#and shit talk it and place your own western assumptions on it

[myvirtuesuncounted]

"problematic representation of the gods" You mean taking a bunch of guys who, in their mythology, often amounted to a collection of petulant, violent, lecherous, holier-than-thou assholes on their best days and filtering that though modern-day perspectives (namely a somewhat jaded teenage boy)?

*sighs*

look anon, idk who you are, and frankly, idc. because whether or not it's on purpose, this is one of the most blatantly disrespectful asks i've gotten.

Now i'm gonna start this off by saying that it is completely okay to like pjo (in fact you see me reblog this content on the daily) but you have to acknowledge that it got a lot of shit wrong. and you know what? i'm happy i got sent this ask because i will be able to explain in depth all the things rick riordan got wrong (which is a lot, so i might not get through it).

Let's start simple, first imma talk in a broader sense, then i will digress into the most problematic depictions in my opinion.

In a broader sense, you shouldn't apply human values and ideas to gods. Hellenisimos is a rather small religion and imma just say, if any major religion was represented like this, no one would even go near rick riordan. But people think it's okay to shit on a group of people who worship and work with these gods and find these depictions very offending. More often or not, the people who shit on the Greek gods have only the smallest understanding of mythology and use western retellings as sources, which, imma say it, is a coloniser move because you are disrespecting a beautiful culture and religion by making stupid assumptions based on your small-minded mindset. Think of it like the Europeans colonising places like the Americas and Asia and spreading lies about the indigenous cultures, but instead it's the Romans colonising Greece and butchering their myths. I am not Greek, nor am I a Hellenic polytheist (tho the religion and practices really draw my interest and i'm absolutely in love with it), but I am educated enough to do my own research and actually give respect to all religions.

Now moving on to individual depictions, which I think are the most problematic.

Zeus- I have seen Zeus hate everywhere, including in the general community. In fact I used to hate Zeus as well, until i started following a Hellenic polytheist on tiktok (@/sappho.wannabe) and they explained what's wrong with this problematic mindset and also what's wrong with pjo. Zeus is depicted as abusive, a bad dad, and a haughty, power-hungry ruler, a rapist, and a bad husband (and this is also the general depiction). He is NOT any of that. "Oh but he cheats on his wife and has a bunch of kids" he does this because of prophecies given by the Fates about demigod heroes and frankly, Hera understands this. Lemme just say that when the Age of Heroes ended, he stopped hooking up with other women. "He's a rapist!" This mindset is completely out of context. Think about the culture in which this is written in. The Ancient Greeks did not see it as such and it's considered a huge blessing to bear a god's children. This idea may also have come up due to mistranslations. "He's a bad king and the gods wanted to overthrow him" Yes, that myth of Hera, Poseidon, and others joining forces to attempt a coup is correct. But after that incident, Zeus swore on the river Styx to be a good husband to Hera, a good father to his Olympian children, and a better king. And he lived up to it. About him being a bad dad, he made some decisions that he absolutely did not want but he was the king of the universe; he has to do what's best for it. Frankly, his depiction in pjo is based on western, colonised retellings and stereotypes.

Hera- Imma start by saying that all the goddesses' depictions are sexist. Hera in pjo is a cruel bitch who hates her husband and his lovers. HONESTLY PEOPLE WHO THINK THIS STFU AND DO SOME RESEARCH! "She tortured her husband's lovers!" She punished the lovers who thought they were better than her and yes, she was jealous at times BUT THAT DOESN'T DEFINE HER AND THAT OVERALL MINDSET IS SEXIST! "She hates her husband and is in a loveless marriage" Oh my fucking gods, you think that the goddess of marriage and patron of wives would stay in a loveless marriage?? NO. She loves Zeus with all her heart and yes, she gets mad at him for cheating but like i said, she knows it's for the prophecies. And lemme just say, she's allowed to feel upset about that. But in modern days in a religious context, their marriage is rather healthy as the Age of Heroes has come to an end.

Athena- Lemme say something. How dare Rick write in a maiden goddess having children? Idc how she conceives them, she swore an oath of chastity, which means no children. So essentially, the mere existence of the Athena campers is problematic and disrespectful. Now moving on to her personality: she is depicted as haughty, mean, and cold. Especially in Mark of Athena, like wtf?? Athena would never treat someone like that out of the blue. And her sending off demigods to die just to retrieve a statue?? Also lemme take this moment to say that the myths about Medusa and Arachne are not Greek. They are Roman. And also written by Ovid, someone who hated the gods and authority in general and essentially colonised the myths and wrote them to make the slander the gods, especially Athena and Poseidon because he was kicked out of Athens. In Greek myths, Medusa was born a gorgon, she wasn't transformed. And I don't think Arachne even appears in Greek myths.

Ares- Okay, wow. So Ares in pjo is abusive and sexist. Which is absolutely NOT him. He's literally the patron god of the Amazons, a group of women warriors who rebelled against the patriarchy, how would he be sexist?? And Ares is arguably one of the best dads on Olympus and is in a healthy relationship with Aphrodite. He may be the god of war but he doesn't use violence inappropriately and is not a dumb brute.

Aphrodite- Once again, this depiction is extremely sexist and rick really let all his misogyny into this, didn't he?? In pjo, Aphrodite is a catty bitch who hates anyone pretty and sees people as objects in exciting stories. First of all, just no. Aphrodite is one of my favourite goddesses and i hate the misinfo spread about her. She doesn't hate pretty people, she hates people who use their beauty to compare themselves to a literal goddess of beauty. Mortals comparing themselves to gods in any way is extremely disrespectful. And she lets those people know it. Also, when Aphrodite is a goddess of love, that includes self-love and a lot of people, myself included, see her as motivation to practice self care. May I also say that Aphrodite was worshipped as a war goddess (Aphrodite Areia) in Sparta, comparable to Ares. Sparta, the most warlike city in Greece, respected her as a war deity and a love goddess. Athens didn't do this because they had the sexist mindset that a goddess couldn't be extremely feminine and warlike at the same time.

Artemis- Lemme clear up a big misconception about Artemis, she is not aroace. People want to use her as aroace rep but she's not. If you want aroace, look at Hestia (not Athena because she did have romances with Pallas and Myrmex). Artemis is in fact sapphic (not saying lesbian bc i don't wanna label the gods' sexualities). The vow swears off men, and that allows the loophole of dating women. In fact, the entire point of her hunters is a group of queer women who can escape the patriarchy. Think of the myth of Artemis and Callisto; Zeus chose to take the form of Artemis when approaching Callisto, and this would never have worked if Artemis and Callisto were just friends. THEY WERE DATING! And in the rrverse, it shows Artemis kicking out two lesbian hunters, like wtf?? Finding sapphic lovers is the whole point of the Hunters, why would she kick out women for doing just that??

Hades- Pjo seems to imply that Hades would cheat on his wife to have kids. NO HE WOULDN'T. He loves Persephone SO MUCH, he would never do that to her. And also the insinuation of him siding with the Nazis?? Omg this is just another depiction trying to vilify Hades.

Okay, that's probably the most problematic inaccuracies there (and perhaps the most common). And if you were simply uneducated, you should understand now, but if you're just being disrespectful, fuck off from my blog.

[heliosoll]

can you believe in the law of assumption and religion? i keep seeing people say you can't but i don't understand.

Well... I want to preface all of this with this is just my opinion. I will be talking more matter of factly but that's just because this is what I believe. I'm not trying to force anyone to agree nor do I think people have to. Okay?

Personally, I think you can believe in a religion and the law. I honestly don't think those two things contradict. I 100% understand why people believe they do and why a lot of people feel uncomfortable believing in religion after getting into the law. However, and again this is just my opinion, I think a lot of those people are coming from a very westernized/Christianized viewing of religion.

There are so many religion and belief systems out there that preach humans getting on the same level as "gods". Things like reaching enlightenment or connecting to your higher soul are all beliefs that often go hand in hand with reaching a "godlike state of being". I mean, various times throughout history humans have even used this kind of belief to further their advancements in things like politics.

And while there are also many religions that place their Gods above humans and think of them as higher beings, the specific fear that comes with being a "human" against a powerful "God" is much more Christian in nature. Now listen I'm not shitting on Christianity; I grew up in a Christian family. But that means I know firsthand how Christians use the word of God to control others and place fear in people's hearts. The idea that we can never even hope to be as powerful or as enlightened as the Gods is a very Christian-centric viewing of religion.

While other beliefs preach being a good person to achieve a god status, Christianity preaches being a good person because God says so. While other religions hold the belief that humans can become Gods or even are Gods in their own right, Christianity hammers down the idea that we're lesser than God.

We are all made of energy. Every living thing is made of energy and that energy doesn't get destroyed when we're "gone". The way I see it, all these Gods and Goddesses and other such divine beings are also just made of energy. They aren't made from special energy that's better than us; they're made from the same energy we're made of. Our belief in these beings is what makes them so. They wouldn't exist if we didn't believe in them. And honestly? This is loa 101.

Our assumptions and beliefs manifest into our reality. To me, saying that these Gods aren't real or can't exist despite people truly and genuinely believing in them is more contradictory than anything else. Even outside sources like astrology, tarot, and witchcraft are still real if you assume them to be. Saying that they're just coincidences or just placebos not only contradicts the law but imo is very dismissive.

I personally choose to believe in the Greek Gods. I don't consider myself religious because of negative connotations to the word, but I do "follow" them. I personally work with Apollo mostly and even have an altar for him and Aphrodite. My belief in them is what makes them real in my reality. I assume they're real and therefore they must be. That's how the law works. I don't doubt their existence because I choose to believe in them.

But at the same time, I don't limit my own power just because I assume they exist. I work with my Gods, not against them. They don't see me as a threat nor do they think I'm being sinful or blasphemous for calling myself God. "God" is just a word. It's a word that has a specific meaning, but at the end of the day, it's just a word that allows people to understand how much power they truly have. When we think of gods, we think of truly powerful beings that can create and kill and love and hate and raise and condemn. And as pure sources of energy that simply chose to experience the universe in the 3D, we have that power too.

Believing in the Law and believing in religions is not contradictory to me. The issue that people face is when they follow religions that preach Gods being so much more powerful than us and humans being so, so weak and having to rely on them. That's when they start to give their power away to outside sources and downright refuse to acknowledge how much power they have. I genuinely think that any religious person can work alongside the law as long as they're also working alongside whoever they believe in. There's a very big difference between working with someone and working under them.

Believing in Gods is not what contradicts the law. Believing that they are more powerful than us is what contradicts the law. We are one and the same. We are made from the same energy that all these Gods are made of. We chose to experience life in the 3D and we can choose to fully live in the 4D or the 5D. We can mold and bend our realities because we're literally just choosing to be here. I'm made from the same energy that the Gods I believe in are made of. We exist in the same planes of reality. We have the same powers. I am just as much a God as they are and that doesn't contradict.

To me, saying that these Gods can't really exist because I'm a God would be like saying my neighbor Greg can't really exist because I also live here. However, if I started to say that my neighbor Greg was more powerful than me, despite us being made of the same energy and having the exact same powers, that would be against the law.

It mostly comes down to which religion you believe in because some work really well with the law while others don't. *Christianity doesn't work well with the law because the main belief is that the Christian God created the universe and that he's the most powerful being. That does contradict the law. Meanwhile, polytheistic hellenism (for example) works better because the Gods didn't create anything, they just represent things and the entire practice comes down to working with your Gods.

*Little disclaimer that I'm not saying Christianity isn't real or that you can't be Christian and believe in the law. I'm just stating that it's harder to work with that God on an equal level because of the belief that he's the most powerful.

[queenofnohr]

Fate/Grand Order Saito Hajime Line Masterpost

Gotta pay my respects to the Shinsengumi as always.

I really do recommend reading these along with a video showcasing his lines if you don’t have him since his voice acting is phenomenal and also some of what he says is clearly like... under his breath or there’s a tone shift or whatever (for example, his lines with Okita sound rather harsh if you’re under the assumption he’s always speaking directly to her).

As always these lines aren’t in the order they appear in on his card page, but the order you’re most likely to hear them in.

One other note is - I left “makoto” untranslated when in direct reference to the Shinsengumi flag/ideals. Makoto means “truth” and it would still work translated as that, but within context it means... more than that. Not just truth, but ideals, what it means to be Shinsengumi, etc. and I thought cutting it down to simply truth was doing it a disservice.

Summoning: Hajime Saito, Captain of the Shinsengumi’s Third Division here. You can call me your beloved Hajime-chan. Wait, no, like I thought that’s no good. So you’re Master-chan, huh? Well that explains the look on your face. Oh, right, I’m not great with formalities so… with that, regards to ya.

Level Up 1: Thanks a bunch, Master-chan. Level Up 2: Thanks for that.

Ascension 1: How do I look? Pretty swanky, right? I looked like this back in the day since I was a police officer. I’m pretty used to wearing Western clothes because of that. Ascension 2: Oh, these swords? This one is a wakizashi, and the other is a naga-wakizashi. The longer the wakizashi the better, and the Commander encouraged me by saying, “That suits you surprisingly well!” …...Ha, a sword suiting me.* Ascension 3: To think there’d come a day when I’d wear this again…… A lot of things happened, but in the end I came back. It’s been so long, and no time at all…… There’s nothing more to say. Ascension 4: Thank you, really, for sticking with me this far even though I’m like this. What’s with this? I’m not the type to get all choked up. There must really be something wrong with me. …...Anyway. I’m entrusting my sword to you. —Hajime Saito, Invincible Blade and Captain of the Shinsengumi’s Third Division reporting in.

My Room Generic 1: Are you heading out? Then I’ll tag along with you. What? I won’t get in your way, so do as you like. My Room Generic 2: I’m no good at serving under people, I’m no good at not serving under people…… I just go with the flow. If I force it, it’ll just leave. My Room Generic 3: So I’m your subordinate, huh, Master-chan? Since I’m a Servant. But, sorry, I won’t go to my death. What’s the saying? If a human dies, they lose. My Room Generic 4: School of swordsmanship? Nah, I don’t do anything like that, I just swing my sword around carelessly when the time comes. It’s not anything as impressive as a school of swordsmanship. Well, if I had to call it anything it’d be the “Invincible Style.” There’s no theory to crossing swords in the first place. It’s just something I’m crazy about. That is, killing each other.

With Okita: Well, if it isn’t Okita-chan. You doing okay? What, can’t a guy ask what’s up? You always were Ms. Sickly after all. Well, in any case it’s a relief we’re on the same side. It was only you I never wanted to meet again…... With Hijikata: Vice Commander, you still…… No. It’s fine. It’s better if you stick to your “makoto.” Just as I must try to overcome my “makoto.” With Izou: So that’s Man-Slayer Izou, huh. His sword skills are certainly a big deal. Calling him a genius is no exaggeration. But the most important thing - the ability to get on in the world - is something he totally lacks. It’s all over when you die. With Ryouma: Ryouma Sakamoto of Tosa. I didn’t think I’d see you here. But if you’re not an enemy I guess I’ll thank you. That’s right, you always were quite the charmer. By the way, can you introduce me to the beautiful woman accompanying you? …...Huh? I have a bad feeling about this. With Musashi (any version): So even Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kojirou are here. What’s with this place? Can a minor swordsman like me even get a day in the limelight? With all these legendary swordsmen around…… For once I wish I was on the other si— Woah, that was out of character for me. I’d better quit while I’m ahead. With Okita Alter: You’re Okita-chan!? Nonono, what’s with that look, what’s with that sword, what’s with those tits!? …...Huh? “As an Alter it’d be better to call me Majin-san”? Wow, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Whatever. By the way, how about a drink tonight? We can eat soba or whatever too. With Kagetora: So the great war hero of Echigo is a woman, huh. But Nobunaga is also a woman, so that’s not really surprising…… No, isn’t it normal to be surprised!? But, well, it seems people also thought Okita-chan was a man……

Likes: Stuff I like? That’d be playing around. I mean I look like a freeloader, right? That’s really how I am. …...Eh? You can see it? That’s unexpected. Oh, that’s right, you know the croquette soba I ate at the cafeteria? I like that. Dislikes: Stuff I hate? I’ve always been bad at dealing with stubborn guys. Weren’t those types all around me? I don’t know who you’re talking about. The Vice Commander? Oh, he isn’t stubborn. —It’s more like he’s pure. Holy Grail: The Holy Grail? It can make whatever you wish for come true? Wow~ That sounds shady even to me. Well, “don’t knock it till you try it,” and all. So why don’t you try it? If it works out, I’ll try it too.

Bond 1: Master-chan? There’s no need to worry about me, right? I’m just a guy who sides with the strong and gets carried along with the tide. No, really. Bond 2: Haa~ you’re so serious Master-chan. Aren’t you tired of it? Though even if you wanted to run away, you couldn’t. There, there, it’s okay; I’m in the same boat too. Bond 3: Look, at the end of the day, I didn’t follow the Commander or the Vice Commander. I’m an unreliable guy. So, Master-chan, don’t care about me and use me as you like and throw me away when you like. I’d like for it to be like that, too. Bond 4: —Huh? Oh, sorry. I was thinking. What, it’s not a big deal. I was wondering if it was okay to just go on as things are now. Then, I decided. That I’ll go as I am now. Don’t worry, since I’m one of the Shinsengumi that survived. Bond 5: My “makoto” is only my own. It’s the “makoto” of freedom that isn’t bound to anyone. Master-chan…… No, Master. This is my true nature. Serving someone and swearing my loyalty to them doesn’t suit me. So I will help you in accordance with my “makoto.” As long as you remain you.

Event: “Woah, looks like an event is going on. Shouldn’t you get out there? You should play while you can, ‘cause you can’t play when you’re dead. I’ve said it for a long time now, “Life is short, so play around while you’re young.” Right? Birthday: Oh, you’re here. Your birthday is today - congratulations. …...That said, I didn’t get you anything. Sorry, but I’m not that thoughtful. Oh, that reminds me - I’m not saying this is a substitute, but are you going to eat soba? If so, I’ll treat you to croquettes.

Battle Start 1: It’ll be fine, after all you have the invincible Hajime-chan on your side. …...What? Battle Start 2: Well, I hope these guys are weak. Battle Start 3: I’m Hajime Saito, Captain of the Shinsengumi’s Third Division. If you want to flee, flee quickly. …...Well, I won’t let you escape, but even so.

Card Select 1: This one? Card Select 2: ……Okay Card Select 3: Yeah, yeah

Attack 1: Hah! Attack 2: There and there and there! Attack 3: This is how to use a sword! Attack 4: There we go. Attack 5: Take this! Attack 6: There!

Extra Attack 1: Dodge it? …...You can’t! Extra Attack 2: Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy…… it’s over! Extra Attack 3: Sorry, but this is as far as you go. …...Die.

Skill 1: Well, let’s take it easy. Skill 2: Now then, shall I kill? Skill 3: I got too carried away.

NP Select 1: I’ll show you…… an invincible blade! NP Select 2: Well then, could you step back, Master-chan? NP Select 3: You think you can take this sword? …...You’ll die if you do.

NP 1: It doesn’t matter what technique you use. Only the strong will win. …...Like me— Haugh! NP 2: Good grief. Well then…… Here I come! —This is…… the end! NP 3: Without form, it is intangible, flowing, it is infinite, and thus my sword is— invincible!

Damage 1: Oh shit! Damage 2: Ouch! Damage 3: Are you for real!? Damage 4: tch!

Defeated 1: There’s no way I could lose…… They always said I was the Invincible Blade…… Defeated 2: It was my rule to never lose a match…… I’ve lost my edge…... Defeated 3: Sorry…… Everyone……

Victory 1: My rule is to never lose a match. That’s what it means to be invincible. Victory 2: *sigh* That was an unexpectedly troublesome job. Master-chan, are you safe? Victory 3: Right, arrest anyone who’s still breathing! Third Division, withdraw!

-

* History lesson! While this could be in reference to Kondou Issami (the Commander in question), his talking about being on the police force gives me reason to believe he’s talking about his time after the Shinsengumi as Fujita Gorou (he did serve as part of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department until he retired in 1890). In that case, this story in particular is about he was the only person authorized to carry a katana (naga-wakizashi are almost identical to katana) after the fall of the Tokugawa. It also puts his tone shift in perspective when listening to the line itself - he goes from relaying a work story to reflecting on said story near-bitterly because of course a sword would suit him. After all, he was a part of the Shinsengumi (which his boss would not know about).

[sleepingcrisis]

WIP for a western AU! I know literally nothing about westerns and I can't be bothered to give characters accents lmao. Not sure what I'll do with this but I think it is cute :)

***************************************************

"Cherry." 

"Adam." 

The two men looked at eachother. The pink haired man with his hair tied up in a messy bun and a red button up on tucked into his trousers. His belt held two rifles for when customers got out of hand. The blue haired man with his hair slicked back and a white suit on him stood at the bar as if disgusted by the stools that lined it. Cherry could have spat on him with the assumption that if Adam was avoid getting dirty then Cherry should fix that. 

"I want to buy your property-" 

"No." 

"You haven't heard my deal yet Blossom!" 

"I have heard it before and I am sure that I'll hear it again. This is my property and the last thing I want is for you to have your slimy hands all over it. Now order a drink and sit down or get out," Cherry snapped and pointed to the door. 

Adam tsked and grit his teeth, "You can't hang on to the deed of this place forever!" 

"You're right!" Cherry exclaimed and apparently Adam missed the sarcasm when he had the audacity to look hopeful for a moment. "When I'm six feet under then you can have it," Cherry elaborated and rolled his eyes. 

"That'll be sooner than you think!" Adam called before leaving. He always had to get the last word. Cherry would nearly be concerned if the other could possibly settle on someone else speaking last. 

"Is everything going to be alright?" 

Cherry looked over at his newest crew member. A young man named Langa who had light blue hair and was currently cleaning off tables. 

"Yeah he does that sometimes," Cherry explained with a shrug. 

"And you aren't worried?" Langa asked, brow raised. 

"Nope. I'd put a bullet between his eyes before I let that bastard scare me," Cherry decided with a grin. He heard Langa gulp and chuckled softly. Cherry didn't even know how the boy was still alive. He was what people far up north called a pacifist. He didn't carry a rifle and even when Cherry had offered he refused to learn how to shoot. This alone was a good enough reason for Cherry to decide not to get attached. 

"You should dump out the spit buckets before the evening crowd comes in," Cherry mentioned. He realized he hadn't given the northerner that task before by the way Langa looked at him. 

"The what?" Langa asked softly. 

They ended up doing that together and Cherry rinsing them out before putting them back in the regular spots as people began to file in. 

"Leave your rifles at the door. This is no place for a gun fight! If I catch any of you bringing something like that past the entrance I'll have two bullets in your chest before you can even draw it!" Cherry barked at one of his more 'problem' customers. 

"Does that rule apply to me?" Came a familiar voice. Cherry already knew he was grinning before he even looked over to him. 

"Especially you Joe," Cherry shot back easily. 

"Is that any way to talk to your sheriff?" Joe asked as he sat down at the bar. 

"In here? Yes. I don't need you trying to play the hero like last time," Cherry said. Neither of them seemed to want to talk about what had happened last time though. 

"Oh hush, I am the sheriff-" 

"And this is my tavern, if someone gets into a bar fight then it is my business unless I specifically call for you." 

"He had a knife!" 

"And?" Cherry didn't seem to see the issue. Instead he walked away from Joe in order to serve other people their alcohol. "Also, order something if you are gonna sit in here Joe- and tell your boy to stop distracting Langa." 

Joe hadn't even noticed. The red head who often tailed him was currently talking with one of Cherry’s servers- a blue haired boy with his hair clipped back to keep it out of his face. 

"Reki!" Joe called and nodded to the seat beside him. The red head seemed to say his goodbyes before moving to sit beside him. Reki was often covered in dirt and the same went for his clothes. His hair matted and wild- he needed a bath. Joe figured he would have to wait until later to mention that. 

Joe himself wore a brown cowboy hat and a button up along with trousers and a vest. The small star remained pinned to his vest signifying his position and his belt held two rifles- 

Until Cherry came over and plucked them out. "Sheriff. You know my rules," Cherry smirked. "Ask me for them when you leave," Joe found himself stuck on the end of a wink. 

Service continued. Joe and Reki got their drinks. Eventually Cherry was closing up shop and was letting his employees off the hook which resulted in Langa taking off and not too long later Joe noticed Reki seemed to have vanished. Must be making friends. 

"Adam dropped by again," Cherry mentioned as if it wasn't important. He filled up Joe’s glass with ale and a glass for himself before they both began to drink from their respective glasses. 

"Is he still trying to buy this place?" Joe asked. 

"Yep." 

"Have you tried talking to the mayor?" 

"Really? The mayor? And what will Mayor Tadashi do?" 

"So that's a no on the mayor thing?" Joe asked and was met with Cherry taking a long swig from his glass. 

"He recommended I consider Adam’s offer. Bastard," Cherry hissed. 

"Are you going to?" Joe asked. 

"Hell no! What do I look like to you?" 

"Sorry you are right," Joe said and sighed softly. "Are you gonna need my help?" 

"No. I can handle it myself Joe. Honestly you worry far too much. And you like to get involved," Cherry chuckled softly and rolled his eyes before taking another swig and went back to cleaning. 

"So why did you tell me about Adam stopping by then?" Joe questioned and rested his chin on his palm. 

"Because I think he is trying to buy out this town," Cherry stated. 

"He has only ever shown interest in your property," Joe mentioned and rolled his eyes. Cherry’s theory was ridiculous. 

"Yeah? Is that what you think? People talk to the one giving them alcohol more than you Joe. Ever since Tadashi became mayor he has bought several empty properties. Mine is the first he has taken interest in that already had something built on it. He owns a lot of land in this town Joe. He is trying to buy us out-" 

"Us?" 

"Do you listen to anything I say?" Cherry hissed and finished his drink before he began to clean the glass. 

"Yes, yes, yes. I'm listening. Do you want me to do something?" Joe asked and tilted his head. 

"What are you going to do? He ain't doing anything illegal," Kaoru muttered. 

"I suppose you're right, but still. I'm loyal to you before the mayor," Joe reminded. 

"Really? Well you better be ready for the shit show that is coming." 

"I'm ready as I can be, someone has to protect you," Joe winked and grinned as he ignored the way Cherry scowled. 

"Ew. Forget I said anything and just get out," Cherry rolled his eyes. He was only teasing but honestly it wasn't like he wanted Joe’s protection. Yes Cherry was slightly concerned about what Adam was doing, no he didn't need Joe to try and protect him. What he needed was for Joe to keep an eye on Adam and protect people who couldn't protect themselves. 

[sweetsassymusic]

The Long Kaz Rant I Told Myself I Wouldn’t Write, But Here We Are

This is probably an unpopular opinion. And I hope it doesn't come across as confrontational or anything because I don't mean it that way. But I've always been super confused by the way Kaz is accepted, basically across the entire fandom, as either morally gray or straight up villainous? He doesn’t really seem like either of those things to me. On a surface level, obviously there are things he’s done that are normally considered evil. He’s stolen, he’s killed, he threatened a child, he gouged out someone’s eye. And that’s all pretty bad, right? But it completely ignores the context given in the books. (More after the cut because this got too long...)

There’s a difference between doing something evil and doing something that’s shocking, “dark,” or difficult to watch.

Before I read the books, I heard fans discuss all the horrible things Kaz does. And the way people talk about him, I was expecting him to be… Feral Kaz – someone who delights in doing horrible things because he’s just so twisted and angry. The author herself even referred to him on her blog as being utterly despicable. Wow! This guy must really go out of his way to hurt innocent people, huh? So when I sat down to actually read it, I was so surprised. Most (if not all?) the killings were done on some level of self-defense. His “murder victims” were actual evil people trying to kill him or someone he loved. And the reason he threatened a child was because the only alternative was killing her – something he would never want to do. You know, because he’s not evil.

I don’t know if I just have very different definitions of these terms than most people? But to me, the idea of Kaz being “utterly despicable” should not even be on the table to begin with (Leigh Bardugo, you good?) and even the idea of him being “morally gray” is questionable.

When I think of a morally good character, I don’t think of someone who never does anything questionable or always perfectly makes the correct choices. I think of someone who is on a mission–either to protect the world, a loved one, or simply pursuing a personal goal–who at least tries to conduct his mission in a way that either does no harm to others, or (when that’s not possible) does as little harm as necessary to get the job done. 

Whereas, when I think of a villainous character, I think of someone who has no regard for others at all. Someone who either relishes in harming the innocent, or pays zero consideration to whether he harms innocents while pursuing his goals (which are usually, in themselves, harmful to innocent people). 

And finally, when I think of a morally gray character, I think of someone directly between these two. Someone who is a little bit evil, a little bit sadistic, but not entirely evil. He’s got a few good points too. Maybe he’s someone who keeps switching sides, unsure if he wants to be a hero or villain. Maybe he has hurt a lot of innocent people unnecessarily, but he joins in with the good guys for personal gain, and people don’t mind him there simply because he doesn’t interfere with the protagonist’s goals. Or maybe he’s the “Bad Cop” to someone else’s Good Cop: someone who uses more violence than is necessary, just for fun, but still helps the good side in some capacity, so everyone chooses to look past it.

Under these definitions, Kaz (to me) seems more like a good character. While pursuing his personal goals, he protects people he loves, and yes, he does do “dark” things. But he doesn’t relish in doing them (despite his reputation in-universe of being a chaotic sadist. His reputation is not accurate; he invented it for his own protection). He does them because he has to. If he can get the job done right without hurting anyone, that’s the route he’ll take. But that option isn’t always available. And he’s not the type to lie down and die just to avoid getting his hands dirty (nor should he, imo). 

Again, maybe I just have a different idea of what constitutes being morally gray. But I always thought it was meant to be a judgment on the choices you make when you actually HAVE a choice? A morally gray character has the choice to be good or evil, and they choose to do both (which one depending on how they feel that day). 

Whereas, if you do something “bad” because circumstances force you to do it–because you or someone you love will die otherwise–that’s pretty much the same as having a gun to your head. You’re not morally gray. You’re doing it under duress. It’s survival, not a reflection of where you stand on moral topics. Like, if you trap a vegan in a room with only a piece of meat, and you leave them there for days, weeks, that person doesn’t suddenly become a “fake vegan” if they eat that meat to avoid literally starving to death. You forced them to do it. When it comes to their moral beliefs, they would still be a vegan if they had the freedom to make that choice. You just put them in a situation where those choices aren’t available to them. Your lack of freedom in a situation shouldn’t define you.

The same can be said for placing a starving, homeless orphan boy alone in the dog-eat-dog world of Ketterdam. The option of being a sweet little law-abiding citizen is not available to him. So is it really fair to define him by something in which he had no choice?

I’ve come across so many GrishaVerse fans who, while sipping on their Starbucks in the comfort of their own home, go “Ugh, Kaz. He’s so DARK, so EVIL!” (Fun fact: while my mom was watching the show, she said Kaz is evil because “he seems to always have a plan.” Oh no! Not PLANS!)  “He must be some kind of monster to be able to do the things he does and still live with himself! I could NEVER do those things!” Well…you’ve never actually had to do those things? Your life has never depended on it? Idk, to me, it’s just a very privileged take. And I’m not trying to make this into a big social issue. It’s not like criticism against a fictional character is anywhere near the same level of importance as the issues marginalized people are facing in real life. I’m just saying, it’s very easy to condemn activity you’ve never been forced to engage in for your own survival.

One of the biggest reasons people have given me for why they think Kaz is evil is that he is “for himself.” Even the author said she thinks Kaz is worse than the Darkling (who, I’ve gotten the impression, she believes to be irredeemable) because the Darkling has communal goals (he wants to bring positive change for other people/the world at large) while Kaz’s goals are just personal (he wants to bring positive change for himself and only himself). And for one? It just isn’t true: many (if not most) of the things Kaz does is either for his Crows or for his late brother; he just disguises it with supposed self-interest for the sake of his reputation. And second? It’s…not actually wrong to have personal goals or to act in self-interest. Bettering your own life is a valid desire. It’s not the same as being selfish. Not everything you do has to be for other people.

(And, tbh, this is something Leigh Bardugo seems to have a problem with in general, not just in this scenario. I could write a whole separate rant about other characters that were demonized in-narrative for engaging in “too much” self-care, and how her unforgivingly black and white morality ruined the Shadow and Bone trilogy for me. Worst of all, she even seemed to imply recently that the only reason real-life antisemitism is wrong is because “the Jews didn’t fight back”? [Like, if they had met her criteria of “fighting back”, would that make antisemitism somewhat justified to her? What? Idek, but she should really clarify.] Basically, she seems to take “non-selfishness” to an extreme. I don’t know her personally, I don’t want to make assumptions, I don’t have anything personal against her, and I’m not trying to get her cancelled or anything, I promise. But please, when you read her books, please don’t accept all her ideas at face value, because there’s some Weird Shit™ in there sometimes.)

Anyway, another reason people say Kaz is bad or morally gray is that he wants revenge. “Revenge is a bad coping mechanism! You should want JUSTICE! Not REVENGE!” And again, this argument is wild to me. I mean, yes, there are situations–especially in real life, modern, western contexts–where revenge is a bad coping mechanism someone has developed, and transforming their anger into a desire for justice is a way for them to overcome that and express their anger in a healthier way. But that’s a very specific scenario. When we’re talking generally, the line between revenge and justice is a lot thinner than people think (and in some scenarios, there is no line at all). 

For example, real life victims and their families often say they can’t wait to see the perpetrator rot in prison, even wishing (sometimes even fantasizing) that the guy gets abused in prison by fellow inmates. For them, justice and revenge are wrapped up together in one big court-issued sentence. And while some people find that disturbing or take issue with it, it’s…generally considered valid outrage? This guy is evil and hurt them, so it’s okay for these people to want him to suffer. And most importantly, these people called the cops instead of taking matters into their own hands, therefore they’re Good, right? They’re good citizens who obey and rely on the established authority, therefore they are handling their anger in an Acceptable™ way?

But in the world of Ketterdam, if someone has victimized you, or is trying to kill you or someone you love, you can’t just call the fucking cops (and let’s be honest, looking at irl cops, it’s a questionable idea here too sometimes). If we’re analyzing Kaz’s outrage and how he handles it, we have to analyze it in the context of where he lives, not where we live. We have options in our lives that Kaz doesn’t have. So we have to ask, what are the most productive steps he could realistically take in his world?

I see activists and bloggers on websites like this, publicly fantasizing about gouging the eyes out of certain politicians and right-wing figureheads. And they would probably do it for real if they could. On Tumblr and Twitter, this is generally considered righteous anger. The politicians are evil, so it’s okay to hurt them, right? That’s how the logic goes, anyway (I know some will disagree, but it’s a common take here). Well, imagine if, instead of just being a bigot, one of these evil people personally stabbed–possibly killed–your girlfriend. And there were no cops to call, no news stations or social media to turn to, to show people what this guy did. No authority or community on your side. No way to ensure this guy faced consequences for his actions. There’s just you, your dying girlfriend, your helplessness, your anger. What would be the appropriate way to handle this situation, so you were acting out of justice instead of revenge? What does “justice” even mean in a world like that? It’s a world where either you hurt others or you lie down and just let others keep hurting those you love (which, in itself, would be evil). I can’t think of any “appropriate” response Kaz could take. Which, for better or worse, is probably why he just went for the eye. You probably would too in that context. Are you morally gray? I doubt it.

It’s really weird to me how people seem to hold Kaz to this high standard of absolute Moral Purity, but they don’t hold other characters to it. Like, was the dad on Taken being “feral” or “morally gray” when he told his daughter’s kidnapper that “I will find you and I will kill you” and then pursued him with fury? His motivations were personal and not communal. He was coming from a place of revenge, just as much as justice. But most people consider him a hero. He’s not controversial or “dark.” There are plenty of other heroes who do terrible things (sometimes to innocent people! Even when it’s not even necessary!) for the “greater good” or just because it’s convenient. People call them a “badass” and then turn around and say Kaz is just “bad.” Idk, it just seems really arbitrary the way people draw these lines.

If we’re expanding the definition of “morally gray” to include anyone who’s ever done anything questionable, made a mistake, been forced to do something they wouldn’t normally do, done something for personal reasons instead of for the world at large, or wanted revenge for something, then there literally are no heroes in fiction (except maybe a few cardboard cutouts) or in real life.

(Ironically, the most morally gray thing Kaz does, imo, is something most people don’t even have a problem with: the fact he runs a gambling house to “take money from pigeons.” And even that is really mild [no one is forcing the “pigeons” to gamble their money away]. But yeah, that’s one of the few instances I could think of where he actually hurt innocent people unnecessarily. That and the time, as a kid, where he stole candy from that other kid...and even that might be mostly-but-not-entirely excused by the fact he was starving to death. But yeah.)

[voxofthevoid]

Taking It Up The Ass Isn’t Character Growth - A Rant

So, in response to an ask a while back, I said I had a rant brewing on fandom and sex positions, and well, a lot of you wanted to see it, so here you go. You literally asked for it.

Disclaimer: This is going to talk a lot about top/bottom roles in slash fic and fandom attitude towards them and is heavily filtered through the lens of my own tastes and experiences with fandom. I’d also like to be upfront that I am 100% in favor of people writing whatever fictional content they want, and it’s not what fandom does with characters that bothers me but rather how that translates into attitudes towards real, live people. Also, this is the essay version of a slow burn AU because I regurgitate my entire fandom history before getting to the point. Beware.

I discovered fan-fiction around a decade ago, had no clue what the hell it was, got hooked and dived deeper. I started participating in fandom circa 2013, and I was fairly young and also completely inexperienced both sexually and romantically. The fandom in question was Hannibal and my ship of choice was Hannibal/Will. It was/is a very chill fandom in general, but we had our drama. And chief among the contentious topics was—you guessed it—the top/bottom debate. I can’t actually remember any other topic that was discussed and argued for so ardently in that fandom, at least in those days. Even after I drifted away, I came across a few posts on the matter.

Generally, you had two camps—people who supported strict roles and those who were in favor of switching*. And because we’re a society plagued by illogical assumptions, the strict role camp mostly had people who thought Mr. Big Bad Cannibal in the Fancy Suits wouldn’t take it up the ass because he’s older, more experienced, more mentally stable, and of course, more ‘dominant’ in personality. Yes, that sentence is chock full of problematic shit. I am aware. Lots of people were aware and argued strongly against attributing top/bottom roles to personality. I don’t remember anyone arguing as enthusiastically for Top Will, but those voices were also there. But the general idea was that assigning strict top/bottom roles to a male/male couple was casting them in a heterosexual mold and thus, the progressive option was to make them switch. Strict roles also garnered comparisons to “yaoi” and uke/seme stereotypes, which was of course bad and fetishizing and we, the Western media fans, of course had to do better. Stealth racism is fun to untangle.

Anyway, I lapped up the woke juice. Partly because I was a baby queer from Buttfuck Nowhere, Asia, who had zero exposure to LGBT+ communities and what queer folks did with each other. Partly because it was the stance taken by most of my favorite writers so it seemed like a good position to emulate.

Emulate it I did. Most discussions I had about this happened in private with the handful of close friends I had in fandom. Where it really showed was in my writing. I made sure to write switching—maybe not in every fic, but then I alternated between fics. Thing is though, I did have a preference. I liked Top Will. I created and consumed a ton of Top Hannibal, and sometimes it was okay, sometimes it was not, but I couldn’t pinpoint why it made me uncomfortable. Back then, I thought I was a cis questioning/bi girl and once again, the impression I got was that not being MLM, having a preference was automatic fetishization. So I tried my best to justify my preferences, to my friends at least. I think what I said was that fandom was skewed towards Top Hannibal, and I liked the opposite because I’m a contrary fuck. Which I am, to be fair, but this was just me desperately trying to figure shit out without being offensive.

That’s the line I touted all the way until 2018, which was when I fucked off to grad school in A City, finally freed of Buttfuck Nowhere and able to actually date. At this point, I was settled in my sexuality (girls only) and questioning my gender (non-binary or trans guy). I had also tentatively figured out during undergrad that I’m an exclusive top and a Dom. Actual attempts at dating cemented that, yes, those are my preferences, about as flexible as a steel rod. Cue motherfucking epiphany over my fanfic tastes.

And see, over these years, I was engaging intermittently with fandom. I dutifully wrote switch couples. I also continued to have rigid tastes and continued to explain it away as being a contrary fuck—to be fair, until Steve/Bucky, my preference did seem to be the opposite of the larger fandom preference. But correlation, as we know, isn’t causation. Until Steve/Bucky, I continued to write versatile couples because I honestly didn’t have the guts to just say I liked it just one way. I do now but even then, I feel compelled to add that it’s because I want to see my own taste reflected in fic, so I write/read the character I relate to as a top, it's not that deep etc. Would I be as forthright if I didn’t have that reason? Would I have such strict preferences in fic if I didn’t have strict preferences IRL? The latter’s a mystery, but the former isn’t—I wouldn’t be because fandom is still entrenched in the same ideas that got me to this point to begin with.

In every fandom I’ve been in, I’ve seen some version of this debate go around. Sometimes, it’s one party saying “why would you write Character X as a bottom, he’s so Reason A” and a reblog chain that insults the OP and/or extols the virtues of switching. Sometimes, it’s a general-ish message that says they don’t understand why people have strict preferences when we all know real gay couples switch. Sometimes, it’s blanket statements that accuse anyone with preferences of fetishizing. Sometimes, it’s the same reasoning that gets you “Character Y is a top because of Reason B” transposed on versatile couples except this takes the form of “they switch because they’re equals.”

Ya’ll, I’m fucking tired.

I have long since lost count of the number of stories I’ve seen where an exclusive top learning bottom and liking it is character growth. Where a character who prefers to bottom taking a turn on top is empowering.

Isolated, these are fine. But I’ve seen enough of such stories that it’s distinctly discomfiting and a major squick. Sometimes a trigger, if I'm too immersed in the story. I’m not going to try and burn an author at the stake because they pissed me off. I am just going to close that window and quietly handle my shit. People can write whatever they want. But this one theme hits too close to home, as you can see from this 1.6k rant.

My friend (also my ex-girlfriend) and I had an all-out bitching session about this the other day. Both of us are kinky fuckers who have rigid, complementary roles we prefer and we have both had our grueling days of struggling to reconcile our sexual tastes with our ideologies precisely because of how these things are frowned upon in conservative and progressive circles. Seeing that in fandom, of all places, is both insulting and exhausting. Topping and bottoming aren’t personality traits. Neither is D/s. It’s sexual preference and power play. It really does not have to be that deep. I am not exorcising childhood trauma using the bodies of women. My partners, former and current, have not been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We will not become better, more complete individuals once I magically stop being a stone top and my partners embrace the joys of a strap-on.

I have, with my own two eyes, seen someone say that in a really committed relationship, of course the couple will switch.

Bullshit.

It’s transparent bullshit. This does not get attributed to cisgender M/F couples. Even when the automatic assumptions of woman = bottom and man = top get addressed, switching isn't presented as the default. No one’s saying “oh, if you really love your husband, you’ll peg him”. I do know butch/femme sapphic couples get their own share of shit. Because it’s all heteronormativity, right? Can’t have any other reason for top/bottom roles.

You have two extremes with “so who’s the woman” on one end and “it’s woke only if they switch” on the other, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re equally damaging. There shouldn’t be a pressure, however subtle, to conform your taste in fiction to some arbitrary idea of progressiveness. People are going to like whatever they want anyway; all this does is create an atmosphere where those likes can’t always be freely expressed without a lot of mental gymnastics. We’re seeing so many versions of this in the pushback against so-called problematic content, but smaller, subtler versions exist too.

Fictional characters aren’t real. They can be whatever you want them to be. And yes, other people will often want them to be the exact opposite of your ideas, but that’s just how things work. Meanwhile, the people behind these usernames? They’re real. No one should be throwing real people under the bus to ‘protect’ characters that don’t exist. Hannibal Lecter doesn’t care whether he gets fucked or dismembered in Author B’s fanfiction, but the discourse that surrounds the dick up his ass? That does affect flesh and blood people.

I am not claiming that this is the only attitude in fandom. Middlegrounds do exist. Plenty of people abide by fic and let fic and there are folks who pipe up to say not every RL queer couple switches. But it’s often the extremes that reach most people. That was certainly my experience, and I’m not the only one.

I don’t really know how to end this post. It is 100% a rant and one that’s been building up for a while. Bottom line is that people’s sexual behavior varies wildly and whenever you attack sexual tastes in fanfic by saying it’s unrealistic - or worse because let’s be real, that’s a very tame word choice - please remember that there’s likely someone out there who practices it.

* I’m using switch and versatile synonymously in this post. It’s mostly concerned with top/bottom debates. A lot of what I’m saying is also echoed in portrayals of and discussions surrounding D/s dynamics, but I’m not addressing that as much for now.  

[desiraypark]

When the Sun Sleeps in Canto Bight [8]

Previous Entire Series CHAPTER PLAYERS Kylo Ren, Leader of the Knights of Ren Ruby Girard Solo, The Beautiful Singer and Wife of Kylo Ren CHAPTER CONTENT Fluff and romance quickly turns to angst and annoyance. Mild sexism TW. Also, Kylo may have a newfound breast-related kink lol

Kylo and Ruby have been married for just over a year. They live in a stunning four-bedroom home in the vibrant heart of Canto Bight. Word Count: 1,780

Before Kylo stepped inside, the scent of Ruby’s cooking hit him in the nose and the sounds of jazz hit his ears. He walked inside and closed the door behind him, excited to see what was waiting. Ruby was in the dining room putting down plates of a pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans on the table with glasses of ginger ale. He leaned in the archway. “You tryin’ to get me to stay home tonight?” he asked. Ruby shrugged and walked to him.

“Maybe,” she said. She gave him a kiss on the lips, and they took their seats. Kylo went straight for his pork chop. “How was your day?” he asked. 

“We recorded four songs today. I provided vocals for all of them. It was so much fun, baby.” Kylo nodded and took a sip of his ginger ale. “We’re going to introduce one of them at the Galaxy.” “That’s great, Babydoll.” Ruby knew that Kylo wasn’t going to detail his day with her, but she always asked anyway. “And what about you? How was your day?” He shrugged a shoulder. “It was alright. Usual shit.” She nodded and let the clink of their silverware fill the silence. Then, she dabbed her mouth with a napkin and smiled. 

“I did a little shopping before I came home.” Kylo met her smile with his own. “Oh, yeah?” Kylo always encouraged her to spend his money up. And she did occasionally, only to buy stupid shit like appliances and cookware. For once, he wanted her to shimmy down their steps in a fur or some diamond rings. He always had to be the one to get those things for her, but he didn’t mind it. And neither did she, for that matter. It’s not that she didn’t like looking nice--quite the opposite--but why get a three-hundred credit coat, when you could get one nice coat, a waffle iron, and a nice radio from the Nears catalog for just over a hundred credits?! “What’d you get?” he asked. Ruby got up and disappeared into the kitchen. Then, she returned with a little bag and placed it in front of  him. She beamed as she rested her hip against the dining table. “What is this, a pair of measuring spoons or somethin’?” he asked, moving the wrapping paper around.  “Just open it, Kylo,” Ruby said with an eye roll. Kylo pulled out the smallest pair of shoes he’d ever seen in his life. Both shoes fit in just want one of his hands. He looked up at Ruby, then down at her belly. It protruded only a little. Then, he put the shoes down, pivoted to face her and pulled her down to his lap. Ruby giggled on her way down. “This ain’t no joke, is it?” he asked--eyes almost pleading. Ruby took his face in her hands. “No, it ain’t no joke.” He looked at the shoes and picked them up by the openings with his middle and index finger. “I’ll be damned.” He looked up at her again. 

“I’m gonna be somebody’s Pop?”

Ruby laughed and nodded. “Yes, Kylo. You’re about to be somebody’s Pop.” She pushed her forehead against his, and he held her jaw, pulling her in for a kiss.  “I’m losin’ my fuckin’ mind,” he said. Finally, he let out the heartiest laugh that ever fell upon Ruby’s ears. He pulled her close and kissed her once more, passing ever ounce of passion he had to her. And she received every bit of it.  “Bedroom,” she mumbled.  Kylo pushed the chair back and carried her through the dining room, and into the living room. He placed her on the couch. “I ain’t waitin’ that long.”  They tore at each other’s clothes until they were both naked.

_____________________

LATER

Eventually, Kylo and Ruby finished up their cold dinner and bathed together. She ironed some fresh clothes for him--just a pair of pants and a shirt. Then, he’d leave her for a night of overseeing business at The Garden Lounge. “You sure you don’t wanna come, Babydoll?” He stepped into his warm pants. “I’m sure, Sweetie. I’m a little tired now,” she said, running the hot metal against his shirt. “Gosh, honey,” Ruby said, her mind having drifted away. “Everything is gonna happen so fast. I still haven’t talked to Finn and Poe. I’m not going to be able to perform for months.” “Months?” Kylo asked. He sat on the bed beside his jacket, undershirt, and socks. He grabbed the latter and slipped them over his feet. “Yeah. When I start to show, and then for a little while after the baby is born...”

She lifted Kylo’s shirt and looked it over.  Kylo grabbed his undershirt and pulled it over his head. “You’re still gonna work after the baby’s born?” Ruby looked around the shirt at him. “Well, yeah, honey. Work doesn’t have to stop because we have a child.” She walked over to him and handed him the shirt.

“I just assumed that...”

She went to unplug the iron. “Assumed what?”  She put the iron on her dresser and closed the ironing board.  “I assumed you’d want to slow down on that life when we started havin’ kids,” he said, working on his shirt’s bottom button.  “I don’t know why you made that assumption...” Ruby carried the ironing board out of the room and to their linen closet. Kylo drew in a deep breath, and released it.  “I just think it’s better for a child if their mama is present. Wouldn’t you agree?” he asked. Ruby walked back toward the bedroom--her footsteps heavier than they were when she left. She stood in the doorway. “What makes you think I won’t be present? Both my parents worked and both of them were present, too.” Kylo buttoned the last button on his shirt. 

“But you went to work with your mom,” he said. “You were always with her. At least, that’s what you told me. You can’t take a kid to a saloon.”

He reached down and grabbed the shiny black shoes that sat inches away from his feet.  “Well, neither one of us can. But somehow you’ve decided that I’d be the only one taking our child anywhere...” Ruby said. She walked into the room and stopped to face him. “Besides, we have friends and family. I mean, Leia and Han are both dying to get their hands on some grandchildren. My parents, too...” “Leia and Han are dying to fix their fucking mistakes with grandchildren,” Kylo corrected.  Ruby shook her head and marched to her dresser. 

“Either way, Kylo. I’m not about to give up my career.” She began to wrap the cord of the iron. “And it sounds like you’re expecting me to be the only one taking care of our children, and that’s not gonna happen, either.” Kylo looked over his shoulder at her, then back down as he stuffed his foot into his shoe. Ruby continued. “We’re both gonna do the feeding, the changing, the burping--all of that shit.” “I didn’t say I wouldn’t do any of that.” He examined a small scuff mark on the toe of his shoe. “You implied it, though. You said it’s good for a child when their mama is present,” Ruby responded. She grabbed the rubber band she kept specifically for the iron cord and tied it around the bunched strands. 

“I can’t take a child into a saloon. What about you? You work in a saloon. It’s good when a child’s daddy is present, too. But you didn’t say shit about yourself.” She slammed the iron down on the dresser.

Kylo sighed, stood up, and ran his fingers through his hair. “We’ll talk about this later.” “There’s nothing else to talk about,” Ruby said. She carried the iron out of the bedroom. “Enjoy the fucking lounge.”

“Hey, look!” Kylo shouted from the room. “We can fuckin’ talk about this later but don’t start fuckin’ cursin’ at me like I’m some fuckin’ asshole in the street or somethin’.” Ruby flew back into the bedroom. 

“Shut up, Kylo.” She yanked her drawer open and pulled out her silk headscarf. “You curse at me all the fuckin’ time, and now you want to talk about language?”  She slammed the drawer closed and started tying the scarf around her head. “I just fuckin’ curse. I don’t curse at you. So, calm those fuckin’ milk-filled tits of yours down,” Kylo shot back.  Ruby tightened her scarf and glared at Kylo in the mirror. Her face softened and she laughed. Kylo shook his head, and started laughing, too.  “That’s why you were squeezing them so hard, to see if milk would start coming out?!” Ruby asked. Kylo started walking toward her.  “I couldn’t help myself, Doll...” He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck.  “That’s weird, Baby,” she said. “I just wanted to see what would happen,” he mumbled into her neck. Then, he ran a circle around her belly with his right hand. Ruby stared at their reflections. “I don’t want my kid to be fucked up like me,” he whispered.  “You’re not fucked up, Kylo,” she said. “And look, Sweetie...” Ruby turned her head to look up at Kylo. He looked down at her. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but can you go easy on your mom, please? She’s really trying to make things right with you.” Kylo averted her gaze and opted to look at their reflection. He added his second hand to her belly, then caught a glimpse of his scar. His eyes quickly fell down to Ruby’s belly; the silk nightgown she was wearing. He noticed the glow. She looked so radiant in his arms. He planted another kiss on her neck. “Get some rest, Babydoll...”  He removed his hands, kissed her cheek, and grabbed his jacket. Then, he walked out of the bedroom, leaving Ruby to look upon her glowing reflection. Glowing, but suddenly singular. Kylo’s scent and the remnants of his touch quickly dissipated from her senses... ____________________ “Hey, Sheev. It’s Kylo...” Kylo held the phone to his ear as Vic sat on the other side of the desk, smoking a cigar. Kuruk sat on the sofa, doing the same.  “Your offer is still on the table, right?” Kylo asked, the handset of his Western Electric suddenly feeling warm to his ear. “Good. I’d like to meet with you to discuss some details...” He rolled his eyes and nodded. “Yeah. I’m glad that you’re glad. But I want to come right out and mention the thing that’s suddenly got my interest. I hear you’ve got dealings with a few of the big recording companies. Any truth to that?” ____________________ TAG LIST @aloneandsleepless​ @tsarinastorm​ If you’d like to be tagged, leave a comment here, or on my official tag request post!

[buckskinblues]

There’s a thread about LGBT Western fans and entitlement that gave me a few things to think about but I wanted to make a separate post because what I wanted to comment on I didn’t really want to bother people in that thread with because it’s related to the topic but also sort of takes away from the point they were trying to make. I just feel it’d be rude to intrude on that conversation with the thoughts that I have.

If you’re scratching your head and wondering what the absolute hell the context for any of this is...it’s related to the anti-fujoshi people and their ilk and how touchy they are about representation and anything concerning LGBT content or depictions. If you’re still scratching your head then stay a sweet summer child.

Someone on that post mentioned something about how Western fans have a different cultural background and perspective (obviously, all cultures/places generally do) but how they thought that manifested I found...interesting. Because they made it seem like it was a dominate viewpoint rather than one of a loud minority. And how they said Westerners viewed LGBT content contradicted my own. It was, generally, that Western media often fetishizes LGBT people and the audience does as well so that most Western audiences when interacting with LGBT content will bring that baggage with them and assume content from other places/cultures does as well...which. There’s a lot to unpack there.

For starters? When I first discovered F/F and M/M content in manga form I didn’t immediately assume that it was just a spectacle for a straight audience. In fact I made no assumptions at all. It was just two girls or two guys and I just took it at face value. Talking to a lot of other people who discovered such content for the first time around the same age I did the attitude seemed generally more of “wow, this exists” and also “wow, gay people exist and have stories”. And I and many others treated it pretty much how we’d treat any other sort of romantic content (give or take hiding it from homophobic family members...and maybe also hiding that you’re into it because some of it was erotic in nature and you were too young to legally view porn).

I think people get the idea that commentor had from 1. the false idea that there’s this incredibly common trend of straight dudes who fetishize F/F, when...that isn’t true. It’s a demonization of men in the same way it would be (and is in this particular arena of discourse) a demonization of women who like M/M content. If you’re attracted to girls or boys then two of them together is even better and that’s not fetishization...especially if they’re fictional characters. We treat M/F romances on screen in much the same way but no one treats that as fetishization. The idea that a guy in a theater seeing girl on girl and fetishizing it is super common was a direct example from said commentor. But I’m in danger of going off on a tangent with this (I just think it’s a big double standard that’s never pointed out that often). 2. Most people don’t think foreign LGBT content is fetishizing anything. I would bet a lot it’s only a loud minority (antis and their ilk) that do. If I showed any number of people I know in real life a few panels from a BL manga then their response I’m willing to put money on would be “huh, this is two boys kissing” and then they’d wonder why I’m bothering them. The thing is most people don’t give enough of a shit to discuss it at length or write meta about it. You’re missing out on what a lot of the actual public think and how they view things because they aren’t part of the conversation in this instance and you can’t just act like their silence means they agree.

I don’t know it’s not like this is a planned out essay or anything but I hope I got my point across.

Anyway, I’m fucking tired of antis twisting the way people think Westerners (c’mon though I know you guys actually just meant Americans) view media or other cultures. In all these cases it’s usually other loud minorities basing their perspectives on things based off what another loud minority is doing. Antis screaming and Anitweeter being basement dwellers isn’t reflective of anything but themselves. You all should be smart enough by now to know that.

[your-iron-lung]

Can u do a fic with both 12and40 for Harringrove?

combining this one with another ask i got for 41, so, this fulfills three total!

12. “Don’t you trust me?”40. “I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you.”41. “Don’t be afraid.”

wordcount: 1483

(ty for the prompts!)

***

The road trip had been Steve’s idea; to leave their cat and apartment behind for a few weeks so they could drive out to California in Billy’s old Camaro to celebrate their two year anniversary had seemed like a great idea when he’d thought about it.

And so far, it had been.

Playing shitty car games to pass the time as they drove past rolling sceneries, visiting landmarks they didn’t care about just for the hell of it, stopping at obvious tourist traps together to mock the idiotic displays and even pulling off to the side of the road that one time to watch a tornado as it spiraled in the distance, sitting on the hood of the car to watch it move as they’d driven through Kansas- it was all so perfect. It felt like they’d grown closer in the weeks they’d spent traveling, and it was all so much better than any physical gift Steve could have ever offered up for the occasion.

And then there was Billy: beautiful, radiant, and sublime. Driving with the windows down, letting his hair blow wild in the wind as he sped along the back roads they’d elected to take, comfortable behind the wheel of his own car. Free at last from the constraints of a home life that had been too cruel to him, finally making the journey back to his origins.

It was better than Steve could have ever planned for.

They were part way through Colorado, the mid-western sun slowly descending against the backdrop of mountains they were steadily winding through when Steve said it.

“I love you.”

Billy’s profile, handsome and regal beyond compare, illuminated by the sunset, suddenly turned to look at him.  Steve smiled, pleased that he was finally able to say what he’d been feeling for so long, but Billy looked stricken. His face contorted, a mixture of emotions crossing his face that floundered between being upset and angry.  

Steve’s self-satisfied smile fell away.

“What?” Billy asked, voice strained as his grip on the wheel tightened. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

That old anger they’d been working on tamping down together surfaced quickly. Billy kept turning his head to glance at the road and back to Steve, waiting for him to explain himself, but Steve couldn’t understand what the problem was.

“I… said I love you?”

Billy held his gaze for one long, hard second, his nostrils flaring as his breathing became steadily more erratic.

“Look, Billy, calm down, it’s not a big deal-” Steve started to say, but was cut off when Billy swerved hard enough that his seat belt locked up and cut off his words. A jolt of fear passed through him as Billy ran the Camaro off the road, pulling off to the shoulder to come to a hard stop that again had Steve’s chest straining against the seat belt’s restraint.

“What the fuck, Billy?!” Steve shouted once the dust had settled, trying to unclip the buckle to relieve the pressure. “We’re driving through a fucking mountain range, you can’t be doing shit like that!”

He tore his seat belt off, slinging it to the side so hard the metal buckle clinked loudly against the window as it wound itself back up. Steve ran a shaky hand through his hair, oblivious to the way Billy himself was shaking.

It’d been a long time since Billy had had an outburst like that, and the fact that he’d had one over something Steve had felt so right in finally saying was hurtful. He didn’t understand the anger.

“Why did you say that?” Billy asked after a moment. His voice was tense and hard, his gaze fixed firmly forward.

“Because I do?” Steve took a deep breath and sat back in his seat. He listened to the sound of other cars passing them on the highway and tried to calm down, running his hand through his hair again. “I said I loved you and you acted like I’d killed the cat or something!”

“Leave Mr. Sparkles out of this,” Billy said sharply. His knuckles were white as they gripped the steering wheel, Steve noticed. His arms were trembling.

“What is this?” Steve asked, lowering his voice out of concern. “What’s going on?”

Billy shook his head instead of replying, uncurling his fingers from around the wheel after a moment. He sniffed hard, and Steve realized he’d begun to cry.

“What, don’t you trust me enough to talk about it?” Steve asked, reaching out to take hold of Billy’s arm supportively. “C’mon, Billy, tell me what’s on your mind; don’t be afraid to tell me what you’re thinking.”

Billy shook his head again and directed his gaze out the window, towards the sun that had very nearly finished in its descent. The bright orange overtones that had brought out the colour in Billy’s hair were steadily being replaced by darker hues of blue. Billy wiped his nose on the back of his hand and took a deep, shuddery breath. He clicked his tongue, tried to speak, but couldn’t. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“What is this trip really about, Harrington?” he asked, his voice breaking over the words like an ocean wave across the shore.

“What?”

“You wanna bring me out to Cali to what, fuck with me? Bring me all the way home just to leave me or some shit?”

He shrugged out of Steve’s grip, sullenly turning to look at Steve. There was anger in his red-rimmed eyes; anger and distrust.

“Okay,” Steve began to say, lowering his hand and for all the world looking like he’d just been told he only had three days left to live, “I don’t know how you got that from me saying I love you, but that’s not at all what this trip is about? Why would you even think that? We have a cat together; I’m not about to put Mr. Sparkles through that kind of emotional strain.”

He smiled a little bit, hoping to raise one out of Billy as well but his lips remained fixed in a stubborn, downturned frown.

“Billy, I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you, alright? There’s something deeper going on here with you that I think you need to get out before you start making those kinds of sadistic assumptions about me. I would never do something like that to you.”

The anger harbored in his bright blue eyes slowly ebbed away until there was nothing left but vulnerability. The tenseness in his shoulders dropped and he slouched back in his seat, defeated.

“The last person who said they loved me was my mom,” Billy admitted eventually. His voice was haggard and low, and Steve finally understood where his hurt and anger was coming from. “And she left me, so I guess, why wouldn’t you?” Thin lines of tears leaked from his eyes, trailing down the sides of his face. “You just took me by surprise, Harrington, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, and leaned over between the seats to try and grab Billy in an awkward hug. Billy let himself be pulled into it, and weakly reached his arms around to hold Steve in return. “I’m sorry you got so little love in your life that this had to be your first response.”

Billy choked on a sob.

“We’re going to Cali to get closure, Billy. I’m not taking you out there for a reenactment.”

Steve felt Billy shudder in his arms before he eventually pulled back, sniffling hard and wiping his eyes. He sighed shakily once he’d regained some semblance of composure and sat in his seat looking small and apologetic.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a minute. “I didn’t mean to think- Fuck, I mean, look, Harrington, it’s hard for me to say shit like that but- God. Fuck. I-”

“It’s okay; I don’t need to hear it to know you do,” Steve filled in for him. Billy looked relieved. “Anyway, sun went down, so it’s my turn to drive. Move over Hargrove, Peace needs her real daddy behind the wheel.”

Billy groaned loudly but broke out into a smile.

“We never agreed to name her ‘Peace’, asshole,” he said as he undid his seat belt and got ready to make the swap.

“C’mon, it’s right there on her license plate- she practically named herself! ‘P-C-E’, Peace!”

“That came from the DMV, she had no say in what she got,” Billy scoffed, stepping out of the car.

“Well,” Steve began as he opened the car door and stepped out into the cool Colorado air, “that’s just too damn bad. You got to name Mr. Sparkles, so I get ‘Peace’.”

Billy rolled his eyes as they met at the hood. Steve grinned and went in for a kiss, placing his lips to Billy’s with a quickly murmured ‘love you’ before they re-entered the car and continued on their way.

[ladyofpurple]

answer all of the questions!!

holy SHIT ok bless you omg

(sorry it's a full day late i took this shit SERIOUSLY. don't ask me how many hours this took, i was in A Mood™️ last night. removed the ones already answered xoxo)

angel; have you ever been in love?

yeah. didn't end too well, but i loved him.

petal; favorite novel and author?

this is like asking me to pick a favorite child. i guess favorite author would be stephen king, if only based entirely on the sheer quantity of his books i own alone. favorite book would probably be special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl, and i'm only saying that because it's been my go-to response for years. i have lots of favorite books. ask me again in five minutes and i'll give you another one.

honey perfume; favorite perfume/scent?

freshly made coffee. lilacs. jasmine. cut grass. the ground after it rains. chocolate chip cookies in the oven. cigarette smoke on skin. my mom's shampoo. my grandma. my dog when he's just had a bath. thanksgiving dinner. acrylic paint on canvas. sawdust. that one cologne i can't name but can smell on a guy from a mile away. mulled cranberry and apple juice. vanilla. coconut. fresh laundry. peppermint.

sweet pea; what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, pisces moon, scorpio rising ✨

softie; talk about your sexuality.

i'm biromantic asexual, primarily attracted to men more than women (but have had too many crushes on girls to consider myself het), generally sex repulsed when it comes to the thought of having it myself. i prefer to call myself queer in passing conversation, it's easier than explaining asexuality and the differences between sexual and romantic attraction. if someone asks more specifically, i'll usually just call myself bi for simplicity's sake, even though the ace part is a much more important (to me) part of my identity. monogamous as fuck.

i'm still struggling with internalized homophobia and a lot of "am i even queer enough" thoughts, which is super fun. took me a long time to even consider the fact that i might like girls at all. i'll probably never come out to my parents. not that they'd, like, disown me or whatever, but they're juuuuust homophobic/transphobic enough that my few attempts to educate them when they say something A Little Yikes have shown me that i should probably just stay in the closet unless i absolutely have to come out. like i'm getting married to a woman or something.

sugarplum; what’s the color of your eyes and hair?

i usually say my eyes are green because it's easier, and they mostly are, but i have rings of greyish blue around the irises and sometimes they're more hazel in the middle. they always have a green tint to them though, even if the intensity of the green varies.

my natural hair is brown, a little on the darker and slightly ashy side of completely generic. currently a former blonde, although i'm hoping to bleach my fucking YEAR of growout soon, and then go some crazy color as a last hurrah before i have to go dark again. being broke fucking sucks.

wings; coffee or tea?

tea!! black tea. chai, to be specific, with an irresponsible amount of milk and sugar. chai lattes are a fucking drug okay? coffee makes me sick (not a judgement, a literal fact. last time i tried some i threw up).

fairytale; are you a cat or dog person?

cat!! but my family has a chihuahua named sonny and you can pry that little monster from my cold dead hands ok i will fight you.

snowflake; favorite time period?

okay, i wrote and rewrote my answer to this about 10 times. then i tried to divide it up into categories (aesthetics, history, fashion, vibes, geographical location, etc), but that didn't help. so basically: i don't have one, because i have too many.

i like the american 20s-60s for the aesthetic, music/movies, and the fashion. i also like the european 1600s-1800s for the interesting history and also vibe. i love the french and russian revolutions — the fashion! the art! the wars and political upheaval! I FUCKING LOVE HISTORY. then, of course, we can't forget the rennaisance. or the witch trials (pick your continent). and ancient greece? the roman empire? hello?? did i mention empires? how bout we mosy on over to south america — can i interest you in the mayans? incans? aztecs? what about china and japan? korea? vietnam? and don't even get me fucking STARTED on the black plague.

ancient egypt? sign me the FUCK UP. vikings? yes please. the celts? oh boy. the MYTHOLOGY. the ARCHITECTURE. the LANGUAGES and POLITICS and LITERATURE and REVOLUTIONS and GOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ANY OF THESE

i uh. might have gotten a little excited. basically i like history a lot. and mythology. and linguistics. and cultural practices. and the politics and prejudices behind wars and stuff. and learning in general. moving on.

vanilla; do you believe in ghosts?

let's put it this way: i don't not believe in ghosts??

listen. we don't know jack shit. we don't know what happens after we die, there are constant scientific revelations that turn our understanding of the universe completely upside-down, and there is literally no way to know which religions or myths or urban legends could have some grain of truth to them. like, dude, i've literally thought i was haunted before. psychology is bananas and the universe is infinite.

demons could be real. ghosts could be real. what if we just haven't invented the necessary technology to prove it yet? what if we never do, and they just fuck around alongside us, moving furniture and making shadow puppets on the walls just for kicks until the earth explodes? what if that one tumblr post was right and ghosts are actually real people from alternate universes or timelines that we see accidentally bc some cosmic wires got crossed? who fucking knows.

i love horror movies and scary stories and ghost hunter shows just as much as the next gal. but listen. psychics? mediums? people who accept every single creepypasta retold third-hand from their neighbor's kid's classmate's second cousin who "totally knows a guy"? doubt.jpeg

i don't understand the sheer amount of assumptions made willy-nilly about the nature of ghosts and demons and things that go bump in the night. the assumption that "oh this machine that totally doesn't look like a coathanger taped to a walkman will work because ghosts have this temperature and can always communicate like this and are electromagnetic" or whatever just baffles me. to a certain degree, following a general consensus is one thing — some basic things everyone can agree on? that's cool. ghosts can walk through walls and are probably dead people or whatever. but oh my god, taking every single story as absolute, undeniable proof?? taking these stories and expanding on them to infer intentions and scientific facts to something that by it's very nature is unknowable and assuming, like, every spirit is created equal?? and yeah, ghost hunting shows are fun and campy and kinda creepy but like. you really, genuinely don't think any of them have ever faked anything at all??? even if ghosts are real, it's fucking reality tv, my dude. it's the entertainment industry. at least maintain the slightest ounce of critical thought before taking zak bagans' word as the goddamn gospel.

and sidenote, maybe it's just my limited exposure as a white woman in the western world, but of all the shows and podcasts and movies and documentaries and whatnot i've been able to find and consume, there's the constant use of christian ideology applied to every situation that just really burns my bacon. what, there's never been an atheist ghost? if you see a shadow person and you don't know the lord's prayer by heart, are you automatically fucked? why are there never stories about, i don't know, viking ghosts? does your religion in life preclude you from becoming a ghost in the first place? is that why people never mention buddhist ghosts? i don't get it, and that's why even though i'm self-admittedly the most superstitious person i've ever met, true believers make me roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out. makes me come across as more skeptical than i theoretically am. I HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OK

but like, you couldn't pay me to fuck with a ouija board. i'm not stupid.

delicate; diamonds or pearls?

both have their appeal and their place, but diamonds, i guess. i like the sparkle. but fake ones!! or synthetic. diamonds are overpriced and artificial scarcity is a scam and i don't need a dumb rock that some poor person in a mine somewhere was exploited and possibly died for. no blood diamonds in this house, thank you very much.

if i ever get engaged, i don't want a diamond ring. i'd want something cool, a little unusual, like a ruby or a sapphire or some other sparkly gem that isn't literally shoved in your face every waking moment as the expected standard symbol of True Love. they're cheaper, they're cool-looking, as a ring they still hold the cultural symbolism of an engagement/wedding ring. and honestly, as long as it's well-made and durable, whatever hypothetical gem it is doesn't have to be real either. i'm a woman of simple needs and demonstrably low standards. no point in going into debt for a fucking piece of jewelry, regardless of ~tradition~.

lavender dream; favorite album?

oh lord. welcome to the black parade, i guess. or anything by panic! at the disco. there are dozens of possible options — my interests are mercurial and my memory is garbage. but i'll always be an emo little shit. black parade and vices and virtues were also the first two albums i ever listened to where i loved every single song on them, and i happened to listen to them for the first time at around the same point in my life (i got into mcr super late. like, 2012 late. rip).

silky; what’s your biggest dream?

it's cheesy but i guess i just want stability and, by extension, happiness. emotional stability, mental stability, financial stability, stable living situation, stable routines, stable relationships... you get the idea. i have ambitions and passions, of course, but my ultimate goal is happiness at this point in my life, and i'm pretty sure stabilizing all those things would go a pretty long way in achieving that goal.

a little apartment with walls i can paint because white walls make me angry. bookshelves and posters and fandom merch on every wall. a computer i can actually play games on again, and somewhere i can paint and draw and record my podcasts. someone who loves me, maybe. a cat, if i'm stable enough. space for people to come visit me, and a place for them to sleep if they need. a tiny balcony, if i really want to shoot for the stars. a job i don't hate. the spoons to hang out with my friends, and the money to not worry about buying little presents for the people i care about sometimes. i don't need much.

strawberry kiss; do you have a crush right now?

nope.

glitter; favorite fictional character?

another loaded question. like books, if you ask me again in five minutes i'll probably give you a different answer. but in this particular moment, caleb and jester from critical role (please don't make me choose between them). i won't go full shipping mode rn, but jester is so funny and silly and sweet, so much more complex than she seems, and she tries so hard to make everyone happy even when she's so sad inside. the healer who treats healing as an inconvenience in battle (she's so fucking valid and also mood), the glue that keeps the party together. and caleb learning to trust again, facing his trauma and coming out of his shell. he loves his friends so much he plays wizard as a support class and i love him so much.

i love the mighty nein in general, of course, and all the guests/honorary members they've had. pumat!! pls don't be evil reani!! keg!! shakäste and grand duchess anastasia!! cali!! kiri!!!! the brotps! empire siblings! chaos crew! nott the best detective agency! i still love molly and all his assholery to bits (fight me), and mourn his lost potential. i adore yasha, even when she's gone; fjord has grown so much; beau and nott and caduceus — i love all their flaws and disagreements and their character arcs and the excitement of watching them grow and learn. but if i had to choose, caleb, jester and molly have always been my top 3 since day 1 and, well, molly isn't really an option anymore.

but like i said, ask me again in a minute. i have a fucking list.

swan; share a quote or passage that means something to you.

a collection of things off the top of my head:

Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition. — Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

a tired feminist Mood™️

"What I say is, a town isn't a town without a bookstore. It may call itself a town, but unless it's got a bookstore, it knows it's not foolin' a soul." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

i got my love of books from my grandma — some of my favorites i got from her. sometimes, as a treat, she used to take my sister and i to bookstores and we'd stay there for ages, getting to pick one out, roaming the shelves, the mental torture of having to choose. the peace of being surrounded by thousands of potential worlds, so much information, so many stories just waiting to be told; being surrounded by strangers who share that same wonder. the anxious drive home so we could read them, being unable to wait that long so i inevitably start reading in the car and make myself sick. telling her in excited detail all my favorite parts. if we were lucky, maybe we got to split a bear claw, or she'd drive past starbucks and get us something there too (tall vanilla soy steamer with one pump of vanilla syrup, whipped cream on top that always melted too quickly and squirted out the hole in the lid, so hot it burned my tongue but so good i didn't care). i have never felt more at home than i do when i'm surrounded by books.

"There are a lot of different types of freedom. We talk about freedom the same way we talk about art, like it was a statement of quality rather than a description. “Art” doesn’t mean good or bad. Art just means art. It can be terrible and still be art. Freedom can be good or bad, too. There can be terrible freedom. You freed me, and I didn’t ask you to." — Alice Isn't Dead, season 1, chapter 2: Alice

as cringey as it is to admit it, this line made me cry a lot after my breakup.

"So you aren't American?" asked Shadow.

"Nobody's American," said Wednesday. "Not originally. That's my point." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

[side-eyes white america real hard]

there's more, of course. there's always more. don't even get me started on song lyrics, we'll be here all day.

lace; what’s your favorite plant/flower?

lilacs and roses.

mermaid; do you prefer the forest or the ocean? why?

both, i guess. but in different ways, and in different circumstances.

the sea is wild. it is endless and deep and unknowable. it is beautiful and dangerous. i am terrified of the ocean, and yet my favorite place in the world is an empty beach on the oregon coast. i have picked sand from between my toes for days with hair crusted in salt, danced around bonfires and watched the stars while marshmallows burn, gotten pulled under the waves as a child and nearly swept out to sea. picked starfish and crabs from small pools in the rocks, and swum (accidentally) with wild sea lions. in a long skirt, too early in the year to be swimming, i once took off my shoes and waded fully clothed into the water to my waist and just... danced. splashed and kicked and laughed with a boy i barely knew until our throats were sore and our toes were numb, walking home hours later with our soaked clothes clinging to our legs, shoes squelching, dripping algae as we went. the ocean is freeing and overwhelming all at once. i love it and am petrified by it in equal measure.

the forest is beautiful in a different way. it is silent and dense and serene. you are surrounded by life and yet, somehow, completely alone. there is magic in the forest, and history, and even when all else dies, that will remain. the trees grow from the corpses of their ancestors, and some have lived dozens of our lifetimes — with luck, a few dozen more. it is quiet there, peaceful, even the tiniest wood in the middle of a city muffling the outside world through the trees. you can feel the ancient ways deep in your soul as you follow winding paths strewn with fallen leaves, the mystery and wonder and superstitions of your forefathers. you wonder what it would be like, to run your fingers over the moss, to take off your shoes and socks and just run, leaping and dancing over rocks and roots, hair wild and air filling your lungs in deep, pure gulps as you shed the responsibilities and struggles of modern life, for just a moment remembering what freedom tastes like. it is primal, this connection to nature, one we have nearly forgotten over time. and as the sky grows dark and the silence of night presses against you, shadows looming, every footfall deafening, perhaps you begin to understand why some believed in monsters.

honeymoon; do you keep a journal?

i used to. honestly, that's a good idea, i should start doing that again. lord knows i have enough empty journal-type books.

starlight; do you believe in love at first sight and soulmates? why/why not?

i want to. i want to believe there's someone out there for me, the love of my life, someone to whom i'll be the love of their life, and that when i meet them i'll just... know.

but when i met my ex, i didn't really look twice at him for a while — no love at first sight. and when we were together, when i loved him and he swore he loved me back, i thought he hung the stars in the sky and knew i would marry him someday. couldn't even consider the idea that that wouldn't happen. and then when he broke up with me, he ghosted me so suddenly and thoroughly that he even preemptively cut contact with every single one of our mutual friends he thought might side with me in the breakup, before anybody even knew we'd had a fight. so, not soulmates either.

i really want to believe that someday the perfect romance will just fall into place and i can have the happily ever after i've always dreamed of. but the reality is i might never even have another s.o. for the rest of my life. maybe i'll get hit by a car tomorrow, or my hypothetical soulmate moves to argentina to become an alpaca farmer on a mountain somewhere and we never even meet. maybe i'm so traumatized by the betrayal and lies that i'll never have the courage to even try again.

and even so, happily ever after doesn't have to include a fairytale romance, regardless of whether i want it or not. i still like to cling to that hope though, deep down.

princess; what do you value most in people?

i'm going to assume you mean "real people" as in people i have positive relationships with, and not random strangers on the street.

loyalty. kindness. support. humor. similar values. patience. being able to grow together and teach each other things, so we can make each other better. honesty. trust. compassion. confidence. emotional vulnerability. communication. intelligence, or at least a willingness to learn. strength.

[juupajaa]

🥀Suffering phase:

Ah man this is gonna suck. I hate this. Just feck everything about this stage. This is where it just turns so dark and brutal that there’s nothing that can make it work. I hope it’s at least informative and reaffirming. This might get heavy so read when you feel you’re ready.

So one day you wake up and go to engage in your disordered behaviour, but for some reason it didn’t really make you feel any special way. You don’t think too much of it yet. You try again later, but still you don’t get that good feeling from it. You do it again, and again, but it’s just not doing it for you anymore. I’m sorry to say this, but honeymoon is over.

Ok so here’s where eds and de split. I’m gonna go through de route first, since this is pretty much where de stops. 

Some with disordered eating might recover right now. If your quality of life has improved, seeing your coping mechanism not work anymore can turn you back and make you run back to real life. For example, let’s say you started to use de to cope with pressure from school/work/hobbies. The pressure has now eased up and you don’t need to deal with it anymore. Your disordered eating isn’t needed and you can phase out of it in a short period of time and best case scenario, you never go back.

For other’s the situation hasn’t improved, they’re still at a bad place and can’t deal with the shit that’s going on in their life, so the disordered eating stays, despite it not helping anymore. Some might wallow in a state of not really getting worse or better, which can be extremely distressing since there is never any improvement or relief. Other’s might get into a cycle where their disordered eating perks up every now and then when they feel negative emotions, and sometimes is backs off and leaves when things get a bit easier for a while. 

The thing about disordered eating is that it doesn’t solve your problem, so there might be pressure to try harder to engage in disordered behaviour, which can lead to your de turning into an ed. I’d like to point out that de is getting more and more common in western/modern society. Some things that probably have contributed to this are sugar addiction, high accessibility of already prepared food, and snacking instead of eating regular meals, but I didn’t check any of that so don’t take that as anything but my own ramblings. Here are some examples of what disordered eating is like and how to differentiate it from a full blown ed:

experiencing anxiety about food/nutrition/your body on the daily basis (eds have this too)

disordered behaviour, for example, restricting, purging, binging, obsessing over nutrition, other abnormal eating habits (eds have this too)

 being able to take part in meals with others and act out normal behaviour most of the time, despite the extreme discomfort from the disordered thoughts (in eds, this ability is fading or completely removed)

being able to do things that go against your disordered thoughts most of the time, despite feeling extremely terrible about it (in eds, going against the disorder becomes near impossible)

being able to “switch it off” when needed, for example in order to keep it secret or to “take it easier for a bit” (in eds, there is no off switch, the disordered thoughts are constant and there’s no way around them)

being able to go on for long periods of time without really having that many disordered thoughts or without letting them bother you and hinder whatever you’re doing at the time (in eds, the disordered thoughts are intrusive, overwhelming, and they prevent you from doing unrelated things constantly)

I know this can be hard to hear for some, since the need and desire to get a full blown ed can be extremely strong. There’s no shame in that and I’ll tell you why. Your de isn’t helping you cope anymore and your life is overwhelming. Thanks to that bitch honeymoon phase, you know for a fact that this can help you feel better. The problem is however that it won’t help you, but you don’t have a lot of options, since you don’t know how to cope with your situation. The assumption is that you need to get even “better” at your thing in order to cope better again. It makes perfect sense, so don’t feel stupid for wanting for it to get even worse. For some it does, for other’s it don’t and we don’t know what exactly is that thing that makes the difference, but we all need help and new, better coping mechanisms, no matter if it’s de or a full blown ed we deal with. Disordered eating can be dangerous too and the discomfort alone is enough to start affecting you negatively. Further down I have written a list of stuff that you might experience from having disordered thoughts and engaging in disordered behaviour and a lot of what I will write about eds can ring familiar to you too. I’m not gonna talk more about disordered eating, but if you feel like you have it, I recommend looking more into it in order to understand it better.

So now let’s talk about eds. Ok so let’s say one day you get up to do something you were planning on doing, but suddenly you realize, you can’t do it. Your de prohibits you from doing something you wanted to do. And then it happens again. And again.

And AgAiN anD aGaiN. 

You’re out of the honeymoon and your ed has fully formed. The difference between an ed and de is the frequency and intensity of your obsession with food/your body. It’s starting to take up hours upon hours of your day to do everything that your ed asks you to do and the pain, sacrifices, shame and guilt, are just barely worth the tiny bit of relief you get when you perform your disordered behaviour. 

So by now some of you are getting malnourished. Now, being malnourished doesn’t mean you’re underweight, nor does it mean you haven’t eaten in two days. Being malnourished means you haven’t been getting proper nutrition in months. This can be because you don’t get enough calories in, you purge too much of your intake, or you are eating foods that don’t provide you with enough nutrition, such as eating only one or few things or not eating enough of something specific. You can be malnourished at any weight and you can be malnourished even if you eat multiple times a day or have some “good days” in between. Here’s what being malnourished might feel like:

You’re in a whole another world. It feels like other people aren’t even in the same universe as you

It can feel like everything’s a bit slow, even if days go by quickly, colours aren’t quite as bright as they used to be and sounds seem muted

Your work memory is so minimal that you’re having trouble getting through basic tasks without stopping to think about what you’re doing

You feel exhausted all the time, there’s no point in talking or doing anything, you just want to go lie down and even then you don’t feel like you’re resting

You’re either irritable or apathetic, rarely anything else

Even something as small as reaching for something feels like a task

You’re having trouble communicating your point to others and your point seems lost on yourself too

You’re having trouble following conversations and sometimes it feels like people are speaking gibberish and not real words at all.

Being malnourished is not fun, that I can tell you. It can sound similar to depression and those two usually go hand in hand. A lot of people with eds also have anxiety or depression and as we have already established earlier, other mental disorders play a part in your ed as well and equally, your ed might be making your other disorders worse.

Getting malnourished isn’t a requirement for an ed (or de) by no means and even if you aren’t malnourished, there are several physical symptoms you might get from the mere strain of having an ed (or de). Eds (and de) cause a lot of physical instability in your body, since your eating is disordered and you experience anxiety and stress over food/your body. Here are some physical symptoms you might experience from the continued stress alone (but trust me you probably are also malnourished):

digestive problems (constipation, diarrhea, bloating)

headaches, clenched teeth/tight jaw, neck and shoulder pains

hair loss, brittle nails, dry or irritated skin, dry mouth, bad breath despite dental hygiene

heart palpitations, a sudden sinking feeling in your chest

numbness in your limbs/shoulders, pain or weakness in your joints

excessive sweating, cold sweats, shaking/shivering for no apparent reason

irritability, fatigue, exhaustion, difficult to focus

insomnia or other sleep problems (too much, too little, not waking up feeling rested despite getting a good amount of hours in)

weakened immune system

So let’s talk about this stage itself, since we’ve been rambling about pretty much everything else. Suffering phase is pretty much what it sounds like. You’re just suffering. You’re not getting worse and worse and everything just kind of rots around you. You might be losing friends or hobbies, since your ed is making you avoid a lot of situations. You’re becoming isolated and you can’t really talk to anyone out of the fear they might intervene with your behaviour. Most of your day, if not every minute of it, is consumed by your ed and you have to keep on doing what you do, just to feel little less horrible. Here are some thoughts and feelings you might experience:

apathy over the loss of your other hobbies/interests/friends

increasing loneliness and isolation, yet you don’t want anyone to get close either

feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt about yourself

disinterest in others, such as your friends, family, significant other

overwhelming and all-consuming disordered thoughts that get mixed into every situation, no matter if food is involved or not, making it impossible to focus on anything else most of the time

difficulty do handle anything unexpected or just mildly inconvenient without having to resort to your disordered behaviour for comfort

increasing fear, anxiety and discomfort

Suffering phase doesn’t have a time limit. It can go on forever. Some people die here, some keep coming back over and over again on endless repeat. Those with chronic eds stay here for years upon years. This is such a dark and miserable stage and while you’re in it, you might be so lost you don’t even realize to feel sadness for it. It can feel like there is no way out, there’s no way for you to ever recover, you don’t even want to recover, let alone try. I know it can feel like this is what you deserve and this is just how things are, but trust me, there is more stages to eds. It doesn’t have to end here. 

The next stage is just around the corner, you just gotta start eyeing it. It is so hard to shake anyone out of this phase and we all know by now that the will to recover has to come from the inside. You’ve got to start hoping for something better. I know for a fact that you can still get a new start and there’s a reset button a little further down the road. Just please, start thinking about things you’d like to do. Places you’d like to go. People you’d like to meet and the person you want to be. Whatever these things are, think about them and try to get that spark of hope going.

[tainbocuailnge]

The fandom you're in looks really awesome, and the reason I followed you is it the cooler that comes with it, but I have no idea what it's about or what the actual game is? Is there a place I can go to kind of find out and maybe play myself? (You're so passionate about it that I'm starting to get really curious but google is my enemy)

I’m GUESSING you mean fate series cause that’s my number one thing I do not shut up about. it’s uhh kind of a spiraling mess of a series but most installments are standalone enough for it to not be a complete hell to get into, but also I’m glad you asked because getting in without help is definitely hell

fate started with the visual novel fate/stay night, written by kinoko nasu and released in 2004. as such that’s the best starting point in my opinion, because it features all the detailed worldbuilding groundwork that later installments kind of gloss over so it can be hard to go back to if you already know all that from other installments. the plot is that seven magi summon legendary heroes to fight for them in a ritual war, with the prize being the holy grail which can grant any wish. leading themes are what it means to be a hero and save someone, the way history repeats itself, and forming your own identity in the wake of trauma. it has three routes, the last of which especially has really heavy themes of physical emotional and sexual abuse so if you need detailed content warnings pm me and I’ll do my best

fsn has several releases, the original vn features infamously bad erotica but there’s a rerelease called fate/stay night [realta nua] which replaced those scenes with pg-15 content and also tightened the visuals up a bit. I’ve got downloads for both versions here. it’s like 80 hours of vn so that’s quite the investment but there’s also the anime fate/stay night [unlimited blade works] featuring the second route, and the third route is getting a series of movies the first of which is out too, called heaven’s feel - presage flower. fate route (the first route) sort of got an anime in 2006 and unlimited blade works a movie in 2010 but those are really really bad so look for the 2014 anime and 2017 movie. imo the ubw anime did a decent job and heaven’s feel is doing pretty good too so far so they’re good for seeing if you like what the series has to offer before you dive into a long ass vn.

the prequel to fate/stay night is fate/zero, a light novel series written by gen urobuchi in collaboration with nasu. as such it’s notably darker than the rest of the series but by nature of being a prequel it makes for an equally decent starting point as stay night, since both will spoil things for the other. fate/zero has an anime too. 

imo stay night and zero are the ‘standard’ fate installments, if someone says they like fate you can safely assume they’ve consumed at least one of those - is what I used to say but apparently it’s been so long that even this isn’t a reasonable assumption anymore. oh how times have changed. anyway please do start with zero or stay night cause like I said those are earlier installments so they’re at high risk of falling flat if you already know the deep lore from later stuff.

the biggest most booming fate installment is fate/grand order, a mobile game featuring characters from all other fates as well as a lot of newcomers. it’s pretty newbie friendly in terms of lore I think but you’ll get more out of it if you do know the background for all these characters since character development tends to carry over between installments. it’s infamously story heavy for a mobile game, especially in the later chapters when nasu got the hang of writing for mobage. the tone is also notably different from fsn and fz in that it’s more…. grandiose and theatrical, and obviously it waifs everyone up a bit so they can get you to spend money. still good tho. still love it. it’s got two anime specials, first order and moonlight lostroom, but first order makes no damn sense if you don’t know anything of stay night and lostroom takes place after the events of the first fgo arc. there’s anime projects of two of the chapters in progress too.

you thought that was all? you’re a fool this isn’t even half of it but I’ll briefly go over the rest under a cut cause those 3 are the big players.

carnival phantasm is a comedy OVA series featuring skits about several works from the same author. about half of it is about fate and the other about tsukihime, an earlier visual novel. watching order is after stay night. today’s menu for the emiya family is the canon domestic fsn au manga and anime where everyone’s just chilling eating dinner together instead of killing each other. 

fate/hollow ataraxia is another visual novel. it’s a direct sequel to fate/stay night and a personal favourite. it takes place half a year after stay night and features much of the same themes, but from a pair of characters who lost the war in fsn before it even started.

fate/apocrypha is another series of light novels. in terms of reading order i’d put it after stay night and zero. it features a cast twice as big as those two and basically approaches the same themes from a different angle. it’s got a finished anime and an ongoing manga but the anime kinda butchered pretty much everything about it. unfortunately one of the light novels is still not translated so the anime is still the most accessible way to get approximately the whole story. the manga IS very good though so once that’s finished I’d probably tell people to read that one if they want to apocrypha

fate/EXTRA is a psp game it’s like 10 bucks in the ps store iirc. for reading order I’d put it after stay night but not necessarily after zero. in this one the ritual for the holy grail is held in a simulation on the moon, which is a supercomputer, and it’s an organised tournament with 128 participants instead of a 7 man free for all. it’s about forging meaningful bonds in a system designed to drive people apart and finding the drive to keep going even if nothing is certain. the gameplay isn’t great but the story is $$$ it’s my other personal favourite. it’s sequel is called fate/EXTRA CCC, it’s on psp too but never got a western release, but there’s a translation of one route out there and some madmen are working on a translation patch that’ll be done in time for my grandchildren I hope. CCC is the wildest ride of my life i love it a lot but it’s very horny so not really for everyone. fate/extra CCC fox tail is a manga which follows an alternate CCC route and i hear it’s cool. the sequel to CCC is fate/EXTELLA which did come to the west and is on several platforms, and somewhere next year fate/EXTELLA link should get localised. extella is very rushed and mostly expands the extraverse world but if you can grab it on sale after you decided you like extra it’s not a bad buy just don’t pay full price. fate/EXTRA last encore is an anime which. sort of comes after extra? it’s very trippy arthouse bullshit and I ate that shit up but it’s definitely not for everyone. the last 3 episodes are missing on netflix so make sure you don’t miss those if you decide to watch.

fate/kaleid liner PRISMA ☆ ILLYA is a magical girl spinoff manga & anime which sounds great in theory until you see it’s mostly pedobait, but extremely unfortunately for us sometimes it does something legitimately cool so we all suffer. don’t get into prillya it’s bad for your health. 

fate/strange fake WAS an aprils fools story but this series has no limits so now it’s a full on light novel spinoff and also manga I think? I don’t keep up with it but it throws some wild ass lore our way sometimes. you’ll probably want to be up to date with apocrypha and everything before it before you try this one.

fate/prototype was just the original concept for fsn extrapolated a bit upon but again this series has no limits. prototype has an animated feature and some material books, and then the light novels fate/prototype fragments of blue and silver are the prequel to prototype, but it’s weird cause we never got a proper prototype so I don’t know what’s up with that. fate/labyrinth is a side story to fragments which I know even less about. I actually never see anyone talk about prototype so there’s probably no translations lol

lord el melloi II case files is even more light novels. I’m pretty sure you need to have gone over stay night, zero, hollow ataraxia, apocrypha, and strange fake before this one starts to make sense. there might be translations? i don’t know a fucking thing my guy

[gobbochune]

Over the Garden Wall is a fall miniseries special made by cartoon network in the early years of the latest animation boom that has unfortunately been placed in the same club as Rick and Morty, Portal, and Undertale as a legitimately good though not flawless piece of media no one can talk about for fear of being associated with an infamously horrible fanbase. Cursed to obscurity because the mere mention of its name will call upon antis and fans alike who will take a mile from any inch of analysis given.

Introduction: 

I think the fact that we’ve come to a place where fandom is a deciding factor in whether or not to watch something is depressing in its own right, but more so with Over the Garden Wall specifically because it’s themes are becoming more and more relevant in western animation trends lately. Specifically with the increased demands for darker more mature themes in stories made for children.

Fans of animation from a technical standpoint want stories in their medium of choice that reflect their mature sensibilities while people with an interest in children’s media demand for lighthearted family fare they can either watch with their kids or appreciate from the standpoint of someone with an interest in child development.

And both sides have a point. Cartoons weren’t always considered to be just for children. Pretty much anything can be told through an animated story, the medium’s flexibility allows for a wide range of tone and performance that is under-utilised as children’s programming. There are some truly brilliant stories that are told though animation that not only push the boundaries of how a story can be told but also what an animated film can look like. People who happen to be writers tend to pretend that writing is the only thing that matters and that a piece of animation is only as good as the writers behind it. I can see why they feel that way but I don’t think they realise how closely interwoven visuals, audio, and text can be. Ideally, writing, visuals, and audio are all different languages that weave together to tell a story and all three mediums need to be given the same amount of care to sell a setting. I’ve seen no shortage of brilliant pieces of writing lost to the annals of time because they look like shit and I’ve seen beautiful animation that stays popular even though its written like shit. Film as a whole really negates the need to have dialog or characters at all, so long as the choice to do so is deliberate and carries a specific intent. Indie darling Don Hertzfeldt for example uses simplistic and bizarre cuts of animation alongside a monotone narration to represent a man with degenerative brain cancer in ‘It’s Such a Beautiful Day”. The narration could have easily been set to more traditional visuals or even negated entirely in place of standard dialog between characters but only Hertzfeldt’s signature style could depict what it’s like to feel your mind slowly imploding in on itself to such a chilling effect. The story was more about the visuals than the narration, and more reliable context could be drawn from the way the visuals are presented than anything the narrator says throughout the film. This is a really cool and interesting way to explore the potential animation and things like these are sorely under-utilised in mainstream studios. 

But at the same time there is legitimate genius to be found in children’s shows themselves that has absolutely zero interest in appealing to adults or even carrying themes at all. There is an art to speaking to people who haven’t developed an understanding of themselves yet that takes a lot of effort and care. Fables are devoted to this concept, designed so that the listener can understand the world through a proxy. It comes from a place of narcissism to think that just because you personally aren’t engaged by simplistic stories it means there wasn’t a level of mastery in creating it. In the Night Garden is a spiritual successor to Teletubbies with an emphasis on fostering a better relationship with bedtime. There is absolutely no entertainment to be gained from this show unless you’re high or have a boner for costume design, and yet kids love it. Toddlers love The Night Garden more than actual kids like Steven Universe. It is an incredibly successful show despite not having anything significant to say because its goal is to entertain children as they’re lulled to sleep and it works. The most beautifully designed and animated show I’ve seen all year is an irish production about baby puffins made for toddlers to learn animal facts. While there is significant scenery porn for parents to appreciate, the goal of the show is to play with all the cute animals and learn how they live in the wild. Mrs. Frisby is much the same in both versions of the show and its major goal is to act as an entry point for complex scientific concepts. Peppa Pig is legitimately fucking hilarious and requires no defense whatsoever. I’ve said before that the phrase “Just for kids” doesn’t mean that something doesn’t appeal to adults but that adults shouldn’t feel entitled to it. You can watch if you want but only with the understanding that this does not cater to you and you shouldn’t expect it to. Viewers outside a show’s demographic are only tourists, they shouldn’t demand to be stimulated with more complex narratives that could confuse or even frighten the intended audience. If it’s too simple and juvenile then watch something else. Practically everything is made for adults, you can handle the pony show not caring about your sophisticated intellectual sensibilities every now and then.

Animation studios want to find a happy medium between these two approaches to animation. On the one hand, they want to push the boundaries to appease critics and make headlines. Most of the markets surrounding these things value new ideas over well executed ideas, and studios need those clicks just as much as youtube analytics do. But on the other they know that their show can only be seen by people who can afford to see it. As much studios want to mix it up things like merchandise and advertising keep the lights on so they’ll need to stay on brand to feed their staff.

Animation is fucking expensive and a lot of studios need to keep up a reliable flow of money in order to satisfy their investors whilst affording their passion products on the side. Sony Animation for example seems to follow this pattern of making legitimately good films between lukewarm branding deals, usually sequels to their previous successes. Pixar and Dreamworks have adapted this pattern as well, and unlike so many animation critics I can’t fault them for that. It’s like every time Pixar announces a sequel or a toyetic franchise fans act like this is the last film they’re going to make, despite many of these losers using the same damn tactics on their own channels. I know a hustle when I see it, and unless they’ve obviously given up I don’t really see the cause for concern.

But TV animation works differently…I think. 

Let this be a disclaimer that most of what I know about production comes from film studies and the indie scene so it’s entirely possible that my explanation of things like statistics and scheduling is either absurdly simplified or outright false. I am entirely open to correction, and in fact actively encourage it from someone who has done more reading on the subject.

From what I understand the way it used to work was that a schedule would be designed under the assumption that once a show caught the viewer’s attention they’d stay on the channel until they got bored. Emphasis was put on stuffing as many different programs as they could into one day so a higher percentage of tastes would be attracted to it. Things become more complicated with the advent of the internet, because unlike the benevolent tv channel feeding you shows it thinks you want audiences can pick and choose for themselves.

Often times fans will show loyalty to a single program instead of the whole channel, hopping between networks to take their pick from the cream of the crop. This is why Crewniverse all but begs fans of Steven Universe to watch the show on tv even if the alternative is legal. It doesn’t matter how many people buy episodes in itunes if the stats show more eyes on Cartoon Network when Teen Titans Go is playing. The kind audience who likes Teen Titans Go is more likely to watch it on TV and will watch anything else on the channel like commercials and other shows. Teen Titans Go does in fact have an audience that audience is more loyal to the network than fans of Steven Universe are, so it gets priority on the schedule. And, despite what small-minded cynics like to say about media at large, its not like the only things these studios want is to make money. They are made up of individuals who entered a less than lucrative industry because they like what they make and want to make things they can be proud of when they can afford it. But money will always need to be a factor and respect for a project feeds artists only slightly less than exposure dollars do.  

Shows that have the memetic writing of TTG but with the fakedeep shock value of Steven Universe are becoming more and more popular because the jokes and reusable formula to attract views so the themes and representation can be explored once the show has paid back its cost for existing. But often what we’re left with are shows that are annoying or embarrassing for adults and are boring or upsetting for children. We’re brought right back to the initial debate of mature themes vs. consistent tone.

But what does any of this have to do with Over the Garden Wall? It’s not avant-garde experimental animation or childish educational animation. It doesn’t really swap between methods but attempts to be both at the same time. Like Gravity Falls it makes sure to let the audience know what it is early on and stays that way throughout. Cartoon Network even resisted making it an ongoing story, it had a pre-determined ending that it stubbornly refuses to expand no matter how much money the fans are willing to throw at a second season. It has more in common with a film than a tv show, it had a specific story it wanted to tell and knew that enjoyment of that story was limited. There was very little in Over the Garden Wall’s synopsis that could be recycled, every decision in story and design had a deliberate reason for being there and if any of the aspects that made the show enjoyable were reused they would lose their effect.

But, like so many modern cartoons, it still fell into edgy trappings that made it too scary for children and too cutesy for adult swim. When thinking of the core demographic I can only assume it was made for animation buffs either in highschool or their first year of college who happen to have a preference for nostalgia over intrigue. Homage is the best way to describe its artistic intent; constantly referencing movements in American animation through technique and shot composition. Its subtle enough that the design is cohesive but blatant enough for anyone who’s taken a class on storyboarding to recognise.

So yeah, it’s a pretty good show if you’re into that sort of thing but why is it such a tragedy that it’s been blacklisted? Well, I believe that Over the Garden Wall not only balances its desire to appeal to goth adults with being appealing for children but actually manages to have something significant to say about excessive darkness at the same time. To prove this I have to dive into the more subtle themes of the show that might not have been made so apparent on the first viewing which means I have to dissect some very uncomfortable implications.

And I’m gonna spoil the ever living fuck out of it so that was my warning.

Summary

On the surface Over the Garden Wall is a story about a pair of brother’s shared death dream as they slowly succumb to hypothermia at the bottom of a pond. The dream itself is the Unknown, a place that can be read either metaphorically as an allegory for depression or literally as the suicide forest of Dante’s inferno. The Unknown attracts the hopeless and lost and there the boys meet others who have been ensnared by anxiety and doubt.The boys are stalked by The Beast (an entity that functions as a satanic male version of Dante’s harpies) while the bluebird Beatrice (named for the muse of Dante) tries to help them find their way home. This eventually leads to a confrontation between the brothers and the Beast where the older brother Wirt must overcome his own anxiety and escape the Unknown to rescue them both from drowning.

Of course that’s a pretty rigid recap of what happens and there are a lot of hints that the Unknown is actually a real place or that the happy ending is a lie or other shit but after several viewings of the show in a relatively short amount of time I notice those hints were only added at the very end whereas every other big plot twist is referenced in each episode leading up to the reveal. Generally, it seems like they wanted to leave a door open for the comics. From what I understand the Unknown is real the same way purgatory would be real. Its less a place than a black hole of negative emotions people are sucked into at difficult points in their lives that is haunted by a poltergeist made of their combined despair.  The fact that the beast feeds on the souls of suicide victims and its true form is just a bunch of Edelwood trees confirms this in my mind.

But here’s the thing about the Unknown- it’s a fucking sham.

Why The Unknown is a Fucking Sham

The Beast isn’t some great and terrible truth that all must fear and respect, he’s a con artist who tricks people into doing his work for him by playing on their anxieties.

The Woodsman states in the first episode that everyone has a burden to bear and his is the dark lantern containing his daughter’s soul. But it’s not his burden and that’s not his daughter’s soul. His daughter is still alive, patiently waiting for him to come home, and it was only his fear of learning the truth behind her demise that keeps them apart. The comics confirm that she was almost captured by the beast but narrowly escaped, which can be an allegory for a near death experience or terminal illness. The Woodsman is overwhelmed by the idea that he couldn’t protect his child, and becomes obsessed with delaying the inevitable. In his frantic refusal to accept Anna’s mortality the Woodsman unknowingly abandoned her. This carries some pretty disturbing implications if Wirt hadn’t intervened, he would have stayed in the unknown while his daughter wasted away completely alone.

Beatrice, who has been estranged by her family because of a mistake she’s trying to atone, doesn’t realise that no one in her family blames her and they’d be perfectly happy to live as bluebirds so long as she comes home. They love her unconditionally, and are so okay with the bluebird thing that they lightly tease her for it over the dinner table. It’s treated as a stupid kid mistake that the family looks back on fondly, and Beatrice being lost in the unknown was the product of her guilt and pride. 

Greg’s reason for being lost is subtle and well hidden but prominent if you’re paying attention. His naïvety and good nature has caused him to believe that he is a bad person because he did exactly one thing wrong: He stole a rock. This is so tiny and insignificant and so real to children that age that it stings. One of my earliest memories is that of accidentally breaking the seal on a bag of candy and waiting in terror for the cashier to notice and send me to jail. Greg is only five years old, and that secret was burning inside of him the whole time its no wonder he crumbled under the guilt the minute Wirt cast any shadow of blame onto him. When Wirt finds out why the Beast was able to capture Greg he’s utterly flabbergasted, and says as much as Greg feebly insists that he deserves to die because he picked up a rock without a permission.

There’s a reason why all but the main cast’s problems can be solved in quick episodic succession. Its because the answers are so blatantly and obviously simple but couldn’t be seen through the self-hatred and doubt. The beast is ultimately defeated not through self-confidence, sacrifice, or true love but through admitting that, well.

(this is actually the big badass moment where Wirt defeats the beast not a one off joke)

The moral of Over the Garden Wall is that excessive angst, especially that which is found in its own narrative, is dumb and shouldn’t be indulged in.

Nothing that is presented about the Unknown is as bad as the characters initially believe and the solution becomes clear once they stop feeling sorry for themselves. The show presents attempts to atone for one’s sins or dwell on one’s flaws as actively damaging and unpleasant for the people around you. 

This can be a bitter pill to swallow for a lot of reasons. Ignoring the obvious things like societal or monetary restrictions there are a lot of ways people can be trapped in this mindset. From the outside it looks as though people are hung up by such simple problems by a lack of self-autonomy, not realising that a personal crisis can be exhausting to address at the best of times, let alone whilst suffering from depression. 

Over the Garden Wall is sympathetic to those who are lost but warns its audience that despair must never outweigh the actual severity of the problem. Many of the more unsettling inhabitants of the Unknown are perfectly good people who are trapped in a bad situation, from the souls of those abandoned in unmarked graves to a loving aunt forced to manipulate her niece in order to save her from herself. 

Nowhere else is this made more apparent than with the two protagonists. No matter the severity of each resident of the Unknown introduced, Greg’s childish optimism always wins out over Wirt’s cautious pessimism. Almost every solution is found either by Greg doggedly hoping for a good outcome or Wirt lapsing into hopefulness, and it’s only when Wirt’s despair causes him to lash out at Greg that the Beast is finally able to find them. 

And this leads us to Wirt. 

Lets talk about Wirt

Wirt is the older brother and thus made responsible for his and his brother’s actions. But Wirt doesn’t really want to do that because Wirt kinda doesn’t like himself all too much. Wirt is just as quick to push responsibility onto his five year old sibling as he is to lament his own inability to preform, despite successfully preforming various tasks mere moments after insisting he can’t. 

*Proceeds to ride expertly through dark unstable terrain one handed without reigns*

Every moment of Wirt’s badassary save for his final gambit against the Beast is proceeded by a declaration of incompetence and excuses as to why he’ll under preform. All character flaws are the product of Wirt’s self-depreciation and any strengths he’ll admit to having he perceives as worthless or abnormal. All of his relationships are incredibly positive or supportive and yet he believes himself to be a tragic outcast who is upstaged by his rival Jason who is superior to him in every regard. Often times Wirt will wax into dramatic purple prose lamenting a lost love that turns out to just be a botched confession and his deepest darkest secret is the fact he writes poetry and plays clarinet. 

All of this serves to make Wirt a pretty pathetic little edgelord, and he would be completely unbearable if not for the aforementioned theme.

Wirt’s angst exists entirely between his very large ears, is very obviously a temporary product of being a teenager. Wirt looks like he could be anywhere from 10 to 13 years old until we realise that his childish appearance is a costume and he’s actually in his mid teens. An excursion into the real world shows the audience that not only Sara, the subject of Wirt’s affections, is totally into him but that he is generally embraced by his peers and his ‘rival’ Jason is a loser everyone tolerates out of pity. Even the Police, who he initially entered the Unknown trying to escape, were merely putting on a facade of chasing them as apart of some misguided Halloween fun. Even as the brothers run in fear from authority, that authority calls out to them that he’s kidding and he only wants them to stop running because he’s afraid they’ll trip and hurt themselves. Absolutely nothing in Wirt’s life is out to get him.

Every time we learn more about Wirt the characters openly mock or chastise him for being so down on himself, and its through realising the ridiculousness of his angst that he is able to defeat the Beast. Even his killing-blow one liner is robbed of its badass appeal because his voice cracks on the first try, only for Wirt to clear his throat and try again. It’s not even him who kills the beast at all, realising that defeating the Beast isn’t necessary to find his way home. All he has to do is stop letting the Beast get to him and he’s able to escape the Unknown without a second thought. The Beast’s fate is left in the hands of the Woodsman, a fitting punishment for manipulating him into doing its dirty work all these years. 

And its not as if Wirt is unlikable either. Certain points in the series we see him open up a bit more and show the genuinely kind and insightful young man who endears himself to the people around him. Though he often mistreats his younger brother Greg, Wirt tries to take care of him where he can and will even indulge in Greg’s silliness when he’s comfortable enough to express himself. 

The cruelest thing Wirt ever does to Greg is tell him to bug off while he takes a nap, and even this he regrets within minutes of waking up to find his brother gone. For all Wirt insists towards the end that he doesn’t care about either of their survival anymore, the mere suggestion of Greg falling victim to the Beast is enough to sent the exhausted and suicidal Wirt into an overprotective frenzy.

Most of Wirt’s problems can be solved not by believing he is good but abandoning the idea that he is bad. Happiness is treated not as a depleting life force but everyone’s natural state. After all, being lost is temporary by definition. To have a home is to have a sense of normalcy you wish to return to, and to be away from that home is to be lost. 

The Beast tries to trick you into forgetting you’re capable of ever finding your way back, or that you aren’t strong enough to escape the Unknown. But giving up is never the answer, for so long as you refuse to give up the Beast can’t touch you. The Beast is a lair and a sham. He grows twisting and winding paths designed to confuse and disorient you. He’s such a weak piece of shit that he needs to tire you out for days until he can even show his pathetic face. 

Conclusion

While media can provide an escape, it also can be a cage all its own. 

In these trying times its so easy to feel as if the only way to keep yourself from going batshit crazy is to accept mediocrity and succumb to apathy. From horror stories on the news to harassment online or even something as petty as your favourite cartoon not living up to your expectations, the relative insignificance of these things is what causes us to leave them unchecked. We let our problems fester because it is our instinct to press on despite the pain before stopping everything to take apart our lives and look for a problem. We hide the things that bother us behind prickled branches that we drag through the dirt until they’re too heavy to proceed. We make up reasons as to why even thinking of a solution is more exhausting than happiness is worth. We pretend our feelings come from an impossible source in order to justify their existence. 

That is the Beast’s lie. 

You DON’T have to choose between wandering forever or surrender to the forest, you can make a better option. Escape the Unknown. Fight for your happy ending. Don’t give Beast what it wants. Unlike everything else, the Beast is the only thing that can’t hurt you. It’s not fucking easy even though it should be and that sucks but you still need to go home. You deserve to go home. 

And odds are its closer than you think.

[jira-chii]

Thoughts on the Shoumetsu Toshi Anime before it even airs

The Shoumetsu Toshi anime will air in April 2019, which fills me with both excitement and trepidation... 

Warning for long post. And a bit of language. I may have spoiled the bare minimum of the game in order to explain why it is awesome. There are no spoilers for the anime because it doesn't air until April 2019. 

NB: This whole post is my own personal opinion. I don’t claim to be an expert in anything anime or game related. In fact, I don't play many mobile games at all, and usually steer clear of anime adaptations of such games because I know how shit they can be. I sincerely hope Shoumetsu Toshi will be different because of the quality of the writing. Also yes I am very biased. And passionate. And this whole thing is written on the assumption the producers actually want to make this anime good and worthwhile, rather than just a quick money-grab. I just have a lot of feelings about this ok. 

During Shoumetsu Toshi’s fourth year anniversary, one of the projects announced was an anime! I'm sure everyone playing knew this was going to happen eventually. After all, the game has an all star cast of seiyuu, an amazing storyline, and has been marketing itself for quite a while now (collabs, live concerts, CDs, keychains and more). I have no doubt Shoumetsu Toshi has the potential to become an amazing anime if done correctly, but it will face many challenges on the path to adaptation. Here are some of them.

Too many tamashii

One of the game’s greatest strengths also becomes one of its greatest barriers to adaptation. Shoumetsu Toshi has done an amazing job at creating a huge community of characters (like, an actual city). We get to see their stories unfold and their characters develop bit by bit through various events and quest stages. Within the game, we meet characters that are strong and inspiring, characters with complex relationships, characters that are good-natured and goofy, characters with tragic pasts and so much more. There are characters with stories in this game that will tear your heart to shreds, stories with plot twists nobody saw coming until years later, and stories that were so impactful I had to write a 3000 word essay on it before I was satisfied.

Unfortunately, the anime cannot afford to invest the same amount of time and effort in its characters as the game does. Though we love them, including too many would be detrimental because 1. It wouldn’t fit the tone the anime is going for, 2. There's actually no point because the majority of these don't affect the main story whatsoever and 3. They won't be developed enough for first timers to become invested in them. Especially the ones with more serious stories.

The producers will need to carefully choose which characters to include: characters that are not only distinct and easy to invest in, but will actually contribute to the plot and make the time getting to know them worthwhile. Because one of the worst things an anime can do imo, is bring in a character nobody is invested in, who contributes nothing to the story, has zero character development (i.e. their character is based completely on cliches and tropes) but also gets about 200% more screen time than any other side character, because there is the assumption that they’ll be popular based on their character design alone. That is just lazy writing and is disrespectful not only to the audience, but also the character (I don’t care if they’re fictional, good characters deserve respect too).

I fear there is a very real danger SPR5 could become that. The in-game idol group got a real world debut, and, while I don’t mind seeing promotion in an anime (we live in a capitalist society after all), they shouldn’t contribute much to the overall story, and I will be very disappointed if the anime give them more screen time than they need purely for the sake of marketing.  

Complex storyline

If there is one thing I absolutely don't want this anime to get wrong, it’s the story. The Shoumetsu Toshi main storyline is frickin’ amazing. It is an epic quest that spans four worlds, involves characters literally jumping through space and time, and breaks the fourth wall in the creepiest way possible. The creativity that comes with that is my absolute favourite thing about the game, however I acknowledge some heavy changes would need to be made to make it fit the traditional anime format…

I have heard the anime will be an original story, however the PV suggests it will still retain key plot points from the game. Contrary to my general opinions regarding anime-original content, I think this is the right way to go. I think fans innately despise original stories in anime adaptations for one of two reasons: the story will either be too complex for non-fans to enjoy, ruining the reputation of the series, or the story will be too watered down in order to appeal to said non-fans and consequently lose much of what made the original actually great. Achieving harmony is an incredibly difficult balancing act, and part of this involves the series living up to its own greatness. Which very rarely happens. If Shoumetsu Toshi goes for a retelling of say, World 1, it is invariably going to be compared to the original. Also it becomes predictable for anyone far enough into the game. If the producers do want to go the extra mile and make it worthwhile for the OG fans (which is nice in theory but, admittedly, unlikely), they would need to add some meaningful original content that still retains the essence of what makes Shoumetsu Toshi, Shoumetsu Toshi. That is, it retains the same themes and atmosphere, conveys a similar message, keeps all the characters appropriately in character...basically anything that would not feel out of place if it were to be inserted into the original. Luckily for us, Shoumetsu Toshi writers have loads of experience with this. I am talking, of course, about the mountain of ranking quests, side stories and events.

I will admit not every single minor story in Shoumetsu Toshi is fantastic, particularly many of the ranking events, which usually only allow about three stages to tell a story focused on one character. However, what I think the game does do very well in respect to these short ranking stories (and many other events and side stories open to lower level players), is make them accommodating to both old and new players. This is usually achieved by including Easter eggs and hints to a greater plot for the former, while keeping the actual main story for that particular quest straightforward and accessible for the latter. This strategy avoids alienating newcomers and will be absolutely vital if the anime is aiming to appeal to a larger audience, namely the international one who are mostly not even aware of the game. Failure to adhere to this strategy is also partially why many anime adaptations of games have such a shitty track record. They try to pack in too much, usually by explaining multiple complex concepts without devoting enough time to see them properly work in action. The story might take a backburner in favour of the more technical stuff, leaving newcomers confused and bored. Then when it’s time for the climax, nobody actually understands what is happening on screen. “Just play the source material”, actual fans will say, but really, unless the premise or characters appealed to me, how likely am I to invest even more time into a game if I thought the anime was boring as hell?

I do not think Shoumetsu Toshi will be able to showcase its full potential in one anime season. But if the goal of the anime is just to promote the game, there is no need to. If the goal of the anime were to be an actual good anime though, I think the creators would need to take the same approach as the game does for its stories.

Shoumetsu Toshi’s most epic moments are its unpredictable and creative plot twists. The amazing thing is, they don’t just come out of nowhere. This game’s strongest stories are the long ones that build up gradually to spectacular and emotional climaxes, which are possible because characters are given ample time to establish their values and motivations. This helps us as an audience better understand important plot points without the story having to beat us over the head about it, allowing the game to weave a subtle yet sophisticated narrative that actually makes total sense by the end. This means the story needs to be planned out from the very beginning, and will need some time for setup. Which means it won’t truly shine until the metaphorical ‘late-game’.

Stories like these are at a disadvantage these days because, especially with the Internet giving us so much more choice, a lot of anime watchers now tend to drop a show if it fails to impress them from the very start. After about three episodes, the audience should have a good feel for the anime’s main characters, setting and a hint of the main plot. If by then, absolutely nothing about the series appeals to you, you would start to think there are better things you could be doing with your time. Unfortunately, sometimes a show just needs a long time to set up a good story (or sometimes producers dick around too much with filler episodes).  

On top of probably needing a slow start, the Shoumetsu Toshi anime is at another disadvantage in respect to one type of audience, because the game does not have an English version. Which means a lot of the Western anime audience will have had no prior interaction with it and don’t know what to expect. They have no idea who the characters are, what the story is, and why its fanbase considers it so much more than just another gacha game. We just have to hope the anime is compelling enough in the beginning to ‘hook’ these newcomers, and make them stay on board long enough to make their time worth it...

A good Shoumetsu Toshi story needs to take risks. I hope to God nobody at that studio makes the executive decision to ‘play it safe’, because the last thing any fan wants is a disappointing anime adaptation with a mundane story even a non-fan wouldn’t be able to enjoy.The writers need to be given complete autonomy and trust to fully realise their creative vision, because that is exactly what is needed if this adaptation wants to use Shoumetsu Toshi’s biggest drawcard to its full advantage.

Animating exposition

This is a pretty minor thing compared to the other two I mentioned previously, but the most iconic thing that sets an anime adaptation apart from the source material is, well, the animation. Visuals and animation are probably the biggest things influencing a new audience’s first impression. Unfortunately, the PV portrayed some pretty lacklustre animation for Madhouse standards and I don’t think people were that impressed.

Good animation is time-consuming and can actually take quite a lot of effort on the part of the director (not that I have that much experience to speak to). Where to place characters in the shot composition, when and how far to zoom in for a close-up, how to best direct movement for maximum impact, but also keeping the scene direction consistent enough that the audience can still understand what is happening on screen. Dynamic scenes are hard enough, but on the other end of the spectrum, how do you animate a static character reciting an information dump in an interesting way?

Shoumetsu Toshi has a lot of talking. It's just something that comes part and parcel with a game of this format. In the game it's alright because you can read at your own pace, and it's important information. Plus they usually keep you engaged by switching up characters’ facial expressions (Shoumetsu Toshi 0 does this in spades) or by distracting you with the stellar soundtrack. I expect the anime is also gonna have a heap of exposition. I mean, from the PV alone I already see at least three expositional characters: Geek, Eiji and Kikyou.

Personally I think expositions are the hardest things to animate. And I don't mean difficult to actually draw and turn into animation, but to actually direct something like that in a satisfying way takes brain power. There are an infinite number of ways to animate characters talking, ranging from the super boring still-image-with-moving-mouth-flap, to using dynamic camera angles to keep the composition interesting, or overlaying a montage of some sort to visually convey the message without having to look at a static character. The game provides only a generic idea of how the scene might play out when animated. While this opens the door to a heap of creative possibilities, I’m concerned that if it comes down to time and budget, or if someone gets lazy, it is very likely we could end up with one hella boring sequence of exposition. Which could be a serious problem if the action scenes aren’t able to impress.

Ahh, you guys have no idea how much I want this anime to do well. There's just so much potential there.

In my opinion, traditional anime can be seen as an incredibly limited medium that must, in the span of about 12 episodes, tell a good story to its audience, invest them in its characters, and keep them engaged for half an hour each episode through pretty visuals/cool animation. If they can’t do that the audience will probably drop the series because they a) get bored, b) don’t care, and/or c) fall asleep. This also means a good anime can’t afford to sacrifice story for character development or vice versa. They need to happen concurrently.

It is not easy to make a good anime, and even more difficult to make one that lives up to the hype of its very amazing source material. As a general rule of thumb, I keep my expectations of game adaptations low, and that is what I said to myself when the Shoumetsu Toshi anime was announced. But then one day I got linked a Shoumetsu Toshi drama CD, and I was blown away by how well they did it. The title is The Vanished Elephant, a literary reference to Murakami's short story of the same name. I'm trying not to spoil but basically, the CD fully utilised the fact we can't see the characters (but can hear them) to craft a mysterious original story with a wonderful plot twist. It works just as a stand alone story, but actual players who are familiar with the characters and motifs immediately get that sense of unease at the very beginning, which is finally paid off with the reveal at the end.

Thanks to that, I can't help but be excited for the anime. If they do fuck it up, I won't be surprised but I will be very, very, sad.

If you have read this far, thank you so much for your time. If you are unfamiliar with Shoumetsu Toshi, could I ask you to please give this anime a chance? And if after its run, it does turn out shit, by all means, complain to your heart’s content (because I will be doing the same).

[clarespace]

oh god, i just saw the official mv and my heart is screaming. it’s also 2am and im gonna gush about pete and ae with quick and dirty gifs, so watch out: 

ugh, i love these scenes so much. wait, i love every scene, but these first ones are so important. ae is presented as the typical confused guy but get this, he’s so soft and expressive with his feelings, and he’s. not. ashamed. of. it. quite a contrast with pete, whose been internalising his shame. the wonderful thing with ae is that he’s so honest and direct. he says what he feels and thinks. more importantly, his actions coincide with what he says. often, that just doesnt happen in bl stories. the guy feels something for another guy? he goes out with girls and avoids the guy, etc. not ae. the boy just dives right in after a few moments of self-reflection. what an awesome dude. 

and pete. our sweet, shy pete is saying, while looking into ae’s eyes, that he’s liked ae from the beginning. how cute is that? but more than cute, there’s the impression that he’s reached the point where he feels really safe and secure with ae that he can openly say this. wasnt it only a few episodes ago where he was still worried about bothering ae, and ae has done so many things to affirm pete’s trust in him that they’ve reached this point. which episode this will be, who knows, but they get here, hopefully with as little fuss as possible. 

look. at. THAT. that’s one of the cutest things i’ve ever seen and it just screams ‘couple in love’. i gotta say, the body direction in this drama has been SPOT ON by the director and the actors. they’re horribly in love and it should SHOW. they should have their own couple language, their sweet gestures. see how tender ae is, and how content pete looks, especially with the way he closes his eyes when he finally rests his head on ae’s shoulder. just...the way their bodies are positioned is so so so good. boys sit like that! and the way they are subtly turned towards each other shows openness and interest...hear me heave my biggest, happiest sigh. 

idk what happens in this moment except i want more of it. study date? sleep over? moving in together?? okay, the last one is too soon but i have a weakness when my otp spend time sleeping with each other and doing their nightly routines and just living life in love. also, ae, dont be extra. pete is really cute when he’s asleep but that’s no reason to look at him as if he’s literally doing cartwheels and you’re so proud of him...ugh, fine, i take it back. look at him with love ALL THE TIME.

ok it’s so hilarious to me that pete was smiling his dumb ‘ai ae’ smile and then the next frame he’s all serious as ae pushes him down slowly on the bed. also. fooling around in broad daylight? i approve because it’s so ridiculous when dramas only seem to portray that sex happens at night, in the dark. definitely not. also, they could just be cuddling here and i wont object to that either. ae just really dives into this whole thing, huh? 

once again, no context except that ae is so happy and pleased to see pete. get you a man who looks at pete the way ae does. look at the fondness in those eyes. he’s so expressive, i love it. kudos to the actor for his portrayal! also, pete looks...hesitant? surprised? that ae is waving at him? and like he’s leaving in a hurry? hmmmm also i love a guy in a football kit so much

wow guys, just show off your love, huh? like i said, one of my favourite things is watching a couple actually be a couple. what they do, how they act, their own gestures, their rituals and it looks like ae and pete are the kind of ridiculously soft, touchy feely, sweet af couple who love to spend as much time as possible...and that happens to be my all time weakness, my ultimate goal. it’s like, pete is either making a joke or telling him something funny and ae gives that little huff and everything is smothering me with joy. 

i am surprised, though, by the implication that they spend a lot of nights sleeping together. it’s something i dont come across often in asian dramas. western, yes, when they’re dating and spend days and nights in their own world, and this is what i see happening with ae and pete. it’s modern and new and accurate. or am i just surprised because in kdramas they dont even hold hands and they flinch whenever they look each other in the eye? maybe. 

they’re so freaking DOMESTIC and i am so here for that shit. who sleeps on what side of the bed? who wakes up first? do they sleep all cuddled up?(remembering ae sleeping on top of pete, that’s a big YES) who makes breakfast? who fixes the bed? I NEED TO KNOW

hands down my favourite moment. not only is it a great shot, it’s just so...normal. they’re just ordinary boys with an extraordinary love that they’re not afraid to show. look at that body language. the familiarity, the softness, the smoothness of the action. is this the end where they’ve fully accepted each other? told each other all of their stories? cleared away the misunderstandings and are now just basking in the joy of being together?

also, it’s quite telling that ae is being presented as the top. now, i do have my own preferences for top and bottom but i dont really care who does it, tbh, and it doesnt matter. you could have your own headcanons about it and that’s fine as long as you’re not being toxic. i’ve seen so many people refuse to read/watch something if this or that person is placed in a specific role. on that note, i like how they’re showing that the one who’s physically larger isn’t the top, as is the case most of the time. they’re going there. 

there are a few more moments but now it’s 3:30am as i type this, my eyelids are getting heavy (even though my heart is still going kyaa kyaa) and im gonna end this with the two biggest things that the drama is going right with pete and ae: 

1. you dont have to be a jerk and use tricks to make someone fall in love/pay attention to you. 

2. being soft and in love is nothing to be ashamed of. 

i hope that there wont be the usual misunderstandings with the girl, or unnecessary, or break ups. i’ve noticed some people say that pete and ae dont have a complex story and therefore their love isnt complex or strong, and i’d just like to correct that assumption. just because a love story isnt full of angst and bloodshed doesnt make it a lesser love, just like a love story full of hardship and pain makes it somehow more worthy. there is nothing romantic about pain or break ups or messy love triangles. yes, these things happen because the characters are idiots and make such choices that lead to these things, but ae and pete seem to make choices that are good and healthy for them and there is nothing wrong with that. there is nothing wrong with falling in love, getting that person, and living a happy life. it’s so rare to get this sweet, soft gem of a love story between two sweet, soft boys. let’s enjoy it and not wish them to break up or go through silly misunderstandings. if that happens, then it happens logically and not just to throw unnecessary angst in there. 

happiness is not boring. we’ve (or at least, i have) been waiting for so long for a main couple who gets that smooth-sailing love while the secondary ones go through all the mess and have that role model of good, healthy relationships as the focus. again, not saying they should be in a perfect, conflict free relationship but the meddling third parties? the miscommunication? nothing in their personalities makes those things possible long-term, tbh. ae would just be blunt about it and tell the truth. pete would probably agonise a little bit and then ask. if you find dark, angsty love stories as your thing, good for you, but dont wish for that to happen just for the sake of it. 

please let them be happy. look at these adorable children! they should only know happiness and cuddles and sweet kisses.

come talk to me about ae and pete! i am so down with talking about them!

(seeing as there are several volumes of the novel, it would seem that pete and ae do go through some stuff but they remain steadfast and true, as much as i can gather. just no avoidable bullshit, please.)

(also 4am. if you read all of this word regurgitation, thank you and im sorry lmao)

[thegreymoon]

Sorry, You didn't really say or do anything to make me think that you are Asian. I thought that I read sth in your lj where u said that you were and just run with it. It was a long time ago and I must have misread. Also, you don't really post a lot political stuff, it is more like I notice it more because when I visit your page I skip all Merlin related stuff and am interested in the rest so again my fault. As for my ise of imaginary- yeah, it was passive agressive, altough not intentionally so

… my bad. I rarely engage in political conversations online because it never ends well, especially when my views clash with 90% of tumblr users so I am used to combative tone and it was unnecessary.. As for SJW I am not sure if that is dissmissive term as it discribes the “movement” well? I am not native speaker and am aware that it can be used as derogative term, but was also convinced that it is used by people on the left if political spectrum. I asked you why you are mainy interesetd in USA because I was working under the assumption that u are Asian it seemed to me weird that a person coming from China/Japan etc would be championing social justice in USA when it not that big of a problem(or at all IMO) whie ignoring very real problems in their own country. But since you are not Asian and you post political stuff rarely you are right it is a silly discussion. The fault is completely on my side. I am allergic to these kind of stuff and you are one of my favourite writers so I exaggerated. Once again sorry.

As for the rest of your response: I also come from relatively poor country that was screwed over by both Britain and USA and many other countries, and I don’t agree with many of their policies (or most) but I don’t hate them and believe that as much as people like to say they start wars for the oil etc it is not really true. There are many political and global players and everyone single country is motivated by greed it is only that not every country can exercise their power.  

Relatively they are not the worst, it is just that since USA tries to paint themselves as heroes they are held to different, much higher standards than other countries. To sum it up, I am not defending their foreign policies, they have done a lot of wrong and are shortseighted but I still think that are better than other superpowers that will soon take over like China or maybe India. Also, I don;t understand why would you include global warming in your answer?why do you believe it is their fault

I am trying to leave as “green” as I can, I am a vegetarian and I believe we should do everything to preserve environment, but I wouldnt want my country to sign any deals concerning CO2 emission as long as other countries do not do the same. Otherwise, they would just cripple their economy and not help the world? As for Trump(if you are still interested) I find him the epitome of self-important, conceited stereotypical american but still so much better than alternative and despite distaste. would still vote for him. Because he at least apppears to be anti globalist and has a much higher moral ground than Hillary. what are his SPECIFIC actions that you find so abhorrent? Anyway, what I alluded to in my message was not politics of USA but the social justcie issues, like support BLM or me to movement(I am not sure if you posted enything regarding that, so srry if I presume wrongly) which I find are absolutely not based on facts and despite that people still perpetuate that, and if u don’t agree you are racist and sexist. No arguments whatsoever. It is also silly to me when I see the posts about the West being this cesspool of sexism while honour killings or FGM is nearly a non issue on social media or racism when considering the West is still the least racist place in the world when you compare it to China/India/SA or any other place. So, I find the social media effort to be misdirected and controlled by emotions. Even the indigineous people issued you mentioned. Americans get so much shit for their history, while pretty much every single country that exist was created by conquering or displacement of the previous population(u just have to go far enough down the history). So, yeah wht happend to Indigenous people and dissappearance of their whole civilization is a great tragedy but not the first and unfortunately not the last in human history. Why are we hearing about it but not about Anuit people or Persian or Byzantians? it is so imbalanced. Ok, anyway, sorry for the rant it shouldn’t be directed at you and tumblr is definitely not the place for it. Sorry if I offended to you. As I said I love your writing, “DC” is my all time favourite fic, and because I creepely once read through all of your lj(including asks and responses) I(like an internet creep and stalker)liked you and thought you seemed smart, well balanced and knowledgeable so I guess I felt entitled to to make the ask. Wish you all the best in life. 

No worries, I’m sorry I came off so aggressive in my answer. I did actually live and work in China for a while during my LJ days and it’s entirely possible I may have tagged myself as being there on my fandom profiles at the time. It was a happy period for me and I talked about it a lot to anyone who had the patience to listen, so it’s very plausible that you have read something about it on my LJ! I’m very sorry if it was misleading, but I was only ever an expat there!

I used to be a lot more open about my real name and real-life dealings in fandom communities, but that almost backfired spectacularly, so I locked down a lot of stuff because it could do me quite a bit of damage. 

OK, I concede your point that if you remove the Merlin stuff, a lot of what is left on my Tumblr is going to be either me reblogging cats or raging about social injustices (oops) 😅

I’d just like to make it clear that I absolutely do not hate either the USA, the UK or any other country in the world. Like I said, people are people, and disgusting policies are disgusting policies and every single country is guilty of them. It’s just that some have a bigger impact and are more visible. My own country is a source of so much shame and anger for me, it far outweighs anything the UK and the USA could have ever done because it’s personal, but our nonsense is just not something that I come across when casually scrolling through Tumblr, so I don’t reblog it. It’s possible to love a nation and its people and still be critical of the evil they have done. 

Also, let me just clarify that I’m bothered by all injustices and human rights violations everywhere, but usually there isn’t a post about them when I’m scrolling at 2 am at night that I can reblog. The USA is just… low hanging fruit, and let’s face it, from where I stand, hating on their president, the white supremacists, the Nazis, fundamental Christians, racists and the Republicans in general after what they have turned into is not hating on the USA, but rather cheering on the sane part of the country to get rid of this toxic waste ASAP. The same goes for Brexiteers in the UK and I am so, so sad for all the people that are going to suffer because of it. 

Of course, I’m aware that China and Japan have issues and human rights violations that are mind-boggling, but again, they just don’t appear on my dash very often, or at least not in English or from a source I can easily fact-check. The Japanese and Chinese stuff I follow is mostly art, nature and pictures of pretty clothes. My knowledge of either of these countries is very superficial compared to Western countries, which impact me directly, so it really isn’t my place to appoint myself as a champion of human rights in the Far East when my own country and continent are a growing dumpster fire that cannot be contained.  

On the subject of global warming, I’m not blaming the USA (entirely, because they, of course, played their part, but so did the rest of humanity). I’m enraged by their governing body’s rhetoric as of late, the denial of climate change, every single action that Trump took since taking office (such as withdrawing from the Paris climate agreement), him making ignorant, snide remarks in the middle of the polar vortex just days ago while people were suffering, deliberately sabotaging scientists and spreading dangerous, false information when each and every single country should be all-hands-on-deck if we want to avert a disaster of global proportions (especially with all the signs pointing to us being too late already). Nobody is suggesting that the USA should unilaterally reduce carbon emissions, all countries in the world must do it and develop the technology to make it feasible to convert to clean energy. And yes, the USA, China and other giants have to lead the way because they are the ones with the power! My poor, tiny country is not the one that can impact anything, so yes, the USA is absolutely more responsible to lead the way forward, but instead of at least moving in the right direction, Trump is deliberately lying and sabotaging all effort because he likes the money he gets from Big Oil companies, and he’s giving a platform to religious nutcases for votes, who think that there won’t be a global disaster of epic proportions in the near future because God promised Noah he would never again flood the entire Earth in the Old Testament. It’s not even the outright evil that is bothering me the most right now, but the mind-numbing stupidity. 

I have nothing but loathing for both of the Clintons. They have caused so much destruction in my country and I do not want good things for either of them, ever. I will never pretend that Hillary Clinton is anything even resembling a good person because you do not reach that level of power by having a conscience, but at the very least, she is not a rapist and paedophile that the general public knows of (which is more than we can say for her husband, btw). Trump has no moral high ground whatsoever, IMO. He has done everything imaginable, from scamming charities (this was proven in court) to raping minors (see Epstein). He has no redeemable human characteristics and is not even intelligent enough to pretend that he does, which is at least one thing that Hillary has going for her. I’m not going to sit here and list all the reasons why Trump is abhorrent because a) it cannot fit in a Tumblr post b) I would be sitting here for years. 

I will also not engage in discussion about whether or not BLM is a valid movement, ever. I don’t understand what you mean when you say it isn’t based on ‘facts’. Which, facts are in doubt, exactly? It’s based on multigenerational, still ongoing trauma and persecution of an entire race of people! I’m neither black nor an American, but I believe African-American people when they talk about the terror they experience on a daily basis in their own country. I have eyes and I have ears, I know plenty of white people and have insight into how they think because I too am white and have been raised with similar bullshit. I have lived in Africa for years and seen things with my own eyes. I will never not take the side of black people when they protest racism anywhere and I will never not believe them when they talk about police brutality, race-based violence and systemic racism in countries built on slavery. 

Of course, I’m not saying racism doesn’t exist in other places and in other forms, but talking about one does not negate the other. 

Also, I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make about the West not being sexist because other places have it worse? I’m sure I misunderstood this, so forgive me if that is the case. FGM is terrible, yes, but that in no way invalidates other types of gender violence that still ruins the lives of countless women. Just because the women in, say, Saudi Arabia have it worse, that doesn’t mean that the women here or in the USA should not talk about issues that directly affect them (and, btw, I have absolutely been outraged about Saudi Arabia and FGM and shared posts about both). All are bad! This is not a competition. 

On the topic of you saying that America gets so much shit for its history, which you think is unjust, I have to mention that European settlers killed up to 95% of Native Americans in some areas in relatively recent history. Just days ago, I was reading an article about how they killed so many people, it actually changed the global climate! This is genocide on such a massive scale, my brain can’t even comprehend it, and yet here we are today, with Columbus Day and Thanksgiving as holidays while the surviving Native Americans suffer all kinds of indignity and discrimination, so no, I don’t think we are talking about it enough and I feel that America deserves all the shit it gets for its history. IMO, it is not getting enough shit! The fact that there are other issues out there that need to be talked about too and are being silenced does not in any way take away from any of this. 

Anyway, let’s not argue about which country is The Worst™ and which human rights issues are more worthwhile than others because that is pointless. We already agree that all governments are corrupt, that evil happened and is still happening all over the world and that all human rights issues are important. I firmly believe that if they were to be evaluated by a psychiatrist, 99% of all high-ranking politicians would be diagnosed with serious clusters of antisocial personality disorders. Most of them would do anything and the only thing stopping them is whether or not they can get away with it. The remaining 1% cannot really do much and keep both their conscience and political power intact. 

In any case, the last thing I want in life is to get into Tumblr discourse with LJ people, so how about we just put this behind us? Let’s agree to disagree on who is worse, Trump or Hillary, because that is a pointless disagreement, especially since neither of us is an American and this is getting out of hand. I feel like we are actually miscommunicating and talking about different things. We seem to be arguing different points, so all of it is coming off worse for both of us than it really should be. Also, I wish you hadn’t sent me this ask anonymously, because I now have no way of responding to you except publically, and Tumblr is seriously not a good place for this. 

On a happier note, I’m very glad that you enjoyed DC! I’m very sorry for the extremely long hiatus! Unfortunately, I’ve been going through things that stopped me from writing for a long time. I hope that one day I can still come back and finish that story, in spite of everything! Have a good day/night! :)

*hugs*