#and may the legacies of your prematurely ended lives be filled with peace

[tea-stained]

Honestly, the Aaron Bushnell situation is... Unbelievable. And I mean, the way he was just, burning there. And I don't mean the death itself.

I mean the sheer determination and willpower.

I know what fire feels like on the skin. The pain.

That reaction was borderline inhuman. The dedication is horrifying.

These sounds, of how he was coherent until the very end. That's what scares me. What must've he known to have the drive to sound like... This.

Now, normally, when you burn to death, you would convulse in pain, letting out incoherent, terrible, almost inhuman screams, because it's just this fucking painful.

But that's not the case here. That's... Not what happened.

The way he handled it is haunting. The way he felt the pain of all the victims, men, women, non-binary people, children, all dying torturous deaths, living lives of pain in Palestine more than his own, is just so, so, much more than anything I've ever seen.

This is more than any eldritch horror, more than any body horror, psychological horror, more than anything.

This screams louder than any words as to what is happening in Palestine.

How much suffering there is, not to feel pain of one's very own body.

And people calling him insane, mentally ill, fucked up? That's plain disgusting, this ignorance towards suffering. This ignorance towards what's going on.

Is this an attempt at distancing oneself from the genocide? "oh, he just was insane", as in "i don't understand"? Simply turning a blind eye towards everything? Towards this death, more gruesome, more brutal, more heartbreaking than if he were to simply scream in pain?

What a beautiful person he was, to feel this much pain of others, not to even react to his own.

Free Palestine. Never stop talking. Never let people forget innocent humans whose pain is beyond imaginable. Every single one had a name, a future. These are not just statistics.

Free Palestine.

[inactiive-shit]

House of Memories

Sanders Sides

Pairing: ex-anxceit

Warnings: mentioned abusive past (no details)

Summary: Twelve years. Twelve years of his life that he had spent in love and loving it, twelve years he had spent making plans and working toward a future for them to have, twelve years that ache, twelve years that burn to think about, twelve years that blind him to everything else. Or: Virgil and Janus break up. Virgil feels afloat, with nothing tethering him to who he is or who he was. He's not sure where to start.

~~~~~

If you’re a lover, you should know the lonely moments just get lonelier

The longer you’re in love than if you were alone

Memories turn into daydreams, become a taboo

 ~~~

Virgil stares at the wall but he doesn’t really see much of anything.

Twelve years. Twelve years of his life that he had spent in love and loving it, twelve years he had spent making plans and working toward a future for them to have, twelve years that ache, twelve years that burn to think about, twelve years that blind him to everything else.

He’s never felt so distinctly without himself. He has never been the kind of person who staked everything he was on someone else, but at this very moment, sitting in his new apartment filled with boxes that only contain his stuff, Virgil is hard pressed to find himself in any of it. Where did he go? How do you lose yourself?

How do you lose twelve years of love and trust in the blink of an eye? What did he do wrong? Where did they fall apart, fall away from each other? Where did all their love go? If he had been more interested in Janus’ passions, if Janus came home earlier, if they spent more time together, could things have been different? Were they always destined to leave each other this fucking broken?

He shouldn’t even be thinking about that. It won’t help anything.

 ~~~

I don’t want to be afraid, the deeper I go

It takes my breath away-

 ~~~

He can remember, though, every little piece of them. He can remember the ways that they were both so scared of falling in love, of loving someone so much they’d give themselves up. The longer they were together, the worse it got, but the better, too.

Janus and him were two sides of the same coin. They understood each other better than anyone else ever had and that was half the fear. Janus knew every bit of Virgil, understood exactly where he was coming from and why, and he could choose to use that information at any moment to hurt Virgil in a way he would not come back from.

But information like that is a two-way street.

Janus trusted him, so unbelievably much, and Virgil had loved and trusted him just the same. He can remember the day he realized it, the first day that he understood what was happening between them was not something that would just fade away with time.

Janus had brought him a flower, and to most that wouldn’t have meant much. But it was the world to Virgil. He had told Janus that he always loved flowers but had never been able to keep any alive, told Janus that flowers reminded him of the people he loved who weren’t around anymore, told Janus that he hated to see flowers stepped on and destroyed because they were so beautiful and so important.

And Janus had brought him one, a purple hyacinth in a pot, and even instructions on how to keep it living. He’d promised they’d take care of the flower together, watch it blossom, and Virgil had never loved anyone more.

 ~~~

-soft hearts, electric souls

Heart to heart and eyes to eyes, is this taboo?

 ~~~

Janus had been amazing, the best person Virgil ever met. It was no wonder that all the things they did together made Virgil find himself deeper and deeper in a hole he couldn’t entirely say he wanted out of.

Janus was, underneath all those protective layers he wore like the most fashionable sweater to ever grace humankind, a giant softie. He loved little animals (it was the reason Virgil had bought him a bunny for their fifth anniversary) and soft music and lilting words. It was a perfect match to Virgil’s closeted love for pretty flowers and baking sweets and peaceful walks.

Even the less happy parts of themselves went together like butter and toast. They could riff off each others’ harsher remarks for days and they were never afraid to say what they thought. (It was a problem, sometimes, being so open. It was so easy to accidentally misuse.)

They would fight with each other, but they would also fight for each other, and with much less provocation. Virgil protected every piece of Janus he knew, and all the ones that would never be his. He didn’t mind secrets; he just minded that Janus was happy and safe. It was a sentiment they both shared.

But when you can see so many parts of someone else and bare just as many parts of yourself to them, things are bound to get messy. When broken people come together, it makes sense that they’ll both leave more broken than before.

Were things supposed to end like this?

 ~~~

Baby, we built this house on memories

Take my picture, shake it till you see it

And when your fantasies become your legacy

Promise me a place, in your house of memories

 ~~~

They bonded, though, over something that Virgil thinks may have been their downfall. The abuse they endured, the yelling and hitting and fighting. Neither one of them had ever known peace in their lives until each other.

Had they latched onto that prematurely?

Virgil before he met Janus was like a snapshot of something nobody wanted to see. He was angry, so fucking angry all the time, and he fought anyone who looked at him, reason or not. He was a monster made from all the bad things that had happened to him, a mess of a person trying to find something that wouldn’t hurt.

Janus was the same, and somehow, that meant safety. It pissed Virgil off, at first, but every rage-fuelled decision he made was met with cold, steely resolve and just as much anger. Janus wouldn’t have let him burn the world down no matter how much he wanted to, and Virgil returned the favor. He was just trying to piss Janus off. It ended up saving them both.

Virgil wonders if Janus still remembers that kid he met, with the spiky hair and rings and anger. The kid who tried to drown them both just because there was so much air around him he didn’t know what to do with it. He wonders if Jansu can forgive that kid, forgive the man he became, once the dust settles. He hopes Janus won’t forget, won’t hang that person out to dry like he was useless.

Once, Virgil would have thought he deserved nothing less. In the time between, Janus has made him realize he deserves a whole hell of a lot more. And no matter what else happens, Janus did love him. He loved Janus. That’s something that shouldn’t be forgotten.

 ~~~

I think of you from time to time, more than I thought I would

You were just too kind and I was too young to know

That’s all that really matters, I was a fool

 ~~~

They were so young when they met, not-quite twenty but every bit the eighty-year-old war veterans Virgil still feels like on the bad days. He remembers how bright they used to be, though, like the angler fish, that light was just costumed anger that lured people in.

Janus saw through it. Virgil did too. And it was so strange, to be seen. It was odd that someone could see through those layers of anger and hate and pain and look at Virgil, stripped down to nothing but the fear, and stick around. It was alien that Virgil would ever do the same.

And yet.

Virgil couldn’t keep Janus off his mind, not when he hated him, not when they were friends, not when they were together. Janus has always been there, a little niggling thought at the back of Virgil’s head, somehow always the one urging him to think before he acted, telling him off for acting like a moron.

The voice ordering him to get better. The only one he listened to.

No matter what else, Virgil knew it was love. He loved Janus, he’ll probably never completely stop loving Janus. He can’t just get rid of twelve years of relearning intimacy, all the years before that of relearning trust and love. He’ll always be thankful to Janus for sticking around when he was so stupid and hurt, for helping him along, for letting Virgil help Janus, too, because he was just as hurt as Virgil was.

Virgil supposes that they were so young, then. It was the first personal relationship he had ever made that he didn’t destroy immediately. It was the first relationship he had that didn’t hurt him like he expected it to. It was the first time ever, for both of them, that everything that went wrong didn’t feel like the end of the world.

They were young and inexperienced. They dived in headfirst without knowing how deep the water could be. Things started like that generally don’t pan out.

Virgil presses his fists into his eyes. Maybe they were both so starved for anything good that they took the first thing that came along and refused to let go. Maybe this has been a long time coming.

 ~~~

Those thoughts of past lovers

They’ll always haunt me

I wish I could believe

You’d never wrong me

 ~~~

Of course, Janus wasn’t his first relationship. The first had been younger, angrier, brasher. Virgil was hurting and the person he was with was too. They took it out on each other and called it happy.

It was a lie they were both deciding to believe. It was the same lie that Virgil was afraid would come back years later to bite him in the ass. It was the same lie that he though Janus might try to sell. It was the same lie he would have bought even though he knew better.

It took so long, three years, in fact, for Virgil to really truly believe that Janus wasn’t going to turn on him any second. It was the flower, the hyacinth, the reason their kitchen sill ended up looking like a bush filled with flowers.

It took Janus shoving one of his own vulnerabilities in his face and saying, I love you.

But neither of them ever really learned how romantic relationships worked, how the two came together to make something stronger. Any encounter they had before each other was just one bad experience after another.

And they were both so scared of this turning out that same way.

 ~~~

Then will you remember

Me in the same way as I remember you

 ~~~

It hadn’t, but there’s some part of Virgil that wishes it had ended sooner. Less memory traps, less things to make him think about the falling in love. (Flowers, cakes, bunnies, Hozier.) Less things to remind him of the being in love. (Concerts, soft pictures, scary movies, cuddling.) Less things to remind him of the falling out of love. (Working late, making plans without each other, pretending to sleep, being so uninterested.)

People always told Virgil that being in love was one of the most amazing feelings, that getting there felt like falling. No one ever told him that you also fell out of love, that falling out was just the end of the hole, when your body met the bottom and you realized something was wrong.

They felt so similar. It was no wonder neither of them had seen this coming.

He prefers to remember the parts where Janus told him he loved him, where Virgil felt like the sun was exploding inside of him in the best way possible.

But he knows it would be a disservice to them both to pretend the fights didn’t happen, to ignore how much they worked through together and how strong they had to be to make it. It wouldn’t be truthful to not remember the bad times, when they fractured and then patched themselves up with gold. It would erase so much that has so centrally made Virgil the person he is.

He hopes Janus can look at those golden cracks and remember that it wasn’t all good or bad. Things rarely are.

 ~~~

In your house of memories

Promise me a place

 ~~~

Virgil is shaking when he picks up the phone and calls a number.

“Hey, gurl. What’s up?” Remy answers on the first ring.

“Janus  and I broke up. Come over?”

“Holy fucking shit, you give me ten minutes. I’ll be there with ice cream.” Remy hangs up and Virgil texts them the address of his new apartment. The one he’ll be living in that has no traces of Janus in it. He can barely remember a time when he lived in a world that didn’t have Janus in it. He doesn’t know how to navigate the waters.

Probably he should start with unpacking. So Virgil picks a box.

[circe-poetica]

COMMUNITY

8

Essential meanings: Community; belonging; being seen and understood by others; like-minded connections; a sense of family and friendship; knowing your place in the world.

The Oracle's Message: This card signals that a new group of like-minded people is entering your life now. Humans are social creatures, and we need to know we are useful to our families and communities. In a community, everyone has an important function and feels “I matter.” Membership in the group provides a sense of belonging, of family, and of purpose that comes from working together for the greater fulfillment of all. Perhaps you are part of a spiritual community, or an artistic one. Perhaps you are in a learning community where you share your love of education. Regardless of its form or focus, you will feel good about your community. You will be inspired by it and want to contribute to it. Your contribution may be as small as showing up or as large as becoming its leader. No matter your position in the tribe, your presence is needed.

Relationship message: You’re in a place of discovering the essential aspects that you share with another—and perhaps also those you don’t share. There are times when you follow and the other person leads, and times when you lead and the other follows. The appearance of this card points to the importance of learning the proper “dance” between you and another. Accepting the truth that everyone has flaws is part of that dance. Yet you are also being asked you to be aware of the dynamics that you don’t want to repeat. You’re in the perfect place to make changes in order to experience the best version of who you are together.

Prosperity message: Whenever you’re in a community of like-minded others, there is a powerful opportunity to reap great abundance. It’s essential to ask, What can I contribute? rather than What can I get from this? Find a need and look to fill it. Something meaningful will manifest. Even if what manifests is small, it is a sign that the doors of opportunity will swing open wider. There is also another meaning of this card to consider: Don’t try to be all things to all people. Choose your role and be true to it, and serve from a sense of authenticity. There is no greater sense of accomplishment than knowing you have purpose.

A CHANGE IN THE WIND

12

Essential meanings: A sense that unseen change has been initiated; preparation for a storm; awareness that your plans are not on firm ground; feeling a shift; uncertainty about which direction the winds will blow.

The Oracle's Message: We all yearn for certainty and resist change. It’s human nature to want the world to remain consistent like a zebra’s stripes. Yet nothing in our experience is black and white, nor will anything remain static. The one thing we are guaranteed is change. Now is a time of transformation as outer conditions are temporarily moving out of sync with your desires and expectations. Stay curious and remember even storms serve to clear the air, scatter seeds, and nourish the soil for better things ahead. Life is about to get interesting. Anticipate it with curiosity as you wonder what is coming in on the shifting winds. The unknown is where the magic lies.

Relationship message: Relationships go through periods where partners seem out of sync with each other and stormy emotions and moods threaten to take down the ship. Perhaps someone has a change of heart and leaves. Changes offer opportunities for mutual growth, a way for you to understand your own heart better and to know what you need to make you truly happy. Rest assured that whatever is happening now, good will come from it. Take temporary shelter and remove yourself from drama. The air will clear, and everything will be fresh and new again. This, too, shall pass.

Prosperity message: As you endeavor to create a prosperous life, you may encounter unexpected shifts that cause you to reverse directions. This is a good thing, so there is nothing to fear. Perhaps an opportunity you sought went to someone else. Perhaps you’ve pursued something that you suddenly realize is not in your highest good. You might not be 100 percent clear on where you need to go, but you are certain that things are not going as planned. Circumstances are not in your control right now. Wait it out. All will be well—even better, actually. Trust.

REGENERATION

REGENERATION

Essential meanings: Rebirth; second chances; new opportunities.

The Oracle's Message: Second chances are available to you now. Whatever opportunities you thought were dead are springing forth with new life, in a more authentic, stronger, and more powerful form. Whatever you may have perceived as a failure or loss is now being replaced by something better than you can imagine growing in its place. This rebirth is assured. Step into your new life. Destiny is being fulfilled in wondrous ways.

Relationship message: The world is based on connections and relationships. No matter what has happened in the past or even now for loss, death and endings are only illusions. There is life after death, love after loss, and in this moment, you are blooming with the regenerating life-force energy that makes you irresistible to love in all forms. Now is the time that you will see evidence of this new emergence. Can you feel it? Love is rising up to greet you.

Prosperity message: What happens when it appears that you’ve failed at something? Do you see the beauty in the lesson? The understanding that comes from difficulties is like a seed that lies dormant for a time. Then, when the time is right, new life begins to spring forth. Success begins to bloom and delight you. It is becoming apparent that there is a new you, a new start. There is a more powerful version and form of what you began to plant in the garden of your imagination. New opportunities are much better than those that came before and appear as if as a gift from the gods. Now is one of those times when out of seeming loss and failure comes remarkable abundance. Do not dwell on the past because you really are experiencing a rebirth.

The JOURNEY

29

THE MEDICINE: The journey is calling you, but the timing is premature. Collecting postcards or fantasies of where you want to go may take over your focus and make you miss your destiny. Other things must be completed first, or you may still be attached to knowing the destination. Remember that the point of the journey is not the destination; it’s who you will become as you are transformed along the way. Do not confuse the inner and the outer journey.

The GHOST DANCE

22

THE ESSENCE: The Ghost Dance of the American Plains Indians united the spirits of the living with those of the ancestors to bring peace to the world. When the ancestors are honored, they bring harmony to us. When we hold them responsible for all that is wrong with us today, they haunt us. Honor the spirits of the ancestors and receive their lessons and gifts. This includes honoring your own past lives!

THE INVITATION: The ancestors have a message of healing and a powerful medicine to offer you. Create a sacred moment at your altar, light a candle to them, and let their wisdom infuse you. At this stage in your life, you are done repeating their tragic stories. Step into the abundance that is offered to you, receive the gifts of those that have come before you, and write a new story for your life.

The CURSE

14

THE ESSENCE: The Curse refers to the limiting stories of our ancestors, and the karma from former lifetimes that preordains the events of our lives. It is the source of negative patterns, and it can show up as a disease, a destructive force, or a blockage on our creative energy. The curse holds us hostage to a false story that we confuse for reality. Recognizing the original wound that is playing out in our life can heal it.

THE INVITATION: It is time to recognize the source of your limitations. Did your grandparents live with a mind-set of scarcity? Did you inherit genes for heart disease? Were you a slave or a master in a past life? This karmic legacy is ready and waiting to be seen, to be untangled, and to be released. Honor the players and their stories. Forgive everyone and everything. Craft a new life course for yourself!