#and thats mixing with my medical anxiety of. Everything Is Going To Be Wrong

[hearty-an0n]

idk im just so tired

[youremyheaven]

Haha ashwaghanda is my savior right now. I was really depressed and neurotic about everything and that made me even more depressed because I knew there was something wrong with me and just wanted to be normal. So I really hated myself.

But I’d tried ashwaghanda in the past but really needed something to help me. (Im not able to see a therapist because I don’t have much money) so I bought a different brand and it literally had changed my life. It’s also mixed with St John’s Wart, which is another herb and helps with depression. But it does interfere with medications so be careful if you take it.

I was afraid to start it because everyone says it can make you numb but it really didn’t for me. I feel more stable and more at peace I guess. Also you’re supposed to cycle it every 3 months or something. Lmao how I first noticed it was working was I noticed my handwriting got suddenly so much neater lol. Like in the past it was messy and illegible, so I was like hold up… why can I actually read what I’m writing. I think it was a reflection of my mental state. I actually understand myself now and in the past few months have genuinely started loving myself. It didn’t make my anxiety go away but I guess I’m able to realize that I can handle it now. So yeah haha my experience is pretty great so far!

thats amazing!!! when i first tried ashwagandha when i was 19-20, i had a really good time, i slept like a baby, i felt calm and generally more at ease etc

but i tried ash again last year and oh boy 😭😭😭

it made me suuuuper foggy and lethargic, i couldnt even stand up to get out of my bed sometimes bc it made me super out of energy,,

a common side effect of ash is anhedonia, which is described as the inability to feel pleasure and a lack of interest in life. i felt that,, its so interesting to me that you mentioned handwriting and how yours got neater because my journal entries from the time are soooo illegible, messy and looks like the textbook definition of someone whose cognitive capacities were impaired 💀💀🤐 it made me anxious asf, my heartbeat would be racing for no reason 💀💀my brain was sooo cloudy, id sit down on my bed and then 5 hours would pass by just like that and i wouldnt even know it 💀💀i felt very woozy, like my room was floating or smthng 😭

i was severely dissociated and extremely fatigued but i will admit that i did take too much of it 💀💀and i didnt cycle it 😭😭

i think different people react differently and its also impacted by our underlying state of mind and general condition i guess.

i did have a good experience with ash the first time around which is why i took it again last year, only to turn into a zombie cause of it lmao ,, it took me months to recover from it 😭😭

im really glad you had a positive experience bestie <333 its wonderful that ash did all that for you!! when it works, its truly incredible!!

to anybody thinking of taking herbal supplements, PLEASE exercise caution, take it in small quantities, do your research on its impact on any specific conditions you have etc

[shitidontsay]

I am an addict.

This is something I have struggled majorly to be honest about. with myself, with others, in my journal, in therapy. But something needs to give. Especially if I want to pay 345 per therapy session.

I have been stealing drugs since 2015. It started with Melissa and her dexedrine. I would purposefully study with her, despite her driving me nuts - just so that I could take her medication. I justified this because of what it did for my grades. I went from struggling and getting mediocre grades to getting a 3.85 or something. I understand there was undiagnosed ADHD, but this was addict behaviour.

I was secretly smoking weed in university, often. I was also drinking on occasion before classes. I can only really remember a handful of times, but it was happening.

Grad school was similar. I was abusing whatever stimulants I could get my hands on. I also remember one day where I took FUCKING ACID and went to class. I said I had a migrane. My pupils were dilated.

I then was buying cocaine. No one knew I was buying it myself. Mikalyla only knew that I bought it from her once. I was doing it before dates, at work, on weekends etc. I was then smoking wed and taking Benadryl to be able to fall asleep.

I knew this was a problem, so then I got prescribed my own ADHD medication. The bad relationship I had with drugs immediately fell into place with this as well. I downplayed my abuse, but realistically it started the moment I began taking this medication. I would constantly be counting my pills and calculating what I could take and when. It was NEVER a relationship where I took what I was prescribed when I was supposed to.

COVID expanded this, and i abused alcohol and weed on top of the stimulants. I often went to work drunk or high. At some point, the alcohol tapered back, but did it? I remember so many nights when I was living alone, post-Mat where I would order alcohol to get delivered to the apartment, and I would drink alone. That night i hung out with Ryan I was a bottle of wine deep and had been smoking weed all night. The first few dates with Os, where he was not drinking - I was. I was drinking almost a bottle of wine before we met and hiding it.

I've lied about quitting stimulants multiple times - when in reality, I was simply refilling my prescription and blasting through a 100 day supply in a month. And now I am stealing meds from my lovely wonderful partner who has no idea what is going on. I have also gone to his house and used his MDMA and ketamine without him knowing.

That is the catalyst for me writing this. Lately, I have been drinking secretly, and no one knows. Last night I had two drinks after work, went to his house, snorted some drugs, and then felt weird about what I had consumed so I attempted to mix some salt and MDMA into the bag of K. Obviously SO dumb because the texture and smell/taste was wrong. I was so anxious last night and this morning and then spent this morning trying to fix it or dilute it. I am just praying he doesn't realize what I did, or blame me. But honestly who knows. I might be fucked. Another lie. DESPITE THIS. the fucked up thing is that I came home, was so anxious - and what did I do? I poured a fucking drink. I am sitting here, before 9am, drinking a gin-water-lemon juice concoction to manage my anxiety.

At this point it's obvious there is a problem. I have opened up slightly to Os - and it felt lie radical honesty at the time. But in reality there is so much that no one knows. Everything I read about recovery talks about the importance of honesty and forgiving yourself. And I feel like I am so far away from that.

So thats where this blog comes in. I think I need to be fucking brutally honest with myself and write about these things.

What I really want for myself is to end 2023 with honesty and being clean. I want to write everyday about what is going on, open up about my anxiety, and stop avoiding what is underneath. I have no idea how to do that, but I am going to try.

[9tzuyu]

children of tragedy (rewrite)

note: heyo, rewriting an old fic of mine. i hope to be able to rewrite all 5 chapters quickly. if you guys don’t like it, i won’t continue because its kinda dark and idk i feel like no ones gonna like it anyways. please leave feedback though, im on my knees begging for validation. also sorry if its ooc, please forgive me.

++ sorry the beginning reveals how rusty my writing is </3

(*** i wrote this as as a fem reader fic because it worked easier with how i wrote things.)

+ please remember that this is purely a way to get out my own feelings/struggles in a healthy way. also i’m sure this works better as a ship fic, but someone asked for this version so yeah :).

** mistakes are mine im too tired and lazy to proofread right now.

warnings: talk of alcohol abuse, slight mention of domestic abuse.

🏷 @peggycarter-steverogers

ch.2 | ch.3

[love, fragility, and the memories that eat us alive.]

meeting wanda changed everything for you. she wasn't like anyone you’d ever known. she was always kind, never quick to lose her temper or scream and yell at you for things you couldn't possibly control. she was warm, tender with everything she did.

your relationship with her was very new to you. it was much different in comparison to your past experiences — and you weren't quite sure what to think of it. there was no doubt that you appreciated her and everything she did for you, but you were still waiting for her to snap. it was almost like a need burning throughout your body. being able to grasp the idea that someone could ever really, truly be gentle with you was out of the question. in turn, you’d push all of her buttons, hoping that she would get mad enough and get it over with.

no one could really fault you for it. the steady stream of abuse was the nearly the entirety of your life, both physical and mental.

lately wanda was having to pick you up from wherever she could find you, most of the time in the alleyways of of bars you’d been kicked from.

once you were drunk enough (anyone really) you weren’t afraid to say the first thing that came to your mind, offensive or not – which meant it was no surprise when you’d been involved in fights. the alcohol numbed a majority of the pain anyway, so didn’t really make much of a difference to you.

with this happening so many times, you figured wanda would be angry with you – perhaps so angry she would find it within her to hit you. but each and every time wanda brought you home, she made sure you were comfortable before tending to your inuries.

what you didn't know was that being so worried for you all the time, every second of everyday, was beginning to take a toll on her. wanda only wanted to fix you, but you were making it more than difficult for her to do that.

she knew very little about your past, simply because you didn't like talking about it and she didn't want to push. but there was no denying the fact that wanda was curious.

sometimes she would ask questions, only between the soft moments the both of you shared. much to her dismay, most of her curiosities were turned down. on the rare occasions you shared brighter memories of your childhood, wanda would bookmark them in the back of her head.

no harm would ever come from her, but you didn’t know that. at least not right now.

too many times had your exes used the trust you’d so politely given against you. to be fair with wanda though, you shared only the brightest parts of your childhood. they were very seldom, but the ones you could remember were the ones you enjoyed talking about the most. 

despite her limited knowledge, it wasn’t hard for her to tell that you’d already been hurt plenty of times before. apart from the fact that wanda was overall truly a good person, it made her even more gentle with you than she’d ever been with anyone before. 

on top of that, wanda wasn’t stupid. she picked up on every little flinch you tried to hide, or the times you had to ask her if it was okay if you could do something on your own free will, and she definitely didn’t forget about the countless times you berated yourself over small, humanly mistakes. a frown never failed to decorate her face when these things happened. 

wanda tried her hardest to make it known how much she loved you, and how she would never intentionally hurt you. she never once lifted a hand on you or raised her voice in the slightest, even when she felt like she’d met a breaking point.

the last few weeks seemed to be putting more stress on her than usual. the gashes on your body seemed to be cutting deeper and the bruises on your jaw and rib cage were beginning to turn a darker shade of indigo as each fight became more aggressive. your knuckles had been swollen, irritated to the point your hands trembled when your palms were held open.  

you completely missed how drastically wanda’s mood had changed. she became quiet, seemingly lost in thought most of the time until she needed to take care of you. she grew tired, a purple tint claiming a spot below the lip of her eyes. fifteen pounds of weight had shredded from her body and her head grew dizzy every time she stood up. none of that mattered to wanda though, you were her number one priority.

alcohol was the biggest issue in the way. if wanda could get you to stop drinking for just one night she might be able to reason with you. 

the brunette knew that was out of the question though, because she knew no matter how many times she told or expressed her love for you, you wouldn’t stop until you wanted to, not when she wanted you to. 

you never allowed yourself to be vulnerable around her, so she never knew how you truly felt about the things going wrong in your life. there was an unbearable amount of pain when it came to confronting what you tried so hard to push away. the idea of allowing yourself to heal, to mourn the things taken away from you caused a lump in the back of your throat. living in denial was the easiest way to cope - that was as long as you could bear the damage it created.

 (and whether wanda knew it or not, knowing that you were causing her so much misery was the worst feeling you’d ever faced. all she had ever given you was love and in return she was met with destruction.)

so once again you found yourself walking alone, a slight stagger between steps. it was cold, each breath exhaled from your lips could be seen vaporizing into the air. every movement ripped what balance you thought you’d gained right out from underneath you. the feeling of numbness in your fingertips brought your attention away from the fact that you didn’t know where you were. 

the buildings all looked familiar, but everything was hazy. being drunk wasn’t always the fun everyone bragged about. too tired to carry on, you found yourself slumped in the back of an alleyway next to a dirty garbage bin. it reeked of sour, expired food, but you’d given up on caring about anything else other than trying to drink yourself numb. 

your mind began to wander. flashes of early mornings with wanda’s hands wrapped around your waist, breath tickling the back of your neck while the sun began to rise started filling your thoughts. the warm feeling wanda gave you outweighed every bad emotion you could possibly think of.

but as you stared at the ground beneath your feet things began to spiral. your throat contracted, the guilt you tried so hard to swallow began clawing its way out of your body.

(and holy fuck you could not deal with this right now.)

you curled your head between your legs in an attempt to shield yourself away from something that was born from the inside.

it was too much.

without a chance to stop what was happening, your stomach began heaving. a mix of bile and alcohol drooled from your mouth as you continued to vomit.

you missed the sound of footsteps coming from behind you. the feeling of a hand on your shoulder caused you to jerk back, slamming your back into the brick wall.

“hey, hey, it’s me. you’re okay. it’s just me, wanda.” she cooed.

through teary eyes, you looked up at the woman in front of you.

she’s your girlfriend.

(but you weren’t sure that you deserved to call her that after everything you’ve put her through.)

“what are you doing here?” your voice wavered as you wiped your mouth free of excess vomit. you sniffled backing away from her.

she tilted her head, desperate to read what your eyes would give away. “i’m here to bring you back home. can you stand up for me?” you shook your head. you were too exhausted and dizzy from the alcohol to even think about standing.

“that’s okay,” she whispered. “here, i’m going to pick you up, okay? wrap your arms around my neck and your legs around my hips.”

“mkay.” your speech was still slurred, but at that point all wanda cared about was getting you home safe.

you didn’t remember the ride home or wanda carrying you out of the car to lay you on the couch. by the time she got the supplies she needed to wrap and tend to your wounds, you were completely passed out.

when you woke up you were greeted with a glass of water and an over the counter pain medication. you swallowed the pills and moved to set the glass on the coffee table, but wanda beat you to it and took it out of your hands. she smiled down at you, taking a seat next to you. she tucked your hair behind your ears, giving your face one last gentle stroke.

thats when you noticed her eyes were red.

you immediately sat up, crossing your legs and moved closer to her. you’d hoped to comfort her somehow, but the shake of her head broke sonething inside you.

you bit your lip, anxiety shooting throughout your body. she sensed your nervousness and took your hands in hers, rubbing circles on the outside of your wrist with her thumbs.

“i love you, you know that. at least i hope you do,” she let out a soft laugh. “but i can’t keep doing this.”

your heart dropped, and you could feel the all too familiar feeling of guilt building its way back up. you tried to speak, but wanda cut you off.

“i need you to hear this.”

when you didn’t respond she took the opportunity to continue saying what she needed to get out.

“i have exhausted myself to a breaking point. i can’t keep worrying about you every single night you’re gone. i can’t be there every time you need saving. i’m losing myself.”

she paused to check and see how you were handling her words. for once you weren’t shutting down. you were genuinely trying to process what she was trying to say.

(and she was so proud of you for that. she almost considered giving you another chance. but she knew for the better, she couldn’t do that. not to you, not to her.)

“i’ve packed your things. you can leave tomorrow morning if you wish, i don’t mind having you for another meal or two.”

she squeezed your hands and got up from the couch, allowing you to take in what she said. it was in that moment when you realized that even when she’d finally drawn the line, had enough, she didn’t yell at you. she wasn’t angry, she was just sad.

you were chasing after something that wasn’t there, and it never would be there.

and now you were able to register just how much you’d fucked up the one good thing in your life.

[patheticfrogarchive]

anyway tw for me talking abt my asshole 

ANYWAY update on my anxious breakdown re: my colon and asshole. my ass is bleeding like its BLEEDING for about a month now every 2-7 days ill go to either pee or poop, wipe, and then wipe again, and theres a tiny lil spot of blood. and i kNOW its not from my uterus bc 1) im not on my period every day of my life 2) i specifically like. pat my hole to see. like it was a TINY amount to begin with i mean i wouldnt even have noticed it if i wasnt specifically looking for it and it was always just one dot and thats it. never mixed in w my pee or poop that i could see, never randomly throughout the day, always jsut one lil dot

BUT OF COURSE im paranoid so i fucking ordered an at home lab test colon cancer screen so i shat in a box and mailed it in and SURPRISE they found no blood in my shit nothing wrong with me and youd THINK that combined w my 100% normal bloodwork would finally calm me down but NO im still worried

i dont actually know the human body anatomically but i remembver reading something that was like “ur colon is on ur left” so magically  a few weeks ago i started feeling like. a vague ache/twinge/whatever in my left side like up near my chest and like of course i go “fuck its my colon im dying” even tho my dad was like “you stupid thats not where ur colon is”. amazing that i only started feeling something after expecting to feel soemthing

anyway my parents are convinced its a hemorrhoid and my mom has a LOT of experience with those so like, she would know. anyway yesterday my asshole like, felt itchy and bad and uncomf and i felt like there was something like... slipping out of it??? anyway my mom says thats a hemorrhoid and sure whatever but im still freaked out. anyway today at work i went to drop a turd and my ass bled that little dot and i was like ‘ok thats a little more than usual’ and i patted AGAIN and there was more blood. and more. and like, ok it wasn’t actually a lot like its not like i was bleeding out  and it wasnt gushing or anything but compared to the previous times it was more, but also im finishing up my period so ??? but also i specifically only patted my butthole. and it happened every single time i went to the bathroom at work, even if i just pissed. and my asshole felt like, scraped raw and it was itchy and uncomf and i hated it. 

so during my lunch break i called my doctor and made an appointment to get examined in like 2 weeks which. im obviuously GONNA do it bc while this is prob just a combo of shitty retail rough toilet paper, me rubbing too hard, and me giving myself a hemorrhoid by straining too hard a month ago, id rather be safe than sorry. but also i am NOT looking forward to having a FUCKING FINGER up my ASSHOLE i barely managed to get thru my first vaginal exam a few months ago idk how im gonna get thru a fucking finger up my goddamn ass

and also when i got home i was like ‘ok im gonna check my asshole in the mirror and its gonna bleed i bet but at least ill see it’ fufcking nothing. no bleeding, magically not itchy and raw anymore, i even got some toilet paper and rubbed at it but??? nothing??? and like idk what an asshole is supposed to feel like but everything seems completely normal lmfao. tho sometimes it feels like. not liek my ass is gonna fall out but like. like theres a tiny thing in my ass thats ABOUT to come out but when i go to try and poop it out nothing will come and i dont actually feel like i need to do a whole poop. its like somethings stuck in my hole but there isnt anything??? anyway that feeling comes and goes like i had it a month ago and then it went away afte rlike 3 days but its back  now and ugh

anyway my current hypothesis is that its just shitty target sandpaper toilet paper ripping my asshole to shreds and also a hemorrhoid that i gave myself. but also i cant help but worry bc im fucking bleeding from my asshole and im terrified im gonna die at the ripe age of 23 of colon and/or asshole cancer.

i also have had like. not a headache not dizzyness but SLIGHT ever so slight like. lightheadedness? idk i feel off headwise so of course im like “oh my god im anemic bc im bleeding internally” even tho my bloodtests from like a month ago showed that if anything ihave MORE red blood cells compared to last time i got tested and im not in fact anemic. but also idk anything medical and so of course im like “BUT WHAT IF THINGS HAVE CHANGED” anyway in an ideal world i would probably be getting a blood test every week bc im fucking paranoid.

 i have also been sleeping horribly due to anxiety lately so im prob just tired but bASICALLY IM STRESSED LMFAO 

if anyone read all this. sorry. 

[pani-slunce]

To my sister

Hey sis it’s me uh

Oh I’m Eszti but you also knew me as your big sister so

Sorry, I called you the wrong name, see abusive seems more fitting

See you may not have been like my grandparents who beat for the “religious crimes” I was committing

But doing what you did hurt me worse then any type of physical hitting

You know what was up, you know when we were young I loved you more then a sister

Had me in the bathroom saying “stop kissing and try to resist her”!

You felt it too, you may not admit it to your husband

Afraid of admitting what we had will get you into some trouble

I still remember when we were kids you abandoned me like I was nothing

Our grandparents caught us in bed together while we were lovin

We both got a beating so bad my leg was too broke for running.

So we made a pact of trust that we will help each other through the abuse no matter what

Until you chickened out and threw me under the bus, called me a pervert, faggot, molester, a child of Satan and everything under the sun, saying you tried to keep it hidden but now that your done

Until the next day you left in a hurry leaving broken me as the only one

My grandparents believed all your lies and as a result my torment had begun

For the first few months they locked me in the closet, thinking that being isolated will cure me being gay but did the opposite

What made it worse was the only contact I had was my domestic kidnappers who gave me some food and read me bible versus

From everyday since then I wanted to be carried away in a hearse, and you leaving only made it worse

I sat wondering if I’d ever see the light that keeps being preached to me, but not being able to tell if it was night or day made me even more gloomy

Trying to find anything in the closet thats sharp and can go right through me

After a few months of isolation my grandparents let me out, there only reason was so cops wouldn’t be called to the house

I had to enroll back in school which is exactly what I did, not knowing what to do and suffering from trauma as a kid

I was always the shy one and you knew that, without you I can’t even talk to others for 5 minutes without getting a heart attack and falling flat

Dealing with so much at school then coming home to be beaten. I was too scared to call the cops for so many reasons

A few days of school and I painted my school uniform black, it was symbolic for what I see when my parents used to break objects on my back

Because I blacked out from the pain, not that you would know, you lived a happy life day by day

Getting no sleep and being beat until sunrise, why didn’t I just die, because the lord wanted to see my demise for my crimes

I admit it, yes I fell in love with my own sister, we tried our best to keep it hidden but that doesn’t mean we need to be killed for being different

No childhood, at the park I tried to make my mark, but it was ruined when my grandma would tell the children that I will cut and gut them and hang them up like art

That’s why in all of grandmas photos the children stand far apart, all the kids together smiling and the kid in the back standing in the dark

The bullying from kids got worse as the years in school progressed, mix it with abuse and social anxiety and you get a new level of stress

Wearing black while looking like a freak made me feel like I was stronger inside, because I knew my family and the lord weren’t at my side

And I never knew why, some people are just born on this earth to be used and die

On the bright side I knew when I arrived in hell that Satan couldn’t hurt me if he tried

Suicide attempt after suicide attempt made my mind twist a bit, because even at ending my own life I was dog shit

I just wanted to quit, I didn’t care living or dead I just exist and the final straw broke when I found out that half the kids that hurt me was because my grandmother paid them for it

After a over a decade of abuse from almost everyone I knew, I ran away hopeful that I could live with you

Ya know in all of those years I prayed that you would be my rescue, that you would come through

I even tried to scare my bullies off using you, I’d say “when my sister comes, their won’t be anyone she can’t breakthrough” saying it out my bloody mouth as my eye was bloodshot red from being beaten black and blue

But you never showed, did you?

It took weeks of searching and help form police to find you

I knocked on your door hoping to be reunited in open arms, but when you answered you sounded a alarm

Called your boyfriend and told him that I was trespassing and harrasing you, did your head blow a gasket

He made me leave and all I could do is cry and weep

After all those years of your lies you still blame me

You didn’t say hi or that you were sorry, I couldn’t go back to my grandparents so i joined the army

When I passed all my medical test I thought that maybe for once I’ll have a ok year

I even got my job field of being a engineer, but what I didn’t hear is that they pick the specific job, I thought I’d spend my time in the army grinding gears

But no I spent my years trying to diffuse bombs as bullets appeared, with the slightest mistake and I wouldn’t be here

So many counties seeing the worst in every human being, as you were at home worrying about premature creation of offspring

After a few years I got charged for doing the right thing, I was charged for murder when I killed terrorist?!?

Something that is celebrated by a lot of other veterans, because I was “cruel” to the very people that kill innocents is breaking the rules

I was dishonorably discharged, no pay, no benefits

Let’s not forget the negative papers to tell any future employers that I’m mentally deficient

After all this time a few days ago you decided to show up at my house with your spouse

We tried to catch up after all this time but you acted like your memory was hazzy, and you did apologize even though it was rehearsed and lazy

But what your husband said made me go crazy

Saying that he hated that I was in the army because he has “morals”

And that even though I’ve been in combat I should be able to act normal

I may have done a lot in the military, but it opened my eyes to a world I wasn't supposed to see

Made me happy that I didn't know you

But seeing you at that table made it suck cuz you didn’t give a fuck

Still after all of these years, you still hide behind your mistakes

I tried to be passive

But your husbands mouth was massive

I don’t care you love him more than me, he had to get his ass kicked

I just thought I get this off my chest, I have to type it on tumblr because I know when it comes to ignoring my calls you try your best

You will always keep lying sis

About you being a faggot, bitch

You couldn’t even look me in the eyes to talk sis

And after all of this I could still forgive you if you talk sincerely sis

But now if I ever got the chance to ask you sis

And call you

I hope you answer

I really hope you answer

When I call

I hope you pick up your phone

I want to talk to you

Please answer

[anincrediblelife-blog]

A “new normal?” I don’t think so...(?)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I remember the day like the back of my hand. I had just been admitted to the Johns Hopkins hospital, hooked up to oxygen and IV fluids. I was meeting with my new team of oncology doctors.

They went over my plan of treatment and what to expect. Naturally, as many would also probably respond as, I blacked out. I’m sure it was the lack of oxygen and the mix of pain killers, but I honestly don’t remember any of it. The room went dark, I could hear them— feel their pressence, but my mind had basically burst into a million pieces. So much information given to me in...in what, maybe 30 minutes, tops?

Chemo was a drag, as most would expect. I handled it well, quite honestly. I got sick maybe once or twice my first round, but it was smooth sailing the rest of the way. Fatigue and the emotional sobbing was my biggest problem. It would come out of nowhere. I became sensitive to everything. The sun, the moon, and the stars would pop out and I’d be sobbing. I’d watch my 600lb life... and sob. I’d sit down for morning coffee, and sob. I didn’t fight the tears anymore.

Chemo does weird things to your body and your mind— you’re literally morphing into this lifeless, non-recognizable body. My hair fell out everywhere. My beard fell out. Christmas Day I was in the shower and globs of hairs were just falling out. A few days later I said fuck it, took my clippers, and pulled a 2007 Brittney Spears.

I began to look like my pubescent 11 year old self. It was weird. Just totally taboo.

I was facing a huge challenge now. This really hadn’t hit me yet.

But in all honesty, it wasn’t until my eyelashes, my eyebrows, and the hairs on my legs and arms began to fall out. It wasn’t really until I began to puff up like a fish from all the steroids; and gain the “Freshman 15” that I never did in college. That’s when it really hit me.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Holy shit, I have cancer.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

This “new normal” mentality was brought up so many times to me by so many people in the last year that I have learned to just ignore it...or at least try to.

Uh...Yeah, of course my life is going to change. I was just diagnosed with late stage metastatic ball cancer. I’m 24 fuckin years old, are you kidding me?

I was pissed, so mad at the world. What did I do to deserve this? Everything was finally falling into place for me. My career was taking off, I began to work on my masters degree. I was eating healthy and taking numbers. I had what I wanted. I had security.

I might have struggled financially, but I had begun to get my life together one step at a time.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I tried and tried to get back to my old self after finishing chemo, going through all these surgeries and getting back to my daily work life and weekend fun.

I was fighting this “new normal” mentality.

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As of recently, I think I’m starting to get what they meant.

I was doing so well, health related. Tumor markers were returning to a normal range, lung mets were still shrinking. I wasn’t worried.

But as I look back from the last few months, I see it now. Something was wrong. My mood fluctuated, my emotions were all over the place. I emailed my urologist to ask for bloodwork for T levels. My hormones went through quite a bit over the last few months— a lot of hormonal changes. T levels came back normal. I started working out again, getting my ass into shape at kickboxing. (What a great stress relief, by the way. I highly recommend.)

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I mean, yeah, I knew I was sorta depressed, but I was back to at least a little bit of what we say ~thriving~ nowadays.

“Living my best life.”

Or so I thought I was...

But then I began to run myself into the ground. I started drinking a lot, being reckless, putting my roommate and my friends through hell. There would be times she would come home and I’d be passed out on the floor from having too much bubbly by myself on a Sunday morning. It wasn’t healthy— for me or for her. I had to get my shit together or I was out. Never did either of us even imagine I’d be struck with cancer. The tension was high. We both knew it, but, at least for myself, I’m not afraid to say I like to avoid conflict.

I was self medicating because thats what seemed what was best for me. In reality, I was self-destructing. And a steady decline I was taking.

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For the last couple days I’ve had a lot of time to think. (Maybe too much time, to be honest.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I can sorta admit that I’m learning to accept these changes— this “new normal” mentality. I didn’t want to at first, but I think it’s ok. Instead of fighting to try to find the old me, maybe this “new normal” is a change that I needed.

A life style change? A new outlook? A restart button? Shut down, and reload.

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Two and a half weeks ago, I had a brain tumor removed. Yeah, the cancer came back. Six months post chemo, six months post surgeries, six months getting back to work, getting healthy— a brain tumor. Surgery went well. They got it all out and I’ll meet with oncology next week for further details and a plan of more treatment if need be. (I’ll be sure to update.)

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What...What I’m trying to say is that this brain tumor and this brain surgery and all that has opened my eyes even more to the “new normal.” The depression seems to have subsided, although I’m not afraid to admit I’m on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and sometimes I feel like maybe we all should just be on them. I truly feel happier. Everyone wants to be happy— and I can honestly say that I’m getting there. I’m working on it. I have my days. We all do. So I don’t let it bother me.

It’s made me wonder— this latest occurance— to think of it as a learning experience. Some higher power put me in this situation to really challenge me...again. And I’m succeeding.

I refuse to lose. I never was a loser. My competitve side really comes out sometimes, catching people off guard. I’m usually the sarcastic wise-ass in the corner cracking jokes.

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I need to start setting life goals. I want to travel more, I want to experience life like there’s no tomorrow. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s turning in a necessity now for me. Tomorrow is not promised. As cliches as it sounds, I want to carpe dium.

And that’s my plan. Carpe the shit out of that dium.

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Enjoy your day, my lovely friends ❤️

[fallenwarrioroflogosh]

A mistake long haunting

I am here, anonymously as I can be. Without harming the one I put through trauma and terror years ago at this point. But when you think about it, a year isn’t that long of a time, two..three. But it can be an instant moment of regret and intense emotion if reminded of such things.  I am the fallen warrior of lo’gosh. Once an active and outright boisterous member of the WrA Community since the server’s creation. Many laughs, storylines in the books as a memorable and important part of my life. 2016 came. The political spectrum of the US became divided. Some picked our current President..I  certainly did. He matched my ideals at the time. The jokes, the memes, everything. /b/ /v/, you get where I was. Alot of peers went the other way, or were smashed in the middle.  It filtered everywhere. Including my roleplay on Warcraft communities. I hit hard times in my life, and fell off the wagon. I wasn’t sober, I lost control of my inhibitions, had mood swings, and felt I was too strong for therapy. The friendships I made, became strained. I outright abandoned my roleplay group, raiding friends, everything with a snap of a finger. My IRL friends tried to help, including a person we will call Black.  Black is a passionate person. Tried to give me good speeches, got me a job, and hid my alcohol and cigarettes when I asked Black to. Black, was an amazing and caring friend. I took that caring the wrong way with Black.  I ended up becoming obsessed and falling in love with Black for their kind deeds. Black persisted through my mood swings and got me out to see our friends, including Blacks partner..a partner they’d had already been with for ten years..another of my best friends. We will call them Red. Red was also my best friend. Black and Red were always an interesting pair. They were both weird. But mix very well. Black and Red from what I see are still going strong. Congrats to you, Black. It made me so angry that Red had Black. Black was untouchable, and I was single and dumped my partner, no color name needed..in my spiral.  I found out Black, kicked a roleplayer of like mind and ideals to me, Skorest from their discord. I wouldn’t say we are the same. It is evident we are not. He is a much stronger person than I. More creative. Better jokes. Better character development. Black kicked him from a discord for a meme. Memes are memes. I won’t add anymore to it, because I am keeping as generic as possible. In my spiral at the bottom of the toilet filled with unflushed garbage, lashed out at Black. Figuring a joke could be to deliver KFC to the doorstep where Black resided, as well as drop watermelons off at the front door step late in the night.  Turns out Black didn’t live at that place. It was Blacks parents. Black had moved on due to me already being volatile away from World of Warcraft and making Black uncomfortable. But word got quickly to Black, including the notes on the fruits and deliveries of ‘ N******er Lover ‘ all over them and the ‘thats racist’ meme.  At the time..I thought it was funny. But I went too far. Firstly, I should have never left the notes. I knew of Black’s history of stalkers and those trying to harm Black. But I did it anyway. Secondly, I was unaware that Skorest received such a backlash for the behavior I had. Thirdly, Black or Skorest do not deserve a mistreatment for an action I did and I did alone. 

I am suffering the consequences of my ill excused behavior in the judicial system. I deserve to suffer from doing it. The ‘KFC’ Delivery I see on the tumblr blogs and post are asinine and you all should be ashamed of yourselves, as I am. No human deserves treatment like that. Black doesn’t deserve it. Skorest doesn’t deserve to take the fall for something I did. It did not help I did lash out at Red two times. The second time I lashed out at Black, Black tried to encourage someone[Green] to speak with Skorest. Black was going to reach out to send a well wishes and try and clear some air from stuff that filtered into WoW. That someone we will call Green. Green messaged me upset and anxiety ridden about his actions of that day. In my deranged and still depressed alcoholic-minded rage, went ahead and hacked Black’s discord and went to post N*****er memes in anything Black was in. I failed at that. Black further tightened the noose of the law upon my neck and that was when I hit a wall. I am fucked up. I am really fucked up and need help. I moved far away, on my own and got a new job, met new people, removed myself from World of Warcraft completely for a long time until recently. Under the guise of a new type of roleplay on Wyrmrest Accord, to continue and leave Red alone, and that history to just be a reminder of what never..to ever..do again. I am in therapy, I am closing in on six months away from drugs and alcohol.  I saw Black on one of their favorite characters this week. I am leaving Black alone, I am not going to contact Skorest. I am not going to talk to any of them. I want to move on, and keep this reminder that it is inexcusable to blame someone else for my misgivings. I am trying to not be a racist piece of shit to society and neck deep in therapy and medication to try and improve and be something worthy of society.  Skorest.....Black..... I am so...so so so so sorry. I know this will never be enough. But you won’t hear from me...again..or anyone you affiliate with, not intentionally. 

Anyone from the WrA community who reads this. I did it. I am remaining anonymous and keeping Black anonymous, because I am terrified the community will find me and get me fired from my job when Im trying to do better.

Fallen Warrior of Lo’Gosh

[worthsomethingtoday]

Our Interview with Upgrade

1. What is your names & what do you play in the band? 

 Upgrade - rapper, vocalist, emcee 

 2. How did the band get started?

 I don’t think i can really pinpoint a time when it started since I’ve been writing and making music forever, but I started to get really serious around high school. Thats around the time when I was giving out cds, playing live, and being confident enough to have people start listening to the music I was making. I linked up with some of my best friends and people I still work with to this day while working at Best Buy. We all did something in music whether it was DJing, producing, or promoting, and it kind of organically grew into a small team. 

 3. What has the funniest thing that has every happened to you on stage? 

 Its hard to narrow it down to one thing but a memorable moment was when I rolled myself up in the carpet on stage and performed with it around me like a cocoon. 

 4. If you had 1 million dollars in the music industry what would you use it for? 

 I would invest it into everything I’m doing now just on a bigger scale. I want to get my message out there and unfortunately money is a huge factor in getting things off the ground. A lot of times i would work 9-5 jobs in order to pay for my next video, or pay for a shipment of cds, any kinds of mercy, marketing, producing, mixing….All of this takes money. I’ve been in positions where lets say I had an idea for a music video that required top of the line special effects but for the budget I’m on, i wouldn’t get anywhere close to that so I would have to get creative with ways to do it on a budget. I would rather have that million dollars at the point I’m at now because if I were to get that money when i first started, i feel like I wouldn’t have invested it well and I wouldn’t have saw the side of really grinding and hustling and making things work. I think that all played a part in my learning experience and making me the artist i am today. 

 5.  If you could tour with any band or musician dead or alive who would it be with & why? 

 There are a list of my favorite artists that I would be honored to go on tour with but honestly my ultimate goal is to go on a successful sold out tour that I headline and be able to take the people who have been working with me at my lowest along for the ride. I think that pay off would be the best feeling in the world. 

 7. What do you think of the media frenzy over mental illness meaning should we talk about it more in the world I think bringing awareness to mental illness in anyway will help overall. 

I feel like it is still a very taboo topic since not everyone understands it. To hear from the people who go through it themselves I believe can help those who don’t understand get a better idea of what someone suffering from mental illness is going through. It helps others to not feel alone and get the courage to speak out about their own experiences. I think the only issue is when opinions become overpowering. Someone might be against the use of meds and be able to overcome their lows with natural supplements, while someone else may need a cocktail of meds in order to get out of bed in the morning. Someone might be able to overcome their mental illness by themselves while someone else might need to speak to a therapist. None of these options are wrong, but we shouldn’t shame one or the other. The goal should be getting people help and making sure they are able to live a comfortable life.

 8. Have you ever dealt with depression or any other mental illness & if so how did you handle it? 

 I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I never felt like I ‘got over’ either of them, but I continue to work harder on seeing them less often. For me, music is a huge outlet to get out feelings, I’ve tried countless amounts of natural supplements and remedies, I have tried everything from acupuncture to massages like reflexology, from therapy to hypnotherapy, meditation, I continue to read self help books, surround myself with positive people. I guinea pigged a bunch of different medications before getting on the cocktail that I am on now. 

 9. What would you say has been the most difficult or hardest part of your life so far? 

 For me it was finding the right med/meds that worked for me. It is really difficult to find hope during the times of countless failed medications. You start to feel like you will never get better. I had horrible withdrawal from some meds that kept me bedridden for 2 weeks straight, not enough getting enough energy to get up and shower. Brain zaps, insomnia, vomiting, vertigo, panic attacks, all constant for 2 weeks straight. I hope one day they can pinpoint symptoms as easy as a headache and get people the right med and dose that works for them right away. 

 10. What would you tell a fan that is struggling with self harm ? 

 Some fans have reached out to me telling me how my music has helped them stop themselves from self harming themselves and as much as I appreciate it, I also always advise them to get professional help. While I would hope that my music could stop you from hurting yourself for good, I still think it is important to seek out help and not feel embarrassed or weak for having to do so. 

 11. What is like when a fan comes up too you & tells them your music saved there life or get them though hard times in life? 

 There is honestly no better feeling in the world. I first started making music to help myself and get my own emotions out there and get through tough times but there is no better pay off than to see it help so many others. I don’t think it will ever be something I take for granted and I only hope that my music can continue to grow to reach more and more people who might be struggling with mental illness. 

 12. Does any of your songs talk about anything dealing with depression or self harm or anything along them lines. 

 My whole “Chemical Imbalance: Another Dose” album is all about dealing with all forms of mental illness. It was a project that I felt i needed to get out before I could work on anything else. To be that vulnerable, especially in hip hop, can be seen as being weak but I had to come to terms with my struggle with mental illness and put it out there without worrying about how people will judge me. In return, it actually ended up feeling empowering to be able to be that honest with myself and put those stories out there. 

 13. What would you tell some ones that scared to ask for help because they don't wanna be looked at differently.

 There is nothing to be embarrassed or scared about. You are human, and you deserve to get help. It isn’t about what anyone else thinks, its about you getting control of your life and focusing all your energy on getting yourself in a better position so you can grow. When I went to therapy, when I started meds, when I lived at home at 26 years old, all of these things made me feel weak and not as good as the next person but I needed to take that time to work on myself before I could move on and get to the place I’m in now. Dedicate every minute to your well being and know that in the end you will come out stronger than ever before. You may have to try different doctors, different meds, different practices, and it might not be a quick fix, but whats important is continuing to work on getting better. Appreciate every step that you take and be proud of the small achievements you make. 

 14. Do you think we as society should be able to have a conversation about mental health without being judge or looked at differently & do you think we should be able to talk about it in our school systems?

 Of course, but I also think we should talk about it without the fear of being judged. The more people open up about it and talk about it like any other topic, the easier that the conversation will be. 

15. Do you think the media should look at mental health in a positive light, more then just jumping to conclusions on the news? 

 The media needs ratings , and unfortunately those ratings come from scare tactics and “MENTALLY ILL MURDERER ON THE LOOSE” is going to have people tune in. I think outlets like your website will help more than mainstream media ever will.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Thoughts on this shitty day...

To say that I feel defeated today would be somewhat of an understatement. I take a step to share about my psychiatrist appointment with my mother and it backfires greatly... to hear her tell me that I’m almost 25 and should be off meds at some point in the not so distant future rather than increasing the dose of a current med might as well be a slap in the face. Does she think that being on medication has ever been my first choice? Does she think I was jumping up and down for joy when I agreed that going up on meds was the best option right now? The simple answer is NO! What if feels like she doesn’t understand is how much I’ve struggled with the fact that medication has been a necessary evil. That without it my life looks very different and my experience existing is pretty fucking miserable. This is not a decision I have ever taken lightly. She tells me I’m allowing my psychiatrist to “throw pills at me” just because thats his job. She was mad about the fact I was even on prozac even though I already told her about it months ago when I first started taking it. She went a step further to tell me she has a choice in what meds I take because I am on her and my dad’s insurance. Which while true is so extremely frustrating to me. She CANNOT nor will ever have a choice into what goes into my body. EVER! Trying to take that choice from me and mix your untrained opinion in is wrong.  You then imply that I am not capable of making sound decisions for myself. I made a collaborative decision with my doctor on medication and thats all that should matter. In this period of my life my anxiety is debilitating. When you cannot function or sleep because you anxiety is so bad there is a problem. When you have become physically sick due to anxiety there is a problem. If going up 10mg on medication can help that even slightly then why is that a bad thing? If in going up 10mg means I can sleep for more than 3-4 hours at a time why is that a bad thing? Why must there be such blatant judgement from a family member? I feel like things are made more difficult with my mom because I feel more supported by my chiropractor (who I’ve only known for a year) than her. I feel heard by him and judged by her. He is genuinely one of the best doctors I’ve ever had and goes above and beyond to support me in whatever way he can. As my day continued and I finally sat down to work on homework I couldn’t do it. So I ran even though I hadn’t had any food or water yet. I put on my running shoes and I ran. Started out as more of a sprint because the anxious energy needed to go and go quickly. Instead of crying again I needed to feel my feet pound the pavement. To feel the beat of the music in my stride. I needed to be angry, hurt, frustrated, and just sad. To put that all into a 5 minute sprint is everything I needed in that moment.  But after 2 miles and sitting on my sofa to take my shoes off anxiety started to creep back up again. If I didn’t feel like I could pass out I would have turned around and run some more. Running is one of the few times I feel whole. Where I feel like I’m untouchable. Where I can check out and embrace the music I’m listening to. It’s a time where I feel safe. But instead of running I got the dog food and then it was finally time to feed myself. Which occurred... and then it didn’t matter because I purged and got rid of it. Also cathartic, just in a different way. At this point I don’t even feel bad. It made the anxiety around dinner go away and I was able to sit on the floor without shaking. At least for a period of time. Now, as I sit here and write I am numb. Which, for tonight is more than okay.

[yungxyari]

3am thoughts....

I wanna write how I feel because its eating me up inside and when I try to express myself I get stuck First is first I messed up I wasn’t in the wrong from the beginning my birthday was great and for once I was absolutely happy not a care in the world first time in a long time. With happiness came a funny feeling for me those are never ever good when I say never I mean never bowling didn’t sound so right not after he expressed how tired he was something was off. Tuesday night is a night I’m done reliving I kinda just wished it never happened but since it did my next step is literally acting like it didn’t. Just to let it go After that night I shouldve blocked him but I didn’t I fucking didn’t block him I wanted to talk I wanted to work shit out when you love someone unconditionally shit like this tends to happen.. you just kinda sorta feel sick to your stomach giving up And this is the part where everyone gives in their opinion Why care about him if he doesn’t care about you his actions should show how he feels They probably are right but when you get to know someone you get to know them. And him I knew better then I know myself. Moving on I flipped my anxiety sucks I can’t control it it basically controls me and thats me upmost scariest feeling I have ever felt. I loose all sense of everything and im really going to try to get medication for that it fucking sucks and it basically dragged me to where I’m at the moment. Friday was hard after asking for nothing but the truth he wanted to still protect me and he lied I left work looking for nothing I shouldve went home I shouldve showered I shouldve laid down and once again BLOCKED HIM but I didn’t once again I let the anxiety the anger get the better of me. I really don’t have a valid explanation for any of my actions I swear I don’t and I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish by showing up at publix making a scene for what to drive him away even more. That isn’t the point he tried to check on me but it was already to late I was less then 500 feet from him with my heart beating almost out my chest not knowing my next move.. publix happened shit I’m not proud of another reason to apologize to C since his thing is he wants me to take responsibility.. he did me wrong asf me out of everyone he knows how I am and how I was with him and he took advantage of me of my heart and of my love and he abused it. Here everyone goes saying how can you feel that way at such a young age but me and the kid shared everything it was more of a friendship with the amount of unconditional love I believed we was throwing around… where do I continue Friday was Friday I ended up at my cousins party Lord help me that was a movie hen ciroc and beer pong how did I wake up the next day ask the devil because I don’t know I called him that night very mad at each other he answered on the first ring and I noticed I call he answers first ring second no more after that night. We talked for 21 minutes if I remember right the conversation I can’t tell you what was said but my drunken thoughts and sober words said anything and everything you can imagine. He was a dear the him I knew but better but caring but loving but supprortive things I havent seen in a while it felt good I felt good the call ended when G called me back in and 2 more shots later a bathroom converstaion occurred s/o to my girl A the first person to tell me something that makes sense not the default message I was getting from everyone because fuck him you deserve better really gets played tf out !!!!! that was over the party continued blasé blase “I’m finally in bed” text became a “good morning its work time “ text nothing too deep happened Saturday just the usual mix of emotions and feeling “I wish you were here right now” that broke my heart to pieces was the least of my worries. Saturday wasn’t bad and Sunday either I got an “I miss you” which made me feel great because fuckkkk finally I can confirm he feels the same Side note saturday I asked to b his first kiss of the year might not count for anything but it was important to me Sunday is where it began to fall not going into detail the day was good afternoon was good 7-9 was good I was out at first ignoring him but the kid just has a damn way of hoping back into my system. Spoke about fucking donuts which I was going to get delivered to him we left it at he’s taking a nap and that was it Till I got the feeling The feeling that fucks me over and shuts the reasonable part of my brain off. After this the outcome I lost my best friend I lost my keys I lost my self respect I lost my faith and hope and gained a charge Sunday Night was an eye opener well I thought it was Monday I woke up different it was good then sucked then sucked again it was great and at the end sucked even more at the end of this I stressed my mom out more then she is  and lost his trust and everything Tuesday nothing really to say and Wednesday which is today but it isn’t considering its 3 am was a lot.

It went a little of both good and bad. More bad then good ofc “your picture is on my mirror but I’m going to have to take it off soon” As young as I may b I know, I know the feeling you get when you just know and I just know its kid having someone say they saw a future with u even at 17 maybe not now Mayb in 5 years maybe in 55 but that means a lot I lost him but I didn’t. And thats all ill say about it it ended sad and I could hear in his voice I’m not the only one hurting he just sucks at even showing this emotion do u love me….the reply was given basically then I love you it hasn’t sounded that way in never and click. The little details are out but this is basically what I can think of now it was about 30 minutes it was a lot.. The Instagram pictures are gone. And d is posted. I’m not even sure if giving an opinion on this is ok but b basically It feels empty I deleted the February picture and kept it moving… I started this at 2:58 am and its 3:40 and I’m still sitting here with a million and one things on my mind. School is in 4 days and I still need a week tomorrow I’m asking my mom I really need it. I need anxiety help and I need weight help just the month of December I lost 4 pounds shit is real its no longer a joke

Idk if I want help or I wanna give up, cutting ur self is super middle school, and pills are a game… tonight I’m feeling like I’m tired I’m tired of it all I don’t wanna deal with anything going on anymore and I say this with my eyes getting teary eyed I’m fucking tired honest to the god I don’t even know if belive In I’m fucking tired I wanna die I’m making my moms life harder and she already has her own shit I’m not happy I’m not motivated ion wanna do this shit anymore I’m fucking tired still havent blocked him yo sitting here thinking of what to do. Will writing it then reading it make it better?? Pills an option but the what ifs still sit. If I try it and nothing happens I’m forcing myself to keep it pushing but if anything at all happens then it was the right thing I’m sad I’m not alone but it feels like it I gotta work on things so many damn things I mean here goes nothing I think I got 2 benadryls Advil and other shit ill see what I pull out the bag for the record it was nobody fault but mine I’m just fucking tired drained and ready to give up I love u all so much always checking making sure I’m staright. I gone make this future happen if I don’t make this happen. And I dont know how u end this.. goodnight xo 54 minutes of pure feellings and my head is still going on at it.

update I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and disappointed