#anyway it's so convenient because if i just disappear its better because everyone is better off without me anyway

[pointless2theend]

I'm so tired

[bobacupcake]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

m;y wife doesnt drink soda

[atamascolily]

I rewatched The Sword of Life and Death and was once again charmed that Sha Wu Sheng refers to Lin Xue Ya as "Gale" (Ryō in the Japanese dub) which is simultaneously formal and informal in equal measure. It's the short form of Lin's art name, Ryō Fū Setsujin, which the official English subs translate as "The Enigmatic Gale".

Just for fun, I went and looked at the kanji to see what I could learn. Caveat: not a native speaker, just playing around with a JP dictionary; there's probably other subtleties in Mandarin that I am not aware of.

Anyway, Ryō Fū Setsujin is written out as 掠風竊塵, which Wikipedia translates as "Thief of the Wind Dust", but as you can probably imagine, it's a bit more complicated than that.

The first character, 掠, means "pillage" or "rob". It's usually used in compounds, but standing on its own, it's one of the Eight Principles of Yong, referring to specific kinds of calligraphy strokes, all of which are embodied in the character for "eternity" 永 (pronounced yong in Chinese). In the Tang Dynasty, 掠 was known as lüè or 'skim' (among other names); it's the sixth stroke, the sweeping curve at the bottom of the leftmost piece of the character. It's supposed to be drawn quickly, as if skating over the surface.

This dual meaning is preserved in the Japanese verb, 掠める, which means "to steal" but it can also mean "to deceive" or "to touch lightly", "appear or disappear quickly", "to do something while no one is looking" or "to hint and insinuate". In other words, Lin's character in a nutshell.

In English, I'd be tempted to take advantage of the multiple meanings of "skim" ("remove something from liquid" and "embezzle money") and say Sha is calling Lin "Skimmer", which is a little awkward but is also the name of a shorebird, which is fitting since they both have bird motifs. It would also emphasize the transitory nature of their relationship, where Lin is just "passing through" as will as his thieving nature. Skimmers also have a big mouth with the lower beak significantly larger than the top, which is funny because Lin is always talking! Unfortunately, there aren't any species native to China, but Rynchops albicollis can be found further south in Asia, and this is a fantasy world with dragons and monsters, so I'll allow it. "Skimmer" is also slightly classier (and more polite) than a more literal translation like "Thief"; alas, it doesn't fit as well when you add in the rest of the phrase back in.

風 is literally "wind", but with a secondary meaning of "manner" (compare with the English "air", which also has this dual sense). This is partly where Crunchyroll gets "Gale", which I like because Lin is a whirlwind pulling everyone along in his wake.

竊 is "steal, secret, private, hushed" - so once again, we have the thieving aspect coupled with the secrecy, in keeping with Lin's propensity for stealing non-tangible objects and the veil of mystery he operates under. This is where the "Enigmatic" part comes in.

塵 is "dust, trash, garbage" - "Dust" is obviously the more poetic term here, but I personally like the image of Lin as crow ruffling through a dumpster in search of garbage; it suits him. There's a kind of mocking element here; the things Lin steals are worthless in the monetary sense, but they are what his targets value the most, and Lin grinds his victims in the dirt by taking them away. Coupled with the wind imagery, it makes it sound like Lin is a dust devil, kicking up dirt as he goes--conveniently taking us back to "Gale" again. I also appreciate how we now have "trashy" to contrast with the implied elegance elsewhere in the construction.

As you can see, 掠風竊塵 is very challenging to translate succinctly into English; "Thief of Wind Dust" is very literal and covers all the bases ("thief" representing two different characters, lol), while "Enigmatic Gale" is less literal but more poetic in English, and does a better job of capturing the "coolness" inherent in the original. But there's also a lot of subtleties that I wasn't previously aware of; taken together, 掠風竊塵 basically screams "this is a charming but sketchy dude you should not trust", the effect of which is unfortunately lost somewhat in translation.

[gith-egg]

I still have no finished art of my lil gith dude but I want to share him with yall so fuck it I'm making a post about him anyway

Drik ▪︎ Githyanki ▪︎ Ranger

Pronouns: He/They

Age: 22

Height: 6'0 / 184cm

Build: Scrawny, even by Gith standards

Alignment: Chaotic Tired™

Weapon: Heavy crossbow that looks comically way too big for him to use (and almost is)

Companion: Barley, his "cat"*

*half-undead half-gremishka half-cat

Long backstory below cut

In a crèche nestled deep in the Sunset Mountains, a young githyanki was condemned to death. Barely into its fourth year of living, the child had been frail and sickly almost from the start, and would not have been coddled even this long were it not for a particularly lenient custodian. It had become clear the child would not be fit to work, much less fight; to cull it now was as much mercy as it was pragmatism.

And then the child disappeared.

The ability to skim the boundary of the Astral Plane to achieve feats of great mobility is hallmark of githyanki warriors. This is a skill honed through years of disciplined training. Little wonder, then, that the toddler accidentally accomplishing it for the first time in the sheer panic of impending slaughter did so directly into a freezing river.

Perhaps a greater miracle that a dwarven merchant caravan was passing close enough for the sorry thing to be retrieved still alive. With no common language and no knowledge of the nearby crèche, the traders did the only thing they could and took the child along with them.

By the time they reached the next destination on their route - the city of Scornubel - it had become plainly apparent this would not be a permanent addition to their family. Even if the open road had been a suitable stage to raise a young one, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 one ate enough for three and kept getting into places that should have been impossible. Everyone knew the stories of "lost" fey children finding their way under a friendly roof and effecting utter chaos. The child had to go.

Conveniently the issue proceeded to solve itself: the child, again, disappeared.

* * * * *

Almost a decade later, a headstrong adolescent prepared to seek his independence. He was weary of life in this city - tired of the hostile gazes and quickened strides he was met with on a good day, while the others his age found work and opportunities. Drik (as his caretaker had dubbed him: a bug, a meager and invasive crawling thing, how astute) was keenly aware he was not welcome here.

Aishnak, the designator in question, seemed to regard this as a matter of little importance. The kindly old baker assured him there was no need to attain a job or an apprenticeship as there would always be space at his table. This was patently untrue - it seemed like every other week a new orphan showed up on his doorstep - and also, beside the point. Drik did not want to stay in a city that did not want him.

Just give it a few more years, said the old man, you'll find your niche. Just be patient. You're not ready to fend for yourself yet, you're still a kid, the wilderness is no place for one so young, you take the safety of civilisation for granted. Drik had heard it all. He'd also been training with a crossbow for a whole year now, and he knew how to butcher an animal and how to cook and follow a map and, not to be vain, but he was really very good at staying hidden when he didn't want to be found. Better than anyone else he knew. He was ready, and he wouldn't hear otherwise.

Within a week he was back at Aishnak's door. In Drik's defense, which he was very ready to give, this was not because he lacked the skill to keep himself alive. It was because he'd been careless with the life of another.

A feral cat, shot for dinner without difficulty. A litter newly born, discovered after the fact. A heart much less hardened than he'd given himself credit for. Now here he stood with an armful of kittens and a faceful of tears, begging relief from consequences like the child he was.

Aishnak had the grace to refrain from stating the obvious. He promised the kittens would be cared for - save one, as he picked out the runt, the tiny creature already limp and unresponsive. Keeping it with the others will make them ill, he explained; there's naught to do but bury it.

Drik understood. It was a miracle any of them had survived, being so small and left untended. He asked to take the dying kitten back, put it to rest himself. It was only right. Aishnak let him go.

He bundled it against his chest, walked it all the way back out to the place he'd found it, the nest its mother had made in the remains of an old farm shed. He dug a hole, deep enough so that only the worms and plant roots would have the body. He held the sad little scrap of meat in his hands, over its grave. And he cried. He cried and cried and he curled up on the dirt and cradled the thing he'd come here to dispose of and he couldn't do it.

Of course, there was really no alternative, and eventually he had no tears left in him to shed. He had no choice but to pick himself up and finish his work. It was then that he became aware of two things: firstly, that standing up was proving difficult, which was frustrating but not especially out of the ordinary. Secondly, and much more unexpected, the lump of fluff enclosed in his hands was wiggling and making quite a bit of noise.

Drik chanced a peek at the dead kitten and immediately confirmed it was not, in fact, dead, by the metric of it being able to prise its way past his fingers and stumble mewling across his thorax. He didn't have a chance to consider what to do about this though because the next thing he did was fall unconscious.

* * * * *

Another decade come and gone. Lounging in a forest clearing, Drik admired his most recent prize in the morning sunlight: a lavishly jewelled pendant, sparkling not just with the lustre of the gold and stones but with the unmistakeable radiance of magic. Barley corroborated his assessment with greedy scrutiny from where she perched atop his knees. The traveller they'd filched it from hadn't seemed anyone special at a glance, but that just went to show the folly of judging books by their covers.

Offering Barley a quick mental apology - for disturbing her seat and for denying her custody of this latest find, to both of which she shot back a tepid psychic grumble - Drik rolled to his feet and pocketed the necklace. It'd be worth a small fortune, to the right buyer. He was due for a visit home.

[twilightmalachite]

Altered - Heaven and Hell 18

Author: Akira

Characters: Natsume

Translator: Mika Enstars

"(Like entering an idol training school as a giRL, you knOW. I have lots of experience that normal kids don't typically haVE. So, that's wHY, I thought I was a “special kID”. I felt hapPY, knowing I wasn't ordinaRY.)"

Season: Autumn

Location: fine Stage (Past)

⚠️ This is an import from a unproofed Twitter Livetweet!

In the past, again, the last performance of the war—Yumenosaki Auditorium…

Natsume: (The dream is endiNG.)

(TruLY, what a strange time these days weRE. Before I entered high schoOL, I could have never imagined my youth would turn out like thIS.)

(I've always been an excellent kid who could do anything they put their mind tO. I'm good with my hands and have a bright miND, and have gained a lot of experience because of Mommy's own reckless choicES.)

(Like entering an idol training school as a giRL, you knOW. I have lots of experience that normal kids don't typically haVE.)

(So, that's wHY, I thought I was a “special kID”.)

(I felt hapPY, knowing I wasn't ordinaRY.)

(So when I first met my niisans of the Five Eccentrics, the humiliation I felt outweighed the joy I felt of having found my bretherEN.)

(I'll acknowledge it honestLY. Nobody can hear me anywaYS, this is my own monologUE.)

(I felt frustratED.)

(Compared to my niisans, I had no individualiTY, I was just a mediocre human beiNG.)

(There was Sakuma Rei, a world-famous superstAR.)

(Shinkai Kanata, who was worshiped as a living god in an ancient religiON.)

(Itsuki Shu, an artist who has built such a unique world-view from such a young aGE, highly acclaimed by even the adult worLD.)

(And Hibiki Wataru… A performer like I aM, but also a geniUS, a superhuman who surpasses me in every possible wAY.)

(What was I doing there with thEM? Our only similarities were sharing the same tiME, at the same acadeMY.)

(It stumped me on why I was grouped with thEM. I had no chanCE. Beside thEM, I became invisibLE.)

(The disparity was so overwhelmiNG, it couldn't be explained by a slight age differenCE.)

(AhH, my niisans are true geniusES.)

(And I'm far from iT. I'm just an ordinary kID.)

(I was constantly reminded of that during these daYS, to be honeST.)

Natsume: (So if I were to say the truTH, I hated my niisans.)

(There were nights where I couldn't sleep because I was so frustratED. I cursed God for being so unreasonaBLE. WhY? Why was I put beside people like thIS?)

(Was it to break me doWN?)

(That pride I hAD, for feeling speciAL.)

(I was always the protagonist of my own life stoRY. I always thought that was “correct”.)

(I was better and more special than everyone elSE, so I deserved to be the protagoniST.)

(That awareneSS, that faCT, gave me confidenCE.)

(It filled my life with a sparkling brillianCE.)

(But thEN, the huge mountain range of my niisans cast a large shadow over my worLD.)

(I hated iT. I hated my niisans because they were scary and distaNT.)

(It pained me so much to admit iT, I completely ignored its existence at firST.)

(When I could no longer ignore my persistent niisans, I pretended it was fine on the surfaCE.)

(But deep insiDE, there was always inferiority and jealousy boiliNG.)

(—I'd even wish they'd dIE. I'd wish they would just all disappeAR.)

(If I could've used magIC, if my hate could kill peopLE, they would have died a long time aGO, without having to have been overthrown by the student council and fine.)

Natsume: (BuT, now that I think about iT, I'm so glad that I can't use magiC.)

(I'm sO, so glad that the world wasn't made to my convenienCE.)

(I was reluctant at firST, but I ended up getting involved with my niisans as my pride didn't allow me to run awAY.)

Natsume: (We did all sorts of things togethER. Whenever we got to see each othER, we'd laugh loudly and have silly conversatioNS. We did a whole lot of stupid things together, especially over summer vacatiON.)

(We all dressed up as sharks and roamed the beaCH. Once we snuck into the prime minister's residenCE, and were all mistaken to be guests as honor for some reasON, and had to talk about things we all made uP.)

(Every time we'd go visit our respective parent's homES, we would have a life-threatening experience for some reasON.)

(They were absuRD, but I got to have countless experiences I could have never dreamt about haviNG. These delightful experiencES, straight out of a story boOK.)

(I treasure each and every one of those memoriES.)

(My niisans, who I should have loathED, gave me so many thinGS.)

(By connecting with real geniusES, they burnished me and I was polished out from being someone ordinaRY.)

(At firST, in order to overcome my sense of inferioriTY, I had tried to steal my niisan's techniquES. Wataru-niisan in particulAR, I felt I could actively reproduce his technique if I tried hard enouGH.)

(I called him “Shishou” and clung to hIM. Rei-niisan's charisMA, Kanata-niisan's mystiqUE, and Shu-niisan's artistic sense might've all been innaTE, bUT…)

(Wataru-niisan's skills appeared to have been acquired through extraordinary efforTS, so I felt like there was room for me to learn from thEM.)

(I was able to grow physically through thAT. And of courSE, mentally as weLL.)

(The days were so wild that the experiences I had as a kid become nothing but child’s plAY—)

(It's all thanks to my niisans taking care of mE. I enjoyed it all from the bottom of my heaRT.)

(Calling them “niisans”, which had first began out of sarcaSM, comes out naturally nOW. Even though it should feel stranGE, since we're not really related by bloOD…)

(It's become immensely important to mE.)

(Ahh, I love my niisans, the Five Eccentrics.)

(And the youth we spent all togethER.)

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[themole]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

anon i love you you can clean my rims anytime 😳

[interruptingkau]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

Are you the same person who's been sending me scripts.....why can't I find this anywhere Did you write this?

[mistress-light]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

[shibearu]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

3 rim jobs for $15 what a steal anon sign me up

[hifi-cat]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

This one is so surreal because it sounds like a pov from my wife going to get me sprite and powerade because my tummy always hurts

[death-cannot-kill-you]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

okay the morbius script was one thing

but I looked this up and I couldn't find anything. did you make this up yourself? why? what does it mean? is there a moral to this story? I don't even own a car.

[hotgirlmara]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

There's gotta be more normal ways to say u have a crush on me but i'm glad u chose this

[spookyscarysnails]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

My allegiance is to Dollarama, but everything else in this story happened

[thefriendlyoldstoryteller]

The Eeveeporium

* A very enthusiastic Salesman shouting*

Welcome, welcome, young and old to the new Eeveeporium where all of your eeveelutionary needs will be satisfied. You there browsing this website, yes you, come in, come in. Let me tell you why the Eeveelutions are the best Pokemon for you and me.

* Goes behind the counter of the Store and pulls out a cute little Vaporeon.*

Did you know that Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokemon for Humans? It's true. Because it's a water type, its small, also everyone wants to have a clean house and with this cutie, you will have your personal water roomba. And on top of that you can reduce your Water bill, isn't this the best.

*Sheds a tear for the beauty of efficiency*

Oh, I see you are worried that all your rugs get all soggy, mistakes happen after all. Don't worry for something like this we have Flareon.

*Gets out industrial strength cooking mittens and opens a conveniently placed oven behind him and pulls out a loafing Flareon.*

This Baby combined with our patented rug dryer, a metal table with isolated feet, will dry your rug in no time at all. Not only that, but Flareon can keep you warm when it's snowing outside and heat your bathwater, what means, no heating bills. Yeah!

Of course what is heating, without cooling.

*Points at mini fridge on the Counter, which slowly opens by itself to reveal a noble Glaceon.*

With Glaceon you can beat any hot summer day, plus it knows how to make ice cream.

*Puts a chef hat on Glaceon and gives her all the ingredients to make ice cream. Glaceon uses Frost Breath immediately, freezing all the ingredients. Glaceon now gives the newly formed ice block a kiss and the block breaks apart revealing a perfect ice cream sundae.*

Delicious. And the Hot'n'Cold Water trio can be yours. Just think about all the money you can save.

*Salesman absent mindedly starts drooling, because he was thinking about how much money he can save.*

What was that? You can't take care of three Eevee's. Well don't be afraid, we got the solution for you .

*Salesman sharply whistled and a bolt of lightning crashes down in front of you. As the smoke from the lightning strike blows away you can see a Jolteon standing on the counter. For some reason Jolteon is slightly vibrating and you can hear engine noises coming from it.*

This is our best seller Jolteon, with the right gear it can do everything that the Hot'n'Cold trio can do, just better.

*The Hot'n'Cold trio whining in the background. They are so sad.*

And again we can not forget how Jolteon will reduce your electricity bill.

Isn't that right Jolteon.

*Salesman pets Jolteons back. Jolteon starts running with light speed and disappears like the Delorean from back to the future.*

Now that's something I haven't seen since yesterday, well anyways, maybe I can convince you to buy the trio with the help of this.

*Slams a plant pot in front of you. Waters the earth inside. And immediately a plant sprout grows out of it. Pull on the sprout and reveals a pretty chill Leafeon in a blue overall with a straw hat on and chewing on some plant. He puts Leafeon down on the counter. Leafeon stands on his hind legs looking relaxed into the middle distance.*

This Eevee ain't much, but an honest Worker. Leafeon can grow you any type of plant from the smallest to the biggest, there is no plant it can't grow to its full potential, what means you have always enough food for you and all the Eevee's you buy. However we must tell you ,for legal reasons, that you can't grow any illegal plants with Leafeon, after all its not a Sprigatito.

What? Your more interested in the non materiel aspects of live. Don't worry, I got you covered.

*He gets a heavily locked metal box with a heart lock on it and drops it on the floor in front of you. He slowly and carefully sticks the key in the lock. Takes a deep breath, turns it and runs the hell away, hiding behind the counter. A rainbow coloured beam shoots out of the box, violently shaking the box in the process and in that rainbow is Sylveon. Sylveon instantly hugged you and its the most heart warming hug you ever felt in your life.*

As you can see Sylveon is the most caring and loving type of Eevee. It will cook for you, clean for you, help you fulfill your dreams, get you a girlfriend or boyfriend, support you no matter what, it will even kill for you, hide the body, make a convincing alibi for the cops, take care of you when your old, take care of your crave and it will love you beyond eternity....literally. Sylveon is the very concept of never ending love. I really, reallly, reallllllly encourage you to buy this one. I even give you a discount.

*Salesman looks at Sylveon eyes, it starred back at him, its stare burrowing itself into Salesman heart and soul filling his head with images of eternal happiness and love. Salesman punches himself.*

You not getting me this time you little freak, I'm a pure materialistic person, you have no power over me or my wallet. Also this time I have reinforcement. Espeon i need you!

*Suddenly reality distorts and Espeon lies on the counter as if it had lain there the whole time and Sylveon is locked up in its box as if it never opened.*

Now I could tell you everything about Espeon or...

*Salesman looks at Espeon as if he is waiting for something.*

Come on...

Espeon sighs. Fine I do my own introduction. I am Espeon if you desirer knowledge I am the Eevee for you I can translate everything. Language, writing, hieroglyphs and some Irish dialects. I can directly stimulate parts of your brain and make learning easier for you. I can help you gain any skill you wish for. I am also a living lie detector, so if you value honesty I can help with this as well.

You forgot the most imported part again. Talking kitty. Isn't she cute, yes you are, who is a cute eevee, you are, yes you are.

I work with imbeciles. Sigh. Please buy me so I may be as far away from this place as possible. I should mention that I can also make you understand pokemon language, if you are interested in talking to the other Eevees now is your chance.

Vaporeon: Buy me, please. I will be good, I promise.

Flareon: It's okay if you don't need me, I just take another nap.

Glaceon: You better be rich I have high standards. And no touching.

Jolteon: I AM SPEED!!!

Leafeon: Do you have a garden? I hope your not afraid of a little bit of dirt? Because if I start, I'm not stopping until the job is done.

Sylveon: BUY ME mortal and your feeble mind will experience a fraction of love that it can handle, but don't underestimate me I can give you love that drives you insane... literally.

Umbreon: I am Batman.

*Salesman looks at Umbreon, who showed up out of nowhere.*

It's not your turn yet. Sigh. Fine.

*Salesman turns of the lights and shines a spot light onto Umbreon.*

Here we have Umbreon, it's the greatest when it comes to training your body and physique. It will find way's to train you without you even knowing that it trains you, with Umbreon you will get a body like Batman. Especially because, it thinks it is Batman. Plus Umbreon will protect you day and night, from monday to saturday, it takes Sunday to rest, as god has intended it to be.

Now that you have seen all I can offer, which one do you take with you ?

Or are you interested in our special ''Cheap as Dirt Deal'' where you can buy Eevee eggs to a ludicrously small price. Of course no guarantee of quality of your purchase, obviously.

Now please buy something, anything, I'm running out of ideas how to sell you this stuff.

Please....

The End

[makahitaki]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can. 

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

Why?

[mr-brightside-is-a-chick]

Hi, I'm a guy standing by the doors of a convenient store that you frequent. It's 10pm and you're out because your wife needed Sprite and Gatorade because her tummy hurts and you'd do anything to make her life easier. Anyway I'm asking you something.

"Hey excuse me, can I ask you a question?"

You say no but I keep talking because I have a very obvious script in my head and you're messing it up so I ignore you.

" I'm not trying to bother you but I noticed your rims are dirty. I clean rims as a side hustle. It's 3 rims for $15."

" You only offer a three pack?" You say visibly confused.

" Well no I can do all four but that’s $20."

"That isn't a deal then if every rim was already $5 each, you know that right?"

"Uhh umm"

I'm stumbling. No one has ever talked to me this long.

"So do you want your rims cleaned?" I’m hopeful.

" No. it's 10pm and we're at a Dollar General. You don't have water or soap or anything."

"Uhhh ummm I can do it some other ti-"

You cut me off.

"And why don't you clean the entire car? Detail all the outside and maybe the inside? Wouldn't that be a better business model?"

" Uhhh well i-"

you cut me off again

"I have to go inside now."

You make a show of locking your car doors. You walk to the entrance and look back and I've disappeared.

You're at the drink aisle and they’re out of your wife's Gatorade that she likes. She's very picky and only likes the light blue one. They only have yellow one. You opt in for Powerade instead, she doesn't like the blue Powerade one so maybe the red one is the safest choice. She does like fruit juice so why wouldn't she like fruit punch flavor? Oh why didn't you have her write an entire essay on her opinions on sports drinks! You're kicking yourself but you grab the bottle and go to the fridges in the back to get a bottle of Sprite. They changed what the bottle looks like again. It looks like every other bottle. God damn these corporations making everything look palatable to everyone. The green bottle kicked ass. You grab the bottle and double check to make sure it's not Sprite Zero because all the bottles look the same and you've made that mistake before. Your wife pretended it was fine and took a baby sip of the soda in front of you to make you believe that it truly was okay then she put it to the side and never touched it again. You threw the full bottle away two days later when you cleaned the house.

Everything checked out so you head to the cash register, walking slowly to look at all the candy hanging in the aisle. “Maybe I should get some gummy sharks” you think but it's already 10pm and they close at 10:30pm. So it's best you just keep walking and not waste time. The lights flicker above you as you walk. You put your items on the conveyor belt and the cashier asks

"Did you find everything okay?"

What? How? It's the same man from outside but he's wearing different clothes and he's smiling so big it looks like it hurts.

"Um yeah I did thanks." You say as calmly as you can.

You pay with your card but the machine isn't processing it.

"Push the card in more" he says.

"Okay yeah."

It works and the payment goes through. You walk fast to your car and get in and drive home. You’re shaken. You wish that your home was farther from that place than it was. You realize it's an easily walkable distance to your home. Something I could easily walk and find your car and its dirty rims. You almost run a red light.

You make it home and it feels nice outside. Feels nicer here than it did there? It's only a 3 minute drive apart. How is that possible? You walk inside and give your wife her drinks. It's clear you made the wrong decision by getting the Powerade. But she drinks the sprite. You take off your shoes and put on pajamas. You don't sleep that night. You think about me and my terrible business I'm running.

The next morning you go outside to clean your rims. They are indeed dirty and maybe I had a point when I said they needed to be cleaned. You make your pathetic little soap mixture and sit down to get to work. With soapy rag in hand, you see a little smiley face etched out of the dirt on your driver front rim. You spend too much time scrubbing away the dirt. After an hour, you get up tired and wet and think "maybe that was worth $20"

Hey genuinely what the fuck is this. Is this a threat? Should I be worried? Anon are you okay??