#and since the event starts tomorrow hopefully i'll be able to get a few letters in hehe

[cloudcountry]

i think i may have created way to much pressure on myself when i tell people to send stuff that theyve tagged me in that i've missed. like yes i'd love to be able to read everything you guys send me but im gone most of the day now and its just not possible anymore. it kinda makes me sad because ive probably missed out on so much because of the sheer amount of things in my mentions.

[michaelmyersofficial]

26/02/2024 Monday Night

Honestly I haven't posted much because I've been very busy but in a way that left it really difficult to post about. I had to go back to the dentist twice, because something went wrong the first time. Honestly I'm not entirely sure this will have fixed it, either. This is so much my worst nightmare, and has kind of put me in a really depressed position I don't know how to crawl out of. My family has gone on vacation now without me. This was a known event and I really don't mind it especially as it means they will allow me to go and visit my brother overseas. I am surprisingly nervous though, I've never flown across an ocean before. At the same time it will be wonderful to hang out with him and the d&d guys. I'm a bit nervous because I haven't finished any of the reading I told him I'd do (he bought me the books), but I have until the end of April, so I think it will be fine, probably. I also haven't finished writing out all the letters I meant to send everyone, but I have time yet for that as well. I also have to fill out a new character sheet for the next game, and that hast to be done for Thursday, so I might work on that tomorrow. I haven't really been eating well lately and Ena has been upset with me for it, but it's kind of been hard to. I don't know exactly what's been wrong but I have not felt hungry in awhile. Before they left my family had also considered signing me up for a course at the local community college and / or signing me up to the local YMCA. However, I don't have a swim outfit, and mother's suggestions just triggered dysphoria. I would like to try school, since I look up and do maths school work for fun anyway, but it's so expensive that I'm not sure the cost is worth it. Especially since I'm not really able to strive towards a degree of any kind, or actually work in a job because of my health. The government finally made a decision to deny me fully for disability, despite their own doctor arguing on my behalf. It feels kind of hopeless honestly. I know I can appeal both denials, and I will, it's just so disheartening because it's my only shot at getting the help I need and the people who care can't help, and the people who can help don't care. I have to call the advocate, likely tomorrow morning, and then I'll discuss in therapy on Wednesday. I can't really move forward on this until I call the advocate and talk in therapy, though. They also didn't tell me why they decided, ultimately, to deny me, and said that information will be in the letter they send. It's mostly just waiting games on waiting games on waiting games with them. I've also been having issues with a friend of mine. I love them very much but they've said time and time again that they're going to do something and then don't even try to do it and don't discuss with me what's going on. They said they wanted to come and stay with me, but we've planned twice now for that to happen, only they need to finish their school work first since they dropped out years ago and wanted to complete it. I agree that this is a reasonable goal, but they just. . . Don't actually go to their classes yet act as if plans have never changed even though they can only come here after the classes are finished. In addition, all the money that is needed to make that trip could be saved in a month or so from their job- but they keep spending everything to the last cent on gacha games. It almost feels like they don't really want to come and they're sabotaging but then they act possessive of me and talk about being here like it's a dream of theirs. The whole thing doesn't feel right to me now though, since they've started acting this way (just a few months ago). I guess the dentist and tooth thing has really been getting to me because I don't really know if I've been as busy as I think I am but it's sure felt like it, and I've missed out on a lot of fun things because of that stress.

I do have some plans for the upcoming week, so hopefully I can get back into a regular schedule and things work out for me.