#ramblings and rantings and whatnot and so forth

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

I understand…

that my failures to incorporate things that would contribute to improving my health, like exercising, is not a moral failing. I understand that to a certain degree, my inability to do much of anything with my time not spent at my full time job don’t necessarily make me a worse person. I understand that my mental illness contribute significantly to my constant fatigue and that comparing myself to other people is fruitless because we have different conditions of living. I understand that my behaviors, never leaving my apartment, never exercising, staying up too late trying to make up for how much time is lost to having a full time job, and spending all my time looking at screens, regardless of whether they are “coping mechanisms” or simply how i do things, are somewhat responsible for me being frequently depressed and exhausted. I understand that most of said behaviors are things I do as a result of other problems I have, and that they can typically be traced back to previously mentioned mental illnesses. I understand that progress is gradual, and that even though I feel like I’m going nowhere and getting worse, if I simply look back on where I was and compare it to where I am now I can see that I’ve made a ton of progress. I understand that even if I was truly stagnating, failing to improve in any meaningful way or even if I was getting worse, that wouldn’t mean I’m a bad person. I understand that, all things considered, just getting through each day is a success I should be happy with. I understand that there are other people who have it worse or who have spiraled further down into misery, and I understand that that isn’t a moral failing either. I understand that life is unfair. I understand that the conditions of living in our society the way it currently is are massively contributing factors to misery and depression. I understand that if I want to feel less miserable I need to make small steps, and that one day maybe I won’t be constantly fatigued, maybe I won’t be afraid and ashamed of existing, maybe I’ll be healthier, maybe I’ll have the energy to cook more, maybe I’ll be less lonely. I understand that even if it takes years to get there, I am taking it step by step. I understand that one of the large reasons why I am feeling so terrible at the current moment to make this post is that I’ve gone half a week without my proper prescription doses of my extremely mood affecting hormones medications. I understand that reason I am currently and frequently go days without proper prescription doses is because I forget or put off the appointments and phone calls and other steps I need to do to prevent the problems until it’s too late. I understand that my reason for trying so hard to put off said problems until I can’t ignore it anymore is because whenever I think about the future and the things I have to do I get so overwhelmed by anxieties and fears that it sends me into its own depression spiral. I understand that all of this doesn’t make me a worse person. I understand that my original intent to make this post end with “what I don’t understand is what I’m supposed to do to try to fix all this” is self defeating and negative and would completely undercut all the sentences I literally just typed to tell myself that I’m making progress. I understand that I have a lot of problems. I understand that I’m doing my best to do what I can, and that being hard on myself for not doing more only makes it harder with no benefit.

So. I guess I understand.

[dandy-andyyy]

still haven’t mustered up the courage to finally start iwtv even though I reallyyyyyy want to arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

…

…

welp I think I’m gonna read some fanfic ok bye

[steddiealltheway]

"Steve! You've got to help me. I panicked, and I told my Tinder date that you and Eddie have been dating for two years!" Robin yells as she storms into their living room. 

Luckily, Steve's gotten used to her entering their apartment in such a way over the past few years, but he barely registers what she says in her haste. He takes a moment to stare at her with his eyebrows drawn together in confusion, hoping the words will eventually make sense. 

They don’t. 

"What?" 

Robin paces back and forth while gesturing wildly with her hands. "You know how I do the thing where I ramble around girls I find really really hot? Well, I was doing that, and I brought you up and kept going on about how annoying my roommate is-" 

"Are you kidding m-" 

Robin continues as if she didn't just insult him. "And she kind of stopped and look at me and said, 'Your roommate is a guy?' And I got confused and said yes because why would I lie? And she got all uncomfortable and started asking more questions like if you were gay or straight, and I told her you were bi, and she got even weirder! So, eventually I just straight up asked her what was wrong, and she said that she didn't want to go out with me if my roommate was potentially into me. So I told her that wasn't a problem because you've been dating Eddie for two years." She finishes with that awkward lip bite she does which can be oddly endearing sometimes. But it’s not this time. 

Steve leans forward on the couch. "I'm sorry. You still want to go out with a girl who has no trust in my ability to keep things in my pants? As if she doesn't trust that you're a lesbian and if I ever made a move on you, you would absolutely punch me in the throat." 

Robin sits next to him and grabs his hands. "She's so so hot, Steve. Please." 

Steve rolls his eyes. "Fine, you can keep telling her that I’m dating Eddie, I guess." 

Robin breaks eye contact and starts picking at her nail polish. 

Well, that’s not a great sign. "What aren't you telling me?" 

Robin slowly looks at him in the way a dog looks at their owner after destroying their favorite shoes. "Okay, so then I really got a bit crazy, and when she asked me to show me pictures of you two together, I dropped my phone in my glass of water." She slowly pulls out her phone, and sure enough, it won't even turn on. 

Steve digs the heels of his hands into his eyes before grabbing her phone and stalking off to the kitchen to find rice and a bowl. Robin follows after him. 

"So, all I need to do is take a few pictures of you guys looking really coupley on dates and whatnot and make it look like they range over the past two years. I also told Veronica that I would let her meet you two sometime soon,” She rushes in to add the second thing before Steve can really process the first one. She just smiles, trying to look all sweet and endearing.  

Steve gives Robin the best bitchy glare he has, but she shoots him one back and counters by saying, "You owe me, and you know it." 

"For what?" Steve asks as he pours rice over her phone. 

Robin crosses her arms. "Three weeks ago, you kicked me out of the apartment without warning to have sex with some random girl, and I was left stranded for the night." 

Steve scoffs, "You went to Nancy's and slept in her very nice guest bedroom!" 

"You owe me!" 

Steve puts the bag of rice down and sighs. "Fine, but if Eddie doesn't agree, then I'm out." 

Robin smiles. "Deal." 

Steve hates how confident she is about the whole thing, so he calls Eddie and puts him on speaker. When he answers, Steve immediately says, "Hey, Eddie, you're on speaker with me and Robin, and she has a very ridiculous request for you. I'll let her tell you the details." 

After Robin recounts her night and Steve tries not to rant about how much of a bad vibe he gets from the girl, Eddie pauses for a bit to take it all in. Then, he says, "Robin, I really don't like this Veronica girl." 

"She's hot!" Robin retorts. 

Eddie snorts on the other line. "I'm in if Steve's in." 

Steve's jaw drops. Robin shoots him a big smile. "Perfect! What if we started on pictures early tomorrow? I've got a lot of random dates to prepare you guys for." 

Steve interrupts before Eddie can answer. "And why can't you show her like... three pictures of us cuddling on the couch?" 

"We need to cover our tracks as much as we can and cuddling on the couch a few times won’t do. Oh, we should hang a few pictures of you two around the apartment!" Robin plots excitedly. 

Steve runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head. He can't believe he's doing this. They don’t even have pictures hanging up. 

"Tomorrow works for me," Eddie says, entirely oblivious to Steve’s internal struggle. 

But Steve can't help but get a little excited at the thought of seeing Eddie and spending a whole day with him. 

So, he sucks it up and says, "I'm free, too. And I'm excited to see you, Eddie. I've missed you." 

"I saw you yesterday," Eddie laughs on the other line. 

Steve blushes and argues, "Seeing you for a minute when I get my coffee doesn't count." 

"Whatever you say, pumpkin bread." 

Pumpkin bread? Steve scrunches up his nose in protest. “That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.” 

"Just practicing for when we meet this Veronica girl, my peach." 

Steve can’t help but laugh. "We are not that kind of couple. But I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night. Sweet dreams, rubber ducky." 

Eddie laughs loudly on the other line and muffles the sound probably with his hand. 

Steve bites his lip, trying not to get too pleased at causing that reaction. 

"Good night, sweetheart." The line beeps three times as the call ends, and Steve can't help the smile that grows on his face. Sweetheart... he kind of likes that one. 

"Glad to see you two get into your roles," Robin says with a smirk. 

Steve jumps back, having forgotten she was there. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight.” With that, he quickly rushes off to his room before Robin can say anything else about the interaction. 

"Goodnight, dingus!" she calls after him joyously. 

This all better be worth it.

-:-:-:-:-:-

The next morning, Steve can't help but get a little nervous when Eddie sends him an "Almost there!" text. He has a feeling this whole thing is going to blow up in their faces or something. 

He's always known that Eddie's been cute. Hell, the first time he saw him, Steve thought he was hot. But he had never thought of them together after that. Sure, there was definitely a certain chemistry between them, but for some reason, Steve always saw him as off-limits. Especially since Dustin would kill him if he ever broke Eddie's heart. 

So, Steve learned to push down any feelings he's had for him over the years. And he's afraid that all those repressed feelings are going to come up today.  

There's a knock on his and Robin's apartment door, and Steve freezes. Hopefully his and Eddie’s friendship will survive whatever happens next.  

Here goes nothing.  

He opens the door to find a curly head of hair in front of him that isn't Eddie's. 

"Nancy?" 

"Hi! I'm here to take pictures today," she explains as she walks through the door, wiggling her Canon camera in her hand. "I thought Robin told you." 

"She certainly did not," Steve says and pinches his nose. He might kill her. He pushes the door shut, but it stops. 

"Hey," Eddie says peaking his head out from behind the door and catching Steve’s eye quickly. "Sorry, I'm late," he apologizes as he pulls Steve into a tight hug. 

Steve lingers in it, squeezing Eddie tightly, smelling the lavender shampoo he uses, and trying to make the moment last as long as he can. 

The sound of a camera shutter snaps him out of the moment. 

He pulls back and looks at Nancy. 

"Taking some candid pictures," she says unapologetically. 

But Steve doesn't care too much when he feels Eddie's hand linger on his back. "You're taking pictures for us? What happened to Robin?" 

"Yes, what did happen to Robin?" Steve asks raising his voice so she'll hear him. 

"Coming!" she yells then comes out of her room looking very strangely put together. Steve glances down at her wrist and notices her wearing her lucky black bracelet. When did she start wearing that again? 

"You look nice," Nancy says with a soft smile. 

"Thanks," Robin replies with a soft blush. 

Steve is definitely missing something, but he can't pay attention when Eddie is gently rubbing his back. He's going to end up dying on the spot. 

"Eddie!" Robin says, finally noticing him, "I see you brought the extra clothes." 

Steve glances down to where Eddie's suitcase sits on the floor. He does not remember him bringing that in. Shit, he's so distracted by his presence. Wait. "Why did you bring extra clothes?" he asks Eddie then notices how close they're standing. Oh, hello, Eddie's very soft-looking lips. 

"I told you we're covering two years. That means different seasons," Robin says as if the answer is obvious. 

Hell no. "There's no way in hell I'm wearing cold clothes outside in the heat." 

"Good thing I planned for us to stay in for those pictures," Nancy says with a smile on her face. "Now go change into one of your sweaters or something. Oh! Eddie, you should change with him so you two can color coordinate. It'll be so cute!" 

Steve adds Nancy to the list of people he might murder. 

Eddie's hand drops from his back as he wheels the suitcase into Steve's room. Steve follows and closes the door behind him. 

"Sorry for all this," Steve says, glancing around to make sure nothing embarrassing is laying out. 

Eddie shakes his head and brushes it off as if it's nothing, "Nah, it's all good. I think it could be fun if we let it. Color coordinating is a horrible idea though." 

"Agreed," Steve replies, deciding that his room looks fine. He opens up his closet and pushes his short sleeve clothes to the side to try to get to his sweaters hanging in the back. "What are you thinking for clothes?" 

"I don't care as long as you wear your yellow sweater for one of the pictures." 

Steve snorts. For some reason, Eddie had such an attachment to the thing. One time, he mistakenly put it in his designated donation bin, and he thought Eddie was going to cry when he found it. 

He had cradled the thing to his chest and dramatically said, "You don't understand, Steve. Some people's lives depend on you wearing this sweater. Their lives, Steve." 

Steve had rolled his eyes, put it back on a hanger, and hung it with the other sweaters. "Better?" he asked. 

"Much better."  

And the whole thing had been worth it to see the smile on Eddie's face - especially when Steve decided to surprise him by wearing it to the coffee shop the next day. 

"Whatcha thinking about?" Eddie asks with a smile, suddenly very close to him. 

Steve shakes his head as if shaking away the memory. "Nothing." 

Eddie raises an eyebrow but he doesn't push it before he goes back to his suitcase and starts laying out his clothes on Steve's bed. 

Steve strips off his shirt and pulls the sweater over his head. He glances down at his jeans and decides that Veronica probably won't remember what pants he was wearing in each picture. 

He turns to tell Eddie as much but freezes when he sees Eddie shirtless, sorting through the clothes to find the perfect assortment of layers. Steve swallows and adverts his eyes. He is not going to check him out while he's changing. He clears his throat and turns back to his closet. "I think we just need to change our shirts. Maybe outside, you can start with a base layer then add on top of that." 

Steve doesn't think he can stand to see shirtless Eddie with all his tattoos out in the daylight or the moonlight - if it takes that long. And he certainly does not want to let anyone else see that either. 

"That's smart, babe." 

Steve's hand squeezes whatever poor shirt he was grabbing a little too tight at the nickname. He's never been one for nicknames, especially over-the-top ones, but knowing it's Eddie calling him that as if he really does love him... it really does something for Steve. 

He doesn't reply as he grabs a few shirts and jackets and lays them out on the bed next to Eddie's stuff. 

He glances up at Eddie and almost breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that he has a shirt on. And a flannel. And his leather jacket. Thank goodness for layers. 

He looks back at Eddie's face and catches the exact moment that Eddie registers him wearing the yellow sweater. His eyes fill with unhinged excitement and joy. He walks right into Steve's space and leans down - oh my god - to talk to the sweater. 

"I've missed you so much. You know, it's so unfair that Steve only gets to wear you for a small part of the year. And he doesn't own anything short-sleeved in your beautiful color it seems." 

Steve puts his hands on his hips and stares up at the ceiling. He can't believe he's ever had trouble pushing down feelings for this man. 

(But he makes a note to himself to buy more things in yellow just for him.) 

There’s a loud knocking on the door, then Robin yells, “You two have been in there for a while! Everything okay?” 

“Eddie is talking to my sweater again!” Steve calls back. 

There’s a pause before Nancy says, “Sorry, we didn’t hear you right. What?” 

“I’m talking to his sweater! Be out soon!” Eddie yells. 

There’s some mumbling outside the door as Steve finally looks down at Eddie and asks, “Are you done?” 

Eddie smiles up at him. “Never.” 

But he straightens up and presses a quick kiss to Steve’s shoulder before he turns to leave the room. “That was for the sweater, not you,” Eddie clarifies. 

“Right,” Steve replies. Because that makes so much sense.

Today is going to kill him. 

Part two ;)

(This was meant to just be a ficlet for my dear friend @henderdads , and then it turned into a six-part fic. I hope you enjoy!! ((Especially you, Cass)) AO3 Link here!)

[tocrackerboxpalace]

Le Rêve - Part 4

Summary: George reflection chapter. What more is there to say?

Warning: R-rated

“Ringo, have you seen me favorite pair of socks? The black ones?”

George tore through his suitcase in agitation, carelessly tossing the clothing into a second-carpet on the hotel floor. He groaned in frustration when an uninterested “uh-uh” came from the other side of the room, where Ringo was changing into his pajamas.

“I can’t bloody find them anywhere.” George let out a defeated huff and sat back on his heels with a pout.

“Where’d you leave ‘em last?”

“If I knew that,” George tried, ever-so-patiently, “I wouldn’t be tearin’ the room apart, now, would I?”

“Did you leave ‘em in John and Paul’s this morning?” Ringo asked in a tone of voice that implied George absolutely did leave them in John and Paul’s that morning.

“I don’t know why you never get things for me when you find them,” George muttered, though the words were less pointed now. He threw his suitcase closed.

“I’ve told you a hundred times, Harrison. You’re a big lad now, you’ve got to be responsible for your own things.” Ringo shot him a grin. “Think of me as your personal… guide. I’ll give you hints and whatnot along the way, but I won’t do it for you.”

“Charming.” George rolled his eyes. He pushed himself to his feet, not bothering to gather up all of the other strewn-about items of clothing. “Well, I’m off to go get them. I can’t get sleep without them.”

Ringo cocked an amused eyebrow as he began to hang his suit. “You’re an odd fella, you know that, George?”

“Bah.” George swatted away the comment and pulled the door open. “Be back in a minute.”

John and Paul’s room was down the hall from theirs, though it was really only a few steps. The hotel was small, the rooms far from luxurious. The hall was a dull mess of gray and beige, the carpet a crisscross pattern and the wallpaper about a thousand years old. He scoffed in distaste of the place. They were the fucking Beatles now, for God’s sakes. You’d think they could afford some better living. George kicked at a spider on the water-stained trim as he approached his mates’ room.

He had just raised his arm to knock when a strange sound caused him to pause his movements. Intrigued, George inched forward and pressed an ear close to the frame. What was the harm in getting a little listen?

There was… moaning. And cursing. George nearly rolled his eyes. It sounded like Paul—richer than John’s voice, and clearer, too. He also ran with the hardly faint memory that Paul was quite vocal in bed. He should almost know the lad’s sounds by now. Part of him wondered where John had gotten side-tracked off to, because he could have sworn the three of them went up in the elevator together.

He half-laughed to himself. This guy was too good. George hadn’t even the slightest clue where Paul could’ve picked a bird up on his way from the lobby to the room. Gonna be sick, my arse, he thought to himself.

As George waited outside of the door, he pondered his options. He could wait until Paul’s little rendezvous was over (which, judging by the sounds, was not far off). He could knock and give them a second to dress or hide the bird. And finally: eh, what the hell. He’d seen worse before. If the door was unlocked, he could just slip in.

Besides, George really wanted those socks.

Ultimately, he decided that sneaking in was his best bet. He’d slip past the door and slither unnoticed to the bathroom, and go—yes! He remembered now!—behind the toilet. Pick up the socks and leave as quickly as he came. In and out in a jiffy.

George reached for the doorknob and gave it a slight twist when an expression from inside stopped him cold.

“Fucking hell, Paul.”

Paul was in there; he knew good and well. The question was what was… the other voice doing there? The boys’ closeness had never warranted anything more than an “Oh, shit, sorry,” when walking in on one another and leaving as swiftly as possible. Was the other voice… watching? Just hanging around in there?

George’s pulse quickened, his grip beginning to slip from the door as he desperately fought the pounding confusion in his head. He had to have misheard. It couldn’t have been that voice. He was delusional, imagining things, that’s all.

The voice called out again, breathless, grainy: “Christ.”

It was unmistakably John.

George remained frozen in front of the door, unable to tear himself away. Faintly, he registered Paul moaning John’s name. John was in there. And so was Paul. He had heard them call out to each other… for each other…

“John, I can’t—” Another pause, and bedsprings creaked incriminatingly. “John, stop, I-I’m gonna come—”

Before a second thought could cross his mind, George threw the door open and stood gaping at the scene in front of him.

The first thing he noticed was the sheer look of terror on Paul’s face. This was almost comical, considering the obvious next thing to notice was that Paul was stark naked, a furious burn in his cheeks as he scrambled to cover his intimacies. Intimacies that John was—was all over.

John had been touching him like a bird should. George’s eyes raked over John’s form. The man didn’t look nearly as terrified as Paul. In fact, he looked almost… smug. His cheeks were flushed pink, his eyes bright and teetering on wild. He laid propped up on one elbow, making the hard-on in his trousers conspicuously evident. Despite throwing himself off of his mate as fast as possible, he looked completely at ease, glaring at George almost daringly as a shadow of a smirk twitched at the corner of his lips.

George took this opportunity to switch stares back to Paul, sickened by whatever fucking game John thought he was playing. The ends of Paul’s hair were curled with the sweat that beaded on his neck and forehead. His hands trembled where they tugged at the bedsheet, which could have done more to hide him. There was something pleading in his eyes, something desperate. If only George knew what it was for.

There was nothing he could think of to say. Rather than waste time standing and waiting for someone to speak up, George turned on his heel and swiftly shut the door behind him.

—

George leaned with palms pressed against the door, chest heaving from exertion and overwhelming bewilderment. The scene had played over and over in his mind since the fervent escape. It was his fault, he knew—that was the worst part.

He had only been going to look for a pair of socks. And they were rather nice socks. His favorite, even. That’s all he had wanted. Socks.

George had heard about these kinds of people before. Seen some of them, even, in Hamburg. He was fairly certain that Brian was one. The ones in Germany always tried to make a move on him and the others, but he never saw why; he didn’t fancy any of them were that attractive, anyroad. George suddenly recalled a conversation, not so long ago, when John had gone on a slight rant about The Homosexuals in Hamburg, and Paul had nodded along disapprovingly. It was Ringo, eventually, who edged them out of the discussion: “Eh, come on lads. It’s none of our business what they do, anyway.”

What the hell just happened?

“Whasamatter, Georgie?” Ringo stepped out of the bathroom, words coming out garbled as a toothbrush dangled from his lips. He tossed it in the trash and turned to spit in the sink. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“J-John and Paul,” George stuttered, his mind working frantically to piece together what had just happened. It seemed to be the only coherent sentence he could form. “I saw—it was John… and Paul. With Paul.”

“No kidding,” Ringo gave him an understanding nod and a slight chuckle. “Intense fellas, they are. They give me a downright scare sometimes, too. Writing a song, then?”

“Ringo, you’re not hearing me,” George tried, his voice unsteady. “I saw them. Doing—together. It was both of them, with each other.”

Ringo’s brow knitted in confusion. George’s ramblings only seemed to perplex him more, draw him farther away from the conclusion. “I… Congratulations?”

George rubbed his forehead shakily. He wasn’t so much frustrated as just helplessly exasperated. There were no connections in his mind that made the situation make sense. He stifled a groan.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, mate.”

“They were shagging,” George blurted. On instinct, a hand flew to cover his mouth as soon as the words left his lips. The phrase sounded so bizarre, so wrong, and was yet the only thing he felt accurately characterized what he just saw. “Almost.”

Ringo blinked. “Shagging who?”

George began to pace back and forth across the small room. “John. Or-or Paul. Each other. They were almost-shagging one another.”

Ringo stared, looking just as baffled as George felt. “What do you mean?”

George continued slowly. “I went to go get my socks. I was gonna knock, but I heard something, and I didn’t know what it was. So I listened for a moment, and I just thought that Paul was in there with a bird. Y’know.”

Ringo nodded, no more convinced.

“But I heard another voice, and they were saying Paul’s name, and then Paul said it back, and it was John. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You went in?” Ringo didn’t sound surprised, just curious.

“I wasn’t thinking. I couldn’t believe it. I s’pose I thought I had to see for myself. And-and then I did.” His voice broke a bit. “I don’t know what to do, Ringo. What the fuck?”

“Where are they now?”

“I don’t know. I just left.”

Ringo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “We can’t tell anyone.”

“We can’t.”

“We have to talk to them.”

“About what? D’you want me to go in there again and say, ‘John, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, what were ya doing in there, jerking Paul off? And Paul, ya bloody bastard, what were you doing enjoyin’ it?” George ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck. How are we supposed to talk about this? What about the band?”

“Hey.” Ringo’s voice was gentle as he took a step closer. “One thing at a time, mate. We’ll worry about the band when the band gives us something to worry about. Right now, we need to go promise them that we won’t tell a soul, and that we’re not judging them really, but that they need to be more careful, and—”

“Be more careful?” George was bewildered. “Ringo, they were in the privacy of their own room. How much more careful can you get?”

“Do you want to be the one to tell them to stop?” Ringo raised an eyebrow. “Because one, I don’t think we have the authority to do that. And two, if I know anything about John and Paul, it will only make them want to do it more.”

George pondered this for a second. “They’re going to kill me.”

“No, George, come on—”

“They are.” George began to panic. “I walked in on them. I never should have done it. I should have just left in the first place. I should’ve knocked before anything. Oh, Christ, Ringo. They’re gonna kill me!”

Ringo’s gaze was soft and sympathetic, but George could pick up on a hint of worry in the lines of his face. Not that he would blame him for it. It’d be one thing if George had walked in on Paul and the fantasy bird George had originally thought. It’d be one thing if George had walked in on Paul with a random guy, and it was decriminalized. It’d even be one thing if George had walked in on Paul with a random guy, period.

But none of that was the case.

“Look,” Ringo started, laying a hand on George’s shoulder to temporarily halt his pacing. “Let’s go back to the room. We’ll talk to them. I don’t know about what, yet, but they need to know that I know."

“Okay.” George sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

—

Paul was sitting up, staring off into the distance and frantically nibbling at his thumbnail. His expression was hard, the other hand drumming nervously on the bed beside him. He was almost dressed, but everything carried an air of distractedness: his fly was down, his shirt haphazardly buttoned, his tie draped across his shoulders. He barely acknowledged when George and Ringo entered, lazily casting his gaze in their direction.

“Paul,” George tried, attempting to take hold of the conversation early. Maybe, at least, if he was in control, it would be easier for both of them. No more surprises.

Paul blinked up at him, looking dazed. He didn’t speak.

“I’m not mad.” George spoke quickly: reparations for earlier. “I-I was just shocked. ‘M not angry at all. I didn’t know how to…” He cleared his throat. “Not make it… worse?”

“Hm,” Paul affirmed.

“Where’s John?” Ringo asked suddenly, tentatively, as if he were afraid to stir Paul.

“Fuck if I know,” Paul shot in response.

George and Ringo exchanged a look. This was certainly not the picture George had left only minutes earlier. The air itself was hostile, heaving with McCartney’s own breaths until the others swayed uneasily on their feet.

“We can talk about it,” George offered, despite every nerve screaming at him not to do so. It was the last thing in the world that he wanted to do, but he couldn’t conjure up any other consolation.

“What is there to talk about?” Paul’s voice was cold. He was refusing eye contact.

“Paul,” Ringo tried again, taking a step closer. “It’s all right. George and I, we don’t care if you guys…” He trailed off, looking at George pleadingly.

George filled in. “…Want to be together.” The end of his sentence unintentionally lilted up, posed as a question.

Paul had the audacity to look at them now as if they were mad. “What?”

George watched confusion wash over Ringo’s features, mirroring the perplexity he felt on his own face. He tore his gaze away and focused on Paul, who looked nothing short of furious. The two men stood awkwardly, neither making a move to speak, which George figured was a smart decision. Let McCartney talk his way out of this.

“What?” He said again. George shook his head.

Paul pushed himself to his feet, his eyes sparkling maliciously. “No, George, tell me. Just what do you think you’re implying?”

He began advancing towards them. Though part of him knew, deep down, that Paul would never actually get physical with him, George flinched back noticeably into Ringo, making the older lad stumble as well.

Something changed in Paul’s expression at the interaction. The fury melted into fear, and then, almost… despair. He reached out for George’s arm, then seemed to think better of the choice and pull his searching hand back.

“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked as he retreated. “I’m sorry.”

“Come now, Paul, it’s all right.” Ringo’s voice was unsteady, but his words were comforting and secure. He took a tentative step and placed his hand on their friend’s shoulder. “Just tell us what’s going on.”

“I don’t know, Ritchie,” He near-wailed. “That’s the problem. I don’t know what that was. What happened.” Paul raked a hand through his fringe. “I can’t tell you. And now John’s fucked off to God-knows-where, and he was already in a bad state. Oh, shit. This is bad.”

Again, George and Ringo exchanged a nervous glance. Paul could be moody, manic, bizarre. The lad could go seemingly weeks without expressing a single intimate thought or feeling. He could also have outbursts, usually at John, about the smallest of things. George had always believed it to be pent-up frustration and emotional suppression, but this? This was no typical McCartney venom. This seemed like something entirely different.

“I’m not queer,” Paul suddenly asserted, mostly to himself.

“I believe you,” Ringo lied through his teeth. When Paul’s gaze was cast downward again, Ringo gave George a helpless shrug. “But we can’t just sweep this under the rug if you want to move forward. We have to find John, too, and talk about it. A-and make sure it doesn’t get out, or that you’re caught again. Or—”

“I need a smoke,” Paul interrupted.

And with that, he pushed past the two and disappeared out of frame, leaving George and Ringo trembling in his wake.

[sepublic]

Here's a new one! So may I ask what your take would be if Kipo were to meet any of the 3 amphibia girls? I mean Kipo, Anne, and Sasha all got Fruncles. But this is mostly an excuse to talk more about Kipo! We need more discourse!

           Well dang, that’s something I never considered! Although it’s worth noting that Grime is a TOAD Uncle, not a Frog Uncle… And this distinction apparently means a lot to the people of Amphibia, given how they have an entire caste system revolving around this difference in species!

           Getting into Kipo herself, and how she’d react to Amphibia in general… She’d take to it naturally, obviously! She’s already met Talking Frogs… She already eats Cave Moss Lasagna and bugs and worms back home in the burrow! And as terrifyingly dangerous as Amphibia is, it’s probably not THAT different from the surface… Knowing Kipo, she might not even notice a difference if she were to be suddenly teleported from Earth to Amphibia! Her first assumption would likely be that she’s on another continent, or somewhere else in the United States, but that’s about it!

           And, this fact segways into Kipo meeting Anne… I think one of the important things to consider is that Kipo has no shame! She isn’t necessarily insecure… She had a VERY loving and supportive father, who encouraged Kipo’s interests in science and astronomy and so forth! Her friends Dahlia and Asher were good people, and really, it seems there was no reason or cause for any kind of ‘bullying’ that would lead Kipo to suppress who she is! Well, besides the whole thing about being Half-Mute, but that didn’t come up until VERY recently in Kipo’s life, and so far, the people she’s met have been supportive! Sans Wolf, but that barely lasted and she’s a child dealing with legitimate PTSD, so it’s understandable!

           I think Kipo would simultaneously be much more ‘wild’ for Anne as a friend, someone who’s a lot more upfront and wears her heart on her sleeve… But she’d also vouch for Anne’s confidence as a person! She might hear about how Anne was afraid of fully expressing herself back home, and… Kipo wouldn’t really get the anxiety because it seems culture in the Human Burrows has progressed past that sort of thing. She DOES live in the future, after all. But like Mulholland-Song taught her, you may as well live it on your sleeve who you are, and embrace that! Besides, Anne’s reasons for not ‘fitting in’ are definitely a lot tamer than Kipo’s… Not that Kipo would ever compare, of course!

           Kipo is a VERY supportive and encouraging person, she’s going to tell Anne to be who she is and not care! And as for Anne’s situation with Sasha, well… More on that later- But for now, Kipo and Anne would get along just fine! Kipo’s more openly-feral attitude would help Anne embrace the cultures and norms of Amphibia, more quickly than she already did back in Season 1… In general, they’d be enthusiastic sisters with one another! Kipo would be an AMAZING outlet for Anne’s growth, and the two of them would get into whacky hijinx… Sometimes Kipo reins in Anne, sometimes it’s the other way around!

           Then, we have Marcy! As I’ve already said before, Kipo is a nerd and proud and embracing of it… It’s going to be like Luz and Marcy! Kipo is going to be the PERFECT friend for Marcy, the two of them would stay up all night discussing science and whatnot! They’d be talking about their hyperfixations to one another, Marcy listening intently and fascinated by Kipo’s discussions of what Lio taught her, and Kipo is just so INTERESTED in Marcy’s talk of videogames and RPGs, she’s never gotten to play those sorts of things as a kid! And Marcy’s eyes twinkle and brighten up, as she invites Kipo…!

           It’s going to be amazing. They’re nerds and 100% neurodivergent. Marcy will have had past reservations about being a nerd, about being definitely autistic… And Kipo’s going to say, who cares?! Lio and the Burrow community were always supportive of that sort of thing, she’d get Marcy to proudly indulge in being neurodivergent, in being a nerd! Kipo would be fascinating to Mar-Mar and vice-versa, because they’re people who can ramble on about science for hours and understand each other, they’ve even got plenty to teach one another! Kipo’s going to be SO fascinated in Amphibia’s culture, how it differs from those of the Mod Frogs as a more expansive civilization with a proper past… Marcy will happily answer, and Mutes! OH Marcy is going to be having the time of her LIFE studying Mutes, freaking out over them, inevitably stimming and asking questions at a thousand miles per hour as Kipo happily answers each one and keeps up without blinking an eye!

           Kipo and Marcy are nerds, they’d indulge in one another’s passions and interests, and there’d be a certain special understanding between them, a unique one… At least, more unique than most relationships with other people already are! There’s going to be a connection… Kipo’s going to introduce Marcy to Lio, HE’s going to encourage and indulge in Marcy’s hyperfixations! Kipo’s going to spend all day working with Marcy on her Creatures and Caverns campaigns, playing videogames… Discussing the history behind the tech, the little ways the programming comes together! It’s going to be great.

           Like Anne, Kipo’s also going to be someone who helps Marcy keep her head and mind open… Kipo’s very much a more socially-oriented, people person. Marcy’s going to admit that she has difficulty talking with anyone else that isn’t Kipo, Sasha, or Anne… And Kipo’s going to say that’s okay, that it’s understandable if eye contact isn’t a thing for her! The way I see it, if Marcy doesn’t have a name for a lot of her autistic habits and stims, Kipo certainly does and she’s going to make Marcy EMBRACE that part of her identity, instead of feeling shame! She’ll tell Marcy Wu that it’s okay that she doesn’t readily, instantly make friends with everyone else, the way Kipo or Anne do…

           Kipo is more than ready to introduce Marcy to her other friends, and she’s going to give her pointers on how stand tall and be confident! And as for Marcy’s loneliness… Like I said, Kipo’s going to encourage Marcy to make other friends. I think Wolf, Benson, and everyone else will get along just FINE with Marcy… And speaking of which, I think Marcy is someone who would be incredibly fascinated in Kipo’s Half-Mute nature, and ALSO be supportive of it! If Kipo ever feels down and like a freak, Marcy tells her that she’s the coolest person in existence… And that’s without being Half-Mute, being partially Mega Jaguar just cinches the deal! She’s going to nerd out on Kipo’s Jaguar paws, help her figure out how to control herself…

           In general, Kipo will be a GREAT person for Marcy! She’s going to teach her to be more open about who she is, to unapologetically embrace that… Tell her it’s okay to not be the most readily-sociable person! These two will be utter nerds who get to nerd out with one another to the fullest extent, everyone else is going to groan when they start ranting at several miles-per-hour about the latest hyperfixation or science subject, and that won’t stop these two!

           As for Kipo and Sasha… Well. Kipo doesn’t have the MOST experience with these sorts of toxic, manipulative friends… The closest she has is her brother Scarlemagne, but he was a bit more up-front and wearing it on his sleeve about his intentions. He certainly wasn’t trying to trick Kipo, and throughout their interactions, there was this sense of Kipo having the emotional power over Hugo… And then of course, we find out she had the logistical power as well, thanks to Mulholland!

           Sasha is definitely much more of a confident person than Scarlemagne. A lot of the time, she doesn’t even consider or self-reflect if people will hang around her or not… While Scarlemagne is VERY fussy about if he can trust people and this manifests almost literally in his pheromones’ ability to control others and have them be completely honest; Sasha takes people for granted! She doesn’t realize she’s lost them until it’s too late… And unlike Scarlemagne, she won’t default to violence and bloodshed! At least, so far… Not to compare trauma, but Scarlemagne has definitely been through worse and has a lot more reason to be aggressive, amidst him having enabled this behavior through his attempted take-over of Las Vistas! Sasha is ALSO someone who is planning to conquer Amphibia alongside Grime…

           But the thing about her is that she HAS Grime- She can trust him, and vice-versa! They didn’t expect one another to be close friends and allies, but they’d die for one another without hesitation! Sasha’s ultimately a MUCH more confident person than Scarlemagne, and that can lead to her being less paranoid and self-reflecting because she isn’t constantly checking herself. Not to mention, while Scarlemagne is someone who is used to rely on brute force first, as someone who was always in a position of weakness beforehand…

           Sasha has ALWAYS been in a position of power and privilege. She’s never really had to worry about being on the lower-end of a power imbalance. As a result, she’s someone who’s very much used to using honey instead of vinegar, she’d rather avoid conflict and assume the best of others, that if somebody made a mistake- It was just that, a mistake!They didn’t REALLY mean to defy Sasha, they have her best interests at heart inherently! She’s much more willing to forgive and forget, but inevitably, she’ll also have a line that’s going to be crossed somewhere…

           Scarlemagne and Sasha are definitely fascinating characters. They’re not very easily open to others in the emotional sense… Sasha puts up the façade of this, but in the end, she doesn’t really connect much with her ‘cronies’ and ‘minions’. She has a VERY select friend-group of people she’s truly open with… But even THEN, there’s a certain distance between Sasha, and Anne and Marcy! And especially with Toadcatcher as of late, Sasha is someone who’s going to hide her feelings behind blunt, brute force… She’s someone who’s feeling her friends slipping away, and she’s probably going to become more like Scarlemagne, and default to obsessive control not just of others, but Amphibia itself, just to feel safe!

           …So when it comes to Kipo and Sasha interacting, this is definitely going to be an interesting one. Kipo’s going to recognize a lot of familiar story-beats, here and there… But she’s also going to see Sasha as someone who still has a lot more confidence and manipulation than her brother. Sasha is someone who could likely get to Kipo more easily than most, come across as way more trust-worthy… Without really meaning to or considering this with malice, Sasha is someone who could try to assert control over Kipo.

           But the thing about Kipo is- She’s a healthy person! She’s had postivie friendships before, she KNOWS what a healthy relationship is like… So while she may initially allow for some of Sasha’s ‘eccentricities’ at first, it’s going to become obvious to her that Sasha is toxic, and manipulative. Kipo is someone who will readily stand up to Sasha and defy her, call her out… And Sasha is going to VERY surprised. Depending at what point in her development that Sasha meets Kipo… I can see her taking a moment to self-reflect. Or, maybe she feels that precious threshold being crossed, and tries to lay down her authority…

           And alas, Kipo isn’t having it! Kipo’s going to be open, blunt, and honest in her own way, that this isn’t how friends should act, and that even IF Anne and Marcy are Sasha’s best friends and vice-versa, there’s still a lot of room to improve! And Sasha’s going to be shocked and taken aback, she’s going to brush off Kipo… And I think inevitably, she’s going to cut ties with Kipo and go off and do her own thing. There’s no need to make herself more uncomfortable by arguing with Kipo, Sasha prefers to avoid conflict! And Kipo, well…

           I think Kipo would let Sasha go, at first. But she’d also consider how Anne and Marcy are doing, and how THEY need help. Respecting boundaries is important and all… But sometimes, people need help. Sasha might see Kipo being kind to Anne and Marcy as a threat, and force her friends to choose between her and Kipo… There’s going to be a LOT of discourse. But in the end, Sasha is going to listen when she sees her friends turn to Kipo’s ‘side’… And if this is pre-Amphibia, ideally this is an environment where she can at least feel safe in reconsidering her actions, and opening up.

           Speaking of environments, I think Kipo would also take a while… But she’d get Sasha to appreciate and be more open-minded towards the Surface, as well as Amphibia! Sasha might be surprised by Kipo’s Half-Jaguar nature, but amidst everything else… She’s just going to take it in stride, as much as she already does. She dismisses the Frogs as ‘just slimy frogs’, yet Sasha clearly interacts with the Toads and treats them as actual people, with all of the little quirks and eccentricities that come with navigating social relationships! And her bond with Grime, well…

           …It’s obvious that Sasha KNOWS that non-humans are still people. She’ll most just bring it up whenever she’s trying to convince someone like Anne to get back to her side, to choose between her loyal, childhood friend, VS some strangers who are also gross and slimy frogs! But in the end, I doubt Sasha has any particular prejudice against non-humans. There IS a bit of an issue with seeing Amphibia as a place to ‘take over’ and ‘have fun’ in the beginning… But as of Toadcatcher, I think Sasha has somewhat matured in recognizing Amphibia fully as a functioning place and society, and not some adventure RPG to play around in like Marcy would. It’s a place with stakes and consequences.

           So, Sasha will be taken aback by Kipo’s half-jaguar nature, but ultimately, I think she’ll express more intrigue and interest than anything else. She’ll definitely ask a lot of questions, though be less concerned with the scientific know-how, and more how Kipo’s abilities could help the two of them… But Kipo is to strong-willed and confident, and knows better. She’s not going to fall for any of Sasha’s bad ideas.

           Really, Kipo is going to take ONE look at Sasha… And Anne and Marcy, as post-Toadcatcher, and she’s going to immediately tell that these girls are unhappy. That they have concerns, but also they clearly miss one another and want to be back together. Kipo is VERY much a problem-solver, as most scientists are by nature… So she’s going to ask a simple yet obvious question, of why can’tthey be friends again? There’s clearly a past to work with, a desire to get back together… So what, REALLY, is the problem?

           Kipo’s not going to take any of Sasha’s excuses. She’s going to get right to the heart of the problem, while Anne and Marcy admit more quickly that she has a point, and take her side in reaching out… And Sasha Waybright, she is NOT going to respond well, at least not initially! There’s a reason why she’s associated with Brawn while Jock Anne is Heart, and nerdy Marcy is Mind… Sasha is someone who’d rather punch her way through her emotions, close them off, and close her eyes as she shuts her ears and starts singing literally anything to drown out the noise. She’s going to drown herself in literally anything else before she gets to the heart of the problem…

           But in the end, this is Kipo we’re talking about here! Sasha did well against Yunnan with Grime’s help, but ultimately Kipo is someone who could very easily overwhelm her in a fight. She CAN turn into a Mega Jaguar after all, although this is an ability she has to wield with tact and precise care… Regardless, it’s basically going to be that meme of someone running down a hallway while a T-posing phantom chases after them, except it’s Kipo who’s after Sasha and she’s telling her to confront her fears and insecurities and actually open up for once! And Sasha’s going to be shutting her eyes and ears and insisting she can’t hear Kipo, not at all!

           Kipo isn’t dumb, but at the same time, she’s got a LOT of overwhelming positivity that’s inevitably going to get through Sasha’s barriers. The thing about Sasha is that I think she IS considering reconnecting with Anne and Marcy, but on her own terms… She’s going to inevitably cave in. Sasha isn’t Scarlemagne, who is much more insecure for a reason. Sasha will have Grime as someone she can fall back on, and with her past friendship with Anne and Marcy, and the idea that SHE hurt them, not the other way around (which again relates to what I said about Sasha being on the upper-end of the power imbalance), not to mention she never killed anyone…

           She’s going to begrudgingly accept Kipo’s advice, or at least humor ONE request to meet with Anne and Marcy and talk things out. It’s going to be hard and embarrassing, and Sasha will be digging her heels into the dirt the whole way through. But Kipo will be ELATED, she’s going to praise Sasha for taking this important, momentous step! Kipo is a girl with a lot of patience, if she can get to Scarlemagne’s heart and change him to some degree, even if he DOES mess up in the end… Keep in mind, Scarlemagne’s final scene had him more intrigued about Kipo’s willingness to sacrifice herself for her friends. She obviously changed him…

           Sasha isn’t as scared as Scarlemagne, that makes her a lot less dangerous and more reasonable. She’ll hesitate on saying sorry because she didn’t do anything wrong, but Kipo’s gonna give her a stink-eye. And when Kipo is DELIGHTED to see Sasha finally say sorry for once, she’s going to smother her in a hug… And then it’s a carrot-and-stick approach for Sasha, where the stick is Kipo being disapproving and unhappy, and the carrot is Kipo being happy, supportive, and offering friendship and love! Sasha is NOT immune to this girl.

          If anything, I can see Sasha developing a soft-spot for Kipo, like she does Grime… Especially since they’re both friends who don’t have to worry about a power imbalance between them, who won’t hesitate to call the other out, and help them reflect on their actions! Sasha will trust Kipo as someone who can rein her in, as someone who is on equal standing and can’t be as manipulated or hurt… I can only imagine how GRIME will react to all of this! But hey, Kipo got to Jamack. Jamack’s technically a Frog, but. I imagine a Jamack and Grime interaction would be interesting, especially with the background context of both knowing Kipo as a person- Especially if Kipo helped Sasha become happier!

           Otherwise, I can see Sasha trying to be closed-off whenever she’s caught up in Kipo’s antics. Trying to be too cool for school, but Anne, Marcy, and Kipo aren’t having it! And on another note, I feel like Kipo would try introducing Wolf to Sasha… Or at the very least, bring up her experience with Wolf; She knows how to deal with someone who is afraid of losing the people they have and going a bit too far to keep them, so Kipo will be able to navigate Sasha’s issues this way. Perhaps Wolf and Sasha could form a friendship, but maybe not; Sasha is a bit prissy compared to Wolf’s more blunt attitude and lifestyle. But then again, Sasha is also learning to be quite the brawler herself…

           Either way, Wolf is someone who Sasha will REALLY have to learn to be emotionally-open around, if she ever wants to be Wolf’s friend! It’ll be intriguing, to say the least. Maybe the two could connect on hiding from their emotions through being tough and ruthless, while also having that shared soft-spot for Kipo! Maybe they never QUITE get along, but Wolf and Sasha at least bond over a mutually-shared goal of making Kipo happy, and they’re fine with maintaining their relationship on this sort of professional ground.

           It’s definitely going to be a LOT of fun… Not to mention, Marcy whole-heartedly going along with Kipo, following in her footsteps, thinking of her as the coolest person to exist! Anne is having a bit more trouble keeping up, but her and Kipo bond over being much more sociable people, and quickly form a lot of in-jokes between them! Kipo and Marcy will get into hijinks and shenanigans, especially with Marcy working to catalogue and record data on Kipo herself and her Mega-Jaguar capabilities… Anne is going to freak out and go Mom-mode, telling them not to get into trouble; And Sasha will stand to the side, too-cool-for-school as she mutters something about those girls getting themselves killed, but really, she’s enjoying it too!

[krizaland]

I don’t know if your doing requests right now but I really like your stories and I was wondering if you could do an Autistic!Reader x Zim story. I headconon that defective Irkens are similar to neurodivergent humans and I think it would be interesting to see Zim compare how the reader is treated and how he is treated and to start questioning the Empire.

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS REQUEST SO MUCH HOLY SHIT!!

I’ve always headcanoned Zim as autistic so I fucking love your headcanon! 

I’m Autistic myself so I have a super sweet chapter story in mind for this one!

I’ll admit, I got a little too self indulgent on this one but that’s because I wrote it from the bottom of my heart.

Be warned: This fic is loosely based on my middle school days so this fic deals with Ableism and includes the R slur!  

With all that out of the way, enjoy the fic!

From the day you were old enough to think, you never felt like you belonged. Everyone always seemed either one step ahead of you or one step behind you.

Everyday your parents would smother you with their high expectations and they would always look down upon you when you couldn’t meet them.

One minute you were praised for your intelligence the next minute you were mocked for not liking the feeling of jeans constricting your waist.

You always saw the world differently than everyone else. Most people assumed you couldn’t do anything right when in reality you simply had your own way of doing tasks.

People always assumed you were an idiotic child. Nobody ever bothered to get to know the real you.

Eventually you begun to believe that there really was something wrong with you. You begun to give up on trying and just wished you could end it all.

The only thing keeping you alive was your ever-growing collection of various toys and stuffed animals.

In truth, your toys felt like your only friends. They never judged nor mocked you. They listened to what you had to say and were always there to offer you a hug when you needed one.

Things only got worse as you got older.

You were forced into social skills classes where they tried to force you to be ‘normal. They forced you to wear unflattering and uncomfortable clothes. They told you to stop talking about your ‘childish’ interests. They even tried to take your toys from you.

But none of those classes worked.

The kids in skool still laughed and mocked you. In fact it seemed the bullying only got worse the harder you tried to fit in.

You tried to eat the revolting cafeteria food but nearly had a meltdown from how awful it tasted.

You tried to ask questions in class but your questions were always called stupid.

You tried to talk about what your peers were into but they wanted nothing to do with you.

However, there was one kid who seemed to understand you.

And his name was Zim.

Zim seemed just as lost and confused as you were.

He often asked ‘stupid’ questions in class and would run off screaming at the mere sight of beans.

He would even sometimes come to skool covered in meat or wearing some kind of ridiculous outfit.

Zim came off as pretty apprehensive at first. Much like you, it seemed as if he didn’t want anyone to bother him.

At first, you assumed he was bullied for his green skin. After all, that Dib kid kept calling him an alien and whatnot.

You always left Zim alone but you did stick up for him whenever Dib was being a jerk.

You would often sit by yourself and try to enjoy some peace and quite before a bully would saunter your way.

However, one fateful day, something wonderful happened.

You sat down at you usual lunch spot and pulled out the lunch you brought from home.

You were about to take a bite when

“Hey! Where did you get that sandwich from?!”

The sound of Zim’s voice made you almost drop your sandwich.

“Oh! Um, I brought it from home?” You stuttered as you caught your sandwich.

“Eh?! You can bring in food from…home?” Zim asked as he inspected your sandwich.

“Of course you can! If you don’t like the cafeteria food then you can always bring something from home! I think…” You explained as you took a bite of your sandwich.

“Huh, so there are no repercussions for bringing outside food and beverages?” Zim’s eyes lit up a bit.

“Nope. None that I know of.”

“Fascinating…” Zim let out a small chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” You grimaced as you put down your sandwich.

“Oh it’s nothing. Nothing at all.. Hey, wait a minute…You’re that Y/N-beast who always defends me from Dib aren’t you?”

“Well I-”

“Aren’t you?!”

“Well I-”

“Aren’t you?!”

“Well I-”

“AREN’T YOU?!”

“YES! I AM Y/N!” You snapped.

“Geez! You don’t have to shout.” Zim huffed.

“Sorry, I get annoyed easily.” You sighed as you resumed easily.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Humans can be so irritating.” Zim agreed as he sat down next to you.

“I know right? Like I don’t understand why people are always so mad at me! It’s not my fault that I’m not perfect!” You ranted as you kept eating.

“Right?! Humans have such a complicated social structure! It’s almost impossible to keep with with all of these…’trends’.” Zim agreed as he watched you eat.

You and Zim spent the rest of lunch exchanging stories and even cracking jokes about how weird humans were.

From that day forth, you and Zim formed a friendship of sorts.  

You and Zim would always sit together at lunch and recess.

You never seemed to run out of things to talk about!  The only thing that ruined your fun was Dib barging in and screaming about Zim being an alien.

Of course, you would always defend Zim. Hell, at one point you nearly tackled Dib to the ground to stop him from throwing a burrito at Zim’s head.

It wasn’t long before Dib became convinced that you were an alien too.

“Lack of social skills, often staring off in the distance, and now they’re talking with Zim?! Y/N is totally an alien, Gaz! I bet they’re another Irken monster in disguise!” Dib ranted as he watched you and Zim chat.

“Be quiet, Dib.” Gaz grunted as she continued to tap away at her GameSlave.

“I’ve got to do something! I can’t let these two aliens get away with..whatever it is they’re trying to do!” Dib growled as he slammed his fist onto the table.

The next day, you discovered that Zim was absent! You felt you heart sink a bit but continued on with your day nonetheless.

When lunch rolled around, you sat in your usual spot and picked at your food.

“Where’s your little friend today, Y/N?”

The sound of Dib’s smug voice didn’t faze you in the slightest.

“What do you want, Dib?” You grumbled as you kept picking at your food.

“I want you and Zim to stop trying to destroy the Earth! That’s what!” Dib snapped a finger in your face.

“What are you talking about? I don’t want to destroy the Earth.” You grunted as you backed away from Dib’s finger.

“You don’t fool me! I know what you are! You’re an Irken Invader! Just like Zim! You might have a better disguise but I see right through you! You’re nothing more than a space monster! And I’m gonna put a stop to your evil schemes!” Dib rambled as he slammed his hands onto the table.

You let out a yelp at the sudden smack and cradled your lunch.

“Oh don’t try to act all innocent, space scum!” Dib snarled.

“I’m not acting! And I’m not an alien either!” You countered as you started to pack up your lunch.

“Do you think I’m stupid?! It’s sooo obvious you’re an alien! You have no social skills, you’re always making these weird little…humming noises when you talk, you even have an adverse reaction to cafeteria food!” Dib explained as he adjusted his glasses.

“None of that stuff makes me an alien, Dib!” You huffed as you got ready to move to a different spot.

You were about to leave when Dib grabbed your wrist.

“You’re not going anywhere! Except on the front page of crop circles magazine!”

You let out a scream at the sudden contact. Your breathing grew heavy as you could feel every germ from Dib’s grimy hand slither onto your wrist.

“LET GO OF ME! LET GO OF ME!!” You screeched as you tried to break out of Dib’s iron grip.

“Not on your life, space monster!” Dib cackled as he tried to pull you down.

“Look, Dib’s trying to fight the retarded kid!” A random student cried out.

It wasn’t long before the cafeteria erupted into thunderous laughs and jeers. Some kids even pulled out their phones to record the carnage.

You let out a blood curdling shriek and managed to shove Dib off of you.

Before he could react, you ran off into the hallway with tears pouring down your cheeks.

You zipped into the restroom and locked yourself in a large stall.

“Why couldn’t Zim be here?! He wouldn’t let this happen!” You wailed as you slid down to the floor.

Little did you know, that Zim had watched the entire fiasco from the comfort of his lab and he was practically boiling with rage.

Zim was trying to work on his latest experiment but he wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing.

He didn’t expect to see you being abused and mocked in the lunchroom!

And that word “Retarded”… it made Zim’s squeedilyspooch churn.

“Computer, what does…retarded..mean.” Zim almost vomited as the word fell from his mouth.

“Retarded. Short for mental retardation, often used as a slur against those with intellectual disabilities.”

Zim felt his eye twitch at the definition.

“I knew it..” Zim’s words dripped with venom as his breathing grew heavy.

That awful, horrible word! Zim could already feel a negative memory resurface.

While he was never called retarded, he was called a defective.

His mind traveled back to his training days at The Academy.

“Hey look! Stink is trying to fight the Defective!” Skutch called out.

Sure enough, Zim and Stink were already in an all out brawl.

Zim tried to fight back, only to have Stink quickly overpower him.

By that point, a crowd had formed and they were already howling with laughter.

“Wow! He’s so defective he couldn’t even fight Stink!” Skutch mocked.

Skutch’s comment earned him another round of mocking laughter.

Zim was left a battered mess on the floor, barely unable to open his eyes.

“MASTER!”

The sound of his computer snapped Zim back to the present.

“Master! There was an error in the experiment chamber!”

“Scrap that experiment! I have a new plan in store….” Zim’s voice was a low growl as he typed away at his keyboard.

Next

[astrogone]

                                             ANXIOUS MUNDAY MEME

@seekesotsibteadmist: What is something you want people to know right away about yourself?

PLEASE REMEMBER I AM EXTREMELY SLOW AT EVERYTHING!!!! I swear, there is a no apologizing for quick or late replies oocly and icly policy in this household because if you message me with an apology over that, you may get my response after a few days, if not a week, and I get so embarrassed like shdjsjd please, don’t be sorry at all. I get every reason behind any pace of the responses, so do not ever feel bad or anything replying to me too late or too quickly. Hell, you can take a whole damn MONTH to reply to me oocly or icly and I’ll still act like I would only be waiting for a day and be like “Ah! My friend! I love you”... But yeah, while I am easily distracted and exhausted to do this stuff, I usually have to reply back to ten to fifteen people oocly, and I will always have many people to reach out to when we haven’t interacted yet ( which if you haven’t interact to me yet, please, this is invitation that you can slap yourself in my IMs Now ), and my social energy / motivation to interact with people? It’s erratic as Hell. Also, I usually take way too much time replying to a post / message when it shouldn’t be the case. Like? For me to reply to a one paragraph in the thread will take me at least an hour to two. If you straight just say hi to me and ask how am I doing, it’ll take me at least five minutes to ten to just answer your very simple question.

I have an intellectual disability that gives me difficulties reading the given information, understanding them, and responding to them at a pace the average amount of people can do, but I can’t. The longest time you can get from me oocly is usually six days. Icly though? Boy, am I a lost cause with that. It can be anytime as I can reply to our thread for a month later, if not longer, I will have to let that be known, lmfao... But you’re more than welcome to give me a nudge for anything anytime. It may not get a quicker response from me anyway, knowing me, but just know that my silence towards you while I’m being noisy on dash or to others or such has nothing to do with you, ever. At least with oocly, I try to prioritize replying to people who I haven’t replied to the longest over those that I have done so recently, but I’m an absolute slow and low mess at everything, so! As that’s something I can never change, unfortunately, I can only wish that everyone interacting with me would be grateful for what we have already.

@sinisteraugurey: How much anxious internal screaming goes on with you on a regular basis?

It’s a 24/7 thing, man. I would just try to distract myself with whatever is in my way to block them, but, yeah, it just really be like that with me. Last night while I was trying to sleep, I kept staring at my window in concern because it had these shadows constantly moving behind the curtains, and there’s that small part of me that KNEW it’s just the tree branches that got caught in the lights of the streetlights, but, my mind kept telling me “they’re coming” and I was just constantly like,, “who tho,,, omg,,,,” but,, think about it,,,, I live in the sixth floor of a building, so how the Hell could the shadows reach up there?¿...

@vsentis & @arsonbeast​: What’s a tip you would give to people trying to get to know you?

Ask me questions from something simple like what’s my favourite colour to something over the top like how often do I get existential crisis lmfao even if it’s completely out of the blue or we don't know each other well yet, I wouldn’t ever mind answering them at all. As well if / whenever you are comfortable, talk about yourself as it will usually prompt me to do the same in return. I often don’t throw facts about myself to others because I think it would have others feel like they would be suddenly placed in a position of having to bring up information about themselves to me and I know not many people are comfortable to talk about themselves and / or their lives when they’re on this Hellsite to write and develop, which is totally understandable and I’m more than okay to be interacted with for just writing / plotting.

On a different note, I am planning to create a Carrd about my interests ( like what shows, music artists, etcetera I’m familiar with ) and slap it on my pinned post so it can give others a chance to get to know me more and bring them up to me to break down any tension from their end, so you can randomly pop into my DMs like “biTCH yOU WATCH B.UZZEED U.NSOLVED!?¡¿” and I’d be like “FUCK YE A H, I DO” and create chaos from there sndnsmd

@vsentis​: Is communication important to you?

Beyond important. I personally think communication is THE most important aspect in not just roleplaying, but in general. It’s what builds a strong relationship with the parties. The more they will interact with each other with a lot of patience and understanding, the higher chance that trust and comfort can be built stronger and tighter within a connection. Now, what do I have to say with me? I love talking to people, even when I’m a slow motherfucker at it and I get extremely frustrated and sad at the fact. I love when people talk to me and I can read about their days, personal projects, characters, so forth. I want people to feel that they can trust me and be comfortable coming to me for anything from a random chat to ranting / venting. Man, just straight up slap my DMs with a random photo of a forest and I’ll just not shut up about the time I nearly got lost in the forest.

Now, it does take time for me to reach out to people first, at least usually not because of IC related like plotting calls. For me to come to you randomly and talk about anything not roleplaying related? Again, I can’t be sure if people are comfortable with talking about themselves and their lives, but the more they come to me first for random ooc conversations, the more comfortable I will be to reach out to them first for so frequently. Another thing I do want to mention that if I do or say anything wrong or it’s making you uncomfortable, please? Reach out to me? I mean, I get that people aren’t obliged to teach others and whatnot, so do what you gotta do it the block and follow buttons to avoid wasting more energy and time, but it would truly help a lot with me and anyone else who I am / will interact with in the future. Just be honest with me and share your thoughts to me— I will listen and take them in mind. I absolutely hate to make people uncomfortable without knowing and I would be extremely appreciative if I was told why so I can be more considerate in the future.

@goldenornstein: Do random asks out of the blue upset you at all?

Not at all! In fact, I encourage sending me random asks! It might take a bit for me to reply like anything else, but I LOVE random asks! Makes me go “!!!” whenever I see a number on that mail symbol thingy. So, send me random memes, random thoughts, straight up just slap the word, P.ikachu, in the ask and send it to me and I’ll be like, “me fucking too, pal” jsjdkdk

@seekesotsibteadmist: What are some things you worry about in terms of new people?

I know I apologize for rambling or taking a long time to reply, but in the end, people being impatient or easily annoyed by me or whatever are my least worries. What I should be more concerned about but am somehow not is if this person actually holds good intentions with a good mindset. Even though I had my generosity taken advantage of way too many times by way too many people who I thought were really good friends in real life and online, I still? Somehow don’t ever think about the possibility that this person is actually very shitty when I interact with them as much as I should, considering how absolutely chaotic this site is. Being cautious is highly draining for me personally as I literally just want to vibe, so…

Just know that I take anyone in who my mutuals haven’t mentioned on their rules page ( yet if I do happen to interact with your abusers or people you’re not uncomfortable with because they’re doing / saying predatory / harmful things? Lemme know and I’ll instantly get out of their hair— you don't even need to give me an explanation, just don’t hesitate to say their URL and I’ll do my shit ), but I will instantly kick them off of my household the moment I see or learn anything from them that is predatory or harmful to people. If you do / say something that I don’t like, like misgender my muses or keep godmodding my muses or whatever, I’ll let you know how I feel, but if you’re gonna be stalking people, being disrespectful / abusive to anyone based on their genders, sexualities, ethnicities, disabilities, etcetera, write / make headcanons based those disgusting things we all know what, and so forth? I will hardblock and never look back, and that’s that.

[the-evisceration-station]

Can't believe your getting hatemail for writing dark fics, as if DM isn't already a dark story. Addy and Beth are not girlfriends made of sugar and spice and everything nice, and they don't spend their time having cuddle wuddles and feeding each other cupcakes. Colette, love her or hate her, is a huge part of the story so ofc she's going to be in fic. Anyway, I love your writing. You keep doing you, ignore the haters.

Oh jeez, I hope my post didn’t make you guys think I’m getting a ton of hate. It’s not a lot, really. Most of the messages I get are prompts, or questions about the book, or nice messages like the last sweet nonny sent. 

I can count on one hand the insulting messages I got. It was just that I didn’t feel like responding to them individually, so I posted the one sarcastic gif instead. And it honestly doesn’t bother me! Like, I’m in my early 20s and I been in fandom spaces since my preteen years. I am familiar with fandom hate. I don’t get offended, maybe just a little annoyed. 

I actually think it’s totally cool if you want to read about Addy and Beth being sugary, nice girlfriends and eating cupcakes! I actually see the appeal in it because Dare Me is dark and some folks want light content to decompress and lift their spirits, and whatnot. But if that’s the content you’re looking for and instead you click on the fic that has explicit tags and warnings that say it contains the exact opposite, and then you want to complain about it?? LMAO, that’s when you’re just looking for reasons to be pissed. It’s literally as simple as scrolling past or hitting the back button. 

As for Colette, like yeah, you’re right, she is a huge part of the story so it does naturally lead one to conclude she’ll probably pop up in a fair amount of fic. Maybe more so in mine, because as I’ve admitted before, I kinda relate to Addy having a Colette type in her life and maybe I’m even projecting a bit. 

I am very much one of those people who believes your fandom experience is whatever you make it. I don’t like discourse, so I avoid it. I don’t want that to be part of my experience. I do like shit posts, so I seek them out. I want that to be part of my experience. I also like exploring dark content, so I clickity-clack away to explore it. 

I think of fandom as a whole, and fanfic included, as a playground or a sandbox. I did not invent those comparisons, but I’ve seem them before and I think there’s a lot of value in them. Cause you play on the equipment you want to play on, and you bring the toys you want into the sandbox. 

Do you interpret Addy as a heterosexual who’s so fascinated by Colette because she’s secretly pining for Will and wants him for herself? 

I don’t, but you’re totes within your right to go write it. I’m not interested in that, I’d never click it. I especially would never read it and then barge into your inbox telling you you’re a horrible person because you wrote it. 

Do you think cheerleading is boring? Would you rather the story revolve around softball instead? Go forth and make that softball AU! Then they’d be Batty Baddy, am I right? Ba dum tss. 

You know what might be neat? If Addy and Beth reunite when they’re in their 70s, and space stations are now offering civilians trips to the moon. So Baddy goes to space and get married as old women in the middle of a fucking moon crater. 

Sounds wild? Fanfic can be wild cause it’s literally whatever you make it. Your fandom experience can be whatever you make it too. 

I think I’m gonna go ahead and write a Stella/Beth crossover fic, because the idea’s in my brain now and it sounds neat. I’m the only one who wants that, I’m the only one who’s gonna read that, but I don’t care, because it sounds fun!

I’m here to have fun! Not to fight with other people over different interpretations of a TV show. Not to please the anons who call me names because I explore dark things. 

Sorry that this turned into some rambling rant that lost its direction a little bit, but I appreciate your support. I am not receiving a lot of hate and the little bit I am receiving is kinda annoying, sure, but it’s not new. Fandom just be like that sometimes. I’m grateful that you went out of your way to send me support, but I want you and the other nice nonnys who send good vibes to know hate mail doesn’t really bother me. 

I hope you guys go out and cleave whatever it is you want from your fandom experience, explore what you want to, avoid what you don’t, and at the end of the day, enjoy yourselves. Because that should be what’s most important. 

[melforbes]

what's been your favorite part of writing seaglass blue? is there a part in particular that you couldn't wait to write? is there one you were avoiding?

to be honest i am 100% flying by the seat of my pants with this which right now is out of character so i haven’t exactly gotten to the dreaded parts yet lmao

i have an ending in mind (and a final line) that i really like but that i have a gut feeling no one else will like but i’m not compromising with it and i’m a little nervous to post that eventually. i’m not nervous about writing it but i don’t think it will necessarily come across well. Like it feels a little end of the sopranos but also it’s not like that at all but it’s the same existential vibe if that makes sense. which it doesn’t at all. but still

i actively avoid dialogue because it’s not my strong suit. i also can’t get the Mulder Voice right (deadpan snark etc) and then throwing in Big Feelings i’m just so out of my element

so far i shockingly haven’t dreaded writing any part of it. i did end up blocked with this last chapter because i hadn’t entirely decided what to do with the plot and the plot i’d thought through and didn’t actually use (and lmao have since forgotten!) just was not working at all so i didn’t write and instead did the whole running in circles thinking it through thing that isn’t writing (i recommend reading atomic habits by james clear ahaha! that running in circles motion gets a massive drag in there) that ultimately was never fruitful AND EITHER WAY i started a new drug for the other side of my life and it gave me wicked insomnia and at two am everything righted itself so i finally figured out where i was going. But that being said i never really dreaded it even though i oftentimes dread a scene or two in most chapters i write and i think the lack of dread comes from how it’s all set up in a very cozy way and it’s hard to dread something like that

i couldn’t wait to write the wedding which is why i dive into it so quickly. And i really wanted to interject parts of their “wedding night” or afternoon or whatever because those were my favorite moments to visualize. there’s another part down the line that i can’t wait to write but i also can’t spoil that haha. i think like...the most anticipated stuff i have coming up for the next chapter (or maybe the one after that depending on how the wordcount shakes out) is a specific conversation about specific things that happens in the dark. and uh i will not elaborate beyond that aldskjasldkjfdalsgj

my favorite part of writing it. this answer is so disjointed i’m sorry. i’ll put the rest of this under a cut because i’m rambling ahaha

my favorite part of writing it has been like...i think this is a multitude of things which is why i wrote msr again after a long unintentional break from it. idk if i ever really mentioned this (or at least if i mentioned it recently) but i started writing msr here in mid 2016 to rekindle my passion for writing while i was very very ill long term, and that culminated in the “everyday msr” archive i have on my ao3, which thus was a log of self-comfort in hard times as well as (unintentionally) documentation of how i neurologically healed during that treatment. so, bizarre. i was in a hard place back then and writing helped me keep my head screwed on straight, and luckily with msr you can write the shittiest things and someone will still be genuinely happy to read it and will look past any lack of talent or training or experience or anything and instead see you, someone having an idea and offering it to others, sharing something for the sake of feeling something good together. that (combined with my own personal gratification of having done something) really helped me emotionally during that time. like when you can’t be of service to anyone in the world, barely even to yourself, it’s really reassuring to hear “i was having a hard day today and this small thing you did eased me” and know that they didn’t need quality or exceptional talent; they just needed you to show up. i’m getting off topic but all of this is a roundabout way to say that i’m essentially back in that same place right now and have been for the past little over a year and like. It’s bullshit ahaha. like it’s absolute bullshit. But it’s strangely valuable to have this like...same connection as i had last time, just in a bit of a different way. it’s still msr, it’s still a kind of Happy Place for me, but there’s an overarching plot, i have other stuff that i write too, etc. but still, i appreciate being able to go back to an original comfort and form that comfort in the same way. the “everyday msr” stuff was intended to be just extended written-out headcanons about domestic msr post iwtb or post revival #1 that i could write in one sitting, and this isn’t entirely different from that; it’s just that the domesticity has a twist and a different era. but it’s the same stuff as before - pictures of misty places, gentle music, living based on the season, being a homebody, cooking for your lover, natural beauty. it’s nice to return to that place right now

another favorite part of writing this is that maine was an important part of my childhood. my family spent a week of vacation there each year (outside of bar harbor, not on mdi but right outside of it) and i kind of associate that purity with it. it feels like one of the only elements of childhood that i haven’t found adulthood corrupting. like we learn that disneyland is just a capitalist hellhole and whatnot when we’re older but maine hasn’t been ruined for me yet and i treasure that. And having them there feels special as a result. i very much on purpose didn’t label a town they’re in (or even base where they are on a real one lol all of that is glossed over enough anyway that i’m not worried about it) but it felt important and right for them to be in maine. it feels special to tap into the very brief time that i shared with the show while i was still a part of its cultural landscape. that sentence makes no sense. in other words i was born in 1997 ahaha. but either way like...i get to people this place that is already special to me and give them love and safety within it and that feels good in a way that i’m struggling to describe. And also i could go on some stupid rant about how Cell Phones Hurt Our Social Circles or whatever but i do genuinely miss rental houses that got 10 blurry channels on rabbit-eared tin foil televisions in a day and age when you normally got way more than that, all while you’re in an era in which boredom is still normal enough that all of that means “well, no tv for this week i guess!” and then you play a board game instead. it feels good to voluntarily create a place like that, then ask in my own life, why don’t i just live like this? And then to struggle through plotting something because there’s no digital numbing with television and smartphones and whatnot, and to understand my own hesitation, and to explore that a little more whether or not it’s in writing

another favorite part (yes i will in fact keep going!) is that the writing style is a little bit atypical from my current norm which allows me certain freedoms that i haven’t really opted for in a while. on the off chance that anyone has read any of my other recent stuff (though this is...a very small chance ahaha) it’s clear that these chapters are much shorter and less prose-heavy than my other stuff is, and that’s really helpful in that editing it is much simpler and writing it happens much quicker. if life were predictable and i had better self-discipline (and better health! can’t discount that one haha) then i could easily get a chapter out every weeks, in comparison to other stuff that i updated once every three months. i’m trying to keep each chapter to being about 3k in length (which they seem to naturally tend toward anyways, i didn’t create that metric so much as just went along with it) and there aren’t frequent “flashback sequences” (there are callbacks and past things brought up, but they’re not significant portions of chapters that go back and forth in timelines and make a nonlinear plot, the linear plot dominates and each scene is more or less in chronological order even if there are callbacks) so i’m not too worried about pacing or structure or anything like that. i never set out to make it “simple” i think it reads better this way and i appreciate that a lot because i can take a break from other stuff that’s a bit more jagged and just do this instead. it’s also nice to write something that i feel is more on the readable side than other things. i think my biggest inspirations for this (which i realized accidentally with the “he wants to brush her hair” line ahaha) were our souls at night and the sunlit night, both of which have a kind of dainty prose style and are a little low on long descriptions but can say a lot with one simple sentence. recently i’ve focused a lot more about darker subject matter and uglier parts of humanity so it’s nice to be able to focus on something that i feel like matters and has a more readable quality to it without actually sacrificing anything in the process or trying to dumb something down

so i think that’s it! that’s my thoughts! this is too long and far too personal! haha!

[gotgifsandmusings]

Unnecessarily Dramatic (maybe? Is it?) SM Update

Oh hi. I have no idea how to start this, lol.

So...it’s not exactly subtle that I’ve had a downturn in content and posts lately. And this was something that I was really debating whether to even explicitly talk about, because a lot of times posts or videos about dialing back from social media always feel very dramatic to me? Or self-serving in some way. Like, “Oh yes, I must be that important to necessitate this.”

But idk, the more I thought about it, I really really do appreciate anyone who’s read/commented on my writing, or followed me, or sent me thoughtful asks, and whatnot. I think it’s cool that we’ve been able to engage with each other over media, and that platform has allowed us to really delve into a ton of issues. Remember when I wrote a sourced series of essays on tropes in GoT Season 5 through the framework of ambivalent sexism just ‘cause?

And even though sometimes that engagement is me you know, being snotty to a rude anon, for the most part my writing analysis online, then fanfic, then podcasting, then building up a website and a community for thoughtful analysis, and even a youtube video here and there has been something really meaningful and rewarding to me. The fact that it’s maybe touched others? At least enough to the point where I’m getting anons saying, “hope you’re okay”? That’s very humbling.

So yeah, I do feel like I want to loop you in on what’s been going on, which I will do below the cut. (Apologies those on mobile.)

I’m starting to feel like a dishonest cars salesman here. “Oh yeah, I’ll totally write about that! I’m definitely going to have this piece then!” Even just the number of answered asks, most of which are incredibly good and insightful, you know, pains me that I can’t get to them. Hell, my drafts folder has about 40 partially answered asks. One is even about Sondheim! Why can’t I finish it??

Here’s the deal. For the past...6 months (maybe? A year?), I’ve kept saying, “when life calms down.” Or “Life has been a bear lately”...whatever that means. And I’m only now at a point where I’m realizing, my life isn’t going to calm down. In fact, my life—that being my primary career, my situation where I am, and my relationships to friends and family—sort of needs to be a priority for me.

Full confession: the reason I’ve been so prolific up until this point was due to the fact that my previous “day jobs” as I called them, while in line with what I studied and cared about, were something I could do in about 15 hours a week, if that. There was a finite amount of work, I was decent at it, and I really didn’t have an ambitious drive at these jobs because they really weren’t as focused or meaningful as I would have liked and the environments were not conducive to my personal professional growth.

So what did I do? I mailed it in. I found more personal fulfillment with what I was writing about online. It began with the Legend of Korra finale, which had excited me so much that I actually wrote my first rambling thoughts about it during work hours. At the time, it was on a Friday going into the “Christmas Break” where I’d be working from home, so it seemed okay to push work off. But I got a taste for that, got in a pattern of doing the bare minimum, and then focused my efforts on the stuff I actually wanted to be doing—chatting about media.  

And part of that was also due to the fact that I was in a major social rut. I was pretty isolated since I tend to have a smaller group of close friends rather than a large bunch of friends, and our career paths just kind of scattered us. I’d maybe get together with people once a month? I also loathed the dating game. I was, for the most part, working at a small startup with two middle-aged ladies and no options there, which left me with tinder and cupid. I laugh because I’ve gotten asks like, “wow you must have been a busy bisexual bee.” Yeah...3 or 5 months would pass and I’d realize I hadn’t gotten laid, so I’d worry that was a sign I was depressed, and I’d go on some random cupid date to have tangible evidence that that wasn’t the case.

My point being, writing about media and engaging with tons of people online was really appealing, and became an outlet for me in a way I never could have anticipated.

But that entire situation changed. For one, I began dating my now-fiance (as much as I hate that word) over a year ago. It was long-distance, so not a huge change at first. Then my sister moved home and in with me last fall, and my family commitments dialed up (3 cats and a baby!). Which was fantastic, it really was. But I think you probably noticed I produced less and less as this went on.

And then, finally, I moved my ass halfway across the country because long-distance wasn’t making any sense anymore. I wasn’t willing to move without a job lined up, so job hunting began to focus me again on my professional career. While I love writing and analyzing, I’ve never seriously considered this as a career path for myself. Which is no knock on anyone who does—it’s just pursuing that life formally is not for me. I have an engineering degree and a Masters in environmental policy, and the latter is truly what I’ve always wanted as my focus. I was finally able to hone in on a job that made sense for me with my background, not just a job that was around when I needed one.

I found it, I moved mid-April, and I absolutely love what I’m doing. The job, the workplace, everything has so exceeded my expectations in every way, and for once I have like, career aspirations where I am. This doesn’t mean I’m any less passionate about analyzing media, but it does mean that professionally, I won’t mail it in anymore to make time for that. My job has to be my focus, and in fact I’m likely going to be working 50 hour weeks to do accomplish what I want here. And don’t worry—there’s amazing work from home policies and PTO, so it’s not a “work you to your grave” kind of deal. I legitimately want to be doing this, because I care about what I’m doing and feel like it matters.

What does that mean though? Well, it means I have to take a step back from the amount I’ve been doing. I can’t be copyediting every night for The Fandomentals, I can’t be writing a weekly piece, and the GoT rewatch, and two podcasts, and longer retrospectives, and other planned co-analysis, and fanfic, and answering all the asks I want to, and checking my site email to organize and manage our team of contributors. Certainly not if I want to sleep, work out, keep up with the news, be around family and friends, and have some semblance of downtime. That I was able to do all this stuff this long is actually probably not the best sign, you know?

So I’m trying to really focus my efforts. I plan to keep both podcasts going, because I really love doing that. The GoT rewatch is going to keep on keepin’ on as well, as planned. Julia and I will still finish out our retrospectives for S7, and I’ve even already rewatched the Dragonstone scenes. But my weekly pieces in addition to all this are going to stop, unless I’m super excited by something. I have no idea about my fanfic, to be honest, and I think that’s going to have to be a situational mood-based judgement call. With regards to the asks and social media interaction...I will do what I can, but as you’ve been seeing, it’s just not something I have a ton of time for. I haven’t even gotten back into my gifcapping funky flow!

For my LoK blog, god, I don’t even know how the definitive rankings are going to end up. I want to try, but really who knows. Because the other thing is that I come home from work and am actually like...intellectually tired. I need a break. I feel like such a boring drudge now, but it’s true. (Also BOTW is a great destresser.)

So yeah, there’s really no good way to end this. I’m just letting you know why I’m going to be sparse. But that also I’m doing well, so no worries there, and thank you so much for anyone who’s sent something caring about this.

And I’m still me, of course. If some GoT spoiler comes out or promo pictures or something, you can bet I’m going to be memeing like normal, and probably having stupid back-and-forths with some bellicose anon. If I feel like ranting about some movie or comic for 15 minutes in a video, I’ll likely do that. But I just can’t keep placing expectations on myself to do more next month, and it’s not fair to you to keep saying “when life calms down.” Life isn’t supposed to calm down. It’s not an inconvenience that gets in the way of me talking about my feelings on a piece of media. And moving forward, I’m going to do what I can to have a more balanced approach to all of that.

[chenlays]

artist!renjun

I hope this is what you wanted :”) ilysm💖 ⭐️ requests are open !! ⭐️ masterlist

can you make a cute artist!au w renjun bc that is probably the cutest and softest au ever :’)

art class is!! really fun

u basically got to do ur own thing on an assigned project and chat n have as much fun as you wanted

and 👀👀

there’s renjun

he’s a rly cute and soft boy who absolutely loves that class

and watching him draw or paint or just mess around was pure joy !!he would space out a lot with the end of his pencil in his mouth,, just thinking about what to do next

and sometimes he would just smile sO bright because of how funny a line or feature looked

a lot of the time he was more quiet and to himself, just sketching away and humming and occasionally looking up

but u never really paid attention to what he was looking at 👀👀

sO

one day when u were going to get ur snuffs

he was smiling really wide to the point where u could see his lil snaggle tooth 🤧🤧 (REST IN PEACE)

he was drawing in a very awkward position so he could cover the paper with his arm

and u were rly wanting to see it,, ofC

so u peeked over his shoulder and saw a really really pretty sketch :”)

but there was hearts and stars and flowers all over the background

nicely blended also

he didn’t realize you were there until you complimented him

then he waS SCREAMING

“OH hello,,, uHm may I help yOU??”

“yEa, wHAT were u drawing 👀👀”

when u ask him he gets all blushy and cute and closes it really fast

avoiding eye contact as much as possible too,, and lots of shaking

he says smth really dumb too

“MY C—ACTUS”

renjun w t f

he had a crush on u and u couldn’t see it smh u eggo

bUt then u just left him alone because he obviously wasn’t comfortable with sharing

and then the day after in art

he found the courage to sit beside you and watch you paint the scenery instead of letting you watch him

and when u weren’t looking, he just smiled so softly and did a cute laugh if u messed up

and then said encouraging words to make you feel better about the wrong stroke or bad blend or failed technique

“messing up just makes your art ten times more beautiful!!!”

after a week of just helping you and keeping you company, he stopped you after class on a Friday probs and gave you a SOFT and nervous smile and it conCERNED u a lot

and he was stuttering quite a bit probably :(

but he ended up asking you about his art

hMmm “could you come by my house sometime so I could get help with a drawing????”

oFC u said yes,, if u said no I would’ve hunted u down ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

and he wrote his number on ur hand rly fast with his special tracing pen

and zoomed out of the room bc he was so nervous

iT WAS cute though !!! soft shy baby boy

after school tho

he probs texted you right away n made it nice!! And sent lots of hearts n smiley faces

“du trist edderkopp 👺”

he was so cute and awkward n,, u just lov him

even though it was making u anxious n whatnot (pROBABLY I mean,, renjun is so cute how could he not make you nervous

you went over to his house for whatever he needed

I feel like his house would feel reALLY welcoming

nice flowers at the front n a fresh lawn and a lil porch decoration

and then he answers the door in pajamas bc he fORGOT and he was just screeching into his sketchbook or smth and stressing about this very moment

you’re trying not to laugh bc CUTENESS and he’s so embarrassed

it’s awful,, poor bby :(

he’s rUNNING while saying you can come inside and just leaving a trail of tears

but in like 5 minutes he’s back with a presentable outfit and those glasses that make him look so precious :”)

and he still has messy hair which makes him 29389292x cuter so u don’t say anything

but he just sets his sketchbook at a table and pulls out a chair for u 🤧🤧

“hEY do u want anything???”

“UHm 👀👀 can I have water ??”

his smile omg

probably smiles n runs to his kitchen,, ready to make u the best glass of water you’ve ever had

his sketchbook was one of those rly aesthetic ones !!!

the front was a little old and torn at the corners and it had lots of dirty on the edges and papers shoved in between pages

it looked so tempting to open :”)) but u had to rESPECT

he comes running in with some water and a tiny plate of cookies or whatever u prefer

“you mentioned it while you were sketching your background!!” 

while ur drinking ur water,,,

“uhh renjun??? why did I come over??”

“oH, I needed help with drawing someone!! you both have similar features and I needed an example!!”

as he was drawing and looking back n forth from u and the paper, you couldn’t help but notice how happy n determined he looked

he started making small talk with you after like five minutes so you wouldn’t be bored and you both learned a lot

and soon, he was done with the sketch and had asked for you to come back another time

it happened to be the following saturday

and throughout the whole week in art, both of you talked the whole time about so much

he was a good friend of yours at that point, and he was so much more interesting

he paid attention to all of your quirks and habits and literally fell in love with them all

if you liked to chew on ur nails or smth

he would laugh a lil and grab your hands and give u a warm smile

or if you liked to ramble a lot and stopped in between to say “sORRY I’ll stop :>”

he would frown n ask you to keep talking so he could work better

he paid attention to it all and remembered every little thing you said

you like flowers?? he’s already painting 20940 different kinds !!

AN YW AYS

when u went over again,, u went in his tiny art room

it was cozy and bright in there with lots of supplies on shelves and art hung up all over

and it was aLL his art !!

he probably had a painting of moomintroll and snorkmaiden tBH and when u asked what it was he snatched

“UH that’s just an old kid thing I liked sry wrong number ://“

“renjun wtf ur literally speaking to me”

but u both just sit and he gets his work done while u rant abt world issues and opinions and he also does too while aggressively cOLORING

and when he does finish

he shows you!!!

it’s yOu though :o

ur screeching bc “omg I thought u wERE USING ME AS AN EXAMPLE THIS IS AMAZIG ILYSM YOU EGG”

ur just showering him in compliments and love and tears and he is so flustered and happy that you like it

but it gets overwhelming so he drops everything and hugs you sOO tight

and then he steps away from you and covers his face,, and u can see marker stains and pencil lines on his hands and he looks sO cute n like he’s conquered his life goal istg

messy hair n messy artist renjun is my aesthetic

wOw he’s so cute,, trying not to look u in the eye and still form words so he can tell u how he feels 🏌️🏌️

“snjdksk I drew you because you’re beautiful and I’ve been trying to draw you since our very first art class but I never could :’)”

and he gives u 2993 moomin stickers he made himself

after that he holds ur hand all the time in class when he can 

and draws hearts all over ur stuff YES

and always gets paint on ur clothes so pls 

beware 

also hums while drawing in class since it calms both of u i’m tearing u p

aNd u need to date thx

the art teacher is assigning a partner project next term for that sole purpose

“date or u get an F”

thank u ilysm

[corduroy-falcon]

Saturday night ramblings

-- Technically it's Sunday morning, but I don't care. I've been thinking recently about why the heck society tries to force relationships into being the thing that you have to have. Like, they make it seem like if you're not in one that you should be trying to or else you're just not doing things right. Like, bih, let me just try to chill out and be myself. I know I may not be doing super hot but at least I'm trying, so back off with your pressures. Maybe it's just because I've been around couples too much lately. I only have like 2 or 3 friends and they're all in relationships. I have no idea what it's like to have single friends. And the 1 friend I do have who is single I only talk to at work and he seems like one of those guys who just wants to have sex all the time rather than anything else. And that's just not my thing. It's like if you're not trying to have some sort of physical contact with another human that you're stagnant in life. And like just why? Why does it seem like that's what's pushed onto us? And I hangout with a pair of couples rather frequently (my brother and his girlfriend, plus her best friend and her boyfriend) and I think that's actually getting to me a lot now. It didn't in the past, but lately I've just felt so out of place, like they're all joking about couple things and I'm over here petting a cat. Half the time I have to plug myself into the conversations because it feels like i get forgotten. Don't get me wrong, I like these people, they're fun and nice people....but I feel like I don't belong in the group. -- Now to just complain about myself a bit. Even if I somehow got into a situation where a relationship was possible I doubt I could follow through with it. I just don't want to do all of the back and forth with the courting and whatnot. I don't want to deal with all of that nonsense and time wasting stuff. Then there's the fact that I'm not exactly a mentally stable human being. So whoever would end up with me would have to put up with random bouts of severe depression and such. I go through (sometimes) weeks at a time where I don't even realize time is passing, I just faze out the entire world and roll through on autopilot. And when I try to open up about things I just turn into a wreck. AND I'm awful at turning my emotions into words, then when I do they don't make sense half the time. Now don't get it completely wrong, I'm not in absolute hate with myself, I've actually made considerable progress over the past couple of months, but like....I still don't enjoy who I am. Too much of it is about the physical aspect of who I am, and I know it shouldn't be. I'm not fat by any means, but I do have a small amount of fat around my midsection, which is pretty normal. But I expect better from myself. I want to have no jiggle to me at all, which isn't realistic, but I at least want to be happy with what I see in the mirror if I'm not wearing a shirt. I can't change my face, unfortunately, so I'm at least trying to improve the parts I can change, I just get impatient with myself. -- Okay, that's all. Sorry for occupying space on your dash, but I need to rant sometimes about things. Get it out of my system. And 2:30 in the morning just feels like a good time for it. Thanks if you read the whole thing, you really didn't have to.