#and rise of skywalker actually made me tear up which was wild

[thorsterstrudle]

Secrets and Those Who Keep Them Part 3

Obi-Wan x ForceSensitive!Reader

Okay, okay, now I have more of an idea for how I want this to go, so I PROMISE that there will be smut in the next part. With this in mind, this series may end up being longer than I first thought. Enjoy!

It didn’t take you long to reach Padmé’s apartments. After all, her residence wasn’t very far from the Temple. As you stepped out of the transport, you thought about the uncharacteristic desperation in her voice. The way she had told you she needed your help didn’t slip past you as you strode through the halls and past her personal guard.

Padmé was one of your closest friends, someone you trusted, who actually had an idea of what you did, even if she didn’t know the specifics. She knew secrets were your trade. The thing about the senator was she seemed to be free of secrets, but you knew better than that. And now, as you knocked on the door to her chambers, you knew for a fact that you were about to learn one of them.

The large doors opened before you and shut as soon as you crossed the threshold. There, sitting on the bed, head in her hands, looking just as distraught as she had in the holo, was Senator Padmé Amidala.

You approached her, trying to balance your curiosity with empathy as you sat beside her, aiming to place a hand on her long tresses.

“I’m pregnant,” she said, removing her head from her hands and looking at you. Her eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. You paused as you took in the information. You had to admit, of all the secrets your dear friend could have, you weren’t betting on this one. As you came to terms with her words, you began to wonder. There must have been a father. You knew Padmé would not be so distraught at being a single mother. You knew that she had the resources to care for any child. Most importantly, you knew her reputation would not be tarnished if this news on its own came to light. There were countless single parents on Corusant alone, and even some in high places of government.

The next leap your mind made was to what really had Padmé upset. It had to be the father. You briefly reviewed the list of possible lovers Padmé could have. She’d told you about Clovis, but that was long ago and dead. There was another possibility, though, another secret that you had come across…You shook your head slightly, knowing you would have to actually ask the question.

“Who is the father?” You waited as she tearfully looked out over the room, as if watching a memory come to life before her.

“A Jedi.”

Your suspicions were then confirmed. When Obi-Wan had first told you about his padawan’s attachment to this young, brilliant senator, you were unsure if it would bear fruit. Then, when you noticed that General Skywalker frequently acted as a Jedi guard for Padmé, the voice in the back of your mind told you to look out for them. It was one of the many signs of a budding Jedi and non-Jedi relationship. You’d seen it so many times before. But you couldn’t let Padmé knew they had been so obvious.

“I see,” you chose your words carefully, “well, considering the circumstances, this Jedi master would have to be able to—um—contribute, so that narrows it down. And judging by your age and how well I know your type, that narrows our pool down further. In my mind, there are three possibilities, one of which is no possibility at all. So, which is the father, Master Windu or General Skywalker?”

You knew the answer already, but you wanted to give Padmé the security of choosing to divulge her secret to you. All the same, she hesitated before taking you hand.

“Ani and I, we’re married. Before the Clone Wars truly started, we were married in secret. I love him, Y/N. I just don’t know what to do.” She looked back down at the floor. Scooting closer to her and placing your arm around her shoulders, you sighed.

“My dear Padmé,” you stroked her hair as you felt her shake, “you’d be surprised how common this situation is.” Her shaking subsided for a moment, and you continued on, “I have ensured the safety and security of countless families. If you are willing, I can do the same for you. However, it is your choice.”

Padmé inhaled and straightened. The look in her eyes was the one you were used to, full of determination and fire. You smiled slightly as she spoke.

“I want this child. And I want us to be a family. But most importantly, I trust you. Just tell me what you need.”

You stood from the bed and began pacing, crossing your arms and placing a hand at your chin. After years of living alongside Obi-Wan, you had picked up a few of his mannerisms. As you paced, you thought it through. There was no denying that Anakin Skywalker, the poster boy of the Jedi’s Clone Wars efforts would be in a state of constant illumination. And Padmé, as well. Then, just as you were ready to start finding your teeth, you realized you had forgotten something.

“Does the general know?” You looked over at your friend.

She shook her head.

To this, you nodded and began to pace again, this time speaking as you did so, “we have time to plan and prepare. You won’t be showing for a while, which is good. And when you do, we will be able to hide it for a time. But, if you want to do this, you should probably tell General Skywalker. If he knows, we can include him in the plan. How does that sound?”

Tears in her eyes, Padmé stood from the bed and rushed over to you, embracing you. You comforted her, knowing all to well the desire to be a family with the person you loved, even if it wasn’t the right time.

Several years before, after safeguarding the family of another Jedi, you laid in bed with Obi-Wan, head on his chest. As you listened to him breathe, his chest rising and falling, you remembered the look on the child’s face when they learned their mother would be able to visit them more. The toddler had smiled wide and jumped up and down as their father thanked you and Obi-Wan for all you had done for them. You saw that little girl’s face in your mind’s eye and you wondered. Would you be willing to put in the work to hide one more of your own secrets? More importantly, would Obi-Wan?

“Darling,” his voice was steady, like the heartbeat beneath your ear, “what’s on your mind?” You lifted your head from his chest and looked at him, trying to puzzle out what his answer would be when you asked him.

“We care for other people’s secrets. We help them grow their families in peace. What if—and just think about it for a moment—what if we had a baby?” You didn’t quite know what had come over you. You knew your life was good. What you had with Obi-Wan was good, great even. And you did have a family. The two of you had a family of wild younglings and an angsty padawan and an elderly green little creature, but it was all so—so secret. You shook your head at yourself, realizing the contradiction. Having a baby would just be another secret. But, you reasoned, our child would know it’s father and mother, and when we were all together, our love would be no secret from each other.

“Oh, love,” Obi-Wan tucked a lock of hair behind your ear, “say the word—say the word and we will.”

Shocked, your eyes widened as you looked at him. You nodded eagerly before moving up to kiss him. It was deep and strong and full of love.

But that had been many years ago. The next morning, your love had been called to accompany some politician to some stupid planet. He had been gone for nearly a year. And when he returned, the thought of growing your family by one was forgotten, just like a secret that never drops from one’s lips.

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Star Wars - Dooku: Jedi Lost by Cavan Scot There’s a fascinating thing going on with Dooku: Jedi Lost that’s not remarked on directly, but is surprisingly consistently shown--that half-trained Force users are legitimately dangerous to themselves and others more than we might think, that exposure to the dark side of the Force (whether from within themselves or from an external source) can be disastrous if they don’t have the experience to control themselves. --> It starts when Dooku feels a tug through the Force, to find his biological sister Jenza and they tour through the Serenno Assembly Hall together, when he’s drawn to one of the sculptures, the connection he makes with it tears through his mind, the Tirra’Taka growling and he can’t look away from it, doesn’t even seem to hear Jenza when she calls for him not to touch it. But he does and the entire Assembly Hall collapses on them, trapping them underneath the rubble.  Whatever was calling to him through the Force, he wasn’t trained enough yet to deal with it and he and Jenza are both badly hurt and need to be rescued.  It tore through his head and made him scream in pain, not from the collapsing hall, but having that thing in his mind. --> Later, Dooku and Sifo-Dyas sneak into the Bogan Collection in the Jedi Temple, because they’re curious (and Lene Kostana tempted them into it, by leaving a few pages of a Sith bestiary out for them) and Dooku is drawn to a particular object, he’s fascinated by it.  Another roar starts up in his head and he sees the Tirra’Taka again, this time not just in his head, but in front of him. In panic, he flings outward with the Force, shattering every cabinet in the room and knocking Sifo-Dyas into a wall of artifacts hard enough that his arm is broken. --> After that, Dooku is convinced that Lene Kostana is actually a Sith herself and goes to confront her.  She dances around the subject, throwing out deliberate mild barbs and he can feel the dark side roiling off her.  So he rushes at her, lightsaber drawn and she continues teasing him, testing him, taunting him a little. Then his attacks turns serious, he gets swept up in the furious rush of it, and she says, okay, that’s enough, let’s calm down.  But he can’t stop, not until Yoda’s forced to intervene, and when things calm down, Dooku realizes the darkness he felt wasn’t in her, it was in him.  He'd been so turned around by that anger and darkness, so frenzied by that darkness, that he couldn’t tell what was real in those moments. --> Awhile later, after Dooku attends his biological mother’s funeral on Serenno, it basically all goes pear-shaped and he’s deeply upset by it and Jenza’s rejection of him at the time.  Because of this instability, when he and Lene and Sifo-Dyas continue their mission, he kills an entire group of smugglers in a rage, so deeply affected by the dark side on the planet that even Lene worries that he’s going to turn his blade on her, too.  Dooku, relating this in the holo-entry says, "Perhaps I would have, blinded by emotions I could barely control, emotions she had stirred by bringing me to Asusto.” --> Then they’re then trapped in a special moss that that bombards them with mental images of war and fighting and the return of the Sith, all of this done so a weird cult can use them to generate visions of the future.  This torture caused Dooku to lash out with Force lightning to kill them, which further slid him down a dark path.  Because the Jedi Council would not approve of Lene exposing the Padawans to the dark side, she insists that they keep this all a secret and instead of dealing with it properly, she teaches them an ancient ritual that uses soaked bindings to help infuse them with the light side. --> Once Sifo-Dyas is Knighted, Lene continues to work with him because his visions are so severe that he still needs help, the burden of them so great that it’s caused him to develop a stutter.  Still, Lene keeps taking him out to help her look for Sith artifacts that are out there in the galaxy that she wants to hunt down, because she’s convinced the artifacts are the key to telling if the Sith have returned or not. Ultimately, the missions that Lene was taking him on, the visions that she was encouraging behind the backs of the Council (whom she hid them from) and the missions he was in the middle of cause him to have a vision so strong that he writhes on the ground and his sanity fractures, damaging him even further beyond repair, it seems. All of these together, in just the one book, paint an incredibly clear picture of how the dark side affects Force-sensitives, how it takes so much discipline, an entire lifetime of it, to be able to handle it.  That if users aren’t properly trained and take incredible care, they can end up hurting themselves and others, sometimes in ways that can’t be fixed. The Force is vast and mysterious and brilliant and wonderful and amazing and connection, but it’s also unfathomable and endless and dangerous if you push too far or get drawn into something you don’t have a lifetime of training to handle. This is why a Jedi needs the most serious of minds to commit to this--because the Force can and will wreck you if you’re not incredibly careful.  It thoroughly wrecks Sifo-Dyas in this book.  It sinks its claws into Dooku, who cannot move beyond it and we all know his fate. This is why the Jedi are so damned careful about the dark side--not that you can’t show darker emotions, because they did that all the time, but that you cannot just let them run wild in you--because we are given an entire series of events in this book that show us exactly how much damage the dark side can do and it’s really bad.  It doesn’t mean that every single one who uses the dark side, who acts out of anger, will automatically be driven down that path, the Jedi would never have kept Anakin Skywalker around if that that were the case, because he acted out of anger a lot.  And he was told to learn to control himself better, because it’s about disciplining yourself to turn away from the dark, as George Lucas says about how the Force works.  The Jedi know that it’s part of everyone (they teach it to their children in the creche, as Qui-Gon says).  The Jedi knew that of course it was possible to come back from the dark side, that’s why they help Quinlan and Prosset. But it does mean that the Jedi are absolutely right that the dark side is dangerous and, once it starts getting its hooks in you, it’s something you have to watch out for always.  That it’s a lifelong challenge not to go down that road, to discipline yourself away from it. Not just because that’s a good lesson for all of us, according to the narrative themes of Star Wars, but because Dooku: Jedi Lost shows us multiple instances of how the danger level of that lack of control SKYROCKETS in Force-users.  It causes visions to appear before them.  It makes them doubt their psychic senses.  They can’t tell if it’s the other person’s anger or their own.  Those feelings linger with them and swoop around their heads until they’re lashing out because of the psychic empathic overload, sometimes killing people in that rage that’s shrieking in their heads.  Dooku is frequently in screaming pain from the dark side invading him, because that’s what the dark side does. TL;DR:  THE DARK SIDE IS REALLY DANGEROUS AND WILL WRECK YOU IF YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  HALF-TRAINED FORCE USERS WHO DO NOT HAVE THE LEVEL OF MASTERY OVER THEMSELVES ARE SUPER SUSCEPTIBLE TO THIS AND CAN GET REALLY, REALLY HURT.  AND DO GET REALLY HURT. (Quotes from Dooku: Jedi Lost for context under the Keep Reading!)

Dooku and Jenza in the Serenno Assembly Hall:

     JENZA: (EMBARRASSED) We should probably get back. We’re not even supposed to be in here. (BEAT) Dooku?      DOOKU: (NARRATION) A carving had caught my attention—an immense beast, larger than any malosaur, crawling up toward the domed ceiling. The creature’s crested head was thrown back, jaw stretched wide, roaring at the stars that were painted across the apex. Spines ridged its powerful back, wings spread wide as if ready to take flight.      And then there were its eyes…eyes, though fashioned in stone, that burned with an intensity that was all too familiar…      DOOKU: What is that?      JENZA: The Tirra’Taka? Just another legend. “The dragon that holds the world together…”      DOOKU: It’s beautiful.      DOOKU: (NARRATION) I couldn’t look away, walking toward the sculpture as if in a trance. It looked so alive, so vibrant, as if any minute it could spring from the wall to crash through the columns that held the domed roof in place.      I could feel the creature’s heart beating in my own chest, its roar echoing at the back of my mind…      We also hear the roar of the Tirra’Taka. It’s distorted, low, rising in volume beneath the following exchange.      JENZA: Dooku, what are you doing? Don’t—don’t touch it, okay? It’s supposed to be bad luck.      DOOKU: So beautiful.     The ground shakes, dust falling from above.     DOOKU: (NARRATION) I barely even noticed the ground shifting beneath our feet, flakes of paint falling from the ceiling high above…     JENZA: What was that?     DOOKU: (WHISPER) Tirra’Taka…     JENZA: Dooku—don’t!     DOOKU: (NARRATION) My fingers brushed the stone…and the world was torn apart…     A groundquake hits, shaking the foundations of the assembly hall.     JENZA: What did you do?     DOOKU: (NARRATION) I snapped from my reverie, cracks snaking across the polished marble before us.     DOOKU: Me? Nothing? What’s happening?     Another rumble, stronger this time.     JENZA: It’s a groundquake.     DOOKU: (NARRATION) But it wasn’t the scrape of tectonic plates that caused me to clasp my head in pain, but an impossible bellow slicing through my mind as easily as plasma carves through flesh…     The beast roars in his head.     DOOKU: (SCREAMS IN PAIN)     JENZA: Dooku!     DOOKU: So loud.     Another roar. More rumbles.     DOOKU: I can’t—(SCREAM)     The full force of the groundquake hits, the walls cracking.     JENZA:We need to get outside!     Masonry tumbles from the domed ceiling, crashing to the ground nearby. All the time, the monster bellows in Dooku’s head.     DOOKU:(PAINED) Make it stop!     JENZA: Dooku! Please. We need to move before the roof comes down! Dooku!     The assembly hall collapses on them.

Dooku and Sifo-Dyas in the Bogan Collection:

    DOOKU: Hey. Look at this.     SIFO-DYAS: Seriously. That’s what you want to look at? There’s all these…scrolls and weapons and whatever that creepy mask thing is, and you want to look at a lump of old metal?     DOOKU: There’s something about it…something I’ve felt before.     SIFO-DYAS: Doo. Look at this. I think it’s a parang. We start to hear a noise inside Dooku’s mind, a growl like he heard in the assembly hall on Serenno. Low. Ominous.     DOOKU: (WINCES)     SIFO-DYAS: Dooku?     DOOKU: Can’t you hear it?     SIFO-DYAS: Hear what?     DOOKU: The beast below.     SIFO-DYAS: Okay. Very funny. Drop the act. This place is spooky enough as it is.     The growl intensifies.     DOOKU: It’s coming.     SIFO-DYAS: What?     DOOKU: Coming for us. Coming for me.     SIFO-DYAS: Okay, now you’re freaking me out. Let’s look at something else, shall we?     The growl becomes a roar.     YOUNG DOOKU: (HOLO-NARRATION) And then it was in front of me, Jenza, fangs bared, wings outstretched. The same creature you showed me in the Assembly Hall. The Tirra’Taka. I can’t explain how but I could see it, feel its breath against my skin, its spines bristling, ready to attack, ready to tear us apart.     DOOKU: (SCARED) No.     SIFO-DYAS: Doo, calm down.     DOOKU: Stay back!     SIFO-DYAS: Dooku, there’s nothing there.     DOOKU: Can’t you see it? Why can’t you see it?     Sifo-Dyas goes to grab Dooku, as—in the young Jedi’s head—the monster prepares to attack.     DOOKU: (CRIES OUT IN FEAR)     YOUNG DOOKU: (HOLO-NARRATION) I pushed out with the Force, every cabinet in the Archive shattering at once. Sifo-Dyas was thrown back, smashing into a wall as artifacts tumbled to the floor.     SIFO-DYAS: (GRUNTS)      Alarms blare.     SIFO-DYAS: (GROANS) Why did you do that?     DOOKU: It’s gone. The creature.     SIFO-DYAS: What creature?     DOOKU: You couldn’t see it?     SIFO-DYAS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. (WINCES)     Dooku scrambles up, running to his friend, glass crunching beneath his feet.     DOOKU: Are you all right?     SIFO-DYAS: (WHIMPERING) My arm. I can’t move it.     DOOKU: That doesn’t look good.

Dooku and Lene Kostana’s Confrontation:

    LENE: Why would I be testing you?     DOOKU: To see if we’re like you.     LENE: Like me? What about me?     DOOKU: I can…feel it inside you. Frustration. Anger.     LENE: Is that so?     We hear the roar of the Tirra’Taka in Dooku’s mind. Distant, but insistent all the same.     DOOKU: (WINCES)     LENE: Initiate?     DOOKU: I sense the dark side.     LENE: You do?     Another roar.     DOOKU: It must be stopped.     LENE: And you’re the one to do it?     DOOKU: Yes.     YOUNG DOOKU: (HOLO-NARRATION) I launched myself at Kostana, my lightsaber slashing through the air only to be blocked…     LENE: Not bad. Tera Sinube said you showed promise.     They duel more, lightsabers crackling.

[.....]     DOOKU: I knew it. [STRIKE] You are a Sith.     LENE: There haven’t been Sith [STRIKE] for a thousand years.     DOOKU: They haven’t been discovered, you mean? [STRIKE]     LENE: Ha. I like you, Dooku. A good fighter. [STRIKE] Brave. Willing to go toe-to-toe with a [STRIKE] Dark Lord. Or should that be Dark Lady? [STRIKE] I never know.     DOOKU: [STRIKE] I won’t let you win.LENE:And what exactly will you do? Summon the beast you heard in the collection? [STRIKE] The beast you hear now?     DOOKU:(SUDDENLY UNSURE) I…I didn’t hear anything.     LENE:Are you sure? [STRIKE] You’ve locked it away. [STRIKE] But it’s still in there. In your memory. I can feel it.     DOOKU:Stop it. [STRIKE] You’re evil. [STRIKE] And I will stop you.     The fight intensifies, Dooku forcing Lene back against the railing as he strikes again, and again, and again.     YOUNG DOOKU: (HOLO-NARRATION) I don’t know what came over me. I’d always been so careful to keep my emotions in check, just as I’d been taught, but…I couldn’t control myself. I hacked at her time and time again, forcing her back to the edge of the balcony. All I could feel was her anger. Her rage…at least, I thought it was her. I couldn’t think, I could only act…and all the time, her convor flapped around our heads. Cawing. Screeching. Ready to claw out my eyes, anything to protect its mistress…     LENE: (DROPPING THE ACT AS SHE REALIZES HE’S LOSING CONTROL) Okay. That’s enough, Dooku.     DOOKU:No, it isn’t.     He’s becoming frenzied.     LENE:Dooku. Stop. [STRIKE] Stop! [STRIKE]     YODA:(FIRM) Stop.     Yoda’s sudden appearance stops the fight dead. [.....]     DOOKU: She admitted it herself…She was talking…about Darth…Darth Sakia…     YODA: Sakia? There was no such Sith.     DOOKU: How do you know? We can’t have known them all.     YODA: But know Kostana we can. Reach out with your feelings.     DOOKU: I did.     YODA:  No. Reached inside you did.     DOOKU:  What?     Lene extinguishes her lightsaber.     LENE:  Go ahead. I won’t resist. Tell me…have I been touched by the dark side, Initiate?     We focus on Dooku’s still-ragged breath for a beat and then…     DOOKU: I feel…I feel nothing.     YODA: Dooku. Your lightsaber.     DOOKU: I’m sorry. I…     He extinguishes his own blade.     DOOKU: I was so sure.

Lene & Dooku on Asusto:

    DOOKU:  (UNSURE) Okay. Eyes closed, it is.     LENE:  Now reach out with your emotions. But this time, open your mind to everything, not just the light. Remember how you felt on Mantero.     DOOKU:  What?     LENE: The anger you felt. The betrayal. Remember how your sister looked at you. Remember her fear. [.....]     DOOKU: (NARRATION) I burst through the foliage, my lightsaber flashing. The Abyssin drew their pulse-blasters, but I was too fast for them, slicing through first barrels and then limbs. But then…I couldn’t stop. I don’t know what it was, my shame over what had happened on Mantero or the dark side amplifying my fury as kyber focuses plasma. By the time my companions reached the clearing, the Abyssin were dead. I’ve read that the lumbering aliens can regenerate limbs, but there was no coming back from these injuries.     Cautiously, Lene ignited her own lightsaber, as if wary of me…     LENE:  Dooku. It’s over. They’re done.     DOOKU:  No. Their evil remains.     DOOKU:  (NARRATION)I turned, slicing down the piled crates, cleaving the nerve disruptors in two.     We hear Dooku breathe hard for a few moments before extinguishing his lightsaber.     SIFO-DYAS: You feeling better now?     DOOKU: No. Not while scum like this still exists. This is what we should be doing, Sifo. Not meditating, safe within Temple walls. We should be out here, restoring balance by whatever means possible.     LENE: (WARNING) Dooku.     DOOKU: (NARRATION) It was as though she feared I would turn my ire upon her. Perhaps I would have, blinded by emotions I could barely control, emotions she had stirred by bringing me to Asusto. But I couldn’t have moved if I’d wanted to. None of us could. The moss Sifo-Dyas had first noticed had been slowly creeping into the glade, smothering the Abyssin’s corpses, rolling over our boots… [....]     DOOKU: (NARRATION)I could barely hear Lene screaming at me to stop, couldn’t even hear the squelch of the moss as it traveled up my legs and over my back, drawing me into a cocoon.My head was ablaze with voices, ghosts of the past and echoes of the future.     The ghostly voices assault him again, repeating, overlapping, becoming a cacophony.     GHOSTLY VOICE: (JENZA) Brother.     GHOSTLY VOICE: (YODA) Padawan.     GHOSTLY VOICE: (ARATH) Idiot.     GHOSTLY VOICE: (ANYA) Son.     GHOSTLY VOICE: (GORA) Freak.     GHOSTLY VOICE: (SAVAGE) Master.     DOOKU: (STRAINED) Stop them!     LENE: (PAINED) Padawans…this is an illusion…the dark side…     DOOKU: You can hear them, too?     SIFO-DYAS: The Force is with me. The Force is with me. (SIFO-DYAS REPEATS THIS OVER AND OVER AS A MANTRA, ADDING TO THE CACOPHONY.)     DOOKU: Lene. I can’t block them out. Help me.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (JENZA) Help him.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (YODA) Help him.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (ARATH) Help him.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (ANYA) Help him.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (GORA) Help him.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (SIDIOUS) Help yourself.     DOOKU: Lene! I can’t block them out.     DOOKU: (NARRATION) But Lene was gone, consumed by the moss. Sifo-Dyas, too, was swallowed up, the moss pouring into his eyes, into his mouth. My lightsaber was sucked from my hands, the lichen numbing my skin. I thrashed and twisted, trying to free myself, but there was no escape…     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (JENZA) No escape.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (ARATH) No escape.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (YODA) Escape.     OVERLAPPING GHOSTLY VOICE: (GORA) No escape.     DOOKU: (CHOKING) Help me. Somebody, please. Help—(GAGS AS HE’S SMOTHERED)     The moss squelches.     DOOKU: (NARRATION) I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t even breathe. I was completely cocooned, consciousness slipping away… [....]     Dooku’s scream dies in his throat like a man waking from a nightmare. He breathes hard as he finds himself back in the cavern. All is quiet. The chanting has stopped. Only a few of the torches are still burning, the others having gone out.Force lightning crackles over the rocks.     LENE: (COMING AROUND) Dooku? How did we get down?     DOOKU: (SHAKEN) I don’t know.     She pushes herself up.     LENE: (DISGUSTED) What’s that smell?     DOOKU: (NOT SHOCKED) The Presagers.     LENE: They’re…They’ve been burned to a crisp. But how…?     Dooku turns.     DOOKU: (SCARED) Master…I…     LENE: Dooku. Your hands.     DOOKU: (NARRATION) I looked down at the indigo light crackling around my fingers… [....]     DOOKU: But…what are we going to tell Master Yoda?     LENE: Nothing.     DOOKU: But this isn’t like Mantero. The things we saw. (ASHAMED) The things we did.     LENE: Dooku, listen to me. Yoda already has doubts about my work. He tolerates what I do, but if he found out I exposed two Padawans to the dark side…     DOOKU: He’d shut you down.     LENE: In an instant. This has to be our secret. Do you understand?     DOOKU: It doesn’t feel right. He’s my Master.     LENE: And it pains me to ask you, Dooku. But the work is too important, to the Order, to the galaxy as a whole. You see that, don’t you? Especially now. You’ve seen the dark side. You know what it’s capable of.     DOOKU: What I’m capable of, you mean.     LENE: No. No, I don’t. The visions. (DROPS HER VOICE) The lightning. That wasn’t you. It was that place. But you’re stronger.     DOOKU:“The Force is strong.”     LENE:“The Force is strong.” Don’t worry. Please. The future you saw, whatever it was, won’t come to pass. I can guarantee it. You’re a good man, Dooku. A good man.

Sifo-Dyas’ exposure to all of this causes him terrible damage:

    BRAYLON: While I cannot get involved, I have a friend who doesn’t give a damn what the Council thinks of her.     Footsteps approach.      LENE: Hello, Dooku.     DOOKU: Lene. Sifo-Dyas.     When he speaks, we realize that Sifo-Dyas has developed a slight stutter.     SIFO-DYAS: Your shuttle awaits. [....]      RAMIL: Increase the voltage!     The shocks intensify, as does Dooku’s resolve.     DOOKU: I am Jedi! And I am not alone!     The action moves back down to the ground…     JENZA: (NARRATION) Below, on the ground, Dooku’s blade buzzed in my ear, while Sifo-Dyas writhed on the ground beside me, his mind aflame…     SIFO-DYAS: It is now. Coming into focus. The future.     And then, belowground, the Tirra’Taka howling.     JENZA: (NARRATION) And beneath our feet, Lene struggled to hold Dooku’s beast in place.     LENE:No. You must remain calm.     JENZA: (NARRATION) For that was exactly what it had become. One mind.     LENE:(HORRIFIED) No.     JENZA: (NARRATION)Two bodies.     LENE: Dooku! Don’t!     The Tirra’Taka roars, louder than ever. [....]     Deep below, the Tirra’Taka erupts into the air, bellowing.     JENZA: (NARRATION) The creature burst from the shattered ground, scaled wings blocking out the sun. Sifo-Dyas laughed as he saw it, his sanity fracturing forever, as the droids looked up in confusion. But I knew what it was, a legend made terrifying flesh. Our savior. I sprang up, barging into the droid that held Dooku’s lightsaber, knocking it back.     JENZA: (SHOUTING) Attack them! Now!     JENZA: (NARRATION) The refugees snatched up the weapons we had stolen from the fleeing Abyssin, blasting the droids before they could regroup.     We hear the sounds of battle, and the roar of the monster.     SECURITY DROID: Attack the creature! Attack the—     Force lightning swamps the droid before it can finish its sentence.     JENZA: Energy burst from the Tirra’Taka’s maw, washing over the security droids. The monster swept down, snatching the melting droids from the ground, crushing their bodies between its hooked talons like magella nuts.A figure clung to its serpentine tail, fingers curled around obsidian scales. She jumped when she saw Sifo-Dyas curled in a ball in the dirt.

[p4nkow]

D is for Dangerous - part IV

Hey hi! It took me so long to finish this part but finally here it is. I really hope you guys are gonna like this second-to-last part of this fic. Let me know what you think of it!

Part I, Part II, Part III

Summary: driven by the desire of revenge, the reader tries to take down the man who ruined her life only to find out that her plan is an utter fiasco; however she meets a man that is gonna change her life and give her the chance of a lifetime

Warnings: use of weapons and a little bit of smut

You hoped the coldness of the water might’ve helped you clear your thoughts, distracting you. As you gave yourself a look in the mirror, water droplets were running down your cheeks, falling right in the sink. Your eyes, usually so cold and full of determination, were now the reflection of chaos. Lost and devastated — that’s how you felt.

I used to work for Kuklinski. No matter how hard you tried not to think at Four’s words, they kept echoing in your head. Not that you’d heard his story, given that you had literally ran off from him. You were starting to regret it, though, given that there was one simple question that was eating you alive.

Had he been part of the assassination of your parents?

As you moved your hair off your face your hands started to shake, perfectly describing how you felt just at the thought of Four being involved in it. Now that you finally knew why was he so mad at Kuklinski, you wished you didn’t.

You had to know more. You had to know if he’d killed your parents.

And that thought gave you the strength to get out of your room — even though you felt unsteady in your own feet, you forced yourself to keep moving. You felt like a robot, walking though the cold hallways of the building without paying attention to what was surrounding you.

And when you finally found yourself in front of Four’s door, it took you five minutes to find the will to knock. You closed your hand in a fist, trying to stop it from shaking as you waited for him to open it. Your thoughts were running wild and you were torn between the desire of punching him and the one of conforming him.

And when you finally heard the lock clicking, you still hadn’t made up your mind.

His green eyes immediately found yours. You lifted your chin as he clenched his jaw, unsure what to say. You tried to remain composed as you swallowed in vain, saying in an uncertain voice “Can I come in?”

Four didn’t reply — he limited himself to nod at your question and walk aside in order to let you come into his room. “I think it’s better if you sit down.”

You didn’t like the awkwardness of the moment but Four was right. You didn’t trust your own legs, so you sat down to his mattress. Your chest rise and lower as you took a deep breath, looking at your own hands in nervousness before looking up to meet his gaze.

”Did you?”, you immediately asked. You couldn’t wait any longer.

Four narrowed his brows. “What?”

It took you all the strength you had not to make your voice shake as you asked him in a cold tone “Did you kill my parents?”

Four parted his lips, as if he was trying to process your question. His golden hair was messier than usual and God knows how much he’d slipped his fingers through it during the last hour. “Bloody hell, Eight. No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t kill your parents. I have nothing to do with it.”

You wanted to believe him. You had to. The look in his eyes — so desperate and sad — suggested you that he was being honest, and you truly wished he was. You didn’t reply, you limited yourself to nod at his words. That’s probably what pushed him to add “Please, believe me.” His voice, so soft and low, almost broke at the end of the sentence.  

Even though you were trying so hard to avoid it, your eyes became teary at his words. You hurried to get rid of the few tears that had escaped and you raised your gaze to meet him once again. “I do.” You nodded to confirm your words and then you softly said “I’m— I’m sorry I just ran off.”

Four nodded as he leaned against the wall in front of you, arms crossed in his chest as his eyes never left yours. “No need to apologise. It was a bit of a shock, I know.”

“Yeah.”

Four exhaled deeply and the two of you stood quiet for a while. His past seemed to upset him, you noticed it by the shade of his eyes and by the stiffness of his posture. The fact that you were forcing him to open up was killing you, but you had to know.

“I need to know, Four.”

“I know.”

“You know it’s fair—“

“Yes, it is”, he murmured as he picked up a chair and sat on it. Even though he was in front of you, he kept the distance, which allowed you to think clearly about his words. You weren’t yourself when Four was around you.

It took him some time before he could finally find the courage to start talking about his story. “I was born in England, I think you got that from my accent. And yeah, Harry is my brother. He’s three years younger than me. The surname and the family is all we have in common, though. We never really bonded.”

Hearing of the relationship he had with his brother made you think of Emily. You wondered how she was, what was she doing, if she was thinking of you.

You started thinking of a mini-version of Four, his golden hair flying everywhere as he ran in a big, green field. And you felt incredibly sorry at the fact that he hadn’t been as lucky as you in matter of family.

“I— uhm, I might have asked you before”, you stated as he paused his speech. “What’s your realname?”

Four smiled. It wasn’t one of those forced smiles you were obliged to do as a sign of courtesy. Oh no, you’d known Four enough to know that he only smiled when he genuinely felt like doing it. He cleared his voice, rubbing his hands and saying “Billy.”

“Billy”, you repeated. You slowly nodded, trying to process the news along with the rest of the shocking ones Four revealed you. “You look like a Billy.”

“You look like a Y/N.” Your name coming from his lips sounded so different. It’d been a while since you last heard the sound of your name and it was quite a weird feeling. You were surprised by the fact that he remembered it.

“You remember.”

Four narrowed his brows and gave you a little grin. “‘f course I do.”

Geez, you truly hoped your cheeks weren’t turning bright red.

You cleared your voice and you looked away from him, playing with your hands and staying quiet for a while. But then you broke the silence by saying “How did you and Harry end up working for Kuklinski?”

There were still important matters to deal with.

Four lowered his gaze and rubbed again his hands, probably trying to find the right words. “At the age of eighteen I moved to NY and joined this group of people — they were the only friends I had. We were pretty good at parkour, actually, and we decided to use our skills to do something. To gain some money, y’know. Our business had been going on for a while when suddenly one day Harry called me. I didn’t know he’d moved to the US too, but he proposed me something. A job. At the time the idea of gaining some money by doing something I was good at tempted me. I was young and naive.”

You were trying to remain impassive at his story, bu you were miserably failing. That was Kuklinki’s power. He gave you hope, money, a purpose, but then he fucked with your life. He didn’t care about anyone but himself.

When you met Four’s eyes, you noticed they’d changed into a different shade. Darker, even deeper. “I didn’t know what part of Kuklinski’s business Harry was taking care of, until the day of the party.”

“And what did you do?” Your words were nothing but a whisper.

Four pursed his lips. “I was his ears and eyes, informing him of his enemies’ moves. He used to call me ‘the skywalker’.”

You were about to make him a question but he preceded you. “I know what you wanna ask me, and no. He never asked me to check on your parents. I didn’t even know they were involved with him until One gave me your file and asked me to recruit you.”

“He has a file on me?”

Four gave you the typical ‘Seriously? Right now?’ look and you shrugged. “He has a file on each and everyone of us.”

You slowly nodded at his words and you bit your lower lip. “When did you join the group?”

“I’d been working for Kuklinski for a few months — we were in Kiev, me and some other guys. And my girlfriend.”

Girlfriend? “Well, ex-girlfriend. She backstabbed me”, he added.

You gave him a questioning look and he leaned towards the back of the chair. “We had to spy on a powerful enemy of Kuklinski who at the time was hiding in Ukraine. Of course we took some liberties, too. We’d been told that the Kalahari — a jewel worth millions, if not even billions — was hidden in the house of an important functionary. As we broke into his apartment, someone called the police. Right before running away I’d managed to find it — God knows if I needed the money it was worth. We ran away in a rush and we had to climb an old billboard that was coming apart. I made one wrong move — I held on an old wiring but it broke on one side.”

“Geez”, you whispered.

Four pursed his lips and nodded. “To make it short, I managed to hold onto the corner of a building and as I was holding the jewel in my mouth, I asked my girlfriend to grab my hand and help me. But all she cared about was the Kalahari, so she grabbed it. I fell for six floors, maybe even more, right into a building. One was there, he showed me his plan and he recruited me. Now I’m working for a cause I believe him, I’m free from Kuklinski and my backstabbing girlfriend, along with my brother, are still working for that son of a bitch.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

Four slipped his fingers trough his hair and sighed deeply. “The things I’ve seen, the horrible things he made me witness—”

Four’s voice broke right in the middle of the sentence. Your heart sank at the sight of Four’s sorrow and you stood up, walking towards him. You slipped your fingers through his blonde hair, closing you eyes. His pain was almost touchable.

He raised his gaze to meet yours and your hands slipped on his cheeks. His eyes were teary and it broke your heart. Four, who had always been so strong and cocky, was falling apart in your hands. You leaned towards him and whispered “I’m sorry.”

His lips were just a few inches away from yours, but you hurried to eliminate the distance between you. Just like the first time you’d kissed him, his touch was soft but firm. He immediately placed both his hands on your cheek and the two of you stood up without backing away.

There was a difference between the two kisses, though — he didn’t reject you. Four kissed you back, deepening the moment by pulling your body close to his.

The two of you started to move back towards the bed and you made Four sit on the mattress as you sat on top of him. Your face was just a few inches away from his and his lips were so close that they almost grazed yours. In his beautiful, green eyes there was a look that you’d never seen before. The kind of look that makes you feel like if you have butterflies in your stomach.

He cupped your cheek and touched your nose with his, finally kissing you again. His touch was so soft that it gave you the goosebumps. You immediately leaned towards him, but you didn’t want to rush the situation. It was just as perfect as it was going.

Your hand slipped to his neck and then inside of his shirt, making your fingers run through his bare back. At the same time, Four’s hand was slipping through your arm with a soft touch.

His shirt was just being in the way, so you lifted it and took it out. His body was a masterpiece, with all his flaws. As you laid on top of him you gently grazed his torso, starting from his collarbone down to his lower muscles. You could feel his green eyes closely following your movements with caution.

He wanted you, you could feel and see that, and the sensation of his body pressed against yours did nothing but increase the need. But you had no chance to know how the strike could’ve been, what would’ve happened — it was a bloody dangerous mission. And that’s the reason why you wanted to enjoy every second with him, to feel at the very best all the emotions that his touch gave you.

“Eight”, he whispered, but sure as hell he wasn’t begging you to stop touching him. His hands moved to your hips, grazing your naked skin before getting rid of your tee. Four made his hands slip from your thighs to your chest, now only covered by your bra. His soft touch gave you chills and so you shrugged, making him giggle. “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful.”

You bit your lower lip at his words, placing your lips on his in a soft kiss. Your hands were exploring his chest — you just weren’t able to keep your hands to yourself.

Four explored your body, too. His calloused fingers grazed your back down to your sweatpants. You were starting to grow impatient so you backed away from his lips, placing your hand on his and pushing him to drop both your trousers and your panties. You stood up to get rid of them and right after they were long forgotten on the floor. “Bloody jeans”, you murmured as you tried to unzip them. Four giggled and helped you get rid of them in a hurry.

Your naked bodies fit perfectly and it felt so right. That thought left you breathless for a couple of moment so Four surrounded your hips with his arm and switched the positions, laying on top of you.

And immediately his hands were all over you, slipping from your bare chest to your belly and even further to your thighs. His green eyes were constantly checking on you, trying to spot the slightest change of mood, but you wanted him. You wanted him more than you have ever wanted anything or anyone in your life.

His soft and warm lips explored your chest, focusing on your boobs and teasing your nipples with his tongue. His gaze was so overwhelming that you had to look away, your hands gripping on the sheets as you tried to keep control. “No, love. Eyes on me.” He gently turned your head towards him as the other hand was firmly holding your hip.

You bit your lower lip and your hips automatically lifted against his touch as he gently kissed your lower belly. “So bloody beautiful”, He whispered.

“Four.” You couldn’t even recognise your own voice.

“You like that?”

You could feel the warmth of his tongue against your most sensitive zone and you just hummed in response — your breath was too heavy for you to say a meaningful word. His blonde hair gave you the goosebumps when touching your inner tight and you smiled at the memory of thinking how it’d have been to sink your fingers on it.

“You okay?”, He asked once he’d come back to your lips. His whispers and your heavy breath were the only sounds in the room.

You slowly nodded, almost begging “Please” before taking his face in your hands and placing your lips on his. He immediately kissed you back, deepening the moment and pushing his body against yours. He wanted you, and that’s exactly what his wood pressed against your lower belly was telling you.

And when he slowly sank into you his gaze never lost yours; your hands slipped through his bare back up to his neck, your fingers sinking between his blonde hair.

You surrounded his waist with your legs and crossed your ankles, trying to feel him as much as you could in each and everyone of his pushes. “Fuck, Y/N”, He murmured as he hid his face on your neck, his heavy breath caressing your skin as he kept sinking into you. He’d called you by your name, your real name, and if it wasn’t for the situation your eyes’d have become teary.

You both reached the culmination a few moments later, his green eyes never leaving yours as he grunted. When he laid down right next to you with a sigh, at first you were too worn off to say something. As the seconds went by you turned your head towards him, meeting his gaze already fixed on you. The sight of his tight smile made you chuckle, and he asked by widening his smile “What?”

“Nothing”, You said between the giggles.

“Was it bad?”

“Oh my god.” You hid your face on his neck and he surrounded your waist with his arm.

“Eight.”

“No, absolutely. It’s been great.” You placed your chin on his shoulder to face him.

“Good.” He pursed his lips but you could tell your words pumped up his ego.

“So, Billy”, you teased him with a grin.

“Yeah...”

“It’s lovely.” And you were being honest.

Four limited himself to just look at you, making you slightly blush. Your attention was caught by the scar that crossed his brow, so you slowly grazed it with the tip of your finger. “How did you get it?”

“Parkour isn’t exactly the safest thing on earth.”

“So you smashed your face.”

Four laughed again. “Yeah, sort of.”

“Can I ask you something?” A question had just popped in your mind.

Four limited himself to nod a ‘yes’ and you bit your lower lip, taking your time before saying “Why’d you reject me?”

His blonde brows were now narrowed in a questioning look. One of his hand was resting under his head and the light coming from the window made him look like Adonis. “Huh?”

“That day at the gym. You said that it was because of the stress I was under.”

“It wasn’t?”, He asked almost in a playful tone and you slapped him in his chest.

“’f course it wasn’t.”

Four pursed his lips and sighed deeply. “I felt guilty.”

“For what?”

“I used to work for the man that ruined your family, Eight. The look in your eyes every time his name was pronounced — I couldn’t forgive myself. I still can’t.”

His eyes were so clear and so honest that pushed you to place a hand on his cheek, making him look right at you. “I do, Billy. I forgive you.”

And the smile he gave you made your heart do a backflip. He didn’t reply, though. He kissed you, pressing your body against his.

One week ago you’d never thought to find yourself in this situation, but there you were. Right into Four’s arms.

His hand started to go up and down on your bare lower back, relaxing your muscles and making your feel even more comfortable. “Are you scared?”

He seemed to reflect on your question. “Just a bit worried.”

“You’ll be careful, won’t you?”

“And you won’t do anything stupid.” You were surprised to notice he’d realised how the strike made you feel. That it was something personal to you. You were going to face Kuklinski in a few hours and you were terrified. You were worried about your anger issues and you just hoped you weren’t going to screw things up.

But you were determined to take that motherfucker down so you confirmed his words. “No, I won’t.”

Fourteen days after the explosion – the day of the hit on Kuklinski

“Red really is your colour.” Five gave you a quick look from above her shoulder. Maybe she was right. The red dress you were wearing looked really good on you, but nothing compared to her and her green tube dress. She looked like a goddess.

Her hair was up in a fancy hairstyle but Two’d decided to make yours just slightly wavy.

“Isn’t it too much?”

She turned towards you and gave you the most confident smile you’d ever seen. “It’s never too much.”

You were about to leave for the strike and anxiety was eating you alive. You were determined to do it, but things could’ve gone terribly wrong. Your thoughts immediately led to few hours before, while laying in Four’s arms. In a different situation the thought of what you’d done would’ve made you blush, but not that night. You were worried sick.

Four had a major role in the strike and you just hoped he’d get away with it uninsured. The eight of you trained hard for this very special occasion, so you tried to stay positive. The plan was perfect in every singular detail.

“You look... différente”, Two said by looking at you with her eyes narrowed.

Her words caught Five’s attention, who simply replied “I’ll tell you what it is. She got laid.”

“She what?”, Two replied at the same time you almost screamed “Five!”

Your cheeks were bright red but thankfully you didn’t get the chance to continue the chat, thanks to a knock on the door.

“You girls ready?” One voice came muffled from behind the door. You exchanged a quick look with Two and Five before following them to the hallway. The heels you were wearing weren’t the comfiest thing ever, but you knew how to move. They weren’t that big deal.

When you got to the dining room, everyone was there. One was wearing a bulletproof vest and he was making sure that his guns were loaded. Two was standing right next to you and she was following closely Three’s movements — you were pretty sure they had something going on, too. The latter was tying his jacket with an amused grin on his face.

Then there was Four, in his typical jumpsuit and a black beanie covering his blonde hair. But it wasn’t his clothing that got your attention — his green eyes were all over your body. His intense staring brought back the memories of the previous day and you were sure you’d blushed hardwhen his eyes met yours. He winked at you and you shook your head in amusement, making your gaze run to the rest of the group.

Five was now chatting with Six and they were gesturing towards the gas can she was holding. Seven was on his own, closely cleaning his rifle in silence.

“Okay guys, it’s time.” One looked at each and everyone of you. The determination in his eyes made you actually believe that you could make it. That you could finally take Kuklinski down.

“Let’s do this”, Six said with a big smile, followed by Three who said “Ay papi, we’re gonna take that motherfucker down.”

“Merde à tous.” You didn’t speak french, but you smiled at Two’s words anyways.

“Y’all know what to do, so let’s go.” Seven was the first to get out of the door, followed by Five.

Nervousness was eating you alive and the thought of facing Harry — Four’s brother — and then Kuklinski did nothing but make you sweat even more. As the rest of the group left to the cars, you were about to follow them when Four grabbed your hand.

You gave him a look from above your shoulder, followed by a smile. “Be careful, ‘kay?”

Four tightened the grip on your hand at his words and you just pursed your lips, fully turning towards him.

You let go of his hand only to place it on his cheek, looking directly at his green eyes. “Please, please stay alive.”

Four exhaled deeply before placing his lips on yours. It wasn’t a soft, delicate kiss like the ones of the day before. He kissed you with passion and desire, with desperation, almost as if he never wanted to let you go. You truly wished you never had to leave, you didn’t want to get in that car and leave him behind to do his job,

But you had to.

So you backed away from him, caressing his cheek for the last time before clearing your voice and whispering “Let’s go.”

The ride to Kuklinski’s building was silent. Extremely silent, except for Six’s little taps on the steering wheel. It was just the two of you plus Five. Two and Three were coming on another car, One was directing it all from a roof as Four and Seven were taking their positions.

When you finally got there, you gave a last look at Six. He pursed his lips, holding the wheel a little tighter while saying “Good luck, girls. I’ll be waiting you.”

You smiled at him before getting off the car, standing right next to Five. You didn’t start walking and neither did she, so you turned towards her. You didn’t say anything, but from the look in her eyes you knew she wanted to say something, too.

There was no time for pleasantries.

The earpiece was well hidden under your curled hair as you walked through the metal detector undisturbed. One was a bloody genius. You grabbed your briefcase and gave Five a quick look as she took a seat in the waiting area as you walked toward the reception.

“Good morning. How can I help you?” A blonde, middle-aged lady politely smiled at you.

“I have an appointment with Mr. Longbourn.”

As the lady checked your words on her laptop, your hands were starting to sweat for the nervousness. You forced yourself not to give a look around you, trying not to look suspicious, and the lady looked right at you only a few seconds after. “Mr. Longbourn is ready for you, Miss. His office is in the fourth floor.”

You thanked her in a whisper and a polite smile before walking towards the elevator. You knew there were cameras watching you as the elevator lifted, so when One asked you through the earpiece “Eight, you okay?”, you limited yourself to hum “Huh-huh.”

“Zip line secure”, you heard Four saying through the earpiece.

“It’s a good ride, One”, Seven said. Their chats were helping you not to overthink, distracting you. “A little scary up here, but...”

“Nah, this is fun. Don’t be a pussy, Seven”, Four immediately replied and it made you smile.

When you got to the fourth floor you switched off your earpiece, so that you could only communicate with One. As much as you wanted to hear Four and make sure he was fine, he was a distraction. A big one.

Harry’s office was easy to find — his name was written all over the wall glass. Funny how he was the exact opposite of his brother. At least Four wasn’t a bloody criminal. Not anymore, at least.

You knocked at the door before entering the room, getting ready to out in place the greatest play in the world. “Mr Longbourn”, you said with a smile, catching his attention.

His eyes moved from the laptop to you, but when his green eyes started to run all over your body, it was nothing compared to Four. Harry’s staring repulsed you. “It’s Harry for you, my dear.”

He shook your hand and you took a seat in one of the chairs right in front of his desk. Now that you knew his story, you could tell that he was trying to hide his English accent by faking an American one. Little did he know.

“I recall that you’re leaving for an international meeting tomorrow, am I right?” You really wished he wasn’t Four’ brother so that the group could take care for him because of his actions.

You faked a smile. “I am, indeed. You recall correctly.”

“You’re even prettier than the last time I saw you.”

Filthy bastard. You truly hoped Four wasn’t paying attention to your little chitchat with his brother. “Thank you, Harry.”

“So”, he said by rubbing his hands “what have you got for me?”

You never had the chance to reply because of the gunshots. A lot of them, probably coming from the lower floor. Harry’s attention had been caught by them and he didn’t notice you extract a gun from your briefcase. “Hands up”, you said with a grin by pointing the gun at him.

His brows were narrowed in surprise, his lips parted because of the shock. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I said hands up”, you repeated in a higher tone, given that he hadn’t done as ordered.

Harry placed both his hands on his head and you carefully walked towards him, still pointing the gun at him as you searched him looking for a weapon. You clicked on the earpiece and told One “Harry’s clear.”

“Good”, he immediately replied and you noticed he was out of breath. “Bring him to the meeting point.”

You heard other gunshots as you tried to avoid Harry’s shocked gaze. “Who are you?”

The tip of your gun was pressed against his back and when he gave you a look from above his shoulder you simply said “I’m Eight. Now shut up and walk or I’ll make you.”

“I did nothing wrong”, he tried to justify himself.

“Yeah”, you puffed. “Nothing at all. Try telling that to the families of all the people who’ve died because of you and your fuckin’ boss.”

On your way to the upper floor you met one of Kuklinski’s guard. Right before he could shoot at you, you killed him. It was wrong, so bloody wrong, but it had to be done. He fell to the ground like a puppet. Harry gasped and you tried not to think about what you’d just done. “Eight, the floor is clear. You’re free to move”, Seven told you through the earpiece.

Holding Harry’s shirt with one hand and the gun with the other, you walked upstairs. Your senses were on alert, ready to spot the slightest movement of your enemies. Harry didn’t say anything, but on the last step of the stairs he turned towards you. He tried to disarm you by bending your arm — he might’ve had the brute force needed, but he wasn’t trained like you and sure as hell he wasn’t thinking clearly.

Your grip on the gun was firm when you pushed away Harry’s arm and kicked him right in the undercarriage, making him grunt of pain. All you had to do was push him a little to make him sit down on the stairs and you pointed your gun right at his head. “Tell me, Harry. Have you ever watched Chicago?”

“What?” He was seriously confused.

“Chicago”, you replied. “The musical with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Renée Zellweger.”

“Yeah, I guess so?”

You leaned towards him so that your face was just a few inches away from his, but you made sure your gun was still pointed at his forehead. “You try to do that one more time, and you’ll end up like one of those boys. I may be a girl, but sure as hell I’m stronger than you. I can still blow your head off.”

Where did those words come from? This wasn’t you.

The sound of broken glasses made you smile, giving you the sign that the plan was proceeding as planned. “Eight, you okay?”

You sighed in relief by hearing Four’s voice. You forced Harry to stand up and you pushed him into the room where Two and Three were waiting. You spotted them in the distance but you couldn’t see them clearly. “I’m fine, yeah. Where the hell are you?”

“Got stuck at the roof. I’m on my way.” And by doing so he switched off the earpiece.

Thank God Four was fine.

“The floor’s clear, Eight.” Seven was monitoring the situation in the distance and you just nodded at his words.

Only when you walked towards Two and Three you noticed they were pointing their guns right at Kevin Kuklinski. You froze right behind Harry, your hands starting to shake at the sight of the men that had killed your parents.

“Eight.” Two caught your attention and you slowly moved your gaze to her. She nodded at you, silently saying to move closer to them.

So you did — you pushed Harry who complained quietly and you made him sit down to a chair right next to Kuklinski.

It was the latter who broke the silence by saying “I know you.”

Now that Harry was being monitored by Three, you could finally look at Kuklinski. “Do you remember me?”

Those bastard’s eyes — so dark that they seemed black — were fixed on yours. You had your father’s eyes and he’d probably recognised them. “Y/L/N”, Kuklinski said with a smirk. A strand of grey and black hair had fallen into his forehead and if he didn’t have his hands tied, he’d have probably moved it.

“In the flesh.” You tightened the grip on your gun, holding it with both hands.

“I remember your parents. How silly they’ve been in trusting me.”

Your knuckles had turned white and you were trying to contain yourself. Without looking away from him and his cold eyes, you asked Two “Where’s One?”

“On his way.”

“Fuck.”

“They got what they deserved”,  Kuklinski kept going. What was he trying to do?

“Shut the fuck up.” You switched on the earpiece. “One, where the hell are you?”

All you heard from the other side were gunshots.

“Do I know you?” Harry had a very bad timing.

Footsteps were approaching you and they caught Three’s attention. Kuklinski’s guards were more numerous than you expected and they just kept coming. “Shut up, Harry.”

“We killed her parents”, Kuklinski said with a grin. “You should’ve heard them begging for mercy.”

That was enough. Without thinking twice about it, you pointed your gun at Kuklinski and fired. Again and again. The thud of the gunshots was echoing in your ears and you felt numb. You just couldn’t feel anything.

“Hey”, Two said by placing a hand on your shoulder. “He’s dead.”

Without even realising it your eyes’d become teary, you bit your lower lip to make it stop shaking and you lowered the gun.

Kevin Kuklinki was finally dead. He’d gotten what he deserved and it felt so good. So right.

It wasn’t the right time for celebrations, though. Half of the group was still in trouble, and there was still Harry to be taken care of.

“Four?” No answer. You exchanged a quick look with Two and Three but they just shook their heads. “Four?!”

When Four finally replied, your heart sank. “He’s gonna kill me.”

Taglist: @maccasbeard @radiob-l-a-hblah @queen-turtle-boiii @desperatelytryingtosavemyself @sara-1705 @queen--sherlock @allthethingsicant @hells-personal-bitch @owensgrxdy @amy-brooklyn99 @dep-thx @ken-yee-not @mazzelloqueen​ @caborhapch​ @jonesyaddiction @mightbeidfkalien @pink-lemo @dreamingaboutyousworld @multi-fandom-iimagines @just-bookish @simonedk @roseslovedreams @dreamingaboutyousworld @cheeseedreams47 @hyungbean @livesnearthecity @blushingwueen @ariesxslytherin @grave-details​

let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist :)

[jtsodergren]

The Best of 2019

2019, what an exceptional year for movies! A great way to close out the shittiest decade! Here are the 50 best films I saw this year... click on the title to go to the IMDB page, and I’ll try to post a link to where you can see many of them. Also for the first time this year, I’m including MOM WARNINGS! My mom reads this list and sometimes actually watches these movies... so to save her some grief, sadness, or general concern for my psyche, there will be a NOT FOR MOMS!! warning where applicable... here we go!

50. STAR WARS - EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER (Amazon)

People really hated this movie... I actually really liked it! Aside from the horses running around on the outside of spaceships (which makes no fucking sense... didn’t Leia get all space frozen exactly one movie ago??), it was a satisfying conclusion to a franchise I guess I don’t really care about as much as other people, so I was into it!

49. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM (Amazon)

Quickly becoming one of the more well produced action franchises of all time. Probably two too many machine gun shootouts in this one for me (I get a little exhausted with gun violence), but the hand-to-hand stuff is brilliant and bloody and badass! Not to mention the deepening of the mythology and Halle Berry and her dogs. It’s a fun time, a welcome addition to the series, and I can’t wait for number 4.

48. QUEEN & SLIM (Amazon)

Billed as the black BONNIE AND CLYDE and from first time feature director Melina Matsoukas, this atmospheric tragedy is gorgeous to look at, delivers a pair of standout lead performances, and proves to have one of the more stressful final 30min of any of the films I saw this year, even if you know the inevitable conclusion is just around the corner.

47. UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (Amazon PRIME)

A wild Los Angeles noir story from the director of IT FOLLOWS. Plays like if David Lynch directed THE BIG LEBOWSKI, a weird, screwball whodunit. It’s a little long, and there are so many loose ends that seem to be thrown in just to fuck with the protagonist (and the audience), but it’s a really fun time and you’ll want to stay to the end to see it all play out. LA looks gorgeous too.

46. KNOCK DOWN THE HOUSE (Netflix)

Truly inspiring. Really shows how if you put your mind to something, believe in yourself and that you can make a difference, you can accomplish anything. Regardless of your political leanings, or how you feel about AOC personally, this is well worth your time and it has a great message for young people, especially those young women of color who might not think they can achieve great levels of success. It made me cry the happy tears.

45. LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (Amazon)

Best known for it’s remarkable 59min-3D final take, this hallucinatory journey through memory and dreams is mind-blowing and breathtaking. Hard not to leave this one feeling like you’ve been put though some kind of experiment that you don’t fully understand, but you’ll want to experience again. Highly recommended if you have access to 3D, or simply have some killer edibles and want to be thrown for a loop.

44. CLIMAX (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of being under the influence, holy shit is this film nuts! From Gaspar Noe, who if you’re aware of his work, you kind of already know what you’re in store for here. It’s been described as “FAME directed by the Marquis de Sade”... incredible dance sequences and audacious camerawork that slowly but surely devolves into hell. It’s a blast!

43. HAIL SATAN? (Hulu)

A fresh and funny documentary about a group of smartass Satanists exposing the hypocrisy amongst bible-thumping Christians who’d rather stomp their feet and be the loudest in the room than listen to anyone else’s perspective. Frustrating and entertaining in equal parts, this compulsively watchable film makes you want to scream at these Jesus freaks as much as you want to laugh along with the antics of these harmless, intelligent and organized troublemakers. An excellent time well spent.

42. FIRST LOVE (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

Director Takashi Miike’s yakuza action-comedy is the most accessible of his films I’ve seen (he’s now made more than 100 movies, which is insane), but that doesn’t mean it’s not a gonzo wild time at the movies. The violence is here in full force, but unlike AUDITION or ICHI THE KILLER, you don’t need a barf bag close by to enjoy it. It’s often hilarious and moves at a breakneck speed. Super fun!

41. THE DEAD DON’T DIE (Amazon PRIME)

Jim Jarmusch’s star-studded, droll zombie-comedy came and went from theaters without much fanfare, but provided me with plenty of laughs. It’s also the second of 3 Adam Driver vehicles to be on this year’s list. Bill Murray and Driver lead the way along with plenty familiar faces in cameos throughout (including the RZA in one of my favorite scene’s of the year). Classic Jarmusch... a meditation on death and mortality in his vintage style.

40. EL CAMINO: A BREAKING BAD MOVIE (Netflix)

Dude, Aaron Paul is a legit GREAT actor. Picks up right where the show left off, and I was on the edge of my seat and filled with anxiety just like I was during the best moments of the now classic series. It was good to hang out with my old friends again.

39. DOCTOR SLEEP (Amazon)

A box office flop due to poor promotion and a title people weren’t familiar with, this sequel to THE SHINING is based on the Stephen King book of the same name, which I read, and I can’t recommend it more. Great suspense, and fantastic performances from both Ewan McGregor and (especially) Rebecca Ferguson. It’s a dark and scary film that is a fun trip back to the Overlook Hotel... provided you wish to return there...

38. THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO (Amazon PRIME)

About 90min into this beautifully shot film I was ready to lock it in as a possible Top 5 contender. Then the bottom fell out for me the last quarter of the movie and lost my confidence. No bother, it’s still wonderful enough to find a spot on the list and carry my recommendation. Young men and women watching their city change before their eyes, and wondering what the concept of “home” really means is a real challenge facing many people here in the Bay Area. This film does a fantastic job conveying that, for most of the film anyway. 

37. THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON (Amazon)

A bonafide crown-pleaser of a movie, and another example of the true talent Shia LeBeouf has and is capable of (more on him later). A young man with Down Syndrome escapes his assisted-living facility to track down his wrestling idol the Saltwater Redneck with the help of an outlaw and a social worker. Sweet, funny, and heartfelt... a feel good surprise.

36. A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD (Amazon)

I didn’t cry nearly as much as I did during the excellent documentary WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR from last year, but if you’re a Mr. Rogers fan, you’ll still shed a few during this heartwarming film. Tom Hanks does his thing, and even though this movie is guilty of borrowing a little too much from the previous doc, it’s still a great showcase for the truly selfless and beautiful force of nature that Fred Rogers was. Bring tissues anyway.

35. CARMINE STREET GUITARS (In Theaters Now)

A love letter to both New York City and the art, joy, and love that goes into honing and maintaining one’s craft. Meanwhile the looming doom of gentrification hovers over the proceedings, never letting you get fully enrapt in the sweetness that these artists (and their many famous customers) exude when talking about and playing their one-of-a-kind works of art. A stunning and lovely piece for musicians and talentless fans of music alike.

34. HOLIDAY (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A tough, cold film with nary a character to actively root for... until after about an hour of icy behavior comes (no pun intended) a scene so shocking in its graphic and disturbing nature, people left the theater without staying for the final resolution. First time director Isabella Eklof pulls off the bold and audacious maneuver, all while making it seem like she doesn’t care whether you like her characters (or her film) at all. It’s a very fine balancing act, executed to perfection. But be warned... it’s rough.

33. AVENGERS: ENDGAME (Disney+)

What can I say? You saw it. It’s good. A bunch of Supermans fly around and blow shit up. A satisfying end (until the next 20 films).

32. MIDSOMMAR (Amazon Prime)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A disturbing slow burn of a gothic horror film. Characters do hallucinogens while ritualistic religious murders and tribal mating practices threaten to ruin everyones existence. Florence Pugh is phenomenal (more from her in a minute) in a very trying roll. Doesn’t pack quite the punch of the director’s last film, HEREDITARY, but it’s still well worth the watch. But yeah, it’s disturbing.

31. APOLLO 11 (Hulu)

A fascinating look at the first moon landing from rarely seen archival footage and audio. Seeing it on the IMAX screen was intense and exhilarating, unlike narrative pictures like the severely overrated FIRST MAN. This isn’t my favorite documentary of the year, but it is an absolute lock to win the Academy Award for Best Doc of 2019. It’s a must see, a must experience.

30. HIGH LIFE (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

French auteur Claire Denis’ bizarre, erotic sci-fi mindfuck about isolation and humanity is not for everyone, but is a brilliant take on the genre, and is yet another showcase for Robert Pattinson, who is quietly becoming one of my favorite working actors. Juliette Binoche also is on fire here and has what one critic calls “the single greatest one-person sex scene in the history of cinema.” So it has that going for it.

29. TRIPLE FRONTIER (Netflix)

A fully loaded heist film with no real bad guy, but instead a group of recognizable badasses in a Netflix-released action thrill ride. There’s absolutely no reason this should’ve worked, or even been half as good as it is, but boy is it good! Compulsively watchable, and rewatchable. If this were on Showtime as much as DEN OF THIEVES is I’d have seen it 30 times by now. It’s one of the most pleasant surprises of the year.

28. 1917 (Amazon)

An unbelievable visual achievement from cinematographer Roger Deakins and director Sam Mendes. The story isn’t the greatest war story ever told (are there great war stories?), but it’s shot to look like one continuous long take, sustained for 2hrs. It’s really an unbelievable feat, but doesn’t come off as gimmicky or distracting. It’s intense, beautifully staged, and sad. A big screen spectacle. 

27. TOY STORY 4 (Amazon)

Woody and the gang are back, and the films continue to keep the dust from collecting. It’s still so much fun to hang out with this group of misfit toys. There was talk that after the incredible TOY STORY 3 this was just a money grab and was labeled unnecessary, but I found it to be a sweet, charming, and nostalgic trip I was glad I took.

26. HONEYLAND (Hulu)

My pick for documentary of the year comes from the mountains of Macedonia, where a woman named Hatidze lives with her dying mother making a living cultivating honey. When a family of shitheads moves into a shanty next door, what seems like a fix for her lonely existence becomes catastrophic as they disregard her teachings and threaten her livelihood. I was an emotional wreck throughout the experience and it goes without saying it’s a must-see. Gorgeous and heartbreaking.

25. LITTLE WOMEN (Amazon)

I have never read the book, nor seen any of the film adaptations, so I went in blind to this lovely film. Director Greta Gerwig follows up the phenomenal LADYBIRD with this Altman-esque rendition of the widely beloved literary classic. I found it exceptional in its execution and performances, including the previously mentioned Florence Pugh, who is a knockout. A wonderful addition to the ever-growing stable of Christmas films I look to enjoy during future Decembers.

24. GREENER GRASS (Hulu)

It’s as if Tim & Eric made BLUE VELVET. Bizarre, outrageous, gross, and a guaranteed future midnight movie favorite. My sides hurt. A satire skewering upper-middle class suburban soccer moms and dads alike. Babies are given away. A boy turns into a dog. Everyone has braces. There’s a creep on the loose. It’s wild and flat-out hilarious literally from start to finish. Almost too many jokes to keep up with. Watch it! Bring weed. 

23. RELAXER (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of gross, this film is disgusting, but in a good way. A satire about lazy consumerism and self-destruction. It’s a short hang, thankfully, but if you can stomach it to the end (remember, it’s nasty) you’ll be rewarded with not only a hilarious dark comedy, but also an unexpected haymaker of sadness you didn’t see coming. It’s a pretty impressive feat, and an overall success. But, yeah, it’s fucking gross. 

22. AD ASTRA (Amazon)

APOCALYPSE NOW in space starring Brad Pitt. If you need more information than that, I don’t really know what else to do for you. 

21. SLUT IN A GOOD WAY (Amazon PRIME)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A black-and-white raunchy French arthouse teen comedy that gives a middle finger to the double standard set by the equally raunchy teen-boys-will-be-boys genre. It’s so much fun, and honest, and the actors are such natural talents you forget the subject matter is at times shocking (only because of said double standard) and just go with it. I think it’s just wonderful. Seek it out!

20. US (HBO)

Jordan Peele’s excellent follow-up to GET OUT. Doppelganger home invasion terror with a killer twist. To describe more would be to risk giving something away. I’ll just say that Lupita Nyong’o is my pick to win her second Oscar, this time as Best Actress, here in a dual role. She’s incredible. If you haven’t seen it, try to go in blind, you’ll be rewarded.

19. THE FAREWELL (Amazon PRIME)

A heartfelt homecoming film about family, culture, and how the things we don’t say can be just as strong of a show of love as the things we do say. It’s sweet, tender, and bursting with personal flare and emotions from director Lulu Wang. Awkwafina also curbs her more manic and loud tendencies as a performer for more quiet, thoughtful, and somber choices. She’s phenomenal. 

18. KNIVES OUT (Amazon)

A clever ensemble whodunit that’s just as funny and smart as it is mysterious. Everyone across the board delivers as the assorted motley crew. The film rewards repeat viewings and Daniel Craig knocks it out of the park, stealing every scene he’s in, reminding us all what a fantastic actor he can be when he’s not sipping the Vespers. 

17. BOOKSMART (Hulu)

The female SUPERBAD is the elevator pitch, but this coming-of-age gem is really unlike any other example in the genre. They’re privileged, uber-smart, and have never partied. Yet they have the same neuroses as any other teen scared to death of what to do next or how to be normal. It’s also fucking hilarious. You wanna hang out with these girls and at the same time bury your head under the covers because you feel their pure terror/embarrassment. It’s a blast.

16. THE MUSTANG (Amazon)

Starring Matthias Schoenaerts, one of the finest actor’s working today, this understated and emotional drama about rehabilitation and redemption floored me upon first viewing. It is a gorgeous film. You’ve probably seen stories similar to this before, but rarely is one told with such compelling conviction. A borderline masterpiece. 

15. HONEY BOY (Amazon PRIME)

Remember a few years back we had the McConaissance, where everything Matthew McConaughey did was solid gold after years of middling bullshit? I’m calling it right now: Shia LaBeouf is about to have the same thing. He wrote the script and plays a version of his own father in a brutal version of his own fucked up childhood as an up-and-coming child actor. It’s heartbreaking and absolutely riveting. I’m hoping he gets an Oscar nod, but regardless I implore you to seek this film out, he’s incredible. 

14. MONOS (Hulu)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A bizarre, bewildering, chaotic, and unsettling film. Some of the most beautiful photography I saw on the big screen this year, yet some of the most surreal and disturbing imagery as well. It’s a militarized, Latin American LORD OF THE FLIES with commentary on tribal behavior and violence. It can be a tough sit, but boy is it beautiful. 

13. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (Netflix)

What a wonderful, welcome surprise! Eddie Murphy in an awards caliber performance as Rudy Ray Moore, the multi-hyphenate performer who created the alter ego Dolemite, spawning a film franchise and many legendary comedy albums. It’s obviously hilarious, and a great behind-the-scenes biopic, but also shockingly sweet and heartfelt, even between all the cuss words. I even teared up a couple times. The 3rd best thing Netflix released this year (more on that in a minute).

12. JOKER (Amazon)

You already saw this.

11. THE IRISHMAN (Netflix)

It’s far too long. It could’ve done with being cut as a three part miniseries or special. There’s about 45min worth of scenes that are quintessential DVD bonus features (I’m looking at you Action Bronson), but goddamn if it’s not Scorsese doing his Scorsese thing. It’s a gangster film, but it’s also a meditation on aging and death. Pesci is incredible and Pacino steals the show. Sure, the de-aging thing is distracting, the curb stomping scene is embarrassing. But still, I mean... IT’S MARTIN SCORSESE!

10. PAIN AND GLORY (Amazon)

Pedro Almodovar’s most personal work to date, a tale about making art and the loneliness of love. If you are unfamiliar with his work, this is a great jumping off point. His movies can be challenging and dark, but this film has such joy and hope amongst the heartache. The final reveal, while not earth shattering on paper, is nonetheless so moving it left the screening I attended without a dry eye in the place. It is his best film yet. 

9. THE LIGHTHOUSE (Amazon)

From the director of THE WITCH comes another type of gothic horror, this time with the legendary Willem Dafoe and the (already mentioned) brilliant Robert Pattinson marooned on a lighthouse rock alone to drive each other completely insane. It’s hallucinatory, violent, disorienting, and flat-out brilliant. If it weren’t for another guy we’ll get to in a minute, Dafoe would be a lock for Best Supporting Actor here. It’s a slightly challenging film, with the period style mariner dialogue, but it’s just as funny as it is terrifying.

8. JOJO RABBIT (Amazon)

A beautiful, touching, funny, crowd-pleasing comedy about a little Nazi whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Yep, your read that correctly. There are about a million reasons this should absolutely not work. Yet, it’s one of the best theater going experiences I had this year. A must see... ESPECIALLY with Mom!

7. MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix)

The best written and acted film of the year, and the third Adam Driver vehicle to appear here. Sad but honest. Touching but brutal. It’s awkward and a bit of a bummer, but there’s such great work being done here, in front of and behind the camera. Noah Baumbach is a force of nature, and has yet to make a film I was even iffy about. He’s the real deal and this might be his masterpiece. 

6. WAVES (Amazon)

Speaking of auteurs, Trey Edward Shults is now 3/3 on features after the brilliant KRISHA and IT COMES AT NIGHT. Here he follows a middle-class black family, led by a domineering father, through a tragic moment in all of their lives. The first half deals with the son’s story, then abruptly switches to the daughter’s life post said event. It shouldn’t work, yet somehow manages to be one of the most emotionally affecting pieces of art I saw this year. The camera never stops moving, constantly swirling and whirling and you can’t help to be sucked up into it. It’s a beautiful tragedy.

5. LONG SHOT (HBO)

The biggest and most pleasant surprise of the year. An opposites-attract rom-com with more brains, bite, social commentary, and laughs than it has any right to have. Easily the most fun you’ll have with (almost) the whole family... there’s a lot of cum jokes. But don’t let the vulgarity dissuade you! It’s a total riot with just the right amount of sweetness to balance out the saltiness. I love love love this movie.

4. THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (Hulu)

What starts as a strange, dark comedy morphs into a FIGHT CLUB-esque thriller with allusions to disturbingly toxic masculinity and an offbeat take on what it takes to “be a man.” It is laugh-out-loud hilarious, and expertly made, while really having something to say, and it says it in a way I’ve never really seen before. It’s not surprising this didn’t get more attention, the characters are truly difficult to relate to, let alone root for, but as far as originality goes, you’d be hard pressed to find anything this year much better than this. 

3. UNCUT GEMS (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

The cinematic equivalent of being locked in the brain of a lunatic having a cocaine-fueled anxiety attack. If that sounds like fun (AND IT IS!!!) then this is the film for you! Oh, and Adam Sandler is going to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor. For real. It’s a chaotic, stress-filled masterpiece.

2. ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (Amazon)

My favorite filmmaker’s 2nd best film. A personal story about the love of film during the late 60s, a time of dirty hippies and Charles Manson, as well as the passing of the torch from old Hollywood to the “golden age” of cinema. It’s a fairytale of sorts, with Tarantino’s trademark flare for spontaneous violence and mining multiple genres to make his most mature work since PULP FICTION. I’ve been rewarded with new takeaways upon each subsequent viewing, and my love and appreciation for it only grows and grows. Brad Pitt is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, he’s magnificent. It was always going to be my #1 with a bullet no matter what, because it’s just that great...

1. PARASITE (Amazon)

...but then Bong Joon-ho, the master of new Korean cinema unleashed PARASITE. Not only is it the best film of 2019, it’s one of the best films I have ever seen. Like EVER ever. He is in such astonishing control of his craft it’s hard not to sit back and marvel and the sheer skill on display. You can be laughing one moment and then recoiling in horror during the same breath. He’s using multiple genre tropes, incredible set design, pitch perfect acting/writing, and such exquisite planning you can’t possibly know what’s in store for you from one scene to the next. It is an absolute masterpiece and if it doesn’t sweep every category it’s nominated for at this year’s Oscars, it’ll be a travesty. If you have even a passing interest in film as an art form, the power it can wield, and the messages it can convey, you owe it to yourself to see this film. It’s perfect.

Well, there it is. Thanks for reading any part of this. Now go see PARASITE. I love you.

[everygame]

Spider-Man (PlayStation 4)

Developed/Published by: Insomniac Games / Sony Interactive Entertainment Released: 07/09/2018 Completed: 10/12/2019 Completion: Finished the main story and literally everything else in the base game outside of the random crimes on normal. Trophies / Achievements: 87%

So I’ve actually mentioned this a couple of times in previous reviews… but reviews of movies. That’s right! I watch those. So yeah, I’ve mentioned having to tear myself away from this to watch The Irishman (shouldn’t have bothered, not that it’s not good, it’s just that my folks hadn’t seen it and what else are you going to do during the Christmas break?) and then how this game made me think about “canon” within the context of the somehow enjoyable and yet truly awful Rise of Skywalker (enjoyable/awful in the bad way where it’s not enjoyable because it’s bad… listen just read the review if you care, and if you want to complain about my feelings about Star Wars please write your complaints on a postcard, roll it up and shove it up your arse.)

If you’ve read those, you’ll have ascertained that I clearly loved this enough that it was hard to like, do anything else other than play it when I had free time, and to get over any vague discomfort at having to live with yet another Spider-Man continuity. Really, writing this at the end of the decade (although you’re reading it well into the new one) I’m struck by just how masterful Sony has been in fostering its AAA exclusives, creating complete packages in the 2010s. It’s long had a bunch of second party developers that I have honestly struggled to differentiate (listen, I thought this was from the Infamous devs, not the Resistance devs???) but they’ve all slowly improved into producing games that aren’t just fancy graphics. Hell maybe even Ghosts of Tsushima will work out. I mean that Richard Garriott-ass white guy they had playing the shakuhachi dedicated his life to the instru... fuck I can’t be arsed completing that sentence.

(Of course, exclusives are kind of a ridiculous thing nowadays, and I’m definitely not saying that the exclusive nature is what made these titles good. But I am surprised to discover that I’m stanning so hard for them.)

Anyway. Spider-Man PS4 is a surprising one to me because a large proportion of its content is defeating waves of enemies in arenas, which apparently I have never enjoyed and even here I’m not wild for it. But then I think about what a bad time I had with Mad Max, which did the “do a short level” design instead (with tedious, obscure, downright bad level design) and I think how much worse it could be. And then you get to that the upgrades on offer aren’t that great (the first one you have is as useful as any of them???) which removes another of the things that you usually find fun about these open world games. And yet I never once got bored of this. Did I mention that they even use Pipe Dreams mini-games like this is 2007 or some shit???

Now, this could come down to that I love Spider-Man, and I’m actually pretty open to anyone who wants to say this is shit and they didn’t care about the story or whatever. I’d have to argue that it’s simply that it’s so similar to your Last of Uses and that: controlling Spider-Man is so pleasing, so rewarding (even with it using… too many buttons, honestly) that flying around the city or beating dudes up was always enjoyable. I died several times in this and never felt the need to bump the difficulty down, too.

It’s probably also that while the game suffers a lack of some variety (whenever you’re recapturing a base) there’s pretty much always something to do. Collectables aren’t annoying to find, and even fillers like checkpoint races are fun because of the swing mechanics. I honestly used fast-travel rarely, and actually had a bunch of the main missions clumped together at the end because I’d just swing around doing this or that on the way to the missions. 

Plus those main missions are pleasingly cinematic! And not just in the “things exploding” way. There’s some actual pathos in Peter’s story and some wonderful, blockbuster movie-quality character work/relationship stuff (by which I mean: far better than your usual game). Sure, there are definite flaws (they rush to get a bunch of big villains in like it’s Spider-Man 3, or something, and it just doesn’t need it) but the entire thing is extremely satisfying and it makes some big swings (even if at the end of act 1 I thought they were going to do something amazing, but they chicken out.)

Spider-Man is pretty much as good as one of these things gets.

Will I ever play it again? I bought the DLC on sale before even finishing this and my plan is to play through it all after a wee break because I want to enjoy the world for a while longer. I never, ever, ever do this.

Final Thought: It’ll be quite interesting (and possibly unfair) to compare this to Arkham Knight when I finally get around to it, considering I was so hard on Arkham City when I played it. I didn’t even mention that Spider-Man’s stealth is only ok (it does that thing where it just reveals you eventually, which always feels unfair) but I did like that it has a dodge, rather than a counter, making spider-sense feel different enough from Arkham that it doesn’t feel like you’re just playing the exact same thing as in Mad Max. So who knows how I’ll feel!

[whillsofstars]

Chapter 14

REY-----------------------------------------------------

It seemed like barely any time had passed since Rey took her first steps on the craggy island where she had first begun her journey as a Jedi. Back then, there were so many questions, so many details of her life left unknown, and while she had come farther than she imagined at the time, there was still so much left unanswered.

The thundering crash of the ocean’s waves upon the enduring rock of the island - Luke’s island - brought her mind back to the present. She had come for a reason, and that reason was to find Kylo Ren. Still, she wasn’t entirely sure what would happen when she found him.

Taking one quick look back at the Falcon and making sure she had closed the landing pad (preventing another infestation of porgs), she began her ascent up the ancient steps cut into the rugged terrain.

The imposing rock of the island was carpeted with the same, lush greenery she remembered from her last visit. Could it have really been over a year since she last stepped foot on Ahch-To? Time was funny that way. A year had passed before her and she hardly felt as if much had changed since she first made contact with the legendary Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. And yet, so much was different. She was different.

Her mind moved to the memory of Luke’s first lesson about the living Force. Out of instinct, she placed her hand firmly into the plush greens covering the island and closed her eyes, giving into the interconnected world of the Force. Warm and cold. Life. Death. Peace and violence. The balance. She could still feel it all at once. Everything existed together, even the light and the dark.

But there was a difference in the dualities of the island that didn’t exist before. Now, she could feel him - Kylo - and with him, a tumultuous energy, almost like a battle waging itself across time and space between both of the life forces that resided within his soul. I’ve seen raw strength like this only once before, a voice whispered in her memory.

A slow breath escaped her lips. She needed to recenter herself. Kylo’s wild Force signature threatened to overcome her calm, meditative state.

When peace settled back into her mind, she pushed her energy outwards trying to pinpoint his exact location.

Almost instantly, surprise overtook her emotions and her eyes snapped open to meet the gaze of those standing just before her. A gasp escaped her lips as she struggled to maintain her footing, preventing herself from falling backwards.

The source of the shock stood just mere inches away from where she stopped to meditate. While still struggling to regain her balance, Rey’s eyes rose to meet the gaze of the one before her, Alcida-Auka, the matron of Ahch-To’s caretakers.

“Alcida!” Rey gasped. “Where did you come from?”

Alcida-Auka continued to stare searchingly, as if trying to stitch together the meaning behind Rey’s return. Rey didn’t know much about Alcida-Auka, other than how highly intelligent she was...and that she was one of the caretakers who was almost crushed by the boulder Rey split in two with her saber...and that she was one of the first to respond to the damage Rey had caused to her hut. Come to think of it, Rey was almost certain that Alcida-Auka must have been thankful to see Rey leave. Admittedly, Rey always felt bad about that.

Alcida-Auka continued to stare at her, arms crossed. Her gray lips pursed into a fine line.

When it seemed that neither of them would be the first to break the silence, Rey let out a long sigh. She had some apologies to make. “Alcida, I ask for your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the other caretakers,” she began, casting her eyes down before continuing. “I left a lot of damage the last time I stayed with you.”

She paused at the memory of her first visit, so eager was she to begin training with Luke Skywalker. Being back on the island and knowing that he wouldn’t be here reopened the wound that she had believed had been healed. A lump began rising in her throat, threatening to bring tears to her eyes.

Seeing Rey’s distress, Alcida-Auka shed her icy demeanor and gently placed a weathered hand on her shoulder, offering what little comfort she could. “No one’s ever really gone, child,” she said in her gentle, motherly tone.

Rey’s head snapped up so that she had a better look at Alcida-Auka. “You speak Basic?” she asked in complete surprise. Being from a planet as remote as Ahch-To without modern technology, Rey had assumed that Basic had missed the Lanai. In fact, not a single one of the caretakers had spoken to her the last time she was here.

“We’ve had visitors like yourself come and go since the beginning of the Lanai,” she clarified. “At some point, one of them shared this language with us so that we could better assist future visitors.”

Now she understood. The caretakers had been giving her the cold shoulder as punishment for the damage she caused.

“There’s been more visitors to Ahch-To?” Rey had assumed that no one had known about this little planet.

“Jedi Skywalker was not the first, no,” Alcida-Auka confirmed. “The temple has called to a handful of others since its birth. All of them took this knowledge to their deaths.”

“Were they all Jedi?”

“No. Some were children of the Dark. Others did not possess the gift,” she said casually.

Rey paused a moment to consider this.

Sensing her opening, Alcida-Auka posed a question of her own. “Why have you returned to us?” she demanded. “You left in such a hurry the last time, the Lanai believed that to be the last we would ever see of you.”

“Oh.” Yes it was true. She did leave in quite the rush. After discovering the truth about Ben Solo and Luke’s betrayal, Rey rushed straight to Kylo Ren naively believing what her vision had shown her when they touched hands.

It would appear as though not much had changed, for she found herself yet again chasing after Kylo Ren.

“Alcida, I’m actually here because I’m looking for someone,” she began. “Is there a man visiting Ahch-To now? He’s quite large - tall, that is - taller than me. His skin is pale. Dark hair. Deep brown eyes.”

Alcida-Auka said nothing as if considering whether or not to help Rey in her search.

“Please Alcida, it’s very important that I find him,” she practically begged.

“He’s here,” she said curtly. “But let me make this clear young one. Bloodshed is forbidden on the home of the temple,” she warned waving one small, gray finger in Rey’s direction.

“Alcida, I’m not -”

“Is that understood?” Alcida-Auka said cutting her off.

“Yes, of course,” she said, surprised at her sternness.

“Good,” she said with a nod before turning around and making her way back up the side of the island. “I’ll take you to him, but first I will show you where you shall stay,” she called not bothering to address Rey, who was now trailing behind her.

“Why is it that the children of the light and dark never get along?” she mused more to herself than to Rey.

Together, they climbed the steep steps carved into the side of the island. All around them porgs were fluttering about, minding their own business. While she didn’t want another family to take up residence in the Falcon, Rey had to admit there birds were a little cute in their own way. There was something about their round, sad faces that seemed to soften her heart.

They were about half way between the Falcon’s landing pad and the ancient huts when tiny droplets made contact with her cheek announcing the fast approaching downpour.

Rey quickly withdrew a poncho from her satchel and draped it over her head and shoulders. It was just in time, for the second she threw it on, the rain grew harder. Alcida-Auka had nothing to shield herself against the pelting rain, though it didn’t seem as though she minded. Not too long ago, Rey would have been elated to let the water fall upon her skin, forming small rivers across her body if the rain was heavy enough. Water was such a precious commodity on Jakku, but here, there was an abundance of it. Its coolness against her skin refreshed her mind, body, and spirit. To think she spent years in the desert without experiencing the true healing effects of water. But now, she was all too quick to shield herself from the small, glass-like droplets that she once welcomed with joy.

Well, maybe a few things have changed, she mused.

Soon enough, they reached the cluster of stone huts nested on the side of second highest peak on the island, which provided a spectacular view of the ocean below them.

Alcida-Auka led Rey to the hut settled slightly higher than the rest. Rey secretly cursed Alcida’s choice. It was Luke’s hut. The metal door still hung ascue after Chewbacca had ripped it off entirely. Inside, the small space appeared seemingly undisturbed with what little possessions he kept arranged neatly in crevices around the perimeter. Old blankets were settled, neatly folded on a stone slab that barely passed for a bed. Next to it, an old wooden chest rested on the floor.

Rey paused a moment, considering the chest. A pull like two magnets was drawing her closer and closer to the chest. She had felt this same pull once before on Takodana.

“Be careful what you find,” she warned as Rey bent down, pulling back the lid with a creak in protest.

With the exceptions of one bundled mass of fabric she was surprised to find it empty. Rey retrieved the bundle, which was heavier than she expected and slowly began to unwrap the layers of cloth. When she finally removed the last piece, the silver hilt of a lightsaber lay resting in her hands.

Rey turned it over, admiring the craftsmanship of the hilt. This blade, despite its apparent age, was in near-perfect condition, as if the time that overtook Luke’s features had completely passed over the saber entirely. It was beautiful, a true work of art that concealed the purpose of the blade.

And now it calls to you, a voice from a distant memory insisted.

Rey had an urge to ignite Skywalker’s blade and take in the full beauty of this elegant weapon, but decided against it, remembering that Alcida-Auka was still with her. The last thing Rey needed was to accidentally cause more damage to the property the Lanai were charged to maintain, so she wrapped it back up and returned it to the chest.

Rey turned to Alcida-Auka and asked, “The man who came here earlier, was he not interested in the lightsaber?”

Alcida-Auka almost chuckled at her question. Rey’s brows furrowed in puzzlement.

The eldest caretaker looked up at her then. “When I was about to offer him this hut, he stopped dead in his tracks,” she recalled. “And then he told me that he ‘would never share the same space as Skywalker.’”

At the memory Alcida-Auka released a small laugh before continuing, “His face, pale as it already was, turned even whiter as if he encountered a spirit. I gave him one of the huts at the farthest end of the colony.”

“Oh,” was all Rey managed to say. It dawned on her then that Kylo was still scarred by his uncle’s attempted murder. How sad, she thought.

“He made his way to the Jedi temple earlier this morning. There is where you will find him.”

“Thank you Alcida,” she said quietly.

Alcida-Auka gave a silent nod and shuffled toward the door, but paused before opening it and turned to address Rey. “Remember what I said,” she warned, waving a finger in her direction. “Bloodshed is forbidden here.”

“I haven’t forgotten.”

Alcida-Auka gave her a hard look, weighing the truth of her words. When Rey remained silent, Alcida-Auka seemed to accept her promise, and with a final, curt nod, exited Luke’s hut, leaving Rey alone.

Now that she was removed from the scrutinizing eyes of Alcida-Auka, Rey returned to the chest and hurriedly retrieved the saber. She didn’t want to admit it then, but she was secretly thrilled to find another saber, and in such good condition. She turned the weapon gingerly over in her hands. There was something about this saber, much like the one she carried, that called to her deep down in her spirit. Why this family’s swords drew her in so much, she didn’t know.

She glanced behind her at the door, as if she could feel Alcida-Auka’s glare penetrate the thin metal. But for now, she was truly alone. She had to know what this blade looked like alive.

Rey cast her worries aside. The saber ignited with a dull hiss, casting a green glow on the objects around the hut. The hum of it seemed to mingle with the energy of the Force within her - within all things. Like the first time she practiced with her saber, when she held it ignited in her hand, it was as if nothing else mattered. There was just her, the blade, and the embrace of the Force around them. Rey felt alive, as the adrenaline rushed through her veins.

“Wow,” was all she managed to say before flipping the switch and returned it to the chest, making a mental note to come back for it later. She had her own ideas in mind for a new construction, one that would better fit her fighting style. Rey wondered if Kylo would help her with it like he had when she was repairing the one they split in two. She couldn’t be certain of his motives. Which begged the question: could he really be persuaded to come back to the light?

There’s someone who still could, the same voice as before echoed in her memory.

Maybe she’s right. Rey had sensed something different about him when the bond opened again. This time, there may be a chance.

-------------

Time seemed to move slowly as Rey continued the trek up the unforgiving terrain of Ahch-To. A few of the ancient steps crumbled beneath her feet, the mix of salt, wind, and time had worn them down to their now fragile state. The higher she climbed, the faster the wind raced around her, sending chills to her bones. After adjusting to the more temperate climate of the Kashyyyk forests, Rey had almost forgotten about Ahch-To’s harsh conditions.

How did Luke live - no, survive - here for so long? she questioned before another more timely thought passed through her mind. How long would it take to convince Kylo to come with her to the Resistance?

In truth, she had barely an idea of what she was going to say, let alone what she would do when she finally saw him in person. Nerves slowly began building in her stomach, but she tried her best to ignore them. Worrying never helped her on Jakku, and it wouldn’t help her now.

By the time she finally reached the entrance to the Jedi temple, Ahch-To’s binary suns were making their way towards the horizon, flooding the craggy island and the ocean below with a warm, golden light.

She stepped through the entry and made her way towards the tiled mosaic, where a faint tickle of water collected in the stone basin below it. Rey moved to gaze at the figure crafted in the basin meant to show the duality of the Force. If only for a few seconds, she was content to soak in the tranquility it seemed to project.

Liquid gold washed over the water’s surface which served to illuminate the figure resting at the bottom of the pool, thanks to a slit in the temple’s side facing the horizon over with Ahch-To’s suns would set. Upon taking a closer look, Rey noticed a dark outline casting a shadow marking the water black.

She glanced up, and her breath hitched upon finding the source of the shadow. It belonged to Kylo Ren.

But he wasn’t facing her. Instead, he was gazing out at the horizon, his cape billowing gracefully around him as the wind from the sea rushed into the temple.

He must have heard her gasp because he whirled around to face her, though he remained silent. Rey could feel his Force signature tense slightly as if he was shaping it around himself to serve as armour.

Both of them remained rooted to the spot in which they stood, neither entirely sure of the other’s intentions. Finally, Rey mustered the nerve to break the tension in the growing chasm of unknowns that lay between them, and made her way to stand at his side. With every step closer, his eyes, now a deep chocolate brown in the golden light, continued to trail her until they were face to face, just a mere foot apart.

Hazel eyes met brown, each filled with more questions than answers, as the two continued to contemplate each other. His eyes quickly darted from hers to the temple’s entrance and back again. The turning emotion behind his eyes created an intensity that would have intimidated anyone else in the galaxy, but not Rey. Despite this man’s meticulous efforts to block people out, she saw pain, worry, anger, distrust, and confusion reflected in them.

Without having to ask, Rey answered the question nested in Kylo’s thoughts. “There’s only me,” she said quietly, meeting his gaze with as much softness as she could give.

A gust of wind blew against them as Kylo silently considered the truth of her words. He seemed to relax just a little before his lips parted slightly, allowing a long, deep breath to fill his lungs.

“We’ll see,” he said, just before Kylo closed his eyes, slowly exhaling. As he did so, Rey felt a wave of energy pulse through the Force, touching everything on the island, searching for life.

Kylo appeared so peaceful and Rey couldn’t help but think of how unconventionally handsome he looked. His dark hair, like his eyes, now shown as deep brown in the sunset. His skin, which was usually so pale, actually looked healthy with a little bit of color. Rey’s heart tightened when she examined his scar - a permanent reminder of their opposition. Then there were those full lips of his. The way they parted ever so slightly as he took a breath. They looked so soft.

Rey felt heat rise in her cheeks at the thought, quickly casting it away as Kylo’s eyes opened ending his search.

Confirming the truth of Rey’s words, he visibly relaxed, letting his shoulders set naturally while releasing a sigh. It was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Not only that, but his Force signature, which had been so tightly wound eased until it was no more of a hum of energy filling the space around them. If she could feel this, there was no doubt left in her mind about the power that the man before her possessed. But she wasn’t afraid of it.

At that moment, a new question seemed to flash across those chocolate eyes of his. She didn’t know how - the bond maybe - but Rey instinctively knew what he was thinking before he came out and addressed her. “What does this mean? Why are you here?” he said, voice soft and even.

She swallowed, not entirely sure that she had an answer. When she looked down in thought, she was surprised to find that Kylo’s hands were without his gloves, bare to the world. It almost seemed to be an invitation or a reminder of the last time she was on Ahch-To, when they had first realized the extent of their strange bond. Would those same hands be any different now?

Giving in to her curiosity, she slowly reach a quaking hand out to take his and welcomed the unexpected warmth of them. She smiled at the size difference, his being so massive compared to her smaller, slender ones.

Kylo tensed immediately at her actions, clearly not expecting this. A small chuckle escaped her lips at seeing his unease and she turned to watch the binary suns descend towards the ocean’s horizon. Darkness was beginning to overtake the light.

“You’re not alone,” she assured him after several moments of silence, finally answering his questions.

Though he said nothing, Rey knew the importance of those words between them. He gave her hand a small squeeze and took a step closer. Both of them were content enough to linger in this moment, two lonely people sharing in the comfort of each other’s presence with the knowledge that neither faced isolation for the time being. For in this moment, they had the support of one another, where time and the war and their troubles meant nothing and felt galaxies away.

Light and dark remained in silently entwined in one another until the last sliver of gold faded into the black of the night, and the brilliance of a million stars danced above them.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13