#and seeing her mom as something more than just an overbearing figure that nags at her for everything she does

[mugentakeda]

the first step ursa and azula take to soothing the severed parts of their relationship involve ursa making azula laugh.

its like a crab shedding the old shell and getting a new one, azula thinks. mother had been tense and paranoid as they made their way out of caldera city, through the colonies, onto a supply ship, and across the ocean for three whole days. then they finally landed in some random earth kingdom harbor and started walking. it wasn’t until the ocean was finally out of sight and they were surrounded by nothing but trees and dirt that mother relaxed.

and how strange is that? azula hadn’t realized that she’d never seen what her mother looks like while relaxed, until she did. it reminds azula to unclench her own jaw and loosen her own tight fists.

azula isn’t worried, though. there isnt a single man walking the earth kingdom that packs as much of a punch as lu ten does, after all. what’s a bunch of mud and rocks to lightning?

however, lu ten has been working himself like a dog picking up day long jobs and favors for any person they come across to make extra coin. they still have plenty left from the jewelry and gold trinkets they traded at the port town, but lu ten is someone that likes to be overly prepared, so he does it anyway. and on top of that, he does katas and sparring with her and zuko every morning at sunrise to make sure they shake some sparks out. until they can find a place that they know for sure they’ll be settling down in, the bending will have to be kept at a low.

so, mother tries to ease his burdens by cooking.

mother quickly discovers that she is no good at cooking.

apparently, even before being wedded to father, she had never been in a situation where she needed to cook for herself. then the servants at the palace cooked for her. but now there are no servants.

zuko took a handful of the rice mother prepared, and spat it right out. he then claims he bit down on a rock.

the sheer dismay on mother’s face combined with the disgust on zuko’s were the funniest things azula had seen in weeks.

she cackles like a hyena-lynx, and doesn’t even notice how her mother turns to her, her dismayed expression shifting to wonder.

[originalhybridloverfics]

Don't Give Up Now Ch5

A/N: With how busy both my work schedule and writing schedule is some of my chapters will be shorter than others but I figured an update is better than nothing.

Anyway, on with the story. Thanks to everyone still reading.

Serkan was usually happy to see his mother but this was not one of those times.

He was more annoyed with her than he could ever remember being and it wasn’t petty annoyance either.

No, he was in the middle of a crucial moment with Eda and felt like they were reconnecting.

Now that moment was gone and he had nothing to show for it as Eda pulled away from him.

His annoyance climbed higher. Why couldn’t his mother have stayed in Instanbul?

He came here to be with Eda. He wanted to create new moments with her before it was too late.

Eda stared at Aydan, thrown by her arrival.

If Serkan was here for business why was Aydan here? Since when did she accompany him on his business trips?

There was something off about her unexpected arrival.

Aydan rushed up the steps throwing her arms around her son. “Serkan! I’ve been so worried. I couldn’t reach you.”

Serkan gently pulled his mother off him. “Mom.”

“Then I went to Art Life and was told you went to Italy.” Aydan continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “Serkan, you shouldn’t be traveling. You need your rest.” Aydan swept her hands over him. “How are you feel-”

“Enough, mom, I’m fine.” Serkan cut off her words. “I came here to work.”

“Work? Serkan in your condition-”

“My condition is fine.” He cut her off again, looking over at Seyfi. “Call Layla, she will let you know where we are staying. Eda and I need to get back to work.”

Eda had watched the exchange and her instincts were going off. Work was the last thing on her mind.

Something was wrong here.

The way Aydan was fussing over Serkan was more than Eda was accustomed to.

Just what in the world was going on here?

“Eda,” Aydan turned to her. “Life appears to have been good to you.”

“I like to think so,” Eda replied. “You’re looking well.” she turned to Seyfi. “It’s good to see you, Seyfi.”

Seyfi beamed. “You too, Ms. Eda.”

“Did you really come all the way to Italy in search of Serkan because you couldn’t reach him?” Eda inquired. “Must’ve been urgent.”

“Of course, every day he has less time be-”

“Because of my busy work schedule.” Serkan cut his mother off, sending her a sharp look.

Aydan stared at her son, a wet sheen to her eyes.

Seyfi shifting nervously on his feet, pressed a comforting hand to Aydan’s shoulder.

Eda stared between them the nagging feeling that there was something she didn’t know. Something Serkan didn’t want her to know and it made her stomach churned violently.

A stark reminder of why she and Serkan didn’t work out in the first place. He couldn’t be honest, preferring to hold things back from her rather than share them with her so they could face it together.

“Yes,” Aydan swallowed. “I understand you have a busy schedule but I was hoping you would have some time for me,”

Serkan fought down his irritation. “We have time later, right now it is important that I focus on work.”

“Serkan, work, it’s not going to matter in the larger scheme of things. You should be enjoying-”

“I do enjoy work.” Serkan shot his mother a warning look. “Which you are interrupting.”

Eda looked in between Serkan and Aydan. The exchange between them feeling off to her. S

She had the thought again that something was going on here.

Something that had Aydan and Serkan in an obvious disagreement that Serkan was doing his hardest to keep from coming to light.

She didn’t know what it was but maybe it was the same thing that brought him here to Italy. To her.

Whatever it was, she was going to find out.

It was about time Serkan Bolat realized there was nothing he could keep from her without her eventually finding out about it.

Serkan painted on a smile, turning to Eda. “Excuse us a moment.”

Serkan took his mother by the arm, leading her back down the steps, barking orders for Seyfi to follow.

He led them away from Eda toward the front doors. “You need to go. Now.”

“Serkan, I came all the way here for you.” Aydan protested.

“I didn’t ask you to,” Serkan spoke through clenched teeth.

Aydan swallowed down her hurt and looked away from him.

Serkan sighed, rolling his eyes heavenward realizing he was being too harsh given the circumstances.

“I understand you’re concerned but I am working hard in mending fences and reconnecting with Eda. I don’t need to be interrupted. It’s better when we are alone.”

“Are you going to tell her?” Seyfi wondered, wringing his hands.

“No,” Serkan's eyes were sharp. “It’s better she doesn’t know.”

“Serkan, she deserves to know.” Aydan protested.

“I won’t have her pity. If Eda and I are to reconcile she can’t know the truth. I don’t want it to influence her decisions.” Serkan ground out.

“You are not being reasonable or fair to Eda, you can’t enter her life and not tell her-” His mother began.

“We will talk about this later.” Serkan cut her off not wanting to risk Eda overhearing them. “You are going to head back to the hotel. Layla will send you directions to where I am staying. I will meet with you later when we can talk freely. Understood?”

Aydan wanted to argue, she wanted to insist but the look on her son’s face told her he would not listen. He was determined to keep his secrets from Eda and Aydan couldn’t help but think he was making a mistake. She couldn’t fight him on it without pushing him away and she didn’t want any more distance between her son and herself.

“Okay,” She agreed and turned to leave, calling for Seyfi to follow.

As soon as they were gone Serkan returned to Eda who was waiting for him.

“Did Ms. Aydan leave without saying goodbye?” She asked.

“She had some shopping she wanted to get done. She just came to insist I have dinner with her.” Serkan answered.

Eda nodded as she walked back down the stairs. She had a feeling, he wasn’t being honest but for now, she wasn’t going to push. “What brings your mother to Italy?”

“Shopping,” Serkan answered.

“Shopping?” Eda sent him a doubtful look. “She could shop online.”

Serkan forced a smile. “You know how extra my mother can be.”

Eda stared at him a moment before looking away. “Let’s look outside.”

“Ok,” Serkan led her out with a hand on her lower back.

“Did everyone you know follow you to Italy?” Eda asked as they walked through the garden.

It hurt her heart to see the flowers here was dying from lack of care but it wasn’t anything she couldn’t fix and add to.

“It appears so but no,” Serkan answered. “Work is like this, however. It takes a team to accomplish great things.”

Eda stopped walking and turned to him. “Are they here for work?”

Serkan stopped. “I don’t understand.”

“What isn’t there to understand.” Eda insisted. “Are they here for work or in relation to you because my instincts are telling me something is going on that I am not aware of?”

“There’s nothing.” Serkan lied. “Work is why everyone is here and my mother is just being overbearing.”

“Okay,” Eda said, she didn’t believe him for a second but she wouldn’t push. He would let his guard down more if it seemed she was not looking for information that he didn’t want her to know. “How about we get back to work.”

“I was hoping to get back to what we were doing before my mother’s untimely interruption.” he lifted his hand and brushed her hair back from her face, his thumb lingering on her cheek.

“Serkan,” Eda step back, causing his hand to fall away. “We got caught up in the moment. It can’t happen again.”

Serkan wanted to argue, wanted to push her to be honest about what she felt, what she wanted but didn’t. It wasn’t right to push her when she was setting boundaries and he had to respect that no matter how much it pained him to be near her and not be with her. “If that is what you want.”

“It is,” Eda said, hoping she sounded more sure than she was.

“Okay,” Serkan nodded. “Tell me your thoughts for the garden.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Eda looked out at the passing roads, the wind blowing through her hair.

It had been a long day spent with Serkan and it was difficult but it was also enjoyable. It was so easy to fall back into the patterns in the past and enjoy his company, feeding off each other’s creativity but it was hard to ignore the attraction, the chemistry between them.

She turned her head and looked at him, the way his hands wrapped around the steering wheel, his jacket tossed to the back seat and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up past his forearms.

“Shall we listened to some music,” Serkan asked her.

“Yes, let's.” Eda reached forward, turning it to the station and allowing the music to wash over her. It was better than the silence that had settled over them heavily with a weight she couldn’t define.

“Do you enjoy working for Efe?” Serkan asked suddenly.

“Are you really asking me about Efe?” Eda asked in surprise. “I know you don’t like him.”

“I’m asking about you,” Serkan answered. Plus, he wanted to know the extent of her relationship with the man who once sabotaged his career.

Eda thought of his question her mind flashing back to Efe trying to interfere in her personal life where Serkan was concerned and felt a wave of irritation with her boss. “It has been educational.”

“More education than when you worked with me?” Serkan asked.

Eda tilted her head at him. “Do you realize how you phrase my relation to Efe and my relation to you differently?”

Serkan chanced a look at her then back at the road. “I don’t understand.”

“You say I work for Efe but refer to my time with Art Life as working with you, not for you.” Eda clarified.

“I never saw you as my employee. You were always more.”

Eda bit down on her lip and really wished Serlkan’s words weren’t so charming. He made it hard for her to maintain her distance.

How the hell was she supposed to not fall in love with him again while trying to find out why he was here?

“Working with Efe is educational in different ways than working at Art Life.” Eda finally answered.

“Different how?”

“For one, his employees aren’t terrified of him.” Eda sent a pointed look in his direction.

Serkan rolled his eyes. “Not everyone at Art Life is afraid of me.”

“Most are,” Eda insisted and Serkan nodded in agreement. After all, she wasn’t exactly wrong.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Eda wanting to remain platonic and professional after the unexpected kiss threw herself into the work for the rest of the day.

When she wasn’t working with Serkan, she was in her office working on other projects.

It was late when Eda left the office, she was surprised to see Serkan in Efe’s office through the glass. They looked to be in a heated discussion.

Her brow furrowed, she had thought Serkan had left earlier with the rest of the Art Life employees.

She step forward, her heels clicking on the floor. She was grateful that neither man seem to have noticed.

She leaned against the door and pressed her ear against it.

While their voices sounded heated and angry, she couldn’t make out their words.

There was her name, and selfishness, and give up, and regret but everything else she couldn’t make out.

It was all so confusing, she pressed harder against the door, hoping to hear better.

She stumbled forward as the door was wrenched open and if it wasn’t for the chest she collided into, she would have went crashing to the floor.

Hands gripped her waist tightly, her eyes on the broad chest in front of her.

She knew who it was before she straightened and looked up, his smell intoxicating her as she breathed him in. “Serkan!”

“Eda, are you alright?” The anger in his green eyes faded, turning into concern.

“Yes,” she stepped back and his hands fell away. She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I am fine, thank you. I was getting ready to call a taxi home when I heard voices.”

“I can take you,” Efe interjected. “I have some things I wish to discuss with you.” He stepped forward next to Serkan. “Privately.”

Serkan bristled. “What could you possibly have to talk about in private?”

Efe cut his eyes at him. “Business.”

“If it’s the same thing as we discussed earlier, forget it. The topic is closed. And we will not be reopening it.” Eda said. She did not need Efe thinking he can but into her relationship or lack of one with Serkan.

“Eda, I am only trying to-”

“Well, stop trying,” Eda cut him off. “I won’t speak more on the matter and neither will you.”

“I’ll take you home,” Serkan interjected and placed his hand on her lower back ushering her forward and away from Efe.

Eda allowed it, she didn’t want to get in another argument with Efe.

She was quiet as they were on the road. Serkan looked over at her. “Do you want to go grab some dinner?

“No, It’s been a long day. I really just want to rest.” Eda answered, over at him with a barey there smile.

Serkan frowned in concerned. “Okay.”

“Plus, you having dinner with your mom,” Eda added.

When Serkan stopped at the red light he reached over turning on the radio to her favorite station.

Eda turned to look at him. Smiling softly at the gesture.

The light turned green and Serkan started the car forward again. Smiling softly as Eda started to sway slowly in her seat to the soft music.

When they arrived at her home it was too soon for him. He wanted to extend their time together but he felt like if pushed Eda would pull away and it was the last thing he wanted.

“Eda,” he said when her hand was on the handle of the car.

“Yes,” Eda looked at him expectantly.

“Thank you for taking the time to work with me. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

Eda nodded. “Good night, Serkan Bolat.”

“Good night, Eda Yildiz.” He smiled. “See you, tomorrow.”

Eda looked at him for a moment and then finally she said. “Yes you will when you come and pick me up tomorrow to take me to the office.”

Serkan watched her go inside, a smile pulling at his lips. He hadn’t been expecting that.

Eda pushed her front door shut behind her and leaned against it with a sigh.

She didn’t know how she was going to work with Serkan every day and not get caught up in her own goal of finding out why he was there but it was too late to turn back now.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Serkan walked into his home he had bought, Engin and Piril were staying in his quest room and Leyla was staying at the closes hotel. She had already returned when he arrived home.

Walking into his home he saw that his mother had made herself and Seyfi comfortable.

They were seated at a table having tea and dessert that Seyfi had prepared.

“Serkan!” Aydan stood and moved to hug him.

Serkan accepted his mother’s embrace before pulling back and motioning for her to retake her seat and then took the one next to her.

“What are you doing here?” Serkan asked, his mother.

“Serkan, you left and you didn’t even tell me,” Aydan said. “I want to spend as much time with you as I can. You refuse to fight this disease, this illness, I have to accept that you are going to be gone one day. Soon. I hate it and I know I can’t change your mind but what I can do is hold onto right now for as long as I can. Don’t ask me to leave Serkan.” tears filled Aydan’s eyes. “I want to be by your side.”

Serkan swallowed heavily. He hated her tears evem more so when they were for him. “Okay.”

Aydan nodded, brushing the tears away from her eyes she looked at her son. “Did you really come here for work or was this just your way of contacting Eda?”

Serkan was silent as he looked at her but his fingers twisted the band on his hand and it was answer enough.

“Serkan, you know it’s unfair to get close to Eda and not tell her what is happening to you.”

“I don’t want her pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity.” Serkan insisted. “Yes, I came here to spend the remainder of my life in her presence but I will not tell her about my health.”

“Serkan-”

“No,” Serkan’s voice was sharp. “I want Eda to be a part of my life not because she feels obligated because I’m dying but because she wants to be there with me.” Serkan looked away his jaw clenching.

“I understand your reasoning, Serkan, I do but what about Eda?” Aydan asked.

Serkan looked back at her confused. “What do you mean?”

“Serkan, Eda, loved you once. Whose to say she won’t fall in love with you again. Have you thought about how losing you is going to affect her? She’s going to be devastated when your gone and wondering why you couldn’t tell her the truth.”

Serkan was quiet, truth be told he hadn’t allowed himself to think about that because he knew he wouldn’t like the answers.

Was he being selfish? Yes.

Still, he couldn't bring himself to turn back now. Seeing Eda, breathing the same air as her, kissing her. It was all he wanted. He could die a happy man as long as his hand was in hers.

She enriched his life every second he spent with her and it was enough for him.

However, he felt if he told her the truth none of it would be real. It would be pity and that was the last thing he wanted from the love of his life.

“Eda, will not find out. Not from me and not from you. You want to stay then fine stay but do not interfere with Eda and I.” WIth those parting words Serkan stood, heading for his room. Sirius following close behind him.

When Serkan turned in that night, it was to the picture of their fake engagement clutched to his chest, dreams of the life he wanted with Eda but will never have, flickering behind his closed lids.

Sometimes dreams were better than reality.

[connywrites]

Shallow

now on [ao3]

-

“I don’t know why I…feel like I need to fight all the time,” Leo admitted. He didn’t notice at all the way he cupped Markus’ cheeks in his hands, looking over his face for any sign of severe injury, as if the android’s wounds would react like a human’s and thus be left irreparable.

“What are you looking for?” Embarrassed, Leo blinked, shaking his head and stepping back with an awkward shrug.

“You did it when I was punched in the face, last time. Guess it just sorta…happened.” Markus’ eyes lit up for a moment, realization striking him with a bit of excitement; he reached out to grab Leo by the arm to share the way his body seemed to jumble in anticipation beneath him, but decided against it as he remembered Leo’s specific sense of personal boundaries.

“That was important, Leo. Do you know what that means?” Looking lost and a bit more tired, Leo did nothing more than throw a gaze that showed he felt overestimated. Pausing, Markus looked sympathetic before he continued speaking, his voice softer with less of a rush to his phrases this time.

“You showed sympathy. Even many androids have difficulty with this. I haven’t seen you go out of your way to check on someone else before.” Leo’s only thought was about how he refused to have this conversation, turning to make haste towards the living room.

“No, wait!” Markus’ voice wasn’t so vigor as still excited, wanting to share this revelation with the person who should be reveling in it in the first place.

“Leo, this isn’t a confrontation. I mean it in a good way.” Markus felt disheartened that Leo never seemed to want to listen, no matter what he was telling him, even when it was a good thing. While he understood to a limited extent how difficult it was to come to terms with yourself, Leo avoided even the slightest hint of it, improvement or not, like the plague. This was what made communicating difficult, and the reason Markus insisted he’d have to follow close behind if he wanted to make his way through to Leo. Again.

“We have to work on this. Anyway, thanks for caring. It’s a good sign, even if you don’t like being told—” Leo whipped around to shoot him a cold glare, licking over his chapped lips and tapping his fingers together to keep himself from swinging punches.

“Remember what we talked about? Not to talk to me like a fucking counselor?” Momentarily stunned, Markus felt ashamed of himself for becoming so overbearing again. In the routine of trying to adjust to Leo’s aggressive personality, he’d began to pick up some confrontative quirks as well, and they weren’t terribly useful or productive secondhand habits.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.” There was no right way to talk to Leo; he just had to soften his tone and try his best, hoping Leo was feeling gracious at the moment with his mood. Today wasn’t his lucky day.

“I hate hearing about all that brain bullshit. You don’t want me to treat you like a computer, I don’t want you to treat me like a weird chunk of meat. It’s annoying and makes you look like a jerk.” As the realization dawned on him, Markus took a moment to step aside for himself this time, leaving Leo looking annoyed with a useless shrug, smacking his hands to his sides in defeat.

“Whatever, man. Sorry I punched you.”

-

"It's just like, I want them to shut up, and it's that easy. You know what makes people shut up? Fists. And bullets."

The serious tone about a matter from a man like Leo, still full of youth and anticipation yet so vicious and opposing, brought unpleasant flashbacks upon Markus as he sat there, listening.

"You wanted me to shut up?" The question immediately felt silly spoken outside his head, considering Leo's nature of shutting out what he didn't like.

"Do you always act like you're the only one in the room?" That time the inquiry was sharp, intended to pry into the part of Leo's consciousness that got him to actually stop and think. It seemed to work as he paused, offense drilling into his chest, causing him to puff up his stature as he often did when feeling threatened by anyone physically larger than him.

"Oh, come on, Markus. You started a war. Don't act like you don't understand wanting someone to just shut up and deal with it. I've never had to use fire to prove my point. I've done a lot of shitty stuff, but I've never shot anyone. My fists are all I've got, dude."

Markus was surprised both by Leo's clarity, the rough disposition he'd been raised in, as well as how right he was; but it was an unfair comparison in his opinion, as he'd had to fight by the masses and that wasn't something Leo had dealt with. Still, they both have done whatever it takes to defend their own lives, and he wished Leo could see that was the point he was trying to make.

-

Leo had forgotten the feeling of twisting guilt, keeping him awake with the nagging truths that always emerged in imagined voices that tore him down. Something internal that sounded external and never failed to remind him how useless and pathetic he was. A couple told him to kill himself on a semi-regular basis. One in the far back sounded like his mom in her worst moments, and any other whisper of his psyche was a replica of negative memories composed into something new and relevant. Mental illness and learning disability had yet to grace his ears with any hope of success, leaving him to firmly believe all the mistakes made in his life were his fault alone, simply for being how he was. It ultimately led up to an intolerable personality that no one wanted to be around, therefore inevitably leaving him on his own again. The way he acted always seemed to be a weird combination of feeling like he was on top of the world, or below the deepest layers of hell yet deserved worse, depending, and it generally changed with the flip of a dime or less. Markus had no idea how to navigate it, but sometimes he said the right thing and got him to calm down; figuring out what it took was another riddle in itself.

-

“Why are you so afraid of success?” Blinking, Leo raised his eyebrows, reminding himself not to be so surprised an android didn’t understand the complicated emotional aspects of life that confused most humans on a daily basis.

“Okay, that, you’re never gonna get. I…don’t think,” Leo corrected himself, realizing his selfishness in assuming again. On second thought, there was no way he could be so sure, as Markus continued to surprise him with the amount of depth he actually did seem to experience emotions. It was confusing and strange, but over time he started seeing it more naturally; it was the majority of his skeptical personality that still had a while to work past.

“That’s the hardest thing. People work their asses off to do something good or useful in the world. Most of the time, it’s not worth it, nothing happens.” He remembered Carl begging him countless times, offering to pay for whatever school or university he wanted; drop the drugs and get an education. You could become something great. Leo hated the way he insisted he had talent, as if he could make something of himself from dirty gutter water when Carl had the world in his hands; it felt unfair and mocking, the way only a rich, comfortable family member sneezing lies and false hopes down to his homeless, beggar dropout of a son could do. He didn’t mean to lie to you, he reminded himself, but wasn’t sure if he believed it.

“I bet you’ve heard dad talk about it all the time. The art industry is fake, any of it, all of it is. If you can draw, or you’re pretty, or you split your tongue in half, or do a cool trick, then you’re cool and popular and you get a bunch of money. None of it means anything – it just screws over low-lives that can’t do anything useful, like me!” While Markus had a solid understanding of politics and how they worked, he’d never considered it from a personal standpoint as he’d never had any real reason to, leaving him withdrawn as he listened to Leo.

“All rich people do is give money to other rich people while poor people can barely get by with a fucking dayjob, and that’s without talking minimum wage or felony charges.”

“Your father gave you plenty of money, Leo. You spent it on drugs.”

“That’s not the point!” Leo snapped his fingers before they tangled in his hair as he steamed over what the original topic was, realizing he’d derailed himself.

“Okay, whatever. It’s just, the system’s rigged and I’m not gonna let it fuck me any harder.” Markus visibly winced from the image the words painted in his mind.

“I said success,” Markus notified him.

“What you’re talking about is failure.” Leo scratched his head, almost missing the wisdom in a moment of confusion, but after a second of forced focus, he caught on.

“Uh. Yeah. I mean, I guess.” Of course he’d never made the connection before, when every outcome depended on how he took on the next challenge, and that never went well. He’d never succeeded, so he never expected to, and thus never saw a reason to try, a self-fulfilling prodigy of his own fear of working hard only to fail.

“It’s harder to stay sober if you don’t have long-term goals. Right?” Markus reminded himself not to talk over Leo, lest he get smacked across the face a few more times.

“Yeah, they mention that,” Leo replied, although reluctantly, averting his gaze with a sigh.

“Any job in the world. Which one would you want?” Leo scoffed with a twitch of one eyebrow, quirking it and tilting his head as if he couldn’t believe the words he’d heard.

“Oh, that’s cute. You read that from the therapy book? Haven’t heard that question before.” Markus waited patiently until Leo’s body posture slouched and lowered, signaling he was ready to continue on without further antagonization.

“If I had to work doing something all my life to earn sleeping and eating, I might as well do something useful. I’d build, but I can’t measure anything. Farming means knowing how to take care of plants, and you think that’s easy? No way! Everything’s complicated, o-or overdone, or overrated and underpaid and I don’t want to deal with it. Okay? Not school, not a job, nothing. I’m not slaving under some fatass for a car I’m never gonna afford to funnel money into until I die. It’s just… I can’t do it.” Dad’s inheritance will be enough, he thought, but not only didn’t want to say it, but he wasn’t entirely sure with how undependable his spending habits were—there was a reason he wasn’t supposed to have it yet and he knew that, whether he liked it or not.

“What would you do under different circumstances, then?” Markus continued.

“Just, because you wanted to.”

This question struck him silent for a long minute as Leo wasn’t sure what to say. Did he have actual interests? For the most part, he did what he had to for the sake of getting by, not necessarily for fun or leisure.

“I think you don’t like anything to do with obligation,” Markus pointed out, keeping his voice calm so as not to agitate Leo further with his words. The sentence was already slightly accusatory in nature, but he was hoping to hold Leo’s attention long enough to explain himself properly.

“You’re fine with plants, but farming sounds impossible to you. I know you’ll find ways to make money if it suits you, but not if you have to. If you look at the world that way, of course you’ll bring yourself to failure without even trying. Literally.” Leo wore a brighter tint on his cheek in the moment of surprise at being called out so well, considering he’d never been confronted so precisely before.

“It’s complicated,” he excused with a stiff shake of his head, avoiding the subject with a step to the side as he turned to walk towards the kitchen. He didn’t have to see Markus following him to know he was approaching, turning to deflect him as soon as he’d neared the dining table.

“You know what will get you by in this world? Knowing your needles, plants and your guns. What can kill you and what can save your life. The kind of glock that officer shot you with? Those wounds would kill a human on the spot.” In a moment of feeling brave, he pulled up the waistline of his shirt, revealing a few of the scattered scars across his torso before pointing to a deeply engraved, round one on the right side of his chest, a few inches below and to the right of his nipple and tucked between where a pair of ribs were if he didn’t take a deep breath. Markus blinked with a sympathetic lift of his eyebrows as he eased his expression.

“I know that you want to stand for the same sorta thing,” Leo aggressed.

“But you getting shot, and this? It’s not gonna be the same. You can’t feel pain, and no matter how many emotions you think you have, you’ll never know agony.”

“Leo, both of us can breathe, and bleed, and die. Thinking and feeling is all part of that experience,” he explained, yet didn’t sound so sure, even to himself. Leo’s point was made and understood, as Markus agreed that he was right in the fact there was never going to be a way for himself to experience or understand physical pain. His frustration was less in the difference of comparing events and tragedies, like how Leo seemed to be dealing with, and moreso in the fact he wanted to aid Leo with metaphorical weapons to fight in this war yet felt helpless as he had nothing to offer, and Leo was only widening the gap between them.

Leo wanted to argue back but stopped beforehand this time as something within him made him realize spilling the words wouldn’t be worthwhile for once. Arguing about death and injury was depressing, anyway, and it wouldn’t get either of them anywhere; so, dropping the subject, he left.

Again.

[thekatthatbarks]

Shikasaku: 12. When we lay together on the fresh spring grass

Thanks for sending in the prompt, Mousey! I hope you love it, doll!

A Little Something

Also on ao3 and ffn

"Hey, Sakura!" Sakura turned around at the call of her name and smiled when she saw it was Naruto running up to her. He had that goofy grin of his and his Hokage robes flew with him as he ran, his hat bouncing off his back from where it was tied.

"What's up, Naruto-sama?" Sakura couldn't help but tease him with a smile. Naruto had only been in office a few months and still got this embarrassed grin any time anyone ever called him Hokage.

Sure enough, he scratched his nose with a wide smile. "Sakura-chan, I told you to call me Naruto."

Sakura shrugged simply saying, "Robes." It was something they had all been arguing about since he took the seat. Naruto felt odd whenever someone close to him used the honorific and had tried to get his friends to just not use it. But no one wanted to take that away from him, so they'd compromised. Robes on was Naruto-sama and Hokage-sama. Any other time he was just Naruto. They were sure he'd get used to it eventually.

Naruto looked down at himself almost as if he'd forgotten he was wearing them. He sighed and looked back to her with a nod. "Right."

Sakura chuckled and then asked him a little more serious, "Is there something wrong? I was on my way to the hospital, but if you need me…" As much as he tried to walk around the village and see everyone, Naruto didn't get many chances to. For him to come looking for her himself made her a little worried.

Naruto waved off her worries, but his smile fell slightly. "Oh, no, nothing like that. I just wanted to talk to you about something."

Sakura nodded and began walking again with Naruto next to her. "Okay."

"It's just…" Naruto stared ahead of them like he was trying to find the words. "Shikamaru's been a little stressed lately. He became my advisor like we'd always planned, but he also kept his position as Jounin Commander. I think he's just having a hard time adjusting to the added work load."

Sakura's heart sunk at what he said. She'd been wondering what had been bothering Shikamaru lately. Whenever she saw him, he seemed tired and more irritable. It had also been hard trying to get a chance to spend time with him at all. He was always so busy and now that Naruto put it that way, she could see why. She looked at Naruto with a sad smile. "Here I thought, there wasn't much Shikamaru couldn't handle."

Naruto laughed. "Yeah, well, I think he'll be fine. He just has to get in the hang of things. We're both still learning all of this."

Sakura nodded, comforted by the thought that there really wasn't much Shikamaru couldn't handle. It just sucked that he was having a harder time handling things now.

When Naruto didn't say anything else, she asked him, "Is that it? What you wanted to talk about?"

He nodded and she looked at him a little confused. He could have told her all of this tomorrow when they had plans. It seemed odd that he felt like he had to come find her and tell her. "Well, if you think he'll figure it out himself, why'd you feel the need to come find me out of all people and to tell me that?"

Naruto just stared at her for a second and then he snorted, cocking an eyebrow at her. "You? Out of all people? Sakura, come on."

"Come on, what?" Sakura feigned ignorance, though she had inkling of what he was implying. She didn't really feel like going into that, though. At least not now.

Naruto rolled his eyes at her and crossed his arms behind his head. "Come on, Sakura. No need to play dumb. Everyone knows what's going on between you and Shikamaru."

Sakura felt her cheeks redden. Everyone? She looked away from him, making him chuckle. She thought about denying it, but that would probably just end up making her divulge more than she wanted to in the end. She shrugged nonchalantly, trying to smoothly summarize her relationship with Shikamaru. "We're just…it's not like – um, he just – I…" She failed miserably.

Naruto laughed, took pity on her and patted her arm comfortingly. "You don't have to explain, Sakura. I get it. I wasn't going to ask about it, anyway. I just thought I'd let you know what was going on. Maybe you could – I don't know – do a little something for him."

Sakura felt her skin flame up and she reactively hit Naruto on the arm, not hard enough to hurt him too bad, but to at least leave a bruise. In her embarrassment, she dropped his honorific as she glared at him. "Naruto!"

He looked at her in complete shock, rubbing his arm. "What? What did I –" His eyes widened and then he started laughing. "Sakura, I didn't mean it like that."

Her blush deepened and she looked away from him. Then, she heard him mumble, "I mean, unless, you wanted to…"

When her head whipped back to him, he just gave her a cheeky grin. She sighed, biting the inside of her cheek. He was just teasing her. It would be better to wait for the right moment and make him feel as embarrassed as she felt right now. "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

Naruto chuckled and came to a stop in the road. "Well, I should be heading back."

Sakura's face softened and she smiled at him. "Thanks for telling me."

He just grinned at her and gave her a wink – that she was not going to think about was implying – before disappearing back towards the Hokage Tower.

***

Sakura waited around an hour at the hospital, thinking Shikamaru must just be running late. It wouldn't be a first time. But when he was about to be almost two hours late, she started getting a little worried. She decided to go look for him, telling her head nurse if he came by to let him know where she went.

She tried the Tower first, but when she ran into Kotetsu he told her he had seen Shikamaru leave a few hours ago. Trying to not let that worry her, she went to the next place she thought he'd be. But when she got to his favorite hill to cloud watch, he wasn't there either. Her next thought would be that he must have gotten held up with Ino and Choji, but then she remembered they had a date tonight, so that possibility wasn't likely.

She doubted something was actually wrong with him, but she couldn't stop that nagging worry in the back of her mind. If he was ever late to any plans they had, he would somehow let her know, by either sending someone or a messenger bird if he had to. She felt a little nervous as she walked to her next guess, but she tried to shake it off. Now that she had worked herself up looking for him, she had to find him. She knew she was overreacting, but she didn't think Shikamaru would mind that she was worrying about him. It wasn't like it was a bad thing.

Sakura had always found Shikamaru's mom a little intimidating and that may be all because of how he talked about her when they were younger. She was strict and overbearing, always nagging. Sakura had kept in mind, though, that Shikamaru was a very lazy child so his mother couldn't have been overreacting all the time. But as she walked up to her front door, she had her own reasons for being nervous. She'd been around her more the past few months since she started seeing Shikamaru. She was always so happy to see Sakura and Sakura liked her too even if she was a little headstrong. There wasn't anything wrong with that. She didn't feel as nervous as she used to around her, but it was still there.

Yoshino answered the door with a surprised smile when she saw that it was Sakura. She must have been washing dishes because she had a rag in her hand that she was drying her hands with. She grabbed Sakura's arm and pulled her inside. "Sakura-chan! It's so nice to see you."

Sakura smiled at her and let herself be pulled to the kitchen. "You, too, Yoshino-san."

Yoshino grabbed some glasses from a cabinet and poured each of them some tea. Sakura took it with a small thanks when she handed it to her. Yoshino started to ask her, "So, what brings you by? Shikamaru said –" Her smile fell and then she said, "He never went to go get you, did he?"

Sakura looked at her surprised that she knew they had plans and shook her head. "No, he didn't. How did you – so he is here?"

Yoshino glared out the window. "Yes, I'm sure he's still out there since you haven't seen him. Probably fell asleep." She mumbled something under her breath that Sakura pretended to not hear.

Sakura knew Yoshino was mad for her sake, which was heartening in a way but she didn't want him to get in trouble. He had enough on his plate as is. She gave Yoshino a small smile glancing out the window at the Nara Forest, knowing Shikamaru was probably lying in a field somewhere. "Don't be mad at him, Yoshino-san. He's been really stressed lately with the added work of being Naruto's advisor. I'm not surprised he fell asleep somewhere. He probably needs it."

Yoshino's shoulders slumped and she sighed after taking a drink of her tea. "I figured it had to be something like that. He looked so worn out earlier." She looked back to Sakura with a gentle smile. "You're good for him, you know."

Sakura blushed and had no idea what to say in response. Yoshino didn't seem to mind, though, and looked out the window continuing, "He's been happier since you two started spending so much time together." She gave Sakura a sly smile, making her blush deepen. "He doesn't tell me to stop nagging him as much anymore. So, thank you."

Sakura gave her a nervous laugh and replied awkwardly, "You're welcome."

Yoshino chuckled, probably at her expense. Before Sakura could feel any more embarrassment, she set her glass down on the counter and leaned towards the back door. "You don't mind if I go look for him?"

She shook her head. "Of course not, Sakura-chan. You're welcome in the Nara grounds any time. You don't have to ask."

Sakura smiled at her before stepping through the door. "Thank you."

Shikamaru had brought her out here only a few times. It was larger than most people knew, at least than she had expected. It could take hours to find him, but she figured he was in the small field he'd showed her before. He'd said he liked to go there when he didn't want to be bothered, which was probably how he was feeling today.

Sakura was quiet as she walked, making sure to avoid any twigs or leaves so she wouldn't startle any of the deer. When she finally reached the small field, she was relieved to finally see Shikamaru. He was laying in the grass obviously fallen asleep like his mother had guessed. Sakura leaned against a tree just looking at him with a soft smile. She didn't know how long he'd been there, but he'd made himself comfortable. He'd taken off his flak jacket and was using it as a pillow curled up on his side. His pony tail was a mess, his dark hair falling out of it. He looked adorable.

As she walked over to him, she noticed with amusement that a small deer had even gone and laid down next to him. It looked up at her when she reached him but when she simply laid down beside him, it put its head back down. She wanted to reach out for him but was worried she would wake him up, which she didn't want. He obviously needed the sleep and she didn't mind laying there for a while longer. She watched him as his chest rose with his breath as he slept. Her eyes traced over him from the arch in his eyebrow down the slope of his nose to the curves of his lips. He wasn't even awake but just from looking at him caused a flutter in her chest.

She felt warm lying next to him on the soft grass. She turned her eyes to the sky above them. The stars were starting to peek out through the warm pinks and purples that faded into blue. It was a nice view.

***

Shikamaru woke up to something he wished he could wake up to everyday. Sakura was lying next to him, her emerald eyes staring up at the sky with a soft expression. Her long pink hair was in swirls on the grass, a beautiful contrast to the dark green. Her skin had this warm glow to it and he found himself reaching out for her without thinking. She looked over at him when he grabbed her arm and he smiled at her tiredly. She smiled back at him making him feel warm despite the slight chill in the air. Then, he realized.

"Dammit," he cursed and sat up looking up at the sky. It was already nightfall. He sighed and looked down at Sakura apologetically. "I was supposed to go pick you up. I'm sorry, Sakura. I only meant to lay down for a few minutes and it's already so late."

Sakura smiled at him and grabbed his hand pulling him down to her to where his head rested on her chest. She learned her head against his combing her fingers through his hair and taking his ponytail out. "It's okay, Shika. It's barely nine. We can stay here a little longer."

Shikamaru sighed and relaxed against, his heart skipping a beat from her calling him Shika, even though it was far form the first time. A lot of things about their relationship had changed over the last few months, but that had to be one of his favorites. He loved the way it rolled off her lips, affectionate and intimate. He reached out for her hand and intertwined their fingers, stroking his thumb across her soft skin. Another favorite of his.

He couldn't even pinpoint when things had changed. It had just been gradual, something neither of them had even noticed happening. They'd started spending more time together and then it slowly turned into always seeking the other out when they were free. It felt natural for him to one day reach out and grab her hand, her surprised blush one of his favorite memories. More casual touches followed; her hand on his knee under the table at dinner, his arm wrapped around her waist as they walked, her playfully pulling out his ponytail while he was cooking. He didn't even remember thinking it through when he first kissed her. She'd come back from a long mission and it had just felt right to. Another thing he didn't think he'd ever be able to forget.

They never talked about it, what was going on between them. It was probably why they hadn't really outright told anyone. But they had this unspoken understanding between them and Shikamaru knew everyone could see it. It wasn't like they hid it, they just didn't talk about it. No one had commented on it either, at least yet. Shikamaru was sure Ino would snap at soon and demand details. But until then, he was comfortable just like this and he knew Sakura felt the same.

Even so, he still felt like he should tell her something. Some kind of promise, or acknowledgement, just something. She was all he thought about whenever he had the chance to think about anything besides work. He looked forward to when he would see her again. He missed her when she wasn't with him, even more when she was away on a mission. He fell asleep thinking about her and woke up wondering if he could catch breakfast with her if he hadn't already slept over. She deserved to know how he felt or at least have some sort of idea.

He lifted his head and leaned over her looking down at her. She smiled up at him melting his heart and he brought his hand up to cup her cheek. He loved how she instantly leaned into his touch. Thousands of words ran through his mind of how to say it. I love you ran by more than once, but he thought it was too soon to say that even if it was true. So, he told her simply, "You make me happy."

Her smile widened and she used the hand on the back of his head to pull him down for a sweet kiss. She told him against his lips in a warm voice, "You make me happy, too."

He kissed her again, this time longer and he could feel how her fingers tugged lightly in his hair. When he pulled away from her, she looked up at him slyly and said, "Guess what I bought today?"

He held back a chuckle at her obvious excitement and asked, "What?"

"Mackerel." She grinned, knowing it was his favorite, and let her hand trailed down to his chest. "I have a recipe from your mom that I've been wanting to try, so why don't we head to my apartment? I'm sure you're starving since you decided to sleep the day away."

He laughed and got to his feet, pulling her up with him. He felt a warmth grow in his chest as she slipped her smaller hand in his and they walked back towards the village. Growing up he never thought he'd have this with Sakura despite the small crush he'd always had on her. Now, he couldn't see ever not having this with her.

***

"Hey, Shika?" Sakura said as they were washing dishes after dinner. "Did you sleep well earlier?"

Shikamaru thought about it, realizing he had probably slept around three hours straight. He'd needed it, but he regretted sleeping for so long. He would probably have a hard time falling asleep tonight. He replied as he put the last dish in the dry rack, "Yeah, I guess. Why?"

Sakura shrugged as she dried her hands with a rag. "Oh, no reason." Then, turned to him with that coy smile of hers and pulled him closer to her by his shirt. Her eyes followed her hands as they slithered up to his chest and then came back down his arms. "I just had a little something for you." She looked up at him and told him in a teasing voice, "But you know what? I think I might be just a little too tired."

She watched as his eyes widened slightly, a red tint covering his cheeks. His hands came to grip her waist and he said, "Oh, I don't know, Sakura. I think you've got some pretty good stamina."

She stepped away from him with a yawn and walked out of the kitchen towards the bedroom. "Hm? I don't think so. I'm pretty beat."

He came up and grabbed her from behind pulling her back to him. He kissed her cheek and complained, "You're such a tease."

Sakura held back a giggle and moved out of his arms again. It was just so much more fun to play with him. She walked backwards until her back hit her door and shook her head. "Really, though, you might have to put some coffee on or I'm going to pass out before we even make it to the bed."

Shikamaru glared at her playfully and said in a serious tone, "Don't think I won't, miss little something."

Sakura laughed and grabbed his hand before leading him through the door.

***

Naruto coughed again for the third time in the past twenty minutes – obviously fake – and Shikamaru sighed. He gave in and finally looked over at him. "What is it, Naruto-sama?"

Naruto gave him a smug look with this knowing grin that Shikamaru wasn't entirely sure he was comfortable with. "You're welcome."

Shikamaru looked at him confused. "What?"

Naruto leaned back in his chair and put his arms behind his head. "You haven't looked like you were dragging your feet today. You keep smiling randomly. Something good obviously happened. So, you're welcome, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru still had no idea what he was talking about, but nodded anyway with an amused smile. "Okay, Naruto-sama. Then, thank you."

[melanie-writes-supernatural]

The Stand-In Part 6

A/N: Oh boy I have two finals and a test this week, and the rest of my finals shortly thereafter. I probably won’t be posting much.

Word count: 2327

Pairing: Firefighter!DeanXReader

Warnings: I don’t think there are any in this one actually. It’s a miracle.

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

~

“Mom, no I’m not ignoring you–No. No, I just…” she trails off and throws her hands up in the air as she sighed into her phone. “Mom. Mom, just listen to me.”

She groans when her mother keeps on complaining, talking about how something serious could’ve happened when she tried to call last night.

And no one would’ve ever known.

At least, that’s what her mom keeps saying.

“Mom, I was on a date,” she finally says, and her mother goes silent on the other end of the phone. “Yes, a date.”

She covers her face as her mother starts questioning her rapid fire about her supposed date.

“Mom! I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself,” she finally groans, resting her head on the cool countertop of the bar as she lets her mother ramble. “Mom, just give me thirty seconds to talk and then you can nag me, please.”

After a few more quick comments, her mother goes quiet, and she seizes her opportunity.

“Okay, so I was on a blind date but the guy stood me up so Dean stepped in and we hit it off and then we went on a date,” she explains in the shortest terms she can manage. “I was at the bar when you called, I didn’t hear my phone ring.”

Instantly she regrets her words, and she looks up to Dean tiredly.

He just gives her a little smirk as he listened to one side of the conversation, getting the gist of it all from her responses.

“Mom, no he didn’t take me to a bar for a date,” she moans, banging her head on the counter. “No! Mom, no! We went to the park and then got some food and afterward we went to the bar. I’m the one who suggested the bar, Mom.”

She closes her eyes and holds back a whimper as her mother erupted into her speech about being safe at the bar, and how she should only drink her own drink, and how she shouldn’t trust strangers.

She looks up when she feels warm hands on her neck, rubbing out the tension from a single conversation.

Dean smiles and presses a quick kiss to her shoulder as he continued rubbing for her.

“Mom, how about I talk to him and see if he’d like to come with me for a visit?” she finally offers. “I can’t guarantee anything, but if you meet him it’ll stop you from worrying my ear off.”

Her mother goes on for a few more moments before finally agreeing on meeting Dean, if he’d visit.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him and let you know,” she says, trying to wrap up the conversation before anything else came up. “Okay, I’ll call you back after I talk to him. I love you, Mom.”

She bites her lip as she goes on, leaning back into Dean for support.

“Okay, Mom. I’ll let him know. Okay,” he exhales. “Okay, I love you. Now, bye.”

Finally, her mother bids her goodbye and hangs up, and as soon as the phone line is dead, she releases a long drawn moan of frustration.

“Sounds like you had a good talk,” Dean says, and she looks up at him with a halfhearted glare.

“She means well, but she just… She doesn’t realize I’m a grown adult who can take care of myself,” she explains tiredly. “She can go on for days if you let her.”

Dean smiles solemnly, and she turns in her chair to face him.

“So…” she breathes, trying to figure out how to break the news. “She wants to meet you.”

“She does know that we’ve only been seeing each other for a week, right?” he asks, and she laughs.

“I could’ve sent you one text message and she’d want to know your life story. A week is an eternity for my mother,” she explains. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, I just… I had to get her to shut up before she gave me the safe sex lecture. Again.”

“I’d love to meet your family,” he says honestly. “If you’re gonna marry me, it seems the smartest move.”

She has to roll her eyes as he gives her a little smirk with his comment, making her stomach quiver with something she’s never felt before.

“Are you sure?” she asks. “My mom is pretty overbearing sometimes. She’s gonna want to know everything.”

“Everything?” he prompts, raising an eyebrow.

“How old are you, what’s your job, how many girls have you slept with, what do you want with my daughter, are you going to keep her safe… You get the point,” she lists. “She does this with every guy I’ve been with.”

“And how many is that?” he asks with a twinkle in his eye. “If I’m gonna have to spill all my secrets, I think it’s only fair that I know some of yours.”

“I’ve taken two home to mom. Dated three,” she answers. “Number three didn’t even make it a full week before I called it off. He was not what I was looking for in a guy.”

“And why is that?” Dean asks, cocking his head to the side some.

“He just… He never made any decisions. He wasn’t decisive on anything,” she shrugs. “He asked me where to go for our date, and what to eat, and everything else. It felt completely one-sided. Everything was about me, and I guess some girls like that but I felt like he just really didn’t know what to do and was letting me do what I wanted because of that.”

“Note taken,” Dean murmurs. “Don’t let you wear the pants in this relationship.”

She laughs for a moment, then bites her lip, looking to him.

“Seriously, though,” she pauses, and he catches her gaze. “I’m gonna be totally cliche here. What… What are we?”

“We,” he grins, “are a couple of people who go on dates and meet each other’s families. I think that’s called a boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Even if it’s only been a week?” she asks hopefully.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling things in places I’ve never felt before,” he says honestly. “And I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, but god damn it if I’m gonna let it go.”

“Yeah, I’m feeling some things too,” she mumbles, her cheeks tinting pink. “You’re the first guy I’ve let stay over at my house two days in a row.”

“The bar is set low, then?” he teases, and she makes a face.

“I don’t know,” she shrugs, pursing her lips. “Just… Never wanted a guy to stay over before you.”

“It’s because of how I wake you up, Sweetheart,” he winks. “Admit it.”

Her cheeks flush dark pink as she remembers yesterday morning.

“That was pretty nice, but I’m not going to feed your ego any more,” she finally admits, watching his smirk grow.

He leans in and seals his lips to hers, making her pause and realize that this is the first time he’s kissed her on the lips.

He pulls away after just a second, his eyes holding a questioning expression.

“You couldn’t have been more romantic than that?” she asks, and he lets out a loud laugh.

“I thought you didn’t like cheesy and romantic?” he returns, taking a tiny piece of her hair to pull on it gently. “Make up your mind.”

“I don’t know what I like and don’t like when it comes from you,” she pouts, and he laughs again. “You’re just making everything… Hard.”

“Woah there,” he says, and she makes a face at him. “That’s kinky.”

“Shut up!” she pushes at his chest, making him take a step back. “You know what I meant. You make things difficult.”

“Really? Because I thought I’ve been exceptionally easy to deal with,” he says smugly, and she exhales heavily, trying to keep the smile off of her face.

“The way you can just brush everything off both pisses me off and makes me envious at the same time,” she tells him. “You’re like… Nothing can bother you.”

“Trust me Sweetheart, you just haven’t found it yet,” he grins, biting his bottom lip. “So are you gonna call your mom back and tell her I’ll come meet her?”

“I need at least an hour reprieve before I talk to her again,” she says, and he smirks.

“If you just do it now and get it over with, you don’t have to do it later,” he states, and she just shrugs. “Call your mom back. Just get it done with.”

“I don’t want to, she’s just going to ask a bunch of questions,” she sighs. “And she’ll want to know how I asked you so quickly, and then she’ll put it together and realize that you’re here with me now, and then she’ll really lose her shit.”

“Just call her, and I’ll make some breakfast, and after that we can find something to do,” he says, resting his hands on her shoulders. “I’m off Wednesday and this weekend, whichever is easier for her.”

“I thought you worked during the week?” she asks questioningly.

“I covered Adam’s shift the other day, so I got his day off because he got mine,” Dean explains. “So I’m free on a weekday for the first time in a century.”

“Awesome, I’ll see if I can get Jamie to cover my shift then, and I’ll tell Mom to make dinner on Wednesday,” she nods to herself.

She looks at her phone and groans for a second before she picks it up, redialing her mother’s number.

“Hey, Mom, how does Wednesday sound?” she starts the conversation quick, because she knows that otherwise it’ll drag on for another twenty minutes. “No, he works this weekend and-”

“I don’t work this…” he trails off when she shoots him a fierce glare.

“Yeah, Wednesday is the best day. If it’s too soon, maybe when could get together another time or something,” she offers, crossing her fingers though she knows that nothing will help. “Okay then. Wednesday at seven. We’ll be there.”

She offers Dean a hopeful smile as the conversation seems to have gone rather quickly.

“Okay. Love you and see you soon. Bye,” she says, and she hangs up.

Her eyes lift to Dean’s, and she shakes her head slowly.

“That’s the shortest conversation I’ve ever had with my mom, ever,” she says emphatically.

“Why did you tell her that I work on the weekend?” he asks, and she grins sheepishly.

“If it’s on a weekday, we can escape after a few hours. On the weekends, she’ll want to do lunch, then talk and talk and talk until dinner, and then talk some more,” she explains, and he laughs.

“You’re devious when you make plans,” he states.

“No, I’m smart,” she retorts. “I thought you were making me breakfast?”

“I didn’t know what you wanted, Sweetheart,” he murmurs. “You’re in a mood this morning.”

“Sorry, I just… I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow, and I haven’t done anything that I usually do on the weekends, so I’m kinda stressing,” she admits. “It’s been really nice having you over, but I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done.”

“You can do whatever while I’m here, you know,” he says, leaning on the counter. “I’m not picky, and I won’t get weirded out or anything by you doing laundry or something.”

“I’d feel like a bad host,” she protests. “I need to sweep and mop and do laundry and the dishes, and I really should clean up my room some. It’s messy.”

“You sound like a teenager who put off all her chores until an hour before her parents come home,” he admits. “And your room isn’t that messy. You could make it another week.”

“Dean, don’t encourage my bad habits,” she scolds, huffing.

“Look, Sweetheart, if you want I could head home so you can get some stuff done,” he says, and she frowns.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m kicking you out,” she states.

“It’s okay, I have stuff to get done too,” he says with a grin. “Besides, we need some time apart. We’ve been together all weekend.”

“Am I being overbearing?” she asks suddenly, gnawing on her bottom lip. “This is all going too fast, isn’t it?”

“Hey there, calm down,” he rests his hands on her shoulders. “We’re both adults here, and we both have responsibilities of our own. It’s okay to get sometime apart. You’re not overbearing, but we do need some time apart. We don’t want to get too dependent on each other, you know?”

“You’re right. It’s only been a week,” she says to convince herself. “Okay. Yeah.”

“You okay?” he asks with a smile. “You’re making a big deal of this, and it’s just me going home.”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she nods. “I’m just wondering if this is the right thing to do, because I’ve never felt anything like this before and I don’t want to make a mistake and-”

He kisses her, quick and hard.

When he pulls away, she’s shocked into silence.

“Calm down. It’s okay,” he says, and she nods. “I’ll see you Wednesday. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere any time soon.”

“Okay,” she whispers as he gives her a lingering hug.

“I’ll call you tonight?” he suggests, and she nods quickly. “Good.”

He smiles and gives her a peck on the cheek before gathering his things and leaving out her front door.

She watches as he departs, trying to fight the growing unease in her belly.

Something feels wrong, like she forgot to do or say something, or maybe she shouldn’t have let him leave.

After a few moments, she decides to let it go, trusting that she made the right decision, and makes her way back to the kitchen.

And then it hits her.

That fucker left without making her breakfast.

~

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~

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[trey-ff]

ONE.

SONYA

“Thank you.” I replied to the manager before hanging up the phone. I had just ordered something to eat from one of my favorite take-out restaurants, Sorrento. Though I was nine-months into my pregnancy, the cravings that I had developed months prior never seemed to cease, no matter how hard I tried to integrate healthier options into my diet for me and my unborn son’s sake. Losing this baby-weight would be a son-of-a-bitch.

Padding towards the front-door with a hand caressing my baby-bump, I peered out of the window at nothing in particular. The sun had set and considering I lived twenty minutes from Las Vegas, things were seemingly quiet in my neighborhood for a Saturday night. Then again, there was never that much commotion anyway.

Contrary to what most people perceived Nevada to be, solely based on the outlook that Vegas gave it, it was actually not at all like that. I mean, there were casinos and 24-hour attractions scattered everywhere, but everyday was not some big, never-ending party. At least, not to the people living there.

Just like every other place, we had careers, though, they mostly revolved around the hospitality scene provided in bars, casinos, and restaurants. While there were people who worked for these establishments, there were also people who owned them, as entrepreneurship was another big thing in Vegas. A smart individual knew that in order to be set for life in Vegas, you had to reap the benefits of the tourists, attractions, and nightlife. Essentially, everyone’s income was generated by the tourism because you would never catch a local down on the Strip, unless we were working or entertaining our out-of-town pals.

We had homes, too. Most locals that I knew worked in California, but lived in Vegas, or vice versa. I, on the other hand, both lived and worked in Vegas. Well, as of late, I had been out of a job due to my abrupt pregnancy, but before then, I worked three jobs, all circling hospitality and leisure. I worked as a bartender at a restaurant, a blackjack dealer at a casino, and a server at a nightclub. Yup, I rotated through all of these shifts, seven nights out of the week.

If someone had told me five years ago that I would be doing that shit, I would have laughed in their face. There was no way that a sheltered girl from San Diego who had dreams of becoming an interior designer and had even went to college for it, would throw away her aspirations to be consumed by Sin City.

But, shit happens.

I had first moved to Vegas from California when I was twenty-two years old; that was four years ago. The scene was way out of my comfort-zone, but that was the experience that I was aiming for. I needed an escape from what I was going through at the time and more than anything, I wanted independence. I felt that I had something to prove to my mother and older sister, who had coddled me all my life. I was an adult and could make adult decisions; I didn’t need them.

As one could imagine, being in Vegas by my lonesome at such a young, inexperienced age left me vulnerable to many things. There were times where I had gotten drunk out of my mind, partied until the crack of dawn, even tried drugs; all things that anyone who truly knew me, wouldn’t know me to do. In two years time, Vegas had swallowed me whole and I was spiraling out of control, mostly due in part to the fact that I was hanging with the wrong crowd of people. People who didn’t really want the best for me, people who my father had once warned me about. That was until, Ebony, my sister, turned her concerned visits into a permanent stay.

Growing up, all we ever had was each other so, while our friends and family thought it was insane of her to uproot from her lifestyle just to follow me to Vegas, I was the least bit surprised. She was loyalty personified; she would give up life and limb for me. She was always quite protective of me and when it had been declared that I had been too digested by my newfound life, she felt obligated to be with me and to be honest, I loved having her so close. It provided me with a sense of security and familiarity.

Just as I began slipping into a senseless daydream, my phone was blaring with a phone-call from none other than Ebony. While returning to the living-room, I answered the call.

“Hey, Ebs.” I grinned while carefully sitting down on the cushiony sofa. Grabbing the remote-control, I changed the channel to HGTV, my absolute favorite network. Anything that revolved home design and renovation fascinated me to no ends.

“Hey, what’re you doing?” she asked.

“Watching TV.”

“How are you feeling? You told Mom you were in pain?”

“Just a little,” I admitted, “I don’t know… I’ve been feeling a bit uncomfortable, like, I’m getting cramps or something. I took some Tylenol, but it didn’t really do anything so, I just figured I needed to eat.”

“That’s usually how it feels when you’re beginning labor, Sonya.” she said warningly as I only kissed my teeth. The pain wasn’t as bad as women claimed labor to be; it felt like menstrual cramps, if anything. So, that’s why I took it with a grain of salt.

“I doubt it’s that, I’m not in that much pain. It’s been going on since noon so, if it was labor related, wouldn’t I be in more pain? I told Dr. Eadon and she said that since it’s not too bad, it’s probably just my uterus contracting, which is normal. She said to lower the aggravation, take some Tylenol and if it intensifies, have one of you take me to the hospital.”

“Okay,” she said unconvincingly, “but, you’re good?”

“I’m alright.”

“On a scale of 1-10?”

“A solid seven. I’m not perfectly good, but I’m alright. Now that you got me thinking about it, the pain is starting to bother me.” I admitted. My tolerance of pain was relatively low; I could take a gang of pain, both physically and emotionally, before I finally snapped.

“Okay, let’s change the subject, then. Did you go out today?” she pondered, which made me kiss my teeth because she already knew the answer.

“Now, you know I don’t go anywhere.” I replied. I had grown used to solitude over the last growing months, only ever really contacting anyone over the phone and occasionally going out when pressured enough, mainly by my sister and best-friends. And lately, I had been turning down any and every attempt to hang out. Given the circumstances of my predicament, I preferred to be alone. That’s how it was going to be anyway, I had better gotten used to it.

“Well, I thought maybe you’d have a change of heart with the baby on the way and all. The gang told me that they were trying to throw a baby-shower for you, but you said no.” she said, referring to my best-friends, Ashley, Sasha, Deidra, and Noah.

“Yeah, I didn’t really want one. I wasn’t in the mood for being around people and stuff, you know?”

“I know.” she responded, sounding as if she wanted to add more to the conversation. To avoid her incessant nagging about my newfound introverted personality, I changed the direction of the conversation.

“So, what’re you guys doing?” I asked.

“Pretty much the same thing as you. Mom’s making dinner--it’s spaghetti, you’re not missing out. And, I’m watching TV with the kids.” she said, referring to her five-year old twins, Dedrick and Brooke.

Because I was due any day soon, my mother had taken a leave of absence from her job as a dentist and drove to Vegas to be with us. While I had more than enough space at my home to let her stay with me, I deemed it best that she stay with Ebony and her family, despite her feeling otherwise. It was just that my mother could get overbearing sometimes and I didn’t need that kind of energy suffocating me at such a crucial stage in my pregnancy. That, and I valued my personal space.

“That’s cool. Where’s Aaron?” I pondered, speaking of her husband.

“He’s still at work. Ever since he decided to start doing overtime, he doesn’t get in until about three in the morning.” she explained. Aaron worked in the pharmaceutical trade; he made the pills and liquid solutions that physicians prescribed to their patients.

“That must be stressful on you both, huh?”

“Yeah, it sucks that he’s never home and whenever he is, he’s always sleeping. Then, on top of that, I work, too. It’s just… hectic, but I’m hoping we’ll pull through. It’s an adjustment for everybody.” she explained as I nodded understandably. As long as he was providing for his family and coming home to her, that was all that truly mattered.

“See, and that positive outlook is the exact reason why it will work out for you guys.” I encouraged, hearing her small giggle.

“Thanks, sis. So,” she dragged, indicating that she was about to switch topics, “what’s been going on with you and your life?”

“Nothing really. Just anticipating the big day for when my angel gets here.” I smiled, caressing my protruding baby-bump as I did a million times a day. This would be my first child and though the beginning steps into motherhood hadn’t been the best, I was still excited to be a mother.

“Does this angel have a name yet?”

“Nope. I can’t think of one.” I replied as if it were no big deal, though, I knew she felt the exact opposite. Every time we spoke about it, she declared the importance of having a name prepared before his arrival.

“So, you’re telling me that you still haven’t figured out a name? He’ll be here any day now, Sonya.” she warned as I simply shrugged my shoulders.

“Mom said the name will come when the time’s right. The time just hasn’t been right, I guess.” I replied, gliding my finger across the pad of my purple HP laptop.

“Just don’t choose anything crazy, trying to be unique and all. This girl at my job named her daughter Neon. Neon, for God’s sake.” she complained, earning my laughter.

“People have sentiment behind every name, Ebony. Even though you don’t like it, I’m sure it meant something to her and the baby’s father.” I reasoned, but she wasn’t hearing it.

“There ain’t nothing you can say to defend a crazy-ass name like that. Neon,” she mocked, “I say you name him after Daddy. Keep the legacy alive. I would do that if me and Aaron had another.”

“No, I don’t really like the idea of naming someone after someone else. They always feel that they have to live up to those same expectations. Daddy was an Air Force pilot. He flew all these important missions and broke bread with the best of them. Too much pressure,” I explained, “plus, I would look at him or call his name and start thinking about Daddy every time. It would probably make me cry and think about the what-ifs, you know? And, how would I explain that to my son?”

Our father, Gregory Duncan, was killed in a car-accident four years prior. Some frat-boy piece of shit was driving while drunk and slammed right into him. The impact of the T-bone crash was so strong that despite the security of a seatbelt, his body violently jerked to the left and caused him to bang his head against the side window, instantly leading to his death. The young man responsible was apprehended and ordered to serve six years, though, I didn’t find that to be remotely close to what he deserved. Either way, giving that man his just-desserts wouldn’t have really mended the loss of my father.

He was still gone and severely missed.

“Now that you put it that way, it isn’t such a good idea,” she agreed before moving her mouth away from the receiver, “Dedrick and Brooke! If ya’ll don’t go sit down somewhere, I know something.”

Ebony’s threat forced them to instantly halt their loud chatter, making me giggle. She was the sweetest, most lax mother in the world until they started misbehaving. She was the perfect balance and honestly, the only one that I admired, aside from our mother, when it came to being a good parent.

“Quit yelling at my babies.”

“If your babies would learn to listen, I wouldn’t have to yell. They’re so hardheaded. Shoot.” she chuckled as my laughter continued.

“They’re just being kids,” I defended them before huffing, “I am so hungry.”

“What’re you eating tonight?”

“Well, I just ordered a pizza not too long before I started ordering the baby some clothes. It should be here shortly… I hope.”

“From Sorrento?” she asked knowingly. This wasn’t the first time that I had ordered from there throughout my pregnancy.

“You know it,” I chuckled once she kissed her teeth at my choice, “leave me alone, I had a craving.”

“Don’t cravings only last in, like, the first and early second trimester?” she pondered.

“Listen, I’m milking this thing until the moment this boy pops out.” I snickered, earning her laughter as well. Pulling the phone away from my ear once it beeped, I noticed an unfamiliar number. Shrugging it off, I returned to my conversation with my sister.

“Well, good luck with losing all that baby-weight. And, why are you ordering more things for the baby? You already have a boatload of shit and I told you I would give you Dedrick’s old clothes.”

“I know, I know. I haven’t ordered anything yet. I’ve just been putting things in the cart,” I mumbled while being redirected to the online shopping-cart, “and, thank God you said something. This crap came up to almost two-hundred dollars. Babies are expensive.”

“See? Don’t make the same mistake that I did with these two. All they gon’ do is grow out of the stuff and all it’s good for after that is taking up closet space. Which is exactly why it’s going to you.” she giggled as I closed the web-browser.

“Gee, thanks.”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

“Wait,” I mumbled, kissing my teeth when the same unknown caller appeared on my screen, “I have no idea who this is that keeps calling.”

“Dun, dun, dun! Sounds like something straight out of a scary movie. Answer it.” Ebony snickered once I placed the phone back against my ear.

“Don’t even scare me like that,” I muttered, not at all a fan of horror movies, “the number isn’t blocked and it’s a local. Probably just a wrong number or something.”

“Or a killer.”

“Ebony,” I warned, breaking into laughter once she did likewise, “you’re the worst person alive, I swear.”

“Oh, you’ve encountered worse than me, sweetheart. Carter?” she said, forcing my whole mood to switch from good to bad in the snap of a finger.

“Why would you bring him up?” I asked, furrowing my brow. She knew how the topic of my son’s sperm-donor tended to make me feel and ever so carelessly, she spoke of him.

“Sonya, don’t trip. I wasn’t trying to offend. It was just bad transitioning on my part. I wanted to talk about him, though.” she explained.

“What about him?”

“Have you spoken to him lately? Mom told me about Monica’s assistance so, I was just curious to know if he knew about it, too.” she said, referring to Carter’s mother, who had been purchasing things for her grandson.

After things had gone downhill between Carter and I on account of him abandoning us, I assumed that Monica would follow suit and cease contact with me, too. However, out of undeserved guilt stemming from her son’s cowardice, she stuck around and took on the duties that should have belonged to Carter. Monica was constantly trying to compensate for his shortcomings and wrongdoings by handling the financial matters surrounding the baby. She figured that it was the bare minimum of what she could do.

While I was incredibly grateful for her assistance, I always pleaded for her to keep her money. I wasn’t a charity-case; I had the means and the support to ensure that my son had a stable and secure upbringing. Despite my pleading, she insisted that though her son neglected his role as an active father, she wasn’t going to neglect her role as an active grandmother. She genuinely wanted to be involved and I couldn’t find it in my heart to deny her that opportunity, though, I really wanted no linkage to Carter and his clan.

“She told him that she’s been helping me with the baby and he insisted that she stops. He doesn’t want any attachment to me… or the baby. He thinks that lousy two-thousand dollars that he left me would be more than enough. If any money is needed, it’ll come from him when he feels that I need it, not when I feel that I need it. He just thinks I’m using her for perks and to stay close to him.” I chuckled bitterly.

Being close to Carter was the furthest thing on my mind. It was astounding to me that someone who had once meant the world and then-some to me, could become someone that I strongly disliked, or hated even.

There was a moment in time when Carter and I were inseparable, where I imagined him being the man that I was going to marry. Despite our two-year relationship, long-term commitment was unattainable under our circumstances. My pregnancy came as a surprise for the both of us, though, we both should have been prepared for it with how careless we had become with sex. However, Carter felt ambushed, that I had trapped him. As offended as I was by this accusation, I figured that was just his defense-mechanism. He was scared and lashing out; that’s what I kept telling myself.

I expected that feeling to be temporary, but he was hellbent on believing that I had purposely wound up pregnant and wanted no parts. That was when I started believing that he wasn’t scared; he strongly felt that way and I was just in-denial.

Carter was born into money; his father owned one of the most popular casinos in Vegas, the Emerald League. Around the time of my pregnancy, his father had promised him ownership of the casino once he retired from the business. Carter had already had a pretty high-up position as the manager, but being the CEO was obviously a better fit. Knowing of this eventual monetary gain, women around Vegas threw themselves at him and everyone wanted to be his friend.

Carter was shit under pressure and his father did nothing to mend his worries, either. He constantly filled his head with nonsense about blood-sucking leeches and how it was always the ones closest to you. He wanted to be sure that his lucrative business was left in good hands and that his son didn’t plow through his earnings, or make any dumb decisions that would cause the company their money, or reputation. While that was understandable, it made Carter a lot more paranoid and apprehensive when it came to people’s intentions, including mine.

In the past, me not wanting him for his possessions had set me apart from the others. Now, I was nothing more than one of those leeches that he spoke of. So, in turn for my news on his step into fatherhood, he had his father fire me from the Emerald League, where we had met and where I had worked as a blackjack dealer for three years. To prevent discriminatory and personal accusations from me, Mr. Carson Cage, his father, simply stated that I wasn’t working up to my fullest potential and he had to do what was best for the betterment of the company. Bullshit.

Since then, Carter had tossed me two-thousand dollars and asked that I exit his life with no hard-feelings. He had only requested that I kept things amicable because he didn’t want me to cause him any drama that he knew without a doubt would boil over into his professional life. And, even though I should have wreaked havoc on his ass and dragged his name through the mud, I knew that in hindsight, I would be better off without him. After all, him not being around for his son was his loss, not ours. We were good regardless.

“Ugh, he’s such an asshole. He really makes me sick.” she expressed with distaste.

“You and me both, champ,” I sighed once I heard a knock at the front-door, “I think that’s my food. Call you tomorrow?”

“Is it because I brought him up? ‘Cause I really didn’t mean to--”

“No, it’s just ‘cause my food’s here. I’m about to eat and go to sleep. I’m not mad at you.” I assured her with a smile, hearing her sigh of relief. She hated when we were at odds.

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” I replied lightly, still feeling some kind of way after the discussion surrounding my ex-boyfriend. I wasn’t upset with Ebony for bringing him up; I thought about him regardless. I just hated that my son would grow up without having a father because his father chose to be absent. As much as I claimed that we were fine without him, it was going to be hard raising a fatherless child.

Hanging up the phone, I checked the time on the screen, realizing that my phone-call with Ebony had almost worked in the delivery-man’s favor. He was extremely late with my food.

Arriving to the front-door, I unlocked and opened it to be greeted by a man donned in the pizza company’s attire of a black cap, a black collared shirt with the logo in the left-hand corner, and a pair of jeans. I had never noticed him before, but that wasn’t of importance to me at the moment. I was irritated with everything.

“I ordered this pizza over forty minutes ago. You’re only ten minutes away. You better not even expect a tip.” I fussed, angrily pouting my lips. He snickered and stepped to the right, allowing me a view of his damaged vehicle.

“Well, someone rear-ended me on my way here. I tried callin’ to inform you of the delay, but you weren’t answerin’ the phone.” he explained. So that’s what that wrong number was. That made me feel like a complete idiot for unrightfully snapping on him.

Sighing deeply, I sent him apologetic eyes for being so rude without having any knowledge on his mishap.

“I’m so sorry. That was uncalled for.” I shyly apologized while signing the small receipt before we exchanged the items.

“Nah, nah, it’s cool. You’re pregnant, cranky, and hungry. I get it,” he chuckled, fanning his hand as he began his backpedal down the stone steps, “enjoy your food, though.”

“Wait! You deserve a tip. I know what I said, but it wasn’t your fault and I gave you unnecessary sass.” I giggled, giving him the one-minute finger before scurrying into the living-room for my purse. While rummaging through my bag for my wallet, I felt a popping sensation between my legs, forcing me to anxiously halt what I was doing. Then, a rivulet of water had made its way down my inner-thigh, confirming my suspicions.

My water broke.

“Oh no, oh no. Not right now.” I panted with fright, trying to keep my hysteria and anxiety to a minimum. I had rehearsed for this precise moment, but never for it to happen like this. Placing my palm against my pregnant belly, I blew out a shaky breath and bit down my bottom-lip to suppress the fear.

While taking slow, shallow breaths and contemplating on what my next move would be, the delivery-man reminded me of his presence when he had spoken up.

“Um, ma’am? You can just keep the tip ‘cause I got more deliveries--”

“Wait! Come here, I-I need your help!” I shouted desperately, embarrassed that this was happening at the wrong time.

“Yeah? Holy shit, ya’ water broke.” he said, stating the well-known once he entered the living-room, his face stained with pure shock and petrification. Nodding with a pained expression, I continued to caress my stomach, which was gradually beginning to ache due to the sudden onslaught of contractions and fear.

“I need you to call 911 and get an ambulance here, fast. He’s coming very soon.” I gritted as he nodded understandably and pulled out his cell-phone. Anxiously, he dialed the three-digit number and then, diverted his attention to me with a worried, yet controlled expression.

“Can you sit down?”

“No,” I mumbled, attempting to do so on my own, but failing miserably, “I need your help.”

Nodding, he balanced the phone in-between his ear and shoulder before assisting me to the floor, where my back was placed against the couch as a means of support. While assisting me, the operator answered the phone and he frantically explained the situation. I hated that I had to be so vulnerable, especially with a man that I didn’t know. But, I was desperate and scared out of my mind.

“Yeah, she’s about to give birth, like, right now… Okay, what’re the contractions lookin’ like?” he asked, now speaking to me. While continuing to pant, I thought of my response.

“Around three minutes.”

“She said three minutes… Yeah… Oh, God.” he replied and just by the expression on his face, I could tell that the operator informed him that he would probably have to deliver the baby. Oh, God was right.

HASSAN

To think today had started off as normal as any other.

I woke up, got ready, went out to breakfast with my girl before taking her to work, and then went to my first job, where I worked as a cook. When that shift ended, I was en route to my second job, where I delivered food for this little pizza-joint down on Rainbow Boulevard. I never expected to go from delivering a pizza, to possibly delivering a baby.

“Aight, it’s unlocked.” I assured the operator, who told me that she was sending an ambulance to the home, so I would need to have the door unlocked for the EMTs.

“Okay, great. Now, Hassan, I need you to get a bucket of water and as many towels as you can, okay? Can you do that?” she asked, being as calming as possible.

“Uh, I gotta ask her where all that stuff is,” I grumbled, heading back into the living-room where Sonya, who the operator had told me to learn the name of, was focusing on her breathing, “can you tell me where your towels are? And, a bucket?”

“The towels are upstairs, and a bucket is in one of the cabinets near the kitchen-sink.” she explained, earning a nod from me. Rushing up the steps by twos, I opened the closet that appeared to be a linen-closet and grabbed about four towels.

“Hassan, I need you to also find a shower-curtain. It’ll be easier to clean up afterwards.” the operator explained as I nodded. Going into the bathroom that was positioned to the right of the closest, I simply yanked down the available shower-curtain with all my might, the decorative hooks dropping onto the titles.

Running back downstairs, I checked on Sonya, who was resisting the urge to push, as the operator had directed for her to do. She seemed fine for the most part so, I tossed down the towels and ventured into the kitchen to get the bucket. While underneath the kitchen-sink, I noticed a box of latex-gloves and snatched a pair.

Adjusting the water until it was warm, I placed the medium-sized bucket under the faucet and watched as it filled to the brim, which took approximately one and a half minutes. My phone buzzed with an incoming call; it was my boss. Under any other circumstances, I would have answered, but that wasn’t the time. I knew my ass was fired anyhow.

“Where am I ‘sposed to put the shower-curtain?” I pondered, carefully picking up the bucket and walking back into the living-room. I sat it down at a reasonable distance from Sonya before picking up the shower-curtain.

“Beneath her legs so that if the baby has to come, it won’t leave a mess,” she said, “carefully do this. Remember, she’s in pain.”

“I know that,” I said underneath my breath, tossing the phone aside and kneeling down on the carpet with her, “aight, I gotta move you up a li’l bit so, we can put this shower-curtain under you. Hold onto me.”

Doing as I said, she tightly gripped my arm, probably breaking skin. Knowing that she was in that much pain scared the shit out of me; I was trying my best not to add anymore pain or stress to the situation by being as gentle as humanly possible.

“I really think he’s coming now… more than before. I feel his head.” she whispered, tightly clenching her bottom-lip in-between her teeth. Quickly, I placed two of the towels aside, before rolling up the other two and using them to prop up either of her thighs.

“Aight, I’ma need to… lift this,” I said, referring to her clothes, “I’on wanna make you uncomfortable so, if you want me to wait for them, I’ll--”

“It’s fine.” she assured, pinching her eyes shut as if it pained her to say that. Lifting up the hem to her black nightshirt that basically swept the floor, I mentally prepared myself for what I was about to see. And, what I saw wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be. The only thing that left me traumatized was the fact that his head was in fact peeking, which meant that he was crowning and this birth was happening now.

Picking up the phone, I decided to inform the operator that as much as we were trying to avoid the delivery from happening at home, all the preparation would not be going down in vain. Li’l Man was coming.

“Aight, I need an ETA on the ambulance ‘cause the baby is crownin’… I can see his head. She can’t keep resistin’ to push.” I grumbled, knowing good and well that the operator heard her intensified panting, indicating that the moment had arrived before they did.

“The EMTs should be there within the next twenty-five to thirty minutes due to traffic, but since you’re saying she cannot wait any longer, you’ll have to do it,” she stated while I placed her on speaker-phone and slipped on the gloves, “wash your hands with the water that I told you to get.”

“I’m wearin’ gloves,” I grumbled, watching intently as Sonya slipped off her rings and tossed them aside, making me curious, “what you doin’?”

“I need this baby out. Even if that means I have to do it myself.” she gritted, no longer fighting back the tears that I expected to see way before, considering she had no opiates, or an epidural to assist with the pain.

“Nah, I gotchu’. Just trust me, aight?” I grumbled, watching her nod and move her hands aside. Pretty much ignoring the operator, but only for the sake of Sonya, I placed my hands on his head, while hers held her shirt out of view. Guiding as slowly and carefully as possible, I encouraged for Sonya to push because I didn’t want to harm her or the baby by pulling.

“I can only do it during my contractions,” she rushed out in one breath, “alright… now.”

After getting her words out through a painful grit, she pushed as well as she could, making some progress. With the operator coaching the both us, she was able to get his head out--which was the hardest part--within fifteen minutes, However, I noticed the umbilical-cord was around his neck, forcing my breath to hitch up. Oh, hell no.

“T-the cord is wrapped around his neck. What should I do?” I asked the operator, shakiness evident in my tone. I was trying to remain calm for Sonya; if I stayed calm, she would had been more likely to. But, I couldn’t even front. This had to be the most nerve-racking shit that I had ever endured in my whole life.

“Just loop your finger underneath it, and gently loosen it until you can get his head out.” she coached. There was blood and other pregnancy potions all over the place; thank God for that damn shower-curtain. Again, the sight and the situation was stressful, but I was trying my best to stay leveled for her.

“Okay, you got it,” Sonya breathed after intently watching me hold his head up, and remove the cord, “I need to push again.”

“Aight.” I grumbled, bringing both hands together underneath his head so that I could catch him when she pushed the rest of his body out. Aside from light grunts and whimpering, she was very collected and silent while she pushed. I thanked God for that because all that obnoxious screaming and hollering would have made it more difficult for the both of us.

“That was a good push. He’s almost out, Sonya. You can do it.” I encouraged. When she felt his shoulders finally slip out, she reached down, moved my hands aside, and carefully pulled the rest of his little body out in one swing. The umbilical-cord was still attached to him as she brought him up to her chest and held him close while his cries rang off like a siren. I grabbed the spare towels and wrapped them around his back, ensuring that he stayed as warm as possible.

“He’s here,” I informed the operator through a breath of relief, “can you hear ‘em?”

“Yes, I hear him. That’s good, he’s breathing. Tell Sonya to wipe away any amniotic-fluid on his eyes and nose to help him further breathe.” she said. Considering she was on speaker-phone, Sonya followed her orders on her own. After doing so, she gingerly guided her hand up and down his back.

“What do we do about the umbilical-cord?” I asked, removing the stained gloves and tossing them on an empty spot on the shower-curtain. Falling back from my kneeled position, I grabbed the phone.

“Nothing. The EMTs have informed me that they’re on your street. They’ll be there to sterilely cut the cord. Just stay with them.” she explained as I nodded and looked over to Sonya, who was already staring at me.

“Thank you so much. I could never repay you for this.” she said genuinely, briefly tearing her watery eyes from me to stare lovingly at her newborn son.

“Well, you could always start by givin’ me that tip.” I joked, earning a round of soft giggles from her as I laughed, too. Not even a moment later, the EMTs were barreling into the house to find us seated on the living-room floor. I stood up and stepped aside so that they could tend to Sonya and her son.

While two EMTs crouched down to assist them, one pulled me aside and asked questions concerning the home-birth before showering me in the ultimate praise for my actions. Though I valued the appreciation that they were showing, I was no hero. I was just at the right place, at the right time.

[firstpuffin]

A life of boredom; I hope people can gain strength from this pt 1:

One thing that I hear again and again about people with mental illness or learning disabilities or even just with a far from ideal situation is that they feel alone. I’ll say first of all that I’ve never felt like this; I’ve never felt alone and I’ve never felt like a disappointment or like I’ve let down my parents. But I imagine that it would feel terrible.

  So I figured I’d put my rather boring story out there. It’s not one of success or any great tragedy; all things considered it’s been a pretty dull existence. But if it can help someone feel like they aren’t alone then maybe it’s worth it.

Also, I have no time to research a proper article.

  This entry is going to be more of a background to who I am and what I had to live with, with an actual sequence of events coming later. Nothing particularly bad ever happened to me, but there were a lot of smaller things that built up; you know what they say about straw and the camel’s back.

  I don’t really want to focus on the bad, I had a lot of good too. But you remember the bad, don’t you? While the good fades away.

 So first of all, I was originally inspired to write this when I realised that when I graduate from university this coming May, it will be exactly ten years since I graduated from high school. This is astonishing for a number of reasons: one, it doesn’t feel like ten years at all and two, I still feel like I’m sixteen years old. A sixteen-year old who can drink and who maybe should have accomplished more by now.

  There are other reasons why it feels wrong; I knew my best friend back in first school but we parted ways for middle school and by some holy shit level chance ended up in the same high school. And yes, we didn’t do the elementary to primary school thing; I only discovered that was even a thing during high school and I didn’t understand what it was. I went to three different schools and didn’t transfer once. But anyway, me and my pal have been pals constantly in the thirteen years since then; he introduced me to manga and to so many video game series and stuff. It’s also been roughly eleven or twelve years since I fell out with who had been up until then a constant in my life, but that’s for later.

  It doesn’t feel like I’ve done much of anything, at least not anything of worth in those ten years. Not until I came to university.

 Background: I am the youngest child in a family of four, my brother knowing what he has wanted since he was a child and worked constantly towards it. I would try to copy him and fail miserably. I looked up to him as someone who could do everything that I couldn’t.

  My dad was a straight-forward thinker who comes across to new people as stern and scary, but in reality he’s basically a big teddy bear (not in that way; in the more traditional sense). You just need to get past that cold facade first.

  My mother was overbearing but it was out of love rather than some other kind of twisted motive. I hesitate to talk too much about this lest it comes off badly, but it is a prime example of how the best intentions can go awry. She wanted me to be a child and so didn’t insist on making me do chores and instead did everything for me, so I never learned to be independent. Whether it was something to do with my combination of learning disabilities or just me as a person, I just let her do so. One of my greatest joys at university has been the independence, or more accurately the requirement to do everything myself. I love the cleaning the washing, the cooking.

  Oh my god, the cooking. I loathe food. Or at least I used to, I’m still not a fan. I now think I know why, but the original guess was that because I had rhinitis (think year long allergies; specifically a blocked nose) and couldn’t smell anything, that I couldn’t taste things correctly. I now know that being dyspraxic can mean an oversensitivity of the senses; like taste and touch. My dyspraxia meant that I disliked most strong-tasting foods. Or really food in general. Sure there were a few things I liked, like burgers or pizza, but no curry, no shepherd’s pie… really nothing with a sauce or herbs. Or onion. Or mushy textures. Or mixed textures.

  Guess what foods my family loved. Everything I hated. Mealtimes were the worst, I dreaded them. I genuinely feared going out to eat. And you know what made it worse? The complete and total lack of sympathy. I was fussy, I should just deal with it. There are children starving in Africa. So I did. I learned to eat things I hated for every meal, even when my peers would refuse to eat what they kinda maybe slightly didn’t like.

  But now I live alone and I have slowly increased the meals that I do actually enjoy, or at least don’t dislike. And it’s amazing. I don’t have to fear mealtimes anymore.

   Also, my parents didn’t do Christmas. Or Easter. Or Halloween. Or birthdays (although my mom tried to work around that). And Mom avoided fairy tales because she knew of their dark origins. You know, screw the current cheerful version of Cinderella; the older versions had body mutilations *gasp*. Bodily mutilations that…are not… in the current versions…

  Mom meant well, but most of my Disney knowledge comes from the Kingdom Hearts series. So that’s weird.

  And I’m actually kind of relieved that we never did Christmas, that holiday is a freaking mess.

 So what else? Well just for a bit of background, I don’t and never did experience sexual attraction. This may seem like an odd thing to mention but do me a favour and look around; sex is everywhere! And it’s very confusing to a kid who doesn’t even know what it means to be or to find someone attractive. Over time I’ve learned to see what is aesthetically pleasing, but that’s just the viewpoint of an artist. It was very hard for me thanks to that; and even harder when during high school, events made me think that I was bisexual (it was high school, who didn’t think they were bi?). I’m not going into them because I still don’t understand what was going through my head, but eventually I realised that I wasn’t technically bi, because I didn’t experience attraction. I now say that rather than being attracted to males or females, it’s more that I’m not not attracted to them.

  It’s weird, it’s confusing and hopefully you can understand why things were difficult for me. I’d be talking to my male friends when all heads turned to follow a shapely ass (I don’t get the appeal) and I would be wondering if they were listening to me (they usually weren’t). Still, it got some amusing responses from people who couldn’t understand.

 Next, I didn’t have a passion like my brother, I had no motivations to encourage me to work and even worse, I was smart enough that I could coast through school with acceptable grades and the constant nagging that “I had potential”; although I suspect everybody hears that. Still, with no skills to speak of and no motivation, I just lived. Without purpose. I kinda still do. The only reason I have any goals at the moment is to keep occupied.

  As a child, Mother was scared to let me go out, so I played the few video games that we had, watched the few television channels that I could, and read. Hoo boy did I read. My parents were keen on reading and so provided book after book and despite my dyslexia, I was soon waay above my peers. I was reading adult novels (no, not that kind; although one or two of the sci-fi books may as well have been) when I was in middle school (roughly around 9 and 13 years old; I can never remember). I firmly believe it was the reading that helped me overcome my dyslexia and look at me now, learning to write fiction and non-fiction and studying language. Of course, I have no social skills to speak of, so being able to go out might have been helpful.

I was also dyspraxic, but somehow I didn’t find this out until just a few months ago. Like seriously, I can’t blame anybody for this because it’s so extreme in its weirdness. My parents knew, adults I grew up with knew, even my brother knew; so how did I not? My assumption is that being dyslexic, I got the two very similar sounding words mixed up and for some reason people only focused on my dyslexia. It’s also pretty clear that my parents knew nothing about dyspraxia so that probably didn’t help.

  But the dyspraxia was a huge issue for me. I couldn’t play instruments like my brother or friends, because I didn’t have the motor skills; I couldn’t do sports because I would kick a football in 180 degrees from where I intended, and when you can’t kick a football your classmates hate you to an unreasonable degree, no doubt due to living in a football-oriented culture (which is probably worth another article all by itself) and you begin to hate sports; I couldn’t draw like my brother (like seriously, he can do everything I ever wanted to). I had no motivations, no goals and I never tried because I couldn’t do anything anyway.

This is going to be controversial but do you know what made things even worse? My parents were religious. Christian to be specific, but they go by “The Church of God” like literally every fucking religion so I can’t tell you exactly which denomination. They didn’t believe in hell so I was spared that trauma, and my parents always tried to be open about things like homosexuality (“we hate the act, not the people”) so all in all things could have been worse. But it was a small church with very few children and it wasn’t long before it was just me and this one boy. And it was so, so boring. There was literally nothing to keep a child entertained and we weren’t allowed to walk off. I ended up literally walking in circles around the edge of a room again and again and a-fucking-gain for hours. Thankfully I enjoyed walking but I think people started to realise there was a problem.

  I also wouldn’t get out of bed on Saturdays (because yes, the sabbath is actually on Saturday) and that definitely formed a weird habit. It’s pretty clear that I was depressed and so my parents eventually relented and let me stay at home. They were (and still are) convinced that I will return to the fold one day (I’m actually a hardcore atheist at this point). But that bad sleeping habit continued.

 So that’s the start. I was a kid with a technically undiagnosed learning disability that conditioned both my mind and my body, and that always sucks. I had people around me who were motivated and goal driven and worst of all, who were talented! And I struggled to do anything. Without goals, without motivation, and with a mother who was willing to do literally everything for me, I effectively did nothing. On top of that, I developed clear signs of depression that have since gotten worse, and worse over time.

  As I said though, things weren’t all bad. My parents loved me. None of us were particularly ill. I don’t know how many people I grew up with who had parents who had split and were uncaring. My hometown is full of people who have no desire to further themselves, who are happy to do nothing. I’m very lucky with my family.

Even if my brother is a snarky asshole.

[taurusmanlove]

8 Reasons Why Taurus Guys Pull Away

New Post has been published on https://taurusmen.net/why-taurus-man-pulls-away-from-relationship/

8 Reasons Why Taurus Guys Pull Away

If you’ve been dating a Taurus man, but now for some reason, he’s started to pull away then you’re probably feeling a little confused.

There are several reasons why men pull away at different stages of a relationship. However, for the Taurus man, there are some common factors that can make him behave this way.

For a really detailed explanation of this along with the three key reasons that cause a Taurus man to pull away (and what you can do about it), you may want to check out astrologer Anna Kovach’s new book, Taurus Man Secrets. I reviewed it here for my readers.

However, in this article, I’m am also going to share with you some insights on why he may be acting this way and what you can do to bring him back to you.

Taurus men love to take their time before deciding whether they should date a woman or continue seeing her if it is still in the early stages of the relationship. They do not like been pushed or rushed, and they can also be very cautious and stubborn if they feel they are being coerced.

In a relationship, a Taurus man tends to be very loyal and devoted. A relationship with him is likely to last once the two of you have decided that you’re right for each other. However, there are things that can make him become distant, withdrawn and start to pull away from you.

Common Reasons Why a Taurus Man Pulls Away

He feels insecure

Taurus men value security, and they also want to feel secure when in a relationship with a woman.

So, your Taurus lover is likely to withdraw from you if he feels his security is threatened. However, there can be a number of reasons why he may be feeling this way, so you will need to have a conversation with him to find out why he is perceiving things in this way.

For instance, if he notices you have been talking to a specific guy constantly, he may start to question your feelings towards him. This may lead to him withdrawing before you reject him. This is more likely the case if you are in the early stages of a relationship as he still does not know the person that you are.

He’s not ready for a change

Taurus men do not cope very well with change.

He does not adapt very well to changes in his job, relationships, or in his surroundings in general. So, Taurus guys tend to be very stubborn whenever they’re required to do things differently.

What’s more, if for instance you want to move in with your Taurus lover and he is not ready, he may distance himself because he is afraid of losing control over his freedom and the lifestyle he is used to.

If this is the case then all you need to do is allow him time to feel comfortable with the idea of the two of you become closer. Don’t do or say anything that will make him feel you are trying to rush him. Just take your time and allow yourself to enjoy the connection you are experiencing with him.

The danger is, however, if we are too laid back then it is likely our man will become too comfortable with the casual arrangement.

Fortunately, relationship coach Amy North teaches women a sneaky technique she calls her “devotion sequence” for this very reason.

Amy’s psychological trick leads a man to feel a level of desire beyond love and make him feel an emotional connection to you, and only you. Amy explains the method here.

Related article: What you need to do to get him to commit

He’s not that much into you

Taurus guys want to date a woman they are attracted to and, as mentioned previously, they tend to take their time in deciding if a woman is right for them.

So, if you have been interacting with your Taurus crush, and he has suddenly disappeared, it could be he does not find you as appealing as he once thought, or he is not interested in spending the rest of his life with you.

In other words, your Taurus crush is likely to withdraw if he realizes that you are incompatible or that you do not have the qualities he is looking for in a long-term partner.

Your Taurus crush can also lose interest in you if you do something that made him feel inferior or jealous.

Unfortunately, in some cases, he may be pulling away from you for this reason, but you have not yet had the opportunity to show him who you really are.

To solve this problem, next time you talk to him casually drop these subtle words into your conversation to change his mindset and get him to view you through the eyes of attraction.

It’s pretty simple, the video on this page will explain what you need to do.

You’re too needy

The desire of every Taurus guy is to be with a woman who has the ability to do things without depending on him. He also wants a woman who knows how to enjoy her own company.

So, your Taurus crush will pull back if he feels suffocated, trapped, or like he is losing his freedom due to the relationship.

In other words, your Taurus boyfriend will walk out on you if he realizes that you are a desperate and needy woman who does not have the ability to meet her personal and emotional needs by herself.

So, if you depend on your Taurus boyfriend to fill an emotional void, or fulfil your every need and desire, he will certainly lose interest in you and pull away.

See also: How to make a Taurus guy want you back

Dishonesty

Taurus men are known to be very honest and loyal, and their desire is to date a woman who is also as honest as he is.

That said, if your he realizes that you are pretending to be a person you are not so that you can impress him, he will likely lose interest in you completely.

So, if you are eyeing a Taurus guy and you want your relationship to last for the long-term, it is important that you prove to him that you are an honest woman.

He’s hurt

Even though Taurus guys are very patient, calm and grounded, they tend to also be very sensitive and can get quite angry when they are no longer able to tolerate a situation.

So, if he suddenly withdraws from you, and you do not get to hear from him, it could be that he is feeling hurt by something you did or said.

However, if your Taurus man is giving you the silent treatment, it is important that you give him space to cool down and talk to you when he is ready.

See also: 6 keys to getting a Taurus to forgive you

You are too domineering

A Taurus man wants to be in charge and he hates it when a woman dominates his life.

Taurean guys don’t want to be with a woman who is bossy and overbearing.

Above all, if he feels like he is dating his mother when he is with you then he will lose interest in you faster than you can blink.

He could have lost interest in you if you have been denying him the opportunity to be the leader from time to time, or by bossing him around or acting like a mom to him.

In other words, Taurus men do not want to be told what to do. So, if you keep nagging him with what he should and shouldn’t do, it won’t be too long before he ghosts you.

Related article: Why he’s ignoring your text messages

He is busy

Another reason why a Taurus man withdraws is that he is just too busy.

Taurus men are known to be very hard working by nature, and it could be he is ignoring you because he is working on something that is very urgent and doesn’t have time to spend with you at the moment.

If your Taurus man is acting distant, it is because he may be focusing on an important work project. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to break up with you.

If he’s into you then he’ll come back once things have settled down for him, so just be patient and give him space.

See also: Using the no contact rule with a Taurus man

Final Thoughts

There are several reasons why your Taurus man may be acting distant. It is important to first figure out the reason for his withdrawal before jumping to conclusions.

If he just needs some space for a while then give him what he needs and he will appreciate and respect you all the more for it once he is more settled.

If, however, there are some clear signs that indicate he is losing interest in you then you have two choices;

Walk away from him and move on

Use the simple yet powerful words hat relationship coach, Amy North teaches to trigger is feelings of attraction and desire for you. You can learn more about Amy’s psychological hack here.

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[thegfiles]

Book: I Am Not a Serial Killer by Dan Wells

Right from the beginning we know that the main character, John Wayne Cleaver, is perhaps not quite a normal teenage boy. He is very interested in death and seems to no longer associate humanity with corpses. His mother and aunt run a mortuary out of their home (although the aunt, Margaret, lives elsewhere) and John has been helping with the embalming since he was a very much younger boy.

(spoilers below the cut)

His mother and aunt don't approve of his fascination with death, his irreverence of corpses as once having been living and breathing human beings, and often lecture him about his interest in serial killers.

"You're really a smart kid," said Margaret, "and I mean that. You're probably the only student that's already finished with the essay. But you can't...it's not normal, John. I was really hoping you'd grow out of this obsession with murderers." "Not murderers," I said, "serial killers." "That's the difference between you and the rest of the world, John. We don't see a difference." She went back inside to start work on the body cavity---sucking out all the bile and poison until the body was purified and clean.

This is sort of a running theme throughout the book with his family. It's a little more subtle from his sister, but his whole family is worried about what they see as unnatural behavior. I'm sure that they mean well, but the constant nagging has got to wear on John. His feelings about the nagging itself don't really get a huge role in this book, and I really thought that they should have. It has to be annoying and disheartening to know that every time you try to do anything, your family is there to tell you that it isn't normal and you have to stop it. But, the author gets around this by making it plain that this is just how John's life is and always has been and he is used to it now and as long as it doesn't get to the point where it actually interferes with what he wants to be doing, he can more or less roll with it pretty easily.

At this point, it's probably good to mention that John is also a sociopath. He's too young for a formal diagnosis, but his psychiatrist went ahead and diagnosed him with antisocial personality disorder. Which is just a nice way of saying that John is a sociopath.

"'Happy' is not having a son who has to follow rules to keep himself from killing people," she shot back. "'Happy' is not a psychologist telling me that my son is a sociopath. 'Happy' is---" "He said I was a sociopath?" That was kind of cool. I'd always suspected, but it was nice to have an official diagnosis. "Antisocial personality disorder," she said, her voice rising. "I looked it up. It's a psychosis." She turned away. "My son's a psychotic." "APD is primarily defined as a lack of empathy," I said. I'd looked it up, too, a few months ago. Empathy is what allows people to interpret emotion, the same way ears interpret sound; without it you become emotionally deaf. "It means I don't connect emotionally with other people. I wondered if he was going to pick that one."

It's very clear that his mother doesn't quite understand what being diagnosed with this means. She seems to think that she can change him by forcing him to change his behavior (keeping him out of the mortuary and away from the dead bodies) or just telling him to act like a normal person (chase girls, make friends, be sociable) or simply telling him to stop being a sociopath.

I understand that she probably doesn't want her child to be a sociopath or in any way abnormal to the rest of society to such an extent, especially since sociopaths are only in the news for doing terrible, nasty things to other people. But, she seems to be taking leave of reality here. You can't just tell people to stop being who or what they are and expect it to work. Reality doesn't work that way, no matter how hard you try to make it work that way.

Generally, telling your kids that you are ashamed of them and that they are not normal isn't a great parenting tactic.

Also, while we're at it let's lament the trope of the overbearing single mother making an appearance here in the book. It's overused when there's a male as the main character, especially young males. Abusive father, wishy-washy mother. Absent father, overbearing mother. Both parents dead. These are tropes that generally always make it in when there's a male character as the main character.

However, I think that in this case I can look past it because it seems to be serving a purpose other than being a trope or being in some way misogynistic. Instead of working like that, what I think Wells is doing is setting up the character's background to be classic for a sociopathic personality. Most of the time when we look into the backgrounds of high profile sociopaths, it's practically textbook that they've got an absent father and an overbearing mother (or a present father who is so henpecked he may as well not be there).

This doesn't mean that overbearing mothers and absent fathers cause sociopathy, but most readers are going to be familiar only with high profile serial killers and terrorists who have been said to be sociopaths and he wants this background to be familiar for them. To set it up to show that this boy is a sociopath in a way that is simple and easily (and quickly) understood. To keep it in mind, but move past it enough to let the rest of the story progress the way it will.

There are other ways to do that, but I can forgive it because I think it was an attempt at some simplicity. Then again, just because I can forgive it doesn't mean that other readers will. This is a YA book and perhaps not the time to use simplicity if it goes along with a misogynistic stereotype. Giving young girls or young boys this view of women is not a great idea.

Also, let's be clear here: I'm not calling Dan Wells a misogynist. I'm just pointing out that this view of women screwing up their sons by being overbearing whenever a strong father figure isn't around to stop that from happening is overused and misogynistic. I'm willing to bet that he didn't even stop to think of it like that, and if he had he may have changed it a bit. That's an ingrained societal problem.

Now, let's get back to the rules that were mentioned. John has made up rules for himself as he's gone along, ever since he's realized he isn't quite normal, in order to keep himself from doing something wrong or bad. He doesn't want to hurt anyone and he's taken proactive steps to make sure that he does not. That his sociopathy doesn't get too out of hand. I think that this alone is fascinating, but he also gives some examples of those rules.

He likes to watch people, but he makes certain that if he catches himself watching someone for too long that he forces himself to ignore that person for a week and not think about them. He stays away from animals, won't even accept the idea of a pet around the house or pet someone else's. If he's being bothered by someone to the point that he's getting angry or thinking of hurting them, he gives them a compliment and smiles at them to force himself to think good thoughts and to stop himself from doing anything bad.

This is fascinating to me, because I don't think I've ever heard of anyone doing something like this before. He's very intelligent, which is not abnormal in sociopathic people, and has been making rules since he was eight-years-old when he first realized he wasn't like other people. Instead of ignoring this, because it was upsetting think he wasn't normal or worrying that he would get into trouble so just hoping it would go away on it's own, he began to take proactive steps to stop it from getting worse. And, every time he notices a new or different tendency or trait that is not normal, he will make a new rule.

He sees this as taking responsibility for who and what he is, the fact that he is the type of person that could grow up to be dangerous and that he is already exhibiting a lot of the tendencies and traits that show up in the types of sociopaths that do commit heinous crimes. Like those serial killers he's so fascinated with. In fact, I think that's why he's so fascinated with serial killers and the information out about them. He wants to find out what he has in common with them in order to stop himself from becoming like them. But, also they're kind of cool to learn about anyway, and I think even non-sociopathic people would say the same. Otherwise, we wouldn't be so fascinated with them ourselves and there wouldn't be so many people interested in getting their hands on books about Charles Manson, the Zodiac Killer, the Green River Killer, etc.

Something else about John...is that he thinks that fate wants him to become a serial killer. Not only was he born without empathy, making him -- as he put it -- emotionally deaf, but he seems to be surrounded by personal reminders of serial killers.

"I say 'fate,'" I explained, "because this goes way beyond some simple behavioral quirks. There are some aspects of my life that I can't control, and they can only be explained by fate." "Such as?" "I'm named after a serial killer," I said. "John Wayne Gacy killed thirty-three people in Chicago and buried most of them int he crawl space under his house." "Your parents didn't name you after John Wayne Gacy," said Neblin. "Believe it or not, I specifically asked your mom about it." "You did?" "I'm smarter than I look," he said. "But you need to remember that one coincidental link to a serial killer is not a destiny." "My dad's name is Sam," I said. "That makes me the Son of Sam---a serial killer in New York who said his dog told him to kill." "So you have coincidental links to two serial killers," he said. "That's a little odd, I admit, but I'm still not seeing a cosmic conspiracy against you." "My last name is 'Cleaver,'" I said. "How many people do you know that are named after two serial killers and a murder weapon?"

I'm not sure if this is also a trait he should've been looking out for, but I find this sort of thinking to be delusional. I'm not sure if he's just hoping that some of this is out of his control, that there is someone or something working his life and the circumstances around it to make him into something he doesn't want to be. Something or someone he must fight against, to give him a goal and reason to defy his "fate" rather than just simply trying to conform to societal norms and mores. Also, I must take into account that he is just a fifteen-year-old boy. Children and teenagers are prone to delusional thoughts and illusions of grandeur just because of their age and the way that their brains are not yet finished developing. Plus, this time of his life is going to be filled with hormonal issues, as well. Hormones can effect brain chemistry and the way that you think and see the world in general. Which must be difficult seeing as he is already struggling with this other huge issue of the brain, a lack of empathy and (perhaps) conscience.

Because, let's not forget that knowing that you are doing something wrong and taking steps to stop that behavior is not necessarily the same thing as understanding WHY what you are doing is wrong and feeling bad about that.

Frankly, despite the fact that being able to talk to Dr. Neblin helps him and he recognizes that (he has no one else he can talk to about serial killers or other things he likes or dislikes), I'm surprised he even continues to speak to his doctor. I'm surprised he goes there without being prompted directly after school on the days he has to, and I'm surprised he does more than sit there and stare at the floor or the desk or out the window.

However, despite these issues (and in some instances because of them) it's a good read! It actually is very interesting and the process by which John goes about figuring out who the monster is and how to defeat him (and his social problems within his school and community thrown in for good measure) makes this a book that is very easy to get into, it's very easy to read, and I think anyone would enjoy it regardless of gender or age.

[taurusmanlove]

8 Reasons Why Taurus Guys Pull Away

New Post has been published on https://taurusmen.net/why-taurus-man-pulls-away-from-relationship/

8 Reasons Why Taurus Guys Pull Away

If you’ve been dating a Taurus man, but now for some reason, he’s started to pull away then you’re probably feeling a little confused.

There are several reasons why men pull away at different stages of a relationship. However, for the Taurus man, there are some common factors that can make him behave this way.

For a really detailed explanation of this along with the three key reasons that cause a Taurus man to pull away (and what you can do about it), you may want to check out astrologer Anna Kovach’s new book, Taurus Man Secrets. I reviewed it here for my readers.

However, in this article, I’m am also going to share with you some insights on why he may be acting this way and what you can do to bring him back to you.

Taurus men love to take their time before deciding whether they should date a woman or continue seeing her if it is still in the early stages of the relationship. They do not like been pushed or rushed, and they can also be very cautious and stubborn if they feel they are being coerced.

In a relationship, a Taurus man tends to be very loyal and devoted. A relationship with him is likely to last once the two of you have decided that you’re right for each other. However, there are things that can make him become distant, withdrawn and start to pull away from you.

Common Reasons Why a Taurus Man Pulls Away

He feels insecure

Taurus men value security, and they also want to feel secure when in a relationship with a woman.

So, your Taurus lover is likely to withdraw from you if he feels his security is threatened. However, there can be a number of reasons why he may be feeling this way, so you will need to have a conversation with him to find out why he is perceiving things in this way.

For instance, if he notices you have been talking to a specific guy constantly, he may start to question your feelings towards him. This may lead to him withdrawing before you reject him. This is more likely the case if you are in the early stages of a relationship as he still does not know the person that you are.

He’s not ready for a change

Taurus men do not cope very well with change.

He does not adapt very well to changes in his job, relationships, or in his surroundings in general. So, Taurus guys tend to be very stubborn whenever they’re required to do things differently.

What’s more, if for instance you want to move in with your Taurus lover and he is not ready, he may distance himself because he is afraid of losing control over his freedom and the lifestyle he is used to.

If this is the case then all you need to do is allow him time to feel comfortable with the idea of the two of you become closer. Don’t do or say anything that will make him feel you are trying to rush him. Just take your time and allow yourself to enjoy the connection you are experiencing with him.

The danger is, however, if we are too laid back then it is likely our man will become too comfortable with the casual arrangement.

Fortunately, relationship coach Amy North teaches women a sneaky technique she calls her “devotion sequence” for this very reason.

Amy’s psychological trick leads a man to feel a level of desire beyond love and make him feel an emotional connection to you, and only you. Amy explains the method here.

Related article: What you need to do to get him to commit

He’s not that much into you

Taurus guys want to date a woman they are attracted to and, as mentioned previously, they tend to take their time in deciding if a woman is right for them.

So, if you have been interacting with your Taurus crush, and he has suddenly disappeared, it could be he does not find you as appealing as he once thought, or he is not interested in spending the rest of his life with you.

In other words, your Taurus crush is likely to withdraw if he realizes that you are incompatible or that you do not have the qualities he is looking for in a long-term partner.

Your Taurus crush can also lose interest in you if you do something that made him feel inferior or jealous.

Unfortunately, in some cases, he may be pulling away from you for this reason, but you have not yet had the opportunity to show him who you really are.

To solve this problem, next time you talk to him casually drop these subtle words into your conversation to change his mindset and get him to view you through the eyes of attraction.

It’s pretty simple, the video on this page will explain what you need to do.

You’re too needy

The desire of every Taurus guy is to be with a woman who has the ability to do things without depending on him. He also wants a woman who knows how to enjoy her own company.

So, your Taurus crush will pull back if he feels suffocated, trapped, or like he is losing his freedom due to the relationship.

In other words, your Taurus boyfriend will walk out on you if he realizes that you are a desperate and needy woman who does not have the ability to meet her personal and emotional needs by herself.

So, if you depend on your Taurus boyfriend to fill an emotional void, or fulfil your every need and desire, he will certainly lose interest in you and pull away.

See also: How to make a Taurus guy want you back

Dishonesty

Taurus men are known to be very honest and loyal, and their desire is to date a woman who is also as honest as he is.

That said, if your he realizes that you are pretending to be a person you are not so that you can impress him, he will likely lose interest in you completely.

So, if you are eyeing a Taurus guy and you want your relationship to last for the long-term, it is important that you prove to him that you are an honest woman.

He’s hurt

Even though Taurus guys are very patient, calm and grounded, they tend to also be very sensitive and can get quite angry when they are no longer able to tolerate a situation.

So, if he suddenly withdraws from you, and you do not get to hear from him, it could be that he is feeling hurt by something you did or said.

However, if your Taurus man is giving you the silent treatment, it is important that you give him space to cool down and talk to you when he is ready.

See also: 6 keys to getting a Taurus to forgive you

You are too domineering

A Taurus man wants to be in charge and he hates it when a woman dominates his life.

Taurean guys don’t want to be with a woman who is bossy and overbearing.

Above all, if he feels like he is dating his mother when he is with you then he will lose interest in you faster than you can blink.

He could have lost interest in you if you have been denying him the opportunity to be the leader from time to time, or by bossing him around or acting like a mom to him.

In other words, Taurus men do not want to be told what to do. So, if you keep nagging him with what he should and shouldn’t do, it won’t be too long before he ghosts you.

Related article: Why he’s ignoring your text messages

He is busy

Another reason why a Taurus man withdraws is that he is just too busy.

Taurus men are known to be very hard working by nature, and it could be he is ignoring you because he is working on something that is very urgent and doesn’t have time to spend with you at the moment.

If your Taurus man is acting distant, it is because he may be focusing on an important work project. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to break up with you.

If he’s into you then he’ll come back once things have settled down for him, so just be patient and give him space.

See also: Using the no contact rule with a Taurus man

Final Thoughts

There are several reasons why your Taurus man may be acting distant. It is important to first figure out the reason for his withdrawal before jumping to conclusions.

If he just needs some space for a while then give him what he needs and he will appreciate and respect you all the more for it once he is more settled.

If, however, there are some clear signs that indicate he is losing interest in you then you have two choices;

Walk away from him and move on

Use the simple yet powerful words hat relationship coach, Amy North teaches to trigger is feelings of attraction and desire for you. You can learn more about Amy’s psychological hack here.

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