#and why yes I do need therapy

[n1ghtwr1ter]

At the end of my latest TLT reread and it’s been physically painful attempting to read the last 40+ pages of Nona. Like, the short shrift that Gideon/Kiriona gets given by the people in the story…the theoretical good guys who honestly only see her as a thing, as a means to an end with an inconvenient dead soul attached to it… It makes me want to rip my own heart out of my chest.

Nobody has cared about Gideon her whole life. Most people, in fact, if they remembered about her at all, went out of their way to tell her how much they wished she didn’t exist. In the final chapters of Gideon, she finally gets the thing she’s been desperate for her whole life: somebody telling her that they need her, they care that she exists, and they badly want her to go on doing it. This allows her to make peace with the prospect that at the ripe old age of 18, she needs to die so that that person can go on living and living and living, using the castrated remnants of her soul as fuel to do so. Not a great way to go, but at least Gideon would get to be useful to somebody, would get to be remembered for something.

And then she wakes up in the wrong body, and finds out that her sacrifice - her attempt to be useful in the most selfless way possible, in that her self will no longer exist - has been rejected. And not only that, but the person she tried to give herself to - the one who was supposed to care about her - went to extreme lengths to make completely sure that she no longer remembered about Gideon.

She literally cut Gideon out of her brain.

And now, drifting along in the worst sort of half life where she’s inhabiting her body but it’s no longer really hers, in very obvious fashion - there’s holes in it, her heart is missing, and it’s got her shitty father’s handprints all over it (not even touching how much of a violation that is), indelibly - she finally meets back up with the small group of people who could theoretically be relied upon to be glad to see her again.

But then the one who was supposed to care about her most tries to kiss her (massively OOC for Harrow), and turns out to not even be there - it’s some weird baby inhabiting her body, and doing a really shit job of it too. The rest of them won’t stop talking about how they need her to break into the Tomb - as if she was just another key, same as the ones they worked together to acquire in Canaan House, just bigger and more inconvenient - and/or how they both fucked and killed her mom, who also (surprise, surprise) wished that Gideon had never existed, but saw her as a thing that needed to be done for the good of the mission.

Ultimately, they all make it abundantly clear - Palamedes, Camilla, Pyrrha, and especially Nona, all these people who are supposed to be kind and good and right - that they would prefer she wasn’t there. That it just be her body, with no Gideon attached - at least not Gideon the way she is now, broken and rejected and miserable. They would all far have preferred that she not have her own inconvenient thoughts and feelings and desires and impulses - that she just be inanimate and let the important people, the grown ups, get things done.

They wish she didn’t exist. Same as everybody else in her life, save one, and now she’s left wondering whether Harrow really meant it at all. Because if she did, she wouldn’t have left Gideon to Kiriona’s fate.

And honestly? Really, truly? I know everybody in the fandom loves Pal and Cam and Nona and Pyrrha, but in the end I couldn’t give less of a shit about them. They are fucking side characters, and as intriguing as Nona has been from a worldbuilding standpoint, I ultimately resent having been forced to read 400+ pages of filler bullshit about fucking side characters. I am a butch, and I’m here for my sarcastic, loving, angry, vulnerable, forgiving, and yes, inconvenient sword butch. I’m here for Gideon. But Gideon has been fridged for the last two books of the series in which she is supposed to be a, if not the, main character.

And it feels like almost nobody else in the fandom feels the same way, which, fine. I’m used to that. I’m also used to being told I’m projecting; and I’m used to being told that I’m inconvenient too, in my thoughts and my opinions and the mere fact of my existence. I spent the first eighteen years of my life being told I was inconvenient. Yet another point of overidentification with Gideon.

But in case anybody still thinks that Nona proves that Gideon was an asshole all along, think about all of the above. Think about how it would make you feel to come back from not just death but from the erasure of your existence, something you chose in order to save the life of someone you loved, and be told that you’re inconvenient. Think about how you’d feel if you’d been told all your life that it would be better for everyone if you didn’t exist. And then tell me that Kiriona isn’t in the right and that I should give a rat’s ass what happens to literally anybody else.

It’s Kiriona Hours up in this House, butches. We’ve spent long enough caring about people who would prefer we weren’t around. For once in our entire lives we were told we were important; we were told we mattered; we were told we were the main character. We were going to, if not get the girl and save the world, at least get to do something real, something important, something like being the hero.

But that’s over now; we’re back to being wrong and bad and inconvenient thanks to the simple fact of our existence. So it’s time to embrace it. Let’s be a little shit. Let’s be kind of a dick. Let’s have our own agenda, let’s play our cards close to our heartless chest, let’s allow our circle of empathy to contract to ourselves and maybe one more person. That’s where I’m at right now. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

[shima-draws]

I’ve mentioned it before but I’m a fucking sucker for unhealthy dependent relationships. There’s just something about them that is so. Chef’s kiss 👌

Anyway I’m still thinking about how Law was so attached to Cora and was so traumatized by his death that he literally devoted thirteen YEARS of his life to revenge killing Doflamingo. Even though all Cora ever wanted was for Law to just be free and live his life happily. And Law spending all his time in a hateful revenge spiral is literally the exact OPPOSITE of what Cora wanted for him. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. If the thirteen years of endless devotion to avenging his savior wasn’t enough Law 1. Named his pirate crew the Heart Pirates in honor of Cora, 2. Covered himself in permanent heart-themed tattoos in honor of Cora, and 3. Fashioned his Jolly Roger to be a mockery of Doflamingo’s and ALSO to honor Cora. Homie is a walking memorial for a man he only really knew for six months and again crafted the most intricate plan known to mankind to murder Cora’s killer. Because losing Cora fucked him up THAT much. Because even though Cora set him free, the moment Doflamingo shot him Law was chained to the memory of a man who no longer existed. Law literally fashioned his entire life down to his own appearance after Cora and it makes me so insane. I cannot even imagine what went through his head after Dressrosa I mean how do you move on after a thirteen year grudge is put to rest. What is he supposed to do now. Avenging Cora was literally his entire existence, his entire reason for living for half of his life. He needs therapy probably. If Cora somehow ever did come back to life Law would lose his fucking mind. The dependency is SO unhealthy and I am SO here for it

[goldkirk]

I'm so proud of myself about finances in the past couple months. I still struggle with money but I did enough meditation and journaling and practicing about it to make myself able to actually face my loans and credit cards and savings and bills and start really truly organizing and addressing them for the first time in years instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

Like. This is a huge deal for me. I've felt like I'm in deadly danger every time I've tried to think about money for years and years. I'm finally able to look it in the face and stare it down and start to organize and plan on purpose instead of just keeping up with the minimum to stay afloat. I'm so proud of myself.

It's still a refrain of "GUILT (funny link)" every time I think about money but I'm able to actually make spreadsheets and face the numbers and monthly tracking again, and even make a new full budget which I haven't been able to do in ages.

still feel guilt, overwhelm, and helplessness, but no longer feel as much deep elemental shame and terror. that's progress baby

[david-tennant-in-chairs]

He's so sad and pretty,

covered in velvet and full of whiskey,

like catnip for my codependency

[doublel27]

TK constantly acknowledges that he fucks up, apologizes, and he calls himself names while doing so. He apologized and called himself "crazy" for not responding well to Carlos's surprise date in season 1. He apologized and called himself a "bitch" for being upset that Carlos didn't introduce him to his parents in season 2. He tried to apologize for fighting with Carlos in season 2, and Carlos said something about agreeing not to, meaning that they had talked about it. He apologized and said that he "screwed up" for talking to Iris now in season 4.

Idk what show you are watching, honestly.

Yes. TK does. TK has also been in therapy since he was seven (even if he’s mostly applied those strategies after rehab), has two parents who were in law school and process everything verbally even if it’s not effective. TK has better skills around communication and always has. I’ve argued that since I started watching the show. There’s several metas.

But no one drags him through his fuck ups, he owns them naturally and in some cases, I think he over apologizes. TK drags himself through his fuck ups. But I think TK is used to being, occasionally, the most functional being in the room with his parents and does a lot of managing of situations. He’s always apologizing and sometimes over apologizing. It’s who TK is.

Carlos, meanwhile, does not process verbally. He never has. He sits and stews. He gets petty and doesn’t own his parts. He’s a perfectionist who is terrified that if he’s wrong or fucks up he won’t be enough or loved and is driven to be the best he can to the point he occasionally lies or gaslights people in order to not own his shit. He’s been like that since season one.

He has two parents who he came out to at 17 who never mentioned it again, even with him turning around and getting married at 18-20 and that marriage rapidly falling apart. Like? They don’t talk. About anything. We see it in how stoic Gabriel is in 2.08 and is shocked when Carlos lashes out. Carlos says that the most emotional he’s ever seen his father is 2.12 after the arson. Even in 4.04 TK takes a moment to lash out at Gabriel for keeping everything so close. This is the man Carlos has been trying to impress his whole life. Gabriel Reyes is a man who very clearly believes actions speak a lot louder than words and Carlos is very similar.

Carlos has also, to my knowledge, never been in therapy. TK is the better communicator (I’ve said that since I’ve started watching the show). He’s been slowly learning communication skills from TK. We’ve seen such a change from season 1/2 when Carlos would call TK crazy for holding boundaries or pretending TK’s assessment of meeting the parents wasn’t weird. Instead we’ve seen a progression to season 3 where Carlos doesn’t entirely pretend everything’s fine but opens up before TK disappears in 3.13. We get a man in season 4 who doesn’t try and fix it without telling TK but goes to him and tries to come up with a plan.

Carlos does not tend to apologize verbally like TK. He apologizes, most frequently, through action. We see it in 1.03 when Carlos asks TKK out on a real date instead of trying to manufacture a date out of a booty call. We see it in 2.12 when TK tries to apologize for the fight at the firehouse and he’s cooking dinner and tells TK to leave it. We see it in 3.04 where he immediately takes TK home and has already moved TK in. We see it in 3.13 when Carlos calls Cooper and puts a pizza in the oven and leaves.

The only real verbal apologies we get out of him is, aside from stupid things when TK almost died, is the one about his parents which required TK pushing him not once, but twice on the issue. TK did call himself a little bitch (but he wasn’t fucking sorry about it) and told Carlos how unsafe he felt because of Carlos’s actions and that’s when Carlos apologized. He often needs to be confronted with how his actions affect people to apologize and there wasn’t time for all that processing here.

They’re both petty bitches and I love that so much.

That’s the show I’m watching. I’m not surprised Carlos was icy in 4.03. He’s icy whenever he’s upset, even if it’s himself he’s mad at. He projects his anxieties like crazy. While I think TK felt blamed and blamed himself (because he always does even if it’s not his fault - with like everyone including his parents) I think knowing Carlos, he mostly blamed himself, and took it out a little on TK, which isn’t cool mind you, it’s not okay. But my boys are both fuck ups in their own right and I love them an insane amount.

Y’all Carlos Reyes is a man who cooked a full candle light meal after sending the equivalent of a “you up” text. This is a man who bought a whole ass condo without telling his partner after they’d agreed not to buy it. Like…I don’t know why any of you expect this man to have communication skills. He has to be pushed into literally every conversation/speech he’s ever had about his feelings. I don’t know why TK thought Carlos could even deliver a heartfelt speech to their friends about being engaged. It’s not his style.

But TK has them in spades. It’s one of the reasons they work together. Like puzzle pieces. So…yes. I will keep them and I don’t need to be hit over the head with Carlos’s fuck ups because I’ve witnessed them from 1.02…he’s always been a mess y’all. He just pretends really well and I love him for it.

He still needs therapy.

[heartshattering]

5 AM

Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃

[tennis-kittens]

AO 2024 • Doubles • R1 • Miscellaneous

[fate-defiant]

There is a Duckling,, LOOSE in the archives

[phrog42]

I..... Just realized....

Alina and the Darkling.

The age gap.

How many hundreds of years old is he?????

She's what, 17???

[rainysoll]

everyone one talks about noticing when your parents are toxic to you, but I also want to hear about witnessing your parents being toxic to each other. like the pain I feel from watching my fathers face as he realizes the only love he consistently gets is from our dog and his grandmother. the pain I feel from watching my mother lose her patience with him too quickly and for seemingly no reason. the absolute grief I feel stuck in the middle watching them both suffer unimaginably because I understand them each in a way they will never ever be able to understand each other. they both have their faults and I see where they've both deeply scarred each other but I am absolutely powerless from keeping those scars from being reopened again and again. the divorce date is finally in sight after all these long years and I just want to beg them to be civil enough with each other until they're finally free from each other.

[nashvillethotchicken]

I LOVED PLAN B! ITS MY FAVORITE AU SERIES

Thank you so much! I always forget I put my Tumblr at the bottom so people can check it out if they want but yeah plan b is me :). I'm literally so ecstatic that people like it

[grantwilsonenjoyer]

jesse try to leave an ao3 comment that isn't 4 paragraphs challenge (failed)

[widevibratobitch]

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

[quatregats]

Honestly I think everything would be much better if I could think about everything much more and also much less

[buriesitsteeth]

I was having a good day today for the first time since like…august and then someone said something and I’ve spiralled into anxiety grip ‘imworriedimworriedimworriedimworried’ brain and I’ve spoiled my night fr

[bl00dw1tch]

the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am