahh!” She grimaced grabbing her swollen ankle

“I think you sprained it” her grandmother picked up her foot “here put it up let me get some ice”

In the bathroom she undressed she noticed bruises on her neck, her thighs and knees when the skirt fell she covered herself with her hands, she had no underwear, she could not remember what happened to it. In shower she tried the best she could to remember she couldn’t. But she also knew something wasn’t right. she scrubbed hard feeling dirty. She felt a sick feeling from the pit of her stomach she hunched over unable to stop it. She vomited.

In her sleep it came to her in a flash

She saw herself drinking her drink.That nauseous feeling intensified

“I gotta go I don’t feel good.” she steadied herself by holding his shoulders

“No stay” he rubbed her sides

She shook her head “I’m leaving”

“I said stay” he insisted pulling her back, her back to him he breathed on her neck. She moved her neck away “Mmmm you have a nice ass” he said before smacking it

She shot up in cold sweats her head pounding was it true? Did he really do that?

She looked at her phone there were texts from Harry. He sent her a screenshot from the tabloid the caption “Looks like you and Thomas had fun, you did great! I watched it! what a way to celebrate😂😋” the picture her hair on her face with one arm behind it looked like they were in the middle of a dance. Her wrist ached as if it had a memory of the pain that was inflicted upon it. Harry was oblivious to the dark truth. feeling nauseous she jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Rising slowly she cried looking at herself in the mirror.She blamed herself she should have known better. She should have been more careful.

Picking up her phone there was another message from Harry

Miranda: Bitch call me you look lit😂😜

Miranda: Umm that picture doesnt look right call me 🙁😕😞

Harry: call me when you wake up pet I miss your voice😗.

She snatched her laptop from the floor quickly she searched flights to Manchester leaving the next day. She was willing to pay any price once she got the confirmation email she hopped off the bed and three clothes into her suitcase

Her grandmother walked into her room “Where you going you can’t leave!”

“Manchester”

“Are you going to tell him

“I can’t even remember what happened! if it happened will he believe me?”

“Aria he can’t get away with what he did! now I don’t know how the music industry works but that man cant walk away from what he did to you!”

“I know mimi”

“So call the cops”

“I..” she looked to the bathroom

Her grandmother stressed her point “tell him.. Harry will know what to do…. have you talked to him?”

She shook her head

“I’m not going to let this go”

“I know”

“How’s your head?”

“Pounding”

“Well relax I will finish packing for you”

The next day she found herself in Chicago O’hare limping around she hadn’t told Harry about her plan to stop by.

Tommy: You haven’t called are you ok

Tommy: just call me or send a text to tell me your ok

She felt sick looking at the texts holding onto Mr.H she walked around till her flight departure time. When she landed at 2pm she made a beeline for his condo.

She knocked in the door she quickly wiped away her tears

“Yea yea!” she heard his voice through the door

He stood confused for a second before his face lit up

“Poppet! Wha’re yeh doing here?“ he asked lifting her into a tight embrace

“I missed you” she confessed

“Yeh should have told me!”

“I just did!” she said forcing a smile

He leaned down to kiss her she could only manage a few kisses it was killing her.

“What do I owe this delightful surprise?” she shrugged walking in

“Hey” she greeted his band

“ARIAAA!”

She smiled

“Yeh should have told me really” he said pulling her down on his lap. “ ‘M flying to London tomorrow family time”

“Oh” she said looking down

“Yeh’ll come with me?”

She nodded

“Wha’ happened to your foot?” Weezer asked

“I fell... heels”

“All that partying yeh ‘nd Thomas did” Harry commented “yeh never texted by the way”

She swallowed hard smiling at him “sorry forgot”

He raised his eyebrow

“So what are you up to today?” she asked

“Last recording session are yeh ok?” he noted her pale complexion

“Yea, just cold”

“Yea we gotta go mate” Stevie said noticing the time

“Oh shit! Yeh want to come?” he said standing up

She shook her head

“Jet lag?”

She nodded

He leaned down placing his forehead on heres “Ok well yeh kno’ where the food is. Don' eat all my bananas. I’ll be back ok?”

She forced a smile fighting the tears “yes”

“Are yeh sure you’re ok?”

She hated that he could read her like an open book

“Yes” she said kissing him

“One more” he said biting his lip

She wrapped her arm around his neck. It took all the energy she had to put passion into the kiss

“Oi! we gotta go.” Stevie said

As the day turned to night she sat crying on the couch. She checked her emails wanting to tell her grandmother she was safe. Her heart dropped seeing Tommy’s name on the list she hesitated to open it. When she did it was a picture of her in the airport the title read Aria party girl rushed to Manchester to see Harry. The caption read Rumor is he called her screaming mad about the picture of her and manager Tommy G. His email: Im fucking calling you and you in UK? We got sessions you better be back by Tuesday. She felt sick to her stomach they couldn’t be more wrong. Sleep finally seeped in after hours of laying awake. Her memory flashed through her dreams

“Come on” he says grabbing her hand he had a goofy smile on his face pulling her towards the dance floor

“No Tommy” she tries to resist

He pulled harder making her collapse into him “damn baby! I didn’t know you wanted it like that?” he chuckled

“Stop” she pushes away from him

His hands grab her ass he is holding her in place as he rubs his nose on her neck “you gonna feel so good on my dick”

She sat up immediately tears flooded out of her eyes this couldn’t be happening she thought. She got off the couch and went to lay in bed. A migraine already thumping through her brain she lay in bed when she heard the door open she turned on her side pretending to be asleep.

Harry quietly took of his clothes and retreated to the bathroom. She could hear him humming behind the water. When he got in bed he cradled behind her kissing her cheek before falling asleep. As she begun to get sleepy she prayed she wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare. In the morning her prayers were answered she softly got out of bed and got ready. Harry woke up an hour later.

“Wha’ do yeh want for breakfast pet?”

“Nothing this is fine”

“ ‘Re yeh sure? you’ve been pushing around the cereal for 5 minutes” she was in a daze she didn’t notice

She shook her head “it’s fine I promise” she lied

He grabbed her hand “Ok are yeh sure? cuz i’ll get yeh anything yeh want”

“I promise” she said forcing the spoon in her mouth.

When they got to his mother’s house she was greeted with love

“Aria come in we have missed yeh oh I always knew yeh two would get back together!” Anne hugged her

She smiled

“Aria!” Gemma greeted her “finally someone we like… no love”

“When are yeh goin to marry her Harry?”Anne asked

“Oh muuum” he fussed

“ ‘M just saying she took yeh back it’s a sign”

Gemma chimed in “Yea no one wants yeh but her so yeh need to be in your knees”

“These’re strangers not my family I don’ kno’ wha’ alien planet they come from” he joked causing them to laugh

Gemma grabbed her hand dragging her away from Harry “We have to catch up that dress at the wedding to die for where did you get it?”

“Michael Castello designed it”

There was a lot of catching up to do which Aria gladly agreed to do anything to take her mind off that night

At dinner she sat once again pushing her food

“Do yeh want something else?” Harry whispered

“No!” she got scared “this is fine!” she put a mouthful in her mouth

He gave a look she was definitely being strange. She had no appetite there was a raging migraine she was trying to calm down. After yawns went around the room after dinner every one retreated to their rooms

“Ok off it pet what’s the problem?” He asked while they lay in bed. He was trying to find out what was wrong with her

She spoke softly “Nothing”

“No there’s something big show comin’ up?”

“No just thinking”

“About?”

She shook her head and smiled

“Yeh don’ wan’ to talk ‘bout it?”

She shook her head

“Ok” he looked down at her holding Mr.H “You’ve been holding him awfully tight can’ yeh hold me like tha’ too?” He joked

“No you might break” she teased

“Wha’?”

“You might break” she held back her smile

“Are yeh saying I’m weak?” He asked towering her

“……..Yes”

“Yeh wanna test tha’ theory?” he asked before kissing her deeply his kisses made her forget momentarily but when he started grabbing her thighs and kissing her neck is when her mind refused to let it go. She froze eyes shut tight. He noticed the tension in her body he raised up to look at her

“Aria wha’s wrong?”

“Nothing”

“You’re stiff as a board look at me” she opened her eyes “wha’s wrong?”

She sighed “I can’t…. not tonight”

He huffed “ok” he gave her sweet kisses

“Sorry”

“Don’ be luv is just sex… I can take care of myself” he said winking

She giggled “Perv”

“Hey only for yeh”

“I guess I should feel special”

At night her prayers were not answered. Her mind took her back to that night

She looks around people are dancing she doesn’t know where she’s going but Tommy is pulling her towards it.The bathroom door is kicked open and he pushes her inside

“Stop it Tommy” she says trying to walk passed him. He closes the door with his foot. He charges towards her stuffing his tongue in her mouth. She pushes him away and slaps him. His hand is immediately around her neck his eyes cold and dark he pushes her against the wall. “bitch ill kill you matter of fact” his other hand loosens his belt

“please” she begs clawing at his arm he pulls out his penis, "you know you want this dick" he jams his knee into her thighs forcing them open. “shut up.” He reaches up her skirt to rip off her underwear. He pulls hard making her body jerk forward before the fabric gives way. "Harry cant do you like me" He gets closer kissing her neck she tries pushing him off he places both arms above her head holding them by the hands he reaches between her thighs she’s crying “please” she begs. He stops and looks at her he licks his hand before he palms her vagina. He moans “you wet already, just how i like it”

She shot up from her sleep in a cold sweat immediately she ran to the toilet a violent vomiting spree was to begin.

Harry groaned “Aria?” he turned to his side to confirm she wasn’t there

“Aria” he called sitting up hearing the vile noise. Slowly he got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. He knelt down beside her rubbing her back

“Something yeh ate?” he offers explanation

She nods in agreement

When she’s done her hands are shaking she can barely wash her face. She was pale as if she saw a ghost

“Wha’s wrong?” he asked noticing her expression

She turned around with tears in her eyes if he only knew

“Shhh it was just a dream” he sooths her hugging her tight.

But it wasn’t was it? Tommy really did those things. The reality was setting in.

In the morning she continues to rub Harry’s arm unable to fall asleep she lay awake against his chest

During breakfast she checked her phone

Tommy: Where the fuck are you at

Tommy: you think it’s funny you fucking with my career

Aria: I need more time please

Miranda: so you really gonna ignore me your bff?

Mimi(grandmother): Aria have you told him

Aria: Not yet I will soon I promise

As Gemma and Aria shopped around she tried her best to act natural.

“Are yeh ok?” Gemma asked during lunch Aria even though trying her best was very distant

“Yea!” she said putting on a happy face

“Sure? yeh look pale”

She smiled “Yea lack of sun” she joked

“Tell Harry he owes you a vacation”

She smiled Gemma her biggest advocate always made Harry go out of his way for her “Only if you come too!”

“You know it!”

As the day wound down she hopped the night would be gentle on her she couldn’t wake up from another nightmare.

“Did you see this?” Harry laughed showing her a picture of her crawling up the stairs. Who would possibly take that picture and furthermore insinuate she was going to have sex with Tommy?

She smiled

“Yeh were having fun weren’t yeh?”

She remained silent

“But ’m glad yeh ‘nd Tommy handled your differences” he said falling asleep

She melted into his chest not wanting to remember anything

The next day she Aria, Anne, and Gemma decided to clean up then treat themselves to dinner. She got multiple texts during the day. People were asking her about the picture.

Miranda: uh you need to call me NOW! i know your ass didnt fuck tommy

Miranda: you disappeared to Manchester whats up☹

Miranda: ARIA what did Tommy do to you? Why did Mimi call me crying???😭😭

Aria: i can’t talk about it Miranda, not now

Mimi: have you told him

Aria: not yet Mimi

Mimi: im not playing do it or I will

Aria: ok ok

~With Harry~

“Whoa Harry have you seen this?” Weezer asked

“Wha’?”

“Look” he looked at the heading Tommy G accused of sexual assault 2 victims have come forward the caption: ‘Both victims claim it happened in his house we will keep you posted’

He frowned “he didn't” he paused to think remembering the dirty glances he gave women

“I gotta find out more” Weezer said scrolling through his phone

As the day went on he couldn’t help but think about it. It gnawed at him this was her manager, someone who was close to her.

“Oh shit! Now they are saying one of the girls was assaulted the night he partied with Aria”

Harry tried to shake it off. “no he couln’ have”

Stevie rushed to him“Harry have you seen?”

“Yea” not wanting to be bothered by it

“No look!” Stevie said shoving the phone at him

Harry looked at him before grabbing the phone he read the words ‘A witness has stepped forward caught him in the act.’ As he read the details his heart rate picked up ‘…. walked in on him with his female artist.’ Tommy only managed Aria and another female artist who was absent that night

“Have yeh talked to Aria maybe its someone else” they tried to reason

“Did she tell you anything?” Gigi asked

He looked at them “no she would tell me”

When the day ended even Gemma got notifications on social media people were tagging her on the posts. Aria’s phone was buzzing nonstop.

Miranda: Aria

Miranda: dont ignore me im your best friend,…. thunder buddies for life

Miranda: Aria

Miranda: did it happen?

“Aria wha’s this?” Gemma asked showing her the article. Her heart sank reading the article Tommy was getting charged with sexual assault. Two victims identified one had yet to come forward. She was the remaining piece.

She shook her head “its nothing”

“They’re saying you’re the other woman is it true?”

“Other woman for what?” Anne asked taking the phone from Gemma’s hand

As Harry rushed to his mother’s house he thought to himself those pictures that were taken, she did look uncomfortable in Tommy’s embrace. The bruised wrist she explained away seemed to be the one he was holding behind her back. She also never got that drunk in public so it was strange that she got that drunk, even when she got drunk she was never that sloppy, falling all over the place hair in her face.

As Aria tried to convince Gemma and Anne that wasn’t her her phone lit up

Miranda: Shit is hitting the fan I hope you told him

Tommy: you bitch

Mimi: hope you told him

Aria felt her breathing hitch

“Aria this sounds like yeh!” Gemma said reading more articles

“It’s not” she whispered

Harry rushed through the kitchen door he walked in “Aria” he called

She smiled at him but stopped soon after his face was one she couldnt read ”….yes” she answered warily

“Yeh promise to tell me the truth?” it was supposed to be a statement but came out as a question

“Yes anything” she half smiled

“Wha’s wrong Harold?” his mother asked noticing his expression

He paused before speaking standing across from her. His eyes burrowing into her soul. “Wha’ happened that night at Tommy’s house?”

She looked down. Her nightmare was coming to life. It seemed forever when she heard her name being called.

“Aria” Harry called his eyes were becoming more bewildered by the second, her silence was confirming his gut instincts. She looked up at him before looking down. Pulling at her sleeves occupying her hands. She was losing the battle on holding back her tears. It wasn’t long before he called again.

“Aria… I asked yeh a question” his voice assertive he walked closer to her searching for her eyes. His breathing uneven. He needed her to tell him nothing happened. Everyone was looking at her waiting for an answer.

“ARIA!” he screamed in frustration. He startled them.

“Oi! Wha’s going on in here?” His dad asked walking in

The tears won they poured out of her eyes

“Aria tell me wha’ happened!” anger spewed in his voice

“Harold!” his mother scolded in a whisper

“Oh my god!” Gemma said in shock

The whole room came to the realization something dark happened that night. Her behavior made sense now the lack of appetite,the pale look on her face, the vomiting, the insomnia, the night mares.

“Aria” he whispered she had yet to speak. He needed her to say it was a joke. That there was no way it happened.

She looked up at him with tears rolling down her face, her hands were shaking pulling on her sleeve “please don’t make me go back to that night” she spoke softly

“Oh!” Anne grabbed her chest “yeh poor thing” Anne immediately rushed to her side and held her in a tight embrace.

“Harry he didn’…. did he?” Gemma looked at him hoping he could offer up a reason

He squatted down. Holding his head. There were no longer butterflies in his stomach from fear of the truth. Fear was replaced with anger which started from his chest and radiated out “ ’M GONNA KILL HIM!” He said standing up

“Oi! Stop that!”

“Dad not right now!” He paced the floor “…. That BASTARD put his hands on yeh? im going to kill him!

“CALM DOWN HAROLD!” His father said grabbing his shoulders

Aria sobbed in the background. He should have known something was wrong. Her eyes told him something was wrong they were filled with sorrow. He pushed passed his father going outside.

“Oi! come back’ere!” His father chased after him

Gemma knelt down next to her crying and hugging her “Im so sorry Aria”

#harry styles #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles smut #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff #1d fan fiction #1d fanfic #1dff #1direction #one direction fan fiction #one direction fic #one direction fluff #one direction fanfiction #one direction

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sanhatation · 6 years

Text

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best.

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars.

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u.

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !!

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her.

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words !

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good.

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!!

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you.

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic.

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!!

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn.

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !!

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy

#hot frick this is four pages on google docs FHFJJDSLASJ #anyway heres a word dump #if u actually read this......ur insane................and i love u #about me !#riley's thicc 2017 post #riley really really rambles

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choisgirls · 7 years

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Tiggity taggity

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

tagged by @sevensity my wwwwWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE HI I MISS U SO MUCH

LAST:

Last Drink: I had a strawberry crush ^^; Last Phone Call: SOME UNKNOWN NUMBER CALLED ME AN HOUR AGO SMH SAERAN NOT NOW Last Text Message: Actual text was my mum, whatsapp was 6, and tumblr message was Tex! ^^ Last Song You Listened To: Iris- Goo Goo Dolls Last Time I Cried: :') literally a minute or two before I answered this thing

HAVE YOU EVER: Dated Someone Twice: Mmmm mhm long distance online and it was fucking horrible i cannot believe i went back to him he was a prick Been Cheated On: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes quite a few times Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Oh yes. Lost Someone Special: Quite a few,,,, Been Depressed: Hi I'm 4 and I suffer from severe depression why are you asking me this Been Drunk and Thrown Up: I'm a Zen or a Jumin, okay, not a Yoosung

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: Made a New Friend: MY WIFE MY WIFE MY WIFE! And!! So so so many more friends! Like Ams! And Aysel! AnD TEX!!! And kinky nonnie!!! and elizabeth!!! And Heart nonnie! And Hair nonnie! And- *unravels long list of other absolutely amazing people that i consider friends and that i love with my whole heart but if i list them all here i would take all day but please just know that i!!! love you!!! and you are all!!!! my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Fallen Out of Love: Yes Laughed Until You Cried: all the time Met Someone Who Changed You: Um. Maybe? I'm not sure Found Out Who Your True Friends Were: Yes and no. More like it solidified my thoughts on them ^^ Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: People talk about me all the time because im this huge bitch and im usually disliked and all that so like I'm not surprised???

GENERAL: How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: Only one! otherwise!!! I have seen a few people on snapchat!!! And i've video chatted with one!! Do you have any pets?: *frantically chasing after all 10 of my pets as they all avoid me* Do you want to change your name?: Yes. What time did you wake up this morning?: 11:32 because I'm an aDULT and i can do ADULT THINGS like SLEEPING IN and CRYING What were you doing last night?: Homework;;;;;;; Name something you cannot wait for: HaPpInEsS even if its in the form of getting the good end for V's route ^^ Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah i have family members named tom What’s getting on your nerves rn?: The fact that people KEEP SENDING ME FUCKING SPOILERS KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I KNOCK YOU OUT that and I have no inspiration to write ^^;;;;;;;;;; Blood type: i mean i think all blood is good blood fight me Nickname: Pussydestroyer6969 (Or more commonly I actually go by Lucifer's Dick and DO NOT ask me why) (Really, its usually just 4) Relationship status: I'm pretty dead in all aspects but my hands are cold Zodiac sign: Fake ass snake Pronouns: The evil overlord??? goddess???? that one person?? Favorite tv show(s): Supernatural, Shadowhunters, Magicians, The Librarians, and thats all i can think of off the top of my head but theres more

College: Sucks? Hair colour: Dark auburn naturally, you can really see the ginger in the sunlight :') Long or short: long leggy Do you have a crush on someone: His name is Saeran and I love him so much he is my husband

FIRSTS: First surgery: My shoulder First piercing: My ears! Fun story, my grandma took me as a baby to get them done while my mum was at work and didnt bother to tell her so my mum was peeved ^^;; First best friend: First day of preschool my horrid of an ex best friend walked up to me and punched my arm, saying we were now friends so i mean fuck her she sucks First sport you joined: Boxing and not long after, football First vacation: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina! First pair of sneakers: idk im sure they were black sneakers tbh my mum didnt trust me in white Eating: the souls of those who cross me? Drinking: the blood of my enemies? I’m about to: Fall asleep :') im so tired someone pl e as e Listening to: My cats run around the house and the jingle of the kittens bell ^^ Want kids: I do! Not... currently, but I do! ^^ Get married: I would love to get married~ Lets go~ At the space station~ All of you, at once, come on (ง'̀-'́)ง (ง'̀-'́)ง Career: This is a hard one because its between programming or owning my own bakery;;

WHICH IS BETTER: Lips or eyes: I fall for eyes sO q Uic Kl Y Hugs or kisses: When you hug people you get closer and you can hear their heartbeat so you know just where to stab them ;) (no really i like kisses better) Shorter or taller: I don't really care but im tIRED OF BEING THE TALL ONE Older or younger: I like a good amount either way, not too much younger and not too much older Romantic or spontaneous: It has to be both Sensitive or loud: Both but i'll probably get just as loud;; Hook up or relationship: *kelly clarkson voice* OH NO, I DO NOT HOOK UP UP, I GO SLOOOOWTroublemaker or hesitant: IF ITS NOT BOTH THEN IM SORRY ITS NOT HAPPENING;;;;

HAVE YOU EVER: Kissed a stranger: oh no listen i would not kiss someone random you dont know what kinda thINGS those lips have touched Drank hard liquor: eheheheheheheheheh Lost glasses/contacts: Yes along with my will to live and my love for anything Sex on first date: Honestly i wouldnt know Broken someone’s heart: I um;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Been arrested: *evil cackling* Turned someone down: I have but i tend to do it gently because!!!!! its rude otherwise!!!!!! Fallen for a friend: I did once yes

DO YOU BELIEVE: In yourself: I dont think i ever truly have? Love at first sight: Mmm, yes? no? maybe so? me @ saeran hell yeah Heaven: well i have no comment here Santa Claus: If I believe in santa claus will my mum still give me a present that i cant afford on my own because im a poor ass college kid?? :')

yo im not tagging 25 people sorry im a rule breaker but! here! it is! if you guys want to do it! You definitely dont have to! ^^

hi my names 4 and i hit enter before actually like, tagging people sO:

@paleasamoon, @mysplaced-pen, @wishful-lolita @toraod, @beautiful-mystic-mess, @deadpan-sexual

#ehehehe i hit enter too quickly #im too tired someone please just let me nap #admin 404 #not a request #tag meme #not mystic messenger

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princessh3va-blog · 7 years

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02/06/17

i just wanted to tell u its been a day without me...and on my side no one knows we separated ....i bet alot of ur frds alr know ...how are u ?...i know for a fact that u must be happier without me ...i know this is smtg u wanted since since this yr started...i hope u are happy that u are a free man now...anyway i apologise for being such a hard person to love ...its not your fault its mine i get it ,well i just wanted to tell u why everything started to fall apart from our beautiful love story,i was in my grandma house and i rmb that was the first we almost broke up i screamed on the phone for u not to leave me took a bunch of pills and it all started from there...constant fights constantly telling each other things we both knew was wrong and we didnt want to hear , despite everything i still love u with all my heart, i know theres no turning back now i know u truly left me ...i know it is for real now ,, typing this makes me have a lump in my throat ...i rly love u no doubt in 10 months things cant stay the same i just thought no matter what we could make it through ...slowly day by day i could see myself changing,i indeed change i dont disagree ,i never been so sad in my life ,thats why i tried avoiding everyone even till now i had no one ask me how i was doing ...i thought u would understand i guess u didnt u thought i was ignoring ur msgs for fun and my texts were getting shorting i was getting harsher ,u never knew it was just me changing ...to the worst state i have become why? ..why did i not tell u? why did i push it away telling myself "its okay im fine like always.." ...idk too its just me huh..just keeping everythinh insides letting people think and assume what they wanted abt me ...but only i knew how much when i put u to bed was bc i needed to cry for the next 1hr and head to bed ,i didnt want u to see me in that state ,but i guess its time to tell u..and i know you must be look at how she treats her frds vs how she treats me ,well lets just say i was the most comfortable around u,i thought u didnt mind seeing the worst of shevani ,bc i knew my frds will mind and i know they wont be able to handle me....thats why i always act cheerful and happy around them bc im sucha introvert i cant show my emotions properly....i showed u the true harsh raw side of me that i never showed anyone ,and im sorry...i know it was wrong ..i know replying u at a later timing, i know being harsh towards u ,i know being the bad shevani towards my beloved norrshant was wrong i knew it wouldn't be able to handle it,i know he was gg to break ...i am not here to justify what happened to me and how i changed ,i just thought u deserved to know the truth ,i am sincerely sorry i hope after this u could change ur mind abt us separate i highly doubt so ...bc i know u have had enough,i dont blame you,i am forever here and i will forever love u whole heartedly,thank you for the laughter and constant joy u provide me with,i will see you around soon i hope love, shevani

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alyssheart · 6 years

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confessions and story time

i know i haven't posted any of my art in a while. im sorry about that, but i feel inspired after watching a few youtube videos about depression and suicide awareness and i want to tell my story. and its LONG.

A lot of what im about to say no one but my closest friend of 15 years knows. My family, my other friends. no one knows. but here i am about to tell my story, poor grammar and all. so here's your TMI and trigger warning. Let's dive deep

Let me give you some back story. I am 29 years old. I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. I have 2 amazing little boys, a beautiful daughter who passed away (more on that later). I have a very supportive and understanding fiance. And my family, although a bit dysfunctional at times, is an amazing support group for me and loves me unconditionally.

That being said, there are things that i never told anyone because im one of those people that dont like to burden others when there's so many other, more serious issues that are going on around me to others that i care about.

When i was a little kid, i was adventurous, curious, a little shy. I was 100% a daddy's girl. In my eyes daddy could do no wrong. My mom and i were close too, but in a different way. Dont get me wrong, i LOVE my mom, i always have but it took my mom and dads divorce and a lot of self reflection and hearing stories to know my "do no wrong" dad was anything but.

That, however, is not my story to tell, but its where my story starts.

When my dad left us, we had just moved to Ohio from Alabama. I was young, 6th grade. Of course i stayed with my mom, and my dad moved back to Alabama. I took this hard, i stopped taking care of myself. I didnt shower, i didn't brush my teeth, i didnt want to. my mom would have to force me to not be the smelly kid. my grades in school plummeted, i just didnt care.

a few years passed and then BOYS. Now, since i was young, even in Alabama had "boyfriends". But when i say BOYS i mean preteen-teenager hardcore "im in love and will never love anyone else!" kind of BOYS.

That's when i started taking care of myself again. I would hang out every Saturday night at the local skating rink. thats where i met him. my beginning to my end. my first "love". For protection, we'll call him Steven.

Steven was 2 years older than me, so cute, a sweet talking, gangster wanna-be. the bad boy your mother warns you about. He and i started a relationship that lasted on and off for 4 years.

He cheated on me a lot. Not sleeping around, because he was only 13 (at the begining, i was 11) at the time, but writing notes to other girls, kissing etc. Everytime it would break my little heart, but every time he would sweet talk his way back to me and I'd fall for it EVERY TIME.

lets fast forward a bit, i was now 13, he was 15. My mom is now seeing someone else, who would eventually become my stepdad/little sisters dad. We went to this little town for a semi monthly street fair. While my mom and her new boyfriend stayed at the booth he was working Steve and i started walking around. We walked down this ally way to take a short cut to a store we wanted to visit that sold albums, records etc.

He stopped me in the ally way, and to not become to graphic, things happened. Things I was not ready for, but convinced myself was okay at the time, because i "loved him" and we'd be "together forever ". i cried the entire time, he assumed it was from the pain. It was really because i knew, at this moment i was not ready, and no matter how i tried to convince myself, i KNEW it was wrong. i never said no. i never tried to stop it, that time.

Fast forward again a few months later. My mom drops me off at his house so we could ride to the skating rink together. his parents were home, in the living room and we went to his bed room and i insisted on leaving the door open. he and i had not been alone since that day and i wanted to keep it that way. we started to talk and he asked why we never fooled around after that. I told him that i just didnt want to. i was scared of my mom finding out, or getting pregnant...

He.. got.. PISSED. i mean, he was ANGRY. he held his hand over my mouth so i couldnt scream, grabbed my arm and held me to the wall in his room. He then said "You're tall, fat and stupid. who else is going to love you like i do? So why won't you give me what I need?"

Those words.. stabbed me in my heart like a million daggers. Thing about it was, i wasnt fat.. i was healthy. Yes, i am tall, always have been my dad is 6"7' what do you expect? I also was NOT stupid. i may not have gotten good grades in school but thats because i was not doing homework or turning my work in. not because i didnt understand it but because I didnt care about school.

He then closed, his door, locked it, covered my mouth with his hand, and had his way with me, again....

I sat on his bed and cried until his dad drove us to the skating rink and i found my best friend at the time and told her almost everything that happened in his room that day. She protected me from him the rest of the night. wouldn't let him near me and she and i danced all the anger and pain away.

Of course, im a sucker for punishment and he used all the right words and came back into my life weeks later.

around this time, I started lying to my mom, i stole from my cousin, worst of all i stoped eating. there was a nagging thought always in the back of my mind that i was fat and needed to lose weight. this was actually pretty easy for me. my mom worked A LOT to support me, anywhere from 8-12 hours a day so i would be left at home alone and simply not eat until she was around. I didnt even eat luch at school. id sit with my friends while they ate lunch and i would pretend to have eaten a lot of snacks during the day, or a large breakfast.

Now, remember when i said that i started lying to my mom a lot. It got to a point where she wouldnt believe anything i said. Which, i cant say i blame her, i was being a bitch. But this caused some abuse from my now ex step dad to go unnoticed. I dont blame her for that, looking back now i know she believes me when i would tell her about the time he punched me in the stomach and i think at times she feels bad she didnt believe me when it happened. so i hold no grudges against her. I only bring this up to explain how truly fucked up i was around this time.

So between having to pretend to like my step dad, to Steve getting inside my head, basically starving myself and having my mom not believe a word i said to her about anything. i started to feel so alone....

if you're wondering, the situation with Steve never went any further than those 2 times mentioned. other than that he was the "love of my life".

Eventually the situation had gotten so bad at home that my mom made me start seeing a therapist. He was the 1st person that knew everything, aside from the ally way no one knew about that until I met my best friend Jeff years later.

Fast foward again. My mom gets pregnant with my sister, so we move to a house with my step dad to a new city.

This is where things changed for me, in a positive way. i met Jeff, he became my best friend, my therapist, my brother, my world. He helped me work through a lot of things that i didnt know how to handel. he was there for me when my step dad started abusing my mom. He was there whenever i needed him. he was my saving grace. my angel. He made me stop talking to Steve and preoccupied my time so Steve couldnt weasel his way back into my life. 30 mins isn't much of a drive for a teenager thinking hes about to have sex. Jeff knew this and protected me from it.

Fast forward again, i am now out of high school, im living with this guy who i started dating my senior year. we had been together for 3 years at this point and it was fading fast. we didnt love each other anymore and did everything we could to not be around each other. Thats when i met Chris. My ride or die. the 2nd closest friend i had beside Jeff. I was seriously over weight at this point, and hated myself. i was living with a guy i didnt love but had to pretend i did around everyone else. She was there for me. offered me a roof to live under if i decided to break up with this guy. She would work out with me to help me loose weight, not because she thought i was fat, but because she knew i wanted it. and she gave me the motivation to want to change. then it eventually happened. my boyfriend and i broke up about a week before Easter in 2011.

This is around the time i met my now fiance. my ex and i decided to make it official and move out of the apt my ex and i were living in about 2 months after we broke up, because i wanted things to be official with my now fiance. I moved in with my mom, he moved in with his grandma and that was the end of that.

In November of 2011 after being told i could not have children since i was 19 i got pregnant, with the most beautiful little girl Kairi. Man was she loved. By everyone. not even in the world yet and she was so.. so loved. August 7th 2012 she was stillborn. her cord wrapped around her neck, with a trueknot. she had been dead for a few days before my body decided it was dangerous and needed to come out.

Sept. 1st we burried half her ashes and kept the other half, she is here with me now. My fiance and i decided that we were ready and we needed to try again.

on August 5th 2013 Quin was born. a beautful healthy baby boy, that looked so much like his sister it hurt at first. but that was my baby, the one thing in my life that i was not ashamed of, the one thing in my life that was missing.

Then, to everyones surpize July 25th 2014 Came Silas. my 3rd baby. My beautiful baby boy whom has made ny life and my home so complete.

Happy ending right? Not really. I love my children, i love my fiance, but im scared. im so broken from so many things. im still tall, fat and ugly in my mind. I still try to fix everyone elses problems before my own. I still keep to myself. social situations make me nervous and scared. everything i do feels wrong. im not happy with myself, im not happy with my job, my living situation. Im just not happy.

And yes, at times i have suicidal thoughts. I would never do anything to harm myself, but theres always that thought of "what if". if not for those 2 little boys and their hugs and kisses and just the fact that they need me. i would welcome death with open arms. but for now. telling my story, finally getting everything off my chest is what i need.

im starting Therapy again on March 1st, so hopefully some real professional help will make a differnce.

I felt like i needed to tell this story, not only for myself but for people who know me. for people who get annoyed that i apologize all the time. people who think i hate them because i wont hang out with them. Im trying. i am. im trying to better myself, for me, for you, for my family.

i love each and every one of you so much. i truly do. i dont hate many people. believe it or not Steve and I made amends a few years ago, and even though i would not call him a friend. i forgive him for everything. if i can forgive him and have peace and closure, i can truly say that i believe in my heart of hearts that i am not this terrible moster that i believe i am. I will give chances after chances. I will forgive people fatser for hurting me than the people i love. maybe thats my problem, i dont know. i know ive made mistakes and if the people ive wronged didnt forgive me, i would truly have no one right now.

I want to help people because i cannot help myself. thats my curse.

sorry for the super long post. and thanks for reading my story.

Love always-

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