#anyway got hit with a double whammy I was so mad

[princesscallyie]

It’s seem like I can’t escape the “people don’t want to come to work so now I gotta do their mess” shenanigans…

[mysynthfetish]

Omicron and on and on and on and on

What was that 90s song, "Onward ever ever on, destination Eschaton," Shamen or something? Weird how I recall random shit like that but ask me what I had for dinner yesterday and I'm like duhhrrrr... but anyway so yeah Omicron got me.

So that was fucking loads of fun. I've had three vaccinations so far. Time came for the 4th and I was like nah. So would I have caught this if I'd went and had that vaccination? Who knows. Anyway, I felt kinda funky Friday, then Friday night around 2am the fever hit and hit hard. Chills and cold sweat while simultaneously burning up with fever, and my knees and lower back were screaming, what the hell? Took some Target brand Advil, one of the staple take-back-to-japan things I buy when in the US, fever went down. Went to the local PCR test center, result was negative. Hmmm? But then Sunday it was roller coaster fun between normalcy and feverishness, headache, and then the sore throat from hell started. Seriously the worst sore throat I've ever had. So I went to the local outpatient clinic and did the double whammy flu/covid two-for-the-price-of-one test and welliwelliwell, positive. Doc said I probably did the first test too early or the reliability of the test I took was questionable. I don't care which. Told the doc about the sore throat and he was like "ah, omicron!" So he gave me these drops you flip in a glass and then dilute with water and gargle with, check the color of this shit out:

Funky! If I wasn't half out my head at the time I woulda busted out the UV LED flashlight I have and seen if it glowed. Shit worked wonders though. Wife went on full panic mode. Basically sequestered me off in the gear room and forbid me to come out except to use the loo, after which I have to wipe down everything with disinfectant flushable wipes, or to use the shower after everyone else has gone, then she goes in with a spray bottle of bleach and douses the entire bath/shower unit. Gotta wear a mask and plastic gloves when I leave the room. Madness. All this and my older daughter still caught it. Unavoidable really. And I offered to fuck off to a business hotel for the duration but no that costs money. Hmph. Anyway... Hell of a way to end the year.

Yay officer K's spinner from Bladerunner 2049. I've been watching that movie on repeat for the past three weeks now. And the original, both theatrical release and final cut versions, of course. I'm very intrigued by the sound design and soundtrack. They had some serious shoes to fill following Vangelis with the original, but I think they did damn good. I'd love to know what they used as far as synths/softsynths go, effects too. The piano at the start of the film sounds like it was run through an Eventide processor, the H9 and the H3000 I had way back when did stuff like that, reverb and reversed, pitched delays. Super neat but not cheap.

Well I hope you peeps out there had a better end of the year than we're having here right now. Who knows what madness awaits in 2023. More shenanigans for sure. Be well, and remember, слава україні, путін хуйло, йована русня!

[osteocupcake]

I don’t know what happened. I just got a feeling like something was off. I guess that went really old school.

Don’t you think that’s kind of strange?

Well, anyway, how about the twinkling now the only people you have to fight are African-American, jealous women

Said twinkly… oh me? A little Brian never hurt anybody I guess said brine.

Brian, fuck off oh my god you’re not even half as cute as Rama Murthy oh fuck him well I can’t say that I can’t it’s a double whammy of I’m just really old-fashioned Olga and Robin Murphy both gonna hit

The fuck are you gonna do

I don’t know I’m going to talk to the doctor and tell them that I’m being bullied by people in Hollywood Robin Murphy

OK they do understand that you and I share some cheese sometimes

Said chi

Yeah, but if we actually have that in common and particularly when you get two kinds of people in the room together, and they start giggling like that, that’s not a line, he can cross that’s not fair we are the ones getting cheese with that dialogue

And we are attracting women from Downunder, so that we can save all of the Colby’s

See, and just like a mad woman, it goes right back around to little william

Robin is important though that’s a very very important person so I giggled and then I went like oh wait

But not if he’s a douche bag I’m seeing multiple things and I don’t know what to make up some of what I’m seeing so I guess it’s just not my business

I already said yesterday that a lot of people are bad and then people are like no you’re bad no, you’re bad and then women are protecting each other in these weird ways but you look super twinkly. I love some of what I see I just feel violated with the shirt thing.

[gra-sonas]

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the malex scene if you don’t mind! I am completely obsessed with it and I have this thing where I love to read people and blog’s I respect opinions on stuff and sometimes I see different moments through a different lense and realize something I didn’t pick up on before. Did you have a favorite moment or facial expression or anything like that??

"Obsessed" is putting it mildly, IT'S SO GOOD!!!

Okay, lemme see. [this got LONG, sorry]

So, Michael is convinced that he's the one who's going to be killed, and since he's learned that he's likely the offspring of a "genocidal maniac", he's probably convinced himself that he actually deserves to die, bc his life's been a shit show most of the time anyway, and better get rid of him before he can hurt anyone, right? But since he's Michael, he has to make it a joke, and pretend like it doesn't actually bother him all that much. COWBOY SWAGGER

And instead of being devastated about the news, or confirming that yes, Michael is indeed an awful person and deserves to be murdered, Alex laughs!

He knows Michael so well, and he's like "dude, you're not even trying, that's not the Michael Guerin I know."

Oh, but two can play that game, right? "Well, you always did see the violence in me, didn't you," Michael throws at Alex. And while, yes, Alex struggled with Michael getting in fights all the time after the shed incident, I don't believe for a second that he ever thought of Michael as a violent person.

So, Alex is like "WTF are you talking about???"

Ohhhh, now Michael's firing (ha!) on all cylinders, he's serving Alex a double-whammy:

"I could never do the right thing" (i.e. 1x03 "Guess you're still the guy just looking for any excuse to walk away, huh?")

"Turns out neither could my father." THE DADDY CARD! Bc if anyone would know about having a shitty dad, it would be Alex.

Alex is mildly irritated about how Michael would know about his father, but Michael won't go into how he found out, all it matters is that Alex gets it. Fast. "He was a killer. Genocidal maniac, actually." That should do the trick of shocking Alex, right? It should make him stop being amused and so fucking nonchalant about Michael's struggles.

And what does Alex do? He laughs. Again! How does he not take Michael seriously? How dare he? Michael's so full of rage, and he wants to fight now, but Alex doesn't do what he's supposed to do, and Michael doesn't know how to handle it.

Alex sees right through Michael. And he's clapping back.

"Wow, you must've loved that." Hitting the bullseye with that one.

"You've been looking for proof that you were worthless your whole life." BAM, this one's also spot-on!

But Michael still has a lot of fight left in him. Self-deprecation FTW! "What can I say? I had a hunch."

Michael "I'VE BEEN TERRIBLE ALL ALONG" Guerin

Surely, now Alex has to understand what Michael's telling him, and show some goddamn compassion, or leave (which would give Michael the ultimate excuse to explode and be even more mad).

Alex is just setting up the ultimate trap tho. "Look, if you're your father, then I'm mine. Which means I have a lot of torturing to do before the end of the night, so excuse me."

Even a genius like Michael will get the ~logic of this argument.

And Michael's like

"It's not, it's not the same," Michael says, because, HELL NO, of course, Alex is NOT his father.

"No, it is. I hate to break it to you, Guerin, but there's not some special set of rules that applies just to you. You decide who you are. If you give up, it is on you." Alex beats Michael with logic (and also tells him to stop with the self-loathing and self-pity), and damn if that isn't the most beautiful thing.

🤯 << Michael's brain after this. All the anger that had been fueling him mere moments ago, seems to have left his body in that moment.

He looks at Alex, who's getting into his car to drive off while mulling over what Alex just said. He turns around to leave and...

Alex tells him to wait, and Michael's curls are getting whiplash from how fast Michael turns back around to Alex. He's ready and willing to let Alex continue with hammering home some truths to him.

A "Wait. In Maria's vision, I say that I am covering up a murder, right?" M "Yeah." A "It's not you." M "You can't know that."

Uhm, hello, have you met Alex Manes? He wouldn't say that it's not Michael if he wasn't sure of it. But Michael's certain that there's no way it isn't him, so really, what proof could Alex possibly have?

"Yes, I can. If it were you, I would not cover it up."

The face of a man who can't believe what Alex just said, trying to swallow around a huge lump in his throat. 🥺

And then.

And then.

AND THEN

"I would burn the entire world down first."

🥺😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺😭

HE'S CRYING OMGGGGGG 😭😭😭😭 (Damn you, Vlamis for acting with your face like that 😭😭😭)

That's as close to Alex saying I LOVE YOU (present tense) as they've ever come [on screen], and Michael knows it. And fuck, if that doesn't hit him deep down, to the very core of him. (It's also a signal that there's probably still hope for them, and maybe, just maybe their time has finally come)

And the other thing is: Alex just made a point in telling him that A/ children are NOT their parents (unless they want to), and B/ there's actually a good chance that it's really not Michael getting murdered.

So, yeah. I want a gravestone that can play videos, and I want it to play this scene on repeat for all of eternity. Please and thank you!

[mcjour]

ok

set the scene: we were eating dinner

lol

she turns to me and asks me a question. it was something along the lines of like do you miss your dad or do you feel sad on fathers day or something.

which ughhhhhhhhh this is NOT dinnertime conversation. but i could tell where this was coming from. her dad passed away about 2 years ago. so fathers day is still kinda raw for her. 

and she said that. not in those words exactly. but she said she was in the area and she stopped at the cemetery so she was wondering. 

so i was a little annoyed but i went along with it. whatever. and told her the truth. that i really don’t think about him and i forget fathers day is even a thing. so not really. unless i like really sit down and think about it. and then it’s kinda sad yeah.

maybe i’m forgetting a transition or something but the next thing i remember is she’s like yeah, i remember when you were in high school. and you posted on social media about him taking you on a lake and feeling uncomfortable.

and boy was i seeing red!!!!! i was literally SHAKING that was how angry i was.

you see, i did not post that on social media. or i guess i did. i posted it on tumblr. which idk, yes, is a form of social media, but is a different, more anonymous form of social media. but i was using tumblr as my diary. (like i literally am right now lol). maybe that’s stupid, bla bla bla nothing’s really anonymous, putting stuff on internet forever. WHATEVER. 

i already got mad about this before when it first happened. when she first let slip that she read my tumblr. back when i was in high school. i literally ran away when that happened. so violated. i had no reason to think that someone in my house was opening up my tumblr account and scrolling around and reading through all my posts???? what the fuck??? 

Like I said, that was my diary. that was my rawest thoughts. she was so pissed at me back then, because i would write about her. uhhhhh what else would you write in a diary about????? i’m not broadcasting this to the world. i only had a small amount of active followers. not many from real life, maybe a handful. and most of them were friends anyway. so it’s not like i’m telling my cousins or the town or idk who the hell she thinks i was talking to. nobody. i was just talking to me. if literally one person wanted to read and “like” my post, good, i appreciate the validation. at least somebody was listening (uhhh .. i could say something here but i won’t). but like, i swear to god it was basically a private diary, for me.

and a journal/diary was so important for me back then. i was really truly fucked up and i needed to clear my mind. process on paper. and honestly her snooping really fucked me up. because what used to be my safe processing was now destroyed. deemed unsafe. my world was flipped upside down. my secrets, my vulnerable thoughts?

why didn’t i do it on paper? clearly bitch is a snoop! nothing was safe. yeah i could tear it up afterwards but i wouldn’t be surprise if she jigsaw puzzled it back together. also that defeats the purpose. i didn’t know it at the time, granted, but cptsd means my memory is utter shit. i appreciate reading through those old posts now because frankly i wouldn’t remember any of it otherwise. and tumblr vs microsoft word? again, someone could easily snoop through a word doc. and like i said, i really didn’t think anyone else would not only think to go onto tumblr, but then to have to figure out how to navigate to my blog, and then find my posts among like the stupid ass memes. like..????????? what

and actually now that i think about it, i wonder what other ways she snooped. like i stayed logged into facebook, did she read my facebook? when the hell did she even have the time for this anyway?

so anyway, i remember the post she was referring to. my dad moved to this house across the street from a lake. and he took me out on a boat. and it was just me and him. and i was kinda weirded out. i think i had just learned the dark history of my family or whatever LOL. so thinking about how he was actually a r*pist. so i think i was sitting in the boat being like oh great, like i’m literally in the middle of the lake with nowhere to run to, he could just r*pe me here and i couldn’t do anything about it.

ok. i know. that’s a big leap. but i was what, 17? and dealing with and processing a lot of shit. And like i said, i had just learned all this bad stuff about him. maybe it was the first time i had seen him since then? i don’t know

regardless... i wrote about it because duh processing. it was a very vulnerable raw thing like i said. it was such a stupid post. or maybe i think that now that i was “caught”

anyway..... i was mad. i still am mad. i was pissed when it happened and now i’m pissed knowing she read A LOT and pissed knowing that she has been holding onto all of those things that she read for all of those years. i mean, i guess i wouldn’t have expected her to magically forget but what the FUCK

and so yeah that was a traumatic experience in 2014 and here i am reliving it in 2021. like i said, literally shaking

i don’t know how i held it together but i did. i wanted to yell at her for violating my privacy (do you know she had the AUDACITY last time to say that i “left it up on the computer” BULL FUCKING SHIT. I mean i didn’t log out, that’s true. but i would NEVER be so careless as to leave tumblr open on the computer, least of all on a personal post like that!!). and thank god i didn’t say anything because i am sure she would have echoed the same thing about how i ~left it up~ or whatever BS. 

god i’m getting enraged typing this out

and a shame too, we were eating leftover chinese food, which is always good. i had already eyed the seconds i was planning to grab. but now i was nauseous and lost my appetite.

then she was going on about how he used to be a great dad when we were little and like yeah when i was little i would’ve agreed. we played barbies or whatever the fuck. but nowadays i know better. so i’m like um well even when he was a good dad he was a bad dad. and shes like what do you mean? and i told her the ~classic tale~ about how my dad tried to tell us about his sister and i was 3 or something so i asked a dumbass question and i remember hiding under the table from him and my brother has told me “oh yeah that’s when he threw me at the wall.” so like .... yeah... i told her that story

and then she has shocked pikachu face!!! wanted to slap that right off lol. because part of me thinks there is no way she didn’t know/ hadn’t heard that story. fuck off. but ok, maybe she genuinely hasn’t, give her the benefit of the doubt. well jeez what’s so shocking about it????? you knew he was abusive so?????? like why would it be surprising that that happened. oh yeah, it’s not.

anyway idk what i expected. i think she said like “oh wow i didn’t know that” or something. and then went on and talked about his sister, talked about his dad, how she got in a fight with him over a newspaper article????? whatever. ok. so this was never about me at all. you didn’t care to listen to what my answers were. you just wanted to talk about you and your dad and literally anything else.

so i get hit with the double whammy. the privacy violation flashback with one hand, the use as a therapist and exploit your trauma with the other

so yes, i was shaking. by the time i was going to clear my plate, i was near tears. thankfully was able to hold them in (but never let them out after.. oops). but by the time i got upstairs i really couldn’t breathe properly.

strangely but luckily, my cat was already on the bed waiting for me. i mean, she is on my bed all the time, it isn’t SUPER strange. but usually she goes straight under the bed and comes out from under eventually (*at this specific time of day LOL). god i love her and how she always knows what i need. so i was able to pet her and stuff.

um but yeah i’ve been in a slog since then. like couldn’t really sleep and all that. i just...ugh.

[gaaradreamer]

Power Rangers Movie Positive Rant (mostly)

WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS AND GUSHING! ALSO SOME CRITICISM! Okay for those of you who haven't seen it I'd suggest it. It's worth it as long as you expect what it which surprisingly most people don't seem to understand. It was a reboot. That means it's going to have just as corny silly stuff as the original but it's 2017 and it's time to add some depth. And MAN did it add depth! But I went to the movie expecting that kind of reboot. There are some problems and I'm going to post some spoilers. I know sometimes I need to know what's going to happen to give a movie a chance. So if you're like me about that or maybe just this movie here you go, problems you should be aware of: 1. The white guy leads. There are 5 characters with different genders and colors of skin but the 1 white guy becomes the leader. The only reason this isn't a deal breaker is because of what they do with the rest. I'll put that later though. 2. For all the proper diversity there really is only one black person. I'm not even sure there were extras. I would count his mom but we litterally only see a blip of her. 3. The tones are a struggle if you don't get the reason but basically suits are on it gets silly (but also cool! Especially if you loved the show!) suits are off and it gets serious. 4. Product placement. Completely shameless product placement. I used to work for Krispy Kreme and considering how low tech old fashioned a business they were and especially considering our usual customers were almost always over 50, I actually think it was a smart choice. And I'm impressed by not only the choice but how they made their selves so integral to the actual plot. But it is blatant annoying and distracting. I just understand why they did it. 5. Good writing but bad writing. OK everyone has an origin. Everyone is well explained. Everyone reacts to their origin realistically. Every origin is not only beautiful it actually made some skeptical viewers cry. BUT we don't exactly get to see these way more emotionally interesting stories. We see them keep secrets then reveal it later and we see again realistic reactions but we get seconds of them actually going through it. 6. If you're a hard core fan and you're just here for the suits I'd suggest sending in a friend who can come get you when they FINALLY get them on because almost the whole movie is about them learning how to get the damn things on. I wouldn't have minded but it did piss me off when there were plenty of opportunities. They have to be connected and care about each other or no suits. K fine but they show many instances of caring about each other where they should have put the suits on, but didn't. And you can't tell me it's because they weren't trying because one of them did it on accident first. Because he cared about the entire team. If that's the rules then they should have put the suits on right after the campfire scene! Alright those are the only real problems. Here are the reasons you should go see it anyway: 1. Damn with the shock value! These guys know how to make the "dead always come back and main characters never die" thing actually shocking! Even though you know they can't kill that guy off or the world's not really going to end somewhere in the back of your head, this movie knows how to make you doubt it. They ACTUALLY make you worry about the world and the good guys! 2. Damn the depth! I mean I know we said we don't get to see it but what we know and do see means this movie isn't afraid to hit everything​ it can. Not all the rangers are perfect people who are just misunderstood. These are teenagers who act like teenagers. They do stupid stuff. They lash out. They have attitude and good reason for it. They have moments of doubt. There is more to Rita than in the show (don't get too excited she's brushed over too). She's the villian if you haven't seen the show. There's more to Zordon.(sp?) He's the guide​ and if you haven't seen the show and you don't know what that means it means he's the Dumbledore or professor X of the story although he's not great at it because of his own depth. There's just so many emotional story points and there really is a good story here. 3. Damn the excellent diversity! This needs to be here as a general but I'm going to address each one because they all really deserve their own reasons. They were handled perfectly! I addressed the ONLY representation problems but imo they mad up with just how many problems people usually have with deversity in movies or TV they completely obliterate. I gaurentee you will feel represented and as an actual person if you are black, gay or have a mental disorder. The usual things you see just aren't there with sadly the exception of the 1st 2 things I mentioned. But dude you don't understand. 4. The black guy is THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER! And is BLATANT my friend. He has the best lines, the most lines and is genuinely the best person in the group. He's really the only one who always has pure unselfish intentions and he is the most accepting person. He basically is the plot all by himself. He is the 1st to get his suit. He finds out where the important thing is, BIGGEST MAJOR SPOILER! LOOK FOR "END SPOILER" IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE!!! He's the one who dies but he doesn't stay dead so no not that trope either. END SPOILER. He is responsible for uniting them as a team oh! And did I mention he is a genious and if he doesn't have the most screen time he steals the show so much it feels like it. If there's anyone you're not going to forget it's him. 5. Ok this is the same character but Damn! Double whammy representation. This guy is also AUTISTIC! Don't get me wrong I don't know anyone who is autistic but I was almost diagnosed with autism as both my parents thought I might be and some doctors wondered but some basic questions proved that no I was just extremely ADD which is thought to be on the same scale and if that's true I definitely found myself relating to the guy. I THINK it was correct but I honestly don't know. Here's what I DO know they got right. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't "oh look this guys wrong in the head and it's funny just because of that" It also wasn't pure sympathy or a crutch that makes you feel like life is impossible. It wasn't "oh poor little autistic kid can't make friends or take care of himself or have a normal life" Yes he had some comic relief loosely based on his condition but mostly he was just funny. His condition was a TRAIT AND NOT A PERSONALITY! And that just made it amazing to watch! 6. The lesbian with no girlfriend. I have to say it most of the time of a lesbian is involved it means they can never be single and it's all about the sex or making out. It's pandering which I actually is a good thing but to the wrong people. This movie doesn't pretend being a lesbian means you're some sex driven goddess. You're not guaranteed to flirt with every girl. You're not guaranteed a girlfriend. You don't have a giant obvious sign saying "hey girls just so you know I'm lesbian if you're looking for one and guys back off!" And you don't necessarily have or ever get the courage to tell your over conforming family. and even if they probably wouldn't approve that doesn't mean they're awful or abusive they just aren't likely to understand. We see her parents and her mom definitely needs to take a chill pill but otherwise it's a normal kind family. 7. The other 2 aren't white and there's barely a comment on their diversity. There's literally one line and if you blink you'll miss it. They don't toot their own horn or talk about the importance or problems of diversity and honesty if you're not looking you won't notice. It's a story not a political move. 8. Alpha 5 kicks ass! He doesn't change much from the source material but I remember the 1 thing that bothered me about him was how pathetic he was. He was like the scare damsel in the show. He'd get scared and the rangers get defensive. Nope! The 1st thing he does is drag one of them like a ragdoll. They try to fight him and they get their collective asses kicked! I would actually love to see him fight Rita it might be a fairer fight than you 1st think. 9. Fanservice! Yes they do the group walk. Yes they fight the minions. Yes they get the zords (sp?). Yes they make a giant robot to fight a giant monster and yes the stake are high but it's still silly and it's still action packed 10. Learning curve. Weird new thing they don't automatically know what they're doing! 11. The playoff at the end. The knowing smiles when they listen to their families gush over all of the power rangers and know each color. 12. Nothing is magically better. The sick are still sick. The judgemental remain that way. And the hurt aren't magically forgiving. But everyone is on a "that was unbelievable and awesome" high.

[pitz182]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

[emlydunstan]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://www.spiritualriver.com/alcoholism/feel-peace-decision-get-sober/

[alyssamanson5]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from http://www.spiritualriver.com/alcoholism/feel-peace-decision-get-sober/

[haileyjayden3]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from http://www.spiritualriver.com/alcoholism/feel-peace-decision-get-sober/

[bobbiejwray]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241842 http://ift.tt/2AKp8B5

[alexdmorgan30]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://ift.tt/2AKp8B5

[roberrtnelson]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241843 http://ift.tt/2AKp8B5

[violetsgallant]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241844 http://ift.tt/2AKp8B5

[jaylazoey]

How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober

The decision to get clean and sober is often full of anxiety initially.

Why is this the case?

For me, part of it was that I was using alcohol and other drugs in order to medicate my anxiety. This anxiety was already there, and when I went for a few days without drinking, not only would the old anxiety return due to sobriety, but one of the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal is…..you guessed it: anxiety.

So you have to realize, as a struggling alcoholic, that anxiety while getting sober is going to be a bit of a double whammy.

I did not want to accept this for a long time. I knew that when I stopped drinking for a few days that I had a terrible amount of anxiety, and I was afraid to deal with it. I was actually anxious about being anxious. How ridiculous, right?

So at some point I had to make peace with the fact that if I was going to get through early sobriety and come out on the other side of it then I was going to have to face some fear. I had to accept that fear that I knew was coming in early sobriety.

Going to inpatient treatment was part of this. I had been to rehab before, so I was not actually afraid of the rehab process itself, but I was still afraid of facing the world without the crutch of alcohol. I was afraid of facing my emotions again, of having to feel my emotions.

The idea of checking into a residential treatment center can be anxiety inducing, but I knew that when I got there I would settle in to the place and not be all that anxious any more. Being in treatment is actually pretty easy. Once you are there it is not so bad. The key is in making the decision to actually go, which may not really be a decision at all in the traditional sense. Rather, what you are seeking is the state of surrender, so that you can move past the fear and allow yourself to finally seek help for your problem.

Meaning that you are currently stuck between two things: Your desire to be sober and free, and your fear of it. Or, to be even more specific, the struggle is between the suffering and chaos and misery that you are experiencing in life due to your addiction, and your fear of sobriety.

So when I was at my worst in my addiction, I knew darn well that I had a serious problem and that alcohol and drugs were possibly going to kill me. I could no longer deny that fact. I was a mess, and I knew it. I was not in denial about this. I openly admitted that I was seriously addicted to alcohol and that it might kill me.

However, I was still stuck in denial. Why?

I was stuck in denial because I did not believe that “the solution” would work for me. I thought that I was different, that I was unique, that I was the only person in the world who truly loved alcohol and drugs this freaking much. And I also thought that I would be forever afraid of treatment, of AA meetings, of facing life without a buzz of some kind.

Therefore my mind recoiled in horror at the idea of getting clean and sober and going to rehab and attending AA meetings. I was terrified of all of it, and I could not possibly make peace with the decision. My family and friends would say things like: “Aren’t you sick and tired of all this? Why not just surrender and go to rehab and start attending AA meetings and rebuild a better life for yourself? Why not just do that?”

And the answer to that was, really:

I am too afraid too.

Alcoholism and drug addiction were painful. It was self induced madness and it was misery and chaos. The consequences were painful and living a life of addiction was a nightmare. Eventually, as the disease progressed and got worse and worse, there was nothing left that was good about it. The fun times were long gone, and now it was just a necessity to self medicate every day.

But I stayed stuck due to the awful fear, the anxiety that kept me stuck in addiction.

Looking back now it is easy to see the double whammy for what it was. Before I discovered alcohol and drugs I was shy and I had a bit of anxiety anyway. But alcohol withdrawal produces a lot of anxiety on top of this, so that really kept me stuck in fear. I was paralyzed when it came to the thought of quitting drinking. My mind shut down in horror when people suggested rehab, AA, total abstinence, or anything of the sort.

So what happened? How did I eventually get sober?

What happened is that I finally hit bottom. Enough of the enablers in my life were either gone or out of town for a few weeks, and I was content to just sit alone in my apartment and drink myself into a stupor. Only I wasn’t really content with this.

I thought that this was what I wanted–to be left alone and allowed to drink as much as I wanted.

And yet there I was, completely miserable.

I don’t know if you can arrange for this kind of moment to happen. It just happened. I had finally had enough, and the universe had finally lined up the right circumstances for me, and my higher power said “it’s time. Let’s get this kid sober.”

However you want to spin it, I was just finally done drinking. I had the sudden realization in that moment of clarity (while drinking 151 proof liquor, no less) that this just wasn’t any fun any more. And I realized too that it wasn’t going to suddenly become fun again. The fun times were over. And suddenly I realized this and saw the truth in it. Suddenly I realized that if I continued to drink and use drugs that I would just be chasing my tail forever, a few brief moments of happiness with the buzz followed by hours or days of misery.

And so that is how I finally surrendered to the fact that I did not want to drink any more. And at that moment I agreed to go get help, to go back to rehab and I knew in the back of my mind that I would face the fear and the anxiety of going to meetings, of going to rehab, of being put on the spot to talk at AA, or whatever was in store for me. I knew about the fear and the anxiety and I just did not care any more. I was so sick and tired of being afraid.

I was tired of being afraid.

So I made the decision to get help and to face the fear. I made the decision to face the anxiety because the alternative was to endure more pain and suffering and chaos at the hands of addiction. And I was so sick and tired of doing that.

So if you are the struggling alcoholic then you need to wake yourself up to the pain and the misery that you are enduring due to your addiction. Rather than try to force yourself to face the anxiety, instead, recognize the pain you are living in. Acknowledge the pain. Journal about your pain and suffering. Perhaps then you will bring about the magic moment of surrender, where you stop caring about the anxiety and you ask for help anyway. Like I did.

The post How to Feel at Peace with Your Decision to Get Sober appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241844 http://www.spiritualriver.com/alcoholism/feel-peace-decision-get-sober/

[sueboohscorner]

#iZombie Season Three Episode Five “Spanking the Zombie”

Major is on a hard-core combat training mission and bullets are flying everywhere. He sexy jumps from building to building until getting stabbed 35 times. But he’s a zombie so he’s fine…

Ravi and Liv are at the lab discussing what we found out last week that the serum did not work on Blaine so soon major will have to take the cure and forget everything.

Clive has a case from two weeks ago….Roxanne a domanatrix hence, Liv is reluctant to eat her brains. But she cooks it up nice anyway.

Clive and Liv investigate the crime scene at Roxanne’s lair and Liv gets friendly with her whips. She tries to get Clive to play along but he’s not havin’ it. They hit the motherload when they find a camera in the room but the memory card is missing. Clive thinks maybe the killer learned his session was being taped got mad and strangled the victim. No Clive, that would be way to simple for this show!

Liv finds a leather mask and suddenly-VISION!

She gets a good look at the last man who wore the leather mask and what he looks like without it. Apparently, it’s DA Baracus, the zombie running for mayor of Seattle that we found out about a few episodes ago but haven’t heard much about since. Seems even zombie politicians are into the freaky stuff!

Not only that, whatever Ravi soaked the brains of Roxanne it made Liv’s vision stronger and longer. Vision Viagra!

Back at zombie army training, Major is feeling the pain. Fortunately, Ravi has supplied him with the cure to take if things get bad. I will admit it would be interesting to see Major lose his memory the way Blaine did. Or did he?

Clive and Liv are on the hunt to talk to find Baracus and they spot him at his favorite diner.

“The man of the people when he’s no spread eagle on a bondage bed wearing a gimp suit.” -Liv

Liv explains to Clive that the Viagra Vision juice kept her up all night with visions so she is chock full of information on this case. Baracus spills hot sauce on Liv’s boot and she tells him to lick it up. This little scene makes Baracus decide to take their meeting to the back room. He does look like he wants to a little.

Since he is a zombie, Liv doesn’t have to explain how she knows things. She can simply tell him she ate her brain and saw him at the scene. He has an alibi so they move on.

Liv had so many visions she’s keeping the sketch artist quite busy!

“Be a good little sketch bitch and pick up that pad!” -Liv.

While the “sketch bitch” stops for a snack Liv gets yet another vision. They bring the good old Johnny the weatherman, now anchorman, in for questioning! I love him! He too, has an alibi so moving on again…

Clive’s colleague tells him to stay away from the Wally murder case, personal connection or not! Clive realizes they cannot question Harley from the gun range anymore but he does have an idea to get him to talk to their now connections at Fillmore Graves.

Off to FG where Vivian has Liv tell the story of Wally’s murder and Harley’s connection, especially how he likes to preach zombie hate on the internet. She starts to tell her plan and we finally get a look at one of Liv’s long vision just from the people watching her.

Back to the sketch artist…

Where she sees a lawyer in the hallway which prompts another vision of said lawyer getting punished by Roxanne. Lucky for us Veronica Mars fans it’s Ken Marino! She runs after him to get his alibi. Since his alibi seems good, Liv gets bossy with him and they show him all the sketches of clients from Liv’s vision. He mentions a peeping tom giving Roxanne a hard time and is able to pick him out. Good job Vinnie! Or whatever your name is on this show.

We head to Blaine’s dad’s new zombie bar where things seem to be close to being in business. Blaine’s old lackey, baldy (have to call him that don’t remember his name), takes a trip down drug dealing memory lane with a local dealer sliggin’ the U. Baldy brings him back to the bar to party and to of course ask him, “You wanna be a zombie? It’s rad!”

Back at the station, Liv is bored so Johnny shows up to shake things up. Double whammy! Johnny and Vinnie, okay his name is Brandt, the defense attorney have teamed up. Well he arrives as Johnny’s lawyer. Johnny has information. He had been being blackmailed by someone who had video of him and Roxanne’s sessions. They planned to release the tapes unless he paid them 10 grand. He paid but now they want more. This puts Clive in a situation to catch the blackmailer.

Back at FG, Harley the zombie hater arrives for a meeting. Vivian has brought him in under the guise he is receiving a settlement for his brother’s death a Max Rager.  They pepper him with questions about his knowledge of zombies. While he spews his information, and spreads his zombie hate, FG men in berets (I don’t know why but it looks cool) install surveillance equipment in his truck. Now with eyes and ears on his truck they can find out exactly how much he knows and what he plans to do. (Also, if he killed Wally’s family). One important thing they do discover is that Harley knows the Chaos Killer victims are zombies and they need protection.

Meanwhile…at the Johnny blackmail drop, Johnny, Liv and Ravi play their parts. They easily apprehend the suspect and bring him in. Liv begs to interrogate him and Clive has his doubts on her intimidation skills. He forgot she was on dom brains I guess! She easily pulls a confession from the guy.

Back at zombie army training, Major is still looking worse for the wear. But good news for some of us, he does seem to take his shirt off often! He chats with his fellow trainee about a freezer full of heads he saw back at the base. The guy explains that they all have to eat and there aren’t often enough brains to go around. Suddenly, Major gets violently ill but he makes it back to the lab.

Ravi insists on giving him the cure. Liv argues if they give it to him the wounds he received in battle will kill him. Liv puts on her doctor hat immediately and starts treating his stab wounds with hopes to buy some time for his wounds to heal.

Back at the zombie bar aka, The Scratching Post, things are getting lively at the grand opening complete with specialty brains from Bangladesh.

Liv and Ravi keeps vigil by Major’s side until Liv sends Ravi to bed. He wakes up and she has to give him the bad news, the memory serum didn’t work on Blaine. I don’t know if I actually believe that but okay.

“Once I’m new me, will you remind me of what we meant to each other?” -Major to Liv.

Here come the waterworks…they reminiscence as I cry. They make love one last time…I cry.

Morning arrives and Ravi goes in with the syringe and explains what is going to occur. That’s all of the old Major.

Episode grade: 10-One of the best I have ever seen!