#and said my piece about him being gay and having been with louis for 12 years etc

[permrry]

.

[1ddotdhq]

◟̽◞̽ Tues 24 Nov ‘20 🐠

Grammy Nominations and Live Shows OH MY!!

LOUIS’ BACK!!! And I don’t mean “oh he liked something on Instagram” or “oh he tweeted about a RHCP concert”, I mean he’s going to be doing a VEEPS LIVESHOW! And so we solve the mystery of the Spotify vids (they were a stage!): a few hours before the announcement, he tweeted, “Hope you’re all doing alright. Exciting stuff coming up!!”, and then left the masses to wonder what could possibly be happening and when. Three anxious hours later: “So excited to announce that I’m getting my band and crew back together to put on a special show for you all that will be streamed December 12 [!!!adkhfkadhfjj!!!] and will be available for 28 hours after. The show will support 5 important causes very close to my heart”. The causes Louis Tomlinson Live From London will support are FareShare (they redistribute food to communities in need), CrewNation (the LiveNation COVID crew fund), StageHand (similar to CrewNation, but UK based), Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice, and paying Louis' own touring crew! The tickets go on sale TOMORROW. If you can't afford one, Luke Massie (founder and CEO of Vibe Tickets) is giving funds away on twitter to fans who want to watch the show! “I’ll do my best to help as many of you as I can see him and his amazing crew perform,” he said. Louis has said that there is no cap on the ticket sales, so I’m taking him at his word and hoping that Veeps is prepared for what's about to happen (they're REALLY not lol.)

And that’s not all!! The press release for the show promised “songs from… ‘Walls”...alongside a few surprises” (I - could it - new music????), as well as “an exclusive range of new merchandise” that comes out tomorrow! The merch proceeds will go to the charities listed above. And! The Telegraph published an interview! Louis promises AN UPCOMING NEW ALBUM (“I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives”). He says again that he wants to move into the KMM style rock sound, “I think there were some songs where I took slightly more risk and owned what I love, saying, this is who I want to be..there is a certain energy in [KMM], in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate. People are struggling at the moment so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.” He says that he wants this next album to be more optimistic, because that is who he is, but new songwriting is HARD during a pandemic: for him (like for all of us), his days have fallen into a routine, and so he has no ‘new experiences’ to draw from. And, once again, Louis brings up John Frusciante and how he “fucking wishes” he could chat with him. Louis - drop your RHCP stan account PLEASE! We also learned that fans were RIGHT in speculating that he’s been in LA recently (though likely not for the reason the Telegraph wants us to think). About his travels, Louis says, “[The spot he goes to] is remote and kind of weird, and I’m going to go there for three days and write. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to it... it’s got some very interesting (peculiar?) locals who live there...it feels like you’re going back in time when you’re there.” ANY COMMENT, @/visiteroda??? And, in a rare look ahead, Louis reveals that he wants to manage an all-women’s rock band playing instruments (hey, friend, you know where women could play instruments? YOUR OWN BAND, MY DUDE! Just a suggestion). He said that his process with Syco had become “challenging and frustrating” because the kinds of artists he wants to develop aren’t “ready-made” - he sees a lot of artists that were “rough and ready” but labels want to see “something that works straight away”. But with Syco dust in the wind he can get back to it: HELL YEAH! The band he’s currently got his eyes on is Fickle Friends (an indie Brighton all-female rock band); he says this is the kind of band he wants to manage, “because there’s no one in that space. And I know eventually if I don’t do it, someone else will!”. Guys, I say this a lot, but really, Louis is about to make some WAVES in that space and I can’t WAIT to see it play. But first the concert, please!

AND!!!!!! Harry has been NOMINATED FOR THREE FUCKING GRAMMYS!! GUYS, HE MADE IT! The categories he is up for are: Best Music Video (Adore You - the TASTE), Best Pop Solo Performance (Watermelon Sugar), and BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM! I know that we’re always like, Grammys mean nothing, and how can we feel otherwise 1D was never nominated, but this is a MILESTONE in his career, and I am so happy to see his work getting the recognition it deserves! There were no nominations for him in the general field this year (artist or record of the year) BUT just you WAIT. Everything that Harry does makes me think that he is gearing up for a very long and successful career and I am. Very Happy for him. And so is everyone else! Harry’s friends, family, colleagues, and labels have all been quick to congratulate him on his well deserved recognition. In other Harry news, we got some stills from an Austrailian movie called “Holding the Man” which bear remarkable similarities to the Golden music video. (Were Harry's Vans really in there as a tribute to the film or did that part just work out very well for him??) The movie and the song don’t have anything in common thematically except being gay, but it really looks like a visual homage to this film (or, my personal theory, a fix-it fic to give it a happy ending!). And! Harry was papped on the DWD set with Florence Pugh again today, in a suit and an opulent background - it’s hard to make out Harry’s face, but I think we can guess that it's beaming in pride, as it should be.

GQ Spain did a piece on Liam’s Hugo capsule, praising it for being “the utilitarian style” (“the star trend of 2020”). They’re very nice about it, and seem to be genuinely interested and like the color scheme of the clothes: “the monocolor look...is an irrefutable argument in men’s clothing”. They also praise the collection for being an example that “you don’t need to spend hours in front of a mirror to dress like the best dressed men on the planet”. All of these were meant to be compliments, I SWEAR! Niall was around on Twitter yesterday, reminiscing about the time when some fans asked Justin Beiber to take pictures of them with Niall, it's true Niall that IS hilarious and also good psychic timing: that's EXACTLY how relevant Justin Beiber should be (yes I AM bitter the Weeknd was ROBBED). He also congratulated Shawn Mendes for his documentary, “So proud of this boy. He’s smashed it and always so humble. Well done to everyone involved.X”. I have not seen this documentary but if there are any more “Camila Cabello orders bananas at sushi restaurants moments” PLEASE let me know!

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, here is a rec list of bottom Louis fics that involve a love triangle. We tried to choose fics where Louis or Harry have feelings for more than one person or have to make a choice between two or more people by the end of the fic. For each fic, we specified who the people competing for Louis’ or Harry’s heart are. We hope you enjoy all these fics. If you do, be sure to give the writers love and reblog this post! Happy reading.

1) We Are Wide Away | Explicit | 9091 words | Sequel | Harry vs. Liam

Liam watches Louis, his closed eyes, the way his skin is shining with moisture, the flutter of his lashes against his cheeks; when he looks up Harry is staring at him, watching him in turn.

2) Doesn't Have To Be A Real Thing | Explicit | 12532 words | Harry vs. Nick Grimshaw

In which Harry helps Louis get over his ex and it kind of becomes a regular thing. It’s totally casual – they have an understanding. But what happens to Harry when Nick reappears in Louis’ life?

3) Maps Can Be Poems When You're On Your Way | Not Rated | 18974 words | Harry vs. Liam

Harry falls in love with the guy his best friend is fooling around with.

4) Bloom | Explicit | 24887 words | Harry vs. OMC

Note: This fic has been locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

When they first meet at Harry’s flower truck, Harry falls hard but Louis’ unavailable. Only before long, Harry reignites a spark that Louis thought long forgotten.

5) If This Is It, At Least We Can End It Right | Explicit | 26369 words | Sequel | Harry vs. Zayn

Note: The first fic isn’t endgame Larry, but the second one is.

Harry breaks Louis and Zayn's there to pick up the pieces.

6) Sweet Dreams Are Made of This | Mature | 29982 words | Harry vs. Zayn

Loosely based on The Wedding Date. Inspired by 27 Dresses. Basically, Fake Boyfriend AU with a twist. Louis' sister is unknowingly getting married to the ex who broke his heart. When faced with the prospect of turning up alone, Louis panics and hires a corporate escort named Harry. General chaos and epic jealousy ensues.

7) The Blood Is Rare And Sweet As Cherry Wine | Explicit | 33569 words | Harry vs. Henry Cavill

“Sex therapy?” Louis asks, cocking an eyebrow.

To his credit, the doctor doesn’t blush, “An extremely personal and efficient form of therapy, Mr. Tomlinson.”

“Oh?”

“Should you and your husband wish to, I would be eager to help you in any way I can offer.”

8) Maybe We're Perfect Strangers | Explicit | 39849 words | Harry vs. Niall

When an EDM festival in the Caribbean touts itself as a “life-changing and transformative experience,” Harry’s not too sure he buys into it. Regardless, Harry wants nothing more than to please his best friend, so he goes along for the ride. What he doesn’t expect is to fall head over heels for the festival’s organizer who Harry discovers is also the object of his best friend’s affections.

9) With Stars Of Brightest Gold | Explicit | 41109 words | Harry vs. Henry Cavill

Louis Tomlinson is the premier courtesan at the Moulin Rouge. In his dreams, he has always wanted to be a famous stage actor. Locked into his contract, he has little means of escape until a handsome duke promises him freedom with a romantic alliance. Due to a case of mistaken identity playwright Harry Styles is thrown into the mix, compelling Louis to choose between his head or his heart.

10) Some Things Take Root | Explicit | 50269 words | Harry vs. OMC

Note: This fic has been locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

AU. Louis’ ex doesn’t get jealous of anyone besides Harry. Harry helps Louis use that to his advantage. 

11) The Bachelor | Explicit | 53953 words | Louis vs. many men

Note: This fic has been locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

The one where Harry dates six other guys and still falls in love with Louis Tomlinson.

12) Amazing Sin | Explicit | 56034 words | Harry vs. Liam, Louis vs. Taylor

Gears started turning in Louis’ head$. Purely mischievous gears that had Louis formulating a revenge plan against Taylor. He’d had enough of sitting around and taking it. If she was going to call him a whore, then fine, he’ll act like one for real. “I’m going to say something, and as my friends you are obligated to love me anyway.”

 “This can’t be good,” Niall said, Zayn just groaned.

“So I know we have this strict ‘no lashing back at Taylor’ rule with me, but what if I can get press revenge a different way?” Louis asked. He wasn’t expecting an answer, because they knew by now to just go with it. “What if I stole her boyfriend?”

13) Every Story Has Its Scars, Ours Is A Brand New Start | Mature | 62859 words | Harry vs. OMC

Life as a devoted husband and an amazing father turned out to be a little different than Louis had expected. Everyone tells him it doesn't have to be that way; that he's worth more and that he's so much stronger than any one person trying to keep him down. It's all just words though until he meets the one person who makes him truly believe it.

14) Curly Bun Man | Not Rated | 68600 words | Louis VS. OFC

I just paid for these Doritos but they're stuck in the vending machine and I know you've been waiting but I am not going to let you buy something until you help me. AU

15) This Wicked Game | Explicit | 70010 words | Louis vs. many men

An AU in which The Bachelor is gay, Louis is a contestant, Harry is the bachelor, everyone drinks a lot of champagne, the entire world gets to watch them fall in love, and no one plays by the rules.

16) You Drive Me Crazy (But It Feels Alright) | Teen & Up | 102036 words | Harry vs. Nick Grimshaw, Louis vs. Luke Hemmings

Note: This fic has BH mentions.

Bridget Jones' Diary AU.

“Harry is not short for Harold,” he corrects, his voice as thick as molasses. He lowers his eyes to Louis’ sequined lapels, rubbing one between two fingers. “Is this small or extra small? It looks lovely.”

Louis breaks away from his grip with a petulant huff and pushes him back with two fingers.

“You’re mocking me. Again.”

Harry smiles and it's a real honest swoop of his lips this time. Louis’ stomach swoops with them.

17) Blue Ice | Mature | 102967 words | Harry vs. OMC

An AU where Louis finds himself in a marriage he didn't bargain for.

18) Fucking Animals | Explicit | 116687 words | Harry vs. OMC

Louis is the frontman of an equal rights-movement, author of a book about beta-omega marriage and the struggles of being born and boxed into a personality you don't necessarily feel you fit. The notion that an omega must want to be with an alpha or else he or she's just settling for less, is bullshit.

But, fucking hell.

19) Like Water Over Fire (Like Water On Fire) | Mature | 119264 words | Louis vs. many people

Prince Harry has 46 men and 13 weeks to find the husband of his dreams, Louis has a limited amount to time to live out a royal fantasy. They might just be exactly what the other needs.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[sunbellylou]

ask for writers !!

thank you @tomlinvelvetfics​ for tagging me! and thank you @soldouthaz for making this tag!

1. describe how you first started writing and when you first posted: i’ve been writing for years now, i started with het (ew!) 1d fics in portuguese back in 2011, it was actually those little imagines we used to write, don’t know if anyone remembers hehe. i posted them on a facebook page i was part of and i remember the first thingy i wrote was something with niall, but i really don’t remember any details (but was probably bad as heck since i was 11).

my first larry fic i probably wrote around 2012 when i found out the gay fanfics world haha, i don’t remember what it was or anything tbh, in my head i always wrote and posted gay fanfic.

my first fanfic in english was a little one shot (like 400 words honestly), it was a translation of a previous work i wrote portuguese. i posted it a year and a half ago and it’s called playground love (please don’t look).

2. which of your characters do you typically resonate most closely with? do you base any characters off of yourself?:  i usually write from harry’s pov because i love love l o v e describing louis and how angelic he is, so usually i tend to see louis as this ethereal ish character, cause it’s usually about harry falling in love with him. so whether i like it or no, i tend to be closer to harry’s characters in my fics, i always like to put a bit of myself on him and make the character real, you know?

3. where do you often find inspiration?: honestly? anything! i’ve written fics inspired by tumblr posts, tweets, pictures, songs, movies, things that happened in my real life, books. i literally wrote a pwp because i couldn’t stop thinking about leather pants (go read my robin hood au).

4. has quarantine helped or hindered your writing process?: in the beginning it was really helping me, i’d stay up till 4am everyday just writing like crazy, but then i got into the worst writer’s block and didn’t write shit for months. (and of course right when i started getting new ideas, i started working so i have no free time).

5. do you listen to music/noise while you write or do you prefer silence? always listen to music, all the time. i can’t do anything without music. mostly because my brain is a mess and music helps me concentrate. i usually go for some chill songs, some indie pop and stuff.

6. what is your biggest writing pet peeve in your writing or in general?: oh my god, when i’m writing and two or more paragraphs start with the same word, one after the other. it drives me crazy!!!! and sometimes i spend hours looking for ways to word differently the sentences, just so i don’t have two paragraphs starting with “the”.

also when my paragraphs are two (or one) lines long, i can’t! it has to have three or more lines.

7. describe your ideal writing setup: at the dining table, in the middle of the night, with some soft music playing in the background and some popcorn with me!

8. favorite time of day to write?: well, just said it hehe i like writing at night.

9. favorite genre to write + one you’d like to try writing in the future?: woah, that’s tough because i literally write any genres! i really love writing fantasy and horror stuff, but i feel like it’s not really well accepted in the fandom? (spec horror). and when people like it, they only read from bigger authors so i usually keep myself from writing those. aaand tbh i probably already wrote most of fic genres out there, so there isn’t much left to try.

10. do you struggle with writer’s block? how do you typically overcome it?  i’m writer’s block bitch and i do not know how to overcome her

11. what is the easiest part of your writing process and the most difficult? outlining tbh, i usually don’t (and it comes back to kick me in the ass). i always have too many ideas at the same time and can’t stick to one, so outlining and finding the right plot is really hard.

12. how do you come up with original characters? (if applicable): lately i haven’t really had the chance to come up with ocs, but when i wrote original books (not fanfics and stuff), i usually started with the gender and one outstanding personality trait and went from there.

13. what is your favorite and least favorite word?  i love the words ethereal and breeze, omg you’ll find them A LOT on my fics. and my least favorite word is growl.

14. what is one thing about your writing that you’re really proud of and one thing you hope to continue working at?: i think i describe the vibez in the scene really well, it’s my favorite thing to do. and i need to work more on building my sentences, because theyre always supermessy.

15. what work of yours has your favorite ‘verse/world building? how did you come up with it?:  definitely the fic i’m working on right now! i’m putting so much work on the world building since it’s a fantasy fic, so i’m planning every little detail about it. i hope other people like it too when they read it !!

16. what font and size do you write in? single spaced or double?: comic sans, 12pt, single spaced. don’t come at me.

17. what is a typo(s) you find yourself making consistently?: because english isn’t my first language, i always change like ‘th’ for ‘d’ (because it has a similar sound in portuguese), so catch me typing ‘de’ instead of ‘the’ or ‘dey’ instead of ‘they’.

18. (if applicable) do you separate fic writing from fandom?: i didn’t understand the question so i’m pretending i never read it hehe

19. what emotion is your favorite to write? which is the most difficult?: my favorite to write is probably,,, love/adoration, like harry looking at louis like he’s the whole world and thinking about how amazing he is? i love it.

and the most difficult is probably anger, i find it really hard to write like fights and stuff like that because usually i make the characters sound more sad than angry.

20. what is one thing you hope readers always take away from your works?: i never thought about that but,,, i hope they start finding joy in small things that happen in their day. that’s something i use a lot in my fics and i think it’s very important to bring it to real life. like enjoy that late night tea, showering in the morning, spending a summer day in the house, cleaning, etc.

21. what is the best and worst writing advice you’ve ever received?: i think the best advice is one i got from someone i no longer talk to, they told me this when i first started writing in english and it is to stop trying to write fancy or like native english speakers, because it’s much better to write simple sentences that i’m confident about than write sentences with words i barely know how to use.

and the worst advice is TO OUTLINE! i know i should maybe i dont know but leave me alone, i hate outlining bye

22. which one of your works would you most want to see turned into a film/television show?:  ok so,,, it’s a book i wrote like three years ago with original characters. it’s called great evil and i wrote it in portuguese. it’s full of violence and acid humor, about a very evil and sarcastic demon and an angry hunter. (one day i’ll translate that book and turn it into a larry fic)

23. do you write scenes chronologically or out of order?: chronologically. always

24. how do you handle criticism?: really bad. please be careful with what words you use. i’m already really hard on myself when it comes to my writing, so sometimes someone says something and (it might be dramatic but) i feel my world crumbling and i want to stop writing right away.

25. what is the advice you would give to someone who is looking to start writing?:  just,,, do it. there’s no right or wrong way to do it. there’s no such thing as too much or too little, bad or good plots. every idea is a good idea. write it for yourself, write something you like. go ahead and just do it. there’s always someone out there who will enjoy your work, no matter what.

26. what kind of feedback on your work always makes your day?: any comments make my day tbh, if you comment on my fic i’ll be forever grateful and will be smiling like a fool the whole day. honestly, even a “omg i loved it” comment can make my day.

27. which fic ‘verse of your own would you most like to exist in? which fic’s characters would you most like to befriend?: the one i’m writing 100%, please i want to live in a fantasy world. i wanna live in the water kingdom and have faerie louis as my king please.

and i’d like to befriend louis from my fic kiss me in your chevrolet, he’s a sweetheart and i must protecc.

28. what do you always enjoy getting asks about/wish people would ask about more?: anything! i rarely get asks so anything is good hehe

29. what has writing added to your life? how has it changed you?: it’s such a big part of my life, i spent all my teenage years writing and it really is what built my personality. it helped me being more creative with all aspects of my life and take life lightly, enjoy little things and moments. 

30. why do you write?: i just love having ideas and putting out there, playing with words and finding new ways to describe daily things.

boost yourself + tags!

1a. share the last sentence you wrote:

The path through the dense forest, covered in slippery rocks and burning trees is already difficult enough, but it becomes ten times worse when you’re being pestered by small, demonic creatures. 

2a. describe the wip you’re most excited about:

i’m honestly only working on one fic right now and i’m super duper excited about it

3a. share the piece of dialogue from one of your works you’re most proud of:

"I mean, I still don't plan on watching Star Wars, so…" 

The boy groans playfully, throwing his head back and Louis' eyes are suddenly really interested in the column of the guy's throat. 

"Americans really have no culture." He shoulders Louis slightly, warmth spreading through Louis' dainty shoulder and making him trip to the side lightly. With a faux outraged scoff, Louis waves a dismissing hand. 

“What do British people know about culture? All you do is drink tea and talk about the weather all day,” Louis teases with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. “Also, Star Wars is American, just so you know.” He rolled his eyes playfully, feeling surprisingly comfortable in his presence.

Skater Boy sighs comically, shaking his head, his wavy locks falling gracefully on the sides of his face and Louis can’t stop thinking about how soft his hair must be. 

“You got me there.”

not posted but i kinda like it (i’m not really good with dialogues, so it was really hard to find one lmao)

4a. share the best first and last lines from your work(s): I will do only those that are already published:

best first lines are from a halloween fic i never finished: 

Louis’ blue eyes snap open. His heart pounds fast inside his rib cage, making something as easy as breathing almost impossible. Sweat drenches his body and he feels like drowning. He feels too awake and wary as his breathing calms down, as well as his grips on the sheets under him loosen.

best last lines are from my 2019 BLFF there’s more than one place to call home: 

Their life was utter chaos, and they were definitely complete opposites, and sometimes Harry wished Louis would just shut the hell up, but at the same time, Harry wouldn’t change a single thing about his life, because he had Louis, and that was all that mattered to him. 

5a. link the last fic you read: it was the devil's in the details by @raspberryoatss​

6a. link the last work you published: you could take a lick (but it’s too cold to bite me)

7a. link to your ao3 (if applicable): cinnamons

8a. someone that inspires you: louis hehe 

9a. a comfort fic/work that you’ve been grateful for this year: tbh i don’t read a lot of fics, but there’s this work a friend of mine wrote. it was in portuguese and she ended up deleting it but it’s amazing.

10a. other writers that you’d like to tag! @bottomlwt @raspberryoatss 

[shesawriter39049]

|ROLL DEEP|M| P.1

                 *Yoongi centered fic with a shared OT7 plot*

CH.1.1   CH. 1.2

**Operation: What’s eating blue!?***

_________________________________________________________

“Stop, this stopped being a you, thing and became a us thing  the minute we chose to show up here tonight! You gave us an out and we stayed...we will always stay...”

1.2 K Sneak Peek

Pairing: Yoongi x OC

Genre: Sugar baby AU/Suspense/Smut/Angst/Roomate AU/FWB AU

WC: 7K

Nonsexual Warnings: Mentions of drug use (Molly/weed/)Strong language/ Alcohol addictions/ brief mentions/ speculations of domestic violence/abuse

Sexual Warnings: Oral (M & F receiving) power bottom Min Yoongi, cum play, breath play, spanking, dirty talk, Slight overestimation, sex toys (Cock rings....) Semi-public sex (A chill little blow job in the car) The sexual warnings are for both parts of CH.1 so the smut is split in half!

NOTE:  Just to clarify the dynamic Yoongi and the OC are roommates who hookup on the side, they are BOTH sugar babies to two separate people! So yes, that would imply that Yoongi and some of the other boys who are also sugar babies are Bi. There is no MxM but there is mentions of it occasionally….as well as some harmless ot7 flirting! Also all of the boys are introed, Tae and Joon just play a lager part here!

_______________________________________________

I guess, fuck where do we even start? Maybe, will go back to where it all technically started, which was the last time things felt...somewhat normal yeah?

So, that would be...hmm...about 2 weeks shy of you heading into Junior year at USC right? The day your boys picked you up at the airport, and the three of your treated Blue, aka TaeTae to brunch!?

Well, wait let’s back track a little it all started much eariler than that, because you weren’t even aware of your brunch plans until later in the day. So Initially the day in question kicks of with you, in oversized blacked out CHLOE shades, hungover as fuck, sat in at the airport one Sunday afternoon. Smack dab in the middle of Terminal 6, in a bar called Blu2o sipping on a Bloody Mary, scrolling aimlessly through Snapchat. While simotaniously being told for the very first time ...that you’ll be attending a “Haute Couture”  themed charity auction...on Tuesday! Yup,  the day after tomorrow! Thank god he can’t see your damn face right now, biting down on your straw to muzzle yourself!

“No, babe it’s fine, I’ll just hit Rodeo tomorrow morning, and I’m sure my nail and lash girl can fit me-Oh you...haven’t gotten... what ...your wearing either?” Parroting the words back In slow motion as if it would make the words sound better or something!

Oh for fucks sake! Bringing your forehead flush to the marble bartop already feeling a full blown migraine brewing at the nape of your neck. Giving yourself a couple moments to self compose, this man is so damn unorganized it’s unfucking real. His personal assistant better be the 2nd highest paid person within his entire company because…..This is far from new, I don’t even know why your suprised and I’d say you don’t get paid enough for this....but ya do! So you suck it up, lose the attitude and slip right into your “Yes sir” or maybe I should say ‘Yes daddy” voice.

“Don’t worry about it, I know your busy. I totally get it, your a 28 waist right? Of course, I remember...I remember everything you tell me….Ohhh your gonna let me put you in color too???” Eyes flickering up to the notification from your bank, noting a cute little 12k wire pending.

“Yeah, no, I see it, that should be good. I was thinking Versace or Cavili for you anyway...they have good prints to fit the theme, and if all else fails I have my card too…yup..just landed about..hmm... 30 minutes ago actually. Of course, stop apologizing, Sunday's are always your golf days, I get it, hey, tell the guys I said hi and enjoy your day. Text me later if you feel up to it..k....bye..”

Were you actually getting a little flustered there towards the end? It's the slight accent, isn't it? Honestly, it didn't take much for you to slip into “character” with him, even after barely being together a full month. For one he wasn’t an asshole, had a decent sense of humor, and he’s really fuckin hot...however there was one, little, well shit, not so little issue...you noticed while with him recently. Which, then sparked quite a few questions while also answering some that had been rattling through your head since the day you met. But will circle back to the fact that you spent a week on vacation with a man, while dressed in some of the sexiest pieces of 2019 couture! Yet..you barely got touched once outside of a couple chaste kisses and hand-holding while at the two fashion shows you attended together… so, yeah, yeah!

A low groan in frustration rattled from your throat as you continued scrolling through Snapchat, trying to come up with some possible outfit scenarios in your head! It’s kinda funny, how mynute all of that seems now though, how your definition of “Stress” that day was you trying to decide if your sugar daddy was gay, while also  finding time to fit in a self-care day, shopping, and getting your books for school!!  The fact that, that was what you considered migraine worthy, fuck, what you wouldn’t give to consider multitasking your only maltitude of “stress” again …..

Just in your own little world, mind swirling with a couple of stylists you’ve met along the way, considering the idea of them pulling some vintage pieces for you instead!  What you should be doing, is scrolling through your contact list and texting said stylists, instead you find yourself more and more distracted.  Getting lost in the mounds of snap updates from Jimin as he “modestly” sunbathed in a private villa in Italy. Then later sharing a glimpse into his shopping spree from Versace, no doubt a good 20k worth of Italian luxury spread out along the plush white sheets. Sending him a cheeky little “That’s my boy” with a couple of smug winky faces in response!

It’s still kinda crazy to think, things like that are considered normal within your world now, the fact that you aren’t even surprised at the number of gifts. Or, simply the fact that your barley 21-year-old best friend is sunbathing in Italy on someone else’s dime. Then again, you just got sent 12 thousand dollars to spend on an event that would last maybe all of 5 hours, while sitting next to a stack of Louis Vuittion luggage from your first class flight in from Vegas, technically. Opting to land there first after a long 15-hour flight, checking in at The Four Seasons for not even a solid 24 hours before coming home! Honestly?There was no real reason for the pit stop except it gave you an excuse to see a friend while also allowing you to unwind in one of your favorite hotels!

That sentence alone is actually absurd when you really think about it, the idea of you casually booking flights and suites in 5-star hotels as if you’re ordering off the damn dollar menu at Mcdonalds! You, the girl that was working two jobs at the Groove and mourning a piece of shit cheating ex boyfriend her freshman year of college.....is now reminiscing about catching flights to chill with friends and last minute finding dresses for Couture themed galas.Like, what the actual fuck is life.... Oh my bad, life at the moment is constantly being paranoid that you and your friends will get arrested! Life in this moment however...was a fucking perfect!

The friend you where meeting in Vegas was Hoseok by the way, the redhead was currently vacationing in Sin City for the next couple of days, typically residing in LA as well. Just Chillin’ before the semester starts, living his best life, which revolves around “OFF-WHITE'' shopping sprees, private dance lessons, and constantly taking thirst trap pics for his 10’s of thousands of followers online. He randomly texts you saying “I miss your face” you text him saying “I land at 8 tonight bring a bottle and sushi to room 605 at The Four Seasons hotel '' Simple!

Your initial flight, the one that was 15 hours, was originally from Paris, where you spent the last week or so with Jeong-su, being arm candy, sipping wine, sightseeing and of course shopping!. Barley 32 hours ago your Snapchat looked pretty damn similar, if not worse in comparison to Jimin’s but what can I say, you can’t be in the home of Givenchy and Gaulthier and not go to Givenchy and Gaultier!

What your life is, what you and your friends do, I mean, I think it’s safe to say it’s pretty self-explanatory yeah? The average 20 something-year-old in college isn't flying themselves out of the country or going luxury shopping without a little help. In your case, it’s typically thanks to a person you commonly refer to as “Daddy” now, the context behind the word however….is where you and your friends may differ from others…..

But that’s your business, your concern and more importantly your choice, and honestly for a while life seemed too damn good to be true...I guess looking back on it now, I guess that’s because it kinda was!

Sat at the predominantly empty bar alone, more than content by the silence, twirling your straw between your lips, as you scanned back over the shit show that was your schedule for the semester! Getting more of a migraine from that, then shopping or even the fact that you're still hungover and drinking on an empty stomach at half-past 12. Shooting a quick text to your redheaded best friend cursing him out for getting you drunk off your ass on a bottle of Yamazaki 12.

“Can I get anything else for you beautiful? Another drink or maybe an appetizer? We have damn good loaded queso fries if I do say so myself!” Waving the menu in your face playfully, the warm, inviting voice in front of you was the bartender, who’s had his eye on you since you swayed in. Even if you looked like crap for your standards you knew to most you were the farthest thing from it as you swayed into the bar like you owned the place. In your heels, and tiny little black dress, while an airport assistant trolied in your luggage behind you! Ohhh Blair  Waldorf would without a doubt be proud!

“Mmmm…” Lips pursed in a slight pout as you raked over the menu, honestly, you were hungry and they have bomb ass fried pickles…..”Actually, yeah, I’ll get-”

“ 3 tall shots of whatever top-shelf Tequila you have, also add whatever she’s been drinking to my tab, along with an order of fried pickles with extra ranch…please and thank you!” Smoothly sliding his black card, and ID across the marble bartop for review.

Oh.

The look on the bartender’s face was fucking priceless, torn between shitting himself and maybe….nah, just straight shitting himself! Skin flushed, the sense of panic was clear as day,  wondering if he’d overstepped that fine line between customer service and filtration. Considering whoever the person behind you is, clearly knows you well enough to know your food order. A forced bashful smile playing along his lips as he bowed out in acknowledgment, sliding the gentelmen back is ID and whispering out a faint “Yes sir, coming right up…”

The base vibrating through your ears instantly had you readjusting your posture, a strong tingle running down your spine, back arching ever so slightly. A playful smirk playing along your lips as you slowly laced your tongue back around your staw, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

“You sure you wanna do that? My tastes are pretty expensive..” Tone blatantly flirtatious, yet you still hadn’t bothered to even turn around, that’s when suddenly you hear a deep arrogant chuckle rumbling low in his chest. Only...this sounds a little brighter? And like it’s coming from your left instead of behind you…

“Mmm, I’m sure we can handle it baby….”

You could feel the air shift behind you, it felt warmer, and there was a strong mix of scents flooding through your nose. Leaning back in your seat, pleasantly finding your shoulders, the back of your neck, and your head, cradled against a lean wall of silk. Sighing contently, naturally letting your body melt into his frame, nose running into your face as you smiled so hard your cheeks hurt. That’s when a gangle of veiny, porcelain limbs wrapped around your shoulders pulling you even tighter against him, only to find brown, sharp, cat-like eyes staring down at you, though a pair of translucent designer shades. Seemingly a little bit amused at how excited you are to see him. Long dark wavy locks falling messily into his face, a tiny silver hoop dawning his button nose. Tongue playing at the corner of his mouth, letting the tiny silver ball slip between his lips. This angle lets you really appreciate how sharp, yet soft his features were, an oxymoron that honestly makes no damn sense unless you see him in person….jawline sharp enough to cut glass yet he has the cutest cheeks ever when he smiles. It honestly makes no sense whatsoever and he’s one of the many reasons you have trust issues. Well, that and your line of work, considering the number of men you find out are married and still try and sneak around with you.

Then, as if to just make his presence known, there’s another pair of hands making their home along your body, gently squeezing your thigh. Except, he’s polar opposite to the person I just described, the man behind you is your roommate Yoongi, the man who just took a seat to your left, is your other roommate Namjoon! First off, he’s tall as all hell, and an offensively perfect shade of brown, he can’t even go into the burbs without being asked what self-tanner he uses. In which he smugly replies “Genetics” letting them sit there and try and google said company that makes that brand of self-tan. Streams of meticulously placed colored neo-traditional tattoos paint his skin, accompanied by deep dimples, and bleach blonde hair styled into an undercut, sides buzzed into the perfect fade.

“So you gonna get up and give me a real hug or what???”  Placing a kiss in your hair as he pulled back, giving you room to hop out of your seat and right into his arms.

The Full thing is coming soon, this is from summer 2019, I just have to edit, and reread the full thing again! I also wrote the first 3 parts all at once..sooo if your exicted show this some love anddddddddd come let me know!

Love you as always,

Rocki

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | September 2019

Happy belated 28th! This month I managed to read 29 fics so all of them are under the read more. Among others you'll find fics from @hlmpregficexchange, @hlmusicalsficfest, @1dtwistedtropesficexchange and @1dridicficexchange! Thank you so much to all of these authors for their hard work! Happy Reading!

Smokey vanilla | louisnights | mpreg - a/b/o - trans character - threats of violence - 25k Louis is the sole guardian to his younger siblings, and he's fallen pregnant. A new neighbor moves in next door, Harry, and they become good friends. Harry is kind and beautiful. Louis can't help but fall for him.

Hooked on a Feeling | dandelionfairies | mpreg - famous/not famous - 37k Louis is a famous actor. Harry is not. He also has no idea who Louis actually is. After a one night stand, Harry ends up pregnant. Louis finds out the day he walks into the bakery that Harry owns. From that moment, he makes it known that he plans to be in the baby’s life. Over a short time, their own friendship builds into something more. How will Harry handle knowing who Louis actually is? How will they handle it all when the paparazzi get a hold of the story?

Going My Way | jacaranda_bloom | mpreg - strangers to lovers - fluff - banter - 20k The one where Harry gets a replacement LYFT driver, Louis is just trying to earn some extra cash before the baby arrives, and they both end up with way more than they bargained for.

Love Me Like Tomorrow's Never Gonna Come | stylescantstop | mpreg - exes to lovers - past breakup- 20k Harry and Louis are broken up but run into each other at a mutual friends wedding. What they don't know is that night will change their lives forever.

Another One For The Road | reminiscingintherain | mpreg - famous/not famous - established rlationship - 15k The one where Louis' on tour when he finds out the hard way that men can get pregnant too....

Sowing the Seeds of Love | ShapeOfLou | mpreg - established relationship - fluff - 18k When Harry finds out that he's pregnant, he worries that Louis might not be ready to take on a task like parenthood. To prove himself, Louis buys a potted plant to keep alive—only it's much harder than he ever imagined.

I Get To Love You | lovelarry10 | mpreg - strangers to lovers - One Night Stands - friends to lovers - friends with benefits - famous/not famous mutual pining - 83k A one night stand leaves Harry with a permanent reminder of the night he spent with a stranger. Louis has no idea who the handsome stranger he took to bed is... until his friends make a shocking discovery. A baby is on the way, and Louis and Harry have nine months to get to know each other before they become a family...

The Long Way Round | yourpricelessadvice | mpreg - friends to lovers - slow burn - breakup - 44k 2002 is going to be Louis’ year. He’d said that about the departing 2001 as well though, after declaring the first year of the new millennium ‘a trial run’. But this year will be different.

Race You to the Stairway | Chelsea Frew (chelseafrew) | mpreg - angst - fluff - 6k Harry. Louis. A stalled lift. Labour. Will the first responders get there in time?

Falling For You | Halos_Boat | mpreg - homelessness - light angst - fluff - 28k "I'm Harry," he extended his hand out for Louis to shake but quickly retracted it as if he were ashamed. Louis frowned, pushing out his own hand, "I'm Louis." Harry's lips twisted up slightly, accepting Louis' handshake happily, "thank you so much for your kindness, Louis."

Silent Night | Snowy38 | mpreg - 14k Louis is a shepherd who’s resigned to spending Christmas alone when his flight home is cancelled because of snow.When he hears a caroller out in the cold he plans to pay them and send them on their way.He didn’t plan for that caroller to be so mesmerising. And he certainly didn’t plan for Harry to be heavily pregnant!

A virgin to that money | eversincewefellapart | college/ university - sex tapes - love/hate - 7k Harry and Louis are broke university students who hate each other and make a sex tape. (In which Louis gets fucked a lot, Harry can't find the camera, and the road to falling in love is different for everyone.

More Than You Know | brightlyharry | miscommunication - fluff - funny - 64k The one where Louis is a doorman for a luxury apartment building and Harry is the newest resident of the penthouse. Timing fails to be on his side as he tries to catch a glimpse of the building's newest occupant and prove he's a call-boy. When he finally does see Harry in the flesh, he's more captivated than ever. Featuring Liam as a mailman and Louis' trusted friend and no one knows what's going on with Zayn.

Perceive with your mind | rsadelle | college/ university - invisibility - 5k Harry grabs a piece of paper and scrawls a note: Freshers think a ghost lives here. I told them to stop bothering you even if you are a ghost. If you are, you're probably lonely. You're probably not a ghost, so maybe you have loads of friends and we haven't met because you're busy with them all the time. If you are a ghost, maybe you can knock on my door, or leave a message in the bathroom mirror. Wouldn't want you to be lonely! - Harry (35A) He adds his mobile number to the bottom of the note so whoever's in 35B can text him if they want, then opens his door, crosses the corridor, and slips it under the door of 35B. He waits for a moment, then shakes his head when of course there's no immediate response because of course there isn't a ghost living in 35B. That would be ridiculous.

Ain't We Proud | yeehawharry | WW II - minor character death - PTSD - period-typical homophobia - slow burn - 20k Louis Tomlinson returned to Manchester in 1945 with survivor’s guilt, no job prospects, and a promise to check on the brother of his wartime best friend who didn’t make it home from the front. Things began looking up when he heard a radio advert for the Tribute to the Troops Song Competition and decided to put together a band of fellow vets, combine their talent and experience, and hopefully rocket to stardom. A Bandstand AU.

Symptoms Of The Culture | alienharry | college/ university - video/computer games - fluff - 14k Harry's fraternity has become obsessed with the newest online game, and they'd like to think they're getting pretty good at it. Only, they keep getting killed by The Rogue, an online player who has no connection to the Frat, but seems to have a vendetta against them.

Up For It | jacaranda_bloom | OT5 - lads holiday - secret relationship - banter - 18k Each year, the five friends take a lads holiday; it’s tradition, and this year is shaping up to be a jam-packed, fun-filled trip with their best mates just like all the rest... or is it? OR the one where Liam is Mr Organised, Zayn is too perceptive for his own good, Niall is a compulsive matchmaker, and Harry and Louis might just have the surprise to shock them all.

Laundry Room | beautlouis | flirting - banter - pining - slow burn - humor - 10k Louis and Harry are both students living in the same apartment complex. They end up having the same laundry night and time. Louis can't stop staring at Harry and he can't figure out why Harry consistently points out Louis’ inside-out shirts, and his untied shoes, and messy hair. Enter slow burn-ish flirting, banter, awkwardness, and a lot of laundry.

Right Side of the Wrong Bed | eyesofshinigami | humor - fluff - 11k The one where Louis wakes up on the wrong couch only to meet his future husband (even if Harry doesn't know it yet).

Never Been Knotted | allwaswell16 | a/b/o - non traditional a/b/o - fluff - strangers to lovers - 9k Harry doesn't mind that he presented as a beta. It mostly just makes his life easier and more convenient. There's just one small problem: he'd really like to be knotted.

Small Doses (Loving You It's Explosive) | QuickedWeen | boxing - light angst - dom/sub undertones - 38k Louis Tomlinson finds himself at Vitality Fitness to try and turn his life around after having left his cheating boyfriend of four years. The gym's owner, Liam, quickly becomes a good friend, but his right hand man is rude and dismissive from the get-go. Louis and Harry continue to clash all while Harry is trying to move his way up the ranks in Manchester's amateur boxing circuit, but they can't seem to stay away from each other.

Everything I need I get from you | jaerie | a/b/o - mpreg - strangers to lovers - emotional/psychological abuse - sexism - 10k In a world where music and sound are just as vital to health as food, Harry is stuck in a town that thinks professional music is a scam and a relationship he never wanted. One chance event changes his life.

Sweet and lowdown | wreckingtomlinson (karasunonolibero) | 1920s - prohibition era - 13k Harry is about to be married for the fourth time, Louis’ never been kissed, Niall can’t cook, Liam can’t dance, and none of them are very good at acting.

Like electricity | cupcakeL | Billy Elliot AU - ballet - 1980s - period-typical homophobia - mentions of dementia - mentions of alcohol abuse - 17k The one where a 12-year-old Louis Tomlinson, an orphaned coal miner's son in Northern England during the strikes of 1984/85, stumbles upon a ballet class during his weekly football training. Soon he finds himself in dance, demonstrating the kind of raw talent seldom seen by the class' exacting instructor, Madame Malik, who starts pushing him towards making use of his abilities while Louis struggles with feelings he doesn’t quite understand.

'Sup | MediaWhore | fluff - awkward flirting - meet-cute - silver fox Louis - 6k Gemma really wants her little brother to sign up for a dating app and get back in the game after a messy divorce. Harry thinks he’s way too old to swipe. They compromise to devastatingly embarrassing results. Meanwhile, all Louis wants is to finish the play he’s been commissioned to write, but one of the regulars at his local coffee shop keeps distracting him. ft. older larry, pushy gemma, harry being a disaster gay and silver fox louis.

Adore You | isthatyoularry | courtship - age difference - love/hate - fluff - angst - 67k “We invited our new acquaintances from uptown. You’ve simply got to meet their oldest son!” said his mother with a flourish, and suddenly it became abundantly clear as to why his parents had so adamantly demanded he join them in Deansville for the entirety of the summer. Against his wishes, Harry spends the holidays at his family’s summer estate, and is reluctantly pulled into a courtship he didn’t ask for. Harry doesn’t want to get married, but Louis does. They don’t fit, but then again they really, really do. Vaguely set in the 1920’s. Headpieces, jazz, fashionable canes, and flapper dresses, and that.

I Wanna Be Alright With My Baby Tonight | graceling_in_a_suit | college/university - trans character - football/soccer - mentions of transphobia - anxiety - insecurity - fluff - humor - 18k Harry Styles' university football team (Go Queers!) is on a losing streak, and so is his love life. Louis Tomlinson—a fellow trans man and the team's new co-captain—might just be able to help with both.

We're not who we used to be | louistomlinsons | exes to lovers - road trips - slow burn - 30k “Harry…” Louis’ voice catches in his throat, thick with tears threatening to fall out, so he coughs to clear it before trying again. “Harry is Liam’s best man?” “You didn’t know?” Harry is standing at the entrance of the garage, mouth slightly open and face pulled together. He sets his bag on the ground and puts his hands on his hips. When he does that, he looks just like the Harry that Louis remembers (and loves, he thinks with an aching heart). “I’m sure I mentioned it,” Liam says, but Louis can tell he’s lying by the way he chews on his lower lip and twists his fingers together. “You’re all a bunch of dick heads, I’m getting in the car.” Louis isn’t sure if he’s being unreasonable. He has no idea what the protocol is when your ex-boyfriend shows up after three years and nobody bothered to give you a heads up. He’s pretty sure he’s allowed to be upset about it, even if it’s only for a bit. or an exes to lovers canadian roadtrip au

Tan Lines and Some Memories | twoshipstiedup | fluff - humor - summer romance - 11k It’s summer in California and blockbuster movie star Louis Tomlinson is looking forward to a break and spending his days lazing away at his beach house. Harry Styles is the indie movie darling he’d been avoiding ever since Louis saw his movie at Cannes and harbored an unreasonable grudge against him. A unicorn t-shirt finally brings them together in person. Summer romance ensues.

[gracewithducks]

We do not lose hope. (2 Corinthians 3:12-4:2)

Some really big stuff went down in the global United Methodist Church this week. You’ve probably heard at least bits and pieces; as a church, we’ve been preparing and praying for a while now, and more than that, our denomination has made national and international secular headlines – and the picture hasn’t been particularly flattering.

 It’s a big complicated mess, and there is a lot which is uncertain. But the short version is this: where our divided denomination had hoped to find a way forward, even an admittedly timid and modest one, we instead have taken a big step backwards. Specifically, the hurtful and discriminatory language around human sexuality has been retained and even reinforced in our official statements and policies. The process was messy, the debate was ugly, and though there were some wondrously brave and prophetic voices, though there were so many working and hoping and praying for love and for grace and for change, instead what was revealed this week is that fear and bad theology are powerful motivators, and they lead people to make the kind of decisions that hurt the very people Jesus came to serve, and in the process, break God’s heart.

 Many big questions remain. We’re still not sure what the future holds for United Methodism; there are a lot conversations and movements on a lot of fronts, and if I know anything about the Holy Spirit, it’s that God is unpredictable and God refuses to be boxed in.

 And what I have said all along, what I say today, is that no matter what, this church will keep doing the work God has called us to – and I stand by that affirmation. We are still here. We are still called to speak truth, to be prophetic voices, to be loving servants, and to be transforming agents in our community and in the world.

 I don’t know where exactly we go from here. I know that a lot of people of good faith, even a lot of people in this room, are wondering whether it’s time to go somewhere else – to leave United Methodism behind. At what point does staying in an unjust and exclusionary system make us complicit? At what point does it make sense to go where we can use our time and energy for other work, rather than fighting the same battle over and over again? When Jesus called his disciples, they left their boats and nets behind and set out towards something new, and sometimes, Jesus calls us to leave what we’ve known and set out towards something new, too.

 It is worth remembering that the Methodist Church itself started by accident, when courageous people followed the Spirit towards something new. John Wesley never set out to make a new church; he yearned to revitalize that church as it was, the church that had raised him, a church that had forgotten who it was supposed to be. But when that church kept letting fear and politics get in the way, when that church refused to go where the people are, where the gospel was needed, John gave his reluctant blessing to the people called Methodists to go forth and imagine a new thing.

 And maybe it’s time to imagine a new thing. Those conversations are happening across the denomination and around the world. But at the same time, I am fully aware that I stand in this pulpit today not just because God called me here but because of the faithful people of conscience and courage who didn’t leave, but who stayed and advocated and fought the fight so that the leadership and voices of women might be honored. And now that I have a voice, I don’t want to abandon all those whose voices aren’t being heard – just because it’s easier or more comfortable for me. I don’t want to give up on all those leaders God is still calling, all those who are still coming down the line.

 The thing that General Conference will never be able to do is this: they will never be able to legislate gay and lesbian and queer people out of the United Methodist Church, because LGBTQ babies are being born every day. They’re being baptized every Sunday, nurtured in our nurseries, learning about God’s love in our Sunday school classes, being immersed in community at our summer camps, asking hard questions in our youth groups, being taught in our colleges, being trained in our seminaries – and God is calling them into ministry every day. And they will keep confronting us with the breadth of God’s grace. And they will keep looking us in the eyes and asking: you who taught me, who trained me, who told me God’s love is universal, who told me God might be calling me – when will you love God and love me enough to let me love and serve God with you?

 I believe that God is doing a new thing. I just don’t know have all the answers; I don’t know what it looks like yet.

 In the church year, it’s Transfiguration Sunday – the Sunday when we remember how Jesus went up the mountaintop with his disciples, and right before their eyes, he was transformed.[1] He stood alongside Moses and Elijah, the great leaders of the faith in days gone past, and yet in that moment, in Christ, God was doing a whole new thing. It’s a day when we remember that God’s revelation to us is ongoing, and God is so much greater than we can ever pin down. Up on the mountain, God revealed something new to Peter and James and John – and that moment changed them.

 And they responded differently to that revelation. James and John cowered in fear. And Simon Peter had the brilliant idea to build a building. Peter wanted to build a shrine, a museum – dare we say, a church? – some walls to hide Jesus’ light away, the kind of place where the right kind of people might come and see what God has done.

 Peter wanted to build some walls and settle in. But Jesus said no. Jesus said, we have to go back down the mountain – we have to go where the people are – because they story isn’t over yet, and I didn’t come just for you chosen few, and there is so much work we’ve yet to do.

 Our hope isn’t in the buildings and the shrines. Our hope isn’t in the denomination, and our hope isn’t in the past, and our hope isn’t in the church. Our hope is in Jesus, in the Lord who comes down the mountain and into the trenches with us.

 Long before Jesus was transfigured on the mountaintop, Moses went up on the mountaintop and met God there. And there is this curious bit of biblical history – that, when Moses came down from the mountain, after he’d been talking to God, imagining a new future and community for those people who’d just been set free – when Moses came down the mountain, God’s glory was reflected in him. He was, somehow, literally glowing, shining with God’s light.

 And it terrified people. It scared the pants off them! It scared people so much that Moses started wearing a veil, hiding his face, until that divine glow had worn off.

 But in his letter to the Corinthians, Paul says, the time for hiding is gone. It’s time to let God’s light shine through us – it’s time to be bold and courageous; it’s time for us to take the veil away, to stop making apologies for our faith, to stop hiding what God has said and done – it’s time to let it shine.

 “Since, then,” Paul writes, “since we have such a hope, we act with great boldness… with unveiled faces… and since it is by God’s mercy that we are engaged in this ministry, we do not lose heart.”

 I don’t know what exactly God is calling us to do next. But I do know this: God is the one who is calling us. And so with boldness, with courage, with hope, we will not hide, and we won’t give up.

 I read something this week – something not related to church discipline, if you can believe it – but I read something this week that has stayed with me. My oldest daughter has recently gotten interested in waterfalls, with all the passion and fixation of a third grader. And because I’m a mom, when my kids develop a new passion, I learn all kinds of new things, too.

 So this week, I learned all about Niagara Falls. This week I learned about Father Louis Hannepin, a priest from the Spanish Netherlands who, in the 1600s, was the first recorded Westerner to encounter the Niagara Falls. Father Louis was reportedly so completely overwhelmed by the sight that he fell to his knees in awe and in fear; he couldn’t even look at the waterfalls, because their size and their power left him trembling.

 I’ve learned how Nikola Tesla ignored his critics and nay-sayers and found a way to harness some of the power of the waterfalls, and use that energy to bring light into homes for miles around.

 And I’ve learned that the solid rock underneath the Falls is slowly being worn away. In the last 500 years, the Falls have migrated, little by little, a whole half a mile – and in just fifty thousand years, they say, the power of the Falls will have melted the cliffs away all together. And sure, 50,000 years is a long time from now – but it’s a reminder, a reminder that no matter how imposing and unmovable a thing might seem, nothing lasts forever. Even mountains move, in time. And that thought has given me a ray of hope this week.

 But maybe we don’t want to wait 50,000 years for change to come. In those early years, one of the biggest questions for those who came to see the Niagara Falls was how to get to the other side. Even at the narrowest, the gorge was hundreds of feet across. Nobody could figure out how to build a bridge across that span. If one good strong cable could be strung across the gorge, it could be the foundation for a suspension bridge, but the waters were too choppy; if a boat tried to take the first cable across, it would be destroyed. Until they could find a way to get one strong, sturdy cable across the gorge, nothing else could be built, and nothing could be done.

 In the mid-1800s, an engineer thought about using a rocket to shoot the cable across, or maybe a cannonball – and then somebody came up with a brilliant and original thought: why not use a kite?

 “Maybe someone could fly a kite from one side of the river and make it land on the other side. The thin kite string would be stretched across the gorge. Then a thicker string could be tied to the end of the kite string… [Someone on the other side] could pull that string across the gorge. After that, thicker and thicker ropes would be tied and pulled across. Eventually, [they] would be able to pull a thick metal cable across the gorge… the first step in building a suspension bridge.”[2]

 So a kite-flying contest was announced, with a prize for the first person to get a kite across. A teenager named Homan Walsh decided to enter. Homan lived in the US, but he knew the winds were better on the other side of the river. So he took a ferry to Canada, walked two miles downriver, and let his kite fly. All day, Homan stood in the cold winter wind, feeding out ball after ball of kite string, until his string was long enough to reach the other side. And then he waited. And waited. And waited, for the wind to die down, and for his kite to land.

 Finally, around midnight, the winds let up, and the kite fell – but just when the kite landed, Homan’s string broke.

 “Now Homan was stranded in Canada at midnight, alone. And he couldn’t get back home because there was too much ice on the river! The ferryboats weren’t running.”[3] Discouraged, emptyhanded, Homan waited more than week just to get a safe ride back to the US, where he could search for his lost kite.

 But he didn’t give up. He found the kite, fixed the broken string, and he tried again. And this time, he made it.

 And I love this story. I love this story, this story of a young person who takes a chance, and who faces hardship – and when he finds himself stranded in the dark and in the cold, far from home, with nothing to show but a broken string – he doesn’t give up.

 I love this story, not just because it shows creativity and persistence, but because it reminds us that form one tenuous first contact, another stronger bond can take shape, and then another, until we’ve built a bridge able to carry us across what was once an imposing and impossible chasm between us. That’s how change comes; that’s how the divisions are bridged: not with rules, but with relationships, with conversations, with acts of compassion and olive branches – one thin string at a time.

 Right now, a lot of us feel like Homan. It’s midnight, and we’re cold, exhausted, discouraged, holding on to a broken string.

 And what I hope we won’t do is give up. I hope we’ll keep paying attention to which way the Spirit is blowing. And I hope we’ll keep sending our kites across, to God’s dream, God’s kingdom, on the other side. Right now we’re so far away from where we want to be. The string broke in our hands. But the story isn’t over yet. Because one day, by the grace of God, we will build that bridge, and together, we will cross to the other side.

 Don’t give up. Don’t hide your light. Be bold. Have hope. Keep mending your strings and sending up those kites. The story isn’t over yet.

  O God, our hearts hurt. The hopes we have – have fallen short, dashed against the rocks. Our hearts hurt, not just for ourselves, but for our family members, our friends, for everyone who heard the message this week that they are incompatible with your love, and unwelcome in your house. Our hearts hurt, for our colleagues and coworkers, who are so full of judgment and fear, they cannot even begin to open the door to your grace. Our hearts hurt.

 O God, forgive us. Forgive us for all the ways we have fallen short of your glory. Forgive us for all the times we’ve tried to hide your light and veil your face. Forgive us, for all the ways that our fear has veiled your love. Forgive us, and set us free. Give us compassion; give us courage; give us boldness, as we continue to do the ministry you’ve called us to do. Help us, above all, to love our neighbors, and to love you. With hurting and hopeful hearts, we pray; amen.

   ------------------------

[1] Luke 9:28-43a.

[2] Megan Stine, “Where is Niagara Falls?” (Penguin Books, 2015) p31.

[3] Ibid. p35.

[rubydoll311]

The beginning of my story

Ok I've been thinking about this for a few weeks and I think I'm ready to post this. This is my story, well a piece of it anyway, there is a lot more that I haven't begin to touch on. Hopefully I can really truly flesh out everything with the reporter in the next few months. So if you are curious to know who I am and where I came from, then read on.

I was born James Erick Threadgill (Jimmy/Jimbo) in Saint Louis in July of 1975, my parents like many of the 70’s were stoners and I grew up thinking that this was just as normal as breathing. When I was 2 we moved to the small town of Sikeston MO. (you know the place with Lamberts home of the throwed rolls). My childhood was fairly normal, both of my parents worked full time, went out on occasion and liked to have people over to play music and smoke. I remember always wanting to be a part of the group with the adults. My dad was a very stereotypical man’s man and did not like for my little brother and I to do anything that he deemed to effeminate, If we did he was quick to throw around the work faggot and worse if we were to push it. At a very young age I realized I wasn’t like other boys but I couldn’t figure out why. I was never attracted to boys but I always preferred the company of girls and growing up my friend group was mostly girls. I envied them. Secretly I wanted to wear clothes like them and to truly fit in in their circles. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to share my feelings with, as it was just unheard of and the closest thing (gay people) were treated like freaks and weirdos by everyone I knew. My school life was pretty average until middle school which is when I truly figured out that I just didn’t belong. My first girlfriend moved away, my friends found other friend groups and it became weird for the girls to hang out with boys they weren’t dating. I felt lost, I didn’t fit in with anyone and I felt like there was something wrong with me. It was then the bullying started, I was quiet, tall, skinny, had giant plastic framed glasses and I was a pacifist so I was a walking target for bullies. I’ll never forget one day I refused to fight a bully that was hitting me in front of my house, He punched me in the face and I walked away crying, little did I know that my dad was watching. When I got inside my dad shoved me against the door, slapped me in the face and screamed WHY DIDN”T YOU FIGHT!! Before grabbing me by the neck and hitting me upside the head two more times. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. Dad was a Marine in Vietnam and he expected me to be as tough as him if not more so. My dad definitely had an anger problem and once you set off his short fuse it led to a beating, and it changed every time spanking with a hand, belt, hot wheels track, you name it, so I did my best not to anger him, but I’m an emotional person and emotions were definitely a trigger with him. My mom definitely kept his anger in check but she worked nights so she wasn’t there for a lot of his rage moments. He would always come back and apologize to me for losing his temper but then he’d try to blame me for getting him mad. I once heard someone tell me online that I’m only transgender because I didn’t have a strong male role model in my life. I’m living proof that his theory is crap. Having a super manly dad won’t make you anymore of a man when that’s not who you are inside. So school was hell, home was hell at times and I had no one to go to with my problems, so I learned to push it all down and bear it, and to keep moving forward.

In 1989 one of the people that bought or sold drugs from my parents got arrested and my parents decided to pack up suddenly and move to Georgia to avoid repercussions. They tried to tell me and my brother that it was because of the predicted earthquake on 12-31-89. I wasn’t stupid and I often listened to what they talked about when they thought my brother and I were asleep. So very suddenly my life was uprooted and I had to leave the few friends I had and everything I knew behind to live in Newnan Georgia, a small civil war town. Life was tough there, we had to live with my aunt and uncle for a few months while my parents looked for work. They eventually found work, my mom at a gas station and dad was a security guard. We got an apartment and life started to get back to some semblance of normalcy. It was at this apartment that I befriended a maintenance man there. I quickly learned that he had ulterior motives when he got me alone in his van and offer me things for sex. I was very much still a virgin at this point and had no interest in men so I kindly refused, he told me I could never tell my parents about this and he placed his hand on my leg. I’m very thankful that I walked away from that without being raped. I did eventually tell my parents but only after we were on our way out of Georgia because I knew my dad would have killed him. I have no doubt in my mind.

In early 1990 we moved back to Saint Louis because we were dirt poor in Georgia. My dad got a good job at MSD and my mom got an office job, things finally started to pick up. The first year was really hard as the four of us were living in a 3 room duplex in south city and I was getting really bullied in the city school I was attending (Southwest) as I was a minority in the school and racial tensions were high due to the Rodney King beating around that time. At that school I was hung out of a second story window and I had my head rammed into a marble wall and into a toilet full of my own feces. I got accused of making that one up by the principal and sent back to class. My Georgia accent that I picked up didn’t help matters. I was literally scared to go to school and I started skipping school to hang out with a few local friends I had made. They all smoked and did drugs and I did what I had to do to blend in with them and their friends. It was around that time that I started to try using my mom’s makeup while I was home from school. My mom caught on and told me to stay out of her makeup and I left it at that. I don’t think either one of us wanted to discuss why I was using her makeup, we never spoke of it again. We eventually moved into a much bigger house down the street and I actually got my own space and with it some privacy. It was then that settled down in life and I got a little more comfortable exploring myself with my newfound privacy, but things soon changed when my dad almost caught me, I had skipped school and was fully dressed in one of my mom’s dresses and full makeup when I heard the front door open, it was dad, home for lunch. I panicked and dove into the shower and pulled the curtain, I was terrified of what dad would do to me if he found me, not at school, dressed in my mom’s clothes. He came right to the bathroom and thankfully didn’t find me as I quietly wept in the shower wearing my mom’s dress. It was at that moment that I decided to lock that side of me away with the rest of my pain. I had decided that I’m never going to be a woman and if I tried to it would just get me hurt or worse.

A year or so later we moved to South County and things were easier, I was silently making my way through high school trying not to make waves and stay out of trouble, which was significantly easier in the county schools. I was very depressed at this point in my life, I only had one or two friends and no one that I could truly open up too. My brother had dropped out of high school and had a ton of druggie friends and he was way closer to mom and dad than I was because he’d smoke pot with them, while I stayed in the basement hiding in my world of video games. I desperately wanted a girlfriend and like a lot of guys my age I was chasing a girl that couldn’t be less interested in me. She was closer to my brother and his group of friends, one night she came to our house drunk and she went to my brother for comfort, but he didn’t want to be bothered with her and he left her on the couch crying. Of course I went over to comfort her and soon we were alone in the basement as everyone followed my brother upstairs. It wasn’t long after that, that she kissed me. I was so happy, the girl of my dreams was finally seeing me and she knew how much I cared about her. I couldn’t have been more wrong, she became more forceful and started taking my clothes off, I was so wrapped up in the moment that I couldn’t see that she was just a drunk girl looking for what she thought she wanted. We had sex, I was a virgin and I was scared but I did it anyway, in the middle of it all she called out my brother’s name. At that point my whole world collapsed around me, in that moment I realized I made a horrible mistake. I immediately stopped and started dressing her and she just went back to crying, I kept telling her I was sorry and I tucked her into bed and I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. She woke me up the next day, she had a solemn look on her face and looked at me and said “Did we…?” I nodded and said we should talk about what happened, we spent the next several hours apologizing to each other and decided to both move past it. I kills me to know that some of her friends were telling her that I raped her and at times I felt like I did. But thankfully she remembered enough to know that we were both willing participants at the time. She ended up dating my brother the next day and they were together for years afterwards.

It was then that I fell into a deep depression, I was tired of not being able to relate to anyone and I finally said fuck it! And I dropped out in my sophomore year and started using drugs so I could at least fit in with the rest of my family. This only lasted a few months before I realized that I was lying to myself. I didn’t like how drugs made me feel and I knew I didn’t really fit in, I was ashamed of myself. It was in that moment that I told myself “NO!” This is not who I am and I don’t have to be like the rest of them, I started studying to get my GED and quit using. A few months later I passed and got my GED. I really wasn’t happy with that so I went back to school for a special Diploma bound program so I could finish High School and actually be the only person in my family to graduate. I did and for once I felt pride, in myself and I think my dad was proud of me. At home things were not going as well, my family had went from weed, to coke, to meth and it was one big drug fest party all the time. I went back to my basement world and dove back into my videogames. I got a job at the movie theater and used that money to buy myself a modem for the Super Nintendo, it was my first “internet” experience and I was engrossed in that online world and I mad friends there. Right around that time my brother started to disappear for days at a time and when he was home he was crying and he could never open up about why. It felt familiar and I think I knew why, so one night I got him alone in the basement and I asked him to tell me what was going on, he burst into tears and said that I wouldn’t understand and that I’d hate him. I told him that I could never hate him and that he was my brother. I said “you’re gay aren’t you?” he stopped crying looked me in the eye and said “yes” and we hugged and cried together, I so knew how he felt but I knew I couldn’t tell him how I felt inside because there was no words for me to describe what I was. I wasn’t sure that even he would understand. Especially since I didn’t like guys, but I wanted to support him and I helped him come out to our parents, while I remained in the closet about my feelings.

My Brother coming out was a strange experience, my dad seemed totally shocked but handled it much different than I thought he would. My dad’s brother was also gay so the first thing he did was to call him and he invited a bunch of his family over to talk to my brother. I’ll never forget something my aunt said in that conversation, she said “we all thought it would be Jimbo!” She didn’t know how close she was. It wasn’t long after that that I met a girl online named Cynthia, we hit it off and we both we desperately searching for someone. We started calling each other and quickly developed a relationship, she was worried that I was going to have a problem with her being black and I assured her that I wasn’t like the rest of my family. Soon after she sent me a letter with her picture and I was so excited when I saw it, my mom not so much…. When I showed her she tossed the picture down and said “Not you too!” I was shocked but not surprised at the same time. Growing up it was totally common to hear the word Nigger, especially in Sikeston. When my dad saw he surprised me, he was happy, excited even. He said “I’m going to have grandbabies!” Shortly thereafter I decided that I was going to move in with Cyndy and her family in East Saint Louis as I desperately wanted a change of pace in my life. My parents fought me tooth and nail on this decision (mostly my mom) but I was 19 and not taking no for an answer. So I moved in with her family which was the complete opposite of my family, they were Christian, didn’t smoke, drink, and hung out together a lot. I learned so much about the lives of African Americans and just how prevalent systemic racism was in the world and just how privileged I was. It was quite an adjustment for me but they welcomed me into their home like I’ve always been a part of the family. It was quite an adjustment for me. It didn’t take me long to realize that Cyndy wanted to move out and live separate from her family, so I started looking for work in saint louis, I found a job and we got an apartment in south county and not long after that we got married.

For the next five years we quickly realized that our marriage was one of convenience, both of us just desperately wanted to get away from our families, so we made a poor decision that a lot of young couples make, we decided to have a baby to try to save our relationship. At this point I was the only one working so we were struggling financially. We honestly had no business having a child, but in spite of it all we did. In February of 2000 my son was born. He had a rough go of it from the get go, he was born with severe clubbed feet, and was jaundiced, as well as developing a hernia at only 3 weeks old. I made some poor financial choices and we had to move in with my parents for a few months and that strained our relationship further. Eventually we got a new apartment and we were getting the parenting thing down, everything changed when Alex started preschool. He was very violent and dropping him off was a very difficult experience, we came to find out that he was diagnosed with high functioning autism. It wasn’t long after this that Cyndy told me she wanted a divorce and I found out she had been talking to another guy online and she was in a relationship with him. I agreed that we didn’t need to be married but we should stay together for Alex’s sake. She was having none of that, and said that I needed to move out. This threw me back into a deep depression. I stopped grooming and I spent every minute I could away from her. It broke my heart how this affected my son.

It wasn’t long after that. That I met the girl I would eventually fall in love with. I was at a karaoke night at a bar I had never been too to meet a friend from work, he didn’t show and I was sitting alone at a table. Suddenly a guy from another table looked at me and asked if I was there alone, I said yes and they invited me over to sit with their group. It was there I met Stephanie, she was recently divorced and in a very similar boat to me, being that she was newly single and was drug out to this bar to try to meet people. We instantly hit it off and we were talking about our kids and our recently ended relationships. We laughed, and sang together and by the end of the night I was smiling ear to ear. When we said goodnight I was so giddy that I almost forgot to get her number. Thankfully she didn’t let that happen. She called me for a follow-up date the next day and we quickly fell deeply in love. She helped me to file for my divorce and eventually get full custody of my son when my ex tried to move away with him to Virginia to live with her internet boyfriend. In 2007 we were married. Steph was unlike anyone I ever known, she had a very strong dominant personality, she was an opera singer, had her own house, and had traveled all over the world. She helped me to develop a sense of self and pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. It was then I really started being comfortable being myself and I learned not to be so shy and to get out and meet people. With her help my tiny circle of friends quickly grew and I became more confident. Eventually we went on to start a social group that had monthly meet and greets and I developed a very bubbly social personality. I discovered how much I enjoyed helping other people like me to meet other friends like them and I watched many relationships blossom and found the joy that helping other people brought me. It was in this social group that I met Charlotte Sumtimes and somehow I stumbled into her world of burlesque and drag strip and through that I met a lot of transgender people. It opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. There were people like me and they actually were changing themselves to reflect who they were on the inside. Even still I worried how making a decision like that would affect my marriage so I kept it buried, but somehow deep down I think Steph knew. Shortly thereafter my dad took ill and was nearing the end of his life, he and I both knew he didn’t have long. We talked and he apologized for not being a better parent. I told him that I forgive him and that there was no point holding onto regret. I’m so thankful that he and I had that talk and that I got to be by his side when he drew his last breath.

Sadly as I became more social Steph became more of a home body and we started to drift apart. Eventually for reasons I won’t get into out of respect for Steph, she decided that it would be in our best interest to end the relationship. I’ve never felt pain like I did when I realized it was over. That’s how I knew I didn’t know what love was before Stephanie and that losing that love is one of the most painful things that a person can experience. She did everything she could to make it easier for me. She paid for the divorce, signed her car over to me, and even paid the deposit on my new apartment. I will never forget her kindness in my dark time.

I fell into the deepest depression I’d ever felt, I felt so lost without her. Thankfully I had many new friends to help lift me up when I could not. I eventually decided to start therapy to help myself get over her. That therapy helped me to let go and become independent but something was still missing, something deep inside, like a quiet voice that I’d been ignoring for as long as I could remember. That side I’d I had pushed down and forced myself to forget about for so many years. I was seriously thinking of embracing the true me, nothing else was holding me back. I will never forget the moment that I made up my mind. My best friend made me her “man of honor” in her wedding. And I got to take part in all of the bridal party activities, wedding shows, mani pedis, and most importantly the wedding itself. I remember thinking how badly I wished that I had a beautiful dress like the other bridesmaids and just how happy that thought made me. So while on car ride with another good friend we were discussing a friend of ours that had decided to start their transition to a man. It was in that moment that it slipped out, I said “I’ve been thinking about that too…” there was a silence and my friend said “you’re thinking of transitioning?!” I said yes and started to cry. I voiced my concern that I felt weird that I didn’t like men and she reminded me that one of my other close friends a trans man was in a relationship with another man and that your gender identity and your sexual preference was two completely different things. I felt so relieved, the one thing holding me back finally made sense. So I decided to come out to a larger group of my friends, I had no doubt that they would accept me and I wasn’t wrong. Everyone rushed in to hug me and even started using female pronouns immediately. I started to call other people that were important to me and let them know. Everyone was supportive, it was amazing even my mom who admittedly did not understand said that she would support me no matter what.

The next day many of the same friends gathered for another dinner and we discussed my feelings more and we tried to figure out my new name. We went over many names that night but nothing was really resonating with me. That night after I went home a friend messaged me on Facebook to congratulate me and I told her that I was trying to figure out my new name. She told me that if she were to ever have a child that she always loved the name Ruby. Hearing that struck a chord within me and I knew at that moment I had a new name. Ruby

So one of the people I told was Charlotte Sumtimes and she asked if I’d like to come out on stage at Attitudes during her Kitty show, I said yes and the night of the show came around and I was super nervous. During a break in the show she brought me up on stage and announced me as a dear friend that has been there for her during many of her hard times and she talked about me calling her in tears with a confession and she said Now I’m going to let him tell you himself. So I took the microphone and nervously looked over the crowd and I said that I had decided to finally be true to myself and that I was starting the process to transition to female. The room erupted with cheers and applause and I saw Aiden Control the crowned King of pride that year in tears waiting to hug and congratulate me, then someone yelled out “what is your name” I said “Ruby” and was welcomed by another round of applause.

After that things moved so fast, so many of my friends were donating female clothes, money for my transition, and never ending support. I’ve never felt so much love in my life and it boggled my mind that it was for the one thing I thought that would end me if I were to reveal it. Then came the time I had to come out to my son. He was still in Virginia with his mom for the summer but I couldn’t wait for him to get home. I called him and told him and he responded in such a good way, he said “That’s great!” and he was happy for me. But a few days later I got quite a different phone call from him, he was in tears and he said I was changing to fast and he didn’t want to come home. Then he refused to talk to me, I was heartbroken and it didn’t make sense. It turns out that his mom had filled his head with nonsense. She told him that I wasn’t going to be the same person anymore and that he needed to stay with her, something I’ve become very used to with her. After a few days he finally messaged me and said that he was sorry and he was just scared. Once he came home and saw that everything was the same between us and he was happy again.

My life as a female moved right along after that, I started seeing my therapist as needed to physically start my transition, and started to dress the part full time, and I worked on going out in public and being comfortable with myself. It was then that Charlotte Sometimes contacted me to appear on her radio show The Gayborhood an LGBT talk show, to talk about my experience transitioning thus far. It went well and I had a great time. A few weeks later she contacted me again to ask if I’d like to be a permanent cohost on the show. I joyfully accepted and I became the Trans voice on the show. I was essentially transitioning on the air. I took my first treatment of hormones, talked about the process of legally changing my name to Ruby Victoria Threadgill, walked in heels for the first time, and even announce the legalization of gay marriage in Missouri on the air. Over the next few months on that show I gained quite the following. People that loved hearing my story and wanted to support me and other Trans people in the world. For the first time in my life I experienced what it was like to be popular, I had fans, it was so surreal. It was then that I realized that I could use this to help other people like me. I decided to start a LGBT support group called Generation Next that was focused on LGBT families and their children and how to foster better communication between parents and their children that are discovering themselves and coming out in today’s more accepting climate. I’m still in the process of getting this group off the ground today. In the meantime I spend my time sharing my story on Facebook for my followers with online segment’s like #askRubyTuesday’s where people can ask me any question about me and I’d answer, and #RidewithRuby a (mostly) daily video series where I cover different topics on my ride home from work, and a podcast called Chuck Tested Ruby Approved that I do with my good friend Charlotte Hayward (Chuck) and Bettie Labootie a local burlesque performer, in which we cover a lot of the same topics that we covered on the radio before the station went under.