#and just trying to not fucking hyperventilate the second James came down stairs and said ‘You’re brave…’

[jamesbuck-y-barnes]

Before you Go

A/N : so this is my first every story and i hope you guys like it. Its based off of the song “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi, if youve never listened to that song i recommend you do, it tugs at your heart. Well i hope you all enjoy!

Summery: After a rough mission, something goes wrong and the team can’t find a way to bring the ex assassin to terms.

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Warnings: death, sad!Bucky

Word Count: 1,901

Enjoy!

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The cool air hit my skin hard when the Quinjet doors opened, making goosebumps erupt all over my skin. A small shiver ran down my spine as a gust of wind blew past us all. I was an Avenger and today we were on a mission to get some intel from a HYDRA base stationed in Oymyakon, Russia.

Steve stood in the center, the rest of us huddling around him like penguins. I was positioned next to Bucky, his pinky finger intertwining with mine; a habit we do before heading out onto the field.

Once Steve had finished talking and giving everyone their partners, people started heading out of the jet. Bucky and I left last. Right before I stepped foot onto the frozen floor, a metal hand gently wrapped around my wrist tugging me back.

“Buck we gotta-” but he cut me off when his lips crashed onto mine. It was the most gentle kiss anyone could give and our lips moved perfectly in sync with one another.

“I just had to give my girl one last kiss before she became a badass.” I giggled and hit his bicep playfully. He placed his forehead on mine and just closed his eyes.

“I love you” he whispered.

“I love you more” I chuckled as I backed away and stuck my tongue out at him letting him know we were now going to be in a war of who loves who most.

Before I could comprehend his fingers danced along my sides, tickling me to no end. Our giggles were the only thing audible in the area until Steve ruined the moment by clearing his throat.

“Could you two love birds stop, we have a mission to do. When were done you guys can cuddle the fuck out of each other. Now lets go!” Steve’s stern voice only made me laugh more. I stood on my tiptoes kissing Bucky’s cheek and heading out of the Quinjet as Steve eyed both Bucky and I.

It was no secret that the rest of the team knew how much Bucky and I loved each other. They were able to sense the romance ever since the first time Bucky came to me in the middle of the night with one of his nightmares. We kicked it off from the minute I arrived, around six years ago. I never understood why the Winter Soldier would ever find a liking in me, but damn am I glad his heart did. We became instant best friends and one night, at one of Tony’s extravagant parties, i had one too many shots and ended up confessing all the love I have for Bucky right to his face. Let’s just say the night ended with both of us in his room. We have now been dating for four and a half years and i’d be damned if anything were to change our lives.

I was partnered with Steve and Sam for this mission and found myself sandwiched between them as we stood outside the stairwell doors. I was adjusting my comms when Steve nudged me with his elbow.

“Y/N, take the second floor, Sam and I will take the main and third. We just need to buy enough time for Natasha to download the information from the computers. From my calculations there should only be about ten guys on your floor.” I nodded and made my way up the stairs. Before I entered the floor, I closed my eyes and concentrated and next thing I knew, orange glow surrounded me. I was in my element, ready to use my powers for anything to come.

However the minute I opened the doors I should have known that Steve’s calculations would be wrong. There was about 27 guys. Truly, I believed I could take them.

Within five minutes, I had objects flying around the room, men pinned to the walls. I was on a roll. There was only about four guys left to take down and I was ready. I turned my head to the left, my y/h/c hair being thrown over my right shoulder. They didn’t even give me a chance to comprehend what was happening, but before I knew it metal chains wrapped around my wrists, bringing them behind my body, definitely dislocating one of my shoulders.

I yelped in pain as I heard people shouting my name through the comms.

“Y/N! Y/N hey are you okay!?” Bucky’s voice. The only one I could pinpoint through all the noise. I heard him arguing with Steve, asking where I was and how fast any of the other Avengers could get to me. The last thing I heard was Bucky telling me to hold on. One thing lead to another and I felt a sharp pain in my side, fuck.

I don’t know what happened or how long i was out but all of a sudden I found myself scurrying to a corner in the room, bringing my knees to my chest, making myself as small as possible as explosions and smoke surrounded me.

“Y/N! Doll, i’m coming baby I need you to hold on okay? Say something back let me know you’re there.” Bucky voice vibrated through my head, my fingers instantly going to my temples to try and sooth the pain.

“Buck- Bucky i-i’m here. Plea-se I can’t, the-the smell” I choked out in between coughs. Carbon Monoxide. I can smell it, they knew we were coming, they knew i was coming. I mean i’m not surprised, they were once testing on me when I first discovered my powers.

They knew I was coming. They wanted me dead.

I grabbed onto the wall, my hand sliding down it as I stood up. I wanted to make a B-line for the exit but within my first step I heard it. The click underneath my foot. Bombs. My head fell, my eyes landing on the bomb that would go off the minute I lifted a single muscle.

I heard heavy footsteps running by the door. My head shot up instantly, throwing my hand up making Bucky and Steve stop in their tracks. I motioned my eyes downwards, them following my every move. Bucky’s face softened, a simple sorry expression taking over.

When I look up, his grey-blue eyes met mine as a single tear threatened to escape the corner of my eye. I mouthed him an ‘I love you, James’. He shook his head but before he could stop me I sprinted forward, taking my foot with me as I felt the heat from the explosion go off. Something hit my head and everything went fuzzy. I saw two blurry figures running towards me before everything went black.  

The entire ride back, Bucky wouldn’t stop freaking out, almost to the point of hyperventilation. No one could get him to calm down. The minute everyones foot stepped out of the Quinjet they rushed you to the medical wing at the facility. Bruce was quick to tear your suit off, checking for any outside wounds before running scans and x-rays, checking your vitals. Bucky’s hand rested on your cheek the entire time, rubbing soothing circles with the pad of his thumb.

Bucky held back his tears, he knew he had to. He wanted to be strong for you, he wanted to have his same smile on his face for when you wake up.

The whole facade he set up came crashing down however once Bruce found the internal bleeding in your brain and the multiple broken bones and torn muscles.

“Bucky I-” Bruce started before Bucky cut him off.

“No. You will save her. You will bring her back. You have to. Shes, shes all I got. Please” Bucky’s voice got smaller with each word he said. Steve put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder bringing him out of the trance he held on your face. Everyone else was stood against the wall of the medical room. Tears spilling to the floor from Wanda’s eyes; Tony’s hands held in fists, his finger nails diving into his flesh; Natasha’s face was in her hands.  Everyone cared for you. You were the baby, besides from Peter, even though they knew the things you and Bucky would do behind closed doors, they couldn’t picture you grownup.

Everyone could hear the sob leave Bucky’s lips once the heart monitor went flat. His hands practically leaping to your chest trying to give you CPR, anything to bring you back. The tears were heavy now. If you were alive you would be drowning in them.  

Bucky couldn’t stop yelling your name as if it was a chant, that saying it over and over would bring you back, allowing him to hold you in his arms one more time, caress your hair, give kisses to your forehead and your sweet spot behind your ear.  

Steve’s arms wrapped around Bucky’s chest pulling him away from your body, almost in slow motion. Bruce pulled the blanket up over your body and covered your face. Bucky dropping to his knees. The small box dropping out of his pocket.

Sam strutted over, tears falling, picking up the box. His eyes went wide and looked at Bucky.

“I-I never got the chance. I-I c-c-couldn’t ask her. To let me give her my love forever-r”.

- Two weeks later -

Everyone was standing around the grave. Today was the funeral. One by one Tony, Steve, Wanda, Natasha, Sam, Thor, Peter, everyone went up to talk. Bucky was the last one, he walked up to her grave, his black suit fitting tight around his body.

“Y/N, you truly were my soul mate, my earth angel that the heavens sent down to me in my hardest times” Bucky sniffled, looking out as Steve gave him a sad smile nodding his head to let him know to keep going.

“Thank you for accepting me and my past self, for loving me unconditionally, even in our hardest times. I love that we couldn’t stay in a fight for longer than five minutes without either of us bursting out in to a fit of laughter. Im sorry I couldn’t get to you faster” Bucky’s heart rate picked up, making him swallow the lump in his throat.

“I never got the chance to ask you my most important question before you go, to be able to grow old with you, to be able to start a family with you and raise the 12 dogs you wished to own. Y/N, I will never love someone more then I love you. To my darling, my doll, my sugar, my sweetheart, MY baby, to my best friend, I can’t wait for our paths to cross again, i’ll see you soon. And I officially, love you more.” Bucky let out a loud sob as Steve and Natasha rushed to his side so he wouldn’t crumble.

Bucky walked up to your grave, bending down and placing the small box inside of the casket, putting his fingers to his lips and placing a kiss on them that he would put on your cheek right before the workers closed the casket and started putting dirt over it. Everyone walked away ready to find a way to grieve and continue on with their lives. The last memory Bucky would have with you was him burying you..

And placing the engagement ring he has been carry around for six months on your chest. This wasn’t a goodbye, just a see you later. 

[titsoutforkapanen]

Giving In. Ch 4

Big shoutout to @segsnbacoon for all the help she gives me and for being a fantastic friend ❤️

TIME SKIP

THREE WEEKS.

INSTAGRAM

Hazy_Bennn: Katie and I went swimming and she took this picture because “you look hot bitch” ❤️

I was smiling at the text I had gotten from Auston. When Jamie walked down the stairs. Auston Matthews had added me and Freddie Anderson into a group chat so if I decided to come to Toronto I would have some friends when I got there.

From Matts: Maybe you can take some shots on freddie when you get here

From Fredex same day delivery: pfft she wouldn’t be able to make any on this

To Matts and Fredex same day delivery: whateverrrr I used to make shots on my brothers all the time

“I’m going to the store do you need anything?” Jamie asked as he grabbed his keys and walked towards the door.

“No. I don’t think so but if I think of something I’ll let you know” I smiled looking back at the TV. I was just laying on the couch watching TV when I got a text from Tyler.

From Tyler : Wanna come over tonight? We can order take out and catch up on Grey’s Anatomy

To Tyler : Yeah. Jamie just left for the store and I think Katie wanted me to do her nails later so I’ll come over after that.

From Tyler : Okay see you soon, babe.

I got up and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. I opened the fridge and was trying to decide on what I wanted to drink. I was looking around the fridge when I saw some left over chicken alfredo. I put the pasta in the microwave and grabbed a bottle of water. I grabbed a fork and took the pasta out of the microwave and sat down at the island. I was sending an email back to the Leafs Ice Girls. I had been in contact with them since I hadn’t made a decision yet. They said they would give me all the time I needed to make the decision. I had just hit sent when Jamie walked in the door with the groceries.  

I finished my pasta and put my plate and fork in the sink as he was putting away the groceries. I was sitting on my phone when he set a box in front of me. “I got you a box of tampons, I didn’t know if you were out or not” he said smiling setting the bags in the closet.

“Awh, thanks you Jame” I said grabbing the box and walking over to him. I pulled him into a hug and headed upstairs to put the box in my bathroom. I set the box underneath my sink and walked back into my bedroom and started picking out the outfit I was going to wear over to Tylers. I was picking out the sweatpants I wanted to wear when it came to me. I hadn’t had my period in over a month. I started to freak out and I felt my heartbeat start to quicken. I wasn’t sure what to do and I felt the tears start to build up in my eyes. I sat down on my bed trying not to pass out. I was hyperventilating and I knew I needed to calm myself down.

I was staring down at the floor when Katie walked into my room. “Hey, hun are you ready to paint my nails?” she asked as she walked into my room. She over to my bed where she saw me and quickly closed my door. “Hazy, what’s going on?”

“I…. thi… think I might be pregnant” I stutterd trying to breath. She looked at me with wide eyes before taking a big breath.

“Well have you taken a test?” she asked slowly rubbing my back.

“No… but I’m supposed to go to Tyler’s tonight so I think I’ll get one and take it there.” I said as my breathing started to slow down.

“Okay, so why don’t you leave now and go get a test and head over there. But give yourself enough time to tell him so he doesn’t freak out. I won’t tell Jamie unless you want me to” she said as she stood up and handed me a jacket. I slipped the jacket on and grabbed my keys and wallet. We started heading down stairs and I yelled a goodbye to Jamie and walked out to my jeep.

I had stopped and picked up some take out from Tyler and I’s favorite chinese place and a test but threw the test in my jacket pocket. I drove up to the gate and waited for Tyler to let me in. I pulled in and he was already outside with the dogs waiting for me. I smiled to myself forgetting the problem at hand for a second as I grabbed the food and got out of the Jeep. I walked over to Tyler as he pulled me in for a kiss. I smiled into the kiss as I felt a pair of paws on my feet. I looked down to see Gerry pawing at me feet asking me for some kisses. I handed Tyler the food as I bent down to kiss his head. I stood back up and Tyler kissed me again and we headed inside.

It had been about an hour and a half and Tyler was almost asleep when our phones started blowing up. I looked over at my phone and Tyler stirred awake and grabbed his own phone. “Jesus Christ” I mumbled looking at the photos that had been sent to me. Someone had followed me and stood outside of Tyler’s gate and took photos of us kissing and must have sent them out because it was all over. I heard Tyler grumble something under his breath. “What?” I asked looking over at him.

“I said you should have paid more attention and noticed that someone was following you” he said sitting up straighter in his spot.

“What do you even mean?” I asked looking over at him.

“You should have paid more attention and saw that someone was following you. Now the whole internet knows that we’re hooking up” he said rolling his eyes.

“Who cares that we’re together, Tyler I’m almost 20”

“But we’re not together, Hazy” I felt my heart drop a little at his comment.

“Well maybe we should be” I said quietly. I knew it wasn’t a good time but it was now or never.

“No Hazy. I can’t be tied down to a 19 year old” he said standing up. I stood up facing him.

“I can’t believe you would say that. You were the one that wanted to start this relationship or whatever the fuck you want to call this. You wanted to hook up and now I might be pregnant” I shouted

“You might be what?” he yelled. I could see the anger on his face. “You said you were on birth control!”

“Nothing is 100 percent Tyler! And you were the one that didn’t want to use condoms!” I yelled back feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

“Don’t even start crying because you think it’s going to make me feel bad.”

“I’m not crying because I want you to feel bad you jack ass. I’m crying because I would think you would be supportive because I might be carrying your child, Tyler!” I yelled. He rolled his eyes and went to walk past me. He shoved past me knocking me on to the couch. “Fuck you, Tyler!” I yelled as I grabbed my keys and walked out.

I had made it back home and was in my room crying while I was packing a suitcase. Jamie walked into my room and sat on my bed as I opened a second suitcase. “I’ll either come back and get my stuff or have someone come pack it and ship it there.” I muttered wiping my tears away.

“Talk to me Hazy, you can’t just run away to another country”

“I was born in that country, Jamie I’m just going to a different city”

“What happened between you and Tyler? You came home sobbing and now your packing your things”

“We are done” I said zipping up one of the suitcase. I threw some of my shirts into the second suitcase and grabbed my phone.

To Matts and Fredex same day delivery: I’m on the next flight to the 6. I’m supposed to get there around 9 am. Can one of you pick me up?

From Matts: Yeah we have the day off so I can.

From Fredex same day delivery: I’m coming with.

To Matts and Fredex same day delivery: okay see y’all soon.

I put some more of my clothes into the suitcase and made sure I had my passport and wallet. I threw them into my purse and zipped the last suitcase. I pulled the suitcases off of my bed and onto the floor and I could feel Jamie’s eyes burning a hole in my head. I walked over to Jamie and pulled him into a hug. When he wrapped his arms around my shoulders I felt all of my emotions come to the top and I started crying again.

“I’m so sorry Jame” I cried into his chest.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, H” he said using my nickname.

“I love you”

“I love you too” he said as I felt my phone vibrate signaling that my uber was here. I pulled out of the hug as Jamie kissed my forehead. He grabbed my suitcases and carried them down the stairs and out to the uber for me. I pulled him in for one more hug before I slipped into the car and we were on the way to the airport.

The flight attendant woke me up since we had landed and I grabbed my carry on and exited the plane. I went over to the luggage carousel and grabbed my bags as I felt a pair of hands wrap around my waist and spin me around. I was set down and I turned around and was faced by two tall hockey players.

“There’s our favorite Ice Girl” Freddie said pulling me in for a hug. Auston smiled pulling me in for a hug.

“We’re so excited for you to be here” he said in my ear as he hugged me.

“I’m excited too”

INSTAGRAM

Tagged: auston_matthews & frederikanderson31

Hazy_Bennn: I have the best, best friends. Thank you for making my day better 💙 (p.s Freddie was trying to adjust my hair so it could “catch the light”)

[1randomfatdude]

Dancing in the Dungeons

My first attempt to put something snape-worthy out for a week of celebration. Here is my contribution. If you love it and want to see more, let me know!

@snapeloveposts

Lily Evans was walking down to the Dungeons to meet up with her friend Severus Snape. As she turned to walk down the stairs to said dungeons she collided with said friend, who looked to be running for his life. 

She fell to the ground with a thump and looked over to Severus as he shot up like a lightning bolt, looking like a frazzled bird washed out from a hurricane.

“Severus? What happened?” Lily asked her friend. 

He looked down at Lily, took her hand and picked her up. “Run!”

“What?” Lily looked rather befuddled. 

“RUN!” He pulled Lily into a running start. She was confused as to what they were running from, but nevertheless abided by Severus’ demands and ran alongside him. They ran all the way up the Grand Staircase, up to the fourth floor where they both stopped to catch their breath.

“Sev,” Lily panted. “What happened? What were we running from? Malfoy? Mulciber?”

Severus caught his breath, shook his head,  and looked Lily. “I..I don’t…I…my father.” 

Lily turned her head in confusion. “Your father? But he’s a muggle! Why would he…”

“I know Lily!” Severus exclaimed, “I know! But…it was him…and at the same time it wasn’t…” He leaned up against the railing and slid down it. He curled up against his slender legs. Severus teared up a bit. 

Lily went over and knelt in front of him. “I think you should start from the beginning Sev.”

Severus took a few deep breaths and started recanting his tale.

It was after lunch and Severus went down to the dungeons to get his books for the second half of the school day. He reached his and Lily’s usual meeting place but found that Lily wasn’t there yet, so he decided to sit down, crack open his Potions textbook, and began reading ahead a few chapters about the ‘Draught of Living Death.’

Suddenly he heard a bucket being overturned down the hallway. Severus looked to where the noise came from. Instinctively, he pulled out his wand out. “Hello?”

Severus had a feeling it was Potter, and his cronies up to no good as usual. “Potter! I know you’re there! Come out now! Show yourself!” He demanded of his rival.

Silence filled the hall as not James Potter rounded the corner, but a single solitary red balloon. It floated from the hallway over to the adjoining wall where it stopped. It popped when a whiskey bottle hit the balloon and adjacent wall, shattering into a thousand or so pieces. 

Severus smelt the whiskey from he was standing and remembered the distinct, pungent smell. It was the same kind of whiskey that his father drank.

“You little Gobshite!” A loud voice roared from down the hallway corner. 

Severus dropped his potions book in fear. It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be! He stood there as a figure emerged from the corner. He was tall, broad-shouldered, had a stocky build, and was always in a constant state of inebriated anger. It was Tobias Snape. 

He locked eyes with Severus as he turned the corner. “How dare you fuckin’ yell at me!? You fuckin’ bastard!” He took a swig from another whiskey bottle he had from his hand. “I should have made your whore mother abort you! You’re nothing more than a pathetic freak, outside his element!”

Severus was in a panicked state. “You…you can’t be here.”

Tobias looked at his son. “I am.” He wiped his spittle from his mouth and approached Severus. 

Severus raised his wand at ‘Tobias’ and thought aloud. “You’re not real! You-You’re just a boggart! You’re not real! Riddikulus!” He cast the boggart-banishing charm.

The figure before Severus seemed to shudder as the visage of his father flickered to and fro, before settling back as Tobias. 

“YOU LITTLE FUCK!” He threw the other bottle at Severus, which winged him on the right side of his head. 

He fell down to the hard, damp floor. Severus turned around and shuffled away from the thing before him. ‘Tobias’ fuddled around with his belt trying to take it off. “GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!”

Severus managed to raise his wand before ‘Tobias’ took off his belt. He brandished his wand and yelled aloud, “Sectumsempra!”

The imposter flew back to the back dungeon wall and hit it with a resounding thud. Severus was hyperventilating at this point. His teeth gritting together as he slowly got up, his wand still fixed at that thing.

To his surprise, that thing parading around as Tobias got back to its feet, however with one less arm. It looked over at Severus and let out a guttural, near other-worldly roar. Severus took off running down into the dungeons, running away from that creature, whatever it was.

For what seemed like an eternity Severus ran to the Potions Classroom and locked himself in there. He went around looking for Slughorn, but alas the unreliable Head of Slytherin wasn’t there. 

‘BANG’

Severus turned around towards the door. 

‘BANG’

He immediately looked for a place to hide. 

‘BANG’ ‘BANG’ ‘BANG’

Severus hid away in the supply closet just before the door smashed open. He held his breath and tried to settle his shaking hands. 

“You’ll float.” The Tobias-Imposter spoke. “You all float in the end! Magic or not! You’re not special!”  His voice began to echo somewhat.

Severus saw the figure of his father clutching his lopped-off arm in his remaining hand walk in front of the closet door, stop, and then continue walking on. 

He remained still, wondering if this was just a nightmare. Wondering if this was all in his head. 

Suddenly he felt a pair of hands wrap around his neck. Severus turned to face a malevolent looking clown. “Boogity boo! Come with me, and you’ll float too!” Severus yelled in terror as the clown bared his unnatural looking teeth. “Your fear makes you taste all the better!” The clown’s mouth opened to show several rows of long, sharp, jagged teeth just waiting to chomp, bite, and crunch into Severus’ body. 

Severus was frozen with shock, and couldn’t think. He had to get away. He had to escape, he raised his wand. “Expelliarmus!”

The clown shot back into the jars of potion ingredients as Severus hightailed it out of the closet, and into the classroom. 

He heard laughter emanating from the closet and looked back. The clown laughed hysterically as he emerged. His mouth shrank down into an unsettling smile. He pointed at the sink. “Where does that lead?” 

Severus wasn’t thinking straight, and could not answer the monster. 

“It leads down ‘there’ silly boy! Where you’ll end up. Along with all the others! You’ll float down there! Everybody floats eventually, so why delay the inevitable!?”

Severus regained his senses and shot over to the door and tried to get it open. 

“Leaving so soon?” The clown asked almost tauntingly so. “Well don’t let me keep you. Come back anytime! Bring your friends, bring your enemies, bring your family, bring them all! Because there’s no escaping me! There’s no beating me! There’s only me!” He roared in his demented laughter once again as the door came unlocked, and Severus bolted out of the classroom, and away from danger. 

Severus finished telling what had happened to his best friend hoping she’d believe him.

“Sev,” Lily began. “I’m not doubting what you went through, but a clown?”

“Lily it happened, and that thing is real!” Severus affirmed. 

“Maybe it was Malfoy playing a dirty trick on you?”

He shook his head, “No…I…I didn’t tell him about my…my father.”

“Potter?”

“No, Lily! I…” Severus sighed in utter defeat. His nerves fried over his recent experience. 

Lily sighed, “Well, in any case, you look really shaken up. So, let’s head to Madam Pomfrey and have her give you a calming draft.”

Severus took a breath and nodded. He got up with Lily as the two of them headed towards the infirmary. 

“Hehehehe.” 

Lily turned her head around wondering where that laughter had come from, but only saw a clown holding a red balloon in front of the third-floor entry way. And saw that clown glare at Lily before walking away into the confines of the third-floor. 

[smileyjily]

A Series of (In)decent proposals

Chapter 8: The One with the Scare

Summary: Throughout the course of their lives, James would ask Lily to marry him many times. A 13-part series, consisting of 12 no’s and 1 very jubilant yes.

Set in The Bet universe, but works as a canon piece as well.

Word count: 1,984

ao3/ffnet

November 25, 1978

She wasn't going to cry.

She wasn't.

The glass of water shook as she brought it to her lips, and Lily errantly feared that an earthquake had struck, but it was only her quavering hands. Some of the water slopped out onto her chin, and she hastily returned the glass to the table.

While Lily drew deep into herself, James was a hurricane of nervous energy. He hadn't stopped pacing since she told him the news, wearing a visible stripe into the carpet with his heavy tread. At this rate, he was on pace to have pulled all of his beautiful hair out before dusk. She wanted to force him to sit down, to drag him by the ear into a chair, and demand he stop bothering her because if he continued she would lose her battle not to cry. Breaking her silence, however, was sure to come with its own agonies. Better to listen to the solid if ominous ticking of the clock.

"It's just not possible," James muttered under his breath.

Lily didn't deign to respond.

Louder this time, James said, "It's just...we were careful!"

The blatant lie brought all of Lily's stress and fear roaring to life and in a fit of pique she knocked the glass of water over entirely. Three weeks late. She was three weeks late, and they were pregnant, and it was not because they had been so careful and there was a war to fight and oh god, oh god, oh god!

"You've been getting lazy," Lily hissed. "Just last night you didn't cast the spell until you were already inside me, and it's hardly the first time! That's how this happened!"

Wartime bred passion in spades. Never knowing when they might be separated by work or tragedy, they were desperate for each other with a hunger that well exceeded the typical hormones of a young couple in love. Nearly every surface of their hideout had born witness to the times where Lily would tackle James with a kiss that led to more, or the times where James would drop to his knees for her. When Dumbledore had visited their hideout for an Order meeting, Lily had burnt red seeing him at the kitchen table: the scene of so many of her orgasms that she feared the wood would always hum with the secret of it.

Passion didn't exactly breed caution. They could become so wrapped up in each other that they wouldn't remember to cast a birth control spell until Lily was already clenching down tight around him, and then, neither were self-composed enough to cast a perfect spell. While Lily couldn't remember a time they'd foregone the spell entirely, they'd had some close calls, and the spell could have failed them on any number of occasions.

She wasn't going to cry.

She wasn't.

"You can't possibly get pregnant from thirty seconds of contact with a prick," James pleaded, like Lily was somehow the decision-maker in this scenario.

"Clearly, you can," Lily said.

James was seconds away from searching for his exits, like he might be able to outrun their problems. Not that he would. Lily knew that his sense of honor wouldn't allow it, and she supposed she ought to be thankful that she wasn't about to be cast aside in favor of some new, beautiful, decidedly un-pregnant witch. A terrible line of thinking, because all her old anxieties about the way to behave and conduct oneself came roaring back, and she was back on the precipice of tears.

Finally, James said, "Well...are you sure you're actually pregnant?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Three weeks, James. I'm as regular as the setting of the setting sun. I’ve never been three weeks late. I’m pregnant.”

“But you didn’t take the potion to check, right?”

The day before, when Lily had finally faced the grim reality and acknowledged that her period had stayed away far too long to be natural, she’d begun the potion that would confirm her pregnancy. Four hours she’d spent at her cauldron when more important work had called to her. Only at the very end did she realize she was missing the final and vital ingredient: neem oil. Peter was set to resupply their hideout the next day and would presumably restock their neem oil selection, but Lily hadn’t been able to suffer the wait. One look at her drawn face, and James had demanded an explanation. She’d given it.

“I told you. Marlene used up the last of the neem oil when she was brewing the electrolyte supplement for the blood replenishing potion. We’ll be able to tell for sure tomorrow.”

Now she was snapping at him, and Lily knew that she ought to reign in her temper because the last thing she could handle was a fight with James on top of everything else, but he wasn’t helping. And maybe nothing would help, but it didn’t stop her from being angry: angry at him and angry at his goddamn penis.

“We have some fucked up timing,” James said. He finally ended his pacing, dropping into the chair behind her. They both faced forward, not looking at each other.

“I hate your prick,” Lily said, mutinous.

“You love my prick.”

Lily made a noncommittal noise in response. Something broke down inside of her, and when James threw a companionable arm around her shoulders, Lily didn’t shrug him off. She leaned her head against the side of his.

“You know they’re not going to let you fight while you’re pregnant,” James said.

“The Order or you?” Lily questioned.

“Both.”

She’d known the answer all along and sighed.

“We’ll need to get married,” James added. Lily twitched slightly, so James continued, “I know it’s not how you wanted this to go, but it makes sense, and it’s not like you can argue that you don’t want to get married because it’s not the way things are done. We’re knocked up, Lily.”

“I don’t like it,” Lily muttered.

“You’ve made it very clear how disgusted you are by the idea of marrying me. Plus, I can’t imagine it’ll be easy being married to someone with a cock you despise, but it’s best for our girl, boy, whoever,” James said.

Lily’s lips quirked, but she patently refused to smile. He wouldn’t make her.

James stood up, and Lily clung to his hand in protest. For a moment, at his side, she’d felt almost normal. She wanted to kick herself for denying all of his proposals in the past. All those opportunities to be a legitimate wife with a romantic proposal, and she’d elected for the shotgun wedding approach. Petunia was going to have a field day. In fact,…

“Do you think I’ll show at Petunia’s wedding?” Lily asked, horrified.

“That would have to be a fast-growing kid,” James said. Petunia’s wedding was in three weeks and, against the odds, Lily had yet to be thrown from the bridal party. An unmarried pregnancy would guarantee her banishment from all wedding festivities.

“Or twins,” Lily said in a horror-struck whisper.

“Okay, let’s not panic. First thing’s first, we need to confirm that you’re pregnant for sure –” Lily quickly interjected that she was, and James continued, “Muggles have pregnancy tests also, right? So let’s go buy one. I don’t think I can wait for tomorrow. Once that’s done, we can write to my parents about our engagement and see about getting you access to the family healer.”

Sticking her head between her legs, Lily breathed deep for a few seconds. It always seemed to work in the movies, but, nope, panic still very much present.

“Do you still have that ring?” Lily asked. When James said yes, Lily demanded, “Go grab it.”

“What a romantic way to accept a proposal, Evans,” James said. “I don’t know what’s more charming: the hyperventilating or the head in your crotch.”

Lily slipped her watch off her wrist just so she could throw it at him. “I’m not hyperventilating, and I want you to get the ring so that the pharmacist doesn’t know we’re not married. I don’t need to deal with people judging us right now.”

“Pushy, pushy,” James griped before running up the stairs to fetch the ring he’d hidden away.

While he was upstairs, Lily repeated her mantra:

She wasn’t going to cry.

She wasn’t.

Before they left for the drug store, James took both her hands in his and said, “Lily, I’m petrified, so don’t think I’m viewing this as an opportunity. I’m not. It’s a terrible time to bring a child into the world. But…I really couldn’t love someone more than I love you, and I know this is going to work out.”

They apparated to a town in Gloucestershire, hand-in-hand. Before they entered the store, Lily ordered James to pretend that they were overjoyed at the prospect of pregnancy, and they both put on a show for the ten minutes it took them to locate the pregnancy tests and make it through the checkout line. The checkout clerk offered them a smiling congratulations, and James answered with all the right lines about how they’d been trying for months. Artificial as it was, he almost succeeded in convincing Lily that this was a blessing rather than an unmitigated disaster.

Unlike most women, Lily didn’t spend the time waiting for the test to finish filled with anxiety. She already knew in her bones that she was pregnant. Stick in hand, James paced the corridor outside the bathroom, shaking the test periodically like he could agitate the results into reality.

Finally, the stick changed colors and James sank to his knees on hardwood. From her seat on the toilet, Lily stared out at him. His face was hidden as he looked down. All that bluster, and he was every bit as terrified as she was.

Sympathetically, Lily said, “You said it yourself, James. We’re going to be okay.”

Queerly, James said, “You’re right. We are going to be okay –” He exploded to his feet with a whooping cheer that shocked Lily so much she almost slid off the toilet seat. “ – We’re going to be okay because we’re not pregnant! Ha!”

“What?” Lily screamed.

James was already rushing her, picking her up off the toilet and spinning her around. The bathroom was so cramped that she dinged her elbow on the sink and her knee on the towel rack, but she didn’t give it a thought, too focused on the impossible dream.

“Look! Negative!” James screamed, shoving the test directly in front of her so that it was nothing but a blur. Not trusting him – he could need a new prescription for his specs after all – Lily looked at the test. Sure enough, there was a red minus sign.

Joyously, jubilantly, Lily kissed James on the mouth. Short, firm kisses that blended together as they celebrated. All the while, James babbled his thanks against her lips.

“We don’t have to get married!” James cried.

“Whatever, you so want to marry me,” Lily teased, even as she rejoiced in turn.

“Sure, but not like that,” James grinned and then kissed her some more. “You know…I don’t think we’d be remiss to work on that birth control spell right now.” Just to be sure she got his meeting, James looked deliberately down between their bodies and then back up.

“Not a fucking chance,” Lily growled.

Lily craned away, still in his arms, as he began to kiss her neck. The horny insatiable bastard. She was saved by the sound of Sirius singing in the hallway, newly returned from his mission. Their friend would be exhausted, and they’d need to cook him some dinner and settle him down on the couch to give a full report. There was so much to do, and none of it involved planning for a baby.

She wasn’t going to cry.

She wasn’t.

[jo-the-schmo]

Breaking... Ch.8

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

A/N: This chapter ended up being super heavy so I’m sorry if it ends on a weird note ;-; I’m hitting the stage in the story were side characters become more important and that’s going to take some adjustment so I’m sorry about that in advance. Still, I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

Wordcount: 3382

Warnings: Blood, guns, cursing, anger, feelings in general, pyromania

Tags!!: @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit @renae-writes @literally-melonkitty @deltablue202 @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips If anyone else would like to be tagged please feel free to send me an ask! :3

Breaking Hearts

The charge against me is a connection with one James Reynolds, for purposes of improper speculation. My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife, for a considerable time with his knowing consent. All my crimes are with her, yet some have looked into my own house. Titania had no part in this, in fact I’ve considered myself as her father. The baseless accusations are nothing more than that, baseless accusations. Reynold’s however cornered me and so he extorted me for a sorted fee. I paid him quarterly, I may have ruined my prospects but as shown in Mr. Callander’s article my papers are orderly. Yes, I have reason for shame but I have not committed treason and sullied my good name. The shame I experience is great and I have no one to blame but myself. My sins are not gone without punishment; I do not believe that punishment is undeserved…

Alex, what have you done?! You were supposed to write the Reynold’s Pamphlet not this! The more you read the more terrified you became. You tried to check off everything that was different between this pamphlet and the old one from memory, this proved to be rather difficult. The letters are mentioned but they weren’t published, Eliza is mentioned very few times, the whole thing is just vaguer than it should be! You suddenly remember the words you said to Alex.

“Do not, under any circumstances, give them anymore access to those letters, it will not end well.”

“What?” Angie questioned but you didn’t listen. Eliza…Eliza!

“Has your mother seen this yet?” You asked frantically, Angie’s eyes grew and before you could react the papers were pulled out of your hands and Angie was running out of the room. God damn it Angelica! You got up and tried to chase after her but you felt heavy, your head shooting with pain. You stumbled through the halls, unable to catch up. Fuck! Your shoulder hit the wall, the hallways were twisting, you tried to blink the illusion away but to no avail. You ran into something or more accurately someone. You looked up to see Philip, his eyes filled with worry.

“Star? Y/N! Are you alright?”

“I need to-“ His appearance changed, his beautiful eyes blinked away to fear-filled ones. Tears running down his face, there was small droplets of blood trying to blend in with his freckles. You looked down and saw blood all over his shirt, all over his arms, his hand holding a pistol. A scream escaped your lips, you couldn’t even try to hold it in. You turned, not wanting to see what was in front of you, you looked back at the study, planning to run back to it. The door was closed but blood and smoke were rolling out from under it. Looking back at Philip you saw ashes flying past him, they were coming from Eliza’s room.

“I held my head up high…” Philip said through stiff lips. You heard Alex’s voice behind you but he was nowhere to be found.

“I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.” Then it was Eliza’s voice.

“I hope that you burn!” You couldn’t tell where it was coming from but you heard Angie scream.

“Let go of me! I’m Angelica Hamilton, you can’t so this! Where’s my brother? Philip! Philly, come back! Please!” Their voices stared to mix together.

“I’m sorry for forgetting what you taught me…”

“Is this where it gets me?”  

“I’m watching it burn!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”

“Shut up! Shut up damn it! Get out of my head! I did this! Please stop!” You screamed at the voices, you felt something wet on the side your face. You were frantic, your mind running a mile a minute. What do I do?! Make it stop! You clutched your head, the pain unbelievable. You shut your eyes as tight as possible, you were too worked up to notice the sound fading away. You felt something shaking your shoulders, you opened your eyes, everything was fuzzy. Looking up, your eyes adjusting, you saw Philip in front of you. You could see his mouth moving but couldn’t hear him. It took a moment for his voice to wash over you.

“-ar! My star! Wake up! Please! Are you hurt? What’s wrong?” You were hyperventilating and shaking like it was the end of the world.

“I…Phil…ip… S-sorry…” You tried to pull yourself together but your body was shaking uncontrollably. Philip wrapped his arms around you his grip around you gave you the impression that he was scared.

“Thank the Heavens! You’re back! Please don’t do that again! Or at least tell me what to do in case it happens again, ok? You didn’t look like you were here for a second, you just started screaming and crying and I wanted to help but I didn’t know what to do! I’m so sorry!” He rambled. You shook your head into his chest.

“N-no, d-don’t be sorry… Just let me stay like this for a moment…” You focused on Philip’s heartbeat, you already felt more relaxed.

“Of course, whatever you need…” He rested one hand on the back of your head and smoothed down your hair, you wanted to cry. You wanted to tell him what you saw, what you were scared of, why you felt so weak. I’m not weak… I can handle this. I can handle whatever THAT was. I can handle it… You took a deep breath and pulled away slightly, you looked up at Philip brought both of his hands your face. His palms felt warm against your cheeks, his thumbs rubbed the tears off your skin. Was I crying?

“What happened?” He asked simply. What do I say? Think Y/N think!

“The pamphlet…have you seen it?” You questioned, Philip nodded.

“I was the one who brought it in. I was in town and came back as soon as I read it. Angie took it from me and ran away.” She’s got a habit of doing that doesn’t she?

“Alexander!” You heard a voice yell, both you and Philip turned to where the sound came from. You saw Eliza, still in her nightgown and robe, stomping out of her room with Angie trailing close behind. She’s fuming! Eliza pushed past the both of you and busted into the study, you ran in behind her. She was already at Alexander’s desk, rifling through the drawers and grabbing stacks of paper. What is she doing? She looked up to see you and Philip staring at her confused expressions.

“Angelica, Philip, go get Rachel this instant!” I’ve never heard her yell at her kids before… They looked at each other and left the room hurriedly.

“Eliza, what’s going on?” You heard Alexander stir in his sleep.

“Grab a stack and pull that chair!” You had no time to think, you did what she said, picking up one stack and using your free hand to pull the chair by the door behind you. Eliza came rushing out of the room, her arms filled with paper. She shoved the stacks into your arms, took the chair from you, slammed the door shut and propped the chair under the doorknob.

“Eliza! What are you doing?” You asked frantically. Did she just lock Alex inside his study?! Rachel came running toward the both of you, completely out of breath. I’ve never someone run so fast in my entire life…

“Lady Eliza! What’s wrong! Has something happened?”

“Yes, something awful has happened. Gather as much firewood as you can carry and bring it to the front yard.” Firewood?! Rachel looked puzzled but she nodded and left nonetheless. “Follow me Y/N.” Eliza grabbed her stacks from you and walked away. Sorry Alex… You followed Eliza into the main room and out the front door. Rachel appeared from the side of the house as you both descended the stairs. Rachel dropped her armful of logs onto the dirt path. “Rachel, please use the wood to start a fire. Where you have them right now is alright.” Rachel ran back into the house.

“Eliza, what are we doing?” You asked once more.

“The world has no right to my heart and certainly not a place in my bed. They do not deserve to know what I said! I’ll burn it all! I’ll burn what pulled him away from me! These pages, these writings, if I do not deserve his time then he does not deserve what he worked for!” Eliza was in tears but they were filled with anger instead of sadness. Rachel ran out of the house and swiftly began to prepare the fire, it wasn’t long before flames began to rise. Eliza quickly started throwing papers into the fire, making it grow as it ate the fuel. “The memories, the letters, anything that might redeem you! I’m burning it all!” You set your stacks on the ground and backed away. It had to be done…

“Mama! What are you doing? Are you crazy?” Philip was rushing down the stairs but Rachel stepped in front of him before he could get to Eliza.

“Please Philip, I must ask you to not try and prevent your mother from doing this.” Philip looked over at you, his eyes felt heavy.

“Star, please, you can’t let her do this!” Alex worked his whole life into these pages but it has to happen. I wish I could tell him that I know it will help and give some reassurance. You looked away.

“Philly… I can’t do that…”

“Why not?” He made turned and walked towards you.

“Look, I know this seems bad bu-“

“Looks bad? It is bad!” He stood in front of you.

“I know, I know. Just trust me on this ok? I think this will go along a lot better than you think.”

“What makes you so sure?” He asked.

“Call it… intuition. I have a pretty good sense for these things.” I mean, I’m not really lying when I say that! He sighed, shaking his head. A look of realization swept over him.

“Where’s father?” Shit.

“Um, uh, in the study?” This isn’t going to be good… Philip turned on his heel and ran back inside, Eliza picked up the pace with throwing the writings into the growing pyre. It wasn’t long before you saw Alex running out the door towards the fire and Philip trailing close behind. When Alex saw what Eliza was holding in her hands he became stiff. A mixture of perplexity and shock in his eyes.

“Betsy…what are you doing?” His voice was soft. Eliza threw the last stack into fire and stomped toward Alex.

“I’m watching it burn! The thing that you chose over my love and your family! That harlot’s letters? Gone! Your work? Gone! I am sick and tired of being your last concern! These ashes are your legacy now!” Alex looked like he was about to say something but Eliza cut him off before he could. “I hope that you burn!” She ran away into the house, Rachel following close behind her. Alex fell to his knees, his stare blank.

“Pops? Pops! Can you hear me?” Philip called out and dropped down at his side.

“Philip, go to your mother. She needs her son’s support right now. I can handle Alex.” I don’t like sounding this bossy but there isn’t really another option right now!

“But…”

“I’ve got this Philly, please just go and check on Eliza.” He heaved a frustrated sigh and darted back inside. You pulled Alex up and away from the fire and sat him down on the steps.

“First it was my mother…my cousin…then it was my best friend… now my life’s work and my one true love…gone.” He was practically speechless. He’s never lost for words…

“I know. I know Alex. But… I’m going to help you.” He looked at you, completely dumbfounded.

“No, I deserve this… Besides, there isn’t anything that you can do.” Bet! He does not know who he’s talking to!

“Watch me.” You grabbed him by the arm and pulled him inside, the fire beginning to die down. I’ll put it out once I deal with this. You led him down the hall to Eliza’s room, the door was wide open, Angie, Philip and Rachel were all crowded around her on the bed. “Alright everyone, get out. I have something to say to these two.” Everyone looked at each other in confusion. Rachel was the first one to speak up.

“Very well. Philip, Angelica, you will help me prepare the morning tea.” Angie and Philip didn’t say a word, they just followed her out of the room. The know better than to question Rachel I guess. You pushed Alex into the room and shut the door behind him, leaving you out in the hallway. Two can play this game Eliza! You grabbed the chair that sat across from the door. Why do we even have this here? You propped it under the doorknob so that the door could only be opened by yourself. The knob jiggled furiously and some loud knocks reverberated against the door.

“Y/N Taylor you open this door this instant young lady!” Alex called from inside.

“Not until you both sit down and speak to each other like adults! No more ignoring, no more drinking, no more arson! This is not healthy for you guys!” You shot back.

“And locking us in a room together is?” Eliza questioned.

“No! But I know it’s the only way you’ll be able to look at each other for more than ten seconds! The sooner you start talking, the sooner I open the door!”

“This is very improper for a lady Y/N!” exclaimed Eliza.

“Yeah well since when have I ever cared about that?” You sat down across from the door, on the floor where the chair used to be. Leaning your head against the wall you shut your eyes. Finally, a little bit of quiet time. This has been an oddly eventful morning… Not even bringing up this whole Eliza and Alex situation it was still pretty crazy. Did I really fuck with history so much that I changed the pamphlet that Alex is most known for? Titania’s Pamphlet, I mean shit, it’s about me of all people. The whole thing was centered around the rumor Magenta Fucker started. He talked about Maria yeah, but it was different. Honestly Eliza in my timeline was a lot more dangerous than this one’s. She was so pissed that she burnt them inside her house, she didn’t think about safety. This version changed course a bit, that’s why I’m hoping they can talk this out. It took them years to recover in the original timeline but maybe with a little shove it can happen a bit faster? And what was up with that weird vision? The only time I get anything similar to that is when I’m asleep and I’ve never actually seen anything from them before. Why was this time different? I mean for fuck’s sake, is an explanation really too much to ask for universe?! I keep putting that off when I know I shouldn’t, but what else can I do? The closest thing I have to scientist around here is an eleven-year-old dare devil! I just hope everything works out… You heard small footsteps coming towards you, cracking an eye open you recognized the small boy with a neck cloth over his mouth. “Hi there Johnny, is everything okay?” He shook his head.

“Are Mama and Papa…going to be alright?” He asked shyly as he took a seat on your lap and rested his head against your shoulder. You gave his back a soft pat.

“Yeah, they’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry about that, okay sweetie?” He nodded and a few moments of comforting silence befell you. That didn’t last long though.

“Don’t get mad but… Alexander and James… are playing with fire outside.” WHAT?! You jumped up, holding Johnny in your arms. DO THEY HAVE A DEATH WISH OR SOMETHING?! You ran outside while carrying the small boy, AJ was poking the fire with a stick while Jamie stood a few feet behind him with his arms crossed.

“Come on Alexander! Seriously, we’re going to get in trouble!” Jamie said nervously.

“Oh trust me, you guys are definitely in trouble! Alexander Jr, put that stick down right now!”

“But do you not ever wonder what amount of heat it takes for things to burn? Like this paper!” He groaned.

“Four hundred and fifty-one degrees Fahrenheit, now put that stick down and get me a bucket filled with water to put out this bonfire!” You put Johnny back down on the ground, a safe distance away from the still burning wood. “Stay here, alright? I don’t want you to get burned.” He blinked at you, his way of silently agreeing. AJ ran past you and into the house. What am I going to do with that adorable little pyromaniac? Jamie skipped next to you.

“Am I in trouble too?” He asked.

“Yes, you are. I’m proud of you for trying to tell him to stop but you should’ve gotten me in the first place. You will only not get dessert tonight; AJ is now up to a month of no sweets…” I don’t want to break his spirits when it comes to his experiments, I just don’t want him to get third-degree burns! AJ soon came, stumbling a bit on the steps, he handed you a bucket filled with water. You went over to the fire and slowly poured it over top, thoroughly dousing it. “Alright boys, get back inside and study. AJ, no more experiments for the rest of the day. You can start fresh tomorrow.”

“Yes, ma’am.” AJ sighed, all three of them going back inside and up the stairs to their room. I guess I should check back in on Alex and Eliza… As you made your way back down the halls you caught sight of Philip pressing his ear against the door. You taped him on the shoulder and whispered.

“Are they talking?”

“Yes, I cannot tell what they are saying but at least they aren’t screaming at each other.” He whispered back. You grabbed the chair and quietly moved it away from the door. “What are you doing?”

“Just an idea I had. Come on, let me try that tea you and Angie made.” Honestly I could really use something to calm me down.

             A few hours later all of you were sitting in the dining room, eating lunch. They’re been talking for a while, should I tell them they can leave now?

“What are you thinking about over there?” Philip was sitting by your side.

“Just how terrible that tea was, you really need to work on your brewing skills Sunshine.” You teased.

“I cannot believe you would say that to me! I am hurt, truly am. How will I ever forgive you?” He shot back with fake hurt.

“It was but a jest. Looks like the sun’s got some clouds in its way today!” You heard the door to the dining room open and focused your gaze on it. Eliza and Alex came through, they looked calmer than before, everyone wat the table was silent.

“Good day everyone, your mother and I have an announcement.” What now?! “Since this time has been rather stressful on all of us, we have decided that a trip is in order.”

“A trip?” Jamie asked. Eliza nodded, a faint smile on her face.

“Yes, a winter get away. We still have several months until then but we plan to go upstate to help relax. Perhaps we could also convince a few close compatriots to come along.” I’m glad she seems happy.

“When will we be leaving?” Angie asked.

“End of November and we plan to stay until the end of February.” Alex explained. Wow, long vacation.

“We must start preparing soon!” AJ exclaimed. You and Philip both seemed uneasy with the situation. You were both glad that things were looking up but now everything was new territory. You looked over at Rachel and she understood what you were trying to ask.

What does this mean for us?

[sparkesink]

Chapter 9:

Hot & Ready

(Shifting Through Loose Written Thoughts:

A Story Started,

Never Finished,

So Many Years Ago.)

 No.

….No.

Fuck.

No.

Fucking Bullshit.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Fucking TJ, 

Goddamn Fucking Literature Nazi.

“Too Fucking Vulgar.”

You Know What Is To Fucking Vulgar?

Worrying About Your Fucking Vulgarity…

That’s What’s Fucking Vulgar.

She’s Been Putting This Chapter Off For So Fucking Long.

(It’s A Bunch Of Bullshit, Rather…)

Laughing On The Fucking Floor For This Fucking Shit.

I Wonder Why I Pulled The Lucky Strings And Got Handed This Shit Story.

(That Fucker Wasn’t Even Fucking Cute,)

I Was Just So Goddamn Desperate For Someone To Love Me,

(I Didn’t Even Give A Shit Who It Was.)

 Doesn’t Help When It’s Your Greatest Desire…

You Know, 

The Whole, “Prince Charming”, Fracture;

(That’s Victoria’s Bit.)

 I Almost Lost Odin For Her…

Woulda Been A Shame;

(The Emerald Eyes Have Such A Significant Part In This Glorious Game.)

I’m Sure He Loves Her,

(He Did Make It Through Me.)

 Very Well Then,

I Suppose I Oughta Quit Stalling.

(The Audience Has Been Stagnant, Long Enough.)

 Now If I Were A Story,

Oh Where,

Oh Where, Would I Be?

Maybe Tucked Behind That Old Writing Tree?

No, No,

(That’s TJ’s Tale…)

Between The Pillows Of The Old Wooden Bed,

Littered With Cheap Tequila,

(Eternally Stained) 

Within A Children’s, Spider-Man Sippy-Cup.

I’ve Waited So Long, And Now All I Can Think…

“How In The Fuck Am I Going To Fucking Get Drunk Tonight?” 

 I Suppose I Should Match Up The Timelines,

(You Know, The Lyrical Bullshit TJ Was Attempting to Write About Me.)

The Stupid Fucking,

“My First Cannabis Experience,”

(Her Goddamn, Favorite Story To Tell.)

She Makes Me Sound Like Such A Fucking Prick.

So Fucking Dull,

Like, My Friendly Neighbor…

Trying To Explain To Young Children The Dangers Of…

REEFER MADNESS!!!!

(Ahem…)

 I Was Uninformed That When You Are That Fucking High,

It Is Not In One’s Best Interest To Attempt To Inform Your Parents;

(You Have Arrived Home Safely.) 

SINCE I Was The Incredible Child I Was, 

I Walked In My Front Door… 

Thought To Myself, 

"Well… I Am A Wee Late…They Are Probably Worried About Me. 

I Shall Persist To Inform Them Of My Arrival…

Build Brownie Points.” 

 Realizing The Faults Within My Logic, 

Decided,

(Within Sufficient Time,)

Against Informing, 

(The Origin Of My Existence,) 

Of My Arrival: 

Stumbling,

Raiding My Kitchen, 

45 minutes Time. 

Eating,

Until I Ceased To Move, 

Passing Out, 

Waking Up The Next Morning, 

Mom Making Breakfast,

Feeling More Accomplished Than A Horny 20 Year Old Getting Laid,

(Without The Help Of Alcohol, At A Party.)

 This Is What Should Have Happened…

This Is What Actually Happened: 

 Walking Through The Door, 

Hyperventilating,

(Laughing My Ass Off…) 

Over Literally, 

Nothing.

 I Think To Myself, 

"Well, I Am But A Wee Late…

(They Are, Probably, Worried About Me;) 

I Shall Tell Them Of My Arrival With Haste! 

(Solely To Build Brownie Points.") 

 Galloping Amongst The Formal Living-room…

Such A Radiant Gazelle I Should Be, 

Proceeding With:

An Astounding Performance Of James Bond… 

Spinning,

Rolling,

Downward The Parental Stairs…

Tumbling,

(Within Their Bedroom.)

 Now,

You Must Understand,

The Mother Had Gone Bat-shit, 

(Decided A Fourth Baby Was Great.)

Ten Months Prior: 

The ‘Rentals Cruised During Hurricane Wilma,

(Smack-dab In The Center Of Their Trip.) 

Sitting Within A Hotel Basement, 

Three Days,

Tenth Story Room,

Thrown Across The City…

(Impossibly Of Thinking Logically.) 

 "Let's Have A Baby," 

(At This Point,)

Sounded Such: 

"WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!" 

Nine Months Past, 

Very Much Alive…

(And So, A Baby Sister.)

 Creeping Through Their Room,

(Clinging To These Exponential Chuckles,)

Slipping Beneath My Lips,

Playing The Roll Of Such Secret Spy,

(As Explained Before;)

Parentals’…Not Amused… 

(Not In The Slightest…) 

Been The Only Half Hour Of Sleep, 

Within The Past Month…

My Brilliant Ideas….   

(Surely: Not The Brightest.)

 Turning The Light,

Walking Aside A Side Of Their Berth, 

"HELLO,

(Emphasis On The Oh…)

JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW…. 

I'M HOME.”

(Again, More Emphasis On The Oh,

Oh,

Oh,)

 Mom Rolled Over,

(Stealing A Glance;

In Distinction To My Father.)

A Second To Look Within Each-other, (Gaining Reassurance Directed Towards My Intoxication.)

 A Very Long Pause, 

(To Me, A Fucking Century,)

My Father, 

(Finally,)

Clearing His Throat, 

(As To Prepare Speech,) 

"I Was Gonna Go To Class, 

Until I Got High, 

Until I Got High, 

Until I Got High,

(Major Emphasis On The Eye:) 

BAH DA DA DA DA DA.” 

-Shout Out To Afroman, 

(You Dah Bomb-diggity)-

 The Events Followed Are Rather,

(Fuzzy,)

Responsible To Ten Years,

Copious Alcohol, 

“Drug” Consumption, 

Assisted In Aging,

Stress,

Anxiety,

(What Have You.)

 Speaking Though, 

I Recall A Very Long,

“Heart-to-heart,”

Between My Father And I…

(Mostly About My Future Employment, 7/11, My Whole Life. 

Sat Me Down To Watch The Movie,

'The Secret'. 

A Whole Mess Of Universe,

“Stoner-talk”;

Mostly, I Could Not Follow.

(The Cat Licking Itself Is Far To Distracting.) 

Long Story Short, 

As I Awoke, 

I Was Not Greeted…

Hot Breakfast,

Lovingly Prepared For My Wake. 

 Instead:

A Bedroom Door Removed, 

A Computer Missing From Upon My Desk, 

A Phone With Service Cut, 

A Six-month Prison Sentence Within My Bedroom. 

(Lot Of Good That Ever Did, LoL.)

 Oddly,

My Demeanor Changed Drastically Through Maturity. 

The Kind Of “Girl,” I Am Currently? 

Untamed.

Know Anything About Astrology? 

I Am A Cancerian With Boisterous Leo Traits. 

Possessing Terrible Cancerian Qualities,

Wrapped Within Leo Magic… 

(Though,

Thinking About It,

That “Magic” Was Only A Face.)

 Leo: Such Craze To Live Within Spotlight. 

Pigheaded,

Adventurous,

Spontaneous…Etc.

 My “True” Astrological Sign:

Cancer,

Cancerian…

(Trust Me, I Know.) 

The Only Cancerian Traits I Posses Currently:

Easily Hurt, 

Come Off EXTREMELY Strong When I Have Chemistry With Someone, 

Need Constant Attention, 

(Of Course, Affection.) 

We Are Hopeless, Romantics…

Bound Endless To Our Soul Partner, 

(Loving Unconditionally.) 

 Adolescence:

Recluse,

Complete Homebody, 

(To The Core;) 

Shy And Quite Cannot Begin To Describe My Demeanor. 

I Felt More Comfortable Flirting Through A Screened Filter. 

Not Only Permanently Home Bound, 

Shy…Intimidated Rather,

I Don’t Human Well. 

 MySpace was my dating sanctuary. 

I Was Fucking JadeJuggernaut,  

(From MySpace,) 

As Far As Everyone Else Was Concerned: 

I Was The Shit. 

 As An Adolescent,

I Became Accustom To The World Of Superficiality, 

(Rather Quickly.) 

I Many Prospects Held Attention For Me Through Social Flirting, 

Only To Flee Once Meeting Me.

Honestly, I Was Never A Terrible Looking Girl. 

I Put On Weight Easily,

(Thank You, Hypothyroidism). 

 In Grade Nine, 

My Average Weight:

Somewhere Around 165 lbs. 

(I Had Trouble Playing 'The League' I Attempted To Fish From.)

(Always The Orchid, 

Basking Within That Dimmed Moonlight.) 

Now, I Was Just A Young Girl, 

This Was The First Time I Had Realized…

Everyone Was Staring At Me. 

They Were Not Awing, 

Nor Talking Highly Of Me; 

More Like Gawking, 

Making Fun. 

 You Start To Realize How Ugly You Are,

(As Claimed By Society.) 

Those Underwear Models,

The “Beautiful” Women,

The One’s You Idolize,

(From This Day,)

Branded Upon Every Fragment Within Your Skull. 

 That Image, 

(Their Image,) 

Becomes The Only, 

(Acceptable,)

Image For Yourself; 

You Isolate Your Life, 

Revolving Solely Towards Ultimate Perfection. 

 Sometimes,

The Most Beautiful Things In Life Are Found Within The Most Curious Places; 

This Is Not One Of Those Things. 

Your Obsession Controls Your Every Move. 

This Is Not Something Beautiful,

(Found In A Remote Location;) 

This Is Hideous…

It Will Control Your Entire Life For Over Ten Years.

 At Fourteen-Years Young,

I Had Been Stood Up More Often Than I Can Remember:

That Is…Until I Met Peter. 

We Started Talking, Casually. 

(To Be Honest, He Was Never Really My Type.)

 He Was More…

A Boy I Talked To Once-In-A-While,

(When He Was Online, 

And I Was Bored…

Regardless,)

I Ended Up Giving Him My Number. 

 The First Time I Spoke To Peter,

I Was In The Shower, 

(Naturally, Ended Up Leading To Inappropriate, Sexual, Innuendos.)

We Were Polar Opposites, 

Floating Along, 

(In The Same Situational Boat Of Life.) 

Both Having Had One 'Relationship,' 

(Before We Met.) 

 JR,

(My Internet Boyfriend Of A Year,)

'JR' From New York, 

Was,

(In All Reality,) 

A Girl From My School,

(Or, At least, I Believe So.)

 Peter’s Online Relationship: 

Some Girl From His School, 

(Blew Him Off Every Chance She Got.) 

Due To This,

The First Time We Made Plans To Meet,

He Was On The Edge,

(Thinking I Would Blow Him Off,

Such As This “Past” Girl.

 I Was Fourty-Five Minutes Late. 

Remember The Six-Month Prison Sentence? 

This Event Just So Happened To Be Right In The Middle…

Imagine,

(The Fight Being Had, 

Attempting To Convince My Parents To Take Me,

(To Meet This Boy.)

Talking A Hormonal,

(Recently Pregnant, Mother…

With A Crying Newborn Into Escorting You Anywhere,

(Especially Given The Fact:

Your Dumb Ass Came Home More High Than Snoop Dog On April 20th.)

 We Walk Into The Theatre, 

Yes,

I Said We… 

Would You Like To Know Why I Say We? 

(Of Fucking Course You Do…)

You Wouldn't Be Reading This Bullshit:

(Now Would You?) 

I Say, “WE,” Due To: 

The First Time Peter Saw Me, 

(In Person,)

You Want To Know What Came With Me?

My Best Friend At The Time, 

Both My Younger Siblings, 

Topped With A Mother On A Rampage. 

 (Damn Kid, 

Should Have Known At This Moment…) 

Best Course Of Action: 

Run Far,

Far,

Away.

 This Is What Should Have Happened. 

Instead,

He Comes Over To My Side, 

Proceeds Attempt To Introduce Himself:

My Mother,

Pulling Cash From The ATM. 

 They Say First Impressions Are Key To Meeting Anyone New…

The First Impression Of My Mom? 

"SO YOUR THE REASON I GOT PULLED OUT OF BED AND HAD TO PUT A SCREAMING BABY IN THE CAR. JUST LOVELY!" 

 Followed By, 

(Extremely Aggressive,)

Transfer Of Money From Her Possession,

(To Mine.)

Storming Out, 

Would Put A Sorority, Bitch,

(On Her Period,) 

To Shame. 

 In Case You Failed to,

“Pick Up On It,”

She Stormed Out… 

Alone.

That’s right, 

Our First Date Included: 

Both My Younger Siblings,

(As Well As My Tag-A-Long, Friend.) 

 Remember…

That Thing I Said… 

About Needing To Appear Badass,

(In Order To Compensate For My Awkwardness?) 

 This Awkward Moment,

Followed By Us Sitting,

(More Awkwardly Than Before,)

In A Movie,

Next To Each Other, 

(Dealing With My Ten-Year-Old Brother,

 Eight-Year-Old Sister,) 

Running Around Us, 

(Obnoxiously.)

 (This Boy Was Never Talking To Me Again.)

 To My Surprise, 

The Following Weeks Consisted Of: 

Texting, 

Calling Each Night, 

Spending Time Together,

(Whenever The Opportunity Arose.) 

Looking Back On It, 

This Relationship Was Destined For An Apocalyptic End, 

(Before It Even Began.) 

 I Had Introduced Him To My Only Other Girlfriend, 

(Besides That One Who Joined Our First Date,) 

I Accused Him Of Thinking She Was More Attractive Than I,

“She Was Nice,” 

That’s All It Took. 

What Type Of Insane, 

(Insecure,) 

Bitch Does That? 

 Remember, 

(The Introduction,) 

A Mention Of Lessons,

It Is Only Through Experience,

One May Obtain The Knowledge Of A More Great,

(Stable,) 

Way Of Being. 

 He Was Understanding,

Thirty Minutes, 

(Post Jealous Rampage,) 

I Officially Was Diving,

(Head First,)

Into An Attempt At Love.

…And So It Began.

  This Attempt At Love,

(Peter, And Myself,)

The Classic “First Girlfriend, First Boyfriend,” 

Each Other’s First Kiss,

(Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit,) 

I Suppose, 

I Couldn’t Discover My Full, 

(Awesome,) 

Potential, 

(Until After-The-Fact.) 

 Though, 

I Was Young,

(Naïve,) 

I Found Myself Head-Over-Heals, 

(In Love,) 

With This, Boy. 

I Had Wished To Give Him Everything Of Mine:

 (Considering My True ‘First’ Kiss, 

Stolen,

Sometime Before I Had Met Him.) 

 I Was Thirteen, 

I Was To Stay-The-Night With A Long Time,

Family Friend,

(Kim.) 

A Weekly Ritual, Rather. 

 This Night, 

(Unlike The Rest,) 

Deciding To Steal Her Parent’s Alcohol,

(Be Naughty While They Slept.) 

Kim Had An Older Cousin Staying With Them, 

Age Twenty-Three.

He Came Out, 

Mid-Night;

Jumped In The Hot Tub With Us. 

 This Was The First,

(Only,)

Time I Would Have Ever Encountered This Man; 

I Could Not Tell You His Name, 

I Was A Child, 

He Was A Grown Man. 

 I Remember Lying,

(In Their Guest Bedroom,) 

Him,

Draped Upon Me;

Kim Laughing, 

(Telling Jokes From The Edge Of The Bed.) 

He Removed My Shirt,

Continued To Kiss My Neck,

(And Back,) 

Repeatedly,

(As I Lie There…

Listening To Kim Ramble On,

(Regarding Some Peer In Her Middle School Class.)

 My Bra Straps 

(The Next To Be Unfastened,) 

Followed:

A Continuous Battle,

(This Strange Man With Myself,) 

Fastening, 

Unfastening. 

 I Became Frustrated, 

I Told Him To Stop Undressing Me… 

Leading Kim To Begin Jumping Up, 

Screaming, 

“LET’S PLAY TRUTH OR DARE!” 

 Some Of These Dares,

An Innocent Game,

(Thirteen-year-old Innocence:)

Eating Dog Food, 

Dancing, Ridiculously, 

Our Favorite Song,

In Our Underwear, 

(That Sort Of Nonsense.) 

 The Final Memory Of This Evening,

A Dare:

She Had Assigned To Her Cousin, 

“I Dare You To Make Out With Jade.” 

He Threw Himself Atop Me,

Began To Demandingly Kiss, 

(Forcefully, Fondle,)

Roughly Thirty Seconds…

I Nervously Giggled,

Pushed Him Away From Me. 

 “I Dare Jade To Give Me A Blow Job,” 

I Ran To The Bathroom, 

Vomited Profusely, 

Woke Up The Following Morning In Kim’s Bed.

 This Story Has Never Found It’s Way From My Mouth,

(Until This Very Day,) 

It Made It Rather Difficult To Look Peter In The Eye,

Pronouncing Him, 

“My First And Only,” 

For Over Four Years. 

 I Remember Attending My Summer Theatre Camp Session,

(The Morning Following That Night.)

I Remember My Instructor Telling Us That He Was Twenty-Three Years Old,

(Class Introductions.)

I Remember The Guilt I Felt,

How I Wanted To Crawl Out Of My Skin,

With Every Thought Of My Instructor,

Trying To Touch Me.

Attempting To Process The Age Difference,

With An Association To This New Class Instructor…

 I Let Him Violate Me,

This Cousin Of My Friend:

I Chose To Drink,

Underage,

That Night.

I Giggled, 

As If It Was Okay,

(While My Mind Desired Violence.)

I Tried To Tell Him To Stop,

I Failed To Relate The Message.

 I Should Have Left.

I Should Have Called My Parents.

I Should Have Walked Away From The Situation.

Started A Fucking Riot, 

Raged And Swung!

I Didn’t. 

I Let It Happen.

I Allowed Myself To Be The Victim.

 I Spent Years Attempting To Figure,

Why Sex Felt So Wrong, 

(Throughout My Young Adulthood.)

Through Consenting Occasions,

My Mind Would Snap…

My Skin Would Begin To Crawl…

My Light Began To Dim,

A Little Girl, 

Began To Sob.

 I Was Peter’s First Kiss, 

Obvious Upon, 

(Eventually,)

Locking Lips With This Lanky, 

Tall, 

Large Lipped, Boy. 

 At The Beginning,

It Was Bound,

Someone’s Something,

(Would Be In Or On,)

Something, 

Of The Other’s Body. 

 The First Time, 

(I Actually Had ‘Sex’,)

Was Not When I Lost My Virginity. 

 Peter, 

For Some Reason Or Other, 

Refused To Lose His Virginity To Me. 

No Matter How Many Attempts I Would Make,

He Would Respond, 

Same Answer, 

“I Want It To Be Special.” 

 God Knows Why,

I Chose The One Boy, 

(Who Didn’t Want To Fuck Anything And Everything,

Just To Say He Had Sex,) 

He Just Would Not Let Me Take His V-card From Him. 

 He Didn’t Seem To Have A Problem Laying Me On The Floor,

Your Hand On My Back,

Holding Me Down,

Sodomizing Me As I Cried; 

Manipulating Words,

(Constantly Spewing Out Of Your Mouth) 

Babbling On As My Pants Were Removed. 

 I Told Him I Didn’t Want To Again…

And Again…

I Was Never Aggressive Towards Him, 

(Until Later In The Relationship.) 

He Did As He Pleased To Me, 

(Sexually,) 

Whether I Wanted To, 

Or Not. 

 I Walked Back Into My House,

That First Day You Held Me Down,

I Felt That Same Sick Guilt As Before: 

Disgusting, 

Used, 

As If My Innocence Had Been Taken From Me. 

 I Believe,

Excusing Your Actions,

(As I Had Convinced Myself,)

You Had Ownership Of My Body,

(Payment For An Attempt At Love,)

As If My Wishes Didn’t Matter,

It Was Just “Okay”.

 We Were Dating. 

I Didn’t Realize How Fucked Up That State Of Mind Is,

(Until Just Recently,) 

Actually,

(Tell You The Truth,) 

I Am Ashamed,

Believing It To Be “Right,” 

(In The First Place.)

 I, Suppose This Was Not A One-Way Road,

In Fact, 

Our Virginities Sacrificed Through Twisted Trickery,

(Of My Own.) 

Soft Ambiance, 

Reno911 Playing As Background, 

I Informed Him His Sodomy, 

Was In Fact Intercourse: 

Romance At It’s Finest.

 I Want To Remember The Reasons I Loved You,

I Just Can’t Think Of Any.

I Want To Say I Wasn’t Hurt,

(When You Had Me Pick Out Her Birthday Card.)

I Can’t Remember,

If I Loved You,

Or The Idea Of Falling In Love,

(Instead.)

I Am Not A Stupid, 

(Naïve,) 

Girl:

There Would Have Had To Have Been Reason,

(I Fell Madly In Love With You.)

 I Will Never Regret The Lessons,

And The Growth You Gave Me, 

Through The “Young Love”,

We May Have Had,

(With One-An-Other.) 

 The Human Mind Seems To Grasp,

The Darkest Of Memories, 

More So Than Of Those That Light The Way; 

Harder To Recover The Heartfelt Days,

The Ones Covered In Orange And Yellow Leaves,

(Those Falls’ We Shared Throughout The Years.) 

 I Believe Our Biggest Conflict,

Was That Of A Superficial Kind;

A Very Conservative White Collar,

Trying To Tame A Tie-dye Dress.

 While Shopping In Wal-Mart,

One Fine Afternoon,

My Crazy Spontaneity Leaped,

Grabbing Peter By The Chest. 

We Started A Waltz,

In The Middle Of Checkout Number Five. 

This Did Not Last,

He Was Not Amused,

My Lack Of Suitable Public Action,

“For The Love Of God,

Please Keep Her Subdued.”

 Personality Battles,

The Leading Cause, 

(To Our Official Brake Up.) 

I Ended Our Relationship, 

January 1, 2011, 

(Continued To Share My Bed.) 

 It Was Not Until Valentine’s Day, 

A Month And A Half Past, 

I Officially Kicked Him Out Of My Bedroom,

A Four Year Waste. 

Though We No Longer Shared A Bed, 

We Still Lived Under The Same Roof,

(Took The Same Classes.) 

Environmental Science Lab,

We Were Required To Attend A Field Trip, 

(One Of The Dams, 

About Forty-Five Minutes From Campus.) 

 This Was A Class Activity,

We Rode The Bus All The Way Out There,

Walked Around With Our Thumbs Up Our Own Asses.

The Tour Guide Babbled On For Hours,

The Same Boring Dam Shit,

(We All Learned In Kindergarten.) 

 I Have The Attention Span Of A Five-Year-Old, 

Guess Where Jade Was While Everyone Else Was Pretending To Give A Shit? 

Walking Down The Car Rails, 

(Participating In Her Own Balancing Act,) 

Singing,

(At The Top Of Her Lungs.) 

 Again, 

Peter Was Not Thrilled,

(My Adolescent Actions.) 

Proclaimed,

“I Was Embarrassing Him, 

Knock It Off!” 

 Peter Had A Curfew,

 (Adolescent In The World Of Him,

And I,

Before The Studies,

(And The Parties,)

Before The Cheat,

(And Lies.)

Ten P.M. 

Until Eight-een, 

(It Finally Moved To Midnight,) 

 My Free-Spirited Family, 

Curfews Were Something Of Non-Fiction:

A Folk-lore To Scare High School Girls. 

(Their Daddies Found Them,

In The Back Seat Of His 98’ KIA Spectra.) 

 Thirty To Forty-five Minutes Past, 

A Tapping At My Window. 

Tap,

Tap,

Tapping On My Second Story Window, 

A Normal Person,

Ignored it. 

 “Look Outside,” 

The Text That Arrived On My Phone,

Three Minutes Past. 

There Was Peter, 

Blanket Laid Upon My Lawn. 

 We Lay Upon The Starlit Cover,

Speaking Of Life,

The Future,

The Dream… 

(He Had It All Figured Out.) 

 The Universe Had Finally All Come Together,

(In Our Heads,) 

Every Dream, 

(Aspiration,) 

Could All Come True. 

 We Were In Love Under The Stars,  (That Night.)

My Seventeenth Year,

I Was Going To Walk Down The Isle To You,

(Live Happily-Ever-After.) 

(Not What Happened, 

As You Can Sea,

(The Fun Has Just Begun.) 

Peter Was A Grade Older Than Me,

In High School, 

Towards His Senior Year… 

A Conclusion: 

You See, 

He Decided,

Join Football,

The Summer Before,

Peter Started Bulking Up,

(Using Steroids,)

What A Bore. 

 I Was The “Pudgy Adolescent”,

A Grade Behind,

Working Towards Early Graduation. 

One Conclusion,

Determined In My Life: 

I Need To “Get Hot,” 

(So I Could Keep Him Around,) 

Come August Of 2009, 

Forty lbs. Lighter,

Moving Into A Dorm,

(I Wasn’t Prepared For.)

University of Idaho,

(Go Vandals…)

I Rolled A Fucking Spare.

 You Must Understand,

A Couple Of Things, 

(About Me,) 

In The Form Of My Greatest Pet Peeve. 

 When You Walk Into A Room, 

And Realize, 

You’re Running Through Everyone’s Mind.

Either A: 

Being Looked At As “The Stupid, Slut,” 

(By Those Who Drip Immense Envy,

 From Every Orifice Of Their Body…

Or B: You’ve Become A Piece Of Meat,

(Placed Within The Center Of Vultures.) 

 They Can’t Explain, 

(Why You Are Wonderful,) 

They Tend To Degrade You, 

To Fit You Within Their Perfect,

Cookie Cutter, 

(Model,) 

Of A Human Being. 

 Those Who Desire Simplicity, 

(Those Fabulously Plain,) 

Those Who Never Stand Out, 

(Who Can Never Be ‘More’,) 

Those Who Search For Outlets, 

Religion, 

God, 

Abstinence, 

‘Purity’, 

Do So To Give Justification, 

(For Mediocrity.) 

 If You Have Wronged Those Around You, 

(If You Have Inflicted Pain,)

Do Not Worry One Bit, 

(You’re A Good Person,

You’re No One To Blame.)

You Have Chosen To Be ‘Ratified’,

(By Said Outlet.) 

 You May See Me On The Party Circuit, 

I’m The Pretty Little Blonde,

(Sitting In The Window.) 

I’ll Act All Cutesy,

To Attract The Hottest,

(Dumb,) 

Assholes Of The Lot,

Allowing Me To Use Them, 

(Don’t Worry, You’ll Figure Out The Plot.)

 I’m The Ditsy, 

Stupid, 

Pretty,

Little, 

Blonde…

(Everyone Likes To Assume I Am.)

 I Got My High School Diploma, 

(Ripe Ole’ Age Of Sixteen,) 

I’ve Been Drunk At U Of I,

Fucking Wasted…

Creating Havoc, 

(Every Night.) 

Three Years How? 

And Yet NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES ME,

WHEN I SAY IM A GODDAMN HONORS STUDENT NOW. 

 Dean’s Listed For Two, 

(Three Honor’s Societies,) 

Rarely Go To Class, 

And Yet… 

I’m Kicking College’s Ass.

  Who Fucking Does That?

Sitting In My Honors Classes,

Hung Over As Balls, 

(Barely Awake,) 

Everyone Fucking Looks At Me…

“She Must Be In The Wrong Place.” 

 No Bitch, 

I Don’t Look Like The Female Version Of Elmer Fudd…

(Get Shit Housed Every Night,) 

I Did Not Arrive Here VIA Fluke. 

IMMA GODDAMN GENIUS BIOTCH,

(GET OFF MY BACK.) 

 Now I’ve Ranted, 

(And Raged,) 

On Everyone’s Ignorant Idiocy,

I’ll Get Back To The Important Issues At Matter.

 Peter Was A Pathological Liar. 

One Time: 

He Lied About Taking Down His Christmas Lights, 

(With His Dad,) 

He “Wanted To Play Video Games”, 

Instead Of Hangout With Me, 

He “Didn’t Have The ‘Heart’ To Tell Me The Truth”…

Would You Rather LARP? 

Or Masturbate On A Cracker? 

Staring At Your Warlock Mange, 

Instead Of Fucking Your Girlfriend? 

 I Would Have Preferred The Later,

(Give Me A Little Credit Here.) 

What Kind Of Psychotic Bitch Do You Think I Am? 

 I May Not Be Something, 

Of ‘The Step-ford Wives,” 

I Sure As Hell Am Not Going,

(Hannibal Lector,) 

Eating Flesh Off Knives.

 Peter Would Try To Go Behind My Back, 

(With Other Girls,) 

You Bet Your Ass, 

I Had Eyes Where Ever He Was At. 

 When You Know An Abundance Of People, 

You Can Sit On Your Bed, 

Getting Reports, 

(From People He Had Never Met Before.) 

 This, 

(My Friends,) 

The Reason I Died Single; 

Not Even Batman Could Two-time My Ass, 

(Without Me Knowing It.) 

 Long Story Short, 

Peter Made Me Crazy. 

Slap A Pretty,

White, 

Vest On Me: 

Lock It Up, 

(In A Padded, 

White, 

Room…)

PSYCHOTIC BITCH. 

 Looking Back On It Now, 

I Completely Understand, 

(Why He Did, 

What He Did.) 

Whatever Fucked Up Justification You Can Get Out Of That,

(Sort Of Understand…) 

Why You Would Fuck The Mammoth, 

Sloth? 

Love Child? 

(From The Fourth Floor, 

That Night After Halloween.) 

 They Say, 

“Karma Is A Bitch.” 

We Partied On Halloween,

That Year…

I Walked Upstairs, 

(Finding A Bathroom,) 

Literally Pushing People Out Of My Way,

(Just To Move.) 

Place Was Packed, 

Kegs Were Afloat. 

 I Could Not Explain, 

(The Details Of The Whole Ordeal,) 

I Remember Walking Into The Bathroom,

Being Welcomed By A Half-Naked Vampire, 

Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor. 

 I Have Been Taken Advantage Of, 

(More Often Than I Like To Admit.)

 I Once Cried, 

(In My Pillow,) 

While My Boyfriend Just,

“Went At It.” 

Telling Him Constantly, 

“I Wasn’t In The Mood…”

(Didn’t Even Notice My Tears,

When He Wiped My Side Of His Cum…

(Or The Entire Way Through.) 

Woken Up,

(Asking Same Boyfriend,)

“Why Am I So Messy?” 

The Response: 

“I Just Had Sex With You.” 

(Weren’t You Such A Peach?) 

 I Had Just Gotten Use To It. 

(I Suppose It Was One Of Those Things,) 

I Thought, 

“He Is My Boyfriend, 

I Guess It Is No Big Deal.” 

 So Help Me God, 

I Was Not Going To Let This Passed Out Girl, 

Be Hurt,

(In Any Way.) 

I Stayed By Her Side,

(Until Her Friends Were Found,) 

Luckily, 

She Was A Friend Of The Current Tenant, 

(Got Her In A Room So She Was Safe.) 

 I Remember Thinking; 

“Karma Has My Back For A While!” 

 To Beg Him To Stay The Night With You, 

(Just This Once,) 

To Hear Him Refuse,

No Matter How Hard You Mourn,

You Feel Inadequate. 

 Two Days Past, 

Peter,

Sitting In My Dorm Room,

(On My Computer,) 

I Walked Through The Hallway,

From Girl’s Public Shower,

Into My Bedroom.

Being A Mindless Drones In Today’s Society;

The First Order Of Business Post Shower, 

(Check The Mobile Device.)

 Those Fortunate Enough,

(To Never Experience Heartbreak,) 

You Have My Greatest Envy, 

(You Have My Greatest Pity.) 

 Envy: 

Obvious Reasons Of Pain, 

Sorrow So Great, 

(You Tend To Lose Yourself.) 

I Can No Longer Say, 

“I Have Never Lost Someone Close To Me,” 

(Someone I Loved Greatly.) 

 The Day My Heart Shattered, 

I Died, 

I Took A Hand Full Of Pills,

To The Bottom Of The Ocean.

(Experienced All Her Stages Of Grief.) 

 I Could Not Breathe, 

I Could Not Eat, 

I Could Not Sleep. 

 I Watched My Entire World,

Rot, 

Turn To Ash, 

(In Front Of My Feet.) 

 Most People Would Assume Figuratively,

(I Literally Felt My Soul, 

Disintegrate.) 

 You Have My Pity: 

You Will Never See The World,

(As I Do Now.) 

Though Dark And Corrupt, 

The Innocence Naively, 

(Brainwashed,) 

From The Day We Are Born: 

Is Not,

(Will Never Be,) 

Real. 

 Those Who Are Never Hurt, 

Will Believe This To Be, 

“This Is A Fallacy.” 

 Listen, 

I Do Not, 

Cannot, 

Verbally Say, 

Any Of This;

(Due To A Lack Of Trust.) 

Trust For Anyone, 

(To Care.) 

Anyone, 

(With My Heart,) 

An Unfathomable Concept. 

 It Must Be Written, 

(Someone Has To Know:) 

My Story, 

(And Understand.) 

I Was Raped, 

(My Innocence Stolen From Me,) 

I Was Forced To See, 

All Twenty-five, 

Different, 

Angles… 

(Of A Girl Not Much Different,

You See?)

The “Love Of My Life’s Computer, 

(Three Separate Times,) 

 The One To Think I Was Beautiful Before,

(I Lost Weight,) 

Looked Me In The Eye,

(To Say How Ugly,

Stupid,

He Saw Me.) 

I Finally Accepted My Heartbreak; 

Fell Madly “In Love”,

(With My Best Friend,) 

We’ll Call Him, 

Paul.

 When You Are A Child, 

You Learn Discipline. 

You Find,

“What Is Good?”, 

And “What Is Evil?”; 

(In Fear,)

Your Father Chasing You Through The House, 

A spanking, 

(From, 

“The Belt,” 

Awaiting, 

(For Disobeying.) 

 You Become Adolescent. 

You Fall In Love. 

 This Love Promises You His Future, 

His Heart, 

His Hand, 

His Life. 

 This First Love Goes To College With You. 

(You Are Excited For Independence:

Life As A Collegiate,

An Adult,

(With This Boy.) 

 This Is Where The Evil You Never Actually Grasped,

(As A Child,) 

Starts To Show It’s Face. 

 He Starts To Leave Your Room, 

Earlier, 

And Earlier, 

Every Night That Pass. 

 He Will Refuse To Stay The Night With You,

(During The Week Days,) 

He Will Not Come To Your Room,

(Till’ Late On Weekends.) 

 His Phone Will Always Be,

‘Dead’:

(He Will Lose His Fucking Mind,

When You Search Through It. )

 You Will Lie In His Bed,

(After Forgiving Him;) 

You Will Stare At The Ceiling,

(Unable To Fall Asleep.) 

 Something Comes Over You, 

(You Cannot Remember Having Control, 

Over Your Own Body.)

You Remember The Events, 

(Clear As Day.) 

 Sitting Straight Up, 

You Will Grab A Notebook, 

(Lying On The Floor;) 

Your Hand Is Moving,

(In The Dark,)

But You Won’t Remember,

(What It Was, 

You Couldn’t say.) 

 He Will Wake Up, 

Ask,

“Are You Okay?”

You Respond By Throwing, 

(The Notebook Across The Room,) 

Lay Back Down. 

 He Will Walk Over Toward The Object,

(In Flight,) 

Turns On The Light, 

(Reads,) 

Tears The Paper Out, 

Throws It Away, 

(Your Delirious, 

Masterpiece.) 

 You Hear Nothing, 

(Hysterical Laughing,) 

You Must Realize: 

You Are Making This Terrible Noise; 

You Will Snap Out,

(Of This Possession,) 

Referring To Yourself,

(In Third Person.) 

 He Will Go To Bed; 

You Will Draw,

Music In Your Ears,

“Just Make The Thoughts Go Away!” 

 You Finally Pass Out,

(When The Sun Comes Up.) 

You Never Actually Find Out, 

(What Your Body Decided To Scribble.) 

He Will Tell You, 

“You Have Some Serious Demons, 

Need Not To Hate Yourself,” 

(So Much,) 

“None Of This Is Your Fault Baby, 

Stop Hating Yourself For Stupid Mistakes, 

(I Made)”.

 You Ever Realize, 

How Much You Really Do Hate Yourself? 

People Try To Play Off The ‘Cool’ Persona, 

(They Have ‘Never’ Looked In The Mirror, 

Been Disgusted With Whom They Had Become.) 

Physical Disgust,

(Eleven Years Self Harm, 

To The Inside Of Myself,) 

Or Flat Out Disgust, 

(Of Someone,

You Had Become.) 

 I Am No Longer,

(Solely,) 

Disgusted With Myself Physically,

(For The Heart Break Has Made Me Vengeful.) 

 I Have Done Things, 

(No One Would Want To Admit.)

This Is Not The Same Girl, 

(I Was A Year And A Half Ago.)

 That Girl Would Have Never Crossed,

(The Lines I Have Allowed Myself To Play Jump-Rope With; 

I Broke His Heart,

One Week, 

We Were Separated.

I Fell In Love:

He Taunts Me, 

(Every Time I See His Face.)