#anyway this is 100% inspired by the fact that I watched Blue Planet with my sister last night

[silverskye13]

Etho stumbled onto the beach, tired, sore, hungry, and one moment of weakness away from calling Tango and begging for mercy. Sure, the whole exile thing had been his idea. Sure, it had all gone downhill at approximately the same intervals he thought it would. And sure, he'd feel really, really stupid for making Tango help him dig himself into this hole only to whine to be dug out again, but who could blame him? Life in exile was hard.

Everything that could possibly go wrong had gone wrong, he couldn't get a moment of peace with all the half-panicked villagers milling around, and his gear was half busted. There were raids too. Death after death to vexes and evokers lost in the caverns. Dragging himself through mud and water and gravel just to trudge back up to the villager bell and have no clue where the final raiders were. Ravagers pitching him off the cliff at every other turn...

Etho sighed dramatically and sprawled out in the sand, letting himself sink body and soul into self pity and misery. His communicator was a brick in his pocket, taunting him with its presence. It stuck to his thigh with the uncomfortable, matted grasp of wet fabric. He was well and truly soaked after his last climb through the caverns, and his clothes clung to him like a second skin, salted with sweat and blotted with blood from cuts and scrapes. A crossbow bolt, broken at the shaft, pinned his belt against his chainmail. The tip of the bolt pricked him uncomfortably, worrying the bruise that had formed around its impact; though it was rendered nonlethal by the stubborn mail he was wearing, it still hurt. Laying in the sand like he was, he was just adding more grit to the mix, more minor inconveniences to add straws of weight to the almost-broken back of his resistance. More to scrub and clean and dwell on later, while he contemplated giving up.

The sky above was cloudless and brimming with stars.

Etho watched the tiny points of light flicker, and mapped the planets that didn't. His single player world was up there somewhere. So were all the other Hermitcrafts he'd been to - and those he hadn't. It was weird knowing he could chart his presence in the universe with points of light. There had been a long time, before so many worlds formed and fought into being, that he had charted his existence by thoughts and impulses and idle curiosity. Ethoslab - void first, player afterthought. He couldn't really pinpoint the moment he chose physicality, he only knew that he had, and had yet to un-choose it.

There was so much more of him. He was so much bigger than this little peninsula of shoreline. So much bigger than pesky ravagers, peskier villagers. He could give up and just recede back up there into the stars, bid farewell to Season 9. He'd started late anyway. Imposed a barrier he had too much trouble crossing. No one would blame him if he simply unspooled himself into the aether and rested for a while. For a season. Maybe two. The hermits were understanding like that. It was one of the things that made them mortal - the ability to empathize and understand.

Not that Etho couldn't do either of those things. It just took effort, like climbing uphill through a water stream. Like running from waves of vex summoned by a hidden evoker. He thought maybe his exile would help with that: the effort to pretend to be mortal. The effort to understand things the way they did, relate the way they did. To enjoy their company the way they enjoyed his.

No one would blame him if he decided he was too tired. They couldn't. It wasn't in their nature.

Etho blinked up at his stars, his universe, the pieces of him he'd left behind places where he tried his hardest to be player first, void second. He should make a decision. He should reach into his pocket and call Tango. Or he should drag himself to his feet and soldier on.

Or he could just sleep on the beach here. Sure he'd wake up cold and sandy, but hey, the sound of the waves was nice. It was a steady rhythm, the water muttering incomprehensible secrets to the sand and shells. He timed his breathing with the rolling surf, watched the sky, and tried to live in a single moment. His skin itched where it touched the sand. His scalp crawled where the water in his hair dried. He closed his eyes and sighed, bearing his discomforts as best he could.

He didn't fall asleep. He was lulled to the edge of it, maybe. His breath evened out. His thoughts spun towards nonexistence. His body was weighted with the feeling of sinking through the ground, through his subconscious into comfortable oblivion. Then, with every rush of the waves, wakefulness returned for him like a stray dog - meandering and lazy, but brutally persistent.

He was dragged awake alongside the presence of... something. He couldn't place it at first, so hazy in his exhaustion that he measured it as his own wakefulness at first. As he sat up in the sand though, he found whatever it was out there was distinct from himself. It was a great unspooling of something, a system of thought and presence in the water. The horizon was alight with it, a pale pseudo-sunrise that pulsed like heat rays off the surface of the water. Its consciousness brushed his, extended as he had been, and he felt the edges of something vast, fathomless, deep and drowning. It was cold in that crushing way the depth of the ocean is cold, a sunless dark smothered by water and distance, alight only by the predatory longing to feed. It was sharp-toothed, patient as a mountain in the breath before an avalanche, and when it brushed by him, it grinned.

The waves arced higher, roared, raced and crashed. White sea foam curled up the beach towards him, electrified by the thought and will that compelled it. Brightly colored fish, tinged silver-grey by the night, darted from them, roiling the water in great pulses and ripples. Entire schools of them fled the water, leaping into the sky as though driven by some great predator, backlit by that yellow phosphorescence in the deep that Etho recognized as eyes. Dozens of gazes trained in his direction, their lights spilling together. The sea boiled. The thing was nearing the shore. As it approached, it made itself familiar. Dark depths of frigid presence condensed and warmed themselves. Bright eyes winked out one after another until only two remained, unsettlingly bright, but human in their proportion. The crashing waves soothed, returning to a gentle rolling against the shore, and with each beat forward, they pulled this thing, now a him, towards dry land. 

xB crawled out of the water with all the clumsy effort and strength of the first amphibians sniffing for shore in the times before history. His clothes were soaked. His hair was streaked with sand and kelp. His hands were planted firmly in his pockets. If not for all the sea water, and the hint of scales and gills like lace around his throat, he could have just strolled out of a building in the shopping district.

"Hullo," xB said anticlimactically, grinning with teeth that looked as though they couldn't decide how human they should be. They were situated in simple, straight rows, but the gums were too pale, and the white bone too sharp. 

"Hey xB," Etho squinted his eyes, the closest to a smile he had to get with the mask on. It saved him the effort of trying to figure out how to arrange his face for human interaction. "Out fishing?"

xB chuckled, tilting his head to the side to let some trapped water out of his ear. It was just a few more indistinguishable drops to add to the damp ring of sand around his feet. "Maybe. You out star gazing?"

"I'm in exile."

"Ah. I see. So that’s why you’re so far out here,” xB shook his head, scattering water and sand from his hair. If the action was meant to dry him at all, it didn’t help. He sat down beside Etho, and the smell of salt and fish misted off of him in waves. “Should I leave?”

“I feel like you’re not going to,” Etho chuckled, laying back in the sand. He crossed his arms behind his head and gazed up at the sky, re-charting points of light he’d already mapped a thousand times in his head. “What brings you all the way out here?”

“I needed a vacation,” xB sighed and stretched, and bones that hadn’t existed a few minutes ago popped and cracked along his spine. “I love all those guys dearly, really I do, but they’re all so…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words. Finally he settled on, “... human.”

Etho nodded.

“They move too fast, and they work too big,” xB explained, as though he had to. “There’s so much emotionality going on there. I needed to just be…” he gestured vaguely to the ocean, conveying some other indescribable thing he was having trouble putting into words, “... you know. For a little while.”

“I get it,” Etho hummed, blinking skyward. He and xB were a lot alike, all things considered. The deep ocean and its half-life sentience, and the void and its time-damned knowingness, felt similar from time to time. To sensitive hands, both ice and liquid nitrogen felt cold. There were generous differences between the two things, but cold wasn’t one of them. “Well, don’t stop on my account.”

“I’m stopping on my account,” xB chuckled, even though there wasn’t much to laugh at. “I don’t wanna get lost in it, yanno? Ya’ll wouldn’t see me for the rest of the season.”

Etho nodded wordlessly. 

“Unless,” xB said slowly, smirking down at him with bright eyes, “that was a really subtle way of telling me to shove off.”

Etho feigned hurt, placing a hand over his chest and raising his eyebrows, “xB! I would never--”

“Oh I see right through you, spaceman,” xB laughed. “Putting the hermit in hermitcraft out here. I see how it is.”

xB didn’t move to stand, but then again, that was the nature of the ocean. The surf didn’t leave the cliff because it wanted some alone time. It dug in and chipped away, until it had all the bones of the earth powdered to sand. So xB didn’t leave, and Etho didn’t try to make him. The void was more of a watcher than an actor anyway, and he could outlast xB’s patience. That wasn’t a sea-void metaphor, that was just them.

“I’m guessing you’re out here for the same reasons I am, then?” xB pressed on, heedless of Etho’s silence. “It takes some adjustment, but the exile’s a little extreme. I prefer full immersion myself.”

“I thought about not joining,” Etho hummed, finding a planet to fix his eyes on. It was a vaguely reddish light in the sky. “I’m joining late as it is.”

“Better late than never?” xB remarked, testing the waters with him, trying to figure out what he needed to hear. Or maybe he was just trying to make conversation. It was an odd little language barrier between them - two strange consciousnesses, one of void one of sea, conversing through the only experience they shared, pretending to be human. It was a language neither of them were the best at, but they tried regardless. 

“It's hard, xB," Etho told him, like he needed the reminder. "My body is awkward, I hate pain, and you're right, they're all so much all the time. I'm nothing. So much of me is just distant points of light and quiet moments."

"You're an airhead," xB concluded for him inelegantly. 

Etho chuckled, "Only sometimes."

"Fill it with redstone then. You're good at that."

"Redstone burns," Etho told him. "I'm not ready to burn yet. I can barely do noise."

"Aren't stars loud?" xB asked him. "I feel like giant burning balls of gas are probably loud."

"Is the bottom of the ocean loud?"

xB tilted his head thoughtfully, like the question had never really occurred to him. "Define loud?"

"Human loud. Like noise."

"The bottom of the ocean probably just sounds like your eardrums bursting, then."

"The void is quiet until you touch something."

xB wrinkled his nose, "But you're always touching something."

"There's not enough something in the void to touch."

"Should be full of water."

"Water is rare."

xB hissed unpleasantly, a disgusted sound that he wasn't quite human enough to make normal. It sounded too much like the charge before a guardian strike. "Water is life."

"Life is rare, and we'd make some mortal philosophers cringe."

The two of them chuckled, because they were talking nonsense - two immortal things pretending they knew mortal concepts like life and rarity. It was funny; pleasantly distracting. It was a distraction that only lasted until they were silent. 

Etho looked up at the sky and sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, xB.”

The sound of the ocean filled the silence between them, calm and steady without xB stirring it up. Etho could imagine it was xB’s heartbeat, constant and droning, an unstoppable rhythm. Etho didn’t have a heartbeat. The vibrations of the universe were random and distant, and many of them weren’t even his to claim. They were worlds and broadcasts, and advanced communicators sending data and coding across lightyears of distance. 

Etho allowed himself a moment to think, really, he was quite lonely. Even sitting beside someone he should have every reason to relate to. And if he had trouble even seeing bits of himself in xB, well, there really wasn’t much hope for him this season, was there? It was a gloomy thought, but it wasn’t a new one. Yes… maybe rest was his best option after all. Like starting a new day, just a few years from now. What was time, really, to someone made of timelessness? The hermits would understand.

“You ever stop and think how cool it is,” xB spoke slowly, gazing up at the sky, picking his words with the same care that astronomers identified planets, “that we live in a universe where, in its two darkest, most desperate places, there are stars?”

Etho sat up slowly, peering out at the ocean. He could see the stars in the sky reflected in smears of light on the water. He got the distinct feeling, though, that they weren’t what xB was talking about. "You mean starfish?"

xB nodded, smirking, like he was aware it was a bit ridiculous. "The deepest oceans I've ever swam, there have always been starfish. Like deep, deep down, where the water's so heavy it sits on your chest like it hates you. They crawl around down there, tenacious little guys. Almost as tenacious as stars making themselves in nebulas, and burning up and making worlds, and burning those up too."

Etho smiled, "Are you giving me a pep-talk, xB?"

"Oh definitely not. It's only a pep-talk if I walk enigmatically into the ocean afterwards," xB stood and stretched, loose sand falling from his clothes and dusting the top of Etho's head. "I'll see you in a few days then, when your exile is over?"

He asked it like it was a real question. Like he didn't already know the answer. Etho shrugged, "Maybe."

xB graced him with one more chuckle, followed by a lazy salute, "Good luck, Etho."

xB walked into the water, shedding his humanity with every step. It seemed less like he disappeared into the water and more like he diffused into it, a collection of thoughts and ideas that colored the surface like spilled oil before melting into the tide and vanishing. Etho watched the place he vanished, watched the breaking of dawn start to lighten the sky on the farthest horizon. One star, then two, then three disappeared into the sunlight. Etho sighed, stood, stretched out his back and felt every pop and ache in his spine as he did so.

"Tenacious as the stars, huh?" Etho asked the ocean in front of him.

He got back to work. 

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[writefightandflightclub]

Rebelle of the ball

Poe x fem reader (mainly so the pun worked, sorry gender-neutral readers!)

Author’s note: this my very loose riff on a traditional princess story- particularly that “princess moment” when a guy sees his girl all dressed up walking down a staircase and falls hard / realises his existing feelings. Reader’s POV is that if Poe doesn’t fall for her tonight, in this dress, then it’s never going to happen, is it? This fic is written from Poe’s POV which was a different kinda challenge altogether. Also, I didn’t agonise over this one so sorry if it’s no good. Let me know how I did, k?

Summary: You and Poe have to go on an undercover mission to a diplomat’s ball at Canto Bight casino to gather intel for the Resistance. While you pose as an esteemed Princess, will Poe turn out to be your Prince Charming?

Warnings: Language, canon-typical violence, mild sex references. 

GIF by @vivienvalentino

Poe is nervous and pacing. He’s read and reread the briefing package sent to him by the ops team. He’s gotten dressed in his black and gold suit. He’s checked his slicked-back hair in the mirror more than he would usually care to. Now he’s waiting on you. And he’s not a particularly patient man.

He raps on the door to your adjoining suite one more time. “What now?!” you hiss through the door, and he sucks air through his teeth. He’s sure you sound even more angry than last time he checked-in with you.

“Are you sure you don’t want a hand, Princess?”

“Fuck off, Prince Charming.” you shout through the door. Charming, indeed.

You’ve been in there at least two hours, bedecking yourself in some form of complicated finery for the evening. A delegation of Resistance members had managed to do some stellar work off-planet, securing a sponsor for the mission. Which -essentially- meant that you had both been hooked up with outfits grotesque and gaudy enough to fit in at tonight’s delegate’s ball in Canto Bight; the casino and playground of the rich and powerful. Only the finest and most elaborate costuming would do to convince guests that you truly were an esteemed Princess of Pavia-9, as you claimed to be. And only then could you get the intel on arms drops you so badly needed to intercept the shipments and topple the Order’s plans.

A fresh wave of nausea hits Poe when he thinks about what you’re about to do. Sure, the pretentious assholes who frequented Canto Bight weren’t battle-hardened like you. But they were abundant enough in number, and had pleny of hired muscle around for things to go royally wrong if they caught on to the fact you were an imposter. No, Poe isn’t a patient man at all. He doesn’t like waiting on you because it allows him plenty of time to plan ahead; “planning ahead”, in his book, is also known as an extended opportunity to ruminate on all the ways things can go wrong. Characteristically, he’d much rather just get out there and wing it. To worry is to suffer twice, and all that.

When you eventually emerge from your suite your expressjon and your body language are impartial, neutral. But you twirl gently, and ask “well?”

Poe looks you up and down and back up again. A gold, elaborate sculpture of a crown adorns your head. Your hair is folded in intricate petals. Your face is caked in so much make-up you barely look like yourself. Your body is enrobed in an ostentatious jewel blue dress and cape, complete with flamboyant shoulder decorations and arm cuffs.

“You look...” he can see you holding your breath, awaiting his reaction, but this is all he has. “You look ridiculous.”

Despite your best attempt at bravado you are visibly upset. “I’m not supposed to look ridiculous, I’m supposed to look good.”

“No, you’re supposed to look rich, trust me, there’s a difference.”

Poe considers reminding you not to take it personally. That you are beautiful. But it’s not relevant for the mission and it’s probably not the kinda thought that -as your Commander- he should be entertaining anyway.

His eyes flick back over you again. ��Can you run in those shoes?” he asks, genuinely concerned looking at the height of them.

“Poe. Do I look like a Princess?”

“Don’t go getting ideas below your station.” he smiles at you gently, trying to mask the nerves which prod insistently at his chest, not allowing him to forget the risks. You look like a Princess, for sure. He just thinks that Princess is a bit of a step down for you. Although he does know one Princess who turned out to be pretty badass, most he’d encountered were detached and self-absorbed, outsourcing the true cost of their lifestyle to those who stood to suffer most. 

“Poe!” you yell, scowling now. He concedes that you need some actual reassurance rather than his loose platitudes.

“They’ll buy it. 100%. I promise.” Then he adds, “Do you have your blaster? Communicator?” You nod and flash him your thigh, showing where it’s strapped. He tries not to visibly react to the flash of skin but there’s something he finds very hot about the holster tightened around your leg.

“Good. Now. How do I look?”. He straightens his tie and opens his palms to you, presenting himself.

You look him up and down. “You’re doing a great job of looking like a rich asshole.” He had to figure there’d be no way you’d compliment him after his own reation. But, he can tell by the flare of your nostrils -and the areas of him that your eyes travel to- that you like what you see. He prays you do a better job of hiding your emotions when you’re in front of the crowd.

On that note, he clasps your hands in his, conscious of his clammy grip, and looks deeply into your eyes.”Are you ready to do this?” He searches for any hesitation and finds only a determined resolve.

Poe offers his next words measuredly, carefully, recapping the plan.“You know the mark. Let him come to you. Find out what we need, find me, and we get out. Provided the bribes have worked, the real Princess will be delayed at the checkpoint for 35 minutes. That’s all we’ve got and then we need to move.”

“This’ll be fun.” You smile; a wild, improvident look in your eyes. Poe figures the adrenaline must be kicking-in and overriding some of your nerves and better judgement. Fine then, you’ll both just wing it.

He’s certainly done enough worrying about this. He sincerely hopes that will mean he has saved you the trouble of having to suffer.

***

These people, this place; it’s all grotesque. If this is luxury, Poe has already had an excess of the excess.

Everything is obsence. The thought of these people getting rich by dealing arms, wreaking havoc on innocent people - all to catwalk their garish outfits and passively agressively outbrag one-another at champagne mixers - makes his blood boil. But, he must refrain from blasting anyone just yet.

Poe is posing as a middling member of the Galactic Senate from a planet with plausible ties to the old imperials. Nothing risky enough that anyone should question him too insistently. So, he mingles amongst the throng of the crowd, rubbing shoulders with tasteless, vulgar individuals and trying to keep his fists and weapons to himself. Groups of men stop him, with faux interest, seemingly only to boast about pointless items within their possession as if they mattered, and then to dismissively describe arms deals which contributed to massacres as though the lives taken were of zero consequence. The only thing preventing Poe from blasting half of these assholes is the satisfying thought that you’re about to dupe them and they have no kriffing idea. It makes a delicious smile spread over his face, which these over-indulged narcissists mistake for tacit approval, of course.

Finally, the announcement sounds out informing the room that the arrival of the Princess of Pavia-9 is imminent. The guests, noticeably abuzz, seem intrigued to finally catch a glimpse of the famously beautiful, ruthless, and reculsive monarch-in-waiting. The throng move to congregate at the bottom of the central staircase, ready to watch you make your entrance. Poe joins the thick of the crowd, taking a position off to the side, flanked by obtrusive flower displays, imposing gilded statues, and gaudy champagne towers. The orchestral music is paused, and, as everyone awaits your appearance, you could hear a droid-bolt drop.

Poe’s heart is in his mouth, a slight taste of bile as he readies himself for your moment of truth. His legs are shaking a little with nerves now, a sheen of sweat developing on his brow. You really are surrounded by people who would not hesitate to kill you, or worse. Then, he sees you appear at the opening of the stairs, the jewel blue of your dress in stark contrast to the gold staircase.

Well, you’ve made it this far, at least. Hopefully you can pull-off being a Princess for half an hour more. Poe looks nervously around to see if the crowd are buying it. Well, he never should have doubted you.

The crowd is enraptured, looking at you in awe. There is an audible ripple of excitement and nervous energy which spreads across the room as they receive their first glimpse of you, and the ripple of bows which follow feels like more than a simple act of obeying custom; it feels like they are bowing because you inspire them to. Because your presence commands it. You move deliberately, confidently, gracefully down the staircase.

A woman to Poe’s side whispers to her companion “She’s breathtaking.” Poe’s face can’t help but spread into a grin. Not even because they’re buying-it (although that is an untold relief). Not even because of the compliment. More so, because everyone here in awe of you is missing the point entirely. Maybe they like that ridiculous outfit, the power and status you appear to convey, your body in that form-fitting dress -which, ok, now that’s he’s looking he admits you carry off well. But no, Poe looks at you and he knows the secret. He knows you’re majestic because of the way you just bravely, cooly, commandingly walked into a room full of your enemies and still owned it, not giving off a hint of nerves. He knows you’re majestic because you were prepared to risk yourself not for your own gain or status; you did so for the good of the Resistance. For all that, you are more beautiful than any self-regarding poser in this room. You’re fucking baller.

You make it down the staircase without a stumble and the orchestra start-up again. Poe sees you begin to track through the crowd, people simutaneoulsy flocking to be close to you and shrinking back from your steely and arresting presence. He knows your mark will soon beeline for you. The transaction is well-rehearsed and Poe is confident in what you can do. All being well, you will rendezvous with him in the hallway by the service exit in 15 minutes.

Itching to whisk you out of there, perhaps overly keen not to lose sight of you in the crowd, Poe lingers a little too long in just the wrong spot. Edging close enough to the periphery of the party to arouse suspicion.

“Excuse me. Can I assist you?” It’s one of the security officers the casino has assigned to protect the Princess, now that’s you. He sidles over, chest puffed out, towering over Poe.

“No, thank you.”

“Can I see your credentials?” 

Poe flashes his best, affronted-rich-person face, but subterfuge really isn’t his strongpoint. He’s just the getaway pilot. “How dare you...” he begins.

From the corner of his eye, he sees you notice him and the brewing confrontation. He sees you subtly -via a thread of greetings and kisses to your hand- trying to weave through the crowd and reduce the distance between you both, in case of the need for a quick exit. He throws you a somehwat helpless, sidelong glance.

And then, it gets worse. Poe guesses that the real Princess’ ship has made its way through the checkpoint early, as the guard’s communicator crackles to life, a panicked voice raising a very valid concern about how the Princess could possibly already be there. That will, emphatically, be your cue to leave then.

“Oh, shit.”

Poe whistles loudly, his pinkies in his mouth, and yells indiscrimately into the crowd. “Let’s roll, Princess!”

You are close enough that he hears you exclaim, “oh fuck”, before push-kicking another guard right into the orchestra, and he hears them landing in a dischord of groans and reverberating strings. He sees a flash of jewel blue as hands grab at your robe, which you abandon, throwing it over the head of one of your pursuers. This buys you an extra split second to slip away as you elbow your way through the crowd of -thankfully- sufficiently confused delegates. The crowd are startled enough that the path of the other guards remains blocked, a few beelining and jostling through towards you from all corners of the room, sending people and drinks and champagne towers toppling.

Poe uses the distraction to land a respectable hook to the chin of the security officer who had decided to accost him and you skid to a halt in front of him, in time to follow his hook up with a solid elbow to the guard’s face.

And then, to him; “We royally fucked up, what can I say?”

He makes a mental note to tell you how fucking badass you are, but that can wait.

“It’s just a slight hiccup, Princess. You ready to run?”

You lift the hem of your dress to reveal your old, worn flight boots in place of the heels you’d donned earlier.

Poe beams in delight “You changed your shoes,”

You grin back “I changed my shoes.”

Poe guides you urgently out of the service exit with a hand on your back and you head out first. You both know where you’re running, having scoped out the speeders earlier in the evening. You can’t let the security forces get there before you. You both leg it, running and half-sliding down the steep hilside until your lungs burn and your legs shake, your blasters now drawn. You haven’t made it far enough by the time blaster shots begin to lick at your heels.Thankfully the ground has begun to flatten out a little or with their higher vantage point -and your disadvantage point- you’d be done for.

Thinking quickly, Poe crouches and takes a position behind a crumbling bit of wall. He needs you away from their line of fire, now. “Get to the speeders, I’ll stay here and pick a few off.” You don’t even hesitate to leave him there to be all heroic, which he chooses to believe is a sign you trust his judgement. Trusting you also, to come back for him, Poe focusses at the task at hand, dropping a few of the security team as they make their way down the hill. He notes with vexation that crafts have taken to the skies already, searchlights combing through the long grasses.

Distracted by the whirr of one such craft as it comes unnervingly close overhead, he doesn’t spot one of the pursuers until they have already cleared the brow of the nearest hill, looking equally shocked to find Poe crouched behind the makeshift cover as they plant their feet and recover from their jump.

The split seond needed before recognition hits is the only reason Poe hasn’t been blasted yet. It’s also the reason neither of them see or hear you approach on the looted speeder, given the additional cover of the noisy craft overhead. At least, Poe’s adversary doesn’t notice you until it’s far too late. You steer the landbike towards him, your golden headdress now being yielded in one fist, like a goddess riding into battle, as you straddle the vehicle. You sock the guard in the back of the head with your crown, the momentum of your strike knocking him out cold. You toss the now useless adornment to the floor and it rolls down to land at Poe’s feet. The guard too wavers and then drops to his knees in what feels like slow motion, rolling down the hill limply.

“That’s it. Bow down to your Princess, you fucker.”

See. Fucking baller.

Poe is almost inspired to fall to his knees too.

He looks up at you from the lower ground. You have a split in your dress up to your thigh, leaving your oh so practical flight boots and blaster holster on show. Your hair is a mess and a cut seethes on your lip. This is it. This is the moment the force of his feelings for you hits him. It’s like a sucker punch. He relates a little too heavily to the guard you’ve just KO’d.

“Can you stop gawping and get the fuck on, Poe!”

Your command rips him back to reality and he clambers over to the speeder, throwing his leg over and shuffling close to you, hands circling around your waist.

Now it’s just a small matter of making it down to the secluded cove where the ship is hidden and he can finally make himself a bit more useful.

“Don’t let go!” you shout above the throttle of the engine as the vehicle accelerates with a jolt.

No, he certainly doesn’t plan on it.

***

You make it back to the ship, tumbling through the doors with a flood of relieved laughter.

“See, I told you that would be fun,” you grin deliciously.

Poe vaults into the pilot’s seat and fiddles with various nozzles, levers, and dials, flying manually until he’s sure it’s safe enough to jump into hyperdrive. He ditches the Cantonican ships with ease - he’s one helluva piot after all- and you settle into the chair next to him to jump straight on comms.

“General. One slight hiccup, but we did it. Listen, the shipment is on Malomir, they have an outpost there amongst some old salt mines. It’s the centre for their whole distribution and it’s weak at the top peak where the two ridges meet- that’s where there was a cave in of the main shaft a couple of decade ago. I’m patching coordinates through now, but hit it hard and fast, there’s no way that they can move anything much out of there before we can strike. We light it up that whole thing is going to blow. Let’s take them down!”

“Copy that, Major, Commander. We’ll move now. Well done.” Poe can hear the smile in Leia’s voice through the comms, can hear celebration in the background of the briefing rom.

“Thank you, General, copy that.”

After that, Poe breathes out a big sigh of relief, of elation. This victory could save a lot of lives and really slow the Order as well as a lot of warmongers down. Pleasingly, it would also hit them where they understood too- their wallets. But, there’s also another layer of joy mixed in. You are safe. A significant victory.

Poe jumps the ship into hyperdrive which allows you to sit back for a moment. You handled it, this mission, but it can’t have been a breeze. You’re good at hiding the truth (and extracting it too)- it’s part of your skillset, but Poe knows you well enough to see through your cool exterior, or at least he likes to think so. You are quiet as you take a moment to look out at the blue and white light slipping by, letting your muscles untense. He let’s you have it, uninterrupted. Poe regards you ardently, the light casting an ethereal glow over your features, and over the contours of your body. In that jewel blue gown, it’s almost as if you are made of starlight. He smiles softly to himself as he realises how disappointed that crowd back at Canto Bight are gonna be when they get their “real” Princess. Surely nothing could compare to you.

When you turn back, you see that Poe has spun around in his chair, legs spread and hands clasped behind his head.

He’s still looking at you. Still gawping, he realises, but he suddenly doesn’t care if you know it.

“What?” you ask bashfully, recognising the blatant admiration on his face.

“Now you look good.” 

“I do? Not ridiculous?”

He smiles. He’s going to be paying for that comment for a long time, isn’t he? “Yeah, like you usually do. Badass, gorgeous, fucking majestic.” His voice is soft, genuine. He scopes your reaction to the compliment, but you don’t seem to bristle. That’s good, because he has a lot more where that came from.

“Well,” you venture, “if I’m being honest you look pretty good in that suit.”

“I know, I saw you looking.” There’s a beat. “I’d look better out of it.”

“I’ll bet, you goof.”

Again, he’s pleased to see that you don’t seem entirely averse to the suggestion. In fact, you come to sit on the arm of his chair, that gorgeous split extending up your thigh again.

“Seriously though, I didn’t mean to offend you earlier. Those people in there, they’re ugly. No matter how they dress it up. But you, you’re ...” His tongue feels heavy in his mouth, and with you so close he can barely get his words out anymore. Maybe he’s a little distracted.

“Uh-huh. I get it, Poe.” Your lips quirk up at the corners. “But are you also liking this dress a little more now?” You might have noticed the way his eyes are sweeping approvingly over your body, his words becoming less and less coherent.

“Oh yeah, it’s working for me a lot more out of context.”

“Good to know, Prince Charming.” you say with a gratified smile as you straddle him on the chair, thighs spread, lips hovering close to him. “Now how about we make-out and then go blow some stuff up on Malomir?”

“Anything you say, Princess. I’ve seen what happens to your disloyal subjects and I don’t want to suffer the same fate.”

Poe might be about to have his best day ever, he thinks.

You pulled off being a Princess for the night, but you are most definitely his Queen- he hopes, for a long time.

[jaggedwolf]

agent wu isn’t on duty tonight (or: tscosi 1x10)

because I remember when I did this for wearp and it was fun so here we go with arbitrary section headings again

Top 3 things I had feelings about, in reverse order, or: in which jaggedwolf is deeply predictable

3. "But I like it when you talk" + the speech it was in response to. I'm just picturing Arkady standing there injured and tired but with a kinda silly smile on her face as she listens to Violet ramble and at no point thinking to herself "perhaps Violet's statement calls for a response". nope. she could just hang out there forever listening to Violet alternately say flattering things about her and go on about whatever. 

Violet’s entire rambling? Amazing

“Normally I’d take this as a sign of disinterest but with you it can go both ways” Ha!

Have I mentioned that my real OTP for this show is Violet’s weird sincerity (even when using sarcasm to cope) colliding with Arkady’s barely held together recoiling from any sincerity? Because it is.

“Dating in a romantic sense?”

what the hell, Arkady

Violet would have been 100% in her rights to have made a terrible carbon dating joke here and I’m half-disappointed she didn’t

low-key mourning the loss of a good slow-burn, but also knew it wasn’t tenable as soon as Krejjh mentioned the kissing

2. The Rumor is no more ;_; look it makes good sense as a plan which my head acknowledges, but my heart is mostly going "but Sana mADE IT". 

though that brings up another question: did she like, always have that self-destruct fail-safe or did they jerry-rig that in two weeks because I am completely on-board with either possibility

I’m equally here for Sana making spaceships ad Sana stealing spaceships so I guess I just like Sana and spaceships content in general

I imagine that once your home’s been invaded by invisible brain-washed nanobots, it probably is a little easier to let it go

let us all mourn the remains of the hammock

how much of their stuff did they manage to move to the new ship during the blip in security footage?

1. The scene with General Frederick, Violet and Arkady. Sometimes all you want is Arkady getting shot to make Violet blab and I was anticipating it as soon as "Source A apprehended" was said. Good stuff. 

Totally would not have minded that scene going longer and Arkady getting more hurt. :)

me: already contemplating scenarios where Violet gets shot instead? Of course. (naturally, it couldn’t be for the same tactic on either side)

Important (to me) facts we learned:

Brian is capable of carrying Krejjh (easily, I would think, given that no one offers to help.)

Sana was arrested for hot-wiring spaceships

I like to learn more about that plural

McCabe guessed "revolution" the same time at which my brain thought it

McCabe is an excellent shot

Unsurprisingly, the answer to my question about the IGR’s college-to-spying pipeline is: spy college

wonder if my answer to McCabe’s daemon question should change to something more akin to hunting dog

I admit, I was a teensy bit hoping for McCabe to die, purely for narrative reasons, but this is cool too

In a meta-joke, Ensign Best was the real traitor all along

this makes Ensign Best Ricky Q's contact and that's so funny to me

At least according to Violet, Arkady looks good in a tank top

we all subliminally knew this already, but still, good to have confirmation.

Stabbing people with needles is indeed a Violet Liu-style plan.

Arkady still had her IGR jacket

possibly for scams, possibly to broodily stare at while thinking about her past, who knows

Dwarnians have at least one knee

More under the cut, because I am incapable of shutting up. 

Things I did not see coming

Agent Park coming back, let alone as a pirate

I assume plans were made for Shelly but I still hope she’s okay

Brian talking to the bots

 in retrospect, was very telegraphed

 I am just very bad at thinking of the swarm as as sentient and sapient as they are

The bots didn’t attack Park and McCabe, who as far as I can tell were still in uniform and still holding their weapons?

hmm if any of the agents had listened to the live audio of the crew during the episode, pre-bot reset, I wonder if it would’ve changed things

everyone saying their own names for the credits was very cute and I hope that sticks around

COWABUNGA

You know, if Dwarnian soldiers in general have a tendency to just yell dramatic lines while also being very good at shooting humans, I feel like humanity’s terror at them is pretty justified

I want to know how much Krejjh enjoyed their fake death

Agent Park going “humankind” very dramatically while shooting into the floor? Krejjh has got to be a little impressed once they got over the whole almost dying thing

Injured but is definitely still the person piloting them off-planet, if their legs don’t work Crewman Jeeter will be their legs

Sana: Capable of flying a ship. Uninjured. Also clearly confident that even an injured Krejjh is their best shot or she would’ve said something, I presume

Side-note: Was vaguely hoping for a mention of Dwarnian blood colour, a guy can dream.

we love you :)

once a caterer, got shot at a lot

is as always, very chill even when all the things are happening

probably the only human to say “we/I love you” to the swarm

the swarm has not had a good time so they probably appreciated that

sometimes your knowledge of advanced xeno-linguistics does save the day (in the background: krejjh, still a little embarassed at how bad their vree-chel-noke is)

the angry angry general

if I heard right, the agent said she was only down, not dead right?

Good

I want her to come back and menace people again, she’s a good menacer and great to hate.

the invisible blue-collar

how many spaceships did Sana get away with hot-wiring by playing the old “I’m just here for repairs” trick anyway

I assume it’s a more involved process than hot-wiring a car but I don’t know much about that either

has had several different versions of that post-mission inspiring speech in her pocket and is very glad she got to use the version she did

the Iris!

I mean, I knew that name was coming as soon as they got a new ship but I’m still delighted

Sana to the IGR: -the universal i’m watching you gesture-

I hope she gets to reconcile with soup man (I almost called him tomato man because the other day I was thinking about him growing tomatoes. I am sorry)

she can change her own dressings (no she can’t)

Already mentioned this but Arkady getting shot as leverage over Violet? Delicious. 

Also is too sensible for a dramatic kiss goodbye and I approve of that 

not sensible enough to acknowledge she can’t change her own dressings. on one hand, she got shot in the thigh. on the other hand, embarrassment is not a good reason to risk an infection, you fool!

the “That’s not possible” at the general saying Krejjh was dead was very good 

I’m not sure Arkady believes Krejjh capable of dying, deep down

report 1: violet liu

forget ship names, the true full circle is Violet starting the season ramble-flirting with a girl and also ending it that way

her entire exchange with the general 

“swayed by moonshine and some pretty words” is such a fun accusation to throw at Violet because it’s true. those things just mean more than their literal definitions.

channeling her very real reaction to Arkady getting shot into a long-winded spiel that actually reveals nothing <3

it wasn’t until she literally asked that I realized that duh, Violet doesn’t know any of their Source designations

she was supposed to die in space alone. slowly, as the air supply ran out. maybe quickly if something else in the ship failed. knowing that no one was coming for her. not knowing it was because of a paperwork mix-up. filled with the belief that, whelp, this is the sum of her tiny insignificant life.

it isn’t

[dork-empress]

Coran & Everyone Bed Time Stories

The Last Installment of my Voltron Bed Time Stories Oneshot Collection

Read on Ao3

Coran cares for all the children at the pre-school, figuring out a way to keep them quiet.

I can’t believe it’s been 100 chapters! Thank you so much for reading and hopefully enjoying. I may add more at some point if I am inspired, but like I said, I’m moving onto a new project for warm-up writing. Farewell!

“Lance, no!” Coran said chasing the toddler down, “do not pull on Keith’s hair! Keith, remember, use your words!”

Like he couldn’t hear Coran, Keith’s lips pulled back in a snarl, like a wild animal, and charged down Lance who fled with a squeal.

Coran went to follow them, but was weighed down around his foot. “Hunk, please, would you let go of my leg?”

Hunk whined a little, thumb in his mouth, but slowly, his hand unclenched around Coran’s pant leg.

Luckily Lance was easy to distract, and Keith easy to spur with competition, “why don’t you each draw me your best depiction of a...a lion,” that could work, they had paper plates that would do well as masks.

“I call the blue crayon!” Lance said, going to work.

“Lions aren’t blue,” Keith said, nose scrunched up like the very idea of the lack of reality offended him.

“Mine is,” Lance said decidedly.

Keith apparently decided that meant his lion should be red, but by that point, Coran was pulled to another crisis. “Pidge, no,” he said, “that’s not a toy.” He picked her up, something he rarely did, but he didn’t want her mixed up with all the wires and such beneath his computer.

She squealed, upset, punching out with tiny fists, but it didn’t hurt. “Pidge, come on, you know better. Why don’t you go play with your older brother?”

He dragged her over to the ‘big kid’ table, for the children nearly ready for kindergarten. Maturely, Matt, Adam, Veronica, and Shiro sat, gossiping about their favorite cartoons and trading gummy worms. “Matt,” Coran said, “would you mind caring for your sister?”

“Ew no,” Matt said, “She’s gross!”

Pidge started wailing, more proving his point than protesting it, snot dripping out of her like a faucet. “Just, hold her for a minute, please,” Coran begged, distracted by a fight that was brewing behind them.

Zethrid had pinned James Griffin to the play mat, and their friends were either screaming at them to stop, or encouraging them to win, it was hard to tell at a glance who was screaming what. “Alright, enough!” He said, physically tugging the two apart. They were worse than Keith and Lance, those two were friends who just did play fighting. These children intended to hurt one another, as evident by what looked like a bite mark on James arm, and the way Zethrid was holding her eye. “What happened here?”

“James made fun of Lotor’s hair!” Razor cried out, eager to be a tattletale as her long ponytail swung behind her, “we were braiding and he said boys shouldn’t have hair that long!”

“Zethrid jumped on him!” Rizavi countered, “and she bit him and hit him!”

This started another screaming match between the two sets of friends, to what end he doubted any of them knew. “Quiet, Everyone!” He said over the squabbling children. “James, boys can have their hair long like girls if they want to, just like girls can have their hair short. Zethrid, it’s nice to stand up for your friend, but you should come to ME next time, or another trusted adult. Now, both of you, say your sorry.”

James and Zethrid screwed up their faces like he’d ask them to swallow a lemon. “Sorry,” James mumbled.

Zethrid literally growled. Behind her, her friend Narti nudged her. “Sorry,” she muttered, somehow making it sound like a threat.

Coran sighed. “I’m going to give you both a time out for 10 minutes. James, you sit in this corner, Zethrid, you sit in that one over there.”

The children reluctantly went to their corners and Coran sighed in relief. That is, until he felt another tug on his pants. “Mr. Coran,” Rax said, “Hunk stoke my rock!”

Coran found this hard to believe, Hunk was usually one of the best behaved kids in the class. He looked over to where he was playing with Shay and started connecting the pieces. It wasn’t that Hunk had stolen Rax’s rock, he’d stolen his sister.

Coran took Rax’s hand and went over to where the two were calmly going over Shay’s rock collection she brought for show and tell. “Hunk, Shay,” Coran said, “Can Rax play with you two?”

Hunk seemed to consider it, but Shay quickly said “no way! He tries to hoard all the rocks for himself!”

“I do not!” Rax said, “he’s the one who took the rocks!” He pointed aggressively at Hunk.

Hunk swallowed, nervous, “I...I was just looking!” He said, trying to hand the rock back to Shay, but she didn’t take it.

“This is my rocks!” She said, stubborn, “not his!”

“It’s ours!” Rax said, “mommy said you have to share!”

“Children,” Coran said, “why don’t you ALL look at the rocks, there are plenty here for the three of you.” Neither Shay not Rax seemed happy with this, but they accepted it.

Coran left them to their own devices, looking around for the next fire to put out.

Lance had decided he wanted the Red Crayon too, and was trying to steal it. Zethrid’s friends had gathered around her as she sat in time out, shooting James malevolent glances, all five definitely plotting something. James’ friends were gathered around him, no doubt plotting their own defense against the other’s plot. An argument had broken out at the big kids table, over some cartoon, Adam and Shiro vs. Veronica and Matt. Pidge was crying at the noise from their fight, Matt trying to keep her at arms length as much as possible. Shay and Rax were quietly fighting about which rocks Hunk was allowed to hold and which he wasn’t.

He looked to the one child who seemed immune to the chaos. Allura was his favorite student, possibly biased by the fact he was her godfather. But she was honestly just a well behaved and incredibly smart girl, sitting off to the side and reading her book.

Coran collapsed beside her, looking over the chaos brewing. “What am I going to do, Princess,” he asked, using his nickname for her.

She looked up, considering her peers. Leaning over, she whispered into his ear.

Smiling, he nodded, “good idea.”

“Everyone,” he called, “Quiet down, everyone.” Some of them quieted, giving him attention. Close enough. “Everyone grab your nap mats and gather over here, we’re going to have story time!”

Reluctantly, the children made their way to their mats, picking them up and grabbing spot, clustering so they could sit beside their friends.

Finally, they all settled in, Coran sitting on a chair above him. “This is a story about a far away land called...Altea,” he made up on the spot, “Altea was a beautiful land with a great and kind King,” in his minds eye, he imagined his best friend, Alfor, Allura’s father. “The king was friends with a lot of other Kings, from a lot of other lands. One day, he and his King friends were all having dinner together, when a meteor came down to the Earth.

Acxa raised her hand, because she was better behaved than her friend group would lead you to believe. “What’s a meteor?” She asked.

“It’s like a shooting star, that lands in the Earth. The King of Altea was also a scientist, and so used the meteor to build powerful space ships for himself and his friends.”

“Space ships are boring,” Veronica grumped, most likely motivated by her brother’s love of space to automatically hate it.

“Not these spaceships, Coran said, “Because, you see, they were in the shape of—“

“Lions!” Lance called out, waving his blue lion with red scribbles. “And they were blue!”

“Shouldn’t Lions be yellow?” Hunk asked.

“One of them was blue, and one was yellow,” Coran reassured them. Keith looked like he was about to interrupt himself, so he quickly said “and one was Red, too.”

“Geen!” Pidge piped up.

Coran nodded, “Yes, Green too. And…”

“Black,” Shiro said, a grin on his face.

“Sure,” Coran said. “Anyway, the kings used these lion ships to protect their lands, working together to bring peace to the land.”

“And the lions all fused together to create a giant robot!!” Matt said, excitedly.

“Yes, yes they did,” Coran said, depending on his improv training in his youth. “And the robot was called vol...uh, vol….”

“Vol...tron?” Keith suggested hesitantly.

“Yes, Voltron,” Coran smiles at him, “but, one of the kings wanted to use Voltron for evil,” he said, trying to encourage the kids to go ‘oooh,’ his name was…” Coran’s eyes lingered on Lotor, who’s father was Coran’s least favorite parent, always demanding something, “Zarkon,” he said, obscuring the name enough for use.

“Zarkon was married to an evil Queen, who was also a witch, and wanted to use Voltron to drain planets of their power. But the King of Altea wasn’t deterred, and made sure to fight to defend the universe.”

Coran continued his story, telling the adventures of Voltron, and accepting suggestions from his audience. Ryan, one of James friends, was the first to lay down and close his eyes, apparently asleep. One by one, the other children followed, allowing themselves to be lulled by Coran’s voice.

Shiro, Keith, Hunk, Lance, Pidge, and Allura were the only ones to stay up, intrigued by the whole story. He finished with a happy ending, that made them all smile. “Rest now, kiddies,” Coran encouraged, “and know that Voltron is watching over you.”

Lance yawned, pulling Hunk and Keith close, Keith clinging to Shiro, and Pidge snuggled up behind Hunk.”

Allura stayed right by Coran’s feet, “Good night, Coran.” She whispered.

He smiled down at her. “Sleep tight, Princess.”

And the room was quiet.

[drawacharge]

I'm a nuisance so here's a shit ton of questions =/ Cal - 10, 11, 13, 18, 22 / Camilla - 8, 14, 16, 23, 27 /Ant - 7, 9, 20, 24, 29 / Hannah - 2, 4, 15, 26, 39 / Daniel - 5, 13, 15, 22. And also, answer B, D and E for all the characters =] that's all

 god, cindy, you make me & my ocs feel so loved.

so, this is very fucking long, and under a read more because i highly doubt anyone cares except u. but also this was actually very fun so thank u.

( cal ).

what lie do they most frequently remember telling? does it haunt them?

tbh cal’s most frequently spoken lie was probably literally everything he ever said in front of neil. and it absolutely does not haunt him. in fact, he probably smiled as pleasantly as one can when they secretly wish for your death.

how do they cope with confusion?

he definitely seeks clarification, asks you to specify or explain, etc. cal has like no social anxiety lmao. he has no problem speaking his mind.

what color do they think they look best in? do they? 

cal thinks he looks best in soft blues, and yes he absolutely does. however, cal looks great in everything so its not particularly hard to pull off.

what embarrasses them?

little. even when cal is shut down by romantic prospects he takes in pleasant stride. maybe if he like, pissed himself in public he’d be embarrassed, but that’s about it dfgd

how does jealousy manifest itself in them?

cal doesn’t really get jealous. in fact, he’s had girlfriends in the past that took issue with the fact that he doesn’t get jealous. however, cal figures that if you’re with him, its for a reason, so he has no reason to feel jealousy over your interactions with other people.

( camillia ).

what were they told to stop/start doing as a child?

camilla was a destructive ass child so, everything? she had a habit of ripping the heads off her little sisters’ barbies, so there’s that.

what animal do they fear most?

snakes. look, cami is a brave ass bitch. she has, on multiple occasions, offered– 100% sincerely– to go toe-to-toe with billy’s father. but when she sees a snake she’s done. she’ll climb a fucking tree to get away if she has to.

what makes their stomach turn?

neil hargrove & white people food.

how does envy manifest itself in them?

if she’s envious of something she can attain herself ( ie: an accomplishment, life style choice, etc ) it simply gives her motivation to do something about it. nothing motivates camilla more than wanting to be better than someone else lmao. except maybe resentment. 

what causes them to feel dread?

literally any and every time billy, ant, or hannah have to go home ( all three of which were raised within less-than-ideal home lives )

( ant ).

what triggers nostalgia for them? do they enjoy it?

sure. most people enjoy nostalgia, don’t they? i’d say the smell of fish and the sea mixed together since he would go fishing with his father a lot as a kid before he died. so, i guess its sort of a melancholy feeling.

do they swear? do they remember their first swear word?

he probably swears the least out of the group, but yeah, ant swears. his first swear was probably one of the more tame ones, though, like shit.

if they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

jesus christ, ok, uh. he’d say the difference between romantic and platonic is simply that he also wants to fuck his romantic partner lol. like, for instance, he has platonic love for cal, and romantic love for hannah. he could see himself spending the rest of his life with either of them, but he only wants to kiss and hold and romance hannah, not cal.as for familial he’d say it’s platonically loving someone to a point that you feel as if you’ve loved them that way your whole life. he feels this way to most of the group tbh, daniel especially who is his best friend and brother.

is sex something they feel comfortable talking about? to whom?

everyone in this group feels comfortable talking about sex, and all to each other. there ain’t one shy bitch in the bunch when it comes to that.

do they usually live up to their own ideals?

well, he tries. ant is 6′2″ and big. he speaks peace and being passive, however. the day before neil yanked billy from everything he loves and took him across the country, ant lost his cool and slugged the piece of shit across his face.

of course, neil had just put his best friend in the hospital and beat his own son, so, can you blame him?

( hannah ).

how easy is for your character to laugh?

super easy. hannah is very bubbly. she’d probably laugh at one of dustin’s jokes while billy shoots her a disappointed look from across the booth. 

how easy is it to earn their trust?

actually, not easy. hannah is friendly, but she’s not stupid. she’s basically that quots from captain america: winter soldier where nick fury is talking about how his father carried a gun on his walk to work every day, and when he explains why he goes, “my dad liked people, he just didn’t trust them very much” that’s hannah. 

how do they speak? is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

does she have a filter is basically the question i’m guessing. yeah, she does. most of them do except camilla and billy. and cal on occasion.

what is their preferred mode of transportation?

cal’s van lol. hannah hates driving, she doesn’t even have her license. if cal isn’t around to drive her, she just rides her bike.

how easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

depends on the flaw. billy has… issues, we all know this. sometimes he says shit he doesn’t believe, more or less just repeating his father, and she understands, but i don’t think ignoring is the right word. hannah is the mom friend. when billy, or someone else, says something offensive she goes, “hey, watch it,” and then explains like why they shouldn’t say that kind of thing.

believe it or not, calling billy out on his shit is the best way to deal with him. people just usually don’t. 

( daniel ).

how easy is it to earn their mistrust?

daniel is a sweet, good boy, and if you fuck him over he’s probably likely to forgive you. however, if you hurt one of his friends there’s no way in hell he’ll ever trust you again, even if said friend forgives you first.

what color do they think they look best in? do they actually look best in that color?

reds, blacks, and tans. daniel actually looks best in yellow, but he’d rather die than wear yellow, so.

how do they speak? is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

daniel has a great filter and knows how to be polite. he, however, lets it down around billy and would often speak his mind freely since billy was the last person on the planet to ever judge him for whatever he were to say.

how does jealousy manifest itself in them?

probably like. self-esteem issues. he gets edgy, maybe considers that there’s something wrong with him. he’d never show it though, never get pouty with his boyfriend or get snippy. he’d just internalize that shit. 

and now for the bit just for me i guess??

what inspired you to create them?

well, i always figured billy had a friend group in cali he hated leaving behind, and i made daniel first because he was the boy billy had been caught fooling around with by his dad. the others came when i decided to write a jealous!steve fic.

idk, for me it’s important that billy had someone(s) in california, that he wasn’t alone or just playing a role like he is in hawkins. i think it explains his anger towards being ripped away even better.

have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

hm. i think they all started the way they are. i think, maybe briefly, i gave cami the buzz cut, but thought it’d just be too stereotypical for her personality. plus, i loved the idea of sweet, tiny hannah with season one eleven type hair.

are they someone you would get along with? would they get along with you?

hmm. i’d probably get along with all of them, but i’d probably still butt heads with camilla, just like i know i’d butt heads with billy if he was real. actually, if billy was real, we’d probably physically fight each other, but you call me billy anyway so no one is surprised.

also if hannah tried to mom me and chastise me too much i might hit her lmao.

[hollyguelchi]

Bibliography

Red Planet. (2000). [film] Directed by A. Hoffman. Australia/USA: Warner Bros. Written by Chuck Pfarrer (story), Chuck Pfarrer (screen play) | Jonathan Lemkin (screen play) | Timothy Pyle (special effects illustrator/animator)

 I needed to get some inspiration for my planet designs, so I started to watch some space films, are films that had a space/planet part within them like my main source Red Planet, Fantastic Four etc. The effects are just so real and life like I wanted to know some of the artists which took part in these. So I began to look into there special effects animators. Which is where I came across Timothy Pyle. He featured in the two films mentioned above. Once reading about him, he is mainly uncredited for most films but mainly known for his very intricate detailed space work for NASA. He is one of the main Science and Art Illustrators working for this world wide known company. He has a majorly important job in teaching us what the world above looks like. Because of him, all our visions of space come from his imagination.

However, watching this film, taught me of all the planets details that I may not have thought of. Like surface, colouring and just the main properties a planet needs to make it up. However, I know this isn’t a proper source to go by because once again the effects are all made up, but I figured going off of a proper, professional NASA illustrator is the most reliable out of all the artists, because he’s used to basing NASA’s official images off proper scientifically correct facts. But people could still argue that there not everyone’s representations of space, and that everyone could come up with more ideas of space if given the precise evidence of the findings found of planets.

Not only did this film teach me about the planets forms, it taught me about the surrounding areas. The big black space, stars, rocks and asteroids all within the gaps between the planets all take their own personal roles in how the lightening and shading lie on the planets, also making sure to remember the movements of the planets. Its important to make sure it is all believable because there will be critics out there ready to criticize the work.

Given that this film was made 18 years ago, the technology and equipment was not advanced as it is now, so comparing this movie, to the most recent movies, you can gather changes and start to fill in where the missing blanks are and start to gage more details in which must have been discovered between the years.

 After reading many reviews on this film, there are many very bad reviews to do with the acting and storyline, but all positive views on the effects and views. Which is why I chose to have this film as one of my reliable sources for my work, it may not be a stable, solid piece of evidence, but its one of the closet I could get.

     [Online Article] “NASA has discovered 7 Earth-like planets orbiting a star just 40 light-years away Website title: Vox” URL: https://www.vox.com/2017/2/22/14698030/nasa-seven-exoplanet-discovery-trappist-1 Updated by Brian Resnick@B_resnickbrian@vox.com Feb 22, 2017, 1:58pm

This is a website I have recently used to try and understand Exoplanets. No matter how much information you can read, you wont really ever fully understand what they are, what they do, why we need them or why there so important. One thing that is clear is that the naming system for the Exoplanets is impossible to follow. But this website has given the correct rules the scientists follow, I have tried many times to name my own exoplanets for my work, but it just proves how difficult it is to fully understand.

 This article teaches the first step in finding “life” out of our own planet and or solar system, it is to discover a “small and rocky” planet, very much similar to our own planet, Earth. It is also to be known that you must look for the planet to be the right distance away from the star, that liquids, such as water could possibly exists on its surface. Which would explain my question earlier about their importance.

 On 22nd February, NASA made a very exciting announcement, that the space agency, with other space partners all the way around the world, has found, which they believe to be seven planets. Potentially to be planet Earth like, found 40 light-years away orbiting a star. It is expected to be suitable for life.

 “It’s the first time that so many planets of this kind are found around a same star,” Michaël Gillon, the lead author of the Nature paper announcing the discovery, said in a press conference. “The seven planets … could have some liquid water and maybe life on the surface.”

This information helped me in designing my own planets, in which I took colour into consideration, blue to represent water etc. Obviously we will never really know what everything looks like up there, and mostly everything that we do see all over social media is more than likely fake and made up anyway, even though they will be based on facts and existing information. So in the meantime, we must use our imaginations to fill in the gaps, which is what I have chosen to do for my work. I have decided to make my own discovery of planets, based up on reading this article. This online article is an exciting piece of text which could be inspiring to most artists who are Space based so they can apply this information within their work practice. It teaches that Exoplanets have an amazing statistic record, of 3,558 Exoplanets that have actually been confirmed, 4,496 candidates, 881 terrestrial planets and that we have 2,650 solar systems. Which is honestly mind blowing, considering I alone only thought that it was our solar system which was the only existing one known of.

     Written by Adam Mann [Online article] ‘The Art and Sciemce of  NASA’s Best Exoplanet Illustrations” https://www.wired.com/2014/05/artist-rendering-exoplanets/ Website WIRED and owner Condè Nast

Upon reading this article, it made me realize the importance of managing to create illustrations of these planets when we don’t actually have a clue what they look like. How hard it is to master the combination of something that’s beautiful, realistic and scientifically accurate. Whilst not copying any other already existing images from artists, that have taken there own imaginative of past planets. To show the public something original, something that they’ve never seen before. Something that will make them wonder into the thought of the word Space.

“We’re in the job of telling a story with these pictures,” said visualization scientist Robert Hurt of Caltech, who works with NASA to make exoplanet renderings. “The science visualization process is always starting with one or two data points and trying to make an engaging illustration.” Its an idea of telling a story through photos. As some people find it hard to imagine what’s up there, and we will most likely never 100% know, its exciting to put something out there that people will start to gage and piece together what space is actually like, based on real life facts/discoveries.

This article challenges and combines the facts of science and the art of imagination, it just goes to show the importance of combining the two and how powerful it can be, to put an impression on the world. Until starting this project, I never did realize just how much of the scientific photography you actually see are all fakes. I would just assume that in this day and age we would have the technology to capture something like that. People are just too taken back by the density of the photography to even question it. This article is very helpful in learning about illustration and the reasons behind, but it isn’t the most reliable source, because obviously the artists can only go off as little truths as they can. Its more 30% evidence and 70% imagination.

A professional Illustrator, who works for NASA, called Robert Hurt said “color is a powerful part of the artists’ storytelling toolkit, and the closer the overall palette matches Earth’s, the more Earth-like the world is implied to be. Painting an exoplanet’s oceans, the same cobalt blue of our own world will make a viewer naturally feel that it's more like home, while lighter or darker blue shades could imply exoticness.”

From this article you will also learn that for a realistic shot, its not just about the colour. Its about how the planets are positioned, how light is reflected and how the shadow falls. Because if it doesn’t all line up, its not scientifically correct. In this article it begins to explain how most artists use a planet, with the stars light glowing on the opposite side. When in real life it would make that side of the planet appear to be in the pitch black, with very little daylight.

    REFERENCES

 1)          Theawakenedstatenet. 2014. The Awakened State. [Online Blog]. [15 December 2017]. Available from: https://theawakenedstate.net/shooting-stars/ Written by Ashley. In-text citation: (Theawakenedstatenet, 2014)

 2)          [Online Article] “NASA has discovered 7 Earth-like planets orbiting a star just 40 light-years away Website title: Vox” URL: https://www.vox.com/2017/2/22/14698030/nasa-seven-exoplanet-discovery-trappist-1 Updated by Brian Resnick@B_resnickbrian@vox.com Feb 22, 2017, 1:58pm

 3)          Written by Adam Mann [Online article] ‘The Art and Sciemce of NASA’s Best Exoplanet Illustrations” https://www.wired.com/2014/05/artist-rendering-exoplanets/ Website WIRED and owner Condè Nast

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week forty-one

18.10.1997 20.10.2007 21.10.2017

10.18.1997

42) "If I Could Teach the World," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

OK I'm just, I know I should be doing more than pointing at the lyrics page and going "haha you believe this shit," but like "How many mo days on this old earth can you see/It's a crime to me/So we should get ready for Armageddon/'Cuz I know God should be ready to roll and do away with the wickedest shit like Mr. Police Man" ...like legitimately what. Bone Thugs is worried that everyone is too evil and God is going to END THE WORLD AT ANY MINUTE, and "that's why [they] get high." I have no idea what this song is or what Bone Thugs' belief system is. This song is so weird. "How can I say this, if we can, no more murder." I JUST WANNA SAY: I AM ANTI-MURDER. Unless you like really have to. I mean, if you can not murder, that'd be super cool! But I guess if you absolutely have to murder, that's okay. I can be fine with it. No, no, really, I'm fine if you want to murder! I just like it when people don't murder, but if you need to murder, you need to murder, and, y'know, that's just what you're gonna do.

55) "Sock it 2 Me," by Missy Elliott ft./Da Brat

this is fine, why did i decide to write two posts back to back, this is no way to listen to music, this was already a bad way to listen to missy, there's shit she's probably doing that requires either headphones or better speakers, i mean i'm consuming music badly and then offering bad opinions which is sort of the reason why i stopped doing this for a bit, like what even is this paragraph, this is self-reflection not music words, and this is music which deserves words to be written about it. i don't know what i'm doing. it's one am and i'm on the return of jafar imdb page. eleven whole entire people wrote return of jafar, which means eleven people all sat in a room convincing each other they were doing good work. how come i don't have ten other people on this thing. it'd still be bad but there'd be voices telling me it was good. thank you for making music, missy elliott, i don't know why i didn't listen to it.

76) "So Help Me, Girl," by Gary Barlow

i wonder if gary barlow realizes he's the last person named Gary to have a hit on the billboard hot 100. ...i shouldn't make that assumption, there's gotta be at least 12 country garys looking to break through, but it's just nuts that in my lifetime dudes named Gary -- GARY -- were trying to be heartthrob pop stars. this dude wouldn't be in Tiger Beat, but he was definitely in like Panther Groove or whatever cheap knock-off your dad bought you from the newsstand because he knew there was a cat involved with that magazine you liked what with all the boys and such. there was an interview with the dude from boy meets world who played the main character's brother's roommate in that issue of Panther Groove. this song was four and a half minutes long and i have stern words for whoever made this a thing my life had to encounter.

89) "One More Night," by Amber

hey guess what: dance music? still horrible. still so so very bad. still nothing i ever wanted to listen to but these are the choices i've made and this is the thing i wanted to pursue and it's on me to reflect on the mistakes i've made.

92) "You're the Inspiration," by Peter Cetera ft./Az Yet

...you know how sometimes you're on the bus, and some gross person will sit next to you for three seconds before they turn their head a little bit and see that there's open seats in the back, and you're like "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with Clearly A Smoker Jones anymore" and then some fucking even grosser person takes that seat? this is how i feel right now. i miss dance music right now. DANCE MUSIC.

93) "The Rest of Mine," by Trace Adkins

I NEVER THOUGHT DANCE MUSIC WOULD SOUND SO GOOD BUT THEN 1997 FOLLOWED UP "IDOL GIVES BACK"-LEVEL BALLAD WITH SLOW-ASS COUNTRY BULLSHIT AND NOW I HATE THAT I MISS DANCE MUSIC. 1997 you are the least trash year i am considering, and this week is why i have to say "least trash" instead of "best."

10.20.2007

55) "Blue Magic," Jay-Z

This is a microwaved Jay-Z leftover, one of many songs about how Jay-Z used to sell coke but now sells CDs, from the soundtrack of a movie about gangsters which seems like it should be much better than it is. This will probably be the week's best song. This week is horrible.

72) "Soulja Girl," Soulja Boy Tell'em ft./I-15

Life is a miracle. The fact that you and I are communicating, are engaged in a transaction of ideas, me having written these words and you reading these words, is only possible because of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies this is the one close enough to the star it orbits to feel its heat but not so close that it isn't just always on fire which allowed tiny organisms to form and grow and grow and grow and grow and we discovered the tones which pleased us and rhythms which soothed us and we tasked some of the large organisms to create these noises and one such organism was Soulja Boy Tell'em and life is a miracle.

97) "Into the Night," Santana ft./Chad Kroeger

how has nickelback not gone country yet? i just realized nickelback is eventually going to make a country album and now that i've made this realization i'm stunned that it is only at this point hypothetical. like, nickelback is absolutely just gonna add a fiddle to "photograph" and have a top-ten hit for big machine. anyway, hey guess what, chad kroeger is completely unconvincing singing a song about having a fun night with a woman. his voice turns this song into a dirge because all he knows is misery. this song is what it sounds like when sean penn tries to tell a knock-knock joke. ...i guess sean penn telling a knock-knock joke would sound more like sean penn's voice than this song, but you know what i mean.

98) "Everybody," Keith Urban

every day keith urban wakes up and sees a man named Geoff whose job for the last seventeen years has been to shave Keith Urban's face so that he always maintains a consistent level of just-woke-up stubble. Geoff's daughter just graduated from college last summer, the first member of either side of Geoff's family to do so, and Geoff is so insanely proud of his Addison for taking advantage of the opportunities he's worked so hard to create for her. Keith Urban is hot and as a not-hot person this makes me angry, is what I'm trying to say.

99) "What Do Ya Think About That," Montgomery Gentry

the thumbnail for this song is a dude in a camo cowboy hat. at one point montgomery gentry snarls that he "shot a little eight ball down at the pool hall" and i know this is a song about how monty doesn't care what other people think but i really think he could have phrased that lyric in a way that didn't sound like he does heroin in public. like i always assumed when country dudes talked about horse riding, they were relaying cowboy fantasies, but i guess i was looking at the culture completely wrong?

10.21.2017

68) "Hi Bich," Bhad Bhabie

I watched gameplay of Getting Over It recently. In Getting Over It, near the end of the game, there is a snake. Near the snake, there is a sign which says "Do Not Ride the Snake," and the narrator tells you not to ride the snake. So the player knows, without a doubt, that if they ride the snake, they are taken to the beginning of the game and will have to replay the entire frustrating thing. So if you know that riding the snake is only going to bring you disappointment and sadness, why would you ride the snake? I'm not listening to this fucking song and you can't make me.

74) "No Promises," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie 75) "Say A'," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie 84) "Undefeated," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./21 Savage 86) "Beast Mode," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./PnB Rock * NBA YoungBoy

I was prepared to just write "I know I listened to four songs because I clicked four links, but I swear, I just listened to one twelve-minute-long song," but shot outs to "Say A'" for being "I Spy"-level jaunty! It's not as free-spirited and fun as "I Spy," little in life is, but man, I was relieved to hear a jaunty piano, and the hook is pretty inspired. Like, he knows any run-in with a cop could be his last, so when he gets off with a warning, he's just like, "Fuck it. We did it! Doesn't mean it can't happen, but hey! Look at that!" The other songs are pretty boilerplate, but I'm intrigued in what this dude can do if he's got "Say A'" in him.

98) "Smooth," Florida Georgia Line

Man, this is not a hot one. This is a lazy joke, yes, but look at what I'm dealing with. If they don't have to try, why should I, y'know?

Who won the week?

Somehow, 2017. It helps that I’m just pretending Bhad Bhabie isn’t a thing, but like if we’re being real “Say A’” is the only song in this batch worth acknowledging, and worthless as Florida Georgie Line is, they’re not Nickelback.

Current standings 1997: 15 2007: 12 2017: 14 Yo, 2007 might actually be a legit contender next week! That’ll be fun!