#anyway. sorry this is just a rant post I’ll delete later I’m just annoyed and grossed out and tired rn

[sharedtrauma]

Hate having to see that blog that ships genshin incest everywhere because they’re big in the byler scene.

[horanghaechan]

Freedom (Johnny) - final

pairing: Demon!Johnny x Dancer!You (female character)

word count: around 6k

synopsis: After dancing at NCT’s party and having a private session with Johnny, you find yourself in a different situation. 

Inspired by Freedom - Kris Wu ft Jhené Aiko.

(Part 1 here)

[a/n]: i actually had a side-blog once and posted it there but i got author’s block and deleted everything. anyway, i’m rather proud of this scenario so i decided to post it again lol

You say you want some freedom You ain't got a leash on, you ain't coming home But where you wanna go You already know We can blow a creeper on the low I’ll be on my throne Tryna take it slow Guess you can control, let's play

 On rainy days, Y/N would rant about having to go to college in such a weather, then she would eat a schwarma and watch a good “Vines Compilation” until her mood was slightly better. Chances were that, if the “Bewitched boy vine” or the Mexican kid screaming "Alguien se comió mi torta” were in them, she’d smile.

However, since Johnny Seo happened, Y/N didn’t do any of that.

And that was three months ago.

“You’re really refusing a ride for college in this shitty weather?!” Yuta rolled his eyes.

“I’m refusing dying for a second time, Yuta.” Y/N chuckled.

“I won’t pick you up if the storm gets stronger, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.” She opened the door of her apartment. “Before you leave, turn  the lights off.”

“Why don’t you move back to our house?”

“Because I can’t stand Youngho.” Y/N quipped. “Don’t forget the lights, dear!”

“I’ll pick you up at 9PM, college’s main door. One minute late and you’ll go back home all alone and in the rain.” Yuta yelled while she was leaving.

“Thank you.” She grinned, knowing he would always play hard to get.

  Later that night…

When Johnny heard a loud – excited – scream coming from Lucas, he knew she was there. It took her almost two months to come back... But who was counting, huh?

He pushed the girl out of his lap and barely looked at her while he dressed back.

“You gotta leave.”

“What?” The blonde beauty glared at him, shocked.

“You gotta leave. I need to address to an important matter right now.”

“B-but you said you didn’t have any business today!”

“Turns out I do.” He sighed. “Hurry up, I’ll escort you to the door.”

The girl pouted, but it didn’t make him change his mind. His attention drifted to the new female demon that had entered his property, the one that made his blood boil. He checked himself in the big mirror, feeling extremely hypnotising and sensual. Obviously, Y/N would pretend not to feel a thing, but he wanted her to be a bit shaken by his appearance. They didn’t part in good terms, so Johnny decided to give her a sample of the life she lost by gently telling him “to fuck off” and storming out of the room like a crazy ex-girlfriend. While closing his door, he made sure the sound was loud. When he walked to the stairs, he could hear Taeyong and Yuta saying something about ‘kitchen’ and there was a small silence. Perfect for his dramatic entrance.

Y/N looked up to the foyer at the sound of steps, her insides tightening at the sight of Seo Youngho. Then, right behind him, there was a tall, golden-haired lady that looked like a model.

“Cassiopeia is leaving.” Johnny announced in that hypnotic voice of his.

“I thought she had just arrived?!” Lucas frowned.

“Turns out she has some stuff to do.”

The girl looked so offended by his remark but didn’t object to any of it.

“Oh, ok then.” Lucas shrugged. “Y/N, Doyoung and I are going up to play some games, she’ll sleep over. Yuta and Tae are cooking dinner. Wanna join us?”

“Yes.” He shook his head. “Bye, Cassiopeia.”

And without a word, he left her alone in the staircase. She made an ‘I’m offended’ sound and came to the main floor, looking at Y/N and Lucas in pure annoyance.

“Johnny said he didn’t have anything to do, but then he kicks me out… What is happening, Lucas?” She inquired, trying to pout cutely.

“How would I know that, dear?” Lucas ventured, dismissing her with a soft grin. “C’mon Y/N, I’ve bought the French deck so you can teach me that truco game.”

Truco is a card game for two, four or six players, who shout a lot and make signs to tell their partner what cards they had. It’s a popular game in Latin American countries, with some regional differences, but funny either way. She was used to play that with her friends, Inez being the one that taught them how to. Since she couldn’t see the girls ever so often, Y/N decided that she would teach the boys, so whenever she felt like playing, she’d have company.

When Lucas opened his bedroom door, Johnny was there – his silky black hair parted in the middle and the white button-up shirt with the three first ones unbuttoned. Y/N felt as if she was punched in the stomach, his beauty too much for her own good.

“What are we playing?” Johnny asked.

“Nothing.” She replied. “Actually, I’ll go to the kitchen to help Yuta and Taeyong.”

“Are you really going to run away every time we meet?” Johnny pouted. “I didn’t take you as a coward, mei fortuna.”

“And I didn’t take you as a joke, Youngho, but look at where we are now?!” She spat.

“Ok, I’m gonna get Doyoung and when I come back, I want everyone behaving politely and pretending to be friends, huh?!” Lucas spoke slowly, as if he was talking to small, naughty children.

He left the room, closing the door with a dry sound. Y/N sighed, throwing herself on his bed and facing the ceiling in a stupid attempt to ignore the male demon.

“So, how’s life?” Johnny tried going for a small talk.

“Pretty good.” Y/N muttered. She intended to sound rude.

“Did Yuta tell you about the party this weekend?”

“He did, yes.”

“You coming?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe.” She looked at her nails, pretending to be uninterested.

“You can’t possible think about living only with your friends’ sins, Y/N. What if they notice you’re always the reason they start gossiping?”

“I don’t live off of only gossips. People commit sins every hour, duh.”

“You manipulate them to commit small sins, then?” Johnny laughed. “That isn’t enough.”

“Well, you should’ve thought better before ruining my life and turning me into a demon. I prefer doing things this way, it’s easier and doesn’t make my conscience ashamed.”

“Are you kidding me? You make your friends sin! What type of conscience is that?”

“And what about you? Do you even have one? You, I quote again, ruined my fucking life!”

“Aw, don’t be petty. At least I did it for myself and never pretended to have done with for something or someone else.” The corner of his mouth quirked up and she rolled her eyes. 

What was she expecting, to begin with? That he killed her to save his friends?! To save the world?! Ha, ha.

“See? And I’m doing this for myself too.”

“You won’t be powerful enough if you keep doing it.”

“I don’t intend to be powerful enough.”

“Are you sure?” Youngho tilted his head to the side, only the tiniest bit, but it drove her crazy.  That horrible man was so sarcastic and so arrogant… Ugh! She wanted to choke him!

Doyoung walked in with Lucas, automatically putting an end to their discussion.

“Let the games begin!” He shouted happily.

Y/N really tried not to get affected by Johnny’s presence, but it was impossible. She couldn’t stop remembering everything. Every fucking thing.

The tension when they met, how she was so hypnotised by him at first glance. Her dance and his eyes on her all the time. When they flirted. When she rejected him. The lap dance. When they kissed. When they fucked and how amazing, ethereal, unique that was… Then she died because of him. Fuck, it was so hard to accept the truth! Only being able to live because she took advantage of others and made them sin… She even brought her loved ones into the mess! What kind of disgusting creature would even do that?

But demons were like that and the faster she learned to deal with it, the better.

Also, there was one more thing bothering her: if she hadn’t arrived, Johnny would’ve slept with that Cassiopeia girl… Right? She said he kicked her out when they arrived.

Y/N felt the need to vomit.

“You seem a bit off, dear.” She was surprised by Doyoung’s soothing voice and the petname. Normally, Lucas was the one to be affectionate (and caring).

“I’m tired from college, so I can’t get into my competitive mode and make the game funnier.”

“How many months until it ends?”

“Two, thank God.” She chuckled, earning three smirks in response.

“You’re really a believer now.” Johnny teased her, knowing she would get annoyed.

“I actually had no other option.” Y/N’s tone was dry and she refused to look at him.

“Well, I’m sure the supper is almost ready, so what about we stop the game for now and go to the kitchen? If you eat you’ll get a boost of energy.” Doyoung held her hand, shocking her even more. 

Did the boys actually feel sorry for her having to put up with Johnny?!

“Agreed.” Lucas shook his head. “Let’s go, princess.”

Youngho was frowning due to Doyoung’s odd behaviour, but it got unbearable thanks to Lucas’ boldness. What the fuck was wrong with his friends? Did Y/N need to be pampered and treated as the most delicate flower now?

If he was going to be honest with himself – which he was not –, he'd admit that he was a bit jealous. Y/N didn’t need sugar-coated treatment; she liked things rough, she was tough and cold when she needed to be, and knew how to put people in their place. A woman like her should be treated as a goddess, not as a fragile lady. And, well, Johnny knew how to treat her right. He knew exactly what to do to make her squirm, to capture all of her attention, to crawl under her skin. Unfortunately, since they were connected by her transformation, he was sure Y/N knew what to do to him as well…

Even though she never seemed interested in using it to her favour.

That was the saddest thing about turning people into demons: you created a bond with them; so you could feel when they are struggling, when they’re excited, when they’re mad or happy... That’s why less and less demons offered or agreed to do so; it was too much trouble. When Y/N woke after “dying” and they talked, Johnny went out to find more experienced demons who could help him figure out what really had happened, but there wasn’t much information about what happened when someone becomes demon without selling their soul and requesting to come back as one of them. Then, he wasn’t able to answer all of her questions and Y/N freaked out, deciding she had enough and was wasting her time... So she left him.

Him.

She didn’t leave Yuta, Taeyong, Lucas or Doyoung.

She left just him.

Moreover, it was a hard punch on his ego. No one ever left him, he left them.

When they sat down for dinner, Y/N was between Yuta and Lucas, looking more relaxed than before. She loved Taeyong’s food because it was always homemade and he usually cooked dishes she could use as “comfort food”; besides, that’s what eating meant to her: comfort. He had prepared dough soup (sujibae), mushrooms, courgettes and garlic bread as sides, and for dessert chocolate lava cake. 

Yuta poured her some soup while she devoured in one bite the bread.

“Do you live in hunger?” He joked.

“Only when the weather is shitty.” Y/N stated. “Oh God, Tae, I love your food!”

“I’m glad I can help.” The leader smiled lovingly. “Did you have fun playing cards?”

“No, dear, not at all.” She shook her head. “Would you ever be so kind to pass me the mushrooms, Dodo?” The adorable smile she gave Doyoung (and that hideous petname) made Johnny scow. 

What the fuck was happening there?

“Should we start with the British accent as well?! Maybe some Regency outfits and a full decoration?” Doyoung joked, handling her the mushroom bowl.

“Capital! That would be precious.” Y/N leaned forward, a hand on her heart and eyes twinkling. “I’d like to be called ‘Your Grace’ or ‘milady’.”

“Holy fuck!” Lucas tried to muffled a laugh. “Suits you perfectly, tho. However, since I’ve always been calling you ‘princess’ I might have to stick with ‘Your Highness’, huh?”

“The higher the better.” She winked.

“Damn, you’re still here but I’m already missing you so much!” Yuta bawled. “Please, come back home! You’ll be safer and happier here, I swear.”

“Agreed.” Lucas and Doyoung said at the same time.

She felt her heart warm up with that. It was awesome living together with them – unfortunately, she didn’t want to put up with all the trouble Johnny brought her, and he sure would. Also, what would she do if he showed up with girls night after night? She couldn’t spend the whole day in the bedroom and the boys would think she was sick or going officially crazy… Yes, of course she could talk about Johnny with any of them, but she didn’t want to. Talking about him would make things more real… And she preferred to ignore it.

“You know I can’t, Yuta.” She was about to change subjects when she earned the puppiest ‘puppy eyes’ look of all them: Taeyong. “Stop, Tae! Don’t look at me like that! It’s not good for the baby.”

“Which baby?” He paled.

“Me.” Her mouth twitched.

Lucas chuckle soon turned into a laugh and soon everyone started laughing too… Everyone but Johnny. His eyes were bored into her, trying to tore her skin and uncover all truth she had hidden – sincerely, with the intensity of that gaze, she wouldn’t be surprised if she was naked.

  Johnny left her mouth, his strong body hovering over her and his hand kept its work. Y/N felt her heart beating loudly thanks to the pleasure.

It had to be the pleasure.

‘We’re not doing things your way.’ She moaned.

‘Are you sure?’ There he was again, being the stupidly arrogant man he was.

‘We’re not.’ Y/N tried to assure her own head.

‘Aw, I think we will.’ His long digit eased its way inside her, making Y/N’s eyes shut automatically. The hideous man! ‘What do you say?’

‘Stop, Youngho, that’s what I say. Stop.’

He paused as instructed but his finger was still in her.

Y/N abruptly shifted on the bed, the wet dream still painfully alive on her memory. She looked to the side – Lucas, as the heavy sleeper he was, didn’t even flinch at her agony. Leaving the mattress, she grabbed her night-robe and decided that the kitchen was the best place to deal with frustrations… Or whatever “wet dreams” should be classified.

  She was in the middle of preparing hot chocolate when she heard steps.

“Oh, you’re here.” Johnny’s voice sent shivers down her spine.

“Youngho.” Y/N breathed in.

“Y/N.”

“Why are you here?”

“Am I not allowed to enter my own kitchen?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m here because I was hungry and smelled chocolate, so I thought Tae was having a midnight-crisis and wanted to bake something to chill out.” He shrugged. “Anyway, mei fortuna, what about you? What made you wake up so early? A wet dream?” He smiled innocently at her, doing his best to look uninterested.

“How the fuck did you know?”

“I’m connected to you, I told you already.”

“Yeah, in a really dumb and weak way.” She sneered. “Stop reading my mind, then.”

“I’m not reading it; what the fuck do you take us for?! We’re not in Twilight!” Johnny crinkled his nose. “You died in lust and greed, that’s why these are more intense in your life now. And, not to be nosy, you need to fuck often.”

“Oh my fucking God.” She rolled her eyes, turning off the stove.

“You’ve been calling Him a lot.”

“Yeah, I found out He’s the only one listening to my complaints, currently.”

“Aren’t your soldiers working hard to grant each one of your wishes?”

“My soldiers?”

“Lucas, Yuta, Taeyong and Doyoung. I’ve never seen them this devoted.”

“They aren’t my soldiers, but I won’t apologize for the way they treat me.” She smiled coyly. “If it bothers you, I suggest you mind your own business, then.”

“It is quite hard to mind my own business when they’ve been all petnames and sugar-coated actions on you.” Johnny stated matter-of-factly. “You don’t need this.”

“What are you trying to suggest? That I don’t deserve to be pampered?!”

“Precisely.” He agreed. “You don’t like that.”

“Do you even listen to yourself sometimes?” She scoffed, offended.

“Mei fortuna, you like roughness and choking, you like playing the femme fatale and you like the idea of being in control even when you know that it ain’t true.” Johnny raised a brow. “Or am I wrong? Do you really enjoy those ‘princesses’ and ‘dears’ and ‘sweethearts’?”

“Judging by this I suppose you call me a whore when you go on with your ‘Mei fortuna’ thing, right?!”

Johnny’s eyes lighted up in surprise. He thought she would know by now, but that wasn’t the case.

“Actually it’s a Latin expression that means ‘My luck’… Since you’re my lucky charm.”

She didn’t mean to be touched by it. She didn’t even like what it represented… But she, somehow, felt her heart getting warm and small.

Oh, for fuck sakes, the man was hideous!

“Hmpf. Well.” She stuck her nose in the air, dismissing him. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Without your hot chocolate?”

“You can have it.”

“Are you coming to the party this Saturday?”

“Perhaps I will.” Y/N disappeared into the hall, leaving Johnny with a smug smile.

It was flattering that she had a wet dream with him and felt bothered by it. He couldn’t wait to put his hands on her again… And he would make sure to do it on Saturday.

  ●●●

Yuta had showed Y/N all the possible souls she could buy or feed off. He knew how to handle her and how to make it all seem less horrible – which she preferred.

“You have to feed yourself, love. Properly.” He had told her, compassion shining on his dark eyes.

Yuta was right, as expected. After corrupting two souls, her body felt stronger, alive. And the feeling was addictive; she wanted to keep doing that for ages.

Congrats Y/N, you’re a hideous being. – her conscience screamed.

A tall man walked past the group she was talking to, the dark blue suit so beautiful and shiny that it caught her attention. Her eyes went straight up to the man’s face… Just to find out he wasn’t a stranger at all. Of course Seo Youngho would be walking around as if he was God himself. They exchanged glances and Y/N felt another type of hunger.

Damn, she would give everything to get dicked down by him (again).

With a handshake, she dismissed her targets and approached Devil.

“Youngho.”

“Y/N. You came.”

“Not really.” She couldn’t help but rejoice in his grin.

“That can be arranged.”

“Oh, I’m afraid it can.” She shook her head positively. “These guys are really easy to convince. In fact, Yuta showed me some of them, and the rest happened almost automatically.”

“So no more gossips? Are you eating properly?”

“Wanna check out?”

“No, no. I might get jealous.” He gave her a half smile. “But I’m glad you’re finally doing it right.” His eyes turned slowly into the devilish cognac colour, shining with wickedness and proudness, and Y/N felt her throat burn with desire.

That man was impossible.

“Isn’t Cassandra around?” Right after asking, Y/N felt stupid and childish.

“Cassiopeia?” Johnny looked at her with humour. “I don’t think she will come. She’s mad at me and I’m not in the mood to deal with humans.”

“But are you in the mood for demons?”

“It depends. Are they female?”

“Maybe…”

“Interesting. What else?”

“It’s just a possibility, though.” Y/N started cautiously. “I mean, you’re really arrogant and I’m still fed up with all that happened months ago – but maybe, and I stress it, maybe, I want us to fuck.” She blushed. “The wet dream and all…”

Johnny smirked.

“Wanna discuss it somewhere private?”

“Please.” She agreed.

  They got inside Johnny’s chamber and Y/N remembered the day she went there for the first time. Apparently, even though she didn’t sleep with him that night, it was bound to happen. And now, luckily, she would lay on that wicked bed and do wicked things with Mr. Wicked.

“Why are you still mad?”

“I’m having a hard time concealing my demon shit with my previous life. Now that I’m eating properly, it downed on me it’s real, you know?!”

“Yeah, it is tricky in the beginning.” He chuckled. “But I don’t see why you should stay mad at that, nor at me.”

“Oh, of course you only turned me into this, but where’s the problem, huh?!”

“Are we having this conversation again?”

“Well, I apologize for not fully adapting into a life I didn’t ask for!” Her tone was sarcastic, but the way her brows knotted together made her just cute.

He could feel her anger and her lust… Oh, she was so adorable! He couldn’t help himself.

“Y/N, look, I know you didn’t ask for it and I know you’re annoyed by what happened but there’s no way to reverse it. So, instead of being bitter and petty forever, why don’t you enjoy what was given to you? You have powers, you can manipulate lives and destinies… And you have me.”

“What?” Her jaw dropped.

“Well, I’m here to fuck you senseless, aren’t I?”

“I-I kinda hope so… I guess.”

“Then let’s close the topic. After I'll fuck your brains out, I think you’ll be able to see things clearer, alright?” Johnny locked the door. “Now be a good girl and strip for me. This skirt is driving me nuts.” He gestured to her leather skirt.

Her hands went to the clothing piece, but she stopped mid-way.

“What?” Johnny inquired.

“I was thinking… I’ve stripped for you once and did a lap dance.” She tilted her head to the side. “Would it be too greedy of me if I ask you to take them off yourself?”

He hesitated for a brief second, then smirked.

“It would be a pleasure.”

Y/N felt her heart beating fast while he approached her – those long fingers going straight to her cropped top. Her boobs fell down, free from the fabric, and Johnny’s mouth watered at the sight. He played with one nipple, feather touches, just to tease. Y/N was too focused on his alcoholic yellow eyes to try to make him stop with the teasing.

“You make me so thirsty, Youngho.”

Something in the way she said his name – as if it was a prayer – ignited him inside.

“For what?” One of his hands travelled up to her chin, cupping it.

“For cognac.” She closed her eyes and breathed in. “For kisses.” And then when she looked at him again, her irises were also yellow. “For you.”

He kissed her urgently, passionately, violently. It had been months since he felt something like that… Something so right. It couldn’t be just because he transformed her; he had that feeling long before. However, Johnny didn’t want to analyse anything but her body… Well, not yet. He tugged on her skirt, pulling it down slowly. Stopping the kiss to look at her in her burgundy lace set, he sighed contently. Oh, he would devour her.

“What?” Y/N questioned.

“Nothing. It’s just that you are too pretty for your own good.”

“And you’re too dressed for my own good.” She giggled.

“Well, do you want me to strip?” His voice was pure mockery, but his eyes were predatory.

“If you’d ever be so kind, sir.”

“Oh.” He smiled, his body beginning to withdraw from hers. “Then if you allow me to be greedy too, I have a request.”

“I thought you were the boss here.”

“Normally, yes. But once in a lifetime I can let someone else play the role… That being said, can you call me ‘Youngho’ or ‘Johnny’ as for tonight? Nothing about ‘sir’ or ‘Devil’.”

“That’s an odd request coming from you, sir, but I can comply.”

“Alright. Now that we’re settled, maybe you should sit down… I won’t be able to catch you if you faint while I strip.” He blinked in fake innocence, which made Y/N grin.

She didn’t want to argue with him right now. They were teasing each other and it felt good, not resentful like it has been for the past months. Even though calling him by his name would make things way more intimate, she couldn’t bring herself to care. Also, she needed a proper fuck. She needed someone like Johnny; and she didn’t want to ruin everything before she had an orgasm. 

When Y/N sat down on his bed and it was as if she was embraced by pure lust. She touched the black satin sheets and smiled to herself… She had a set that looked like that, and it was her favourite one. Then she looked up and forgot how to breathe. Handsome boys undressing from their suits should be elected as the first of the Seven Wonders of the World. After taking out his jacket, Johnny started unbuttoning his shirt, loving the way Y/N followed his fingers as if she was under hypnosis. He threw it aside, hands now on his belt, and Y/N licked her lips.

“Holy fuck, let me do it.” She reached out for him, but he slapped her hand.

“No, no. This is my time to shine, mei fortuna. You asked for a strip and you’ll get one.”

“You’re taking too long!”

“You took two months and a whole ass song! I’m not even gonna take four minutes.”

“My tongue is impatient.” She nagged. “Please, Youngho.”

“What does your tongue have to do with it?”

“I want to lick every inch of you, that’s the problem!”

He chuckled, finding her eagerness so adorable that he gave up. “Oh, ok then. Guess you can control now.”

Y/N wanted to take her time with his body, so she started from his neck. Getting up, she let her hands touch his shoulders while her mouth went to his chin and collarbones. Oh, he was delicious and addictive! What a horrible, hideous man! Johnny’s chest rose, breathing in, closing his eyes to enjoy the caress properly. Her tongue left small licks all over his torso, getting lazier with every step further down, next to his belt. One warm hand got rid of his trousers in a quick move, leaving him with his underwear. Y/N smiled to herself, undressing him from his last piece of clothes. Without warning, she swirled her tongue over his shaft, receiving a raspy grunt in response. She looked up, repeating the movement, slower. Youngho sighed, feeling shivers run through his body. He watched, mesmerised, Y/N start to suck him off, swallowing him as far as she could handle. He tightened the grip on her head, but not moving at all, because it was her time to dictate the rhythm. Her large nails clawed at his thighs and the shivers intensified. He let out a loud groan as Y/N squeezed her testicles lightly, testing them. Johnny leaned against the wall, succumbing to the pleasure, but his attention remained on her, unable to take his eyes off the wonderful scene that Y/N was sucking his dick.

She guided his wrist to her hair, not really needing to “be in control” to make him cum. Johnny accepted it as if he needed to be tugging on her hair tightly for his life. He kept her head still and started to fuck her mouth. Y/N looked up again, and her eyes were so lustful that it was more than he could bear; Youngho was never prepared to see her as beautiful and disposed as she was in sex. He really wanted her to be in Louvre, the most precious paint to ever be shown.

“Can I cum in your mouth, mei fortuna?” He asked, wiping a small tear from her eye, his thumb caressing her cheekbone while he kept thrusting inside.

She shook her head positively the best she could, due to their position. It didn’t take much to make Johnny cum – he got out slightly, so he could see his seed filling her mouth. It was all too erotic, too lustful, so right. He watched Y/N eagerly lick her mouth, giggling. Without giving him more time to take enjoy of the scene, Y/N stood up.

“I think you should lay down, Youngho.”

“Anything you want, love.” Johnny mocked her, doing as she suggested. “What are you going to ride tonight?”

Y/N tried to pretend she wasn’t surprised he guessed what was going to happen. “Your face, and then your cock... If you behave.”

Johnny chuckled. “The only noise you’re going to listen from me is my mouth devouring you, I promise.”

It took her a deep breath to start moving. Her heart was beating so fast and she was so anxious to have his mouth on hers that she, for a moment, thought she wouldn’t handle it. Y/N passed one leg on either side of his face, slowly going down before sitting on that pretty mouth. His tongue began to move, the friction and speed so wonderful that it made her moan loudly. That was so much better than what she had imagined. Holding on the headboard, Y/N tried to focus entirely on the sensations. Youngho licked her like a lazy cat, sucking ever so often on her clit and letting one hand rest on her thigh. When she felt fully enchanted, her hips started moving slightly, riding his face as she had warned before. Johnny growled, his tongue speeding up.

“If you suffocate, please just throw me aside.”

He pushed his face further on her pussy, as a response. Y/N’s eyes flew shut, the orgasm building quickly. Oh, the hideous man he was! Her body just couldn’t get enough of him! She gasped, tipping her head back, enjoying the tight grip on her stomach. Somehow, he smacked her butt and it was everything she needed to fall into the pool of pleasure.

Johnny didn’t wait for Y/N to calm down. He gently pushed her to the side and sat down, bringing her to his lap, kissing her hungrily. In a matter of second, she was already aligning herself in his member. His eyes brightened in anticipation. It was incredible how anything made by her became an intense erotic act. Her breasts arched forward while she sunk on his dick, and he took them in his hands, squeezed them, sucking her nipples and leaving little bites that made Y/N moan loudly. He stared at the spot where they met, feeling pure bliss. The first thrust was so precise that she ran out of air. Only Johnny could touch her in the right way, make her feel right. At that moment, while the two were together, Y/N did not think about her problems or their complicated relationship; she concentrated only on Youngho and all the wonderful things that made her feel. How desperate she had been for him, and it seemed to get worse over time. Staring into his alcoholic eyes, Y/N began rock against him, increasing their pleasure. She was still sensitive from the past orgasm and that was enough to make her hungry for another. Johnny grabbed her hip, the noise of thrusts being louder than the grunts and gasps they let loose. She ran her hands down his tanned backs then wrapped them around his neck, still grinding, but she lost some speed as he lowered his face and sucked one of her nipples. It was hard to focus on only one place in her burning body. She began to quiver, her nails digging into his shoulder and indicating her orgasm.

“Here.” Youngho took her hands on his, intertwining their fingers. “To keep you steady, love.”

The petname was too much.

He should come back with ‘Mei fortuna’ or anything that remembered her of who they truly was… But ‘Love’ was too much. ‘Love’ made her heart feel warm and melt. ‘Love’ made her think she could never stay a day without looking at those yellow eyes.

Y/N gave in to the spasms and searched for air as she reached her high – she was far away, plunged into absolute delight. No more than a minute later, she felt Johnny's arms hold her down, laying her on her back while he climbed up and shoved into her again. Y/N let out a little shriek from the surprise thrust. The strength in which he held her would leave marks, but Youngho was too eager for release to care. When he came, he moaned loud his hips slowing down only a bit. He grinned, sticking his forehead to hers and opened his eyes.

“One time I heard Lucifer is the prettiest being alive.” She murmured, hypnotised. “Are you sure your name is Youngho?”

“I am, Y/N.”

“Damn, if he is prettier than you than I hope to never meet him.”

Johnny couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s good when you don’t die after we fuck.”

“It only happened once.” She groaned. “Are you really going to ruin the mood?”

“It keeps me from doing something crazy.”

“Such as?”

“Asking you to move back home… Asking you to stay.” He shrugged, getting out of her.

Y/N sat down, shocked. “What to do you mean?”

“I thought fucking you would make you come to your senses, but turns out it backfired.”

“Youngho, I don’t have time for metaphors.”

“Maybe demons do fall in love, Y/N, and maybe I’ve fallen for you.”

She choked, too surprised to answer or pretend to be fine with what he said.

“And maybe that’s why you didn’t officially die when I corrupted you.” Youngho ruffled his hair, wiping a bit of the sweat off. “I don’t know, honestly. Nothing like this happened to my friends that corrupted beings of light, but none of them felt this drawn into their victims.” He approached her, holding her chin up and looking into her now yellow eyes. “When we met… When you left two months ago… It was you from the beginning, Just Y/N, not your light.”

Oh, the hideous, horrible man!

And just like that, he had her heart wrapped around his finger.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

i havent been here in a hot second is there a reason for the makoto hate specifically? like the rants go back to p5's writing issues but the spite for makoto seems very specific did she kill someones dog in one of the spinoffs or what?

You're all good. So here's the thing, she did kill my dog-I'm joking.

When I say “I’m the residential #1 Makoto Hater” it’s a joke, partially cause it probs looks that way (and probs cause it might be true, who knows if you could quantify hate then maybe I’m at the top of the leaderboards 8U but you can’t so we’ll never know). But I’m saying it at as a joke, to own myself and everyone here that knows what I think of her, rather than wear it as a badge of honor or some silliness. It’s just a “oh haha yeah there goes Silly, dunking on Makoto again! She’s basically Makoto’s #1 hater haha oh she’s so silly.” (so please don’t look too deep into it, I just want to have fun).

Anyway, me hating Makoto isn’t new, but I do hold a similar ire towards Futaba, Goro (tho I have camaraderie with his fans, I relate to their struggle in terms of my own brown hair and red eye fav and Atlus screwing them over u_u I may hate your fave but I respect you and will be in your corner), and Yukari (as well as Chloe from LiS if you want a non-Persona example). Makoto might be talked about more because 1) She hits my buttons that much faster (Futaba/Goro are more like a festering wound, and when I talk about them it’s hard to pick a starting point), 2) Her fans tendency (early on in the fandom) bringing her up frequently.....was a bad combo with #1 (overexposure+pushing all my buttons really fast=disaster). Obvie not blaming her fans, but it was hard to curate how I was able to curate my content online (esp with gaming news websites calling her “best girl” when showing off a figure announcement or some BS when I just want to know what new games have been announced >.> I can do without you trying to start a waifu war in the comments Siliconera -_-)

Anyway, I think I’ve made my reasons for hating her very clear (you just have to search her name on my blog and you’ll get a ton of essays I’m sure, too many to count). And a lot of it is the failure of P5′s writing. “So it’s just the writing you hate, not the character.” No. Because that doesn’t make sense. Except under certain circumstances (which I’ll provide examples of below with Luke Skywalker), you can’t separate the writing from the character. The character IS the writing, the writing IS the character. If you can’t hate/dislike the char because “of the writing” then you also can’t love/like them either. The character and the writing/writing choices for that character are connected. The writing embodies that character. They are the same.

Now I said there was an exception, and that’s....”different writer/director,” tho it’s not ALWAYS the case (sometimes the new writer really gets the original writing, like Saito for MM.....they are very good at emulating the clusterfuck of P5′s writing). P5′s writing is the original basis for Makoto’s character, that’s her. You can’t separate it from her. Same thing with say....Luke Skywalker from the OG trilogy, that’s him. But then we get to the sequel/Disney trilogy, new writer/director....and yeah that’s a mess (from what I understand OG trilogy=Hopeful and tries to see the best in people, 2nd Disney=Cynic and tried to kill a child, 3rd Disney=Hopeful again for some reason). There’s character development, then there’s just straight up changing the character just cause you need them to be this now. 

*writes how this can apply to Persona spinoffs but deletes because I was getting too off track* Look at me exercising control. It’s probs best I save that for a meta after I’ve replayed all the spinoffs again.

But....if you want me to boil down my issues with Makoto, I hate the message we get from her. I hate the lesson we learn from her. What is supposed to happen vs what happens.  It’s supposed to be about a girl who is blindly following authority and becomes disillusioned with it after being burned by it, on top of “immense pressure” she has as well, and then comes to our side (we know this because Atlus told us). We don’t get that (we know this because we saw the execution). We get two adults, yes TWO ADULTS, one of which is her sister and wants her to do well in school (but isn’t like.....a tiger mom about it, because Sae can’t be TOO horrible because we need to like her later), who in retrospect seems very busy with her job (which gives Makoto freedom), but also feels burdened by her younger sister (in which she has one shitty slip with her and then NEVER again). And the other is a dumbass principal who asks a really strange and stupid task for Makoto that snowballs into bullshit. That’s IT! THAT’S IT! That’s all we get from Makoto and “authority.” Strawmen. We don’t really get much of her personality either (I’m not saying that cause “she’s cardboard” I legit just.....don’t get her? Like I don’t get enough of her to get a solid foundation, you get me?) Like as the player, what we see of her is she’s just studying in the library (Kamo arc), then the principal calls her in, she mentions the rumors about Kamo, he asks her to look into the PT in exchange for a recommendation (to which she’s surprised and says thanks, not no, she looks like she’ll accept JUST BASED ON THAT) but before she can even say Yes (OR NO) he threatens Makoto with her sister, to which Makoto hardens and then agrees. Then she acts like an asshole and yadda yadda stuff happens.

But if she’s supposed to blindly follow authority, she’d say yes, but then they don’t let the character breathe so she can make the “wrong” choice because the Principal goes STRAIGHT to threatening her.......so now the message is muddled, or really it’s non existent. The whole Sae thing is a nothing bag too, it’s just family drama. Her sister is, no HAS to be absent a lot for her work, just so Makoto can have the freedom to be a PT....which means....it hurts her lack of freedom and other stuff associated with Sae being a big pressure on Makoto’s life. You know, I’ve said before they’ve squandered Sae, and that Makoto’s presence really harmed Sae (iirc it was this post). But at the same time, how they handled Sae really screws up Makoto’s character. Neither are allowed to breathe. Neither are allowed to make a true, horrible choice...and then learn from it. They aren’t allowed to have an actual arc. Altus played it safe, took choice away from them, didn’t want to take risks with either character and have meaning. Instead we just have this nothing contradiction thing dicking around until they join our team. 

What really sucks about that....is we got that with the Kamo arc. With Anne, Ryuji, even Yuki and Shiho. Kamo was manipulative, and his manipulation caused people to make....not the best choices, all out of a means to survive. Ryuji physically acted against Kamo, and he got his leg broken, team disbanded, and outcasted. Anne was trying to protect Shiho’s position on the team, which lead to her almost getting harmed by Kamo, Shiho getting harmed, her not seeing the truth about what was going on around her, and she didn’t tell Shiho (because she didn’t want Shiho to think she didn’t get on the team for her own merits), and so on. Shiho didn’t tell Anne what was going on because she wanted to protect Anne from Kamo (and was afraid Anne would, very much blame herself), and her and Yuki and the rest of the teams helped keep quiet about Kamo so they wouldn’t be next on the physical chopping block. This isn’t me blaming them, this is me showing their choices, their attempts to fix their (hopeless) situation, to help themselves or others, and the dramatic irony being it just made everything worse. BUT, even tho Kamo was the real one to blame, each character is aware of the actions that were made, and the consequences of each action (esp Anne/Ryuji/Shiho). And in their CoOps, they identify this, and take strides to learn from it so it doesn’t happen again. That’s an arc. That’s character development. They were allowed to make errors, mistakes, decisions that negatively impacted themselves/other’s. We see a solid foundation of their character from the get go, and how it changes over that small time. We don’t get that with Makoto. The group is like solid concrete to Makoto who is like shifting sand. 

Sorry got a bit off topic, anyway, I hate her message of boasting about her fighting ability but she only harms her friends (outside of shadows, but that’s not special) WHILE ALSO being a damsel that needs someone else to rescue her! I hate how when she gets called out, she wants to drop it, and gives gaslighty apologies, even tho she really ROYALLY screwed lot of people very badly. I hate how she demands us to help, only to literally be a detriment to our investigation. I hate how she gets to fly off the handle without repercussions (despite needing to be cool calm and collected for her job, especially since she miraculously can do that when needed so what the hell????). I hate how the text has her be shitty, say shitty things, be bad at her job, but will turn around and reward her time and time again. 

Sure she doesn’t break the lore like Futaba, or unravel P5′s plot like Goro. But as a character with a message attached to her, even ones that the creators surely overlooked (I’m sure they didn’t intend for her to only hit her friends), it’s simple but very annoying. Fast and easy to see, doesn’t require me to think of P5′s lore as well as the grander Persona lore. Doesn’t require me to dig through text for Goro bread crumbs and then unravel the entire basis of the P5 plot thanks to him. Makoto is easier to get into, it’s smaller scale and more personal I guess. 

[sasslightertm-a]

ooookay, so, some bullshit™ happened earlier this past week and I’m annoyed and pissed. incoming rant/vent under the cut (with screenshots used by permission).

As most of you who have been following me long enough probably know by now, there is a Charmed Discord server and I was in it for a while until I left in early January 2019, for reasons that will be discussed later. The main mod runs a few Charmed rp blogs here on Tumblr, we did have a few threads planned out together, and eventually after I left the Discord server it got to a point where I felt uncomfortable seeing her posts on my dash so I quietly unfollowed and deleted our thread I’d had in my drafts (which had been sitting there for months by this point anyway because I am slow af). Shortly after I unfollwed her, she unfollowed me without so much a message of “Would you be interested in continuing any threads?”.

This mod, while I was in the server, also created a venting/ranting group Google doc against another Charmed roleplayer who has been around for years and had been in the server as well but also left for much the same reasons I later did (namely, feeling unwelcome within the server). (The Google doc has since been deleted, I believe.)

Which brings me to the main point of this post. One of my close friends/mutuals noticed this mod and the roleplayer starting to interact again when both of them had unfollowed each other for months beforehand after the mod decided this roleplayer was Toxic™.

Uh-huh, sure, I find it very hard to believe you told her about the call-out Google doc and everything in it and she was perfectly understanding about it. I also have yet to hear an apology at all from this mun when 1) the most we would do is talk OOC anyway; 2) my Chris and Bilie were constantly ignored despite me showing interest in some of her wishlist ideas; and 3) any threads we did have would only get two replies in if I was lucky and were then dropped. So I unfollowed ages ago and moved on with other mutuals, and at this point it’s honestly not worth it.

And no, sorry, the server was not inactive when I left it back in early/mid January. Everyone was either in the general, headcanons, or venting channels And yes, any time anyone responded to me it was because I or my friend had said something they wanted to argue with or turn into a headcanon about their own next-generation muses. Also? For all y’all would squee over white US-American YouTuber cover artists or Korean boybands (despite none of you speaking a word of Korean), or the mod occasionally slipping into Arabic and then translating when one of us would ‘???’, the instant I try and share a cover by an amazing Turkish musical-theater singer who speaks German and does German-language musicals (said cover was in English, by the way), or the instant I would talk about something I learned in one of my German classes (despite most of my ancestry being, y’know, German [and for the record, said German ancestors came over to the States in the 1800s, so don’t even go there])... dead silence. 

1) oh my gods I’m howling. Thanks for admitting most of the people in the server hate me just because they found my fanfiction and that I like to write dark-themed fics and smut. Out of curiosity, was it one of my FF.net accounts (my main, my Charmed-fic-centric one, or my dark!AU Tenth Doctor-fic-centric one) or was it my AO3? (Also way to go for basically admitting that yup, you’re all a bunch of antis and really be drinking the evangelical fundamentalist Christian purity culture Kool-Aid.)

and btw, saying “complete transparency?” like that is just code for “I’m about to be a petty bitch and you’re not going to want to hear it, but too late.”

also, what, like none of you have ever wanted to write kinky smutty fanfic just because it’s fun and lets you work out various fantasies that may or may not be inherently transgressive? as far as I’m aware I was one of maybe two other people in that server who identify as asexual so don’t even try and say any of youse are sex-repulsed aces.

my smutfic isn’t even that kinky, but go off, I guess

tbh they also probably hate me bc I called them out over their misuse of the word “pedophilia” in regards to this one particular scene in a teen drama TV show between fictional teenage characters being portrayed by adult actors that airs on a network aiming for a 18 to 49-year-old demographic, and the mod and I would disagree over various things concerning US-American Wicca, but hey, it’s easier to just go after my fanfiction and say they hate me because of the fanfics, right?

speaking of that scene they were so up-in-arms about, don’t even try and tell me real-life allosexual teenagers are not horny and don’t have sex with other teenagers, because coming from a state with one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy (where more often than not both would-be parents are teenagers of or around the same age), I will not believe you

like, seriously, do NONE of you remember ever being horny and hormonal as a teenager, or...? 

2) Stop trying to make this an argument that needs to be won, because it isn’t. Also? By the time I left the Charmed Discord server didn’t even feel like a Charmed server anyway, so. There’s that.

3) My friend is right and she should say it.

A few things here: 

How does any of that sound accusatory when it’s true and my friend calmly laying out how she felt about the situation??

Again, stop trying to make this into an argument or personal attack because it isn’t. And not every single conversation is a debate that needs to be won.

“I was half joking”, uh-huh, yeah, riiiiight. Also? How is it any of your business how she decides to run her blog and curtail it so she feels safe on her own dash??? Especially when you don’t even follow or interact with her anymore?? Hell, I softblock people myself who are either inactive and just taking up my follower account, or are personal/fandom blogs who I just don’t want interacting with me. And if you follow me but don’t make any motion to interact, then yeah I’m probably going to softblock you too after posting a heads-up that I’ll be cleaning out my follower count.

And the best part??? Immediately after all this the mod/mun made a post on her blog saying how she doesn’t put up with passive-aggressiveness or manipulation. How the fuck is my friend/mutual being passive-aggressive or manipulative???? 

I’m sorry, but no, you do not get to do that. I see what you did there, and it is not okay. And I am glad I don’t have to deal with any of this mun’s bullshit anymore, or most of the people in the server, apparently. They blocked me solely because they found my kinky darkfic? Fine, great, it’s not like any of them ever interacted with any of my muses anyway and I don’t want to deal with them either. (But also... I made it clear on the server that I also write a dark eldritch!AU Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who and they all knew I have a sideblog for the canon evil version of Chris Halliwell so how exactly was it a surprise that I like writing fanfiction with darker themes and grey areas?)

Anyway, no, that language used on my friend was not called for at all. Neither was trying to make her out to be the aggressor when anyone who’s chatted with her OOC for long enough knows that even doing this much is hard emotionally for her. This was also not an argument that absolutely had to be won so quit trying to turn everything into an argument to make yourself look better. And ooh, boy, tone policing on top of that. That last response was classic “I know you’re right but I don’t want to admit it so I’m just gonna say something to make myself look like I came out on top.”

Nah. 

There’s the door. Make sure it hits you on the way out.

[forte7]

Forte’s Fan Character Flashback Friday - #7

Name:: Valarie Masters Series: Danny Phantom Background: Holey moley guacamole! I missed Fan Character Flashback Friday! I mean... today is a Friday, but I was supposed to post this last week! Dangit! I'm sorry! Things are kinda crazy on my end still and it only dawned on me today that I had forgotten to do something - and it was this.

A thousand apologies for my tardiness, but going on about that still won't get this posted.

I've actually been waiting to post this character because I KNOW I had old art of her SOMEWHERE around and I cannot, for the life of me, find it, and unfortunately, I'm down in Texas right now to help out my aunt and uncle so I can't even continue looking for the physical copies of said old art if it even still exists. I KNOW it exists, because I used to post art for this character on a Danny Phantom fan forum I would RP on and heck, I even found that old forum, managed to log in to see if any of those old links still worked, and NOPE.

Guess I deleted them off the Photobucket I once had them on at some point and where the physical copies are, I'm not sure, because I don't remember seeing them when going through my old drawing binders.

It's really quite frustrating.

Anyway, this is Valarie, who I named forgetting about the actual Valerie Grey character from the series, cause the name fit the general bad fan character naming system of "it starts with the same letter of the character I like and is kinda similar, so I'll go with it".  I kept it anyway, cause little me reasoned, "well, this Valarie spells it with two As while the other is with an A and an E, so it's fine."

Just kinda funny that they're both linked to Vlad though, so yay, I guess? Hahah, I dunno.

Anywho, Valarie was set up/designed to be Vlad's daughter, but not even his biological daughter, though not a clone like some of my other fan characters, though with things that happen later in the actual series, it would actually be... possible/viable. Instead, she was a extraordinary creation of the Ghost Zone and was more or less "born" of the supernatural energies that construct that dimension.

I guess you can kind of compare her existence to that of Maria from Silent Hill 2. The Born from a Wish scenario kind of implies that Maria was manifested by the town using James' subconscious memories and feelings regarding his wife. Valarie, in the same vein, was manifested by the Ghost Zone, for whatever reason, to help placate Vlad's need and want for a family of his own.

Mind you, this entire backstory was cobbled together before Kindred Spirits introduced Dani Phantom and her entire storyline... which... is.... kinda the same, really, to Valarie's, and I remember at the time, was kind of mad about it back in the day.

Speaking of Dani Phantom, I remember how a lot of people were mad about Butch Hartman's apparent laziness in her character design and creation, cause it was pretty akin to many "bad fan characters" that you see out there, which, hey, I won't deny; that's what this whole Flashback thing I do is about, but you know, this just serves as a good example of the fact that pretty much... everyone does this. Everyone makes bad fan characters, even for their own things, so I think it's just more healthy for people to realize this and embrace it, hahaha.

Going back to Valarie - she's more or less a person who exists to help Vlad chill the fuck out and maybe not ruin things for everyone or everything. A more recent reason I came up with for this was that Clockwork and/or The Observants that are seen in the Ultimate Enemy special with Dark Danny foresaw Vlad's ambitions proving to be too troublesome in the future, so to prevent this from causing way more havoc than it's worth, even with Danny around to stop him or whatever, they're like "hey just throw him a kid; that'll keep him busy a little, right?"

Even with her supernatural origins, Valarie is half-human and half-ghost like Vlad and looks much like him thanks to just her being a physical manifestation of one of his subconscious desires. Physically, she’s about seven or eight years old and generally acts playful, though polite, but can occasionally come off as spoiled.

She shares many of her father’s sentiments towards various issues and people, though it’s safe to assume she doesn’t fully understand his reasoning for those feelings due to how young she is. For example, she harbors a dislike for Jack, though finds his clumsiness more amusing than idiotic and only really says she hates him because Vlad does.

In regards to Danny, she likes him and finds him fun to play with, but in her terms, that means toying around with him. Despite her small size, she can hold her own in battle and has a good handle on her ghost powers and won’t hesitate to use them to pull pranks or harass other people, especially if she has or is told to. Her antics can be described as impish while in ghost form, though she likes to feign innocence if caught.

A big point of curiosity with her is her memory; she has no memory of a time before not “being” and has no real answer when asked about her childhood. She doesn’t seem bothered by this lack of knowledge and usually shrugs it off, intent that she exists because she does; she feels no need to question it further. For her things are simple: if her father is happy, she’s happy. Be this just some childish thought process or some more ingrained sense of purpose because of her strange origins is up for debate.

More was actually done with this character than others and like I said, there used to be old sketches of her about. If I ever find them (and I hope I do, really), I’ll be sure to post them.

But aside from that, like I said, I did role play with this character on a Danny Phantom fan thread and boy was that a cringy time. I will admit now, that back then, when I was like 12 or whatever, I was an obnoxious brat who didn’t know how to really socialize or what she was doing on the Internet. Hahaha, when going back there to find the old image links, I ventured onto some of my older posts and…. Whooooo boy, no thank you.

I know at that point I did also write short fanfics from time to time, but I think those might be locked on boot drives from our old computers and don’t have a way of looking for them now either. For those, if I ever do find them, I might also post them, but it all depends on just HOW much cringe I want to trudge up and share, hahaha.

I know I’ve been ranting a lot now and it’s already now past Friday, even for the time zone I’m in, but I’m gonna go on a little side story as… an apology, though it just means a bit more ranting.

When I said I RPed on this site, I can’t actually say a lot of actual character development happened. I don’t remember what the system was for RPing canon show characters and the times they did pop up, it was on a situational basis, because more people were interested in playing their own character and pretty much everyone on that forum had half-ghost, half-human characters that had their powers for one reason or another.

There was one thread that was particularly popular though that I spent a lot of time in with most of the other players, called Halfa High, so it was just kids in high school. Characters, like mine, that were younger than high school age, had various reasons for being there, like they’re super geniuses or they have a sibling there they’ve come to see or something like that; it’s a fandom RP so anything can happen. Most of the stuff in here, because it was 12-14 or whatever year olds, was just characters pairing up with each other, cause I guess that’s just what kids care about, hahaha. I don’t know, I’m just an old lady now.

Anyway, this thread went on for a good number of pages and eventually they started a second one. And then they had one where everyone went to summer camp, so other weird adventures could be had without the confines of going to school.

This was the one I remember doing the most in though frankly, I don’t remember what the overarching storyline was at the time, though I don’t think I knew what was really going on back in the day either.

One of the big points I do remember was the fact that many of the people on this forum looked up to one particular member, who I’ll call Susan, because that was her character’s name. I’m pretty sure she was in her early 20s at this time, so a lot of the younger people gravitated towards her because she was mature and knew how to keep things moving in terms of RP story; she was more or less the main storyteller of the Halfa threads, coming up with a lot of the plot points and twists. She was also just popular cause she had been there for a while, I think, and she was a pretty good artist on the forum.

She wasn’t necessarily a bad person and usually always open to adapting an RP to involve suggested ideas, but I remember at the time, I was super jealous of her. One, because she did have really good art and I felt like a poo-poo artist and two, because she seemed to have a lot of sway in terms of what she wanted to happen in most scenarios, so much so, it was treated as forum canon that her character was married to Dark Danny and had two kids with him.

Nowadays, of course, I don’t give a damn. Whatever. But back then, it was annoying to me. And I guess some part of me wanted to pair my characters with Older Dan. I remember actually being openly mad about it on the forums and to her in private messages about it and did get in trouble for being a salty, little brat for it. One time, I even wrote a bitter fanfic that was less than subtle in regards to it, but I remember cooling my jets enough for them to not just full out ban me.

Like I said, I was obnoxious back then; it’s a phase all kids go through I guess, cause I see it in kids that age even now.

Anyway, this actually developed into a story point in the RP when I agreed to not be such an Angsty Annie about the whole thing and the Halfa Summer Camp thread took some weird turns. Besides the usual pairing of everyone’s characters with one another and other summer camp-y hijinks, it had time travel, an evil group that were named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and political unrest regarding a ghostly royal family.

The royal family, of course, consisted of Susan and Dan, and their two kids. They had a son and a little girl, who I don’t remember the names of in the slightest. Susan got crowned? Queen of the Ghost Zone after she and some members of some Ghost Council? Were able to seal away Pariah Dark… and in that timeline, Dan was a fugitive, so they got married in secret and still managed to have secret relations enough to have their two kids.

But see, that was in the future of the Ghost Zone, which was like 20-30 years away from the time of the events of the actual RP. Why they were going back in time, I don’t remember, but I think it was something to do with Clockwork sending them back or something, who knows.

Valarie, however, is also technically part of the Ghost Royal Family (cause that’s a thing here…. hahaha), because I guess Susan was… Vlad’s niece? Somehow? So that made her and Valarie cousins, but because Susan was the one who sealed the Big Bad away, that meant she got to be Queen, just… because? There will be a lot of uncertainty with this recollection, cause again, heck if I actually knew or know what happened then.

Anyway, I guess in the uhm… present timeline, Susan was going to summer camp and this was before her and Danny were even a thing, cause doesn’t happen until they’re adults? I think, but she runs into a version of Dan that’s… in between him being a teenage and the future version that’s married to Susan… and… there was some contention with that, but again, I don’t remember what…

But eventually, everyone’s future selves end up appearing at summer camp, again for their own various reasons, along with Susan’s future kids, who get caught up in things, mainly because of misunderstanding and people having grudges and just wanting to kill other people without talking it out.

This loops back to my annoyance with Susan getting her character paired with a major canon character and the aforementioned political unrest, because it led to Older Valarie being a quiet, hardened soldier with a hidden, strong, but deeply unrequited love for Dan, which of course, causes a bit of tension with her and Susan, who is the Queen in the future. Also, apparently, I guess? There was a Ghost War or something? In the future or at some point that they set up a Royal Guard and Army, cause Valarie was more or less the Captain of all that, along with the personal trainer of the eldest son of the Royal Family. Future Susan, of course, is fine with her being in such a position of power cause I guess she’s proved it by this point and she doesn’t know of Valarie’s feelings for her husband, so it’s all right as rain as long as she just… stews about it silently to herself, because that is totally the healthy thing to do.

Older Valarie also goes back in time though, because eventually, people start coming across the aforementioned Four Horsemen, which aren’t really horsemen, because they don’t even have horses, but again, are named after them and are supposed to be the “living embodiments” of their namesake. So we have super powerful characters named War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death running around for… reasons? That I can’t even remember. Certain members’ characters are actually the younger versions of the Four before they’re… corrupted? Or something like that and given those names and most the people who turn into whichever, of course, have to fight their evil, older selves cause that’s cool or whatever.

Younger Valarie, at the time, was just hanging about and I guess fawning over a teenage Danny or the in between Dan (this is just as confusing to remember as it is to read, trust me), and I think makes friends with the Future Prince and Princess, who again are running around. I think the Prince was there to try and find Dan, because he believes he? Killed his father? Even though Dan is his father? And Dan was there anyway to protect the younger version of his future wife…? And the Princess was there just cause she wanted her mom, which is Future Susan, who went back to… do…. Something…?

But anyway, Younger Valarie ends up getting approached by her future self, who had originally come to serve her duty as Captain of the Royal Guard and protect Future Queen Susan, but eventually starts to realize that she could perhaps mess with the past to change things to the way she really wants them (even though I know now that would probably create some annoying paradox but please don’t get me on time paradoxes cause we’ve been here long enough already), so she starts to put it in her younger self’s head that everything going on here isn’t fair and she should do more than just be obedient and trusting and take whatever Susan says without question, because by not being more open and honest about your feelings just leads to a life of misery, pain and loneliness.

However, Younger Valarie just doesn’t get why she would say these things and rejects that line of thinking, which kinda makes Older Valarie snap and be like “okay, fine, I guess I’ll just go kill some peeps and then you’ll see what I mean”... I mean, I think? She does try to stop influencing her younger self and try to take matters into her own hands though.

Because at one point, we did have it where Older Valarie confronts Older Susan about her deep, dark hidden feelings, and they get into a fight over it, especially after Older Valarie threatens to go kill the Prince, but being a trained soldier and the Captain of the Royal Guard, Older Valarie does kick Older Queen Susan’s butt, but I think… is interrupted by one of the Four, that being War.

I think Older Dan also comes in at some point and chides Older Valarie for her actions, but heck if I remember. To be honest, if I fully cared and wanted to really relive some cringe, I could probably go to the forum and just read over the whole thread, but that was like 200+ (if not more) of pages and I…. do not feel like doing that, hahaha.

Anyway, Older Valarie and War end up getting into a fight, because it turns out War himself has some issue with Older Valarie. And it turns out that he used to be like her second in command? Or something? Who disappeared while on a mission and ended up into some spoopy, dark, dangerous, evil place, where he got corrupted and turned into War and it turns out he was okay with it, because he was also angry and bitter, cause surprise! He himself had feelings for Older Valarie, but poor guy got friendzoned and his attempts went unnoticed because she instead had feelings for Older Dan, because love triangles are also a cool plot twist to do, cause why not, I guess.

Uhm… I think during this fight was when Older Valarie started to notice the error? Of her ways? Or something like that after seeing one of her closest subordinates fall into darkness, so her story shifts to trying to get War to remember who he used to be. This character did have an original name, but I totally forget what it was… Anyway, War claims that there’s nothing she can do because he embraced and was more than willing to give up his soul or whatever for the power to actually make Older Valarie notice him or something.

I… actually don’t remember much past this point, though. I want to say she did end up getting through to him, but that might just be me rewriting history. That character, though, was more or less being set up to give someone for Young Valarie to pair with and I do thing there was a present day or at least an uncorrupted version of that character pop up at one point….

But besides that, I don’t even remember if that RP was finished, mainly because I think I started to stop going there as much and lost interest. The RP itself, actually, I think started to slow down, mainly because people got busy with other things, especially Susan and because she was again, more or less the driving force behind most things, it petered out.

I’m actually uncertain how old I was when there, because I will admit, when I was in my first year of college, I toyed around with some of the concepts from this RP and wanted to repurpose it into a story. It was mainly the stuff that took place in the future with the Royal Family and with the Four Horsemen, where basically, it would follow Older Valarie (hell, the “rewrites” character name might have just been Valarie for simplicity sake) as she dealt with her feelings with the Royal family and her relation to it, trying to protect the Kingdom and its people, and eventually deal with the disappearance of her Second in Command and his reappearance as a giant threat later on.

…. Really, I still kinda like the idea…

ANYWAY, I have talked long enough and am tardy enough with just this post as it is, so I’ll leave it at that. According to the Google Doc where I’m writing all this before actually posting, this is six pages long, so even more apologies for my rambling.

Still, hope you liked this month’s look back in time and look forward to the next one!

[xtremedespair3d]

My Lukewarm History with Pixelbuster/Nitomatta

Yesterday, independent gaming journalist Pixelbuster, or Nitomatta, has been under controversy for taking advantage of small gaming news site Final Weapon for getting review copies of games and don’t review them all, basically getting the games he’s supposed to review for free. He’s been fired from Final Weapon and put his journalist career to an end.

This post is copied and pasted from a thread I made yesterday, so think of it as a complete and more accessible guide to my rant about Pixelbuster/Nitomatta with a few changes from the thread. This post isn't about what happened to Pixel and owning games for free, since people talked about him, I decided to take an opportunity to rant with my own perspective about why do I dislike the guy.

I never liked Pixel the moment we started talking a little bit more and even brought me to his server in 2018. There are times that he contradicted me on certain things and seeing his tweets really drove me insane a lot in 2019 to the point that I had to mute him. 

I also never understood why did Pixel make me a mod on his server. I mean, I appreciate it but at the same time I need to understand what am I worth to him. But then I kind of abuse the power of being a mod by deleting people's negative comments I don't like. Not to mention I seriously rant and vent A LOT in his server which almost nobody didn't really care about comforting me at all, but at the same time I always thought I might be getting everyone on their nerves. And speaking of his server (which is now deleted lol), that's one of the worst servers I've ever been, the people in there are so bland, talk shit on a couple of things a lot, and they share all kinds of porn I wasn't a huge fan of the Western art style of. To top it all off with sharing NSFW content on his server, he's absolutely okay with having people share furry porn but not loli/shota porn because it would make some people uncomfortable. Like, really? Come on. Sure, you don't really have to like loli/shota porn, but still, learn to have more balls on bearing that shit, especially if whether or not you're those "Fiction = Reality" purists (Which I hate these kinds of people). 

Lastly, at one time, I left his server because I was getting tired of it, then I came back for a little bit to take a quick peek to see what has changed after announcing I was leaving, and then I left again.

Then Pixelbuster DM'd me on Discord saying to please come back to the server, I was getting bored anyways so I decided to return (along to the RPG Site Discord server where we first met and the one server I despise to death). Now I regret returning to his bland ass server. After returning to his server, Pixel told me "Thank you, I promise you we will help you" probably about my problems I constantly talk about. Then I constantly rant and vent on his server a lot and he and his friends continued to do NOTHING to help me. I also felt sorry for talking ill of him and a bit of his server, but afterwards, I took back my apology as I still loathe him and his server.

The only thing I'll admire Pixel for is that some of his viral clips get retweeted by Japanese people, particularly artists and most recently, I saw a tweet of a RE3 mod video where he was retweeted by bkub, the creator of Pop Team Epic.

For a while I’ve always wanted to randomly tweet that Pixelbuster is a clown, he’s a total piece of shit, and with all this scandal, I finally took the opportunity to say it, but not because of what he did with Final Weapon, because I never liked him. I never liked Pixel at all, part of me feels like he deserves the hate he's getting, and I wish to completely disassociate with me for good. Also, he hates Yumi. He likes all Senran Kagura girls except Yumi. Like, seriously? Fuck Pixel.

The most baffling things he's ever said is that he would get better from his mental health issues and negativity. I'm really sorry but I seriously can't help but laugh so hard at it because he seriously can't help himself on the way he is. His behavior and his opinions are the major reasons why do I despise Pixel to death, he's just absolutely destructive on a lot of things media related. Sure, you could say that most of his opinions attacking large corporates like Disney and such are valid, but it's just the way he expresses them and everything are something I seriously couldn't take him seriously for. That's why I muted him on Twitter this year, I couldn't stand a word he said and it drove me insane a lot last year. I know I already said that but I must stress that out.

What are the things that he contradicted me? Well...

On the RPG Site Discord, the time we were watching the Sega panel from Tokyo Game Show and there was a segment that featured the mobile game called Kotodaman, which they were talking about a Kemono Friends collab. I randomly said that I recognized the game from watching VTuber Noja Loli Ojisan Nekomasu, and he said "I don't care." In retrospect, that sounded very forced. (The thing about the Kotodaman and the Kemono Friends collab was around the same time Tatsuki got fired by Kadokawa when Kemono Friends turned out so successful.)

The time he shared a later Captain Marvel trailer and said that he's finally sold on it, I told him most trailer are fine and he told me "No."

The time when the One Punch Man fighter game was announced, I simply said that it probably was to capitalize on season 2 and he said "No one gives a shit about season 2." I mean, sure but you didn't need to tell me that. Hell, you didn't even HAVE to force your opinions saying that you don't care, can't you just simply learn to ignore, you fucking idiot?

Let's not even get started on the time Pixel banned BlindedOtaku (Who I really despise because he's annoying) from his after some internal drama on his server on December 30th 2018. I wouldn't like to get into details because I can't remember what exactly happened nor I care. The last thing I remember about the drama is that I brought BlindedOtaku to the server after being kicked because he told me so and elaborate on his account on what happened. Then Pixel banned him for good and told me "You tried."

What's the point of this post? The point of this thread is just pretty much ranting about my history with Pixel as "friends," even though I've always had a distance with him and to show off that I wholeheartedly don't recommend you talking to him for the faint of heart, especially after this whole drama happened.

I would say that he can be a very difficult person to talk with, but he's not, the last time I had a relatively normal conversation with him is that if he gets the laggy cutscenes in the PC port of Persona 4 Golden, which he told me it only affects laptop users (Well shit).

Now, here comes the ultimate question: Should Pixelbuster be cancelled?

Well, I'm an edgy person so I would say yes, but at the same time, I don't condone cancel culture and he should own up to his mistakes, so absolutely not. I don't like Pixel for what he is regardless of the drama, I probably won't redeem myself on liking him more, but for the faint of heart, I don't want him to be cancelled. I heard that he's admitted his mistakes so it's something. Even if he were to own up to his mistakes and apologize, he’s now been fired from Final Weapon, if shit goes a little too far outside of Final Weapon, then his career as a journalist has indeed been ruined. To reiterate, no, Pixelbuster should not be cancelled. (At this point he’s probably indeed cancelled.)

I was feeling tempted to talk about Pixelbuster since he's still present on Discord, I would probably talk to him about the situation, but because I need to keep my word about why do I dislike him, I decided to block him on Discord once and for all. I doubt I'd want to talk to him ever again. I was genuinely feeling soft on wanting to comfort the guy and I feel absolutely disgusted and I want to drill my head to suck all the blood from my brain for thinking that.

My biggest gripe with Pixel is that once I become a successful creator, when I make some despicable stories or say some dumb shit, he'd put me on the vein of MatPat and Disney, that’s how despicable he is. I’m sorry if I may sound egotistical and biased because I hate people’s opinions and stuff, but he’s one of the many things that turned me into the kind of person I am right now, an egotistical dude who has a deep hatred for literally anyone’s opinions, criticims, everything else, even small complaints, because I’m easy to get my thoughts dictated and I always disagree and refuse to believe anyone by (occasionally) insult and fight back directly at them.

A few hours ago, he had returned to Twitter only to make a TwitLonger about his statement, I probably wouldn’t care to read the whole thing, but the most important parts is that he’s gone off the face of the internet for good and he’s getting a proper job now. I wish I could have tell him some final words for him, but I can’t even bother.

And there you go, that’s the end of my experience with Pixelbuster. Totally unrelated to the review copy drama, but I wanted to tell everyone how unlikeable he’s always been. And with that said, I’m finally free! I’m finally free from being associated with this scumbag (even though we probably hadn’t interacted much but I’ve always seen his activities that seriously drove me insane), he, his Discord server and the people on it, everything can go to hell with him.

P.S. What’s with the Nitocris thumbnail? Well, Nitocris was his waifu, he’s always had Nitocris images as his profile pictures, but recently he had a new icon of a commission of his OC. That makes me think his love for Nitocris has ceased.

Check out my Carrd.

[guwop-aye-bro-blog]

Some thoughts on the Facebook Killer and how we reacted to it.

Nothing good stems from Facebook live. The only time I remember it exists, someone is getting murdered on it. Sometimes I wish I could see the meetings that hatch these ideas. Does every social networking company gather around solely to ask each other how to (slightly) repackage what the other one is doing? Are Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram all under an umbrella, in some clandestine cabal? Let me know if I am on to something. Apparently, it took Facebook two hours and 14 minutes to take down the video of Robert Godwin Sr.’s murder. Mark Zuckerberg, likely reflecting on what a shitty idea Facebook Live is, said they’ve “got a lot of work to do.” Well, Mark, I’d suggest faster moderators. More importantly, however, a watchlist for whoever shares an article from Thought Catalog. The cesspool that resides in any and all Facebook comment sections, though? Beyond repair.

A little background on Sunday’s events. The 45 hour manhunt started with Steve Stephens going on Facebook live and literally killing somebody for the world to see. The victim, Robert Godwin Sr., 78, was a stranger. Stephens forced him to say his ex girlfriend’s name (Joy Lane) before shooting him. I haven’t seen the clip and don’t plan on it. However, I unknowingly heard the audio when 93x played it on Monday morning as part of their news segment. I would ask who was responsible for letting a snuff film play on the airwaves, but then someone would say 93x and I’d believe them. In a nutshell, he lost it over some relationship troubles and decided to take it out on the world. Almost two days later, Stephens was caught at McDonalds when he was waiting for some nuggets and fries, per the request of the quick thinking employee. This was the only sensible thing he did. If I’ve mustered up the lack of shame to order McDonalds, I will wait until the fries are ready, even if I’m on the run. All jokes aside, the idea of an elderly man being killed in cold blood on Easter shakes people up, understandably. In this instance, though, it shook them up enough to strip themselves of empathy and politicize it immediately. Good work.

The state of discourse is warped. Given the short shelf life for stories, stormy political climate, and ideologies weaponized ad nauseum, a productive approach to the conversation is, at best, uncommon. If you’re a rational person, this isolated, domestic incident is better left apolitical in its early stages. Even if your argument holds weight, you’re just going to piss people off. During the last election cycle, however, I’ve noticed the Internet throwing their two cents in all at once, hoping to be the first with a take. Some immediately shoehorn an agenda, which is obviously the tasteful option. Others, become forensic detectives and blood spatter analysts overnight. Ever heard of a crisis actor? A stranger with an Android screenshot wants to tell you about it. All of this, of course, under the guise of empathy for Godwin Sr. and his family - or in their words, “that old man that died on Facebook Live or whatever.”

If you’ve spent any time on Twitter lately, social justice is as present as ever. Saying anything deemed “problematic” will make you go viral in the worst way. You don’t want those problems. Frankly, they aren’t out of line most of the time. I’ll always encourage mobilizing against racism and careless language. A few of the younger users tend to virtue signal and leave it at that, but whatever. When I was 17, I liked Ron Paul. They’re far better off than I was then. But, we’re all at risk of getting lost in the sauce.

Within an hour of the story breaking, there were tweets pinning the Cleveland shootings on complex things like hypermasculinity. For the record, it’s no secret that patriarchy played a role here. Men will be destructive, selfish and crazy and still manage to do the mental gymnastics to blame a woman. It’s a tried and true trope. However, “snapping” over a woman versus commanding a stranger to recite their name before ending their life is a little different. Call me crazy, but I think Steve had some screws loose.

Twitter user GeauxGabby, dubbed “The Most Annoying Person On Twitter” by the good people at Bossip, had this to say:

“14 people were just murdered because this man is hurt over his girl. THAT IS HYPERMASCULINITY.”

This was part of a rant about men being murderers. I’ll never attempt to invalidate a woman speaking up about something like that, but it took a strange turn when she got specific. Suddenly, she started to focus solely on black men. I didn’t know who she was so I decided to do my Googles. In a few articles, GeauxGabby is named as a “member” of Black Twitter, although I don’t think she is warmly embraced as such. Her bio is adorned with a #BlackLivesMatter hashtag, as well as a reminder that a retweet does not mean an endorsement. The latter may come as a relief to many.

One of the (deleted) tweets in the thread said “N*****S ARE PISS” echoing sentiments shared with Darren Wilson, George Zimmerman and probably the entire Trump administration. She came to this conclusion so early that the information isn’t even correct - we’ve yet to hear about the 14 other murders. Usually I’d give a pass for misinformation when a story is developing, but not when it’s used to support flippant, dangerous accusations. It’s disheartening to see a valid critique of hypermasculinity mutate into an attack on black men. There’s a lot of opportunities to be thoughtful being squandered by “drag culture.” Nobody wants to unpack ideas when they’re wielded as social currency and provocation.

On the other side of the spectrum, Pepe frogs were doing what they usually do. The reactionary right wing response was expectedly tone deaf, clamoring for a response from Black Lives Matter. How stuck on semantics can you be? An organization against police brutality and systemic oppression isn’t obligated to speak on some lunatic. Immediately, conservative pundits began digging for evidence that Stephens was affiliated with BLM and Islam. It’s almost like they’re trying to smear people they hate, if you can believe that.  A comment on the Blue Lives Matter website (I got there on accident, don’t bother visiting unless you want to buy a wristband or something) said that they were expecting an “outcry” towards police when they catch him. How nauseatingly out of touch (or just plain racist) do you have to be to assume that the same people that defended Eric Garner are going to be crusading for this asshole?

Finally, the conspiracy theorists. Now that Alex Jones is doing the pump fake in court, I was worried that I’d be without my dose of crazy when I need it. My fears subsided when I saw a Facebook page juxtapose Christopher Dorner and Steve Stephens, suggesting they were the same person. This was after someone posted an anecdote about their Dad breaking down why the video was fake. Usually I trust Dads, but I don’t think everyone is Dexter Morgan. There were points about the blood drying too quickly, the shot not being realistic, etc. In fact, this theory is dumber than “Dexter” got after John Lithgow called somebody a c*nt. That’s saying something.

These conspiracy theories imply that professional actors are used by the government to deceive the public. They believe that the same people are used in multiple instances. For example, the Boston Marathon bombing and the Sandy Hook massacre were theorized to use the same Academy Award winners. They have gone so far to personally attack the parents of children slain in the 2012 school shooting, and I’m assuming the same will be done to Godwin Sr.’s family if history is any indication.

I’m at a loss as to why they would hire the same person to appear in multiple publicized tragedies and events. Wouldn’t it make more sense to keep a few on retainer? Can they not afford more actors? Actually, can I be a crisis actor? If someone could suggest a template for a resume or do some press shots for me, I’d really be interested. All I have to do is show up and cry, which is what I usually do when I log on to Facebook anyway.

All in all, I don’t really have a thesis here. Sorry to say, but these knee jerk reactions rendered Godwin Sr.’s death into a contest to see who was the loudest in the room. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure whether we project our narcissism whenever we can or have just turned into desensitized shitheads. Look at the president - both options are viable. Regardless, someone died, and I was a bit disturbed (albeit not shocked) at the immediate attempts to politicize and twist the situation to fit a narrative. It’s not a bad thing to just write someone like Stephens off as crazy and leaving your critique to the wayside while families mourn and communities heal. In fact, it may stop us from treating the news like a microwave.

John Dorcy

[livindatgaylife]

I promise I'll make this a read more but I'm on mobile right now

I just feel like crap lately and my anxiety it coming back hard core. My body is always shaking for no reason and my heart is racing and earlier this week I didn't sleep because I kept having obsessive thoughts and thought I was going to die (that's not a joke I honestly thought I was going to die). Like I have a rational mind and an irrational mind. So I knew I wasn't going to die but yet the other part of my brain was like "but you are". Anyways life is hard right now. And I feel really alone in my life, I do have a lot of friends but yet feel like I have no one who understands me or that I can talk to. So I actually have like GAD and OCD and depression, so it's a lot and I have to talk about things 8+ times before I get over it and I don't want to annoy my friends by making them listen to the same problem over and over again! So I just feel like I cant talk to anyone! But lately it's been really getting to me and I feel like I won't find love and I don't fit into the gay community and all that shit. I don't drink and I WILL have a panic attack if I go to the bar or club so I don't go but everyone wants to go so then how do I meet people right? I don't do hook ups and I actually want a real serious long term monogamous relationship (which I've found that you actually have to specify which is stupid) like more ham 50% of the guys I've had things with have not wanted monogamy. So I feel like I'm out her on my own. Also if you've read my other posts you'll know that I made friends with a straight guy, which is literally the only male friend I have, and now all of a sudden he's starting to act super distant and is sending one word texts and seems like he doesn't even want to be my friend, and it's like is this because I'm gay and you think I'm going to hit on you? It just makes me worry and think I'm not good enough. It seems like all straight guys get weirded out because I'm gay and then don't want to be my friend, but I have NEVER hit on them or made a move or anything. So wtf. My friends boyfriend had a guy from his childhood message him MRI catch up, and it had been a long time since they have talked they he thought it was kinda weird that he messaged him out of nowhere, but then he found out that this guy was gay and instantly stopped replying because he was scared this guy would hit on him. Like 1. He thought this guy wanted friendship and then found out he was gay and instantly thought he wanted his dick. Like fucking surprise gay people just want friends too! 2. Notice I said he was scare this guy would hit on him, as in the guy DID NOT hit on him. And so he stopped talking to him. Like ok way to jump to conclusions. It just makes me scared even more to talk to guys in her real and especially straight guys, because I constant feel like they are judging me and thinking I will hit on them and I have to watch my mannerisms because I might come off too gay and they won't want to talk to me. I've honestly got home from talking to a straight guy and cried for like an hour because I was that stressed out. Keep in mind I didn't even cry at my grandparents funerals, like I never cry, but this made me cry. Also it's such a slap in the face and makes me feel awful about myself and then I'm obviously undesirable or doing something wrong because this same friends boyfriend does actually get hit on by guys, like he's been asked on dates by guys and stuff. And hes straight and in a relationship, and I'm gay and single, like where are the guys who are interested in me. Well they don't exist. It just make me feel bad that he doesn't want them to hit on him and they do and then I'm like sitting here with all this live to give and I feel like I deserve a nice guy and stuff and no one actually wants me or even notices me. Like the past guys I've been with have literally done nothing but tear me down in every way possible, and I'm waiting and hoping someday maybe I'll find someone who actually cares about me and it will all be great, but that day doesn't seem to be coming. I'm just sad, I'll probably delete this later, I'm sorry this is so long and for complaining and ranting, and I don't even think this whole thing is coherent or understandable, but brain is just a jumble, ok bye

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

(f/15, could Tash please answer this as I think (from seeing the posts on this blog) she is the most experienced with this? That isn’t meant to be offensive by the way…)

Okay, so, last year was living Hell for me. I’m gonna make 2017 a better year though, or at least try.

So basically, I was in this friend group on the internet with three other people since 2014/15. It was fun, trust me, we had some good times. And around 2016 it just went downhill. We started fighting more, life turned to crap for all of us, we started ranting to each other about our problems and such. And even though ranting is something good, since we were all doing it it also made the negativity stronger, y'know? None of us were really motivated to make our lives better. One night, one of the people of the friend group (I’ll call her A) was actually like “Let’s both just end it.” After I ranted to her. Even though I really wanted to, I just KNOW life is worth living somehow. There’s so many things I haven’t seen or done, and even if it feels like nobody will miss me, I’ll just think of my dog (as I’m 100% sure he will miss me.) Maybe that’s weird, but it works for me, and that’s what counts right?

So I tried being more positive, and I tried getting A to do the same. I made small challenges for myself like “think positive for a week, do stuff that makes me happy, stand up for myself more,” etc. It went great but the friend group, and especially A, (being the so-called “leader”) just brang me down every time. I’d be saying something happy about my day for once, and then A would go “you’re lucky my life sucks I want to die”. It’s frustrating, she just didn’t want to be helped and it really stopped me from being happy.

Then one night we got into this giant argument. Idk, I got into a fight with her boyfriend over something so small and silly. Instead of apologizing like I always do, I wanted to stand up for myself more and told him off. And she got all protective, kicked me out of the group and expected me to still be her friend outside of it. I was 100% DONE with letting her control me like that. We’d already had fought before and she also kicked me out of the group that time and I came crawling back apologizing but she didn’t even say sorry a single time. So.. I got mad.

And maybe I said some things I shouldn’t have said. I pointed out a lot of things I disliked about her and suggested her she’d either work on her flaws like I am or just get out of my life. She didn’t want to see things from my perspective. Instead, she blamed her problems. I also had problems, but I don’t use it as an excuse to be shitty to my friends? The least she could’ve said was sorry. Like even if you want to blame your problems instead of telling me “my dad always yells at me” you could’ve said “I’m sorry, it’s just frustrating for me that my dad yells at me every day, but it’s no reason for me to take that out on you.”???? It’s not that hard. Even my girlfriend at the time, agreed with me and said “it’s like A is just trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad for what you just said. like she’s not even thinking about you, just about herself.”

The whole friend group was on a forum (where we all met in the first place) & she PM'ed me later on that forum (because I blocked her Skype) she sent a really nasty message where she made fun of all my problems, all the things I trusted her with, pointed out my flaws too & she made fun of the death of my pets, things I ranted about to her, because I trusted her.

Okay. I’ve made some mistakes, I know I have flaws but. At Least I’m trying to work on them. At least I’m trying to make my life better. At least I can admit my mistakes and think of others. In the first fight we had, (where I came back crawling and apologizing) I realized I shouldn’t have done that, but I just couldn’t stand up for myself yet. And now I can.

I PM'ed the admin of the forum about it, ended up getting banned for a week (and she for a month).

So the first step of making my life better was cutting the whole group out of my life. I had to create new accounts on like every social media I had her on and I’m even planning to leave that forum. I do miss the memories, but then I remember I’m missing the memories and not the people in that memory.

So what’s the problem you may ask? I still feel so much hate for that girl, A. I wouldn’t have lost the two other friends if it weren’t for her. I even ordered something online for her although my family has money problems and she knew all about them. She was so grateful in that moment, but at soon as I started picking on her boyfriend she kicked me out. It’s just so rude. And that message she sent me about my pets just really hurt. And she knows I’m sensitive to that shit, that’s one of the flaws I’m working on. And she just took advantage of it. It’s even worse when you realize she’s 17 and I’m 15 and she supposed to be the mature one. And now that she’s kicked me out of the group for no GOOD reason.

Anyway, it’s just annoying that I hate her? It’s been like 3 months or something since we last talked. During the day I don’t even think of her at all, but as soon as I’m trying to sleep I just start imagining all these scenarios where I do horrible things to her, hack her computer, delete all her files, things like that. I’ve even had dreams where I did bad things to her, or she did them to me. And I bet I’m gonna have nightmares about her finding this tumblr post, screenshotting it & sending it to the friend group to laugh at me being miserable. I know, that’s SO unlikely. But yeah in nightmares anything can happen.

It’s frustrating, I just want her to be somebody unimportant, somebody I used to know, just a mistake I made in the past, learned from, and can now move on from. Make new friends and forget that they even existed. But there’s still a lot of hate ugh. She’s just having a fun time with that friend group and crap, I bet she never thinks of me anymore anyways. I mean it would’ve been easier if she hadnt sent me that message about my pets. I don’t know why that bothers me so much it’s just one of those things that really triggers me. I just love animals so much, especially mine. And she was all like “THEY’RE DEAD GET OVER IT YOU’RE NOT 8”. I just feel so much HATE. But actually doing bad things to her isn’t going to make things better.

Don’t worry too much about me though, because other than the dreams I have and the scenarios I imagine with her, I actually don’t think about her a lot anymore. I’m also MUCH better, and much happier now that she’s gone. I have another best friend I can always talk to and they are so much better than a friend group that didn’t even care about me in the first place. So yeah I just needed to rant about it, and maybe some advice on how to not feel so much hate??? Like I subconsciously hate her so much but I want her to be somebody I used to know, and nothing more than that, so I can start making my life better.

Sorry if it’s long I just like to give all the details so you don’t give the “wrong” advice eheh

TL;DR or short version: I cut 3 toxic friends out of my life, but I still feel a lot of hate for one of them, any advice?

hey there, I’m so sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you! )-: the inbox has been pretty full lately and this got a little buried, apologies

cutting toxic people out of your life can be difficult sometimes, I’m proud of you for doing it!! the online friendships you had sound really unhealthy and negative -- and yeah I agree with you, constantly talking about only the negative things can create a toxic environment. venting is good, getting things off your chest is good! but when you have a friendship group where it’s only ever negative thoughts and feelings, that’s not healthy.

I had a pretty big fight with a friend in march last year and our friendship ended because of it, it’s was something so lame and even now whenever I think about it? I get mad and annoyed too!! )-: it’s only been 3-4 months since this all went down and you cut A off, it’s natural that you still feel anger and frustration over it all. give it time friend, that’s all I can really suggest. you said yourself that most of the time you don’t think about it and that you’re much happier now that she’s not in your life anymore!!! that’s progress :* you’ve come so far and been proactive about your own well-being and happiness, in time the anger and bitterness will fade. 

delete her off snapchat, facebook, instagram and any other social media accounts? delete any songs that remind you of her and instead create music playlists that make you feel good and happy and positive, try not to think about her too much when you can. she’s someone who was a mistake to be friends with and it’s definitely sounds like to me that you’ve learnt from it?! you’ve talked about so much self-growth and reflection that resulted from the friendship and the ending of it, and that’s good too. just give yourself time, time helps to heal pain and anger like this. lots of love <33

- tash