#and its making me fkin sad

[dexaroth]

godddd i WANT to like minecraft so much but theres fucking nothing going onnnnn the biomes are boring the geography is def better than was before but still theres so little variation and even then the core gameplay is just. nothing. the inventory management sucks so much ass ive straight up stopped playing vanilla without bundles and the way you progress in many areas is so dumbb like teehee go find a jungle biome that could be 200 blocks or 20000 blocks away from spawn just so you dont implode of anger trying to build something decent without wasting time on countless dirt pillars. oh and also the only things that look good are structures from the outside because furnishing stuff is practically impossible since theres no furniture. lolz

there are of course many mods that adress this sort of thing but each take it in a new direction and sometimes you just want a branch of the river yknow?

ive been trying to find datapacks for this sort of thing but it doesnt seem like they can accomplish much so it leaves everything to need to be mods.. sigh

[smokin-corn]

why why did we as a society decide to make BORING ASS CARS Each brand used to be so distinguishable. They had so many models, so many colors a variations, and now you can't even get a two door unless its part of a sports line. And now some sports models don't even have a two door version (LOOKING AT YOU HONDA) and it makes me sad the sports cars that they do have, Mustangs Camaros, Corvettes..etc.. they really lost what made them what they are Their another example of loosing what truly made them that specific model

yea they look fine, but like with everything, they are all super samey. And dont even get me started on how the Toyota Supra and Subaru brz ARE THE SAME FKIN CAR

yea lol

[risetherivermoon]

"This is as good as its gonna get."

nicky makes me so sad, dear fkin god...even in a timeline where he isn't a part of the close family, the cycle caught up to him, weather hes nick close or nicholas foster, hes stuck with this and theres nothing anyone can do about it, not any time travel magic can undo the damage done

the generational trauma themes of the dungeons and dragons podcast are getting to me yall, when the oak family reunion happens i wont recover

[estrophore]

Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

[mariska]

hi i would like to share a recent personal experience (with a surprisingly positive resolution) about challenging hate speech in online video games that have chat features as an extremely socially anxious autistic person + also some thoughts i've held for a very long time regarding the need for folks who are privileged enough to not be targets of constant harassment in video game social environments to use that privilege by speaking up when witnessing hate speech for those of us who can't safely do so

(this ended up being a super long post i'm sorry, i tried to split it into separated paragraphs to make it a bit more accessible to read but i needed to get this whole train of thought written outside of my brain before i unintentionally move on to some other point of focus and forget all of this)

i dont usually like posting about bad online video game interactions since thats a Bummer, but. i wanted to make a post to share a brief interaction i was a part of in the text chat of an online team game last night that actually had a positive resolution even just for the sake of being able to say that i've witnessed a bad video game interaction involving me as a target end up with a positive resolution. i'm gonna put the rest of this whole thing under a 'read more' so that it hopefully doesn't clog anyone's dash up with long-scrolling text wall:

i was playing 'versus' mode in Left 4 Dead 2 on my computer last night, which for anyone not familiar with that gamemode, is where one team of 4 people play as the human survivors and the other team of 4 people play as the game's 'Special Infected' zombies (Boomer, Hunter, Tank, etc. on a randomized respawn rotation). its very fun and chaotic but because of the chaotic rapid respawn nature of the zombie side and the fact that you don't usually play as the special infected zombies in the regular 'campaign', its not uncommon to be put in matches with ppl who have no patience for anyone who isnt super experienced or skilled or whatever as every special infected on the zombie team and people start arguments in the chat pretty often. im not a fan of ppl acting out like that but usually its just Annoying and i ignore it and carry on,

last night though, someone on the opposite team of mine (mine was currently the zombies; the game goes back and forth to let each team do their best at surviving the same levels on both sides; one team gets as far as they can as humans and then the other tries to match that score or do better if they can and so on) was getting increasingly frustrated that whenever their team was playing as the survivors they weren't quite making it as far towards the map end goals as my team was, because my team was doing slightly better at teaming up as the special infected zombies to get bigger scores and hold them away from their goal.

eventually he got so visibly upset in the text chat that he went "ok. r*tarded but ok', and then followed up quickly with something along the lines of "yall know you're a bunch of fkin r*tards right" (i censored it here, he did not originally) and that immediately crossed a boundary line for me because i'm autistic, and once was already too much, but twice in a row made me very uncomfortable. i didn't know or care if he was saying it to us (his enemy team), or his own team for having a slightly lower score as the survivors, but nobody else in the game had shown any text or voice chat signs of being unsafe people or angry people, so i felt safe enough to go in the text chat (i usually do not do this because i usually do not feel safe enough to do so in groups of strangers online)

i said something like "learn a new word to use, maybe?", just to kind of be like, 'hey, nobody else in this game is talking the way you are, don't be That Guy' you know? he said "why? its not like its a big deal", which was kinda sad to read 'cause it gave me the impression that this person probably spends a good amount of time (willingly or unwillingly) around people who commonly use slurs because its 'not a big deal'; again, nobody else in the match was getting involved verbally or textually, and we all continued to play the game while this happened, so i decided that i was going to stick up for myself since i don't often feel like i have the opportunity to do that in the text chat of games without feeling humiliated or thrown under the bus by my teammates or whatever.

while i was typing the guy added "i wasnt even saying it to you anyways" (does not matter to me, obviously). i finished the response i had been typing to his message about 'its not a big deal' and said "it is a big deal, actually!". by this point, his character had been eliminated entirely and his team had one or two human survivors running to their end goal map exit for the round, so he had more free time to type and he replied to me and said "whatever, you do you i guess". i said "well. i'm autistic, so." and meant to say 'i guess i will' in response to 'you do you', but the round ended after i sent that reply and the loading screen popped up for the survivor/zombie team switch

when it did, he wrote "fair 'nuff." in the chat like a minute or so into the very start of the round when both teams were getting set up and everything, and i was honestly fine with that as a general resolution to the whole thing, because the minute or so of time in between my last message and the non-aggressive bluntness of it made me feel like he probably felt at least a little guilty realizing that he was casually tossing around a slur that is very commonly used against autistic people to An Actual Autistic Person in the same game as him, and that worked for me.

the game went on as it regularly had been for like five or so more minutes, and then he suddenly sent another final and honestly unexpected message in the group chat that said, in no response to any other messages that had been typed by anyone since his last one, "alright i'm sorry i used that word in chat mariska" (my name/username). which was actually wild for me to see because i am very much not used to getting actual apologies from strangers who say bad stuff in game chats, and i genuinely appreciated that he either hadn't stopped thinking about it and felt bad about acting out, or maybe some of his own teammates had prompted him to apologize in their respective team chat or something; either way, i gave a genuine "thank you." in the chat to let him know the gesture was appreciated, and for the rest of the maybe 30 or so mins that the whole match lasted, there was no more aggressiveness or slurs or toxicity at all in the chat from either team's side. when the game ended all together, he was one of the first people to type "gg" (good game) in the chat, as did myself and almost all of the other folks in the match, and after that i stopped playing for the night.

sorry for the big long text post, but i wanted to share this somewhere other than just that isolated game match chat between 8 people, because i very often see a lot of people (on pretty much any social media but mostly on here tbh) make posts regarding this exact kind of video game or general online text chat community experience where the person writing the post encourages others who also commonly witness it, or are the target of slurs, harassment, threats etc, to speak up (if it is safe to do so, imo 'speaking up' or 'calling out' people you dont know especially in aggressive game communities should be the responsibility of allies/friends/non-targeted folks more often than those of us who are being harassed or threatened or talked down to ourselves since it is inherently more dangerous for us to defend ourselves unfortunately and it can take a very serious turn against us very fast, think 'swatting' or doxxing, as a few examples off the top of my head) against the language/slurs/bigotry/harassment that aggressive, angry, frustrated strangers commonly spew in text and/or voice game chats, and as someone who plays a lot of team based online games regularly and has played online games in general since the mid-2000's, i couldn't agree more with the people i've seen writing posts or game journalism articles encouraging people to refuse to allow that kind of behavior to be validated by others in an online match, or to only ignore it when there is a safe opportunity to make it known that at least one person refuses to tolerate whatever behavior the aggressor is displaying.

anyways, to make an accidentally way too long story short; more often than not, in online video game chat circles, it's unfortunately just not going to be super productive to call out casual hate speech & harassment because there are typically (in my personal experiences at least) more people in a group of strangers that either enjoy seeing targets of harassment get upset and will join in with the original aggressor to humiliate whoever speaks against it, or who behave the same way as the aggressor and validate their own patterns of hate speech as being acceptable and common by defending their behavior/siding with them in larger numbers.

but! in situations where you're watching that happen, to yourself or others, and everyone else is either silent or doesn't seem to agree/enjoy watching someone have a bigoted hissy fit in a video game chat, it absolutely can be worth it to be the person who makes it clear to that person that they are the problem. unless you personally know every individual person who is playing in the same match group as you, there is no 100% way to know exactly who all the other players are outside of their characters or personas they're represented by in-game. people who tend to be commonly perceived as pretty emotionally mature in general, in any part of online or offline life, can and do absolutely come across as temporary social role models/behavioral leaders to the other real human beings around them in the moment, regardless of whether that's intentional on their end or not.

i'm not quite sure if the term 'peer pressure' is exactly what i'm looking for as terminology right now since that term is typically applied in negative behavior patterns, but that concept is very real in any gathering of multiple people - it can (and again, in SAFE settings, should) be utilized in a positive, constructive way to prompt someone to think before they speak/type, and to make a point to everyone present in the moment that we are all allowed to openly bring attention to harassment and hate speech. that point is an especially important realization for people who may hold generally higher positions of privilege than those of us who speak against it, since they are the ones that really need to be doing this kind of thing more often and in larger majorities than those of us who are put in danger when we bring attention to hateful behavior simply by existing as oppressed people of any kind.

i guess the whole main train of thought i'm attempting to explain with all of this is, like. before that one person started typing out a slur two times in a row that has been used against me so many times in my life that my brain went into auto-pilot and refused to let him feel comfortable saying it again, nobody was typing anything like 'gg' or 'gr' (good round, when a game isn't totally finished yet) at all, which was fine that's not like a requirement, but when that next round ended after the guy apologized and i said thank you, everyone else started saying 'gr' until the match ended and there were a bunch of 'gg's instead, like i mentioned above.

in all honesty, if i hadn't been so exhausted last night from having a really difficult day earlier that involved a lot of unintentional trauma triggers, panic attacks and anti-anxiety medication, i probably would have just left the game or not said anything when that happened, because i am terrified of confrontation and i am very used to it resulting in bad outcomes for me so i try very hard to have self-control and not potentially feed into trolls online, but i had a really really bad day, and that was my late night comfort special interest activity, and it pissed me off that i couldn't avoid traumatic triggers even in that short distraction before attempting to get some sleep. i was acting totally on emotionally charged impulse which is something that i try so hard not to do with strangers in video games of all places.

but i mention that specifically because it still made a difference in that one match, and because of that we were all able to have fun playing a video game the way it was meant to be played for friendly competitive enjoyment. i will probably never interact or maybe even just run into any of those people in a game lobby again, so obviously there's no way for me to know if the person who typed the slur messages will just continue to do that in other games anyways or if getting called-out on hateful behavior had any kind of impact on how he might think a few seconds longer before saying something like that to strangers online again in the future, but like. i don't know. that's kind of the point, i think? he seemed at the very least pretty embarrassed that nobody wanted to defend him or feed into the whole 'its not a big deal' thing, to the point that he actually apologized appropriately to me directly in a social setting where 6 other people saw it, so maybe that was a feeling of temporary guilt or shame or just being humbled a bit that he needed to experience to learn something from.

some people really are just not worth the mental or emotional effort to respond to because they are so set and fixed in their ways, and they're a stranger, and it's not our responsibility to fix that, especially in video games, that's why i usually. Dont Bother. but also sometimes people are so self-centered or uncaring or maybe even projecting self-hatred of how they think of themselves onto strangers because they don't view those strangers as fully realized human beings that continue living their lives after exiting out of a video game, who knows, i don't and i really don't care to, but i truly think there are a large amount of people in this kind of situation that just repeat whatever they've learned and heard around them for however long, and think of it as 'no big deal', and they suddenly feel very embarrassed and ashamed and small when one of the usernames they view as just a username on a screen talks back and they are faced with the realization that they said something awful to a real person, not an npc, not a left 4 dead 2 zombie character, and the other 6 real people there say nothing to defend them, because what they said sucked, and we're all trying to have fun playing a silly game, and they deserved to be embarrassed about it.

i think that's maybe my Big Concluding Thought on this whole thing. not necessarily 'everyone join me in Bringing Peace And Harmony To Left 4 Dead 2 Online Text Chat', but like...your words mean things to people you don't know when you say things to them in a place like a video game chat, and the largest majority of people playing most games just wanna play the game, so like. maybe think for a second or two before you just say stuff that sucks. especially if it sucks because it is literal hate speech? but also in general when it just sucks because its just a mean unwanted and unhelpful comment. and maybe ask yourself, if you're someone who jokes about wishing you werent 'so toxic when i play but i cant help it' or if you say things just to say things because 'its no big deal', why? why are you like that? you literally do not have to be. you don't know the lives and experiences of the people you're spending a very small amount of time with together in a game online and when you do this kind of stuff, when you're mean and 'toxic' and you call people slurs when they don't get as many high little numbers next to your digital team's fake video game scoreboard as you want them to get, the only impression or memory they will ever have of you is that they don't like you and you made a lighthearted experience suck for 7 people. that is all you get to be to that person forever.

idk, maybe other people don't think that's sad and maybe it doesn't bother them, but if that was the most common impression i left on a bunch of different groups of strangers that i wont get to interact with again afterwards i would feel pretty sad and ashamed about it.

anyways. i need to partake in tasks that do not involve rambling on my phone now but if you read this that is cool thank you, if you didnt that is fine i understand this became a ridiculously long post out of nowhere i do not blame u, and. i hope you have a good day. ok goodbye

[cantalooprat]

[repost from fairytaile bc its long]

i dont nearly talk abt tbbf enough which is like. completely unfair to it. considering it lives rent free in my head, like how liu-laoshi lives rent free in chi xiaochi's head

its one of those rando wn i came across w the normal pleasant review of "it's soo good, pls read it". n its like. sure. not like i have anything better to do, the art looks good, summary looks fun enough. never touched a danmei QT before but that's alright, i'm a garbage can that eats anything (well mostly anything). but! but there is one problem! and that it's unfinished! so i sadly put it at the back of my read list, and went on to browse other wn that have complete translations.

(also the author wrote as part of the summary: "Sue-ish, fluffy, no logic, not the same as those reforming villain stories, be warned" so i was like... is this rly good... but in hindsight its like, well, it's some kind of author awareness to say things like this, right? n it's like... author, if u say things like this, what of the truly trashy wn out there? author? author...?)

n then i was like... on the support authors discord, randomly browsing the discussion thread, when i saw tbbf recced again. just briefly, nothing big, nothing too deep. n idk what possessed me to just be like. u knw what, i knw full well this wn is not fully tl-ed but let's read it anyway.

initially it seemed like ur run of the mill face-slapping op protag wn which is... fine, those r a dime a dozen but they're not bad. it's wn anw, as long as it doesn't get to the cringe levels of stop bothering me, emperor it's whatever.

but then? cxc is actually a nice guy? he's a QT host, but he rly cares for the ppl whose bodies he's inhabiting. he's cold, calculative, ruthless towards his enemies, but he also really really cares abt the victims of these scum gongs, n i was like, wow, what a guy. have u ever wondered what happens to the original soul when the transmigrator transmigrates into them? chi xiaochi does. if there's even the slightest chance that the original soul is still there... he'd bet on that chance, and strive to make them live better lives. he'll act like them, treat their bodies with dignity and respect, and that's just rly cool of him to do that. in all transmigration stories i've read, no one's ever cared abt the original soul /sad

but like, this is a danmei, n why would i read if not for the romance? the romance doesn't have to be dazzling, but it needs to be convincing, y'kno. and boy does it convince. cxc drops hints here and there, of this person in his world, for whom he has to return no matter what. but here's the catch---he's dead, and cxc has to return because he believes that he needs to keep living on for him, to keep remembering him and sweep his grave when no one else would.

i think this was the scene that rly sold me:

···

"i won't go to a world without him" just kill me dead why don't u?

anw later on i spoiled myself that 061 is lou ying which is... well... expected, and i was like, kinda regretting spoiling myself and tried to self-convince that well the journey is what counts, not the destination, but anw in the long run this spoiler doesn't even rly matter bc the Whole Point is the fkin bittersweet flashbacks to their childhood and How It Parallels Current Events and also the sheer もどかしさ of Knowing that 061 is cxc's lou-ge, but cxc Can't Be Sure About That and 061 is Unable To Tell Him Because Plot. they're like parallel lines that are so close to each other but still unable to touch n their relationship makes me have so many feelings, fuck

in a subset of fiction rife with cold, calculating mcs and devoted mls who seem to love the mc more than the mc loves the ml, it's actually such a breath of fresh air to have an mc who's just wholeheartedly devoted to his (dead) beloved. so many danmei have death-chasing shou mcs who have never known love before, whose behaviors scream "it doesn't rly matter what happens to me as long as i achieve my goals" which is like... i'm not saying don't have goals, but lowkey i feel bad for the mls sometimes (lmao). but cxc's goal is his lou-ge, which is... pretty new for me, or mb i haven't read enough danmei lmao. cxc is someone who's fallen in love before he even knew what love was. he's someone who realized that it was love too little too late, and by the time he's even aware, the only way he could express his love is to keep living so that there will be at least someone who remembers his beloved in this world. he climbs out of poverty, he behaves with a devil may care attitude, he's attained what regular people would call "success" at such a young age, but he can't even have one simple, mundane wish granted. and he's so devoted to ly too---to him, there is only one of his lou-ge, and that's the lou ying in his original world. even if he were to come across a different lou ying in a different world, that person isn't his lou ying. he would only want to catch a glimpse of him and see that he's doing well, and he'd move on so that he can go back to his world, the world where his lou-ge once lived in. chi xiaochi won't stay for any other lou ying from any other world. he would go back to his world and continue to live his life the way he's always done, even if it means he'll be alone.

(and like, we all know 061 is ly, and then one can't help but wonder, man, cxc is so smart, surely he's seen the similarities? and like, he has, he has, but 1. he can't bear harboring even the smallest fragment of hope that his lou-ge is still out there, because what if he isn't? after all, hope could be the cruelest thing of all... cxc doesn't dare believe, in the chance that it turns out he's wrong. the only way for him to believe is for 061 to tell him that he's cxc's lou-ge. and then 2. cxc thinks so lowly of himself. he doesn't like the person he thinks he's become. he thinks he's done all the bad things like "smoking, drinking, acting like a rogue, behaving shamelessly", so far from lou ying's chi xiaochi from back then, and he doesn't want his lou-ge to see what kind of person he's become. but then there are the few moments in which he lowers his guard and just indulges, lets himself dream a little that his lou-ge is with him, and it's just! so bittersweet! that feeling of "i can't bear to hope that he's lou-ge" but also "let me pretend, just for a bit, that lou-ge is still here"! pls!!! and anw 061 loves him the way he is!!!! even before he remembers his identity, 061 was alrd like unknowingly sipping vinegar...)

and 061!!! truly a gem among mls!!!!! gentle, sweet, protective but not overbearing, and just all-around a decent person. just how many ml have thoughts of "if only i could keep my beloved from facing danger" without even thinking of what their beloved wants? 061 doesn't do that. ly trusts! believes fully! in cxc! even when he doesn't know that cxc is the person he's working so hard for, he still trusts in his plans and just does the best he can to make cxc's journey smoother! and after he does find out, he still doesn't do any of that "i'll protect you so you won't be hurt" bullshit, more like he...enables cxc's bullshit. on a tangent, imagine if in mdzs, lwj is as confident in wwx as much as ly in cxc. wwx prob wouldn't have to die like that. 061 works so hard behind the scenes, and cxc doesn't even know. 061 thinks cxc doesn't have to know, so he doesn't have to worry, so he can focus on his own tasks. 061 won't hold cxc back for whatever reason---he believes fully in cxc, and that's why he just makes his own decisions and tries his best to help cxc in his own way.

speaking of working hard, this dude is like, slaving away to come back to the person who's waiting for him, even after he got memory loss and can't remember anything else but the vague silhouette of someone in the deep recesses of his lost memories. like, they just rly love each other, even though one of them doesn't know, and the other one can't say anything. god even the reason why 061 lost his memories is cxc. that point in the story when cxc mentioned that someone claiming himself to be ly promised to meet with him but never showed up and it totally broke him, and how after ly remembers his identity, he vows to never break his promise a third time... sigh. wow. why do i have so many feelings for tbbf lmao

another point i rly like abt ly is how he doesn't even have the ml role in the worlds. in the first and second, they're not quite close enough for ly to rly dip his fingers in. in the third, he's an uncle. in the fourth, he's a fukin mecha. in the fifth, he's... a pair of siblings, and anw the "mc" alrd has a love line. in the sixth, he's a "big cat". in the seventh, he's... the shizun, and also another cat, and anw the "mc" alrd has a love line. like, it's just nice, y'know? that ly doesn't have to be the "romantic interest" to show his bond w cxc in each of the worlds. he knows to separate his personal and professional lives lmao. he's just... there for cxc, no matter what, and i think that's the most romantic thing abt them. the trust and devotion, the synchronicity they have, the 一途な想い. and the pining! and how affectionately exasperated ly is!! rly truly "knightly loyal gong" and "satisfied after being mischievous for a moment shou".

anw tbbf also comes with two memorable quotes, the first of which is chi xiaochi's: "To me, only the Lou-ge from the world I came from is real. I won’t go to a world without him." which is also reflected by the author's self-proclaimed one-line summary of tbbf: "I’ll never go to any world where he doesn’t exist". which is like. well. in essence. that's how it is, isn't it? it's totally not a coincidence that it's also one of the quotes that caught me by the heart and wouldn't let go. the author intended it to be that way, and it works so well.

the second one is this super unreasonable whatever this is:

"I've loved someone before. I loved going up and down the stairs with him, I loved it when he taught me how to play video games, where for every six wins he would never forget to let me win four, I loved when he cooked for me and Dog Meat, I loved when he taught me subjects, I loved when he would cover my ears whenever my parents foughtーーI was never asleep, I was always listening. ……love is when after he died I wanted nothing more than to go with him, but was afraid that other than me, no one else would remember him, so I could only use what bound him to the world to bind myself to it. I lived on for him, and even had to live well."

like who even expected a quote like that to come out of a wn titled "don't pick up boyfriends from the trash bin" not me for sure

the first time i read it i was just like, wtf this is def a memorable quote... i don't even have words for it, who even says things like this, im dying

speaking of bittersweet memories, one of my favorite parallels the author pulled is def the "video game coop mode" flashback that basically mirrors how cxc and 061 are in the current events even when cxc doesn't know 061's real identity and 061 can't reveal his real identity to cxc:

···

because... cxc misses that coop mode more than anything... even after he's "gotten used to" the "solo play" of "the game of life", he just wants his lou-ge by his side again. i love that it's such a meta thing, that the entire wn! he's literally playing coop mode with his lou-ge! but he doesn't know that and ly can't tell him! it's so! vexing! this is basically how i feel the entire time i'm reading!!!

i have no words to end this insane rant with, have some songs i headcanon as cxc>>ly songs:

ref:rain by aimer

niji no kanata ni by reona

ame ni utaeba by reona

[ast4rtrying]

I js wna say what i feel abt that time

Or rather what i still feel sometimes

Dear lord,

I dont know why, sometimes i still feel like theres a mask between us, some sort of thick wall

unlike when we would message or talk to each other and reply most things immediately or ask for and give elaboration quickly, things are a lot slower now

I dont know why, i dont want to face it, its fkin unreasonable but sometimes i just feel abit ignored when i ask some things but they arent answered. I unds that in a public space like this we cant answer sensitive things as freely or answer everything bcos its js so slow too, i know. I dont know, i dont see a way to fix this while keeping things smooth and tidy and in line with our promises, i dont

I know i do this sometimes too, sometimes i forget to return to another topic when we're already going down one lane of thought, even if its as impt

I also know that i can ask a lot of qs, a lot of weird or obvious qs that maybe have already been answered, its really js childish for me to expect an answer for them esp in such a slow env and even more so if it seems obvious alr hais, im sorry for that, really adding a lot of stuff clogging up our blogs

And i know its tiring to have to reply to everything posted, i shouldnt have even expected that in the first place. Im sorry its unreasonable, these expectations are unrealistic, and ive been unreasonable too. Im sorry, please forgive me lord, i hope that daniel may forgive me too

Im sorry for that, if i made him feel sad or unheard lord. Im sorry that i didnt make enough effort sometimes to detect what hes feeling, instead focussinh too much on solving it. Im sorry if it made him feel frustrated or ignored like i did sometimes. Im sorry, im trying to do better there and wherever i can too. I pray that you would forgive me for these and anyth else ive done wrong to or hurt you or daniel by doing. I pray that he would forgive me too for any of these that ive hurt him by doing lord. Im sorry lord, and im sorry daniel. Please forgive me

I know we are both trying. We ARE both trying and its hard to address or talk about everything this way js bcos its so slow, theres not enough time in a day to address everything on our minds

Please help us lord, teach us how and give us strength to fix whatever issues or rifts between us, or outside of this relationship that could still be affecting us.

Lord, you provide for all your creations, please help daniel sleep well at night and eat well and regularly each day so that he can live a full and fulfilling life according to your plan for him.

Please heal his body and his stomach of its pain and restore it according to your design for him, so that he can live comfortably and smoothly each day.

Please calm and restore his mind and mental health so that he can live happily and peacefully and fully enjoy this world you have created for him to explore and make better with the gifts you have given him.

Lord, please take care of daniel, help him to live well, fulfilled and happy and following you, regardless of the obstacles or challenges he may face, help him to always be able to overcome them and trust in you.

Please help us both to be honest with ourselves, you and each other and always to support and empathise with each other especially when things are tough.

Thank you for taking care of us and helping our relationship grow thus far, we pray that you will continue to watch over us and help us maintain our relationship in a way that strengthens it, each other and honours you always lord.

Praise you for all your goodness, love, wisdom, mercy and justice, lord, may we praise you forever on earth and with you in heaven. In jesus' name, amen.

Lord, i forgive him already. Amen

Please forgive me world, im sorry for being unreasonable

I hope he is sleeping well

[rjwrites22]

So I'm basically being forced to play DND with my younger siblings over the summer. Thank god for part of my sanity, my little brother is the DM this time, not me. I wonder if my mother realizes that the fastest and most effective way to turn someone off something, even something they really enjoy, is to fucking force them to do it?!

First session is today and I'm already dreading it, partly because it's at one pm and I'm rarely up before like 3. Partly because I only found out about the thing yesterday evening and I wanted the kid to record a few goddamn details of his campaign before starting even though Mother argued that he can't because his handwriting is awful. (In her defense, it is, but that's completely beside the point.) Gonna have to do a disorganized campaign with a 10-year-old for a DM, and I can't fucking say anything because I don't want to DM myself. Maybe it'll be fun?

Also I'm already in a bad mood because for some damn reason I got to thinking about band and reminded myself that nobody in my section's groupchat said happy birthday to me last week which made me VERY sad but I can't fucking tell them because I just can't, that's not something I do. I'm terrified I'd come across as either passive aggressive or just looking for attention, especially seeing as my birthday was on Sunday and it's fucking Friday now. And it's summer so there's no reason for them to think about it in the first place, plus only like three of them are friends with me on Facebook, etc etc I'm an idiot.

There's also some other things upsetting me right now, I'm just not in the best mood overall and it's not anything I could ever talk to anyone but myself about. Especially because the biggest thing is fucking ridiculous for me to be upset over.

[luthermac]

i feel like at some point u gotta accept that people just. don’t care about u as much as u care about them and they have their own lives and shit to deal with and ultimately no matter who is in ur life and no matter what their intentions are u are completely and utterly alone but i am very bad at handling the truth and also very bad at letting go of things even if they arent good for me so! i will suffer in silence and use nice scented body lotions 2 distract myself so i dont cry

[doriansbutt]

...

[leshyleaf]

YOU TALKING ABOUT THE PARALLELS BETWEEN OFF AND UNDERTALE-

Just, that whole post has so many great just!!! You know?? Its such a good post, and now I wanna rewatch someone's playthrough of the game.

YEAHHHHH DUDE THERES SO MANY ITS CRAYZAYY.

Off is such a weird, trippy, complicated game (not really gameplay wise, but lore wise, yget me), and I know that toby literally did take some inspo from it, but my neurodivergent brain loves finding the similarities between two things and pointing them out to me like some kind of overexcited bird dog.

If you play undertale blind, you’ll probably kill everything in sight because this is how you have been taught to play rpgs your entire life (assuming you have been playing rpgs a lot lol). Throughout the game, you may slowly realize that what you are doing might not be as neutrally necessary as you once thought. And that actually, you might be making yourself into The Bad Guy by acting this way.

off spoilers below if you mind

Off is like that, but that feeling is obligatory. Whether or not you slowly begin to understand that your objective to “purify the world” isnt really the holy mission you thought it was, (which, if you visit the previous zones after you “purify” them, you might realize this very suddenly), there is no pacifist route. You continue, that’s your only option.

But that absolute wipe of all life; the merciless mass murder of monstrous beings in the pursuit of, well, something…(in both games, the player is a character who is left in the dark about the batter/chara’s true intentions until the end) is one of the biggest similarities between the two games for me.

To expand on the player thing: both in Off and in Utdr, it is purposefully made abundantly clear that the player and the protagonist are two separate entities. In undertale/deltarune, this is slightly more subtle, (but no less true), while in Off, Pablo (the judge), and Zacharie both pretty much only speak to you, not the batter. You are called “the puppeteer.” Even the batter speaks about you, and is aware of his lack of control over his own actions. Unlike some other puppet from deltarune, but much like Kris (minus the snowgrave route), he is unconcerned by this.

Now, deltarune. This is a game where we explore worlds created by something called “The Knight”. We navigate through some crazy imagination land, probably brought into being solely through someone’s determination, their mind expanded outward.

At the end of Off, we find out that the world was already destroyed long before we begin the game, and that we are navigating through some crazy imagination land, probably brought into being by someone (Hugo’s) determination, their mind expanded outward.

I like to connect deltarune and off with these themes of apocolypse and creation, although they seem to be happening in the opposite order. 😳

And damn I mean, not only are a lot of the themes between these games similar, with a similar vibe for secret bosses and puzzles as well, but even in Off’s overworld artstyle you can see, like…especially looking at undertale in comparison: The simple but bold and saturated color schemes, the box-like platforms your character is laid upon…they’re both just really simple but effective,I don’t know how to explain it better lol.

Mannn and don’t even get me stahted on the character parallels :,)…

Two royally-appointed judges with a lazy streak and little brothers? Who have neglected their duties and therefore have to fight you in an epic fkin final battle at the end?

Two younger brothers in law enforcement…ruthlessly killed by something seemingly small and innocent…

Two watchful guardians of their own zones, looking after their denizens, and seeing you, a threat (their duty?) and making it their mission to stomp you out.

Self aware shopkeepers…they know they are in a video game, and lemme tell ya, they are apathetic and sad about it! (And a little crazy too)

Two old entities…leaders, rulers, former lovers. One abandoned their post long ago (one of them to live in the ruins and wait for the protagonist, and one of them to live in the void and…wait for the protagonist), and one rules still, neglectful in their own way without really meaning to be.

I don’t know how to end this rant bwaha. I’m running on 3 hours of sleep cut me some slack 😔🤟

In any case, i love these games a lot lol

I’m responding to this ask woefully late, but yeah, you should totally rewatch it if you haven’t already ^^

[heybinnie]

colour me [yellow]

colour me | blue | yellow

the next day goes by real slow, kinda like the snail on your classroom’s windowsill. you can’t help but stare at the way the sun bounces off its black shell and wonder, in another world, what other colour it would’ve been instead.

you think about that store a lot. you think about the weird d.store and the blue g-- eunwoo, and his rich blue clothes and how you’d spent a whole night in his Dream. none of it makes sense. you don’t understand how any of that happened and how that store exists--heck, it wasn’t even there when you woke up.

which, by the way, is another thing altogether. what kind of guy leaves you sleeping on the sidewalk?

with a tiny flare of determination, you purse your lips and drum your grey fingertips against the black surface of your desk. you’re going back there tonight. you’re gonna go back and give him a piece of your mind.

(a voice says you really just wanna see more of those beautiful colours, and you squash it with a foot.)

luckily for you, your day goes by quickly. you breeze through your classes with half a mind and you’re out the door the minute you’re dismissed. it’s 5pm by the time you’re on the sidewalk; you try to remember what time you found the store yesterday. was it 5pm too? or had it been earlier?

you halt in your steps when you round the corner. the store stands tall and proud, its grey walls blending in easily with its surroundings. the huge sign above it remains black as the store continues to sleep. for a long few seconds, you find yourself simply standing there, wondering how a shop can look so innocently plain and boring like every other building along the street, and you get a wave of skepticism once again. right now, it just looks shady.

a part of you can’t help but think that maybe it had all been a dream after all. that this is just another quiet store, and that maybe the ‘d’ does mean drugs, and you’ve gone crazy. that this whole thing is really just something you’re making up in your head and colours still don’t exist.

as if knowing what you’re thinking, the huge sign overhead flickers to life.

seven colours burst through the blend of grey and white. you look at the door; the sign says ‘open’ now, its colours seeming to both mock and beckon you forward at the same time. you purse your lips.

“it definitely means drugs,” you mutter and push the door open anyway.

and again, you’re taken aback by the interior of the store, at the bright, warm colours welcoming you in with open arms. you’re still in awe by all the lovely flowers and blue benches and tables. idly, you wonder if you’ll ever get used to this.

“welcome— oh, miss! you came back.”

you look up to see the pretty golden-haired barista behind the counter, once again cleaning a few glasses. his pink lips turn up into a smile as he bows his head slightly. “nice to see you again.”

you walk up to the counter slowly. “yeah, uh— i mean, you told me to come back, so—“

and then you remember why you’re here. the fire in your chest comes back and takes the physical form of you slapping a hand down onto the countertop. you ignore his little jump. “by the way, how dare you, leaving me outside at night on the cold, hard ground, telling me to come back with a sticky note, what kind of customer service—”

“about that…” his eyes crinkle up into crescents. “you’re quite the heavy sleeper, miss. sure reminds me a lot of someone i know.” he glances at the red bottle on display.

“what?”

“anyway, if it makes things better, you looked like you were having a good Dream.”

“i— you know about the Dream?”

he raises a brow. “of course i do.”

“how? did i sleep talk?”

“no, that’s— didn’t eunwoo tell you?”

“eunwoo?” you frown and look at the countertop. “he— he said something about— getting his Dream because i drank—“

then it hits you again, and you squint your eyes at the barista watching you innocently.

“what?”

“you’re jinjin, aren’t you?”

he nods calmly. “yes, in the flesh.”

“you’re the one who gave me that blue drink yesterday, right?”

“well, technically, you picked the blue drink—“

“which means… you put drugs in my blue drink and made me drink that drink!”

he stares at you for a second before closing his eyes, laughing a little in awe, hand paused mid-air.

“miss, we’ve talked about this—“

“it’s d for drugs, isn’t it?”

“no, miss, please, i’m not a drugdealer—“

“then explain,” you fold your arms. “i wanna know everything.”

“alright,” jinjin sighs, folding his arms on the counter as well and leaning against them. “first and foremost, the d does not mean drugs. i repeat, it does not mean drugs.”

you shake your head. he laughs again.

“i’m serious! it means Dreams, miss. in this store, we sell Dreams.” he gestures towards the row of coloured bottles lined up neatly behind him. “those bottles, see, if you drink them, you get a different Dream every time, depending on the colour you pick. that’s it.”

you blink. “so you’re telling me there are six more ‘Dreams’? and i’ve already seen eunwoo’s?”

“yes, that’s correct.”

“do i have to drink all of them?”

“of course not, but if you want to, that’s fine, too.”

“are there—“ you hesitate, unsure of yourself. “are there other customers, too?”

“yes, there are. not all the time, though.”

“do they come back?”

he pauses. “not if they don’t have to.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“well…” jinjin scratches the side of his nose. “see, our Dreams— they serve as a… a distraction, of sorts.”

there is silence.

“so—“

“no, still not drugs.”

“hmm.”

jinjin sighs. “customers usually find this place when they need an escape, a getaway, when they need ‘out’— call it what you will. i know what they need the moment they’re within range of the store, so it’s easy to pick out which Dream i should give them once they walk through the front door.” he hums. “usually, they keep coming back until their problem is solved, but sometimes it just takes one Dream.”

“but i don’t need any of this,” you frown, looking at the blue bottle. “my life is perfectly fine the way it is. so why am i here?”

“you tell me,” jinjin raises his brows, a small smile playing at his pink lips. “you found my store, and we only appear when someone needs us, so why are you here?”

you pause, mind racing. did you have a problem? no, not really. not before you found the store, not now, either— well, except for trying to figure out if this is all—

wait a minute.

“hold on.” you take a deep breath. “‘only appear when someone needs us’? what’s that supposed to mean?”

jinjin doesn’t say anything.

“are you even, like— real?”

he still doesn’t say anything.

“jinjin? i— wait, why am i here, again?”

he watches in amusement as you stand there with your fingers cradling your forehead, staring at the countertop as you try to sort out your existential crisis. he hears ‘confused’ and ‘no problems’ and another ‘why am i here’, and decides that you need a little break, and a little bit of clarity.

so jinjin pulls out the yellow drink and calmly puts on the counter in front of you.

you look up at the bottle, then squint up at jinjin. he gives you a smile.

“san— i mean, i think this Dream will help you some,” he says, taking out a glass. “it’ll help to sort things out.”

“how do you know that?”

he shrugs, smiling as he pours in the drink. “have a sip.”

“can’t you just tell me? you said you know what customers need when they come here, so—”

“i know what they need,” he says, “but you gotta figure out yourself why you need it, too. that’s all part of the process, miss.”

you look down at the glass. the bright yellow looks back up at you, dancing in little ripples and licking against the sides as if it wants to play. you wonder what kind of Dream this one would be; what’s yellow supposed to be? why is it so bright and loud?

“miss,” jinjin says softly, looking at you kindly when you meet his eyes. “if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. it’s okay.”

your heart warms a little at how genuine he says it. you feel a tiny wave of guilt wash over you suddenly, and look away from his face. god. feels like you kicked a puppy.

“you said this will help me answer some stuff, right?”

jinjin smiles at you in reply.

“then fine,” you say, curling your fingers around the glass. “i’ll have a sip.”

you take a big gulp. jinjin watches in surprise as you chug the whole thing down, and laughs a little when your eyes start drooping almost immediately.

you slink down to rest your head in your arms, eyes fluttering shut. “don’t leave me on the sidewalk…” you trail off.

you hear him laugh, a nice, distant sound that floats down to your ears.

“have a good Dream, miss.”

“…i don’t know if the sun is trying to hide...”

you stir awake, shifting around as awareness takes its time.

“...but you shine in its place.”

the soft, soothing sound of music gently washes over you, dancing in the air as a cool breeze kisses your skin. something is digging into your back; it’s a little uncomfortable and feels a lot like wood. you push yourself up slowly to sit, groaning quietly.

“woah! you’re awake!”

the music stops. you hear footsteps pad towards you—oh, that’s definitely wood—and feel the ground beneath you sway a little.

“are you okay?” a gentle voice asks. “sorry that i don’t have a bed.”

“it’s fine,” you mumble, rubbing your eyes. “i’m just... sore.”

“yeah, that’s the boat’s fault.”

your eyes shoot open. you sit up, missing the way whoever-it-is yelps and scurries back, and your jaw drops when you see where you are.

you’re on a boat. not a speedboat, not a yacht, not a cruise ship— just a little, wooden, yellow boat, in the middle of nowhere, with miles and miles of the sea stretching out into the distance. you gasp when you realise the ocean isn’t black like in all the pictures you’ve seen; it’s a deep navy blue instead, with hues of green and yellow as it shimmers faintly in the sun.

then you look up, and your breath gets knocked right out of your chest when you see the sky, a wide expanse of a beautiful shade of blue that compliments the sea. the sun sits proudly on the horizon, burning bright above your head, and you’re so lost in awe and amazement that it takes a hand waving in front of your face to snap you out of it.

“—miss! stop looking at the sun like that, you’ll set your eyes on fire, i’m too young to see that happen—”

“i—i know, i know,” you stammer, turning to him. “i was just— oh?”

you’re taken aback, because the boy who’s crouching beside you has a shock of white hair, a sharp contrast to eunwoo’s black and even jinjin’s sandy brown strands. he’s dressed in a bright yellow shirt and plain shorts, and kind of has a baby face and pink, pouting lips.

your first instinct is to pinch his cheek, but you hold yourself back. “wow.”

“wow what?”

“your hair.”

he scrunches his face to look up at his hair, like as if that would work. what an idiot, you think. he’s adorable. “what’s wrong with my hair?”

“it’s— white?”

“what’s wrong with white hair?”

“nothing, i’m just— i wasn’t ready for that.”

he huffs a little. “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“well, jinjin has brown hair, and eunwoo’s is black, and mine is black, but yours is just— really bright.”

“my hair is better than yours!”

you can’t help but laugh a little incredulously. “i didn’t say it was bad! i’m just surprised. it suits you.”

the kid makes a 180 degree switch, fluttering his eyes and poking his own cheek. “makes me look youthful and cute, doesn’t it?”

“i— yeah, a little."

“nice! someone gets it—”

“gives me the bratty baby brother vibes.”

“hey—”

you snicker, ignoring his protests. then he jostles the boat by abruptly moving to sit on the boards in a huff and almost gives you a heart attack when you teeter to the left.

“woah— hey, uh, you, uh, um— uh—”

“my name is sanha,” he says, looking at you curiously. “what’s yours?” 

“i’m— woah! sanha, sanha why— why are we on a boat?”

he perks up immediately, face brightening as he smiles proudly. “cause we’re in my Dream.”

“yeah, but why are you in a boat?”

“why not?”

“why n—? we’re in the middle of nowhere.”

“nah. nowhere is always somewhere.” 

you blink, staring down at sanha as he looks up at his yellow sail happily. “besides, i’ve always wanted to be captain of a ship, so now i am! i’ve got my boat, i’m on the sea— i’m living, miss.”

then he makes himself comfy against the mast and pulls a yellow guitar out of nowhere, and closes his eyes as he starts strumming aimlessly.

and you’re struck speechless suddenly, because it strikes you that this boy, this baby-faced boy who can’t be any older than you are, is sitting against the mast of his boat, playing his guitar like he’s not stuck in the middle of the ocean. he strums away without a care in the world, humming gently to himself.

sanha squints up at you with one eye and smiles. “any song requests?”

“i—? no?”

“well, okay,” he shrugs. “i’ll play something for you, then.”

“wait, wait,” you say, pausing when he does, hand hovering over his strings. “i wanna... ask, about stuff.”

sanha tilts his head. “okay?”

“well— i was having some sort of weird existential crisis earlier, and jinjin said you’d be able to help me figure things out, so—”

“jinjin said that?”

“yeah.”

“wow,” sanha hums, looking pleased and surprised about it. “hmm.”

you laugh a little at that, but continue. “so i just... wanted to know...”

you trail off. you wonder why you’re trailing off. sanha looks at you with a tiny, knowing glint in his eye, but doesn’t say anything about it. “yes, miss?”

“are you— are you real?” you blurt out.

he pffts, spluttering behind a hand and bowing his head in apology when you blush. “sorry! didn’t mean to laugh. i just— i don’t think that’s what you should be asking first.”

“then what should i be asking?”

“i dunno, you tell me,” he grins, strumming his guitar again. “what’s the first thing on your mind?”

“the store,” you blurt out again.

“okay. what about it?”

“i don’t know why i found the store.”

“what’s wrong with finding the store?”

“well, jinjin said only people who need it will find it,” you murmur, picking at your grey shirt. “and i don’t have any ‘problems’, so i don’t know why i’m here.”

“do you like it here, though?”

“...here?”

“yeah! here, when you met eunwoo, and the store, where you met jinjin. or just here, in my little boat with me.”

he gives you a smile. somehow, your shoulders feel a little lighter. “d’you like it here?”

“i... yeah, i guess,” you muse, looking around you at the sea, the sky and the sun. “this place— this whole place in general, inside and outside of the Dreams, it’s nice. i like it here.”

“then you might as well enjoy your time here, miss! i think you shouldn’t stress too much about it.” he plucks some strings gingerly. “i’m sure it will come to you eventually. in the meantime, listen to this!”

you laugh a little, out of awe and disbelief more than anything else, at not only how fast his brain switched gears but also how simple he had made that sound.

and… he’s right, you think, watching as his fingers move deftly over the frets. he’s right; there isn’t any point stressing over why you were here when you already are. for a good moment, you sit there feeling guilt nibble away at your heart because of the way you had all but attacked jinjin back at the store. he didn’t deserve any of that. god, why are you so… dumb?

“hey, miss!” sanha shouts suddenly, jolting you out of your thoughts. “stop thinking so much already! the chorus is coming up!”

you snort. “chorus? you haven’t sang anyth—“

“yohohoho, yohohoho! yohohoho, yohohoho!”

you pause for a second before laughing again, once more in awe and surprise more than anything, and sanha laughs around his words as he keeps plucking the strings.

“binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo, umikazi kimakase namimakase!

“shio no mukou de, yuuhi mo sawagu, sora nya wa wo kaku, tori no uta…”

you clap along as he sings, a smile pulling at both your faces as the boat fills with the sound of music and laughter. the pale yellow sail seems to dance in the breeze as the song fills the air, waves licking at the sides of the boat as if wanting to join in on the fun. you squeal a little when he gets up suddenly, uncaring of how the boards sway unsteadily beneath his feet, laughing again mid-song when you tilt sideways and almost fall overboard.

“sing, miss!” he shouts, strumming his guitar for the ocean to hear. “yohohoho, yohohoho!”

and you find yourself joining in, feeling silly and embarrassed as you shout out the words with him. his happiness is contagious, even if you have no idea what he’s singing—you watch in amazement as he throws his head back to yell the lyrics without a care in the world. you wonder, briefly, if you could ever be as worry-free and happy as him.

you wonder if your world back home would allow you to be.

a couple of random song snippets and more almost-falling-into-the-ocean later—“if i drown, would i die here? in this Dream?” “i dunno, but let’s not find out…”—you have a hand cradling your chin as sanha hums softly to a calming tune on his guitar. for a moment, youre struck by how young he looks suddenly, looking small and vulnerable as he leans against the mast and pouting when he presses down on the wrong strings.

your eyes dart up briefly to look around yourselves, but all that greets you is the vast, wide ocean.

“hey… sanha?”

“hmm?”

“doesn’t it get lonely?”

“lonely?”

“yeah, i mean…” you pick at your fingers. “you’re all by yourself here.”

he hums. “sometimes the others come to visit, and i get to go see them too, so nah, not really.” you watch as he changes chords smoothly. “it does get quiet, though.”

“quiet?”

“yeah, when it’s just me. don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have this guitar! i’d go crazy,” he laughs.

he laughs, but something doesn’t really… “guess you really love music, huh?”

“mm. it’s fun and makes me feel better!”

“feel better about… what?”

sanha shrugs. you realise you haven’t made eye contact with him for a while now. “just stuff, i guess,” he says, reaching up to tap his head with a finger. “it gets really loud and messy in here, so music helps to clear my brain.”

“you… must think about a lot of things, then,” you say softly.

“maybe? i dunno. it’s mostly the same thing, though.”

“what is it?”

“me.”

you blink, leaning back ever so slightly in surprise. sanha continues to pluck his strings.

“a lot of people tell me to stop being so hard on myself. apparently, what goes on in my head aren’t very nice things,” he hums. “they say, ‘y’know, sanha, you should try to look at your good traits!’ and i say, ‘what good traits? i’m just loud!’ and then they’d say, ‘no, you have a lot of them,’ and then i say again, ‘no, there’s none.’

“i used to get angry a lot after that, but jinjin and the others told me to take it easy and take my time to look for those ‘good things’, whatever they are,” sanha says, then laughs. “and now i’ve found at least two things that aren’t just good, but amazing!”

you smile a little, ignoring how your heart has been groaning. “what’s that?”

“i can sing, and i’m super cute,” he says proudly, grinning cheekily at you. “don’t you think so too?”

you laugh, heart feeling a little warmer when he laughs with you. “yes sanha,” you say, and ruffle up his hair. “i think those are really great things about you.”

he smiles happily, looking oddly relieved. he’s about to turn back to his guitar when your fingers twitch and you blurt out, “i’m sure you’ll find many more good things, too.”

sanha looks up at you, smile widening a little more, and your chest feels lighter at the way he looks genuinely content.

“i’m sure i will, too,” he says softly.

you lean back, satisfied. “so! what’s your Dream supposed to—”

you jolt suddenly, gasping when a wave of vertigo crashes over you, and you tilt sideways to grip tightly to the edge of the bench. your vision blurs out a little as the boat seems to sway side to side, making your heart lurch a little in fear of tipping over.

sanha’s there to hold you steady, gently holding your shoulders. “miss, it’s okay, everything is okay—”

“this—” you groan, squeezing your eyes shut as numbness creeps into your mind. “this happened— with eunwoo, too—d”

“mm,” sanha murmurs. “don’t worry, miss. you’re just waking up, now.”

“i really— don’t want to…”

you hear him laugh as your eyes flutter shut, lethargy quickly pulling you under. his bright yellow shirt and lovely white hair is the last thing you see before you lose the fight to stay awake, weakly clutching onto his arms.

“sanha…”

“see you around, miss,” his voice echoes in your head, “and have a good life!”

yellow: hopeful, happy, delight, joyful yellow is the colour of optimism and enthusiasm for life. it is a colour of the mind and intellect, of clarity of thought and ideas.  however, yellow may be anxiety-producing and also cause people to be more mentally analytical and self critical of both themselves and others.

[transgenderer]

~1 yr anniversary of my parents divorce got me thinking about their relationship again. my dad claims the only reason for the divorce is they hadnt had sex in 7 years (my mom vaguely denies this? idk how this could be something they disagree on. gross to think abt) (my dad contacted my moms parents to tell them this. which is crazy). my mom didnt want to get divorced. which is like. it just makes me so sad. because their relationship was not good. they dont seem to enjoy each others company? they never had interesting conversations. at family dinner my mom was weirdly silent, even when i actively tried to include her. they dont seem to have shared interests. my mom is catholic and my dad is like, intensely religion-is-stupid atheist. my dad would want to watch shows with her and then shed spend the whole time working on her ipad. my mom thought things were going better than they had in years before my dad said he wanted a divorce. it just. its such a fkin bummer!

[miraculousladyblogsthings]

JUST SAW THE EPHEMERAL TRAILER AND GUYS IM SCREAMING AND SOBBING IRL

I saw the trailer like seven times to confirm it was legit also saw it in 0.25x speed and what my brain translated for me- i- VHJCSGFYFDXCHGFCELNMNBCVHEWH

It definitely is as huge as i thought it would be when i posted in the afternoon today (rn its like 1am here so..)

LETS JUST START DISCUSSIN

The trailer starts with Adrien and his dad going out somewhere BUT WAIT A DAMN MINUTE……GABRIEL NEVER GOES OUT-but he never comes out of the car so..( Adrien looks sad ugh i- cant- )

I am thinking that the Gabriel agreste brand has completed 100 something (the banners bruh) and Adrien is attending a press meeting..? Looks like that

Then we see Ladybug talking to Su Han and according to the synopsis he wants to know the true identity of cat noir…

AND THEN THE MOST IMPORTANT PART AND YES IM DOING IT IN ALL CAPS>>> WE SEE ADRIEN NEAR THE SKETCHY POSTER OF EMILIE AND i dont know IF HE SAW GABRIEL DO IT OR BY ACCIDENT, ADRIEN GETS INTO THE SECRET LIFT< INSIDE HAWKIE DADDYS LAIR, ALSO SEES EMILY!!!!! ADRIEN SEES HIS MOM!!! I REPEAT ADRIEN SEES HIS MOM IN HIS OWN BASEMENT!!!! DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR ENOUGH?? I WASN’T PREPARED FOR THIS…PROBABLY SEES THE UNNATURAL AMOUNTS OF BUTTERFLIES. I TOLD YALL IT WAS GAME CHANGING GOSHHHHHH

Then we see a ladynoir scene where Cat Noir is holding an umbrella out to his lady and I DONT KNOW IF ITS DÉJÀ VU OR ANYTHING ELSE BUT LADYBUG SEES ADRIEN IN CAT NOIR OR SOMETHING LIKE THATR GAHH JUST SEE FOR YOURSELF!!!!

then we see the “multiple heroes fighting” when all they needed was cataclysm- according to the synopsis. Also this is the first time we’re seeing luka after Wishmaker so HUGE. And apparently one of Ladybugs lucky charms (I’ll get to the multiple part later) is a FIRE BRIGADE from the looks of it.

Okay lets continue- then we see ladybug and cat noir emerge from the sewers because what could be more iconic? And BAM THERE ARE MULTIPLE VILLIANS OUT THERE (the Gamer, Gorizilla, someone else) Then Cat Noir and Ladybug transform to Astrocat and Cosmo Bug (this is insanely huge) and it looks like they’re escaping something and then a huge red light emerges

AND THEN WE SEE POST ”MIRACULOUS LADYBUG” version of ladybug, WHO WILL PROBABLY DETRANSFORM ANY MINUTE? ITS DEFINATELY AT THE CINEMAS!! THEN OMG WE SEE LADYBUG DETRANSFORM AT THE CINEMAS IN FRONT OF SOMEONE. WHO IS THAT SOMEONE. IS IT ASTROCAT. IS IT SHADOW MOTH. WHO THE HELL IS IT. LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE TWO PEOPLE NOT JUST ONE.

That’s it. That’s all they give to us. Until 7th of November which is the French release date of Ephemeral. I am excited and mad at the same fkin time. Watch this slowed and edited teaser and get anxious with me ;-;

Istg if they forget all of this slash bunnyx shows up then I’m gonna hunt down Thomas astruc ;-;

[severelybiased]

that's true, plus i don't think she's aware yijin asked for a copy since he did the request last. so there's no reason for him to 'give it back' its his. i'm just making every possible reason for it not to work so the writers can't break my heart if i'm already expecting it. thing is, nothing they do could convince me they couldn't make it work... literally nothing. that's why if they're not endgame, then the conclusion to the story is meh, but everything before was great. i'll be very heartbroken tho and it'll probably take me a long time before i rewatch it. but the show stands on its own well for a coming of age story, and thats why its great in itself. (but pls baekdo endgame)

I totally understand, I will 100% be disappointed as well if Heedo and Yijin are not together. I’ve been trying to make sense of why their relationship wouldn’t work out because all we’ve seen so far is evidence for why it would. I don’t know what would make them decide to give up on their love for each other but I guess we will find out. If that's the route the drama take.

I agree with you that this story has been really great, and what we have gotten so far already feels like a win to me. I just hope the ending delivers and meets our expectations, as in I want to feel all the feels, and just finish the last episode thinking wow this was a good fkin drama. In the end, I just hope whatever the writers have planned, they will give our beloved characters a suitable ending and it won't be overly sad.

[pettyprocrastination]

Panty & Bambi

Francisco “Catfish” Morales x Roller Derby!Reader

Summary: Helena Morales celebrates her 12th birthday at the roller rink, where she plays cupid for her kind father who’s attention has been captured by a confident skater that danced about the rink. 

Warnings: profanity, uhhh mention of alcohol?? Frankie being a fucking BOTTOM about buff thick women lmao. 

Word Count:2.9k

Perm Taglist: @honestlystop​

authors note:Wrote this because I’m sad about not being able to do derby this season and i’ve been watching lots of bouts to comfort myself in it lmao. Big inspiration to @qveenbvtch​ who wrote a fucking MAGICAL javi rollerskating fic called Ring My Bell!! It’s so fucking good read it here !!!!!! Big thank you to my boo @captainsamwlsn​ for reading this for me ILY Thais so fkin much <3

“For her next birthday could your daughter pick something that isn’t fucking murder on my knees?”

Frankie stared at his friend and god father to his now twelve year old daughter under the flashing fluorescent lights of the roller rink before taking a sip of the cheap beer in his hand. “Don’t whine Santi.” Frankie laughed.  “We both know you’d do anything for her.”

Which was true. 

Helena had only been a baby when the group went to Columbia to take down Lorea. They had always been a close-knit group of friends, but what happened on that trip, that shit-show of a mission, made them appreciate having each other even more. They visited Tom’s family when they were able to, the first few months after his death his ex-wife wouldn’t even let them on the front lawn. She took to screaming and cursing at them for his death, they didn’t tell her about the teenage boy that took her ex-husband’s life to avenge his brother. 

Tess did in fact get into Harvard. She sent Pope letters from time to time. She didn’t blame him or the others for her father’s death like her mother did. The boys couldn’t say the same for themselves. 

But the family they did have, the sweet chunky cheeked little infant girl Frankie was proud to call his daughter? Oh they all worshiped her. Little Helena had them all wrapped around her finger from the moment they set eyes on her. 

The men had been there for every tea party, fairy tale, and birthday. They watched her go from mashing cake into her mouth at one years old to laughing at a skate rink with her friends at twelve. 

Frankie had been there for everything and his boys were there to help him. 

He couldn’t say the same for Liana. 

“Twelve years brother.” Pope remarked. Frankie groaned and let his head fall forward. 

“You don’t have to tell me man. Where did it all go?” He looked out on the rink with a smile, watching his daughter skate with ease on the polished wood floors while Ben wobbled along next to her, looking more like a baby taking its first steps than a grown man. 

“It feels like just yesterday I was changing her diapers, now she’s in eighth grade.” Frankie sighed, released the vice like grip he had on the neck of his bottle. “Fuck man, I’m not ready for her to go to high school, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself.”

“You’ll do what you’ve always done for her, ‘Fish.” Frankie looked up to see Will standing at his side, setting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You’ll be there for her. Which is more than I can say about half of the dead beat dads out there now.”

“Dad!” She called out, her pigtails swaying as she turned to him, hands held out with a big grin. “Come on!”

Frankie ignored the pop of his knees as he stood up with a groan. 

“I’ll pray for your back hermano!” Santi called out with a barking laugh as his friend slowly stepped onto the rink with shaking legs

Frankie couldn’t give his little girl the world no matter how much he wanted to, he was just one man. But damn if he wouldn’t skate with her at her birthday party. 

Helena took his hand in hers as they skated, which he knew was more for his safety than hers. But he still felt his heart clench at seeing just how small his daughter’s hand was compared to his.

“How are you so bad at this!” She giggled upon seeing his knees buckle for the third time in two minutes. While Helena had taken to roller skates with ease, the same could not be said for her father, who clutched onto her hand like a lifeline. 

“Mija, the last time I was on wheels like this was before I broke my ankle skateboarding.” A woman skated by them, the wheels on her skated lighting up a bright pink each time they made contact with the floor. You turned, skating backwards for a moment with a carefree smile before turning forward again. 

Frankie’s knees buckled when Helena’s hip bumped against his.

“God-” His daughter snorted. “Maybe if you stopped staring at that lady and focused more on skating you wouldn’t be wobbling like an old man on a walker!”

His head snapped to his daughter like a whip, for a moment uncaring how he nearly lost his balance. “I am not-I wasn’t-did you just call me an old man?”

His daughter simply stared up at him with that smug little grin that he swore Santi taught her. 

“She’s pretty.” His daughter noted, he spared another glance up, feet sliding across the floor as he did. 

You skated around another couple, hips swaying to the song playing over the speaker and hands raised high over your head. You brought one foot in front of the other in a sashay along the rink, gliding over the floor with grace that Frankie couldn’t even try to get as he gripped his daughter’s hand for dear life while they skated along the inner rim of the rink. 

His daughter tugged at his hand, which had gotten arguably more sweaty when he realized that you would be passing them once more. “You should say hi.”

Frankie shook his head and offered his daughter a smile. “It’s your birthday ‘lena.” He reminded her. “You should be having fun with your friends instead of worrying about your old man’s dating life.”

Helena tilted her head in thought before smiling and letting go of her father’s hand. “Okay!”

“Wait-wait!” Frankie shot his hands out to balance himself, without the help of his daughter he felt even more off-kilter and out of his element. “Where are you going!?”

His daughter laughed before joining her friends that had skated ahead of them. “You told me to have fun with my friends! So I’m going to!” She looked behind him and smiled so wide he felt his heart drop. “Have fun dad! You got this!”

“Helena Maria Morales if you don’t-” Frankie’s threat was cut off when his legs wobbled against, one foot shooting out to steady him, except he was on fucking roller skates, which only caused his foot to slide out from beneath him and send him tumbling onto the hard floor beneath him. 

Had it not been for his skating savior that is. 

You shot forward, one hand gripping the collar of his shirt meanwhile the other grabbed the waistband of his trousers to steady him. On instinct his hands gripped your hips like you were a life preserver and he was a man lost at sea. 

“You alright there buddy?” Frankie simply stared at you, throat tight and mouth wide open as his bright wracked for a single thought, a single word to say to you. 

“Jesus Christ.” Santi groaned from the other side of the rink. He and the other boys sat watching in equal parts awe and dismay at their friend being caught like damsel and then absolutely flounder in front of you. “Say something you idiot!”

“Oh this is painful.” Ben snorted. “I don’t want to look away!”

“I’m uh, yeah I’m good.” Frankie realized as you pulled him upright how fucking strong you were, and it made his knees knock together for a whole different reason. His hands tensed and he realized he was still holding onto your hips. “Oh fuck, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine, really.” You held up a hand to silence him, his mouth snapped shut as if it were a trained command. “I know you aren’t some creep trying to cop a feel, I’ve been watching you skate for a while now.”

Frankie looked down at the floor. “Yeah well, the last time I was on wheels was when I was sixteen and tried to impress a girl at the mall by grinding on a rail with my skateboard.”

You slowly took his hand in yours and began to skate forward, slow smooth steps that he did his best to mimic. He was so focused on not falling he hadn’t realized that the pair of you were skating like a couple. “Did it work?”

“Fuck no!” He laughed. “I broke my ankle, lost a tooth, then she and her friends all laughed at me.”

You smiled at his story, noting the way the multi-colored lights bounced off his profile. “Well, I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t break an ankle or lose any teeth tonight, alright Bambi?”

Frankie’s feet wobbled again and tightened his grip on your hands, marveled for a moment at how soft they felt against his. “Bambi?”

“Yeah.” You offered him a slight shrug, he still wasn’t sure how you could skate around others with such ease while also maintaining a conversation, but was thankful for it either way. “You both have brown hair, both have shit balance-”

“Gee thanks.”

You giggled and flicked the tip of his cap. “Let me finish.” You scolded. “You both have shit balance, and you're both pretty fuckin’ cute.”

Frankie felt his heart race and his lips curl into a shy smile. He watched the colors that danced over your form like a kaleidoscope. “Well my actual name is Frankie-” The tip of his skate dipped forward, catching on the floor and sending him careening right into your arms. You kept your feet together at an angle to keep from falling, hands grabbing onto him as he barreled forward, arms thrown around you and nose pressed against yours. “-but I guess Bambi is pretty fitting too.”

“Well Bambi-” Frankie felt a tingle down his spine every time you called him that. A nickname so sweet and innocent had no business making him feel so hot under the collar. “How about we take a break from trying to keep you from falling flat on your ass and go sit down for a bit? If your daughter doesn’t mind that is.”

He looked over your shoulder, where Helena stood with two of her friends, smiling wide and flashing her dad two thumbs up. 

“I don’t think she'll mind.”

```

“A pilot?” You whistled, leaning back in his chair. “Damn, you’ve got me beat. I’m just a high school English teacher!”

Frankie shook his head, toe tapping on the linoleum floor of the little snack corner of the rink that pair of you were sitting at. “Now I wouldn’t say all that. I mean, spending your entire day dealing with teenagers who definitely don’t want to be there? You must have the patience of a saint.”

You bumped your knee against his. “We’ll now you’re just trying to flatter me.”

Frankie held one hand up and the other over his heart, as if he were taking an oath. “All truth here, coming from a former AP English kid.” You gasped and held one hand over your chest and pretended to swoon. 

“An honor student of my subject? Be still my beating heart!” Frankie snorted into his drink, which caused you to in turn laugh loud enough for the people in front of them to turn and glare. 

He had always hated dating. It felt so forced, so uncomfortable. The icebreakers were only met with bland replies of women who clearly weren’t interested in him, and only became less interested when they learned he was a father. That or they would praise him for being so “brave” to raise his daughter on his own. What, as if he was supposed to walk out on her just like her mother did? It turned him off to the whole situation. 

But this? Sitting in the tiny snack corner at a roller rink, sipping overpriced sodas and laughing loud enough to annoy people while staring at the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen? Oh it was better than any date at a four star restaurant he’s been on. 

“Trust me.” He told you. “You would’ve hated me as a student.”

“I could never!”

“Oh yes you could!” He laughed. “I fell asleep in class all the time, never answered questions and uh honestly?” He pulled his hat low over his face with a shy smile. “If I had you as a teacher? I’d never get anything done.”

His eyes flicked to the sleeve of your shirt, seeing your biceps strain against it as you leaned over for your drink. The shorts you wore hugged the thick muscle of your legs and he felt his throat tighten up at the thought. 

You smiled and pushed his cap up so you could see his brown doe eyes. “I’m gonna take that as a compliment, Bambi.”

 Santi watched the pair of you, nearly nose to nose when you leaned in close to toy with his hat. He smiled and bumped Will’s shoulder. “Look at ‘em go. ‘Fish still has it.”

“That’s our boy.”

They had all gotten the call when Liana left, she had simply packed her bags in the middle of the night and vanished. Leaving Francisco and their six month old baby alone. They knew how much it hurt him to see her leave, how much he blamed himself and wracked his brain for how to fix it, how many times he called her and pleaded for her to come home. If not for him, for their daughter. Their little baby girl who wouldn’t stop crying because she was hungry and mommy was gone. 

But to see him now, blushing like a school boy while talking with a woman who his daughter practically pushed him into, they all felt a swell of pride. 

If any of them deserved a happy ending, it was Catfish. 

“If he doesn’t ask her out-” Ben sighed. “I’ll kill him. Just fucking murder him.”

Sadly, just as Frankie was about to ask that dreaded question, if he could get your number or hell, if you’d like to get a drink sometime, a woman with bright pink hair poked her head over your table. 

“Hey panty!” She called out and Frankie damn near got whiplash at that nickname. “Can you give me a ride home? My car is busted and my boyfriend can’t pick me up.”

Your shoulders deflated at her response and Frankie couldn’t help but feel a little prideful that you felt dejected to leave his side. “Yeah no problem Jammie.”

“Thanks!” The girl chirped. “I’ll meet you outside!”

When she left, Frankie turned to you with a slow smile, his eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Panty?”

“Ughh I know!” You groaned into your hands. “It’s not some weird nickname or anything it’s just my derby name I swear!”

Frank leaned back, eyes wide in admiration. “You play roller derby?”

You grinned, shoulders back and confidence oozing off of you at the mention of your sport. You tucked your hands behind your head and Frankie took that moment to marvel at the muscle that strained against your shirt. “Damn right I do. Not to brag but I’ve been the MVP for the last three seasons.”

It was absolutely a brag and he loved it. 

“You know-” Your eyes flicked to his, shy and skittish. “-we have a bout, a game, this Saturday if you want to come. It’ll be here, at eight. You don’t have to-”

“I’ll be there.” He promised. The thought of you in those spandex shorts on skates, being positively brutal to other women on the track with that confident grin? Christ, he wouldn’t miss it for the world. “I’ve never watched roller derby before but, it’s recently piqued my interest.”

You smiled, raising your foot to knock it against his. “Well I hope it keeps you interested Frankie, because you’ve piqued mine too.”

Frankie felt a swell of pride in his chest at your shy smile and sweet words. He felt like a kid back in high school, trying his best to woo the girl in his biology class with passing notes in hopes of getting a date. 

Only this time he had more experience and a lot less acne. 

“Panty!” The woman shouted. “Lets gooo! I work the morning shift tomorrow!”

Your face fell. “Looks like that’s my que to head out. I’ll see you Friday though?”

“Fuck yes.” Frankie breathed out, before regaining his composure. “I mean uh yeah, yeah I’ll uh, see if I can make it.” You laughed and stood up from the table, turning on your heel at the final moment to press a quick kiss to his cheek. 

“I’ll see you then, Bambi.” You purred, before walking out of the door and past His daughter and three grown ass men, who stood in a circle nearby like a bunch of gossiping old women.

Frankie didn’t even have a moment to realize you kissed him before his daughter bounded over to him asking eighty questions within two seconds.

“What's her name? Is she cool? She seems cool! Are you guys dating now? Did you ask her out? Did you get her number?”

He brought this daughter in for a hug, bringing his hand down on the crown of her head in a playful nuzzle. 

“Alright speedy gonzales.” She laughed into his side and tried to wriggle out of his bear hug. “No more matchmaking, you hear me?”

“But it worked! Didn’t it?” His stern facade melted away at the excited grin on Helena’s face.He sighed, letting his chin fall onto the top of her head. 

“We’ll just have to wait and see mija.”

His daughter whooped in victory, throwing her hands high in the air in celebration. 

“That means it worked!”