#anyway... just.... i literally work as a transcriptionist

[horce-divorce]

Find jobs that work remotely online

lmfao i literally already do that, you jackanapes. i'm a freelance transcriptionist and I have been for YEARS!!!!! i'm GOOD at it, too! having a remote job doesn't mean there's any work in the queue, and it certainly doesn't mean they're PAYING me to do it. a few years ago (like 2016-2018) it was actually possible for me to work from home and earn, like, almost minimum wage. but at least it was consistent. Like, if you knew when the peak times to avoid were, you could always snag work from the queue. I earned anywhere between $8-15 an hour doing that for a few years, and I still never broke more than about $2,000 per year.

the thing about this one is, it's like, the PERFECT setup, in theory. i can come and go as I please, no minimum or maximum amount of work, my insanely fast typing skills ensured I could actually pick files worth my time (my average is 130wpm but I've hit 200. if you even care). being able to stop in the middle of a file and walk away when I was having symptoms, or even just when it was pissing me off, is IDEAL. as long it's done correctly and submitted on time, it doesn't matter what your workflow looks like. i LOVE!!!!! this. yes, please, for the love of god leave me alone and let me do my thing. i work SO much better this way.

as of the last few years, companies like Rev.com have done nothing in the intervening time but increasingly replace their skilled workers (me) with AI auto-captions and having us proofread those instead, all while jacking up their prices for consumers and paying us less and less per file. plus, there's more competition than ever since the pandemic hit, and everyone and their brother think they can just pick up a job like transcription as a side gig or whatever. anyway, since they started becoming worse, I've barely managed to keep up $10 an hour, and there's barely any work in the queue. I check constantly. I'm lucky if i can make a few dollars per week doing that now.

but hey, I actually never gave up. you know what else is a "work remotely online" job? running your own art business. which i also do. I may be conventionally unemployed, but I DO still have multiple jobs! and you people see that and go, "no, that doesn't count. what if you just had MORE jobs? surely this would fix all of your problems?" wow, genius, fucking sensational, THAT WOULD HAVE NEVER OCCURRED TO ME WITHOUT YOUR SAGE WISDOM, ANON. WOW.

YES, I also do market research panels and all that garbage. YES, i have done data entry. I did sigtrack for a while, but I wasn't very good at it, reading people's handwriting is a lot harder for me than parsing speech. I even did Amazon Mechanical Turk back in the day, holy shit, do not do that, 0/10. Any of those shit articles from the penny hoarder youre about to send me? I've done it, and possibly still do from time to time!

Anyway, if that's still not good enough for you, presumably you know a company that hires remotely that you can refer me to? Why don't you hire me yourself, if you're so concerned? You got a podcast or something that needs captions? Hmu anon! That's literally what I do!!! My rate is $1.25 per audio minute!!!! I'll wait!!!!! :)))))))

[cuddlytogas]

here's an ofmd pet peeve for ya, building on what just spat out of my queue (on Buttons, and Scots representation, and how the subtitles are wrong for "glaikit")

I am 99% certain that this subtitle is incorrect:

now, I am but a filthy Australian, so hey, maybe it's a Kiwi thing. but I am so sure that what he says is closer to "the fuck?", and most likely an aborted "do you" / "what do you" / "what are you talking about" verbalisation. more like: "D'yo-- fuck? No it's not."

like, there is nothing in his cadence that seems (to me, at least) to imply that he's addressing or insulting Izzy. it's more like a reactive expletive. the first syllable is very short, short enough that it rings more like a cut-off exclamation than a full half-word. and the briefest pause after "fuck" sounds much more like a redirection ("--") than a natural pause (","). and it's in a show that emphasises natural speech patterns in both accents and the frequent use of improvisation, so it's not like it'd be unusual to have a muddled, natural sound coming out in a moment like this.

anyway, it is driving me crazy, because I've seen people latch onto "dickfuck", but I heard something so distinct that I didn't even know what they were talking about at first. like, is it really just me???? i can't be the only one not hearing that??

but hey, maybe i'm wrong. after all, I still keep hearing "I think I'd li-like that" rather than "I think I might like that" in the bathtub scene in 1x06...

[mitsuhasnolifebutwatchesanime]

Cells at Work!/Cells at Work!!/Cells at Work Black

(Don't mind me reviewing technically three shows at once!)

Hmm, 2018, when I sorta fell off the seasonal anime binge. Anyway, I DID watch Cells at Work when it came out in 2018...just...like four eps tho. It was cute, it was educational, and I just had so much other shit going on at the time. The manga for Cells at Work Black which sounded a lot cooler was going on and I heard about it and was like “well if that gets an anime I’ll be sure to watch.” Well it got its anime! And Cells at Work got it’s second season! I’m so behind.

I actually spent a good chunk of the end of 2020 watching Grey's Anatomy thanks to my fiancee’s mother watching it while I was visiting. So, somehow I sorta learned a lot about medicine and health. My mother was a medical transcriptionist for about ten years, so I absorbed some info from her-- anyway, I’m not into the sciences as hardcore as some of my friends. While I will continue to call this Osmosis Jones the anime, I mean it in the most endearing way, because it is very cute. It’s not a new concept, but it’s a good execution of a tried and true concept of “the inner workings of the human body.” I mean, I grew up on School House Rock as well, so sometimes I just sing the Body Machine song (among others from Science House Rock) to myself Just Because.

What I want to do here is compare the two series. Both go places, and for sure from the get-go of Cells at Work Black, you KNOW it’s going bad places. So it depends: do you want something light hearted, slice of life with a little sprinkling of education? Cells at Work is great.

If you don’t know the story already just by the title and my brief, unoriginal joke, it follows the story of a new Red Blood Cell throughout the body, introducing the viewer to different cells and functions of the human body, showing off the immune system, cardiovascular system, and much much more, all while the body deals with threats of the viral, bacterial, and even external injuries and such. The first Cells at Work and it’s sequel Cells at Work!! (the 2 exclamation points= two) focus on one body, while Cells at Work Black focuses on another body which is doing significantly worse health-wise.

We all get sick, there are constantly bacteria and viruses going through the human body which is what your immune system fights, but the body in the first cells at work? Aside from maybe being a little allergen-ridden and maybe suffering from some immunodeficiencies, is much healthier than the body featured in Cells at Work Black. That body is dealing with smoking, insomnia, just, any bad thing you can think of, it’s happening to them. Also the Black is Cells at Work Black is in reference to “Black Factories” in Japan, which are factories/companies with such shitty work ethic and such they literally work their employees to death. This could refer to the state of the body as a whole, or maybe the person’s body is in this sort of situation where they’re being so overworked their body and health are suffering because of it.

I suppose sometimes I wish that the show would show outside of the body, but that would be no fun. It is fun, with what limited medical knowledge I have, trying to guess the solution to each situation. I.E. the body loses a ton of blood and I’m just yelling “BLOOD TRANSFUSION” at the screen and then bam, blood transfusion, or in another case, severe dehydration “FLUIDS!” and fluids.

Unrelated I was super sick at the beginning of last year and went to the ER and knew for a fact I just needed fluids. Well they had to rule everything else out so I got dragged from test to test and I was like PLEASE JUST FILL ME WITH THE HYDRATION JUICE. Anyway my nurse said “oops” as she was putting in my IV (something a medical professional should never say) and I glanced over and got to see my own blood and fainted, which I never do lmao. Take care of your body! It’s already been proven these shows have made people really want to take care of their bodies.

Whether you want it lighter or darker, both anime are pretty enjoyable and so episodic, you can enjoy them whenever and in no particular order, just know that Cells at Work Black is a LOT darker and more depressing. Either way, please give either of these shows a try for yourself!

[ellemant]

Allison: Is everything ready in here?

Elizabeth: Yes, Mrs. Holmes. Exactly as you asked.

Allison: Perfect. I’m not to be disturbed for about...oh, give me about forty five minutes. Then you can come in and clean up. 

Elizabeth: Of course, Mrs. Holmes.

Allison: Who is this? She looks familiar.

Elizabeth:  This is Meredith Bass. 

Meredith: I work for your charity organization, Mrs. Holmes.

Elizabeth explains: She’s a transcriptionist. She’s the one who will be transcribing everything she hears on Anais’ charm? I thought instead of hiring an outside service, we could use staff we already have available? I pulled her away from the charity office as soon as you told me about the charm. I thought she could work alongside me and Radha. With your approval.

Meredith: I used to transcribe for doctor’s offices and I also worked for a law firm-

Allison airy: We’ll discuss it later. But I’m really impressed with how quickly you moved, Elizabeth! The thought literally just occurred to me and you’ve already got the ball rolling. I love it! Anyway- what did Sophie say?

Elizabeth: She said she’d meet you for lunch.

Allison smiles: Perfect. Thank you. And again- do not disturb me. For anything. Understood?

The two assistants respectfully nod.

[quaalussy]

Dreamboy Episode 7: The Rally

Hi I’m back with another Dreamboy transcript, this is a great episode! Sorry for any mistakes I might have made.  Also: if you’re looking to hire a transcriptionist for your podcast or anything else please feel free to shoot me a message, I’m always looking for work!

LITTLE KIDS [sung]

She won’t be able to run in the grass

She won’t be able to lay in the sun 

She won’t say hi to the people who pass

She won’t see hi to anyone

She won’t be able to love or dream or anything else that we said 

Cause zebras can’t do anything after they are dead

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA

Thank you! Thank you! Keep it going for Ms. Hernandez’s second-grade class from Pepper Heights Elementary, with the shockingly accurate little ditty that they wrote! Wow! Thank you, kiddies. Now don’t let your energies flag, kids. Everyone, I know it’s getting late, I know we’re tired and scared and wondering whether this is all gonna lead up to anything useful, but it is. We’re gonna stay here and we’re gonna.. we’re gonna keep our feet planted on the ground until our demands are met. I, Diana Greasefire, am determined to have our voices heard. I will stay here with my zebra striped sleeping bag and my zebra striped mask, and I will sleep here until I get answers. Alright come on how’re we, how’re we doing out there?

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA Good? 

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA Oh, I can’t hear you.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING LOUDER]

DIANA Yeah? What do we say?

CROWD

SAVE ZOE!

DIANA What do we say?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA WHAT DO WE SAY?

CROWD 

SAVE ZOE!

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA That’s right. Now, we have a long night of rallying ahead so have some coffee. It’s free over at that table, donated by the lovely folks down at Settler’s Coffee. 

[SMALL GROUP CHEERS]

DIANA

I tell you this little sexy zebra print number has served me well the last few weeks down at The Hussy, but if I’m honest, now that I'm outside in this cooler October night air, I just wish there were a little bit more of it. But then again, how else am I gonna get Mr. Kritch to come out and talk to us?

[CROWD BOOS]

DIANA We know you’re in there, Kritchy! We know you ain’t leaving anytime soon, cause your car is currently surrounded by morbid second-graders. 

DIANA [to child]

Go on sweetie, yeah you can stand on the car, jump up and down.

DIANA [to crowd]

Okay. so, I'm gonna bring up my co-host, you may know her from other animal activism activities. She is currently working to educate uhhh people about uhh, hang on I have to read this part. “The effect of deforestation on the delicate symbiotic evolutionary relationship between the Madagascar Honey Orchid and the Madagascar Honey Wasp, its only known pollinator.” Well, that’s a mouthful. Anyway, please welcome to the stage Carol Buxtrom!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

CAROL

Thanks, Diana. Uh, you look really good. [clears throat] Whoa, okay. All of you out there you all are really rad to show up for a cause like this. When I think about this issue, I just get so worked up and angry, and I didn't trust myself to not get all emotional up here, so I wrote it down. So I’m just gonna read this and try to, you know, stay calm and Carol on. Okay, here goes. [clears throat] Last summer on August 29th, just after one A.M., a scared and defenseless wild animal had its space violated by an intruder, and in a split second reaction of fear, defended itself to the best of its ability. The intruder was a boy named Ian Harris, and he was killed. Our hearts go out to his family, but that wild animal is a zebra named Zoe that has spent nearly sixteen years interacting with the publics here at Pepper Heights with no incidents. Tomorrow morning, Judge Elizabeth Gardner [sobs] is set to. Sorry. [sobs]

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL

Is set to announce her decision about the euthanization of Zoe the zebra. She could very well decide to end Zoe’s life based on incidents that were not at all her fault, but we still have tonight to let her know how Pepper Heights really feels, so let’s be a loud voice in her ear. Everybody: 

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL

Get out your phones and tweet: #SaveZoe at Judge Elizabeth Gardner. Go ahead, everybody, do it now. Or you could email too, judgeegardner@hotmail.com. 

DIANA

Hotmail? Oh my god. Can I hear some of her songs on Myspace? [laughs]

CAROL

While you guys do that, I wanted to read some uhh zebra facts to you that you might not know. Uhhh, okay. Zoe the zebra’s latin name is Equus quagga. 

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL When zebras stay in groups, their stripes confuse the eyes of would-be predators, making it hard to single out an individual. The stripes of each zebra are unique, like...

DANE [to listener]

The all-night rally. I totally forgot it was tonight. It’s fucking going strong now too in the parking lot. Jesus, like everybody from Pepper Heights is here. I’m just wandering through the crowd, everybody all around me in their zebra shirts with their “SAVE ZOE” signs, and my head is killing me because I haven’t eaten like anything all day, and I just got escorted out of my work place by Sheila fucking Panzarelli and then told to wait here by a fucking twelve year old. Which, I was so out of it that I actually did for a minute before I was like “what the fuck am I doing?” Also, why the fuck is Sheila doing security sweeps? [sighs]. I should probably just go home. Hey, I know that guy from the coffee shop. Wait, maybe they have free food here. The crowd is starting to get very bored of the wasp lady’s zebra facts. 

CAROL Zebras are not horses, people.

DANE I see Luke looking down at his phone on the side of the crowd. He looks up, and for some reason I do that thing where I act like I don’t see him, and I think I’ll just look back in a couple of seconds and casually see him, but when I look back he’s walking away, like maybe he didn’t see me the first time? So I start to thread through the crowd to follow him, but I keep losing sight of him, and the boring science channel stuff on stage apparently signaled bathroom and coffee break to everyone, so they’re all moving around. And all of them are wearing zebra stripes so they all blend together, like, my eyes hurt. Where the fuck did he go? I think- there, there. No. there! No. I literally feel like a starving lion trying to pick a meal out of the black and white swirl. Jesus, this really works, good job nature. So I start moving quicker through the crowd, and I think I'm turned around, I'm going to the middle again? People are really starting to jostle me now. The murmurs have turned into full on talking, like no one’s even pretending to pay attention to the stage, which is somewhere behind me at this point. There! I see him again. He’s just fifteen feet from me, facing the other way.

DANE [to crowd]

Excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sorry.

DANE [to listener]

I bump into some teenage boys, I pass a  family, almost tripping over a stroller. Finally I get up to him, and I reach up and tap his shoulder.

DANE [to boy]

Luke. 

DANE [to listener]

He turns around, but it’s not Luke. it’s just another boy. 

DANE [to boy]

Oh, s-sorry. No I just… I thought you were someone else. 

DANE [to listener]

I turn back towards the stage. It’s just a sea of writhing zebra stripes. Then someone taps my arm. I turn around quick, but I don't see anyone. Wait, it’s a kid. Like, seven years old maybe? Standing there and looking up at me. 

DANE [to kid]

Hey. Do you need help?

DANE [to listener]

He hands me a flier. I take it and look at it, but it’s not a “SAVE ZOE” flier. It just says “#WHATABOUTIAN” in big, bold type. I look back up at him, but he’s already running back out of the crowd. And then he disappears into a smaller crowd at the side of the rally that I hadn't noticed before. They’re counter-protestors. Some of them have signs that say the same thing: “#WHATABOUTIAN”, and others have signs that have two pictures side by side on them. The first picture is Ian as a little kid, smiling and playing in the grass, but the second picture is the police photo of when they found his dead body. Wow, it’s intense.

CAROL 

A group of zebras is referred to as a herd, dazzle, or a zeal. Ha! which is totally neat. Of course, Zoe is a single zebra which is, you know, just called a zebra. Umm-

DIANA

Ok, Carol, thank you. 

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

DIANA

Let’s do more facts later.

CAROL Oh, Okay. Anyone who has questions can talk to me later.

DIANA Okay! [sighs] Okay Kritchy, you coward! I am standing here in my zebra striped dress with my zebra striped sleeping bag, in case this goes long, and my thermos of hot toddies and my zebra slippers, and I am waiting for you to get up the courage to come out here and look me in my face. What do we say, everyone?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA What do we say?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA

That’s right!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

DIANA

I think we should try to enchant Mr. Kritch out to talk to us with a little song. 

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR CHORD]

DIANA What do you say, everybody? You wanna sing together with me? Come on, you ready? Here. 

[BEGINS TO PLAY GUITAR]

DIANA I’ll start us off.

[GUITAR INTRO]

DIANA [sung]

We shall overcome

We shall overcome

We shall overcome someday 

PERSON IN CROWD I love you Diana!!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

DIANA [sung]

Deep in my heart

I do believe

We shall overcome someday

DIANA

We’ll walk hand in hand!

CROWD [sung]

We’ll walk hand in hand 

We’ll walk hand in hand

We’ll walk hand in hand someday

[SONG CONTINUES UNDER THE FOLLOWING]

DANE [to listener] I swear I just heard Luke’s voice. Like, close by. I look around, but I don't see him. Then, a huge zebra striped balloon floats by, and I look. I watch it pass, and then Luke is right there, just ten feet from me. He sees me too. He doesn’t seem surprised, though. I walk up to him slowly, and he puts his phone in his pocket and straightens up. As I get closer I can see his face. It’s sort of a mix of shy and embarrassed and glad and pouty all at the same time. 

LUKE Hey. 

DANE Hey.

LUKE

What’s up?

DANE Nothing, what’s up with you?

LUKE Nothing. 

DANE AND LUKE

[unintelligible]

[BOTH LAUGH]

LUKE Yeah, so look, I just um, you know-

JENNIFER

There you are, jesus! Why didn’t you stay over there?

DANE

Fuck, Jennifer! Because I'm not your poodle. Like, for being an anti-fascist you really are-

JENNIFER We don’t have time for this.

DANE [to listener]

The twins, Merryl and Sherryl, walk up behind her. Jennifer looks anxious. She looks down at her watch and then scans the crowd. Luke looks at all of us with a wrinkled expression.

LUKE 

What are you guys doing?

DANE We are doing nothing. I don’t know what she’s doing

DANE [to listener]

For once, Jennifer doesn’t look angry or mean or smug, she almost looks like a kid. She gets closer to me, looks right at me.

JENNIFER

They are keeping an animal I love in the dark alone in there, and it’s killing her. Tonight, I’m gonna go get her out of that dark. 

DANE That’s, like, literally what happens at any zoo.

JENNIFER Exactly! They’re all animal jails. 

LUKE So you wanna jailbreak Zoe? You’re a little badass. 

JENNIFER Yes, but...

DANE [to listener]

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, then lets it out and opens them and looks at me JENNIFER

I need your help.

DANE [to Jennifer] What are you talking about, you’re crazy. Like, you’re twelve years old, what the fuck are you planning on doing?

JENNIFER First, I’m almost thirteen. Second, growing up is a myth. And third-

DANE [to listener]

She looks back at the twins, standing on either side of her, and then back to me with a weird smile

JENNIFER We have a plan. 

DANE [to listener]

Then she sees something to her left behind me, and her eyes go wide and her face gets serious

JENNIFER Oh no. He’s early. 

DANE [to listener]

I turn around and follow her stare. On the back edge of the parking lot, far from the crowd, there’s a utility truck parked under a light pole, and a man in a bucket on a crane coming up from the truck, and the bucket is rising. It gets to the top and then stops. 

JENNIFER Okay, okay, it’s go time. Merryl, Sherryl, stay on the time markers no matter what? Got it?

TWIN 1

Got it.

TWIN 2

Uh, okay.

DANE [to JENNIFER]

What is going on?

JENNIFER No more time.

DANE [to listener]

She looks at me and Luke.

JENNIFER

You in or out?

DANE I don’t… I don’t even know what you’re talking about, like in what? 

DANE [to listener]

Her face looks strange.

JENNIFER Please.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Please what?!

DANE [to listener]

The power goes out, the lights on the stage and everything. The crowd stops singing and everyone starts shuffling and murmuring, slowly starting to panic. People start yelling for their kids. The only light is from the billboard for the exhibit way at the other end of the parking lot. Luke steps forward and looks at Jennifer. 

LUKE We’re in. 

DANE [to listener]

I look at Luke. he won’t even look back at me.

JENNIFER Great. Follow us. 

DANE [to listener]

She takes off through the crowd, the twins just behind her. I keep looking at Luke, but he just takes off after them. 

[SILENCE]

Jennifer, the twins, and Luke are all standing in front of a hole dug under the fence in front of the zoo. Right as I walk up, Jennifer kneels down and starts to go under the fence. I look around, but nobody sees her, everyone's just scrambling in the dark and paying no attention. The power going out was a classic diversion. Did she plan all this? Like, what organization are they a part of, the CIA for kids? Jennifer goes through the hole, then the twins, and then Luke. [sighs] I look around one more time. Fuck. [sighs] I follow them through. [panting] I get up and brush myself off, and then I go over to where they’re at, in the shadows against the souvenir stands and ticket booths. 

[DREAMBOY SONG PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]

DANE [to group]

Guys! Am I the only one worried about getting caught? Like, what about the security guards? Or Kritch, Sheila.

JENNIFER Kritch is watching the livestream of the rally in his office, I bet you fifty bucks, and the security guards follow the same routine every single night. Three guards, three booths, they rotate between the three booths every thirty minutes.

DANE [to listener]

She looks down at her watch. 

JENNIFER We have another twenty-five minutes before the next rotation.

DANE [to Jennifer] What about Sheila? Like, she’s the scariest one.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer considers the question. 

JENNIFER

She is sort of a wild card. But it’s a risk we will have to take. The good news is, she’s not exactly good at being covert. Everybody just look out for a wheezy, cussing thing with a lightsaber flashlight.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Look, this isn’t just about getting banned from the zoo or me getting fired, like we could all get arrested. On serious charges! Which is a big deal if you’re not a little kid. 

DANE [to listener]

Luke still isn’t looking at me. 

LUKE

It’s weird they leave the music on all night. 

TWIN 

It’s for the animals. 

JENNIFER

Okay, let’s go. 

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer runs off into the shadows, weaving between food stands, pausing whenever she can, looking at her watch. God, it’s like she was made for this. Her legs flick in and out of the dim light, and the twins are in lock step right behind her, and Luke is right behind them, his legs almost as quick, and I'm following with legs… legs of a person that doesn’t wanna get arrested. 

[CICADA NOISES]

DANE [to listener]

[sighs] The twins are whispering things to us like little tour guides

TWIN 1 Over there’s the rides.

TWIN 2

And the Candy Clown

LUKE

[sighs] I used to hate the Candy Clown. 

JENNIFER

Come on!

DANE [to listener] Jennifer’s moving like a little Navy SEAL, doing that thing where she points at her eyes then points ahead. 

TWIN 1

There’s the swan. 

DANE [to listener]

The other twin points to a single white swan next to the pond. It looks blue in the night, its head is hidden in its wings. I stop. There’s an information kiosk in front of us, but there’s a movement inside. 

DANE [to group]

Guys, wait. There’s someone inside that booth.

DANE [to listener]

The twins both look back and smile.

TWIN 1 Lost and found.

TWIN 2

All the phones. 

DANE [to twins] Oh, jesus. Okay. 

DANE [to listener]

I look in the window as we pass it. There’s a cardboard box full of phones. A lot of them are dead, but some are flickering with messages. “Where are you?” “Are you mad at me?” “Hey.” 

JENNIFER Come on!

DANE [to listener]

We round another food stand, walk along this low wall for a few seconds, and then I see it. 

TWIN

The animal gate.

DANE [to listener]

There’s this tall, decorative iron gate set into a high stone wall that separates the animal exhibits from the rides and food and stuff. It’s this overwhelming, intricate scene of animals all sculpted with wrought iron, their bodies all twisting around each other and their faces all looking up. It’s like a gothic mural but with metal animals, but I’ve never actually really looked at it cause it’s swung open when the zoo is open. Now that I see it, it’s really beautiful. Luke slowly walks forward and looks up at the gate.

LUKE Oh my god. I remember when I was a kid, getting here early enough to see them open the animal gate was like the most magical thing, and then once we got inside my mom and I would always do the same exact thing every time: chocolate ice cream cone with a hard dipped shell and then visit Zoe. I remember her being almost close enough to touch, it’s like so weird to think that-

[JENNIFER GRUNTING]

DANE [to listener]

I look over off to the side of the gate. Jennifer’s trying to unlatch the huge metal bar attached to the stone wall. 

[JENNIFER GRUNTING LOUDER]

DANE [to Jennifer]

Mmm, need help? DANE [to listener]

Then the latch comes loose and the gate swings free with a loud deep groan.

[GATE CREAKING, JENNIFER PANTING]

DANE [to group]

Wow, lotta good that does keeping people out.

DANE [to listener] Jennifer steps back onto the path and brushes her clothes off, a little out of breath.

JENNIFER

It’s not meant to keep us out, it’s meant to keep them in. 

DANE [to listener]

Then she walks through the gate; the twins follow. Luke goes through behind them but stops when he sees I'm not following. He turns around and looks at me, for the first time since the parking lot. 

LUKE You coming?

DANE

[sighs] I don’t know. What if I say no?

DANE [to listener]

He walks up to me. His face is really soft and sweet, and he doesn’t look mad at all, like does he not know he didn’t text me all day long and like left me hanging? Like, what the fuck is he thinking?

LUKE

Are you really gonna say no?

DANE [to listener]

He reaches out and grabs my hand. My body twitches like an electromagnet.

[TWINKLY MUSIC]

DANE [to listener]

The animal section of the zoo is dark except for a few random bluish-white lights that make everything look dead and icy. Luke is still holding my hand. 

LUKE These lights are weird. Also, isn’t the power out? Like- 

JENNIFER Those are emergency lights. Backup generator, only essential systems.

DANE [to listener] She keeps her eyes ahead as she talks. And all three of them, the not girl scouts, are walking in front of me and Luke at that specific speed of children that want you to know that they know where they’re going and that they’re not afraid. And Jennifer starts whispering things too and pointing. It’s like all three of them have the whole history of this place memorized, but I can’t quite pay attention because all I can think about is Luke’s hand. 

JENNIFER

That’s the creepy-crawlies building. My dad says that it’s just an old shed they like infested with bugs, and it’s a crime that they make people pay to see it. TWIN

That’s the parrot William something. He’s old. He talks but he just says numbers.

JENNIFER

There’s the lion and tigers and bears exhibit. A lion, a tiger, and bear that used to be movie animals. The tiger’s been dead for years, though.

TWIN 

So now it’s just a lion and a bear. 

DANE [to listener]

I’m trying not to look at Luke, but there’s this feeling between our arms. It’s like a buzzing. 

TWIN There’s the new exhibit. They’ve been digging holes over there for months now.

DANE [to listener]

There’s a low wooden barricade in front of the new exhibit with a sign that says “coming soon” on it and another sign that’s half ripped down that says “Forgotten Sea”. The buzzing feeling surges. We both yank our hands away. 

TWIN That’s a bathroom. 

DANE [to listener]

I hear a tarp snapping in the wind somewhere over in the dark of the new exhibit. Something in my body turns over. Then I hear music. Opera. 

[OPERA PLAYING FAINTLY]

JENNIFER That’s Madam Beauregard’s radio. She has to listen to music when she sleeps or she has nightmares. She used to be a NASA flight test chimp, and she went to space once, but she came back crazy. Then she lived in the swampy part of Florida where some man made her do this sideshow act on the side of the road.

TWIN

Made her wear a nightgown and read a paper and drink coffee

JENNIFER Yeah, but he actually gave her real coffee, so she got addicted. Now she has to have coffee right when she wakes up or she goes insane. 

LUKE Wow. How did I not know any of this stuff? 

DANE [to listener]

We come around a curve where the main path sort of narrows and then ends at this long iron fence. Just darkness beyond. Jennifer walks up to the fence and stops. 

JENNIFER Zoe’s exhibit. Or, used to be. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

I mean they still let her outside a little bit, way far back there so people at least can still see her.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer looks at me with a pathetic look. Then she hops up and starts to climb the fence.

DANE [to Jennifer]

What the fuck are you doing?

DANE [to listener] In no time she’s over and standing in the artificial savannah, looking back at us. 

JENNIFER Come on.

DANE [to listener]

The twins go over. Then Luke. I'm starting to sense a pattern here, so I put my foot on the fence, but it immediately slips, and I hit my knee hard, and I fall a little bit, and I do that thing where it hurts so bad that you just hold it and rock back and forth while everyone waits. [grunts, breathes deeply, sighs] I try again. I really don’t know if I can do this. Jennifer’s trying to coach me, but it’s just annoying. 

JENNIFER

Ughh, just put your foot on the wall.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Yeah. JENNIFER Put your other foot on the fence. Now grab the- No no no.

DANE [to Jennifer[

What?

JENNIFER

Hold on with both hands and kind of swing your hip, yeah. Swing your hips. Okay, no, like that but do it better.

DANE [to Jennifer]

I’m trying.

JENNIFER

Just swing your hips, yeah, now pull- pull yourself, now pull yourself, okay.

[DANE GRUNTING]

JENNIFER

Okay, there it is.

DANE

Goddamn.

DANE [to listener]

I finally make it over and land with a grunt in the dirt. [groans]

TWIN 

This is the spot where the Harris boy climbed in.

DANE [to listener]

The twin is looking right at me, then she points to a spot on the ground by the wall.

TWIN 

And that’s where he died.

DANE

Whoa. 

DANE [to listener]

I look at the spot. I think about the picture I saw on those signs in the parking lot.

JENNIFER

He wouldn’t have died if it weren’t for toxic masculine peer pressure. 

DANE

What? TWIN

It’s a tradition for high school boys to break in here at night and touch Zoe. 

DANE

But he was like eleven.

JENNIFER

Exactly. He heard about his older brothers doing it and wanted to be cool like them. Stupid boy stuff. 

DANE Exactly. Stupid. And here we are doing the exact same thing, like-

JENNIFER Trust me, I have a plan. 

DANE [to listener]

I look down at the spot on the ground again. I think I can still see blood stains, but it’s so dark I can't be sure.

JENNIFER

Now, let's go!

DANE [to listener]

We tip-toe through Zoe’s artificial environment. It’s made to resemble a rocky outcrop in an African savannah, so what look like rocks from the front are actually just plastic and hollow in the back. But, I mean, I guess this savannah wasn’t made for Zoe anyway. 

JENNIFER

[breathes deeply] Okay. This is it. Where’s your keys?

DANE [to listener]

There’s a door. It’s made to look like stone. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

That’s the help you needed? My keys? I told you I only have keys to the ride building and the broom closet, that’s it, those two. So looks like we’re all just gonna go home, good plan. 

LUKE

Wait, we’re not actually gonna go inside-inside are we?

DANE 

No we’re not, not without keys. 

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer walks up and looks at me and slams her brow down over her eyes.

JENNIFER

Listen: come in or not, I don’t care, but I’ve been planning tonight for months, and all I need is to get through that door, and then you can go. After that door is open, I don't care where you go. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

Yeah right, and let you just get killed by a murderous zebra? They’d put me in jail for letting you in, stupid. 

JENNIFER

I told you already, Zoe died months ago. Give me the keys and I'll show you. 

LUKE Wait, what?

DANE

These keys? 

DANE [to listener]

I take my keys from my pocket, and I throw them at her feet. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

Go ahead, try them. I told you they don’t fucking go to these doors, so have at it.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer grabs the keys from the ground, walks over to the door, and sticks them in. The broom closet one immediately works. The door swings open. She yanks my keys from the knob and throws them back at my feet. Then she snears at me and disappears into the dark. The twins follow. [sighs] I don’t understand. Like… I don’t understand. 

LUKE

Zoe’s dead?

DANE [to listener] 

I’m still looking at the dark of the doorway where Jennifer and the twins disappeared. Almost talking to myself. 

DANE [to Luke]

I... who knows? I don’t know. She could be, I guess.

LUKE

Zoe’s dead.

DANE [to listener] I hear something edging in Luke’s voice. I look over at him. He’s looking down. His eyes are distant. 

DANE Well, we don’t know that yet.

DANE

He kneels down quickly and starts to pick up pieces of gravel just to have something to do with his hands, it looks like. The whole time, he’s looking off in the distance. I walk up to him slowly and kneel down beside him. His lip is trembling. He can’t look at me. I wait a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and then I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder.

DANE [to Luke]

Hey…

DANE [to listener]

But as soon as I touch him, he just start sobbing like he can’t hold it back anymore 

[LUKE SOBBING]

DANE

And he falls into me, and he wraps his arms around my torso and cries onto my neck. I feel the wetness on my skin. It feels weirdly good that he’s crying on me, and then I feel weird that it feels good. 

DANE [to Luke]

Hey buddy, you’re okay, you’re okay.

[LUKE BREATHING DEEPLY]

DANE [to listener]

After a bit, his rhythm slowly evens out, and his fingers unclench from my shirt in the back, and he buries his face in my neck and just breathes. I breathe too. Our breathing is lining up. 

[DANE AND LUKE BREATHE]

DANE

We both pull away, and get to our feet. We don’t really look at each other. Instead, our eyes fall on the open doorway. 

LUKE

We have to go in there. We have to make sure they don’t get hurt.

DANE 

[groans]

LUKE [sighs] Yeah, I know.

DANE 

The darkness in the doorway seems to be looking back at us like a giant eye socket. I don’t wanna go in there. But I know whatever’s going on with this zoo and this zebra is weird. I mean, everything about this place is weird, but I just feel like the answer’s... the answer’s through that door. 

[DISTANT SCREAM]

[DREAMBOY THEME PLAYS]

ELLIE HAYMEN

Dreamboy is co-created by Dane Terry and Ellie Haymen. Developed and directed by Ellie Haymen. Written, composed, and performed by Dane Terry, featuring Michael Cavadias, Dito Van Reigersberg, Renata Friedman, Morgan Meadows, Avery Draut, Gianna Masi, Alice Tolan-Mee, Somerset Thompson, and Jake Sellers Sound Designed, Engineered, Mixed and Mastered by Chris Weingarten at Bananappeal Studio. Edited by Alexander Charles Adams. Creative Producer and Assistant Director: Ashlin Hatch. Associate producer: Adam Cecil. Executive Producer: Christy Gressman. A very special thanks to Night Vale Presents. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram @dreamboypodcast. For more info and for merch check out dreamboypodcast.com.

[badbitch-goodwitch]

Is anyone out there? Has anyone noticed I’ve been gone? Do any of you miss me? I think it’s time to over-share. Long life update below. Is anybody reading? Does anyone care? It’s okay if you aren’t, I won’t hold it against you. Just wondering if I’m shouting into the void by myself or if there’s someone here with me.

I’ve missed me. My craft has been suffering lately, I don’t practice as much as I’d like. I fell behind in working with my tarot cards and now I worry I’ll need to start over learning the associations of the cards. Some of my herbs have begun to lose their potency. I haven’t been a very good witch.

I don’t write as much as I’d like. My book has been sitting stagnant for months. I don’t really do any of my hobbies as much as I’d like, besides maybe shopping, if that can be considered a hobby, and I really try not to do that. I own too much stuff--specifically beauty products. I mean, who needs twenty-nine eyeshadow palettes? Honestly.

But I’ve just been so busy, it seems like. Even though I only work part time, and spend three to four days every week doing literally nothing. I don’t know where my time goes. I just sit around, I can’t muster the energy to do anything but binge TAZ and watch youtube makeup videos, and all of a sudden my day is gone. 

I have taken on a second job. Sort of. My grandmother owns a court reporting company and needed transcriptionists for a big case recently, so I helped with that, and she was so impressed she found someone to take me on as an apprentice to become a fully certified stenographer. It’s not as easy as it sounds but I actually kind of enjoy it, and it’s pretty good money. The only downside is that I have to dye my hair. Blue hair in our society is still considered unprofessional so, even though I’ll essentially be a freelancer and not an employee of the courts, I can’t go to court with blue hair.

I’m more sad about it than I thought I would be. It’s just hair, and I always knew if I ever got a job other than dog grooming, I’d probably have to dye it. Grooming is considered a fairly creative field, and the pool of talented young groomers is smaller than you’d think, so things like piercings, tattoos, and colored hair, are generally more accepted by employers in the field. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever worked with a groomer who didn’t have at least one of the above. We’re a wild bunch.

So I always thought I’d probably have to dye it someday. But now that the time is here...I’m sad. I’m going to miss it. Unless I win the lottery or something, I’ll pretty much always have to have a job, so I may never be able to have blue hair again. And that makes me sad. I think it suits me, it looks really good, it fits my personality, and I love it. I just love it. I’ll get over it, of course, it is just hair after all. But I’m going to mourn it.

One of my dogs is dying, too. He was diagnosed with cancer, osteosarcoma specifically. He’s only 2, which is very very young to have gotten this. Osteosarcoma is one of the more aggressive cancers in dogs. Statistically, by the time the dog has a noticeable tumor and is able to be diagnosed, 90% of the time it has already metastasized. To the lungs, usually. In younger dogs, it tends to be even more aggressive. The only treatment options are to amputate the limb with the original tumor and do chemotherapy. If you do both things, on average the dog will live a year. And again, he’s young so it’s extra aggressive, so he likely wouldn’t even get that long. So after looking at all the options, the cost versus the chance he’d get from the treatment, the pain/stress factors, etc, we decided to amputate the leg and not to do chemo. We decided once he lets us know he’s getting bad, we’ll let him go. That seems more fair to him, to let him go without dragging it out, before he suffers too much. I watched my father die slowly of cancer over nearly a year and I know if humane euthanasia had been an option for him, that’s what he would’ve chosen after a certain point. My dog can’t speak for himself, but that is an option, and that’s the choice I’m going to make. I’m crying as I type this, I’ve cried over this for the past month and a half. It is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my entire life and I do not enjoy making it. I don’t want my dog to die. I want to wake up tomorrow and find this has all been a terrible dream. I want to never have had that feeling that day, that something was wrong. I want to not have looked out the window to him in the fenced yard playing with our other dogs, limping and with a massive lump on his leg that sprouted overnight, literally. I want to not have known, even before seeing it, that something was terribly wrong. I want to not have had that feeling confirmed by my vet and the UGA vet school. I want to wake up tomorrow and never have this dream again. I want to cuddle my happy, healthy, four-legged Alastor again. I want this to go away. There is nothing I want more in the world than for this to go away. But that isn’t going to happen. I have to make the best decision for him. I want to make the decision to keep  him with me for as long as possible. I want to make the selfish choice and damn the consequences. But I can’t do that. He can’t choose for himself and I can’t make him suffer just so I get one more month, one more week. I can’t. It isn’t fair to him. None of this is fair.

So I know the choice I have to make, for him. If the chemo was likely to save his life I would absolutely do it. But it won’t. It would just be constant vet visits and feeling crappy and slowly getting worse. If it would give us five more years, even, I’d do it. But for an average of a year, and most likely not even that long due to his age....I can’t. I can’t.

The choice is made. My vet knows what I want. But the problem is, he already acts different. Even right after the surgery, he was still his normal self. Constant tail-wagging, jumping around, running, wanting to play even though he had stitches. Eating anything and everything you put in front of him. Now, five weeks post-surgery, when he should be right as rain since the incision is completely healed, he just lays around. Doesn’t want to walk more than he absolutely has to. Doesn’t jump. Doesn’t play. Just lays on the couch. He’s eating still, but where he normally finished his dinner in five minutes or less, he now takes all night and into the next day. His joints ache. He still wags his tail when we talk to him, but not constantly like he did. He’s just not himself. And so I have to ask myself, how long do I wait? He doesn’t seem to be in pain exactly, just uncomfortable, so I can start giving him his pain medicine again and see if that helps. But what if it doesn’t? Is he bad off enough already that we should let him go? Should we let him go preemptively so he doesn’t get worse and truly suffer? Should I wait until he does get worse, in case this is just a phase and he gets better? I don’t know where the line is, I don’t have a deadline, and so I can’t tell when is the right time. I don’t know that there will ever be a right time, I’ll always have a reason not to let go, so when do I do it? I wish never was an option. I can’t stop thinking that I wish never was an option. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling, I don’t know how to make this decision, I don’t know how to make him feel better, I don’t know how to do any of it, and I don’t want to do it anymore, I just want it to be over. Please, can it be over now. But not his life, I don’t want that to be over. I want it to go away. I just want it to go away. I can’t stop crying.

So I’ve had a bad few months overall. I’ve been shopping way too much, because I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, spending money is my vice. It makes me feel just that tiny bit better about myself for a minute. When I get packages in the mail it makes me happy to open them and play with my new things. I got a Corsair K70 RGB gaming keyboard that makes me so happy. It’ll wear off, but for now, that’s bringing me a little bit of joy so I don’t regret spending the money. And it is a really good keyboard.

The week of Thanksgiving my brother came up with his family and brought the dog they picked up that day. Actually, picked him up about an hour before I met him. And this poor thing...was emaciated. Did not have a single bit of fat on him, could count every bone in his body. My brother said the last owner told him that he wasn’t eating, hadn’t had a full meal in ~5 days, had been throwing up everything he ate until they took him to the vet, about three days before my brother got him, and the vet gave him some anti-nausea medicine which stopped the throwing up, but he still wasn’t eating. The vet they took him to said it was probably worms causing his issues, so gave them some panacur, the anti-nausea, and some fortiflora, which is dog probiotics, and sent them home. I decided that was bullshit and took him to my vet. And my vet is just the best vet. When I panicked over Alastor’s leg because I knew it was bad, I rushed him in without an appointment, they saw me anyway and my vet didn’t even make me wait very long, just until he finished the client he was with at the time. And same that day. This dog needed immediate care, he was starved but refused to eat anything or drink more than a couple drops at a time basically, was lethargic, didn’t even hardly want to stand up. He needed to go. So, the Monday before Thanksgiving, I took him in without an appointment, and same thing, they took me anyway, didn’t even make me wait very long. My vet is the best vet. It helps that I have eight dogs and six cats so I’ve established a pretty good relationship with everyone there. But they did a fecal, discovered he had no poop in him at all basically. Tried to palpate his stomach, couldn’t feel any foreign bodies. Did a couple of x-rays, saw big air bubbles but no foreign bodies. So he told me, either there is a foreign body and it’s just hiding on the x-ray, or his organs aren’t working properly for some reason. Did bloodwork and found heartworms but nothing else abnormal. So he recommended surgery. Said if it’s a foreign body and he didn’t do surgery, he’d die. If his organs weren’t working and he couldn’t figure out why, he was weak enough that he may not make it through surgery at all. If we did nothing, and he didn’t get better in a couple of days, euthanasia would become the only option. So we opted to do the surgery, he rearranged some things and fit us in the surgery schedule for the very next day, because he’s the best. Discovered that it wasn’t a foreign body, a part of his small intestine had gotten looped in on itself and stuck inside the opening to the large intestine (Or something like that, I’m not a doctor. Intestine looped and couldn’t unloop so nothing could get through) so whenever he ate something, it would get stuck right there, so his body would reject it and he’d throw it back up. He would’ve died if we hadn’t done the surgery, but now he’s doing just fine, eating again, pooping again, set to make a full recovery. And now my brother will never doubt my advice when it comes to dogs.

My grandmother thinks I’m crazy for spending that kind of money on my brother’s dog, because he couldn’t afford to pay for it and my vet lets me make payments if I need to. My brother is supposed to pay me back, but even if he doesn’t, I still would’ve done it. I couldn’t let that poor baby die if there was anything I could do about it. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. But this dog, so soon after Alastor’s diagnosis, which I can’t save him from...I had to do it. I had to save this one since I can’t save him. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself.

So that’s my life update. It’s been a very stressful time lately and I just haven’t been feeling very motivated to do much of anything at all. I barely even eat. I’ve been so stressed I gave myself a cold. But I think maybe shouting this into the void has helped. Been cathartic, in a way. So if you’re here with me, thank you for your help. And if it’s just me here with the void, thank you anyway. 

[horce-divorce]

I hate you AI tech startups I hate you Gig economy i hate you Rev dot com. "A new era of productivity is coming->" yeah ass hole i KNOW. it's you giving all my work to fuckign robots and then paying me pennies on the dollar to proofread it when I spent TEN! YEARS! BEING your stupid AI and doing a better job and honing my skills AND FOR WHAT. Now what!!!! Now if I wanted to use my skills I'd have to be conventionally employed, which defeats the WHOLE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF HAVING DONE IT ON MY OWN. FOR 10 YEARS.

FOR context. I'm a transcriptionist and even though the gig economy as a whole is hot wet garbage, for the last 10 years or so you could still at least make minimum wage freelancing transcription- sometimes even twice that if I had a good workflow down and good stuff in the queue.

Freelancing is CRUCIAL to my wellbeing because with my symptoms I cannot commit to regular employment. Being able to take only the jobs I want, and work on them at fully my own pace- like, even if I need to step away from the computer to lay on the floor/scream/etc- was literally the only reason this type of work was even feasible for me. This was HOW I managed to stay afloat for the last 10 years of being homeless, even if only just.

5-6 years ago, the peak times for files were the same. I could log on at pretty consistent times of the week and be guaranteed to have work in the queue to choose from. Sometimes getting GOOD files was competitive, and it was much harder to get them when everyone else was trawling the queue (usually after standard business hours & weekends, because a lot of people did this as a side gig), but if you could log on when the other freelancers were at their primary jobs, you'd pretty much always have work to choose from. If you didnt, it would only be a few days before the queue picked up again. The only times that wasn't true were during PEAK activity- during the holidays when everyone's not at their primary job and are hustling trying to get extra cash.

This was MY JOB. This is my fucking job, the one I actually put all my skill stats into. Once I was too disabled to be employed, this was the ONLY thing I could do, other than sell art. For TEN YEARS this was enough to get me the pocket money I needed for meds or to cover food here and there, i wasn't self sufficient but it was enough that I didn't have to beg for meds every week.

I would love to not be reblogging my begging posts so much but we are literally almost out of meds and it is very, very bad if we run out, I know this bc it happens all the fucking time because I could BARELY manage to survive as 1 person on my freelance money. Now there's 2 of us and my freelance money has been cut by idek what percentage. One year I made $2,000 freelancing, this YTD I've made $77.99. One month. One fucking month I managed to grab any files and it was like 4 of them. That's it. That's my YEAR'S income so far.

I WANT to be able to work. I fucking miss having money. I miss the dignity of a job well done and a paycheck to show for it. I miss being able to buy the shit I need with like 3 or 4 hours of labor instead of begging for help for a whole fucking week and getting even less. I never really made enough money to have expendable income even when I had 3 jobs, but at least not having to beg for it was something.

Anyway I fucking hate this, I'd love to be able to hop on, grab a file, and know ill be able to buy meds on Monday. But I don't have that now and if we don't beg we don't get what we need, period. I only have about $5 worth of cans to return rn. We don't have another way.