#and in theory I can stay with my aunt and sister perhaps but there truly is only space for me on the floor not another person (thankfully!?)

[shatterthefragments]

Look. I’m sorry beloved pianist I would love to see. But I am seeing Halestorm and Evanescence that same night 😘

Also why no transfer for these ones :(

Now I have to meet up with/go over with the people I’m going with and actually be Early (I am. Usually running late) :( and if I can’t transfer they probably can’t e-transfer me for the ticket(s) until we actually attend. I’ll live. But 😬

[takeabitetoremember]

Stay With Me (Part 18)

Seeing Michael looking away, sensing the hesitation in his voice, Mallory instantly knows something is wrong. Her heart racing as she sits up, crawling over to Michael, taking his face in her hands, “Michael, look at me. Your nose was bleeding. You won’t look me in the eye. What’s wrong? Please, tell me. No matter what it is, we can work through it. I promise. I love you.” Knowing he doesn’t deserve her love and loyalty, and at this very moment, that’s all that’s really keeping him going. Taking a deep breath, looking into her eyes, he slowly begins to reply, “Mallory, no matter what I tell you, I need you to remain calm. I’m not leaving you, so please, do not panic.” Crawling in closer, laying her head against Michael’s chest, nuzzling in closely. Mallory knew if Michael was asking her to remain calm it must be bad, especially if he reassured her from the begining he wasn’t leaving her. Unable to reply, she simply nodded her head against his chest, clinging to him tightly. Sighing, trying to figure out how to explain everything to Mallory, when in all sincerity he wasn’t sure himself how everything had transpired. “Mallory”, he began, “there’s no easy way to tell you, let alone explain. I was making the final preparations for our departure to the Sanctuary, when I was”, stopping for a moment, looking over at the crack in the door, “interrupted by some unwelcomed guests.” Mallory’s head popping up from his chest, looking up at him wide-eyed. “Michael, who’s here?  Where did they come from? Did they come from the Sanctuary with bad news?” Placing her head back against his chest, running his fingers through her long hair, trying to soothe her, “No my love, it’s nothing like that. It’s, how shall I put it? My in-laws.” Her head popping up again, looking at Michael with confusion, fear, joy, angst, and everything in between. “Michael, do…. Do you mean my… My Aunt Myrtle?” Sighing as he caressed her cheek loving, “Yes my darling, your beloved Aunt Myrtle. And Cordelia. And that whore-witch, what’s her name?” Feeling as if she’s going to pass out, her head falls back to Michael’s chest, clinging to him, “My Aunt Myrtle, Cordelia, AND Madison?” “Madison, that’s it. I only remember her as the one who was desperate to get fucked, or fuck someone. No matter, that’s her. I told your Aunt and her merry band of witches that they couldn’t have you. I informed them that we would never be separated again, and that we were expecting”, taking a deep breath, pausing for a moment, “that’s when things got- delicate.” “Delicate?” looking up at Michael, thinking that perhaps her Aunt and sister witches weren’t happy about her pregnancy, but knowing that what they thought about it mattered not to her. As much as she loved these women, she loved Michael more- she always had. Right now, her baby and Michael were her main priorities. “Well, they gave me some information that I was taken back by”, kissing the top of Mallory’s head, holding her close. “I was angry at them for years for taking you away from me. I blamed them for Harper’s death, when they had no part in it. I actually owe my eternal gratitude to them.” Looking up again, feeling more puzzled than ever, “You feel grateful to them?” “Yes. Let me go back and explain. You knew from the beginning I never knew my birth mother. I didn’t know anything about her, no one ever discussed it. Cordelia and your Aunt Myrtle explained to me that you might be in danger. I was certain it was a trick to stop me from killing or banishing them. However, I sensed no deception in what they were telling me, so I allowed them to proceed. They went on to explain how they sent that traitor Behold and the whore to our home. Knowing they’d been in our house brought up rage I haven’t felt in years, until-“ closing his eyes, holding Mallory closer, “they explained to me how my birth mother died.” Sensing how upset this made Michael, Mallory, squeezed him tighter, trying to be reassuring. “Mallory”, looking down at her sorrowful, taking her beautiful face in his hands, “my birth mother died giving birth to me. She hemorrhaged to death after an exhausting labor”, for the first time in so many years, Mallory can see the hit of tears welling in Michael’s eyes, “I killed my mother, Mallory. I told you so many years ago I was a monster. I truly am.” Clinging to him, closing her eyes, “NO! No, Michael! You’re no monster. It’s not your fault. I’m so sorry about your birth mother, I mean that”, looking up into his eyes, taking his face in her hands, “Michael, it’s a horrible unfortunately truth about childbirth, sometimes women do die. It’s not the baby’s fault, and most of the time it’s not the mother’s fault- she didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.” Turning his head, knowing it’s his damned father who has a hand in it all, but unable to bring himself to say the words aloud, “Mallory, when your Aunt Myrtle and Cordelia arrived at our home, the day you lost Harper, you were so close to death” pulling her in close, knowing he’ll never forgive himself for leaving her that fateful day. “Your fate was dangerously close to that of my mother’s.” Looking up at him, making the connection at last, “Michael, what… what does-“ cutting her off, “It means, your body knew you couldn’t carry Harper to term, only my” pausing for a moment, “my father had a hand in my mother’s death. Had it not for your Aunt Myrtle and Cordelia, he would’ve taken you from me forever. I’ve spent my entire life hating your aunt and Cordelia for taking you away from me, when all they were doing was trying to protect you.” “Michael, I. I don’t know what to say? This is a lot to take in.” “I told you it would be my love. Unfortunately, that’s not everything”, moving his hand down, caressing the small bump in her stomach softly, able to feel the strong heartbeat of his child. “Mallory, with our powers and lineage being what it is, our child will have a shorter gestation than that of other children. Our child will grow larger, quickly. Instead of the normal 36 to 40 weeks of pregnancy, you’ll do well to make it to 24 weeks”, Michael stated matter-of-factly. Looking up at Michael, nodding confused as to what’s so upsetting about this? As long as their baby is born healthy, she doesn’t mind how soon or late it arrives. “We have to monitor you extremely carefully, as the baby is depleting all of your energy. I had to perform a transference of energy earlier. Myrtle and Cordelia informed me that as your get further along, it will require all of us to give you energy. We are going to have to monitor your gestation very carefully. When our baby is strong and viable, Cordelia is going to remove the baby and placenta from you to prevent hemorrhaging once again.” Nodding in understanding, placing her small hand upon her belly, feeling so many emotions all at once. Unable to speak, closing her eyes as the tears began to fall like rain. “Oh Michael, I just want to give you a child-“ Stopping her before she can go on, tilting her chin up to look at him, “And you shall. Our child will grow strong, and you will be a wonderful mother, just like we always dreamt. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, or our children. I swear this to you, Mallory.

 Unable to stop herself from eavesdropping, Myrtle heard the entire heartfelt confession and proclamation to Mallory. Walking softly back to the fire, taking a seat next to Cordelia. “You know, I never thought I’d ever utter such words from my lips, I have to give the young man credit.” Cordelia looking over to Myrtle, shocked.

“I know. I know Delia. If I hadn’t heard him myself, I’d be unable to believe it. He told her everything. He, Michael Langdon, the prince of sin, himself, admitted he was wrong.” “Myrtle, were… were we wrong? I mean, I look around at the state of the world, and all he did, and I assure myself that we made the right decision taking Mallory away, but did we? Had we reunited them a few years later, would things have ended up this way? Would we have been able to steer him down a different path?” “Delia, you mustn’t dwell on such things. Right now, we need to focus on keeping Mallory and her baby safe. Michael’s father isn’t going to be pleased. Not only did he choose his beloved Mallory, one of the strongest witches to ever live, over him, he got her pregnant for not the first, but second time. His father will do whatever he can to take that child, and Mallory from Michael.”

 “I know, Myrtle- that’s what I fear the most, the retribution for all of this. If he takes her, again, it will be Michael, and Michael alone who would be able to perform Descensum to retrieve her. I fear for both of their safety if this were to happen.” Lighting a cigarette, taking a long, slow drawl, looking into the fire, “Delia, let’s not dwell upon that. What we need to do is regroup a plan to get out of this mess. I can’t bear staying in this dungeon one second longer than necessary.” Performing Tempus Infinituum was originally the plan. Mallory was going to reverse time and stop the Apocalypse. Now that she’s pregnant, Mallory will be much more hesitant if not outright opposed to going back in time and erasing the existence of her child, or children as it may be. She’s already lost one child, there’s no way she will give up Michael and their child once again. “Myrtle, if Mallory and Michael performed Tempus Infinituum together, before the baby is born, perhaps Mallory would be open to going back in time. In theory, if they were successful in reaching the time period they need, Michael can stop the Apocalypse, himself, and as a strong unit within the Coven, we would be able to protect Mallory and their child. As it stands right now, we’re all sitting ducks. Michael included.” Eavesdropping on the witches, being the highly clairvoyant Warlock that he is, Michael hears the plans being made. As much as he HATES admitting the witches could be right about anything, especially after everything they’ve done to him and Mallory, he realizes they have a point. They are ALL sitting ducks. In his haste to appease his father and Mrs. Mead, he was a dutiful son doing all that had been asked of him. Having it drilled into him since he was a teen that he was the chosen one, and he must fulfill the prophecy and create the new world. It was easy for Michael to be manipulated once Mallory was erased from his memory. Cordelia was correct in wondering if they made a mistake. They made a fatal mistake, but hindsight is 20/20. All of Michael’s grand plans and dedication to his father went out the window when he found his precious Mallory once again. He directly disobeyed his father by not killing all of the witches and committing the ultimate betrayal to his father: marrying the strongest witch to ever live and then getting her pregnant. For the second time. Not the first. The second.

 Holding Mallory close as she cries, feeling her petite hands clinging to him, feeling so helpless as to how to comfort her. He doesn’t know the words to say to take away the fear, because right now he knows he’d be lying if he said everything is going to be alright. Placing a soft kiss atop her head, leaning her chin back so he can look down into her eyes. He sees the utter despair. The fear of losing yet another child, the fear of losing him. He sees it all. What’s left of his heart is crushed at this moment. Unable to keep up his strong façade, a small stream of tears began to fall from the side of his eyes. “Mallory, my darling, I will give my life to protect you and our child. This I swear to you. No matter what, you will never have to live in fear. I will never allow anyone or anything to hurt you.” Reaching up to wipe the tears from his eyes, caressing his cheek, “Michael, I love you more than anything. I couldn’t go on without you. You are the air I breathe. Together, we are one, always. Promise me, no matter what, you’ll never leave me.”

 Looking down into her sweet doe eyes, seeing hope and unconditional love in them just as he always did, “My love, I swear to you, I will never leave you”, pulling her in close, laying her head against his heart. Michael Langdon just made a promise he’s not sure he can keep, and it’s eating at him. Anyone but Mallory. He’d lie with the smoothest tongue to anyone but Mallory. She never deserved any evil to befall her. He has to find a way, even if it’s with the help of the witches.

[silke-doomflare]

Meet the character: Ainu

BASICS

► Name ➔  “Ainu”, the tiny lalafell answers politely and bows. “Ainu Wanyuudo. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

► Are you single ➔ “What an odd question.” She eyes you up and down, her eyes slightly narrowed. “Why are you asking? Are you up to something?”

► Are you happy ➔  She rolls her eyes. “’Happy...’ One of those words I’ve never truly understood. Oh well, I guess I’m happy enough. I have a job I like and steady income... Actually I’m making the most gil of our family, apart from my mother.”

► Are you angry? ➔  Ainu smiles widely. “Funny that you asked, since I haven’t been this angry in ages. It takes quite a lot to make me angry. This certain thug tried to murder my mother not too long ago, and I’m plotting a vengeance worth of such a deed”, she states casually, like she’d be talking about weather.

► Are your parents still married ➔  “I only have my adoptive mother, and as far as I’ve understood, she prefers to stay alone. Which I, of course, perfectly understand. Romance would only be a risk and hindrance in the criminal underworld.”

EIGHT FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “Kugane. I stayed there for the first half of my life, and the second half I spent traveling and training around the far east.”

► Hair Color ➔ “Black?” she asks slightly confused, and glances upwards at her bangs. “Yep. So it’d seem.”

► Eye Color ➔ Ainu rolls her eyes again. She marches closer, looks up to you and pulls her lower eyelid slightly downwards, so that you can see the blood red orb clearly.

► Birthday ➔ “I have no clue about the exact date. I only know it’s sometimes around spring.”

► Mood ➔ “...bored. I am so... bored! You see, I was given this interesting assignment a couple of months ago, but my target has done nothing. Nothing! Either he chickened out just because he’s a coward, or somebody told him I was after him, and he chickened out because... well... he’s still a coward.” Ainu lets out a frustrated sigh. “I do know I have quite a reputation, but I wish people wouldn’t back off from the game because of it. How shameful. One should finish what one starts.”

► Gender ➔ Ainu raises her eyebrows. “Seriously, have you considered glasses?”

► Summer or winter ➔ “Summer absolutely. Working is easier in summer. No footprints.”

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “Afternoon. Most of my work consists of night shifts, and I’m more of a night owl anyway.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ She snorts and looks at you scornfully. “I don’t think I’ve ever experienced any kind of love. I grew up in an environment where such a thing didn’t exist. Besides, as far as I’ve been observing people around me, who are in love, it seems more like a nuisance than something worth pursuing.”

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “I don’t believe in love at all.”

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ Ainu lets out a frustrated sigh. “It should be obvious at this point, but I have never had that kind of relationship. First of all: I would be insane if I let another person that close to me. And secondly: even if such a miracle happened, it would eventually fail, because the other party couldn’t handle everything a pact like that with me would bring with it.”

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  “I think I... maay have broken my mother’s heart at some point. She’s been trying so hard to save me. Though, I’m not quite sure what she’s trying to save me from. She should know by now that I’m not one of those people who need saving.”

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “Commitments? Do you mean my pacts with my customers? No, I’m not afraid of commitments. If I had to name one of those few things in this messed up world I find meaningful, it would be my reputation and bringing honor to the shinobi who trained me.”

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Do hugs received from others count as me hugging them? They do? Then I’ve been hugged, yes.”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “If I have, I’m not aware of it. However, in theory it could be entirely possible. People - well, mostly my family - keeps telling me how cute I am, so I wouldn’t be surprised if others would’ve noticed my charm as well.”

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “Hm. You nosy little cockroach just had to remind me, just for the sake of some interview? ...yes, I have broken my own heart. By believing that if I just was a good girl, she’d love me. If I just tried hard enough, I’d eventually gain her acceptance. And after she had left, I kept believing she’d come back for me. I wasted too many years telling lies to myself. Should’ve realized sooner the only living thing you can trust is yourself.”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ "Lust. Not that I’d be interested in it, but definitely lust rather than love. I think I already made my opinion about love clear earlier, yes?”

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Iced tea, absolutely. I don’t know about you people here, but we drink quite a lot of tea in the east - both hot and cold.”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “Cats. In general, I don’t like animals, but the less trouble they are the more I could say I like them. Besides, do you have any idea what a pain badly trained dogs can be especially to us smallfolk?”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Ainu repeats the word ‘friend’ and sneers. “Now there’s another thing I never learned to understand. People talk about friends like they’d be a good thing. I don’t call them friends, but backstabbers. I’d rather not have any of them.”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “Wild night out - alone.” Ainu smiles charmingly.

► Day or night ➔ “At night I feel most alive. Almost everyone else is asleep, and I’m free to do whatever I want, to whoever I want.”

FOUR HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “In the beginning of my training. I wasn’t used to suddenly having so much different rules to live by, so naturally I rebelled. I couldn’t understand why my mother... - Asagi at this point - would dare to leave me there. Anyhow... I soon realized one couldn’t be a good shinobi without discipline, so I never did it again.”

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “I don’t think I have. My balance is unparalleled.”

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Love”, she answers without thinking. Right after her mouth is twisted into a slightly creepy grin. “But that was before realizing it’s not necessary.”

► Wanted to disappear ➔ “Oh, a couple of times actually, mostly back when I was still in training but had just started practicing with real targets. Not to brag, but nowadays I’m quite good at what I do. Nevertheless, even I can’t completely avoid mistakes. My area of work is one of those were mistakes will likely cost you your life. So, yes... after being sloppy I’ve had angry targets chasing me. Without my training I wouldn’t have had a chance escaping them with these tiny feets of mine.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “I don’t care about either, but if I had to choose one... smile. To be honest, I don’t like to look people in the eye. From their eyes it’s fairly easy to tell are they lying or not. It annoys me, when people are saying something, but their gaze tells they don’t mean a single word.”

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “Shorter. I hate it when people look down on me like I’d be some piece of shite they accidentally stepped on.” Ainu falls silent for a moment, and after a while, shrugs. “Then again... it’s also quite hilarious when people have to bow or kneel before me, when they want to whisper or give me something. I guess being a stump also has its’ boons...”

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ “Attraction of course. The more intelligent people are, the more trouble they usually give me. I prefer situations where I’m the smartest one around.”

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Ainu’s unimpressed expression hints she’d probably rather watch paint dry or grass grow than talk about this kind of subjects. “Well... if I had to choose... hook-up. That wouldn’t tie me to anyone in any way. The less I have people around me the better.”

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “My current family? We get along just fine. ...Apart from some minor disagreements usually considering work and how it’s supposed to be done. Sometimes it makes me wonder would they listen to me more if I had born roegadyn instead.”

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ Ainu giggles, but there’s no genuine amusement in her voice. “Well, at least it hasn’t been normal, if that’s what you mean. It... could’ve been better. I admit seeing happy families and people having fun with their friends tend to make me somewhat bitter, even angry. But perhaps those things just weren’t meant for me. I’m capable of things those regular people are not, and I believe the Kami have bigger plans for me than some boring everyday life.”

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “No, but I probably should have.”

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Yes, and that’s the exact reason why I should’ve ran away. If I had just realized sooner what was going on... But meh... I guess it’s unreasonable to expect a five-year-old or younger to understand your parent is actually a piece of filth you would be better without.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Ainu lets out a frustrated sigh. “Since you seem to be unable to grasp the concept of not having friends, I’m just going to answer your friend-related questions by using my family members instead. Does that sound good? Good.”

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ Ainu pouts while shifting her hands behind her back. “Mostly. My adoptive sisters are both as... tolerable as siblings can be, I think. I’m not so sure about Bella, though, and what she’s going to do with her life. Same with my aunt, Silke. Those two are the only law-abiding citizens of our family - as far as I know at least - so that kind of forces me to keep my eye on them. If a betrayal were to happen, they’d be my main suspects.”

► Who is your best friend ➔ “Aya”, Ainu answers without a moment of hesitation. “If I had to name one thing I truly appreciate in people - besides not stabbing me in the back, obviously - it would be their ability to return my friendly bantering and not get offended by it.”

► Who knows everything about you ➔ Ainu smiles sunnily, before answering: “No one. Though mother is probably quite close to it.”

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My personal connection with Taylor’s discography, part two: Right Where You Left Me

Basically this is just a series I’m doing where I write down my feelings on what each of the Taylor songs means to me personally. Part one was my relationship with It’s Time To Go, which you can find here.

Before we get started with this one though, I just want to mention how much I love this song, even outside of relatability. While I do prefer Taylor’s ‘mature’ voice nowadays, the fact she tapped into her ‘fetus Taylor’/RED era voice in an album filled with her ‘mature’ voice to show that she’s stuck at an age that no longer suitable/where she’s meant to be adds a lot to the song. Likewise, the urgency she uses when saying ‘Help!’ because it feels like an emergency to her makes me want to scream every time I hear it.

Anyway, with that being said, this is how I personally relate to this song.

Right Where You Left Me

As a whole, this song is one of the most relatable songs of Taylor’s for me right now. It is somehow comforting, yet also reads me like a book. It is also one of the many songs Taylor has written that I relate back to the trauma of losing my family. Specifically, Right Where You Left Me feels like a vocalisation of what I feel on the worst of days where I do not feel strong enough to go on alone and just want them to come back. Because of this, Taylor’s ‘immature’ voice adds even more to the song as the situation it relates to in my own life makes me feel like a child crying out for their parents to help them.

Friends break up, friends get married

Basically I’m at this part of my life where it feels like all my friends are hitting these milestones that not only do I not feel close to hitting, I just have no interest in hitting them because I’m too focused on what happened with my family.

Strangers get born, strangers get buried

In the last year or so, I found out through facebook that I am an aunt and via the phone that my grandfather, someone who called me their favourite grandchild, had died. These are people who should in theory mean the world to me, but instead, they were born/died strangers to me, as will any other members of my family. And as a result, I felt nothing hearing the news.

Trends change, rumors fly through new skies. But I'm right where you left me. Matches burn after the other

Time has passed, but I still stuck in that moment, so much so that things that used to catch my interest no longer phase me.

Pages turn and stick to each other

A lot of people have spoken about how this song is about trauma, but I feel like this line is often left out of the conversation when it’s perhaps the most obvious show of it. When you’re traumatised, time all blurs together and as a result, you often find yourself in a position where you’re questioning how you even got there or feeling like you’ve missed part of the story. And part of this goes with my friends’ lives too. Like it feels like I am so stuck in the moment my family fell apart that I wake up some days noticing my friends have made these achievements that I didn’t even know they were working up for despite them telling me things I just do not remember. In non-traumatised terms, it’s almost like being invited to a wedding where you thought the bride was still single.

Wages earned and lessons learned. But I'm right where you left me

Obviously life has still gone on for both myself and my family. None of us have just stayed in bed for almost six years doing literal nothing, at least from what I know. I’ve started and finished my degrees, assumingly my family has gone to work etc and I’ve been able to reflect on what went wrong and why not to trust them again. But despite that, it still feels like just yesterday that this all went down. The damage losing my family has done is and may always be a fresh wound.

Help, I'm still at the restaurant, still sitting in a corner I haunt cross-legged in the dim light. They say, "What a sad sight"

Continuing from the above, I am still traumatised and don’t really know how to move past this. And while most of my friends have tried to help, there’s nothing they can realistically do but say that they’re sorry that it happened.

I swear you could hear a hair pin drop right when I felt the moment stop. Glass shattered on the white cloth

Christmas Day 2015. Before then my sister had been in a two year cycle of running away but coming back for special events to get gifts. So when she didn’t show on Christmas, I knew she wasn’t coming back. Also the moment I read the facebook messages from my extended family stating that they’d rather I starve and be homeless than speak to my father about helping put the family back together.

Everybody moved on. I stayed there. Dust collected on my pinned up hair

Again the continuation of the idea that it feels like everyone around me has moved on and done amazing things and I’ve just sat here, achieving nothing.

They expected me to find somewhere, Some perspective. But I sat and stared right where you left me

My family falling apart was one of those ‘everyone knew before me’ moments. Like friends of mine have flat out pointed out that the signs were there from when I was like ten. And yet, part of me held on thinking that anyone in my family would come back and fix things someday.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

Again, so much time has passed since then and everyone else (barring my mother) seems to have moved on, leaving this trauma behind as just a memory and yet it feels incomprehensible that this happened and that I was meant to do anything afterwards until this got sorted.

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy, how it was supposed to be

I still spend so so much time wishing things were different and imagining all these different events in our lives that the other should be at and how it should have been even though I know at the end of the day that just breaks my heart worse when I am forced to reconcile that that’s never going to happen.

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

I spent two years truly believing my father would eventually realise how messed up the situation was and reuniting my sister and extended family with me, my brother and/or mother even though he had the means to do so the whole time but didn’t. Or that my sister would come home on her own at 18 knowing mum couldn’t set boundaries anymore. Or at very least, one of the extended family would call and ask how they could help. Like I had zero reason to have faith in these people anymore, and yet I sat around like a delusional idiot truly thinking that 2015 wasn’t the end for my family.

Breakups happen every day, you don't have to lose it

In an attempt to either make me feel better or just move past the subject, I’ve had people in my life constantly compare it to their siblings who came back or their parents divorce where they still speak to both parents or just generally telling me that I’ve gotta forget them and just move on to be okay. And while well meaning, it has just felt more isolating and like they want me to just shut up for their sakes, even if they don’t mean it to. As a result, I’ve been left to fester more about it, because outside therapy, I have nowhere to put that energy. And as someone who feels like they can “infodump”/rant and then move on, at least for a while, it’s the most frustrating thing.

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy and you're sitting in front of me at the restaurant when I was still the one you want, cross-legged in the dim light. Everything was just right

While it was not the last day I had with her, the last positive memory I have of my sister was when the three of us went to Merimbula, my then favourite place in the world, to visit my grandmother in January 2015. It was the time in my life where I was the happiest, both with myself and how the rest of my life was going, and felt that everything was going to work out. We had just moved my sister to a different school away from the people who were pushing her to act out (they later transferred to the same school :/), I was about to start my degree, I felt the most recovered from my PTSD, Bipolar and Eating Disorder than I ever had and I felt the most loved I ever had, both by my family and others. Looking back at the photos from that trip, I also noticed that it’s the only photos I’ve smiled in and the most huggy I’ve ever been towards my sister and father.

I could feel the mascara run. You told me that you met someone

This line specifically feels aimed at my father and the moment in 2017 he told me that he’d rather stick with my sister and allow her to do whatever she likes than stand by my side and try to reconnect the family and I realised that that was never going to change.

I'm sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas. But I'm unaware ‘cause I'm right where

Like I said, I know I have a nephew that I’ll never meet now. I know my younger cousins are probably getting married and having these other events, but I’m never going to be part of that and I can’t even comprehend having those events for myself after what happened. The specific mention of Christmas also feels like a kick in the guts not only as the day that I realised my sister wasn’t coming back, but that was the main time we saw everyone from the extended family and would literally spend like 12 hours at my uncle’s place for the day.

I cause no harm, mind my business

Again, I just cannot find it in myself to do anything anymore. I don’t get involved in things I used to, I don’t make new connections and I can’t bring myself to explain what happened. I just go through the motions of living the same day, over and over.

If our love died young I can't bear witness

Quite frankly, I’ve pushed this shit so far to the back of my head because I just cannot face the pain, even after all this time. Like taking a ‘out of sight, out of mind’ approach and trying to rationalise it to myself that everyone else was right and this was inevitable is the only way I’ve been getting through each day because the alternative is that none of this had to happen but still did.

And it's been so long. But if you ever think you got it wrong I'm right where you left me

This is the child in me screaming out and begging me to reach out to them on the bad days that I want them all back and can’t do this alone.

You left me no, you left me no

The disbelief. Like none of this can be real. Like my father and extended family couldn’t have decided a broken family was better than the work it takes to fix one, right? My mother can’t be so torn up in her own grief that by her own accord, has admitted she will never love me, right? It just all cannot be real. But it is.

You left me no choice but to stay here forever

And to finish off, we have a triple meaning line.

The father version: By manipulating events and turning my mother, brother and I into the villains, he has forced us into a future where we do not have family. He has brought on grief to my mother that I am expecting her to die at her own hand soon. And he has left me living in my fantasies of what could have been.

The mother version: Within her own grief, my mother is living in a mindset where anyone wanting to move on from this and have a life is selfish and is herself constantly talking about it and giving ultimatums to listen to and agree with her or refuse to pay bills, which I need her to do as someone who is financially dependent on her. Ironically, she also shuts down any inkling that my brother and I have been affected by this to the level she has and refuses to entertain us talking about that in the household. Both of which mean I am forced to relive this over and over without the recovering aspects that I need.

The me version: Basically the combination of the two above. Because I have not been given the chance to recover in the way I need and do not have an outlet outside of therapy to properly work through this, I am forced to relive the events with myself each night just to try and make sense of it all. Further, the trauma has hit so deep that again, even the idea of starting new relationships whether they be familiar, romantic or platonic seems both unworthy of my attention and horrifically terrifying because it still feels like I am unloveable because if my own family, the people who are meant to love you forever, have abandoned me, why would anyone else stay?

[nastybuckybarnes]

A Broken Fairytale  -  Four

Pairing: Prince!Bucky x Reader AU

Summary: Sold by your mother, you work as a servant for the King and Queen of Acadia. The Prince, much to his initial dismay, takes a liking to you. When a wicked woman intervenes, your life is nothing more than a prison sentence. With a war on the horizon and a betrothal to a missing Princess that he can’t escape, Bucky is forced to be the Prince -and King- that his father wants. A pawn in a bigger game than the two of you realize.

Warnings: Angst, Language (Maybe), Fluff (Squint for it)

Word Count: 5K

A/N: Now we’re getting somewhere. Plz enjoy dis

SERIES MASTERLIST MASTERLIST UNEDITED CAUSE IM A SILLY GOOSE

~*~

“Rumour has it you’re going to the ball tomorrow night in a new fancy dress, as Prince Steve’s personal guest.” You find yourself smiling as you polish the marble floors. May stands a few feet away, cleaning the large stained-glass windows.

“He insisted. Taught me to dance too.” She laughs softly. “Mary showed me the gown. It's beautiful. I can hardly wait to see what it looks like on you.” You giggle, “she hasn’t let me allowed me near it. I can only imagine what it looks like. I’ve been dreaming about it for days.” You sigh wistfully. “You didn’t hear it from me, but Prince Steve has gotten you some jewelry and lip rouge as well. Oh, you’ll so beautiful. I just hope you and Wanda don’t get too comfortable out there with all those dukes and duchesses and princesses and princes.”

You turn to her with a soft smile, “never.”

~

“Goodness, Steven. Your skills are... incredible. Truly. This is really just... utterly exquisite,” Queen Winifred whispers. Steve chuckles nervously and scratches the nape of his neck. “Well... I’ve recently found some inspiration.” He flips to the first sketch of you and his aunt and mother both gasp.

“That’s... (Y/n). The new one. Such a beauty,” Sara whispers while admiring the detailed sketch. Steve’s managed to catch every perfection. “She’ll be my guest tomorrow night. After all the hardships she’s been forced to endure in her life, a night of the finer things is the least I can offer her. She deserves it.”

Sara smiles at her son, “do you fancy her?” He chuckles and shakes his head. “No mother. Although she’s beautiful and smart with a kind heart and a good spirit, I fancy a different dame.”

Queen Winifred laughs gently while Sara ponders something.

“What is it, mother?” She looks up then sighs. “It’s foolish, but... the princess of Corona was taken as a baby nearly nineteen years ago. (Y/n), who is quite possibly from Corona, is almost nineteen. She was adopted as an infant by a wicked and cruel woman who might even be the type to kidnap a child in order to get her way. Perhaps?” Steve’s eyes widen at his mother’s suggestion.

“You think... you think (Y/n) is the lost Princess of Corona?” Queen Winifred thinks about this for a moment. “It is a possibility, but why then would Lady Griffon willingly give her to us? That seems counter-productive. If her goal is to stop the marriage.”

“Well, she sold (Y/n) as a servant girl, giving the impression that she isn’t who she truly is?” Sara purses her lips at her son's suggestion then nods. “I don’t think we should rule out her being the lost princess. Her locket is made out of silver which is quite common amongst the wealthy and royal in Corona. And it seems to be enchanted, which isn’t uncommon in our neighbouring kingdom,” Steve says.

“I want you to find out every little thing you can about her. And this shall stay between the three of us. No one else is to hear a breath about our theories. If (Y/n) is indeed the Princess, then I fear she may be in danger even here,” the Queen says sternly.

As the other two are nodding the door to Steve’s study gets pushed open.

“There you are, Steve. Mother, Aunt Sara.” Bucky bows quickly to the two women.

“My, what have we here?” The young prince looks at the sketch, his eyebrows raising. “This is (Y/n), correct?” Steve nods. “Your skills have certainly improved, punk,” Bucky teases while looking at the other drawings of you. “You fancy her, don’t you?” Steve simply rolls his eyes. “She provided inspiration. Innocence and beauty all encompassed in one.” Bucky nods, deep in thought.8

“Well, I suppose we’ll take our leave now,” Winifred says before walking out of the room with Sara right behind her.

“These are actually magnificent, Steve. Unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Would... can...” He groans as his cousin laughs at his flustered state.

“What? Would you like one? Or two perhaps? Maybe the entire sketchbook? I thought appreciating her beauty would do no one any good or whatever stupid excuse you spewed.” Bucky punches his shoulder.

“Quit being a punk. I just want one.” Steve smirks but carefully pulls out one of the finer sketches of you and hands it to his cousin. “It’s all yours. Do with it what you’d like, just don’t tell me what you’re doing.” Bucky punches him again and Steve snickers to himself.

The brunet holds the paper with a gentle hand, admiring the way you look in the picture. Beauty and innocence, just as Steve said.

~

“Okay... almost finished... just one last finishing flower...” Mary trails off and you twiddle your thumbs nervously as Wanda continues covering your eyes while Mary pulls on the gown clinging to your figure. “Okay, I’m gonna put your mask on and a tad bit of lip rouge. Then you’ll be ready.” You fight a smile as Wanda lifts her hands, only for a smooth cool fabric to take their place.

“Oh, you look like an Angel right out of heaven! Now, a teeny tiny bit of lip rouge, not too much because we don’t want to take away from the entire ensemble. Pucker your lips a tad, darling.” You do as she asks and jump slightly as you feel something waxy on your lips.

“Alright dear. You can look now.” You snap your eyes open and spin around in your new flats.

Your jaw drops as you see yourself in the mirror.

The gown is incredible. With a dark blue-grey chest, a navy blue bow cinching your waist and making you look curvier. The skirt is made of a lovely pink fabric, covered in a navy chiffon-type fabric. It has small fabric flowers and gems decorating it, but not too many. The mask is the same pink as the gown, however, it has gold trim and some embellishments in the same colour, as well as a little bow and some lace.

You look... stunning. Like royalty.

“Wow. You look beautiful.” You look to the voice and smile. “Thank you, Pietro. You look quite handsome.” He chuckles then walks to his sister, who looks absolutely gorgeous in a floor-length, figure-hugging red velvet dress. Her mask matches her dress and her hair is flowing down her back.

“Steve asked me to escort you to the ball. He’ll meet you there for a dance.” You smile lightly. “So you’ll be escorting not one beautiful woman but two to the Queen's masquerade ball? Will you dance with us both?” Wanda teases. Her outfit matches her brothers and you can’t help but smile at that.

“I do plan on dancing with both of you at some point tonight, however, I think Steve craves the first dance with you, (Y/n).” You smile timidly and Wanda giggles, “does he fancy her, do you think?” You shake your head furiously, “Steve and I are just friends. Nothing more.” Wanda smirks deviously at you.

“You don’t fancy Steve... what about Prince James? Do you fancy him? You have been looking at him quite often ever since he ran into in the library. When the two of you talked for quite some time.” You shake your head again, “I hardly know him, Wanda. How could I possibly fancy someone I know nothing about?” She shrugs, a sly smile still plastered on her face.

“Then why are you fiddling so much? And why do you always fiddle when he comes up in conversation?” She motions to where your fingers are playing with a bead on your dress. “You like his royal stiffness? Pain-in-the-ass Prince James? Bitchy Bucky?” You glare at the twins. “No. I don’t. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be your concern and it wouldn’t matter anyway. He's royalty, and I’m not.” Pietro gingerly links his arm through yours.

“You could be a Princess. There’s something... regal and royal about you. You should be wearing a crown, not scrubbing the floors.” You smile gently up at him. “I should be here with Wanda and May. If I were born royal then I might not have met you or any of my friends. I like who I am.” He smiles and presses a kiss to your cheek.

“Now, we should be going. I can hear music and laughter already,” Wanda says while taking her brother’s other arm. Pietro escorts the two of you to the ball, smiling as he meets up with Sam, Nat, and Clint.

“I see you’ve already taken (Y/n) for yourself,” Sam says, looking you up and down. “You look like royalty. You’ll make visiting Princesses jealous.” You laugh softly, “thank you, Sam.” He smiles and offers you his arm.

After a glance to Pietro, an eye roll and a nod given, you let go of his arm and take Sam’s.

“Steve’ll be arriving shortly, along with Bucky, the King, the Queen, and Lady Sara,” Sam informs as you reach the ballroom doors. You nod, your jaw almost dropping as you enter the ballroom.

It’s filled with people -men and women- dressed to the nines in clothes that cost more than you’ll make in your entire lifetime.

“Incredible, isn’t it?” Nat asks while coming up beside you in a light green dress with a mask to match. “It’s... intimidating if I’m being honest.” Natasha rests a hand on your shoulder.

“You look like you belong here. Even if you feel like you don’t, you look like you do, so act like it. No one will know anything that’s true or not.” You smile at her words and take a big breath in. Squaring your shoulders you raise your head and walk with Sam into the room.

The people you pass stop their conversations and stare at you as Sam leads you to the centre of the room right across from a large staircase.

Conversations hardly have time to grow before a horn sounds loudly, gathering everyone’s attention.

“May I present Lady Sara, Her Majesty Queen Winifred, and his Majesty King George.” The royal family walks down the stairs as graceful as swans with their chins held up high and smiles on their faces.

“Wow. (Y/n) you look... incredible.” You smile shyly up at the man speaking, having recognized his voice. “Thank you, your highness.” Sam snickers while Steve rolls his eyes.

“Now, I must steal you from Sam. May I?” Sam places your hand in Steves and you find yourself giggling as Steve walks you deeper into the room.

“Mary absolutely outdid herself,” Steve says while admiring your gown and mask. “She did. You look rather dashing yourself.” His cheeks flush and he looks down while chuckling.

He’s wearing a well-tailored grey suit and a matching mask. The suit hugs his body perfectly and the mask brings out the vibrant blue in his eyes. And of course, there’s a lovely silver crown sitting atop his blond hair.

He smiles at you then takes a small half-step away from you as the band starts playing again.

“(Y/n), may I be the first of many men to ask tonight, if I may have the honour of this dance?” You beam up at him.”Of course, Steve.” He takes your hand in his and places his other hand on your waist. You bring your free hand up to his shoulder and start dancing with him.

People around you mumble and whisper. as Steve dances you around the floor.

“They’re wondering who you are. They know who I am, but no one knows the Princess I’m dancing with,” he whispers, the cool fabric of his mask brushing against your cheek. You look down, away from the curious and envious eyes of the upper-class men and women.

“They’re making me quite nervous,” you reply softly, grinning as he chuckles.

“Well, I doubt any of them know who you are. So what they think doesn’t matter anyway.” You nod, trying to let his words ease your nerves.

The song comes to a close and Steve sighs.

“Excuse me,” a smooth voice says, “but may I?”

You look up at the man and smile awkwardly as he takes Steve’s place. A new song starts and you dance with him, feeling exceptionally nervous.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met you,” he says after a moment, his brown eyes warm and filled with wonder. “You haven’t. This is the first ball I’ve ever attended.”  He spins you then nods. “You’re stunning. Have you any suitors? Husbands?” You shake your head no. “None at all.” He smiles, “what a shame for them. I’d like-” a hand is on his shoulder, stopping him from dancing with you.

“May I cut in?” That voice makes butterflies swarm in your stomach. “Of course, your highness.” The man disappears and Prince James takes his place, one of his hands fitting perfectly in yours while the other rests comfortably on the curve of your waist.

He starts leading you in a dance, keeping your body close to his.

“You look ravishing,” he whispers, his thumb rubbing on your hip. “Why thank you, your majesty.” He smiles, his hand slowly moving around your waist.

“Do you have a name?” You grin as you realize he doesn’t know who you are, a wave of confidence washing over you.

“I do have a name.” He chuckles and pulls you closer to his warm body. “May I be so bold as to ask what it is?” You pull your bottom lip between your teeth, trying - and failing- to contain your smile. “Maybe. But do you deserve to know?” You’re honestly not sure where this much confidence comes from, but you’re liking it more than you want to admit.

“I think I do. But let’s say, for argument's sake, that I don’t deserve to know. What could I do to change that?” You slowly look up, your eyes lingering on his pink lips before moving up to his stormy orbs.

“I suppose I’ll have to think about that,” you whisper. His eyes flash down to your lips and you can’t help but lick them/ His fingers flex on your waist and you smile, watching as his eyes meet yours again. “Please do.”

The two of you dance in silence for a few minutes before he chuckles. “What?” You ask, smiling slightly, “do I amuse you?” He shakes his head and sighs heavily.

“You’ve bewitched me. Your voice... your beauty... like nothing I’ve ever experienced in all of my years. Have you and suitors?”

You swear your jaw drops.

“Forgive me, Prince James, but are you not betrothed? To the Princess of Corona?” He shakes his head and looks deep into your eyes. “I do not wish to marry someone who I know nothing about.” You find yourself giggling softly.

“And what do you know about me?” He looks down, seemingly shy. “I know that you’re like no woman I’ve ever met before. I know that I know nothing about you when I’d really just like to know everything. I know that not a day will pass where I don’t think of you. You’ll be in my every dream ‘till the day I die.”

You can’t seem to find any words.

“I’ll ask my father and yours if I can court you. If you’d give me the opportunity, of course.” You’re shocked, to put it lightly. “I-I can’t. You’re betrothed. I couldn’t interfere with that. I’m sorry, Prince James, but I cannot.”

You break away from him and hurry out of the ballroom, desperate to breathe. You remove your mask and lean against the wall, trying desperately to catch your breath.

“You weren’t sold to go to balls and celebrations as a guest,” an all-too-familiar voice says. You straighten up and look at the woman.

“Step-mother,” you begin, “I was invited. By Prince Steve-” a slap to the face cuts you off and you gasp, tears pricking your eyes. “You won’t speak of the Princes! You are filth!” She raises her hand to strike you again and you squeeze your eyes shut, waiting for the pain.

When it never comes, you open your eyes.

Steve’s holding your step-mothers wrist and another woman is rushing over to your side, giving little thought to her expensive gown as she slides down to the floor beside you.

“Guards!” Steve calls, “escort Lady Griffon and her daughters out of here. Don’t make a scene about it either.” You watch as the woman who raised you gets escorted out of the palace that has recently become your home.

“Are you alright, child?” The woman beside you asks, her voice gentle and soft. “Yes, I-I believe I am. Thank you.” She smiles and lightly places her hand on your shoulder. “(Y/n) I’m so sorry,” Steve says. You wave off his apology and take a deep breath, trying to calm down.

“Queen Valerie, thank you for letting me know. (Y/n), this is Queen Valerie of Corona. Queen Valerie, this is (Y/n). A very close friend of mine.” You look at the woman beside you and scramble to your feet, only to bow before her. “Y-your Highness.” She shakes her head and stands up, “no need for that. You’re sure you’re alright?” You nod your head yes then clear your throat.

“I... I’m going to retire to my chambers. Thank you for inviting me, Steve. Queen Valerie, I hope you enjoy the rest of the night.” They nod and watch as you hurry up a flight of stairs.

“Where’s she from?” Queen Valerie asks while Steve’s escorting her back to the ballroom.

“We’re not sure. She was adopted by Lady Griffon as a baby. She has a locket that seems to be enchanted from Corona so we do believe she may be from there. How she ended up here, I know not. Perhaps you have an idea?” The Queen on his arm clutches her necklace tightly.

“I mustn’t let myself hope,” she whispers softly, letting go of Steve’s arm and heading back to find her husband, leaving the young prince confused out of his wits.

~

“Mother, Father, I need your help!” Bucky exclaims, walking to where his parents are seated. “What is it, my son?” Winifred asks concern lacing her voice.

“A dame, beautiful as a sunrise. I want to court her. She’s...” He trails off while looking around, trying to find you.

“My son, you know you are to be marred. There’s no way you could court her. What is her name?” Bucky stares at the door where he saw you last.

“I don’t know. But mother, her voice was that of an angel. Her eyes sparkled brighter than diamonds. Her smile... I have no words to describe her beauty.”

Winifred sighs and takes her sons hand. “If everything fails with Corona, then you may court the girl. Is she a Duchess? Or perhaps a Princess?” Bucky sighs and shrugs his shoulders.

“She was dancing with the Duke of Winchester,” King George chimes in, looking around the room.

“I’ll ask him!” Bucky practically runs through the crowd.

“You shouldn't give him hope, George. He’s betrothed. You know he’s meant to marry the Princess of Corona,” Winifred scolds. “Let the boy have his fun. He knows his responsibilities. And if we go to war with Corona, he’ll have this Duchess or Princess or whoever she is. You’ll get a grandchild or two and James will get a strong heir to the throne.” The Queen sighs at her husband and watches as her son talks to the Duke.

“I found her dancing with Prince Steve. A beautiful one, she is. I plan to court her, as soon as I figure out who her father is.” Bucky clenches his hands into fists and smiles tightly at the Duke before setting off to find his cousin.

“Steve! Who were you dancing with?” The blond looks up, slightly startled. “Who?” Bucky groans at his cousin’s response. “She was wearing pink. Her eyes, they’re beautiful and (e/c). She was... a dream.”

Steve raises his eyebrows and chuckles. “You mean (Y/n)?” Bucky freezes, his eyes wide and his mouth agape. “(Y/)? Like... servant girl (Y/n)?” Steve nods slowly and Bucky curses. “Why? Is something wrong?” Bucky pulls Steve into the hallway and looks around to make sure they’re alone, then he rips his mask off and tosses it aside.

“She’s. stunning. Beautiful and witty. I asked if I could court her. But she’s not of noble blood. Fuck. What do I do?” Steve pats his cousin's shoulder.

“Talk to her. You don’t need to formally court her. Does your mother know that you fancy her?” He asks. “Yes, but she reminded me of my betrothal when I spoke of her.” Steve snickers despite his cousin’s glare.

“Winifred knew that was (Y/n). I had her help me design the dress.” Bucky chuckles at this, his anger momentarily forgotten. “Of course she did. She enjoys seeing me in pain.” Steve sighs and looks towards the staircase where you disappeared to. “Lady Griffon was here. She got mad and struck (Y/n). I had the vile woman escorted out and (Y/n) went to her chambers. You should go check on her.” Bucky looks at his cousin as if he’d grown a second head.

“Lady Griffon Struck (Y/n)?” Steve nods, “go see if she’s alright.” I’ll cover for you.” Bucky nods before he can think too hard about it. His feet bring him through the Palace and up the stairs until he’s outside of your room.

He knocks twice then slowly pushes the door open, looking around the room for you. Humming from the bathroom gets his attention and he realizes you must be bathing.

Just as he’s about to turn and leave, you walk out of the bathroom. Bucky’s frozen, staring at you and you’re frozen, staring at him.

You're wrapped in a thin towel, water dripping down your skin and pooling at your feet.

“Your Highness. W-what are you doing in here?” He doesn’t answer, too busy staring at your body. You shift nervously and his eyes snap up to yours. “Why didn’t you tell me it was you?”

You swallow hard and hold the towel tighter around your body.

“I… I didn’t want to ruin the fantasy.”

He walks towards you and you back up, gasping as your back hits the wall.

“You’re a fantasy? A dream? No, you’re much more than that.” He cages you against the wall between his strong arms and stares in your eyes.

“W-what do you mean? What do you want from me?” He closes his eyes for a moment before cracking a half-smile. “I told you,” he whispers, “I want to court you.” You cast your eyes down, shaking your head at him.

“I met Queen Valerie. You’re betrothed to her daughter. I don’t want to interfere,” you breathe.

He carefully lifts your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze.

“Tell me you feel nothing. Tell me you don’t want me the way I want you. Tell me that honestly and I’ll leave you be.” You shake your head and close your eyes tightly.

“I’d be lying.”

Those three words are all it takes for his control to shatter.

His hands grip your waist through the towel, holding you tightly as he presses his chest against yours. You pull in a shaky breath, your palms hesitantly resting on his shoulders.

“May I touch you?” You nod breathlessly, gasping as he tugs the towel down a tad. His right-hand cups your cheek while his left ventures beneath the towel, finding your damp skin.

“Someone could come in,” you whisper, head tilting back and eyes staying closed as his lips ghost over your neck.

“Let them,” he murmurs, gently nipping your neck as his left-hand curls around your back under your towel.

You shiver, arching up into him at the foreign feeling of his warm skin on your own. “James.” Your voice is a soft whisper and the Prince grins, his right hand leaving your cheek to pull your towel down a bit more.

“I want you, (Y/n).” You whimper softly, your fingers raking through his soft brown hair. “You’re all I want. Screw my betrothal.” The mention of his betrothal brings you back to reality and you push him off of you.

“This… this isn’t right,” you whisper while pulling the towel tighter around your body.

“Yes. This is right. This is so so right.” He leans down and kisses your lips almost roughly.

“James. James stop,” you mumble against his lips.

He doesn’t stop.

“Stop! Get off of me!” You exclaim, shoving him off of you as hard as you can.

“(Y/n) I-“ “Get out. Get out!”

He looks shocked and reaches out for you.

“Get out now.”

You move under his arm and across the room, eyes staying focused on the Prince.

“(Y/n) please. Just let me-“ “No! You’re to be married and I’m of poor blood! Please, just leave.” Your hands start to tremble as anxiety floods your body.

The Prince turns and leaves without another word, his heart aching and his stomach churning.

~

TAGS:

FOREVER:

@smolbeanbucky  @wildefire @inumorph  @impalatobakerstreet  @nanna022  @mummy-woves-you  @m-a-t-91  @wtfholland  @bookgirlunicorn  @beautifulwisdom2001  @deep-sea-glitter  @mrhiddles-81  @iamwarrenspeace  @bitchacho25 @escapetheshackles  @i-know-i-can @buckyssoul @avnngrs @swoonhui @destiel-artemis @frozenhuntress67

MARVEL:

@fallenangelfangirl @look-to-the-stars-and-wish @maladaptive-ninja-returns @cliffordasparagus @april-14-blog @potteritis @momc95 @shakzer00

BUCKY:

@chuuulip @nerd-without-a-cause @natashasnight @dragonrosegardens

A BROKEN FAIRYTALE:

@starkxpotts @barnesandnoble13 @paranoiadestroyah @theonelittleone @the-loud-and-crazy-rabbit-pirate @derekxsammy @nerd-without-a-cause @coal000 @lilypalmer1987 @consumedbyfanfics @tanelle83 @fultimefangirl @apollolikescello @buckysthing @emilysallysmith @krystallynx @unscriptedtimetraveler @buckyinantarctica @the-surviving-revolutionist @seafrost-fangirl @londonalozzy @roxytheimmortal @strawberryblogg @rosariia25 @godsofimmortality @bookgirlunicorn @ign-is @afterglowamsy @doublephoeenix @littledeadrottinghood @jsmith509 @alexaduke @m00nlightdelights @denimandcabernet @crystalchrysalis19

[littlemisssquiggles]

Pinehead Headcanons: Oscar’s Baobab

yellow-eyed-green-crocodile replied to your post “Pinehead Headcanons: Oscar’s Golden Circle”

What of Ren was the Baobab? Or, rather, it’s removal. In the book, the Little Prince would remove the baobab seed every morning, because the trees brought all kinds of negative emotions and Ren’s Semblance is the muting of those kinds of emotions. What do you say?

Squiggles Answers:

@yellow-eyed-green-crocodile​ Hmm, that’s not a bad concept Yellow. But I was more looking for Ren being represented by an actual character from the Little Prince, similar to how the Fox, Pilot and Rose are legit characters.

Are the Baobab Trees like the Rose in the Prince's story? Were the trees characters themselves or just part of the setting and environment of the planet the Prince was from?

Then again, I do see your point about the Removal of the Baobab Seed fitting Ren and his semblance. Plus I just looked up the nature behind the Baobab Trees and it’s actually quite cool:

“…Their seeds are invisible at first, undetectable until one of them decides to wake up and take root in the planet’s soil. When they are young, they look innocent and cannot be distinguished from the rose bushes (the good plants). However, if they are allowed to grow big enough, they will be unable to get rid of afterwards…”

When it came to the Fox from the Little Prince, one of the reasons why I gravitated so much to this character was because of the underlying lesson it imprinted on the Prince during his travels in regards to taming of the heart, the meaning of love and responsibility. 

It is for this same reason why I could easily picture Nora Valkyrie above any other character in RWBY imparting this message onto Oscar since her relationship with Ren is the very embodiment of the what the Fox taught the Prince; at least according to how I see it.

This is why I started liking the thought of Renora symbolizing the Fox in Oscar’s little prince story since the two are often seen as a pair due to their strong bond and unyielding dedication to one another. I still do like that idea a lot, however if I had to see Ren representing a character from the Little Prince, I guess the message behind tending to the Baobab Tree working just as well.

I can even picture a potential bonding moment for Ren and Oscar with the young huntsman using the analogy of the Baobab Tree to teach Oscar about the emotions of the heart; both the negative and positive. Like imagine it like a moment where Oscar is extremely overwhelmed about something that he is unable to disclose to anyone else.

Once upon a time, in a Rosegarden-inspired RWBY Musing I had posted before Volume 6, I described a theory titled ‘Oscar’s Choice’. In this theory of mine, I depicted a scenario in which Ozpin is gone and Oscar is at his wits end on how to get the old wizard back. He is then approached by James Ironwood with a proposal to separate both his and Ozpin’s souls using Atlas’s experimental aura research. Of course, Oscar is apprehensive about going through with  the procedure given the life-threatening repercussions of it. So Ironwood gives Oscar an opportunity to think things over before making a final decision. However at the same time, the General also advises Oscar not to tell anyone of what the two discussed regarding him undergoing aura experimentation. Classified information and all that rubbish, right?

So Oscar is forced to keep the truth about his potential aura experimentation on the down low. Not even Qrow Branwen was allowed to know which only added to Oscar’s confliction on the matter. Things ultimately get to a point where the pressure of such a detrimental decision starts to weigh heavily on Oscar emotionally. He suddenly becomes very secretive and withdrawn from the group; preferring to spend more time in the company of the General, and the first people to take notice of his sudden change in behaviour are the members of his Golden Circle---Ruby Rose, Jaune Arc, Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren.

Since Ruby has been the social link for Oscar highlighted the most canonically, naturally, Ruby is the first person to acknowledge how strange Oscar has been acting lately, bringing it to the attention of rest of the team including the JNR gang who all share her same levels of concern. Especially Jaune who is reminded on his final moments with Pyrhha leading up to the Fall of Beacon with Oscar’s sudden change in attitude.

I pictured Ruby even being forward enough to try and pry the truth out of Oscar by confronting him in a similar manner he did with her back during the Mistral Days, paralleling the reverse of their dojo scene from V5. Unfortunately for Ruby, her confrontation only serves to push Oscar further away from her…or so, she is led to believe.

Basically in the end, overwhelmed by the pressures of the decision and Ironwood and the enormous guilt he felt from lying to Ruby and the rest of his friends about what was truly going on with him, Oscar is forced to come clean. But he confesses to an unlikely ally. Rather than talking to Ruby, Oscar goes to Ren.

I liked the idea of Oscar turning to Ren due to how well he’s able to control his emotions and remain calm in dire scenarios. At the time, Oscar needed that. Since he was slowly beginning to fall apart from everything, what he needed was someone emotionally stable enough to keep him from crumbling altogether (further emphasizing why I like the concept of Ren and Nora representing the ‘legs’ of Oscar’s Voltron of Friendship since their the two I can see keeping him grounded and upright given their respective natures).

So Oscar discloses the truth to Ren, thinking that Ren would keep his secret for him. But in the end, Ren either convinces Oscar to come clean himself or surprises him by instigating the moment for Oscar to come clean. 

Basically the idea I had back then was that Oscar viewed Ren as someone who would put duty before his own personal feelings in the matter (kind of like Ironwood). However in the end, Ren is forced to intervene since he didn’t want Oscar to follow the same path as Pyrhha. 

We rarely get to see how Pyrhha’s death affected Ren and Nora. We know how much it affected Jaune since the narrative constantly draws attention to it.

It’d be interesting to know that, while Ren wasn’t as devastated as Jaune, he still harboured some feelings of guilt over what became of Pyrhha. Given that his semblance allows him to mask emotions, imagine if Ren somewhat possesses a sort of sixth sense when it comes to interpreting how others feel. Perhaps back during the Beacon Days, Ren did take notice of something being off about Pyrhha but rather than approach her himself, he left it up to Jaune since he shared the closer affiliation to Pyrhha.

Then after she died, Ren probably felt bad in the sense that he wondered if he had joined Jaune in intervening with Pyrhha, would things have ended differently? If both Ren and Nora had been there that night with Pyrhha and Jaune at the battle of Beacon, would it have made a difference? Would all three of them had been able to convince Pyrhha to not sacrifice herself? Would it have changed anything?

Somehow I like the idea of that being questions that Ren would sometimes ask himself in regards to what became of Pyrhha.

Could he have done something to help? Would his intervention had made a difference? 

I like this idea since it lends to my theory. From having those thoughts, I can see that as an incentive for Ren to put his foot down and prevent a similar fate from befalling another person he’d grown to care about. I know the show didn’t focus much on how Ren’s friendship was with Pyrhha since their bond wasn’t the main driver for her story and development as much as it was with Jaune. Nonetheless, one can interpret that Ren did care a lot for Pyrhha. She wasn’t just his teammate. She was one of his dearest friends and sister in arms. Pyrhha was family to Ren.

Jaune wasn’t the only person who lost her. Ren and Nora did too. The same can be said for Oscar with his growing connection to the former RNJR gang. Ruby might share the title of Oscar’s closest confidante at the moment, but I believe that Oscar is meant to grow close with JNR as well.

I’d like to believe that Ren cares or will come to care for Oscar a lot as a fellow brother on the battlefield. A baby brother even. The newest member of their growing family. And given the fact that Ren lost his family, I’d like to think that that family dynamic is very important to him. Like I said, I know the show doesn’t really focus much on Ren (which was what made his story in V4 so awesome and one of the best parts of that season in my opinion) still, I think family is important to Ren.

Who knows? Perhaps this is something that he and Oscar might end up sharing in common and even bonding over? Perhaps Oscar will share a similar backstory to Ren---an orphan who lost his original family to an unforeseen tragedy that he couldn’t prevent even if they wanted to and he basically had to watch one of his parents die to ensure that he survived.

Remember how Ren wanted to stay behind with his father but Li Ren ensured that his son got to safety. Ren’s father sacrificed himself so that his son could live on and this was a fate Ren couldn’t change. He didn’t want to leave but he had no choice to.

I like the idea of a similar scenario occurring for Oscar’s past with his family. I’d like to stick to my Pinehead headcanon where Oscar was raised by his father for most of his life until he lost his father recently due to some unforeseen disaster that Oscar wanted to prevent but couldn’t.

My theory is that Oscar only came to live with his aunt on her farm recently. He was probably born and bred in the farm lifestyle but at the time, his family had their own farm that was probably lost during a major catastrophe. After that, Oscar was taken in by his Auntie Pine and had been staying with her but only for a couple of months or so leading up to the events of V4. 

Oscar’s old bedroom back during his introduction in V4 sure didn’t look like the room of a kid whose lived in it for years. It more reminded me of a kid who probably has only been there for a couple of months and the only artifacts he possessed to decorate his room with were a few handful belongings he managed to salvage from his past life in addition to whatever hand-me downs his new relatives gave him to make him feel more comfortable in his new abode.

Oscar’s original farm boy attire also gave me the impression that he either a) came from a background where he didn’t have much to begin with; meaning he was poor and/or b) he came from a background where he had clothes of his own that could better fit him but then he lost it all and the only thing he could wear were what his relatives could give him. His aunt probably gave him a couple of shirts and pants his uncle had that she easily tailored as best as she could to fit his smaller size.

The fact that we meet Oscar sporting a shirt that appeared to be two sizes too big for him tucked into pants that were probably patched to fit him better, held up only by the suspenders with a pair of worn out boots that looked to have seen better days just gave me that vibe. But, as always, this is only my opinion.

And I’ve gone off topic here. Resuming talk on Ren, I’m thinking he and Oscar could probably share that in common. Orphans who lost their old homes and families and had to find them somewhere else. The difference is that unlike Oscar, Ren lost his home at a young age and eventually found his home with Nora.

But with Oscar, I think he’s still searching for his new home. Sure he had his aunt but, like I said, I don’t think Oscar has lived with Auntie Pine for very long. So he probably is still dealing with any repressed emotions from his past with his old family.

I guess what I’m basically trying to voice here is that, should Oscar find himself repeating a scenario that reminds Ren of Pryhha, I’d like to think that he would be the one to speak up about it. I know in the case of this, many people would obviously expect Ruby or Jaune to be frontrunners, however I think it would be more interesting if this scenario is used to strengthen Oscar’s relationship with Ren. Henceforth completing the trinity of him sharing distinctive moments with all three remaining members of the former Team JNPR. I just like the idea of Oscar going through a similar scenario like with Pyrhha and Ren being the person to out him on that.

I like the idea of Oscar trusting Ren enough to tell him the truth of Ironwood’s proposal to experiment on his aura, believing that Ren would have a similar approach to the General---duty before personal emotions as I said. But then Ren would surprise Oscar by being the one to intervene and assist him to come clean before the team.

To tie into your point about Ren representing the ‘removal of the Baobab seeds’, Ren could help Oscar rid himself of the negative emotions he was feeling in his heart ---doubt, guilt, failure---and by doing that, Oscar is able to prevent himself from succumbing to those feelings. 

In a way, you can almost say that Ironwood is the embodiment of the Baobab in Oscar’s story. Perhaps Ren and James can share influence from the Baobab. But while Ren represents the removal of it---a man who is at peace with his emotions, Ironwood is the characterization of someone who has been consumed by the baobab in his heart.

It is said that each of us has a baobab in our heart. We are all capable of emotions, both positive and negative. The baobab represents the negative emotions of the heart. It might be only a seed one day---minor, harmless at first glance without causing much trouble. But if left unchecked and allowed to foster, those same negative emotions---the baobab of the heart---can implode, grow out of control and have devastating impact on one’s personality, interfering with their internal order and autonomy.

Currently,  it can be said that Ironwood has his own Baobab in the form of his fears. And as the series has highlighted since V4, Ironwood’s Baobab had now grown to a state where he’s become consumed by it.

My theory is that Ironwood will be Oscar’s Baobab in a way or…rather, he’d be the one to plant baobab seeds in Oscar’s heart. At first Ironwood will approach Oscar kindly given off the impression that he can be trusted by Oscar especially given the fact that he was one of Ozpin’s longstanding allies. This is in turn will cause Oscar to let his guard down around James or rather, Ironwood will entice Oscar into trusting him by appealing to the side of him that wants to reconnect with Ozpin.

Since everyone else on the hero team, inclusive of Qrow, seem to not want to discuss Ozpin or the thought of him returning from his isolation, perhaps this will be Ironwood’s ticket into getting Oscar to listen to him.

This is why I like the idea of Ironwood feeding into Oscar’s desperation to reunite with Ozpin as a means of manipulating the young boy into achieving his own selfish desires.

Since V7 will open right after the events of V6, after Oscar revealed that Ozpin came back temporarily to aid him---perhaps this will provide Oscar the encouragement to try and reach out to Oz in an attempt to get him to return. Perhaps Oscar will see himself responsible to mending the broken bond between Oz and the rest of the group.

Thus, Ironwood takes full advantage of this.

He lets his desperation to finding a ‘new approach to stopping Salem’ feed into Oscar’s desperation. 

When I think of Ironwood being Oscar’s Baobab it makes me like this headcanon even more. 

I like the idea of Ironwood emotionally manipulating Oscar, making him believe that his efforts were to help him reunite with Ozpin when the reality was, James had his own plans for Oscar which involved using his soul as a battery to power an immortal army he’d hope to be humanity’s salvation.

 And do you know what makes this Baobab analogy in reference to Oscar’s relationship with Ironwood so much more fascinating? It is said that in its initial form, baobab growth resemble rose bushes.

What’s fascinating is the symbolism behind the rose bushes and baobabs? At first, they both look distinctively similar but while one grows into something beautiful, the other grows into something devastating and harmful.

In terms of relationships, Ruby is Oscar’s rose. Roses are the good plants, according to the Little Prince analogies meaning that Oscar’s bond to Ruby is the healthier relationship. Meanwhile, baobabs are the bad plants and if Ironwood is Oscar’s Baobab like I’m theorizing here, he is the unhealthy relationship. The one that could prove devastating to him if left to its wilds.

But again, the irony is that rose bushes and baobabs look similar at first and why I’m getting giddy about this is because it makes me think…what if…in the beginning, the main reason why Oscar figured he could trust Ironwood is because the General reminded him of Ruby.

Like maybe Ironwood shared the same good intentions as Ruby...the only difference is their approach. 

This in turn reminds me of something I realized about Ruby and Ozpin which ties into something I noticed about Ozma and Ruby. One hunch that I have is that Ozpin gravitated towards Ruby so much because she reminded him of himself---his first self.

I’ve said before that Ruby reminds me a lot of Ozma given their righteous nature. I also think that in a strange way both Ironwood and Ozpin are the same---they both wish to achieve the same goal in protecting humanity but where they clash is in their approach.

 When I took at it this way, Ozpin (technically Ozma) is symbolic of the rose bush from the Little Prince while Ironwood is the Baobab.

I’m sorry if this is making James sound more like a bad person. It’s just that…I think he encapsulates the Baobab or rather the nature of it more.

Why I like this is because I’m thinking of a scenario where Ironwood’s influence on Oscar even starts to affect his bond with Ruby. Perhaps Ironwood will encourage Oscar to be reclusive and secretive, even with Ruby. 

Perhaps Ironwood will start to see Ruby’s own influence on Oscar as coming between his own intentions for the young boy and thus, he starts doing things to forge a wedge between the two such as enforcing that Oscar stay within his custody at all times or something.

Technically out of everyone on the group, Oscar is a minor at 14-years-old and the dangerous thing about him is that unlike Ruby Rose, who has her older sister Yang and Uncle Qrow as guardian figures and caretakers, Oscar has no one.

He has no immediate family in Atlas. He doesn’t even have a huntsman team that he’s a part of. Yet.

So imagine if…Ironwood takes advantage of that and tries to sort of…I dunno…worm his way into planting himself as Oscar’s legal caretaker while he’s a resident of Atlas Kingdom or something like that. I mean he would have the authority to do that, to be honest.  

I even have this scenario in my head where Ironwood gets Oscar to consent to undergoing harmful experiments on him on the promise of them bringing Ozpin back. However the experiments don’t work and only hurt Oscar in the process and what’s worse is that he can’t tell the others the truth since Ironwood told him not to by the almighty power of Classified Information.

But in the end, Oscar’s secret is found out when he suddenly collapses from pain during a heated fight between him and Ruby when she confronts him on his suddenly reclusive behaviour. After Oscar falls ill, the others find out that it was due to injuries on his body from Ironwood’s botched experiments.

After Oscar falls unconscious, Jaune spends the night healing Oscar of his wounds. During this time, while Jaune does his best to heal Oscar with his semblance, Ruby stays by Oscar’s hand holding his hand through the whole ordeal while Ren and Nora also stay close too.

Basically they both stand watch to ensure that no one comes barging in to disturb Jaune from helping Oscar.

Somehow I just have this idea of Ironwood convincing Oscar that it’s okay for him to sign his life away to be experimented on, only for the others to remind him later that he’s just a kid and that Ironwood had no right even putting him in such a position in the first place.

It’s a weird thought but ironically enough, I can definitely see that being possible. But that’s just me

Anyways, I think that’s all I got to see for now on this topic. As usual, I went off on one of my usual tangents. Take as much from it as you will and let me know whatcha think.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019) 

[snowstcrm]

This is building off of @tomakeitbeautifultolive​’s Stargaryen twist theory.

I was looking over Tyrion and Sansa’s scenes and the one that stuck out to me with red flags during my rewatch is their balcony scene. I encourage people who are interested to watch the actual video because the pauses and Tyrion’s facial expressions are important.

“Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.”

Above all, this is Tyrion foreshadowing his own death. He drastically underestimated Sansa this season, and he lost in just their first conversation.

“I’m sure you weren’t thrilled to hear that the Lannister army is marching north. You have every right to be fearful of my sister. No one fears her more than I do, but I promise you--”

“Cersei told you her army was coming north... to fight for you.”

“She did.”

“And you believed her.”

Sansa was not buying it from the JUMP. She knows Tyrion isn’t that stupid and she KNOWS he knows his sister. Her eye is on Tyrion now. She tells him that she used to think he was the cleverest man alive.

The next scene to look at is Sansa speaking directly to Jon about Daenerys. 

Jon makes it clear to her that he’s never wanted a crown. Unless she’s truly heartless, she wouldn’t set him up to actually take the Iron Throne.

“Without her we don’t stand a chance! ...Do you have any faith in me at all?”

“You know I do.”

“She’ll be a good queen. For all of us. She’s not her father.”

Sansa didn’t outright refuse his belief. Just questioned why he thought so.

We are now at the point where Sansa is extremely suspicious of Tyrion and it’s also established that she has faith in her brother’s decisions.

The next scene is where she gets to speak to Daenerys. Im seriously shocked I didn’t notice this sooner but Sansa is having the opportunity to speak to each individual character to get a read on them.

“I thought you and I were close to agreement before, about Ser Jaime?”

“Brienne has been loyal to me always. I trust her more than anyone.”

“I wish I could have that kind of faith in my advisers” (!!!! GUYS)

“Tyrion is a good man. He was never anything but decent towards me.”

“I didn’t ask him to be my hand simply because he was good. I asked him to be my hand because he was good and intelligent and ruthless when he had to be. ...He never should have trusted Cersei.”

“You never should have either.” (Again, Sansa making it clear she knows exactly who Cersei is and Tyrion should know too.)

“I thought he knew his sister.”

/flash of recognition in Sansa’s eyes/ “Families are complicated.”

The next part is Sansa then getting a feel for Daenerys and her behavior. There is a small connection over their tough positions of authority and then they bring up Jon.

“He loves you, you know that.”

“That bothers you?”

“Men do stupid things for women. They’re easily manipulated.” (This could also be true for Tyrion)

Dany then explains how her love for Jon has brought her here, and again there’s this small moment of connection and understanding. Sansa says how she should have thanked Daenerys when she arrived and Dany reassures Sansa that she’s here because she loves and trusts Jon.

The conversation then starts taking a turn when the question of the throne comes into play. The tension is understandably high about this subject and we never get a proper answer here. I wonder if Sansa was looking for the answer from Dany: marrying Jon so they both have power and the North feels safe. Sansa already has the idea of marriage in mind from Littlefinger.

Obviously there are more small scenes, but I want to jump to the Weirwood scene. The war is over and tensions are high again. Keep in mind I think the writers are really pushing this “us against them” dialogue for drama, just like they did with Arya vs Sansa last season. It’s obviously trying to lay down this foundation but I think it’s a red herring and the truth is done off screen. The most important line is:

“I’ll never know her. She’s not one of us.” ... “We’re family the four of us, the last of the Starks.”

This is obviously a set up towards Jon telling them the truth about his blood, but it’s so important to frame this in regards to Daenerys as well! They believe that they can never know or trust outsiders, but then learn that Jon is just as much a Targaryen as Dany. His truth basically breaks their argument apart. By all means they should shun their secret Targaryen brother/cousin who has been ride-or-die for the Targaryen queen they’re opposing, and I’m sure especially Sansa realizes that he’s in love with his Targaryen aunt. They should be worried about his loyalties, but whoops! seems like blood really doesn’t determine who you should keep in your circle. 

We don’t know HOW this conversation goes or what comes of it or how long it was. I think it’s integral to the plot twist and that’s why it wasn’t shown on screen. The Starks have the information that Jon is a Targaryen and loves another Targaryen, but this seems to not be as shocking as you’d expect.

Now that Sansa has all the information she needs, she starts her plot to root out Tyrion and Varys and puts their loyalties to the test one last time. She feeds Tyrion the secret and is basically planting the act of treason in Tyrion’s mind-- which he then goes and tells Varys.

Perhaps the conversation between Tyrion and Varys was so blatantly misogynistic and infuriating because the writers wanted it to be so, intentionally to get us frustrated with their reasoning and to have them as opposition. I mean look at how many of us want Varys gone for his mentality and flimsy loyalty?

This plot line is just so good and even though the writing isn’t perfect, I fell like it stays true to the “game” and is the ending that will have the least amount of people going into a rage about their characters being destroyed. Sansa has every bit of information to put this all together and rip Tyrion and Varys out from their positions of influence. THINK OF IT. Why should Sansa be involved or even care about Daenerys’ camp? SHE ALREADY KNOWS TYRION IS BETRAYING DANY, if she truly wanted Dany to get fucked, she’d just leave Tyrion be and continue his plot. Sansa is getting involved. The Starks and Targaryens are mixing in front of us.

EDIT: She also baits Jaime into going to Kings Landing by talking about Cersei’s execution. She was testing Jaime’s loyalty and he chose his sister too. She really played the Lannister brothers so far. 

[mrmissmrsrandom]

Lan Sizhui Birthday Event Prompt- Lan Sizhui Never Forgets

Joint meta/fanfic of @mwritesink and mine’s “Reversal AU” idea, told from Sizhui’s perspective of events. As this prompt suggests, this AU has spoilers for the entire novel. 

Lan Wangji attends the siege of the Burial Mounds, and stands in front of the army, fighting them in defense of Wei Wuxian and the remainders of the Wen Sect, and is killed. His defense of Burial Mounds gives the rest of the defenders time to assist Wei Wuxian’s destruction of part of the Stygian Tiger Amulet. However, the power of the amulet now destroys and scatters the bodies of those in the Wen Sect, while Wei Wuxian is knocked unconscious. When he wakes up, he finds Wen Yuan where he had been hidden by his grandmother. They are both feverish, and half-dead, but Wuxian can still move his legs and gets them out of the Burial Mounds before the sacking can commence.

They are protected by supernatural forces that not even Wuxian fully understands (which is actually Lan Wangi’s spirit. He guides them to shelter, to clean water, to food, etc, until Wuxian regains his wits about him). It is a long process and most nights he doesn’t sleep, watching over Wen Yuan and playing a song on his flute, and rethinking how to live his life better for the little one he is now fully entrusted to.

When he wakes up, Yuan cries. He misses his grandmother, he misses his aunties and uncles, he wants to play with the toys “Brother Rich” bought for him. He is so tired. Wei Wuxian holds him close, promising that he will see them all again, many years from now after he lives a long and full life. But Wei Wuxian, even with resentful energy coursing through his veins, still remembers little things, and tells them to Yuan as he falls asleep, reminding him of those who loved him even if they are no longer with him.

It takes weeks of traveling, and three days to climb to the summit, but with Yuan on his back, Wuxian reaches the summit of Baoshan Sanren’s mountain and asks in honor of his mother for protection for him and the child.

Baoshan Sanren remarks, “I have heard of what has happened to you, Wei Wuxian. Even from my seclusion. You are beyond my help, and will never grow a golden core again.”

Wuxian replied, “Elder, that is not my intention. I come here not for my own will, but for his.”

“I can raise the child. He can still walk the righteous path with my other students on this mountain. You can leave him here in safety.” “I cannot leave him, Elder. Not when so many have given their lives to protect his and mine.”

“...Hm. You look far too much like the dead you keep at your beck and call. You may stay here, then. Perhaps you will die before too long.”

But Wuxian does not die. And Yuan is raised not only by Wuxian, but another Grandmother, and other aunties and uncles. One, Uncle Xingchen, leaves the mountain when Yuan is 6.

The day after Uncle Xingchen leaves, Grandmother Baoshan begins to teach him how to cultivate.

In their small hut in the evenings, Wuxian also teaches parts of his own cultivation. Small things- not how to control bodies, but how to talk and ease dying plants and animals as they go to sleep. Yuan cries sometimes afterward, and Wuxian takes him into his arms and soothes him. Even after being surrounded by death since birth, these lessons are the first time he truly understands death. He learns how to respect it, just as he learns to respect the rules of Grandmother Baoshan.

When Yuan is 8, he brings up a very important question to Wuxian: “Why can’t I call you father all the time?” While Wuxian instructed Yuan to call him father around other people, he had never insisted on the title when they were alone. It didn’t make sense to Yuan that the man that loves him and takes care of him is only his father part of the time. On his 9th birthday, Wuxian gives Yuan his courtesy name, Wei Sizhui - with Sizhui written as “To Recollect or Long For” - but Yuan gives Wuxian the name of “Father”.

Uncle Xingchen eventually comes back, with his friend Song Lan, begging for Baoshan to heal Song Lan’s blindness. Baoshan says he should not have come back, but Uncle Xingchen goes on his knees and promises he will give anything, and then he will leave. Wei Sizhui watches beside Baoshan Sanren, too shocked to interfere.

“Are you willing to give anything?” Xingchen replies without hesitation.

“Then you must give him your own eyes, my star. I know how to make the transfer, but it will be painful, and his curse will pass on to you for the rest of your days. Are you willing to do so knowing this?”

Xingchen once more, answers without hesitation.

Wei Sizhui is 9 and assists Baoshan with the operation. He feels sick to his stomach, but his hands are steady, even when Xingchen screams. Wei Sizhui goes back to his father that day shaken to the tentative core he is beginning to form within himself, but he does not cry. He remembers members of his family were once healers, and he hopes he made them proud.

After the necessary time for recovery passes, Xingchen tells him that he will honor his previous promise to Baoshan that once he left the mountain he would never return, and asked her to please look after his dearest friend. He would make the descent the next morning.

When Sizhui tells his father this, Wuxian asks him if Sizhui wants Xingchen to go alone, and Sizhui says no. Wuxian agrees.

They go to Baoshan together and tell her of their plans. Baoshan feels remorse, to lose her previous pupil, and one just starting to blossom under her tutelage, but she consents. She tells Sizhui they will not meet again in this life.

Sizhui does not cry. He is at peace, glad now that this time he can say goodbye. “Then until the next life, Teacher.”

Uncle Xingchen objects at first, wishing to go on this path alone, but father smacks his back good-naturedly. “Martial Uncle Xiao, do you really think the path to redemption is one only you can walk?” He reaches to tuck back a lock of his hair, now peppered with gray, even though his face still looks young. “Unlike the previous paths I’ve taken, its a road open and wide enough for us all. Besides, A-Yuan is going to need a teacher, and my theory can only get him so far as a cultivator!”

Despite some brusque words, he allows them to follow, and Uncle Xingchen becomes Sizhui’s new teacher. The trio of them travel, with Xingchen going on Night Hunts to make money, and Wuxian and Sizhui making sure that Xingchen was not taken advantage of. However, his father in public goes simply by Sanren when asked. Sizhui finds he loves the wide open world, and in every town they pass learns something new.

One day, Xingchen was fed up by what he thought to be his father “babying him,” and went to the market on his own. He came back with someone. That was the day Wei Sizhui met his martial sister, A-Qing.

A-Qing was older than Sizhui by a few years and survived by acting the blind beggar child enough to steal from the pockets of rich and lecherous old men. She had made it an art and even tried to continue to play that part in front of his father. It took a few days, but his father figured it out. However, instead of being sent away, Uncle Xingchen asked if she wished to learn cultivation under his tutelage. A-Qing agreed.

At first, A-Qing looked at Sizhui the similar way that she looked at the rest of the world save for Unlce Xingchen, or “Daozhang,” as she called him: with wariness, and veiled hostility. Sizhui could not get mad at her for that. At least he had Father, and his aunts and uncles on Baoshan Sanren’s mountain. A-Qing had no one. Over the months traveling together and learning together, A-Qing slowly accepts his existence, and slowly seems to welcome it. Sizhui changes from “you,” to “Sizhui,” to “little brother.” A-Qing begins to insist that he calls her martial sister, and he happily does.

He doesn’t understand the sadness in his father’s eyes when he does, but then again, he has learned that his father sometimes holds sadness in him that never goes away. When it gets to be too much, he plays that song on his flute again, and sometimes when he listens, Sizhui thinks he can hear the strings of a guqin accompany it.

A-Qing and Sizhui begin to accompany Xingchen on Night Hunts, and grow into exceptional cultivators in their own right. It is one such night that Sizhui meets another boy, dressed in gold and shining in the darkness compared to Sizhui’s own white, gray, and black robes. But he also still looks too young to be out on Night Hunts. He offers his aid in taking down the creature, but the other boy refuses, until they are both cornered by the creature, and must work together to defeat it.

Afterward, the boy in gold looks at him as if Sizhui is also become possessed, before throwing his head back and laughing. Sizhui will remember that expression for many years, and the sound of a child laughing who hadn’t laughed in a very long time. His own laughter quickly followed. This was how he met Jin Ling… who would later be called “A-Ling,” though not for years yet.

It is during these years that they hear whispers of an entire clan slaughtered, and Xingchen has an ill feeling at how familiar this sounds. The methods used in the massacre drain what color can collect on his father’s pale face. They traveled to Shudong, a land of many rivers and valleys covered in mists, yet it didn’t so easily conceal the blood trail that they followed.

That was the first, and last, time Sizhui met a man called Xue Yang. His father sent him and A-Qing away once they captured him, but Sizhui can remember the look of pure loathing illuminated in the man’s eyes despite his toothy grin. He also heard his final words, screaming out for Daozhang, for Uncle Xingchen.

When his father and uncle returned hours later, robes covered in dirt after burying the body, and Xingchen’s bandages bleeding through, he decided it not to ask why Xue Yang called out for him. Instead, he focuses on his father’s words: the news that Uncle Ning was not burned to ash.

Though Sizhui helped in planning the infiltration of Koi Tower to free Wen Ning, he was kept back from the actual mission. To a certain extent, he’s frustrated that his father would keep his back, but he also knows that the more people enacting a plan as delicate as this, the more chances things had to go wrong.

Of course, this is his father, so things nearly go wrong anyway. Sizhui is vibrating in his hiding place when the bushes on the ground part around figures coming into the clearing. Two move slowly, while the last has his father’s familiar gait. The first look Sizhui has of his missing and thought-dusted uncle, is not what he wanted.

Wen Ning in the flesh was not the sweet but troubled young man from his father’s stories, the first, and so far only, Fierce Corpse with his own consciousness. He was shambling forward, with no expression, and didn’t seem to process anything outside of the songs from Wuxian’s flute.

Sizhui thought he was going to be sick, right then and there. It was all he could do to plant his feet and wait it out. Watching father take out the nails from Wen Ning’s head was the worst part. Wen Ning opened his mouth in a silent scream and his eyes flickered between blankness and what could only be described as pain. But once they’re out, there was nothing that could have stopped Sizhui from flinging himself into his uncle’s arms. Distant as it is, it’s something from the past their family thought was completely destroyed, and is still standing there before them, healing if not whole.

The extra person that his father “kidnapped” with Uncle Ning was interesting. Mo Xuanyu was full of mysteries, but blunt and straightforward. Sizhui couldn’t help but try to peel story after story out of him about Koi Tower, about his research, about how he developed his Resentful Strings technique, anything that Mo Xuanyu could be convinced to talk about. It takes a lot of convincing. Navigating the pit traps in Xuanyu’s mind are the hard part, but so many of them are the same as Sizhui’s father’s that he becomes instrumental in helping the man get out of his defensive shell.

After the little group is able to clear his father’s name, their chosen family gets named as the “Wei Sect” recognized by the other landed sects as their own entity, open to any who wish to learn and are willing to work hard for their keep. Sizhui is, of course, named as heir, and in due time becomes one of the leading cultivators of his generation along with Jin Ling and Lan Jingyi.

[lala-kate]

Until That Day:  Chapter 3

This is a belated birthday present for my amazing adopted little sister @ninzied. I hope you like it, Nina!  

You can read it here or on ff.net. Have a lovely day, everyone!

April 18

Tomorrow we shall marry.

When I gave birth to Henry, I gave up all hope of one day becoming a proper wife. But worse than that, I believed that my actions had robbed my son of the opportunity of ever having a good father, one who would love and accept him as his own and care for him the way he deserves.

Then you came into our lives, and everything changed.

You make it very evident that neither the fact that Henry was conceived out of wedlock nor that he is not yours by blood mattes one whit, and that means more to me than anything I could ever wish for myself. He adores you--wants to be more like you, has even asked me if he can start calling you Papa immediately after the wedding.

You have no idea what that means to me.

Well, perhaps you do, for you have told me repeatedly how you feared that no woman would accept and raise Liza as her own because of the circumstances of her birth. Yet loving that little girl requires no effort at all, and when she reaches those pudgy arms of hers out to me and snuggles into my chest, I forget that I didn’t give birth to her. Parenting is a choice, and becoming a mother to your two precious children is an honor I do not take lightly.

From this time tomorrow, they shall be mine just as assuredly as Henry is.

Can I tell you again how strange yet wonderful it is to know that you do not view me as a fallen woman worthy of censure but rather as a woman with whom you have chosen to spend your life and to mother your children? That when you caress my cheek or kiss my lips, all of the shame of my past seems to melt into a puddle at my feet?  That strolling through town on your arm makes me feel as though I’ve just emerged from a cocoon of censure and am allowed to spread my wings for the first time in my life?  

I am so giddy with happiness I fear I may not sleep tonight.

It’s difficult for me to believe this is truly happening, that tomorrow night I shall be sleeping in your bed rather than here in Widow Lucas’s guest room, that your body will provide me with a warmth far more intimate than that any quilt can provide. Of course, after the way you kissed me earlier this evening, I have to wonder just how much sleep I shall actually be granted on our wedding night.

I somehow think the answer to that is very little.

My skin is still tingling in wake of your caresses, my lips still burning from the imprint of your own upon them. You draw feelings out of me I’ve never known, Robin, sensations that stagger me with their intensity and persistence and carry me into dreams from which I am loath to wake. Would you be shocked to know that I touched myself last night in order to quell the ache that wouldn’t let me rest?  Would you be scandalized to learn that my own hand brought me pleasure even as my lips breathed your name, that I trembled in the darkness, imagining what it will be like to feel all of you inside my body while your lips explore me in places some would deem perverse?

I somehow doubt you would, and for that, I am thankful. I am weary of living under the self-righteous judgment of those who prefer condemnation to grace and deem our bodies as shameful. I am ready to live freely with you, to be your wife in every way without reservation, to finally be at peace with who I am.

________________________________________________________________

Dearest Regina,

Today is the day.

In a matter of hours, we shall speak vows and bind our lives together. I shall look into your eyes and be able to call you my wife rather than my intended. I shall be able to kiss you in places on your body that have been hidden to me, places I look forward to revealing in all their splendor and beauty.

I cannot wait to bring you home tonight.

Home. How different the word feels as I write it in my journal, how it dances from my quill to the page, how it warms me in a manner I’d nearly forgotten after I lost Marian. This home will feel complete again with you and Henry inside it, for as much as I love my children, there has been an emptiness that can only be filled by a life companion. How thankful I am that my new life companion will be you.

How thankful I am that I actually placed that advertisement for a wife.

I nearly talked myself out of it, you know. Several times, in fact. But as I rocked and walked with Liza for hours one night, as I heard Roland stir fitfully in his sleep, I decided I would take a step into the unknown for the sake of my children, if not for myself. I did so with trembling hands and a dry mouth, and the day that your letter arrived, I very nearly refused to open it out of absolute fear.

How thankful I am that curiosity combined with fatherly determination triumphed over nerves and prompted me to open and read your response. The tightness in my chest eased, my breathing steadied somewhat as your letter took root and began to blossom in what I had feared to be barren ground.

Now, because of you, Dearest Regina, what was once frozen has sprung back to life.

I must stop writing now and get the children and myself ready, for we have a wedding to attend this afternoon, one I have no intention of missing. Until then, Regina. I know you will be the most beautiful bride for whom a man could wish.

I shall meet you at the altar.

________________________________________________________________

April 19

I am your wife.

I am struggling to find words adequate enough to describe the emotions bubbling over inside my chest this morning, but as I sit here and watch you sleep, I must try, for this is a moment I want to press into memory forever.  It is odd, feeling somewhat sore and stretched in places rarely discussed, but God in heaven, such tenderness is a small price to pay for the ecstasy that brought it about and one I will gladly pay again and again.

My God, Robin. How you made love to me last night.

Parts of our wedding day are a blur, I must confess, regardless of the small audience in attendance and the tiny yet perfect details seen to by Widow Lucas. The wedding cake, the flowers, the fact that Marco is quite an adept fiddler, each individual item in itself was far more than I could have ever imagined. Henry and Roland looked so handsome in their suits, although I must admit to missing my youngest son’s floppy curls that were trimmed into as much submission as much as they could be.

Have I mentioned how much I love the fact that I can now officially refer to Roland and Liza as my son and daughter? There is such a rightness to it that warms me deeply. My family feels complete now. Actually, I suppose it would be more appropriate to say our family.

Ours. What a powerful word. How it changes absolutely everything. From my shame to our marriage, from my illegitimate son and your illegitimate daughter to our children, from my solitude to our family, from my loneliness to our love.

I do believe that our is the most beautiful word in the English language.

Speaking of our baby girl, Liza looked absolutely adorable in her new dress, even if her unruly locks kept trying to take center stage and made it look as if we did not even bother to comb her hair. Mr. Nolan dotes on her, as I am certain you’ve noticed, and after the ceremony he referred to her as a burst of wildfire. It is almost frightening how accurate his assessment of both her hair and personality is.

Speaking of Mr. Nolan, I think he may be sweet on my Aunt Mary Margaret.

The fact that you secretly arranged for her to be here for our wedding, that you both paid for and booked her passage, that you arranged for her to stay with Widow Lucas for a few weeks so she can get to know you and the children might be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. Well, besides Aunt Mary Margaret taking me in and giving me a place to live after I discovered I was expecting Henry. I was so surprised to see her when I walked into the church, I nearly squealed as I walked down the aisle.

Have her here means the world to me. But I believe you already know that. You seem intent upon seeing to my happiness, and that is something I’ve never before experienced.

Now I get to experience it every day of my life.

When you took my hand within your own, when you repeated the vows spoken by Reverend Hopper and gazed into my eyes as if you could see forever, I had to keep reminding myself that this was really happening, that maybe, just maybe, I shall be given a chance at a happy ending after all.

It still seems somewhat unreal to me, but then I look over to the bed--our bed--and see you sleeping peacefully, your bare chest on full display for me to both view and appreciate. I remember how it felt beneath my fingertips, how the smattering of light hair on your chest tickled my breasts as our bodies pressed together when you were buried inside me. I can still taste the salt of your skin on my tongue, can feel the stirrings of fresh desire as they tingle and tease my inner thighs and nipples, and I am tempted to lay my quill and journal aside and return to your side beneath the quilts.

How would you react if I awakened you with my hand? Would you be scandalized by your wife initiating sex, or would you grin that devilish grin of yours and let me have my way with you? I am fairly certain I know the answer to that, and so I shall abandon this entry and return to your side to test this theory so I can know for certain.

________________________________________________________________

April 19

You’re a minx, Regina Locksley. And by God, I love you for it.

How thankful I am that Widow Lucas and your Aunt Mary Margaret volunteered to watch the children last night. It was lovely to have some time to ourselves without having to worry about little eyes seeing something they shouldn’t or little ears hearing the sounds you coaxed out of me this morning when you woke me up in the most incredible way possible. I adore the fact that you feel comfortable enough to explore my body the same way I’ve already come to love exploring yours, even though we’ve been husband and wife less than twenty-four hours.

You have initiated a craving inside me I fear may never be sated as long as we both shall live.

For you are exquisite, Regina. Every plane of your body, every small expanse of skin, every freckle, every hair, even the marks left by childbirth you feared I would find unattractive. You are a feast for a starving man, a goddess worthy of worship and adoration, a woman who has suffered much yet possesses an incredible capacity for love and tenderness.

The trust with which you honored me by placing your heart and body into my keeping humbles me to my very core. Kissing you feels like coming home, and being inside your body completes me in a way I find nearly impossible to put into words. Watching you respond to my touch, feeling you come apart around me….I have no words for the fire you’ve so expertly kindled

and now stoke with each glance and every touch, regardless of how innocent in nature it might be.

And as I watch you slumber after our morning love-making, I relish simply being able to gaze at you openly without fear of censure or reproof. I love that I can slide in the bed beside you and cradle your nakedness, that I can touch what before remained hidden and openly confess the thoughts I have held at bay.

For I love you, Regina Mills Locksley. Within a short time, you have become a trusted friend, a mother for my children, a lover, a partner, and a confidante. And I count myself the most fortunate man on earth that I now have the privilege of calling you my wife.

[jodiwalker]

The Bachelorette Recap: Hometowns, Where Everyone’s a Loser

Oh man, The Bachelorette is really on one this season, huh? First the rise of feces-and-coded-language personified, Lee. And now the purposeless televised exploitation of human Cockapoo — if Cockapoos could be hot like when Robin Hood was an animated fox — Dean. What gives?!

Oh, I know what gives. They hired a black Bachelorette after 100 years of marshmallow fluff in the shape of Brad Womack (twice!) and now they think they can just be shitty about every single other thing. Let's be clear: nothing good was ever going to come of Dean bringing Rachel home to his estranged family. I think we all remember Des — well, no one remembers Des, who had zero hand tattoos, but we definitely remember Des' brother who had all the hand tattoos, and a limitless determination to ruin his sister's love life.

Dean's dad doesn't seem to want to ruin Dean's love life; in fact he attempts to make it clear in a number tones ranging from "formal compassion" to "barely suppressed rage" that he supports Dean dating Rachel if it makes them happy. But he also doesn’t seem particularly interested in affording his son any happiness that might have anything more directly to do with him. I don't love calling a man I don't know selfish — but being selfless is kind of the main qualifier for being a parent, and Dean's dad is definitely not that, so I'm just working in antonyms here.

Also, I'd probably break a champagne bottle over Aspen's highest mountain and fight anyone who made Dean's eyes sparkle with anything other than the prince-like wonder generally twinkling around in there, so yeah. What likely started as Dean's father trying to be generous to his estranged son quickly went south because the two haven't had a relationship since Dean's mother died, and everyone in Dean's current reality TV world told him this one night, surrounded by cameras and exactly zero licensed psychologists, would be a good time to address that. I can understand that Dean's father wouldn't have appreciated inviting all these strangers into his home and sharing his mungbeans with them, and then having his son remind him that he emotionally abandoned his kid when he needed him most…

But he did! Both the emotional abandonment and allowing these ABC monsters into his hime. The truly confounding part lies in exactly how The Bachelorette convinced any of these people that this was a reasonable thing to do, especially Rachel who seems dead set on meeting Dean's father even though Dean had just told that his dad was "not a person who has any bearing on my emotional experience."

Well look alive baby boy, because you're about to have one seriously emotional experience. But first! The boyfriends who weren't manipulated by TV love into a familial trauma…

Eric

Oh hello, Eric, nice to meet you, where the hell have you been? Seeing Eric in his hometown of Baltimore was like stumbling across some guy on Instagram that you were in a few college classes with and being like…Wait, was he always this hot and I just never noticed?? Shut up, is he coaching a little league team in that picture?! I wonder if he's seeing anyone. Does he live near me? Would he be open to starting our relationship long-distance? I'd always thought I'd want a summer wedding, but January could be really luxurious. Omg, I could wear a fur stole! One day I'll pass it down to our daughters. I'm so thankful I found a monogamous life mate in Eric; I feel God in this Lo-Fi filter today.

Those are the kinds of leaps I made during Eric's 20-minute segment. Whereas pretty much everybody else came out of their hometowns looking less appealing — excluding for Dean who I just wanted to wrap up in one of those emergency blankets they give out at marathons — Eric came out of his Hometown suddenly possessing a lovely and fun personality, with a family to match. Now if he can just ditch all those wispy scarves he likes to wear and keep smuggling his broad ass shoulders into laid back Canadian tuxedo, we could have ourselves a winner.

I mean…Eric won't win. But still, I want him to marry Rachel and get a spinoff about their families that would force Bachelor Nation to watch not just one, but many different black people on television from not just one, but many different backgrounds, with no Lees in the mix whatsoever. And that show would, of course, be called: Aunt Verna's Variety Show and Also Rachel and Eric Are Here.

I loved Eric's hometown. The turn from his openness about growing up in a family where many of the men were "successful in the streets" and the women had to be extra strong as a result, to Rachel being enveloped in a screaming cloud of hospitality and love when meeting said family was, frankly, heartwarming — a platitude I do not use lightly. I was full on Grinch'in it for most of Rachel's visit to Baltimore.

Yes, a lot of my love for this family had to do with his one aunt's head-to-toe daytime rhinestones, but also, with every conversation Eric had with one of his family members it became clearer that this is a family that has been through tough times with each other, but has put in the work to be able to understand the challenges one another have faced. All that mature familial growth just felt so hopeful. Put a pin in that thought…

Now, may we PTL for Aunt Verna who finally put in text what The Bachelorette has been just begging us to read in subtext all season: as spells it out, "R-A-C-E." That blonde pixie! That tunic! That moxie! I die! Aunt V is all, Soooo, Rach. Being the first black Bachelorette—that must have been a lot of pressure. And as though not one producer ever thought to ask Rachel what the implications were for her of being the show's first black Bachelorette (perhaps they were too busy screaming, We did it! We ended racism! Right here on ABC!) Rachel's tiny lil' floodgates open and she says, indeed, "It's a lot of pressure because you're judged by two different groups. I'm getting judged by black people and I'm getting judged by…everybody else."

This is a feeling that Rachel has alluded to exactly once before and she immediately cut herself off. Would Aunt Verna, perhaps, like to be paid one bajillion dollars to take over Chris Harrison's job? Suddenly, all of Rachel's comments about "in this position, I have to [be selfish] to get what I really want" carry a much heavier weight. Rachel says "I want love and love doesn't have a color, so my journey for love shouldn't be any different than the other 12 Bachelorettes in front of me." That's right Rach! You go and choose you a kinda smarmy guy with tall hair, stay engaged to him for two years, and then break up on the cover of People, just like your ancestral sisters!

But not really. I want Rachel's journey to be different; I want her to choose Eric — there I go, pressuring her — who's very empathetic when his mom tells him how she kept her distance from him growing up because she didn't want him to be just another boy who knew he could always fall back on his mama if he messed up. It feels harsh, but in the case of Eric, you can't say the theory didn't work. And you know, I've said parents should love their kids unconditionally — but maybe there are conditions you should apply to, oh I don't know, let's just say, MATERNAL LOVE…

Bryan

Bryan's particular brand of "I dunno, girl" is hard to pin down, but there has been one red flag that was particularly glaring: he told Rachel that his mom was the reason his last relationship ended. Now, sure, there are probably some women out there who might feel threatened by their boyfriend's relationship with their mother…but that usually doesn’t happen in a relationship where the man has a typical relationship with his mother. It happens when the mother breastfeeds the boy until he's 12, then moves on to baby-bird feeding Alicia Silverstone-style when he's a teenager, and when he's forced to feed the nest, she just creepily says she's in love with him all the time

That might be enough for even me, the most independent of lovers, to be like, Dude, I think you need scale it back with your mom a little bit, she FedEx'd us a bunch of chewed up food on dry ice yesterday.

When Bryan and Rachel arrive at his family's home in Miami, his mom basically gives Rachel the Heisman to get to her son. Later, she offers up this toast to welcome Rachel into their family's home: "For the most precious thing that I have in my life." Cheers to Rachel! Olga tells the camera, while openly weeping, "Bryan is my life. He's my love, he's my pride. We really have such a wonderful relationship, that for me, a woman that separates him from me would be terrible." Cool, sounds like a normal closeness between mother and son where the mom would rather the son be alone forever than to share any of the love in his love tank with another woman. Cool, cool, cool.

If Olga has other children, they go unnamed (and—this is just a guess—unloved). But there is a young mystery woman that looks like Bryan who tells Rachel that the ex-girlfriend "was threatened by the relationship he had with his mother" which the unnamed woman seems to think is proof the ex was crazy, and not an indicator that if a love interest is threatened by a mother/son relationship, there's probably good reason. [Ed. Note: Has everyone seen Bates Motel? It's terrific!]

Like, if your boyfriend's mom is constantly saying, "Bryan is my life, and I just want to advise you, to give you a warning: You are marrying the family too," that might be a good enough reason to feel threatened, quite literally, for your life, and not just for your relationship with this walking haircut (a bad one, according to Olga).

But Rachel, in her continued refusal to see that most things about Bryan are tinged with an unknowable filter of MOLLY, YOU IN DANGER GIRL, just laughs off his mom's literal threats and professes her adoration for Lil' BryGuy. To be fair, at the end of the visit, Olga tells the camera that she could see in Rachel's eyes she's a good person—the subtext is that a good person would never try to replace her as Bryan's number one, they would just be comfortable settling into a far distant number two. At least until, as Olga says, she dies and leaves that number one spot open: "I want the day we leave, I can be in peace because he can have someone to take care of him. He's the love of my life."

Bryan will be allowed to love someone else, quite literally, over Olga's dead body.

Peter

I've really like Peter this whole time, and for valid reason: he's super-hot. He's a personal trainer and former model, and he has a nice deep voice. People say the most important thing to them is a sense of humor, but when faced with a total babe who seems reasonably smart and into you, who among us would be longing for the killer knock-knock jokes of our youthful fantasies?

But boy, did Wisconsin bring out the dull in this guy. We don't get to meet Dean's friends (which I've heard was filmed as a segment because I listen to multiple Bachelorette podcasts, don't talk to me, I don’t want to hear it), but we get to meet Peter's friends who, coincidentally, seem like they've never met Peter before in their lives? No one smiles with their teeth for the entire encounter.

Peter laughs with his "pals" about how he told Rachel that he has a group of 10 close friends, eight of whom are black. Which is like, half-reassuring, and half makes you realize that Peter has a real Allison Williams vibe about him. I guess all two of his white friends and two of his black friends show up, and the two males are immediately sequestered four feet away from Rachel for "guy talk."

Peter's whole thing is that he only wants to propose marriage once in his life and he's not positive he should be doing that in three weeks after having spent a total of six hours alone with this woman. And I get it. But like…Rachel is a beautiful, self-aware, successful attorney…I'd probably Married At First Sight her ass if given the opportunity. His "friends," not making eye contact and maybe calling him Patrick at one point, tell him not to fuck it up. But when Rachel meets Peter's family — bearing two unidentified wrapped parcels — Peter's mom tells her he's ready for marriage emotionally, but at this moment, he might be more prepared for a "commitment" than forking over a diamond.

Peter's thoughts are totally logical — it's exactly how I would feel if put in this situation, but with less prominent cheekbones and no charming tooth-gap (just weakened enamel from years of drinking Diet Coke—is that hot). But I wouldn't put myself in this situation — Peter, with his gorgeous face and strong tooth enamel, did.

Peter seems to thank that he's playing his game: what can he handle, what is he ready for. But this ain't yo game boo-boo. For as self-aware as Rachel is, this isn't even her game. This is The Bachelorette. Peter is trying to play checkers in a game of Psychological Warfare Chess (patent pending). You've got to be eight steps ahead; when you're on your first date, you have to be thinking about your third date where you will, of course, be staring in to Neil Lane's icey blue eyes, deciding on princess-cut, emerald cut, or running away fast enough that Chris Harrison can't catch you.

In the end, Peter tells Rachel, "I'm just very happy right now." Rachel responds: "And I…am very happy too." A love story for the ages!

Dean

What's left to be said about Dean's Hometown date? Well, I guess, the details: The scene opens up on Dean, the Skipper of reanimated Ken dolls, set against the gorgeous landscape of Aspen, about to have one of the worst experiences of his life, which again, was completely avoidable. I've found Dean to be surprisingly mature throughout the season, including his explanation of his father's faith choices, which he explains pragmatically; for Dean, that means only impulsively smiling, like, ever twenty seconds instead of every five. Six years ago, his father converted to the practices of a Kundalini Yogi—as Dean explains, his faith is much like Sikhism, and as he further explained in a thoughtful Instagram post in advance of the episode, it's not what he was referring to when he called his father "eccentric."

You guys, I know I'm stanning for Dean too hard, like he’s just a cute 26-year-old with a complicated past. But I can't help it. I have to imagine my reaction to him is akin to if I was a 14-year-old and understood what a Shawn Mendes is. In a franchise where stereotypical masculinity is valued so highly that being "protective" is frequently manufactured from bungee jumping and cave diving excursions, it's really interesting to see Rachel take on the role of protector as she gently forces (okay, that part's not great) Dean to go inside his father's home amidst his admissions of being "legitimately terrified."

But everything is fine! This is the first time all of Dean's three siblings, his father Paramroop, and Paramroop's wife Santantar have all been together in eight years. Paramroop asks them to all lay down and face their heads toward his gong, and plays some soothing gong tunes which actually seem to…soothe everyone.

And okay, Dean wasn't actually forced into seeing his family, presumably this was his own decision. I will never understand why Rachel encouraged him to choose this already volatile time to confront his dad for apparently the first time every about his lack of sensitivity following his mother's death, but…he did it. And it did not go well!

Paramroop seems like he's really trying to put on a nice, albeit uncomfortable, dinner for everyone, but Dean feels like everyone is putting on a front that they're one big happy family. Well, yeah, that's what you do when there's a stranger in your home and you're trying to make them feel welcome. But Dean asks if he and his father can have a few moment son their own which means everyone else has to…go outside? Outside, Dean's sister tells Rachel what a strong person Dean is and how much she admires him. It's very sweet. Inside, Paramroop tells Dean he's glad he's doing something he loves to do, and when Dean asks for clarification, Paramroop says, "I guess…hanging out with a beautiful woman?" It's very painful.

Dean asks his father if he thinks he's "fulfilled things" as a father and Dean's dad says, "I must have been a pretty great dad because look at my son," and oooooh it possibly the worst attempted compliment of all time. Dean tries to explain his frustration of his dad not being there for him after his mother passed, but Paramroop is not willing to take on that emotional responsibility. Dean wants them to be able to talk about it now that they're both adults and he understands better what was happening, but they just go back and forth until Paramroop says, "Because of my teaching, we believe the other person is you. So whatever you think of me is what you think of yourself." Which…sucks.

Paramroop storms outside and when Rachel asks if she can speak with him he says, "If you must." It's a forced conversation but Paramroop tells Rachel she's welcome back anytime and she tells him what she has with his son is very special. Dean is distraught inside. He tells Rachel, "I know that I'm falling in love with you. I don't even know how to conceptualize this, that's why I'm so blown away." Rachel whispers back, "I'm falling in love with you too."

And then she breaks up with him!!!

Thank goodness. Not because I want Dean's little bird heart to break, or because it made a ton of sense for Rachel to tell him she was falling in love with him and then dash he bowtied heart days later. But because Rachel and Dean were never going to work. She is a mature queen among women, and he's just a baby with a lot of self-admitted growing up to do...

And where better to do that than in Bachelor in Paradise, where boys go to become men. Dean asks Rachel why she said she was falling in love with him and she tells him that she meant it. So that's…the opposite of closure and will probably haunt him while he tries to make out with Raven, etc. But sometimes you just have to cut the good ones loose so they can reconnect with their nuclear family and probably become Musica.ly stars or whatever.

See you next time for a combined recap of Approved Coitus Time with Chris B. Harrison™ and The Men Tell All©

[littlemisssquiggles]

It’s so late and I know this couldn’t be canon, but hear me out So what if there’s a town that Oscar frequently visited all throughout his life for farm supplies, and all the people there love him? While passing through said town, the team gets roped into having fun. Some of the village children ask an embarrassed Ruby is she’s Oscars girlfriend, and our two rosebuds have fun by being silly kids and dancing with the townsfolk. I have so much more to add but I have no character allowance left-

M’dude, great minds really do think alikesince I had the same thought. This is why I kept hoping for Oscar to show thegroup his home with his Auntie Pine. Would have been the perfect opportunityfor us to learn more about Oscar’s home life and the kind of neighbourhood helived in with the kind of colourful people he and his family lived next doortoo.

This actually reminds me of a Pinehead headcanon I had about Oscar comingfrom a pretty big family (surprisingly bigger thanJaune’s) where him and his parents shared the farm with his aunts and unclesfrom both sides of the family and they also had their children and theirchildren’s children. So basically Oscar was raised always surrounded byfamily---aunties, uncles, grandparents, cousins, young and old---the whole lot.

My main disappointment for this season wasthe lack of fleshing out Oscar’s backstory more. As much as I’ve liked theCRWBY including him in more scenes for this volume, they really missed the baron giving us Pineheads more information into Oscar as a character in terms ofhis upbringing. At least for those of us who wanted that for our boy. Like yours truly.

Perhaps…there will be other opportunities for the Writers to drop little breadcrumbsabout Oscar’s past here and there in succeeding seasons. Either that or RWBY Chibi to the rescue!

I wouldn’t be surprised if Oscar is finally added to the Chibi cast for S4. I know Chibi fans are excited for Coco but this squiggle meister is waiting for Oscar. I have been waiting for 2 seasons. Theyhave to add him at this point. I forgavethem for not adding him right after V4 and 5 dropped. I’m still a tad salty about Klein and the freaking Geist Grimmmaking it into Chibi before Oscar. That’s insulting. But fear not, I’m sureafter V6, RWBY Chibi will finally be eligible for an Oscar. After this proclaimed Oscar-worthyseason, I won’t be surprised if they add ourprecious farm boy.

Just as how I won’t be surprised if ChibiOscar ends up being more fleshed out than actual canon series Oscar. No shadeto the CRWBY but I feel like that’s a possibility too XD

Anyways in my old Pineheadheadcanon, the JNR_QROWMBY end up passing throughOscar’s home; meeting his family including his full string band of youngcousins, nieces and nephews who are all mostly girls and they all kind of swarmaround Ruby, pressing her with prying questions about her relationship statuswith Oscar.

A part of me now kind of wants to dig upanother old Pineheadheadcanon of mine about Oscaroriginally being from Mantle and was onlyliving with his Auntie Pine because she was the only relative he had thatactually had room to accommodate him. I like the idea of most of Oscar’sfamily, at least on his father’s side, hailing from Mantle and that Oscaractually grew up with his dad’s side of the family for most of his childhoodbut ended up moving all the way to Mistral to live with his Auntie Pine; hismother’s sister, after his folks passed.

Since we know absolutely jack about Oscar’spast, that means we’re free to assume a lot of things about him. For the most part, FNDM theorists includingmyself have always assumed that Oscar’s unnamed aunt is the only relative hehad. But since we technically never got to see Oscar’s aunt or know anything else about him, we canliterally assume that he does has more family so there is still hope for us tolearn more about Oscar’s background, meeting the place where he grew up and thepeople he grew up with. So don’t give up on your theory Cloud. There’s stilla chance for you to get your wish in a later season.

Oscar’s auntbeing his only living relative. Nothing to support that from the canon. Oscar’sparents confirmed to be dead. There’s nothingin the canon to confirm that either. Anima and Mistral being where Oscar wasborn and raised. Believe it or not, there isn’t anything concrete in the canonto says that Oscar has lived in Mistral all his life either.

All we know about Oscar is that when we firstmet him back in V4, he was living with his aunt on her farm conveniently near the Kingdomof Mistral where he worked as a farm hand. As a matter of fact, there is actuallyevidence left in V4 to highlight that Oscar hasn’t been living with his auntfor very long and that he might even be from Anima either. All we know is thatAuntie Pine’s farm was what Oscar considered home at the time.

Surprisingly enough, Oscar’s story was left pretty vague whichmeans there’s a chance to learn more about him going forward.

I can literally say:

‘…Though the heroes were introduced to Oscaras a farm boy from Mistral, truth be told, Oscar was originally born in the Kingdom of Mantle wherehe grew up close to his father’s side of the family---a close community of relativesthat didn’t have a lot but they always had love and sticking together to bravethe tough Mantle conditions was the Pine family motto.

However after his parents passed away, Oscarwas forced to leave Mantle and the family he grew up with in Mantle for much greenerpastures in Mistral because his aunt that lived there was the only other knownrelative that Oscar had who was able to accommodate for him.

Oscar’s aunt and his mother are twins---identical inalmost every way except their personality. Auntie Pine was always the stricterof the two. While her older sister stayed in Anima, Mama Pine moved all the wayMantle after she fell in love with Oscar’s father---a dust miner from Mantle.The two got married and the rest is history.  

A running gag in Oscar’s family is that ifyou saw picture of Oscar’s mother then you also met his Auntie Pine fromMistral since they were so identical…’

Boom! Bing,bang, bong!

I can literally toss this out to the wildsand there is nothing in the canon that says this can’t be true for Oscar’s pastbecause we really don’t have much confirmed for Oscar’s past at all. I guessthis is ironically one of the advantages of the CRWBY Writers making Oscar’s past such a blank canvas. I canfill it with anything I desire and make up as many Pinehead headcanons as Iwant until the Writers actually give us content to ground what Oscar’sbackground is. Oscar’s fullfamily tree and full look of his life with his family when?

Maybe next season or in a future Oscar Pine Character Short or something.

This is why I’d like for the whole OzpinIsolation Arc to be prolonged a little long along with the Merge. Part of Oscar’sfears is that he believes he’ll disappear completely because of the Merge whichcreates prospects for the story to share and build upon his story more going forward beforethat eventually happens.

I know some of us (again myself included inthis mix) were complaining about a lack of progress with the audience learningmore about Oscar this volume but who knows? Perhaps V6 was only the first realchapter in the start of Oscar’sArc going forth towards the inevitable Merge.

It could be. Then again, this is just mebeing hopeful.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)