#but i cannot bring myself to message her bc like......

[bunnyboy-juice]

):

[jewish-vents]

i feel kind of lost.

for context, id say im jewish adjacent, as i have two jewish grandparents but the traditions and beliefs were not carried down to my parents. that said i was raised secular but im knowledgeable about the torah and general jewish beliefs and holidays, in addition to basic history and modern day antisemitism. about two years ago i became much more interested in my ancestry, learning about when my great-grandma came over from ukraine, and how her dad opened a jewish boys’ school in nyc. about my mother’s side, how she’d use yiddish phrases while i was growing up because she learned them from her mom and grandma. how they lost touch with judaism because they hid in the middle of nowhere west virginia after escaping germany.

i started considering conversion, bc although i do feel a connection, i would not be comfortable engaging in jewish life and culture without a formal conversion. I’ve expressed this desire to a couple friends who joked about it a little but were generally supportive. my best friend is jewish and she has brought me in on a few holiday celebrations, too.

when oct 7th came, i had already been keenly aware of rising antisemitism and was always vocal about it in my social circles. but then it felt like the world fully turned upside down. all of my friends, for the most part, became vocally anti-israel and started spreading harmful messages, propaganda, or general disdain for israelis. i cannot imagine what it was and still is like for people born and raised jewish, who have lost countless friends to hatred and ignorance.

i want to start my conversion so bad but im not even sure where to start, and everything just feels so bleak right now. the worst part is i feel like i cant talk to anyone about this or else they’ll jump on me and call me a genocide apologist or something for being empathetic to both palestinians and israelis, or for not outright condemning zionism as a whole. im afraid if i bring up conversion with my gentile friends they’ll start seeing me differently or demand my opinions on the war. i even caught myself lying about my own israeli family members because i was afraid of a conflict starting.

it just sucks that these are things i have to worry about and carry all to myself. i want a community where i can discuss these topics without fear of being attacked for having opposing views. i want to talk with jews and help curb antisemitism where i see it. i just wish the world, the internet, and especially my age group, had more empathy and willingness to listen instead of just yell and attack. it helps nobody.

Unfortunately, you're probably right about how many of your friends will react if you convert.

But if you feel conversion is the right choice for you, a good place to start would be reaching out to the Rabbi of a nearby synagogue.

Best of luck on your journey, wherever it ultimately takes you.-🐞

[ugh-yoongi]

Which personality of each member do you think fits their sign and which doesn’t?

oh, fun!! while i can crack a joke every now and then, @hot-soop is the true astrology queen, so i hope you don't mind that i tag teamed this with her.

i think the prevailing thought is that sun signs are kind of... not useless on their own, but definitely don't tell the whole story. i definitely do not feel like i fit my sun sign and relate much more to some of my other placements.

(also hard to say because we don't have a confirmed birth time for anyone other than jungkook and, speaking for myself, i feel my rising says a lot more about me than my sun sign.)

anyway!! let's speculate bc nothing matters!!

members i feel fit their sun sign:

seokjin

yoongi

hobi

jk

other placements i feel they might fit more:

namjoon — (suspected) scorpio rising. i joked about it in awfos but i really do think it fits namjoon perfectly: people with scorpio on the ascendant need to fight against dark and destructive power in their life. for some, this power can also come from within, in the form of jealousy, envy or lust for power. the dark and hidden things in the soul must come out. it can be reflected in artwork, for example (cr). we know namjoon is sort of this tortured poet type of creative; the type to destroy himself in order to create.

seokjin — cancer mars. sometimes, mars in cancer likes to heighten molehills just to psyche themselves out. they like to make small issues larger because it feels safer to fight in the small than the large. they can be incredibly forthright on the smallest of things but shy away from bringing up larger life decisions (cr). we see this with jin a lot—the exaggerating and larger than life personality to hide how sensitive he is.

yoongi — yoongi's chart is interesting because it's half "i don't give a fuck what you think about me" energy and half calm, gentle placements. i think he embodies his entire chart, tbh. we know young yoongi was really angry. we know he's grown a lot. we know he's not the super grumpy, cold personality people like to pigeonhole him as.

hobi — he has three placements in pisces (mercury, venus, saturn) so it doesn't really matter which placement i pick bc i think he embodies all of them. there are a ton of writers with pisces in mercury, and while yes, hobi is obviously a writer, i think it speaks to communicating in other ways, too. for hobi, it might be through writing, through dance, or through ideas/pictures. look at any of his solo mvs, especially from hope world. they are so much more vibrant than the rest. i urge you to read all of this in regards to pisces venus and find a line that doesn't fit him (except maybe the one about eating in bed, lol).

jimin — definitely fits the stereotypical characteristics of his sun sign. he's charming, social, peace-seeking. but, if the rumors are to believed, he's also a cancer rising, and as a fellow libra sun-cancer rising, this is just... peak him. i've seen this placement described as the "i'm baby" ascendant and it's so true. they're nurturing, sensitive, and gentle. all of bts loves one another, but i don't think anyone loves bts more than jimin. he's the one who will show up for and take care of you without you needing to ask.

taehyung — aries moon. jin has an aries moon, too, but i think it's more evident with tae. most everyone describes this placement as "cannot be tamed," and i think that's especially true with him. i've talked about it before, but while other members may not fit the idol image perfectly, taehyung seems to be the only one who actively rebels against it. there aren't many other idols posting threatening messages on weverse, lol. we know namjoon has said he knew taehyung wouldn't listen to him, but as someone who also has an aries moon, there is this innate flashbang of anger whenever anyone tries to exert control over us.

jungkook — virgo mercury. the "if there is a problem, then i will find a solution" placement. there is nothing he cannot do or figure out. if he decides he's going to do something, he'll become the best at it, and that's all there is to it, but a lot of this is done internally. all those "jungkook spacing out for 5 hours" compilations? he's doing virgo things in there.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. It’s 😵‍💫 anon again.

I actually haven’t been on here in a bit bc I was tired & embarrassed of spreading my misery lol. So much has went on with my life since my last message on Thanksgiving. It’s been going as it always does. I fell into the law of assumption trap again last week. I saw in a response to an anon, you said that a lot of us have trauma from the law, which is true. Every time I go back to it, I regret it again haha. It’s such a heavy subject. I watched Sammy Ingram. I tried to force it again. I just knocked some sense into myself an hour ago, “girl, what the hell are you doing?” I know how it ends every time. I’m caught in this place of not understanding if the magic truly is out there or if I’m wasting time. The last of my teen years were spent with trying with the law. I fell flat every time. Although I’m nowhere near okay right now, I still reflect on how painful the journey of the law had been for me. I’m just asking myself if I want to keep feeling the lows of it. I don’t, but without it, what will I do? I have some many dreams. If I were to cut it loose and say “I’m okay if this doesn’t happen”, it would never happen. I needed the law to work. I say NEEDED simply because it gets tiring. Tiring to a point that the desires feel bitter now. I think that is why the community has died down. It’s tired. I’m not sure what put it in some of our heads that we have to make ourselves miserable just to reach. It’s sad to think about. I was a child stuck in this loop. I found subliminals. I haven’t been normal since then. This is a sad tale, but I hope other people can break free from it. Too many are stuck, me included. In some way, law of assumption coaches are stuck too. Your page is a place to become unstuck.

After that coming to my senses moment earlier, I actually felt lighter letting go of the forced affirmations again. I’m not okay, but I think everyone can understand how heavy the law can feel on your back. Now….I’ve just sat with my negativity. I don’t know what to do with it all. I always look to find someone else who is feeling like I am, but I truly don’t want anyone to. I hope everyone who has been negatively affected by the laws can recover. It truly is crazy. I wonder if there will be a documentary on Netflix one day. “Surviving the Laws” lmfao.

I didn’t have a main point for this message. Your point just brought up some words in my mind…. like yeah, we’ve been traumatized. 😂😂😂

I hope you’ve been doing well, Dream. How’s life going? Happy New Year btw!!!!

hiii lovely 😵‍💫 anon

ahh i remember when sammy first blew up and uh.. yeah. def glad that didnt last hahahah i wouldnt ever rec her to anyone knowing what i know now, but i get it. sometimes we fall back and that's just normal and not a big deal.

this really stood out to me though, "if i were to cut it loose and say, "i'm okay if this doesn't happen," it would never happen." hmmmm this is very far from the truth. and the hard realization is realizing... you not cutting it loose hasnt made it happen either. :/ the law is extremely paradoxial and until we surrender to that fact, we continue to struggle and struggle. fighting and wanting and wanting and wanting. and never making it pass the phase of wanting, or even if we do, we quickly find ourselves back in the wanting phase again because that is what it is. if we cannot stop wanting, if we cannot stop hoping something will happen for us to finally be happy... then we keep waiting for that day we can finally be happy. this is maybe the hardest part in all of this. allowing the paradox. that when we actually cut loose and stop needing whatever to pass, that is when it happens. when we could enjoy life, even just a little, with the very little that we have in front of us, the thing we wanted most appears. sometimes we have to create our own magic, not continue waiting on life to bring it to us.

i understand you entirely when you say you get tired, and the desire feels bitter. because ohmygosh that was meeeee. at some points, i became entirely resentful towards what i had thought i wanted the most. i also agree this is why the community has died down, and many are moving to a more non dualistic lifestyle bc its much more freeing than the manifestation trap. everything you're saying is so relatable to me a few years ago, and thats why i have remained on this page. to be some sort of source of help, to share my own journey and hopefully it can encourage and inspire others. :')

LOL but imagine. i think that would be a great documentary, bc seriously so many people would be able to speak out and it would be so relatable. and it would show people that there is a way out. we truly didnt find the law for nothing, it leads us to something greater eventually. the law was always meant to lead to the promise, you know ? so for that, its not all terrible. but its true that a lot of us hurt ourselves and traumatized ourselves a lot in the process, and it doesnt help that so many loa coaches at the same supported that kind of suffering.

anyway, thanks for popping in again !! i've been doing really well tbh, the new year is going really well. i've made some big changes in my life, like moving abroad and i'm already loving it but having to learn how to live somewhere completely new. the days are so beautiful here and lately and its the small things like that which just make me happy to be here <3

[roobylavender]

ok so since @arkham asked (ily) i'm gna go into more detail about my issues with atsv but disclaimer beforehand that most of this will not be as coherent as i want it to be bc frankly i found the messaging of the movie to be very contradictory itself and when trying to reason through the logic of it often found myself musing in circles lmao..

let's start with the multiverse aspect. this plot point frustrates me bc it presents us with the illusion of choice. what i mean by this is that there is no other logical way for miles to respond to the multiversal dilemma bc logically and emotionally it only makes sense to rebel against predestination. i mentioned the illusion of choice in my book review for bloodmarked by tracy deonn, and my complaint there was that the mc was written to look like it was up to her final choice and say to cut herself off from her ancestors bc their line had been poisonous to her all along, as one of her ancestors had contracted with a demon. but what the audience was presented with was merely the illusion of choice. there was no other logical option presented but for the mc to cut herself off otherwise she would always be at risk from the demon that had cursed her bloodline. abandoning her ancestors for the sake of her new white friends was posited as logical when it was a choice the mc was driven into at all costs bc there was no other way the story could move forward without it. and to bring it back to atsv, i feel the same way here, bc when presented with that "choice," of either relenting to the algorithm or rebelling against it, what other option is there? the way the multiverse is framed as this fabric of complete and total prediction to which all spider-men are bound leaves little room for anything else to be explored. and it's odd bc there's a brief moment where peter reinterprets it all in a way explicitly distinct of the way miguel does—life happens, sometimes people die and the circumstances are completely out of our control, but that does not holistically control our life moving forward, beautiful things still happen, we still possess hands capable of saving others, we are not frozen in time by the death of someone we love and we carry them with us as much as we move on from them—but it's fleeting and never brought up again bc obv peter has to side with miles. so the movie even presents an opportunity for nuance but quickly waves it off and proceeds forward with its two polarizing views embodied by miguel and miles

and idk.. i can't really wrap myself around the ideology of any of it. obv cape comics are used to explore things that do not make sense happening in the real world but multiversal stuff is where it tends to lose me bc in real life there is no way to predict what happens in the future. you cannot realistically operate by knowing what happens in the future or in a parallel universe. you have to operate on instinct and principle and faith and sometimes that has to be enough bc you're mortal. you will die, people you love will die, there is no escaping it and there is no immortality and there is no possible way for you to save every person ever in danger. learning to accept that is key to being a hero bc despite knowing all of that you still try. you still do what you can for the people you can reach. and for the movie to make it into this thing where you are made beholden to the future and presented with the option of either accepting it or fighting against it feels so restrictive to me bc it turns heroism into something reactionary rather than principled. like we talk a lot about how it's not healthy for batman to move through life merely trying to prevent his parents' deaths in the form of other people bc it restricts the scope of what he is actually capable of doing. and in a loose sort of way i think the same thing applies here. which is funny bc the way the argument is framed in the movie it looks like it agrees with that, it looks like it's trying to say you can't mark yourself by the tragedies of your life and have to be principled and save people no matter what, but again, it's the illusion of choice. what miles is being presented with is no longer a tragedy that already happened, but now one that it is in his hands to either let happen or prevent bc it is fated to happen either way. what's past is postured as what's future and now you are restricted to moving about the world like you only have two options of how to move through it. so yes, miguel is wrong, but i think it's convenient for him to be so wrong bc it's the only way miles can actually be right. if that makes sense

the copaganda obv ties into all of this and makes it even more insidious but one moment in particular that really infuriates me is when miles asks gwen about her dad and how she can be okay with all of this and it's so.. clearly this kind of sly gotcha wherein she's shamed for not feeling as strongly opposed to her father's death—a feeling which very likely ties strongly into the way he nearly arrested and shot her at the start of the movie—compared to miles bc in that moment her dad is the "bad" cop and his dad is the "good" cop who is obv worth saving. like i've perused a lot of arguments pushing back against designating the film as copaganda and all of them seem to boil down to "well miles's dad is a good person!" and it's like yeah.. obv.. that's what the good cop trope is. it prevents you from holistically critiquing the system bc the hope of at least one person within it being good gives credence to the idea that more people within it can also be good. so on the surface the movie's ideology is simply about saving "good" people, but when you make "good" cops the face of "good" people, you're very facetiously propping up an entire institution and failing to even holding it accountable for its very serious crimes. and that's something further hammered in when miles's dad toasts to a rest in power mural of his dead brother while celebrating being made into police captain, and when gwen says the mask is her badge bc this is the only way she can think of how to convince her father that she's not bad, by posturing herself as adjacent to the law despite the fact that vigilantes are specifically operatives outside of the law who at their best are capable of doing things and extending empathy that law enforcement are not

and then i have a minor issue with every character outside of gwen and miles and peter b feeling really generic but like. that's not on my mind as much comparatively lmao

[yuukei-yikes]

Tell us about Shinaya’s breakup :D

HEHDJEIDNEKFJEKDKEK ive had this ask since i posted i was thinking abt it MAN i cannot express to u i just. I WANNA WRITE A FIC SO BAD but AUGH im so bad at it it makes me cringe i cant do that but its basically like all my damn posts together u know. i keep thinking of shintaro's disastrous relationships post str going from ayano to kano to takane etcetc sorry im playing with him like a stress toy making him go thru hell but its so fun

srry i dont wanna have to rewrite a lot of stuff so erm im liking this answer 🫡🫡🫡 and i could link a bunch more just so u SEE MY VISION... but i think linking that is enough. ON AND OFF SHINAYA MY BELOVED

shintaro and ayano sort of having this ridiculous relationship because both are hurting and jumped in a relationship too quick but fighting/being sad about stupid shit is so much easier than dealing with their actual issues that they've got with themselves. like focusing on each other and what they don't like about each other and their relationship is so much easier than crying about how suicidal they are. lollllll SO LIKE this insanity sort of saves them at the same time??

i mean the most ideal would be that instead of getting together they got therapy and the normal kind not the relationship kind. you know. but also theyre traumatized and ugh. its so much easier to resent each other than themselves. its so much easier to be petty. its such a relief to cry over relationship problems than over timeline resets or dead parents and etc. YOU GET ME?????

they keep breaking up and getting back together ridiculously like it is 1000% so dramatic each and everytime. ayano crying her eyes out like its the end of the world and shintaro making 100 sad playlists. and it happens at least monthly. the first time everyone's like WHOA THEY BROKE UP!?!? SHIT!! the second time its like heyyy maybe they'll work it out like last time!! third time its like are you joking. fourth time they're already begging them to stop. by they i mean the dan but especially takane by the way. who do you think is picking up the pieces.

and by the way the one breaking up all the time and being dramatic as hell is shintaro. he gets angry and annoyed and weaponizes the LETS BREAK UP thing because he DOESNT MEAN IT. like he knows he and ayano will work it out later. he gets comfortable again. not to get on the ayano surviving thing, but i think ayano (and hiyori but especially ayano) making it out alive undoes a big part of the message abt moving on. like i love her so im not complaining thats i love having her alive :3 but i like to translate this into shintaro like. he's intensely trying to repress/process all the memories of the other timelines to cope and have a normal life and ends up being this way because he's sort of self sabotaging himself. like ayano's alive and she likes me??? lol. ok?? ill wake up any moment now!! and he feels guilty and undeserving and is sort of a dickhead to her in an unconscious attempt of keeping her away because that's what he deserves according to him. also why he's accepting of takane's intense obsession with him lol bc she's familiar and she is comfortable, unlike ayano who is so rare and one in its kind in all the timelines. he is sort of terrified of her in a way.

the lets break up isnt rly a breakup. its just a leave me alone see u later. LOL i think we talk too much abt kanoshin bringing the worst in each other but what about shinaya. they do that too. yeah we CAN have fluffy shinaya. but like i said it is so easy to focus all this bitterness and sadness into each other and it's so relieving to be sad and angry about this rather than everything else. because this is sort of in their control while everything else isn't, wasn't. and its so unfair. of course its unfair!! but they cant do anything abt it. so they just go crazy on each other. ayano is DESPERATE to be needed. i could link more replies but i will hold myself back. basically her siblings are used to being alone/know she has her own problems and ayano is dealing with this emptiness and feeling of failure bc no one needs her, from her perspective her sacrifice still failed to save everyone, her parents are gone so she needs to step up. like she puts herself under all this pressure and feels Not Good Enough for ANYTHING. and she is dating shintaro.

it's EASY to bother him and try to get him to open up and etc so she ridiculously focuses on that. but it gets on shintaro's nerves to say the least LOL plus all his other issues i mentioned 🫡plus she keeps being like we have to be normal. lets kiss and hold hands and cuddle. but she's too embarrassed to say it/do it and shintaro is even more pathetic about it. so theyre both frustrated about everything and can barely even sit next to each other without acting insane.

AND SORRY BUT I WILL TALK ABT TAKANE🫡💞💗💖💝💕💘ofc. codependent shintaka. of course. it drives ayano CRAZY because on top of all their problems takane is able to talk sense into shintaro each and every single time. and she is soooo jealous like she knows its stupid but she cant help ittt i ALSO TALKED ABT THIS SORRY I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF IM JUST SO CRzy abt it. hehe......the whole mess bringing drama to harutaka too bc shintaro and ayano are so messy theyre contagious is so fun to me. when it comes to shintaro and takane's horrible relationship both their romantic relationships suffer for it but deal with it completely differently. while both haruka and ayano deal with jealousy somewhat, ayano is so hurt and already at the verge of a mental breakdown so she's focusing so many negative emotions on it and AGAIN it just serves as another point of argument between shintaro and ayano while haruka is like. his mental state isnt as convoluted as ayanos, he's rather freaking out and terrified of being left alone. THIS IS ABT SHINAYA so i wont get into harutaka side but lol. heh. Looks at it. zooms in it. like what i mean is that haruka and takane talk and work through it and are like sighs yeah...this is messed up while shintaro and ayano are using it against each other instead of working on it LMAO

ANYWAYS. ayano breaks up with shintaro. vine boom. total breakdown moment like everyone out of the room i wanna talk to you alone. and this time its for REAL. like ayano isnt confrontational at all, all their arguments are always her being pushy abt idk mental health and shintaro's like godddd STOPPPPP and ayano crying and shintaro being like I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT. IM SORRY I GUESS. CAN U GET OUT OF THE ROOM. WE'LL TALK LATER. but he also sucks so bad at letting the other person know they can count on him so he kind of assumes ayano will do it when she's ready because he KNOWS she's in pain. like. ofc it could go well. ofc shintaro and ayano could work through everything with kindness and comprehension for each other but they're both so sad and suddenly find themselves annoyed at each other one time and it felt so freeing to do that that they just keep doing it. especially shintaro. having ayano be mad at him is sort of relieving because he feels undeserving of her and its like yeah. Yeah!! i know its ooc but shinaya screaming match.god. sorry but all their bottled up emotions abt everything and they take it out on each other for no reason other than theyre giving each other the space and it plays out that way. theyre acting crazy about something so stupid like shintaro not wanting ayano to wear his clothes or whatever. like they scream about that but its not about that. it just feels so good to scream. it feels so good to scream and let it out even if they haven't given themselves the time to process that theyre not... actually screaming abt that at all. theyre screaming about everything else. not even about each other. its about themselves. its always been.its never been about each other. when it is, its stupid. thats why they do it. its just easier. God. they were just not ready for a relationship, especially not one with each other out of all people.

ayano breaks first, therefore dumps shintaro lol. he goes thru his own fucked up arc afterwards while ayano gets help. my man spirals DOWN. whether they get back together or not depends on my mood 🤨 but if they do, its by the time theyre in their mid twenties or something so a few years later LOL i picture them dating like for over a year maybe?? when theyre 18/19. hehe.

like. do you get it.

[mindsetobservances]

I haven’t been posting online because honestly things have been going well for me. And I’m immensely grateful for that. But the past few days have been absolutely absurd.

Last month my mother booked plane tickets for me and my husband to come visit her and my brother to celebrate the holidays. The night before our flight departed I received a text that we had been delayed. I called her to let her know what was going on and to update her of our itinerary. In this conversation she discovered that my husband and I were not traveling with checked bags. (For context, she lives in a ski town) she had previously thought we were bringing our ski equipment, but my husband and I decided against it because it would have been an inconvenience for us, we were only going to be in town for a few days and hauling our gear didn’t seem worth it. After finding out we didn’t have our ski gear she began yelling at me over the phone. Just blowing up about how stupid we must be and why would she fly us out if we weren’t planning on skiing. (My husband and I care about just spending time around my family regardless if on snow or not).

I communicated with her that I did not want to be yelled at, patronized, talked down to etc. She continued to grow more agitated and lashing out saying some pretty terrible things. Becoming so nasty i feel comfortable calling it verbal and emotional abuse. She’s projecting onto me, thinking she can do no wrong and I’m the cause of all this. All I want to communicate is I don’t want to be treated poorly (and I admit I fired my own shots) she cannot comprehend my perspective, she feels I have disrespected and betrayed her bc I didn’t bring my skis. It’s so silly to me. I try and tell her how I’m feeling and share my position, she tries to turn me against my husband, she tells me I don’t know what I’m feeling, she gaslights me, she attempts to manipulate me, etc. It’s terrible, It’s been going on for hours, I’m in tears by the time my husband and I actually arrive at our destination. Not to mention we also had a layover and had to take a bus bc she abandoned us at the airport.

This morning she comes over to the family condo unannounced and I’m like I can’t just act like everything is fine. You’ve been so terrible to me and I don’t deserve that. I tell her everything again, I read out oud the messages she’s sent over the past 24 hours. She’s unable to take responsibility. She cant barely give a genuine apology. And I’m the one she blames, I am so hurt, so heartbroken. I see her now, perhaps I have been dealing with this for longer than I remember, it’s unfair, I’m angry. She genuinely believes that I’m at fault. That’s I’m selfish, that I aim to hurt her. All because I prefer to travel light. That I don’t care where we are but I just care about being with my family. And I’ve tried to communicate this, but she has put her pride above her family. She has prioritized feeling angry about over our decision instead of being grateful we’re just here.

I’m terribly sorry, I am sick. Unfortunately my brother has been dealing with this for a few years, we are with him now. I wanted a nice vacation, and instead I’m turned into a monster bc I didn’t want to inconvenience myself. She could have communicated that we should bring our skis. And things would have been different

I believe she is emotionally immature. If you have read to the bottom I thank you. I feel I can no longer continue, but I may rant more later. If you are able to offer any support or advice I would appreciate it. We’ll see how things continue to develop over the weekend…

[prorevmakeouts]

im considering my other set of OCs today

MISS rhys (no relation) and lee they are like. well budget blake / eve i suppose rhys kind of has blakes body type but eves personality while lee is the opposite. but this is just me having types and i do not accept criticism for this

lee is likeeee super buff with Some fat while rhys is a scrawny little guy... lee tries 2 get her to work out with her but rhys is a noodle-armed little emo girl she would not thrive in a gymbro environment.

lee has a more Chill personality rhys is very high strung. theyre in a band together lee is the drummer and rhys is the rhythm guitar / singer / manager who constantly bosses the Official manager around / marketing guy / PR guy. lee is kind of just along for the ride she didn't even play percussion before rhys started the band she learned it specifically for her. just kind of goes with whatever life throws at her even if that involves now being in an insanely popular alt band

theyre both furries also but Can be human in my mind world (im bad at drawing humans. this is the only reason theyre furries lol) lee is a leucistic spotted hyena and rhys is a brown mutt doggy... lees got some tattoos while rhys likes to dye her fur/hair different colors and takes the showmanship / performance aspect of her job Very seriously. lee just wears ratty wifebeaters and cargo shorts on stage

and of Course they fuck bc this is the entire point of any story i have ever written the "themes" and "message" and "plot" all exist to lead to 2 women fucking. every single time. i cannot change my heart. rhys is basically the exclusive "top" cause her mindset in all things is Check This Off My List Get Shit Done with a sort of intensity to the Finish This Task part even if she does love lee. but shes also impulsive enough to simply initiate WAYYY more than lee does and again, lee just Goes with whatever shes chill like that. she does enjoy it but just doesnt get the chance to initiate often because it's either not the right Vibe or rhys has already beaten her to it. or shes just lazy tbh thats the main reason they don't typically do mutual shit: plus their size difference (lee is tall and beefy while rhys is shorter and scrawny) makes that difficult. lee Would occasionally initiate i think but as a like Special Treat i think rhys also has some insecurity that leads to her not wanting to "bottom" as often (:[)

i say top and bottom in quotes bc i dont rlly think those terms make as much sense for lesbians but when i say "top" i mean "the one eating out / strapping / fingering the other one" for Clarity's sake. and again they dont tend to do mutual shit like scissoring or any of the other hundreds of possible options bc 1. lee is kind of lazy and won't bring it up unprompted and 2. size difference makes it difficult. lee is scared of hurting her lol. also i dont find that shit as hot Sorry i like there 2 be focus on One Person At A Time

their story takes place in a time generally analogous to 90s-2000s usa (though its NOT just normal usa like in sanctuary this is a different Location bc its easier to justify the furry shit that way) erm lots of typical homophobia especially in their Scene and theyre also dealing with not being taken as Seriously by peers and critics as an all-female band with a Very eccentric and gnc frontwoman. lee has slightly Less internalized shit than rhys i think but she still wants to stay closeted just so she doesn't have to deal with the media circus, rhys has Internalized shit where she hates being gay so so badly and wants to stay closeted as to not negatively impact her career. internalized shit leads to things like randomly crying during sex, flipping into emotional coldness on a switch, not wanting to be seen around lee in public but then Also having a freakout because she misses her and has separation anxiety, "i hate myself for liking you too much" shit, etc. i think she gets over it eventually though especially when their band goes on hiatus and she learns to focus more on what she Actually wants to do as an artist instead of maximizing her reach (not necessarily sanitizing herself... she does wild shit for attention all the time, including being openly supportive of gay people which is why she gets the gay accusations thrown at her to begin with. she just doesnt want to be ACTUALLY out because its too personal: the eccentric way she behaves on stage is a persona, and coming out for real would weaken the divide between Stage Rhys and Real Rhys which is scary for her). also on said hiatus lee is basically an unemployed bum living off of savings she had from when the band was super popular and selling out venues selling out of CDs etc. but it also gives them time to have a more Normal relationship since theyre out of the spotlight (well. not FULLY out of the spotlight because the media and fans dont just forget about shit like that, but theyre under less scrutiny). moving in together etc etc. and they can fuck more 👍

[ibolyafagyi]

lrt yes

but also it seems that every few months i have a breakdown from peopling too much. its usually in exam season i guess? is it my priorities clashing, do i lash out (internally) on my friends because of exam stress, because i still have an overly strong attachment to performing well in school?

thinking abt "there is no such thing as avoiding conflict, if you dont externalize it it just plays out internally by sulking".

a new friend told me how are you so sweet? and i think shes right, im very sweet and agreeable and usually go along with whatever other people want, or try to be assertive when they need assertion from me (especially when the relation is new and there is a good interplay of freshness, curiosity and politeness). but then i have a whole day crying fit that makes me have a migraine for hours because i feel so constricted and overworked from being with people. i dont feel like im naturally sweet and agreeable and whatever the other person wants. it comes easy to me, but maybe in the same way that doing well in school is easy, its natural to put out the effort to do it and it feels great to achieve, to receive praise and friendship, but not natural as in relaxed and casually tenable forever.

i have (/had) crying fits from caring too much about school, i have crying fits from performing the good friend and endlessly kind and considerate person role. somehow its impossible for me to ask my roommate if she can go out a bit more so i can be alone sometimes or when it was cold and i needed to talk to my therapist. these are reasonable requests. but i cant because it clashes with my role that gives me my purpose and social standing. and then internally i blame my roommate and start to hate her, then have a crying fit, injure myself and release the conflict energy that way, and i feel guilty bc shes alright and she did nothing wrong. and im back to feeling alien and weird bc i dont behave like a kind, "normal", functioning person. its against my role to have an explosion like that. i used to spend so much time in constant alarm and pain, and my current self hates that bc it wants to be popular and feel safe and be surrounded by people. i love people, i need to have people, and this is my tradeoff. i dont think im inauthentic (tho it does feel like that sometimes and thats a sign of my limits i need to pay attention to), but this is not sustainable and not truly good for me.

i have 2 friends at home i feel so weird about. i love them, but ever since i left for the semester abroad, i feel a weird distance. and i know! that its because i cannot lay my problems on them in a way that brings us closer together. i always feel like i can only message them if its in a cheerful and curious tone. but we are older friends than that, and i never feel cheerful enough. we are older, it *should* be deeper, but i cannot make it deeper on my end. (im trying to practice in my relationship though. i wanna bring the practice over to my friends too.)

i dont need to be kind always. i gotta give up the praise. i want more functional friendships. i want my friendships to last and deepen. i wanna be able to ASK for things from people. i wanna be able to rely on people. i want to let them help me. i want to be more free.

[whenimcrying]

It is night #1 of thinking/forgiving this situation:

Today was hard. I had a very great and meaningful conversation this morning with Kitt. We decided to put our throuple on hold bc there was a huge lack of communication and shit happened that wasn’t okay. I felt confident with my (our) decision early but then it was time to tell her. She cried a little on cam while I was discussing everything and she was very understanding even though I know she was hurting. The day went on normal then I get dropped off to my sister and off to CT for the week-ish. (I decided to come here bc legitimately everything is just going too fast and I’m having a really really hard time) Not even an hour after we arrive I get messages of how Kitt was feeling sorry for our past-partner (we’ll call her C). Apparently C was saying how she was extremely upset but not necessarily at us or her. She then says how she’s had a horrible day at work bc she’s been crying all day. I also wanna add I set clear boundaries earlier with both of them how I don’t want anything more than platonic happening especially behind my back. Very firm and felt good to say. But she was really hurting and Kitt felt horrible and when I found out about this my heart sank. Bad. I feel like a piece of shit. I shouldn’t have spoken up and said anything about my feelings. If I just forced myself to be numb/okay with the relationship we wouldn’t be in this situation. I wish I kept my mouth shut. Apparently C had to look over her safety plan bc she was not doing well….. Do you understand how HORRIBLE that is to hear that I caused that?! That I caused someone to feel unsafe and want to harm themselves?! I feel like an absolute piece of shit. I was trying to just force Kitt to be with C again. I know they both really like each other but I know for a fact if I see them interacting romantically in the slightest, I’d freak. I’ve had multiple issues in my past with intense paranoia and explosive jealousy. I have literally almost died bc of my feelings of that before. I cannot do that again but man do I feel horrible for voicing my feelings. I felt hurt and completely numb during it. I physically froze then sat on the bathroom floor for a half hour not responding to anything just bc I couldn’t comprehend anything. I felt disrespected and forgotten and jealous and icky. It was a horrible night all around. But now I’m regretting bringing up those feelings even though that was part of our first boundaries for the relationship. I’m not regretting bc I like her like that and want her back, I literally just hate myself for putting my feelings/emotions for once over others and getting lashed at again. I fucked up big time. I don’t know how to fix it or anything. I want to run and hide or die. It’s fucking rough and I feel like an absolute piece of shit. Idk how to feel anything else bc I think of me voicing it I was selfish. Everyone keeps saying how that’s totally wrong and it was a lack of communication and a bad situation all around but I still feel like I’m to blame. Idk what to do…

So Kitt gave me the instructions of giving myself a few days (until Monday) to be without true feelings and emotions. To just kinda get by being here but not looking into too much of my feelings. Kinda distract myself. And to write it down, everything I’m feeling. So here I am.

I hurt them today and it’s gonna be a long time until I can forgive myself. Idk if I truly even can. It weighs on me hearing I caused someone so much pain like that. It’s really hard and so yeah. It’s 12:35am on Friday night/Saturday morning. I’m sitting on my sisters couching wanting to self harm but I can’t, there’s children present in the house. But how do I forgive myself for this? Why couldn’t I just be okay with it or force myself to be okay? I just feel like I completely fucked up big time.

[polandspringz]

vent//

wrote this in my planner and probably should just keep it to myself but i like the feeling of yelling into the void, bc most ppl won’t click on a vent post but theres the destructive self satisfaction of the belief that maybe someone will- anyway, my normal method of dealing with these feelings is to warp them into a self indulgent fanfic that changes enough about what im thinking so that its not accusatory, but helps me by just getting my thoughts out but gives me an uplifting feeling, a better conclusion to whatever im frustrated about (if you read my designing in devildom fic, the birthday fic from last year was an example of that) anyway, if you see any weirdly flowery phrases in this vent (to whoever is actually reading this, hello) its sort of my way to also practice my writing, because i cannot write or think without a voice telling me i’m on a stage and need to tell someone or have someone listen, and there it is again

anyway for the third time, that’s sort of what this vent is about- the core of it really. im just a college student whose very lonely near the end of her week in the dorms. ive been very frustrated as of late because i tried to get out a competition project my professor suggested i do but i wasnt forceful enough and now theyre doubling down on me doing it; its weird because last year this time around i was lunging at every possible opportunity, but now i don’t want anything to do with it. so i’ve been anxious about that all day. i also start work tomorrow as an assistant to said professor, and that’s also stressing me out partially. i cried during a class w/ another professor bc i was just so stressed and overthinking my lack of creativity, but, well, you know the word that’s coming next. anyway-

anyway anyway, back to being lonely. it’s been a feeling thats been building up since the pandemic, and i know everyone experienced it to some extent, and outside of the pandemic, everyone experiences it to some extent as they get older. HS friends part ways as college happens, but its still distressing. for me, first one friend went away, then it was two. granted, i had already been feeling the 2nd friendship fray, so that one hasn’t been that painful, but it’s been the successive ones in recent months. one of my friends get medicine for their focus, and i hate to say this, but they’ve become a boring person. they don’t have time to watch things anymore, all they do is work, work, work. the one thing we had started to really bond over, anime, they now have no time for. and it gets tiring staring back at days and weeks of unanswered messages even when you’re only sending them something funny you know they would appreciate

and its that same sort of feeling for the other friendships that ive been feeling stressed about. i know that other ppl get burnt out too and im supposed to respect people’s need to space, i understand that, and it’s because i understand that that i keep feeling guilty over being upset. i want to stress to the imaginary audience that its not just one message goes unanswered and i get upset, its days of it. when it goes from someone you used to talk to 24/7 to nothing, it can be shocking, and this pattern has been happening to me for a while. in a way, i suppose i do have trauma associated with it (little t trauma for clarification) because i had a friend in middle school that I drifted apart from mid high school because we were at separate schools, and they stopped talking to me slowly until something happened when we tried to hang out that really upset me, and i got mad about it but didn’t communicate it well and then we barely spoke again. i don’t like internalizing these feelings, but i don’t know how to bring these things up without berating myself for not respecting people’s space and then i continue to spiral. but anyway, i got off track again-

with my other friendships, its the same sort of thing. one of the reasons i question whether im neurodivergent or not is because in the past few years i have felt myself being overly conscious of social situations. i think about maintaining eye contact as i do it, i tell myself to nod and smile and react to things people say. i realized at sometime in hs that i needed to be more equivalent exchange about things with my friends, and i hate feeling like this but its almost like a tally system in my head- for everything i ask my friends to watch i try and watch or do something for them to even out the friendship, because otherwise i feel like im too overwhelming, i need to restrain myself because otherwise they’ll get annoyed that everything’s always about ME, and i don’t want my friends to dislike me, i want them to be my friends, so it really hurts me when ive been putting in a lot of mental work to try and “be a good friend” so i don’t upset ppl and then i don’t receive that back or at least not in the exchange i expected; i.e. we watch a show you like, now we watch one i like, i give you a gift, you give me a gift back eventually (does not need to be physical gift, some acknowledgement, some thank you, etc.) i mention shows in particular since im normally recommending anime to ppl frequently, and i know it probably doesn’t show bc it seems like i recommend everything i watch that i like, but i really do think a lot about whether a show has something in it my friends would like- even if its not their normal genre, i see there’s something in it, a dynamic, the artwork, something, and there was a time where it felt like ppl were almost making a joke out of telling me No everytime i tried to recommend them something, like it was funny to shut me down like that, but luckily i have moved past that feeling

but anyway, right now im just lonely. tired of seeing my own messages staring back at me. i want replies to my messages, but then i feel guilty, that its not deserved, because there are times where i dont reply to those that were also sent. its that equivalent exchange thing again, where i cant be mad because even though i am experiencing this x amount of times, i did the same thing y amount of times, so i shouldnt be mad because it’s normal. but im just lonely. i dont really have friends on campus yet, not any true friends that im not desperately trying to appear normal around (the way i try and act SO normal around my roommate is insane). the people that i do know on campus always forget to make plans when they say we should. the clubs i try to join end up giving me more anxiety than fun. i eat alone in the dining hall, i walk alone to class among the groups of friends. i have eaten two meals with other people on campus by plan/coincidence since september. it hit me today that registration for the fall and housing would be beginning soon, and i had the realization that i don’t know what one of my friend’s, one of the few that are still in state, will be doing after they finish up there work at their current college and need to transfer somewhere. they will probably be going to join my other two friends out of state. its not my life so it’s not my decision to have a part in, and i didnt feel bitter when i realized that they probably wont be joining me at my school since registration is so soon, but i did feel sad. i dreamt about another hs friend last night who i have long since lost contact with. i don’t know what im going to be doing when i get out of school

random other vent to end on, but i cant stop thinking about stickers. ive been internalizing this as well, but going back to the gift giving thing, ive been very frustrated bc someone offered to buy me stickers for my birthday last month, so i sent them a list. they asked for my list again, forgetting that i had already gave it to them. i resent it. days went by and nothing, i knew they were forgetting, but it was too awkward to bring up, and i felt selfish and awful for keeping track of it in my head. eventually, i had an impulse purchase want, and they said they would buy that for me instead. i was torn, bc while i wanted the new item, i was upset that they had forgotten again about the stickers. i really had wanted them, and i wasnt able to buy them myself because the shipping was expensive, but for a birthday gift i reasoned that it would be acceptable since it was only a few items. i decided on the trade off of the new item, thinking the person would remember it better. they forgot. then a video game came out and i really wanted it but i was betting on either saving up for it when my job started, or i wouldve used the gift cards my mom gets as rewards for shopping in an app to pay for it since she always gives the rewards to me. but bc the person hadnt gotten me a gift yet and other ppl knew about it, my mom basically told them to buy me the video game and so i got that. so now i feel like im not allowed to be mad about the stickers. but the thing that made it worse was the whole time while i was waiting for the stickers/ them to read my list in the first few days, they were buying stickers for themselves. and they were showing them to me. and i couldnt help but think how i wanted them. and it still hurts, like i hate how i still feel bitter when they show me their stickers, because all i can think about is how i didnt get what i wanted, and it makes me feel like a selfish, ungrateful person. it didnt help that it was coupled by another person forgetting about me around the same time, another thing im too scared to bring up irl because i know that nothing good can come of it! there’s no way to tell someone something like this without sounding selfish and like you’re whining, i hate it, and i hate it because i should be happy now and leave it in the past, but i cant

[disasterfanficauthor]

Will probably get hate for this but why do people like Alphys. I cannot bring myself to forgive her for the whole experimenting on people and not telling their families thing. I was already iffy about her bc of her whole savior complex with villainizing Mettaton so she could be this hero to the player and then the True Lab thing??? I’m sorry but I cannot understand why everyone puts her on this crazy pedestal. Honestly find it so bizarre people are focusing on the repeated messages in Hotland when True Lab exists and is a much more valid reason to hate her.

[camphorror]

last week i was talking with a friend about a***d thru like whatsapp voice messages and legit almost crying bc i cannot take it anymore etcetcetc lol and she helped me reach the conclusion i either need to cut contact/decrease contact for my own sake or just try to bring myself to saying something because the current situation is just Not Good and i was like ur right it's so true i agree i should do it (it= decrease contact lol. too pussy to ever ever say anything) and i told her i think a good way to do this is to just not to initiate or engage in any plans to do something together on the week and a half long vacation off work we have. so i was like all set on trying to change something but then earlier today we are standing on a crowded bus in almost complete silence no chit chat even and he tells me "i think next week on wednesday or thursday i'm gonna be because in hai.fa, do you wanna do something together? like whatever you want" and then i am stupid so i said 'yes sure' 🤪

[avintagekiss24]

Hi! I don't want to start anything on here and am always willing for civil conversations. At this point there's so much I've found out about Seb (besides the video he liked, the tommy lee thing, and the girlfriend thing) that I feel so guilty if I would continue to support him. I love him sm but it just doesn't look good rn. He is associated/follows an organisation (for helping veterans) that has posted a blue lives matter flag picture and who's co-founder has sexual assault allegations against him, and worked with him in 'The last full measure'. His friend Paul Walter Hauser has done blackface in the past, and when called out on it he just listed a few people that also did blackface. There's more, I found a discussion on here that I can link. I seriously don't support "cancel culture" bc I don't think it helps anyone but there are just a lot of 'mistakes' and shady people that can be linked to Seb, I wish it wouldn't be that way. I honestly don't know what to think about it anymore.

Hi! I’m also open to having civil conversations and I don’t believe you’re trying to start anything. I really do think this situation of dragging up a four year old video and taking it completely out of context is harmful not just to Black people, but to fandom/activism in general. This is gonna be long because I’m going to take your points one by one, and I want to preface this by saying that I will not answer any derogatory, sideways asks pertaining to this subject. I will delete every single one and will block your silly ass. I’m not going to argue with people who think I’m blindly supporting Sebastian because I’m just trying to get fucked by him, or people who think I hate myself and am trying to appease some white man.

So, on with the discourse!

The video he liked - this video was taken completely out of context and that is my main issue with this whole situation. It was not a video of a white man saying that he thinks he should be able to say the n word as everyone claimed it was. They were quickly debating on whether or not it's okay to say in rap lyrics. He was told no, that's not okay, that's never okay and they moved on from it. That's it. End of story. That somehow was twisted into a click bait style headline of "Sebastian Stan likes a video of a white man defending his right to say the n word" when that is absolutely not true. My other issue is that people are more upset that Sebastian liked the video than they are about the white man in the video literally saying the n word. So, do you really care about the use of the n word like you're claiming? Cuz if you do, you'd be more upset at the white man that said the word than you would be about the white man simply liking the video. Or, are you just using this as an excuse to grandstand against a white man you don't like?

The Tommy Lee thing - Sebastian Stan playing Tommy Lee does not make Sebastian Stan a bad person. Is Charlize Theron a bad person for playing Aileen Wuornos, a prostitute who started murdering men? Is Leonardo DiCaprio a bad person for playing a slave owner? Is Edward Norton a bad person for playing a nazi sympathizing racist? Actors play bad people. That doesn't mean that they themselves are bad people. 1990's Tommy Lee was a bad person, but that should have no bearing on who Sebastian Stan is or his character as a man.

The gf/Paul Walter Hauser thing - Why are we holding Sebastian accountable for what the people around him are doing? Again, why are we more upset that Sebastian is associated with people who have done questionable things than the specific people themselves? I'm not going to speak on the kimono wearing -- I'm not Asian. It's not my place to say whether or not its offensive because it's not my culture, but she posted that picture and attended that party before she started dating Sebastian, quite possibly before she even knew him. Same with Paul. I think that black face thing was long before he knew Sebastian. Now, if Sebastian was defending these actions, going around saying "I think it's okay for white women to wear Kimono's" "I think black face is fine" "I think white people should be able to say the n word" then we'd have a different story, wouldn't we? But that's not what we have, and that's not what he is doing. He is not responsible for the things his friends do or have done in the past just because he's more famous than they are, and he is not required to speak on them. Let's put it this way -- would you be comfortable having to be responsible for something a friend of yours did before you knew them? Would you want to have to be forced to answer for your friend when you yourself had nothing to do with the questionable behavior?

The organization that supports the military/blue lives matter - Sebastian cannot control what message that foundation puts out and it does not mean that he is or is not pro-police himself. There is not enough concrete evidence -- if any evidence for that matter -- that Sebastian is a blue lives matter supporter. Did Sebastian donate before they put up the blue lives matter post? Or after? I don’t know, cuz I don’t follow him that closely, but if he donates before they come out with a particular stance, that means he should be held accountable for that? I know I donated to an organization once and they turned out to support something that i’m 100% against. That means I’m a bad person because I couldn’t see into the future? Another point, how can we be certain that Sebastian saw the blue lives matter post in the first place? I know I’m not online 24 hrs a day, I miss posts all the time and I’m just an average person. I make three or four tumblr posts a day, and I’m gone. I have to play catch up on social media, and even then, I still miss stuff. So I’m sure the same happens to a working actor. As for the co-founder, I don't know who this person is and would rather not get into any allegations against them because I don't want to trigger anyone who comes across this post. If Sebastian knows about these allegations, is a willing participant/supporter of this person then yeah, that's pretty shitty, but we don't know the inner workings of this friendship/acquaintance/work relationship. We don’t know how close they are or if they even still speak.

I’m a pretty big fan of Don Cheadle. He’s a stand up guy, he’s a great actor, he’s funny, he’s political and stands up for what he believes in and in a very public way. I support him. Don Cheadle is also friends with Chris Evans, RDJ, Mark Ruffalo, and Letitia Wright (just to name a few). Chris Evans has a bipartisan forum that highlights/promotes right wing politicians, RDJ defended Chris Pratt during the whole “he’s the worst Chris in Hollywood” crap, who’s technically done black face, and who once said to a female reporter “nice tits” when she walked into the room, Mark Ruffalo just walked back his support of Palestine, and Letitia Wright retweeted/supported an anti-vaxxer/anti-trans Pastor who equated an ingredient of the covid vaccine to the devil because it contained some parts of the word Lucifer. Does that mean Don is now a bad person because he’s friends with these people? Why isn’t he getting any heat for his friendships with them? Why isn’t he being held accountable for what they’ve done and said? Oh right, because he’s not a white fave. So people don’t care one way or the other, which brings me to my next point. 

I can guarantee you that if Sebastian’s gf or Paul or this co-founder were not associated with Sebastian in any way, nobody would give a shit about her wearing a kimono, about Paul doing black face, or about the co-founder/organization being blue lives matter supporters and in that lies the actual problem. Being critical of people and their actions should be consistent and should happen all the time -- not just when they interact with your white fave. That’s when it becomes performative and looks like you just want to be able to show internet people that you follow/support/stan unproblematic celebrities, when really, you don’t care.

I think the moral of this post is that I think it's unfair to hold a complete stranger to a standard that I cannot hold myself to. I also don't view celebrities the way most teenagers/twenty somethings do, and that’s because when I entered fandom we didn't have social media, so I grew up with a wall between myself and said celebrities. There is no wall now with the presence of social media. "Fans" nowadays have a weird ownership feeling over celebrities because they can read their personal thoughts or view personal pictures and think that they have this personal quasi-friendship with them. I can't get on board with that. I prefer having the wall and I still keep the wall.

If supporting Sebastian makes you uncomfortable, then by all means, stop supporting him. Just make sure you are making this decision for yourself based on credible sources and concrete evidence and that you're not letting this fake woke activist mob make you feel uncomfortable. Internet activism means nothing unless you put your money where your mouth is in your real life and 90% of the social justice internet warriors do not. Real activism is bigger than changing your avi to a black square.

[hongism]

as you wish - jaehyun smut

pairing: jaehyun x female reader

genre: ceo!jaehyun, assistant!reader, smut, absolute filth guys

word count: 3544

warnings: daddy kink, semi-public smut, choking, thigh riding, facefucking, deepthroating, throat bulging, oral sex: male receiving, oral: female receiving, sir kink, size kink, unprotecc sex, cum eating, cum swallowing, creampie, fingering, filth, absolute filth, fucking filth y'all, corruption kink, overuse of baby girl and princess, possessive!jaehyun, hair pulling, multiple orgasms, dirty talk, dom!jaehyun, sub!reader, teasing, breast play, nipple play, pussy slapping, overstimulation, praise, basically both have a pain kink, reader cries bc jaehyun's big dick is that good, this is not a proper boss assistant relationship like y'all no, but do i care? fuck that no I don't, yes this is kick it jaehyun, no don't come for me jfc this warning list is LONG

summary: maybe you and your boss don't have the most professional relationship, but he's so good at fucking you that you don't think twice about it.

a/n: ...don't ask. this is gratuitous smut and absolute filth and I have zero shame, so don't ask pls this is for @parksfilter​ @franklytae​ and myself. also thank you dearest fram for this sexy ass banner :3

…

...

“Sir? Your 4 o’clock appointment came by early.” You step into the dimly lit office to find your boss sitting behind his desk, as usual, eyes glued to his computer even as you speak. “Mr. Jung,” you speak a bit louder in hopes of catching his attention. Sure enough the man glances up at you, dark eyes finding yours as he looks at you over the rim of his glasses.

“Yes, Miss L/N?”

“Your 4 o’clock.”

“It’s 3:36, Miss L/N. Not 4 o’clock. You’re early. As is my client.”

“Well sir, Mr. Kim asked me to remind you that you were rather late to the last meeting.” You grin at your boss, teeth shining through the smile. His lips quirk into a small smile. “So, Jaehyun, who’s fault was that?”

“Yours actually, Y/N. Someone was taking her sweet time… taking care of business. Go tell Mr. Kim that I will see him at 4 o’clock and no sooner.” Jaehyun pushes his chair back from the desk, eyes still not leaving yours, and steps around the side of the wood. His fingers run along the surface. He barely traces it, a delicate touch that makes you think of less than holy things. “I meant now, Miss L/N. I only have 21 minutes to conduct certain business with you.”

“Of course, Mr. Jung. I’ll be back shortly.” You turn on your heel, spinning to face the door, and step out with haste. Jaehyun’s eyes follow you as you go, you can feel the heat of his gaze on your backside. The door clicks shut behind you though and blocks the feel of his eyes for the time being. “Mr. Kim!” You greet with a wide grin. Said man’s eyes flit up to yours as you smile down at the place where he awaits you.

“Is Jaehyun ready for me?”

“No, actually. He asked that we wait until 4 o’clock precisely. He has a bit of paperwork that needs to be concluded before your meeting if that’s alright?”

“I thought you were supposed to mention his previous–”

“I did, but as you know, I answer to my boss’s orders only. I’ll come back to bring you in at 4 o’clock, Mr. Kim.”

“Ah, I see, Miss. As you wish.” The man sitting before you nods his head once at you.

“Actually sir, it’s as Mr. Jung wishes, but I’ll pass on the message.”

Your heels click against the hard floor as you walk away from the businessman. A smile still plays at your lips because you know what’s waiting for you behind your boss’ door. You don’t bother knocking before stepping back into his office. One hand trails over the dark wood, slipping over the lock and twisting it to the right, then you turn to face Jaehyun.

“Miss L/N, what did my client say?” He asks from his place in front of his desk. The suit fits him too well, and you see that now that he’s standing before you in full glory like this.

“As you wish, Mr. Jung.” You walk towards the man, hand on your collar, and pop the top three buttons of your blouse open.

“Hmm, I quite like the sound of that, Miss L/N.” He reaches out to snatch you by the waist. “Wearing a red number under a white shirt is a bit risky, don’t you think?”

“Do you think so? Maybe you’ll have to punish me for it then… sir.” Jaehyun’s hand trails up from your waist, delicate touch brushing the valley between your breasts. Goosebumps rise across your skin as he touches you. He hums at the sight, lips quirking into a small smirk at the same time, then glances up to your face before speaking again.

“Something tells me you’d like to be punished though, princess.” You roll your eyes at the comment. Stopping your gaze on the wall over to your right, you check the clock.

“19 minutes, Jaehyun.”

“Careful with that mouth, princess, or I’ll just go ahead and cancel the meeting altogether.” Jaehyun leans forward to press his warm lips against the column of your neck.

“You wouldn’t,” you whisper before letting your head fall back under Jaehyun’s ministrations. He chuckles against your skin. It sends ripples of pleasure through you, and you are forced to bite back the moan threatening to climb out of your mouth.

“As you wish,” he mutters back before leaning away from you. Twisting, you try to pull away from the man, but he locks you in place with his thighs, squeezing you between them before you can step back. He turns to his phone and taps away at some buttons while keeping one hand firmly on your waist. “Mr. Kim! Yes, yes, it’s Jaehyun. I hate to do this so last minute, but we had some paperwork complications come up just now. Would we be able to push the meeting to 5 o’clock? Yes? Wonderful. Again, I’m sorry for the inconvenience.” The call ends a moment later, and Jaehyun returns to smirking at you.

“I cannot believe you,” you hiss out. Your boss merely laughs. One hand slips between your legs to push them apart. The tight material of your skirt stops him from continuing the motion. You have to smile at the almost annoyed gleam that crosses Jaehyun’s eyes as he realizes the obstruction; however, it doesn’t last long because he pushes the material up over your thighs and ass for better access. You sink down onto Jaehyun’s thick muscled thigh before you know it.

“I have a lot of paperwork to attend to since my assistant got snippy.” Jaehyun’s teeth drag across his lower lip. He rocks his thigh upward. Pressure hits your clit, bringing a sharp wave of pleasure over you, and you grab him by the shoulders to stabilize yourself. “Fuck yourself against my thigh, baby girl. I wanna see my good little girl get off on Daddy’s thigh.”

“F-Fuck–” you gasp as Jaehyun rocks against you, not giving you a chance to speak or breathe before he yanks you closer by the collar.

“That’s an order, baby girl.”

“Yes–yes sir.” You slowly drag your body forward, letting the feel of his muscled leg against your core wash over you. Jaehyun’s fingers work at the rest of the buttons on your blouse. He works them open deftly before reaching around your back to pop the clasp of your bra. You do him the favor of yanking both your blouse and bra off. They’re thrown somewhere behind you, but you don’t have time to glance back and check because Jaehyun’s lips are latching around one of your nipples without warning. You instinctively buck against him. “Fu-uck.” A small whine leaves your lips as Jaehyun’s tongue swirls around your sensitive bud. He gives a sharp suck to it. You watch the skin rise up under his lips, teeth sinking into your lower lip. His other hand finds its way to your other breast and massaging it with his large hand. He pulls off with a cocky grin to his lips.

“You sound so innocent and needy. No matter how many times I corrupt you, you still act all innocent.” Another whine slips out, Jaehyun’s long fingers toying with your nipples as he speaks. “Listen to yourself. I want to ruin you. Turn you into my own little slut.” Jaehyun pushes up, bringing you with him, and you yet again have to brace yourself on his shoulders.

“You haven’t ruined me yet, sir.” Lifting a hand to Jaehyun’s face, you trace his sharp jawline with your index finger. The light touch coaxes goosebumps out of his skin, ones that rise to meet your finger as you move along his features. “But I would quite like it if you did.” Your words come out like a purr. They have a visceral effect on Jaehyun, his whole body lurching forward and pushing your back to the edge of his desk roughly. The sensation sends ripples of pain through your body only for a moment before it passes and leaves you quivering in excitement underneath him.

“Turn around. Now.”

You don’t wait to be told twice and spin as quickly as you’re able to given Jaehyun’s close proximity to you. A hand comes down against your ass. The skin ripples under Jaehyun’s touch. Even with your underwear, you’re certain that his touch will leave a nice handprint across your skin. Besides the underwear doesn’t last long. Jaehyun yanks it down with one hand, the other finds your bare back and pushes you until your face presses against his desk. Something is digging into your stomach – probably his stapler or something of the like – and you try your best to wiggle it out of the way. Jaehyun must think you’re attempting to misbehave though because his hand comes down against your ass again. The sting is sharper this time now that you aren’t wearing any underwear, but you revel in it nonetheless.

“Da-addy, something’s hurting my side,” you call out to the man behind you.

“Oh? I should’ve cleaned the desk off beforehand. My apologies, baby girl.” The hand on your back snakes it’s way up to your head, latching onto your hair and yanking your body back. A wanton moan escapes at the sharp tug. Jaehyun ignores your whining in favor of sweeping his belongings to the side, leaving an open space for you to fall back against when he releases your hair. “I’ll make it up to you, princess, don’t worry.”

“I never do,” you giggle back. You can see his form out the corner of your eye. He must know that you can as well because he’s making a show out of taking his jacket off and rolling his sleeves up his forearms. You have to bite your lip to keep a moan from slipping out. Then, Jaehyun dips out of sight.

Cold fingers brush your slick folds, toying with the wetness pooled at your core. You gasp and lurch further forward on his desk, blindly grasping for some sort of support as he pushes two digits in without warning. The stretch is sudden and a bit uncomfortable at first, but soon he’s working you open like it’s common practice. The pads of his fingers toy around your sweet spot, teasing and prodding but never fully touching it, and you buck your hips back against his fingers in attempts to get him to hit that spot. It almost works, but Jaehyun crooks his fingers inside you at the same time. The suddenness of the action catches you off-guard. It also brings you to your first orgasm, walls clenching around his thick fingers, pulsing and tightening on him as you ride out your orgasm.

“Naughty naughty, little girl.” His tongue clicks against the roof of his mouth. “Roll over, face up.” Your mind is a bit muddled and fuzzy already. Jaehyun smacks the flat of his hand against your wet pussy, and it brings a jolt through you, an encouragement to get moving and roll over faster. Apparently, it’s still not fast enough for Jaehyun because he yanks you forward by the legs until your cunt is right in front of his lips. You nearly clench your thighs around his head just at the sight of him between your legs like that, but you resist the temptation in favor of throwing your head back in pleasure. He drags the flat of his tongue against your sopping folds. It’s slow at first, almost teasing in the way he laps at your heat, but he seems to realize that the two of you are still on a time crunch. Next thing you know, his tongue is prodding at your entrance. He builds up a quick rhythm, no longer wasting time in fucking his tongue in and out of you, and you reach down to grab hold of his hair. Fingers intertwine with his dark locks, and he groans against your pussy. The vibrations go straight to your clit, sending waves of pleasure through you. It’s enough to send another orgasm through your body, and it’s like little jolts of electricity shoot through you, making you see stars.

“O-Oh fu-fuck Jaehyun, fuck fuck. Fuck, Jaehyun, ju-ust like that, please. Yes, yes, yes,” you ramble, already halfway to losing yourself in the pleasure despite barely getting started. Jaehyun chuckles against you, sucking at your sensitive clit as he pulls off you.

“It seems that someone forgot what my title is.” A hand slaps your cunt. The sound that resonates is a wet and disgusting one, one that has you writhing under Jaehyun’s touch and has him slapping your pussy again when you fail to respond. “Get it right, slut. You have two options. Say them both.”

“S-Sir!” You cry out when his palm hits your clit again. “Sir an-and Daddy.”

“Good girl.” Jaehyun coos and rewards you with a small kiss pressed to your clit. “Up. I wanna fuck your pretty little mouth.” You prop yourself up on your elbows, chest heaving as you look up at Jaehyun, who’s getting to his feet himself. The sight distracts you a moment. His hair is ruffled and unkempt thanks to your touch, tie off-kilter and loose, lips and chin glistening with your juices, and it’s such a breathtaking sight that you lose your train of thought. “I said up.” Jaehyun pulls you back to reality by tugging your body forward, fingers clenched around your hips and pulling you off the desk. You nearly fall face first into his crotch, nose actually bumping the bulge in his trousers. He’s nearly bursting out of his pants. You grin at the thought of the large present hiding behind the material and resituate yourself so that you’re more comfortable on your knees before him.

“Yes sir,” you murmur as your fingers work his buttons and zipper apart. One sharp tug to the band of his pants and underwear is enough to spring his cock loose. He’s quite blessed, to be frank – thick and long, such that you have to use two hands to cover his whole length.

“Don’t just stare at me, baby girl.‌ Get to work.” You do as told, moistening your lips, then take the head of his cock into your mouth. He hisses at the contact. Your eyes snap up to his face as he makes the sound and gauge his reaction. He looks pleased already, tongue toying with the corner of his mouth while watching you bop your head up and down along his member. You hum around him. “F-Fuck, baby girl, let me fuck your mouth. Let me fuck it, shit.” His hand works its way into your hair and tightens around it. He lets you pull off to catch your breath once, a thin line of saliva connecting your lips and his shaft, then he pushes it back into your mouth. It fills you up before you’re even halfway down his member.‌ He keeps pushing and pushing though, and you thank your lucky stars for the lack of a gag reflex because you feel his cock press its way into your throat.

Jaehyun hisses above you. You can’t look up at him, too focused on his member, but he keeps groaning and hissing so much that you have to glance up at his expression. His eyes aren’t locked on your mouth or his cock, rather he’s looking past both things. The hand in your hair shifts, a light touch tracing down your skin until it reaches your throat.

“Fuck, you’re so tiny that my big cock bulges in your little throat. That’s the hottest shit I’ve ever seen, baby girl. Look at you.” Jaehyun’s hand slips back up to your hair and latches on. He braces himself on it, thrusting slowly in and out of your mouth. He presses into your throat with each thrust. The corners of your eyes are moist with tears, and they’ll begin to fall before he cums, but you try to focus on breathing around his fat cock rather than the tears. “You take my dick so well, princess. You’re doing so well, fu-uck. Such a good little slut for Daddy, aren’t you?” You can neither nod nor hum in approval around him, his cock filling you up too much to do either. Jaehyun doesn’t seem to expect an answer though. He keeps fucking your mouth, pace speeding up more and more as time goes on, and breathing is becoming more and more of a struggle. Still, he’s close and hot cum spills down your throat a moment later, nearly choking you from the sheer quantity of it and the lack of air in your lungs. Bringing a hand up to his hip, you drum your fingers against his bare skin three times, a small signal that you need him to pause for you. He pulls out immediately. “Are you alright, love?” He asks as you gasp for breath. The hand in your hair reaches around to cup your chin, lifting your face to his. Jaehyun stoops down to be eye to eye with you. “Color?”

“G-Green,” you gasp out. A small smile spreads across your lips as you see the relief in Jaehyun’s eyes. He must still be concerned though because your tears are already falling. “Fuck me, sir. Fuck me please?”

“Absolutely, baby girl. How do you want me?”

“Fuck me from behind. Bend me over your desk?” You plead as Jaehyun drags his fingers over your tear stricken cheeks.

“Ask nicely first, baby girl.”

“Daddy please bend me over your desk and fu-uck me like the little slut I am,” you beg, writhing under him.

“There we go, slut.” Jaehyun pulls you up by the arms and drags you over to his desk. You whine as he roughly pushes you up against it, letting him manhandle you into the position he wants you in, and there’s a sick sort of pleasure in letting him move you around like you’re his toy. Your face meets the cold wood of his desk again, cheek pressed to the surface so that you can look back and see what Jaehyun is doing behind you. His member is already hardening again, thanks to some help from his messy jerks, and within a few moments, he’s pressing the head against your wet hole.

He starts with a slow push. Despite his preparations, your cunt is still extremely tight around him. He takes extra care in thrusting slowly into you until he’s buried all the way in you. You whine at the sensation of being completely filled up by Jaehyun, coupled with your sensitive state from already orgasming twice. He goes slow at first; shallow and dragged out thrusts until you both get used to the sensation. Then, his speed picks up, thick member dragging across your slick velvety walls. Moans tumble from your lips without ceasing. You can’t bother being quiet as the sensation of Jaehyun’s cock in your tight pussy is too good for you to think straight. He groans as your walls tighten around him, clenching in rhythm with his quick thrusts.

“Fuck, you’re so tight, baby girl. No mat–no matter how many times I fuck you, you’re always so tight. Is my cock the only one you take? Are you my dirty little slut?”

“Yes, yes, Daddy, yes. I am sir, I’m yours. Only yours. Fuuuck I’m all yours.” Jaehyun’s thrusts speed up as you speak those words.

“That’s right, baby girl. All mine.” He’s already starting to falter with the rhythm of his thrusts, and with the way his cock is curving against your g spot, you know that you’re going to hit another high any second now. “Cum for me, baby girl. Cum around Daddy’s cock, yea?” You release a whine. Jaehyun gives a particularly harsh thrust, and it’s enough to send you over the brink and into another wave of orgasming. Your sight all but goes white from the sensation, stars in the corners of your vision. Jaehyun follows close behind.‌ Your walls tightening and pulsating around his member brings him to another orgasm himself. Hot seed pushes into you, filling you up, and you moan at the warmth in you. Jaehyun pants above you. Sweat on his brow, white shirt clinging to his body and showing the tan skin underneath, he cages you in with his arms.

“Damn,” you exhale as the orgasm passes.

“Damn is right.” Jaehyun pulls his softening member out of you. The absence of his cock immediately makes you feel cold, especially as you feel his cum sliding out of your pussy as well. “You did so well, baby girl. So so well.”

“Thank you, sir,” you mumble, too spent to say anything else.

“Now I hate to break it to you, but there’s a 5 o’clock appointment I need you to go fetch for me.”

“Oh fuck off!”‌ You call out, huffing as Jaehyun’s hands run over the curve of your ass. He chuckles to himself. “You can go get him yourself and explain why you’re late.”

“That’s for my assistant to do.”

“Your assistant seems to do a lot of things for you,” you counter.

“She’s quite good at her job, I must say. Now, let’s get you cleaned up and dressed properly again?”

“As you wish, Mr. Jung.”

...

a/n: ...i have no words tbh buuuuut i hope you guys do!!! please let me know what you think and share your feedback with me!

all these works are copyright 2020 calypso, jungtaeyoongles, all rights reserved.

[bettsfic]

Sick part of a sick thing was incredible (I’m on the last chapter and cannot bring myself to finish bc I read the warnings lolll it’s self preservation) but I just wanted to say I love your writing and your advice you posted was so helpful. I also know exactly what you meant when you were talking about your family, in the sense that they have emergencies down to a fine art, mine do too, not to brag but I could plan a funeral in my sleep bc we’ve had so many (I use humor to cope if you couldnt tell). I’m only 21 but I feel like we’re v similar and I love your blog & had to send u a message 🫶🏻🤍 can’t wait to read more of your stuff!!!! I

sometimes when my sister says something about my dad, she'll stomp her foot on the ground and shout downward, "isn't that right, dad?" so yeah, definitely get the humor thing.

also if you do want to read the final chapter, if it's the dark stuff you're wanting to avoid, chrissy's recovery (and by that i mean she's safe living with eddie, although she's still struggling with ptsd and med side effects) begins at the section starting with "Eddie fights her battles."

please let me know if you'd like a more detailed description of the chapter or anything!