#and the ways THEY have combatted toxic masculinity and patriarchy

[smallandalmosthonest]

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[swordpen]

On Criston/Alicent and Queerness

I think the biggest surprise of House of the Dragon for me wasn’t the gore or the truly batshit political decisions some of the characters make—it was how much I connected to Criston and Alicent’s relationship as a queer person.*

(*Standard disclaimer that my personal experience isn’t universal, queer people aren’t a monolith, I’m just analyzing this relationship within a context.)

Of course, when you think about queerness and HOTD, I’m sure Criston/Alicent is the last thing on your mind. In fact, in the parts of the fandom that interpret Alicent as queer/a lesbian, Criston/Alicent is basically the embodiment of compulsory heterosexuality. It’s two people violently clinging to the roles assigned to them: as knight and queen, man and woman, heterosexual and chaste. Criston especially is toxic masculinity walking around in armor, an incel who puts Alicent on a damaging pedestal and becomes bitter and violent when Rhaenyra refuses him.

I think this reading is pretty valid (although that last part is vastly oversimplified, and—well, we don’t have time for that). It’s probably what the show wants us to take away. But metaphorically, I saw a lot of my own struggles with queerness reflected in Alicent and Criston.

For all the power they wield relative to the smallfolk, Alicent and Criston both lack the privilege afforded to Rhaenyra: Alicent as a woman, and Criston as a lowborn knight sworn into the royal family’s service. Unlike Rhaenyra, when things get tough, they cannot leave—they must hide their feelings and continue to work within society. When Rhaenyra has sex with Criston, she holds a damning secret over his head, and while Viserys might forgive her, outing Criston will get him killed or worse. Alicent saves him, and he becomes the person she puts the most trust in, a second parent figure to her children. But if they do have romantic feelings for each other, they must keep that effectively closeted, while Rhaenyra and Laenor fairly openly pursue anyone they want. There’s also the whole underlying thread of religious guilt and repression, which is of course not limited to queerness at all, but is a dimension of Alicent and Criston’s relationship that hits home all the same--as does the ambiguity around Criston's celibacy and desire for sex, with the narrative making it clear that their bond is meaningful without it.

In all fairness, courtly love as a trope has always felt especially queer to me, even for how blatantly unhealthy it is: unfailing devotion that can never really become a relationship, deep feelings cloaked in several plausible deniability layers of “duty” and “honor.” And as someone incredibly careful and anxious, I really can’t imagine being as brazen as Rhaenyra. (I also have a bad habit of getting attached to characters other people don’t like as much.) It’s probably no wonder I connected to Criston and Alicent in a different way than Alicent and Rhaenyra. 

Both relationships are tragedies: Rhaenyra and Alicent are two girls whose love for each other is twisted by the patriarchy, yes, but also the wildly different positions they hold within the power structure. As much as they love each other, their conflicting philosophies and experiences have made it almost impossible for them to truly understand each other. 

Criston and Alicent also hold wildly different positions in the power structure, but their philosophies and experiences align far more. They do understand each other, the roles they have to play, the powerlessness they have to combat. They’re good at it. Their tragedy is that it still will not be enough.

[coolspork]

I hate to defend men but uh. Sometimes when I (bi butch transmasc) am in sapphic or afab dominant spaces/around other xlw queer ppl the misandry gets a little out there and then they hit me with the "don't worry tho when I'm talking about men I don't mean *you* you're different" right after spending like 20 minutes saying some of the most objectifying and dehumanizing blanket degrading statements about not just men but ppl who are attracted to men?? And it's never about any of the actual toxic masculinity or dangerous gender roles they're quickly brushing past to just dunk on men as a category.

Like yea sure I'm not a cis guy but it's weird to me that you're drawing arbitrary lines in the sand that divide the human population between morally pure genders and morally corrupt genders. I think you have a problem

Editing this so no one gets the wrong idea: the point of this post is that trying to assign morality based on gender identity is literally how TERFs target transfems and to a much lesser extent transmascs. Transwomen, transfems, and amab non-binary people are actively harmed by this kind of arbitrary line drawing because it legitimizes the TERF idea that there is a valid reason to be suspicious of someone based on their gender. TERFs don't care how you identify, they're bioessentialists. Validating their belief that one gender is inherently more trustworthy or morally upright than another just opens the door for them to try and claim that someone belongs in the "bad" category because of "biology". The vilification of masculinity has been used over and over again against queer folks even by other queer folks. Transfems and sapphics are almost always on the receiving end. The point of queer liberation is to decouple ourselves from cis het ideologies about "masc strong and violent and scary, fem weak and helpless and innocent" the latter is easily more visible because feminism really shines a spotlight on it. Femininity, regardless of its wearer, is ascribed traditionally as weakness, and feminism seeks to combat that stereotype. On the other hand though Masculinity is getting the opposite treatment and while there is certainly not as much stigma around masculinity the idea that femininity can be decoupled from gender roles while masculinity must remain rigid basically just gives terfs, racists, and anyone else who wants to find a way to put ppl down a new box to throw folks at. Allowing masculinity to become an innately oppositional identity means throwing a lot of people under the bus whether or not they choose to identify with it. Anyone that straddles eurocentric gender lines is at risk. The point here is not "oh no men oppressed" the point is that in seeking our own liberation from labels and tradition we shouldn't put someone else further back into that box because the existence of the box means there's somewhere for bigots hiding behind our communities to try and dispose of members they don't like.

You want to escape the meat grinder? Great. Now get rid of rhe meat grinder all together so no one uses it while you're not looking. And maybe don't throw other people into it while you're escaping.

TL;DR: Demonize the patriarchy, not the masculine.

[trans-advice]

Not me taking gender identity quizzes and smiling like a lunatic every time a quiz correctly genders me as male. I even had a quiz assume I was cisgender male and I almost died of happiness. Is that wrong for me to feel that way? I feel like I'm invalidating my trans identity.

First of all your gender identity is valid. You are the one who gets the vote because you are the only one who has to be you 24/7 for your entire lifetime. Your gender identity is a "male". Screw the gatekeepers!

Gender affirmation art etc is meant to combat the gaslighting committed against us by cisnormative racial capitalist patriarchy. (The methods they've used against us are horrendous & I'd trigger myself if I brought them up.) People sharing affirmations, etc, is meant to help people with fewer spoons (such as fatigue from stereotype threat & minority stress) to be able to have things they do. Point being is, you were already affirming to yourself, you're just getting help from others in getting things to ground yourself with. Screw the gaslighters!

Second of all, demographics are not monoliths, and there's diversity among, to use your specific case, males, both cis & trans. Demographics are different from relationships are different from communities are different from leadership are different from activists. Point being, the reference points are obviously not going to include everyone.

Thirdly, gender euphoria & happiness are awesome, take it where you can get it. If you feel awkward about where you're getting it from, then look for more sources. I do sense you're feeling some alienation from these quizzes so I'm going to explore that now.

Gender identity are not to do with gender (non)conformity. Trans vs cis to do with whether your gender identity matches the one that was assigned/designated for you. A personality quiz should only ask your assigned gender at birth if they're going to gauge your transness or cisness, and based on what you're saying it seems the quizzes are conflating transness & gender nonconformity together, so based on what you're saying I get what you mean by thinking that they might be doing a micro aggression of thinking trans is gender-lite and cis is gender-full strength.

You then ask whether you should feel as if you're turning your back on the trans community for this gender affirmation? My answer would be no. However, for purposes of operating as a community, I think discussing say toxic/settler masculinity with say communal/decolonial/decarceral masculinity would be something to explore. But I would also say this would be on the basis of ethics instead of saying what gender identity you are. Screw the bosses of racial capitalist patriarchy!

TLDR: if you think you aren't supporting the trans community enough, then seek out opportunities to be with trans people & even lgbtqia+ people. Misgendering yourself does not support the community.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[runthepockets]

I've been thinking a lot about "the war on masculinity" today and I came to this conclusion: I don't believe there's any grand war being waged on it, or that men are being "pussified", or whatever, but I do have reservations and resentment toward anything that boils down to "if men would just embrace their feminine sides and paint their nails and wear pink and show their soft sides more, everything would be perfect!" and nothing beyond that.

Look. I like stuffed animals, and chick flicks. There was a point in my life where I was a "boy with long hair" (I had dreads and cornrows till I was like, 14) I tell my little brothers and my dad and my roommate and my friends and pretty much everyone I love in my life that I love them and miss them and am proud of them and when I'm sad or insecure like, every day. I'm chill with dudes who like makeup and skirts and pink stuff, and wholeheartedly believe there's merit and letting these guys know they're as sexy and desirable as any flannel wearing, beefed up dude. I'll admit that there was a point in my life where I was that of your standard homophobic middle school straight boy where I turned my nose up at / mocked guys like that, but now I'm older and wiser and learned better and I have no ill will or condescending remarks or anything to say toward them. I know all that soft stuff pretty intimately, and feel no shame in admitting anything of it.

That said: I still kinda hate the idea that in order to be seen as "nonthreatening" I gotta divulge all of these things about myself. I won't say it's a large scale issue, or whatever, but I do sense the hesitation when I see people recommending that men who worry about their positions as patriarchs under patriarchy and what that means for the women and kids and gay people in their lives, who have never explicitly expressed any prior interest in experimenting with their presentation or interests or genders, simply "accept the feminine side they're so obviously in denial of" as the solution to combatting the capitalist white supremacist patriarchy and the rigid gender roles they're beholden to rather than, like, advising those guys to pick what they like about their current interest / presentations and shirking off all the bits that come off as chauvanistic (IE: I'm a heterosexual, working class dude from the south. I like guns, I like fancy pocket knives, gritty rock music, I like old school muscle cars and 90s pickup trucks and doing shit with my hands. I'm also black and a huge nerd, and am fully aware that these subcultures are very gatekeep-y toward women and gay people, let alone myself as another straight dude solely because of the color of my skin, so I just treat everyone that shows any interest in them the same as I would any other dude.) and simply proceeding on as you were before.

Again, I think it's great that men are very openly wearing skirts and painting their nails and watching magical girl animes, and stuff. That shit is wicked, and I know the occassional "friendly reminder that it's ok for boys to be soft" or "I love boys who've undergone the trials and tribulations of unpacking toxic masculinity, I feel so safe around them" post is helping more than it hurts, and generally isn't the grander opinion society draws to and needs to be said as a result. But also.....idk man, you can't be telling me the only way to escape hegemonic masculinity as a man is by being more like Harry Styles. Or by telling girls you listen to Pop Music and cry over Disney movies. Like even in a world without patriarchy, that's not going to be most men. Even under patriarchy, that's not all women. That's not a sustainable mindset. This can't be all there is. Surely there's a way to enjoy action movies and archery as a man without alienating the marginalized people around you or having to compromise yourself.

[hyperculture]

When I speak of patriarchy, I mean not the conscious will nor, often, even the conscious awareness of individual men, but a system of power. Although patriarchy is ancient, having arisen with the dawn of civilization, capitalism has comfortably adapted it to its needs — we see that played out in economics, politics, in all institutions of this society, as in the home. Men pay a price, too, even as the reap the dubious “benefits” of the system that privileges them. When I reduce my wife to an object whose purpose is to keep me satisfied, what role am I casting myself in? An impotent, dependent child whose emotional welfare hinges on Mommy’s willingness to comply with my perceived needs. This child, in an adult body, struts, remonstrates, sulks, and makes demands on his caregiver. He is never sated, never satisfied. Both partners, in their own ways, are powerless.

Men’s suffering, too, is a part of the patriarchal cycle, in the mix as both effect and cause. The taboo against vulnerability, in particular, is deeply harmful to men as well as to women. Anger may be more permissible among men, but sadness, grief, or “weakness” — which really just means acknowledging one’s limits — are not. Many combat veterans have had to overcome this patriarchal bylaw as they have struggled with anguish, depression, suicidality, and other manifestations of post-traumatic stress, from which there is no healing without a free flow of vulnerable emotion. Toxified masculinity, like the suppression of the feminine, is lethal. It claims its victims through many pathways, including alcoholism and other substance addictions, workaholism, violence, and suicidality — all defense against or escapes from vulnerability, grief, and fear.

Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture

[subiysu-chan]

Sexy badass chicks are bad character design and writing

First of all, they are highly unrealistically portrayed, which breaks the immersion quite a bit and often clashes with the tone of the story. Now, the only kind of setting in which it makes sense is fantasy, and fantasy with rules that state certain humanoids are overpowered. 

Personally, I find many male models for perfume adds to be sexually repulsive. I have nothing against effeminates men, but this level of conformity and artificiality is to me quite off putting. I’m straight, not robot-sexual. 

Also, even if they are basically half-naked, often times sexy badass chicks would have no signs of how intense physical activity and combat has affected them physically. In fact, a way to remedy this would be to try and make them attractive in a more androgynous way, something many series actually do quite successfully. 

Moving on to writing. These characters are unlikeable. Some try to make it into feminist message. Which is ridiculous, since many of them are written to be so destructive, that frankly, most of the most toxic masculine characters tend to be less brutish and frankly, it makes me want to support the patriarchy they oppose. 

Now, an exception to this is Oscar de Jarjayes which is frankly amazing. 

A one that to me is a disaster but somewhat salvageable is Marie-Josephe Sanson. In the first part of the manga, Innocent, Marie-Josephe is frankly evil, but she does have some likeable features and traits, and most of her vileness can be explained. In Innocent Rouge, she’s portrayed as the “dawn of a new era” and a “new hope for tomorrow”. She in the second season: castrates a man for daring to insult her, rapes (?) her husband and horrifically abuses Zero. Plus, her particular type of abuse sure doesn’t repeat what she endured, but it’s so calculated and “for your own good”, and so horrific on such a tiny baby that I’m like...No, please stop harming Zero. Because her abuse instead of repeating a cycle or being the product of clumsiness and/or distress, it’s...Not exposing baby to violent mobs, drenching them in irritating liquids (in this case, blood), putting weird masks on their heads even though their necks are still puny and using them as a shield is...wow. How is that considered breaking the cycle of abuse?!

[miraculouslumination]

By the way if your feminism relies more on beating down, humiliating, degrading, and generally being Awful to others on the basis of their gender, then your feminism sucks

Feminism should fight the patriarchy, yes, but I believe one of the greatest ways to combat it is through kindness and compassion - especially to the many (largely cis) men who are expected to be the pillars of it and the enforcers of its harm

You can't fight toxic masculinity, for example, with "boys will be boys" and "well ALL men are just naturally garbage so WHATEVER we just need to throw them ALL AWAY"

But you can fight it with "I know you can be better than this. I know you don't have to follow these steps. I know it's a fear instilled in you from when you were young. I know that, eventually, you can realize this, as well. You just need help in getting there."

It can be cathartic to shout and scream and say obscene things, but what does it do to help further a movement? To throw yourself to the ground and grovel because you believe your suffering is predetermined - unfixable? What is there to do except forever be bitter and miserable, even when you take your last breath?

If your feminism does not hold out hope and not allow acknowledgement of the ability for others to change, then your feminism is faulty and bound to crumble into a miserable pile of tears and assured destruction and discrimination

Feminism is about everyone. Feminism is for everyone. Feminism is about liberating EVERYONE.

And that includes cis men.

[unambiguouslybi]

so i've thrown around the idea of being bi-gender for a while but part of me feels like i'm "betraying my womanhood" or caving to "internalized misogyny". i know this is terf-y, transphobic rhetoric but it's hard to get rid of the feeling. any tips/advice?

I’m very glad you recognize the terf-y and generally transphobic elements of those statements, because it makes it easier to process them and move past them. 

At the end of the day, I think the ONLY thing that matters is whether or not you feel most comfortable (at this point in your life) identifying as bigender, regardless of any implications or meanings that someone else may read into it. Often, these sorts of reactions and phrases come from places of knee-jerk reactionary black and white emotions, rather than a place of logic. The best way I’ve found to combat them is thusly WITH logic.

So, ponder with me what those statements actually mean. I’m using binary phrasings because this sort of conversation is easier that way, even if slightly inaccurate.

The TERF beliefs that transmasc dfab people are betraying womanhood or caving to internalized misogyny comes from the mistaken black and white belief that dfab people are always the victim (or are class traitors) and “men” are always the abusers. Or that masculinity itself is always tied up in the oppressive patriarchy. In the TERF view of the world, this means that anyone who identifies as a man is actively contributing to harm done to women under patriarchal societies, and somehow escaping from that harm themselves. In the real world, EVERYONE is subjected to the nonsense of the patriarchy. Men are not allowed to cry because it’s “not manly”, men aren’t seen as the victims of abuse, men often fail to get custody of their children even when the mother is the worse parent. Sure, there’s a lot of misogynistic undertones to these things, but it’s only natural that gender-based discrimination will have a lot of overlap. Toxic masculinity was never meant to refer to masculinity itself, only the ways that masculinity can be made toxic. Men (cis, trans, and masc nonbinary folks alike) are also victims of the patriarchy, even if the specific forms of oppression shift or combine in strange ways.

So, regarding tips/advice, I advise you to read this article (I used it to guide how I phrased some parts of this answer) https://thenewinquiry.com/on-hating-men-and-becoming-one-anyway/ from a transmasc individual who experienced and witnessed a lot of those rhetorics in their infancy. I also advise you to remember that the human experience is messy and complicated, and anyone advising you to think in an “us versus them” mindset is wildly simplifying concepts that can take a long time to work through. And it’s important to remember that supporting women has more to do with what actions you take rather that what identity you have. If cis men can be feminists, and cis women can contribute to systems of oppression against women, then surely it doesn’t matter how you identify regarding your feminist leanings!

No matter your final identity, there is no such thing as betraying womanhood. Internalized misogyny absolutely is a thing, but if you are genuinely happier or more comfortable identifying as a masculine identity then do it! Some people are worried about finding themselves wanting to detransition because of things like realizing they were a butch cis lesbian rather than a trans man, but if you take your time to work through your gender feelings, use temporary transition solutions (like a binder rather than top surgery), and generally make calm informed decisions then I’m certain you will make the right decision for your long term happiness.

I hope that this post is coherent enough to be helpful. It took a while to write up, and I know that this ask was sent in a while ago, so I hope it can find someone who needs to hear/read this.

- Eli

[diary-of-a-student-in-america]

Hi, so I’m gonna post something a bit controversial here, but bear with me please. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently.

So I’m a feminist. I also recently discovered that I’m trans (ftm). This was really hard for me.

As a feminist, I’ve read about a lot of women’s experiences with men, and while it’s great to spread awareness about toxic masculinity and the things that men need to fix, I think it’s important that we make sure that people understand it’s not bad to be a man.

I tried really hard not to identify as a man for a long time, simply because I didn’t have any good experiences with how men are viewed. I was flooded with imagery of brutes, rapists, and misogynists. It felt like walking a tightrope learning about men. I only heard about the harassing teens, buff himbos, the nerdy incels, and the predatory authority figure.

I didn’t want to be associated with those people.

Now I realize that I am a trans man, and I’m working on overcoming these ideas. But it’s hard. I’ve had to unfollow a lot of feminist blogs and pages, simply because I’m recognizing the toxicity towards men. Even writing this has been hard. I’m worried this will come off as “feminists hate men.”

I want people to understand you need to be careful with your words. I’m 100% for uplifting women and their accomplishments, but you need to make sure that in doing that, you’re not also putting men down.

Just to be clear, I don’t want anyone coming on this post like “Exactly! Meninism! Not All Men™!!!” No. I’m still a feminist, and men can and do need to do better. The best way for this to be solved is to achieve equality between genders, but I understand that in this system of oppression, the oppressor will fight tooth and nail to keep his power. It will and is difficult to combat this system. So until we manage to dismantle the patriarchy, everyone needs to think about how their words affect others.

Tl;dr: I’m a trans man, and It’s been hard for me to accept that because of the generalizations around men. Don’t uplift women by putting down men. Men are not being oppressed, but we need to focus on the effect our words have on others. Generalizations are not healthy for anyone. Listen to the song “Let’s Generalize About Men” for a ‘80s power ballad that pretty much explains it. Or read this article about it: https://variety.com/2017/tv/columns/crazy-ex-girlfriend-season-3-lets-generalize-about-men-1202589792/.

[girlsbtrs]

Patriarchy and Pop Punk

Written by Theresa Cambe. Graphic by James N Grey

Yes, misogyny exists in almost every genre of music. Rap and country are usually at the forefront of this conversation, however, today we’re going to dive into the misogyny in pop punk. Lets face it, the misogyny is just covered up with layers of nice-guy, sad boy introspection but deserves the criticism just like everyone else. Just because a man holding a guitar gets vulnerable for a second, it doesn’t mean he is exempt from possessing misogynistic tendencies.

Despite the sexism built into this genre, I am more than guilty of partaking in my fair share of pop punk music. I would try to be at every State Champs, Neck Deep, Real Friends, The Story So Far, and every band of the sorts in between, concerts in Southern California between the ages of 14-16. I finger pointed and yelled those angsty lyrics right back at the bands while crowd surfing towards the stage in whatever sweaty venue in LA they happened to be playing at the time. I bought the merch, I hung their posters up in my room, I reblogged their concert pictures on Tumblr, I was about it. And trust me, “No Good” by Knuckle Puck could come on shuffle again and have me passionately screaming the lyrics while driving alone in my car around my god forsaken hometown (but I love my hometown, contrary to the popular sentiment). However now, I am more conscious of its problems.

I think this is the case for many other non-male enjoyers of this music when they also recognize its misogyny. Of course, there is nothing wrong with enjoying pop punk nor do I think enjoying this music makes you a bad person or inherently anti-feminist. A good portion of the demographic for these bands are women. With this large and important part of the fan base, we should start considering the safety of the environments and attitudes they create.

The attitude of misogyny and objectification is built into the foundation of pop punk. It is apparent in whichever “wave” of pop punk you want to point to. Early Blink 182 and All Time Low music videos had women in them to be silent sexual objects parading around the rock star band. There’s Weezer’s infamous sexist, nerd-rock anthems. “Thank God for Girls” sings “Called upon to employ your testosterone / In a battle for supremacy and access to females glued to the TV”. In a Genius lyric annotation of the song, lead singer of the band, Rivers Cuomo himself wrote “I’m so jealous of the hooker-uppers. Seems like it’s so easy to get laid now. All these good looking athletic guys are getting so much free sex. It kills me. Such a bummer. Such a bummer. To be evaluated by women. To be graded. To be rated. Where do I stand? How big? How strong? How enduring? How energetic? How inventive? So sad that it comes to this. So sad. It IS a competition and I AM being compared”. It is really quite ironic that Cuomo writes this but in the same breath has lyrics “The thing I finally found with these other girls in town / She got hot, and they did not” from the song “The Girl Got Hot” and also “You come like a dog when I ring your bell / I got the money and I got the fame / You got the hots to ride on my plane” from the song “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”. Then there’s also every song on the album Pinkerton that we don’t have time to get into. Even if this self-deprecating behavior is no surprise from Cuomo, it’s concerning and rooted in some serious hate. If you want to argue that it's all satire, they’re still weird thoughts to have.

I can go on about these recurring lyrical themes. For example, there is The Story So Far’s song “Roam” with the lyrics “I know where you’ve been, you’re ruining men, never again will I let someone in”. And the classic from “Mt Diablo” that sings “Do you look at yourself straight in the eyes and think about who you let between your thighs?”. Then there’s FIDLAR’s song “Whore” which as we can expect from the title, says “Why did you go betray me? / You’re such a whore”. Then there’s the mess of “Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis'' by the band Brand New, which writes “I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans / My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent / Bring you back to the bar / Get you out of the cold / My sober straight face gets you out of your clothes.” Look into any corner of pop punk and you’ll find these questionable attitudes, but I digress.

These men play the nice guys and aim at making you believe he is the protagonist in every situation. The commonality between all these artists is that they obsess and fantasize over a girl then turn completely sour once rejects them or leaves a relationship. They want a “cool girl” to listen to underground music and really comfort their sad, misunderstood selves but won’t allow them to make a decision outside of his own benefit. Because god forbid these women have their own thoughts and exercise their own actions! Their fantasy is essentially a manic pixie dream girl that doesn’t speak or act out against anything. These men beg to be at the center, and get aggressive when they aren’t.

This is not to be confused with writing a sad song after you got broken up with or hurt by someone in a relationship. This is also not to say that all women are exempt from having toxic behaviors or from being written about. The guise of the patriarchy also harms those it seeks to benefit and therefore enforces rules of masculinity that restricts men from expressing their frustrations and emotions. I believe that writing music about unrequited love or difficult feelings is a healthy way to combat these roles. However, there is a major difference between processing rejection and hating women for rejecting you, which is an area many of these men seem to blur together.

I still have love for these bands and this genre. I can still go to their shows and have the time of my life, easily. But it wasn’t until I got a little older and more realized with my femininity did I revisit these songs and wake up to the fact that it might have not always been in my favor . I was probably too young to notice or care and was distracted by the catchy, yelly tone and how fun it was to jump around to that I never really sat with what some of the lyrics really meant. It was a major factor in my own internalized misogyny back when I was in the throes of it all. I didn’t want to be like those awful girls that these pop punk dudes kept singing about. They were always described in such a terrible way, that all they do is betray and backstab people. They wanted a “cool girl” to understand them and not be like them. So I rejected femininity and disliked other girls as if I’m in this sort of competition for the sad band dude’s attention. I was idolizing these men whose music mainly centered around their disdain for the women they had experiences with so much that it stuck in my brain that I shouldn’t be like them, that I should be appeasing these people I look up to. But I’ve grown to realize that I was only hearing one side of the story. It was a straight white man’s voice constantly, no one else. This one sided narrative created a false perception of reality, one rooted in a sad boy victim complex, that women are the enemy that shouldn’t be trusted because they couldn’t fit the weird male fantasy these dudes possess. Rarely are women represented in this music except through the lens of a man, which as we saw is almost always disdainful or as a character rather than a fully realized and autonomous person. Women are portrayed as commodities to obtain. It alters our perception of reality.

But with most things you love, you want to see them get better. This music has a fond place in my heart and signifies a really fun time in my life where I found my love for music and concerts. But the genre and the spaces it creates has its own set of problems that I want to see improve.

We have to realize that music has a greater impact on culture. The attitudes that create the genre of pop punk affects the audience that consumes it. The one-sided narrative they build implants harmful ideas about relationships and dynamics into their young fans, as it did to me. Regardless if you want to say lyrics are just lyrics and are meant not to be taken so seriously, artists have so much influence on their fans. They are perpetuating the nice guy narrative that men are owed something from women. And sometimes we unfortunately see this point of view reflected in these band member’s actions. The accusations against them for sexual assault, grooming, and manipulation of young girls runs rampant in these spaces and remains to do so. They abuse their positions of power and influence. Using self-pity in songs does not excuse the shitty things you do.

[its-dandy-andy]

"Lol men are trash, men are awful and toxic. Lol tragic that men exist-"

Girlfriend, Imma stop you right there. I get it, the patriarchy is a bitch and needs to actively get dismantled, but I have spent too many evenings crying and sobbing wondering if I was going to turn into something horrible, abusive, and monstrous, something that inherently scares people, including the people I care about, to listen to that anymore. I cant tell you the number of times I've wanted to crawl back into the closet because I wondered why I would bother going through all it takes to be trans and transition, just to come out the other side as something harmful. I had spirals about if the people I cared about would even want to stay my friends as I became not only a male, but a masculine presenting one because of the overwhelming number of people who think that this is funny or a constructive way to vent or combat the patriarchy.

Look, I understand that the current social dynamic makes this more difficult to navigate, but when a community says that a certain kind of rhetoric excludes a group of people and makes it more difficult to build a healthy relationship with masculinity and by extention transness? Maybe you should listen.

[sykesplaining]

Another Leftist lost to the Cult

Dr Wolff,

This is so tone-deaf it hurts. Not only is there lacking scientific evidence to back up the cult of intersectionality ... it's completely incompatible with Marx's scientific socialism, which I'll explain below. Everyone must watch this video: 

Left-leaning academics deconstruct the hateful pseudoscience spread uncritically by these people.

This whole video's optics read as the whiny vlog of two neoliberal bourgeois academics (guilty whites, incidentally) looking down at the average Joe who we putatively seek to liberate from capitalism. It is grating, disrespectful and frankly snobbish, and the only people listening are already in the choir you're preaching to. Julianna "As I learned from a very expensive school" Forlano in particular comes across as insufferable. I'll note also, as an atheist, their blithe ignorance of older religions than their own (intersectionality), in the lack of distinction between Catholics (typically progressive, Hispanic and Democrat!) and evangelicals as examples of their incompetence as public speakers or experts to be trusted and not just cult-minded propagandists. And please, if you listened to the video, you know I have not stooped to some level beneath them -- attacking masculinity by making penis jokes is standard highschool girl fare.

Now, to the meat: I won't try to directly argue why idpol is principally against class struggle, or how Marxism and postmodern cult ideologies like intersectionality are completely incompatible, but I'll take idpol as a policy at its word. Here's a definition of idpol from another channel possessed by this thought-terminating specter: “actual identity politics is recognizing the various obstacles that different groups face and taking steps to address those obstacles.”

I would say this is a fair definition of identity politics, hopefully you agree.

As I commented on your careless usage of "Latinx" in another video, Dr Wolff, "toxic masculinity" is another elitist academic term created and propagated by liberal guilty males to self-flagellate for past patriarchy, as well as a mating strategy for male feminists to sneak their way into the pants of young women. There is such a thing as an ivory tower, and Dr Wolff's usage of a term which 97% of all Latinos reject (including myself, if it matters) should serve as indication that he is becoming out of touch with the common man (and woman, of course, most of whom are *not* feminist).

Though there is some faulty logic linking masculinity to "anything men do, from talking over me at work, to being armed and scary (weirdly though not Antifa or armed socialists we celebrate, but rightwingers!)"... the definition of "toxic masculinity" in this video is simply masculinity, derived from biological differences and celebrated by every society EVEN socialist ones. Or do you forget your history, of the *workingmen* glorified in our socialist anthems? Is the workingman not strong, virile and stoic in his toil? What's the solution, forced feminization into femboys? Do you even realize the implications of what platforming this misandric feminism (sponsored in corporations like Google and Twitter) does to the Left and society as a whole?

Whatever happened to the idea that capitalism is degrading to everyone who toils beneath it? Feminism is about liberating men too, supposedly. Well, instead of shaming men for being men, let's look at some statistics about workingmen under capitalism. Men are:

99.999% of combat deaths and casualties across history

94% of industrial workplace deaths

76% of homicide victims

80% of suicides

46% of domestic abuse victims

26% of intimate homicide victims

84% of losing child custody cases

30% are victims of paternity fraud and bilked of child support unjustly

receive prison sentences 6 times longer than women (compared to Blacks who receive about 2.5 times longer sentences than Whites)

300,000 men are raped in US prisons every year, over 10 times the number of women raped in the US nationwide.

You're free to look these facts yourselves, from impartial (mostly government) sources. We can go on with countless statistics and anecdotes (“lived experiences” as intersectionals love to say) about men, the myth of *male* privilege and the truth of male disposability. Will your pro-idpol stance take into consideration this most marginalized community that is the majority of men under feudalism and capitalism, historically and presently?

Some points I'm sure will be brought up:

One, "Toxic masculinity" and "masculinity" are different, I've yet to see a woke feminist make an objective distinction between the two, and this video is no exception. Read the description, you all demonize the male sex hormone as capitalist aggression, for crying out loud! Ironically testostorone has been linked with mental stability/clarity, low stress, and as an antidepressant, (ie low T results in insecure feelings and capitalist aggression) but that's beyond the scope of this comment.

Two, "wHaT aBoUtIsM" cAsE sNaRk, well-known in victim-mentality sufferers. Before you do that, you'll have to remember every leftist issue you hold so dear began as a "whataboutism". I'll leave you to process the cognitive dissonance. (Accuse me of misogyny, "chud-ism" or "grifting" - with what platform I wonder - all you want; you merely prove our point.) The sad truth is, elite women like the ones whining in this video) look down on most men because most men are useless to them, especially nerdy virgin losers who can't even get laid. So, if "toxic" is being used as synonymous with "supremacist", who is really "toxic" here? Because I am seeing plenty of toxic feminism whose endgoal seems to be nothing less than the erasure of masculinity from the human species.

Finally, I'll have to unsubscribe from Wolff's channels to show my lack of support for the embrace of what Marx called the dominant ideology. And what you, Dr Wolff, have decided to platform on your show most certainly IS the dominant ideology: intersectional feminism with neoliberal characteristics, as taught to workers in all the Big Business companies, in government institutions, even in international organizations. These bourgeois metaphysicians would be purged from a true Marxist movement; indeed, Marx himself would approve of it!

What is my humble, plebeian, advice to you, sir? Either be truly equal about your idpol stance (eg, address men's issues without fear of coming off as misogynist; why not invite Dr Warren Farrell to the show?) or focus solely on economic issues and class politics. Or, hey, how about being a real Marxist and purging the bourgeois pseudoscientific grifters from our movement next time. Good night and good luck.

Intersectionality is a religion. Away with all your superstitions.

[phroyd]

"[T]here is a steep price society and individuals pay for expressing this type of masculinity." —Alex Yarde

Alex Yarde of “The Good Men Project” found a great deal more than mere disrespect of one’s elder in the recent incident involving students from the all-boys Covington Catholic High School taunting Native American veteran Nathan Phillips.

He saw disrespectful teens making a foolish mistake, but he also saw boys on their way to becoming men who have been failed by the elders in their own lives — their fathers, mothers, and society at large — leading them to the brand of masculinity that many in modern times have concluded is toxic.

In making his point, Yarde noted a recent piece by Melinda Wenner Moyer, titled The Boys Are Watching, in which she argues that men who are offended by the notion of toxic masculinity need to hear the message more than ever.

She writes: “Kids learn by watching what we do, not by listening to what we say, and boys in particular absorb a lot from their fathers as well as from male public figures. They watch prominent men in their lives stick up, or not, for victims of bullying or sexual harassment. They watch how men treat their girlfriends and wives and interact with women in public. Many boys watched one man, the President of the United States, publicly mock a woman who testified to Congress that she was a victim of sexual assault. Many also heard him brag about grabbing women “by the pussy.”

Yarde asks: “Is it really that hard to fathom why these young men, wearing Trump Supporter “Make America Great Again” (MAGA) hats, felt justified in mocking an elder at prayer?”

The President of the United States, who was charged with civil rights violations in the 70’s for not renting to black people, who publicly mocked a disabled reporter, smeared over a dozen female sexual assault survivors that accused him, regularly threatens and bullies detractors, called Mexicans “rapists”, is ok with the separation of desperate, asylum-seeking families, caged brown migrant children in kennels, and belittled Sen. Elizabeth Warren by sarcastically using a noble historical Native American hero’s name, Pocahontas, as a slur.

…

There are as many ways to express masculinity as their are men. Positive ones like championing the weak, valuing women, showing empathy, practicing self-control, and respect for others. And, the negative “toxic” behaviors that support a hegemonic view of masculinity, highlighted in the first part of the Gillette ad above, where non-conforming men or outliers are ridiculed as “Snowflakes” or “betas”, for example.

These hegemonic, “toxic” traits of masculinity as Trump exemplifies, need serious counter-programming to combat the legitimization of powerful men’s “dudebros” culture and male hegemonic position in society. Justifying subordination of the common male population, women, and other benevolent marginalized ways of being a man is the Patriarchy you’ve read about, but as white, straight cis-males in particular, may even question its existence.

Yarde concluded with the Cherokee “Two Wolves” legend:

Two Wolves: A Cherokee Legend

A grandfather is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil—he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

“The same fight is going on inside you—and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Phroyd

[thefeministpress]

More About the Fall '18 Interns

Every summer, fall, and spring, the Feminist Press hires a group of interns who are passionate about feminism and book publishing to assist the FP Staff by working closely with mentors in one of the following departments: Editorial, Publicity/Marketing, and Development. To get to know the interns better, Julia, Nick, Halle, and Bry'onna will be sharing their own personalized listicles that best describe their feminism and book interest!

Meet Bry'onna! (she/her/hers): Bry'onna is a wavvy womanist who is always ready to square up against misogynoir and respectability. She usually can be found running through the suburbs with her ‘fro and woes. A mixed magical black girl—all black, but mixed magically: ½ witch, ¼ gorgon and ¼ mermaid—curating peak blackness somewhere deep in tumblr. 

Bry'onna's Top 6 Womanist Works

In Search Of Our Mothers' Garden by Alice Walker

This text was assigned to me coincidentally the semester after my mom questioned if I was a "bra-burning-feminist" because I had voiced my discomfort about a guy paying for my meal after an unofficial date. I winced at the idea of being aligned with feminism as I had only associated it as a "white women's thing that historically excluded black women." It was the first time I had been taught about a black woman inserting herself in feminism, rather womanism, and gave language to an identity that isn't mutually exclusive to the other, as she existed as both black and woman. This work made me realize that I didn't have to put my race before my gender.

All the Women Are White, All the Blacks are Men, But Some of Us Are Brave edited by Gloria T. Hull, Patricia Bell Scott, & Barbara Smith

Not because I'm currently interning at the Feminist Press, but because, FP published this text back in '82--making it the first comprehensive collection of black feminist scholarship. Two of the key components of freedom is access and visibility. The Feminist Press had given me both when But Some of Us Are Brave was released.

The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks

A must read for all men and people who love men. Challenging The Patriarchy can be difficult when you're a woman who loves men, but especially when you're a black woman who loves black men. Black men and black women both suffer from racism, but black men can benefit from patriarchy as they are still men. bell hooks declares that "women cannot do for boy and men what they must do for themselves." Men have to do the emotional labor to combat the ways in which patriarchy effects them.

When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost by Joan Morgan

Like all the other included on this list, this book found me at another crucial point in my life. Having just gotten out of a toxic relationship and teetering a mental/emotional breakdown (seriously), Morgan's '99 published work challenged my ingrained notion of being a strong black woman. The self proclaimed "Hip Hop Feminist" also dissected the complex relationship between Rap and Black women--a genre that I love and is mine by birthright, but regularly disrespects me.

Eloquent Rage by Britney Cooper

Dr. Brittney Cooper/Professor Crunk of the Crunk Feminist Collective had really given language to my post third-wave feminism. Eloquent Rage was raw and relevant. It called out my angry black woman, reassured me that my anger was justified, but taught me how to not get lost in it, and also how to use it to my advantage.

Beyoncé In Formation: Remixing Black Feminism by Omise'eke Tinsley

Three words: Beyoncé + Black Feminism. Of course Beysus would inspire many scholarly works. However, Tinsley's (best known for her college course: Beyoncé Feminism, Rihanna Womanism) critical analysis of black women's sexuality, gender, and identity through the gaze of Beyoncé and the Lemonade album is especially important as her queer black perspective dissects Queen Bey in a way that only a black women-loving black woman could.

If you’re interested in being an intern the spring 2019 internship begins the week of January 7 and runs through the week of May 20. The internship requires a commitment of three days a week, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Although we are flexible with schedules, we do ask for a consistent weekly time commitment. Interns will receive a small daily stipend to offset the cost of transportation within New York City.

The deadline to apply is November 12, 2018.

Please, tell us, what are your favorite works by black feminists or womanists?

[braindamageforbeginners]

Male Fragility and Male Pattern Baldness

14 months, two weeks, one day post-dx

This week, in addition to The Donald, the big news has been... Gillette shaving products. You might know this company for the various shaving-based products they make, or the catchy slogan, “The best a man can get.” Which sounds a little weird and unintentionally homoerotic, but I dislike bleeding when shaving, and, for travel purposes, they have the market for disposable razors.

In the wake of Brett Kavanaugh being confirmed and Cadet Bonespurs still not being called for using the word “pussy” on a live mic (okay, so, even if we want to accept the idea that men talk to each other in the locker room - we don’t, it is the most uncomfortable and awkward environment imaginable - you don’t repeat it in polite company, and YOU DO NOT REPEAT IT IN A TAPED INTERVIEW), it has come to light that America has a problem with massive, throbbing male egos that go unchecked until they inevitably screw up and alienate so many of their victims that Americans vote in loads of sensible, moderate people (previously known as “women,” but that was also when we voted based on gender and class lines instead of a person’s public record). Gillette then changed its slogan to “The best a man can be,” which, I have to admit, is almost as good as “The Most Interesting Man in the World” for aspirational marketing aimed at men. The goal of all this was, presumably, to start a discussion on toxic masculinity and gender roles. Now, I may have some misgivings about this conversation being helmed and instigated by a company with a definite financial and cultural stake in the (patriarchal) status quo, but it’s still a talk we need to have in society. My reaction of vague misgivings and semi-apathy was nothing, however, compared to white men on the Internet. They used all caps to rain impotent fury down upon this perceived slight, that, maybe, we should have a discussion about how framing masculinity only as it brutalizes and disenfranchises others isn’t such a good idea. As someone who’s had his country club privileges revoked but still gets passing privilege, I’d think it’s a discussion worth having, especially if you’re under the rather idiotic impression that your good health and luck will last forever. Now, even though I still stand by the idea that Rousseau was right, and that most of us are mostly-good; at the same time, when you’re forced into a position of vulnerability, people you thought you knew well can reveal themselves to be utter assholes. Yes, pain, torture, and crippling may reveal my inner nature to some extent, but how you treat me in this period is a much more revealing test of your character, dear reader. So, I’m fully prepared to discuss this whole “how you treat the least among you” idea, with the acknowledgment that, as the least among you (sort of), I am fully in favor of toppling the patriarchy and rebuilding it with something less creepy and predatory.

Then I got Rogaine. Full disclosure, Mother Dearest actually got it for me, because I still wear my hair in a rather severe mohawk to cover up the weird, radioactive/thin patches that were scalded off by the nuclear fire (undergoing cancer treatments is like puberty - you change pretty dramatically, physically, and you’re left looking almost, but not quite, like you used to, which is disconcerting to see in a mirror). Normally, the word “regrowth” is not a good one for a brain cancer patient, but, since everything else in my life has been completely upended and vivisected, I figured, “Why not?” In a weird way, even though I’m not in a position I’d wish upon someone I despised (well..), I don’t feel terribly emasculated. After all, how many rounds of chemo and radiation have you gone through? I know I can take a severe beating and get up afterward; even if that beating comes in the form of neurosurgery, radiation, and chemo (I realize my framing of that in terms of violence is probably typical of the problem, but we’re working our way toward other, more humorous topics).

If ever there was a physical embodiment of the sort of mindset that would fee attacked by Gillette’s rather flaccid suggestion we sort of talk about problems with traditional masculinity; it’s Rogaine. First of all, it comes with all these warning labels on it - I am not making this up - saying things like “Not intended for women” or “Not for use by women” (that last one is verbatim). It doesn’t actually go full-blown Alex Jones manthrocyte (or whatever male virility cure he’s hocking this week), nor do the words “male jelly” or “He-Man Woman Haters Club” appear on the box, but it’s amazingly close. What’s especially delightful - to me, anyway - is that a female friend of the family (who has issues with hair stress-related hair loss) is the one who recommended it. However, I am trying to be somewhat more sensible about what I put in myself these days, so I did some quick Internet research (that’s enough to make me an expert on the subject, I figure), and it’s a vasodilator - it’ll open your blood vessels (I still haven’t pieced together how that leads to increased hair growth, but I’m willing to take some things on faith). Apparently, you’re not supposed to take it orally. Which opened up a whole new set of questions, like, 1. What was the study where they found out someone was dumb enough to drink hair tonic? and, 2. If you do drink it, is that some sort of suicide warning? Bearing in mind that this is just the packaging - which, again, I get it’s targeting insecure middle-aged men and/or those of use who want our youthful appearance back while we’re still actually youthful; both of which are vulnerable to suggestion and hesitancy, and maybe they’d turn back at the thought that maybe someone would think less of them for using feminine hygiene products (supposedly, army medics have used tampons to seal wounds in combat, so even the most-feminine of feminine hygiene products is helpful to all genders under the right circumstance), let’s go on to what’s inside the box. Which is a series of bland-looking bottles that are perfect for not indicating someone is insecure about baldness. And an applicator. Let’s hold for a moment. In most medical products - even the CBD/THC oils I take (orally, but maybe I should try them on my hair) the “applicator” is either a glorified eye-dropper or more-glorified Q-tip (side-note: you don’t see Q-tips exclusively marketed to women, even though their most  common use is as a mascara applicator)(this is true; you’ve probably been sticking them in the wrong orifice for years). Not so with Rogaine. This comes with - depending on how you look at it - either a miniature turkey baster (perfect for basting Cornish hens), or a Cyclopean eye-dropper. In other words, there’s virtually no way you could screw up where you stick this thing and apply it nasally (again, I’m sure it’s been tried, and they rewrote the warnings and repackaged it). It is, in short, not only catered to male insecurity, it’s designed to completely idiot-proof (I guess they got that one right, most intelligent people wouldn’t be fooled into thinking that fancy, medically-worded hair tonic works)(normally, neither would I, but the woman who recommended it is smarter than me, so I’m willing to try it). It’s the perfect product for Homer J. Simpson.

After drizzling this stuff onto your radioactive-seared flesh, you’ll notice a slight tingling sensation. Either that or just the sensation of something liquid-y runnning over your scalp, I have a lot of scars, so it’s hard to tell. Then... nothing. Admittedly, I’ve only been using it for a few days, Apparently, you have to use it for a month or two before seeing results, at which point you’re either supposed to discontinue use, or, for the truly brave, drink it. Again, I just went 12 months straight with chemo, it’s not like something as minor as not seeing results will be a major deterrent.

For those of you wondering how I do it - go the full 12 rounds of chemo, radiation, and surgery, knowing I will eventually have to repeat it, and eventually lose - that’s how. You have to be able to look at every miniscule step on the path (and not much further ahead) and chuckle at how extraordinarily weird and fucked up it all is. And realize you want to be around to chuckle at the next weird, fucked up moment, even if you have weird, striated baldness on one side.