#and then I had a panic attack when I got inside and now I'm exhausted yay

[chaoticeddie]

snowed all day today 🙃✌️

[jaykaysthicthighs]

The Path Of A Singer | JJK

excerpt | the appearance of your old lover pops up on tv, and the horrible memories showed itself once again.

genre | heavy angst, cheating, abuse, minor fluff

rating | 18+

warnings | strong language, present & past, toxic relationship, mental & physical abuse, jk cheating, panic attack, alcohol and drug consumption, lots of crying, heartbreaking conversations, jk being vile, lots of yelling, jk manhandles the reader, mention of abusive father, mention of ptsd, reader being selfless (you might not agree with the decisions she's made, but don't hate her; she's a broken person), maybe more

wc | 4K+ (very short)

notes | it's been a hell of a long time since i wrote and posted anything....!!!

my inspiration came from watching the movie insidious: the red door lol. the reason for the mature rating is because of the strong language, the heavy conversations said, and the talks of alcohol and drugs. i want to say that i'm not romanticizing this type of relationship or the behaviors of the characters, i'm just making a story that maybe some people might have gone through. sometimes the decisions made or thought of does not make you a bad/horrible person. everyone had a reason good or bad; you just have try to be understanding. i also tried to make this as heartbreaking as possible, but for some reason i feel like it's not. hopefully it does pull some heartstrings for you guys.

You finally arrived home after an exhausting day of work. Your roommate wasn't home yet, so, luckily for you, you're able to binge eat without the concerned eyes of your friend watching you.

You walked your way to the kitchen and made yourself some sandwiches, you also grabbed some water on the way to the living room. When you made it to the couch, you plopped down heavily. You grabbed the remote and started scrolling through the channels. You came across a channel that was showing a music festival, and without thinking about who might be performing you clicked on it.

The first performer was a group called XG. As they were performing, you happily ate while vibing to their songs. At one point, you started singing as well, not caring that you still had some food in your mouth. If the neighbors were able to hear you, they would probably think someone is dying - yelling for help.

When you finished, you got up put away your dishes, and made your way to your room to change your clothes. As you were changing, you felt a bit lonely. You and your friend don't have any pets, no companion to keep any of you guys company. You exited your room with a simple sweater and shorts.

You made it back to the living room with a content expression on your face, unfortunately, it wouldn't last long. As you were about to get yourself situated on the couch, you looked at the TV screen, and the one person you never wanted to see again was singing.

You fell to your knees with a hard thud, watching the screen with horrid eyes. It's been three years since you saw him. In those three years, you tried your damned hardest to avoid anything and everything that involved him in it. The pain he caused you still resides in your little heart.

You didn't realize but you started crying; the tears rapidly falling. Your body started shaking; the little goosebumps displaying your skin. Your chest felt heavy like a huge wave crashing on you, and the water is rising up into your nose, making it hard for you to breathe. You felt like you were suffocating, and the lack of air was making your head light; dizziness taking its place.

On the outside, you were frozen, but on the inside, you were trying to claw your way out. You felt like you were scratching every surface of your body, but you weren't moving an inch. Your brain was screaming for help, but the only thing leaving your mouth was the hardness and unstableness of your breathing. Right now, you were wishing for your friend to come home right now and save you.

Three Years Ago

You were in your car driving your way to your boyfriend. Jungkook's manager called you demanding that you come and pick him up. You don't really know what happened, but from how his manager sounded, you were thinking that he got himself drunk and high again, causing thoughtless actions.

Not too long ago, Jungkook was able to get into his dream record label. After years and years of hard work, passion, and dedication he was able to pursue his dream. What you didn't realize is that with Jungkook getting to follow his dream of being a singer, he would soon lose his sense of self. In just two weeks he was starting to drink, and in another week, he started experimenting with drugs.

As time went on, so did your patience. You would try and try to stop him - to help him, but every time Jungkook would stop your advances. Pushing you away and causing you pain made Jungkook feel superior, it made him feel proud that he reached a certain height in life.

Your guy's relationship now consists of yelling and crying. Jungkook started to mentally abuse you, but even so, you would accept it. You didn't have the strength to leave him - to leave the man you love since middle school. You couldn't leave the man who would write songs about you, the man who would wake up during dawn and make you a big breakfast, the man who would call you no matter the time, the man who would always tell you how much he loves you every second of the day. You didn't have the strength to leave him.

With all your anger, you finally made it to the studio in one piece. When you entered the building, the looks on the staff's faces were concerning you. One of the staff went up to you and told you to not go inside the studio. You looked at them judgingly and pushed your way through them, but they still tried to stop you.

"What is the problem? Let me through!" you yelled. They gave you a sad look and apologized, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Jungkook is very busy, and I don't think it's a good idea for you to go inside there." Your anger was boiling, steam coming out of your ears. "Sorry for yelling at you, but I don't fucking care if he is busy. Jonny called me saying that I need to pick this asshole up, okay? If you're worried about me finding out that he is high or drunk - even both, don't. This is not new to me."

The staff in front of you looked like she was on the verge of tears. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she got the chance, a disheveled woman left the room your boyfriend was in. You watched her with wide eyes as she left the building with a smile on her face. You stomped your way to the studio door ignoring the pleas from the staff. You pushed open the door causing a loud bang, startling the man recognized as Jonny.

Jonny swiftly got up and the first thing you noticed was the bloody nose. You walked your way to him digging in your bag grabbing some tissues for his nose. Gently placing it on him, you politely demanded, "Where is he, Jonny?" The man before you faced his eyes on the floor. "Jonny, you called me here, so, don't fucking hide anything from me. Where is he?"

The man took a step back letting the blood freely fall again. He shook his head, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. I've ruined everything." You gritted your teeth and threw the bloody tissue at his face. "Where the hell is he, Jonny?" you yelled.

A second later, Jungkook swung the bathroom door open with nothing but some sweats on. Your heart dropped from his appearance. It was evident that he had fucked the girl from earlier. You guys made eye contact, and you could tell immediately that he was high out of his mind. "Get out, Jonny," you said without looking.

When you heard the door shut, that's when you crumbled. Your eyes started blurring with the tears that were coming. Your body shaking with rage. You walked up to the fucked-up man and slapped him. "Why? Why? Why the hell would you do this to me?"

Jungkook harshly grabbed your wrists and laughed. He laughed like what you had said was something funny. You can smell the horrible alcohol leaving his mouth as he laughed. "Because it's fun, babe."

The pain rippled throughout your body. You snatched your wrists away and bellowed, "You're hurting me! You're destroying me! What does she have that I don't? I thought you loved me?" Jungkook towered over you; he grinned, "I don't love you." Your whole world died. Never had Jungkook spouted those words. It tore you limb from limb, slowly but surely. And that was all it took for you to call it done.

You were fine dealing with his hurtful ways. You were fine being the punching bag. But you were not fine being cheated on. Even with Jungkook in this fucked-up state, not once had he said that he didn't love you, and not once did he ever cheat on you. You felt lower than before, and you didn't want to feel like that. You knew that the moment he started doing drugs and drinking alcohol, the man you once knew would be gone. Still, you had hoped there might be a tiny sliver of him inside, but today proved - his words proved you wrong.

Your eyes hardened and your expression became stoic. Without trying to sound broken you seethed, "We are done! You fucking hear me? I am done with your shit - with everything!" As you walked your way to the door, Jungkook rushed in front of you and pushed you to the ground.

The wind got knocked out of you; you started bawling your eyes. For the first time, you were scared of the man before you. Jungkook locked the door behind him and dragged you by your feet. You tried kicking your feet, hoping that his release would loosen, and you could run away. But before you knew it, Jungkook locked you both into the soundproof booth.

When his grip on you was gone, you scurried to the corner of the booth shielding yourself with your bag. Jungkook walked to you and kneeled to your level. "Don't hide from me, baby." He gently grabbed your bag and tossed it to the other side of the booth. You closed your eyes; you couldn't see the monster of the man you love.

You felt Jungkook tenderly cupping your jaw. You trembled beneath his fingertips; quietly whimpering. It stayed like this for a few seconds until you felt his touch disappear. With your eyes still closed, you could hear Jungkook digging for something. You heard a rustling sound of a Ziplock bag. You knew better, you knew that he was using drugs right now.

"Open your eyes, ____," Jungkook demanded.

You didn't answer, you didn't move. This pissed off the man in front of you. He slapped you, making your body jolt, making your eyes open. You brought your hand to your cheek, tears threatening to fall. "See, it wasn't that hard?"

"W-what do you want... from me?" you stammered.

Jungkook seethed, "You can't leave me. I won't let you leave me. You owe me. All that money I spent on you, all those years I wasted on you - I want that back! And the only way you can pay me back is by being my bitch. You are fucking mine, ____!"

You finally let the tears fall again. Your whole body shook like lightning shooting throughout you. Shaking your head, you wailed, "No! No! No! Please! Don't do this to me, Dad! Stop hurting me!" For the first time today, Jungkook felt his senses come back. Your words panged his heart.

Your mother was never in your life. It was always you and your father, but your father was an abusive man. He would try to find any little thing to blame you for, just for him to lay his hands on you; from hitting, kicking, even to cutting. You had met Jungkook when you were thirteen years old, he comforted, protected, and helped you. When you finally turned eighteen, that's when you moved in with him - that's when you finally felt peace.

Jungkook cupped your face into place. He frantically said, "____, it's me. Your dad's not here. It's me, Jungkook." His touch burned you; you felt like dying. You mustered all your strength and pushed him away. You gripped your shirt and yelled, "No! You're not him! You're not Jungkook! You're a monster and I don't even recognize you!"

Monster... That simple word rang in Jungkook's mind. Monster... Such a terrifying word. If he was a monster, his reason would be because of you. Unfortunately, all the drugs and alcohol in his system weren't enough to keep him sane for one minute. Jungkook launched at you. His hands wrapped around your throat, choking you, but still letting you breathe.

You started clawing your nails on his bare arms. Digging deep that blood starts making its presence. But all that Jungkook could see right now was red. He couldn't feel the pain you were giving him; he couldn't hear the agony in your voice; he couldn't see your wrecked state. Red became his friend.

"You are the reason for my horrible being. You are the reason why I'm a monster. You bitch! If you hadn't kept pushing me to pursue this fucking career, I would've still been the same. If you hadn't been so loving and caring and supportive, we wouldn't be in this predicament. I can't believe that I fell in love with a disgusting person like you. I can't fucking believe that I let you take control of my whole being!"

Right when you were on the verge of passing out, Jungkook released his hold on you; he backed himself on the other side of the booth. You were catching your breath. Your hands shakingly touched your neck, throbbing against your frail fingers. You were painfully coughing; mentally asking God to help ease your pain. Your eyes went in and out of vision; red and black dots were the only thing in sight.

Jungkook watched you with dark eyes. He watched as you were struggling to regain your previous state. He watched as you were crying from the pain, he inflicted on you. He watched the one person who was always with him, the one person who loved and cared for him no longer be the same. He killed you, painfully and slowly.

Present

"____, look at me. It's okay. It's okay." Your friend Lia gently held your face in place. She called out your name, praying that you would settle. She watched as you were frantically breathing; your eyes looking everywhere but her; your body shaking like the room was freezing.

Your panic attacks rarely happen, but when they do, Lia feels so useless. She wished that she could help ease your pain, she wished that she had the power to prevent this. But all she could do was hold you and tell you that you're okay.

Minutes go by until you are finally back. "____?" Lia cautioned, "____, look at me. Are you okay?" As you looked at Lia, you could see the worried expression painting her beautiful face. You hated yourself for making her feel like this, but you couldn't help it. This feeling will never go away; it gets buried six feet under, but once he appears they come back.

"Lia," you whispered, "I saw him again... on TV." Lia took a deep sigh; she hated the pain he caused you before and now. She wrapped you in her arms, holding you with such care. The second you were in her arms, you broke. You cried and cried, loudly speaking your pain.

Lia felt her shirt dampen, but she didn't care. Whatever you do to her, she will take it all in, as long as you feel better in the end, Lia will gladly be your tissue, your enemy, your punching bag. Lia murmured against your hair, "I'm here. I will always be here." She held you tighter; she didn't want you to fade away from her.

You took deep breaths to calm down your nerves. You pulled away from Lia and made your way to the couch. You brought your knees up and buried your face in the space between. You hissed, "I hate what he does to me. He's not even here!" This time you whispered, "And yet, he's able to bring me down to my knees... scared."

Lia met you three years ago; months after your event. You were just a newly hired TA. When Lia first saw you, you looked like a girl who was barely keeping her life together. You told her beforehand - when you started room mating with her, that you have PTSD and that your panic attacks happen from time to time. You didn't really tell her the whole story, just that you were in a very abusive relationship and that you experienced something so terrifying. She accepted you with an open mind and open arms; from then on, Lia became your rock.

Lia got up and sat right next to you. She wanted to ask you a question, but she was scared that you would hate her or push her away for asking. But this question has been in her mind for a while now. After taking a few seconds thinking to think it through, Lia wiped her sweating palms on her pants and inquired, "____, if you don't mind me asking... why didn't you call the police on him? You should've, 'cause I don't think he should be performing after everything he's done to you."

Your eyes started getting blurry; you told yourself the exact same thing, but there was a reason. With your head still buried, you softly replied, "It's easier said than done, Lia. I wished I called the police on him - I wish I could call the police on him, but I can't. Because in simple words... I love him. I hate myself for loving him. Even after everything he has done to me, and everything he has said to me, I love him. Does that make me a horrible person?"

Lia felt herself invisibly jumping out of the couch. No way does she think you're a horrible person. You're just a person who's been through something horribly traumatic. Her heart was filled with so much pain for you. Lia positioned herself so she was facing your small figure, and expressed, "____, no way in hell are you a horrible person. Far from it! I won't be able to say that I relate or know what you're going through, because I don't. But I am able to say that I'll support you and understand your feelings and decisions."

You lifted your head but still kept your eyes on your knees; you muttered, "I met him when we were thirteen years old. He was a very shy and reserved kid - hated social interactions. I remember..." you quietly giggled without realizing when you were remembering the fond memories, "I remember when he used to make small mixtapes every anniversary with letters. He wasn't always a horrible person. He used to be kind, supportive, and loving. One of my favorite things about him was his selflessness towards me. I loved that he would always think about my needs, what I wanted, what I was thinking, and how I was feeling, but in turn, he did the opposite for himself. It was a blessing and a curse."

Lia looked at you and saw the small smile showing. This look was rare for you, and every time it made its appearance, Lia would always treasure it. "He must have been a great person for you to smile like that." You furrowed your brows; you turned to Lia with confusion. "What smile?" you questioned. Lia rolled her eyes, "Well, there's no smile anymore."

You took a deep sigh and apologized, "I'm sorry for talking about him. It's just - just talking about him in this light makes me happy and warm... even if it only lasts for a few seconds." Lia noticed that you started tearing up. Your face was slightly contorted with pain; you were trying not to cry, holding it in but it didn't work. Your tears were freely falling, and Lia comforted you once again. You quietly whimpered, "During that time I called him a monster, but really, I don't want to remember him as the monster in my life because at one point he used to be my prince who saved me from one. I try to think and talk about him in this beautiful light that he used to be under - I want to remember him as that, but the pain he brought upon me is too hard to ignore." You started wailing at this point, "It continues to haunt me, and I hate it! I want to hate him, but I can't! I can't!"

Lia felt herself crying for your pain. She felt herself slowly dying by your words. It truly kills her that her most precious and beautiful friend is going through so much pain. As you both cried into each other's arms, you could hear Lia continuously apologize through her cries. You were so grateful to have such an amazing person as her.

Once you were calmed down, you pulled away from the still tearful woman and wiped her tears away. "Don't cry anymore, Lia." you sniffled, "What happened to me - what's still happening to me would never be fully cured, but I know that whatever happens next, you'll be by my side, and slowly but surely, I won't be able to be to feel the pain anymore. Okay?" Lia nodded her head with a soft smile. You're right, as long as she's with you and as long as you are with her everything will be fine. You guys are each other's glue - each other's person.

There is no doubt in your mind that this pain will pass by. You don't know how long that will take, but until the day comes, having Lia with you eases your heart from pain as much as possible.

"You mailed her my letter?"

"Yes, Jungkook."

The tired man finished his show with a bang, and even though people enjoyed his performance, Jungkook couldn't seem to feel all that happy. For the past year since he finished his rehab, nothing has felt more depressing.

The morning of that night when he woke up, Jonny had told him that you had left, and he was to go to rehab immediately. He hated you for leaving, he hated that you left him in such a messy state. Jungkook blamed everything on you. Jonny had told the ill man that if it wasn't for you, everything that he had worked so hard on would go down the drain. At first, Jungkook didn't understand why you left or what Jonny was saying, but as time went on, he knew that everything was his fault. His addictions and his abusive behavior were all his fault. The reason for your disappearance was his fault. Your pain - everything was all him.

Jungkook knows that there will be no way for him to fix the things he has done and the things he had said, but even so, he would try his damn hardest to fix it. When he finished rehab, Jungkook made it a mission to send you a letter every week, telling you about his days throughout the week, how much he loves and cares for you, telling you how much he is so regretful. Deep down he knows that he is being selfish, he knows that he should let you go - let you move on, but the helpless man is stuck in the past. The past is what keeps him alive. The past is his only source of reason. Jungkook doesn't want to let go of that one thing he has left of you.

Jonny felt so much pity for the man, he didn't have the heart to tell him that he didn't know your address. He would accept the letters, promising that he would mail them, but when night rolls around your letters would be burned. Jonny wanted to quit being Jungkook's manager, but you begged and begged for him to stay with the broken singer. You wanted Jungkook to at least have one person for him to lean on when things get hard. Jonny admires your strength - how strong of a woman you are, so, he agreed.

"You should just stop already, Jungkook. She's never gonna mail you back. I know your reason, but you lost her, and you can never fix that." Jonny was getting tired; tired of seeing the broken singer trying with no prevail.

Jungkook walked up to his manager and lowly whispered, "You think I don't know that, Jonny? Ever since I learned that everything is my fault... I knew that she would never come back to me. Yet I still hope - even if that hope is microscopic or nonexistent, I hope that I will be able to see or be with her again."

The fatigued man took a few steps back and lowered his heavy head down. His eyes searched the floor trying to keep his tears at bay, but it didn't work. The salty tears of this poor singer escaped and landed harshly on the wooden floor. Sniffling, the fatigued man uttered, "You think I don't know that you burn my letters?" Jungkook lifted his head up and saw the ashamed manager looking back at him.

He continued, "You're not as discreet as you think you are, Jonny. I went to your hotel room to ask for a favor... and I saw you burn my eighth letter with sadness swimming in your eyes. I connected the dots from there, and I realized that you never sent any of my letters because you don't know her address, huh? You're left in the dark like I am, huh? You know nothing about her whereabouts, about how she's doing, about anything, huh, Jonny!" The manager kept quiet; didn't know what to say.

Jungkook slumped down on the nearest chair with a hard thump. He leaned his head back with closed eyes and softly whimpered, "I now understand the meaning ‘You reap what you sow’… I'm never gonna stop. I know I can never fix this, but I promise you Jonny, I will never stop. Ten years - fifty years from now, I will keep writing her letters... knowing that deep down all of this is for nothing. I don't care if I'm shaming myself by doing this - I don't care about anything but her. She's not mine anymore but I'm forever hers. Let me live like this. Let me live with the consequences. Let me drown myself in this regret."

The destroyed man opened his eyes and gently moved his head to the side to see the lone figure of his manager feet away. With a deep sigh, Jungkook claimed, "You're just my manager, right? So, don't involve yourself in my pitiful life. Just do the job you were hired to do, along with getting my letters. Don't care what you do to them - burn them, keep them hidden, rip them up... doesn't matter, just don't let me know about it; let me falsely believe that you mailed them to her. Alright? Now please get the car... I wanna go home."

[spectersgirl]

heyyy!! so i just started s5 of suits and (spoiler if you haven’t seen it!!!!) harvey’s panic attacks were introduced after donna left and IM HURTING FOR HIM. but i think that’s such great angst material lol so if you’re still taking requests maybe something with that?

Hiiiii friends!

I know I've been gone for... quite a while... but I'm hoping to start writing more frequently again! I've undergone some massive life changes over the last few months and the stress of that basically caused me to completely burn out creatively. That being said, I have a TONNN of requests in my inbox and a few of them are generally in this same realm, so I will be using all of them for this piece, I hope that's okay with you all <3

The other requests were

"soft harvey just around his girl in a tense moment?!"

"hiii! i love your writing! i was wondering if you could write a fic where harvey had like a bad day at work and he just goes home and collapses onto the reader. like just hugs and softness and cuddles galore!"

I referenced actual events and lines from the show but changed up the context a little bit, obviously.

I appreciate you all for reading my work and liking it enough to request anything from me. I've never had such a positive response to anything I've created before, so this all means the world to me. Truly, thank you :')

Be With You

Harvey Specter x Reader

--------

It was nearly 11pm and you were teetering on sleep, having worked all day and come home to do a much-needed cleaning of your apartment followed by a glass of wine, when your phone loudly pinged on the nightstand. You fumbled for it and turned on the small bedside lamp next to you. You smiled when you saw it was your boyfriend, probably just saying goodnight, you'd assumed.

"Hey, can I come over? Please? I really need to see you right now."

A pit formed in your stomach reading the words on your screen. Though you hadn't been dating Harvey all that long, you'd spent a lot of time together, but he'd never sent a message like that.

"Of course, is everything okay?"

You couldn't help but worry, it was simply in your nature. You stared at the bubbles that indicated he was typing, which seemed to take an eternity.

"Not really, it's been a rough day and I just really need you."

Your heart lurched, Harvey had rough days all the time as a lawyer, but none had caused this response from him. You wondered what could've possibly happened. You got up, going back out into the living room and took a seat on the couch as you lit your electric fireplace with a remote.

"I'm sorry :( come over whenever, I'll unlock the door for you."

You did just that and looked down at the pajamas you'd chosen, just some shorts and a tank top. You decided they were fine enough for Harvey to see you in. You busied yourself with some TV to pass the time until he arrived. He was there in 20 minutes, and you immediately clocked the visible exhaustion on his face as he walked inside.

He dropped his jacket onto the couch without saying a word. You opened your arms for him as he walked to you and wrapped himself around you in a hug that felt like he was clinging to you for dear life. You stroked the hair at the back of his neck as he breathed you in, and you felt that he had been sweating.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" You asked hesitantly, still cradled in his strong arms.

He shook his head before pulling back, allowing you to really look at him now. His eyes looked like he'd been crying, and his cheeks were flushed. Your heart plummeted into your stomach.

"Not right now, I just need to be with you." He said, his voice slightly hoarse.

You nodded and sat with him on the couch, laying your head on his chest while you listened to his heartbeat. He absentmindedly stroked your hair while staring into the fireplace, debating on whether he wanted to fully open up about everything that was on his mind.

When he finally spoke, his voice was laced with nerves, and you sat up at full attention.

"I... A while back, right before I met you, Donna had left my desk to go and work for Louis. When that happened, I started having panic attacks. It felt like I couldn't think, couldn't breathe, it just completely took over my entire body until it passed. She came back to work for me, and then I met you, and I think that combination helped me tremendously."

You nodded, listening as he continued.

"I didn't want to tell you about it because I didn't want you to worry or make you think I was weak, and since I stopped having them, I didn't think it was important anymore, but today... I had another one."

"Harvey, I would never think you were weak for being honest about your feelings or your struggles. I'd like to think you'd be understanding and supportive of me if I was going through the same thing."

"Of course I would!" He said definitively.

"Exactly. So, do you want to talk about it? Or do you want to sit some more?"

He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair.

"Donna told me she didn't want to be on my desk anymore, she said she wanted more. I get that, but I just don't know how I'm going to do what I do without her help."

"Did she say what she meant by 'more'?" You asked softly.

"She said she didn't know."

Harvey hung his head slightly, looking down at the floor. You could tell how much this was affecting him, normally he had all the answers and didn't sweat about getting what he wanted, but this time felt different. You knew how much he and Donna had been through for them to get to this point, so it never occurred to you that someday she might want to leave her position. You idly rubbed circles on his back.

"Maybe you can still give her more and keep her at the firm with you?" You suggested, desperately trying to come up with a solution to soothe the pain you knew he was in.

"I'd love that, but ultimately if she wants to go, I have no choice but to let her."

You sighed and laid your head on his shoulder, you yawned and briefly closed your eyes as he placed a kiss on the top of your head.

"You tired?" Harvey asked softly, suddenly noticing that it was long past the time you normally went to bed.

You nodded, sitting up again.

"Yeah, but I knew you needed me." You answered, looking up at him as you grabbed his hand, kissing the back of it.

"I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to keep you up." He replied, feeling guiltier than he had when he walked in. The time hadn't even registered to him after the day he'd had.

"No, no. It's okay, this is what partners do. You should be able to lean on one another, it's a balance. I'm glad you trust me and our relationship enough to want me to be with you for this while you process. Now, are you sleeping here with me or are we going back to your place? Because I know you, and I know you won't admit you don't want to sleep alone tonight."

Harvey smiled weakly before he pulled you in for a soft kiss.

"I love you, Y/N. So much." He whispered against your lips when the kiss broke.

The admission made your heart skip a beat. Neither of you had said the L word yet, but you knew from the moment you saw him that he was it for you. Harvey had felt the same but didn't want to come off as some crazy boyfriend that knew you for all of five minutes, so he buried those feelings deep down for as long as he could bare.

"I love you too, Harvey." You said, a smile growing on your lips.

"Let's stay here tonight, I don't want to spend another second not in a bed with the wonderful, gorgeous, brilliant, selfless woman that I love." Harvey declared, standing and taking you with him.

"Uh oh, you're gonna make me cry." You warned, sensing the impending waterworks.

"I'm just getting started."

[georgiebrits]

Panic attack -Yang Jungwon

You were working when you got a call from Sunghoon "Hoonie"

“Hey y/n! Sorry I had to call but it's a very important matter!”

“Sunghoon what is it? Do you need me to come over or…?”

“Yes, it is about Jungwon" You could hear the desperation in his voice

“Okay.. what about him?"

“He's been really stressed out, and has hardly left his apartment!” He sounded like he was crying “I think he's having a panic attack right now"

"I'm on my way. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

You hung up and started walking as fast as possible to his apartment building,

When you finally reached the place you knocked, waiting for someone to answer

It took a while but finally, the door opened

The first thing you noticed was that Sunghoon looked really worried

Then you noticed how pale he was and how his hair looked messy. You saw that he had bags under his eyes

After that, you saw that he didn't look healthy at all. He was thin and looked exhausted

“Y/n, thank god! He's in here!” He led you inside to his living room and pointed at the couch where Sunghoon had just sat

There he was, Jungwon

His breathing was so rapid and shallow, that he looked like he couldn't breathe properly. His cheeks and ears were flushed red and tears were streaming down his face.

"I'm here Jungwon..." You say while grabbing onto him "It's going to be ok".

Sunghoon stood up saying "I'm going out for a bit. Take some time and if anything happens call me."

He left out the door when you grabbed Jungwon's face to make him look at you.

“Look at me Jungwon, everything is going to be fine.” You try to reassure him

Jungwon looks at you with scared eyes and starts crying again

“Please... don't cry anymore..." He whispers through his sobbing "Please... don't leave me, please... I can't"

In a situation like this one it is hard to calm him down, but you have been together for long enough that you decided to do the one thing that seems to do the trick.

You lead his hand to your breast. Your boyfriend's hand instinctively squeezes your breast, eliciting a soft moan from your lips. He lightly circles his thumb over your nipple, sending shivers through your body. He really has something for your boobs, it always calms him down.

As he pushes down your shirt, your breasts are fully exposed and he takes one into his mouth, sucking and gently biting your nipple. You let out a gasp of pleasure, arching your back.

He looks so cute suckling your breasts like that.

He looks up towards you, his eyes still filled with fear, and you lean down to kiss his forehead, whispering a small word of encouragement.

He pulls away slightly from your chest and leans against your shoulder

“Are you ready to stop now, love?”

He shakes his head no as he hikes up your skirt and gets your panties off.

Your boyfriend's fingers move between your legs, trailing up and down, teasing your clit. You moan his name, your body writhing with pleasure. His fingers finally slip inside you, making you gasp and pant.

His other hand goes to your breast again, kneading them lovingly. His touch makes your breath hitch in anticipation.

He keeps stroking your breast as he kisses your neck. You feel wetness on your skin and a moment later he's lapping it off.

“Oh fuck Jungwon, fuck"

He lowers his pants enough so his cock can spring free. He wastes no time in lining himself up with your entrance.

You feel him enter you, filling you up and stretching you out. His thrusts start off slow and steady, but soon he's pounding into you with wild abandon. You moan and whimper, your body responding to his every touch. He grabs onto your hips, pulling you closer to him with each thrust.

Your moans get louder and higher pitched until you're screaming his name in orgasm.

“Fuck, Y/n, fuck" He yells. You both collapse onto the couch, sweaty and sated

The two of you lie there for quite some time, catching your breaths. It feels good to be close to him.

"Why were you having a panic attack? What happened?" you ask after your breathing returns to normal.

Your boyfriend looks at you with concern, his hand still resting on your hip. "I don't know," he says, shaking his head. "It just hit me out of nowhere. I started feeling really anxious and my heart was racing. I couldn't catch my breath." He leans in to kiss you, trying to reassure himself that everything is okay.

You accept, returning the gesture.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you question after breaking the kiss

.

“Not really,” he replies looking at you “I feel like it will only make everything worse.”

“If you ever change your mind, we'll always be here.” You wrap an arm around him

You kiss him and get dressed again to go and make dinner for everyone when they get home.

[pablitogavii]

Something sad with Pablo but it ends in fluff

Exhaustion

You overwork yourself again 🥺

Pablo came back from training only to hear sobs coming form your shared bedroom. He was petrified that something bad happened to you so he threw the bag to the side and rushed inside.

He found you on the floor surrounded by papers, notebooks, and markers crying your beautiful eyes out.

"Que pasaba mi amor? Why is my girl crying huh??" he stepped over your "work" sitting down besides you and scooping you in his strong arms.

"Um..I don't have enough time..and I can't find my red pen..and..um..I feel so sick right now" you were mumbling anxiously and Pablo knew exactly what was going on. You were overworking yourself again and if he doesn't stop you right now you will bring yourself to a panic attack.

"Alright. Let's get out of here, vale?" he said raising you up in his arms and carrying you out of the stuffy room and into the living room. He sat down on the couch with you small in his arms nuzzling your face into his neck.

"Have you eaten anything preciosa??" he asked already knowing the answer to this questions. When things get overwhelming you stop taking care of yourself and Pablo hated it!

"Um.." you didn't say anything knowing Pablo would get angry at you like always because he gets so scared when he sees you like this.

"And how many times have I said you must eat at least something before I come back from the training!?"he was stern with you because he knew that's the way to take hims seriously and you did as your eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry P..Pabs" you say but he wasn't just going to forgive you and let you ruin your health like this again. He would die if anything happened to you because you were the love of his life so he wasn't about to take this lightly.

"And what if I come home next time seeing you passed out on the floor!? Sorry isn't enough amor!" he said and you started to cry into his chest while his hair was caressing your hair. You needed to know that he was angry because he wasn't about to lose you!

"Estas bien princesa..shh..shh..we'll fix this vale?" he was praising but you were spirling thinking Pablo wanted to break up with you because you're such a mess.

"Please don't break up with me..I..um..I'll be better I promise..I won't overwork myself again and I'll eat my meals..but..but don't leave.." you were sobbing and Pablo furrowed his eyebrows realizing what you were assuming right now. He grabbed your face making you look up at him before crashing his lips on your passionately.

"Amor, I'm not going anywhere! Hey, please trust me vale? I'm not going to leave just because things get hard sometimes..te amo preciosa..te amo muchisimo" he was kissing away your tears but you were still panicking since everyone in your life left when things got too hard.

"Um..y..y..yo te amo..Pablito" you were mumbling through tears and he pulled you close as you laid on his chest and listened to his even heartbeat.

"Lo siento amor if it sounded like I wanted to leave..I was just a little angry that you weren't taking care of yourself..porque te amo muchisimo and it hurts me to see you like this." he explained and you were starting to calm down a bit although still a little shaken up.

"Estas bien..just..um..hold me a little longer vale?" you say with a shaken up voice and Pablo smiles kissing the top of your head and pulling you close as you rested up against him.

"For as long as you need preciosa mia..I'm right here with you" he whispered and it helped to hear that and feel him close at that moment.

When you had your rest, Pablo helped you finish your work then making some dinner so both of you can fuel up before having some well deserved cuddles on the couch 🥰

IK it's short but I didn't have more time lol😊

[waywardserpent176389053]

Natsuki's Doki Doki Panic

So, I wrote this awhile ago and thought it would be a good idea to post it here as well. I'll upload the other chapters in the next few days.

Anyway here is chapter one.

The Clubroom Incident.

Natsuki woke up tired. Groaning, she forced herself out of bed and moved to get dressed. Lately she had been getting more and more exhausted, worn out by simple day to day effort. Natsuki had already stayed home from school a few times, but she was falling behind on class work and had to study for the big test. Besides, today was Literature Club and Natsuki wouldn’t miss it if her life depended on it.

As she put her shirt on a spike of pain lanced though her chest. This had also started happening recently, and it bothered her even more than the exhaustion. Natsuki rubbed her sternum, was something wrong with her heart? No, it couldn’t be, she was young and healthy. Natsuki shook away her troubled thoughts. She was going to school, she was going to Literature Club, she was going to talk to Yuri, and she was going to have a good time. Filled with resolve she headed down the stairs to start her day.

Monika was already finishing up breakfast when Natsuki entered the kitchen. The smaller girl gave a quick wave and hoped up to take a seat at the central table. "Hope you prepared extra!" Natsuki said with a smile.

The club president turned to her ward, "Natsuki! I thought you still weren't feeling well?" Monika asked. It had only been a few months since Natsuki came to live with her after Natsuki escaped from her fathers 'care', and the smaller girl had spent a not insignificant portion of that time ill.

Natsuki shrugged her shoulders "I got better." She responded simply. "And I'm hungry, so if you could." Natsuki gestured to her empty plate. Monika rolled her eyes before dropping a pancake onto Natsuki's plate, which the girl immediately attacked.

Monika sat across from her friend and began to eat her own food. "This is the most energy you've had in a while Natsuki" Monika said. "I hope you still have enough to make it to Club after school."

Natsuki nodded as swallowed another bite of pancake. "That's the plan. And I need to catch up on classes, even with your study help I still think I'm missing some things..." Natsuki trailed off.

"I'll ignore that insult" Monika stated calmly before taking a sip of her drink. Natsuki reddened immediately in response "Sorry I didn't mean-"

"It's fine Natsuki, I'm aware that I have limits and it was a joke anyway." Monika gave Natsuki a soft look. "I'm not him, I won't get angry for no reason, okay?" Natsuki released a breath and nodded. They spent the rest of breakfast quietly chatting.

Finally they made their way outside getting inside Monika's car. Right before leaving Monika turned to Natsuki again "You are sure you're fine?" Monika questioned.

Natsuki beamed. "Never felt better" she lied. Together they set off.

Unfortunately for Natsuki she wasn't fine, there was something wrong with her heart. While she had recently escaped her father’s abusive hold, the years of malnutrition had reaped a toll, stunting her growth and, critically, weakening her heart. If Natsuki had been in good health before she had starved then perhaps her heart would still be in good shape. But fate could not be so kind, in addition to the malnutrition Natsuki had been born with a heart murmur. On its own it would have been harmless, but working in concert with the malnutrition it created a critical flaw in her heart. Now with a ticking time bomb in her chest Natsuki went about her day with little knowledge about how close to death she was.

The day had been a hard one. Natsuki had struggled to stay awake through her classes, and had twice more felt sharp chest pain. By now Natsuki had decided that she would go to the doctor, probably tomorrow if she could manage it. Not tonight though, it was probably already too late to schedule an appointment anyway. And Yuri... Natsuki really wanted to see Yuri again. She had become increasingly sure that Yuri probably liked her back, and that thought was just so exciting. Her happy feelings were interrupted by another jab of pain. Natsuki sucked in a breath and clutched her chest. That one had really hurt! She waited a moment for the pain to recede before continuing on, now very sure that there was something wrong. Suddenly, a pair of arms embraced her.

“Hey Nats! How ya doing?!” Sayori nearly yelled. Natsuki smiled even as she fought down another wave of pain. ‘God, if she does that again I might have a heart attack’ Natsuki thought to herself.

“Fine” Natsuki lied. The pain was fading once more, but it wasn’t completely subsiding. Sayori gave a quizzical look.

“Are you sure Natsuki? I mean, you missed a lot of school recently.” Sayori had a concerned look.

“While I got better.” Natsuki said with a grin sticking out her tongue. Sayori smiled back.

“Well, I guess there’s nothing to worry about then.” She began to make her way to the Club room and Natsuki followed. “Oh! By the way MC won’t be here today.” Sayori explained.

Natsuki turned her head “Why Not?”

“Some family dinner thing or something” Sayori said as she waved her hand about.

“Shouldn’t you know? You’re dating him, Sayori.” Natsuki laughed and Sayori did as well.

“Well I don’t know everything he does!” Sayori exclaimed as the two friends shared their mirth.

Meanwhile, within Natsuki’s chest her heart continued to suffer. Going through back to back jolts had unbalanced the organ even further. It would now take only one or two more pushes before failing completely.

At last Natsuki and Sayori arrived at the club room. Monika had set things up as usual, and Yuri had already seated herself in the corner. She was beautiful, her purple hair flowing over her shoulders, her face a picture of perfection, and her chest... Natsuki calmed herself, no need to get too excited.

“Alright everyone, we’re going to have a light day today, no poem readings or anything like that.” Monika said with a smile.

“So just personal reading?” Yuri asked.

“Yep!” Monika replied. She had already pulled out her own book and taken a seat. “You can read together of course, but I’m sure you already knew that.” She said with a knowing glance in Natsuki’s direction.

Natsuki could take a hint and had already made her way over to Yuri. “Mind if I sit?” she questioned.

“Well you would have to if we want to finish our book” said Yuri with a soft smile. Natsuki returned the smile and took up her seat next to Yuri.

Together they picked up where that had left off. Each took turns reading out loud as they flipped each page. Being so close to Yuri, sharing this experience with her, the book itself, all of it combined to make Natsuki very happy. The warmth sunk into her chest which caused another wave of fresh agony.

Natsuki grimaced and rubbed her chest. ‘Goddamn it! Not again’ she thought, trying very hard to make Yuri not notice.

“Is something wrong Natsuki?” Yuri said as she turned around. Natsuki had failed.

“Um, well nothing really. I feel fine.” Natsuki lied. Yuri gave her a stern look.

“You sure? You missed a lot of school. And just then you looked like you were in pain? Natsuki, if something’s wrong you can tell me.” Yuri wore a look of concern.

“It’s nothing serious,” Natsuki replied. “I’ve just been tired lately, that’s all.”

Yuri gave an unsure and worried glance towards Natsuki. “Okay” she replied. They returned to their reading, surrounded by a new uneasiness.

Meanwhile, Natsuki’s heart rate began to rise, half due to nerves, half due to the malnutrition and murmur. Natsuki shifted around in her seat, a small trickle of pain flowing into her chest. Suddenly Yuri spoke again.

“Sorry. It’s just that...” Her sentence trailed off and Natsuki froze, waiting for her to finish the sentence. Yuri took a deep breath before continuing, “It’s, well, I don’t know how to put this...”

Natsuki had moved to the edge of the seat. Both Sayori and Monika were trying to hide their very clear glances behind their books. Yuri was blushing heavily now, twisting her hair between her fingers, she continued. “I just really care about you and... I think I might like you Natsuki.”

The room was silent. Natsuki sat bug eyed on the chair next to Yuri, her face just as red as hers. Her breath was coming out fast as she hunted through her mind for a response. “Yuri...” Natsuki began, then the most awful wave of agony Natsuki had ever felt washed over her.

Acting on instinct Natsuki moved her hand to her chest, digging into the shirt above her left breast. “I...” she tried to communicate something, a warning, a cry for help perhaps, but it died on her lips as she struggled to draw in air. Yuri was immediately next to her, her expression one of fear.

“Natsuki! What’s wrong!” Yuri said, almost falling out of her chair as she rushed for her companion. Sayori was almost immediately next to Natsuki as well, helping her out of her chair along with Yuri. As Natsuki stood black spots began to creep into her vision. She tried to walk, but her legs felt like they were made of lead. Sayori was trying to help her walk (when had she started walking?) but she had no balance. Her legs gave out, she reached out to grab a desk, succeeded, then her arm gave out spilling her to the floor. Natsuki was aware of her friends surrounding her, their desperate voices, and the overwhelming sense of her heart seemingly being crushed.

Within Natsuki her heart had taken too much, the organ was beating out of control and rapidly heading towards complete arrest. With every skip and stutter a new pulse of torment swept through her. Within moments the pain became too much for Natsuki’s consciousness and she fell into the black void of senselessness. Her heart couldn’t take the punishment either, within a moment of Natsuki sinking into unconsciousness ventricular fibrillation took hold. With that Natsuki’s life began to slip away.

The Club erupted in chaos, Sayori stood over the collapsed Natsuki in shock, Yuri had fallen next to the girl and was shaking her shoulders begging her to wake up, and Monika was only just beginning to process what had just happened. Monika shook her head, she needed to focus, a friend and Club member was in trouble and she looked to be the only one who could help. Monika moved to Natsuki’s side, kneeling down and rolling the girl over. Natsuki’s eyes had closed and worryingly her lips were turning blue. Monika checked Natsuki for breath or pulse, and unsurprisingly found neither. For a moment terror threatened to overwhelm her, one of her close friends was literally dying in front of her. Monika took another deep breath and steeled herself.

“Yuri! Call 911 now!” Monika shouted. “Sayori! Run to the theater and get the AED!” Monika was already undoing Natsuki’s blazer, her fingers gliding along the clothing.

Sayori nodded immediately and sprinted out the door. Meanwhile Yuri, shaking, handed the phone to Monika. “911, what is your emergency?” Asked the voice from the phone, calm and focused.

“My friend just collapsed, she isn’t breathing and doesn’t have a pulse” Monika quickly spoke into the phone, her hands struggling to undo Natsuki’s vest, it’s zipper jammed a third of the way down.

“Do you know CPR?” The operator questioned as Monika continued to wrestle with the zipper. Yuri was next to her and, without a sound, handed Monika a knife. Monika took it without hesitation, using it to slice through the vest and white button-up underneath. Natsuki was now left only in a simple black bra.

“Do you know CPR?” The operator repeated her question as Monika interlaced her fingers over Natsuki’s sternum.

“Yes'' Monika replied with more calm than she felt as she forced her weight forward. The compressions were fierce, each one crushing Natsuki’s chest in and rocking the rest of her body to and fro. “We are at Grancastle High School, room 119.” Monika was composed as she forced her friend's heart to pump blood, keeping a steady pace of fast compressions. Monika switched her gaze up to Yuri, who looked on the edge of tears.

“Yuri,” Monika said quietly, “I’m going to run out of steam if I have to do all this alone, I’m going to need you to breathe for Natsuki” Yuri’s eyes went wide as she turned red.

“But-”

“I’ll show you how to do it” Monika said as she finished the first round of compressions, she moved towards Natsuki’s head. “It’s easy” Monika said with forced serenity, “You tilt her head back” Monika handled Natsuki with great care as she bent her head back. “Then you pinch her nose shut and give two breaths.” Monika’s lips met Natsuki's, the smaller girl’s cheeks puffing out and her chest expanding with the breath. Monika lifted her face from Natsuki’s for only a small moment, huffing in another breath before forcing it into Natsuki’s body. Respiration completed, Monika returned to compressions without hesitation, hammering her friend's sternum.

Monika looked up at Yuri who still looked petrified. Monika’s gaze pierced into Yuri’s “Yuri, if you don’t help, Natsuki will die” her words were edged with ice. Yuri took a deep breath and steeled herself. She moved next to Natsuki, close enough to hear the air forced out from her lips with every one of Monika’s compressions, Close enough to see her crush’s stomach bulge as her chest was forced down, close enough to see her feet sway in a fast rhythm. Yuri rested her hand on Natsuki’s head, already it was beginning to cool. Yuri forced down a wave of nausea as Monika finished the set. “Breathe!” She commanded, and Yuri, drawing in a breath, obeyed.

Natsuki’s lips were slack as Yuri's own met them. She didn’t move or react to the contact in any way, Yuri’s breath merely moved into her causing her chest to expand. Yuri sucked in another gasp of air and forced it into the girl again. The same result followed. Mechanically Monika moved back into position and once more tried to force Natsuki’s heart to beat. Natsuki remained still, her only motion caused by the outside effort of the CPR.

The sound of sprinting foot falls heralded Sayori’s arrival as she practically leaped through the door, AED under her arm. “I’m sorry! I forgot where it was for a second and I paused-“ She was crying as she knelt down with her friends.

Monika quickly glanced her way, not once ceasing her compressions. “It’s okay Sayori, just set it up.” Monika didn’t bother to look up from her frantic work. Sayori unzipped the machine and flipped it open.

“REMOVE CLOTHING FROM PATIENTS CHEST” The AEDs voice was unsurprisingly flat. Sayori snatched up the clothing shears, and moved to Natsuki’s bra as Monika paused her compressions. Sayori hesitated only a moment before cutting the last piece of clothing on Natsuki’s chest. Immediately Monika was crushing down Natsuki’s chest once more, the smaller girls exposed breasts moving in pace with the rhythm.

“REMOVE AND ATTACH PADS AS SHOWN” Was the next prompt. Sayori unpeeled the pads and attached them around Monika’s hands: one on the right under Natsuki’s collarbone, the other on the left below Natsuki’s swaying breast. “DO NOT TOUCH PATIENT- ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM” The machine stated before beeping twice. Monika and Yuri moved back leaving Natsuki laying still on the floor. Though invisible to the rest of the club, the AED carefully measured the electrical impulses of Natsuki’s heart, finding them chaotic and not fit to sustain life. “STAND BY- PREPARING TO SHOCK” the AED announced before releasing a high pitched whine. The AED continued: “ EVERYONE CLEAR. PUSH THE FLASHING BUTTON” Sayori reached out and pressed down on the blinking red light.

The stored charge rolled though Natsuki’s body striking her fibrillating heart and causing her body to spasm slightly. Her head lolled to the side and fingers twitched as the AED did what it could. “SHOCK DELIVERED. ANALYSING HEART RHYTHM.” Once more the machine searched for a stable heart rate, but the shock had been ineffective and Natsuki’s heart still shook uselessly within her. “CONTINUE CPR” Without missing a beat Monika returned to keeping Natsuki alive.

“Shouldn’t she have woken up?” Yuri said as tears began to streak down her cheeks. “It doesn’t always work on the first one” Monika didn’t bother to look up from Natsuki’s chest as she answered Yuri.

“Then…” Sayori attempted to form a question before Monika interrupted her. “Then we shock her again and we keep going until the medics get here or she wakes up.” Sweat was gathering on Monika’s brow, the toll of the constant, exhausting compressions. Her face was expressionless, her gaze focused on making sure that every push on Natsuki’s rib cage carried enough strength to force blood through her dying friend’s system.

“Breathe.” Monika said, almost as much to Natsuki as Yuri. Yuri once again forced oxygen into her crush’s system, then repeated the action. As Natsuki's chest rose with Yuri’s breaths it became clear that a large bruise had settled between her breasts.

“DO NOT TOUCH PATIENT- ANALYZING HEART RHYTHM” The AED’s voice shook Yuri back to attention. Once more the AED searched for a life sustaining heart rhythm, and once more found only an ever-weakening fibrillation. “STAND BY- PREPARING TO SHOCK.” Monika and Yuri moved back, while Sayori already had her thumb over the shock button. “EVERYONE CLEAR. PUSH THE FLASHING BUTTON.”

Everyone’s gaze was locked on Natsuki as Sayori practically hammered the blinking red light. This time the shock was much more visible, arching Natsuki’s back slightly. It only lasted for a brief moment before she crashed back down, her small breasts swaying with the impact. Once again Natsuki laid still and gave no response. “SHOCK DELIVERED. ANALYSING HEART RHYTHM.” A brief moment passed, “CONTINUE CPR.”

“Goddamn it” Monika whispered under her breath as she returned to keeping Natsuki alive, the rest of the club looking on with increasing horror. They didn’t say anything, perhaps they were too frightened that saying something would cause the worst to happen. A sudden pop sound caught their attention, Monika briefly pausing before continuing to force down Natsuki’s sternum. “What was…” Sayori started before Monika interjected “I broke a rib, it happens.” Monika was clearly exhausted, her breathing had become haggard and even more sweat covered her. Tried as she was she did not relent, she wouldn’t until Natsuki got better, her body gave out, or she was forced to stop.

Monika finished the set, “Breathe” she gasped out as Yuri scrambled to position. Two breaths and more canned AED dialogue as the club waited. The machine searched for electrical activity and found none, not even the chaos of fibrillation. After the last shock Natsuki’s heart had fully given out slipping into complete cardiac arrest, it now lay still in her chest. “NO SHOCK ADVISED. CONTINUE CPR.” The voice said.

“Fuck!” Monika practically yelled before going back to desperate compressions. “Wait” Sayori said eyes wide “What does that mean?” Yuri’s hands covered her mouth, she was beginning to shake. “It means we keep going,” Monika huffed out with difficulty. Doubt was beginning to eat at the club, as far as they could reckon their friend was dying on their watch.

It was then that the paramedics burst in, wasting no time in surrounding the fallen Natsuki. There were two of them, both men dressed in matching blue. One had already begun to move Monika away from her friend while the other took over CPR. “Easy now,” said the one pushing Monika back, “We’re going to help your friend now, but I need to know some things, okay?” The man's voice was calm and Monika gave a shaky nod.

“How long had she been down?” The paramedic asked as he opened a bag, revealing an EKG. He removed the AED pads and with haste attached the leads of the new machine, the green screen flaring to life displaying a straight line. He turned to his partner “Asystole” he reported.

“Seven minutes” Monika guessed, Sayori nodded in agreement. “We gave her two shocks from the AED, but it told us to stop.” The paramedic nodded as he took out a pen light and opened Natsuki’s closed eyes. He shined the light in as Monika continued, “She just collapsed, I don’t think she has any condition.”

“Pupils reactive,” he said to his partner, “Anything else? Drugs maybe, she’s sick?” Sayori piped up: “She’s been out of school a lot lately. She said she was too tired to come.” The paramedic knoded, “Giving her a dose of epi, continue CPR” he said as he removed an ambu bag and attached it to Natsuki’s face. He quickly forced three breaths into her before pulling out a syringe and an injection port, he attached both to Natsuki’s neck. The injection was quick, and he immediately returned to the ambu bag, casting his gaze towards the flatlining monitor as the other medic forced Natsuki’s dead heart to beat. The club members had also turned their attention to the EKG, Sayori and Yuri holding one another in blind fear, Monika beside them trying to regain her energy.

A minute passed, then another, as the drug slowly worked its way to Natsuki’s heart. As the epinephrine came into contact with the cardiac muscle it began to twitch and spasm. On the outside the EKG began to spike and surge at random, both medics snapping to attention and grabbing the defibrillator out of the case. “Set for 300,” said the medic with the ambu bag as he set the paddles where the AED pads once laid. “Charge set” his partner stated, the other medic nodded as he turned to the club, “Stay clear.”

The AED shocks had been much smaller in visibility than the full defibrillator, the shock arching Natsuki’s back in full her chest straining against the paddles. Her body fell back to earth with a jolt, shaking with the impact. The monitor showed a large spike settling down into another flatline before picking up again, the arrhythmic peaks of V-fib returning. “Continue CPR, prep second shock” said Ambu bag medic as he returned to his assigned role, his partner doing the same.

Natsuki’s body shook with each compression, but as before she did not reawaken. The paramedics counted softly as they crushed her chest. Before long the paddles were charged again. Another yell of “Clear” preceded another discharge of electricity into Natsuki, but once again her heart failed to return to a proper rate.

As the efforts to revive her friend continued Monika watched the EKG. The longer the resuscitation went on the weaker the waves became, the once high peaks of the arrhythmia flattening out. They were running out of time, if Natsuki fell into asystole a second time the chances of saving her would plummet.

Without comment the paramedics charged their third shock, their expressions set into determined masks. They carefully set the paddles on Natsuki’s naked chest and glanced around at the other girls. Each had their gaze locked on their friends, each face set in a different mask of fear. The paramedics didn’t bother to say clear.

This third shock bowed Natsuki’s entire torso upwards, body seeming to stay in that arched position for a full second before gravity cast her body down with a harsh thump. All attention turned to the EKG, which after the shock had gone flat. A breathless second passed, followed by another. Hope began to flee the room before the EKG announced with a sharp beep and the green line twisting into a peak that Natsuki’s heart had contracted. Then another beep and peak traced across the screen, and a third, and a fourth.

One of the paramedics dug his index finger into Natsuki’s throat, “Sinus Rhythm, slow but stable.” Immediately Natsuki was being placed on a stretcher and wheeled, out her friends following behind. Within moments the paramedics were placing her in an ambulance, the club tentatively standing close by.

One of the paramedics turned, “ Does she have any family to contact?” he asked.

Monika shook her head, “No, she lives with me right now.” The paramedic nodded, and reached out helping her into the ambulance. Sayori and Yuri watched as Monika turned to them with a terse smile. “I’ll call you if anything changes.” Her friends wordlessly nodded as the ambulance doors closed and it drove away.

[omgjumin]

if you're taking requests — how about nanami comforting reader while they have panic attack? (pretty please!) headcanon form or in drabble, i don't mind.

no pressure either way!!

comforting you - nanami kento!

note: of course i can! this is literally right up my alley bc lately that's just how i've been feeling so this would be so comforting to write so! i hope you like this <3

tags: panic/anxiety attack mention and symptoms, overthinking, crying/sobbing, mentions of blood/cuts (only once, not graphic), pet names (my love), nanami just being a sweetheart

- honestly i think it depends on what was the cause of the panic attack

- nanami has different ways of comforting you depending on the situation

it's often nanami comes home late, yet ever since nanami switched careers, going back to being a sorcerer, he would always let you know if he would be home late or be back in the morning. and just that by itself would be anxiety-reducing. however, tonight especially you felt as if something was off. even if nothing was. you paced around the kitchen, not looking for anything to eat, you weren't hungry anyway but you were looking for something to occupy your mind as you waited for nanami's text. your hands grabbed your phone before unlocking it and shutting it off once again.

you felt your chest become heavier and tighter as if bricks were placed on it. your screen lit up once more notifying you that another minute has passed. it read 10:17pm and nanami sent you a text message at 5:02pm that he would be home soon yet he's still not here. he wasn't safe in your arms. he wasn't safe inside your house, eating the dinner you prepared, taking a warm shower, he wasn't here. you started to get more upset and worried by the second, there was a ticking sound in your ears as you felt time go by so slowly. your feet came to a halt as you fell to the floor.

you felt dizzy, your head was spinning round and round yet no matter what you did, it wouldn't stop. your hands wouldn't stop trembling as you tried to reach for your phone that was on the counter. "kento please.." you choked out in an almost sob, tears falling down for face as you tried to muster up the strength to get up. you didn't notice how much time had passed since you got on the floor, but when you felt two arms developing you in a tight hug, your body felt grounded in the moment. "kento?" you blurted out, not really sure if it was truly him.

"im here now, its okay." nanami said, his voice sounded exhausted and there would be darkening eye bags beneath his eyes to prove such a statement but he didn't care. your body curled up into a ball as nanami tightened his arms around you. he settled you onto his lap, hands landing on your waist, temporarily leaving only to wipe the tears off your face. there were multiple blood stains on his clothes and if you looked closely, you could be able to see small cuts along his face as well. nanami was fairly wounded but that was none of his worries now. you were his main priority and he wanted to let you know that he's here and alive. he's here in your arms.

"my love, please look at me." he raised his hands slowly before placing them on each side of your face. he tilted your head up softly, his eyes immediately turning soft the moment he caught your gaze. "you're safe and i'm safe, okay? i'm at home with you." he repeats affirmations to help ease your mind, he keeps his movements slow and soft, not wanting to overwhelm you more. "let's go wash up, okay?" he says after a while, moments of silence pasts with you in his lap on the floor before shaking your head. nanami smiles softly before taking your hand in his and leading you into the bathroom. he still needs to take care of his wounds before they get infected but his eyes were on you, not himself. and it would stay that way until the night ended. nanami ended up calling off of work the next day to be able to stay in with you. you were his world and he was yours, nanami isn't going to let either of you fall.

[doumadono]

Emergency request:

Hey I hope it's okay if I request some comfort with Hawks. I've had struggled for a long time now never really telling anyone even though I have had times where I got anxiety/panic attacks almost daily. Mostly because of some family issues and having to had been safe place and supporter for both my younger siblings and a mother. (there has happened a lot but I won't go to any specific details) It was both freeing and terrifying to have moved on my own since I felt like I had in a way less responsibility havig to just look after myself and do what I want. But I also felt anxious of not really knowing what's going at home and feeling like I wasn't really needed anymore. Not really getting many calls to ask how I was doing or if I do it quickly becomes a 'rant' of what's going on in their life, even though it's much better now than few years back.

I'm finally getting help and send a text to my school psychologist because I have been pretty exhausted about everything building up and not really attending to school either. But I'm proud for finally going to talk there and hopefully getting some more help. I'm just anxious of how no one really knows how much I have been struggling and thinks I'm doing well and I don't know how I'm going to face them telling them if I can't continue school at this moment.. Meaning I would have to break the illusion of how I really am.. I'm just used to keeping it inside but I'm trying to break out of that.. but it's scary xd

I'm sorry for the long explanation I don't mean to vent I'm bad at summarizing stuff. There's absolutely no pressure to write this and I wish you have an amazing day! I wanto say I really love your blog and all your amazing writings!❤️

A/N: I apologize for posting this after the 48-hour emergency request window; I've been quite busy recently. I want you to know that reaching out for help is a brave and significant step. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and it's okay to break the illusion. Your well-being matters, and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. It may be scary, but you're on the path to healing, and there's strength in vulnerability! Keep moving forward, and things will get better ♥

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Hawks had always been known for his swiftness, both in the skies and in his hero duties. But today, as he received your message and read through the turmoil you'd been enduring, he realized that some things couldn't be rushed. He knew that your struggles had been hidden beneath a brave facade for far too long. As he flew toward your place, he used a few of his feathers to discreetly check in on you. They slipped through the slightly ajar window, silently sensing your distress and heavy sighs.

You sat alone, enveloped in the suffocating embrace of your inner demons; your apartment dimly lit, and your heart heavy with the weight of your struggles. The room was filled with a haunting silence, only broken by the occasional distant sirens of the city.

When he finally landed on your balcony, and knocked gently, you were startled, not expecting him to actualy show up. Opening the balcony door, his wings cast a shadow over you. His usually confident demeanor was replaced with an air of solemnity.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, both surprised and touched by his presence.

He gave you a soft, sympathetic smile and stepped inside. "I read your message, and I couldn't just ignore it. You really thought I won't check upon you, songbird? Can I come in?"

Nodding, you led him to your living room, where you both settled on the couch. The weight of your troubles hung heavy in the air, and Hawks knew he needed to tread carefully. "I know this might be difficult," Hawks began gently, "but you don't have to carry this alone anymore. You can talk to me, whatever it might be about."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you finally allowed yourself to speak, the words spilling out like a dam breaking. You shared your anxiety, panic attacks, and the overwhelming sense of responsibility for your family's well-being.

Hawks listened intently, his red wings folding around you protectively as you poured out your heart. "You don't have to hide your pain. It's okay to be vulnerable."

"But what if they see me differently now since I moved out?" you whispered, fear lacing your voice. "What if they think I don't care about them anymore? What if they'll consider me weak if I tell them about my school?"

Hawks leaned closer, his feather-light touch soothing. "Strength isn't about never feeling weak. It's about facing your vulnerabilities and seeking support when you need it, even if you're a pro hero. And believe me, there's nothing weak about that. About the situation with your family - I'm sure they'll finally accept your decision about moving out. Give them time and with small gestures show them that you still care."

As you continued to talk, Hawks offered reassuring words, his presence a comforting anchor in the storm of your emotions. He spoke of his own struggles, sharing stories of the pressure and loneliness that came with being a hero. Hawks gently brushed his feathers against your cheek, a gesture filled with tenderness. "You're not alone in this, okay? I'll be here for you whenever you need me, and I'll support you through the tough times."

Tears streamed down your face as you gazed at him, grateful for his understanding. "Thank you, Keigo. I don't know what I would've done without you today."

He smiled softly, his golden eyes reflecting genuine care. "Anytime, kid. Remember, you've got wings of your own, and you can soar through anything."

[lazybutsmexy]

Emotional Support Bird Pt. 2

Pt.1 Pt. 3

Ghost x fem!reader (Canary) (x Soap but he's barely mentioned here)

Warnings: mention of injury, nightmares, panic attack

Summary: Ghost has a nightmare, and Canary an idea.

Word count: 600~

Canary stirred awake, her dream dissipating in the air as she blinked in the darkness of her barrack, wondering what woke her up. She stilled, only her chest moving up and down as she listened for any hint of a disturbance. 

Then she heard it again, a faint, almost drop-of-a-needle sound that came for the next barrack - Soap and Ghost's. She let her thoughts simmer for a minute before she remembered that Ghost was sleeping alone that night. 

Soap had been - very reluctantly - confined to a cot in the infirmary until his wound healed properly. The bullet had passed through him, too close to his lung for comfort, and the medics decided to keep him there and watch his oxygen intake just as a preventive measure. 

Another faint noise. It wasn't particularly unusual for Ghost to get nightmares - these came with the job, after all - but his were different, carrying a baggage of several years, of which she knew just bits and pieces of. 

Canary slid out from beneath her covers and shivered when her naked feet came in contact with the cold floor. She wrapped her arms around herself and stood up, sleepily shuffling towards the door and walking out as quietly as she could. 

Seconds later, she was inside his barrack and clicking the door shut behind her, which effectively woke Ghost up. Even when deep in the realm of dreams, his fighting instinct was strong, and sat up on the bed with a start, panting heavily as he stared at the intruder. Once he saw Canary's sleepy face, he relaxed only slightly, still panting hard. 

"Did- Did I wake you?" He managed to choke out, his throat felt dry and tight, giving him the feeling of drowning in the middle of a desert. 

"...Yeah," she mumbled, stepping closer to him and handing him a bottle of water, before sitting down on the edge of his bed, facing him, "but I don't mind."

"...sorry," he sighed. Canary watched him as he gulped down the water, his hands were twitching in unrest, his skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat, and his chest was still heaving up and down. 

"...lay down, Simon," she placed her hand on his chest, gently pushing to get her point across.

Ghost hesitated for only a few seconds before he did as he was told. He was still exhausted and his nerves were too fry-wired to think of anything. Following orders was easy enough. He left the bottle on his side table and laid down, watching her as she stood up. 

Carefully, Canary climbed fully under his blankets, straddling him with her legs on each side of his hips. Unsure of what she was trying to accomplish, Ghost kept his hands on his sides.

"...I'm- I'm not really in the mood for that right now, Birdy," he groaned, although he knew that if she insisted he wouldn't be able to resist. 

"I-... It's not that," she stammered, and Ghost could almost feel the heat in her face as she leaned closer to him, "I'm just doing my job." She huffed and pressed her chest flush against his, burying her face in his neck and pressing her hands against his chest, rubbing up to his shoulders and back down. 

Ghost began to relax under her touch and her weight on his chest. "...and what job is that?" 

"...guess," she mumbled against his neck, pressing her lips to his pulse and kissing softly, "now relax and go to sleep, we've still got a few hours before the morning call."

Ghost snorted a chuckle and settled down, not ignoring the fact that his breathing was slowing down and matching hers, and his hands had stopped trembling. One of his hands rested against her thigh, while the other settled on her back, keeping her secured against him. He pressed his cheek to the top of her head, inhaling her scent as a small smirk found its way to his lips. 

Johnny would flip his shit when he found out that this happened while he was in the infirmary. 

[disasterfandoms]

Don't Go Where I Can't Follow, Chapter Two || A Seal Team Story

A/N: This is Chapter two of the story that started this entire series: The Fix it! I will have the masterlist and the first chapter of the story linked! Reminder that this is set during/after the season 4 finale, and is based on the premise of Metal not dying. Pease note that I nor @bravo-four-seal-team are experts in medicine and therefore there are probably inconcistencies in this story.

TW: suicidal ideation, suicidal attempt. sex, pregnancy, vomit, alcohol use, description of medical procedures, death, near-death, code blue, domestic violence, PTSD, depression, anxiety, graphic language, mental abuse, hallucinations, blood, panic attacks, mention of miscarriage, mention of past abuse, mention of past injury, mention of disabilities, stalking, kidnapping, mention of ventilators, mention of comas, mention of past abuse, mention of stillborns, mention of rape, rape, mentions of gags/bondage.

AO3 Series Masterlist

Chapter 1

It was easy for her to run, she could get away from her thoughts for a while, forget about the emotions, just focus on breathing, where she was going, how she held herself, she just kept moving. They all had their own ways of coping and processing the day, running for her allowed her to escape from everything. 

She was tempted to drop Adonis back to Amelia and then just go back to base, work on the things she needed to do, but she knew that would never happen, knew Amelia would be on her ass if she decided to up and vanish, like she had done multiple times when things got tough. 

She slowed down, checking her watch and seeing the time, she’d stay out for another hour, sitting on the grass she huffed, getting the water bottle she had picked up and a collapsible bowl, popping it open then filling it so the german shepherd could drink. She never took her phone with her, it was still sitting on the table at Amelia and Trent’s place, she really wished she was overseas, least she would be able to focus and keep busy, no one would complain if she didn’t eat, there were times when they couldn’t, and they could only have protein bars, which she hated, but would eat. 

The Marine soon stood up, starting at an easy pace, before picking up speed and running with Adonis back home, well back to Amelia’s. She hated having to stay at hers, always feeling like she was just getting in the way of things. Eventually, she did get back, removing Adonis’ leash and letting him inside, she followed behind, the house was dark and quiet, so she would keep quiet as well, moving silently, locking the door and moving to get water. She was now exhausted, so sleep would hopefully come easily to her. 

“How was your run? Hi Donnie! Hi baby, you have fun? Hmm? Gonna sleep with me tonight? T’s gonna kill us when we comes back, isn’t he?” She would have laughed, seeing Ash jump a foot in the air, had the face mask she put on after her shower allowed her to.

Ash would never admit that Amelia caught her off guard, but she jumped and felt her heart rate skyrocket "the run was good, Adonis was an absolute angel, I'm gonna turn in for the night" she says "I'll need to go to...the store get things in the fridge for when they return." She speaks quietly "How was your call?" She asked as she took a drink of water. As much as she wanted to toss back a glass or two of whiskey, she couldn't, she hadn't eaten, but she also was cutting down on how much she drank "You should be in bed Ames"

“Donnie’s always a good boy, aren’t you?” Adonis barked in response, his tail wagging. Amelia nodded, and he ran upstairs to her bed, jumping on where Trent usually slept and waited. 

“Call was good, Scott was asleep, Trent looked exhausted. And it’s only… 8:30. I’m gonna have a cup of tea and work on the schematic and some ideas on trying to convince Trent on turning the formal dining room, which we don’t use, into a playroom for Willow, a place to keep all the toys her auntie Ash, Uncle Scot-Scot, and her grandparents keep supplying.” She said, poking fun at how they love to spoil her daughter.

The young woman grinned slightly, she had a habit of coming back from wherever she had been deployed to with toys and clothes. 

"Well," she says "You enjoy your tea, but I'm gonna go to sleep." Really she just couldn't continue to stay awake, letting the worry eat at her, it had gotten to the point of the feeling of being hungry and gone, the water she had drunk was the only thing she had since being told about Metal.

"Enjoy your evening Amelia" she smiled to her sister-in-law before moving to the guest room.

“Night Ash, come get me if you need me,” Amelia told the young woman, but in the back of her mind she knew Ashley would rather suffer and die than as for help. She sighed, grabbing a mug and filling it up, before heading back upstairs to Adonis and her laptop, enjoying the time alone. 

——————————————————————

Downside of sleeping on a ship, you could hear every little noise. Voices would bounce around and stop people, the crew from getting a decent sleep. 

Metal was being woken and checked on by  medical staff, which he wasn't too pleased about, however they were beginning to prepare for transport off the ship and to a plane.

The rest of Bravo had been woken and told to go pack their gear and get sorted out. There was still some tension between Clay and Sonny, which wasn't helping matters "Think he regrets his words?" Clay asked. 

"Who?" 

"Metal" Sonny added, looking over, to the others "you know 'Chernobyl of fun' from where I'm standing none of it was fun" the Texan said as he zipped his bag closed.  

Clay nodding "Pretty sure he jinxed himself" he sighed 

Jason rolled his eyes "Yeah well someone still owes him a case of beer." The others stopping and looking at Clay and Jason "Clay did the needle decompression" Bravo one informed "First time" 

"Thought I was out of firsts" Clay smirked. Trent during this time had kept quiet "How's the family holding up?" Brock asked. Drawing the attention to Trent who still looked exhausted. 

"Amelia is trying to hold it together, Ashley I'm pretty sure is on her way to a breakdown, someone else talk to that stubborn ass of a man about calling his family" Trent huffed. 

"I'll give it a shot, but I make no promises I'll get anywhere" Jason states, Soto appearing in the doorway "Be ready to go, got word that they're sending a bird for us in the next hour." He informed them. 

The team all relaxed knowing that they were getting out and away from the ship and never needed to be on one again for a long time. "Hey Brock" Sonny smirked "You still gotta tell Metal about the fun he missed out on" 

The team laughed, while the dog handler did not look too impressed to be the one to speak up and say something.

——————————

After Jason finally got all his stuff packed away, he made his way down to Medbay to see his brother. Jason, deep down, feels like shit that Metal got injured saving his and Clay’s asses from the RPG. Metal is his teammate now, he felt the need to protect him as such. It always hurts a little to go down and see him, just because, god, he must be in agony from the wounds he suffered. 

Jason walked into Medbay, finding Metal being poked and prodded by the nurses, trying to make sure he’s safe and stable for transport. He had to laugh at the sight, Metal looked terrified of needles. 

“Don’t.” Metal growled, then smiled politely at the nursing staff who seemed a bit afraid of him. 

That caused Jason to double over in laughter. “I-I’m sorry, Metal, but you’re afraid of needles?”

“Always have been. Pain in the ass to give vaccines to. Why are you here when they’re loading us all up on the same aircraft?”

“Trent asked someone to get it through your skull to call your family.”

Metal groaned, shaking his head. He didn’t want to talk to anyone yet, he’d rather just wait until they were all stateside and they could just see it for themselves. “Not happening, Hayes.”

“Why the hell not? Just send an email to the both of them saying you’re fine, you love them, and you’ll see them at the tarmac.” Jason huffed, putting his hands on his hips. He didn’t understand why Metal was being so damn stubborn about this. 

“Dammit, Jason. Not ready to talk to anyone about any of it, and I know my family. They won’t leave it alone.” Metal said, angry at the injuries, at his sister’s stubbornness. 

“They’re worried about you, Metal. Trent’s worried about all of you. Tell them you don’t want asked anything, not yet.”

Metal scoffed, “Yeah, like that’ll work. You met Amelia? Ashley? They’re both equally as annoyingly good at making someone talk.”

It hit Jason what might actually be wrong with Metal, why he won’t talk to his family. “You’re worried you won’t operate again. Is that it?”

“Hayes I swear to god, leave it alone.” Metal said menacingly, and it would have worked if he was able to do anything.

Jason just shook his head, and sighed, “Scott, send them the email. You’re alive, they don’t expect you to be 100%. Ashley, who I know you love, is going through some rough shit because you won’t talk to her.”

Metal sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to get the headache to go away. He finally resigned to emailing them, nodding, and shooing Jason away before everyone gets yelled at. He then sends an email to both Amelia and Ashley, before shutting down his laptop and pulling out his book again. 

This was gonna be a long flight home.

——————————————————————

The time it took from the ship to land, to board the plane, was already hell, especially for Metal since both Clay and Sonny had begun to quote things at him, Trent silently watching from where he sat, offering no help to his friend at all. 

They had 6 hours in the air, before they landed home. 

Trent just hoped both Clay and Sonny realised that Metal could probably kill them with the book he was holding, and was trying to finish. “Bet you totally regret the fun meter idea” Sonny grinned, Clay nodding “Got jinxed man” 

“If you like living you’ll leave me alone” Metal responded, trying to focus on the page he was re-reading for the 8th time. Trent sighed “Clay, Sonny, I got watch go sleep” he suggested, no one argued, both SEALs moving towards where they had set up so they could sleep. 

“Don’t start” Metal warned, Trent raised an eyebrow “Don’t start what? I’m sitting here keeping an eye on you” he responded, almost challenging his friend to make an excuse about what he thought he was doing. 

“You sent Jase to talk to me about emailing the girls” Metal frowned “I told you I would do it when I was ready” 

“When would that be? Once you got to a hospital stateside, where, you’d deny them entry for visiting? Or maybe you plan on shutting them out fully? You do realise your gonna be stuck with them, if it wasn’t Jason, I can guarantee, Amelia would have called Blackburn to order you to make contact” 

The look on his friend's face was enough to tell him that he got off lightly with Jason talking to him “I think you’d prefer Amelia and Ashley checking on you, rather than these guys pestering you.” he said, leaning back and crossing his arms “Won’t be long until you have to deal with Amelia worrying, she’ll be at the tarmac, your girlfriend however is gonna wait until your settled in hospital to check on you. Get some sleep.” Trent stated, removing the book from Metal’s hands. 

The unimpressed look Metal shot Trent spoke a thousand words,but Trent really didn't care at this point.

______________________________________________

4:30 AM. 

She’s going to kill Trent for making this her normal. Here she was, though, wide awake before dawn, Adonis sleeping peacefully where her husband should be laying. She gives him the lightest kiss on the head, and petted him a little bit before getting up to start the day. 

She first checks on her daughter, making sure she was okay before going downstairs and starting a pot of coffee, considering what to do for food since Ashley has takeout from the night before. She also needs to go to the store, get Trent some of his favorites before he comes home, it helps him get back to normal faster after a deployment. Amelia gets a cup of coffee, sits down at the bar and opens her laptop, checking her email. 

She’s received two of importance: one from Trent, saying they were on their way home and should be there by noon; and the other from Scott. She quickly opens the email from her big brother, which reads: 

“Mellie,

You need to stop worrying about me. I’m okay! As long as they have me drugged up, I can barely feel any of it. You probably just rolled your eyes at that, and if so, then mission accomplished. 

Take care of Ashley for me while I’m stuck on this godforsaken ship, and while I’m laid up in the hospital stateside. She’ll never admit it to me, but she’s probably terrified, unnecessarily so. 

Also, where the hell have my Willow pictures and videos?!? Thought you promised me at least one video and one picture a day of my little Willow tree. Yes I still call her that, and yes it’s still hilarious to me you named her after a tree. 

Most of all: Take care of yourself while I’m trapped. Know this stuff is never easy on you, even though you hide it well. Lean on your husband, dammit, it’s what he’s there for. Well, when he is there. 

Love you, stop worrying. 

Scotty.”

Amelia’s eyes couldn’t contain her tears as she read the email, she’s been trying to keep it together since she found out, but hearing from him broke the dam. She let them fall for a few minutes, everyone was  still asleep upstairs and she didn’t need to be strong for anyone in that moment. After that, though, she wiped up those tears and went on when her morning, drinking coffee and reading the news, making a grocery list, and then getting ready to get her daughter’s morning started after she got dressed.

————————

She was never a fan of sleeping, it's always been that way, she would nap here and there, 20-40 minutes each time. 

One thing that she hated was not knowing, she preferred having a plan, routine, so by 5am she was up, bed straightened, made to military standard like how she was taught. She began with push ups, which changed to sit ups then squats. 

She would need to eat something, so she reached for her uniform pulling out one of many protein bars she carried, opening then eating it. 

Why did they all taste like paper?

Grabbing paper from her notebook she carried she wrote down things she needed to do. 

She grabbed her toothbrush from her bag sighing slightly, she was supposed to be deploying in 24 hours, now she wasn't. Going to the guest shower room, she turned the tap on, brushing her teeth, once that was down, she grabbed a quick shower, dressed in what she had, plain sandy colour t-shirt and cargo pants, tying her hair into a bun out her face. Then pulled on her boots and headed downstairs. 

Second thing on the list, make sure Amelia was ok, see if she needed anything picked up "Morning Amelia" she said when she saw her friend "I'm gonna head out, gotta feed that kids, Void got into the main container again" she says showing her the video alert she got from the feeder "You ok?" She frowned, looking at her friend "You've been crying" she states worried, watching the woman Infront of her "Trent and Scott ok?" 

Seeing her friend nod, she raised and eyebrow "So why were you crying, don't give me that look" she warns "I know you, and know what your look when you've been in tears"

“It’s nothing, I’m fine Ash. Seriously, nothing’s wrong. Got an email from Trent, they’re on their way home, said something about them touching down at noon,” Amelia says, smiling. She’s omitting Scott’s email purposely, she doesn’t want Ash to feel like something is wrong with their relationship on purpose if he for some godforsaken reason didn’t email his girlfriend too.

Ashley shrugged "Alright, you need anything picked up? I'm gonna head out, gotta drop something at base, sort out the cat feeder, actually probably replace it, then head to the store,”  she says. 

The marine leant against the wall, checking the time "I logged out of the email account, pretty sure sitting refreshing that app was not helping my sanity." She smiles slightly, clearing her throat "Better crack on with the day. See if I can get my co to let me cover any training session while I'm stateside" she hums, picking up her keys "If you need anything call or text me, I can pick up a few things to save you rushing about"

Amelia smiled, “I’m making my grocery list now, Trent has a rough time readjusting so I try and accommodate by getting his favorites for him. Me and Willa-loo are going when they open, then it’s just a matter of getting her ready to see her Dad in person for the first time in two months. He told me last night he’s worried she’ll think he’s a stranger.” Amelia chuckled, then continued, “Hey Ash? … check your email.”

“Willow will be so happy to see Trent” Ashley grinned, glancing at the time “I will check later, once I sorted out a few things required to do” she hummed. “If you need anything, let me know, I’ll see you later at some point. Gonna be a while at Base” she huffed, walking towards the front door.

“I know that, but he’s not convinced. Bye Ash, read your email and i’ll see you at the hospital later.” Ameli said, waving goodbye to her friend and getting on with her day, starting with taking Adonis out and then getting the baby’s outfit picked out.

______________________________

Time passed quickly, and soon everyone found themselves back on home soil, the team made sure Metal was safely off the plane, jokes being shared, the team laughing and smiling, promise to visit Metal when they could, of course he did not support that idea and wanted to be left alone and not be disturbed, as Medics took over the transport to the ambulance. 

Blackburn bringing Amelia and Willow over to their family, knowing that Amelia would settle better once she had eyes on her older brother, the commander of DEVGRU looking to Bravo, congratulating them on a job well done, telling everyone to go home, while he made sure everyone had downtime until they were needed again. 

Trent grinning as he saw his wife, and his daughter, who had grown since the last time he saw her.  The rest of the team moved to their own families, but told the little family to call them, if they needed anything. 

It was always like that, when someone was hurt, or it was a fresh relationship or newborn, everyone jumped in to offer a helping hand, it was always like that. 

“Hey sailor, how was your flight?” Amelia asked, laughing as Trent dropped his bag and barreled into them, giving her possibly the biggest hug she’s ever gotten in her life. 

“Fine, full of people annoying Scott while he tried to read. Hi sunshine! Can I hold?” He asked their daughter, making a “come here” motion with his hands. He was incredibly relieved when she moved her grip off of Amelia and reached for him instead. 

“Think someone missed her Daddy as much as I did.” Amelia smiled, hugging Trent on one side while Willow was happily kicking her feet, looking around the tarmac. She waved at Scott, before removing herself from Trent and walking over to him. Trent nodded at her to go, he knew she needed to see him and he was happy to just be holding his daughter. 

Holy shit, she’s grown so much since he last saw her. 

Amelia didn’t take long with Scott, just gently hugging him and telling him she’s glad he’s alive, before she nodded to the paramedics that they can take him.  She watched them be wheeled away, before walking back to her family, beyond happy her husband was home, was safe. 

“You ready to go, love?” She asked Trent, whose entire focus was on Willow, talking to her about how big she’s gotten. 

“Yeah, can we stop by the house, let me shower and change before we go?” He asked, moving to the side of the vehicle with the car seat, putting Willow in and making sure she’s secured. 

“Yeah of course. Probably easier if we let her have her morning nap at home, let her eat lunch and then leave. Gonna text Ash, tell her he’s on his way to the hospital and we’ll be there around one.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Hey, T?”

“Yeah honey?”

“I love you, and I’m glad you’re home.”

“I love you too.”

---------------------

The second Amelia text her, she grabbed the things she knew would be needed for Metals hospital stay. It took an hour to get to the hospital.

It then took her a while to actually go into the hospital, she mostly just sat staring at the building, god she hated these places, she waited for a while so she was sure that Scott was by now in his room, probably complaining, maybe sleeping, most likely reading. 

Asking for the information, and sharing her relation to him, she made her way to the ward and then the room, taking a breath, waiting until the nurses and doctors left the room. Knocking on the door and smiling slightly “Hey” she whispered “I brought you, well things I guess you’ll need” she says, holding the bag up. 

She was surprised when he closed the book, and set it down “Have you even slept?” he asks, raising an eyebrow, Ash rolled her eyes, setting the bag down on the chair next to the bed “Few hours here and there, how are you holding up?” she asked. 

“Surviving, in a shit load of pain, but I'm alive” Metal responded, reaching out and taking Ashleys hand “Stop worrying.” 

“Oh please. We both know that I won't quit worrying about you, just like you worry about me” Ashley tuts “You know that talk.” she smirks, seeing the look of confusion cross his face “Something along the lines of, you can be heroic, but you need to deal with the consequences?” she states. 

“Ashley, don’ start” he warns, but Ashley laughed “Like I would, as much as I love you, and your need to look after the team, I need you to get better, then I’ll rip you a new one for freaking me, right, Ames says she and T will be here at one, but...I gotta bounce, finish sorting things out, but I will be back, you play nice” 

“I'm always nice”

“Only when you want to be, get some sleep.”

“You too Ashley” 

“Eh I’ll sleep when your home” 

______________________________________________________________

Coming home was always weird for Trent. He tried to spend his deployment completely focused on the present, trusting Amelia has the home front settled, so he can enjoy himself if he can and focus on getting home safely. 

That focus, however, comes with a price when he comes home. Everytime he walks through the door, for the first couple weeks, he feels like a stranger and a guest, all at the same time. Doesn’t matter the state of the deployment, home never feels like home until he gets situated again. 

This deployment is no different. Walking into the house feels foreign to him, especially since this was the first time he’s been gone for more than a week since Willow was born. Even though Amelia had cleaned before they picked him up, he still saw the toys, the playpen, not that he minded, helped him to know life went on while he was gone. 

Still, feels a little weird. 

He put his bag down in the entryway, immediately going upstairs to shower, scrub his skin raw, try to was off the stench of the ship, the memories burned into his brain. His mind kept skipping to the last mission, seeing Brock struggle with the terrorist while Ray froze. Then when he froze again in the field, only this time it was both Ray and himself in trouble. He tried to push it out of his mind, he was safe at home, with his wife and daughter. He wouldn’t be able to, though, not for a little while. 

After a while he gets out, changes into clothes that aren’t his uniform, and heads back downstairs, petting Adonis when he sees him. Amelia’s in the kitchen, the baby on her hip, making a bottle. He comes up behind them, putting one arm around Amelia’s waist and digging his face into the crook of her neck. 

“I’ll feed her, go take care of yourself,” Trent offered, letting go and backing up a few steps, letting Amelia turn around. Amelia nods, smiling and leaning her hip with Willow on it towards him, letting him grab her. She gave him the bottle once it was ready, and he went to sit on the couch, propping his feet up, laying Willow down and giving her the bottle. God she’s grown up on him, he couldn’t believe that in just two months she’s as big and strong as she's gotten. 

“I’m, uh, gonna go on a run with Adonis. He got a good one in with Ash last night but it’s been a while since it’s just been the two of us,” Amelia smiled, leaning on the doorframe, her arms crossed, Adonis’s leash in her hand. 

“Go, I got her. Gonna get some snuggling in with Willow and watch something. Have fun, and be careful.”

“We will, won’t we Donnie? Yeah? Ready to go? C’mon! Be back in like an hour.” Amelia smiled, clipping the lease to the German Shepherd and walking out the door.

Trent looked down at his daughter, her bright eyes staring back up at him. Seeing her just instantly puts a smile on his face. He tickles her leg, his fingers going up her side, then pinched her cheeks, causing her to giggle. 

Yeah, he could get used to this.

——————————————————————

Ashley had returned to the hospital, but never went in Metals room, standing watching him read, she was just glad he was relaxed. 

She kept out the way while staff checked on him, letting out a sigh, she moved forward, knocking once again on the door then entering when he looked over "Forgot how fast you get through books" she states leaning against the wall, allowing the nurse the room to move around and do the checks, the marine couldn't tell you what was being checked, all she knew was, her boyfriend was trying to hide the pain "Could he get painkillers or something? He won't ask, he's too stubborn" she grinned. 

Moving to sit down, making sure not to knock the side of the bed. "So, other than, these lovely injuries deployment go ok?" She asked 

"Was slow, boring, Brock got sea sick, Trent decided to research, think it was scurvy?" 

"...Brock got sea sick and he's in the Navy…" she blinked, smirking slightly "Course Trent was more worried about some weird sickness...I swear I thought he was the sane one in the family" seeing the small smile she got from the man. "Heard you managed to create a fight club and take down all of Bravo" 

The injured man chuckled "You'd think they'd know they can't beat me" he said, setting the book down "took the rest of them to tackle me down, somehow turned to the Bravo pile" 

"You get to fight Hayes? If not I want front row seats"

She was happy that Metal was talking to the, though she could see the energy leaving, while sleep tried to take hold. "Babe, rest up, it'll help the pain, when you wake up, I'll be here ok?" She said quietly, watching him nod slowly "Good, gotta get rest before your friends come crashing your peace" she hummed while she watched as the man fell asleep. 

Leaning back in her chair letting out a breath, and closing her eyes, counting to ten before going on her phone and researching some things.

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

BUBBLES!!!! it's me again hiiiii 🥰 okay just going back to what I sent yesterday and develop the whole 'aftermath' of you getting hurt

before that I remembered something that I was going to write but didn't so: when Joel gets home to change, he takes Ellie with him and drops her off. But before leaving again, he goes to her, tells her she should stay at Maria and Tommy's because he doesn't want her to stay alone. Ellie doesn't feel like being around other people, she's so shaken she just...can't even fake functioning normally. She asks Joel if she can stay with him and with you and although he wants to say no (because she needs to sleep, etc...) he knows leaving her alone at home will do no good. They both put on some fresh clothes, go back to the 'hospital'. Tommy stays with them for a while until Joel's like "go home, we'll be alright" and leaves Joel and Ellie with you. They don't really talk, Joel holds your hand firmly and keeps it close to his lips and Ellie just sit next to him, watching your chest rise up and down. "She's going to be okay, right, Joel?" she finally asks Joel looks at her— poor girl is exhausted, her eyes are red and heavy and he can't ignore the tremor in her voice. He wants to tell her that all is well, you'll wake up and it will go back to normal but truth is, he doesn't know. A billion things could go wrong. But the protector—the father—inside of him puts on a brave face. He tells her that you'll be okay, you just need a lot of rest. Ellie watches for any sign showing he might lie to her and when she can't find any, she just lets her head fall on Joel's shoulder. Joel covers her small body with his own jacket and spends the rest of the night watching over his girls.

Okay that's what I wanted to change and now, the rest (I'll try to make this more concise lol) - ellie jumps in your arm as soon as you're awake and only lets go when you wince because she squeezed you too hard - Joel is also relieved but he kinda keeps his distance. I'm not saying he's cold or anything but he's just very careful because he doesn't want to hurt you - you get discharged quickly and you're forbidden from patrol, work, anything for the next few weeks - everything hurts btw, you can't walk, eat, shower, do anything alone and even breathing is incredibly difficult but don't worry, Joel isn't letting you - honestly if he could breathe for you, he would - he changes your bandage every single day after/before his patrol, makes you food (or kindly feed you the food Maria makes), helps you shower, helps you get dressed and does your hair - yes, he does your hair - i have a thing for that so allow me to discuss it a bit more: he takes the time to brush your hair and braid them so you don't wake up with messy hair like you hate - how does he know? well being a single father to a tiny little girl taught him a lot of things including braiding - so he takes the time at night, even if he's exhausted from the day he had and he always leaves little kisses on your cheek and shoulders - speaking of physical affection: the man will not let you go - he's either holding your hand when you take a small walk or he carries to bed or he has a hand on the small of your back or he's kissing you or, or ,or he just can't be more than a foot away from you - it's pretty normal considering he almost lost you but yeah, don't expect to have any form of personal space for a long time (and I'm not saying this as a bad thing) - he's also worried all. the. time. - the ptsd he has? skyrocketed to the freaking stars - he has nightmares almost all the time, his panic attacks gets even worse than before and it breaks your heart to see him worry over you like that - truth is, he can't help feeling guilty because again, you got hurt and he wasn't there to save you - of course, there was nothing he could have done and it was not his fault AT ALL but in Joel's mind you and Ellie can't be hurt in any way, he has to shield you from any sort of pain - sometimes after a nightmare, you don't wake up and he just starts panicking and he checking your injury, making sure you're not bleeding out or something, making sure you're still breathing - when you do wake up, you let him rest his head on your chest so he can listen to your heartbeat - he really has a hard time with 'failing to protect you' but you remind every day that it's not his fault and he did everything he could (which is far more than enough) - ellie is insanely worried about you as well - whenever Joel goes on patrol and she doesn't have school or anything to do in the morning, she crawls into your bed and lays with you for a few hours - you're really everything to her (with Joel) and she got so scared that she would lose you as well - she handled a lot of loss before but she knew she wouldn't be able to handle losing you all in all, they love you so much they would literally prefer get impaled themselves than see you in pain and you love them just as much and I have no idea how to end this so yeah, love <3

-🪷

No, because I love this. Because this is their worst nightmare. You are the glue that keeps everything together. You are there with them for a reason and they love you, love you so much. And it's so traumatic, so real, too real. Because if you die what will they do. Of course they would pick one another up but it would be so hard.

So they cherish every single of your breath now. It's a miracle you are here and that you are alive. So they are giving their all until they are breaking apart but then they just lay there with you and that's all it takes to keep them going.

I loved this! I loved everything about this! Perfection, baby!🥺🥺

[yeahyankee]

Palimpsest [Trigun '98 - Post Show - Vash x Meryl]

There are days, here and there, when Meryl wakes up, and there is a well of tears, sealing her eyes shut. There will be the promise of a migraine later.

But for now, her face is wet. The memory is so fresh sometimes, on that cusp of sleep and waking up-- that she can smell the deep canyon dust and nightfall. She can remember the feeling of dangling her legs off the cliffside, a million separate stars above her.

Her hand, so close to his on the ground, that she could reach over and grab it. But instead, they simply sat, on a precipice above an out-of the-way town where no one would ever look for them.

You could stay here as long as you like.

That sounds good--he said, what seemed like a million years ago--Might not be such a bad idea.

There were so many mornings that started hard this way. Her body pulled away from the one moment she wanted to linger in the most.

On those days, she'd roll over on her bed and cry as quietly as possible until first light peered through her slatted window.

Milly had the good grace, thank heavens, to give her some extra time to get herself together.

Today, Meryl couldn't battle the puffiness of her eyes, so she smoothed her hair down and splashed her face with ice water from the basin.

She dabbed a washrag rag along her jaw, her chest, the inside of her arms.

The cool trickle of water on her chest evened out her heartbeat. Slowly, her body started to calm, her senses returning to the present.

I'm awake, I'm here, I've got important work that needs to be done.

Meryl went through the mantra again, tapping the tips of her fingers against the bones in her ribcage, just like Milly had shown her how to do when she felt a panic attack coming on.

She tried to push her body out of the exhausted anxiety she'd woken up with. She didn't have time for this.

All of that was years ago, and they had a major breakthrough coming down the pipeline on the Frangelene Twin disappearances. Her biggest concern right now was following up on ledes in town before their editor started sending in apoplectic telegrams.

Meryl bit back a sigh as she buttoned up the toggles on her coat. If she thought insurance management was grating--she was seriously underprepared for journalism, and the type of sleepless, deranged personalities that tended to bring out.

She slipped into her boots and dreamed of crawling back under the sheets, waiting until this case, and the impending dust storm had blown over. Maybe she and Milly could go back to the country and wait tables in some honky-tonk, and never have to worry about anything past their front door ever again.

She pulled her bedroom door open and heard Milly fiddling with the radio downstairs. The speakers jumped between snatched voices coming in choppily off the airwaves.

Sources--last actual sandstorm this large--area was approximately five years ago. Officials adivise all residents to--inside--as possible--

"Gosh, I really am sorry, I thought we'd get better reception than this," Milly apologized, and there was a clatter of movement and a light dragging of furniture.

A voice answered her, but she couldn't make out who, or what was being said.

Her forehead furrowed, making her way quietly downstairs. Who was visiting this early in the morning? On the eve of a sandstorm?

"I really thought she'd be up by now," Milly continued, moving around the room, "Her porridge is going to get cold."

"Oh well I'm always happy to have another helping, that sure was delicious Miss Milly," the voice answered.

Meryl's heart skipped a beat as she quietly padded towards the kitchen. She was imagining things. Stress playing tricks on her. It had been years, and truth be told, it was easy to forget a voice. Easy enough to hear what you wanted to hear.

She pushed through the kitchen door, readying herself for another random grifter she'd have to shoo off, or the postman with an irate letter from the home office.

Instead, Vash the Stampede sat casually at the end of the kitchen table, pouring himself coffee. The early morning light coming through the kitchen window was red-orange, the storm only a few miles off from town.

Vash's coat was folded politely over the back of the chair, and he sat, facing the kitchen door with his coffee cup, like he was waiting.

For her to come downstairs.

"Look who I found at the market this morning," Milly said brightly, pouring Meryl a cup of coffee.

"Mr. Vash," Meryl managed, trying not to feel like she was dreaming again. Out of place and time.

"Hey Meryl," he smiled, his eyes a warm, honeyed blue. There was overgrown scruff along his jaw, but he looked otherwise unchanged.

His smile was so warm as she sat down that she didn't have time to register his informality. After a small sip of coffee, she paused. How many times had he called her by just her name?

Milly put a warmed plate of thick-cut bacon onto the table. Meryl's favorite. She felt a bribe coming on.

"Mr. Vash came into town a bit later than expected by steamer, and it looks like all the rooms in town are booked up." She sat down and finished up her own remnants of breakfast. "I told him it'd be no problem if he stays with us while the storm passed through tonight."

"Oh really?" Meryl swallowed it all down, in between bits of bacon.

"Yep, we've got an extra room, and I figured it's no skin off our nose," she replied.

Meryl's eyes slid back over to Vash, who was already beginning to pout, looking hopefully at her.

She sighed, pulling another piece of bacon onto her plate. A concession. "Fine. As long as we still manage to send back some eyewitness reports before this weekend. No distractions until then."

Milly clapped her hands together in delight.

"Yes ma'am!" Vash saluted, before digging into the remainder of the bacon.

[nar-nia]

finding a friend boyfriend whatever this is

word count: 5k

warnings: fear of heights, panic attacks

~~~

"Please?"

"No. We already played it yesterday, I don't want to."

"But-"

"I said no."

With a huff you turned away from your sister, arms folded in front of your chest. This was not fun. Wasn't the whole point of a vacation in a hotel with a pool to pretend to be a mermaid in said pool? It certainly was what you had been looking forward to in those past few weeks. And now, on the third day, no one wanted to play with you anymore. 'I swallowed too much water', 'it's too exhausting' or 'I always have to be the evil mermaid' were just a few of the many excuses your two sisters had told you, and to be honest you started to feel annoyed. You joined every shopping trip they had planned, so why couldn't they play with you in the pool instead? It really wasn't too much to ask.

You were splashing around a bit, boredom taking over, when you spotted a guy around your age at the other side of the pool. He seemed to be bored too, jumping in from the sideline before lying on his back for a few minutes, when he started again. Maybe you could… no. You couldn't just ask a stranger to play mermaid with you. Especially a guy, that would be so embarrassing. But on the other hand… you were bored, he seemed to be bored, and he didn't know you. If he said no you just had to stay inside for the rest of your vacation and you'd never see him again. You took a deep breath, before you made up your mind and swam towards him.

"Hey," you said shyly, shielding your eyes from the sun.

"Hey!" he grinned back, seemingly delighted that someone decided to talk to him.

"Uhm… I was wondering if you wanted to play with me?"

"Sure!" His smile got even bigger. "What do you want to play?"

You felt heat rising to your cheeks. Now you actually did feel a bit embarrassed. "Uhm…mermaid?"

"Mermaid?" He looked at you like you were insane, and in that moment you would have preferred to dive down and never come up again. You shouldn't have asked, now you really needed to hide in your hotel room. Why did you ask?

"What does that mean?"

Oh. Maybe he didn't think that you were insane at all. Maybe he was just confused.

"Hm… actually just that we swim underwater like mermaids. Oh, we could race each other?"

"A race!" His eyes started to shine. "I'm in."

You nodded excitedly. "Okay, but you need to swim like a mermaid! Here, let me show you."

He was watching you with a grin, while you were demonstrating all the moves. You had to admit that you felt a bit dumb, but it didn't really seem like he made fun of you. Or well, you hoped he didn't make fun of you. When you came back up to the surface he was still looking at you, his hand rubbing around his neck.

"It does look a bit weird, doesn't it?"

The corners of your mouth instantly moved downwards, disappointment evident in your features. "I mean you don't have to… it was just an idea."

"You said we could do a race, right? How about a race to decide who's faster? You try your… mermaid method and I swim normally. And whoever wins gets to decide the swimming style."

That sounded better already. You smiled again, looking up at him. "Deal."

You would like to say that you were not surprised that you won, but the guy was incredibly fast. Still, he couldn't compete with you at all, which was why he was currently trying not to drown while swimming like a mermaid.

"I mean the whole point is-" You jumped backwards to escape his hands that were just splashing water everywhere - "the whole point is to be underwater, so I don't know why you're trying to stay above it."

"It just feels weird, okay? I can't swim like that."

"You're not supposed to swim, you're supposed to dive. Just try it, it will feel way more natural."

He nodded, taking one last breath before diving down. You on the other hand pushed yourself out of the water and sat down at the edge of the pool. A wise decision, because only seconds later the guy's feet were above the water, splashing even more water around than his arms before.

"You need to dive deeper!" you shouted, hoping that he could hear you. And it seemed like he could, because his feet slowly moved downwards again and you could see him swimming right above the bottom. It looked way better now, and you dared to get close to him again, a broad grin on both of your faces when he came back up.

"Okay, maybe it is fun."

"I told you so! Do you want another race?"

"Sure!"

You spent the rest of the evening racing each other, and by the time your mother called you for dinner you were almost even.

"Surprisingly I had a lot of fun today," he smiled at you, his eyes searching for yours.

"Me too! I-"

"Y/n? Are you coming?"

"One second, mum! I really appreciated you playing with me."

"Maybe we can-"

"Y/n, now!"

"I'm sorry, I have to-"

"Y/n!"

Your mum appeared next to you, grabbing your arm and pulling you behind her.

"Wait, will you be here tommo-" You thought you had seen him nod, but then you were already around a corner, voice fading with the wind.

"There's no need to sulk. I called you four times today."

You didn't react, your eyes glaring at the food on your table instead. She could have given you one more minute. You didn't even get to ask for his name!

"You know how it is, mum. Young love…"

"I'm not in love with him," you hissed, your eyes now glaring at your sister. "He was nice to me, contrary to you."

"I'm sure you'll see him again tomorrow. And no fights during dinner."

But that was the problem, wasn't it? You didn't know if you would see him again tomorrow. You didn't know if he would still be here or if he might have gone home already. You knew nothing.

"Y/n."

"I'm not hungry anymore."

"Can we have at least one peaceful meal?" Your mothers voice became quieter as you left the little restaurant in the corner of your hotel to get back to your room. They didn't understand. You weren't upset that you had to go to dinner. You were upset because after so many years you had finally found someone who was nice to you, who might become your friend and enjoy your company, and then you couldn't even make sure that you two would see each other again. You were usually the odd one out, both with your sisters and with other people your age. In contrast to them you had a hard time finding new friends, no matter how hard you tried. So someone willing to talk and play with you? It was special.

When you entered the hallway to your room you were so deep in thought that you didn't notice the person in front of you, running right into them.

"Oops, sorry," you mumbled, your eyes moving up to look at the person. Higher and higher, until you reached his face -

"You!" It was the guy from the pool. You hadn't even noticed how much of a giant he was when you were both swimming, but now you had to crane your neck to really look at him. You took a step backwards, reciprocating the smile on his face.

"Me," he grinned. He almost seemed to be happy to see you again. "We didn't really get to say goodbye earlier."

"Yeah, sorry about my mum. I actually wanted to ask if we would see each other again tomorrow?"

"Sure! I had a lot of fun today."

You nodded, suddenly feeling nervous. You never really came that far with holiday friendships. What was supposed to come next? Do you just say bye or…

"Tomorrow morning? The pool is still empty at that time."

"Sounds perfect."

Now it was his turn to nod. "Well… this is my room."

You smiled at each other, a nervous silence filling the hallway. He looked at you before turning around, opening the door to his room.

"Oh, wait!" Your shout made him freeze, his head snapping towards you. "Your name?"

"Aah. I'm Riki!"

"Nice to meet you, Riki. I'm y/n."

He smiled again. "Goodnight, y/n."

"Goodnight! I'll see you tomorrow."

When you walked towards your room you already felt better. Riki. The name suited him. And you would see him again tomorrow! You couldn't stop the grin on your face: you finally made a friend.

"I'm glad to see you're in a better mood today." You just nodded at your mother's words. An answer would just cause another discussion, and you already had a lot of them last night. Plus nothing could ruin your mood today, because in exactly 54 minutes you would see Riki again, as a glance at the clock confirmed. You didn't really know yourself why you felt so giddy when you thought about it, but you blamed the fact that you usually had to spend holidays alone. This was new for you. As soon as the clock showed that you had 15 minutes left you jumped up from the table, ignoring your mother's demand to help with the dishes, and ran to your room to get ready. 5 minutes before your meeting you were on your way out the door, when your mothers hand was suddenly in front of you, keeping you from leaving the room.

"The dishes."

With a groan you turned towards the small kitchen counter and the mountain of dishes placed on it. Well, maybe not a mountain, but too much to finish in 5 minutes. Now 4.

"I'll do it tomorrow, I promise," you whined. You had two sisters who could do it instead, this was not fair.

"Y/n." Your mothers voice made it clear that she wasn't in the mood for a discussion. You let out one desperate groan before you took care of the dishes, your mother keeping her eyes on you at all times. Your eyes were fixated at the clock. You were 5 minutes late. 10. 15…

"Okay I'm done, bye mum!" You ran out the door before your mother could give you even more chores, and out to the pool. You really hoped Riki was still there…

And he was. He was leaning backwards, face turned towards the warm morning sun, his feet lazily moving in the pool. He looked like he came right out of a commercial - and you were staring. While shaking your head you wanted to greet him, but you changed your mind. You had another plan. You got quietly in the pool, diving towards him. Then in one swift motion you came back up, hands ready to push the water in Rikis direction - but you didn't even have time for that before a big wave landed right in your face.

"What-"

You heard Riki laugh, and when you got the water out of your eyes you could see his whole body shaking with laughter, causing him to almost fall into the pool.

"You should have seen your face! Did you really think I wouldn't notice you?"

You were speechless. You had such a good plan! But his laughter was so addicting, you couldn't help but join in.

"I did, yes. Guess I need to come up with a better plan."

He nodded, eyes resting on you. "I can't wait."

You could feel the heat creeping back into your cheeks, and you quickly dived down again, hoping that Riki wouldn't notice anything. You didn't know what it was that made you blush so much around him, but you hoped it would stop before it became too embarrassing.

"So what's the plan for today?" Maybe a change of topic would help.

"Since you decided yesterday it's only fair that today is my turn." He waited until you signaled that you agreed. "We'll be jumping from up there."

His finger moved towards the diving platforms - right towards the biggest one. 10 meters.

"I don't think this is a good i-"

"Why, are you afraid?" He chuckled and began to run towards the platform. The problem was, you were actually afraid. Especially if he wanted to jump right from the highest platform. You were scared of heights ever since you almost fell from a cliff as a little kid, and jumping from a diving platform? That was certainly one of the last things on your wishlist. But you didn't want Riki to think that you were a coward, not when you only knew each other for a day. You wanted to keep him as a friend. Which was precisely why you found yourself stepping up the letter, foot after foot, up to where Riki was already waiting.

"Okay, are you ready?" He threw one last grin in your direction, before he started to run and jump straight down. It looked so easy when he did it, but when you took a step forward you froze. This was even higher than you thought. You couldn't jump down, you would break every single bone or even worse… and the pool under you didn't look that big either, what if you missed it? Suddenly you felt dizzy. You couldn't do this. Who cares if Riki thought you were a coward, you didn't want to risk your life. You slowly went backwards again, towards the ladder that would bring you to safety, when you froze again. This was so high up, too. What if you missed a step and fell all the way down? You were stuck. Quietly whimpering you sat down, your hands grabbing the railing next to you so hard that the knuckles turned white. Why did you agree to do this? Why did you care so much about Rikis opinion? Now he had to get your mum and you were not only embarrassed in front of him, but in front of everyone. And you would surely get another monologue from your mother.

You didn't know how much time had passed but you suddenly noticed a shadow in front of you, followed by someone kneeling down.

"Y/n? Are you okay?" It was Riki. You couldn't answer, you just let out another whimper and shook your head.

"I called your name but you didn't react… are you scared of heights?"

This time you nodded.

"Y/n, I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

The plan was to tell him that he couldn't have known, that it was not his fault, but all that came out were a few mumbled words and a cry when you felt a breath of wind. One hand was still around the railing, but the other was now wrapped around Rikis arm, your nails digging into his skin. You were too scared to notice, though.

"Do you trust me?"

To be honest you weren't so sure anymore. But you needed to get down somehow, so you nodded quickly. Riki took both of your hands in his, not once complaining about your strong grip, and slowly moved backwards. Both of you were more crawling than walking, moving slowly, but he didn't say anything. He just slowly guided you to the end of the platform before pulling you onto your feet.

"Just close your eyes," he whispered. You didn't want to, especially not when you were that high up, but did you have another choice? No. So you complied, even though everything inside you told you not to. The next thing you felt were Rikis arms around you, one hand pressing your head softly against his chest while the other was wrapped firmly around your chest. And then he moved another step backwards -

and you fell.

He let go of you as soon as you went underwater, his hands now under your armpits, pulling you up and towards the edge. You quickly got out of the water, stumbling a few steps before you broke down crying. You didn't even care if Riki saw you, right now this was just all too much.

After a few seconds you felt arms wrapped around your body, accompanied by little whispers. When you managed to calm down a bit you realized that it was Riki, who mumbled "everything's alright" and "you're on the ground now, nothing can happen" in your ear. You felt his chest moving with every breath and tried to adapt it, but it still took a while until you calmed down enough to breathe normally again.

"Are you okay?" You hear Riki mumble. When you nodded he grabbed your shoulders, pushing you softly away to look at your face, examining you. "Do you want to sit down? Something to drink? Anything I can do?"

"Something to drink sounds good," you answered, voice hoarse. You still needed some time to fully calm down. Riki just nodded before he guided you to a lounger, helping you sit down.

"Wait here, okay? I'll get you something."

You couldn't even react with how fast he was gone, disappearing into the hotel to get something to drink. But maybe it was good to get a second for yourself. You couldn't believe you actually tried to get on the diving platform. And all because of a guy you barely knew? It was stupid, and now he probably thought you were a scared little kid, even though you wanted to prove the opposite, you wanted to impress him.

You shook your head, trying to knock some sense back into you. Why did you care so much? You wouldn't see him after this vacation anyways, so why did you want him to be impressed? To like you? You weren’t that desperate to make friends, were you?

Your thoughts were cut short when a hand entered your field of vision, offering you a glass of water. When you looked up Riki smiled at you, but he still looked worried. Now you felt a bit bad. You didn’t mean to worry him that much. You wanted to see his happy smile again, not this.

“Thank you.” Riki just nodded while you drowned the glass as if you hadn’t been worried about drowning just minutes before.

“Why didn’t you tell me? That you were scared of heights?” He sat down next to you, taking the glass back as soon as it was empty and placed it on the ground. When he turned towards you your knees bumped into each other – and it felt like your heart stopped for a second. You froze, eyes stuck on your knees like glue. Your knees that were still touching.

“Y/n?”

“Hmm? Sorry.” Your head turned towards him, and to your disappointment he moved his knee away. Wait a minute. To your disappointment? No, this couldn’t be disappointment. Your knees were touching. That’s all.

“Earth to y/n? Should we go to a doctor? You keep spacing out.”

“I’m okay. Sorry. I just- I’m okay.”

He nodded, not pushing you any further. You two sat in silence for a while, before he turned towards you again – your knees pressing softly against each other. “So that’s why you want to play mermaid?”

You looked at him in confusion, brows furrowed.

“Because the sea doesn’t go high up but deep down.”

You stared at him with an open mouth, before you let out a chuckle. “Well, to be fair I would probably freak out in the ocean too. It might go deep down but that also means that I’m high up, even when I’m under water.”

“Hmm,” Riki shrugged. “Guess that means I’ll have to save you again.”

“My knight in shining armor,” you grinned. “Although you’re so tall that you probably wouldn’t even fit in one.”

“Is that a compliment? I’m also pretty sure I would drown if I wore an armor.”

“Oh, so I would be the one rescuing you then? I like that idea.”

Riki laughed, his shoulder nudging against yours. “I wouldn’t mind that either.”

When you looked up at him your eyes were meeting, both of you unable to look away. You could feel heat creeping up your cheeks, your heart rate going up – and if you were not mistaken Riki was blushing too. His hand reached out towards you, fingers pushing a wet strand of hair behind your ear. You could feel it burning up too. It was like a spell was cast between you two, forcing you to look at each other. Not that you minded, although a small part in your brain was wondering if you should say something, if this situation wasn’t a bit awkward.

“Y/n!” Oh no. Now it was going to be awkward. You looked to your side, where your sister was hovering over you, a wide grin on your face. “Care to introduce us?”

No, actually. You didn’t.

Riki seemed to feel the tension that suddenly appeared, his hand disappearing from your face and instead being outstretched towards your sister. “I’m Riki. Nice to meet you!”

“Couldn’t agree more.” Your sister shook his hand, but her glance was directed towards you, promising endless hours of teasing later. You had to suppress a groan.

“Y/n, mum is calling for you. We want to go to the beach later and you should get ready. Seems like you need some time for that.”

You just stared at her, urging to move away- which she finally did, but with a broad grin on her face. You wanted to push her into the pool.

“Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye, then.” Were you mistaken or did he actually look sad?

“I guess…” You really didn’t want to say goodbye yet. You didn’t like this at all.

Suddenly Rikis face lit up. “Hey, I can ask my parents if we can go to the beach too! We can play some Volleyball together.”

You liked how easily he could make you smile again. “Oh! Yes!”

The two of you quickly said goodbye, both of you running to your rooms to get ready.

“Y/n has a cruuush”, your sister sang again, eyes fixated on you to see all of your reactions. But contrary to her expectations you only squinted at her, making sure to bump hardly against her shoulder when you went back to the living room. You didn’t have a crush. You just finally had a friend that made your annoying family a bit better to endure, and your vacation a lot better.

“Y/n, did you put on some sunscreen?”

“Yes mum!”

Your parents were still walking around the apartment, grabbing stuff they had forgotten so far, but after 10 more minutes they were done, and you were on your way. Finally. You were starting to feel giddy again, constantly running forward until you remembered that your family was still there, slowly strolling behind you. It’s like they wanted to sabotage you meeting Riki.

“And did you remember to pack your hat this time?”

“Yes muuuum,” you groaned, your head thrown back into your neck. When would you finally leave?

“Y/n?” You spun around at the familiar voice. It didn’t belong to your family, but you knew it well by now.

“Hi!” You grinned and waved towards the boy, whose family was just a bit behind yours. Hmm, maybe they hadn’t tried to sabotage you at all. Your family turned around too, greeting each other before they looked expectantly towards you and your friend. To your relief Riki took over the introductions, and it didn’t take long until your families decided to go to the beach together, all getting along quite well. Even your sister was distracted, too busy talking with Rikis sister about various things. Not like you paid attention. You walked ahead, almost beaming that you got to spend even more time with Riki now.

“My family took forever, I was nervous I wouldn’t find you,” you mumbled, eyes focused on the way in front of you.

“So, are you ready for our volleyball match later?” Riki asked after a while of comfortable silence.

“Same with mine! It was so annoying, I was ready 20 minutes ago.”

“Me too!” You both laughed. When you looked up you noticed Riki looking at you, his eyes quickly darting away when your eyes met his. You didn’t know why exactly, but it caused a smile that was spreading all over your face.

“Oh, I will beat you. Just you wait!” you grinned, softly nudging his shoulder.

“Jokes on you. I am actually a secret volleyball star player.”

You huffed. “Yes, the great Nishimura Riki. I’ve heard sooo much of you.”

“Hey. I said I’m a secret volleyball star player. Of course you haven’t heard of me.” He laughed, one arm suddenly wrapping around your shoulder to pull you closer. “You need to listen to me.”

Your face suddenly started burning, red spreading all over it. You didn’t know if you wanted to push him away or pull him closer, your thoughts a mess. You liked this. Did you? Or did you not? You did. Right?

“Ugh.” Oh. You froze when you noticed you had said this out loud, Riki stumbling a step forward before he turned towards you, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Ugh? Did I say something wrong?”

“No!” You both jumped slightly at your loud voice, but your family didn’t seem to notice. Good for you.

Riki nodded and you two continued your way to the beach. But he didn’t look convinced, and he also didn’t put his arm around your shoulders again. You missed it. Maybe you should do the first step this time? You hesitated for a second, wondering what to do, until you felt his hand continuously brushing against yours. You took a deep breath, trying to gather your courage – and softly took his hand into yours when it brushed against you again. Within seconds you could see a blush spread on Rikis face, his eyes avoiding yours and instead hushing around the whole scenery. It was like the roles were reversed. And to be honest… you liked it. You liked that he got as flustered as you, and you also liked holding his hand. Good that you could settle this. And good that Riki seemed to like it too as he gripped your hand a bit tighter, swinging your arms around until you reached the beach. While your parents set up the lounges and everything Riki had already grabbed the ball and pulled you with him to the little volleyball areas, his hand not letting go of yours.

“No,” you repeated again, quieter this time. “I’m sorry.”

“Is everything okay?” Riki looked worried, but you didn’t really have an answer to ease this worry. You didn’t really know yourself what was going on, your own feelings starting to confuse you.

“Okay, are you ready?”

You nodded, getting into position. It was a heated match, both of you not willing to go easy on the other, set to win. And it went well, you were a few points before Riki – until you miscalculated Rikis strength and could only watch as the ball came flying into your direction. It barely missed your nose, hitting your side of the face right next to your eye and send you flying to the ground.

“Shit,” you heard a voice shout, your vision darkening when you noticed a figure kneeling down above you. “Are you okay?”

You just groaned, your head buzzing to much to think of a coherent answer.

“Hey,” you croaked, your voice all hoarse and very reflective of how you were feeling.

“I’m so sorry, I swear I wasn’t aiming for your head. Can you answer? I’m kinda freaking out right now.”

You couldn’t, but you moved your hand instead, grabbing Rikis to assure him you were fine. Or well – as fine as you could be. You heard a relieved sign, finally being able to open your eyes to watch Riki place his other hand on top of yours, leading it to his lips. His eyes met yours right when he pressed a soft kiss onto your hand – an action that made your heart flutter.

“Hey,” Riki mumbled back, pushing some stray strands of hair behind your ear. “I was really worried.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You? I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you this hard.”

“I guess that means you won,” you tried to joke, but every attempt at a laugh resulted in an even bigger headache.

“Is that okay?”

“Maybe I should get your parents… Give me a second.”

You wanted to protest, not wanting him to leave, but it turned into surprised when he suddenly picked you up, carefully walking a few steps to see if he could carry you to your parents.

You nodded, your arms wrapping around his neck to keep yourself close to him. You closed your eyes again, finding that the darkness hurt your head way less. Instead you were focusing on Rikis deep breaths, his smell that surrounded you and somehow calmed you down.

“Don’t fall asleep on me,” he whispered against your hair, and you couldn’t stop your heart from fluttering again.

Okay. Maybe you had hit your head pretty hard and were just confused. Or maybe you actually had a crush on Riki.

~~~

here it finally is! i worked so long on this story i don't even know what to think about it anymore. this started last year for a collab but that ended so i kinda forgot about it, so i decided to just publish it now that summer starts again! please let me know your opinions, i love to hear from you <33

permanent taglist: @maeum-your @sunoona @hoonsmarsbar @soobin-chois @sjyuniverse @taekbokki

[squidthechaotickid]

Made a lmk sona/oc finally >:] Their name is Void and they r so very silly 2 me <33

Dropping their backstory + info under the readmore

Okay so. Mk was having a nice time in his apartment, having a wonderful dream bc he was asleep, when he was woken up by a sudden CRASH. He woke up, looked at the weird shadow clone of himself, took a deep breath, and decided to lay back down for a few minutes. Meanwhile the shadow clone is still messing wt his stuff.

Finally, he gets up, drags the clone down to Pigsy's, and calls Monkie King. The clone kinda just sits there while Mk and Monkie King (who was there in like 5 seconds) start debating what to do. Monkie King suggests getting Macaque (who's name the clone repeats) and Mk agrees (much to Pigsy's dismay, but hey, it's either that or let the weird clone hang around.)

Wukong went off to find Macaque while Mk started to mess around with the clone. It kept repeating random words and copying several of his actions. Piggy thought he should leave it alone but Mk ignored him.

After like 20 minutes, Macaque, already knowing abt the clone (he saw it while shadow traveling and thought it was weird,) came in with Wukong and was basically like "I have no clue what that is but it's definitely some sort of shadow thing. Mk did you accidentally make a shadow clone bc that's my thing usually not Wukong's.

Mk confirmed he didn't, and they started to debate what it was. Somehow, Macaque and Wukong started fighting, and Mk tried to calm things down. The more upset Mk got, the more agitated the clone got, with only Pigsy noticing. He only managed to get their attention after the clone began to screech, before dipping into the shadows and disappearing.

Everyone began to panic, except Macaque, who quickly followed and found the clone close by, outside in an alley. He tried to bring it back inside but it instead began to fight, summoning its own shadow version of Mk's staff.

The others rushed out at the noise, and the fight began. The clone kept targeting Monkie King and Macaque, while completely avoiding Mk. Finally, the fight ends after the clone dips into the shadows one too many times, and begins to "dissolve." They leave, leaving the gang to wonder what that even was.

After several months and other, more pressing issues (aka multiple demon attacks,) they mostly forgot about the clone. Until, one day, a kid looking oddly like Mk walks into Pigsy's. They introduce themself as Void, Mk's shadow. They explained that they weren't exactly sure what they were, just that they were born from the shadows, and was specifically connected to Mk, as they could feel certain bits of what he felt. (Both physical pain and emotional pain)

They explained that they had spent months watching and learning from the world, teaching themself to speak and changing their appearance so they were no longer a clone, and instead their own person. They apologized for the previous fight, stating that Mk getting upset had filtered to them, and they didn't know how to cope with the sudden emotion, as they'd never felt anything like it, being born literally an hour before.

Mk was ecstatic, and decided to drag them around town so they could experience it outside of the shadows, also inviting Mei. The trip went mostly okay, though Void did have to stop the trip early because they were getting overwhelmed by the new sensations. They became friends with the others, and Void now shows up every once in a while to help or just to visit.

Other facts, now that I'm done wt the backstory lmao.

They can't shadow travel for long or often. It's kinda like a drop of water in the sea; they're a shadow, and if they stay too long, the shadows will consume them and make them a part of it yet again.

that's why they started to dissolve after the traveling too many times during the fight.

That being said, they still have to every once in a while. They'll feel sick if they don't.

While the sun doesn't harm them, it will make them feel exhausted after a bit.

They feel everything Mk feels, though not as extreme, and they can usually tell which are his and which are theirs.

That being said, when Mk had the whole thing with his monkie form? They couldn't control their own form, it was terrifying. They were lucky they were alone in a forest outside the city at the time, because they were completely out of it.

They based their look off of various things they found in the city, such as clothes they saw in stores or colors they saw that looked nice. They kept Mk's headband and based their hair partially on Macaque and Wukong's.

They can't change their base form in any way Mk can't. They ended out wearing a binder, just like Mk does.

They don't know what a gender is.

They have an identity crisis every other week.

They keep trying to separate themself from Mk, but demons keep mistaking the two and it really doesn't help the identity thing.

When they were first learning to speak, they stuttered over words and spoke formal. As they got used to speaking, they became more leaned back and used more slang.

[provvidence]

this post talks about suicidal ideation, severe anxiety, panic attacks, and generally bad stuff. don't read it if you're having a bad day, thanks, love u.

before today, i'd only had three panic attacks about this job. none happened while on the clock. one before i started the job, one immediately after a shift, one immediately before a shift. unpleasant, but i persevered.

the lack of panic attacks, however, requires a lot of discipline from a brain and body already exhausted by the effort from simply working the job.

it requires enough sleep, for a start. i've never been good at going to sleep, not even as a little kid. i could never shut my brain off. now with an early and long shift the following morning to dread and despair over, it's an even tougher feat. i go to bed ridiculously early, self soothe with every trick i know, put a youtube video on, and for the most part succeed, however unpleasant, with an hour or two margin for error. get up early, but hopefully not sleep deprived because everything unravels on no sleep. force down a breakfast (while nauseous), however small. take my meds. get myself to walk out the door and drive to work (still nauseous). fight with myself to not just keep driving. make it inside, make it through the day. rest after my shift so i have the energy to do it all again, nauseous the whole evening because i'm anxious about the next day.

discipline. just working a job at all is exhausting when you haven't done it in years. this job requires exertion. it hurts my back and my feet and my brain and my hands. but i don't need to just work, i need to manage the anxiety, an off and on the clock job.

what happens when i fuck up this discipline terrifies me on a level i cannot really wrap my head around. i couldn't sleep last night. got hit at like 7 pm with a bout of severe anxiety about today's shift. got nauseous. couldn't shake it. went to bed, put a youtube video on. couldn't shake it. tried reading, tried knitting, tried just closing my eyes. ended up more anxious. wandered to the living room shaking like a leaf so boy could help soothe me, fell asleep around midnight. slept in small fits, only ever half asleep, until 3. then i was awake, and starting to panic. i never do well on no sleep. far, far too nauseous to eat. can't take meds without food. if i go to work like this, i have a panic attack on the clock, almost assuredly, and that's game over. so i call out. which feels bad. only a month in to this job. doing it due to anxiety, which i have worked so very hard every waking moment to keep a lid on. thoughts spiral, start to feel like a failure, like i'm losing my grip, starting the inevitable descent. start to truly panic, so i take ativan, hoping it will calm me and put me to sleep. it does not. i barely even feel it. read a book till boy wakes up, immediately offer to go get him coffee to distract myself and not give him time to notice the state i'm in. start hyperventilating in the coffee shop. kinda ironic, having a panic attack in a coffee shop even though i called out of my shift at a coffee shop. drive home lightheaded with blurry vision, like a moron. arrive home, have a panic attack so bad even my legs start to go numb. it lasts ages. makes boy late for work.

and this is apparently what life just is for me. this is what i need to do to live with agoraphobia. keep it under wraps so tight it can't spiral. don't fuck up.

i know what happens if i get so exhausted i fuck up. what happens when i can't force food down my throat through nausea and what happens when even the ativan doesn't put me to sleep and what happens when the panic attack hits while i'm one of two people working in a busy store and what happens when i cannot get myself to walk out the door anymore.

i know what happens. it's happened before. and truly, i love my life. my person, my cat, my home, my family, my passions, my games, my neighborhood, my walks, my dreams of what my future could look like.

but without a job, all of that turns sour. i become a financial burden to the people i love most, at constant risk of homelessness and anything i've ever thought to want out of life is dead in the water.

and this is where my bpd takes over. it already did a part in making everything feel so huge and intense in the first place. but now it rears it's ugly fucking head to say "well, you fucked it up irrevocably and you have no other option, so you need to kill yourself". not even a desire anymore, just a necessity. it feels cruel, even to me, and i am no stranger to being cruel to myself.

i've got people telling me i can in fact do this. i've been telling myself i can do this, even got a tattoo to remind myself. but the feeling that i cannot gets more overpowering the longer i go on. the panic attacks are incredibly convincing arguments to that point. the more i have, the less i see a path to continue. i am exhausting myself. all the while knowing that historically, eventually, i give up.

i've only got so much fight in me. i am fucking tired. and two ativans in, i still cannot fucking sleep.

[whumpy-writings]

What He Deserved

Of Vampires and Men Masterlist

Whumtember 2022 Day 6: Forced to Comply

Takes place directly after Biology

CW: Aftermath of traumatic event, numbness, guilt, self-hatred, blood, panic attack

"Hold still," the nurse said as he dabbed at Aldon's back. Aldon stared straight ahead, not really thinking about anything. Apparently he had passed out after he killed the human. He had come to as they were carrying him to the infirmary. His back stung from the whip and the sun, but he welcomed that. At least it was a feeling. The rest of him was just... numb.

"I need you to come back every night for the next week so I can take a look at how it's healing."

Aldon just nodded at the nurse's directions. "Drink," the nurse said, handing him a mug of blood. Aldon stared down into the dark red liquid, the scent turning his stomach. But he did what he was told and choked it down. Then he handed the mug back to the nurse and resumed staring at the wall.

"Von Sleet." Aldon turned to face the nurse. The nurse was frowning. "I said you were dismissed. Go get some rest."

"Yes sir," he mumbled as he took the sun cloak the nurse offered him. He got to his feet and slowly walked out of the infirmary.

Franz and Leon were waiting for him right outside the door. Without a word Franz wrapped Aldon in a hug, carefully avoiding the whips marks on his back. Leon hugged him too and the three of them just stood there for a while. Aldon closed his eyes. He should be crying. He should be screaming and cursing and be overwhelmed by emotion. But he didn't feel anything. What kind of person did that make him?

"We're here for you, Al," Franz said as he pulled back and rested a hand on Aldon's shoulder. Aldon looked down at the ground.

"I just want to be left alone right now," Aldon said quietly.

"Oh, okay," Franz said as he removed his hand.

Aldon turned away and started walking back to the barracks. The sun was shining down and Aldon shivered inside his sun cloak. He never wanted to feel the sun's wrath again.

He was almost to the barracks door when all at once it hit him. A wave of horror and anger and grief and guilt slammed into him and he fell to his knees. He was shaking, he realized.

"I'm a murderer," he whispered to himself. And even as he said it he knew that wasn't a recent development. He had been a murderer since he was thirteen years old. Aldon looked down at his hands. Hands that only this morning had been splashed with blood. A tear splashed onto his palm. Then another one.

Aldon put his face in his hands and sobbed. He had never wanted to hurt anyone, vampire or human. But he hadn't been given a choice. He had killed Julian to spare the human pain. He had killed the human today to spare himself pain. And he would spend the rest of his life killing, for no other reason than it was what was expected of him as a soldier. His thoughts spiraled and blurred and he couldn't stop them. He couldn't stop them. He gasped for breath that wouldn't come as panic engulfed his mind and body.

Aldon didn't know how long he knelt on the ground crying and shaking. But it was long enough for Franz and Leon to find him.

"Al?" Leon said gently, kneeling next to him. Aldon didn't look at his friend. The worst of the panic attack was over now, but he still shook slightly.

"Come inside," Leon said. "It's past midday and you need to rest."

Aldon didn't protest as his friends grabbed his arms and helped him to his feet. He didn't protest as they led him up the stairs to the to the second floor and the room they shared.

Aldon collapsed into his bunk and closed his eyes. He was exhausted. But sleep didn't come that day.

As the sun set, Aldon heard his bunkmates moving around the room as they prepared for another night of classes. Aldon had been excused for the night on account of his injuries. He flinched when a burst of laughter sounded from the other side of the room.

"Shh, be quiet," Franz whispered harshly to the culprits. "Al needs his rest."

A student snorted. "He needs his rest? What about us? His screaming at the Post woke up the entire barracks." Aldon cringed at the hatred in George's voice. "From what I've heard, he got what he deserved."

Aldon's heart skipped a beat. Had he really deserved the whipping? The burning of the sun?

"You know nothing, George. Nothing," Franz hissed.

"Whatever," George said, and even with his eyes closed Aldon knew that he was rolling his eyes.

Soon, the barracks were empty. Aldon sat up in bed, wincing at the pain in his back. He picked up his pillow and screamed into it.

George was wrong. He hadn't gotten what he deserved. Not yet.

Taglist: @thecitythatdoesntsleep @whump-cravings @thecyrulik @neverthelass @michelleswhumpyreblogs @whumpsy-daisy @the-monarch-whumperfly @aswallowimprisoned @secretwhumplair @whumpzone @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @nicolepascaline @susiequaz12 @princessofonwardsworld @itsleighlove @pumpkin-spice-whump @wiwinia @sunflower10000 @whump-blog @blushing-snail @melancholy-in-the-morning @pizzasthengym @suspicious-whumping-egg @whumpsday @ceph-the-writing-spook @inkkswhumpandstuff @whumpycries @quietly-by-myself @honey-is-mesi @darlingwhump