#Anywayyy rant over

[fairydustedtheory]

-

[paleangels13]

Helloo, I still exist did anyone even notice I was mostly gone lol

Anyone interested in ehhh...slightly unhinged work-related talk?

No?

Well. Too bad

Anyone that knows me irl please ignore the tags – I'm embarrassed ✨🥰

[chaotictomtom]

finished bcs 🧍 what do now.

[larriescompass]

i dont think i’m ever going to actually get over this concert. i’ve always loved niall soo much, but this concert made me realize how much i love his music and just him as a person. the way he writes his lyrics have a way of digging deep into my fucking heart and i don’t know how he does it. especially with paper houses, that song is probably one of my favorite songs of all time, so the feeling i felt when i heard the melody and the beginning of the song was unimaginable. i just started crying and hugged my friend because that song just means the world to me, and i genuinely don’t know why it does, but it just does. he also sang mirrors which i think is one of the most beautiful songs ever written about a woman. it just encapsulates the beauty and the tenderness of being shy and experiencing a soft and delicate feeling of falling in love. i heard that niall wrote the song after observing a woman who was alone in a coffee shop, which just makes me even more fucking intrigued by how creative his mind is. one of my favorite things to do is observe the way people speak because i feel like you can tell a lot about a person by how they choose to articulate their words. so that’s why lyrics are just such a big part of music for me. i also got to go with my best friend and it was just so much fun. we hugged, laughed, cried, screamed, and sang together the whole night. also can i just say that this concert has completely changed my pov of niall in a way that i now find him so incredibly attractive. it’s not like i ever thought he was unattractive, absolutely not. he just isn’t my typical type, and i would moreover view him as someone who’s very wholesome and cute. but after tonight, idk man, it might’ve been his hair or his arms, or just his laugh, but he looked hella fine. god, especially with him playing the guitar, i was awe struck the entire show. anywayyy, that’s my rant! i’ll probably post some videos that i took tmr 🫶

[ctubbolvr]

quick ramble!!;!,! (abt the fic) (this will probably be slightly repetitive i do that a lot) (apologies)

okay! sooo,,, almost 15k words!!!!! that’s like my only goal for today, is to reach 15k!!! honestly my prediction for how many it’ll be totally is like… 30-45k ?? i think?? just because i’ve only reached up to the beginning of the marriage, i’ve got a long ways to go. plus it’s not only lore shit, it is also SO many fillers! i’m not including every piece of lore ever , just like the very big parts (ex. i’m not including disc finale stuff bc this is cbeeduo lmao)

i’m very excited about this whole thing! i haven’t written something this long since 2020 !! which was… something else… (75 chapters.. shivers…) i think people will enjoy it!!!! i know i am!! :D honestly if people were to make fanart too i would honestly bawl my eyes out!!

this fic is genuinely the best thing i’ve ever written… can u tell the hyperfix has totally taken over… but yeah!!!!

i’ve got a lot figured out for stuff near the ending (specifically burger arc stuff, c!ranboo’s death, and the actual ending) and i’m VERY excited to finally get to write those things out so they’re not just in my brain!!

also, if the fic does well and people seem to like it a lot, i will totally consider doing some mini things that exist in the same universe :) bc it’s TECHNICALLY an au? because it’s an alternate ending w different things happening that aren’t canon! i do have 3 volunteers for beta readers tho which is awesome! (thank you bug, marsh and iris <333)

anywayyy rant over!! TELL ME IF UR EXCITED!!!!

[xyloboii]

So I was listening to some “uncanny valley music” and I thought of Scarabs human disguise.

Why hasn’t anyone thought of drawing him uncanny like? Just think; he’s an alien/someone not from earth. He wouldn’t be familiar with the whole anatomy of humans so you have to think that some body parts would look off. And then there’s his eyes, his eyes would look lifeless. I could imagine them looking like voids. No light inside. Just darkness.

His presence would make people feel off. Like, our senses would know he’s not human. So whom ever he’ll talk to, the person will feel anxious and scared of him. Thus complying to his orders and questions.

And what about his hight? Would he shrink down to the normal human hight? Or maybe he’d shrink a bit but he’d still tower over the average human hight.

Either way, he would definitely be in the uncanny valley spectrum!

Anywayyy this was my rant! Either way, I love that uncanny nerdy bug <3

[willkimurashat]

Okay, so you lovelies seem to like my rants, so…

RANT TIME! (And spoilers! Sorry!)

I am so fed up with Alfie istg. First, he’s crushing on mc only to sleep with Kat later. Then, he’s on the fence because Meera turned his head and mc has baggage, which puts him off. Then he’s with mc again, “i dUnNo I nEeD tImE”. A day later he’s all “i’M fAlLiNg” and “I’m all in if yOu’Re all in” (my ass). Then, a minor misunderstanding happens and he’s kissing Kat behind my back. Then, he comes back from casa with Meera, he’s all over her, and pretends like he never had anything with mc. Now Meera leaves, but he doesn’t wanna leave with her, indirectly hinting he wants mc back. And now that she finally left - he’s regretting not leaving. He keeps going back and forth and oscillating, like a goddamn pendulum, and it doesn’t help his case. Like, that whole gesture of “oh, I’m not gonna leave with Meera to prove I want to be with you instead” (and now he kinda wishes actually left with her) only shows me two things instead: 1) he never means what he says, so he’s never serious about his feelings; and 2) he dumped Meera twice, he dumped me once - there’s no guarantee he won’t do it again to either of us.

Anywayyy, rant over, thank you for indulging me lol!❤️❤️❤️

[ausern4me]

Because i love ranting...

I am so so so so so happy with that episode -THE FACT THAT ALLY WAS A TOTAL BITCH AND AIDENS GONE

WE GOT SO MUCH TREVEK!!! AND AND EMILY MADE AN APPARANCEEE!!

I love these two SO MUCHHHH

Also cant be just me that thinks alec may have feelings for connor. its so ovbious he cares about connor LIKE TO A T

Look at those eyes and tell me you dont see fear. HES SCARED OF LOSING CONNOR!!

ALso another thing, like why would he go over there to speak to connor if he didnt care?!!?!?!?!

NOOOOOOOO NOT AIDEN (SOBBING OVER THIS ONE)

Gretts character arc is so in this. This woman's been through shit <3

Anywayyy HOPING AND PRAYING ALLY GOES HOME NEXT EPISODE (theres nothing for her AND I HATE HER :3)

Jake, my guy i still want you to win but i fear you wont </3

I've seen people saying its obvious Grett will winnn and immmm sorta agreeing with you!!! (they've made it clear she deserves it)

[jun-ipher]

Omg thanks hahah. No worries it’s not a request or anything. Just ranting and asking your opinion because you write chishiya so beautifully 😩 and it’s no fun to share random blurts that I had about this man with my rlfriends who couldn’t appreciate his existence.

I have been thinking about Chishiya with a popular s/o. Do you think Chishiya will mind? I think he would be annoyed because he prefer to be in the shadow and doesn’t like people to know about his business. But I can also see him as perfect candidate as a famous person’s boyfriend ya know? Like that man will not be bothered at all if you got scandalous dating rumours or working with attractive costar. He is pretty secure with himself.

So yeah I’m stuck here with my plot. Which do you think Chishiya would value more. Will having no privacy be his deal breaker?

Im looking forward to hear your thoughts! 🫶 you are one of my favourite Chishiya’s writer and I trust your opinion

OMG THANK YOU! not you saying you trust my opinion🥺

rant under the cut!

i think chishiya as a famous person's bf has its pros and cons? he is definitely a very private person, so he wouldn't mind signing an NDA and keeping everything a secret/private

at the same time, i wonder if he would think it's too problematic/too much of a headache? i can definitely see him being put off by the paparazzi 🤔

i think he might need some convincing, but he could consider dating a famous person, especially if it means he can have benefits, such as private and avant-première viewings. i headcanon manga chishiya as secretly enjoying art galleries bcs art is subjective and he won't feel weird for not understanding a painting exactly as the next person does

netflix chishiya is portrayed as having more empathy, so depending on which version of canon you prefer, he will be more or less a good boyfriend for a celebrity. ofc, i don't really see manga chishiya as trying to date anyway. at least not before the borderlands🤷‍♀️

if his s/o is a normal person, but just popular in general, he would definitely be smug about it still. he would also find it interesting how so many people crowd around a person who isn't even famous, just because they are nice or funny. he would definitely choose to hang out with s/o's friends just to observe the interactions (i think this gave me some ideas for trtc omg)

also, if the celebrity!s/o has dating rumours or good-looking co-stars, i agree that he wouldn't be bothered by it. he is too rational to let jealousy get the best of him fr.

i imagine it more like, he is on the sofa, scrolling on his phone. celebrity!s/o is sitting next to him. an article pops up on his phone.

y/n l/n rumoured to be dating co-star. then some pictures of them together laughing in close distance.

chishiya looks over to you, an eyebrow raised, and reads the title out loud. "there are some interesting pictures too," he muses.

when you turn to look at him, you see his lips quirked up in amusement and his shoulders relaxed.

"it's just a rumour," you say the obvious. "we started doing the promo for the newest season and have to act close. he asked to meet you, by the way. if you want to come on set one day, you could. or we can go out for drinks."

chishiya turns back to his phone, wondering if coming on set and dealing with the paparazzi is really worth it.

"we'll see," is all he says, then he scrolls down. he's never cared about the rumours anyway. he knows that at the end of the day, he is the only one in your mind.

he is so secure, i don't see him getting jealous too often. maybe if there is something else going on with the rumours, like s/o not having time for him anymore, or them not answering his texts? then, i see him acting petty for a short while before telling s/o about it. i don't think he would sit them down, he would just be asshole-y and cold about it

anywayyy this is only what i headcanon

this was so fun!!

[mikerooksi]

literally me ❤️❤️🙏

i found that on pinterest btw

aywyae welcome back to the daily rant WHERE I go insane over lego MONKEYS

I wanna kiss porty and artist mk and normal mk and

☹️☹️😭 WUEHFHH

anyways actual rant today!

im going to go eat hotpot with my aunt. very excited! I've only had hotpot like once before, soo. we're going to a new place so that's fun too.

im wearing my 'the last ronin' hoodie too its in a larger size its so comfy 🤭🤭 (I LOVE THE LAST RONIN ITS SO GOOD O LOGE TMNT RAGHHHH)

i got it for my birthday teehee it was real cutie there's the design on the back of mikey being.. idk tje last ronin HES SO COOL

anywayyy there's traffic 💔

bye bye :3

update: THE URGE TO EDIT MACAQUE IS SO BAD IM IM IAHAJAAAA I LOVE HIM ☹️😭😭😭 I WANNA URHHHH

idk what audio to use tho I've been searching but none of them feel right to use 🤔 💔

[rotblume]

agnostic atheist here .. and right now wondering if I’m meant to sense some sign from above in how things are going atm .. because fml, nothing’s going right .. 

and it’s not even like I can blame some other people, because it’s also hardly their fault that they’re not well and I worry about that instead of the things going on in my life and I obv can never “get my priorities straight” and there’s just far too little time in the day (like, literally, Non24 is also still messing up my life)

anywayyy, just ranting & shouting into the void, not like I really regret that for me it’s always been and always will be family over everything .. but I do wish there was any cure for Non24 available, cause invisible or not, it’s still a fricking disability, officially attested and certified and all (or not (yet)) and it is not helping matters whatsoever

[inkykeiji]

just read "I'm about to show you the beginning is the end" - it was amazing, by the way!! - and *god* touya-nii reminded me of my ex there. I won't go into all the nasty details but he'd often get upset with me over something small or out of my control, leave me (whether it be a breakup or ghosting me), and me having to contact a family member to get through to him and "compromise". His compromises weren't as nice as the little necklace Touya got reader but HEY thats not the point here😭

anywayyy reason im rambling about this is because when i was with him i used to ramble about him being like touya-nii in the positive senses - the way he was in bed, the little similarities, the way they spoke similarly, etc. And now that i'm out of that abusive situation, all I'm seeing is the similarities within the abuse and toxicity of reader's relationship with touya. The funny thing is it didn't even occur to me just how bad Touya was to reader because I was conditioned to think it was just barely out of the ordinary. Take away the branding and cheating and you had my relationship that i thought was healthy.

Sorry i made this ask so long but I just wanted to let you know how much I love your writing, and how much I admire the way you're able to make the toxicity of your characters subtle (I hope that doesn't sound weird??) I've always seen abuse portrayed really unrealistically and 90% of the time it's only physical abuse. It's honestly a little scary that I didn't register touya-nii or that ex as abusive because they're so good at masking it, and i love how you're able to portray it realistically. it's comforting in a weird way? I hate reading fluff because it just makes me feel worse, but the complex dynamics of your characters bring me back to reality and remind me i'm not totally alone. so to sum up my giant rant...

thank you <33

hi sweetpea <3

tw: abuse, toxic relationships

i cannot tell you how much this ask means to me, oh my gosh. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me! <3

i’m glad it comes across as realistic, because it is heavily based off of my own parents’ relationship, and my father’s abuse towards my mother and myself. one of the several reasons i write such toxic relationships is to make sense of, process, take apart and put back together, my own experiences and what i grew up steeped in.

the other thing i wanted to say, especially since you mentioned not being able to see outside of the toxic relationship until you were actually and fully OUT of it, is that it’s written that way from readers perspective on purpose. it’s written from the perspective of a person who is so deeply entrenched in this relationship, in this tangled web of abuse and this manipulation, that they don’t actually see anything wrong with it. they’ve been gaslit and brainwashed in a slow, methodical, precise way, and it’s also where the ‘romanticized’ aspect comes from—because it’s coming from HER point of view, where she does truly believe she’s in love, where she may even, in some very twisted and brainwashed way, feel love for him, feel care and compassion for him. it is such a complex, grey area! (you may notice that when i write from touya’s perspective, it takes on a more obsessive, almost worship-y type vibe; ie he loves her soooo much, she's sooo good for him, so perfect for him, etc etc.).

abuse, and abusive relationships, are not black and white and i hate it when people attempt to portray them so simplistically. and the thing is, abuse of ANY kind (but especially emotional abuse) doesn’t just HAPPEN. it is a slow, slow progression and it can be extremely subtle; so it doesn’t raise any flags, so the abuser can trap their victim and break them down, etc. i wish, so desperately, that my mother left my father. but she didn’t, and she won’t, and as much as it upsets me because she is a literal angel on earth and deserves SO much better, it is ultimately her choice and i have to respect that even if i don’t agree with it. it’s her life; i can’t force her to do anything. i’ve discussed this with her before, and she told me this is the choice she is making. but anyway the point i’m trying to make here is, there are so, so, SO many reasons why someone who is an abusive relationship chooses to STAY in an abusive relationship; the reasons differ from case to case as it is such a personal thing, and we already have so much research and scientific/psychological literature conducted on this topic alone.

in touya-nii’s reader’s case, it is both because she is brainwashed and entirely dependent on him, and because she was already so fragile—already had such a fragile sense of self worth—and now the only place or thing she gets any validation from at all, that makes her feel like she is good and she is worthy and she has purpose, is serving him.

i’m so glad to hear you find it comforting, especially because i know EXACTLY what you mean, yes!!!!! 100%!!! i am the exact same way! 99% of the time i can’t stand tooth-rotting fluff because it just isn’t realistic to me, and isn’t realistic to my situation. i find so much more comfort in characters and stories that i can relate to because they make me feel less alone, too; like i’m not the only one going through this, or i’m not the only one feeling like this, etc etc etc. it’s one of the huge reasons why i find so much comfort in dabi/the todorokis: because my dad makes enji look like dad of the fucking year. so it’s nice to see that portrayed in a piece of art where i can go ‘okay, at least he would understand, he would get it; in his fictional universe he DOES get it’ etc. hopefully that makes sense hahaha

i’m so sorry that you had to go through this. absolutely no one deserves it, and i hope you are taking good care of yourself and healing and finding love and happiness and health and LIFE again in whatever form it may be. i am glad my work can be a source of comfort for you—genuinely, this means the whole world to me, it is such an honour to hear!!—and i hope it can be here for you whenever you need it.

i love you so much anon, thank you again for sharing this with me <3

[chryzure-archive]

ChrysiArchie rant you say…? 👀👀

YES, OKAY, SO.. this is a little bit of world-building / just general storyline stuff i’ve added, and i’m putting them in random bullet points, so if they don’t make sense… alas <//3 but i’ve been thinking abt them sooo hard even though i haven’t even gotten to archie in my reread yet (i think i’ll die when i see him again, fr!!!), SO:

on selene, it’s… semi-normal for you to take on a consort in a marriage. it happens a lot if it’s an arranged marriage (as is chrysi’s with her fiancé, who i have been thinking will be elias bloom for extra fury and helplessness :)), so in an attempt to find any hope in her future, chrysi chooses jacks to become her legal consort. obvi he jumps on this chance bc it’s THE only way for him to be with her, but okay. we move.

vaguely related to that… chrysi was technically “arranged” to marry azure waaaaay back before she’d even been shipped off to the pole. she was the executioner and he was some noble (forgive me, my world-building hasn’t gotten this far ;;; i was thinking w chryzure soulmate brain instead of writer-brain

anywayyy, azure dies :) and UGHHH, ophelia learns allll about chrysi and her tragic past through the engagement ring set azure gave chrysi :((( she didn’t mean to read the past in the objects, but she touched it and chrysi’s grief was so overwhelming that it dragged her into reliving chrysi’s pain over losing azure… and later going deeper into the rings’ memories to see how much azure truly loved chrysi. it kills me inside. it shocks ophelia, since chrysi seemed to give her heart so wholly to archie. lots of things going on there.

that follows up w a scene between chrysi and ophelia, where chrysi talks abt soulmates… and bc in the mirror visitor series, the population doesn’t believe in god anymore (…. except the god they talk of isn’t even god, it’s a woman named eulalia gonde, and her name has been mispronounced and warped into “god”. sorry, that’s a major spoiler, but we move, okay), chrysi goes on to say, “i don’t know if i believe in a god like the ancients did, but i do believe there was some higher divinity that made azure for me and i for him. everything about our love was ordained. i could believe in a god with him at my side.” SOBBING. IMAGINE BEING ARCHIE WALKING IN ON THAT AND FINDING OUT THAT CHRYSI HAD A WHOLE ENTIRE SOULMATE BEFORE SHE DEDICATED HERSELF TO ARCHIE AFTER AZURE’S DEATH. I’M GOING TO SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW UP.

also, vaguely related to that: on selene, i’ve decided that even though religion has moved away from the concept of a “god”, they do still have saints that they worship (esp since they’re such a dreamlike people, it makes sense to me??? but also i wanted jacks to still swear by using the saints’ names hehe)—and that chrysi, as the current executioner, has gained such a foothold in politics (on accident), that she’s on her way to becoming a saint. even jacks, when she takes him on as a consort (after she left archie and archie… kinda left her too, unintentionally), will whisper that she’s his saint alone and he doesn’t want to share her. also he calls her “saint chryseis” bc. i want to have some chrysijacks crumbs in this universe, okay.

since selene is highly inspired by venice as well, i figured the combination of the arts and religion being so deeply ingrained in the arts leads to a reasonable assumption that selene would still be more religious than the rest of the arks. …. yeah :)

….anyway, unrelated, archie shows up during chrysi’s engagement party. we’ve been over this. he doesn’t realize it’s chrysi’s engagement party at first though???? and when he sees chrysi walk up to elias bloom + he sees that she’s taken off all of her rings so elias bloom can put his singular stupid fucking trophy ring on chrysi’s finger, archie feels such a sense of horror that he doesn’t know how to explain.. then he realizes, oh, he loved how much chrysi was independent, even though it frightened him a little bit, how little he understood her… :((

elias bloom is the one that dies unexpectedly :) on that same night where chrysi’s washing the blood off her hands and archie shows up mid-hand wash and chrysi’s terrified and confused by her spotty memory :) both archie and jacks are thrilled chrysi’s no longer engaged to that bastard, but it’s pretty obvious that this doesn’t look good for proving her innocence.

anyway, also jumping to another point: chrysi never let archie use his ability of transparency on her bc she was frightened that if he did, he would feel her pain and realize that she was sick and dying. she didn’t want him to grieve her while she was still alive. well, jokes on her, bc archie’s also dying, but you know. whatever.

that said… their happy ending is him using his powers to create their own little communion of souls (pretentious, but it is kinda a romantic concept. i hate him) and they’re finally no longer hiding any secrets from each other + now they trust each other… they make me want to gnaw on drywall.

[huntingingoodwill]

Hiiiii

I was pleasantly surprised by your reaction to my joe camel rant 🫨😳 out of all the things to rant about 🙈🙈 (I was so close to telling you to disregard it cuz I was lowkey embarrassed) But THANKS for being on the same page

Today I bring you a live update from the Amtrak where I will be stuck for the next 8 hours 💀 I’m tryna get some reading done

My goal for this winter break is to relive my very short lived middle school dystopian book era. I got into Percy Jackson but never finished it😭

I will be blasting can’t catch me now and the hanging tree while I read the hunger games for the first time

(The fine specimen of a man Tom Blyth got me in a choke hold he’s too good looking for his own good😭😭🙇🏾‍♀️)

I may be getting back into my Chris Evans obsession 👀 finally started a fic I’ve been saving for months, two days ago and shit slaps

Anywaysssss whatchu up to on this fine cloudy day 😘😘😘

(Also I gotta know do you recognize my asks now? The emojis are prob a dead give away😅 just curious)

-😊💕

ello ello again

nah but im on the same page as you because i always say the same thing irl. we’re on the same wavelength brother

EW an 8 hr train ride is insanity. what are u reading rn (i wish every train was the shinkansen so you could get everywhere in 2 minutes. imma implement that when im president of the universe)

i hope u achieved ur goal. ive actly never read percy jackson i kinda skipped the ya phase which probably means i didn’t have a childhood or smth idk

BRO YOU HAVENT READ HUNGER GAMES??? that was like the only ya one i actually read… maybe YOU didn’t have a childhood

omg HIM… my friends and i are all arguing over whether he’s attractive or not… he kinda reminds me of a less chiselled lucky blue smith

oooo chris… he’s handsome but a little too handsome… it’s suspicious to me

anywayyy im not up to much it’s about 7 hrs ish until 2024 and i did my nails and they’re very fragile so I can do absolutely nothing lmao but im also working a little before my nye dinner

what are YOU. up to.

also yeah it’s a total dead giveaway lmao and it definitely helps my inbox is dead asf HAHAHAH

[reverie-starlight]

anywayyy now that my little rant is over let's talk about how I've been thinking of rockstar!semi all day

[foursdarkdays]

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

(PLEASE DONT READ THIS IM BEGGING YOU)

Ouch. That stung. Very bad. Ahh i can feel my heart breaking into pieces and im having a breakdown. I feel so so so helpless. I really can't do anything about this. I have no way out now do i? Please universe please please help me please.

I'll do anything. Hold me from breaking apart every time. I should be used to this by now?

Right? It's been so long. It should be normal. But as the days go by i can't take it. I'm breaking so bad. This is why i hate love so much. Only pain and hurt. But do you think i can let go? No. The most dumb and stupid award should be given to me. I hate everything

6:46 (19/8/24)

I want a day where it doesn't hurt me anymore.

But i guess that day will be the day im not in love anymore and I've completely lost feelings. I dont want that.

7:06

I love myself too much. I want to be happy. I will be happy. Me me me me and only me.

Every time i close my eyes her Instagram story flashes ahhh i want amnesia. I want to hid my head somewhere and lose all my 24 years memories. It hurts THAT much. Or maybe I'm over reacting too much. Its prolly the latter lol ok.

But i know its something she can't help too so lol both of us are helpless. Im just opening up here and she's not. Now i need to give my brain some rest. I'll be offline the whole day to heal

7:47