#and most important what the hell drug is andrew on.

[vamppeach]

i am doomed to be enraptured by mediocre media

[softyoongiionly]

NSFW A-Z List (La Grande Maison! Taehyung)

***This contains smut, 18+ only please***

“It’s really no surprise that all of you were asking for me ha. You heard a bit of my story and, read some things you liked didn’t you? I wish I knew what the big deal was honestly. Is it the French? Or is the fact that you know I could probably fuck you so good that you’d be ruined for other men? Maybe it’s a bit of both. Either way, if you like this, let me know. I don’t spill secrets for free.”

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex):

“It depends on who I’m fucking. If it’s a one night thing, I usually go outside for a cigarette. I’m not really into cuddling after sex. I’m too sweaty and too sensitive. If I’ve been playing with a partner, I make sure they’re alright. Subspace is a hell of a drug ha. I’ve made some people go cross eyed so, I have to take care of them while they’re coming down. Forehead kisses usually do the trick.”

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

“I’m not into this question. A person’s body isn’t what I find attractive. I’m only down to fuck you if you intrigue me somehow. I want to know what goes on inside your mind, what makes you tick. Otherwise, I’m bored. Hot people are fucking boring most of the time aren’t they? They’re all the same.”

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person):

“Most guys like when their partners swallow but, not me. I like to watch it drip down their chin, their face… it doesn’t matter. I wanna see it all over the place. I want to see that they like the taste of me.”

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

“I don’t have any dirty secrets haha. I’ve got nothing to hide. I mean, I have a thing for sleeping with married people, men or woman, that shit is hot; to know that I’m too tempting to resist. Most people probably think that’s fucked up but, I can’t help myself.”

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?):

“I am very experienced but, that doesn’t mean people don’t surprise me sometimes. I had a girl that wanted to try flogging recently and, I hadn’t done it in a while so, I had to figure out how to do it right so, we’d both be enjoying ourselves. It made me cum in my pants and, she was begging for me by the end of it so, I guess you could say I figured it out.”

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual):

“My favorite position is when my partner’s wrists and ankles are bound. They can truly let go this way and, let me do what I do best.”

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc):

“I mean, I can laugh quite a bit during play sessions. It’s kind of cute honestly, watching someone beg for you. They know it doesn’t work but, they do it anyway. I can’t help but laugh. They know they don’t get to cum until I say but, they ask me anyways. They should know by now that begging only makes it worse for them.”

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.):

“I don’t shave and, I don’t care if other people shave. Body hair is a boring topic.”

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…):

“I’ve never been in love before so, I can’t really provide much insight into this question. Being someone’s dominant is pretty intimate I guess but, I don’t know. Uh…next question…”

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon):

“I barely jack off and, if I do, it’s for money haha. If I’m horny, I find another consenting adult and, we fuck.”

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks):

“I mean…I think you can guess from my previous answers right? My main kink is definitely control. I like knowing that someone is willing to give themselves to me and, once we discuss their boundaries and, safe word, I fuck their shit up ha. Consent is important though so, for all of my fellow doms out there, make sure your respecting your playmate. Or I’ll fuck you up too.”

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do):

“Before I had the money for a proper play room, my favorite place was in the University library. I used to fuck one of the law professors there pretty regularly. She just got out of her 18 year long marriage and, holy shit she was incredible. She made me cum so hard, I almost forgot my fucking name ha. It’s usually me doing that to other people but, fuck, she really knew what she was doing.”

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going):

“My motivation is to ruin your life for a little bit. If you aren’t screaming for me by the end of it, then I’m doing something wrong. As far as what turns me on, I like intelligence. I won’t fuck anyone that isn’t aware of what their getting into and, I won’t fuck someone who’s emotionally distressed. I may be a bit of a sadist but, I’m not an asshole. But yeah, if you’re smart and, you like art. Hit me up. I’m bored.”

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do):

“I don’t have any limits ha. As long as it isn’t shit or vomit, I’m probably game. As long as we discuss it beforehand. I’ve done some crazy shit.”

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc):

“I like both but, I prefer giving rather than receiving. “

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.):

“I mean, if you’re fucking me, you’re going to get a bit of everything. Slow, fast, rough, gentle, I do it all. It depends on the situation, I can finish us off in 10 mins or, I can fuck you for hours on end. I prefer the latter though, it’s more fun that way.”

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.):

“Quickies are fun. Especially when my partner is really ready for me. Shit, that’s really hot actually. Just pinning someone up against wall and, fucking them still they go cross eyed? Sign me up.”

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.):

“Fucking isn’t fun if it isn’t risky.”

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…):

“I cum whenever I want and, as many times as I want. If I want to cum at the start of the session, I will. If I want to wait until we’ve been at it for 3 hours, I will. It just depends on how I’m feeling. “

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?):

“I have pretty much every toy you can think of. I just had a new St. Andrews cross made for my playroom, it’s black marble, you know to commemorate our favorite little sociopath from the Upside.”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease):

“I will tease you until you’re a dripping, whimpering little mess and, then and only, then will I decide whether or not you deserve relief.”

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make):

“I don’t make a lot of noise unless I’m giving you a command. Sometimes, shit gets a little intense for me too though and, I want my partner to know how good they are making me feel.”

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice):

“I want to fall in love so bad but, it terrifies me. How’s that for a fucking wildcard?”

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words):

“I have a massive dick if that’s what this question is referring to.”

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?):

“High.”

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards):

“I don’t fall asleep after sex. I have to make sure my partner is ok and, then usually I go back out or I have to make sure they make it to their room ok. Guys who fall asleep after sex need to work on their stamina.”

[jvdes]

quotes from “ THE WILDS ” that have big jude energy

“i’m sick of lookin’ at your fucking ponytail. i feel like it thinks it’s better than me.”

“books, man. i just can’t get into them.”

“don’t bother, andrew’s probably dick deep in krista findlay by now”

( tearfully ) “call me up if you are gangster, don’t get fancy just get dancy”

“never have i ever thrown my own piss at someone” *drinks*

“rise and shine, we’re in hell”

“any chance this is some kind of icy hot knock-off?” “yeah, no. that’s lube.”

“fuck! my! life!!!!!”

“yeah, you got me. i sell drugs!”

“swallow. swallow, bitch. (pause) see what you made me do? you made me sound like a rapey frat bro”

“yeah, fuck pants. drink.”

“there’s something super important i wanted to tell you. (screams)”

“i hate men”

“it’s dying!” “i have never related so much to a fucking toothbrush”

“now that you’re home, what do you want to do most?” “honestly, smoke about a hundred cigs. like, really rip through a carton or two.”

“i’m gonna fuck the rowdiest guy with the biggest dick as soon as i fucking can.” (if jude weren’t a lesbian)

[euaxel]

heyyy, eonia. i’m reid, i’m twenty-three, still can’t read, and all i know about pjo is that it fucking rocks and the protag has the same learning disabilities that i do! also, i picked hypnos for this punk mainly to be mean to him and because in the hades game hypnos bullies me every time i die and i’m kiiiinda into it. hmu on discord one on one for the best plotting experience, but i’ll be around plenty to bug y’all in the gc too. you can read about bastard boy number one right here and under the cut we’ll get down to business. 

⟨ ELLIOT FLETCHER. TRANS MALE. HE/HIM. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, AXEL EVERETT is actually a descendent of H Y P N O S. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-TWO year old VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT & COMBAT TACTICS MAJOR from BROOKLYN, USA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite WITTY & SELF-DEPRICATING.

be advised, axel’s a pretty heavy character.  i’m gonna keep it brief for the bio & need-to-knows, tag around the parts with bold applicable triggers so you can skip around as needed, and tag this post accordingly, but just let me know if i miss anything and i’ll fix it & be safe reading. godspeed and i apologize in advance for bringing you all my personal punching bag as my first muse. 

the main triggers that are gonna come up are: parental abuse, alcoholism * major, mentions of bullying, drowning * major, religious trauma, and drug abuse with some harder drugs ( particularly, weed, pills and cocaine / nothing with needles. )

general stats. 

— full name ,  axel harley everett.  — nicknames/alias ,  axe, ax, wolverine jr, tyler durden jr, trouble, Who? - every professor he’s ever had. — house,  hypnos and mad about it.  — age, 22, as of today. also mad about it.  — gender,  trans male.    — pronouns,  he/him.  — sexual orientation, bisexual with a somewhat heavy masc lean.  — d.o.b, january 1st, 1999. ( generally unknown to anyone but maybe siblings, he will probably lie and say Nobody Knows... I Just Am unless he really fucks with you. ) — hometown,

phys. 

— height,  5′0ft even. furious about it. — eyes,  brown. — hair, brown.  — face claim, elliot fletcher.

misc.

— zodiac,  capricorn. — alignment,  chaotic good. — character inspo,  lip gallagher, steve rogers ( young ), ellie from tlou1, logan howlett, stiles stilinski ( if anyone says shit i will scream ), probably someone from euphoria but i’m too scared to watch that, peter parker ( andrew garfield ), shinsou hitoshi, finn mertens, marceline the vampire queen, dipper pines, this is all over the place but it’s there.  — most played spotify songs, passion for publication by anarbor, sober haha jk unless by hospital bracelet, nobody by mitski, class of 2013 by mitski, king princess’ cover of monster from adventure time, way too much phoebe bridgers, in love or whatever by future teens, and the entire front bottoms discography but especially in sickness & in flames with the hard way & bus beat well at the top of his loop.  — aesthetics,   bloody knuckles, left open and tipped over prescription bottles, walking on the carpet with socks to get that tingly feeling, skateboarding inside, dozing off at the bar, tangled legs in messy sheets, ten pillows on a twin sized mattress, laying down in the shower, brian sella’s cracky singing voice. 

bio. 

— axel was born and raised in brooklyn, new york, and he was claimed at thirteen, on his thirteenth birthday, by hypnos. — the day he was claimed, axel ceased contact with his human mother and his step-dad, and he attended a camp for half-bloods that wasn’t far from home. he spent his adolescence there year round for safety from monsters at home and abroad, then moved on to eonia.  — ( parental abuse tw, drowning tw begin ) i don’t want to be too graphic here so i’m going to plainly say that axel’s mother was a very, very bad person, and the man she married was absent at his best, physically abusive at worst. axel’s powers (  hypnokinesis, namely )  were potent and difficult to control at a young age, and as a deeply religious catholic woman, this scared his mother and influenced most of the animosity in their relationship. she was convinced that the defensive visions he created and his ability to put her to sleep ( an attempt to help her, on his end; insomnia plagued her and later, it would him, too ) were of demonic origin, and tried to drown him more than once; cleansing, she claimed. the worst instance was the day he was claimed, actually — new years day, 2012; his life was saved by hypnos, and that was the last he saw of her.   ( parental abuse tw, drowning tw end. )  —  that said, he’s a little ( very ) hydrophobic. poseidon kids do NOT fucking interact ( i’m kidding. kind of. he Will avoid a little though ) —  anyway! moving on. all of this aside, axel did his best to put his past behind him, and he was actually super stoked to learn that his powers came from somewhere good and that there was places out there for kids like him; to learn he wasn’t any kind of monster. ( still working on believing that, though.. marcelines monster.mp3 right here )  — he’s less stoked when he starts having trouble falling asleep, and really, it feels like a more cruel twist than any other fate has thrown at him ( his upbringing was chock full of mean twists, so that’s saying something ); and really, it’s more like insomnia just full on kicks in, but he can put other people to sleep. great, right? whatever, though — combat classes are kickass and he’s surrounded by babes that think he’s hilarious so things could be totally, way worse.  — ( bullying tw (brief) ) for the most part, axel was pretty well liked among his peers. he was bullied as a young kid (pre-claim), but he bit back and he bit back hard, and sure, some of that followed him into his teen years but he’s more confident by then; less fun to poke at, and absolutely unhinged when provoked, so people learn better of it. the only real lasting effect was one instant that hit him a little too deep in the inferiority, when he was seventeen — he fell in love with a girl, told her that, and found himself at the end of a very mean spirited prank. he shook it off like he did anything else, or at least — he told himself he did, even if the hurt hit him somewhere a little too deep rooted ( ie. being god’s most unlovable son would naturally land him here, right? ) love’s kinda stupid anyways, so what the hell, right?  (bullying tw end.)

— ( alcoholism tw, drug use tw begin ) this is already obscenely long so i’m just going to keep it to the point here and say he began drinking when he was sneaking booze in to camp at fifteen, and it just never stopped there. he’s also a massive stoner, which is all well, harmless and good for the most part; he’s always grinning, half-lidded, and has a room full of smoke at any given time. it’s the pills that do him in, and he did them at first just so he could get some shut eye, and... well. after that, because he’s dependent on them. but he keeps this part under wraps for the most part; it doesn’t have to be anyone’s problem but his, and it’s not a problem until it is one. partying’s fun, so is coke; so is taking a few too many xan’s, mdma.   ( alcoholism tw, drug use tw end )

FUN FACTS!!! 

— i swear he is not as doom and gloom as he sounds from the bio, and yeah, writing that made me so sad i feel like we absolutely must hone in on the fun and cute things about him!?!  — he loves dnd. he can talk about it for HOURS and if you let him, he absolutely will. — adventure time makes him cry. he’s a baby don’t let him fool you.  — very into cryptids, aliens, horror stories, conspiracy theories, in love with ryan from watcher, wanna be shane medej.  — he loves to draw! the one thing he loves about his power is what it’s done for his imagination, and sure, he mostly draws horror things, but it’s why he went into video game development. he wants to be a concept artist.  — his double major is in combat tactics because he loves fighting. he thinks it’s so fun. he’s a little nuts, actually — i mean, get hit in the face and come up grinning. all he’s ever wanted is to run a fight club and be the shortest, baddest little bitch on the planet.  — he tends to nod off in weird places because he doesn’t sleep enough at night, which is sad, but; he can seriously fall asleep anywhere. standing up, in a tree, you name it.  — he’s a hobby musician! he loves singing and playing guitar.  — he’s a huge flirt.  — loves to scare people. he’s harmless, though. like, honestly. he might make you think you’re seeing a walking toadstool but he’ll probably apologize later.  — he’s very much a singing in the shower type?  — clothes thief. friends and significant others beware.  — actually, just kind of a thief? but of weird, little things. like, just the left shoe. puts them in a little corner in his room that he has set up like an exhibit. “things you thought you lost lol” is written on the whiteboard on the wall above it. he likes collecting rocks too. he’s a little freak!!  — he’s better at the memory retrieval part of his power than the rest. naturally, as this mostly applies for other people. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS. im literally so tired of hearing myself talk... 

friends/squad. self explanatory!!!  he’s friendly, a class clown, and a loyal friend through and through; he’s also adaptable, and his demeanor is very relaxed and inviting. he’s probably gonna have 2-3 people that he’s really close with, and he’d do quite literally anything for them. seriously, don’t tempt him.  a best friend.  so this is kind of vague but. i’d really love for him to have one person that is just a tier above the rest? they’d know things about him that are like pulling teeth to find out ( aka, anything deeper than his most recommended podcasts and loudmouth opinions on non important things ), someone who will call him on his shit, and maybe take care of his stupid little self when he gets too fucked up, because they’d be someone he trusts enough to let them.   enemies?    he probably gets along with most people until given a reason not to? but he is a loud mouth and if one of his friends gets into drama, he will stick his nose where it doesn’t belong and he will throw hands, so it could happen.

harmless rivalries. maybe even steamy ones. he’s a little shit and he likes banter so, so, so much? if given the opportunity and if someone rubs him a certain type of way, he’s so not above being a menace, although never super maliciously. just, you know, annoying the shit out of them on purpose, for fun. he’s also not above blowing a few kisses their way.

current hookups. self explanatory too. he’s a little harlot. HFBHVFNJ. it’s gonna be kinda hard to go beyond sex with him because he’s very deep in his own insecurity but he does catch feelings, he’s just mad about it when he does. i’m mostly gonna go off chem for that though! an ex. could be on friendly terms? but, it should be noted that he could’ve ghosted someone too; or pulled from the relationship when things got serious and he couldn’t choke out that ‘i love you’, even if he felt it. worse, if he did choke it out, but they didn’t feel the same way.  siblings. hypnos kids he is gonna be so protective of all of u... family is hard for axel, i’m ngl, but he really wants one is the tragedy of it all, i guess? so he just really wants to be a good brother. he thinks hypnos is kind of a dick for making him but he tries not to fault him for his existence. fuck u dad i dont wanna be alive feels a little unfair. HDBHFDSJ. anyways he’s a good brother even if he is absolutely so reckless and terrifying in regards to himself but his siblings. his siblings he will do anything for. ALSO!!! FOUND FAMILY!!!! it would be kinda nice if he bonded with someone a little older maybe, could be outside of the hypnos house even, someone he’s kind of a bratty-little-brother type with.... or bratty older brother that takes your things and makes you laugh, y’know. 

PERSONALITY.  just tacking this part of the app on at the end too to highlight parts that i think are important for understanding who he is, and just so it’s all in one place!

toothy grins, half-lidded eyes, and keepin’ them laughing is what it’s all about, baby. axel walks with more confidence in his posture than he’s earned ( or claimed, for that matter ), and it’s the backbone of what gets him by. he’s a glowing example of the fake it ‘til you make it mentality, and he knows what he wants, usually how to get it, and doesn’t mind letting you know that. there’s an ever present mischievous glint in his eyes that says more about what to expect from him than he does, and that’s still not much? he likes to have fun, and there isn’t a whole lot of regard for righteousness or responsibility on his end, but hey! it’s usually only ever at his own expense, so what’s the damage? he’s an absolute clown and he knows it.

axel loves people. he does — you might not guess that with how elusive he is, but it’s true. there’s nothing he likes more than a good conversation with someone interesting, or maybe not even then; if there’s a sparkle in you, he’ll see it. ( might even draw it, not that you’d ever know. ) he’s warm, loyal, compassionate, relaxed, and understanding; and none of that is at the cost of being passive, or lacking passion. 

as long as the vibes are right, he’s happy to just be; though, he’s known to have a fuse for certain provocations, and will jump readily at chance to fight in someone else’s honor. also, it’s not unlike him to spar for the sake of sparring; but that’s all in good fun, no worries.

there’s no way to sugarcoat it — axel has an inferiority complex. where that stems from is something he’s more self-aware of than he’s willing to admit, but he doesn’t have the patience or the will to dissect it; much less do anything about it, and he’s as bull-headed as they come — especially regarding anything related to the psyche. how much this impacts his demeanor and relationships with others varies on the situation, but one constant is that he’s going to retreat before things get bad; even if ‘things are getting bad’ exists only as his own paranoia-born hypothetical.

things can’t go bad if you don’t let them, and he’s content to keep it that way; even if it means being stuck in the stasis of missed opportunities. it’s when he’s retreating into himself that he can get irritable, anxious, jumpy; secretive, defensive, even. he’s personable until he isn’t, essentially.

[xxisxxisxxis]

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another. 

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases. 

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles. 

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs. 

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready." 

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry." 

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex. 

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states. 

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face. 

"Oh my God." He chuckles. 

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods. 

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera. 

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh. 

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now." 

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state. 

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs. 

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop. 

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity. 

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have." 

"No, we haven't." 

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too." 

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment. 

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides. 

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs. 

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other. 

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle. 

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'" 

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear. 

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds. 

"In his writing." I confirm. 

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy." 

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little. 

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt. 

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips. 

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe." 

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us. 

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling." 

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment. 

"And house payments." 

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something. 

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?" 

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'." 

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds. 

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that." 

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct. 

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened." 

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all." 

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods. 

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains. 

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her." 

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?" 

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away. 

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced." 

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head. 

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral." 

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together. 

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up." 

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing. 

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?" 

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic,  or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did." 

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?" 

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me. 

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain. 

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone." 

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds. 

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him. 

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently. 

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time." 

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere." 

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did." 

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears. 

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.  

"I love you, too." 

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[smolbeandrabbles]

One Thing Right - Andrew ‘Pope’ Cody x Reader (Animal Kingdom)

Author’s Note: So, whilst this is a stand alone - it can also be a little re-imagining of ‘Last Habit’ (Specifically how long it takes her to forgive him) - and was actually part of Last Habit, before that story took me another direction and left me with this-!

Heavily based on the restaurant scene from both the movie and episode 1 of the show (If you’re here for the Show!)

One Thing Right - Marshmello & Kane Brown

Disclaimer: Animal Kingdom characters/plot not mine / lyrics & gifs not mine / leap from “Last Habit” idea based on discussion with Ms. @mandy23b​  

Premise: Still frustrated with Andrew from a continuing argument, you’re determined to hold it together for a dinner event. In reality though, can you help doing anything other than forgiving him? Even if he doesn’t apologise?

Words: 6469

Warnings: Swearing / References to drug taking

_______

I've cheated and I’ve lied I've broke down and I've cried I’ve got nothing to hide no more I've loved and I've hurt Broken people down with words More grace than I deserve, for sure Known to be crazy, known to be wild Mama had herself a little devilish child Ain't no stranger to the troubles at my door You saw right through my pain Kept us patient while I changed Never even crossed your mind to walk away  When I was gettin' crazy, reckless, and wild Actin' like my mama's little devilish child It took a heart like yours to find its place I’ve been at the wrong place at the wrong time Chasin' all the wrong things most of my life Been every kinda lost that you can't find But I got one thing right Been the kinda guy girls' mamas don't like Runnin' with the wrong crowd on the wrong nights 'Cause I've been wrong about a million times But I got one thing right... you Yeah, I got you ---

It all started with a nervous, little, nonchalant proposal. The same way that Andrew always asked you to do anything with him. Like a ‘no’ was no big deal… As if you would ever say no in the first place, but the alternative never really seemed to cross his mind. “So, uh, the guys are doing some… wives and girlfriends thing next week… I dunno…” He tapped the sideboard and wouldn’t meet your eyes, “If you wanna come, then…” You raised an eyebrow; “Who are the ‘wives and girlfriends’? Surely that’s just me and Cath…? Cuz Kelly is no longer around…?” “Nicky…” “Who!?” Was Craig onto someone else already? Perhaps Darren, he was a sweetheart. Who else? “Jay’s girlfriend.” Ahhhhhh!!!! Jay. Yes, you misremembered for a moment that Andrew’s nephew was living with them now. In fact you hadn’t been over since then, so you hadn’t met him either. “Oh! Yeah, of course… Well, do you want me there?” He still wasn’t quite meeting your eyes but he nodded, “Yeah, I think so.” You smiled sweetly with a nod of your own; “Then, honey, of course I’ll come!” ***

Andrew drummed his fingers on the back of the empty chair next to him; and Baz knew it wouldn't end there. "She'll be here, mate. She wouldn't miss this." Andrew only stared at him across the table with a look that clearly asked him to shut up. This kind of thing was awkward enough for him, without worrying about where you were. He had been having second thoughts about going - only you wanted to be there, so he would put up with mundane social interactions for you. Also, if you were there and his social battery ran out - which it so often did - you usually came up with brilliant excuses to leave, or let him just find protection and comfort in your presence. Andrew, you've done enough... It's okay... You were always fine alone; more than confident with answering all the questions for him when it was clear he was no longer going to actively participate.

 Only you hadn't shown up yet, and he had to shuffle awkwardly in his seat, almost wanting to blurt out that you were an actual real person, you were just late. But why? You hadn't given him a reason. Andrew was getting more anxious by the minute, and his best friend had to watch this unfold growing exceedingly uneasy himself. What would Andrew do if that battery ran out and you weren't here yet? What would he do if you were a no show…?

 **

DAMN. Today, of all days, was clearly not meant to be yours. Not only had you been called into work to fix something on a weekend, but now traffic back into the city was beyond a joke and your cell phone provider decided that this particular route had next to no signal on it.

 So, by the time you got to the restaurant you were flustered and frustrated, and thought you couldn't possibly have made a worse first impression. It wasn’t just the first impression either, it was what you knew would be going on in Andrew’s head that worried you more. You’d been fighting- Well, okay fighting was pushing it because you and Andrew didn’t really fight, mostly because you couldn’t help but be a little worried about exactly what may happen if you really did get to fighting with him. But his brothers had a nasty habit of doing drugs – and Andrew wasn’t ever want to miss a little bit of participation, despite the fact that you’d told him time and again that you weren’t happy when he did so. When he’d invited you to this event last week you had been excited about it. You hadn’t exactly ever hung around his family in a group like that before, and the more you thought the happier you got. Andrew never invited you to things like this because they weren’t even his scene (you supposed you might have to thank Baz for that later), so to be included at all very suddenly added a new dimension to your relationship. So, now you were super excited to meet Jay and Nicky – and finally have another Cody Girl™ to hang out with. That was until yesterday morning when you’d caught him in your apartment with drugs and subsequently thrown him out, telling him you didn’t know if you were coming today. And if you were honest with yourself you were still mad at him. But you also knew Andrew, he’d probably quietly indicated you were coming ‘no big deal’ and he certainly wouldn’t have told anyone that you’d thrown him out, suggesting you weren’t going to make it – mostly because that would have been too big of a confession. You could imagine the questions, the ammunition it would give his brothers. Selfishly you supposed your reputation was on the line here, and you didn’t want to let him down. Even if he’d let you down, Andrew just meant too much to you. Honestly, you just really really wanted to meet the kids. Besides you could sit here in traffic and reason with yourself – it was dinner, which meant a maximum of 3 hours interaction - if you were still pissed about the drugs (you would be.) then you didn’t have to go anywhere with him afterwards. Seeing everyone else was a little more important than not going just to spite him. You took a deep breath, checking your phone again – still nothing. Well, if you were late then you were shaving yet more time off having to interact, if you were prepared to see it that way.

Baz, facing the door, spotted you first and was off like a rocket. Thank GOD for that! You were holding your mobile in one hand, bag slung over your shoulder, oversized white shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way to reveal a black vest top, tucked into a work mini-skirt. But you’d slipped from your heels into your pumps to drive, and your shades were in your hair. All in all, your face said you’d had better days, but really Baz was just glad you were here. He enveloped you in a warm hug, which you were only too happy to return. "Oh, Baz! I'm so, so, SO sorry!" "What the hell happened!?" "Work-! IT. When isn't it IT?" You huffed and folded your arms, "I feel like us casing the place that one time ought to have told ya it was time to leave." You scoffed, laughing, "It's a good place to work, I just can't believe today of all days it was such a MESS - and traffic!? I haven't see it that bad when it's rush hour! I mean what the hell!!" “Aw, honey, I’m just glad you’re here – we were worried.” – about Andrew, who was worried about you. You bit your lip, looking everywhere but Baz’s face and the table, “How is he?” “He’s… Andrew. Why?” “He didn’t tell you did he?” “No.” Baz would never go for the ‘tell me what?’ if it was something so obvious as the way you looked back to him. You took a deep breath, throwing your phone into your bag, “Okay.” And then more to yourself than to Baz, “It’s gonna be fine.” “Woah, you… you wanna talk about it-!?” He stepped backward with your step forward and held his hand out, concerned. You shook your head, “Not right now, thanks Baz.” And you really did appreciate his concern, “I just wanna meet everyone!”

 Andrew looked just as relieved as Baz did, swivelled in his seat now to watch you both walk through the restaurant, by this time Baz was already trying to lighten your mood and he’d made you laugh more than once; you were smiling – he was good at that. Andrew vacated his seat to take the last few paces to hug you himself; that movement was important – he knew exactly what he’d done, and you weren’t sure if you were supposed to accept his PDA as an apology. But something about him holding you in his arms softened you for a moment; "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry!" You mumbled into his shirt, "I really... I really AM sorry! It's been the morning from hell..." He shook his head, almost not caring; loving the feel of you holding him this close, your nails digging into his shirt. You gave him just the energy shot he needed. "It's okay..." He mumbled, though you felt that was probably far from the truth, "I'm just glad you made it safe..."

He let you slip from his arms, PDA wasn't his thing, so you knew this was because he needed it desperately only. Or you were right and it really was in apology. You kissed his cheek gently, feeling that would be the most comfortable, and rounded the table quickly to hug Darren. He was the baby, and looked and acted like it. He was like the good natured one who had yet to be fully dragged into this mess. You might have been a complete outsider, but Andrew told you as much as you were prepared to hear... Or that he knew you had to know. Usually that came with his more protective nature. That put you in solidarity with the youngest Cody sibling, and you felt you probably liked him the most – Darren liked you too; though you knew he was a little wary of your relationship. "What they got ya in for on a Saturday!?" He was referring to your attire, and you noticed Craig linger a little too long on the fact your white blouse had buttons undone to just the wrong side of inappropriate. "Oh. You know the company has to be running smoothly Monday morning and that’s that..." You sighed, “I’m so sorry.” He laughed, “Aw, you don’t need to apologise to me.” “No, only the whole damn table…” But Darren patted your back gently, “Well! Get on with it, we’re starving-!” You skirted the table while saying ‘Hi’ to Craig, Smurf and having an animated five minute conversation with Cath that had Baz rolling his eyes and sighing; "GIRLS! She's late enough!" Cath pushed him with a laugh, as you bashfully kept running around the table to where Andrew was still standing up, leaning on the back of his chair. At least there was something resembling a smile on his face as he watched you interact with his family. "Sorry, honey..." You almost smacked yourself, but realised there wasn’t really any stopping you, your heart was starting to overrule your head. You’d have to try to keep yourself in check – then again… He squinted slightly at the cute nickname, but pulled your chair out for you, to which you thanked him again as he pushed you in and reseated himself. "Can we EAT now!?!" Craig huffed, clearly on the less kind side of annoyed; "I was ready to order, like, 50 minutes ago!" You flushed and covered your face with your hands, "OH GOD!! I'M SO SORRY!" "He's just being a prick... Y/N... You're fine..." Baz's voice at least held a laugh, but you weren't sure it helped your feeling. Like he hadn’t already commented on it-! Andrew placed his arm around the back of your chair and shook his head at his sibling. Say something like that again and just wait until we get home. You liked that movement, it made you feel safe and comfortable. It was an assurance you sometimes needed in situations like this. Yet you knew you should still be mad at him; you were about to spend this meal incredibly torn…

"So!" You referred to the two teenagers sitting at the far end of the table. "You must be Jay and Nicky? I confess, what I know is little, although I have heard a bit. It's nice to meet you! I'm Y/N!" "Guess they might know a little about you, too..." Baz gave you an amused look that told you they'd be lucky if they'd even heard your name before you said it. Andrew shuffled in his seat in response to this, he needn’t have reacted at all - you had that kind of hunch yourself. The teens bashfully introduced themselves in answer to you as everyone ordered – in the back of your mind you were already thinking they were way too sweet to be involved here, and that adoption should be the way to go. You supposed that attitude shouldn’t surprise you, given the state of your family – your parents would have signed on the dotted line about 5 minutes ago. Still, you supposed you, in the remnants of a business suit, looked like the odd one out around the table – but that’s exactly what you were, and you were strangely comfortable with that. They were very sweet and shy, meaning you tried to make every question you asked kind and open – they didn’t have to answer if they didn’t want to. All you really wanted them to know was that you were decent; they were safe and you’d protect them at all costs. Besides, you reckoned Jay should know by now you were dating the most volatile man at the table. You’d like to say you knew that Andrew wouldn’t lay a hand on them – yet you also knew that he was capable of anything. You’d also like to say you were capable of stopping him, truth was, you were scared of what might happen if you got between Andrew Cody and something he deemed necessary to do. As you kept talking throughout dinner, and you tried to keep questions off yourself, you were aware of how close you were getting to Andrew. That was all subconscious because he’d barely moved an inch, but it was an act you loved doing. There was something very powerful about Andrew’s aura and you liked orbiting it; right now he was calmer – sure, his eyes still shifted around the room and to everyone in the table, yet everything about him was saying he was protecting you. Because even you were just waiting for Craig to come at you; he wasn’t exactly a fan of the fact that you didn’t come from the same place as them, that you came from a different class and social background. No prizes for guessing where he might have got that from. You got the feeling Smurf thought that you felt you were too good for them – not necessarily…. You’d seen the way she treated Andrew; the lost cause. The idea of wanting to get him out of this was something you thought about often. Though you also thought it was pointless when he was in your house doing drugs – but you would digress. In fact, you loved most people around the table. Really you felt a lot of them were better than the positions they found themselves in – if she really wanted your honest opinion. But you could only date one of them. And he was work, you’d give him that.

"What do you do, Y/N?" Eventually questioning did get back around to you, and you were trying to figure out how to answer before you were cut off. "Here we go..." Craig scoffed "What, jealous!? You can go it for me if you want!" Your eyes narrowed, arms folded He at least laughed; "No, No, I think I'm good - thanks!" You shook your head at him and turned back to Nicky's question, "I do IT." "Do IT?!" Baz repeated in a mocking voice "What? I do." He leant forward, "Nicky, she's just being polite and modest." "HA-!" Andrew shifted impatiently, which made Craig shut up again before he even started. Baz was allowed to finish his sentence; "She's a CIO." You leant on your hand with a small smile, "And CISO. If we're getting technical." "And that-!" Baz pointed to you, "Whatever the hell that is-!" Chief Information Security Officer, if he really wanted the answer. "That's why I said IT!" you laughed, “I head IT for a very small company, Nicky, it’s nothing.” “Enough to drive a Lamborghini.” This was exactly where things got complicated; where the divide showed, even though it didn’t matter to you. You were always uncomfortably aware of what it looked like to everyone else. “Will you guys stop!” You pushed Baz’s arm, but he was smirking and that only sent them all off laughing again. Causing you to hide in your hands for a second, shying towards Andrew – who despite still daring Craig to say another word with a frosty glare, had a hint of pride about him and the way he sat. Somewhere in the back of your mind you could almost hear the ‘That’s My Girl!’ that every other man around this table would likely say; his eyes flicked to yours, lips pressing themselves into a line that very nearly threatened smile. You were glad Andrew never got that far; not that it would have mattered anyway – because of course, you smiled back. Before you remembered why you were mad and your smiled faded for a moment. You lowered your eyes from Andrew’s face tracing them down his neck to his black buttoned polo shirt, then looked away from him entirely – realising you were just making yourself sad thinking about it. Still, he didn’t let you go; the slope of his body and the tip of his head as he watched the way your eyes traced him, he leant into you to keep you close – but he didn’t reach out. You didn’t expect that from him either. Andrew knew you were still mad at him; he could think about removing his arm from the back of your chair opting simply to pull you closer, but he wasn’t made that way. Andrew wouldn’t – at least not publicly and certainly not here.  Right now, he wasn’t even sure you wanted that – or if you’d simply push him away. Nevertheless, he noticed how torn you were and hated that it was him that had caused it. What a mess for a quick fix. Wasted and pointless. He ran his hand over his cheeks – suddenly imagining the feeling of your nails embedded in them as you lowered your voice to a sexy level of threatening. Andrew shifted in his seat again, this time away from you, and kept his hand there for a moment – you couldn’t help but notice the way his breathing change abnormally. You also realised all that had triggered in you was a smirk, absentminded enough for you to be shocked at yourself – yet you knew exactly why, and hell if you wouldn’t call it useful information…

Dinner continued until you were stuffed and couldn’t eat anymore, pushing your knife and fork neatly together you sat back, nestling gently into his arm that was back around your chair. Finally comfortable enough to seek the warmth of his body. By now he was staring at you, and he had been for quite a while, because that’s what Andrew did. You’d long since given up trying to guess, or even ask him, why he would choose to stare at you in the particular way he did. It was never any less intense than the way he would look at everyone else… yet it was so different – and this stare was strangely hopeful. You supposed he was considering whether or not you’d forgive him – then again, so were you. Turning your eyes on him you couldn’t help but gaze back; lost in another beautifully silent conversation. I’m here for you. But don’t you dare think I forgive you for what you’ve done just yet.   You knew he needed you here, and he must have known you knew that right now. You brushed your forehead gently to his, resting your hand reassuringly on his knee. It might take you a while to excuse him, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t love him. Everyone still pushed for dessert; at which point you swapped seats with Craig, bowing out – not without brushing your lips to Andrew’s cheek first, which very nearly startled him - to learn a little more about Jay and Nicky. Cath joined you a little later and with Jay joining in with his uncles, Smurf joined you in a girl’s conversation. It was nice to learn some more about her, and talk just a little about yourself without the whole table either wanting you to flaunt it, or scoffing at you for being a show off. You liked that you had the opportunity to chat with her in the quiet, which became quieter as Smurf and then Cath left you to it whilst they went back to the boys – clamouring for attention once more. Andrew was back to watching you, into his usual habit of making sure you were safe at all times and you were quite enjoying catching his eye every now and then. It’d make you smile and look away; a simpler form of flirting, but one you felt you probably both enjoyed. When he and Baz got up to pay the bill, Andrew walked behind you, brushing his hand over your shoulders. Fingertips pressing into your skin in a way that had you fixating on his touch and looking up at him as he walked away. You’d quite forgotten what you were saying and instead Nicky was left witness to that way you stared at each other, before he turned and they strolled to the counter – although you didn’t look away. Blinking a few times you cleared your throat; “Hey guys-!” They swivelled back, “Yeah?” You pulled your card from your purse and held it out, “I was late, it’s the least I can do.” Andrew waved away the suggestion, “No, Y/N, it’s okay…” “We got this – you can owe us later.” Baz added with a wink, and you figured he might spend the next five minutes trying to persuade Andrew onto a double date; which he would love of course.

Instead you watched them talk seriously at the counter for a minute as they split the bill; with the glances they both kept throwing to you, and the way Baz very nearly clipped him (about the only person who’d get away with it), you assumed that it was really an integration about the previous morning, causing you to look away quickly for fear of being dragged into it. Nicky giggled gently, and you realised she had continued watching you, “You really love him, don’t you?” You continued focusing on the table, although even her words had you smiling, and you very nearly laughed. “Yeah.” “How long have you been together?” That made your eyes raise to her - suddenly you realised you didn’t even know the answer. It wasn’t like Andrew was ever going to keep track of your anniversary – and to be honest being held up in a parking lot was not exactly something you wanted to remember the date of. “…Oh, uh…” You also couldn’t believe someone would want to ask you outside of your family; a lot of your friends thought Andrew was strange at best and would probably rather forget you were with him. You were grateful your parents foster kids more than made up for that. “…Just over a year?” you squinted, no, it felt longer than that - “Maybe closer to two?” then you smiled, genuinely, “Thank you for asking.” “I thought that was normal?” She tilted her head, making you laugh, “I don’t know if you’ve met him before today, but,” You looked around her to watch them still in heated discussion, “Andrew’s not exactly…” you paused, “He’s a little different. I think that’s probably why I like him so much. Then again, it’s not exactly something that gels with a lot of people,” you bit your lips together, “it’s a real shame - you know, if he was given the chance…” you trailed, “Sorry! That’s a lot for… the first time I’ve ever met you.” You place your head in your hands again, “Late and rambling, man, I must have made one hell of a first impression!” But she was smiling, and reached out to touch your hand, “I think it’s sweet – that you care about him like that, and I see the way you look at each other, he cares a lot about you too I can tell. He doesn’t take his eyes off you.” You weren’t sure if you should set her straight or agree with her; “That’s also a very Andrew trait, something to get used to for sure. I guess it’s okay if it doesn’t bother you…” “Does it?” God bless her innocent curiosity. “No. Except, nothing about Andrew bothers me.” “Should it?” Your eyes flicked back to him and then to her, and you said it as honestly as you could without really telling the truth; “He’s just… a lot to unpack.” ***

He stopped by your chair as they walked back, and everyone else started to rise, so you supposed dinner was over. As he’d helped you in, Andrew also helped you out. “You okay?” “Yes…” You gave him a gentle nod, “Thank you…” and you realised all at once that you really hadn’t had a verbal conversation yet. You wondered how you could just get back in your car and drive away after that. Andrew had to know you were still reeling a little – but it didn’t sit right with you, to just say goodbye and leave him to his own devices once again. Especially considering that could just drive him back in the direction you were trying to pull him from (or drag him – kicking and screaming if necessary). As you made your way from the restaurant - close but not touching; he wasn’t even trying to take your hand to keep up appearances (and sometimes Andrew did) – it was clear he was thinking along the same lines. Baz was the first one to turn to you, “How about it, Y/N? Drinks? I mean you can just park the car up and take off tomorrow if you’re worried about getting a DUI.” “Oh, no I really… I’ve had a day, you do not want me to take up any offer of drinking.” You waved your hands hoping he might drop it. “Aw come on – what!? You know how bad we get-!” No such luck. You indicated to the teens, “I would rather keep up appearances!” “It's cool, guys, I'll take her home." Andrew cut in before anyone else could protest your objection. You turned to him, wondering if a conversation in the place he’d done the crime was even a good idea. Maybe it was the only good idea. Of course, no one argued with that; "Okay, Andrew, see you later!" Although he waited for you to hug Nicky goodbye. You were good at bonding with people, and there weren't a lot of females in Andrew's life beyond his mother and Cath. So he knew you'd be particularly receptive to this teenage girl who had no idea quite what she was getting into. And that you'd likely want to protect her from that. Afterall, he’d watched you talk to her for at least the last hour, with that same sweet, caring smile on your face that you often gave him. Not that he thought he deserved it ever, perhaps even less than usual right now. And here you were again, being as naturally kind as you always were. "...It'd be cool to hang out too! I mean I dunno, maybe you're a little too cool for me!" You gave a gentle laugh that made her smile; "No, I'd like that!" "Awesome, well, you have my number now. Do not hesitate to call me. Especially if you happen to have to hang out with these boys again... In fact, Cath, you and I should have a girl’s night - Good Lord." "Don't tempt me!" Cath yelled from behind you, which made the three of you burst out laughing and all the boys look on a little confused. You hugged her tight and protective; she was so cute and utterly sweet. As the only other real outsider (and completely in the dark) you wanted to keep her on that side of things for as long as possible. It was your choice not to know anything, you didn't want her to have to know there even was a choice.

You waved them all off and walked with Andrew back towards the car park; he fell into the rhythm of your walk, studying every single other person on both sides of the road. He didn't hold your hand, but your skin was millimetres apart, his shoulder brushed against yours every few steps - as if to make sure you were still there; as if you'd be anywhere else. You were used to this by now, and if you were honest you loved it. There was something unvoiced about it all, how you were both aware the other was there and close, but there was no needed physical contact. Andrew was the most comfortable you'd ever been with a man in your entire life. And you weren't sure if that was ironic or not. "Are you driving?" "I don't have my car." You held out your keys, "Are you driving?" He took them gently, suddenly falling out of step with you, and then behind as he stopped. You paused a little further down the sidewalk and turned with a raised eyebrow; "What-?" He held the keys up, "You drove your Lamborghini to work!? AGAIN!?" This only went back to every other time he’d told you to be careful driving it around, should some opportunists try to car jack you… again. You folded your arms, somewhat impatient with his lack of answer; "Oh, I didn't realise I had to stop on the weekend too - now are you driving or what-!?" You knew he could stop the excited smile from crossing his face, but it escaped into his voice; "Yes!"

 ** Even though you still hadn’t spoken to him properly, it was all in his body language. For him it was the same, all in your actions. You didn’t have to let him do this – in fact you could just have turned to him and said that he wasn’t coming with you. Yet here he was, driving your gleaming silver Gallardo through Melbourne to your apartment. You noticed Andrew was making the most out of the opportunity by taking you the scenic route. All you could do was watch him. How comfortable he was – just you and him and driving. How careful and in control – a real force to be reckoned with, not that Andrew ever wasn’t that, but the whole aura of it was different. This time he couldn’t keep that small smile off his face – tiny sure, and if you weren’t looking you were bound to miss it, but it was there. You liked that he was comfortable, because you often watched him be so uncomfortable with everything. The social situations he was forced into especially; for that matter, Andrew didn’t often talk in social settings. He could still be the one in the room in control and be uncomfortable, his body language would tell you such. Here and now though, his energy was confident – and though he was alert to the conditions he was surrounded by on the road, Andrew was the most relaxed you’d seen him in a long time. You let yourself actively enjoy it. Because you wanted to revel in him when he was like this. It was a glimpse, a rare thing that you weren’t about to let slip away from you. You knew how much he loved this car, even when he was sitting passenger side, and when he actively showed it that was even better. Andrew was letting himself enjoy the moment as much as you were; just by watching him you’d been persuaded to smile, to coax your hand from your lap to entwine with his fingers. He didn’t look across to you – but his lips twitched and for half a second that smile was visible, before it dropped away again. Still, Andrew Cody didn’t let your hand go. ** You were back to being cold and silent by the time you were in the lift to your apartment; perhaps not by choice, but because you just couldn’t figure out exactly what to say. You weren’t sure how to approach it, and certainly hadn’t had time to think of such things. After all, you did kick him out of your apartment yesterday after screaming then using Andrew’s own ‘quiet & threatening’ tactic against him. You just knew that you couldn’t keep up the silence; part of you worried that if you did  Andrew would switch from understanding why (as you were sure he did) to thinking screw this and heading back home – where all that really awaited him was his brothers, alcohol and more drugs. Certainly not what you wanted. He was looking at you again though, and Andrew thought that maybe the air of friendliness you’d been displaying this evening had been for his family only. Just for dinner. He supposed it made sense, but Baz had told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to apologise to you, quickly. Andrew was just trying to figure out how best to do that – of course he’d been thinking about it, but you’d been regarding them both and he didn’t want it to come out like the only reason that he was saying sorry was because Baz had asked him to. No, he wanted it to sound as sincere and genuine as he felt. Usually silence was good for Andrew, he found a comfort there that he could seldom find anywhere else. Even around you. This wasn’t comfortable – not when there was so much unspoken between the two of you. You would often communicate without using words – but that wouldn’t even save you both now. He let you have it, 5 minutes of total silence, how you stood with your hands down on your kitchen counter staring at nothing. You could tell exactly what he was thinking, considering he was pacing up and down the room, and wouldn’t take his eyes off you. Until eventually Andrew sighed, making you raise your eyes to him; “Why… Why even bother turning up? Why would you want to be there today? With me. Why are you even okay with me?” He looked away from you, squinting in thought, “I understand the reasons you hate me right now. Which makes me not understand why you would…” He trailed, finding it hard to describe how he could know you weren’t happy – but you could still look at him like he was your world… Was there even a way to describe that? “Oh. Andrew…” You almost sounded desperate, but exasperated, your face softening and for a moment your heart bled for him – because he always felt like everything had to be understandable and logical; it was just how his brain processed. Just once sometimes you wished he would realise that your feelings for him really weren’t logical at all. You could never really hate him. “Look. I love you. And that’s never going to change, it’s just sometimes you make me SO mad!” You ran your hands through your hair with a small exhale, settling your eyes back on his infinite stare; “Because I see the good in you Andrew. And I want more people to see that. YOU might think he’s gone, and your family clearly do, but not me. I KNOW it’s there. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t see it. But you do things like this, and I just…” You gave a gentle shrug, unable to even explain it for yourself; “If I don’t believe in you, who will? It hurts me when you hurt yourself. And I feel sorry for you and… that is that.” His stare was measured, and his blink slow. You knew he wouldn’t say anything, Andrew just wasn’t built that way. But you wanted him to, right then more than any other moment you wanted words to spill from his lips. Andrew’s blue eyes left yours and he looked to the floor - that was a lot, all at once it was a lot for you to just say to him. It would be a lot to not respond to; then again, he wasn’t sure what he could say. He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings for you, Andrew never had been, but he knew he felt something – things he’d never felt for any other person, not even his own family. They were just so hard to say with conviction that sounded like he really believed them. You stepped from the counter and walked across the room to him, although he took several paces back, shying away from your touch. You wouldn’t take that as an answer, because you needed him right now – he needed you too. You took Andrew’s hand in yours; allowing him to maintain the gap but letting him know you weren’t about to let go. He shook his head slowly, still not meeting your eyes, and his next sentence was murmured – a thought to himself that maybe he hadn’t meant to say aloud; “I don’t deserve you. But you’re the only thing I’ve got right so far…” You tipped your head, unsure where exactly that had come from; “Andrew, I-” “I shouldn’t have done it. I know that.” Sorry. He was saying sorry, in a typically Andrew way of saying it. It’d take time for the actual word to come – or else maybe he’d simply show you. You framed his face with your free hand, tilting his head back up so those haunting eyes could meet yours once more. “…What…?” Andrew’s lips parted, no words came, before he swallowed and placed his hand over yours. For a moment you thought he might pull away once more, but he didn’t. His eyes simply searched yours for any way he might get away with never saying something so honest again. “I know you heard me.” You didn’t quite roll your eyes; instead pulling yourself to him, forehead against his – gently humming your agreement. I Did. You closed your eyes to the silence and lost yourself to the sound of his breathing. You knew exactly who this man was, and everything he was capable of – no matter how much you tried to burry that beneath your love for him, and no matter how hard you tried to save him from it. But, more importantly, Andrew Cody was yours - and you weren’t about to ever let him forget it.

---

Thank you for reading-!😍

@happyskywhale @wltz-bby #MendoTagSquad

[nabrizoya]

TLH; theories, expectations and hopes.

Kinda want to talk about downworlder appearances here. A little more than a long post. 

» 2. Downworld Denizens.

note: to all those who haven’t yet read TDA, GOTSM etc. (because ik a few who haven’t read them yet) this post is not for you. 

TL;DR this post talks about the proportion (no math here) of downworlder appearances in each of the series and novellas we have read. The Bane Chronicles not included.

For understanding’s sake, I’ll divide the downworld as the shadow market does. Into four major segments: warlocks, faeries (with sub-divisions), vampires and werewolves. While we do see other groups of non-shadowhunters and mundanes like the irfits, the djinns, the kelpies, sprites and wights, the mermaids, witches etc. we haven’t seen much of them be a major part of the plot as the above mentioned four do. 

That being cleared, let’s start series wise. 

▸ In The Mortal Instruments, we saw all the four interact. More than interact, actually. Every one of them played a major role in turning the series around. 

Vampires, we know what Simon Lewis, Raphael and Lily did. What antagonists Camille Belcourt and Maureen did and how they shaped the series. 

Werewolf packs, there were revolutions and the emergence of newer and stronger packs.

Warlocks, Magnus Bane, of course, but Ragnor played a part in the first trilogy and we saw Catarina’s abilities in the later half. Tessa was briefly mentioned and the timeline added up by the time COHF ended. 

In TMI, the Seelie Court entirely turned the tables while TDA picked up the thread from its counterpart, the Unseelie Court. Mark was taken away by the wild hunt which sets the precedent to TDA.

And, The End. 

[It’s been two years since I’ve read TMI and I barely remember things from it. All those I do remember is from vague readings that I did from wikia or see Dani’s rereading posts. There are inaccuracies here, but the jist remains the same.]

▸ Walk over to The Infernal Devices. 

Magnus Bane was a crucial character in the series, with a random appearance from Ragnor Fell. We saw Mortmain’s parents too, the warlocks whose deaths Mortmain wanted to avenge. Tessa is not a major warlock character. She’s the protag.

The Dark Sisters, a pair of witches, who unethically and literally shaped Tessa because she possessed the ability to shape-shift. 

Vampires, Alexie deQuincy, the guy in association with the Pandemonium, the club that Mortmain ran. Camille orchestrated the attack on him besides being a side character. 

Werewolves; we saw them both attack and defend Will Herondale on his way to Cadair Idris. Woolsey Scott was the head.

And that’s pretty much where downworlder appearance subsides. No mention of faeries. 

▸ On to The Dark Artifices now. 

Faeries played a MAJOR role in the events of TDA, which makes sense because the Cold Peace greatly influenced the beginning of the series. 

Mark’s return and the eventual discovery of the alliance that Malcolm had with that dude, [for real, I actually forgot his name and I can’t remember or be bothered enough to look it up], who used Mark and Kieran as their pawns to get what they wanted. 

The Unseelie King is dead, the Seelie Queen yeed her last haw and we saw the whole business with the first heir, that took its origins from Ghosts of the Shadow Market. 

Oh, not to forget the ruthless Riders of Mannan. 

And Thule, but we don’t talk about that here. 

Vampires, well, only Nightshade and his drugs. 

Werewolves, nope. None at all. 

Warlocks, yesss, what with the warlock fever and such. The major warlocks we noted are Magnus, Shade Fell, Tessa and, of course, Malcolm Fade. 

Hypatia Vex and Barnabas Hale also were instrumental to the plot since they detailed the tensions of the market. There’s sourness that we saw between Magnus and Hypatia, which should hint towards something. 

▸ Going forth with the Novellas, in Tales From the Shadowhunter Academy, we saw each one of them be mentioned to connect the dots between TMI and TDA and then draw the strings from TID. 

We noted the Uprising and the news of Lucian’s turning in the werewolf part. 

Vampires, I don’t think there was any mention of them at all. 

Warlocks, we saw our little Max Bluebell, Magnus and Alec as a family. Tessa is a warlock who has settled with her and our long lost love, Jem Carstairs. 

Faeries, now, aah, Helen’s inhumane exile, Andrew and Arthur’s torture in the Land Under the Hill, Lady Nerissa, the brief Wild Hunt stunt when Simon got imprisoned and Mark Blackthorn *sob* etc. 

▸ Ghosts of the Shadow Market:

Faeries, yet again, who, out of their spite, destroyed Matthew Fairchild’s life and we don’t how much more detrimental it is going to be ahaha pain my old fren, they harmed Jem too along with Rosemary Herondale, almost killed Tessa etc. 

Vampires, still none. But we did get to see Raphael and Lily’s interactions (The Son of Dawn) and Lily’s past (The Land I Lost). 

Warlocks, yes Tessa! Malcolm Fade and the weird book he was looking for in Every Exquisite Thing. (👀) Catarina Loss and her excellent healing prowess. Leopolda and her stains. Yeah, nothing more.

Werewolves, oh yes Mr. Scott, who helped end Leopolda Stain’s plans. And oh, the smuggling of yin-fen ofc in The Son of Dawn, and the kind werewolves who helped Alec, Lily, Tessa and Jem in The Land I Lost. 

That’s pretty much it. 

The real requirement that the post will satisfy is to see how each of them will make an appearance in The Last Hours.

Warlocks: 

Magnus will not play a major role (nor do I want him to which I will explain in a further post).

Tessa is minimally using her warlock magic. You know, for the smallest of things like some healing powers, lighting a candle with magic. The small stuff. She will, also, play a major role in defeating Belial because she is Belial’s daughter though currently, she is choosing to not use her demonic powers. 

Hypatia Vex is rumoured to be Magnus’ girlfriend? But I’d also like to see her as the authority of Hell Ruelle. Let’s not reduce her to being a simple love interest please.

Malcolm Fade.

I’d also like to see Catarina please Miss Clare, make it happen. 🥺

Land Under the Hill: 

Faeries shall certainly make an appearance. But most of all, they’ll be more inclined to destroy the Herondale lineage. The same happened with Matthew (as we found out in The Land I Lost from Auraline’s guardian): to end the Herondales.

There is a snippet in COI wikia where Cordelia freezes when a faerie tells her not to marry a man who does not love her. I’m ready to believe this is Mother Hawthorn, Auraline’s guardian.

There are also theories that Grace is Nene. Which is a possibility, and if it is true, we can see another faerie plotline.

I’m grasping at straws at this point but,,, Jesse speaking about the Land Under the Hill when he first meets Lucie will probably mean something? This is not my strongest bet, because in Chapter 3, the idea is diminished. Jesse tells Lucie that shadowhunters know about faerie traps too. But, just in case, some food for thought. 

Vampires & Werewolves: 

Vampires and Werewolves WILL play an important role in shaping the series here. With little to no involvement of theirs in TID (and TDA), it is a heavy possibility. 

The series took off with Elias’ punishment for being the person responsible for the deaths of werewolves in Idris. This will come back and bite the families, I’m sure. 

There are theories Matthew might be stripped of his marks to either become a vampire or a werewolf. Strong bets, but I hope not. (is this how werewolves will take their revenge? who knows).

Woolsey Scott and Camille Belcourt are set to make an appearance and we do not know why. 

Pandemonium is coming back too, lads and ladies and everybody else. 

Lily Chen is already present and she is set to become friends, or at least acquaintances, with Camille because they spend the 1920s together. 

Cordelia is going to save Lily and I cannot wait for it. 🥺

And, the end. 

This will also lead more towards the building up of The Wicked Powers too. 

. . .

One last warlock to talk more about is Malcolm Fade. 

Around the timeline of TLH, he has a connection with the Blackthorns and for the most part, is trusted by Magnus and Ragnor as a good and virtuous man. I should believe he was, until the truth is dug out, either in 1903/04, or sometime before 1936 when Jem inquires with Sister Emilia about Annabel Blackthorn. 

As per the information from TDA, Malcolm already was associated with the Unseelie King in the early 1800s, before the Accords that granted peace between downworlders and shadowhunters. He took the Black Volume of the Dead, though he is not possession of it. Yet.

Let me give you map of MF connections (mf connections lmao): 

Blackthorns 

Necromancy 

Black Volume of the Dead 

Warlock Magic aka Portals and Death Magic 

Cornwall Gardens and Institute

Avenging to vengeance 

Shadow Markets 

Sisterhood 

... This will then lead us to more interesting theories. Cassie did mention in one of her asks/answers that Malcolm is going to be a major character in this series. And you bet I’m making a theory about this too. 

That concludes the post. That’s it. If you’ve managed to read this entirety, you’re either too excellent or you’re just as jobless as me. Either way, here’s your reward for bearing with me. Trust me, you won’t regret opening it.

[thecreepiestcarrie]

#JusticeforJohnnyDepp: Johnny’s witness statements at a glance (Kevin Murphy & Kate James)

Things I Cover in this Post:

AH’s consumption of alcohol and prescription pills

AH consistently lying/submitting false documents in order to get what she wants

the dogs in Australia

AH lying to Homeland Security

AH’s abuse of Johnny (both verbal and physical)

the shit in the bed

AH bullying/threatening/intimidating members of Johnny’s staff

The two witness statements I’m including highlights from come from: Kate James- personal assistant to AH for a little under 3 years & Kevin Murphy- Johnny’s estate manager for 8 years, ending in 2016

Before we get into that, I would really love it if you could check out and sign this petition that is demanding an official review into the misconduct of the judge for this case, Andrew Nicol.

It’s a lot of talk about the illegal smuggling of the dogs into Australia, which could definitely come off as tedious af, but I feel this is an excellent demonstrator of the character of Scum and how she tries to manipulate/control all those around her. That is mostly what this instalment is going to be about, employees speaking to the character of Scum and her non-existent relationship with the truth.

Beginning with a woman who worked as assistant to Scum, so Scum was paying her, you would think her loyalty would be to her employer, the person she was working for and spending lots of time with. Well, nope, coz Scum is exactly that - SCUM.

More of Scum bullying/belittling Johnny. But I mainly included this part so we could take a look at Kate’s account of Scum drinking ‘vast quantities’ of wine each night. Johnny recounted in his witness statements of his ‘difficult’ relationship with drink and drugs, including visits to rehab facilities in order to get sober. He talks specifically of March 2015, in Australia (when she mutilated his finger), saying:  Under the stress of the situation, I poured myself a glass of vodka and drank it. It was with this glass that I broke my sobriety. Kate was fired by Scum (actually blindsided is how she put it) in Feb of 2015, so the testimony of her buying non-alcoholic beer for Johnny holds up to me.

Before I started reading properly into this case, I was nervous to properly research into it because I was thinking that I would read something about Johnny that I didn’t like and I was terrified that I’d never come back from that. 12 years of my life- loving, idolising, being inspired by this man- I didn’t want that to end in a blazing burn of ‘wow, what a shithead, I can’t believe that’s what I dedicated time/money/energy to’. But halleloo, he is everything I’ve always hoped he was and potentially more. So I included this section not just as a ‘wow, Johnny is the greatest’, but also, Scum’s assistant failing to see any signs of injury, which is just another voice to add to the booming chorus at this point.

Here we have Scum wilfully and knowingly breaking laws for her own benefit.

Here is the photo that was submitted as part of Kate’s evidence. It isn’t super clear but I’ve highlighted the date, as well as some of the flowery language Scum employs to portray herself as so much better than she is and just going over the top with that.

This is a check Kate submitted in her evidence. To me, the signature doesn’t seem to match the one on the document from Scum. But what is important about this check is the name: Savannah McMillian, the fact that it’s from the Bank of America and the date, of September 2014, which is the same month of Scum’s false document (if you zoom in).

There is no chance in Hell that Savannah was just a friend of Scum’s visiting America for a magical trip. No ma’am, no Pam. I also wanted to include a screenshot provided by Kevin Murphy of an email from Savannah, in which she specifically introduces herself as Scum’s assistant. So here is another lie to add to her list (is there even any room on the tally board anymore?)

‘She felt that she was above the law’

Hmm, what does that remind me of? Oh right, the symptoms/signs of antisocial personality disorders aka SOCIOPATHIC BEHAVIOUR! Referring back to Mayo Clinic, they describe: a disregard for right/wrong, arrogance/sense of superiority, unnecessary risk-taking, failure to consider negative consequences/learn from them, consistent irresponsibility and so on and so on.

She’s lied and perjured herself in the past - why wouldn’t she continue to lie to get what she wants? aka- this whole hoax against Johnny.

Grease? Calm down sweetie, you’re not in the mob. Just say bribe.

GREASE ME UP, WOMAN!

Anyway, let’s move along to Kevin Murphy, a man who worked with Johnny for 8 years and had to deal with a lot of Scum’s shit.

Here we have Johnny telling a member of his staff about the physical abuse he was being subjected to - why didn’t Scum do the same and tell members of her team? Oh right, because it never happened to her.

Kevin was very involved with all of the dog smuggling bullshit and it became a personal matter for him. All of this could’ve been avoided... If not for Scum’s selfishness.

She threatened him and his job and then tried to place all of the legal blame of the smuggling onto him.

Again, I wanted to touch on Scum’s use of alcohol and even drugs. I wanted to be fair to Scum in this, maybe she was using Provigil under a prescription, just like Johnny and his Roxicodone. So I did some digging and I found that yes, Provigil does require a prescription. 

But, from what I could gather from my reading, you can get some over the counter substitutes that have a lower dosage.

But no.2, I found a website where you can purchase Provigil.

I took the liberty of adding it to a cart and selecting checkout. I took all of the steps up to the point where I’d have to pay and guess what? Not once was I asked to provide any details of a GP or of a prescription.

Again, to be fair to Scum, I checked to see if you could also get Roxicodone on this website and guess what?

No, no you can’t.

I don’t intend for this to be taken as conclusive evidence in any way, but it was something that I found interesting.

I really wish they had gotten it DNA tested.

Scum told three different versions of this shit in the bed story-

shit? What shit? There wasn’t any shit in the bed

Yeah, lol, there was shit in the bed, just a harmless prank, got ‘im!

It was the dogs the whole time

And then she projects onto Kevin the fact that she lied, because that’s what she loves to do. She takes her own behaviour and applies it to other people to get them in trouble. This indicates to me that she knows her actions are wrong, but I guess she just thinks she can always find a way to get out of it.

Is she a child? Is she an actual infant? Is she a fucking child?

He had to go and tell 8 other members of their/Johnny’s team to make sure she wouldn’t misbehave and then she went and did it anyway! Is she a child?! It’s like she’s a fucking kid who the Dad has to tell the babysitter that ‘no, she isn’t usually allowed candy, please don’t give her any’ and then the babysitter catches her with a stash of candy anyway! It’s pathetic!

Johnny didn’t want the dogs to come at all and yet, he’s the one who bore most of the brunt over here in the media. And still does, if you refer to this incident, it’s not her dogs, it’s Johnny Depp and his dogs that he snuck in to the country that pissed off the government.

She had this man believing he was going to lose his job because he was trying to correct a legal wrong that she had knowingly committed.

And here she is making a joke about it, on her own fucking Instagram. She had someone take that photo, typed out the caption and decided: ‘yep, this is something I can stand behind, this is fine, this is great content’ and posted it to the world.

Here we go again with another example of that sociopathic behaviour, with her showing a complete lack of remorse and a lack of empathy over the damage this did to the other people involved.

I hope this has helped to provide a greater insight into the type of person Scum is, how manipulative, ruthless and uncaring she is to any/all of the people around her when she’s in pursuit of a goal. I also hope this has helped to shed more light on Scum and her habits with alcohol and pills, which she doesn’t want you to know about, of course. It’s kinda hard for her to consistently call Johnny an addict when she clearly cracks into the goon sack a fair amount herself.

[rockislandadultreads]

Dark Mood Read: a reading list from BookRiot

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

For readers of Atul Gawande, Andrew Solomon, and Anne Lamott, a profoundly moving, exquisitely observed memoir by a young neurosurgeon faced with a terminal cancer diagnosis who attempts to answer the question 'What makes a life worth living?' At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade's worth of training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. One day he was a doctor treating the dying, and the next he was a patient struggling to live. And just like that, the future he and his wife had imagined evaporated. When Breath Becomes Air chronicles Kalanithi's transformation from a naïve medical student "possessed," as he wrote, "by the question of what, given that all organisms die, makes a virtuous and meaningful life" into a neurosurgeon at Stanford working in the brain, the most critical place for human identity, and finally into a patient and new father confronting his own mortality. What makes life worth living in the face of death? What do you do when the future, no longer a ladder toward your goals in life, flattens out into a perpetual present? What does it mean to have a child, to nurture a new life as another fades away? These are some of the questions Kalanithi wrestles with in this profoundly moving, exquisitely observed memoir. Paul Kalanithi died in March 2015, while working on this book, yet his words live on as a guide and a gift to us all. "I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed nothing and everything," he wrote. "Seven words from Samuel Beckett began to repeat in my head: 'I can't go on. I'll go on.'" When Breath Becomes Air is an unforgettable, life-affirming reflection on the challenge of facing death and on the relationship between doctor and patient, from a brilliant writer who became both.

Tenth of December by George Saunders

One of the most important and blazingly original writers of his generation, George Saunders is an undisputed master of the short story, and Tenth of December is his most honest, accessible, and moving collection yet. In the taut opening, "Victory Lap," a boy witnesses the attempted abduction of the girl next door and is faced with a harrowing choice: Does he ignore what he sees, or override years of smothering advice from his parents and act? In "Home," a combat-damaged soldier moves back in with his mother and struggles to reconcile the world he left with the one to which he has returned. And in the title story, a stunning meditation on imagination, memory, and loss, a middle-aged cancer patient walks into the woods to commit suicide, only to encounter a troubled young boy who, over the course of a fateful morning, gives the dying man a final chance to recall who he really is. A hapless, deluded owner of an antique store; two mothers struggling to do the right thing; a teenage girl whose idealism is challenged by a brutal brush with reality; a man tormented by a series of pharmaceutical experiments that force him to lust, to love, to kill—the unforgettable characters that populate the pages of Tenth of December are vividly and lovingly infused with Saunders' signature blend of exuberant prose, deep humanity, and stylistic innovation. Writing brilliantly and profoundly about class, sex, love, loss, work, despair, and war, Saunders cuts to the core of the contemporary experience. These stories take on the big questions and explore the fault lines of our own morality, delving into the questions of what makes us good and what makes us human. Unsettling, insightful, and hilarious, the stories in Tenth of December—through their manic energy, their focus on what is redeemable in human beings, and their generosity of spirit—not only entertain and delight; they fulfill Chekhov's dictum that art should "prepare us for tenderness."

Please Look After Mom by Shin Kyung-sook, Chi-Young Kim (Translator)

An international sensation and a bestseller that has sold over 1.5 million copies author's Korea, Please Look After Mom is a stunning, deeply moving story of a family's search for their missing mother - and their discovery of the desires, heartaches and secrets they never realized she harbored within. When sixty-nine year old So-nyo is separated from her husband among the crowds of the Seoul subway station, and vanishes, their children are consumed with loud recriminations, and are awash in sorrow and guilt. As they argue over the "Missing" flyers they are posting throughout the city - how large of a reward to offer, the best way to phrase the text - they realize that none of them have a recent photograph of Mom. Soon a larger question emerges: do they really know the woman they called Mom? Told by the alternating voices of Mom's daughter, son, her husband and, in the shattering conclusion, by Mom herself, the novel pieces together, Rashomon-style, a life that appears ordinary but is anything but. This is a mystery of one mother that reveals itself to be the mystery of all our mothers: about her triumphs and disappointments and about who she is on her own terms, separate from who she is to her family. If you have ever been a daughter, a son, a husband or a mother, Please Look After Mom is a revelation - one that will bring tears to your eyes.

A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishmael Beah

The devastating story of war through the eyes of a child soldier. Beah tells how, at the age of twelve, he fled attacking rebels and wandered a land rendered unrecognizable by violence. By thirteen, he’d been picked up by the government army, and became a soldier. My new friends have begun to suspect I haven’t told them the full story of my life. “Why did you leave Sierra Leone?” “Because there is a war.” “You mean, you saw people running around with guns and shooting each other?” “Yes, all the time.” “Cool.” I smile a little. “You should tell us about it sometime.” “Yes, sometime.” This is how wars are fought now: by children, hopped-up on drugs and wielding AK-47s. Children have become soldiers of choice. In the more than fifty conflicts going on worldwide, it is estimated that there are some 300,000 child soldiers. Ishmael Beah used to be one of them. What is war like through the eyes of a child soldier? How does one become a killer? How does one stop? Child soldiers have been profiled by journalists, and novelists have struggled to imagine their lives. But until now, there has not been a first-person account from someone who came through this hell and survived. In A Long Way Gone, Beah, now twenty-five years old, tells a riveting story: how at the age of twelve, he fled attacking rebels and wandered a land rendered unrecognizable by violence. By thirteen, he’d been picked up by the government army, and Beah, at heart a gentle boy, found that he was capable of truly terrible acts. This is a rare and mesmerizing account, told with real literary force and heartbreaking honesty.

[dragonnan]

16, 17 and 19 for the most recent ask thingy, should you feel the mood sway you. 😁

The mood will ALWAYS sway me lol!

16. Describe your WIP that currently has the highest word count.

Simon and Simon and Psych (Psych/Simon & Simon) Word count: 24,323

So this one, in spite of not being updated in YEARS, is a story I’m still absolutely on fire to resume because I’m just thrilled af about the concept. It’s a crossover between 2 series I love - Psych and Simon & Simon (an 80s Private Detective series).  What excites me most about it was the reimagining of Simon & Simon for the modern era while still retaining all of the things that made the characters what they were.  

A little back story on Simon & Simon as I feel more people will be less familiar with that series of the two.  The series is about 2 brothers who decided to open a detective agency together after the younger brother, AJ (Andrew Jackson), left the larger detective agency where he had been working for several years.  

AJ is blond, surfed a great deal as a younger man, attended law school, and was considered the “golden child” growing up somewhat sheltered and cherished and maybe a tad innocent of the world.  When his brother went to Viet Nam, AJ took part in the peace protests - primarily because he was terrified for his brother and wanted to do anything he could to make the fighting stop.  AJ tends to be the more mature of the brothers - nearly always wearing a suit and usually takes lead in dealing with clients (assuming Rick doesn’t interrupt him).  

Rick, the older brother, left home after they father died and bounced around from various interests, including being a biker for a time, before going to Viet Nam.  He would come back from the war with a boatload of PTSD and a very fierce drive to protect his younger brother (probably far more so than he’d even felt prior to Viet Nam but to be clear - Rick is VERY protective of AJ).  All of that, however, might take the casual observer by surprise as Rick is incredibly irresponsible (on the surface) and nearly always in a good mood or quick with a joke.  Just don’t threaten baby bro other their mother.  Really, just do not.   

So that’s a bit of backstory so I can mention my changes for the modern era.  Instead of Viet Nam, Rick is now a veteran of Desert Storm.  They now both carry cell phones instead of relying on pay phones or other land lines.  They have a website.  I’ve updated their cars.  Before, AJ drove a red Camaro T Top so I changed that to a 2008 Chevy Corvette.  Rick, in the series, drove a 1979 Dodge Power Wagon so that one... did not change lol!  I seriously cannot picture Rick in any other vehicle. 

So after ALL OF THAT there’s actually a story in progress...

The plot thus far is that the Simon brothers are in Santa Barbara because AJ is running in the annual Half Marathon (an actual one cause I do like to blend some real events with my fiction lol).  While in town, Rick goes to run an errand - picking up an item his buddy Carlos had shipped but wasn’t able to pick up himself because Carlos is... sketchy (an actual character from the series that we hear about anecdotally from Rick).  Meanwhile, Juliet and Lassiter are at the shipyards as well, having set up a sting on suspicion of drug activity.  So, of course, when Rick goes to collect this item for Carlos, he ends up being stopped by the cops who confiscate the item after finding it filled with drugs and they arrest Rick.  THIS, then, is how the crossover comes into play as Shawn, of course, horns in on the investigation and immediately suspects that Rick is being setup so he volunteers to help out the Simons.  Various things happen which ultimately leads Shawn, Gus, and AJ back to the shipyards and a suspicious warehouse (aren’t ALL warehouses suspicious?) where suspicious men are rapidly emptying it of product.  The 3 men get caught and are bundled off in the back of a suspicious vehicle to a suspicious location.  At about this time Rick is let out on bail (thanks moooom....) and in a panic as he hasn’t heard from his brother.  When he realizes AJ must be in trouble, he ends up tentatively joining up with Juliet and Lassiter who are trying to find Shawn. Nobody is entirely thrilled with being teamed up in either group...

And this is roughly where things stand after the last update!     

So after I’ve subjected you to all of the above, how about a snippet from chapter 1?

___

Shawn Spencer spun slowly in his father's chair – maintaining just enough speed to make a full revolution before kicking himself into another circuit.  Typically he enjoyed his time at the station, provided he wasn't behind bars or being subjected to an interrogation.  Okay, scratch that.  He did enjoy an interrogation provided his hot pants girlfriend with a personal pair of handcuffs was the one dressing him down.  He leered. He didn't even have to try to make that sound dirty.  

Right.  Back on the subject at hand. Naughty cop Jules would, sadly, have to wait until they could have some private time.

If they could have some private time.  Of course, the way things were going lately...

And that brought him back full circle to his original beef.

Dad was being cagey. Like, Nick Cagey complete with diminished mane and sneaky covertness. Sure, he pretended he wasn't being covert but his dad sucked almost as bad as Lassie when he tried to fake acting casual. He was way too sour in the shorts to pull off that level of none chalice.

Like now, the old man was going for coffee. Like anybody with half a badge couldn't see right through that act. Shawn pulled together a mild sneer as his dad returned to his desk.

“Really? You put sugar in that too?”

His dad didn't look at him as he set his coffee on the desk. “Stop glaring at me. And get the hell out of my chair!”

Shawn didn't budge. “I am on to you.” He enunciated with immaculate exaggeration.

“The only thing you're on is my chair. And too many Pop Rocks; I thought Gus had cut you back to one pack a day.”

“I'm allowed two packs on the weekend.”

“It's Wednesday, kiddo. Maybe it's time you invested in a calendar.”

“Well maybe it's time you invested in hair plugs!” Shawn paused as his father crossed his arms. The pointing hand dropping back to his lap. “Too Terence Stamp? Sorry, I was caught up in the moment.”

“What do you want, Shawn?”  Giving up on patience, Henry opted for shoving his son until he toppled out of the chair.  Ignoring the yelp when Shawn flopped to the tile, he scooted closer to the desk so he could pull up the report he'd been working on.  Fingers just coming to rest on his keyboard, he scowled at the active game of Pitfall taking up his screen.  He tapped a button but rather than taking him back to the SBPD mainframe, it caused the character to jump into the green shapes he assumed were meant to be alligators.  Behind him, Shawn gasped.

“You just killed my last guy!”

“Be grateful that's all I've killed.” Slapping a few more keys he finally found the right combination to get back to his report.  

Still sitting on the floor, Shawn drew up his knees up and propped his chin on both fists.  Not even managing to type a single word, Henry sighed and swiveled towards his moping son.

“What, Shawn?”

Now that he had the desired attention, Shawn pushed his lower lip out the tiniest bit.  “Jules is busy and she said I can't help with the stakeout cause it's “super stupid important, Shawn” and Gus won't let me borrow the blueberry so I can follow her cause deep down inside I know she wants me to help cause, please, like I don't always make a stakeout better – I mean, who else is going to remember to bring an extra container of cheese dip for the nachos because one cup is just never enough and believe you me you do not want to short cheese a guy packing tear gas...”

Henry held up a hand to cut off the ramble that could easily go on another five minutes.  With his other hand he rubbed at his aching eyes.  Of course Shawn would find out about the sting.  However, Chief Vick had been adamant about keeping him out of it.  Henry had actually lobbied for including his son on the details – the memory of the last big operation that had temporarily cost him his job was not an easily healing wound.  Rather than even attempt reconstructing the word barrage of bitching, Henry latched on to the least pointless detail.

“Where is Gus anyhow?  I thought you two left an hour ago for dinner.”

Shawn shrugged.  “I don't know for certain...  I mean, by now he could be anywhere.  He's always expressed an interest in touring with Alicia Keys...”

“Shawn.”

“We went to Taco Louie's and he insisted on the deep fried beef and bean mini burrito...”

Henry raised his hand again.  Enough said.

“Well whatever you were thinking, I'm still not talking the Chief out of her decision.  You're bored?  How about you work on the burglary case I gave you.”

“Daaaad... the Redbox robberies?” Groaning, Shawn flopped on his back and sprawled dramatically. Officers passing back and forth shot glances at the display and Henry rubbed his face in embarrassment.

“Dammit, Shawn, get off the floor! You look like an idiot!”

Shawn sat up but didn't stand.  Nor was he ready to let go of his latest complaint.

“Come on!  Dad, Redbox?  That is so... not sexy!”

17. Describe a fic that is still in the ‘ideas’ stage.

This one is an Iron Man character exploration regarding Tony’s relationship with Obie and that, with hindsight, he realizes Obie had been grooming him.  It will never cross that crucial line but the potential leaves Tony reeling.  This will be in the same universe as another short fic titled “Simple Math”.  Here’s the bit of writing I’d put together so far:

_____

He'd thought it was bonding; at the time.  His dad had never been one for just hanging out; shooting the shit; telling tales out of school.  No, Pops, when he bothered to interact, led with questions.  “You keeping your grades up?” “You still seeing that floozy?” “When are you going to pull your head out of your ass and grow the hell up?” “You do realize it's my name you're disgracing every time you go on a bender?”

With Obie it was just, easy.  Obie might ask about school but it was always with approval and pride.  He would discuss Tony's conquests as though Tony had climbed Kilimanjaro wearing nothing but underwear and a cape.    

Obie was there when his father wasn't. Which meant that Obie was always there.  The first time he got astoundingly drunk on his father's scotch, Obie was the one to help him hunch over the toilet and vomit expensive, aged booze into the toilet.  Obie was also the one to replace the depleted bottle to keep Howard in the dark.  For a fourteen year old kid still trying to gain his dad's favor, that had meant everything.

He saw his first porn with Obie; sex education ala Traci Lords, three months shy of his fifteenth birthday.  That was the same time he was introduced to weed.  Obie had cautioned him to use it sparingly; didn't want to fry that genius brain, he'd say, and ruffle his hair.  The porn had made him uncomfortable.  Obie had turned it off and told him they could watch whatever Tony wanted.  They'd ended up changing the station to Knight Rider; smoking and munching Cheetos and laughing over their orange fingers.

It was Obie who was there, arm around his shoulders, after his parents died.  He desperately didn't want to sob in front of the man.  Things were so complicated with his dad that all he felt was blinding guilt... as though some part of him had caused this.  But Obie had filled him with bourbon until the emotions got soft around the edges and he'd sat beside the older man, head tipping gradually to the right until he was held up by Obie's bicep. Obie had just slung and arm around him and let Tony pass out while he rubbed a broad hand up and down his arm.

It was strange, now, looking back with adult perspective.  A perspective that included Afghanistan and his intended execution and Obie's arm around his shoulders while he talked about legacy and responsibility while Tony's lungs slowly seized.  He'd taken the time to sit there – arm around Tony's shoulders while one broad hand traveled up and down Tony's bicep – just like when he was a kid and Obie was the whole world.

He'd tried to remember if it had felt so tainted... at the time.  Or if he'd always believed it was love.

Obie had never quite crossed that line. Though hindsight offered a peek into that possibility with enough clarity Tony had fought with his cramping gut for nearly thirty minutes.  He'd staved off vomiting though he was fairly certain his dignity had still been in tatters what with Bruce wandering in on his misery.

19. What’s your favorite character headcanon?

Gosh... It’s funny that when asked the question the first thing that I ponder is “what head canons?? what are characters??? Do I even watch tv???” So I needed to ponder a bit.

As far as it goes my favorite head canons are not typically ones that I myself have come up with.  And going with that maybe the best one I know is for the series, and character, Sherlock.

I’m am 100% all in on Sherlock being on the autism spectrum.  Yes, I know this is attributed to MANY characters but consider the fact that those reasons have a ton of validity.  Sherlock has very strong indications of being on the spectrum and having read quite a number of essays on the subject, many of which were written by people who are also on the spectrum, I’m completely convinced.  It’s to the point I don’t even like calling it a “head canon” as that implies it’s only a fan concept and therefore has less likelihood.  It just feels so deliberate with that character.  

So going off from that I would say, in a more general sense, my favorite head canons are they type where we can discover neurologically atypical traits in characters - especially heroes.  Too long anyone neurologically divergent is portrayed either as a victim or, FAR FAR worse, as the “crazed villain” and frankly that is disgusting.  So it is beyond refreshing to suddenly have this amazing, brilliant, layered person who also displays autistic traits.  In going back over characters that I’ve loved most there are many who have traits of this sort that, only in hindsight, do I recognize.  Just a few off the top of my head; Malcolm Bright, Shawn Spencer (100% ADHD), Rapunzel, Rick Simon (remember him? lol), Adrien Monk (his OCD was very deliberate), as well as characters who’ve developed trauma after horrific events such as, well, most MCU characters but particularly Tony Stark and Stephen Strange.  Malcolm Bright also very much was built from trauma but I also am convinced there are neurologically atypical traits at play.  

Thank you so much for the great ask!!        

[meanminyxrd]

smokey eyes by lincoln but its andreil

i doubt anyone is going to fully read through this, but i like to song analyze. i like to take songs i find and explain why i’ve added them to my aftg playlists. this first song i’m going to “explain”, i suppose, is smokey eyes by lincoln. it’s added to neil’s playlist.

The first verse is as follows:

Smokey eyes, are you feeling good?

For now, you’re here with me

Seems like we’ve waited long enough

For someone else to make us feel complete

It’s not a bitter flavor, and it’s not a sweeter drink

I’m scared to ask you if you would do the same for me

at the beginning of whatever this thing with andrew is, neil believes that he is not important at all to andrew. he thinks that andrew doesn’t care as much as he himself does. but he’s okay with that; he’s gonna die by the end of the year anyways, so might as well have a good time. but still, it hurts. ‘are you feeling good?’—he wants to make andrew happy like andrew makes him feel happy. he wants to make andrew feel safe like andrew makes him feel safe. and for fucks sake, they HAVE waited long enough to feel happy and complete. they haven’t had anything like… THIS… their whole lives. and what they have, it isnt stereotypically sweet, but it isn’t in any means bad or bitter. it works out for them, and that’s what matters. and he cares so much about andrew that it hurts, it almost tears him apart to suddenly care about anyone but himself, but he doesnt think andrew cares back and is too scared to ask.

Smokey eyes; that’s your name, isn’t it?

At least that’s what I call you

When I call you, do you shake the way I shake

When I call to say I’m through?

“No, I shake the way you do at shows

So people know you’re cool

Violently, but still controlled enough to screw.”

you cannot tell me neil doesn’t come up with nicknames for andrew. my favorite head canons come from when neil is sleepy and calls andrew ‘drew and i get so weak reading them. as for the shaking part, its like neil’s saying ‘if i called to end it, whatever this thing is, i would be heartbroken and shaking from the anxiety and pain of it all. would you?’ and the only answer he can imagine coming back is that andrew doesnt care, and that all he was was a cheap fuck, because in the beginning that’s all andrew dares to show.

now, after the hotel in baltimore scene, he thinks andrew cares at this point. why else would andrew have fought for him to stay? but we all know how absolutely fucking oblivious neil can be. when he’s with aaron at the cabin during their vacation, he expresses he doesn’t believe andrew would care enough to do anything drastic for him. he genuinely believes that if aaron asked andrew to drop neil, that andrew would in order to keep his promise.

cut to the chorus of the song:

So help me make amends with all my friends

Most other people are just dead ends

There’s nothing worse than making friends

again, after baltimore, he knows andrew cares, but he doesnt know what to do about it or how exactly to cope with this revelation. if andrew cares, then it can’t be that much, right? because what could neil josten, a made up character and personality, have to offer to any of the foxes? yet he needs to make amends with the foxes. they’re all he has, and leaving them would break his heart. he is basically begging andrew not to send him away, begging wymack to let him stay. he wants to make amends, and most people who he’s tried to trust have just hurt him, so they’re dead ends. he hates that he’s attached because what could be worse than getting attached? but he cares, and he wants to fix it, fix this. he knows lying to them was wrong and he thinks the foxes will shun him because he’s the son of the butcher and also the yakuza is not just after kevin but him as well. he hates that he’s attached, but he is, and he wants to fix it.

Sticky thighs, are you wild now or just a memory?

Some people want to be your friend

Some people just want to be free

And the worst thing about me is that I’m somewhere in between;

I might miss you, but I’m still trying to get clean

‘some ppl wanna be ur friend’, the upperclassmen do attempt to include andrew in things, a lot more after neil kinda coaxes them to but the same nonetheless. it’s not easy trying to include the monsters, but neil’s relationship with both “sides” of the team are important to him, so each side tries their best to at least attempt to get along. ‘some ppl just want to be free’ ie aaron. aaron wanted out of the deal but didn’t know how to really get around it. nicky wanted to be more friendly with the upperclassmen but was held back by andrew’s rules. and neil, he’s somewhere in between. he wants to be (boy)friends with andrew, but he also still has this feeling of wanting to run, to leave before andrew leaves, and when he thinks of leaving he misses andrew but he’s also just trying to do what he thinks is best for both of them.

You’ve had enough to drink

You know you’re drowning in the flavor of

Cough syrup and Vicodin

You’ve got the bitter flavor down so

Dab the sweeter drink on a napkin, then

Hold it up to your mouth so you can sleep

andrew usually doesn’t get drunk, as he states he knows his limits, but he totally does when he’s really upset and isn’t gonna be driving. for instance, after a rough game without his meds he would be rewarded with alcohol from wymack. in the author’s notes, there’s a scene where andrew goes to wymack’s apartment to talk about neil and he chugs alcohol then, too. whether he’s able to admit it or not, andrew abuses alcohol as a way to cope. this lyric, to me, alludes to the use of drugs or drinks to cope.

Quiet lies that you’re telling to

Those black and screaming skies...

I hope you’re walking around campus

Contemplating your own smallish size

This is not what all my idols told me college would be like

I hope someday you learn to take your own advice

the quiet lies are in the blank stares, the flat expressions, the mean words and obvious apathy. andrew’s apathy keeps him safe, but neil sees through it. he knows its a lie. he’s knows that there’s more to this misunderstood monster and he wants to learn all about it. he hopes that andrew is able to think about bigger things, even when neil isnt there to try and get him to. he hopes andrew isn’t as impassive as he tries to make others believe. he hopes, and truly believes, that somewhere in there, andrew cares about neil.

furthermore, college is nothing like its made out to be. college, for neil, has been both hell and heaven. he never thought he’d even end up going, let alone go to play exy of all things. andrew is always giving neil advice, but he never follows any of it himself. andrew is all about getting neil to open up to him, but is hesitant to open up as well. neil understands, but he also hopes andrew warms up to him a bit. he enjoys their trust for trust relationship and genuinely wishes that one day andrew will be okay. maybe not good, but okay. because that’s a start.

and, scene.

thank you for reading if you read this far! i’ll probably end up doing more, tbh, because i really enjoy writing these. that’s all for now, though!

[100storiesin2020]

Chapter 8: Columbia, Part 2

Come read on AO3!

Neil checked the rear view mirror to make sure Ronan's BMW was still behind them before hopping out of the Maserati. He fetched an extra parking pass and handed it to Ronan through the window. "Follow Andrew to the parking lot. Blue, you can walk with them or come in with us." She hopped out as the two cars peeled off.

"So this is Eden's," she said as Nicky began an elaborate handshake with security. "How long have y'all been coming here?"

"Nicky and the twins used to work here," he said. "The staff remembers them, so we are able to get in without ID's and drink for free."

"Nice," was all she said as they entered. He directed her to go sit with the others and headed to the bar.

"Hello!" Roland called when he noticed Neil. He nodded his head over to their usual table in the corner. "I see you have a new face today. Will it be the usual treatment for them?"

"No," Neil said. "No drugs. Do throw in several extra drinks, though. We have another extra coming in with Andrew."

"Oh," Roland drew out, raising an eyebrow. "What's the story there?" Neil shrugged. He didn't really know why Ronan was there, actually. They had only wanted Blue. Roland continued to wait for an explanation, but finally realized it was in vain. "Alright then." He started to pull out glasses. "I'll give you your usual and a few undoctored extras. Do you have any idea what they like?" Roland smiled when Neil shook his head. "Bartender's choice, then. And a soda for you, as usual." He handed the very full tray to Neil. "Have a nice night!"

Neil navigated his way over to the table. Andrew and Ronan had arrived, and the booth was very crowded. Nicky had pulled up a bar stool to sit on, which made just enough space is everyone squeezed in. Blue was looking around interestedly, while Ronan was lounging as if bored out of his mind. Kevin reached for the drinks before they even hit the table, but Aaron didn't look up from texting long enough to notice.

"So," Blue said as Neil took his seat by Andrew, "You did say this was free?" Nicky excitedly launched into the story of how he had worked there. Blue nodded along as if she hadn't already heard. "Cool then. What's the most expensive thing here?" Nicky pointed out a swirly colorful concoction and Blue snapped it right up. "This is mine, then."

Ronan laughed. "You're not going to get drunk on a sissy drink like that."

"Good thing I wasn't planning to get drunk. Go to town, shithead." Ronan immediately kicked back several drinks. "And give me your keys before those give in." Ronan grumbled but handed over the keys. Somehow, he and Kevin were neck in neck for number of drinks consumed. How they were still alive, Neil didn't know. Eventually Nicky dragged Aaron and Kevin off to go dance, leaving Neil and Andrew alone with the freshmen.

Andrew immediately leaned across the table, looking Blue straight in the eye. "You're suspicious."

"You don't know the half of it," Blue replied, sipping her drink. Her eyes had gone tight, body stiff, like she was absolutely dreading this conversation. She didn't back down, though. This girl was made of steel.

"How do you know Mr. Gray?" Andrew asked.

Ronan leaned forward menacingly. "You don't need to know that."

Blue elbowed him before leveling a glare. "I promised to answer some questions about Mr. Gray. He kind of scared the shit out of Josten here. I can handle this. Go dance." When he tried to argue she shoved him out of the seat. He picked himself up off the floor, muttering curses, but did eventually leave. Blue turned back to them. "I believe I told you that he is dating my mother."

"Why is a small-town psychic dating a hit man, then?"

Blue was shocked. "You can't just say that were anyone can hear."

"This is a club. It's too loud for anyone to be listening to us without being obvious. Answer the question."

"He came to her to get a reading when he was in Henrietta... on assignment," she said with a grimace. "They apparently hit it off quickly. I kind of avoided learning the details."

"That leaves out the very important question of why a hit man was in Henrietta," Neil stated.

Blue glared at him. "All you two need to know," she said slowly, "is whether we're a risk. I know about the Butcher and the Moriyamas." Neil flinched. "Mr. Gray explained the situation and dynamics to me when I signed the contract. We aren't a target for them, and it's my understanding that you've got everything settled here. Is there anything else?"

"Can you protect them?" Andrew asked.

"What?"

"If something goes wrong, I will not protect them. That's up to you."

Blue nodded. "I've lost enough of my friends this last year. Nobody will touch them ever again." Andrew leaned back, satisfied, and went back to drinking. Blue sipped her drink for another minute or so and then left to dance.

"I think she'll be alright," Neil said in German. Andrew grunted. "She has the look of someone who isn't afraid to fight."

"She has scars," Andrew replied. "Around her eye."

Neil nodded thoughtfully. "Must wear makeup to hide them. What did you think of the rest of what she said? Nicky says she mentioned a friend dying recently, and she let slip that Gansey has died twice, whatever that means." Andrew hummed. "I think she has plenty of motivation to be on the lookout."

They sat there in silence for awhile, lights flashing on Andrew's blond hair. It still surprised Neil, sometimes, how much things had changed for him in the last year. He still hated crowds, didn't like loud music or drinking, but he liked Eden's. This was Andrew's territory, and with Andrew, he was safe. He was home.

His thoughts were interrupted by the others coming back to the table. Kevin and Ronan eyed each other as they both did more shots. Blue said something about fragile male egos and the two of them flipped her the bird, rather clumsily. They were both pretty drunk.

"Fuckin Gray man," Ronan muttered. What was that accent coming through the slur? "Someday I'll get even with him."

"You're already even with the person who matters," Blue replied. That was interesting.

"Fuckin Greenmantle deserved what he fuckin got." Neil could place the accent now.

Kevin did too. "You sound... you sound like my mom used to," he stammered. "Irish. Are you Irish?"

"Dad was Irish," Ronan grumbled.

"He gets the accent when he's drunk," Blue supplied cheerily. "It embarrasses the hell out of him." Ronan flipped her off yet again.

"My mom was Irish," Kevin said. "I haven't heard that accent since she died. She used to tell me all these old stories..." he trailed off softly. "I wish I could remember them."

"Did she tell you the legend of Finn McCool?"

"The giant?" Kevin asked hopefully. "I think so, that one sounds familiar. I remember a really sad story too. It was her favorite. Something about a girl who was supposed to marry a king but started a war?"

Ronan nodded. "Sounds like Deidre, at least if my mom told me the same stories yours did." Neil listened with half an ear as the two of them continued to swap pieces of folk tales. They had a few in common, and others they did not. Ronan seemed less sharp in those moments, less like a knife and more like a person. It didn't last long. Kevin asked Ronan something about his father, and the sharpness returned.

"That's our cue to go," Blue said as Ronan stomped to his feet.

"But I want to keep dancing!" Nicky said.

"No, she's right," Neil replied. "It's late, even for us. Let's go home." Neil helped a swaying Nicky while Andrew grabbed Kevin, and he saw Blue half dragging a protesting Ronan out to the car. Neil overheard something about pint sized freak and I could take him,  but he didn't hear Blue's reply. Whatever it was, it made Ronan laugh wickedly.

Neil deposited Nicky in the backseat with Kevin and Aaron and hopped in front next to Andrew. They watched in the mirror as Blue forcibly shoved Ronan into the backseat and held the door open for the raven to fly back in from where it was perched on the roof. Blue climbed into the car and they all drove the 15 minutes or so to the Columbia house, making sure not to lose her. Neil watched Andrew drive as the drunk ones argued in the backseat. "Staring," was all Andrew said, eyes still on the road. Neil only grinned and kept looking.

They pulled up to the house, the BMW just behind. Neil hopped out of the car and unlocked the house door as the others spilled out of their cars, Nicky and Kevin lurching from side to side. Blue was hauling Ronan by one arm with the raven perched on her head. Aaron was mostly upright; he's started drinking less after Katelyn had asked him to.

"Alright Nicky," Neil said. "Don't forget you gave up your room for Blue."

"An act of pure chivalry," Nicky said with a laugh. "To the couch!"

"Aaron, Kevin is going to sleep in the armchair in your room."

"I remember," Aaron said with a shrug. That may have been the most civil exchange they'd ever had, Neil realized after a second. Kevin stumbled inside, complaining about how armchairs always hurt his back, as if he didn't end up on the floor half the time when he was this drunk.

Then it was Blue. "You're in Nicky's room," Neil said. "Just down the hall, second door on the left. We didn't really figure anything out for Ronan, though there's an armchair in the living room. Please keep the bird outside though."

Blue only shrugged. "I'll take him with me. I'll need to keep an eye on him, anyway. Scram, girl." Chainsaw cawed defiantly but eventually flew into the darkness.

Everyone situated, Neil headed up to the room where Andrew was already climbing into bed. Neil threw on his pjs and climbed in after. "Yes or no?"

Andrew thought for a moment. "No." Neil nodded; there were strange people in the house, and it was hard for Andrew to relax even with the bedroom door locked. He probably wouldn't get much sleep tonight. Neil turned off the light and was asleep quickly.

A few hours later he woke with a start as he heard a shriek and a thump downstairs. It sounded like Blue. Neil and Andrew both sat upright in an instant, hands going for knives but coming up empty. They grabbed the knives from the bedside table and ran down the stairs. Chances were that she had simply fallen out of bed, but after the hard lives they had lived it was difficult to ignore any sound that resembled a threat.

Neil gave a loud knock and called, "Coming in!" before opening the door.

Ronan was in the bed, just barely starting to sit up. He had scratches on his face and arms. Blue was standing over a... creature, her pajamas soaked with blood. The thing resembled a bat, almost, only bigger than a person, and it had wicked claws. Neil watched as it took its last breath before Blue plunged a pink knife into its eye.

She looked up at them, hair wild, eyes untrusting. Neil almost expected the knife to come for him next, but then her face settled, as if she had made a decision she didn't like.

"Do you guys know where we can hide a body?"

[dianadragonfly]

Okay, hang on bitches, cause Imma bout ta rewatch “The Final Problem.” I’ve seen it once since 2017. And because there is no commentary on the disc I have, I will be providing the commentary.

[[MORE]] Since I started my “rewatch and comment” spree, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Things that had previously stood out in my mind as being particularly not-good are really not that bad. Most were actually really short moments that stood out in retrospect because they seemed incongruous with how well-written and acted everything else was.

Up till season 2, the writers could do no wrong whatsoever. The exact moment I experienced a “well that was overdone” moment of questioning the writers was when Sherlock broadcast a picture of Mary on the outside of the facade in “His Last Vow.” From there, I had moments of doubt and questioning plot and directing choices that took away from the narrative. But, except for the moment John sees Mary die, I never ever questioned the acting choices. The actors are so amazing. And I’m not just saying that because Ben and Martin are hot.

As I prepare to watch the episode, there are several scenes that I dread. Opening with the girl on the airplane reminds me of how much I hated this trick. If the girl is Eurus messing with them, then why do we see it acted out? If we cannot trust that what we see is a reality, then all of the “Mind Palace” theories of TFP (i.e. that it actually took place in a dream or in the head of a character) have some authenticity to them. Ugh.

Damn. I’d forgotten the “Hello. My name is Jim Moriarty” part of the intro. No need for that if the girl is just something in Eurus’s imagination.

Oh shit. I hate hate hate hate everything about this scene of Mycroft.

First of all, there is security in Mycroft’s house.

Second of all, he would have skewered any of those actors with the umbrella sword or shot one of them with the gun.

Why are the paintings crying blood? John and Sherlock couldn’t accomplish that... once we add scary clown it’s just too much. Even for Sherlock.

Oh stop with the heavy-handed East Wind references. Dammit, I loved this show for its subtly. Killer clowns are not subtle, even in pranks.

Now with Mycroft here, in the client position, refusing to sit, with the Baker Street Boys in their chairs - this is what I came for. The light, the look on their faces, the composition of the shot.

Oohh Hudson throwing some shade. John’s half smile...

Is the skull portrait glowing? I can’t tell.

“That’s why he stays!” Fuck yeah. John’s half smile again...

“Middle child. Explains a lot.” As a middle child, I resent that remark. And sort of get it.

So the flashing back and forth in time, with the ashes of Musgrave Hall in the apartment, 5 year old Eurus answering grown-up Mycroft’s questions, the pebble: all of that would be okay, if not a tiny bit less than subtle, had we not just fought a goddamn clown in the scene before.

Oh goddamn. The stupid fucking patience gernade and that song.

Of course Mrs. Hudson vacuums to Iron Maiden.

It’s Sherlock’s turn to half-smile. Cute.

Beautifully shot here with the above view and all three of them at different points on a circle around it.

Ugh. I have to turn away at the “action shot” of them jumping out the window. This is not “Die Hard.” It’s not a cop buddy movie. We just got a really well played, fun little scene where they talked a about Oscar Wilde to avoid talking about the fact that they might die. That’s what I watch Sherlock for.

There was a fan fic written around 2012 that mentions “The Importance of Being Ernest.” Coincidence? Creators reading fanfic? I know Wilde and ACD were contemporaries, but it’s interesting. I can’t think of any other literary works that are alluded to in canon. It’s funny it should be this one.

And now we’ve commandeered a boat. Seriously.

All of the other episodes, I had more patience with on this go-around where I get a chance to type out reactions and reflect on how they are put together. But I’m finding that isn’t the case with this one. I’m just pissed. Give me one or two unbelievable moments or plot twists in an episode and I can sustain it. But between the airplane, killer clowns at Mycroft’s, the patience gernade, and this, I’m already done and we’re 20 minutes in. Sherlock looks like a goddamn vampire bat. And seriously, why does Mycroft need to steal a boat? And write a message in the sand? What the hell? Why dress up?

Sherlock’s security guard act cracks me up.

Oh his face when he sees Eurus. His. Face. Curiosity. Heartbreak. Empathy. Pain. Doubt. Fear. THIS is my show. Not patience gernades, killer clowns, dressing up like a sea captain etc in one damn episode.

She “enslaves” people... magical Eurus who makes people kill their family. Really?!

Oh no. He ignores “Vatican cameos.” I forgot that. He chooses to ignore John’s warning.

His face.... Jesus Benedict can act.

Big bouncy red alert! Okay, what was with the spinning John face when he gets knocked out?

This constant shift between wondering what the hell is happening, wondering if the show has become a parody of itself, and then bouncing back to this heart wrenching narrative — is that the point of this episode? Like “The Empty Hearse” or “The Abominable Bride”? But those episodes explained themselves after they pulled the rug out. As soon as something got to the point of absurdity, it was explained. Sherlock didn’t swing in a window at Bart’s and kiss Molly but we briefly were led to believe he did. Moriarty and Sherlock aren’t really kissing on the roof. (By then we knew what was up though). Sherlock didn’t really attempt to dig up a dead Amelia Rocoletti. We understand it’s a drug-induced dream.

This rapid jumping back and forth with half-assed explainations — I’m coming to believe this off-balance feeling is the point of the episode but I don’t like it. I like it even less than I did before.

Oh Andrew Scott. I love you.

The bastards wait till 5 minutes into the Moriarty scene to tell us it’s 5 years ago. That constant pulling out the rug — I will at least excuse that because there is a plausible explaination given. But it’s a cheap trick. This episode is one cheap trick after another, with only a few moments, here and there, of characters actually interacting.

So it’s late and I don’t know if I have the heart to make it through this whole episode tonight. To be continued....

Edited:

Starting at scene 5 on the DVD because that's when Sherlock sees Eurus for the sort of first time. I kind of just want to bask in Ben's performance here again.

After the last episode, clean-shaven Sherlock in a suit is a relief. He's back... at least a little.

His small smile when he asks her how she got out. . .

I'm realizing how much of this scene had to be Benedict looking directly into the camera and talking to Eurus. That had to be intimidating.

***I've skipped ahead to closer than where I was last night because the small people in my house will want food soon. Parentig gets in the way of fangirling. ****

I still love the Hungry Donkey story.

OH MY GOD! I forgot how much I love Andrew Scott here!!!

Are they making out through the glass?

And now the four of them wake up in a cell but this one has glass. Ugh. The plane again. I love how Sherlock changes his voice here to talk to the girl. He isn't incapable of reading people and reacting to them. He just usually can't be bothered. There’s a fan theory that says Sherlock is autistic. I was going to comment that this skill of his is evidence that he’s not but I stopped myself. He -knows- HOW one needs to act to get people to respond to him, but it’s a learned skill. Which actually might add evidence to the “autism” theory more than the sociopath theory.

Mark Gatiss - I forget what an incredible actor he can be. Whoa.

These scenes - these scenes where they have to apply themselves to a task that Eurus sets for them -- they are so fucking good. Tense and well-acted. I can see every emotion on every actor's face. The rest of the episode should have been better to make it worthy of these performances. It physically hurt watching John try to shoot the governor.

Someone said that Jim Moriarty went from a criminal mastermid to manical Thomas the Train Engine on this episode and I can't unthink that any time he flashes on the screen.

I had a moment, when Eurus was using such clinical language of behavioralism ("prompts") etc that I flashed back onto my life as an ABA instructor. Seriously. I know they are a million miles away but no one watching this would ever think, even for a second, that Eurus was morally right. Why, then, do we do a smiliar thing to autistic children? I had a moment of revulsion then. (Restirct physical liberty and autonomy, make them complete a command that's nonsensical for either reward or aversive. Give prompts. Follow through (deny reward) if one deviates from the prompt). She might as well been saying "Touch table, Sherlock." ("Touch table" is one of the first directives often given in ABA. It's easy to manually prompt (force) a kid to do and helps the kid realize the link between following the requests and obtaining rewards.)

Sorry. ABA rant is slightly off topic.

To be continued in comments ..

[deannastrois]

to the end of the decade

I started this decade out…not great. And straight. I’m ending this decade maybe not perfect but accepting that I need to get better and working on it through therapy and drugs. And bi. So I’d say that’s at least something of a step up despite that I’ve had bad depressive episodes this year alone.

I also started this decade being a shadow in fandom, a lurker with nothing to say and not making friends. I’m ending it on a completely different note having actually begun creating and writing and having people on this site I’m more grateful for than anything. (and I’ll put my thanks to specific people under the cut cause I am nothing is not a weak, soft bitch at heart)

To all mutuals, thank you really for sticking around. I know I’m not the easiest to get along with and I hope to talk to some of you more at some point. I’m just so bad at it but <33333

@lembeau, I know things have been weird this year and that’s on me but at the end of the day you are always my forever girl and original otp. I don’t know how I would have gotten through some of the years without you, you’ve been my (salt)rock and best friend and everything in between. I hope things go well for you in the coming decade and know that I’ll always have your back and be immensely proud of what you’ve accomplished. I love you more than Eliza loves Goliath and in every universe the Middleman could ever give us.

@xsarahx, you were the very first person I started talking to and befriended on this site, even pre-musketeers days which is more of a throwback. We’ve come a long way from the Andrew Lee Potter days and I am always glad to talk to you about anything, including, of course, how comics have fucked up so badly these days. I’m with you till the end of the line, babe.

@sidewaystime, okay this one time I’m not gonna go with the red vs blue joke with your name I promise. Even if in my head I definitely am. Thank you for standing by all these years and I disastered my way through a career in computers, I’ll always appreciate someone knowing my absolute pain when it comes to users. Beyond that you’ve always got the best ideas for fandom aus and I love to hear them, especially if they’re old 90s fandoms. (and Canadian)

@sweetlyfez, remember back in the day when I was figuring out I was bi and it was all Constance’s fault? Well thank you for standing beside me as I figured that all out. And then laughing about it later because okay let’s be real, it is amusing in hindsight. You encouraged (and sometimes goaded) me on to writing femslash and I’ll never forget that.

@fonapola, we’ve come a long way from the musketeer-ing days. Who’d have thought our love our rare pairs would take us here but I’m glad we got there. Thank you for always letting me ramble on about those ideas and your own amazing ideas and fics and vids and everything when it came to that. You let a small thing grow large and kept the excitement going. Maybe one day we really will write our own thing together and have a shared world of sci fi and magic and someone clearly ready to be played by Howard Charles…Here’s hoping there’s more games I can drag you into it because I cannot wait.

@biportamis, oh Hannah I’d say I’m sorry for the million and one spams this year but that’s a lie and I’m not and if you’re gonna make me have musketeers feelings in 2019 then I’m gonna make you cry over Hawke. It’s equality. Jokes aside though I’m glad we always have those and holy shit you wrote a book!! Remember that?? That’s wild and I’m so proud of you for it, I can’t wait to see what you do this next decade.

@vulpyx, I am eternally grateful we got to talking and sharing fandom things, you’ve always been fun to talk to and I look forward to every pokemon game so we can make jokes about it and just be excited over it. And books! We need more good books, I hope that next Kyoshi one is gonna be good. I’m also really thankful that you’ve understood my anxiety and I wish I could help you with your own but know that I’m always here if you want to talk or need a distraction. <3

@waverly-earp, we have been through a lot of fandom madness together. Starting with AoS way back in the day and it just kept going. You’ve been a wonder through it all and an inspiration to make better gifs that look half as good as your beautiful edits. I love everything you create and wish this site wasn’t so terribly broken that it missed out on a good chunk of that stuff, but I hope you don’t stop because they always look so good. See you in the next decade with probably a dozen other fandom things to complain about (sorry not sorry)

@amandatapping, wild how quickly we bonded when it came to star trek but I’ll never regret that, the crazy things and injokes we ended up coming up with still make me laugh and you are the only person (aside from those femslash events) I’ll make ENT gifs for. Sorry I don’t love it like you do but I’m always willing to hear about how much you love it because it’s important to you and you’re important to me. #legged, baby!

@girlonthelasttrain, has it really only been two years since we started talking because it feels like we’ve been sharing memes forever. I’d say I’m sorry for spamming you with them but let’s be real, I’m not and it’s what Tidus would want. Truly a millennial icon. But really thank you so much for being around these past few years, I appreciate it every time you let me go on about my latest worries and panics and hyperfixations. I hope we get to share even more terrible memes over the next decade and I love you more than 13x7.

@alluringcliche, it’s been a while since the AoS days which really feels like it was already a decade ago but regardless I’m glad those days made us friends. Thank you for supporting me when I needed it and being there, I hope I could do the same when you needed it. I’m always down to talk about whedon shows even if joss has disappointed us terribly and this is our city now. All the best for the new year/decade and I hope to keep up more.

@dragoncharming, I was gonna call you my fandom backup but then that doesn’t feel like the right term but I also can’t think of the term to use when you’re always the person I count on to know if I’d love/hate something. You’re my guiding star for fandom, knowing where to steer me and what to steer me away from and I love you for it. I hope we get to play dnd together soon because that would be so exciting and thank you for everything.

@boydetective, oof I need to get better at texting more because I feel like I fell off the map this year and I’m sorry. I love getting to talk to you about small fandom-y things and sharing the wildness of KH and BNHA (aaaand I need to catch up again) and thank you for just rolling with it as I appear and disappear and I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to do better next decade.

@vulpixelates, thank you so much for letting me join a dnd group, it’s been a lot of fun and I am looking forward to meeting more of your characters in one shots and later on. And thanks for letting me ramble on about a million things and have Bi Panic about fifty times a year because that’s very real and I am very bad with it.

@adhd-athena, you know how next decade is starting with the KH DLC and it’s like…finally…some answers…. Well I bet we spend the next decade with just more questions and by the end of it we’ll finally have KH4. And even more questions. Regardless I’m looking forward to speculating all about that and DSC and other things with you, sorry for all the spams about those in advance I’m sure. Thank you for always listening <3

@malarkiness, I’m tempted to stick a picture of troi in here because that’s usually what I send to you and I have no regrets. Okay that’s a lie, I send you other things and I’m grateful I can always send you the most random things or rambling things and you just roll with it and amazingly haven’t blocked me yet. I hope we get to talk more about KH and FF and holy shit the remake is so close but it’s only like ¼ of it and Nomura what are you doing. (no one knows, not even him) All my love for you and the next decade of SquareEnix confusion.

@twilightacespect, it’s funny to think that I didn’t know you on this site until only about three years ago because it feels like we’ve always had this friendship. And by this friendship I mean you sending me cowboy things and me being haunted by them. Thanks beks. Okay okay, I love you a lot despite the cowboys. We’ve shared a lot of stuff and you’ve let me go on about a lot of fandom things and I’m sorry for the million and one spams over it when I hyperfixate on something we share. Except I’m not and suffer with me.

@organasoloskywalker, this year has been hard and I’ve said it a dozen times before but I wish I could be there with you. I’m always here for you though and I love you so much. Thanks for always being around to watch things with me and dragging into PGSM hell (“it’s a musical, you like those!” LIES LEXI, IT WAS PAIN) and a dozen other things. I hope we get to see each other sometime in the future and do a TAZ show or something but I’ll always be the voice on the other end of the line texting you pictures of my cat and loving Wedge Antilles. (and you) Also you know see you tonight for Fantasy High watching. <3

[wildpawed]

LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE

NAME: Sebastian Andrew Matthews EYE COLOUR: Dark brown ( can have a super lowkey golden aspect in certain lights ) HAIR STYLE / COLOUR: Dark brown, kinda curly and often left a mess to do its own thing because he really doesn’t care about being aesthetically pleasing HEIGHT: 6′2″ CLOTHING STYLE: He’s not the type to really care about clothes aesthetically, but he’s big on practicality. He has so few clothes I could probably give it is own headcanon but his standard outfit is a white tank top, a buttoned flannel and jeans ( often covered in grease and oil from mechanic work ) with steel capped boots. If its not that, he’s wearing super loose trackpants, a hoodie with whatever large band shirt and a pair of converse lace ups. BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE: His eyes. Bird or not, he’s trained them to be able to pick up the most minor details when given the chance to really observe an object or person.

LAYER TWO : THE INSIDE

FEARS: Being killed / eaten by the competition in the wilds ( which is super valid considering how he lives ), being forgotten about and not making an impact on the world around him in relation to his studies, which have basically become his life’s work. GUILTY PLEASURE: He doesn’t believe in guilty pleasures, but he gets really into hunting. He never kills for sport because he understands that all creatures, whether they be predator or pray, play their parts in the ecosystem and with human interference already posing many threats, he doesn’t want to mess around with anything else. BIGGEST PET PEEVE: Being ignored, being interrupted and spoken on top of and people speaking on behalf of him. His whole life pre-curse was basically all of the above and he really can’t handle that and will get a little yelly if it means that people will actually listen to what he has to say. AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE: To expand his knowledges on working on making that bridge between science and magic more clear, to be a good dad to his little ones despite the curse making all of the above increasingly difficult.

LAYER THREE : THOUGHTS

FIRST THOUGHTS UPON WAKING UP: To hunt. His day starts an hour or so before sunrise and his brain is mostly animal fronted, but after pushing past that thought his brain goes to his wife and kids and he helps out with them before going off to do the Bird Things. WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT THE MOST: If it’s not his wife and kids and he’s not a bird, brain completely defaults to the sciences. He likes to be super stimulated and his thoughts often inspire experiments and hypothesis that he’ll eventually test out and I love that for him. WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE BED: Bed thoughts are family time. He thinks about how lucky he is to have B and that she loves him despite how weird and awkward his life can be and he thinks about how he loves the little ones and while he’s just laying in bed with his wife is the most pure thing and its that real happiness for him. BEST QUALITY: His mind! Birdness aside, he has a perspective super different to everyone else and more often than not can help in situations by thinking of things that others probably wouldn’t.

LAYER FOUR : WHAT’S BETTER ?

SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Single. Having time with B is honestly one of the most important things to him in the entire world and he Does Not Handle people infringing on that at all. TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED: Both, he’d like to be loved as an individual by those he cares about and he would love to be respected as a scientist for the discoveries he’s made. DOGS OR CATS: Cats are a bigger threat to him ( can climb trees and generally be in high places like he can ) and dogs are noisy and require too much attention. When he was a teenager his family used two have three pets ( two dogs, one cat ) and he loved them, but now he’d rather much neither.

LAYER FIVE : DO YOU…

LIE: He’s often way too blunt to bother lying and beating around the bush and really would rather not, as he knows exactly how it feels to be lied to... but literally if its anything but keeping the supernatural as under wraps as possible, he really doesn’t lie and it would take one hell of a situation for him to even consider it. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: Absolutely. He’s survived this long in the wilds without anything but himself and he knows for a fact that not many people could. BELIEVE IN LOVE: As someone who got very little love from his father as a child, its a weird question... but after a lot of WANT SOMEONE: He has someone and she is his everything!

LAYER SIX : EVER BEEN …

BEEN ON STAGE: Not in the context of performing, but he used to have to be in front of people a lot when doing church things for his father. DONE DRUGS: Yep, but nothing too hardcore and alcohol ended up being his default for grieving when all that ish went down. CHANGED WHO YOU WERE TO FIT IN: Nope. Even if he wanted to, Vincent wouldn’t have let him, as that man is obsessed with image and he had expectations of his only son.

LAYER SEVEN : FAVOURITES

FAVOURITE COLOUR: He is big on earthy colours for his own clothing, but ( not to get all tumblr 2012 on you ) he loves the colour of the sky, especially on a nice warm day when flying is easiest. FAVOURITE ANIMAL: That’s kind of a weird question because what context are we talking? Like, honestly his brain leans towards what his favourite animal is to eat and if he were to answer that, he really likes squirrels ( eating them and also the challenge of the hunt ). FAVOURITE BOOK: He loves all science books honestly and is pretty much always found with one open with heaps of notes and little dogtails on important pages and stuff like that. FAVOURITE GAME: He’s not really a game person, but he loves sudoku, word finds, crosswords... and because he can’t enjoy things casually, he often times himself while doing them.

LAYER EIGHT : AGE

BIRTHDAY: 2 February AGE: 29 AGE YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY: 24 DOES AGE MATTER: Yes. He doesn’t have a reason for this one. Its just a preference for there not to be a big age gap.

LAYER NINE : PREFERENCES IN ANOTHER PERSON

BEST PERSONALITY: Kind, compassionate, open minded, honest BEST EYE COLOUR: He really doesn’t care for aesthetic things, but he loves Blaez’s brown eyes and the way the sunlight hits them and how wide and bright they are when she’s smiling BEST HAIR COLOUR: Again, not an aesthetically based person at all but he loves B’s black hair and the red streaks that are so iconically hers and how they frame her face, bringing attention to her beautifulness. BEST THING TO DO WITH A PARTNER: Nature walks ( both with he and B in human form or with him flying above and her running beneath him as a wolf ), learning about things B likes ( as she tries so hard to understand what makes him happy even though her brain struggles to dance with a lot of that stuff ), simple intimacies of little touches while watching watching something on TV or just being in each other’s presence.                did he use this just to stan his wife endlessly? absolutely.

LAYER TEN : SENTIMENTS

HE LOVES: Nature, flying, his wife, his kids, sciences. HE FEELS: Apathetic to a lot of things, but cares really deeply about a lot of things, one needs needs to have the patiences of all the saints to try and get through his many, many Great Wall of Chinas to get through to him. HE HIDES: How much he cares about a lot of people around him, but his whole thing is self-sabotaging at this point, if we’re being really honest here. HE MISSES: His mother! Like, in general he misses her, but he misses her so much more because of the circumstances behind her death and all the trauma that’s related to losing her and... that’s a lot that he really hasn’t even completely processed and dealt with yet. HE WISHES: He kind of wishes he wasn’t cursed ( because it completely prevents him from having a mundane life ), but at the same time he absolutely refuses to go back to who he used to be because he sees his old self as something weak and completely unequipped to survive in the cruel ass world.

tagged by: stolen from @vorcotec tagging: @brothersgrim ( literally either bc this is A Lot and took me literally a few days bc i have the attention span of a toddler who’s had too much sugar ily ), @teardownheaven, @ofgrief, @asteriixa, @strxngernow, @crackedmxgic​ and literally anyone else who wants to !

[charles195]

April 28th, 2017

Approximate date of when I lost my virginity. I was a senior in high school. I felt so consumed, like the Edible Woman. My mom yelled at me and said she wouldn’t pay for my college. Why the fuck did she say that? She didn’t even mean it and it was the start of the multiple panic attacks I had every day.

I asked for help. My therapist told me it was good I didn’t actually want to commit. I had a loose plan. I went to the doctor for antidepressants. Mistake. I said I had thoughts. Why would I ever think it was okay to tell someone my thoughts? I was locked away. It was “voluntary” until I wanted to leave and they put a 72 hour hold on me.

We had to do group therapy sessions and recreational activities for “points”. Of course I thought it was stupid. One of them was the thing where you put little colored hexagonal beads together to make a picture. “It’s a metaphor for taking small steps and creating something big and meaningful!” You wanna talk about metaphors? Let’s talk about this stupid mandatory activity is a metaphor for the system assigning arbitrary value to stupid shit to measure our compliance. Fuck it. I just made a dick. I love the ugly little distinct shape of a dick. I loved how inherently offensive it was.

I just wanted to draw or some shit. I had a headache. They wouldn’t give me painkillers. I was stuck in a mental hospital and they couldn’t give me painkillers, but they were okay with putting me on Zoloft and me asking for sleeping pills. They seemed to put everyone on Zoloft.

They actually did listen that time and gave us all pencils and paper to draw. How hard was that? Of course the other patients loved drawing. We couldn’t draw for shit of course.

I actually loved the Zoloft. The first time I took it, I was sitting on the floor outside of a door while we were waiting for some other activity and totally euphoric. Everything felt so good. Why did I have to be locked up just for some pills? My other friend mentioned afterwards that she was able to get medication for her bipolar disorder without getting locked up. It was definitely just because I had thoughts. Don’t trust dumbasses with your thoughts.

Masturbation got me through those three days. My first roommate asked me if I was okay when she noticed I was in the bathroom for a while. We were the same age, 17, and the oldest ones. She seemed so innocent. Her eyeliner was bad but I appreciated the effort she put in. We were all dressed in pajamas with the drawstrings taken out and uglyass blue socks with rubber anti-slip spots on the soles. I hate socks. I just want my feet to be free, man.

I fingered myself as much as I could when we had time to ourselves in our rooms. On the third day I couldn’t orgasm anymore. That’s when I hated Zoloft.

My first roommate was a stressed out top 10 student just like me. She was taking a shitton of IB classes. She applied for Cal Poly Pomona because she messed up on the UC application. She got in there. This year she announced she was transferring to UCLA. I loved her, she was so nice and kind hearted and she was the only one who I felt actually understood me. She was on Zoloft, too, and something else. She told me that Johnny Depp stayed in the same ward as us, too, back when it was a drug rehab center. Later I found a note int notebook from her written in secret code. We weren’t allowed to tell our names and addresses to each other in case one of us was too whack and was a murderer and liability issues. She left me her social media accounts in code. I still have her on Snapchat.

I was sad when she left but kinda excited to have the room to myself. Except we never exactly had privacy. A nurse would walk up and down the hallway periodically at night for checks. It was annoying as hell with their flashlight. I didn’t have the room to myself. My second roommate came during my huge mental breakdown.

She was a lot younger than me, but mature for her age. In a bad way. She was like 14 and said she had sex with her boyfriend. Like damn. Okay. She said she could see dead people but I wasn’t sure if she meant it or if she was just referencing The Sixth Sense. She told me she was taken forcefully and arrested by a police officer. She was a tiny 14 year old blonde girl and she was taken with force. What the hell.

She told me I wouldn’t get out if I was crying like that. She’s been in the mental hospital multiple times. She told me I had to fake progress. I told her she’s right. My first roommate mentioned the same thing.

One morning we sat together on the little seat thing at the window, and just stared out at the sky together. We weren’t allowed to go outside. Their excuse was that it was a temporary facility. That was why everything was so shitty.

When we were allowed to the actual hospital cafeteria “as a treat” instead of eating powdered eggs and other shit in the day room, she swore one of the boys from the other table was flirting with her. I couldn’t tell my eyesight wasn’t good enough. And didn’t she already have a boyfriend? What the hell?

We had “school”. We were watching a hockey movie while some lady paused occasionally and explained the significance of some scenes. Boring as hell. I don’t give a shit about sports. I had real school to return to, which I wouldn’t be able to return to for an entire month. I had AP exams to study for but I missed the AP government exam during those three days. I didn’t make it up. Studying was impossible with just textbooks. I needed my teachers to tell me what the hell the class was actually about. The month before the AP exam was the most important month in the entire school year. My learning was fucked but because I was a senior with panic attacks every single day, I was able given a passing grade. Reparation for the anxiety and depression that high school gave me. I had already been accepted into UCI.

On the third day I asked for the sleeping pills and knocked the fuck out. That was the start of my sleeping pill addiction. You can’t have panic attacks if you’re knocked the fuck out.

I was in the middle of fingering myself when I was told I could finally leave.

Some time later I finally stopped taking sleeping pills. Zzzquil was my shit. I had built up too much immunity. I was taking four at a time when two was supposed to be the max dosage.

As soon I turned 18, I had sex every day. Thanks Tinder. I couldn’t actually orgasm because of the Zoloft. But it just felt good to be penetrated really deep.

Timeline is bad, sorry. After I got out of the LLBMC, I fucked Andrew Mane. Actually that wasn’t his real name and I didn’t even realize that until much later when I looked in the yearbook. Oh my god I loved his big dick. I couldn’t cum so I faked it. It felt good. I thought I loved him. Silly me, I just loved dick. We only got to fuck a couple more time before he moved. What a guy. He was pretty whacky.

On the second day of LLBMC, I asked for my friend to visit. I chose him specifically because we marched together. We hummed the corps song together. It gave me hope. We were the last ones in the visitation room before hours ended and he had to go. He said he didn’t judge me. I believed him. I wasn’t a good friend to him. I regret that.

And then later I got into some sugar daddy stuff.