#and its like then i doubt everything and myself and im like what if i was wrong the whole time and im actually the worst person in the world | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thegravityqueen · 4 months

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I have a lot of issues that unfortunately I don't think talking to my friends would help with because it's always

"Am I annoying/obnoxious/weird" and ofc people wanna be nice and all "no you're not!! :)" and it's like sure for NOW it's fine.

It's hard to interact with others when you're constantly worried that you're being annoying or weird and shit. Like if I mis-step then I will have done the friendship wrong and will get booted back to being alone

#im very big normal as you can tell #i guess what im saying is that i have a hard time trusting people will actually stay around #or that its an inevitability that i will be replaced with someone better #someone smarter or funnier or whatever #i just dont see the point in investing in others if Im just going to be replaced?#which isnt to say i dont like my friends #i just have to stop myself from getting too attached bc everything is temporary #i doubt theres a person out there who would want to put up with me 24/7 lol

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mejomonster · 7 months

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How to make myself write and not stop cause of perceived style inconsistencies ;-; I wish I knew

#rant #shdjjd im stuck cause of this rn!! its so irritating ;-;#i have the plot! the characters! the setting! i know EVERYTHING that needs to be written. its all planned!!!#all the hard work of what-to-write is DONE #i just. keep stopping myself second guessing the style then feel style changed cause i stopped then #doubt myself and wonder if i need to rewrite 6000 words to a new style and wonder if i need to scrap the current voice or stick with it #and im like. goddamn can i JUST GET THIS PLOT WRITTEN #i know its not wven that important what the fucking voice style is! whats more important is WRITING THE PLOT OUT #and yet. i keep second guessing and now i havent written in days ;-; aaaaaaa

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dogboots · 6 days

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blog that makes me happy vs nobody will ever take me seriously here as long as I post the way I do

#mousetalk #im aware that a lot of my biggest interests are for children. thats why this main blog looks like a seven year old designed everything #im also aware of how silly i tend to look to anybody who isnt myself. 'adult who likes things for children“ isnt really something you Want #to be known as because this makes you look stupid to folks who do not have or understand the childish stuff #which is pretty understandable. i do look silly taking cartoon dogs seriously and being converned over toy rabbits feelings and whatnot #im not so oblivous as to pretend that i dont lol #i just wish i could enjoy these things and still be taken seriously! im not angry at people for deciding they wont or deciding they dont #like me or deciding im some sort of strange freak who will never grow up. its valid when you consider the everything else about me.#just wish it didnt have to mean that any and all footholds i have in adult spaces werent null and void you know #itd be nice if the two things could coexist.#im really only rambling in the tags like this because having this childish blog as my main ends with me being blocked a Lot #which again! im not mad about! people can choose to interact with who they like and form whatever opinions they want #im just a little sad is all. i have plenty of (mature even!) interests outside of things like stickers or stuffed animals but i cant really #interact with these things here without somebody inevitably looking my way and going oh. another immature person. goodbye #or just assuming that im a child trying to wiggle my way into adult spaces by claiming i am one. according to 1 ask i recieved a while back #i dont know. this really isnt much of a complaint is it. 'people dont take my stuffed animals seriously' is about as stupid of a problem as #it gets haha #maybe someday ill suck it up and rebrand and stop talking about baby animals on my main blog #so i could finally follow a blog for something like a horror game franchise without being blocked on sight #or greeted reluctantly and with an eyeroll haha #TLDR; if this blog stops being happy funtimes it is nobodys fault but my own for being spineless about my own interests lol #i doubt anybody is reading this wall of text (hello if you are) but dont take anything i said in here personally #enjoy what you want to enjoy. dont let me or anybody else dictate that when your life on earth is so short #this is more just me with my own trivial issues that dont matter in the grand scheme of things #okay goodnight everybody thats it for the time being

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godsfavoritescientist · 9 months

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How do I explain the ways in which the bill origins fic 'A Romance of Many Dimensions' by haley3 rewired my brain without needing to give paragraphs upon paragraphs of context. The fic is something like 200,000 words long. Almost every single good moment calls back to things that are set up earlier in the fic

#godsrambles #girl help 'the colors in our universe are the same as the ones in his home dimension because our universe is made out of a piece of bill'#makes NO sense without adding way more context #not to speak of 'bill is obsessed with ford because he can Feel the same cosmic thread connecting them as the one that drew him towards-#-meeting his henchmaniacs which makes him convinced against all odds that ford is gonna join him'#and the long beginning is set in flatland. its what finally got me to read the book flatland #and now I will literally think to myself 'its not that i Have to do x or y tasks. i GET to do x or y tasks isnt that great'#'i get to live in a physical form that experiences so many vivid thoughts and sensations while on bills favorite planet in the multiverse'#and i will be like 'why should i drag my feet about learning this or doing that. bill was literally trapped in a 2d world-'#'and KILLED to be able to experience a life as 3d and colorful as the one im in'#'and just like bill was so desperate to learn and see and do Everything that the axolotl gave him a ton of power so he could do that.'#'i Also want to learn and do and see everything i possibly can. and i literally HAVE the chance to do that'#'so i'd better start actually Trying to do and see and learn everything i can'#and then i brush my teeth slightly more often or whatever #fucking unhinged and ridiculous way of getting myself to do tasks #the events of this fic arent even my headcanon for bills powers and backstory. i just think its neat!#and now my brain has been permanently rewired by a got dam fan fic.#anyways sorry for all the spoilers but i mean. i doubt many folks would decide to read a fic that long without being intrigued by spoilers #most frustrating thing is that the hard hitting spoilers SEEM understandable without context.#but i promise there is a lot of context missing that makes it make sense why they are good plot points and not just weird random happenings #edit: its 200000 words not 600000. how did I misread that

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pepprs · 11 months

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like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?

#purrs #i think it’s just been a hard year and a long pandemic. but transience and institutional politics and hierarchy and ambiguity are things you #just have to deal with i. an education job / setting and yet theyre fucking killing me. they killed me as a student and they’re killing me #even more as a staff member. i don’t think it’s that much to ask. i just want to have all the people i love in one #place. and to be on the same page all the time. shoulder to shoulder. ts all ive wanted and it’s been 5 years of wanting it so badly im #mentally and in some ways physically sick from the lengths ive gone to get it. like it’s come at a high price and i have it except for when #i don’t which is a lot of the time. idk what im saying. i just… im doing it backwards. im not in higher Ed because i want to be a student #affairs professional or ride up the ranks or whatever. im in it because i love this specific organization and helped to make it from the #start and the only reason i want to rise up the ranks is so i have fewer and fewer reasons to (doubt i’ll) get shaken off. but it can’t ever #be the same as it was. i miss my friends. i miss life before covid and i miss life before july 5 2022. i miss futures i didn’t get to live.#and i need to get over it and just be where i am and be brave and strong and pull myself backup again and make new friends and grow. but its #fucking hard. and im tired. everything has sucked the life out of me #delete later

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thelaststarfalling · 3 months

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just once i'd like to complete one (1) bigger project that i can actually be proud of

#hrrrrg met with my advisor for my thesis and it's Not Great!!#idk how i always manage to set myself up for failure #struggled so much with thinking of a specific thing to write about so now i have this super broad paper about everything which essentially #amounts to writing about nothing #cuz that's not how history works you can't just make a huge argument like that (at least not without much more extensive research than ive #done)#and im not saying anything novel or interesting anyway #but i already have a whole semester of work dumped into this thing so neither my advisor nor myself wants me to tear it apart and start fro #scratch #there definitely wouldn't be time to do that anyway #so now it's just gonna be yet another thing where i have no confidence in it while working on it and just eke out an end product thats #decent enough to satisfy others while i know inwardly that its really not good #the professor for the capstone class last semester said the paper was good and i was in a good spot to finish it this semester #but this is the first time my actual advisor has really looked at it and hes confirming all of the doubts i had about it :((((#agh itll ultimately be fine i just wish i could do something to justify the 'oh youre such a good student!' im really not!!!!!!!!#i have no idea what i'm doing!!!!!!#p

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opens-up-4-nobody · 11 months

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...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

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nomaishuttle · 7 months

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btw controversial but fuckk ptsd dude yohre telling me judt bc my parents shouldnt ever have been parents now i have to be fucked up for the rest of my life .

#i know like..coping mechanisms and ris8ng above and learning to live with it but like its fucking stupid and unfair bc im never gonna stop #having ptsd yk. my episodes might get less frequent i might build happier memories but jm always gonna have these memory blocks and trigger #s and nightmares like. forever. im never gonna get to have had a normal childhood thats the most fuckedbup thing ever #like ik this is whiny but like. why. why me what did i do to deserve that childhood. not that any kid deserves abusive childhoods obviously #it sounds like im like ermmm there r wayyy worse kids who shouldve been the ones to go to the zoo 💀 but like ykwim. why does #thus have to happen to so many ppl i hate it i hate it. i wish i could just Actually forget everything instead of just like. not rly #remembering it but Knowing it..yk. i know everything that happened to me even if its all blocked out #and i still feel like. the effects of it even the stuff thats jncredibly hazy to me. and jm never not gojng to feel that. my personality hs #literally been fucking shaped by the childhood i have and like. yes you can 'change' your personality a bit and your choices blah blah blah #but like. even with that. im still always gonna be like. my first impulse will always be distrust and doubt and fear. even if i train #myself not to Act on those emotions i still will always feel them. im always going to expect people to leave even if they dont even if i #dont let myself push them away its something im always going to be terrified of in the back of my mind. im never gojng to have #proper social skills bc i fully missed out on that stage of development im never going to be like. at the same level as my peers bc i #missed out on those skills. sigh. ik ik ik feeljng inhuman and feeljng different from everybody else is a jniversal thing but i truly think #im like. im missing something that everybody else seems to have and i dont even know what it is but i know i dont have it and everyone #can tell j dont have it and it fucking. sucks . basically

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kethabali · 4 months

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i feel like such a bad person i ghosted so many people because i couldn't bring myself to communicate a problem and decided they probably have other red flags and i should just stop talking altogether to avoid conflict.. i feel so bad about this bc some of them reached out unknowing i did it on purpose and it feels like i really keep misjudging people bc of my trauma and its stopping me from having genuine friendship because i no longer know how to open up and trust people wholeheartedly

#actually audhd #🧃#on the other hand i doubt myself again bc what if im right for ghosting them #cant tell if its trauma or reasonable thinking at this point #most likely trauma bc #at the very least you can communicate problem with them...#at least then i can say i tried right #but no #bc last time i tried it went the worst it can and ive been scared ever since #bc it was the first time i decided to try in a long time #and it went so awful i got scared again #but maybe this time ill try one more time #i have to keep trying right #its just hard bc im so sensitive and scared of falling into a spiral #like ill get attached to someone theyll betray me or hurt me really deeply and ill fall into a spiral #which happened twice so far #but that happened bc i put everything on those people and like #idk i put all my expectations and standards onto one person instead of making multiple friends #i honestly do not know how to have multiple friends #or have friends that we aren't compatible in everything but we enjoy the time we spend together #its like i can only do all or nothing #i wish this could change right now #but i think this takes time #ok bye im done ranting #i just feel sick in my stomach bc i hate confrontation and conflict #SO MUCH #UGH ok fine i have to stop doing this to people its too mean #ok bye #im still feeling guilty

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reiverreturns · 1 year

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listen now. i am under no illusions that most pro-scottish independence memes on this hellsite are likely spread without a lot of thought put into it. maybe you hate the idea of monarchic statehood. maybe you think the uk’s right-wing government causing a constitutional crisis over trans folk being able to complete a legal process a little easier is exceptionally funny.

but as someone who’s campaigned for independence for nearly half her life (started at 16 and i’m about to turn 31); it just... it means a lot. even if it’s fleeting, even if its a notional solidarity. living in scotland so often feels like a constant test of your critical thinking skills. scots are taught from an an early age that our language doesn’t exist, that our culture or heritage isn’t as important to learn about as british or global history. we’re taught, in many ways, that we’re just funny sounding english people with a propensity for drinking and ceilidh dancing. we’re constantly manipulated by the mainstream british media which we’re trained to believe is some of the most non-biased in the world (particularly the BBC). we don’t know who we are or where we came from as a nation. and if you’re not paying attention and asking questions, it is so goddamn easy to believe this piss state is better. it’s a lie we’ve been beating into ourselves for hundreds and hundreds of years.

it’s sometimes hard to see outside the bubble and remember that other people looking in might see what so many of us on the inside see. so thank you. even your damn bugs bunny memes have warmed my hardened little heart on this january eve.

#its fun to observe the whole anti monarchy swing on tumblr because yeah fuck that family #but scottish independence is fundamentally about the fact that scots cannot live the way they want to because of our political system #the uk is a 'partnership of equals' except one partner has its boot on the other partner's neck(s)#and to cover my ass - what i'm describing is only my experience #i was forced to stop speaking scots aged five in school #i didn't read ANY scots literature beyond burns until i went to university and studied it bc it wasn't mandatory #i did like... a project on mary queen of scots in primary school and a 3 month module on the clearances in high school and that was IT #everything i know about scots literature culture language and politics i had to learn myself because there was no commitment to teach it #(this might have changed but i doubt the needle has moved significantly)#im just so very tired of fighting the fight right now #the GRA veto has really done a number on me #mutuals who rb pro-indy posts just know i want to kiss you (consensually) whole on the mouth xoxoxox

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frecklystars · 6 months

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[starts sniffling and crying when seeing pictures of ryan gosling from the fall guy movie] oh ok it's that kind of night