#and you bet when he was robin that was one little gremlin staying up all night just to game on his ps or xbox

[stevesbipanic]

Maroon

Happy birthday @henderdads in honour of you, the number one supporter of my Midnights collection, my go-to swiftie in my phone and because our Taylor has left my country singing this song on her last show here, enjoy.

When the morning came we were cleaning incense off your vinyl shelf

'Cause we lost track of time again

Laughing with my feet in your lap

Like you were my closest friend

"How'd we end up on the floor anyway?" You say

"Your roommate's cheap-ass screw-top rosé, that's how"

I see you every day now

“Steveeeee, your little candle died!” Eddie giggled from the other room. They’d spent the day unpacking Steve’s new apartment downtown. Well, Steve had unpacked, and Robin and Eddie had spent most of the day snooping through boxes. Robin had gone home, her parents still wary of her staying out after dark, Starcourt only a few months ago.

“Little candle? Oh, the incense,” Steve said coming into the room to see Eddie on the floor. He wiped off the little pile of ash and plopped down next to Eddie, stretching his legs over him. “Share that you gremlin, Robin bought that for my housewarming!” Steve reached over Eddie to grab the bottle of wine Robin’s mum sent with her.

“It’s too bad Robbie can’t live here with you, I don’t want you being all lonely,” Eddie pouted looking over at him.

Steve took a big gulp of the tangy wine, “You could always move in?”

“You wouldn’t get sick of me?”

“Nah, sounds nice seeing you every day.”

“Ok, Stevie, I’ll tell Wayne tomorrow, now gimme that bottle, roomies gotta share!”

And I chose you

The one I was dancin' with

In New York, no shoes

Looked up at the sky and it was

Living with Eddie was easy, it was nice having someone to come home to. The kids liked him too, winning them over with Hellfire and nerdy movie nights. Sitting on a bathroom floor with Robin figuring out why he got butterflies every time Eddie smiled wasn’t as easy but it felt healing.

“We should go out!” Eddie had said when Steve came out to him, blushing hard before Eddie continued. “Robbie looks too young to join me when I go to this gay bar in Indy but I bet they’ll look the other way for you, sweetheart.”

That’s how Steve found himself twirling around a brightly lit dancefloor that Friday, boys with boys and girls with girls around him and he felt light and free. Eddie never left his side, his scary dog energy scaring off any guys that might’ve asked Steve to dance but Steve didn’t mind, maybe it meant Eddie would keep dancing with him.

They stumbled down the road together, planning to sleep the night off in the van and drive home in the morning. Steve giggled looking up, the morning sun had begun peaking over the horizon, it’s colours dancing through him matching the warmth he felt in his heart.

The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me

And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was

The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones

The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon

After that night the boys felt closer than ever. It was no surprise when they ended up on the living room floor again, a bottle of cheap red wine between them. Laughter filled their home in a way it never did in Steve’s house growing up. Eddie threw his hands around as he spoke, inevitably spilling the wine on them, narrowly missing the carpet.

“Oh shit, sorry Steve!” Eddie said following Steve to the bathroom. For a brief moment, Steve thought of another stain in another bathroom, but as he turned towards Eddie all thoughts of that night left him. Eddie gently tried to get out the stain from the ruined shirt. Steve couldn’t help it, blame it on the wine, blame it on the location, but he reached out grabbing Eddie’s shirt and tugging him forward.

Their lips meeting, Steve tasted the wine and cigarettes they shared. He pulled back slowly, hoping he hadn’t ruined everything. He didn’t have to worry long as Eddie quickly pulled him back, meeting his lips again.

When the silence came, we were shaking blind and hazy

How the hell did we lose sight of us again?

Sobbin' with your head in your hands

Ain't that the way shit always ends?

It’s not always easy living with the person you care about most. November brought more nightmares, dreams he couldn’t explain to Eddie, wanting to keep him far away from the hell beneath them. He had to blame his screams for Robin on a fire and not the longest night of his life.

“Why won’t you talk to me, Stevie!”

“Because I can’t!”

“Why not!”

“I’m trying to protect you!”

Steve felt the slam of the door cut through him. For the first time in a long time, they sleep in separate beds.

You were standin' hollow-eyed in the hallway

Carnations you had thought were roses, that's us

I feel you no matter what

Steve came home a few days later to Eddie waiting at their door. Pink carnations held tightly in his hand, his teary eyes and flushed cheeks made Steve’s heart ache. Eddie looked up as he heard Steve approach, his voice cracking as he said his name.

The rubies that I gave up

“I’m sorry, Stevie. I shouldn’t have left, I was just worried about you.”

Steve gently took the flowers and Eddie’s hand, “I want to tell you, I just can’t and I need you to trust me, Eds.”

Eddie nodded and Steve unlocked their door leading them both inside. “You know, I love carnations,” Steve said giving Eddie a soft smile going to the kitchen to get them water.

Eddie laughed softly, “I thought they were roses, they just looked pretty and reminded me of you.”

Steve smiled, he thought about how his dad would always try and win his mother’s forgiveness with money and jewels, he liked this better.

And I lost you

The one I was dancin' with

In New York, no shoes

Looked up at the sky and it was maroon

No matter how hard Steve tried to protect the people he loved, they always seemed to get dragged into it. Steve never wanted to see Eddie as terrified as he did in that boathouse. He wishes he’d gone with Eddie that night after the game, but he’d promised Lucas that he’d drive him to the after-party. He didn’t even know Eddie was still dealing.

“Don’t be a hero,” he’d said, but now Eddie was bleeding in his arms. Dark red blood seeping into their shirts like the wine did all those months ago. Eddie’s eyes slipped closed on the drive to the hospital.

The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me

And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was (maroon)

The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones

The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was (maroon)

Everywhere Steve looked he saw red. He refused to leave the hospital until Eddie was out of surgery. Robin had dragged him to the bathroom, forcing him to wash the blood that coated his arms down the drain. She’d left to get him a change of clothes, leaving him to sit on the hard chairs in the waiting room.

The cushions a bright red, the blood a muddy maroon under his nails, his shirt stained a deep scarlet, the smell of rust and iron coming off of him, a crimson sky behind his eyes.

And I wake with your memory over me

That's a real fucking legacy, legacy (it was maroon)

And I wake with your memory over me

That's a real fucking legacy to leave

Steve doesn’t remember when he sat down beside Eddie’s bedside. He just remembers a teary phone call to Wayne and seeing Eddie still breathing. Wayne had to go to work, Steve didn’t have anywhere to be since Family Video sunk into the earth with half the town. Pink carnations in a vase at his bedside.

“I told you not to be a hero, Eds.”

The brief bouts of sleep he got leant over Eddie or curled up in his chair were plagued with losing Eddie over and over. Til one night he dreams of them back in their apartment, lying on their floor, Eddie’s fingers brushing through his hair. He wakes, still feeling the edges of his dream, fingers still in his hair. He glances up and meets warm brown eyes.

“Eds, you’re awake!”

“Sorry I tried being a hero, Stevie, I should’ve trusted you.”

The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me

And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet (it was maroon)

The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones

The lips I used to call home, so scarlet (it was maroon)

The day Eddie comes home, a town rebuilt, Steve swears the sky is the same pink it was that night in Indianapolis. He helps Eddie up the stairs, opening the door, the apartment just how they left it. The warm burgundy blanket on their ruby couch. A bottle of red wine on the counter, cherry wood cabinets and chestnut floors. A soft blush on both their faces as they lay down on the scarlet sheets of their bed. Merlot on their lips as their sucked soft wine-coloured bruises, taking back their love from months so close yet so far apart.

It was maroon

It was maroon

Steve would wake later, lips bit rough and maroon and thank the world that life didn’t end under a blood-red sky.

Ao3

[okmissgirl]

Absolutely Normal Nonsense

Lil' brainless ficlets about Chrissy and her himbo Edward

Next Nonsense ->

🛼 Skating 🛼

Chrissy’s ass looks like a fucking dream when she’s wearing rollerskates. 

At least, that’s half the reason Eddie bothers to take her and Red to the skatepark on the weekends. Sometimes they convince him to skate with them, but he usually maintains that he's better off watching to make sure they don’t break themselves while rolling around. Max even likes to bring Hopper's kid with her sometimes (more like sneak actually, the girl pops out of fucking thin air) and that just adds to Eddie’s anxiety, frankly. The Chief would fry his ass if he found out his daughter got injured and he didn’t do jack shit to stop it, so there’s clearly a need for Eddie to stay the lookout. Inevitably one of those girls will fall, and Eddie’s in charge of having the first aid kit on hand. 

Chrissy is a lot better at cleaning cuts and putting bandages than he is though. She even gets the cute character prints that Max will grumble about wearing until El points out that the unicorn one on her elbow looks cool. Max will kinda smile, in that way where she wishes she wasn’t, and Eddie will watch her glare down at the band-aid box as she takes a few more home with her. And then she’ll glare at him because she’s probably required to do it or something. 

All of these skating trips they take eventually get out to those idiot sheep of his, and soon Will’s tagging along with his sister, then Lucas and Erica get wind of it from Max. Mike gets pissed that he wasn’t invited and then Dustin tags along to annoy the shit out of Eddie by picking apart the next campaign. Chrissy manages to sneak her little brother Curtis out of the house one day and then bam! Lo’ and behold, these little skate trips are now a bimonthly thing that they coordinate over walkie talkies, and because Eddie can only fit so many children in his child-unfriendly van, Harrington begrudgingly picks up the slack. With Harrington comes the rest of the breakfast club, (a term Eddie resents wholeheartedly) but he’s honestly grateful for the company, if only to keep track of all the gremlins running around. 

One scorching July day, Robin brings one of those big packs of double popsicles to the park with her. Everyone’s just lazing around under some trees or sitting on the benches, licking away when Robin nods at Chrissy. 

“You know, I never said it before but your roller skates are killer, babe.” 

Nancy nods. “Yeah those are absolutely adorable, Chrissy. Where’d you buy them?”

Chrissy lights up and scrambles to stand, rolling around while licking her orange popsicle.

“They’re nice right?! I got them on a discount and they fit perfectly. They’re also really functional too because some of the other skates don’t have good stopping mechanisms so it's a lot easier to… “ 

Robin smiles and nods while Nancy asks more questions. Chrissy continues to skate around happily, doing a couple twirls to demonstrate her agility.  Robin knocks Eddie out of his trance with a nudge of her leg. 

“I bet you love those little skates even more than she does, Munson.” 

Eddie tries to shove the girl off the bench but she’s laughing at him the whole time. 

Because he can’t exactly say no, can he? 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

(going crazy trying to find the fanart with Chrissy and her lil skates. Saw it once and never again 🥲someone help)

[astranne]

okay but-

streamer!jason todd. it‘s one of my things in my massive brainrot post that’s rotting in my drafts. lmao, rot everywhere xD

anyhwore-

streamer!jason just becoming a streamer to spite bruce like always

first, people don’t realize, he‘s jason todd, since he calls himself jay but then someone points it out, when jason already has a solid fanbase because yes ofc he has and society goes wild

he always causes twitter wars and twitter to break down. once it was cuz he started 'fighting' with corpse husband (who has the sexier whaddup baby), another time he absolutely slayed in valorant (because yes, ofc he does) and then there was also the time, where he accidentally took of his hoodie and shirt and didn’t realize it (he did, that fucker absolutely knew what he was doing)

and so many more- gimme more ideas i wanna scream abt them thank you very much in advance <3

[ghostspideys-moved]

Wait For Me

Chapter Two

A/N: Okay, this one’s not as long as the last chapter, but I’m happy with how it turned out. Hope you guys like it!

Word Count: 1.4k

Pairing: Steve Harrington x OC

Summary: River takes some time to think about her decision on top of having a job now. It’s a big one, and Steve gives her the time she needs.

Steve had been more than happy to give River some time to think. It was a big decision, and not one to take lightly, either. In the time that she’d been weighing the pros and cons of this whole situation, he’d quit. Just as he predicted, River did end up getting the job. So far, things were going exactly the way they were supposed to pan, out, and she was set to work as soon as possible.

The nice thing was that she’d be taking Steve’s shifts with Robin, so at least the work day wouldn’t be totally insufferable. As soon as she’d put on the uniform, she could see why Robin and Steve hated it. It was...an interesting choice, but she could make it work, she supposed. 

Day one was just as chaotic as she’d assumed it would be. The day started out well enough, and business was slow to start off with. Of course, that didn’t last very long, and soon River and Robin had to deal with a rush. Honestly, it wasn’t all that hot out, so she didn’t understand the demand this time of year, but at least they were getting customers. 

As soon as they’d gotten through the worst of it, the two of them sat back and enjoyed the slight break while they could. 

“So, did Steve talk to you?” Robin suddenly asked. It wasn’t the least bit surprising that she knew about the whole thing, especially with how close her and Steve were. And River did remember him saying she’d warned him not to come on too strong. Whether he’d actually heeded the warning or not.

“Um, yeah.” River sighed and leaned against the back counter. “I’m still working things out.” Truthfully, she wasn’t quite sure what to do. At some point, she made sure to bring it up to Hopper. As distraught as he was by the idea, he ultimately made sure she knew he supported whatever she chose to. The sentiment was nice, but it really didn’t help her decision at all. 

Robin nodded in understanding. “I get it. You know, he’s really confident this is going to work out for him,” she added. “I mean, who knows, maybe it will.” River could sense some hesitation, and her thoughts were definitely conveying some concern, but once again, she tried not to pry and invade her privacy. 

“Can you just promise me one thing?” Robin finally asked after some thought.

Curiously, River gave her a quizzical look and nodded.

“Whatever you decide, will you just make sure he doesn’t get too hard on himself if it doesn’t go the way he expects?” There was genuine concern in her voice, and she couldn’t blame her.

“Yeah. I will.” 

River knew how he was. Steve was his own biggest critic. Even if he spoke so highly of this plan of his, she knew he would be very hard on himself if he failed. 

Robin smiled and patted her back before she went to help a customer approaching the counter.

The rest of the work day was busy on and off, and most of it River spent mulling over her decision again. She’d come to a few conclusions and was sure she’d finally made up her mind. 

The moment her shift was over, she said goodbye to Robin and left to head to Steve’s apartment. She’d only been there once before since he got it, but she remembered where it was. The only bad part was probably that she didn’t have a car - or even know how to drive for that matter - and had to walk the whole way. It wasn’t too far, but she really wished she’d at least had a bike. Maybe the kids had the right idea.

By the time she arrived and knocked on the door, her hair was a mess again. At some point, she’d take her hat off, which hadn’t helped. She tried to brush it out of her face, making a mental note that she was definitely due for a haircut soon. 

After a moment, Steve opened up, smiling brightly the moment he laid eyes on her. He let her in, and she set her hat on the counter. 

“I needed to talk to you,” River said. Might as well jump into things before she hesitated. 

Steve seemed to know exactly where this was going and nodded. He leaned against the counter and waited with a hopeful heart that this was going to go the way he was hoping. 

She stared down at her feet for a moment, collecting her thoughts. “I like you, Steve. I really do.”

For a brief moment, he felt his heart sink. That was never a good start. Not wanting to make him worry, River quickly backtracked. 

“I like you enough that, for all I know, I might be making a stupid decision. But I trust you,” she added. “If you really think you know what you’re doing, I wanna be supportive of that.”

Steve felt his spirits lift again. “So that’s a yes?”

River nodded, and he grinned like an idiot. She squealed in surprise when he picked her up, spinning her around for a moment. The moment he set her down again, Steve gave her a quick kiss that sent her heart fluttering.

“You won’t regret this, River. I promise,” he said. “God, you have no idea how happy I am right now.”

The grin on his face was a good enough indication for her, and she was beginning to think maybe this had been the right decision. 

“Yeah, me too.” And she was. River was extremely happy.

Of course, she had to tell Hopper what she’d decided. And true to his word, he was very supportive and did his best to help her. The hardest part was probably moving all of her things. It really kept her occupied between shifts, and most days she tired herself out quickly. 

At some point, it dawned on her that there was a much easier solution to her problem. The thing was, she owned a lot of action figures, books, posters, those sorts of things. And she could think of several children who were all as nerdy as she was. 

As soon as she got a chance, she threw together a giant box of things she was willing to part with and headed to Mike’s house. That was their usual meeting place, so she was willing to bet that’s exactly where they were. 

Naturally, she’d been right. Karen Wheeler greeted her and let her come in once she’d explained her unexpected visit. Sure enough, River found the kids gathered in the basement as per usual. Once they’d all eyed the box, she could see the curiosity and excitement gleaming in their eyes. 

River set down the box and placed her hands on her hips. “Alright, let’s keep this civil, okay? You guys are welcome to look through the box and take whatever you want, but please don’t kill each other over it,” she said. “I don’t need all this anymore.”

That was all they needed to hear before they all started digging through the box excitedly. It was like watching sharks in a feeding frenzy. Dustin pulled out one of her action figures and gave her a look of shock. 

“You’re really giving away your Star Trek shit?” he asked. “You never even let us touch these before.” 

Admittedly, that had been the hardest decision. If there was any one thing she was obsessed with, it was Star Trek. 

River sighed and ruffled his hair. “Yeah, oddly enough. I didn’t get rid of all of it, though, so don’t worry,” she assured him. “Only what I could part with is in the box.” There were a few things she’d opted to keep for herself. If these kids thought they were getting her model of the USS Enterprise, they were sorely mistaken.

It didn’t take long for them to choose whatever they wanted, though there was just as much arguing as she’d anticipated. Especially over a few of her comic books. 

“Alright, you little gremlins got something out of this. Stay out of trouble,” River joked. “I got more packing to finish.” Thankfully, she was through the worst of it and was very close to finishing. 

Just as she was about to leave, Mike perked up, seeming to remember something.

“Oh! Wait, River!” She turned curiously, pausing at the bottom of the stairs. “Will and his family are coming back for a few days,” he said. “If you and Steve wanna join. They’re coming for Halloween.”

If she remembered correctly, Halloween was on a Friday, so they’d probably stay for the weekend assuming Will had to go back to school. They’d been gone long enough that Joyce must have enrolled him and Jonathan in school. Especially seeing as this was Jonathan’s last year. 

“Yeah, we wouldn’t miss it,” she promised.

[jennacha]

here’s a big rant about The Child Thief

ok i have a big confession to make

I’m kind of obsessed with the book The Child Thief.

It’s not a particularly good book. In fact, I would go as far to say it’s poor. The writing has the cadence of 15-year-old-going-through-their-novelist-phase. I guess I could say it reads like fan fiction. The plot is very messy. The characters are badly written. It feels like a book that wasn’t edited. The word “magic” is used a lot, and it’s embarrassing. There’s a part where a character slams their fist on the ground and yells “WHY?!” and it’s embarrassing. The dialogue feels like it came out of a 1990s teen adventure fantasy movie trying to imitate the success of a Corey Feldman/Haim movie. Several times throughout the book the thought, “Why did the author do this?” popped in my head. However, the author is a fantasy illustrator, so the descriptive writing is a plus. He knows how to illustrate the landscape with words as well as he would in painting. The book is not a special unit dumpster fire piece of shit insult to literature; in fact, as far as I know a lot of people like it and it has gotten a decent amount of praise. It’s just not very good, in terms of the surface level writing. But I can easily see a lot of people enjoying it for basic entertainment value.

So that would be my YA-focus blog summary review of the book.

My public outcry summary review of the book is this:

I’m obsessed with the book because it’s so fucking weird.

It’s so fucking weird in that it’s a perfect shitstorm of the author not knowing what he’s doing, and thinking he’s knowing what he’s doing. Like a perfect bad B-movie that exhibits textbook schlock where the director is incompetent and clueless but lacks any self-awareness, in terms of style, layout, and production.

But also, the author thinks what he’s doing is…cool.

The book is about evil Peter Pan.

I could end this whole thing right there. But I must release these hounds. I’ve been needing to let all this out.

My wretched insanity craves affirmation.

This book should be a carbon copy of every other average to below average dark fantasy novel that you see on the bookstore shelves and never heard of and wonder what the author is doing now with all their not-fame. This book should be one that could’ve been written by anybody and it wouldn’t have made a difference. This book should be one of sixty million examples of nothing special. In a way, it is definitely 100% yes definitely yes all those things. The universe decided that I would be the bearer of the burden of having much stronger feelings about it then necessary. I probably feel more strongly about it than the author ever did. It is in my life now.

The biggest thing about this book being so fucking weird is the mind boggling tonal inconsistency. There are a number of shifts in universe-encompassing moods, which go from “Christopher-Nolan-but-also-kind-of-Stephanie-Meyer-dark-gloomy-the-world-is-unhappy-and-I-like-it-that-way”, to “David-Fincher-the-world-is-ACTUALLY-awful”, to “Oh-right-this-is-a-Peter-Pan-story-whimsical-fun-Goonies-meets-Disney-Channel-original”, to “A-worse-version-of-The-Hobbit-movies-with-some-redeeming-qualities”, to “Quentin-Tarantino-literally-wrote-this.” This isn’t hyperbole. The writing language can be REALLY EMBARRASSING and straight out of a Disney movie. That tone of a fun romp for the whole family is cradled by an abundance of swearing, unsettling fantasy-horror, and extreme, shocking violence.

You know when you’re watching Beetlejuice, and you’re like “Okay this movie is for children” and then out of nowhere Michael Keaton goes “NICE FUCKIN’ MODEL” and grabs his dick.

In The Child Thief, THAT washes over you every time you finish reading a sentence. Only, it’s as if you’re watching Hook, and at one point Robin Williams slices a person’s face off, and the camera stays on the faceless person for a minute and Steven Spielberg walks into frame and points to the gurgling faceless head and describes to you how you can still see the holes where the mouth, nose, and eyes were.

(Yes that actually happens in the book.)

Or if you’re watching Neverending Story and at one point you get expository dialogue explaining how Atreyu was pimped as a boy and had to live on the streets because his mother was, uh, a drug addict or something?. 

(That also happens.)

Or if you’re watching Indian in the Cupboard and the film opens with a little girl about to get raped by her dad.

(I’m serious.)

Or if you’re watching Hocus Pocus and Bette Midler is a vampire and she preys on a 6-year-old kid and neither of them have shirts on.

(I swear to god.)

Or if you’re reading a modern re-imagining of Peter Pan and the story involves blatant themes of gore in acute descriptive detail, mass murder, torture, and scenes with naked women and perverted fantasy-creature-men.

(Oh, wait.)

You’re probably thinking, “All those themes are found pretty much everywhere in every medium, especially the naked women and perverts. Big whoop.” I’ll add, then, all those themes, involving children.

Now you’re thinking, “Jenna don’t you love that movie Drag Me To Hell which involves a child being murdered within the first 2.5 minutes?”

Just hear me out and yes.

The Child Thief is entertaining in how CAPTIVATING the strangeness is. The tonal mishmash of kid-friendly meets rated-R is something I actually like, when it's a hit. I like things that have a quality of whimsy amidst dark themes. Movies such as Temple of Doom, Gremlins, Return to Oz, Darkman have this quality…basically almost every movie from the 1980s during the period when audiences had grown up with movies after censorship was abolished and half the world said “think of the children” and the other half said “no.” There are tons and tons of other examples in every medium of how general tonal contrast makes for unique and effective works of art. My point is, this specific type of tonal contrast also can be done well.

But those movies don’t open with attempted child rape, and they don’t end with children literally being mowed down in a grisly battle scene (I’m serious). I’m making a lot of comparisons to movies because the book almost feels like a movie, in that the author isn’t a novelist, he’s a visual story-maker who wrote a book because he knew that no movie studio would pick this shit up. Maybe the films I listed didn’t intend for tonal contrast to be a calculated driving element for their stories, but the subtlety of tones in those movies allows for one encompassing, harmonious tonal blanket to wrap them in. There is no subtlety in The Child Thief.

The tonal confusion of The Child Thief is, I almost wanna say coincidental. I think the author just didn’t know how to write well, but he’s a very dark visual guy and had all these dark visuals in his head ready to be unleashed. All the horrible violence and awful themes are fine in and of itself, but they aren’t earned if the attitude of “I’m gunna turn the children’s book foundation on its head” isn’t committed to, and “I’m gunna subvert everything you know and love about Peter Pan” isn’t calculatedly plotted out. The author has a bad sense of humor, a poor understanding of what is required of an epic storyline, and treats violence, horror and revenge less like a literary device and more like a fetishization of coolness in a vulgar display of power as a writer.

The misguidedness goes as far as the character writing. None of the characters’ motivations make sense. The author couldn’t keep track of either committing to one motivation or the other, a lot of the times for the sake of the plot. Especially with the Peter Pan character. He’s basically literally the anti-christ (this is 100% canon, if the author says it isn’t then he’s a liar and an idiot) and written like a “troubled villain” but then gets these VERY polarized directions of unrelenting psychopathic Cause It’s Die Motherfucka Die Motherfucka Still, Fool villainy and ham-fisted humanism and victimhood. It’s a case of like, the author meant for him to be the charming bad guy who tricks the audience into being on his side because that’s what Peter does to the characters in the book. But the author found him too cool and wanted to be his friend, but in order to justify being friends with a character who wants to murder everybody, he inappropriately gives him remorse and forces the reader to feel bad for him.

And like all the kids in the book are supposed to super love Peter Pan but the version of Neverland is like this horrific, NIGHTMARE HELL of a place and the kids are basically being used to fight in a war, and all the kids are totally okay with it, because their lives in the real world were really awful and the whole thing is that Peter “saves” them and they’ll do anything for him. And it’s like, okay???????????????????? But wouldn’t it be cooler if the kids were like okay this guy is a fucking psycho and Neverland is a horrific, nightmare hell and I’m learning a lot about myself right now having once trusted him???? And then in their retaliation Peter would show his true colors and enforce aggression onto them in serving as his personal enslaved militia? And it becomes like this inner circle of conflict? And since Peter is the only person who can bring them back to the real world, they play ball but hope to steer their own agenda out of the situation? OH, right, that DOES happen, but with ONE of the characters. ONE. Conveniently, the main character. And god knows there can’t be more than one smart human being at a time.

But if you want to SUBVERT the BELOVED CHILDREN’S STORY FORMAT wouldn’t it be fun to do PETER PAN VS. THE LOST BOYS? Instead of MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PETER PAN AND THE HOT TOPIC LOST BOYS VS. THE ONLY SEMI-SMART MAIN CHARACTER? Like wouldn’t it be GREAT if the characters WEREN'T DUMB? And the author put in some CONSTRUCTIVE, CHALLENGING CREATIVE EFFORT and treated the interactions like a CHESS GAME instead of a CONTRIVED MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN JOEY, ROSS, CHANDLER, RACHEL, MONICA AND THE OTHER ONE? Wouldn’t it be GREAT if ALL THE CHARACTERS TURNED AGAINST PETER but then Peter SLOWLY CHARMED SOME OR ALL OF THEM BACK IN, to make him MORE like an UNEARTHLY MONSTER? Like the lost boys became SELF-AWARE LITERAL VICTIMS OF THE ORIGINAL TALE FORMAT, where Peter Pain is this IMPOSSIBLY CHARMING CHARACTER THAT IS BELOVED BY THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE? ALSO, the MAIN CHARACTER is supposed to be the MODEL OF REASON FOR THE READER TO RELATE TO, but the main character still gets CHARMED BY PETER PAN, WHILE WE KNOW AS RATIONAL ADULTS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN? LIKE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HOW READING BOOKS IS? When we KNOW WHAT’S GUNNA HAPPEN? BUT THE AUTHOR WANTS TO BE PETER’S FRIEND SO HE DOES IT ANYWAY? AND LIKE SEVERAL OTHER CHARACTERS THAT THE MAIN CHARACTER IS FRIENDS WITH ARE ALSO SUPPOSED TO BE FIGURES OF REASON BUT THEY’RE ALSO 100% PARTISAN IN SIDING WITH PETER? SO IT’S LIKE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIKE ALL YOU DUMB, DUMB KIDS?

LIKE OKAY, SO HOW IT GOES IS THAT PETER CAN LIKE WALK ACROSS THE DIMENSION BETWEEN NEVERLAND AND THE REAL WORLD AND THAT'S HOW HE GETS THE KIDS? SO AT ONE POINT IN NEVERLAND THEY ALL HAVE TO SCAVENGE FOR FOOD BECAUSE THE VEGETATION IN NEVERLAND IS DYING, AND THEY MENTION HOW PETER USED TO BRING THEM FOOD FROM THE REAL WORLD? AND IT'S LIKE, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST KEEP DOING THAT? OR LIKE, WHY DON'T ANY OF YOU WANT TO JUST LEAVE? YEAH THE REAL WORLD SUCKS, BUT IS IT WORTH STARVING TO DEATH JUST SO YOU CAN STICK IT TO THE MAN? LIKE ARE THERE PEDIATRICIANS IN NEVERLAND? ARE THERE AT-RISK YOUTH SHELTERS? FOSTER CARE? NEVERLAND SOUP KITCHENS? NEVERLAND SOCIAL WORKERS? NEVERLAND CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES? NEVERLAND POLICE? NO? JUST MONSTERS THAT PAINFULLY KILL YOU, ZOMBIE PIRATES, NO FOOD, AND LITERALLY THE ANTI-CHRIST?

AND THEN THERE’S RIDICULOUS SHIT LIKE, AT ONE POINT ALL THESE MAGICAL FANTASY CHARACTERS HIJACK A NEW YORK CITY FERRY TO GET TO THE HARBOR AND IT’S LIKE, THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS IT SHOULD BE AWESOME, BUT IT ISN’T AWESOME BUT IT SHOULD BE SO WHY ISN’T IT?

AND LIKE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IS A FAT USELESS KID NAMED DANNY AND THERE IS NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE IN THE BOOK BESIDES TO BE THE TOKEN FAT USELESS KID NAMED DANNY?

BUT DANNY IS LIKE ALSO THE ONLY OTHER SMART CHARACTER IN THE BOOK BECAUSE HE’S LIKE WHY DID I SAY YES TO THIS WHY ARE WE STILL FOLLOWING THIS GUY WHY DON’T WE JUST LEAVE AND IT’S LIKE YEAH PUT DANNY IN CHARGE BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO HIM AND HE’S JUST COMPLETELY UTTERLY USELESS?

AND THEN CAPTAIN HOOK ADOPTS DANNY AND IT’S LIKE OH MY GOD THE AUTHOR FORGOT HE NEEDED TO GIVE DANNY SOMETHING TO DO?

AND LIKE I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAIN CHARACTER’S NAME?

AND THEN AT THE END OF THE BOOK, SO, THERE’S THIS BIG HUGE BATTLE SCENE WHERE CHILDREN DIE LEFT AND RIGHT, LIKE THE “ANTAGONIST” (NOT PETER) HAS A HUGE SWORD AND IS SWINGING AT THE KIDS LIKE HE’S HARVESTING WHEAT, OH AND YEAH, BY THE WAY, AGAIN, THE REAL WORLD IS LOCATED IN NEW YORK CITY AND THE BATTLE HAPPENS ON LIKE THE FRONT LAWN OF A LIBRARY OR SOMETHING. LIKE THE STORY KIND OF TOTALLY GOES OFF THE RAILS INTO FANTASTIC SCHLOCK. AND AT ONE POINT THE BATTLE IS ABRUPTLY INTERRUPTED BY NYC POLICE AND IT’S LIKE ARE YOU SHITTING MY NUTS THE NYC COPS ARE INVOLVED IN THIS FANTASY BATTLE THIS IS AMAZING, BUT THEN THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN AND IT GOES NOWHERE. AND ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE DYING, AND NONE OF THEM HAD ARCS, LIKE NONE OF THEM REALIZED WHAT THEY GOT THEMSELVES INTO OR WHAT PETER REALLY WAS, AND AT THE ACT 3 POST-LOW POINT THE MAIN CHARACTER DIDN’T GO OFF TO DO HIS OWN THING AND TRY TO SAVE THE DAY, HE JUST GOES WITH PETER TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, AND THEN HIS ARC IS BASICALLY NOTHING AND THEN HE DIES. AND *PETER* WINS. AND AGAIN HE’S LITERALLY THE ANTI CHRIST SO THE BOOK ENDS WITH HIM BRIDGING THE REAL WORLD WITH NEVERLAND, AND BASICALLY BEING THE BRINGER OF HELL UNTO THE EARTH. AND UP UNTIL THEN THE BOOK HAD ABOUT 68 INSTANCES OF THE READER SWITCHING BETWEEN FEELING BAD FOR PETER AND THEN ACCEPTING THAT HE IS HITLER NURSE RATCHED MAO STALIN. SO WHEN ALL THE KIDS DIE, HE HAS A SCENE OF FEELING REALLY BAD AND THE READER IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALL LIKE AW HE REALLY DOES CARE! AND THEN NEVERLAND GETS BRIDGED INTO NEW YORK CITY, AND HE’S LIKE HA HA HA HA I DID IT I WON. BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN SUCH A WAY THAT LIKE, THE AUDIENCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE, WHEEEEEE! LIKE THIS THING THAT HAPPENED IS THE DOOM OF MANKIND, AND THE TONE SHOULD REALLY BE “OH GOD NO.” BUT THE AUTHOR WAS HAPPY THAT PETER WON IN THE END BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE HIS FRIEND, EVEN THOUGH LIKE FIFTEEN PAGES AGO PETER CAUSED THE DEATH OF AN ARMY OF CHILDREN (AFTER ANOTHER 600 PAGES OF ALL KINDS OF OTHER AWFUL SHIT). SO NOT ONLY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAD THAT PETER FEELS SAD, BUT THEN WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL HAPPY THAT PETER FEELS HAPPY. HOW ABOUT GO FUCK YOURSELF? HOW ABOUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE PETER A CHALLENGING UNRELIABLE ANTI-HERO, DON’T MAKE HIS DARK QUALITIES SO INCONTESTABLY EVIL, OR, EITHER CHOOSE TO MAKE PETER HATED BY THE AUDIENCE, OR MAKE THE AUDIENCE FEEL FOOLISH FOR BEING CHARMED BY PETER AND PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE BAD SHIT THAT HAPPENED AND GO FUCK YOURSELF?

...

I’ll give a different example of both tonal incongruence and bad character writing.

So, the opening scene of the book that involves attempted child rape, so. What happens is that Peter saves the little girl in time by killing the dad, and gains her trust to go to Neverland. The way the story regards the introduction to Peter is that of wonder and curiosity through the little girl’s eyes, as if it was derived from the original children’s tale. So the opener is meant to establish: a gritty “realness” to the book (which is never earned but i digress), and Peter as a mysterious magical hero. Then, the story carries on into describing Peter’s motivation in saving (the book uses “stealing”) children, which vaguely mentions his villainous indulgence (he’s saving children to recruit them in an army in Neverland to fight captain hook because his mommy is the president of neverland and there’s almost-Oedipal themes going on). Fine. However, the cadence of Peter actually being villainous is very very…undermined. Like the actual voice of the NARRATION is misinformed. Like the narration sounds more like Peter’s inner monologue speaking in the third person. Like the third person is in on it. Like the author is painting Peter as this wicked wrongdoer as if it’s a cool thing and he wants to be his friend (Oh wait).

This is how the voice of the opener is handled: Child rape —> Peter prevents child rape and saves child —> Peter is a good guy for doing this —> Peter is still a good guy for doing this but he did it maybe not for the right reasons. As it turns out, Peter is unquestionably the bad guy. Peter was the bad guy from the start, Peter was the bad guy while he was saving the little girl.

The rest of the book is handled like this: Peter is cool and badass  —> Peter is mischievous but still the person we want to follow —> Peter is a psycho...but still cool —> Oh shit Peter has a super awful past and his psycho-ness is the result of being a victim so I forgive him —> Wow Peter’s both a psycho and an asshole—> Okay I dunno about Peter —> The author keeps having Peter save people from being raped as if he’s not an asshole but he’s still a psycho and an asshole so I still don’t know —> The plot has a a lot of stuff so I guess I’m still with Peter —> Okay Peter won but everyone is dead because of him and he’s still an asshole so I still don’t know.

Peter tricks victims of rape, abuse, slavery, etc. into thinking they’re being saved when in fact he objectifies them for his personal needs. Remember how I said this book’s insane tonal confusion isn’t subtle? Well, from the book’s perspective, putting a finger on Peter’s good side and bad side...is subtle. Problematically subtle. Which, on a literary standpoint, sounds like a good thing, but...

This is the part when I say the thing you ACTUALLY SHOULDN’T BE SUBTLE ABOUT is PETER. You CAN be subtle about his tragic backstory. Be subtle about sprinkling his good qualities over his CAKE TOWER of BADNESS. Give him some KICK. Have the flavors INTERACT. Make the audience be like “OOOH, is that cumin?? Interesting! HMMMM! INTERESTING! CUMIN! ON DORITOS! YEAh I am definitely eating Doritos, this is absolutely Doritos, but there’s some CUMIN in there! Okay, back to eating my DORITOS! OOOOH, IS THAT CAYENNE?????” But whatever you do, make it CLEAR what you are SERVING. You should not have a MIXED BAG, a MEDLEY, and try to sell it like not-a-medley. You should NOT make half your plate super spicy and half your plate super sweet and make the audience roll the dice on each bite they take. Peter Pan isn’t some complexass Faustian character study, it’s SUBVERSIVE HYPERVIOLENT DARK FANTASY PORN. IT’S DORITOS

This is how the voice of the opener should've been handled: Child rape —> Peter prevents child rape and saves child —> Peter is the bad guy.

This is how the voice of the rest of the book should've been handled: No matter what happens —> Peter is the bad guy.

I don’t have and never will have the literary criticism credentials to say anything with credible boldness, but I’m going to say this anyway: Using child rape to force the reader to feel a certain way about the tone of the world and the first heroic impression of a character is wrong. Forcing an act of heroism (especially for you to then later say “Just kidding not the hero”) in that context is inappropriate and wrong. That’s like throwing 9/11 into the background of a love story to force the audience to feel extra emotional. 1) There are many, many, many, many ways you can establish “realness” in your opener with or without violence. I’m not saying there is a hierarchy of what kind of awful things involving children are okay to write about, but opening your story with attempted child rape is an unnecessary extreme if parts of your story reads like an episode of Saved By The Bell. Revenge alone isn’t cool. John Wick is cool because of the way revenge is handled. Writing about attempted child rape and then immediate revenge on the rapist is the Epipen-shot-to-the-brain method of forcibly getting your audience to go “I LIKE PETER!”, which isn’t at all earned and probably shouldn’t be in your story… 2) ESPECIALLY if you don’t simultaneously establish with slats nailed on a wall that Peter is the bad guy. The author basically deceived the audience into liking Peter in the worst way possible, ironically, which is what he had Peter do to the other characters. If you want to cleverly deceive the audience into liking Peter, do it through his dialogue, personality, the externalized product of the relationship between him and his environment. Be inventive about it. It’s a book. You got words. Use...words to your advantage. If you want to open your story with attempted child rape at the very least as a way to tell the audience this shit’s serious, don’t.

Just don’t. It’s fine.

The Child Thief can’t be pinned as So Bad It’s Good. It’s poor, but it’s not Tommy Wiseau-acclaim-bad. The only way I can describe it is So Disorderly It’s Weird. But it has potential for being SO Weird It’s Kind Of Genius. Which makes it So Almost SO Weird It’s Kind Of Genius It’s Frustrating.

The book’s biggest detriment is that it takes itself too seriously. The author’s motivating in writing the book (this is fact) was that he recognized that the beloved original tale of Peter Pan has a lot of dark elements, but continues to be celebrated as a children’s story. And he wanted to take that notion and run with it. What happened was that he selectively fell in love with elements of that concept, and instead of writing a story that was meant to pull the rug from under us, he ended up writing a run-of-the-mill edgy dark fantasy that he was obliged to pepper with Peter Pan references. Instead of pulling the entire rug beneath our feet and hauling us onto our asses, he took a small handful of rug here and there and just occasionally tugged at it roughly, so that we’d almost lose our balance and get annoyed and tell him to stop.

The book lacks its own conceptual self-awareness that it built for itself, and the result is two different bodies trying to be forcibly shoved into the same book-sized box, when it should’ve been a new gross, satirical, humorous, unique body entirely.

In that sense, I really think this book could’ve been truly unironically awesome. I love the idea of cartoonishly exaggerating the dark elements (especially the violence) of the original tale that have been culturally ignored, like a lot of (or most) (or all) old children’s tales. My ideal solution to this book would actually be making it even more ridiculous in every way, but strung together with self-awareness and intention, where the author could acknowledge that the absurdity is instrumental, not indulgent. There are many aspects of the book that I really like thematically, and none of them are fully (or at all) seen through to their potential. These ideas aren’t really intentionally presented in the book, but: I like the idea that Peter is a sadistic volatile killing machine because he’s cursed with being riiiiiight on the cusp of hitting puberty, and his body is trapped without that natural sexual/psychological release, turning him into an aggressive animal constantly teased by unfulfilled subconscious heat. I like the idea that the lost boys element would be subverted into an inevitable Lord of the Flies esque shitstorm. I like the idea that the danger and villainy are at first generalized in adults but eventually presented in the children. I like the idea that every single possible fucking thing in the world—both the real world (mostly nyc LoL!) and Neverland—are a threat and are actively trying to kill the children, and the children treat it like an adventure before the horror becomes real. I like the idea of illustrating the outcome of blindly following fun naive figures of leadership. There are even a number of character interaction scenes that I like format wise. Just minus the embarrassing dialogue. That stuff's easy to rewrite in your head as you read it. Also I would take out that part in the book that I described as Bette Midler not having a shirt on while preying on a 6 year old. That part was really fucking uncomfortable. Seriously wtf, Gerald Brom.

I must concede this notion: The writer didn’t set out to create a masterpiece. He wrote the book to have fun. He succeeded, and his readers expected the same thing and received the experience they wanted. Of all the things that could’ve landed in my hands and tickled me in a weird enough way to make me wish it was better, for some reason it had to be this.

I could keep going, but...eh, (sigh).

But lastly—again, the descriptive writing of the world is very lush, and at times effectively horrific. The reading experience is a constant stop and start call-and-response of really great potential, really clumsy writing, and really misunderstood tonal directions. All those things put this book directly on the edge of FRUSTRATING. Uniquely frustrating. It couldn’t have been salvaged by the hands of a more competent writer, because the product came to light specifically out of the author’s unintentional confusion, not his laziness. A lazy product with potential can be salvaged through additions and tweaks, but The Child Thief cannot because the story was seen through the way it existed in the author’s head and heart. It is exactly what it...is. It can’t be imitated, or inspired by, or re-re-imagined. This weirdass fucking book is just sitting on this planet, being read by people, and shit. 

…..Anyway. This was all just meant to be the caption for my fan art. http://jennacha.tumblr.com/post/172559227502/i-made-fan-art-of-a-book-i-both-love-and-hate-lol