#anyway. bpd mike

[androcola]

DONT GET ANGRY DONT ABANDON ME DONT GO ANYWHERE

[transautisticmikewheeler]

@bylerweek2025 || day 7: rose gold, feat. ending with a bang using "engagement rings"! i wanted to write for this one, so enjoy! (divider by @cafekitsune )

Mike's body seems spring-loaded almost, bouncing in place, his anxiety almost as clear as the fact that he's planning something even after this reveal. Lips quirking, Will entertains the idea of stopping the bouncing given Mike's proclivity to joint pain, but it almost concerns him how Mike might be unable to let go of that energy otherwise. Either way, the almost... puppy-like energy he's giving is as endearing now at 40 as it ever has been.

The room around them is softly lit, fairy lights strung up illuminating the cream walls and the bed their little picnic is spread over, rose petals scattered because Mike could never pass up a chance at being dramatic- no matter how much he called it just romantic, it really is both.

Will can't help the giddiness he feels in his own chest, cheeks warm as he looks over everything.

When Mike had told him about his picnic idea, he hadn't been against it, and seeing it now... it's breathtaking, the amount of work even just in the food made him feel special, not that Mike Wheeler grinning beside him with tinted cheeks even knew how to half-ass anything, especially concerning the both of them and their relationship.

He entertains the thought of teasing Mike for all of this for only half a second, but he decides not to, turning his head to look at him, Mike tilting his head as if to non-verbally ask his thoughts. Will smiles, a bit embarrassed, but certainly flustered.

"It's... amazing, Mike, I love it," he praises, giggling as Mike grabs his hand, pulling him over to the bed, giving Will a better look at all the things on the blanket, a new one it looks like.

There were small sandwiches, varied meats and cheeses on them and even ones with peanut butter and jelly, Will glancing up at him with an amused look as he stutters out his explanation for everything.

"I just kind of picked what we both like the most, I know you still like peanut butter and jelly even if you think it's childish and never eat it unless you're alone. The, uh, pretzels I made myself by melting chocolate with this tutorial I found online and strawberries are basically super romantic, so I had to add those and-" he rambles before getting cut off.

"Mike," Will interrupts, feeling terribly fond of the man in front of him, then pulls him in, melting into a kiss that they extend way further than is any kind of appropriate otherwise. Pulling away, Will smiles looking up at him, hand moving to hold his face, soft as he looks at Mike's own lovesick expression. "Thank you."

Mike grins wider, a giggle bursting from both of them as they put their foreheads together.

"I do have one surprise, though," Mike murmurs, his hands moving down Will's sides to rest on his waist. "You'd have to close your eyes."

Will feels a shiver go down his spine. "Really?"

"Mhm. Trust me?"

Will pulls back. "As if I couldn't," he teases, but steps back, closing his eyes, laughing as Mike guides his hands over them. "Mike! Just do what you're about to do."

"Okay! Okay. Just... don't make fun of me, alright?"

Will snorts. "That's just asking me to," he teases. "But I won't."

He can hear the sound of rummaging around, drawers being opened and some muttering before he hears the springs of the bed dip, Mike giving him the okay. Now seeing again, a loud gasp tears from his throat, tears immediately welling up in the corners of his eyes.

Understandably, Mike hadn't been able to get on a knee, but he'd sat on on the edge of the bed, a box in his hands, open, offering it and the thin band inside. His eyebrows are raised, hopeful, a shy smile like Will hasn't seen in a while there, too. "I, uh, I'm sure you've read the news lately."

Will had.

New York had recently legalized gay marriage only days ago.

With that, Will bursts into happy tears, Mike visibly panicking as he rushes forward. Wiping his eyes, Will reassures him. "I'm okay! I'm okay, I just... never imagined this was something we'd get," he explains, voice wobbly. Arms wrap around him. "I love this and I love you and it's a definite yes, oh my god..."

The arms squeeze tighter around him, Mike's own voice sounding emotional. "God, I love you, too, Will, and even if we couldn't I'd spend the rest of my life with you," he says, sending Will back to tears. "You're never getting away from me again. Not ever. You go, I go."

The engagement band sits perfectly on his finger.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for having a foursome without my partner while in a committed relationship?

I, 18f, am in a relationship with my partner who I will call Mike, 21m. Our relationship started in January when we meet on a hookup sight, and we liked the hookup enough to keep seeing each other and then we developed feelings. I'm from a pretty rural place and therefore the pickings of good men are slim so it felt like I hit the jackpot when I met Mike cause he was funny and didn't pressure me sexually and could actually make me cum.

But as our relationship became more serious I noticed things that were bothering me like how he's hardly on his phone so he doesn't text me back for anywhere from 2 to over 24 hours at a time.

He also in the beginning wasn't very good at communicating which lead me to not knowing what he wants from our relationship. He also wouldn't tell me he couldn't make plans until right before, or even after, the plans were meant to start. This happened often because he doesn't tell his parents that he has other plans when they ask him to do something (he still lives with his parents) and it even happened a couple times with his friends.

This is a slightly big issue to me because I have trauma based abandonment issues and BPD, and I will get upset and have an episode. Obviously it's not his fault I have these episodes and he's not causing them on purpose, but having episodes that often was negatively effecting my mental health.

My best friend Ken and roommate, 18n, and our two other friends, Julian, 18n, and Mac, 20n, had to witness the toll these episodes had on my mental health as I grew more depressed and anxious during the 5 months I allowed this to happen. They continuously encouraged me to either speak to him about his behavior or break up and I ended up talking to him and his behavior seemed to get better. (For context I only can see him about once a week because he has a job with long hours and works on his dad's farm on top of that)

Around this time my friends starting having threesomes together (Mac and Julian are ex fuck buddies and Mac and Ken are engaged) and they kept making jokes about how it should be a foursome/I should join then.

I brought these jokes up to Mike one of the times he was going to hang out with my friends incase made the joke in front of him as i didn't want him to go in unprepared. He said I should just "have sex with them to get the joke to stop" and I was like "??? We agreed to be exclusive, that would be cheating. Also if I wanted them to stop I could just ask" and he was like "yeah I guess but I still think you should just have sex with them. Just do it" I changed the subject cause I couldn't tell if he was joking and it made me uncomfortable.

I told my friends later when we were alone and they told me that was him giving me the go to have sex with them.

So I did, even though I held some reservations that he might have been jokinh. I had a foursome with them, and as I am the photographer of the group, took lots of photos and pictures and even sent the photos and pictures to the groupchat we share so the others could have them.

Then after it ended I started to second guess myself and deleted all the photos from my phone and texted Mike that I really needed to talk to him, like sooner then we usually would (since I had just seen him typically I wouldn't see him until next week). I felt gross like I had cheated, which is something I have always vehemently been against, and betrayed Mike's trust as we're in a committed relationship. I admitted these feelings to my friends and they said it wasn't cheating cause he told me too and even if he hadn't he was still horrible to me and he deserved it.

Only the last part made me feel even worse cause I don't believe anyone deserves to be cheated on.

I ended up telling Mike everything and he told me that it wasnt cheating because I "was basically just a promoted camera man" and that he had told me to do it anyway. But them he started making jokes about it. Like if I asked if he wanted to watch a show, he'd say "I don't watch TV shows with dirty cheaters" or things like "oh yeah, Mac, your other boyfriend" or "yeah i know how close you and Ken are" and just generally seems to get quieter when i bring up those three friends. I would originally think the comments were teasing as he's a playful guy but he started to say it enough that I can't tell if there's actually truth to it and a part of him thinks I'm a cheater, or all of him thinks I'm a cheater and he's lying that he's fine about it to not hurt my feelings/ruin our relationship.

Every time I voice my feelings to my friends (even the ones I didn't have sex with) they tell me that I'm not in the wrong but I feel like I definitely am in the wrong and a cheater, and I think that Mike might feel that way too. So I've come to Tumblr to look for unbiased options on whether or not I am and asshole and a cheater for having a foursome while in a committed relationship?

What are these acronyms?

[mountainashes]

Ok so I'm just gonna do 1 final hc post abt the rest of the characters. Bc yea

Matthew Taylor

He likes sports but he does actually try to engage with his friend's hobbies- e.g going shopping with Em and Jess, and he's definitely sat and listened to Mike rant abt politics or sth before. Hannah's bugs made him get over any fear he had of insects.

He's very patient and friendly but when he gets mad he gets MAD. (we see that in game anyway tho tbh).

Ashley often helps him with homework.

He has ADHD.

He has a younger sister.

He has pet guinea pigs that he loves and Jess always jokes she only hangs out with him for them.

He's pansexual.

He's had a tiny little crush on Josh before.

He was decent friends with Mike before everything.

Even after him and Em break up he stays as a close friend of hers.

He's a bit of a pushover.

Michael Munroe (I'll be as nice to him as I can).

After UD he develops a fascination with wolves.

He's not actually as well-off as some of the other kids in the group, and he's sort of insecure about it which led to him putting up his whole confident guy charade which evolved into him being a massive dickhead.

His mother passed away when he was young and his Dad is an asshole. He spends most of his time out of his own house and his own bedroom is quite empty.

He scares quite easily and when he's alone he often ends up talking to himself just so there's a distraction.

When he's alone his whole persona comes crashing down. Part of why he fears isolation.

He has ADD, and he also has narcisstic traits.

He's also autistic but thats more me and my friend projecting when we write him lol.

He's pretty smart in the subjects he likes but he lacks common sense and does lots of dumb things.

He lived in Florida until he was 14.

He's demiromantic bisexual.

He needs to feel useful or he gets quite upset. This often ends up with him taking on the sort of 'leader' role in the group.

He tends to clash with Josh a lot, and Beth.

Christopher Hartley

He's not a massive fan of animals. He's either scared of them or complains about them being dirty/diseased.

He's trans.

He isn't into doing sports but he is surprisingly strong.

He's autistic.

He knows basically everything about technology and fuck all about anything else.

He did not pay attention in most of his subjects and then would end up going to Ashley for help and she'd scold him.

When he was young and first met Josh's sisters he was just. Amazed by the fact Hannah was allowed to be a girl.

He had a short-lived crush on Hannah as a kid. And it was mostly envy.

When he was a kid he had long hair, which he complained about until he got a 'compromise' with sort of medium hair length. When he was 15 he chopped it all off himself and has had it short ever since. (he was also in so much trouble).

He has quiet bpd. (this is sort of projection ignore me pls. I have my reasons I am not going to explain them here).

He's biromantic demisexual.

He's pretty much always had a massive crush on Josh that he barely realised.

He's generally just kind of a disaster bi.

He's very quick to get defensive and upset.

He tends to go way too far with pranks and the only people who can ever really reel him back in are Josh and Ashley.

[prismatoxic]

this is going to be a very long and very personal post, but i've been thinking about it for a while. it's about my old FP i mention sometimes.

it's almost 4k words long, so. be prepared for that.

i got this question on retrospring a few days after paris blew up on me.

it is a very innocuous message. probably from a friend, maybe from a stranger; i won't know unless they tell me. it's the last question i ever answered on retrospring, though i have gotten harassment since that i did not answer, forcing me to shut off anonymous messages.

the exact timestamp is Sunday, May 29th. the last time paris messaged me was Tuesday, May 24th. i had to go into our old server to find that date. i don't have a good memory, but i also hate to look at anything from their old account. so, the message on retrospring: a seemingly insignificant event, but dated so close to the breakdown that is serves as a much more accessible reminder of how long it's been.

"about 1 year ago" is the immediately visible timestamp on the message.

2 years ago, paris was my best friend.

though, thinking about it, maybe that isn't true. it isn't what i called them. mikee is my best friend. i have never wanted to dethrone them from that spot. that term is special to me. (see, now, why my earlier post mocked myself wanting to be everyone's best friend? i won't even use the title for more than 2 people.)

no, i called paris my "queerplatonic partner" or my "platonic soulmate". qpp, usually. in hindsight it is so blatantly clear that i was obsessed, that i was attached in such an unhealthy way; i did not recognize myself as having BPD at the time. so, in the end, paris was not my qpp, nor any manner of soulmate. they were my "FP", or Favorite Person: a BPD term i would say is akin to "hyperfixation", but on someone you personally know.

i don't want to openly pass judgement on paris here, because that's not why i'm writing this. they're long gone and goading people to be as upset as i am serves no purpose. however, i will say this: they encouraged my behavior. my obsession. i believed, in a sense, that the pedestal i had put them on was in some way parallel to the one they had me on.

there was no pedestal under me, though.

paris and i met sometime in September of 2020. potentially on the 15th, as that is when i created our roleplay server. it was in a proship fandom server for a website i used to moderate. (i don't know if that site is ever going to manage to get finished, now, but i still have hope.) having just gotten very into souyo, i was hunting for roleplay partners, and said as much in some channel or another. paris, at the time, was playing P4G for the very first time. we got to talking. i made our roleplay server, and for two years, we would only ever talk therein.

today, there are 77 threads in that server for different roleplay plots. some are very long; others, very short. i was (and am) unable to focus on any one thing for any real length of time, but paris was accommodating. they were happy to do new plots as i came up with them, and they pitched their own from time to time. most of them are souyo; a handful are for our bancho triplet au; there are some akeshus, and one or two banpegos. we came up with a lot of ideas. a lot of aus. sometimes we'd redo an idea; sometimes we'd branch off from something we'd done before.

we roleplayed every day. i knew their schedule and they knew mine. our responses were quick and snappy, and if we couldn't keep up, we'd talk about it. we talked A LOT. very rarely on the phone or VC, usually in text. they do not live in the US, but we exchanged numbers anyway. we talked so much and so often that it drowned a lot of my other relationships out; i can be very single-minded in my obsessions. i almost lost several people.

i almost lost the love of my life.

in the summer of 2021, paris was taking a trip to the united states to get vaccinated for Covid, and they made plans to stop and see multiple people. in between other plans, they made just enough time to see me for 3 days. they were seeing their older friends for much longer, but i didn't question it, i didn't worry. i was so sure that i was so special to paris. i trusted them so much that the fact that they refused to allow me to interact with their core friend group just bounced right off of me.

in retrospect? ouch.

the visit was fine. paris finally convinced me that i was allowed to be disabled, that i was allowed to rely on support like the electric carts at stores and stuff. they had clashed with devot in the past, but the two of them got along fine for the visit. i was so thrilled; my two most important people, getting along? what could be better? the three of us had lunch and went to ikea. then i hung out at paris's hotel the other two days.

even when they were visiting their other friends, we were talking near-constantly. at some point, my obsession reached a very unfortunate peak, and i decided that if i was that obsessed, clearly i was in love with them. they were (and are, presumably) polyamorous, and i thought maybe i was too.

this isn't a part i want to talk about very much, because it's humiliating and painful. i tried to negotiate an open relationship with devot, and as a result, i almost lost him entirely. it was a very hard time for us, and it made me realize that i loved him way more than i could ever love someone else, even paris. if pursuing paris meant i would lose devot, then i simply wouldn't pursue paris. it wasn't until later that i would truly recognize that it was never romantic love; it was obsession, a need to be a bigger aspect of their life than i was.

paris knew my intentions and knew my ultimate decision. however that made them feel, i can't say. i don't know.

you see, towards the tail end of their trip, they suffered a familial tragedy and their return home was delayed. (or maybe they did make it home, but not for very long? my memory is fuzzy and i absolutely do not want to comb through our server to find it.) their family was in the US and that's where they needed to be for a while. i don't want to go into more detail than that; it was a very personal time for them. we did not talk a lot during it. they said, "i can't carry you right now".

maybe that was a clue as to how they viewed our relationship. i don't know. i assured them i wasn't asking for that, that i could carry them, but all the same they needed their space and i gave it to them. i had permission to send messages with the understanding that there would be no response, so i did.

in lamenting my mental state during all this, jesse (you may recall him being a best friend) suggested to me that maybe i possibly, perhaps, had BPD. he explained it to me and may have also directed me to some sources. it was eye-opening. it forced me to confront my actions and alter my behavior in ways i never realized i needed to do. in terms of paris, however, it came too little, too late.

this part of the story i have told before; i mean, i've told it all before, but i think i was more descriptive at this point. as paris recovered from the tragedy and began returning to normal life, they did so increasingly without me.

conversations in our server were short and uneventful. they were not up to roleplay, which i understood; i searched for other ways for us to connect.

they abandoned their persona 4 twitter and made a new one. they claimed persona 4 had become a trigger. i don't know why, and they never explained. it seemed that the biggest connection we had was now in the past, but i was so deeply, wholeheartedly invested in our relationship that i didn't let it get me down... too much.

the thing about the decline of our relationship is that it was not all at once. it was an accumulation of things, increasingly large signs that they were done with me. the persona 4 abandonment was one of those signs. another, how they were publicly interacting with their older friends, but no longer with me. yet another; they got into no man's sky, but when i finally got my hands on a copy to play with them, they stopped playing. or maybe they just stopped posting about it.

they did not post in our server unless i prompted them first. they did speak in our server with our mutual friend priam, but... just to talk to priam. ask them for advice on the french language, mostly, for a novel they had started to write. anything i said was quickly glossed over (not by priam, though; priam and i are still friends and i love him dearly).

this went on for 7 months.

i know that figure because just before i purged my vent twitter, i went back to the very first post i'd made about the situation. i posted a lot about it... almost every day. i also cried almost every day. i was trying to take it in stride, at least publicly, but in private i was falling apart. paris, who used to like every post on my vent twitter to let me know they were reading them, had stopped doing so. they also never asked me about any of the posts, which they used to do. at some point i figured they had most likely muted my account.

it doesn't feel like it was 7 months. it feels like it was much shorter. how could i have been in so much emotional pain for 7 whole months? i know i was hiding it from everyone as best i could, i didn't even tell my therapist; how could i have done so for so long? but my vent twitter proved the timeline. 7 months.

devot's not blind, of course. he knew something was up. i very rarely told him anything about paris, a point of contention between us. i knew he didn't like them. i didn't want to make it worse. however, i am nothing if not a paper-thin pane of glass when it comes to the phrase, "are you okay?", and eventually i had to tell him why i was so depressed.

he didn't know how to help. the only thing he could do was provide me with the matches; i had to burn the bridge myself.

he told me, early on in my relationship with paris, that they had told him something. (i didn't know they'd spoken outside of my personal server at all.) they told him that my obsession with them wouldn't last, that eventually i would find another interest and move on.

it was a gut-punch. our relationship meant everything to me, but they only saw me as an obsessed little fanboy, at least at the time. and it felt ironic, because they had moved on from me, not the other way around.

paris was (and presumably is) very serious about the privacy of 1 on 1 conversations. they never ever divulged things that happened between them and someone else that seemed in any way "personal." they expected this of others, as well; they told devot what they said in confidence. of course, his loyalties lie with me and absolutely not with them, so he told me anyway.

now, let's step back, for a moment. i want to try and paint a picture of what it was like being in my shoes.

i trusted paris. everything they had ever said to me was taken at face-value and believed. they had proven to me (or so i thought) that they always spoke their mind, were honest, and cared about me very deeply. i trusted them to tell me if something was wrong. in those 7 months, i asked them directly if anything was bad between us. they assured me we were fine. all the while, i knew they were hanging out with their older (real?) friends and generally ignoring me. i knew they had come to loathe the media that brought us together. i knew that they didn't want to play games with me, even their supposed favorite game.

i knew that they were shutting me out.

but paris never communicated this. they were visibly moving on without me, but i trusted them so much that i willfully turned a blind eye to it, waiting for the day they'd be "ready" to talk to me again. then devot told me about what they'd said, and finally, i started to split.

splitting is another BPD term, though it has its uses in general psychology as well. it is primarily a defense mechanism, mostly against The Big BPD Fear, abandonment. splitting is to see a situation and black and white and take a side. there was no longer nuance to the situation; there was paris is my friend, or paris is my enemy.

i was reluctant to let it happen. i resisted it. splitting and my natural empathy are extremely at odds with one another; i tried to convince my brain that paris was still my friend, that there were reasons for all of this. these were conscious thoughts, but the split was not a conscious choice.

i resented paris. either they apologized to me, and fixed things, or they didn't and that was that, it was over. very new to the concept that these were unproductive thoughts, i didn't know how to combat them.

i made a tweet on my vent twitter.

as i said earlier, i had come to assume that paris had simply muted my vent twitter; they had gone through so much, clearly they couldn't carry me, as they said... so i made a vague tweet that wasn't really vague, assuming they probably wouldn't see it anyway.

to paraphrase, as the tweet no longer exists: "you said once that i would get bored of you and move on, but you're the one who moved on from me"

they had not muted my twitter, they were just ignoring it. i know this because they finally messaged me first, and it was about that tweet.

the first volley of messages, sent in our roleplay server, was very clipped but mostly civil. they were disappointed in me for resorting to such a low tactic as to post a passive aggressive tweet instead of coming to them about my concerns.

(i had been having no luck getting them to talk to me; our last exchange in that server was nearly a month prior and lasted about 6 messages. perhaps you can imagine why i didn't think taking my concerns to them would work.)

i was not present when they sent these messages, and didn't get to say anything before they left the server. i did return to my computer not long after, however, and realized, with equal parts regret and relief, that it was over.

then they dm'd me, something they had not done since we very first started talking.

the dms were vicious. they had only gotten angrier after sending the first wave of messages and wanted me to know. devot had betrayed them by telling me what they said, and i betrayed them by repeating it on my vent.

i watched each message roll in, one after the other, numb. i considered replying. i never did.

they called me selfish. hungry for attention. everything was always about me. they said all that happened was they stopped initiating contact, and i had the nerve to claim it was abandonment? in the server, they said they expected me to tell them if i had an issue with them. in the dms, they professed to feelings they had never told me they had towards me.

they said they didn't know what they were even trying to accomplish, that i wouldn't even care. the messages stopped.

their twitter was abandoned; in time, their discord was as well. they never blocked me, simply... vanished. their friend list was wiped clean, their icon blacked out. i think it only didn't happen immediately because they needed to retract their presence from everything they modded and collaborated on. why not delete the discord? i don't know. i'll never know.

it's still there, black icon, no friends, no profile. our exchanges are intact. every other account i ever knew them to have is abandoned as well. if i had to guess, they don't go by "paris" anymore. they told me they had changed before, that "paris" was the longest-running identity they had. they loved being "paris". i'm sorry i ruined it, genuinely.

so, May 24th, 2022. a Tuesday; devot would have been off work. i don't remember if i cried. i think i was just sort of bitterly relieved. i think i said "good riddance" on my vent, after blocking their accounts.

that's the thing about defense mechanisms, i guess. they can work. yet, as time passed, the full weight of it all came bearing down on me. not just the end, but every part before it: the grief of it all, of losing paris, piece by piece until there was nothing left. them claiming that the "only thing" they had done was stop engaging with me first was laughable, but maybe to them, that really was the truth. i said it before: it was an accumulation of things. straws on the camel's back, you know how it goes.

it was never just about the roleplaying, or even the conversations. i tried so hard, for so long, to find something else we could do. i trusted them when they said we were fine. i trusted them when they told me they loved me. i trusted them in every way i could trust a person.

paris said once that they didn't believe in empathy. they said it was essentially "mind reading", that there was no way to know how another person was feeling, so how could you know you felt the same? hyper-empathetic, i stayed quiet. they were smarter than me, and more worldly than me; they probably knew better.

"about 1 year ago," says retrospring. i remember when it said only days. when it said a month. when it said 7 months. (that might be when i made my last post on the subject.)

shortly before that day, i finally told my therapist what was happening. it was my very last appointment with him; i'd been seeing him for 4 years. he was moving onto a private practice and could no longer take my insurance.

i said it had all began about a year after paris and i met, and he posited a theory: perhaps it was the honeymoon phase. those tend to last about a year, he said. maybe they had simply gotten bored. he did not say it unkindly (he was very good at his job, and i trusted him very much), but it did strike a chord in me. i thought maybe it was too simple an explanation, though, and after all, we were qpps. how could they just get bored?

i don't think we were qpps at that point. (arguably, we never were, but as a label we shared, i think they had agreed on it at least for a while.)

the explosion a scant few days later did not feel like boredom, it felt like vitriol. like resentment. it felt like they had wanted to say those things for a long time. but it had been 7 months since the possible end of this "honeymoon phase," so maybe. i guess i'll never know.

i have become very bad at keeping up with roleplay. even if it's the same short style, or even if they let me switch between ideas constantly. even if it's souyo. even if they're my friend. even if i'm having a great time. at some point, the mental block rises up, and even though i'm not thinking about paris, i know that's where it came from. devot is the only one largely immune to this effect; we still roleplay constantly, though i do at times fall into slumps even so.

i keep trying; i love to roleplay. it's my favorite hobby. but every time i try, it stops dead by my own hand. even if i'm actively trying to prevent it.

...but otherwise, i think i'm doing better.

my approach to relationships is different. i know what i'm capable of, if i get carried away. i'm careful, and i try to keep track of my emotions about a person. i also trust people a lot less, and fear abandonment a lot more, but i'm aware of it and trying to do something about it.

devot and i are doing much better; he doesn't have to compete with anyone anymore. i have a lot more time and emotional energy for him. i love him very much, and i'm so grateful he stuck with me. i'd be nowhere without him.

the roleplay server i made for myself and paris sits at the very bottom of my server list, tucked into a folder with the server we shared with priam. i don't want to lose the memories, but i never even look at them, so it probably doesn't matter either way. maybe someday i'll use some of those old ideas. i already did, with one; one of our roleplays was the basis for my oc nate, who i made well after paris was gone.

i do not ever want to see or speak to paris again. luckily, the feeling is most certainly mutual.

tomorrow, in about 12 hours, i will be speaking to my new therapist. he is the second i have had since the one i had for 4 years, and the first since then that i actually think i mesh well with. i think i'll tell him all of this. hell, i might even read the post to him. we'll see.

is there a point to all of this? kind of. mostly it's for me, a retrospective of what happened. it's also just informative for the people closest to me who i have likely not told everything in this much detail. if you read it and get something out of it, that's great.

it's been "about 1 year," according to retrospring. i think i like that metric better than the exact timestamps of paris's final messages to me that discord gives. the era of "tox and paris" burned bright and burned hard, and died out very quickly. it's probably for the best. i am healing, and i don't know if i'd have ever gotten better if they kept me around. there is a long way to go, but... i have hope, honestly. i think i'll be okay.

[losergendered]

Anyway, final fight (including poison lucia cody guy carlos and maki even though they're all street fighter characters now)

Mike haggar is a bisexual man with PTSD!

His daughter, Jessica haggar, is a femme trans lesbian (use a femme lesbian flag that isn't lipstick because that's like...trans exclusionary iirc and the trans flag please!) with ptsd, adhd, and ocd! She is also a gainer and encourager!

Her girlfriend, poison, is an altersex sine-P trans woman leatherbutch bi dyke (yes, her sexuality is "bi dyke" to me, thats what hers is as my headmate) gainer with bpd, autism, schizo ocd, hpd adhd, and is plural! (Yes, I headcanon her as a gainer and having gained weight gradually from sfiv-sfvi, even if canon proves me wrong)

Poison's butchfriend lucia morgan is a quoisexual biromantic transxenic demigirl demiboy enby trigender, and is also a xenohoarder with her main genders being puppygender, pupgender, doggender, puppybutch, and dogbutch! She uses she/he/they alternatingly, and is trying out wag/wags, paw/paws, pup/pups, woof/woofs, wao/waos, ruff/ruffs and bark/barks!

Poison, lucia, and hugo andore are all dating maki genryusai, a transmasculine butch sine-B enby who uses they/he pronouns! He is loved and respected as the masculine nonbinary person they are by poison, Lucia, and hugo!

Jessica's ex boyfriend and poison and lucia's close friend, cody travers, is a sex favorable demisexual demiromantic man! He is dating guy and hugo andore, who poison is in a quoimance with.

Hugo andore is Cody's mavfriend and poisons quoimantic partner! Xe is a pansexual quoisexual gray aro loving quoiro maverique androgyne transxenic person using xe/xir/xirs pronouns, and is also leonbergergender, staffordshiregender, bungender, butch, quoigender, genderpink, leathergender, genderpunk, genderqueer, and anarchogender!

Guy is a gay romance favorable aro masc nonbinary! He is in a sexual queerplatonic dating relationship with cody and Carlos!

Carlos miyamoto is a transandrogynous transneufem nonbinary turigirl who uses he/sie/they pronouns! Sie qpps with guy!

posted!

[briamichellewrites]

83

The Capital Grille was busy for a weekday dinner. Bria, Brad, Mike, Jon, and Matt had fun talking and laughing. Mike was a great friend to Bria. He was an extrovert with a friendly personality. A leader type. He was the calm she needed in her life, especially with her mental illnesses. Both he and Phoenix knew her the best. If anything should happen to her, they would know what to do. Mike confirmed that he was known as The Glue in his band.

He was the one who could find solutions to problems. It took a lot to get him angry. But even he needed help sometimes. Phoenix was that guy. When everyone was tearing their hair out, he was the one who reassured them everything would be okay. He also was there to cheer them up when they needed it. Bria kept them in line.

She was also the one who got excited about the little things and who kept them guessing. They never knew what she would say or do next. She loved the people around her like she loved her animals. In a room full of people, she would come out with a handful of new friends. She was also a performer and had been since she was a child. But she could also be sensitive to rejection or abandonment. It was part of her BPD diagnosis.

She was the kind of person who just wanted everyone to get along and have fun. Mike ordered what he could afford while she had a steak with a glass of wine. No, he wouldn’t let her pay for him. Even though she stated several times how she loved spoiling him, he always felt like he was taking advantage of her. She paid several thousand dollars to fly him, Jason, and Joe to Dubai.

He could never repay her for that. It was the best vacation ever. That week and a half was the relief from stress that he needed. It also gave him and Jason time to hang out together. They were both so busy, they only had time for the occasional phone call. They mostly caught up with each other during family events like Christmas or Easter. He was so proud of his little brother and he thought about that whenever he heard what he was doing.

One day, he would be looking at something he designed. The week and a half went by so fast. On one of the days, they went to the Arabian Desert. They got to pet and ride Camels. That was an experience he would never have again. It was like riding a horse. If the horse had humps. Bria thought they were adorable. Jason was taken by the architecture.

They went hiking around the Hatta. It was so beautiful. They explored a native village that was frozen in time. They learned about the history behind the village. They also got to see an ancient nineteenth-century fortress. They took a lot of pictures of everything they saw. He liked to go through those pictures whenever he was having trouble. They reminded him of how much he had. They also reminded him of happiness and beauty. How did he deserve a friend like Bria?

Never in a million years would he think he would be in Dubai walking around an ancient city. But he was. He did. She wanted to try skydiving but she would have had to book a ticket well in advance. Maybe someday she would do that. Joe wanted to visit the IMG World of Adventures, a theme park. They spent a day there walking around and going on different rides.

It was like Disneyland. They all felt like children. Bradford visited Phoenix after forty-eight hours. He was happy to see him. How was he doing? He was doing better, though not great. Was there anything in particular? No, he just missed Linsey. That was understandable. A couple of days ago, Bria and Mike were hanging out with Jon, her boyfriend, Brad; and friend, Matt. Jon was wondering how he was doing. Mike only told him he was having trouble, but he didn’t say that he was in rehab.

He didn’t feel like he had permission from him or Linsey. Phoenix nodded.

“Thank them for doing that. Jon can know where I am.”

“I’ll tell them. I think they didn’t want to say anything around Brad and Matt.”

“Yeah, it’s possible. I don’t think I know who Matt is. Anyway, you want a boyfriend?”

He laughed. “No, thanks. I’m good.”

Jon was informed by Bria about the situation with Phoenix after hearing back from Bradford. He told her of his visit. She and Mike were not able to tell him earlier because they didn’t have permission. He completely respected that. If it was him, he would want them not to tell anyone, either. He visited him the following day. They hugged each other before sitting down at a table outside. He was so happy to see him! Did Bria or Mike tell him about why he was there?

He was having trouble with his sobriety because his mother was diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, that’s what happened. He wanted to drink so badly that he lay on his bathroom floor in tears. It was like he was paralyzed emotionally and mentally. Bradford came over after getting a call from Linsey. He got down and talked to him.

He asked him about how bad his cravings were and he said they were ten out of ten. Who’s idea was it to go back to rehab? It was his. He didn’t see any other options. It was something he had to do. If he didn’t, he would have gone somewhere and relapsed. Jon let him know how proud he was that he asked for help. Thank you. He was proud of himself. Could he and Dorothea do anything for his family? He had him ask Linsey. Okay.

He called her after saying goodbye to him. She invited him over. They talked about how the visit had gone while having a can of Diet Coke. How long did he stay? It was two hours.

“I don’t have any alcohol. Otherwise, I would offer you a beer”, she said.

“Don’t worry about it. This is fine. Thank you. How are you doing?”

“I knew what I was getting into when I married him.”

“But how are you doing?”

“I get angry and frustrated sometimes. I want to take his alcoholism away but I can’t. I see who he is and that’s why I love him. If he was violent or abusive, I would have a reason to leave him. But he’s only abusive to himself. When he’s sober, he’s a great husband. When he’s going through cravings, he retreats. He pulls back from me.”

He gets angry and he takes that out on himself because he doesn’t want to be abusive. Does he self-harm? No, he becomes a little boy who hides away and cries. He hates himself and beats himself up. Jon nodded as he listened to her. He never had to deal with addiction personally. The only exposure to it was watching Richie destroy himself with alcohol. It made him angry. Phoenix was giving him a new insight into what addiction was like. Phoenix was not a bad person. He loved him for the same reasons she did.

She nodded in agreement. He had faith he could do it. So did she. The only person who didn’t believe in him was himself. Could he order food for her? That would be great. Thank you. As they talked about where to get food from, she felt a weight lifted off her shoulders. She was being listened to and wasn’t being pushed off to the side. Loving Phoenix was not easy but he was worth it.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[jesse-pinko]

Can I just say I relate to Chuck McGill so much? It’s so sad, cause while, yes, he is a shitty brother, as far as morality goes, he’s doing better than most characters in brba/bcs. His primary sin, which he identifies, is being unlikable. Jimmy has a lot of pathos, but the fact is the character of Saul Goodman gained enough popularity to get his own show because he’s funny & charismatic.

We see this too with Lalo, who is popular with fans despite being pretty much just, “a soulless pig.” Gus & Mike are liked for their cool professionalism; Jesse & Nacho are both great, but they both get a lot of mileage out of be young & good looking. Shit, I know you don’t like him, but even Walter has a certain magnetism. He’s an abusive monster, but he’s intense & passionate, which clearly draws a lot of people in.

Chuck doesn’t have any of this. He’s not exiting, cool, or particularly charming in any way. He’s not the sort of character who gets “fans.” I’ve never seen anyone geek out over him the way they do for the rest of these guys. He’s shrill & fussy & demanding; made even worse by his condition. And ultimately, these qualities are what make people dislike him.

It doesn’t matter how desperately Chuck tries to be good (though I think his moral framework is very flawed) because people will never love him the way they love Jimmy. And that resentment destroys their relationship, the only true love & dedication he had in his life, but I can still deeply emphasize with that resentment.

Accepting that it doesn’t matter how good you try to be, cause that’s not what people care about, is so painful. & then accepting that you just don’t have it. That you’re not the sort of person who makes friends easily. That you’re not easy to love. That people will prefer actual monsters over you. It’s so heartbreaking, & it’s definitely made infinitely worse by mental illness. Poor Chuck man. :(

anyway srry this so long, u don’t have to respond to it, i just was struck by chuck. also, i know this was a shallow read of those other characters, i was just trying to make point lol

Sorry to get back to you so late when you put your whole pussy into this ask but bc of that I knew I would have to wholeass my pussying as well and I just haven’t had the time as of late 😭🐈 but fr as someone diagnosed w BPD I always saw too much of myself in Chuck to fully hate him, but also, that’s kind of why I hated him, bc seeing your worst attributes laid on screen and read for filth doesn’t exactly make for an objective viewing experience. What a lot of neurotypicals don’t get ab Chuck’s character is that he doesn’t resent Jimmy in spite of Jimmy tending to him so diligently, but because of it, at least partially. Chuck does not feel that he deserves to be loved and cared for, he doesn’t feel like his emotions and his love are worth anything because his parents loved Jimmy best and Rebecca (he thinks) loved Jimmy best and everyone loves Jimmy best bc of Jimmy’s personality, whereas Chuck has only ever been lauded for his intellect. So it feels unsafe for him to be so dependent on another person’s genuine love, he feels unsafe being cared for, because Chuck feels incredibly threatened by any sort of change or anything that doesn’t align w the world as he’s come to perceive it, hence his “allergy” to electricity, an allegorical stand-in for modernity and progress. And so being cared for w/out that sense of worth that he hinged entirely on his career makes Chuck feel not just impotent, but like he owes Jimmy. Chuck feels as though he and Jimmy are now on unequal footing, bc while Jimmy still has his charisma, his “value”, Chuck no longer has a distinguished law career. And Chuck can’t owe Jimmy anything because he has to feel superior to Jimmy in some respect or he’s worthless, because no matter what Jimmy does he will always be loved, he will always have worth, as Chuck sees it, and Chuck derives all of his self-worth from his law career and his sense of moral superiority. Chuck knows he’s “different”, but his proficiency as a lawyer let him believe that maybe “different” is for the best, maybe other people are the ones doing something wrong, maybe he isn’t missing anything that other people have but has something that other people don’t. And it’s not Jimmy’s fault that other people like him better, that their parents loved him more, that Chuck associates his brother with that feeling of worthlessness, but if Chuck can vilify his brother, then he can justify that ugly, misplaced hatred he feels toward the person he owes the most to. And the idea of Jimmy becoming a lawyer, of taking the one thing Chuck had going for him, is unbearable, intolerable. Obviously I’m not a psychologist, I can’t do an official diagnosis of a tv show character, but it is pretty common conjecture within the fanbase that Chuck is somewhere on the autism spectrum. He’s averse to change, he experiences sensory overload, he struggles with social cues, he has niche interests that he is knowledgeable about to a very precise degree, and he has a very, very strong sense of justice. It’s not fair that Jimmy gets to become a lawyer when that was the only thing Chuck had going for him, it’s not fair that everyone loves Jimmy and not Chuck when Jimmy is a conman who stole from their sweet father and Chuck tries so, so hard to be good, to adhere to society’s moral standards as strictly and literally as possible. It’s not fair.

[amazildoessomethingstupid]

Chapter 89: Guest of Honor (finished)

Hey guys...I..I did it...I read it.  I don’t think I properly explained how I’m doing these rants.  I’m not just reading this page by page and listing off all my points as I go on, on this blog.  I’m reading these chapters all at once, really quick giving a few remarks on the discord, and then afterwards going back and doing typing these rants and going over every beat.  I do this so that I can be able to not only present my initial reactions, but also my reactions and feelings about the chapter overall.

Now you might be asking, “Amazil?  Who gives a shit?  Why are you telling us this?  Get the part where Abbey fist bumps Paulo’s jugular!” Well I’m telling you this, because it turns out my reasoning for splitting this chapter review in two was valid.  Because this chapter has a lot of cute shit, it’s got some really nice character building, it’s really cute, it really warmed me up.  

WHICH IS WHY THIS FUCKING SCENE IS SO FUCKING BULLSHIT!

LOOK AT THIS!

So we start off, everything’s fine.  Paulo’s being Paulo, that’s cool.  And hey look, everyone’s all dressed up that’s nice.  Even Stacey’s here! How great! Paulo doesn’t even get a chance to poke that much fun at them before

Oh hey, Daisy’s back!  and oh hey how awkward~ But awww look at how sappy they are, it’s actually sickeningly sweet.  

Luckily Paulo balances this out, with his personality and I like this.

He’s not being an ass, he’s not trying to be rude or anything.  He’s just saying how he feels, and he’s honest about it.  It’s refreshing y’know? and

oh no...

Are we seriously doing this RIGHT NOW?

Are you serious?!

HE LITERALLY HASN’T DONE ANYTHING YET!

YOU’RE NOT GONNA BUILD UP TO THIS OR ANYTHING?! YOU’RE JUST GONNA-

WHELP!  ALRIGHT THEN!  YOU WANTED IT, HERE IT IS!  HERE IT FUCKING IS!  I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT!

I’m right there with you, Paulo.  What the fuck is going on?!

OH THAT’S WHAT WE’RE DOING NOW?! IS THIS WHERE YOU’RE GOING?

well first of all...

That’s right, you don’t deserve the actual EVA version, you get the simpson’s version.  But I’m with you, Abbey because I too now know the kind of person you are! You know at first when people called you a white-knight character, I didn’t see a problem with that, your character was pretty alright.  In fact I was a solid Abbey X Daisy shipper, because I felt the two of you could work through each other’s problems and insecurities, and better each other.  And even when you became more self-righteous and jaded, I gave it a pass because y’know what?  You’ve been through a lot and you’re just trying to do what’s right. BUT THIS?!

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!  What. The. Fuck?!  Coming from the guy who took advantage of attacking someone when they were unprepared and defenseless.  How the fuck can you stoop so low, while still grand standing on your high horse?  

You judgy, self-righteous, grand standing, holier than thou, cowardly piece of shit.  What the fuck are you talking about?!  First of all Paulo’s only been in three relationships so far.  and he didn’t have sex or do anything like that until Rachel!  And HIM taking advantage of girls?!  Which girl are you talking about?  Are you talking about his relationship with Tess where he was kind of being lead on?  Or do you mean his relationship with Jasmine!  Where he was bending over backwards for her, making as much time as possible for her, and trying his hardest to make it work, did all he could, and never tried to bang her; is that where he was taking advantage of a girl?!  Or are you talking about when he want on his sexcapades, where he only banged a total of TWO girls.  You might think he was taking advantage of them, until you remember THEY WERE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM TO GET REVENGE ON TESS!  

(except Rachel, because Rachel actually just loves Paulo and wanted to fuck him)

But wait!  Maybe you’re talking about him taking advantage of Lucy!  Are you arguing that Paulo was taking advantage of Lucy in her distressed state to make a relationship?

BECAUSE IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SAYING

WELL I’M SORRY BUT I’VE SEEN THE FUTURE

AND   WE   WILL   GET   TO   THAT   LATER

Fuck you!  He literally didn’t do anything at all!  When I was going through this chapter, I was anxious to see what lead to this!  I was spoiled into knowing that this scene happens, but I was interested in diving into and picking apart what lead to this scene, and how we got here.  BUT NO!  WE DON’T GET THAT!  PAULO DIDN’T DO ANYTHING IN THIS CHAPTER TO WARRANT THIS SHIT!  THIS IS LITERALLY JUST ABBEY BEING A JEALOUS CONTROLLING LITTLE BITCH, WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE FUCKING DECENCY TO FACE SOMEONE IN A FAIR FUCKING FIGHT!  

HEY ABBEY!

HEY ABBEY I GOT A QUESTION FOR YA?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAYING YOUR THERAPIST?

CAUSE WHATEVER YOU’RE PAYING THEM IS TOO FUCKING MUCH!  

*sigh* this is the exact reason I stopped reading BCB years ago...Because when I was making January, I wanted to be true to the characters.  I wanted to give respect to the canon by trying to be as faithful as I could to these characters.  But I knew I had to stop reading, or else shit like this would happen.  Shit like December, that completely bastardizes the characters, magnifies an aspect of their personality until it consumes them and they become something else.  Something unforgivable.  These characters change their stances so often, I knew if I stayed true to the canon as it went on, that I’d just be adapting their characters and changing them again and again because of the canon.  

People can say what they want about me, but I don’t want this.  I don’t want to see these characters that inspired me, that I loved, and grew attached to become bastardized versions of themselves.  I made January, not because I wanted to make a better BCB, not because I thought I could do a better job, not to spit on everything BCB did wit December, but because I want to see these characters get out of this okay.  I want to see them grow, and fix themselves, be happy, and work through their problems.  I want everything to be okay.  But it’s not.  And it won’t be.

Anyway, after this Mike comes into the bathroom to check on Paulo. He realizes Paulo’s hurt and is concerned about him, but Paulo...

Paulo covers for Abbey, and believes that Abbey was right, and he’s just...

This isn’t fun anymore...

Boy Abbey, look at you.  It’s great seeing how much you care about your girlfriend’s interest.  

TFW the guy you choked out in the bathroom is more enthused about your girlfriend’s interests than you are.  Boy that’s...I can’t even laugh at this.

Anyway, Sue bitches at the group to get a move on, cause they’re part of a panel for something.  And Paulo decides that he’s gonna split, to avoid further confrontation or making a scene.  Daisy takes notice, and

I used to really like this character...

Anyway, look at that!  Mike’s actually taking this seriously, makes sense given his own dealing with abuse.  HOLY SHIT THIS CHAPTER JUST MADE ME LIKE MIKE FOR A SECOND.  JESUS ABBEY, YOU MUST’VE FUCKED UP REAL BAD!

but wait a second...

is that?

*gasp*

IT’S MAH BOY!  McCAIN IS IN THE HOUSE!  WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER!?  IS THIS THE CURSE OF THE MONKEY’S PAW?!

Fuck you, Abbey no one gives a shit.

Anyway, Daisy does the right thing and takes Paulo home. And y’know...

This shit’s still cute...

This part is pretty nice, but....

it feels so hollow...

This is why I split this rant in half.  Because just as I thought, that scene destroys this chapter.  It’s not even that everything before it is great, the stuff after it is also pretty good. But that scene is just so fucking enfuriating that it taints everything around it.  When I heard about this scene, it was all I heard about.  No one talked about the rest of this chapter, no one brought up how fucking adorable Paulo and Daisy are in this chapter.  No one brings up how well they actually play off each other here.  No.  The only thing that matters is that Abbey strangles Paulo in the bathroom.  That’s all there is.  And I don’t blame them.  This is the exact reason I hate BCB.  That scene was not set up properly, there was no build up to that.  And it’s not like I don’t enjoy myself a good gut wrenching emotional scene.  But if I’ve learned anything from reading so many webcomics, it’s that a scene like this should feel like a knife in the gut.

specifically a knife to the gut.  Because it’s from the front.  You see it coming.  You know it’s coming, and you can look into the eyes of the author as they tell you why this is happening.  And you accept it.  You know that this sadness, this bitter taste in your mouth was done with purpose, and it had to happen this way.  

BCB doesn’t do that.  It stabs you in the back.  It lulls you into a false sense of security before pulling the rug out from under you.  It’s predictable now.  Every time something nice happens, when the characters are finally in a pretty good place, that’s when shit hits the fan.  That’s when this shit happens.  And I’m sick of it.  This chapter is a sugary sweet delicious donut with a razor blade inside it.  And it’s clear that all this sweet cute shit was just to butter you up, but no amount of sugar will make that blade go down any easier.  

This is the chapter that killed Abbey.  And I think the worst part is...there are still people who will defend this character, defend his actions, all because of what happened to him in the past.  And to those, I say...

I get it.  Trauma in all its shapes and forms can severely affect a person.  It can change the way we think, the way we behave, the way we perceive the things around us.  It can make us do reprehensible things, and act out against those we love, or those just trying to help.  It’s a terrible thing, what it does.  

But no matter what.  Do not let your trauma, or instability control you.  Don’t let it define you.  And most importantly.  Don’t let it excuse you.  I have hesitated to make rants like this, for years.  Because of my history with Veronica Vera.  I had been told so many times that I shouldn’t speak out about this shit, even if I softened my words because her BPD would make her take this in a way I don’t want her to.  But there was a valuable lesson I learned over these years.  When I was taking care of my older brother who attempted suicide and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  

As a part-time college student, with a credit card my mom let me use I was in charge of buying his medication.  I took him to his appointments, I took him where he wanted to go, I did everything to support him.  And in return, I’d find the pills outside their bottles uneaten and lying on counters.  I’d find him drinking instead of taking his medication, he’d be screaming and yelling at an empty house while I hid in my room to escape.  I’d buy locks for my door and constantly keep them locked even when I was at home, because I found he’d use and steal my things when I was gone or he thought I wouldn’t notice.  From that I learned a lesson that I hold today.  That was probably what gave me the strength to start January and make my own fan comics for BCB.

I learned that when you find yourself suffering, dragged down, and going insane yourself because of someone else’s mental illness.  

Then that person’s mental illness, shouldn’t be your problem.  

Maybe I’m just projecting here.  Maybe I’m taking this too far, and reading into things too much, applying my own experiences to this character and using that to excuse my opinions on their behavior.

Maybe that’s what you’re doing too, when you excuse Abbey’s behavior.

The difference is, I want to see these characters be better than this.  And I don’t want to see these other characters have to break because of someone else’s trauma.  I want these characters to make it out okay.  

But I know that’s not the case.

Fuck this scene.

[sadbastardhour]

Long Post Ahead assult abuse ment

Theres been so much going on and between so many people I dont know where to go?? Ive been trying. I know I dont have a full job but Ive been working cleaning as a maid inbetween to get something in, and Brody isnt making it easier. He's an instigator and always will be and it makes Cheryl more and more pissed and it seems like itll never get better. I keep trying to ignore it but it gets harder and harder. I picked the worst time to quit, I know. Summer is high time for a flooded market. Sending me and brody shit through group text about how worthless we are doesn't work just because all brody does is lounge.

I get out of the house. I see people. I gp places, have experiences. Working. I'm not stagnant. Life is trying amd I can't keep up. Last night was awful. The past two calendar weeks have been awful. Ive been trying Cheryl. I've been able to ground more as I type. I'm still so fucking anxious. Why do I get drug under with brody? We're different people. Kick him out, not me. I'm going to be moving out in October even if Missouri falls through in the moment Ill still go else where. I cant. I hate her. I hate that for the past month Ive been packing more after each time I get yelled at. I fucking get it I look like Mike, I get it what Mike did and it will NEVER be the fault of the child for what happened to be bought here. You literally ould have aborted me and even now 20yrs down I wouls have forgiven you for doing it. To see what my life would be? God, put me back. Brody stop typing in chat youre making her mad.

Its not my fault he assaulted you and you never believed me when he did it to me and then you cant admit when even you assaulted me on multiple occasions Cheryl. I just wanted to die. I remember when the thoughts first came around and I knew I was normal. I six/seven year old shouldnt be having those ideals of using his father's hunting knives like that. Of course I know there's more wrong than bpd. There's something else and I know it was here long before it, even as a child I can see signs looking back. But you made it worse. You all did, never free from screams or hits or humilition. Forcing me to piss on the floor. Beating the shit out of me in public dirong martial arts as a cover up, laughing when I cry when ypu pushed me down the stairs over and over, and leaving me confused. I dont owe you anything, Cheryl. It's why I stay silent and pull back. I dont need to be here. I shouldn't be. I want to die but why subject them to another funeral. You wouldn't cry for real anyways. Ill just wait until I either go too far in my own curiosities or become another fuckong statistic.

[epilepticcunt]

Making an appointment with Dr. Bowers, the psychological and behavioral psychologist I used to see from the beginning of 7th grade to the end of 10th grade. She diagnosed me with BPD in front of my dad and Gwyn. Within the continuum of Ryan and I’s relationship I got kicked out of my mom and Mike’s house due to my loyalty and unwillingness to break up with him for them. I was sixteen at the time. I am now twenty four. My ex told me in a fit of anger how much of a cunt I was for perpetuating a BPD relationship cycle. Maybe he’s right. The least I can do is clean my side of the street for my future self. 

Still doesn’t change the fact that he stole a shit load of my clothes, my butt plug he bought me for Christmas 2 years ago (like four times, we only used it together once when he first gave it to me but every time we broke up he would jack it from me...) My first bottle of lube we got as a couple is gone, lingerie missing, makeup missing, he got caught on Tinder 3 times, he ruined a friendship I have had for over a decade. I caught him with a girl a few years back a prior time that we had dated and he chose her over me -- and he went to talk shit to her when we broke up. He didn’t get a job in three years but watched me have mental breakdowns over worrying about not being able to pay the bills, not having sex with me for literally 3 months at a time, telling me he was a-sexual to get out of fucking me, pretending to not hear me cry myself to sleep because he didn’t want me for such a prolonged period of time, promising to communicate but ghosting me for a week, shattering my Nintendo Switch, refusing to touch my pussy unless I complained enough for him to finger me for five mins or less. I have literally dated this person for 13 years on and off and I can still count on one hand how many times he has eaten me out. He would make stupid promises to go to bed at the same time as me, or wake up the same time as I do. They would mean a lot to me in the beginning. I soon realized he was full of shit. Just like when he said he would meet me at my house on my lunch breaks from work. He would always fall through and flake out. I was pushed to my breaking point. YES I loved him, but at what cost? I was depressed as fuck, exhausted trying to explain he needed to grow up and get a fucking job and help me with the bills so I could chill for a second when I get off work. Instead, I would leave for work with him sleeping instead of being awake like he promised. get home from work to him sleeping on my lunch most days. If he wasn’t sleeping he was un-showered and playing video games. I’d leave to go back to work, come back home at five PM and he would be sleeping. Two of my grandparents have gone into Hospice and passed away in the last two years. He knew they were going downhill and knew they weren’t all too present in my life, so it did mean a lot to me. I wanted to be there for them and be there for anything I missed out on before. I visited my grandpa Dick and my grandma Phyllis frequently leading up to their deaths. HE MISSED BOTH OF THEM BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING OVERWATCH. IGNORED MY MESSAGES FOR FIVE HOURS while I bagged my own grandma with the funeral home. I hate to rate my grandparents like this, but my grandpa really meant a lot to me due to the fact that he was not there a lot of my life. He would show up and give me $50 and feel like that made up for it. It didn’t, I just wanted to spend time with him. I finally got to spend that time with him at the end of his life. and he died. and Ryan fucking missed his death. of course. Because I don’t mean shit and I never meant shit.  I specifically remember Valentine’s day 2019 I woke up and he refused to get up with me. Had to go to work so I got ready, left, came and home for lunch. He was sleeping so I said fuck it and didn’t wake him up. I cried on my lunch while he slept on the couch. Came home after work and he was still sleeping on the couch. I tried to wake him up a couple times. He slept all night. I cried.

So I was very angry for the majority of the relationship. I said a lot of things I regret saying. I felt as though he didn’t care either way. He wasn’t giving me any attention at all and even if I freaked out he still didn’t provide any attention after a while.  Moral of the story - don’t point out anyone’s personality disorders if you are the one perpetuating them. OF COURSE I have abandonment issues that stem from my father. YOU KNEW THAT - you shouldn’t throw that shit in someone’s face if you were privileged enough to have your father present during your childhood. Fuck you for throwing that in my face. OF COURSE I have problems from that. My own mother told me he chose drugs over my sister and I. I thought my dad was Ken while I was growing up, not James because HE WAS NEVER FUCKING THERE! But you fed into my fear of abandonment anyway just to see what would happen. This. This is what would happen. Are you happy now? My mind can’t stop racing about every misdeed I’ve made in the last 24 years. 

I know you think I am the worst person ever Ryan, but you ripped me into pieces. I don’t wish you any ill will either. I just hope you find someone “who can put up with your shit.” 

I’m going to get help for my problem. What about you?

[lyrieux-archive]

Monday, 8th May

Time: 11:45

          -╳-           I’m having a really shit, day, actually - but I’m constantly having to bury it all away to keep the peace. It’s eating me away inside and I’m constantly questioning myself over... everything. I was on the BPD support group on Facebook, again, and there was this one woman accusing everyone of being scroungers because they were on benefits and that they let their mental health get the better of them and they could work if they didn’t have the support of the benefits... And that just started me off on a spiral of ‘what if I’m not really fucked in the head’ and hating myself because I’m on benefits and obviously not worth anything to the universe. And I spent forever just... wandering shit and hating myself, and ... I don’t know... second guessing everything. And the only thing that reassured me that I was genuinely mentally ill and that I was alright being on benefits was that I nearly had a breakdown stepping outside and that my one leg is covered in self-harm cuts. That’s not something a normal person does. But it took me forever to feel... justified again. That and I’m fed up with Mike, again. He won’t talk to me when I need support or reassurance but the moment I bring up sex or anything like that, he can’t reply quick enough. I’m just so close to telling him to fuck off. Honestly. I swear, he only wants me for sex anyway, he doesn’t actually give a shit about me. If he did he’d support me more, he’d try and help me when I get in a state. But no, he just ignores me and my messages when I even remotely mention being slightly off. I’m giving up. Honestly, what’s the damn point? I’ve reached out for help endlessly and I’ve got nowhere. I’m not getting any help, I’m not going to get better. I might as well just enjoy my endless suffering for as long as I manage to cling on because honestly... I just want to end everything.      

[briamichellewrites]

75

Bria was writing songs again. She was in love with Bradley but her mind was turned against her. It convinced her that he was going to get tired of her and leave. It made her angry because she was so tired of having voices in her head. She couldn’t talk to him because he would get tired of trying to reassure her that no, he wasn’t going to leave her. That’s what it felt like anyway. She knew what her mind was telling her wasn’t true, but she couldn’t convince herself otherwise.

He would find another woman and fall in love with her. Why did he need her? She wanted to push him away, while also suffocating him into staying. Maybe it was better that he left her. She deserved to be alone. Phoenix left her. Brad left her. No, they didn’t. Their breakups were amicable. They loved her. It just didn’t work out. That was part of dating.

Mike listened to her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. It wasn’t her fault and that’s what made him angry. Not at her but at her mental illness. He could never get angry with her because it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t Emma’s fault, either.

“I hate being in this body! Nobody understands what I’m going through”, she said in tears.

“You’re right. We don’t and that’s not fair. Neither you nor Bria should have to go through mental illness every day. I’m sorry that you are. What can we do to help you?”

“She was so happy. Now she wants to break up with him.”

That was because her mind was not well. He explained what Borderline Personality Disorder was in a way she would understand. Bria didn’t want to have voices in her head being mean to her. Emma didn’t want that, either. She was so nice to her. That’s just who Bria was. She was a genuinely nice person. He asked if he could talk to Bria because he knew how to help her. She nodded. Okay. He took her hands into his and told her how proud he was that she shared his feelings with him.

She wiped her tears from her eyes before asking him not to leave her. He promised he would never do that. Okay. He hugged her. When Bria came back, they talked about what Emma had said. She nodded. Emma was always afraid of people leaving her. Yes, she was. It was because she was a child who was scared. She didn’t know how to express herself.

Little child, so soft and sweet

Tears rolling down your cheeks

Baby girl, please don’t worry about me

Bria received a phone call saying that her mother had died in her sleep. That triggered her mental health to spiral. Bradley brought her to an emergency appointment with her therapist because he didn’t know what to do. Her disorders were foreign to him. He didn’t want to do the wrong thing and make things worse. She was crying on and off, which he completely understood. He didn’t know what her relationship was with her biological mother.

She never had one. Because of her memory problems, she didn’t even remember her mother. Her mind just told her to grieve. It didn’t matter. His job was to support her and Emma in any way he could. Emma had taken over and she didn’t understand what was happening. She was scared and confused. The therapist gently explained to her that Bria’s mother had died.

That made her sad. They talked about complicated emotions and how they affected them. Emma had an idea of what death was, though she had never experienced it herself. Not that she could remember. Bria’s mother had been very sick mentally and physically. Did Bria know what caused her death? It was a heart attack. She was sleeping when it happened and nobody knew about it until the morning. That’s when they found her. They called Bria when it was confirmed.

Her death triggered her BPD symptoms. Primarily her fear of abandonment. Did she know what BPD was? She nodded and explained it in a way she understood. That was correct. What else did she think she was feeling, besides sad? She had to take a moment to think.

“She’s scared.”

“Yes, that’s possible. What is she scared of?”

“She’s scared that everyone is going to leave her. I tried telling her that’s not true but she doesn’t listen to me!”

“I would say she is scared that everyone is going to leave her. I don’t think she’s not listening to you. I think that voices in her head are louder than what you’re telling her. She likely can’t hear you. That’s not your fault or hers. Her mental illnesses are complicated to understand.”

It wasn’t easy being twelve years old and sharing a body. She gave her credit for trying to help her. Bradley asked if it would be okay if he texted Mike to let him know. Okay. He thanked her.

Just a heads up. Bria’s mother died last night/this morning. Emma has taken over. I don’t know if that’s the correct terminology. We’re at an appointment with her therapist. I don’t know how to help her without making things worse. I also don’t want her to feel like I’m pulling away or abandoning her. Can you please help? – Bradley

His heart dropped in sadness as he read his text. Oh, no. Yes, he would meet them back at the house. His mind thought about her self-medicating with drugs and alcohol to take away her pain. If that happened, they would do everything possible to help her. Before leaving the house, he sent out a group text to the band, Brad and Renè. Bradley was with Emma, but he was going to go over to see how he could help out. He would update them when he got back home.

Emma was petting Anya when he got to the house. She stopped crying and was focused on the cat. Anya purred to make her human feel better. Bradley opened the door before stepping out and closing it softly behind him. How was she doing? He gave him an update, along with what happened during the therapy session. Was it scheduled? No, it was an emergency meeting.

He didn’t know what to do and he was scared of doing the wrong thing. Mike understood. Who would they be talking to? Emma. She came out after Bria got the phone call from the hospital. Anya was with her in the living room. Okay. Bradley opened the door and they went back inside. Mike approached her carefully and slowly because he didn’t want to upset her. He gently said hello to her. She smiled at him and said hello back to him.

“She’s purring.”

“That means she’s happy. She likes you petting her. Can I sit by you?”

Yeah. Thank you. He sat next to her on the couch. Bradley was so relieved he was there. His only other option was to bring her to the hospital for observation. As he talked to her, he kept her calm. Where were the other animals? She shrugged. They were around somewhere. They were always hiding. Yes, they liked to do that. They would come out when they were hungry. She nodded.

Oh no! Please give her and Emma our condolences. If there is anything Dave and I can do, please let us know. – Linsey

Everyone was devastated. His phone was off but it was blowing up with text messages. They couldn’t imagine what she was going through, especially with her mental illnesses. If anyone could help her, it would be him. He had the patience she needed. Emma needed some help finding the right words to use because her mind fogged up. That was perfectly fine.

Her mind was under stress and bereavement, so speaking was hard. She closed her eyes for a moment to block out the stimulation before starting the sentence over. When she finally finished, she opened them again.

“It’s okay. Don’t feel like you have to rush. We have all the time in the world”, Bradley said gently.

“Bria did mention going on a skiing vacation with everyone. She wanted to plan something where everyone could join in. It sounds like a lot of fun. I know she would let you come, too”, Mike said.

“I don’t know how to ski”, she said with a laugh.

“That’s okay. You can still have fun. Maybe one of us can teach you. I bet you will like playing in the snow. Have you seen snow before?”

“I saw it in a movie. It was like a Christmas movie.”

Yes, a Christmas movie would definitely have snow. She laughed. After going through everything that could be made with snow, she decided she was tired. She was going to take a nap. With that, Bria came back. She said hello to Mike. Emma told her he was there. Yes, he was. How was she doing? She couldn’t answer that. That was okay. She didn’t have to answer the question.

When was the last time she ate anything? That morning. Bradley made them breakfast. He checked the time. It was almost evening. He was going to order pizza for them. Bradley wasn’t picky about what he got. He was fine with whatever. They thanked him. Bradley kept her talking about everything other than her mother. Anya had left to get some food. She came back with Woody and the dogs. Meow. She hopped back up onto the couch.

Give Bria my love. Those were the texts Mike received. He would do that. She was doing a great job so far, though he was prepared for her needing extra help. She would gradually go through the process of grief. It could take weeks or months before she could move forward. Acceptance. It was the last step. They would take it one step at a time.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[courtneytincher]

U.S. Is Right to Stay the Course on Iran Sanctions

(Bloomberg Opinion) -- It has been a year since the Trump administration began to reimpose economic sanctions on Iran. The first phase kicked in on Aug. 7, 2018, targeting transactions with Iran involving dollar banknotes, precious metals, steel and passenger aircraft, among other things. U.S. imports of Iranian rugs and food items were also proscribed. Three months later, the Trump administration sanctioned Iranian oil exports, banks, ships and ports — all part of what it billed a “maximum pressure” campaign against the Islamic Republic.The impact of the sanctions is plain to see. The Iranian economy is in a free fall: GDP will shrink this year, and inflation is soaring. Oil exports have plunged to 100,000 barrels a day, from a peak of 2.8 million bpd shortly before the first round of sanctions. Its biggest buyers have found other suppliers.But what exactly is this U.S. policy achieving in geopolitical terms? That depends on what you think the sanctions were meant to accomplish. Those in the Trump administration who harbor hopes of toppling the Iranian regime will feel let down. Sanctions rarely ever deliver regime change, and anyway that should not be an American objective.The administration says the sanctions are designed to change the regime’s behavior — a panoply of activities ranging from the pursuit of nuclear weapons and ballistic missiles, to the promotion of terrorist groups and militias across the Middle East. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has claimed that the campaign has “raised the cost of the regime’s expansionism.”  This is not the first time — or even the millionth — that a politician has claimed success prematurely. The real picture is decidedly mixed. Some reports suggest the economic squeeze has forced the regime in Tehran to cut back its financing of proxies like Hezbollah.  There’s not enough evidence yet that these groups are curtailing their dangerous activities. One Iran-backed militia, the Houthi rebels in Yemen, has actually stepped up missile and drone attacks on Saudi Arabia.  The Iranian government, meanwhile, shows no inclination to parley. It has rejected offers of negotiation without preconditions from Trump and Pompeo. Instead, it has responded with bellicose rhetoric — President Hassan Rouhani invoking Saddam Hussein-esque threats of “the mother of all wars” — and with attacks on tankers in the Persian Gulf. It has also resumed uranium enrichment, and is threatening to raise the purity to levels ever closer to weapons-grade.  For critics of the Trump administration’s Iran policy, all this is reason enough to declare the “maximum pressure” campaign a failure. But it is too soon to draw that conclusion.Sanctions are a long game, and the fact that Iran is feeling economic pain is reason enough to persist with them. If a year or two of double-digit GDP shrinkage and hyperinflation aren’t enough to persuade the regime to alter its behavior, then four or five years might. Ordinary Iranians may chafe at the hardships caused by the sanctions. They are also growing fed up with their government for spending scarce resources on foreign misadventures; pressure to curtail them will only increase as the resources grow scarcer. There is, of course, another consideration: How much more damage would Iran have inflicted on its neighbors if its economy, unburdened by sanctions, were in rude health?We needn’t guess. When sanctions were eased after the 2015 nuclear deal, the regime accelerated its assistance for the Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad and other proxies, and increased persecution at home. More import revenues would have meant more dollars and arms shipments to Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Yemen — and, very likely, an expansion of influence in other places. The best argument for patience with the Iran sanctions is that they have worked before. Remember that it was a steady increase in sanctions starting in the mid-2000s that persuaded the supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, to drop his opposition to nuclear negotiations, which only began in earnest in 2013. (Khamenei later tried desperately to save face by claiming this was a gesture of “heroic flexibility” on his part.) It is true that those sanctions were U.N.-endorsed and imposed by all the world powers, whereas the Trump administration is currently going it alone. But in terms of impact, the American sanctions are just as debilitating — arguably, even more so — than the ones that went before. And anyway, Iran’s increasing belligerence in the Gulf and its enrichment threats are likely to bring other world powers closer to the American position.Staying the course on the sanctions is, for now, the Trump administration’s smartest option. It should continue to offer negotiations, and it can ameliorate the suffering of ordinary Iranians by allowing humanitarian trade, especially in medicines. But it should keep the pressure on the regime at maximum.To contact the author of this story: Bobby Ghosh at aghosh73@bloomberg.netTo contact the editor responsible for this story: Katy Roberts at kroberts29@bloomberg.netThis column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.Bobby Ghosh is a columnist and member of the Bloomberg Opinion editorial board. He writes on foreign affairs, with a special focus on the Middle East and the wider Islamic world.For more articles like this, please visit us at bloomberg.com/opinion©2019 Bloomberg L.P.

from Yahoo News - Latest News & Headlines

(Bloomberg Opinion) -- It has been a year since the Trump administration began to reimpose economic sanctions on Iran. The first phase kicked in on Aug. 7, 2018, targeting transactions with Iran involving dollar banknotes, precious metals, steel and passenger aircraft, among other things. U.S. imports of Iranian rugs and food items were also proscribed. Three months later, the Trump administration sanctioned Iranian oil exports, banks, ships and ports — all part of what it billed a “maximum pressure” campaign against the Islamic Republic.The impact of the sanctions is plain to see. The Iranian economy is in a free fall: GDP will shrink this year, and inflation is soaring. Oil exports have plunged to 100,000 barrels a day, from a peak of 2.8 million bpd shortly before the first round of sanctions. Its biggest buyers have found other suppliers.But what exactly is this U.S. policy achieving in geopolitical terms? That depends on what you think the sanctions were meant to accomplish. Those in the Trump administration who harbor hopes of toppling the Iranian regime will feel let down. Sanctions rarely ever deliver regime change, and anyway that should not be an American objective.The administration says the sanctions are designed to change the regime’s behavior — a panoply of activities ranging from the pursuit of nuclear weapons and ballistic missiles, to the promotion of terrorist groups and militias across the Middle East. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has claimed that the campaign has “raised the cost of the regime’s expansionism.”  This is not the first time — or even the millionth — that a politician has claimed success prematurely. The real picture is decidedly mixed. Some reports suggest the economic squeeze has forced the regime in Tehran to cut back its financing of proxies like Hezbollah.  There’s not enough evidence yet that these groups are curtailing their dangerous activities. One Iran-backed militia, the Houthi rebels in Yemen, has actually stepped up missile and drone attacks on Saudi Arabia.  The Iranian government, meanwhile, shows no inclination to parley. It has rejected offers of negotiation without preconditions from Trump and Pompeo. Instead, it has responded with bellicose rhetoric — President Hassan Rouhani invoking Saddam Hussein-esque threats of “the mother of all wars” — and with attacks on tankers in the Persian Gulf. It has also resumed uranium enrichment, and is threatening to raise the purity to levels ever closer to weapons-grade.  For critics of the Trump administration’s Iran policy, all this is reason enough to declare the “maximum pressure” campaign a failure. But it is too soon to draw that conclusion.Sanctions are a long game, and the fact that Iran is feeling economic pain is reason enough to persist with them. If a year or two of double-digit GDP shrinkage and hyperinflation aren’t enough to persuade the regime to alter its behavior, then four or five years might. Ordinary Iranians may chafe at the hardships caused by the sanctions. They are also growing fed up with their government for spending scarce resources on foreign misadventures; pressure to curtail them will only increase as the resources grow scarcer. There is, of course, another consideration: How much more damage would Iran have inflicted on its neighbors if its economy, unburdened by sanctions, were in rude health?We needn’t guess. When sanctions were eased after the 2015 nuclear deal, the regime accelerated its assistance for the Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad and other proxies, and increased persecution at home. More import revenues would have meant more dollars and arms shipments to Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Yemen — and, very likely, an expansion of influence in other places. The best argument for patience with the Iran sanctions is that they have worked before. Remember that it was a steady increase in sanctions starting in the mid-2000s that persuaded the supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, to drop his opposition to nuclear negotiations, which only began in earnest in 2013. (Khamenei later tried desperately to save face by claiming this was a gesture of “heroic flexibility” on his part.) It is true that those sanctions were U.N.-endorsed and imposed by all the world powers, whereas the Trump administration is currently going it alone. But in terms of impact, the American sanctions are just as debilitating — arguably, even more so — than the ones that went before. And anyway, Iran’s increasing belligerence in the Gulf and its enrichment threats are likely to bring other world powers closer to the American position.Staying the course on the sanctions is, for now, the Trump administration’s smartest option. It should continue to offer negotiations, and it can ameliorate the suffering of ordinary Iranians by allowing humanitarian trade, especially in medicines. But it should keep the pressure on the regime at maximum.To contact the author of this story: Bobby Ghosh at aghosh73@bloomberg.netTo contact the editor responsible for this story: Katy Roberts at kroberts29@bloomberg.netThis column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.Bobby Ghosh is a columnist and member of the Bloomberg Opinion editorial board. He writes on foreign affairs, with a special focus on the Middle East and the wider Islamic world.For more articles like this, please visit us at bloomberg.com/opinion©2019 Bloomberg L.P.

August 08, 2019 at 06:00AM via IFTTT

[lyrieux-blog]

Tuesday, October 24th Time: 15:01

Time for an update. I saw a psychoiatrist; I’m officially diagnosed with BPD, Anxiety, Depression; have more sessions coming up to sort out other things - waiting to be put on DBP. Have new medication for anxiety. Looking okay. Semi-back with Mike. We’re trying things again, supposedly slowly. We’ve been talking and laughing over messages like we used to. He came over for a few hours the other night - so quickly did conversation turn to sex. No thanks. I had a panic attack, ended up sobbing; he rubbed my back and asked what was going on but I just left it. Didn’t want to go into it. He was never very good at trying to understand any of that, anyway. he spoke about coming over today, too - but didn’t. I tried messaging him earlier about my issues today, how I was feeling (literally suicidal) he wasn’t really interested in that... Told him I was going to have a bath, he asked for pictures. :/ ! I messaged him about the issues of this afternoon. Not heard from him.  It’ll probably be like before; if I message him something on a completely different subject, he’d get back pretty quick. So long as it wasn’t about my head issues. He’s been really excited about going to the gym though - so thats super cool for him. I dunno.  I successfully moved this blog from a sideblog to a main blog so I can focus on it more. Update more often, get my thoughts out because honestly, today has been nothing short of a nightmare.   

[briamichellewrites]

72

Jason and Rob were outed as a couple. It crushed them because they tried keeping their relationship secret. He wasn’t even out to his family and friends. Was it true? He gathered his sister and parents together. Yes, it was. He had a boyfriend he had been dating for over a year. Why didn’t he tell them? He was trying to figure out how. What about his ex wife? Was he gay? No, he was bisexual. His boyfriend was also bisexual.

After getting their questions answered, he was told that as long as he and his boyfriend were happy, that’s all that mattered. He wanted to cry in relief. Instead, he thanked them. What was his name? Rob Bourdon. The friend they had met previously? Yeah. Oh, they liked him! He laughed. So did he.

During a phone conversation with Rob later, they talked about whether to confirm or deny they were dating. They were not thinking about coming out but this was different.

“Rob, I don’t fucking care. I love you and it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about us. They are going to talk, no matter what. The only people’s opinions that matter are ours.”

jason_mraz: I would like to address a rumor going around. I am in a relationship with another man.

After mutually agreeing to come out, Jason wrote up a statement confirming the relationship and his sexuality. He thanked his boyfriend and family for giving him strength to be honest with himself and the people who loved him. What he asked for was to give his boyfriend privacy. After his post was published on instagram, he and Rob started receiving love and support for their relationship. Dave, Mike and Chester gave him their support and welcomed him to the LP family.

jayjoinsta: To @jason_mraz, you are the most adorable, talented, beautiful and amazing person I’ve ever had the honor of meeting. You are literal sunshine and the world is beautiful because of you. I love you and always will. Bruno also loves you. If there was a cute cat emoji, I would definitely use it.

jason_mraz: I love you too! We need a pet play date! I’ll text you about that!

Favorite person. That was what Matthew was. While talking with Mike and Brad, he found out that they had a suspicion she had borderline personality disorder. They explained what that meant. It was a very complicated disorder and very difficult to get a diagnosis of because it overlapped with bipolar disorder and PTSD. She had to wait six months before she could be evaluated again by a mental health professional. They wanted her to be diagnosed because it meant she could receive treatment.

What was a favorite person? That was someone she thought highly of. He brought up how much he loved her and how sometimes he was concerned about her, especially when she talked about depression or loneliness. Sometimes she talked about how her mind was abusing her and gaslighting her. He became concerned she was going to hurt herself or go back to using drugs.

They could understand that. It was a battle between ‘go away. I hate you. Come back. I love you.’ Someone with BPD was afraid of abandonment. That could be a breakup or him going home or him not answering his phone. Things that wouldn’t matter to them but they could be the end of the world for her. It was an illness that caused extreme mood swings that were usually inappropriate. An example would be getting angry with him because he mentioned not being able to fly to LA to be with her.

“‘How dare you do this to me! I hate you!’ That’s how we understand it, anyway”, Brad said.

“I’ll.… I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.”

“It’s not just you. It’s us, too. I just used you as an example because we know how close you two are.”

“I get it.”

Did it make him think differently about her? No, not at all. He loved her, no matter what. It just helped him understand her better and how to help her. Brad asked him how he met her. He smiled as he told them the story behind that. Sadly, she was struggling with an addiction to something they later discovered was heroin. Leo had tried talking about her but she became defensive. When she was in rehab the last time, he was encouraged to reach out to her.

She was like his little sister. That was who she was to them, too. How long have they known her? They met her when she was thirteen, so over ten years. She was part of their family. Thirteen? Yeah. That was a long time. She had the same amount of energy. They laughed.

Just as they were talking about her, she came in with Bruno on his leash. They had gone to the vet for a wellness check. He was healthy and had zero issues. How did he do during the appointment? He was not having it. They didn’t have to muzzle him, he was just not happy. The vet was awesome, though and got him to let her finish. When it was over, he got the fuck out! She had to chase after him.

They laughed. She picked him up and he sniffed at the air. He was lucky he was cute. She kissed his head before they pet him. She was looking at getting another dog. Bruno looked up at Matthew and he pointed it out. See! They laughed.

“He’s been doing this for a couple of days. It’s because you gave him food. Now, that’s all he wants.”

“It probably is”, he said with a smile.

“What did you give him”, Mike asked.

“Just some bits of chicken. He’s been following me around ever since.”

“He knows where the good food comes from.”

“He knows where his chicken hatches.”

They laughed. What did they think about him? He was genuinely easy to get along with. They would both invite him to hang out with them again. After he left with Jayde and Bruno, they talked about what their thoughts were. He was a good influence on Jayde and he made her genuinely happy. One thing they really liked was his refusal to give up on her and how he had been there when she needed a friend.

While laying on her bed, he brushed her hair off her face. He then kissed her forehead, making her smile. What was she thinking? Being with him made everything perfect. He turned over on his side to look at her, as she did the same. She didn’t have to think about her mental health or addiction because he made those disappear. It was because of him, she remembered what happiness was. He kissed the top of her head. If she could, she would put him in her pocket. That was lame. He laughed.

He thought it was cute. If he could, he would keep her in his pocket. He enjoyed talking with her friends. What did they tell him? Nothing embarrassing, he promised. Just that she needed a friend like him. He didn’t want to tell them about their relationship, so he didn’t. Good. They were protective of her. That’s what he found out.

Texas. It was a long way from LA. Seeing each other wouldn’t be as easy as seeing each other every other month like Rob and Jason. He had to plan a wedding and be a father, but he would still have a place in his heart for her. Even if she found another guy to fall in love with. He had initiated the affair by kissing her.

Did he think she would have feelings for him? No, he expected her to tell him off or slap him. But she didn’t. Instead, she let him make love to her. Nothing would change how he felt about her.

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