#and that is somewhat reversed the last few years but i just. i'm so tired. it's not because i don't care

[rogersstevie]

i thought i’d try making more last minute plans with this friend who always has to cancel but alas no luck sjkdfkjs it’s just been too long

[train-wrecc]

ALPHA.

• hamish duke x fem!reader

warning(s) ⚠️: none? somewhat angst (not really), death, mentions of blood

pairings: vera x niece!reader, hamish duke x reader

summary: y/n is vera stones niece who had been inducted into the hermetic order of the blue rose 4 years ago (senior in college) however when reviewing books in the reliquary/vault for an assignment she stumbles upon a certain fur coat, the hide of alpha.

wc (word count): 2.2k

gc (gif credit): unknown/google

-

y/n had barely set foot into the temple before alyssa almost tackled her to the floor. "geez, medicum, watch where you're going."

"magistratus! you're just the person i was looking for! im so sorry for bumping into you but uh, " the blonde gestures behind her with a hand, "the temple magus would like to see you..." she says, before plastering an awkward smile and walking off.

"and i thought today couldn't get any worse..." y/n mumbled.

y/n walked down the corridor before stopping at the large doors which the temple magus who just so happened to be her aunt, sat behind.

the doors opened before her, and she was met with her aunt and a large older man. "temple magus." y/n said nodding her head, glancing at the man that was stood beside her aunt in confusion.

"magistratus, welc-" vera was interrupted by the older man beside her.

"vera quit with the formalities, she's your niece!" he chuckled.

"edward coventry, the grand magus." edward extended his hand out for y/n to shake. she embraced his hand with hers giving a firm shake.

"your aunt has told me a lot about you y/n,"

"all good things, i assume." y/n responded.

"yes, of course, you could say im intrigued... meet me in the temple tomorrow afternoon. I have an interesting assignment for you."

-

the door clattered open as alyssa made her way into the temple where y/n and a few other magistratus' stood.

the others glanced in shock, "what is a medicum doing here?" selena questioned as she snickered at kyle as alyssa walked past the group.

"she's here like the rest of us, the magus wouldn't have allowed her to be here if she hadn't proven herself." y/n said in an attempt to get selena to shut up.

"are you sure? the only reason you're a magistratus is because of your auntie." selena continued.

y/n rolled her eyes tired of dealing with selena, "you're right, who else promotes us besides the magus? selena, why don't you keep your mouth shut, before i shut it for you, after all, my aunt is the temple magus."

before selena could utter a snarky remark edward strode in.

"okay! vera says that you're the ones with the most potential. potential will get you into the door, but it will not guarantee you a seat, " edward rips off the cloth which was obstructing the view of what appeared to be an obsidian block, "at the table." he continued.

"this obsidian block is estimated to be between, mhm, 1,500 and 2,000 years old." he gesticulates to the block.

"but spoiler alert. this is no ordinary... hunk of rock," he says, dropping a bug onto the rock which in turn burst.

"something is inside this obsidian that people don't want others to have. i want you to reverse engineer the magic protecting this stone."

y/n notices alyssa begins to write "deleatur?" on her notebook, as kyle glances at the word on the book before speaking up.

'of course he would, arrogant prick....' y/n thinks to herself.

"magus?" kyle steps forward, "with your permission?" he continued, as edward motioned towards the rock, as a signal to continue.

kyle raised a knife to his right hand before slicing it and muttering "deleatur", flicking his wrist toward the stone.

shortly after the flick of his wrist, his right forearm collided against his upper arm, his limb broken now, bone sticking out.

he gasps in pain, which puts a small smirk on y/ns face, 'serves him right...' roaming in her mind.

"you know how to heal that?" edward breaks the silence. kyle responded with a shake of his head 'no'.

"right. my driver will take you to the hospital."

kyle walks out of the room, hunched over, cradling his right arm the best that he can.

edward picks the obsidian up from its frame, "now that you know what you're dealing with, impress me." before he follows behind kyle.

"alyssa. make sure the temple gets a proper cleansing." are his last words.

"at once, magus." alyssa replied.

"now we know why she's here." diego called, his arm around selena's shoulder calls, a smirk on his face as she laughs before they continue to make their way out of the temple.

a sigh falls from alyssa's lips.

"don't worry about them medicum, you're not here for that. they just feel threatened by you." the y/h/c (your hair colour, i.e. brunette, blonde) girl spoke up.

"thanks, magistratus." alyssa responded.

y/n simply nodded in return, before stalking off to go pester her aunt, she had an idea about an incantation that might work on reversing the magic which was protecting the obsidian.

-

next day...

y/n's fist met the door as she knocked.

she could faintly hear the word "aperiatur" slip from her aunt's lips, as the doors opened.

"magistratus." vera greeted y/n.

y/n rolled her eyes, her aunt had always been so persistent in remaining professional at the temple, so that other members never thought y/n only got in due to vera.

"hey auntie vera," y/n says her words practically covered in honey.

"one. what did i tell you about keeping our professionalism and two. what do you want?" vera smirked knowing her niece too well.

a sigh came from y/n's lips, knowing her aunt had caught on.

"you're aware of the assignment of edward's that i'm apart of?" her aunt nodded in respond to the question.

"well i need to get into the vault, and before you interrupt me there's a book in there that i want to examine and see if i can find an incantation for the assignment." y/n explained, she had been planning on talking to her aunt the day before but something had come up.

"no." vera gulped knowing well she had given alyssa, a medium, access to the reliquary the day before. however the vault is different she reassured herself.

"of course, god forbid you do me one favour." y/n said her voice sour, her head nodding in false understanding.

"y'know ive worked my ass twice as hard as anyone else to be here, and yet i'm always getting criticized the most for every simple mistake that i make which aren't very many..." y/n began, her aunts answer irking her.

"and you decide to do alyssa the kiss ass a favour and give her access to the reliquary when she's a medicum, however, you can't do me a favour and let me use the vault once." y/n finishes brows furrowed, done with her aunt at the moment.

y/n began to stalk off before vera stopped the girl.

"y/n. you may use the vault." vera murmured.

the y/h (your height i.e. short, tall) girl returned to the room silently.

she handed y/n a necklace with a pentagon-shaped charm attached to it. "repeat after me. sanguis meus tuas laminate acuit." vera says the incantation.

"sanguis meus tuas laminate acuit."

with the movement of vera's hand, the bookshelves began to separate and opened to a corridor.

"y/n, sweetheart, you know i love you. the only reason i criticize you, harshly at times, is because i know you have the potential to be twice as great as you already are. greater than me." her aunt said dripping in sympathy and love.

however, y/n doubted that.

"of course i know because you remind me so often." the words slipped from y/n's lips, filled with sarcasm.

y/n made her way through the fear corridor and into the vault clutching the pentagon necklace as vera watched from the entrance.

-

y/n had been searching for the incantation for a few hours now and had yet to find the incantation.

she had rummaged through all the books that were out in the open and visible before deciding maybe there were some in hiding.

she had scoured high and low for books and had nearly given up before her eyes caught a rugged brown chest of some sort.

"this has to be it!" she exclaimed to herself, noticing the lock on the latch of it.

she'd assumed vera had left a while ago, and figured she'd have to talk to her about it the next day.

however, before she could even reach for the lock, it burst and the top of the trunk rose.

all she could see was some kind of fur coat before it had engulfed her and her vision was captured by darkness as she gasped.

(a/n: thank the lord she's a werewolf now, we can now get to the good part!!!!! 🥳)

-

a groan emitted from the y/h/c, as she began to stir. she felt like she was repeatedly getting pricked by something.

sweat dripped down her trembling body, teeth chattering from the cold. her eyes peeled open, vision fuzzy before it cleared. she wrapped her arms around herself, her arms met her bare chest.

her eyes widened in realization, she was naked.

eyes gazing down, she took in her bare body, painted red. her fingers met the dark red, substance. blood. blood, that was not her own.

"no, no, no, shit! what the fuck did i do?" y/n says in disbelief, hands twitching, as panic fills her veins.

she retrieves herself from the dirt of the forest as she makes her way through the large trees, hiding behind them every so often in order to not expose herself in case anyone were to be in the forest.

she nears a tent not too far from where she awoke and evaluates the area for anyone. it appeared to be vacant, so y/n made her way toward the tent in search of something to cover her bare body with.

however, when she neared the tent, her vision was once again met with blood. on the ground lay a man a hole where his heart should be. her vision became blurred by the tears that filled her eyes. this was the persons life she had took. a young man, who had his whole life ahead of him.

and it was put to an end because of her.

his blood was on her hands. literally.

though her hands trembled y/n had managed to rummage through his things, and find a change if clothes which we had immediately put on.

the pieces of cloth, which caressed her body, aided in warming her. she didn't waste another second and got to work quickly, digging somewhat of a grave for the male.

once she had covered the now cadaver-filled hole, y/n gathered a few leaves which took the place of which would ideally be flowers.

she sniffled, viciously blinking to try and rid her eyes of tears. y/n gently pressed the leaves into the soil, before getting up from her knees.

next came getting rid of any evidence that the man had ever set foot in the woods. she used a simple incantation to rid the small area of any objects.

after she had done so, she mad her journey near the edge of the woods, which she was quite familiar with, being in the order and they tend to venture in the woods often, especially when recruiting neophytes.

however, around fifteen minutes had passed, and y/n's eyesight was no longer a captive to the never-ending trees.

she no longer knew where she was... she'd never seen a house on the outskirts of the woods. she wondered if it had always been there.

y/n hadn't thought up a plan, before she knew it her legs were carrying her to the front door, and her curled fist met the wood of the door.

she truly hadn't thought about what she was gonna say, until she had knocked on the door.

what would she do? how would she explain her dishevelled appearance? the blood... oh god she had forgotten that she was practically drenched in the dark fluid from head to toe.

-

a/n: y'all this is so bad I'm sorry and it's on the longer side and like for what reason? 🤨😂

like literally nothing happened im so sorry this is literal shit...  obviously there WILL be a PT 2,

& sorry if the spacing is weird i’m on the mobile app...

also this is the only part that’ll be in third pov, i normally write first person but i was trying something different & i didn’t like it

& IM SORRY HAMISH WASNTIN THIS PRT HE'LL BE IN THE NEXT ONE I PROMISE !!!! 😔❤️🤞

[ivory-sunflower]

Arty Art Things ✨

Hellooo!

I've decided to post some of the arty things I've done either recently or in the last few years, well the pieces I'm somewhat proud of at least. All my posts tend to be a lot more wordy than they need to be but hey it's what I do here!

Conchúr White

Anyone one who's been on this blog for a bit will have probably have seen me talk about this lovely Irish fella. The pencil drawing is actually a year old as of yesterday, I only know that because screenshots of me flipping out about Conchúr following me on twitter popped up in my memories yesterday. I think I'd sent it to him at about 3 in the morning (I was not in a good head space at that point in time), so probably not what he was expecting to see when he opened his phone in the morning aha

The biro version is much more recent: I got bored while sat at my desk and doing research about university courses, saw a biro, saw my old drawing of Conchúr, had an idea. I revisited my GCSE art techniques and here we are. Again, I put this up on Twitter and now (at the the time I'm writing this) when you google "Conchúr White" it's the third top image of him which is a bit mad really. I think I spent all of about 20 minutes on Conchúr but another 45 minutes on the words behind him. The words are the names of the songs on his EP 'Bikini Crops', he doesn't just really love the idea of Channing Tatum driving him around at night in a daisy print bikini... Well maybe he does but what he does in his spare time is none of my business...

TechDif

So I mentioned that the pencil drawing of Conchúr came from a rough patch in my mental health and this one is no different! In fact this one came from an even worse circumstance so we love to see it. I had a bad, bad time in July and this started as a way of distracting myself from what was going on in my head. Without it, I can't honestly say I'd still be here so even if the final product of this had been a terrible mess I would still love it for keeping me alive. However, it did not turn out to be a terrible mess!

Now that the origin of this is out the way, where do I start with TechDif? Unlike Conchúr, I haven't really talked about them on here (unless you count one brief post about Citation Needed) before so I guess I'll do it here. The Technical Difficulties are a wonderful group of 4 British fellas who have had their fair share of fun online and even before. They did a radio show at university together, which went on to become their Reverse Trivia Podcast, later moving on to a panel show called 'Citation Needed': and a game called 'Two of These People Are Lying'. All of which I would thoroughly reccomend, they're one of my go to things when I'm having a rough time. All 4 of them are excellent! Tom Scott (red top, blue jeans on the picture) has his own YouTube channel which does content aside from TechDif. If you're quite nerdy and like science, linguistics, computers, or any number of other things you may enjoy Tom's channel. He is probably best described as "The Moderator" of the group, much like a tired teacher he tries desperately to keep everyone on track with what they're meant to be doing, but usually it does not end well for him. Then we have Matt Gray (space top, holding an ice cream) who also has a channel away from TechDif stuff, he does techy electronic things and has a series called 'Will it Soft Serve?' where he puts all kinds of strange things through a soft serve machine. Matt brings a very specific energy to TechDif and I can't fully describe what that vibe is but I love it. Matt and Tom also share a YouTube channel where TOTPAL is posted and they had a series called 'The Park Bench'. Moving on to everybody's favourite Gary Brannan: Gary Brannan (SATIRE hoodie, glasses) and can I just say, what a fella he is! He's just excellent! He is the one that will argue and rip into Tom the most (not in a malicious way) and hilarity ensues. There are some episodes where he is absolutely on it, getting all the points and others where he very clearly has no idea and that's where some of his funniest quotes come from. Given how badly I was doing at the time I made this, his response to it on Twitter was so so lovely. I specifically remember one tweet where he said I'd made him happy and although it was probably a flippant comment, it just made feel alright for a bit. Yeah I might be feeling awful right now, but I've made someone else happy so that's a nice feeling. Then last but certainly not least, we have Chris Joel (buffalo check shirt, beard)! I would be lying if I said he isn’t my favourite... His sense of humor is the one I vibe with most, he can get rather dramatic in parts and can chat bollocks like a champion. He has absolutely no online presence away from TechDif and, like Rens from Temples, I fully believe he’s a cryptid and lives off in a tree somewhere. 

The picture took me about 4 days to complete, well 4 nights because I did most of it between the hours of 12 a.m. and 7a.m. - I remember watching the sun come through my window each morning. It’s made up of lots of little pieces, all cut out and stuck on; even the sky and hills are made of separate pieces of paper. Nothing was actually drawn on the piece of paper it’s all stuck on, it’s not how I usually do things but if I messed up one little but I could just redraw it rather than ruining the whole thing. The most tedious parts to make were Chris’ shirt because I had to draw each square individually and then join the as well, and cutting out the ban-hammer in the bottom right was surprisingly hard. Every single detail of the picture is a reference to the podcast/shows, I still have the plan sketch and reference list knocking about somewhere. I listened to a lot of true crime videos while making it to the point that certain parts remind me of different cases: the brandy now reminds me of Peter Tobin, and the big spiral thing reminds me of Tim McLean (very harrowing case) - sorry that fact is a bit morbid but interesting nonetheless. 

I did post this for a little bit back in July, but I received some rather awful messages so I took it down. Generally, Tom Scott/TechDif fans are lovely but there’s been a few that have taken a disliking to me for some reason so I’m hoping they don’t resurface again. I’m in a better head space now though, so even if they do I’m more equipped to deal with it this time.

Hozier

This was a quick sketch I did in April, I was getting bored with lockdown and decided to summon the bog man himself. There’s not really much more backstory than that, no poor mental health story, no fun twitter story - he’s just here. He’s vibing. I will say I’m particularly proud of his nose, I just think it’s one of the best noses I’ve ever drawn. His hand is okay, but I think that the hands on my Conchúr drawings are better. So there is the Hozi-Boi...

The Corpse Bry

I’ve talked about Bry on here before as well, I love him, he’s excellent, top lad. He is a living Tim Burton character, he’s 6′6, very skinny, and his legs are longer than my will to live. I was watching ‘The Corpse Bride’ a few weeks ago and suddenly had an idea and so ‘The Corpse Bry’ came to be. I gave him a little panda friend because the panda has always been his animal - he used to wear a panda beanie all the time and his album had a panda on the cover. Again, there’s not really a fun story behind this one, I guess it’s somewhat fun because it’s the first art I made after finishing my psychology exams in October so it was nice to actually have the time to draw.

James Bagshaw

Ginger talking about Temples for the third post in a row? it’s more likely than you think! I did this one last week, I’d had a bit of a wobbly day and had group therapy on Teams in the evening and I just couldn’t concentrate on what was going on and I ended up doodling Mr James E. Bagshaw, the glitter crying fraggle man himself. It’s a bare-bones drawing that I could definitely work into more but I’m happy with it as it is to be honest. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit and add the individual bits of fringe to his jacket, just thinking about doing that makes me tired. Maybe I’ll get around to drawing the whole band at some point...

Alice in “Wonderland”

This one is from about 5(?) years ago, it’s not my typical style and was a “study” based on another artists work (basically i just had to copy this fellas work). I’ll be honest, this one has a sketchy backstory that I won’t go in to because it’s not exactly a nice one, and because of that I also won’t say who the artist is that it’s based on. Despite this, I’m still really proud of this one and I’m so sad that I never got this piece back after I got taken out the class. I��ve considered trying this style again, I’ve even joked about doing another Conchúr drawing in this style as a nod to my progression through GCSE art, eventually leading to Conchúr drawn in ink on music manuscript and stained with neon paint and dyes - it would be quite the project!

So this has been quite a lengthy post so apologies about that but life goes on. Similar to the vinyl post, I’ll probably add to this as and when I make more art. Even if no one is reading these posts, I’m enjoying making them so that’s the main thing. It’s just nice to document things and the feelings that go with them. 💕

~ Love Ginger xx 

29/11/2020

[imatravelholic]

Armenia: A beautiful country, even in (freakish late March) winter

Also significant in that Armenia is the 50th country that I've visited! 🎉 Only ~150 left to go! 😉

[This blog will cover Yerevan and the first half of our week-long roadtrip through Armenia/Nagorno-Karabakh.]

After Azerbaijan, we took an overnight train to Tbilisi, Georgia and spent a few days there before taking a bus south to Armenia. (We plan on finishing our trip in Georgia so this first time was basically just a layover due to the fact that there are no diplomatic relations between Azerbaijan and Armenia - I will discuss the primary reason for this in my next blog - and consequently, it's impossible to cross the border from one to the other. This is also true of Armenia and Turkey. Thankfully, Georgia gets along fine with these neighbourhing countries - though its relationship with its northern neighbour, Russia, is another story - so we are able to cross the borders to/from Georgia. Basically, lots of bad blood in this part of the world.)

We spent the first four days in Armenia's captial city, Yerevan, where we took a free walking tour, checked out a couple of museums, walked around a lot, ate excellently and drank phenomenal wine (everyone talks about how great Georgian wine is - and it is! - but no one seems to know how amazing Armenian wine is!). We had a nice time in Yerevan but I'm sure it's a lot prettier at other times of the year - March was pretty grey.

From Yerevan, we rented a car for a week in order to explore the rest of the country. To summarize this roadtrip: we saw A LOT of medieval Orthodox Christian monasteries, drove through two pretty sketchy snowstorms, nearly popped our tires on at least 50 different occasions due to the abhorrent conditions of Armenian "roads," and we saw some pretty breathtaking landscapes. I'll let the photo captions fill in the rest of the first half of our roadtrip:

Get ready for lots of monastery photos! This one is Khor Virab monastery (the second monastery that we visited out of approx a dozen). You can see Mount Ararat in the background, which is now in Turkey but even after the borders being drawn this way, it remains a significant symbol of Armenia.

Noravank Monastery

Noravank again (this one was particularly photogenic so we took a lot of photos...)

Andre posing pretty in front of Noravank

This was the first, but certainly not the last, time we saw snow in Armenia. We hiked up to this monastery in the mountains (called Tsakhats Kar) and the views were well-worth the wet feet.

After our hike, we returned to our car where we parked in a small village and the neighbours came out to greet us and invited us to their home for coffee and homemade preserved peaches. They spoke no English and Andre quickly exhausted his basic Russian (which, to his credit, is far more extensive than the 5 words I know!) but thanks to Google Translate, we were still able to somewhat communicate. And at the end of the day, kindness is pretty universal!

View from the cable car (sorry, the "longest reverse aerial tramway in the world"), which we took to the Tatev monastery. The ride took 12 minutes, whereas the drive would have taken 40 (look at the road in the photo and you can see why).

Tatev Monastery

Also Tatev Monastery 😎

After Tatev, we drove to a village called Khndzoresk to check out an old cave village built into the mountainside. This involved crossing this (somewhat sketchy) suspension bridge over a gorge. Believe it or not, the cave village had residents up until the 1950s!

[Mar 31, 2019]

[ladye11e]

I believe you have a 'thing' for the strategist as well..? Would you consider writing a fic from his perspective? Something tantalizing would be awesome because I have a feeling his thoughts aren't always squeaky clean but it isn't absolutely necessary.. I'm thirsty ok??

Ah my lovely GG! Just as I think my thirst has been quenched for the wonderful strategist, you slide up in my askbox and drop this bombshell! I hope I’ve done your ask justice ♥️

Slightly NSFW (of course)

Ignis rubbed his temple with his free hand, his nerves fraying at the bickering that was coming from his companions. They had been at it for the last several miles, and his usual calm demeanor was becoming more and more difficult to hold onto.

“You cheated Noct, you know you did! Your game didn’t crash at all!

“Prom, I don’t need to cheat to beat you. Never have, and never will!”

“Enough!” Ignis roared before he could stop himself, making the retinue silence immediately and stare at the strategist wide eyed in shock.

They knew they had crossed the line when they saw Ignis’ knuckles go white from gripping the steering wheel so hard, so they slumped back down in their respective seats and lowered their heads, mumbling apologies to the floor.

“There are worse things to be quarreling about than Kings Knight. If you two had put as much energy into our last hunt as  you have to that persistent bickering, we would already be at the haven and set up for camp by now.”

Gladio let out a small grunt in agreement with him, only just noticing that the prince and his best friend were being scalded. Ignis couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of envy at the Shields ability to block out the idle pratter, completely engrossing himself in the novella he happened to be reading at the time. His exasperated thoughts had distracted him so much, that he didn’t even notice that Gladio was tapping him on the shoulder from the back seat, until he leant over and pointed to the dial in front of him on the dashboard.

“Um Iggy, don’t you think we had better stop for fuel?”

Ignis let out a heavy sigh as he saw that the Regalia was literally running on fumes, silently cursing himself for not noticing it sooner.

“My apologies. I had not taken into account Nocts map reading skills, and allowed sufficient fuel consumption for the extra hour driving around locating the wasps nest. There is a stop further down this road, we shall resupply there.”

“Yesssss! Pit stop, pit stop!” Prom singsonged from the seat next to him, his cheerful ways returning quickly at the prospect of getting out of the car and finding a snack.

Ignis leaned back into his seat and let his foot off the gas slightly to preserve what little fuel he had left, a glimmer of a smile appearing at Prompto’s contagious enthusiasm.

As soon as they had pulled into the service station, Noctis and Prompto scrambled out of the car and headed to the store in search of food, while Gladiolus stayed in the back seat reading his book, leaving Ignis to refuel the Regalia. Just as he slid the nozzle into the tank, he suddenly froze as the hairs on the back of his neck stood to attention, something which usually happened when he sensed danger close by. He looked about furiously in search of an imminent threat, slightly bewildered when he saw that there was none. Dusk was looming, but it wasn’t going to be dark for another hour so there were no deamons about, and no sign of magitek soldiers or suchlike in the vicinity.

He was just about to chalk it up to being tired and still slightly annoyed with the consistent arguing from his companions on the way over here, when something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. His stomach immediately started fluttering and his breath caught in his throat as he slyly turned his head towards the vendor, who was serving the most exquisite creature he had ever seen.

You.

The world seemed to stop as he continued to strain glaces in your direction, drinking in every little detail that he caught. The way that the clothing you were wearing was hugging every one of your curves to perfection, your elegant grace as you moved to pay the vendor for your purchases, enthralling. He had no idea how long he had been watching you for, until he heard a gushing sound from close by. He jumped out of the way when he suddnly looked down and saw that he had overfilled the tank; the fuel spilling onto the floor and down the drain, calling Gladios attention to him from the back seat.

“Hey Iggy, you alright?”

Ignis cleared his throat and returned the nozzle to the pump quickly, his stomach feeling like there was a lead weight inside it when he looked over to where you were stood, noticing that you had left.

“I’m, fine. I must be more exhausted than I thought. We must make haste to the haven, it will be dark soon.”

Somewhat satisfied with Ignis’ explanation, Gladio slumped back into his seat and picked up his book again, making a quick mental note to keep an eye on the strategist. Today had been a long day, that wasn’t even debatable, but it was very unlike the straight laced man to falter like that, even as fatigued as he was.

Ignis climbed back into the front seat just as Prompto and Noctis emerged from the store; whooping and cheering at the amount of junk food they had procured for the ride, earning themselves a scowl as they took their seats.

“There will be no eating of any of that until after dinner. Do I make myself clear? Especially you Noct, do not think I didn’t see you scrape your vegetables into the bushes last night.”

Glaring at Noctis throught the rearview mirror when he stuck out his tongue and mimicked wearing spectacles, Ignis started the engine and pulled out onto the main road, his thoughts immediately returning to you. He didn’t even know your name, yet the notion of you stood close to him stirred something up in his chest, as well as… other places. He wondered how soft your skin would feel under his fingertips, tracing them over your cheek and down your neck, hopefully making you shudder at his feather like touch. Your lips, from what he saw were far more delectable than any recipe he could dream of concopting, swaying him towards the heavens as he pressed them against his own and savoured your taste.

The whole car juddered as Ignis slammed on the brakes and came to a gut wrenching stop, suddenly noticing that he had just missed the turn off to the campground.

“Specs! What the hell!?”

Ignis reversed the car slightly shame faced as he saw the mark sporting Noctis’ cheek where he’d banged it against the headrest due to his abrupt stopping, mentally chasting himself for becoming so distracted. Finally making it to the haven, Ignis turned off the engine and jumped out of the car first, popping open the trunk and loading Noctis and Prompto up with camping gear, making them unable to barrage him with questions about what just happened. He was no so lucky with Gladiolus, who had ladened himself with the heaviest equipment with ease and was waiting for the others to walk down the hill, so he could speak to him alone.

“Come on Iggy, spit it out. What’s eating at ya?”

He had quickly prepared an explanation in the last few moments drive here; he hated lying to his friends, least of all Gladios as the man had a sixth sense for knowing when something was amiss, but he had deemed it appropriate given the acual reason for his distraction.

“I admit that I have not been feeling myself of late Gladio. I have narrowed it down to the last hunt that we were on. The wasps excreted some kind of noxious gas whilst they were attacking us, I must have inhaled it.”

“So, not that cute girl that was checking you out at the station then?”

Gladio stared at the advisor intently as he said this, looking for any hint that his suggestion was the reason for his distraction as they made their way down the rocky incline towards the haven, but if it was, he was hiding it very well, as he never even faltered.

Ignis’ heartbeat doubled in speed at Gladios words, to hear that you had been looking at him the same way he was you. But years of surpressing his emotions and keeping a calm demeanor; even in the face of disaster, had allowed him to keep his composure in front of his friend, and let him continue with his charade.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, I did not see any ‘cute girl’ as you put it. Like I said, I surmise that I inhaled the toxic gas from the wasps.”

“Hmmm. Well I think you better use an Elixir, before it gets any worse.”

Ignis placed the supplies down onto the platform next to where Noct and Prom had dropped what they were carrying before running down to the fishing spot at the waters edge, and stared blankly at the runes that protected the site as they started to emit a faint blue glow in tandem with the sunset.

“We only have one left, and best we save it for a dire circumstance. They were far too expensive at our last stop, I shall procure more tomorrow.”

Satisfied that Ignis was telling the truth; his logical reasoning and placid temperament much more like he was used to, Gladio began setting up the tent for the evening, calling out to Noctis for him to catch something decent for dinner.

After serving up a meal of wild travelly and vegetables for the group; much to Noctis disgust, Ignis had gone back to the car and retrieved a hidden book from the trunk that he had taken from the Citadel before leaving Insomnia. Usually they weren’t permitted to do such things, bit he had persuaded the librarian that it would vastly aid them in their travels. He sat cross legged on one of the camp chairs and flicked through the pages, quickly reading through the descriptions of known daemons, in search of one that would, or could, make him the way he was feeling now. The emotions weren’t unwelcome, but they were distracting him from his duties, and that was not acceptable. Not once had you left his mind, the exact moment he saw you replaying over and over in his thoughts. He had uncharacteristically shed his gloves when his palms had become sweaty, his jacket soon following as his temperature rose to unbearable heights, even though the night air was decidedly chilly.

Ignis snapped the book shut when he found no deamon or entity that could subdue him like this, so he backtracked to his original idea that the poison from the wasps had caused this, and that he needed to sleep it off. He collected up his things and headed towards the tent, glancing about the camp to see Noct and Prompto playing Kings Knight yet again; looking like they were about to re-enact their last battle in real life, and stopped at Gladios side to inform him of his decision.

“Gladiolus, I’m afraid I must retire for the evening. Would you mind keeping an eye on those two? We are not equipped for anymore bloodshed today.”

Gladio peeked over his book to where his friends were squaring up to each other, shaking his head and chuckling as he gave Ignis a thumbs up, before returning to the chapter he was currently engrossed in.

Ignis crawled into the tent and carefully folded his jacket and placed it to one side, getting changed into his sleeping clothes and plcing the rest of his garments neatly onto the pile. He let out a heavy sigh as he took off his glasses and climbed into his sleeping bag, the backflips in his stomach getting worse as he closed his eyes and attempted to sleep.

**His eyes flickered open a few hours later to see the rest of the group sleeping soundly next to him, the only sound coming from Prompto, who had a habit of mumbling in his sleep. Stealthily creeping out of his bag and to the door of the tent, he opened the zipper inch by inch as to not wake his companions, and slipped out into the camp. Still, not a sound was in the air, so what had woken him? Even though he had forgotten his glasses, he scoured around for something about, his hand twitching when he spied movement in the trees not far away. Summoning his daggers in a flash of blue, he jumped down off the platform and ran to where he saw the disturbance, the all too familiar prickle at the back of his neck erupting again. He exhaled through his nose to control his breathing when he lost sight of whatever is was that was out here, freezing to the spot when a soft voice rang through the air.

“Hey, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Ignis turned around slowly to face the person that had called out to him, instantly dismissing his weapons and staring wide eyed when he saw you leaning up against a tree, wearing a simple cotton dress. His hands began to tremble as you took several steps towards him, his mouth agape as if he wanted to say something, but words seemed to have been lost to him as you stopped about a foot away, close enough that your perfume tickled his senses in the most seductive way he’d ever felt before.

“Not a big talker? That’s okay, I’m sure that there are plenty of other things you can do with that mouth.”

Ignis swallowed hard as you closed the gap between you, trailing your fingers up his torso through his black t-shirt until you reached his neck, curling your forefinger under his chin. His mind felt dizzy at the contact as his eyes drifted over your sensual expression, the growing fire deep within him becoming harder and harder to contain when he could feel your breath against his lips, every part of him tensing up in anticipation. The second he felt your mouth brush up against his, every ounce of self control was thrown out of the window as he wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you firmly up against him, quivering as he deepened the kiss, his tongue probing your mouth; the taste of you more exquisite than anything he could have possibly imagined.

In the flurry of kisses and nibbles, he ducked down and curled his hands around the back of your thighs, lifing you up and walking you back to the tree that you were leant against, pinning you between him and the trunk. The nervous apprehension he was feeling had long since been forgotten as he used his hips to hold you up against the tree, freeing his hands to explore the silky skin he’d been agonising over of late. He could feel you shaking as he slid his hands over your legs, slowly pushing up your dress over soft thighs, his thumbs massaging little circles as he edged closer to your heat. A gasp caught in his throat when you broke away from his kiss and let out a soft moan into the sky, his own arousal spiking when you grabbed ahold of his shoulders, using the leverage to grind yourself against his groin.

The handful of experiences Ignis had participated in manners such as these made him want to ask permission to take things further, but one look at the fervent expression on your face told him that he didn’t need to. Snaking his hand between you, he stroked your mound through your underwear, not quite believing how wet you were even though all you had done was kissed. Emboldened by the gentle whimpering you were doing in his ear, he pushed the fabric aside and slid a singe digit through your crease, liberally coating it in your arousal before plunging it deep inside you, savouring in the feeling of your walls clamping around it…..**

Ignis sat up with a start and cluched his chest as it felt like his heart was about to pound out of his ribs, bringing up his other hand to wipe the sheen of sweat off his brow before it dripped down his face. He managed to slow his ragged breathing as he kicked away his sleeping bag, scowling at the hot, sticky mess that was now in his jogging bottoms. Without a second thought he grabbed a set of keys out of his jacket and fumbled his way out of the tent, hoping that his shuffling didn’t wake any of his companions, and ran as fast as he could barefoot to the Regalia. His heart still racing as he finally managed to unlock the trunk, he finally located the last Elixir from their supplies and crushed it in his hand, slumping down against the door as he waited for the potion to work. After several nerve wracking minutes, he realised that the curative had no effect on him whatsoever. He dropped his head in his hands and rubbed his face briefly, knowing know there was only one thing that he could do to sate his desires.

He must find you.

Tagging one or two that might like dis 😊 @hypaalicious @insomniasix @obsidianbutterfly @birdsandivory

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[ruinedbygaysstylinson]

hi there! i'm still somewhat new to this fandom but i'm familiar with bg and everything so i'm just wondering why people believe that liam is also stunting with cheryl? is he believed to be gay as well and this relationship with her and his baby is just another cover up? like i understand why people believe louis isn't really a dad but i don't see as much regarding liam? can you try and explain this??

Hi Nonnie!

First of all, welcome to the fandom. It’s a mess, but it’s our mess lol

I’m gonna be honest, when I first got this ask I had no clue where to start explaining just how fake Chiam is, and I wish I had a textbook answer for you. The best way I can put it is that literally everything about it makes no sense logically. None of it. Prepare for a lot of rambling.

Not sure how into the fandom you are, but if you’ve heard of RBB/SBB, they foreshadowed Chiam on Liam’s bday in 2015 at a show, using toothpaste labeled “Colegate” which is a nod to her first marriage, and the original babygate which had been labeled a couple months earlier.

As far as timelines go, Sophiam ended late October 2015. Charcole actually got married for the second time in mid 2014, and while her and her husband seperated in late 2015, they both wore their wedding rings into 2016, despite the fact that later it was hinted that Chiam began at the XF final in 2015. Chiam was announced in the exact same way every other stunt is: via an exclusive to Dick Wattpad from the Sun. Baby rumors started a couple months later, nearly 2 full months before the date Charcole supposedly conceived. During this time, Chiam made a few public appearances, all staged red carpets or pap walks, and they were never spotted together by fans outside of these. Charcole had a baby bump months before she was pregnant, and baited the media by putting her hand over her stomach in multiple events. After she became “pregnant”, Liam basically moved to LA and lived there for her entire pregnancy. He began partying, worked on his album, and acted like a single guy for the duration with no care in the world for Charcole. What a normal thing for a dad-to-be to do. They never officially announced the pregnancy, she just turned up obviously pregnant in December 2016, and then posed for Loreal with a massive bump on a campaign released in February. Her bump changed in sizes and height throughout the pregnancy, but she went into hiding so it was difficult to actual tell what was going on, which was 100% the point. The birth was announced via a single photo of Liam with a baby, despite the fact that usually moms pose with their baby. To this day, we’ve never seen the baby’s face, and Charcole has yet to show off her pride and joy. Privacy is one thing, but this is another thing entirely. If it wasn’t for Liam babbling on, you’d have no clue she had a kid.

So what are my issues with Chiam? First of all, her association with Satan Cowbell. They are besties. Judges together on XF, and recently I found out that she’s also an executive producer. Chiam was used to promote XF in late October with probably the cringiest moment they’ve had yet. If you hate Satan because of what he did to Louis/Harry, you better be concerned that Liam “willingly” shacked up with one of his friends.

Secondly, timing. Liam was planning a solo career. It’s been his dream for over 10 years. Why on earth would he decide to settle down in the middle of trying to launch his solo career, just months after ended a long term relationship? Basically this stunt forced him to “choose” between his career and his kid, which is NOT something that a loving partner would put you through. Charcole was also married until late 2016. If she was so desperate for a baby, wouldn’t it make more sense to have it with your husband rather than a guy 10 years her junior in a completely different stage of life? She’s old but she still has time. Literally everything about this relationship was set up to fail. Also, what exactly do they have in common? They moved so quickly that Liam never had to talk about her/why they are even dating. To me, the only things they have in common are that they were both in a band (with very different experiences..) and they have a kid together. Nice.

Thirdly, Charcole’s presence in his promo. In 2014 she released an album that flopped pretty badly because she really can’t sing at all her. Her fame came from her very public relationship drama and her association with XF when it was at the height of it’s fame. Her career is pretty much over and she’s most likely desperate for anything to reverse this progression. What better way to find new fans than to try and tap into one of the largest fandoms out there? Of course, she didn’t take into account the fact that we aren’t 13 year old girls with no brains, and therefore aren’t going to blindly stan her like people did with Sofa and Elk in the past. She’s ridiculously problematic as a person (she punched a woman in the face for doing her job and got convicted for assault, admitted to attacking her ex husband, dodged taxes via a shady company that closed in 2014 right when she turned up suddenly married to JB. The list goes on and on), and from what I’ve seen her personality stinks, so why would we support her? For the most part, people either dislike her or just don’t care at all. Bummer. Liam’s promo was the only way for her to get positive news out there about herself without her doing all the talking. Unfortunately for her, Liam went overboard and now people hate her just as much, if not more, than they did before this stunt. Just to be clear: normal celebs don’t launch their careers by constantly telling stories about their kid, s/o and hyping up their accomplishments from 8 years ago.

Fourthly, body language. This is a big one. Liam’s eyes in the very first selfie of them scared me to death because he looked so upset and resigned. Literally screaming for help with his facial expression. All along, the lack of intimacy between Chiam is pretty hard to dispute. They are not comfortable together at all, and I know some media sites called them out for faking affection on red carpets when they are distant in private in May 2016. Liam was a lot better at faking it last year as well, because he’s nothing if not professional. At XF this year, it was literally painful to watch them interact, and I made a post about that when it happened. Basically, as a couple they don’t have the familiarity that they should have considering all they’ve squeezed into less than two years. Liam also doesn’t talk about her fondly at all. If you pay attention, a lot of his comments just about her are negative: she scolds him, nags him, rolls her eyes at him, dresses him (in hideous pants, someone burn those), makes all the decisions about the baby, critcizes his music, etc, but at least she was famous back when he was 15 eh? (Them meeting at 14/24 when she was married for years is just another nasty aspect. She was in a mentor role and I’m disgusted she was okay with this stunt. It’s so wrong on so many levels.) Overall she sounds pretty awful to me, and that’s just based off of the picture Liam is painting.

And finally, the saga of Conchobear. The difference between actual celebrities having babies (think Beyoncé), vs Charcole is hilarious. No one ever saw her stomach when pregnant, she hid for months before and after the birth, and low and behold she popped back up with a new face! That’s the second 1D mom to get extensive plastic surgery when she should be caring for an infant. I seriously doubt she actually was pregnant, but that’s not something I’ll go into here. Liam was out working on his career a month after the announcement, and has been travelling pretty consistently since. He’s missed multiple important holidays; for example, on Father’s Day he flew from the US to Italy for a fashion show, and then back to the US. On Conchobear’s 6 month bday, Liam went out and did interviews. Do you really think that if Liam was an actual dad, he wouldn’t make every effort and move mountains to spend as much time as possible with his firstborn son? It just doesn’t make sense with what we know about Liam’s personality. He’s responsible, and he wouldn’t put himself in this situation. What he says, what we are fed, what he does, and what we know about him as a person don’t line up at all. Liam sounds like an amazing involved dad with his tales, but he lacks a basis in basic human development; his stories are cute and so unrealistic. Thus, Liam hasn’t spent any significant time with a baby. The entire stunt has been setting up single mom!Charcole, but Liam’s team has made sure to prevent her from calling him a deadbeat via the stories. It’s hard to say he was never around when he’s gushing about the kid in every interview. He’s also gotten worse at lying recently, and I get the feeling he’s tired.

So yeah, basically every aspect of this relationship is messed up in one way or another, and I’m expecting to see Chiam end sooner rather than later. If they are both out working on material, they won’t be able to hold it together imo. There’s definitely stuff I’ve missed and if any of my mutuals/followers want to add to this feel free. This is just stuff I thought of off the top of my head.

For specific examples of some of what I’ve mentioned you can check out the Twitter thread I linked below. It has some great resources and that account in general is amazing at breaking down stunt events. I’m also gonna reblog a post comparing Chiam to Zigi (another dead fauxmance) and Hiddleswift that is pretty interesting for you to look over.

https://twitter.com/EndBabygates/status/856439540831195137

Enjoy your stay in the fandom Nonnie. If you have any specific questions or need recommendations for who to follow, shoot me a message!

[sweatblvvdtears]

I think I'll be back like I'm used to but don't expect so much from me like I have my own depressive mode in high and low range sometimes and I'm not quite that fine yet . Pretty much sad or in hurt or in low mood on here or basically numb or just dark . Don't expect me to come in with happy or be in good situations whenever I'm on here because I might coming in such rage emotions , not that happy or sad or not alright to be talked with or near much but sometimes I need a company even though I've said I don't want . Mostly I'm here to vent or release the pain away and go with anything relatable . Personal . This is mine . I have rights to . I may need attention but I just don't want but I hate being lonely . I wished my mental disorders doesn't act up in sudden or get triggered due to something because it can be assholes even towards me . It's hurtful more to me . I'm just struggling all the times , everyone who knows me here frow past few years ago knows that I had never really been in happy much whenever I'm on here . I was and still here for personal reasons . I'm still healing and etc . Lots of things . It have up and down . Mostly down and in hurt . Sometimes I don't even know why I'm not happy even though I'm away from home or him , my father or anyone that hurting me . I'm just in depressed 25/7 . 2 hours alright and the rest , it all gone wrecked . Even myself . I will always need the right methods and healing . Total recovery . I still have to fighting till today . What ever it is . I have wounds in me all the times and I can't quiet sure know why it's still there . Something is breaking constantly inside of me . Like , i'm quiet in hurting , sometimes due to irl . Sorry but I'm not the right person for you to have fun or good with if my blog is what you think that you can be cheer with . It came randomly . I always brought dark vibes or somewhat sentimental around me . It always been like that . It just me . I'll try to change the facts or things but I can't much . If it's upsetting to me , it is hurting to me . Nobody should denied anyone's pain or anything that hurting to them . If it's sad , it is sad . It is , what it is . I may not happy much but I'm the understanding one . I have my own imperfections and weaknesses . Less on there , bigger or good at something else . Everyone is . Expect any emotions from me . I'm not the "sun" much anymore . I'm the "moon" or dark night . Sometimes rain . Or thunder or raging storm . Raining through afternoon day . What ever you can think of . But I will be there whenever anyone need me , I may not be much of helper but I'm the own versions of myself . "Not all dark is dark . Not all light is light ." I'm still trying to caring and exist on their life as much as they wanted me to and I do love and cares . I always there for people that I cared even though quietly . Sometimes things just bothering the fuck and hell out of me till I hurt people that I loved without realized . I'll try to be positive as much as possible but as I said before , don't expect good vibes much from me . I will always make people happy but not myself . It's just me . I'm sacrificing far too much for others but not myself and now look at myself nowadays . Dark , stress tf out even still young , sad and is in hurting . Lot more . I feel old already even though I'm not old much . Too old for anyone around my age in the inside . I don't felt "young" in the inside . I'm just constantly ... Dying . Pressured . Thinking too much and more . I don't know anymore . I'm no longer enjoying things much . The depressed and sadness also dark and etc last more longer than happiness much in me . I'm going in total reverse , different than others each months and years . I'm .... Tired ..... 💔

[conflictandscotchblog]

If It Doesn't Kill You, I'm Not Trying Hard Enough

I have been accused of trying to kill my youngest son, Danny. Not that I would murder him, more like ‘No good deed goes unpunished.’ It is just happenstance that Danny is with me when these opportunities to do good have occurred.

Maybe it goes back to my father, who was a lifeguard when he was younger. By the time I came along he no longer looked like a lifeguard (more like what I look like today), but in his younger days —with his full head of hair, half-grin smile, sport jacket and pipe — he cut quite the figure.

When I was younger, I was a bouncer. I walked through crowds, wearing the “I’m in charge here” shirt, broke up fights, threw out drunks and tried (tried) to pick up girls. It was a great time. Even after my bouncer days were over, I would still jump in and break up fights, though it proved more dangerous without the shirt (I’ve heard ‘who the fuck are you?’ more than once).

Like my father before them, several members of my family are in the life saving business. My late brother-in-law (a man wonderful beyond words) was a fire chief, two of my nephews are firemen and my youngest nephew, who just turned 16, has already started volunteering at the fire department. Over the years I’ve collected quite a few fire department shirts: Mount Bethel, Clifton, Orange — all places I have never (and never will at this point) have the opportunity to save anyone’s life.

One day, while driving with the kids, I noticed two cars pulled over on the side of the highway. A woman sat inside one of the cars while another woman stood next to her, talking on her cell phone. I stopped, told the kids to stay in the car, and walked towards the woman on the phone. She had called 9-1-1 because the woman whose car she hit complained of chest pains. As I got closer she looked at me and the concern drained from her face.

“It’s okay,” she smiled, telling the person on the other end of the line, “the fire department is here.”

I shook my head, pointed to the logo on my chest, and said, “It’s just the shirt.”

“Oh, never mind,” she said as her smile tagged out, “It’s just the shirt.”

It’s just the shirt. The next morning my testicles were on a milk carton; I haven’t seen them since.

Now, about killing Danny.

Earlier this year, we were coming out of a pizzeria in a strip mall when we noticed a car roll out of a spot and cross the parking lot. There was something wrong about it, something didn’t look right. As it rolled by, Danny said, “There’s no one in that car.”

And he was right.

The car was rolling across the parking lot towards the highway and rush-hour traffic. The only things in its way were a series of small, brick towers, about four feet high. We hoped they were enough to stop the two-ton jumble of metal from making its escape. We moved forward (like a dog chasing a car, I wasn’t sure what to do if I caught it) and watched as it, fortunately, crashed into one of those towers.

Danny and I went store-to-store looking for the owner. As we emerged from a Chinese restaurant we saw a man, brown bag in hand, step from the liquor store (answers a lot of questions). He stopped and stared at the empty parking spot. He looked left, right, up (up?) but failed see his car with its backend propped up on the half-fallen tower of bricks.

We walked over to the owner, explained what had happened, and then the three of us went to his car.

“You get in,” I told the owner, “and we’ll push you.”

Danny and I got behind the car, leaving the fate of our lives to a man with a bottle of liquor in one hand and his keys in the other. He stepped in and turned the key, the engine roaring to life as he hit the gas. Danny and I pushed forward against the trunk of the car, the tires smoking as they spun uselessly against the asphalt. What happened next was only somewhat surprising, considering this man had forgotten to put his car in park just a few moments ago.

The car moved backwards, pushing the small brick tower, and us, towards the highway.

“Hold it!” I yelled, and walked over to the driver’s side window. “You have it in reverse.”

He apologized and I went back and joined Danny behind the car to push a second time. The engine roared once more as a feeling of déjà vu washed over me.

“Hold it!” I yelled, and repeated what was not obvious to him, “You still have it in reverse.”

He mumbled apologies and then tried for a third time, with Danny and me standing safely to the side. Finally disengaged from the tower, he drove away. We waited until his tail lights disappeared over the horizon before we felt safe enough to leave, and then we headed off in the opposite direction.

When Danny was about 12 years old, we were driving home when a young couple in a minivan entering a fast-food parking lot inadvertently cut off a pickup truck with three men in the cab. The pickup slowed, and then cut across the highway into the lot behind the young couple. This was one of my Bouncer moments. I entered through the exit and drove around the building where the pickup truck had pulled in next to the minivan. I handed my cell phone to Danny who had no idea what was going on.

“Listen,” I said as I parked the car and started out the door. “If anything happens, call 9-1-1.”

Danny just sat there, his eyes wide, saying “wha...wha...what?”

Before stepping out of the door, not knowing what was going to happen next, I felt compelled to give Danny some real-world advice.

“A couple of other things,” I said. “Rosebud is the sled. Bruce Willis is a ghost. And for the love of God, no matter what you do, never watch Godfather Three. I don’t know what Coppola was thinking.”

By the time I stepped out of the car, the minivan had pulled out of its spot and headed toward the drive thru. Crisis averted. Although I scarred Danny for life, at least I’m sure he’s never going to watch Godfather Three.

And then there was — the couch.

One night, when Danny was about 16, we were driving on a not-too-busy highway (you would think Danny would stop driving with me by now) when I saw something in the road ahead. My first thought was that it was a car with its taillights out. As we got closer we saw what it was — a couch, lying on its side, in the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid it, and then realized someone could get hurt if they ran into it so I pulled over and we walked back to get it off the highway.

We could see pinpoints of headlights a few miles down the road, so we knew we had time. As we lifted we realized it was a fold-out couch, the dreaded mother of all couches. We tossed the cushions aside, keeping an eye out for the headlights as they grew larger in the distance. Danny grabbed one side and I grabbed the other and we lifted. Just then, the bed frame yawned open and as I stepped around to get a better grip, the shoelace of my right sneaker entangled with the metal frame, effectively tying me to the couch.

Have you ever watched a movie where someone gets their shoe stuck somehow with an impending disaster heading toward them? You watch and want to yell at the screen, ‘just take off the shoe!’, but they don’t — they never do. The music swells, there is fear in their face, and you think, ‘just take off the fucking shoe!’ Then, depending on the movie, they either get killed, or that last-minute effort frees them from their fate.

I’m here to tell you — you just don’t think about taking off the fucking shoe.

With Danny pushing, and my right foot being ingested by the couch, we try to drag this monster to the shoulder of the road. I kept looking up at the headlights as they twinkled toward me at a rapid pace. I told Danny to get off the highway as I still tried to drag myself and my new best friend to safety. Finally, with my last effort, I am able to disengage my foot and I stumbled, then fell, landing on the grass with Danny standing safely above me.

“Ok,” I said, “Let’s wait for these cars to pass and...” but I never got to finish that sentence.

A huge Ford pick-up truck smashed into the couch, sending foam confetti, fabric and splintered pieces of wood into the night sky. The truck never broke stride and soon disappeared within the sea of taillights that followed behind him.

We got back in the car and drove home keeping eyes open for that stray La-Z-Boy recliner or a suicidal ottoman that was looking to end it all.

So fear not for Danny. He is away at college now, just started his freshman year, so he is safe.

For now...