#and that emotionally he probably goes through a lot wrt being the last of his kind and being completely cut off from a culture

[sage-nebula]

I'm thinking about Knuckles, and how little we know of him, and how what little we know of him informs what we do know of him, and how that makes some of the writing around him (in various canon materials and adaptations) feel . . . kind of disrespectful, at times?

What we know of Knuckles' backstory is this: he is the last of the echidnas, and specifically a descendant of the Knuckles clan. The Knuckles clan was an empire under the rule of Chief Pachacamac, and when they tried to take the Master Emerald and Chaos Emeralds for the sake of their nation's power, Chaos went on a rampage and wiped most of them out. Pachacamac's daughter, Tikal, sealed Chaos into the Master Emerald along with her own spirit (sacrificing her body in the process), and those that remained enshrined the Master Emerald on a chunk of land that they hefted into the sky to become Angel Island. It's there that they vowed to protect the Master Emerald, but because there were so few of them already, now Knuckles himself is the only one who remains.

What we don't know is: how the remaining echidnas on Angel Island died out, and whether Knuckles' parents were around when he was born or not.

We don't know this, because echidnas hatch from eggs at least in real life, and we don't know that they don't in the Sonic universe. And we also don't know how long it would take for those eggs to hatch . . . essentially, we don't know if Knuckles was born alone on Angel Island, with only the little animals and the Chao there to keep him company. We don't know if perhaps he named himself Knuckles, after a clan he never knew, to try to feel some connection to his heritage. We do know that he doesn't know all there is to know about Angel Island, that he doesn't know the meanings behind a lot of the murals (which is how Eggman was able to trick him back when they first met), which would lead me to believe that if his parents were around, they weren't around for long enough to teach him about his culture or their sacred duty. That perhaps they weren't around long enough to give him a name of his own, rather than just taking the clan name.

All of this is to say, if Knuckles was born alone (or if his parents died when he was too young to remember them), and he's just had to piece together what little he knows about his people and his culture from what there is on his island . . .

. . . then it kind of makes moments in canon when Sonic or others pester him to leave the island or to stop taking it all so seriously feel kind of . . . insensitive at best.

Like, I do get it. Sonic himself doesn't care about his own past, he has no ties to any family (besides Tails) or culture, that's all fine for him. But it's clearly not fine for Knuckles, who very obviously wants that connection, especially if he's the one who named himself after his clan. And while I get it from a character standpoint for Sonic, part of me also feels like writers have validated Sonic's view in things like having Knuckles decide to go on a journey away from Angel Island after Frontiers, after his conversations with Sonic goaded him into it a little. Which again, as a writer I understand, because it's hard to do things with Knuckles if he never leaves Angel Island. You have to bring the plot to him, or else you can't include him. But at the same time, he's literally the last of his people. And the only connection he has to those people, those people who are lost and that he can never get back, are there on Angel Island, in ancient murals and ruins he's not sure he fully understands no matter how many years he spends studying them . . . I don't know, I just feel like some more understanding or compassion could be given to him for this. Like the way his eyes lit up in that IDW issue when Amy returned the echidna artifact to him -- that was something made by his people! That's a part of his history! He may not (probably doesn't) understand its significance, but now that's another lost connection that he has. And while Sonic might not care about things like that, Knuckles does. That's important to him, and that should be respected.

I don't know, that post about how Knuckles is not just a warrior (or, imo, a warrior at all, but a protector instead) has just had me thinking about him the past couple of days. I'm not saying that he should stay locked to Angel Island forever, I do think it does him good to socialize with his friends as well . . . but I also wish that the writing respected a bit more often the fact that he is the last of his kind, that the island and the ruins there and the Master Emerald are all he has left of it, the only way he has any connection to his culture at all. And honestly, much as I love Sonic, and as much as this is an E for Everyone series, I do think that, at times, Knuckles should get to tell Sonic to fuck off when Sonic starts going on one of his "don't be so stuck on your dusty old island" spiels he sometimes goes on. Because it's not really about the island, and Knuckles' feelings are just as valid as Sonic's. Perhaps even more so, on this topic.

But that's just what I've been thinking about.

[lizardkingeliot]

Please tell us, if you can, if the new season of magicians is worth watching? after last season and Q, I basically had decided I was over it. But...elllllliot :( I'm very torn after how dirty they did us And even tho I love the other characters, almost dont want them to move on from Q bc how could they? lol it's good and healthy, yes, but irl makes me sad, dammit!! Anyways ~ new season, yay or nay? Please help? Thank you so much xo

This got salty (and spoilery) so under a cut it goes.

I don’t think I can give a simple yay or nay to this honestly. It’s been… okay? For what it is? I guess. But… it’s also had these moments of being so emotionally tone-deaf wrt certain things, I don’t know that I can trust them to do anything but let me down for the rest of the season. The first three episodes were very emotionally satisfying for me, and then episode four was… a mess. And five was… okay? It was a good set-up for episode six, which was… an episode that should have worked for me on every level. Eliot was literally in every scene, and Hale acted his face off as always, but when it was over I was just left feeling kind of… hollow????

And I think that’s about where I am with the season right now. Very hollow and… whatever. The anguish of the first three episodes has seemingly been washed away and it feels too easy, especially considering how they promoted this as the Season Of Grief. I mean, this show has always been a mess when it comes to tone and pacing and knowing how to make complex human emotions and experiences matter, and I always lowkey hope they’re going to learn and grow and get better and then they just… don’t.

Episode six by all accounts should have been the deepest dive into Eliot’s psyche that we’ve had yet, but by the end the hadn’t really dealt with anything, and erased most of what he was going through wrt his trauma from the Monster by having what he was being haunted by just being… Charlton trying to break out of his happy place. Which was a really cute scene! And I like Charlton a lot. But tonally it was weird, and it didn’t work in context, and they also did absolutely nothing to show us what he actually still has in his head from the Monster??? It’s just… a mess.

And what was probably the biggest letdown of episode six for me was that… Eliot??? Didn’t talk about Quentin at all???? They spent the first three episodes focusing on how much he was repressing wrt his feelings, and specifically lying to Margo about them, and then… when they finally had a talk about what was bothering him, it was just about the Monster???? And I guess you could argue that he’s still repressing a lot, and not ready to open up to her about that because it was already so hard telling Alice what little he did but… it was just so shallow and weird and empty that I couldn’t even enjoy them being soft and sweet together.

Also, they used the cottage door from the mosaic as a symbol! Which I guess… they think is just a general symbol for Eliot facing his fears but??? It’s so much more than that???? That door specifically represents Eliot and Quentin’s home, and the life they spent together, and Eliot opening himself up to his feelings for Quentin. And to use it in an episode where there was zero acknowledgement he was even thinking about him just… honestly makes me so mad.

Anyway, I guess this is all very on brand for them? Like, this is the team that entirely ignored the emotional impact of the mosaic for the rest of season 3 when it should have been the most profound experience of both their lives. This is the team that wrote that finale. They really have no idea how to balance consistent emotional states with being silly and ridiculous, so for all we know Eliot could be back to actually acting like he cared about Quentin next week???? I’m not holding out hope for that tho…

If I were you, I’d wait until the season is over, even though I get missing Eliot and wanting to watch it now. He’s honestly the only reason I’m sticking around at this point.

In conclusion: oof.

[markoftheasphodel]

Unfulfilled Dream: An Introduction to Finn and House Leonster

This is intended to assist fans of Three Houses, and specifically Blue Lions fans, in understanding what the hell FE old-timers are talking about when the names “Quan,” “Finn,” and “Leif” come up with regard to Dimitri and his retainers (and Dimitri/Dedue in particular). You may have encountered these characters in FE Heroes, but there’s a lot more stuff out there and it’s not all in one place, or even readily available in translation. So here goes.

So, as a starting point, Azure Moon route of Three Houses is heavily influenced by Thracia 776 (aka FE5) and the more familiar you are with FE5, the more evident the parallels/echoes are. But going backward from Azure Moon to its inspiration, or to Genealogy of the Holy War (FE4) which served as an inspiration for Three Houses itself, can be really confusing.

We have the two games, FE4 and FE5, both of them for the SNES, neither of them ever given a worldwide release. Both have modern, very good patches so if you want to play them, it’s a much better user experience than it used to be. We have two artbooks, Treasure for FE4 and Illustrated Works for FE5, both of them only partially translated via websites and translation blogs. We have developer notes and interviews. We have the appearances of these characters as Einherjar in Awakening. We have their modern appearances in Fire Emblem Heroes.  We have the modern run of Cipher cards as well as much older TCG cards. And finally, we have various manga and light novels, many of which have been fan-translated of late but also rather... dubious as “game canon.”

So, to grasp Quan, or Finn, or Leif, it’s a bit like being told “read 100 support conversations plus some DLC that never got translated,” right?

Here are the basics that might be of interest to Three Houses fans!

Quan is the prince of Leonster, a small but wealthy kingdom on the Thracian Peninsula, which juts eastward from the continent of Jugdral. He carries the Major Holy Blood (so, kind of like a Major Crest) of Njörun, one of the Twelve Crusaders who liberated Jugdral from an evil cult several generations before. His holy weapon is Gae Bolg, aka The Lance of Love and Sorrow, reputed to be cursed. Quan generally at war with his neighbor to the south, King Travant of Thracia (a poor nation), who also has Major Holy Blood and is a descendant of Dáinn, Njörun’s brother. Each of them wants to unite the Thracian peninsula and rule over the whole thing; despite an Irish naming scheme, Leonster was inspired by Italy and is supposed to be an elegant, fashionable place with a thriving middle class. Quan attended a fancy military academy in the center of the continent (the direct inspiration for Garreg Mach!) and has two close friends from other nations, Eldigan and Sigurd, also heirs to holy bloodlines. The three of them swear an oath to always have each others’ backs and Quan marries Sigurd’s sister Ethlyn, who has minor holy blood (like a minor crest but with no holy weapon access). They have two children, Altena and Leif.

Finn starts off as Quan’s page. I say “starts off” because FE4 and FE5 follow him over the course of twenty years. He’s the child of a noble house in Leonster, and when he was orphaned he was sent to the castle to be raised/educated. He’s not skilled at making friends but he does become Quan’s page and grows to think of Ethlyn as a big sister of sorts. When Quan and Ethlyn go to war across the continent to assist Sigurd, Finn wants to come along and they take him, even though he’s maybe fifteen and barely old enough to fight. Quan mentors Finn (which is something we see in FE4 itself), building his confidence up, telling Finn he’s the most promising knight of his generation, bequeathing Finn a special lance of his own, and ultimately entrusting Finn with guardianship of Quan’s son and heir, Leif. Finn in turn becomes utterly devoted to Quan and to Quan’s ambition of ruling all of Thracia.

A word about devotion. This is not “devotion” in the sense we’ve seen from Frederick or Jakob in recent FE games, where it’s performative and kind of amusing, with complicated tea rituals and recruiting slogans and whatnot. This is straight-up utter acceptance of someone else’s dreams and ambition as one’s own purpose in life. Hold that thought.

Anyway, Quan and Ethlyn are ambushed and killed by Travant shortly after Leif is born; every knight in their party is massacred in the Yied Desert. The rest of the continent is falling under the sway of the Grannvale Empire (Eldigan’s already dead, Sigurd dies shortly after Quan&Ethlyn), and Leonster is able to hold out for a couple of years before it falls to a one/two attack by Travant’s Thracian army and the Grannvale Empire. Finn, who’s been caring for Leif as his guard, escapes from the burning castle with Leif in his arms (Leif’s grandmother Queen Alfiona dies in the blaze; his grandfather King Kalf died shortly before on the battlefield, betrayed by allies).

The Yied Massacre and the Fall of Leonster are the Jugdrali psychological horror-show that parallel the Tragedy of Duscur’s impact on House Blaiddyd. Finn is devastated by the fact that his duty to Leif kept him from Quan&Ethlyn’s side during the massacre because dying with them would’ve been preferable to surviving them. He hasn’t recovered from that when Leonster falls in an inferno that traumatizes him for, as far as we can tell, the rest of his life. As Leif tells it, Finn then shut down emotionally to the point where he neither cries nor laughs. Of course, Leif himself is scarred by the memory of the burning castle, and that and the loss of his parents fuels his own rage and desire for revenge. Leif is also bothered by the fact that he only has minor holy blood from his parents, which is much less impressive than having two minor Crests because he can’t use any holy weapons. On the other hand, two types of minor holy blood don’t kill you.

(I think at this point many of y’all can see how these events are echoed in Azure Moon. The atrocity, the survivor’s guilt, the fallout on both a child prince with a heavy burden and his retainer who’s struggling with his own issues.)

After this, Finn has nothing aside from his duty to Leif, and as he sees it his duty to Leif is ultimately to see Leif placed on the throne of a unified Thracian peninsula as its sole king. He raises Leif and Leif’s companion Nanna/Jeanne (Jugdral is complicated) under a variety of harsh & tragic circumstances for the next thirteen years. Sometimes he has to forego meals to feed the kids. The people who assist him usually end up dead. At least once he gets betrayed by the citizens of the town they’re hiding in. And so on. These are not circumstances that really allow one to recover from trauma, and by the time Leif himself is fifteen years old and the game plot of Thracia 776 begins, Finn still doesn’t give a damn as to whether he lives or dies as long as he can see Leif made King of Thracia. This is where the portrayal of Finn in Fire Emblem Heroes comes from-- by this point he’s about thirty-four and he really hasn’t had a good day in his life since he was about nineteen.

One of the Cipher cards probably says it the best: His fallen master protected him, saw him through to adulthood, and entrusted him with an unfulfilled dream, and now Finn leads the way to a new era in his motherland! That complete, utter, unswerving dedication to Quan and his unfulfilled dream is what brings Finn to mind when discussing Dedue (cutscene after Gronder in Verdant Wind, anyone?) It’s not funny. It’s tragic. It’s kind of disturbing. Thracia 776 offers a lot of commentary on knights and knighthood-- not as savage as the discussions Felix has with his Blue Lions comrades, but pointed nonetheless-- and with Finn as the Jugdrali exemplar of A Knight, that criticism rebounds, directly or indirectly, on him. Knighthood is kind of effed up and so is Finn. 

Finn does get the opportunity to get his revenge on Travant in FE4, as both he and Leif have boss-battle conversations with Travant making it 100% clear they’re after revenge (Leif even speaks of killing Travant with his bare hands!). Travant’s death helps clear the way for Leif to take the throne of Thracia after the war... and with the dream at last fulfilled, Finn disappears, apparently into the Yied Desert where Quan and Ethlyn died. (He does come back three years later.) He’s got nothing else in his life. He’s seemingly not equipped to take over the usual veteran-knight role as some kind of advisor or general... or, after all that, he just WANTS to disappear for a while.

(You say, this is pretty TL;DR for “the basics”; I say, “I left a lot of stuff out, especially wrt shipping” because Jugdrali shipping is complicated.)

Anyway, so that’s the outline of the plot stuff. Note again, this takes more than twenty years to play out-- more than double the time elapsed between the Tragedy of Duscur and Dimitri’s final victory in Azure Moon. Jugdral is a long, long, hard slog for the characters that survive it.

Now, here’s where we get to the interpretive part. Finn’s devotion to Quan (and thence to Leif) and his trauma and self-abnegation are not up for debate. Hell, FE Heroes provides a pretty fair encapsulation of it. What Heroes also conveys is the sheer depth of his grief for Quan after fifteen, seventeen, twenty years... a grief that leads a number of fans, including me, to see a romantic subtext there. Maybe Quan, as a happily married man with two kids, wasn’t ever thinking of his page-turned-protege like that, but in between some interesting bits of dialogue in FE5 about Finn being “cold to women” and his current portrayal in Heroes, it does create the impression that at the very least Finn’s feelings for Quan went outside the ordinary bounds of the lord/retainer relationship. As Jugdral by its nature doesn’t lead to the sorts of paired endings we see in Three Houses, that’s really something fans have to experience for themselves. 

If that interests you, hopefully this essay has provided some pointers on where to find material. Have fun!

[toycarousel]

Is it weird that when I come to a really hard part in my life and I keep thinking about asking you? I think once a year i've been in your ask box trying to get advice. My partner is severely depressed to the point where he seriously talks about killing himself nearly every other day. Its been almost a year and its just getting harder and harder to handle emotionally. He's terrified of being put in a psych ward from pas experience. I don't know what to do. I love him and he needs me but it hurts.

Hi, Anon! I don’t think it’s weird at all, not to worry~! It’s perfectly fine to ask me for help, and to talk to me whenever you want to! I just can’t give, like professional answers (since I’m not a professional) and I just offer advice/help casually when I’m able to, which can often be reeeeeeally delayed, especially when I’m off my meds and such – executive dysfunction is a huge problem for me, so during emergency events, definitely contact a distress centre before talking to me, as I won’t be able to get to time-sensitive asks promptly, and I certainly don’t want you to be stuck waiting for me! :’O

That being said, I am always open to sharing my perspective, any resources I can find, and basically any help I can potentially offer, so it’s always okay to message me – sending multiple asks is totally fine too – if you want to hear my take on things!

Wrt what you’ve shared with me here, I want you to know that it’s okay to be open about the pain that you’re going through as well, and to reach out to people for help! I know there’s a lot of pressure on folks to, like, forego their own health and safety when a loved one is struggling, but that’s never something that you have to do – in fact, if you take care of yourself, seek help when you need it, and ask for the same support that you’ve been giving your loved one, you’ll end up being more effective in changing their life (as well as your own) for the better.  Too often, we feel like it’s our sole responsibility to find a solution to our loved ones’ incredibly serious emotional distress… but few of us are professionals in these areas, and even if we were, it’s terrifying and difficult to know what to do when someone very close to you is the one suffering.

It’s very hard, and very painful to see someone we love going through so much… and you’re not doing anything wrong by seeking to regulate the pain that you’re experiencing too, as a result! So I’m going to share some resources that are specifically for you, so you can find support for what you’re feeling and for coping and making decisions based on how this situation has affected you! Depending on what happens, you may end up having to make a truly hard choice.  It’s not healthy to stay with someone who doesn’t want to make changes to their life, while simultaneously causing you harm.  But I also know that it’s awful to feel like, if you need to take time for yourself, away from the person and the situation, that you could be responsible for anything bad happening.

You’re not responsible for someone else’s personal health – it’s important to support loved ones, and to do what you can for them, but sometimes there’s just.  A limit to how much we can actually do, you know? The other person needs to meet you halfway, and aim to care for themselves as well, even if they really, really don’t feel like it.  

When I started DBT, I was doing it for my mother, my brother, my brother’s partner at the time, and my big sister.  Basically, I was doing it for all the people around me, neglecting myself entirely, and because of that, it wasn’t working long-term.  It did, however, get me to take that first step and seek help when I didn’t feel I deserved it (and therefore wouldn’t have done it otherwise at that point in my life, in my own self-hatred), because I didn’t want to hurt others, but the therapy itself only started solidifying in my mind and truly working once I made the conscious desire to find reasons to live for myself – once I decided (and it oftentimes has to be a constant choice), to hold onto the life I have.  To build that life into something I could care about, instead of writing it – and myself – off entirely.

I know this is probably, like, the last thing you’d want to do, especially since your boyfriend has had awful experiences with psych wards, and ppl can often end up in a psych ward when this is done – but you may have to call for help for your boyfriend (if an emergency situation occurs, and you’re afraid he may take his life).  

All lives are worth saving, and your boyfriend deserves a chance at life, which is something he would no longer have if he committed suicide.  That’s just my perspective, though.  I’ve been in a place where I did have to call the police on someone that I knew would hate me for it, and I’ve been in a place where the cops have been called on me and I hated the caller for it.  You don’t necessarily have to call the police, specifically, btw; calling an ambulance is often just as effective, and possibly even better, because they’ll have life-sustaining equipment and a proper vehicle on them if your loved one has already done something that compromises their physical safety…

Remember though, I’m not a professional – it’s good to call ppl who are trained to know what to do in this situation (like a crisis centre) to ask them what steps you should take if an emergency like this occurs! I’ll link them below, along with the other resources for you, Anon! I’m worried for you, and I want you to be safe, and healthy, and regain some peace in life~

For you:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself (this link is out of Australia, so the crisis lines here won’t necessarily be applicable, but the site itself – and this page specifically – goes through some steps as to how to look after yourself when you’re supporting someone else with depression).

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jul/10/how-to-support-a-depressed-partner-while-maintaining-your-own-mental-health (this article is about spouses, and has a mixture of suggestions for maintaining your own health, but there are a couple important ones here – I personally think the paragraph “Don’t stop doing the things you love,” is crucial).

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/22-ways-practice-emotional-self-care-letting-go/ (emotional self-care tips~!)

http://www.upworthy.com/101-self-care-suggestions-for-when-it-all-feels-like-too-much (more psychological and emotional self-care suggestions – I feel like these ones are especially down to Earth, which is great!)

https://www.lessonsforlove.com/blog/taking-care-of-yourself/651-taking-care-of-yourself-emotionally (more emotional/psychological self-care tips, with a couple specified ideas that could be helpful~!)

https://teenhealthcare.org/blog/6-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-on-social-media/ (I don’t know what your age is, or whether taking care of yourself on social media would help with your specific situation, but I thought I’d include this just as, like, something supplementary if your primary communication with support systems ends up having to be online, you know? A whole lot of mine are, and these are things I often have to remind myself of :’)

For both you and your boyfriend:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/how-to-help/#.WwRuktMvx-U (this site is out of the UK, so the crisis numbers here might not be relevant to where you live, but the site itself has some suggestions as to what you can do for someone who is suicidal).

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ruby-fremon/depression-spouse_b_7557410.html (this is in reference to a spouse, but in reading it, I suspect it would be applicable to any close relationship!)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner (more tips on maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who is depressed/suicidal).

http://codedredalert.tumblr.com/post/109005732295/helpline-masterlist (helpline masterpost for a wide variety of struggles!)

http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/suicide (more resources, including ones for suicide, and coping with your own intense/distressing emotions).

Wrt your boyfriend specifically, again, it’s totally understandable that he’s afraid to be placed in a psych ward, like, I personally get that (I’ve had nasty past experiences with those as well).  There are other ways to seek treatment though, like, through outpatient (but intensive) programs.  I have no idea what the options are where you two live, but I can dig up any resources online that I find that may be relevant, as well as anonymous crisis hotlines/chatlines, and self-help and self-soothing resources! They’re not a permanent measure, and unless a genuine effort is put into them, they should mainly be used by him to help make himself feel better in the moment.  Hopefully they can also give him some tools to start working with as it pertains to regaining the parts of his life (and life itself) that he’s lost interest in.

I’ll be linking a couple DBT skills specifically for the latter there.  While DBT skills are used more for people with BPD, the particular skills I’m linking are applicable to basically everyone – and especially people who are suicidal, depressed, and who want to build a life worth living.  Because I understand why people become suicidal (and up until recently, I was suicidal myself), and sometimes, especially depending on a person’s external circumstances (circumstances that are often completely outside of their control) it can feel like life has gotten so bad that it’s unsalvageable.  What I’ve found is that there is always something – even the tiniest thing – that is worth salvaging.  And from that tiny place, a person can spark an entire life, building on every small good thing until they can see that there really is a life out there, waiting for them.  They built it themselves.

For your boyfriend:

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/emotion_regulation1.html (these are some very straightforward worksheets for emotion regulation skills – they do essentially what they sound like they would, and they’re long-term skills that can become 2nd nature through practice~! It just makes handling all the painful emotions in life that we don’t always know how to pull ourselves out of).

http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/dbt-skill-of-the-day-improve-the-moment-from-the-distress-tolerance-module/ (this is for distress tolerance – it’s the ‘IMPROVE’ skills specifically.  Not every part of the acronym will be applicable, but a few might help when it’s just an especially terrible day/night…)

https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/improve-the-moment-with-emotion-regulation-strategies (this explains the ‘IMPROVE’ skills in more detail).

https://www.7cups.com/forum/BorderlinePersonalityDisorderSupportCommunity_81/DBTSkilloftheWeek_1304/DBTSkilloftheWeekIMPROVEthemoment_76695/ (the ‘IMPROVE’ skills again, with specific suggestions as to practicing the skill! 7cups also offers free online chat-based help, so it can be a great place to vent, and potentially gather external resources!) 

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/using_self_soothe.html (crisis survival skills! These are especially important for incredibly bad moments – for when a crisis occurs and a person needs to be able to step back from particularly rough events/triggers that can really make it difficult to refrain from harming oneself in any way!!! I included this link because it looks like it has a few videos, which may be nicer than all this reading!)

http://creativityintherapy.com/2016/05/create-a-sensory-self-soothing-kit/ (how to create a self-soothing kit – this link could be helpful for you as well, Anon~!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBopCkdBwsk (I really, really think this video could be helpful.  The speaker explains why these skills are used, and how to create plans/backup plans based on these skills.  It’s about building the life you want, but also acknowledging how much pain you’ve been through, and how to healthily ‘Distract’ oneself during a crisis!!!)

So, I know that was a LOT to read~!!!! I hope that some of these resources and perspectives can be helpful.  And Anon, I just want to reiterate that I believe you’re a good person, and a good partner! You clearly care about your boyfriend deeply.  Needing to have time for yourself, and taking care of yourself are not things that make a person selfish – they strengthen you, and you deserve happiness and peace in life~