#and until my mental health improves I guess this will just be a thing for me now so

[raeofgayshine]

I’ve been itching to do some crafting lately but I had no real ideas on what to make and I guess my brain got tired of that because I spent several hours today creating stencils, covering them in tape to protect them, tracing them, cutting things out and coloring four different sizes of question marks.

You know, because like a normal person I want my room to look like Riddler fucking exploded all over it. And I am so tickled by the idea that I can make a few of these at a time and put them up, so that it’s like a slow takeover. And also that they will probably look different over time which furthers that they didn’t all go up at once. And of course I am thrilled thinking about Riddler spending days upon days locked up in his apartment hand making question marks for every riddle room, because of course he is extra like that. And as I make mine I get to be just like him for real.

[h3arts4harry]

-Bubble Bath-

This is my first fanfic I've actually finished writing lol, let me know if there's anything i can improve on.

warnings: fluff, angry parents, mentions of alcohol, suggestive?, kissing, sharing baths, mentions of y/n, NO SMUT

summary: y/n goes to Chris for comfort after an argument with her parents.

-

Chris Sturniolo x y/n Best friends to lovers Based in their LA home Loosely based on a dream i had lol y/n - your name n/n - nickname

orange- Chris blue- Matt purple- Nick red- y/n green- y/n's dad pink- y/n's mum

-

Our mums being best friends since the start of high school, i grew up with the boys, them being only a couple months older. When we were younger we were always together, whether it was playing at the park, fighting over little things, sharing baths, constant sleepovers, and pranking everyone and each other. They were always there for me growing up, like when my pet hamster died, through friendship breakups, getting fucked over by boys, and arguments with my parents, and i was always there for them too, supporting them through school, with their mental health, growing their YouTube and everything in between. Me and Chris were always the closest, obviously Nick and Matt were my best friends, they were like my brothers, but it was different with Chris somehow.

I was about to leave for the boys house, to have a sleepover like we usually do every weekend, but this time i just got into a huge argument with my parents on my way out about school and my grades not being good enough. Chris knows about my struggles in school, and my anxiety struggles, and he really helps me. When we were around 14, i told him bout how much bubble baths would help me relax. Every time something happened, we would get into our bathing suits and just sit in a bubble bath and talk about anything and everything.

I walk into their house and slowly walk up the stairs with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, Chris sees me from the the couch and runs up to me, he immediately brings me into a hug "oh my god y/n are you okay?" i sniffle dropping my bag, hugging him around his waist, he looks down at me and tilts his head "n/n?" i look up at him with glossy eyes "I'm fine, its just my parents" i mumbled, he brings me into a tighter hug for a moment before grabbing my bag and taking my hand dragging me downstairs into his room.

I sit on his bed, leaning against the headboard, watching as he sets my bag down on the floor next to his bed, and walks into his bathroom. I scroll through Instagram until i see him walk back into his room, opening his closet grabbing his swim shorts and handing me my swimsuit i had left there. "what's this for?" i question looking up at him with furrowed eyebrows, he tilts his head slightly with a gentle smile as i start to realize, biting my bottom lip to stop a giddy smile. He walks to the bathroom to change while i change in his room. I over to the bathroom "Chris?" i spoke quietly with a slight raspy voice. He opens to door to a dimly lit room with a steamy bubble bath "Chris" i say under my breath, he looks over to me "hmm?" i look up to him with a smile "thank you" i walk over to the bath about to step in "i cant believe we haven't done this since we were 16" i then step in, Chris chuckles as my breath hitches, feeling the heat of the water touch my leg.

"So you wanna talk about it" Chris asks as he sits down in the tub, "i guess so" i sigh looking down, fiddling with the bubbles. I take in a breath, an look at the boy in front of me, "So i was about to leave to come over, as normal'

"y/n can you come to kitchen please" my mum yells from the other room, i walk in to see my mum holding a full glass of red wine while my dad is sat on the stool by the island looking at his phone. "hi?" i slowly step into the room leaning against the doorway, both parents look up to me, my dads face full of disappointment, my heart drops, racking my brain for anything i could of done, "we have received an email about your grades, you need to improve them immediately, its simply not good enough, me and your father are working our asses of trying to provide for you and keep a roof over your head, the very least you can do is actually put in effort at school" i take in a deep breath before speaking "i-" my dad cuts me off "i don't want to hear any of your bullshit excuses, about anxiety or your fake online struggles that social media create. you need to be getting As and Bs, this is unacceptable. if you don't get your grades up i will stop letting you see the boys everyday and i will be taking away your devices when you get home so you can focus on studying" "dad please I'm really trying at school, you don't understand-" i quickly spoke trying to get my point across while tears start to form in my eyes but its like i could see my words going over his head "here comes the water works" my mother mumbles, taking another sip of her wine "who are you talking to like that young lady, you forget i am your father and you are the child. i understand perfectly, that you are an ungrateful shit who doesn't appreciate what me and your mother do for this house, and you can stop the fake tears we know your manipulative games" i let out a frustrated sigh at my fathers ignorance, i look over to my mum, with tears falling down my face, biting my bottom lip to stop the sobs, she is just stood there, agreeing with my dad. "you need to do better y/n" my mother finishes. i nod in defeat and turn around, running out the door grabbing my bag on the way.

I look up to Chris who is looking down at me, sadness covers his face, "but its fine, i just have to try more i guess" i mumble looking back down at the bubbly water. "no y/n that's not fine, i know how much you try at school, you put more effort in than me nick and matt combined, the amount of pressure they put on you is not okay in the slightest" i sniffle, and he sees a tear falls down my cheek, bringing me into a hug, i immediately feel comforted and small butterflies form in my stomach, sure me and Chris have cuddled before watching movies and stuff but this feels different.

Me and Chris talk until the water goes cold, i look around the bathroom and there is no towels "Chris are you stupid?" i laugh a little, he looks at me confused "there's no towels u dumbass" i continue, stating the obvious, "oh shit wait ill run upstairs quickly" he stands up quickly, i grab his hand "Chris you're gonna drip water everywhere" i look at him slightly shivering, wrapping my arms around myself to try contain my body heat. "shit" he says under his breath, he grabs his phone, starts typing, rolls his eyes, typing again, "Matts coming down with towels" he states as he looks back down at me, i nod in reply, we carry on talking waiting for Matt.

There's a knock at the door, it opens before me or Chris can say anything, and Matt walks in with his hand over his eyes, "Matt what the fuck are you doing?" Chris questions taking the towels from him passing one to me while wrapping the other around himself. "Thanks" i say quietly, "you guys are so weird, still taking baths together like you're four" i roll my eyes, stepping out of the cold water, "its a comfort thing Matt" Chris states blankly, exiting the bathroom, i quickly follow behind him with Matt trailing behind me. i bend over picking up my bag to get my pjs when Chris chucks one of tops at me making me take a step forward to balance myself "Chris what the fuck" i laugh out, hitting him once with the top he threw at me, "wear it dumbass", i roll my eyes pulling the shirt over my head, searching for my shorts in my bag "fuck" i curse under my breath "what's up" Chris raises an eyebrow turning towards me, "i fucking forgot my shorts" i spat annoyed at my forgetfulness, i then get hit with a pair of boxer shorts, "here, all my shorts are in the wash and i know you don't like wearing trousers in bed" he walks over and sits on the bed, leaning against of the headboard, "thanks" i mumble pulling on the boxers. i walk over and lay next to Chris, who's scrolling on TikTok, i face his phone and watch with him.

-

After an hour or so, a text pops down from Matt;

Bernard😎🥶 yo u ready to film a vid? y/n can come too if she wants Chrissy be down in 5

"Do you wanna join the car vid?" Chris asks turning to me, i stay silent for a moment, shaking my head "ill just watch a movie or something". I stand up following Chris upstairs, the 2 older brothers look me up and down then turn to each other exchanging looks with faint smiles on their faces. I look up to Chris with a confused expression, to which he nods at what I'm wearing, i look down at myself remembering I'm wearing one of Chris' shirts which falls down to halfway down my thighs and his boxer shorts which cant even be seen. i cover my face with my hands hearing the boys giggle around me, then walk to the couch, grabbing a throw blanket from their basket. I turn on the tv putting on my favourite show as the boys go to leave to film, "we wont be long y/n" matt walks down the stairs to the door, nick follows "bye n/nnnn" dragging out the end letter, Chris then quickly runs up to me giving me a hug, then back to the stairs "see you later n/n" as he descends down the stairs, i hear the door shut and play my show, after a few episodes i end up falling asleep.

-

"n/n, wake up" i wake to Chris gently shaking me, i flutter open my eyes "too tired" i croak, still half asleep, "c'mon n/n, lets get you to bed" Chris wraps one of his arms around my waist and the other under my legs, picking me up, i wrap my arms around his neck, snuggling into him. He takes me downstairs and places me onto my side of his bed, and lays next to me, i turn and face him, barely awake, moving into his side, he wraps his arm around my waist to pull me into him more, my head lays on his chest, with my leg over his.

"i fucking knew it" i hear coming from behind me, i try look at who's there but Chris' arm pulls me in more, i look up at Chris who is glaring at one of his brothers, who I'm not sure, for waking you then looks down to me with a smile, "hi n/n" he speaks softly "what time is it" i quietly mumble, not wanting to move from my comfortable position to look at my phone. "its 8:30", "too early" i groan and close my eyes, snuggling my head against his chest, he and his brother laugh as i pull the cover over my head and fall back to sleep.

I wake up to an empty bed, i look around and Chris isn't in his room. I lay down on my side and check the time on my phone and its 3pm. I scroll TikTok for what feels like 5 minutes but when i glance at the time an hour has passed, ~shit~, i get up and walk upstairs, looking down at my phone scrolling through TikTok. "ow fuck" i exclaim as i walk into the wall at the top of the stairs, i hear giggling from the kitchen and look to see Nick, Matt and Chris laughing their asses off at me, "shut up" i laugh unamused that they find my clumsiness funny, i walk over placing my phone on the counter, as i pour myself a glass of water, "awh that's so cute" i hear Nick squeal from behind me, i turn while drinking from my glass to see the boys looking at my phone, "what is?" i question furrowing my eyebrows, "your wallpaper is you and Chris" matt smiles walking to the couch, Nick following behind. Chris smirks at me as i walk over to him, he wraps his hands around my waist, bringing me into a hug, "go get dressed we wanna go out for food", he lets go of me, joining his brothers sitting on the couch. I walk downstairs to his room and put on my cute ass outfit then i do my makeup followed by doing my hair. I pull on my shoes and walk back upstairs and over to my favourite boys. "We ready to go or nah" i ask slumping next to Nick, "we've been ready for hours, waiting for your lazy ass to get up" matt jokes, "haha so funny lets go". I get up at the same time as Nick walking down the stairs with Matt and Chris following behind.

-

"Where do y'wanna eat?" Matt questions pulling out of the driveway, I stay quiet not really minding where we go, Nick and Chris start bickering as Nick wants Chick-fil-a and Chris wants McDonalds. "n/n you want McDonalds right?" Chris turns round facing me behind him, "no you want Chick-fil-a don't you" Nick bites back looking at me, "ummm" i state uncertain on what to do, I look to Matt who's driving "what do you want Matt?" i ask trying to turn this away from me, "i don't mind either but McDonalds is closer" Matt replies, keeping his eyes on the road, "Lets go with McDonalds then i guess, sorry Nickkk" i apologise dragging out his name. "ugh okay fine" Nick slumps into his chair, slightly annoyed he didn't get what he wanted but not actually mad. "YESS LETS GOOO" Chris yells, "shut up Chris" Matt says glancing towards the overly excited Chris in the passenger seat. We pull in the drive through, order our food and park in an empty parking lot.

There's music playing through the radio, Chris is connected to the aux so mainly lil skies is playing. Matt and Chris are having a conversation about god knows what while I'm talking to Nick. I'm leaning against the car door with my knees against my chest facing Nick, eating my fries, "so what's going on with you and Chris then" Nick blankly asks, my eyes widen as I choke on my food a little, coughing, reaching for my drink, Matt turns around "you good?" he raises an eyebrow at me almost dying. "Yea I'm fine" I say looking back at Nick. "Dude shut up" I nod towards Chris who's not been paying attention to anything but eating his food. "He isn't listening, probably cant even hear over his music" Nick laughs, tilting his head a little after waiting for me to answer his previously asked question. "I'm not sure honestly, you know how I feel but I don't know how he does" I reply just above a whisper, so only Nick can hear me. "We've seen the way he is around you, he definitely like you back" Nick speaks normally not taking my whisper into mind, "who likes you back?" I turn to see Chris furrowing his eyebrows, annoyed at the fact someone else might have a crush on his y/n. "Oh um" I stutter a little looking at Nick, "just some boy at school" Nick fills in, "who?" Chris says sternly, "I um you don't know him" I lie, he knows him very well. "I know everyone at Somerville high" Chris pushed, "he doesn't go to Somerville high" Nick lies, turning to look at me, raising his eyebrows a little, hinting on his brothers pushiness as a sign he likes her back. Before Chris can say anything else, I ask "hey Chris?" "hm?" "lets go for a walk" I say opening my door giving nick a hopeful glance. "um okay" Chris follows me out the car.

Once we get a little away from the car he stops turning to me, I copy and turn to him, tilting my head a little, before I say anything he interrupts "where are we going?" he questions, I look between his two beautiful blue eyes "I just umm- I need to talk to you, about something" I stutter a little, "what's up, y'know you can tell me anything" he reassures. "I kind of lied, y'know what we were talking about in the car" I look down at my shoes, shuffling around a little, Chris moves his hand under my chin gently lifting my head to look at him again, dropping his hand he furrows his eyebrows, I bite my bottom lip, chewing at it with nerves. "He um- he does go to Somerville-" "who is he then" Chris interrupts me "I-um, Nick says he likes me but I don't know if he actually does" I avoid his repeated question, looking at his still furrowed eyebrows back to his eyes, "who is he" Chris repeats himself again, looking between each of my eyes, "you" I barely speak, his face softens and I look down to my feet, my cheeks turning red, "what" Chris questions, his mind racing, ~did she actually just say that, there is no way she actually likes me back~ his heart pounding out of his chest. I look back up to him slightly embarrassed and afraid of ruining what we had, "I like you" I say still quiet but loud enough he can hear it. He smirks, lifting his hand to my waist, the other to my face placing his lips on mine. My heart is racing and I cant keep a single thought as he kisses me, I snap out of it and kiss him back, my hands running through the back of his hair. He pulls away, resting his forehead on mine; "I love you n/n" "I love you too Chris"

[risustravelogue]

In the psychiatrist's waiting room and thinking about Wriothesley finally finding out what your regular visits to the surface is all about.

cw. mental health issues, specifically bipolar II disorder. contains heavy lore of my s/i (f!reader, she/her pronouns used).

You've told Wriothesley during your job interview that you'd require once-a-month visits to the surface if he were to employ you. He agreed without prying further, much to your relief.

Sigewinne had known from the start, of course—it's her duty to know everything about the people in her care, after all. Yet, she passed your files over to the Duke anyway, because she knew he'd grant you, the most excellent apprentice of Estelle's, this small relief. The only thing she told him was "she needs to maintain her health, but it's out of the scope of my knowledge of human well-being."

He'd lie if he said he wasn't curious about Sigewinne's words, but his need of a mechanic to maintain and improve his gauntlets was greater. And so he stayed out of the issue... until he decides to confess his attraction for you.

He doesn't even try persuading Sigewinne to tell him about your issues, knowing how strict she is with doctor-patient confidentiality. So after a few private investigations, he decides to go straight to the source.

That afternoon, he welcomes you to his office. He sits on his desk with the sound of soft piano—your favorite piece—flowing from his gramophone.

"I need to talk about your monthly visits to the surface," he says, and your gaze goes downward to your shifting feet, your fingers fidgeting behind your back.

Sensing your nervous energy, he smiles and says, "Relax. I'm not going to fire you or anything like that. A small issue like this won't affect what I think about you."

You chuckle derisively. "That's what they all say before rejecting my job application," you say. "And it's not exactly a 'small' issue. It affects everything you know about me."

"Try me," he says, sipping his tea. "Please."

"... I guess you're going to find out sooner or later..." you mumble. You inhale and exhale, your breath trembling in fear of being rejected by him.

"I have... depression. Specifically, bipolar two disorder. That's why I seem more irritable some days and like I've lost interest in everything on others," you blurt out. "I've been on both medication and counseling, so it doesn't stand out too much anymore, but it still gets in the way of my work sometimes. That's why I need to visit my doctor on the surface once a month. Believe me when I said this is not the worst I've been—"

You stop speaking when you realize that your boss is staring at you in sympathy.

"I—I'm sorry. For rambling," you mutter.

"No, no," he says with a sigh. "If anything, I'm sorry for not asking sooner."

"Sure... well. Are you still not going to fire me?" you ask bluntly.

Wriothesley's eyes soften.

"No. Why would I? I love you."

"... What?"

"I love you," he repeats as he steps closer to you. Your heart beats loud and fast from the adrenaline, thoughts racing through your head: screw this, screw everything, if I'm going to lose him, might as well be now—

"I... I don't... My ex dumped me when I told him this," you ramble, tears welling up in your eyes. "You– you're sure? You don't... see me as someone problematic? You don't... hate me?"

His fingers rest on your chin as he lifts your face. You instinctively gasp and close your eyes at his touch, only to feel his soft, warm lips meeting yours in a chaste kiss.

"I'm glad you're able to be honest with me," he says against your lips. His breath smells like the tea he just sipped, and somehow it's so intoxicating this way—

"I love you," he says again, his icy blue eyes now gazing softly into yours. "And I don't mind being a place for you to rest, your home in this foreign country. Will you allow me to be such?"

"Y– you would?" you stutter, the good kind of disbelief flooding your chest with warmth. "I... would love for you to be my home," you say with a grin. "I love you, too."

"Good," he breathes, his arms pulling your body flush against his. You feel your worries melt away as he kisses you in his embrace.

"Very good... my love."

© @risustravelogue 2023 ��� no to reposting, yes to reblogging. feel free to send an ask to suggest, chat, etc. :)

[xpc-web-dev]

No, you are not alone. I also start things, give up, procrastinate, live the future and not the present and complain about my life not moving forward while I spend time looking at other people's lives.

Hello everyone, how are you?

I hope well.

I was thinking of giving up this tumblr and just as I started everything from scratch to study programming (github, linkedin, notion and I even created another google account) start a new tumblr.

I even commented briefly a few weeks ago with @lostlibrariangirl who supported me to just continue on this one and see my evolution. And today I was thinking that this could be cool not only for me, but for other dropouts, who are frustrated that they think they'll never get to where they want to go and et cetera.

If you've been following me since the beginning of this year, you've already seen that I never completed any course and I assume that I gave up on the most difficult parts, besides the constant anxiety of getting a job in technology and thinking that I would never get it and that made me procrastinate, suffer and not live the present studying.

I gave up on one of the scholarships I got and now I'm catching up on the delay (it's until the 7/30th)

Nowadays my mental health has improved a lot, thanks to my elders.

And also thanks to them I understood that I was going around in circles, being lazy, not trying 100%, being stubborn in a stupid way (for me stubbornness is a quality, if you know how to use it) and spending too much time on other people's lives and not mine.

Also, today it's easier for me not to feel so much anxiety because I no longer have the goal of getting a job registered as a dev this year, so I'm starting to learn from scratch EVERYTHING AGAIN only this time better and really trying hard.

In my case I wasn't doing my best, trying hard and that's why I fell so many times. I don't like the word failure/failure, as I learned from an older, mistake it's study/learning and not failure.

Now in May, for example, I started studying Linux from scratch (my system that I'm confused to understand), git and github. I was all this time without really understanding these 3 tools, just doing it without understanding / in a lazy way and that didn't give me confidence.

And I don't think we need to memorize it, but it's nice to understand and practice.

This print from above is me studying after writing and repeating to myself that I WILL ONLY START a new cycle after ending the old one.

And I hope to share this journey here.

I have a lot to study, whether in back-end or front-end, but I'm not in a hurry and that's why I'm progressing.

So if you're reading this far and you're going through the same thing I was, I wanted to give you some unsolicited advice.

Spend your energy, do physical exercises. Because anxiety can only be resolved with a psychiatrist, but exercises help.

Understand why you procastine, what is making you feel frustrated or afraid? Did you find out? How can you solve this?

If you don't finish something to start another and it HURTS you (if it doesn't hurt, that's fine), try to understand why you give up? Where is making you insecure / afraid? And after you understand this, strive to finish everything you start (I know it's hard, but we need this)

Get off social media for a bit. For me tumblr is what I spend the least time on, but it's very easy to lose hours on instagram and tiktok.

And guess what, that time we spend doesn't come back and unless you work with these networks that ALSO won't give you any money / jobs.

So, if possible, start to regulate your period in these environments. At first it's difficult because your brain is addicted, but after a while it works out and your version of the future (if you invest that time studying and working) will thank you.

I wish you all to be well and not sabotage yourself to achieve your goals.

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

I understand…

that my failures to incorporate things that would contribute to improving my health, like exercising, is not a moral failing. I understand that to a certain degree, my inability to do much of anything with my time not spent at my full time job don’t necessarily make me a worse person. I understand that my mental illness contribute significantly to my constant fatigue and that comparing myself to other people is fruitless because we have different conditions of living. I understand that my behaviors, never leaving my apartment, never exercising, staying up too late trying to make up for how much time is lost to having a full time job, and spending all my time looking at screens, regardless of whether they are “coping mechanisms” or simply how i do things, are somewhat responsible for me being frequently depressed and exhausted. I understand that most of said behaviors are things I do as a result of other problems I have, and that they can typically be traced back to previously mentioned mental illnesses. I understand that progress is gradual, and that even though I feel like I’m going nowhere and getting worse, if I simply look back on where I was and compare it to where I am now I can see that I’ve made a ton of progress. I understand that even if I was truly stagnating, failing to improve in any meaningful way or even if I was getting worse, that wouldn’t mean I’m a bad person. I understand that, all things considered, just getting through each day is a success I should be happy with. I understand that there are other people who have it worse or who have spiraled further down into misery, and I understand that that isn’t a moral failing either. I understand that life is unfair. I understand that the conditions of living in our society the way it currently is are massively contributing factors to misery and depression. I understand that if I want to feel less miserable I need to make small steps, and that one day maybe I won’t be constantly fatigued, maybe I won’t be afraid and ashamed of existing, maybe I’ll be healthier, maybe I’ll have the energy to cook more, maybe I’ll be less lonely. I understand that even if it takes years to get there, I am taking it step by step. I understand that one of the large reasons why I am feeling so terrible at the current moment to make this post is that I’ve gone half a week without my proper prescription doses of my extremely mood affecting hormones medications. I understand that reason I am currently and frequently go days without proper prescription doses is because I forget or put off the appointments and phone calls and other steps I need to do to prevent the problems until it’s too late. I understand that my reason for trying so hard to put off said problems until I can’t ignore it anymore is because whenever I think about the future and the things I have to do I get so overwhelmed by anxieties and fears that it sends me into its own depression spiral. I understand that all of this doesn’t make me a worse person. I understand that my original intent to make this post end with “what I don’t understand is what I’m supposed to do to try to fix all this” is self defeating and negative and would completely undercut all the sentences I literally just typed to tell myself that I’m making progress. I understand that I have a lot of problems. I understand that I’m doing my best to do what I can, and that being hard on myself for not doing more only makes it harder with no benefit.

So. I guess I understand.

[puddingvalkyrie]

Reading massively improved my mental health and I want to talk about it in case it can help others!

Y'all, I think we all need to read more books.

I know I'm an author so I WOULD say that and in fact, I DO say that to children at every opportunity (my dyslexia would be a LOT worse if I hadn't read so much as a kid) but hear me out.

So back in ...March/April I was pretty miserable and it was partly because Norwegian winter will do that to an unprepared foreigner but also because it was the anniversary of The Bad Thing so I felt miserable and alone.

I had no way to really remedy the situation.

But one thing I did do was... Finally crack. See, I'd been DYING to reread my Discworld books, but they are in a different country and I can't afford to go get them or have them sent to me. I have a few paper books here though - I mainly took my fairytale collections, because what did you expect? Actually I guess hardly anyone on Tumblr knows me - Alicia does two things. Vampires. And Fairytales. Didn't bring my vampire encyclopedia, too big and heavy. Anyway.

I have a part time job with an hour on the train each way. I started taking my paper books, my fairytale collections. They were full of short things I could finish easily in a train journey.

Some info. I had managed to sour reading for myself some years previously... I mainly read for research purposes, hardly picking up anything just for the fun of it. PSA: Don't do this. Do not do this. Don't. Do NOT.

And then I reread one of the few paper fiction books I had with me. I enjoy fairytales but they do still fall under 'sort of work' for me. This did not. This was a book I am eagerly awaiting the finale to.

Anyway, I finished it quickly, reading it both on and off the train. You know. For fun. Not just fill time I was stuck somewhere.

Finishing it annoyed me. I wanted more stories. I wanted more than fairytales. And so I cracked. I bought Equal Rites as an ebook. See, I'd previously decided I would not buy anything I already owned in paperback as an ebook because... Well, waste of money, something I don't have enough of. To buy my entire discworld collection in ebook format would cost as much as getting on a plane and bringing my paper ones back.

But just ONE book would be alright, wouldn't it?

So anyway I finished the book.

Of course I'm not going to read just ONE discworld book.

So I carefully ration myself ebooks, making a condition for myself that they are mainly for the train, but I am allowed to read them at home too.

And gradually... The fog lifted. Nothing much has changed besides that I'm reading books regularly again. I still have the same problems that were upsetting me in March. I was also HORRIBLY BURNED OUT until last week. But my mood is MASSIVELY improved. Like, hugely improved. And yeah, yeah, it's summer now, so the weather will have helped also. But I can pinpoint my recovery to when I started reading regularly again. And that is to say that while I was burned out, I wasn't ALSO sad.

So from now on I will be making an effort to keep reading books for fun.

It's kind of crazy that I had stopped for so long. I mean. I write books people are supposed to read for fun. Kinda hypocritical of me to like.. not do that.

I think maybe I have created this problem for myself with many of my hobbies. I tried to make drawing into a business, tried to do too much too fast, and since then I've barely drawn. I love cartoons so I watch them in Norwegian to help me learn - means I was never just relaxing while watching a cartoon for a few years. Recently started just watching cartoons in English/Japanese if I darn well feel like it.

...enough tangent, back to Why Reading Is Good.

Don't quote me on this, I am just scribbling down thoughts I've been meaning to write down for a month, therefore, am too lazy to track down any sources, but I'm pretty sure reading books is actually scientifically proven to help your brain?? I seem to remember reading your hippocampus shrinks if you don't exercise your brain enough and reading long stories does that. And a shrinking hippocampus causes depression?? I don't know anything much about brains and psychology so I must have read that somewhere.

I think a hippocampus is also like... A horse mermaid.

Again, no source, might be thinking of something from Mermaid Melody.

I'mma go read more of my current book now. It's a history book this time.

Yay books!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Summary of my Edinburgh Festival experience, celebrity gossip edition – comedians who referenced other comedians in their shows. Spoiler alert for everything, obviously.

Nish takes the main prize on this, with jokes affectionately making fun of the Off Menu and Parenting Hell guys, and non-affectionately making fun of Ricky Gervais and Jimmy Carr (the latter of which I hesitated to mention on Tumblr because it’s a WIP and I wasn’t sure he wanted it recorded, until he did that joke while streaming on NextUp, that has to make it fair to discuss). There were also little references to various comedians in a story from filming Hold the Front Page, and to Luke McQueen breaking Nish’s finger during football. Oh, and a bit about Russell Brand. Not a fan.

I heard a few other comedians take shots at Ricky Gervais in their sets, mainly just in passing. Sarah Keyworth actually took one of those out of their set, taking a joke that used to be specifically about Gervais and making it about comedians doing bigoted Netflix specials in general (again, though, has to be fair game to reference the original version as they filmed it at Access Festival for NextUp). It’s the only bit of their set that I thought was stronger in January than in August, but it was a small thing, and the set had improved in a whole bunch of other ways since then, and was very very good to begin with. An excellent show.

More surprisingly, David O’Doherty got a fairly small, but seemingly genuinely frosty dig at Jimmy Carr in his show. It was one of those moments where DO’D plays with the effect of suddenly turning off his gentle persona just for a moment, and it worked well. Got a massive cheer from the crowd, especially for something so quick.

DO’D also had a brief bit slagging off those comedians who claim they’re edgy enough to talk about anything but want to shut down discussions of allegations. A few comedians brought those guys up. Eleanor Morton focused a bunch of her show on discussing how to reconcile having to go around in a community where everyone knows the predators are still there but no one’s allowed to say their names, she discussed a few specific events with guys at that festival but of course didn’t name them. She also referenced an award-winning comedian who once assaulted her, and based on some vague circumstantial evidence I think I know who that is, though I sort of hope I’m wrong. Sort of. Doesn’t really matter, I guess, since a terrible thing happened whether it was by the guy I think it is or not.

Kiri Pritchard-McLean did name a name, when discussing sexual predators in comedy, but of course immediately asked us not to repeat what she’d said because she can’t afford to get sued. Honestly, I was surprised when she said not to repeat it, because I’ve heard that guy’s name mentioned so much in connection with being a predator that I forgot it’s just a rumour, and not something you’re allowed to officially say. So to be clear, Kiri didn’t reveal any unknown secrets. Just a well known one.

…On a lighter note, Mat Ewins has videos that featured Richard Gadd and Jordan Brookes. That was fun. Jordan Brookes had the Crizards guy doing backup dancing in his musical, and some other sketch comedians whom I did not recognize.

On a less light note, Ed Night talked some shit about Tom Binns, which was a bit of a left-field choice, he tied it into stuff about messed up ways people talk about mental health (ie. arguing that mental health medication can turn you into a sex offender).

I have to admit, I did not start this post with the intention of listing all the comedians who referenced rampant getting away with misconduct within the comedy industry. I was just remembering that it was fun when Jordan Brookes turned up in that Ewins video, so I thought I’d do a post where I try to collate all the comedians whom I saw referenced in other comedians’ shows. I feel like if I did this list 10-15 years ago, it would have a lot more comedians telling stories about hanging out with their comedy friends, and a lot less of the harrowing stuff. Not because the harrowing stuff wasn’t happening then, but because it was talked about less, so it is definitely for the best that it’s getting dragged into the open now. Sort of. Only sort of. There are a lot of ways I find comedians’ descriptions of the “industry” familiar, as someone who’s been in an insular community, and I’m sure this is also familiar to anyone who’s ever been in a community of any kind, which is most people. Some of those relatable descriptions about workings of communities are fun, and some of them are the trap where everyone is allowed to condemn awful behaviour in general terms, including the people committing the behaviour, because no one is allowed to discuss specific instances or specific names of predators or victims, and if you do then you’re the problematic person who doesn’t respect confidentiality (even if the victims of what you’re describing want the story out there), so talking about it changes nothing. Anyway. I genuinely did not intend for this post to go in this dark a direction.

…Zoe Coombs Marr directed Lou Wall’s show and they both gave each other shoutouts about that, that was sweet. There’s a non-harrowing instance of comedians referencing each other. Lou Wall also discussed doing various things with other comedians, some harrowing and some not. I was trying to find a lighter side and ended up at Lou Wall’s decidedly non-light show.

Luke McQueen broke Nish Kumar’s finger while playing football. That’s pretty funny. And the crowd did really like it when DO'D took a shot at Jimmy Carr. Also funny.

[helixobesity]

Hi hi so some slight venting here so there’s your warning

Cause it’s mental health problems

Turn back now ye who don’t care

————————

Getting diagnosed with panic disorder over the past couple weeks has kinda sucked really bad

Like my anxiety has always been in the dumpster, I got diagnosed with PTSD+pretty severe depression at 12 years old but regardless it getting so much worse now when I’m really trying my hardest to improve since the new year, to find out what’s wrong and fix it is not exactly great on my brain

It is good to get it diagnosed? Oh absolutely

But being too exhausted to do things I enjoy and sucking up every creative opportunity I try to have is so demoralizing?

Idk I definitely feel bad not reaching out to people on here to be friends more cause so many people are far too kind and I get those “nope don’t deserve it” feelings

I guess just thank you for your patience, still around, still struggling, and still trying to be positive and make friends:) but I’ll just be in a corner wishing I was smothered by big tumby until lack of oxygen fixes me

💞

🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀

[itsclydebitches]

Here's a thing though, because CRWBY loves doing things off-screen. Neo and Cinder did have to travel for some time together and Cinder did speak to Neo in the Vault of the Spring Maiden. They could've exchanged information and she found out about certain things, especially with regards to Salem.

But there's also the fact that Cinder and Neo binded their time in Atlas, waiting for the perfect moment to be able to nab the relic and how to locate the Winter Maiden. I know this banks on Cinder being a competent villainess but she was in V3. Neo is perfect for information gathering, she can choose to be any one who was around Ruby in the background, watching and waiting but also seeing if there were weaknesses she could exploit to make her suffer. Neo could've learned about how close Penny and Ruby by pretending to be some nobody in the background with the aid of her semblance. Headmaster Ozpin, Lionheart and Clover didn't need to be there, no, for the beat down little red got. But man, do I wish that it was something close to Ruby that'd throw the facts at her, that they made mistakes, they were hypocrites and made things worse. Atlas and Mantle are GONE. They almost cost Argus everything with their plane stealing stunt. Salem now has 2 relics in her possession instead of neither. Just someone should've been able to deliver that to Ruby without getting shut down or pushed into submitting to WBY getting all defensive. It's aggravating that RWBY keeps getting away with things one way or another, can't have Ruby get told off by an ally, noooooo, has to be a villain so anyone can dismiss their (very) on point accusations of her character. Wow, I didn't mean to rant so much....

Never feel bad about ranting, anon! I do it plenty lol.

But yeah, full-on agree. That remains my biggest problem with this scene (well, besides the suicide aspect) and why I can't really join in so many other fans' satisfaction at someone calling out Ruby. Because she's not being called out, she's being tortured. The story has taken things that Ruby is at least partially responsible for and framed it so that she comes out looking like the unequivocal victim. Instead of someone trustworthy figuratively knocking some sense into her head (like Qrow, May, or Ren), she's literally getting knocked around by a villain whose ultimately goal is to have her die. There is no version of RWBY in which Ruby comes out of this having learned anything other than her guilt and second-guessing being ~evil~ things that must be defeated. Qrow is threatened into submission. May changes her tune off screen. Ren is ignored until he falls in line. Yang dismisses Ruby and compares her to Ironwood the moment she expresses doubt. And Ruby herself has had those feelings now equated with suicide. If the end result of her going, "Let's stop pretending we know what we're doing" at the start of the Volume is for her to kill herself over that failure, then the message is pretty clearly, "That's a bad thing to believe and Ruby need to improve her mental health by remembering that she's a True Hero who has made the good decisions and shouldn't be doubting her own righteous worth."

By taking Ruby to this extreme the MOMENT she started to question their very questionable choices, the show has written in neon lights what they think of these criticisms. I mean, we knew it already - we've known since Volume 5 - but it really is something else to say, "Ruby's horrific actions aren't something for her to grapple with and learn from, they're the catalyst for suicide and the tools of a villain." Someone else made this comparison already, but the way this is written brings to mind people who have exaggerated, undeserved reactions to someone bringing up legitimate criticism, to the point where suddenly the conversation is about comforting them and ensuring they're safe, rather than actually addressing what they've done wrong. The story has finally gone, "Hey, you did things wrong" and even beyond the fact that this has come from a villain, Ruby has such an EXTREME reaction to that accusation that you feel like an ass for insisting that she still address the problem post-meltdown. The conversation is no longer about how Ruby's arrogance has caused great harm to Remnant, it's about how these things need to be denied/buried/ret-conned/whatever because otherwise she will kill herself.

See? Plenty of ranting XD. On a more positive note, I LOVE that idea, anon. If RWBY really was "planned from the beginning" and we still had to have this encounter, it would have been cool to see a Volumes-long reveal that Neo has been stalking Ruby ever since she left Beacon. She uses her clones to bring up all her mistakes, her failures, intimate moments she'll never repeat because that friend is dead now, and alongside her grief Ruby is downright shocked at the knowledge. How do you know all this? And Neo uses her op semblance to reveal all the background characters that she - and the viewer - had no idea were really her, listening in, biding her time, gathering intel until she could finally use it all to break her.

[after-witch]

messages

I got a lot of lovely messages about my back pain at my first day of work so I'm answering them all in one post!

thank you for the kind messages & logical responses, I really really really really truly appreciate it when people take the time out to send something thoughtful to me.

under a keep reading!

Anonymous asked:

I'm not sure if it'll help at all or if you could use one, but there's some companies that make cushions that are portable (or semi portable) for office work and truck driving and stuff, they can help with bad chairs and back pain (I got one for my mom years ago after an injury, she quite liked it) (I'm so sorry if this unsolicited advice is unwelcome)

no it's not unwelcome! I have one for strapping into chairs that I got last year, but tbh I found that a rolled up pillow was better for my back, at least with the chair I have.

Anonymous asked:

hello Theo! it's okay to feel the way you feel after your first day. a new job is a very stressful experience and there's an element of shock, because you rapidly enter a new environment and are required to adjust to it very promptly.

I'm more than sure that neither your boss, nor your colleagues will be against it if you bring yourself a pillow to support your back to work. you can start small with a pillow, if you feel awkward about more significant adjustments, and then later negotiate a question of bringing a more comfortable chair, if you have resources. you need to be a special sort of asshole to start picking on your employee for a back pillow.

this is an immediate health need that should be met and an absolutely valid reason to request making adjustments on your workplace, doctor note or not. 1) the more comfortable you make yourself the more chances are that it will improve your overall performance; 2) from the employers's POV accommodating to the needs of an already on-boarded employee is better than going through the hiring process all over again.

I wish you all the best and I am sure you will do great once you adjust! sending you a mental hug

"shock" definitely fits… it's all very fast and just, jarring I guess?

I brought a cushion today and no one said anything. I did find out what I need to do in terms of requesting accomodations via an online FAQ (I didn't want to ask my manager so early;;) but I will need a doctor to fill out a form, so I have to wait until next month when I have health insurance.

Thank you for the kind words and logical thought process. I sometimes just need people who are not me, currently in hysterical emotional frenzy, to be like no, this is not a big deal, only assholes will care about a pillow and employer's would rather complete an accommodation request then find & hire someone new.

--

Anonymous asked:

You absolutely should ask for accommodations this early. They hired you because they know you were right for the job, they want you there, so they will help make it easier for you. They are obviously nice people so ask.

You've been through alot of stress and anxiety recently so having that all build up on you after your first day is normal.

It's hard to not think negatively I know but don't let your brain spiral you until you have talked to them. We are always are own worse enemies!

It will be fine, you will be fine

It turns out I do need a physician to fill out a form so I will have to wait until next month when I have insurance. But thank you for the logical thoughts... I get so wrapped up when I feel negative emotions, I kind of lose myself in them. I brought a cushion today and no one said anything.

I have been really stressed & anxious and it's kind of like the Cherry on Top when something went wrong with my back. I'm always waiting for something bad to happen so to speak, when things go right... so when my back hurt so bad yesterday I was just like "Welp!! here it is!!!! right on cue!"

--

Anonymous asked:

First few times I took a flight I dealt with horrible muscular pains the days after, the first few days I could barely walk each time. The reason why that used to happen to me, even though I thought I was relaxed and just sitting, was because I was unconsciously straining my muscles due to stress I wasn’t aware of. Eventually the whole thing became casual to me, so the stress and the pain went away and these days I’m completely unaffected.

Of course a condition such as yours might further exacerbate the pain, but as you get used to the new climate and process I doubt you’ll have to deal with it for months or years. It’ll become like sitting at home.

I think for sure, I was straining when sitting at the chair, because it doesn't have the same type of back (nor is it as wide) as my chair at home... so I feel like my back muscles were straining for hours and I didn't think about it. But also the chair is rather awful (other people were complaining about them, especially with it hurting their thighs!) so I hope I can get an accommodation request.

[thessalian]

Thess vs the Bank Holiday Blues

Currently doing the mental health evaluation and ... well, sometimes you just do everything you possibly can and you're still fucking struggling. Which fucking blows, thank you very much.

I've gone through the checklist. I've eaten. I've hydrated. I slept recently. Technically my "meds for neuropathic pain" are an antidepressant so I can't even say I need meds. As for therapy ... well, been there, done that, developed the coping mechanisms. But mental health-wise? I am struggling to cope at this point.

To be fair, this is largely external factors. This is the realisation that I was very much right about literally nothing changing in this country when we got a Labour government, because now they're saying, "Well, the Tories lied about the massive financial hole they left so we have to scrap all our infrastructure promises, cut the winter fuel allowance, and let the energy companies jack up their prices right at the start of autumn" and it's getting to a point where I wonder if they're just trying to kill the old people so they don't have to pay their state pension.

This is seeing some of the short-sighted bullshit going on in the US in the run-up to their own election. Because I know a whole lot about populist garbage and people making protest votes without thinking about what they're doing, okay? Our general elections here aren't the best example of it, but I have a better one - Brexit. We ended up leaving the EU for a few very simple reasons: a) populist wankers like Johnson and Farage lied through their teeth to win the racist vote; b) some people didn't really want to leave the EU but didn't like how the EU was going about things so voted leave in protest; or c) figured that Leave couldn't actually win and so didn't bother voting. Now, does any of that sound familiar?!? All you have to do is add d) third options that will never win but take the vote away from the sensible choice and you've basically got the US right now. And this country destroyed itself at least partly based on that one stupid badly-planned referendum. The US can't survive another Trump term, I can't actually do anything about the stupids that might allow Trump to take the election, and I have too many people I love in that country to be anything less than terrified. I know that my feelings are valid, I know I can't spend too much emotional energy on something I can't change, but still.

My situation is still not great. It's never going to be, and I know that, just because of circumstance. I guess it's just harder to keep from being depressed about my disability when so much else is weighing me down. I try to keep counting my blessings, because I have a lot of those. Still, no matter how hard you try, some days everything that's wrong seems so big that you're kind of stuck squished. That and probably the Bank Holiday Blues. I mean, I don't work Mondays anyway, but there's a different vibe to the world on Bank Holiday Mondays.

Right. I just need to take my mind off the blues. One of the blessings I can count is that my last therapist was basically the best. She didn't focus on the diagnosis as handed down from the psychs (which was almost definitely a standard "ADHD is often misdiagnosed as BPD in women" thing) and instead looked at my symptoms and my previous coping methods, and helped me hone them into something healthier. Some people would call what I do "avoidance" and "escapism"; I call it "therapeutic hyperfocus". I've done every healthy thing I can to improve my mood, so if the mood's still there, and hyperfocusing on, like, a video game or something keeps me grounded until it blows over, I do that.

Of course, then I have to pick which video game, but I do have a playthrough of BG3 that I am determined to complete, and nothing says "hyperfocus" like "game you've played a few times before but will still hold a couple of surprises because Dice Be Like That". And I deserve some fun after having had to spend most of Saturday in bed because migraine and exhaustion.

[daphnedauphinoise]

how to stop being addicted to self help contents ?

This is a very valid question and something I struggled with until a while ago. The bottom line is you need to just go out and live life. If you are out living life, you are not mindlessly consuming self-help content. A lot of self-help content is bullshit. It really is just a way to be insecure about things that dont require any of that. I have found that you can't wean yourself off self-help, the promise of a better life is so sweet. Not as nearly as sweet as living a better life so in my opinion, it has to be a cold clean cut away from self-help. At some point you actually have do the routines you have made, check the check lists you have made and all those vision boards.

Why are you consuming self help? Usually it is one of these things:

Your life is shit and you have no clue on how to fix it

You are avoiding fixing your life because lets be honest, work is hard so you rather just keep searching for your magic fix

You are deeply afraid of moving past your shitty current situation because now you have gotten used to it and you do not think yourself as deserving of the life you want. You are scared of the brigh future you can have.

Believe it or not but all of these things are fixable. Those of you who are afraid of the good things in life need to do some soul searching and weed out the root of your misfortunes. If you are avoiding the hard work, then you are doomed. If you are group number one, I will come back to you.

One of my friends has a habit of telling us that anxiety is the stupidest man made concept and I used to look at her weirdly until I finally understood what she meant. She wasn't targeting those with diagnosed anxiety, our friend group knows first hand how delibatating anixety can be. What she means is a lot of our concepts we have about self, we come up with ourselves and those concepts are our downfall. I used to have this horrible notion that I was incapable and i was worth much, guess where my life was? Once I started respecting myself more and flipped that narrative my life has changed so much. Until a couple of months ago I used to go around saying ' i have such bad anxiety', it was an excuse as much as it was a justification. As soon as uni started again and I have been forced to interact, guess whose life has been better? I am not saying my social anxiety has gone but my mental health has improved dramatically. I no longer say I have that anxiety anymore eventhough I do, I dont let that hold me back. Just because I have it, I dont let myself become a victim to it. The things I thought I couldn't do, I do now; all it took was a new outlook and a new mindset. Things do get exponentially better when you actually leave your front door and tackle your problems head on. From my own experience, the more I have labeled myself as an 'anxious' person, the worse my anxiety has gotten. I did a chart and everything and I saw that there was a direct correlation to what I was perpetuating and then how I was feeling and then consequently acting.

Here is how self-help went wrong: people see self-help as the end goal. Making the visualisation board is not the end goal. Making a visualisation board is the start of your journey. I have a board right infront of me now and everyday I wakeup and I look at it and promise myself that I will do something today that will bring me one step closer to one of those pictures. A lot of people who are into manifesting hate actually doing the work but I need you remember Law of Action is literally a universal law. You cannot manifest a schoalarship, if you never apply. You won't meet your billionaire boo if you are at home day in day out. The time to start your journey to your dream life is actually right now! Literally RIGHT NOW. Stop giving yourself excuses and do that 10 minutes of whatever you need to do today. You need to be confrontational with yourself and you need to have self-discipline.

All the girls I know who have had shitty upbringings and me personally, are where we are because we dream hard and work hard. I have seen people leave the wildest pasts behind and move onto the bigger and better. From being abdandoned by her parents to golfing every week and currently she is planning her skiing getaway. I have seen people using their losing deck and win at life. They all work hard. Their work ethic and their dedication to their purpose is a commonality they all share.

daphne xox

[ara0minthe]

Tuesday, 30th of August / Jeudi 30 août 2024

Well, august is about to end.

Here in France it means that school will start in a few days for young students. And a few weeks for university students.

This feeling that something is about to end kinda makes me sad.

I had lots of first times this summer and made so many memories.

Maybe this coming year of school will be better than my last (it couldn't even be worse anyway, for mental health reasons I failed all my exams).

Because of this bad experience I feel nervous, scared that it will happen again. But because I worked hard to improve this summer, I have hope that I can do better.

I've always been a good student until the last year, I can still do good, I just need to do the right things and have my life go in the right direction.

ANYWAY THATS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT;

GOOD NEWS; I PASSED MY EXAM.

It means that I can now start the practical lessons for my driving license, I will finally get to drive a car hahhahaha 😆.

I'm so happy.

I was kinda stressed, but today, when I was out with a very close friend, I got the results and immediately announced the news to my parents and closer friends.

They congratulated me, they're so precious ✨️🥺.

My mother was happy and same for my father, he also told me that he didn't dare ask me about it in case I failed and I was feeling bad about it.

He was worried, he's so precious.

That was surprising because usually, when I have tests and exams, they don't really give much care to it since I always manage to do well, they know they don't need to worry.

But well, since this one is to get a driving license, I guess they did give more care to it since it was a different type of exam.

I literally spent so many of my summer days working and they saw that.

I'm happy.

I think the reason I can feel this happy is because I managed to get rid of my dopamine addiction over time. It took so much time, struggles and failures but I sure did.

I feel more present and able to enjoy my daily life.

I stopped being so lazy and don't feel this mentally unwell anymore.

So maybe, life's not so hard in the end, I just needed to get back on track.

Get myself back together.

So I'm happy. And feel more connected to those around me.

I'm not really an emotional type of person, but right now, I feel like I have lots of love to give.

That's what you call happiness I guess.

That's it for today.

One advice for those who read this; no matter how many times you fail, keep trying to achieve your goals, failure is part of the process, we humans are strong, and nothing is impossible.

You will see results for sure. Don't despair and just keep making efforts.

That's it for today.

Have a good day or good evening.

Je vous aime, à la prochaine fois !

[kwaggysshardmindemporium]

I've been using Pokemon Sleep for about five weeks now. Here's some thoughts below the cut. It's a long one.

First, my opinions about the nuts and bolts of how it works. This is... mostly complaints.

- The monetization in this game is absolutely disgusting. Like just heinous. If you're the kind of person that needs to avoid stuff with microtransactions, do not install this game. I haven't given them a dime, but I've also at this point built up a strong resistance to monetization tricks. DO NOT let your kids play this game if they have a credit/debit card hooked up to their accounts.

- On the flip side, credit where due, when they say on the load screen that you can play 100% of the game without paying, this is true. You'll progress faster and with less effort if you pony up some cash, but the game gives you a decent stream of the premium currency, Diamonds, that will get you access to whatever niceties you'd like. If I wanted something that requires the premium currency to get, I haven't found myself walled behind a massive wait for the drip feed to catch up.

- The game wants roughly thirty minutes to an hour of your time a day not counting the sleep tracking. Three ten to twenty minute chunks. One in the morning to review last night's sleep data and feed Snorlax breakfast, one in the afternoon for lunch, and then one or two in the evening for dinner and switching on the sleep tracking.

- When the app tells you to put your phone on the bed for the sleep tracking, this is actually NECESSARY for how it functions. I had assumed it just uses audio to gauge if you snore or whatever (which it does), but it also uses your phone's accelerometer to determine if you're tossing and turning and by extension how deep you're sleeping. If you put it on a bedside table or something, it'll give you a readout saying you slept like an absolute fucking ROCK. If you're like me and toss and turn a lot, you can actually use this to cheese the game a little since certain Pokemon only appear when you sleep deeper and those are for me quite hard to get without this cheese. I would go so far as to actively recommend this tactic.

- You may notice that's kind of a creepy amount of data to collect and it feels kind of like inviting a stalker into your bedroom. You are correct. The app assures you that the actual sleep data does NOT get transmitted at all. I do not have anything other than their word to confirm that. I don't know if what it collects is fairly standard for other apps like it, but my assumption is yes?

- Because of how it tracks your sleep info, if you sleep with a partner in the same bed it completely skullfucks its tracking.

- If you have an even slightly older phone, the app chugs whenever you try to click anything. There's like a one-second lag on every click in the menu followed by a short load screen. Those 10-20 minute sessions would be about half as long if I had a phone with more processing speed.

Now all the above might sound damning as hell. But here's the thing. I like this app a lot actually. It's DEEPLY flawed, but let's talk about the game's mechanics, which is mostly positives:

- Right at the top, this app has improved my sleep schedule, pardon the pun, practically overnight. My new PC has told me twice now that step one to fixing most of my mental health issues is healthier sleep, which he knows is hard but you gotta try. I've been hesitant to take the meds he prescribed for that, but I heard about this app and figured gamifying sleeping on time would be a great way to get me to actually do it. Worked like a charm. The game asks what you'd like your nightly bedtime to be, and gives you rewards for maintaining it. You get these rewards if you go to sleep either 90 minutes prior to that time, or 30 minutes after. My doctor recommended 30 in each direction for consistency, but they don't send you a reminder notification until that 30 minute mark prior so partial credit I guess? I've missed that bedtime like 3 times in these last five weeks, and yeah my everything is way better.

- Looking at the Pokemon wandering my camp makes my brain make the happy juice in a way most Pokemon stuff really doesn't anymore. Like, there's no battles or anything (although you apparently can transfer to and from Pokemon Go, don't know how well that works because I don't play), so you just get a pleasant kind of domesticity most Pokemon stuff doesn't do.

- Here's the actual gameplay loop. You're researching Pokemon sleep patterns. To do this, you're using some nonsense machine that amplifies local Snorlax's natural aura of sleepiness to attract Pokemon to come sleep by it. Snorlax's are apparently the capybaras of the Pokeworld which I actually love. The more you feed Snorlax, the more powerful this sleepy aura becomes. It resets each week because you go to a new campsite with a new Snorlax. During the day, your team of Pokemon (max of... 5 for some reason instead of the default six everywhere else in this franchise?) gather berries to feed your Snorlax throughout the day in idle-game-esque timers, as well as ingredients for more complicated meals. You take the ingredients, make Snorlax meals up to three times a day (6am-noon for breakfast, noon-6pm for lunch, 6pm-6am for dinner). Each pokemon also has an ability that in some way helps you out. Then you can at any time turn on the sleep tracking, then turn it off when you wake up. After a rest of 90+ minutes has been tracked, it gives you a total of how much power that rest generated, and takes you to a minigame where you photograph the sleeping Pokemon that came to rest in your camp. The more power, the more varied the sleeping positions and the rarer the Pokemon. You can then feed them biscuits to befriend them. You get the equivalent of a Great Ball(/Biscuit) every day which on its own fills about 3/5 of a non-evolved Pokemon's friendship bar (the basic biscuit that you'll use most of the time fills 1/5), so there's always at least some progress towards making a friend. Sometimes a Pokemon is extra hungry and the first thing you feed them is worth triple, and you can also get that same multiplier as an RNG thing without warning. Once you fill up a bar, you've befriended that Pokemon and can now add it to your teams or send it to the professor for candies like you do in Pokemon Go. You are also given candies for every Pokemon you attracted even if you don't befriend them, plus "Sleep Points" based on how long you slept for that can be exchanged for items like more biscuits (for reference, a single basic biscuit is roughly 1.5 times a good night's sleep... fucking YIKES) plus "Dream Shards" for how cool the photos you took are, which are used mostly for leveling up your Pokemon and upgrading your camp.

- I love this gameplay loop actually. It feels way more like these Pokemon are my friends as opposed to wild animals I've caught.

- Leveling up and evolving take large amounts of those candies and dream shards. The candies feel like the primary gate on progression.

Overall, this is a game I like a lot despite its flaws, and the positive impact it's had on my health even in this short span is hard to understate. I wish they'd back off with the creepy monetization so I could actively recommend instead of recommend with an asterisk. But yeah that's my thoughts on this weird ass product.

[mejomonster]

Okay so. My ability to focus is weak af recently. Regardless, gonna liveblog if I do manage to read ToT. I found Huai Dao Way of Evil on one of ur recommendations, as an older priest novel that kinda felt like the rough first try at the vibe Modu would nail later? (Also i have heard in reviews its uh best case cringe worst case insensitive at handling mental health issues which... modu handles so well and nuanced so, i mean i guess worst case at least things improved? But ive ran into enough (unfortunately) novels that handle the topic shittily that i hope im kind of hardened to it. Like i suspect sci mystery probably handles mental stuff suckily but im still gonna give it a shot one day for its other qualities, etc.) Anyway back to my point: huai dao may not be lets say up to spec of "wow one of my new top fave stories ever" like modu was. But hey! Still lets go on this journey! See how skills evolved, see what ideas were older and got cherished and improved ya know. (Also reasons id love to read Iterant Doctor and The Blue Seal by priest).

Also? Frankly. I love a good murder mystery. I read the first few pages. And already I can tell, at least writing style wise, ill like huai dao more than In The Dark (sorry ITD i just dont click as much style wise). Huai Dao doesnt open on a scary or mysterious scene to make me wonder whats going on: which Lie Huo Jiao Chou, Zhenhun, Modu, and Can Ci Pin all do fairly quickly (and its a good choice from my perspective lol as it gets me sucked in). But it does open with solid CHARACTERS. A couple pages in and i already have a much firmer Feel of the characters than 100 pages of In The Dark. I can tell the police girl has some vibes in common with Zhu Hong and Lang Qiao (but priest just loves a few certain Types in the investigator work groups), but she also distincrly doesnt have a Little Sister big mouth vibe of Lang Qiao and also doesnt have a cold judging but fond vibe like Zhu Hong, she feels distinct enough for me to get a sense of her as unique (something i think priest does well that... again ITD just did not really give me until maybe halfway thru book 1). The main chief boss seems a lot like ITD's chief, and Modu's. Except modu even early on had hints the chief had secrets, was a certain social class and tied to powerful city people. This chief, at least on opening pages, seems more close and friendly to his entire team and closer to their level.

And the main guy. Shen Yexi. On first impression, oh boy. I like him. Hes around my age, he got shot and just got cleared to come back to work. The setup is standard for many a mirder mystery and danmei crime novel (Poyun and In The Dark open similarly, its just a common setup). But immediately i can tell who he is on some level. He's friendly but not nearly in the way Zhao Yunlan is (not charismatic and big) and not in the show offy almost perfotmance Keep In Control way Luo Wenzhou is. He exudes a certain Serious nature (more like shen wei maybe? If anything) but also is sincere to people he considers somewhat close (like his team). Again, i deeply appreciate the way priest can immediately establish at least some specific sense of character quite quickly. Ive read bits of a few other novels lately that couldnt do that as fast, and for me unique characters i can really grasp goes a Long way into holding my attention.

Shen Yexi is about my age, as stubborn as me, probably too much of a workaholic and a touch too sincere about doing what hes intending to do (at least on first impression). And i can tell im gonna like him. As the 3rd case solving murders type priest story ive checked out (after zhenhun and modu), i was a bit worried the lead might feel like a less refined version of zhao yunlan or luo wenzhou or tao ran. Happy to say, so far, he does not. (Tao ran may be closest in temperment but... fei du and luo wenzhous point of views painted tao ran as so perfect and put on a pedestal of normal sweet noble Great that Shen Yexi just has NONE of tao rans vibe).

Anyway, expect more commentary at some point.

Btw I am reading The Way of Evil 坏道 on WOC Translations, the translation is complete:

[lumiereandcogsworth]

meant to send this yesterday but I fell asleep so 😈 every now and then I think about how Robert and Giselle's lives would've gone if they hadn't found each other and it had me wondering what you think Adam and Belle's might be? I believe you've mentioned Adam knew he had to eventually marry and have kids, do you think he would've ever come to love them in a weird way, or would he have just stayed distant? and what would happen to Maurice and Belle 👁️👁️

LOOOOOVE THIS QUESTION AAHHH.

okay so for belle and maurice. i truly think belle would have stayed in the village, until maurice died. which, not to be BLEAK, but historical evidence dictates that maurice probably would have lived only another like. Maybe ten years. MAYBE. which is so sad i’m sorry!!!!! a beautiful bonus of belle & adam marrying is that both belle and maurice’s qualities of life improve IMMENSELY. they go from poverty to royalty. better food, better hygiene resources, better mental health in general like ?? Thriving. so in the Real post-canon world, fear not. maurice lives longggg and even gets to become a great-grandfather before he goes 💙

BUT OKAY IN THIS AWFUL WORLD?? WHERE MY BELOVEDS DO NOT MEET????? yeah okay so, belle obviously wants to get outta town. we know this. but she really is not going leave maurice behind. they’re so bonded, and she clearly worries about him a lot. she’s like, DISTRAUGHT being at the castle, not because of her own safety, but because her father is home alone!!!! “he’s never been on his own”!!! (which always makes me laugh endearingly a little. like babygirl what do you think he was doing all those years before you were born 😭 he has been on his own PLENTY. but from her perspective i totally understand. he’s the center of her world, he’s never been alone To Her, because he’s always with her!!!!! augh. beloveds.)

ANYWAY, belle and maurice would just continue their lives. i guess in this divergence, maurice just doesn’t get lost on the way to the market? he goes and comes back the next day and things just carry on ? and in this same universe, adam never got cursed of course, but we’ll get into that shortly. so, some years go by. gaston definitely Continues pursuing belle, which is annoying, and i fear he’d get more aggressive, but i could also see him getting bored and moving on. (maybe even moving away 😍🤞 but that’s unlikely since he’s so worshiped here. but maybe people get bored of him too! idk.) regardless, maybe some ten years post the movie point in the timeline, maurice gets sick and slowly fades away. belle’s at his bedside to the very end. maurice is constantly telling her to not fret about him, to go on, go live your life now. forget me. but she, of course, continues caring for him until his last breath. she’s devastated. père robert comforts her and the funeral is small but nice.

after THAT (i can’t believe you just made me write that. biting you for your crimes.) belle grieves for a period of time, but her father’s words keep ringing in her mind. “go live your life, go on, go live.” so she eventually finds the strength to do so. she never loved this village, and this village Certainly never really loved her, but she knew her father felt safest here, so she stayed. but now that his story has ended, perhaps hers can begin. she sells everything she can, including the cottage itself, packs up clothes and books and special trinkets in saddlebags and a rucksack, hugs père robert and madame dupont (the dressmaker) and maybe a few others goodbye, hops on philippe’s back, and takes off.

i don’t think she completely knows where to go. but her heart keeps leading toward paris. she has to see. she has to know where her roots were laid. she has to know what her life was supposed to be like, had her mother lived. she had enough money to get by fairly easily, staying in inns and places along the way. meeting people, learning lots. she eventually lands in paris, and it really is a whole new world. i like to think that she finds her bearings here, somehow. maybe she’s able to get some education, since paris is more progressive than the small towns. MAYBE she gets the chance to open her own book shop. being in the city is a culture shock for her, for SURE, but she’s nothing if not determined to face a challenge.

she probably settles in paris, but definitely saves enough money to take little trips to other towns and cities, as well as maybe even getting to see italy. (MAYBE even getting to board a ship to that “america” place everyone seems so hot and bothered about.) (oh this may be obvious but batb universe is an alternate reality where the french revolution doesn’t happen. i’m not letting my babies get guillotined?? although, in This au, with adam and belle never having met… maybe it still would have. idk🤗) also i do like to think that belle would have met someone in paris and gotten married! i don’t think it was important to her AT ALL, but i can definitely see her having some cute little love story with a nice lad who kept frequenting her book shop. maybe they marry and have a couple kiddos. but also maybe not! i’m a huge fan of spinster!belle as well. and i know she’d kick ass and be content as one. (though i knoooow she longs for romance. so i’ll give her the cute bookshop guy. as a treat ❤️)

WELL WELL WELL… let’s check in with the local bitchass prince. shall we?

okay so. SO. yeah, adam never being cursed, never given an opportunity for change… he just fully becomes his father. the council was getting progressively more annoyed with him about not marrying someone, and i think within a year or two, they push on him some other laws that are like hey if you Don’t get married you’re actually subject to just fully lose the entire kingdom. you don’t wanna lose your precious ✨Things✨ do you? and adam, groaning like a child, is like “no…😒” so! the council finds some princess from an allied kingdom. i’m being vague on purpose because political history is not my speciality and i also Don’t Super Care. but hey! princess from allied kingdom! hello! adam meets his bride on their wedding day. neither of them are thrilled about it but she’s probably more willing to Do Their Duty than he is.

they get married and she’s pregnant not before too long. i can’t imagine adam feels too much about it. they have a son, (and the whole country collectively sighs in relief) and he’s probably named louis after adam’s father :/ or maybe antoine after his grandfather. anyway. gahhhh this is so tough to watch.

okay but the thing is, even if adam doesn’t feel AS connected to his son here, i still know that he’s not going to be harsh with him the way louis was with him. the reason he didn’t want to have children is because he knew how his father treated him was Wrong, but he had no idea how to be gentle either. his wife can see that he Wants to know what to do with their son, but he just doesn’t have the skills and tools. and unfortunately, his wife doesn’t really understand him enough to get through to him. he rejects any kind of emotional vulnerability with her. so, to ensure he doesn’t Harm the boy, adam is just absent a lot. he spends more and more time in paris and versailles. he has mistresses and still finds ways to indulge. he DOES his king duties but only precisely what he needs to do, nothing more.

he comes back every now and then to still “be around” and such. he and his wife probably have a few more children over time. they have daughters and sons. princesses and princes. he knows what to do with them even less when they’re children, not having ANY idea how to interact with children, and not having the complete love & care for them to even try. he’s not cruel or hateful toward them, he’s just. not emotionally present. they’re not afraid of him, they just don’t feel anything from him. it’s much of the same with his wife (unless she tries to Talk about anything too personal. then he’s vicious and argues angrily. they can sometimes talk about work subjects if he’s in a good mood (though that’s boring) and they may even have some intellectual talks too ! she’s educated and he does appreciate that in her. but overall they’re just never super close because she doesn’t get him and he never tries to get her.)

his sons go to boarding school and university to be educated young men, his daughters are taught by governesses and go to finishing school to be fine young ladies.

adam is just :/ depressed. and I’M DEPRESSED WRITING THIS!!!!!! BITING YOU AGAIN!!!! but anyway yeah he’s just kind of :// going through the motions. i know there’s another universe where he becomes just as cruel as his father was, but i really can’t bear the thought. (and that world i presented also assumes that his wife would be a nice person, willing to endure him for their duty. there’s also a world where she’s just as awful and it’s even messier than we could possibly imagine!!!) but the fact is, adam DOES have good in him. we KNOW he does. and maybe he doesn’t end up finding a soulmate to help him fully bring it out, but i Know him and i KNOW that having a partner who is at least kind to him, and having children, Would be able to shift something in him just a bit. just enough not to be cruel to them… even if he never finds the skills to be fully loving with them 😭