#anyway idk if i'm gonna work on the next part rn (which i've started) or the icons i've gotta do

[memberment]

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE

So the Trinitarians brain worm is back and Morning Glory is now longer and biting the dust as far as my focus goes.

But like, I genuinely want to talk to anyone who's invested in what's to come as far as part two goes. SO PLEASE. I IMPLORE THE FOUR OF YOU WHO PERPETUALLY TAKE NOTICE OF MY SCREAMS INTO THE VOID.

We're all aware that Trin is a time loop fic. That is confirmed.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS HOW I'M GOING ABOUT DOING THAT. AND I NEED INPUT FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT ME AS FAR AS PLEASES AND SPARKLES GO, YES?

Because like sure I'm writing it and like fuck everything else, let me tell my story. But it's the how of it all like if I'm gonna throw another 200 give or take hours into this I would at least like one person to be having a wonderful time drinking and driving (I have since remembered this is not a common phrase, I do not mean this in a literal sense, it's an expression) with me right?

Part two is going to be 50 chapters, give or take. (Part one is about 37 for reference.)

So the plan for part 2 rn is (ROGUHLY):

(1-10) is the second timeline. There are a lot of importants and I cannot just glaze over it all more than that. But we're also working in a bit of a shorter time period than the original events of the story and introductions do not need to happen again, right?

(11-40)ish would be me running through the next timelines in a set up structure -> what changes -> the results of said changes and then inevitably what sends our looper backwards. It wouldn't be running through all the timelines but the more notable ones in kind of a four chapter structure, I am not fully sold on four, but rough estimate yk.

And then 41-50 would be the finale of part two. It's literally the last timeline in its glory and then the epilogue which kicks off part three.

COULD AT LEAST ONE OF Y'ALL SIT THROUGH THAT OR DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY NOTES AT ALL BECAUSE LIKE

I personally kinda like it but if not a soul is reading this I am throwing myself on the curb with the rest of the garbage LMFAOOO.

I NEED THOUGHTS. OPINIONS. COMMENTS. CONCERNS. ANYTHING.

Anyways, I'm going to work. I have off tomorrow and I broke the ff investment seal for today so insanity and updates will be here tonight and homework will be tomorrow.

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD DAY <3

(9:30) I am literally falling asleep as I lazily write this angel based on Danse Macabre. Expect all of maybe one more update tonight if the tacos I am abt to receive don't wake me up LMFAO.

Also, I am almost saddened by not having something to post tm. Anyone want an early chapter of something that isn't Genesis/Desolation bc they're both on Monday?????? (I am feeling like a menace rn)

(10:19) tacos and the absolute yap session I just had did wake me up a bit. MAAAYBE might write some more. Idk I slept like three hours last night and went to work I'm kinda dead. But we're at 98.2k!!!!!!🥳

(11:06) okay we made it to 99.6k everything besides the flashback for 31 is done. I'm about to relax and watch something and figure out mechanics of some of this because god this series is A BEAST. Like, I still have six planned chapters left.

Pure insanity. I love it here. I hate it here.

Holy shit wait I just came to the realization that I started this fic exactly one month ago. I have belted out 99.6k for THIS FIC ALONE. (Moreso if we're including future shit that hasn't happened yet)

IN ONE MONTH.

THAT IS FUCKING CRAZY WHAT HTE FUCK LMFAOOOO

I may or may not be cooking we’ll find out in 6-26 business hours

(5:28) So I just had a very interesting past few business hours. I read a fic I've been waiting ever so patiently to finish. That's cool, right. I go for a walk at 4 in the morning because I'm insane. Fantastic. I get home at five and I'm like ohhhh well what do I do now it's not sleep time yet. Oh write I'm supposed to be drawing.

Nope I reread the epilogue of morning glory and realized Tweek's first address is for my morning glory and Craig's last sign off is your morning glory and now I'm ready to throw myself on the curb with the garbage as I sob. Someone call a trusted adult for me thanks.

[thrilling-oneway]

OKAY N25 event is starting tomorrow and it's lasting 12 days but who cares I need to word vomit about event spec instead of doing my homework.

WxS event is Tsukasa no question unless the devs have given up on 2D:3D MV ratio given the updates. I mean daichan basically confirmed it on the stream lol. Anyway Tsukasa has never had a vsinger on one of his unit gachas so that's gonna change probably. I noticed they've been putting out cards for vsingers other than the starters/miku probably to show off the new costumes that didn't get L2D, which leaves us with MEIKO. However, she's been on 2 WxS events this year (one of which was Tsukasa's) so I'm ruling her out and am willing to just settle for KAITO (doubtful about Miku considering the likelihood of her sanrio 4* being soon).

Anyway as for the others definitely not Nene. She's been on all of Tsukasa's gachas so far give her a break please. Staff actually caught all of wxs up on exchange cards now but I'll say 3* for now just because it's been longer since her last one than her last 2*. Now the 3rd 4*. Emu or Rui? On the one hand, Emu has less cards than Rui and less 4*s this year, but on the other hand, she's been one 2 Tsukasa banners already when Rui's only been on 1. But then again, Rui needs a 2*. And I'm tempted to say this could be a wxs boys centric event given the teaser, but then again you have events like BFBY, BFST and woao which have significant characters as a 2* or just not at all. And then again, Emu has a 4* lim coming up, so her getting a gacha card followed closely by a lim is somewhat unlikely (although has been done in the past). And then there's the fact that if Rui gets another 4* he catches Miku. Fuck. OH actually WL lims are gonna make Kanade and Mizuki equal with Miku lol so yeah here we go

Either Tsukasa/Emu/KAITO + Nene 3* Rui 2*

or Tsukasa/Rui/KAITO + Nene 3* Emu 2* (emnn can be swapped in this instance tbh)

mm maybe meiko still works looking back after i finished this post

AND then for mixed event I'm still standing by my initial school festival spec. Probably Nene banner and Kami 2-A lims. Nene's last lim was the vday one 11 months ago, Akito's last lim was his fes about 5 months ago, and An's was the 2.5th lim 8 months ago, so it works. An's been an exchange card recently so 4* for her is fairly likely anyway, plus Nene pretty much guaranteed to be an exchange card on the Tsukasa event. This could be an Akito banner ig but I've tentatively got him down for White Day rn, however he doesn't actually have a mixed event stamp yet, but he could get one even if it was a Nene event anyway. Slap a WxS vsinger (Rin?) reward card and idk maybe a Toya 2* (or Rui if he isn't 2* on the Tsukasa event) and bam.

nene/an/akito + rin 3* toya or rui 2*

N25 has to be the first event next month lol since WL doesn't count as part of the main rotation and saying those a lim cards is fucking stupid they're barely lims. On one hand, it's been a year since the last ena event, but Kanade has less events than everyone else and also Ena sanrio lim. I would've said Ena 4* for Kanade event but we're gonna scrap that and for now i'm tempted to say mafuyu again i know she's been on 2/3 kanade events so far but hey if nene can go 3 for 3 on tsukasa gachas then sure. i would have said mizuki but once again. lots of 4*s already. this gives kanade the most 4*s in the game but who even cares atp not clpl that's for sure.

kanade/mafuyu/kaito + ena 3* mizuki 2* (mzen are swappable)

kanade/mizuki/kaito + mafuyu 3* ena 2*

then maybe a leoni honami event with ichisaki 4*s, shiho 3*, vsinger 2*. also this or n25 is the xmas event. and fuck knows who new year could be. mizuki? n25 hasn't had a NY banner yet. fuck do i know.

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (23/07/23)

a p chill and uneventful week for me overall

however do want to mention, I stumbled across this bingo thing yesterday and was thinking of using it for my series list, instead of what you see under, I decided against it since I can't have the colour coding I've been using, or well, I could have it I'd just have to spend a bit of time editing it on PS instead of just copy pasting like I do now

I know basically no one even looks at these anyway, but if you do, tell me what you'd prefer from the 2 lists under this, the one with the pics/covers or the pure text I've been doing

Anime

Pokemon Horizons Ep14

we finally got our first capture of the anime and sadly it wasn't riko ofc this was to be expected from how the previous ep went but it's still wack next episode we're getting iono tho so that should be fun

Atelier Ryza Ep4

ryza is such a little idiot god I love her, was really channeling the megumin energy this episode too. was also p funny how she got scolded for being too good at alchemy

Zom 100 Ep3

nice episode once again, it was p funny how it started off in a host club and I was like "yooo just like stardust" and then they zoom way out and show the kamurocho sign and I was losing my mind, which I also did later when they showed damn anime ryan gosling lmao. anyway the friend guy is nice, looking forward to their shenanigans together

Manga

Dandadan Ch114

I figured the fight wouldn't end on this chap already but I didn't think this guy would show up to help, tho I also kinda forgot that he was on the way since it was so long ago tehe

Tenmaku Cinema Ch15

it's to be expected from how it's been doing in rankings but looks like tenmaku's gearing up to finish, it's a shame we can't get more of this instead of other stuff but oh well I'll savour it while it lasts

Blue Box Ch110

god their solo dinner was really good as expected, it's really funny to see how much of a tease chinatsu can be. I appreciate miura for taking the time and having plenty of cute scenes of them being lovey dovey together before going back to focus on sports for a while

Cipher Academy Ch33

anonimity-chan showing off was very cool but my favourite part nisio working this in as a code, it might be a week late but it's still v cool

Martial Master Asumi Ch6

nito didn't get clapped as fast as I expected but he for sure is gonna next chap, nice one tho

Undead Unluck Ch168

the tournament arc came and went and next we have.. a high school arc??? honestly never expected chikara to be the next person but eh it seems like it'll be a fun arc from the set up

My Hero Academia Ch395

idk why I didn't expect for this chap to be the aftermath of the fight but that's what it was, doubt toga actually actually died but we'll see not much more left now, next chap should be the start of all might vs AFO and then it's just deku vs shigaraki left

Akane-banashi Ch71

incredibly good chap as it's come to be expected. despite all the stuff in this chap I still don't think akane is gonna win but I really hope I'm wrong

Ayakashi Triangle Ch137

haven't talked about it in a bit but we're deep in a battle arc rn, shouldn't be the end tho, I'm expecting them to have 1v1 fights against the baddies later. but anyway new form for matsuri? very exciting stuff too bad we'll have to wait 2 weeks

[bryoria]

ok thoughts on the firefighting

I’m thinking of turning in a volunteer application at our local fire district but I have to call tomorrow and ask about what scheduling would look like only bc I can’t afford to go part time and lose my health insurance.

they’re hiring next year and I’m thinking about trying to volunteer this year and then land a position but idk. I’m also thinking about getting a hysterectomy this year and seeing if that solves my issues bc that’s the main thing keeping me from applying rn. I can’t afford to just be out of service randomly bc I have a flare up. My next appt for that is the first week of May so I’ll try and get an update on that.

I’ve wanted to be a firefighter before and I’ve volunteered in a far far less serious measure when I lived in farther north and this specifically would be more county oriented as opposed to city work, ideally forest.

I’ve thought about pursuing other similar paths but for a lot of them you get too close to law enforcement and this is fairly close but I just keep feeling more and more interested in it. I’m meant for hiking and such and it just feels like it could be a good fit.

it would also involve a lot of EMT work which I've thought about doing anyways, and I would be doing it here with the added bonus of having fire combating knowledge. I'm not easily disgusted by irl like. gore etc., which I do know for fact. and I’ve been working on strength lately so I think I’m gonna focus on that and endurance this year and apply next buuuut I wanna apply this year so bad…. partially bc one of my friends is doing it and he keeps encouraging me. but idk.

idk but since I started adderall last month it's like a switch has flipped 100% and I'm ready for my life to move forward. I'm looking at getting my GED this month?? maybe. and I've been looking at degrees that could get me into some sort of conservation efforts. I just feel like I have life to look forward to all of a sudden and I don't really care if I have a Career™️ but I refuse to continue to be at home depot for longer than I need for the insurance.

anyways potential timeline on various amounts of detail: nols wmc -> ged -> potential part time college student? -> hysterectomy. -> healing all winter -> go part time next spring and volunteer w this fire district -> bust my ass and get hired on

idk. blurbing thoughts.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

really its because of you that ive become sort of. not obssesed but like whenever i watch the show i just. keep looking at the costumes! trying to look for the patterns in your theories and its become one of my favorite parts of this hahahah anyway, the point is i was reading some of your check theory posts earlier today and now i started rewatching animal instincts (mind you i havent read your costume meta for that ep, i shoumd have done my homework!) and it was just really interesting to see it play out perfectly! specially in the scenes with buck + connor and cameron. like, in the dinner scene buck (buck's in black, i already read that disscusion) but also connor was in check! and cameron's shirt had like a big floral pattern and all i could think about was how that was sort of a reflection on what they would bring to buck after that scene! (which also like, reinforces the idea that the sperm donor thing is a Bad Idea), then connor wearing check to buck's loft later, aaaand my favorite, which i actually spotted during my first watch, was the stripes haha (i also think like half my dash was people going insane over that last monday), and the fact that buck wasnt the only one wearing the stripes, but i dont remember exactly what was the difference between vertical and horizontal stripes rn hahaha because ofc buck saying yes to the donation is supposed to be this big life change for connor and his wife, but i dont know what it all means! im just here chilling and spotting the patterns. idk, your costume theory is stuck on loop in my head and i cannot stop thinking about it!

(and im not even gonna get into the slutty black tanktop of it all and chris's new patterned pjs! thats a job for the professionals)

how did i do? did i get the assignment right? hahahaha anyway thank you for helping me and all of us actually to appreciate the art and thought that goes into costume design, its really interesting to me and i wouldnt have started to learn more about it if it werent for you 💛 have a great weekend and see you next monday!!

jj / babygirldiazz

JJ/ babygirldiazz

I'm so sorry its taken me an age to reply to this! real life got a bit crazy for the last 10 days or so - fighting literal and metaphorical floods and fires at work so I just haven't had the brain power to go through my inbox properly until now!

I adore that you are having fun playing spot the patterns and see if they fit the theory. I hope you're now read the Animal instincts costume meta and that you enjoyed it. you're pretty spot on with your analysis of everything and the thing with stripes is that my theory is about the horizontal ones we see on lots of characters - which Conor was the one wearing in that scene.

The vertical stripes is a specific Buck thing, and they tend to accompany him being emotionally compromised (and invariably ending up making a less than stellar choice). This is really interesting and I've only just fully put two and two together on this (so JJ you get all the praise and gratitude for allowing me to spiral and go on a little Buck costume trawl) but the shooting is the first time we see Buck in vertical stripes.

And thats big - really big - because that is the moment Buck becomes emotionally compromised in a way that he hasn't been able to come back from. Everything that has been and is going on with buck stems back to the shooting. The shooting lead to a host of other choices that were less than ideal - things that he wouldn't have done, choices he wouldn't have made, if the shooting haddn't happened - letting Taylor into his life, saying ILY to her, moving her into his apartment, etc etc etc. all stem from the shooting and all are times when Buck is wearing stripes.

The ones from Let the games begin fit into this pattern - the zip front denim shirt and then the cream shirt both tie into Bucks reluctance to get a new couch - and the questioning of who he is and what he wants - the fact that he's essentially in stasis - and hasn't fully moved on with his life - leading to him trying out self help books etc as a way of figuring out what he wants from life - this is a trauma response in so many ways and those shirts are our sign - a theme the costume designers are using to tell us, the audience, that Buck isn't doing great - that he is mentally unwell and it's why these vertical striped shirts are becoming more frequent in their appearance - because he's not getting better - he's getting worse - spiralling more.

Thats why I've only just been able to really get my head around their use on Buck in the last couple of episodes - it can sometimes take a little while to figure out what a designer is trying to say with patterns and styles, and this is no exception. I fully expect us to be seeing more Buck in vertical stripes going forward until he either fully breaks down, or until he is able to start healing properly - and I'm pretty confident we won't see him stop wearing them until the shooting has been talked about by Buck and Eddie. Its sitting there hanging over them and this show is all the levels of insane and clever for the way they are using all the tools at their disposal to provide clues and information for those of us who want to spend the time looking.

Just going to sit here and feel even more feral about the shooting of it all than I already was!

I hope you have an amazing week JJ and feel free to pop into my inbox whenever you like - you've made my day!

💜💜💜

[captainaikus]

BELLE LOVE YOURE BACK!!!!!!!!! I've missed you so much 😭😭😭!!!! I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick though 😖😖. That seriously sucks, but I hope you feel better soon!!! Also I have a confession to make. I know I said I was working on blue lock drabbles. But like. The TR season 2 opening just dropped. I am not the same woman I was 1 hour ago. Episode 13 of bllk will probably kick-start my inspiration for the writing again (hopefully) but I'm hitting a block atm and all I can think abt is TR right now 💀💀. I have actually been so productive this winter break that it's insane. Cleaning, cooking, organizing, writing, etc. It's hard to believe I was the same person as last year tbh. I'm a hoarder and a sentimental sap so I never throw anything away 💀🥲. BUT I got rid of so much unnecessary stuff yesterday and I'm actually kind of proud of myself. I've been meaning to go to the gym again, but finding the motivation is hard, especially in the early morning when I'm drowsy and tired. I know it's not an excuse and I plan on going to bed early tomorrow so I can wake up without feeling tired 😤😤. Wish me luck 🥹🤞🏼!!! Also also. I have currently been listening to the new opening on loop since I heard it came out don't judge me and I'm pretty sure I have the entire visuals and lyrics matched up inside my head atp where I can hear it and know which character is on screen 💀💀💀. It's the same with the season 1 episodes again no judging. Yes I'm normal abt this 😌😌. Anyways ✨. Idk if you've seen my posts, but I have been freaking out abt the new opening since this morning adjkhgggkjggfdhjhg. I am so excited about next week. You are gonna be sick of me once the first episode drops I'm calling it now 😭😭💀. Anyways onto the actual important stuff. How was your vacation and holiday?? Good I hope?? How's the move to a03 coming along?? Again, I hope you feel better soon (Oliver sends his love from Italy ❤️❤️❤️)!!! Make sure not to overwork yourself and take care of yourself and rest okay love?? I really have missed you tho 🥹❤️. *sending all the virtual hugs and blankets and warm soup to you*

- ✨ anon

YES! I have returned !! I missed you too T.T , ahh its good to be back. ps. not only have i managed to fall sick... I uh... I twisted my ankle last night when I was celebrating new years. There was so much that happened last night, the dancing, hanging out with my roommates and last but not least. there were a lot of pretty boys at the club; but honestly, they were strutting around the place like some proud peacock and were intimidated by my height (yeah i was the tallest one last night with my three inched heels) and my calves are killing me rn; but totally worth it ✨ I SAW THE NEW TR OPENING! Pretty sure the fans are gonna crash the website; i wouldn't be surprised honestly- I am so looking forward to the new eps !! I read the latest chapter of bllk and... *sobbing cause no Oliver* Anyway, getting back to Tr; I am excited for the new season !! And i wanna see more of bonten and the shiba brothers arc, now i'm thinking if they're gonna introduce Nahoya and the whole baby of the family thing (cause the way i cooed when I was reading the manga) Girl. I saw you posted about Chainsawman !! And during vacay, we were passing by a bookstore... I uh... I ended up buying vol 4 with Aki as the cover. (i love it sm and i'm gonna treasure it even if I haven't reached that part yet) - the look i got cause the amount of profanities in there on opening one of the pages 😭 Vacay was fun, spent some time in the countryside and got a hold of new experiences that inspired me to re-write ruined rome (a project that i had started for Rin earlier on my blog) there was a cute guy on the bus who was watching rising shield hero i think? and i was busy watching one punch man cause i didn't get time to finish it, *sad cause i shoulda asked for his @ but i was really shy to talk to him and kinda disoriented cause of no sleep*

As for the move to ao3; I released the new chapter of Ocean hues and I'm working on a spotify playlist that you guys can play it when you read the series; hopefully you guys will enjoy it <3 speaking a bit and giving spoilers for the series; i included some of my dreams with Oliver (yes i am a simp and idc) And i have my oneshots saved in my draft, that will be getting posted as well... ao3 is getting fun for me cause i figured a way on using dividers and pictures. Not to mention even if ao3 does seem complicated its actually pretty easy to get by and i'm getting obsessed with alice in borderland- THE NEW SEASON IS FINALLY OUT! so i'm gonna be completing that and stone ocean's new eps (yes me likes JJBA. *likes jonathan, joseph and Jotaro*) And no bb ♡ i like seeing your rants on my dash and also. I. squealed at your Oliver drabble. Like i was walking around, stood for coffee before my flight at some 1 o clock in the morning and i saw this. And my gah- the way i was staring into my phone, I had a jolly good christmas and an early new year 😭 *busy working on a list of yandere wips and thinking the title to give my work*

*sending back hugs and wuv along with Bachira*

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

WARNING: talking about covid :') (not the impact it's had globally but the actual sickness itself)

Venting

I'm honestly so stressed bc I have covid and. It's just not going away so I keep having to call in sick to work. And I'm scared I'm gonna get into trouble bc I keep calling in but. I refuse. I fucking REFUSE to contribute to the spread of this shit. And besides, I need the rest to recover!!!! I deserve that!!!!

Thankfully I'm not feeling too terrible— had a mild sore throat for a few days, and some stuffiness/runny nose, but that's mostly gone and now it's largely extreme tiredness and a bad headache which honestly is pretty typical for me anyway —but I'm still fucking contagious, and who knows what might happen if I push myself. My job is really physical and I work in a cooler, meaning, I'm working in the fucking cold!! That won't help me at all!! Those factors combined basically make work the worst place for me to be rn

(And just as a disclaimer, pretty sure I'm having such a mild case bc I've had 4 shots of the vaccine now— and my dad has it and has 2 things against him to make him immunocompromised, and this has mostly been like a bad cold for him, he hasn't needed to go to the hospital. If you can but haven't gotten the vaccine yet, DO IT!!)

But I'm still so stressed about it. I wish I could just recover and test negative so I could go back to work, because it's constantly in the back of my mind that I might get in trouble for calling in sick every single day I'm scheduled to work for over a week, especially during Christmas, which is literally a blackout period for vacations— in other words, you aren't allowed to take vacation during this time of year. This stress is eating at me and I just wanna make it go away. Funnily enough, it's probably making it harder for me to get better 😅

And bc I'm a student, I only work 2 days a week during semesters, and legit this started the DAY after my first day back from this last semester, and my next one starts immediately after new year's, so I'm worried this looks like I'm trying to skip out on work when I otherwise would be doing like 40 hours but I'm really not!!!! I'm just trying to do the right thing 😭 a couple coworkers have long covid, others aren't vaccinated, we have some older people. But even without those factors, I wouldn't wanna go in and spread it around

idk I'm just. I'm very stressed and a tiny part of my mind has legitimately been worried I'll get fired over this. I seriously doubt I will bc it's almost impossible to get fired from my workplace (it's a joke that you have to try lmao) and bc of the good name I've built for myself there. I've been there almost 10 years now, they know I don't pull shit like this just for shits and giggles. But the worry is still there, you know?

Ughhhh I've gotta sleep so I can wake up at 5AM to call work and tell them I still have covid, then go back to sleep bc fuck that shit :')

Wish me luck when I have to get up in like 4 1/4 hours lmaoooo

[aureamors]

Month 1 on T

Or 1 month and 1-2 weeks on T

Prominent changes

The main things that have very obviously changed is bottom growth, skin texture, appetite, libido and hair growth. I'll be discussing bottom growth, libido and all that behind an 18+ break at the bottom of the post (ha)

On skin and complexion

I am a greasy little man to say the least. I've begun to have to have a much more strict skincare and clothes/sheet washing routine because I have been so much more greasy. I also need to wash my hair a lot more bc it will not stop being nasty if i don't. My acne is really bad right now, though that may also be in part because I'm on my period rn (which I will discuss further down)

On hair

Maybe TMI, but in particular, armpit and ass hair is a lot thicker than it was before (💀💀💀), and it also grows back much faster. My ingrown hairs also seem to be way worse when I shave: I shaved the way I always have, but there's so many ingrown hairs then there usually is so I'm thinking it may be related to this? Idk man.

The hair on my head is also thickening, I have a bunch of new baby hairs growing at my hairline.

On appetite changes

My appetite has been a lot more at times then it was before. I don't know if it's fully kicked in but I will just randomly be starving a lot more (I have a bit of a poor connection to my physical needs at times so I sometimes lowkey forget to eat until I really really need to- )

On periods

I mentioned my period up above and I'll elaborate a bit on that. At first I thought I wasn't gonna have it as I was a week late and I thought I was just. Having really bad PMDD, but I ended up getting it anyways. I had normal mood swings on my period before obviously, but this time around it felt like it was a million times worse. I was so anxious and moody that I could barely function at work last week, and I was honestly having pretty bad urges to relapse (I have struggled on and off with SH and addiction over the years).

I'm better now, my period is just being it's annoying period self tho. I'm still bleeding and it hasn't stopped yet, it's a lot lighter then usual tho so hopefully that means next month it will have stopped (for context, I've always had absolutely horrendous periods- heavy asf to the point I need to wear pads designed for post children women, dizziness because of how heavy the blood loss I had was and cramps that make me unable to move because of how painful they are. It's still present, but it's not nearly as bad as it has been for several years now).

On mood

Outside of this though, my mood has been so much better than it was pre-T. I was much more anxious before and it led to me being unable to properly function socially, but now I'm a lot more confident. I'm still a bit insecure because I'm still very much not passing and stuff, but I'm getting better the more I grow into my body how I should have been. I'm already a lot more outgoing, and excited for life and the future than I was.

Less prominent but noticeable changes

My voice. My voice has started to deepen very slightly. I didn't even notice it but my sister pointed it out, and I recently retook a voice comparison video yesterday and it was slightly deeper in my natural range. It's still early days ofc but this made me very happy

This- may be a bit weird, but I think I am already noticing changes in my breast tissue already? They feel a bit more like fat rather than actual solid perky tissue and look less big (then again the latter could be because I'm starting to become a bit less dysphoric tbh). I'm hoping I go down a cupsize and they become easier to bind in future.

Confusion/questioning my sexuality again

Honestly I have no idea what is going on here at all right now. I thought I'd figured out that I was aroace and was formerly hypersexual from trauma, but now I'm thinking I may be allo. Still probably on the aroace spectrum, but idk.

Now men just kinda... 💅/hj

I think I might have just been fully apathetic and uninterested in relationships and intimacy with real people because I was super uncomfortable and dysphoric. Now, it's kind of up in the air a bit. I'm just not gonna label all that business for a while probably, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually and I'll probably discuss this in future posts more

18+ only below - discussing bottom growth and libido n. All that 👍

My bottom growth has been pretty noticeable this far. I haven't measured it bc I think that's goofy, but it's prob a cm or 2 atp? Not much yet, but I'm so looking forward to more with it. I want to potentially get metoidio on it to make it more prominent, but I'll ofc see how it goes. Full growth is still farrrr off

I will also say that I have not gotten dry at all down there - the exact opposite actually. I hear a lot about all that business getting drier and stuff, but genuinely I get so much more down there then I ever used to. I think in part it may be because I've gotten more comfortable with my bottom growth?

This is- alot of personal info but considering this is 18+ section I'll get into it, but honestly everything sexual is *so* much better now. My libido has gotten a fair bit higher, but also I've found that the pleasure I can get from doing stuff has increased tenfold.

I think in part it is because I heavily dissociated away from myself both due to my dysphoria and trauma, but now I feel like I'm realigning with myself and - in a way I feel like I'm also reclaiming my body too. So because of that, I'm much more satisfied with what's going on with that. It's very hard to explain honestly! I would be interested to hear from other trans men with sexual trauma if they had the same or similar experiences.

I remember my psych warning me that it could be potentially jarring to have bottom growth due to my history, but this genuinely is the best thing I think could have happened for me. It's honestly helping me massively with repairing my relationship with sexual stuff, both in regards to my trauma and ofc dysphoria. It's been amazing, honestly.

This is all I can think of for now, but I'll possibly come back and edit stuff if I think of anything else. Working full time has been kicking my ass, so I've kinda just been only working and then using all my free time to recover for the next day 💀💀

[lqfiles]

user lqfiles i have no idea what to call you.

see saying "hello tumblr user lqfiles" sounds ominous and it's giving sigma... god i hate that word. i have beef with the gen alpha slang, everytime i hear a reel with "what the sigma" i grow a little closer to throwing that toaster right into the bathtub. ANYWAYS, my point is that i'm going to figure out how to come up with a nickname for you. it'll come, eventually trust. i'll think of one okay. something to do with l & q idk. unless there's something else you want me to call you? ALSO NOOO IM NOT RICH. 😭😭 as i mentioned before i bought like... 3x the amount of pcs i OWNED BEFORE i went on a buying spree. so all i had was just the pcs i collected from albums that were gifts from friends... (i never thought it a good idea to spend money on this stuff for myself.) I was actually traveling abroad which was why i hadn't checked in for a bit, and the prices... were just so much cheaper!! So I decided, why not? fuck it we ball! (my life motto to everything at this point...) and i'm in a decent financially stable point in my life where i can indulge in this stuff, so i bought quite a bit... i tried to focus on buying pcs... cause storing albums in my suitcase makes it a lot heavier.

i definitely have a hand kink its not a joke anymore. IT REMINDED ME OF THIS IMAGE (idk if it's going to work if it doesn't uh.... ignore! cause i've never sent links on anon and tumblr hates making things easier for us.) https://postimg.cc/1gWC0B48 AND IDK IF YOU CAN SEE IT BUT ITS SO FUNNY I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING. they're both me

i also have no idea who louis partridge is BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST LOOKED HIM UP AND GOD DAMN. like my taste in men is obviously questionable, and like most people i did have a thing for andrew garfield and theo james... but i think i often find myself crushing on east asians half of the time, mostly because i am eastern asian myself, and it's not like on purpose cause i do find other races hot, it's just the way i grew up finding famiiarity in those faces? does that make sense idk im yapping at this point.

ALSO THE SMAU IS SO FUNNY IM CAUGHT UP NOW.... HAECHAN LITERALLY GOING THROUGH ALL STAGES OF GRIEF. HE WANTS HER SO BAD BUT ALSO THE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WHOLE PINTREST BROWSING.... LIKE HES SO REAL AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME I LOVE HIM. (chatgpt is too real AND THE FACT THAT y/n IS EATING IT UP IS SO FUNNY LIKE I WOULD'VE ALREADY BEEN LIKE.... why does this sound like it's written by ai...) holy fuck that's a lot i ranted a lot anyways hello, look forward to the next chapter. love you and hope u have a great day TUMBLR USER LQFILES - 🤠

hejdhskdj sometimes i’m tempted to put my name back in my about me so you guys can put a name to my account but then i remember how don’t wanna be perceived THAT much and rethink #SOZZZZ idk maybe i’ll come up with a new alias that you can start addressing me by, tho if you’re curious you can figure my name out if you find my main blog and check my tags 😭

you’re gonna hate me omgg bc except for the word sigma (cos that cringe) i unfortunately love brainrot content atm… like yess give me the skibidi toilet rizz party, give me the ohio fanum tax, GIVE ME RHE MAXIMUM AURA 😅😂 the effect of living with little boys..

FUXK IF WE BALL IS SUCH AN AMAZING LIFE MOTTO like exactly.. we are ballin.. anyways you not spending any money yourself on albums is sending me lmaooo but at least you were able to use the money you had saved to buy yourself some cheeky pcs. tbh i think pcs are the only appealing part for most part when buying an album anyways so it’s a good thing that you didn’t buy albums lmaooo

THE IMAGE IS SHOWING LMAOOOO i love this pic so bad ughhh he has such nice hands i wish i could hold his hands and play with them.. the perfect mix between girly dainty hands and manly veiny like I WANXTHU SO BAD HAECHAN

MOST PEOPLE MUST NOT INLCUDE ME… but tbh i don’t think i have a specific race i like in men, THO IM IN MY ARABIC BOYS ERA RN… idk if anyone knows slushynoobz but hamza.. i wantchu saaaur bad like GIVE ME THE YEMENI BOY.. also i don’t think it’s weird to prefer your own people!!! its something a lot of cultures have too so don’t worry about it you’re not yapping, my mum is the same 😭

LOLLLL HAECHAN EXPERIENCES THE LOSS OF HIS UNOFFICIAL GF he was probably with his head in his hands when she didn’t respond to his apex request. and ntm he tweaked the letter a bit to make it more personalised!!! a bit of ai here and there but still personal!!!!

I LOVE YOU TOOO COWBOY ANON!!!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary167

2/27-28/2024

wednesday - thursday

i'm sisisisitting here, and i have a bank acct. now.

my card is gonna be sent to my parent's place, i've gotta go over there to get it, in about a week i suppose. that'll be interesting but i talked to my mom today. not about the card yet, but i'll talk about it tomorrow i think, when we talk more. she is not mad at me, it seems like.

i got really dressed up for the bank today, look!

people were nice to me basically except in walmart where lots of people stared at me, and then this guy that worked there looked totally totally totally disgustedddd. it was fun. i wish i told him to fuck off. i need to stick up for myself better. i think that'd be like, sticking up for myself, right. or is staring back the only thing i should really do? idk.

i ate too many chips today, also, so i'm feeling yucky rn. blehh.

just found out about a really awesome seeming book:

gonna find out more abt this soon, the publisher too, the bits my friend is sending me from this book of poetry are really really good.

just really really beautiful writing, grounding itself in / exploring/ telling history, in ways it is typically not told. a beautiful project, at minimum. but it does not feel like it's just hitting that minimum, truly good writing. it's also from 2023, which is super exciting i think. good writing is still coming, you just have to look.

another thing today, i got new lyrics and vocals down on a song, i wonder if i care about the lyrics that much, but idk, i think it's good, it's definitely about a lot of stuff i've been thinking about lately, re: music people, dj scene and stuff. frustrations. it felt good to scream, today, cuz of being so fucked up yesterday i guess.

i think maybe i could go in and re-record the middle bit and parts of the end, but i think the way the song opens vocally is good. i might also just be having funny issues w/ the sound of the vox. idk. we will see how i feel tomorrow. but since i did that i did also mess w/ how the song sounds, did the saturation thing to it, and that does sound quite good, imo.

tomorrow i need to do some more songs, just re: producing/mastering, i wanna do at least 2-3, and maybe on the 3rd i do a song that has vocals but i want to replace them entirely, so i can start thinking of new ideas for the song.

i also have a new idea for a drawing, that's fun, a new little pixel art ornament thingy.

listening to a lot of the album now, to see how things are coming along, one song still has overly saturated vocals, and some little pieces that need cutting, should be easy enough, i think i like that vocal take, i should sit on the take still, not go in and do that, and for the most part everything is feeling like, good, i think. coming along well, and stuff i thought was worse off isn't too bad really. that might change tomorrow for me but we'll see. there's gonna be a time where i need to just let this all go, and put this out. that time definitely feels like it's coming. or idk, that makes it sound like i'm just putting less effort in, i don't think that's true, it's just that things really are wrapping up in a way i feel like. like how many more times can i conceivably mess with nuances of guitar tone, everything is getting closer and closer to what i want, what isn't that's just getting cut and put off for later, and i can tell at least one of the songs i cut is going to really benefit from that, since i can rewrite parts and have something last longer, i can have this part i really like be like, a closer for this next ep maybe.

anyway, it's like 1 am and i need to prepare for the next days of work where i'm going in at 11 am soo,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[brownjet-archive]

smuggled love {2}

pairing: bellamy blake x reader

summary: as (y/n) and bellamy continue to clash heads, an easy-ish yet strained bond forms between them. surviving just became a lot more difficult.  

wc: slightly less than 15.5k

warnings: have you watched the show?? Yeah, it’s like that; pain, blood, swearing, death, reader cries a lot and I have a limited vocabulary

an: takes place immediately where part 1 took off, so the first 1.5k words are literally before the first three minutes of the ep, and I fudged with the timeline a little but i’m too tired to fix it. shoutout to @pinkypiesjournal​, @mostbeautifulbroomstick, and @spiderboytotherescue for beta reading!

based of of The 100 episode Earth Kills (1x03)

TAGS AND READ MORE ON MOBILE MAY NOT BE WORKING

given that it’s 15k words and tumblr might not put on a read more i’m so sorry

“So, how much medicine can we use?” Clarke asked, and your hand went to your pocket, fishing out the bottle of painkillers, tossing it over to her. She rattled it, trying to gain a feel for how full it was, before popping the lid open, seeing that the seal was still on.

“One bottle of five hundred.” You said, watching as she examined the bottle. “It’s just acetaminophen.” You informed, as she popped the lid back on, tossing the bottle back to you. You caught it with one hand and placed it on top of the medicine crate, leaning against the crate in a way that you weren’t sitting but were nearly sitting. “And it’s all I could get.”

You stood up, lifting the crate with some difficulty, even if there wasn’t a necessarily large amount of medicine for a hundred people, it was still relatively heavy. You plopped the crate down in front of her and Bellamy, opening it, to reveal that there were a few complete first aid kids, a stack of reusable bandages, and, the few stitching supplies you were able to get.

You saw two very different looks flash over both of their faces, despite the same impressed look. Clarke was a bit in awe, though also looked very anxious, whereas Bellamy looked both angry and impressed.

“Where the hell did you get this?” He demanded, and you rolled your eyes at him.

“You know about Nygel?” You asked, a cocky smirk on your face as they both nodded. “I’m way better than her.” You said, not wanting to explain how and where, knowing that what you said would mean more anyways.

Clarke stayed silent, and in your peripheral you saw her expression become more worried, and she open her mouth as if to begin to speak, before closing it, repeating that several times.

“It’s not enough, right?” You asked, so that she wouldn’t have to say it, to which a sad smile creeped onto her face as she nodded stiffly.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have this, it’s just…” She trailed off.

“Not a lot.” You said, nodding in understanding, despite the pit settling in your stomach, a lingering sense that you could’ve gotten more, despite knowing that you couldn’t have.

“So, which crate we gonna take out first?” Bellamy asked, and you could hear the annoyance in his voice, boredom seeping into his tone.

“Tents would probably be most logical.” You said, moving over to the largest crate, picking up one end as Bellamy picked up the other, both of you struggling to move the heavy crate.

You breathily thanked Clarke as she opened the siding for the both of you, grunting as you maneuvered the large crate. You felt the weight of the crate lighten, looking over to see that Wells and Finn had both grabbed a side of the crate. The four of you set it down in front of the dropship, making a relatively loud noise, displacing some dirt.

You coughed as some dust went up your nose, squinting to avoid getting dust in your eyes fanning in front of your face to sort of clear out the air. The loud bang seemed to have attracted the rest of the hundred, all looking at the crate in awe, before looking between the four who had set down the crate.

You sighed deeply, still fanning the air in front of you, before addressing them, never really one for giving speeches. “There are fifty tents in this crate, they’re pretty small but we’re gonna have to make do. One tent for every two people, got it?” You asked, trying not to seem condescending, and people seemed to collectively nod.

“There’s some more stuff.” You continued loudly and quickly, not going to let Bellamy speak because otherwise he would do what he had been doing with the meat. The thought left a rotten taste in your mouth. “Soap, clothes, blankets. Everybody will get some, if they want to keep their band on or not!” You yelled, shooting a dirty glare at Bellamy. “We’re gonna bring out the other things, but for now choose a partner and get a tent.” You instructed.

You moved over to Wells and Finn, talking to them lowly. “You guys distribute them, I’ll keep an eye on Bellamy.” You told them, and it seems that you looked determined enough for them not to argue.

“Blake! Atom!” You yelled to them. “You’re with me.” You said, turning around and beginning to walk back to pick up more crates, wincing momentarily as you felt a sharp pain in your leg, feeling your calf begin to throb.

You continued on, grabbing the next biggest crate with the other two lifting up their sides with relative ease, and you held up your side slightly lower than theirs, trying to hide your slight limp as you brought the crate, filled with blankets, back to the front.

This continued for about an hour, till nearly the whole camp had gotten their personal supplies: one toothbrush, two bars of soap, three vats of communal shampoo and conditioner, one towel, one blanket, one spare set of clothes and a tent to share with someone else.

You let out a slight groan as you helped a girl who had volunteered to carry crates, Zoe Monroe, load the large crate filled with feminine hygiene products and condoms into the front of the dropship, Bellamy following, carrying the first aid crate.

You let out a small huff as you dropped the wooden crate on the ground, smiling softly and thanking Monroe as she left, before sitting down on the crate, grateful to be off of your leg.

You closed your eyes in relief, hearing a few brief whispers, before feeling a hand on your leg, your eyes shooting open, your reflex to kick the person away. “What are you doing?” You screeched at Clarke, feeling a bit bad that you had nearly kicked her, but still frightened.

“I’m checking your leg.” She said firmly, looking down at you with a look that dared you to disagree. You stayed quiet as she bent down in front of you, before clearing her throat awkwardly. “You’re gonna have to take off your pants.” She said, and you smiled awkwardly, before standing up and taking off your pants, holding them against your chest, feeling far too exposed.

You felt her unravel the bandage, and you hissed as the fresh air came in contact with the wound.

“You can move your leg around fine, yeah?” She asked.

You nodded in response, scratching the back of your head. “It just hurts, mostly from exhaustion.” You told her, and she nodded.

“It doesn’t look that deep, so stitches are unnecessary.” She told you while cleaning out the wound, and you nodded.

“That’s kind of what I figured.” You told her, and she offered you a small smile.

“So, try to keep off of it, and come see me every few days for it.” She informed you, applying a layer of gauze on the wound before tightly wrapping the bandage around the cut.

“Thanks.” You said softly, gently putting your bandaged leg through your pants, moving to stand up only when you needed to shimmy your pants over your hips, buttoning them and doing the zipper really quickly.

“No problem. I should go check on Jasper, though.” She said, moving to go back upstairs to where Jasper was, before gripping her shoulder.

“No, Clarke. You need to get some rest.” You told her, trying to convince her into getting a few hours of sleep. “I’ll sit by Jasper and if there’s trouble, I’ll wake you up immediately, how’s that?” You suggested, though you made it clear that that is what was going to happen.

“Sure.” She simply said, climbing up the ladder in the center of the dropship. “But, I’m gonna sleep up here.” She yelled down from the ladder.

“Fair enough.” You decided, hobbling over to the ladder, before realizing that you were screwed. You just shrugged your shoulders, and began the climb up the six-rung ladder, gritting your teeth the entire way up, feeling sharp pains shooting through your leg, before you reached the top, your feet dangling in the trap door and you figured that was good enough.

You smiled softly when you realized that Clarke was already asleep, and you looked around to see Monty and Octavia sitting next to Jasper, both asleep, your smile widening a little as you felt your heart melt a little bit, filled with an overpowering love for your friends, even if you had just truly met Clarke and Octavia.  

You scooted over to the general area where Jasper was, leaning your back against the wall of the dropship, sitting in the silence for the next few hours, trying to ignore the worries you had about Jasper and Dave.

It was quiet for awhile; Octavia had woken up and quietly excused herself. About an hour after she had left, you heard whimpers and looked over to see Jasper writhing in pain, every alarm in your head going off.

“Hey, hey, hey.” You whispered, scooching closer to him, running your hand over your face, trying to soothe him, becoming alarmed at how hot his skin felt.

“Clarke!” You whisper yelled, standing up and limping across the room as fast as you could, feeling bad that you had to wake her up, though Jasper was slowly growing louder and louder. “Clarke!” You whispered loudly, shaking her slightly, seeing her eyes open, a startled look on her face.

You had an apologetic smile on your face, before Jasper started moaning in pain again, and you saw her face eyes widen, before she rushed over to Jasper, and began soothing him. You limped over, sitting down on the other side of him, moving to hold his hand. “His fever’s too high.” You commented, and she nodded in agreement, silently reassuring you that you had done right in waking her up. You gently brought his hand up to your lips, gently kissing his hand, trying to soothe him, though it was more for your own peace of mind than his.

You looked up and saw that Monty had awaken, and had crawled to the other side of the room, and you saw the guilt instantly flash in his eyes, looking over at Jasper. He stood up and moved towards you, gently sitting down next to you, gripping lightly at Jasper’s wrist, offering a small sad smile directed towards Jasper, whispering quietly to him that he was going to be fine. You felt your heart break; you didn’t want to see your friends so hurt.

At some point as Jasper grew louder, Monty moved back to where he was before, grief and guilt overtaking him as he looked over every so often, a look of shame across his face. You smiled sympathetically at him, understanding in your eyes.

“His pulse is 380.” Clarke whispered, and you felt your own heart beat increase at hearing that. Your heart was caught in your throat, knowing that having such a high pulse was really, really bad.

“Shut the fuck up!” “Go back to sleep!” People yelled as Jasper continued to whimper in pain, and you felt anger overtaking you, angry unshed tears burning in your eyes.

“Sh, don’t listen to them.” Both you and Clarke reassured softly, as you gently squeezed on his hand to reassure him that you were there.

“You’re gonna make it through this, I promise.” Clarke said, and you looked over at her, seeing that she avoided eye contact with you, and you knew then that at this moment, his chances were looking slim.

“Can he just die already?” Someone from below yelled, and you inhaled shakily, the tears falling from your eyes, rolling down your cheeks, as you stubbornly wiped them away with the back of your hand.

“Don’t listen to them.” You murmured to him, gently carding your fingers through his hair with your other hand, and you were unsure if he had calmed down a little, seeming a little more peaceful.

“I’m gonna get clean water.” Clarke announced, and you could hear the anger, exhaustion, and, exasperation in her tone. “Keep an eye on him.” She commanded, and Monty moved over to sit where she had, immediately grabbing hold of Jasper’s hand, his gaze deliberately avoiding yours.

You looked over at him, closing your eyes momentarily as Jasper groaned loudly, feeling more tears threatening to fall. You opened your eyes, whispering softly to Jasper, as he calmed down a little more. “It’s not your fault.” You said softly, this time directing your words towards Monty.

He sighed deeply, and you looked over at him to see him on the verge of tears, his lower lip trembling. “Yes it is.” He whispered out croakily.

“Hey.” You whispered, moving your hand from Jasper’s and placed it over Monty’s squeezing a little. “It’s not.” You reassured gently. “You caused this is no way.” You continued, your eyes filling with tears.

He smiled at you sadly, and you knew that he wouldn’t believe you, so you instead squeezed his hand once more, leaning over to gently kiss him on the cheek, before standing up. “I’m gonna go see where Clarke went.” You told him, wanting to give Monty some space, limping to the trap door, before hobbling down the ladder, wincing as sharp pains shot through your calf.

“Whoa, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” You heard someone demand, and turned to face Bellamy.

“Finding Clarke.” You said tiredly, trying to discreetly wipe the unshed tears away by pretending to rub your eyes, before putting your finger up to your lip to signal for him to be quieter, pointing upstairs to remind him that Jasper was up there.

“Not on that leg.” He said, almost scoffing, and you rolled your eyes, limping out of the dropship, ignoring him, scanning the area for Clarke. “Were you trying to climb up the ladder?” He asked, and you could hear a hint of scolding in his voice.

“No, I was climbing down it.” You replied, not really thinking about what you were saying, feeling his annoyance with you grow, waving him off, before you heard a scream that definitely did not come from Jasper, and you dashed off in the direction of it, despite Bellamy shouting at you to not run, and the pain it caused.

You found the source very quickly, seeing Clarke talking to a twelve year old girl, and instantly you found yourself mad at the shitty government. You walked over, and saw that Clarke was holding the water, her arm around the younger girl.

She saw you, and smiled slightly, before turning to the other girl. “Hey, Charlotte. My good friend (y/n) here will sit with ya? How does that sound?” She asked, and you waved slightly to the little girl, a small smile on your face.

She nodded carefully, regarding you with slightly scared eyes. “Okay.” She said, her voice meek, and Clarke stood up, running for the dropship as you moved to sit next to the girl, letting out an ‘oomph’ as you hit the ground a bit harder than expected.

“Charlotte’s a really pretty name.” You told her, and you immediately saw her worry vanish, a small smile spreading carefully across her face, a guard still up.

“So’s (y/n).” She said, returning your compliment, causing a smile to appear across your face, and her face finally relaxed, her body loosing, her posture becoming slightly more relaxed.

“So, you had a nightmare, huh?” You asked, keeping your tone light, and you saw her nod. “Do you wanna talk about it?” You asked, and she moved a little closer to you, resting her head slightly on your shoulder.

“I already told Clarke.” She admitted.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” You told her, and she offered you a grateful smile.

“Jack told me about you.” She said, changing the subject. “He said that you’re really nice and you stand up for people.” She said, causing you to laugh a little.

“Some would argue about the nice part.” You quipped, and you saw her genuinely smile a little, warming your heart.

She took a deep breath, and your expression changed to worried as she began to cry silently, and you immediately wrapped your arms around her, allowing her to sob into you. You gently whispered to her, kissing the top of her head, trying your best to comfort the twelve year old, though ultimately felt ast an impasse.

She stopped crying for a little bit, and you loosened your grip on her, allowing her to pull away from you. You gently wiped away her tears, offering her a sad smile, taking her hand and squeezing lightly.

“What’s wrong?” You asked softly, and you saw a few more tears fall from her eyes, a small hiccup wracking her body.

“I have nightmares about my parents. They got floated, and, and…” She blubbered, before crying again, silent sobs wracking her body, and you wrapped your arms around her, feeling your heart break.

“I understand.” You whispered to her. “My parents were floated when I was about six.” You admitted, your bottom lip trembling as you tried to keep from crying, not for your parents but rather for hers. “Actually, I was probably younger.” You said, as you thought about it. “I wasn’t old enough to grasp the concept of death.”

“Was it hard?” She asked, her voice trembling, looking up at you with tear stained cheeks.

You shrugged slightly, a sad sympathetic smile on your face. “I was too young to actually remember my parents.” You said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as she leaned into you. “You’re strong, Charlotte.” You whispered to her.

“You get some rest, yeah?” You murmured, as she nodded sleepily, already dozing off. “I’m gonna stay here, don’t worry.” You whispered, as she fell asleep.

“Thank you.” She murmured, before soft snores emitted from her body, and you kissed the top of her head, before falling asleep yourself.

—

You awoke to see that Charlotte had gotten up already, and you smiled lightly. You moved to stand up, your legs buckling under you as your weight shifted. You inhaled deeply, placing your hands behind you on the tree trunk for support, as you slowly lifted yourself up, limping towards the center of the camp to find that everyone had seemingly fell back into a consistent rhythm.

You looked around, doing a quick mental check, alarms going off in your head as you noticed that two people were missing. “Where the hell is Trina and Pascal?” You asked rather loudly, to which people didn’t really seem to care.

“Atom’s leading a search party for them.” Bellamy called out to you, engaged in conversation with Murphy a few feet from the tree you had been sleeping at, before glancing down at your leg and then up at your face. “Why the hell are you walking?”

“You and Atom okay, then?” You asked, ignoring his second question, knowing that something had happened between the two of them because Atom made out with Octavia? You were unsure and didn’t really care.

He just nodded briefly, trowing an ax at a tree, embedding itself in the bark, as Atom and the others strutted up. “We searched a half mile, all directions. No sign of Trina or Pascal.” Atom said.

“Why didn’t you search more?” You demanded, worry seeping into your tone, although logically you understood why they didn’t.

“Visit your special tree when you were out there?” Murphy drawled, confusing you slightly, and you saw a look of shame flit across Atom’s face, realization hitting you, your body shaking with anger, though you tried to contain in, settling for physically vibrating where you stood.

“Atom took his punishment. Let it go.” Bellamy ordered Murphy, and that was a bit too much. You turned on your heel to face him, glaring dangerously at him, your hand in fists, shaking by your sides, your jaw clenched in anger.

“What the hell did you do!?” You spat at him, and he you gasped, appalled, when he half rolled his eyes.

“Could be grounders.” Atom suggested, effectively interrupting you, and you turned away from Bellamy, considering elbowing him in the stomach, though decided not to, to try and remain at least a little bit civil.

“Yeah, or they could just be in pound town.” Murphy droned, and you felt yourself beginning to shake with anger once more as Atom looked away from Murphy. “Lot of that going around recently.” Murphy continued, both you and Bellamy both shooting him a dirty look, Bellamy walking up to the tree, retrieving his ax.

You saw Atom glance over, away from the small group, and your gaze followed his, settling on Octavia. It seemed that she noticed you as she gave a small wave which you returned, Atom effectively ignoring her, as he turned away to face the older Blake sibling.

“Look, Bellamy.” He began, as you hobbled over the three or so feet to be a little closer. “People are scared, and that dying kid. He’s not helping the morale around here.”

You took in a shaky breath, anger flooding through your system, before you felt yourself overflowing, immediately yelling at Atom, your arms flailing around dangerously to emphasize your point. “That, dying kid,” you spat out, feeling your nails digging dangerously into the palms of your hands, “saved Octavia’s life. That, dying kid, is my friend, so why don’t you shut the fuck up!” You yelled at him, so angry that tears began to fall from your eyes, knowing that your argument had derailed, but it didn’t matter. Nobody was going to trash your friends. Not even another friend.

You lips quivered, hot, angry tears burning in your eyes at you glared at him, feeling a reassuring hand on your shoulder, and almost immediately you didn’t feel angry. You looked over your shoulder briefly, and saw Bellamy standing there, a rather stoic look on his face, though as he made brief eye contact with you, his face softened ever so slightly, and immediately you felt your anger melt away, only left with a pit in your stomach, the nausea that tends to follow your angry outbursts. You closed your eyes and took a shaky breath, and immediately noticed the regret in Atom’s eyes, which made you feel a bit ashamed for your outburst.

“Morale will go up when I find them more food.” Bellamy said quickly after your outburst, his response a bit pointed, as he gently removing his hand from your shoulder.

“What do we say when they ask about Trina and Pascal?” A kid asked, and you were a bit embarrassed that you did not remember his name.

“They’re probably lost.” You said surely, trying to reassure yourself that the were probably lost, despite the gut feeling that something was wrong.

“Now? Nothing.” Bellamy said gruffly. “(y/l/n)’s right, they’re probably lost.” He said, reiterating your point. “Keep an eye out for them when we go hunting later.” He said, and you took that as your cue to leave the little group, hobbling back towards the dropship, not noticing that Bellamy and Murphy had lingered behind.

You sighed as you entered the dropship, staring up at the little ladder, closing your eyes tightly. And before all of your confidence abandoned you, you started up the ladder, gritting your teeth as pain shot up your left leg. You hissed slightly as you managed to get to the top of the ladder, sitting in the trapdoor for a moment, before pulling your legs up onto the second level, as you limped over to where Jasper was, immediately grabbing his hand.

“The medicine working?” You asked Clarke who was hovering over Jasper, cleaning out his wounds, a perplexed look on her face.

She just shook her head sadly. The perplexed look returned, as the inspected the poultice (you think that’s what she had called it), before speaking. “The grounders cauterized the wound. Saved his life.”

“Couldn’t you use that for medicine?” You suggested.

“Saved his life so they could string him up for live bait.” You did a double take as you heard Finn’s voice, not realizing that he had been up there, your sole focus being Jasper.

“This is infected. It could be septic.” Clarke said, ignoring the both of you, turning frantically towards Monty. “Any progress on using the wristbands to contact the Ark?”

You tuned out momentarily, your face scrunching up as you tried to keep yourself from crying, and you felt a reassuring hand resting on top of yours, your eyes jolting open to see Wells giving you a sad, sympathetic smile.

You responded with a sad teary smile, as he let go, and you discreetly tried to wipe the unshed tears from your eyes, before standing up and hobbling over towards Monty, tuning out of whatever menial spat Wells and Clarke were having, sitting on the floor next to his chair, immediately grabbing his hand, squeezing gently.

He turned towards you, and you immediately saw the distraught in his eyes, placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. “It wasn’t your fault.” You reassured, though from the broken look in his eyes, you knew he didn’t believe that. You didn’t really blame him; had you been him, you wouldn’t have believed you either.

“Alright, you wanna help? Hold him down.” Clarke commanded, and you immediately knew that whatever happened next, you would not be able to stomach.

“Hey, I’m gonna go help with hunting.” You said shakily, though no one was really hunting, and you gently squeezed Monty’s hand before hissing in pain as you jumped down the rungs of the ladder, trying to put as much distance between yourself and reality as you could.

You panted slightly as you reached the bottom of the ladder, looking over to see Atom sitting near the foot of the ladder. You didn’t really pay much attention to him, as you hobbled over to the miscellaneous crate, overlooking a small box in your zeal to leave, pulling out a spool of twine. You looked over and saw that Octavia had entered the dropship, and you immediately began to move faster, wanting to avoid whatever their conversation was about, as it seemed a bit personal.

You exited the dropship as Jasper bellowed in pain, your hands moving to cover your ears to keep from listening to the cries of your friend, biting down on your lip to keep from screaming out in anguish, as tears fell from your eyes. You felt your heart breaking for your friend, and you closed your eyes, trying to shut it out, as Octavia rushed past you into the dropship, confusing you a bit because you had just seen her inside of it.

The scream stopped, and it remained eerily calm for a second, your stomach dropping in fear that the worst had happened, but as you heard another groan of pain, you felt your pulse begin to regulate. You took a painful step away from the dropship, your bottom lip quivering as tears pooled in your eyes, each step you took away from the dropship -from Jasper- becoming harder and harder.

You closed your eyes briefly, taking a shaky breath, before you hobbled out of camp, pushing your anxiety deep down, your sole focus having to be finding a meal for everyone.

—

You had been walking for about an hour, before you finally stopped, leaning on a tree to rest for a brief second, before scoping the area slightly. It was at the top of a slight hill, the bottom secluded with some rocks which would make a good vantage point, as you pulled out the twine, setting two traps; one which would be better for catching small creatures and one better for catching larger ones.

You took out your knife, and quickly jabbed the tree, wincing as you did so, you didn’t want to hurt the tree giving you a marker as the where the trap was. True, these traps were really only practical with someone waiting nearby, because if the animal had too much time they would most likely be able to free themselves. But it was more important, you decided, to set up multiple traps so that the odds of catching something would be a little higher.  

You meandered around for a few more minutes, before walking limping towards a different section of the forest, which was a little closer to the camp, though in a place that was far enough away that animals wouldn’t be scared away.  

You set up a trap, and looked around, seeing a good perch a few yards away, before you sat down, wincing slightly as you did so, your leg throbbing in pain. It slowly ebbed away the longer you sat, and you glanced down at your watch, and saw that only ten minutes had passed before you stood up, hearing the oinking of a warthog, as you creeped closer to it, seeing it head in the direction of your trap.

You looked around, and saw a head of hair moving around in the tall ferns, a hand shooting up to cover your mouth, unsure of if it was a group from camp or grounders. They shifted forward, and you saw Bellamy’s face, and you relaxed a bit, slowly moving forward in the ferns towards the pig, hoping that it would walk into the trap.

A tree branch snapped from behind you, and you saw an ax fly through the air, and you ran in the direction the ax had been thrown, ignoring the pig that was running away.

“Charlotte!” You cried out, as you saw the ax embedded in the tree next to her, a small smile spread across her face as you wrapped your arms around her, enveloping her tightly in your arms.

You heard a sigh from behind you. “Oh great, you’re here too.” Bellamy mumbled, and you let go of Charlotte, and turned around to see Bellamy’s eyes closed in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose, before he sighed once more.

“I’m not little.” Charlotte said, letting you know that you had walked in on the middle of some conversation, and you slowly moved away, heading in the direction in which the pig had went, letting them continue their conversation.

“I’m not done with you, (y/l/n)!” Bellamy yelled out, after you.

“That’s great, Blake!” You sassed, waving your hand at him, not bothering to turn around. You ignored him, purposefully veering off of the path from where the pig had gone, because you had left camp to be away from people. If you were going to be around people, you’d rather it be around people you liked. And you didn’t like Bellamy and his little posse.

You had been wandering for about 10 minutes, when you came upon a little clearing, and set up another trap, when you heard a bellow in the distance, and you looked up from where you had been squatting, seeing a large plume of yellow fog, and you felt your feet rooted in place.

You saw Bellamy running towards you, grabbing Charlotte, before you felt your wrist being yanked, as he pulled you with them. You ran with them, faster than you could painlessly, a slight whimper escaping you as the pain spread throughout your leg, feeling as if your calf was on fire.

He motioned for you and Charlotte to climb up the small little hill, and he gently pushed her into the cave. You lingered in the mouth of the cave, seeing Bellamy look around frantically, hearing someone scream his name, though the fog was now surrounding him, and you grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside of the cave.

You both walked speedily, reaching the end of the cave where Charlotte was, and saw her sitting on some rocks, and as you looked at her you saw the exhaustion settle on her face.

“You should get some rest.” You told her, as you sat down next to Bellamy. “We don’t know how long we’re gonna be here.”

That seemed to do the trick, because after about five minutes she got comfortable and was almost immediately asleep, you and Bellamy sitting down, your heart beating rapidly, exhaustion settling into your limbs.

You took a deep breath as you laid you head back against the wall of the cave, closing your eyes briefly, before opening them to see Bellamy’s angry gaze on you.

“What?” You asked, not in the mood for whatever he had to say.

“What the hell were you doing?” He asked, and you rolled your eyes slightly.

“I was setting up traps.” You said, and he looked at you blankly. “You know, for hunting?” You said condescendingly.

His face lit up with realization, before he shook his head, scoffing slightly. “We didn’t think of that.” He admitted quietly.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. “Of course you didn’t. You never think about anything.” You said, your exasperation seeping into your light tone.

“You’re one to talk.” He quipped, and you glared at him, as if daring him to continue. “You’re not supposed to be walking around on your leg.” He scolded, motioning towards your leg.

“Clarke said it was fine.” You lied, trying to keep yourself from wincing as the pain in your leg started to throb a bit more.

He gave you a look, rolling his eyes. “No she didn’t.”

“Yes she did.” You said, a fake smile pulled across your face as your face scrunched up.

“No she didn’t because she told me that you weren’t allowed to be on your leg. Also, you should elevate your leg.” He said, and you were a bit flabbergasted, at a loss for words. When had they had this conversation? What? Why? They had talked about you?

Your mouth was slightly agape, a look of disgusted confusion on your face, as you sat there, trying to piece together what to say. He sighed deeply in exasperation, and gently gripped your leg, pulling it slightly so that it was draped across his legs, your hips touching, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“What are you doing?” You said frantically, your voice high and squeaky, feeling a bit uncomfortable being so close to someone.

“Elevating your leg.” He replied, as if it were obvious.

You stared at him in confusion for a few seconds, before shaking your head returning to his previous question. “Clarke said that I should avoid being on my leg.” You corrected, and he snorted slightly, and you could practically hear him roll his eyes.

“So then why’d your stubborn ass not listen to her?” He asked, and you stared at him, in slightly disbelief, scoffing while shaking your head.

“You’re one to talk, Blake.” You said, and he laughed slightly, shaking his head.

“I’m not the one with an injury.” He reminded you, and you shrugged your shoulders, laughing bitterly, the tone of the conversation changing.

“Bellamy.” You began, and he chose not to comment on the fact that this was the first time you had said his name as opposed to Blake other than the time you had screeched because you though a giant panther was gonna kill him, and he decided that he quite liked the way his name sounded on your lips, sounding far more natural than Blake. “We’re trapped down here.” You said, your voice slightly shaky. “We have no idea how to survive, and literally everything is killing us. Forget the grounders for a moment, we still don’t know how to survive. If I stay off my leg, I’m a sitting duck.” You said, laughing bitterly, feeling tears prickling at your eyes.

“Yeah, but you just slow everyone down with your leg.” He said rather callously, and immediately regretted it as you sniffled slightly, trying to suppress the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Bellamy, I’m not even eighteen.” You said, your voice cracking. “I don’t want to die.” Your voice quivered, and you brought your hands up to your eyes, wiping away the unshed tears, a small teary laugh escaping your mouth.

He sighed deeply, regret etched onto his features, and he subconsciously moved to drape his arm over your shoulders, but instantly stopped himself, resulting in his arm jerking slightly. He closed his eyes momentarily, before changing the subject. “Does your leg hurt?” He asked carefully, not letting his worry seep into his tone.

You instantly nodded, not realizing exactly how much it was hurting, feeling a much more acute sense of pain now that it had been mentioned. “There’s not really much I can do.” You told him, trying to focus on something other than the pain.

“Yeah, I’m sor-”

“Sorry.” You interrupted him, teeth gritted through the pain. “Can we talk about something else? Talking about this makes my leg hurt more.” You told him, indirectly indicating that you needed a distraction.  

His eyes widened briefly, before he nodded awkwardly, a bit mechanically. He cleared his throat, slightly. “Did you get any sleep last night?” He asked.

“Yeah, like two hours.” You said shrugging slightly, exhaustion seeping into your very being, as the last of the adrenaline wore off, trying to fight off the exhaustion.

“You should rest.” He commented, and you scoffed rolling your eyes.

“I’m not tired.” You say stubbornly, stifling a yawn immediately after saying it, your eyelids becoming heavier as you shivered slightly, a sharp cold wind seeming to pierce through you.

He scoffed, and cocked an eyebrow as if to say ‘really?’ before shaking his head slightly, and amused smirk on his face.

“You should rest, too.” You told him, and you glanced at your watch, seeing that you had only been stuck in the cave for 15 minutes. “How much sleep did you get last night?” You asked pointedly, because given the fact that you had seen him up at around 4 in the morning was an indicator that he got about the same amount of sleep as you.

“About the same.” He answered gruffly, reaffirming your suspicions, before continuing to ask you another question, not liking when the focus was on him. “Why did you only get two hours of sleep?”

You shook your head in thought. “Um, I was up watching Jasper so that Clarke could get some sleep. I had to wake up Clarke and then she went to get water, so after a few minutes I went to find her.”

“When you were climbing down the ladder?” He interrupted, anger seeping into his tone, his jaw clenched, and you felt yourself get angry.

“Yes, and I don’t see what the big problem is.” You said arrogantly, enunciating every word. You scoffed slightly and rolled your eyes. You didn’t understand why he was making a big deal about it, after all you were the one with the bad leg.

He laughed bitterly, staring up at the ceiling of the cave, shaking his head slightly. “You are impossible.” He muttered out.

You stared at him in disgust, your mouth agape, as an appalled gasp left you. “Excuse me!?” You demanded, as if daring him to repeat what he said. Your anger usually had an impact on people.

He just rolled his eyes, and you felt more offended. “When did you actually sleep?” He asked, ignoring your outburst, and you were so shocked that you stared at him blankly for a few minutes, no witty retort popping into your brain.

He sighed deeply, his expression changing, his brown eyes melting. “You should rest.” He repeated, though this time his voice was soft, his eyes tender, and you felt your heart catch in your throat as realization hit you.

Bellamy Blake was gorgeous.

Sure, he might be a self-centered, power-hungry jackass, but damn if he wasn’t pretty. Did good genes just run in the Blake family?  

You blinked out of your momentary stupor, shaking your head as if to shake the thought away from your head, not going to let him catch you staring at him. You leaned your head back against the wall of the cave, looking up, a small sigh escaping your lips, before sitting up again. “I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.” You admitted.

He looked at you oddly, a soft smirk on his face, waiting patiently for you to elaborate. “And why’s that?” He asked, when you didn’t, his voice rumbling deeply.

You scoffed slightly, shaking your head, because you weren’t sure if you were being ridiculous or not. “I can’t sleep when I’m cold.” You said to him, biting on your lip to keep from yourself from laughing at your ridiculousness.

A small smile appeared on his face, a small snort escaping him, and you felt his smile to be infectious, your face morphing into a small, genuine smile, giggling slightly.

“It was colder last night.” Bellamy pointed out, and you shrugged your shoulders, an exaggerated confused look on your face.

You motioned with your head over to Charlotte, who was sleeping rather peacefully. “She kind of used me as a human pillow.” You said.

Almost immediately, Bellamy wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him, and you could feel the body heat radiating off of him, your body feeling more relaxed despite the panic that you were having.

“What are you doing?” You hissed at him, your eyes frantic, the tips of your ears burning, and your cheeks began to warm up. Too much touch made you feel uncomfortable, and you felt your anxiety begin to bubble over, a lump forming in your throat, internally yelling at yourself that this was not something to freak out about, especially since you always craved touch. Overall, you felt as if you weren’t in control, which made you feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety.

“Relax.” He said gruffly, unaware of the momentary inner turmoil you were experiencing. “Body heat.” He said simply, gently bringing you closer to him, careful so as not to disrupt your leg, still on top of his. His hand gently moved up to the side of your head, gently nudging you, so that your head rested upon his right shoulder, your anxiety instantly melting away as you felt heat radiate off of him, embracing you softly.

You breathing evened, your eyelids growing heavier, his steady heartbeat lulling you to sleep even faster. His shoulder slouched slightly, and his head rested gently atop of yours, and you could feel his breath tickle your forehead, your eyesight growing misty as sleep came closer.

“Bellamy?” You asked, your eyes closed, on the brink of sleep, voice soft and hoarse, scared that if you spoke too loud you might disrupt the peace that was slowly accumulating.

“Hmm.” He hummed in response, his chest reverberating as he did so, causing you to smile subconsciously.

“Good night.” You muttered, nearly incohesively, before you drifted to sleep.

“Good night, Miss Proper.” He muttered out, a soft smile on his face, having said it too late for you to hear.

—

You awoke to a scream, jolting up, immediately noticing that your position had shifted. Somehow you and Bellamy had ended up lying down next to the boulder which Charlotte was sleeping on, one of his arms under your neck, your head resting in the crook of his neck, one of your arms slung over his chest, his other hand resting gently on your stomach. Your left leg was still precariously draped over his, though twisted at an angle which allowed you to cuddle into him.

You both immediately untangled your limbs from one another, shooting up into sitting positions, him shaking Charlotte awake as she still thrashed in her sleep, and you instinctively reached for her hand, squeezing lightly as she woke up, fear apparent on her face.

“I’m sorry.” She said almost instinctively, a look of guilt etched onto her face.

You and Bellamy shot each other momentary glances of concern, the same look of worry and sympathy on your faces.

“Does it happen often?” He asked gently, still kneeling in front of her, as you moved to sit next to her on the boulder, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, and she melted into you.

She sighed deeply, and you breathed out shakily, trying to keep your emotions in check for her sake. Getting angry or emotional wouldn’t help in this situation.

“What are you scared of?” He asked, and she looked away from him, trying to keep from looking at him and you, and instantly you knew the shame she felt. When she didn’t answer, he continued, “You know what? It doesn’t matter.” He said, and you felt angry.

You shot him a dirty look because why the hell would he try to invalidate her fear? He seemed to ignore you or not notice you, because he continued, “The only thing that matters is what you do about it.” He said, a small sympathetic smile on his face, and your angry look softened, a sad sympathetic look replacing it, feeling a bit ashamed at your lack of faith in him.

“But…I’m asleep?” Charlotte asked, despite it being a statement, confusion lacing her voice.

“Fears are fears.” Bellamy told her, his face soft and genuine, unlike the raging hothead with the clenched jaw and anger lines that you always saw. You much decided that you liked this Bellamy better.

“Slay your demons when you’re awake, they won’t be there to get you when you sleep.” He said, gently tapping her leg. The amount of wisdom in his words scarily surprised you. You winced silently, the angle you were sitting on hurting your leg.

“Yeah, but how?” Charlotte asked, while you slowly moved off of the rock, sitting so that you were leaning against it, your leg screaming in momentary pain at the sudden shift, but it ultimately subsided, and you moved your hand up again to grip Charlotte’s and she sent you a soft grateful smile, squeezing your hand gently.

“You can’t afford to be weak.” Bellamy said, and although you hated the sentiment of telling her that she couldn’t be weak, you also knew that it was necessary, which is why you couldn’t afford to rest your leg. “Down here, weakness is death. Fear is death.” He said, and she stared at him blankly.

“Think about it like this, my leg is injured.” You began, trying to explain a bit to Charlotte, while also trying to get Bellamy to truly understand his own words. “There’s nothing I can do about it, but continue on. If I don’t do that, and try to rest, I’ll be dead, like that.” You said, snapping your fingers, and it seemed that you didn’t reach her, but your words reached Bellamy, his face hardened, and you could see an angry glare in his eyes. But somehow you understood that it wasn’t directed towards you.

“Let me see that knife I gave you.” He said, his eyes softening, and she carefully took it out, and handed it to him. “Now when you feel afraid,” He continued. “You hold tight to that knife and you say, ‘Screw you. I’m not afraid.’” He said, as she gingerly took the knife back from him.

You sighed to yourself, knowing that that wasn’t the wisdom that you wanted to impart on children, but what you wanted wasn’t an option anymore. You would need to shove away some of your opinions if you were going to be able to survive.

“Screw you, I’m not afraid.” Charlotte echoed with her eyes shut, her voice monotone. She opened her eyes to be met with an amused look on both Bellamy’s and your face, before she closed her eyes momentarily, beginning again.  

“Screw you, I’m not afraid.” She said again, with a little more conviction in her voice, staring at Bellamy, and you glanced over and saw a proud smirk on his face, and suddenly you felt a pit in your stomach; this poor child, none of you in fact, should have to have that mentality, or have to say that to themselves. You turned away, nausea consuming you as you laid back down where you were before, shivering from the lack of body heat.  

“Slay your demons, kid.” Bellamy told her. “Then you’ll be able to sleep.” He said, before lying down next to you, his body inches from yours.

You were able to sense his presence, and shook your head slightly, trying to keep your teeth from chattering as you heard a sigh from next to you, as Bellamy slowly scooched closer to you, heat radiating off of his body.

“What are you doing?” You asked, your teeth chattering slightly, and you could practically hear him roll his eyes.

“God, you’re impossible, (y/l/n).” He muttered, and you just scoffed, turning around to face him, a look of disbelief on your face, unsure of how to answer that statement.

You paused as you searched his face, a look of amused frustration gracing his features. You propped your elbow in the dirt, using your hand to prop up your head, tilted slightly as you looked at him, an amused confusion spread across your face, your lips slightly parted, despite your small smirk.

He rolled his eyes, the amused smirk still present on his face, patting his right shoulder, and without thinking you rested your head there, subconsciously nuzzling into him, the warmth overtaking your body.  

You both lied there, relaxed for a few minutes, and you nearly felt all of your worries melt away. If you had thought about it a little bit more, you would’ve been a bit more concerned, because how could you have fallen into such an easy intimacy with someone you hate?

You were pulled from the moment as Charlotte shivered, seeming to jar you back into reality. You sat up, feeling your cheeks begin to warm, pressing your lips into a thin line, avoiding glancing at Bellamy.

“Charlotte.” You called out, and she glanced over at you. You threw her a small smile, before scooching slightly to your left, patting the now empty space between you and Bellamy, offering it to her.

She nodded enthusiastically and crawled over to the two of you, settling into the space, throwing you both a grateful smile. You returned it, slowly combing your fingers through her hair in a soothing motion, pressing a kiss to her hairline, while Bellamy hugged her gently.

She slowly dozed off in the center of you two, and you continued your small motions, smiling sadly at her, feeling tears prick at your eyes. You felt Bellamy’s gaze on you, before you looked over at him, worry apparent in his eyes.

“It’s my fault.” You explained hoarsely, your voice prickly with the anticipation of tears.

“Hey,” He said, moving his hand to rest on yours, squeezing gently. “It’s not your fault.”

You smiled sadly at him, shaking your head, because you knew that that wasn’t true. “It actually is my fault.” You said, shaking your head, a bitter laugh escaping your lips, before you looked back at him, your voice more even, though still whispering. “Do you remember when there was like a five or six year old that was arrested?”

His eyebrows furrowed, deep in thought, his lips parted slightly, before he remembered, his eyes widening momentarily. “Yeah, that was about, um, 12 years ago, right?” He asked, his face scrunching up as he tried to remember if he got the details correctly.

“Yeah.” You reassured breathily, exhaling before shaking your head, a sad smile on your face. “That was me.” You told him, and his eyes widened in shock as he stared at you, trying to possibly formulate what that meant.

“Shit.” Was all he could say, a sad look of sympathy on his face.

“Yeah.” You agreed, laughing slightly. “Um,” You started, unsure of whether he was the right person to share this story with, but it didn’t really matter; you had already started. “So, my parents were floated when I was either five or six.” You began.

“You don’t remember how old you were?” He asked, his question genuine, not laced with any hints of sarcasm or malice.

You just shook your head while shrugging your shoulders. “I don’t really know.” You admitted, though it was a bit hard for you. Who the hell doesn’t remember when there parents died? “I… I, was too young to understand death.” You stammered, talking about this still a bit difficult for you.

“So, I was about five or six, when they came for my parents. Um, the guards.” You clarified, and he nodded slightly in understanding. “I had no idea what the fuck was going on.” You admitted, laughing sadly. “So, I attacked a guard, and basically, they arrested me, but I was also somehow able to go see my parents get floated?” You said, a bit confused. You shrugged, and shook your head slightly. “I don’t know, I don’t really remember the details. It was a long time ago.” You said, hoping that your lack of an explanation made a little bit of sense.

“I still don’t get how Charlotte being down here is your fault.” Bellamy said, and a hollow laugh escaped your lips as you looked around hopelessly.

“Well, that was when Marcus was first appointed to the council.”

“Hold up, Marcus?” He asked while laughing, a look of bewilderment on his face, confused as to why you were referring to Kane by his first name.

“Yeah.” You nodded, your tone slightly condescending, though you wore an amused smirk. “Vice Chancellor Marcus Kane.” You said, speaking to him as if he were a child, and he just rolled his eyes the shadow of a smirk apparent on his face.

“Anyways, he thought the claim was ridiculous and fought for me not to be arrested.” You told him, going back to your story. “He ended up winning, and then they instated the ‘law,’” you said with finger quotes, “that children under the age of 10 cannot be arrested.”

When he said nothing, you just shrugged your shoulders, the feeling of hopelessness returning. “So, it really is my fault.” You explained, your voice softer than before, though your voice cracked with emotion, anger and shame seeping into your tone.

“It’s not.” Bellamy said, finally. He reached over and gently squeezed your hand to reassure you. “It’s the shitty government’s fault.”

“Yeah, but I could’ve pushed for it to be older.” You blubbered, trying to reason with him that it was truly your fault. Because nothing would ever change your mind that it wasn’t.

“You were six!” He exclaimed, flabbergasted. “And your parents had just died.” He said, shaking his head as he laughed hollowly, and you wondered why he would be so upset about this because it didn’t involve him. “It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.” He said, and instantly any warm or fuzzy feeling you had for him flew out the window.

“You would know all about that, wouldn’t you.” You commented, your voice stony, a look of pity morphing into disgust on your face.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He asked, his face hardening, no longer the soft Bellamy from moments before.

You just scoffed at him, shaking your head in disbelief. “You tell me, Blake.” You rolled your eyes, anger and disappointment seeping into your tone. “You’re hiding something, and you’ve been hiding it the entire time.” You accused, and you saw his jaw clench, a clear indicator that you were correct.

“You’ve got no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” He hissed at you.

“I don’t?” You asked haughtily. “Because, you’re a twenty-three-year-old adult on the ground with a bunch of teenagers. You’re a jackass, and you want to stay in power, and for you, that means that all communication with the Ark is severed.” You said, laying out all the facts. “So yeah, you’re hiding something, and the rest of us are gonna die because of your selfishness, Blake.” You accused, rolling your eyes, feeling too disgusted to look at him.

He stayed quiet for a moment, and it confirmed your suspicions, feeling like a hollow victory. You heard him take a deep sigh, before speaking. “Octavia’s all I’ve got.” He whispered, his voice shaking, and you felt compelled to look back at him, seeing tears pricking at his eyes, his mouth slightly agape, his bottom lip quivering slightly.

He looked lost, a hopeless expression on his face, and he shrugged slightly, not looking you in the face. “My mom was floated last year. Never knew my dad.” He said briefly, though his comment seemed to reflect that he didn’t care much for his father, even if you assumed that he only knew very little.

“My entire life ended last year. My mom was floated and Octavia was arrested, and I was demoted to janitor. I can’t let my sister die.” He said, his voice trembling, and your reached for his hand, gently squeezing as he had done minutes before.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, and he just laughed bitterly, shrugging his shoulders.

“Nobody really understands, because they don’t have siblings.” He said, and you realized that that was true. “I love her so much.”

“I get it.” You said, sympathizing with him. You smiled slightly at him, taking a moment to catch your breath, trying to push away the lump which had formed in your throat. “I don’t have an actual sibling, but I was raised to have one.” You said briefly.

He threw you a quizzical look, and you took a shallow breath, a small smile appearing on your face. “I always say that I’m lucky.” You began.

He looked at you oddly, as if all your statements confused him. He seemed as if he was trying to piece it together, though in the end he looked a bit more confused than he had before. “But you’ve been an orphan all your life.” He commented, and you just shrugged your shoulders.

“I don’t actually really remember my parents. But, I always say that I’m luck because I was raised by three wonderful humans.” You said, your smile growing wider as you remembered them. “So, the parents of my best friend, and Marcus.” You elaborated.

He snorted, looking at you, his eyes widening with amusement. “Kane rose you?” He asked, a tone of disbelief in his voice. “He’s a dick, though.” He said, and you laughed brightly, shaking your head slightly.

“He is now. But, he wasn’t a while ago.” You agreed, the smile from your face fading slightly as you remembered the man he was now. You sighed slightly, and shrugged your shoulders, “He’s a different person now. He was really kind, but I guess working so long for the government changed him.” You said sadly, feeling a bit hollow as you remembered the change in him.

“But anyway, my best friend’s parents raised me, and I think of him as a brother. I mean we did everything together, and we got into stupid fights about stupid things and he would push my buttons and there were days where I yelled and scolded him. I would either pretend not to know him or he would be my best friend, often my best friend.” You paused, looking over at Bellamy. “I don’t know if that’s what it’s like to have a sibling, but I always thought that he was the closest I would have to one.”

A half smile lit up Bellamy’s face as he laughed a little, a look of confusion and amusement in his face as he looked at you while you were talking. “That’s pretty close actually.” He admitted, and you smiled back at him.

“Hey, um, how long we’ve been in here?” He asked, feeling his cheeks become warm at seeing you so peaceful, an awkward pit forming in his stomach, as he avoided looking at you, trying to stomp out those sensations, his tone not reflecting any of the inner turmoil he was going through.

“Um, it has been,” You paused momentarily, squinting at your watch in the dim light, “about two hours.” You told him.

He nodded slightly. “I think I’m gonna sleep.” He said to you, momentarily adjusting himself slightly, careful not to disturb Charlotte. “You should too.” He said.

You nodded slightly in response, slowly lowering your head down, resting just below his forearm. You loosely wrapped an arm around Charlotte, smiling slightly from the warmth that she radiated, feeling your exhaustion hit you like a truck. You yawned tiredly, your body curling up slightly as you subconsciously inched closer to them, feeling a hand move to rest on your waist, a bit too tired to say anything about it.

“G’night (y/n).” Bellamy mumbled sleepily, his breath fanning across your face, and you smiled softly, feeling a bit comforted by it.

“G, night.” You mumbled back as he fell asleep, almost instantaneously, soft snores emitting from him.

Despite your exhaustion, you didn’t feel particularly sleepy. You laid there, conscious enough for your eyes to keep open, though drowsy enough for you to not be able to control your thoughts; you were admiring Bellamy’s sleeping features. The hard lines and clenched jaw which were often present, seemed to have vanished, his face softening. You were close enough that you were able to count all the freckles on his face, and you found yourself smiling a bit, because he really was gorgeous. It truly wasn’t fair.

Some distant part of your brain was yelling at you to stop doing this, because first of all it was a bit creepy, and second of all you didn’t even like him. He was rude and arrogant, although he was still somehow soft and vulnerable. You shook your head slightly, shaking the thoughts of admiration from your head, knowing that at some point soon you would clash heads once more.

You sighed, exasperated that sleep would not come to you, and you glanced at your watch once more, seeing that an hour had passed, and you groaned softly in frustration. You shivered slightly as a cold breeze entered the cave, and you scooched closer to them, before your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

If a cold breeze had entered and none of the thick porous fog had, did that mean it was gone?

You listened silently for a few moments, no longer hearing the steady whoosh of the fog, and you softly moved away from them, before attempting to stand up, gripping onto the rock on the side of the cave for support, standing fully. You limped towards the mouth of the cave, wincing as you stepped a bit too roughly, a burning pain shooting through your calf. You closed your eyes tightly, trying to will the pain away, before walking forward with gritted teeth.

You saw that there was no fog, and you felt a small smile form on your face, as you walked back into the cave, trying to keep yourself from jogging back, knowing that it would hurt.

“Bellamy!” You whispered to him, shaking him slightly, and he woke up, looking alarmed, his face immediately relaxing at seeing you. “The fog’s gone.” You told him, and you thought he would have been happy.

Instead there was a scowl on his face. He opened his mouth, about to chastise you for walking on your leg, though stopped himself, before scoffing and shaking his head, moving to wake Charlotte up.

You huffed as he ignored you, and you rolled your eyes at him because he was being a child. You walked to the mouth of the cave waiting for him and Charlotte to catch up, both rubbing the sleep from their eyes, all of you squinting at the harsh morning light that came from the outside of the cave.

“It’s all clear.” Bellamy said, and you turned to him with a ‘what the fuck’ look.

“Yeah. I just said that.” You said, shaking your head in disbelief at him.

“Anybody out here!?” He yelled out, ignoring you, and suddenly you remembered the voice that had screamed for him, bile forming in your mouth.

“Jones!” He yelled out, and you felt a paralyzing fear that you had lost someone, feeling your stomach contort.

“We’re here!” Jones yelled out, and you and Bellamy shared a momentary glance before you headed in the direction in which he had yelled from, Charlotte following the both of you.

You felt a shaky sigh of relief escape you as you saw three other making their way towards you.

“Lost you in the stew. Where’d you go?” Bellamy asked, and your face scrunched up in confusion, because it was a bit of an odd phrase.

“Made it to a cave down there.” Jones said, motioning behind them with a makeshift spear. “The hell was that?”

“I don’t know.” Bellamy answered, and you mentally did a head count, before your mental alarm went off that someone was missing.

“Where’s Atom?” You asked shakily, though in your gut you already knew the answer. The silence from them was enough to confirm your suspicions, and you let out a choked sob, your hands moving to cover your mouth, in an attempt to keep you from screaming out.

Your bottom lip trembled, a look of panic on your face as you looked between them momentarily. “What are you waiting for? We have to find him!” You yelled, blood pounding in your ears as you took a few shaky breaths, feeling as if you were drowning, tears pricking at the corner of your eyes. Ignoring your emotions, you turned on your heel and began to run though the forest.  

“Fuck.” Bellamy muttered, immediately chasing after you, calling out for you, though you continued to run, despite the throbbing in your leg, only stopping once he caught up to you, your leg screaming with exhaustion.

“Bellamy, we have to find him.” You said to him, biting your trembling lip to keep from whimpering out, a few tears beginning to fall as you stubbornly wiped them away, knowing that they wouldn’t help.

He sighed, looking away from you, feeling his heart catch in his throat at seeing you so distressed, and he nodded slightly. “We will. I promise.” He said to you.

You heard Charlotte scream from behind you, and you and Bellamy ran towards her as she screamed again, your heart catching in your throat as you saw Atom at the bottom of the slight hill, his skin chapped and bloody, as if the fog had been eating through his flesh.

You breathed shakily, feeling your heart pounding in your chest, your feet rooted in position till you saw his chest rise shakily, and instantly you moved forward, tumbling slightly over a few roots. Bellamy followed you as you crouched beside Atom, gently grabbing his hand.

“Hey, you’re gonna be okay.” You said, your voice quivering with the lie.

His face contorted in pain, and you shifted slightly so that you gently rested your hand on his forehead, remembering that that often comforted people.

Bellamy looked concerned and unsure of what to do, and you thought that you saw a bit of shame flit through his eyes, and your other hand moved to grab Bellamy’s wrist, trying to reassure him that this wasn’t his fault.

Atom began muttering, his words slowly becoming comprehensible. “Kill me.” He begged raspily, and you shut your eyes, letting a few tears silently fall, before looking over at Bellamy who had the same unsure and scared look on his face.

You continued to gently whisper to him, gently carding your fingers through his hair. “You’re gonna be okay.” You lied tearfully, trying to believe it, as you repeated it like a mantra, as if the more you said it the more it would make it true.

You looked up and saw that the rest of the group had gotten there, and Atom continued to write in pain.

“Can’t. Breathe.” He choked out, and you shut your eyes tightly, continuing to gently card your fingers through his hair, before opening your eyes to see Charlotte hand her knife to Bellamy.

“Don’t be afraid.” She said simply, and you shook your head slightly.

“Bellamy, no.” You choked out, seeing the determination in his eyes, and you shook your head, hoping that he wouldn’t.

“Go back to camp.” He told the others, looking away from you, and you closed your eyes, trying to reason with yourself that this was something that had to be done, despite the fact that you were in pain that this was the only option.

“Charlotte, you too.” He said, his voice heavy and pleading, trying to get her to leave.

“Charlotte, please.” You elaborated, begging her to go back. You couldn’t let her stay for this.

She reluctantly walked away, and you slightly adjusted Atom’s head so that it was propped up slightly, resting on your thigh, as you began to sing gently to him, nodding slightly at Bellamy who had kneeled down next to him, placing the knife against his throat, letting him know that this had to be done.

He hesitated with the knife, and you saw the fear and anguish in his face, your other hand grabbing his free hand squeezing slightly to let him know that you were there. That he wasn’t alone in this.

“Bellamy.” You said softly, his eyes meeting yours, a look of pure anguish on his face. He gripped your hand tightly, closing his eyes tightly in pain, before his grip on your hand gentled and he looked over his shoulder, Clarke standing there.

You returned to singing to Atom, trying to ease his mind, as she immediately walked over and kneeled down on the other side of him, before looking between the both of you.

“I heard screams.” She said.

“Charlotte found him.” Bellamy told her, and your voice quivered as a slight sob escaped you, though you continued to sing softly. “I sent her back to camp.” He said, his voice breaking slightly, and you squeezed his hand again.

You saw her look between the both of you, and she smiled sadly, and your eyes widened in realization of what she was gonna do, and you shook your head softly at her, and you stopped singing briefly.

She gave you a sad smile, and a small questioning look, and you nodded in understanding, before singing to him again, carding your fingers through his hair, as he stilled a little bit, though his body still wracked with pain.

“Ok.” Clarke whispered to him, a sad small smile on her face, her voice cracking. “I’m gonna help you, all right?” She said, taking the knife from Bellamy, and you both looked at her in painful awe as she stuck the knife into the side of his throat, the blood slowly seeping out of his neck and onto your pants, as she hummed with you, gently stroking his face as the light slowly vanished from his eyes.

You lip quivered, as you whimpered slightly, and you felt Bellamy wrap his arms around you, resting your head on his chest as you quietly cried into his shirt, your hand gripping Clarke’s fiercely as the three of you sat in quiet for a moment, trying to comprehend what had just happened. What the three of you had just done.

You found the peace a bit unsettling, tasting bile in your mouth, your stomach churning as you tried to scream -you wanted to scream- though you found no voice in your throat.

“How’re we gonna take him back?” You finally asked, your voice sounding chalky and broken, scared that if you spoke too loud it might make things worse.

“I’ve got some tarp in my pack.” Bellamy answered, his voice shaky as he took it out, and you and Clarke gently rolled his body onto the tarp, as she shakily stood up.

“I’ll go get Finn and Wells.” She said softly, before running away from the blood stained dirt, leaving her backpack abandoned.

“Bellamy?” You whispered out, your voice shaking as more tears threatened to spill from your eyes.  

“Yeah?” He asked gently, staring down at you, your body not having moved from when Atom’s head rested on your lap.

“I can’t stand up.” You said softly, your voice quivering.

He looked at you briefly, his eyes shutting momentarily as he bit down at his bottom lip, before looking down at you, reaching down to grab your arms and pull you up.

“Thank you.” You whispered to him, as you stood up, your legs trembling with pain.

Clarke, Wells and Finn appeared in the clearing momentarily, Clarke grabbing her backpack as Wells grabbed the other side of the tarp that Bellamy was holding, and the five of you began the trek back to camp in silence.

You whimpered slightly as you stepped wrong, immediately feeling a reassuring hand on your shoulder and looked back to see Bellamy with a look of worry on his face.

You laugh hollowly, shaking your head as you continued to walk again. “We never got food.” You commented to yourself.

You realized that you had slowed the group down considerably, despite the fact that you were walking as fast as you could, as it was nearly pitch black once you got back to camp.

Bellamy and Wells slowly placed Atom’s tarp covered body down, and Bellamy instantly walked up to you, placing your arm around his shoulders to use him as a crutch.

“Get Clarke whatever she needs.” He ordered to some kid, and he nodded, immediately turning to follow Clarke.

“I better go get this grave dug.” Wells said to you both.

“I’ll help.” You offered.

“No. You’re not.” Bellamy said to you, and you rolled your eyes at him.

“I’m fine, Bellamy.” You argued.

“I have to agree with Bellamy on this, sorry (y/n).” Wells said, offering you a sympathetic smile. “Try to stay off your leg and let it heal.” He said kindly, moving away to begin digging the grave.

Bellamy glanced at you, and you rolled your eyes. “What?” You asked, annoyance in your tone.

“I’m not the only one who thinks you should stay off your leg.”

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever, Blake.”

You saw Octavia run to Clarke, and your eyes widened, remembering that she didn’t know. “Bellamy.” You whispered to him, and he looked at your briefly, your eyes flickering over to see Clarke trying to keep Octavia from heading towards you guys. “It’s not your fault.” You reassure quickly, before Octavia reaches you guys.

“Octavia, just stay there.” You told her, your voice a little shaky, as she tried to move past you and Bellamy.

“O, please, just stay back.” He pleaded, his voice heavy, his free arm trying to keep her from seeing him, though she pushed through.

“Stop.” She whined, gently pushing on his shoulder, and he let her pass, a look of despair on his face. You gently squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him that it would be okay, as the both of you waited for her response.

She knelt down and gently pulled the tarp back, revealing Atom’s mauled body, and you closed your eyes, instinctively hiding your face in Bellamy’s chest, his arms gently yet protectively wrapped around you, your stomach in knots at seeing his body again. You suddenly became hyper aware of the dried blood on your body, and felt a wave of queasiness wash over you, as you gulped, trying to keep your stomach from lurching, before looking back, trying to be there for Octavia.

“There’s nothing I could do.” Bellamy said, shame and guilt filling his voice.

“Don’t.” Octavia said shakily, and you shook your head at her, knowing that your response would’ve been similar, but still didn’t like the edge of accusation in her voice.

“We did all we could.” You told her, and suddenly her hardened expression reserved for her brother broke, and you saw the resemblance between them again; they had the same look of vulnerability: eyes quivering, lip trembling and shaky breathing.

She placed the tarp back onto him, her expression becoming angry as she walked past you both.

“O. O, please.” Bellamy begged, briefly leaving your side to follow her, leaving you a bit shaky.

“Don’t.” She repeated, this time extending her hand to keep Bellamy from her.

“It wasn’t his fault, Octavia.” You tried to reason with her, and she just scoffed, shaking her head.

“Whatever.” She said simply, before stalking off and you were sure that you could see tears in her eyes, though you decided not to press.

“It’s not your fault.” You repeated to Bellamy, though he avoided your gaze, and you saw the guilt on his face. “Bellamy.” You said trying to grab his attention, though he just continued ignoring you. “Bellamy, look at me.” You said gently, your hands moving to gently cup his face so that he would look at you, a hollow expression on his face.

“It’s not your fault.” You said softly, your voice quivering slightly as tears burned your eyes, threatening to fall.

You saw his broken expression change slightly, a fraction of the guilt leaving his eyes, and he seemed to nod, not quite in agreement with your words. He sniffed slightly, his expression becoming stoic as Murphy strolled up to the two of you. Your gaze hardened as he approached, still very wary of him.

“Lose anyone here?” Bellamy asked, his voice hard, and you were unsure if Murphy heard the slight tremble in his voice.

“No.” He replied curtly.

“Jasper?” Bellamy asked, and you were grateful that he did, not trusting your voice to come out in trembles if you asked about your friend, and you were not going to show vulnerability to John Murphy. Your feelings about being vulnerable in front of Bellamy Blake had changed, though.

“Still breathing. Barely.” He said, and you felt a little bit of relief set in. “I tried to take him out -”

Your eyes widened and your nostrils flared, anger seething in your bones and you would’ve lurched forward and strangled him if Bellamy hadn’t had a firm grip on your shoulder preventing you from doing so, so instead you stood still, visibly shaking with anger.

“But your psycho little sister-”

And that’s when Bellamy seemed to have lost it, his grip on you disappearing. No longer anchored, you punched Murphy in the stomach, your hand colliding slightly with Bellamy who gripped him by the collar.

“My what?” He screamed at him, and suddenly you became afraid, because even if your temper was always as bad as this outburst, Murphy wasn’t worth the amount of anger that Bellamy was exuding.

“Bellamy!” You exclaimed, placing a hand on his shoulder, trying to pull him off of Murphy, and he instinctively shoved your hand off with his shoulder. “He’s not worth it.” You told him, trying to calm him down.

“Your little sister.” Murphy said, rather calmly though you heard the slight hint of fear in his tone, and he pushed Bellamy off of him.

“Bellamy.” You cried out, trying to pull him away from Murphy, though he remained rooted in place, your hand still resting on his shoulder.

“Yeah that’s right. My little sister.” He spat out. “Got anything else you wanna say about her?” He challenged.

“Bellamy.” You begged softly, breathing shakily as you tried to pull him away from Murphy.

“Nothing.” Murphy drawled, rolling his eyes slightly. “Sorry.”

Bellamy turned away from him, gently grabbing your hand from his shoulder with a gentle squeeze as if to thank you for not letting him escalate the situation more. He looked at you briefly, guilt flashing over his face as he saw the fear and exasperation written across your features. He took a shaky breath, his anger leaving him, before glancing back at Murphy. “Get him out of here.” He said, motioning towards Atom’s body, and you could hear the exhaustion and exasperation in his tone. He walked off, a group of people moving to bring Atom’s body over to the small graveyard that had already begun.  

You followed, hobbling after him, and you saw him come up to a relatively empty section of camp, sitting on a log with his head in his hands, a look mixed between guilt and shame on his face.

“What do you want, (l/n)?” He asked, not looking up, and you ignored his question, sitting down next to him.

“You look like you could use a friend.” You said simply, and he looked up from his hands, a slight look of confusion on his face.

“We friends now?” He asked, and you laughed slightly shrugging your shoulders. Your laugh seemed to be infectious, because his lips gently curled up into a smile, though the sadness was still apparent in his eyes.

“How about on a trial basis?” You joked, and he rolled his eyes, snorting slightly, shaking his head.

“That’s awful.” He said about your joke, his warm soft melancholy smile on his face.

You shrugged your shoulders in slight defense. “I never said I was funny.” You defended. “Although it’s sort of true.” You were sort of friends.

He laughed silently, though the heaviness returned, and he sat up a little, though avoided looking at you, and you saw the vulnerable Bellamy Blake. The real Bellamy Blake, the one you were fond of.

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk.” You gently reassured him, placing your hand on top of his, offering him a sad half-smile, understanding the inner turmoil he was feeling. He offered you a grateful smile, readjusting his hand so that he was loosely holding onto yours, looking away from you, letting his face darken, his eyes quivering, his bottom lip trembling and breathing in shaky shallow breaths.

You both remained like that for about ten minutes, before he spoke, breaking the thick, though comfortable silence.

“Do you wanna check on Jasper?” He asked, and you looked at him with surprise, because every time you went to check on Jasper he chastised you.

“Are you gonna let me, Blake?” You asked, laughing in confusion.

He laughed, shaking his head. “Even if I said no, you would do it anyway.” He pointed out, and you felt slightly embarrassed as he pointed that out, though mostly proud.

“Yeah.” You agreed, laughing with him. “But why are you asking then?” You asked him, still confused.

“It hurts to climb up the ladder, right?” He asked, and you nodded reluctantly, trying to push the memory of the pain out of your mind. “I’ll help you up then.” He said, and you looked at him with your mouth slightly agape, a doubtful look on your face.

Before you could say anything he stood up, helping you to stand on the log, before he wrapped your arms around his shoulders, his hands hooking under your legs, and you were unsure of how he had managed to get you onto his back in a matter of seconds, any witty remark leaving you.

“I still don’t see how you can get me up.” You said as he entered the dropship, still giving you a piggy-back-ride.

“Can you hold on with your legs and arms if I let go?” He asked.

“I… I think so.” You said slightly nervously, and felt the support from his hands leave your thighs, and you felt yourself slip slightly, tightening your hold, but not to the point of suffocation.

He started up the ladder, and once he reached the second to last rung, you reached behind you and pulled yourself onto the floor, offering him a small nod.

“I’m impressed, Blake.” You admitted, and he smirked at you.

“G’night (y/n).” He said, his smirk melting into his genuine smile, and you felt a smile grow on your face.

“Good night, Bellamy.” You said softly, and he offered a slight wave as he climbed back down the ladder.

“How is he?” You asked gently, crawling over to Jasper, who was surrounded by Clarke, Octavia and Finn.

Octavia just sort of turned away from you, though Clarke gave you a small nod reassuring you that he was gonna be okay.

“I’m really sorry about Atom.” Clarke said to her gently.

Instinctively your hand moved to rest on Octavia’s, gently brushing your thumb over her knuckles to silently reassure her that she wasn’t alone. She looked at you briefly, and you offered her a small smile, your lips quivering and eyes trembling with unshed tears. “I’m so sorry.” You reiterated, your voice warbling slightly.

She gently squeezed your hand, to reassure her that she wasn’t alone, sighing and looking down at Jasper before looking between you and Clarke. “Guess we’re gonna have to get used to people dying down here, aren’t we?” She stated, her voice trembling in an attempt to sound strong.

“But not you.” She whispered to Jasper, on the verge of tears. “You’re not allowed to die.” She said to him, and you closed your eyes momentarily to keep from crying.

“He’s not gonna die.” You said as softly as her, your voice trembling. “He knows that I’d kill him if he died.” You said jokingly, earning a teary laugh from Octavia and Monty, who was still sitting far-ish away from Jasper.

“Yeah, that’s why Jasper and I won’t die. (y/n) won’t let us.” Monty joked, his voice warbled from emotion, and you offered him a small smile, moving away from Jasper to sit with Monty, resting your head on his shoulder, grabbing hold of his hand.

He smiled sadly at you, and you returned his sad smile, gently kissing him on the cheek, before shifting, so that he rested his head on your shoulder, your fingers peacefully playing with the ends of his hair.

“When’s the last time you slept?” You quietly asked him, and he stayed silent, and you felt your heart lurch. “Go to sleep, okay?” You told him, and he nodded in acknowledgment, quickly dozing off.

You smiled softly at your sleeping friend, gently shifting his body so that he was now resting on his pillow, still on the cold metal floor of the dropship. You quickly grabbed the blanket that he had been using and gently placed it on top of him, pressing a small kiss to the top of his forehead, before standing up.

“I’m gonna go see how things are running in camp.” You informed them. “If anything changes, please get me.”

“I promise.” Clarke told you, and you nodded in response before you hopped down the rungs, noticing the pain though pushing it from your mind.

You exited the dropship and saw that everything was in relative peace, and it was quiet. It seemed as if most people were in their tents, and you checked your watch, before deciding that you would go see if Wells needed any help with Atom’s grave.

Nothing could’ve prepared you for what you saw.

Your breathing increased, blood pounding to your ears as you saw Wells on the ground, bleeding out from his neck, choking slightly. Instantly you fell next to him, placing pressure on the wound, a choked sob escaping you, your hands becoming warm and bloody.

“Bellamy!” You screeched, hyperventilating, unsure of what to do. “Bellamy!” You yelled again, and in less than a second he was there, his eyes widening as he saw you cradling Wells’ head, who was still choking out. “Get Clarke!” You screamed at him frantically, and he was gone.

“Hey, hey, hey.” You whispered frantically to Wells. “You’re gonna be alright.” You said, nodding your head frantically. “You’re gonna be okay.” You whispered, tears falling from your eyes, as you continued to press on the wound, your fingers slippery, feeling his pulse become weaker and weaker.

Within less than thirty seconds Bellamy and Clarke had returned, a shuddering cry escaping Clarke as she immediately sat next to you, grabbing Wells’ hand, pressing a kiss to it, sobbing.

“I’m so sorry.” She said to him. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve trusted you.”

“Wells, no.” You cried out, bunching the sleeve of your shirt over your hand, trying to absorb the blood, before pressing your hand on the wound again, barely feeling his pulse.

“Hey, you’re not gonna die.” Clarke whispered, shaking her head. “You’re gonna be fine.” She sobbed.

He gently squeezed her hand, and she looked up at him with her tear stained face, and he just smiled softly, before the light left his eyes, his head going limp in your hands.

“No. No. No!” Clarke screamed, sobbing violently, and you just sat there, your mouth agape in horror, waiting for a scream to escape you as tears pooled in your eyes.

You began hyperventilating, not being able to scream out, not accepting it. “No, no.” You rasped out, shaking your head. “Wells!” You yell at him, waiting for him to move or speak but he doesn’t. “Wells.” You whimpered out, gently shaking his shoulders, waiting for a response you knew wouldn’t come.

“No.” You whisper softly, your mouth agape as you sit there, not processing anything. You could hear Clarke crying and sobbing next to you, though it all sounded fuzzy, your vision focusing on the space in front of you, your mind blank, not being able to process what had just happened.

Bellamy had come back with a few others, who had started to begin to dig a grave for Wells, dragging Clarke back up to the dropship, and you had just sat there with Wells’ head still resting in your lap.

You didn’t remember when or how you had moved, though you knew that someone had spoken to you, and grabbed your hand, pulling your body away from Wells and you had ended up in front of the dropship, staring out into the empty night.

You didn’t sleep. You were in too much shock to even move, much less sleep. Everything felt foreign, as if you were in your body but watching from above with no control as to what was happening.

Instead, you just stared off into space, your mind trying to process the deaths of two of your friends in the span of five hours. And they’d both died with their heads in your lap. It seemed that you weren’t properly equipped to deal with that information, remaining mentally blank for hours.

At some point the feeling changed, and you slowly became more aware of your body, feeling less numb that you had before, though still too numb to properly process what had happened.

It wasn’t until the sun came out that sitting there was causing you anxiety; you reeked of blood and felt awful, before you immediately stood up, and walked to your tent grabbing your towel, soup, and spare set of clothes, mechanically walking to the stream nearby.

You didn’t necessarily know what you were doing, still a bit numb to process anything, before you came upon the stream, and your nerves seemed to calm and heighten at the same time.

You placed your towel, with your soap resting on top of it, on the edge of the river, your clean set of clothes resting next to your towel, though a little further from the shore, your boots next to your towel. You haphazardly threw off your clothes, and waddled into the river, the cold running water jolting you awake, your emotions beginning to slowly turn on, slowly beginning to pour out of you.

You slowly waddled back to shore, grabbing your bar of soap, rubbing it furiously between your hands to create suds, no longer able to see your hands. Placing the bar of soap back down you began to scrub your body furiously, before a wave of sensation hit you, silent tears beginning to wrack your body as you scrubbed harder, your skin progressively feeling more raw.

You scrubbed until you ran out of tears, before wading back into the water, the suds coming off of your body, and you looked on as it began to foam in the water, and you couldn’t help but think if this was wheat sea foam looked like, no wonder Aphrodite was born from it.

The water began to tint red as the blood came off your body, your eyes widening and you felt your throat seem to choke up, your heart beating rapidly as you stared forward, the unbearable static silence seeming to grow louder and louder, making it harder to think.

You ran to the shore of the river, wrapping your towel around you as you shivered slightly, having felt your anxiety become too much, scared that you might drown in the water, the same way you felt as if you were drowning in your mess of thoughts and emotions.

You quickly dried off, and put on your clean clothes, warmed from the sun. You involuntarily smiled, the feeling of clean clothes alone making you feel at momentary peace. You sighed, looking at your bloody and torn clothes, and with a sudden burst of energy you placed them in the water, some blood immediately washing out.

You grabbed the bar of soap once more, rubbing it on the bloody stains across your clothes, before they mixed out of the fabric, and you pulled your clothes out of the river, clean but now soaking wet.

You quickly gathered your things, a piece of your mind conscious enough to tell you that you should return back to camp, before turned away from the camp to see an angry Bellamy Blake emerge from the trees.

---

tags: (still open!) @vxidnik @multifandom-states @thearachna-kid @colie87@jodiereedus22 @greygarbage @lovingcupcake51002

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

I just figured out that it was Lancelot who introduced Percival to Arthur and now I need some headcanons on how Lancelot and Percival met lol

ohhhh hm okay idk if this was canonically mentioned in any way and honestly I'm not gonna look it up so this is just how I've always pictured it

So Lancelot was on his travels for I don't know how long, like five years right? anyway so I imagine he couldn't have met Percival longer than six months before they got that message from Merlin and travelled to Camelot. don't ask me why, but I just always thought they must've known each other for about half a year. genuinely, no idea why

anyway I tried searching this, but I couldn't find out if they ever stated when Percival family was killed by cenred's army, I actually think Lancelot just introduced him by saying his family got murdered but not when. So I could've imagined that like, Lancelot was present back then, but also it seems unlikely that Percival would be the way he is if that happened half a year ago. Which means that it probably happened earlier, about the same time that Lancelot's village was burnt down as well, like, let's say when Percival was ten.

What I'm trying to conclude rn is that this means Percival and Lancelot must've met somewhere on the road. because I know nothing about what Percival did before he came to Camelot though, I can only imagine that he would have been travelling as well, but like, idk. He doesn't actually seem like the type of guy who'd decide to travel. So let me paint you the picture of how I imagine Percivals childhood being like:

when his family got wiped out by Cenred, he was ten, and lucky that the only part of his family that got wiped out were his parents and his siblings, (for whatever reason I think that he had a sister and a brother, let's not discuss it) simply because that was the only part of his family present. I feel like he had some grandma or other elderly aunt somewhere that he was first of all visiting, which is why he "survived" that army killing the whole ass village or smth, and which is why he had a place to stay and even a quite good future in sight. Now picture that grandma having a son that's a knight. Which is where Percival gets all of his training, and all of his "I want to help people!!!! if cenred's army ever comes back I want to fight!!!!" mentality. So now Percival's like, idk, 20? about ten years later anyway, and he can fight, and he grew up to be so sturdy and muscular and now his grandma is really old and he works on her farm and helps out around the town and probably also teaches little kids to fight because, like, I can see him being a teacher.

Now his grandma, who's a really sweet person and knows that her grandchild shouldn't spend his life working on her farm, tells him to go away and become a knight like his uncle. and he's all like no!!! I can't leave you alone!!!! but she sends him away and he goes because hey, he does wanna be a knight tbh

On his way to the capital and the castle, he solves like a ton of problems and kicks some ass and saves like five children from drowning and whatnot. like he becomes low-key a hero in some places. And one day he's staying at this Inn and he witnesses this conflict between two men that seems like it's gonna start a brawl, and he steps in and does all the Percival intimidation shit but the dudes are drunk and try to fight him. and like ofc he can knock them out. And in the corner of that Inn sits a young man about his age, a sword at his side and dinner in front of him, and Percival nods at him and goes back to where he was sitting.

Yet the next morning, some of Cenred's men (how ironic!!) "visit" the little town that he was actually on his way to leave again already, and because they're Cenred's men, that scare half of the people there so badly that they vacate anything they had in their hands and vanish into their houses, and think they can just waltz in there and take anything and anyone (how lovely it sounds that Percival is about to slay some rapists <3), Percival is like okay, gotta deal with this real quick, and just puts down his little supplies and takes his sword out and fights them. and guess who joins him? The man from the inn that he saw the day before, who had seemed like he would've dealt with those men had Percival not done so.

They bond quickly after that. Like, they both have the same passion, becoming a knight, and they're quick to decide to travel together a bit, and let's be real, Percival was probably telling Lancelot again and again that his talent with a sword shouldn't be wasted and that he should accompany him and that they should both become knights of this kingdom and let's be real once more, Lancelot told him just as many times that he'd keep on training to be a knight of Camelot but that he would totally be supporting Percival either way.

Anyway so on their way to the capital, they visit Lancelot's "friend" and guess whose letter they read, and guess what Percival decides is more important - saving Camelot or becoming a knight.

(Genuinely I think that decision was - without him knowing - heavily influenced by Lancelot and his whole "honour" talk that he gives everytime becoming a knight even comes up)

[renegadeontherunn]

@city-of-fae​ LISS OKAY I STARTED ANSWERING YOUR ASK AND TUMBLR GLITCHED AND ATE IT I’M SO SORRY UGHHHH BUT ANYWAY

!!!!!! YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! OBI AND SOKA CONSUMES ME SOMETIMES AND THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!!! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH YES!!!!! and thank you so much for the ask that tumblr was very mean to!!!!! let me go listen--

the song in question

OH MY GOD

ONE SECOND I'M JUST OVER HERE SOBBING GAHHHHHHH THIS SONG!!!! oh MAN this song in the context of obi-wan and ahsoka????? AND POST-ROTS????? GODDDDDD OKAY YES YES YES ABSOLUTELY LISS YOUR MIND--

awake, awake, you children bold / take hold of all your books and fold / the corners, they warned us / a storm is coming on

this is an AMAZING start to this song given the context of post-rots. it really gives me the feeling of yeah waking everyone up and frantically whispering get up, get up, grab your stuff we have to go which just gahhhh yes reminds me a lot of obi-wan and ahsoka having to leave behind everything in the wake of anakin's "storm coming on." and, of course, "children bold" is very ahsoka and obi-wan would tell her to take her books that's so :'))

what do you mean you've lost your scarlet welly boots? / do y'know what they cost? / wear a raincoat or it'll soak you to the bone

okay again, I can see this scene so clearly in my head, they're rushing around searching for all their stuff and ahsoka's like "obi-wan I can't find my boots" and it's all very much parent scolding child in a hurry/panic but then still turning around and saying "make sure you wear a raincoat, here take mine" and again that is very much obi-wan and ahsoka to me!!

and I love you, don't you know / that I'll be with you all along, as long as you are kind / to those who are not strong and cannot find their scarlet welly boots

I feel like this really captures an essential of obi-wan's teachings to ahsoka: be kind, help everyone you can, remember when you were in that situation, "teaching is a privilege, it's part of a Jedi's responsibility to help train the next generation," etc etc and also just the "I love you, don't you know / that I'll be with you all along" godddd thinking about that with obi and soka is mAKING ME SOB

cause when it's cold / I'll wrap my scarf around you / and when it's hard / I'll place your head into my hands

yes. yes yes yes yes this!!! this right here is obi-wan and ahsoka!!!! I'm sobbing

and when you scream that it's not fair / it's like I've gone off to the coast / left you behind just standing there / pretending not to see your ghost / if only you could hear my voice / but you are screaming far too loud to hear me swear / just because I left doesn't mean I'm not still there

goddddd okay yes, I think this can be seen through a few different contexts, definitely post-rots and also deception (oUCH OUCH OUCH) like you said, and also I think this works for post-s5. just all the times where obi-wan and ahsoka were separated and this is just. ouch ouch ouch. but yeah this part with deception??? such a good angle, ahsoka screaming it's not fair, but obi-wan saying I'm still here. ugh. pain

I get to watch you grow up now / and make me proud / make all of the mistakes that make me laugh / oh, darling, lord, how you make me laugh / . . . / cause you were always strong / when you were young, you'd kick things just to see if they would fall

I'm sobbing. liss, I'm sobbing. this! this is so obi-wan looking at ahsoka when she was a padawan. I think she really really brought a source of light and hope to both his and anakin's lives during the war and their characters are just so good together bc she's a lot like anakin ("you'd kick things just to see if they would fall"), but not nearly as weighed down as either of them (at least not until the end), and like. they are just :'))))) they! are! father! and! daughter!!!!

they said "that girl, she's wrong" / but I'll stick up for you / even though you haven't got a clue

the wrong jedi. that's all I'm gonna say. just. the wrong jedi

actually, that's not all I'm gonna say KJASJKDLADKLJS bc I have a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts about obi-wan's involvement in the wrong jedi arc and since we got basically nothing in the actual show (because d*sney is a bunch of cowards) it all sort of has to be conjecture. but anyway, I think that obi-wan did stick up for ahsoka as much as he could and I really want to believe that he was right beside anakin defending her and like really trying to prove her innocence, but what we're shown in the show is. not that and I've seen a lot of really like solid and well-informed posts about how a big part of obi-wan's characterization is that he is someone who lets go and I can't find the one I'm thinking of rn but also like. idk it is shown how conflicted he is during that arc. plus, how much could they have even taken obi-wan's opinion into account bc it's nearly impossible for him to be unbiased?? like he's her grandmaster!! idk and that is NOT what this post is about ajskdkljdsa, but basically. yes. yes this is obi-wan in the wrong jedi.

and I'm so proud of you

screaming, crying, throwing up. GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

and when you scream "I'm not alright" / and throw my picture at the wall / "you were supposed to be my light / and keep me safe against them all / how could you leave me here?" you'll scream / . . . / you'll say "I've been so scared / you left me here behind / do you not care? / how the fuck am I supposed to carry on without you here?"

this! this is so so so much deception, post-s5, post-rots, all of this!!!! this is ahsoka confused and angry and hurt and betrayed and homesick and I'm going to SOB. I don't have much more to say about this line, just. yes. yes yes yes this

you'll miss me, oh jesus christ, you'll miss me / just as much as all those years ago, and you'll look up at the storm

okay yes this is definitely reminding me of post-rots ahsoka looking back on deception and post-rots obi-wan looking back on the wrong jedi both of them missing the other, both of them knowing what it feels like to lose each other and be separated and just having that happen again and again :(((

just when you're about to give up every hope you have, you turn around / perched by the stairs, someone's gone and left behind / a brand new pair of scarlet welly boots

this hits me SO HARD. it is so so indicative of obi-wan and ahsoka still being around post-rots even though they both think the other is gone (which is just. so heartbreaking I can't) but they both still have their memories of each other and what they've taught each other and I think that they really do live on in each other's lives after revenge of the sith and they both have the task of keeping anakin's memory alive and ensuring safety and happiness for other people and while their lives and missions are very different, they both are still trying to do the same thing and they still have that connection and I just. I sob.

I love them so much and this song is perfect for them thank you for introducing me to it!!!!!! I will never be over this song with them gOD

[whereconfusionisarhyme]

First Reactions To Logan’s Playlist

K first song let’s do this

White and Nerdy-Weird Al Yankovic

Wtf this song was definitely Joan’s idea I mean who else would think of ‘White and Nerdy’ for Logan

Is this like canon he listens to this stuff or like songs about him???

Not Perfect-Tim Minchin

TIM MINCHIN

Bo Burnham better be on Logan's playlist

#deep

Is this about the mindpalace/inside of Thomas’ head??? Cause like???? Ouch???? I think????

Lol nvm it’s not sad lmao

I take back my take back it is sad

So this could be literally “in his mind” or it could be figurative and it’s really messing with my funky flow

Streaks-ANIMA!

Cool instrumental

Love the voice sounds a little like MARINA and Regina Spektor

Oh no I’m two lines in and I can tell it’s gonna be sad

OH NO CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST AHHHHH

Wow Logan is just out here being relatable isn’t he smh 😔👊

"Cause you're a smart kid, but you're still a kid" LOGAN REALLY BE OUT HERE BEING RELATABLE ON MAIN

The Elements-Tom Lehrer

Sounds like what piano class would sound like if I took piano class

Something you would listen to in science class

Bop

Medicine-STRFCKR

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out vibes

Lmao nvm

Gonna go look up the lyrics rn brb

A sad bop

Philosophy cool

Human-Tank And The Bangas

Logan playing this to comfort himself because this singer is the only person who has ever told him this

WHO HURT LOGAN WITH THEIR WORDS

LOGAN THE HEART SKIPPING COMMENT ARE YOU OKAY IM GIVING YOU A HUG

GUYS LOGAN IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF THAT HE MATTERS IM NOT OKAY

Last???? Relationship???

Okay I'm not a shipper BUT my theorist analysis obsessed brain is just SCREAMING about Roman and Patton

Observation: Logan is probably atheistic and this song covers God a lot. I don't have a conclusion or anything just pointing that out

This woman do be calming tho like yes I'm beautiful yes I'm special thank you

Okay so I already knew Logan wasn't okay but he 100% isn't okay

Fittet Happier-Radiohead

K two words in and I can tell this is gonna be sad here we go

Employees? Or maybe…other sides?

Minor key ok

SELF HARM ISNT OKAY

"WILL NOT CRY IN PUBLIC" NONONONO

So I heard of a good therapist just downtown-

The Watchtower-The Dø

I paused it cause I need a second after the last one

Guys as someone who dissosiates a lot I think Logan might be dissosiating

Dissosiating to protect himself from his emotions

Y'all just trust me in this one

Coming for the TØP brand I see

K ready to start again here we go

Fire beat I'm vibing with it

Is he trying to distance himself from his emotions to try and perform his tasks better like watching from a Watchtower???

This is the first character I've seen that might dissosiate which only means one thing

I'm gonna be projecting an unholy amount in my fanfiction

"No one in particular" hon who hurt you

City Lights=Emotions (which he considers distractions)??? Maybe??

I'm a William Finn fan come on this isn't my first rodeo

Art Is Dead-Bo Burnham

BO BURNHAM I WAS RIGHT

We all love some good Imposter Syndrome (tm)! :D

This gives Learning New Things About Ourselves' a whole new meaning

Ngl this is the first time I heard the degrading of the piano at the end and I'm here for it

In My Mind-Amanda Palmer

Oop we LOVE setting up impossible expectations for yourself to the point you have a cripplingly horrid self esteem! :D

Logan I've done this before and trust me it isn't worth it the mental breakdowns are too taxing

I'll do it when I'm older=I'm never gonna get around to it

I don't wanna be the person I wanna be either

Why do I perfectly understand every lyric am I ok

Live!!! While you!!!! Can!!!!

At least there's a happy ending

Okay so I've decided that once I'm done I'm gonna make a list of songs I think would fit in the playlist

Algorythym-Childish Gambino

K its spelled incorrectly get ready for some metaphors my dudes

Intro is cool definitely very very Logan WOAH OKAY CHAIN SMOKER

Gonna go look up lyrics I don't understand shit

The chorus sounds like Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house where like 100+ African American relatives blast house music and dance until their feet falls off

Nvm no it doesn't

GO OFF

ELPHABA BETTER WATCH OUT CHILDISH GAMBINO IS COMING FOR YOUR BELT

Adlibs are everything

Letter C-Zach Sherwin

This gives off the same vibes as that one pickle video by Charlie Puth

Roman vs Logan rap battle but it's this

I don't really see why this is related but sure

Time Adventure-The Marcus Hedgehog

Nostalgiaaaaaa

Okay Logan has too many songs talking about one (1) person who is it

I have a gut feeling that it's about Thomas and how Logan used to be enough "back then" but now he thinks he's not cause like let's be honest when was the last time someone gave Logan a strong sincere thank you for all that he does????Excluding DWIT (which doesn't really count in my opinion cause they said he was cool, not like an integral and arguably the most important and powerful side) nobody really appreciates Logan???? Hugs???

Anyway plz ignore this is just how my brain works

K next song

The Breach-clipping.

OKAY SLOW DOWN IM GONNA LOOK UP LYRICS

Is this Daveed Diggs???? I haven't listened to Hamilton in like forever is this Daveed Diggs???

LITERALLY PERFECY PARRALLEL TO LOGAN AND THE SIDES

Sound effects

Really just gonna fry my eardrums like that huh

What I Do For U-Ra Ra Riot

Okay scrap anything and everything I said about it being the sides Logan is 100% talking about Character!Thomas

Erase Me-Ben Folds Five

Ooh this intro reminds me of this one particular musical songs but I don't remember which one

Wait have I listened to this before????

I've listened to this before!

Okay I need to stop being distracted

NOOOOOO don't Erase Yourself!!!!

Logan really just do be having no Self Esteem don't he

Okay so theory: Logan didn't pop up in person in the last video because his eyes were too red from crying

I have 0 evidence so it's not a very good theory but…

Just throwing it out there

One More Time with Feeling-Regina Spektor

Oh no it's Regina Spektor

Oh no I'm gonna cry

Okay so Logan doesnt wanna block of all emotion, only permit some to show???? But most of the time block everything????

Did I get that???

Nobody!!!! Thanks!!!! Logan!!!!

Awww he just wants love and recognition

Tbh this sounds a lot like Roman they have so much in common despite their constant arguing

Galaxy Song-Monty Python

Ooh Monty Python

I haven't listened to Monty Python so I sadly don't know the context

Really just dissing all of the other sides aren't we

Can't really blame him tho

Very scientific

"Yeau~"

Sweet with dark undertones. Love it.

Equation-Hans Zimmer

Later I'm gonna check the equations if they're correct XD

Sunrise-In The Heights

!!!!!!

WHO???!!!!!

K to this is one of my favorite love songs ever it's just so sweet and as someone who's bilingual the concept is just amazingly wonderful so yeah I may be freaking out

Also because WHO??!!

Okay I said I wasn't a shipper but let's be honest this is probably about Roman not romantically but like

OR MAYBE JANUS???

IM SO CONFUSED

But Logan is definitely Nina in this situation it just fits so well with her character for the same reasons I really wanna play her (but never will cause I'm exactly 0% Latin American smh) yeah the pressures to be the smartest and then it backfiring horribly and oh God what if Inùtil is also in the playlist ahhhh

Okay moving on

Lifeboat-Heathers

WHAT

NO

NO

CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST LOGAN STOP BEING RELATABLE AHHHH

IS THIS CAPTAIN THOMAS??? THE OTHER SIDES AS A WHOLE??? AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT???

IM NOT OKAY

Bohemian Groove-Will Connolly

Okay I'm still not recovered from the last song but I need to continue or else I'm never gonna finish this playlist

Eeecccchhhhhoooo

Your friends haven't surpassed you Logan you belong with them okay????

Emptiness despite success??? Millennial who???

Vibing with it but also are you okay

Nvm I know the answer already

Hug All Ur Friends-Cavetown

Okay so Logan is a Cavetown gay noted

Self validation??? Who's she???

Lies. You care so much about what other people *sides* think about you

Maybe Logan listens to this song to remind himself to not care too much

But it doesn't work and it's getting to him more and more

Oh

That took a turn

Breathin'-Thomas Sanders

Good move

Don't really have much to say on this

The Bidding

Spoopy

Alchoholic!Logan

New idea for us fan writers

The pronunciation of beurgoise

Okay I'm like pretty certain at this point that all of the songs that mention a someone else is about Character!Thomas

A Better Version

OHMYGOD I LOVE THIS MUSICAL ITS SO UNDERRATED I HAVE LISTENED TO THE SOUNDTRACK AND UNGODLY AMOUNT OF TIMES YESSSSS

But also since I know the song in terrified cause the feels are gonna come in I just know it

Wait so is Jayce supposed to be Thomas???

I am suddenly feeling much more uncertain about my certainty

Okay let me unpause and just listen to it (even though I already know all of the lyrics)

Okay so I'm a dumbass and apparently this song isn't even part of the playlist

Okay so I'm an idiot and the last few songs have all been "related to playlist" and not in the actual playlist I'm big dumb.

Anyway here's my list of songs I think would fit. (BTW, I only went off of lyrics for these ones. I realize that there’s a general sound and vibe for the playlist, but I decided not to follow it.)

Oh No! ~ MARINA

Hug All Ur Friends ~ Cavetown

Bohemian Groove ~ Will Connolly

Guiltless ~ Dodie Clark

Lifeboat ~ Laurens O’Keefe

The Bidding ~ *idk who*

I Am Not A Robot ~ MARINA

Inútil - Lin Manuel Miranda

Through The Eyes Of A Child ~ AURORA

Community Gardens ~ The Scary Jokes

Let me know if I should do this with the other playlists as well! :)

[thedeepdarktrashpile]

Ryden conspiracy theories/evidence/pls just be frens now...+ a short history of P!atd...(part 1)

DISCLAIMER I find all of this stuff on the internet so idk if it's yours just tell me and I will make sure you get credited anyways onwards...

Oh and another thing I don't hate Sarah. Sarah is a queen and Brendon and her are happy and I wouldn't want to ruin a happy couple cos that would be unfair anyhow oh and I also think it's important to have a bit of Panic! history that many people might not know about as it gives you an idea of the kind of time frame that im talking about also its intresting too.

And if u don't know what Ryden is (tbf idk why ur here but this will educate u) it's basically the ship name of Ryan Ross (ex guitarist and backing vocalist of panic!) and Brendon Urie (singer and last man standing)

Pre-Panic

Ryan Ross and Spencer Smith (ex-drummer of Panic!) have been friends even since they were little the photo below would prove this

They're so adorable 😊😊

In 9th grade they decide that they want to start up a band btw for reference Ryan and Spencer at that time attend (Bishop Gorman high school) and they invite Brent Wilson from Palo Verde high school to come and try out for bass along with another guy called Trevor they formed a band called Pet Salamnder this was when they were around 16 ish (They acctually still have a website for the band and you can go check it out if you want)

There some of the pics on the website but check out their bios as well because they made me laugh....

Here are some of their pics tho

Spencer and Ryan and the whole band together (Ryan😂😂)

Anyways don't really know what happened to Pet Salamander but in short they kind of lost Trevor (don't know correct me if im wrong but I think Trevor was the guitarist in the way things worked out it would make sense and I think there was another band they created in between these 2 bands but idk its not important) The band now needed a new guitarist. Brent who went to the same high school as Brendon told him he should audition for their band so Brendon did just that and became the guitarist. Orginally Ryan was meant to be the lead singer but Brendon then became the lead singer because they heard him do his singing and they though he was good. At the time especially Ryan and Brendon were having a hard time with their families and their education as they wanted to quit high school and as a result I think they both got kicked out of their houses . Brendon got a job at a smoothie shack to try and earn some money to pay for rent. He also would sing to people for tips. In other words they were hella broke.

Here is a screenshot from Ryan's livejournal (which he has now deleted) where Brendon would post underneath

I love ya' baby! wednesday. practice. be there of be....GAY!!

Brendon 😂😂

Anyways Ryan and Brendon started creating the demos for their album and Ryan decided to send them to Pete Wentz who was in the LV area recording under the cork tree with FOB. Pete listened to the demos and signed them up to his new record label decaydance after hearing them perform 2/3 songs.

I'm gonna leave you with some 2004 recording sessions this is filmed on a potato but is somehow high quality content of Ryan doing a this is our apartment tour its great

undefined

So yeah that's cool and also hilarious in it's own ways (gay bars!! 😂😂)

AFYCSO era 2005/6

AFYCSO was released on the 27th September 2005 on that same day Ryan posted something in his livejournal (I'm not sure if it was just something to commemorate it being released or if he was acctually in a relationship at this time but here is what he put)

'Whisper babe...i'm as good as it gets in this town.whisper babe..i'm a fever you can't sweat out.These are my deepest thoughts and secrets under a microscope or spotlight.Forgive me if i'm not quite ready to give them to you.it's such a different feeling..when I see you smiling and singing back to me i'm still playing different pictures in my head that arn't so pleasent. I'm doing the best now to live in the song and not just the meaning.'

(Yes this could be about Brendon but when you read it again it dosen't sound like that at all it seems as if hes talking about the lyrics and the meanings of the songs of which have things he had to deal with in his childhood his dad being an alcoholic ect. But he tries to be happy with the fans who are smiling and singing and live in the moment not just the past)

Obviously AFYCSO became popular especially the song I write sins not tragedies came out but there's many different interviews and pic that i'm going to share below.

This is the one where Ryan says that Brendon washes his hair and he blushes red. It's adorable 😊

undefined

Here is another 2005 interview by the same girl who thought Pete was called Jason 😂 but anyways it's old like just look at Ryan's hair he's in his troll phase still 😂

undefined

This is another old interview that shows them acctually performing and only contain Brendon and Ryan talking about the band they're so awkward its adorable.

And here's a pic of them from a photoshoot

Idk but Brent looks so confused rn 😂

(Look at Brendon as well staring at Ryan...hmm..😉)

And here's an adorable pic of them together my bbs 😊❤

Look at them they're soo adorable ❤❤👌😊

Anyways 2006 is when it all became big for the boys who announced a tour and where becoming bigger than ever. At the end of 2005 to 2006 both Brendon and Ryan began dating scene queens Audrey and Jac. Pics below

Yup this is them together.

Idk when they breakup but they break up and some evidence that I've found online is very interesting.

Here is screenshots of chats that Audrey and Jac had online. The first picture shows that Jac is blaming Brendon for turning her bf (Ryan) gay

The next one shows kinda the same thing exept this time Audrey blamed Ryan for turning Brendon gay

Hmmmm... All very interesting I think....

(Note there's another conversation or so that I want to include in part one but it's way too long to put on this one post so i'm going to do a little post to finish off part 1. And also i'm obviously going to work on part 2 straight away but I just feel like the whole panic! and especially Ryden stuff needs to be updated abd i also find it super interesting as well. Also I feel I need to adress all the lyrics that could somehow lead to something to do with one another there's so much stuff out here and I need it all in one place cos im fed up of trawling the internet for all the theories and stuff never getting anywhere 😂)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary157

2/18-19/2024

sunday - monday

ate popcorn and feel kind of sick.

otherwise though, feeling good. working on the 2nd of the 2 problem songs rn, it's def getting there.

and now i think it's there. the other also feels 'there' even if it's just roughly.

i also just finished the gut thing i started last night, very cool.

the next one is gonna be kind of a doozy, i think, as well, so tomorrow i'll probably spend a long time on that, and then the next day, i have a monster, maybe i can drink that and do a bunch of something. i kind of hope i can put that energy to writing though.

also it is late and i kept saying i had to work in the morning tomorrow but that changed, it's now 6 pm to 9pm, which is better for me in every way, basically. it'll give me more time to do music before work and also keep the workout routine up w/o having to insert a weird rest day into it.

the 2nd trouble song, i feel like i want the guitars to have a little more high end, i'll try that now but i just wonder if that's part of what the saturating is doing..

it's an easy test/fix so it's nbd.

and yayy it sounds good.

and hopefully soon i can get my card situation squared away so i can order clothes from japan and then take a bunch of annoying + vain selfies in clothes that make me feel cute and not ugly or something.

speaking of clothes, i have this rlly tiny cardigan i love because it goes w/ everything as a nice layer when i can't figure anything else out, it's like a perfect piece of clothing, idk where it is, making me very very upset kind of. hopefully that turns up soon.

i think my hair will stop wigging me after like, one more day probably. i don't know why my bangs can give me such dysphoria lol it's dumb. i'm just so used to them being like, i guess the thing that makes me feel like i 'pass' i guess. idk. i don't know if that's true or not. i don't think so. it's not like they're gone, i've done this before, even, in the lifespan of the blog, and like, worse, even, for instance look at me when i gave myself this hair:

those are like, psychotic bangs, i'm not there rn, looking thru my selfies there's another pic of me w/ bangs that are kind of like where i'm at rn:

it's funny, in that one i took the selfie while my phone was super messed up so it died whenever it wasn't plugged in, and i was so like, dysphoric or whatever, idk what to call this even, saying it's 'dysphoria' seems not entirely accurate or whatever, but when i felt hideous and needed to capture like, myself not being ugly, i had to plug my phone in, in the bathroom, to do that. that's so embarrassing huh.

anyway, this whole stupid issue is making me look up how to blowdry bangs, which is something i do already, everyday, and know how to do basically, but i guess i'm just trying to get better so i don't make myself go coo coo every time i want to 'fix' my hair.

anyway look at me in akasaka, this was a fun time:

i remember, they had a bunch of harry potter stuff up here, cuz it's so big in japan, and we'd see people come up and look and get really excited, take pictures with it, it was very sweet, honestly, i'm glad that's a primary thing my mind goes to, thinking of harry potter, over anything else, it just pays to not be very invested in it.

i did another gut drawing thing, but it's sort of a practice run for another idea i guess, cuz i don't like the novel part of it, i wanna draw intestines getting cut, and the sinew holding / almost snapping, and stuff. that bit is harder to get right w/ pixels but i think tomorrow i could.

also, since i got paid, i have started looking at some other stupid things, like a digicam. thinking about getting a sony cybershot 8.1 megapixels (i think) (or 7.2), there's one for 30 bux on ebay rn (same w/ the 7.2 mp variant), seems cute and fun. might give me some cool options w/ photography stuff.

n - e wayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i need to sleep, it is 3:43 am and i do want to fix my sleep schedule at some point, it'd be good for me.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!