#and yet it’s still fucking hilarious to me

[ladyisabelsblade]

My Live Reactions to X-Men Origins: Wolverine

A text thread between me and my friend.

---

Just watched the opening sequence and it’s so fucking funny when you’re high

Dude that guy with the two guns, his sequence kind of slapped

And then the other guy punched a tank. Yo….

This Deadpool looks like an idiot with the swords but he’s still pretty funny lol

Why does he know Swahili?????

Oh no! They’re colonizers!!???

But not Wolverine, he cares about black people, that’s how you can tell he’s the good guy

Little brother, breaking cycles of abuse

JIMMY

--wolverine says racism is wrong! --have u seen his cartoon claws yet?

They didn’t look that bad but I am high so I don’t care

The action sequences aren’t half as bad as in last stand

Or at least I’m too high to notice if they are lol

WOAH SGIRT OFF

--u see a lot of hugh jackman nipples

Lumberjack Wolverine, wow

Just wow he’s wow

"Your country needs you” “I’m Canadian”

Aw, I like this girl. She’s so gonna die

What the fuck is this stupid story?

Even Logan thinks it’s stupid.

Most clumsily overt foreshadowing ever

Oop, yep she dying

--lmao --yea she lasts under 10 mins thats hilarious

Damn fucking eviscerated

Manly man scream

He ruthless

LMFAOOOO AND THEN HE GETS HIT BY A TRUCK

--relatable tbh

He’s so oiled up

Damn the dramatic irony is dramatic irony-ing

The Adamantium looks like the aftermath of a lush bath bomb

--ooooh ur not at the cartoon claws yet --he’s still all boney

Yee

LMAOOOO THEY LOOK PLASTIC

HIS ASS OUT

--ASS ASS ASS

Cover up your tits you preening slut precursor

They look so stupid just do practical effects you idiots

YES THE JACKET

WHAAAAATTTT HOW COULD YOU KILL THAT OLD LADY WTF

I should have seen that coming

EXPLOSIONS SLAY QUEEN

--who exploded things?

Everyone but Logan exploding the helicopter was slay queen

--lol this movie is such a blur for me, i love reexperiencing in real time

Oh this is the bad part

Fucking blob omg

--ah yes --and will i am

I like will I am he ain’t bad

And boxer Logan, boxer Logan is saving this scene for me

--idr him good or bad, i just remember he's will i am

He is

I laughed so hard when his name came up during the opening credits

--its a great jumpscare

Local man discovers his girlfriend was fridged for his character development

REMY LA BOU

OH NO HES HOT

--is this the first time uv seen gambit in something? like have u seen him in the cartoons or stuff?

and poker? This is like combining every old lady white woman’s wet dream together: lumberjack, boxer, poker player

No I’ve never seen the cartoons man

--by far the most loved x-man

GRABBED HIM BY THE SPINE WHAT THE DUCK

gambit slays here dude

Will I am dead

--u have the best one liners omg

I’m over an hour in and I’m really enjoying this movie, being high is really elevating my experience

--its probably greaat high ngl

It’s just like fun moment after fun moment, I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense

--its my dad's favorite hated movie --its so fun

He’s right, I can’t believe you told me this was worse than last stand

--idr last stand at all ngl

Oh, well it was really bad

My man is more okay with jumping out of a plane than flying in one

SCOTT

YOUR EYES SCOTT

sir this is an operating room you can’t be here

Damn, this is freaky, I thought Stryker was a creep in x2

KAYLAS BACK

WHAT THE FUCK

oh it’s mystique isn’t it

NO ITS NOT WHAT THE FUCK

Damn that’s cold

No, poor baby he’s so sad

They were together for 6 years damn

Yo this is so dope

This fight

--have u gotten to deadpool

Kayla, now is not the time

Not yet

--thats THE thing

I know

But here he comes

HE LOOKS SO STUPID

XAVIER MY MAN

Yo the black around the eyes thing kind of slayed tho

Damn fucking sliced his head off

Oh shit damn

Do they look out for eachother because you kind of suck ass victor

YESSSSS GAMBIT

Kayla come on don’t die

Again

HOLY SHIT STRYJER

AYO WHAT THE FUCK

girl this movies good I don’t know what you’re talking about

That was so slay Kayla

But you’re still probably dying

PROFESSOR

I LOVE YOU EVEN THIUGH YOURE BADLY CGIED

LNAO THE MUTANTS RUNNING AWAY

he don’t even remember her that’s so fucking sad dude

damn wtf tear my heart out why don’t ya

This movies cheesy but it’s hitting all the right beats

Like this is a pretty good origin story movie

Probably a horrible stand alone movie, but if I pretend like I’m watching a bunch of flashbacks stitched together it’s pretty good

Oooo two post credits scenes

LMAO TEASING A DEADPOOL COMEBAJX BUT HE NEVER DOES

--he kiinda does

In Deadpool 2?

--yea lol

Comes back just to die

--good

lol he wasn’t too bad but I think I’d have a different opinion if he was sober and there weren’t already two other great Deadpool movies

[zxxccx]

Don't Take Too Long

This is a work of fiction. All characters are 18+. Contains male fart fetish, piss, and scat content.

Senior year was almost over. We were all looking forward to being done with high school and the end was in sight. We just had a few more random assignments left, finals, and then graduation. I was sitting in class one day and went to get my homework out of my backpack. After looking for a bit, I realized I didn't have it and must have left it in my locker. So, I got up and asked the teacher for the hall pass so that I could get it. As I was walking out of the classroom, one of my classmates named Josh called out to me. Josh was your typical gym bro and had a big ass. I turned to see what he wanted and he said, “Don't take too long, I have to take a massive dump.” I looked at him with a mix of confusion and disgust. After a few seconds, his friend Joe who was sitting behind him said, “What are you wanting for? You heard him, hurry up!” And with that I left and tried put that weird interaction out of my mind. Why did jocks think that poop and fart jokes are so funny?

My high school was actually a small campus with multiple buildings on it. Of course, given how life works, my locker was in a completely different building than the one my class was in. So, it took me a while to get to my locker, get my homework, and walk back. And let's be honest, I was a senior in high school so it's not like I was exactly in a rush to get back to class. When I did get back to the classroom, I was surprised to see Josh standing outside, almost like he was waiting for me. “I thought I told you not to take too long. You think it's funny for me to me have to sit there and hold it in while I wait for you to get back with the hall pass? You're lucky the teacher’s chill and let me out anyway.” I didn't think I had done anything wrong, but wanting to avoid conflict I apologized anyway. Apparently that wasn't good enough for Josh though because he told me sorry wasn't going to cut it and that he thought I needed to be taught a lesson. He told me to follow him and then grabbed my arm and started leading me down the hallway. I tried to say something but he told me to shut up and said that if I tried to make a scene I'd regret it. He was significantly stronger than me so I figured it was in my best interest to listen.

Finally, Josh pulled me into the bathroom. I was very confused at this point but, before I could ask what was going on, Josh shoved to the ground and forced me to lie on my back on the grimey bathroom floor. I went to sit up and tell him off, but he held me down, spun around, and sat his ass on my face. This made me try to protest even harder (even though my protests were heavily muffled by his ass), but Josh reacted by simply ripping a nasty fart on my face. It smelled absolutely disgusting and made me gag. All of the sudden, I heard the bathroom door open. I started freaking out because I didn't want anyone to see me like this, but it turned out to just be Joe. Based on his reaction, him and Josh both found my current position to be hilarious. “Damn, can't believe we're actually gonna fucking do this to him. It's gonna be so nasty!”, Joe said.

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I wasn't kept in the dark for long. While still sitting on my face, Josh explained their plan: “I was pretty pissed when you took your fucking time coming back with the hall pass after I told you I needed to shit. So, Joe and I got to talking and we decided you needed to learn the error of your ways.” Josh paused for a second, pulled down the back of his shorts and boxers, and slammed his bare ass down on my face. I was caught completely off guard by this and unwittingly took a breath in through my nose. His ass smelled awful. He continued, “Now I'm sure you're already having a rough time down there, but I don't think you realize how much it sucks to be you right now. Ya see, I haven't taken my dump yet and you're in a pretty unfortunate spot. I was originally just planning to shit on your face and leave you to deal with that, but then Joe said it would be even better if I shat in your mouth and made you eat it. I thought that was the most disgusting thing I'd ever heard, but I decided it was too good of an opportunity to pass up on. If we're doing this to teach you a lesson, might as well make sure it sticks. But in all seriousness, there are two reasons we're gonna do this to you. First, it'll be fucking hilarious and will probably scar you for life, and second…because we can.”

I was horrified. There's no way I would let this happen. I started squirming as much as I could to try to get away. They both found this hilarious. I was no match for Josh's body weight though and only succeeded in tiring myself out and making myself sniff Josh's rank ass more. I decided I had to try to scream for help. Unfortunately, that idea ended up working against me. Not only was I not able to get any meaningful noise out from under Josh's ass, but the minute I opened my mouth, he spread his cheeks and firmly pressed has asshole down over my mouth. This resulted in my mouth being locked open by his body weight with my lips sealed around his hole. I felt like my skull was going to crack from the pressure. “Bad move buddy”, Josh said with a laugh. He punctuated that thought with a massive fart that echoed in my mouth. I gagged and started to struggle again. “If you thought that was bad, you're really not going to like what's coming”, he added, ”Hope you're hungry, because I'm about to burst!” Him and Joe started laughing again. He ripped a few more farts into my mouth and I felt like my taste buds were going to burn off. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I began to accept my fate.

Then, it happened, I felt Josh's asshole start to expand. “Here it comes”, he said while grunting. He continued to push and a large turd started to slide into my mouth. Nothing could have prepared me for the taste when it first touched my tongue. It was absolutely rancid - very bitter and slimy with earthy notes as well. I thought I was going to be sick, but Josh kept pushing and next thing I know I felt the log start to slide down my throat. “Look you can see his throat bulging. This is awesome!”, Joe said. He sounded thrilled. As the turd slid further down my throat, Josh and Joey continued to talk and crack jokes at my expense. Meanwhile, I was being completely defiled and the two of them could care less. Finally, after another minute of pushing, the end of the turd came out of Josh's ass. Most of it was already down my throat, but part of it was still in my mouth.

Josh told me to swallow it, because there was more to come. I didn't know if I'd be able to bring myself to do that but then, as if he was reading my mind, Joe told me that if I puked they'd make me eat that too. Seeing no other options, I forced myself to swallow the turd. Josh and Joe were elated by this. Josh continued to take his dump as if I were just a toilet. Apparently he wasn't joking when he said he had to take a massive dump. Over the course of what felt like ten minutes, he forced two more sizable turds down my throat followed by one smaller one. My stomach felt really full with all his shit. Then, to add insult to injury, he told me he wouldn't get up until I licked his asshole clean which resulted in my tongue getting up close and personal with his shit once again. When I finally thought it was over, Josh had one more surprise in store. He told me he was feeling generous and wanted to help wash the taste out of my mouth. He then pulled out his dick, aimed it at my mouth, and told me I better open up if I didn't want to go around smelling like piss the rest of the day. His piss was acrid and unpleasant, but nowhere near as bad as his shit.

Josh finally got up and I just laid there. I couldn't bring myself to move. I was relieved that this ordeal was finally over. That relief was short lived though when I looked up and saw Joe holding his phone with the camera pointing at me. He had filmed the whole thing! They both found it funny how horrified I was. After capturing my reaction Joe put his phone away. I went to sit up and beg him to delete the video, but he pushed me back down. “Who said you're done?”, he asked. “Lunch didn't agree with me today and Josh shouldn't be the only one who gets to have fun. Hope you saved room for dessert!” I started freaking out again, but he was easily able to hold me in place and I eventually ended up with him sitting his bare ass down on my face. I wasn't about to let them put me through that again, so I refused to open my mouth. A swift hit to my nuts took care of that though, and once again I found myself in a familiar position filled with dread.

Like Joe said, whatever he had for lunch was not sitting well with him. This resulted in his dump being a lot less solid than Josh’s. He began with some wet farts before I was presented with a mouthful of mush. The texture alone made me gag and the taste made me wish I didn't have taste buds. After making me swallow that, I was presented with two more mouthfuls that were pretty similar to the first. Joe's “grand finale” really took the cake though and made me regret thinking things couldn't get any worse. His final push filled my mouth to the brim with liquid diarrhea. It almost overflowed, but the seal between his asshole and my mouth was too tight. Realizing what just happened, Joe burst out laughing and then told me not to swallow under threat of Josh standing full weight on my balls. As much as I wanted to get the disgusting liquid out of my mouth, I did as I was told. Joe, then ordered me to swish his shit around like it was mouthwash and really take in the flavor. I didn't want to, but Josh starting to put pressure on my balls with his foot helped persuade me. I hated every second of it until they finally let me swallow. Joe also made me lick his asshole clean, but didn't give me the “courtesy” of rinsing out my mouth with piss like Josh did.

After he stood up, before pulling up his pants, Joe said they should see how good I did at cleaning his asshole. He picked up the homework I had dropped and wiped his ass with it. When he was done, it had a large streak of shit on it. “Whelp, guess someone's getting a zero. Hopefully you'll do a better job next time”, he said. He crumpled up the homework and threw it in the trash. As I got up, I shuddered at the idea of there being a next time. I wanted to run into the nearest stall and puke or at the very least rinse my mouth out with water from the sink, but the two of them where insistent that it was important for me to savor the flavor and fully digest their loads. They made me walk back to class with them and I was surprised that the teacher didn't question the fact that we all came back together or were gone for so long. When asked about my homework, I didn't want to give Josh and Joe an excuse to torture me more, so I just said I couldn't find it.

Fortunately, the two of them actually left me alone for the rest of the school year and never forced me to go through that again. I guess they had their fun and were done with me. They still did manage to get one more blow in though. One night, I got a text from an unknown number telling me that I had been gifted a video from a pay-per-view porn site. I initially thought it was spam, but curiosity got the better of me and I clicked the link. I was completely shocked to see it was the video of Josh using me as a toilet. His face was blurred and his and Joe's voices were altered, but it was still clear exactly what was happening. It was awful seeing myself in that position and having to relive the moment. But the biggest surprise came at the end of the video. When Josh finally got up, my face wasn't blurred and when I begged Joe to stop filming my voice wasn't altered. I felt a pit in my stomach and started to cry. I couldn't believe that this was out there. I looked at the profile that uploaded it and saw they had a second video available for purchase. Based on the thumbnail, I could tell it was my shitty experience with Joe.

All of the sudden, my phone rang. It was the unknown number. Nervously, I picked up. It was Joe. He asked me if I liked the video. I begged him to take both videos down, but he said not a chance. He also told me that if I ever told anyone about what him and Josh did to me, he would make sure everyone I knew saw the videos. He ended the call by telling me that he hopes I never forget the experience and that if I ever wanted to taste his shit again, all I have to do is call. I cried myself to sleep that night. I was glad when graduation came, because it meant that I didn't have to see Josh and Joe every day anymore since I went to a different college than them. But when I was home during breaks, if I ran into either of them while I was out, they would give me knowing grins and brag about how much money they made from the videos they posted. That combined with recurring nightmares in which I was back in that bathroom with them meant that the experience was a constant presence in the back of my mind. I would always remember what had happened and I would never forget the vile taste.

[subby-succubus]

Imagine you're sitting in my lap and I'm giving you pills from an unlabeled bottle. Little capsules, all different colors, almost like candy. You keep taking them like a good little whore, sucking my fingers each time. You have no idea what they are, and you don't care. You'd do anything you were told to do AND you'd probably take a pill you found on the ground. There was no way this could ever be your limit.

Your head is spinning a little already. The lights are brighter than they should be. You can mostly think clearly. Well, you THINK you're thinking clearly. Oh, it's time for the next pill! How many is that? Has to be more than five, couldn't be more than, um... Twenty? You think maybe they're starting to really kick in now. Every sense is pulsing, growing and receding in intensity. You try to say something, but it slips out of your mouth and turns into a few happy syllables. "I know, Angel. Here, one more."

I ask what you want to do. You giggle and turn and slip to the floor. You reach for my belt and fumble at the buckle. I smile at you as I undo it and strip off my pants. "Of course we can."

Your mouth isn't so much opened for me as it is hanging limp, but it's warm and wet all the same. I take hold of your hair and push inside your throat. I'm having to do all the work, but you seem happy enough. You're not blacking out just yet, but it can't be far away. You moan and fumble at your own tits and pretend to help me fuck you, but you're getting limper with every passing second.

I figure I'm ready to move on. You figure you're ready to go to sleep. We can both have what we want, really. I strip off what little you're wearing, and the last thing you feel as you drift away is the head of my cock starting to enter your...

Imagine you're waking up, right where you went to sleep. How long has it been? You're still naked. I'm still there. I have one hand on your cheek and the other jerking my cock, slowly. When I see your eyes flutter open, I speed up. You try to say something. Try.

I take my hand off my cock to grab the pill bottle. I shake three of them into your hand. "Go ahead."

You take them, of course. Then I throw back the rest of the bottle into my mouth and swallow them all.

You're shocked. I'm laughing. My hand is back on my cock, making myself cum on your face. "It was a joke, silly slut. They're all placebos!" I smear my load across your face, let you down gently to a lying position. I wipe my cock on your clothes, throw them on top of you, and walk away.

Now imagine that before starting our little game tonight, I took the placebo bottle and put two dozen real pills on top of it. You swallowed them all. What were they? You don't know. I've already forgotten. Who gives a shit anyway. What matters is I drugged you into unconsciousness, did God knows what with your body, and then convinced you that you were sober the whole time. Isn't that hilarious?

- Sinister

Wow. Wow wow wow. Yes please.

I'd just keep taking anything you gave me. I'd want to be a good girl for you after all. Each pill making me more and more needy. Each time I think less and less about the consequences by replacing those thoughts with how badly I want to be obedient. I mean, I can't say no. How could I? I want so badly to please you. Wanting to pleasure you with my mouth. Wanting more, but feeling too sleepy. I fall asleep for you to do whatever you want to my little, weak body.

I wake up feeling hot and used. Not sure what happened to me. Not sure what is currently happening. Not fully understanding how I could be like that with placebos. But if you say so, it must be true. After all, you wouldn't lie to me. It's my fault for being such a dumb slut. It's my fault for being so easy.

It would just make our game so much harder for me to win. Just like it should be.

[victimized-martyr]

ur making me wanna ship kyman (only if cartman gets therapy) what the actual fuck is Tumblr doing to me

Nice to tempt you to the dark side 👻

lolol in all seriousness, that’s cool! Technically, Cartman *is* in therapy. He’s seeing Thomas (Panderverse), remember? And it’s strongly implied he’s on medication (Cupid Ye). Can’t say if he’s getting better or worse, but Cartman definitely has evolved. If you want to go the redemption route, it’s been shown that it takes little for Cartman to be “fixed”. He just needs discipline, a sturdy male figure in his life. He… needs to be dominated. Literally (tsst) and if not that, he needs to get out of South Park— his biggest enabler. So, he’s not too far gone. He’s a real piece of work though, and South Park’s wellbeing (in-show and out) can’t function without him being an asshole. It’s just who he is. But whoever decides to stick with him has to have a lot of determination to deal some damage control, or keep him in check. (hm, sounds familiar…)

So, there’s your condition met. Go forth and ship kyman! 🫡

[umblrspectrum]

@runitails how does it feel being the funniest person ive ever seen

[askblueandviolet]

Are you two dating?

MASTER POST

Asks Start 💙💜

Previous 💙💜

Next 💙💜

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

Imo Jason is “irredeemable” by default because I don’t see what he needs redemption from.

[lemony-snickers]

life sucks, have some smut.

Title: Too Much of a Good Thing (No Such Thing) Summary: You and Kakashi spend a protracted morning in bed. Word Count: 2,015 Warnings: 18+ only, NSFW, fem!reader, edging/overstimulation, biting/marking, vaginal fingering, masturbation, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, established relationship .

Your thighs twitch and tremble, slick and sticky as they clench inward and you whine.  ”Kakashi.”  His name comes out breathy and high-pitched, a long-suffering whisper.

He’s teasing you; you know he is because you can feel his smirk against your collarbone where he’s tucked his face, occupied himself with suckling against the tender skin of your neck to distract you from the futility of your constantly building—but never quite achieved—orgasm.

You’re sure the skin is bruised already; certain it will blossom an even bolder shade by the time Kakashi finishes his work.

(Read More on AO3)

[kenobihater]

you ever write up a combination of words you're really proud of at the time bc you think it's vivid but it's actually so atrocious that you remember it eight years later bc it's burned itself into your long-term memory? just me?

[randomnameless]

Something that really bothers me about the rose coloured glasses vis a vis tellius and fe fans (ESPECIALLY from 3h fans who learned about tellius later) is that many like soren purely because of his main ship (i mean i like ikesoren too but come the fuck on) and jokingly characterise soren as a stereotypical nasty mean limp wristed sarcastic gay man instead of a deeply flawed branded angry at the world and definitely trauma bonded to ike, but micaiah is still absolutely getting raked over the coals over the blood pact and not being ike’s fangirl

Well,

Jokes often involve flanderisation, so Soren being flanderised to oblivion when people joke about him isn't something I really care about, but maybe that's because I'm not really fond of Soren to begin with lol

What annoys me more is when some people try to rationalise Soren's anger and backstory by either pointing at Almedha or Deghinsea being responsible for everything, and I'm like, what.the.fuck?

Almedha's just, idk, I won't call it sexism, but damn - that woman loves her son who is the only reason why she hasn't completely lost her mind over 1/losing her powers 2/being casted away like trash by her "BF" 3/being rejected by her dad 4/thinking her brother was tortured and abused to death because of her actions 5/being separated from her beloved child.

Deghinsea being "uwu bad bcs he's the reason why brandeds are rejected by both beorcs and laguz" is another take I really am not fond of, and iirc I wrote a post earlier this year about it? But to some people who buy the "Crusts BaD" as the reason why Fodlan sucks, I guess they need to have someone to name and pill all of the world's nonsense rather than, well, in Tellius' case, realise that the worldbulding and the lore really sucks, to the point where the duology touted as the most "against racism" of the franchise, is pretty much way more racist than anything Tru Piss can throw us (yes, because in Tru Piss we have characters rejecting coexistence, in Tellius, it's the world mechanics - whenever a Beorc and a Laguz coexist too much, the Laguz dies...).

As for Miccy,

Just like, imo, Soren gains some "new" attention and "uwu excuses for why he's being a snarky jerk at times", Miccy used to be bashed when FE10 was released (with all the Mary Sue accusation being thrown around!) because she was written to be a sort of foil/antagonist to Ike, and when the party reunited, she was demoted to a "soul-jar" role, let it be regarding the greater plot, or, even, her own backstory!

TBH, for people who didn't play FE10, if Ike is the bestest thing since melted cheese, Miccy, who opposes him, must be BaD and so you can pile everything you don't like on her, hoping to see it stick.

Or even worse, I've seen posts here and there comparing Miccy to Supreme Leader and how misunderstood uwu she is, which is the worst insult poor Miccy ever received since FE10 came out rofl

[shooks-stupid-stuff]

a prime example of why me and @nubcatnoises (pika) should not be allowed to draw together ever

[itsaseamonster]

My Tav: *barges through the gate to Baldur's gate for the first time since the Nautiloid* whERE IS CAZADOR SZARR'S PLACE?

4 hours later, my Tav: *closes the gate to Baldur's gate* I should not have gone to Cazador Szarr's place yet!

The Gazette headline: Local bard bites the dust! What the fuck did they even think?

[raycatz]

In fourth grade my class had a unit where we learned all about ships and sailing and sea shanties and then spent a day/overnight on a retired ship. We were split into different roles. I was in the galley team. Which was fun. But in retrospect I was probably put there because I was one of the quieter less athletic kids. BUT ALSO. I didn't get to see anything other than the main deck and I'm so pissed about it still!!!! My classmates got to mess with the ropes and tie knots and see the ship. I got to go down one flight of stairs for the historic tour section but nothing else!!!! Didn't get to stand under any of the other masts or see any cool views or go on any of the other decks I'm o|< little me missed out I would've loved to see more. They should have made sure all the kids got to experience more. They had us take night watch shifts of like half an hour, so like, we each were woken up separately and went and stood out in the cold and were given a journal to write in. I did like that part.

[cosmic-aria]

can’t wait to play Persona 3 Reload and watch the game try to gaslight me into liking Yukari for the 1000th time when my literal gay awakening Mitsuru Kirijo herself is right there

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[leclercsbf]

bruh i said i was going to continue writing this fic in between the shootout and the sprint but i literally just blanked out thinking about oscar P2 for like an hour.