#and they didn’t get it when my shitty ex stopped paying child support right around the same time

[fairydustedtheory]

-

[the-geese-are-amoral]

okay so i have some mad BNHA headcanons, featuring DadMight and KamiDeku. it’s a little long and conspiracy-theory-like, sorry.

1. what if Inko is somehow related to Nana? like maybe Nana’s child had multiple children. two of which i headcanon to be Aizawa and Inko. so let’s say that Inko and Aizawa are siblings and each fell out with their family because of their views on superheroes/society/just in general and Aizawa left and applied to UA and Inko left a few years later when she was more financially stable.

2. Inko meets her husband Hisashi Midoriya some years later and they hit it off immediately and eventually get married. Inko gets pregnant. Hisashi works abroad.

3. i lowkey headcanon Hisashi as a villain because he “works abroad.” that’s hella vague and if i were a villain i’d try to do my villainy in a country where i’m not recognized or thought of as anything but a sad business man or smth. so yeah he’s a villain. Inko suspects a little bit but not enough to confront him...

4. so mama Inko is pregnant BUT there’s a chance it might not be Hisashi’s child o.0 i know right. so anyway yeah she hit it off with a kind blond man named Toshinori and she knows it’s wrong because she’s married but she never tells him and she thinks something might be up with Hisashi and this helps her calm down. she just says Hisashi is the father tho,,,...

5. Toshi is the father and that’s why Izu is quirkless. Toshi never finds out about Izuku possibly being his child. he reconnects with Inko when she starts training Izu, not connecting them because he knew Inko as Inko and he knows izu as Izuku Midoriya so he never thought to make the connection.

6. one day he’s chatting with Inko on a coffee date and she gets a phone call from her son (her son?! when did he have a son? how old is he? etc. etc.) and she’s like “Izuku? is everything okay?” and he chokes on his coffee because his protegee is the child of his ex,,,, and the dates kinda line up.....

7. Toshi’s like “oh, you have a son?” and she’s like “yeah his name is Izuku and i love him so so so much he’s 15 years old...” he chokes on his coffee again because holy shit is this kid his and so he asks who the father is and she starts blushing and says honestly that she doesn’t know if it’s her husband or Toshinori.

8. he’s freaking the fuck out again because holy fuck he might have a son and he suggests Izuku gets a blood test and Inko thinks he should too so they tell Izuku and now Izuku is panicking because omg All Might might be his actual dad..

9. Izuku gets the blood test and yes he IS Toshinori’s son and and Toshi looks over the blood test and finds out that Izuku is the great-grandson of Nana on his mom’s side. so suddenly Toshi is crying and Izu and Inko are panicking and so he tells Inko how he’s All Might (she almost faints because ofc the man she had an affair with and is the father of her child happens to be mfing ALL MIGHT) and he tells them both about OFA and his mentor Nana and they’re now all crying and hugging and Inko finds out that Toshi is training Izu and she says “don’t overwork him... he is your son, after all” and they all chuckle and cry even more

10. skip a few months. it’s school time and UA is starting and Izu never broke any bones because he had a closer connection to Nana through OFA and he gets the hang of it pretty quick and is jumping around like a bunny because he thinks that punches are his dad’s thing and Izu needds his own thing. his hero costume looks the same because it makes him look like a green rabbit lmao

11. at the sports festival, he gets 1st place both times because he can go super fast and he’s really precise and everything. cur to the Todoroki Talktm and he asks if Izu is All Might’s secret love shild and Izuku starts sweating and just says “that’s kinda,,, confidential information. I don’t think i can tell you anything without having you sing at least 3 documents..” and Todo’s eyes go wide because holy shit he was right and Izuku thinks Todo is either really smart or really weird.

12. Inko suddenly realizes HOLY SHIT I’M STILL MARRIED and she calls Hisashi up and says “hey, can we get a divorce? apparently Izu isn’t your son and i’m in love with the fatehr but we’re still married...” and he seemed almost happy to divorce her and Inkko thinks it’s because he can stop paying child support but he could actually be a villain... she’ll look into it later.

13. skip a few months, Aizawa and All Might come to Inko’s apartment to talk about getting the dorms set up and All Might walks in like “hey, sweetie” and kisses her on the cheek and everything and Aizawa looks appalled because All Might if you’re in a relationship the principal needs to know and why are you dating mrs. midoriya and she politely says “oh just call me Inko, i got divorced a few months ago” and aizawa is like “... Inko? is that you??” and she’s like “Shouta??!!” and surprisingly they both start crying because they’re siblings

14. so Aizawa and Inko are siblings and the grandchildren of Nana, Toshi’s mentor, and the next holder of OFA is Toshi’s son and the great-grandchild of Nana... it’s a big fucking mess.

15. they do end up talking about the dorms and such and since Inko knows that Izu’s father and uncle are there, she trusts them. Aizawa is like, “you know the families of UA teachers are allowed to live in the dorms” and Inko is like sign me the fuck up and so now she’s living with Toshi near her brother and son

16. Toshi proposes!!! he proposes at the beach and it’s all romantic and afterwards Izu and Shouta and Shouta’s boyfriend Yamada all jump out and everyoen’s crying and it’s all adorable.

17. in class, All Might lets it slip that him and Shouta are gonna be in-laws and everyone starts panicking and flipping out except for Todoroki who just rambles like a consporacy theorist and Izu who’s sweating gallons. they ask to meet her and All Might says that’s possible since she lives in the UA dorms with him.

18.Inko grees to come to the next training and Bakugou is like “ha shitty deku what’s your mom doing here” and All Might is like “meet my fiancee” and Bakugou is like “AUNTIE!??! I THOUGHT HISASHI WAS DEKU’S DAD” and Inko starts blushing because he isn’t. she whispers “he was never the father” and Bakugou flips his shit because the boy he bullied for 10 years was the goddamn son of All Might.

19. so everyone knows that Izuku is the son of All Might and when his friends ask more about it he mentions that his great-grandma was a pro hero. suddenly Kaminari says “hey didn’t All Might say that your mom was related to Aizawa?” and Izuku blushes and says that apparently Shouta is his uncle and he didn’t find out until they were telling the students’ families about the dorms and Shouta reunited with Inko. Kaminari also points out that this means Inko’s maiden name is Aizawa and Bakugou says that since he’s no longer a Midoriya because of the divorce, he could go by Aizawa Izuku. Izu tells his mom they need to change their names and she agrees.

20. Izuku shows up to school on monday with the name Aizawa Izuku on the roster and Aizawa read it and says “problem child, don’t tell me your dad told everyone about the engagement” and Izuku blushes and says that it slipped and Aizawa bangs his head on the table and says “Izuku, you get to tell my husband why i have a concussion” and everyone freaks out AGAIN because Aizawa is married?? and Izuku KNEW???!!

21. Izuku doesn’t let anything slip but when it’s time for English he tells Mic “Uncle Shouta said that if he has a concussion it’s my fault” and everyone in the class goes dead quiet and from his desk Aizawa says “i didn’t mean in front of the whole clas yu troublesome little shit, i’m telling your mom you outed me” and Izuku dies immediately out of laughter and then fear

22. he begs his uncles not to tell his mom but Aizawa puts the call on speaker and Inko’s like “Shouta, what’s up? i’m about to finish my break” and he says “your son outed mine and Mic’s relationship, expose a secret of his” and she talks about how Izuku has a crush. Izuku blushes and the class starts teasing him and Inko says “I probably shouldn’t say because the whole class is listening, but the Aizawa house always believed in ‘an eye for an eye’” and the class shuts up and Inko says “yeah he said his crush’s quirk has something to do with electricity” and you can hear a pin drop and Izuku runs out of the class to the bathroom but he really just escapes to the dorms, and once the realization hits Kaminari he fucking bolts out of the class calling out to him.

23. Inko is still on the line and she says “oh my, i didn’t know they were in the same class” and she’s sorry and she’ll have to apologize to Izuku later. class proceeds as normal except without Izu and Kaminari. they’re both back at lunch though and they’re blushing and holding hands.

24. yes they’re dating. they’re blushing because they were making out once they talked through everything. yes Inko and Yagi know. the Aizawa family also seems to have a thing for adorable blonds...,,..,.,.

25. they all live happily ever after because i’m out of ideas but yeah.,.,. that’s my take

[bethhxrmon]

do flowers exist at night? -chapter eight

Chapter Eight: A Turkey Dance

Pairing: Steve Harrington x OC

Chapter Summary: After a little while, Thanksgiving has finally decided to show up. It causes Annie to have some realizations about everything around her.

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of trauma, dysfunctional family stuff

A/N: Howdy, not gonna lie, I’ve run out of motivation over the last month. I’ve got up through chapter sixteen written, but reblogs and comments are the best way to help me get that motivation! Also, school’s starting for me tomorrow so that is definitely going to come before this fic. Anyways, if you’d like to see the other parts of the fic you can go here.

~*~*~*~

Thanksgiving was ordinarily a good enough holiday. There was food and a parade to watch plus a cute dog show afterwards. Annie's parents were never into football, so she never had to put up with watching the sport. However, this year was a little different than other years.

By a little different, that meant it was a huge difference. Initially, she assumed that it would just be her mom and herself sitting in front of the television and watching whatever was on.

Now, Annie wasn't against her mom dating someone else, but introducing the guy at Thanksgiving just felt a little bit weird to her. It could have been worse, though. The guy could have been a complete dick and Annie would have purposely made the day a living hell for everyone.

Fortunately, Scott Clarke was a nice guy. There wasn't any way around it. A part of Annie wanted to just hate him, but it was easy to like the middle school science teacher. How he and her mom met was beyond her, but her mom seemed pretty happy about it.

Steve told her to just give him a call if things got unbearable. His parents would be around, but he swore he would make up an excuse to help her out. What were friends for if not saving what was originally a well-liked holiday?

Everything was pretty nice that morning. Annie was working on baking a pumpkin pie and was making some mashed sweet potatoes. That was about the extent of her cooking ability. The pie was easy, she just had to pour a few cans of mix into the premade crust and make sure it didn't burn. The sweet potatoes were just the anomaly of being able to cook one thing decently enough.

"I've heard a lot about you from your mom," Scott said.

Annie nodded as she poured in the pie filling, "Yeah, I've heard a bit about you from some kids I know."

"Which kids?"

"Um... I think they're your AV kids? Mike, Dustin, Lucas, Will, and I think Max is in there, right?"

"Yes, you'd be correct," he grinned, "They're a bright group. How do you know them?"

"Um..." she paused, realizing she couldn't explain the real circumstances, "I helped babysit them a couple of times."

It was obvious that Scott was trying and Annie had to give him some credit. From how the kids talked about him, he was a smart and nice guy. While she wasn't ordinarily inclined to trust the judgement of a bunch of eighth graders, she trusted those kids.

While this wasn't the Thanksgiving Annie had counted on, it wasn't warranting a call to Steve. However, when the doorbell rang, a few alarms automatically went off in Annie's brain.

She went over to open the door and saw none other than Carter Hardwick. Already, she could feel her stomach twisting in knots. As nice of a guy as Scott was, she doubted that he dad would take well to him. Hypocritical yes, but what was a shitty parent if not just that?

"Anne, aren't you happy to see me?" he asked.

Annie forced a smile, "Uh yeah! Just um- just a bit unexpected."

"Well, I wrote."

Maybe she shouldn't have burned those letters after all.

Begrudgingly, she let her dad into the house. What other choice did she have? If her mom wanted to force him out, she wouldn't stop her. However, Annie was all too aware that she had no way of telling anyone what to do in this situation.

"And who's this?" her dad asked, nodding at Scott.

"Mom's new boyfriend," she said, her brain simply short-circuiting.

How couldn’t that have happened? The way her dad stared at the other man made Annie want to crawl into a hole. Thankfully, her mom came out into the living room. There was no hiding the look of disdain on her face. It was even more obvious when her mom asked him to talk with her for a moment.

He shrugged, "I'm sure whatever you have to say to me can be heard by our daughter and whatever asshole you've got over here."

"I'm speaking to you alone," her mom insisted.

That left the living room with only Scott and Annie. They both decided to just watch the dog show going on in front of them. Erik hopped onto the arm of the couch and Annie busied herself with petting him.

"So what's that little guy's name?" he asked.

"Oh, this is Erik. He's the family cat, but he likes me the most. Probably because I'm the most relaxed one in the house, I guess."

He nodded, "Poor, poor Erik."

"Wait... you've read Phantom?"

"Well, of course. It has some of the most amazing scientific ideas for the time!"

She thought a moment before nodding, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

While Annie wasn't sure what to think of her mom dating someone, she was at least glad this guy was nicer than her dad. The contrast was obvious when her parents both walked out.

"Anne, you'll be happy to know your good-ole dad's gonna be here for the day," her dad said as she dodged him ruffling her hair.

"You're not my dad," she said plainly before her eyes widened a bit.

That wasn't something she counted on coming out of her mouth, but she wasn't about to take it back. Technically, she was right. Neither of her parents were biological. Still, they took care of her like they were. Except, with all the things her dad had said and done in the past, she knew she could hold that lack of biology against him as long as she wanted.

"Go to your room!" he snapped.

Annie let out a laugh, "Are you serious?! You don't even live here! If you actually wanted to be a good dad you would... you- well you would pay the damn child support once in a while! You only have to make thirteen of them!"

"Annette!" her mom said, "I think you could use a moment to cool off."

That was the nicest way her mom could tell her to go to her room. Maybe she hit a nerve or two, but Annie knew she hadn't said anything that wasn't already true. There wasn't any use in arguing, though. Not when she almost wanted out of the situation. She picked up her cat and took him to her room with her.

This was the exact sort of thing she was supposed to call Steve over. So she took the phone in her room and dialed his number. As it turned out, Steve did have a phone in his room. One which they had both completely neglected that night a few weeks ago. A night she wasn't over by any means. She hadn't told her mom about any of it, and she knew that she probably would never be able to explain it. It still stuck around in her head. The inter-dimensional and the real things that happened just wouldn't leave.

She let out a sigh as she heard the phone ringing and she twisted the phone cord around her finger.

"Hello?"

"Steve?"

"It's not even noon yet," he said, almost laughing, "That bad already?"

Annie chewed on her lip, "My dad made a surprise visit... I kinda told him he's not my dad and to pay the child support for once."

"Oh shit..." he sighed, "I'd try to come and get you but um- my parents sprung a surprise trip to my aunt's on me."

"That- that's fine, I get it. You gotta see your family."

"If it's any consolation, I'll wish I'm not there. I'd really prefer to hang out with you."

She smiled a bit, "That's nice... I'd rather hang out with you too. Of course, I'd rather hang out with a cockroach than be stuck here."

"Well, if I make it back early enough, maybe I can make something work," he suggested.

"I'd like that a lot."

There was shouting in the background of Steve's end, "Uh I gotta go. Good luck, though."

"Thanks um- you too."

Then the phone clicked off and Annie set her own on the receiver. Admittedly, she almost counted on hanging out with Steve. Aside from the kids, there really wasn't anyone else she spent a lot of time with.

The thought of him trying to come over later did make her feel special. Not that she was about to say so. It was normal, they sort of just had each other. She didn't have any friends to begin with and she knew Steve would sooner die than third wheel his ex all the time.

Aside from sort of being social outcasts and dealing with the Upside Down together, what did they have in common in the first place? Maybe they had a similar sense of humor and similar music tastes, but almost anyone could have those things in common. They were just friends and Annie knew that didn't mean they had to do anything more than that.

Either way, Annie knew that she wasn't going to bother with leaving her room until someone told her to. Continuing on with her reading of War and Peace was fine with her. Contrary to her dad's opinions, she thought it was an interesting book.

A part of her was almost too invested in some of the drama of it all. What with Natasha now being tempted by Anatole as Sonya tried to be a good and loyal cousin as well as a friend. It had her reading the pages as quickly as she could. Though, a huge factor in getting through the book as quickly as she was had to be waking up in the middle of the night.

The nightmares didn't happen every night, but it wouldn't have made much of a difference either way. It was too much for her to deal with. While Steve wanted her to talk about it with him, she still didn't say much about it.

"Annie?" her mom knocked at her door.

She marked her book, "What's up?"

The door opened as her mom stepped inside, "You know, I think we still need a couple of things from the grocery store."

"Wait," she looked over the list being handed to her, "I thought we had-"

Her mom cut her off, "We're gonna run out soon. Just take your time, alright? There's no rush."

"Oh, okay."

This happened often enough when they lived in New York. If tensions got really high, her mom would send her out somewhere to do something. That didn't mean she missed out on all the yelling and arguing, though.

Still, it was enough for Annie to take the hint and grab her red, fleece-lined jacket off a hanger and left the house without saying anything. She was almost positive they didn't need any of this. They had more than enough butter and Annie could barely stand Stove Top stuffing in the first place.

She walked rather aimlessly, though she was headed toward the town. If she were too aimless, she would have ended up in the woods. As bright as the day seemed, she still didn't trust herself to go there alone.

Besides, she still hadn't found her switchblade since trying to fight Billy. A part of her thought it was possible he had it. Though, it was just as likely that it was in some obscure place of the Byers' house. She didn't want to go back there any time soon. It wasn't that she had anything against the family, but the thought of going back into the house or stepping into the living room? That was out of the question.

A part of her wished she had some way to actually make Billy pay for everything he did. The problem was that there wasn't any way to do that without giving away everything else. Not that she could think of, anyway. And who knows, maybe she didn't interpret everything properly. Maybe he hadn't done anything.

Her hands clenched inside her jacket pockets as she continued walking. A part of her wanted to tell her mom at the very least. The closest that got was when her mom saw the scar that the cut she got on her face left behind. She blamed it on getting into a bit of an altercation with Erik.

After walking for some time, Annie found her way to a small park. Someone was sitting on the swings. She could see the red hair from pretty far off, but she was unsure of who it was. Though, the closer she got, the more certain she was.

"Max? What're you doing out here?" she asked, sitting on the other swing.

Max looked over to her, "Um... just hanging out."

"None of the guys are available?" she asked.

Max shook her head, "It's Thanksgiving, everyone's with their families."

"Yeah? Well, then what're you doing out here? It's a bit chilly."

"Um..." Max let out a sigh, "You know how the whole divorced kid thing goes. It's my first Thanksgiving without my dad around and Neil and Billy are... um... they're being themselves."

Annie frowned, "They're not hurting you are they? Because if they are I-"

"No, not like that. After I almost hit Billy's nuts with that bat he's been a bit better. It still um- it scares me sometimes, though.

She nodded, "I guess that makes sense. I wish I could look forward to my dad showing up out of nowhere today, but that guy's a dick."

"Oh, was it just gonna be you and your mom?"

"And your science teacher."

"Mr. Clarke?!" Max exclaimed, laughing, "You're kidding!"

She laughed along with Max, "I'm not- I mean, having my mom date some guy like this is weird, but- but I guess things could be a lot worse, you know? Well, before my dad showed up and managed to make it awkward for everyone."

"Oh, that sucks. Sorry, I just don't know what else would help you."

Annie shook her head, "That's alright. You're, like, thirteen? You don't need to worry about helping me."

The both of them stuck around and talked to each other for a while. They managed to avoid actually talking about the awful things Billy had done. Likely because neither of them were prepared for a conversation like that. At the very least, Annie knew that just thinking about talking about that with anyone was enough to make her nauseous.

Eventually, it was for the best that Max went home, so Annie walked her back before turning around and heading back to her own house. She would have to face everything there eventually. But maybe her dad decided to buzz off by that point.

There was no such luck, though. As awkward as it was for her, she gave Scott props for not finding an excuse to get out of the house until the meal was over. If she were him, she  would have faked a family emergency in a heartbeat. Though, it was possible that he was just a better person than she was. Lots of people were.

"So, Anne, I've heard you're reading War and Peace," her dad said as they all sat around eating pie.

Annie nodded, "Yep."

"I don't understand why you would bother. I've already told you all the reasons it's a waste of time."

Annie set down her fork before looking over at him, "Maybe I started to realize you compulsively lie about everything. Oh, or maybe I realized people have different tastes from you. Hm, maybe it's the fact that I couldn't give a shit about your opinion of me after everything you've done."

"Language, young lady! Elsa, is this really what you're letting our daughter get away with?"

"I'm not your kid! If I were, you wouldn't send me a ten page letter about how I-"

"Cut it out! Both of you," her mom snapped, "Look, I'm not about to kick my own daughter out of my house, but Carter? I've done nothing but try to make this day decent and, frankly, I'm tired of that. I need you to leave."

Annie focused on her pie as her mom and dad headed out of the kitchen. It beat getting told to quiet down or to stop rambling. Although, it was clear the enjoyment of silence wasn't mutual.

"This pie is great," Scott told her.

She forced a smile, "Thanks... my mom ended up doing most of the work this year, though."

"You know, I hope you don't think I'm intruding on anything. I know this wasn't the best time to try and introduce myself."

"Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. Having my mom date someone is super weird, but I don't hate you. That being said, if you even so much as think about hurting my mom, I'll find a way to make your life a living hell."

Eventually, Annie was able to go back to her room for reasons other than getting into it with her dad. It was nearly midnight and she was focused on the book in front of her as she sat in her bed. There wasn't any school the next day, so she didn't worry about what time she went to bed.

Her distracted state didn't last long when she heard something knock on the window. When she looked out she only saw a shadowy figure outside and her eyes widened. Though, looking closer, it was obviously just Steve.

She opened the door, though she did so a bit sheepishly. How could she have been so easily scared by her closest friend? Steve slid in quietly, though there was a bit of tumbling in since her bed was right under her window. If he got his shoes on her light grey comforter, she would have probably screamed.

He grinned, "Told ya I'd come over."

"Steve, I- I wish you'd told me first," she said.

His smile faded a bit, "I can leave if-"

"No, sorry, just," she sighed, "I don't know, everything just really sucks right now."

There was a long pause before Annie let herself say what happened that day. She wished today could have been normal. That every day could be normal. If that meant her life was boring then so be it. Maybe all the boring people had it right.

"That's really shitty," Steve said, looking at her.

"Yeah."

"Hey, maybe it'll get better."

"Maybe."

A few more minutes and Steve was doing everything he could to get Annie to laugh. It took a solid half hour to get a real laugh out of her, but he did it. After getting her a bit more distracted, they ended up talking about everything except the things they should have probably talked about.

Instead, it meant both of them staying up until the clock in Annie's room read that it was nearly three in the morning. It was around that point that Steve passed out in the chair next to her desk and Annie was only partially on the bed with her head and torso laid out on the carpet and her legs on the mattress.

Tag List (lmk if you want on): @dungeons-and-demodogs​ @nxncywheeler​ @ilovebucketbarnes​

[lisinfleur]

GUESS WHO’S BACK? WITH RANTS!!!

OOOOOOOOOK

This shit will contain A LOT OF SPOILERS. So, if you didn't see episodes 5, 6 and the trailers for 7, then... WTF are you doing in this fandom uh? GO - WATCH - IT!

Ok, later rants! I took some time away - that I'll explain soon! - but today I finally found a way to watch episode 5 and episode 6 of Vikings and now, the trailers with the goodbyes we just saw in my timeline. So, time to speak! I'll try to resume it because fuck! Things got huge too fast! So, let's start small...

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Dear Torvi Poor woman... She's passing through so much loss. Björn's betrayal, her first son, her second child, now Lagertha... Man, for the gods' sake! Someone please let me hug this woman! She needs it! And yet, she was wise enough to spit some truth on Ingrid's face... Torvi matured a lot from that child we used to think was so fluffy when trying to convince us she was Viking. She grew into a strong woman, able to endure things that many others wouldn't have with a whole mind. I have to clap my hands and admit that Torvi evolved into a whole new character and if there is someone to """replace""" Lagertha in this show, it will be her.

_______

Ingrid Speaking of replacements... Am I too cruel to say I laughed out loud of this woman at the docks waiting for Björn like that? The honey-dick attacked again and the girl is melting for him. Poor sucker... To be honest, from all the women Björn cheated on, fucked and let go like trash in this series, Ingrid is the only one who I won't feel a single drop of pity for. She searched scab to scratch herself and now I'll sit and watch as she realizes her stupidity. Know your crime, pay your price. That's what I have for her.

_______

Harald Or should I say King Harald? Man, I have to say: Harald was low. It was pretty low to manipulate things the way he did to win that election over Björn's favoritism and he stroke pretty lower by going there to provoke inviting Björn to be his counselor that drunken way of his. Even more to order the killing of someone who risked its life to save his ass when he was locked by Olaf, trusting the word of a man that he barely knows (Flatnose will be pointed here too... that bastard!). But once again... Am I too cruel to say I laughed OUT LOUD the whole process of election?? Man, it was HILARIOUS to watch Björn's teeth clenching to every single vote Harald had over him! It was ORGASMIC to see all that arrogance of someone who carries nothing but his father's fame in his shoulders being dissolved by noticing daddy's fame won't hold his back anymore! Ragnar's name is fading - despite he'll always be a legend - and whether Björn starts walking for himself or his papa's actions won't hold his butt up forever! And Harald did me the beautiful favor of kicking that white blonde ass to see if Björn will wake up and become the man he should have become since the first episode of this series (To the ones who don't remember, Rites of Passage was the mark of HIS DAY TO BECOME A MAN and receive his armring). However, I think Harald screwed up and got tangled up with a bunch of bad promises he will somehow have to honor. The thirsty man is drinking seawater and will end up dehydrated. It is better for Harald to find a way to manage the whole Norway, or else, the King of All Norway will end up in a pole, impaled, like a beautiful flag for everyone to see...

_______

Gunnhild She looks miserable in the next episode, but her acting was beautiful during the battles. I just wanted we had seen more of the huge Gunnhild we were habituated to see. I felt they kinda lowered her light to put the spotlights on Lagertha for the scenes and I can understand the need for it to happen, but Gunnhild was really pale in these episodes and I hope Hirst doesn't follow this thread to wipe her off slowly until there is nothing of our precious Gunnhild to be seen. She's too huge to be forgotten or changed this way. I hope it changes in the next episodes.

_______

Amma I hope someone takes care of the bruise in her face cause fuck... Things didn't go well for this girl. She was delegated "two" Ragnarssons to protect. Magnus is dead. Hvitserk is doing shit. Poor girl is in bad sheets here... But more than that, I really would like to see her slapping Ubbe's face or stopping him from treating her as a slave. It's only me, or did someone else noticed how the bastard is ordering her around as if she was his fucking maid? She would be, imo, the perfect person to throw some truth in this man's face cause man... He's needing a slap. OHHH HE IS...

_______

Kjetil Flatnose You freaking fucking asshole motherfucker bastard son of a bitch! There are no words in the human language to define how big of a bastard you are! Man, I HATE THIS GUY and I hope Ubbe does one single fucking shitty thing right in his pitiful and dismissable life and KILL THIS ASSHOLE! PAINFULLY! There is not too much to be said about this asshole. I just want him to die. Slowly.

_______

Now... let's start with the big ones, right?

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Ivar x Igor Once again, I cannot tell you guys the size of the love I feel for these two and their relationship. Everything they do together, no matter how dangerous is it, seems to be a big huge game and Ivar seems to be having so much fun beside this boy that I can only pray the gods it lasts forever. Igor brought back a side of Ivar that we weren't able to see in years! A good side that I was missing so hard! I hope this boy doesn't stab him behind his back, cause if he does, then it will be the end of the Ivar we know and maybe that serpent Hvitserk fears so bad will come out for good...

_______

Ivar x Oleg (plus Katya?) Is it my impression or the bromance is over? I saw lots of sadness in Ivar's eyes (a point for Alex! Fuck, the boy is good!!) but something tells me that Oleg is messing with fire and will end up veeeery burned... He's playing with a recent wound, making it bleed again with that brunette bitchy version of Freydis and something tells me that Ivar will bury Freydis' memory along with Oleg's and Katya's bodies. And this will happen pretty soon... If I was him? I would destroy that mausoleum in front of Oleg's eyes and say things like "It's good for you to watch it" while breaking his ex-wife's statue in tiny little pieces (using Katya's face like a hammer, of course). But I'll wait and see. Ivar's plans will surely be better than mine!

_______

Alex Yes, Alex, not Ivar. The boy deserves a whole topic only for him. It is not that I'm surprised, I'm not. Alex has been proving himself an amazing actor since he first dragged himself on screen as Ivar the Boneless for me. With Adrian and Jacup and Viktor and even that crazy-ass Liam, he already had proven himself a multitalented artist and a phenomenal actor able to conquer our hearts with any kind of character. But I have to point out that his expressions as Ivar are absolutely incredible! He can pass complete feelings and whole threads of thoughts without a single word! I can only congratulate him for such a beautiful job! The same goes for the actor who plays Igor. Boy... you rock!

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Björn More momma's boy than never, boy is being forced by the gods to raise his butt up from other people's backs and walk by himself. BEAUTIFUL! I cannot say how happy I am by seeing Björn finally being slapped by reality: papa and momma's fame won't hold your butt up forever, bitch! Grow fucking up, grow some fucking balls and go fucking make your own shit! And I'm not here saying he didn't shit in the whole series. He did, but all he did since this series started was under the weight of his father's name. Björn Ironside, SON OF RAGNAR. It was always something heavier than anything else in his life and now, whether he raises his own name before his blood history or he'll end up fading quicker than his shadow. Yes... shadow. Cause that's what Ubbe has become... I just really wanted him to stop this drama and to remember that mommy was murdered by one of his brothers who had THEIR MOTHER murdered by his mommy, so it was a fair death, a fair kill. No one should be allowed to punish Hvitserk for this especially because the woman would die anyway! Hvitserk shouldn't even be guilty of her death since Whitehair had warranted she wouldn't see a new sunrise before Hvitserk's hallucinations would end up getting his hands dirty.

_______

Ubbe Who the fuck are you and where the fuck is my daddy? I cannot say he was brainwashed. Who paid attention to the details will remember pretty well the scene when Ubbe, Hvitserk, and Sigurd were speaking right after Hvitserk arrived from the trip to the Mediterranean Sea. They discussed about Ivar's need for avenging their mother and Ubbe was clear saying they would have to kill Björn to reach Lagertha and that's was something he didn't want to do. Ubbe gave up avenging their mother as soon as Björn arrived in Kattegat. But there were better ways for him to show his will to avoid fighting his brother without adopting his stepmother and forgetting all the shit she did like that! He could have accepted fighting beside her with caveats, leaving clear he was there to go against Ivar not to support her. He could have left clear that he was there because of Torvi and Björn, not because of her. He could have rejected Lagertha without creating any problems within him and Torvi as long as he was able to put his own mind out through those beautiful lips saying clearly that he was giving up on the fair revenge because he loved Torvi and didn't want to fight his older brother. But no. He just forgot everything, started treating Lagertha as if she was his mother and now he'll bid her the farewell we didn't see him bidding to his own mother! What kind of an asshole does this shit? And for the ones who want to come here ranting about how shit of a mother Aslaug was, I would like to remember that she starting being a shitty mother AFTER IVAR WAS BORN! This means Ubbe lived THE BEST of her motherhood longer than ANY OTHER OF HER SONS! He had a fucking perfect mother and he didn't have the respect to keep himself away from her murderer once he chose to respect his loyalty to his brother and avoid killing her. I lost all my respect for Ubbe in this season and I cannot say I'll ever be able to really respect him again. Not only he left Margrethe to die (she was ambitious? yes. She was crazy? Yes, but she was HIS WIFE and HE SWORE THE GODS he would protect her!) but he abandoned Hvitserk when he most needed his older brother making himself unable to forgive a simple bad action when worse things were forgiven in his heart, he mistreated the woman that is beside him and declared to go wherever he goes for love by using her loving words against her to keep her from looking after her children's safety, he's mistreating and disrespecting Amma who's a free woman by treating her as if she was his personal maid and his brother's babysitter throwing on her the responsibility of taking care of Hvitserk that should be his own... Ubbe disappointed me so many times in so many ways that he must thank the gods he's played by Jordan and I love Jordan, otherwise, I would have no reason not to spit on his face at all!

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Hvitserk Speaking of pain, there is a picture of Hvitserk beside this word on the dictionary. Shit, he's so hurt, so pulled down, so ragged, so disposed. Poor him is walking around like a ghost himself! I wish so much Amma wasn't so afraid of taking pulse in this situation, but I cannot blame her. She fears she would fail and Ubbe would be harsh on her so she doesn't go further than calling Hvitserk's attention or his name to wake him up. But the truth is that someone should put this boy in its lap, hug him tight, and never let him go. The gods are being harsh on him breaking him in tiny pieces and offering him to Fenrir's jaw to be chewed. I really hope now that he fulfilled his "purpose", he can find a way out of this endless well of self-destruction or, at least, he can start walking for himself once again. It pains my heart to see my beautiful puppy like this. I hope he gets better from now on...

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Marco Once again, a topic for another actor that fully showed his talent here! I've seen other works with Marco, like Kriger and Fasandræberne, and his talent is undeniable, but the interpretation of a man in pieces he's offering us is really perfect! He plays with the scenes of Hvitserk's addiction amazingly not only showing the eagerness for more drugs but the perfect portrait of how this doesn't really change his fear or pain and even more the way Hvitserk keeps longing for more, searching for relief and numbness while hiding all those traumas behind his bloodshot eyes. Marco is a complete show all by himself and I can barely wait to see more of his amazing work around the world.

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And to finish... Lagertha I didn't like her. Everyone here knows I started disliking Lagertha when she cowardly killed Aslaug in a murder that shouldn't exist. There was no need for her to back shot Aslaug like that especially because that battle was won. Some understood that she gave Aslaug "safe passage" to find her son in Valhalla since Aslaug thought Ivar was dead along with Ragnar. But for me, there was no reason for Lagertha to go further and kill Aslaug like that especially when she could have used many other ways to get what she wanted. Yet, I always admitted and will admit until the end that Lagertha was a hell of a character: a shieldmaiden and a strong woman who could have a better ending after all. Despite the fact that I'm still here trying to figure out how did Björn reached the adult life with her TERRIBLE pieces of advice for children, she was a huge character and I think she deserved to die better than being murdered in the middle of nowhere like a homeless woman by a drugged rag of a man. She was a shieldmaiden. She was the most famous shieldmaiden of her age. She deserved to have died by that wound Whitehair made and her death should be more than just an emotional moment. Now her beautiful and epic fight with Whitehair will fade face to the anger Björn will drive towards Hvitserk. He won't learn from his mistake because, in his head, Hvitserk killed his mother and not Whitehair - who was her actual murderer. Lagertha was fated since she left that battle and Hvitserk was nothing but an accelerator of a destiny that was already sealed. She would die. He just made it quicker. We can even say if we look straight that it was almost a mercy kill. I didn't like her end but I have to say that battle against Whitehair was phenomenal so I'll close my eyes to the rest and believe she died strong and majestically after that fight, as the hero who saved that village from the bandits. And not like a homeless old woman, thrown like trash in the middle of the square, under the rain, murdered by a drugged rag of a man, forgotten in the middle of the mud. She was pretty more than just Ragnar's wife - so I wasn't touched by the words towards this. She was pretty more than just a woman... And I was expecting a better ending for her - and also, something better than hallucinations for Hvitserk to fulfill his destiny.

Let's see... Episode 7 is coming and I can't be more excited!!! The series is doing some shit, but it regained my excitation for good and I cannot wait for next week's episode!

[cassraven]

The Drama of WTF I never wanted this Holiday Season...

This is going to be one hell of spilling unwanted tea that happened in the last few days for me...it wasn’t welcomed by me with the holiday season coming this month but sadly, my toxic 2nd older sister decided to bring drama into our family and household lately...warning: It got ugly to the point where it left me in freaking tears, crying, needing emotional support from my cats, boyfriend’s hugs, and comfort from my Mum letting her know I had her back forever like she does mine...it seems like I’m the only child out of her kids who has her back lately.

The Tea: It’s quite ugly, so read at your own risk my friends...you might want to hug or cry for me man. It got that bad.

Two days ago, My parents were already home back from their road trip around the southern states. My sister’s birthday is the coming week, and lately she’s been drama wise always it seems finding any excuse or reason no matter how big or little to just want to argue/pick a verbal spat or fight with our Mother. (Their relationship has been like this ugly wise for a couple of years, for some reason my first older sister feels like despite having success with her life/education and high paying job as a teacher for a top grade school in our city that she’s the shit, with her type A personality/huge ego, and thinks she’s better than everyone else and has that major attitude of it, even at times talking down to our own Mother and mostly me as a the weird black sheep sister who is an artist with no real college major/future degrees/plans who will never amount to anything as great or ‘successful’ as she or our other sister who’s in law enforcement will. She’s the type that believes she’s always right, it’s her way or the highway.)

Usually, during my sister’s drama power trips of wanting to pick a verbal spat at or against our Mom, I am like my brothers or Dad, make myself scarce, try to ignore it, stay out of it or try to...this time, with this particular verbal attacking my sister was doing towards my Mom...in front of me and my Dad, I just couldn’t stay quiet, not after hearing all the crap she was saying at my Mom, and it was beyond messed up, some of the things she was saying and bringing up stuff and past arguements/fights from the past, blaming it all on my Mom, calling her a bad mother etc and I couldn’t take it. So I stepped in and told her to back off of Mom, stop yelling at her, to stop talking to her in that tone of voice like a grown adult would speak-talking down to like a child or like someone is ‘stupid’ or slow...we were all raised better than that by our parents to NOT talk to anyone more so our Mother like that. And there my sister was, talking to her, treating her like that. So who could blame me for stepping in trying to defend/protect my Mom? I told her to back off, was honest and told her the reality that the world doesn’t revolve around so-called perfect her, how could she berate and talk to our Mom like that when she’s always been there, been the best she could to her as a Mom, etc. and that she wasn’t right for acting like that regardless of her reasons why she was going at her like that...all over some stupid text message, claiming she didn’t send her the text about Thanksgiving etc when she in fact did, and it apparently “interfeared with her plans she had for her celebrating her brithday on the weekend instead of the week day of her birthday....yet for weeks prior, my sister never once told anyone of us in our family, or me or Mom about what she wanted to do even when we asked her so we could know concerning our own plans we had ourselves in our lives too....that’s what provoked her to go at our Mom, her damn changing schedule for her birthday...refusing to communicate properly like a mature adult would with their parent.

I got to witness my older sister, once again, talk down to-yell at-lecture-argue at our/my Mother when my sister brought up her "birthday plans" to use it as an excuse to hash out other arguments to start drama with her verbal spat wise. Like WTF? She got pissed off when I stepped in to defend Mom, and just verbally attacked me, said it wasn’t my concern or business and to fucking but out...well sorry but when it involves you or anyone attacking “our”, MY Mother like that and so cruelly, guess what...I’m stepping in to defend her against your negative cruel words of bullshit! She was raised better than that, our parents raised her better than that to ever be that cruel, rude, or mean or disrespectful towards anyone, especially my parents themselves! Yeah, it sucks having a sister who acts like that and then keeps claiming that she isn't like that when she truly is. Type A Personality much? Knowing that's what she really thinks/feels about me and my educational goals, doesn't support/believe in me...it feels shitty. She just lashed out at me, said I wasn’t even her real sister....a repeat of crueler words she used in the past last year of a verbal war fight she blasted at me towards my parents of some messed up crap....I’m adopted, was adopted from the time after I had been born; our parents, were my foster and later became my adopted parents, while my older sisters are actually their biological children...thus our age differences. We used to have a great relationship....until some things, issues and incidents in our family circle happened, and after a younger sister of ours ex-communicated herself from our family selfishly due to her own issues/being a liar/drug addict/hit my Mom, things changed and my older sister decided at some point to take shit out/see me as someone to just pick on, bully verbally, and just make the joke of the family since I’m different health wise, goth, feminist, riot-grrrl witch, the weird art spooky goth girl in the family....yeah.

So, after that and her saying her screw you, etc. to me and I left the room when my Mom asked me to just leave the living room, that it was okay, she could handle the crap drama my sister was dishing out at her, later messaging me in texts, thanking me for ‘Having my back and trying to defend me from your sister’s petty dramatics and spoiled brat entitled hellraiser attitude’. I thought, you’d think the whole arguement of what happened would be over and she’d later cool off and apologise if not to me, but to our Mom....you’d think that...

No chance...things took another turn...sadly. When my sister doesn’t get her way, things don’t go in her favor, or if anyone...ANYONE calls her out on her bullshit, her bullying on others, her whole her way of the highway, or even stands up against her....she will want to get even and resort to some lying and making herself look like the only victim. She manipulated the situation and lied to my other sister. My sister after yesterday’s spat, called my other sister (the cop/law one), lied not telling her the entire story of she had said leading up to me defending our Mother. She in return took bitchy entitled sisters side (as always), told Mom she does not want Want to see or hear from me period until “Cassie apologizes for what she said sticking her nose into ‘my’ sister's business! I don’t want to talk to her or see you guys for holidays. It’s your fault Mom! You all ruined our family Christmas!” So yeah, my sisters blame me for drama one of them started when all I did was defend our Mother verbally from one of them verbally attacking her and acting like an entitled spoiled bitch. And they say Mom and I ruined X-Mas, them choosing to act this way. WTF. My sister told Mom because of that she didn't want to see, talk to me anymore...nor want anything to do with me. There were apparently words of her saying I wasn't her "sister because I'm not blood". Once again both of them threw the fact that I'm adopted out, that I'm not family. How messed up is that? So yeah, this holiday season is looking to be somewhat shitty. My sisters suck. If that's how they want to be, feel and excommunicate towards me. Fine. I'll just ignore/turn deaf and mute towards them since they do this/treat me like this all the time anyway.

At least I can spend the holiday season spending it with my parents and with my boyfriend and his family who are so much normal and actually accept and care/love me.So yeah, that’s the tea...of crap that just happened...right around the week before my week of finals at college...and the holidays for me is just going to be a bit...tense and shitty somewhat.

[surveyyyys]

1. Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted? LOL see, I don’t believe in ghosts or evil spirits even a little bit. But I’m not about to be one of those dumb white girls in the horror movies LOL I’m staying as far away from haunted houses as I possibly can 

2. Do you prefer being around men or women? Are most of your closest friends male or female? What do you think makes male friends different from female friends? I definitely prefer being around women. A lot of my friends are girls, and I feel a lot safer around girls -- I think I can understand them a lot more, and girls just have their shit together, you know? I’ve never met a man who has as much of a focus on his future as most of the women I know do. I also really hate women who put down other women by saying that they’re “bitchy” or “complicated” or anything like that... it just makes it okay for men to say those things about us. 

3. Describe the most enjoyable dream you can remember having. What made it so amazing? What about the worse nightmare you have ever had? What made it so terrible? Unfortunately I don’t remember the happiest dream I ever had LOL. Maybe it’ll come to me later. I did have a dream that I was drugged, and being raped/sexually assaulted though. That was definitely the most terrifying dream I’ve ever had. 

4. How would you react if you found out, after marrying someone, that your mate had been involved in a relationship with someone of the same sex prior to meeting you? Would this change the way you felt about that person? Why or why not?

Definitely not! As long as they’re still attracted to women (ex. they’re bi, pan, etc.) and they still love me, I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. I mean, I would be a little uncomfortable the way anyone is when it comes to talking about their husband’s ex... but I don’t think the gender/sexuality of the ex would have any effect on it. 

5. How forgiving are you when one of your friends lets you down? Do you believe that everyone deserves a second chance? I am one of the least forgiving people, especially when someone does something to really hurt me. Honestly, I don’t even expect that much from my friends or from the people around me -- just don’t be blatantly rude, and don’t screw me over. I believe that if you can find it in you to be rude or to screw me over the first time, you can (and most likely will) definitely do it again. 

6. Do you think that advice from an older person carries a special weight because of their greater experience? Do you, as a young person, feel that your comments and advice have much effect on others? LOL I don’t think so. I’ve met plenty of older people who don’t know shit about shit. I definitely think it’s a part of my culture to respect older people because of their age/experience, but you definitely don’t have to listen to their advice. In fact, the advice that I took from older people often led me down the wrong path instead of the right one. 

7. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important for you to have people mourn your death, or would you rather them celebrate your life? What would you like said, and whom would you like to speak? How do you want to be remembered? Indian funerals are kind of structured so that people celebrate your life more than mourn your loss. It’s really loud and colorful and people’s spirits are kind of lifted even though it’s definitely still a really sad time for everyone. I don’t really like thinking about my own funeral and I don’t really see a point of thinking about it, since I’m never going to be there to see it. I don’t care how people remember me after I’m gone, actually, because it won’t have any effect on my life. I just hope that the people I care about are happy and that I’ve been a positive influence on them somehow. 

8. When you make a big sacrifice, do you tell others about it or keep it to yourself? Do you feel annoyed when your sacrifices aren’t noticed by others?

Lmao I’d like to think that I don’t ever mention it. But I’d probably talk about it a lot (not to the person I made the sacrifice for, but to someone else who I can be shitty around and not feel bad about it... most likely my sister LOL). I think it is annoying when my sacrifices aren’t noticed by others, but I’m not about to go up to that person and be like “NOTICE MY SACRIFICE” you know what I mean?

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? When you have children, is there anything you will try to do differently than your own parents did? 

Oh man. LOL. Honestly, I don’t blame my parents for raising us the way they did. They both grew up really poor and they were the youngest of huge families. So they really didn’t have any money or any resources. So when they had kids, they made sure that we could have any materialistic good we wanted, and we would never feel poor. But sometimes they would replace other kinds of support with money. Like my dad will buy me all the textbooks in the world, but he never really sat down with me and helped me with my homework. I can buy all the clothes I want, but I can’t wear shorts or tank tops in my house. My parents paid for my college tuition (which is amazing of them), but they essentially squashed my dreams of becoming a journalist and continue to try to push me into generic corporate finance roles to this day. I think when I’m a parent, I’ll give my kids more room to develop socially and a little more freedom to make their own decisions. I also won’t let any racism/homophobia get in the way of their love lives the way my parents’ racism/homophobia gets in the way of mine. 

10. Do you believe in any sort of God? If not, do you think you might still pray if you were in a life-threatening situation? 

Nope. LOL most of the time I forget that religion is a thing. Honestly, life would be a lot easier to handle if I did believe in God. 

11. If you became aware that, without a doubt, your mother was having an affair, what would you do? What if your father were to mention that he was going crazy thinking your mother was cheating? Would you tell him? 

LOL this situation is so unrealistic I don’t even know how to respond to it. My mom, no matter how little she admits it, is ridiculously devoted to my dad. She would never cheat on him. I think that if she cheated on my dad she would have a damn good reason... I don’t think I would tell him? I don’t know...

12. When was the last time you had really mind-boggling, intensely satisfying sex?

LOL. Last summer. I had just gotten out of my first relationship and I was sleeping with this guy that I met on Tinder. We had really good chemistry in bed, and I think he was the best I ever had. But also, he was one of the first people I slept with while I was single. I don’t think the sex would’ve seemed that good if I had sex with him today (after I’ve been with other guys and I’ve understood sex a little more). But because I was so new to the concept of having sex with whoever I want whenever I want, the sex seemed amazing. 

13. If you knew that your child was going to be born severely mentally handicapped and would die by the age of 5, would you have an abortion? Do you think that there is ever a situation in which aborting a child actually helps to avoid suffering? Absolutely. There is no way I’m putting myself or my child through an ordeal like that. I would not bring someone into this world if I knew that they would live a horrible and extremely short life. If I’m having a baby, they have to be a healthy baby or I’m getting an abortion and finding another way to have a child. 

14. Would you rather be very much in love with one person and have no other friends, or have a large group of supportive and loving friends, but never find your “soulmate”? Large group of supporting friends! People blow “soulmates” and relationships out of proportion all the time, but it’s really only one small piece of your life. There are so many ways to be completely whole and live a fulfilled life without romantic love. There are actually so many other forms of love too: familial love, maternal love, self-love, love of life, the love that you have for your best friends... you don’t have to be in love with someone to be happy. 

15. Is there anything that you find too personal to discuss with others? LOL a few different things. 

16. How old were you when you first had sex? Was it what you imagined it would be? Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have made it better? Do you think you would be better off if you had waited longer to have sex? 

I was 17 when I lost my virginity -- I think that was actually the perfect age. I think it was basically what I expected LOL. The first time was pretty unsuccessful, but then we tried again the next morning and it was pretty great. I don’t think I needed to know anything to make the experience any better... I was really comfortable with the person I lost my virginity to, and I knew a lot about the theory of sex from listening to my sister’s many hookup stories. 

17. Are you good at taking compliments, or do you usually shrug it off and act like you didn’t deserve the compliment? 

I think I’m good at taking compliments! I always say thank you and I try to pay a compliment back. 

18. Are you someone who enjoys sleeping snuggled up with your significant other, or do you need space when you sleep? Nah I don’t need space when I sleep. I like cuddling. 

19. Have you ever lucid dreamed? Would you like to, or does the thought of being able to control your dreams scare you? LOL I remember, back when my sister was in high school she was really interested in the concept of lucid dreaming. But whenever she would try to lucid dream, she would end up having sleep paralysis. It was a really scary experience for her, so she stopped trying to lucid dream. I think I would be more afraid of the sleep paralysis side effect rather than of actually lucid dreaming itself. I also just don’t find the experience enriching or interesting enough to put myself through sleep paralysis for it. 

20. If you were guaranteed honest responses to 3 questions, who would you question, and what would you ask? 

I think I would ask a future version of myself these 3 questions:

1. Where am I actually going to be in 10 years? (in terms of family, career, relationships, friendships, etc.)

2. Am I ever going to be happy/satisfied with who I am, and if so, when am I going to reach that level?

3. Was 2016 really the best year of my life, or is the best still yet to come? (I would not want to know when the best year of my life is going to be... I just want to know if it’s still in my future.)

[buckyscrystalqueen]

The Better Man: Part 3

Pairings: Jason Momoa x Reader

Warnings: Past cheating & child abandonment (Not Reader or Jason), angst, fluff

Word Count: 2,421

Part 1 / Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We gotta hurry!” You told Austin as you helped him make snowballs to attack Jason during your lunch break after your last morning of shooting. “Make them fast so we can win.”

“Go fast mama!” He screech laughed as he watched and mimicked you making snowballs to add to the small pile you had. You glanced up at Jason, who was only a few feet away and making loose snowballs as slowly as physically possible and smiled.

“I’m gunna get you.” He called out as he lobbed the snowball next to your son. Your little one screeched another laugh and danced from foot to foot in his spot as you moved him up in front of you.

“Alright, now you gotta throw it as hard as you can.” You told him as you made sure his snowball was packed tight enough to throw. Your boyfriend lobbed another snowball, purposely missing you and Austin and took a purposeful step forward on his knees. You counted down for your son and held onto his hips so he wouldn’t fall over as he threw the snowball. With a slight shift on Jason’s part, the snow hit him right in the shoulder.

“Hey! You got me!” He yelled as he made a small snowball and tossed it at Austin’s legs. It was loose enough that it didn’t hurt as it hit his knee cap, which caused Austin to break into a fit of giggles.

“Get him again.” You said as you held up the next snow ball in front of Austin. Jason shouted ‘no’ and pretended to ‘accidentally’ drop the next snowball as your son hit him in the cheek and ear with his next shot. You and Jason went back and forth, making snowballs and purposely letting the almost three year old hit you with them while Austin went back and forth on which adult he was hitting. You loved seeing the smile on his face and his laugh was absolutely your favorite thing in the entire world.

“Hey, stranger.” You barely glanced up at Jess, who usually avoided the snow like the plaque as Austin took the snowball from your hand and chucked it at Jason as hard as he could with a grunt.

“Well, well. Must be something big going on to get you out of sunny California…”

“Yea… um… you uh…” You stopped making another snowball and glanced up at her, giving her your full attention as she nervously danced from foot to foot. “Well, um…”

“Speak, Jessica.” You said as you stood up and wiped your gloved hands on your snow dampened jeans.

“Here. It’s from David.” Your brow furrowed as you looked at the large, already opened by her, manilla envelope she was holding out to you. You pulled off your gloves, grabbed the envelop and ripped it open as fast as you could. You scrambled to catch the checks that fell out of the envelop as you looked at the front page of the small packet of papers.

“You have gotta be fucking kidding me.” You growled as you pulled off the yellow sticky note sticking to the top of the front page that simply read ‘Now fuck off’ in David’s sloppy handwriting. You turned and headed back toward your trailer to call him, missing your best friend informing your boyfriend what the papers were for. You stormed into your on set home and snatched your phone off the counter as you glanced at the three, multi-million dollar checks in your hand marked ‘remainder of alimony’, ‘remainder of child support’ and ‘LA house sale’.

“What’d’ya want?”

“Termination of rights, David? Are you fucking kidding me?” You shouted as you threw the papers onto the table.

“No, bitch. I’m not fucking kidding you.” He said, obviously annoyed that he had to talk to you at all. “You and I both know I never wanted that kid and since you have your little boyfriend to raise him now, I don’t fucking have to anymore.”

“David this is your son!” You screamed as you pointed in the general direction Austin was in. “You don’t get to just walk away…”

“I just did you stupid bitch! Don’t you get it? Why the fuck do you think I show up drunk every time I come to get him? Why do you think I force you to call the cops every time I show up, huh? Because I don’t want him and I was setting myself up to be able to just walk away!”

“David, what the fuck…”

“Look, I just don’t give a fuck.” He said with a loud sigh. “Let someone who actually gives a damn about that little brat raise him because I sure as fuck don’t care what happens to him.”

“How the fuck can you be so heartless?” You inquired with tears in your eyes.

“Because I don’t love you! And I don’t love Austin! And there is not a damn thing in the fucking world that can make me love either of you! I’ll see you in court and I swear to fuck you better let me out of this bullshit or I will make your life a living fucking hell.”

“David!”

“Good bye, (Y/N)!” You screamed his name once more as the line went dead. With a shout, you chucked your cell phone as hard as you could against the wall of the trailer, shattering it to pieces. Without thinking about it, you began to scream obscenities through your tears as you threw glass after glass that were drying on the counter top against the walls in your anger. Jason came running into the trailer, ducked a glass, and wrapped you in his strong arms.

“He… he… he…” You shouted as he held you tight, refusing to let you go no matter how much you tried to pull away. He simply stood there and held you until you finally stopped fighting and wrapped your arms around his waist.

“It’s alright. It’s all going to be OK.”

“How could he do this to my baby?” You sobbed into his chest.

“Because he’s a selfish asshole.” You nodded weakly in agreement as your boyfriend moved you away from the broken glass and sat down on the ground. He pulled you into his lap and held you tightly to his chest. He let you sob, knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could say to make that exact moment any better. After an hour, when you had finally cried yourself out, he took a deep breath and kissed the top of your head.

“You should know, that even though that tool doesn’t want him, I do… for as long as you let me, I’ll happily be the father figure Austin deserves because I already love him as if he was my own. I mean… you know, if you want me too.” Tears welled in your eyes as you picked your head off his chest and looked up at him.

“J…” He nodded as you burst into tears.

“I know, baby. I know.” You nodded at him and wiped your tears off your cheeks as they continued to fall.

“Will you move in with us?” He nodded again and kissed your forehead.

“Yea, baby girl. I’d be happy to.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What is this?” Judge Sanders asked as he looked at the petition for termination four days before Christmas Eve.

“I want to give up my rights…” David tried but the judge simply held up his hand toward your ex as he read through David’s reasoning.

“I can read, Mr. Smith.” He snapped, causing you to bite your lip to hide your smile. “So what, you just think you can father a child and abandon it because you feel like it?” Your ex husband stuttered a bit as you stood a little straighter at the table next to him.

“I’m a danger to my son.” David said after a moment. “My ex wife can attest I’m a danger to her as well.”

“By the looks of it, you chose to be a danger to your family, Mr. Smith.” The judge said as he closed his file and looked up at him. “Now give me a good reason why I should terminate your parental obligation to your child.”

“I…”

“Sir, I don’t mind…” You tried but the judge held up a single finger toward you.

“I’m waiting, Mr. Smith.”

“I don’t want kids!” David nearly shouted as he gestured to you. “I gave her the child support I was supposed to pay in full. The kid is taken care of…”

“What kind of man are you?” Judge Sanders asked with a shake of his head. You quickly bit the inside of your cheeks to keep your laugh contained and forced yourself not to look back at Jason, who coughed to cover his own laugh. “Now, you listen to me. You made this child… Austin. You made this little boy and he is and will be your responsibility until he is eighteen years old. So for the next decade plus, you have to live with your choice to procreate. Your child has a right to have two parents no matter how shitty one of them is…”

“What if I adopt him?” You and David both whipped around as Jason stood up behind you. Tears welled in your eyes as he took a step forward to the table and cleared his throat. “What if I take on the responsibility of being Austin’s father legally so he has two parents that love and care about him and doesn’t have to spend the next fifteen years trying to figure out why his dead beat dad doesn’t love him.” You said his name softly as tears welled in your eyes. Jason simply glanced down at you with a smile and a small nod as he laced his fingers with yours.

“Ms. (Y/L/N)?” You nodded and wiped your tears off your cheeks with your thumb as you looked back up at the judge.

“I’m OK with that, your honor.” The judge leaned forward on the stand and looked at Jason.

“You understand that taking on this responsibility means that you will be responsible for Austin until he is eighteen years old. He will legally be your responsibility even if you and Ms. (Y/L/N) are no longer together.”

“I understand.” Jason said as he squeezed your hand. “I already love him as if he were my own and have two children who see him as a little brother. I will gladly take on the responsibility of making sure Austin is loved and cared for for the rest of his life no matter what happens between myself and (Y/N).” You could no longer stop the tears that fell as you leaned into your boyfriends side. He let go of your hand and put his arm around your shoulders as the judge sat back in his chair.

“I commend you, Mr. Momoa. It’s reassuring to know you are not just a superhero on TV.” You huffed a laugh and nodded in agreement as Judge Sanders shifted some paperwork around on his desk. “Gives me a whole new hope for society.” He glanced up at David and his eyes narrowed. “I assume you have zero opposition to this?” Your ex husband shook his head. “Well then, I will file the paperwork. You get your wish, Mr. Smith. Ms. (Y/L/N) and Mr. Momoa, you’ll receive your son’s new birth certificate and social security card in the mail within the next thirty days. Which last name…?”

“Momoa.” You said as strongly as you could despite the slight crack in your voice. The judge nodded and wrote down the change on the paperwork.

“Congratulations to you both. I’m sure now that Austin James Momoa will be one happy, loved little boy. Merry Christmas to you all.” He glanced up, angrily, at David as he signed the decree in front of him. “As for you Mr. Smith, I would suggest you never procreate again. I hear castration is relatively effective.”

——

“I have to tell you something.” You said softly as you laid in bed that night. You could feel your boyfriend’s hum rumble in his chest against your cheek as he shifted his head on the pillow to look at the top of your head.

“Tell me baby.” Jason said as he brushed his hand up and down your arm. You kept your eyes on his other hand, which was laced with yours on his fit stomach, as you brushed your thumb against his in the dark room.

“I can never, ever thank you for what you did today… but I don’t know if I want to get married again.” He stayed quiet for a moment as his hand stopped on your shoulder. Your breath caught in your throats and your stomach turned violently as you waited for his response.

“Can I ask you something?” You nodded against his chest and he carefully pulled you back. He turned on the bed and wrapped you in his arms with a smile. “Can you promise me that you will love me, better or worse, in sickness or health, no matter what? Can you promise me you won’t cheat on me and if the days comes where you don’t love me for what ever reason, you’ll tell me?” You nodded at him as a small smile pulled at your lips.

“Can you?” He nodded his head as he reached up and cupped your jaw in his large hand. He smiled as he searched your eyes and brushed his calloused thumb across your cheek.

“Baby, I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me I love you. I don’t need you to have my last name or need the big wedding, white dress, million guests bullshit to know I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, thick or thin, highs or lows… I love you. So if you’re OK with it, by the power that I have given myself and in the eyes of God, I’ll pronounce us husband and wife and that is all I need.” You smiled as he brushed away your tears as they fell.

“Well, I think you better kiss your wife then.” He smile broadly as you scooted forward and gently captured his lips with yours. He smiled against your lips and rolled you onto your back beneath him on the bed to consummate your ‘marriage’ for the third time that night.

Part 4

[thearcaneescape]

Chapter 10

The atmosphere at the bar was tenser than an over-tense guitar string. So, pretty fucking tense. Sugar hadn’t come in yet, which gave all of them a chance to talk about what the Min twins had told them. Which wasn’t much, really, just that Sugar’s past was a whole fucking mess of mystery.

“What are we gonna tell him?” Jungkook was chewing on his lower lip, cracked and chapped so badly that just one bite split them, a drop of blood swelling from under his teeth. “What even is his real name?”

“His name is Haru. I don’t know his surname, but he stopped using Haru when the bar started going down.” Jin was aggressively blending his contour, the poor brush losing fibers. “Other than that, I don’t know anything about him.”

There was an uneasy silence that was broken when the door to the back room opened, and a tall man walked in. He had cotton candy-pink hair, a much more faded shade to what Jimin used to have, smooth-clean undercut, razored close to the scalp. A golden-brown shade to his skin that was broken up by the black-line tattoos covering most of his throat and arms, which were corded with tight muscle, shifting under the skin as he pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the door to the back office. He hadn’t noticed any of them, on account of the sunglasses on his face and the heavy black headphones on his ears. They all watched him go into the office, the door closing softly behind him.

“Who the fuck was that?” Jimin broke the silence once more, looking at the Joon and Jin, who’d both been here longer than any of the others. Joon shook their head, looking towards their boyfriend, who was also in a state of shock.

“What the hell?” Jin stood up, a frown on his face. Everyone looked at each other, and Hoseok reached out slowly to touch Jin’s arm.

“What’s wrong? You know him?”

Jin didn’t answer, instead he just stared at the door to the office which had opened once more. The man walked out, pulling off his headphone and holding a series of papers in tattooed hands. He looked up and startled, papers flying out of his hands which had been brought up to his chin.

“Hello.” His accent betrayed his upbringing, posh and well-enunciated, even through just one word. “I did not see you there, how fucking blind am I?” He pulled off his sunglasses, tucking them into the front of his shirt, giving them a glance at the tattoos on his knuckles. The word “LOVE” in black gothic letters, and various smaller tattoos dotting his fingers. He squinted slightly, before flicking himself on the forehead. “You forgot your contacts, that’s why you’re fucking blind, Edward.” A raised finger and he was back in the office, giving everyone time to turn to look at Jin, who had stopped frowning and now had his eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, I do know him.” He looked at everyone around him, bewildered. “What?”

“You’re not gonna elaborate on that?” Taehyung raised his hands slightly, staring at Jin from where he was sitting. Jin opened his mouth to retort, when the door opened once more and the man stood in front of them once again, a pair of circular wire-rim glasses on his face. He looked around, an amicable smile on his face.

“I don’t think we’ve ever met, but, that would be my fault. I don’t come down here as often as I should, so, uh, first things first, my name is Edward Dayton, but I would prefer if you could call me Day.” He stopped looking around when his eyes landed on Jin, his mouth half-open as he pointed a finger at him. “But I do know you. You’re Kim’s youngest son. Holy fuck, you’ve grown.” Day’s eyes had gone from tired to wide, pleased shock on his face. The silence had returned, making Day look around. “What?”

“You’re Sugar’s partner?” Jimin blurted out, making everyone turn to look at him, some in reproach and one in happy ignorance.

“Yeah. Been together fifteen years now. Not without its problems, of course, but when you come from the same circuits as we did, you have to expect some kind of backlash. I myself was disowned, and my poor boyfriend was sued by my parents. Not fun.”

The frown on Jin’s face was back, and he raised his hands to stop Day from talking. “Wait, is that why the bar has been doing so poorly? Your parents sued Sugar?”

“Well, yes. They, apart from believing he had corrupted me, thought he was using my trust fund money to run this bar, when in fact he was using his inheritance, but apparently there was “evidence” that he’d been using my parent’s money, so they sued him for almost everything he had. He lost his inheritance, his day job, and his family.” Day was very animated in the way he talked, obviously upset but high-energy.

“And I thought my parents were off. Holy shit.”

“But enough about the horrors of the Dayton clan, what are you doing here? Last I saw you, you were 10. How?” He motioned wildly up and down and around the space, almost comical in his gestures.

“Same story, except my ex wasn’t sued.”

Day nodded sagely, crouching down to pick up the papers he’d let go when he startled. “I gotta get these to Haru.” He straightened up and gave them all a short salute, and walked out of the dressing room.

“So how do you know him, again?” Joon turned to look at Jin when the door closed, arms crossed.

“He’s the middle child of the Dayton family. My father does business with them. Company dinners and all that. I’ve met almost all of the Dayton family. Three daughters and one son. Maybe that’s how he met Sugar, seeing as he said something about an inheritance.” Jin had sat back down, pulling out his eyebrow pomade. “The only other families I remember being at those dinners were the Rylands and the Oishi family.”

“So is it a common thing? Disowning kids?” Jimin was wringing his hands. “Were they religious families?”

“Some of them, yeah, but most were purely raised conservative. If you look for the name Kim Seokjin or Edward Dayton on any family records of either of our families, we’d’ve been expunged ages ago.” Jin stopped outlining his eyebrows, a small frown on his face. “Speaking of the Dayton family, I think their father was military-turned-CEO.” A soft chuckle escaped his lips. “The man got into a fight with, ah what was his name, Hiroji, I think, over the Oishi family’s charity work. I didn’t understand it at the time, cuz I was 10, but they were pretty supportive of LGBT rights.”

The silence in the dressing room had returned, and disgust was churning in Hoseok’s belly. What the hell was wrong with families like Day and Jin’s? Disowning their children just because they were born a certain way?

-

The third time Hoseok saw Yoongi was at the café where he worked. The elder was dressed like a pastel nightmare once more, a soft pink jumper with a black peter pan collar, large enough that it covered his hands, which had pink nail polish decorated with cartoony black drips. He was standing behind the counter, so Hoseok couldn’t see what else he was wearing, but the jewellery around his throat and on his face was enough to solidify the pastel nightmare. His septum ring was the same pink one he’d worn to the club, and his labret hoop was pastel pink to stand out from his black lips. Grey bangs were parted slightly to show off pale forehead and smudged pink eyeshadow with heavy black liner, a pink teardrop-shaped jewel stuck underneath his right eye. The ear jewellery was different as well, pastel pink tunnels with little golden hearts hanging underneath the tini 3D roses that decorated the edges.

“Hi!” Hoseok smiled brightly at him, his mood made 100% better by just seeing him. Yoongi breathed in slowly before smiling back, and Hoseok could’ve fucking squealed. It was a wide and adorable gummy smile that changed the tired demeanour around the elder, and Hoseok wanted to see more of it.

“Heya. How’ve you been?” A soft blush spilled onto Yoongi’s cheeks. “I-I mean we saw each other two days ago, bu’, something might’ve ‘appened, so, uh.”

“It’s ok, I get what you mean. It’s been ok, only Jungkook has been staying over a bit more than he used to before and the walls are pretty thin in the flat. What use is paying for a room on campus if he’s not using it?” Hoseok chuckled, unzipping the front of his jacket. He was very dressed down, having left the flat to make his way to the dance studio. Grey track pants and a red hoodie over his burgundy tank top, red hair pulled back by a black snapback.

“Oh, fuck, man. That’s shitty, bu’ I get what you mean. My sister and her girl are just as bad.” Yoongi drummed his fingers on the counter, standing on his tiptoes. “You want something to drink?”

“Oh, fuck, yeah, ah, I’ll have an iced caramel macchiato and a scone with raspberry jam to go. My shift at the studio is starting soon and I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

Yoongi grabbed one of the clear cups and the black marker, quickly writing down his drink order and his name, before handing it over to the other employee. “You got a sweet tooth?”

Hoseok shook his head, pulling his wallet out of his hoodie. “Nah, it’s just for an energy boost, really. It’s a two hour shift, teaching a dance class and then it’s going back home and hoggin’ my sister’s Netflix account.”

“That sounds like a better idea than what I had. My shift ends at five and I was planning to go to Forbidden Planet and seeing if they’ve got a book I’ve been searching for.” Yoongi had packed Hoseok’s scone with a little glass jar of raspberry jam, the brown bag placed on the counter in front of Hoseok. “Maybe get some food afterwards.”

“Oh, man. Nah, your idea sounds loads better, don’t worry.” Hoseok opened his wallet, looking up expectantly at Yoongi. “So how much?”

Yoongi started a bit, having unknowingly been staring at Hoseok’s face, skin just a tad more golden-brown because of the sunny episodes they’d been having in London. “Oh, righ’, um, it’s four pound and 64 p.”

Hoseok handed over the money, grabbed his brown paper bag and started walking away to wait for his coffee when he heard Yoongi clear his throat.

“Uh, if you want, you can come with me to Forbidden Planet and we can get a bite to eat after, or something.”

He turned to look at Yoongi, who had a soft pink blush on his cheeks that matched the pink jumper he was wearing. Warmth spilled through Hoseok’s chest, but also the anxiety of even thinking of the invitation as a date was threatening to overpower. “I’d love that.”

[cactigratitudelove]

Cacti, Gratitude, and Always Love.

As I write this I find myself filled with so many emotions that I can hardly figure out what I want to get out or what I want to say. Do I even want to say anything any more? Do I even feel anything matters anymore? When I created this page specifically to start a blog about my last year in Tucson, I created it with the intent of fulfilling out my AZ/Tucson Bucket list while also spreading the love I have for Tucson and its community. It was before my last few markets of the season, after I decided to get a newsletter going for my website and then before I left last week for my AZ camping trip to the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, then solo dispersed camping in Flagstaff and Sedona. I figured I’d have this great time to finally get some nature, breathe, step back and figure out my next steps in Tucson before I leave to NYC next spring. 

My nine year old nephew passed away suddenly wednesday night. 

What was life like before this nightmare I find myself currently in?

Before all this, I was going through eight months of sobriety from Alcohol, trying to find spiritual guidance, dealing with financial issues, trying to adult as much as I could while also trying to find balance with family and friends. I realized I was being a hermit as well. I am not known for being a hermit. The Adela I know is social and doesn't let fear stop her. Fear of being financially stuck, fear of taking on work and then not get paid like I have experienced twice this year aleady, both by local companies in the community I really enjoyed and believed in. I noticed I was also supplementing food in place of binge drinking. I binge(d) on food, Netflix and somehow still kept doing the work towards goals knowing things would get better if only I was more focused on work and less on myself. Or maybe less on work and more on myself. I’ve done sobriety before, why is it so much harder this time around? I stopped going out. I decided to continue not dating since being back in Tucson from my Alaska summer. (This was more so that I can find balance within myself again). I found myself hustling like I do. Trying to create and get paid for it. Taking on as much as I could to pay the bills while also picking up shifts at the bar. It might seem like I have my shit together from the outside but on the inside I have no idea wtf I am doing. I’m just trying to learn as much as I can from other people that are doing what I want to do but I keep finding myself lost, stuck and then fear takes over. Tucson has been wonderful to me so I of course feel the guilt that if I leave, I leave my home, support system and friends. I’ll leave a place I am passionate about and yet if I don't leave I’ll never be able to financially support myself in the arts the way I want to. I keep thinking, “Someday, if I can just get enough regular clients, creative work and income to pay the bills, keep a roof over my head with clothes and to travel on a frugal budget to support my inspiration for the work I do then I will have made it.” This is what success would mean for me. No fancy cars, no condo or property, not even a love of my life by my side. I just want to be able to support myself and my dreams in the most minimal way without financial stress.  

These were all my concerns, fears, and selfish thoughts before I found myself here. 

On Monday May 21st, I and my family buried my nine year old nephew. The Wednesday before he had been playing, enjoying life until he no longer was and left this world in a way I can't help but hurt for him. I can't imagine what those last moments were like but I would hope that he knew that he was loved. Braxton was loved so much. Hearing the news while I was in Page, AZ I still couldn't grasp what had happened. I kept thinking that I would wake up. That I was still in my shitty sleep and life would be okay again. Life is not okay and it won't be. Not now anyway. On my trip back from Page, Thursday after I heard the news from his Tia who was at the hospital the night before, I kept thinking of ways I can do my part to help my family, the guilt I had for not seeing him as often as I wanted to, or even just sometimes brushed off and thought I’d just see him another time when I am not as busy. The last time I saw him was on his birthday in February. Its been killing me that it wasn't sooner. A seven-ish hour trip back home. A seven-ish hour trip of mindfuck, “If only I had a car to pick him up when I wanted. If I had stopped taking on too many things I could have seen him more. I should have been more patient with him. I should have been more present with him. I never got to take him out on a one on one outing that I wanted with him.  I didn’t get to say goodbye or that I loved him since his birthday. I should have...” Everything else went out the window. I needed to be there for my sister, my mom and the rest of this family and his. I needed to be strong. To put in the work where I was needed. And thats what I did. My back from the trip ‘To Do’ list went from emailing clients to emailing a best friend to proof read a child’s obituary. I created the Prayer card, obituary, and helped type up a eulogy for my sister, his Auntie to read. I helped pick out his flowers and clothes for the funeral. These tasks are unlike any other. 

The heartbreak, anxiety, sadness, loss is truly unlike any feelings I have ever felt in the 31 years of being on this earth. You expect death to happen but you don't expect it to happen to a child. Your own nephew, grandson, brother or son. God didn’t give us time to accept this. Didn’t give us time to process this. He was taken from us. Just like that. 

Mi familia is a big family. I have seven siblings. Five of them have kids. Four of their kids have kids. And that’s just within the immediate family. If there is one thing that god was showing us, is that this family is strong. This family is everything to one another. This family comes through when the time comes. This is the first our hearts have been broken in such a way. My sister’s son was like a son to all five sisters. We all had our love and stories to share. We all set our differences aside and showed all the support and love. My sister lost her son, we may never know that exact pain but we do know that we love her to the moon and back. She is everything to this family. We all are everything to this family and I saw that clearly this week.

Braxton’s support system is not only through immediate family (His Dad and  dad’s family is also just as loving and supportive) but also through the community. There’s a GoFundMe page created for his funeral starting at $9,000 and it raised over $11,000 and still going. I reached out to the community on FB and even found that my own friends and friends of friends in Tucson, Florida, California, etc gave what they could in support of this family. My best friends, co-workers and even the lady at Fed-Ex whom printed the obituary, cards and photos were all super supportive in ways I didn't know I or my family needed. And for this I find myself with more gratitude in life than I have ever thought I did. I am so grateful and appreciate every single text, comment, call, and hug. My love for the Tucson community and online community will always be great.

Throughout the most difficult time I have ever experienced, I didn’t drink. I wanted to be sober and present (although I felt zombie-like). At the service I mentioned to one of my sister’s, “This, right here is the moment I want a bottle of vodka. I big fucking bottle of vodka. No other time, just right now.” I had seen my nephew and said good bye. He was so cool and stylish with his cute outfit we picked out for him with the Avengers t-shirt showing through his dress shirt. I wanted him to wake. I wanted him to just be sleeping. I wanted him to call me the face painting lady again. I also wanted to drown this away with a bottle. I wanted to join others and partake in numbing the pain. But I knew that black outs weren't the only reason I become sober nine months prior. I wanted to be a better person for myself and for others. My best self for my family and friends. For my munchkins. I wanted my nieces and nephews to see their independent, hustling, Tia sober and some day go on adventures with. To be an example for them. To know and share the struggle for them so they wouldn't have too. To be a good example, a mentor, a supportive friend. The only way I can be those things is if I abstain from alcohol. 

My landlord sent me a text the morning of the funeral with a photo of a blooming Queen of the Night Cacti. Just one that bloomed in the night. With the photo the text read, “The Casita had a visitor last night... your nephew came by to tell you he is ok. I also saw a palomita underneath the flower...” My favorite cacti flower. It blooms at night and only lasts through the morning. I miss you Braxton. I miss you so much and love you, always.

This blog will be as I intended it to be but it will also not be the same as I thought it to be. I am not the same I thought I’d be driving back home to Tucson this week. I do not have the same heart I once did. My family, my sister, my ex-brother in-law, and nieces, sisters of Braxton will never be the same. The world, to me, will never be the same again. I hurt and I know I will need to get back to work and life because I am sure it carries on just the same but today, right now nothing matters to me except my thoughts of missing him and wishing I had more time. 

[determined-multimuse]

👨‍👩‍👧-Aaron you say

Ah, yes, her ex-mistake. Folding her arms across her torso, Kaya sharply exhales. 

“…so you wanna know about my ex, huh?” Like many of the things and people in here life… where to start is always the question. Frankly, she’d rather avoid talking about him every chance she gets. But the inbox has to be appeased, and it’s not like Frisk is around at the moment anyway…

Kaya huffs, her arms folding tighter as her glare grows sharper from the ugly, distasteful memories coming back to her again, as they always do.

“…Okay, sit down and shut up, it’s a long-ass story, and I’m only gonna tell it once.”

“It all started with a stupid teenager doing stupid teenage things because her parents were terrible at their jobs and knew nothing about having a disabled kid,” she starts with a slight sneer. 

“I came out of my mom’s snatch kicking and screaming, and stayed kicking and screaming for years. Then, around elementary school, they introduced ABA therapy. I was emotionally and mentally abused all through elementary and middle school, and became a terrified, depressed shell of a kid who would do, say, and repress anything I had to just to make my parents happy. So they wouldn’t yell at me or grab me or take away something vital to my mental health.”

“Then high school came around, I’d just hit puberty, and I decided I’d had enough to being bullied by my own parents, my teachers, and the other students, and I became an A-grade bitch to everyone. Just to try to give myself control and empowerment in my life, I went from one extreme to another. I was a dumb, emotionally repressed teenager who jumped back to being a rebel, so I did a lot of shitty things. I had anger issues, was violent, and hung out with a lot of bad kids. I didn’t bully anyone, really, but I got into a lot of fights and only barely avoided getting arrested from vandalism and underage drinking a lot. Smoke weed a lot too. I was a rotten kid, but… honestly, it felt better than letting people grab my hands, shake me, yell at me and push my around… I was 14 and stupid, sue me.”

“Yeah, I make it sound like Aaron was one of the bad ones, but he was actually one of the only decent kids in high school at the time. He came from a pretty well-off family and kinda took pity on me. He wasn’t scared of me like some of the other kids, but he didn’t really pick a fight with me either. He was a good kid at the time, or at least that was the impression I got as a dumb, naive fourteen-year-old. He was nice to me, gave me rides home when I felt scared to call my parents, hung out with me, got me out of weed, booze and crime, talked to me, listened… He was good to me. Not sure whether that was genuine and he turned into an asshole or if he was always an ass trying to get into my pants, but it doesn’t matter. He’s a dick now.”

“I fell hard for the guy, being the idiot teenager I was. I was convinced that he was an angel there to save me from my shit-hole situation. Needless to say, we… did the deed. A LOT, actually. And finally, of course, we conceived Frisk when I was 15, had them when I was 16. Of course my parents weren’t happy, but that worked out for me because I hated them at the time. Was under the mindset if they hated it, I was doing something right. But even my grandmother, who was the only other decent person in my life, was voicing concerns about how fast I was jumping into things. And… like a dumbass, I ignored her. I was…”

Her glare finally falters and her face falls. As dumb as she always remembers she was in hindsight, she could never deny that she really did love the guy back in the day. At the time, he’d saved her, as far as she was concerned…

“I was in love… I… really thought he was my soulmate. So… I moved in with him after Frisk was born, and at first, everything was just great. I just stayed home with Frisk while he went to work, and we got married a week after I turned 18. But… once we made it legal and I was actually tied to him, things… started changing.”

“He never wanted to actually take care of Frisk. They were like a cute commodity to him; he never wanted to feed them, change their diapers, put them down for their nap, or look after them after daycare, it was ALWAYS on ME. Which I mean, fine, I didn’t wanna work and was controlling and protective over Frisk. But he never picked up the slack at home, he just went out to work, went drinking with his work buddies, and came home with dinner eventually.”

“And it just… got worse. No matter how stressed or sick I was, he’d never pick up the slack. He just enjoyed the perks and fun parts of fatherhood without trying to put in any actual work. Which I always justified with him being the breadwinner and being tired all the time. But when we learned Frisk was autistic when they were three…”

“He completely. Fucking. Abandoned them. All of a fucking SUDDEN, he had zero patience for just about anything Frisk ever did. Completely ignored them, got impatient with them whenever they started stimming–which, you know, I got onto him about. We fought a lot, and Frisk would always start crying because he’d convinced them our marriage problems were THEIR fault! Because I wasn’t going to let him snap at Frisk over shit they couldn’t help as a fucking four year old!”

“He deteriorated over two years’ time since we found out Frisk was autistic; he did his best to be good to me despite his mental shit, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with Frisk. He was a pathetic shitstain of a human being. He started coming home late, getting drunk, we fought just about every goddamn day, and he kept getting onto Frisk, trying to make them be like me. ‘Your mom was like you and she learned how to be normal, why the fuck can’t you listen and learn to be normal–’ Like, asshole, do you even know me?! Since when have I ever been normal?! All that shit he sold me about accepting me as I was turned out to be bullshit.”

“I tried so hard to make it work, I tried to patch things up between me, Aaron and Frisk for years… I’d always been able to wrangle him in whenever he started yelling at Frisk, help them sort things out, and most of the time, he’d apologize… but the second he actually put his hands on them - grabbing their hands to make them stop stimming when they were crying, hard enough to bruise them, just after they turned five - I shut the whole thing down right then and there. I knew where this was gonna go and I wasn’t gonna see it through with Frisk. I wasn’t gonna let Frisk go through a worse version of what I went through.”

“In hindsight… I should have shut everything down when he started neglecting them. That’s just as much abuse as putting your hands on a kid is… but I was delusional. I was selfish… and wanted to make my relationship with the man he used to be work. But no matter how much I may have still loved him… I wasn’t gonna let him put his hands on my child a second time. Yeah, we fought physically and we damn near killed each other… pretty sure I scarred Frisk with that, but… ya know. I won, and now that prick knows better than to show his face around me or Frisk ever again.”

“There’s… a lot I should have done differently back then; a lot I should have done for Frisk’s sake. I know I wasn’t the best parent in the world for them at the time. I put my relationship before their wellbeing at the time, even if I didn’t realize it, and to be honest… I’ll be ashamed of myself for that ‘til the day I die. It shouldn’t have had to escalate to physical violence for me to wake the fuck up and get Frisk and me out of there, but it did…”

“So… it’s just me and Frisk now, and even though I had to step up and find work out of nowhere, start being the breadwinner AND the child rearer while still having shit support from my ‘told-you-so’ing family… we’re better off without that asshole in our lives. I know there are a lot of people who… might be better for Frisk, as a parent, but… I still wanna do the best I can for them and their future little sibling now that I know better.”

“And if that prick shows up again, this baby’s gonna have to deal for five seconds so I can suplex the dickweed. Not that he really would, he already only begrudgingly pays child support, but… ya know. Always good to be prepared. So yeah. I hate my ex’s fucking guts and I was an idiot for ever marrying him.”

“The end. Any questions?”

[trickormemes]

HBO’s Girls starter sentences

season 6, part 1 of 2 episodes 6 through 10 187 starters feel free to change gender pronouns ‘read-more’ added for length content warning: cussing, sexual themes

"_____ broke up with me. Can you believe it?"

"Holy fucking shit. _____. How did this happen?"

"Stop fucking with me."

"I can't believe how supportive you're being. This is a shock."

“Okay, I take back what I said about you having your shit together, because this is fucking insane.”

"What the fuck did you just do? That's a rental."

“You know what? I can’t do this right now. I’m feeling really overworked. Sorry.”

“I’m tired of being exploited.”

"I see what you're doing. Do not change the fucking subject. You're not getting out of this."

"Fuck money!"

“You used to be a dream come true.”

"I cannot believe that this is my fucking life."

"What are you doing today?"

“For the record, I don’t think you’re gonna be a terrible mother. You’re maybe not gonna be the best, but you’re certainly not gonna be the worst.”

"What you said really scared me."

“I don’t want our friendship to end. I need you in my life. I need you in my child’s life.”

"I wanna be in your child's life. I just don't think I'm gonna be a very good influence."

“But our kid’s gonna have great skin and be the right kind of slutty.”

“To be clear, I’m not offering to pay for anything.”

"_____ will not stop calling me."

"Great, you're stalking me now? That's very three years ago. I appreciate it."

"Why are you avoiding it so hard? It's not a big commitment."

“I’m avoiding it ‘cause I’d literally rather do anything else. Like I would prefer to eat my own arm.”

"Why are you pushing me?!"

"I need you to tell me if it's real."

“Great, our relationship amounted to very painful memories for you. Such soothing information.”

"Don't you wanna stop carrying around all the baggage of our failures?"

"I'm not angry. I have moved on."

"_____, will you talk to me, please?"

"Oh, _____, don't be such a prude."

"Well, you are basically an hour late..."

"_____, you're lucky I came at all."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

“What happened to you?”

"Are you fucking high?"

“_____, you should really know what a high person looks like by now.”

"Nothing about his life projects the idea that he wants a child."

"Anyone who’s buying leather gloves after 6:00 is clearly a goddamn murder."

"My whole life... My whole life is… is gone. I had one bad moment and… and now it's gone."

“Jesus, man, you’re fucking good.”

"Why didn't you call me?"

"Do I really have to answer that question for you, _____?”

"Regardless of everything that happened, you are still my dear friend."

"You can't just detach yourself from a relationship. Unless you're some kind of psychopath."

"I don't care what you think and I don't care about your feelings 'cause I don't really care about you anymore, _____."

“Alright, so… how’s this gonna work then? What’s the plan?”

“Everything we did together happened, whether you want to believe it or not, whether you want to remember it or not.”

"You can't just erase people. You can't just erase me. That's not how it works."

“I did not know what a good time was until you came into my life.”

“I mean, even if you're amazing at something, that doesn't necessarily mean that you should do it, right?”

"Who are we if we don't stick to our commitments?"

"I think you make me feel too good."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

“I break things, _____. It’s what I do. It’s why I avoided you for so long, ‘cause I didn’t wanna break you.”

“But this, now… so perfect, it scares me a little.”

"The only time I've ever felt perfect is when I'm with you."

“I wish we could stay right here, forever.”

“I am sick and tired of everyone acting like unrefined sugar isn’t sugar. It’s the exact same fucking thing.”

"If it hurts, you'll always remember."

"Why is your ex trending so hard on Twitter?"

“Ew. Now I get why you finally dumped that sexy creep."

“_____, why are you looking at your phone?"

"That was amazing. You wrote that, right?"

"Do not let another homeless woman in here, please."

"She was fun. You know it."

"Look at your sad little outfit."

"Fuuuck! My whole day is fucked right now! What the fuck am I supposed to do?“

“I feel like I just chugged a bunch of Robitussin or something.”

"I'm gonna have my eye on you, even when it seems like I don't."

“I come from a long line of women who choose terrible men, but that’s ending now.”

"Everyone in my family is fucking lying garbage."

"What the fuck! Did you just roll your eyes at me, _____?"

"I'm not leaving until you tell me why. Why'd you do it?"

"I'm what you've been needing."

"You're afraid he won't support you."

"It just sounds so much sadder when you try to defend it."

"You need to stop checking on your ex, man. He's gonna get to your head."

"Good dick is a prison."

"Everyone said it was, like, so important. Now I feel like maybe it was a mistake."

"I don't even believe in mistakes. I really don't."

"I wanted it to be easy and it was easy, so I guess it's just a little sad... how easy it was."

"What are you crying about?"

“Ugh, man, you stunk up the joint.”

"I wish I was younger so we could hang out and it's not weird, but... it feels weird."

“There’s nothing but places to hide in this city.”

“There’s nothing like a public shaming to make you realize what’s really important.”

"You can't fuck with me anymore, okay? I'm ‘unfuckable’ now."

“You don’t owe me anything, and I’m really sorry that I thought you did.”

“This isn’t something I wanna have to tell you. I know you’re gonna be pissed as fuck, and you should be pissed.”

"We have a lot of history that we can't seem to erase. We can't let each other go, as much as we try."

"Is there anything you wanna say to me?"

“Look. You gotta do what you gotta do."

"Why would I do that? You haven't done anything wrong."

“I don’t know, it’s just that conversation with _____ really fucked me up. I've been thinking about it so much."

"I'm starting to feel like I was a little naive thinking this was all going to be so simple."

"Let me know when it's safe for me to leave my house again."

"I miss you, and I miss being with you."

"Let me show you who I've become."

"I don't want to be away from you any longer."

"Excuse me! Do not air quote at me!"

“I’ll cut your ass!”

“That was unnecessary, how loud that was.”

"Do you think I'm weird?"

“Okay, two sips in and I’m fully soused, if I’m keeping it real.”

"Would you rather live in an ugly building with a view of a gorgeous building, or in a gorgeous building with a view of an ugly building?"

"There's too much history here. There's too much good stuff for us not to try."

"What's it like to fuck _____?"

"So now I know why you want to be with me. Just to make sure I don't fuck everything up."

"I don't want you..."

"I'm just excited to get out of my own fucking head for a while, you know? Aren't you?"

“What was it about you that he fell in love with?”

“What’s the rest of your night look like?"

"It's really fun hanging out with you."

"Would you object greatly if I kissed you?"

"Lust fades and friendship never does if you nurture it."

"Do you need something?"

"You are a fucking hot shot."

“Your science will not protect you.”

“This is the greatest city in the world.”

"This place—it's just too hard to make a living here."

“What’s important is we agreed to live here and suffer and be miserable in this godforsaken rat hole together.”

"Hey, you wanna come sleep with me?"

"Will you sing to me?"

"I had to unfollow her on Instagram. It's too much negativity."

“I’m trying to figure something out and I really need you.”

“See? That’s why you’re my best friend.”

“I don’t want that in our apartment.”

“I mean, can’t someone just tell me exactly what to do, but in a way that makes it seem like it’s my idea?”

“Look! I stole these!”

“Wow, it’s—it’s really wild to see you. We did not know, uh, if you were alive.”

“Life’s so wild, isn’t it?”

“Go. I release you like a bird, like a wild bird into the night.”

“I have an actual problem about actual life.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?”

“Well, I stopped by to see you, but it seems I maybe picked a bad time.”

“You had a party and you didn’t invite me?”

“What the fuck is going on? Why didn’t you answer any of my calls all day?”

“I didn’t want you to feel left out.”

“So, um, basically, you’re gonna act as if you invited me?”

“Not you, and not now. Not in the mood.”

“Okay, you know what? I can’t handle this right now.”

“Can you tell me what this is, what we’re doing here? I don’t understand.”

“We are not going to throw randomized grenades of hostility at each other. Okay? We’re gonna be the adult women that I know we can be and say what we’re feeling.”

“I’m feeling extremely shitty about not being invited to _____’s engagement party.”

“I’m feeling like I would like to go one place without being treated like I’m a jezebel or a witch.”

“I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the fact that we’ve allowed our friendship to reach this place of aggression and isolation.”

“If you don’t mind, I would like to take a step back and say that this is the reason that we can’t hang out together anymore.”

“We can’t hang out together anymore because we cannot be in the same room without one of us making it completely and entirely about ourselves.”

“I have come to realize how exhausting and narcissistic and ultimately boring this whole dynamic is. And I finally feel brave enough to create some distance for myself.”

“On my way over here, I saw a man take a shit in the street.”

“_____ was right. She was right about everything.”

“Can you stop being so dramatic? I mean, have a little perspective.”

“Get the fuck out. I need the room.”

“It’s okay, I’m fine. You don’t have to say that. I’m really fine.”

“Um, well, I think it turns out that I wasn’t as ready to help people as I thought. And I just needed to take a long, hard look in the mirror, as my mother would say.”

“Oh, um, I got you something, actually.”

“I don’t know how the fuck that happened. I haven’t really processed it.”

“I’m sorry. Um… I am sorry… for everything.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, it’s okay. I mean, it’s like—I mean, it’s not okay, but it’s, like, I don’t know who’s really supposed to be sorry for what, so at this point we should kind of just call it a… Like, say it. It’s okay.”

“Our best was awful.”

“_____, what the fuck?! When did you get here?!”

“I’m here. I win. I’m your best friend. I’m the best at being your friend. I love you the most.”

“Promise me you’re not gonna give up, okay?”

“There’s a reason they call breast milk ‘liquid gold.’”

“_____, can you really stop?”

“_____. I’m asking you to stop and I’m asking in a nice way.”

“You think you’re the first man who rejected this? Well, think again. You’re not being very original.”

“You know what, you’re being kind of a fuckhead. You’re being kind of a little bit of an asshole.”

“Do you even have a nipple? Because I’ve known you a long time and I actually don’t think I’ve seen it.”

“Every time you say ‘nipple’ a fairy dies.”

“You know what? Your, like, desire to be part of this is actually starting to feel really perverse. I feel, like, very objectified and I just would like some privacy.”

“John Stamos has not aged a single day. It’s insane. And, like, why is this man a bachelor?”

“He hates me. I don’t know what to say.”

“But this is reality. It’s happening now. And you suck at it, okay?”

“Why are you following me? And why are you judging me and putting words in my mouth?”

“I don’t understand why you’re yelling at me when I’m in emotional pain.”

“I don’t understand, _____. You didn’t say it was gonna be this hard.”

“Have the last few years looked easy to you?”

“Sorry for trying to help.”

“God fucking damn it. Men are disgusting.”

“Sorry I walked in on you beating off.”

“Hey. Are you happy here?”

“I don’t need to be happy.”

“You’re a fucking monster!”

“So, you ran away because your mom asked you to do your homework?”

“Run as fast as you can, okay? But life is gonna chase you, it’s gonna chase after you with problems you can’t even imagine.”

“I guess it’s time for me to start figuring out what’s next.”

[whatevenis2016-blog]

Please just kill me already.

Basically every aspect of my life sucks rn. Work is horrible and gets worse and worse everyday. I can't stand it and I just want someone to call me back so I can get out of this hell hole. It's so funny tho this one girl gets to work 45, 50, even an hour late every single day and my boss doesn't seem to care and I get to work everyday on time and then I change into my work cloths there and clock in like 3 minutes late. But do you know who she gives shit and bitched about behind her back to other employees? Me. Not her. She literally doesn't appreciate the fact that I basically run her store and shes never there. And she takes weekends off and gives the girl who's always late weekends off and this guy every Friday and Sunday off but won't give me or the other girl who actually do shit at work any weekend days off. Ever. I ask one weekend off a year, for my birthday. And she still Give Me Shit about how hard it is for her to make it work without me being there. Oh wow. Go fuck yourself. Like really. I don't care how hard it is for you, it's your business not mine. It's not my problem. Like if you can't make it work with the people you have, maybe you should fucking hire more people? And not just have like 6 employees.... And about a million other reasons why working there is complete ass. My mother hates me. And no I'm not exaggerating, not even a little bit. Here are some direct quotes from my mother, all completely unprovoked and completely out of the blue:: "you are a psychopath" "maybe I should keep calling your bitch of an employer" she's trying to get me fired bc I refused to see her on my birthday "you're off your meds, you aren't wearing your retainer, you dropped out of college. You're living in an unhealthy environment" my doctor took me off my meds bc I'm doing better, I stopped wearing my retainer bc it's been ever a year since I got my braces off, I'm taking ONE semester off bc my whole fucking life is imploding around me and an way too stressed out and overwhelmed to handle school on top of all my other problems. "Your father said he was going to kill me" complete lies bc she's mad my father got custody of me when I was a child. "maybe C***** didn't stab you in the back she just didn't like how he was treating you" and ex friend of mine treated me like shit and tried to break me and an ex up and then tore apart many other friendships bc she's an insecure person but she wants me to believe I was the problem not other people. "your dad doesn't want you to succeed" "it's time to grow up and stop blaming shit on me!!!!!!!" "You only text me when you're angry" " I tried so hard with you" "I wasted XXXX$ on your braces" she tried to take my father to Cort and force him to pay for braces but because she was thousands and thousands of dollars behind in child support they made her pay for them, not to mention doing things like that are what you're suppose to do as a parent not bc your child 'deserves it'. All those are just text messages she's sent me resently. I'm currently 21 and she still owns me like 33,000$++ in child support. She doesn't even work, she sponges off the government. The money she gets from the government every month is more that my father Earns every month. And my dad is able to out food on the table, buy clothing for me and then some but she's not even able to buy anything more than bread and ramen noodles bc she spends the rest of her money on drugs and alcohol and other stupid shit (like smart phones she doesn't know how to use and DS3Ds as soon as they are released and again doesn't know how to use. All for herself I might add). She has completely treated my like shit for my entire life. When I was younger I used to believe I deserved it bc I was just a shitty person but after seeing a good therapist, I know know she's mentally ill, refuses to get help and just projects all her issues and anger onto me. She tells me I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I'm mentally retarded and would never graduate high school (even though from 11th great until my junior year or college I got all As and Bs except 2 classes I really struggled in), she would tell me I don't deserve love and I would die alone. Day in and day out for absolutely no reason other than just wanting me to feel horrible. If I wouldn't do simple things like dishes or taking trash out she would threaten me never to take me to a doctor or dentist again (which incase you can't figure this out for yourself is sick and twisted) you should ground your kid of a weekend not refuse medical attention. She's woken me up in the middle of the night, knocking me out of bed and kicked me out with no explanation. Once I was out with a friend and came home probably around 11pm and she had locked me out of our appartment and wouldn't let me back in and I had called my dad but he was asleep so he didn't answer, so I just waited outside in the hallway until the next morning and rode the bus to school. One of the first therapists I had told her she can't keep treating me the way she does (keep in mind my mother would sit in on my appointments and do most of the talking herself so it wasn't even just me spouting out a bunch of shit, it was just from the words spoken from my mother). On the way home she told me how horrible I am, how I was the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I deserved all the bad thing possible to happen to me. There have been times when she was mad at one of my brother's (she has 2 other sons, my 2 half brother's) and she would take her anger out on me (bc they didn't live with us) she would tell me it was my responsibility to step up and take her shit, that's what it meant to be 'part of a family' what it meant to be 'an adult'. Does that make sense to you? If you're mad at someone but they aren't there...That you would yell and a completely unrelated person simply bc you were mad...? Bc that's what it meant to be a family...? No. It doesn't make sense. I've literally seen my mother do something and then turn around a yell at my brother like he did it. She's so fucked up, she just can't stand it when there isn't drama. The last time l lived with her was my senior year of high schoool, in the middle of the night she tricked me into coming downstairs telling me she was hurt and needed help. When really she was shitfaced drunk, she told me how sick of me she was, how she couldn't stand me, how she didn't want to take care of me anymore. She had a hand full of several bills all in my name, all way past due, that she didn't pay or give to me, that were ruining my credit bc they were unpayed. Just to fuck me over. And then kicked me out. It was like 1 in the morning. And after I left, within the next week she was pissed as all hell that I refused to come back. She had kicked me out several times in the past and I was forced to go back bc I was under 18 but this time there was absolutely no reason for me to go back. She wouldn't stop harassing me she called and left so many messages in 2 weeks it filled my entire voicemail. I didn't even know that was possible. But it is. They were all telling me I was a shitty person. I had to get a whole new phone number bc of her. What a great mother right? And she literally cannot wrap her hear around why I want nothing to do with her. And on top of all of her shit my brother's are so brain washed they believe it's okay for her to act the way she does and are MAD AT ME for not wanting to interact with her. They literally try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see or talk to her. Like the way she acts in in no way, shape or form okay for a parent to act. And the fact they think I should PUT UP WITH IT is fucking ridiculous. I have literally told my one brother story's of what she has does and all he says is "you should really call and talk to mom". Like wow, I can fell the love. I can tell my mental health is important to you. And currently I have been having some serious issues with my insurance. I need to be enrolled in school to get my insurance benefits and I guess this year my shit got messed up and they never received my enrollment info. So for like the last 3 months I've been trying to get it straitened out with problem after problem after problem. And several hours sitting on call waiting with my insurance. Currently I'm emailing someone from college trying to get enrollment verification forms. So I emailed the lady saying I needed help for the fall semester of 2016 and explained my whole problem to her. The spring of 2017 I'm taking off bc of personal problems and she already knew that bc I've already talked to her about it. All she replies with "you're not currently enrolled". I was so pissed and crushed. She clearly didn't even read my email. I have dealt with her before and I have friends that have dealt with her, and she has never been anything but a cunt. And I don't genuinely say cunt as a insult but she's a cunt. Like what even is her job but to help students?? She has either not helped me or given me so much shit in the process. If you fucking hate your job so much that you treat your students like shit, you should get a new job. Like are you serious, I am thousands of dollars in debt to my insurance that I don't owe bc my shit fell through for a stupid reason. And it's affecting my credit score bc I don't want to just pay for it and potentially not get replayed.... And a couple months ago my father had surgery for cancer and isn't working. So with my shit job where I don't even make the minimum wage, I'm trying to support us. And right after he had his surgery and I accidently broke my finger. All in the finals week of school. So I was trying to finish final projects, study for finals, being torn apart hoping my father would be okay, wanting to go out of town to visit him in the hospital and then not being able to bc I broke my finger, and missing several days of school and having to make up finals. All while having my work issues too and being expected to work way more hours than I could physically and mentally handle but doing it anyway. Just being torn apart in every direction possible and having no one care... And since my father's surgery I've had to drive him 2 hours our of town for check ups since his surgery and when I ask those day off from work my boss has the audacity to give me shit about needing those days off even though she knows full well why I was asking them off. I literally hate my life and wish I was dead. Like all of my problems are bc of other people, things that are completely out of my control. Like I try so hard to fix shit and nothing gets better. My entire life I've tried to bend over backwards trying to make my mother love me but she just hates me more and more everyday. No matter what I do or say my boss never takes me seriously or respects or appreciated a single thing I do. No matter who I talk to or what I send nothing changes with my insurance. Can someone just kill me.....

[theartofblissfullydrowning]

Day One: Part 2

I ended this year ready to start the fuck over and have a new start to everything. I wanted to be what he would have wanted me to be. He was tired of seeing me suffer and I was as well. I was tired of constantly struggling emotionally, socially, financially, and mentally. I wanted things to be better for myself and so far, almost 20 days in, they’re shaping up that way. I have a lot of new beginnings opening up for me right now. My medications help with my moods and motivations. I’ve started exercising and trying to take better care of myself. This is part of that. I cut off social media because it was doing nothing but causing me harm and serving as an unhealthy distraction. I wanted nothing more than to just feel free. I’m getting there. 

The one hang-up is Bryan. I fucking hate him so much sometimes. I wonder where I would be now if he wasn’t around. So many people have told me to “get out”. Friends have been concerned and I know every time the cops get called they sit there and wonder why they’re here again and why I still am. I do, too. I need to stop letting myself have too much sympathy. I need to put better boundaries in place. I need to stop taking care of people who take advantage of me. He emotionally and financially abuses me and uses me and that’s been going on for quite some time and yet he accuses me of doing these things to him. He refuses to get help for his issues. I deserve so much better than this. I don’t deserve this at all. It’s hard not to give in to the things he screams at me sometimes and not give into his temper tantrums and acting out but I feel like I’m at a place where I can separate that from myself. He can call me a liar and say I’m using him all he wants. It’s not true. I just hate when he tries to sit there and threaten suicide because he knew how much it affected me when Kyle did it. He knows that’s my one huge weak spot and he exploits that when nothing else seems to work. I’m tired of it. I don’t deserve that either. It’s the ultimate form of disrespect. I can’t believe anyone would do that to another person. And he knows how scared I get when he starts punching walls and breaking things. And yet he still does it because he can’t handle his emotions and has no other coping skills other than smoking weed and being passive aggressive towards me. I cannot express how much I want to leave or what him to leave. More than anything else I want him to go. I still care about him as a person but I can’t keep letting myself and my life suffer the consequences of me ‘caring’. It’s a bit selfish because I don’t want to be alone but it’s the opposite of being selfish because I do so much more for him than he does for me. And then he turns around and complains when he has to do dishes or other things around the house. He turns it around and makes me feel like shit. He has been helping me in small ways like going to get me things from the store but honestly if I had to I could do that, myself. I think he enjoys the codependency. I really don’t anymore. I just renewed the lease with him and I felt stupid as shit for doing it but there really wasn’t another choice. I just need to step up my boundaries and not let him step on them anymore. I’ve already gotten to a point where I can not take anything he says personally as cruel as it can be sometimes. Part of me wishes someone can just come and rescue me from this situation, but it’s mine and mine alone and I need to be the one to do it. 

And that brings me to something else. The budding new relationship I have with Joel. He’s such an impressive person. I feel a little intimidated by it but he doesn’t seem to think any less of me. We talked about our ways of coping with feeling inadequate. He pushed himself to achieve things, I pushed myself to help other people because of my martyr complex. Sadly, I don’t have as much to show for it as he does. Part of me is like “go for this and stop hesitating so much on someone who seems to be what you’re looking for” but the other part of me is anxious and wringing my hands, not because I don’t want to be hurt, necessarily, but more because I’m just terrified and nervous about things not working out in person. Both of us have said we need a friend more than a lover right now but I can’t help but be attracted to him for who he is as a person. It really saddens me that he feels so incomplete and unhappy and empty sometimes and the nurturing person in me wants to rush in and cling to that and make him feel better but that’s what’s gotten me into a lot of shitty situations before, especially the one I’m in now. My goal needs to not be to support or help or fix him, even though I never want to fix people, but to be there by his side so he doesn’t feel alone. He says he doesn’t have empathy but I think he does. He’s shown that to me. I’ve felt it. And he enjoys the company of empaths. I don’t think because he abuses it, but because he enjoys experiencing the warmth. When I told him what I wanted to do with my life he told me I wanted to do what his mom does. Do I remind him of his mom? He doesn’t really compliment me much on my personality or tell me what he admires about me. I get that he does, though. He just doesn’t speak it much and it’s something I like to hear because I need the validation. I hate that I even need validation but I do sometimes. But when I told him I needed someone in a “daddy” role he immediately took that on but not in a sexual way like people use it these days. He knew exactly what I needed. Someone to help guide me and scold me for not doing the right thing, encourage me to do better, and tell me that they’re proud of me. It meant a lot for him to tell me he was proud of me for working out and putting forth the effort. That’s all I want sometimes. Validation and someone to tell me that they’re proud of me. I don’t know why I need it because I’m proud of myself, but it sure is nice to hear sometimes. The fact that he could do that in such an effortless way and really seemed to understand what I need without me saying much really says a lot. I’m sure I could tell him that I need validation sometimes just in who I am and what I’m good at and what he likes about me and he’d be there to do it without much effort. He seems like the type to want to please others. He wants to be a husband and a dad so it seems like he’s looking to build something valuable. I think at this point I am, too, even if I’m conflicted about having kids. I think both of us are on that “not right now but eventually” mentality. 

I’m just so worried though. What if he sees me and it’s not what he imagined? What if he sees my teeth and is immediately turned off and thinks it’s a deal breaker? I’m so insecure about it and don’t know how to explain it so I just don’t but I want to. Sometimes I’ll bring up that insecurity to people but I also don’t because I don’t want them to really pay more attention to it and I can hide it pretty okay for a while. And what about him? I’m not sure. I always sit there thinking “Well I don’t really like his beard at all” and I’ve told him about it without trying to be too rude. He looks so good without it though. But is that enough for me to just sit there and disregard everything else? Would that be some strange thing that I would be too superficial about and lose attraction to him for? And his hair is thinning a but I think? But is that really an issue? I sit there and think about it and stop myself and think about how ridiculous I’m being when I do that. He’s still attractive. I’m still attracted to him as a person. I can’t let stupid little nitpicky details get in the way of someone I’m confident might be a good match for me. I’m just so nervous. What if there’s no chemistry. What if he’s compulsively neat and finds my lack of organization repulsive? Or my teeth? There’s just so much riding on this right now. He seems to be the type I want and I know we haven’t talked for long, a little over two weeks, but non-stops. He loves metal and that’s not my thing at all. His sense of humor is cheesy and kinda lame at times. But what about the physical chemistry? I’m just so afraid this isn’t going to work out. I feel like I’m already at a point where I’d be a little heartbroken if it didn’t but also I know we said both of us need a friend way more than we need a lover. But I know if we sit there and figure it’s not going to work that we’re already at a point where both of us will always have that little seed planted in the back of our heads about each other. We’ve both sat there and talked about our experiences with that tonight. We’ve already made so much of a mental and emotional connection. I don’t feel like if we somehow end up as just friends that that bond will be broken. I feel like he’s someone I’ll have around for along time regardless of how it goes, but I know if we take a step back now or step further in and back out too soon that there will always be that thing in the back of our heads. It’s in our personalities. I don’t want another situation like i had with Kyle where both of us are just dancing around it forever, just like he said he was doing with his ex. 

I already have this stupid wild fantasy that we’ll end up getting married and having kids and I know that he probably has that too by the way we’ve talked. When I said I had a dream that I was pregnant and had a daughter he said “what did we name her?” even though I said nothing about him being involved in it. We’ll have a pretty house and make dinner for each other every night and lie with each other and fall asleep every night. We’ll go out on adventures and do nerdy stuff. Have a Viking themed wedding. He’d absolutely be the doting father when I’d be pregnant and run out to get my cravings in the middle of the night and hold my hair back as I puked. He’d be so excited. He’d constantly have a hand on or be talking to my belly. He’d absolutely spoil our child(ren) (if I can even have them, I don’t know.) 

That’s another thing that worries me. Maybe I won’t ever be able to have kids. With all the risky shit I’ve done I haven’t gotten pregnant since that first time at 18 that I terminated. Who knows what the fuck else has happened since then and I’m getting older so it’s becoming less and less of a chance as I get older. I know having kids is one of his biggest dreams. It’s been something always on the backburner for me, maybe even as a defense mechanism, but I do want them at some point maybe. I think I’m just so overwhelmed with life as it is right now and my own mental health (and he is, too) that I just tried to convince myself I didn’t want it. Maybe I do. Maybe when I find the right person I will.

I really want this to work out. I want to be done with this whole “getting to know people” bullshit. I want to be done with failed relationships. I’m getting too tired and old for this. I want something to stick for one. In a way, it’s like trying to get pregnant and failing over and over and over again and you start to wonder what’s wrong with you. What IS wrong with me? Why does everyone I’m with end up having some mental breakdown at some point? I feel like I suck the life out of people. As much as I try to be the one to give them strength and help them heal. 

But Joel and I are meeting up on Sunday for the first time and there’s so fucking much riding on that i feel. I’m so fucking nervous. I really want for everything to fall into place and for it to feel as comfortable as it is when we talk through text. I know my wish that we meet in person and suddenly it feels like home is unrealistic and obnoxious. I want to get over my stupid superficial bullshit. He has a beard, yeah, but what is that in the long term? What is it to me other than something that’s not my preference? It’s something he has pride in and that’s something that I should respect and appreciate about him even though it’s not necessarily my taste. Is his hair thinning? Maybe. Is that something I should judge him for? Absolutely not. His hair is gorgeous and I absolutely love long hair. It’s just an imperfection just like I can’t help my hip dips. (I could have helped my teeth though, and that just makes me insecure as well.) I shouldn’t write someone off for such stupid shit. He IS attractive even though he might not cross of everything on my ideal physical quality list. It’s not a reason to consciously or subconsciously write him off. Kyle was absolutely handsome but something with us just didn’t really click that way. Maybe Joel isn’t the most photogenic person or takes bad selfies but I can tell he’s still very attractive and I think who he is as a person is incredibly attractive and the type of person I’ve always wanted. That’s why my gut says “go for it regardless of how you feel about those stupid things”. I mean, I loved to death a guy with bad acne, a guy with bad psoriasis. It didn’t stop me and that’s nothing like this. I just need to stop being so stupid and superficial. He seems like an amazing partner from what I can tell so far.

And god, the fact that we both have herpes and got to avoid that whole awkwardness. It was such a relief. Neither of us has to feel insecure or embarrassed about it.  

I feel like I’m thinking way too much about this. But that’s just how I am. I over-analyze everything. 

What we have right now is so delicate. He’s someone I can talk to all day every day about anything, really. We make each other laugh, we open up to each other, we encourage each other, we both have our roles which seem so effortless. He seems like a caring protector and I am the soft and delicate creature who needs protecting and he loves that and so do I. But then I’m the nurturing one when he needs a soft place to lay his head. Both of us have been very open from the beginning. He did tell me he felt like I was understanding and wouldn’t judge him. I am and I don’t. That;s what I need to remember. He said I am not judgmental and I shouldn’t be. 

I wonder how the “first date” is going to go. I kept saying “don’t forget the flowers” and “pixies love flowers” hoping he’d pick up on it and maybe bring me flowers. I don’t know why I want that from him. I never asked for that before or planted the idea in anyone’s head before. But part of me is wishing he would bring me flowers when he comes even though I know it would probably be lost on him. On second thought, I do have flower tattoos and he did mention that the other day. It would mean a lot to me but it’s not something I’m going to put a lot of thought into. It would be great if he put forth the effort and listened but if he didn’t then that’s okay, too. I let him decide where he’s going to take me and what we’re going to do and he’s okay with that. That’s a really nice thing.

But so much of me just wishes we’d feel comfortable with each other and he’d take me back to his place where we could be alone and that he’d just hold me. I need that so much, especially after everything I’ve been through in the last year. Just someone who cares and feels safe to hold me. I don’t have to question his intentions at all which is a blessing. And fuck, how he’s always telling me he wants to make sure I feel comfortable with things, whether it’s where we go and what we do or when it comes to being sexual in person. He just wants to make sure I’m comfortable. That’s more than I can say for anyone else. I want to wait with him for a while and do things right this time. I don’t want to create that false intimacy. I don’t want to skip steps. I want it to be sweet and innocent and a build up for once. Even though we’ve seen each other naked in pictures both of us have said we don’t want to jump into things. 

Speaking of which, I hope things go well and he asks me to be his girlfriend. I would totally say yes. I don’t want to be the one to ask though because that hasn’t gone well for me in the past. And he seems to have a bad track record as well. Both of us just want things to work for once. I have a good feeling about this. But then again I’ve had a good feeling about a lot of things that ended up terribly awful. I just want this to be it. I’m so done with everything and he has so many qualities I look for in someone but I haven’t seen him at his worst. I haven’t seen him when he’s angry. I haven’t seen him when he’s upset. He hasn’t seen me when I’m drunk and crying and making myself puke from it. 

I feel like I need to cry for some reason and I don’t know why. I’ve felt like that a lot lately. For several different reason in several different moods. Why do I want to cry over this situation? I don’t know. Probably a mixture a feelings. How am I feeling? Hopeful, charmed, blessed, intrigued, appreciated, but also nervous, anxious, and like all of those feelings of disappointment from the past are coming out to tell me “it’s not going to work. I don’t know why you think it will. You’re going to hurt yourself again. Good luck!” But then I also want to cry out of relief and happiness that I got a job I wanted so much and I feel like I have some sort of direction.

With my new job I’ll have some sort of respect for myself again in a financial sense because I’ll be able to have health insurance again. I’ll be able to afford things like nice food and treat myself to things. I can buy gifts for people. I’ll feel comfortable paying bills and won’t have to stress about it all the time. An the company seems amazing to work for. 

Maybe I want to cry because things are so different from where they were a few months ago when I was hopeless and at rock bottom. 

I just really hope things work out. 

I want to come out of this with a good and stable job I enjoy, a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband, and a father to my children. I want stability. Happiness? I might not ever find that, but contentment surely seems like a possibility if things continue on this same track. 

[awkwardsha]

Suzanne aka Lola “The Session”

                                           By: Shawnice Renee

                 Dr. Lee sat at his desk skimming through his files for his next patient that’s coming in. he had a disturbed look on his face, not due to the files but towards something different. So lost in deep thought when the telephone rung he jumped a little and knocked over his coffee.

“Shit! Got dammit!” Dr. Lee was now caught in-between cleaning up spilled coffee and answering his telephone. After a few rings he finally picks up the phone.

“Dr. Lee’s office, Dr. Lee speaking.”

“Terry?” On the phone it sounded like a loud irritated voice. Dr. Lee immediately threw his head back in annoyance.

“Sina, and what reason do am I receiving a call from you today?” Dr. Lee asked with lack of enthusiasm.

“Why didn’t you tell the judge about your secret account?” Sina asked.

               Dr. Lee and Sina have been going through a bitter divorce. After 10 years of being married. Sina decided she wanted her life back. She complained how all she do is sit home cook, clean, and chase after their daughter. She also complained how the sex wasn’t good anymore and he works too much. Dr. Lee chalks it up to her asking for a life she truly didn’t want. So now they’re going through this divorce battle and she’s money hungry, throwing accusations of a secret account.

               He didn’t have the patience to deal with his future ex-wife shenanigans.

“Sina what the hell are you talking about? There is no secret account for the last time!”

“Yes, you have one ad I’m going to find out. Best believe Terry I’m going for every penny I can get.” She snapped back.

“Why do you have to have to be like this? We did at one point love each other, when did this become about money?”

               Dr. Lee was not only stressed out but in disbelief that the woman he once thought he would spend the rest of his life with, has now become an enemy. Sina carried on the phone trying to get Dr. Lee to fess up. When Suzanne walked in saving him from furthering the bad argument that was occurring. Right then he found a valid reason to hang up on his future ex-wife. Fighting to get a word out his voice grew louder.

“Look Sina- would you just let me-…listen I have a client we’ll finish this with the lawyers present next time!” Click.

               Suzanne could see she had just walked into something real personal. She slowly walked to sit down on the couch as she patiently waited for him to acknowledge her. Dr. Lee fixed his tie and cleared his thoughts, he felt he needed a moment before he started his next session. Then finally a flustered Dr. Lee spoke. “Hey Suzanne, I apologize for what you just witnessed.” He said as he grabbed a pen and pad. Being completely understanding, Suzanne shrugged it off like it was nothing.

“Dr. Lee we all have our fucked-up problems.” she responded back

“Ok then! Let’s get started, shall we? Where did we last leave off?” Dr. Lee immediately flew back into his zone.

“We left off with my shitty ass father.”

“Oh, right your father… can you remember the last time you spoke to him?

               Suzanne rolled her eyes and put her back. It’s been some time since she spoke with her father and with her that time hasn’t been missed.

“It’s been a while…” Suzanne responded. She never had much to say when it came to her father. Dr. Lee wasn’t already in a good mood. He was hoping that maybe she might want to cooperate with him today. But he knew this was a touchy subject and it would be quite a task.

He then proceeded, “You guys are estranged from one another. Did ya’ll have a close relationship?”

“No, he spent most of my life in jail and then when he was released he chose to be around his other kids.”

“He has other kids?”

“Yes, I have one brother and three sisters.,”

               Dr. Lee began writing stuff down in his pad the more Suzanne talked. He started to ask more questions. “And do you feel hurt? About your father’s rejection?”

               Then Suzanne answered with a stone-cold look on her face, “No.’

Dr. Lee was writing in his pad when he stopped to look at Suzanne. He grew a curious look his face as his eyes tipped over his glasses. “Why?” he asked.

               Then Suzanne answered, “My father has been missing most of my life. There isn’t necessarily a…it just isn’t a need for me to be upset. Look I’m paying $200 per session, I really don’t want to spend it discussing him.”

“Well I’m going to be honest and let you know he would’ve been brought up eventually.” He reminded her.

               Dr. Lee and Suzanne have been doing well in their sessions together. They both felt Suzanne was coming a long way with opening up. Unfortunately, discussing her father is something totally different for her.

“I know I just don’t like talking about him. It’s just a waste of words and breath.” Suzanne paused as Dr. Lee stared at her. Her father wasn’t the most supportive, loving father. She resented him for a lot of things she felt she finally came to peace with. Bringing this all up again will warrant unwanted emotions she isn’t willing to deal with again. But something just sparked her to speak.

“My dad is a very selfish man… We never had a relationship when I was a child. As I grew older though, we tried.”

“Do you care to share a story that backs up your claims? Only if you feel comfortable.” He didn’t want to force her into opening up. He wanted Suzanne to feel comfortable about what she chose to share.

“Umm I guess I could…” The room became quiet as Suzanne thought about what she wanted to say. It’s been so long she had to dig deep into her memory bank. Suddenly, one story popped up which made her continue. “I have one”

               Dr. Lee put the pen down and removed his glasses to signal she had his undivided attention.

“All right Miss. Dandridge I’m listening”

“It was the first time we met, well as an adult at least. He was already released from jail and he thought it’d be nice for him and I to go out for dinner…”

               Suzanne stopped for a second to chuckle as she began to put everything back into retrospect.

“…That night he made me feel like a little girl all over again. I remember ransacking my closet trying to find the perfect outfit. It was weird I found myself trying on all these conservative dresses I only wear for interviews and church…and yes Dr. Lee I went to church for like a hot minute.”

“Really? Why’d you stop going to church?”

“Long story…”

“Oh, ok then, so did you wear those clothes because in his eyes you wanted to appear still as daddy’s little girl?”

“Yeah I guess so…I mean it was an exciting moment for me. At 21, I finally got to reunite with my daddy. My mom, I could tell she was hesitant but wouldn’t come in between us trying to meet. I arrive at the restaurant trying to see if I could spot him but of course he was late, 30 minutes late to be exact.

“What was going through your head as you were waiting for him?” Dr. Lee asked.

“Just nervous stuff you know? Practicing what I would say. Would he be happy to see me? Does he think I’m beautiful? Will he like me? What traits do I get from him? My brain was running non-stop. Then boom he walks toward my table. He approached the table…and he said Suzette?” Suzanne shook her head in ultimate disgust.

“Suzette?” Dr. Lee said confused.

“He mispronounced my name. My name is Suzanne.”

“He didn’t know you name?

“I was so mortified but I just ignored him and continued. Besides I wanted to talk to him for guidance because at the time I was in that bad relationship with Rodney. Remember I told you about Rodney?” Suzanne asked in a matter of fact tone.

“Yes, I remember.” He quickly responded.

“Yeah well around that time, Rodney had hit me and I thought he came out in the nick of time.”

“Because you thought he’d be there to protect you?”

“Right, but I was sadly mistaken” Right then a bit of sadness reached Suzanne’s face.

“I’m assuming you spoke to him about the Rodney situation. What did he say about it?”

“Yeah I spoke to him about Rodney. Told him he slapped me up and everything. You know what that asshole said to me? ‘What did you do to him?’ “

               In that moment, Suzanne shown vulnerability over the whole situation again. It was as if he did it to her yesterday. That’s how fresh the wound is. Different patients visit every day, every month, every year. They each have their own story to tell. Their own past traumas to overcome. Without a doubt, Suzanne must be the most captivating to Dr. Lee. Still quite figure out what it is, though it’s something.

“Your father blamed you for getting abused by Rodney? That had to be…mind-blowing. How did you respond?” Asked Dr. Lee as he started writing again.

“At first I was stuck, now I’ll admit the motherfucker had me tongue-tied. You know how you’re carrying a conversation with someone, then they just say something that threw your whole train of thought off? I told him that I didn’t do anything.”

“Did your mom ever mention abuse from him when they were together?”

“My mom barely spoke of my dad. I didn’t ask, she didn’t tell.”

“I had asked you what stuck out in your head about your father. What made this stick out?”

               Suzanne spoke without hesitation.

“That was the day a piece of me died. I was looking for my hero and I found a villain. I always had dreams of meeting my father. How we would hug and cry as we embrace each other for the first time. Then he would promise to never leave my side again. In exchange, I got a man who suggested I should never provoke my man to hit me. This same man who didn’t know my birthday or my name!”

               Clearly seeing Suzanne was upset and Dr. Lee had a long day himself. He decided to discount her bill and cut the session short. Suzanne on the other hand wasn’t done yet.

“Daddies are supposed to be the first man a woman or rather a little girl loves. He’s supposed to be the main protector of her. Guide her into the cruel world and teach her to look out for the predators of his own kind. He…!” Suzanne couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. Dr. Lee grabbed the Kleenex box and handed it to her as she spoke her emotions for the first time in a while.

“He was supposed to be my father. Now I’m this fucked up person partially because of him. I fuck men that hold money, status, and power because men taught me that is all they are. I’ve opened my legs to multiple men to fill this missing void…this feeling of validity. Somehow some way they’ve treated me like shit because I wasn’t taught what type of man to look out for. Do you have any kids Dr. Lee?”

“I have a daughter.”

“How old?”

“4”

“Do you tell her she’s beautiful? Make her feel safe?”

“All the time.”

“Good. Because maybe she won’t grow to be fucked up in the head like me. She has a good daddy to teach her to have high standards.”

               Hearing Suzanne speak to Dr. Lee about being a good father had him thinking about his current situation. Roles reversed and he found himself opening up to Suzanne.

“Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m being a good father.”

“Oh please! Do you see her every day?”

“I go home to her every night”

‘Do you tuck her in at night? Tell her you love her? Spend birthdays, holidays…?”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my girl” He proudly proclaimed.

“…Then you’re a great father Dr. Lee.

               Appearing to cry himself he removed his glasses from his face. Quickly he wiped away his tears, embarrassed that a client got him to cry. He proceeded with his plans to cut the session short. Already made up in his mind he was going to take the rest of the day off. Suzanne completely understood and decided she was heading to the spa afterwards. They both shook hands until their next meeting and Suzanne left the office. These two have more in common than they thought. God works in mysterious ways because these sessions will bring them together more ways than one…

  �yj��

[axiomandidiom-blog]

>the not-so-great attractor

I’ve been bad.

When I got a new shrink who wrote me a script for Vyvanse I was supposed to ask him to refill my other meds.

I did not do that.

I have not taken two of them in a while. Things are... losing their precious, precarious balance. I was unsatisfied with the balance. I guess I want to see if I’m satisfied with the imbalance. I’m also just tired of being a goddamn robot.

But that’s not what I want to talk about really. I want to talk about some gooey stuff. Well, I’ll get to the gooey stuff. I mean sex and other humans, mostly, though the “other humans” bit is a little presumptuous tbph.

One of the previous drugs I was on was an ssri and really destroyed my libido. That was okay, in some ways, and not okay in some other ways. It was okay because I wasn’t particularly focused on that which vexes all men (not the sea, not sums, not the dichotomy of good an evil, not even women, because there are plenty of dudes who don’t swing that way. I mean the essential and eternal war between a man and his own genitals). I am, or have been, somewhat whimsical in my ideas about attraction in other people. I used to say, and this was mostly true, that I could tell I was attracted to someone because when I thought about them later I imagined the scene with Def Leppard playing in the background. Mostly Photograph, but sometimes Rocket or Rock On.

That stopped happening sometime around 2010-2011. So did the other, more conventional markers of attraction, infatuation, whatever you want to call it. I never daydreamed about women, didn’t get crushes, didn’t give people a second glance when walking down the street. And not just that; I forgot what it was like to do and feel those things. I started looking at my peers and trying to figure out what was driving them (I mean, beyond the obvious. see: man’s war with genitals). I saw the outside evidence of people acting out mating rituals and the pursuit of sexual contact (chief subject: my roommate) and could no longer place myself in their shoes in order to try and understand what they were doing or going through.

This was pretty alienating, actually. I imagine it must be something like what an asexual individual experiences; and to some degree I considered myself a de facto asexual for a while. I just didn’t get it.

I’m explaining this like it was simple and that’s the error of narrative and I recognize that. But it wasn’t simple at all. At the time I had no idea of why this change had occurred. I had been on the ssri for like two years by the time I started experiencing this and I ruled it out as an explanation. I have only now come to believe the ssri was to blame because I stopped taking it and some of this stuff is starting to come back, slowly.

But it wasn’t simple because it was wrapped up in a bunch of other stuff. Like: my experience with my ex of so many years ago at this point. I felt like I had touched a hot pan and burned myself, and not only did I not want to touch the pan again and be more careful, or touch the pan again and fuck getting burned because the reward was so much better, or even I realize this is going to burn be but holy fuck I’m so lonely; but I didn’t want to ever touch any pans again, because that shit is stupid, that’s like breaking your leg after jumping off a bridge and getting right back up to jump, I’d rather just microwave my food. The microwave, in this illustration, is a metaphor for masturbation. In case that wasn’t clear. Also I’m still pretty sure being in a relationship is like jumping off a bridge. But more on that later.

I described it this way to two psych professionals, and got two widely different answers. One said “that’s dumb you’re being dumb” and the other said “I don’t think that’s irrational given your circumstances.” So, um, jury on that is still out.

Also I had gained a bunch of weight in the years since. And though I’m no longer a teenager I still have some seriously fucking terrible skin. Like, omg why can’t I just not have acne all the time what am I doing wrong (the answer: I haven’t spoken to a dermatologist in many years). Also, I’m generally pretty uncomfortable with affection and attention. My best explanation for that is that I think I’m horrible and I don’t want to infect other people with my horrible (see >poison).

I’m sort of a miserable specimen, then, in my estimation. And coiled up in that is a deeply held belief that some things are not for me. I will never have some things. That’s just the way of the universe: I will never be a supreme court justice. I will never be asian, middle eastern, or black. That’s okay. There are some other things that I probably won’t ever be, like out-of-my-mind rich or successful, or adventurous, or athletic, or fun at parties. And I’ve made the leap, perhaps appropriate and perhaps not appropriate, to some other stuff that makes people look at me weird when I tell them, like, I don’t think I’ll ever be married. I don’t think I’ll ever have kids, I don’t think I’ll ever be a homeowner, I don’t think I’ll live much longer than 50, if that. And some people want those things and have always wanted them and think I’m strange for not wanting them or believing that they are out of my reach. And I think they’re weird for not understanding (and why should they, I guess) that those aren’t a part of my life, and aren’t my desires or goals.

Or weren’t.

I still don’t think I’ll be a homeowner. I get that it’s an investment and blah blah blah it just doesn’t make sense to me, and I can’t imagine making enough money to actually pay for that.

I’m still pretty sure I’m gonna die before I get particularly old. Unless there’s some kind of super revolution in the kind of healthcare that I require, and I’m not holding my breath about that.

And I’m afraid of kids. I’m afraid of them for two reasons. One of which I will share here, the other of which I’m definitely too afraid to share, ever, with anyone, for any reason, which may or may not be the result of some things that happened to someone who may have been me. plausible deniability

I’m afraid of screwing kids up. And that’s a futile fear, because kids will be screwed up no matter what anyone does. But I’m really, really, constantly angry about the course of my life. I think sometimes there’s an alternate universe where there’s an axiom who’s a doctor of memetics, and who publishes papers about the dissemination and transformation in quanta of thought across networks of people (which I find incredibly interesting), and I know I will never be that person because nobody figured out what was wrong with me while there was still a chance to divert course.

Nobody figured out that I was hiding from everyone all the time. Can’t blame them for that, because I was good at it. But my nerves were too raw. I was so anxious and terrified of my world as a child that I walked around in a fog. It was a fog I put there to separate myself from my own experience. Events in my life taught me that I could hide in the fog, even when I couldn’t hide from what was happening to me in real time, and at least I’d be mentally protected, even if I wasn’t physically protected. And my whole life kind of grew up around the hiding. I have two older siblings and they got into lots of trouble as teenagers. That’s what teenagers are fucking supposed to be doing. But I knew that I could just not do those things I saw my siblings doing, because I saw the consequences of them, and in so doing avoid those consequences. Because I was fucking scared of that shit.

And nobody took me aside and put their hand on my shoulder and said “hey kid, go do bad things. The whole world is set up to try and prevent you from doing things they think are bad, and all of the systems of all the different organizations and hierarchies which you are a part of all want to keep you from doing those things, and that’s the most horrible, selfish thing a group of people can do to an individual, especially if that individual is young and doesn’t have the capacity to reject the group. I think many teenagers go through a time when they’re really shitty to people like their parents because they’re testing the boundaries of their world, and have come to realize that some of what other people have told them to do or not to do “for their own good” wasn’t for the teenager’s own good, it was for the good of the person giving the order.

And I never did that. I was very concerned with maintaining the appearance of being “good” because that meant that people left me alone. And I wanted to be left alone because existing under scrutiny was too horrible. I didn’t want people to see me, and I didn’t want people to know how not-together I was.

I still hide from people. I’m not sure how capable I am of connecting to other humans on an emotional level I am. None of my friendships are like that, even my really close friendships that have lasted for years.

It’s a dangerous thing to say to some kids that the world isn’t going to end if you spend a night in jail, or fail a class, or sneak out in the middle of the night to get stoned, or ask out a close friend and get rejected. But it was what someone should have said to me. Not because I wish I had done those things. But because I want to think I wouldn’t have been so afraid of everything if I had done some of it. I want to believe that I would be better able to make my own decisions now if I had actually experienced the consequences of behavior directly and not vicariously.

Some non-zero amount of bitching about my childhood is a result of a desire to be a different person. And I want to be a different person. That leads me to the other big thing I wish someone had noticed, or found out, or helped with.

And that’s ADHD. I would say I can’t believe I got all the way through school and fucking graduated with undiagnosed ADHD, except that it was so fucking unbelievably awful that I still feel horrible about the whole experience. I still regret it. I still can’t think of myself as having accomplished anything because it feels more like I survived years of torture than it feels like I worked and received recompense for that work. I think about being in school and I just want to cry. I’m so, so angry about it, and to know now that the difference between being able to function academically and being a hopeless, perpetual fuckup hemorrhaging money that didn’t exist was a once-daily pill makes me want to curl up and fucking die.

That’s a feeling that’s exacerbated by what I brought up in my previous post (>writing). I feel like I can’t write the way I used to. And yeah, duh, I’m writing now, and that’s not what I mean. I’m just shitting out thoughts as they come, I’m not composing anything, and I’m able to do that because I’m taking a drug that flips the lightswitch on the “pay attention lmao” part of my brain on for 13 hours at a time. And writing is one of the very few things about my life I feel like makes me worthwhile as a human. And by worthwhile I mean worth keeping around. And if I can’t do it the whole college experience, which I already conceive of a waste, was even more pointless than it was before. And that makes me feel pretty bad.

What was this post about?

Oh, right.

So I don’t like myself. I don’t think I’m a good person, or valuable. And I feel like those are some important factors when it comes to courtship. And I used to be on this drug that killed my libido, so I was okay with ignoring that. But now... I don’t know why this feels like an illicit admission (maybe because it’s so contrary to where my head has been at for so many years)... I kind of want it. The intimacy. Closeness. Sharing. That kind of stuff. Oh, and sex I guess. But I can do without that, and have for some time. I’m holding out for my ten-year anniversary, so I can write a book called “the ten year drought.” idk what that book would be about but it seems like a good title.

Some of this is a reaction to my newly switched-on brain, I think. Where before I’ve just been confronted by alienation when I thought about being close to other people, I dunno, it seems both possible and desirable now. And because none of my close friendships are built on any kind of emotional connection, I don’t have that in my life. And combined with my awakened libido, it seems like, well, why the hell shouldn’t I try and find that sort of connection with a romantic partner? And maybe it’s been so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to burn myself on the stove any more, and it seems like that might be fun, you know, to burn the fuck out of my hand now and again.

SPEAKING OF AWAKENED LIBIDOS, this is when I’m going to talk about the gooey stuff. I told you it was coming (ayy).

You might be forgiven for assuming that when I considered myself de facto asexual, that meant I abstained from self-manipulation. But no. Lord, no. Instead, it just became a chore.

Let my try and explain. Turning off the red neon sex light in my head didn’t stop the other physiological consequences of orgasm or lack thereof. For those readers who are not men, you may not be aware (or may not have put two-and-two together) that semen doesn’t just go nowhere if it doesn’t, uh, get used. There is, I think, some point (look I’m not a scientist) where after a while of infrequent emissions the little foreman down there in the prostate tells the factory workers at the testes to quit making so much product it’s not going anywhere, but fuck me if I know when that is. Because until that point it’s gotta go somewhere. It’s gotta go somewhere. If I were to cease, uh, disposing of it in a regular fashion, on my own schedule and terms, it would find its own damn way of releasing. Usually this happens during a dream of some kind. There are some problems with this:

1.) mess. You must now wash your sheets and bedclothes. Good job.

2.) disruption to sleep for the above reason. Sleep is important to me. More important before the stimulants, I guess, because I wake up 4-5 times a night anyway now.

3.) disturbing dreams. Sometimes they’re fun disturbing. Most of the time they aren’t. What amateur dream theory I understand is from my meager reading of Freud and that guy was full of shit about a lot of stuff, but this makes sense so I still believe it an will repeat it here: your id, aka the triforce of power, just wants release from tension. Which is not to say it doesn’t want tension. I wants the tension, and the release. Which, according to Freud, is why people have dreams about death; the lead up and then the death itself is the ultimate tension and release fantasy your brain can construct. And the penultimate tension/release is sex. Duh. But the id isn’t picky. Id doesn’t believe in rules or norms or values or anything like that. Id just wants its release. And, honestly, if whatever strange brew it cooks up in the dark recesses of your skull upset your conscious, rational mind (your ego, the triforce of courage), well, fine, cause that makes the tension (and thus the release) stronger, and because fuck your ego, id hates that guy.

4.) As actual, physical releases go (i.e. not psychological, as discussed above) this is a pretty garbage one. Look, not every orgasm is going to be good, But this one is fucking soaked in shame and disappointment. And fuck if I know if this is what it’s like for other people, but I get just a little lucid at the end of a wet dream. Like, there’s a QTE segment, where shit slows down, and I can let the sequence play out or I can press ‘a’ to try and prevent it from occurring. Hint: pressing a does not work. But I don’t know that when I’m fucking asleep. So I press ‘a’ like a fucking idiot and ruin my own shame-dream orgasm and end up with sticky sheets anyway. This is not fun. No part of this is fun.

Now, I think I’ve mentioned here before, I have problems with dreams anyway. Every few months (and I always think, well, surely this is the last time, I must now be free of them) I have a dream about my ex. And if I time this wrong, the dream gets weird and sexual. A dream about my ex is guaranteed to fuck up my day at least a little, and a sex dream about my ex is just throwing my whole week away. Thanks id, you little shit.

So, that’s a reason not to do things that way.

There are some others. For one, having an orgasm feels pretty good, at least if you do it right. And at various times in my life I’ve been starved of good feelings. That the orgasm is free and readily available (for the most part) is what leads it to being such an addictive drug. And afterwards, a man (I have somewhat independently verified this with others of my sex) has some beneficial psychological effects; it’s also a way to regulate your hormones, and relieve stress and anxiety. And let me get this in here, when a man does without orgasm, at least in my experience, reality warps to compensate. Like, suddenly, day 3+ of no orgasm, skirts get shorter. They just do. Suddenly women are tying back their hair, and their shirts just don’t cover anything anymore. And everybody is wearing leggings. And suddenly people are smiling at you and blushing and they smell good and their eyelashes are so damn long.

AND I HATE THIS PART. THE TENSION IS UNBEARABLE. It’s unbearable, maybe, because of what I’ve written above--that I have internalized the belief that some things are not for me. And maybe, actually I’m pretty sure, that this is why men chase women. Because, unless they are doing what I do, the whole damn world is fluttering eyelashes and jorts. And they can’t fucking think about anything else. Hence, the war. Because either you do something about it or life is a sex-crazed fever dream.

This is how I feel about desire. It feels like affliction. I know that’s messed up. I know I’m messed up.

And when I was taking that ssri, I wasn’t attracted to people, even when this happened. Skirts didn’t get shorter. Skin wasn’t suddenly everywhere. I just felt awful. It just felt like I was in the hallway in Inception and the van was turning over and over. It was like what eating is like now that I take a stimulant; you know you’re hungry because you’re being mean to everyone and everything everyone says to you feels like a personal slight. And so you go get some food because you need to eat and it just looks like dogshit and it smells like dogshit and you put it in your mouth and you chew and you’re mad about it and you feel like a fucking chimp in a tophat dancing for a vaudeville audience. It sucks. It’s not cool.

But back to what I was saying about regulating one’s orgasms. I know that if you are a woman, the rules and boundaries are different, but men have a limited number of orgasms available to them in a given time period. See the little foreman and the factory workers.

Given this I don’t think it’s unreasonable to conclude that frequent (this I will leave to the imagination), managed orgasms are good policy.

Good policy, as anyone familiar with governments will well understand, has a way of becoming bad practice when it intersects with the real world. And in this case, the reality of the situation is porn.

I’ll delve into this some other time but for now let it be said that porn is horrible. And It isn’t necessary, in the strictest sense. But I found it expedient in my former circumstances; i.e. perpetually single and with a poor libido. Masturbating, as I have said above, became a chore. As in, “well now it’s X:XX o’clock and I guess I should get down to business,” even while I was also thinking “I really don’t want to do this, this is gross, I am gross.”

And while in another person that might be enough to stop the whole process, not with me. I dunno why. Sue me. Typing it out makes it seem like it was something I could just choose not to do, and sometimes I did, but most of the time I didn’t.

Now, porn is a bottomless endeavor. I had a professor who I always thought was kind of a shithead talk about porn, for men at least, as being an expression of the fantasy that any woman is available to a man.

This is problematic for a bunch of reasons, but I didn’t invent the primate brain, I just have one, and it doesn’t really do what I want it to most of the time. Or like ever.

So one does not find a quantum of pornography and decide that, yep, that’s that, this is all I need. Again, we’re talking about that fucker id (and I think here there’s even less basis for Freud’s model of personality but fuck it I’m on a roll and also not particularly educated) and he doesn’t care about your rules. He just wants more. And again, id doesn’t want just the mere release, id wants tension before the release. Id wants the lead up as much as the actual orgasm, if not more (as they tend to inform each other; this is true as far as I can tell for both men and women but I’m not an expert). So the male experience of pornography (this I have also somewhat independently verified) is one of seeking and evaluating. This is, as far as I can tell, what tabbed browsing was invented for. One looks, and looks, and looks (it is about 90% visual) for something that has that certain spark to it. There is no describing the spark. Whatever you have found either suits or it doesn’t. I’m sure if Freud were here with me he’d have something to say about what people look for and why but that guy is fucking dead so fuck him. There is a great deal of quite automatic selection that goes on.

Yes, after the fact, one may find and describe patterns to the searching. Without descending too far into the vulgar universe of pornography and its associated vernacular, I’ll try and give some examples. I am attracted to faces that have robust lower lips, dark hair, and perhaps a gap in the teeth. I don’t know why. I just do. It’s just what I like. Those are things I think are fairly specific to me; I know my friends like other things in their faces.

And now that I’ve found some nice video of a dark-haired, gap-toothed, robust-lipped girl folding her laundry and pairing her socks, I’m good right? Wrong. Depending on the strength of the suitability of this video, it might remain useful (i.e. functional i.e. qualified for release) for like three or four uses, and then one day I’ll look at it and the evaluative bit of my id will say “nope lol” and I’ll skip over it. Sometimes, and this too is common, in months or years following, I might remember (by association) this video of the sock-pairing and check it out again, and it might have regained some of its suitability. And this is the mystery of the brain. I can’t explain why something regains its power this way.

But I know pretty well why it loses it, and that’s the goddamn dopamine circuit in the brain. There are a few qualities of the primate brain that I think are truly evil, in the sense that they are the genesis of evil behavior--not callousness, not antisocial action, not violence, evil, evil in the sense of wrong action which the brain does not recognize as wrong action--and they are, in no particular order, rationalization to reduce cognitive dissonance, pattern recognition, and the diminishing returns of the reward circuit. If you look at those and think, “gee axiom those are the reasons humans have been able to do anything at all,” then congrats, you’ve managed to realize what the Buddha meant when he said that existence is suffering, and that it is a man’s own mind, and not his enemy or his foe, which lures him to evil ways. I wonder if it’s worth it sometimes. We should have stayed in the trees, maybe. We sure as shit shouldn’t have invented the internet.

But I digress. What I’m saying here is that the reward circuit and the amorality of the id is what drives the obsessive searching involved in pornography. It’s why the addict, and I guess I’m an addict, spends so much time looking relative to the time spent using. Watching people have sex tricks our monkey brain, and the monkey brain gets tired of the same things day in and day out, particularly when the pleasing release of brain chemicals is so dramatic.

The ease of obtaining the pleasing brain chemicals (once a man gets to my age, he is likely to be quite practiced at obtaining an orgasm in one way or another) and the swiftness with which a quantum of pornography becomes tarnished with regards to suitability lead the consumer of pornography down greater and greater rabbit holes seeking stimulation. And, if the user is paying attention, he will find that this isn’t at all necessary. But, and I can’t speak for anyone else here, I know I’m never paying attention when I masturbate. Thinking ruins the experience. RUINS IT. Thinking leads me to analyze what I’m watching and there’s nothing more boner-killing to me than thinking about the clashing figures I’m watching as people. And yes, that’s horrible. And yes, that means I should stop. Because if I object to what I’m seeing morally, then I should, should apply that to my actions in consuming that media. BUT I DON’T AND I DON’T KNOW ANYONE WHO DOES THAT, EVER, ABOUT ANYTHING, INCLUDING BUT CERTAINLY NOT LIMITED TO THE CONSUMPTION OF PORN.

And that’s why humans are garbage.

When I say that it isn’t at all necessary what I mean is that the entire exercise of pornography is extraneous. Pornography is not required for orgasm. It’s just expedient. It’s just easy. It’s just what men, and me, have learned to do because it feels good, it’s pleasing, and it’s (in the sense outlined above RE: regulation) necessary to living.

And here’s the problem with all of that: there’s no alternative. I mean, okay, there is. There’s a bunch. Like, I could just use my imagination. But that’s like saying “dude you could just think about a story, reading is for idiots,” and to that I say, well, yeah, I could. But if it’s just me, if there’s nobody else, then the story I come up with has no purpose. It has no boundaries. There is no reason to present narrative challenges or to think about word selection because it isn’t a story if it’s in my head, it’s just feelings, it’s just ideas, it’s amorphous and ephemeral. It’s the same as anything else; it’s even the same as an orgasm in the greater sense. Yeah you can do it yourself. But it’s way, way nicer for someone to do it for you.

But the niceness of it is an illusion. It’s a total illusion. Because I can achieve, and have achieved, many an orgasm without the assistance of another person. And, at the moment, at least, it’s not like it’s hard to do that, at all. More on this in a second.

But for me, and for people who for one reason or another have this in common with me, the most simple, occam’s razorish approach--to go find another person to do this stuff with--seems, or is, completely unattainable, because of whatever real or imagined physical or emotional problems we perceive within ourselves.

And because nobody taught me this shit. Nobody. When my parents talked to me about sex, they were like “hey axiom let me tell you about sex” and I was like “I mean, if it’ll make you feel better,” and they were all “when two people love each other blah blah blah,” and I was like “kay whatevs,” and in my mind I was thinking “this love thing is not for you, this sex thing is not for you, this world is not for you” because that’s how I feel about everything good or nice, especially the good or nice things that have the potential to be horrible and damaging.

And there was no class in school where the teacher said “look axiom, here’s the thing about orgasms and hormones and the way it makes your body feel and the way you’re going to want to act,” and there was no teacher who said “this is a safe and healthy way to approach being with another person, and this is a safe and healthy way to approach being with yourself.”

And I sure as shit never experienced a setting where someone said “these things you feel don’t make you a monster,” and even if they had, I wouldn’t believe them, because rape exists, and because abusive relationships exist, and because people fight and get divorced and are shitty to each other. Instead, all I feel is shame. I feel ashamed about sex, I feel ashamed about orgasms, I feel ashamed the other parts of me, and all I want to do is conceal them. This is perhaps more unique to me, specifically; see >writing again, and perhaps for that matter every post on this goddamn shitfest of a tumblr. AND NONE OF THAT STOPS ME FROM WANTING IT.

So I’m driven, I think like many people are, to conceal my behavior about sex and masturbation and orgasms. And because it’s hidden, it gets thrown into a pile with a bunch of other hidden things, and that’s why pornography is so awful, why it’s so predatory and nefarious, because it’s hiding there where you can only find it if you’re hiding, and because nobody is looking, or rather, everyone is pretending not to look, then it becomes evil. There is no regulation of pornography (well, except for laws about ages of consent and whatnot), there is structure in place to teach me how to use it responsibly, and there is no structure in place to teach people how to make it responsibly, either. It’s just a hole where damaged, hurting people get thrown into, and there’s sadists down there waiting to continue to damage and hurt you, and to keep you from leaving. And yeah, there’s money there, and that’s part of the problem, but it wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t so vile and exploitative. It’s possible, and I say this as a truly brainwashed capitalist, to make money and still do the right thing. It is possible. It just isn’t possible to make as much money as you would if you were doing the wrong thing. And nobody makes that choice. It’s not even a choice, really.

This is what’s been eating me up about orgasms, at least while I was taking the ssri. But I stopped. And now, not only is my libido recovering, but, uh, the... how to put this delicately (as if I’ve been delicate so far)... nerve connections in my genitalia, which previously (because of the ssri) took a lot of precise stimulation to coax into orgasm, now do so essentially instantly. I got no idea how long this will last.

None of my previous habits work or make sense. A lot of the above is predicated on there being a build up. Mr. Id likes his tension and release, like I said. The more tension, the stronger the release.

And look, alright, spoilers or whatever, this is going to be graphic. But I used to be able to get hard and keep it that way for a while without achieving orgasm. I’ll try and illustrate: lets say masturbating is like riding a bike down a hill into a lake. After years of frustration on this ssri, wherein I would get on the bike and ride down the hill part way and then have to stop because of a flat tire, then looking wistfully at the lake at the bottom and being angry at myself for not knowing how to perform basic bike maintenance, I not only figured out how to make it all the way down the hill (under rather specific circumstances; like, the bike needs to follow this path, and there needs to be some music, and I’ve got to choose a hill that has enough clover or whatever) I got good at, once I’d neared the lake at the bottom, veering away from the lake and riding up to the top again. True, the lake at the bottom was the eventual goal, but the sensation of the wind as I rode down the hill were also nice, and nice enough themselves that I would get on my bike just to ride downhill sometimes, over and over again, and only splash in the lake when I had something else I needed to do.

This is what the (>smut) post is about, really. There was a lot of hill riding there and not any splashing, and, as mentioned above, this really twisted my perception of reality around. Really, really badly.

And when I say years of frustration above, well, I’ll just tell you what I mean. I first started taking an ssri (not the one I ended up with by they all act pretty similarly) I was dating my ex. And I was like 19, and there was not a lot of splashing going on for me. There was, I hope, for her. And we certainly did a lot of bike riding, in various configurations. But, I dunno. It felt bad not to splash. Like, really bad. For both of us, I think. I felt like I was broken. And she felt like I wasn’t into her. And neither of us knew how to talk about it or to fix it. I’m not going to say that’s what happened to us. I know it isn’t. But it didn’t help. It hurt, a lot.

But now I don’t ride down the hill. I splash, yes, but it happens as soon as I get on the bike. It’s like I’m 14 and I’ve never ridden a bike before (lol 14, axiom? you never rode a bike until you were 14?) and I get on the bike and I push down on a pedal and I fucking crash and burn right there at the top of the hill, and the sprinklers turn on and I’m lying there in a heap getting sprinkled. It sucks. Well, it sucks in the sense that I’m used to enjoying the ride down the hill, sometimes over and over again. And I’m used to splashing into the lake when I’m done.

But there ain’t no hill no more. And there ain’t no lake.

The upside is that I’m done in like 15 minutes, even when I really don’t want to be. And MAYBE THAT’S WHAT’S NORMAL. I don’t mean the, uh, sensitivity, or my sense of balance or whatever I’m supposed to be comparing things with in my over-labored, pointless bike-riding metaphor. I mean maybe it’s normal to want to go for a ride and get a little wet, and then be done with it pretty quick and move on to something else.

I want, I want to be able to do this. I want it not to feel deeply unsatisfying, because even though riding around on the hill over and over again and splashing into the lake is satisfying it’s full of such dreadful moral problems and it’s a waste of my motherfucking time and it isn’t necessary and, honestly, I should just find someone who wants to ride a tandem bike with me, and even if I crash real quick, maybe that someone won’t mind and will keep riding with me for a while until both of us get to the lake at the bottom.

I just don’t think that will happen to me. I just don’t think it’s real or possible for me.

And I don’t know what the fuck to do with all my time that I used to spend riding. I’d say “well axiom you can write now :^)” but all I can seem to write is unfocused, rambling nonsense like this here blog post.

FUCK ME (PLEASE FUCK ME) I HATE THIS (THIS IS WHAT I AM) I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE (I NEVER WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE AGAIN)

Stop the ride I want to get off.