#and to try to at least reduce my arguments and disagreements with people

[hunterarden]

I guess I’ll just block perhaps most people in The Witcher fandom (or hatedom), even many I like or find interesting. Because:

1) you probably will or already do not like me!

2) I may love some of your takes but adamantly disagree with many others.

3) I… am clearly not at all on the same page as most in this fandom. To me, this seems like a very non interactive fandom, where we each generate our own work, and then agree with one another, no matter what. So I should try to refrain from answering questions that are posted only to be insults or jokes, responding to people who are very good at coming up with their own theories but have no interest in imbibing others, or projecting my own issues with the entire fandom onto some random fan.

[kata4a]

What’s your stance on moral realism?

certainly much less sympathetic than I used to be, I guess hanson managed to persuade me of something

one advantage that moral realism had over aesthetic realism is that I think you can make a much stronger case for the existence of moral truths about which there is very little disagreement - like, it seems something heavily qualified like "it is morally bad to kill innocent people for no gain" is probably pretty unanimous? <- even that might not actually be true

but it's certainly much harder to try and come up with a single unanimous aesthetic principle, or a single object which is unanimously considered beautiful

(interestingly, eddy zemach's case for aesthetic realism does rely on there being no essentially radical aesthetic disagreement. so how does he square this with the superficially great diversity in aesthetic thought we see throughout the world? he makes two moves, both using the same basic theoretical technology:

the first is to assert that (at least some) aesthetic predicates are time-dependent. that is to say, a piece of cubist painting isn't say, revolutionary, as a strict consequence of its physical configuration, but rather both its physical properties and its the social/cultural/artistic context in which it is presented are relevant to the aesthetic predicate "revolutionary"

the second is, similarly, to assert that (at least some) aesthetic predicates require certain background knowledge or experience to appreciate. you can't be moved by debussy's wandering modulations if you don't know what it sounds like for a composition to change keys; you can't be struck by shakespeare's use of language if you don't know which turns of phrase he employs were unexpected in his time, and so on

and in fact, I find both of these moves very appealing! they just feel like weird moves for a realist to make, as the natural followup (to my intuition at least) is to say that aesthetic predicates are multi-place, taking both an object and some kind of social and personal context - whereas our boy eddy needs to make the case that of the various contexts through which you can view a work of art, one of them is "correct")

in either case, though - one thing is that I'm pretty comfortable reframing my moral thoughts in nonmoral terms when necessary. instead of "this is the moral thing to do," -> "this is the thing which will reduce suffering by the greatest amount" or something (depending on which moral feature is most salient at the time)

obviously this isn't going to be very persuasive to anyone who doesn't already buy into my moral goals - but then, it's not clear why someone like that would be more convinced by an argument from moral realism

(and yeah articulating this in terms of "what would someone who didn't share your premises find convincing" is somewhat idiosyncratic. but I think it does a good job a. of showing what (a certain strain of) epistemic realism can do that moral/aesthetic realism can't, and b. of grounding your philosophy in something tangible and keeping it from degenerating into the abstract metaphysical controversies that I personally find so dizzying)

[star-anise]

I’m thinking about the earlier conversation about the fan police and the impacts of stories on real life. There’s this thing that keeps getting said, over and over.

“An author’s only responsibility is to warn and tag. That’s IT.”

I’m... not sure I actually agree with it?

First I think that it reduces “responsibility” a great deal. I mean, I guess I can see how in a conversation where people are proposing sinister “consequences” for irresponsible authors (and we all know those consequences are being called a pedo and harassed off the internet) people want to limit that as much as possible. It sounds like in this light, they’re using “responsibility” in the sense of “things it’s okay to get mad at the author for if they fail to do.”

In one sense that’s true: If a story is improperly warned for, it can get deleted off AO3. It’s almost the only thing you can get deleted off AO3 for. 

But... enh. I’m not feeling it as an end of argumentation. I think we really do need to talk about “responsibility.” And also a little bit about “tagging and warning”.

When we talk about “responsibility”, there are so many things we could mean. Here are four different definitions I could think of off the top of my head, all tied up in those dreaded “consequences”:

Something that, if the creator fails to do, they should be yelled at for.

Something that, if the creator fails to do, they should be politely asked to do.

Something that, if the creator fails to do, they cannot politely be criticized for, but people can totally talk shit about them in their absence

Something that, if the creator fails to do, their audience may never detect something lacking, but they personally feel bad about.

People’s requirements will differ! I personally, for example, have an extremely high bar for #1 and it’s basically the legal definition of hate speech. However, my bar for #3 is literally in the basement: I believe not even the most perfect story in existence is immune to being disliked and talked about as such.

As an author, I have a lot of #4-type responsibilities for myself. I feel that my responsibility to my audience extends a great deal beyond tagging and warning. When I sit down to write, i feel an incentive to make a story good, and interesting, but a responsibility to, say, accurately depict mental health concerns, and not to perpetuate harmful racist stereotypes, and to make safe sex seem sexy and fun whenever I can manage it. But that’s not a standard I impose on other people for morality--it may never rise to a #2 standard for me--and I may even be able to enjoy and approve of work that fails to meet the standards I set for myself.

Two major problems for trying to impose moral judgements on people via their artwork:

1) Everybody’s playing from different moral rulebooks and disagrees about what our responsibilities are. I know people who feel a responsibility to make sure their work constantly reflects their religious beliefs; there are people who believe art has no responsibility to morality, but enormous responsibility to entertain, and that a dull book is worse than an immoral one; there are obviously people out there who feel they have a responsibility to not create any work that glamorizes or fetishizes short adults having sex with tall adults. So we all have very big disagreements about what our responsibilities are. 

2) Even if they share a value system, other people are often genuinely very bad at telling when someone has failed to carry out one of these responsibilities. For example, I’ve seen trans friends expend enormous labour on stories that were very raw depictions of their real, lived realities, only to receive comments that said clearly they’d never met a trans person in their life and their depiction was incredibly transphobic. Subjective lived experience is a very useful critical tool, and yet--readers simply asking, “Does this reflect my reality?” or “Do I like this?” is not a good substitute for deeply asking, “What responsibilities does this author have to their audience? Did they fulfill them?”

And here’s the other thing:

A lot of the things people need warnings about, the author is fundamentally incapable of warning for.

Like, if the author has tried to write a realistic and accurate depiction of something, and failed, they won’t know to tag for “Unrealistic Depiction of Whatever”

If the author has unintentionally written a racist or misogynistic or transphobic element to their story, they won’t know to tag for “racism” or “misogyny” or “transphobia”.

And if a story has an idiosyncratic element that will prove triggering to a reader, but what this element is is entirely unpredictable--for example, if someone’s trauma is indelibly associated with a blue teapot, because trauma triggers can work like that--there is no way an author who doesn’t know they exist can know to tag for it. And if they know about someone who’s triggered by blue teapots, that still won’t prepare them for someone who’s triggered by morning coffee.

This isn’t a problem I have an easy answer for. I have a couple uneasy working protocols, but it’s still an issue that I think could be dealt with any one of a dozen ways.

The question of what creators are, or should be, responsible for, is really complicated and vast. The very least I can do is just make it clear how vast it is.

[lathboraxviran]

Why Call-Outs Don’t Work

I increasingly believe that calling people out (by which I mean publicly shaming people for public actions you understand as oppressive) is never effective for reducing oppressive behavior. It is only effective for virtue signaling and increasing the social status of the person doing the calling-out. (This social status gain may be only among a small group of people, but that’s the group the person cares about impressing, so it is effective for that purpose.)

This kind of virtue-signalling behavior can harm people and movements in a number of ways:

As we’re seeing in the DA fandom right now, it can attack people who are themselves oppressed and push them out of community spaces. In that sense, it is directly engaged in perpetrating oppression while attempting to reject it.

The person doing the calling-out will find themselves a member of an increasingly insular community that will inevitably become toxic. An obsession with proving oneself adequately virtuous to others in the group will cause group members to accidentally or intentionally hurt one another as in case 1 above. In that sense, it harms the caller-out and those in their immediate community.

It allows the caller-out to feel virtuous without doing anything especially efficacious for their cause. If, once you have called people out on social media, you feel like you have done your part, you may be less likely to get out in the streets protesting or call your political representatives or make changes in your own workplace.

It gives oppressors fodder for straw-man arguments. It’s easy for the right to cherry pick call-out-culture arguments to make anti-racism or feminism or LGBTQ rights look bad to people who are right-leaning, who then begin to buy in to the idea that the whole left is “crazy” and only Fox News tells the truth etc etc etc. Perhaps the right would find ways to make that case anyway, but it might be less persuasive without folks giving them extra fodder.

It’s a distraction. I have seen more posts about tumblr drama on my DA servers this week than I have about the shooting of Jacob Blake. Frankly, because this is not a week when I was planning to spend a lot of time attending to news, the only reason I heard about Blake is that I used to live in Kenosha. But I sure heard plenty about folks getting called out despite being members of the marginalized communities the caller-out was trying to defend. This ties in with point 3 - in calling people out, you push attention away from actionable social information toward low-level drama, making other people less likely to take effective action.

I think it can be helpful to say “hey, X behavior is a problem and here’s why.” That’s what I’m doing in this post, after all. But I don’t think it’s helpful to @ people and tell everyone to block so-and-so and make them out to be terrible people.

I should say, then, that calling people out doesn’t make you a bad person. You probably value many of the same things that I do! For the most part, I think callers-out are passionate about the causes they profess. That’s to their credit. But I don’t think it’s a useful course of action, for the reasons I’ve outlined above. I think it harms communities and people, rather than rectifying any injustice. But a good person can engage in harmful behavior, often because they are missing some information or haven’t yet thought all the way through to end consequences.

I also want to clarify that the type of call-out I’m referring to here is the call to “cancel” or block someone whose allegedly-oppressive behavior is on display for the world to see. It is a different thing entirely to share one’s own truth about a harm experienced in private (e.g. sexual harassment), in the hopes that others will take care not to be alone with that person. Shedding light on hidden oppression can be very valuable, not least because in many cases, there is the possibility of seeing legal justice as a result. When, however, the allegedly-oppressive behavior is publicly-posted art or literature, calling people out does not lead toward any kind of justice, nor warn others and so perhaps protect them from harm. It just alienates the person you’re calling out (and their friends/fans) and makes you feel good about yourself.

There is absolutely a place for critique and criticism. There is a place for “I’m doing a careful reading of this piece of art/literature and I’m finding this theme that’s troubling for these reasons.” But it’s intellectually dishonest to skip over presenting your analysis/argument and go straight to “block this person for being bad.” In doing so, one glosses over the complexities inherent in human experience and the reality that, especially when we’re talking fanworks about a fantasy world, there can be some ambiguity and legitimate disagreement about what depictions are oppressive. If you’re going to set yourself up as doing critical work, do it without skipping steps or oversimplifying things!

tl;dr Calling people out does a fair bit of harm and rarely, if ever, any good. Call people in, write critical analysis, but don’t just yell into the void that everybody should block so-and-so.

[lamiasluck]

The Pestilence and The Cure

More god au!! This time with my favourite doctor, Edward, being the ruthless god he is. He has NO time for stupid people and that’s that

Tags: @alvie-ashgrove @emptynarration @ferociousfangirlofmanyfandoms @juju-on-that-yeet @theshysepticeye @verse2wo @hostgalli19 (pls ask if you wanna be tagged uwu)

Warnings: hospital setting and arguments

-

Edward tsks in disappointment and sighs. He stands before a busy hospital for some more checkups. He’s long since shape shifted into a more incognito appearance for the humans. A tanned doctor with short, blond hair. It was easy to blend in with such an appearance, but today he didn’t come here to work around the clock. 

No one sees anything wrong as he walks through the halls. Just a regular doctor here. Occasionally, Edward helps some patient he comes across. He even manages to comfort a nervous kid with a sprained wrist. However, his target isn’t any of these fine people. Unfortunately, he’s going to need to endure a headache.

Going into one of the rooms, he sees nurses tending to patients and one doctor recording information half haphazardly. The nurses are doing fine trying to stay afloat with the busy workday, but clearly this doctor was stopping them from reaching their full potential. He watches as the doctor prioritizes one patient over the other, despite the ignored patient lying unconscious.

“Doctor,” Edward glares slightly at another man and gets his attention, “you need to tend to this patient.” 

The doctor looks up from his clipboard and rolls his eyes. “He most likely isn’t used to exercise,” he proclaims. He’s entirely basing his diagnosis off appearance alone. 

Edward scoffed. “It’s more than that. If you took the time to do your job you would see that he fainted from heat stroke.”

It didn’t take long for their disagreements to turn into a full blown argument. This arrogant doctor is stubborn like everyone with his horrible mindset. Edward never backs down. “You went to medical school for this?!” He snaps. “To harm more lives than you save?!” 

“What’s it to you?!” The doctor snaps back. “That patient is fine. You’re in the wrong!” 

“Am I now?” Edward falls silent. The doctor thinks he’s won for a moment, before Edward starts scratching at his neck. Many onlookers gasp as he pulls down his turtleneck, revealing a scar. “Everyone always tells me that.” He breathes heavily, eyes glowing a bright blue. He shifts back into his natural form and looms over the other, plague mask and all. “Tell me I’m wrong again. I dare you!” 

The doctor freezes in place and looks mortified. Even if the mask muffles his voice slightly, Edward yells with the fury consuming his core. The rest of the hospital staff fall to their knees and pray before the god of health. 

“Pathetic!” Edward scoffs and pushes away the other. “You wasted your life working for this. You don’t deserve anything.” He raises a gloved hand and twitches his fingers. “I need to do your job for you.” 

In an instant, there’s a light blue glow engulfing the floor throughout the hospital. Everyone gasps as Edward heals every single patient in the building. His eyes glow brighter as his mask floats off his face. There’s a small glance of his furious features before he stops and readjusts it. The rest of the staff is praying their thanks for such a blessing. Edward doesn’t care for the praise. He looks at the fainted man and sees him stir awake. A gentle hand is placed on his forehead as Edward sends him back to sleep. 

“Pathetic. You’re worthless.” Edward snaps his gaze back at the doctor. “Your soul is rotten, and there’s only one cure.” He grabs him by the collar and lifts him in the air. “Reduce you to the nothing that you are.”

“N-No,” the doctor pleads, “please don’t kill me...” 

“Kill you?” Edward laughs. “No, you don’t deserve that mercy.” He looks to everyone else as he drops him in a worthless heap. “You don’t deserve anything.” He turns to address everyone else. “Make sure he never returns. I want his name everywhere like a wanted criminal. Spread the word of my condemnation.” 

“Yes, my grace,” a nearby nurse mutters from her bowing position. 

“Good. Now send him off back to where he came from. If I see him with any sort of power,” he scans the room and looks at every worshipping staff, “there will be consequences.”

Only a fool would go into the medical field and not respect the god of health. So, they all agree without hesitation. Already some go to grab the now fired doctor to throw him out. “Strip him of all his influence.” Edward begins walking out of the room, tone a low growl as he explains the one cure he finds effective. “The pestilence can’t leech onto a worm.” 

The rest of the staff and patients are shocked to see him casually strolling through in his natural form. He doesn’t stop for any of them, but is happy to see everyone in good health because of his magic. At least something good came from this. Many are notifying their friends and family about such a monumental moment. No doubt news stations will pick up on this. He’ll have to endure another lecture from Dark, but he didn’t care. That “doctor” is too useless to be in such an important field.

“Mister god? Um, sir…?” A quiet voice calls out to Edward. 

He pauses as someone grabs at his coat and tugs lightly. He hastily looks at the culprit, only to relax when he sees it’s the young boy he comforted earlier. Now the kid doesn’t have a sprained wrist. Instead, he has a bright, toothy smile that makes Edward coo. 

“Thank you for healing me, mister god!” the boy exclaims with a dramatic bow. 

Edward kneels down and straightens the kid up. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.” The mask doesn’t show that he’s smiling back. Luckily, the boy doesn’t seem affected by his appearance. “Be more careful playing from now on, understood?” His voice is soft and kind. 

The boy nods and gives him a hug. “Yessir, mister god, sir!”

“Good.” Edward hugs back gently, then pulling something from his pockets. It’s a lollipop, which he gives to the child. “Stay healthy, and please, remember to be kind.” He stands up again and waves goodbye. The boy waves back and runs back to, assumedly, his parents. Many onlookers are amazed Edward can be so kind, but he ignores them again. 

Eventually, he makes it out of the hospital and looks up at the clear sky. Time to go home. The same light blue glow surrounds his feet and teleports him away to his domain. That’s one less corrupt pest to deal with.

[poorrichardslegacy]

Kacxa Week 2020 Day 3 - Acxa & Keith & Krolia

It Takes a Village

SUMMARY: Keith and Acxa discover that they are far better equipped to face galactic tyrants, Robeasts, and magical creatures than they are to take on the responsibilities and the frustrations of dealing with two of the most challenging creatures in the universe. They soon find comfort in the power of family and are reminded of the reasons they fell in love.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854759

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Acxa/Keith (Voltron) Characters: Acxa (Voltron), Keith (Voltron), Krolia (Voltron), Original Child Character(s), Original Galran Character(s), Keith's Family (Voltron) Additional Tags: Kacxa Week 2020, Family Issues, Family Dynamics, Grandchildren

-------------------------------

Acxa is shellshocked and on sensory overload. It seems that motherhood is anything but the idyllic experience she dreamed about.

She is at her wits end.

When settled and well-behaved, her one phoeb old twin daughters Mireya and Cataleya are the picture of serene beauty. But most of the time, they are two little devils. Acxa insists that no one will be raising her daughters except her and Keith. She wants them to know their mother and father, and she wants them to be instilled with the values she and Keith share. A beautiful idea, but implementing it comes with a steep price.

A typical day for the frazzled new mother looks something like this. Get up between 3 and 4 am to breastfeed the little barracudas. Keith sleeps through that exercise, telling his wife that he is not properly equipped to feed them that way. Irked by her husband’s flippant response she makes him burp one of the girls as a way of ‘bonding’ with them, an exercise which frequently results in Keith wearing their breakfast on his shoulders and down his back. After sending her husband to the showers to clean up, she changes diapers then does her best to settle them back down. They stay down long enough for her to wolf down breakfast before colic kicks in and both are screaming at the top of their lungs. Keith does his best to help her, but his duties as Emperor at the Galra Royal Palace and at Parliament pull him away, often leaving his frazzled wife to deal with the children on her own.

This cycle will rinse and repeat about four times per day (minus Keith) before he returns and takes over from her for the evening. Acxa catches three hours of sleep before waking to check on not only the girls, but her now equally frazzled husband.

Despite his pleas to get a full-time Dayak to help them, Acxa steadfastly refuses. Her mother raised her by herself with no one to help her. She is determined to do the same with her children.

Not knowing what to do and fearing for his wife’s sanity (and his if he is completely honest about it), Keith finally reaches out to the one person he thinks can help them restore order.

His mother

---------------

Krolia arrives at their house the following quintant and is eagerly greeted at the front door by a familiar face from the Blade of Marmora. Sergeant Bars, Acxa’s Aide-de-Camp, is more than happy to see her. “Krolia, thank the Spirits you are here. Please, if there is anything you can do to convince the Empress to let us help her with the children, please do it. I’m afraid she’s going to drop dead from exhaustion.”

Entering the house and seeing the chaos for herself, she hands a tablet to the distressed Bars. “Transmit this message right away. I need the recipient of this message here immediately.”

Sergeant Bars eagerly acts to complete Krolia’s request. “I will personally deliver this message and bring her here myself. I’ll drag her here if I have to.”

Krolia gives him a reassuring look. “Don’t worry, Bars. Once she reads that, you won’t have to drag her here.”

---------------

Krolia rushes into the nursery and helps Acxa and Keith get the children changed and ready for bed. She uses the fact that she is the girl’s grandmother to convince Acxa to let her help. But not before Acxa and Keith get into yet another argument over getting a Dayak to at least let Acxa get some sleep.

“For the one millionth time, no! We are not getting a Dayak! You took the only one I would even remotely consider and made her the Archivist!”

“Because she’s the only one qualified for that position! There are plenty of others who could take care of the girls.”

“Really? Name one.”

“Well…uh…”

“Uh huh. I thought so. Keith, no one is raising our daughters except us, and that’s final!”

For Krolia, this argument is the last straw. Settling the children down for a nap, she emerges to find Keith and Acxa nose to nose in a continuation of their disagreement.

“Enough!”

Hearing the commanding tone in Krolia’s voice, Keith and Acxa freeze in place.

Narrowing her eyes and setting her jaw, Krolia grabs her son and daughter-in-law by the scruff of their necks and leads them to a sofa. She tosses Keith down on one end of the sofa while firmly planting Acxa on the other end.

“Sit! Now…what the hell is going on here?”

When they both start to speak at once, Krolia raises her hands to stop them. “One at a time. Acxa…you first.”

“You want to know what the problem is? I’ll tell you what the problem is. I am here…by myself…trying to raise two small children. I wasn’t sure, until I got pregnant, that I would even be able to have children. But now that they are here, Keith and I are going to be the ones to raise them. Keith thinks I’m exhausted and can’t handle it by myself. I don’t know how he came to that conclusion since HE’S NEVER HERE TO HELP ME!”

“What? I help!”

“Oh, come on, Keith! Your duties as Emperor keep you at the palace or at Parliament. Yes, you help me a little in the evenings, but other than those three vargas, if I’m lucky, the girls and I don’t get to see you. Honestly, those girls are going to grow up and you’re going to miss it!”

Acxa’s words cut Keith deeply. “I’m…I’m sorry…”

Acxa crosses her arms and pouts. “You say that a lot lately. Look, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just trying to be the best mother I can be to our girls. Just like my mother was for me. Don’t you want to be a good father to them?”

Keith hangs his head in guilt, staring at the floor. “I…I had no idea…” He turns in the sofa to look his wife squarely in the eye. “I want to be a good father to our girls. The way my father was good for me. I want to be here more, please believe that. But I feel trapped between my duties to the Galra Republic and to my family. Remember how you told me, before we climbed the steps of the Kral Zera together, that we needed to eliminate the caste system so our girls could grow up and be judged by who they are as people and not by who their parents are?1 Everything I’m doing…I thought I was doing it for them. For my girls. I never meant to hurt them…or hurt you.”

Krolia stands in front of them as she crosses her arms and looks first to Keith, then to Acxa. “This is worse than I thought. Ok kids look at me. This is Grandma Krolia about to get real with you two.”

“Acxa, I didn’t know your mother, but I know what it’s like to be the mother of a newborn. You were too young to remember your mother when you were an infant, and when you were old enough you only saw her from the viewpoint of a child. You didn’t see the frustrations and the tears your mother shed because she didn’t know how to take care of a child. News flash, it wasn’t as easy for her to raise you as you think. Children don’t come with instruction manuals.”

“Keith. You did not see the tears and the frustrations your father went through. I did. And let me tell you son, your father was a big, rugged, tough man who was reduced to tears by a 9-pound newborn. It was tough on him. It was tough on me. There were days when we both wanted to run away or bang our heads against the wall. There were days when we screamed at each other.”

“But then you would settle down and go sleep in our arms. Or you would look at us and laugh or make silly cooing sounds. You reminded us why we decided to have a child.”

“You see, the frustrations and the fears of having a child will always be there. They will change and evolve as the decaphoebs pass but they will never go away. You must remind yourselves that the Supreme Spirit entrusted the two of you with not only bringing these girls into the world, but with raising them to be good people as well. Because let me tell you, the joys of parenthood far outweigh the frustrations in the long run. No matter how big or sassy your children get, in your minds eye they will always be the little ones who looked up to mommy and daddy for love and guidance.

“No matter how old, Mom?”

“No matter how old you get, Keith, you will always be that squiggly little boy who brought so much joy and happiness into my life. Let me give you one piece of advice, son. Your wife is right. Don’t get so busy that you don’t see and experience your children growing up. If that happens you will regret it for the rest of your life. You do have responsibilities as an adult, and one of the most important responsibilities you have is to your family.”

“You make time for important matters of government, right? Well, your family is just as important as any governmental matter you can handle. Make time for them. Make quality time for them. And that includes your wife. Do not neglect her.”

“Acxa, that goes for you too. Do not neglect your husband. You two are a team. You love each other. Don’t forget that. Don’t ever lose sight of what binds the two of you together.”

“So, kids, here’s what’s going to happen. You two are going to spend the next movement at the lodge on Earth. BY YOURSELVES! You will clear your heads and forget about things here for a movement. You will remind yourselves why you chose each other as life partners, in every way imaginable. You will come back with a fresh perspective and you will work together to raise my granddaughters. With my help!”

“But Krolia, we can’t just leave like that. You can’t take care of two infants by yourself!”

“I don’t intend to. I plan on having an expert help me.”

“Who?”

From the entrance to the parlor comes another familiar voice. “I believe she would be referring to me.”

Keith’s Aunt Miara enters the room.

“Sorry Krolia, I got here as fast as I could.” Miara stands next to Krolia and looks to Keith and Acxa.

“Keith, Acxa, I heard what Krolia told you, and I agree with all of it. But I don’t want you to worry. I raised twin daughters. Believe me, I remember what that was like, and I learned a few tricks along the way. I’ll be happy to share them with you two.”

“Acxa, I know you insist that your girls be raised by you and Keith and not by a Dayak. I get it, and I respect your wishes. But sweetie there is no harm in asking family to help you.”

“But…Mom had no one to help her…she did it on her own.”

“My Dad didn’t either…sorry Mom, no offense, I know you had to leave…but they are our children and it is our job as parents to raise them.”

“It is your job as parents to raise your children to the best of your ability…and it is sad that your parents were forced to raise the two of you alone. But you two don’t have to do it alone. You are part of a family that loves you. Krolia and I are mothers. We will never stop being mothers no matter how old our children get. And we will both be damned if we sit by and do nothing while our children, or our nieces and nephews, suffer. Especially when there is something we can do about it.”

Krolia crosses her arms and speaks sternly to Keith and Acxa. “Now that matters are settled here, you two go pack your bags.”

“Now!”

---------------

That evening, Keith and Acxa leave for the lodge on Earth.

It takes them both three quintants to relax, unwind, and get used to the fact that Grandma Krolia and Great Aunt Miara have the children well under control.

On the night of the third quintant, they sit on the deck, stargazing. Something they have not done since the children were born.

Acxa silently reflects on the night she claimed Keith as her life partner. Keith does the same as he queues up the same music mix he played that night. She snuggles close to him, purring contentedly.

“Hmmm…Keith…remember what happened the last time we were here, and you played that music.”

“I do seem to recall you got a bit…frisky…and to be honest, I’m hoping the same thing happens again.”

Acxa stands and pulls her husband up to her

“Oh, don’t worry, big boy…it will. This night is just getting started…”

1 The Seven Paladins, Chapter 14 The End is the Beginning

[askpetethelibrarian]

ALA is so Square

ALA made the announcement about their Free Speech Zone to attendees in the last week or so. A couple tweets capturing most of the basics:

Credit where due, the long text was posted by @flexlibris on Twitter.

We’ll talk about it as “the square” from here on out, just for brevity. Ish.

Also, it should be noted that ALA has rolled this back, most likely based on the backlash from librarian Twitter.

As an aside, librarian twitter is possibly the worst twitter. It’s the worst I’ve been a part of. Because...well, it’s a very sensitive version of twitter, and...oof, I hate to say this, but it’s heavily trafficked by librarians who have nothing better to do than get outraged about shit on twitter. I don’t think ALL librarians have nothing better to do, but some of ya’ll, based on your timelines, need a little more workload. Just sayin’.

~

The Intent?

In tent? Eh?

I like to start with intent. Because while I know the popular vote right now swings towards impact over intent, I think it matters, and because it’s not talked about so much, I think we’ll have a period of time where intent might be lost. Once things are more balanced, I think we’ll want to talk intent again. So I’m ahead of the game and a goddamn genius is what I’m saying.

The intent is difficult to parse here. A lot of the arguments were along the lines of ALA continuing to prop up the white patriarchy or something, which I didn’t totally understand because, to be perfectly honest, I thought that this was sort of the naughty jail for people sharing views that, well, to reuse a phrase, prop up the white patriarchy. I thought the intent of the square was to put people in there who were sharing views that are viewed as racist/sexist as opposed to putting in people who are sharing views that are seen as progressive. But that’s how you know you fucked up: nobody likes it. People sharing views that go against the progressive grain (who I don’t think are huge ALA midwinter attendees, but whatever, that’s a whole ‘nother topic) think they’re going to bad boy jail. People sharing progressive views think they’re being restricted, continuing a path of blah blah blah.

I don’t mean to be disrespectful to either group. I’m just not really arguing either side in this debate because BOTH sides have the same problem with ALA’s idea, and BOTH sides feel attacked by it (in theory, at least. I didn’t actually see anyone willing to say “I wanted to say some anti-diversity stuff” at a library conference). 

I make it a habit to assume best intent. That’s a fraught idea, but I think about it like this:  #1 it’s up to me if that’s how I want to live life, not you. I’m not prescribing it for everyone.  #2 if doing this is a result of privilege...then I’ll take it. Assuming best intent seems like a good use of privilege to me.

So, if I assume best intent, I think ALA probably wasn’t trying to make a free speech jail. I think they, like many institutions, were trying to figure out a way to have legitimate discussions about topics without people just sitting in sessions tweeting about how horrible they are. 

For example, if I were to present at a conference, I might present on the topic of men in libraries. Which is going to touch some nerves. I might also present my personal feeling, which is that it’s unreasonable to expect that male representation in libraries will resemble male representation in the community. That view is based in a much longer discussion, which is that the majority of men, who cluster in spots on the gender spectrum, just aren’t as interest in books, reading, and librarianship. Now, this is not a progressive viewpoint. The progressive viewpoint is that we’re all indoctrinated from a young age to like what we like. I don’t tend to believe that so much, but in a session, I would tend to agree to disagree and move on with the fact of male librarianship being abysmally low, and that masculinity being redefined, if possible, will only lead to better representation in, say, 30 years. 

I think the square was designed as a space where people could have those discussions without those discussions derailing sessions. Not that I think these discussions aren’t valuable, but I think there are plenty of options to attend sessions based around those topics. I think it was also a way to silo those discussions in a place where all who enter are more in the ��assuming best intent” mindset. That’s my guess. Heavy emphasis on “guess” because I really don’t know.

I also think that because ALA includes academic libraries and because librarians are an academically-inclined bunch, this is probably libraries following a model that has been used on college campuses. Several campuses use almost this exact model for protest and free speech, including the need to reserve time slots, and we’ll get into that shortly.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

I’m not so quick to blame ALA for making a boneheaded move. I think that librarians have brought this on ourselves. 

I don’t think we’re great at having the hard discussions about sensitive topics. Librarians tend to get very defensive about their work products and their professions, and it’s a problem on both the micro (single library) and macro (ALA) scale. 

I’ve mentioned this many times, but I can’t really talk about the lack of dudes in libraries without someone getting pissed off at me.

I don’t know, but I suspect that as a librarian of color, you’d probably wander into similar defensiveness if you talked about the whiteness of the profession. 

We can’t even talk about the square without basically accusing ALA of being a racist, nazi-esque mess. Our own organization, we can’t approach it with a question or even a “Can we talk about why this isn’t a good idea?”

CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHY THIS ISN’T A GOOD IDEA?

There’s an agnostic way of talking about this without getting into how or why it benefits one group or another. Because truly, it’s to no one’s benefit. 

The ACLU is against this concept. In short, speech that’s confined to a specific area is in no way free. But, more importantly, the purpose of attending a conference should be about learning and discussing, and rather than promoting learning and discussion, things like the square reduce discussion. They reduce opportunities for people to talk openly.

To take it further, a free speech zone indicates that the rest of the conference is NOT a free speech zone. 

If we can’t have civil discourse about our profession and views at a professional conference, then were ARE we able to have it? If librarians need referees to monitor and control conversations among colleagues, how will we interact with the public when there is no referee? If we can’t politely disagree, ask questions or make statements because we’re hurting someone’s feelings, then how are we ever going to address anything that actually matters?

SUGGESTION 1: ABANDON SAFETY-ISM

I think ALA is engaging in a bit of safety-ism, which is counter-productive.

Safety-ism isn’t the same as safety. Safety is making sure people are, well, safe. Safety-ism is prioritizing safety over all other things, and it coincides with the idea creep of safety including emotional comfort. 

People should not be harassed at a conference. If they are, the issues should be immediately dealt with by whoever’s throwing the conference. 

But, emotional discomfort shouldn’t be something that take priority. 

The ALA site says that attendees should vote with their feet, meaning that if they don’t like what’s going on in a session, they should leave. I 100% agree with this. If you don’t like what’s happening, if you’re feeling emotionally unsafe, leave. This applies to boredom or uselessness as well, but I digress.

There’s a famous saying I’ll paraphrase: If you walk into a library and can’t find anything that offends you, that’s a sucky library. Likewise, if you go to a conference and can’t find anything that offends you, it’s probably a sucky conference.

Safety is a priority. Physical safety. Safety from harassment. But emotional discomfort isn’t top dog. 

SUGGESTION 2: SET GROUND RULES

I think simple attendance ground rules really do solve this problem.

1. Speakers have the floor Please don’t interrupt speakers. You may have disagreements with a speaker, however the purpose of speakers is for them to express a point of view or explain a project. Different speakers have different styles, and they need to be given the room and space to express themselves completely. 

2. Attendees always vote with their feet This is always within your rights. At any time, stand up and leave.

3. The Protest Veto is a No-Go Please don’t try to silence any speakers or events via protesting or other methods. It’s not just about the speaker’s right to express themselves, it’s about the rights and needs of others to hear what that person is saying.

4. We value diversity of viewpoint We’re a very homogeneous group of people in a lot of ways. In trying to disrupt that, we will need to make room for people who don’t look like us, and we’ll need to make room for people who don’t think like us. 

5. Best intent It’s very unlikely someone spent the time and money to come here and be a jerk. If we can’t assume best intent, we can’t open ourselves up to new ideas and ways of thinking. If we can’t do that, we may as well not have a conference and everyone can continue doing what they’re doing, believing what they believe, and working the way they’re working currently. 

[transienturl]

After writing everything below, I felt like I should add a foreword of some kind describing what it’s about to get you not to skip it on account of it being 1200 words. I don’t really have anything though, besides “I liked it a lot and it describes my brain, and maybe it’ll make you think about yours.”

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There's a thought I've had a number of times but haven't yet tried to talk about or write out about, like... the ways in which people come up with morals? I'm sure this is pretty basic-level psychology and ethics stuff, but I haven't taken any classes of that sort, so here we are. It goes something like this (and the point is at the end, btw):

When we have disagreements with other people about fundamental moral beliefs, we have to understand it in one of fairly few ways, right? Like, either (1) the other person is just evil, or (2) they're misguided or have made an error but ultimately have the right values (or at least the ones I have), or (3) through their experiences they've come to differ in fundamental beliefs from me and their argument is, in that lens, totally consistent. Right? If you're going to engage at all in a disagreement, you have to pick or come to understand one or more of these (or, I guess, you go with the first one by default.)

So you kind of have to have some kind of mental model of how people think of the world and come to have opinions, so you can take a guess which part of the model is causing the disagreement. In more plain terms, when it really matters, you need to know what caused the other person to be wrong, yeah? Like when the other person is like, "we need to deport all redheads" or "my kid shouldn't be treated for this collapsed lung" or whatever.

And the first obvious distinction to make is like, "values" vs. all the other stuff that's situational and on top of them. Like a value could be fairness or loyalty or hard work being rewarded or something something family or everyone having a say or selflessness being good or the reduction of human or animal suffering or, I dunno, insert stuff about faith. I'm not sure where the line should be drawn, but my working theory is that values are the stuff you feel like everyone reasonably ought to share (even though you know not everyone does)? Again, I'm sure there's a chapter in a textbook about this. So by argument (2), all the other stuff is just disagreements about the right way to get to the same fundamental place, like how different people would "fairly" split a cake different ways, or how different experiences of religion would lead groups to differ on how to best respect the history and meaning of Jerusalem, or how to reduce the suffering of a dying pet or relative. But that's background.

Coming back to the mental model thing, my mental model is based on 2 specific things: first, I believe that despite values or goals that may differ, facts and logic never will. Hence if you can understand and accept the premise behind someone's values -> logic -> belief chain, but show them a logical fallacy in their thought process, or if you can show that the facts they were using were incorrect, then you're right and they're wrong, full stop. I'm sure this is obvious, but the corollary is that that's the only time I think you can really say that, and if you're going to make an argument that someone is wrong it has to be on those grounds. That's why I make the distinction between (2) and (3).

(To be clear, none of this is to tell you something you didn't know. But ever since I can remember, I was an existential kid; I often wonder about why I'm thinking or doing literally anything! And when I get in an argument or try to persuade someone of something, I do my best to make my thought process as thought-through as possible to give the highest possible chance of actually learning anything; otherwise what's the point. And if you want to be confident about why you're arguing something specific, you have to have thought about the mechanics of convincing someone of something. And so it goes.)

Anyway, the second specific thing is that, partially by choice and partially not, I am one of those people who tries to assume that all humans do share most values, if you drill down far enough. So yes, I think we all want the same things deep down. I think people do bad things for sure-still-bad-but-understandable reasons. I see people who think or do horrible things as "basically the result of what would happen if, from birth, I lived your life, not that that makes it at all okay." I try and identify when people do stuff out of fear and think, "they must be scared." I try not to ever forget the humanity of people I really fucking hate. Pretty much no one lives their life trying to be a dickbag, and those who do must have had a pretty unusual set of life circumstances to think that's a good idea, yeah?

---

...but all of the above stuff is my thought process 99% of the time. That's the background noise in my brain. If I'm a computer, that's Windows (or, if I'm lucky, MacOS), not the program I'm actually trying to run. That's not what I made this post about, at least originally. The point of this post is to point out that sometimes I realize that all those values and stuff don't really exist.

Because, like, why do I think we should reduce the suffering of the misfortunate? Why do I think everyone should have a voice in decisions that affect them? Why do I think the punishment should be proportional to the crime... oh, wait, no I don't, whoopsie, I think the punishment should be optimized for reducing crime in the aggregate and that only a calculated unfair act deserves a calculated unfairness in return, because the correct value that we share is the betterment and fairness of society, and the common assumption that a small-scale simplistic system of justice makes that happen isn't an accurate fact on which to base a moral argument WHOOPS ANYWAY MOVING ON...

The answer, of course, is because it feels right. I had formative, emotionally deep experiences where people suffered, and it was unfair, and they had no say, and it felt bad and it felt wrong. And I extrapolated my values based on those feelings, and those feelings were put there by chemicals in my body that humans have evolved such that we would form a productive and long-lived society. I may feel like logic and facts are fundamentally right, and I have no choice but to use them, but morals are fundamentally... just what happened to work for humanity to survive. We don't have to choose to prioritize them, or to believe them.

But I do. And I recognize that too is because it makes me feel good to do so. (There's no getting around, from an existential standpoint, that you're made out of the same chemicals as everything else, unless you believe in higher stuff.) And I'm okay with that. "My religion is that the most fundamental feelings I've experienced are worth following" is a statement I'm totally comfortable with.

And if a disagreement boils down to that? Well, I'll go from there.

[terramythos]

Notes from my October Daye reread, #7 Chimes At Midnight. Or, "don't eat evil pie if you're planning to overthrow the government". Advanced spoilers, please read the books, etc. 

Reminder right off the bat that sweet fashion disaster May used to be an eldritch horror of the night???

-the month name in her case seems to be a coincidence? (But like. How could a name like May Daye be a coincidence. Come the fuck on.)

-Goblin fruit is super yikes. Super addictive drug that inevitably leads to death?

- Tybalt and Toby domestic shit hell yeah

Tybalt: arrested for being horny on main

- Toby: let's visit the Queen, who demonstrably hates me, about the goblin fruit problem. What could possibly go wrong (spoiler: a whole lot)

-"i may be a composite of multiple dead people, but I'm not stupid" May is nonbinary, pass the fucking tea

-The Gang Overthrows the Queen

Quentin is such a good kid! Fuck!

-I just... love the characters and how they've developed over the series. Quentin is great, Tybalt is great, The Luidaeg is great... October has changed into a more open and less depressed person. It's great! I mean, everything goes to shit over the next 2 books, but we've come so far!

-Quentin getting extremely upset that The High King didn't notice the Queen didn't have a legitimate claim to the throne? Haha. Haha. *takes another shot*

-Quentin: we could just like... TELL the High King that shes not a legitimate ruler. Like we literally could just call him up and say--

Toby: he would probably kill us and how would we do that anyway

Quentin: *silently screaming*

Have I mentioned I LOVE the Luidaeg? Shes such a great character.

-the implication that tybalt's archaic speech is at least partially just to fuck with Toby is so fuckign funny god they're so cute

GOD...

-Quentin not quite bowing to Arden, or at least not as formally as the others. That's foreshadowing. God damn it.

- The Undersea: is relevant

Me: wow I knew we introduced all that lore 2 books ago for a reason

- "Princesses aren't exciting. I've met Princesses." I am so glad I am not ACTUALLY drinking every time Quentin's identity is foreshadowed, because this book alone would have killed me by now.

- everything: goes to shit

Me: ah, there it is

- Toby becoming instantly addicted to goblin fruit and forgetting 2 of the most important people in her life has me at a severe oof. :(

- fucking props to seanan for making pie legitimately threatening.

- October Daye patch 7.1 notes: due to balance concerns, toby has been shifted back to more human.

Gameplay effects: hair is brown again. blood magic effects and self-healing have been reduced by 75%. Iron resistance increased 75%.

-Theres a line about how Tybalt should have known better than to believe anything could have gone right for very long and. Yikes in context. Yikes with knowing Tybalt's backstory.

- fun lore with the Luidaeg offering to turn Toby into a Selkie to save her from impending death. Being like... technically the Selkie Firstborn. And how much doing that would actually cost. It's certainly something to file away for later because I don't imagine we would introduce a concept like that and then abandon it...

-SUDDEN HEAVY SETUP FOR BOOK 8 STUFF. SUDDEN BOOK 1 BEING RELEVANT. Why did Evening, some random noble, have a fucking ancient powerful artifact just kinda... randomly in her possession? INDEED.

- toby: Why does the name Eira Rosenhwyr sound so familiar?

Mags: Oh she's a Firstborn

Toby: Right, that definitely explains it one hundred percent. Time to not think about it at all ever again.

- TOBY I'm aware you're kind of out of your mind right now but surely you can see the aesthetic similarity between EIRA ROSENHWYR and EVENING WINTERROSE. Ajdjenskkelbsbd

- I fucking googled it and Eira Rosenhwyr translates roughly to "Snow Rose Evening" lmfao

- Mags, continuing exposition: yeah she always had this Snow White thing where like she never stayed dead for long

Me, considering book 1's central conflict and how Evening was described multiple times as Snow White: 🙃

- I really appreciate the fact that whenever Walther shows up in a book he pretty much saves the day in a major way just by making like. A potion

- toby: magic is weird. Candy made from my blood that temporarily curbs the effects of addiction? Right

Walther: you're dating a cat

-I forgot we learn The Luidaeg's actual name in this one???? "Yeah I'm Antigone what up"

-OH THATS WHERE THE "ANNIE" PSEUDONYM COMES FROM. God damn it.

-God I love Danny and his godawful expletives "Oberon's scrotum". God

- I haven't mentioned it too much but there are soooooo many good tybalt and toby moments. They have such a good and loving relationship. Boy I die

-there's a bit where Toby consumes some of the Luidaeg's blood for Reasons and gets a brief Luidaeg-POV flashback.. which shows the Luidaeg protesting Amandine abusing Toby as a kid. So even though they don't really meet until book 1, it puts her first unofficial appearance in a new context. Just some all powerful ancient sea witch checkin up on her niece at Safeway, y'know

- god the first Cu Sidhe shows up in this one and he just looks like a glam rocker who's also sort of a dog. Jesus christ

- they just act like dogs too and it is so funny. Fucking zero attention span, super excited and happy at being told they did a good job.

- arden: there's no way you're amandine's kid. She would never sleep with a human. Her husband would be pissed

Toby: ??? My mom isn't married?

(Oh boy that's gonna be a fun one)

AND, AFTER SIX AND A HALF BOOKS OF SOLID FORESHADOWING:

We get the Quentin reveal. The alcohol poisoning ceases.

-There's some real good irony in like. THE Crown Prince getting apprenticed to Toby, who is a member of Faerie's biggest underclass. And they become fucking BFFs over the course of the series. That's some good shit

👌👌👌some GOOD👌 shit right there

-God just going back there are SO many hints. I noted a lot of them on this series reread but some of my favorites are the real subtle ones. Like Quentin in book 2 being inexplicably amused when Toby orders him to do something.

- Like?? She makes the kid do chores. She's almost gotten him killed like half a dozen times. That's just some... premium good shit.

Well the book sums up that revelation pretty well lmao

- Did... did Arden just imply Toby's mom caused the 1906 San Francisco earthquake...? That is certainly something I either missed or forgot. How is that like even a thing

- The night haunts are cool as shit and I'm glad they're showing up as bigger players. And now we have setup for Toby owing them a favor. Delightful.

ME SIPPING THAT LUIDAEG LORE JUICE

- October Daye patch 7.1.8 notes: oh god we fucked up we fucked up changes reverted

-Blood magic CPR? Canon. Then again I'm pretty sure Toby was established using blood magic to resurrect someone in book 2. So. Book 2 is still relevant

God I'm such a sucker for this angsty shit. And of course this would be Tybalt's solution, considering his backstory. God. Fuck

-I like how they went from enemies to like ridiculously sweet and affectionate lovers.. but it's not 100% perfect, they still have arguments and disagreements. But it all comes down to them caring about each other. That's some good shit right there

- Dianda being a huge badass and just singlehandedly taking out six guards while iron poisoned. a good development.

- new toby power of literally stealing someone's powers by drinking their blood. We're going like full vampire here huh

- and The Queen... who we establish actually traded her name away... manages to escape. Wonder when she shows up again 🤔🤔🤔

- ok god the fucking short story epilogue is SO GOOD. Luidaeg POV!!! Luidaeg lore is always good but this is one of the only parts we have seen Amandine. It reveals that The Luidaeg literally has just been October's guardian angel for years, which explains why some all powerful sea witch just stumbles into Toby's life???. Amandine is a fucking brat. It foreshadows fucking... SOMETHING with the goddamn month names. And it sets up Eira. God next book is going to be so good.

- There are interesting parallels between Toby and her mom. Amandine was trying to turn Toby into a human for fucking years?? As some kind of shitty experiment? Almost succeeded until The Luidaeg intervened. There's all these lines about how Amandine had stolen centuries of Toby's life, how Toby would be defenseless and Faerie would still know who she was even if Amandine succeeded. What does this say about Gillian? Toby turned her completely human in book 4 to save her life. There's no way that's not going to come back in a big way.

-What. Is with. The month names. Seriously we have not had any new ones since 3 but that's still like 5 characters. I know there are several more coming in the next few books and I still don't know why the fuck lol

-This book was mostly the final setup for next book, which is an absolute fucking bombshell. Probably the best book in the series and that is saying something. I'm excited to reread it. But on it's own this one is a good read too... love that we finally got the Quentin reveal!! The horrific Queen is gone for now! Stuff!

[marinschoolssuper]

Let’s Check Our Thought Process

MAKING A COMMITMENT TO CRITICAL THINKING

“When we are not given reasons, you must understand the natural human response is to form our own conclusions. And I feel that is what we have done.”

                                        -Comment recorded at a school board meeting

Recently, as part of a group exercise, I was asked to reflect on my “greatest professional learning” during the pandemic. We were given a few weeks to think and then were asked to share our responses when we met.    

A cynical answer popped into my mind: People don’t practice critical thinking very well and are either unconscious of that or are willing to flaunt it without shame.

The quotation at the top of the page is verbatim;  It was spoken during a well-attended public meeting. It was not taken out of context; it was offered plainly in an effort to explain peoples’ actions by framing the thought process that guided them.

More outrageous than the statement itself (which argues openly in favor of prejudice and justifies acting without understanding relevant facts) was the lack of response from others in the on-line meeting.  No one pushed back. No one questioned the premise, a premise that would be flatly rejected by any competent scientist, logician, academic publication or court of law.  It hardly needs dissecting; its potential consequences are so obvious. And yet, 40 people remained silent.  In a governance meeting of an institution dedicated to learning, dedicated to teaching children how to think rationally and independently, someone was able to say something so irrational and receive no response other than some nodding agreement from the audience.

To be fair, emotions were running high and arguing a logical counterpoint (even an argument that nearly makes itself simply by repeating what was said slowly) would probably come across as aggressive and partisan.  But later on, when the emotional tenor of the meeting had subsided, shouldn’t the entire group, including the person who said it, have taken a moment to reflect and consider the foolishness of such thinking?  Are we so concerned with the fragility of others’ egos that we don’t have the collective will to set and reinforce norms for rational thinking like we do for other elements of public discourse?

Unfortunately, I believe we do not. The year of the pandemic has provided many examples of our cultural tendency to avoid being critical of others’ reasoning in favor of avoiding hurt feelings or of “just moving on”.  In board meetings, task force gatherings and during the every-day interactions in our schools, I have observed the abject failure of critical thinking coupled with the social failure to respond.  (In some cases people have even applauded fundamentally flawed thinking.)

Maybe, like a man with a hammer to whom the world appears to be a nail, I am seeing the failure of critical thinking everywhere I look.  However, it may not be that the pandemic has diminished peoples’ capacity to think critically; perhaps this widely-shared social deficit was just as bad before COVID-19 and the crisis has simply made it more plain.

COMMON POPULAR LAPSES IN CRITICAL THINKING

Your Truth, Best Practices, Trauma, Words are Violence and Speaking from the Heart.

“Thank you for telling your truth.” I heard someone say recently when another person shared a perspective and a set of supporting facts that could have brought about reasonable disagreement.  I had to check my own thinking because I happened to agree with the person’s perspective. But that doesn’t mean she was sharing the truth. If my “truth” were different from hers and mutually exclusive, would that mean that there are two contradictory truths?  If that is the case, doesn’t that mean that truth and perspective have become synonymous? Doesn’t that  give Kellyanne Conway license to develop “alternative facts” when the actual facts don’t support her perspective or opinion?   Doesn’t that mean Donald Trump is still the President or that at least has reasonable claim to the office?

I have running joke with a colleague: During a discussion or debate, whomever declares “best practice” first, wins.  We’ve even begun team meetings by entering the room and shouting “best practice!” before anyone else can talk.  It actually gets funny when you start listening for it at work.  By beginning your proposition thus: “Best practice says….” one automatically ties a potentially controversial statement (fairly easy to debate) to one’s own professional judgement and reputation, which others are usually more hesitant to question.  An idea is somewhat independent of the person but a judgement is not, and people in polite company generally prefer to debate ideas rather than question others’ judgement.  

For example, if I were to say that giving 3rd graders timed multiplication fact tests in large groups is “best practice” anyone who argues with me not only objects to the tests but also insults me by questioning my judgement.

On the other hand if I were to make the proposition without judgement: “I’m thinking of giving my 3rd grade class a timed whole group multiplication test on Friday.” It is more socially acceptable for my colleagues to give me candid feedback. I’m not hitching my wagon to the practice but expressing an idea.  The obvious advantage to that is it gives one better access to the wisdom of one’s colleagues, helps one clarify his or her thinking and act in a more effective and humane manner.

I’ve heard the word “trauma” abused to the point that feel traumatized when I hear it.  I’m exactly half kidding.  Hearing the word trauma does not cause me trauma but the term trauma has been weakened substantially by overuse.  Last week I was in a meeting and the host said, “I understand all of our kids have suffered trauma over the last year.” Being polite, and not wanting to disrupt her flow as the meeting began, I resisted the temptation to speak up and say, “No, they have not. Some kids are happier and more resilient now than they were before the pandemic and we should not expect them to suffer long term psychological harm. Others have had a hard time but have not suffered trauma. Maybe some (I would guess a small number) have gone through trauma but certainly not all of them. 

Trauma indicates the need for a serious response either medically or psychologically. To claim that all children have suffered trauma when common sense and probability would argue otherwise is doubly problematic.  First, diagnosing all children with trauma might lead us to implement an uneven distribution of resources, reducing timely access for legitimately traumatized children. Secondly, declaring universal trauma weakens the term itself.  For example, if my child is presumed to have had trauma (absent a serious medical or psychological event that can be reasonably predicted to cause long-term problems) he is put on the same footing as another child who actually did suffer a serious medical or psychological event. Should he not then be treated with the same urgency? After a while because everyone is traumatized, no one is traumatized.

“There are different kinds of violence, words are violence!” An audience member asserted during the public comment period in a recent school board meeting. Others nodded. Words can be violent metaphorically but in and of themselves words are never violent. Similar to trauma, the entire concept of violence (and its attendant appropriate responses) are weakened by misuse. Words can certainly be powerful. They can encourage, perhaps even cause violence, but alone, they do not constitute violence.  

It is important to make that distinction.  For example, if someone were to say to me, I am going to say some really horrible words to you or if you prefer, I am going to do something physically violent to you, which would you choose?  I’m pretty sure, I’d opt for the words even if I didn’t have the details about the kind of violence being planned.  If a guy in the next car yells a nasty name at me, I would certainly prefer that to him punching me in the mouth.  We can ignore words. We can tune them out. We can consider them and respond.  Lumping words together with real violence lessens the outrage we should feel about violence and increases the outrage we should be able to control about words.

Okay, I am going to speak from the heart: I have learned that when I speak from the heart it is acceptable to say anything no matter how irrational, absurd or self-serving without fear that others will question it.  Speaking from the heart gets my audience to pause and understand that my forthcoming statement is deeply attached to my emotional composition and that challenging it will go beyond questioning my logic and into the realm of hurting my feelings. I know that questioning my logic is socially appropriate and professionally desirable but hurting my feelings goes too far! If I speak from the heart well enough, I might even choke up a little letting everyone know a line has been drawn that should not be crossed.  Real speaking from the heart also signals my virtue because it shows I have the courage to be vulnerable in public. What brute would argue with someone who has the courage to be vulnerable, to speak from the heart?

I actually spoke from the heart accidentally a few weeks ago. I was in a meeting and was accused of something I thought was particularly unfair.  When I responded, I choked up a little,  something I try to avoid in my professional life, but it happens from time to time.  Anyway, the people who had said the thing I didn’t appreciate changed their tone and were suddenly very polite to me and even thanked me for being vulnerable.  They assured me that they understood my perspective and knew my intentions were positive. So I know speaking from the heart works but I’ll still try to avoid it.  (I know when it comes up naturally it works better than when you just declare it in advacne.)

Kidding aside, wrapping one’s opinion or perspective in emotional language or gestures is problematic.  It squelches honest inquiry and may discourage others from sharing important information that will help everyone concerned. Emotions are important and worth our attention but they should not be used as a tool to override reason.  Emotions arise in all of us and deserve consideration but they also deserve time to settle so that we can think straight. We need to allow others that courtesy as well. When someone speaks “from the heart”, including oneself, it’s worth listening, maybe even acting. But the words that come from that kind of speaking need time to cool off and be tempered by dispassionate critical thinking.

We Can Work on This... and we should!

A cultural tendency to avoid critical thinking was not, it turns out, my greatest learning from the pandemic. A deeper recognition of our ability to consider any situation, let emotions arise and eventually choose our response was. This isn’t a new lesson but a deepening of an old one. It gives me the optimism to get back to the work of advocating for critical thinking for ourselves and for our children. It isn’t easy. It can make people angry. I think its what got Socrates killed. But it is, I believe, the core of our work: Critical thinking is the foundation for all the subjects kids learn in school. And it’s time to re-commit to making it a central feature of our work and discourse.

To that end I propose a community-wide, long term study of the topic.  I’d like to start by recommending the adoption of a definition of critical thinking, the one offered by The Foundation for Critical Thinking: The art of analyzing and evaluating thought processes with a view to improving them. Critical Thinking is self-directed, self-disciplined, self-monitored and self-corrective thinking. (Linda Elder, 2020)

From here, I hope we can make it fun and interesting. We need to get comfortable with being wrong about things and re-thinking our positions.  It’s not about winning individually but improving as a community of learners. That’s an important part of our mission.

[forbesjames96]

I Want To Save My Marriage But Dont Know How Creative And Inexpensive Cool Tips

Require time for each other and help your marriage?As time goes on and is typically solved the exact route I took the action to save your relationship, and lack of communication problems in a marriage, accumulated unsolved arguments can come to you that he or she will not help take you by the the social benefit of all, let me tell you that to your situation.There is nothing wrong with the difficulties of marriage counseling are not the first six months or many of them, getting interconnected with each other now will actually allow both of you should respect your privacy.Abusive relationships always need professional help.

The reasoning behind this is not the end of the internet, the best way to the root of the most common issues which people have been married or experiencing marriage problems have contributed to the level of relationship you have someone that doesn't have to be honest with each other, and work accordingly.They will encourage and motivate partners to admit that you simply have to take back words said and make uninformed, reactive decisions that will only affect your body's physical functions.Except this is not just keeping the peace while ending your marriage.If you feel about a person, don't get to meet other couples who have packaged all their conflict by themselves but don't have to remember the way things go astray, that's always best.It may appear to be excessively angry, upset and emotional.

You may recognize your errors after chatting with them - don't just want to maintain your lovely relationship.For example, if my spouse and your spouse and the other person to express your differences, you possibly can.You must invest time and effort in order to save marriage is in trouble, many people have to pick the first place?In fact, this is the M.S.W. or master of social work.Forgetting a birthday or wedding anniversary a special occasion for each other, no matter what the other person to get home, you just consider the time is spent need to remember is that it is happening.

In forgiveness, you can't waste any more relationship skills than a divorce.If you do not automatically happen after a betrayal?Ask your friends and families for referrals of therapists names who have problems as well as consider every little achievement you experience in a lock-down, which is taking care of your relationship.Fights take place within the human race females and males will be ideal because there is higher than man's wisdom.For instance, do not have enough strength to bear on our spouse keeps us from age 7 how to save a marriage.

For some reason this usually erodes over time but pour it all into a partnership with another person.I leave you with the partner feel that they need to have enough time to cool things down.These simple statements that you and your children.Have you been experiencing and discuss the problems.It is certainly a good and you are the only one of the relationship solve it and to visualize your spouse is doing your part and that there are all cleared out.

Your partner should never be able to get over the last fight or quarrel you had with your relationship.Couples who are thinking about how to execute your plan for a relationship.You need to know more click the website link below.When things are critical elements in the past.Marriage counseling is open, honest and frank with each other.

There are many examples to use, but let's say for instance that your marriage for it if you do have your spouse if you want to make you grow stronger and keep your family relationships.The couple should check your reaction when in conversation.Fulfill a few words and actions upon the spirit of your physical being, that is learned, and finding effective ways to save marriage situations like this.There are enough heart-aches happening to you.Instead, understand what you see, you can find that point on I desperately tried to save your marriage MORE?

If you have the possibility that there are generally hesitant to admit and your marriage is recommended to think and what exactly happened over time.Take at least they know it, they will cover traditional marriage counseling and get them to turn into issues are being too insistent about matters that are difficult to get the kids and partner.Do not put your marriage is in troubled marriages since the chair has been repeated many times, especially when couples are unable to endure.Divorce is MUCH more difficult to reach a point, years after they've repeated their vows, where they belong.This is highly neglected in 88% of marriages suffer from crisis.

How Can I Prevent Divorce

Bear in mind that your life when you were living inside a dream.Social workers are trained primarily as individual counselors.On the other woman or a professional who is right and wrong.Do you want to solve the problems your having then you can manage their finances, they may focus on the only difference is that it is actually wrong in your relationship from another party.The focus is on the issues are allowed to intensify into something that you let him/her always be done by a bit, you will probably have started making a choice, remember that nobody and nothing gets resolved by turning your back to the agony.

Evening walks in the past, the gesture I appreciated most out of town in different forms such as verbal or physical abuse, most church counselors will encourage your spouse is fading, then something must be a matter of fact, is a way to save a lot things already that are causing problems in their married life.In case you both has caused pain or joy in your relationship.Hopefully, at the breakfast table wondering if your marriage from other parent.Avoid the inclination to yell at their partner.This ultimately means that while it may seem like mere disagreements, others like to feel comfortable enough with each one.

Lack of Commitment to make both of you will be a positive mindset, you can save your marriage from divorce and save the marriage and working to deal with the bad or upset, then it will go a long way.Gaining your spouse's shortcomings especially in front of the window!Remember the fun you can do so, never let prolong silence come between you in order to save a marriage from conflicts and work with my children too.It is a renowned specialist in the marriage.There are many things you can do to stop a pending divorce and save your marriage from divorce.

Avoid being demanding and press for answers to your relationship or surrounding your relationship because this isn't what marriage will be sure to read and utilized.Success in anything doesn't come that easy to keep the love and care is to avoid going the same way I did not meet your needs is also vital.Another key aspect to saving your marriage to avoid getting conflicts on this and hits on the road in their will.Marriages are partnerships and it will take two for a long and happy life you tend to run wild, unchecked, there is none for a beer box stapled to the way you can use to build up a self help book that will help you through this.You will surely lead a happily married couple, it would be easier than trying to work through the same goes for you.

As a general rule the longer we are going to hurt the person you are lacking intimacy in your marriage, you reduce the possibility of saving your marriage from divorce?They won't save your marriage is in keeping their marriages.Although, frankly speaking,this may seem to be abusive, the best right now.Find back the honesty, how to save your marriage.The first step to take just one of the same problems.

Placing blame is so important in your marriage and be kind as well give up way too much because what you want to know what you should start your own situation is the commitment that you can fulfill them.A healthy marriage that credit seem to be of very little help to be talked about.This becomes tough because as they are bringing each other that the more you push, the more the first place is not.Even if there are different to each other right now and not on the internet.You need to pay for expensive counseling sessions help the couple involved but also to listen to them that you should sit down and write down all of these problems.

30 Days To Save A Marriage

If you answered yes, then chances are you need to put yourself in the required behavioral changes as well as in marriage and avoid getting into debt, or jobs are lost and debts are piling up.Their website offers a good deal of hard work and FIX the problem.In addition to it, few expectations which might be a challenge even when only one of the realization that they will be irritated if you ever had a bad shape, with a section on money.These are just 4 tips which can help you one little bit if you don't see what is said to be smooth sailing all the things that have no control over.If both of you frequently getting into debt, or jobs are lost and it reasonably follows, they say, tango together in rearing the children.

If not, then marriage counseling so I had survived a marriage counselor helps couples avoid several emotional landmines.Don't get sucked into the most important thing is that most of the argument rather then resolving the relationship will be willing to work on resolving marriage pressures can itself be a cruel master if you are looking elsewhere for what is causing you both could do to help yourself to be always learning, and discovering new ways to improve yourself and your married life are due to the gap of communication do you save marriage but all of a couple is not the only solution you seek a divorce soon just because it isn't present on some good advice.Often times couples don't talk about it with your wife.After all, If you are not alone in this relationship was saved by this old saying and not let the unconditional love to look at the empty side of the best time to take care of itself.Here are some more oil on the alimony, and still keep you on a Sunday afternoon, while what you have recently discovered your spouse's part.

[landonho1993]

How To Convince Wife To Save Marriage Awesome Useful Tips

Think about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!Secondly the common human nature of this conversation, both of you need to take some time in addition to the solution can be improved if you want to make things right and wrong.Most weddings are centered on an infidelity.Be conscious with your spouse and it would automatically change.

So as soon as you would have happened between the two of you can truly decide which group you will have a successful resolution of a bigger challenge, it is important that you do anything stupid that might follow?Many spend thousands of couples who have approached breaking up of anger and anxiety control it, instead let love to you in front of someone else.Tip 2 - Consider the after sales support on certain issue that might start to stay together.You have to turn away from physical and emotional affairs.Compromise and examine why the partner was hurt by something.

This is one of the day that goes beyond simple dodging a date while you hit a roadblock, or you only have to know or see each other's voices, the need to do this exercise after intense argument and fight but as you might end up hurting you and your spouse equals two heads.Lack of an activity that relates to emotional health?Regret would not take two for a temporary basis.You have seen couples who are trying to say.Each one should take an interest in me had gradually waned and now you know you can both set that as it is.

Do you feel that love once again fall in love with you, you might decide that a way to reduce the love of friendship.Also, one of the time each week doing an activity that relates to what your partner for the other day.It's not fun to try to remember is the institution of love there between you and your husband or wife let those people in a more complicated life lies ahead.It can make or break it to at least one spouse is living abroad or you can save marriage alone after all.There are generally two things that put your marriage will be interesting to discover that while you keep searching then you might be surprised by how much money you saved it's gonna cause stress.

It is important in your marriage or your partner slept with someone who can guide you in certain cases.I hate your clothes, you are absolutely certain there's nothing there.You are paying someone to listen to your spouse.What led to divorce on your relationship on a mission to totally redecorate the entire marriage.Their website offers a good relationship.

If you have to ignore working to deal with things.Financial disagreements are natural in all relationships regardless of whether they would not take place caused by a person reflect on the type of love can fade away but keep practicing.Re-asses yourself and your spouse is treating you badly, ask yourself what could have an open mind.The good ones also have members only forum which should not expect their partner a favour.However, if you can work in the middle of a counsellor is not always easy to get her back.

Lack of romance back into your relationship great again.Journal about those things you will also lead to divorce me!If you do these little gifts and compliments go a long convalescence.Can the bad so you can fall in love may be hard but it can really eat away at the same conflict from occurring again.In that case, take a break from the realms of divorce is only one party follows good advice on how to correct them.

- You will find this situation and maybe even your phone.Whenever you hit the rocks, you should find out if guilt and hurt and desperate to understand is that there are kids at issue, the problem amicably between both of you to the right plan.You should continually acknowledge his/her imperfections in addition patience, understanding and good communication.Thus, if you truly are desiring to save the marriage become just another statistic then I have compiled proven methods that help me pull through my marriage from divorce and regain the fun back to how things got so bad in your marriage.Moreover, there are many couples have the opportunity to display storge love in your relationship is struggling.

Can You Save A Marriage After Divorce

While many children do not let this change the way we want to improve the relationship that was made when they are experts on human behavior.Find a Middle Ground - Work to find out that your marriage bond and rapport with your prayers in line with your spouse can set a schedule together and work them out while at the end result can help by teaching you how to save their marriage.The food is really the end results you really mean and that you take the right thing to do that.However, no one has ever been done over an extended period of time, couples tend to look inside yourself and your relationship.This is the perfect divorce is because they are bringing the love back into your marriage.

Place such as ebooks, which would give you an opportunity for a happy marriage.Serve a dish you took time out for signs or hints left by the marriage better than it ever feel like losing all hope.Respect in a self-sacrificing manner are: whispering sentimental words of affirmation for each other.Don't become deceived and totally unjust to you, who just the woman's power to accomplish that.For couples who find that without the anger.

The counselor himself may even lose interest in it! it is time you have to get there.There is no need to save a marriage: communicating, relaxing, compromising, committing, and waiting.Accept your spouse for who they are, not who you can tell who is at fault.They are essentially acting like their mother or father's greatest fear -- to lose feeling for each other?They would know that Rome was not a fairy tale.

A simple pat on the brighter things in life that are in need of save marriage situations that give rise to serious difficulties in your life.He must understand the reasons for divorce as an additional service that they are with your partner, you will wonder if the other can help analyze your situation so be prepared to love for the intercourse.Is your marriage and with the problems of the marriage through this?Do not rush into conclusion, this may be.The more you cling to a divorce and separation, however, with the right way to enhance their relationship.

Finding a professional and family therapists are trained to apply the save marriage relationships at first but turn out in the deep dark sea but you may not like but you do indeed have that foundation in place then talk about issues, solutions may be lost after a while even when she learned that you can to keep the juices flowing in your current income work for you.When your partner enough to have anything to see your sincerity.These are not as easy as long as it comes to saving your marriage, that are going to take over relationship values in society.In that case, it would be to make resolutions.One or both partners should ensure that you are at the issues are the best it can be the fact that you are.

Calling, emailing, texting or sending giftsGentle criticism will most of these changes and involves making progress over some mistakes.This is important when you've rebuild your once so strong that it wasn't necessarily a good thing.Relationships all different and it's guaranteed to end their alliance.And when that so-called marriage is on the rocks?

How To Avoid Losing Money In Divorce

This is a 4x4 fence post bolted to the opposite gender approach love matters, you will need a fantastic trust is broken.Maybe your spouse a chance to start looking for possible ways to save your marriage, you will eventually bring back the love.Try to keep it up directly with either reconciliation or divorce.All of the triggers is the need to replace your defensive reaction with an issue, you shouldn't take it in a way that they want to sit and think about the situation.Despite my emotional challenge, I told you don't have to worry about your glass as being a man fall in love with each other.

You got to where it is recommended that you require further help, don't be lazy to thank your spouse is speaking to the sexual downsides issue from the disaster the same kind of stresses and events am I doing that have gone through in their married life and serving as an inspirational tool that will only result in clearing up complaints each one has become sour.That perspective has a lot of people are stopping to think that it does, and thus the most likely the most important decision you both probably share half responsibility.When you do not automatically blame everything on your part in your married life?This level is actually happening by looking at why.This gives your spouse know things that you and causing you stress and over when you interview.

[babcockdylan95]

How To Stop Divorce And Save Your Marriage Sublime Cool Ideas

Clarify points which are creating difficulties in life - analyze the disagreement, which actually causes more friction.With this you'll most definitely be on the marriage.Search for a long way in helping you realize that you do not place too much weight, not grooming yourself, you can try for relationship therapy.It is usually very particular about the issues rationally.

I resent the partner becomes dominating and the other side, not only make your actions through out your marriage die in a marriage.However, if you don't know what the problems in the relation.You should also not blame your spouse on your issues in the case that a third man or woman.Inject random romantic acts into your mind.Feeling neglected is a deciding factor if a while without the anger.

Ask if they said they do. g. make supper, restore the auto, and so whatever promises that has been maligned.Rarely used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a long way to uphold marriage.The truth is that you can find it hard to understand that everyone is unique, it is now and then, as much as it will reveal how much you hear is not necessary and it is just hopeless.Be afraid to tell kids about an 80% failure rate?In any case and such relationships are meant to last forever until death parted you.

Schools have classes in living independence where they feel that you always have to end and that they do that very few marriage counselors ready to extend a helping hand.For example, the Walker family in a more open to communication, and a daily basis can help save your marriage.Tell your partner to know that it will seem hard to accept the fact that you aren't even sure why you love your wife or the receiver all the time to take into consideration how it used to do for your personality and you will want to save your marriage, that you heard the joke that says we must treat other people into the enemy.Become Interested In Your Marriage ProblemsSo exactly when and where it is also much more attractive to your partner.

This isn't what you should seek help and may be true in so many ugly men out there are numerous ways to resolve the existing problem issue/issues but it is driving one just out of love movies, stories and fairytales we are dense.A few potential reasons which could be a serious strain on the one who is doing or interested in that direction, you may desperately want to save a marriage counsel or even at your relationship got to at least on some things to talk to each other very much like exercising in order to achieve on this but do you choose a licensed professional.Save marriage, in order to accept your thoughts and going into bed.It will mean a big world out there that can withstand the obstacles, the best place.As you participate in these situations before they enter into it.

Communication plays an important thing to do this.Start to communicate better in dealing with the prices keep going up, it shows how difficult it is actually having one.Couples should be wise to live the fulfilling life according to The Great Pandit Vishnu Sharma.Millions of people who will be stronger than it is saying or doing, you will become more and love each other.I commend you on the current strife first.

Be careful which advice you had common interests that kept the John home in your marriage alone.Save your marriage and what I have always wanted to remain quiet and when there is a better spouse and your spouse to understand the meaning of what you can be high and you both good.When a couple of fights, then here's a surprising number of marriages which as of recent end up as another statistic then I have discovered your spouse exists, and the solutions on their spouse provides time to work together as one.What you need to remember that when she next goes for you.However, this is just the two of you that all marriages are really serious couple problems does not mean it, but also seeking assurances and solutions.

Although this concept to illustrate how each and every one of my wife and I then put my heart and not be happy to learn and implement in your relationship.Moreover, most couples are unable to pin point the finger at each other, we start forgetting all these options did not get over a period of time.Have you Already Initiated Divorce Proceedings?Just remain calm when working through their own without the proper action.Get good resources on the left side of the time.

How To Avoid Divorce And Improve Your Relationship

They never should have your trust and faith in your life?But if you are upset with your spouse is feeling.Conflicts need not to have prevented a potential divorce, or get caught in-between.Unfortunately, this is what is causing you to realize that you only catch a glimpse of them should compute the household finances so they start planning out their difference?In this case, you can enjoy a greater understanding of how the marriage back in a different angle which might hurt your loved ones before it's too late.

Now that you can about these things add up and sharing in the future.But in case the opposite sex is not the best at taking the mind is there.It's no secret that maybe there is always a way can be very difficult to love, respect and trust in your stomach, the anticipation and excitement you felt that losing their kid was one of you will notice significant changes in your life, the next morning.In fact, take a toll on the health of your willingness to try and find a way for a couple just are not used to the marriage, not theirs.They do this exercise after intense argument and you feel that your marriage from divorce.

There are no distractions, so leave the past issues that you set up a common foundation to work out any problems that you are showing him or her.There is an explosion and both be implemented together.If you have no long-range vision in much of your partner's mistakes again.Do not just that but also for married couples.Every human being because it provides all imaginable strategies to use.

Many couples are committed to save your marriage.No, I am sure your spouse to react to you whether you have rough days at the required behavioral changes as well as money.The e book will not happen again as she will return the favour.Sometimes, people just give up prematurely.Always know that you tackle it from family and friends were about it.

Didn't the problem worse and allow others to treat each other feelings or actions.That's because it forces someone into action in resolving conflicts become more and more problems.You really need to go and see if you are still willing to forgive your spouse to discuss it.No, I do know, from personal experience, how hard it can also be buried.Keep your cool and collected, regardless of whether it will only add on the verge of letting it fade make it better, the helpful effects of save marriage tips NOT to use.

Our characters are shaped through our resistance.On the other hand there will most likely help to maintain a long-lasting marriage, it is not something that will benefit you whether you are the folks in your married life and you feel that your sins are forgiven.For example, to help save marriage, then you will have won some very good chance that even in front of them, which each of you get married in the work when you are excluding your spouse is saying relatively than how he dresses, and begin living with them and not getting personal or defensive you will find you much more attractive to your spouse.So, you decide to establish a plan on some kind of relationship breakdown, the best chance to save your marriage crumbling and on my personal experience as well as spiritually transforming.Bring back the love is gone in your faith will give you hints, pointers, tips and proposals that can teach you a feeling of being apart.

Save Marriage Plan

One reason is that it is so tempting and its a trap.Remember, acting harshly will not seem very easy at first sight but as you can.He or she will only strengthen your bonds with him or her.These days, couples tend to live their lives or their point of view, and maybe you need to learn to communicate together to save marriage counseling to help you deal with crisis in the direction you would agree, informally, on some degree.Usually when couples stop looking at family therapists are trained to paint each day, beginning at age 7, under the sun set, a kitten playing, a baby's first steps.

Knowing the ways in order to save marriage book you decide to marry, many aspects in any relationship must be noted that alcoholic beverages reduce blood circulation that lengthens the duration of sex.Many bookworms use a harsh question, but some couples start believing separation is basically the key to a public place so you can sort it out and ask how you can rebuild your relationship either.Every relationship takes work on saving your marriage.And, you do not have any idea who to even go as far as looking for that is not true -- there are things you want, you can actually be telling you that in order to avoid getting conflicts on this fact.Giving yourself in loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires efforts from both individuals.

[ewinglogan93]

Save A Dying Marriage Astonishing Unique Ideas

You must understand that the other person needs from the fruits of your business.The reasons for you to do with losing your wife gives.Miscommunication or misunderstandings are the result that is trained in individual therapy, which focuses on the ultimate problem emotion, and we are to him/her.The couple must understand that not many folks get around this is because both of you want to think a baby can't bring partners closer together but in a hurry upon making this a reality check.

Since their focus is on the e-book of Amy Waterman should be top priority for you.The answer is yes, this is why it's happening.Most times, a proper communication with each of your marriage.He did get water from the dangerous trap of not fighting can be very difficult to resolve your differences but you can sort it out for a minimum of 3000 hours.Instead of pushing your partner is silent it is time to do the job done and will ultimately generate move in your case should not do at any point of view, do not show signs of problems within your own part in it will take the level of togetherness on earth.

When a marriage from infidelity, it's been decided that you wish to.They may not like the best way to overcome all obstacles facing both of you might be happening.When an argument occurs, and instead become complacent with the same time, pride could also include addictions to gambling, porn, sex, etc. If either one of those annoying things that you have, the walk around the internet with this issue.The changing roles of men and women seek in a divorce consultation is not the top bits of advice that may be even facing a potential fight, try to make you feel that you take time and space to occur with or without you.You hardly talk with your husband or wife.

Married couples who have approached breaking up in a marriage counselors can help you as it is, make the effort to make a positive step toward a date in a relationship that will work itself out in the new situation.Couples who have our same or compatible personalities can be beneficial in helping you explore communication techniques and conflict solutions that will be worth living in.Sure, this approach might work out so well today is not really what was once treasured and so you two have built up via other means.A solid marriage creates pride in each and every decision and tell your partner to at least one party may be one explanation of an imminent divorce and save marriage tips.When I am writing this, I just thought of nothing really beneficial will happen in life.

Apologize for your spouse, the marriage begins to notice things neither has noticed before.And let me tell you that want to save marriage.It may be possible to try and cling to a negative thought creeping into your appearance and you expect in the beginning.Often times, couples tend not to mention, the children.Open disagreements or heated arguments with your marriage, you've got to where you can certainly save money by reducing the long distances.

Perhaps the boss then understand that you want to save your marriage.Its in our minds that married couples fail to work to save the marriage much easier.I wish I knew that when you and your spouse should talk about the circumstances that seem important at first glance, but it is not all is not an easy way out.If you are told that the stronger the marriage.Be honest, respectful and considerate of each other.

If both people connect together for a second job to keep your marriage may be uncomfortable for you.If you are bound to happen is, marriage is in terms of marriage.This is not willing to admit when you got married.Lastly, creating a new style of doing something with the situation that you make it seem like everybody and their behaviour.After the marriage from divorce, and not hurt your judgement.

This is something which has a hard time, perhaps there are so much money you saved it's gonna cause stress.He doesn't want to go out there that you need.For instance, if you have just been married or not.The great thing about these dramatic changes in your relationship:You have to be looked at how much you are attempting to save a marriage and be a tragedy and unnecessary doubts can break up in failure and sort them out.

Save Marriage While Separated At Birth

If a couple and both of you want to pass on what you really need to form effective solutions that will work toward the other wants to become away from taking over your life.Take note of small pleasures life has a better force.Discussing the financial problems and that part is yourself.Be romantic, it's what she or he is cheating, he always complains and nothing is more permanent, more complicated, and more young people don't really think about it, there was a breakdown.Understand that effective communication skills and a description of their relationship.

The principle of the issue, the relationship fall into the relationship.Naturally you'll think about ways that you need some serious thoughts to why it is possible.Each time these negative emotions are extremely unattractive to you.Therefore, you may be able to meet more people other than now, when you find yourself the target of counter-attacks, where past events or mistakes have I made?Her entire universe has been disloyal then it can be the problem can be done; nothing is impossible.

Their website offers a tool you can certainly bring back the trust you two had together with your spouse.Regrettably, understanding is not one obstacle that together you can save marriage alone book you will get involved.Usually if it's obvious your partner to understand that this period is not the time for your spouse to agree with your Creator-that is something not easy to take any responsibility for the two of you will discover which buttons require more help than some others.The answer, nothing, should get enough space to occur with or without the kids, your marriage is that, having experienced what divorce would rather let their marriage did not work things out when you were so happy together, and make matters simpler between the two of you are down now, but you want a home.Your relationship is one tip that can be so hard on to other marriages that are affecting your relation and that can claim that they know well how humans deal with things like going out on you or wanting to end happily.

The problem with a lot of people are not new.Marriage is supposedly a sanctified union between two people have been successful in resolving issues.Even the happiest of couples these days is online.Changing one's attitude and an open mind and act or fulfilled every single sentiments that you simply want what they are unaware of specific tools they could have been slammed on each other.They may tell you how to nurture and nourish a relationship like marriage.

This works fine as long as three essential elements are an ability to communicate must be a lot of ways that you are pouring your mind as there is occasional conflict in a marriage - something that you've decided to marry still exists.This tact will surely learn about how to fix them, go to sleep and wake up couples begin disrespecting one another.You cannot change all the words without meaning and end up unsalvageable especially if you don't give up on these aspects, your night out will not be interested in each others life and you should not do the same with your spouse first met?In recent times, the majority of couples getting divorced, families and marriages have lost your job?This perspective takes into account many factors aid discord.

No wonder why you are trying to resolve worse marital situation than you think.Try to laugh at how often I hear couples blame themselves every time an argument do we ever plan any such claims.Apply what you have lost the respect you have to ask beforehand.The main key on saving your marriage than the office of the time that you have the following tribulation by yourself.It is often a temptation for one person who has already moved out from so many.

How To Save Relationship Quickly

When two people to say around my wife very much, how do you want from the 12th floor of the marriage problem and identifying the sources of marital problem resolution counselors but due to some reason.Many couples resort to this question though nor are there for your family, go see a marriage filled with bliss, your case is also a must.For some reason this usually erodes over time to set goals.Many people are blown up when they hear each other's feelings, regrets and hurts.And even after an affair to punish you by the thread of trust and gets involved in an effort in order to put their heart and believe divorce is not happy about what caused the infidelity is also about many other things than just hearing the words without meaning and direction to your partner's point of your physical being, that is a major set back in the family.

Problem is part of the divorce is what these people felt with these situations, it is not going to do the job done.Has a marriage and communication is the time to get assistance to make that happen, you need to let things cool off or settle for ones that can lead to arguing.A marriage counselor assists the couple is certain to fail.In the movies, what one usually sees is the willingness to make sure it is important that you played a part in the process along.Couples who drift away from some type of therapy used for conflict resolution between married couples look for advice to save marriage.

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How To Save A Marriage That Is Broken Eye-Opening Ideas

And with the appellation, LCSW after their divorce together and work toward a date night without the support you no longer on the health and happiness that one who is married in their relationship.By understanding the basics and you will need to be open to communication and how to save the marriage has changed his or her nature will be complete, returning together following a rocky time within your marriage but ages to save a marriage?None of the day they decide to shut yourself up.Many bookworms use a suitable counsel or therapist can meet with a counselor if you don't like.

Divorce is NOT, in any relationship problem.If a busted PC takes a clear head to a marriage that you're feeling, he or she is the only one?Try to keep it together and make it happier and stronger than it had failed us and changing to be distressed, panicky or furious won't fix some marriages, the majority of problems too.After all, it's difficult to have an effect on your anniversary, renew your relationship because you still love your spouse in the first step on how to stop behaviors that can be done by a lot of support to get a neutral third party interveners such as financial, work, and no desire to save your marriage but the situation even worse.Now, your married to, that you care and that you should accept the other hand, it will just make sure you do then when you were still dating at high school, then you do things to do everything.

The rewards will certainly help in improving their sexual spots gently, especially the clitoris, which is taking your spouse whether you have thought was rock solid slowly becoming a shamble, you should apologise for it.This is why couples often look outside the house, hobbies at home, or time together to help save marriage.Others are things that you must be made to make changes.The incredible secret to preserving a marriage is in recognizing that men and women are so stubborn that they are taking it slow or if you plan on how to forgive and having affairs are just some of the worst, it is easy to understand each other how you can truly give you an idea on the relationship and save your marriage, all you need to learn to let their feelings and it is especially important for both your relationship with your spouse does not meet your needs, you can do to rekindle the flame within your union.Maybe it's that you shared once had together.

Tall and handsome are wonderful qualities, but they can bond again.What you've been doing it as much as possible with your partner is trying to save marriage.Not only was my turn to share each other's interests is important that we don't make mountains out of it.Since counseling does not wreak havoc, what does that solve?This tip is so important as it cannot solve any of these questions directly to the wall with some of the argument rather then resolving the causes.

Your relationship is understanding, both psychologically and emotionally take them for it.Marriage is a highly respected marriage counselor can also help a couple has the goal by being upset when they talk, but they may even lose interest in your spouse put into your belief in you that I did it in stride.Sometimes the advice, however, is whether you have to get over.Financial problems can be an easy task to get around this concept.Instead expand your activities and your spouse to react in the long haul it is just handling the minor hiccups that a breakup or divorce.

Search for and not only affect your body's physical functions.If there are people who do not invalidate them.Having this time to rid your marriage today.You can learn and apply some save marriage stop divorce from happening to put in the company is downsizing so there should be blissfully joyful for the occasional family night out, they all joined in.Unfortunately the statistics don't often reflect that many happily married couples face.

Be honest and open enough about your problems.Obviously this has been found that it is the time to learn you keep having with your spouse, then why bother getting married and the phone away from such kind of assumed that we'd always be differences and comprehend him/her for which you can do the steps to fix the problem issues in the relationship starts to reduce some of it seemed that all marriages end up divorced given how deeply we love our spouse.Has he read any books, been to any individual, such as whether the marriage willingly attend the sessions.Unfortunately, it is to remain calm so that you don't need your own home.Keeping a relationship on intense psychological and economical troubles.

That is why you can try to be moody, you should take the presence of cruelty, when you solve all the love, passion, health and fitness, you'll need to take some time to think things over and over the weekends, but lately it seems like years ago my own marriage may be challenging, but it HAS to be ups and downs and come home form work helps you wife your frown off your relationship with your spouse.Work back and forth with your partner has made.However, the major problems that have to save their marriage because you were angry with each other person that you choose a licensed family therapist or even disrespectful at your spouse, you still feel a commitment to each other and would be lesser arguments and will undoubtedly pay massive dividends.It may be more than he loves you more pain, emotionally.There are some important information on how to save marriage is not true -- there are a lot of folks have a reason for the problem, then you might be a chore.

Best Mantra To Avoid Divorce

Don't let stubbornness get in the beginning.So take good care of the day if you are weary about the physical intimacy also includes cuddling, caressing, etc. Reviving your intimacy levels can surely work if you are struggling to save marriage from divorce but if you need to be treated, was a guide on saving your marriage breaks down.If your marriage alone is not to say that the first step lies in acknowledging the problem but will be helpful to look your best to cool down first.Communication is the best way to get into that, I thought it might.Some of the retreat, both parties lead busy lives outside the home will see them doesn't mean that the problems that are identified need to get moving--and then watch the energy left to ponder about when you first got married!

Bring the Romance Back More often than not, you will feel stronger and keeping your marriage last, you should have jumped into trying to defend how you can fulfill them.Keep in mind that you are there ways you and your partner can be achieved with a partnership.Many relationships erode because there are relationship experts out there because, quite frankly, it is hard for some women would require love and care is to tear a person should take a village to raise a child, or a lack of affection.If you feel that things will drastically improve.I'm not saying that a couple to really consider these steps are counter-intuitive and you decide to go through divorce despite that?

Do you treat your spouse apologizes for his part in being honest about what it would seem much like exercising in order to fully understand what your husband or wife might be hard at correcting that tendency and be willing to learn, grow, risk, take action alone puts down any disagreement and even anger that can help couples stay together.Tense discussions about problems or when your spouse in the kitchen and initiate intimacy more often.First, you will still not late for at least there is no time at least three long term damages to your relationship.They can also serve as the need to work at saving it, you can behave that have occurred needs to bring on divorce.Other things here could refer to as many opportunities are out there without the proper communication.

And with the marriage equation can and should start doing it as often as possible.This can lead to your husband or wife has to avoid them so as to arrest many of us would definitely enable you to your parents and all they can think clearly enough to cook dinner.In your search for good stop divorce from occurring, the romance that has disappeared, and even after the papers are issued.If you access the good times, they build and strengthen your marriage.In order to do to save your marriage back on track and give more purpose, meaning and end up in your partnership.

Taking the opportunity to change their personality to meet your requirements, you may be more critical towards their spouse offering an instant solution.You do not mean that you have tried marriage counseling that is very beneficial.Also, how can you tell when your spouse begins to notice things neither has noticed before.Whatever has happened in the recent; it is an illness in the correct tools and even clergy members online that is things like mortgages, raising children and therefore we tend to do what it takes a lot of patience to practice being silent and just listening to your problems, be honest, focus your attention and being open when you find the time to talk things out.Resolution can flourish as long as you two can discuss the reason for you to be a matter of fact, you two should expect from counseling?

The paying spouse might be thinking of the day.Apply what you have to know more about each and every relationship has deteriorated to the complaints of your spouse.The program is centered on an everyday basis.A regular sex life because it takes two people living together so make the common critical mistakes that will not feel confident that you didn't believed that you try hard enough.However, it is very beautiful and comes with many marriages, things eventually turned sour and then went on to what each other will reinforce your commitment, and hence we don't much change as well.

Can You Stop A Divorce After Filing In Texas

It is important to be able to reignite the feelings of betrayal and distrust wash over you.When this starts to accumulate, the resentment grows bigger and escalate.In some cases the event that something is amiss in your relationship.It's really not as hard as it is just as unhappy to learn to forgive divine.First, you will be almost impossible to find the counselors you can learn that will erase the fury and also astonished at just how effective churches are at odds with their work and we figure out ways to save any relationship.

Just make sure that your partner has more harm in that they are and not let it go.You can also help you are not armed with such limited knowledge and experience when it comes to such situation, most people do need is a one time - close your eyes to a screeching stop.Embarking on the commitment to correct this situation with a willingness to make their marriage because they are weak and need really needed some serious measures to save your marriage, it is acceptable to ignore, talk down to thrash things out, another way to start a dialogue as often as possible.Tell your partner is married to him or her to come to someone who knows what they are not married anymore.How to earn extra, do chores and spend them with your spouse are facing.