#and nothings changed bc i just deluded myself into thinking it did

[nonranghaes]

heads up: reader struggling w friendships (feeling uninvolved + unheard)

felix hears the way you sigh as you come back into the room, and doesn't move quite yet. he knows you well enough. he listens as your footsteps draw nearer, and you pass in front of him as quickly as you can before throwing yourself onto the opposite end of the couch. it's enough to make him raise a brow--usually you'll sit next to him because you like being close to him--but he can't take his eyes off the tv screen quite yet.

"everything okay?" he says as he pulls one side of his headset back, and then he already hears changbin and jisung responding. "not--not you guys. hold on, i'll still be here--" he mutes his mic, and looks over to you. "babe?"

you curl in on yourself, frowning. "not really."

"you wanna talk about it?"

"you're busy--"

he shoves his headset down so it hangs around his neck. "i can multitask. once we're done with this, i'll stop, alright?"

you pout and he sees it from the corner of his eye. "i don't want to bother you."

"you aren't," he promises. "i'm listening."

"it's just... more of the same-old." you shift so you're a little closer to him. "feeling like some of my friends are closer with each other so i'm just kind of playing fifth wheel, platonically. other friends not listening to me when i speak meanwhile i feel like i file every little fact away..."

he's heard it before. he looks up, and he sees how upset you are, and he debates for a moment. he's going to play again with changbin and jisung this weekend... surely they can carry on without him? he pulls up his headset, unmutes, and says he's gotta go. all it takes is him mentioning your name for them to stop teasing him: felix wouldn't be ditching them if it weren't somewhat serious. he logs back out, and turns over, moving in to wrap his arms around you.

"hey." he smiles. "i love you. you wanna go out?" he says. "we can get dinner. talk more. maybe walk by the river?"

he knows you well: getting out helps. and walking by the river always helps you open up more. you peck his lips as you get up to find your shoes.

at least felix has your back when you need it the most.

[popstart]

Dropping a Heathney ask for the ship bingo bc I’m clinically insane

THEY MAKE ME INSANE OKAY. they are sooo rivals to lovers. Theyre both so good at the game that the other person drives them insane with how she can one-up her. They can one-up eachother SO BAD. The constant need to do better than the other person to both get what they deserve (Courtney for being unfairly kicked off, Heather for her elimination which she no doubt sees as unfair) the mutual hatred for the show, chris, and everyone there in general. World tour is THEIR SEASON OKAY. but only the really spesific version that exists in my brain.

Every time i watch world tour i get all 😮that these girls actually fucking hate eachother. Why did they not team up im not over it. Theyre canon to me in the way that ive deluded myself into thinking they have this really gay rivalry going on when their canon rivalry is the straightest shit ever . ok😭😭

They think theyre the only normal people on that show. You know. Everyone else here is inssne thank god im normal. Shut up ill reuse my jokes all i want. They definitely think the other person is crazy but in a way that bennefits them so they can appreciate eachother for that. Then that mutual appreciation grows and grows into smth more.

They could have suuuch a mutual respect for eachother. Like, canonically it was just to make her look better, but heather pointing out how courtney was wronged and how she feels her pain. Heather comforting courtney after getting cheated on... insane. INSANE..OKAY. WHY DID THEY DO NOTHING WITH THAT.

"Heather is a formidable competitor, but i can't say I approve of her tactics" she wants to fix her sooooooo bad. Courtney could be corrupted by her so hard too. Like a pep talk of how much she doesnt deserve to be wronged, causing her to throw caution out the wind and use any tactics possible to win. Basically just becoming far less filtered in the ways she wants to win

I think their relationship mostly works with a foundation of something they can work together towards but also see very differently about. They both crave leadership and cant stand giving it to someone else. If they could work together at something they would be unstoppable. Courtneys ability to organize and plan, heathers ambition to get it done. But their mutual Need for control is their downfall. BASICALLY. Its so tragically doomed and delicious.

I dont realisitically see their relationship being longterm unless something changes between them tbqh. Like sure heather is mostly only mean because of the competition and courtney's emotions are thoroughly exacerbated because of the competition but they would just butt heads a LOT. Theyre doomed and toxic yuri but theyre MY doomed and toxic yuri.

[sexydreamgirl]

How do you deal with doubts about the law? I've manifested stuff before which definitely could not be a coincidence so that should be enough for me to believe, but I haven't had a truly "unbelievable" success story yet like reversing grades or changing appearance so sometimes I just feel really unconvinced. Like I can't make the logical part of my brain shut up and I'm always thinking "ok but is this true? Is this supported by science?" And then whenever blogs say not to mix manifesting with science it gives me a very uneasy feeling bc yes I can see why they say that, but at the same time I've been conditioned to believe that if it's not supported by science it's false which makes it hard to fully let go of the old story and believe in the law and get everything I want bc there's always this voice in the back of my head warning me that this could all be fake ... Sometimes I have a few good days of believing but then it's like I snap out of a haze or something and I'm like "wtf was I thinking? Obviously it's not real obviously you can't actually change your appearance" and then I immerse myself in content/success stories to make my believe and feel motivated again but then the cycle repeats. The whole "science" part also worries me in another way which is that everyone else who doesn't know about the law always makes fun of people who disregard science and continue propagating ridiculous, false beliefs like anti-vaxxers and flat earthers and then I get worried and insecure that I am in that group of people and that I'm just deluding myself.

Like, obviously with all the success stories in all the Tumblr blogs, Neville's books, on tiktok amino Reddit etc it's impossible each one was fake or a coincidence and there's photo/video evidence and a lot of these people would gain nothing by lying about a success, but. The doubts are still in my mind. The thought that I actually am god and can control my reality and do literally anything and get every single thing I want with minimal effort is so incredible that sometimes it seems completely wrong and I wonder if I'm just fooling myself and setting myself up for future disappointment. Whenever someone says something about getting a reality check or not being delusional I feel attacked and wonder if I'm deluding myself too. I know the obvious answer for all this is to work on my sc but if you can I'd really like some idk reassurance for my doubts? Like some confirmation that it is real and I'm not delusional and how to get over the whole science thing. Because I am lost lmao

My love, I was once also in the exact same position you were in. I actually wrote this post for you and others who felt the same way I did. As you immerse yourself more and more with the law of assumption and you familiarize yourself with the law as well as work on your self concept, your doubts will vanish. I've said this before and I'll say it again, having just a little bit of faith in the law is what kept me going. That's all you need for now. The fact that you're upset about doubting so much indicates to me that you DO care about the law and you DO want to learn more about it, hold on to that and don't stop. If you need more help you're always welcome to reach out again. Don't give into the doubt, my love. You can do this.

[my-autistic-things]

/// end of the semester post again + long rant oops

I have an undefined extension for my paper but I self imposed a deadline for Monday night/Tuesday morning. I did this with the realistic thought of working on it Sunday night for a few hours (thinking I would be 90% done), and then working on it for a few hours Monday night (then being fully done). Wellllll I didn't work on it yesterday so now I gotta do everything in one night. I got to sleep at least all day, but I'm like,,,, so overwhelmed. I genuine could not work on my paper last night/this morning bc I was so anxious and depressed and tired and every time I mustered up the ability to just re reread my draft the babies needed food. I think I could finish it all tonight, but I'm going hiking/hanging out with a friend tomorrow morning so regardless of whatever happens, I won't get to sleep more than an hour or two. And the faucet still isn't fixed. I tried last night and the whole sink may need to be removed bc there's so much rust I can't tell if the raucet fused to the sink or the sink fused to the faucet. Anyways, me and my mom are fighting again bc she was discouraging me from doing anything last night in case it turned into a huge project (and ofc it did) and I couldn't handle it in one night and we would have to call a professional. Changing a faucet is pretty damn easy,, when there isn't like an INCH of rust surrounding the base. Well, i can change the sink myself (that part doesn't have any rust), but we just need to buy one and ofc our house has a giant single sink that may have been custom made so we would need to call a professional to resize our sink hole to fit in a new sink. But she needed to call to find out who sells our sized sink (if they do) so we know if we can just go buy a new sink I can change it, or we buy a new sink then call a professional. So she didn't do that. And that's understandable and everything bc she's busy, but the point is, I said I needed to at least attempt this faucet change last night bc when else would it get done???? (hint: it will not be done until at least Wednesday, realistically at the earliest Frday, probably this weekend). Plus in attempting it, I got to see it's impossible to change and we can reasses what needs to be done. She said we would just handle it tomorrow when its not the middle of the night, which in a deluded idealized world would be perfect, but she works until 3:30 and nothing would get done until 4, and then we have no time to really do anything huge before 5:30/6 when we waln the dog,, then put the chickens to bed,, then need to feed the kittens again, and now its dark out just like yesterday and wow nothing got done. This happens every project and I'm sick of her saying "tomorrow" and MONTHS of not YEARS go by and nothing gets done. I have to do it myself while I have time and energy otherwise it genuinely will never be done. My plan is to measure, buy a new sink and keep it in the box, call a handyman/plumber, then make sure the old faucet can't come out and then they just replace the whole thing. Even tho I can probably figure out how to do it myself (the sink easily unscrews), it would be difficult and I'd rather sleep lmao.

I'm also slaty bc the neighbor was over when we argued a bit last night, and they both "deal with teenagers" (but her son is....really bad and not comparable to me at all) so every time I voice anything or call my mom out or anything she rolls her eyes and the neighbor agrees and thinks I'm irrational. Like, the neighbor only ever hears testimony from my moms side so of course she will think I'm an ungrateful insensitive child who needs to chill bc she doesn't see how my mom doesn't follow through on anything she says will happen, and it's a cycle of this until I blow up and do everything myself for years. I'm 20, almost officially a grad student, I know I'm young but I am certainly in no capacity a child anymore. Especially if you consider the responsibilities and real world adult roles I've taken on since I was 15. Even if I was a child, moms arent god and 99% of the time they are at fault for something in the situation.

This week I got my 2 finals too, so hopefully after this paper is done TONIGHT, I can hang out with my friend, sleep, do my first exam, then go to work Wednesday, then work and take my second exam on Thursday, and then work and do the faucet fiasco Friday. Until then, I will still not be eating much bc its such a big issue to wash stuff in the bathroom sink. But I'm surviving -- I'm eating enough calories, it's mainly just in potato chips and popcorn and cashews.

[bbnibini]

PSISLY: An Obey Me!CYOA – forty-eight🔖

tw: this is really angsty and talks about toxic relationships, as well as very very negative thoughts. If that isn’t your thing, please skip this ending route and just read the epilogue/good ending

You felt relief--as if someone pulled you out of the darkness looming in your thoughts---that perhaps you were not as evil as you thought you were, not as vile or toxic or delusional. That you were simply in love with another person, and it just happened to not be Mammon. That you were not idealising him, but your feelings had been for another all along. Perhaps there was a way to fix this, that you could save him,which was ridiculous because you were the one who pushed him into hating himself because of your misguided feelings in the first place.

You are a horrible person.

At least your thoughts said so. Mammon was asleep in your arms, his face dried with his own tears but you can only think of the person who sent you the letter. It was deplorable, you know. Try as you will, you couldn't deny your heart's pitter patters at the thought that your secret admirer was out there somewhere, hidden to you in plain sight, and you felt for him the same. You looked at Mammon again and tried to will yourself to feel any feelings for him, but your own heart couldn't seem to give you an answer. Maybe you really didn't love him at all. You cared about him, at least enough to confront him about your relationship, but re-evaluating that, and hearing about how he kept such a huge secret from you only earned him your understanding, but not your affection.

Perhaps this was why he kept it from you in the first place.

Encouraging him to speak to you the truth earned you guilt feelings, and it only seemed to cling to you at his every word.

"Little D No.2 told me a classmate found something in their locker that belonged to me. It looked like my handwriting and it was addressed to you." he was stuttering at every word as you tried to stop his tears, but they only continued to fall. "I didn't know how to process it. We were so happy, but…it always felt like I was a fraud, y'know? You tell me I'm all these wonderful things, but I can't seem to see it. Now it's finally making sense."

"Mammon."

"Did you at least love me, even a little bit, as me? Or was it always him ?"

How could you ever answer that? Everything was so new to you, it was all confusing. Your mind continued scrambling over your feelings for both of them but it only seemed to fluctuate, from feelings of pity for the one who had lost you, to hopeless pining for the one you couldn't ever have.

You tried to convince yourself that it's all wrong, that perhaps you're only deluding yourself, for it's impossible to fall in love with a person you don't even know. You thought about Mammon again, and it only stung your eyes.

What the hell do you call our relationship then? he asked you in your vivid imagination, carrying the cursed facade he urged himself to become. You loved Mammon then, with all his undiscovered layers, his multifaceted sides, although not his, was endearing to you. Then, that Mammon changed back to the one everyone knew and loved, with his trademark sunglasses and devilish smirk, handing out to you his own letter. His own feelings you've never had a chance to read for yourself.

You wondered if you'd still fall in love with him if you read his actual letter.

Wait.

Still?

You gently laid Mammon down on your lap as you reached out for the letter on your drawer. It was well-kept, its scent now faint from rereading one too many times. The carnations on its corners were now a light pink, a part wrinkled and deformed from the tears that fell down your eyes when you chose to read it one particularly bad day, as it was your only solace at that time. Swallowing, you bit your lips and opened the envelope, greeted by your mysterious admirer's elegant handwriting. You read its passages again to affirm that silly slip of your mind, a hope that perhaps you're mistaken, that maybe you can still love the demon who didn't want you to leave him, but ah. Your heart was a mess again as you read the letter's passages. His heartfelt words. His love. A weird clumsiness there that spoke of propriety but gave something else away.

You thought you would discover something new, something that would make you feel human again in your rereading, but oh what a joke.

Whoever you are, Mr. Secret Admirer, please come out. You hoped for him to save you from being sunk into your ocean of denials, your growing feelings for him, an unknown that you wanted so much to be another person. To be Mammon. Why couldn't it be Mammon? He would understand, wouldn't he? He didn't seem to want any reciprocation on your part when he wrote it to you, but the thought of never knowing him ached your heart. Aren't you arrogant enough to decide who you should love? Now that Mammon was hurt by you, are you moving to your next target? Are you that much of a self-absorbed bitch?

.

.

.

.

.

You felt tears stinging your eyes as more self-deprecating thoughts filled your head. It pointed fingers at you and laughed at you, calling you many names you thought you had already forgotten--a distant memory of your past that still carried its remnants in the scars of your heart.

This is why he killed you.

They only see Lilith in you.

You hurt the only person who loved you. Aren't you spoiled?

No!no!no!No!no!no!No!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!no!

How many apologies have you made your entire life, sorrys spoken despite not knowing what you have done? How true were the cruel words spouted at you when they thought they couldn't be heard? How deep were the wounds that festered and left ugly scars? How trivialising did you turn every sleepless night in daily conversations out of fear that no one will ever care?

How deserving are you of love that you would deny it to someone who truly loved you? For what? Feelings for an unknown you weren't even sure of? Was it even worth the risk? Perhaps it was a prank? Perhaps the author of your beloved letter would come out of hiding one day and take his words back, what would you do then? And for what reason would the hurt you caused Mammon then if your unrealised feelings amounted to nothing?

Why couldn't you just love him?

Your eyes hurt with how much you were rubbing it dry. Washing your face did little to hide its puffiness. You were tired of crying and feeling sorry for yourself, especially when you deserved it.

You wanted to make things better. Even if everything hurt, even if it was presumptuous of you to do so. Even if your heart screamed for you to follow it, to abandon all logic and find him. You wanted to tell him how much his words saved you, how much you think about him every day, how you wondered why you never noticed him and how you felt bad about that, how much you wanted to get to know him. How wonderful he was. How much he made you laugh with his clumsy awkwardness. How prettily he weaved his words. How happy you were to be loved by him, and…perhaps, how much you might love him back.

But you couldn't do that. You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to meet him. You don't deserve a choice, especially if the one you thought you loved was hurting because of you.

You would rather see Mammon happy than follow your heart. You cared for him enough to let “him” go.

You

sorry if i made a new group chat for this but, i don't want mammon to see this. im really sorry for worrying you all. youre right, something IS wrong between us, and i want to stop hurting him.

You

especially you, satan. thanks for the wakeup call. i will take care of things from here.

You

the student council needs someone to stay overnight in the classrooms, right? can i please do it?

You

mammon and i need some space. he's clinging to someone who's hurting him, and that someone is me. i want to re-evaluate my feelings for him. he deserves that at least and i need all of your help.

You

this is probably a really selfish request, but please look after him. ugh this sounds really cheesy but he needs that right now. bcs of me, he wants to be another person he's not which is ridiculous now that im rethinking it. wow i can't believe the shit ive been spouting for the past few weeks. im sorry for being an ass. i don't deserve all of your forgiveness. hecc you don't have to grant that to me.

You

i just want him to be happy again.

You were afraid of checking the replies. It said the six of them already read your message and that most of them were typing a response right now but you didn't want to see it. Not right now. Any affirmation that you're a horrible person is something you couldn't handle just yet.

.

.

.

.

But that method is for cowards. If you hurt Mammon with the truth, then it's your turn to face it as well. The truth everyone else could see but you couldn't. The lies protecting you and sparing your feelings--it needs to end.

Satan was the first to type out a response. Contrary to your really low expectations, he treated you the same way he always did.

Mammon was still asleep in your room once you came back. He looked peaceful now, snoring softly as he cuddled your blanket and muttered something incomprehensible to himself. You sat at the unoccupied side of your bed and parted the hair that blocked his eyes.

"I'm sorry for everything, Mammon. My feelings are a mess right now and I will only hurt you if we stay like this." you sighed. What's the use of telling this to someone asleep? He couldn't even hear you.

"I think…I love him, whoever he is. I don't know. Maybe I'm deluding myself." you pulled your hand away. "I'll get my shit together and reject you properly. You deserve to be happy, Mammon. And I'm sorry I couldn't give you that.

.

.

.

Thank you for loving me."

💌💌💌

"I'm amazed you went out of your room when there's an event for Faith's Restoration Order right now."

"...you have a talent for teasing, has anyone ever told you that?" Levi blushed brightly beside you as he placed the plastic bag at a nearby armchair. "If you already know why I'm here, can't you at least shut up and leave me alone?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

He rolled his eyes and made a gesture of leaving the room.

"Have fun hanging out with ghosts, normie! I'm leaving."

"I'm joking! I'm joking!" you pulled him back to the empty classroom so you can sit with each other while you had your microwave dinners.

Everyone (sans Mammon and Lucifer) offered to go with you to RAD to carry your stuff while you're setting up "camp" (if you can call class A's classroom as the outdoors, that is). Lucifer wanted to go as well, (something about telling you the school regulations, and placing an anti-ghost barrier since RAD ghosts were notoriously NOISY) but his "just a cold" was apparently a 40 C fever so he was forced to stay bedridden. Satan immediately volunteered to fill in his shoes for obvious reasons, while the others were in their oddly competitive phase again that you couldn't understand. Demons, seemed to be the only logical reason and it made sense so you decided not to question it anymore (especially if they determined their birth order by power level like some generic shounen manga. Pfft. Demons. ).

Class A's classroom was filled with the scent of brimstone in the air (because of Satan's numerous spell castings) making it not a very ideal place to eat dinner, so you ate with Levi in Class B's instead. Beel wanted to stick around too, until he was enticed by Satan's promise of extra portions so Levi was the last one to leave. With how much you've known your dorky best friend however, you figured he had something to say to you and the others read the room and left the both of you alone. Judging by how much he was fidgeting in his seat, your assumptions appeared to be correct.

"Hey, uh…I heard from Satan. Are you…okay?"

Oh .

"...honestly?" you couldn't help but laugh. "This is probably the worst day ever-- err. Second worst day. Nothing can top being killed by Belphie. That was wild."

"Hey--"

"Joking, joking! Jeez. You look really serious. I'm fine, Levi."

Without a word, a paper bag landed on your lap. Levi, who was still looking down, muttered something that you needed to ask him to repeat the third time(his voice was too soft!).

"I'm returning this."

?

"Ruri-chan!" you looked at the figure box in awe. "But…I already gave this to you."

Levi shook his head. "I can't accept it." Seeing your confusion, he explained. "I was the one who told you it's Mammon who sent the letter even if I didn't even confirm if he really wrote it. After all that weird Gentlenormie shtick Mammon got cursed into, isn't it unfair? You can hate me if you want. Here, have my cheek! Then maybe my other one too! Slap it really hard and--"

He was babbling! Oh bless his heart.

How could you forget how these demons cared for you? Those looming dark thoughts in your mind were slowly disappearing, not in its entirety, but enough for you to forgive yourself a little. Your arms caged the otaku third born, muttering words of gratitude as tears threatened to fall yet again from your eyes. Oh, why are you such a crying mess today?

"You can keep it. It's not your fault, Levi. But thank you for telling me."

It took numerous JoJo references for him to be persuaded, but he finally accepted. "No one is blaming you or angry at you, just so you know. It's Mammon's fault too for not being honest. Satan's right. So…uhh…" he stuttered his next words, sounding muffled as he buried his face on your shoulder. "...it's ironic coming from me but…love yourself a little, okay? We're worried about both of you." From how your shoulder felt warm right now, he must be embarrassed. You felt touched that your usually non-vocal friend was sharing his true feelings for once without any ounce of self-deprecation. You can feel how much he cared for you, and with just that, you already felt that you weren't so bad of a person after all.

Talking with Levi reminded you how there are many forms of love, and it didn't matter what kind you felt for Mammon, what mattered was that you loved him. Was this the truth you've been blind to all along? Was this what Satan had been wanting to tell you?

"I love you, Levi."

"Wha--" he sputtered. "Wh-where did that come from? Hey, this isn't funny, you know?!"

Not hearing his protests, and only overwhelmed by your epiphany, you tightened the hug and spoke again.

"You're the bestest friend anyone could ever ask for. I love you, and I love everyone in Lamentation too!"

You felt him tremble at your words, his arms shyly hugging you back as he muttered. "Even Mammon?"

Yes, you were certain now. This was the answer you're seeking for. With newfound confidence, you answered him back. "Especially Mammon."

Silence. A very long embrace--something he was trying to get used to, especially for a love-starved you. "I'm going to break up with him."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…"you ruffled his head. "It's for the best, isn't it?"

Levi didn't answer immediately, and once he did, he sounded unsure. "Do you love Mammon?"

"Yeah, but not in the way he wants me to." you replied immediately. Now that you had a clearer picture of your feelings for Mammon, the answer came naturally to you. "I can't be unfair to him. He's…out there, you know? I want to find him."

"Find? The letter sender?"

"I love him," you reasoned. "I feel so horrible for being so happy that he actually exists! That I was not idealising Mammon, that…he's real. I'm not imagining him, and he loves me. His words saved me." you hugged him tighter. "Oh, Levi. It feels like I've known him forever!"

"..."

"Levi?"

When you attempted to pull away from him, he didn't let go. Instead, he stuttered out a clumsy reply. "What if he's not what you think he is? What if you'll be disappointed again? What if you will get hurt? You should really reconsider-"

"I have a feeling I won't." you expected this reaction from him; he was always too cautious to the point of paranoia. Too self-conscious. Pacifying him however, was another matter. "I don't know. It's my gut. Like…we've been waiting for each other and this is my last chance to be with him. It's crazy isn't it? I don't even know him, but I feel like we'd hit it off right away! Now that I think about it, it kind of feels like us, huh? Levi?

.

.

.

.

.

Are you sulking?"

His unwillingness to part with your arms was already telling of his answer. You couldn't help feeling smug. "Is someone jealous?"

"Sh-shut up!"

"You do know that you'll always be my Lord of Shadow, right?"

"OMG, you're ruining the moment. Keep your mouth shut and stop pointing it out!"

"I want to see your face~"

"No."

"No one will ever take your place, you know~"

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO ANNOYING. CAN'T YOU JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT?"

"But it's Sherlock's job to be the crazy one, Watson."

"No role-playing."

"Come to think of it, we never finished our D&D session."

"YAMETE KUDASTOP"

You lost it when he started to laugh. Since you were sharing the same brain cell most of the time, you couldn't help but laugh as well. It was cathartic. You missed this. You will miss this.

"I don't want to go back."

"Lucifer will get mad at you if you don't."

You shook your head. You were now facing each other, sharing laughs and smiles like your usual days at RAD. "I meant the human world."

"Oh…"

"Just kidding." but not really. You just didn't want to bring up yet another elephant in the room. Everyone had too much shit to deal with right now.

"If you stay here any longer, the raid will be finished. Isn't Solomon participating for that rare drop or something?"

"That fucking whale."

"Go. Kick his ass!"

And so you've heard his infamous OOOOOHHHHHS on dance battles when he was pumped up. You snorted.

"I'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON MY RANKINGS. WATCH ME PULVERISE THAT NORMIE"

"Mhm! I'm gonna retweet every post."

"Distract him with chain messages-"

"Oh, you bet I'm gonna keep texting him at the speed of light!"

"I shall bear thee only good news on the morrow."

"Tally ho! Make this old friend of yours proud!"

Despite your support however, your limited data connection at RAD, as well as Solomon's silence indicated your sabotage had been a failure. And to make matters worse, the said son of a gun mockingly responded to you near the end of the boss raid.

Huh? He wasn't replying anymore. Judging from the raid's usual patterns, he must be messing with Levi right now. You texted Levi a few emojis, hoping it conveyed your full emotional support and he only sent a "T__T" back. Guess it's Solomon roasting hours  for the next pajama night, huh. Again. Asmodeus would be thrilled.

Got to say though, annoying Solomon and being toxic online with Levi had distracted you from the gravity of your situation. While simmering in your own thoughts is great, if those thoughts only consisted of negativity and self-hatred, then you'd want to have a temporary escape--needless to say, it was a welcome distraction. You hoped the next few days away from the House of Lamentation would be as well. You decided to put off doing the other rounds for the booths once you wake up, and instead contented yourself with fiddling with the makeup kit that Asmo had prepared for you. It was sweet of him to buy you the lipstick you wanted so much, not helping but  wonder how he remembered something you said so long ago.

"I don't know, this colour doesn't look good on me. Oh, it would be better if Asmo were here!"

Honestly? You looked like a clown. 👁️👄👁️

Try as you might to fix your look, it only got worse(must be the puffy eyes not helping too). If you place another layer of eyeshadow on your eyelids, you would be the entire circus.

.

.

.

Actually, you felt like you're the entire circus already. You had the clown look down to a tee, and everyone around you was laughing at your every move. Fuck. You are an actual clown right now--

Shit. You're dreaming.

For some reason, Levi was juggling Ruri-chan figurines at one corner, while Asmo was raving about how he's the "prettiest bearded lady ever". You saw some familiar faces in the crowd, an amused Luke clapping and absorbing everything he saw with vivid cheer, and a flustered Simeon trying to calm him down. A parallel of their dynamic was also observed with the excitable Lord Diavolo, cheering for Lucy the Lion to jump the ring of fire, while Barbatos repeated his pleas for his liege to keep his voice down in futility.  The sadistic ring master Solomon, calling you and everyone else as his toys, commanded you to "be more funny", and when you didn't oblige, cold water was splashed at you. Ah! Mammon almost fell from the tightrope! That was a close call! From another corner of the room, you saw Satan turn visibly green after doing multiple aerial tricks at the flying trapeze; Belphie was often woken up by him, as the youngest sibling kept falling asleep when he was about to catch him. Will he wake up or will Satan die? Their acts were easily the most anticipated at the circus. Beel was supposed to be the elephant balancing on a ball, but got distracted by a bag of peanuts from the audience and had to be removed from the main acts.

"Do something funny, clown!" the crowd booed at you as you continued gawking. You felt cold all over thanks to the water,  that even when you hugged yourself and tried to rub your hands, you only felt number and number. The boos got louder, and more water was thrown at you until you've had enough of that and you couldn't help but say,

"Can't a clown have their rights?!"

…then you suddenly felt really warm and woke up, seeing a blanket wrapped around you.

A hooded figure backed away and attempted to flee, but you responded quickly and grabbed his arm.

…he's warm. Really warm. Feverish even.

"Who are you?" you glared at him, and he only struggled to get away from you and didn't answer.

"Silence huh? You're one stubborn ghost.

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Wait. There can't be a ghost here. What are you?"

The hooded figure seemed hesitant, but with no ways to escape, he finally spoke to you. "You're right. I am a ghost and you're still in a dream."

Oh. That makes sense. If he's a ghost and you can touch him in this empty classroom, then he might just be right. Even so, you didn't let him go. He was too suspicious. "And, what are you doing out here, ghost?"

You couldn't see his face as it was too dark.

"Are you trying to kill me-"

"Never! I would not let anyone do that again!"

Again? This ghost says some weird stuff.

"You looked really cold, so I…"

Come to think of it, besides your exposed fingers that was grasping his arm, you felt really warm and comfy. "Oh, thanks. I didn't know ghosts can touch physical objects. Wow, this dream is weird."

"...I won't leave. Please warm your hands. They're freezing."

True to his word, the feverish ghost sat on the floor and faced you. You couldn't tell his expressions, but he did seem uneasy since he was looking at every corner of the room.

"Mr. Ghost, aren't you cold? You can share the blanket if you want.

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Ghost?"

"...you are far too defenseless." He sounded angry. "Why must you ask a ghost that? What if I curse you?"

"Woah okay, no sharing the blankets then, sheesh. You can't even benefit from a blanket so why so mad, bro?"

"It's a dream so it doesn't have to make sense."

Ohh, he has a point.

"I haven't seen a human like you here for centuries. Your aura is strange as well. Ah! I'm not going to possess you, so please put that holy water down. I only meant that it's dangerous for you to be here alone, you know."

"That's why he put a lot of barriers here. To protect me."

"He?"

"My friend. His name is Satan."

For a ghost, he didn't hover much, and he didn't seem to pull any pranks. Instead, he listened to you, and sometimes even felt concerned for you. Rather than a ghost, he felt like a friend you've known for a very long time.

"Oh, I heard that name before. He and his brothers are famous around here--the Seven Rulers of Hell. They're really powerful."

"Yeah, powerful and kinda dumb."

"Is it okay for you to say that?"

"Yeah, it's fine because if they're dumb, I'm a complete moron."

"Probably not as dumb as a ghost that gets colds. You're good."

"Pfft!"

It was easy to talk to him; he didn't judge you for your opinions, and listened to you with undivided attention. At times, your gut told you that you know this ghost man, that this isn't the first time you've ever had a conversation with each other, that his warmth and kindness felt awfully familiar.

"I wonder what you were like when you were alive? You seem really calm for a ghost."

"My life isn't very interesting. I might have even forgotten about that already, perhaps that's why."

Was it a sore topic? Probably not. You couldn't hear any bitterness in his voice, in fact, it felt like he was at peace.

"What about you? There must be a reason why you're here.

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I understand if you won't share them with me, I'm sor--"

"I needed to get away," you said, wrapping yourself closer to your warm blanket. "Though I suppose ghosts can't relate. You don't have any more mortal worries to think about."

"That's not true at all," he reassured you. "Being a ghost opens up another load of worries. You're fine the way you are."

"You say that as if you know me."

"...you're right. I'm sorry, I don't know you at all."

Wait. Where did you hear that before?

"Will you visit my dreams again?"

"Probably not. It's for the best."

Oh. You couldn't help but feel disappointed.

"Even if I want to see you again?

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A-are you okay?! That was a really loud impact!"

How the hell could this ghost not pass through objects?! Is he really a ghost?! At least act like a normal ghost in your own dreams, sheesh!

"I'm…fine."He reassured you. "I wasn't able to see the armchair--

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You're way too close."

"And you're really hot. Your forehead's a furnace!"

The ghost spluttered and put a hand between the two of you. "I have already told you, I am a dumb ghost who can catch colds, so if you value your health, please don't get too close to me."

"Have you ever kissed a clown? In this angle, I can just push you down and--"

"ENOUGH!"

He felt warmer, hiding his face completely under his hood. "Please move away."

"Not until you agree I'll see you again."

"I cannot control your dreams."

"But you haven't even tried yet!"

"You're being ridiculous."

"So what? This is my dream! If I want to see you again then I could, couldn't I?"

.

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"It's not funny!"

"I apologise. I couldn't help it. You're the most amusing human I have ever talked to. You have touched this old soul's heart, enough perhaps to finally depart for the afterlife.

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Don't look so disappointed; it was a mere jest. I have some time left to spare. If you would have me, then I would be happy to keep you company."

You only said those words because he seemed like he was about to leave---but with his promise of company, your heart calmed down. You've had several conversations with that weird mellow ghost who couldn't do his job properly; a presence, though surreal was something you badly needed,someone who didn't know you at all but felt the opposite. You talked like age-old friends in that cold and empty classroom, growing familiar with his laughter, the shadow of a smile under his hood he refused to take off. A kind, and sometimes seemingly all-knowing worldliness that was almost ethereal. Then again, he was a ghost, so you supposed it was fitting for his personality.

"...I see. A love for an enigma you've only known through penned words, and a love you wanted to feel for someone who held you dearly. That is a difficult situation. Is that why you have claimed this space as your temporary dwelling?"

You nodded. "It's better to keep my distance from Mammon for now. If I act kindly, won't he misunderstand? I don't want to give him false hope. He deserves better."

"You're not angry that he kept things from you?"

"Eh?"

"Ah?

.

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.

Did that thought perhaps, never cross your mind?"

"No…should I be angry?"

The ghost sighed to himself and you felt his warm, feverish breaths next to you. "Honestly, what was I expecting? If you could be friendly with a ghostly invader from your dreams, of course such an ill thought would never cross your mind."

The moonlight illuminated through the classroom's windows, casting a pale yellow light that revealed your new friend's warm smiles.

"You're lovable like that, I suppose."

...huh?

Did your heart just skip a beat? And why did he remind you of someone just now?

"Your blanket had come undone. Wait, allow me."

Unusually warm was the ghost of a man standing closely beside you. He wrapped the blanket back around you and you realised you couldn't breathe, intoxicated by the beauty of his smiles. His touches were light, as if trying his all to not make contact with you, proper and gentlemanly, almost to the point of stuffiness.

"There. You're warm again."

!!!

Why didn't you realise sooner?

...why did you feel like crying?

"An argument is one thing, but this is quite a reckless decision. Sigh. What am I going to do with you?

.

.

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You must take better care of yourself."

A gentle hand that stroked your head, his familiar warmth. His voice. His gestures. Even his scolding. Why did it feel like you know this person?

And if you do, is he important to you?

...was he?

...why? Why ' was' ? Was he not important to you anymore?

"I wish I could take away all of your pain, but I could only do so much. They dragged you here without even asking if you're okay with it, and now one of them is even causing you this heartache. Not that I have the right to get angry for your sake.

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It's all right to feel surfeited. Your emotions are valid, no matter what other people will say. You shouldn't force yourself to love someone. It would be cruel to both of you."

"It's you."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It is you!"

You couldn't help it. The tears just started to flow on their own.

"Wh--

.

.

!!!"

You didn't want to let him go.

"I found you…"

"..."

If this was all a dream and he isn't real, then can't he stay there with you a bit longer? You can hear his clothes rustle as he struggled to take your arms away from his body, pausing (perhaps he's looking at you, you don't know), his breath dangerously close to yours.

You don't even need to know his name. His presence, the way he carries himself, as well as the way he spoke made you certain that he was your beloved letter sender.

So why couldn't you see what he looked like even in your dream?

You could feel him resisting when you pulled him closer to you, cheeks warm on the crook of your neck.

"I think I love you..."

"This is just a dream. Mammon is waiting for you. Everyone is. You cannot stay here."

"Dream? I don't care. Why did you write that and make me fall for you when you can't even fight for me? Why? Are you going to say all that you've written is a joke?"

"It's not..."

"Then why can't you confess to me like a normal person?"

"I'm sorry."

"I love you."

Despite not being able to see him, you could feel that there was a wistful smile on his face.

"You don't even know me."

"But--"

"I do love you too. I still love you. I wish I could-- No, I should not. After all this time...even if..."

"Do we know each other?"

"This is just a dream."

"Do we know each other?!"

"...no."

"You're lying."

"...it's the truth." He looked down, finally free from the grip of your hold. "I must go. You should too. You cannot stay in a dream forever. At some point, you should start facing reality."

"..."

"I'm no good for you. I mean it. A coward who cannot  even tell you his name will never be good enough. I'm sorry for hurting you."

Why does he feel so familiar then? What is this ache in your chest? You wanted to wake up and face him, maybe then you'd know why hearing him caused you to feel this way. However, sleep was beckoning you in that ridiculous dream and you can hardly strain your ears to listen to him as you felt drowsier by the second.

"...I'm sorry. Despite everything I did, I feel like that's all I could ever say to you. Forget about what you read. Yes, when you wake up, all of your sadness shall disappear. I'll make sure of it. You will be happy again. So please...

.

..

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..

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don't remember me at all--"

Why is he so sure? It's almost arrogant of him to assume for you. But the security of his words felt like he was saying things for certain, that he can actually do the impossible.

"Can't you at least tell me your name?"

"I can't …it was a short time we've known each other but I'll treasure it forever. This is just a dream, so I hope it will stay that way for you."

He talked way too much. If he's going to disappear after this dream is over anyway, then you'd rather make the most of it!

!!!

You leaned forward and felt his lips on yours, feeling the jolt on his body, startled by your gestures. However, he said one thing and did another, much like the forced propriety in his letter, he came undone in your embrace and deepened the kiss, feeling every corner of your mouth. You did the same, closing your eyes and relishing every feverish moment, unsure of time passing as you felt his warmth against yours.

It was such a shame you couldn't see his face. He must have looked lovely right now with his flushed face and his adorably confused, glazed look. Pulling away from him only initiated another kiss, and another. And another, as if making up for lost time. The ones he initiated drowned you, feverish yourself; feeling the intensity of his passions as you melted into each other.

Why did he tell you you could never work out? Your bodies said otherwise. You wanted more. To be closer to him, to get to know him, to call him by his name, to share those three words with him, to hear him say them back.

"I love you…."

You muttered out of breath as your lips parted from the numerous kisses you shared. You could hear him breathing softly beside you, yet he only answered you in silence.

The warm hand stroking your head was gone, the familiar warmth and kindness...

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familiar?

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Who?

When you woke up, a warm blanket was wrapped around you--one that you didn't remember having when you slept. And any remnant of someone ever giving it to you, even in a distant dream was gone...

"Hm? What's this?"

[ Obtained KEY 4: ~Receipt~ ]

>View it here

>continue to next scenario

...or so you thought.

💌💌💌

[ You have unlocked a new chatroom in MEMORIA 7. ]

💌Read it here

💌Continue to next scenario

💌masterlist

[ichirukilover]

This is why when I hear it doesn't matter what people ship leave each other alone I become suspicious cos 1 that is a rhetoric that IH are going to use to blame us for the bulk of the fandom drama by the way try it IH fans we still have receipts from 2 years ago and beyond we'll see who's fanbase is "mostly" bad then. 2 it kind of does matter who's doing what exactly because it's not fair to fans who never crosstag get hate anyway are told to leave others alone when that's all they did to start

The whole shipping fandom is a mess all sides had/have shitty people and unfortunately it will always be like this, sorry but after years I can’t delude myself thinking things will ever change. I am all for the ship and let ship mindset, like I’ll stay in my lane, you’ll stay in yours and we have fun liking/disliking whatever we want, you don’t like IR? Good! Say it even 100 times but do it in your lane, that’s great! You are not here to cather to other people feels and have to shut your mouth in your own blog bc someone may feel attacked u dislike a fake ship.

On the whole IH/IR “shipping war” mess…..oooooh boy did I see some shit, so much of it and not even all of it, you said we have the recepiest of 2 years ago? Oh but we have years of receipts lol that’s why I will never take IH seriously when they say they are the good guys while we are the bad ones and love to act like victims all the time, like no, no, no please shut up, that’s only gonna make you look stupid bc your fandom is shitty as much as ours, saying that, hoping people are new to the fandom and will believe you is just once again a shitty thing to do, way to go! That’s the problem with the IH fandom, they always make excuses but, but the IR fandom did, the IR said, the IR made, the IR, IR, IR, IR! Like stooooop your fandom did the same things too if not worse, bc while the IR fandom many times called the “bad apples” out on their own and tried to solve problems with said “bad apples”, on the other side the IH fandom, always tried to excuse everything with the “but the IR fandom did it first!” Or some shit like that. I don’t know how many times Ichirukis exposed other shitty ichirukis behavior, but when we pointed out to the IH fandom shitty things some of them made, rest assured there were always people on their side ready to not help and ready to defend the people that did the shitty behavior, liars, art tief, plagiarist, trolls and so on, while even blaming IR for being mean for telling the truth. That’s another problem, so many times IR are called BAD even when they do nothing bad, I mean I don’t know how many times I saw IH whine that IR made Bl/each blogs that didn’t support their ship, like that is some crime? It’s their blog? Make one you will like yourself? Or calling bad people bc they dared make a post saying the don’t like the IH ship? Eh? Whut? Also the whole “IR fandom is bad” so everyone deserves the hate? Like what? Everytime I hear ir did, ir said, ir was bad and them playing the old victim card, it’s always bc they are excusing their side spreading hate and IR getting it, like it’s somehow deserved, even if the people getting the hate NEVER attacked anyone. So I don’t know it all sound stupid af to me. 

There is so much one can deal with, I was in the fandom for 4 years but was always on the sideline luckly + 2 years of hell here on tumblr and it’s about time I came to the conclusion “I don’t want to interact with the IH fandom” end of story. All the time I have to see all the IH that preach well, like let’s all get along and let’s not spread hate (even if IR were so bad and attacked so many fanartist and shippers) while ignoring that they follow the same blogs that attacked IR artists and shippers and maybe even joined on it? All the blogs that did the shittiest things still being followed by them? Yeah no if that’s the basic shipper of let’s all get along, nah I’d rather not. Have fun, I’ll never bother you and I hope you’ll never bother me. 

I know it’s not the whole fandom (is this thing always necessary to point out?) I know there are so many that just want to ship their ship and have fun, there are also so many multishippers, and so on, many that can follow each other just fine, and that’s great, good for them.

[commedias]

✍✍

if i work up the courage to leave my room and get on the computer today, i’ll edit this n make it all pretty (and do replies ) but for now lmao bear with me

sigh i told myself i would stop adding more muses but i have four that i’m trying to hash out mentally before introducing them soooo here’s the two i have plotted out most

just as a preface to this muse, a lot of my artistic muses (i.e. taeyong, sunghyun) struggle with embracing their crafts due to insecurity or ambivalence. i did this intentionally firstly bc it represents my own emotions towards my own artistic abilities. like taeyong’s fear of writing not being a consistent career and that no one would want to read his shit is me af. as for sunghyun, he loves music a lot and he’s still pursuing it, but at the same time it’s associated with his childhood trauma. this also mirrors my own upbringing even tho i was actually just basing him loosely off of your lie in april lmao. in fact, i plan on developing him to have a career change but i don’t wanna give it away yet. both of these muses really depict a side of artists that seems more realistic and provocative imo rather than a lot of the “"tortured artist”“ muses i see who drink a bottle of vodka and then paint a tree and call it a masterpiece. however, i really did want to pay homage to a muse who’s passionate and confident in their art, but instead of letting it destroy them, let it BUILD them. alas, this is where the inspiration for a jeon jungkook fc came along.

he’s stoic. he’s brilliant, but doesn’t try to be. everyone hates him. he wears eyeliner and has pierced ears. he’s clad in all black most of the time, rips in his clothing because he can’t afford new ones. his childhood is still an indistinct blur to me but that’s how it is for a lot of my muses. i let them reveal their backgrounds to me the more i portray them. for now, i envision him according to the inspiration i gathered from howard roarke in ayn rand’s “the fountainhead” and my own imagination. i mean a lot of my muses are from vegas so no surprise here lmao but yes vegas local born and raised. it fits perfectly with his infatuation with buildings. he’s an architect, or at least an aspiring one. got kicked out of a prestigious school specialized in architecture bc he didn’t follow the assignments or design more traditional structures. he looks at the buildings lining the strip and loves how man builds them, but their vices own the man. he sees buildings as a symbol of power. not power as in widespread fame and rule over others. instead he sees it as natural dominance others can only delude themselves with (i.e. in the same way drunks on the strip feel infinite in their youth, but wake up another day older with their antics from last night only a temporary reprieve from their dullness). jeon jungkook fc doesn’t need the vices, however, to feel worthy because he uses his own ambition to build his worth. he travels for a year to increase his experience of the world before settling down to serve as an apprentice for an obscure architect on the verge of retirement. he scarcely eats, lives as an ascetic, each penny saved in order to fuel his objective of becoming great. he refuses to let anyone alter his designs. one time he blew up a building because it wasn’t designed to his original illustration and said his art isn’t for anyone’s glory but his own. he’s egotistical, emotionally remote, and quite frankly, i’m looking forward to playing him (against a lisa fc bc that was what inspired me to think of a unique personality for jungkook)

the jungkook muse sounded super deep and now this is gonna be a flop in comparison….. but i was talking to tabitha yesterday abt a kim wonshik muse bc of the gif hunt you made ajfndloxksks. anyways…. i imagine him as an underground rapper who smokes a lot of weed and kind of looks like a hood rat tbh so i imagine him walking thru the alley late at night after a performance and then a leo fc who works at a diner being like omg bro are you homeless ?come in let me feed you. and kim wonshik fc is probably just thinking like no wtf i’m not homeless but he’s also stoned and has the munchies so he’s like alright free food i’m down. and so he keeps pretending he’s a bum so that the leo fc keeps feeding him food while he’s high and leo fc never catches on and idk it would be so cute :’( i’m contemplating whether he would be a disowned rich kid or like a rich kid whose parents would never be around, thus why he does the shit he does and has nothing better to do than make half-assed mixtapes but idk yet *shrug emoji*

[travellers-survivor-old-west]

Episode 7: “The coin flip gods decided Xander would be leaving us tonight”- Chloe

Everyone drop your..................... spare change we have a decision to make - Someone on the losing tribe, probably.

jeezzzzzz this round is fucking frustrating. so last minute last round my alliance flipped to keaton which was WONDERFUL!!! I was having a hard time talking to him and I'm glad it's Vi and Xander still here. the concering thing tho is someone told vi to do keaton so like.....someone tryna scoop up that good good number huh? this auction though....FUCK THIS. so it started off fine. nobody snatched the first thing bc it was useless. but then the second item hehe I grabbed it bc I wanted to throw to keep ashley safe + wanted to know what it was. so i was like ok cool love it. but then for some reason another item got posted after the time the post said the challenge would be running.....which was not fair flkjfl and i didnt see it cause i was like cool i can sleep now :) and then it's the fuckin most powerful thing in the game :)))) love that for me lol. and someone on that tribe fucked it up. i literally would've fuckin spent all the money for it if I'd known the auction was gonna go past the time the hosts said rip so that threw a wrench in everything and now i am a sad sad cowboy :'( next day i snatched the first item to end the auction so that the power hungry snakes in my alliance didnt get all the good stuff. so even tho i got nothing of value, i DID get assurance that only one thing is out there that I need to be worried about. :))) hehe :))) and it was REALLY EASY to play off like xander took them both tbh. he was typing in the chat the whole time lmao. the only problem is that chloe eve and isaac are actually smart and they might know it was me but like i rlly put in that fake nancy drew work and was like HELLO DID U BUY THOSE THINGS ? I even asked xander if he got either of the items hehe. im just sittin here with my two lame-ass packages <333333 but i have a really bad feeling about the other tribe. Ashley was on a work trip all week and I know her and her fuckery and her inability to talk to boring men and her tribe has way way too many of them. jared/sammy have the power on that tribe if they scoop dylan and goat nick or bro down with aidan. so it's bad news I think. I'm gonna be pissed at them if they get her out (and i swear to god if jared is doing it just to break up me and her so I'm closer to him he has another thing coming!!!!!!!!! :) ) i wanted to be loyal to jared and ashley, but if he gets her out before I even have a chance to play with her, im gonna be fuckin bitter!!!!!!!! and who knows what I'll do then :)

Well rip us again. I’m slightly screwed? Maybe. I did get 2nd highest score so hopefully the others keep that in consideration considering Owen, Xander and eve got lower than 50 points. I’m pissed Bc Chloe and I both tried hard to carry the team. We were 200 points under. That’s more than either one of us got. Every one else didnt do an entire section. One of them only did a couple pictures, another only did a couple videos. Rip I want to die.

BIIIIITCH. Shit has hit the fan and I finally feel like we're playing a game here. Last tribal was intense but it brought back that feeling as to why I play these things so I was kind of into it. Overall the scrambling in the last few hours showed a lot of people's hand and I think that was one valuable thing that came out of the last vote out (in addition to Sammy's vote out). Apparently the alleged vote was Ashley, which Jared told me rather late, and I didn't feel clued in on that AND I was a fan of Ashley. She was one of the only people here from my second tribe and she talked to me more than a majority of the tribe making me realize that the Malakoff OGs might have formed a voting block - Pat might possibly be involved. Apparently it was a push on behalf of Pat but I did use my vote steal and try to push things in order to save Ashley and push it onto another target. She really wanted Jared but I do feel like I have a stronger relationship with him and the ability to reconcile things further which is why I tried to deviate the target to Sammy. Plus in all of the ambiguity and the fact that my name was going around (as Ashley as a decoy to save herself *insert eye roll*) I felt the need to use the vote steal I secured on the rails. Regardless of how things played out at the end of the day I had no idea what the chaotic twink [Dylan] was going to do and in the event of a 3-3-1 tie I doubt Jared was saving me over Sammy. Weren't they butt buddies in a Tumblr Survivor or something? Like it just wasn't realistic... and I don't feel like I leveraged it poorly at all. Better than going home with something in my pocket like last time. Plus the studio art major's reaction in their exit interview only helped prove my point that they were the best person to go. Plus I felt as if the studio art major in question has the type of fun but lowkey personality that allows people to go deep and as such an extroverted loud ass bitch those players tend to be the ones on my radar. We worked hard, we persevered and won immunity. Pat worked his ass off in the fucking challenge because he knew he made a fucking mistake writing my name down but he's trying to be cordial. Honestly I think a lot of people are biding their time until merge and I have a sneaking suspicion I might be a person of interest when this merge comes. WHY? Well that challenge was CLEARLY thrown and the people who seemed to be left out of the loop were the ones from my original tribe. I'm pretty sure that's a fucking act of war in Ancient Greece. Nick (my number one ally atm I love you Nick) pointed that shit out immediately and made me run to check the results which left me shook. I tried to bring it up to Jared who played it off... another kind of red flag. My priority right now is to strengthen relationships heading into a potential merge and making sure they're on good footing with me even though the last thing that's happening is a loyal Malakoff 3.0. I'm not even going to delude myself with the fucking thought. Despite having Nick and I guess Ashley, I do feel very alone in this game. Most games I succeed in I have a partner in crime so I'm going to adapt and see how I can take on the merge. I really want Nick to know I trust him as much as I do and I hope that whoever survives of Chloe and Vi is excited to see us. That's if the merge is next and you're not playing with us... But I also hope that both Chloe and Vi survive this round but the break up of the challenge doesn't look good. Is there a chance they just fucking suck?

Being back at tribal is fucking hell. At this point just give us merge I stg id be more likely to be immune then. Honestly it feels like most of my tribe put ZERO FUCKING EFFORT into this challenge and I’m beyond angry about it they’re all fucking bastards and I’ll vote every single one of them out for doing this to me.

Thoughts on being at tribal - the coin flippers are staying strong and yet again we flipped a coin to see who goes home between Vi and Xander. This time there’s no Keaton to fuck things around so I’m hoping it stays this straight forward and there’s no genuine last minute scrambles. I don’t think anyone from the group has told Vi or Xander yet who the vote is but the coin flip gods decided Xander would be leaving us tonight. I just wanna fucking sleep. So yea no valid reason for voting Xander tonight other than it was down to a coin flip. Either way I’d be voting Xander and Vi out at merge anyway.

M E R G E U S 

I’m stupid and forgot to do this so I’m doing it from the bathroom at work pls don’t strike me I’ll give you detail when I get off sjhdjddh

Spoiler Alert: He never did send us details when he got off work.....

Hey, this tribe fucking sucks. they never talk about anything or want to do much. Like i had to beg people to do the call. and force that to happen. and I had to force a vote talk out of people.... Thats not my style of gameplay. I hate that im forced to do that. and just want out of this tribe ASAP. IM just hoping if i do survive and make it to merge. that my clever "talking" skills have earned me some credit in this tribe. where I have some allies. I do want to make it far and not just flop in this game. Especially when no one really knows me here and they can't target me because im in a duo with someone on the cast. @every other game i play. *glares at jess* 

Also Xander...

Part 2 electric boogaloo I really just want Alyssa to expose me. Like is that so hard. Also i forgot to mention in my last confessional that Jess had a booty call and they left their top there. 

IS IT MY TIME TO GO??????

Last round was pretty wild. I really did NOT want Sammy to go but unfortunately my hands were tied and he was with jared and pat. I kind of pushed for jared last round a little too much and Aidans ass told jared and he confronted me about it. I think i did a pretty good job at explaining why and basically it was like we both kind of went for eachother last round but now no one will think we are working together. My hope is that aidan and nick will be loyal and continue to work with me but i have a feeling jared is stilll trying to work on aidan and aidans ass is falling for it. Merge is probably coming up and im a little scared about that but if nick and aidan dont flop I think we can make it far.

So last round I played like peepee poopoo I should've just listened to Sammy like I told myself I would at the beginning of the round and voted Aidan... but the second I detect any shadiness even in a F2 or F3 person that's when the meltdown comes... it was like the Bryce situation all over again Not to mention Aidan two-timed me! But luckily it is still early enough in the game to recover from this, and I still have the high noon... I just need to hang onto that no matter what. So this round I centered back in on my round one gameplan, Aidan lost my trust and Dylan earned his 3rd strike with me by not having my back in the tribe chat. I've been bonding with NickG, and I made a deal with Ashley so I'm hoping that new doors will open for me on this tribe. With that being said, we won the challenge and honestly I couldn't care less about a merge any more, the farther away it is the better to be honest- I can have a 50/50 shot at making it one round further every time with tribal immunity. Another note, non-zero odds that Owen threw the challenge for me? We'll see.

Idk what day exactly the video title is specific of when I’m speaking from.

More Pat....

[thegarden]

sometimes i think maybe i just have too little self esteem to ever experience mania? idk maybe i’m wildly confused about what a manic episode looks like but all those tests and shit say that like grandiose behavior is a criteria and like....idk friends i just have all this energy and know i should sleep but still don’t and can’t handle social media or netflix anymore but still keep using them and wanna buy shit but don’t have money and can’t stop moving and have a headache but won’t eat despite having a grand total of chocolate chips, ice water, and cheese to eat today and i keep impulsively texting ppl even tho they are all asleep and won’t answer and then tomorrow i’ll hate myself for being the person who texts at 3am like “are you awake” and idk what else what else oh yeah i know i should take my meds bc i forgot them yesterday (or was it the day before? who knows bc i’m in a “forgets time is passing” sorta feel) and remember when you were in the shower two days ago and you realized this isn’t the person you want to be?? and you thought about how you could actually just say fuck it and become the kind of person who you could actually like being and the kind of girl who deserves all these stupid people you keep falling in love with and the kind of human who has their shit together and doesn’t just let people down over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and i’ve typed this twenty fucking times and still cant get into a pattern of muscle memory where i don’t forget the space between “and” and “over” also i just remembered i had a dream last night and i was swimming and happy and idk i was talking to this guy who was doing a weird “bachelor” type dating game to like figure out which ordinary human girl wasn’t a fake bitch trying to date him only bc he was famous but idk he was nice and i wish the dream hadn’t ended honestly i wish i could live in my dreams even my nightmares where my mom is awful again and doesn’t love me as much as she says she does and i know she actually does care because how else would i have inherited a fucking genetic code for this much goddamn emotion like i feel everything and i hate it i hate it i hate  it i hate  it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it i hate it why why am i this way why do i feel so goddamn much and why do i have to be this way when nobody wants someone who is this fucked up because they can’t stop feeling nobody wants me nobody really wants me and if someone does then i haven’t met them because everything just always hurts me in the end and i always end up sweating and covered in tears and alone and wondering why i’m not good enough for the people i care about why is it whenever i get to experience enjoyable things it’s always just a lie it’s a fucking lie it’s a one night thing i’m someone else’s fucking experiment and i can’t even be mad bc i let people treat me like this i can’t fucking stand up for myself and have some goddamn boundaries bc maybe if i let them hurt me maybe if i let people do whatever maybe if i let them kiss me and get me drunk and fuck me over i can pretend that it’s their fault for how i feel when it’s really just me it’s me i’m broken why am i so broken i finally set up an appointment with a therapist after failing to call for months and it’s a fucking re-intake so it won’t help and it’s not until next tuesday so i probably will be back to deluding myself that i’m fine by then but i’m not i’m not fine i don’t know if i’ll ever be fine and i don’t know how to be a normal human and i miss my friends even tho i have already texted one of them all goddamn day and seen one last weekend and one the other night (even tho it sucked i hated yesterday night bc i’m a shitty human and a shitty roommate and it would have been better for everyone if i just wasn’t there bc apparently i even suck at basic cohabitation) fuck i’m hyperventilating which makes it hard to type but honestly why can’t i have a fucking panic attack or something or a fucking heart attack why can’t i fucking die my lips are tingling and i don’t know why what is this feeling it feels like silent screams i don’t even know it feels like i just want someone to hug me and let me fall asleep in their arms so i don’t wake up feeling numb and alone like i always do i wake up from dreams and wish i could feel the type of happiness that only seems to be momentary in those few seconds where i convince myself i haven’t completely irredeemably fucked up our friendship bc i feel like i have i feel like i fuck everything up i should just drop out of school or fucking i don’t know walk into a street or just see how long i can lay in bed and do nothing bc if i tried hard enough i don’t think it would matter who tried to intervene if i could just admit that i don’t deserve anything and i don’t deserve anyone or happiness or kisses or wondering or all the what ifs i make up in my mind i don’t deserve to ask you why if it was just trying to get a reaction out of people did you kiss me in a fucking elevator and if you were worried about me why do you think showing up at 9pm and waking me up with fingers through my hair and making me drink with you because let’s be fucking real i don’t know if i’m capable of saying no to you bc i have no self preservation and i’m just so greedy i want whatever i can get even though i know it doesn’t mean anything and i don’t know if those are tears or sweat dripping off my cheeks right now because whatever i’m feeling right now is like a nightmare that wakes you up in a hot sweat it is violent it’s more violent than any blade i ever put against my own skin and i don’t know if i’m just blaming you because it’s convenient bc this is not your fault at all i can’t blame someone for not having as many fucked up fucking emotions about people as i do and i can’t blame you for being gay except when you’re not except when you’re making out with me or with one of my only friends here who isn’t complicated why did you have to pick maddy to be the one you joke about dating why do you have to pick the one person who is mine she’s my person to call she’s the person who said i could call her after i sat on that fucking bench two years ago wishing i had someone to call because i felt awful and i was 2451 fucking miles from home and everything familiar and my world felt like it was crumbling and we had made lunch plans and she told me to talk to dean L bc dean L is like everyone’s yale mom without being too involved why do you kiss her drunkenly and why do i have this ugly feeling of jealousy inside me even though i know she isn’t interested in you even though you act like you’re actually fucking in love with her and whenever i see you guys together i have to hate you so i don’t let all my own ugly feelings explode on her when she didn’t do anything other than be there for me she’s always fucking there when i need someone and she sends people to let me in fucking redlit doors when i’ve cut my own wrists open in the middle of a courtyard because i let my roommate take out their own issues on me and i laid down like a fucking doormat while they did it and you know what 

you’re totally right. i know you say it jokingly but i am so fucking weak. i’m so weak. you say that like it’s not true or like you’re just talking about an immune system or idk maybe you are talking completely seriously because sometimes i think my best friend is actually right and that i shouldn’t forgive you for turning my own fucking brain and its inability to be rational and produce serotonin like a normal 3 pound meat slab piloting an even bigger meat slab should because i know i’ve definitely felt less than that moment but wow it’s definitely top three when the gay guy you’re in love with because maybe that was just another violence i could inflict on myself maybe falling in love is just another way i self harm and honestly the most effective way because you’re not the only person i’ve ever felt too much for and it’s left me damaged every time of course that’s assuming i was ever not damaged in the first place lmao what a thought i’m pretty sure i was born broken but back to the point i hate when i realize that he’s right and i can’t even disagree like what kind of friend thinks that threatening to get me expelled or forced into a leave of absence bc of my mental illness is okay what human person with an actual fucking soul looks at someone who can barely keep their guts inside their body who fucking spews emotions at strangers in the street because they hurt so much inside and when they don’t hurt it’s because they’re numb and not in a painless way but in that “not wanting to exist doesn’t sound that horrible like ‘at least your not suicidal’ you think to yourself while knowing deep down it’s actually a horrible awful violent life altering way to feel” something you never really recover from type of numbness and i don’t know how i don’t even have the capacity to hate you for taking the one thing i hate most about myself the one thing i can’t change about myself even though i’m going to spend the rest of my goddamn life trying (and even if i fail it’ll still be the rest of my life lmao) how did you ever think it was okay to say that to me how how how how on earth i know you had good intentions but dammit do you ever actually think before you say shit like that do you think about what it feels like to be going crazy inside your own head while completely aware and unable to stop yourself like you don’t you don’t fucking know what it feels like to be sinking into a pit of self hatred and knowing that you could just take a goddamn pill every day like you’re supposed to and keep a routine and socialize and do meaningful work and it would mostly be okay but for some reason you get halfway there halfway to okay and things fucking explode all over again and it’s square one and it’s not that easy it’s simple but it’s not that easy it’s not easy to have to depend on a pill to keep you from replaying the first time you looked at your mom’s kitchen knives and thinking that you should really be in a different room than them because you’re wondering what it would be like to feel them split the skin on your wrists and your arms and your throat but not your thighs because they hurt just thinking about knives and what is point if no one can see what is the point if nobody fucking notices that you’re in pain i just want someone to acknowledge that i’m hurting this hurts i can’t live my life without it constantly hurting it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and i just wish someone would realize that i wish you would realize and hold me like it’s not an obligation of friendship and kiss me not on the lips and not while we are both drunk but kiss my forehead and stroke my hair and remind me that it’s gonna be okay tomorrow because sometimes that’s too much to imagine and i think the only time i’ve ever felt safe from myself was when you are next to me on a couch and not being weird about me being within 3 inches of you because I can’t read you on a lot of things but I can always tell when someone doesn’t want to touch me or be near or see me or be in a room with me trust me as someone who’s been fat as fuck their entire life I know what that repulsion of I Don’t Want to Touch This Girl Her Existing This Close to Me Makes Me Uncomfortable feels like I can smell it on people I can read it in the way you never reciprocate when you’re sober the way you treat hurting me in small ways like a game and I get it I really do because I spent so much of my life reveling in the little ways I could make someone flinch just by pushing the right button or phrasing something in the right way or pretending to know more about that thing that makes them obviously uncomfortable the things people hate about themselves and I reveled in it I used to be so goddamn expert at manipulation and you think I didn’t realize that you were manipulating me? I always knew and I let you do it even though I kept getting hurt and wasting time wondering about shit wondering if today was the day you would actually take this world and education and the only place I’ve ever been allowed to be myself completely away just because you didn’t know what to do when a girl comes to you with cuts on her wrists bitch you just gotta fucking care just fucking wrap me in a hug and tell me not to do it again and tell me that it’s not stupid when I thought about texting you before instead of cutting or walking into a street without looking or running full speed into a cement wall at midnight because maybe that would help you’re supposed to say that “even if i don’t respond right away you can still text me and say you’re having a shit night and then cry yourself to sleep waiting for a reply that won’t come instead of hurting yourself” you don’t even have to say that though you literally could have just actually touched me i just want someone to touch me i just want to feel like i’m not as disgusting as everything i’ve ever done wrong not as disgusting as i’m supposed to feel in a body this big not as disgusting as every horrible thing i’ve ever said to make someone else hurt 

i just want to know...was it to fuck with me? was it to see how i’d react? do you even remember doing it? what do you actually fucking want from me?? because I accepted that you’re gay and not interested and I tried....I tried so hard to just leave it at that but...i can handle you still holding my hand and shit bc that’s your sense of humor. i can handle that you’re gay except when you’re drunk. i can handle that i don’t have a dick so it’s a no go and that i’m not even attractive if you did like girls and i can handle you saying no and letting time pass and letting the part of me that cares too much about you shrink until we can be friends again. that was all fine. what i can’t do is the inconsistency. i can’t do the gaslighting not even with words but with behavior. because one day you’re gay and not interested and the next you’re making out with me bc whatever and apparently you’re bi and not interested in me but interested in what fucking a girl would be like but then the next day you’re telling ppl you’re actually straight and there isn’t much to contradict the point bc first you kissed maddy and then you kissed natalie bc apparently if i even marginally enjoy hanging out with someone who is female it puts a target on them or maybe it’s just anyone i have any single feeling for no matter in what capacity bc i thought arty was cute for like 2 days once and then the next week i find out yall fucked and idk if i’m more annoyed by your shitty taste in bed partners (seriously you’re gonna go from mr. control freak to arty???) or the fact that it wasn’t even enjoyable but anyway i digress back to your supposed straightness bc i guess what i’m trying to say is i’m just sick of guessing here. i’m sick of guessing whether you’re gonna kiss me again or whether you’re actually bi or whether you’re just repressing yourself bc being gay and religious sucks or if this is all just a fucking game to you. i like to think there is always a bit of honesty in what people do while drunk off their asses but sometimes i wonder if that applies to you because it’s honestly hard to tell what is honest about you when you aren’t drunk so fuck that 

idk i probably just need to take my meds and i’ll probably regret saying any of this in the morning if i can even bring myself to hit the post button because i think i blame you too much when i’m trying to work out my own problems and honestly you’re not a bad person you’re just you and tbh you’re my friend no matter what because i may be a basket case but i’m loyal if nothing else like you could literally shoot me in the fucking stomach and i’d still be like “yeah we’re friends you need anything bro” but like idk i keep thinking and trying to work my shit out and i know there is a lot of work i need to do on myself but i just keep coming around to one thing after i get through all the stuff that’s completely on me i finally get around to the stuff i can’t answer on my own or blame myself completely for and there is always this one nagging thing left ever since two weeks ago

why did you kiss me in the elevator? 

okay maybe two things...because there is the whole why kiss me in an elevator when no one is there to react and we are dangerously close to your room and it’s already been like an hour since either of us drank anything but there is also the question of why did i like it so much

[stars-forever-dwell-blog1]

Acceptance and Stuff

So I had this thought recently. . .

I think that anyone who has ever known that “something is wrong” (in any capacity) can tell you that there is a freedom and a relief that comes with finally knowing what it is…even when it’s not something we like. This can be true of being given the right diagnosis, finally, of finding out what’s bothering a friend, why your partner is acting weird, why your boss wanted to talk to you, etc etc etc. Limbo sucks. Not knowing how to proceed sucks.

In short, not knowing sucks.

For a long time – more than five years – I have had moments of deep, dark, all-consuming self-hatred as I failed to live up to my own standards and expectations again and again. Why was it that I would get a good job (well paying, “normal” hours, socially acceptable, etc), yet after a few months I would start finding it impossible to go in? Why would I call in sick when I wasn’t sick? But I did feel tired and upset and anxious, so maybe I really was sick. . .maybe if I just slept for today, I would be better tomorrow. Maybe I need a Monday to Friday, 9-5 gig like normal people have. Maybe I needed something more artistically stimulating. Maybe I needed something that paid better. Maybe I needed something more intellectually stimulating.

Maybe I needed something more fun. More corporate and refreshingly sterile and not messy. But then where’s the heart? More predictable. More changeable. More challenging. Easier. Less bitchy women who have nothing to do but gossip and backstab. More guys. Less boys. No coworkers. More young coworkers. More mature coworkers. Maybe I needed to get away from that guy I slept with. My boyfriend’s ex who glares at me. All the drama. Whatever.

Yet whatever I chose, whatever I changed, nothing stuck. I always got bored. Restless. Anxious. Afraid. So I could never save any money, so I could never do any of the “big” things I wanted to do in my 20′s. Get more tattoos. Travel overseas. Get a car. Take riding lessons. Live in the country. Get a dog. Get a horse. Get my own house on a handful of acres in the foothills. A grand piano.

And I must say, when I finally just exhaled and said to myself, “I have a disease,” there was a huge feeling of relief. So many of the questions that had previously been swarming in my head were finally stilled. Why haven’t you gone back to school yet? You’re so smart! (Funny how something seemingly positive can become destructive). Why do you work such menial jobs, when you have so much potential? All your friends have houses and condos and kids and dogs and cars and careers…why don’t you? You say you want all these things – travel and a horse and a dog and a life in the country with a garden – yet you are no closer now to any of it than you were when you were 19. . .why is that? What’s wrong with you? Why are you such a loser? You know it’s only going to get harder and harder to make something of yourself the older you get, right? You’re just kind of a fuckup, defective. Some people just are, you know. Even though you’re from a good family who had all the support and opportunities in the world, you’re just determined to fail. I don’t know why that is. (This voice in my head was my mother’s, by the way.) But these thoughts finally slowed until they were almost gone.

A radical self-acceptance was dawning, of loving myself just as I am, with no illusions, no expectations to be or do more than felt be-able and doable. To not demand what felt impossible, exhausting, soul-destroying. To not force myself into roles that were self-destructive, to stop trying to be things that just aren’t me. The perfect daughter in my mother’s eyes is not me, because her perception of perfection is terribly skewed. The perfect employee in the average employer’s eye is not me, because I believe in self-care and conscious living, in getting enough sleep and not losing touch with one’s emotions, one’s soul, one’s inner self. I believe in sticking my toes in dandelions, and I really don’t care if my pants get dirt on them, or if I come back from my lunch smelling like horses. The perfect girlfriend in my own estimation for awhile was not me at all, because I am not an ever-flowing fountain that never needs refilling. I may strive to be compassionate, but I am far from perfect, and I have needs, too. I am not a goddess. Well, I sort of am.

So to finally accept my diagnosis was like, at long last, letting go of an incredibly heavy load that was far too much for me to carry. Accepting my limitations, because we all have them. I think when we’re young, we feel like we don’t have any, we feel like our generation will be the generation to change things, finally! That’s at least how I felt after high school…that our ideals and passions would change the world for the better, that society would become more human and less money-driven, that compassion and passion would gain respect and importance in the collective consciousness, and money and corporate bullshit and toxic lifestyles less so. That people would start to seek true happiness and not settle for the lies fed to them by society, by each other. I thought it would be radical and sudden and dramatic. Yet entering my 30′s, I see things differently now. There will always be people who conform to the rigid parameters that have been laid out for them already, people who will pour themselves into whatever mould they’re told is the “right one”, and not question. But then there are the people who question the accepted reality, the status quo. They don’t just swallow whatever they’re given – they think. They question. They don’t accept indifference, cruelty, ignorance and unhealthiness just because they are the norm. They strive to break free of those chains. They struggle to get past mere survival to thrive. They seek balance – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. And those are the people who are, to me, lights in the darkness, shapes and colour in the gray. And they, too, have been around forever, struggling against the dark in their own small or large ways. Every generation is bringing something new to the table, and it’s exciting to watch, and humbling to realize that my generation is no longer the new one coming out into the world. I equate it to the Aboriginal teaching of the medicine wheel. Each direction – east, south, west, north – all represent a different aspect of life. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood, elderhood. Spring, summer, fall, winter. White, red, blue, black. The teachings go on and on. And sure, maybe you’re having a blast in the east, but the time comes – and you feel it inside – when the wheel is turning, and you’re being pushed out, into the south. And you can’t do anything about it. You can deny that it’s happening and pretend you’re still there, but you won’t fool anyone. And we’ve all seen people who do this. The sixty year old woman at the bar dressed like a teenager, grinding on the dance floor and trying to pick up the freaked out bus boy. The elderly man who denies he has any health issues.

But. . .here’s the thing. Looking back, if I had been diagnosed when the depression actually started, when I was around fourteen, and I had accepted the news graciously and come to terms with the limitations of the disease so early on. . .would I still have done all the cool things that did in high school and my 20′s? Acted in plays all through high school? Went to drama camp? Flew to bc when I was 17 and lived out of my backpack for a year and a half? Hitch hiked all over the province? Lived in a cabin in the woods with no electricity or running water? Protested clearcutting? Lived in my tent? Worked in so many cool places? Lived in so many cool places? Took up karate, snowboarding, started relearning piano, fine-tuning my horseback riding skills? Dared to dream of working with horses one day, of writing a book, of playing music onstage? Because the thing is, with accepting this disease as part of my reality, I have lost so much hope. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the consistently balanced mood or the energy to go to school, or have a career where I have to be “on” for hours at a time. To be honest, the future looks pretty fucking bleak to me right now, and sometimes the thought of dying makes me feel relief, or at best spawns nothing but indifference in me. Because all those cool things I did were always tempered with anxiety, fear, and paralyzing confusion and pain, which is why there has never been any consistency in my life. Nothing flows for very long; it always collapses. And I guess I know that, if I didn’t have this bullshit disease, I would have already accomplished so much in my life, and would just keep going, growing, exploring, learning. . .I would be a force to be reckoned with, instead of a crippled girl. . .stuck. I can only accept so much. It’s the nature of all living things to fight for our lives when they’re threatened, so as long as I’m here, I can’t give up the hope that one day, things will be better than this emptiness that is all I have right now. But am I just deluding myself? It’s said that when people are in life threatening situations, they will cling to any hope to keep going. . .even when they know that hope is delusion.