advocate.
Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader
a joyful future fic
a/n: the very first part of ajf! the beginning of our story! oh my goodness! this got a little long, but there was a lot i wanted to pack in here. thank you all for your patience as i worked through this <3 i’ve got some fun graphics in here for you - open them for best quality!
words: 8.45k
warnings: language, alcohol use, canon-typical descriptions of injury and violence, mention of suicide
summary: “our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.” - oscar wilde. au!july-september 2007
masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | requests closed!
“Director Shepard?”
You approach her, feeling very young, with a question and a smile.
She turns, smiling at you softly. “Yes?”
Her lecture was immaculate - she covered a broad swath of topics - being the first female director of NCIS, her history in international relations and liaison work with British and Israeli intelligence - all of which paved a bit of a roadmap for success in federal law enforcement.
You introduce yourself and shake her hand. “I’ve gotta tell you it was a challenge to choose between agencies in my applications, I admire your work both as an agent and director of NCIS and I was wondering…”
You lose your nerve a bit, but steel yourself again and ask.
“... Would you be willing to meet with me and talk about your career trajectory a little more?”
There’s a light in her eyes as she studies you with a kind of supreme benevolence and gentleness. “I would.”
+++
“Alright,” she says, setting her napkin in her lap. “What do you want to know?”
You laugh a little, “Is everything a good place to start?”
She laughs, and you’re immediately drawn to her warmth. There’s a kind of fire in her, and it doesn’t just come from her hair. “Not at all. Though I’ll give you some unsolicited advice now, to save some time. Find someone you can follow, someone you can learn from.”
She goes on to tell you about her mentor, still on the Major Case Response Team under her purview at NCIS. Though she’s his boss now, she tells you that she still goes to him for advice, for friendship.
“Trusting the people you work with always comes first. It’s not always possible, but when you can manage it. It makes everything better. Always protect them where you can, and don’t ignore the politics”
You do everything except take notes as she tells more stories, how she’s switched from “probie” to Agent to diplomat to Director, before she turns back to you.
“Do you know which unit you’re interested in, yet?”
You shake your head. “Not yet. I’m hoping I’ll have a better idea when the Quantico unit chiefs start coming in to lecture. I’m hoping one of them will catch my interest.”
“Great idea. When one of them does, give me a call. I think any unit could benefit from someone like you.”
+++
Agents Hotchner, Morgan, and Gideon have your attention the moment they step into the room. They’re confident, with a sharp kind of intelligence you admire.
The world of the BAU is fascinating. Serial killers, sex criminals, the very worst of depraved humanity is their everyday. While it sounds somewhat horrifying, it compels you.
Agent Hotchner especially catches your attention. He’s confident in a kind of serious, bladed way. Clearly intelligent, he commands the attention of everyone in the room and effortlessly wields his authority among curious students and his fellow agents.
You’d think Agent Gideon would be the obvious leader, what with all his years of experience and seniority, but even with his grasp of a field he shaped, he doesn’t hold a candle to Hotchner.
With your half-hour-old knowledge, you put together a quick profile of the remaining figure.
Agent Morgan, while strong and clearly an alpha male, brings a skepticism with him. It hangs in the air around him and seems to apply to both of his colleagues. There’s something about Agent Gideon that makes him uneasy, distrustful. He tends to shift his weight away from him when they get too close to each other.
He’s not overt about his skepticism regarding Agent Hotchner, but you get the idea there’s more under the surface you couldn’t possibly know just by studying his behavior in a lecture hall.
This is fun.
You hide your smile in your notebook, jotting down a couple of notes as Agent Gideon continues his “brief overview of profile-driven serial killer arrests.”
+++.
“Director Shepard’s office.”
“Hi Cynthia,” you greet her secretary. “Is Director Shepard in?”
She connects you, and you ask about the BAU.
“Is Jason Gideon still the unit chief over there?” She asks. You can already hear her typing and you’re more than a little concerned about her tenacity in this moment.
“No, ma’am, it’s Agent Hotchner, now.”
“Perfect.”
+++
+++
You’re called into SSA Radner’s office the following Monday to “discuss some changes to your academy courses.”
That doesn’t sound good.
SSA Radner, an imposing and intimidating woman, is the SSAIC in charge of your NAT class - the person in charge of your collective fates.
No pressure.
She opens the door when you knock, gesturing to the chair on the other side of her desk. “Please, have a seat.”
You chuckle nervously. “Thanks, Agent Radner.” You note her little smile as she sits at her desk, and chance a question. “Have I done something, I dunno, wrong? We don’t seem to find much good news in the SAIC’s office at my rank.”
That pulls a laugh from her. “I wouldn't worry too much. I have a proposition for you. It’s...unusual, but not unheard of.”
Your brow crumples a little and she exhales.
“It might actually be better if - yeah. Hold on.” She clicks her intercom and her assistant chirps from the other side.
“Yes ma’am?”
“Please send them in. I’d like to do a joint briefing.”
Joint briefing? What is this, the third invasion of Iraq?
The door opens behind you and you whip around, finding Agent Hotchner and IOS Section Chief Erin Strauss.
What the fuck?
Either you’ve done something terrible or insane and you’re not sure which.
Chief Strauss addresses you first, shaking your hand. You introduce yourself for good measure but have a feeling she already knows who you are.
“It’s come to our attention that you have ambitious interests and are taking exceptional steps to make the most of your education and training at the academy. Is this a fair assessment?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Agent Hotchner steps forward, sort of looming over you with something that isn’t quite a stern look. You take his hand when he offers, introducing yourself and ignoring the jolt of energy that shoots up your arm at his touch.
His handshake is firm, his hands dry and warm. He looks different up close, younger, maybe. There’s the barest touch of grey at his temples, the beginnings of lines around his mouth and eyes.
Not what I expected.
What did you expect?
How old could he be? Thirty-five, maybe?
Shut up.
He’s handsome.
Shut up!
His face relaxes a little bit before he speaks. “Director Shepard, a close professional colleague, has been a staunch advocate for you and your talents. She approached me about taking you on, giving you case hours in lieu of some coursework.”
“You’d have some catching up to do, as it’s already three weeks into your twenty, and we’d transfer you into the profiling classes,” Agent Radner adds. “But with your diligence, I doubt you’ll have trouble with the added workload.”
“No, ma’am. That should be fine. But,” you look between the three of them, “what does ‘case hours in lieu of some coursework’ mean, exactly?”
“You’d be on assignment with the BAU until you received your formal assignment following successful completion of the academy, with the possibility of assignment with the BAU as a full-fledged agent.” Chief Strauss rattles off the information as if it’s the thousandth time she’s said it.
It might be.
You can’t even fathom how much effort and time must have gone into this decision. The realization leaves you speechless.
She prompts you again. “Does that sound like an opportunity in which you’d be interested?”
“Oh, yes, ma’am.” You feel a little stupid, but you’re rewarded with a proud smile from Agent Radner.
You could also swear you saw a twitch of Agent Hotchner’s lips, but he doesn’t seem to be a man who smiles much.
+++
“So this’ll be your desk,” Agent Jennifer-but-my-friends-call-me-JJ Jareau says, pointing to one of the many desks in the bullpen.
You set your bag down with a little smile, feeling more than a little overwhelmed.
Agent Morgan pats your shoulder as he passes your desk. “You’ll do just fine, kid. Ready for a case briefing in ten?”
“Sure.”
His blinding smile eats up his whole face and you like him already. He’s different than you thought he’d be, but you still don’t think your preliminary profile was too far off.
Agent Gideon, still holed up in his office, has yet to acknowledge you.
Your eyes keep wandering to the open blinds, behind which Agent Hotchner and a woman you understand to be his wife have a quiet, apparently heated argument on either side of his desk. Except for the tight set of her mouth and the angry glint in her eye, she seems lovely.
Derek follows your gaze. “Wasn’t always like that.”
You look at him, a little furrow in your brow.
Should he be telling me this?
“She’s not always here either, but their son, Jack, has been sick, so it’s been… tense.” Derek shakes his head. “You wouldn’t catch me married in this job, not once.”
That pulls a laugh from you.
Emily, sitting at the desk beside you, turns in her chair. “Remind me to drink to that later.”
Derek snorts and picks up a couple of files, headed up to the round table room.
+++
Your first case briefing is, well...brief. The case seems fairly straightforward and you run through relevant vocabulary while JJ outlines the case details.
Preferential offender, keeps his victims for no more than three days, victims found in public places.
He wants them found, and fast.
Need-based, maybe? What are his priors?
You’re all dismissed with a brisk, “Wheels up in thirty.”
You pack your things a little slower than probably called for. Hotch disappears into his office again, closing the door behind him. When you pass the window, his wife is tucked under his chin.
Hotch’s eyes flicker to yours and you quickly train your gaze on the floor, hustling down the stairs.
+++
You land next to each other when you board the plane. You do your best to avoid taking anyone's assigned seat.
With a team of this size, you can only assume they have such things.
And they do.
Gideon, Spencer, Morgan, and Prentiss take a seat at the table while JJ perches on the arm of the couch.
Hotch settles at the informal “head” of the table, leaning on the chairs across the aisle. You take a seat in one of the chairs in the row next to him, trying to stay out of the way.
“C’mere, kid,” Derek says, beckoning you forward. “You’re on this team.”
You shuffle forward in your seat, leaning forward with your elbows on your knees and case file open in your hands. “I’m ready.”
JJ smiles at you, and you almost feel comfortable.
+++
You end up alone with Hotch in the precinct conference room after you land, unboxing files and sorting them for Spencer. Until you know enough to make yourself useful, you’ve made it your mission to handle the tedious and the clerical.
Hotch pauses every once in a while as if he wants to say something. You continue on your way. When he’s ready, he’ll stop you.
“I’m sorry about earlier. My wife, Haley, she -”
You look up, waving him off with a little smile. “It’s okay, Hotch. It’s none of my business.”
He looks at you for a minute, studying your face with a bit of a squint. “You mean that.”
It’s not a question.
You’re confused.
“Of course.” A nervous laugh leaves you. “I mean, you’re welcome to tell me if you want, but it’s nothing I need to speculate or gossip about or, God forbid, profile.”
The shock and relief war on his face until it settles back into something that looks like his usual severity, but a little softer. He doesn't say anything else, but you have the sneaking suspicion you passed a test neither one of you prepared for.
Spencer and Emily return from their trip to the medical examiner’s office.
“Who organized these?” Spencer asks, pointing at the neat piles you made.
“Me.” You look up from another box you’re working on. “Would it be helpful if they’re sorted another way? I went chronologically and then by number and type of offenses, with preferential offenders that match the M.O. on top, when possible.”
Emily, Hotch, and Spencer freeze, staring at you like you grew another head in front of them.
You’re suddenly and violently self-conscious. “What?”
Spencer snaps out of it first, shaking his head and picking up a stack. “Nothing that’s just...um…”
“Exactly right,” Emily supplies. She glances at Hotch before looking back at you. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Hotch is the last to break, but the curious little glances he keeps throwing your way always linger a little too long.
To your credit, you ignore them.
+++
“So, how are you liking it so far?” Derek slides into the driver’s seat and rolls out of the parking lot.
You’re headed to another witness’s house under direct orders to observe and as a few (carefully directed) questions. Derek insisted on bringing you himself while the others keep busy with something else.
“I’m liking it,” you reply.
He laughs. “Coulda fooled me.”
You screw up your face and look over at him. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” he says through a laugh, “when you’re not making yourself ridiculously useful, you look terrified.”
“I am terrified.”
“Nothin’ to be scared of as long as you keep asking questions,” he says.
It’s almost like he doesn’t know how ridiculous he sounds.
“You’re joking, right?” You turn to face him, shifting in your seat. “Agent Morgan -”
He cuts you off. You’re pretty sure that’s just how he is - he interrupts the other members of the team frequently and fearlessly. “- Derek. Or Morgan.”
“Fine. Morgan, you have to know that your team is legendary. I don’t even know why -”
“- Don’t say it.” He flags his hand before putting it back on the wheel. “You’re here for a reason, and none of us are going to let you fall so hard you can’t pick yourself up, okay?” He glances over, meeting your eyes. “We’ve got your back.”
You quirk a smile. “Thanks.”
“And,” he adds, “Hotch seems to like you alright. That’s half the battle.”
“What’s the other half?”
He snorts. “Gideon. And local law enforcement.”
+++
You settle in a little easier after that. JJ’s your next target as you help her make some calls to the D.A.’s office.
You hang up and take a breath, slumping back in your chair. It’s been a long day already and it’s not even lunchtime.
“Hanging in there?” JJ asks, smiling at you over her files.
You nod. “Yeah. Just a… different kind of energy than the academy, I think.”
“I felt that way when I got here, too. Gideon was unit chief back then and Spence had just started, too.” She huffs a laugh. “It was a little easier when there were more newbies, but then…” Her face clouds over and she shakes her head.
“Then...what?”
She looks up at you and her mouth twists. “Boston.”
+++
“Hey, Derek?”
“Yeah?” He keeps his eyes on the road, but he can hear the trepidation in your voice.
The dark interior of the car feels safe in the early hours of the morning, headed back to the hotel. “You said I could ask you anything, right?”
His eyebrows pinch. “Shoot.”
“What happened in Boston?”
Derek takes a breath and lets it out in a whoosh. “I wasn’t there. I was supposed to be there.”
You wait on him, watching him watch the road.
“Unsub holed himself up in a massive warehouse. Gideon called in all the support he could - A Team, B Team, SWAT, the whole nine. I was visiting my mom in Chicago for her birthday like I do every year.”
He stops at a red light, and you take a moment to look past him into the adjacent SUV, where Emily and Hotch’s profiles rest in a statuesque silhouette, backlit by the streetlamp.
“It was a trap from the start. Everyone pushed in on Gideon’s order and the whole thing just…” He tosses his hand up and it lands with a smack on the leather steering wheel. “It just went up. Boom. Six BAU agents in our unit, dead, just like that. Had to rebuild from scratch.”
You shiver, though the car is warm. “I’m so sorry, Derek.”
He shrugs. “Gideon took six months off, Hotch took over. Gideon came back, Hotch stayed up front.” He smiles a little. “Haley wasn’t happy, but that’s the job.”
Why does it always come back to Haley? To Hotch?
Because he’s the unit chief.
I know but…
Don’t read into it.
You decide to push, just because it’s Derek, because he seems to know, because you feel safe with him, because it might be a mistake. “Is that what you meant?”
“Hm?” His head turns just a little toward you, his brow furrowed.
“You told me on my first day ‘It wasn’t always like this.’ Is that what you meant?”
“No sane man would take on the unit chief position with a wife and baby on the way.” He shrugs and with a secret little smile says, “But nobody ever accused Hotch of being sane.”
+++
Aaron sits in front of his computer, the end of his pen tapping on the glossy wood of his desk.
Does he have feedback? He’s not sure.
Even with your limited knowledge, you’ve managed to optimize most of the administrative bullshit and political nonsense that clogs most local investigations. You bounce between acting as his shadow and JJ’s, making friends and soothing hurts when toes inevitably get stepped on.
You’ve immediately adapted to his style of criticism and correction, using Derek and Spencer as guide-rails when you’re not sure where you’re going.
There’s nothing to complain about.
But then again…
Feedback isn’t just about the negative.
If he’s honest with himself, he knows he won’t shower you in the glowing praise you deserve. Gideon never did for him or anyone that came after.
It’s not in their nature, or his.
He starts to type.
Glancing out his office window, his eyes find you hunched over your desk, poring over one of Spencer’s notebooks, a pinch in your brow as deep as the Grand Canyon.
You work hard, impossibly hard. You throw everything you have at your work in the field while managing your courses and keeping up with your classmates.
That in mind, he drafts an email to Jenny.
With a sigh, he sends it.
He’s still thinking of what you said on the last case, the genuine truth of it, and how many times he has done his best to preempt the gossip that plagues this office, no matter who it’s about.
This unit, as much of a family as it may be, constantly wraps itself in the business of everyone else. To know you couldn’t give less of a shit about his marriage when the rest of the team (save Gideon) probably has money on when Haley calls it quits is, admittedly, refreshing.
+++
After being in the field, classes take on a new kind of banality. You’re keeping up well enough, but watching Gideon and Derek quarrel over the details of a profile beats diving into the techniques - you guessed it - Gideon developed from cases past.
Hotch and Garcia were gracious enough to CC you on emails while you were grounded at the academy, but it wasn’t the same.
It was hard not to feel left behind, like the last kid chosen for dodgeball in PE class, watching the rest of the unit leave the office. You hung back in the bullpen as long as you could find something to do this morning, making it to class at the very last minute.
Even after lectures, your classmates want nothing more than your attention. You’re suddenly consulting on three different practicals and never have a lunch to yourself.
Most afternoons, you sneak into the bullpen just for some peace and quiet.
You hear your last name and look up, finding Erin Strauss approaching you. You stand. “Ma’am.”
“What are you working on?”
You look down at your desk, finding practical and theoretical exam notes shuffled around next to mock consults and other nonsense Hotch dropped on his way to the jet earlier in the week. “Course work, mostly. It’s nice to… get away every once in a while.”
Erin nods with a little smile. “I’d imagine you’ve been pretty popular lately.”
You shrug, a little facetious. “You could say that.”
She pays your shoulder in a surprisingly maternal gesture, before wishing you luck and leaving you to your work.
At this point, you can’t even imagine just being an FBI agent.
+++
You’ve just closed your burning, tired eyes when your phone rings.
You answer, your last name a grumble into the mic.
“It’s Hotch.”
You sit up straight in bed, immediately awake. “Sorry, sir, I -“
“I should apologize. I don’t mean to interrupt your studying or wake you but I think I could use your opinion on this profile.”
You frown in the dark, flipping your desk lamp on. “My help, sir?”
“Yeah.” He heaves a sigh and you can almost see the fingers pressed to the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been looking at it too long.”
“Maybe Derek, can -“
“No. You. Here, listen -“
He rattles off the details of the case and you snatch your notebook and pen off the desk, jotting things down as Hotch continues through the case.
“Have you identified and contacted local individuals who fit the victimology, taken steps to protect them? He’s a preferential offender with a predictable cooling-off period, right?”
For some reason, this isn’t half as exhausting as the practical exam practice you’d been working on for the last five hours. You may or may not have written those exact questions about fifteen times, but it’s far less exhausting when directed at Hotch.
“Yeah. Two high-risk victims are in protective custody and JJ’s been in touch since this morning.”
You go through a few more basic questions, getting your feet under you, before asking the one you’re really after.
“Sir, why did you call me?”
“I needed another set of eyes.”
You huff a laugh. “No, I gathered that, but why did you call me? I’m in the middle of learning about something you’ve been doing for…” You search for a number, but your brain is fried.
“Too long,” he supplies.
“Sure. But my point stands.”
“That it does.” Something creaks in the background and you imagine he’s leaned back in his chair.
“Did I help?” You’re happy he can’t see your dubious, if not entirely doubtful, expression.
He’s happy you can’t see the little fond smile on his face. “Yes, actually. You did.”
+++
“Wheels up in thirty.”
You all stand from the table and start your routines. Emily and Spencer make a beeline for the coffee machine while JJ jets back to her office for contact sheets and files and all manner of coordinating materials.
Derek’s routine is simple enough - he already has his coffee and his go bag, so he’s answering a few emails before wheels up.
You never really know what to do during this liminal space, so you stick to classwork.
Much to your surprise, you’ve shot ahead in your classes on the shoulders of Derek and Spencer. They’ve been monumentally helpful with the history and application of profiling techniques (though much of Derek’s advice has been ‘just watch Gideon,’ you’re not sure how to watch a process that takes place entirely inside the man’s head).
You ride with Hotch to the airstrip, looking out the window most of the way. It’s only a five minute drive, but the tree-lined roads around Quantico are always lovely this time of the morning.
As always, you do your best to stay out of the way on the plane, taking up residence on Hotch’s right with your notebook and case file.
You offer some thoughts here and there, not pushing too much or saying enough to make an ass of yourself.
When Hotch calls break, the rest of the team scatters to their respective corners.
Gideon turns to you, gesturing with one finger. “Hey, ah…”
Spencer chirps your last name from across the cabin and you shoot him a grateful smile.
“Good job in the briefing, today.”
And with that, he disappears to the far side of the cabin, leaving you and Hotch alone by the table.
“Wow,” you say with a little smile. “I didn’t know he was aware of my existence.”
Hotch doesn’t say anything, but his lips twitch.
Success.
+++
“Welcome back, kiddo!” Derek offers you fist and you bump your knuckles against his on your way back to your desk. “How’d those exams go?”
You huff, playing at defeat. “Oh, you know.”
“Don’t worry about it. There’s always next time.”
Hotch, returning from a meeting with Strauss, hardly looks up from the file in his hand when he says, “Well done on your exams. SSA Radner threatened to hang your marksmanship targets on her wall.”
You hide a smile. “Thanks, Hotch.”
“Not fair!” Spencer says, tossing another Tums in his mouth. “I never passed those.”
“Then how on earth do you have that, Reid?” You point at his six-shooter, still clipped to his hip.
“Wait wait wait,” JJ says, dropping her files and crossing her arms. “You haven’t heard that story?”
Your eyes flicker from Derek, to JJ, to Spencer, and back. “...No.”
JJ settles in, regaling you with a wild tale of an L.D.S.K. -
“You remember what that stands for, right?” Derek points at you and you have a feeling this is about to become some kind of pop quiz.
“Yeah. Long Distance Serial Killer.”
“Good. Famous unsubs include…?”
You sit back in your chair with a little smirk on your face. “D.C. Snipers Muhammad and Malvo, active October 2002, seventeen victims total. Apprehended by agents from the FBI Baltimore field office -”
Derek holds up a finger. “And?”
“- and the BAU and the Maryland State Police.”
“Good.”
JJ waits for Derek to nod at her and she continues what you imagine to be a rather embellished version of a story in which Hotch and Reid save the day.
“...And then Hotch just starts kicking the shit out of Spencer -”
Hotch’s office door shuts and he sails down the stairs with one of those little secret smiles. “This one ends with Reid stealing my sidearm and shooting the unsub in the head.” He taps right between his eyebrows in the barest of pauses on his way out of the bullpen. “Dead center.”
Derek and JJ groan, both whining about how he ruined the punchline before devolving into a fit of giggles. You can almost see the smirk on his face as he pushes through the glass door and turns the corner.
You join in the mirth, ruffling Reid’s hair. He smiles widely at you.
Maybe you could just get used to this place.
+++
The second round of classes on top of added case hours (you’re traveling with the unit more often than not) nearly brings you to the brink.
On the plane back to Quantico, you realize you can’t remember the last time you actually had a full night of sleep.
The rest of the unit is out cold, curled into themselves or stretched out under blankets, save for Hotch and Gideon.
Gideon’s writing in that wretched notebook again, entirely focused on his work under the weak reading light.
Aaron sits beside you on the other side of the cabin, looking over a few files before returning home. You watch him check his watch, sigh, shrug, and pull out his phone. To your surprise, he doesn’t move to give himself space as he calls his wife.
“Hey, honey, it’s me… Yeah, we’re on the plane. Should be back within the next hour and a half... “
He sighs and tightly closes his eyes. “Haley, please… Yes, I know Jack’s already asleep… Are you implying I didn’t do my damnedest to - Then what’s your point?...”
His voice never once rises above a low murmur. It’s impressive.
“I’ll be home as soon as I can… No, I won’t pass ‘Go’ or collect two-hundred dollars or step foot into my office… Yes. Plane. Tarmac. Car. Home… Yeah… Love you too.”
He snaps his phone shut and leans back, tipping his head against the headrest.
You stay quiet, continuing your review of S.S.A. Bailey’s course on, ironically, conflict de-escalation.
Hotch takes a talking breath and you look over at him, keeping a kind of soft understanding on your face - really, shooting for anything that isn’t curiosity.
“I appreciate your…” He looks for a word. “Discretion.”
You laugh a little down your nose. “How many times do I have to tell you it’s none of my business?”
“How many times do I have to imply that a phrase like that isn’t in the vocabulary of this team, usually?” He shifts a little, and you notice his thumb, running along his forefinger like he’s searching for bone.
“Is it really that bad?”
Hotch raises his eyebrows, and you relent.
“Fine.” You drop your voice. “Do you want to know what I’ve seen?”
He shrugs. “An outside perspective might be nice.”
You keep your eyes on your book as you speak, keeping your volume low and your tone as neutral as you can.
“I’ve seen how Emily worries about fitting in - I can’t help but relate. This team is a family and it’s… hard to break through that sort-of-wall to the outside world.”
The prickly feeling of his eyes on you isn’t altogether unpleasant, but you still haven’t grown used to it.
“Derek and Spencer are worried about Gideon and,” you glance at him briefly, “so are you. Everyone seems to want to know why, but I don't think that’s always useful.”
Hotch hums once, maybe in agreement - you’re not too sure.
You are sure, though, that this was a test.
“How’d I do, Counselor?”
It’s never too early to invoke the J.D. hanging in a frame behind his desk. It was the first thing you noticed and suddenly, a lot more made sense.
You’re rewarded with a small smile. “Not bad. Though you did forget to drop in the little bit about my marriage.”
“I didn’t forget,” you assure him.
“No?”
“No. I figure if you have something to say, you seem like the kind of person who’d just say it. At least,” you shrug, “that’s my impression.”
He’s quiet for a minute before he squints and looks over your shoulder at your reading. His brown eyes track down the page before returning to yours. He’s close to you, but you’re not uncomfortable.
Hotch is...safe. Somehow.
“There’s a reason you’re the exception. Not sure what it is yet,” he says. “But there’s a reason.”
“What?”
He leans back, a cryptic little smile on his face, and says nothing else for the rest of the flight.
+++
“Hotch, are you sure it’s not a trick question?”
“The questions aren’t designed to trick you,” comes a voice from the doorway. To your surprise, it’s Gideon. “They’re designed to stretch and reveal your instincts. No right answer.”
The corners of his mouth turn down while his eyebrows rise in that kind of halfway-encouraging look he sometimes gets. “Just go with your gut.”
He disappears and you turn back to Hotch, scribbling away in a file.
“He’s right.”
Your brain feels less and less bound to your body as the days pass. “Am I nuts, or is that the most words he’s strung together since I got here, combined?”
What you now know to be a smile twitches at Hotch’s mouth. “You’re not nuts.”
You sigh and turn your attention back to your mock exam, twiddling your pencil between your fingers. “I’m sorry to keep bugging you with homework - it feels like cheating.”
He pulls his phone from his pocket. “Resourcefulness is not cheating. If it was, I’d have to go back and get my J.D. out of a Cracker Jack box.”
You muffle a laugh.
He checks his watch. “I have a check-in with the budget office in five minutes. You’re welcome to stay right where you are, but it’ll be boring and I plan to do a lot of pacing.”
You hold your hands up in surrender and settle in.
Friday afternoons in the office feel a lot like Saturdays in the office - which is to say, nothing happens at all. The rest of the team is catching up on paperwork while Gideon walks laps with his little notebook.
Not three minutes into his conversation, Hotch stands and begins to pace, as promised.
"No, we can't cut the technology budget... Because if the BAU gets called to a remote region, we need to have immediate access to satellite phones and our technical analyst… Yes… Send the budget to the Director, and I'm certain it'll come back approved without changes… The arrest and prosecution rate of this unit is -”
His desk phone rings and he gestures for you to pick it up.
“Agent Hotchner’s office,” you say with more than a little trepidation. You’re definitely not qualified to answer the unit chief’s phone.
“Goddamn it, Aaron why can’t you -” She pauses. “Wait. Sorry. Who is this?”
You introduce yourself. “I’m currently on-assignment with the unit. It’s… unconventional.”
“Hm. Why are you answering Aaron’s phone?” Her tone isn’t accusatory - it’s more curious than that. You’d imagine this doesn’t happen all that often. He’s either at his desk, or he’s not at his desk.
She calls him Aaron.
You’re not sure why that surprises you. They’re married, and he has a first name.
Taking a look across the room, you watch Hotch’s profile as he continues to defend the budget he submitted.
Aaron.
You make an attempt to see the man behind the suit, the man who goes home to his wife and son when he can.
“I’m using his office to study for my academy exams. I’ll see if I can reach Agent Hotchner for you. Just a second.”
She snorts something that could be a laugh if it wasn’t so sharp. “Thanks.”
Hotch looks over and squints at you, mouthing, Who is it?
You put her on hold and answer in a stage whisper. “It’s your wife.”
Hotch freezes for just a second - it almost looks like he’s rebooting.
He blinks three times in rapid succession before he pulls the phone away from his mouth. “Tell her I’m in a meeting. I’ll call her back.” You move to reach for the phone but he holds up a finger and you freeze. “Wait two minutes.”
You follow instructions, taking the time to answer a few more mock exam questions. You try not to think too hard about his avoidance. This doesn’t seem like a particularly pressing phone call - Hotch is in budget meetings all the time.
None of your business.
After about a minute and a half, you pick up the phone again.
Before you can say anything, she’s already back on her mini-rampage. About twenty seconds in, she pauses.
“I’m so sorry. I’m still not talking to my husband, am I?”
De-escalate. Disarm. Establish rapport.
You can do this.
You channel Derek, using a softer tone designed to distract. Maybe you’ll sneak some humor in there, if you can manage it.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hotchner, he’s not available.”
With a defeated sigh, she asks, flatly, “Where is he?”
Humor. Play off her disappointment.
“I assume he’s in a meeting or something - he likes to think he’s very important - but I can’t find him.”
To your surprise, she laughs a little.
You check with Hotch across the room. He rolls his eyes at you but continues his bickering.
Success.
“Can you just… I don’t know… Tell him I called, or something?”
You try not to think too hard about the defeat in her tone. “I promise I’ll badger him to call you back as soon as he’s back at his desk, ma’am.”
“Wow.” She sounds impressed, and you’re not sure why. You’re not left in suspense for long. She continues -
“You’re a way better liar than JJ. Also - please don’t call me ma’am. Makes me feel old. Haley’s just fine.”
“Of course.”
“You know what…” She asks for your cell number and you give it to her, throwing a glance at Hotch for good measure. He’s still pacing.
He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose, but can’t say anything to you before he’s forced to respond to the poor budget clerk who drew the short straw. “No we can’t start sharing hotel rooms…”
Haley interrupts your momentary space-out. “Thanks, again. If he doesn’t have a chance to call me back, can you let him know I’m going to my sister’s for the weekend? With Jack?”
“Sure.”
That’s another question I’m not going to ask.
You hang up the phone and get back to your exam, trying not to feel comforted by the lull of familiarity in the room.
+++
For some reason, you keep finding yourself alone in police precincts in the middle of nowhere with Hotch sitting across the table from you.
“Hey,” he says.
You look up.
“Haley, she…” He heaves a sigh and trails off for a minute, frowning at a spot above your head. “I don’t know why I’m asking, what I’m asking.”
You keep your eyes on him. “Shoot.”
He takes another breath. “I don’t know how to make her happy anymore.”
This is above my pay grade.
“Everything I do seems to irritate her - trying, not trying, just surviving. I don’t know.” He shakes his head at your somewhat bewildered expression. “Sorry, I -”
“No, no, Hotch. It’s fine.” You search for his eyes. “What can I do?”
He shakes his head. “Any advice?”
Any advice? Definitely above my pay grade.
You also feel for him - he wouldn’t be asking if he wasn’t desperate.
Besides that, it almost makes sense he’s asking you rather than anyone else on the team. They’ve all known him too long, have been too close to see his struggles clearly. They need to see him as an authority, separate from petty squabbles.
Separate from the things that make him human.
He needs to be a superhero for this team, and then go home and be a superhero for his family. Both parts of his life exist with a wall between them - Agent Hotchner can’t be a husband and a father in the field, and Mr. Haley Hotchner can’t be an agent at home.
It must be lonely.
Everyone else knows about and ignores that necessary separation. He trusts them as his colleagues, people he can rely on professionally, but perhaps not personally.
Well, all except Emily.
You get the feeling that he doesn’t completely trust Emily yet, but you’re not sure why. That’s another thing to figure out about the walking enigma sitting across from you.
“Well… I’ve never been married, I don’t have kids, but I think…” You search for words.
It’s none of my business, is what you want to say.
Instead, you offer, “Why don’t you just ask her?”
His brow crumples. “What?”
“Ask her. You don’t know how to, I dunno, do it right on your own, it sounds like. But you’re a team, right? Just ask her.”
You duck down to your work, getting the feeling he’d rather not be observed as he processes. There’s a part of you that wonders whether his preference for privacy masks his fear.
Another part of you already knows the answer.
+++
Derek and Emily walk back into the precinct, spotting the pair of you right where they left you.
Hotch still watches you with a soft, curious frown on his face, like there’s a puzzle there he can’t quite solve. You diligently work away, sticking flags and post-its on cold cases for the board.
“What’s with that?”
Emily looks up from her phone. “What’s with what?”
Derek nudges his chin toward the conference room. “That.”
Emily’s brow pinches a little. “They seem to be getting along well.” Her mouth twists. “I didn’t think he’d warm up so easily. He didn’t with me.”
“He gets like that. He’s getting better, though, ever since you called him out.”
She snorts. “You’re kidding. I didn’t think he actually listened - I barely meant it.”
“No, you didn’t.” Derek raises his eyebrows and searches for her eyes. “And he heard you.”
Emily shifts her attention back to you, her posture softening. “Oh.”
“C’mon,” Derek says, tapping her upper back with a good deal of affection. “Let’s regroup and see what we’ve got.”
+++
Aaron sits up in bed, the harsh light from the hotel table lamp illuminating the ugly wallpaper and the case files on the equally ugly bedspread.
His fingers hover restlessly over the keys as he drafts his email, warring with himself.
Does he want you on the team? Permanently? He’s already shown too much of his hand, revealed too much of himself, grew too comfortable too quickly.
He’s not sure what it is about you that forced his guard down.
You’re not the first person he’s asked about Haley, though he must admit that Gideon was next to no help. Spencer’s offered him unsolicited statistics about marital strife on three separate occasions in the past three months.
Aaron presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut.
I live in a circus.
He opens his eyes and reads over the email again.
Fuck it.
His cursor hovers over Send for just a moment before he clicks. The little whooshing sound seals his fate.
+++
You land in Arizona and Gideon’s already on edge. There’s already another crime scene by the time you get off the plane
“This one’s going to be bad, isn’t it?”
Derek sighs. “You’ve got good instincts. Stay close.”
You elect yourself Derek’s shadow at the crime scene, taking notes for him while he circles and observes the body.
Leaning close to him, you ask, “Isn’t the body positioning a sign of remorse?”
He looks over at you with a little smile. “Yeah. Good work.” He looks across the street to Hotch, speaking with the detective. “Do yourself a favor and note that to Hotch. Make sure Gideon hears you.”
+++
This time, you’re alone with Emily in the conference room, helping her pin and organize the board.
“Hey,” she says, something like hesitation in her voice.
You turn. “Yeah?”
“Did Strauss ever…” She trails off and looks over her shoulder as Hotch, Gideon, and Derek come back in from the Arizona heat. They’re on their way to the conference room.
“Did she ever what?”
Emily shakes her head and forces a smile, waving you off. “Nevermind.”
You’re not sure you get the confused look of your face before your colleagues walk through the door.
+++
“Where are they?” Hotch watches the monitor, his eyes flickering, searching for Derek and Emily.
You’re frozen, watching over his shoulder as the woman stabs the unsub, and then herself. Without knowing why, your mind wanders to that question Emily almost asked you the day before.
This isn’t good.
+++
The plane ride home is quiet, tense.
You sit next to Hotch again. There’s not much you can do, but you shoot a text to Haley.
5:42pm We’re flying back. Should be wheels down in Quantico in about four hours.
She texts back after a minute.
5:43pm Thanks.
There’s something off - you don’t like the look of that period, but you try not to read into it too much. You’re all feeling a little unsettled after that case.
Your eyes wander across the cabin.
JJ’s bottom lip is firmly planted between her teeth as she stares out the window.
Spencer’s sitting across from Gideon with a huge book in his lap, but he’s looking at Gideon more than he’s reading.
Gideon, for once, doesn’t have his journal in his hand. He, like JJ, stares out the window, his mouth pinched.
Emily’s eyes are restless, her breathing somewhat irregular. She’s picking at her nails.
“Emily.”
She looks up at you, and you tap the back of your hand with a finger. She looks down, finding her thumb and index finger close to bleeding.
“Thanks.” She looks away from you again.
If you didn’t know better, you’d think the view out the window was the most captivating sight in history.
You know better. It’s just clouds.
Your phone buzzes in your hand. Jenny.
5:58pm How’s it going?
You huff a little laugh down your nose.
5:58pm Rough day.
Hotch breaks his gaze from the window. “What’s up?”
“Just Jenny. She’s checking in.”
He shakes his head and you can hear the sarcasm in his tone. “Good day for it.”
6:01pm If you’re up to it, I’ll be in my office late if you want to swing by and talk about it.
6:02pm I also have booze.
You look up to find Hotch reading over your shoulder. He backs off. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to -”
“No, it’s fine.”
“You should go, if she’s offering.”
You snort. “Should I be job-searching already?”
“I wouldn’t worry about that,” he says with a little smile. “Jenny’s seen a lot. She’s a good resource.”
+++
The Navy yard is quiet as you drive across the campus. The NCIS building isn’t hard to find, but it’s still unfamiliar territory.
When you park and get cleared for access and up the elevator, most of the lights are off on the Major Case Response floor. There are still agents present, working under the warm light of their desk lamps.
A team of four takes up the middle of the bullpen, but they barely look up as you pass them and climb the stairs.
Cynthia isn’t at her desk - gone for the night - and Jenny’s office door is open. She also has her overhead lights turned off, giving her office a cozy, lived-in feel.
“Hey, you,” she says, looking up with a little smile. “Just got the scuttlebutt on that Arizona case. Definitely not ideal, I hear.”
You shake your head, collapsing into a chair on the other side of her desk. “Not ideal is a good way to put it.”
She stands and crosses the office, pouring two small glasses of some amber liquid you know is gonna burn like hell.
You take what she offers and hold in both of your hands, not really interested in drinking it, and follow her to the couch.
“What happened?”
You heave a breath. “Got the call - three murders already. Clearly a preferential offender. All the women were students, brunette, similar features. We already had another crime scene by the time we landed. We used the profile, got the guy.”
Jenny’s brow pinches. “Then?”
“Copycat. Even came with a note exonerating the suspect we had in custody. We had to let him go without a lead on the second suspect.”
She sighs and takes a sip of her bourbon. “Been there.”
“We were surveilling him, waiting for him to do something stupid - we knew he would. The copycat confronted him… She was suicidal. Stabbed him, then herself. We were too late.”
“Oh, my God.”
You level her with an exhausted look. “Yeah.”
“How’s your team?”
“Tired, mostly.” You offer a humorless laugh. “Maybe in a more existential way than a physical way, not that any of us have slept…”
The two of you chat into the early hours of the morning. She’s had more than one day like this, in more than one country.
“It’s days like this that make you question whether you’ve chosen the right line of work.” She looks over at a picture of herself in front of the Eiffel Tower, resting on her bookshelf. “But the good days…”
“They make it worth it, don’t they?”
The corner of her mouth tips up in a smile. “Yeah. They do.”
+++
You find a text from Haley when you get back into the car, not realizing you left it in the center console cup holder.
10:38pm Thanks for getting him home safe. Get some sleep.
+++
When you come in the next morning almost embarrassingly late, Gideon’s office is still dark.
You’re not even really sure you should be here in the first place, what with the major fuckup hanging over everyone’s heads. The last thing you want to do is go home to your room, back to those four tiny walls and textbooks, even after everything. The bullpen, this team, has become your safety net.
They should all be here, but there’s only one absence striking you as particularly odd. “Where’s Gideon?”
Spencer shrugs, spinning half-circles in his desk chair. He looks despondent, staring at the carpet. You don’t see Emily or Derek, but you assume they’re somewhere.
Weird.
You set your things down and head up the stairs, knocking twice on Hotch’s door.
“Yeah?” He looks up and sees you, relaxing a little.
You take a little breath. “Should I be here today?”
“Do you want to be here today?” There’s something behind his voice you can’t quite place. It almost sounds like insecurity, like he’s worried he’s scared you off.
Far from it.
“I do, sir. I want to be here.” You think of Jenny, and hope he can hear more than you can say. “It’s worth it.”
You think maybe you’re figuring him out a little more. He smiles more often than you’d think, but you have to know what it looks like. This look - the softening of his eyes and the corners of his mouth, the slight crease at the corners of his eye, the threat of a dimple - is just as big a smile for him as Morgan’s human-sunshine smile.
“Then stick around. I’ll have you work on some mock consults with Reid and Prentiss - you’ll be doing a lot of those in the next few months until you’re ready to take them on by yourself.”
“I’ll go pick them up from JJ. They’re in her office, right?”
He nods and you turn to leave, but you’re stopped by the sound of your name before you can get through the door. “Yeah?”
“You’ve performed remarkably well, no matter what happens after this.”
The side of your mouth twists. “Thank you, sir.”
+++
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