#and like admittedly i needed to take space after all that i don't regret it

[bunnyboy-juice]

):

[keefwho]

May 30 - 2024 Thursday

10:36pm

5/10

Last night I recorded a good morning voice message for DS because I felt like it. Doing small little things like that is important for me because usually I'd refrain in case its too silly or something. My prompt yesterday was "let your voice be heard" and I did, literally. Its a very small thing but the intent behind it is large.

This morning I took the dogs out and showered. I made a frozen breakfast sandwich for lunch but I cut up my own onions for it and applied some hot sauce. Usually I'd eat something with it to help it agree with my tummy but I figured I could without because I wanted to eat small meals today since I've been up a couple pounds. My body handled it okay it seems. I had watched a sorta beginner art course video that explained using large areas and then using ovals to define planes easily which is exactly what i've been doing on my own.

To warm up today, I filled in all the little space left on my sketch sheet with rough gestures. Then I finished a YCH edit, did a YCH for 57, and readied a couple commissions for next month.

After work I spent time before lunch contacting people, doing some chores, and tending to my patreon. It was a very productive hour. For lunch I made soup and a grilled cheese. I gave myself ample time to chill and take a break since I actually felt like I earned it. Unfortunately I didn't know what I wanted to chill with so I watched an unsatisfying stream. The guy I like watching lately has starting playing CS:GO and similar games which actually melt my brain to watch. It's soooooo boring.

I finished this Celestia AI redraw I was working on this afternoon and worked on this Zelda drawing I had on the backburner. I asked TK if she wanted to call but she wasn't up for it today so I joined BR's server vc even though it was empty. I really needed to socialize because so few people have been around lately in general. BT joined but he's kinda weird and info dumps about stuff. Also nearly pulled me into the drama he's in surrounding other server members that I know nothing about. I also worked on my pony avatar for an hour.

After work I left the VC to play Cities Skylines. I got a couple new mods that might be crashing the game so I think I'll remove them. Admittedly I barely planned on using them. I asked DS if she wanted to chill and we did. I played Cities for a bit until it crashed, trying to relax and just have fun instead of making it feel like a chore or exercise. I realize I should be opening google earth and looking up locations for inspiration. It usually makes it very fun but feels like "cheating" as stupid as that sounds. Its the kind of mindset I want to let go of for any game I play. Its just a GAME I am PLAYing. Anyways she put on the 4 current episodes of season 2 of Smiling Friends which was a blast. Then we watched highlights of Oneyplays roasting the Nostalgia Critic and I suggested we watch a video of his so I have better context of who he actually is. I've always heard about him but never watched him. Then we did our puzzles before she headed off to bed since she has to wake up extra early tomorrow. I looked back on our evening feeling bad that I was so mellow and uninteresting. Its because I don't have anything on my mind to talk about lately with anyone really. Like I haven't taken in any new information to use. Its also possible I'm not treating myself with enough respect to speak my mind. Maybe I'm just thinking about things I don't think are worth sharing. Or maybe it's okay to have nothing on my mind really so I can just enjoy whatever is happening.

I tried playing some Roblox but my internet was cutting out like 1 out of every 3 minutes. I joined BR's server where they were watching the old ninja turtles movie which they still are as I write this.

My parents got home today so I don't have to tend to the dogs anymore. I did very good work today which I'm proud of, I have no regrets about my work ethic today. I just hope I can get out of this social rut, I don't feel like Im building relationships at all.

[angelamajiki]

PARINGS: Brother! Tamaki Amajiki x Female! Sister! Reader

CW: yandere, incest, stealthing, con to noncon, quirk play, riding, manipulation, possessiveness, slight angst, implied kidnapping

AN: thank you to @suzuki-violin-school for beta reading!! @sightoru @bonesoftheimpala come get y’all juice

You always had a strange relationship with your big brother, seeming to be just a touch close for your parent’s liking. But the pair of you never paid too much mind to it. Something about it just felt natural and right. You were thick as thieves, always confiding and comforting each other when no-one else seemed well enough to do the job.

When you ran to your brother’s house the second your first boyfriend broke up with you for a completely arbitrary reason, leaving you to cry on your nii-san’s shoulder to deal with your heartache.

“I told you he was no good for you, bunny. I knew from the start that something was wrong with him. There’s no one that’s good enough for my baby sister.”

Then it happened again. And again. And again, until it seemed like every partner you’ve ever had lost interest after the first few months of your relationship. It was devastating to feel unloved and unwanted, but at least you had your big brother to make everything better. Tamaki always reminded you how much he loved you, how smart and intelligent you were, how anyone would be lucky to have you, and the people who have dumped you were complete fools to not see what a gem you were.

And anyone would be lucky to have your big brother; you reminded him as well. The number seven pro hero who had finally blossomed into a confident, top-tier hero with a heart of gold. He was so strong, not to mention a heartthrob. Maybe it felt wrong to be jealous of the attention he gets from the media for his work along with his looks. Still, maybe it was because you knew better than anyone else that one day, the devotion he showed towards you would be the devotion he showed towards his own partner.

Not that you ever planned to tell him you didn’t want his undivided attention to be cast elsewhere, but just like everything else about your relationship, it flowed out naturally when you were crying about your recent first date that had ghosted you after dinner.

“Tama-nii, I’m never going to find someone! Why does no one want me?”

You sobbed into his chest, clinging to him like you did when you were a child, searching for the lost innocence of your youth in his arms. His strong hands embraced you without question, without judgment, as he kissed the top of your head tenderly while shushing you gently.

“Oh, bunny. That’s not true at all-”

What could he know about your struggle? The media treats him like the very man who hung the stars in the sky, and how could you blame them? He was the moon, the very embodiment of tenderness that waxes and wanes with a gentle, shimmering brilliance that you can’t help but hide in the shadows of.

“Yes, it is! What could you possibly know of not being wanted when you’re just going to end up leaving me like everyone else does?” His silence spoke louder than your own sobbing. “One day, you’ll find someone and leave me to be alone again because no one wants me!”

His hand, that touch you’ve become so familiar with, gently strokes your lower back.

“Who said I don't want you? You're making assumptions, little bunny.”

His words tickled your ear, got your heart racing as he quelled your cries of anguish. “Because I certainly do.”

Nimble fingers tilted your chin up to meet his soft gaze, lust clouding his eye like the calm before the storm.

“B-But not like that-”

“Exactly like that.”

His words lit a fire in your core, but forced ice to run through your veins. Your brother could never have you in the way you wanted him to, the way you needed him to.

“It's not that simple.” You choked out, straining to contain yourself from your fleeting desires. This fleeting feeling of weakness can't let you risk your relationship with your brother, or worse, let him be your everything for just a moment and watch him walk away when he's done. “We can't.”

“And why is that? Isn't it obvious that I'm not going anywhere unless I'm with you?”

His face inched closer to yours, a blush splattering his pale skin up to his ears.

“It’s wrong-”

Your eyes flicked to his lips for a brief moment as you found yourself frozen.

“Not if I love you.”

Plush lips sealed over yours, enveloping you in the tenderness you'd had always envied him for. The love, the obsession he had for you had come crashing down in waves over you as you kissed him back, eager to feed off his affection and attention.

Teeth and tongue clashed together in a messy display of the taboo; hips pushed flush against each other as you whined into his mouth, sobbing in the relief of finally feeling yearned for.

The question of whether or not it was right wasn't plaguing you anymore, not like it did you when you scorned yourself for the infectious desires that coiled in your core late at night. His love cleansed you, cured you of your ailment as his tongue and lips made their way to your neck.

Sweet nothings tickled your ear as he nibbled and kissed along your tender flesh, leaving bright pink spots in his loving wake. The tears from your eyes dripped onto his hair, but neither of you seemed to care.

“Don't cry, my love.”

His words were like a symphony, enthralling you with the melody that he carried in his voice and the song he sung to soothe your overwhelmed state. “Let your big brother take care of you, okay?”

Clothes were discarded in a flurry, tossed somewhere beyond the couch the two of you were grinding on. His hands were so strong, yet so gentle as you were carried like a princess, his princess, to his bed where he no doubt intended to indulge in every one of your desires.

Your knight in shining armor kissed you breathless under the moonlight that trickled through the window, casting his shadow over you. Even now, he stole the limelight but you couldn't find it in yourself to care this time, not when he touched you so lovingly.

Nimble fingers kneaded and pulled at your plump flesh, making their ways down to the wetness between your legs. Shame flushed your face as he throatily chuckled. “Wet for me already, imouto? You're flattering your nii-san.”

The pad of his thumb circled your clit gently, sharp eyes watching as your body jolted and twitched at the sensation. “You’re acting as though you've never been touched before.”

You hear the smile in his voice without even seeing it. It only served to flush your shame even further, avoiding the eyes that were fucking you with everything they had.

“Don’t take those pretty eyes off of me.”

His middle finger prodded gently at your hole, teasing the twitching thing with circles of his forefingers. Shyly, your eyes turned to him, begging, pleading for him to stop teasing already!

And how could he deny such an unspoken request from the love of his life? Tamaki already knew what you wanted before you even did, he always did. He’s been able to read you like a book, already knowing what would be on the next page before it was written.

Still, he liked to tease, or more so needed to. It would fuel him like no other to finally hear you beg for him, beg for the love only he knew how to give you. Not that he would be so selfish to deny you of all that you wanted, he was more than prepared to spoil his lovely princess.

But, the man couldn't deny the inklings of his insecurities coming back to bite him. There was a chance that you could regret this later, that you would run far from his reach the second the realization that you slept with your brother donned on you. Tamaki wouldn't have it, now or ever.

Your moans drew him back to the present as his finger pumped in and out of you, dragging along your spongy, wet walls that gripped him oh so nicely. He could hardly handle the anticipation of getting to feel you around his cock.

“N-Nii-san! I can't wait, want you inside!”

Your broken cry sent a shudder down his spine and a jump to his cock. Such a desperate little thing you were, but you were his desperate little thing.

Maneuvering the both of you, he sat you in his lap while holding your ass flush to his hips.

“You know what to do, pretty girl.”

Swallowing thickly, you pulled his cock out of his boxers and positioned yourself to sink down on it.

“Y-You’ll pull out, right?”

“Of course, imouto.”

That was all you needed. Determined to please him, you pushed just the tip in before sitting all the way down on it. A choked gasp filled the space as you felt the fullness of your brother’s cock inside of you.

“S-So full, nii-san!” He stretched you perfectly, letting any pain fade comfortably into pleasure.

It was then that Tamaki decided he would ruin you, not only for himself but for anyone else who dared to think they would be able to please you.

As you ground your hips down into his, you couldn't help but start to feel him grow inside you. Was this normal for sex?

“Ah! Hold on, it's really starting to hurt nii-san.”

Your hips lifted off of his, only to be slammed back down by those strong hands you've come to love.

“Just relax, princess. I'm doing this because I love you.”

Admittedly, this was his first time to try to manifest this part of his body, but he had to try for you, didn't he? Your future with him depended on it. The kiss he pressed to your temple was to soothe himself more than you, focusing on the horse meat he had eaten early that day just after you called him.

He shushed your struggles, hugging you close and stroking the ever-growing bulge in your stomach as he completed his manifestation.

“There we go.” He kissed your cries of the pain away. “It’s okay, you’re okay, princess.”

You had to understand that he was doing this for both of you. He’d ruin that cunt of yours, make it so no man other than Tamaki and his quirk could ever satisfy you.

“You were made to my cock, and mine alone, princess. I'll make you see that.”

The pain was nearly unbearable as he began to thrust up into you, hitting your cervix with the strange cock head he had produced. His hand stayed flush to the bulge on your stomach, stroking it gently as he pounded into you from below.

Your cries and moans meshed together in a perfect melody, one that was always destined to be sung by the both of you, together as one.

Neither of you were going to last long, not with his quirk in play.

“Oh God, I'm gonna cum, princess!” His thrusts became erratic, pounding into you with a new vigor.

“Y-You promised to pull out!” You cried in frustration, feeling his cum fill you up to the brim and dripping out of even with his cock still inside. Tamaki thumbed at your clit to help push you over the edge as he shrunk his cock back down, feeling you cum around him with a cry and shaky legs.

He pulled out, looking at the bulge his cum inside you left behind as he pushed on it gently, watching it gush out of you.

“Now no one else will ever want you.”

[backjustforberena]

The Amnesia fic is brilliantly written. The author has such a great voice for them both in all their fic. And such wonderful descriptions of them both and all the turmoil etc. There are lines of their fic that still stick with me(and to be honest your fic reminds me a lot of theirs. All fantastically written and full of angst 😅 I love it). It was such a shame the author became so disillusioned with the ship and the show 😬

I 100% agree. It's wonderful in the way that it allows both women the space to truly process what they've gone through and where they want to be. And it's something that we'll never get in the show, except, perhaps, on Serena's side, after their Nairobi break up. Or with Kiev itself. It's their lives without the other. Or with the other, but not as a couple. Honestly, I love digging into that feeling of how that sort of love becomes, not a need, but a want. And how that is immediately more healthy and perhaps even more valid and important. It becomes a choice of being perfectly happy alone, but being so much better when you can be with the person you want.

Some lines still stick with me. Admittedly, on of the first is Serena going "Oh, piss off, Guy." because I can SEE it in my head. But there are great ones where Raf and Serena discuss Serena's treatment of Bernie post-Kiev, and when Bernie just casually says she loves Serena and Serena is *dying*.

I will take that compliment! I only wish my writing were that good. Though I actually do have a WIP Amensia fic where Bernie is slowly recovering from Mogadishu, finds her way to Holby and slowly remembers everyone BUT Serena and Serena does not know the best way to handle it. That's all outlined, beginning middle and end but it's a bit crap, frankly.

It's a shame that a lot of fic writers got disillusioned. I don't blame them. I certainly did for a while there. There was a trust broken with that whole Leah rubbish. And then killing Bernie off. My username is right, I only came back because they brought Bernie back from the dead and put them back together and the unexplored areas of that to me are just... fascinating.

I've recently been watching some clips with Serena and Adrienne and thinking about what would have happened if Serena had acted like that when overseeing Bernie's treatment or recovery or what. Especially if they still weren't a couple in those early months. Bernie might have come to slightly regret asking Serena to be called when Serena starts shouting at a fellow army medic about how vulnerable Bernie is or something ;)

[carewyncromwell]

I don't know if you want to talk about this (and feel free to ignore this if you don't want to answer), but I wanted to ask which side of the Ethren mess you're on? I know in the beginning you were on his side, but I've seen so much hate and so many accusations and I don't know what to believe anymore, and I trust your judgement

I have to be honest -- when I first saw that a blog had been created with the specific purpose of “calling out” someone in the HPHM fandom...I blocked it.

I come to this fandom largely to escape from the real world. It’s been one of the few remaining sanctuaries I’ve had during this quarantine and from my own mental health problems. I’ve made a lot of friends in this community, and I feel very strongly about putting out more positive content than negative, as well as trying to digest more positive than negative. I don’t like the thought of a stranger posting stuff online about someone else who -- let’s be honest -- nobody truly knows unless they actually physically know them IRL. Unless one wants to go down an entire rabbit hole of getting to know a person uncomfortably well, there’s not much anyone can do to prove what’s true. And I know it sounds really immature and selfish of me, but...I was never that interested in learning much about this fandom’s members’ personal lives, excluding what the friends I’ve made have been willing to confide in me on a case by case basis. I have plenty of my own drama happening over here on my side, and I just want to have fun roleplaying with people’s characters and making content for both mine and theirs. It’s been one of the few things that helped me fight back my untreated and severe chronic depression after being furloughed from my job thanks to the COVID-19 shutdown. My job had been my escape, and without it, I was drowning -- one of my only life preservers was making content for this blog. So for my own mental health, I shut out the negativity, because I wasn’t emotionally or mentally able to deal with it. And admittedly, it felt to me as though this sort of thing really shouldn’t be handled online when -- again -- this sort of thing seems like it’d be better handled in the real world and the legal system, rather than in the court of mostly anonymous public opinion. And it also feels kind of nasty to reblog content from people online who simply liked the character Ethren Whitecross and made fan content for him, just to harangue them for it. It’s like attacking all Harry Potter fans for being transphobic just because they enjoyed something created by a trans-exclusionary radical feminist -- particularly when in the case of Ethren, the vast majority of us don’t know Ren personally. One could’ve related to Ethren’s story without knowing anything about his creator, and people did, often not because of any kind of malevolent reasons.

After receiving this message, though, I unblocked the blog in question and read some more of their posts. When I’d first blocked it, the only post of theirs I saw in the HPHM tag came across as rather hostile, and combined with Ren’s blog saying that an ex was stalking him, I don’t think it’s unsurprising that some people were initially warded off by it. But reading some of the other stuff written on that blog since...I must acknowledge there’s a lot of troubling stuff there. It made me very upset, and made me kind of regret that I’d initially jumped into making a stance without hearing both sides. But at the same time, considering that someone from outside the fandom had arrived specifically to target someone in the fandom, supposedly on behalf of someone else who also had no ties to the fandom, it looked a lot like cyberbullying to me at the time. Now it’s very clear there’s more to the story, and for that initial leap to judgment, I am sorry. I wasn’t in a place where I understood fully what the discussion was about before I took a side, and that’s something I should know better than to do.

But I think this comes down to, in the end, my answer to your question, regarding sides.

I don’t want to take a side -- because I didn’t come to the HPHM fandom to fight people. I came here to be happy.

I know someone could read this as cowardly and ignorant, but please, understand that I thought long and hard about this. This place has been a safe space for me, and I understand it has been for others as well -- a place where we can go to enjoy art and fanfiction for something we enjoy and roleplay as new, interesting characters with other people who have similar interests and creative leanings. I thoroughly understand that it can’t truly be a safe space if we allow people who would threaten other people’s safety into it, and I also thoroughly understand that people can include problematic aspects of themselves into their characters along with good things (just look at how J.K.’s apparent subliminal views on the LGBT+ community influenced how she’s handled Dumbledore). Both things are definitely things to be aware of, and it’ll be an ongoing struggle to try to propagate a truly welcoming and positive, and yet safe and supportive community. There will always be shadows and dark spots that aren’t easy to see, just like with all fandoms, and it’s good to now and again take the time to examine them.

But to quote a line from one of my favorite songs, “it’s hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead.”  I cannot log onto my computer and into this fandom every day and think about openly attacking someone else, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. This feels like something that the victim should handle herself in the real world, and I truly hope that she finds peace in whatever path she takes. But that is her story to tell, to write, and to play out -- it’s not mine. Mine is a story I have written and am still writing, where I’ve tried to find a way to be happy and be a good person despite everything in my life that has made that so difficult. And so I truly feel the only way I can approach this situation is to not let the things that hurt and drain me have power over my life, and put my energy toward things that build me up instead. I try not to visit tags or places online that could be triggering, and simply enjoy the things I do like. I’ve stopped spending money on things Harry Potter-related because of Jo’s stance on transgender rights, but still engage in the HP fandom and celebrate what is good in the original material and especially what its fandom has made out of it. In this case, I will simply do the same, particularly since from the look of things, Ren’s blog is no longer around for anyone to interact with anyway, positively or not. I’ll engage with blogs whose work I can still enjoy and give me some light when I most need it, and try my best to keep creating more light of my own for others. I will light candles, and little by little, I’d like to think the room will be bright enough that the dark will be significantly smaller and less scary than it was.

I understand if any of you disagree with or are angry about anything I’ve said. I know “playing both sides” is not a great thing to do, and I truly don’t mean to. But I’m afraid I do have to take my own side here, for my own mental and emotional well-being. I responded to this Ask because I felt like saying nothing would’ve truly been the cowardly thing to do, by pretending the issue isn’t there at all. I’m not pretending it isn’t there -- but I do think it’s a battle I’m ill-equipped to engage in, not because of my personal morals, but because I don’t feel emotionally able to play the role of judge, jury, and executioner in this court of public opinion.

[hawthornewhisperer]

okay! i'm SUPER curious on your thoughts about the more controversial aspects of yen's fertility and the ableism. i've seen so many people who HATE yen talk about it, so obviously i don't trust their judgement. but i know you love her, so i feel like your take will be genuine. that is if you feel comfortable sharing!

Sure thing! But I want to include a disclaimer first: the ableism storyline in particular is not something I have personal experience with, so while I will do my best to express my own personal issues with the way it was handled, my thoughts are in no way a replacement for the thoughts of actual people with disabilities, whose voices should be considered with far, far more weight than mine.

Another disclaimer: I’ve only ever seen the show, so I have no idea what is show-only and what is also drawing from the books. (It’s my understanding her backstory was majorly beefed up for the show, but that’s the full extent of my knowledge.)

(this got long so it’s below the cut. TW for infertility and ableism).

We’ll start with Yen’s infertility plotline.  Early on, she sacrifices her uterus as part of her transformation, although now that I’m thinking about it I’m a little unclear about what she got in exchange-- was it “beauty” or “the ability to not age” or “more magical power”? It doesn’t really matter, though, because basically we had a woman giving up her ability to be a mother (via pregnancy and childbirth) in exchange for power, which is unfortunately a very old, very misogynistic trope. It plays into the idea that women can either be mothers *or* they can be powerful, and also that powerful women are somehow unfit to be mothers. None of that is good, quite frankly, but I will say the fact that Geralt is *also* infertile (and the reason he gives for it on the dragon hunt) does help mitigate that a little bit. It also implies that pregnancy and childbirth is the *only* way to become a mother, although it seems the show is aiming to undercut that so I’ll reserve judgment on that front for now.

Then, somewhere around the incident with the djinn, she decides she wants her uterus back. I was super thrown when Jaskier said she was painting an *amphora* on her abdomen, as to me that was pretty clearly a uterus/fallopian tubes/ovaries-- which does admittedly look like a double handled amphora-- and even after having watched the episode twice I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be mistaken or if I am. I went into the show having heard there was a bit of a yikesy infertility plotline, so that definitely colored my impressions. But now that I think about it, I don’t know if her uterus/lack thereof is actually discussed in that episode? She is more interested in the general concept of *power* and is clearly searching for a new meaning for her life, but I’d definitely buy that her desire for a baby isn’t fully articulated until they go on the dragon hunt.

A lot of the critiques I’ve seen of her storyline revolve around the fact that her change of heart comes out of nowhere, and honestly, it sort of does. We have no hint in the first four episodes that Yennefer has particularly strong feelings about children, childbearing, or motherhood. (Full disclosure: I had to fast forward through almost all the scenes with the baby in episode 4 because children in peril, especially babies, is something I just Cannot Handle in my escapist media. Quite possible I missed something there). So in episode six when Yennefer is suddenly desperate for a cure for her infertility, it strikes a lot of people as another echo of an old misogynistic trope: that women who decided not to have children will *always* regret it, and moreover, they must be punished for their choices.

And honestly? I can definitely see why people read it that way and are upset, because our culture tends to be very reductive and paternalistic about women’s choices around their fertility. I have *lots* of cisgender female friends who have never, ever wanted kids and have been told over and over again that they’ll “change their minds” or will one day regret their choice when it’s too late. And that’s super, super shitty, and I get being annoyed when a show seems to play into that exact narrative.

Now, *for me* (a woman who fairly recently gave birth to a daughter, who definitely wanted a child), what saved the entire storyline was the post-coital conversation where Yen admits she just wants to be important to someone. Yennefer is intensely lonely, and she’s never truly belonged to anything resembling a family. I can buy that after several decades alone, she’s sick of it. And I can also buy that she’d think a baby would be a perfect solution, as babies *do* love you unconditionally and goddamn it’s the best thing in the world (to me), and Yennefer has always struggled with people not thinking she’s enough. I see how attractive that solution (trust me, babies think their parents are the *entire world*) would be to a lonely, loner woman, and I like that it gives her a space to acknowledge her feelings have changed over time. Her journey is about finding a *family* and I read her infertility plotline as a first step to Yennefer eventually finding a family in a way she never expected, and so for me, it ultimately worked. But I also get why it didn’t work for others!

Okay, now the ableism storyline, which is a lot trickier for me to parse. Basically, she undergoes an incredibly painful physical transformation to be more conventionally beautiful, which implies there was something wrong with her before or that there’s something innately *lesser* about having a physical disability.  It’s presented as essentially par for the course for all mages to go through an “attaining physical perfection” process (Sabrina’s boobs get bigger, right? I’m not imagining that?) but Yennefer wasn’t just making her tits bigger.  And when it comes to people with disabilities, this is basically saying “your life would be more worthwhile and you would be more desirable if you were able-bodied,” which is a profoundly ableist way of thinking.  It also draws on the “magical cure for disabilities” trope, which I know a *lot* of people with disabilities have spent a lot of time deconstructing exactly how and why that’s painful for them. But for me, it’s enough to know that trope is painful for others, and therefore it’s best to be avoided. (I do think we still need to make space for people with disabilities to invert/twist/deconstruct/use this trope in their own art, but that’s a whole different conversation.)

And honestly? I think the biggest problem is I doubt anyone thought too hard about it. They were going for a big, showstopping transformation moment like Yennefer had at that ball, and they worked backwards from there to engineer a way for that reveal to have as much impact as possible. (From what I’ve heard, there’s some vague references to her having some sort of physical disability in the books but most of it is the show’s invention).  They didn’t want it to be just “she has a scar on her face that’s gone” or “her nailbeds no longer suck,” they wanted her transformation to be splashy and astonishing, and were only thinking about it from an ableist perspective that having a physical disability would be the worst thing possible.  And that sucks!  It’s hurtful to people with disabilities, and I genuinely wish the show had thought through it more.  

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Like I said, I’m still grappling with the best way to handle those two storylines in fic (especially in non-canon set stories, which is probably going to be most of my stuff) and so if anyone has any guidance, I’m all ears.

[the-ipre]

"You don't seem like yourself" for the prompts!

“You don’t seem like yourself,” Kravitz said, and a laugh tore its way from Taako’s throat.

“Can’t imagine what would make you say that.” They were walking through a town together, arms linked, and sure Taako’s nails might be digging a bit too much into Kravitz’s arm, and his hat might have been pulled a bit lower than normal, but who could blame him. The last time that he had been through Glamour Springs, he hadn’t exactly been a hit.

Well- he had been, was the thing. He’d been a hit, and then he really, really wasn’t.

Even though he kept his gaze directly ahead, vision cut off by the purple tulle brim of his wizard’s hat, Taako could feel Kravitz’s gaze shift towards him. He could picture the look of concern, the not-quite-joking face that said I see you, and as Kravitz opened his mouth Taako pulled his arm away to point to a halfling child skipping around a corner up ahead. “Oh, would you look at that, is that a lich? We should regroup somewhere else so that you can tell bird mom about it.”

“I really don’t think that she’s a lich, Taako,” Kravitz said, looking like he wanted to link arms again but not quite trusting himself to.

Taako hummed, lifting the brim of his hat so that his dramatic eyebrow raise could reach its full effect. “That’s what you say, bones, but you didn’t think my umbrella could hold a lich, which, it did.” He let out a gasp, breath slightly strained with trying to keep his act together. “Does that make me the new death detective?”

“You’d have to take that up with the Raven Queen, darling, but I don’t think that-” Before he could continue talking, probably intending to say something that would cut right to the heart of Taako’s bullshittery, another voice rang out.

“Taako?” The elf in question put on a smile, a touch more brilliant than usual, and turned, but his expression froze in place as the man kept going. “From Sizzle it Up?”

Twitching his fingers behind his back, Taako made an illusory version of himself walk out of an alley near the man and his friends, because of course, he had brought multiple people to come harass the most talented elf this side of the planar system.

“No, I’m not Taako, but-” He gasped, a proper stage gasp that he would have been proud of some other time. “Is that Taako?”

He pointed to the fake-Taako that was, admittedly, not the best replica – especially as it was only four feet tall, with a short hat – but it waved, putting a dramatic hand to its mouth.

The head of the group, a human man in his late fifties, spared the not-Taako a glance before looking back to where the real one stood next to Kravitz, who was looking confused, increasingly worried, and thoroughly unprepared for the situation. “I don’t think so.” He started to approach, and Taako linked arms with Kravitz again, who, gods bless him, put a reassuring hand on Taako’s grip. “Do you know who I am?”

“Can’t say I do, homie-”

“Right, ‘cause I wasn’t at your show. My wife was, though, with our kid. I wonder if you’d recognize them?”

As the man talked, Taako’s breath was tight in his chest, and he tightened his grip on Kravitz as he muttered under his breath. “Can you get us back home?”

“What?”

“Can you get us out of here?” Taako’s voice was a hiss as he looked back over at the man, who was still talking, still approaching, and he felt like he was peeling out of his skin, layer by layer. “Please?”

A scythe rippled through the air, no more questions asked, the man disappeared behind the quicksilver-swirling void, and Kravitz pulled Taako through behind him.

Back home in their comforting apartment, cloudy sunlight creeping through one of the full length windows and outlining the furniture in gold, Taako was doing his best not to make eye contact with Kravitz. Bad enough that he’d started to fall apart back there, bad enough that he could still picture any number of mother-and-child from his last show that the man might have been referring to, but one difficult straw on the whole shitty stack was that-

Well, for all that he’d told Kravitz about his past and his mistakes, he hadn’t quite brought this one up. It had always seemed so big, forty deaths, and then it wasn’t his fault! But…he had still been the one to serve those people their last meal. He’d been the one to see shit turn south and tuck tail and run. He’d been the one who should have done something, but.

He hadn’t.

Taako had helped save the entire universe, but he hadn’t been able to save forty fucking people.

“Well, I’m going to start dinner-”

“Are you okay?” 

“How does salad sound-” Taako’s voice overlapped with Kravitz as they started talking at the same time. “Ah, sorry, cut you off there. What were you saying?”

Kravitz leaned back against the kitchen counter, and even as Taako turned his back to open a cabinet he could feel his boyfriend’s stare. “Well, uh, that was something of a- a quick evac, if you will.” His voice was slipping back into a British accent, seeming just as uncomfortable with the topic as Taako was, but he wasn’t going to let it go quite so easily. “Anything that I should know about?”

Taako laughed, high-pitched enough that it squeaked, and he set two plates down so hard that he was a bit amazed they didn’t chip. It would have been easy enough to fix, he had magic powers after all, but he didn’t need that extra hint of crappiness. “Yeah, darling, I’m just peachy. I didn’t kill those people, after all, I wasn’t the one who poisoned ‘em. I was just the one who took the fall and had a hand in their deaths and fed them chicken that should have been the best chicken of their life but instead it was their last. ‘M all good, though,” he said, shoulders tensing and voice straining as he moved around the kitchen faster, keeping himself grounded because this was his home, gods damn it, and he wasn’t going to fall apart in his own fucking apartment just because he might have to face some consequences for his actions. 

As he caught sight of his reflection in the glass of the window, he saw the man’s face again, bitter and angry and still hurting, and he had to turn away.

There was a pause, and Taako could almost hear the clack of the beads in Kravitz’s dreads as he fiddled with them in thought. “Well, I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to arrest my boyfriend for death crimes.”

Taako let out a laugh, a little less hysterical than the last, because wouldn’t that be just the fucking thing – Lup’s the actual lich, but he’s the one who gets got. “I sure hope not too, Krav.” In a distant part of his mind, he realized that his shoulders were shaking, grown painful and tense without his attention. 

He turned, and there was a quiet Kravitz next to him, smile quirked to one side as he held out a hand toward’s Taako’s shoulder. “May I?” Taako nodded, feeling the palms descend onto him and fingers pressing into the muscle, and he forced himself to relax. It hurt, but in a good way. It wasn’t the sharpness of dropped plates, of harsh breaths, of regret and guilt and running and displaced blame. 

It was just a dull, constant pressure, and it was the kind of thing that would eventually ease the pain.

Eventually, Taako’s fingers stopped flickering so frantically, and he let himself relax back into Kravitz, just a bit. Things were quiet and still, two plates left out on the counter and a bag of lettuce sitting on the cutting board, fingers simply resting on muscles instead of pressing down, and when Taako cleared his throat he felt Kravitz’s grip tighten, just a touch. An acknowledgment that he was there. It was sweet, and didn’t make him feel quite so boxed in, and Taako turned around to put his hands on Kravitz’s waist and make eye contact. 

“So, after the…back when I first got here, I was a traveling chef, and, I’m not afraid to say it, I was kind of hot shit.” He let out a laugh, a bit more real than those before, smile quirking up on one side as he remembered the early days. They had been good, was the thing, riding around and showing off, and it was almost like he had Lup but not quite but it was fine because he hadn’t needed anybody but himself. As he kept talking, his expression started to freeze so it wouldn’t fall. “After a while, I picked up an assistant, because the world couldn’t handle pure, uncut Taako. Had to be diluted a bit, you know. For the safety of the masses. Of course.”

Swallowing, Taako brushed his thumbs against Kravitz’s sides, maintaining eye contact because if he didn’t have that, he might have just shut up then and there, and he couldn’t do that. He actually cared about Kravitz, about the gentle pressure on his shoulders and the look that said I want you to feel safe and the laugh that curled on the edge of his throat just in case, and he couldn’t brush past this shit forever.

Standing quiet in their shared kitchen, outlined in gold and rose and amber as the sun began to set, words falling into the space between two bodies, Taako told Kravitz the truth of his last show at Glamour Springs.

[minijenn]

62. "Please Don't Cry." Dipper and Lapis post-Stonemason.

61: “Thisis all my fault” + 62: “Please don’t cry”

There were several promises Lapis had made to Dipper when shemanaged to convince him to stay at the barn for the night. Among these promiseswere the possibility for several calming flights through the night sky, thechance to stay up as late as he wanted, and just a general chance to relax andtake his mind off of everything. She had also promised him that Peridot wouldbe scarce, for obvious reasons, and for the most part she was amidst helpingFord with a project over at the shack. But above all else, Lapis had promisedthat there would be no mention of Homeworld, of Yellow Diamond, or most of all,of Stonemason, whatsoever. And this was a promise the blue Gem kept to theletter, refusing to so much as bring up anything even remotely related to the traumathat Dipper was still going through at the risk of upsetting him even more. Asfar as Lapis was concerned, their much-needed time together was going ratherwell; in fact, if she didn’t know any better, she would have thought thatDipper almost looked content, happy even.

Until, of course, the façade he had been trying so hard tokeep up finally crumbled completely.

They were sitting together on the roof, a brilliant, endlessarray of stars shining before them in a nightscape that reminded Lapis of thoseearly days over a year ago now, when their deep bond had first taken shape onthe cliffs overlooking the waterfall, when things had been so much simpler, whenneither of them were as scarred and broken as they were now. And never more wasthe reminder that things had profoundly and brutally changed more present forLapis than when she heard that first tight, almost inaudible cry coming fromthe boy sitting right beside her.

“Dipper?” the blue Gem’s pensive expression melted into oneof immense worry as she glanced over at him, only to find him sitting with hisface buried into his knees as he held his legs tight to his chest, his entireframe wracking with soft but steadily growing sobs. “Dipper!” She quickly hurriedover to steady him, placing herself behind him as she didn’t hesitate to wrapher arms around him in a supportive embrace. An embrace that Dipperfrantically, fearfully pulled himself out of the moment he felt it.

“Stop!” he cried, easily prying himself out of the blue Gem’shug as he stumbled forward a bit, his eyes wide with a terror that took him faraway from the present moment. His metallic arm light up, the circuits on hisface doing the same as it whirled with the energy from an emerging defensiveattack. “Don’t touch me-” Dipper succinctly cut himself off as he spun around,his panicked mind returning to the present as he noticed that only Lapis was standingbefore him as opposed to any Agates or Peridots or worst of all, Diamonds. Hetensed at this, his arm going back to its usual dull glow as his breathinghitched and his eyes welled up with oncoming tears once again, tears that, muchlike everything else, he was completely powerless to stop. “L-Lapis, I… I-I didn’t…I thought… I…”

For what seemed like ages, Lapis was completely frozen in placeas she watched with wide eyes and a broken heart as Dipper slowly collapsed tohis knees, choking on another sob as he refused to make eye contact with theblue Gem out of guilt, sorrow, and so many other feelings at once. When Lapisfinally did shake herself out of her revere, she was on her feet quickly beforekneeling down in front of him, making sure to give him plenty of space, thoughshe still extended a hand out to him, one that he didn’t take. “Dipper, I-I…You… you didn’t…” she stammered, having not even the faintest clue about whatto say to really comfort him at a time like this. “P-please… don’t cry.” Hervoice was a bit firmer, a bit more reassuring as she took his hand, andthankfully, he didn’t panic and pull it away, even if he did continue sobbingto himself, his metal hand shielding his face from her. “I-I know what you wentthrough was… i-it was a lot to handle, but it’s over now. You’re home. You’resafe. You’re free.”

“Over?” Dipper glanced up at her, his tone harsh, appalled,and most of all, tearful. “It’s over?!Are you serious, Lapis?! This will never be over! No matter how many timesyou, or Mabel, or Steven, or anyone else tries to tell me that things are oknow, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m stuck with this… this thing-” he pointed to his cyberneticarm, glaring at it disdainfully all the while. “As opposed to my real arm forthe rest of my life! It doesn’t change the fact that I nearly killed you allwithout a second thought! It doesn’t change the fact that all of this, everysingle part of it, is all my fault because I was too stupid to try and faceYellow Diamond on my own and too weak to stop her from using that dumb song ofhers to turn me into her own personal slave!But yeah, I guess you’re right. I amhome and I am safe. But I’m nowhereclose to being free…” His anger trailed off into tears once more, his eyes shuttightly as he held his arms tightly, his natural hand digging into his loathedmetal arm as much as it could. “And that’s what no one seems to understandaround here…”

“I do understand that, Dipper,” Lapis said, her tonesurprisingly steady, despite how shaken and distraught she was after hearinghim profess everything at once. “More than you know.”

Dipper flinched atthis, guilt filling his expression as he met the blue Gem’s gaze once more. “O-oh…Lapis, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t think about… I-I was just-”

“Angry, I know,” Lapis nodded in understanding. “So was Iwhen I was ‘freed’ from Malachite. That first time I saw Jasper again after weunfused, I was furious, because Ithought I had fooled myself into thinking that it was all over, that I was donewith her, and I was free. But then she came back and tried to fuse with meagain, a-and it was like nothing had changed, like I was still trapped with herat the bottom of the lake, fighting against her day in and day out for controland never seeming to win. And not only was I mad, I was scared. I was terrifiedthat the thought of being Malachite again existed anywhere in my mind, nomatter how small it was. I was so afraid that I would slip right back into her,that I would actually enjoy beingher, that I really was the monster Jasper said I was…”

“I-I… I think I feel kind of the same away about Stonemason…”Dipper mumbled, somewhat surprised that he was even admitting something likethat aloud. Still, if there was anyone he was comfortable talking to about atruth as uncomfortable and frightening as this, it was Lapis. “Mabel, Steven,and Connie saved me, yeah, b-but… I’m honestly really afraid that he mightstill be somewhere inside me, just waiting to hear that song again and takeover all over again. A-and then Yellow Diamond will have total control over me again, then I’ll be right back toattacking you all again, a-and I’llbe trapped inside my own head again,and… and I just… I can’t!”

Lapis was admittedly surprised as Dipper suddenly flunghimself into her arms, unabashedly crying all the while, even as she verygently returned his embrace. By now, tears were slipping down the blue Gem’scheeks too as she realized just how much painhe was in, in literally every sense of the word. “I-I know how you feel…”she sighed, trying to push her own year-old fears and regrets away for hissake. “And it’s the worst. But youknow what got me through it?” Dipper shook his head at this, his eyes still wetwith tears as he looked up at the blue Gem inquisitively. “You did,” she smiledwarmly, placing a motherly hand on top of his head. “You reminded me that Iwasn’t a prisoner anymore, that I wasn’t Malachite anymore, but that I was Lapis again. You helped me feel likemyself again; you helped me feel free. A-and while I’m probably not the best atthis sort of thing, I hope I can help you in the same way you helped me. I wantto help you feel like you’re not Yellow Diamond’s slave anymore, because you’renot. You never were. You’re notStonemason; you’re Dipper. And I knowit’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work, but eventually, you willstart to feel like yourself again. You willfeel free again. Take it from someone who’s been there: I know.”

Dipper finally stilled as Lapis used a gentle hand to thumbone of his tears away, smiling down at him with the upmost empathy and comfortshe could provide. Some part of him, a part that was likely still somehow onHomeworld, still enduring all of the pain and torture he had been put throughthere, wanted to refute the blue Gem’s claims, to deny that he had any chanceof really feeling like anything other than a broken, mutilated slave everagain. But every other part of him overrode that denial as he met Lapis’reassuring smile, one that carried the hope that things would get better, thathe could move on, that he could feel free once more. And it was a hope that heonly needed one final confirmation of in order to truly believe it. “A-are yousure?”

Lapis’ smile widened somewhat at this, unable to refute that,even despite the tears, and the metal arm, and the still underlying terror inhis eyes, the Dipper she had truly befriended in that waterfall cave over ayear ago now was still very much there. And that was something she was certain,no matter how much Yellow Diamond, or Bill Cipher, or anyone else might try tobreak him apart and wipe him away, would never change. “Yes, I am,” shewhispered assumingly, looking up to the stars once more. “I promise.”

(Combined this one with @krissy-sprite‘s request, mostly because I thought it was fitting. But AUGHGHAGSDKHAGSDKHAGSD *dies on my keyboard* ANGST AND FLUFF FLUFF AND ANGST ALL TOGETHER AT LAST AND IT KILLS MEEEEEEEEEE Seriously though any moments between Dipper and Lapis following this whole Stonemason thing are going to WRECK MY LIFE BECAUSE WELL FUCK IT HURTS SO GOOD AUGHHGHGHGH THis was a fucking delight to write because as sad as it was it also filled me with warm fuzzies at the end and that’s GREAT!!! FOR REALS this prompt was one of my favorites yet because of how it turned out imo I’m so pleased) 

[imperialmarchingthrugalaxy]

Hi there! This is sorta random, but I have a request if you are up for it. I know you don't post much writing on here (and I wish you'd do it more often, because I really love your writing style!) but, if you ever get the chance, I was curious if you'd be up for a prompt?!!? I'm imagining some fluffy Reylo where Rey realizes she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell Kylo... No pressure if you don't want to, but I hope to hear back! Cheers

Hello anon :) I have actually never received a request, but I’m more than happy to oblige!! You’re right- I don’t write as much as I’d like too, and I’m much more self conscious about my writing than I am about my art for some reason. But alas! I sat down and had a lot of fun with the prompt you sent me. Here is the result. Hope you enjoy!  

I Sense It

No, no. It can’t be. Rey thinks to herself yet again, doing her best to shrug off the lingering anxiety. The thought had emerged inconspicuously from the depths of her mind, but for days now, it clung to her subconscious -persistent and haunting- like a parasite.

She hadn’t been feeling quite right recently, and while there were a thousand reasons why that might be, her brain had opted to single out one of them and run wild with the possibility, driving her absolutely mad.

Rey shivers as she steps out of bed and wanders toward the viewport, gazing absently out into the vastness of space. The sight instantly calms her. The harshness of the infinite black universe is softened by gentle blues and purples bleeding into one another amidst twinkling speckles of white. She takes a deep, calming breath, regaining a degree of composure. There is no sense in worrying about things out of her control. She needs to relax. She needs to sleep. But above all, she needs to be rational. That last one seems to be an increasingly difficult task as of late… especially where Kylo is concerned.

Their relationship had always been a muddle of complicated emotions- messy and political, despite their desire to exist independently of their pasts. But she loves him, in spite of it all.

As if on cue, Kylo stirs in the bed behind her, rustling the sheets as he sits up and wipes the sleep from his weary eyes.

He doesn’t say anything. It’s the middle of the night, and he knows Rey has been having a hard time sleeping. It takes all his willpower and then some not to force his way into that mind of hers and have a look around. But he respects her too much to invade her privacy.

The irony of this isn’t lost on Kylo, and he stifles an amused laugh as he recalls their first encounter on Starkiller base.

“You know I can take whatever I want.” The memory of those words leaves a bad taste in his mouth, even though Kylo knew full well it had been an empty threat, even as the words had left his lips. Despite their differences in the beginning, his intention had never been to hurt her.

Refocusing his attention to the present, Kylo’s eyes lock on to the silhouette of Rey in the window. She’s standing mere feet away, and yet he can sense that her consciousness is elsewhere in the galaxy.  

Lugging his tired body out of bed, Kylo makes his way over to where she’s standing. He places his large hands on her hips and leans into the crook of her neck from behind, sleepily inhaling her scent.

“Come back to bed sweetheart,” he beckons, his voice soft and hoarse. He dislikes the emptiness that consumes him when she isn’t at his side.  

When Rey makes no move to oblige, Kylo reaches up and brushes a strand of loose hair behind her ear, kissing the newly exposed skin of her cheek.

Let me in, he pleads silently, desperate to share in whatever is troubling Rey.

She smiles- barely- but it’s a smile nonetheless. Her eyes light up ever so slightly as she feels Kylo’s mind brush against hers. She knows it isn’t fair to shut him out like this. And yet, she isn’t ready to open up.

Not right now. She thinks back at him, feeling a bit selfish.

Kylo sighs, but accepts her answer, nuzzling her neck with his long nose.

I’m here for you, he confesses, as his arms move to encircle Rey’s waist. She turns her head and meets his lips with a quick, chaste kiss.

It’s a quiet moment, which is rare for the two of them. Normally their thoughts and emotions are all over the place competing with one another. Kylo takes note of how peaceful it is to stand there with Rey in his arms, and his hands slowly begin to wander over her body- one down her thigh and the other up over her belly, and that’s when he feels it. Small, but distinct. Familiar, yet totally foreign. A force signature.

Ren instantly stiffens, swallowing hard as he attempts to comprehend the subtle sensation beneath his fingertips.

Rey senses the abrupt shift in his energy as he lets go of her.

“Kylo?” she asks with concern. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t answer right away. He can’t find his voice. He can’t even bring himself to look at her.

Eyes cast down. Brow furrowed. Kylo is bombarded with hundreds of emotions all at once. Rey can feel the erratic waves of fear, wonder, love and disgust radiating from him with an unusual ferocity- even for him.

She swiftly turns to face him, reaching up and taking his face in her hands. “Kylo, you’re scaring me!” Rey cries. “What’s going on?”

“Is this what you’ve been keeping from me?” he finally asks in breathless confusion. “That you’re…”

Rey shakes her head cluelessly, impatient for him to finish the sentence. That I’m what!?  She beckons with wide eyes.

…Pregnant? He finishes silently, staring deep into her soul.

Rey’s jaw falls open in surprise. While she’d suspected as much, she had neither the courage nor the hard evidence to prove it. And Kylo had been unusually courteous as far as staying out of her head. So how…? “How do you know that?!” she asks with disbelief.

“I sense it,” Kylo answers simply, his hand reaching down between them and returning to her stomach. He closes his eyes, entering a meditative state. After a minute or so, Kylo smiles with reassurance.

“Our child-” he says proudly, “I can sense them through the force.” He opens his mind to Rey, guiding her toward the faint but profound energy nestled deeply in her belly.

Suddenly she feels it too, and blushes under his gaze, embarrassed by her own inability to have known with any kind of certainty that another life was forming inside of her. What’s wrong with me? Rey wonders to herself.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Kylo assures her firmly, taking her chin in his hand. She’d clearly been overwhelmed by the prospect of motherhood, and the force signature was, admittedly, difficult to pick up on.

The mental wall that Rey had spent the past several days building is instantly shattered, flooding the room with both of their rampant emotions. Kylo revels in their shared energies, pleased that her wide variety of feelings seems to match his own.

We’re going to be parents, Rey projects with an apprehensive smile. Can you believe it?! We’re going to have a child!

And just imagine how powerful they’ll be…

“Kylo!” Rey scolds playfully, but with a warning edge to her tone.

Ren smirks, knowing that would get a rise out of her. But his teasing does little to distract Rey from the doubt lingering just beyond the brink of their connection.

He is terrified, and she could not only feel it, but understand it. Kylo is only just now coming to terms with himself again. How could a man with so little self-worth possibly hope to raise a child and teach said child to believe in themselves? And then his thoughts inevitably turn to his own parents…

Kylo’s head burns with the stabbing pain of shame and regret as he attempts to shield his thoughts from the woman before him.

Rey places her hands on his chest sympathetically, coaxing him out of the darkness.

“You’re going to be a wonderful father,” she promises, choking back tears.

Kylo doesn’t allow himself to believe it. He can’t. But it still means the world to hear Rey say it. She would always be the stronger of the two of them.

I love you, Kylo thinks, pressing his forehead to hers.

“I love you too,” Rey replies, pulling him down into a kiss.