#all of my posts have been downers lately I AM SO SORRY

[cloudcountry]

i think i may have created way to much pressure on myself when i tell people to send stuff that theyve tagged me in that i've missed. like yes i'd love to be able to read everything you guys send me but im gone most of the day now and its just not possible anymore. it kinda makes me sad because ive probably missed out on so much because of the sheer amount of things in my mentions.

[shakingparadigm]

I'm glad we have someone like you in the fandom and that you started a youtube channel too. It feels less lonely I guess! Everything you post (theories,art,informations,jokes) is in my opinion so interesting,creative and detailed. I don't really send asks but I really had to tell you that I appreciate all of this,not what you simply post,but create too! I believe after Alien Stage will end,I will miss your posts about it but I'll have a good time remembering the days before a round was dropped,where we all assembled there to scream in fear (AVENGERS... ASSEMBLE LOL) and I'm sure I'll continue visit even if you'll talk about something else,with Vivinos content here and there if qmeng and the team will post about it etc!

One thing that makes me more conscious about ''IvanTill tragedy'' is that... Ivan loved the idea,the meaning,he had of Till,because he never got to be seen by him,got to express himself and be something for Till,which means getting to really enter Till's world. So I think at some point he asked himself ''What do I love'',which led him to the circle of reasons we deduced from their backstories,reason of the words chosen in the official art,where he says ''shallow feelings''... but they weren't shallow at all... And I think this is so sad,that he could not feel the depth in it,or understand his emotions... It's so sad we don't have a glimpse of Till's pov... Thank you for reading this until the end,I'll silently return in my den :)

Sorry this turned into such a long and awkwardly sentimental post,,,, ;;

Thank you....!!!

I'm really happy that you think of me so nicely, even if my posts and speculations are off the mark... or if the things I make are truthfully not very good. Even if they're mediocre at best, I still put a lot of my heart into them. I've always had a lot of things to say, but I never really opened myself to speaking about them until earlier this year. It feels really nice and comforting to share everything and be responded to with the same level of enthusiasm. I keep repeating myself when giving my thanks, but it's just because I will always be grateful to everyone I've talked to so far. That will never change. Thank you for taking the time to send me an ask! It really means everything to me. Let's focus on enjoying ourselves and anticipating what's to come! Even though Alien Stage is bound to end, we're still only halfway there!

I genuinely would like to thank you for your support. I wouldn't hold it against you if eventually you lost interest in my blog later down the line, but the fact that you'd still want to visit even if I end up switching to other things is so kind. I can't put down everything I'd like to say in a way that sounds coherent, and I undoubtedly am making this a bigger deal than it has to be, but from the bottom of my heart I'd like to thank you and everyone who has been so so kind to me. Truthfully I'm still unsure about whether or not I even deserve it, but I want you to know that I appreciate everything. I remember everything, too. Right down to the first few people who shared their thoughts to me back when I first started this blog!

I'm sorry if I seem like a bit of a downer, or if I seem less active lately? Less present or something like that. There's a lot that I've been going through lately (to add on to that my damn house flooded. yikes. currently staying at a friend's right now), and it honestly worries me to think about a lot of things, not to mention all the asks that I haven't been able to answer yet... I'm so sorry. I'll get to them eventually, I promise! They mean a lot to me and I want to do them justice with an answer, but some days I just can't find it in me to put thoughts into words.... once again, I'm so sorry. I don't want to make it seem as though they're a burden or anything, though! It's genuinely the highlight of my day to receive one.

Your perspective on Ivan and Till is worded so wonderfully. It truly is tragic that Ivan views his feelings as shallow, especially when in reality they're so complex and all-encompassing. Someone who loves so fervently and desperately (obssessively) actively denies themselves something as simple as the validation of their own feelings. Ivan viewed so lowly of himself until the very end, believing that he was never able to mean anything to Till (You don't care about me is such a devastating line). Ivan's emotions are complicated on purpose, his character was designed with the intention to confuse. It's stated that only Ivan himself can truly know what he's feeling, but even then he is an unreliable narrator and is too deep in the throes of self-loathing to allow himself any mercy. Constantly at war with himself, even just moments before his demise.

Ivan is described to have the most flawed personality out of his peers ("twisted"). The fact that he hones in on this aspect of himself to the point where he cannot see himself as anything of worth to the people he cares about is so profoundly sad. A flaw within itself, the perfect recipe for self-sabotage.

Till's perspective on Ivan is desperately needed, even if it wouldn't make a difference to the present circumstances. When speaking of Ivan's feelings for Till, VIVINOS mentions that one cannot simply move on from such deep-seated and long lasting emotions in just a short time. Surely Till would share this sentiment, right? Constantly overwhelmed by his own heart, wouldn't Till mull over the feelings that drove Ivan to sacrifice? Wouldn't he dwell on the impact that Ivan has made on his person? What form does Ivan take in Till's memory? One cannot move on from feelings like this so easily, and although Till didn't feel for Ivan in the same way, it's undeniable that he at least felt something.

So far (iirc), the only official statement of Till's feelings towards Ivan is that Till found him strange (and vice-versa, but Ivan was fascinated and attracted to Till's "strangeness" while it seems that Till was... less so...). Although it makes sense that Till is so protective of his true feelings, it would be nice for his thoughts on Ivan to be expanded upon, just for some semblance of closure.

(Sorry if this went off-topic.... or if my answer ended up being off again haha but thank you genuinely for the ask. I appreciate it more than you could ever know).

[princeescaluswords]

Hello, sorry to bother. I just wanted to thank you for your continuous passion for TW and especially Scott. I've recently rewatched the show for the first time in 10 years, and he's always been my favourite, but I kept my distance from the fandom because of how bad it was towards him – and ended up pulling away entirely for a while. It's sad to see it's still not much better, but your blog is a delight to me because I finally see someone who gets it. Have a good day 🐺

Your words are very kind. While I find the effort rewarding, I am most certainly tilting at windmills. The fandom will only be able to change through attrition; the appreciation of Scott McCall as a character as he deserves will only fully happen when there's no one left to notice.

I'm sorry for being a bit of a downer, but there was a very interesting post by @liplessthomas14 where they mourned the lack of "Bad Friend Scott" stories that actually address the problems in Scott and Stiles's friendship. They're absolutely correct. While I would never see the need for that tag, there could have been an entire genre of Teen Wolf fanfiction and fandom content which analyzed the flaws in a powerful friendship. But there isn't, and there won't be now. It's too late. The damage is done. We have 2218 works on AO3 labelled as such, and I would generously estimate ten times that many which simply taken the idea that Scott was a bad friend to Stiles for granted. That's one out of seven stories published and very, very few of them aren't simplistic one-dimensional hit jobs.

Instead of understanding the role of Scott and Allison's relationship in the story, 95% of the fandom believes that Scott was obsessed with her and in doing so, left Stiles behind. Of course, they have to ignore the more-than-half-dozen times that Scott risked his relationship with Allison for Derek or Stiles, including the fact that Season 2 was entirely about Scott putting saving lives of people who didn't like him above his relationship with Allison. They have to ignore that there was never a scene where Scott left Stiles behind for Allison or popularity, for that matter. They have to ignore that Allison was Scott's anchor and that this was important, including ignoring this blatantly lampshading scene from Party Guessed (2x09):

Isaac: Then how do you control it? Derek: Find an anchor. Something meaningful to you. Bind yourself to it. Keep the human side in control.

The show came out and said "In order for Scott to exert control over his lycanthropy so he can save others rather than be a danger to them, he needed to bind himself to Allison, a girl with which he fell in love." and the fandom has spent the last 13 years pretending that the show didn't have repeated scenes demonstrating this very need. We can all accuse Jeff Davis of being unsubtle, but he seemed to have known that he simply could not be unsubtle enough.

Instead of understanding the purpose of Stiles (and Derek) as a foil(s) for Scott, I would estimate that 95% of the fandom believes that the show, as one person put it, undermined Stiles or Derek's story for Scott's benefit, an idea put forward again and again with no basis in storytelling. Stiles had two whole seasons dedicated to his story and the only time he wasn't an important character in the other seasons was when the actor didn't want to be there. Scott, on the other hand, spent the first 36 episodes of the show cleaning up the Hale family mess on their behalf and then accepted being given their role of protecting the town. Of course, the fandom has taught itself that, contrary to the actual writing, it was Derek and Stiles's right to be the focus of the show.

Think of it this way, after all the emotionally resonant "Stilinski family feels" which the fandom loves so much (and they were meant to) and then couple that with the fact that Stiles had more scenes, more screen time, and received more on-screen comfort from Scott's parents than Scott did. I'll never get over the fact that we had an entire season of everyone talking about how much they love Stiles and how important Stiles was to them, and it wasn't until the final season (when Stiles was gone) that someone told Scott she was worried about him. As I like to point out, imagine Stiles being kidnapped and taken to a foreign country or badly injured and the Sheriff not being involved. His parents being absent during crises happened to Scott three times, and the majority of the fandom never noticed.

Instead of taking the time to explore the motivations of every character and not just their favorites, 95% of the fandom indulge in racist tropes that allow them to ignore huge plot points and then complain about plot holes. Deaton is sinister, cryptic and/or unhelpful, when scene after scene depicts Deaton offering good advice and help for which he receives no reward. Scott is stubborn, angry, and simplistically moral (black-and-white thinking) towards white male characters who should be in charge, when there are repeated scenes showing him willing to work with Derek and Chris Argent, Theo and even Peter for pity's sake.

That's why the fight in Lies of Omission (5x09) is one of the most fundamentally misconstrued scenes in television history. Instead of seeing that Theo cleverly used the flaws in Scott's and Stiles's relationship to drive them apart so he can isolate and neutralize Scott, the fandom reduces it to Scott casually and immediately tossing Stiles out of the pack for killing someone in self-defense on the word of an utter stranger. Gone is the knowledge that Stiles has a history of lies and deception so deep it's become a running gag and a history of extreme violence in defense of his father; gone is the awareness that Theo had carefully cultivated Scott's overwhelming sense of responsibility as well as saved every single member of the pack, thus earning Scott's trust (the way Derek saving Scott's life in Season 2 was supposed to earn Scott's immediate obedience). Stiles, as a white male character, is entitled to hurt and deceive other people and receive understanding; Scott, as a non-white character, is expected to ask the right questions and get to the bottom of things even as Stiles yells in his face.

In conclusion, the fandom is poisonous because of the established core belief that Scott is unworthy to be lead protagonist and that Stiles (or Derek or Theo or even Peter) would have been a better one. This belief is so widespread and so strong and so in conflict with the story itself that it's hard to participate in the fandom unless you adopt it, and it's why there is always a struggle to think about the characters in nuanced terms. I'll keep trying, though.

[mishydraws]

Very... very unfortunate life update

Hi, everyone.

Ok, I don’t want to waste your time but I wanted to be upfront about what’s going on in my life just so you all know.

Last night I got what is probably one of the worst emails that could have ever appeared in my inbox? Our landlord has given us a 60-day notice to get out. For context, my mom and I have been living here since the year 2000. We have never been late on rent or missed a payment despite every difficulty life has thrown at us in that time and this has completely blindsided us.

We haven’t spoken to any of the neighbors yet but some of the wording on the notice makes me think that they may be kicking out the entire building. Or maybe they’re just targeting those of us in the non-renovated units because we’ve been here so long and they could charge a new tenant much more with a quick kitchen and bathroom upgrade. Renoviction is a new word I just learned. I don’t know. That’s what happened to my brother at his last apartment. They kicked out everyone in his building, renovated, raised the rent, then let new people move in.

They suddenly started increasing our rent every year like clockwork a few years ago so I’ve had a feeling they’ve been trying to price us out for a while but I didn’t know they could just… tell us to leave just because they can. Rent consistently paid up and everything for 24 years.

The notice we received really doesn’t say much so it’s all speculation I guess. It doesn’t state a reason why it just says we need to be gone by March 31st.

But basically, I’m really not doing well right now in all honesty. I slept for maybe an hour last night and it’s like a switch flipped in me as soon as I read the email. My stomach has had this weird knotted feeling ever since and I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes before needing to lie down again in case I either faint or vomit… I’m not sure which but it’s been this way since last night. I had to stand up at the sink to wash one singular dish from dinner and I could barely do it. At least I didn’t see the email until after I ate last night because I still have no appetite now.

However bad I’m feeling I know my mom is probably feeling worse. She has been for a while. She’s getting older and my dad is no longer alive. Aside from my brother and one irl friend I still see in person regularly, we have no family or other support system in this country and are well and truly on our own, staring down the barrel of homelessness if we can’t quickly secure a place and move decades worth of our life there before the end of March.

All of this to say, I don’t know what our usual art shenanigans here are going to look like during this time. I am incredibly stressed to the point where I am physically ill but I also can’t pause and step away because I do need the income that I receive from your support of me/my art here. It’s just the reality. I’ve never been particularly Big And Successful with what I do so your support means all the much more and makes a real impact on my life.

I am so sorry if this dampens your mood at all today or if you notice a decrease in the quality of art I’m able to deliver over the next few months but I will try my best to keep things rolling and let you know if there’s any particular delays to expect.

To top it off, I requested a tour of a nearby apartment last night (more expensive than our current) and the name of the person who just texted me back has the same name as our current landlord. Who wants to start taking bets? I know for a fact they own a lot of property in the area so this isn’t looking promising.

Anyways. Sorry for this downer of a post. If we’re not homeless in 2 months then… I dunno. I’ll have somewhere indoors to do art? Yay? You can imagine the housing market we’re dealing with being in California. The prospect of moving at this point has always been one of my biggest fears but we’ll see if we get lucky real fast 😢

If you've ever thought about supporting my Patreon or anything else, now and over the next few months might be a good time if you can swing it. Maybe it'll help us secure a place to move if I can point to it and be like 'Look! A whole income!' 🥲 Idk man.

There's an art update in the (public) post I made if you want to see what we're at least trying to work on for sticker club through all of this.

Mishy

[unveiled-if]

Sorry for the radio silence!

A... Lot has been going on. Idk if I've ever told this but I work two jobs at the moment, one as a restaurant manager and other within the navy, and it's grinding me to the ground. I have exactly 1 day off during the week and that's spent sleeping and crying, you'll know more as you read. If you don't, I get it. It's a bit of a downer post.

But working is fine! I like being a busybody, and I love working for both places. BUT.

My back/leg/hip/lumbar's given out. I don't know if it's the worst case of sciatica known to mankind or what, but it's been going on since last November and getting worse by the day. I'm 25 and looking at a future in early retirement (AT UNDER 30), it's that bad, and even worse for my psyche. Painkillers don't help (prescription/OTC, what have you), muscle relaxants don't work, physio doesn't work, one doctor even injected some cortisone for a whole separate issue and wow, surprise, that didn't work. I'm so close to going to the ER and asking for an amputation at this point.

Now, I know sharing this is kinda TMI, but I feel like you deserve a reason, the transparency why I haven't gotten around to posting lately. I've just been working (literally) through the pain, gone home, ugly cried from the agony, and passed out just to repeat the whole shebang.

And I can't not work. I'm so deep in debt, you know, in Finnish standards. I know 13k is nothing compared to some, but here it's a lot if I can't keep working.

I'm sorry for oversharing, but this is my reality right now, and I'm at my wit's end. I can't sleep, I can barely get out of bed. I can't tie my shoes. I can't pick up my niece, and I can't go out to spend time with my friends without almost overdosing on painkillers just to move. Sometimes only alcohol helps, and I don't want to do that because of the addiction running in my genes.

I want to scream and cry and leave this body for a better one, but I can't, and if this keeps going I won't be able to do anything and it scares the shit out of me.

I know the doctors are doing their best, but of course there's bias when I'm so young. We have to go through all the plausible treatments before surgery is even considered. Plus, I'm from a tiny town. Getting an appointment takes months, and then it's the same things all over again.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not giving you the updates you deserve. I still listen to music that inspires me, and I do write down ideas, but I can't bring myself to write more than a paragraph, once a week.

I'm sorry for not interacting or being as chipper as I usually am. It's just too much for me to handle all at once, I am but one creature.

But I'll try to keep up a positive outlook. Finland is a good country, with good healthcare, and I trust them to help me so I can keep paying taxes haha.

Sorry for a long, useless post, but you deserve to know. And maybe I needed to get it off my chest. My family is already tired of listening to me complain anyway.

Love y'all forever 💜

[moo-moo-moon-writing]

hi again :) if it’s okay then may I please request a few romantic headcanons of your monster oc?

A/N; Hi, I apologize for the late answer. Not to be a downer but my depression had me in a chokehold, yet I am so thankful for your ask! Thank you for asking again, here are the romantic hcs you requested. If you have any other questions you can ask/message me, I would be happy to answer. At the bottom will be the platonic hcs, as well links under that post for the other parts. Thank you for reading! (Also you said a FEW so I hope this is enough, sorry I am in a writing slump. I can make a part two if you would like, especially if you have more specific hcs you would like!)

TW/CW; Scary (?) monster, not really overly yandere, light mentions of missing/dead people, not detailed kidnapping, being held hostage, no hope, very (very) light manipulation, I did read over this over and over but there may be a spelling mistake...? I believe that is all. Perhaps teratophilia.

Word Count; 605… Sorry it’s a bit short. 

It is important to note that they will not be the one to start the romance, and if you want a romantic relationship… Tell them. Loving touches and stares and such is something they only deem as a romantic sort of thing, so they would not realize it.

Once you do mention it… They ask you to explain. They do not really understand things like dating and such, it is not common in their species to do such a thing. 

It takes awhile for them to get used to using the word “lover” instead of “friend”, yet it makes them happy knowing that you are the only one they call that, as well as the other way around. 

They… Can hold you. Cuddle you, they will be gentle in general, yet they are also confused about the concept of kissing. They do not have a mouth, and while they can talk, they can not kiss per se. If you kiss them they do not realize the meaning behind it, until you explain it that is, and once you did… They can not get enough of it. Please kiss them all the time! 

Sleeping with them is also interesting, for the fact that everything is so floaty within the Dark-Realm… So you both will literally be floating around in the dark room, bouncing around oh so slightly like the bubbles along a laptop screen (if that makes sense help). They will not let you get hurt by the walls or floor, they are wrapped completely around you, yet do they really sleep…? Answer is sort of. They often just rest yet are awakened by any noises you make, yet are also calmed by them. 

You get to have more TV time! They may even float in the corner and view it as these dates you mention, and they will react the same to Earth time as well. Spend more time with you, be perhaps a bit more clingy in the shadows, yet do they get jealous about you spending a lot of time with others (even as a couple)...?

The answer is no. They are not easily jealous in general, and it does not change with you both being a couple. They are still very loving, yet they do not get the concept of falling/crushing with more than one person, so they do not see any impossible issues with someone being touchy with you. You can ask them to act jealous, but… They may perhaps scare the other person to death. 

Like being friends, you can name them, yet admittedly, they will respond more to the term “lover” more than other terms. They still appreciate the name however, and will show off that and their pet name to others of their kind. 

With dating being a rare, rare thing in their kind, marriage has never been done. It would be something you would also have to initiate, and even then they do not get it. You guys are already bound together by this dating thing, what is the point of that? Unless if you were really insistent, it would not be a thing. 

Ah, the marriage would be on earth, at night, perhaps near the woods or in a really dark and shady building. Your friends, both human and nonhuman, would all be invited, and you would have to wear black. Again, they do not like the light nor pure white, so traditional weddings look so ugly to them. 

I may make a part two either way to discuss marriage, starting a family, all that jazz, yet I would be more motivated if requested so… 

Platonic HCs;

[p-redux]

Hello P-! Are you very busy in RL? Or is there really no news or gossip?

Hi Anon, I've got RL stuff going on and I'm also in one of my "meh" fandom moods.

I've gotten a ton of Anon Asks in the last few days but they're mostly asking me about stuff I've answered a million times (Google is your friend, my friends. Go to Google and Search P-redux or fortruthseekers (my old Tumblr account) and whatever topic you're searching for and voilà).

OR asking me about stuff I'm not interested in (I don't pay attention to David Berry or who he's dating). OR "What's your favorite episode of Outlander and why?" (Um, I've made it abundantly clear my blog is not about the show). OR making the same stupid accusations "Sam is gay and this is why..." (Even though I've posted at length all the reasons why it's clear some is NOT gay, including several people I've talked to who know Sam personally). OR "there's no way Sam and Cait never dated," (Again, I've talked exhaustively about this, including posting what several people I've talked to who know both Sam and Cait have said...in short, NO, they never hooked up). OR just yesterday "Who is Paul Camuso and what is his role in the fandom?" OMG, catch up, people.

I guess because I've been in the fandom for 8 years, people think of me as some kind fandom encyclopedia... and I am, but this encyclopedia is TIRED (and has a real life outside the fandom) and now that there's this handy, dandy thing called the INTERNET--all the info I've posted before is literally just a SEARCH away. I understand that sometimes Archives on my blog don't show all my posts, but Google usually does. Again, Search Google for P-redux or Fortruthseekers or even Purv and the topic you're looking for and it should be there.

The other TON of Asks I've gotten lately are all Karina Elle related. "Do you think Sam and Karina are engaged, married, soulmates, buying a puppy together, will he see her for her birthday in November, has she met his family?!?!?!?!?!" OMG, every speculative question under the sun and with so much energy behind it ?!??!?!?!. I'm literally waiting for someone to ask me if I know if Sam and Karina fart in front of each other. Hahahaha. Anyhooo, I'm not big into fantasy scenarios and I don't ship Sam and his significant others, I'm into reality and FACTS. Sooooo, when I get some facts again, I'll post them.

Sorry to be such a downer, but for those that are new, I'm semi fandom retired, I'm not going to be on here all day answering all my Asks. When I answer something it's because I think it's relevant, or if I have extra energy that day, I may answer something I've answered already, BUT for the most part, I only answer about 10% of what's in my Inbox. So, if your Ask doesn't get answered, it's usually because it's one of the categories I mentioned above. I like to keep my content pretty streamlined and with NEW info. If I answered every Ask, then the new or relevant info would get lost.

Again, I feel badly if I'm coming off as negative Nellie, but "meh," I'm in a mood. Love you guys though! Don't hate me too much. 😘

[stormboundscholar]

An update

Days 35,36,37,38,39/100 of Productivity

Hi everyone, welcome back to my blog! I missed a couple of posts again (sorry for that) so I have a lot to talk about! The last couple of days were nicer to me so at least this one won't be too much of a downer. I am going to split the post up into two parts so that it's easier to read, let's get started.

Part 1:My day to day

I was feeling a little down the last time i posted. It's often hard for me to lower my expectations. Still, I think that it was important for me to realise that I may have been getting in over my head. Thanks for your support, I haven't figured out how to talk with commenters or reply to comments so I couldn't tell this without a post, but I wanted to tell that your words were encouraging to me.

It was still a little sad. I had school on Friday, so I went to bed and tried to sleep it off. I am happy to say that it worked.

Friday was pretty nice. They send us home a bit earlier on Fridays so I got home at 3, and I started studying right away . It was a bit boring but it was still really nice imo, as I actually finished all my assignments that night. I was free to do whatever I wanted in the weekend.

I am a bit sad to say that Saturday and Sunday went a bit worse than I expected them to go. I didn't actually have anything to do so I decided to study some maths. I took my study books and workbooks and I started to revise some topics that were challenging for me.

I couldn't do that for long though, chores interrupted me a couple of times, and I couldn't get back to work. I just got caught up with social media and also wasted some time playing a game that I found online.

I think that it should be OK to spend some time online but sometimes I get a little worried. I used to have a very bad Internet addiction and I have to control myself to avoid returning to my old habits. I think that everything is under control for now though.

Monday and Tuesday were just average. School days are usually pretty routine as I get home late and school isn't really a place to do anything fun. Still, it is a bit easier to concentrate on my studies in a boring environment so I managed to do a lot of work!

That's all for now. I have written how much I studied below like usual, so you can take a look if you want to. Good night everyone, and good luck!

Part 2:My Studies

Friday:

1 Hour of Geometry

1 Hour of Literature

3 Hours of Maths (Integral Equations)

1 Hour of Philosophy

Saturday:

4 Hours of Maths(Derivatives)

Sunday:

6 Hours of Maths( A mix of some topics, revision)

Monday:

1 Hour of Biology (atp production, fermentation etc.)

1 Hour of Literature

1 Hour of Maths (Binomials)

3 More hours of Biology (Plant Biology)

Tuesday:

1 Hour of Biology (Ecology)

1 Hour of Literature

4 Hours of Organic Chemistry

Overall pretty nice couple of days. Saturday and Sunday were a little bad but I think the weekdays made up for them!

[justaredheadf1fan]

First one in the US is here

Well, hiyah!

That gif made sense seeing all the spectacle going on in Miami since yesterday. Not a fan, but what can I do?

I'm starting to think about stopping this blog not even halfway through the season. Just because with a job with such random shifts and maybe only 2-3 free weekends (Barcelona being one of them since we're attending once again) until I'm done in October keeping it up seems kinda tedious ngl. I'll see what I decide in the next few weeks, I'm still getting used to the adult life again 🤣

Press conference - Thursday

I haven't really paid attention to what was said in the pressers, plus they didn't talk about anything interesting whatsoever.

The most interesting thing was about last weekend's drama between George and Sid the Sloth due to Crofty's question. George really is a mood right now. I mean, it was just an inchident, problem with a certain someone is still that he can't take it when someone pulls the same crap as he normally does.

But that's about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll pay more attention, but there's no promises.

Free Practice 1 - Friday

Well, in all honesty, I've watched the first session without watching it. I was drying my hair while FP1 was on and I didn't really pay attention.

There was some trouble for George apparently that they had to fix before he got back on track, the track is almost brand new since they changed the shitty ass tarmac so they all needed to try different set ups to see what works and what doesn't in this new bore of a circuit. Nothing new, all in all.

Hülkengberg did crash with like 20 or 25 minutes to go and the session was Red Flagged immediately. Quick job for once, wish the FIA took it this seriously every single time.

Other than that, the only interesting enough information is having George, Lewis and Sharl respectively on the Top 3. What a sight for sore eyes, am I right? 🥹

It might be a little too late to watch FP1 but I need to take advantage of the free Friday although I'm getting up early tomorrow for work...

Free Practice 2 - Friday

Okay, not the day to watch F1, truth be told. I'm getting ready for bed while I watch FP2 🤣 I'm being so unserious today it's actually funny. Anywho.

Grape Scotch (this reference might be too "obscure"), that save from Kevin!!!!! He missed the wall by less than nothing, phew!!!

Besides that especial someone having troubles with his car's insides, the rest has been really quiet. Even though I've been busy while watching, I've been paying more attention to this one, all for nothing.

SHARL AGAINST THE WALL, NOT AGAIN!!!!!!

Geez, thank goodness it was close to the end and nothing else happened. What a bore. When I wanted some excitement I didn't mean my boy crashing!!!

Anywho, more tomorrow. I might die of lack of sleep but I'll watch from my grave then 🤣

Free Practice 3 - Saturday

Ladies and gents, I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION. You could say that I dislike this GP and you'd be right. It's not interesting, DRS zones have been shortened, nothing's going on. You name it.

I mean, there's really no point in watching this atm. I couldn't be any more bored. This race for me looks more like a circus than a sport. Well, nowadays all of them are, but Miami is the worst representation. It's more important having celebrities and events unrelated to the sport than the actual race weekend. It's sad. I miss the old F1 so much.

It's been painful to write this crap of a "summary", because you can't even call it that. So unmotivating 🤣

I'm sorry this is such a downer, not proud of it. But I feel like if I don't even try and watch it all and make a post and everything I'd be failing my resolution toward this blog.

Anyway, I'll watch Quali later. I hope it's more interesting. I really hope it is.

Peace out!

[pwblogarchive]

September 2007

September 11, 2007

“folie a duex”

sometimes the planets align

sometimes they dont

its like how part of my childhood was stolen when they took planetary status away from pluto

well be there one day

honestly i dont mind you saying fuck you to me-

when you included the "horse you rode in on"

it kind of went to hell

i am sick- like i cant ever get enough sleep or time or words

as this thing grows i become more and more insecure.

cant look anyone in the eyes-

i am paranoid- worried sick that i am not good enough for anyone who looks at me

i know how ridiculous this sounds

trust me

the new video makes me feel the big black sadness

folie a deux is the idea of shared madness- the scientific term for romeo and juliet

i have a feeling that we share that with eachother when you have your headphones on

currently working on: taking it easy-

dont mean to be so heavy just want you to know why i look so gray sometimes lately.

September 14, 2007

after the pornstar john holmes career deflated he turned to showing up at LAX and stealing peoples bags off of the conveyor belt.

i watched someone do this to me at the airport today.

i am obsessed with the change that can turn in the world.

that is what our new video is about.

why was every question about 'how bad is britneys performance gonna be' and not about anything that truly matters in this world.

sometimes the message is more important than the art.

later on we will release a remixed version that includes more of our personal experience in africa.

for now i am content to see the love between these two and the way the civil war that rages around them affects it.

its hard to imagine that they are just like the kids that show up at our shows, only born in a different country...

vintage louis vuitton bags under the eyes

the marlbo-glow

i need him more than he needs me, he needs her more than he needs me and so on.

theres nothing new under the sun

but were reading on existentialism in the shade.

i am so in love with YOU and the idea of YOU listeing to the music and singing the words.

i know its weird but i like to imagine what you are thinking when its playing.

if it werent for that i am not sure where i would turn.

i guess this is another halfhearted thank you. just because you keep tuning in.

"dont you think its insane how donald duck never wears pants?"

life is better when youre around.

but yes i do think its insane.

September 22, 2007

eyes the size of the moon.

iron and wine "the trapeze swinger"

Posted by xoat 1:35 AM

September 26, 2007

isnt it ironic how "ironic" has no ironies in it

havent slept in days.

think i am starting to crack.

my room is thrashed, covered in matter that doesn't matter and i almost cried while watching garden state- i think its not funny anymore.

sick of watching what genius is.

sometimes genius is being completely ordinary.

when i look up at the sky i want to eat the stars.

its daylight again, everything goes back to being boring.

nothing too much to say. just gonna watch the world spin this

Posted by xoat 1:17 AM

September 28, 2007

i dont know if has been apparent or not but in the past year or so i have become so insecure its insane. it blows my mind everytime i leave the house i feel weird. strange. i feel like everything i do ruins something of my friends or my band or the songs i love. i feel like i am constantly on the defense, like i have to work so hard just to make people not hate me that i am not even myself. i havent been able to look the front row of the crowd in the eyes and hide in the back most of the time because i am so insecure with myself.

but for some reason tonight that all changed. the show tonight i connected. i felt the electricity. the light came back on. it felt so good. thank you to all that were there.

sorry. not trying to be a downer or a "poor me" kind of thing, its just been a weird adventure. it feels good to plug back in. this journal entry was one i wrote a year ago this week when i think i was pretty sure id die at age 27 (glad i didnt):

"i couldnt stay away.

the words are obsession and always have been.

heartache lite. diet love.

i am a catch and release boy.

kind of.

put summer in a pine box.

i went to sleep in june and woke up in the middle of september.

making out on stretchers, getting some in the back of an ambulance.

my hips are dry docked.

love is incidental.

the best verus the rest.

'they wipe their feet on our dreams'.

ive got 27 years hiding in the smile wrinkles of my eyes. the real ones and the fake ones take up the same space in the skin.

noone gives a fuck about eyes that are always leaking.

besides youre just hushing headboards that are always creaking.

its become apparent that there may be no one thinking of you the way i do at this very moment.

were "out of the woods"

but i am in love with the tree i used to lie under.

eyes green with envy or brown and full of shit.

or somewhere in between.

i want this to be a remix of our nighttimes."

the smiles lately have all been real. except sometimes its hard to smile when theres a camera in your fae and your just trying to get through the day. gonna try to fuck up less. nothing poetic about it: maybe things are about to get better, maybe theyre gonna get darker. i am in love with everything that is broken and sometimes i like it that whats broken is in love with me. forever kids are magnets for eachother.

anyway, finally got the chance to catch up on my insomnia and read a bunch of your letters. they keep my head straight when i get it cloudy. thanks for sticking it out with me- not like as some guy on a stage- but as an honest connection. it means alot.

ok back to being negative and pouty.

sleep tight or have a good day.

[xonceinadream]

I’ve done a bit of working on fic lately. Seblaine (obvs always), trying to finish my Smile fic. Romance club, love island the game, wwe. So I am trying.

But my health has taken a severe toll. I ended up in the er a few weeks ago and have been really sick since. I’ll be seeing the cardiologist next week because my heart is really irregular. Doctors are kind of thinking POTS but they obviously want to rule out other possibilities.

But it’s been rough. I have a lot of symptoms. As a super active person, it’s been rough. I had to cancel my trip to the Grand Canyon which was a serious blow to me as I’d been training for a year. But I almost died (I am not exaggerating) just doing 5 miles the other day when I could do 20 easy before this started.

So the dizziness is one thing. But the brain fog is impacting my life. My sister has been joking and calling me early onset dementia and that’s what it feels like. I was toying around with a wwe fic earlier and couldn’t figure out why tital (I was going for title) wasn’t spelled right. I don’t make those kind of mistakes. Earlier I brought a water bottle to my lips, forgot I was doing it halfway and dumped it on myself. I had a cough drop in (got sick in Philadelphia and still kind of symptomatic which makes the symptoms so much worse) and forgot and took a big gulp of water and probably almost killed myself choking on the cough drop.

No real reason for this post just a little update on my health and the status of my fics. I had some great Seblaine week ideas that I’d still like to post. I have so many stories in the works. And I’m not going to let this stop me. Just… slow me down a bit.

As always I hope you’re all doing well and sorry for such a downer post 🫶

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

the thing is all you do about p3re is salt about it. I'm disappointed by a lot about p3re too but I don't go as far as you do and be a downer all the time. you've been accusing it as a p5 game with the p3 skin which i think is disingenuous, because they were giving p5-esque updates to a 2002 game, a game over 2 decades old

im just happy that you're not one of those people who are hoping that p3's ending would be changed.

there are people saying that the answer is a retcon to the p3 game because mc did not die in p3vanilla and the answer retconned that.

but anyways... im just sad that everytime you post about p3re its all just salt.

Kinda feeling bad for P5 atm, since I've been dragging that dead horse for much longer. TT0TT But I think you're right, even tho I don't talk about it as much, but I've been mostly dragging P3R......

I'm going to be honest........as they come out with stuff, I haven't found a whole lot to be happy about:

(addressing the P5 point here since it goes hand in hand The P5 comparison, and the one I have the most issues with are portions of the UI (I still never published that damn asks did I? shit damn it, well it's buried I'll have to get it at a different time). There's def gameplay features they've added (but more or less I expected them, and actual gameplay changes I'm.....a bit more lenient towards tbh, battle systems will evolve and I accept that). Plus there's the new SEES outfits which are.....very P5 coded....and a strange "we gotta add this!" type of change (aren't we "honoring P3"? why do they NEED a new outfit? Why can't we just have a costume called "PT costume" like the PT got a "Shadow OPs" costume?). THAT BEING SAID....I don't think I've brought up the P5 comparison since the SEES outfits tbh. At least...I thought I was more focused on P3R itself lately...... I should go back and compare it and see just how much influence of P5 I think is on there now that the initial shock has wore off. (that being said....I tried glancing through my blog and....I don't talk about P3R often on here ;w; It's like maybe 70%neg, 30% pos/neutral? I think the last big blow up was the lack of the concept art being on the train? I feel like I've been very passive and silent about the game for the most part....not even talking about a lot of the ad art/trailers/interviews I dunno I just don't find I'm interacting with it much so TT0TT I get I'm being salty but I think P5 deserves to say "maybe ease off a bit yeah?" than P3R atm? sorry if it's been overly salty for you tho anon 😔)

They removed my fav MC. I love P3MC don't get me wrong, but I prefer FeMC. That being said, I love seeing them as a packaged deal. The work off each other so well. I hate how Atlus treats her fans it SUCKS. And IF we are lucky, she might be DLC???? I'm pissed at Atlus' DLC practices already, but this is a kick in the teeth. ;w;

They removed the Answser and Metis. Do I think the Answer is perfect? No. Do I have some issues with it? Yeah. But I love Metis, and good and bad, it's a big part of P3's story. And us not getting that is......really bad imo. Plus the possibility of MORE DLC???

They removed key gameplay features. Tired mechanic and split up mechanic being the biggest two (possibly reversals? I'm not sure on that, I don't mind reversals or even a play on the jealousy mechanic, I just think it needs to be reworked TT0TT). Two mechanics I loved and wished were in P4/5 tbh..... so yeah a bit salty, I've always felt it was a key feature of P3.

Still fucking DLC (not just P3R's fault, but still not a plus...or should I say negative?). And then the costumes aren't as good? TT0TT Thank god for the in game ones. orz At least they aren't making me pay for THOSE. DX

I....am not a fan of the new models and lighting. Soejima got me into Persona (I prefer the 25th anni art styles over this P3Rs), it's not that it's shit I just have a preference..... The lighting however.... and I've always kinda like Vanilla/FES's lighting scheme. There's parts of P3 that I just really love (the ones where they have special lightening and the rainbow). And P3R's.....just hurts my eyes ngl. TT0TT It's flat or bloomed, and then the models will look plasticy, it's just an assault on my eyes orz

Music.....I think I'm the kindest to the music, esp when covering the legacy songs. I don't mind covers. As long as I get an option to play the OG (I like options) then I'm fine. Edit: LOL NEVER MIND APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT THE CASE???? TT0TT WTF ATLUS??? I have some mixing issues (or Azumi's cursive singing) but even tho I labeled it as "salt." It's more of a "minor complaint" compared to other stuff on the list if I'm honest (maybe it'll sound better on my TV who knows)

Still no definitive version. It's related to FeMC/Answer, but really.....the damn questionnaires always listed Vanilla/FES/P3P. I know the biggest argument for a P3 remake was a definitive version. We still don't have that! I've been wanting one since before P3P was released! I knew this would be an issue! TT0TT

Maybe my salt is a bit more apparent because.....I love the originals......I mean I do have issues with them (Yukari/Junpei my be-loatheds), nothing's perfect, everyone has gripes about something even if they love it (*motions to the P4 fandom*). But with the new voice cast/possible translation (and new events) I'm willing to give them a chance (again.....like I always do orz).

I def don't want P3's ending to change. That being said, I'm not gonna be surprised if it does. "This might as well fucking happen" is my mentality atm (at best it's confirmed P3R is a new timeline, which I can dig but......is it really so hard to have one definitive ver???? orz). TT0TT If atlus really wants to keep using P3MC in future games (or heaven forbid FemC to an extent!) they really should play into the multi timeline. Might not be the P3MC we know as the SEES leader, but it's still a variation of him. (this way we keep the OG message in tact, explore/expand the lore, and still get to see an old face without "time warping/travel dream sequence" for the 1000th time, love those but moving forward is also good too TT0TT).

The answer.....didn't..... retcon..... TT0TT Ahhhh this is why the made the Answer, because people were confused. orz C'mon Atlus bring back the Answer! You've been screwing it over both in anime/movie and the manga like c'monnnnnn!!!! ;w;

*inhales* All that being said. I'm just weary. I'm hoping the end product is going to be a lot better than than it looks atm (and that's why I'm going to give it a chance, the complaints I have are from the previews). P3R has been in the perpetual state of "we're so back/it's so over" for me TT0TT It's tiring. And I'm just trying to keep my expectations on the ground (I've already been kicked and then kicked while I'm down with FeMC/Metis, I'd rather stay down until I know it's safe to get back up ;w;)

But there's been a few things that have been......highlights.

Hermit seems to be the same with all the emojis and such (I don't think they are voiced which is both sad and fun, cause I like trying to act out the L33T speak myself)

I think Female SLs have had a strong/confirmed leak that they have a friend route (please! TT0TT god I've wanted this so much!)

While I didn't get the option of SLing my male teammates ;w; I am getting episodes (which is in the vein of that and other stuff I've wanted!) AND there might be some big stuff with Strega which is also something I wanted! (as afraid as I am for flanderization, at least we're getting this!)

More Aigis/MC good stuff (at least in full 3D)

Midori's tweets are unfortunately giving me SOME hope for FeMC/Answer DLC. (unfortunate because it's DLC and cause I dunno if me hoping is good for my health atm)

There's some new songs that I like (even with my minor complaints)

we're getting a BMG randomizer???? Yay????? (I'm excited just confused TT0TT)

Tartarus looks decent, I'm hoping I like the gameplay loop even tho they've cut stuff I love! I'm hoping it's fun to explore!

I like the new upgrades to the presentation for the minor stuff (going to the arcade and such).

I like SOME of the design/UI choices (the white figures remind me a lot of the opening)

OP song is.......ok, pretty visuals. I like the visuals the most. (FES's song is still my fav tho)

As much as I'm resistant to idea (lots of pros and cons, so I'm very conflicted), a part of me is kinda hoping it's a new timeline ngl. I'm just afraid of what.......that entails tho. Like if it's a new timeline, it would explain some....differences and that would be cool. But at the same time I'm....afraid of them changing the ending. I guess I'm preemptively trying to soften the blow in case it happens?

I guess the confliction is "exploring something new" vs "actually honoring the original work????" (which I'm not really feeling they are doing atm).

I dunno, if they wanted to just do a new timeline experimental thing I'd rather they ruin/mess with P4. As someone who prefers P4 Vanilla and can easily just play that as my definitive version, I would've been more down with them messing with P4, and keeping P1/2/3 more faithful and creating a definitive version. Wait...."new timeline"....uhoh *opens up new post* Theory time ;w;

But...yeah I'm sorry anon. I didn't think I was posting about it THAT often tbf (I think the most I've said is on twitter and it's mostly been about the models/lighting fksjkldja but even then I don't think it was THAT often either).

Who knows, maybe I'll like P3R when it releases! Or maybe I'll ignore it and jus stick with FES/P. We'll find out later I guess. TT0TT

[vossoraptor]

So I hope people don’t mind but I just need to get my thoughts down and I really don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to right now. Don’t feel like you have to read it.

I’ve been having a really busy few weeks lately, my boss has made me do a lot of extra work (some of it not paid for) this project I’m in charge of and I’ve had to get my hands on a laptop for it. This wasn’t easy at all since I had to get it on a monthly contract since last months pay was bad.

Stuff at home isn’t great. My mother seems to be telling me a lot recently how useless I am while I work my butt off in the house trying to keep it tidy and the dogs happy. Ever since Gran passed away I don’t think my mother has felt with her feelings that well at all and she seems to take it out on me a lot. I honestly wanna get my own place but I can’t afford it and I can’t live alone, I get lonely very easily and I really don’t like it.

I was looking forward to finally hanging out with some friends tonight but it seems that one of them is really going through a tough time (that is probably worse than what I’m feeling tbh) and not long after our call decided to cut contact with everyone. I’m now so worried about them and angry at myself for not noticing they we’re going through shit. They are one I normally intrust with all my troubles but I can’t talk to them and burden them (not that it’s an option). I could talk to there partner who’s another really good friend of mine but I want them to concentrate on helping my friend.

Sorry for the long post and the downer. It’s probably just me overthinking things and being stupid but I just needed to get all this out somehow. If you read this thanks, I appreciate it.

[kritischetheologie]

☕️ would you write mpreg or ships having kids? which pair would you write for if ever? ofc, all are fictional.

my answer is a very qualified yes, discussion below the cut since I know some people do NOT wanna hear about it, it gets heavy be forewarned

so there's a couple things you can do with the abo-to-mpreg spectrum of fic. one is write really viscerally embodied smut. hell yeah. fun times.

but another, and this is kind of controversial to say because it's something people often criticize a/b/o for but we're doing late night hot takes with professor kritischetheologie here so i push through, is tell stories that are somehow about experiences of sex and/or gender, bringing those experiences back into the more or less strictly male blorbo-world.

(person 1: booo, a/b/o reintroduces sexist gender stereotypes and hierarchies

person 2: no it doesn't omg how dare you accuse us of that

me: but what if... i wanna tell a story........ about sexism and gender hierarchies.........)

(now obviously there's questions of Why Not Just Do a Straight Up Genderswap If You Wanna Tell Those Stories and like... that's not off the table either! but sometimes you want a little bit of distance from it! but we digress.)

there are some stories I could see myself wanting to tell, some vibes I could want to dig into. something I think a lot about and would love to Make Art About is the way that I thought I'd get at least a couple years of window between when people stopped telling me getting pregnant would ruin my life and my prospects and when people started asking me why I didn't have kids yet but those windows have, in fact, overlapped. just like wrinkles and acne did, albeit like 2 years later than those.

and like, sorry I'm going to be such a downer but. I have had friends who suffered infertility and miscarriages. I have had friends who had unplanned pregnancies, and made several different choices about them. I have had friends have miserable pregnancies even with very loved and wanted babies. human bodies are fucking brutal and human reproduction is, like, existentially horrifying on several levels and also one of the most fulfilling things in the world for a lot of people and often both at once and holy shit there's art I would love to make about it, but it would be hard. it would be really fucking hard.

love and light to people who write happy mpreg I love to read it I clutch it close to my chest but oh my god if I ever write mpreg it'll be rough. rough to read, rough to write. as you can tell from the length of this post I have a lot of shit I would love to work thru in writing but it's... a lot, yknow? I'm not going to talk about pairings right now, but there's some I've thought about, but it's kind of beside the point at some point.

(on the other hand, right now I do not think I have enough experience interacting with real human children to write a kidfic period. I have a hard enough time writing adults who sound like real people and I am one and interact with them all day. what the fuck do kids sound like?????)

maaaaaaaaybe a pre-verbal baby could like, magically appear in a fic lmao. I actually am a serious sucker for a Life As We Know It AU (blorbo 1 and blorbo 2 hate each other! but their best friends were married to each other and die tragically and leave BOTH OF THEM their baby to raise TOGETHER!! I wonder if they can do it without falling in love SPOILER THEY CANNOT!!!!!)

this post has been a downer so let's stay on the life as we know it au for a second. kind of fun to imagine because you obviously need the like Dream Lovely (Dead) Couple and then you need their Beloathed But Secretly Perfect For Each Other Best Friends and that's just like, so ripe for F1 nonsense. like.......... do you go fucking Dantteri on it????? Sewis died and each of them picked their Favorite Former Teammate to raise the baby so now Dan and Valtteri have to raise a child together?!?!?!?

DO YOU GO LESTAPPEN? BUT LIKE WHO LEFT THEM THE KID? NOBODY WOULD LEAVE THOSE TWO A BABY LET'S BE REAL

(for the 2011 crowd: mark and jenson died and mark named seb and jenson named britney and now sico are raising a baby)

idk fam spitball in the comments I'm sorry about all of my feelings

[feelyourhearttakingroot]

The Reader's Guide to Avoiding Redfly (and how to have a good time doing it)

“How’re you doing, kid?” Tom murmured in your ear. Your skin hadn’t started crawling yet, but it definitely would soon.

“Redfly, leave the girl alone.” 

A third voice - the voice of God himself, if it meant that Tom would let you go. 

Summary: Your friend Dina is dating Benny Miller, and drags you along to one of his fights before a night at a bar. His friends meet you there - Tom ‘Redfly’ Davis, who is too busy trying it on with you to think about his wife; Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia, who is a god made flesh; and Frankie ‘Catfish’ Morales, who agrees to help keep you out of Redfly’s clutches. But Frankie is not without his own charm...

Relationships: Frankie Morales x reader, side Santiago Garcia x Original Female Character, side Benny Miller x Original Female Character

Rating: First chapter is Mature, but it will be getting Explicit after that... 

Author’s note: I saw Triple Frontier last week for the first time and it has occupied my every waking thought since then. This is my first ‘x reader’ fic, so feedback is appreciated. Benny is my darling boy and I want to write him a loving af relationship even if it’s in the bg of this fic. I also don’t mean to step on toes but Redfly is the worst man and deserved to die a lot earlier than he did in the film. I am also obviously obsessed with Frankie Morales. Sorry if the formatting is fucked, this is the first fic I’ve posted directly to Tumblr in many’a.

Warnings: 18+ for frequent language, she/her pronouns, future smut but this chapter is just teasing.

Read on AO3.

Chapter One

The Fight

“The fight ends at 9pm, so we’ll be good to get to the bar by 9.30,” Dina said, leaning to within a hair's breadth of the bathroom mirror. Your arms twitched, hands opening and closing as you watched the safety pin come even closer to her eyeball.

“Dina, do you have to- the fight?”

“Yes, I need to separate my eyelashes, and yes, the fight.” She said, tongue peeping out between her lips. “Benny is fighting and he’s going to come with us to the bar afterwards.”

Your heart sank, just a little. Benny was a great guy, and you were happy for Dina, but it was always harder to get into bars when Benny ‘Brick Shithouse’ Miller rocked up with facial wounds and an ego after inevitably winning the fight. 

Apparently their post-fight sex was insane.

“So it’s you, me, and Benny?” you asked flatly, and she rolled her eyes in a way that made your hands clench into fists, with a vivid mental image of the pin sinking into her eyeball. She ignored you, of course, and started on the bottom lid.

“No, you prick,” she said, teasing each lash apart. She paused, and winked at you through the mirror “Ha. Prick! Get it? Sandy, Amy and Kelly are joining us - and Benny is bringing his friends.”

“William and Tom?” You were trying so hard not to be a downer, you really were, but you’d met William and Tom before and it was not a great experience. William - Benny’s brother - was aesthetically pleasing, and a lovely guy, but way too earnest about the purity of combat, while Tom was… a douche. A douche who clearly enjoyed his nights away from the wife a little too much. “Great.”

“Not just Will and Tom,” she chided, finally putting down the pin and fluttering her eyelashes at her reflection. “A few of his old squad guys are coming too.”

“OK then,” you said, and turned to leave.

“Where are you going?” Dina called.

“To get another drink.”

Based on the MMA prelude, you decided to rethink your outfit to something a bit less… showy, and had poured yourself into a skintight skirt with a shirt that helped accentuate your decolletage just right. So right, in fact, that you’d forgone a sensible coat in favour of a leather jacket that didn’t even close properly. The clothes did little to shield you from the cold, which explained why you had chugged nearly half a bottle of Smirnoff in the cab over. 

-----------------

Dina looked every inch the fighter’s girlfriend, she really did. You didn’t even know she owned a faux-fur coat. Her meticulously-separated eyelashes were currently fluttered together, shielding her eyes from her cigarette smoke. 

Not that it helped. Your buzz was fading fast with every second you stood out in the freezing cold parking lot.

Sandy hadn’t bothered to change her outfit - “Fuck it, it can’t be any dirtier than the bar.” - and was leaning against the arena wall wearing a mini dress that practically showed what she had eaten for breakfast. The woman had legs up to her neck, and more than one man had slowed his passage into the arena to get a good look. Sandy, with legs that long since she was fifteen, and a face that had been beautiful her whole life, flipped each one off with a casual laziness you could never hope to emulate. 

The three of you were standing outside the arena waiting for Tom and the others to arrive. The crowd was known to get rowdy, and Benny had been very firm with Dina about going in with his friends. William was already inside with Benny, prepping him for the fight.

It was so cold you were nearly tempted to ask Dina for a pull of her cigarette, just to feel some warm air, when -

“Dee!”

Your face locked into a grimace, and you looked down to kick a loose pebble from under your shoe, trying to regain control of your facial muscles by the time Tom got close.

“Tommy!” Dina yelled. “You’re late, what the hell?”

“Don’t blame me,” Tom said, “Blame these assholes.”

Two sets of denim-wrapped legs stepped into your view, and you huffed out a little sigh before looking up. Tom was standing in front of you, with his friend on his right. 

His friend. Who was the most gorgeous man you’d ever seen. He smiled at you, and you felt a small laugh escape you. 

What was that face? He looked like a Latino George Clooney. How did he get taken seriously in life?

“Hey, tiger,” Tom said to you, his lopsided smile showing a little too much teeth on one side.

“Hey… Tom.” you replied, raising a hand in greeting. He made a little ‘pfft’ sound and pulled you in for a hug, enveloping you in the smell of… dear god, was that Axe? 

You heard the crunch of gravel, and a movement out of the corner of your eye told you that the devilishly handsome man was currently introducing himself to Sandy. 

Probably wouldn’t have worked out with us anyway.

“How’re you doing, kid?” Tom murmured in your ear. Your skin hadn’t started crawling yet, but it definitely would soon.

“Redfly, leave the girl alone.” 

A third voice - the voice of God himself, if it meant that Tom would let you go. 

“This is my girl right here, Frankie.” Tom said, and the proprietary tone in his voice made your stomach turn. You should have just met them at the bar.

“Crazy, I thought your girl was sitting at home looking after your daughter and -” the second half of the sentence was in mumbled Spanish, and you heard a bark of laughter from the handsome man. A quick, rough pat on the back and Tom released you, already walking into the building as if nothing had happened.

The speaker was standing in front of you; a tall-ish man wearing a blue plaid shirt over a grey tank top, with a beat-up baseball cap on his head. Just as the phrase ‘hillbilly trucker’ crossed your mind, every thought in your head promptly vanished on looking up into his face. A pair of warm brown eyes were gazing down at you, creasing gently at the corners. He wasn’t built like Tom or William; they slanted more towards beefcake, where this guy was toned and slim. He was older than you - not a surprise, William and Tom were in at least their mid-40s - but it was a very manageable older. Unruly, curling brown hair peeked out from under his cap, and the man smiled, a shadow of a dimple appearing on his cheek.

The other guy was crazy good-looking in a movie-star way, the sort of hot that had made you laugh because it was almost unreal. This guy was the perfect side of handsome, mortal enough to take your breath away just a little and not make you feel stupid about it.

“Hey,” he said. “I’m Frankie.”

Maybe it was the dimples, maybe it was the fact that he had just saved you from a fate worse than death, or maybe the cold had finally gotten to your brain. Whatever it was, you barely knew what you were saying until you’d said it:

“And I am so fucking yours.”

So much for not feeling stupid. His smile widened, and your heartbeat quickened just a bit.

“Ignore Redfly,” he said. “He just doesn’t have good manners.”

Another burst of Spanish from behind you, from the dark-eyed Adonis near the door, and Frankie replied in kind, with an evocative hand gesture that you were pretty sure meant ‘fuck off’.

You finally turned to get a good look at the other man. He was standing in front of your friends, angled towards Sandy in a way that boded well for her. He was terribly good-looking.

“Hey, how’re you doing?” he leaned toward you, and took your hand in his. “Santiago Garcia.”

The man was on another level. You felt like you were meeting a politician. You told him your name as if in a dream. 

“That’s a beautiful name,” he said, looking into your soul, and you felt that laugh bubble up again. This was too much all at once.

Dina blew out one last plume of smoke, and threw her cigarette butt on the ground.

“Come on guys, it’s fucking freezing out here.”

----------------------------------------

The arena was chaos. Tom was nowhere to be seen, but he could have been standing two feet from you and you wouldn’t have seen him. He could have been behind you.

As the thought crossed your mind, a hand came to rest on your hip and you jumped sideways, ready to kick Tom in the fucki-

It was Frankie, hands suddenly up and visible, mouth framing a ‘whoa’ that you could never hear over the din of the crowd. You grimaced, mouthing sorry.

He gave you a tight-lipped smile, uncomfortable, and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He craned his neck to look over the crowd, toward the ring, and you stepped quickly toward him. Your hand raised, like you had the right answer in a classroom, and you tilted your mouth up towards Frankie’s ear. He scrunched his face and bent his head towards yours.

“Sorry,” you said into his ear, trying not to deafen him at this range. He smelled warm, and clean, a welcome respite from the arena’s smell of old beer and sweat. “I thought it might be…” one of your best friends, whom I loathe. “... a creep.” you finished lamely.

When you pulled away, he was looking at you so intently that a blush started to creep up your neck. Hands still in his pockets, he rocked back and forth on his heels as he processed what you said. His tongue worked in his mouth, pushing out his cheek, before he winked ever so slightly, and nodded.

He knew. He damn well knew.

Frankie grinned and pointed towards the ring, to where your friends had disappeared, before nudging you forward.

------------------------------------

Dina and the others were sitting ringside, by Benny’s corner. Dina had shrugged her coat in the sticky closeness of the arena, and was adjusting her top for maximum cleavage. Beside her was Sandy, deep in conversation with Santiago, and Tom sat beside Santiago next to an empty chair.

The single empty chair. 

Fucks sake.

Tom saw you both coming, and had a look of fake disappointment on his face that your hands twitched to slap off. He held his hands up in defeat, before patting his thigh. A quick scan showed that this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in the arena; the place was jammed so tightly that you counted at least seven people on laps in this section alone. A fire hazard, and a pain in the ass. 

You’re fucking kidding me.

You went to take a step, and felt a hand grip your arm. Frankie was sliding past you on your right, pivoting to sit in the empty chair. A shit-eating grin slid onto Tom’s face, and he patted his thigh again.

You’re fucking kidding me. 

Frankie still held your arm loosely in his left hand. Reaching over Tom, he nudged Santiago, who broke off from his conversation long enough to pass him a beer. Settling back into his seat, Frankie spread his legs a little too wide and steered you into the space between them. 

He looked up at you under the brim of his cap, his face out of Tom’s eyeline. The corners of his mouth curved downward and one shoulder shrugged, as if to say ‘Why not?’.

Lightheaded, floating on a mental chant of fucking hell fucking hell fucking hell fucking hell, you perched on Frankie’s knee, your knees pressing against his other leg. A quick glance at Tom’s face nearly made you yelp. The ham-coloured man was staring sullenly out over the ring, lips pursed around his mouthful of beer. The smile was nowhere to be seen.

Frankie shifted slightly, and with one hand on your waist pulled you closer until you were sitting mid-thigh. When he was satisfied, his hand moved to settle against your lower back, keeping you upright. The shape of the seat had his body angled away from you, allowing you to sit upright without being nestled against him. He leaned towards Tom and said something in his ear, something you could barely hear over the din. It was as if he’d forgotten you were there.

But not quite. Slowly, as if you were a wild animal he was trying to tame, his hand started to move in gradual, broad strokes, forward and back, forward and back.

Your stomach muscles locking tight was your only visible reaction, and you thanked baby Jesus and all the angels in heaven that Frankie couldn’t feel the way your pulse had suddenly picked up. Though that might not be far off; there was a warm throbbing between your legs that definitely hadn’t been there two minutes ago.

Forward and back. Forward and back.

This was totally normal. This happened to you every day. Every day you met hot guys and sat on their laps. Every day you got mildly turned on by hot guys stroking your back.

Looking over at Dina, the two of you locked eyes. Her grin was positively wolfish.

Fuck off, you mouthed.

You looked around, hoping that the people-watching fodder available would help take your mind off the hot man you were sitting on and what his hand was - 

As if Frankie could hear your thoughts, the rhythm of his strokes changed. Now, instead of moving forward and back, his palm started sliding up and down, with every pass downward bringing his hand closer and closer to the curve of your ass.

For a fraction of a second, your breath caught in your throat, and the pulse between your legs kicked up a notch. Trying to keep your cool, you casually - so casually! - looked over at Frankie.

Still absorbed in conversation with Tom. Fine. He clearly had no idea what he was doing, no idea of the effect he was having.

Your awareness was steadily narrowing down to where his hand touched you, to the vague sensation of warmth that each pass left on your skin. Reaching the hem of your jacket, he paused almost imperceptibly, before reaching under the leather to rest on the back of your shirt.

Dear god, were you disappointed he wasn’t touching your ass? Were you actually sad that this stranger wasn’t - 

A radiating sensation on your back, so warm and firm, and suddenly you could feel every little movement his hand made, the way his fingers were flexing against your skin so gently - 

Air you didn’t realise you had been holding escaped your lungs in a whoosh. 

“Getting bored up there, tiger?” Tom’s expression wasn’t as friendly as it normally was, and you were reminded why all of this was happening. This was purely for Tom’s benefit. 

“No, it’s fine. It’s…” you looked down at Frankie as he took a sip of his beer. His eyes met yours over the rim of his beer cup, and a smile crept across your face. When the cup left his lips, you took it deftly from his fingers and lifted it to your mouth. Your gaze didn’t leave his. Tom may as well have been part of the furniture.

The beer was not good, but you finished it, and ran your tongue over your lips. Frankie’s eyes tracked the movement, and you felt his hand pause, felt his fingers splay wide across the small of your back.

“It’s great,” you said, winking down at him. “But I think we need another drink.”

You placed a hand on his knee for leverage, and stood. Dina saluted you with her nearly-empty drink, and tapped at the low liquid level with one long fingernail. You nodded, and flashed the OK sign.

A broad chest blocked your view, and the smell of Axe surrounded you. You glanced up at Tom, who was shaking his own empty cup. 

“I’ll come too,” he said. “I could do with another-”

“It’s cool, man,” Frankie stood, easily slotting himself between the two of you, and gently but firmly took hold of your shoulders as he turned to the exit. “I got it.”

Empty cups and debris were strewn across the aisle, and you were beginning to regret wearing your heels for what was shaping up to be a fucking obstacle course. But you felt Frankie’s presence behind you, and if you put a little more sway into your walk than normal, so what?

Between a few stragglers at the bar, there was a gap just wide enough for the two of you to lean against the counter. You rested on your forearms, and flagged down the bartender.

------------------------------------

“Two beers, and a whiskey and coke.” 

“Make it four,” Frankie said. “I know it may not seem like it, but it is better to get Redfly liquored up. After about,” - his hand made a see-saw motion - “six drinks? He’s going to get real maudlin, start missing his wife, and go home.”

“Oh, yeah,” you replied, “He’s really missing his wife when he’s trying to put his hand up my skirt.”

His eyes flickered up and down your body, and he cleared his throat. One hand came up to scratch at his moustache, before smoothing it back down. 

“You know, I don’t blame him,” he said. “That skirt looks great on you.”

A low warmth pooled in your stomach, and you smiled. He smiled back, those beautiful eyes twinkling as he turned around to face the arena, elbows back on the bar.

“If I… go too far, in there,” he said, face suddenly serious. “You can just punch me in the face. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

The bartender laid your whiskey and coke down in front of you, and pulled out two cups for the beer. 

“Two more of those, please,” you told her, and took a sip of your drink. You knew you were a bit of a savage for drinking whiskey with coke, but your sweet tooth demanded nothing less. “Frankie, I’m not really OK with the idea of ‘being saved’.”

“That’s fair,” Frankie turned to the bar, and rapped a quick tattoo on the wood. “When we get back in there, you take the seat and I’ll -”

“But,” you raised a finger. “Your lap is pretty comfortable. And if you’re OK with having my ass on your knee all night, then I’m happy to stay there.”

A laugh escaped him, and you found yourself appreciating the way his moustache framed his lips so perfectly. 

“I think you’d be hard pushed to find a man who wouldn’t be OK with that deal.”

The bartender laid down four cups of beer. “$25.60.” 

Frankie laid out three $10 bills, and pulled the cups closer. 

“Do you think you could make sure Tom doesn’t put his hand up my skirt?”

He was intent on arranging the cups in a way he could carry them, to the point that you thought he hadn’t heard you. Just as you were about to repeat yourself, he flashed you a wicked look.

“Well sweetheart,” he smiled, “I’ll just have to get my hand there first.”

------------------------------------

As soon as you sat back down, it was like a switch had flipped. Your conversation at the bar had been light, to the point where you’d nearly forgotten that you’d actually been turned on a little at sitting on Frankie’s lap.

When you got back to your seats, and Frankie had handed off the beers he was carrying, he sat and pulled you down onto his lap in one fluid movement. No more tentative movements; he held your waist firmly, and pulled you even closer than before. And now, not only was his hand stroking your back again - he had put it under your jacket straight away - but his other arm was now resting on your leg. His beer cup sat on your knee, below where the hem of your skirt rode up, and he rotated it gently on your bare skin, almost teasing you with the cool feeling of the condensation on the base.

It drove you just a little short of wild. Though part of you wanted to shift against his thigh, wanted to feel some pressure right where an ache was steadily building between your legs, you kept it together fairly admirably. 

A wet patch on Frankies jeans probably wouldn't go down too well anyway.

A murmur from the crowd rolled towards the ring, and Pantera’s heavy guitar riff blasted through the speakers.

Benny was here.

------------------------------------

Ringside seats were… certainly something.

The smell of blood hummed in your nostrils, and you felt the impact of every punch. 

Benny was a monster. He had swaggered into the arena, head and shoulders above everyone, and proceeded to hammer the shit out of his opponent once the bell rang. Watching the way Dina was looking at him, you were very, very glad they were going back to Benny’s place tonight.

The six of you were standing at the ring edge, screaming and roaring with the crowd. Your blood was singing. Sitting on Frankie’s lap, his hands leaving trails of fire wherever they touched you, had rattled you something fierce, and the adrenaline from the fight was getting to you too. You didn’t think your pulse had slowed for about ten minutes, and you were breathing like you were climbing a mountain.

It was the last minute of the last round, and Benny was flagging. 

You guessed. You really had no idea who was doing better, both fighters were covered in blood and looked tired as fuck.

Santiago, Dina and Tom were rattling the cage, howling through the wire at Benny. The man was intent on his opponent, never taking his eyes off him. 

As you watched, Benny did an odd movement, stepping back, rotating his shoulders and head as his feet danced. You heard roars come from your friends, but were completely lost. 

“He’s about to kick the guy’s head off his fucking shoulders,” Frankie’s voice was low, and close. You felt his nose brush the outer shell of his ear, and you suppressed a shiver as his breath ghosted over you. He was standing behind you, so close that you felt his warmth up your body from ankle to neck. He reached over your shoulder, and pointed up at Benny’s right foot.

“You see that?” 

Benny’s foot was moving in a fan shape on the floor of the ring. He dodged as much as he needed to to evade blows, but whenever he was still his foot moved in that fan shape. 

“Why is he waiting?” Turning your head, your nose brushed against Frankie’s jawline. He smiled down at you.

“Not long now, sweetheart,” he said. “Watch.”

He stepped closer until he stood flush against your back, and crossed his arms over your chest to grip his own elbows. His beard brushed against your cheekbone, and you found yourself nestling further into his hold. He was just so warm and solid and - 

Benny moved like lightning. His opponent came too close, ever so slightly unguarded, and Benny pivoted on his left foot and -

“Fuck!” you screamed. Benny’s opponent hit the floor, and the arena erupted.

===> Chapter Two

[minetteenfers]

Note for fanfic updates like Adrien August specifically(Note that I just posted on it)

Summary: Updates will be slow because I’m suffering from really bad flare ups that haven’t let me chill for 5 days now and counting. Read below if you want more details LMAO

Hello! How are you all?

I debated whether to use talk to speech to write this note and then decided that I would just type it. Sigh. haha Some of you may know, because I don't hide it and feel like a broken record I'm sorry, I struggle with Fibromyalgia/PCOS/IBS/Anxiety/Depression. It would be easier to research Fibro than for me to explain it. XD It's different for everyone. Some have it worse than others. Some have it better. There are good and bad days and bad days are called flare ups. There is no cure for Fibromyalgia. It is also one of the invisible chronic illnesses. This means that when doctors look at me on a level of testing, there is nothing seemingly wrong with me but clearly there is. lol I have elevated inflammation, but otherwise on a medical level... I seem healthy and fine. However, that is not the case.

Fibromyalgia I got diagnosed with at this year? I don't even know. I've been suffering from it for months... or more without realizing it. Basically... on my worse days... I will be coughing, my sinuses will swell in my face and all over, my joints will swell and pop (all of them), muscles will pop and go weak and will spasm, pattern lights (flickering strobing... patterns...) will make my brain act weird. I will have times where I feel like I'm listing on a ship on the ocean and will have to grab walls to balance, I will double up words... like 'I went went the store' instead of 'I went to the store'. I will write one word and mean another. I can't multitask or drive. The only time I can drive is if I've driven there enough to know my way there by muscle memory. I will drop cups and things... my wrists and fingers will swell and stiffen, making it hard to write. I will not be able to coherently talk sometimes and speak slow due to exhaustion. I will randomly get so tired I HAVE to lay down or sleep. I suffer from chronic migraines and from grinding my teeth in my sleep. I have moments where I hobble everywhere and have to stop walking because either my legs give out or go numb. Hands and feet tingle, shoulders, back of my neck... stuff goes numb or hurts. I sneeze or cough and will hurt my ribs, sternum, or back and have pulled my hip flexor sneezing THREE TIMES. lol

There are three medications, physical therapy, my brain is blanking. That's part of it too... Sometimes I forget what words I want or what I'm saying and I blank out. lol Mental therapy (I normally know the word beside therapist and psychologist and psychiatrist lol) and other things you can do for it... but I can't take medications due to being sensitive to almost all of them. I can't afford to do the rest. I can "walk" and I can rest. LMAO That's it.

I am saying all of this because not being able to stand or crouch for ages, not being able to lift heavy things... sometimes not being able to stir a meal I'm cooking or cut something lol.... not being able to focus... makes it near impossible for me to work a normal job like I used to. It's frustrating not being able to do what I used to be able to do. It's frustrating to feel like I need help and I'm stubborn as all hell about it. LMAO But I just laugh it off as much as I can when I drop something or can't do something randomly.

A friend of mine that suffers from chronic illness told me to never let myself sink and be proud and celebrate the little accomplishments. She also sent me the Spoon Theory to help others, who don't suffer from a chronic illness to better understand chronic illness.

I am saying all this because Adrien August is going to be releasing and updating really slow because these past five days (yes, sadly I've been counting) have been complete utter Hell for me. My fingers hurt typing this, my body hurts from my neck down to my lower back and it is tingling and numb. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I feel like a burden to people in my life. I'm full of anxiety and depression to the point I have not been sleeping well and I've just wanted to cry for no reason other than feeling like my ability to control my emotions is hanging on a thin thread. LOL I'm struggling with my left leg when I walk the last few days. I'm just realizing I need to slow down for the next few days. I'll be reblogging with @chimpukampu and @lalunaoscura but this fic will be moving slow. Not too slow... but I'm trying not to push myself. I probably forgot some symptoms tbh because there are so many of them. XD

Anyway, I'm sorry that I am slow at updating lately. It's because I've been focused on other things and then this flare up has lasted longer than any so far and it's absolute murder. lol I'm usually a super positive person but lately this has been kicking my ass hard. XD I thank all my amazing friends for letting me vent and for lifting me up. I thank my husband for putting up with me and my frustration at myself that I am projecting outward, which I feel so guilty for. XD I just need to realize when I can't do something... it's okay, because it is okay. It's okay to need help. I don't know how many damn times I've written that in a fanfic, LMAO!!!!! but it's true! It's okay. It'll be okay. It'll get better. I got this! I had it before... I can get it again! LMAO

Sorry to be a downer and I hope you all are having a wonderful night or day where ever you are and thank you for all of the support! Seriously!