#anyway. on lunch break now when theres lots to do (we have more ppl now at least tho)

[monsterbisexual]

i hate how i feel doing or not doing certain stuff for/because of the pain + fatigue since im a fat person :///

[namuneulbo]

week eighty

this week was good mentally ig? idk my ocd has been really nice to me lately and my compulsions havent been as bad as they usually are which is nice. i hope this continues for a while at least.

monday was happy for me. wearing my fav bowie shirt helps too. its gotten a small spot now that didnt go away in the wash and ive frantically been putting a bunch of cleaning chemicals on it and hoping itll go away bc shit was expensive + its one of my fav shirts i own + its one of my comfiest shirts + ratio + ur mom.

we had a grunting workshop at school w the singer of finntroll which was super epic. hes so cool lol and i was just super excited ab getting the proper learn it and get feedback in real time so ik im not doing something bad to my vocal chords and throat and all that. he said i sounded good while we were trying some stuff out as a group so that boosted my ego a lot lol.

now,,,, exciting !!! thing !!!

me and my friends came back to school by the end of lunch break and who do i see as we walk in...?

w, of course!

i had said hi to him earlier iirc but i might be mixing up the days, anyways, i somehow managed to just walk up to him and talk to him. nothing crazy, i just asked him ab the paramore cover band stuff and being like “yooo, is it still happening or..?” and he was like “oh yeah, i still really want to do it, im just very busy atm” and i was like “ah, thats fine, i can help u out w anything if u want to. its fine if it gets a bit postponed too!” and he was all like “ah, thanks!”. that wasnt perfectly transcribed bc ive honestly forgotten a lot of the things that were said but those were the key points ig. i just got so nervous when talking to him lol i was just staring into his eyes the whole time which is super rare for me but ig i was so focused on what i had to say that i didnt even think of it but now all i remember is how green his eyes are and how cutely he smiled when he thanked me and i also feel like ive stood way too close to him although i dont think i did in reality but like considering all i remember are his eyes it feels as it ive stood too close. we had a cute lil bye sesh and then i ran to class. everyone was there already and i just sat next to c and smiled frantically. my friends had seen me walk up to him and thankfully they just walked to class wo me bc i wouldnt have done so,,, okay w them behind me, watching me try to talk to this silly lil guy. anyways, i explained as much as i could considering we were still in a room full of ppl who know this guy lol. i showed how shakey i was to c and they laughed ab it. i remember going to fill my water bottle and just jumping up and down in excitement the second i locked the bathroom door and my hand shaking like crazy as i held my water bottle under the streaming water.

tuesday! the workshop continued! afterwards we were in a smaller group of people and got more personal feedback. he said i did it really well and that i have the technique down so im super happy ab that.

wednesday was iconic. there was this party for the uni part of my school that ppl had been talking ab lots. as far as ik it was like a lil party for just the uni students where they were performing for each other. w was playing there even though hes not in uni yet. he played w his tribute band (which ik bc i saw him listening to a playlist w the name of the party and it was just filled w the police songs and it was made by the bassist in that band, who i later followed on spotify too hehe hes so cool and his music taste is so good bro?). so thered be that performance thing party and then an after party in our school party place thingy in the basement.

since it was wednesday, it was music quiz as well so i was ofc going to that. i knew i could get into the after party so i decided to freshen myself up a bit extra before going out for the extremely tiny chance that w would be at the party.

for context, w is NOT a party person. he doesnt drink and he also just,, doesnt ever go out really?? hes just like me fr but anyways, i thought today he might actually be there bc of the performance thingy. like yk, he might as well go? i thought?

so i first go to a short pregame at ds place. i got there so late that i didnt drink anything before going to the bar. i watched them speedrun a drinking game before we left to the bar.

once we were at the bar we had to sit further in bc of how full it was. i prefer sitting closer to the enterance bc the volumes lower, anyways, vs parents were there which was quite fun ig haha they were really nice and his mom was so cute so it was fun. the quiz this week was so hard though, the songs were so weird and the trivia qs were just a bunch of statistics that no one would know. i was so hungry so i decided to not drink anything until the afterparty bc i didnt want to throw up. vs dad bought us salmiac shots though which i obviously could not refuse, theyre my fav. afterwards, i went home and devoured some cheese and tomato sandwiches and then i went back to ds place. we stayed there until we got a green light to leave and go to the after party.

earlier at the bar i had asked c how big of a chance it would be that w would be at the after party. she confidently laughed and said “like, 10%. absolutely no way hes there, sorry girl!”. i try to persuade her being like “hm but think ab it!” and shes like “yea, its a bigger chance than other days but dont get ur hopes up too much”. i ask the same thing of l. they say “oh god, no way. he wont be there. 95% sure he wont be there. no way.”. personally, i thought there was like a 40% chance hed be there.

we arrive at the after party. me and l were by ourselves pretty much. we scan the place and no w is to be seen. i get a bit disappointed although nothing crazy since i knew he wouldnt ACTUALLY be there but yk, i still had my hopes up. me and l sit down in a couch by the bar. i turn to them and kinda pout being like a bit sarcastically overdramatic and say “not even ds here!”. linnea looks at me and points behind me w a small gesture and goes: “look”.

i see d walking confidently towards the bar. n and w walking softly behind him. me and l just stare at each other w wide eyes and the second they walked out the room we burst out in laughter bc both the chance and the timing was so crazy. we get up to see where they went but dont stalk too intently. we went back to the bar room after a while and sit down on another couch and talk w s. s is super talkative and fun so hes very appreciated when ur feeling a bit lost at parties and gatherings. we sit and talk w him and i see d, n and w walking back in the room. they walk past and i stare lovingly at w. they sit down on the couch me and l sat on earlier and w sat right where i sat. ty god!

i can see w nicely from where im sitting and its like a side angle but like far enough back that he cant see me staring unless he turns his head so im taking this opportunity to STARE. i analyze his outfit. hes wearing black shoes instead of the usual white nikes ones or the yellow vans. his long brown hair falls cutely under his hat. his black tee is once again hugging his biceps so ,, attractively. at one point he throws his head back and keeps it there for a while. he was probably tired. it was 1 am tbf. i feel quite bad saying its hot in a way bc i do feel bad for him if he was just feeling tired and wanted to go home but like,,, bro put his whole adams apple on display for me, a firm lover of big adams apples, i just couldnt help but die on the inside. so hot. i had never noticed how big his adams apple was until that. new feature to admire hihi!

i watch him scroll through facebook and insta as his friends talk w others. im far away enough that i cant tell what the posts r or anything. hes so interesting. ive always seen him as super talkative and outgoing but hes not really? i think he might just be an introvert whose social battery had run out. i think we might be quite similar socially actually. i do think hes less shy than me, he seems that way at least but i do think hes similar to me where i just have better and worse days and somedays im super talkative and talk to random ppl more easily and somedays im quite quiet and barely talk to ppl ik. hes also like, alone, a lot. i feel a bit bad for him. i think it might be by choice? he does talk to ppl, its not that, but he tends to walk around school alone. ig its bc hes not actually in school but just doing civilian work.

i slept a total of four hours before my shift the next morning. two at night, got ready in one hour and slept for another two before leaving for work. i was surprisingly awake at work though. like, yeah, i could feel the lack of sleep but it wasnt terrible. i did some grocery shopping afterwards.

friday! last official day of school. i just have my graduation left. we didnt have anything important in the morning but i went to school to see if w was there. he wasnt in the morning TT i followed l to the shop and they went to buy coffee then went to the library to study. i went back to school for a short bit to see if hed be there, he wasnt. i talked to c briefly and told her ab why i was in school so early and she gave me a lil look and scoffed but it was funny. i went home and drank a pepsi and got some studying done before heading back for lunch. during lunch break i see w for the first time. i was too shy to say hi though.

our schedule said the afternoon was a surprise so no one knew what we were doing. we all met in the main hallway of the music building and then went out. they left while i was in the bathroom so i had to run and catch up w them. theyd gone quite far so it was quite embarrassing running all across the town square. everyone was guessing where we were going as we walked. i walked w c, l and l. l joked that we were going to see one of the schools alumni play in the park and i believed him for a good minute before they told me it was just a joke. i guessed we were going to play mini golf and i was right lol. we played mini golf and it was so hot outside bro. i was wearing a black hoodie and black jeans so i was DYING. it was fun for a bit but i dont really enjoy it so it got boring quickly since it was so hot too and its just too repetitive and w a big team it takes ages to finish.

after that we had a music quiz (or two in a way, one w tv show themes and one w normal songs) in the park w some ice cream. i was sad we didnt get to pick teams but i got to be in the same team as c at least. we took one last class group pic together too :’)

there was this small culture event starting in the evening. it was a festival that lasted all weekend. it had a small participation fee and it was even cheaper w the student “pay what u can” ticket. i only went on friday and saturday bc the only event on sunday was the same art exhibition they displayed the entire weekend. i was pleasantly surprised by friday bc i had higher expectations ab saturday but ended up liking fridays programmes more.

on friday, me and l got there around 7 pm and wHO DO I SEE AS SOON AS I GET THROUGH THE DOOR??? not w BUT both of his parents. see, ive stalked his parents instas LIGHTLY. i felt weird ab going too deep but ive just seen the pics hes tagged in from his parents instas so i just know his parents names and what they look like. i knew his mom had some project there bc her name was on all of the posters. i ‘fangirl’ a bit to l and we go on w the exhibition, enjoying the epic art. the first programme is a 30 minute sesh of video art on the screen. i love video art a lot, its always my fav when at a museum. the first one was actually the one ws mom made, or well, she was the performer in it and i was just staring bc she looked SO YOUNG. she has gray hair but in the video it was blonde and she just looked so youthful i was questioning whether i was tripping and just seeing things. shes such a cute lady. it was a really cool video of her doing,,, interpretive dancing? silly gestures? in the forest. it was so pretty. afterwards she held a little speech and it was really interesting and agh such a cute lady like actually so loveable. i love humans sm.

the second video was a video of someone manically vacuuming while dressed in underwear. it was silly but it was nice w something less intense in-between.

the third was quite a short one of a robot speaking ab how it doesnt feel feelings and stuff. kinda scary.

the fourth one i cried at lol idk if it was bc i felt emotional or if it was eyeliner getting into my eye or the bright light coming from the screen but i cried lol. it was another forest video. a person standing in the forest, trying to rip their sweater off but not managing to do it. there was a repeating phrase in swedish in the back but i cant remember the exact quote but it was something like “taking off the body that is you”. so beautiful.

id say the last one had the most elements to it. white (like, literally, fully white clothing, hair and makeup) person walking around in unsaturated landscapes. v pretty.

afterwards there was a dj thing that we decided to skip to go to the bar. we went to see a rage against the machine cover band but i had to leave quite early bc i was so socially drained and also, i forgot my ear protection so i was scared to stand there wo it. im so scared of getting tinnitus, esp as a musician.

saturday! i met up w e in the early afternoon. shes got a summer job at h&m and im so jealous. we went to some garden thrift shops (?) in the older part of town. such pretty gardens and i ended up getting a dark blue flannel and three glass bottles to put flowers in. v happy!

we later went to a café and chatted for an hour or so. i had an iced latte and a mudcake and it was so yum ! we then went walking around some shops and then went out for ice cream from the ice cream stand. theyve changed to the yucky soft serve and im so sad. only mcdonalds has the good soft serve nowadays TT

we spent the last hour or so at my place and did nothing really. i just touched up my makeup and gave her a try-on haul of the flannel. i feel really bad in a way. im so sure she likes me and it feels so mean now that i have a crush on someone else. i liked her a LITTLE. like i was a bit intrigued by the idea back in september but she didnt seem to have that then. i do think she deserves someone who gets as much butterflies as she does when theyre w each other though. ive realized thats usually the best way to make me realize whether i like someone or not. i need butterflies! such a good feeling!

in the evening me, c, l and ls ‘friend’ e went to the event again to join a queer culture quiz. we SUCKED, it was truly humbling. e was super nice and it was fun getting to speak english for a bit. after the quiz i joined c to the store to buy some food. i didnt get anything bc i wasnt THAT hungry and i knew wed go out for food later anyways. we met i on the way there and then again in the store. c and i sat in the park while they ate their food and then we went back to the venue. we missed some performance thingy but i wasnt too interested in it anyways. we came just in time for an elvis impersonator. it was surely,,, something. me and c were both very shocked over the ,,, quality... the thing is it was supposed to be satire but like it was just,,, actually bad. the costume was cool though. we then listened to some ambient music woah. i thought it would be a bit different but it was alright. c had to leave earlier bc she got overwhelmed by it and me, e and l left once some more ppl started leaving. nobody seemed to enjoy it that much. we stood outside and talked w s for a while. at one point a bunchhhh of ppl started leaving which was quite funny to watch happen.

we left after a bit and we went to get fries and the hot guy was at the cash register!!!!!!! super happy. me and c fangirled a bit over how hot he was.

we ate the fries in the park and i was feeling a bit woah ab the fact that we were IN the park so late at night. its a big park and its kinda known for being sketchy at night but we walked out unstabbed so id call it a success.

lastly, we went to the bar. it was filled w ppl and the festival held its after party there. it was basically a rave so i didnt really go to the dance floor but i stood outside passively smoking for hours instead. we were kind of awkward bc no one wanted to go up and talk to ppl. i suggested we couldve gone and talk to h and s and their friends or c and d and after suggesting c and d, c (my friend c, not this guy c) scoffed and went like “what would we talk ab w c and d? smoking weed?” and i was like “yeah? lets smoke w them yo!” and then they just ignored it lol but i kept talking ab going smoking w d throughout the night and i think i was the only one who found it funny. good thing i was sober bc i think if i wouldve been drunk i mightve even actually walked up to d and been like “yo,,, ik weve never exchanged a single word before but ur really cool, love ur bass stuff dawg (+ i have a massive crush on ur drummer friend), wanna get high?”

i left after a while bc i got bored bc my chingus didnt want to talk w anyoneeeee. fell asleep and woke up w a cold and its so bad atm. my entire body hurts and im so weak. work was so bad bc of it and idk,,, i might have to call in sick next shift. well see.

ive been listening to a lot of the police this past week so obviously...

sotw: the police - every breath you take

[theunconcernedembalmer]

how do u handle ur social anxiety? ive been struggling a lot with it lately to the point ive sorta been breaking down and what better way for advice than to ask someone that comforts u (mun[?] too)

Mun... might have something more useful for you.

aesops way of coping is probably avoidance but we all know that aint the best way aha. anyway this was one ask i could not stop thinking about because i read it n went (john mulaney voice) Huh my anxiety never got so bad till a break down, n then it happened to me a few days later. i do find this funny yes

anyway, the most useful thing ive learnt to handle my social anxiety (not entirely tho but its a good start) is to identify which trains of thought is Social Anxiety tm speaking so u can immediately know those r lies. stuff like Oh they’re laughing at me just as I walk by, they’re laughing at me, or Someone else is here, they probably hate me, I should go somewhere else but I cant, aaaaaaaaaaaaa

(if im not wrong,) usually theyre statements that are along the lines of “they hate you” or “you’re wrong”, n they’re based off an irrational fear of others that can be countered using evidence or, well, logic and rationale. things like “No one is keeping a checklist of your mistakes, you’re literally the only one doing that and scrutinizing each one of them, others dont care so much about these things.” (ive found this to be a very good counterargument to use for a lot of situations so im bolding it) or “You wouldn’t think that if someone else messes up, it should be the same for them. And if they say it isnt a big deal, it probably isnt”. for me i usually keep repeating these more logical explanations n counterarguments to myself to kinda quell the social anxiety voice for a bit. i know there are cases that it doesnt work 100%, but its a good start

n if ur also like me who avoids eating/ getting food cos theres human interaction involved, i kinda try to get my friends to drag me out whenever possible. no shame, even a simple “hey lets drop by the convenience store later so i can grab a snack” is better than starving for like. a day or so. its also cos of this whenever i plan my schedule for the day, i see if i can plan it such that its convenient for me to get food for both lunch and dinner (sorry im not one for breakfast aha). n also i find that if i dont like the food (sorry im a very picky eater), i would rather starve than eat, so now im willing to pay a bit more for food i like n will eat

or just having someone else to talk to about these kinds of things, and kinda having a second opinion of “was that weird of me” or “should i have done that” with someone (ppl give advice better to others than to themselves aha) really helps, i think. u could probably also ask for advice maybe (like this? XD) ((after i had a small meltdown that day i went to my boyfriend’s to complain for an hour n honestly that helped me to release a lot of distressed energy n its better than stewing in it for the rest of the day + i got some advice that i slowly worked on when i was feeling up to it enough))

im also still kinda bad at small talk with strangers, especially ppl whom i just met. i find a small trick to this (that again does not work all the time) is to try to find a relevant topic (background is also fine i guess, depends on context), n as they answer find something about their answer that u can branch off into another topic. it could be a personal anecdote that is remotely related to that topic, it just gives u things to talk about aha (eg someone saw me drawing n commented that one of their friends also draws, n i started talking about how i used to get really bad grades in art class. which wasnt quite the topic but it worked). n when ur ending ur turn to talk, try to have something that the other person can comment on/ answer. having said that, this is hard if the other person is equally awkward/ doesnt give u much to branch off on from their replies (i mean they really only answer your question n rarely elaborates unless prompted. eg “what did you have for lunch?” “pasta.” “oh, what kind?” “carbonara.”). then i say its only as awkward as u make it to be, perhaps u would be better off kinda just sitting together in silence. its not weird unless u make it, n not every moment has to be filled with conversation.

thank u so much for this ask by the way, social anxiety is a huge bitch to have n it sucks extra much that a lot of our fears seem incredibly stupid from a “normal” point of view n we are constantly on edge even if we seem 101% fine cos we’re not fine aha. but just know ur not alone in this, n i hope some of these might have helped. 

i guess i should put some sort of disclaimer here, these r just some of my own personal problems n the solutions i have are mostly for me (maybe except for countering the thoughts), so i understand if they might not work for others. so i kinda recommend just sitting down, identifying which aspects social anxiety is affecting n finding a solution that works for u is kinda the best. try out different methods, if they dont work thats alright, if it does then thats great. it takes a lot of time, admittedly i starved myself for a couple of semesters before i found this solution for myself. it also take a lot of constant effort to counter, n to that i wish u all the best, n good luck in finding methods that work for u <3

[somnilogical]

no shelter

some of you may have had occasion to run into transfems preforming cryptographically secure tests for cissexism and to wonder therefore how they got that way, and here, in partial explanation perhaps, is a story of the one transfem, somnulence logencia:

(mostly cut and pasted from messages to my friends)

i called this homeless shelter and asked if they had any rooms and they said they did and to come on in and then when they saw my id they were like "how about you go to the mens side" and i was like "how about i dont want to be raped" and they were like okay and told me to sleep in a foldable cot in the entrance room. with a harsh white light on all night, i stretched it to two nights and then they kicked me out and said they had no room.

a thing about being oppressed is theres so much opportunity for snark because things are obviously fucked.

they were like "no one can come in to your room you are safe here" "so no one can come in to the main area with my cot?" "er, no, people have to pass through there to use the restroom" "i seeee"

anyway they told me they couldnt house me because suddenly they were full. i looked at a checklist for rooms that they had ppl sign and some but not all of the room numbers were highlighted. and at the end of everyone signing their names none of the nonhighlighted regions were signed except for where i signed my name next to 'cot'. a day after they told me to leave because they were full i asked my friend to call them and check if they were full, and they gave them the same answer they gave me, that there were a few openings in the upper bunks.

i talked twice in private with the most empathetic looking humans i could find that i thought the other people were turning me out asap (instead of after 45 days which was their printed policy) because of discrimination. and they both said that it was because they were full.

this isnt a shelter that really does one-day stays.

--

during my ""intake"":

"this is a christian organization so we have to ask you some religious questions. ~so how do you feel about christian stuff?"

"well christians tried to forcibly convert my grandmother-"

"sounds bad, not something jesus would do"

"..."

"well this is a christian organization so if you are staying here we do require you to go to chapel so i dont want to hear anything about "forcible conversion""

because you, the homeless person, choose to sleep there and consume their resources you see!

i dislike arguments of the form "oh but how could be horrible when we give people cookies and fluffy pillows? does that seem horrible to you? i think you are miscomprehending this entire situation somni."

they forced us all to go to christian religious services 2x a day weekdays, 1x a day sundays. and if you missed them 3x they kicked you out. and when an old lady fell asleep during services they poked her and when i said "let her sleep huh? :)" they were like "nuh uh" and poked her some more until she woke up. clockwork orange kinda stuff.

they had a rule about only wardens being able to let people in from outside which i defied to let someone in who everyone knew was staying there, but the warden was on lunch break. she thanked me. i told her these rules were unjust, she would complain to the wardens that everyone would violate rules about eating food in their rooms.

<<May a church or church-run business/non-profit discriminate against me?

Under California law, there is no religious “exception” for discrimination in housing or public accommodations. This means that a religious-based hospital cannot deny you care just because you are transgender, nor can a religious-based homeless shelter refuse to house you as the gender you identify as.  HOWEVER, certain religious organizations and religious educational institutions are not subject to California (or federal) non-discrimination laws.>>

https://transgenderlawcenter.org/resources/know-your-rights/faq-the-gender-nondiscrimination-act

they lied because they expected that i would sue them into oblivion if they told the truth.

--

i want ppl to see the structure of this sort of thing. like the details. its not true that everyone does this all the time. it is actually hard to tell when this is happening.

at this point i am very paranoid about this and i still believed they didnt have rooms with ~10-30% of my heart, enough uncertainty for the test to feel like it could go either way before i performed it. because of the way their body moved and i talked with multiple people in private and they didnt stumble over their words or hesitate.

like i practiced noticing the difference between [peoples words and social affect] and [what they were optimizing for] on homeless people who were less intelligent than me. where they would be like "i am not sexually attracted to you, that would be like being attracted to my child you are like a baby to me" while also feeling up my thigh and back. hear the smooth words and see their disconnect from actions if you took them as veritical.

and after specifically training for discerning this i was still uncertain.

im now even more paranoid about this sort of thing (in an alternate universe where the test failed and the person on the other end of the phone said that there were no open beds this would be evidence against gaslighting and i would update to a human whose coarse features look less paranoid from, i guess, the point of view of someone with less accurate beliefs whose perspective im internalizing in my description because i still apparently have outside-view security holes).

you know i got along fine with the other women in the shelter. lots of them were half-crazy black women and thats relatable. like one of the people was making >100,000$/year before she had a psychotic break and issues with schizo for 10 years. at least thats what she said and i actually belive her.

a cis woman there was threatening to fill a bag with rocks and bash someones heads in as a means of conflict resolution.

only issue was with wardens who saw my id & decided to break the laws of this state to follow the laws of their religion. remember when emma was there with me and i said she was a transsexual too and they were like "its not illegal" yet they acted like it was because they wouldnt house me and lied about why. throughout all of this, except for once, they called me "she" and "her" and yet acted like i was a ~violent male~.

spent the first 20 minutes of "intake" "processing questions" crying because they were being transphobic and processing it by making wry replies to their questions wasnt enough to parse through this. i was crying when they took my photo and entered me into their database as part of "processing me".

the missionaries took great interest in my native american ID.

--

i initially walked up to the building on the mens side and people prevented me from coming in and escorted me to the womens. because sex segregation. and then i go to the womens side and they see my id and suggest that i go to the mens!!!

its important to see beyond the surface level emotional performances, to be able to conduct tests that discriminate between different possible optimization targets.

[lesbianmezzo]

IMMA CHALLENGE YOU TO ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS FROM THAT FALSETTOS ASK MEME

hOOOOO boY (and thank u to everyone else who sent asks!!!!)

Four Jews in a Room Bitching: What’s your favorite stereotype for your religion?: aside from this entire song, the stereotype that we eat a lot

A Tight-Knit Family: Who do you consider your family?: to keep it simple, my mum, dad, sister, and cat

Love is Blind: What makes a healthy relationship?: coMMUNICATION (even though its hard sometimes)

Thrill of First Love: What’s something you’d kill for?: tickets to see book of mormon on broadway

Marvin at the Psychiatrist: theres no question here i am sorry

My Father’s a Homo: Could you/Would you want to be president?: I can’t bc I’m british and prob not bc boy is that a huge responsibility 

Everyone Tells Jason to See a Psychiatrist: Do people nag you consistently about something? If so, what?: “please stop singing it’s really annoying” is said to me daily 

This Had Better Come to a Stop: What’s something people do that infuriates you?: pretend to think they’re bad at something even though they know they’re good,,,

I’m Breaking Down: What makes you crazy/pushes you over the edge?: people not listening to me, and also studying bc that makes me wanna cry

Please Come to Our House: What was the last thing you did to help someone?: a friend needed help with her drama homework a couple hours ago

Jason’s Therapy: What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?: the classic “just ignore them” in reference to ppl being mean (it didn’t work)

A Marriage Proposal: How would you want to be proposed to?: sIKE I want tO PROPOSE to her to see her wonderful reaction

A Tight-Knit Family Reprise: Are you satisfied with what you have in life, or do you want more?: i constantly crave more why can’t i chill out 

Trina’s Song: What’s the worst interaction you’ve had with the opposite gender?: i pretended to like this boy for ages when i was 11, he asked me out, we “””went out””” for a month in which we never actually met up, then he dumped me and said that he went out with me for a dare which made me sad and humiliated but who’s laughing now bc I’m a lesbian

March of the Falsettos: Who’s the most immature person you know, and why?: this girl in my year causes conflicts between friendships because she can and isn’t sorry about it then acts betrayed when people don’t eat lunch with her 

Trina’s Song Reprise: Have you ever settled for something better than you’d expected, but not as good as you’d hoped?: i don’t think so????? i have v high expectations for myself oops

The Chess Game: What’s the most petty thing you’ve ever done?: vagued my ex girlfriend on tumblr after she broke up with me I’m so sorry

Making a Home: How are you different in public than in private?: i try to be the loudest and most extra person in the room in public, and people are surprised when i don’t talk much in private

The Games I Play: Do you ever wish you were doing more than you currently are?: aLL THE GODDAMN TIME,,, my life story why can’t i cHILL OUT

Marvin Hits Trina: Have you ever hated someone for being happy?: yes. 

I Never Wanted to Love You: Have you ever liked something you knew was bad? Have you stopped?: i watched bad anime for years and still watch it #no regrets

Father to Son: What is your relationship with your parents?: good, i think. we’re very close

Falsettoland/About Time: Do you use labels?: yes who would i be without my pigeon holed personality

Year of the Child: When was the last time everything was all about you?: I was the closing act at a concert, it was the best thing ever,,,,,

Miracle of Judaism: What’s the last significant decision you had to make?: A choice between question 7a and 7b on my english lit GCSE

The Baseball Game: Do you play/like sports? Which ones?: what the heck is sport

A Day in Falsettoland: What is your daily routine like?: lots of travelling, lots of studying at the moment

Everyone Hates His Parents: What was the last thing your parents did that pissed you off?: got obsessed with our broken shower and wouldn’t shut up about it

What More Can I Say: Are you in love? Have you ever been in love? What is it like?: yes, and yes. Its like a terrifying rollercoaster but you go on it anyway because of course you do because you love it even though it scares the shit out of you but it’s also like getting home after a long day and snuggling up with popcorn and a movie that you’ve always watched its a mix of emotions and hard to explain

Something Bad Is Happening: Do you get frustrated when you don’t know something?: y e p

More Racquetball: Are you a sore loser/winner?: I’m a pretty bad loser oops but i like to think I’m an ok winner

Holding to the Ground: How do you react when things don’t go as planned?: the short answer is badly

Days Like This: Are you an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist?: optimist 

Canceling the Bar Mitzvah: How do you react under pressure?: not great

Unlikely Lovers: Do you have any friends who are extremely different from you?: yes. they’re fantastic though and i love them

Another Miracle of Judaism: If you could have anything right now, what would it be?: a wholesome bar of dairy milk chocolate and maybe a hug 

Something Bad Is Happening Reprise: Have you ever had to deliver some really bad news? How did it go?: i don’t think I’ve had to deliver anything too bad to be classed as bad news tbh

You Gotta Die Sometime: Are you afraid of dying/death?: yes, but also no. less than i used to be 

Jason’s Bar Mitzvah: What was the last big event you attended?: the leavers service at school and i cried a bit (a lot)

Falsettoland Reprise: What do you want your legacy to be?: my voice

THANKS SO MUCH